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#All I do is eat sleep and suffer
oatbugs · 9 days
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today was ok good great bad 😭 rant in tags lets try to be normal abt this
#it's not tuscan leather, but they do smell like mint and cherries and a fireplace. they kissed me#all over my back, and my hand, and my shoulders. i only ever kissed them on the lips. i only ever kiss them#when i'm about to leave them at the station gates. some red-eyed bloodhound cancelled their own plans and i laughed with them like a friend#i asked if they want me to bring them a hot water bottle or painkillers or a pair of lungs for them to eat.#the person in front of me has 4 lungs and 2 hearts and a brown leather coat and those bright radiance-incarnate kind of eyes.#you know the kind i mean. their hands are diligent with the pen. they say that i'm an angel and i'm right and i decide#the truths-in-all-possible-worlds. they say they only perceive the parts of me that i'd like perceived. they say all the right things.#the dog doesn't mind at all. the next station is edgeware road again. the dog says don't come over baby. its all slurred and deep and#shallow. returns a falsum. i really like you, baby. let's just be nothing, baby. i can't comprehend that anyone was raised unhappy.#she has free gaza painted on the back of her designer jacket, and she says she can't believe people suffer. there's something wrong with me#baby, why else would i turn down two perfect girls? she broke my nose, baby. ye zendegie dige ashaghet misham azize delam.#she might be a rich bitch but i only lived in kensington, baby. sunshine says they can't have kids because they plan to be#an enemy of many states. i offered to meet them but i look up and i notice the blonde streaks in their hair moving in the light.#i tell sunshine i'll never sleep with them. they want me in such a kind way it almost hurts.#they say we have a lot to teach other. i put the dog down again. my friend is wrapped around me. my friend walks me to the station.#i kiss them goodbye at the gates.
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0-k-4 · 5 months
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crazy times. everyone is depressed. is it because of school, is it because of winter, is it because of Life. who knows. mystère et boule de gomme.
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faroes · 1 month
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i'm so tired
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kakusu-shipping · 2 months
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God I love Valentines (I've had a migraine for two days now)
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aromanticannibal · 4 months
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i didn't sleep since yesterday 2pm but at least i have a good meal
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floral-hex · 11 months
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Can’t tell if I’m so anxious because of drug withdrawal or it’s just because I have a bad brain 😓
#I took buspar for about 4 nights then had to stop because it put me on edge#first night without it and I’m hit with the same feelings again#just sad and hopeless and my nerves feel sick#I had thought there wasn’t supposed to be any real withdrawal from that stuff#so maybe this is just me being sad#quick rant: I feel so hopless and alone and scared#it’s 4:30am and I know there’s nothing I can do right now about it so I should just chill out#brains suck#just go to sleep!#I have my first therapy session tomorrow/today so we’ll see#and I’m realizing now I really need to bite the bullet and apply to some jobs#any jobs. even if I’m afraid my hearing will go out and I’ll fuck up working#I NEED to get out of this house more. I NEED money. I NEED some hope for a future.#I want moneyyyy so I can go out to eat and take my brothers to the movies and help my mother with bills#I can’t just stay awake all night suffering. I need to be productive.#ian I swear you will feel so much better with a purpose#even if that purpose is just to work a register for a few hours a day#it’ll be okay#we can do this. we’ll talk to the therapist tomorrow. we’ll call our doc and bitch about our meds. we’ll apply for jobs#we’ll shower and eat and go out in the sun and it’ll be okay#baby steps baby#get a job. get money. buy a burger. find someone to kiss once or twice.#I can do this#I feel everything falling apart and fading away and I have to fight that#I’m fighting it now just verbalizing this and it’s helping#it’ll be okay ian!#life can still be beautiful!#you’re afraid of losing everything well then fucking grab it hold it do what you can#I’m so fucking scared but I have to try#text
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pepprs · 1 year
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ok hi. not to be stupid about this publicly once again but it’s 5:34 am [update it is now 5:53 am] and i have gotten absolutely HORRIBLE sleep tonight. first bc i was so stressed that i couldn’t fall asleep until 1:30am. then because my sister is sleeping in our room again (long story) which is good for her bc she’s making progress w her ocd but it means that she comes in with h the flashlight on after 2am and has to check the room and she leaves the bedroom door wide open which distorts the white noise from the sojnd machine which is right in front of my bed. and she’s like laughing at stuff on her phone too so all the subtleties of sound and light disrupt me and wake me up and throw me off. and also it’s freakishly hot so i woke up a couple times bc of that. and now im awake at 5:30ish after barely sleeping for 4 hours bc im stressed bc it’s Passover and my moms bday and im leaving work early today and tomorrow for the “””””Seder””””” (which again literally is not a seder it’s just dinner w my grandpa) and barely have time to get anything done at work and haven’t done anything for my mom and have to clean the house for my grandpa to come over and we literally don’t even have a dinner table yet likr idkw aht the fuck we’re going to do.. and also im fucking STARVING. because guess what!!!! we have to stop eating bread!!!! and i usually have 4 slices with avocado / guac on them before i go to sleep but there were only 4 slices left in the whole house so i had 2 so my brother will get to have the other 2 during the day. and my stomach is howling rn. and we have other things to eat like fruit and stuff but nothing that’s not going to throw me off.. like im not about to eat an orange at 5:30am it’s going to set my throat on fire with the acid this early in the morning. and we don’t have any snack foods in this house or like anything that can be made without having to prepare it for a while bc of our diet (lol). and we don’t have any flatbread or tortillas or whatever yet. so im going fucking crazy and feeling resentful abt passover again and wondering what the hell im going to do going into work and not being able to eat bagels for breakfast after not being able to eat my bedtime snack and being this hungry and stressed and miserable for a week on top of everything else. lol
#purrs#food#religion tw#(sorry lol)#delete later#ive had a lot of conversations in the last few days (some of them w other jewe) and everyone’s assuring me it’s fine if i keep eating bread#if it’s for health reasons and im not going to experience kareth for that. esp bc i already do things on the kareth list and also gay sex is#on there too and there’s a lot of stuff on there abt ppl being impure for having their periods too so.. just my two sent’s but i think thats#all ​fucking insane and a clear sign that those rules were not made by god and that they were made by prejudiced human beings. bc i believe#in spinozas god i think. and spinozas god would not punish humans for being humans. and would not want humans to suffer and suppress#themselves out of worship. though im not saying that you shouldn’t suffer or suppress yourself or whatever or find meaning in that if you#want to like im thinking abt Yom Kippur and stuff. but idk. im so conflicted. i stirred up this whole big crisis for myself about being#jewish and it’s very embarrassing and i don’t want to die or doom my future children or go to hell or whatever but apparently that’s already#gonna happen to me for like.. not observing shabbat and almost certainly cutting fruit during Shabbat so. whatever. but continuing to eat#bread during Passover feels like a totally different thing to me. but also i know actual jewish ppl who do not observe passover and i don’t#judge them for that or think they’re doomed to kareth. so idk. it’s all so fucked up. i want to be full and i want to go back to sleep and i#want to stop worrying about religion and constantly being afraid im invoking cosmic consequences for living my life and wanting to make#choices that feel good for me. bc it s already so fucking hard to make choices when im worried abt my moms judgment and trying to not hurt#my family ang more than i already do by existing and feeling my way. bringing god into it too is a whole other level of distress and misery
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lavenderyulu · 2 years
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‘‘Fire? What fire?’‘
rich people can’t cook.
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peapod20001 · 8 months
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I wonder how many times I’ve googled whether I’m having a panic attack or an anxiety attack...
#vent#hohohahhaoho anyways#I am sooooo bad responding to things....#anyways I’m literally less than five seconds my heartbeat shot up to 144 bpm so. fun <3 my lucky number 44 wouldn’t have it any other way#anyways I need to cry but I can’t cry so you understand. I’m pacing my room and standing with locked knees#and trying not to fumble or bump into things while makin my sister a snack while smilin and being normal <3#do u understand. ough what is with TODAY whhhhh. is it the aderall?? did the adderall fuck me up today?? or ?? wha??#oghghgg why am I so sweaty JUST in my pits like that’s the WORST spot to be sweaty in#kitty is here <3 she can sense when I’m crazy 🤪🤪#I’m at 160 now <3 ogohohoo ahhhhh I can’t lay down right like that the one thing you shouldn’t do with a fast heart rate#hoho anyways the crippling fear of not being who I need to be for the people I need in order to be#sounds chaotic and strange cus of phrasing but. you understand#anyways my heart doesn’t even get like this when I’m like. performing a full page monologue in front of my peers#I can pretend to be a cat for a minute and a half and tell the dog to stay in their place and not get into mine#uhmmm yea idk I want people to feel comfortable being serious around me and prove I’m the friend to go to for things or be the one who under#understands. but I always feel like. a pariah. is that the word? idk. when I feel confronted with things all I can do is like. run away. cry#suffer alone cus it’s what I deserve. yeaaaa I’m going insane can you tell I think this is the first time since like. February where I feeL#SO bad ugh idk what. I did this to myself the fuck?? haha. hope it doesn’t stress me to hair loss and skin picking and disorderd eating and#bad (or should I say worse HA) sleep habits. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sorry my problems are minuscule to others and I haven’t had a day of#any real discrimination or struggle in my life#i have everything I need. all I have to worry about is doing class work and attending lectures and watching plays. I don’t have to get thing#a myself or worry about food or a place to live. wooofff uhmmm. I wish I had someone here to squeeze me until I don’t feel like crying any#more. oh I feel so bad what the hell. and my nail is breaking ahahaha imagine. a life where my biggest problem I have to face is#a nail breaking mhmhmhaha#haha when you hold in your tears so hard your nose drenches your chin. sorry that’s gross ahaha idk what I’m doing flooding your dash with.#whatever this is. I’ll try to stop now. sorry
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sick-as-a-dog · 8 months
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#guess whos sis might be pissed off at them despite me begging for help and explaining that im struggling and in pain#nobody gives a shit about me and my needs do they i never ficmong asked for his bullshit it wasnt supposed to he like this#stepsis promised she wouldnt flake but that stupid fuckong asshole hasnt responded to any messages im so done#she hasnt payed me for taking care of her cat AT ALL even tho ive been holding her for longer than was agreed on#it was supposed to be a simple job only take care of them until they were weaned and rehomed#she was supposed to get her cat aleady she keeps saying she has homes for them and changing her mind why the fuck is she doing this shit#plus the damn cat chewed my headphones in half so she owes me a new pair but i fuckong know she wont pay that back#tempted to rehome her cat since she ONLY asks for kitten pics and doesnt contact me for anything else not even to check in on her cat#im so fucking tired and done with everything especially since its gotten so much worse since the toe infection#i tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and failed#and now moving at all is pure suffering so i definitely cant keep up cleaning after her asshole cat who apparently likes to shit everywhere#im tempted to hunt that stupid bitch down and force her to clean up every mess her fuckong cat made im so fuckong done with everything#doenst help i barly have any ebergy eber since he doent wanna be maets anynore xant even eat or sleep mucj cnat even love rogjy#so tired so pain juat eanna die i cant keep this shit up nothing is worth living for anymore tbh and now my sis is gonna make me feel worse#im going to lose my own cats befause of that atupid shitstain of a stepsister and uer cat im going to fuinkig vomit and kill so dnoe
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todayisafridaynight · 2 years
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yakuza kiwami 3 when
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goldensunset · 2 years
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today was such a massive screwup i got thrown off so badly i can’t mentally process that it is a Tuesday and i have Work I Need To Do for the week
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rxkuyo · 2 years
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can y'all believe I haven't touched a videogame in over 2 weeks ? feels bad man :')
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pepprs · 1 year
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if i could just get like 3 more hours of sleep every night. maybe even 2. i would be so powerful
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And speaking of scurvy, I am eternally amused by the thing where some ancient form of healing that was born in a time where people didn't know exactly how the human body works, or what causes it to stop working sometimes, that still somehow worked. Like how so many old folk medicinal plants were listed as a cure for various ailments that - from a modern view - are clearly just symptoms of scurvy, and the plant itself is rich in vitamin C.
I recall reading some story, no recollection of the exact time or place, where the king of a large empire suffered from constant horrible headaches and was incapable of falling asleep unless drugged or blackout drunk. Sick of taking temporary fixes to dull the pain and having to be sedated every night, he called up some old sage healer who was said to know how to fix things nobody else could explain, and the healer heard his symptoms and went
"Hmm. You spend too much time being a king. Your skull is packed so full of kingly thoughts that they don't all fit in there and that's why your head is in pain. You need to spend time not being a king." And prescribed him to schedule three days every month where he must go to a peasant village where nobody knows he's the king, live with a family there under a fake name and identity, work in the rice fields with them, eating the same food and sleeping on the same mats. Absolutely nobody is allowed to address him as the king, speak to him of any royal or political matters, and he himself is not allowed to think any kingly thoughts or think of himself as the king.
And naturally, this worked. Taking a regular scheduled break from a highly stressful office desk job to completely decompress, paired with physical exercise in the form of hard but simple physical labour, plain and simple food and Just Not Thinking About Your Fucking Job All The Time does help chronic stress, which here was worded as "spending too much time being a king clogs your brain."
Sometimes you do have ghosts in your blood, though I'm not entirely sure whether you should do cocaine about it.
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