#At least Zoe had a nice trip to the hospital :)

[yuckyicicles]

Uh oh

[sparkywrites25]

Mobuhan Modern au pls 🫶🏼

I am so so sorry for how late this is. So much for aiming to get things done in a few weeks. Work and life just took me away.

Summary: Moblit gets a call he never likes to receive.

Pairing: Mobuhan

Taglist: @youre-ackermine @lunar-rainclouds @4melo-dy @captain-natey

Trigger Warnings: heavy depiction of anxiety, mentions of injury and brief mention of transphobia

Notes: If you like my work and want to see more then please join my taglist. Form is pinned on my blog.

Mobilit’s attention jumped from pan to pan, brows furrowing in concentration as he examined the progress of each one. The cooked bolognese mince was sitting comfortably on a low, steady heat waiting for the rest to catch up. Next to it, the pan of spaghetti was bubbling nicely. Mobilit swiftly turned down the heat on it and addressed the final pot with the cooking broccoli in it. That too was almost finished. With a satisfied smile, he began to unload the food into large bowls ready for their placement on the dining table. 

He checked the clock. 6pm. 

Hange would be arriving home any minute. They’d assured him that they would not be pulling a late one tonight. It had been too many weeks since they’d enjoyed a meal like this together. Takeaways and ready meals had become too much of the norm for them over the last month so Mobilit had insisted on using his day off to catch up on some errands at home and cook them a meal himself. The red wine was chilling in the fridge and some hot bread sat in the air fryer nearby. 

Mobilit grinned to himself as he remembered how excitable Hange had been over the air fryer, and how much electricity they had promised they would save by using it. The actual oven had been removed from the kitchen and placed in Hange’s home lab. They had insisted that it could still form some kind of purpose for scientific advancements in their experiments. Which meant that the electricity saved wasn’t actually going to be saved, ultimately, but at least the appliance would find another use. 

Once everything was in their bowls and plates, ready to be carried to the table, Mobilit switched the appliances off and wiped up the surfaces. He was just getting the wine out of the fridge ready to pour when his phone rang. Mobilit tensed up as he placed the bottle down at once. 

Oh for god’s sakes, not again, he mentally prayed as he answered the call. It took him half a second to realize that the number wasn’t Hange’s and he exhaled in relief. 

“Hello?” he asked in a fairly cheery voice. 

“Is this Mobilit Berner?” a male voice spoke. 

“Yeah. Who is this?”

“This is Mitras General Hospital. I’m calling about your partner Hange Zoe.”

Mobilit’s stomach and appetite dropped out of him at the same time. The air was punched from his lungs and for a moment, he couldn’t breathe. His vision blurred in front of him and suddenly he wasn’t sure that his legs would hold him up. His free hand scrambled for the counter and clutched onto it. 

“W-what about them? What’s happened?” he fired the questions out in a stumbling mess. His brain was already contemplating some scenarios and creating painful visuals along with it. Hange having picked an argument with the wrong person. Hange being cornered on a quiet street. Hange having experimented with too many chemicals and having an allergic reaction in their skin or something. Hange stepping out into the road at the wrong time because they were too busy thinking of ideas around whatever stumbling block they’d hit at work. Hange just simply tripping and falling into a moving bus or something. 

“Hange’s been injured in a laboratory accident at their workplace,” the receptionist - Mobilit assumed anyway - answered. “There was an explosion and-”

“Oh god!” Mobilit cried out, slumping against the counter. More images flew through his head one by one; violent images of Hange blistered, bleeding and screaming or Hange lying in hospital with missing limbs. His chest constricted and he grit his teeth to force back the cry that threatened to rip out of him. 

A vicious, violent accident had put Hange in danger and it had happened at work. Worse, this was a line of work where that sort of thing could happen. That reminder stabbed through Mobilit’s insides. This could happen again and again. This could be something he’d have to live with. What if next time Hange didn’t just get injured? What it it killed them?

“How bad is it?” he managed to get out finally. 

“They’ve suffered some superficial burns on the face and arms but those are very shallow and will heal in a week or so.” 

Mobilit bent his head, offering gratitude to whatever deity might be out there that had given Hange superficial injuries. He forced himself to focus on the receptionist once again as the man began to speak once more.

“From what we understand, they weren’t standing directly next to the chemicals when the explosion happened.” 

A small bubble of relief began to grow in Mobilit’s chest. Another mercy was granted to him, at least. Although, his brain offered in its wicked voice, the mercy wouldn’t have been down to Hange being particularly careful. They were just lucky. In another scenario, it could have gone very differently. The relief was instantly swallowed up in a wave of horror-struck imagination. 

“But still, the force of it threw them across the lab and they broke their arm.” The receptionist continued after another pause.

 Mobilit appreciated that he was delivering the news in processable chunks. Of course he probably has to do this, and worse, every day, Mobilit thought abstractedly. That must be one of the worst parts of that job; having to tell people that their loved one is dead or dying or seriously injured or ill. He tried to snatch some gratitude that at least he wasn’t being told any news that was worse. Even so, anxiety gnawed away at him and he could barely find it in him to refocus on the conversation.

“They have hit their head, though, as a result. So we’ll be monitoring that injury for a few days. However all the tests so far have come back clear.”

Mobilit tried to take the rest of this in but, primarily, he felt himself sagging closer to the floor in another wave of relief. “They’re going to be okay?” he sounded breathless and his stomach flipped over and over itself uneasily. 

“They will make a full recovery, yes. We’re keeping them in for observation and monitoring the healing process of the burns more than anything else.”

“Okay, I understand,” Mobilit scrambled to say as he ran a hand over his face. “Thanks for letting me know. Where are they?”

“They’ve been assigned a private room, number 14 on the second floor. They’re still being treated right now so you might have to wait outside,” he was advised. 

Mobilit’s mind switched off and autopilot took over. He made the remaining pleasantries with the receptionist and ended the call. He wasn’t fully aware of packing the food away into containers, making sure the appliances were switched off and giving the surfaces a last wipe. Perhaps other people might not have prioritized such things in the wake of such a call but the act of cleaning up helped to get him moving and it felt good to be doing something for now. 

Once it was all taken care of, he grabbed his phone and car keys and hurried towards the door. 

— — — — — — —

The clinical smell of the hospital made Mobilit’s throat close up. He took no comfort from the clean scents or the smiling, reassuring faces of the staff that he passed. It was all a charade to cover up the fact that people were ill here, that some of them were dying. That bones had been broken and lives had been changed, maybe forever, in this place. He walked through it all with an increasing detachment, turning his head away from the worried loved ones, sitting around in the same position that he was about to be in. He ignored the tears in some eyes and the despair that poured from their faces as they clung to their friends and family members, mourning the state of things and cursing the events that had brought them here when they could have been doing something else. When they could have been happy. 

And yet it was all imprinting on his mind, so clearly that he could have painted the scene with very little concentration on his memory. Imagining people’s pain forever painted onto canvas somewhere. But then it was there, in so many works of art. Artists didn’t shy away from such things but right now Mobilit wished that he could. 

They’re going to be fine. It’s not like they’re ill or dying. They’re gonna walk out of here in a couple of days. He had to repeat this mantra in his head as he rode the elevator to the second floor. He continued with it all the way down the hall towards the waiting area near room 14. 

Nifa, Erwin and Levi were waiting outside the room when Mobilit finally reached them. Erwin and Nifa were perched on two seats on a string of colourful plastic chairs. Levi leaned against the wall, arms folded and brow furrowed in an expression that many would mistake for anger but Mobilit knew well enough to recognize as concern. The door to the room was closed and the blinds were drawn for now. Mobilit felt his anxiety surge upward as he stared at the covered window intently. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Erwin and Nifa straighten up. He turned to them and saw that Nifa’s left arm was in a cast. One side of her face was still quite red although the lack of bandages told Mobilt that at least her face wasn’t considered to be all that injured. 

She swallowed, her eyes wide and anxious as she stared into Mobilit’s face. 

“You called them,” Mobilit remarked as he approached her. 

“Yeah,” Nifa confirmed. “I’m sorry. I was nervous about calling you so the receptionist said that they would do it.”

“It’s okay, Nifa,” Mobilit placed a hand gently on her uninjured elbow. “Are you okay? You look like you took a nasty hit.” Looking over his friend was hard but it gave him something to do other than stare at the door and wait to be allowed to see Hange. 

“I’m fine,” Nifa assured him. “I was further away from the explosion. I just fell badly.”

Mobilit nodded. Anxiety continued to grow inside his stomach like one of those elastic band balls that people built when they were bored and it, ultimately, grew to be quite weighty. It brought an increasing feeling of nausea with it too. “What happened exactly, Nifa? Hange said that they weren’t staying late today.”

The subject chased some of the anxiety out of Nifa’s expression and her brow furrowed in instant focus. 

“It was just after four,” Nifa recalled, “and Hange said they were gonna finish early so we didn’t start any new testing after 3pm. We were just waiting on this last concoction to finish boiling so we could test its effectiveness after being heated. But something must have gone wrong with the glass. The liquid must have spilled somehow. Maybe it splashed out of the glass. It’s hard to know for sure because the explosion took a lot of equipment out when it happened.” She tucked some hair behind her ear and stared down at the ground. 

Erwin stepped forward, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Take your time. The CCTV will determine what happened soon enough.”

“Yeah,” Nifa agreed, a miserable expression filling her face now. “I just wish I could have seen it. I could have stopped it.”

“If Hange had seen it, they would have removed it from the danger area,” Erwin comforted her. “It sounds like it was just one of those things. You can’t always predict them.”

“I’m sure this wasn’t your fault, Nifa,” Mobilit gently took her uninjured elbow in his hands. “They said Hange has some facial burns,” he said after a pause. “Did they notice something before it happened? Were they going to check on it?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Nifa answered. “They weren’t expecting it to be ready yet. They were just cleaning up another table while they were waiting.”

“Huh. Hange was cleaning.” Levi scoffed from behind Erwin. 

Nifa smiled. “They were bored. Normally we’d have another testing on the go at the same time. They had some time to kill.”

“And some germs, apparently,” Levi quipped. 

“So Hange wasn’t trying to go near it,” Mobilit sought out confirmation, gazing intently at Nifa who nodded. But it was Erwin who spoke next. 

“Perhaps you could leave any further questions until later, Mobilit. There’s not much more to learn about how this happened.”

Mobilit nodded and squeezed Nifa’s arm gently. “Yeah, of course. I’m sorry. Nifa,” he said in a quiet but sincerely apologetic murmur. “I really am. I just… I guess I just want to try and picture what happened. I just keep imagining-” he cut off his sentence and pulled back. 

“Don’t go there,” Erwin recommended in a gentler tone. “Hange will be fine. They were lucky.”

“Yeah,” Nifa said encouragingly. “The lab will look at the CCTV and see what exactly started it. Once they tell us, we can take even more precautions.” She smiled into Mobilit’s worried eyes. “I know Hange’s really passionate about their work but we both know that they do take precautions too. We just need to do a few more next time we look at that test. We’ll figure it out and, at least for now, Hange will have to take things easier.”

“You both should,” Levi had moved over to join them. “You and Shitty Glasses are always working too hard. I’m surprised Rico isn’t here already.”

Suddenly Nifa’s eyes ballooned and Mobilit stared into the redhead’s guilty face. A chuckle rose out of his throat despite the circumstances. “You haven’t told Rico,”  he said.

“No… I was too preoccupied with calling people about Hange,” Nifa said biting her lip. She sighed and squared her shoulders. “I’m gonna do it now. Hopefully she won’t freak,” she added as she pulled out her phone and went to take a seat. Mobilit watched her type in a number and then hold the phone to her ears. 

“If Hange’s missed any safety precautions and Rico gets wind of that,” Levi mused, folding his arms, “then Hange’s gonna be in the right place.”

“Levi,” Erwin chided. 

He returned to his seat, beckoning for Mobilit to join him but the shorter man shook his head, running a hand through his hair agitatedly. The nerves and the knowledge that Hange was behind the door receiving treatment, that they were so injured, had bubbled up again during his conversation with the others. Now there was that sinking, overwhelming feeling again, like not being able to tread water. He took a few deep breaths and turned away from the door. 

Levi took his arm. It wasn’t a terribly firm hold but the way Levi’s fingers dug in suggested that he might press harder if Mobilit were to try and throw him off. “Hey,” he told Mobilit. “Breathe. They’re going to be fine.” 

Mobilit tilted his head back to look at the ceiling. “I know,” he mused. “It’s just that… I forget how dangerous this job can be for them.”

“That’s true but it’s also what Hange is good at,” Levi reasoned. “They got unlucky today but they have made significant advancements in medication thanks to their experiments,” he reminded Mobilit. “You’ve been a part of them all so you know. Those tablets that cut Covid down by a few days? The syrup that takes care of the flu within 48 hours? These all came from your partner’s brain and skill.”

“Levi’s right,” Erwin added. “It’s dangerous work but in Hange’s hands it’s also successful work.”

Mobilit nodded, slumping a little as he began to slowly pace in front of Hange’s room. “Yeah… I do understand that,” he said quietly. He understood it very well. He worked with them on this. He knew how passionate they felt about their work and how valuable they were. He didn’t want to be that guy that demanded Hange chose between him and their work. If he was 100% honest with himself, he wasn’t sure Hange would be able to turn their back on something that was such a huge aspect of their life. Asking them to do that would only end up breeding resentment anyway even if they did do it. 

Besides, he loved their passion and their ideas and that completely chaotic drive to do some good in the world. As he considered this, a slight smile played on his lips. Hange wouldn’t be Hange without their love of experiments and seeking out knowledge. They were born to do this sort of thing, to be bold enough to chase down those possibilities. 

It just meant that he had to keep reminding himself that Hange was walking - no, let’s be honest, they were skipping - down a dangerous road. He had always known this from the moment they had chosen to become more than friends. No one could say that he didn’t know the risks. Ugh, just get it together, Mobilit kicked himself mentally. They’re gonna be fine. The receptionist told you that. It’s nothing too serious. Yet, even while he tried to remind himself of that, another voice, one far nastier, began to speak up. 

What if it happens again? What if next time you’re not so lucky? What if next time, they’re not giving you a list of whatever meds they’ll need but a death certificate. 

Mobilit stopped pacing at once. The idea was so horrific and yet so painfully plausible. The thought made him feel viciously sick and he pursed his lips, convinced that he might actually throw up with the bubbling fear that was shooting up his throat right now. He looked up and along the corridor, quickly spotting the doorway to a bathroom. He broke into a fast walk, making a beeline for it.

“Mobilit!” He heard Erwin call after him but he was too occupied to pay him much attention.

— — — — — — —

When he emerged from the toilet stall, Erwin was waiting by the sink. Mobilit washed his face and the cool water helped to ground his uneasy levels of anxiety. He threw more water over his skin, chasing the comforting sensation. 

After a moment, he felt a strong hand on his shoulder. He flinched instantly.

“Just breathe,” Erwin told him.

Mobilit stared up at him. He hadn’t even seen that the man was in here with him. The fact that he hadn’t even noticed Erwin was somewhat surprising considering the man’s size. However, it didn’t entirely surprise him that the man could keep himself out of anyone’s focus if he so pleased. It was kind of a terrifying skill to have but not one Mobilit wanted to dwell on right now. 

 “Just one breath at a time. Don’t think. Just breathe.” Erwin advised. He inhaled deeply himself, gesturing for Mobilit to mimic him. 

Mobilit did so, taking in a deep breath of air and held it in for a moment before copying Erwin’s exhale. They did that together a few more times before Mobilit began to feel the overwhelming feeling begin to settle. Clarity returned to him gradually as well.

“Feeling calmer?” Erwin asked and Mobilit nodded. 

“Thanks.”

“No worries,” Erwin said. “I figured you’d want to calm yourself down before you go in and see Hange.”

Mobilit straightened up. “Can I go in now?”

“Yes, a doctor came out just as you left. Levi is speaking to him now. I’m sure he’s asking about the cleanliness of the room and the quality of the supplies in relation to whatever budget the hospital has,” Erwin answered. He spoke the last part with a smile that eased Mobilit a little. 

“I guess the doctor won’t be hanging around then,” he managed to joke feebly. 

“No, I shouldn’t think so,” Erwin smiled. “But Levi can tell us what he said anyway.”

“Yeah. I just really need to see Hange right now.” Mobilit said.

“Of course,” Erwin gestured for him to exit the bathroom ahead of him, “just try and stay calm. Remember, they weren’t too badly hurt. They’re going to be okay.”

Mobilit tried to focus on that as he left the bathroom and stepped out into the corridor again. He began the walk towards Hange’s door, a walk that felt so long the more he thought about it. He was about to see Hange and see for himself that they were okay. Why wasn’t he excited about it? Why did his stomach feel like it was going to empty itself? Why did his legs feel this wobbly? It wasn’t the first time Hange had been hurt and - while he hated to think it - it probably wouldn’t be the last. He just needed to get used to it. 

Levi was waiting outside the door, noticeably alone, leaning against the wall. Nifa was sat near him, still on the phone to Rico. Levi eyed Mobilit thoughtfully as he approached. “I hope you cleaned up in there,” he muttered although the words had none of their usual harshness. 

It was enough for Mobilit to crack a smile. “Of course I did.” 

Levi nodded to the door. “We’ll wait out here,” he said. He then looked to Nifa. “Or we can take her for some tea. It sounds like Rico isn’t too happy,” he mused. 

Mobilit glanced over to Nifa who was grimacing and speaking her quickly and lovingly down the phone. “Can’t say I blame her,” he remarked. “Nifa could have been a lot worse as well.” 

At last, he returned his attention to the door of Hange’s room and pushed at it, stepping inside. 

— — — — — — —

Well, this bites, Hange huffed to themself as they stared out of the window with their uncovered eye. 

Not that the other eye was missing much outside of the glass. It wasn’t even a good view. All they could see were constant columns of grey corporate building, their windows plastered with colourful posters promoting the usual lies and propaganda of billion dollar companies that were destroying the planet one office at a time. Hange’s fists clenched in the bedsheets for a moment as they gritted their teeth. Instantly half of their facial muscles twinged and they eased up on the expression instantly. 

That’s going to be a pain. Hange acknowledged. Being an emotionally expressive person and having half of their face being sore and tender for a week or so were not going to be friendly bedfellows. They looked down at the menu list for dinner soon and sighed. 

I was supposed to be having dinner with Moblit tonight. He was making his spaghetti bolognese. I love his spaghetti. That man is an artist in the kitchen too. Instead, I’m gonna be stuck here eating whatever processed crap they serve up. With a heavy sigh, they leaned back against the pillows and ran a hand down the uninjured side of their face. They’ll have called him by now. He’s gonna freak. I promised him I wouldn’t be late. It’s his day off too. Who wants to spend that in here?

They’d been careful today. So fucking careful. It had been too long since they had had a date night and almost as long since they’d last eaten Mobilit’s cooking. It was the nature of Hange’s job that things tended to get intense and all-consuming very quickly. Anything else tended to take a back seat. But they and Mobilit had recognized that. They’d made plans to take time for themselves. All through the day Hange had kept her mind on how long things would take to finish and what they could do instead to fill up the hours before leaving early that wouldn’t involve starting a new test. It was all supposed to be straight forward and that stupid explosion had fucked things up for them. 

I’m amazed that he doesn’t lose patience with me. Hange reflected as they tapped their fingers on the table hovering over their legs. But then that was Mobilit. He’d been by their side, putting up with a lot of shit for years now. 

The door opened again and Hange’s attention whipped towards it just as Mobilit stepped inside and closed the door. They beamed at him and waved with one hand. That was another thing that would be hell to get used to. Managing with a broken arm. They already missed their double wave. 

“Mobilit,” they greeted softly with a smile that disappeared as soon as Hange saw their boyfriend’s eyes. 

They were glassy and filled with so much pain and fear that any confident, quirky quip that Hange might have conjured instantly died in their mouth. Their own face tightened with immediate guilt. I did this to him. Worrying about me again has done this. 

His shoulders were trembling, not a great deal but enough for them to notice. They watched as Mobilit’s eyes roamed over their injuries, lingering briefly on their face before dropping to take in the sling that currently held Hange’s left arm. With every second, the anxiety seemed to bloom more across his features. Hange saw his fists clench and his jaw tighten. They recognised those signs instantly. 

“This isn’t something you could have prevented,” Hange told him in as calm a voice as they could manage. “It was just an accident, Mobilit. I’m gonna be fine.”

“Just an accident?” Mobilit repeated, his voice cracking. “Are you being serious?”

It had been the wrong thing to say and Hange grimaced. “I’m not playing it down.”

“Yes you are,” the retort that came back so quickly was angry and it surprised Hange. Mobilit’s chest was starting to heave. “Yes, you are,” he repeated. “It happened and it’s a big deal, Hange.” Their boyfriend stepped forward, grabbing the nearest plastic blue seat and pulling it towards the side of their bed. The left side, Hange noted, closest to their heart. It was sweet and they wanted to smile but right now, faced with Mobilit’s anger, Hange forced that smile back for the time being. “You’re about to tell me that it could have been worse, right?” he asked and the pain in his voice was evident. 

“Yeah,” Hange admitted. “I’d rather focus on the fact that it wasn’t. I was lucky.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Another crack in Mobilit’s voice. “I have to think that we’re lucky because you only ended up here with a broken arm and some burns? That’s not lucky, Hange. That’s you being hurt!” he snapped. Tears shone in his eyes. “You being hurt is never lucky.”

Hange itched to reach out to him but he was sitting on their injured side. “Okay that was a bad choice of words-”

“Hange!” Mobilit’s voice came out as a dry sob. “Just stop! Stop trying to make this okay! It’s not okay!” He bowed his head and clasped his hands over his face. “God, this is not okay, Hange. It’s not.” His shoulders shook and Hange’s heart broke a little for him. 

Hange couldn’t remember ever having seen Mobilit this anxious before. He always worried so much about their welfare and their safety. Things that, admittedly, were not high on Hange’s list of priorities and they never really had been. Such things took up too much room in their head that could be better filled with ideas and possibilities and combinations. 

Hange had been that kid experimenting with dangerous stunts or homemade scientific concoctions as a child. They had had their fair share of hospital visits back then too. Even then, they hadn’t been terribly afraid of the pain or the healing although it had certainly been inconvenient for their relentless curiosity and determination to explore and investigate. It was just normal for them to handle things this way. Their parents had been worried about it at the time, back when they had been someone her parents could approve of. Back when they had accepted them as their child. They had supported Hange’s curiosities and strong scientific mind and forgave the occasional hospital visits. 

It was just their gender identity, that they couldn’t forgive. Their so-called “decision” to be different. Their ultimate rejection had been a lesson in being careful who to trust, after that. Hange was lucky in that they had accepting friends to help them through it. They had moved in with Erwin and Levi for a while as soon as they left home at 17. A year later, Erwin had introduced them to Mobilit. Life had transformed for the better since leaving that house. 

Mobilit had shown concern about the risks of Hange’s experiments and their tendency to overlook the risks right from the beginning. Hange liked to call him their worrier. He worried so they didn’t have to. But seeing him now, guilt churned away inside their stomach. How much of that worrying had stayed inside Mobilit eating away at him?

“I’m sorry,” Hange reached out their uninjured hand and smiled when Mobilit slid his into it. “I’m sorry,” they said again. “I know this isn’t okay. How much you worry.” They stroked the backs of his fingers with their thumb gently. “I’m just trying to focus on the positives. It could have been a lot worse and I’m grateful that it wasn’t.”

“Me too,” Mobilit mumbled. “I am. It’s just that it could have gone the other way so easily, Hange.” 

“Mobilit,” Hange kept their voice gentle as they squeezed his hand. “Thoughts like that don’t help. If we worry about what could happen, we’d never live our lives. You could go to the store tomorrow and get hit by a bus,” they explain. “We could take a vacation and get scammed out of all our money. We could get sick. Our house could burn down.” They exhaled gently. “It’s a rabbit hole but you can’t go down it. Look at what it’s doing to you.”

Hange lifted Mobilit’s hand to kiss it. “How long have you been holding back your worries, Mobilit?” they questioned. 

Mobilit lifted his face to theirs with a confused frown. “Since I got that call this afternoon.” His brows furrowed deeper. “How did you expect me to react? Am I just supposed to shrug it off now? To be used to you getting hurt?”

His partner shook their head. “No. I’m not saying that. But Mobilit, this feels like it’s been going on longer. You sound like you’ve been carrying this for a while.” 

Mobilit’s eyes shifted away from theirs and his frown deepened. “I… I always have to worry because you don’t,” he mumbled. “Someone has to.” One of his hands lifted to run through his hair, his eyes squeezing shut with obvious frustration. His shoulders sagged even lower and Hange’s heart went out to him. This was the worst they had ever seen him react to one of their accidents at work. Some of it had to be build up from previous concerns. They had been injured worse than this before. 

“Do they?” Hange asked. They kissed his fingers again. “Caring and concern are one thing but this… Mobilit, this is anxiety and it’s not healthy for you.”

Their boyfriend stared at them for a moment or two, blinking slowly. “Really?” he asked. “Really?! You’re lecturing me on what’s not healthy from a hospital bed? Because it’s so healthy to disregard your own safety.” Mobilit’s sheer disbelief seemed to chase a great deal of the anxiety from his face for the moment. Hange welcomed that distraction for however long it lasted. Seeing some of the pain leaving his face was a very good thing. 

Hange’s lips twitched into a smile. 

Mobilit stared at them like that for a moment before a small smile began to take over. “You’re unbelievable,” he mused softly. “You’re really something else, you know?” He lifted his hand and brought theirs to his lips softly. He exhaled again, this time releasing a weak laugh with it. “You’re such a pain,” he joked. 

Hange smiled wider this time. “Yes but I’m your pain.” 

“Yes you are,” Mobilit’s smile was growing as well. “Although I could very much live without these trips to hospital, you know?” He pointed out, cupping their hand in both of his. “And we both have much better ways of spending our time, don’t you think?” He sighed, his features relaxing more although some of the anxiety still lingered in his eyes. “So, if you could very kindly spare just a little of that massive brain of yours into taking more care,” he suggested and heaved a dramatic sigh, “I’d really appreciate it very much.”

Hange nodded emphatically. “I’ll try and be more careful, Mobilit,” they assured him. “I promise.”

“Good.” Mobilit leaned forward, resting his elbows on the bed. He eyed the bandages over half of Hange’s face and lifted their hand for another kiss. “I really wanna kiss you but I guess your hand will have to do for now,” he remarked. 

“I wish you could,” Hange complained quietly. “My face is stupid sensitive right now.”

“At least the burns aren’t too bad, so the doctors say,” Mobilit answered. 

“Yeah they’re just enough to be a pain but they won’t leave lasting damage,” Hange told him. “Not gonna lie. A few burns might have given me more of a badass edge in the science department but ah well, I can live without it.”

Mobilit bowed his head, releasing a laugh of mingled amusement and exasperation. “You’re a freaking maniac.”

Hange grinned and then winced at the pain in their cheek at the movement of their mouth. “Yeah well, you still love me right?”

“Of course I love you,” Mobilit stroked their hand in his. “I’m never gonna stop loving you.”

“And I love you,” Hange’s smile softened, easing the pain in their cheek. “I promise to be more careful. And at least we can take some positives from this.”

“Yeah?” 

“I’m gonna be home for a little while now thanks to this stupid thing.” Hange gestured to their sling. “So I hope you’re prepared for me to drive you a little crazy.” 

“Hange,” Mobilit laughed a truly happy sound, “you already drive me a LOT crazy. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

[afternoonteawithme]

Messy Crayon Wishes

(Read it on AO3)

As Levi started up the path towards the creaky old two-story home that held Eren’s daycare, he was glad to see the kid didn’t seem to be showing any signs of distress. Sitting on the porch swing beside his favorite teacher, he looked animated as ever, with his mittened hands waving through the air while he chattered away at Petra.

When her patiently amused gaze shifted up to meet Levi’s, Eren’s head whipped around.

“Levi!” Eren’s face lit up. Scooting forward, he slid off the bench and started running.

The brat hadn’t bothered to put his shoes on again.  

With the ease of long experience, Levi moved quickly to catch the kid before he threw himself off the porch.

Lifting Eren up onto his hip, Levi glanced up at Petra as she stood on the top step, her arms wrapped around herself against the cold.

“Are we all set?”

She nodded. “Yes, Mikasa called and let us know you’d be the one coming for him.” As Eren’s adoptive sister’s biological cousin, Levi wasn’t legally related to him, so even though everyone at the daycare knew their situation they all had to observe the formalities.

“Good.” He looked down at the kid. “You ready?”

Eren threw his hands up in the air as he beamed up at Levi. “Let’s go!”

Levi raised a brow. “Uh-huh. What about your boots?”

Eren’s mouth formed an ‘o’ of surprise as he stuck out a foot and stared at his bright blue sock.

“Oops.” He looked back up, and as the surprise slid away, the look that replaced it told Levi exactly what he was planning on saying next. “Shi-“

Levi’s finger under his chin cut him off.

The brat grinned up at him. “Shoot!”

“Right.” Shaking his head, Levi leaned forward to set Eren back down on the porch. “Go put on your boots.”

“Okay.” The kid scampered back inside, and Levi looked up at Petra.

She had a hand over her mouth, but he could still see the smile on her face.

“He’d better not be doing that all the time.”

She shook her head. “No. Only when you’re around.” She laughed. “But I think he might have overheard Zoe today when they dropped a jar of paint. I saw him mouthing something to himself afterwards, so I’m pretty sure he was memorizing some new words to try out.”

“Great.” Levi huffed out a breath. “I’ll avoid taking him anyplace with too many people for a while.”

“Sorry.”

Levi shook his head. “He’ll forget it all soon enough.” In any case, both he and Mikasa slipped enough that he was surprised the kid didn’t swear more. “And thank you for keeping him so late this afternoon, Mikasa told me you were supposed to shut early today.”

“It’s okay. He’s a fun kid.”

“He is that.”

“Um, by the way. About tonight.” Petra tightened her arms around herself. “I guess you won’t be able to make it, after all?”

Levi blinked. “Why not? I told Mikasa I’d already promised to do something this evening so I could only look after him for a little while. You said you needed help at your new place, right?”

Her eyes searched his face for a moment, before shifting to the side. “Well actually, I have a thing tonight. So I can’t.”

“A thing?”

“Yeah. A thing. With my parents. Christmas Eve and all.” She laughed, though it sounded a little odd. “I’d forgotten all about it.”

“I thought your parents were driving back into town tomorrow afternoon?”

Her eyes flashed back to his, and she looked surprised, for some reason. She huffed out a laugh. This one didn’t sound quite so forced. “I got it mixed up.”

She sighed, and glanced back at the still closed front door before moving down to the bottom step, only a foot away from Levi. “Eren was acting a little strange this morning, so I called his house to find out if he’d had one of his fevers, and Mr. Yeager-” She cut herself off as Eren came stomping back out with boots on.

“Ready!”

“Got everything?”  Levi leaned down to pick him up and settle him back on his hip.

“Yep.”

Levi looked up at Petra. She’d backed up a step and was shifting uncomfortably. “Mr. Yeager sounded…unwell.” Glancing down at Eren, she bit her lip. “And a little upset. So when he didn’t show to pick up Eren when he was supposed to I… and Mikasa told me she’s on the long shift today. I just was thinking it’d be better if Eren had another place to stay tonight.”

“Got it.” Levi felt the small arms tighten around his neck, and a wave of familiar anger ran through his gut. Petra was saying – as delicately as possible – that the bastard had sounded drunk, and violent with it. She had no way of knowing that Eren was well aware of all the euphemisms for his father’s particular illness. “Then it’s lucky your parents are in town this evening, after all. Let me know If you still need help with the heavy lifting. Or I can come over one afternoon and get it done while you’re at work, if that’s easier.”

“Sure, Levi.” She smiled softly, even as she retreated backwards, up another stair. “See you around.”

 --

 “You idiot. That had nothing to do with ‘heavy lifting’. She’s been trying to seduce you.”

“That’s impossible, Mikasa.” Levi glanced in the rearview mirror. Eren was staring out the window, his lips moving and his feet bopping along to whatever music was coming out of the headphones Levi had jammed over his head before they’d set out. “She just needed help moving some stuff, that’s all.”

Mikasa snorted, the sound clear and disdainful as it poured out of Levi’s phone on the dash of his car. “It’s Christmas Eve, moron. She pretended her parents were out of town. She moved into her new place months ago and now all of a sudden she has all these still packed boxes she needs help moving? Petra? I don’t think so.”

“It’s not like that. She said she just needed some help with the last few boxes, and then she wanted someone to test the dinner she was making for her parents for tomorrow, since she’d never made it before.”

“Yeah, and then she’d probably pull out a bottle of wine and be all like ‘Oh you’ve helped me so much, let me treat you to a glass as a thank you.’” Mikasa’s voice lilted in a bad imitation of Petra. “And then she’d say ‘why don’t we just finish this bottle?’, and then she’d strip herself naked and drag you off to bed for a fun night of Christmas sex.”

Levi shot a glance back at Eren, relieved to find him still staring out the window. The distraction wouldn’t last, he knew, but at least he wouldn’t have to explain that particular word just yet. “Petra isn’t interested in me like that.”  

“Uh-huh. This is the woman who ‘tripped’ over nothing and landed in your lap at last month’s reading night at the library?”

“That was an accident.”

“Right. And that time you went over to fix her leaky pipe that turned out to be nothing, did she or did she not call you into her bedroom to help her zip up her dress, said dress being almost completely nonexistent and her wearing nothing but skimpy undies underneath?”

“It wasn’t underwear, it was some sort of lace slip thing. And the zipper really was stuck.” Levi ignored the sound Mikasa made as he continued, “I think I’d know if she was trying for me.”

“Yeah, sure. For a smart guy you’re a real idiot when it comes to shi- to stuff like that.”

“You’re not exactly great at reading signals, either.”

“And that’s just one of the many reasons both of us are single on Christmas Eve.” Mikasa sighed, and Levi heard a burst of noise in the background. She’d be in the nurse’s breakroom, he knew, taking what escape she could from the madness that was a hospital during the holidays. “The poor girl has been trying to get in your pants for forever, and you just keep blowing her off. She’ll start taking it personally soon.”

Levi thought of the look on Petra’s face, just before he’d walked away. He shifted a little uncomfortably in his seat. “Maybe.”  

“Still, she’s a good person. Giving up her hot date so you can be with Eren. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.” Mikasa paused, sighed again. “It’s flu season, so not only are all the wards full, but we’re shorthanded too.”

“Its fine. I don’t have any shifts for a couple days, and no classes until after New Years.” He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “Will your dad cause trouble if we keep Eren away from home for a bit?”  

“Not my dad. Grisha.” Mikasa corrected absently, as she always did. She was quiet for a long moment, and Levi heard the noise amp up as a door opened in the background again. “Is the nosy one occupied?”

“Now you ask? If he starts asking me what Christmas sex is, I’m telling him to ask you.” But Levi glanced in rearview mirror to double check. “Yeah, for now.”

“I went by the house, when Dad didn’t pick up Eren, just to make sure he hadn’t keeled over. No such luck, but he’d trashed the tree, ripped all the decorations off the walls all over the house. Took the cupcakes some nice neighbor dropped off and smashed them on the kitchen floor. I asked him what I was supposed to tell Eren. He said he didn’t give a fuc- a fudge, it’s his house, his tree, his kid, he pays the dam- darned bills. Blah blah blah.”

As always, she didn’t seem to notice she’d called her adoptive father ‘Dad’. And, as always, Levi didn’t mention it. “Being his usual wonderful drunk self, then.”

“Yeah. I told him to go fudge himself, and that Eren was staying at a friend’s house for a few days. Didn’t mention you by name, of course, since he hates your guts.”

“Break someone’s nose once and they never let it go. Did he trash Eren’s presents too?”

“No, I kept those hidden in the trunk of my car, since the nosy one gets more nosy by the day. I’ll bring them over after my shift finishes. Supposed to be nine, so way things are going I figure I’ll see you maybe by eleven.”

“Ok. Tomorrow it is, then.”

“Hah-hah. Man, I hope not.”

Even as Levi hung up, he saw something bright and orange out of the corner of his eye. Almost as soon as he realized what it was he was pulling the car into a tight u-turn and parking at the side of the road. He opened the back door to find Eren scowling up at him, the headphones in his hands.

“Why’d we stop?” He stretched in the carseat, looking around the outside of the car warily. “This isn’t your house.”

“It’s a surprise.” Levi eyed Eren’s bare feet. He’d managed to pull his shoes off again, and this time his socks had disappeared too. “But you have to wear your boots to find out.”

Eren puffed out his cheeks, eying Levi suspiciously. “Do I really have to?”

Levi nodded. “But if you don’t want to know what the surprise is, you can just stay like this and we’ll go home.” He moved back, as if to close the door again.

Eren let out a long-suffering sigh. “It better be a good surprise.”

“Promise.”

Socks, boots, coat, scarf, hat, and favorite backpack finally back on, they walked hand in hand down the street and into a small Christmas tree lot, surrounded by orange plastic fencing laced through with strings of lights, glowing dimly in the winter sunlight.

Eren glanced around the almost empty enclosure, clearly not understanding why they were there.

Levi squeezed his hand. “Okay, Eren. Let’s pick one.”

“Pick one?”

“Right. Pick a tree. This will be our tree. Yours, Mikasa’s, and mine.”

Eren’s tiny hand squeezed Levi’s fingers as he stared up at him, his wide eyes fastening onto Levi’s face. “Ours?”

“Yeah.”

“Only ours?”

“Right. We’ll put it up and decorate it so Mikasa can see when she comes over.”

Eren hesitated, and moved in a little closer to Levi’s leg before asking, in a much quieter, softer voice, “Is Dad coming over, too?”

The look on his face almost broke Levi’s heart. “Not this time, kid. It’ll just be the three of us.”

“Alright.” Eren nodded slowly, and then smiled up at Levi. “Then we have to pick out the very, very best tree, okay?”

“It’s a deal.”

 --

 One huge tree and one relatively inexpensive trip to the store later – it was already Christmas Eve, after all, and almost everything tree related was on sale – they finally had the thing up in Levi’s apartment. It was so big that the top branches bent over against the ceiling.

Dancing with excitement, Eren darted around the tree, directing Levi as they hung the baubles they’d picked up.

“Here?”

“No, higher!”

“Are you sure? We have a lot of empty space in the middle now.”

“It needs to go high up.”

“Okay then.” Since Eren could only reach about halfway up, and since he’d insisted Levi hang all his decorations near the top, there was a good two feet almost entirely empty of decorations in the middle.

But hey, at least the kid was happy.  

“When will Mikasa be here?” Eren asked, for possibly the millionth time.

“Your sister is coming late tonight, after you go to bed. You’ll see her in the morning.”

“But what time after I go to bed?”

“What does it matter? You’ll be asleep.”

Eren stopped dancing around long enough to scowl up at Levi. “Just answer the question, will you?”

Levi felt his lip twitch, and quickly turned his face away so Eren wouldn’t see his smile. It was always best not to encourage the brat. “She said work might keep her late, so she wasn’t sure.”

“She’ll be here before midnight, right?”  

“She’ll try.”  

“Okay.” Eren nodded to himself, evidently satisfied, and stood on tiptoe to hang a sparkly bauble on the lower half of the tree.

 --

 Long after Eren had fallen asleep on the couch in front of the tree, Levi poured boiling water into two mugs as Mikasa hitched herself up onto the counter beside him.

He shot her a look. “That’s for food. You’re not food. Get off.”

“Don’t be so fussy. You’ll hose it down before you cook anything on it, anyway.”

“That doesn’t mean I want your ass on there in the meantime.” But the shadows under Mikasa’s eyes were deep enough that Levi let it go, mostly. He pulled out a bottle of bleach wipes and pointedly set it next to her hip. “Wipe it off when you get down. Thoroughly.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. You’re such a clean freak.”

“And you’re such a heathen.” Levi lifted the tea bag from her cup, strained it.

“And proud of it.” Mikasa rested her head back against the cabinet behind her and smiled ruefully at Levi. “Who would believe we’re actually related?”

“It’s a mystery.” Handing Mikasa one of the mugs, Levi took his own, leaning back against the oven as he studied her. She really did look tired. And there was something else in her eyes. Something sad.

It made him want to break something.

He’d tracked her down mainly out of curiosity, but it had taken less than an hour of her prickly company for him to realize he actually liked her. It hadn’t taken him much longer than that to realize she wasn’t happy. Over the years she’d become his family, and since he’d do anything for his family, he’d rearranged his life to try and make hers a little better.

And then her baby brother had wrapped his sticky little fingers around Levi’s heart, and the family had grown by one more.

“It must have been a bad scene, when you went back home today.”

“No worse than usual. I just thought- Dad hadn’t been this drunk in a while. I was starting to think maybe something had changed.”

“It won’t be that simple.”

“I know it.” She stared down at the steam rising out of her cup. “I just- I had to leave for work early this morning. Mr. Arlert called me and said Eren was waiting outside the house, by the street, when he came by with Armin to pick him up for the daycare carpool. He wondered why we’d let him outside on his own. He said Eren was a little quiet, nothing too alarming, but just- quiet.”

She lifted her gaze back up to meet Levi’s, and he saw there was guilt mixed in, too. “I think Dad must have done at least some of the house trashing while Eren was home. And from the garbage he spewed out when I was there, he maybe said something to him too.”  She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m just not sure we’re doing the right thing.”

“This isn’t forever. When we have the resources saved up, you’ll file for custody.”

“And in the meantime?”

“Eren’ll be okay for now. He’s got us.”

“He does. He always will” Her chin jutted up, and Levi was relieved to see heat start to replace the complicated mix of emotions in her eyes.

“See? It’s just a matter of time.”

She blinked, and then cocked her head at him. “You’re pretty smart for such a stupid guy, aren’t you?”

Levi paused, mug halfway to his lips. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You and Petra, huh?”  

“There is no me and Petra.”

She lifted the cup he’d handed her, took her first delicate sip. “She wants there to be.”

“So you say.”

“Come on, Levi, I was mostly kidding about the stupid. Even if you are signal-blind, you have to have figured it out, now that I said something, right?”

Scowling down into his tea, Levi shrugged. “Maybe. So what? It wouldn’t work, anyway.”

“Not with that attitude it won’t.”

“I’m not interested in a relationship right now.”

“Why?”

“It’d just get complicated. There’s too much going on.”

Mikasa studied Levi for a long minute, and then shifted her eyes away as she took another sip from her cup. “Bet you wish you’d never tracked me down now, huh?”

Levi stretched a leg out, kicked at Mikasa’s foot. “Knock it off, Mikasa. I don’t regret finding you, or Eren, and I never will.”

She wrinkled her nose at him. “That’s so sappy. I think I’m gonna vomit.”

“Not in here you won’t.”

She laughed, and he knew she’d gotten over the worst of the sadness. “We’ll keep him here as long as possible. Dad’ll sober up, remember he’s supposed to be a father. I’ll have to bring him home.”

“And then when your dad gets drunk again we’ll-”  

“Not my dad.” She interrupted him.

“Sorry. Grisha. When he gets drunk again we’ll-”

“Which hopefully won’t be for a while.”

“When it does,” Levi continued on, “We’ll step in. Bring him back here for a while.” He considered for a long second, remembering that afternoon. “I think by next year I’ll have to find an apartment with taller ceilings for the tree he’ll insist on. I had a hard time talking him into this one.”

Mikasa grinned at him. “He’s a great kid.”

“Levi?” Eren’s voice made them both turn towards the door of the kitchen. Scrubbing at his eyes, hair stuck up all over his head, Eren wandered in. His eyes landed on his sister and he brightened. “Mikasa!”  

“Hey kid.” She slid off the counter and moved to scrub at his hair, turning it into even more of a mess.

He ducked away, grabbing her hand and tugging urgently at it until she crouched in front of him. He side-eyed Levi as he whispered loudly into her ear, “Did you bring it?”

“Bring what?”

“The thing. You know.”

Clearly playing with him, she tapped a finger on her lips and looked up at the ceiling. “What thing would that be?”

“Mikasa.”

She grinned at him. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

“I am, but, Mikasa.” He was almost dancing in place from impatience.

She kissed his cheek with a loud smooch, making him giggle, then turned him to face the living room. “It’s in my purse, by the door. Don’t look in the other bag, oh nosy one.”

With another giggle, Eren ran out of the room.

Mikasa shot Levi a look as she stood. “I bet you’re gonna cry.”

“I am not.”

She picked her tea back up, took a slow sip. “Bet.”

Eren dashed back in and handed Levi a brown envelope.

Slowly, Levi ripped it open. There was a sheet of paper inside, folded in half. When he opened it, he found a hand drawn message, written in messy crayon over neat pencil lines.

To Levi. Happy Birthday. I like you a lot. Thanks for being my family. Eren

Levi ran the pad of his finger over the waxy crayon, and felt something burning the back of his eyes.

“Mikasa helped me write it, but I picked the words.” Bouncing on his toes, Eren watched Levi’s face. “I had to wake up tonight because I had to tell you happy birthday as soon as I could, and give you your card.”

“Thanks kid.” Levi folded the paper delicately, treating it like the treasure it was. “It’s the best birthday card, ever.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” When Levi crouched down and wrapped Eren in a hug, he looked up at Mikasa.

And wasn’t even mad when she mouthed ‘told you so’ at him.

[collecting-stories]

Ease My Mind - Connor Murphy

A/N: Angsty but happy? 

TW: Mentions of attempted suicide

Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind, when they pull me under and I can feel my sanity start to unwind, darling only you can ease my mind. - Ease My Mind, Ben Platt

\\\

The hospital room was filled with small touches of color, meant to be comforting. The glass rainbow mural that hung on the wall seven floors above the emergency waiting area reflected into his room in ICU, painting the floor in different colours. The vinyl couch that could be rearranged into a bed for a guest was a maroon color and the chairs that were pulled up beside his hospital bed were a navy blue. They empty but hours earlier his mom had been sitting in one.  

So far she was the only one to see him. Larry and Zoe both stayed outside the room, in the waiting area, and Cynthia said it was too hard for them to see him like this but he knew that wasn’t it at all. They were keeping him for observation.  

“Because you tried to kill yourself Connor, do you remember?”  

Of course he did. After the first night his mom sat on the couch while she assumed he was asleep and called everyone in her address book to tell them that Connor had ‘been in an accident’. Bible study, the ladies luncheon, book club, and bridge were all cancelled because of him.  

On the second day there she announced she was going home for a change of clothes. Larry had already left the night before to sleep in his own bed and Zoe had gone with him. His mom stayed so that she could whisper to the nurses about his psyche while she presumed he wasn’t paying attention. She left early in the morning, pressing a kiss to his forehead and asking him to “please just listen to the doctors okay sweetie”. Her change of clothes lasted all day. But 9am that Tuesday morning someone besides hospital staff came into his room.  

Your mom had gotten the call the previous night. You were playing video games with your younger brother when she came in the room to tell you that Connor was in the hospital. An accident, she said, though she confided that Cynthia had told her he tried to kill himself.  

“Your mom said it’d be alright to have visitors,” you said, walking further into the hospital room. “I brought twizzlers and I borrowed Sean’s Nintendo switch.”  

“Hey,” Connor sat up further in bed, a little caught off guard to see you there. He expected his mom, maybe Larry and Zoe eventually, Evan if he ever heard the news and could brave the trip into the city but not you.  

Your mom and Cynthia had been college roommates and best friends. For the entirety of your elementary school existence you had been best friends with Connor. You were at his house constantly, jumping on the trampoline Larry installed, trick or treating at Halloween, having pizza every Friday. When your family moved into the city after your mom got remarried that relationship changed. Soon you were only seeing him once a year at Cynthia’s annual New Years Day open house. Your mom relayed every bad story that was shared with her about Connor and his out of control personality.  

The time he tried to burn all his childhood photos or when he painted his entire bedroom black without his parents knowledge, that time he got into a fight with Larry so bad that his dad punched him, when he destroyed the trampoline. You heard about it all, and some of it you had witnessed. But it was difficult to see that boy, to know that Connor. Because you saw him only once a year and when you did he was sweet. He’d find you in the kitchen and suggest hiding in the basement while the party went on, playing video games and watching tv. He was nice to your little brother and always made an effort to behave on New Years.  

“I’m not gonna fuck shit up so much this year, I’m gonna be better.” Connor always swore.  

Once you had cellphones keeping in touch was a little easier but sometimes Connor got in his own head. One minute you’d be texting and the next you wouldn’t hear from him for days while he decided that everyone was better off without him.  

The thought had briefly crossed your mind that he might not want anyone to see him like this. Larry and Cynthia certainly didn’t want anyone to see him like this. But you had to go, you needed to know he was okay. Or at least that he was still breathing.  

“How’d you get here?”  

“The subway.” You shrugged, “my mom and your mom were supposed to go to lunch today and I figured while they were there I’d come here.”  

“You didn’t have to do that.”  

“I know,” you pulled one of the navy chairs over to the bed and sat down, laying your backpack on the ground. You’d packed it with stuff for Connor and skipped school to come see him. A little outside of your usual character. “I just wanted to see you. My mom told me what happened.”  

“What’d she say?”  

“I think something about your appendix burst.”  

“Yeah.” Connor nodded.  

“Well anyway I brought some stuff,” you said, looking away from him to rummage in your backpack. You felt like you were going to burst out crying if you just looked at him and you weren’t sure if he would be comfortable knowing that you knew what happened.  

Though Connor had made off-hand comments about feeling depressed or angry he never really talked about his emotions with you. He never talked about wanting to end things but you knew he did. Likewise though, you had never broached the subject before because you were never sure what to say. You doubted that Connor would appreciate you interrupting a game of Mario Kart on New Year’s day to talk to him about his feelings. So you just didn’t.  

“Scoot over.”  

“Scoot over? This is my hospital bed,” he pointed out even as you sat beside him on the bed.  

“Don’t start with me Murphy, I skipped school for you.” You teased, smiling at him as you settled the backpack in front of you to pull out the contents.  

-

“Do you remember that time when your hair was just passed your ears and you let me put tiny braids all over it with those little rubber bands that Sean had?” You asked.  

It had progressed into lunch  and you sat there with Connor, the tray table pulled up so he could eat the pancakes he ordered, and you were painting the nails of one hand black. The nail polish you’d bought specially for him though you didn’t say so.  

“Yeah, you took a picture even though I told you not to.” He replied. You were looking down at the hand in your lap but he was watching you.  

“I still have it.” You mentioned, glancing up at him and smiling, “I keep it in my day planner.”  

“I wish you’d trash it.”  

“I love that picture!” You brought his hand up to your face and blew on the polish, “this stuff is supposed to dry matte, it’s not so shiny.”  

Connor only shrugged.  

“Hey, Connor, my mom told me why you’re here, not the dumb appendix story.” You mentioned.  

You had been thinking about it all morning, since you woke up and decided that you were not going to school. You were going to mention it right away, rip the bandaid off the whole thing and dive in the deep end but you chickened out when you saw him.  

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Could I just...we don’t have to but could I just say something before we don’t?”  

“Whatever.” He leaned back against the bed and looked away from you, toward the window and the rainbow reflecting in it. Of all the rooms.  

“I didn’t wanna...I like how easy things are between us and I don’t want to jeopardize that and I don’t want you to feel bad but when my mom told me what happened I was so scared. I just thought, what if something happened and I didn’t get the chance to tell you how much you mean to me. I love you Connor, you are my favorite part of the entire year and I wish we hung out more and every year I swear to myself that we will and I never follow through with it. I always let it slide and I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want you to feel alone and I know I can’t take that from you but I just...when you aren’t sure, I want you to know that I’m here and that you’re always on my mind.” You confided.  

Connor turned his head back toward you, staring openly at the way your skin looked with fresh tears tracked down your cheeks and even fresher ones threatening to fall from your eyes. You had cried when your mom told you that he had tried to commit suicide and you had cried on the way over here and you had cried riding the elevator up to his floor. But you had been trying your hardest not to cry in front of him. He frowned and reached up to brush some of the tears away.  

“Don’t cry.” He pleaded, “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, this is not okay. We’re supposed to be playing video games in your basement on New Year’s day or facetiming while I do homework or sending each other stupid pictures on snapchat. Not this, not sitting here.”  

“I know,” Connor pulled you into his arms, ignoring the nail polish still drying on his hands. He held you against him, his forehead resting against yours, “I know.”

“I love you.”

-

I decided to write this because Dear Evan Hansen is very personal to me. When I was about twelve a family friend killed himself. He was seventeen and he was just the coolest person in my life. I thought he was wonderful. He had a lot of anger issues and mental health problems and not a lot of help dealing with any of it. But he was always so nice to me and always made me feel so important and I kind of wanted to capture that feeling in this writing. There are a lot of things that I wish I could’ve said to him and this is my way of dealing with that. So, hope you like it? 

[pickalilywrites]

Cam you do a Levihan?

Heck yeah! Based on this scene from one of my favorite kdramas!

Alternate Title: Levi and Moblit have a sleepover

The One Question You Should Never Ask Levi Ackerman

LeviHan. Canonverse.

2007 words. 

Moblit had thought that rooming with the famed Captain Ackerman would be more nerve-wracking, but it turns out to be much easier to get along with the perpetually grumpy germaphobic insomniac than he initially thought it would be. While he’s heard rumors of the Captain staying up late, the light on his room still on even in the early hours of the morning, he’s fairly thoughtful when it comes to Moblit’s more regular sleeping hours and suggests turning out the light right as the clock strikes twelve. It’s a little later than Moblit would like, but he was too afraid to ask if they could sleep earlier, fearing that the Captain would despise him for disrupting his nocturnal schedule.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay up a little later?” Moblit asks nervously. He glances at the stack of papers still on Captain Ackerman’s desk. While it’s clearly been rifled through, he notices that the Captain hadn’t signed or stamped any of them. “It seems as though you still have a lot of paperwork to finish.”

Captain Ackerman merely glances at the stack of forms on his desk and scoffs. “That’s just Erwin sending me more things to do than necessary. They all say the same shit anyway,” Levi says to Moblit. He takes a seat on his bed, undoing his laces before removing his boots. “If you’d like to do my paperwork for me, be my guest.”

At first, Moblit thinks it’s a joke. It has to be, right? But he doesn’t know Captain Ackerman well enough to know if the man makes jokes and after thinking for a few more seconds, he’s sure it’s a joke disguised as a command. If he doesn’t start forging the Captain’s signature on every piece of paper piled on that desk, the man might hack off Moblit’s legs, leaving Moblit legless for the rest of his days.

Not wanting to suffer such a fate, Moblit gets off the cot that had been set up in the room for him to sleep in and stumbles towards the desk where the papers sit, nearly tripping over his feet because he wasn’t watching where he was going. Mumbling an apology for not starting the paperwork that isn’t his responsibility to fill out in any way, Moblit reaches for the pen, ready to scribble a messy “Levi Ackerman” on every dotted line, but he’s stopped by another snort from Levi.

“Are you really going to do it? I was just joking, Berner,” the Captain says. Laying down on his bed, his arms folded behind his head, he says, “Just leave it there for the morning. It’s not like Erwin can’t wait for those documents, and I’m not too crazy about finishing them right away even if you’re willing to do them. Just turn out the light and sleep.”

Moblit hesitates, but he finally leaves the desk but not before blowing out the candle. Now the only the dim light of the moon streaming through the crack between the curtains is the only thing that illuminates the room. Carefully, Moblit makes his way to his cot once more. Laying down in it, he frowns because of how cramped and uncomfortable it is, but it’s not like he can ask for another. The Captain is being hospitable enough by letting him sleep in his room instead of with the other members in his elite squad. (Moblit had once spent a night with them and, while he did enjoy their company, they could get rather rambunctious once the sun set, especially if they had a drink or two.)

“Thank you for allowing me to sleep in your room,” Moblit says after a while. He’s never really thought about it, but perhaps the Captain really is a nice person despite what others say. Soldiers in the Scouting Legion did like to gossip after all.

“It’s fine. I imagine that this is better than when you’re just with your squad. I bet Hanji just talks all your heads off at night. I don’t know how you guys get any rest.” While his words are insulting, Moblit recognizes a hint of affection in the Captain’s a voice. Just a hint, mind you, but it’s most certainly there. The tone is lighter, slightly amused like it typically is when the Captain speaks of the eccentric scientist, which is vastly different than the disgusted voice he typically uses for people like the Military Police or others that Captain Ackerman deems as annoying.

Moblit has always wondered about the relationship between the two. He knows that Levi and Hanji had been acquainted prior to the fall of Wall Maria and, at least compared to the rest of the people that Levi interacts with, have always seemed to share a friendly relationship to each other even though Levi feigns annoyance whenever the scientist proposes some other insane plan or experiment to him. He’s never one to take gossip too seriously, but he believes there is some truth to the rumors about the Captain and his Squad Leader that swirl about. While he’s dying to ask whether or not Levi holds any true affection for Squad Leader Zoe, he’s not sure they’re on good enough terms for him to inquire about it. After all, he’s just sleeping in the Captain’s room. It doesn’t mean they’re able to talk about such things together or that they need to talk about anything at all.

Deciding to play it safe, Moblit bites his tongue and says instead, “Yeah, this is far more peaceful. Hanji does like to keep us all awake at night. Sometimes she’ll call us all for a team meeting in the middle of the night just to tell us about a new theory she’s been contemplating for a while. We’re lucky if we get even one full night’s rest during the week.”

To his surprise, Levi chuckles. While he’s sure the Captain has laughed before in his life, Moblit never thought he’d be in Levi’s presence when he did, and he most certainly never thought he’d make the Captain laugh. The night is full of surprises, it seems.

“Yeah, that sounds like something she’d do,” Levi says. “She talks your ear off during mealtimes too, I assume. Does she still do that thing where she forgets to eat because she’s too busy talking?”

Mobllit has to pinch himself for a second because he can’t believe he’s really conversing with Captain Ackerman, the most feared man in the Scouting Legion. He pinches himself in the thigh, wincing at the sharp pain, and it turns out that this is very much reality.

“Ah, yeah, actually,” Moblit laughs nervously. “We have to keep reminding her, but she hardly ever takes a breath and it’s difficult to interrupt her. You know…”

The rest of the night takes an unexpected turn. They spend hours swapping stories about the crazy things Hanji has done, laughing over her strange habits, and occasionally paying her compliments that she’ll never hear. Moblit knows that Levi isn’t one to talk much – even when he’s complaining about something, he tends to keep his insults short and to the point – but it seems that the Captain can talk about Hanji for hours and the same question returns to Moblit.

After talking to the Captain for a while, Moblit has the feeling that they’re friends now. If they’re not friends, they must be something like good acquaintances, and he feels that Levi isn’t nearly as frightening as people make him out to be. In fact, he’s quite nice and a decent person to talk to. Thus, Moblit believes that it can’t hurt to ask the question that has been hanging in the back of his mind whenever he sees the Captain speaking with his Squad Leader.

“Say, Levi,” Moblit asks hesitantly. For a second, Moblit thinks it’s a bad idea, but he’s already proceeded. It would be bothersome for him to change his mind now, and it would probably annoy Levi if Moblit suddenly mumbled a “never mind” because he was too scared to ask his question. No, Moblit was going to ask his question, and he was going to get an answer. “What are your feelings towards Hanji?”

There’s a beat of silence and for a second Moblit’s heart stops. Did he overstep his boundaries? Perhaps their friendly conversations were only meant to be polite and held no real meaning to their relationship at all. Maybe they weren’t even acquaintances, but only comrades in the same military branch and that was it. Oh, what a fool he is. Surely he’ll wake up tomorrow morning with one of his limbs missing.

“Excuse me?” Levi finally asks.

“I just…,” Moblit says. He searches his mind for a way to backtrack into safer territory, but he finds nothing. He can’t even stay silent because that would be even ruder. Well, he had started to dig this grave. He might as well finish it. “Well, I just thought that it’s quite clear that you hold an affection for her. And you two do get along quite well. I was just wondering if you two are only strictly comrades and nothing more.”

Levi pauses for another second before replying, “I enjoy being friends with her. I don’t need anything more.”

There is a wistfulness in his voice that makes Moblit believe that the Captain’s lying, but he doesn’t want to pry any further. If that’s how the Captain wants their relationship to remain, then Moblit can respect that. It might not be the answer he was seeking, but he can be satisfied with that for now. Besides, he’s bothered the man enough, and it’s about time they both went to sleep.

“Ah, I understand,” Moblit says. “Sorry for asking you something so out of the blue, Captain.”

The Captain mumbles something about how it’s fine before telling Moblit they should both go to sleep. Levi turns in his bed, his back to Moblit, and Moblit thinks that’s it for the night. He got to bond with the Captain over stories about his eccentric squad leader and managed to survive even after asking such a nosy question that is, now that he thinks about it, none of his business at all. He’ll have to remember to thank Levi for being so hospitable tonight.

Closing his eyes, Moblit is ready to drift off to sleep, but he hears the Captain tossing and turning in his bed noisily. Cracking an eye open, Moblit looks over at where Levi is and asks, “Is something the matter, Captain?”

“Is something the matter with me?” Levi asks. “Or is it you? To ask me a question like that in the middle of the night! Who do you think you are?”

“S-sir?” Moblit stammers, sitting up. He’s surprised to see that Levi is sitting up as well. He can’t see too well in the dim light, but he doesn’t need to see Levi’s face to tell that the Captain is glaring daggers at him. “I beg your pardon?”

“Why are you even here?” Levi asks Moblit, his voice escalating. He doesn’t seem to have heard Moblit at all and continues to shout at the poor soldier. “What makes you think you can come here and wonder about things that are none of your business? What do you know about these things anyway? Do you have any idea what sort of things I’m dealing with?”

Now Moblit understands why everybody is so scared of Levi Ackerman. When he’s angry, he’s sure to destroy everything in his way. Forget his limbs, Moblit isn’t sure he’ll even be alive tomorrow if he stays in this room.

Mumbling a few words, Moblit excuses himself, lying about having to go to the bathroom. He barely remembers to squeak a barely audible “thank you” before the door shuts behind him and runs off to the empty dining hall. He sleeps in one of the rickety chairs that night and it’s dreadfully uncomfortable, but he prefers it to Captain Levi’s death glare.

[dangeroustimemachinehologram]

Spooky holiday

It was end of July, over 5 years after Amy and her family moved out from Norwich to Lower Gornal, town near Dudley. After 2 years of paranormal time, 3 years was quiet and settled. They start enjoy place where they live. They made some friends. Josh and Zoe grown up to a teenage age now. Both of them, mostly Zoe wanted visit town from a childhood times.

They missed the Town and wanted visit old friends. Amy and Beth didn't have a problem with it. Even if they hadn't much friends to visit over there, going on holiday in Norwich part wasn't bad idea for them.  Because Zoe and Josh had already holiday from school, Amy and Beth booked a week from there jobs and booked The Maids  Head Hotel in Norwich, Norfolk for four of them... They also decided make a visit to places in Norwich which was known with paranormal happenings. Shortly, they wanted to do their own paranormal investigating in town they lived before. Josh and Zoe was exited.

After couple days of making ready for holiday, finally on a 1st of August they've got up early in a morning after shower and a breakfast, got to a taxi on a way to train station in Wolverhampton.  Seven hours of a trip they finally made to Norwich. For a county that's so steeped in history, it's not surprising that Norfolk has its fair share of ghost sightings and paranormal activity.  And They was ready for adventure, meet old friends and fun.

The Maids Head Hotel, place where all 4 of them was staying, claims to be the oldest hotel in Britain This hotel is over 800 years old. Even Queen Elizabeth I was reportedly a fan, spending the night in what has now been called the Queen Elizabeth Suite during a stay in the late 16th century. The Tudor style hotel is supposedly home to a maid who floats around the corridors with a strong smell of lavender following her. A second phantom is that of a former city mayor who has been sighted in the courtyard violently shaking his head.

Next day in a late morning all of them we see their friends and catch on what is happening. It was Wednesday already. Few hours wasn't enough on catching up, gossiping and having fun that's why their friends, Michael and Suzy with their 2 kids, Malcolm and Andrew, invited them for Sunday for a nice chicken roast dinner. And they thought it's great idea for holiday Sunday.

After seen friends and have quick fresh up in a hotel rooms, they gone for a trip around. Their first place they fisit was Norwich Castle – founded by William the Conqueror. Norwich Castle stands proudly overlooking Norwich is steeped in a bloody history so it’s hardly surprising that a few angry souls remain, haunting the 900-year-old keep. The castle was also used as a place of imprisonment and execution. Ghost sightings include the decomposing remains of Robert Kett, hanging from the castle in a cage. Reports of another ghost, that of a black clothed woman, have been made since at least 1820 and are still noted to this day in the art gallery.

After a busy day Amy, Beth, Josh and Zoe end up in  Adam & Eve Pub. Just have rest, something to eat and drink. Of course there was some spooky reason why they chose this pub us well. In 1249, this inn on Bishopgate is said to be one of the oldest pubs in Norwich. If you fancy a drink, you might have the company of the ghost of Lord Sheffield, a nobleman who was caught up in Kett’s Rebellion in 1549 before being stabbed and dragged to the former inn on the site of the Adam & Eve, where he died. Reports say that he rings a bell when the pub is empty but don’t be deterred from visiting as he is known to be a friendly apparition, perhaps rewarding the hospitality of the pub that sheltered him in his final hours…

Next day they visited two very interested places.  Elm Hill in Norwich is known by being haunted by a zealous priest called Father Ignatius. He is thought to have cursed those that didn’t engage in prayer way back in 1864, eventually inciting an angry mob of superstitious townspeople to drive him out of the city. His vengeful spirit is said to have returned and curses passersby to this day. There is a separate ghoul that supposedly died in a fire whose footsteps can be heard walking around one of the houses on the street. People have also had strange encounters with disembodied footsteps clomping around the antique shop on Elm Hill.

The second place family visited at night was Maddermarket Theatre. To start with they watched show called The Secret Garden! It's based on a book by a same name, which also became a movie. This theatre is actually located on the site of an old Roman Catholic Church and is supposedly haunted by a monk seen walking from one of the reclaimed confessional boxes and across the stage. He has also been sighted in the cobbled alleyway that runs up to the theatre. Far from evil, this spirit has supposedly saved someone’s life who was about to be struck by a falling light and even comforted actors who forgot lines or mess up their parts.

On Friday they decide visit  Devil’s Alley, in near by town called King’s Lynn. The market town of King’s Lynn has many pretty streets and historical buildings but one street, now come to be known as Devil’s Alley, has a more sinister side. There used to be a mark in the cobbled alleyway that, according to legend, is the spot where the Devil himself stamped his hoof after a priest came upon him and banished him in a dramatic fury. The print has since disappeared but an eerie presence still remains.

On Saturday Amy get an idea to go for a trip to the Priory of Our Lady of Thetford, where it's been known for face a ghostly onslaught of hooded monks who allegedly roam the ruins’ grounds. Built in the 12th century, Thetford Priory was the burial site of many Earls and Dukes of the county before some tombs were removed in 1520 during the dissolution of the monasteries which may have disturbed more than just the mortal remains of those buried there… She decided to go their because people was reporting of hearing the monks chanting and singing in Latin have been documented as early as the 1930s. With other nearby spots that purportedly play host to ghouls and ghosts such as the Warren Lodge and Grimes Graves, this is a hub of paranormal activity. Which also Amy and Zoe could be a witnesses. Josh and Beth wasn't convinced about it.

The Sunday came. It was day when all of them could spend a day at their friends, as well enjoy a dinner. Michael and Suzy was very interested to listen to story of Beth and Amy adventures in a new place they moved in. Also Malcolm and Andrew was passionately listen to Josh and Zoe telling their stories from new place like last few days of holiday. All of them enjoyed a day together. They even invited Michel, Suzy and kids to visit them in Dudley and show them most interested places and place where they live.

Monday, last day of their holiday, Beth and Amy decided take kids to Cromer Pier. Cromer Pier is a Grade II listed seaside pier in the civil parish of Cromer on the north coast of the English county of Norfolk, 25 miles due north of the city of Norwich in the United Kingdom. The pier is the home of the Cromer Lifeboat Station and the Pavilion Theatre. It was an idea that would be nice to see some sea, while they on holiday. The beautiful listed pier in Cromer is a hub of activity during the summer months – think ice creams, fish and chips and seagulls. But when the colder months come creeping in, the old place reveals a more sinister side. It is good to have some more normal fun apart just be a people who don't have other hobbies then catching ghost. But it doesn't mean that the place doesn't have any spook to it.  The Pavilion Theatre, which is located on the pier and is supposedly haunted by ghosts seen by performers that appear on stage next to them. Theatre goers have also reported sightings of a man with a tall black hat and poltergeist activity too. There have also been sightings of a phantom island across the sea, supposedly the lost town of Shipden.

Next day, on Tuesday, it was time when the family came back home. After nice and adventure holiday they spend week in and area visiting area better. One of the days, while kids still had holiday from school, family went on a trip to Dudley Castle and Zoo. Great place for spend day off for few reasons. its a Zoo and Castle and it's an active spend time. Castle its a sources of a history. It's a day out. But as well if you like scary/haunted ideas to spend your time.

Dudley castle is a popular place know as one of the most haunted locations in the Midlands and perhaps the world. With history dating back to the Domesday book of 1086, this eerie location is full of ghosts, some of which have made the news. And this ghost is  the Grey Lady Ghost. The most haunted location in the castle is thought to be the chapel undercroft. In an Ancient Room there is a stone coffin, that is believed to have once held the body of one of the most castle’s most feared Lords, John Somery. Also you could find reports when people have reported seeing legs beside the coffin and they believed to be that of John himself. Other people reports include people having the feeling of their clothes being tugged at, and their bodies prodded. One of the best examples is story of the little girl flipped over a chair during a paranormal investigation. On another investigation, a dark shadowy figure was captured on camera. People have also reported strange grinding sounds coming from the chapel above, and obviously on investigation the sounds cease.

It was 27th August. Last few days of Zoe and Josh holiday. Also it was Zoe 16 birthday. They all went out for a meal. Some friends came for a little party in an evening. In September Zoe starting college. She decided IT course. She always wanted work with computers and do and computer art. Also to earn some little pocket money and earn some practice she started an YouTube channel. Because she found herself a new hobby: paranormal activities, scary stories and stuff are involed with this subject. She called her channel Creepy Intrest.

[machihunnicutt]

Cherry Flavor

(Or read on ao3.)

"Hey, do you um...need a ride?" Connor looked up at the nervous, messy haired boy with a cast on his arm. He took a long sip of his cherry slushee and realized he'd reached the bottom of the cup. He slurped up the last of the artificial syrup and sighed.

"You're Evan Hansen aren't you?" He said, evading the question. He'd seen him gawking at his sister during jazz band concerts.

"And you're Connor Murphy," he replied. "It's late."

Connor was sitting on the curb, shivering in his thin hoodie. In hindsight he probably should have gotten a hot chocolate but he liked the way the cherry stained his mouth.

"Thanks Captain Obvious," he sneered.

Evan seemed to shrink from him. "So you don't need a ride or...?"

"Can we just go for a drive Hansen? I'm still kinda high and my parents are pissed off enough as it is."

"I...um, sure," he said. Connor got up.

"Do you want a slushee? I'll buy you one."

"No thanks, I'm good." Connor could still see him blush in the dark. Evan Hansen was kind of cute when he was nervous.

Evan's car had a little pine tree air freshener hanging from the mirror and his cup holders were full of loose change. There wasn't enough room for his legs but he didn't bother leaning the seat back.

"Where do you want to go?

"Where do you go when you need to get away Hansen?"

"Well I don't usually take off in the middle of the night so..."

"C'mon Hansen there's gotta be some place."

"Okay fine. I've never been there at night but there is this one spot."

"Lead the way," he said, leaning forward to turn up the volume on the radio. He looked over at Evan, whose eyes were focused nervously on the road ahead. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Yeah," he said, chewing on the straw from the slushee. "I do. Can you keep a secret Evan Hansen?"

"Um...yeah, I think so."

Connor shrugged. Good enough. It was better to get it off his chest here than in front of Zoe or his parents. "I'm gay. I'm like really gay." He laughed. He'd never said it out loud before. Evan didn't say anything.

"You want me to get out of your car now?" He asked, half joking half nervous.

"Of course not!" Evan exclaimed. "I wouldn't...I'm not..."

"Relax Hansen it's fine."

"I um...I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me and uh..."

"This isn't some after school special Hansen it's not a big deal," he said. "Where are we?"

"It's uh, a forest I come to sometimes. I climbed trees a lot before." He held up his arm in explanation.

Connor nodded. "Alright then. Wanna lay in the grass?"

Evan Hansen had a nice smile, so nice in fact it almost made the shitty evening better. The reason he was stoned at the 7-11 a mile and a half from his house at 10 pm on a Wednesday night was because his house was suffocating him. Now, in the open air with this dork next to him it felt like things might be okay after all.

They lied down in the grass, damp and earthy smelling, and looked up at the stars. "So what were you doing at the 7-11 that late anyway Hansen?

Beside him Evan shifted anxiously. "My mom never says it cause she's too nice but I know I'm a handful sometimes. I was giving her a break."

Connor snorted. "You're a handful? Next to me you're a goddamn angel."

"I don't know about that..."

Connor laughed too loudly. "I'm a royal fuck up anyone could tell you that."

"Connor..."

"Hey, do you have any secrets Hansen? You could tell me now that you know I want to kiss dudes." He realized, afterward, that his phrasing gave away that he hadn't yet kissed a dude. Connor Murphy hadn't kissed anyone but he didn't want Evan to know that.

"I don't know." Connor tilted his head to look at him and found Evan looking back. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to stare or anything."

"You don't have to apologize so much Hansen," he said gently. It was probably the wrong thing to say but at least he tried to say it the right way.

"I, uh...when I broke my arm I told everyone I fell out of a tree. But I...um, I didn't fall exactly."

"What happened?" The night was startlingly quiet. Evan's voice was a whisper. Connor's mouth still tasted like sugar drowned cherries.

"I let go. I thought if I fell from high enough I would..."

"Hansen," he cut him off. "That's..." He groped for a word. "Rough."

"Don't tell anyone."

"I wouldn't." Connor tugged up his shirtsleeves and held his wrists close to Evan's face so he could see the scars in the dark. "I get it. I've been there." The day he woke up in the hospital had felt like the worst day of his life. He couldn't even kill himself without fucking something up.

"I'd be sad if you were gone," Evan muttered and something in Connor's chest tightened.

"Yeah well I'd be sad if you were gone too dork." He'd never talked to Evan Hansen like this. He barely knew the guy. He'd never talked to anyone like this. The ground felt especially solid beneath him.

"Hey, so you think we could maybe uh...ex-exchange emails?" It must've taken courage to talk when every sentence came out stuttered and shaking. Connor thought Evan was brave to keep asking scary questions with a voice like that. If he were in his shoes he might just shut his mouth entirely.

"Yeah, we can do that."

***

Evan was better on paper than he was in person. In person when he talked he felt like his mouth was full of cotton balls or toothpaste and everyone was looking disapprovingly at the inexplicable obstructions. On paper it felt less like his thoughts bled and tripped and stumbled their way to others. Writing Connor Murphy was surprisingly easy. Connor was kind of nice in private. The night he'd gotten his email he couldn't take his eyes off his slushee red mouth. When he took him home Connor thanked him. Evan was used to being the one who thanked other people, though most of the time thank you came out like I'm sorry. It was something he was working on.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I think you're underestimating the negative attention you'll get if you sit with me at lunch. I'm sort of the lowest of the low and not a scary, cool way like you are (not that you're the lowest of the low) but in a stupid loser way.

If you're really serious about what you said I can take you on a nature walk. It might be boring. Let's watch movies this weekend. Unless you're busy. Or you don't want to hang out with me. But if you do we could make cookies. Let me know.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Evan Hansen,

I hate to say I told you so (oh who am I kidding I love to say I told you so) but you've sat with me at lunch for three days and absolutely nothing bad has happened (unless you count the time I made you laugh so hard milk came out of your nose and I'm really sorry about that. I didn't realize I was so fucking hilarious. Go figure.)

Of course I'm serious about the tour Hansen. I need some of your forest expertise ASAP. How else am I gonna impress the eligible bachelors? I am more than down for movies and cookies as long as you let me buy the ingredients. My parents aren't loaded for nothing loser.

See you at school.

Sincerely,

Me

He was about 85% sure that Connor Murphy was his friend. Evan hadn't had a friend before so he thought that percentage stayed in a safe range. Connor still sat with him at lunch, though most of the time he just took a few apathetic bites of an apple and spent the rest of the time painting his nails or coaxing the details of the morning out of Evan. He emailed him at least 3 times a week and they hung out on the weekends unless Connor was having one of his bad days and then Evan would just give him his space. He'd even consulted Google about whether or not the symptoms he'd described constituted a friendship. Symptoms: like his interaction with Connor Murphy was some sort of disease. It wasn't. He was sure about that one.

"Okay Hansen I'm going to ask you something and you've gotta promise to tell me the truth okay?"

Evan felt his palms sweat. This variety of question was nerve-wracking. "O-okay."

Connor took another sip of his slushee. Stopping by the 7-11 had become a habit of theirs. Connor always got his bright red styrofoam pit of chemical ice and Evan opted for a plastic sleeve of sunflower seeds. Sugar didn't do well in his system.

"Do you have a thing for my sister?"

Evan's face went as red as Connor's slushee stained tongue. "Why would you ask me that?"

"It's okay if you do," he muttered, looking like he was lying. "I wouldn't be mad or anything."

"I did," he said. Freshman year she'd helped him up when he tripped over his own feet in the hallway and he'd been caught by how pretty the indigo in her hair was. "I don't anymore." The other thing Evan had found a lot of when he was googling his relationship with Connor were Buzzfeed quizzes about whether or not you were in love with your best friend. As a rule Evan trusted Buzzfeed quizzes. Buzzfeed had correctly predicted how old he was, what region of the U.S he lived in, and his greatest fear based on his breakfast and favorite desert. Buzzfeed was legit.

"Okay," Connor said, nodding. He pulled a hairband out of his pocket and put up his hair up. Evan liked it when he did that. Then he could see his face better. He looked more open and friendly when his hair was up. He wished other people could see Connor with his hair up. "Okay cool."

Sometimes Connor would come over and they'd sit on Evan's bed while Evan worked on homework. Connor mostly lounged. One time he fell asleep on Evan's shoulder. He tried not to move. Connor's hair was soft on his cheek and his expression was unguarded. He was kind of embarrassed when he woke up, blushing and wiping the drool from his cheek.

"Sorry," he'd muttered.

"No need to be," he replied. "You look like you needed the sleep." Sometimes Connor looked like he didn't take care of himself. He didn't eat enough or sleep enough. Sometimes he messaged him really late at night.

"What, you don't like my eye bags?" He said tauntingly.

"I like your eye bags just fine Con."

Connor grinned. "So we're doing nicknames now Hansen?"

"Oh." Panic. "I um, if that's not okay I won't..."

"C'mon Hansen you're my best friend why wouldn't it be okay?"

"I'm your best friend?" He replied, gaping at him.

"And I'm yours right? Don't tell me Kleinman beat me to it?"

"You're my best friend Connor."

"Good."

Dear Evan Hansen,

You know prom is coming up. Zoe wants me to help her go dress shopping. I'm trying to do better with her. Are you going to go? To prom I mean? It's kind of dumb but you know...anyway.

I told her...what I told you. I'm not going to tell my parents but telling her is something.

Have a good day Hansen.

Sincerely,

Me

***

It was stupid to have a crush on your best friend, especially your almost definitely straight, formally infatuated with your sister, obnoxiously cute best friend.

"What do you think of this one?" Zoe twirled in the light green gown he'd given her to try on. It looked good. Most everything looked good on Zoe.

"I like the other one better."

"He's into you doofus," she said after the 15th time he checked his email on his phone. "Just ask him."

"I can't do that!" He shot back. "What if he says no?" He'd thought about it. He really had. But Connor Murphy was a coward.

"Think about how cute he'd be in a suit. I bet he'd wear a blue tie."

"Shut up Zoe. He's probably straight. He had a thing for you for fuck's sake."

"Connor." She put her hands on her hips. "You don't see the way he looks at you because you're too busy fawning over him. He likes you."

Connor looked down at his hands. He'd chipped off most of his nail polish waiting for Evan to email him back. "I fuck a lot of things up Zo. I'm finally doing something right and I don't want it all to go to shit."

"Connor, you're doing well. You really are. I think you should go for it."

He shrugged. "Shit, he emailed back."

Dear Connor Murphy,

I don't think anyone wants to go to prom with me. You maybe, but not me. Send me a picture of the dress Zoe picks. I bet it'll be beautiful!

Let me know if you want to go for a 7-11 run.

Sincerely,

Me

"That's shorter than the emails he usually sends do you think something's wrong?"

"Ask him out loser," Zoe said. "Just ask him out."

***

It was a routine outing. Connor got an extra large slushee and seemed to be chugging it like there was no tomorrow. Evan was worried he was going to get sick.

"Are you okay?" Connor looked over at him like a deer in the headlights.

"I'm fine," he said too quickly. "I just...uh, could you take me to the forest again? Like we did that one time."

"Sure," he said. "Just don't get cherry puke on my dashboard." Connor stopped his aggressive slurping.

"Sorry Hansen."

The grass was soft and damp. He lied down anyway, shoulder pressed close to Connor's.

"Can I tell you another secret Hansen?"

"Sure Con."

He laughed. "Not fair. You know I love it when you call me that."

"Go ahead, really. I won't tell anyone."

"Okay." He rolled over to look at Evan, hair falling into his eyes. His mouth was still very red. "I want to go to prom."

"Oh," he said. He didn't really want to hear about whatever guy Connor had a thing for. He really didn't.

"There's this guy I like."

"Oh," he repeated dumbly.

"He might be straight but I'm hopeful. He's really sweet and nice to talk to and good at keeping secrets. He's got really pretty eyes and the nicest smile and he's kind of a dork but..."

Evan sat up. He didn't want to hear anymore about Connor's mystery man. His face was burning. Why was he so pissed off? Were those Buzzfeed quizzes right?

Do you get a warm and fuzzy feeling when you spend time with your friend?

Do you get jealous when your friend talks about their crushes?

Do you find yourself daydreaming about your friend?

"Well I'm sure you've got a shot. You'd have to be an idiot to turn you down Connor Murphy."

"Hansen." He looked at him. Connor's face was expectant. "I'm talking about you. I like you."

"Me?" It might've been Evan's imagination but he thought Connor was leaning in. "You want to go to prom with me?"

"If you'll have me."

"Of course I will. I like you a lot Con. I knew Buzzfeed wouldn't lie to me."

Connor laughed. God he had a nice laugh. "I don't know exactly what that means but I think it's good." Now he was definitely leaning in.

"Evan?" God it was nice when Connor said his name.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to kiss you now if that's okay?"

"It's okay."

Kissing Connor Murphy tasted like cherry and felt like finding a twenty on the sidewalk. Connor put his hand on the back of Evan's neck and pulled him in closer. Evan had always been nervous about kissing. He was scared he'd mess it up and get laughed at, provided that he ever got the chance to kiss anyone. But kissing Connor Murphy was easy. Kissing Connor Murphy felt right.

"So you chug slushees when you're nervous huh?"

"Shut it Hansen."

***

Connor didn't know how to tie a tie so he let his mom do it for him. She was happy he was going and, to quote her "getting involved in something productive." She didn't know he was going with Evan but that was okay, baby steps.

He had his hair pulled back and a bouquet for Evan. It was probably too much. They were sunflowers, his favorites, and he felt exceedingly dumb.

Evan did wear a blue tie. He looked nice. He looked nervous but he looked nice. "I got you flowers," Connor said, holding out the bouquet uselessly. Evan smiled when he took them, which made Connor feel less nervous and more happy to be there picking him up. "Zoe and Alana are in the car. We should probably go."

"Okay," he said. "You look good." Connor didn't think his outfit was anything to write home about. He had a purple tie with nails painted to match and a suit he'd found at the back of his closet that almost didn't fit him. Zoe was definitely the sharper dresser of the Murphy siblings tonight.

"Thanks," he said anyway.

"I'm glad we're doing this."

"Me too."

Zoe and Alana had nothing but nice things to say about Evan in his suit and tie. He blushed and muttered compliments in return. Zoe had glittery eyeshadow and long, mascara-ed lashes, and looked radiant in her green dress. Alana, in orange, was tethered to her side the same way Evan was to him.

It was crowded when they got to the high school. Evan didn't like crowds so Connor took the liberty of holding onto his hand as they made their way over the dance floor and to the punch table. Zoe and Alana were dancing already.

"If you told me last year that I'd be at prom right now I would've said you were crazy," Connor said, not mentioning what they both knew. A year ago he didn't think he'd be alive to see his senior prom.

"Do you want to dance?" Evan asked. They were playing the first of no doubt many slow songs of the evening and Evan pulled him gently in the direction of the swaying bodies. Connor Murphy couldn't really dance. He didn't have much rhythm and he used to step on Zoe's feet when they were forced to dance together at family wedding receptions. He really didn't want to step on Evan's feet.

"I'm not a good dancer Hansen," he says, but allowed himself to be pulled.

"I'll help you," Evan said, looking more self-assured than he'd ever seen him. He put his hand on Connor's waist and shrunk the gap between them. Overhead the lights tilted and twirled pink and purple and gold into Evan's hair. He hadn't paid attention to the prom theme but now he thought it should be the way Evan Hansen's eyed swam and glowed in the cascading colors. Connor apologized when he stepped on Evan's foot but he waved him off. "You're doing fine." Evan leaned his head on his chest. He wondered if he could hear his heart beating through the fabric of his shirt. Knowing Evan, if he could he probably wouldn't say anything about how fast it was drumming in his chest.

When the night was drawing to a close Evan leaned in and muttered something in his ear. "Hey, do you want to go for a 7-11 run?"

They told Zoe and Alana, who had promised to pick them up on the way home, and walked, hand in hand to the dingy convenience store in the poor lighting.

Connor bought them two cherry slushees and they sat on the same curb that began it all and drank them.

"You know I was scared to talk to you that first time. I thought you might beat me up for looking at you the wrong way."

"I get that a lot Hansen," he grinned.

"But my therapist wanted me to practice putting myself out there and taking steps toward getting what I want."

"What did you want that night?" He looked over at him. Evan had his knees pulled to his chest and was chewing absently on the slushee straw. It was an odd picture: two boys in suits looking lost but feeling found.

"A friend," he said. "I always wanted a friend like you. You're a really good friend Connor Murphy."

"So are you Evan Hansen."

"Although I don't think most friends kiss."

"Do you not like the kissing?"

"N-no, I like the kissing. Especially when you're mouth's all red like that."

"Yeah?" He quirked up an eyebrow. "Are you asking for a kiss Evan?"

"No," Evan leaned in. Connor wondered how this dork could surprise him. It was better when Evan was the one kissing him. He took his face in his hands and Connor nearly swooned.

"I didn't like cherry before you."

Connor grinned. He thought he might never stop.

[queertransjew-blog]

hysterectomy + 2 weeks post-op top surgery

CW: talk of reproductive organs, blood, hospitals, etc. General TMI stuff ahead.

I meant to post this three days ago! But anesthesia apparently really fucks with my concentration. And so does exhaustion from having two major surgeries less than two weeks apart. Here we go:

Four days ago, I had a full hysterectomy with Dr. Zoe Rodriguez at Mt. Sinai hospital in NYC.  By ‘full’, I mean they removed everything — uterus, tubes, ovaries, etc.

I was told no eating after midnight the day of the surgery, though of course that’s a pretty commonly known thing because of the anesthetic. I had to be at the hospital at 6:30, so my mom and I were up early. We had an easy trip into the city and got there a little early. The hospital was small, though the waiting room did have some occupants who obviously had arrived even earlier than us. I checked in, filled out paperwork, signed my name for the fiftieth time this month…(been signing a lot of paperwork recently). I was brought back to sign some more paperwork, was asked when was the last time I’d eaten anything (9 pm the night before).

About an hour after we arrived, I was called back by a nurse. My mom, who was with me, had to wait in the waiting room while I was told to change into a pair of pants, gown, and robe. They also gave me those ugly grey hospital socks. I put my clothes and belongings into plastic bags and then sat in a second waiting room, until I was led, with another patient, down a hallway, into an elevator, and into the pre-op room. The man who took us there knelt down and rolled up the bottom of my pants for me, “so I wouldn’t trip.” It was emasculating and made me feel like a child. I was mad, but too tired and hungry to voice my feelings.

I sat down on a bed and a nurse came over and took some information. I forgot to tell her I was on testosterone, and she didn’t like that. I forgot to mention that in my list of medications. Silly me. Then they called up my mom and let her join me. My mom said she liked that they gave me a robe. I pointed out my gown was stained

Then, my surgeon came, and we talked about the procedure and she asked if I had any questions (I didn’t). I signed a paper saying I was cool with them taking out a bunch of organs. I met the other two doctors working with my surgeon. I met the anesthesiologist. He was really cool. I told him my left hand still hurt from the IV they placed when I had top surgery a week and a half ago. I also told him how much I hated being groggy after top surgery, and he said he’d do his best to make the waking up from this surgery better. Then, I met one of the OR nurses. I signed another paper.

They asked if I was okay walking to the OR. Sure, I said. I gave my mom a kiss and a hug, and then I followed the doctors to the OR. The had me get on the table, on top of some foam padding. I couldn’t wear my compression binder from top surgery because it covered too much of my abdomen, so I took that off and they wrapped my chest in gauze and ace bandages. I was grateful my surgeon was so careful with my chest, considering it was an inconvenience to her to have to take that extra step.

They put something in my IV that made me feel really spacey. They helped me take off my pants (not weird at all!!) I laid back on the gurney, and then I don’t remember anything until I woke up in the post-op room, which was right next to the pre-op room. My mom said one of the nurses tried explaining the post-op instructions to me while I was still asleep. It took me a long time to wake up from surgery. I felt like I had cramps, but the pain was manageable. I dozed on and off until a nurse came over and asked if I could walk. I said, “I guess so.” She walked me over to a bunch of armchairs and had me sit down on the end. My mom wasn’t allowed to come with me; she had to wait in an area near the elevators, where there were some chairs.

They offered something to eat and drink. I had some tea and saltines. They offered me cake, which looked like it had been sitting out for a while. No thank you. I ate the saltines and drank the tea. The nurse asked if I wanted to try to go to the bathroom. Again, I said, “I guess.” She walked me to the bathroom. While I was still asleep, they put some thin, almost gauze-like underwear on me with a thick pad. She gave me another pad to replace it with. I sat down on the toilet and a lot of blood came out, but no pee. I called the nurse back in and told her I couldn’t pee. She showed me the blood and said she was worried about all of it (why???). She said she was going to call my doctor. My anesthesiologist came over and asked how I was feeling. I said I was feeling pretty good. I was glad he checked in on me. I sat back down and had more tea to drink.

Apparently, the fluid in my IV wasn’t actually going into my body. The part of the tube closest to my hand seemed to be jammed with blood. I think this is why I had trouble peeing, because there was no fluid going into me, besides what I was drinking. My mom came over and sat with me for a while. The doctor came, looked at the blood (which the nurse had kept covered in the bathroom), and said it was normal. It was the last of everything come out after gravity pulled it from me when I stood up and walked around. The doctor left, and my mom was again told she couldn’t wait with me.

I drank two more cups of water, then waited until I felt like I had to pee. The nurse led me to the bathroom again. I asked her if she could hang up the blanket I had over my shoulders, and she pointed to the hook and said, “sure, you can hang it up.” I told her I couldn’t reach up there, I’d just had surgery on my chest. I thought it was weird she hadn’t just done it for me in the first place, considering I could barely stand up straight.

I sat on the toilet for maybe a half hour, until I could finally force some pee out. I was told not to lock the door, in case I need a nurse to come in and help me. Apparently, no one was guarding the door, because two people walked in on me at two different times. I was too out of it to really care. I finally peed enough that the one nurse was happy with. She flushed it down the toilet instead of keeping it in the ‘hat’ they used to measure your pee output. The other nurse didn’t seem happy about that. She made me sit down again and drink more. I asked her why I was still waiting, considering I’d done everything I needed to do before they could discharge me. She said I needed to pee again, and I said I already had. She said she had to talk to the doctor.

Apparently, the doctor said it was alright for me to leave, because they let me get dressed. My mom helped me. The nurse came over and asked to see the pad in my underwear to see how much blood there was. She was satisfied with whatever she saw. They told me to drink a lot of water and sent me on my way.

My mom bought me an orange juice and a Clif bar for the ride home. I wasn’t really hungry but thought I should eat. My throat was killing me from the tube they placed for the anesthesia. I had to stop at a Starbucks on the way home to pee.

I was prescribed Percocet, which I didn’t take. I didn’t take the Oxycodone they prescribed me after top surgery, either. After top surgery, I only took extra strength Tylenol, and for the first two days after my hysto, I took Tylenol and Ibuprofen. I got home, laid on the couch, and ate some soup and pretzels for dinner. I had bad gas pains in my neck and shoulders.

The next couple of days, I felt decent, but didn’t have much of an appetite. I also found that I lost the ability to feel when I had to pee. I just made sure to pee every couple of hours. Today, I feel like that ability is slowly coming back. However, peeing does still take longer than it used to. And, I’m constipated, which didn’t happen after top surgery. Stool softeners are helping. On day two, I had gas pains in my neck and shoulders again, and I also was very tired. I napped for an hour and a half in the afternoon, and spent most of the day on the couch. Day three, I felt a lot better. My appetite started to come back, and I wasn’t as tired. I went for a walk in the afternoon. 
Today, my appetite is continuing to return. I went for a little bit of a longer walk. I also went for my two week post-op appointment for top surgery. I had my drains out the day before my hysto, but unfortunately, I’ve had some fluid in my right side of my chest. My surgeon stuck a needle into my chest and drained it, and told me to massage my chest a few times a day and to keep wearing my compression binder. Hopefully, the fluid won’t come back, but she said it might. My throat also still hurts from the anesthetic.

I’m not allowed to do anything more strenuous than walking for at least a couple of weeks, if not more. My hysto surgeon said I’d have to take a month off work, so with already having taken nearly two weeks off before my hysto for top surgery, that’ll be a total of six weeks off from work. But from the way I’m feeling only four days after surgery, I think I may be able to go back sooner, as long as I take it easy. I guess we’ll see. I’ve just been feeling very antsy. Being able to hang out and take a break from Real Life was nice for a couple weeks, but now I’m antsy and want to get back to Real Life. I want to be able to run and lift weights and bike and go to work…but I know I have to be patient.

Overall, I’m very happy with the results of both my surgeries. The seroma complication with my top surgery is more of an annoyance than a genuine concern. It probably happened because the one drain was taken out a little too soon, but I really didn’t want to have to deal with getting a second surgery with the drains still in.

Both of my surgeons are wonderful people and incredibly competent doctors. Obviously, the quality of the nurses I had during my post-op from my hysto weren’t great. But I don’t blame my surgeon for that, nor do I think it shows any reflection on her level of care. I’m healing great and I feel pretty good, besides still feeling vaguely bloated and crampy still.

Please let me know if you have any questions! I’m happy to answer anything about the surgery, my recovery, etc. I know I’m in a relatively unique situation considering my top surgery and hysto were so close together.

[crashtacular-blog]

I was tagged by @fire-fira​

rules: Write 92 truths about yourself then tag 25 people Long ass post.

LAST… [1] drink: Water [2] phone call: My sister [3] text message: “sorry i fell asleep!!” to my friend [4] song you listened to: know who you are from moana [5] time you cried: this morning

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: I think so? [7] been cheated on: yeah [8] kissed someone and regretted it: yes jfc [9] lost someone special: death in family, yeah, if that’s what this is referring to [10] been depressed: yeah, im not on meds anymore but i’m diagnosed and i’ve been to the hospital for it. ive gotten better managing, though, i like to think. [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: gross. no. i’m like 16, also i have no interest whatsoever in alcohol. i have a phobia of vomit and it just smells awful.

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS: [12] Cotton candy blue [13] Cherry red [14] Mint green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: Of course! [16] fallen out of love: Yeah. [17] laughed until you cried: The yee video came back and it killed me like it always does. [18] found out someone was talking about you: An awful lot. Like, borderline disproportionate. [19] met someone who changed you: Absolutely. [20] found out who your true friends are: Uh... no, not really. People don’t really like me very much, at least not where I am. I kind of just socialize so I can get through it, people put up with me, and I wait to pick my pond when I can get out of here. [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: See fallen out of love and someone was talking about me.

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: The large majority. [23] do you have any pets: My dog’s name is Kanani. [24] do you want to change your name: lmao im trans so i mean, check [25] what did you do for your last birthday: I planned a party to which two people showed up. spent all day anxiously waiting for ‘fallen out of love’ guy to show up (surprise, he never did). [26] what time did you wake up: 2 PM. lmao. [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: Replies [28] name something you cannot wait for: Season 3 of Young Justice and graduation, also getting a boyfriend that’ll actually not be the worst human alive smh [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: friday! i love her [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: people actually liked me [31] what are you listening to right now: my own typing, the ac [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: no [33] something that is getting on your nerves: nasty stuff about people and how they feel about trans people. [34] most visited website: Tumblr and Ao3 [35] elementary: consisted of a lot of hopping around and moving, pretty poor because my parents hit a rough patch. [36] high school: is going okay, i guess [37] college: i guess we’ll see? [38] hair color: Red [39] long or short hair: short but p fluffy [40] do you have a crush on someone: yeah [41] what do you like about yourself: im kinda cute. im a good singer and a good actor, im going to be really sensational one day. [42] piercings: i want some!! maybe fake ones. snakebites, or an eyebrow one, or an industrial [43]blood type: no clue. [44] nickname: toby, short for tobias. kalei, because it’s my middle name. [45] relationship status: single pringle and v sad about it [46] zodiac sign: cancer [47] pronouns: he/him [48] fav tv show: young justice? [49] tattoos: when im old enough i want angel wings on my back [50] right or left hand: right

FIRST… [51] surgery: no idea. [52] piercing: my ears when i was a baby [53] best friend: this girl named julia that moved away when i was like 10 [54] sport: kickball? lol [55] vacation: A camping trip when i was 10. It was a lot of fun! [56] pair of trainers: LOL i dont remember

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: Nothing [58] drinking: Nothing [59] i’m about to: log onto bart and do replies [60] listening to: nothing much [61] waiting for: sleep to happen [62] want: a boyfriend [63] get married: maybe one day? [64] career: best case scenario, singing and acting one way or another.

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: kisses, if its the right person. i love kisses. [66] lips or eyes: depends on the person! i love eyes though [67] shorter or taller: taller than me, if you’re trying to date me. Definitely. [68] older or younger: Older, probably. [70] nice arms or nice stomach: Yes! but, um, probably stomach. [71] sensitive or loud: Sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: depends, i guess. sometimes i just want to have fun, but if i really like a person i wont just hook up. [73] troublemaker or hesitant: Some of both is good!

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? Nah [75] drank hard liquor? Ew no [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? I don’t wear them [77] turned someone down: yes [78] sex on first date? i don’t think so? i’ve had sex with no date, though, lmao. people don’t really want to date me, but like i said, im cute [79] broken someone’s heart? maybe. i dont know. i hope not. [80] had your own heart broken? yes [81] been arrested? Yeah, when i ran away and they caught me. see depression [82] cried when someone died? I cried when i thought someone was dead [83] fallen for a friend? a couple times, yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? occasionally [85] miracles? not religious ones. in a poetic sense. [86] love at first sight? no [87] Santa Claus? lmao? [88] kiss on the first date? yes. i love kisses. literally i cannot stress how much i like kissing. its so cute. [89] angels?  no lmfao

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: Zoe [91] eye color: Blue/green [92] favorite movie: Probably Spirited Away

I tag: whoever wants to !!! <3

[thisdaynews]

Tom Smith: Former British and Irish Lions prop reveals stage four cancer diagnosis

New Post has been published on https://thebiafrastar.com/tom-smith-former-british-and-irish-lions-prop-reveals-stage-four-cancer-diagnosis/

Tom Smith: Former British and Irish Lions prop reveals stage four cancer diagnosis

Media playback is not supported on this device

Tom Smith: Scottish and Lions legend discusses his cancer diagnosis

The British and Irish Lions squad that beat South Africa in 1997 was full of giants.

The towering physical presence of Martin Johnson and Lawrence Dallaglio, the dominant personalities of Scott Gibbs and Keith Wood. And a diminutive, quiet, loose-head prop called Tom Smith.

Tom was an unsung hero. He shunned the limelight. But he started every Test on that tour, and every Test on the Lions tour four years later in Australia. He was a key part of the great Scotland team that won the final Five Nations Championship in 1999.

I covered a lot of Scotland games that year, but I never met Tom. Press officers knew not to ask him; in the well-worn phrase, he did his talking on the pitch. But now I’m sitting opposite him, across the kitchen table of his house in France, doing the interview no-one ever wants to do.

Because Tom has stage four cancer.

Listen to the full interview with Tom Smith in a BBC Sounds special podcast

It’s in his colon, and it’s spread to his brain and liver. He’s having painful, intrusive treatment with the aim of extending his time with his family for as long as possible.

Tom is 48 and has three children – aged 18, 17 and nine. As autumn began this year, he and his family were on a canoe trip on the Dordogne river, seemingly without a care in the world.

But Tom was trying to ignore pains in his abdomen which wouldn’t go away. He lost weight, couldn’t sleep because of the discomfort, and started passing blood. Deep down, he knew it was bad.

Finally his wife Zoe dragged him to A&E at Bordeaux hospital, and the Smith family’s life turned upside down.

Tom Smith (middle right) made 67 international appearances – 61 for Scotland and six for the British and Irish Lions

“I played rugby for 15 years professionally,” Tom says. “Aches and pains are part of the deal as you get older. I think I wrote it off until it got to the point that I needed to do something.

“I try to get on with things and that’s probably my downfall.”

Even though he now regrets that pragmatism – “I was an idiot to ignore the symptoms”, he tells me on the phone later – that uncomplaining nature was typical of him as a player. It helped him cope with epilepsy during his playing career, and it’s something he will need a lot of in the weeks ahead.

He has already had two gruelling sessions of chemotherapy, and a course of radiotherapy, with more to come. The prognosis is not good. The tumour in his colon has meant his diet is severely restricted; he lost 10 kilos in 10 days. And alcohol is banned.

Tom recalls an early Scotland tour, when coach Jim Telfer had imposed a no-booze rule. His room-mate Doddie Weir had other ideas, and Tom was inducted into ‘whisky club’. He felt well and truly welcomed to the team.

Doddie has motor neurone disease, and along with many in the rugby community, Tom has been closely involved with fundraising to support motor neurone research, as well as the Weir family. He even played in a benefit game before the Ireland v England match during this year’s Six Nations in Dublin.

Eleanor Oldroyd met Tom Smith at his house in south west France

Just a few short months ago, the future seemed clear; his elder children, Angus and Amelie, planning for university, his younger son Teddy looking forward to secondary school in a couple of years. He and wife Zoe bought their dream house in France, which they are hoping to do up and run as a business. But the speed of Tom’s illness has been frightening.

Now he’s hoping some of the generosity of spirit which imbues the sport he loves will be sent his way.

“Life has changed very quickly,” he says. “I want to do the right thing for my family; this all leaves you a bit exposed. I’m lucky enough to have a good group of friends and a strong community helping and supporting.”

A fundraising dinneris planned in London, in March 2020, to which his team-mates from the 1997 Lions and 1999 Scotland squad have committed their time. Tom doesn’t know whether he will make it himself.

In addition, a fundraising page has been set up, with charities focusing on bowel cancer, and supporting families in financial hardship as the result of cancer, set to benefit. But it’s clear that asking for help runs completely against the grain for this humble and low-key man.

I suggest to him this interview will unleash an outpouring of love from across the rugby world, including in Northampton, where he played for eight successful years and was awarded a testimonial game before which both teams ran out wearing number one shirts in front of a packed Franklin’s Gardens.

He squirms slightly when I suggest he is among the legends of the game, and ask him what he would say to the fans who supported him during his playing career.

“Just… thank you,” he says. “I’ve always had a good relationship with the fans. This is such an accessible sport, and it feels nice to have people pulling in my direction. Whatever you want to do – send a prayer, some positive vibes – it’s all appreciated.”

Back on that Lions tour of 1997, Tom – all 5ft 10in and 16st of him – put his body on the line against a South Africa front row which featured the giant prop Os du Randt – 6ft 3in and weighing 21st. To all watching, he appeared nerveless and indomitable, but he admits the fear of failure drove him in his playing career. So what is his greatest fear now?

“The uncertainty is something which provokes fear,” he says. “I’d like to bring as much certainty as I can to the future of my family. That will help me.

“It’s quite daunting because some of the treatment is very unpleasant. But I’ve faced some tough opponents, and the least you can do is fight. So let’s fight.”

For more information, support and advice on cancer, click here

Read More