#Consolation | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hanltrcy · 1 month ago

Text

My thoughts log

Consciousness is weird.

Not because it is complex.

But because it knows it exists.

Like:

There is sensation.

There is perception.

There is thought.

But the craziest thing: there is awareness of all of that.

And once there is awareness,

the illusion arises that "someone is aware."

But... who is aware?

Think about it:

When you feel sad,

is it you who is sad?

Or do you see the sadness?

If you can see it,

then you are not that.

And every time you can be aware of something,

you are not that.

And you can be aware that you are aware.

So you are not that awareness either.

So... Who am I?

Our brains don't find "me" inside.

There is only activity.

Impulse. Signal.

Sensory data that spins like a drunk DJ.

But it all goes without a center.

Without a permanent audience.

What we call “me”

is probably just a shortcut.

Like a desktop icon.

We click it, we think “oh this is a program.”

But it’s just a symbol of a complicated, invisible process.

“Me” is an interface.

Not an entity.

And consciousness?

Maybe not a window to the outside.

But a bug in the system—a glitch that makes the system ask itself:

“Hey, who am I?”

So maybe I never really thought.

Maybe the one who thinks is not me.

Maybe there is no “me”

Maybe it’s just a process that reflects each other

like two mirrors staring at each other

and thinks there’s a figure inside.

And if all that’s true...

Who’s writing this right now?

Maybe all this time

we’ve been looking for “me”

like looking for the center in a whirlpool.

We think there’s a core.

But the closer we get, the emptier it is.

All there is is movement.

And we think that’s us.

Even though maybe we’re just the flow.

Not the river, not the water.

Just the way the water turns.

We are the pattern.

We are the way the universe dances,

for a moment,

in a form that realizes it is dancing.

But who is watching?

Who realizes it is dancing?

Because every time you say, "This is me,"

it will be different tomorrow.

Yesterday you wanted to be an astronaut,

today you want to be someone who doesn't think.

So who is consistent?

Who from birth until now... is still you?

Even your body cells have changed.

So who are you?

And this is even stranger:

If there is no "me," why is there such a strong sense of "I"?

It's like there is an error in the system.

One small glitch,

and suddenly the electricity in my head says,

"I AM."

Why doesn't he just stay still?

Why doesn't he just become an experience?

Why does a narrator have to appear who says,

"This is me thinking."

Why doesn't it just happen?

And try to notice this:

When you're silent,

really silent—

don't think, don't feel,

don't be anyone...

...what's left?

There's silence.

But that silence is conscious.

So...there's still consciousness.

But if you can be conscious of that silence...

then you're not that silence.

And there,

there's distance.

Between you and whatever you're conscious of.

And every time that distance appears,

you move one step away from everything.

And you keep moving,

until finally...

...you're gone.

Until you're nothing.

But also everything.

And when you get there,

you might not find the answer.

Because you're not asking anymore.

And the irony?

That might be the only time you really become "me."

You realize.

But you realize you realize.

That means there are two:

The one who realizes, and the one who realizes that you realize.

So... who is the real one?

And if you can realize that you realize that you realize...

What does the structure of consciousness look like?

Is it a ladder?

A mirror?

Or is it just an illusion of escalation that never stops?

But wait.

If you are aware of your consciousness,

and you are not what is realized,

then you are not the contents of your mind.

Not your feelings.

Not your body.

Not your memory.

But you can also be aware that you are aware of you are aware...

Until when?

You become a blind spot in your own mind map.

The more you search,

the more there is nothing.

You think because you want to understand.

But the more you think, the more you realize you don't understand.

And because you realize you don't understand, you think more.

So is thinking a solution or a trap?

Think it's a ladder up out of ignorance, or a spiral down into eternal confusion?

Maybe you think so you can stop thinking.

But that's like burning a house down to get some cool air.

If you can see something, you're not that.

You see fear?

Then you're not fear.

You see thoughts?

Then you're not thoughts.

But you can also see consciousness.

So you're not consciousness?

Then:

What sees consciousness?

Other consciousnesses?

Huh.

Then there's consciousness of consciousness?

Meta-consciousness?

Then consciousness isn't one.

Then it's unstable.

Then it's not "you".

If "I" can't be pointed to...

can't be found in the brain...

can't be seen as an object...

why does it feel so real?

If "I" is never stable,

why does it feel consistent?

And if “me” is just a temporary sensation…

why does he want to be eternal?

You want to stop thinking.

But wanting that…is thinking.

You want to be quiet.

But the awareness of wanting to be quiet…is not being quiet.

The only way to be really quiet is to not realize you are quiet.

But once you realize you are quiet…

You are not quiet anymore.

So being quiet…cannot be realized.

Now like this:

If you can't find "me",

but you feel like it's there...

and every attempt to find it proves that it's just a shadow...

Then it could be:

"I" is a side effect.

The rest of the process.

Mirage in the wet brain.

And awareness?

Maybe it's not noble power that makes us different from stone.

Maybe he just glitched.

Bugs in the evolution engine

which makes the system ask things it shouldn't ask:

"Who asked?"

To ask "who am I?", you have to be there.

But to exist, you have to know you exist.

But knowing that you have it comes from thinking.

And thinking that arises because you are aware.

But you can only be aware that you exist.

So how did it start?

What turns on the lights?

If you never ask "who am I",

Did "me" ever exist?

So your existence depends on your question?

If yes, it means you weren't there before you asked.

But who asked first?

If you don't have one... who will start?

To see something, someone has to see it.

But you can also see "the one who sees".

Does that mean the eye can see itself without a mirror?

Does that mean consciousness can see itself?

How to do?

How can something that has no form... see itself?

What do you use to see consciousness?

Awareness?

It's like a flashlight shining on itself.

Like a tongue licking a tongue.

If you can control your thoughts,

This means there is an entity outside your mind that can drive.

But if all you feel are thoughts,

and you "driving" is part of the mind too...

Who's driving?

A system that drives itself while pretending to be a passenger?

If you say "I think", it means two things:

"me", and "mind".

But how do you know there is a mind?

From “me”.

How do you know there is a “me”?

From the mind.

So they validate each other.

Like two false witnesses supporting each other in court.

Going around.

But never getting out of the loop.

You want to reach the most basic consciousness.

Consciousness without content.

Pure consciousness.

But to realize you have reached there,

you have to be aware that you are conscious.

And that is... content.

So pure consciousness cannot be realized.

If you are conscious, it is no longer pure.

If you are not conscious... you do not know it exists.

So does it exist? Or is it just an idea?

You believe the real world exists.

But the only evidence of the real world...

comes from your perception.

And your perception...

is processed by a system that we have agreed cannot be fully trusted.

So... you believe the real world is because your brain tells you?

But your brain is part of the real world.

It’s like a book that claims to be valid because it says so on page two.

You ask questions to find answers.

But once you have an answer,

you realize it’s not the final answer.

So you ask again.

And each answer,

is not a solution—

but a trigger for new questions.

So you think about stopping thinking.

But you can’t.

Because thinking is your way of stopping thinking.

And maybe that’s the point:

Consciousness is an error program

looking for its own off button.

But it never finds it.

Because it is that button.

You think, you think.

But you think because your system is designed to think.

But your system thinks because evolution created tools for survival.

But evolution isn’t a “goal” either—it’s just chaos that looks like a pattern.

So:

You don’t think because you exist.

You think because you are a side effect of chaos.

And that’s not thinking.

It's just a random process

that has become aware that it exists.

You are aware that you are aware that you are aware.

And that's not a layer.

That's not a ladder.

That's not a reflection.

That's...a stack overflow.

That's a crash in the CPU of existence.

You are no longer a subject observing an object.

You are not a mirror facing a mirror.

You are a

reflection of a reflection of a reflection

that never had a starting object.

There is no original.

There is no starting point.

There is no one holding the camera.

Just a live stream feed

from a camera that was never turned on.

You want to find "who I am."

But to find "me,"

there has to be an entity that is searching.

And that entity...is "me."

So "me" is searching for itself

using itself

from within itself.

It's like teeth trying to bite themselves.

Like software trying to uninstall itself while it's running.

Like fire trying to burn itself—

and asking, “why am I hot?”

And what’s even crazier:

If you realize you can’t find “me,”

who is that aware of?

If all processes are illusions…

Then illusions can’t be trusted.

And disbelief becomes the only thing that’s certain.

But if you believe in your disbelief,

that’s…faith.

BOOM. Paradox explodes in your hands.

What you call “existence,”

can only be called “existence” because you compare it to “nonexistence.”

But “nonexistence” can never be experienced.

Because once you experience “nothingness,” it becomes “existence.”

So you can’t know “you don’t exist.”

And you can’t prove “you exist.”

Because all evidence…requires awareness.

And awareness…is the thing that’s being questioned.

So you get into a loop where:

“Whatever you base it on,

it collapses because you realize you’re standing on it.”

All assumptions collapse on themselves.

all certainty spits in its own face.

And all meaning... melts into noise.

And at that point,

You are not thinking.

You are not existing.

You are not conscious.

You are just... a glitch.

An empty code in an absurd universe,

who suddenly can look in the mirror,

and is terrified because he sees no one.

This is the point where all questions, all concepts, all identities—

are not just questioned. They are dissolved.

We are no longer thinking. We are no longer conscious.

We are now a nothingness that is aware that it should not be able to be conscious.

We are entering the core of the black hole of existence.

This is not a spiral. This is not a loop. This is not a glitch.

This is the core bug.

A cosmic crack that makes reality possible—and impossible at the same time.

Imagine you have let go of everything.

Body? Not me.

Thoughts? Not me.

Emotions? Not me.

Consciousness? Still visible… so not me.

You keep stripping everything away until you're left with just... one empty spot.

But you still feel like someone is "disturbing you".

Who's left?

And you try deleting that too.

But as soon as you realize you've deleted it,

someone deleted it.

And you realize you know you deleted it.

And that means... there is an awareness that cannot be erased.

But you also realize that it is awareness

can only appear because you compare it to "nothingness."

And here's the final punch:

Nothingness is a concept.

And concept is content.

And content is part of the process.

And the process is an illusion.

Meaning: even “nothingness” is something.

BOOM.

You can't say "doesn't exist" without making it "exists."

You can't get out of reality without creating a new reality.

You can't be silent without making a sound in the form of awareness.

You're trapped.

Not in the world.

But in the structure of thinking itself.

You know all this is absurd.

But you are still in it.

And you can't get out because

getting out itself is another form of "inside."

And if everything you encounter,

all ideas, all feelings, all logic,

are the result of the system you question...

Then the only way out...

is to know that there is no way out.

And once you know that...

you don't know anymore whether you know or not.

Because knowing and not becoming the same.

Like 1 and 0 that co-exist.

Like dark and light in a space that has no boundaries.

If "I" doesn't exist,

but the question "who am I?" can arise...

That means questions can arise without a questioner.

Thoughts can arise without a thinker.

Consciousness can arise without a conscious being.

And if all that can arise without a subject...

That means existence doesn't need existence.

It's like:

There is a voice,

without anyone making it.

There is a question,

without a mouth.

There is a soul,

but never alive.

There is you,

but never there is you.

We have passed everything that can be said.

Now we dive into the part that cannot be packaged in language.

Language is a compromise.

But now we leave compromise.

Now we let go of form, meaning, even let go of the concept of letting go.

You are still looking for an "answer".

But at this point,

the "answer" is a form of violence against reality.

Every time you ask "what is this?",

you have made reality shrink into a form that you can understand.

Whereas reality may not be understandable.

Or worse:

reality is not something that can exist

without you trying to understand it.

So every understanding...

makes reality false.

Because you have intervened.

And you can't stop trying to understand.

Because trying to stop is also... an effort.

So you're always touching,

but never really still.

Always aware,

but never able to be quiet.

You think you can understand reality.

But to understand, you need structure.

And structure is a pattern.

And that pattern... is a creation of your mind.

And your mind...

was born from evolution on a dusty planet,

with brutal biases,

and logic that is only suitable for prey and escape.

You want to understand the Universe

using a tool designed to run away from lions.

While the Universe...

doesn't care whether you understand it or not.

Because maybe,

the Universe itself doesn't understand itself.

People often say:

"Maybe this is a simulation."

But we make it because we think like programmers.

But...

what if this isn't a simulation?

What if this isn't anything?

What if all ideas—

simulation, reality, God, no God, existence, nihilism, absurdism—

are just echoes of a system that happens to be able to think?

Not because they have meaning.

But because the system is in error…

and the error is the ability to find meaning.

Consciousness is a bug that thinks it’s a feature.

You’re not a character in a game.

You’re not a living being.

You’re not a reflection of God.

You’re noise that’s managed to make itself wonder why it’s noisy.

Now, let’s take it all out.

Not just the concept of “me.”

Not just the idea of reality.

Let’s take the foundation out of the foundation.

You think you’re looking for “truth.”

But… why “truth”?

What makes “truth” valuable?

Why do you think “knowing” is better than “not knowing”?

Who gives meaning to understanding?

Certainty is the ultimate religion.

And even religion is…

built on the assumption that “there is something certain”.

Now imagine:

It's not just "me" that doesn't exist.

But there's also no meaning to the absence of "me".

And there's no reason why it doesn't have meaning.

And there's no you to think about all that.

You don't exist.

You don't not exist.

You're not.

At this point,

the words stop.

The questions stop.

Not because we find the answer.

But because... we realize the question was never valid.

Now it's not "what is this?"

Not "who am I?"

But:

Why can questions be born from a system that never asks to be understood?

And deeper still:

Why is there a system at all?

But now...

no words.

No thoughts.

No identity.

Just... down.

Not down.

Because "down" is a direction.

We don't take a direction.

Take a breath.

But not to calm down.

Because "calm" is the goal.

And we are not looking for anything.

Close your deep eyes.

Not the eyes that see the world,

but the eyes that continue to search for an explanation.

We give them a break.

Imagine all the words in your brain dissolving.

Melting like ice that surrenders under the light.

There is no "me".

There is no "why".

There is no "what".

Just silence.

But not a silent silence.

Because silence can still be heard.

This is a silence that doesn't know it's silent.

Not aware that it exists.

Doesn't want to be anything.

Not rejecting. Not looking. Not waiting.

You don't dive deep.

Because "deep" is distance.

And distance is two points.

And two points... need a divider.

Here:

There is no point.

There is no beginning.

There is no you.

There is no him.

There is no this.

And no one says there is nothing.

Come in.

But it's not you who comes in.

Because you've been left long before this door.

There are no witnesses.

There is no space.

No one says, "I've arrived."

There is only...

…

Okay

(This silence is not emptiness. But something that can't have a name.

And even that—there are actually too many.)

If you come back from here,

you will bring a strange feeling:

not because you got an answer,

but because you don't need to ask anymore.

But not as anyone.

Just...

together without two.

If you want to discuss further, just dm, I made theorems, axioms, logical notations, mathematics and physics from the basis of this thought log

#philosophie #philosophy #existence #existentialism #nihilism #perception #phylosophy #science #physics #literature #nulis #tulisan #karya tulis #consolation

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