#BUT she and Seb struggle with wanting things and doubting if they deserve anything so

[breadedsinner]

I think an overlying theme across all 3 of my canon girls and their relationships is "I need to believe there's hope for you, so that I can believe there's hope for me, too,".

[nooneelsecomesclose17]

I'm just gonna keep on waiting underneath the mistletoe

I had the idea for a fic about Robert retiring in my F1 universe for a while but never got the urge to actually write it. Then I was struggling madly with the Mistletoe prompt for today and I started writing this. So yeah the prompt itself is a bit shoehorned in but allow me it!

Also I'm playing massively fast and loose with the F1 calendar because I'm pretty sure there's no way the British GP would be held in December but I had to for the throwback to the original fic.

If you haven't read it you can find it here. It's not strictly necessary as this will stand alone pretty much, but why not have a read anyway.

Robron Week Christmas Special - Day 4

A fic a day in December - Day 22

(AO3 link)

Robert had had a good morning, he’d had breakfast with his daughter which was always fun, and then he’d completed a load of paperwork that he’d been putting off before heading into the gym he and Aaron had installed a couple of years before to save driving into Hotten to use the one at the team base. Although he missed Aaron he was feeling happy enough. He should’ve known it wouldn’t last.

He stepped off the treadmill, throwing a towel round his neck as he picked up his phone. Sighing as he saw it was Chrissie he debated not answering it but given how many times she’d called he doubted it’d stop her.

“What do you want Chrissie?”

“Nice greeting. I wouldn’t keep ringing if you’d just answer your phone. I need to see you.”

“Why?” He couldn’t think of anything he wanted to do less.

“Not over the phone. Meet me at Alonso’s in Hotten tomorrow. One o’clock.”

“Chrissie, you can’t just…” It was no use, she’d gone. He couldn’t think what she wanted. He’d not heard from her since she’d dumped him over four years ago and he had no idea what she wanted with him now. What he did know was, he had to tell Aaron.

_____

“What do you think she wanted?” Aaron asks when he calls him that night. Just his luck it’s all happening when Aaron’s away for a couple of days doing publicity for the team.

“I don’t know, I don’t even want to go to lunch with her. Maybe I should just not bother.”

“Don’t be daft, it’s obviously important or she wouldn’t keep ringing. If you don’t show she’ll just come to the house.” Robert screwed his nose up, that was the last thing he wanted. The house was his and Aaron’s sanctuary, a place to shut the world out.

The next day takes an age, waiting for lunch, thinking of nothing else until he’s kissing Ella goodbye and leaving Chas in charge and driving to the restaurant. She’s waiting for him, looking the same as she had the last time he’d seen her, although slightly less mad, given she’d just found out he’d slept with her sister.

“Chrissie. I’d say it was a pleasure…”

“Yes well it’s not where I want to be but I had no choice. I’ve been trying to get hold of you for ages!”

“Can’t resist me? Even after all this time.”

“Shut up Robert.” She stops as the waiter comes over to take their order. “It’s about Rebecca.”

“Chrissie, that was years ago.”

“She’s dead.” He just looks at her open mouthed. Of everything he’d expected the lunch to be about that wasn’t anywhere on the list. “It was a car accident a month ago.”

“Chrissie, I’m so sorry.”

“Are you?” He supposed he deserved that. It seems like a lifetime ago that they dated, when he’d been a different person.

“Of course I am! How’s your Dad? Lachlan?” His mind is reeling as she tells him how they’ve coped. “I still don’t…I mean you didn’t drag me here to tell me that?”

“No. The thing is…your little…dalliance with my sister…” She trails off and opens her bag, sliding a photo across the table. “This is Sebastian, Seb. He was five two months ago.”

He looks at the picture of a little boy, ice cream in hand, sun hat on, bright blue eyes shining with happiness. His brain is ahead of him, already doing the calculations.

“He’s mine? He can’t be. It was just...”

“Please do me the courtesy of not saying it was only once. He is Robert, you only have to look at him and my sister wouldn’t lie, not about that.” He nods, he can see it, he has a look of Vic when she was little, there’s really no doubt. “I’m not after your money either.”

“I didn’t think you were. So what…why did she keep him from me Chrissie?”

“I don’t know, she never said. She disappeared not long after you and I started going out, only came back a couple of years ago with Seb. Probably scared you’d try and take him or I’d never speak to her again, I don’t know, but now she’s not here and…she left instructions that if anything were to happen then he was to be with you.” He sits back in his chair, not sure how to answer. “I know this is a shock, but this is what she wanted Robert and as much as I despise you, I’ll carry out her wishes, and besides he should be with his father.”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t know what else to say.

“I thought, maybe you could come over at the weekend, and meet him and we’d go from there. I have to be in France in a month so we have to get moving.”

“I’m sure we can keep to your schedule. I need to talk to Aaron first.” He had no idea what he was going to say. Aaron loved kids, he was fantastic with Ella, but this was different, this was a child from another relationship, he had no idea how to even start the conversation.

_____

He should’ve known Aaron would be amazing, he’d stumbled and stammered over the phone, telling him everything the minute he can get hold of him. Chas had asked what was wrong when he’d arrived home but he’d shrugged it off not wanting her to know before Aaron. He could only imagine what she’d say.

“I’m sorry.” He says, slumping down onto the sofa, Ella colouring happily at the table in front of him oblivious to the turmoil her Dad is going through.

“What are you sorry for?” Aaron asked. “You didn’t know Robert, there’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“You’re not mad?”

“At her for keeping him from you, yeah, but not at you. I know you, you would’ve been there for him if you’d known. I can’t be angry about something that happened before I knew you.”

“You didn’t sign up for this though.” He wished he were here, wished he could hold him, he always made everything feel better.

“For what? Another kid? Your son? Rob, we have a daughter, we always talked about more one day and I know it’s not the same but he’s your little boy and I’ll love him like my own. Is that what you’re worried about?”

“I guess. I just…what if he hates me for not being there, thinks I don't love him?”

“He won’t. We’ll deal with anything together.” He sighs. “Do you want me to come with you on Saturday?”

“Yeah, please.”

“Then I will. Don’t worry, we’ll sort everything out.”

“Don’t know where I’d be without you.” He relaxed a little. “So how’s it going?”

“Boring, as always. Think yourself lucky you got to stay home.” He laughs. Aaron’s hatred of any of the publicity side of racing was legendary and had never improved.

_____

The next day dawns and he’s barely slept, too many things going around his head. His phone is lighting up even before he’s out of bed and when he glances at it he can feel his stress levels climbing already.

F1 ace in cosy lunch with ex

Playing away Robert?

While the cat’s away

The articles are accompanied by photos of him and Chrissie in the restaurant, full of speculation about him cheating on Aaron, telling the readers how Aaron was away working while he was enjoying intimate lunches, making everything sound so awful. They’d raked up everything in his past, all the articles they’d written before most of which were wrong.

He resisted the urge to throw the phone across the room, instead choosing to ring Aaron, to assure him again that nothing was going on.

“Have you seen the papers today?”

“Yeah.” He sounds funny, and Robert instantly thinks it’s because of him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Will you stop apologising. Not the first time the press have come for us, probably won’t be the last.” That was true, they hadn’t let up the whole time they’d been together. They’d got used to it mostly, but even so he wished they could just lock themselves away.

“That’s not very comforting. I don’t know what to do. If I make a statement with the truth…we haven’t even seen Seb yet.”

“So don’t. Who cares what anyone else thinks Robert.”

“And you?”

“I trust you. I don’t have any reason not to do I?”

“No!”

“There you go then. Let them say what they like, they’re the ones who are going to look stupid in the end. Just concentrate on Seb, and when I get home we’ll go see him and go from there, ok?”

_____

“You alright?” Aaron asked as they stood outside the house, hands clutched together.

“No…yes…I don’t know.” He hadn’t slept the night before, giving up on sleep at four in the morning, getting up to watch trashy TV and pace around the living room. Aaron squeezes his hand and reaches forward to knock on the door, standing back until Chrissie answers.

“Robert, Aaron, come on in.” She leads them into the living room that Robert remembers from when they were dating and then he sees him and his breath catches. There’s really no doubt as he looks at him, almost the spit of Victoria at that age.

“Seb, this is Daddy…remember we talked about him?” Chrissie said gently to the little boy sat in front of the telly, clutching a cuddly giraffe as if his life depended on it. He looked up at Aaron not knowing what to do, still coming to terms with the fact that he was a Dad again. Eventually Seb shook his head looking up at him warily. He crouched beside the sofa, realising he must seem gigantic to him.

“Hi. That’s a very cool giraffe you’ve got there. Does he have a name?”

“Bobby. Mummy said it’s cos that’s your name.” Robert blinks back tears then, angry that Rebecca had kept him from him, had clearly told him about Robert, but had never tried to introduce them. He didn’t know what to say, tries to smile at least because he can’t let Seb think he’s angry at him. “Have you got your car here?”

“Hmm? Yeah me and Aaron came in a car.”

“No, your fast one. Mummy used to let me watch.”

“He means your race car Rob.” Aaron tells him, coming over to join them. “Not today Seb, it’s in the garage all tucked up ready for another race, but if you want we can go there one day so you can see. Would you like that?”

“Who are you?” He asks after nodding.

“This is Aaron, he’s my husband. Do you know what that means?”

“It means you love him!” He says with a little giggle.

“Yeah. Um, did Aunty Chrissie explain what’s happening? That you’re going to come and live with us?” He nods, going quiet again, the stranglehold on the giraffe getting tighter. “You can come and see everyone whenever you want, you know.”

“Ok. Do you have toys at your house?”

“Yeah and we’ll bring yours with us, and we have a little girl too, she’s only three, but I think you’ll like her. You’re a big brother now mate.”

“When can I meet her?”

“Soon. We’re going to talk to Aunty Chrissie about that right now.” He wanted to take him right there and then, but he knew it wasn’t practical, they still hadn’t got anything for his room.

_____

It had all gone swimmingly really, much better than he could’ve hoped, Seb settled right in with them. He was quiet but that was only to be expected with so much change in his life so quickly.

The family had rallied round as always, with helping to move his stuff, to keeping him occupied while Aaron and Robert had to work.

Everything had been brilliant until he and Aaron had to leave for Australia. He felt stupid that it hadn’t occurred to him that he would have to leave him. They’d taken Ella with them for the first two years of her life, finding that easier than leaving her at home. Then Chas had taken over babysitting duties, and would with Seb. With Seb though it was different, he’d just lost his Mum and they didn’t want him to think they were abandoning him too.

“I don’t know what to do.” He admitted to Aaron a few days before they were due to leave. Seb had heard them talking about going and had got upset. It had taken ages to settle him down so he could sleep and Robert was almost as bad.

“He’ll come round, it’s just all new right now.”

“Maybe I should call Paul, get him to find someone else to take my seat, for Melbourne at least.”

“What?” Aaron sits up in bed looking at him.

“You saw him, he was distraught. It’s not fair on your Mum either is it. It was a lot to ask of her with Ella and we’ve been taking her with us mostly, but we can’t do that with Seb, he has to go to school.”

“Mum doesn’t mind you know that.” She’d offered straight away said it was no problem.

“I know…I just, he’s lost his Mum, he’s living in a new house with new people, it just feels wrong to go and leave him.”

“Do you want to take him? I can call Vic, arrange the flight. You saw how mad on cars he was.”

“No. It’s too far.” As much as he didn’t want to leave him he knew that it was too far to take him. “It’s just hard. He knows we race but I don’t think he understands that means we have to leave. I don’t know how to explain it to him.”

“Well Mum did have an idea that might help.”

_____

“Daddy, where are you going?” Seb asks, walking in on him packing his bags the night before they had to leave.

“Australia, remember, we talked about it?” Seb shook his head, giraffe once more clutched in his hand, pouting and Robert hoped it didn’t mean another tantrum was coming. “Come on, l got something for you.”

He takes his hand, leading him into his room, lifting him onto the bed before handing him a wrapped parcel.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a map, of the whole world. You know that me and Papa have to go away to race our cars don’t you?” Seb nods, ripping the paper away from the package. “Well I know you’re sad that you can’t come with us, so Nana Chas suggested I get you this and then we can put a mark on each place we go so you’ll always knows where we are. What do you think?”

“Rather come with you.”

“I know mate, but it’s ever such a long way away and you have to go to school. You know you love school and seeing all your friends. I promise you can come to some of the races, with your sister, just not all ok? So, shall we put this up on your wall?” Seb nods, but he still looks sad. “Now, do you know where Australia is?”

Seb shook his head. “No.”

“Let’s get the map up and then I’ll show you.” He sits Seb back on the bed and quickly pins the map to the wall. “Right, this is England, where we live, and right down here is Australia.”

“Far away.”

“It is. But you know that we’ll be back next week don’t you, eh? And you’ll be alright with Nana Chas.”

“Want to see you race the cars.”

“You will. She’s going to record it for you to watch because it’ll be the night time here when we’re racing. And you know what, we need you to look after Ella for us too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, that’s what big brothers do. Nana has plenty of fun things planned for you too while we’re away, you’ll have so much fun you won’t even miss us.”

“Will so.” Seb pouts.

_____

The first races away had been dreadful, he hadn’t been able to concentrate, being so far away, the time difference messing everything up and he’d hated every single second. They had taken him to the next couple of races that had been in Europe and if anything it had helped the two of them bond but it wasn’t a permanent solution. It was something they’d known would come up when Ella started school anyway, they just hadn’t expected to face it quite so soon.

Seb appearing at the races nearer home had started off a whole new round of press rumours and a part of him was just done with it all, tired of having to defend every part of their life, of having no privacy. He knew he had a decision to make, one he hadn’t expected to come for a good few years.

“I need to talk to you.” He said to Aaron as he came back in from his qualifying session in Spain. They were done for the day and it was probably a terrible time to do this but he had to, needed to get it out.

“Can’t it wait until I’ve dealt with the rabble?” He nodded his head to the waiting press.

“I…” Of course it could, but he almost needed him to validate his decision, to tell him he was doing the right thing.

“Go on then.”

“I’m thinking of quitting.” Aaron had just stood there stunned, not saying anything for a good minute.

“What? Because of Seb? We’ll manage Rob, I told you. It’s getting easier every time.”

“For him yeah. But…it’s not just that. Mainly it is, but…I’m getting older Aaron, it’s not like I’ve got that many more years left in me.” He’d felt it for a while but this season has just cemented it in his mind that his best was behind him.

“But…you’re just dumping this on me now?” He looks behind him at the waiting press huddle.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to keep it from you and I need to speak to Paul, you know my contract’s up anyway.” He shrugged. It wasn’t just about Seb, he’d lost that passion this last season, the fire in his belly. It’d crept up on him and Seb had just made the decision a lot easier. “I owe it to him to give him as much notice as possible. What do you think?”

“Is it what you want?” He nods. “Then there’s nothing I can say is there.”

“You think it’s the wrong decision?”

“I think you’re still coming to terms with everything and maybe you should wait, see how Seb gets on when he stays with Mum a few more times. Like you said we’d have to decide something properly with Ella soon enough. Just…think about it a while yeah?”

He had, he’d left it for weeks, but nothing changed. Seb settled in better than any of them hoped in the end, but the idea had taken root in Robert’s head and he couldn’t shift it. The continued stories and rumours in the press hadn’t helped, this time because of him crashing and ruining Aaron’s race. They’d got pictures of them arguing after which was apparently evidence of fractures in their marriage even though in reality it was nothing more than Aaron letting off steam, just as Robert had many times before. He knew it was rubbish but that didn’t stop him being tired of the whole circus. Vic had had to pull him back from storming up to the press more than once.

_____

“I made an appointment with Paul for next week.” He tells Aaron as they wait in the airport lounge for their flight home from Hungary a few weeks later. Aaron nods. They’d talked it over and over the past few weeks and he’d not got any closer to making a decision, but he knew he had to.

“Ok.”

“I know Seb’s ok, he’s great but it’s so long to be away, the season just keeps getting longer and longer, and Ella will be at school soon enough too. She can’t be at races anymore without Seb feeling left out anyway. We can’t keep palming her off on your Mum like we have been.” When she was little she’d gone everywhere with them, the darling of the paddock, and it had been easy, but now with Seb, with her being older, it wasn’t practical.

“She loves having her. Both of them. If anything she spoils them so much I’m worried they won’t want to come home when we get back.”

“I know…I want to be there for him, for both of them, but he lost his Mum and then we’re jetting off every other week, it’s not settled for him.”

“Whatever you decide I’ll support you, you know that. You don’t need to justify it for me. I just wanted you to do it for the right reason, not just because you felt guilty at not being in his life. That wasn’t your fault.”

“I know. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with though.”

“So you’re going to quit.” It’s a statement not a question. Aaron knew he’d made his mind up.

“Want is too strong…but it’s coming anyway, and besides it’s not like I’m getting a raw deal. No more hotel beds, no more four a.m flights, no more dealing with the press…sounds good to me.”

“You don’t fool me. I know you love all that.” Once upon a time he had, the whole high life that formula one gave was a bit like a drug, you couldn’t get enough. Now he knew it wasn’t the be all and end all to life, what he had with Aaron and their family was much better.

“Not as much as I love our son and daughter.”

“And I don’t?” He looked at him, that was never a question. Aaron doted on Seb like he was his own, had from day one, and Robert loved him for it.

“Aaron…come on, I didn’t say that. That’s not what I meant. Look I’m thirty seven next year, I’ve got another couple of years, maybe three if I’m lucky. I don’t want to be someone clinging on when I can barely make the back row. I always wanted to go out on top. I’m not really there anymore but close enough. You…you’ve got four world titles, years left to get more, to be the best there ever was…and when you do I’ll be right there with our kids. But now’s my time to go.”

“You signed a contract.”

“Yeah. So I do the rest of this year and no more.” He could break it he knew that, retire right away, but the team had been good to him, he wouldn’t let them down. He could do six more months.

“Maybe you’ll beat me this year, then you’ll change your mind.” Robert laughed, Aaron was already a good few points clear of him and the rest of the field.

“I won’t. I’ve had my time, had my glory. I mean it.” He adds at Aaron’s sceptical look.

“And when I leave every other weekend, when I’m gone weeks on end, you won’t end up resenting me?”

“I won’t, I promise. I’m not saying me and Ella, and Seb won’t be at any of the races, oof course we will be, but…I meant it I’m getting old Aaron. All these new kids keep coming in and, it doesn’t feel like it used to. I’m going through the motions more often than not.” It felt strange to be admitting it, but he’d felt it for a while. The thrill of it wasn’t there anymore, and sometimes he’d found himself backing off when the younger him would’ve rushed in and to hell with the consequences. “If that’s what’s bothering you then stop. Nothing’s going to change how I feel about you Aaron, certainly not this. It’s the best thing for our family. To be honest I’m tired of the press thinking they have a god given right to us, to our family as well.”

“That’s not going to change, at least not if I keep racing.” Maybe it wouldn’t, but he wouldn’t be in the middle of it all.

“Which you are.”

“Says you.” He fires back. Robert knew he wasn’t serious, he still loved it.

“Yeah, damn right. I’m not doing this just cos of that, being rid of them is just one of the benefits. I’m old Aaron, I feel old. I want to retire. Maybe I’ll get a veg patch or something.” Aaron snorts at that making the couple over the other side of the room look up at them. “I could get a veg patch.”

“You could. I won’t cancel our supermarket order just yet though eh?”

“Idiot.”

“You really won’t be mad that I don’t follow suit?”

“God no. I want you to go out there and break the record for the most Championships, which means you have to win at least four more before you even think about retiring.”

“You really think I can?” He shakes his head, how can Aaron still be so unsure after all these years, after being awarded countless honours.

“Absolutely. And me, and our kids will be right there when you do.” Aaron doesn’t answer and Robert doesn’t fill the silence, knowing he has to process everything his own way.

“You’re sure about this?”

“Hundred percent. It’s time.” The more times he said it, the more sure he was.

_____

That had been months ago. He’d talked to the team, his boss had been disappointed but understanding, and now it was here, his final race. It was like every other race day, in every way, except one.

It was the last time he was going to go on the drivers parade, the last time he’d line up for a national anthem, the last time he’d watch those five lights, hoping his reflexes were good enough.

He’d lost count of the number of races he’d started, he knew it was in the two hundreds and this was the last one. After this he got to go home and enjoy Christmas with his family and not think about racing ever again.

Except of course he would because Aaron would still be here, but for him it was time to say goodbye and hang up his racing boots.

He’d thought he’d be more sad, that he’d be having second thoughts. Instead he’s excited for the future. He’d already had offers, an autobiography, TV work, all sorts of stuff for sponsors and the best bit was he didn’t have to take any of them if he didn’t want to. He could just stay at home and do what he liked. He and Aaron didn’t have to worry about money, they were well off and still pretty careful with it.

He would do something, he knew he’d be bored if he didn’t in the end, but just the thought of spending quality time with the kids was enough. Maybe when Ella started school and he had more free time he would reconsider.

He looks at his watch, he should be getting out there but he was enjoying the peace. He knew as soon as he set foot outside the motorhome he’d be hounded by the press. He’d only announced his retirement the day before. Even though the team had known for months, as had most of the drivers, it hadn’t been confirmed until the previous day and the press had been trying to speak to him ever since.

He knew why, despite denials the rumours had kept on going all year, that he’d cheated, that Seb was a result of that because none of them could seemingly work out the maths, that he and Aaron were on the verge of splitting up. No matter what they’d said or did they hadn’t stopped.

Aaron had been amazing through it all, and the four of them were as happy as they could be. Seb had settled at his new school like a champ, coming home each day with tales of what they’d done, being the best big brother to Ella. He still got disappointed when they’d leave, but Chas’s idea of the map on the wall had helped a lot and each time they had to stick a pin in it so he’d know where they were. They’d already decided keep it going next year when it was just Aaron leaving.

He wasn’t sure how he’d feel when Aaron had to leave next year as much as he’d reassured him he’d be fine, when he should be going with him. It’d be odd, he’d been doing this since he was seventeen one way or another. It was going to be a hell of a change, he knew that, and he hoped he could deal with it.

“Oi. You’re late.” A voice sounds from behind him and then Aaron’s wrapping his arms around his waist, leaning his chin on Robert’s shoulder. “Paul’s doing his nut.”

“I’ve been here before.” He smiles up at him. His husband, just one more thing the sport had given him. “I was on my way.”

“Looked like it. Come on, one more chance to beat me.”

“Yeah, in a minute.” Aaron pulls away, stepping in front of him, looking worried.

“What’s up? Not having second thoughts are you?”

“No, just thinking. You know everyone thinks I’m trying to outrun the stories don’t you?”

“So what? We know the truth. Since when have you cared about the press and anyone else?”

“I don’t.” He stands up straight. “S’pose I’m just being maudlin. I’m allowed.”

“I suppose.” Aaron shivered as they walked out of the motorhome. “What the hell possessed them to hold the British GP in December?”

“What else? Money.”

“I hate this race.” Robert didn’t comment, he knew well enough why. It had bothered him the first couple of times he’d been back after his accident, but he knew Aaron still had the odd nightmare about those days after.

“I know.” He pulled him into a quick hug. There was nothing else he could say. “Stupid time of year for a race, you’re right. I’m sure there were icicles hanging off my tyres yesterday.”

“Idiot.”

“Come on then, time for me to kick your arse, for old times sake.” Aaron’s laugh echoes as they walk out hand in hand and he can’t help but think back to last year when he finally made the decision.

_____

When they reach the garage he switches to race mode, nothing else gets a look in. Aaron’s the same, if anything he’s more focussed than Robert. Ever since his injury years before he didn’t have the same single tracked mind. He supposes he’s learnt there’s more to life. It was different with Aaron, he was still at the top of the game, still won with ease, something Robert had been struggling to do for a while. He just didn’t mind quite as much as he used to.

Strangely enough, once he’d decided to quit it was like a weight lifted off him, he hadn’t realised how much it had been playing on his mind and his season had gone better than ever, in fact he was still in a shout of the title. Wouldn’t that be a fitting end to a pretty decent career? It’d shut the press up too he thought with a smile. There’d been too many headlines speculating on him being over the hill or whatever phrase was in fashion this week. Maybe he’d show them just one more time.

There’s just one problem. The same problem he’s had for nearly five years.

Aaron.

They’ve enjoyed the season, fighting it out, laughing at the press wondering just how it affected their marriage as they had since they’d got together, and now Aaron was just one point clear of him. If he won, then he’d get one more title before he retired. He found he wanted it more than he’d expected.

He’d thought he’d lost the thrill of it, but when he’s in the car one last time, it’s right there with him waiting for the lights to go out, for him to put his foot down and let destiny take its course. Aaron wouldn’t go easy on him, he knew that.

He wouldn’t want it any other way.

_____

He’s covered in champagne, Aaron taking great delight in spraying it right at him on the podium and his suit is sodden and sticking to him, and he’s freezing cold. He desperately needs a shower but there’s a line of microphones waiting for him. The adrenaline never lasts long enough to get him through it.

“One last time?” Aaron whispers, all smiles, arm thrown around him. He never would’ve thought that first time they met that he’d ever be able to do this, to walk down the pitlane like this with his husband. It felt good.

“And just think no one can do a damn thing if I tell them to take a running jump.” He smirks as Aaron throws back his head in laughter and he just knows that photo is going to be all over social media in minutes.

“Robert! How does it feel to be world champion again after so long?”

“Way to make a guy feel old there Nat. It feels great. I can retire happy now I’ve beaten him once more for old times sake.” He nods his head towards Aaron matching his smile.

“You’re still retiring? Even after that?” Someone else asks.

“Yep. Can’t wait.”

“What do you have planned?”

“I might take up gardening. Other than that, the school run. Just normal stuff.”

“And the rumours about your marriage?” He turns his head, that wasn’t one of the usual suspects, the regular reporters he grudgingly trusts, the rest he’d gladly ignore for the rest of his life.

“Do we look unhappy to you? I’ll tell you what I won’t be sad to see the back of stupid questions like that, or unfounded rumours being plastered all over the papers.” He can see Aaron watching out of the corner of his eye, his own interview forgotten. “Aaron and I are very happily married.” He looks over, sees the tiny nod. “I’m looking forward to coming back next year when I can, with our children, to support him going for another world title.”

“Speaking of Aaron, there are suggestions that he let you win today.” He’s actually speechless, just stands there gaping like a fish for a good few seconds before laughing. He and Aaron had nearly taken each other out on the track during the race until their boss had told them to knock it off. Anyone who thought Aaron let him had it easy had clearly not watched the race.

“Oh Steve…I haven’t won an argument in our house for about four years, you really think he’d let me win a race? Come on!” Everyone bursts into laughter. “And now I’m off. I guess I’ll miss you all, just a little bit.”

“I can’t believe you said that.”

“I only speak the truth.” It was true really, mostly because he and Aaron didn’t fight all that much and if they did it was usually over nothing anyway. “Was I wrong? Did you let me win?”

“No chance mate.”

“Exactly. Can we go home now?”

“I think Paul expects you to turn up to the party.”

“Paul can expect what he likes. He stopped being my boss about thirty minutes ago. I want to go home with you, cuddle Seb and Ella and sleep for about a hundred years.”

“No you just know that Adam has supplied about twenty mistletoe bushes for tonight and you don’t want to spend all night avoiding everyone so they don’t kiss you.” He’d heard his best mate and engineer telling everyone earlier in the day and had rolled his eyes. Combining the end of season with the team Christmas party was asking for trouble and that was something he was definitely too old for.

“You’re the only one who gets to kiss me under the mistletoe. Come on, who cares if we go to the party or not?”

“Our boss.”

“Your boss.” He reminded him.

“Getting me into trouble one last time yeah?” He nods. “Come on then, shower. Then we’ll go home.”

The drive home is long, although not as long as it could’ve been if they hadn’t rejigged the season, even if it was freezing.

The sight as they walk in the door is worth it driving home in the dark and cold though. Chas is watching a film, looking half asleep, glass of wine on the table, but it’s Seb and Ella that Robert sees, sprawled next to each other on the sofa, pyjamas on, replicas of their race suits that that they’d had made. They look perfect, Ella with her dark curls fanned out behind her, clutching onto her teddy and Seb, a protective arm over his sister, giraffe tucked under him. No party or world title can come close to this he thinks to himself.

“Worth missing a party for eh?” He says when Chas has hugged them both goodnight, with a promise that they’d call in for the family party the next night to celebrate his win.

“Yeah. Was still kinda hoping to get a snog under the mistletoe though.” Aaron shrugs with a smile.

“You mean like this?” He pokes about in his bag that had been dropped on the floor as soon as they stepped inside. He’d found it hanging above one of the doors in the motorhome and he’d hidden it in his bag on his way out.

Walking over to Aaron he holds it above their heads. “Merry nearly Christmas then Mr Dingle.”

“Merry nearly Christmas, Mr world champion.”

[sherrybaby14]

Break Away

Request: Could you do a Bucky fic sort of similar to The Distraction but where the reader fights back and Bucky gets angry, or something along those lines? Dom!Buck kills me. I love your pics so much, and they're actually what got me into Bucky in the first place, so thank you for helping Seb steal my heart. ♥️

 Warnings:  Non Con (Please do not read if this offends you) (turns into dub con) kidnapping, Smut, 

Pairing:  Bucky x reader

 Rating: Explicit

 Words: 2800

 A/N:  Thank you so much @kxttykatmichael ! I hope you enjoy

              This was it.  Months of behaving the way he wanted you to, letting him chose your clothes, make him food, keep the house clean, being the perfect little doll.  It had paid off.  He bought your Stockholm syndrome act.  

             “You’re quiet.”  Bucky looked over at you from the driver’s seat.  

             “I haven’t been in public for a while.”  You gave a nervous laugh.  “I’m scared of being around other people.”  

             “You’ve been so good lately.”  He brought your knuckle to his lips and kissed.  “It can be like this all the time Doll.  I can take you to the movies, concerts, restaurants, plays.  I can make you happy.”

             “You do make me happy.”  You were so nervous, it was hard not to cringe and pull away.  

             He pulled the car into a parking spot and you looked around.  It was a park.  Your heart sank.  A park at night.  Who would you find to help you here?

             “I thought we would start small.”  Bucky undid his seatbelt before reaching over and taking off yours.  “Simple walk along the river.”  

             You gave a half-smile.  There was still some hope.  You’d kept the act up long enough.  You weren’t about to break it now.  

             “Don’t be scared Doll.”  Bucky opened the door and slammed it shut.  

             You stayed in yours, quieting down the voice urging you to run.  Run now.  Get a head start.  No. He was too fast. He would catch you.  Another person was your only hope.  Bucky opened your door and offered you his hand.  

             Please let this be it.  Please let tonight be the last time you had to pretend you loved the man, loved the sick pleasure he’d forced on you.  

             “I can feel you shaking.”  He pulled you to your feet and put an arm around your waist. “I promise I’ll protect you. You’re safe with me.  Always.”  

             You fought back the tears, the desire to punch and scream at him ‘YOU’RE THE ONE I NEED PROTECTION FROM YOU BASTARD’.  You swallowed all the urges away and nodded.  

             “I know.”  Two simple words that brought such a smile to his handsome face.  

             He guided you to the river walk, the water glowing under the moon.  There wasn’t a single soul around and your heart started to break.  

             “Maybe once I’ve decided you’re comfortable enough I can take you on a vacation.”  Bucky swung your hand as you walked.  “A week in paradise together?  Days on the beach? Mojitos?”  

              “Alcohol?” You were shocked, he’d never let you touch a sip the entire time in captivity.  

             “Well, vacation is a special occasion.”  Bucky smiled. “And you’re earning your privileges.  Maybe a glass of wine with dinner tomorrow is in order. Would you like that?”

             You nodded your head as your heart started to melt.  That sounded divine.  NO!  Your brain snapped back.  This was a show, you were not conditioned.  You kidnapper giving you a treat was nothing to be grateful for.  

             While you battled internally you looked ahead and your mouth fell open in shock. It was a person. In the darkness, you could tell it was a man.  He even looked bigger than Bucky.  Your heart started to race.  Bucky squeezed your fingers tighter.  A warning.

             There wouldn’t be a failure.  This person would help you.  Save you. You were going to getaway.  

             “Now now Doll, don’t do anything reckless.”  Bucky’s voice made you shiver while he squeezed your hand so hard it hurt.

             But you didn’t care.  This was your chance.  The man was getting closer and closer.  You were spiraling, focusing on nothing but him, ignoring Bucky’s warning and threats.

             You darted forward, he was holding on to you too tight for you to break free.

             “HELP ME! HELP THIS MAN HAS TAKEN ME…” A hand wrapped around your mouth as you were pulled sharp against Bucky’s chest.  

             You struggled and screamed underneath him, trying to twist away.  The figure, the man was still approaching. Even in his grasp, you felt like you’d won.  The stranger was coming to save you and Bucky was acting the part of the villain.  Who wouldn’t help a woman struggling against her will?

             “What’s all this about?”  The stranger stepped into view.  

             He didn’t react as you reached for him, trying to get away from Bucky’s grip on your body.  

             “Just a naughty little girl who thought she could trick me.”  Bucky laughed.  

             Why wasn’t the man helping?  Why was he just standing there?  

             “You’re not that good of an actress Sweetheart.”  Bucky’s mouth was next to your ear. “And now you’re in for a world of trouble.”  

             The stranger laughed.  What kind of person was he?  You still had your arms outstretched, reaching for him.  

             “You need help getting her back to the car?”  He stepped forward.

             You recognized the face and recoiled, pushing yourself into Bucky’s grasp as you looked at the man’s best friend.  The tears started to fall and your struggle stopped.  This was a setup.  A test.  One you’d failed.  

             “No.”  Bucky relaxed and spun you around, pushing his shoulder into your stomach as he hoisted you in the air with little resistance.  “She’s a smartie pants.  I think she already put it all together.”  

             “Well, have a good night.”  Steve Rogers continued on with his stroll.  

             Bucky turned back to the car.  You were fucked.  

             “I’m sorry.”  It was a whisper, but you needed to try and diffuse the situation.

             “Save it.”  SLAP! Bucky’s metal hand hit your ass with full force.

             You jerked as the sting spread down your cheek, no doubt to leave a bruise. When you got to the car, he went to the trunk.

             “No. no. no. Please!! Please, I’ll be good. I promise! I’ll be good.  Not the trunk!”  

             Bucky was not gentle as he tossed you down against the felt.  

             “I’m sorry!” You reached out to him, but only saw anger in his eyes.  

             All the thought and time and planning.  Ruined.  You knew what he was capable of, how cruel he could be when you acted out and how loving he was when you behaved.  What were you thinking?  

             The trunk slammed shut, leaving you in total darkness with nothing but your tears and worry about what he was going to do.

~~

           When the car was turned off you were a trembling wreck, sobbing with fear.   You pictured him breaking you, hitting you, beating you, doing worse than you were imagining.  Was it worth it?  The chance to escape seemed like a dumb idea now.  Would it ever have worked?

             Besides, he gave you a good life here.  He cherished you, loved you, doted on you.  Why were you so eager to leave?

             Because it wasn’t your choice.  Nothing was your choice.  You were his Doll.

             The tug of war in your head was taking over and the seconds felt like minutes. You were so lost in your head you didn’t know the concept of time.  Then you tried to focus, counting.  It wasn’t seconds it was minutes.  

             Horror came over you.  He’d left you in here.  In the darkness of the cramped trunk.  Was he ever coming back?  Was he going to kill you?  

             The feeling of suffocation came on and you started banging against the roof with your palm.

             “Please…let me out.”  A cry broke your words, but you sucked it back in.  “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”  

             And you were because in your heart you knew you deserved this.  

 ~~

             It killed Bucky to hear her scream.  Wailing apologies as she pounded the trunk.  But he stayed strong.  This was for her own good.  She was way out of line tonight. And the truth was, he was hurt.  She was that good of an actress.  He believed her love for him had grown.  

             She wasn’t a lost cause though.  She would never be.  All she needed was more correcting.  She was happy with him, there was a glimmer in her eye that he noticed at times. Where she wasn’t acting but was a woman in love, who wanted his love.  

             If he tried to talk to her in this state it would be tons of apologizing on her part and ignoring on his.  Bucky didn’t want that.  He did not want to return all the way to square one.  Right now she had to tire herself out.  

             Once he was sure of that he would take her inside and they would have a little talk.  He would remind her of how good she had it here, with him.

~~

           You were floating with nothing but blackness around you.  Your hands went limp and muscles cramped from the small space. Your cries had quieted, or at least you could no longer hear them.  

             How could you have been so stupid?  What was the word Bucky used? Reckless.  That was dead on.   He wanted to give you these things, life experiences, with him and how did you return the favor?  Screaming for help.

             What did you need help from?  He just wanted to take care of you.  A small voice added ‘and rule your life’, but it was growing weaker and weaker.  You were tired of hearing it.  

             The passage of time was impossible.  You couldn’t sleep or focus on anything, but how you’d screwed up. And the possibility of dying in the trunk.   You didn’t want that.  

             Sweat covered your entire body but your mouth was so dry and your bladder too full.  Liquid in all the wrong places.  You whimpered and tried to curl into a ball, ignoring the need to stretch your muscles.

             You were so out of it you didn’t hear the noises at all.  The first change to your situation was the light.  You didn’t turn your head to look as Bucky reached down and scooped you into his arms.  

             He smelled like a forest of pine and oak.  He smelled like him.  He smelled like home.  You nuzzled up next to his chest and breathed in wanting to take in all of him.  Hoping he never let you go.  

             You brought your hand to his shirt and gripped it in a fist as he carried you into the house.  The one you viewed as a prison earlier tonight.   Things could be much worse.  You could be living in the trunk.

             Tears started to fall as he went for the basement.  You’d been out of there for months.  But it was back to your home.  You deserved it.  This was your fault.  

             Bucky took you straight to the bathroom and set you down.   He knew you needed to go.  You dared to glance up at him, but he shook his head.

             Another privilege lost.  Shame filled you as you went.  When you were finished you stood up on shaky legs and went to the sink, holding out your hands.  Bucky washed them for you.  

             Tears rolled down your cheek as you realized all you had lost.   The privacy, the ability to do some things for yourself. You looked down at your pretty dress and knew that was going away too.  

             “I’m sorry.”  You were defeated as you backed up and raised your arms.  

             “I know you are Doll.”  Bucky grabbed the hem and lifted it up over your head.  

             You hated the constant nudity, but again, this was all your fault.  At least he called you Doll.  Maybe he wasn’t going to toss you away.  

             He scooped you up again and carried you to the bed in the corner. He sat down and cuddled you in his lap as he brought a water bottle to your lips and guided the drink.  It refreshed you as he rubbed your back.

             “Why?”  He placed a light kiss on your head.  “Why won’t you let me love you?”

             You wanted to tell him he was wrong.  That you wanted his love.  You were desperate for it.  But that would be a lie.  No more faking.  You had to be honest.

             “I don’t know.”  You collapsed against him crying, holding on to his chest.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”  

             He wanted to take care of you.  Why couldn’t you let him?  

             “I do.”  Bucky waited to respond until you calmed down again.  “I know everything there is to know about you.  I know you inside and out.  I knew you were going to yell for help. I knew you were going to have a breakdown in the trunk.  I knew you were going to realize your privileges were gone.  I knew you were going to cry in my lap like this.”  

             “Then why?”  You looked up at him.  “Tell me. Please.”

              “I can’t do that Doll.”  Bucky put a finger under your chin.  “You have to figure it out for yourself.  But I can help you.  Everything I do is to help you.”  

              Your brains were mush and your head was swimming.  He didn’t make sense but also covered you in a wave of clarity.  

             “Help me.”  You blinked away tears.  “Please.”

             “Always.”  His lips were on yours in a second and he pushed you from his lap to the mattress, settling between your thighs.  

             The roughness of his jeans made you whine as he rubbed his cock through his pants against your slit.  Bucky bit your tongue, making you squeal into his mouth.   Pain radiated through your mouth, but spread down your body, making your pussy pulse.  Why did it have to feel so good?  

             No. That was the wrong question.  Why did you fight the sensation?  Enjoy it.  You relaxed underneath him and brought your hands to his shoulders.  He sensed your submission and went to his waist, undoing his jeans and freeing his cock.

             “You don’t deserve this.”  He ran the head over your slickness.  “Tell me. Beg for me.”

              “Please.  You’re right. I don’t deserve any part of you, but I need you.  Please, I need you so badly! It hurts.  Everything hurts without you.  Please, I need you inside of me.”  

             When you said me Bucky blessed you with his cock, sliding right inside of you with ease.  You were made for each other, the way he owned your body was heaven.  Why did you ever fight it?  

             “Such a bad girl Doll.”  Bucky thrust deep.  His hands found your wrists and pinned them next to your head, holding them much harder than he needed to.  “So disappointed in you.”  

             “I want to be better.”  You rocked your hips to meet his, dragging your clit along his body.  “Please. I do.”

             “I know Doll.”  He grunted. “I know exactly what you want. What you need.”  

             He did not hold back as he fucked you, throwing the entire weight of his body into each pump.  Slamming into you until you were certain your lower half would be covered in bruises. But you didn’t care.  You didn’t care about how hard he was going, you were taking him in stride.  Your cries and moans mixing into one.  

             “Are you going to behave for me?  Be my perfect angel?”  Bucky glared down at you.  

             You nodded.  

             “Then start now.”  He grunted as he stilled inside of you, his pelvis pushed against your sore flesh. He started moving up and down, smashed against your clit.  “Cum.  Cum right now.”  

             You began moving your hips frantically, creating the friction needed to send you over the edge.   It was blissful.  The euphoria spreading as you screamed out, your pussy buzzing and clit pulsating. You did not deserve this man.  

             Once you came down from your high Bucky kissed your forehead.  Then he started thrusting again, this time slow. You felt every centimeter of him.

             “I am going to show you, how much I love you Doll.”  Bucky lowered himself back in.  “I am going to show you all night long.”  

             You were already sore and couldn’t help but whimper and tense.  

              “I am going to show you that there is no reason for you to ever leave me.” He pressed his body against your swollen nub making you cry out.  “I am going to show you things you never knew possible.”  

             Your heart raced and you didn’t know if it was from fear or anticipation.  And for the first time, you didn’t care.

[suitofvibraniumarmor]

Boston Boys [Part Seventeen]

Summary: After being visited by detectives, Elsa asks for some truth from Aurelie. Chris gets unsolicited advice from John, prompting him to make a hard decision.  Pairing: Chris Evans x OFC, John Krasinski x OFC Word Count: 2370 Chapter Warnings: Discussion of criminal activity, language, pregnancy, angst. A/N: This story contains a character who lost her hearing as she got older. I do work closely and regularly with the D/deaf community (I’m a sign language interpreter), but my own hearing problems do not involve significant hearing loss. It is not my intention to offend anyone, only to bring in a character with a quality I don’t see often in other fics. If you have questions about her, feel free to ask :)

Three more parts after this. You’ve been warned. 

Boston Boys Masterlist

The next morning, Elsa’s temples were throbbing. That one glass of wine had turned into a bottle and a half, plus a lot of crying. She forced herself out of bed and through a steamy, somewhat refreshing shower, then went to the medicine cabinet for some ibuprofen while the hot water brewed for her morning tea.

She was contemplating some toast when the tea and medicine seemed to help her hangover, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. The detectives who had questioned her in the hospital after the bank robbery were standing at her apartment door. Elsa pulled her robe tighter around her and welcomed them inside.

“I’m sorry for my appearance, I’ve only been up for a little while, and I wasn’t expecting company.” She told them to make themselves comfortable, then went to her room to grab her phone off the charger. “Although, I see now that you called to tell me you’d be by. I’m sorry I missed that.”

“No apology necessary, Ms. Chapman,” Detective Mullins assured. “We don’t mean to intrude, but we have some leads in the investigation.”

“Really? It’s been a while since I heard anything, I assumed it was lost in the files or something.”

Detective Rose gave her a kind smile. “We try not to let these cases go if we don’t absolutely have to. As I’m sure you’ve heard, there was another significant bank hit recently.”

Elsa nodded, remembered the surveillance video on the news and the panic attack the images had induced. “I saw the report.”

“We at first thought that one or the other robbery had been a copycat of others which have taken place -- after all, your case is the only instance in which a hostage has been taken,” Detective Mullins explained. “But our forensics team has been analyzing a lot of evidence, and it seems that the same crew hit both banks. We have some suspects we’d like you to look at.”

“I don’t understand,” Elsa frowned. “I told you, they had masks on. I couldn’t see an inch of skin.”

The detectives encouraged her to take a look anyway. They placed four pictures in front of her -- four pictures of faces that were all too familiar. One in particular. Her face must have read shock because Detective Mullins was asking if she was all right.

Elsa swallowed and pointed to the picture of Chris. “I don’t recognize any of them for the robbery, but I’ve been dating this man for several months. We ran into each other at the grocery store and he -- I was crying, having a weak moment after the robbery. He was nice to me.”

Detective Rose jotted something down on a small notepad. “The Evans family has a longstanding history with the Boston legal system. Do you know about Chris’s father?”

Her throat was too dry to speak, so she nodded. She couldn’t tear her eyes from Chris’s mugshot.

“We believe that Chris took over for his father after Robbie Evans went to jail -- not only the barber shop, but the family crime business, as well. Between forensics and piecing some other things together, Ms. Chapman, we believe that Chris Evans and his crew are responsible for the robbery at your bank, the most recent hit, and several others throughout the city.”

The detectives seemed so sure, Elsa felt sick to her stomach. She dismissed it as nerves on top of the wine she’d had the night before, but less than a minute later, she was heaving into the kitchen sink. The men sat by, awkwardly waiting for her to compose herself.

“What do you need from me?” she asked, quietly.

They rose from the table; Mullins answered her. “Right now, only your willingness to cooperate, if and when necessary. We’ll keep you up to date as much as possible. I understand you have family in New York?”

Elsa nodded.

Detective Rose pressed his lips into a thin line. “For the time being, we need you in the state -- in the city, if possible. If you feel the need to leave for any reason, if you could let us know, we would appreciate it. For your own safety.”

Elsa nodded again and showed them to the door. Detective Mullins’s business card was still stuck under a magnet on her refrigerator, so she had their contact information if she needed it.

What she needed right now were answers. Honest, clear answers. She didn’t trust Chris to answer her, let alone tell her the truth, and she didn’t know the rest of his friends well enough to contact any of them. There had to be someone she could contact, someone close to Chris who would tell her what in the hell was really going on.

“Aurelie,” Elsa said out loud, going back to the table for her phone.

The diner in Attleboro seemed busier than normal for this time of morning. Maybe it was, maybe Aurelie only felt that way because she had been hoping for some semblance of privacy. She ordered a cup of coffee and sipped at it, waiting patiently until Elsa came through the door.

“Elsa,” she called, waving.

The blonde woman gave a small wave in return. She stopped at the counter to order a tea and some toast, then dropped to the bench across from Aurelie. “Morning. Thanks for meeting me.”

“Sure. Thanks for coming out here, especially at this hour.” Aurelie sipped her coffee.

Elsa nodded, thanking the waitress for her order. She sipped her tea and took a bite of toast. “I don’t mean to put you in the middle of any drama. I want to be very clear about that, up front. I know you have -- you have a lot going on, on your own.”

Aurelie pursed her lips. “Chris told you about the baby.”

“He did. Congratulations, by the way. I know Chris is struggling with it, but I do hope you’re happy.”

“Thank you,” Aurelie replied, giving a small smile. “Speaking of Chris, that’s what you wanted to talk about?”

“Yes,” Elsa said, sipping down more tea and taking another bite of toast. She wasn’t really hungry, but it gave her a chance to gather her thoughts. “The police came to my house last night. They were asking about the people who robbed the bank -- the ones who kidnapped me.”

Aurelie frowned. “Did they find them?”

“They think maybe they did.” Elsa took another sip of tea. “They showed me pictures, even though I didn’t think I would recognize anyone.”

She stopped to gauge Aurelie’s reaction. That woman was still sipping her coffee, looking concerned, but not overly so. Elsa continued.

“The pictures they showed me were of Chris, Scott, Seb, and Scarlett. They’ve got some kind of forensic evidence from the most recent hit, they think that it’s them.”

Rolling her eyes, Aurelie pushed her coffee mug to the side. “Elsa, you’re getting caught in the middle of some bad shit. Chris’s dad is in prison -- I know you know about that. He was in some deep stuff, but Chris isn’t. Seb, Scotty, Scar -- none of them are involved with any of it. When Robbie went to prison, Chris went legitimate, with everything. It’s the barber shop, smart investments. My brother is a good businessman. He’s a good man.”

“I don’t understand. Then why are they trying to pin this on them?”

“Those hits were big hits. They can’t let them go unsolved. Chris and them are an easy pin, because of the bad choices Robbie made. His fucking mistakes are going to haunt our family the rest of forever.” The waitress came and dropped the checks on the table; Aurelie took both of them and laid out a few bills. “Chris loves you, Elsa, and from what I can tell, I think you love him, too. Loving my brother, dating him -- it unfortunately comes with some baggage.”

Elsa took a deep breath as she processed everything Aurelie was saying. It all made sense, except for one thing. “If Chris and the others are legitimate, why do you distance yourself?”

“For their sake,” Aurelie answered, without missing a beat. “I started losing my hearing when I was fairly young, and it went slowly. For a while, hearing aids did the trick. My right ear isn’t the worst, if I can look at the person and they’re speaking clearly and looking at me. The left one was always worse than the right. Sometime in middle school, I mouthed off to Robbie, and he popped me on the side of the head. I deserved it, but my left ear dropped out almost completely after that. A year or so later, I got the cochlear. Robbie always blamed himself for that, but it wasn’t his fault. His daughters think that when everything went down, I turned Robbie in out of spite or revenge. They stopped talking to me, my mother stopped speaking to me. Scotty was always on the fence. So, for their sake, to make things easier, I stayed away. I stay away.”

Elsa nodded and finished her tea. It made sense. It all made sense. It was nothing she ever wanted to be a part of, but here she was. She loved Chris. He had stood her up, but that was something she hoped they could work through.

“I’ve got to get home and get some sleep,” Aurelie sighed, pushing out of the booth. “Give Chris the benefit of the doubt, Elsa. He deserves it.”

Elsa nodded and waved as Aurelie pulled on a jacket and left the diner. She finished her toast, had another cup of tea, and then went home to get some rest. She thought about calling Chris, but decided to wait it out. He would talk to her when he was ready, she hoped.

After a long night of no sleep, Chris was finally heading home. He had let Scotty know that he and Seb weren’t going to be in until the afternoon, so at least he could catch a few hours of sleep before he needed to go to the shop.

He stopped at the corner store for a small coffee, just to keep him from sleeping all day. When he spotted John Krasinski already at the coffee station, he sighed. He wasn’t in the mood for any bullshit this morning.

“Morning,” John greeted.

“Morning,” Chris returned, selecting a cup from the stack and choosing his brew. He pushed the button on the machine to fill the cup, waiting for John to say something else. But, the other man said nothing, only finished doctoring his own coffee and went to the register to pay.

Chris frowned. He wasn’t in the mood for a confrontation, but he had expected more than a one-word greeting to be exchanged between the two of them. He secured the lid on his coffee, paid, and hurried out of the corner store.

“John!” he called to the other man, jogging to catch up with him down the sidewalk. The other man stopped and turned but didn’t look any more keen on the idea of speaking to Chris than Chris had been to speak with John only a few minutes ago. “Hey, have you talked to Aurelie?”

“Oh, you mean since you crashed her whole world last night?” John snorted. “Yeah. She’s -- she’s not fine, but she’s safe. How could you keep that from her? Do you have any idea how much she trusted you?”

Chris licked his lips and let out a deep breath. “I know. I know she did, and I know we may never get that back. I’m stuck, man. I don’t know what’s going on in my life and now all this shit is coming to light. I don’t want Aurelie to get caught in the middle of me working my shit out.”

John shook his head and scoffed. “It’s too late for that. Don’t you get it? She got caught in the middle of your shit the moment you decided to lie for your father about how her father died. She’s your sister, Chris. Blood, step, whatever. She looks at you as her brother -- her only brother. Her mother won’t even talk to her, but she always had you. Now she doesn’t even have that.”

Shaking his head, Chris held both hands up before letting his free hand slap back down against his leg. “I don’t know what to say to that. You’re right, she’s always been in the middle of it. When she decided to distance, I should have left her alone, too. I had to come clean, I guess.”

“Right,” John said, looking down at his coffee before looking back to Chris. “Speaking of coming clean, you know where she was up until about ten minutes ago? As much as she hates you and maybe never wants to see you again, she was at the diner in Attleboro with Elsa. She’s lying for you so that Elsa doesn’t believe what the cops told her about you and the rest of them being responsible for the bank hits and the kidnapping. Aurelie is still protecting you, as hurt and angry as she is.”

“That’s all I wanted,” Chris sighed, shaking his head, “for Aurelie to be protected. Guess I ruined that. Now she won’t speak to me and she’s got no one. And that’s on me.”

John tilted his head side to side. “You’re partially right. She won’t speak to you, and you’re the one who did that. But she does have someone -- she has me. I’m gonna protect her, I’m gonna take care of her. And our baby.” Shrugging, he took a drink of his coffee. “Family feud bullshit aside -- I’m telling you this man to man. Get your shit together, Chris, before it ruins anyone else.”

John took off towards his bar then, leaving Chris to walk the long mile home. Chris let what John had said sink in; the other man was right, of course. There were a lot of things Chris had messed up recently. The ripple effect of his decisions and actions was only beginning to show.

Chris decided then and there, he had to stop this before it went any further.

AlloftheThings: @captain-s-rogers​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​​​​​​​​​ @hurricanerin​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @horsesandbandsforlife​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @im-not-an-armrest-im-short​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @captain-rogers-beard​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @shynara51​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @sea040561​​​​​​​​​​​​​  @pinknerdpanda​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @xtina2191​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @jackryanplz​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @beakami​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @heartsaved​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @fullprunerebelstatesman​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @blackwidowismyhomegirl​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Boston Boys:  @the-murder-strut-murdered-me​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @becs-bunker​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @shield-agent78​​​​��​​​​​​​​ @patzammit​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @crazyandanonymous4u​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @ntlmundy​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @jennmurawski13​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @okay-maybe-i-like-marvel-too​​​​​​​​​​​​​

[enchantedsugden]

the kingdom knows, the mind will doubt. 

ao3 link

robron week 2020 day 7 - work, work, work.

when robert throws himself into work, aaron realises what's going on.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Robert” Aaron sighs, he’s on the couch waiting for Robert to join him. They’ve eaten and cleared up the kitchen, Liv’s upstairs studying, hopefully, and Seb’s sleeping soundly after a bedtime story. One of Aaron’s favourite parts of the day is about to start, or it would be if Robert was cuddled up next to him, complaining about whatever was on telly or talking to him about his day.

“Sorry, sorry I just really want to get this finished.” Aaron can’t resist sighing again. He’s watching his husband, who’s sitting at the kitchen table staring at his laptop screen, a frown on his face. “You’ve been at it the whole day Rob, you deserve to have an evening off now.”

“No, I- can’t- I don’t-” Robert’s voice breaks a bit and Aaron frowns. Robert suddenly has his face in his hands and Aaron jumps up.

“Rob- hey what’s going on eh? Talk to me please?” Aaron tries to keep his voice gentle while trying to ignore the worry he feels seeing his husband like this. He sits next to Robert at the kitchen table and places a hand on the older man’s shoulder, stroking gently.

Robert’s been all over the place this last week and Aaron thinks it’s finally taking its toll. His husband had been very busy with the haulage business, trying to impress a load of new potential clients while also trying to get on top of a whole stack of paperwork that hadn’t been looked at for a while. With Jimmy off on holiday, Robert had also taken it upon himself to do some of his tasks even though Aaron had pointed out that he really didn’t have to do that but the older man was somehow adamant that it was on him to keep the business in order- even when it wasn’t and the haulage business was doing perfectly fine. Aaron felt he hadn’t seen much of Robert at all this week even when they had both been working at the scrapyard. Aaron had been on a few scrap runs further afield which meant they couldn’t have their daily lunch together and Robert had worked some longer hours than usual, sometimes continuing work at home, like now.

“Sorry.” Robert says and looks up at Aaron. “I am fine- honestly.”

“Robert” Aaron warns and the older man sighs. ‘I am just tired.” And Aaron knows that, Robert’s eyes are bloodshot and he looks warn and pale. Aaron suddenly feels guilty for not pushing Robert to talk sooner.

“I know that Rob, I can see that. You’ve been tossing and turning at night, working long hours. You seem withdrawn and I am worried about you. You can tell me anything you know that.”

“Aaron” Robert gasps, hands flying to hold one of Aaron’s “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to- I was just trying so hard to-“ he trails off as Aaron looks at him with wide eyes. “Trying to do what Rob?” he asks gently, covering both Robert’s hands with his remaining one. He watches Robert smile at their hands gently before he looks up at him again.

“I just really want it all to work this time Aaron. And I am so worried I am going to let you down- let our family down.” Robert sounds so defeated that tears pool in Aaron’s eyes immediately even though he still has no idea what his husband is getting at. Just hearing Robert talk like this makes Aaron want to hold him in his arms forever.

“Robert- what are you talking about eh? You could never let me down, please don’t say that.”

“I will if I don’t make enough money because then we won’t be able to afford the surrogacy and live comfortably during and after Lucy’s pregnancy and-“

“God Robert, is that what this is about?” Aaron can’t believe he hadn’t seen it, hadn’t realised that  his husband had started pushing himself like this just after Lucy had told them the good news. He had been to blinded by his happiness, their happiness.

 It had been a few months ago now that Aaron had finally convinced Robert that it would work out, that they were going to get there, eventually. About six months after Robert had gotten out of prison after serving just one year he had carefully mentioned children again. Aaron’s heart had broken when he realised that Robert had been scared to mention it because he didn’t think Aaron still wanted that with him. As if one year apart could have changed that, could have made Aaron not want that with Robert anymore. Aaron couldn’t imagine that and made sure Robert knew that.

After that Robert had still been worried, worried that he was going to be the problem, that he was going to be the one that would mess it up for them. Aaron never stopped telling him that they were going to find the right person to carry their baby for them, that the road probably wasn’t going to be easy what with them both having a criminal record now but that it was going to work out. And it did and Aaron had stopped waking up to Robert tossing and turning in bed, wrecked with thoughts that he was going to be the one to ruin it all. They found Lucy who had fallen in love with them and told them that she was more than happy to carry their baby for them. That was only two weeks ago.

Straight after Lucy had told them the good news they had been busy getting everything sorted and ready to get the process started. And there had been a lot of celebrating, of course. His mum hadn’t been able to stop herself from throwing them a party at the pub, just a small one. It had been such an amazing week but Aaron realises that they had sort of lived in a bubble. It hits him now as he watches his husband all worked up and worried about failing him, failing them. It wasn’t that Aaron hadn’t noticed the bubble bursting ever so slightly after a week. He wouldn’t be him if he hadn’t started getting slightly anxious too, worried that things wouldn’t work out. Lucy wanting to have a baby for them was amazing and a big first step but they didn’t even know whether she was going to fall pregnant, whether it was going to work the first time round. And even then- things could still go wrong. He had also been thinking quite a lot about his mum and Grace. Of course he hadn’t told Robert any of this, realising now that he had been just as bad as the older man with holding stuff back.

And this was so typically Robert wasn’t it? His husband had tried to supress the worry and fear he felt by focussing on something he felt he could control- money, their income.

“Robert, I am so sorry.” He reaches out to tilt up his husband’s face, Robert now watching him with wide eyes.

“Why are you sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong?” Robert frowns.

“I should have realised that you being so in your head this week was connected with Lucy and the surrogacy.”

“No Aaron- I am sorry I should have told ya.”

“Yeah you should have but-“

“Aaron no- it’s just, I didn’t even really realise myself quite how bad it had gotten. I am sorry I’ve been off this week. I should have told ya and I didn’t. I guess something in me was also scared I’d upset ya or something. Because we are supposed to be happy- and I am. I really am. I am so grateful Lucy wants to do this for us but I can’t help but feel worried- like it’s too good to be true or something. And I didn’t want you to feel worried as well, it felt selfish.”

“Oh Rob-“ Aaron says, he can feel the fresh tears pooling in his eyes. “You could never upset me with your worries you do know that don’t you?”

“I know that I promise you. I guess I was being daft by not telling you because I worried you thought I was daft.”

Aaron can’t help but laugh a little at that and he’s relieved to see Robert smiles too, eyes crinkling slightly. “Well I know you’re a bit daft but not because you are worried or concerned about something. Never.” Aaron’s all serious again and Robert meets his eyes and nods.

“I should have told you I was anxious too.” Aaron watches Robert’s eyes widen, his mouth opening to say something but Aaron stops him by squeezing his hand.

“Rob- it’s okay. I am okay. I guess after I- we had processed the news a bit I started getting worried- you know me, just having all these thoughts about it going wrong. Thought about my mum and Grace too and I just-“

“God Aaron. Why didn’t you tell me?” Aaron can’t help but laugh a bit, shaking his head and Robert does the same “I know, I know- I can’t really talk but Aaron I hate that you were dealing with these thoughts and I didn’t know. I should have realised, of course you’d be thinking about Grace and-“

“No Robert, like you just told me- it’s not your fault that you didn’t know. How could you? I mean Lucy isn’t even pregnant yet but my thoughts just ran away with me a bit.”

“Same here I guess.” Robert says but Aaron doesn’t want to stop the conversation just yet, he can’t afford to. He squeezes his husband’s hand again as he tells him “with you though Rob, I’m sorry I didn’t see it. I know you and I should have realised that you throwing yourself into work was a way of trying to control something. It often is and I know that.” Robert is staring down at their hands, avoiding his gaze and Aaron sighs. “I need you to realise this Robert” he’s about to tell Robert something he’s told him before but it’s clear the older man needs reminding of it today. And Aaron will continue to remind him for as long as it’s needed.

“We’re in this together you and me. Robert- if things were to go wrong in any way it wouldn’t be on you. You don’t have to make up for stuff because you went to prison. If we still hadn’t found a surrogate that wouldn’t have been your fault, I went to prison too remember? And if  we were to struggle with money it wouldn’t be just up to you to sort it, to push yourself to exhaustion. Why would it? Robert we both work, if it’s necessary we can both do extra shifts, not just you.”

Aaron feels tears pooling in his eyes against what he’s feeling, this outpouring love for Robert and the way he wants to protect the older man from ever feeling guilty or responsible for everything in their lives.

“Rob?” Seconds of silence have passed and his husband hasn’t responded yet, he’s just staring at their intertwined hands. Robert does look up at him then, clearly registering the upset on Aaron’s face and he untangles one hand, reaches out to hold at Aaron’s face.

“You’re amazing you know that.” And Aaron huffs slightly, leaning into Robert’s touch. “I love you so much, I-“ he wants to say I don’t deserve you but he knows Aaron will shoot him down, hates it when he says that even if it’s what Robert thinks. “I didn’t mean to upset you with all of this. I know I am not alone Aaron, I promise I know that. I just want to make you happy- and I know pushing myself like this isn’t doing that, but you’re right- sometimes I just lose my head a bit and do the wrong things.”

“For the right reason.” Aaron adds “and Robert- you make me so so happy. You know you’re enough don’t ya? Yeah, I’d love to add to our family but if things don’t work out it doesn’t mean that I’d feel like we’re incomplete or summat. And I need you to know that it wouldn’t be your fault in any way.”

Aaron knows Robert has this habit of shouldering the blame for things that aren’t his fault and he’s determined to try and stop it whenever he can, whenever he spots Robert trying to somehow turn things on himself.

“C’mere” Robert says suddenly as he stands up. Aaron mirrors him and Robert quickly wraps his arms around Aaron, tucking his face into his neck. Aaron latches on to him, rubbing his back gently. They sway for a little while, soaking up the comfort they give each other.

“’M sorry for trying to hide it. I should have told you.” Robert mumbles into his neck.

“It’s ok Rob. I should have gotten you to talk sooner though, I know pushing you does help sometimes and I should have done in this case.”

“Oi- none of that. You tell me not to take responsibility for everything but neither should you. We both know you can be pretty good at that too.”

“Okay, you win.” Aaron laughs, knowing that his husband got a very valid point.

They sway for a few silent seconds more when Aaron notices how Robert seems to almost sag into the hug more and more. He kisses at Robert’s shoulder before letting him go.

“Hmm” Robert mumbles and Aaron smiles at him fondly. “Rob, you need sleep.”

It wasn’t anything Aaron wasn’t expecting and it would be quite hilarious if Aaron wasn’t still feeling so concerned about the blond- because even though Robert almost fell asleep against him he still blurts out “no- no, not just yet I have to finish this quote I started working on.”

“Yeah nice try.”

“I am serious!”

“Rob, so am I. You’re exhausted, you nearly nodded off in my arms. You said yourself you’re tired.”

“But I’ve made a start on it already. It shouldn’t take me too long and then tomorrow I can start taking it easier again yeah?”

“Robert- you can look at it tomorrow with a fresh head. All you need now is sleep.”

“Aaron-“

“Robert, please.” Aaron’s voice cracks a bit and Robert’s mouth shuts abruptly.

“Aaron- I am okay you know?”

“I know, and you’ll be even more okay if you get to bed and sleep. I just want you to get some rest now. I know what you’re like and if I let you just finish up your work you will still be sat here in two hours, making it all perfect. I know it’s been a while since you’ve had one but I don’t want you having another seizure because you’re not looking after yourself properly.” It really had been a while since Robert had suffered another seizure, the last time had been just two weeks after Robert had moved back into the Mill, still fresh out of prison.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I am exhausted.”

“Yeah always am aren’t I? I’m just going to clear up here and then I’ll follow you up okay?

“Yes boss.”

“Oi you” Aaron grins. He’s relieved he’s made Robert listen, knows how stubborn the blond can be.

“Go check on Seb and then sleep.” Aaron kisses Robert between his eyebrows and then all but pushes him up the stairs.

  Aaron knows Robert has fallen asleep or he would have come to see why Aaron hadn’t followed him up yet. He smiles, closes Robert’s laptop and yawns. He knows Robert will want to check over his work tomorrow, to see if he did it correctly but at least it’s done. It will give Robert less work to do tomorrow so he can immediately start taking it easy.

As he opens the door to their bedroom he sees Robert laying in the middle of their bed, his head on Aaron’s cushion. He quickly changes into his pyjamas and goes to lay next to his husband. Robert stirs at the movement and Aaron gently runs his hand through his hair.

“Aaron?”

“Yeah it’s me.”

“Have I only just fallen asleep?” Robert mumbles against Aaron’s cushion, eyes still closed. “I don’t know, don’t think so it’s a bit later now.” Aaron replies softly, not even sure whether Robert is awake enough to fully understand him.

“Where have you been?” Robert’s squinting at Aaron now, hardly able to keep his eyes open.

“Finished your work didn’t I” Aaron grins, wanting to see Robert’s reaction.

“What- I, I didn’t ask you to do that?” Robert’s looking at him all confused.

“I know but I wanted to. I do have some business knowledge you know? You can check it all over tomorrow but now it’s time to sleep.”

Robert closes his eyes again and Aaron’s surprised that the blond doesn’t fight him on it.

“I trust ya.” Robert mumbles as he pulls Aaron to his chest “’n thank you, you didn’t have to do that. I love ya.” Robert’s voice is becoming slurred with sleep again and Aaron kisses his chest.

“We make a good team, huh?” Aaron whispers “goodnight Rob, I love ya too.”

[lullabieswrappedinlies]

Boston Boys [Part Seventeen]

Summary: After being visited by detectives, Elsa asks for some truth from Aurelie. Chris gets unsolicited advice from John, prompting him to make a hard decision. 

Pairing: Chris Evans x OFC, John Krasinski x OFC Word Count: 2370 Chapter Warnings: Discussion of criminal activity, language, pregnancy, angst. A/N: This story contains a character who lost her hearing as she got older. I do work closely and regularly with the D/deaf community (I’m a sign language interpreter), but my own hearing problems do not involve significant hearing loss. It is not my intention to offend anyone, only to bring in a character with a quality I don’t see often in other fics. If you have questions about her, feel free to ask :)

Three more parts after this. You’ve been warned.

Boston Boys Masterlist

The next morning, Elsa’s temples were throbbing. That one glass of wine had turned into a bottle and a half, plus a lot of crying. She forced herself out of bed and through a steamy, somewhat refreshing shower, then went to the medicine cabinet for some ibuprofen while the hot water brewed for her morning tea.

She was contemplating some toast when the tea and medicine seemed to help her hangover, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. The detectives who had questioned her in the hospital after the bank robbery were standing at her apartment door. Elsa pulled her robe tighter around her and welcomed them inside.

“I’m sorry for my appearance, I’ve only been up for a little while, and I wasn’t expecting company.” She told them to make themselves comfortable, then went to her room to grab her phone off the charger. “Although, I see now that you called to tell me you’d be by. I’m sorry I missed that.”

“No apology necessary, Ms. Chapman,” Detective Mullins assured. “We don’t mean to intrude, but we have some leads in the investigation.”

“Really? It’s been a while since I heard anything, I assumed it was lost in the files or something.”

Detective Rose gave her a kind smile. “We try not to let these cases go if we don’t absolutely have to. As I’m sure you’ve heard, there was another significant bank hit recently.”

Elsa nodded, remembered the surveillance video on the news and the panic attack the images had induced. “I saw the report.”

“We at first thought that one or the other robbery had been a copycat of others which have taken place -- after all, your case is the only instance in which a hostage has been taken,” Detective Mullins explained. “But our forensics team has been analyzing a lot of evidence, and it seems that the same crew hit both banks. We have some suspects we’d like you to look at.”

“I don’t understand,” Elsa frowned. “I told you, they had masks on. I couldn’t see an inch of skin.”

The detectives encouraged her to take a look anyway. They placed four pictures in front of her -- four pictures of faces that were all too familiar. One in particular. Her face must have read shock because Detective Mullins was asking if she was all right.

Elsa swallowed and pointed to the picture of Chris. “I don’t recognize any of them for the robbery, but I’ve been dating this man for several months. We ran into each other at the grocery store and he -- I was crying, having a weak moment after the robbery. He was nice to me.”

Detective Rose jotted something down on a small notepad. “The Evans family has a longstanding history with the Boston legal system. Do you know about Chris’s father?”

Her throat was too dry to speak, so she nodded. She couldn’t tear her eyes from Chris’s mugshot.

“We believe that Chris took over for his father after Robbie Evans went to jail -- not only the barber shop, but the family crime business, as well. Between forensics and piecing some other things together, Ms. Chapman, we believe that Chris Evans and his crew are responsible for the robbery at your bank, the most recent hit, and several others throughout the city.”

The detectives seemed so sure, Elsa felt sick to her stomach. She dismissed it as nerves on top of the wine she’d had the night before, but less than a minute later, she was heaving into the kitchen sink. The men sat by, awkwardly waiting for her to compose herself.

“What do you need from me?” she asked, quietly.

They rose from the table; Mullins answered her. “Right now, only your willingness to cooperate, if and when necessary. We’ll keep you up to date as much as possible. I understand you have family in New York?”

Elsa nodded.

Detective Rose pressed his lips into a thin line. “For the time being, we need you in the state -- in the city, if possible. If you feel the need to leave for any reason, if you could let us know, we would appreciate it. For your own safety.”

Elsa nodded again and showed them to the door. Detective Mullins’s business card was still stuck under a magnet on her refrigerator, so she had their contact information if she needed it.

What she needed right now were answers. Honest, clear answers. She didn’t trust Chris to answer her, let alone tell her the truth, and she didn’t know the rest of his friends well enough to contact any of them. There had to be someone she could contact, someone close to Chris who would tell her what in the hell was really going on.

“Aurelie,” Elsa said out loud, going back to the table for her phone.

The diner in Attleboro seemed busier than normal for this time of morning. Maybe it was, maybe Aurelie only felt that way because she had been hoping for some semblance of privacy. She ordered a cup of coffee and sipped at it, waiting patiently until Elsa came through the door.

“Elsa,” she called, waving.

The blonde woman gave a small wave in return. She stopped at the counter to order a tea and some toast, then dropped to the bench across from Aurelie. “Morning. Thanks for meeting me.”

“Sure. Thanks for coming out here, especially at this hour.” Aurelie sipped her coffee.

Elsa nodded, thanking the waitress for her order. She sipped her tea and took a bite of toast. “I don’t mean to put you in the middle of any drama. I want to be very clear about that, up front. I know you have -- you have a lot going on, on your own.”

Aurelie pursed her lips. “Chris told you about the baby.”

“He did. Congratulations, by the way. I know Chris is struggling with it, but I do hope you’re happy.”

“Thank you,” Aurelie replied, giving a small smile. “Speaking of Chris, that’s what you wanted to talk about?”

“Yes,” Elsa said, sipping down more tea and taking another bite of toast. She wasn’t really hungry, but it gave her a chance to gather her thoughts. “The police came to my house last night. They were asking about the people who robbed the bank -- the ones who kidnapped me.”

Aurelie frowned. “Did they find them?”

“They think maybe they did.” Elsa took another sip of tea. “They showed me pictures, even though I didn’t think I would recognize anyone.”

She stopped to gauge Aurelie’s reaction. That woman was still sipping her coffee, looking concerned, but not overly so. Elsa continued.

“The pictures they showed me were of Chris, Scott, Seb, and Scarlett. They’ve got some kind of forensic evidence from the most recent hit, they think that it’s them.”

Rolling her eyes, Aurelie pushed her coffee mug to the side. “Elsa, you’re getting caught in the middle of some bad shit. Chris’s dad is in prison -- I know you know about that. He was in some deep stuff, but Chris isn’t. Seb, Scotty, Scar -- none of them are involved with any of it. When Robbie went to prison, Chris went legitimate, with everything. It’s the barber shop, smart investments. My brother is a good businessman. He’s a good man.”

“I don’t understand. Then why are they trying to pin this on them?”

“Those hits were big hits. They can’t let them go unsolved. Chris and them are an easy pin, because of the bad choices Robbie made. His fucking mistakes are going to haunt our family the rest of forever.” The waitress came and dropped the checks on the table; Aurelie took both of them and laid out a few bills. “Chris loves you, Elsa, and from what I can tell, I think you love him, too. Loving my brother, dating him -- it unfortunately comes with some baggage.”

Elsa took a deep breath as she processed everything Aurelie was saying. It all made sense, except for one thing. “If Chris and the others are legitimate, why do you distance yourself?”

“For their sake,” Aurelie answered, without missing a beat. “I started losing my hearing when I was fairly young, and it went slowly. For a while, hearing aids did the trick. My right ear isn’t the worst, if I can look at the person and they’re speaking clearly and looking at me. The left one was always worse than the right. Sometime in middle school, I mouthed off to Robbie, and he popped me on the side of the head. I deserved it, but my left ear dropped out almost completely after that. A year or so later, I got the cochlear. Robbie always blamed himself for that, but it wasn’t his fault. His daughters think that when everything went down, I turned Robbie in out of spite or revenge. They stopped talking to me, my mother stopped speaking to me. Scotty was always on the fence. So, for their sake, to make things easier, I stayed away. I stay away.”

Elsa nodded and finished her tea. It made sense. It all made sense. It was nothing she ever wanted to be a part of, but here she was. She loved Chris. He had stood her up, but that was something she hoped they could work through.

“I’ve got to get home and get some sleep,” Aurelie sighed, pushing out of the booth. “Give Chris the benefit of the doubt, Elsa. He deserves it.”

Elsa nodded and waved as Aurelie pulled on a jacket and left the diner. She finished her toast, had another cup of tea, and then went home to get some rest. She thought about calling Chris, but decided to wait it out. He would talk to her when he was ready, she hoped.

After a long night of no sleep, Chris was finally heading home. He had let Scotty know that he and Seb weren’t going to be in until the afternoon, so at least he could catch a few hours of sleep before he needed to go to the shop.

He stopped at the corner store for a small coffee, just to keep him from sleeping all day. When he spotted John Krasinski already at the coffee station, he sighed. He wasn’t in the mood for any bullshit this morning.

“Morning,” John greeted.

“Morning,” Chris returned, selecting a cup from the stack and choosing his brew. He pushed the button on the machine to fill the cup, waiting for John to say something else. But, the other man said nothing, only finished doctoring his own coffee and went to the register to pay.

Chris frowned. He wasn’t in the mood for a confrontation, but he had expected more than a one-word greeting to be exchanged between the two of them. He secured the lid on his coffee, paid, and hurried out of the corner store.

“John!” he called to the other man, jogging to catch up with him down the sidewalk. The other man stopped and turned but didn’t look any more keen on the idea of speaking to Chris than Chris had been to speak with John only a few minutes ago. “Hey, have you talked to Aurelie?”

“Oh, you mean since you crashed her whole world last night?” John snorted. “Yeah. She’s -- she’s not fine, but she’s safe. How could you keep that from her? Do you have any idea how much she trusted you?”

Chris licked his lips and let out a deep breath. “I know. I know she did, and I know we may never get that back. I’m stuck, man. I don’t know what’s going on in my life and now all this shit is coming to light. I don’t want Aurelie to get caught in the middle of me working my shit out.”

John shook his head and scoffed. “It’s too late for that. Don’t you get it? She got caught in the middle of your shit the moment you decided to lie for your father about how her father died. She’s your sister, Chris. Blood, step, whatever. She looks at you as her brother -- her only brother. Her mother won’t even talk to her, but she always had you. Now she doesn’t even have that.”

Shaking his head, Chris held both hands up before letting his free hand slap back down against his leg. “I don’t know what to say to that. You’re right, she’s always been in the middle of it. When she decided to distance, I should have left her alone, too. I had to come clean, I guess.”

“Right,” John said, looking down at his coffee before looking back to Chris. “Speaking of coming clean, you know where she was up until about ten minutes ago? As much as she hates you and maybe never wants to see you again, she was at the diner in Attleboro with Elsa. She’s lying for you so that Elsa doesn’t believe what the cops told her about you and the rest of them being responsible for the bank hits and the kidnapping. Aurelie is still protecting you, as hurt and angry as she is.”

“That’s all I wanted,” Chris sighed, shaking his head, “for Aurelie to be protected. Guess I ruined that. Now she won’t speak to me and she’s got no one. And that’s on me.”

John tilted his head side to side. “You’re partially right. She won’t speak to you, and you’re the one who did that. But she does have someone -- she has me. I’m gonna protect her, I’m gonna take care of her. And our baby.” Shrugging, he took a drink of his coffee. “Family feud bullshit aside -- I’m telling you this man to man. Get your shit together, Chris, before it ruins anyone else.”

John took off towards his bar then, leaving Chris to walk the long mile home. Chris let what John had said sink in; the other man was right, of course. There were a lot of things Chris had messed up recently. The ripple effect of his decisions and actions was only beginning to show.

Chris decided then and there, he had to stop this before it went any further.

Tags: @themtbmbgirl​​​​​​​​ @keithseabrook27​​​​​​​​​ @ulovemelightsout​​​​​​​​​ @rosie2801​​​​​​​​​ @professorkrasinski​​​​​​​​​

[janelevy]

Crush - Penny/Fem!MC

You can also read this on AO3!

**This takes place in 6th year, so now that everyone’s aged up a bit things get scandalous. In plainer words, this fic contains a lot of kissing. As in MC kissing Penny. Making out with Penny. A lot. What’s not to love?

You hadn't been particularly inclined to attend the party, but at the last minute a certain somebody helped convince you.

You were in herbology class, trimming away at the ivy, packing all your pent-up emotions into each hearty snip of the garden shears. Class had started roughly ten minutes prior, but only then did Penny come running in, panting heavily.

You glanced up and nearly dropped the shears on your foot. Yet seeing Penny's face stirred up more pain than being stabbed in the foot ever could. Her eyes were red and watery, nose dripping as she wiped at it carelessly with her sleeve. As you got closer to her, you noticed streaky paths left behind on her cheeks by tears, and fresh ones were welling up at her eyelids, threatening to fall.

"Pen?" you said, stepping over to her. It didn't take long for your heart to start beating quickly; that was the natural "Penny Effect," as you called it. Anytime she was nearby or made contact with you, you basically melted into a helpless puddle. For example, one time in third year she coughed on you accidentally and you'd almost fainted.

"Oh. (Name)," she sniffed. She crossed her arms tightly over her chest. "He did it. Seb really broke up with me."

Your jaw dropped. "What? When?"

"Just now. That's why I'm late to class, I- I was crying my eyes out in the loo." She rubbed her bloodshot eyes and created a smudgy cloud of mascara around her eyes like a mask. "But it's not just that he broke up with me, it's how he did it."

You stared at her dumbly, like a puppy waiting to be fed more treats— or in this case, more information. "How?"

"I found him snogging another girl in an empty classroom. I heard whispers, and… and it sounded like him, then I opened the door and it was him. H- he was with that girl Elizabeth. What does she have that I don't?" Penny broke into heavier sobs, and a few other students glanced over in interest. Sprout was too busy helping somebody at the other end of the greenhouse to notice, however.

You rubbed your friend's back and sighed. You had known it would only be a matter of time before that wanker Sebastian cheated on Penny. He was a player, a cocky pureblood redhead who always had the latest in brooms and fashion. You knew as soon as they started dating a few months ago that it wouldn't last. In all honesty, you were surprised they did last as long as they had. And everyone had known Seb was eyeing that Elizabeth girl— also a Hufflepuff, but in the year above you.

"You are way better than her," you assured Penny. It was kind of half-hearted; you're not the best at reassuring others. Sure, you've been convincing enough in the past, but actually comforting your friends is a whole other story. When you say words of comfort, they feel empty. And when you spoke to Penny then, it felt empty and pointless. You were speaking the truth— Penny was a million times prettier and smarter than that skanky brunette— but you knew it would take more than that to make her feel better.

"I just want to hex that bitch and see how she likes feeling like her chest was ripped open!" Penny snarled, clenching her fists.

"Hey, hey," you said. "Pen, she's not worth wasting your anger on. Neither of them are worth it."

She relaxed slightly. "As much as I don't want to admit it, you are right, (Name). I need to get it off my mind. How…" She paused, seeming to think for a moment, then brightened remarkably. "Aha! (Name), you have to come to the party with me tonight."

Instantly you deflated. "I'm, uh… not exactly a party person." Unlike her, you highly prefer staying in and reading with Rowan rather than dressing up and socializing into the early hours of the morning.

But Penny fixed those puppy eyes on you, and that's when you knew it was hopeless. Missing the party for your own selfish reasons would only make you feel worse about this situation.

So that's how you end up in a dress and awkwardly walking up one of Hogwarts' many staircases in heels. You curse under your breath as you trip for the hundredth time. The stumble nearly sends you crashing into the ancient stone steps, but you manage to right yourself on the railing. This reminds you of the time Rowan and Penny convinced you to go ice-skating with them, only these cursed shoes are that clumsiness multiplied by a thousand.

You're alone because Rowan had helped you get ready, but in usual Rowan fashion, they hadn't been interested in actually going themself. You promised to meet Penny, Tonks, and everyone else there. Now you wish you had an arm to lean on, though, because these stairs are simply impossible.

By some miracle, you scale them after some fifteen minutes of struggle and huffing and puffing. It's not difficult finding the spare room the party is being held in; the portrait concealing the entrance contains a young man who is holding a glass of firewhisky and wearing a ridiculous hat. He sways side to side and hums to himself as you approach.

You clear your throat, and at last he notices you. He opens an eye and asks, "Passwooooord?"

"Butterscotch toad," you tell him, and briefly wonder if Tulip had something to do with the password, considering her adoration for toads.

He nods, and the portrait swings open like a door, inviting you in. You climb through and right away you get an exact idea of just what kind of party this is. On the surface, it looks like what it's called: a Christmas party for sixth-years only. There's merry decorations, tinsel and strings of lights everywhere. But its innocence has been brutally torn away, replaced by a bunch of sixteen-year-olds stumbling around, drunker than the man in the portrait. Several couples are snogging in darker corners or right in the open, and nobody seems to care about it. Fancy, dressy outfits that were put together with care an hour ago are now disheveled and stained.

"Shit," you mutter. This is not the kind of thing you wanted to get into. But you're here for Penny. Her happiness is what's most important right now, not yours. So you grudgingly take a seat and lazily scan your eyes over the crowd, only kind of searching for her. She said she'd find you, after all, so—

That's when your eyes land on her. In less than half a second, all of your doubts vanish. This is a different Penny than the one you saw earlier in herbology— and only now do you realize you've never seen Penny in party mode. You only see her in her most modest form: neat Hufflepuff robes, hair plaited, appearance spotless. You can't believe you have known this girl for six years. You can't believe you have waited six years to see this version of her.

She smiles brightly and heads over to you. You don't bother to conceal the fact you're eyeing her up. She's wearing a tight-fitting blue gown adorned with sequins. The garment hugs the curves you'd never noticed she had. It's also low-cut, offering a decent view of her chest. You swallow shakily as your eyes continue moving up. Her face is all done up with fresh makeup and zero sign of the day's tears. Thick lashes, shimmery eyeshadow, dark pink lipstick. The most notable difference is her hair. You've never seen her hair without at least one braid woven into it. But now it's all let down, tumbling past her shoulders like blonde waterfalls. Plentiful, shiny waves of hair softer than the softest blanket— you know, you've touched it before. At last she reaches you. "Hey, (Name)! You finally made it."

Your nerves are so electric, you can practically feel them buzzing just underneath your skin. "Y- yep. I'm here," you stutter. Your mind is blank except for one thought repeating itself again and again, prodding your brain: Penny is hot. Penny is very hot. Penny is a very attractive person who is standing a few centimeters away from me. You hope you're not sweating excessively. Desperately, you hope not.

"What do you think?" she asks, gesturing around you both. "Aren't parties great? I like them because this is where everyone can let loose and have fun. I think we really deserve this, don't you?"

It takes a second to recognize that you've been asked a question. "Um, yeah," you say lamely.

"Come on, there's some people I want you to meet," Penny chirps as she grabs your hand. You grit your teeth the second you touch her. You know your hand must be sweaty as hell, but if she notices she doesn't say anything of it.

She introduces you to some of her Hufflepuff friends who you always noticed from afar all these years, but never actually talked to. There's Michael, who is clearly staring at Penny's chest the entire time she's talking to him. Gabriel is kind, but too tipsy to really have a decent conversation with. Marilia is sweet, but seems a little flustered when the two of you walk up to her. The entire time Penny drags you around from person to person, you're trying to ignore your lightheadedness.

Eventually you two find Ben, Tonks, Tulip, and Charlie. Ben and Charlie look very dashing in button down shirts. Tulip is in a sleek black skirt and white top, while Tonks is in her usual clothes, because of course she is. You envy her as you shift uncomfortably in your heels— there's definitely going to be blisters on your feet when the night is over.

"Well, well. (Name)'s actually tall for once," Tulip says.

You're too dizzy to bite back with a humorous response. You blink a few times. Your head is spinning, actually. Your brain is wobbling and your skull is tilting back and forth in your head like a see-saw. You look down at the drink in your hand. The frothy liquid is a swirling, dangerous whirlpool. What kind of dark magic is in that stuff?

A couple more hours pass by as you hang with your friends. Gradually the shy giggles turn into obnoxious guffaws. You and Penny sit on a sofa and you start out with a little space between you. Then that turns into her leaning a bit on your arm, then her head is resting on your shoulder. There's one point where you're laughing at something Tonks or Charlie just said, and you incline your head to look at the weight pressing into your side, and Penny's laughing too, you can feel her shaking sides tickle your ribs, and then her gaze flits upward and you're both looking at each other, and with that something falls into place. Your heart freezes and your brain, currently in quite the disastrous state, quits functioning. You wander into the lagoon in her blue eyes and after tonight, you realize vaguely, there's no wandering back out of that lagoon.

You and Penny excuse yourselves from the group. The room the party is being held in is connected to a few other smaller rooms, with short hallways in between. A layout that would be basic to any sober person is like a maze to you both. You kick off your heels and scamper close behind her, your bare feet skimming over the creaky wooden floor.

She gets her hands on a door knob and when it opens, you two fall through into a dark, narrow corridor. It seems empty and deserted. For just a second the air is filled with heavy breathing, but then fingers dig into your shoulders and you're slammed against the wall. She's just a hair taller than you without heels on, so she bends down slightly to rest her cheek on your chest. Her breath comes out in hot puffs, grazing your skin with the sweetest feeling that makes your heart slam against your ribcage. She stays in that position until both of you have caught your breath. Then she lifts her head so you're nose to nose.

"Your heart's like a jackhammer," she whispers. Jackhammer? You try to place a definition for that word, but you can't so you figure it must be a muggle object. Way to show her half-blood heritage.

You can't find the courage to reply. You're still stunned that you're here in this dark hall with Penny Haywood leaning into you— her breasts like a warm cushion between your bodies and her endless hair going astray and teasing your goose bump-covered skin.

As your eyes adjust to the dark, you can see that she's still studying you with a great intensity. She speaks again, and the tang of alcohol stings your nostrils.

"I've never done much with a girl before," she says. "I… I mean, little pecks and kisses here and there, but never—"

You wrap one hand around the back of her head, relishing the sleek coolness of her hair as you bring your lips to meet hers. You initiated the kiss, but it's her who leans into it hungrily, her entire body now pinning you to the stone wall. You soon learn how vocal she is; her moans travel up her throat, into your own mouth, and reverberate around your skull. It makes your knees wobble and the pure ecstasy fueling your brain explodes like an array of fireworks.

It's truly the most extraordinary thing you've done. Six years at Hogwarts— the Cursed Vaults, your interminable feud with Merula, your missing brother— all of it disappears in an instant. It's like you have cast the Obliviate charm on yourself, and preserved only these heart-thudding seconds of your life. You're snogging Penny Haywood after years of one-sided pining and watching her heart get stomped on by jerky boys who didn't appreciate what they had. You're snogging Penny Haywood, and it's the best thing.

Your relationship becomes an accidental secret. You know you wouldn't care if others found out, but neither of you speak about it aloud, so it just stays under wraps.

In fact, in front of others you and Penny are as painfully platonic as ever. But there are times, when Rowan is focused on their book or Tulip's head is turned the other way, where she'll let her hand brush yours as she reaches forward to get something. It's the most innocent action, and it almost exasperates you that she acts like you're a couple of awkward first-years.

Then, however, there are other instances where you and her are anything but a couple of awkward first-years. You'll be walking down the hall by yourself, heading to lunch, when an arm darts out of an empty classroom and drags you in. The door slams shut, a silencing charm is cast, and then she's on you like a hungry predator, sucking on the sensitive skin of your neck and reducing you to a wobbly mess. There are the times when you'll pounce as well, jogging down a deserted corridor with her and barely escaping Filch's ever-watchful eye. You might end up in a bathroom, falling into a stall together as the door bangs loudly against the wall, but you pull it shut with your heel and strain one hand back to slide the lock in place before you return your hand to her hair, unraveling the perfect braids as she lets your tongue explore her mouth, and after the make out session you leave with an aftertaste of the caramel sweets she had eaten earlier.

The first time you two are caught, it's luckily not in the act— it's afterward, in the girls' toilet on the third floor that is almost always empty. You're catching your breath, leaning against the cool marble wall, as she fixes her hair in front of the mirror.

The door groans open, and both of you jump. You turn to see who it is; Penny's face has turned three shades paler, so you know it must not be good. And sure enough, there's Merula Snyde, her eyes flicking back and forth from one disheveled girl to the other. "The hell happened here?" she asks, but from the glint in her gaze you know she knows.

"I'm just fixing my hair, Merula," Penny responds, your enemy's name coming out in a soft exhale that makes your heart thrum. Then she glances over at you, her gaze hard. "And so is (Name)."

"Fixing my…? Oh yes, I'm fixing my hair, too." It's useless, but you step up to the mirror neighboring Penny's and start frantically smoothing down the flyaway hairs.

Merula nods. "Right, right. Just fixing your hair. In the snogging restroom."

Your arms stiffen. Penny tenses next to you. Merula's smirking reflection stands just behind you.

"Everybody knows the empty restroom on the third floor corridor is for snogging. It's been the snogging restroom for ages, I mean— you've seriously never heard about it? I'm sure the Potters went here, I'm sure your parents went here, too, (Last name)."

"Shut your trap," you growl. "Tell me, Merula, if this is the snogging restroom, then why have you come here alone?"

Penny stifles a giggle behind her fingers as Merula smolders.

"Whatever," she snaps. "I suggest you find a spell good enough to cover up Haywood's lip color that's smeared all around your mouth, (Last name). And Haywood, if everyone sees those hickeys on your neck, then your pathetic little rebound will be even more obvious than when I reveal it to the whole school." With that, she stalks out.

You're trembling with fury by the time she's gone, but Penny doesn't seem bothered at all. She finishes taming her hair back into the braids, then faces you and shrugs. "It's Merula. You know she never does what she says she's going to do." She plants a final kiss on your cheek, then takes her exit.

As usual, Merula isn't true to her word. An uneventful month passes by, and sure enough nobody else still knows. You suppose you have enough dirt on the coward to keep her trap shut.

The second time you and Penny are caught, it is in the act. You two had sneaked into your dormitory, which is blissfully empty (you'd tried her dorm first, but Tonks had looked very confused when you and her bustled in, then immediately turned back around and left). First thing you do after entering is push her against a wall then lift her up in your arms so her thighs are squeezing your torso. Let's just say Quidditch practice has given you sudden bursts of extra strength. Now her head's above yours, and she stretches her neck down to collide her lips with yours. You both manage to dislodge a curtain, scare off a pet cat, and knock over a stack of books before falling as one onto your bed. The mattress bounces like your nerves. Your mouth is kiss-swollen and tingling, the "Penny Effect" taking control of you more than ever before.

It's when your hands are up her shirt and she's whimpering in pleasure into your neck that another unsuspecting soul walks in.

Poor, poor Rowan. They'd strolled into the dormitory expecting to have it all to themself for a nice, quiet reading session. That illusion is immediately destroyed when they see a peculiar sight on your bed: two girls tangled together in a fierce display of passion. Their eyes dart down to the robes crumpled on the floor— yours on one side, and yellow Hufflepuff ones on the other. They look back up and the long, silky blonde hair is unmistakable.

"For Merlin's sake!" Rowan shouts. You and Penny spring apart in alarm. "Couldn't you have found a more private place to do that?"

You nibble your sore lip. "I, um… it was private for a while." Rowan glares at you. "Un… until now," you add sheepishly.

Penny looks guilty as ever and won't remove her gaze from her lap. You're both in your underclothes, the farthest layer you two have ever reached thus far. So, you figure, it could've been worse.

"Unbelievable! How long have you two been doing this?"

"A few months," you tell them quietly.

Rowan perches themself on the edge of their bed, shaking their head in dismay. "Two of my best friends… you lot are my two best friends, and you decide to keep a secret this big from me?"

You open your mouth to explain, but Penny cuts in. "We wanted to keep it to ourselves," she says, raising her head and staring at Rowan solemnly. Her flat tone clashes with the apologetic expression on her face.

"Why?" Rowan demands.

You're too busy trying to figure out why Penny said that answer, so she covers for you again. "We're not really sure what this is, exactly, so… we just kept it a sworn secret."

Your muscles go limp, and you collapse against your pillow. Penny senses the movement and twists around, but when she tries to connect your gazes you refuse.

Rowan stands up with their arms crossed. "I'm just… I'm just going to leave. I need to think." They storm out with a huff and disappear back down the staircase.

"… fuck," Penny groans, falling onto her back as her silken hair spreads out like a fan.

"So… this is supposed to be a secret? Something forbidden you don't want anyone to know about?"

She flips onto her stomach, her brow furrowed. "What are you talking about, (Name)?"

"You'd be embarrassed if everyone knew, wouldn't you? It's like Merula said. I'm just your rebound, or your experiment, or— or whatever you want to call it. You just want to see what 'it' is like with a girl. Well guess what, Pen, you can't just kiss me silly, have sex with me, then move on to the next bloke!" While the harsh accusations roll off your tongue, something stabs at your gut. You curl yourself into a tighter ball as you speak, and you watch her confused expression shatter into a million irreparable shards.

You remember the first time you noticed how beautiful she is— it was back in third or fourth year, and you were playing gobstones with her in the courtyard, then she threw back her head and laughed, and it was the kind of laugh that made sunshine beam inside you, warming you to your core, and you just knew from then on. Even from the first moment she'd walked up to you in first year and remarked on how brave you were for dueling Merula— you'd noted how simply pretty she was, the kind of girl who you could pass on the street and do a double take at. The kind who could stick in your mind for a while even after only seeing her face once. And now you sit here on your bed, watching as she shatters in front of you, and the knife you've stabbed into your own gut twists.

Her voice is at an ominously low level when she finally speaks. "First of all, (Name), you implying that I'm a heartless slut really hurts my feelings. I never thought you could say something that bloody careless." She sits up and glowers at you. "And for your information, if you were my rebound, I would've let you go months ago. Do you think I kiss you all the time because I'm lonely and feeling sorry for myself?" Tears start to drip down her face. "No! I… I kiss you because I like it a lot, I… I enjoy it a lot. This has nothing to do with you being the same gender as me, it has to do with me liking you, goddamn it! And… and we never went out of our way to mention this to anyone, so I assumed it should be a secret. And even if we weren't secretive about it, I mean— I mean, I would be scared if everyone knew be— because… oh, (Name), it's 1990, progress should be made, but there are still so many who would judge us." She hops off the bed and snatches up her robes, slipping them back on and throwing the hood over her messy hair.

You tremble violently and hug your knees to your chest. She throws one more scowl at you, and it's like the one last dagger needed to finally kill you. "(Name), I do like you for real. Not just as a friend. Maybe… maybe even I love you. I don't know. But I don't deserve this." She whips around and you can hear her deafening, angry footsteps fading down the staircase.

You cave in on yourself and cry silently until you drift to sleep.

In your slumber, you have a nightmare. It's similar to Penny's situation with that arsehole Seb back in December. You hear something behind a closed door. You open it, and find Penny kissing someone who is way better looking than you, but they don't possess even half of Penny's beauty. The blonde turns to you with a devilish grin and cackles. "Just so you know, (Name), this is what a rebound looks like," she tells you before reattaching her face to the other person's.

You wake up drenched in sweat and feeling sour as ever. Your stomach rumbles, a swirling storm of sickness roiling within. You stay in bed all day and skip classes.

The following day, Rowan finally speaks to you again. "(Name)," they whisper, nudging you awake.

You roll over and look up at them in surprise. "I'm sorry," you say immediately. Your throat is parched. You can't remember the last time you had even one drop of water.

"It's alright," they reply, "though after thinking it over, it did occur to me that it really wasn't ever any of my business." Rowan hesitates, then carefully goes on. "Um… listen, I made up with Penny already"— you cringe just hearing her name— "and I was talking with her at breakfast this morning. She seemed very upset about whatever it was you said to her."

You rub your face and massage your aching temples. "I basically called her a slut."

"Oh," Rowan winces.

"And I, uh, I claimed she was just using me."

Rowan grits their teeth. "I would say it's safe to assume she has good reason to be upset, then, but—"

"No, yeah, you're right. Fuck." You unfold yourself from the depressed ball you had been tucked into for the past couple days. Your arms shoot up and you stretch your back luxuriously, waiting until your spine cracks in that satisfying way. "Alright. Let me get dressed and I'll talk to her in div."

You show up at divination class sooner than you would like. Gulping, you shuffle deeper into the room until your eyes land on your usual place in between Charlie and Penny.

Charlie grins broadly and welcomes you back. Penny, on a completely different page from you and him, is intently focused on her homework for charms. Her quill scribbles furiously over the page and her forehead is all crinkled up like tissue paper; both indicate her intense determination to ignore you.

You drop down into the seat next to her and awkwardly drum your fingers on the desk. "Well," you begin.

"Save it," she snaps.

You startle at her abruptness. "Pens—" you try again.

"Don't want to hear it."

Your heart drops and you settle back against your seat, utterly at a loss. Trelawney starts her lecture, slinking around in that strange way she does, but you're so far deep into your imagination that paying attention is out of the question. In your peripheral, you see Penny lifting her head ever so slightly, her eyes dully resting on the professor.

You think back to your fight, how her face was beet red, makeup ruined by tears and snot. Your mind then shifts to thinking about kissing her. You know that you'll never not like kissing Penny Haywood. Penny bloody Haywood. Ah, hell, what is wrong with me? You think about the first second you met her, you think about those late nights in the potions classroom brewing non-Snape-approved substances, you think about her sitting behind you by the fireplace weaving a million braids into your hair, you think about the werewolf, the secret only you know, the secret she made herself forget, you think about the Christmas party, you think about her tongue twirling in rhythm with yours, you think about the alcohol, the sweat, the tears, the most amazing feeling that bursts in your stomach when you lay in bed next to her and smell coconut in her hair from the shampoo she uses.

You spend the whole class thinking about what you've lost. When it's over you want to dig a hole, throw yourself into it, pull crushing dirt over yourself, and never see light again.

"Were you listening at all, (Name)?" Charlie teases as the class files out.

"Eh, divination is a waste of time anyway," you mutter. You spot Penny walking briskly two or three paces ahead of you. You excuse yourself and catch up to her.

"Penny, you don't have to say anything, but just listen to me, please. I didn't mean to—"

You feel an iron grip close on your upper arm. With a murderous growl, she yanks you into an empty side hall. She flings her arms into a crossed position over her midsection. "No," she hisses. "You listen to me. You had no right to attack me like you did. No right!" Already she's crying again, but this time she lets the tears drip undisturbed, leaving black mascara trails. "Everything was swell, then you turned on me out of nowhere! I'm sorry I wanted to keep us a secret, (Name). I'm sorry if I offended you. If you want me to scream it to the heavens, I will. I just… I just don't understand what went wrong."

You feel something heavy filling your eyes and blurring your vision. Your chest heaves and you let out a breath. "Penny, I'm the one who should be apologizing. I- I think I just felt… insecure. I didn't… I couldn't imagine why you would want to be with me. I'm way out of your league. You could've had someone like Bill, or— or…" You trail off. "I… just. I'm sorry, Pen. It was out of line, those things I said to you. You didn't deserve that. If… if we could restart where we left off, before I ruined everything, then maybe…"

The words die on your tongue again. Your mouth goes dry as your eyes slowly move up to lock with hers. "It's okay, love." She smiles and steps forward, tucking stray hairs behind your ear. Her smooth hand slips under your chin and she guides your lips to meet hers. It's the gentlest kiss you two have shared. Joy fizzes in every ounce of your blood, from your fingertips to your toes.

"I love you," you say as you separate. The words slip out of your mouth. You hadn't meant for them to come out, but Penny grins.

She takes your hand and chuckles in that light, airy laugh of hers. Like clouds you could float on forever. You know, you know you'll never be free from Penny Haywood's delightful curse. "I know," she says, and with that she pulls you back into the stream of students walking to class.

[bartsugsy]

Write me meta on Robert's self worth issues please.

absolutely yes. welcome to “lo takes the scenic route to get to a point”:

it’s not like it’s grounded in irrational feelings, you know? i think a lot of it is really rooted in guilt. he’s done so much to so many people and ruined lives or tried to ruin other peoples lives and i think he blames himself for even more than he’s necessarily directly responsible for because he has recognised all the damage he’s caused. and more than that, he’s seen in himself the ways that he causes hurt and he genuinely regrets so much of it

obviously its probably also partially motivated by being second best in his dads eyes growing up - and the way his sexuality tied in with that always kills me to think about - andy was the perfect son to jack, the perfect straight son and robert was the disappointment. so that i’m sure has some bearing on it, but he’s spent so much of his adult life being a genuinely terrible person that i don’t think it’s necessarily worth giving that part too much credit.

bc it’s more worthwhile to me that robert has done all of this stuff and spent so much time looking out for Number One and doing what he needed to do to not just get by but to really succeed - and then he met aaron, someone who genuinely believed he could be better - and he actively tried. and then andy tried to kill him and aaron was a suspect and that was like another wake up call to robert to the damage he had been causing and then aaron genuinely needed someone to step up and so robert did without a second thought and aaron started to genuinely and truly understand all the love that robert has in his heart that most people rarely see.

BUT THE THING IS, rob carries all that guilt around and the knowledge that most people don’t expect much more from him and also he went from trying to be better to developing this massive streak of self sabotage when it all started to fall down around him and i think

i think he’s a little scared of himself and what he can cause, in a way - he doesn’t want to hurt people or cause any more death and he certainly doesn’t want to hurt aaron anymore and i think… i think that as much as aaron was scared of the depth of his own feelings for robert and how much potential hurt that could cause, robert had a moment in the reunion episode where it was his turn to feel that way

like, fuck, the one thing he has spent seven months wanting MORE THAN ANYTHING is finally happening and he gets so instantly scared of it, because it’s so much, because the last seven months have been the worst part of robert’s life and he doesn’t trust himself not to fuck it up

and he’s so terrified of how much he hurt aaron last time and he places the blame squarely on himself, as we saw, even though aaron doesn’t because aaron understands that there are two people in a relationship

(and detour, bc i wanna expand slightly on what aaron said about rebecca and robs infidelity and everything in the reunion ep: i keep thinking that aaron started using drugs in prison, in the same way that he had previously self harmed, because he was being literally tortured and it was terrible. he said over and over that he used the thought of robert to get him through and by the time he got out of prison, the only literal only thing that was keeping him together was robert. i just keep thinking… how badly did robert need to fuck up for aaron to have been affected that much? bc rob obviously fucked up but ultimately at that point, with aaron placing the entirety of his mental well being on robert’s love, if robert had even just stopped at a kiss, or even if it had been something entirely different, i feel like it could have and would have gone the same route for aaron. because aaron was traumatised and very much wasn’t dealing with anything. this is not to absolve robert in any way (although u know i think that the ons was one of the most sympathetic moments rob has had lmao, he still actively hurt aaron) but more just my understanding of aaron’s words yesterday and why aaron doesn’t feel in any way like robert’s cheating is the root cause of his struggles with his mh last year and why aaron isn’t scared to be in a relationship with robert because of that.)

BUT ANYWAY, rob doesn’t see it like that, rob is just scared of hurting aaron that much again and yeah, he’s scared of being hurt again, because he doesn’t trust himself to do otherwise!!! because he still truly thinks he’s a terrible person even though he’s tried so hard!!! like… it happened before, didn’t it? he tried to be good for so long and then something happened and he threw it all out of the window and destroyed his marriage (in robs mind)

(again i agree with aaron that rebecca didn’t break them up bc as i will never not point out, they almost broke up and should have probably broken up back in january 17 after the fight and that wasn’t really rebecca related although she was a catalyst, that was directly related to the two of them having such difficulty being open with one another and communicating their feelings before the point of implosion)

so rob failed at being good once before and maybe he just sort of feels like a fucking ticking time bomb, just waiting until the next moment something happens and he destroys everything around him. he’s so terrified of that! and the fact that he’s scared of it is so good because it means he recognises what he has been capable of and what happened to him over the past seven months. he’s come so far.

ROB JUST DOESNT BELIEVE IN THE GOOD IN HIS HEART AT ALL THOUGH

ITS LIKE WHEN SEB WAS BORN AND HE TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM AND TRIED TO LEAVE TOWN, BECAUSE HOW COULD HE EVER BE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO BE WHAT SEB DESERVES??

but every time he has ever doubted himself, aaron has been there. because aaron knows what robert has done, every bit of the bad yes, but also every bit of the good. he is the only one who always gives robert credit for the good and who sees it and who accepts the love robert has to give so incredibly gratefully because it’s so massive and it’s so much and just

robert has no faith in himself but he’s still trying anyway and that, that and the fact that he does have all this love to give deep down, is literally all aaron needs from him

everyone thinks robert is the worst human with occasional redeeming moments but aaron just sees all this wonderful potential and goodness.

this is a mess idc it’s all intrinsically linked at this point, like everything is with them

[nooneelsecomesclose17]

Go to the ends of the earth for you - Part 2

Really struggled with this chapter and it was meant to include a Paddy confrontation but it wouldn't fit, so that's still to come!

(AO3 link)

It had to happen, he’d known there would be no escaping them once he was back in the village and he’d barely set a foot outside the door of the B&B on the way to see the solicitor about Seb, before going to visit Robert, when his Mum is there.

“Mum, I don’t have time right now.” He opens the car door only for her to slam it shut.

“Make time. What on earth are you playing at Aaron? You disappear with barely a word, we don’t hear from you for a year and then you’re back and you don’t tell us.”

“Why would I?”

“I’m your mother!”

“Right. Of course. I guess I missed your text at Christmas did I? Or all the calls you made, given you had my number.” She doesn’t answer, barely even looks sorry and he opens the door again. “Like I said, I don’t have time. I’ve a meeting about getting my son back.”

“What? Why?”

“What do you mean why?” He’s half in the car and the voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Robert tells him to leave it but he can’t. “He’s mine and Robert’s son, he deserves to be with us.”

“Bothered now is he? Now he doesn’t have to share him.”

“You’re hardly someone to lecture on leaving a child Mum.”

“You can’t speak to me like that!”

“I can, and I just did. Now, I’m late.” He spots his Gran at the door to the B&B and she smiles at him, and it gives him the courage to go, to not get sucked into the same old arguments again. “Bye Mum.”

———-

“So you just left her standing there?” Robert chuckles when he’s finished telling his story. “I wish I could’ve seen it.”

“I bet you do. You’re a nightmare. No doubt I’ll get an earful next time I see her or Paddy.”

“Why don’t you find somewhere outside the village? There’s no need to stay there and put up with them.”

“I’m nearer Seb this way. Besides who’s going to keep you in gossip if I’m not there. I can handle ‘em. Anyway, how are you?”

“I’m fine. Stop worrying. Ethan’s good you know, really good. He’s been over everything again this morning.”

“I…is it wrong to say I’m afraid to hope?” That was what was at the root of everything, his fear that all of this would've been for nothing and he’d lose him anyway. Robert reaches over and places his hand over Aaron’s, holding tight when Aaron instinctively moves away.

“I don’t care, Aaron. I don’t care who knows.”

“But…” It wasn’t safe, it meant a target on your back, he knew that. He gulps, Robert was willing to do that, to out himself in here, for him.

“I hid for so long, I don’t…I know it might mean trouble, but I don’t want to have to sit across from you and not even be able to hold hands. I can’t. You’re my husband.”

“I know that. I don’t need you to hold my hand to know it. I just want you to be safe.” He was so proud of him, but at the same time, fear and memories were making him urge to pull his hand away to protect him.

“You keep telling me not to worry about you, well I’m telling you not to worry about me. You said you’re afraid to hope, and so am I, but once upon a time I was afraid to hope I could ever be with you, have a family with you.” He nods, he’s not convinced, daren’t let himself be, but he’s not going to take away whatever’s improved Robert’s mood. “Anyway, tell me about Seb.”

“He’s amazing. He introduced me to all his toys, and told me how he’d shared some with Harry because he was all grown up now and didn’t need them.”

“I can’t believe all that time, Rebecca was gone and we didn’t know. I don’t understand why no one called us. Cain knew where we were.”

“I asked him that. He reckoned he knew we’d come rushing home, and he figured you being banged up for life wouldn’t do Seb any good. I told him that wasn’t his decision to make, but you know Cain. But we’re back now, he’s not without us any more.”

“Well you at least.”

“Only for a while. Then the three of us are going to be happy ever after. I saw the solicitor this morning. She reckons it’s just a formality for him coming home to us, some box ticking and that, as long as we’ve got a decent place for him to live.”

“Which we don’t.”

“That’s tomorrow’s job, finding somewhere half decent for us until you come home and we decide where we’re going to live.”

“You know, you could always buy Liv out of the house.”

“No.”

“Aaron…”

“I mean it. For one thing I don’t want to go back there, not now, and second as angry as I am with her still, I wouldn’t turf her out. Besides, we don’t even know if we’re staying so why make trouble?” He’d thought about it, it’d be easier than finding somewhere else, but at the end of the day he really didn’t want to go back there, not now.

“You were really serious, you’d move out of the village, even if you didn’t have to?”

“I don’t care where we live Robert. It looks pretty clear Mum and I aren’t going to make amends, and anyone else can always visit. I’m seeing an estate agent tomorrow to find somewhere to rent until you get out, so we can show social services that Seb will be cared for, and when you come home then we can do whatever we want.” He frowns as the bell rang signalling their time was up. “I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do so stop thinking the way you are.”

“I hate how well you know me sometimes.” They get to their feet and he hesitates, for all Robert’s words he might not want to hug goodbye, but Robert pulls him close, holding him tight before smiling at him. “Kiss Seb for me.”

“I will. I’ll see you soon.” He’d visit every day if he could but both Vic and Diane had said they wanted to visit so he’d stood aside for a couple of days. Robert goes giving him a nod, and he waits until he’s gone through the door before he turns and leaves.

———-

He doesn’t go back to the village right away, instead he parks up in a lay-by, their lay-by. His head is filled with everything he needs to do, to get everything just so for Seb, find a new house, get Cain to take him back at the garage for as long as it took. The scrapyard sale had gone through about four months into their time in France and they’d been glad of the money, still were, but it meant he had no job to go back to and he felt he needed one to make a good impression.

Then he had to be there for Robert. It felt strange to be the one taking chance, getting stuff done. It had always been Robert, the house, the wedding, he’d always taken the lead and he’d let him. He’d liked it, after so many years of being either on his own or constantly let down by his family, it was a nice feeling to have someone there to take the burden. Now he had to step up and be that person for Robert.

First things first, the job is probably the easiest thing to sort out and he texts Cain, grimacing when the reply says to meet him in the pub. That’s the last place he wants to go, but this is for Seb so he’ll do it. Cain’s buying though he decides as he puts the car in gear, heading back towards the village.

He can’t see his Mum behind the bar when he steps into the pub and he finds Cain at the table in the corner.

“Why did we have to meet in here?”

“I was in the middle of my pint. You can’t avoid her forever.”

“I’m not, she already collared me this morning. I’m not in the mood for anything she or Paddy have to say Cain and you know why.”

“Well you can’t avoid them forever if you’re staying.”

“I don’t know if we are yet.” It’s the first time he’s said it out loud to anyone but Robert but the longer he’s here the more he knows it’s not home anymore. “When Robert gets out we’ll decide where we’re going to live.”

“You’d leave, even if you don’t have to.”

“Doesn’t feel much like we’re wanted anymore. I don’t want a lecture or any kind of interference either. I just wanted to ask if I could get a few shifts at the garage…need to show social services we can provide for Seb.”

“You know I can always find work for ya. You should try and talk to your Mum though. I’m not sayin’ stay, but she’s your Mum.”

“And how’s that working for you and Gran?” He can’t help smiling a little at the scowl he gets from his uncle over the top of his pint. “If she drops the attitude then maybe I’ll talk to her, but we both know that won’t happen. Anyway, that’s all I came in for. When do you want me to start?”

“Oh, you mean you actually want to work? I was just going to make all the right noises for the social worker.”

“Nah, it’s going to be all above board. Besides, I need something to do until Robert gets out.”

“Day after tomorrow.” Cain nods. “Don’t be late.”

———-

“So, you’re taking the house?”

“Yeah, six month lease.” He lies down on the bed as he answers, the busy day getting to him all of a sudden, Robert’s voice letting him relax for the first time in hours.

“That’s optimistic.”

“I can extend it if I need to. Might want to high tail it out of town by then.” He says it to get the expected laugh from Robert and he’s pleased when he does.

“You know, we used to live there, just before I left, Me, Dad, Andy and Vic.”

“Yeah? I can call you if I need to find the stopcock then can I?”

“Ha ha.”

“Anyway, any news on a court date yet?”

“Oh, yeah, the tenth.”

“Not long then. You ok?”

“Yeah. At least we’ll know then, right?” He can hear the wobble in his voice, wants to hold him more than anything. “It’s fine, Aaron. Talk to me about Seb. Still going with the zoo for his birthday?”

“Yeah. It’s too cold for the beach and he loves animals. Then maybe tea at Vic’s. I just…can’t wait until he’s home with me properly. I miss the little monster.”

“Me too.” He lets Robert’s voice lull him nearly to sleep before they have to hang up.

———-

“I’ve packed his bag, there’s extra juice in the pockets and a change of clothes and…” He puts a hand over Vic’s as she’s rifling through the bag.

“Vic, this isn’t my first time. We’re going to be fine, right mate?”

“Yeah!”

“We’ll be back by four for tea.” He feels bad, knows she’s missing Robert too and maybe he should have stayed home, spent the day with her too but he needs to get out of the village and spending the day with Seb sounds like heaven now. “I just need to be doing something, so I’m not worrying about tomorrow all day.”

“I know. Well, you have a good day.”

Seb’s chattering keeps him occupied on the drive, it’s a nice change to the silence of his thoughts. He’s had the court date on his mind ever since Robert told him, all manner of scenarios running through his head, mostly bad as if he’s afraid to even contemplate a good outcome.

Seb loves the zoo, and Aaron takes a ton of pictures that he can take in for Robert at the next visit. He’s worn out on the drive home and Aaron has to carry him from the car.

“Aaron, I just wanted to see how you are after today.” He turns to see Ethan looking at him, concerned.

“Fine. Me and Seb have had a great day at the zoo, haven’t we mate.”

“Oh. Well that explains why I didn’t see you in court.”

“What? That’s tomorrow.”

“No, it was this morning. I assumed Robert would tell you. I did think it was odd not seeing you.”

“He told me…never mind. So…what happened?” He has to bite down on the anger rising inside him, that Robert would lie after everything, all they’d been through. “How long?”

“Two years. He’ll likely only serve half of that and then be on licence for the rest. I can take you through it all if you like, but given everything this was a good outcome.” It didn’t feel like that, it felt an age, and reliant on Robert keeping away from trouble, and the goodwill of someone who didn’t know them. “I just got off the phone, he’s staying at Hotten, although the main prison now obviously.”

“Ok, thanks.” He can’t seem to get his thoughts in order. “Sorry, I…”

“It’s ok. Why don’t I call in tomorrow and we’ll talk. I expect Robert will have called you by then.”

“Hope he’s ready to be yelled at.” Ethan laughs. “Thank you, again. I should…get him inside. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He’s on autopilot as he grabs Seb’s bag from the boot, locking the car and knocking on Vic’s door. “Your Daddy is an idiot mate. You’ll come to learn that soon enough. Always thinks he knows best he does. But we love him anyway don’t we?”

[nooneelsecomesclose17]

Have faith in what will be - Part 1

It’s by accident that he sees them. He’s on his way home from a business dinner and the cab takes him past Bar West and they’re just about to go inside. Whoever it is with Aaron has an arm round his shoulders. He turns his head away, it still hurts after all this time.

It’s not the first time he’s seen Aaron with someone, of course it isn’t, but every time it’s just another reminder of what he’s lost.

He sees them again the next morning, when he’s on a run for milk. He’s forever running out, Seb seems to inhale the stuff and he always forgets to pick some up ready for the next morning.

They’re just coming out of Mill as he nears the shop, and it’s nothing really, just a quick goodbye kiss. It’s not the first time Robert’s seen him leaving, hell Aaron’s probably seen him doing the same on the very rare occasion he likes someone enough to let them into his home, but he’s heard the gossip, that they’ve been going out a while, that it’s serious.

He realises he’s standing and staring when David is waving a hand in front of his face and he jumps a little. “Sorry, mate, you looked miles away.” He looks and Robert sees his face change, almost embarrassed, and will it ever not be that way even after so long.

“Something like that. Just after some milk.” He hooks a finger around the handle of a bottle and stands it on the counter, fumbling for his change, because now they’re in the shop, laughing and joking. “Thanks. See ya.”

He catches Aaron’s gaze as he leaves and he smiles a little, they always do because it’s them and he doesn’t think they’ll ever not be ‘them’. It’s why he’d left after all. After everything had quietened down, when he was left with a three month old baby and a ton of guilt he couldn’t bear to stay no matter how much his sister had tried to persuade him.

So he’d gone, not like last time. He’d said his goodbyes, done it properly, put up with the tears from Vic. Not like anyone else would really miss him. He was scared, on his own with a tiny baby, no idea what he was doing. He managed somehow, not without a few late night phone calls to Diane or Vic, but he’d got through it and they’d been ok, the two of them.

He tried, God he’d tried to put everything away in a box in his mind, Aaron, everything he’d done, all of it, because he had to move on had to make a new life for himself. He’d done it before, hadn’t he, so it shouldn’t be any different this time. The difference was this time he wasn’t alone, he had Seb to think about and as much as he thought he was doing a good job, being the best Dad he could, it was just them, alone.

His son deserved a family and Robert’s was here, in Emmerdale. There wasn’t anyone else, he was all the tiny scrap of a thing had in the world. So he’d moved back, when Seb was about eighteen months old. He was doing an alright job but he missed his family, the crazy little village. They’d moved into the Nicola and Jimmy’s old place now they’d upgraded to somewhere just outside the village. It was a bit close for comfort sometimes but it had been the only place available, and even he had to admit it was handy for babysitting, or advice.

They’ve settled back in nicely in the year since they came home. He’d never got round to selling his shares in Home James, Nicola happy for him to be a silent partner, probably ecstatic in fact, so he’d settled right back in, albeit part time as if he’d never been away. 

He shakes himself out of his daydream and heads away from the shop before they can come back out. He drops the milk off at home, ready for Seb when he’s home from nursery and heads up to the scrap yard. They both still work there, although he spends most of the week either working at home or out at meetings and it’s…fine.

Sometimes he thinks it would be easier if they weren’t so civil, if they weren’t friendly. He could deal with that a lot easier. It’s better now, time’s a great healer and all that, but before he’d left the boundaries were weird and they’d find themselves close, too close, before one of them would come to their senses and move away. Usually Aaron because even though Robert understood it was for the best, that Aaron couldn’t do it, he would still have that small spark of hope that maybe just maybe…

That was part of why he moved away because he couldn’t move on seeing Aaron every day and he doubted it was any easier for Aaron even though he’d been the one to say once and for all that it was over.

When he’d come back they’d just settled down, not as friends, not even mates, some weird combination of the two, but it was as though the time apart had healed them both and they could be in the same room without any lingering feelings getting in the way.

“Oh. I didn’t realise you were in today.” He looks up at Aaron as he barrels in the door same as always. “Just came to pick up my phone. Must have left it here yesterday”

“Ok. I just came in this morning to get some of this done before I pick up Seb. You off anywhere nice?” He glances out of the window, and he’s there, leaning against Aaron’s car.

“We’re going to a car auction. Liv wants a car and I said I’d find her one.”

“She told me you’d tried teaching her to drive.” The dramatic retelling had kept him laughing for ages. Liv was a funny one, once she was sure they weren’t getting back together when he moved back, she’d started to come round a little and now she called in every so often to make herself at home on his sofa and scoff his food. They didn’t talk about Aaron, nothing serious anyway just general moans and groans. He’d asked Aaron after the first time whether he minded, didn’t want any more aggro, but as always Aaron was better than most, said it was up to Liv. “Bet that was a fun experience.”

“Yeah well, she’s havin’ proper lessons now. Better for everyone.” He rubbed at the back of his neck, the gesture so familiar it made Robert stop. “Anyway best be off.”

“Good luck…Aaron,” He stopped, one hand clasping the door handle. “He seems nice. I’m glad for you, really.” A smile and then he’s gone and Robert can breathe again.

*****

He doesn’t see them again for a month or so. They’d gone away, Liv tells him, Ibiza. He’s glad because as much as he’s happy for Aaron it’s still hard seeing him with someone else even after so much time. He can get used to it, he’s sure, but not all at once, needs time to let it sink in. He’s heard all about the failed dates and those that didn’t last past a couple of weeks while he was away from Liv the first couple of times he saw her. Maybe she did it to make sure he knew he had no chance, not that he thought otherwise, maybe she didn’t want him finding out from anyone else. Whatever it was he was glad he’d had the warning, not that he’d expected Aaron would stay single forever.

He doesn’t see Aaron for a while when they get back because if it’s not Seb that’s coughing and spluttering all over the place thanks to catching Vic’s cold, it’s him. He keeps him home, doesn’t go in to work, struggles on little to no sleep because Seb’s ended up in with him every night and his son is like a limpet, clinging to him, coughs wracking his tiny body throughout the night.

It’s just a cold but it scares him because it’s the first real illness he’s had and no matter what Vic and Diane say he’s worried.

He’s picking up the toys that are scattered around the place now that Seb’s finally asleep, hoping it lasts long enough for him to get a nap or at least a sit down, when the doorbell rings.

Aaron, holding what appears to be a casserole dish, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. He just stands aside beckoning him in.

“I, er, bumped into Diane…she asked me to drop this in. She was on her way to Hotten for an appointment or something. Said you’d been laid up all week.” He takes it with a tired smile, putting it on the kitchen table before dropping down into the armchair, waving his arm for Aaron to sit down.

“Seb more than me. I’d offer you a cuppa but it’s the first time I’ve sat down all day.”

“I’ll make it, looks like you could do with one.” There’s a hand on his shoulder as Aaron passes and he closes his eyes to the sound of the kettle and cups clinking as he moves about.

The next thing he knows Seb’s laughing and he snaps upright in the chair, imagining all sorts. What he doesn’t imagine is him being sat on Aaron’s lap, giggling as they turn the pages of one of his books.

“Hey, what’s this?”

“You were sparked out. Figured you needed it and he woke up. We’ve been alright haven’t we mate?” Seb just tips his head back to look up at this new person who’s talking to him, goofy smile in full force.

“Aaron…” It feels wrong, but also right and he’s confused and still half asleep. It’s everything he hoped, well the best he could have hoped for considering everything, and he only gets it when Aaron’s with someone else.

“Stop freaking out or whatever it is you’re doing. I’m helping you out, like anyone would. Besides this book is pretty interesting.” He lets Seb onto the floor when he whines and he’s climbing up next to Robert before either of them can say anything.

“Dinos Daddy!” The excitement in his voice makes Robert smile. He’s never been a chatterbox, late in starting to talk but he’s catching up and every word is like music to Robert’s ears. He catches Robert’s lip with the edge of the book and he hears Aaron stifle a laugh.

“I know, dinosaurs are your favourite aren’t they? Now I know why you were into the book.” He raises an eyebrow at Aaron.

“I, er, I should go, leave you to it.” He gets up, not quite meeting Robert’s eyes. He ruffles Seb’s hair as he passes.

“Thanks…for staying with him. I really did need that sleep.” With a nod he’s gone and the place feels empty but he doesn’t have the energy to go out or do anything so he just sits and listens as Seb looks through the book chattering to himself.

*****

They carry on like that for a while, running into each other in the shop and the cafe, one time in the pub when he convinced Vic to babysit so he could have an evening to himself.

He’s still seeing him, Robert knows that from the gossip he overhears when Pearl isn’t quite discreet enough. He doesn’t feel jealous, doesn’t have the right, but he feels like he’s lost something all over again.

He even tries going on a date, his first for a while. He’s nice enough, own business, successful, interesting he guesses, but he finds his attention straying halfway through the meal. He makes an excuse and he’s home before dark, stroking a hand through Seb’s hair as he tucks him in.

The next morning he passes Aaron in the street just as Vic is asking him how his date went. He thinks it’s his imagination but does Aaron hesitate just a little. He’d stop and try and make conversation, but Vic’s got her arm through his and is tugging him along.

“You know it’s not going to happen, right?”

“What are you on about?”

“Aaron. He’s happy Robert, with Mark.” He wishes he’d never agreed to brunch now because when she’s got a bee in her bonnet she doesn’t let up and he’s not in the mood. He knows why last night didn’t go well, it’s because throughout the meal he was thinking about what Aaron would be saying or doing and how the man in front of him just couldn’t compete with that.

“I know that. I even told him I was happy for him.” She looks over in surprise and he can’t help but smile at getting one over on her. “Didn’t know that did ya? Vic, I’m fine.” He holds her gaze, refuses to let her see he’s lying through his teeth.

“Hmm, so when do you want me to watch Seb for you again? I promised him we’d make cookies to next time he stayed over. That’s ok isn’t it?”

“As long as you’re the one looking after him when he’s hyped up on sugar, yes. Um, actually, could you have him tomorrow night?” She nodded eagerly, eyes shining over her cup of tea.

“Are you seeing him again then?”

“Something like that.” No he’s not, but she doesn’t have to know that. “Thanks Vic, where would I be without you?”

*****

Life goes on they say, so why does his feel as though it’s stopped all of a sudden. Ever since Aaron had called round that day a month or so ago it’s like his been thrown back in time. His days are set into a routine that he loves for it’s repetitiveness and he knows that it won’t be that way forever because it feels as though Seb is growing up every day, but he’s struggling and he doesn’t really know why. Why now? Maybe it was that tiny glimpse of how things could have been, how good Aaron had looked holding onto Seb, reading together. It was enough to make him want it all over again and bring everything back up, all that he’d thought he’d stamped down far enough to be left behind for good.

Right now he’s taking Seb to Isaac’s birthday party, because the two of them have of course become fast friends. He’ll drop him off and then pick him up, still not really comfortable being in the same room as a bunch of Dingles for any length of time. Vic will be there later so he knows he’ll be fine.

He doesn’t count on Seb having a tantrum as he goes to leave, demanding he stay, making a fuss so everyone’s looking. He feels totally inadequate even though he’s dealt with it before, just not with his ex’s family staring at him, thinking he can’t cope. Thankfully Moira sends him next door so he can calm him down in peace, and he can breathe.

He’s just tired and over excited and he’s curled up on Robert’s lap clutching his shirt, and Robert’s happy to stay where he is. He doesn’t look up when the door opens, expecting it to be Moira checking on them.

“He alright?” Aaron. He should have known he’d be here. He keeps his face turned away, cheek brushing against Seb’s soft hair, because he knows he’s got tears of frustration and exhaustion in his eyes, doesn’t want Aaron to see.

“Just tired. He’s decided he doesn’t like to sleep any more. Maybe I should take him home.

“No, wan’ to go.” He’s whining and Robert knows that means he’s tired but he’s never been able to deny him anything so he gets to his feet but Aaron’s hand on his arm stops him.

“Let me take him and then I’ll come back.” He frowns but doesn’t say anything, lets Aaron take Seb’s hand and lead him to the door to the room full of screaming children. He sits back down, head pounding already, doesn’t know what’s going on. He hears the whispered ‘it’s fine’ from Aaron before the door opens again and he’s back, perching on the table in front of him handing him a bottle of beer. “Vic’s here, he’s fine.”

“Thanks.” He takes a large sip of the drink, finds it easier to pick at the label on the bottle than look at Aaron. “Don’t you want to get back out there?”

“Mark’s not here if that’s what you’re askin’.” It was but he’s not admitting it, should know that Aaron can read him too well. “He had to work.”

“I meant what I said, I’m happy for you.” Whatever this is that he’s feeling, he is happy for Aaron, but as much as Aaron can read him, he’s almost as good at knowing when something’s wrong. “What is it?”

“It’s...this isn’t a conversation I...” His knee is bouncing up and down and it’s everything he has not to reach out and press his hand on his to stop him, “He wants to get married.”