#And saw that she has Systematically fucking destroyed my trust in other people

[aw-bean-s]

sometimes I just wish my friends liked me the way other people's seem to

[kur0mimi]

Drawn to the Blood

—A solemn mini oneshot of Setsuko regarding her life alone in Neo-Tokyo. Based off of excerpts from the song “Drawn to the Blood” by Sufjan Stevens

character(s) - Setsuko Ueda, mentions of Mr Nezu and original characters

genre(s) - lots of angst and drama

warning(s) - angst, abandonment, child abuse, depictions of mental health problems, and very slight dissociation (if you squint, you can see it), Setsuko just needs a hug

a/n - hey, Lucija again ^^ i’m going to continue to post some of my one shots that have been taking too much room in my files, so please enjoy this rather angsty little oneshot I wanted to include as a part of my actual AKIRA fanfic (ignoring the fact that i haven’t sat down to write more of it). this oneshot is based off of the song “Drawn to the Blood” by Sufjan Steven, i really recommend listening to it! as they describe a huge part of Setsuko’s character

I’m drawn to the blood

The flight of a one-winged dove

Find a fucking reference to guide your way back to God, the voice had echoed in her mind in a debilitating manner. The world Setsuko was estranged seemed to be a trap which functioned only to warp a stasis. Her chrysalis lost its fragility when she was at her biggest weakness, the nipping cold air clinging to her skin as she trembled underneath its frigid clutch.

She was once told that to gain entitlement to choice you had to be completely done with the world, sick of the corruption and biased opinions that lurked. But that sort of progression was attained only through nosedives, so how the hell was she supposed to fall out of the crippling suspension when the recollection of her own birth was eroded from everyone‘s subconscious?

She was never held enough as a kid, every form of articulated affection collapsed when she was sent off to that frozen wasteland. The waste of her dewired intuition pooled in her conscious, blocking every mode of entry into the light she wanted to reach.

The critical point of engaging with others had elapsed, and it was there Setsuko wrote in her notebook:

“Time seems so gentle when you’ve been living wrong.”

She wasn’t oblivious to her own thinning as a child, no longer deriving innocent pleasure counterproductively.

How? How did this happen?

How? How did this happen?

Setsuko liked mathematics. It was one of the only things she was good at (minus painting and physical activities). The flattening of x, symbolizing quantities collapsing into their accompanying variables.

There was no pattern between the polynomials. She squared every digit into oblivion and condemned to backtrack over nothing. But she still continued to recede, as if she was in a constant motion.

She was a stasis.

She was what she didn’t know.

She fell behind the world as if it went black.

She was the echoic sound of hope that made her parent’s cover their ears.

She was a kamikaze. Spiralling into a state of madness—she saw flames when she closed her eyes; the end of the world. But she was not afraid anymore, as she was already torn apart yet she couldn’t feel a thing.

The strength of his arm

My lover caught me off-guard

It was trivial to think Mr Nezu had ever thought about her because he saw everything. He saw the scars beneath her shame and the lies beneath her crystalline black eyes. He saw the internal screaming behind her passive remarks and the cries beneath her visage.

He could see the splattered blood on the pavement and on the palms of her hands. He witnessed all of it but didn’t bother to reach along the bays of the oceans to the depths of Setsuko’s fragile, kind soul.

He saw it all but he didn’t care. He simply lit a match and let it burn.

Help.

Help.

HELP.

How? Head of a rabbit

How? Head of a rabbit

It was mundane for Setsuko to enjoy the rotting metropolis with the mere existent of those whose desires were daunting to the point where it was considered a sickness.

It gnawed on the thawing flesh and punctured through bones, leaving a line of jokes to the rotten souls for the hedonistic morons.

Their severe idiocy were issues needing of curative systematics. The politicians and their figurative speeches needing a firm polish so that they could appeal to the younger generation.

It’s not like the dilated pupils of some of citizens could see where their world was going. Not even remorseful as they proceeded to make decision with the disgusting, selfish motives Setsuko grew to hate.

For my prayer has always been love,

What did I do to deserve this? 

“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”

Her sins didn’t destroy her. As her parchment skin wasn’t decaying anymore, no longer a masquerade for the sadness that lurked deep within Setsuko.

She didn’t have vile lies and a diabolical imagination. Her secrets were now devoured by vengeful ex-family members and the people she once trusted.

The syrupy, alluring taste of her blood was tasted swiftly by those materialistic aristocrats she was initially meant to emulate. She was no longer like them, she was her own person by then.

She sacrificed herself to those gnawing savages, markings of their canines scattered along her physique. She was always the prey. She wasn’t always the one hunting on behalf of someone else’s agenda.

With blood on my sleeve,

Delilah, avenge my grief

“ Setsuko? Setsuko, are you there? ”

Lost. Lost in the night. Lost in the world. The grief was gone, long gone. Flushed away by sour tears, smeared against shards of glass.

But there were some things that were meant to stay as Setsuko smiled at her friend with the hazel eyes, standing up from her spot on the ground.

“ I am. But that doesn’t matter now. Let’s go catch up with the others. ”

[bigskydreaming]

It really, really, really can not be stressed enough, what a disservice fandom has done to the complexity of Dick and Slade’s canon comic book relationship, by simply reducing it to your fairly standard hero/villain trope. As well as making it just a master/apprentice dynamic like in Teen Titans. Their comic book dynamic is just not remotely interchangeable with that one. At all.

Among other things in the comics, in all of their encounters, Slade’s very presence is a constant living, breathing reminder of three of the outright worst moments in Dick’s life, and a walking embodiment of some of his biggest issues, all rolled up in one package.

1) Slade’s entrance to Dick’s life is the accompaniment to one of the greatest betrayals Dick has ever experienced. In order to get revenge for the death of his son, Grant, that he wrongly blamed the Titans for, Slade enlisted Tara Markov as his accomplice BEFORE any of the Titans ever met her. When her ultimate allegiances were revealed in the Judas Contract, and she singlehandedly took down and captured practically every Titan except for Dick, who escaped Slade when the latter saved him for himself....Dick, along with the other Titans, had to reconcile the fact that this woman they’d called their teammate, their friend, that they’d shared so much with, told so much to...had never been one of them. 

Not really. She’d been plotting their betrayal and deaths from the literal first moment they ever met her. With Dick having to shoulder the additional burden that like...he was the team leader. He was the one who ultimately was responsible for approving her addition to the team, who made the decision, who vouched for her and said okay. I am giving you my trust, and by extension, telling everyone of my teammates who puts their trust in me to do right by them, that it is safe for them to trust you as well. Whether or not Dick needed to heft that much responsibility for Terra turning out to be a traitor is really not the point in this specific instance. All that matters is that he did.

Now, as an example....how many fics that touch on Slade and Dick’s relationship in comic book settings in any capacity....how many of them offhandedly reference the fact that Slade is unique among many villains or enemies of the Justice League, Titans and Batfamily, in that he knows Dick’s secret identity...and by extension, has long since figured out those of every other member of the Batfamily?

Now with that in mind.....how many of those fics ever do anything with the fact that....Slade only HAS this knowledge in the first place....because TERRA told him Dick’s secret identity way back when....after Dick trusted HER, his teammate and Slade’s secret plant from day one....with his identity and by extension, Bruce’s as well, and Jason’s, and every other member of their family who was later added in the future?

Like, it isn’t just something where Slade figured it out on his own, or Dick told him....this highly crucial, critical and rare information that Slade has when few others have it, even other heroes....Dick never voluntarily gave to him. Its stolen goods, effectively, with Slade only having gotten it by virtue of Dick’s mislaid trust in someone else entirely.

My point being.....we talk a lot in fandom about how Dick is so trusting, but the reality is....even while Dick does make a point to give people the benefit of the doubt and extend his trust at times to people with not so great reputations....this is a willful, deliberate choice on his part, a conscious effort, and not evidence of Dick having an easy time trusting people or being naive.

The reality is, Dick has massive trust issues, born in large part of the fact that his team once all almost died because he put his trust in the wrong person.....and SLADE IS QUITE LITERALLY THE FACE AT THE ROOT OF MOST OF DICK’S CANON TRUST ISSUES.

(It also needs to be acknowledged that this was while the team was very much the TEEN Titans, and Slade’s earliest appearances absolutely made not at all veiled inferences that Slade seduced Terra and used a sexual and/or romantic relationship to manipulate her and get her allegiance in the first place. When she was very much a teen herself. She was a victim as well, and Slade predatory in his interactions with her. It was statutory rape every bit as much as Liu with Dick. Like.....it is what it is guys, and you might not want to go with that take for him yourself, but no different from when people choose to focus on instances of Bruce’s abuse, you can’t get upset at people who DO want to acknowledge this aspect of things and be like....fuck any kind of Slade redemption or Slade positivity.)

2) Slade also happens to represent one of the single worst moments of Dick’s life, and what he’s often regarded as one of his greatest personal failures.....and that’s Joey’s death. Joey was possessed by the evil spirits left over from Raven’s home dimension after the team finally banished Trigon for good, with his own possession powers having made him particularly vulnerable to them possessing him en masse, and they over time took more and more control of him until he was effectively just a helpless passenger in his own body for a period of months, maybe even longer than a year. 

While these spirits went about using his body to infiltrate and then hijack control of The Wildebeest Society, a group made up of former Titans foes for the express purpose of defeating the Titans.....and then as leader of the Wildebeest Society....having them systematically hunt down every Titan to ever exist, past or present, murdering many of them and capturing most of their superpowered members for the intended use of their bodies as hosts for the spirits sharing Joey’s body.

Now, not only is this a pretty direct parallel to Dick’s own experience being a brainwashed mole of the Church of Blood for over a year, secretly working to undermine his own teammates without any conscious control or even awareness of his own actions there, and with none of his teammates any the wiser, just as Dick himself hadn’t suspected anything wrong with Joey leading up to this reveal....

But after the Wildebeest Society had successfully either captured or killed every other Titan, Dick infiltrated their headquarters in disguise, in an attempt to free his teammates....only to be be caught and imprisoned by ‘Joey.’ With the latter then revealing the truth of why he was acting like this....and then continuing to keep Dick as his prisoner, chained up right by his side and tortured and helpless for over a week, as he and his minions continued with the rest of their work in preparing the carefully drugged/comatose Titans to be the spirits’ new hosts.

Let me reiterate....for over a week, Dick was the prisoner of evil spirits parading around in the body of one of his closest friends - the literal first person Dick chose to place his trust in again after it was first broken by Terra’s betrayal in the first place - while these spirits, did all of this in front of him with Joey’s face and body....gloating, taunting him, trying in every way imaginable to break him and his spirit. The whole time callously speaking of their intentions for the rest of Dick’s closest friends and their bodies, as they went about the final steps of their plan to basically use Dick and his team as the very tools they used to destroy everything they’d ever worked to protect and save.

Dick was only able to stop this and wake up the rest of his team...with Slade’s help, when the latter came in search of Joey himself. And at the end of it all, Joey was able to retake control of himself long enough to beg his father to kill him, before the spirits were able to overpower him again and use him to fulfill the rest of their plans.

Right in front of Dick.

Dick of course had spent the entire time he was a prisoner, trying his best to get through to Joey, believing with all his heart that Joey was in there still and could be saved, and of course, blaming himself for not seeing that something was wrong with Joey and stopping all of this sooner.

And then and there, Dick saw Joey resurface just as Slade did.....but while Dick saw this as proof that Joey was still there, could still be saved, they shouldn’t give up on him....Slade believed that doing the right thing then and there meant honoring Joey’s wishes for one of the first times ever in his life....even though that ultimately meant....also running Joey through with his sword. Again.....with Dick right there, still powerless to do anything to get up and help Joey, stop Slade, or propose another plan of action. He watched one of his best and dearest friends killed by his own father, because...in Dick’s own eyes....he’d failed to come up with an alternative in all the time he was prisoner....and failed to stop things from getting to that point in all the time before that, while Joey was possessed.

My point being....in the comic books, whether Dick and Slade are currently on good terms, bad terms, or neutral terms....they always exist for each other as a constant reminder of the death of one of the most important people in their lives. With that death being something they each blame themselves for and consider one of their greatest failures...as well as that death also being something they each at times have blamed each other for, for failing to come up with a way to save Joey, or protect him before he got to that point.

3) And finally, the third item of importance that I’m gonna gloss over for now as its more directly relevant to a post I wanna make about this later.....Slade’s direct involvement in the destruction of Bludhaven literally can’t be stressed enough. Whether you deem it in character or think he was written largely out of character at the time, with a case to be made for either stance, I think, the point remains that if you’re referencing Bludhaven having been destroyed at all, to any degree....Slade is once again at the heart of that matter, integral to every step of how that ultimately played out....with his position as the Society’s point man on that operation and his own personal grudge with Dick over various things, as well as Dick’s training of his daughter Rose - at Slade’s own insistence, but in ways Slade wasn’t pleased with, since Dick helped cultivate Rose’s actual heroic inclinations and instincts, which Slade did NOT sign off on - like, these things were directly step by step the path towards the Society ultimately following through and dropping Chemo on Bludhaven. With like, that being something that Slade absolutely could have stopped, thanks to his position, and even promised Dick as part of the agreement they made, that he WOULD keep from happening....only to renege on his word there.

In conclusion, Dick and Slade’s relationship and dynamic is SO SO SO SO SO MUCH MORE complex and varied than its basically ever made out to be in fanfics, and stems in large part from this one specific little tidbit that hardly ever seems to make it into fics’ final cuts.....

Slade respects Dick. Even when he doesn’t like him.

And I know, I know that fics pay a lot of lip service to this idea, but for the most part, its not substantiated. Or its clarified as though Slade respects Dick’s potential, or what he could be with Slade’s help or instruction....but that’s literally not the point of their canon.

The point is despite Dick being decades younger, Slade respects Dick as an opponent. As someone who has beaten him, bested him, in various ways and at various points. As well as respecting Dick as being a person who Slade’s son respected, and trusted, and valued a great deal. With a lot of Slade’s own memories of his son transferred onto Dick at times as a proxy, with Dick essentially acting as a stand-in for the son that Slade regrets never taking the time to get to know better...and here’s Dick, who knew and understood Joey better than just about anyone, certainly better than Slade. Which I personally believe Slade resents and even hates Dick for, for being someone that Joey both trusted and loved when Slade knows that likely wasn’t true of Joey’s view of him.....but I believe its also why Slade has never been able to bring himself to actually try and kill Dick and be rid of his threat to his plans for good....because doing so would be like killing the last real link Slade sees to the son he himself killed by his own hand.

Dick Grayson, for Slade....also happens to be the man who had every reason to not want anything to do with anyone associated with Slade, after Terra broke his trust, because of Slade’s own machinations.....while at the same time...Dick Grayson and his willingness to still extend that trust to Slade’s own son not long after that....are the very reasons that Joey ever had the opportunity to be the hero that Joey had always wanted to be....and that people ultimately remembered him as. There’s a reason Slade wanted Dick to be the one to train his daughter, after all - with the reason he was pissed at Dick for it ultimately being that Dick ended up being better at it than Slade had hoped, and Rose ultimately siding with Dick instead of Slade herself.

And even more importantly, IMO, Slade - even at times when he resents Dick for it at the exact same time - respects Dick for the choices Dick makes. For the precise fact that they aren’t the choices that Slade himself would make, that they’re choices Slade often thinks he couldn’t make.

He doesn’t disdain Dick for his choices or priorities or look down on him for them. Dismiss him because of them. They’re the heart and soul of WHY Slade respects Dick....and the fact that even with those extremely different priorities that Slade often doesn’t agree with...Dick STILL manages to come out the winner in a lot of encounters.

So this Slade Wilson who grudgingly admits that Dick Grayson has potential, but that its stunted and wasted without his own training, and because of the ‘weak, ill-advised’ choices that Dick makes and the things Dick prioritizes.....

Like, that has as little to do with actual canon pre-Flashpoint Slade, as the actual canon pre-Flashpoint Dick has to do with the depiction of him in many of these fics. Where Dick feels hopelessly outmatched and inadequate next to Slade or when facing him, like, he desperately starts praying the second Slade enters the fight cuz that’s the only way he’ll survive....or else he feels naive and dumb, or thinks how foolish he must look to Slade, or how raw or untrained or novice.....not to mention the times he’s focused on viewing Slade as a reflection of Bruce in various ways, or his dynamic with Slade as having anything to do with his dynamic with Bruce.

Again...umm, what? No. That’s not how Dick has ever been shown viewing their relationship either. The times he’s in conflict with Slade, he’s not questioning himself or second-guessing his abilities or praying he survives - he’s usually just PISSED, because of whatever thing has brought him into conflict with Slade this time. And not in that fanfic way where he’s unreasonable or irrational because of his anger and it clouds his judgment...in the way where he uses his anger to hone and focus his skills and just keep him going no matter how many hits he takes. Slade is an opponent whose skills Dick absolutely knows better than anyone else, and by extension respects those skills absolutely - but he is at the same time an opponent Dick has faced many times before, AND WALKED AWAY FROM EVERY TIME. 

No, Dick doesn’t take his victory or even his survival against Slade for granted, but he’s not remotely fear-stricken or rendered inadequate by the possibility of failure....he knows that there are no guarantees of success, but by the same token, he’s equally aware that Slade’s reputation is no guarantee of his own failure....with his own track record with the man being proof of that.

And at the same time....when they’re not directly in conflict....Dick does not feel invalidated or naive or dumb when around Slade, because of their age difference. He isn’t suddenly rendered like he feels like he’s a little kid sitting with a grown up. He’s usually just tired. He has as little illusions about Slade as Slade has about him. Dick KNOWS better than ANYONE, just how much Slade doubts and second-guesses his OWN choices, regrets his OWN priorities and decisions at times. So by extension...Dick doesn’t take their encounters OR Slade’s opinion as reason to feel inadequate or second-guess himself? He knows damn well that Slade has a higher opinion of choices that Dick himself even regrets making, than Slade does some of his own decisions. 

There’s not this.....gap between them experience wise, not in the sense that Dick can remotely compare to Slade’s much vaster library of life experiences, but rather in the sense that like.....Dick doesn’t care, you know? That’s not the point. Dick’s never comparing himself or his decisions to Slade’s with a measuring stick any time they encounter each other, because each encounter they have is so vastly more weighted by what they both represent to each other, their shared tragedies and personal failures and regrets, and their mutual awareness of these things and what they embody for each other. Dick - just like Slade himself is - is usually too preoccupied being focused on every thing that being around the other brings up for him....to have any mental energy left over for all this other stuff.

Comic book Dick and Slade, for each other, just carry too much knowledge of the life experiences they both have in common, because of their past interactions and shared connections.

Anyway, I will do another post soon about the comic book Renegade arc in particular, because its SO much more interesting than just the ‘Dick was Slade’s student or apprentice’ facsimile that I think people assume it to be. Like, Dick didn’t go to him as a supplicant, and Slade didn’t for a second think he was actually turning traitor. Slade asked him to train Rose in exchange for Slade’s help with his own plans, in part because Slade RESPECTS Dick’s skills as a trainer of heroes, not seeks him as a student for himself....but ALSO as a kind of manipulation - personally, I think he was hoping to use Dick’s inevitable concern and compassion for Rose as a buffer to keep Dick from betraying Slade or tripping him up when he tried.....and of course Dick actually ended up getting ROSE to turn on Slade instead? 

But at the same time, its not one sided at all, because there was a particularly clever bit about how Dick faced off against Superman as Renegade, and tried to use his heartbeat to send Clark the message that he wasn’t actually betraying the heroes and not to listen to the words he was saying, but the fact that his heartbeat showed that he was lying....except Slade had ANTICIPATED this, and had rigged the glove of Dick’s Renegade costume ahead of time to be like, wirelessly linked to a remote he had as he watched Dick and Clark’s interactions through the video feed on Dick’s mask.....and Slade used this remote to send wireless signals through Dick’s glove that matched the sound of Dick’s heartbeat and in essence let Slade alter the rhythm of what Clark thought was Dick’s heartbeat....but was actually just Slade literally clicking buttons. 

So Dick was getting more and more confused about why even though he was saying all this stuff about being too jaded by the League’s failures and done with heroism, like, why was Clark actually BELIEVING him instead of realizing he was clearly lying from the sound of his heart....and Clark was actively getting more and more upset as he talked and actually trying to FIGHT him and Dick eventually had to flee with Clark actually like.....furious with him, and Dick had no idea why. With this, I think, being one of the things Dick actually full on HATES Slade for the most (and I think what directly motivated Dick getting Rose to turn on her father) - like, Clark has been Dick’s number one support and fan from day one, even when Bruce wasn’t at times. He’s the one person who has pretty much ALWAYS believed in Dick no matter what. 

And Slade managed to take that away. To get Clark to literally look at Dick as the enemy. To not believe him, believe in him. Like. That’s something I don’t think Dick has ever forgiven Slade for or ever will.

So yeah. There’s so much more to Dick and Slade’s dynamic than fics represent, and I wish people delved more into this other stuff, because its so much more INTERESTING in my opinion than just like, your usual ‘older supervillain toys with younger outmatched superhero’ or master and apprentice stuff, etc.

[agirlinhell]

just a casual reminder that:

THIS BLOG AND ITS MUSE CONTAIN PRETTY MUCH ALMOST EVERY MAJOR TRIGGER. THIS BLOG IN ITS ENTIRETY IS EXTREMELY TRIGGERING. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

If you proceed to read this blog’s content after the multiple content warnings that I present in the blog’s rules page, you are responsible for whatever happens. I informed you of what is present. Do not try to claim I did not give you an adequate warning.

I write a lot of “horrible” shit. I literally write a sweet and innocent girl turned assassin and killer in her own right in the apocalypse for a muse - there’s very little I have an issue with writing in detail. This blog is riddled with mature content. With that said, I won’t be roleplaying with anyone under the age of sixteen. This should be obvious but just because I write disturbing content DOES NOT MEAN I SUPPORT IT.

On the topic of Clementine, she is a very morally grey character - she is neither good nor evil. She will not always be kind and sweet to your muse. She won’t always do the morally “right” thing. She will not hesitate to resort to murder, manipulation, blackmail and torture if it means getting what she wants.

Please don’t have your muse presume to know what Clementine is thinking, unless if your muse is some kind of telepath. Just because you know what going on OOCly, it doesn’t mean your character knows. Characters who seem to know more than they would is irritating and really annoying. Clementine is very charismatic, persuasive and secretive and as such, it is difficult to know exactly what she’s planning or thinking.

My Clementine has been - and still is - very lonely, and did not have friends or family for most of her life, as everyone else had either betrayed her or died, and even with her friends and accomplices, most of her friendships were merely for survival purposes. It’s fairly easy to forget that the timeline of Episodes 3 through 5 of Season One lasts only about four days. In the space of less than a week, Clementine has lost everyone she’s ever loved. She finds her parents infected, Lee is either dead or infected, and every single other person Clementine has come to rely on and know in the past three months — everyone, from Duck to Lily to Kenny to Ben and everyone in between — has died systematically over the course of a few days. Omid and Christa are the only ones who survived, but she had only met them during that four day timespan. It gets even worse as the seasons progress and this is no understatement in the slightest.

Clementine is age eighteen-nineteen and over in her default verse, as it is set post-The Final Season. With that said, most asks will be answered when Clementine is an adult, unless if the ask specifies for a specific verse.

For the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT STEAL MY HEADCANONS FOR CLEMENTINE.

There are people I have a lot of threads with. It's inevitable that sometimes it'll appear as if I only reply to one person or the same 2-3 people simply because they're the only ones I have a lot of replies from. If you can't handle it looking like I've only responded to so called "faves" all day, when I owe you less than 5 things, don't follow me.

While Clementine in the majority of her verses is a human, there will be alternate universes where she is a vampire, werewolf, crossroad demon, shapeshifter/druid, deity, etc. and because of this, she will be very powerful and in some scenarios, even overpowered in the case of her deity verse. However, I do not powerplay/godmod/whatever else. It’s hard for some people to grasp, but for example, in my vampire or deity verses, Clementine does not give a shit about yours enough to waste her energy on them. For example: I have a verse where Clem is a goddess, and yes, she could know everything about your muse, but trust me -- she’s not going to act like it or even acknowledge what she could know. She doesn’t care to go through your muse's brain to figure out what they’re thinking. The only real metagaming you’ll see is deity!Clementine knowing your muse’s name when they haven’t given it out. I will IM the fuck out of you before I do some crazy shit with her anyway. I only ask you don’t act as if she is not a powerful goddess in said verse - because she is and she will destroy a muse that pisses her off.

Have a rules page and an about page for your character. I don’t care if your character is canon. I will not follow you if I can’t find an about section. Linking to the wikipedia/whatever page of your canon character does not count.

I don’t follow people who post ooc a lot. Blog updates, headcanons, activity notices, etc are not ooc per say but an excessive amount of them can be.

I have a really big issue with people who post super negative stuff all the time. I’d rather not have to deal with your problems on top of my own, thanks.

I absolutely will not follow you if I have to put in a ton of effort just to make it so I can actually read your information. I don't give a fuck about the "aesthetic" - just give me something to work with.

I do not follow every single blog one person has. It feels like you’re taking up a ton of my dash/followers, and it drives me insane.

I don’t follow people who are only here for shipping. If you're here just because you want to ship with Clementine, you came to the wrong place. My Clementine is not just a shipping facet.

If we do not interact within three months of becoming mutuals, unless if there’s a hiatus on your part, I will softblock/unfollow you. Interaction means a starter (or ask) and a reply. If I write you a starter and you never respond, it is not interacting.

The more we talk ooc, the easier it is for me to reply. It makes me more comfortable writing with you, and I often chat about our muses, making it a lot easier to come up with ideas and giving me a lot of muse and inspiration for our threads.

Memes can be awkward and harder for me to answer if we’ve never interacted before. I understand that a lot of people prefer memes as a means of getting things started, but I would really rather plot if you’re trying to get a thread of any substance going. I don’t mind starting with a meme, but I can almost guarantee you it’s not going to go very far if it’s our first thread.

Don’t pester me for replies. Feel free to remind me about a thread by liking my last reply to it or sending me an IM, but I will be really annoyed if you remind me more than once or twice within a month.

If I don’t like the post, I didn’t see it. Please tell me about it.

I’m a part time college student with shit mental health and confidence issues. I can be slow as hell some days and fast as fuck on others.

Once a thread is longer than two paragraphs (medium sized), it sometimes takes me 948728923660700 years to gain motivation for it. It will literally exhaust the hell out of me, but I am not against longer threads, in fact, I totally encourage them. It just takes me way longer to gather muse, time, and motivation to respond to them. If we have a longer thread together, I expect you to be patient as hell. Obviously, I will not mind waiting forever for your reply either.

I'm not going to bother with a million poorly slapped together ships for the sake of the muses involved "being cute" together. Most ships will need to be plotted, yes, even canon ships like Louis/Clementine and Violet/Clementine. My muse is not going to like yours without special circumstances and an extra push from me, especially since Clementine is demiromantic and demisexual.

I almost always answer asks in the form of a starter (questions are the common exception). Don't feel obligated to continue every ask I respond to.

Please, for the love of god, like a starter or ask response if I post it for you. I hate not knowing if you saw it or not. I will send it to you if you haven’t liked it within a few days of being active.

I have discord if for whatever reason mutuals want to speak to me outside of tumblr’s IM system - I also RP on discord - it's for mutuals only and you must let me know who you are beforehand.

[cajunroe]

bradray + college!au ↳ ray didn’t believe in love at first sight, but damn it if the world wasn’t testing him. in his four years at the university, he’s never seen anyone like the man that he saw walking across campus. tall, really fucking tall, blonde hair, built like a tank, and when they made eye contact he swore the man felt the same charge he did. and ray? ray was in love. in possible every sense of the word. the man looked at him again, but then he kept walking. ray wanted to chase after the guy, needed to chase after him, there was something that compelled him to go. this was the the nth time he’d seen this guy and everytime he’d just miss him. unfortunately, his class had run over and he was late for work at the local radio station. as he got comfortable in the booth, a thought came to him and he laughed into his intro. if he couldn’t find the, quite possible, love of his life, maybe the love of his life would find him. ray doesn’t think about it, has never really thought the consequences of his actions, but the results of his actions lead to something he never imagined.

ray looked at walt who was shaking his head, but signalling ray’s intro anyway.

he didn’t care if walt thought this was a bad idea, at least it was an idea. walt had offered nothing in return while ray went on and on about the guy he saw.

“ray, i get it. the guy is hot. doesn’t mean you’re in love.”

ray looked intensely at walt, eye narrowing, “he isn’t just hot walt. he’s more than that.”

walt saw how serious ray was, for once nothing but sincerity in his expression, “how do you know?”

ray shrugged and put on his atrocious black and gold sunglass, “i just know.” and went into the booth.

he laughed as the familiar sounds flowed into his ears through the headphones.

“hey everybody! how we doin’? good? alright you guys before we get you all rockin’ and rollin’ like pimps, i have to be honest, i need your help. i’ve seen this guy on campus for the past couple of months. looks like a damn viking, i swear. he’s tall, blonde hair, and blue eyes and he was wearing a black shirt today. not the most specific description, but bear with me, i swear this guy is the one. homes, if any of you saw him or know him, call in. no joke, you guys are the best and i really need your help. okay now with all my beautiful gay shit out of the way, let’s get started with some presley.”

ray queued “i’m all shook up” and smiled when he saw walt roll his eyes and throw his hands into the air.

nate listened to the radio in the car, waiting for brad to get out of class so they could start their project for military strategies.

“...looked like a damn viking...tall, blonde hair, and blue eyes and he was wearing a black shirt.”

nate thought it kind of sounded like brad, but there’s no way.

just then he saw brad walking down the stairs of the history building and choked. he was wearing a black shirt today.

“ray...no fucking way!” he shouted.

he started laughing and didn’t stop until they were on the road and brad asked him, “why the fucking are you laughing like that?” 

nate just shrugged and smiled.

“nothing, how were your classes today?”

“fine.” brad said, clipped. normally he’d be going on a rant about the institution that he was attending and how it’s systematically destroy capitalism or some other tangent.

“what’s on your mind?” nate asked casually, like he wasn’t fishing for information, even though brad knew he was.

“nothing.”

“brad.”

“i saw that guy on campus again today and i don’t know, something happened. it’s weird. everything about it is so fucking weird.”

nate nodded and the two drove as the radio played ‘complicated’ by avril lavigne.

when he heard brad singing along gently, he smiled.

nate wished he could rewind the radio, instead he took the longest way possible to their library, stopping for coffee, in hopes that someone would call and brad could hear it.

so far, they had no luck. six calls in twenty minutes and none of them panned out.

walt chimed in his ear, “ray i think this might be the real deal. line 3.”

ray answered and hit record just in case.

“this is ray ray wattup homes?”

“yeah i know exactly who you’re talking about.”

“okay, wanna be a little less vague man?” 

“look, he’ll be at the library until ten tonight.” 

“okay, you sound like a psycho, but thanks for trying man.”

“i’m not joking. his name is brad and he’ll be there, i promise you.”

the man hung up and ray laughed when walt put his fists in the air, more happy that ray would do his job rather than if he found the guy he hasn’t shut up about.

walt queued him in again after another song finished.

“thanks for all the help everyone! i think i found something legit. thank you caller number seven. now it’s 7:30 everyone, so for the next half hour, you know what that means!”

ray queued a shuffled selection of one direction and left the booth for his break.

walt met him in the hallway and laughed as ray shoved an entire candy bar in his mouth.

“you’re a real catch, person.”

ray smiled, chocolate covering his teeth and dripping out of his mouth.

“fanks falt” ray attempted to say.

he chugged a bottle of water and waited for walt to say whatever he was waiting to say.

“so what’re you gonna do ray?”

“i’m gonna do what i always do hassler, fuck everything up.”

walt smiled and nodded, “good. so long as we’re all on the same page.”

nate hung up the phone just as brad was getting back into the car.

“they didn’t have that gay mineral shit you drink so i grabbed regular water because you should have some sort of balls when it comes to your choice in beverage.”

nate laughed and pulled out of the gas station, “for someone who’s gay, you use that adjective a lot.”

brad smiled as he looked out the window, “yeah, because i know what gay is and mineral water is gay as shit, nate.”

nate just laughed more and turned up the radio.

brad groaned and tried to change it but nate slapped his hand away.

“i hate this guy, he talks too much.”

nate choked on the water he was trying to drink.

brad slapped him on the back a couple times.

“what’s with you today man?”

“n-nothing,” nate gasped. 

they pulled into the library just as ’what makes you beautiful’ started playing.

nate hoped he was right about this, if not he would just end up seeing his two best friends hurt.

ray’s shift ended around nine and it took him thirty minutes to get back to campus because of construction, ten to find a parking spot, and five to make it into the library.

“we close in fifteen minutes,” the uninterested receptionist said without looking up from her magazine.

“yeah i know, i’m not a fucking idiot.”

she looked up, appalled, but ray was already halfway down the hall.

so ray was here, and apparently this brad guy was too. the only problem was that there nine fucking floors and the library was huge. caller seven could’ve at least said where he was going to be.

“fuck!” 

some people at a table nearby shushed him and he held his middle finger up as he walked away.

he sighed, defeated and went outside to smoke and call walt.

“no luck, man. did you know the library was a fucking mansion?”

“did you look on the other floors?”

“no.”

“ray!”

“look walt disney, he probably wasn’t even here. the caller was probably just some fucking prick playing a joke.”

“ray person, you get your gay ass in there and find this guy. i’m not gonna listen to you for the next month whining.”

“but-”

“just go!”

walt hung up abruptly and ray cursed, stubbed out his cigarette and moved to go back inside.

he was checking his phone when he opened the door and didn’t see the someone was walking out.

he crashed into the other person and it felt like he hit a brick wall.

not looking up he yelled, “fuck! watch where you’re fucking walking man.”

“me? you’re too busy looking at your phone to notice someone was fucking walking out.”

ray looked up as the other man looked down and both of their hearts skipped a beat.

“you!” the both said simultaneously.

the stared at one another, both feeling something powerful, but neither knowing what to say. 

“i-” ray started but some opened the door on the other side of him and it knocked him into brad.

“you’re a clumsy piece of shit, aren’t you?” brad asked, not heat in his words, just an odd fondness.

ray looked up to see a bright smile on brad’s face.

“what can i say, bradley? i guess i’m falling for you.” 

in that moment, ray remembered that grandmother always used to say that his mouth moved faster than the speed of light. he assumed she meant that no one could ever catch up, but this time it included himself and he, for once in his light, cursed himself for not thinking before he spoke.

luckily or unluckily, nate chose that moment to interrupt.

“brad the printer in there is fubared, i’ll just print it at my apart-oh...ray....brad...am i interrupting something?”

ray assumed they paint quite the picture. brad was holding onto ray’s arms, tightly if ray was to say anything about it, and ray’s hands were on brad’s broad, warm chest. 

brad pushed ray away, harshly, and said, “no.” 

he turned and walked down the stairs like he hadn’t just broken ray’s heart.

nate waited until brad was far enough away before he turned to ray, “you okay?”

“you?! it was fucking you! and you knew? and let me come here like a fucking idiot?”

nate flinched at ray’s angered passion.

“ray, li-”

“no nate! i thought i could fucking trust you and then you pull this? christ i’ve been talking about this guy for so fucking long and you knew how i felt and you knew the whole fucking time? fuck you nate!” 

ray ran down the stairs as fast as he could.

“ray!” nate tried, but his friend was gone...possibly for good.

“fuck!” 

the group from the table had walked out and gasped at his outburst.

“fuck off,” he shouted at them and walked back to his car.

brad was miserable, he’d, quite literally, pushed away the guy that had been tormenting him for months. he fucked up and he didn’t know why he did what he did.

ray was miserable. he knew he’d fuck things up, like he always did. he just didn’t expect nate, of all people, to fuck him over. 

nate was miserable. mostly because his two best friends were miserable and because ray wouldn’t talk to him. he needed a plan, he needed...he needed walt!

“hey hass, it’s me. listen, what do you think about a party?”

“i think it’s a word. what are you talking about?”

“look i know ray is probably driving you mad with the moping, right?”

“like you would not believe. do you know how many times i’ve had to listen to my heart will go on?”

nate laughed.

“it’s not funny nate! it’s not even the real version! it’s an instrumental and ray sings the whole thing!”

nate laughed harder, “look things aren’t good on my end either. brad won’t talk to anyone and he just stares out the window like a lost puppy. he hasn’t said a single word to me since last week. i don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

walt sighed, “alright look i’ll talk to ray and you talk to brad and we’ll talk tonight and see what’s up. if all else fails, we throw a party and lock them in a room together because our lives are jokes.”

nate found brad where he’d been for the past week, in the chair by the front window, staring outside.

“brad, i know you don’t want to talk, but for it’s been a fucking week. tell me what’s going on.”

brad stared at nate for a long time before looking back out the window and asking nate something he’d never thought brad would ask.

“do you believe in love at first sight?”

nate smiled, “yeah i do.”

“don’t smile. it’s a fucking curse, nate.”

nate frowned, “so you’re in love?”

brad sighed, “i think so, but i fucked it up. it’s weird, ray’s not even my type. like he’s somehow the furthest thing from my type, but i’m drawn to him regardless.”

nate struggled for a response, he wasn’t used to brad being so open. hell, half the time he wasn’t sure brad was feeling anything beside annoyance and tolerance. for brad to talk to him like this, it had to be serious to him.

“so...what do you want to do about it?”

“something. fuck, nothing. i don’t fucking know.”

nate was curious, brad might shut down if he pushed too hard, but he had to try.

“brad, when you think about ray, how do you feel?”

brad was silent for a long time, so long that nate didn’t think he’d answer.

brad whispered, “happy.”

nate smiled, “good. now i have a plan.”

brad rolled his eyes, “your plans never fucking work nate. their snafued before they even start.”

“yeah well half the time it’s because none of you ever fucking listen to me.”

brad smiled and nate was relieved that they were finally getting somewhere.

the part at walt’s apartment was in full swing. music blasting, people dancing, and laughing was heard all around.

ray sat in a corner by the window and ignored all of it. 

walt had tried to talk to him about brad, but ray didn’t say one word, just told him to fuck off and would leave the room.

walt was keeping an eye on his friend when his phone buzzed.

nate: we’re almost there. is he there? 

walt: yeah he’s moping in the corner. you sure this’ll work?

nate: i hope. but it’ll probably be a disaster because brad colbert is acting like a nervous teenager and driving like a madman. we’ll mostly likely be dead by the end of the night.

walt: good thing there’s plenty of booze.

nate and brad walked up to the third floor and to walt’s door.

nate knocked when he heard brad swear.

“what is it?”

“i can’t do this.”

brad turned his back on nate, but didn’t walk away.

“brad.”

brad spoke without turning around.

“no this isn’t something i do, nate. i can’t look at him without feeling like a fucking schoolgirl, okay?”

“b-brad.”

“i’ve barely spoke three sentences to ray and some part of me knows him like the back of my hand and i can’t get him out of my head.”

“BRAD.”

“and it freaks me the fuck out because how do you tell someone, you’ve never really met, that you love them? and i fucking love him.”

“BRAD!”

brad turned around and his heart stopped.

walt heard a knock at the door but was “in the middle of something” and asked ray to get it.

ray sighed and went to open the door, surprised to see nate there, but even more surprised to hear someone yelling in the hall.

nate’s eyes widened and he tried to get brad’s attention.

“...i can’t look at him without feeling like a fucking schoolgirl, okay?”

he tried again.

“...i can’t get him out of my head.”

and again.

“...i fucking love him.”

and the last time worked.

brad stared at ray, whose jaw had nearly hit the floor.

ray stared at brad, who looked like he was about to run away and never come back.

nate looked at the two of them with fondness, “i’m just gonna...i gotta...beer.”

he pushed ray out of the way and slammed and locked the door.

neither man spoke, just awkwardly stared at one another.

ray spoke first, “hi.”

brad released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“hi.”

ray laughed, “well this is the most ridiculous gay shit i’ve been a part of and i’ve done some gay shit let me tell you.”

he was rambling, like usual, but it did the job. brad laughed and stepped a little closer to ray.

then he asked ray the most ridiculous question.

“do you drink mineral water?”

ray scoffed, “i said i’m gay man, not fucking weird.”

brad laughed and moved closer to ray, effective pinning him to the door.

for a long moment they just looked at one another, still feeling that same pull they’d first felt months ago, only this time is was much, much stronger.

“can i kiss you?” brad asked awkwardly, but he needed to know ray was on the same page.

“what the fuck else do you think i want you to do?”

brad smiled, smug and satisfied before he leaned in and kiss ray within an inch of his life.

walt groaned, it was the third day in a row, and ray would not stop playing love songs.

“well gang, that’s a wrap on tonight. i guess i can tell you that your old pal ray ray is officially off the market. in love and gay as hell. my mother would be moderately proud. bradley, this one is for you baby.”

ray queued ‘teenage dirtbag’ and smiled when brad came into the booth.

“that’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.”

ray smiled, “really?”

“no. now get the fuck up, we both have two days off and i plan on spending the next 48 hours fucking you on every available surface.”

ray groaned, “god i love you.”

brad smiled, the one that told ray everything he needed to know.

“i love you too, shithead.”

...but sometimes he enjoyed hearing it too.

@thebenevolentberserker - thank you! send me a pairing and an au and i’ll make an aesthetic post + ficlet