#ChaseWithin

[mrneglesworth]

[mrneglesworth]

God has bigger plans and I know this path of our mental facilities is so high of importance. I see that with the vulnerability created by sharing our own stories, we open the door for another to step through and receive healing through the washing of exposing our pain instead of hiding it within us.

[mrneglesworth]

I’ve been given the words I never had before to express what my reality is like. After reading this article I felt as if I had an better understanding of what I go through moment to moment. The part about thinking of five things at once and how it is like having five people try to talk to you at once was like a gut punch to me. 

I have to wear a watch because my phone is to far away for me to stay on time. I rely on alarms for things people just do. I have notes for notes. On top of this i am horrible at organizing and planning. I try no doubt, but usually can’t figure out what to do now as opposed to way down the line. My order of operations is a scattered mess at best. I very much can start with tasks in a place that wouldn’t be the “beginning” only ending up wasting time. 

I bring up the condition I live with, because I want to be a light that shines on the reality of stigma within the mental health conversation. It’s covered up with a blanket with a big ole smiley face on it. The truth is that not getting help, not talking about what pains us, it only destroys lives, marriages, leaves us unfulfilled and unhappy when if we all reach out, we can do so much good in the world by removing this band aid and let this infection heal. Help me shine bright and bring your story to the table, share your truth’s, get vulnerable, and let’s all begin to heal.  

[mrneglesworth]

(Doing the right thing is always the right thing)-

Why? What is gained from “doing the right thing”? What goes around comes around! Good things tend to happen to an individual the more good things they do. When we do nice things for others, it typically leads to them wanting to do something nice in return. You feel good from doing the nice gesture and then you feel good again if the person does something nice for you in return. However, you don’t need to expect or even need the nice gesture in return because it makes you feel good in the first place.

Someone can begin to trust in a person who does the right thing consistently. Being a trustworthy person generally will be helpful throughout life as opposed to the opposite. People will be more likely to offer help, lend a hand, and in general reciprocate the ability to be trusted. It isn’t about getting one up on a person or having something to hold over their heads. It takes a village to evolve and expand as a society though and more is accomplished when multiple sets of hands are available. Humans seek the company of others in most cases and certainly there are the occasional outliers, but more times than not, we desire the company and companionship of others. We are safer in numbers and stronger when we combine our strengths as well.

So going back to the beginning of why doing the right thing is always the right thing, it can be viewed as selfish by what can be gained from doing it, or it can be seen as a necessity to ensure long term growth and safety of civilization.

[mrneglesworth]

I know you’re struggling. I hear the pain in your silence. You’re not alone and it will be worth it to carry on. A new day brings new opportunities and new perspective and strength. So take your time and heal, but when you’re ready go ahead and get back up. We’ll be waiting for you!

[mrneglesworth]

What’s the source of your never ending light? When all the cruel darkness that can consume us closes in ,what showers you with the protection of love? Can you draw strength from this source of light? My strength is backed by faith in the savior of humanity.

[mrneglesworth]

(Filling Your Cup)-

Filling Your Time With What Makes You Happy

Are you content being alone? Can you entertain yourself? What do you enjoy doing? What thing can you do that makes you as happy doing it the 10,000th time versus the first time? I personally don’t know at all,but I have dabbled with several things that do make me happy. Reading, writing, playing the bass guitar, going to antique stores and garage sales, painting, drawing, and coloring, cooking, cycling, running, playing baseball and pitching specifically, having a partner,having a family, playing with animals,yo-yoing, having companion animals, swimming, kayaking, walking, talking to most people of interest and the older you are, generally, the more interested I am in talking with you.

I don’t know what thing I can do yet in life to “pay my bills” and be my own boss, but I know that besides my time taken up for work, I do a pretty good job of entertaining myself. I gain the most happiness from personal connections with others though. I don’t simply want to know the surface of your life though. Truly connecting with someone else, for me, comes from introducing empathy into the narrative. I need to know the good, bad, and ugly so I see through the fake smiles that go on for the world to see. Everyone that lives long enough has a story all unique to their own and being able to relate within the safe space created by being vulnerable causes the intertwining of human souls and that is what I #ChaseWithin to experience. This is a magical experience and uplifts the downdess of spirits. So let’s do it...let’s connect and share and uplift and brighten the world just a little bit more!

[mrneglesworth]

The Tree will Break Through I couldn’t help but take notice of a tree growing out of the side of the cliff along the creek and it ignited a spark within me. It was jutting out of the sheer vertical wall of rock that made up the side of a small hill. The connection that I envisioned streamed into my consciousness like downloading a program to the hard drive, a imperceptible amount of time that contains millennia of truth. It was a representation of any life that is birthed from adversity and overcoming the drudgery that is contained within a limited perspective. 

Speaking to the moment gave me the patience to sit with the feeling and alter my own perspective. My consciousness swept the fear aside that comes with leaning over a sheer drop. Forcing the body to defy the mind and perhaps enduring the emotional pain of ignorance to gain the understanding, the viewpoint to be engulfed with nature’s beauty. Not looking down or up , not sitting frozen in angst, but stepping into the security of faith. The bird does not fear the height at which it sores. It does not know the physics of what it does. The bird steps into its own instinct and acts on what it knows.

The rock broke and split under the force of the soft tree shoot, allowing it to burst through searching for light. Sometimes the strength to break through the most resilient barrier to growth comes from something soft like the heart. The water flowing in the creek shaped the hard rock,  yet the water takes the shape of what it’s confined by. Is the life that inspires arrive from a leisurely stroll or from an odyssey? Does the inspiration to sustain the effort needed to live a life of purpose hit you like toothpaste from the tube or a flash flood ripping through a valley? Where will your mind settle when the cinders of humanity cease? The story isn’t over yet!

[mrneglesworth]

The sun seems to be rising again today. There has never been a more present moment of time than now. I am at the furthest point in history, with the other seven billion people, on Earth. That is a crazy concept for me to think about. Things you can read about from our past, people, events, natural phenomenon, but they already happened. Just as I have had past moments in my own life, those “things” have come and gone, people have died who once were living. Buildings that were admired and were filled have been crumbled down to the fine sand particles they were made from.  The present moment is a transitionary period from the close past to the near future. It is where our actions and behavior take place along with where memories are cherished and made. Your body cannot leave the constant present moment. Your mind can. Where can we go mentally when we separate the mind and body? Drawing from past experiences and memories can awaken and insight fight or flight. Subconscious behavior is a bitch. How much of our inner distress is the result of living a life we don’t intrinsically agree or believe in due to accepting the given “normal” narrative from society without any soul-searching? Society, societal norms, societal expectations, social contracts, subconscious behavior, stealing from living fully in the present moment. Distractions designed to kill the spirit. Success is not a place we arrive , a moment within our lives. We don’t have either or within the moments that make up our life. They are learning points to grow from that transition us into our next present moment. Life, success, joy, happiness, peace, these are a state of mind. They are not things to go pick up at the store and put in our back pocket or in a vault to go use when we need them. These mental states can positively guide behavior. It is very typical to experience fear when stepping into something you’re truly interested and passionate about. The fear stems from your vulnerability within taking a risk and exposing yourself, atleast to yourself. Do the distractions that we conjure up in our minds as an avoidance technique to living our purpose work?  Stepping into the vulnerability of being judged and failing, accepting we may have a long way to go to be good or an expert at the thing we apparently love, being ok with who we are, these spark a bit of fear within us, but this is a good thing. Being apathetic towards a goal or desire shows a lack of interest, a lack of passion, and therefore will not foster the best version of you that is held within. Even when we are “all good” and life is ok, I will presume most people would still feel they can be “better” or better their life. What is required to make this a reality? Change. What type of change specifically? New beliefs change lives and will require changed behavior as evidence to instill them at your core. Seeking new experiences are the stepping stones to a changed life. Understanding the steps to become an athlete or a teacher or an author or engineer, or scientists, or cop, or spouse, or parent. Then seeking out the experiences required to make these desires a reality. We will most likely not be successful in our first attempts at whatever we try, but that is ok and isn’t a deterrent, but a learning moment.

[mrneglesworth]

Chase Within

Happiness First

Helping People Help Themselves

I have always tried to place a lot of focus on my own personal mind. My intentions and reality haven’t always matched up very well. I have learned that is ok. My thinking noodle, my brain, my mind. My feelings and emotions. The balance of emotions and thoughts and actions make up my well-being. I try to be purposeful with my actions based on the thought/emotion balance. My actions, however, haven’t always matched my reality. 

I have ADHD. I also have blue eyes and all ten toes. My left pinky toe is a hammer toe though. I don’t know if it’s the end of the chain or beginning of my tight neck, shoulders, and back. But my ADHD, it’s a lot like my back  pain. You can’t see it, but it plays a large role in my life. It is a constant driving force for my behavior and emotions. I am 33 years old and was diagnosed in 2020 with ADHD. Before that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder type two in 2019, which is a very common occurrence. I took a mood stabilizer, an anti-depressant, and eventually a sleeping pill due to these wrong medications messing me up more than I already was. 

I eventually changed therapists and she helped quickly get to the bottom of my situation. I stopped taking the BP medications and started out just trying new behavior modifications and grounding techniques, my regular therapy, more exercise, more water. But ADHD was still in control of the steering wheel of my life. I was afraid to try the traditional stimulant meds most commonly prescribed for ADHD. I have had pretty severe back pain since an 8th grade trampoline accident that I never sought true help for. I have always been afraid of ever trying traditionally abused pills and harder drugs.  I just started smoking pot at the same time as this accident and it helped unknowingly with my ADHD symptoms and back pain simultaneously. Pot helped in the same way that someone who needs glasses and has them, but they just aren’t the correct prescription. My reality was still foggy due to the internal chatter of the ADHD symptoms I experience. 

ex: All of my education was a struggle. from kindergarten until I dropped out of college. The amount of energy required for me to be a C student is more than it should take. More than for most people. And when I became overwhelmed with this reality I would do a few things to “help” . Sleep, smoke, or do things that were risky. Skateboard and try things that were way above my level resulting in me usually getting hurt, For sleep, it didn’t matter if I was at home, a friends, or in school. Some how I managed to get by with most of my teachers not bothering me on my bad days and allowed me to just put my head down all through class. I also had very long hair that was usually in my face regardless so I could be sitting up and half asleep, too. I smoked pot before school, a lot of times during school, on my way home from school, and up until I went to sleep. 

I don’t become angry when I realize how different my life could have been if i had been diagnosed much earlier in life, and that would have probably been great I’m sure. But despite my hardships and “lost” time, I wouldn’t change it now even if I could. You see, I don’t enjoy solitude naturally. I love people and all that life has to offer. IF I had received that early diagnoses as a kid and finished school well, and graduated college I wouldn’t have this passion to want to help other people who struggle alone like I did my whole life. You may see my life from an outsiders point of view and it may not seem that bad. And it’s not. I love my life. But here’s the key ingredient. Potential. I’ve been operating at 50% or 60%  of my potential. 

Three days ago I gave up the fears and spoke with my therapist and have started taking Adderall. From day one of starting that medication, I have been steadily feeling like I am gaining back that lost potential. My mind is starting to do what I ask of it. My emotions are becoming regulated and significantly less overwhelming and downright enjoyable. I’m not being triggered from over stimulus into near panic attacks. I am recognizing shifts in my emotions and able to pause and see where the change came from to check it’s validity or not. If I choose to sit with an emotion now, it is because I decided to, not because my body is out of control. 

From here I can only go up and I hope to bring as many of you with me. This story isn’t over, come on back now!

Side note: ADHD is genetic and a person is born with it. It is a neurodevelopmental disorder of our brains. We lack the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and dopamine. Boys and girls can have it and it doesn’t look the same in every person. So don’t neglect the signs if your kid is struggling. And many many adults are walking around with ADHD unknowingly just barley surviving. Reach out, you just may help someone out of the gutter

[mrneglesworth]

(Change Me)-

God don’t change my circumstances, change me to handle my circumstances. 

At 32 years old I have come to accept I kinda suck at certain things. I can do the right thing most of the time, I think. If it affects someone else I am more likely to do what I should. When it comes to myself, I am less responsible. I recognize moments in my life where I have a decision to make and for whatever reason, some I know and am aware of and some I am not, I don’t  choose what will help me towards my goals, and towards being a better person. 

So this is how I see it. I like to refer to God as the Creator. It’s just what I feel most comfortable with and what makes sense to me. God can be a symbol like a bridge that you cross to go to the “good” side. Whatever makes sense in your brain is fine by me, I just see this world from a perspective where I feel most content and life makes most sense to me through the eyes of God.

In my human form, I need God and the guidance His story gives. If for nothing else than a symbol, Jesus provides all I need to get me through in life. It won't necessarily be in a way where everything is just plopped right in front of your lap, but sometimes that is just what He does. And that is just from the symbol, what He does in the story, The example He provides, that is where I draw my courage, humility, and knowledge from. I can’t look at myself and say, “Ok Chase, What should we do here?” Sometimes I can answer that question correctly, but more times than not I need the direction and foresight from another source of wisdom. And I will always look to God as I understand Him for this wisdom first. 

God may very well be a black woman or an elf or opossum, but , all I know is that  if the concept of what Jesus is and did, how Jesus is the Creator, that He humbled Himself to not just human form, but to be a servant to show true humility, to show what being Christ like is all about, It’s these things that help me through the dark moments in life that my human brain doesn’t understand. It helps me do the right thing when otherwise I wouldn’t have, and I’m perfectly content with that. 

What’s my point? I need help. I can’t do life on my own. Reliance upon the love and knowledge of God are where I draw my strength from. No darkness is too dark, no enemy too strong, no fear too paralyzing  for the power of Jesus. And this is just how it most makes sense to me. I don’t dictate the universe or mine or your thoughts and feelings. I just have to be able to go to sleep at the end of each day and my eyes are open enough to the world to need to wonder and search. Maybe someday the Creator will be revealed to us all and everything will make sense. But until then, my mind searches for the words to explain my reality and I find them within the story of Christ. #WWJD

[mrneglesworth]

(Purpose)-

“The grand necessity, then, for our bodies, is to keep warm, to keep the vital heat in us.”-Henry David Thoreau

What is this heat? What is this energy? The desire to connect to others. Love manifested into its own being. The creator knew the joy of shared mutual love through connections and designed a way for the spirits to experience it too. 

*CONNECTIONS-

Our bodies need the soul to exist. The soul will exist regardless. The energy that makes you and I up is contained within the body. The energy will only move, not be destroyed, if it makes its way out of the body. It is but a transportation device that will travel through time. There must be something truly magical about this physical world that we are not grasping that makes it so desirable that the creator deemed it important enough to create. So then what becomes the purpose of this physical world gifted us? Connections that manifest with a physical aspect that the spiritual world must not be capable of. Holding a tangible body of someone you love in your arms truly is hard to match for experiences that fill your cup.    

How can we utilize this energy contained within us for good? If time is one of the most valuable facets to our existence, then how can we ensure we don’t waste any of it? What can be done?

What becomes a passion soon becomes a purpose. Does anything stir an emotion within you so greatly that it becomes the fuel for your internal combustion propelling your existence? In modern times we have come accustomed to using alarm clocks to meet each new day. Finding the purpose for your life allows you to beat that alarm clock each morning by being woken up by the fire fueled from within. If humans had no special purpose beyond coexisting in unity with earth then we wouldn’t have the capacity to think beyond instinct.  Be more than average. Chase within and create a life of purpose and joy. Get vulnerable and connect with others through your passion and at the end of your life you will look back and be content.

The colorful box in the picture is a homemade utensil holder made by my best friend Nathan. It is out of his normal as far as art work he creates, but he faced the challenge with excitement and created a useful piece of art that my girlfriend and I will get to enjoy for a very long time. He has gone out on a limb and gone all in on himself. He creates unique art that captures the eyes and imagination and allows the viewer to wonder. Nathan has manifested a reality for himself where he can wake up each day and create what pops into his beautiful mind. That is passion, creativity, and wonder all balled up into a little package called happiness.Decide to sift out all things in your life that hold you back from choosing happiness first. Just begin to get honest about habits, relationships and friendships, hobbies, jobs, school, any commitment, one thing at a time, big or small, it doesn’t matter, just remove it as peacefully as you can and then take a step towards that happiness.

[mrneglesworth]

(Self Advocacy as A SuperPower- Ain't nobody coming to help you. Can’t you see? It’s ok if you don’t, I certainly didn’t. The people who love you the most will watch you be a half version of your potential and stand silently by..Nobody will be at your side for every decision you make to ensure you're being 100. Nobody but you. And that’s the assumption you can and should make and let me tell you why. It’s your own well being and your own time. Your happiness and experience, not someone else's. Time is the most valuable resource we have. We can’t get it back and we only have so much of it to begin with. The clock is running down, not up, once it begins. So we must not waste time when things can be better. Becoming one’s own self-advocate has to be a priority. Having the goal of being the best version of yourself with the waking of each morning sets precedence for becoming your number one advocate. As children, we rely on our parents to fend for us and do what’s best for us. As an adult, you can’t rely on anyone else but yourself. Only a very fortunate few in the world have someone willing and able to take care of all their needs. As an adult, it doesn’t feel good to rely on others for your basic needs. Being self-sufficient should be our minimum level of functioning as adults. Special circumstances certainly call for special measures, but i am speaking on behalf of most people. Otherwise when we leave it up to others to do what’s best for us and in our best interest, they may get it wrong. And when you have the power to still make the decision, but someone else messes up “your” situation, it’s still on you. Plus others don’t know all your thoughts and feelings and can say what will make you the happiest, most fulfilled, and content with life. So when it comes to you and your life don’t be afraid and do what’s best for you. Nobody else will get the real gift of you in their life if you're not 100. So sift out all the negative in your life and learn to be comfortable alone while not being lonely. Begin to build yourself up and to let your mind grow. Be the potential that you were destined to be. ##HappinessFirst #ChaseWithin #HelpingPeopleHelpThemselves https://www.instagram.com/p/CJZ3wpElAxkRAsfumefjxIEjeTycRvq0R8hiJQ0/?igshid=twmssushvbr8

[mrneglesworth]

What To Look Forward To In 2021-  Facing death face to face and walking away from the experience can  ignite a deeply rooted appreciation for the miracle of life. Running the year I survived a suicide attempt consecitevely into the year of an epidemic that has killed, as of writing this, 1.7 million people doesn’t make me sad. I am truly grateful for all that I have. When I wake up every day I now try to live as if it is truly all I have. I look forward to living this way for the rest of my life no matter how good it ever seems. I don’t want to look past the sheer thought of anything more every morning when my eyes open then how grateful I am to get another chance to be the best version of myself again, to live with passion and gratitude and empathy and above all else, love wrapped up into a powerful little ball of energy that is sourced from the creator Himself. I simply want to live in a way that reflects this gratitude and happiness I feel inside.

[mrneglesworth]

Children are Victims of Circumstance-I have always felt conflicted with the knot in my stomach that happens when my heart,gut,mind, and my actions don’t align. Witnessing traumatic events repeatedly for over a decade has an impact that is life altering.  I don’t say this as an excuse, I just mean I never learned appropriate coping mechanisms to deal with the stresses of daily life. So what were these negative coping mechanisms you ask? I became very good at dissociating from my present reality at about the age of five. I was fasicnated with the street light outside my bedroom window. I would stare into it to silence out the raging battle happening just in the other room and it would help carry me off to whatever imaginary fortress I could dream of. Imagine some shit is going down, and you want to go help the victim, to yell at the oppressor, to scream back, to do anything, only to understand there was nothing you could do. So the only tool I was left with to protect myself with was to mentally run away. This is a wonderful coping mechanism for a child, but as an adult it is not so useful. Unless you're being tortured and then dissociating would be helpful. Whenever I would experience stress of any kind, it didn't matter how small or great, I would mentally disappear, and not even realize I was doing it.  Another successful coping mechanism I acquired was simply to apply the knowledge that if I remained quiet,went unnoticed, didn’t make a fuss, and most importantly,  kept the peace in stressful situations then I remained safe. Nobody got mad and yelled at me, had expectations of me, and this, I learned, kept me alive, safe, and out of trouble.

[mrneglesworth]

(Motivation)- Be truthful with yourself. Why?- What holds you back from being the extraordinary creature you already are? What keeps you from screaming out loud and throwing your beauty at the world? How come? Does your culture’s expectations and normalcy place an unwarranted fear of failure and not fitting in if you step outside the box and let your true colors shine? Does the anxiety come from a little closer to home, like from parents, family,friends? Are you allowing the opinions of others to dictate your life? Howcome? Traditions, bad parenting, trauma? Dig deeper if you don’t know and on the other side of this fear is happiness. Chase within, look at the fear and stop attaching to it. Just see it and back track to its origin. You will find the fear is not yours to hold onto. The pain is not yours to hold onto. The unknowns do not serve you. See the dream and manifest it into your reality. With each hurdle take pause and tackle it with everything else set to the side for the moment. Where?- Are you in a location where you can make your dreams become reality? Is your home a place you can call home? Does it bring you an uplifting feeling or does it depress you? Do you live with others and if so, do they continually help the vibe be positive and optimistic? You must sift out all things in your life that do not help uplift you some how. If it is a person that is important to you, this doesn’t mean getting rid of them all together. Just go from talking to them every day to once a month. Replace them ,A.k.A. your time, with someone new or a new hobby that helps motivate you. My motivation is driven by the simple fact I’m still breathing. I have had a few instances where I came very close to committing suicide, but something has snapped me back each time to want to continue on living. I just didn’t know why yet. I gave myself a second chance and I know now that each and every day when I wake up I get to try at least one more time to give it my all. It doesn’t matter if it’s a Tuesday, Saturday, my birthday, a rainy day, any day and every day is the right type of day to honor this second chance and give it my all. So lets join together and keep on keeping on, finding our why, keeping our eye on the light, even in the darkness. The light , our why is our happiness. Put it first, and chase within. Photo credit:Bart Hrvatin