#And the weird trauma of womanhood can be helped by finding out that womanhood can literally just look like u exactly how u are

[radkindoffeminist]

Hi! I know you’re not a stand-in for all gc people and don’t expect you to speak on behalf of all of us but I’ve been wondering for months now what the stance is on tifs— in my experience, I’ve tried to engage with other terfs on this allied basis against all males, but I’ve personally never really taken issue with women/females who want to transition or change pronouns, which is typically where I find a division. Obviously I think they/thems are annoying and egregious most of the time, but I’ve found it really perturbing how much vitriol I’ve seen towards tifs from some terfs, I’ve seen some calling them stupid or deranged or brainwashed, things of that nature. Have you seen this pattern? How do you feel about it? My best personal/irl (and most effective) activism has always been talking to tifs actually, and getting them to see how the trans women in their lives treat them, how they perpetuate violence (particularly as tifs are often subjected to more tw attention and fetishism, and often effectively groomed into submission under the guise of “T4T”). But I love women and I feel like tifs in whatever form shouldn’t be hated or criticized this much (yes I recognize I’m calling them women even if they would not, irl I do my best to respect how they want to be referred to as and treated). Anyway, food for thought. Hope you’re having a good Sunday!

So my view is heavily shaped by the TIFs I have been good friends with for a long while and many encounters I’ve had online. As you said, I’m not a stand-in for all GC and my views are on the more sympathetic end as things go. I’m mostly in the same boat as you and have found that TIFs can generally be split into three categories.

Internalised misogyny/Internalised homophobia/Trauma: These three categories overlap heavily so it’s impossible to split them apart. Internalised misogyny/homophobia and/or trauma has led these women to identify as NB or trans in order to become ‘trans and straight’ or to escape the restrictions that they feel as women. The sad thing is that this probably makes up most TIFs and they will never analyse where some of these feelings are coming from because the hate for their bodies and womanhood is validated by the trans community as proof of them being trans. These women are struggling and often dress more androgynously because they think that gets them further away from ‘being a woman’. I have so much sympathy for these women, even if many of them still tow the trans party line and are assholes sometimes. They’re still struggling nonetheless.

Trendy Q*eer Girl(TM): Can cross other with either of the other categories, but also distinct enough to give it its own category. The trans q*eer girl is basically just the ‘I’m not like other girls’ but instead of doing it to impress the boys, does it to impress other q*eer people because they see being q*eer as a cool trend that they want in on. Often straight and if not straight then identifies as bisexual or pansexual but has (almost) exclusively been with men. Uses things like ‘loves iced coffee and energy drinks’ as proof of their q*eer status because obviously you can only like things like that if you’re q*eer, right? Annoying as fuck but sometimes does have trauma and internalised misogyny behind it so I have some sympathy, but not a lot for the people who treat our identities as little more than a trend.

Fetishiser: Rarer but certainly becoming more common and incredibly toxic. The fetishisers are typically trans men who date (or want to date) gay men and love yaoi (or whatever it’s called) and from that have developed an obsession over gay men to the point of convincing themselves that they themselves are actually gay men. It is creepy and weird and this group, even though they can struggle and have issues which led to this, deserve to be called out to no end. These are the people who are helping to normalise ‘genital preference’ and not being allowed to reject someone just because they’re trans, but focus more of their energy on gay men than lesbians. They are deeply homophobic.

As I said, I have an incredible amount of sympathy for many TIFs who are obviously struggling and it’s sad to see other radfems attack them so harshly and so often. They should definitely be called out on their toxic, homophobic, and misogynistic views, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t recognise that so many of these women are just struggling and doing their best to cope with their issues. Baselessly attacking them because people want to group together all trans people as being the problem when that’s not the issue does absolutely nothing for our cause and, if anything, continues to drive women away from radical feminism.

Why does so much of our sympathy go out of the window when people disagree with us? When did we stop fighting for the rights and protections of all women and decide that actually only the women in the fight with us need help and protection?

[ablednt]

Anyway I've said this before but all the weird cisnormative jokes aside, being unironicaly "misandrist" is actually not good!/srs

This isn't to say that it's bad to hate cis men for their misogyny or that any kind of reverse oppression exists but like...? You're defining your ideology by hating men as a whole and everyone who IDs as a man. But many men are oppressed by people who ID as misandrists.

If you're a white woman, men of color aren't oppressing you.

If you're a cis woman, trans men aren't oppressing you. [Edit: on the basis of gender that is. Obviously it is possible for trans men to have other privileges over cis women such as white privilege or abled privilege. They don't have male privilege tho is my point.]

And white cis men aren't harmed by misandry, obviously, but literally any other marginalized men are? Because the whole ideology involves weaponizing mens marginalized identities against them, there is currently no way to avoid that in the current discourses people are having.

And there's also the unaddressed issue that misandry is closely tied to terf ideology. There's a reason self IDed misandrists keep accidentally rbing terf posts and have to be reminded. And it's really fucking weird how cis women will be told that their rbed post that are shit like "Men are inherently abusive and invasive and horrible" were actually made by a terf and will be like "oh I'm sorry I thought this was about men, ill delete it" and then??? Find more of the same shit without thinking about why terfs think like that? (See: because they simplify concepts like misogyny to "men = bad and women = good" and then apply a transphobic misgendering view to that and are radicalized against trans women as a result.)

Things like "man" and "woman" are constructs, that doesn't mean they hold no meaning, but they don't even remotely = experience. For example the statement "men don't experience misogyny" is incorrect. Trans men experience misogyny because to cis men they're perceived as women, not all trans men pass as cis men enough to not experience misogyny, and people can ID as a man and as a woman at the same time. It simply is not simple enough to be reduced to something like misandry.

For example when you say "I hate men and that includes trans men, they're men so they're bad. Trans women are okay though" (a take I see a lot) not only is this very transphobic against trans men but also excludes all the Bigender and multigender/genderfluid trans women and TMA nonbinary people who ID as both a trans woman and a man. They do in fact exist. You do not understand the trans communities like you think you do.

Basically, I get it. There's nothing wrong with punching up at abusers. But the "misandrist" view has nothing to do with punching up, it's headed by white cis women who are taking out the trauma experienced due to cis white men onto other marginalized people.

Listen to all trans people. Not just the ones who fit your view of womanhood enough to be "one of you". Stop being transphobic and otherwise bigoted and realize that this isn't the epic girlboss moment you think it is.

Anyway don't reblog this it's going to get flooded by terfs probably because they don't like it when I say this stuff lmao. (Which should be telling on its own that when I speak about how misandry is a harmful ideology the main people attacking it are terfs)

But if you're cis especially if you're a white cis woman I want you to think about this. You deserve to be able to set boundaries and feel safe too and misogyny is a serious and horrible thing to experience but all you're doing is lashing out at people who experience the same or similar oppression. You're not helping yourself or anyone else, please evaluate this and try to treat your trauma from misogynists in a healthier way.

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Hi, I wanted to ask a question as a Jewish person who has recently been questioning my gender, wondering if I am non-binary. I was wondering how you knew you were non-binary even though you do feel some part of you is slightly femme, and how this fits into your Jewish identity? I know this is a lot to answer, thank you

Hi anon, welcome! <3

Oh my gosh - what a question! The short answer is: a lot of trial and error and pain and narishkeit, unfortunately. I’ve been trying to get words around what my non-binary femme-ness and gnarly, complicated relationship to femaleness and womanhood actually is and means for years. 

That aside, you really don’t want to figure it out the way I did if you can at all help it. I wouldn’t wish that method on my worst enemies, because it took untangling sexual assault-related childhood trauma from genuine dysphoria, multiple abusive relationships, my failed attempts to be first a cis girl, then a binary trans boy, then a young woman, then a young man, before finally accepting that non-binary was a real thing that really exists, that I was non-binary, and that yes really I was non-binary even when I desperately wished I wasn’t. 

It took years before I finally reached a place where I just didn’t give a fuck anymore and stopped trying to understand it and just live it. From there, I was able to heal enough to actually find the beauty in being non-binary binary and femme, and to heal and love the parts of me that actually are female/woman-aligned. I mentioned in that other post, but it was definitely helped a lot by learning from trans women how to separate the love of being women from hating how society treats women. It was also helped a lot by becoming Jewish and understanding that G-d’s lack of gender is one way in which I can understand my non-binary self as a human being made b’tzelem elokim. 

I sincerely hope that you can learn about yourself and your gender in ways that are loving and self-compassionate instead. 

What I’d recommend is to try to expand your ideas of what “non-binary” even is. It took me a long time to realize that being non-binary means that you don’t 100% fit into being either a man or a woman. It doesn’t mean you don’t identify at all with either of those. It can but it doesn’t have to. I have parts of me that are male, too! In fact, even though I feel male maybe >2% of the time, I insisted on having a hatafat dam brit as part of my conversion because that is a legitimate way I relate to my body and I felt obligated to address it. 

I’d say that if you think you’re non-binary, try it out. Experiment with different pronouns if you feel like it, or different presentation modes, or even just holding that self-understanding in your mind and carrying it with you as you otherwise live your life normally. Does it feel right? Does it feel weird? What does identifying with non-binaryness do for you? Does not identifying as some stripe of non-binary hurt or feel dishonest? 

Look - there will be assholes that tell you that you’re not trans enough or non-binary enough or whatever the fuck makes them feel better about themselves on tumblr. Ignore them. They don’t have to live your life; you do. If the rubric of non-binaryness works for you and makes your life make more sense, then congrats, you’re non-binary. If not, then great! You now know that you’re a binary woman or man on your own terms, and not because society told you you had to be. 

I hope this rambling made sense, but feel free to follow up if you’d like regardless. Good luck and I wish you all my best.

[maddie-grove]

My Top Ten Victorian (Ish) Romance Novels

Notes: Queen Victoria’s reign lasted from 1837 to 1901, but I learned in a literature class that sometimes the Victorian era is defined as lasting from 1832 (when the First Reform Act was passed) to 1901 (when Victoria died). When it comes to historical romance novels, I think the second definition works better; a romance set in 1831 usually comes at the tail end of a series or universe beginning in the 1810s/1820s and still has a Regency flavor, while a romance set 1832-1836 has a decidedly non-Regency feel. Incidentally, I’ve noticed that 1830s-set Harlequin Historicals are labeled “1830s,” rather than “Regency” or “Victorian.” No one knows what to do with the 1830s! Also, many of these novels are set in the USA. Three are specifically set in Chicago, which is kind of weird!

1. The Heiress Effect by Courtney Milan (2013) 

Exact Setting: 1860s England.

Premise: Politician Oliver Marshall has ambitions of enacting egalitarian laws, including the proposed Second Reform Bill, but his illegitimate birth and non-aristocratic upbringing make that an uphill battle. Then a marquess makes him a peculiar offer: in exchange for supporting the Second Reform Bill, he wants Oliver to publicly humiliate Jane Fairfield, an heiress who is despised by high society for her bad taste and oblivious rudeness. Oliver, too often the object of aristocratic bullying, has no desire to harm Jane, but he doesn’t feel that he can refuse the marquess outright. Then he realizes that Jane isn’t what she seems; instead, she’s a brave, clever, lonely woman who’s putting on an act so she can stay unmarried and continue protecting her younger sister. Also, he likes her and finds her wildly attractive, despite her nightmarish fashion sense.

Why I Like It: This is my favorite romance EVER. Jane is an all-time-great heroine: intelligent enough to engineer a complicated marriage-repellent scheme (and change it when circumstances require), strong enough to expose herself to ridicule out in the world (and come home to an uncle who thinks she’s inherently a bad person), and vulnerable enough to break your heart. Oliver, a bruised idealist who must reassess his go-along-to-get-along approach, is nearly as compelling. Their romance is full of top-notch banter and solidarity in the face of a world that wants them to be enemies. And there are almost too many excellent subplots to count: Jane’s sister’s secret romance with an Indian student at Cambridge, Oliver’s younger sister’s foray into activism, and Jane’s brittle frenemy-ship with the Johnson twins, to name a few.

Favorite Scene: The first time Jane drops her act in front of Oliver, or the defeat of the marquess.

2. A Hope Divided by Alyssa Cole (2017)

Exact Setting: North Carolina, USA, during the Civil War.

Premise: Marlie Lynch's life has always been complicated. The daughter of a free Afro-Caribbean root worker, she spent half her childhood with her mother before being sent to live with her white paternal relatives. Now she works for two different secret organizations: the Underground Railroad (with the help and approval of her white abolitionist sister) and the black-Unionist-run spying organization the Loyal League (with the knowledge of no one). When she’s not doing that, she’s pursuing her scientific interests while still honoring and using her late mother’s rootworking practices. Her situation becomes even more fraught when she agrees to harbor Ewan McCall, an escaped Union POW, in a secret chamber behind her bedroom wall. They bond over their shared intellectual interests, but is there any time for romance when Marlie’s home is being overrun by loathsome Confederates?

Why I Like It: Many historical romances have good love stories but don’t do much with the setting, while a few excel at portraying the past but fail at creating a compelling central relationship. Alyssa Cole’s Loyal League novels are the total package, and the Southern-Gothic-tinged A Hope Divided is the standout among them. Marlie and Ewan’s courtship is portrayed with tenderness, intelligence, and delicacy. Cole brings just as much sharpness and nuance to her portrayal of the time and place, representing groups of people who tend to disappear in popular discussions about the Civil War. I also really appreciate Ewan as a character. His mind works differently from most people’s (in that he would probably now be considered to be on the autism spectrum), and he worries that he’s a bad person because he doesn’t feel a lot of angst about some morally complicated decisions he made in the past. The narrative does a good job of showing that Ewan is no better or worse than anyone else for using tools other than empathy in his moral reasoning. Also, Marlie is a top-tier Gothic heroine.

Favorite Scene: Marlie reflects on the villain’s oh-so-convenient conception of Southern womanhood. I’m also a big fan of the entirety of the bedroom-wall courtship.

3. The Suffragette Scandal by Courtney Milan (2014)

Exact Setting: 1870s England.

Premise: After his hateful father and self-serving brother abandoned him to a grisly fate in war-torn Strasbourg, Edward Delacey narrowly survived, with his faith in himself and the world around him shattered. Now he’s back in England, and his younger brother stands to inherit the viscountcy that legally belongs to him. He’s not interested in the title; however, he does feel compelled to stop his brother from ruining the life of Frederica Marshall, a daring investigative reporter who writes about discrimination against women. As he lends his (jaded, reluctant) assistance, Frederica’s optimism begins to infect him...and that’s not the only reason he wants to stay around her.

Why I Like It: I love Frederica as Oliver’s little sister in The Heiress Effect, and she’s even better as the cocksure firebrand heroine of her own story. It’s rare that a heroine is allowed to be so successful in her chosen field at the beginning of a romance novel, but Milan accomplishes this while still giving Frederica enough vulnerabilities and flaws to make her interesting. Yet Edward, a wounded cynic who chooses to do good despite believing that he’s a garbage bag and the world is a shit-pile, is what really pushes the novel to all-time-great status. Their story is a wonderful illustration of the best things that love can do; his faith in the world is revived by her ideals, and her worst impulses are tempered by hearing about the lessons he’s learned in his darkest moments. Plus, they have some really funny banter. 

Favorite Scene: Edward explains why torture is ineffective and wrong. (I put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture college! Fuck off!)

4. After the Wedding by Courtney Milan (2018)

Exact Setting: 1860s England. 

Premise: After her father was accused of treason and committed suicide, Lady Camilla Worth was passed from home to increasingly shabby home, eventually fading into obscurity as Camilla Winters, a housemaid in a corrupt clergyman’s home. Adrian Hunter, the son of a black abolitionist activist and a white duke’s daughter, is visiting the clergyman in disguise to gather information when he and Camilla fall victim to a dastardly plot. Force to wed at literal gunpoint and thrown out of the house, they must work together to annul their marriage and get to the bottom of the clergyman’s sinister doings. 

Why I Like It: Camilla is the first bisexual heroine I ever encountered in romance, so I was already primed to love her, but it would’ve happened regardless of her orientation. Desperate for any kind of affection after losing her family in a particularly cruel way, her struggle to find love while trying to protect herself is extremely moving. Adrian also has an affecting arc, in which he learns how to let go of family members who don’t really care about him and acknowledge his grief for his brothers who died in the Civil War. Finally, the conspiracy plot is absolutely explosive.

Favorite Scene: Camilla deals with trauma through legal research. 

5. An Unconditional Freedom by Alyssa Cole (2019)

Exact Setting: USA (mainly Illinois and Mississippi) during the Civil War.

Premise: Daniel Cumberland once believed that freedom and justice would prevail for black people in America, but then he was kidnapped and enslaved for several months. Now free, he works for the Loyal League, fueled not by hope but by pure rage. Janeta Sanchez, a mixed-race Cuban-Floridian lady from a wealthy Confederate family, is also working for the Loyal League...as a double agent, because she believes that’s the only way to save her father. Paired with Daniel to gather intelligence about possible European aid, she begins to question her loyalties as she sees more of the world and gets to know the people her hypocritical white family has kept her away from. Daniel, meanwhile, begins to see a way of coping with his trauma and an uncertain future.

Why I Like It: Historical romance often shies away from the worst parts of history, or at least frames them as remaining firmly in the past. Alyssa Cole not only starkly portrays the horrors of American slavery, but also confronts head-on the terrifying realization that things do not inevitably improve over time. Yet Cole’s frankness doesn’t reduce the novel to a horror show; there is plenty of joy and kindness and hard-won hope between Daniel and Janeta. Deceived and guilted by her family into supporting an appalling cause that hurts her, Janeta is a complex heroine who develops wonderfully throughout the novel. Daniel is also one of the best-written heroes in romance. Finally, as in A Hope Divided, Cole sheds light on an aspect of the Civil War (the involvement of Europe) that doesn’t get a lot of attention in popular culture.

Favorite Scene: Janeta and Daniel talk alone for the first time.

6. Wild at Heart by Patricia Gaffney (1997)

Exact Setting: 1890s USA (Chicago, Illinois).

Premise: Lost as a child and raised by wolves in the wilds of Canada, the Lost Man has been discovered by “civilized” people and forced to “live” with a Chicago anthropologist for study. (Really, he’s being held captive.) Only Sydney Darrow, the anthropologist’s widowed daughter, has the sense/compassion to say, “Hey, maybe we should treat this man like a person and not keep him locked in a glorified cell where a disgruntled employee can taunt him.” She gently introduces the Lost Man back into human society, and the two find themselves getting along better and better. But can the Lost Man ever truly adjust to the human world? Or will he forever express his love by giving dead fish to people? Or is okay, sometimes, to express you love with dead fish?

Why I Like It: This is one of the most bizarre romances I’ve ever read. It sounds like a romance that someone made up for a sitcom. It sounds like a fever dream. It’s absolutely brilliant, too, because Gaffney commits. The Lost Man thinks of everything in animal terms; he accurately identifies Sydney’s aunt as the “dominant female” of the household, he has decided opinions about which animals are neat and which ones are pains in the ass, and he shows his love with a beautiful, freshly caught fish. There’s a real sense of loss in his arc; it’s necessary for him to transition into human society, but he’s also lost a beautiful, meaningful world. His romance with Sydney is also a great version of the Monster Boyfriend story; she’s the one who sees his humanity and recognizes many of his more “animal” traits as positive. The backdrop of the 1893 World’s Columbian Exposition is also charming.

Favorite Scene: Michael reflects on who’s hot (otters) and who’s not (wolverines) in the animal kingdom.

7. To Love and to Cherish by Patricia Gaffney (1995)

Exact Setting: 1850s England.

Premise: Jaded Anne Verlaine moves to the tiny village of Wyckerly after her wildly unhappy and unpleasant husband Geoffrey inherits a viscountcy. They’re greeted by Christian “Christy” Morrell, the local vicar and Geoffrey’s childhood best friend. Christy is dismayed to see the man Geoffrey has become, but he’s even more disconcerted by the attraction he feels for Anne...who returns his feelings.

Why I Like It: Although she stopped writing historical romance in the late nineties, Patricia Gaffney remains one of the most stylistically inventive and emotionally intense authors in the sub-genre. Anne, a warm and witty bohemian atheist, is a wonderfully unique heroine, while the sweet and scrupulous Christy is a similarly refreshing hero (and, really, an ideal clergyman, with high standards for himself and hardly a judgmental thought towards others). Despite the (delicious) angst involved in their relationship, they’re one of the most convincingly happy couples I’ve seen in romance; they don’t just grow close because of sexual chemistry or their shared complicated feelings about Geoffrey, but also because of their shared interests, oddly compatible senses of humor, and respect for each others’ differences. The village of Wyckerly is vividly portrayed, plus Gaffney makes great use of Anne’s writings and correspondence with Christy to shape the narrative.

Favorite Scene: Anne gets angry with Christy for being so good in the face of Geoffrey’s bullshit. 

8. Silk Is for Seduction by Loretta Chase (2011)

Exact Setting: Mid-1830s England and France.

Premise: After emigrating from Paris to London, Marcelline Noirot and her two younger sisters started a dress shop catering to newly rich and middle-class women. Thanks to Marcelline’s innovative designs and her sisters’ sales/accounting skills, they now stand a chance to be the favorite shop of the entire aristocracy...but first they need an early adopter. Help comes in the form of Lady Clara Fairfax, a beautiful but dowdily dressed girl who’s starting to have doubts about her perfect-on-paper betrothed, the Duke of Clevedon. As Marcelline devises a new wardrobe for Clara and spends more time with Clevedon, it becomes more and more clear that Clevedon is perfect...for Marcelline.

Why I Like It: I’m a simple woman; I like elaborate descriptions of over-the-top 1830s fashion. What’s more, I love Marcelline. She’s a fully realized character with interests, talents, and history that have nothing to do with Clevedon; she misses the sweet husband she lost to an epidemic, is anxious to build a future for her young daughter and her sisters, and spends a lot of the book demonstrating her talents in gorgeous detail. Just like the massive gigot sleeves on her dresses, she takes up space. Overall, the romance resembles a really good 1930s romantic comedy; Clevedon is a great straight man, the love triangle is elegantly resolved, and everything just feels beautiful. 

Favorite Scene: In one of the best sex scenes in romance, Marcelline tells Clevedon that she loves him, knows they don’t have a future, and wants him for one last night just the same.

9. The Hostage by Susan Wiggs (2000)

Exact Setting: 1870s USA (Chicago, Illinois and Isle Royale, Michigan)

Premise: Beautiful new-money heiress Deborah Sinclair has always done what’s expected of her. When her aristocratic betrothed shows his true colors, though, she works up the courage to tell her dad that she wants out. Unfortunately, Mr. Sinclair is not receptive...and the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 is literally happening around them...and this random dude just showed up to kidnap her in all the chaos! Before she knows it, she’s on a boat to remote Isle Royale with Tom Silver, a rugged frontiersman who lost many of his friends and his adopted son in a mining accident caused by Mr. Sinclair’s negligence. Because Mr. Sinclair was found not legally liable, Tom has resorted to holding Deborah for ransom. Although he has no desire to harm her, he’s prepared to hate the daughter of his greatest enemy; she’s also not too fond of him, given that he kidnapped her and all. As they wait for Mr. Sinclair’s reply on Isle Royale, however, they get to know each other better.

Why I Like It: I never thought I’d love a kidnapping romance that wasn’t Beauty and the Beast, but Susan Wiggs can sell me on pretty much anything. (It helps that Tom has excellent motives, yet isn’t validated by the narrative for choosing to kidnap Deborah.) This is one of the best adventure-romances that I’ve ever read; much of the first act is an incredibly tense, complicated chase sequence through the flaming inferno of Chicago, while the later chapters consist of their trying to survive together on Isle Royale in the depths of winter. The emotional  journeys of the characters are just as compelling as their physical ones. One of my favorite romance tropes is when one protagonist feels like they should hate the other one, but instead ends up going “wow, this person is obviously not doing okay...wait, am I worried? Should I help them? Actually, I kind of admire them now???” The Hostage has this trope in abundance.

Favorite Scene: The entire part where they’re trapped on Isle Royale together. So many survival details! So cathartic!

10. The Firebrand by Susan Wiggs (2001)

Exact Setting: 1870s USA (Chicago, Illinois)

Premise: Outspoken and awkward, Lucy Hathaway (Deborah Sinclair’s BFF) is a failure at being a lady, but she’s far too passionate about women’s suffrage and dress reform to care (much) about society’s scorn. On the night of the Great Chicago Fire, her world is upended in two ways: her family loses most of their money, and she catches a baby who got thrown out of a burning hotel window. Years later, she’s a kick-ass activist and single mom running a proto-feminist bookstore. Then she learns that her daughter’s father, banker Randall Higgins, is still alive. Once a proud, thoroughly conventional family man, Rand has been a practical recluse since the fire that scarred his face, ended his marriage, and (he thought) killed his daughter. He’s overjoyed to have his daughter back, but now he and Lucy must figure out a way to raise the child that they both love so much.

Why I Like It: I was worried when I began this novel, because Rand starts out as a smug, boring sexist who thinks that a woman’s place is in the home. I would probably hate the book if Rand didn’t end up completely changing his worldview, agreeing with Lucy’s parenting methods, and risking the wrath of his bank colleagues by joining Lucy at a protest. As it is, Rand’s character development is incredibly satisfying, particularly because it’s emotionally realistic. (Instead of being swayed entirely by romantic love or overwhelmed by Lucy’s vast superiority, he learns to see things from her perspective and recognizes that her actions make the world a better place.) Lucy, for her part, is probably one of my top ten heroines. She’s an active, thoroughly engaged progressive who listens to people more marginalized than her without making a big show of it; she’s a thoughtful mom who genuinely likes her weird kid; and she’s got massive insecurities and a stubborn streak that keep her from being too perfect. 

Favorite Scene: Rand sees Lucy’s ideals reflected in their daughter’s response to his kind-of-messed-up face.

Further Note: Is Victorianish my favorite type of historical romance? I think it is!

[maxbernini]

s6 with alexia with eliotts role... why would you bring up this brilliant idea now i can’t stop thinking about it

(this is SUPER long sorry, i got kinda carried away but idk how to do read mores on mobile)

i can't stop thinking about it either!!! i know it wouldn't have solved every issue because the skamfr writers are still...the skamfr writers lmao, but it's a small change with large impacts: it would've strengthened the better plots and eliminated (some of) the worse ones, whilst also continuing alexia's story from s5, and potentially making the decision to have her and arthur get back together in the finale much better too.

in my opinion they either needed to really focus on lola's relationships with the women in her life OR keep eliott, but take out the creepiness. because tbh even without the cursed scene or the relapse plot, i don't love their relationship. i think me and you have both said this before but they just work better as occasional mentor and distant friend, rather than the brother/sister dynamic the writers pushed (which i honestly didn't feel until the scene where she apologizes + he teases her about maya, but i’ll never be on board with it after the cursed scene. having that scene inherently ruins the point of portraying eliott as the Good Older Brother figure lmao). i don't love basile but i think the sibling dynamic felt more organic with him, because he kinda already is, in a way? like it's much less weird for lola to have a close brotherly relationship with her sister's boyfriend - someone she'll probably end up being related to anyways - than with her sister's friend's boyfriend (and eliott needs friends his own age, but that’s another rant).

but if alexia had replaced eliott like...wow, the POTENTIAL. alexia is supposedly daphné's childhood friend but apparently she and lola have no relationship, even though they would've grown up together? i know daphné's whole thing was Caring Too Much About What Other People Think but there's no way alexia wouldn't have already been over to their apartment and known their financial situation? known about her mother and sister's struggles??

so you have alexia, someone who already cares about lola pre-s6, being this older sister mentor when lola's actual older sister is not someone she can talk to yet - further strengthening the Sisterhood As The Real Love Story theme. like why stop with daphné? why not explore sisterhood in both a sibling way and a general womanhood way? alexia being equally empathetic to both daphné and lola given that she's known both forever (compared to other old gen characters who are likely to be more biased towards daphné), but it's also a mutually beneficial relationship, because apparently nobody in the old gen is mad at arthur for cheating?? so without making lola her therapist (and vice versa), alexia is able to talk to someone about that situation who isn’t loyal to arthur, and because both of them struggle with confidence / the way they're perceived / their relationships with others, there's already several things they have in common.

also just a wlw friendship!! alexia almost being lola's eskild in a way, and helping her process the trauma she has with men. an actual convo where lola talks about her sexuality (or at least labels it!!!!). this is where you could develop alexia's story after s5, seeing more of her mindset, dreams, experiences, etc and either affirm her decision to not get back with arthur or 'fix' it (arthur/alexia replacing elu as the s6 background ship).

which, speaking of: also focusing on lola's relationships with lamifex + maya. with the former, you have her healing with her community (yes i'm claiming sekou & jo as lgbt here). sekou and max being two guys who don't mistreat or kiss her, and there's another layer of sisterhood if they gave jo a personality beyond 'quirky and obsessed with eliott', and maybe specifically parallel her to tiff? both jo and tiff being really bubbly and approachable at first glance, but one's mean and the other's genuinely kind, with jo thus proving that friendship IS a good thing, you won't always get burned, it's good to let people in, etc. and then with the latter, i think there'd be less of a 'romantic love saves all' vibe that i kinda got with the final lines + parts of the supermarket kiss speech, if it wasn't just a romantic relationship that played such a large role in lola's healing arc.

anyways tl;dr: the season six plot begins with a woman's death and follows the subsequent traumas it triggers, so it simply makes SENSE for the season to come full circle by having the main find strength, self-confidence, development and healing through her relationships with other women, and the best way to have done that is through the combination of alexia (older mentor), daphné (actual sister), maya (girlfriend), and jo (best friend) aka a whole spectrum of different women and different relationship dynamics!! who else is bitter.

[crazy-hand-official]

on hole

ok so this posts been a long time a comin’ but i finally feel like im drunk enough to talk about (and never shut the fuck up about) one of my favorite bands... Hole

hole’s music has meant a lot to me since i picked up Live Through This at some boring ass used cd store that also happened to sell erotic fantasy novels about good fathers. but anyway. holes music is for women with bad fathers. women who are kind of fucked up and angry about it, too. women who have trauma and scars and are kinda gross. women who were wronged but somehow by the grace of god empowered in the face of their horrible experiences. 

or at least it feels like that, dont it?

that was the main appeal of hole to me, anyway. i fell in love with this album around the second or third listen through. i was like, damn, shes pissed. it was so refreshing to hear a woman just screaming out her frustrations. how cathartic must it have been to be able to not only get it out, but also be taken somewhat seriously? of course hole never got the recognition they deserved. im of the unpopular opinion that they were waayyyy better than nirvana. without sounding kinda sappy... you know what fuck it im not apologizing to any of u. hole totally made me embrace womanhood. it influenced my own, much beloved way to just exist. 

but also i guess i just really love tunes. 

ps im not here for the courtney killed kurt debate lmfao!!

ok so heres the part where i write my onions about their four studio albums 

Pretty On the Inside

their first album and admittedly, my least favorite (that doesnt say much because i still really enjoy it). its sound is much more abrasive. love employs her most guttural screams in this one, but ill get to that. to its credit, its the most experimental but many interpret it as amateur guitar screeches and song bits just hashed together. and maybe theyre right! but what band doesnt have that not-quite-there-yet first album? its an unrefined, beautiful mess. A song title or two is spelled wrong. Garbadge man is one that comes to mind. and for some reason, its just... fitting. its an artistic mistake left in and its so dumb but thats the fun in it! thats the punk in it! they dont give a fuck so why should you? this album is a messy bitch. 

track im gonna nut about: mrs. jones

this song is apparently about a back alley abortion, and its just as brutal. love is screaming, just guttural sounds and expletives and nauseating lyrics. when i first heard it, i was absolutely entranced in the atrocity of it all. shes sweating, panting. i will follow you down the sick drain

other favorite tracks: teenage whore, good sister bad sister, pretty on the inside

Live Through This

their most popular album also happens to be my favorite! the start of it all...

i havent shut up about this album since day one because i just like it so much! she refines her skills and just comes out with a successful album that ties an array of horrible themes and wraps them up in a pretty pink bow. its soft aesthetic covers the dark, sickening themes that make the album. rape, anorexia, self harm, self hatred, violence, abuse... the list goes on. someone i one knew asked me why women with bipolar disorder and bpd love hole so much and i had to bite my tongue but to be brutally honest we probably like it because love had the nuts to scream about taboo themes that are so hurtfully common in our lives. just like how the depressed rally behind the smiths. oh that and the musics awesome. but anyway, the cover is a beauty queen the moment shes crowned. its supposed to represent someone who has fought, clawed, and fucked her way to the top. but look! shes the queen! shes the beauty queen! everyone will finally love her and treat her with respect! and all she had to do was sell her soul. all she had to do was get abused over and over to the point of breakdown. but she made it, didnt she? i mean, look how pretty the crown is!

favorite track im not gonna shut up about: i think i would die

im gonna be super lazy and just copy and paste what i wrote up one time when i talked about this song before:

wait nevermind i cant search for my post through my tag because tumblr is broken. something about breastmilk? ill update once i find it lmao. 

other favorite tracks: violet, softer softest, miss world

Celebrity Skin 

i dont have as many onions on this one. supposedly, love didnt want this album to become ‘the widow album’, but theres a song or two about kurt’s death snuck in there. this albums loud, but not nearly as angry as the first two. in fact, when shes not singing catchy pop tunes about how jaded she is, shes being sincere and heartfelt. all in all, its a fantastic album and my second favorite that hole has to offer. 

favorite track of the album: heaven tonight

ive heard two stories about what this songs supposedly about. on one hand, people say its about two lovers. the girl wants to lose her virginity to the guy, so she drives (recklessly) to his house and dies in an accident. she’ll never grow old, she’ll go to heaven tonight. on the other hand, i heard that love just wanted a fun song to sing to her daughter, frances bean. either way, it makes me want to dance. so idk if its about teenagers fucking or about a little girl who just needed a song, but its cool.

other favorite tracks: awful, celebrity skin, reasons to be beautiful

Nobody’s Daughter

years later, hole released their final album. when i first heard it, i was disappointed. the first track was great, but then.... i noticed her voice had deteriorated significantly due to her smoking and other vocal abuse. and i thought, damn, i really wish she released this when she was younger. she sounds normal when she screams, but i guess to compensate when singing softer parts, she does this kind of weird weird thing when enunciating that... ok i cant pinpoint or describe what exactly it is but it kinda sucks. ‘honey’ is the only hole song that i dont like very much, and its the best song to use as an example when trying to explain how her voice got all fucked. now, we cant all be bowie (whose singing voice only got better after years of smoking). but still. 

anyways, i listened to the album again, and i mean really listened to it. and actually! the smoker voice is the beauty of it! its a woman who is past jaded and past giving fucks about anyone or anything. its songs from a woman of experience. and she still sounds badass! her voice is so rough, she sounds like she could still fuck anyone up. its exciting. 

favorite track to get all sappy about: letter to god

i really found an appreciation for this song. this is a song about someone who cant be saved. and isnt that fucked up? youre so bad, so hated by all of those around you, but no one can hate you as much as yourself. and you try everything to pick yourself up but just nothing works. and everyone has their two cents in what they think will help you. but youve tried every med in the book and youve tried this and that and the other thing, and you come to the conclusion that you just cant be saved. youre drowning. so what do you do? you turn to god, a supernatural all-mighty being. but shit, i hope he can help you. because if he doesnt, fucking nothing ever will. so go write him that letter.

  i never wanted to be the person you see

other favorite tracks: nobodys daughter, skinny little bitch

and thats what i have to say about that!

[muchmoremarsh]

hot take and controversial opinion, but people should have access to resources about detransition and suchlike without being bombarded with terf and radical feminist stuff. some people are just looking to make sure they ARE sure about their medical transition. medical transition is a very serious process and people should be able to seek out further options if they deem it appropriate for them, as well as a LOT more help with mental health. this isn’t to “discourage people from being trans” or “encourage a transphobic view”, it is so people can know they are making the right decision with how they personally combat dysphoria and can find peace in realising they are trans. or not trans. you don’t have to transition if you are trans. it’s your body and your life and YOUR identity- do what’s right for YOU.

i am quite sure of my male identity, and i have concluded that i will always be, and continue to be, a man. i may never be as macho or understand how to act in certain social circles but that’s got very little to do with JUST being trans lol- im just a nerdy guy with little ability to fit in sometimes. lots of men are like that, doesn’t suddenly make me “not trans”. so why am i talking about this?

as i’ve been on blockers and one of my friends came out again as detransitioning, i have been in an i sure loop of “but will i regret it???”. half of me is like ‘it’s okay to have these thoughts to make sure what i’m doing is right for me’ but the other half is like ‘if i’m having these thoughts does that mean i’m fake???’ the long thought out answer is no, because i have done so much (like i think too much) extensive research and recollection about being trans and i just. am trans lmao there’s no other way to put it. i just get thrown sometimes because i try to imagine what “female” me would look like, and i do get an image but i can’t ever see myself identifying and fully embracing myself into womanhood because i am not a woman. though i have experience complex trauma and abuse from a female figure in my life, and IF this does turn out to be a “””reason””” for my transition, so be it, you know? i know i’m aware of it and i really honestly feel no different. it also really isn’t a stand alone reason as well, lmao. i have felt so different since around the ages of 9, due to so many different social factors and the start of puberty. and the feelings of dysphoria ARE dysphoria, not just the sudden dislike of my body changing so fast. of course there were times i thought i was a girl who liked girls- but it felt weird to me since i DIDNT feel like a girl. i felt like a boy having feelings for a girl. it also brings up the questions of gender roles, what it really means to be a man/woman, different clothing and how people see you and ~accepting your body for it is~ and all that jazz. i did briefly have a panic about “WHAT IF MY GENDER DYSPHORIA IS BODY DYSMORPHIA???”....it’s really not the case. at this moment in time, i am in a position where i am on the road to losing weight and upping my level of fitness and avoiding my previous disordered eating. as well as this, i went through a period where i lost a bit of weight and still felt dysphoric for that time.

i HAVE decided to take my time with transitioning, and though at times it may have felt very distressing at times, i needed to evaluate all aspects of my mental health to make this decision to transition. and i am very sure, because i AM trans. nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with being a man. does not make me “resent womanhood” or whatever bullshit i keep seeing. i love my body! i love and accept the person i am! i just don’t like the parts that i feel dysphoric about, because i am trans and i am a man.

[gncrevan]

(no rebl¤gs please)

i think what just endlessly frustrates me about gender and nonbinariness and womanhood is that i don't see my experience reflected and i don't actually feel comfortable with any of the options given to me in trans and nb circles or women's circles

like, make up is one of these big issues where i just notice how honestly all this shit about "make up has no gender" and using make up to alter your appearance into something more masculine/androgynous really held me back and reinforced patriarchal notions about having to wear make up and having to invest a huge amount of time in it. but my whole problem is i don't enjoy it, i don't feel comfortable, i don't wanna feel like my natural face is just too damn ugly to look at, i don't wanna waste time and energy and money on it that i could invest much better. i'm glad to be at a point where i only wear it to work or if i dress up for something, and only use very few products instead of turning my face into a full mask. i'm still self-conscious, but i have made huge steps forward and i don't try to drastically alter my appearance anymore. so yeah, i kind of hate this weird make up positivity in nb & trans circles cause that is not how i want to present myself and that is not how i can learn to accept and love myself, that is just performing gendered beauty standards that i cannot fulfill anyway.

as an adult trying to navigate the world, it's real damn hard to feel like there is any solid meaning in, like, nonbinary concepts of gender in the first place. i work with people who barely know what being gay is, not to mention trans. these are people i am not out to about being bisexual, and these are the kinds of people i interact with the most each day of my life. before i started a job, i really was in a fucking bubble of all these social justice savvy, often academic, young lgbt people or allies, but that's not the same as the world out there. and honestly, if you wanna stay sane and survive, you need a group and you need solidarity, and i've started feeling a lot more connected to womanhood again because i know at least other women will understand my struggles better and i will be safer with them than with men. i can't really be picky when i barely know any nonbinary people in real life, and spend all my time around cishets. straight women are still pretty terrible, but at least not as terrible as straight men.

it's kind of utopian anyway to assume being nonbinary somehow gives me an out of jail free card for the shit i get as a woman. i don't stop being a woman just by not calling myself one, the only way out seems to be trying to be parsed as a man and i don't wanna be a man. i'm an un-woman but i am still not a man, so i experience the same violence as women do, except my unfemininity, unwomanhood makes me even more of a target. i know that i could get out by transitioning but i am not a man. i hate men, am scared of men, have suffered too much from men. i never wanna be one of them.

and in general 99% of nonbinary discourse and identity politics online is so far removed from reality, at least my reality, that it doesn't make me feel at home or understood, it just makes me feel pressured to change things about myself, and that is already the problem i have with womanhood, that it makes people tell me how i should look or behave or be, and that is exactly what i don't want and what i hoped nonbinary identity would help me get away from! but no, i'm also doing nonbinary wrong because i don't do make up and i don't want to call myself a soft boy uwu and i am not pretty and i am made of edges and ugliness.

i'm not masculine either. not transmasculine, not masculine-of-center, not a masc woman. being unfeminine doesn't make me masculine by default and i hate that notion. i am gender non conforming. but that makes others lump me in as masculine and that is not me.

i wanna change my name but not my legal gender. i know nobody will use the name i want, and i don't want it for gender reasons anyway, i want it because i wanna cut ties to the violence i have endured. i want a mastectomy and a hysterectomy, but i don't want to go on T. there isn't room for me in the system that has been set up. my wishes are not medically necessary. i am scared of explaining them. how should anyone understand? it doesn't make sense. and i'm too unhealthy anyway, so surgery is a bad idea.

i've really only resonated with butch experiences, with the "i'm not a woman, i'm a lesbian" thing, except: i am not a lesbian. i feel like my bisexuality isn't allowed to be cited as my connection to womanhood. i feel like me saying "i am attracted to and love women and i recognize this as gay and that is why i am a woman myself, because i want to love other women as a woman" isn't okay since i also have the potential to like men, and am in a relationship with a man. i feel like i am barred from understanding my gender this way, and like i have to "choose". i feel like bisexual women are only allowed to be feminine -- either soft & flowery feminine or tough & sexy feminine, but definitely feminine. i feel like bisexual women have to want to be attractive to men, be comfortable about being attractive to men, define themselves in ways that are attractive to men. and i feel like i can't say i don't want that because i have a boyfriend (and who cares that my trauma and dysphoria have made our relationship entirely platonic and that while i want him to like how i look, like i want any person i love to like how i look, i know that if he looked at me the way straight men usually look at women they find attractive, it would make me want to set myself on fire).

i feel endlessly uncomfortable, and i feel isolated, and i feel upset. i don't see a way out for me in the near future, and tbh i feel like these issues aren't really at the forefront of things when i am struggling with my physical & mental illnesses so much, but that doesn't make them go away, and it doesn't stop me from wanting to cry every time i feel unable to relate to people in my life because my experiences & problems with navigating gender are so fundamentally different.

[swampgallows]

really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.

and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).

raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).

plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 

my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”

like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it

currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 

since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.

like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).

but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.

i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?

i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 

i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.

i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.

from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.

[shesgottawatchit]

Tangerine (2015) dir. Sean Baker

A Trans Woman of Color Responds to the Trauma of “Tangerine”

Why is it that trans women of color have to experience so much violence to remember that they have each other’s back?

That’s what I got from the movie Tangerine. I enjoyed it. Mya Taylor (who plays Alexandra, one of the two trans leads) and Kitana Kiki Rodriguez (who plays Sin-dee, the other) were fucking brilliant. They were not respectable, they were surviving in the best way they knew how and they were supporting each other even though it was difficult. I loved that they didn’t apologize for their lives or their existence.

Despite this, the audience still laughed at really inappropriate parts, showcasing the way that the film itself fails the story it’s trying to portray. And don’t get me wrong, the story is real. But the way it’s set up, how it’s shot, the progression of the plot — it’s clear that it is offering up the story to a mostly white, bougie audience. It was voyeuristic in the worst possible way. And while the two stars did have a lot of input into the making of the script, white men are still the ones who get the credit. The names of white men are on the script and white men directed the movie. The story was only made real by the beautiful performance of the actors.

One of the things that frustrated me was the way Razmik (an Armenian taxi driver who is a frequent customer of Alexandra and Sin-dee, played by Karren Karagulian) is juxtaposed to that terrible john. Razmik is no better then the dude that tried to rip off Alexandra. But the narrative manipulates you into feeling sorry for him. He is just a poor misunderstood dude who lies to his wife and keeps his desire secret. But he was just as awful as all the other non trans women in the film. He reduces trans women to what we can do for him sexually, fetishizes our bodies and refuses to publicly acknowledge that he desires trans women. He is still exploits them — he just pays well. Whats more, I don’t care at all about men and how they’re impacted by transmisogyny. Because the only reason Razmik and men like him get any kind of grief is because of transmisogyny. But it is not men who bear the brunt of that violence, it is us. Trans women are murdered for the same reasons that men are shamed. So for this film to focus almost half of the narrative on this man and how hard he has it, is very frustrating. Because even in films that are ostensibly about us, we still have to deal with men and their feelings. We still try to center male experiences.

The complicated relationship that these two trans women had with the men/love in their life was hard to watch. These were people who really and truly hated Sin-dee and Alexandra but said that they love them. They manipulate, take advantage of and abuse them. Chester was an awful abusive liar, but what choice does Sin-dee have? When validation and love come, even if it’s twisted and fucked up, you take it because otherwise you are just alone and sometimes the illusion of someone supporting you is better than nothing at all. I saw my experiences with men reflected in theirs and it fucking hurt. Trans women of color aren’t valued — again, we exist only to serve and perform for men. What does it mean that the people that are supposed to value us the most end up abusing us? What does it mean that trans women of color are often the victims of domestic violence but there is no narrative about it. We cannot be victims because we cannot be loved.

The final moment of the film comes after Sin-dee realizes that Alexandra slept with her boyfriend. Sin-dee is upset with Alexandra and tries to go off by herself but Sin-dee is assaulted, called a tranny faggot and gets urine splashed all over her. An intimate moment ensues where Alexandra takes care of Sin-dee and Sin-dee forgives Alexandra. That moment of sisterhood is so real. Nobody is going to look out for trans women of color except other trans women of color. We only matter to others when we are performing for them. But why does the film find it necessary to emphasize this sisterhood by subjecting them both to violence? What does it say about the director and the audience that this was the only way to bring them back together, because they have no other choice because the world is trying to kill them. This scene also shows them taking off their wigs which is just another instance of that trope saying that trans women’s femininity is not real. It’s a fabrication that comes off during intimate moments, cause what’s “real” is what’s on the “inside”. What does it mean that all the character development that occurred in that film was through trauma and violence? What does it mean that we can only see their vulnerability, their strength, their resilience through this moment of degendering?

I’m glad I went to see it. Seeing some of my experiences reflected in that film were really important and some of the ways they handle sex work and relationships is real. I appreciated the nuance in the way that they displayed men and their relationships to trans women. Trans women of color are almost always seen as objects to be controlled, held and exploited. The movie was clear about this. Clear that the ways men relate to trans women is toxic and fraught with dynamics of power that are abusive. Chester (Sin-dee’s boyfriend and pimp, played by James Ransone) was terrible to Sin-dee and he manipulated his way back into her good graces. Razmik was only interested in how these women could serve his pleasure. Both models — both through intimate relationship and client — capture the way that men are terrible to trans women time and again.

I also liked the way that Sin-dee was in control of her interaction with Dinah (the white, cis woman and sex worker who Chester cheats on Sin-dee with, played by Mickey O’Hagan). So often, cis white women will invalidate our womanhood. They will exclude us from women’s spaces and be generally awful to us. Transmisogyny is pervasive and cis white women are not exempt from perpetuating that. It was satisfying to see another trans woman of color in control of her interaction with someone who was actively denying her womanhood, who mocks Sin-dee’s desire to be valued and seen by her partner. It was satisfying to see her take what she needed from her when so often trans women of color are denied. White feminists might be inclined to read what Sin-dee does as violence against women but Sin-dee is not in a position of power over Dinah. And it was satisfying to watch. And while I do not trust the intentions of the white male director who shot that scene (because he would be perpetrating that violence), I do appreciate the moment for the satisfaction it gave me.

Even with these positive experiences, the voyeurism and almost lurid lens that the film was shot in makes it so that it only serves the consumption of cis white people. I cannot separate or ignore the fact that this was a film made by white men. And how these white men’s careers are going to profit from this film while the actress’s careers will most likely languish.

And why is it that so few TWOC (aside from Laverne Cox and Janet Mock) get any kind of airtime when it doesn’t involve trauma? Why are cis folks only interested in seeing us hurt, traumatized and alone? Those select few trans women who do get the spotlight, not just when they are murdered, are the exception and often tokenized by the spaces that they are in. You only ever hear about TWOC after we have been murdered. And in many ways this film is no different. It relies on the difficulty of our lives, it’s fetishizes the way our existence is marked by this world in order to titillate, to entice. The exotic other enchanting the “normal” cis white audience. And they leave the theater thinking that they know something, that they are more familiar with the lives of trans women. But our lives are not like in the movies.

After the last shot and the credits started rolling, I just broke down and cried. All that trauma and pain laid out like that so that people who don’t give a fuck about us, who just want to eat us alive — it was too much. It was so much to be in that audience, hearing their laughter and knowing we are just some fucking joke to them. That the things we face are a fantasy playground they can hang out in and then leave. That our lives only have meaning through the trauma experience. And don’t get me wrong, our trauma is real. But trauma isn’t the only thing about my existence that is real. But it’s the only thing cis folks care to see. Because a trans woman happy and loved is just so fucking weird to be real. Because seeing the full breadth of our lives is too much for people to handle. And because white people cannot help but exploit our lives.

In many ways, this film is similar to Paris is Burning. Brilliant and important and life saving while at the same time exploitative to the actors/subjects. The reviews of this film go on and on about Sean Baker and how he shot this film on a iPhone but where are the interviews asking how Mya Taylor felt shooting this film? Where are all the accolades for Kitana Kiki Rodriguez and her beautiful nuanced performance? Jennie Livingston made out like a bandit from that film and so will Sean Baker from this one. And the system is set up that only a white person could even get the funding for this project. TWOC doing this for ourselves doesn’t get the same level of attention or money. When will we get our coins? When will the work we do, the art we make, the lives we lead be for us, by us? When will white cis people stop exploiting our bodies for their profit?

https://www.autostraddle.com/a-trans-woman-of-color-responds-to-the-trauma-of-tangerine-301607/

[andhumanslovedstories]

what I’ve read 2017 (books 7-10)

Sex on Six Legs: Lessons on Life, Love, and Language from the Insect World, Marlene Zuk

A Time to Dance, Padma Venkatraman

Big Girls Don’t Cry: The Election that Changed Everything for American Women, Rebecca Traister

Get it Done When You’re Depressed: 50 Strategies for Keeping Your Life on Track, Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston

or, God made bugs kinky; we explain so many things through interpretative dance, maybe it’s time for interpretative dance to be explained; no not that election the other election;  and this book about depression made me more depressed

Nonfiction: Sex on Six Legs: Lessons on Life, Love, and Language from the Insect World, by Marlene Zuk (1/15)

  Despite the first part of the title, which is the only part I read before I immediately checked this book out, Sex on Six Legs is in fact about much more than just insect sex. The majority of the book focuses on other aspects of insect communities and relationships, as Zuk takes a plethora on nonsex angles to examine the intricate interdependence of these highly sophisticated social structures. You have to read most of the book to get to the sex, which is good because all of the book is interesting and gosh I’d never thought about the complexities of insects this way and boy does it make you question how humans consider ourselves so unique in our complexity when insects are just as complex while also being staggeringly diverse in that complexity, yes, all of this is true, but I’m not here to lie to you. My main takeaway from this book has to be that, yall, bugs fuck so weird. 

  Yall. 

  Yall. 

  They fuck the weirdest. Bugs fuck like xenophiles aren’t thinking big enough. Bugs read your Mass Effect fanfic and they aren’t impressed by your sex scenes. Gimme them vaginas that store multiple deposits of sperm so that the female can select whichever she wants to fertilize her eggs. Gimme them males who answer the question “what that dick do” with “scoop out my competitor’s sperm, obviously, while ejaculating like someone dropped a mentos in diet coke.” Yall, I find out that ant queens mate once, in a midair orgy as they fly to their new hive, and that’s their store of sperm for the rest of their lives. There’s competitive secret egg fucking. There’s exploding penises. There’s a lot of death. Insect sex (Insex? no. no let’s not go with that) is as diverse and otherworldly as insect social structures are, and a book like this should be mandatory reading for anyone doing science fiction or fantasy world building. The natural world is weirder than your imagination. And Zuk is a good writer to escort you through it, with clear expertise paired with a minimum of jargon, a sense of the best insect anecdotes, and the kind of dry humor you often find in science writing about traditionally esoteric or disgusting subjects—a convivial kind of concession that, yes, this is what I’ve dedicated my life to studying, yes, I can see how that might seem an odd choice, no, I’m not embarrassed in the slightest, now please follow me as we find out what that dick do.

Fiction: A Time to Dance, by Padma Venkatraman (1/16)

  I struggle with books written in verse, largely since I spend the book wondering why it isn’t just written in prose. If I’d noticed A Time to Dance was entirely in verse when I’d picked it up at the library, I might not have brought it home. Having said that, small freeverse chapters do allow you different opportunities for writing style and flow, and Venkatraman takes advantage of both the possibility for increased lyricism and increased fragmentation to convey dance and trauma. The novel centers on Veda, a teenage dancer of Bharatanatyam, an Indian classical dance. Her career is derailed after an accident after a competition costs Veda her right leg. The book covers Veda’s relationship with her body, her family, and her dance, as the accident forces her to dig deeper into the spirituality behind physicality. It’s dance as dance and dance as prayer, which works well (I grudgingly admit) as verse.

Nonfiction: Big Girls Don’t Cry: The Election that Changed Everything for American Women, by Rebecca Traister (1/29)

  I’m going through the books in the order I started them, rather than the order I finished them. Usually they’re the same thing. Sometimes, as is the case here, the book takes a long time to get through. It turns out that this January I was not really feeling reading a book examining the impact of the 2008 election. Especially when the first half was, “Why did Hillary Clinton lose?” Traister opens the book talking about her own conversion from a John Edwards supporter (hey remember when we thought he wasn’t a piece of shit?) who thought Clinton was too compromised a candidate to a Clinton supporter sobbing in public the night Hillary conceded. She talks about the transition of Hillary Rodham to Hillary Clinton and the decades she spent as the lightening rod of feminism in politics, from taking her husband’s name some years after marriage because it was hurting him in the polls, to why Hillary Clinton has always been her most politically popular when she is suffering personal lows. And post 2016, it’s fascinating studying Clinton’s genderless (or probably more accurately, masculine) 2008 campaign, where after a career of focusing on women’s issues, Clinton moved them to the background, to her detriment.

  But it’s not a book about Hillary Clinton. She is the largest figure in it, but Traister analyzes Sarah Palin’s brand of conservative womanhood, the Obama bros and their gender troubles, Michelle Obama (who comes off amazingly in this book, Traister straight up admits that when she was reporting on the campaign she had to call her editor and be like, “I can’t report on this woman any more, I now love her too much”; the analysis of Michelle as reluctant political wife with a complicated relationship to her country is one of the standout sections of the book), media figures like Katie Couric and Rachel Maddow, and one of the parts I found most interesting, Elizabeth Edwards. Elizabeth Edwards, Michelle Obama, and Hillary Clinton form an interesting tryptic of the new political wife—women who are as accomplished as their husband, who are routinely credited as the brains of the partnership, and who struggle publically with traditional femininity (which is especially complicated for Michelle Obama as a black woman) and political ambition.

Nonfiction: Get it Done When You’re Depressed: 50 Strategies for Keeping Your Life on Track, by Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston (1/18)

  I picked up this book because I was starting school again, because I was feeling mature and aware of my problems, because I’ll pick up anything even self-help related. (Sidenote: self-help is my number one guilty pleasure. I’ll read self-help books on whatever, problems I have and problems I don’t. I’ve read about raising your child who has ADHD, about dating after divorce, separating your life from narcissist parents, dating multiple men at once, and reentering the workforce after decades of teaching in academia. My ultimate wish fulfilment is anything that promises me a solution in 300 pages or less. ) 

  The book’s chapters, each a different strategy for being productive while depressed, are a few pages long and rigidly formatted: an explanation of a problem caused by depression, a testimony from someone with depression, a testimony from author Julie Fast on her own experiences with depression, an explanation from Dr. John Preston as to why depressed brains do this, and some advice on implementing the advice. Most of the advice made sense—keep a schedule, get sleep, find the place that you work the best—while other made sense but were also a deep affront to my soul—namely if you can’t do something, just ask someone else to do. The visceral horror I felt reading this advice has forced me to confront how I think about my own and other people’s mental illness. (also an affront: maybe drink less caffeine, which I’m gonna pretend I didn’t read because I’ve been trying to drink less caffeine because it makes me jittery and now I can’t stop taking naps which are taking over my days, so I think jitteriness is less of a detriment than the exhaustion, and by the way, this sequence of trial and error body balancing is perfect microcosm for trying to cope with depression.)

  I’ve had a check tire light on in my car for weeks now, a light that, oh boy, I should do something about, but every aspect of checking the tires, from finding the pressure gauge and actually using it, to figuring out the steps to take if there actually is a problem, seems like so much effort that it’s easier to ignore the problem. Which translates to, it’s easier to force my hand by making the situation a crisis than it is to motivate myself to do preventative maintenance. It’s occurred to me that I could ask Dad to do this for me. Or ask him to at least come with me to the garage. Why don’t I? Answer: because I am capable of handling this tire if I function at my best and make it a priority, because Dad might ask how long this has been a problem and I’ll have to admit that it’s been weeks, because a serious car problem would drain what’s left of my savings, because Dad will be so ashamed of his lazy adult daughter that he’ll never respect or love me again (I never said these were all reasonable excuses.) So I don’t ask him to help with this. And I think less of the author for admitting that she would.

  It’s more acceptable to hate yourself for your mental illness than it is to hate other people, because self-hatred at least allows you to be both victim and victimizer. But I judge people for procrastinating on the things they know they should be doing while I strenuously avoid all my tasks, I judge people for their depression while I keep bursting into tears in parking lots because I don’t want to get out of my car, I judge people for their anxiety while I crank up youtube videos of hand massages so I don’t need to focus on my own thoughts, and I excuse my judgment of others by arguing that I’m no harder on them than I am on myself. And if (when) I am, it’s because clearly I am putting in the work to handle my problems while they aren’t. So I disliked Fast for most of this book. I hated her anecdotes and her honesty. When she talked about how her depression had lost her relationships and profession opportunities, I quickly listed all the ways that way my depression was better than that depression. The book took me longer than I expected to read; it’s hard to speedread when what you’re reading makes you feel ugly.

  I had my epiphany around strategy 45: I hated how she talked about depression in the present tense. I hated how she had a book’s worth of strategies for coping with depression, and she was still depressed. I didn’t (and don’t) want to cope with my depression. I want to not be depressed. But she’s still depressed. And I’m still depressed. And maybe I’m going to be depressed forever. In which case, it’s good for me to remember that loving myself and loving other people are one and the same. Empathy for me is not a high-road, moralistic treatise on how we should behave; it’s simply that when I make the strong effort to love people who do and think the same ways I wish I didn’t, I get better at loving myself. Maybe more useful than the entire book’s worth of strategies was the one that I ended with, my strategy number 51: Forgive us our depression, as we forgive those who are depressed.

  Someone please come help me check my tire.

[wherever-i-look-blog]

Goliath Jackson (Winston James Francis) playing Carmen’s dad in GLOW.

GLOW refocuses on the yet to be developed characters and takes a keen interest in Sheila, Carmen, and a little bit into Tammé.

Sheila

Sheila is not a wolf. She knows she is not a wolf. But something about wolves are empowering to her and that is why she puts on the makeup, the dusty wig, and takes on the persona[note]She’s been doing it for 5 years now.[/note]. If you were looking for an explanation beyond that? Well, good luck.

Commentary

Before the makeup and wig.

After the makeup and wig.

Um, okay. Was I expecting some grand, the wolf is how I channel my power after a tragic incident? Kind of. But I think that thought process stems from the idea that people can’t just be weird. Like, being weird is more so a by-product of trauma. Be it something as small as not having friends to being assaulted. So with it seeming Sheila is weird because that’s just who she is, I appreciate it. I also appreciate how Ruth just accepts this. It takes a little time, but she understands through something happening to her and her channeling Anne of Green Gables to see her through.

Carmen: Carmen, Rhonda

Carmen explaining to Rhonda (Kate Nash) that she stares at her breasts since she hasn’t seen any but her own and her brother’s.

As noted, Carmen comes from a wrestling family. Her dad is a wrestler, her brothers are a wrestler, but she isn’t allowed to be. Goliath Jackson, her father, expects her to live a normal life. He wants her to meet a nice man, get a respectable job, and let that be it. However, Carmen grew up around wrestling and loves it.

I mean, since her mom left, this is the most women Carmen has ever been around. Perhaps one of the few times she has had female friends. At least her friendship with Rhonda (Kate Nash) makes that seem so. Much less her ability and desire to be kind to Ruth despite the homewrecker moniker. So at the age of 25, she decides she isn’t going to continue to deal with her dad’s hypocrisy and she is sticking with GLOW.

Commentary

When I look on IMDB and see the genre tags of “Comedy, Drama” I find myself trying to understand how this show is either. It’s not that funny and while we get touching moments like what Carmen had, it doesn’t fit what drama traditionally holds. Though, in general, this isn’t a traditional show, right? So why expect its version of what’s funny to be something that cracks any and all people up? Much less, I find myself having to remember that not every show or movie is pushing for awards. Sometimes they are just trying to provide entertainment.

Which I know seems off topic when it comes to Carmen, but hear me out. When it comes to Carmen, she is sort of the first character who tows the line between comedic and dramatic. Being that this show is dealing with stereotypes, misogyny, and also womanhood, she is perhaps one of the few who can take a joke, is treated like a joke, but has feelings too.

We sort of saw that in Melrose, but she has become pure comic relief at this point. So Carmen, be it helping with someone else’s struggle or her own, is the only one who brings both a sort of goofy comic appeal while being involved in emotional storylines. Even if it is something as simple as threatening to leave her dad like her mom did.

Offensive & Difficult: Tammé, Ruth, Debbie

Tammé (Kia Stevens) talking to Keith, Cherry’s husband, about working with Sam.

Tammé (Kia Stevens) was cool playing the Welfare Queen for a minute. However, with a son in Stanford and it really hitting her this character will be on TV, she has some thoughts. But being that Sam doesn’t care about political correctness and thinks the commentary is wonderful, he doesn’t want to budge. In fact, he gives some of his tapes to Tammé so she can understand who she is working with. Thus leading to a Blood Disco viewing with the girls, and Keith.

Someone Tammé asks about working with Sam. For she is really trying to understand if the man is racist, just plain insensitive, or maybe she is in her feelings. Which leads to Keith saying Sam is more sexist than racist. Thus answering that question.

As for Debbie? Well, same old same old. She can’t deal with her husband much anymore, he refuses to leave the house, so she leaves. Making this whole Sam and Sebastian, “Commune at a motel for awhile” thing a blessing. She, unlike the other girls, gets her own room, there is a pool and enough space for baby Randy. Unfortunately though, living at the motel, a mandatory thing if anyone wants to get paid, means seeing Ruth.

Yet, with no friends, even among the girls, maybe Ruth may have to do. Yes, she is the mistress of her marriage. However, she was nice once. They could maybe be friends again. Not today, not tomorrow, but with some time.

Commentary

Touching on the gimmick thing, a part of me honestly wonders if Stevens ever was approached with such a character. For I can truly picture WWE, especially in the 90s, perhaps putting a character out like this. Back when they were trashy and wonderful. But while on that thought, I do feel compelled to wonder what is Stevens take on all this? After all, she is the only one of the reoccurring cast members, that I know of, that was an actual wrestler. So I do wonder if this story mirrors hers or if the characters mirror people she has worked with [note]I honestly wish, in my own way, this was her show at times.[/note].

As for the Debbie situation? I won’t be a broken record. I’ll just note that I am looking to see how Ruth ends up back on good terms with her. It isn’t on the top of my list of what I’d like to see by the end of the season, but it’s somewhere near the bottom.

#GLOW: Season 1/ Episode 4 "The Dusty Spur" - Recap/ Review (with Spoilers) GLOW refocuses on the yet to be developed characters and takes a keen interest in Sheila, Carmen, and a little bit into Tammé.