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fushitoru · 9 months ago

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sneak peek of bridgerton!nanami :3

tw: not edited, not all of this will make the final cut. posting this just for pooks who are curious as to what this series will look like (roughly)

The hooded figure walks through the streets of London, shaded by both the weathered buildings and the murk of night.The ancient stone edifices, worn by time and weather, cast long shadows beneath the pale gaze of the moon, which alone dared to illuminate the sky. Yet, with unwavering certainty, the figure moved. With a purpose.

To any onlooker, discerning the figure's build would have been an impossible task. Indeed, should any be so bold as to observe, they would perceive nothing more than the methodical rhythm of their footfalls. For this hooded figure was not merely hidden by the night; they were a master of stealth, a virtuoso of ambition.

They get closer and closer to the streets with lines and lines of presses and bookshops before finally stepping into one. The jingle of the bell rings as they open the door, cutting the silence like a knife to butter. The press boy looks up languidly from his desk, lazed back even if the hooded figure is tense, as if scared to get discovered.

The figure uses their hand to get the hood out of their eyes, to reveal their face and level the boy with a firm stare. You brush your hair back and rummage through your cloak to get the draft out of your pocket You toss it onto the desk, your voice adopting the clipped tone of a forced French accent, as you make an attempt at a scowl. “My lady has a fresh edition for you. See that it is prepared for dawn next week. We shall tolerate no delays, unlike the last time. Do I make myself plain?”

At once, the boy shot to his feet, stiffening at the sight of Lady Whistledown’s errand runner. The mere mention of that name had a way of stirring the press into action. Her words, the most profitable the press had ever published, had lifted the establishment—and the boy’s own family—from the very brink of ruin. Lady Whistledown’s business was the press’s lifeblood, and as such, the boy offered a tip of his hat. “Whatever Lady Whistledown requires.”

Satisfied, you lift your chin, already turning to retreat into the night. Three blocks south, one north, where the footman awaits. Slip in from the rear entrance, climb the stairs in silence—especially near Naoya’s floor—and at last, embrace the comfort of your bed.

For heaven forbid that anyone in the Zen’in household should ever learn of this affair.

…

Nanami Kento was a man of method, clean-cut and sharp as a newly whetted blade. There is a formula for everything, and Kento will have it figured out as the situation deems it.

Yet even the most precise systems were not without flaw, for he found himself silently cursing whatever God governed such things. The cruel design of his personal formula now demanded that he sit up well past midnight, slaving over endless documents concerning his estates, and some infernal matter involving the mines his dukedom held in the Americas. For if there was one thing Nanami Kento loathed above all else, it was working late into the night, long after a sensible bedtime.

It’s not the least of his problems, no. No, indeed, a greater torment awaited him in the drawing room over tea each morning—a daily trial set by his dear, relentless mother.

"My darling Kento, when shall I be graced with the pleasure of a daughter-in-law?"

The question, as constant as the ticking of a clock, prompted Kento to reach for a cloth, which he draped over his eyes in an attempt to stave off the inevitable headache that brewed with her words. Leaning back in his chair, he stretched his legs, his tired frame aching with fatigue, and ran a hand through his hair as a soft sigh escaped him.

The age-old question, indeed. Before, it was easier to not feel rushed in finding a wife, for his trio of friends were all bachelors. But as soon as his mother got wind that his infamous rake of a friend Gojo got married—to a now Lady Gojo—he could only count the days before his mother went to the extreme, perhaps even hiring a band of kidnappers to haul him to the nearest chapel for a hasty wedding.

Perhaps there was indeed something Kento hated more than working late. It was being rushed.

Not that Kento had any disdain for the institution of marriage itself. Far from it. It was a fine and noble thing, love and matrimony. He would never deny the pleasures and stability it offered. No, it was the manner in which he was expected to marry. His mind drifted to the endless parade of eligible ladies he had met at balls, soirees, and tea parties. They were all pleasant enough, some even kind, but none had ever managed to intrigue him, none had done anything to stand out. The same conversations, the same rehearsed smiles. Every introduction followed the same pattern: languages spoken, instruments played, the latest embroidery project or song learned.

He could already picture it—another ball, another young lady offering the same colection of accomplishments as the last. It was all so dreadfully repetitive. They rarely discussed ideas or had opinions of their own, and when they did, they were inevitably interrupted by their eager mothers, who hovered nearby, eyes gleaming at the thought of his title and fortune. The moment any conversation strayed beyond pleasantries, there was always a well-timed intrusion, as if the mothers feared their daughters might accidentally reveal too much of their true selves.

He wanted something more.

Marriage, in Kento's eyes, ought to be built on love, on mutual understanding and respect. He longed for a partner who would challenge him intellectually, who would bring something new to his life. But instead, he was presented with the same tired formula—a woman who played the pianoforte, spoke French, and blushed prettily when asked about her embroidery. It was all so... predictable.

Another sigh escaped him, this one deeper, more resigned. He shifted in his chair, folding the cloth over his eyes, and let his mind drift toward the inevitable dinner tomorrow, where his mother would no doubt regale him with yet another list of eligible young ladies.

"My dearest Kento," she would say, her voice sweet as ever, "Lady Brentwood’s daughter is a delightful young woman. A touch excitable, perhaps, but from a good family, and her dowry—oh, her dowry, my dear, would be the envy of the ton."

Nanami could almost hear the words already. He had heard similar speeches before, all delivered with that same fervent enthusiasm, as though his mother were speaking of a prized mare, rather than a potential life partner.

What was worse, as soon as the mothers caught wind of his presence at any event, they nearly salivated at the chance to secure a duke for their daughters. The constant interruptions, the fawning over his title, it all grated on him. The daughters rarely had the opportunity to finish a thought before their mothers swooped in, ensuring that their prospects remained intact.

It was no wonder Kento had grown weary of the entire process.

He let out a low groan, rubbing his temples. Perhaps love was too much to ask for in his station. Yet, despite the pressure, he could not bring himself to compromise. He wanted a marriage that meant something—a bond of intellect and heart, not just convenience.

"Kento," he muttered to himself, "you are truly doomed."

sorry for starving you guys on bridgerton!gojo content haha this is a sneak peak for reparations. anyways lemme get back to the grind. if you ever want to track my progress, i keep my wips page updated :)

also thank you to the influx of bridgerton!gojo asks. they really motivate me to write. appreciate u all <3

oh and final note: will not publish this series until we're close to the end of bridgerton!gojo, i CANNOT do two series at a time

#aashi yaps #nanami x reader #bridgerton!nanami

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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15 Hardest PlayStation One Games of All-Time

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The PlayStation is fondly remembered for its classic collection of revolutionary games, advancements in 3D technology, and CD player functionality that let you easily play the Men in Black soundtrack whenever you wanted. As you’ve probably guessed from the title of this article, though, it’s also the home of some of the hardest games of the ’90s.

The PlayStation may have helped move us out of the arcade era and its notorious difficulty levels, but with the challenges of 3D game design came a new set of in-game challenges that tested a generation of gamers in ways that they simply were not prepared for.

Even after we’ve grown accustomed to the machinations and expectations of 3D game design all these years later, I suspect that many modern gamers would struggle to beat the 15 hardest PlayStation One games ever.

15. Crash Bandicoot

One of the funniest things about the release of 2017’s Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy was watching everyone suddenly remember that the Crash Bandicoot games were absurdly difficult.

Despite their linear design, the Crash Bandicoot games demanded a level of platforming perfection that proved to be elusive enough at a time when modern video game graphics, cameras, and controls made the remakes of the Crash Bandicoot games much more accessible but was nearly impossible to achieve in the early days of PlayStation gaming.

The later Crash Bandicoot games made things slightly easier, but the first title’s combination of intentionally challenging obstacles and a few questionable design decisions make it one of the most truly difficult games of its era.

14. Fear Effect

The original Fear Effect games are awkward to play today for a lot of reasons (casual racism and strange “softcore” cutscenes, for instance), but if you find yourself struggling to make it through these titles, it’s not just because they haven’t aged especially well. Fear Effect was an incredibly difficult game even for its time.

Essentially a blend of Resident Evil-like controls, point and click adventure puzzles, and awkward stealth sequences, Fear Effect is like a Hall of Fame for the most challenging and infuriating gameplay concepts of its era.

Fear Effect 2 might even be harder than the first game, but the nod here goes to the original for featuring one of the most uniquely difficult gaming experiences the PlayStation has to offer.

13. Driver

22 years after its release, I’m still convinced that Driver is a prank. How else can you explain developer Reflections Interactive’s decision to make this game’s tutorial mission one of the hardest levels in video game history?

Driver’s first level requires you to complete a series of complex maneuvers in a confined space while racing against a way too short time limit. To make matters worse, the game often fails to recognize when you’ve properly completed a maneuver, which means that you might not pass the test even if you’ve somehow mastered the game’s most complex movies the first time you’re ever asked to perform them.

If you’re one of the many who has never beaten Driver’s opening level, you may be shocked to find that there are difficulty spikes later in the game that are even more difficult than its notorious opener. At least this game is still better than the sequel.

12. Oddworld: Abe’s Odyssey

Oddworld’s unique puzzles and strange core mechanics would have made it challenging enough for players just trying to figure out what’s expected of them, but this game goes one step further by employing some of the most unforgiving level design tactics in PlayStation history.

Your margin for error in this game rarely rises above zero as gunfire and traps constantly threaten to end your fun. While that kind of unforgiving gameplay makes sense in something like a bullet hell title, it can be frustrating to work with in a puzzle game where your trial and error attempts are hindered by an additional series of wrong moves.

Oddworld: Abe’s Odyssey is clearly meant to be a difficult game, but knowing that doesn’t make it feel any less unforgiving.

11. Rayman

As strange as it may seem given the evolution of the franchise over the years, the original Rayman is by far one of the hardest games of the ‘90s and arguably one of the hardest platformer games ever made.

Unlike other platformers that challenge you with rewarding gameplay that requires precision movements, most of Rayman’s challenges can be best described as “bulls***.” The slippery slopes and spiked pits spread generously throughout levels might kill you, but the game’s bizarre enemy spawning system that makes it practically impossible to anticipate their placement certainly will.

If Rayman isn’t one of the hardest games ever made its certainty among the most frustrating.

10. Vagrant Story

For years, fans have called Vagrant Story one of the most underrated PlayStation games and one of the most overlooked RPGs ever made. It deserves both those titles, but I think Vagrant Story also deserves to be remembered as an absurdly difficult epic.

Initially, the challenge of Vagrant Story comes from learning its unique combat system that often leaves you feeling helpless. Even after you’ve made sense of the basics, Vagrant Story’s brutal bosses, clever traps, and even “basic” enemies will constantly make you wonder whether or not you can ever really master what this game throws at you.

Like Dark Souls, Vagrant Story’s difficulty is very much part of what makes the game work as well as it does. Appreciating that doesn’t make the game any easier, though.

9. Heart of Darkness

Never heard of Heart of Darkness? I’m not surprised. Even for its time, this was a relatively obscure title that is now fondly remembered for its visuals, excellent story, and interesting gameplay. Mostly, though, Heart of Darkness is remembered for its nearly unrivaled difficulty spikes.

In fact, Heart of Darkness could give Driver a run for its money in the battle between games with the most absurdly difficult opening levels. Enemies swarm you in this opening section like you’re playing a bullet hell shooter, but the game controls like a particularly clunky FMV puzzler. Even if you know what you’re doing, it’s incredibly difficult to respond to the on-screen action in time.

Things get slightly better from there, but I’d still say that most gamers will not have the patience for this game’s labyrinth levels, bewildering puzzles, and often painful controls.

8. Blasto

To be fair to Blasto, this PS1 action game was probably released a generation before technology could properly support it. In another timeline, it might have turned out to be as good as the first Ratchet and Clank game. To be even fairer to Blasto, it starred the late Phil Hartman who always went above and beyond for everything he did, including the voice work for this game.

With all of that out of the way, let’s focus on Blasto’s real reputation as one of the PS1’s most reliable sources of broken controllers. It’s bad enough that this game’s slow movements and dodgy camera make even basic sections challenging, but the fact that many levels have no barriers to speak of means you spend most of your time falling to your death while trying to complete even simple jumps.

This is a truly painful gaming experience that snared many unsuspecting gamers with its charm and front-loaded good ideas.

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7. Einhander

While not the most difficult 2D shoot ‘em up ever made, Einhander was high-profile enough to lure in many early PS1 adopters who were completely unprepared for its retro difficulty level.

Rather than throw as many enemies at you as possible and call it a day, Einhander increases the health pool of the average enemy while requiring you to navigate some truly devastating death zones. The impact of that design decision really comes thorugh in the game’s boss fights which task you with taking down massive foes who employ complex and shifting attack strategies.

This is a truly great game that stands the test of time, but don’t let its looks and sounds convince you that Einhander is anything less than a classic example of “NES hard.”

6. Irritating Stick

Yes, the game’s title gives its difficulty level away, but to truly appreciate how frustrating Irritating Stick is, you’ve got to play it for yourself.

Irritating Stick is like a blend of Super Monkey Ball and the board game Operation. It requires you to guide a small ball through a series of themed mazes that leave you almost no room to safely maneuver. To make matters worse, you have to race against a constantly ticking clock that’s absurd restrictions essentially require you to truly master this game within a few levels. Of course, true mastery may not be possible for most players as each level seems to add a new wrinkle that makes you wonder how you will ever get through in time.

Oh, and I have to give a special shout-out to the game’s announcer who screams “Watch out, you’re too close to the edge!” whenever you’re near the game’s barriers. Yes, I know I’m too close to the edge, now kindly leave me the **** alone.

5. Incredible Crisis

Remember that scene in Metal Gear Solid when you had to mash the Circle button to survive the torture device until it felt like your wrist was going to break? Well, imagine that scene stretched out across most of a full game. That’s Incredible Crisis.

Incredible Crisis is a collection of eclectic minigames that often require you to mash buttons as fast as humanly possible. Actually, I take that back. No human can be expected to survive this gauntlet of finger destroying terror. Oh, and if a minigame doesn’t require you to furiously mash buttons, that means it’s only going to destroy you in some other strange way.

The bizarre set of skills required to beat this game means that it may even frustrate gamers who otherwise seek such challenges.

4. Tomb Raider 3

Yes, the first two Tomb Raider games are difficult. However, part of their challenge (especially today) stems from their ambitious design which was often ahead of what you could reasonably expect from video game technology at the time.

Tomb Raider 3 is on a different (difficulty) level, though. Even if the game didn’t add a ridiculous number of spikes, boulders, pits, and traps waiting to end your run before you know they’re there, its bewildering level design that tried to recreate the experience of having no idea what you’re doing in the middle of a dark tomb has broken even diehard series fans.

Despite its better moments and incredible pedigree, it’s genuinely hard to recommend this game to anyone but masochists. I genuinely don’t know if it’s possible to beat this game without a strategy guide or walkthrough.

3. Nightmare Creatures

There’s a degree to which early PlayStation games were fundamentally unprepared to handle the challenges of 3D action/adventure game design. That means that any additional difficulties added to that underlying level of challenge make some games of that era nearly impossible to properly play today.

I guess that’s just my way of saying that Nightmare Creatures is indeed the nightmare it bills itself as. What would already be a challenging romp through a hellish world of monsters is made that much worse by the presence of an adrenaline system that effectively serves as a time limit and forces you to kill enemies as quickly as possible despite often being unprepared for them in every conceivable way.

Some games throw you into the water to teach you how to swim. Nightmare Creatures holds your head under the water as you lean because it fundamentally doesn’t want you to succeed.

2. Tenchu: Stealth Assassins

The “fall” of the stealth genre from mainstream gaming in recent years has long disappointed genre fans who rank such games among their favorites of all-time. Yet, it has to be acknowledged that even the best stealth games were often difficult in a way that could immediately dissuade even tested gamers.

While difficulty is a given in many stealth titles, Tenchu sometimes abuses the privilege by going out of your way to remind you that you are weak. Maybe it’s because many of us were just excited to play a game where we were a badass ninja assassin, but the way that Tenchu required you to play it safe and employ trial-and-error tactics to survive its various challenges left many burying their hands in their face as they tried to understand what they were doing wrong.

Even after you appreciated Tenchu for what it was and even discovered what the game expected of you, it always found a way to force you to make that little mistake that would instantly end a run.

1. King’s Field

Is it cliche to name a game from eventual Dark Souls developer FromSoftware as the hardest PS1 title ever? For the sake of argument, let’s say it is. That doesn’t change the fact that even Dark Souls veterans will find themselves surprised by how difficult this game truly is.

King’s Field was pretty revolutionary for its time, which means that many gamers simply didn’t know what they were supposed to be doing when they booted up this title. What the most patient PS1 gamers discovered, though, is that King’s Field is basically a rough draft of Dark Souls combined with an especially difficult dungeon crawler. Even if the game’s ambitious 3D visuals and the jank they produce didn’t create additional challenges, this title’s brutal combat, a parade of traps, confounding controls, deliberately slow pace, and complete lack of direction even made hardcore PC RPG fans wonder what this game was and why it hated them so much.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

King’s Field doesn’t hate you, but it’s a testament to what the game was going for that it’s both clearly an early look at the next 25 years of gaming and a title that will likely still challenge generations to come.

The post 15 Hardest PlayStation One Games of All-Time appeared first on Den of Geek.

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#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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ryes-up · 5 years ago

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Prince of the Fire Nation —> Banished Prince —> From Pain Comes Wisdom

Roane Hawk Rye Hawthorne || Firebender || Banished Prince of the Fire Nation || Half-brother of Firelord Oberon Aven

Born of an affair between a non-bender in a Fire Nation colony and Firelord Aven, Rye Hawthorne was raised as a prince alongside his brother, who was destined for the throne. Rye was raised asa a soldier, training and fighting from a young age. He was sent out with his troop for the first time just after his fifteenth birthday.

It was easy, at first. The villages they invaded, that they conquered—they were full of soldiers, fighters mostly of the Earth Kingdom. They attacked, they fought, so Rye fought too. After a little over a year of fighting though, Rye was sent on a mission to another village. This one didn’t have any earth benders, or benders of any kind. No fighters, no warriors. Only families, only children. Still his comrades fought without discretion, and Rye stood back to watch the carnage. Rye went to his brother, Firelord Oberon Aven, believing it had been a mistake, but it wasn’t. His brother turned cold, heartless and cruel int he face of being confronted with his own blood questioning his leadership.

Not knowing what else to do, only that he couldn’t fight and serve Firelord Oberon any longer, Rye challenged his brother to an Agni Kai.

Fire nation soldiers and civilians alike gathered at the stadium for the show. For what had once been an honorable duel, fought for centuries by strict tradition and never to the death, was now known to be a show of power and bloodlust. In centuries past, the duel lasted only until one combatant had burned the other—that was, until their grandfather had taken the title. Since then, allowing your opponent to live wasn’t seen as generous or kind. It was weak. So when, after trading flaming blows, the final blast caught Rye on his left side, burning him from the side of his ribcage down his arm to thee tips of his fingers, he expected to die there in the sand.

It didn’t feel like generosity or kindness when Firelord Oberon chose not to kill him. It was a humiliation, as he had intended it to be. Rye was banished from the fire nation, and later he would learn a generous bounty had been put on his head, should anyone of the fire nation ever set eyes on him again. It was tradition, that anyone who lost an Agni Kai would shave part of their head, leaving some part of it to symbolize the humility in their loss. Rye shaved all of his hair and left without looking back.

Rye spent the first two years or so of his banishment in fits of barely contained anger. His only goal was to train, to become strong enough that he could challenge his brother again and win. The carnage of mountainsides looked no different than how the villages looked when the fire nation soldiers had finished with them. It was all burnt trees, smoldering ash, and smoke filled air. But it wasn’t the same, because he killed no one. He wouldn’t be like his brother. Not anymore.

It was only when he returned one day to a village of nonbenders that he’d been staying in for a couple weeks—under the fake name of Roane Hawk, on the off chance that anyone in the small village would know the name of the Firelord’s half-brother— that he realized perhaps what he was doing wasn’t any better. He’d unintentionally burned farmland that the village relied on, and a woman at the tavern confided in him that she was worried the fire nation had burnt it down to send them a warning. He didn’t tell her that the fire nation didn’t send warnings. Neither did he confess to the transgression himself. He stayed and helped rebuild, plant and harvest anew, for the next year.

He struggled for some time with not only hiding his bending in public, but with not using it at all. He wore a cloak and gloves to hide his scars, on the off chance that someone of the fire nation should see them and recognize him as the banished prince with a price on his head. His hair had started to grow out again, but he kept it cut short, always nervous that he would be more recognizable with the long hair he used to have before he was banished.

Under the name Roane Hawk, he spent the next several years traveling, learning and training. He would often trade labor for the chance to train under non benders in different villages and towns, learning and studying their fighting styles. He learned from benders as well, though he couldn’t tell them as much. From earth benders, he learned that bending could be as defensive as it was offensive. They protected the earth as much as it protected them, and they could crush someone as easily as they could erect a shield to protect themselves or their families. Going far from the village when time would allow, Rye practiced his bending again, this time learning how to spin fire into shields, and how to deflect blasts without burning everything else around him.

From the water benders, he learned many things. Kindness was the first, when he was spared a near certain death in the frozen tundra in search of the Northern Water Tribe. After passing out, with a high level of certainty he wouldn’t wake again, Rye was in fact woken by a waterbender named Edmund, who had taken him to the Northern Water Tribe and saw to Rye’s healing himself. The second thing he learned from the waterbenders was control. It was something amazing to watch, how water was manipulated in such unique and complex ways. It required more precision and control than Rye had ever known, or needed to know, in bending fire. So when time allowed while working and training at the Northern Water Tribe, he traveled as far as was safe from the tribe and practiced a more precise control over his own bending. It wasn’t something he found easy to come by, but he would later learn from Maddox that it was more about the flow and control of his own energy than it was control over the physical element.

After learning that Kit had been sent away from the fire nation, Rye spent weeks searching everywhere he thought she may go before finding her—far more pregnant than he’d expected, and with a waterbender named Maddox. For the next thirteen years, Rye lived on Kit’s ship, traveling wherever she decided to take them, and helping to teach her daughter the art of firebending. Through learning about the flow of energy and control used in water bending from Maddox, Rye used that knowledge and understanding to teach himself to bend lightning. His brother was able to create and shoot lightning, a skill Rye had learned under him as well, but the level of risk when he hadn’t been able to truly control it, hadn’t been worth the power it held. At least not until Rye learned a better level of control from Maddox.

Now in Ba Sing Se, Rye is already planning on finding the next masters he can learn from. The place that keeps coming up? Kyoshi Island. Now he only needs to convince Kit that’s where they need to go.

#//WOW this got long #//I was excited I';m sorry #//I have a problem #tffevent #//Avatar AU #//tl;dr: Rye is Zuko + about 20 years of learning and wisdom

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questionsonislam · 5 years ago

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How can we strengthen our faith? Could you give information about the increase and decrease of faith, investigative faith and imitative faith and the importance of faith?

Faith is a light, a blessing from Allah. However, faith is knowledge at the same time, which must be necessarily learnt. There are two ways to strengthen our faith:

The first and the primary one is to learn the rules of the sunnah and to investigate it in accordance with the Quran and the sunnah, as required by our time.

The second one is to advance in spirituality through performing good deeds, purifying the heart and soul by avoiding sins.

However, the course of this century makes the second way really difficult to take. For this reason, it is very important to read books which teach investigative faith. It has also become essential to study science as a feature of our century, besides studying religious knowledge. This is because the light of the mind is science as the light of the heart is religious knowledge. We can state that one of the most important books which teach both of them together is Risali-i Nur Collection. In addition, one can benefit very well from books of significant people such as Imam Ghazali, Imam Rabbani, Imam Mawardi and Imam Qushairi.

Protecting and enhancing faith is a Muslim’s most important issue. It is necessary to attach importance to taqwa (God-Consciousness) in order to protect faith. Faith can only be protected within the castle of taqwa. Without taqwa, faith tends to deteriorate. It is necessary to read and make research on books about faith a lot in order to enhance faith. Issues about faith which result from knowledge do not have effect on one’s feelings unless it is filtered through reasoning. Firstly, mind must be satisfied.

Contemplation is very important. The fact that Prophet Abraham found his Lord by watching the moon and stars and contemplating is narrated in the Quran. Faith improves with thinking. For this reason, it is stated in hadith that “One hour of contemplation is superior to one year of nafilah (supererogatory) prayer.”

Environment has a great influence on human being. Sins suggest people infidelity. Suggestion has a great influence on human beings. It infuses infidelity into one’s sub-conscious though people are unaware of it. For this reason, one must keep away from from sinful places as much as possible. Sins committed outside carelessly suggest people that there are not hereafter and punishment. To be protected from the negative effects of such suggestions, one must keep away from sinful places as much as possible and try to suggest people goodness and prevent them from evil as much as s/he can. One needs to study issues about faith a lot and pay attention to delivered messages in order to compensate for the damages of the negative suggestions which s/he has been imposed to. It is necessary to meet often with people who care about good deeds and live in accordance with taqwa. In this sense, the importance of a community (jama’ah) becomes more obvious. Just like sins suggest infidelity, good deeds suggest faith.

What is the essence of faith?

Faith, in its essence, is the greatest and kindest blessing from Allah to human beings. Allah bestows it upon whomever He wishes. However, it cannot be said that human beings do not play a role in this bestowment. Contrarily, first of all, a human being must be willing to have faith and righteousness using his/her choice and free will. Allah will bestow faithfulness and righteousness upon him/her because of this will and demand. For this reason, Islamic scholars described faith as “It is the light that Allah places in His servants’ hearts after servants display a partial will and choice.

Are There Degrees and Development in Faith?

Faith develops like a seed develops and grows into a tree. Islamic scholars divided faith into two levels firstly:

1. Imitative faith, 2. Investigative faith…

Imitative Faith: having faith in the pillars of faith in the way one has seen from parents, hodjas and people around, without any reasoning about them. As imitative faith is a kind of faith that one believes without comprehending the pillars, consciousness and details of faith, one can be subject to some doubts and misgivings especially in our time and it may lead to the destruction of faith.

Investigative Faith: having faith in all issues about faith in a detailed way with proofs, and confirming them. Such a faith can prevent itself from being destructed by doubts and misgivings. Investigative faith has got many levels. Islamic scholars have classified those levels in three parts:

1. Certainty at the degree of knowledge: knowing issues about faith together with all of its details, with proofs and having faith in them.

2. Certainty at the degree of witnessing: knowing issues about faith and having faith in them as if you have seen them with your own eyes and witnessed their trueness. Believing with knowledge and witnessing are very different in terms of giving one a precise conviction. One can know something exactly without having any doubts, yet if s/he witnesses it, his/her conviction increases. Like the difference between knowing that America exists and seeing it… So, certainty at the degree of witnessing is the state of believing in the pillars of faith as if one has seen them with his/her own eyes.

3. Absolute certainty: Accepting and comprehending issues about faith by experiencing them in person, apart from witnessing. An example can be given in order to explain those three degrees of faith: A man who sees smoke coming from somewhere knows that there is a fire burning over there. Knowing that there is a fire by seeing smoke from a distance refers to “certainty at the degree of knowledge”. Then he goes to the place where the smoke comes from and sees the fire with his own eyes from a distance. It refers to “certainty at the degree of witnessing”. Then he goes close to the fire and feels its warmness, and it refers to “absolute certainty”.

Is Imitative Faith Enough in Our Day?

As we have mentioned above, imitative faith encounters many misgivings and doubts and eventually is subject to breaking down because of those doubts in our day. One scholar explains why imitative faith is not enough in our day though it was enough in the past as follows:

“People were in need of religion and power of spirituality in every period of time. However, this need has become an obligation in our day. Our ancestors used to live peacefully with quite a simple knowledge of religion and traditions, that is, with imitative faith; because, all social neighborhood around them suggested them religion and morals.

Today, everything has changed. Religious feelings have weakened and good manners of religious respect have been replaced by an insolent disrespectfulness. Families have gotten smaller and family relations have loosened. Financial burden of the family have been placed merely on spouses and parents have started to neglect to educate their children in terms of religion because of financial needs of the family. On the other hand, schools and universities have become places of anti-religionist propaganda. Today, a simple knowledge of religion has become inefficient in the atmosphere which has become hazier because of the invective words and resistance of obstinate deniers.

Questions such as “What is religion?”, “What is the relationship between religion and science?” and “What should religion do and what should be its place compared to science today?” preoccupy minds more than ever now. Especially educated young people need to know the answers to those questions.”

The knowledge of religion and faith to be given to people today must have an investigative content that combines science and religion and that convinces the mind and reason about the issues of faith. Otherwise, simple knowledge of religion and imitative faith in the form of traditions will be far away from satisfying the people especially the young people of today.

What is the Importance of Faith for Human Beings?

1. Faith is the reason why human beings were created. That is to say, they were created so that they would recognize the Creator through faith and worship Him. If one acts in accordance with this reason of creation, s/he will reach eternal bliss in the Hereafter and will enter Heaven. Otherwise, s/he will enter Hell and be subject to eternal misery and unhappiness.

In this sense, faith is a means of gaining eternal happiness and the key to Heaven for human beings. Without faith, there is no Heaven. For this reason, it is a more precious blessing than the world and than anything in the whole world for a human being to have faith and to keep this faith until his/her last breath without losing it or letting it weaken. Our Prophet said in one of his hadiths “renew your faith by saying ‘la ilaha illallah” because of the importance of faith and emphasized the importance of renewing and keeping faith. One can come up with a question like “Is there a possibility of faith to weaken or to get lost since it is suggested to renew it continuously?”

Badiuzzaman, explains the issue of renewing faith as an answer to the question above, as follows: “Since man himself and the world in which he lives are being continuously renewed, he needs constantly to renew belief. For in reality each individual human being consists of many individuals. He may be considered as a different individual to the number of the years of his life, or rather to the number of the days or even the hours of his life. For since a single individual is subject to time, he is like a model and each passing day clothes him in the form of another individual. Furthermore, just as there is within man this plurality and renewal so also is this world in which he lives in motion. It goes and replaced by another. It varies constantly. Every day opens the door of another world. As for belief, it is both the light of the life of each individual in that person, and it is the light of the world in which he lives. And as for ‘There is no god but God’, it is a key with which to turn on the light. Then the instinctual soul, desire, doubts and Satan exercise great influence over man. In order to damage his belief, they are much of the time able to benefit from his negligence, to trick him with their wiles, and thus to extinguish the light of belief with doubts and uncertainty. Also, man is prone to act and utter words which apparently oppose the Shari’a, and which in the view of some religious authorities are no less than unbelief. Therefore, there is need to renew belief all the time, every hour, every day.” (The Letters, 26th Letter)

Those statements emphasize the importance of renewing belief from three points of view:

The first point: one’s mood, ideas and understanding can often change depending on the period of time in which he lives, the place he is in and the neighborhood he is in contact with. Events he has been subject to, the things he has done and the people he has been in contact with impress him in a positive or negative way. Our Prophet states the following on the issue: “A true believer’s heart is subject to more changes than a boiling pot…” “The heart is like a sparrow. It can head towards anywhere at any time.” “The heart is like a bird’s wing thrown to the fields. The heart can change like wind turns this wing upside down.” It is ordered to renew faith by saying “la ilaha illallah (there is no god but God)” in the hadith because of the fact that human heart and mood are subject to external influence.

The second point: Human beings have got negative feelings such as instinctual soul, desires and doubts, and Satan constantly tries to deceive them and suggest them evil. It is possible that those negative suggestions will make people to have doubts about faith while they are careless. It is necessary to renew faith in order to avoid such a state.

The third point: One cannot totally keep away from some words and sayings which are against Shari’a and also considered to be disbelief by some Islamic scholars. For this reason, renewing faith by saying “la ilaha illallah” is essential. Another way of strengthening and keeping faith is to save it from imitative level by turning it into investigative faith. And it can be realized only by reading works about faith which teach the realities of faith in an investigative way and respond to all doubts and misgivings one can think of, and by making conversations on faith constantly. If a person upgrades his faith from imitative level to investigative level, there is no possibility for him to lose faith and to pass away to the Hereafter as an unbeliever. Islamic scholars stated that Satan will come and try to deceive people with all of his tricks and misgivings in order to take their faith away while they are about to die. For this reason, Islamic scholars stated that they were afraid of the moment of death. People can be protected from such suggestions at the moment of death with the help of investigative faith; because, in investigative faith, faith is not only in mind, but also in heart, soul, other senses and feelings. Even though Satan may damage the faith in one’s mind, he cannot manage to take the faith in other senses away. In this way, that person remains and dies as a believer.

2. Faith is also a great source of high spirits and endurance. A person who gains true faith can challenge the world and escape the suppression of the troubles he has encountered with the power of his faith. Our victories, which honor the history and inspire authors to write legends, are doubtlessly a good example to the power and might which faith earns a person. A faithful person can react to events and troubles he has been through with sturdiness, can be patient and put up with them, with the help of trust in God which faith earns a person. A faithful person does not become hopeless and pessimistic, does not choose to rebel and complain. It results from the power and might the faith has earned him. Faithless people can easily end their lives by committing suicide when they encounter an insignificant trouble as they become desperate and hopeless. While in Islamic countries committing suicide is so rare, it increases day by day in the world’s most civilized and wealthy countries, which confirms it. The Prophet points out to the power and endurance the faith earns a person in his hadiths: “A true believer resembles green plants. The continuous winds of trouble bend them, yet they cannot break them down. Contrarily, they enable them to pursue their lives and become healthier. However, hypocrites (and infidels) are like faded plants. Their leaves fall down and their body breaks down and they die with the winds of trouble.”

“How astonishing a true believer is! If he encounters goodness, he gives thanks; if he encounters evil, he endures. And this way he makes both of those states good for himself.”

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starringemiliaclarke · 6 years ago

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Press: Emilia Clarke: ‘I didn’t want people to think of me as sick'

THE GUARDIAN – As she stars in this year’s Christmas feelgood movie, Emilia Clarke talks about the intense scrutiny of Game of Thrones, how she coped with the brain haemorrhage that almost killed her – and why we all need to escape reality sometimes

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PHOTOSHOOTS & OUTTAKES > 2019 > 2019 The Guardian

MAGAZINES > 2019 > 2019 The Observer – Dec 1

Emilia Clarke had a headache. It was 2011, just before Valentine’s Day and just after she’d wrapped on the first series of Game of Thrones, playing Daenerys Targaryen, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons. She didn’t yet know, as she crawled into the locker room of her local gym in north London and vomited bile into the toilet, that Game of Thrones would run for seven further seasons, break Emmy-award records for most wins for a scripted television series and for a drama, be named one of the greatest TV shows of all time, and quickly come to define her. But there was much she didn’t know.

She didn’t know that at 24 she had suffered a life-threatening stroke, a subarachnoid haemorrhage (SAH) caused by bleeding into the space surrounding the brain. She didn’t know, as she lay on the floor repeating lines from Game of Thrones in order to test her memory, that a third of SAH patients die immediately, or that those who survive require urgent treatment to avoid a second, often fatal bleed. She didn’t know there was another swollen blood vessel in her brain, which had doubled in size by the time she finished filming season three. She didn’t know that one day, eight years later, over biscuits on her pink sofa, she would be smiling with the dark realisation that her stroke was one of the best things that could have happened to her.

Her pink sofa is in her pink house, which is also green and blue and muted shades of rust, and has a secret bar hidden in a courtyard shed, and an outdoor screening room heated by a wood-burning stove. To walk into her living room, where one corner is painted with a symbol relating to her mum, another to her late dad, and a third with a meaningful dragon, is to enter the cosiest corner of Clarke’s mind. By the stairs, horsehair is visible in the plaster; the walls are stripped back to the bone. She shows me round with a raw sort of glee, a sense that her comfort and safety are bound into the details: the friends’ art on the walls, the “single girl’s” bedroom. She moved in after Game of Thrones; in this and many ways, her life can be cleanly dissected into before and after.

Before, Clarke, now 33, who grew up in Oxfordshire, had appeared in a single episode of the daytime soap Doctors. She was ambitious, optimistic and relentlessly cheerful. After, after Game of Thrones, and the death of her father, which shook her family, as did her life-threatening stroke, she is sitting on her pink sofa and contemplating a decade that changed her.

“And yes, I’m at the point where I definitely think of the brain haemorrhage as a good thing,” she nods. She has extremely expressive eyebrows that appear jointed – for every word Clarke says, and she says many, they add 15 more. “Because I was never destined to be the ‘young actor goes off the rails’ type, up and down the gossip columns. And having a brain haemorrhage that coincided precisely with the beginning of my career and the beginning of a show that became something quite meaty, it gave me a perspective that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.” She pauses. “I’m quite a resilient human being, so a parent dying and brain haemorrhages coinciding with success and people following you in the street and getting stalkers – you’re just, like, ‘Well let’s try and make something sensible of it.’”

It was a decade that contained the very best and very worst of a life, and one of the sensible things she tried to make of it was the founding of a charity, SameYou, to provide treatment for people recovering from brain injuries and stroke. It was only in order to promote the charity that, eight years after her stroke, she finally decided to talk about it, in a piece for the New Yorker. “On the set, I didn’t miss a beat, but I struggled,” she wrote, of returning to Game of Thrones after brain surgery. “Season two would be my worst. I didn’t know what Daenerys was doing. If I am truly being honest, every minute of every day I thought I was going to die.”

It’s remarkable, considering her profile and her regular appearances in the Daily Mail in lovely dresses and grand smiles, that she managed to keep it secret for so long. She didn’t want to tell strangers, “Because it was mine.” She feared, too, that people would “sneer at it”.

It so happened that, the week before I went to meet her, I had a similar (though less dramatic) neurological diagnosis – when I tell her about it, for some reason my voice shakes. She is warm and quick with recommendations, and as she continues she says, “Well, you know, then. You know the worries. That people will think your soul, your movement, your voice, who you were,” was damaged. “It was nerve-racking to share it, to be honest. It always is, when you make yourself vulnerable.” She waited so long to talk about it, because, “I didn’t want people to think of me as… sick.”

There are still days on set when she will quietly pull aside the makeup person and say, “‘I think I’m having a brain haemorrhage. I’m not, I promise, but maybe just put me in a cold tent and we’ll sit down for a second, and I apologise in advance if I freak you out.’ Over the summer I was burning the candle at both ends, and I was with my mate on the plane. And I was like, ‘Dude, I feel really weird…’ But I was fine. It’s hard not to think the worst. It’s hard to think you’re overtired, or you’ve been on Instagram too long, and to realise these might have the same side-effects as something deadly. But the charity evolves with me. I use it. Here’s something else that I feel: maybe someone else feels the same way.”

She talks about the summer just gone with a regretful kind of wonder – it was th e summer after the Game of Thrones finale had divided fans, when she was coming to terms with how the “overwhelming” amount of nudity in the first season had affected her. And, after years of “filling every hiatus with a movie, shit, good or otherwise” (she starred opposite Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator Genisys, and as Qi’ra in Solo: a Star Wars Story) she had decided to take a break. Or, the decision was made for her.

“After we did the premiere for the last season, it felt suddenly like I lost all of the bones in my body. And I was in this puddle on the floor going, ‘Maybe this isn’t just the show.’ I’d never wanted to look around and see what we had, because I was convinced it was just going to blow up in our faces. And, well, at the end it kind of did. So I kept my head down. Then, after the premiere, I finally was able to stop, and that was difficult.” She travelled and went “raving with my mates, but that was not fulfilling. So, bloated and exhausted I went away for two weeks with my best girlfriend, [The Good Fight star] Rose Leslie, and it was in this retreat in India that I suddenly got it. This is what stopping feels like. And I was able to finally… be kind to myself.”

All this is recent. All this is really recent, with a new understanding of grief. Her beloved father, a theatre sound engineer, died of cancer in 2016. “The world felt like a scarier place once my dad wasn’t in it,” she said at the time. “There was the referendum, too,” she shudders. “It was the year of everything bad.”

But it was after her lost summer that, “I finally got this feeling. As if, on a cellular level, I’d grown up. And it’s so bittersweet, because I was clinging on to that childlike optimism. Then, when I finally let it go, I realised that was actually quite a heavy backpack to be wearing. I felt like that at the Emmys, too, finally popping my head up from the bunker. It’s as if you can see the actual landscape that you’ve been living in this entire time from another perspective.”

Occasionally she looks at me apologetically, her eyebrows like arrows, to check she’s not saying too much, and then she continues. “It can be perceived as such a feminine trait, can’t it – the responsibility to ‘put a smile on it’. And, and you feel like it’s a defeat if you give in and admit, ‘Maybe it’s not going to be OK in the end.’ But then, if you do, then you have an opportunity to go… ‘and what if that’s all right?’ Death is shit,” she says, dramatically. “It’s really hard and grief is horrific, and yet it is completely and utterly guaranteed. No matter how much Silicon Valley boys want to prove to everyone it’s not. But the finality of death, the absolute certainty of it, I’ve realised, is such a tonic.”

Along with a good stroke, I add the loss of a parent to her list of recommendations. “No! I’m not recommending it to anyone, obviously. But it is something real you can actually hold on to. We don’t look at grief properly. I’m not talking about the random moments of completely overwhelming emotion, I’m pretty in control of that… there was only one time on set where I just physically couldn’t stop crying. It’s the other stuff that we don’t discuss – the functional grief; when your worldview and your perspective on life and yourself changes irrevocably, forever.”

How is she dealing with that? “By realising that there is a framework that life lives within, and knowing when you reach the edges of it. There’s that. And I try to use the shit feelings as opposed to just ‘breathing through it’. It’s like putting my plastic in the recycling bin – it might not do anything, but I should at least try. And then being an actor and having a production company, knowing that the greater understanding I have about life, the greater storyteller I can be. As an actor, you’re always observing – no matter what trauma you’re going through, there’s a wee bit of your brain that’s like, ‘Isn’t this fascinating?’”

Every time I interview a famous person I leave feeling slightly high and slightly sad, because to enter their fabulous world also, inevitably, means you see the shadow of their cage. The imposed disconnect, for instance. And the constant smiling and the many locks. Clarke was catapulted to extreme fame during a period when she nearly lost her mind. She started to find gifts outside her door, from one of many stalkers. One, she says, is extremely unwell, another extremely mean. “The stalker stuff is just horrible because, as a single lady walking around town, I already feel like I’m being followed.”

These stalkers believe they’re having a relationship with her, “which is confusing, because having a relationship with people I don’t know is a big part of what I signed up for. I care about what art does to people. But it carries with it a responsibility, and when you leave your front door you take that with you. And it’s a difficult path to navigate. Because sometimes,” and she’s talking about fans now, the line between the two often being blurred, “you get grabbed physically and your instincts kick in. When you see shock being registered on someone else’s face, you’re like, ‘Where’s the danger?’ And then you realise, oh, it’s me – I’m the danger.”

Her fanbase is due to change shortly, as she maps out her career without dragons. Clarke’s new film is Last Christmas and is based on the Wham! song. While it is a box-office hit, reviews have been… mixed. “The kind of bad,” said Rolling Stone, “that falls somewhere between finding a lump of coal in your stocking and discovering one painfully lodged in your rectum.” It threatens to become a cult classic. Reader, I loved it.

Clarke plays a woman whose messy life, it becomes clear, is partly a result of recent illness. “I was able,” she says darkly, “to bring a lot to the role.” There is a romantic twist, a twist so gooey it may cause diabetes in vulnerable audiences, but there is a second twist, in that this film (co-written by Emma Thompson) could prove to be the most effective piece of anti-Brexit propaganda of the festive season. Clarke (with Thompson as her mother) plays the youngest of a family of first-generation immigrants, dealing with the fallout of the referendum.

“We filmed a scene of a hate crime,” Clarke says, a scene on a London bus where a couple are told to go back to where they came from. “And Emma said, ‘Come on, let’s be honest: haven’t we all witnessed something similar?’” She loved working on this film, in part because of the women in charge, “who recognised that we all had a life outside this movie. You don’t have to have a vagina to do that, but the difference lay in that slight… lack of patriarchy?” And in part because of the intersection between entertainment and what she describes as “meaning”. Something she continues to search for, albeit with regular disclaimers of privilege, and embarrassment.

“The world is scary at the moment, both politically and environmentally. You have politicians pushing people to the absolute limits of their left versus right parameters, and the middle ground that we were all living in before is now wasteland, because both sides are life or death. It feels so much more polarised and extreme than ever. You’ve got 33-year-olds like me asking, ‘Should I bring kids into this world? If I do, what will that kid feel like?’ It feels frightening, consistently. And I’m not alone. I’m leaning hard on Bake Off right now.”

But the fear has made her reassess her work, post-Game of Thrones. “Entertainment is about taking you outside of yourself for a second, which is largely what I think the success of Game of Thrones was. People wanted to see something familiar, but also have that level of separation, through dragons and magic. Escapism is what lots of people go to art for. So, if we can cherry-pick stories to tell people in a shitty time, I’d like to give them something really good. It could make them feel better, or less alone, or make them realise there’s something outside of their front door that they should care about.”

She takes a sharp breath. “You know, I spent a lot of time being like, ‘What I do is all bullshit. I’m completely selfish, a total narcissist.’ And then…” And then the world hit her at a great speed, and she emerged into this new adulthood, and 10 years crawled over her like glittering rats. “And then I realised what it was for. I help provide relief. And that’s worth something, especially now. Right?”

It takes a second before I realise she is waiting for an answer. “Right,” I say, reassuringly. “Right.”

Last Christmas is in cinemas nationwide now

Press: Emilia Clarke: ‘I didn’t want people to think of me as sick’ was originally published on Enchanting Emilia Clarke | Est 2012

#emilia clarke #game of thrones #game of thrones cast #GOT cast #daenerys targaryen #me before you #terminator

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brunk58-blog · 5 years ago

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Improve Job Search Results - Dealing With Job Search Pressure

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luckyspike · 6 years ago

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Eleventh Hour Admission - A Good Omens fanfiction

Hey guys remember when I talked about writing a hospital AU

i did it but no one is a doctor they’re all nurses

title refers to literally getting an admission during the eleventh hour of your shift, possibly a fate worse than death

CW: hospitals, medical procedures, automobile accidents, the joint commission

this will never be continued (probably) or posted to AO3, so enjoy it

Ari Fell liked it his job. That wasn’t sarcasm. He really, truly liked his job: he liked helping other people, he liked watching the sickest of the sick get well again and, when he couldn’t do that, he liked being there for them, trying to help them peacefully and painlessly move on. He liked meeting the families of his patients, he liked getting to know his patients when they could talk, and he liked that every day was a new day, something different and unknown and rife with opportunity to learn something new, or to help someone.

He liked his job, but he didn’t like 6am admissions.

Which, he had a feeling, was precisely why his ASCOM phone was going off at 5:55am. The caller ID informed him that it was Gabriel, the charge for tonight. He winced and the other nurse working the east pod with him tonight, Tracy, nodded sympathetically. He picked up the phone, and answered the call.

“Ari!” Yes. Yes, that was Gabriel. By the sound of it, he was in the cafeteria, likely having coffee with the other charges during their morning “bed meeting”. Ari had long since suspected that “bed meeting” was an excuse to get coffee and kvetch for the last hour of their shift, but he’d never really had the opportunity to find out, after he’d refused the offered charge position last year.

“Gabe.” He stared gloomily at the empty room before him. It had been empty all night, after he’d packed the last patient off to IMC to make room for a possible admit. He had known it was too good to be true, known with a sort of icy certainty that a quiet night would never last, and soon enough there would be some kind of admit rolling up. He’d hoped it wouldn’t be an hour before shift change but, well …

Maybe it would be an intubated pneumonia. Sedated, even. That would be nice.

“Got an ED trainwreck coming up. You heard them call that level 1 trauma, yeah?”

His heart dropped into his stomach, which dropped all the way to his Danskos. “Yes.”

“MVA, lady was flying and ran off the road into the orchard. Hit like three of the apple trees, Bee told me. Anyway, she’s a hot mess. I told them they could call report and bring her up any time.”

“I’ll need to stock the room -”

Gabriel ignored him. “I’d love to help get her settled but we’re gonna be in bed meeting until 6:30 and then I have to do the board for day shift, but I’m sure you and Tracy’ll have it in hand. Holler if you need anything!” The line went dead.

“What do you need?” Tracy asked, already half out of the pod, aimed toward the supply room. The supply room, Ari knew, where the housekeeper usually hung around this time of the morning, surreptitiously drinking instant-brew coffee behind the Pyxis.

Ari sighed. “A whole set-up. I don’t have report yet, but it’s a trauma. Probably need suction and the whole nine yards.” The ASCOM chirped again. “That’ll be report.”

“I’ll get some culture bottles and extra red tops as well.” He nodded to her as she vanished around the corner, and picked up the phone. “Ari Fell, ICU 4 East.”

“Ari!” He might have groaned. “It’s AJ!”

“Great. You’re calling report, I assume?”

“Well, yeah, but also I was just thinking I’m off for two days after this, and I don’t have any plans after my shift, was thinking about kegs and eggs at the place across the street. Care to join?”

“Somehow,” Ari said with rather more chill to his tone than usual, “I think I’ll be getting off my shift late.”

AJ laughed. “Oh, yeah. I’m bringing up the hot mess express.”

“Oh, boy.” He half-sighed, half-groaned. “I’m ready.”

“Right, patient’s still a Jane Doe but ID in her purse said Eve Smith, 22 years old, just waiting on family to confirm. Chaplain called her parents but no answer yet. Anyway, adult female, unrestrained driver in car-versus-tree MVA, GCS of 3 at the scene, flown here, went into SVT on the way but we’ve got her on amio now at 0.5mg/hr, pan-scan showed a left-sided pneumo -”

He rattled on, Ari jotting down notes as AJ moved through the systems. At least there was that: report from AJ was, usually, good, although he did like to linger on the gory details a little longer than necessary sometimes. If he was going to get a 6am admit, at least he’d have a good report to hand off to the next shift when he inevitably presented them with this hot disaster.

Tracy was back from the supply room, a suspicious damp spot on her scrub top. The navy blue shade hid the color of the spot, but if Ari had to guess, it would be the color of Svanka instant coffee. “Enough?” she asked, holding up two bags of supplies and a handful of lab tubes. He cupped a hand over the phone.

“Two straight poles and an IV pole,” he whispered. “And an EVD hookup for the monitor.”

“Gotcha.”

“Anyway,” AJ was saying, “she’s got a Foley, so you don’t have to worry about that, and, ah … Hm. Multiple lacerations and abrasions spread out all over, but no pressure wounds or anything otherwise. Right. Anything else you need?”

“Ah …” He looked at the report sheet, the notes about infusions and lines and testing left un-done, and shrugged. “You’re coming up with her, right?”

“Oh, yeah. It’ll be a miracle if she doesn’t crump on the way up. I’ll probably be bagging her when we get there.”

He grimaced. “Wonderful. I’ll have RT ready. Otherwise, uh … no, I think I should be alright. Whenever you’re ready, we’ve got the room stocked.”

“Okay.” A little distantly, as if he’d moved away from the receiver somewhat, he heard AJ call, “Hey, you ready Erica? Time to move!” And then, back into the phone. “See you in ten.”

Ari ended the call, placed a quick SOS to respiratory for a vent delivery, and tossed the ASCOM onto the desk. One last chance to check his other patient - a post-op heart cath they’d sent for access site observation overnight before planned discharge in the morning - and then he headed into the empty room, fussing around with the lines and waiting. The vent was there, already pre-programmed with the settings, blue screen glowing in the dark room as it waited. Tracy returned with the required equipment, and rolled a pole across the room, around the end of the bed, toward Ari.

“Disaster?”

“Complete train wreck.”

She patted his shoulder. “My two are primped and propped and ready for seven. I can help all you like, dear.” She was always nice like that, calling him ‘dear’. He supposed it made sense, given that Tracy was old enough to be his mother, but he had noticed she never used the term for anybody else. He’d never asked her about it, though, mostly because he was sort of afraid that if he pointed it out, she would stop.

“I think we just wait, now.”

“Fresh meat coming?” The gruff voice of the custodian drew their attention to the doorway. “I’m off duty at 6:30, so if you think I’ll be coming in here to clean up whatever mess you and those hideous interns make -”

“I’m sure your relief will have it well in-hand, Mr. S.” Tracy fluttered her eyelashes, and leaned across the bedside table, the front of her V-neck scrub top gaping open just enough to draw the housekeeper’s eyes. “You know, I was thinking of getting breakfast and coffee at The Pantry across the street after shift … been craving their waffles.” It was a statement, but it hung open like a question. Mr. S blushed a little.

“I … I’m a little hungry myself. Could go for a nice thick pat of scrapple.” He cleared his throat. At the far corner of the ICU, Ari heard the elevator - the direct-from-the-ED elevator - ding open, and the distant sound of alarms suffused through the early-morning bustle of the unit.

“Think they might have two seats at the breakfast bar?”

“Maybe.” He smiled a little, and then remembered himself and glowered. “If an educated woman’ll deign to eat with me, that is.”

“Mm, I think I might be able to bring myself to slum it this morning.” She waved a hand. “Here she comes, move over, there’s a love.”

And come she did, in a wail of alarms and machines and, Ari was both relieved and exasperated to see, AJ, who had, as long as Ari had known him, struggled with the concept of ‘reserved’. “Heyo, told you so!” AJ was, as promised, bagging the patient, his arm snaked between various lines and tubes, the critically-ill human attached to them almost so covered as to be invisible. “Ari.”

Ari looked at the lines, horrified, and then to AJ. “What happened?”

“Huh? Oh. She came back from radiology like this. Didn’t have time to untangle everything.”

“Nothing’s even labeled!” He waved his hands at the mess. “You’ve got fluids and pressors and is that blood? What’s going where?”

“Ah. All in the subclavian, I’d imagine.” The redhead added, with scathing sarcasm, “Pretty sure I didn’t hook anything up to the EVD. Got a slide board?”

Tracy had, and she and Ari tucked it under the unconscious young woman as AJ and Erica rolled her to the side. “Hang on, let me check her back while she’s there.” There were abrasions, and lacerations, too many to count or list as part of a specific area, and then, between her shoulder blades, was an apple blossom. He plucked it off. “Really, you couldn’t clean that off?”

“Had bigger fish to fry. You done?” AJ raised an eyebrow at him, visible of the rims of his dark-tinted glasses, and Ari nodded. AJ and Erica let the woman down. “On three -” She was light enough, and with four of them they had her slid into the ICU bed in one smooth motion, still piled with a tangled mess of lines and tubes.

“You really had to bring this mess up,” Ari griped, trying to decide where to start first. His eyes widened. “You left the EVD lying under her pillow!”

“It’s clamped!” AJ replied with an exasperated groan, gratefully flicking on the vent and plugging it into the ET tube.

Erica rolled her eyes. “You done here? I’ve got to get back to the department.”

“Be right behind you,” AJ said, waving the other nurse off. “I’m gonna help whiny here get organized.” He pulled the EVD from under the pillow, carefully threading the buritrol back through the other lines until the tubing lay neatly over the rest of the tangled mess. Carefully, he hung it on the straight pole, leveled it, and opened the clamp. Pink-tinged spinal fluid started to drip out. “Come on, hand me the cable, I’ll even hook it up for you.”

“How charitable,” Ari grumbled, tossing the cable behind the headboard and bouncing it off AJ’s shoulder. “Bastard.”

“Now, boys,” Tracy admonished from the foot of the bed, where she was busying herself with untangling the Foley and the SCDs*. “Let’s not argue.”

[* Are SCDs really that important in a fragile immediately post-trauma patient, you may ask. To which the answer is: only if the Joint Commission is there.]

“Oh, we’re just having a good time.” AJ was tracing the IV tubing containing the fluids down through the sheets. “Alright, so this is going to the peripheral, just untangle this -”

“You know,” Ari said, as he fiddled with the monitor and the arterial line, trying to check for level in spite of the level being, as always, conspicuously absent. “I’m sure you have patients back down in the department. You don’t have to help. I was just giving you a hard time.” He ended up seizing a length of blood pressure cuff tubing and eyeballing the line between the transducer and the phlebostatic axis.

“Well, what if I want to?” He snorted. “My only other patient down there is a kid with a head lac, and he’s on ice until the LET kicks in and we can do staples anyway. Which will be, fortunately, after shift change. He looks like a screamer.” He smirked at Ari, and passed the IV pump with all of the various central line tubing across the bed to him. “Never let it be said I’m not occasionally nice.”

“You’re not.”

“Hey.”

At the foot of the bed, Tracy shook her head, tapping in the vital signs as she did. “Did anyone page the fellow to let them know she’s arrived?”

“Not yet,” they replied, in unison. And then exchanged a look, very briefly, before Ari looked away to busy himself with setting the monitor alarm parameters and AJ became absorbed in scribbling labels for the IV tubing.

“I’ll do it, then.”

It was quiet for a minute while they worked, but after a time, Ari realized the white sheet atop the woman was clear, the lines were meticulously untangled and laid properly, with messily-written but legible labels. It would have done the Joint Commission proud.

“Think she still needed cultures,” AJ muttered, grabbing the bottles off of the counter. “Where do you keep the tourniquets up here?”

“Here.” He set to checking orders, with the black-clad invader from the ED pulled the first set of cultures on the first stick. Ari frowned, impressed. “Nice one.”

“Eh, you get good at ‘em when you have to get a line in anything.”

“Seriously,” Ari said, more quietly now, noting that for the most part, all of the ED orders had been cleaned up, taken care of, and signed off before the patient had arrived, “you can go. Really, I’m grateful, but I can handle it and you don’t have to -”

“I know. But this is really selfish for me.” He tore the tip of the index finger off the fresh pair of gloves he’d donned, the better to palpate a vein in the opposite arm, where the splint would allow. “Don’t wanna eat breakfast alone.”

Ari stared at him for a minute. Blinked. “Seriously?”

“Well, yeah,” AJ replied, tone flippant. “I think it counts as alcoholism if you drink alone too much. Have to keep up the facade of being a normal, healthy, functional adult.” He winked at Ari over the rim of his glasses. “You know how it goes, choir-boy.”

“I -” he glanced into the hallway, where Tracy and Mr. S were chatting. Mr. S had clocked out - was it past 6:30 already? And Tracy had her ASCOM in hand, although by the looks of it she hadn’t yet called. If she waited much longer, the fellow wouldn’t arrive with new orders until after shift change. He could have laughed. What an angel. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. You want to get a pitcher?”

Aj laughed, although he was watching intently as the second bottle filled. “You know, I have two days off coming up - what the hell? Let’s do it.”

#good omens #good omens fanfiction #good omens fanfic #human au #crowley #aziraphale #hospital au #i did it i did the thing #i wish i didn't enjoy fanfiction so much

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immediateedge4-blog · 5 years ago

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cero-blast · 6 years ago

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Your post about Gin "messing with people's heads" makes me think, doesn't this also apply to Ulquiorra? He also psychologically tortured Inoue, don't you think it's hypocritical to say Gin's actions don't nullify the bad things he did, but say that UH is good/not toxic? I'm not trying to hate on you, I don't ship anything in Bleach, I just wanted to know why Gin is considered a bad inexcusable guy but Ulquiorra's relationship with Inoue is glorified?

This will get… really long. I’m genuinely sorry it’s this long.

I never said Ulqiorra did nothing wrong (though it’s fair to say I didn’t happen to specifically point it out), or that UH is a ship with many positive feelings associated to it. That would be… an interesting take. I hope you don’t think I think that. But I also need you to understand that I don’t base my taste in ships on what I desire/consider healthy in real life. They exist in the context of the canon — not interchangeable with reality considering the existence of superpowers, ghosts, semi-human creatures and time warping — and that’s where it ends for me. Applying the dynamics in my ships to any situation other than the precise one of Bleach’s canon would make them fundamentally different.

I’ve wanted to mention this about Ulquiorra for a while now and I’ll take the occasion to do so. It’s a mistake to put him in the same framework as a human or shinigami. (The latter two also have their differences but based on observation shinigami seem to behave in a much more human-like manner compared to hollows/arrancars.) He’s practically incapable of understanding what empathy is or find any good reason not to hurt other people, which is why it’s surprising when he manages to grasp even a shred of the concept right before dying. Hollows are born from experiencing such severe pain that it distorts their whole ‘essence’, so something has gone terribly wrong with them emotionally by definition, whether they evolve to arrancar form or not. Ulquiorra’s aspect of death, his ‘theme’, is emptiness — characterized by complete neutrality towards everything. Since a person with a healthy mindset tends to focus on danger and negative events, neutrality often comes across as immoral for being equally conceding towards moral right and moral wrong. The point is, Ulquiorra’s motivations for provoking Inoue had nothing to do with him taking joy in causing pain to her. In fact, it’s hinted he’s not even fully aware he’s doing it, like the scene where he tells Inoue he’d laugh at her friends’ foolishness in her place. He’s unaffected by most things AND has difficulty placing himself in others’ perspective, which results in him assuming everyone around him would be unaffected. The only thing that factored into him doing just about anything was curiosity, the need to fill the void, however you want to put it. If a human or shinigami behaved the same way he did around Inoue, it would come across in a vastly different way and I’m not sure it would even interest me as a ship. Ulquiorra is not only a hollow, but a hollow with a particular impediment in understanding how others feel, and this is an integral part of him as a character, of his interactions, of UH, of anything regarding him. I know it’s funny as a fandom meme to act as if he were human, but he’s NOT and this needs to be kept in mind.

This applies to any arrancar or espada, really. It’s tempting to judge them on the same basis as enemies who are closer to humanity, mainly because of their appearance and intellect. But this is the trick itself the narrative plays, a progression that has been present in Bleach since the start: it created a human/monster (shinigami/hollow here) dichotomy, then spent the longest arc deconstructing it by blurring the lines between the two. It doesn’t matter how smart and eloquent the espada manage to get, the only productive way of interpreting them is as people who are missing a very core part of their personality, so someone severely psychologically ill. (I say this as someone who has their own problems, before it gets misinterpreted as condescension.) Should this absolve them from punishment? Bleach says a very clear no. They almost all get killed by shinigami, in Ulquiorra’s case Ichigo specifically — Ichigo, who, by his own admission, empathized with everyone he fought and even gets angry at Yammy for speaking ill of Ulquiorra after his death. (I don’t want to start arguing about how he was in hollow state when he defeated him. He would have killed Ulquiorra either way if he continued to stand in the way of protecting his friends.)

In summary, the espada aren’t human. Ulquiorra isn’t human. It’s unrealistic to expect him to behave like a human. You’re free to pick who you want to have compassion for among Bleach’s positive and negative characters and if you decide Ulquiorra is irredeemable in your opinion, that’s fine — many characters would agree. But at the very least it can be objectively said that Bleach spends a lot of time presenting ‘evil’ characters’ perspectives as nuanced and explicable instead of writing them off. It gives the audience a choice in the matter. A core message of the entire story is that we’re subjective and maybe we’ll never manage to see the world the same way as someone else, but that’s fine and it doesn’t make us all that different; hollows can become *almost* shinigami, shinigami can become *almost* hollows, and they both have ways to relate to one another while retaining the insurmountable differences and even fighting and killing each other.

Now, onto Gin. First off, you seem to be under the impression that I don’t like him as a character. That couldn’t be further from the truth; I only said it in the tags because I figured saying it in the post would have sounded like making excuses, which is not what the post was about. I don’t know if I would call him a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person. All I know is that I really enjoyed him as a character and I could see how he evoked sympathy — in the tragic way antagonists do when they get some sort of redemption. I noticed it’s a common tool in fiction to make an impact on the audience, I suppose because we’re happier when we see ‘bad people getting fixed’ rather than someone already good doing more good things. It’s a Prodigal Son type of thing; can be argued about but it definitely makes an impact.

Gin is a quintessential ‘mysterious type’; he has a long-running plan that he executes throughout almost his entire life without ever consulting with anyone (an important detail). He had a hypothesis on what would be the most effective way to kill Aizen and constructed a convoluted plan based on it — a plan where the ends would have justified the means in many, many situations, and that required causing problems to a lot of people. He had, however, no certainty that what he was doing would lead to the desired results (which it then didn’t…). A lot of his provocation was a means to create a certain image of himself and there’s a big question of where to draw the line there, whether all of that was absolutely necessary. Leaving to Hueco Mundo and technical demonstrations of loyalty were, sure, but mocking Rukia on her way to being executed? He considered keeping everything a secret a prerequisite for things to work out — presumably because if he talked to anyone, Aizen could have noticed — but was it, really? Many of his actions were based on his personal judgement on what would and wouldn’t have ruined the façade, subjective and hunch-based since he didn’t know the outcome for sure.

Gin isn’t inexcusable, but I noticed a lack of emphasis on the damage his actions caused among fans, both because of the chronological order of the story and his affiliation with the protagonists’ side. Because the last thing he did was a good thing, that’s what he’s remembered by, without taking into account the sum total of his interactions with others. He posited himself as vicious until the last moment and did so consciously. Ulquiorra had a very, very gradual progression in the way he talked to Inoue, which doesn’t make it less rude and traumatic, but there’s a difference between him showing up and telling her she ‘has no rights’ and later taking an active interest in her views on the Heart. It would be equally reductive to interpret him by his last moment and nothing else, but all he did before led to that moment progressively, while Gin’s was a very abrupt twist.

My post was a comment on psychology on the most basic, technical level, not a moral judgement. The two are separate in the way we process trauma and that’s exactly what I find interesting. Having strong negative emotions associated to a memory (what I think Kira, Hinamori, Hitsugaya or Rangiku could have had with Gin’s betrayal) creates a very subconscious reaction that can hardly be fixed by suddenly finding out it was necessary for a positive cause, which is why healing from trauma requires years of therapy. Because *in that moment* you didn’t have that knowledge, the pain remains in your memory and it’s not a matter of logical reasoning. Now, I’m not saying Ulquiorra’s interactions with Inoue were numerous or productive enough to properly process the trauma he caused her — the canon info is ambivalent on how comfortable Inoue was around him towards the end of her captivity because there’s both scenes like the famous slapping one *and* her seeming more light-hearted towards Ulquiorra in Unmasked, plus no one has any idea of which came before which. All things considered, I think repeated discussion and an attempt at mutual understanding does a better job at elaborating something traumatic than one single piece of information on why what traumatized you was justified. And note that the *only reason* the understanding between Ulquiorra and Inoue could have been mutual is because Inoue was exceptionally patient, empathetic and willing to face discomfort, way beyond the base level or what should be expected from anyone. Even if it was a *small amount* of *not very productive* discussion, it’s better than one act in my opinion (which most of the people who had some sort of issue with Gin didn’t even directly witness). Which of them is *morally worse* depends on how you draw the lines and define morality and that’s not something I feel qualified to decide.

So, in the end;Ulquiorra:-working towards enemy goals overtly-motivated by curiosity, which can be considered self-oriented-gradual improvement-not fully conscious of the emotional impact of his actions-Inoue considers him an ambivalent presence but “Isn’t afraid”, in her words-half-succeeded, as in: failed the goal of killing Ichigo but sated his curiosity

Gin:-working towards enemy goals on the surface and soul society goals covertly-motivated by attachment to Rangiku and/or revenge, less self-oriented but still focused on close acquaintances -long-running façade of being a terrible person followed by a sudden twist towards the good side-completely aware of everything he’s doing, plan laid out hundreds of years in advance-Gotei 13 don’t interact with Gin throughout HM arc, consider the traitors a lost cause-failed to kill Aizen

Instead of this encyclopedia I could have just written “Gin isn’t irredeemable, I just said he did bad things before”, but I thought too much about it. And I might go through spelling mistakes once I wake up.

#anon #ask #long post

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robert-c · 6 years ago

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What Should Be Illegal?

For most of human history there have been two sources for what was defined as illegal or prohibited behavior – religion and political power; and often the combination of the two. Whoever is in control obviously wants to stay in control so anything that threatens their power is going to be illegal. Religions can come up with a wide array of things to prohibit; some just to be different and distinctive, some to prove their power (there’s little proof of power in telling people not to do something no one wants to do in the first place), and even some because it makes sense. But this last is never the reason given – because it must be about “because I say so” (where “I” is the priest or other spokesperson for “God”, “Creator”, or whatever).

With this sort of history it is easy to see how we can get misled into believing that there needs to be an “official” (or even “unofficial”) religion of a country. At the risk of offending, let’s just say that believing “God” (by whatever name) is the source of all moral conduct codes is a cop out, an excuse for not thinking these things out on our own. That’s not to say there is no such thing as a divine being, just that ascribing the source of moral conduct for a whole society to a being one must accept on faith is really just accepting the dictates of someone who has successfully convinced you that they are the spokesperson for this ethereal being. Tying right in with the desire for simple certainty, it is easy to buy into this idea. But it doesn’t do much to develop a society that preserves the right of each person to believe as their own conscience dictates.

It’s true that most previous societies have been organized around a common religious or cultural set of beliefs, and it is also true that model has produced most of the oppression and warfare in human history. Surely there is a better way for us to live together.

A society that seeks to make possible the widest range of personal freedom of belief must limit prohibited behavior to the minimum necessary for a society to function. While the concept seems simple, the application can get complicated as the personal beliefs of some inevitably cannot imagine a world in which “x” is not prohibited. Nevertheless, a decent foundation was laid with the ideas that depriving someone of life, liberty or property without the due process of law was wrong and should be illegal. The Founding Fathers of the United States may not have fully understood the ramifications of what they were setting up by forbidding the establishment of a ‘state religion’; but most great ideas end up being grander than their creators ever imagined.

This whole idea that if we believe something we must impose it on others, has a very long history, probably as long as humans even imagined that there was anything “divine” at all. Without getting too far into a history lesson, it wasn’t until Judaism (and later Christianity) came into contact with a wider world that it really became an issue. Most of the so-called pagan religions offered myths about the creation and nature of the world, and little in the way of commandments on moral behavior. The biggest requirement of most of these other religions was providing sacrifices and donations to the priests of the various deities. So when one people with different gods took over another people they insisted that their gods get the sacrifices and the offerings. Many might regard this as a simple racket to get a free ride in society, not perhaps dissimilar to various current day charlatans charging people for cliché advice under the guise of self-help or self-development. I would agree with that comparison. The Romans had the inkling of a very brilliant idea in creating their empire. Rather than replace the conquered population’s gods with their own, they just allowed them to continue with the idea that they were just other names for the same ones the Romans knew. Their “king of the gods” was Jupiter, but if you were Greek that was the same as Zeus and if Egyptian that was Ra, and so on.

Judaism and Christianity were different in that they had a moral code of conduct. So more than just the name of the god that you provided sacrifices to was at stake. Judaism’s prohibition of images of God ends up being an intolerance for images of the other gods. It breaks with the tradition of allowing others to have their own view of who or what “god” (or “God”) is. This is precisely the attitude that we must resist if we wish to live in a free society. Thomas Jefferson wrote in a letter, “…in every age the priest has been the enemy of liberty.” I believe this is precisely the point he was trying to make – that enforcement of a single religious world view inevitably must lead to a sort of tyranny over the very minds of people.

Despite these ideals and the mechanism to protect them through the separation of powers in the Constitution, things have never been quite that straight forward. If a majority of the voters imagine something should be illegal (even if just because of their religious beliefs) then it likely will become law. The only hope of striking it down was supposed to be an independent judiciary, but the undue influence of extreme partisan positions has undermined that.

Which leaves only an appeal to those voters who will still use their own minds, instead of the fear and hatred some leaders continually stir up. Imagining a world in which everyone is pretty much like us is not only easy, it’s comforting on many levels. We may never be challenged to question why we think or do things in a certain way. We can feel comfortable in the world, because it is all familiar and understood. But what if we weren’t the only kind of people, what if we weren’t the majority? Now there is a choice to make – some people will see that strict devotion to the principle of many different cultures and beliefs as the only way to safely ensure that we all remain free to believe and act as we wish, no matter which way the popularity of one belief or another goes.

Sadly, there are many others who take that scenario as the reason they should “call to arms” and suppress the other ideas. This is the key point, the desire to suppress the expression of any other view point or lifestyle. I often feel that these efforts stem from a realization that public exposure to these other people and ideas will reveal the unreasonableness of their prejudices. That is what happened for most people with the mixing of the races. And it is what should happen with other groups as well.

All too often the proponents of free speech and diversity give too much respect to these folks for “merely defending their ideals”. While free speech does mean they get to express their opinions, we should call them out for what they are – people less defending their own ideals than trying to end liberty for any who disagree with them. They aren’t patriots or defenders of “traditional American values” – they are petty little wannabe tyrants who will wave the flag at the same time they trample every principle it ever stood for. It ultimately ends up where every dictatorship does, where dissent or disagreement is called treason.

It does seem that our civics classes (and our progressives) ought to spend more time promoting the idea that our “right to swing our fists ends at the other person’s nose” as Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once said (btw he was a Republican!). For that matter, I am continually amazed that no one calls out the hypocrisy of those who call for smaller, limited government while at the same time thinking it should regulate private, personal behavior on the basis of their own personal view of morality.

The Founders of our republic were rightly suspicious of the sort of direct democracy where a majority vote of the people decided everything. It was more than just the impracticality of conducting timely polls in the 18th and early 19th century; they knew that demagogues would play to the fears of the mob and that could easily subvert the rights of the minority. Unfortunately technology and the mechanism of elections have essentially eliminated the safeguards they thought they built in by having our republic be a representative democracy – one where the majority elect representatives to handle the passing (and rejecting) of laws.

I think the only potential answer is a campaign to educate the voting public about the true nature of liberty, and the dangers (and hypocrisy) of attempting to regulate and protect a particular “culture” or set of religious beliefs. I think we need to stress the idea that even though I wouldn’t personally want to participate in or view some behaviors, the only reason to outlaw them is if it would limit my legitimate rights (as opposed to my imagined “right not to be offended”).

We have done too little to express this ideal and far too little to call out the cries for censorship and suppression of beliefs that contradict the so called “traditional” values of some of the most extreme elements of our society. In every age there are those who are more comfortable with the way things are, even if they have reservations about the rightness of them. I believe failure to call them out for this behavior is what Edmund Burke meant when he said “for evil to triumph all that is required is for good men to do nothing.”

There is another test for what should be illegal, and I think it is a relatively simple test, though not necessarily easy in practice because of people’s denial and devotion to their ideas. If the primary reason for making something illegal is a moral or ethical claim, then it should be suspect. In other words, don’t tell me that it is wrong because of your ethics or morals, tell me how it deprives someone else of their right to life, property, liberty or their own pursuit of happiness. And I don’t mean some “domino theory” of how it will undermine society. It may not be without its own gray areas, but if we exposed the religious underpinnings of the belief behind the moral code it might become more obvious that the proposed law has more to do with legislating someone’s religious beliefs than it does with protecting the liberty of others.

There is an illustrative historical example in the “blue laws” that used to exist in Texas and other southern states. Basically these laws sought to prohibit certain items from being sold on Sundays. It began as prohibiting the sale of “non-essential” items, but quickly became the farce it was always meant to be. Baby food could be sold, but not diapers. Hammers but not nails (or vice versa, I can’t remember). It was clear to all that the point of the law was to make everyone respect the idea that Sunday was “God’s day” and not just another shopping day. In order to mask the nature of what they were up to, the supporters of the blue laws said that they couldn’t sell the prohibited items on consecutive Saturday and Sundays, or Sundays and Mondays. This was supposed to make it seem less like a religious law. As people from the north moved to Texas a growing movement to repeal these laws started. The supporters tried to couch the law as protection for time off for workers, despite the fact that Federal laws already regulated pay and hours, and that the blue laws did nothing to protect workers from abusive hours in the rest of the week. In the last referendum before their abolishment, support of the blue laws was equated to support for local, family owned businesses, against national chain stores, as if the sales on one day of the week could bankrupt small locally owned businesses. But the most telling news came when the referendum abolishing the blue laws was passed. One of its most outspoken supporters got emotional and lost his phony mask of rationality. He said that they weren’t done yet, and that while they might not be able to force people to go to church, they would continue their efforts to make sure that there was little else they could do on Sunday. And so, what most of us already knew all along, was finally admitted. We don’t often get to see it so clearly, but look closely at the folks who “coincidentally” want to regulate something that just happens to mirror their religious beliefs.

I am also persuaded to be suspicious when there is gross inconsistency. On the one hand someone wants to object to regulations of businesses and their dealings with the consumer public, arguing for more limited government, but at the same time thinks the government ought to be regulating private choices because of some larger moral or alleged societal impact.

If we think about it in these terms a lot of the objections to laws and regulations are ridiculous and the regulations are necessary to protect us from the greed and short-sightedness of some people: e.g. regulations about product and workplace safety, regulations to preserve the opportunity for competition to exist in industries dominated by a few companies, and of course laws prohibiting using age, race, gender, religion, etc. as reasons to disqualify someone from employment instead of their actual capabilities. And other regulations are simply enforcing a personal belief; regulating personal medical choices (whether it’s to carry a fetus to term, or to die with dignity), who you can marry, and even personal appearance.

We simply MUST stop imagining that this country is, was or ought to be a single religious or cultural place if we are to continue to enjoy its true uniqueness in the world, as a place where people are free to believe as they will.

#freedom #rights #what is illegal

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ritasevans-blog · 5 years ago

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academicatheism · 6 years ago

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Arguments From Vagueness Against the So-Called God of Monotheism

Let’s start with well-known, often disputed verses:

For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. Deuteronomy 10:17

God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment. Psalms 82:1

There is none like you among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like yours.Psalms 86:8

And the king shall do as he wills. He shall exalt himself and magnify himself above every god, and shall speak astonishing things against the God of gods. He shall prosper till the indignation is accomplished; for what is decreed shall be done. Daniel 11:36

Recently, I brought up the fact that modern Christians are polytheists. On the one hand, they believe in the God of the Bible and on the other, the so-called god of philosophers or as they would put it, the god of monotheism. A commenter on my post over on Wordpress brought up the fact that the early Jews were polytheists. He provided a number of verses like the ones above. I responded to him and stated that Christians have a go-to copout. They’ll argue that this is a merely a recognition that people at the time worshipped other gods, gods that were mere idols. That, however, demonstrates that they are either ignorant of historical context or they know of the context and yet ignore it. We can discuss the polytheistic origins of Judaism further, but that’s not my purpose here.

My purpose here is to debase the notion of a god of (mono)theism, to disrupt that convenient narrative. A Christian on Facebook recently offered an ontological argument he confused with Godel’s Ontological Argument. That wasn’t the argument he offered. He offered another ontological argument in where ‘God’ could be replaced with ‘Allah’ or ‘Ahura Mazda’ and the result wouldn’t change. Two other people then responded and said that the refutation fails because the argument sets out to prove the god of monotheism.

The god of (mono)theism, as William Lane Craig posits, is timeless, personal, omniscient, and so on. I’ll set exegesis aside because there are ways to prove otherwise given passages in the Bible (e.g. why did god ask Adam questions in Genesis 3 if he’s omniscient?). What I want to offer instead is a new argument against the notion of a so-called god of (mono)theism. We know from mathematics that there are different infinities. Since infinity is already a large value, if we can even call it such, there’s no way for the human mind to apprehend one infinity or another, let alone distinguish them. So given that line of thinking, there’s an element of vagueness we can introduce to debase the notion of a god of (mono)theism.

Take, for instance, timelessness. A Christian will posit that their god has no beginning; he’s eternal and exists outside of time. All well and good. Let’s say there’s another being who had a beginning outside of the universe billions of years ago, e.g., Satan. What disqualifies this being from being timeless as well, especially given that we can’t ascertain the beginning of this being’s existence? In other words, if god is present at point 0 and then Satan at point 0.00000005, what difference is there? There are some beginnings that result in a virtual eternity and so, just like there are different infinities, there are different eternities, different versions of timelessness.

The same goes for omniscience. What if there’s a being that knows all things except one thing; let’s suppose this being doesn’t know how to play billiards. What is the difference between an omniscient being who knows all things and another being who knows all things save the required know-how to play billiards? Again, as there are different infinities, there are different levels of omniscience and we simply wouldn’t be able to distinguish between a being who knows everything and one who knows everything except for how to play billiards.

Omnipotence, omnipresence, the capacity to be personal, and so on, all fall victim to vagueness, and as such, the same defeater that exists for Godel’s Ontological Argument, namely that parallel arguments work just as well (see Oppy 1996), also exists for the notion of the so-called god of monotheism. There is no such entity. It is logically possible that, given vagueness, there are millions of beings that fit the description. However, one should not draw ontological conclusions on the basis of logical considerations. Just because there could be a million such beings doesn’t mean they actually exist; likewise, just because one such being is logically possible doesn’t mean it actually exists. The god that apologetic arguments allude to is a product of Christian obfuscation.

Given that Christians are overly fond of deductive arguments, I will do my best to formulate an Argument From Vagueness, which isn’t necessarily an argument on its own. Let’s consider Plantinga’s Victorious Ontological Argument:

A being has maximal excellence in a given possible world W if and only if it is omnipotent, omniscient and wholly good in W; and

A being has maximal greatness if it has maximal excellence in every possible world.

It is possible that there is a being that has maximal greatness.

Therefore, possibly, it is necessarily true that an omniscient, omnipotent, and perfectly good being exists.

Therefore, it is necessarily true that an omniscient, omnipotent and perfectly good being exists.

Now, consider a parallel Argument from Vagueness. D1 is crucial to the argument.

D1: A being with maximal excellence* has omnipotence* (which is to be so close to all-powerful that its lone incapacity is negligible; it once failed to push a universe to the left), omniscience* (which is to be virtually all-knowing; it doesn’t know how to play billiards), and perfectly good* (which is to be virtually morally perfect, but it once told a white lie). Maximal greatness* is to have maximal excellence* across all possible worlds.

A being has maximal excellence* in a given possible world W iff it is omnipotent*, omniscient*, and wholly good* in W.

A being has maximal greatness* if it has maximal excellence* in every possible world.

It is possible that there is a being that has maximal greatness*.

Therefore, possibly, it is necessarily true that an omniscient*, omnipotent*, and perfectly good* being exists.

Therefore, it is necessarily true that an omniscient*, omnipotent* and perfectly good* being exists.

Once this counter-argument is offered, what a Christian has left is the bare assertion that a being with maximal excellence* isn’t truly god because it has negligible limitations. The question remains: how do we know that the purported attributes of god are true? It is, as it will always be, a matter of faith. There is no way to ascertain that god is eternal, omnipotent, and omniscient. We can ask whether he is perfectly moral, but that’s a separate issue entirely. The thrust that Arguments From Vagueness drive is that there’s no justification for speaking of any infinity with such certainty. There may be an infinity so near to the one a theist reveres that the differences are negligible. That’s precisely what these arguments are designed for.

#philosophy #atheism #vagueness #ontological argument #apologetics #christianity #theism

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sscoachinglucknow-blog · 6 years ago

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How Much Toppers Study.

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massagelyfe-blog · 6 years ago

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How to Pick a Robotic Shiatsu Massage Chair As a Daily Massage Therapy Alternative

Massage treatment gives alleviation to individuals from varying backgrounds... the end of the week competitor, the home nursery worker, the over-focused on official, secretaries, servers, workers... for all intents and purposes anybody can feel a requirement for massage treatment.

Research studies led in the US, Europe, and Asia have archived that massage treatment has a great scope of physical, mental, and enthusiastic advantages including, however not constrained to lessening the impacts of pressure, loosening up tense muscles, expanding blood flow, diminishing incessant agony, reinforcing the safe framework, improving nerve working, profiting rest, and improving skin tone.

The issue with massage is basically getting them. At average massage treatment costs of $60 every hour one massage for each week winds up costing $3,120 every year... after a seemingly endless amount of time after year. For individuals with endless issues like back agony, joint torment, poor flow in the furthest points, and incessant pressure, one massage seven days is simply not adequate to deliver wanted restorative impacts... what's more, the $15,600 yearly sticker price of multi day out of every week massages it not feasible for the vast majority.

A practical answer for individuals who need or need normal massage treatment is the automated massage chair. They have the ability to bring the medical advantages of standard massage treatment legitimately into your home. Automated massage chair innovation has made some amazing progress over the most recent quite a while. While no automated massage chair coordinates the advantages got from a talented human massage advisor, numerous chairs accomplish stunning outcomes by electronically and precisely recreating the genuine hand developments of Swedish, profound tissue, and Shiatsu massage specialists. It's practically similar to having your own inhabitant individual massage specialist.

There are a wide range of mechanical gadgets that guarantee the title of massage chair. That implies purchasers should be mindful in light of the fact that it's essential to get a chair with the correct highlights. It's conceivable to get too few highlights, yet in addition such a large number of highlights.

There are several massage chair gadgets that you should avoid. At the most reduced finish of the range are the massage pads that slip over a current chair. Some essentially vibrate, others have what they call a "shiatsu" massage, and the two assortments may have heat. From a restorative perspective, these kinds of gadgets are useless. There is one minor special case. Some that can work off the cigarette lighter or embellishment outlet in a vehicle can give a few advantages to dissemination on long auto trips. One level over the slip over massage pads are vibrating chairs. Everything they do is vibrate. These are additionally not especially helpful from a remedial view.

The chairs that merit considering resemble super-chairs. There are a wide range of highlights accessible and the way to getting a decent chair is to get one with the highlights that you truly need. Concentrate on the chair's capacity to give a decent massage. Disregard the top of the line chairs with stereo speakers worked in. It's extravagant, yet not helpful and it adds to the expense of the chair. Likewise overlook the chairs with implicit warming. For the most part, the warmth from these chairs isn't adequate to truly get much restorative advantage. A superior methodology is to buy a different expert warming cushion utilized by massage advisors. They are accessible at any great online massage supply shopping webpage.

Mechanical massage chairs regularly highlight vibration, moving, working, and thumping for the back. Vibration is simple and is the least helpful. Manipulating mimics the thumbs of a massage specialist turning in roundabout movements on the two muscles that are on either side of the spine. Thumping resembles having somebody tenderly tapping on your back to dispense with both solidness and muscle exhaustion. Moving reproduces the hands of a Swedish massage advisor's hands proceeding onward your back. Pick a chair that has a control board that gives you a chance to control the speed as well as weight in these back massage systems. In the event that back torment is a test for you, at that point select a chair that has a back examining highlight. With this element, the chair will consequently look over and down your back toward the start of the massage cycle to decide the accurate state of your back. That enables the chair to give a back massage custom-made to the one of a kind state of your back. On the off chance that you don't have back issues, at that point you may wish to exclude this element on the grounds that the filtering highlight tends you move you up into a marginally more expensive rate section.

Numerous mechanical chairs guarantee to have a real existence like Shiatsu massage ability. It's truly false. On the off chance that you have ever had a massage from a well-prepared Shiatsu specialist you ought not have the desire that any chair can truly draw near to that. All things being equal, the Shiatsu-like highlights of good chairs can give brilliant incitement and vitality stream to the spine. There is no uncertainty that the chairs will ease pressure and advance better wellbeing. The Shiatsu-like automated developments are among the best highlights in many chairs.

Another element to search for in chairs with the back examining innovation is the capacity to do over the shoulder massage. That implies that the systems in the chair quite move over the highest point of the shoulders. It truly is incredible for disposing of that gazing at the work station throughout the day shoulder pressure.

Great massage chairs additionally give massage to the calves utilizing an airbag innovation. The air packs swell and empty in progression to mimic the hands of a massage specialist's hands moving along your legs with consistent movement toward the heart. This is fantastic for anybody with leg course issues. It without a doubt builds course in the legs. Be that as it may, there are two significant things to search for. To begin with, the quantity of autonomously blowing up air sacks has any kind of effect. More air packs will in general upgrade the recreation of a genuine advisor. Obviously, the cost increments with more airbags. Try not to consider a chair with few airbags. Shop around. Second, a few chairs have airbags on only one side of the leg. So the sensing that the leg is being pressed against a padded board on one side. Airbags ought to be on the two sides of the legs for greatest helpful advantage. The chair should give you a chance to modify the measure of weight connected by the airbags.

Air sacks can likewise be utilized for the feet, thighs, and butt. Similar contemplations apply to the feet with regards to the calves. Go for at least six airbags for the feet. The thighs and base will just have airbags connected to the back of the legs and base. There is no real way to apply it to the top piece of the thigh. Try not to ignore these highlights, especially on the off chance that you have leg flow issues.

Automated chairs regularly have a few diverse pre-modified massage cycles that you can choose from. There has been a fight in the business to guarantee the most unique programmed successions. In purpose of certainty, however, the quantity of pre-modified cycles isn't that significant. These pre-customized cycles are incredible for a general massage, however in the event that you have issue territories what you truly need is the capacity to make your own massage successions. For instance, you might need to concentrate on the lower back and the feet. Search for chairs that enable you to store at any rate 10 of your own arrangements. The more highlights that you can control like speed, weight, style of massage, and span and the more pieces of the body that you can autonomously target like the upper back, lower back, thighs, and feet, the more you will appreciate putting away your very own exclusively custom fitted massage arrangements. check over here Kahuna lm 7000

Consider a couple of the "pleasant to have" highlights. All great automated chairs have mechanized task of the leaning back component. Search for chairs that enable you to autonomously control the back and leg leaning back components.

These automated chairs normally weigh 250 - 300 pounds. So ensure the chair is on rollers so it very well may be moved around effectively. Some will even overlap down with the goal that they can be effectively rolled away and put away. Truly, these chairs are so agreeable, notwithstanding when they are not giving a massage, that it appears to be weird that anybody would really need to store it some place, however the rollers are entirely significant when it comes time to vacuum.

At long last, remember that on the off chance that you have a certified restorative requirement for normal massage you can most likely get your PCP to compose a medicine for a mechanical chair and it's truly conceivable your protection will get part or the majority of the expense of the chair.

Also, talking about expense, expect the retail cost of good automated massage chairs to be in the $3,000 to $6,000 retail value extend. To get the best costs look on the web. There you will locate similar chairs in the $1,300 to $2,000. Remember that transportation on these chairs to anyplace in the mainland USA is about $200, so focus on whether delivery is incorporated.

#Kahuna lm 7000 #Kahuna hani 2200 massage chair review #The miko shiatsu foot massager review #Are you allowed to use a massage chair while pregnant

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elvesofnoldor · 6 years ago

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im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered!

so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER? over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt, FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!!

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this.

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess.

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason.

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!! i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted, i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering

#yolanda talks #stories are much simpler. stories make sense and nothing complicates the narrative. but shits happen in life and things dont make sense #and you have to deal with it??? all the shit about yourself that makes sense? all that shit makes for shitty stories?#lmao............

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