#Ada Alexandra Cabot

[cissyenthusiast010155]

She’s Been to Hell And Back ~S13!Alex Cabot xFem Wife!Reader(feat. Casey, Rita, Liz, Liv & Amanda)

Summary— Alex is kidnapped and tortured. That’s pretty much it. It’s a very long and indulgent fic of Alex x Reader.

Mommy… Master List

Requests & Prompt-List

Warnings: [MATURE], explicit torture, violence, kidnapping, humiliation, implied torture, angst, anxiety attacks, knife, guns, torture devices, branding, cigarette burns, burning, begging, crying, and so much more mature content, Rita being an aunt and a boss bitch, Liz losing her shit, Munch being munch, Amaro being an asshat, Casey barely keeping it together, read at your own risk!!

Enjoy (;

You stepped into the SVU squad room, looking around at the major bustling and chaos of the room. You fidgeted with the hem of your shirt anxiously, biting your lips and nails as well. You were frozen. You couldn’t process it all. Your eyes then landed on a person who you knew could help.

Casey.

Casey had been the one to call you. She hadn’t told you much, only that you need to come to svu immediately. You had dropped work for this. Left straightaway. It all made you extremely anxious. Why would they need you…? Unless…

You shook the terrible thoughts coming up out of your mind, instead springing into action. You walked up to Casey in the middle of the chaos.

“Hey Case!” You called to the redhead who was swiftly fluttering through pages.

Casey jumped at her name and her eyes shot up to you. Suddenly her gaze softened and she looked at you with concern.

“Y/N’s here!!” Casey shot across the room, and everyone practically stopped in their tracks and looked at you.

You gulped and looked around anxiously, pulling your bag closer to you defensively.

“Case… what’s going on…?” You stammered.

Casey couldn’t meet your gaze. Olivia suddenly came out of the Captain’s office and walked through the squad room, followed by Cragen peeking out of his office, telling everyone to get back to work. The shuffling and bustling immediately picked back up again. The noise wasn’t helping you one bit.

You suddenly felt a hand on your back shoulder, and you jumped slightly. You turned around, relaxing a bit to see it was only Olivia with a warm and caring smile.

“Y/N, let’s go into Cragen’s office, yeah…?” The brunette gently suggested.

After you slowly nodded with parted lips of confusion, Olivia led you by her hand on your back to the Captain’s office. She opened the door for you and closed it behind the two of you. Both SVU members looked tense and concerned.

“What exactly… is going on…?” You tensed out through partially gritted teeth, frustration now hitting you in waves.

Olivia guided you to sit down with her, before she but her lip and explained,

“Y/N… Alex didn’t show up for court a couple of hours ago… We… don’t know where she is. She’s not answering her phone, we can’t track it, it’s dead.”

Your heart sunk. And there was now a limp in your throat. Your heart only raced faster and you suddenly felt dizzy.

Olivia could tell that this was a lot to take in, so she gently held you on both sides of your arms.

“That’s not all…” Cragen sighed.

You looked up at the Captain with glossy eyes and a trembling lip.

“W-what…?” You stammered, bringing your arms into your chest and holding yourself.

“We think Alex was… taken.” He explained slowly.

“W-why would you think that…??” You exclaimed, the anger in you now swelling.

Cragen and Olive exchanged looks. Cragen nodded and relented into the brunettes insistence.

“Come on, let me show you something.” Olivia softly spoke.

She led you outside to the squad room and the media corner. Next to all the screens there was a board. A board of at least 100 photographs. And they were all of Alex. Alex and all the people she interacted with. You were on there, and so was Olivia, and Casey, and Rita, and Liz, and Amanda, and so on.

The pictures were practically Alex’s entire life since she’d been with you. This was years of photos. Some of them looked like they could have been snapped by a news reporter outside the courts. But others, much more intimate pictures of the two of you, could have only been captured by active camera surveillance.

You gasped, bringing your hand to your mouth, as you let out a choked sob that you couldn’t contain anymore. Your stomache sunk. You proceeded to collapse on the floor, and were lucky that Amanda was right by you. The Southern blonde was quick to scoop you up and guide you to take a seat in her desk chair.

She then tried to talk to you, but your mind was spiraling. Suddenly a big boom of stacks of paperwork falling across the squad room brought you back to reality with a jolt.

“Y/N? Y/N, there you are, ‘hun. Hey. Heyyy. It’s going to be okay, alright…?” Amanda reassured you.

“But h-how… do you know that…?” You choked out, the tears continuing to pour out.

At that, Amari and Fin walked into the squad room.

“It’s out lucky day! Perp’s blood was at the scene, that girl put up a fight…!” Amara exclaimed, not having realized that you were there.

You immediately stood up and turned to face Amaro. Nick’s eyes went wide and his face struggled to give away the fact that he knew he had fucked up.

“What scene? What…?? What happened??” You exclaimed with a gasp, frustration and anger running through your veins once more.

Amanda pulled you towards her and into her embrace. Her touch calmed you a little, but right now, you really needed it to be Alex’s touch. After a minute, her hug actually and surprisingly helped.

“Thanks…” you muttered.

Amanda shrugged and smiled lightly, as if it was nothing.

“Learned that in Atlanta, had a partner who had anxiety attacks.” The blonde told you, “It’s a grounding thing.”

You listened and nodded along. But your mind quickly started to wander back to Alex again.

“Wait what scene? Do you know where she was taken…??” You asked.

Amanda sighed and stood up, telling you to wait here. She checked in with Cragen in his office, before coming back to you and grabbing her keys.

“Come on, let’s go for a ride.” Amanda told you, indicating for you to follow her.

You gulped and nodded, silently following the Southern blonde with your wobbly legs. You two got into her patrol car, and she began driving. The ride was silent. You had now become numb, your feelings too much to bear. You didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole of what could go wrong… So you stayed in the ignorance of feeling numb.

After about 15-20 minutes, Amanda pulled up to you and Alex’s shared brownstone. You gulped as your eyes widened as it began to click for you.

“This is…” you stammered, trying to find the words.

“Come on, Darling. I’ll explain inside.” Amanda gently reassured you, squeezing your left hand caringly, before getting out of the car.

You followed the blonde detective up the steps of your brownstone and inside. No one was here anymore. But it was a mess, all taped up with crime scene tape and marked with evidence markers and such. It made your stomache flip upside down when you saw blood on the kitchen doorway.

“What Amaro said, that asshole… was that Alex didn’t go down without a fight…” Amanda explained, taking your hand in reassurance as you walked through the torn apart apartment.

“Alex managed to make her kidnapper bleed.” Amanda breathed out.

At that you looked at the woman with wide eyes.

“So you can find out who they are?” You immediately asked.

Amanda bit her inner cheek and looked way slightly.

“Yeaaa ideally yes… but we already ran it, and he’s not in the system…” she explained.

Any and all hope that you had just gained was lost all over again. Amanda squeezed your hand again in reassurance.

“So what’s next…? What can I do?” You asked, desperate to do anything, to get her back, to see her again.

“First, we are going to walk through your place and go through the events, at least what we know. See if any of it jogs your memory of like someone who would want to harm Alex…” Amanda breathed out.

You shuttered and nodded slowly.

“Then when Olivia and Cragen give the go ahead, I’ll take you back to svu and Olivia will properly interview you…”

You gulped, yet nodded again.

“Ok, let’s do it…” you breathed out.

Amanda nodded and guided you by your hand, walking you through the scene. All your feelings came crashing back as the blonde detective walked you through the theory SVU had of what happened.

Alex hadn’t even left for the office yet, having not needed to go in as early that day… You and already left for work, when someone had come to the door. Alex must have known the person, because she let them in (or they had a gun). The main struggle was in the kitchen. SVU assumed that Alex had most likely tried to reason with whomever the perp was, but it went south in the kitchen. Alex’s blood was on the counter, in a circular mark that upheld that the assailant had violently cracked Alex’s head down upon the counter. There were also blood splatters of Alex’s going from the kitchen and out the door, by the amount and pattern of the blood, it was assumed that the assailant had shot Alex somewhere in the leg, but hadn’t hit a major artery or vein. Luckily, on the kitchen doorway, there was Alex’s bloody partial print, but there blood wasn’t hers. The theory was that before the shooter had incapacitated her, she got a swing or two in, and then when he dragged her out, she made one last attempt to grasp the doorway, leaving the perps blood.

Your heart was pounding in your ears three times as fast as earlier. Tears were pouring down your face and you hadn’t even realized it. Amanda squeezed your hand tighter, as she asked you if it sounded like someone you knew or if it triggered any memories.

“N-no… Mm sorry…” you gasped out in between sobs.

The Southern blonde now came in front of you and took both of your hands.

“Don’t be, you did so good, Y/N.” Amanda comforted you, before receiving a ding on her phone and checking her notifications.

It was Olivia telling Amanda to bring you back. You spent the car ride opposite of the last, filled with all the emotions. You were distraught, and sad, and afraid, and angry, and infuriated, and so much more. Your head was swimming, no drowning it it all. You just wanted a break. You wanted Alex safe in your arms.

Amanda led you back into the squad room, passing you off to Olivia with a reassuring smile. Olivia took you into the family interview room, one that was less jarring than the brick and mortar perp interview/confession rooms. She had you sit on the couch next to her.

“Y/N, Amanda told me that you couldn’t think of anything at the crime scene…”

“Don’t… call it that…” you sputtered, having cried yourself out in the car and now hicupping instead.

Olivia sighed, “Of course, I’m sorry— At your and Alex’s home…”

You had your hands clasped in your lap and you were rocking back and forth anxiously. The brunette detective reached for your hands with her hands and tried to physically comfort you, but you jerked in response, starting to hyperventilate. The brunette detective was quick to retract and stick with her interview questions.

“Besides what you didn’t think of at the crim— your and Alex’s place— Can you think of anyone who would want to hurt you…?” Olivia prodded gently.

You shook your head and then hiccuped. Alex had her hair share of criminals who didn’t like her, but nothing she ever found concerning enough to share with you.

“Alright, what about anyone following you recently…? Notice any reoccurring faces…?” She asked.

You thought about it, going through your last months, if not years in your mind.

“I… don’t think so, no…” you stammered, with two more hiccups.

“Alright… Can I get you some water?”

“Yes please…” you whispered, not being able to handle the eye contact, so you simply shut your eyes.

Olivia muttered something with a hum, letting go of your hands, and leaving the room with the door ajar. You just sat there, with your eyes closed and shaking in your boots. You could hear the noisy clamor of the squad room from the ajar door. It was still just as chaotic, if not more. Tensions were high, and fuses were short.

Before Olivia could come back with your water, a familiar voice boomed while entering the squad room.

“Who the hell didn’t inform me about Alex going missing, and why the fuck did I need to find out like this?!”

You immediately stood up with a jolt, scrambling into the squad room to see Rita standing furiously in the middle of the room, while holding up a manila envelope with her name on it. Calhoun’s determined scowl faltered as she noticed you in the corner. She immediately lowered her mask of defense lawyer and rushed over to you.

Her hands were all of over you, checking to see if you were okay. They landed on each side of your face, as her concerned gaze looked at you.

“Hey Baby… How are you holding up…?” She asked, her eyes still scanning you up and down, before landing on your gaze when she expected an answer.

But all she got was a choked sob from you, your tears now back in full swing. The older woman immediately pulled you in for a hug, which you happily accepted. She hugged you tight and with fierce love, you could feel every fiber of her being that cared through the embrace. When Rita let you go, you wheezed and little and whipped your tears away.

Olivia had by now gotten your water and caught wind of the commotion, now coming up to you and Rita. Rita sent daggers to the brunette detective, making Olivia stop a couple feet away from you.

“What’s in the envelope…?” Olivia quipped, before extending her hand with your water in it.

Rita took the water, examined it, then gave it to you, instructing you to drink, before she considered answering Olivia. When she did, her eyes went sad. The main SVU members had surrounded the two of you, all curious as to what Rita had brought. She opened the envelope and pulled out a hard drive.

“Aha! My area of expertise…!” Munch exclaimed, taking the hard drive from Rita and going over to the media corner to open whatever files were contained within the stick.

You went to follow the rest do the team to see what was on the file, but Rita grabbed you by your arm before you could get too far. You turned back to Rita and looked at the woman who had been your mentor, aunt, mom, practically everything with confusion and glossy eyes.

“ ‘Hun, you may not want to see that…” Rita sighed with deep sadness in her eyes.

She had already seen it.

Your eyes hardened and you frowned. You quickly pulled your hand out of Rita’s grasp.

“Like hell I won’t…” you exclaimed, then turning around and walking up behind the team who were all gathered around Munch who was about to click play on a video file.

Rita came up behind you, her eyes staying on you the entire time as the video played. She watched your face whiten, watched your face wash over in horror, then a wave of anger. She watched your shock, then followed by uncontrollable sadness and tears.

Alex was in the centre of the screen, tied up and hanging by her wrists around a rusty metal bar running along the wall. Her head was hanging low. Her hair frazzled and tired. Her clothing was dirty, torn, and bloody. There was a light sway of her body as it hung from the beam. Her shoes had been discarded. The bottom half of her her stomache was on display, as her shirt was being strained from the position. Her left lower leg was bleeding, presumably from the gunshot from the struggle at the brownstone. Her forehead was all bloody from the blow to the counter.

Suddenly, a person stepped into the frame. They were wearing all black and had their face and voice masked. He had some kind of black colored weapon, almost baton looking in his hand. He laughed wickedly into the camera, before turning his attention to Alex.

“As I can’t torture all of you, unfortunately… One will have to do…” The man tilted his head as he turned on the stick and plunged it against Alex’s exposed side stomache with a cackle.

Alex’s body convulsed and jolted uncontrollably as she was she was hit with volts and volts of burning electricity. She let out a desperate groan, which turned into a silent scream as tears poured down her face, as she fought against her restraints and against the volts. After a couple solid seconds of this, the man finally retracted the insane taser torture. As he moved the torture device back, Alex’s freshly burned skin could be seen, a fresh branded circle on the side of her stomache. The man proceeded to repeat this process for multiple rounds. And the whole time, Alex fought and screamed and convulsed, as tears ran down her face and shirt. Finally, after five burning rounds, Alex passed out. And the man stopped, looking to the camera with a grin.

“No point if the bitch isn’t awake…” He chuckled wickedly, “And that was only Act 1… Dedicated to Detective Olivia Benson…”

Rage was quick to take over your enter being, all the sadness quickly forgotten. You nearly assaulted Olivia right then and there. But Rita saw this coming, and she was quick to hold you back as you attempted to pounce on the brunette detective across from you.

You scowled and fought back, the team all taking a step back from you, all of them just as shocked as you were. But Rita held you firm.

“Shhhh, Baby, it’s okay… Calm down…” Rita cooed into the shell of your ear, “It’s going to be okay, it’s not Olivia’s fault…”

After a couple seconds, Rita managed to get you to promise to not punch the older brunette detective in the face. So she let you go. You huffed and didn’t know what to do. You were hit with another wave of sudden sadness.

As you were having your life crisis, the team began speculating and conversating about what they could learn from the video and how they could find Alex. You weren’t able to focus on them or anything anymore, everything started to just fade away into black.

When you woke up, you were in Rita’s lap, back in the family interview room. For a split second, you felt at peace’s and then reality smacked you back in the face. Rita was beginning to tell you that you had passed out when you began to freak out.

“Hey, Hey. It’s okay, sweetheart. You’re safe, it’s okay.” Rita comforted you, as you sat up startled and distraught.

“N-no it’s n-not… Alex my Lex she’s… she’s…” you choked out, hyperventilating.

Rita was quick to take you into her arms on the couch and comfort you. She ran her fingers through your hair, she rubbed your arms and hands and side, calming you as best as you could.

“Hey. We are going to find this sycko who did this… ok? The team is on it…” Rita insisted and ensured you, “Take some deep breaths for me, Baby…”

You nodded shakily, your entire body shaking in Rita’s arms, as you took some deep breaths. You began to doze off in the woman’s arms, Rita was quick to encourage you to not fight it. And so you dozed off…

You awoke startled once more by a shriek echoing through the squad room and into where you and Rita were. You practically fell off the couch and scrambled out to the squad. Rita was swift behind you. Your eyes fell on Casey, who now had a Manila envelope in her hand with her name on it.

“Where did you get that??” Olivia questioned the redhead.

“I… a junior officer dropped it off… I don’t know, sorry” Casey stammered, handing it off to Olivia who opened it.

“Fin, Amanda, go find that junior officer, maybe he can give us a lead on this guy.” Cragen told his team.

Fin and Amanda nodded and left the room at once. Olivia had found another hard drive, having passed it to Munch to analyze. Rita’s eyes widened as Munch went to press play, and she tried to pull you away once more, but you only pulled away from her and to the screen with more ferocity. With a click from Munch, the video began…

Alex was still in the same position. She was awake again. But barely. Drool was coming from the sides of her mouth as her head lolled down. Her breathing was heavy and labored, affecting her entire body as it hung from the rope attached to her wrists and around the beam.

The man then came back into the camera screen. He held a knife in his hand this time. After taunting the camera, he stalked up to Alex, his free hand roughly grabbing and wrenching her blouse open. The buttons clattered to the floor as the perp moved the torn blouse aside, showing off Alex’s black bra and exposed chest and stomache.

Alex seemed to barely register anything until the knife began slicing her chest. She let out a howl at the pain, deep enough to hurt, but not deep enough to kill. He continued these slices, along her stomache, along her clothed arms as well, and all the way up to her shoulders and neck. He seemed to only be egged on by Alex’s groans and cries, which very quickly turned into begging and pleading for him to stop. Once the man reached her neck, he held the knife firmly along her throat, before speaking. The dozens of cuts all bleed into one another, practically covering Alex’s entire upper body in blood.

“Act 2 is not as bad, because you just sucked at your job…” The man sneered, “But trust me, the next one… I’d be surprised if the bitch doesn’t die… Dedicated to Rita Calhoun.”

Your knees buckled and you collapsed on the floor as Alex let out a particular blood curteling scream in the video. Tears streamed down your face as you couldn’t bring yourself to watch the rest of the video, the audio already taunting you enough. You felt your body go limp and you began to slouch and fall from your knees to the ground completely.

“Turn it off! Off!!” Rita yelled enraged, before dropping to the ground with you and comforting you.

Munch turned the video off, but not before the man was able to dedicate the video to Rita. Rita’s eyes widened and her throat went dry. The whole team stared at the two of you. Rita was dumbfounded at what this had to do with her, but she was quick to spring into action over it.

“Novak. Take Y/N to the diner down the street. She probably hasn’t eaten all day.” Rita commanded the room.

Casey’s eyes widened, and she immediately nodded in understanding.

“Of course, Rita.” Casey said, hurriedly coming over to the two of you.

You tried to protest as Rita handed you over to Casey, but Rita was stern and quickly silenced you, not that you could say anything right now with how overwhelmed you were. Casey was quick to file you out of the room.

You didn’t even remember leaving SVU or getting to the diner, all you remember is suddenly sitting with Casey looking at the late lunch menu. You were shaking and fidgeting like crazy.

Casey reached her hand across the table and squeezed your balled up fist reassuringly. You looked up to the redhead with your stained and now completely dried out eyes, having cried it all out for the second time today.

“Hey. Let’s get you some food, huh…?” Casey hummed.

You nodded slowly. The waitress came, but you couldn’t hear a thing. Casey looked at you with care and understanding, ordering for the both of you. Then once the waitress had left, her attention was on you once more.

“C-Casey…?” You whispered.

Casey leaned in and softly spoke,

“Yes…?”

“How… how are you okay…?” You whispered, a single tear rolling down your cheek as you blinked, “She’s… she’s like your best friend and you hers…”

Casey sighed and squeezed your hand again.

“Y/N, look at me.” Casey hummed, her tone breaking in a falter.

You finally looked at Casey again, and took in her appearance. You suddenly noticed the tear stains on her face and how crazy her long, normally well curled hair was.

“I am not okay. I just… suck at showing my emotions…” Casey explained gently, her own eyes beginning to gloss over as she became more vulnerable.

Your lips pressed together and you smiled lightly, nodding in understanding. You gasped slightly as you felt your phone vibrate once in your pocket. You then felt another vibration. Then one last final third vibrating. You pulled your hands into your lap, away from Casey. The redhead looked at you concerningly.

“Everything okay…?” Casey asked.

“Mm yea… just… need the restroom…” you muttered, before getting out of the diner booth and going to the back where the bathroom was.

Casey nodded, watching you leave, before getting on her phone and updating the team, as well as getting updated by what they had figured out. She let the team know that you were doing okay and that she was about to feed you. She sighed and let out a light groan, trying to process the weight of what was happening, while reading the update from the group chat.

Munch had analyzed the background of the video, having figured out that Alex was being kept in some warehouse. Which one, they had no clue.

Fin and Amanda had gotten no leads from the junior officer, apparently the envelope had been given to him by a homeless looking guy who disappeared as soon as he dropped off the package at the precinct.

Rita, Olivia, and Nick had been spending their time looking over old case files and anything that connected Olivia and Rita along with possibly Alex, in hope to find a perp or bad guy who got away somehow and wanted revenge.

When Casey was done being caught up, the food had come. But you were still in the bathroom… The redhead grew suspicious, getting up from the table and walking to the back of the diner to the bathroom. She knocked on the door, but received no answer. Quickly, she tried your cell. Straight to voicemail.

~~

As you stepped into the bathroom, you couldn’t shake the terrible feeling about the texts, so you locked the door and immediately opened your phone. The texts were all from one unknown number.

Y/N L/N.

Then a video link.

Act 3. Elizabeth Donnelly

You didn’t even click or see the video. Not yet. You saw Liz’s name and couldn’t think of anything else. Liz would know what to do. She always knew what to do.

You carefully escaped from Casey’s gaze and hold out of the back of the diner, rushing to catch a cab to the DA’s office where Liz would most likely be. The ride wasn’t too long, but you still couldn’t bring yourself to press play on that video. Liz would know what to do. She always did.

Once your reached Liz’s office, you didn’t even knock, simply barging in. Liz was talking with a few DA’s, and she was about to dig into whoever interrupted them, but then she saw your state.

“Leave. All of you, now!” Liz ordered, shooing the attorneys away.

You quickly shut and locked the door behind you. Liz looked you up and down.

“Y/N, what is going on…?” The older woman spoke firmly.

You were hyperventilating again. You could sit, you were pacing. But you had to tell her something. And you tried, but you couldn’t bring yourself to explain. Liz stood up, recognizing the signs of an anxiety attack, and coming over to you in concern. She guided you to sit with her on her office couch, asking you again, more softly this time,

“Honey, what’s the matter…?”

You let out a choked sob, bringing out your phone and clicking the video. That was the only thing you could think of. Liz watched your every movement. You pressed play.

Alex was hanging as in the last video, but her blouse was completely gone. Her breathing was shallow and barely there, but she was still alive.

The man showed back up, coming up to the camera to say hello, before quickly turning his attention to Alex once more with the same knife as before in his hands. He grabbed Alex’s chin and pulled her face to meet his gaze. Alex tried to growl and fight back, but the exhaustion on her face was evident. He had probably drugged her up real good so that she didn’t stand a chance… While the man held her face rough with one hand, his other with the knife sliced her bra into pieces. He then let her face go with a smack! before tearing the bra off her body. The vulnerable whimper that Alex let out was distinct. And it only fed into the man’s fantasies. He then bent down to her bottom half and ran the knife down her side, followed by his hands ripping her skirt open. He wrenched that off her as well, throwing it aside. Alex was now left only in her panties. She closed her eyes and went limp, as the man trailed the knife in between her legs and up against her clothed core. He then moved to her thigh and ripped her underwear off with a snap! until she was fully nude, hanging for everyone to see. Another hopeless whimper left Alex as the man suddenly smacked her ass.

Before the video could finish, Liz slammed the phone down onto the ground, effectively pausing it. Your eyes went wide and you looked at the older woman with an open mouth. She looked horrified. But Rage was quick to replace the shock.

“What?! Liz wait—!!” You exclaimed as the blonde stood up and shook her white knuckle fists.

Liz turned back to you, looking you directly in the eyes.

“What in the actual fuck is going on, Y/N?!Why in the hell are you making me watch my daughter be tortured by some psycho???” Liz shrilled.

“Lower your voice!!” You harshly whispered, swiftly standing up and getting in her face, and effectively shutting Liz up for a second with how stern you and suddenly become.

“Then you better goddamn tell me what is going on…” Liz growled.

“OK—” you exclaimed, placing your hand on your forehead and sighing.

You say down again as the overwhelming sadness hit you once more.

“Lex… was taken… didn’t show up in court…” you stammered, “Guy’s been sending… videos…” you choked up.

Liz then picked up the phone from the floor, sitting back down next to you in silence for a moment.

“How many?”

You were jolted out of your grief by her words.

“W-what…?” You stammered.

“How many videos… did he send…?” Liz spoke, trying to sound in control but her own tone faltering and cracking a little.

“This is the third. He usually talks about it in the video…” you said quietly.

This made Liz look at you and then back to the phone. She turned it on and clicked play again. You both sat in anticipation as the video continued.

Alex’s bloody, bruised, and now completely exposed body came back on screen, right where it had left off. Alex flinched as the man smacked her ass a second time.

“Shut up Bitch!! Take it, We all know you want it!!!” The man jeered, before smacking her ass a third time and then grabbing and fondling her tits.

Alex tried to pull away from his touch, she tried to yell or cry or shout, but she found that her body was not taking orders from her mind anymore. Her body had gone limp. But she could feel everything. She could see everything in her line of sight. She could hear everything.

When she went completely silent, unable to protest anymore, the man cackled again, louder and more taunting than ever. He then proceeded to come up to the camera.

“Now, I’m not gonna show you this next bit… I’m going to save that for when you find her dead body… But Act 3 is dedicated to that bitch judge, Elizabeth Donnelly…” the man jeered.

The video then went static for a second. Then the camera came back on and showed an unconscious Alex Cabot, swaying lightly back and forth. Where her body wasn’t sliced and cut, it was bruised. Where her body wasn’t bloody, it was covered in dirt, like it had been thrown at her. The faint and small outlines of cigarette burns were trailed across both of her arms and thighs. Her mouth was filled with an oozing her own blood, as if 100 fists had hit her. And her right tit was branded with a symbol, difficult to make out. All of this and so much worse would be discovered had been done to her…

The video ended and silence took the room. Suddenly you heard crying. You looked over and Liz was hunched over and crying in her lap. You weren’t sure what to do, haven’t ever seen the powerful, older woman so vulnerable before. You just instinctively wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close.

“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t… didn’t know what to do… I thought if I came to you…” you rambled, now feeling guilty for having brought this to Liz.

“Hush… none of that… ssnot your fault.” Liz breathed out in sniffles, accepting your embrace and pressing into you even more, “I know she’s not… my real daughter but if anything happens to her… I… I don’t know what I’d do…”

You two sobbed in each other’s arms for a while. It was only when someone came banging on Liz’s office door with no sudden warning that the two of you jumped apart and off the couch. You went to unlock the door and storming in came a furious Rita.

Rita wouldn’t even hear it from you. She took your phone immediately. All the way back to the squad room, the car was silent between the three of you.

Casey had figured out that you had run away, and she had immediately called SVU. They had divided and conquered all the places they thought you’d go. And the second Liz wasn’t answering her own phone, Casey knew that was where you had gone.

Back in the squad room, Munch began analyzing your phone. You sat in one of the detectives chairs, fidgeting and bouncing your leg, under Rita’s intense gaze. She had made you tell the team everything that had happened. She was not going to let you slip away again. Over her dead body.

Liz immediately threw a fit and started ordering people around. After looking at the files that Olivia and Amara had compiled, it took her five minutes to put it together. Liz found a perp who had escaped jail, whom Olivia had interrogated, Rita had represented and lost, She had judged, and Alex had prosecuted and won.

The second the team had their perp, they began canvassing possible areas. The man leased a piece of warehouse property near the river as it was discovered, so that’s where everyone rushed to go to.

Everyone was on edge.

“I’m gonna go!” You exclaimed to Rita.

“No you are not!!” She shrieked back.

“Why not?!! She’s the love of my life!!!” You yelled, tears running down your face as you screamed.

“Because she might be dead, Y/N!!!!”

Practically the entire squad room went silent at this. They all stared at you and Rita. But quickly, they all began their work again, and the team ran out to the location to find Alex. Both Rita and Liz held you back as you fought to get outside and in a squad car. But they held the upper hand. You collapsed in both of their arms, desperate and exhausted, completely out of energy.

~~

The team did indeed find Alex, although she was barely breathing. They immediately sent her to Mercy’s, where Rita and Liz already had you there waiting. You sat in the waiting room, in between the two woman, shaking and fidgeting restlessly.

Hours went by with no update. Eventually, it was all too much for you. You leaned against Rita’s shoulder for some comfort and before you could stop yourself, you were falling asleep.

~~

“Y/N, love, wake up…” Liz gently woke you, making you snort lightly as you came back to reality.

She was offering you a hand, which you eagerly took to stand up. The nurse came up to you.

“You may see her now. One at a time please.” The nurse told the group of you.

Everyone looked at you and pretty much all agreed in unison and with mere looks that you would be the person going in to see her first.

You entered the hospital room, and immediately came up to Alex’s bedside. You felt relief wash over you that she was here with you and that she was okay. You held one of her hands as she came to.

“Mmm heyyyy…” Alex said in an extremely scratchy and hoarse voice, her head turning slowly towards you.

Tears of joy began to spill out and down your cheeks. You squeezed your wife’s hand lovingly.

“Hi Lex…” you whispered, “How are you feeling…?”

“Like someone pumped an entire pharmacy through me…” Alex groaned lightly, “mm pretty sure I was drugged… most of the time I couldn’t move or speak…” her tone got sad and overwhelmed, as tears started to form on her sapphire eyes.

“Hey hey, it’s okay.” You comforted Alex, who met your gaze again, smiling at the sight of you, “You’re safe with me now, that’s all that matters…”

Alex lightly squeezed your hand now as she smiled. It would be a long road to recovery, but the important thing is that you would be with her every step of the way.

Her squeeze on your hand faded, which you just attributed to the blonde being tired. But then her eyes closed… and then you couldn’t hear her breathing. You jolted when the heart rate monitor started going off.

Suddenly, there were 4-5 hospital staff members in the room, pushing you aside. You stood in the corner of the room, with your hands over your mouth, silent tears flooding down your face. You heard the designated coding sound come from the machine, and you collapsed onto the floor. Everything went numb.

You could vaguely hear a nurse giving you her condolences. You didn’t even reliaze that you were walking out of the room until you stood in front of the group that loved Alex the most. You were violently shaking, you felt like you couldn’t breathe.

Liz was the first own to come up to you, to see what was wrong. And Liz was the first one to understand… You fell to your knees and cried into your hands, not caring anymore. You’d lost the love of your life, your wife, your everything.

Liz looked more emotional and out of control than she’d ever been. She kept stammering that it couldn’t be true, but once a doctor came out and told the entire group the news, Liz let out a distraught wail, covering her face in her hands as she sobbed. Casey immediately buried herself in Liz’s embrace which Liz of course accepted. The last thing you remember about that day was Rita coming up to you and embracing you on the floor…

~~~

Alexandra Cabot Masterlist

Olivia Benson Masterlist

Casey Novak Masterlist

Elizabeth Donnelly Masterlist ~Coming Soon (;

Rita Calhoun Masterlist ~Coming Soon (;

Amanda Rollins Masterlist ~Coming Soon (;

[wandasaura]

WHERES THE BAR

summary — you’re taking the bar exam tomorrow, but you’re not sure which bar is set higher, the law exam, or alex’s unwavering love

warning(s) — established relationship, soft alex cabot, domestic fluff, law school, studying, pet names, love drunk idiots, sensual undressing?, open mouth kissing, fingering, slight teasing, pet names, alex just wants to celebrate you before the big day, slight elements of a potential dom/sub dynamic if you squint, casey novak mention because i miss her, domestic bliss, fluff fluff fluff, men/minors dni

authors note — álex cabot returns in what was meant to be a sweet fluffy drabble. enjoy :)

Your office light is dim, but the wading glow splashes enough brightness onto your documents for you to read them over thoroughly. You’ve been here for hours, there’s a stack behind you that you’ve already read, answered every question Alex painstakingly scratched onto flash cards, and then went through the questions your professor suggested familiarizing yourself with. You had every hour planned out to the exact second leading up to tomorrow afternoon at precisely 13:10.. This has been the last five years of your life. This is what you’d turned down date nights for, what you’d isolated yourself to prioritize when it felt impossible to be a Detective by day and a law student by night with any kind of social life or emotional depth. Those sacrifices had to be worth something, or years of your life with Alex had been wasted for nothing.

Alex. Her face appears in your mind, though maybe the image of her in gentle lilac is so vivid because the picture of her curled up and stunning wearing the color in her tank top sits on the corner of your desk, alongside a plastic ring that she’d won for you when a prize machine ended up at the corner of the crossing in front of the courthouse after a semi and a taxi collided. You’d been dating two weeks when she’d gave you the ring, incessantly assuring she wasn’t crazy enough to propose with plastic after knowing you a fortnight, but radiant to tell you simply that she’d seen the machine and thought of you. It might’ve just been the biggest compliment of your life to know that just loving you had her acting like a kid, searching for quarters in her bag that was overflowing with sensitive, classified, lawyer information. When you’d told her years later that you were going to go back to school, get your law degree, make the switch from Detective to ADA, she hadn’t looked at you with concern or disbelief, she hadn’t been annoyed you were blazing a trail into her career path, she was the first person to take your hand and lead you to the way. You wanted to pass for her; you had to pass for her. You didn’t want to let her down anymore than you wanted to let yourself down.

You had everything planned out. Benson let you out early, you’d grabbed lunch from the bodega Alex had turned you onto during your first year of law school for good luck, and then you’d gone back to your apartment to study. Alex had come home four hours into your final study session, you’d heard her shoes before her voice, and you knew that’s how she had a good day. On the days where Alex crept through the apartment on bare feet, biting her lip in anticipation, you know that by some miracle all her cards have aligned and she’s buzzing. When she’s pissed, annoyed that people are ignorant and the law is stupid sometimes, she bellows for you eagerly, like she’s pained to know you're finally so close by willingly so far. You hadn’t accounted for that in your schedule admittedly, she’d been having a hard go at things, but you welcomed her positive energy that got you through the next two hours. She made dinner around ten, frozen pizza and cherry sparkling water because she’d spotted it through the window of the Aldi you frequented and thought it would make a good treat instead of your typical wine. You had another six or so hours ahead of you. You’d accounted for it taking eight, just to give yourself some cushion if you did manage to keep on task and steal a few hours of sleep beforehand, but regardless, if you went to sleep at six, you’d be able to get six by noontime, and that was assuredly more than enough time to zap your brain with cold water from the shower, grab a banana, and make your way to the courthouse with only the flashcards you thought my calm you in your pocket. Maybe you were a fool to plan for self-assuredness tomorrow, this was one of the biggest tests of your life, sneezing at the wrong time could cost you the honor of passing, but somehow, you just knew that wouldn’t happen. Alex had beaten it into you that you have to have your own back, because friends turn to enemies in the DA’s office faster than cops and detectives can transfer stations. You remember the tragic tale of some of your other ADA’s and the defenses you’ve crossed paths with, you hate the legitimacy of her warning, but it's one that you’ve already let sink in and accepted. You can do this, because if you tell yourself you can’t, you're the first enemy in the field.

“Baby, come to bed.” Alex is perched against the doorframe of your office. You never close the door, there’s no reason to. The loudest thing Alexandra Cabot does when she knows you’re studying is get surprised by a sneeze and not have time to stifle it into her elbow, and then she shouts an apology before the apartment goes dull. Sometimes you leave it open to draw her in, convince her to spend a couple minutes with you in a bubble, though the l whole ‘ulterior motives’ thing is futile when the door never gets closed. You’re not even sure if the hinges squeak, the front doors do, but you’ve never bothered to fix it because it makes Alex smile when she stumbles in drunk at midnight after rounds with Olivia or, sparingly, Casey. “You’ll know just as much as you do tonight tomorrow morning even if you don’t read everything over right now.” She tries to persuade you, and you hate that she’s succeeding as you glance up at her, straining the muscles in your neck in the opposite direction that you’d previously had them tilted in.

“It still can’t hurt to look at everything again, Lex.” You smile fondly, biting down on the butt of your highlighter. It’s pink, slowly drying up after two years of constant use. It’s from Alex’s desk at the courthouse. Stolen straight from her jar of highlighters and pens that she keeps meticulously arranged in a rainbow.

Alex huffs, stomping into your office. The plate from dinner that she brought up is sitting on an empty slot in your bookshelf, far away from the notes that you’ve tediously taken and perfected over the last handful of years. She pulls your chair back, her hands grabbing yours and pulling them until you are standing on your feet in front of her. “I want to show my girlfriend a little support, so if you wouldn’t mind, would you get your ass in bed so I can do that? She’s got a big day tomorrow.”

Your eyes sparkle, because what in the world is she doing right now standing in front of you in her pajamas that are wrinkled and disheveled from however she was sprawled out in bed, probably rolling from side to side trying to keep herself from coming to get you as the hours ticked later and later. This wasn’t just an exciting day for you, it was an exciting day for her. She remembers the morning of her bar vividly, and though she’d been stressed out of her mind and crying, she says it was liberating to have the reassurance of all those endless years paying off. She says she can’t wait to see you afterwards. To know that she’s dating a lawyer. An aspiring ADA.

You pretend to consider it for a moment, your head falling to the side again, your eyes glancing at your piles of papers longingly. In truth, you know that you’re prepared and the longer you sit up here reminding yourself of things you already know, you’re getting bored, restless, annoyed. It’s all weighing on you now, and the weight of it all being over tomorrow somehow feels worse than it did when you’d thought about being done all those years ago. “Hm, okay.” You hum, pressing up to kiss her sweetly. Alex’s arms link around your waist, pulling you into her chest until the beat of your hearts hammered out of sync.

Alex smiled when she pulled away, her teeth hooked into your bottom lip until she let go, giggling softly when it popped against your upper lip, your eyes hooded in lust filled amusement as she teasingly worked you up without missing a beat. “Well, let’s get you to bed then.” She sang, grabbing your hand and pulling you out of the office, your bedroom was directly adjacent, and her footsteps only padded four and a half times before she was at the foot of your shared bed, reaching for the pajamas she’d evidently fished out of the drawers for you in preparation of interrupting your studying. In all your years, you’d never seen Alex this set on having your attention for yourself. It was cute.

”Let me help you with that.” Alex husked, her breath fanning across your shoulder as she stepped up to help you out of your sweats. You’d changed once you’d gotten home. Put on some sweatpants with cuffs at the ankles because you hated when the fabric fell over your toes, and a t-shirt that she’d apparently purchased from a tourist trap in Rome.

You shivered when Alex guided your arms above your head, her fingertips trailing down slowly from your wrists, past your elbows, over your shoulders, and down each side of your torso until her blunt nails could curl into the soft fabric and pull it upwards. Goosebumps were left in the wake of her tantalizing trail, spreading across your body before they shot through your core. “I love how you sound when I get you like this.” She whispered truthfully, stepping closer behind you while her fingers slipped beneath the waistband of your sweats. She didn’t waste time with the haphazardly tied string around your waist, tucked into the fabric of your sweats and hanging against your thigh. Every muscle in your lower body was tense with anticipation, itching for relief that she was keeping out of reach.

“Alex, please.” You whined, your head thrown back, resting on her shoulder. Your eyes fluttered closed, and Alex smiled fondly at the sight of you so content. Her lips kissed your forehead, her finger sweeping through your folds, collecting moisture that had collected just from when she’d asked you to come to bed the first time. It was embarrassing how easy you were for her, how she didn’t have to do anything and you’d be willing to eat out of the palm of her hand.

“I can take you right here. You can let me hold you while I make you cum, or, I can lay you down, baby. Which one?” Alex left a trail of open mouth kisses against your neck, her teeth nipping at the sensitive skin of your neck until you whimpered, your hands grappling to grasp at her soft shorts until she laughed and relented, dipping a finger into your core until your warmth swallowed her all the way up to the second knuckle. She crooked her finger, eliciting a gasp to tumble off your lip as she found that sweet spot inside of you. “What’s it gonna be, sweetheart? The bed or right here?” She slowly eased and applied pressure, rocking her heel into your clit, and then another finger was pressing into you, pulling out and dipping in, twisting and turning until it was slotted into your cunt beside the other. “Fuck, you’re so wet.”

“Alex,” You moaned, your head turning until you could bury your face in her shoulder, gnawing at the exposed skin of her arms.

“I know you can listen better than this, sweetheart. I asked you a question, I need your answer.” She cooed, kissing your lips when your head twitched at a particularly deep trust of her combined fingers, she combed over that spot inside of you, her thumb ghosting over your clit. You weren’t going to last like this. Not when you could feel the exhaustion creeping up on you, not when she knew your body so well, not when she was working you up so sweetly with her words.

“Right here, Alex, please.” You sighed, breath hitching when her thumb fell onto your clit in an earned reward. “Oh, my god. Right there, please, oh—!” Alex giggled softly, gripping your hip in one hand while her other continued to provoke soft squelching sounds, your arousal collecting on her palm.

”That’s it, come on. Cum for me, come on, there we go. Good girl, good girl.” She cooed, working her fingers until your thighs begun to shake and you grabbed at her wrist desperately, she kissed your cheek, easing her hand out of you softly, though you still felt every groove of her knuckles as they scraped across your sensitive walls.

Alex admired the stringy evidence of your love left on her fingers as the dim light of the lamp on your nightstand glowed enough for her to see, and you rolled your eyes at her smug state, wondering how you’d gotten so lucky as to find her on a whim. She licked her fingers clean, and you shoved her away from you. Alex laughed loudly, knowing how that simple act deeply disturbed you unless she settled it with a round between your thighs. That was not in the cars, both of you were exhausted, you needed sleep despite thinking you’d be capable of running on only six hours. Alex knows you better. She knows you’ll be miserable, you’ll curse her out, storm to your exam, probably pass just because you're you, but the guilt of your exhaustion will ruin whatever results come out either way. You’re taking the bar tomorrow, but you’ll never begin to know the material that makes up the test that is Alex Cabot. She’s her own bar exam, you’re her field of expertise.

”Put those on, and get your ass in bed.” Alex rolled her eyes, tapping your ass as she helped you out of your sweatpants and underwear. You tried not to let your surprise show when she brought out a rag, wiping softly between your legs before you helped you into a new pair and some shorts. You couldn’t sleep in pants, and somewhere in your relationship, that had transferred to Alex. Now, you’re not sure there's a single pair of pajama pants in your wardrobe at all.

“Mm, go brush your teeth.” You leaned up to kiss her, and Alex giggled, taking your hand and leading you out to the bathroom in the hallway. Her office was by the front door, every room in the apartment filled and utilized to some capacity, and while it made storage hard, there was never anywhere to put something new without getting rid of what already exists in the space, it feels incredibly homey, like you’ve truly built something spectacular together.

You follow her, because you have to do so as well, but you let her go first, because Alex is a freak and brushes her teeth with warm water and that’s something you can’t condone even if she’s cute with her toothbrush between her teeth trying to convince you it’s much more enjoyable once you get used to it. You’ll never know if she’s right, but she doesn’t hold it over you. Instead, she holds your waist as you take your turn, kissing your neck until the both of you are ready to climb into bed and prepare yourself for what tomorrow holds. Whatever the outcome is, you know she’ll be there.

“I love you, you’re going to do exceptionally well tomorrow. I’ll be waiting by the doors if Benson doesn’t show up and drag me out.” You grin, cuddling into her chest because you know that’s the truth, you know Benson would assuredly show up and drag Alex away if she thought for a second that their presence would somehow suck the air out of her testing room and disturb the peace you needed to create. She was sad to be losing you, to be watching you go and grow, but she’d be damned if all of your hard work didn’t pay off. That was just the kind of boss she had molded herself into.

“I love you, and I don’t really care what happens tomorrow, as long as you’re out there waiting when I’m done.” You grin when she pecks you, the taste of mint on her lips.

“Well then, I’ll be sure to put up a fight with Liv.” She muses, eyes sparkling. You just love her so.

“Good. Give her hell.”

[ceramicstarz]

guys pls love this i worked so hard on it

[iriscatorccio]

forgive me your honour, but she's gorgeous af

[caseynovakshoe]

Stephanie March as ADA Alexandra ‘Alex’ Cabot (2000-2011)

[natromilf]

i need more alex cabot x fem reader fics pls pls

[maximoffcarter]

okay but what if…Alexandra Cabot makes a return to SVU but instead of being there to help…she’s been arrested for murdering someone in order to protect a victim and her kids, and Casey Novak comes back as her defense attorney?🤔

[quinnfebrey]

Is your icon taylor in a teacher photoshoot or something

that's not even taylor 😭

[wild-fleurs]

Look at my babies as co counsel/cochairing a case like badasses!!

Perfect team in & out of the courtroom!

I love them

[cissyenthusiast010155]

You Go Too Fast For Me ~Dom!Rough!Alex Cabot xFem Sub!Lover!Reader

Summary— Alex comes back to Reader after a hard and long day in court. She immediately pounces on Reader to destress, but Reader can’t handle that intensity right now…

Mommy… Master List

Requests & Prompt-List

Warnings: NSFW, 18+!!!, smut, angst, little fluff at the end, kissing, strap fucking, rough sex, overstimulation, degradation, dom/sub relations, crying, comforting, eventual aftercare, eventual happy ending, etc.

Enjoy (;

The sound of skin slapping and of panting breaths filled the room. Alex was holding you on your knees by your hair and hip, as she pile drived into you from behind with her double ended strap.

She was going fast. She had wasted no time when you had come over, having stripped you and put you on all fours within minutes, saying something about work being long. She was fucking you hard. Alex pulled your hair tighter as she came closer to her climax. You squeezed your eyes shut tight. She was fucking you rough from behind, whispering the most degrading dirty talk in your ear.

You were gonna cum. So was she.

You both came Alex first, then you, before she pulled out of you and you both collapsed on the bed next to each other. Alex muttered a thank you before swiftly getting up and getting dressed again.

But you stayed in bed. You were sore. And the second she had pulled out of you, a wave of heavy sadness had hit you like a brick. Alex left the room to her closet to put her dirty clothes away and grab new ones.

A tear accidentally escaped down your cheeks. Your lips began to trembled. You couldn’t hold it in anymore. You sat up on the side of the bed and quickly wiped away the tears, trying to stifle the tsunami of emotions crashing into you. You then got up, with wobbly and sore legs, and went to pick up all your clothes. Alex came back into the bedroom as you were quickly and desperately getting dressed.

“Hey. Where are you going?” She asked, finishing putting her shirt on.

You looked away immediately, trying to rid your face of any evidence of sadness, while continuing to rush to dress.

“Gotta go…” you mumbled in no particular direction.

Alex’s stomache dropped. Something was wrong and she could feel it. The blonde came up to you, placing a hand on your back shoulder. You jumped at the contact, and that told Alex that her instincts were right.

“Hey. Hey, sweetheart… Talk to me, please…” Alex spoke gently.

You finally looked at the woman. Your lip started to tremble and your eyes were glossy. And then your legs gave out on you, being too sore and wobbly from your previous activities to handle such weight. Alex swiftly caught you with concern washed all over her face. She picked you up and placed you on the edge of the bed, sitting next to you. Your tears started to flow freely and you choked on your own air.

“What is it…?” Alex pled softly.

You sniffled, wiping your tears away once more.

“I… dunno— too much…” you chocked out in gasps.

“Oh Sweetheart… I’m sorry…” Alex sighed in concern, “Can I… Would it be alright if I touch you…?” She gently asked.

You nodded slowly, before feeling the woman’s hand on your back, comforting you with circular motions. Seeing you like this made Alex clench in anxiety and her head swim with guilt.

“Was I too rough…? Was the strap too big…?” Alex concerningly urged you to speak up.

You gulped, your breathing was still shallow and gasping.

“Mm hurts a little…” you whispered in confession, looking down in embarrassment.

Alex then grabbed your chin and directed your gaze to hers. Her own eyes were glossy now.

“Hey. Listen to me. This is not your fault. It’s mine. I am truly sorry, Y/N. I should have asked before I was so rough and degrading… before I used a new, bigger toy…” Alex apologized, as a tear rolled down her cheek.

You shook your head as the tears continued to fall.

“No no…it’s okay—” you stammered, before Alex interrupted you.

“No, sweetheart, it’s not. Not only did I come in and just use you for sex, but afterwards I just got up to get dressed… I didn’t… I didn’t check in or take care of you… Fuck Y/N I am so sorry, and I understand if you want to leave…” Alex breathed out.

You shook your head again.

“Don’t wanna leave…” you breathed out.

At this, Alex smiled lightly. And she nodded in response.

“Alright sweetheart, well how about a bath…?” Alex gently said, “Then maybe we can talk about some food…?”

You were starting to feel a little better now, although you were still sore. You pulled Alex’s hand into your lap and squeezed them in reassurance.

“Yes please…” you said, and Alex nodded, promptly picking you up and carrying you into the bathroom.

Once the tub was filled and you were in it, you reached for Alex’s hand.

“Join me…?” You whispered.

Alex’s face lit up even more and she nodded happily, taking her clothes off and getting into the warm water. You instinctually cuddled up into her frame and let out a deep sigh, finally feeling some relief.

“Thank you, Lex…” you whispered.

“Of course. I’m so sorry…” Alex said, sounding like a broken record.

“Is okay, Lex really…” you hummed.

“No it’s not…” she choked out.

You looked around to find Alex now in tears. Your face washed over in concern in guilt.

“No no no, Lexie it’s okay” you scrambled to calm the blonde.

“But… I took advantage of you…” Alex stammered.

“It was a mistake, you didn’t mean it—” you said in gentle comfort.

“But H-how could you ever forgive m-me…?” She choked out.

You brought your free hand up to caress Alex’s cheek. Your galley eyes meeting her teary ones.

“Alex, baby, listen to me. It is okay. If anything, it’s my fault for not saying anything. And it’s not like I didn’t enjoy it, it just… it was a little too much to handle, that’s all…” you reassured her.

Another tear escaped Alex’s eye, which you caught and wiped away lovingly. The blonde smiled lightly and nodded.

“Thank you, sweetheart…” Alex sighed, “I love you”

“Love you too.” You whispered, pressing your lips against Alex’s lightly and for a moment, before you both pulled away with sighs of content.

~~~

Alex Cabot Masterlist ~Coming Soon (;

[lxndrlvr]

‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ . ₊๋˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋

Let's get you home, detective.

Note: mentions of alcohol, getting drunk, confrontations, slow burn but not really?, angst if you squint, tension, sapphic stuff ykwim, jealousy.(!!??), misunderstandings.

Pairings: Alexandra Cabot × detective reader

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𖦹⭒°｡⋆

“You are under arrest for the rape of Kendall MacKenzie, you have the right to remain silent and to refuse any questions. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you....”

“Great job out there, you've really outdone yourself for a rookie.” well that was something you didn't expect, especially coming from the captain himself. Even the others praised you, and it made your stomach feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Being a rookie meant that you were prone to criticism, which meant that everything you did was monitored. Especially your job now in the Special Victims Unit police department (SVU) was no joke. It takes a lot to have the guts to work in there, good thing for you, you were not one to back out so easily.

As of now, you've already tracked down the suspect after days of trying to pin which one of them raped the poor girl. You were alongside munch and tutuola, which meant that you were always in between their daily banter and side comments. It was amusing, really. But most days, you prefer working alongside elliot and olivia. But that also meant feeling like you were third wheeling, which made you feel like you didn't belong anywhere. Still, that didn't stop you from tracking them all down alongside them. You were adjusting quite well, surprisingly you still haven't vomited from extreme nausea and punched someone in the face for being a straight up asshole.

...

Busy monday, tons of evidences yet still not enough to send that man to court. Everyone was getting frustrated, especially you. You were so focused on going over your papers over and over again, trying to see if you missed something small that can potentially help you make sense of it all that you didn't even realize someone was standing behind your back, talking to detective benson and stabler. You jumped from your chair, immediately flipping through the pages as you ran to olivia's side, pointing at every possible thing they missed during the investigation. Explaining in great detail on how you connected every clues and minor details, leading to you rummaging through your desk for more information. It was all finally adding up, you were so close.

“That's a good observation you have there” she paused, “I'm afraid we haven't met yet. I'm Alex Cabot, a pleasure to meet you.” introducing herself, she extended her hands to shake yours. While you were in a daze, just staring at her like a lovestruck fool, causing you to stammer. The papers and your pen falling on the floor from nervousness as you mentally cursed yourself as you picked up your things from the floor. Alex also crouched down, helping you as you introduced yourself, still stuttering. Olivia side eyed you, asking what was that all about when Alex was whisked away by Elliot and Cragen for a talk.

“No, I should be the one asking. What was that? That's Alex?” you asked in disbelief, you've only heard whispers about the ADA but you've never met her in person, that was, until today. Olivia has never seen you act this way, that's when it finally clicked.

“Please don't tell me you like Cabot.”

“I mean-” she cut you off “I'm not hearing you out, kid.”

“Oh come on!”

“You cannot be serious—”

“Oh you're one to talk” you interrupted, then gulped when she gave you a disapproving look. You felt like you were walking on thin ice, so you dropped it.

...

You're in awe while watching Alex in action, feeling massively intimidated by the older woman. Her voice alone, sent shivers down your spine while you paid attention intently on how she delivered the case.

“The defendant was charged with heinous crimes, the murder victim was seven weeks pregnant.”

“Objection!” a loud bang echoed in the court room, making you slightly wince.

“That was a nice try, counselor. Don't do it again.”

“My apologies.” alex replied sheepishly

...

Months have passed and still, you haven't made your move yet with her. Many have tried pursuading you but you've always avoided Alex like the plague. Something about that woman was making you stammer all over your words, so you decided it was best to keep your distance. But the latter seemed to take that you just generally disliked her, enough to keep your distance and put a wall in between you both before you even got too close. Of course at first alex went out of her way to befriend you, but realizing that no matter what she does, you would always end up avoiding her. She tried asking what was wrong, but you gave her no straight answers. Elliot watched as you fumbled over alex, he and olivia knew better than anyone, and by that I mean they know that you liked alex. It was painful to watch, to say the least. The amount of headache you've put them through, stressing them out just because you're too much of a coward to confess.

“Why do I do this? I always mess up, now she thinks I don't want to be her friend.” you pouted as you took a sip of your drink, it was a long exhausting day from work as usual. It was stabler's treat, just you and him. You reminded him so much of his daughter, and you needed a friend. Only, you suck at making friends so you just whisk off any parental figure you see to rant your heart out over some woman that you can't seem to get out of your mind.

“I really don't understand how you expect anything to happen when you ignore her” he started, then shook his head in a disapproving manner when you started to sniffle quietly.

“I'm scared, okay?” you tried to reason out

“Kid, you've handled crimes harder than this. Confrontation with cabot surely wouldn't kill you.” he said, taking a sip of his beer.

“But what if I mess up?” you said weakly, your eyes glassy from crying.

“You won't.”

...

You really didn't have any choice, not even a week later and you're whisked off to interrogate a suspect alongside cabot. Cragen specifically tasked you to stay by her side and when you tried to protest, that's when he changed his mind about letting olivia and elliot come with you. So now you're stuck with Alex, and you didn't know what to do other than fumble over the hem of your sweater. It was awkward at first, neither one of you spoke to one another, that was until Alex initiated first. You really didn't want to be rude so you tried to talk and keep your composure intact for your sake. It was by far the longest conversation you've had with her, and since then, you both went out of your ways to make small talks whenever you can.

The squad seemed impressed with the progress you had, and you were also quite proud of yourself for not being as nervous and cowardice before. That was, until you saw Alex with a man at a restaurant, where you were invited by your college close friend for dinner to catch up. The whole evening, you could barely focus on your conversation with your friend, you were practically fuming at this point. The way he held her hands, the sound of alex's laugh and her smile. It looked more genuine than when she was with you. And that hurt you deeply, and your friend seemed to notice the change in your demeanor so your dinner was cut shortly when he offered to take you out to get some ice cream. You agreed and you both exited the restaurant once he paid for everything.

Alex watched as you exited the restaurant with a man, holding you by your waist and guiding you out. Her heart felt heavy at the sight, almost forgetting that she was on a date with a guy. Now it felt so wrong to entertain him, alex felt sorry for using the guy, but she can't seriously let herself fall for the younger detective.

...

There it was again, and everyone seemed to notice it. Another growing tension between alex and the stubborn young detective, just when everyone thought things were going well, they were now back to avoiding each other like the plague. Olivia tried talking you through it, but you shut her out. It was a jerk move, yes, but olivia understood where you were coming from. So she dropped it, knowing that it was best to leave you to it. After all, you insisted that you're old enough to handle this.

But it also greatly affected your performance at work, you've grown more impatient than ever and whenever someone pokes you too much, you explode and storm out of there. You can barely focus anymore, but you're trying your best to maintain everything in control. It was painful to watch you go through this, benson, stabler, munch, tutuola and cragen. It didn't take long enough for them to figure out why you were acting this way. You're not even surprised anymore when you got called up in cragen's office by the end of the day.

“What's with you, detective.” he started off while you looked at the ground, feeling guilty for how you've been acting lately.

“I'm sorry..” your voice cracked, choosing not to answer his question. Apologizing instead, after all, it was your fault for letting your feelings consume you whole.

“Look kid, I understand that you might be going through something serious, but what's happening? It has to be something big that you're letting it get to you.” you couldn't answer him, it sounded too childish to admit why you acted this way.

“It won't happen again, sir.” you closed your eyes, feeling like you're getting scolded by your father for misbehaving.

“I'm not mad, if there's anything you need, don't hesitate to come to me. Take care of yourself kiddo. You're free to go.” you silently thanked him as you exited the room, bumping into someone.

“Oh I am so sorry—” you began, only to cut your sentence short when you realize it was alex, standing close to you. You cleared your throat, as stepped away. She didn't even spare a single glance at you as she entered cragen's office.

...

Alex wouldn't mind falling in love with you, if it didn't mean being in love with a girl.

You wouldn't mind falling in love with a girl, if it didn't mean falling in love with alex.

...

You visited Alex's office, alongside munch and tutuola to discuss something. You barely spoke a whisper, not even a sound came out of you, when asked, you would just nod or reply non verbally. The amount of times you caught alex's intense gaze at you, was more than you could count. Or at least her eyes never left yours the minute you stepped foot inside her office. When it was time to head out, you were the first one to leave but was stopped when munch told you to stay back. They'll just get something and will be back in at least 15 minutes, you were about to protest but they didn't give you a chance, they were already out. You stood in the corner, refusing to acknowledge Alex's presence. Her telephone rang, as she got up and approached to answer it.

“Alexandra Cabot” she answered, then her face lit up when she recognized the voice, belonging to her guy friend. It wasn't your intention to eavesdrop, but alex seemed excited talking to him. The sight alone was enough to pierce your heart, lucky for you, munch came back just in time to pick you up.

...

“You didn't tell me she was invited too.” you mumbled, gulping as you watched Alex from afar, talking to cragen about something. You scoffed when you heard elliot chuckle, having the urge to elbow his face for finding this amusing.

“Does that bother you?”

“You know damn well it does.” you murmured, drinking your cheap beer.

“Snappy.”

...

You were now left alone in the bar, while the others chatted in the corner. A guy approached you, while Alex watched from a distance. She overheard you refusing the man's offer to buy you a drink, standing up from your stool as you tried to wobble away from the man. You were evidently drunk, but the stranger was persistent. Before he could even grab you, someone already did, holding your waist protectively as they put themselves in between you and the man harassing you.

“Get out of my way, woman—” he tried to snatch you away when alex slapped his hand away and kept you close to her.

“I suggest you get out of my face before I put you behind bars.” alex calmly stated, holding you close as you rested your head on her neck, mumbling something incoherent.

“And who are you to tell me what to do, you little—”

“Her girlfriend, now if you may excuse me, don't ever come near her ever again.” she snapped at him before pulling you gently away from the bar, going straight to your colleagues as she offered to take you home.

You protested incoherently, you were talking nonsense at this point as you tried to identify who was this woman holding you close.

“Who are you?” hiccup.

“It's alex” she gently murmured against your ear as she led you out of that place.

“My alex or other alex?” she laughed at that, shaking her head as you addressed her as 'your alex'. Or is it her?

“Well how many alex do you know?” amused, she asked the younger detective.

“Only you” you shrugged.

“Let's get you home, detective.”

...

Fortunately, you were sober enough to inform her your address. Which led her to driving you to a dark and dirty alley, which looked very unsuitable for any woman to walk on, it was so dark that she doesn't know how you manage to go home safely in this alleyway. Once you arrived, alex saw a few gang members outside the building, as she immediately turned her car back around and drove to her house instead.

“Absolutely not.” alex muttered under her breath, there was no way in hell was she going to let you stay in your apartment knowing that those men were lurking outside the building, not to mention at an ungodly hour considering it was 1 am.

“Hey, this is not the way to my apartment.” you sulked, as alex rolled her eyes. Of course it wasn't, she was not going to let you step foot inside that building after what she saw.

“I know, we're heading back to my place.” good thing alex stayed sober.

“At least take me out to dinner first, miss cabot.” you scoffed, not noticing how alex blushed from your absentminded words. Still, she didn't comment on it.

...

You can't really recall what happened, but you somehow found yourself in Alex's guest bedroom, in her pajamas, wrapped under her blankets, inside her own home. You walked down the stairs, only to find alex with her hair up in an apron, cooking breakfast. She glanced up, her pair of blue eyes, staring directly at you as she smiled softly.

“Good morning, how do you feel?” she asked as she opened one of her cabinets and grabbed painkillers for you to drink, as you slowly approached her in the kitchen, sitting on one of the stools.

“Like I just got hit by a thousand bus.” you managed to croak out, good thing you brushed your teeth using the spare toothbrush she left for you upstairs. She chuckled at your antics, placing the painkillers in front of you, as well as a glass of water.

“That's what you get for drinking too much” alex said in amusement as she watched as you drank the pills, groaning at your headache. Plating your food, she sat next to you, turning your head to face her.

“Can you eat?” she asked, her voice gentle as she cupped your cheeks. You nodded, accepting the plate of food from her.

...

After eating, you're both silently looking at each other. The plates long forgotten on the table, her blue eyes scanning over your facial features, wondering how could someone be as angelic as the younger detective in front of her.

“Why do you hate me?” that question caught you off guard, your eyes widening. Her voice sounded weak and defeated, almost as if she was in pain, the thought alone, sent shivers down your spine.

“What? I don't hate you, alex. Who told you that?”

“No one did, it's just that..” she paused, then sighed. “Why are you avoiding me? Have I done something wrong?” she asked.

“No, you didn't do anything wrong.”

“Then why are you avoiding me? Why do you always run away from me? I can't understand you, one moment we're okay, and then the next second I get too close, you run away from me!” she snapped.

“Alex-”

“Why are you treating me like this?” her voice cracked, her eyes slowly becoming glassy.

You gulped, not knowing what to say. For as long as you can remember, you've always thought that alex couldn't care less if you ignored her, that it didn't hurt her one bit, but seeing her like this. It felt like a stab to your heart.

“That day at the restaurant, I saw you with a guy.” taking a deep breath, you paused. Then continued. “It broke my heart, alex. I saw the way he held your hands and how he made you laugh, I wanted it to be me.” you sniffled.

“I always thought I was out of your league” you let out a dry chuckle. “Is it selfish of me to admit that I'm jealous? Why couldn't it have been me? But then I figured, maybe you didn't like me that way so I distanced myself. Do you know how hard it was to watch your smile? Knowing that another man is making you happy, while I stepped back because I'm too much of a coward to admit that I have fallen for you. Can you believe it alex?” choking on a sob, you tried to contain your emotions as you wiped away your tears.

“I'm not a very religious person, but God, I dropped to my knees and prayed. I asked him why he was doing this to me and why does love come easy for other people, but when it comes to me, it felt like sin. I can feel my skin burning with every cry that I let out, this guilt is eating me inside and I don't know how to feel about it.”

“I like you, alex. No, I love you. And that's what hurts the most, because—” before she could finish her sentence, alex kissed her. Effectively shutting her up, her tears coming to abrupt, the kiss almost desperate as you closed your eyes and kissed back.

Pulling away felt like such a crime, but you had to eventually. Resting against each other's forehead as you both tried to catch your breath after kissing so intensely. Then alex chuckled, trapping you in her arms as she pressed a soft, tender kiss on your cheeks.

“Idiot, I love you more.”

[wild-fleurs]

Exactly! SVU missed an opportunity to at the very least have some double episode case with both our girls prosecuting as the badass team we know they are

Season 13- so like... are Alex and Casey sharing the ADA role now?

I mean hey, I'm totally all for it, I fucking love my girls, but I'm just wondering why at any one time, there's only one or the other present in an episode.

They would be SO POWERFUL as a prosecuting duo, I wanna see them interact in the same episode (because omg 6x16 did not do them justiceee).

I just need more Calex to feed my delusions, okay?!

[ctblanctt]

UNDER THE SURFACE.

✷ a. cabot x fem!ada!reader

The invitation arrived by email. Objective. Formal.

“Panel on Justice and Structural Reforms. NYU. Panel 2: Law & Memory. RSVP by 03/12.”

Signed: Alexandra Cabot.

You read it twice. Then you closed your laptop. You waited five days to respond. On the sixth, you said “yes.” Short. Without emotion. As if Alex were just another former colleague.

But she wasn't.

And no part of you really believed that this meeting would be neutral.

——

The room was cold, white, academic. Typical NYU. Too many people dressed in black, with attentive gazes and open notebooks. You walked in just as the panel was starting. She was there, sitting at the table, in a dark blue suit and with an upright posture, as if each word that came out of her mouth still carried the weight of a verdict.

The theme was “institutional memory,” but there was another memory present there. Yours. Invisible, but dense. Almost tactile.

You sat in the back. Silent.

She talked about laws, reforms, the trauma of the system. Cold. Clear. Brilliant. No one else saw her, but you recognized the small gestures — the way she twisted the ring around her finger, the slight tension in her jaw as she controlled herself from saying too much.

She knew you were there. She didn't look. But she knew.

Later, at the cocktail party, she approached. A glass of wine in her hand. The same short nails, the same practiced coldness on her face.

“It’s good to see you still involved in this.” she said, as if she were talking to anyone else. As if she didn't know your sleepy breath against her chest at 3 in the morning.

“Someone has to keep going.” you replied. And smiled. Not out of politeness. Out of defense.

“You have a different look in your eyes.” she commented, as if observing an old painting that has been retouched.

“Everyone changes.” you replied. “Or you intend well enough.”

She nodded. She looked away. A silence settled between you. And it was more honest than any words.

“Are you... okay?” she asked, without looking you in the eye.

"I'm functional. And you?"

“Same.”

There was no irony. Don't try to move. Just a direct, practical exchange between two people who had learned to wear the armor perfectly.

“You didn’t answer my last email, months ago.” She said it casually, but there was something in her voice that betrayed the weight of the sentence.

“I thought you didn’t need an answer.”

“Maybe you didn’t.” She said, and took another sip.

Silence again.

You could talk about anything. Politics, justice, literature. Except about you.

Because talking about the subject of “us” would require naming what still existed. And naming would be reviving. And reliving it… was dangerous.

“Are you back here for good?” you risked asking.

Alex shook her head. "I don't know what 'for good' means anymore. I'm here for now."

“‘For now’ is almost always enough to mess everything up again.”

She let out a low laugh. It wasn't humorous. It was the laugh of someone who understood perfectly.

"Don't worry. I didn't come to mess anything up."

“I’m not worried.”

“Of course not.”

Another pause.

Outside, the rain was starting to patter softly against the windows of the lobby. She looked at the door.

"I have to go. I still have an early flight tomorrow."

“Sure.”

She held out her hand. That formal gesture. Distant.

You touched her hand for two seconds longer than you should have. She didn't flinch. But she didn't react either.

“It was good to see you,” she said.

“You too.” You lied. Or not.

She turned and walked away.

She didn't look back.

But she didn't need to.

Some stories end without screams, without tears, without dramatic final scenes. Some stories just remain there — beneath the surface — like a crack in the glass: discreet, almost invisible, but impossible to ignore.

And maybe yours is one of those.

[zycalex]

Rewatching Alex’s and Casey’s SVU seasons make me feral. So… here comes a long winded worm vomit about them.

Alex’s first episode where she calls Uncle Bill and her politics talk with Cragen clearly establishes her as an ambitious privileged ADA.

Casey, right from the start, coming from a different bureau and only vouched for by Branch, clearly establishes her as an underdog.

Alex wears suits in muted colors.

Casey wears bright as fuck random outfits (her long skirts with thigh high boots makes me shake my head and feel feral at the same time).

Alex feels like she just comes and goes and crushes it at trials.

Casey quite literally inserts herself even during investigations.

The way judges keep berating Alex and call her “Alexandra” like a petulant child makes it feel like these judges have weekend lunches with the Cabots, headed by Uncle Bill.

Casey’s poker game interruption and sheepishness (and subsequent cringey dream admittance) makes it feel like she really was just a random lawyer to these people.

Alex may seethe at times but she always remains restrained.

Casey, on the other hand, fights just about everyone. The detectives, people at the DA’s office, the judges, and heck even the military.

Alex loses, too, but sometimes, she doesn’t mind doing so as long as she can move forward the case law.

Casey loses, too, but she always minds. Always.

Alex depends on Olivia a lot.

Casey depends on Elliot a lot.

Huang has both their hearts.

These two are so different and yet so alike. They are both intensely passionate and yet so many things about their attitude and actions make them different.

I love them so so much.

Also, these similarities and differences just make them all the more fated to be with each other.

CaLex, you will always have my heart.

[natromilf]

my baby alex in blue <33 god i miss her so much

[iwoulddieforher]

Liebmichallee | Alex Cabot × Casey Novak

heavy warnings for discussions of suicide and drug use !! HEAVY WARNING !! also, as a side note, I as an author do not personally believe that suicide is selfish. But Casey has existing dialogue in the show where she implies she thinks so, so. that's what she says

Summary: Casey shows up at Alex's house a week after being brought before the Bar and God ... she is a mess

A/N: Short, unedited, unbeta-read. Not counting this as an official work because it wasn't intended to be published (I don't like it very much) but people responding said I should, so ...

Ficlet is written essentially entirely from Alex's perspective, intentionally, you're not supposed to know what's going on with Casey except for the degree Alex is aware of.

Written in continuation to That's A Damn Shame, so it makes sense to read that fic first ... but you don't need too. Context: Homicide Bureau Chief Alex & SVU ADA Casey (Alex engaged to Robert Stilton, like she is in Conviction)

Casey Novak knew more about her than potentially anyone else had or ever would have, with the possible exception of Olivia Benson. But Olivia wasn't the one Alex kept seeking out, kept spending long hours staring at from the couch in Casey's office that Alex had claimed as her designated spot for whenever she wasn't actively working.

Casey Novak had saved her life, saved her glory, saved her dignity. Witness protection had made Alex meek and humbled, Casey Novak and her ferocity and the odd thrum of her heart in her chest as she had watched the redhead tie the verbal noose around her would-have-been assassin had made her regain that innate sense of being above it all in a way she knew no one else would've been able to do.

Casey Novak had mottled brown-and-blonde hair, and she had recently begun wearing it in large, loose curls that swayed as she sauntered from room to room in her heels and tailored slacks. Her features were angular yet simultaneously so delicate and gentle that Alex couldn't help but allow her to burn herself into the dark behind Alex's eyelids-

Alexandra Cabot thought of Casey Novak perhaps a bit more than she should. She was her favorite confidant, though, the term they had finally settled on that did not at all manage to capture the extent to which she valued Casey.

Casey Novak was currently standing dazed on her doorstep, head bowed, her green eyes, as they stared aimlessly somewhere near Alex's face, so dull and haunted it was terrifying.

Alex wasted no time crossing the boundary of the door and wrapping the younger woman in her arms, a vague idea what was wrong- Casey had been called before the bar, she had heard that through the gossip thrum, and although she had stopped by her office to see how she was doing the only thing she had found were workers beginning to prep the space for someone else. It made her sick, and she had called, but Casey at that time hadn't answered.

And- that was now nearly a week ago.

She had kept telling herself Casey was not obligated to reach out to her, to tell her her plans, how she would move forward. She did not have to tell her where she was, nor how she was doing. She knew the woman was a hothead and reckless at times- not that she thought at all what had happened was acceptable, she felt outrage trickling in her throat like hot sand, it was her first real violation and the threats that had been made were so severe - this was hard to grapple with. If it was hard for her to grapple with, it must be impossible for Casey.

Perhaps that was why Casey was in her embrace now, limp arms hanging by her sides, covered only by a thin blouse- where was her coat, her scarf? Where had she come from dressed like this? Casey didn't live near her, but Alex knew she didn't like to ride share and a quick glance didn't notify the presence of her bike. Regardless, Alex wanted to get her inside, and from the way Casey was unmoving, she thought it would be an easy task to do.

Evidently, it was not. The second Alex pulled her body into her's, expecting a stiff hug and then the ability to usher her over the doorframe, Casey's legs gave out with just enough time for the younger woman to snag her hands up and around Alex's shoulder so she didn't fall to her knees on the elder woman's doorstep.

"Casey-?" Alex hushed into her ear, trying to check Casey's wellbeing, but it was difficult with a woman the same size and around the same build as her hanging loosely off of her body. The grip Casey had on her shoulders was an indication of consciousness to some degree, an unwillingness to find herself on the floor, but other than that the younger woman did not respond.

"Who was it?" Came the voice of her fiance behind her and Alex jolted, forgetting for a moment that he was here. They had been eating an excessively late dinner moments prior, before the doorbell rang, and she had assumed with a sigh she was being served or perhaps that Olivia was having a rough case.

She didn't answer him, trying to hold Casey up, trying to shake some form of responsiveness back into the woman's shoulders, which Casey still did not respond too, although with shuddering legs she found her feet again. It made it worse, Casey burying her face awkwardly into Alex's collar in a way in which Alex felt like she was going to be toppled over. Fluid met Alex's skin and she wasn't sure if Casey's nose was running or if she was crying and she couldn't check without letting her go, which she wasn't sure she could do.

"Alexandra?" Stilton called again, and with a small curse muffled in Casey's hair she managed to turn around, slightly, to call back, "Hold on a moment."

She wanted Casey inside, now. Whatever was making her so distraught could be dealt with once Casey was safely inside and when her shoulderblades felt a little less like Casey was about to tear them off. It hurt, but she wouldn't dare try to pull the woman off of her.

"Casey," Alex inhaled and swiveled her head back to face her, pressing a chast kiss on the top of faux blonde locks, "Can you come inside?"

A slow, shaky exhale was all that was elicited into Alex's simple shirt and she sighed, eyes darting around, before pursing her lips and shaking her head. With a furrowed brow, she pressed her nose softly against the woman's bowed head, inhaling the scent of sandalwood and something tarrish. Cigarettes, she recognized, and perhaps something hard like rum lingered on her shallow breath. So, intoxicated, then. It simultaneously made her relax that she could identify some sort of cause and more concerned, because Casey wasn't a smoker, and she never drank herself into a tizzy like this either.

"I'm so sorry, Case, I'm not strong enough to carry you. Help me take you inside, please?"

She felt Casey swallow and struggle, the force of her lean beginning to decrease as she focused on righting herself. Thank god, Alex thought vaguely, but she did not loosen her hold.

"What's happening?" Robert neared the door self-importantly, straightening his tie, and Alex hissed inwardly. She had Casey as a priority, she didn't want to deal with that one right now. She coaxed Casey to stay against her when she felt the younger woman try to pull away, startled by the presence of another, one of Alex's hands raising to cup the back of Casey's skull and keep her face buried against her throat. She knew Casey liked being there, on one of their more haphazardly heady nights Casey had ever dared to murmur it felt like her head was made to fit just there, and in this moment Alex agreed. Casey's struggle to flee to confines of Alex's embrace weakened just as Alex had expected it too- but that only meant the way she was shivering was not advertent.

"I'm not sure." She muttered curtly, her voice a thin line that carried a note of warning, feeling the shake of Casey's form against her. With increasing urgency she resolved out loud to her soon-to-be husband, "But something's wrong and I'm going to take care of her."

Robert raised an eyebrow, which Alex only saw when she twisted her neck back around to face him, and he seemed slightly off guard with the intensity in her clear blue eyes.

"She doesn't look well," he commented with a wrinkle of his nose that made Alex see red for a quarter second, 'll call for an ambulance."

He said this as though it was an offer, like he was doing her a favor, although it was not really an offer so much as a poorly concealed statement. He didn't want his lover to be occupied with whatever wreck of a woman had showed up on his doorstep.

Casey's sudden movement to tug away was as sharp as the harsh, "No," that snapped from Alex's lips. Robert looked taken aback and she could not find it in herself to care, rather, only the growing desire to lash out again. Alex knew Casey couldn't stand hospitals, got nauseous at the smell of disinfectant, and she would not let her be forced to the confines of those walls she hated when Alex could take care of her perfectly well right here.

"Alexandra," Robert tried to implore, and Alex felt her lip curl at the name. He never accepted to calling her the name that felt natural, the shortening to 'Alex', he always addressed her in the same way that her uncle and her superiors did.

"You take enough work home as it is. I know you're trying to volunteer with that domestic abuse shelter but you can't just let some-"

"Get out." Alex snapped, again, feeling Casey push against her ribs and only tightening her hold, offering a stroke of her thumb against the back of Casey's hair to console her, to reassure her, while she dealt with the issue.

"Alexandra." He said firmly, and she raised her eyebrows as if bewildered by his audacity, "You want me to leave our home because some vagabond showed up-"

Oh, she realized internally, he doesn't know who she is. She didn't know why she had expected Robert to know intrinsically, because she had never introduced them, and perhaps she had done that intentionally because she wasn't particularly fond of the idea of the man she spent the majority of her time with standing next to the woman she wanted to spend the majority of her time with. Having them meet like this was not ideal and although he did not recognize her by appearance she knew from the way she mentioned a specific name a bit too often he would recognize her by name if Alex called her that, so she just gritted her teeth awkwardly.

"You act like you don't own other properties," she murmured, softening Casey's squirm with another reassuring squeeze, running the pads of her fingertips through curls in the process of falling out, "You have other places to be."

"I can go," Casey rasped, suddenly, breaking the harsh stare being exchanged by the couple, looking up at Alex with haunted eyes. Alex's heart clenched at the tone of her voice- it seemed gravelly, like she hadn't used it in months, thick with apparent anguish.

Alex craned her neck backwards slightly so Casey could see more of her face when she shook her head, eyes softening immediately the second they fell on her instead of her fiance. She couldn't remove the hand on Casey's back that seemed to be more able to keep Casey upright than the younger woman's own legs, so she hand that was nestled in her hair moved away to cup her face instead, her thumb drawing small lines on her cheekbone.

"No, sweetheart, I don't want you too. I want you to stay here with me, he can go. Can you help me get you inside? You're freezing out here."

"Alexandra," Stilton tried again, his voice like a confused growl, but Alex only kept her eyes on Casey's face, the green glassy eyes rimmed with purple, and snarled under her breath back at him defiantly.

"Alexandra?"

"Just go to the brownstone, okay?" Alex sighed dismissively, "I'll call you in an hour or two."

With a bewildered glare he left to go pull on his coat and lace up his shoes, and Alex returned to coaxing Casey, who returned to being nonverbal. Stilton returned despite her obvious impatience, pressing a forced goodbye kiss to her cheek and then finally leaving, brushing past the bundle of contracted limbs that was Alex and Casey before climbing into his luxury car and vanishing into the night.

"He won't bother you, Case, it's okay, talk to me." Alex hushed, pressing a kiss to the top of Casey's hairline the second Richard was out of view, but Casey was fading back out.

"Let me get you inside," Alex tried instead, starting to grow cold herself on the front steps, having not put on a jacket when she went to go open the door because- well, why would she? She hadn't expected this at all.

She had not expected the person on her doorstep to be Casey, and she had never thought to see Casey in such a state either- a state that was getting worse, because Casey seemed to be dissolving back into her inability to stand once more.

"Casey- god, please, you're scaring me," She whispered, finally, as Casey's knees seemed to buckle beneath her and her hands, this time, didn't manage to grip at Alex's shoulders properly. Alex cursed, momentarily, that she never accepted Olivia's offer to go to the gym with her. That she never toyed with Casey's offer to attempt softball. If she had, maybe she'd be strong enough that Casey wouldn't need to fight to remain vertical right now.

It felt like her words were registered, though, because a second later Casey's eyebrows contorted with effort and she struggled to up and let go- Alex hadn't meant that she needed to let go, she hadn't wanted her too, but whatever- and she allowed Alex to coax her inside. Alex closed the door behind her firmly, and then ushered her over to the couch, which Casey barely made it too before she faltered, hands gripping the armrest with too much vigor until she managed to hit the leather face-first.

"Casey," Alex murmured, trying to help her flip over so she wouldn't suffocate, "fireball, what happened?"

"Not much of a fireball," Casey hushed, her tone low and as though she was mocking herself, but with a squirm and managed to pull herself in a sitting position, hunched back on the couch as Alex stood over her.

Alex swallowed, tasting wary concern budding in her mouth. She thought maybe Casey was just overcome by sorrow and perhaps a glass too much vodka, and that once she got her inside and someplace more lax she'd be different, but Casey was really, really fucked.

"You took something," Alex realized out loud, watching Casey's inhale-exhale pattern plateau at a rate much too high, as if she were panting despite exerting no force, and Casey looked completely disgusted with herself, shrinking away from the concern in the blue eyes.

As the blonde's eyes scrutinized her features, she realized it was worse, her face was flushed and her eyes rimmed with purple from exhaustion and red from crying, her skin paled and blue-tinted as if sickly. She was panting and her body was shivering, and Alex hoped bitterly it was residual from being out cold on the street and not from something worse.

How long had she been on the street? How long had she been like this? And when Casey looked up at her with pupils drawn into small dots Alex cursed under her breath, a shaky hand moving to touch Casey's clammy skin. How long had she-

Oh, oh god. Oh god. Alex recognized that look in her eyes, the pinpoint pupils, the air surrounding her. She didn't like at all where she knew it from.

"An opioid? Jesus, Casey, you've- no one has gotten a hold on you for a week, is this what you've been-?"

"Please don't call anyone," Casey muttered suddenly, "please don't report this, I- he said if, he- if no hospital, then I needed to go to... someone that, because he said he ..."

Fuck, Alex thought, and then tried to find the silver lining in at least Casey hadn't tried to speak much in front of Robert, because they'd be having a much bigger problem then. She felt guilty that was her immediate thought.

"As long as you stay conscious," Alex muttered, her voice dark, running a hand along Casey's jaw, instinctively dropping to her knees, "as long as you stay conscious, I won't call anyone."

"Then ... I'll do my best, to stay awake," Casey slurred, and it sounded like she was making a half-hearted joke, so it didn't call the bundle of fear growing and aching in Alex's heart.

She was speaking slowly, a lot slower than she had been when she stammered, as if she realized her broken sentences were concerning Alex and she was taking special care in each long, drawn out word, so Alex would have the benefit of a coherent statement.

Casey made no move to stop Alex as she rolled her sleeves tentatively up, and when her inner elbow was exposed Alex didn't even stop herself from letting startled tears fall from her face and marr her glasses. She was bruised, pinpricks of red surrounded by larger stains of purple, as though the person who had shot her up was already high- or as though she had tried to shoot up more despite already being high. Perhaps both.

"Fuck, Casey." Alex grimaced, "Why the hell would you- did you not think that I'd..."

Novak blinked, once, as if trying to clear her head, before offering in a low, hopeless hum. "I didn't think ... I'd see you again."

"What are you saying?" Alex bit, incredulousness seeping into her tone, "You thought I'd- what, that you being suspended would- do you think I'm that shallow?"

"No, Alex."

Alex was then scared, and she didn't want Casey to continue, because she realized what she was about to say, and she didn't think she could stand to hear it.

"I didn't think I'd ..." She paused, briefly, and then shook her head. "I wasn't going to see anyone again."

There was a heartbeat, or maybe a lot of them, where the only thing that broke the loud silence was the sound of Casey's soft exhale and Alex swallowing, staring at her blankly. There was no way she meant that. Alex was certainly jumping to conclusions- wasn't she? There was no way that Casey meant that, that she had been planning, that she was going to ...

And then Alex was crying, and Casey wasn't, so it felt like a pretty stupid thing to do, but she couldn't help the loose sobs wracking her body as she thought about what Casey had just implied. Numbly, she realized she had set her face down on Casey's knee, and shaky hands were trying to cradle her face. She pushed Casey's arms away- she couldn't handle being held like that, not right now.

"I shouldn't have told you that; I'm sorry." Casey murmured, holding her hands up in the air by her sides as if she didn't know what to do with them if she wasn't allowed to comfort the woman crying on her knee.

"Who did this to you?" Alex snapped instead, righting herself back up and standing, flinging her glasses to the side so haphazardly they probably broke, but she couldn't care less as she rubbed her eyes and clawed the evidence of her own anguish off her face. "Who gave you- what the hell did you even take?"

Casey stayed silent, looking up at her from the couch with clouded jade eyes, and Alex was unsure if she was processing the question or having an internal dialogue about it.

Alex knew she probably seemed ticked off right now as she began pacing, and that was a shitty thing to do when someone comes to you for comfort, but the idea Casey had chosen to submerge herself in chemicals and- and God forbid, that- instead of coming to her first hurt.

Had she not done enough so that Casey would know she'd- but no, perhaps not, perhaps this was partially her own fault for- no, but- God, this was horrible, and she wasn't equipped to handle this at all. But she both couldn't and didn't want Casey to be anywhere else than right there on her couch so she could have some tattered image of control.

"Did you seek it out?" Alex asked instead, trying to calm herself, sinking back down to her knees just to the side of where Casey was, and at the very least she was relieved when Casey shook her head 'no'.

"How, Casey?"

"I was ..." And Casey averted her eyes, but if Alex was directly asking like this, it seemed like she couldn't deny her the information. "A man- his name, it was something like, his last name sounded like a plant ... I think it- it doesn't matter. He said if- if I really was going to jump, then I might as well ... he might as well show me how good life can feel, first."

"And you've spent a week with this man?" Alex's voice was so low, so quiet, she could barely hear it. A week in which Casey did not return her messages, a week in which she was shooting up and letting herself be miserable while Alex would've broken the bounds of the earth to ensure her safety. Why hadn't Casey just come to her the night of? Tear-streaked face but no wounds, nothing in her system other than perhaps a misery-ridden beer, shaking but entirely from emotion and nothing else. Alex would've thrown her fiance out the same way and held her until she felt-

but perhaps Alex wouldn't have been able to fix it, actually. Maybe Alex couldn't have done anything to help her.

She didn't like that realization at all.

Casey only shrugged, closing her eyes as if pained, while Alex began to panic internally.

"I'm sorry, Casey." She murmured, running a shaky hand through her blonde hair, "I shouldn't- I don't want you to think that I'm angry."

But she was angry, and she was trying not to be at Casey, but this conversation was making her skin feel as though it was crawling off of her like fleshy spiders and the energy that feeling generated had to be directed somewhere. She focused on clenching her jaw, on the feeling of her teeth pressed against each other.

Her mind was concocting images of the woman before her standing numbly on a ledge on some building looking down and not hesitating, ready to leave her behind. The blonde hair Alex had ran her fingers through whipping around her face, the green eyes that had always studied Alex so intently seemingly vacant. It made her feel as though she were about to vomit. Casey could not leave her in that way.

A shudder ran up her spine and she settled back on the couch, this time sitting parallel to Casey, who was not meeting her eyes.

She swallowed. There were too many questions, too many thoughts, too much to verbalize, too much emotion to process. She gently grasped for Casey and tugged her until the faux blonde woman's head was resting on her shoulder, which Casey made no move to change, and then sat there quietly.

"I'm sorry," Casey offered quietly, her voice thick and still slurred.

"I just want you to be okay," Alex hushed, "I just want you to never, ever think about doing this again."

Casey was wordless, silent and still. If it wasn't for the exhale that Alex could feel with the younger woman leaning against her side, Casey could've been dead right then.

"I don't think I could handle it," Alex spoke to fill the silence, spoke to try to clear the growing gnaw of her anxious brain, "If I found out you were gone, if- God, Casey, I work for homicide, I'd need too ..."

"I wasn't in your district," Casey rasped, and Alex began to cry again, but this time it was silent. Tears rolled like large pearls down her face and she did nothing to stop it, blinking down at the coffee table and trying not to imagine a world without a fireball redhead pulling stupid stunts like trying to sue the military. She always seemed to brazen, so harsh, so reflective of life and the burning energy of the sun. What the hell was Alex supposed to do with the information the sun that was currently resting on her shoulder was trying to set, and never rise again?

"That's worse," was all Alex could manage as a response. "I would've found out from someone else, then."

"You don't have to tell me suicide is selfish, Alex, I know it is."

Her voice was stronger now, in the sense her formation of words was stable and more firm, more cohesive, despite still being thick and heavy and husked. Sentences she planned were now steady. Alex wanted to grimace at the word being used in its full regard- they weren't going to continue avoiding the elephant, evidently- but she couldn't find the strength to do so. She just stared blankly ahead of her and tried to breathe evenly.

Alex had mused to herself before, as did most others, that suicide was the easy way out. It damaged the people around an individual who was in pain, and there was always an end to pain, even if one didn't believe there would be, one just needed to wait it out. A person could recover from mental illness but a family can't recover from the death of a loved one. Suicide, in her mind, was a tragedy and a waste. But she'd never think to call Casey selfish, or think about her in that way at all- it felt wrong, and Alex could never consider Casey a selfish person.

"Why?" She murmured hoarsely, folding her hands in her lap and staring at the fingers interlocking her own, feeling Casey's gaze shift to them as well.

"Everything is so hard, ... so pointless." Casey muttered bitterly, an edge to her tone that wasn't present before. Alex wanted to believe it was the drug talking, but Casey seemed more sober than she had before.

"I use to, I- I could delude myself into thinking I was strong, or ... capable enough to defend others from how from how existence feels, from living feels, from- from this."

She gestured at herself as if her own existence was evidence to the doomed nature of life, the needle marks in her arms and the bags under her eyes, the scrapes sitting or laying on floors must have caused that Alex hadn't noticed until that point. The usual prim posture and fiery aura was diminished entirely- if her eyes, simmered as they were, were not that shade of green, Alex would've written her off as someone else based on the sense of presence alone.

"But I'm not." She scoffed, disgust blossoming on her tongue that was entirely self directed, "A cop killer and a rapist walked and there's no one to blame but me. My licence is under scrutiny, and I-"

"You're going to get it back, Casey, three years isn't..."

"I wish it had just been revoked." Casey spat, shifting her head off of Alex's shoulder, and Alex missed the feeling the second she left. Casey seemed anguished rather than angry, a sense of strange urgency in her tone as she spoke, and Alex knew she wouldn't be able to cut her off again.

"I'm- ... a failure in every regard." She bit, jabs only at herself, and Alex felt the tears bubble behind her eyes again. She didn't realize she had stopped crying until the burn and sting of liquid falling from her face was once again registered.

"I know that ... all I am is disgrace to the practice of law- if not, if not- ... I'll never be able to step foot in a courtroom again, thinking- deluding- that I could, that I can- I can't protect anyone. And I wasted my life being naive and reckless, thinking I could- I don't know. Thinking I could ever make a difference."

Alex swallowed and shook her head, feeling her eyebrows furrow as she turned to face Casey despairingly, imploringly, as though begging her to see reason.

"So you're going to waste your life by- by rooftops and heroin?" She swallowed again, feeling her mouth dry, because she couldn't bolster the energy to form a rebuttal for every self-deprecation Casey had just uttered, and it seemed like the faux blonde wouldn't be at all perceptive to that, anyway. Not with this dead, void-like tone she was using, as though the energy of life had since already been poured out.

"Diladuid." Casey corrected, a mirthless chuckle, her eyes flickering back to the sleeve Alex had rolled up, the red and purple devastations left by her bender, and she grimaced before reaching to tug the fabric back down.

"and- it looks that way, doesn't it?"

Casey opened her mouth to continue Alex couldn't stop herself from yanking Casey's head into her collar, gripping the sides of her face so tightly she was sure it must hurt, and Casey fell awkwardly forward into her.

"Stop," She choked, "Stop."

She couldn't stop her brain from generating unhelpful images of Casey falling, faux CCTV footage of her woman plummetting the way Alex had seen in videos of other jumpers she'd had to review to rule out homicide. Her brain kept freezing right before the impact, then starting from the top again, Casey'd body stuck in a loop of falling as Alex's anxiety mounted.

But Casey didn't stop, though. "I knew from the start- that job could only, could only ever break me," she muttered, rambling as though she could halt the words tumbling hazardous from her mouth, even as Alex's hand grappled to force her jaw shut, "I told Branch- I told him, the second after that little girl in the ice chest, I knew- I knew I wasn't, I would- I'd fuck it all up and I did, and I don't deserve to live after my stupidity-"

"No," Alex said forcefully, a heaved sob, and Casey finally shut her mouth. Alex had never had to raise her tone at her before, Casey had always been eager to please by hushing on request.

"I, I don't-" Alex tried desperately to spit words she couldn't find, nothing formulating inside of her head other that same frantic energy consuming her body, struggling to crush Casey's frame against her own as if merging their skin would ensure Casey would stay. "I can't-"

She couldn't have a panic attack, not right now, but she couldn't breathe properly, mind consumed with images of Casey's face photoshopped on the body of jumpers she'd dealt with before. She had known victims that had commit suicide, occasionally a perpetrator had commit in or out of lock up too. It was real and it had made her go crazy with grief then- her mind flashed back to a boy comatose in a hospital and a mother's spittle aimed at her as she screamed- what the hell was she supposed to do now?

Casey with her skull cracked open, jade eyes unseeing, staring at her with only vacancy behind them. Casey's lips parted slightly, the side of her face ripped open from the impact on rough concrete, or maybe a car. Alex couldn't breathe, couldn't gasp no matter how hard she tried, and she wasn't sure if she was still crying, she wasn't sure about anything about herself anymore because the only thing she was focusing on was the feeling of Casey's body pressing into the side of her's.

After Casey's first attempt to hold her had been snubbed, she hadn't tried again to hold Alex, and now she was simply resting herself loosely as Alex tried her best to wrangle the younger woman into her, begging for the contact of fabric on fabric wherever possibly, resting her chin on Casey's hairline so she couldn't see her face.

"I'm sorry," Alex's body was wracked with tremors, "I'm so sorry, but please don't leave me. Don't do this to me, Casey, I need you."

Casey said nothing, and did nothing. The indication she was alive was the quickened rise and fall of her chest Alex could feel with her torso pressed against her own- in Alex's panicked wrestling, She had ended up barely sitting, Casey sprawled out across her body, Casey's hips between Alex's thighs.

"Don't ever try that again," Alex tried instead, "Never, ever. I'll- I'll," but she didn't know how to argue Casey into the will to live, couldn't threaten her into staying, but God she really wanted to try too.

But she must be hurting her, or at the very least suffocating her, so she released the clawed grip she had, and was mildly content when Casey only shifting her head to the side so she could breathe and otherwise kept herself flush against Alex's form.

Alex couldn't stop her chest from heaving, could only stop the shivers when she cupped Casey's jaw in her hands, thumb on her neck, and focused on the feeling of her pulse faintly thrumming underneath her skin.

"But you're still here," She murmured, wiping at her own face with more vigor than she initially intended too, bartering, "You're still here."

"When, when he got- he got called back in to work, and I- he told me, I could decide between the hospital or- or someone I trusted when he realized how- ... fucked I was. He knew better than to leave me alone."

"And you trust me," Alex advantaged herself with that, desperately clinging onto that like a lifeline, something to hold herself stable with, "You trust me. Trusted to come here. Trust me to foster you back, Casey, this isn't you, this isn't how you are. This isn't who you are."

Casey did not respond.

Alex calmed down enough to realize the front of her shirt was soaked through- the younger woman was crying, had been crying.

"I'm sorry," Casey's voice said faintly into her body, "I ... I hate that I'm hurting you."

"Hurt me," Alex whispered, her voice raw and hoarse, and it sounded like a demand. She found Casey's hand and intertwined their fingers, "Anything, you can do anything with me, but please just stay."