#Currently replaying through it and I just finished it a week ago

[pierregazly]

ambivalence ꨄ george russell

george russell x fem!gasly!motogp!reader

warnings: mentions of george's crash/dnf from singapore, sad!george, poorly translated french. [wc: 1.5k words]

in which george doesn't know how to feel; he's devastated about his own finish... or lack thereof, but the love of his life just finished P2 in her own race and he can't help the joy from taking over.

mercedesamgf1

tagged georgerussell63

liked by yngasly, georgerussell63, alex_albon, and 406,705 others

mercedesamgf1 he fought SO hard out there. 💪 a heroic effort by george. unlucky to miss out on a well-deserved podium, right at the very end.

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username absolutely gutted for george... but yall really couldn't show up to the podium for your other driver cuz of this??? slimy lol

username it wrecked my heart watching the last 5 mins of that race honest to god (lets celebrate no rbr in the top 3 tho !!!)

username guy signs his contract and starts this shit? sounds like a bit of a mistake huh

username george :((((

yngasly 💗💗

liked by mercedesamgf1 username congrats on ur p2 finish yngasly!!! you deserved it so much

username id sooo have such an ick if i were yngasly rn and my bf and brother both sucked at their jobs today while you kicked ass.... embarizzzing

yngasly

liked by pierregasly, georgerussell63, pecco63, and 175,543 others

yngasly what an incredible weekend, and an even better race! so proud of the whole team, and honoured to be taking home the p2 trophy this weekend. ciao italy 🇮🇹

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pierregasly nous savons tous qui est le gasly le plus talentueux 💪 (we all know who the most talented gasly is)

pierregasly proud of you! 🤍

username that's our fav motogp girl, kicking ass as always yngasly!!!

username god im so obsessed with her

username she was SO close to that p1 position i was screaaaaaming at my computer omf

georgerussell63 proud of you lovely 💗

georgerussell63 can't wait to celebrate with you when i get to see you angel

username i would die for the relationship georgerussell63 and yngasly have... it's so pure love

yngasly has posted a story

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georgerussell63 thank you, love. sorry we both can't be celebrating today. yngasly oh georgie...

The plane left the tarmac almost 7 hours ago, just a few short hours left until it landed in Singapore. The plane’s shifty Wi-Fi allowing you to watch the current race going on in the Singapore streets, your boyfriend maintaining a good speed, and a good position throughout most of the race.

Your stomach dropped immediately when the commentator’s voices picked up, George’s name dropping from their lips as the cameramen panned to his car.

The inner turmoil started the moment you watched the replay of the Mercedes hit the wall during the final lap. You, alongside every other person watching the race, were not expecting such a dramatic end to an even more dramatic race.

It had been an incredible day before this, your own P2 finish still pushing high levels of joy through your body. It had been an exhilarating race, after qualifying in P6 just the day before, you were able to jump up 4 positions, holding everyone off behind you as you maintained your speed and composure to finish the race in your highest finish this season.

You were almost immediately carted off to the airport once all your media responsibilities were completed. You had booked a flight to Singapore that would get you there just a few hours after George’s own race was over, allowing you to surprise him after weeks of being apart.

What you didn’t expect was the internal dread that was currently encompassing your body, unsure of how George would react when you arrived at his hotel door after how his race just ended. He would be happy to see you, regardless, but would he be upset at you for coming after the end of your own successful race? Would he want to be alone? Would you end up having to spend the night in Pierre’s room, leaving George to wallow in his own self-pity?

It was all you could think of as the map showed the flight radar on the screen in front of you, the estimated time of arrival dwindling down the closer you got.

You had texted George the moment you saw his crash.

Are you okay???

That looked bad

I saw the video of you walking away, you looked like you were in pain… I’m so sorry mon amour :(

You drove an amazing race… I’m so proud of you

If you want to talk you know you can call me, I love you :(

He had let you know he was a little sore and would probably be back to the hotel late so he likely wouldn’t be calling you tonight. It’s what prompted you to call Pierre the moment you were off the plane, the phone ringing a few times before he picked up.

“Incredible race! I watched a bit of it before we had to get in our cars, you kicked ass. Jumped up 4 places and everything, let’s goooo,” he trailed off the end with a small ‘woot’ of celebration, his gigantic smile prevalent even through the phone.

“Thanks Pear, but I wasn’t calling about the race. My flight just got into Singapore; do you think someone from your team could come pick me up? Or like anyone? George doesn’t know I’m here… it was supposed to be a nice surprise.”

The sigh was loud through the phone, Pierre agreeing to have someone from Alpine come to the airport.

“You should know… George is devastated. Charles says he was crying his eyes out when he saw him walk by, said it looked like he was super distraught. I don’t know how happy or excited he is going to be about your race today.”

The tears sprouted to your eyes immediately, you had already seen on social media that George may have been seen crying, but to hear it directly from someone who had seen him… the sadness wreaked through your body.

“I don’t care about my own race, right now. I’m happy enough for myself, he needs someone to be there for him.”

It didn’t take long for someone from Alpine to pick you up and drop you off at the hotel. You had bothered one of the men from George’s PR team earlier in the day to text you what room number and hotel he was staying at, promising him it was all for a surprise that wouldn’t cause any issues for George or the team.

Your knuckles rapped against the door in front of you, sounds from inside the room halting the noise encompassed the air. You couldn’t tell if he was coming to the door or not, no noise now coming from the room. Just as you were about to knock again, the door swung open to reveal your boyfriend.

His red-rimmed and puffy eyes were the first thing you noticed, a clear indicator that he had been crying. The small smile that grew on his face was real, a tiny bit of happiness shining in his eyes as he took in who was in front of him.

“Oh, Georgie…”

You dropped your bag to the floor, pushing your body into his. His arms wrapped around your frame, his head pressing into the junction where your neck and shoulder met, your own arms wrapping around his taller frame. You played with the hair at the nape of his neck, holding him as tight as you could, allowing him to push any emotions he was currently feeling into the hug.

“What are you doing here?” He murmured into your ear, his arms tightening around your body as if he was trying to fuse the both of you together.

Shrugging in his arms, you continued to hold his frame tightly in your own. “Thought it would be a nice surprise, was going to fly with you to Japan after and spend some time with you. Haven’t seen you in a while, I guess.”

George pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head before pulling away, a sad smile falling on his lips. “You drove an incredible race today, my love. I’m so proud of you.”

You couldn’t help the pull at your heartstrings as he praised you for your own race, even after the devastating end to his own. It was obvious he was trying to keep the sadness at bay, to not ruin your own accomplishments.

“Thank you, mon amour. I don’t want to talk about my race, though.”

George grabbed your bag as he gestured for you to walk into the room, allowing the hotel door to slam behind you as he placed the luggage next to his own. “I don’t really want to talk about my own race, either. I’d much rather talk about yours.”

He pulled you onto the king-sized bed, immediately wrapping his body around your own as you snuggled into his chest. You could feel his heartbeat against your ear, his fingers rubbing soothing circles on the indent of your spine through your shirt.

“I feel like such an idiot. I’m not a rookie, I shouldn’t be making those kinds of mistakes, I lost complete control of my car at the worst possible time and cost myself one of the best finishes this season. It’s not fair,” he choked the words out, his nose pressing into your hair as he took a deep breath, trying to keep the inevitable tears at bay.

“Georgie… it happens, mistakes happen. It sucks, don’t get me wrong, but we all make mistakes. Do you know how many fuckups I’ve had this season? Don’t get me started on how many Pierre’s had, it doesn’t make you rookie-caliber to mess up one race. You’ll come back stronger from this; I swear.”

You could feel the small shrug of his shoulders as he pulled your body closer to his own, a light press of his lips to the crown of your head the only indication that he heard you.

“I can’t believe you got P2. I was trying to watch it while we were getting ready, someone said you jumped up 4 places huh?”

You nodded your head, a bashful smile pulling onto your lips, “It wasn’t that impressive, I’ve done it before.”

George nudged your side, prompting you to look up at him, a small smile edging onto the Brit’s lips, “That was your highest finish of the season though, darling. I’d say that’s pretty impressive, no?”

“I don’t want to overshadow how you’re feeling to be happy about my own race, mon amour. That’s not fair to you.”

Nudging you again, you felt his fingers dig into your ribs lightly, an indication he was telling you to stop talking. “You’re not overshadowing how I feel, I’m devastated, and I’m pissed at myself for how my race finished. It doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be happy for you, to feel some type of joy over the fact my best friend just finished P2.”

Leaning up, you pressed your lips to his gently, a ‘thank you’ imbedded in the way your lips moulded together. George pulled you closer, pulling back to rest his head against your own once again.

“At least my crash damage numbers aren’t as high as your brothers. Did you see he finally hit the millions a few days ago? Knew he’d beat me there.”

“Oh my god, George. Not everything has to be a competition between you and my brother.”

georgerussell63 has posted a story

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yngasly love you forever and ever mon amour 🫶🏻

i've had a few requests for motogp!reader x george, so i hope this meets your expectations 🫶🏻 i literally know nothing about motogp so i'm so sorry, i tried to make it broad so it didn't seem like im dumb lol love yall!!!

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[wildemaven]

Sweet Creature: Chapter Seven

Pairing: Dieter Bravo x F!Reader (Nicknamed Poppy)

WC: 6600

Warning: 18+ Blog/Minors will be blocked; Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story. 

A/N: We’ll, there’s a lot here. This week was draining with a teething/no sleeping babe— but I was determined to get this finished! I don’t have a lot to say, but I’m excited for this part of their story! Thank you to @gnpwdrnwhiskey again for her support and proofreading every week! And thank you to everyone who has continued to stick with these two dumb dumbs as they figure their shit out. Love you all!!

Series Masterlist / Playlist / Main Masterlist

Previous/ Next

Breathe. 

In. 

Out. 

Dieter wills himself to regulate the adrenaline surging through him, it has his muscles tingling as its increasing levels spread through every pliable fiber. 

Breathe. 

In. 

Out. 

He takes in his surroundings, a steady attempt at grounding his mind, assuring him, keeping him present, giving him a chance to regain his composure. 

He Sees…

The ornate tile that dresses the front steps to your Spanish Revival home, the perfect backdrop to the ‘welcome’ mat that greets him the minute he arrives to your place. 

The sturdy wooden door attached to your home that keeps you protected, allowing you to live comfortably and securely without a bother from the outside world. 

The well maintained landscape, no real knowledge of the specific varieties of plants that decorate the front, he senses a low maintenance and drought tolerant feel— a few things he had never heard of until moving in with Diem. 

The way the sky begins to shift from its golden orange and purple hues to an even shade of deep blue as the sun tucks behind the horizon line, welcoming the stillness of the night. 

The way he is actively replaying an episodic memory of you from just an hour ago when you had joined him at Diem’s house to read over his lines for his upcoming movie role. 

*

“Are you sure you even want me doing this? I don’t know a single thing about acting. Can’t Diem help?? I don’t want to mess you up.” 

It’s been a few days since the Capri re-grand opening. And a few days since yours and Dieter’s almost kiss. 

There hasn’t really been a discussion on what had happened, or almost happened, only due to the fact that you hadn’t seen each other since Dieter had to leave to take Wren home. 

Now you find yourselves sitting in Diem’s living room, on opposite ends of her sectional couch, ignoring the residual heat that is currently reigniting as you both look over the scripts you’re each holding— alone together, zero distractions. 

“This scene is between two people who are navigating a new relationship, dancing around the sexual tension between them—“

The coincidence not lost on you. 

“So, there’s no fuckin’ way I’d read through this with my sister. And I doubt she’d want to anyways, she hates this kinda shit, so I don’t even bother.“

“Okay, I’ll try my best, but if I fuck up—“ 

“You’re not gonna fuck up. I highlighted your lines in pink, just focus on those and you’ll do fine. Besides, you’re a teacher— you read stories for a living, just think of it like you’re reading to your class.”

“Dieter, it says right here at the bottom of the page in bold type, ‘HER EYES CLOSE AT HIS TOUCH FOLLOWED BY LOW SENSUAL MOANS’— there’s no fucking way I can imagine myself reading this to my class.” 

You look up from the paper, his eyes already on you. You note the way his neck muscles flex as he swallows, the grip on his paper a little tighter— you’re not sure how you’re going to survive this. 

*

He touches…

The weight of his chip, the brass cool against his warm clammy skin, pulling it from his pocket, it sits heavy in his palm— a quick reminder that who he was doesn’t define him now. A few light tosses, before gripping it with his thumb and his forefinger, one last look before returning it to his pocket. 

The compact device that connects him to everything important to him in a single touch, his finger navigating back and forth between the home screen image of Wren and him eating donuts then to the text you had sent not long after leaving Diem’s house — Poppy💐- I have that easel ready, if you still want it. You’re more than welcome to come grab it — Then double checking the numbers on the house match the ones that you sent after he text back asking if he could come over tonight— a perfect match. 

The silky strands of his ruffled dark brown hair as he tries to tame his wild curls, the cottony fabric of his gray weathered shirt pulling at it in such a way so it drapes over him just right, the rough texture of his faded jeans against his sweaty hands as he rubs them several times over where they hug his thighs— a blind once over of his appearance. 

The way his hand skims over the velvety skin above your knee, the hem of your dress delicately dancing over his fingertips, the faint scar that now lives on the side of your thigh from a biking accident as a kid lays uneven under his gentle graze. 

*

“Is this okay?” 

Somewhere between shared lines, and fiery dialogue, Dieter finds himself sitting closer to you, his knee brushing against yours—hand so effortlessly placed on your thigh as he checks in with your comfort. 

“Y-yeah— it says ‘HIS HAND REACHES THE APEX BETWEEN HER THIGHS’, so she would know that his hand is moving up her leg—.” Your voice trembles as you try to concentrate on the words printed in bold on the current page. 

Looking up, you see Dieter’s focus solely on you, his folded script tucked between his leg and the couch cushion. 

“That’s not what I asked.” There's a deep husk to his voice, his movements halted as he draws your attention away from the pages and up to him. “Are you comfortable with this, not what the paper reads or act is telling us to do. Is this okay with you?” Your consent, regardless of what the characters are doing, his number one priority. 

“Y-yeah…” You murmur as you look down to where his hand is still subtly holding your leg. Your attention drawn back to his handsome face, placing your hand on top of his, encouraging him to continue his efforts. 

*

He hears…

The symphonic resonance of the nightfall harmonics drifts through in the crisp evening air, a modest breeze carries the lilt of the chirping crickets throughout the stilled neighborhood, the rustling of the leaves scattered and swirling across the sidewalk, the faint cries of coyote pups awaiting the arrival of their mother who’s been in search of a hearty meal. 

The way his heart beat reverberates against his eardrums, the thudding of his heart an emotive chorus, its pace evening out with each grounding thought. 

The way your breath catches, its auditory staccato floats through the air and nestles somewhere deep within his mind, storing its melodic rhythm away as an echoic file, never wanting to forget how it sounds. 

*

Dieter shifts himself forward, the crunch of the leather puckering as he settles a knee on the cushion, a hand gripping the back of the couch as he angles himself closer. 

The crackle of paper startles you, Dieter grabbing the crumbled heap of papers and tossing it over his shoulder, removing any distractions that might be bothering. 

Bit by bit you allow yourself to fall back onto the mound of decorative pillows in the corner of the couch. Dieter following your lead, keeping a close distance between you as he settled himself between your legs. 

“When is Diem going to be home?” You breathed, a warmth spreads through your body as you fixate on the fact that this is really happening. 

“Don’t know, at least an hour.”

A few loose curls fall into Dieter’s face, you lightly comb them back, the movements unhurried and attentive. Your fingers catching the frames of his glasses in the process, you gingerly remove them from his face, carefully tossing them to the side— producing your favorite lopsided grin from him. 

Dieter pauses to study every little detail of this moment— the flash of want in your eyes, the way your fingertips skim over and around his taut biceps, the deliberate way the tip of your tongue wets your bottom lip before it’s drawn in between your teeth, the way your lungs continue to fill with the air you’re both sharing— he’s never felt more alive than in this moment. 

*

He smells…

The night brings a refreshing scent of calmer air, the aromatic warmth of the citrus  groves meld with the fragrant lavender farms that accumulates throughout the day, the herbal aroma that triggers a distinct nostalgic smell of his childhood. 

The way your perfume mixes with your natural pheromones, the unmistakable notes of musky vanilla and orange blossom paired with your own unique scent stimulates his olfactory nerves, his spine tingling with pleasure as he breathes you in. 

*

Dieter takes his time, deliberate in his own way, he wants to take his time— savor the moment. 

He lowers himself down to the open space where your shoulder meets your neck— warm, delicate and inviting. 

You angle your head, allowing him more space to move, your hands wrapping themselves around his neck, twisting his hair between your fingers. 

Dieter places a soft tentative kiss to your shoulder, then slowly dragging the tip of his nose up the column of your neck, mindful of how responsive you are, nudging at your jaw before stopping.  

“You’re so fucking soft.”  His lips ghosting over your ear, voice honeyed and thick, his hand now situated on your bare hip, thumb toying with the seam of your underwear. 

You nuzzle into the side of his head, his scent provocative in the way you crave it immensely. The smokiness of the sandalwood and cedarwood compliment the spicy musk and floral base— it’s Dieter, wild and delicious. 

*

He tastes…

The ache for sustenance, a morsel of pleasure activates his taste buds, a palatable desire that he craves in hopes to fight off the hunger that plagues him. 

*

A fieriness burns through your body, causing you to lose all ability to properly handle the way Dieter is making you feel— ravenous. You need more, something substantial that satiates the emptiness and the yearning. 

The unfaltering look in his eyes, an unspoken feeling of infatuation that has you melting under his gaze. 

Dieter leans in, gradually closing the gap between his lips and yours, sparking the immediate surge of oxytocin actively flowing through your veins.

 His breath fanning across your lips, warm and minty, a brief remembrance of your almost kiss— several times over. 

This position offers a new approach, angle of motion, feeling the fullness of his bottom lip catch your top lip, your fingers gripping tightly to his hair in anticipation as the weight of his lips begin to slot gently over yours. 

*CLICK* 

“Dieter? I’m home!” Diem announces her arrival. 

Releasing the breath you were holding, grip loosened, warmth lifted— another moment gone. 

“Fuck me!” Dieter grumbles, his forehead falling to your shoulder, your chest vibrating with a silent laugh. 

Dieter places a kiss to your shoulder then pushes himself back from where he had been hovering over you seconds before, helping you to readjust the flowy fabric of your dress, a silent look to you asking “are you okay?”— you nod yes. 

His body slumps back into the cushioned backrest, head falling back as he pinched the bridge of his nose, willing away his annoyance at Diem’s horrible timing. 

“Oh! I didn’t realize you were here too, Poppy. I dropped Wren off for a playdate and picked up some dinner on the way home. You hungry?” 

“Umm, no I’m good. Actually, I’m going to head out. I’ve got— there’s some things I need to do. So, yeah— I’m gonna go.” 

You feel like two teenagers who were caught by the other’s parents. That awkwardness that looms over afterwards, not really knowing what to say or do. 

You give his leg a light squeeze, pulling his attention back from his sulking, propping himself up with his arms on his knees, grabbing your hand and returning the faint gesture. 

“I’ll text you later.” You mouthed to him before grabbing your items from the coffee table and making your way to the front door. 

“You still on for this Friday?” Diem asks you as she’s unboxing the pizzas she had picked up, arranging a few slices nicely on plates. 

“Yep— yeah! Friday is still good! See you later.” Your response short and to the point as you close the door behind you. 

Dieter can hear the rustling of the wrappers and then a stillness hangs in the air. His back is to where Diem is standing in the kitchen, but he can feel her eyes boring into the back of his head. 

“What?” 

“Why didn’t you mention she was coming over? I would have grabbed more food, we could have all hung out together.” 

“It was a last minute thing. I asked her to come read lines with me.” 

Diem rounds the couch and places the food on the coffee table, before sitting and making herself comfortable. 

“So… Did you finally kiss her?”

That gets a laugh from Dieter, face falling into his hands at the ridiculousness of Diem’s question. 

“No, I haven’t kissed her.” Tilting his head towards where she’s sitting, chin resting against his clasped hands. 

“Oh my god! You haven’t kissed her yet? What the hell, Dieter!”

“Trust me, it’s not for a lack of trying.” He assures her, picking at the toppings of his pizza slice that had fallen onto the plate. 

“I don’t get it. If you’ve been trying, then what’s stopping you from actually doing it?” 

“You are! Literally every chance I’ve taken, you stroll on in and fuckin’ cockblock me.”

“Wait— you’re blaming me for you not kissing her?” The shocked look on her face is priceless and equally hilarious. 

“Yeah, I’m definitely blaming you. You have the worst timing ever!” He laughed, because even as annoyed as he is, the whole situation is a little funny. 

*BUZZ* 

The vibration of his phone cuts into their conversation, a text from you pops up on to the screen, he swipes it open.

Poppy 💐- I have that easel ready, if you still want it. You’re more than welcome to come grab it. 

Uncle Dude - What’s your address? Be there in a few. 

He wipes his greasy fingers with a napkin then tossing it onto his forgotten pizza. He stands to his full height, placing his phone in his pocket and makes his way to the door. 

“Where are you going? I was going to turn on that one show we’ve been wanting to watch.”

“I’m— going out. Go ahead and start it without me.” He shouts as the door clicks closed behind him. 

*

Uncle Dude - What’s your address? Be there in a few. 

Poppy 💐- House number 402. White house on the left side of the street. See you soon!

The distance from your house to Diem’s is a short one, 3 minutes if you’re a fast Walker, 5-6 if you take your time. 

Dieter was on his way— to your house. 

You toss your phone onto the counter, and run to the bathroom. Not knowing how soon he was leaving after stating he’d be here in a few, didn’t leave you much time to freshen up. 

You literally just saw him, so you kept it simple a few swipes of deodorant, clean away any mascara flakes and opting for a fresh coat of chapstick instead of lipstick— less is more approach. 

2 minutes down. 

Running through the house, you do a quick once over, grabbing any loose items, out of place items or kind of embarrassing items and tossing them into your hall closet— making sure to snag your copy of ‘My Pleasure: An Intimate Guide to Loving Your Body and Having Great Sex’ off of the coffee table. 

4 minutes down. 

Heading into the kitchen— Maybe he’ll want something to drink? You grab two tall glasses and fill them with ice, sitting on the counter waiting to fill with whatever Dieter wants. 

5 minutes down. 

Nervously, you stare at the front door, your nervous tick of picking at your fingernails keeps your hands busy. Should I turn some music on? Should I have put on a little more perfume? Maybe I should have brushed my teeth? 

*Knock Knock Knock*

You grab for the door handle, pausing for a minute to take a deep breath, then cracking the door open to see Dieter standing on your front porch, hands in his pockets, casually looking down at his feet then up to you at the sound of the creaky door hinges— his face lights up instantly. 

“Hey! Hope you found it okay?” You can’t help the dopey smile that grows on your face. 

“No issues at all. Didn’t realize how close you lived this whole time.” He says, gesturing in the direction of Diem’s house. 

“Yeah, almost neighbors.” Your smirk is laced in flirtation, your head leaning against the edge of the door in the most 90s rom-com way. “You wanna come in?”

“Sure.” 

“Are you thirsty at all? I have sparkling and regular water, Diet Coke, and some beer— I haven’t made it to the store this week so I’m running low on things. I’ll be more prepared next time.” You ramble as you lead him into the kitchen, your nervous energy spiking just slightly. 

“I’m good for right now, thank you. So, there will be a next time?” He asks, observing the way you bite at your lower lip when he mentions the prospect of a “next time”.

“Yeah,” You shrug your shoulders, noting the way the corner of his mouth quirks up and the light flutter in your stomach that follows. “I think so, if that’s what you want?”

“Yes, definitely want that.”

There’s a beat of silence, sans the sounds of home— the tick of the clock, the clinking of ice falling into the tray, a faint sound of music coming from another room. 

“Oh! I—I have your jacket, I keep meaning to bring it over and then it would slip my mind…” Very much a lie, you were wearing it early this morning while you sipped your morning coffee, reading the latest chapter of ‘My Pleasure’… and you also might have worn it afterwards, when you needed a little— relief. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s totally fine. I mean, a little Birdie has been asking about it— it’s not a big deal.”

“Let me go grab it so I’m not tempted to hold it ransom for longer. Umm, help yourself to whatever. Then I can show you the easel, see if it’s something that will work for you.”

“Okay.” 

Dieter takes in your home, it’s very much you. 

Your love for plants extends inside, dozens of potted green plants, in varying shapes and sizes grace just your living room alone. 

There’s a hint of a modern flare to your style, clean lines and lots of wood, a very neutral aesthetic— most of the color living as art work on your walls. 

The art hanging throughout your home, he can only assume is your own. He’s drawn to the texture and the style of each painting— faint lines formed into human figures , landscapes resembling the world outside of these walls, and vivid abstract strokes of color adorn canvas everywhere he looks. 

A soft glow catches his eye and like a moth to a flame, he’s lured to a dimly lit room— your art studio. 

Large windows flank the walls, he imagines the natural light in the daytime is ideal in a space like this. 

Tattered empty tubes of acrylic paint, evidence of being overly pinched to extricate every last bit of paint, strewn across a large table against the wall. Empty glass food jars repurposed as storage for your massive collection of paint brushes, while spatulas and other painting instruments lay haphazardly across the tabletop. 

The table seems to double as a desk, once  light colored, now coated in layers of colorful dried paint drips and spills. He runs his fingers over the surface, a balance of smooth and irregular textures, imagining the years you’ve spent standing over this table deliberately colors and mixing new ones. 

Dieter thinks you must have been painting recently, a clear palette holds fresh dollops of paint in the center with a few experimental strokes on the side. He dips a finger into one of the little mounds, rubbing the emulsion between three fingers. It's cold and wet as it glides over his skin. 

The wall of windows behind him he finds an easel, it too covered in coats of paint— a newer canvas sits in the support bar, a rough sketch of something just barely visible. 

Next to where the easel rests, there are canvases  stacked neatly against the wall along the floor. He analyzes each painting with regard, taking in each deliberate stroke and use of color— intently connecting with the emotions you’ve experienced in creating each piece. 

He admires your tenacity. Through your long days of teaching at the school, little humans requiring so much of your attention for hours. To volunteering your time to help others explore their creativity at the gallery, planning and teaching weekly. And yet, you still find time to cater to your needs by doing something that makes your life more fulfilling, not allowing any roadblocks to deter your endeavors. 

There’s an ache in his chest, a deep reminder of how different his life could have been had he not been bound by the shackles of Hollywood and the dark world that surrounds it. 

Dieter had only ever dreamed of having such a space like this of his own, where he could chase a creative high and drown out the loud noises that followed him daily. 

Stopping his thoughts before they begin to spiral, he thinks back to a motivational speaker he listened in on while in rehab. There were a lot of valuable words shared during the speech, but he remembers the line that really stood out to him— even through the darkest moments and afflictions that overpowered all his memories and people closest to him, it didn’t mean he is less worthy of a good life, a great life, moving forward. 

Dieter realizes that with everything he’d lived through and how much hurt he had caused, he knows those things led him to this point in time— they led him to you. 

“I ended up washing it, read the care instructions on the tag so I wouldn’t fuck it up. I found some melted Kit-Kats in the pockets and a few condom wrappers— this jacket has definitely seen some things…” You stop talking when you realize you’re met with an empty room, Dieter not where you had left him. “Dieter?” 

There’s a slight movement that pulls your attention in the direction of your studio. 

You find Dieter standing in the center of the room, the flicker from a burning candle emits a diffused light, washing his sharp features in a soft glow. There’s almost a pensiveness to his expression, hands tucked in his pockets lost in his thoughts, you watch him quietly take in the room around him. 

“I see you helped yourself to a house tour.” You announce your presence as you enter the room, placing his jacket on the overstuffed chair in the corner then turning around to walk in the direction of your large art table, the skirt of your dress shifting from side to side as you walk. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep—“ He starts to apologize, realizing you both hadn’t set any boundaries with each other. 

“It’s fine, I’m just messing with you. I hid all my incriminating things already.” You joke, but there’s something about him that makes you feel like you don’t have to be guarded. 

“Are these for your showing?” He asks, pointing to the canvases he had just been studying. 

“Yeah,” You say as you turn to face him, lean back against the table. “They’re all pretty much done— I’ll probably fine tune some things before the big day.”

“Can I ask what they represent?? I can see two figures— a man and a woman in some sort of intimate setting. I see the woman is fully fleshed out in color with distinct features, similar to your own— but the man looks like a shadowed figure, starting out blank, then slowly gaining color and personality in each painting— like an evolution of some sort. But what’s the narrative behind them?” 

The way he’s analyzing your work, makes you feel even more captivated by him. 

“I was having this dream— a nightmare maybe? For weeks, it would come to me every night, always starting out in the same way. I would feel him all around me— his hands, lips, everything. I would try to speak to him, but he would never respond, and I could never see his face, didn’t know who he was. Then he would vanish, like I had lost him and I would wake up in a panic. But as the weeks went on, it was like I could start to see him a little clearer…”

Dieter hangs on to your every word, he’s drawn in to your openness to share your thoughts so freely with him. He steps closer to where you’re standing, wanting to know more about these dreams. 

“Go on.” He says softly, encouraging you to share more details. 

“Some nights his face was a blur, but I could see his features, more clearly each night. And as his face became more visible over time, the dreams didn’t feel like I was losing him— it felt like I was gaining more of him. The last week or so, I can see his face— I know who he is.”

At some point in explaining the story behind your paintings, your eyes fell to the floor— the way he was watching you so intently felt overwhelming the closer he got. 

“Who is he?” He asks, placing two fingers under your chin to slowly lift your gaze up to him. 

“You.”

It’s a fierce softness in the way his mouth molds to yours, the gentle press of his lips is breathtaking— punching the air right from your lungs. 

His touch is meticulous and thoughtful, resting his hands on your bare thighs, fingers lightly graze over your soft skin leaving a trail of tiny goosebumps. 

Your hands snake up his body, settling back to where they were not so long ago— cupping the back of his head, slow drawn out scratches to his scalp. 

“Is this okay?” He murmurs against your mouth. 

“Y-yes— more than okay!” You breathe out— you’ve  literally dreamt of this moment. 

Experimentally you slowly swipe your tongue across his plump bottom lip, silently begging for a little more and he obliges, allowing you to slip your tongue into his mouth. An equal exchange of feelings and yearning as the kiss alternates between a tangle of tongues and sweet pecks. 

Dieter pulls back, resting his forehead on yours, his breaths ragged puffs across your warm face.

“Why did you stop?” Your breath equally as ragged, chest heaving as you question his halted movements. 

“Be-because—“ His throat dry as he tries to regulate his breathing. “If we don’t stop, things will get— more serious.”

“I-I’m failing to see the problem in that.” You tease. 

“I don’t have any condoms— I didn’t think we’d get this far with our track record.” 

“I locked the door, after I let you in— didn’t want to chance any interruptions.” His chest vibrates with a soft chuckle at your response. “I’m clean and on the pill— but only if you’re comfortable.”

“I am, clean I mean— I’m clean, plus haven’t been with anyone in, well, awhile now. Might be a little rusty in all actuality.” He confesses, his thumbs still moving in sweeping motions over the tops of your thighs. “You sure you want this?”

“Very, very sure.” You whisper against his lips, grabbing one of his hands and dragging it slowly up under your dress to the throbbing ache that has settled between your legs since he started kissing you. 

“Fuck!” His eyes flutter shut at the sensation of your bare cunt, nearly choking on air— his fingers start to tentatively swipe through your wet folds, watching as your eyes start to roll back in pleasure. 

“I thought I had felt some kind of underwear earlier?” He asks, as his fingers coated in your slick start to draw lazy circles over your sensitive clit. 

“Ah!— I-I did. But I was so keyed up when I — left, I came home and had to— Oh! I had to— Fuck I can’t think straight when you’re doing that!” 

“Did you come home and touch yourself?”

“Yessss— Oh god!” You whine breathlessly as two of his fingers enter your heated core, remnants of your earlier orgasm fully welcoming him. 

“You’re so perfect.” He exclaimed,

his free hand cupping your face, keeping you close, his thumb lightly tracing across your lower lip. 

His two fingers continue to move in and out of you, working up so effortlessly. He presses a long slow kiss to your lips, followed by a few short light ones. 

You can feel yourself moving closer to the edge, there’s a tingle running down your spine, converging with the fire that’s beginning to break within you. Your velvety walls begin to flutter around Dieter’s fingers,  prompting him to kiss you a little deeper and it’s just the push you need. 

“Oh my god! I’m gonna come—“ Your body begins to shake, your hands slamming done on your table— paint splattering into the air. 

It’s an inferno of ecstasy blazing through your body, you wrap your arms around Dieter’s waist, clinging to him as you ride it out— letting the embers cool down. 

Without a single breath, you grab for the button on Dieter’s jeans as he tries to pull at the straps of your dress. It’s a jumbled mess of limbs, but finally working in tandem to rid each other of clothes. 

Dieter crowds you against the table, the edge digging into your lower back causing you to yelp. 

“Are you okay?” His eyes etched in concern, as he scans over your blissed out features. 

“Ye-yeah! The ta-table is digging.” You say, pointing to show him. 

He bends down to grab onto the back of your thighs. “Jump.” He says as he helps guide your naked body onto the table. 

His hands rest on the table as he leans in to kiss you again, unhurried as he licks into your mouth as he guides your body to lay down on the table. 

“You’re so beautiful like this, Poppy.” He says as he leaves a trail of kisses down your neck and over your chest, stopping and pressing his lips over the spot that he hopes to hold on to for a while— your heart. 

The gesture has your eyes welling up, blinking rapidly to fight them off. You feel so completely overwhelmed by him, you have to actively stop yourself from telling him how in love you are with him. 

He lifts himself off of you just enough to reach between the two of you, giving his cock a few hasty strokes before notching its weeping head at your entrance. 

“Fuck!” He gasps as he slowly pushes his full length into your warm cunt— the slightest ghosting of your climax now pulsing around him. 

Your legs wrap around his waist, pulling him in as close to you as possible, silently begging him to move, but he grips onto your leg to halt your movements. 

“Wait— I need a minute otherwise this is going to be over before it even happens.” He says, resting his head on your sternum to give himself a moment. 

“Dieter, it’s fine. Just take what you need— I’m— I’m good.” You feel more than satisfied with the two orgasms you’ve already had, you just want to feel him. 

He slowly states to move his hips, several purposeful thrusts, wanting to savor the way you feel, the warmth already starting to bloom in his belly.

Dieter lifts himself off of you, sensing this new angle is pleasant based on how you start to arch your back off the table, his steady thrusts working you both up in a desired frenzy. 

“Fuuuuck, you feel like a dream., Poppy.” His voice is hoarse, glancing down to watch the way your arousal coats him, his hands gripping your waist as he thrusting into with a little more earnestness. 

“Dieter— I think I’m going to come again— oh god!!” You announced into the lust filled room, the tell-tale signs barreling through your body. 

You try to grab onto something, hands looking for something to anchor yourself to, Dieter too far away and too lost in his own pursuit— each thrust is a little deeper producing your muscles to tighten on their own accord. 

An unexpected swipe of Dieter’s thumb over your clit is blinding, sweet erotic sounds pouring from your mouth, hands slamming back onto the table, you're met with wetness, your brain registering where you are and that your hands are covered in paint. 

The thick emulsion is cold when it hits your skin, your nipples pebble at the sensation of the paint gliding over them, your hands kneading the weight of your breasts— paint building up between your fingers with each calculated squeeze, each roll of your nipple sends you closer to your third orgasm. 

You look up to see Dieter’s slack jawed expression, which only makes you emphasize your movements, giving him a little show. You’re arched back putting your chest on display, your hands working over your exposed skin covering your upper body in a rainbow of colors. 

“Oh shit— shitshitshitshit— I’m gonna— fuck!” The sight of you sets Dieter off, folding himself over the top of you, face nestled into the crook of your neck as his thrusts begin to falter at the way your cunt begins to contract around him. 

A gravelly moan against your damp skin and one final thrust, his hips still as he’s spilling into you. 

The room is still again. The faint scent of your oud and  sandalwood candle is overpowered by the sex hazed aroma. Chests moving against each other simultaneously, lungs begging to properly breathe, skin slipping with each pull of air— this might become your favorite way to create art. 

A soft kiss to your shoulder  as Dieter lifts himself up into his forearms, resting his temple against your jaw to give his arms a chance to regain their strength before giving you a softer kiss to your lips. 

“That was—“ He’s still trying to regulate his breathing, words jumbled in his brain and not quite producing properly. 

“Amazing!” You finish his sentence for him. 

“Yeah— amazing.” He says, one more kiss because he doesn’t think he’s given you enough yet, then he’s slowly pulling out of you and helping you sit upright. 

“What a mess we made of ourselves.” You laugh as you examine both of your colorful torsos. 

“Worth it.” Dieter replied with a slight shrug and a quirky smile on his handsome face. 

“I’m going to go grab some stuff to clean us up. I’ll be right back.” 

Hopping off the table to head towards your bathroom, Dieter grabs you by the wrist, spinning you back towards him, your bodies flush against each once more as he gives you a toe curling kiss. 

“Alright, hurry back.” He says, giving your backside a few taps. 

*

You take a few minutes to freshen yourself up, wiping away as much of the paint as you can. 

Throwing on a clean pair of underwear and a loose shirt, the hardwood cool against your bare feet, you make your way back to your studio where you’re met with an unexpected sight when you get to the door, Dieter sitting in front of your easel where your last canvas sits. His naked body wrapped in his fuzzy coat, his brow furrowed in concentration as his hand moves around the canvas with a paint drenched brush. 

You take a moment to just watch him, leaning into the door frame, watching how he looks so relaxed and happy. 

“You snoop and you help yourself to my painting, you sir are a menace.” You jokingly say to him, it earns you a generous laugh. 

“Sorry, guess I’m two for two now. I saw you had it roughly sketched out and thought I’d paint you the way I see you.” He explained, leaning back into the small metal chair. 

“And how do you see me?” 

“Beautiful.” The word floats out and around you, its weight settling into that little space in your chest that has felt empty for so long. 

“That’s two times you’ve painted me now— I think those would be grounds for someone to fall in love.” You tease, but there’s truth wrapped up in your statement. Pushing yourself off the doorframe, making your way over to where he’s sitting. 

He places the brush in the glass of water, his hand reaching out for you to come closer, softly grabbing at your hips he’s pulling you down so you’re straddling his lap— fully aware he’s  still naked and covered in paint under his jacket. 

“Do you?” He has to know if you’re feeling the same way as him. “Do you, love me?” 

“Yes.” Your voice a little wobbly, your emotions bubbling up in your chest. 

But you do, you love him without a doubt and it’s the most terrifying and thrilling feeling you’ve experienced in a long time. 

“I love you too, Poppy.” He whispers to you, his eyes glossy as he fights back tears. 

“Why are you crying?” Wiping the single tear that has started to fall down his cheek. 

“I’m scared— that I’m going to fuck this up. And you’re going to resent me. And I’ll be back to where I was a year ago— alone.” 

Your heart nearly breaks at his confession. 

“That’s not going to happen though.” Brushing his wild hair away from his eyes, caressing his face and hoping he hears the sincerity in your voice. 

“How do you know that?”

“I don’t. But a wise man once told me— we’ll figure it out as we go.” 

His arm wraps around your waist as his other hand cups the back of your neck, bringing your face to his, your nose bumping into his. 

“I love you.” He breathes against your lips. 

And before you even have a chance to reciprocate, he’s kissing you with so much love and feeling. 

“Will you come? To see my showing on opening night?” You ask between feather-like kisses. 

“I wouldn’t miss it, Poppy.”

*

It’s a few hours later when Dieter walks through the front door of Diem’s house, ready for a shower and sleep. 

“You’re home late.” Diem’s voice sounds from the same spot on the couch he’d left her in. 

“Uh, yeah. Lost track of time.”

“Were you at Poppy’s?” She asks with herround of motherly questioning. 

“Yeah, I was. She had that easel, so I went to get it.”

“Where is it?”

“Where’s what?”

“The easel.”

“Oh, I— I must have forgot it. We were talking, lost track of time. I’ll grab it another time. I’m gonna take a shower then head to bed. Night.” Hoping to throw her off his scent, the last thing he wants is to hear her boast about what you and him were up to. 

“Night. Oh hey, Dieter.”

“Yeah.” Turning back towards her. 

“Make sure you wash that cute hand print on your neck.” Her devilish grin beaming at him. 

He gives her a middle finger for good measure, then heads to the bathroom. 

Next

[thatdesigirl17]

please

jess mariano x fem!reader

requested by @dkjndfnmdfmdmnd I don't know if this is what you wanted but I hope you like it! no warnings, but its basically fluff and angst.

‘Do I have to go?’, Y/N whined as Lorelai pushed her in her room. ‘Yes, Luke and Liz both have invited you, it’ll be rude plus do you really wanna miss that wedding? It’ll be our share of entertainment for the entire week!’, Lorelai tried persuading her. Y/N was home for another week due to her holidays at Yale, although she wasn’t exactly Lorelei’s biological kid, Lorelai had basically adopted her since Y/N’s parents hardly used to be home because of their work and travel. Currently, Lorelai was trying to make Y/N come to Liz’s wedding with her, but she didn’t want to and the reason was simple. Jess Mariano. 

Jess was her ex-boyfriend, the love of her life, her best friend who had left without so much as a goodbye about two years ago and hadn’t been in touch since. ‘Is it because of him?’, Lorelai sighed, sitting on the bed. ‘What will I even say to him?’, Y/N said, sitting across Lorelai. ‘You could slap him.’, Lorelai suggested sarcastically, making Y/N chuckle, ‘You cannot skip the wedding because of a man! Have I taught you nothing? You are coming to the wedding and showing Jess what he missed out on okay? No more discussions.’ Lorelai said as she exited the room, closing the door behind her, and leaving Y/N to get ready. Y/N sighed, she knew Lorelai was right and decided to do exactly what she said. She got ready wearing a short dress with a corset, highlighting her chest and waist. She put on light makeup and flowers in her hair because Lorelai insisted upon following the Renaissance theme. 

Lorelai and Y/N went to Luke’s where he was waiting for them on the sidewalk. They greeted each other as Luke complimented Lorelai. ‘You look great, Y/N.’, he said, looking over at her. ‘Thank you.’, she smiled politely. They started walking together, towards the town square where the wedding was being held. ‘Hey Y/N, you gonna be okay?’, Luke asked. ‘I hope so.’, she smiled. He nodded and walked with Lorelai. 

Just as they got seated, Liz’s friend Carrie arrived and told them about how Liz had ripped her wedding dress. Lorelai got up to help and dragged Y/N with her to Miss Patty’s where Liz was getting ready.  They greeted each other as Lorelai inspected the rip and told Y/N to get some pins from her purse. 

‘Here you go-‘, Y/N said, stopping right in her tracks as soon as she entered the barn once again. She saw him, Jess, looking right at her. He looked the same, except he had let his hair grow long. She could feel his eyes roaming around her body, taking her presence in. ‘Hey.’, she breathed. ‘Hey.’, he responded with a nod, his face expressionless but his gaze soft. 

‘Y/N, honey, the pins.’, Lorelai reminded as they witnessed the staring contest taking place between Jess and Y/N. Y/N shook her head and walked towards Lorelai, brushing past Jess. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath as their arm brushed. ‘Here.’, she said, handing Lorelai the pins and looking at Jess through the mirror. The awkward tension filled the air in the room. 

‘All done!’, Lorelai chimed as she finished altering the dress. ‘I’ll go tell everyone.’, Jess said and left the barn hurriedly. Lorelai and Y/N too made their way out and back to their seats. Luke and Lorelai sat in the second row, next to each other, while Y/N sat in the first, next to an empty chair. ‘Luke, shouldn’t you be seated here?’, she asked, turning around. ‘He cannot sit without his date! And I’m not sitting in the first row.’, Lorelai jumped in, just as an old-timey traditional tune played, signalling the start of the ceremony as the flower girls marched. Y/N turned her attention back to the ceremony, her mind still replaying the flashbacks of Jess, the late night drives in his car, them sitting on the bridge by the lake, reading together or just taking walks around the town.  A man cartwheeling and tumbling brought her attention back to the wedding as Liz entered, walking down the aisle with Jess. 

Liz kissed Jess on the cheek as he sat down on the empty chair right next to Y/N, wiping his cheek. They gave each other a small smile as the minister came forward, singing a poem. The four of them clenched their jaws, trying their best not to laugh at the wedding ceremony. Y/N looked at Lorelai over her shoulder, both of them on the verge of laughing out loud. Jess reached over and gently placed his hand on top of hers, trying to control his laughter himself, but he knew how hard it was for her to control her laughter, especially in serious situations. She looked at him and bit her lip, finding him looking right back at her. She quickly looked ahead as the ceremony proceeded. 

‘How is Yale?’, he asked, leaning over close to her. ‘Good, what about you? Where are you currently?’, she asked. ‘Oh, just here and there.’, he answered. She nodded, a bit of anger flaring up at his vague response. 

‘You look good.’, he whispered, leaning close to her ear. ‘Thank you, so do you. You let your hair grow long.’, she remarked, looking at him as he smiled and nodded, ‘You know what they say, hair holds memory, didn’t want to take the risk of forgetting.’ 

‘Forget what? Your perfect little life in Stars Hollow that you had to run away from?’, she said sarcastically, a bit of anger in her voice. She could feel him visibly tense at her words as he retracted his hand. ‘Y/N, I-‘, he starts but stops and sighs. She waits for his answer, she has waited for his answer for months. 

‘Nothing? Seriously?’, she says, her words laced with disappointment. She looks at him expectantly waiting for him to say something, anything, but he doesn’t, he just looks down, staring at his hands. She exhales the breath she was holding and gets up, walking away. He gets up quickly, following her, ‘Y/N, wait!’ ‘Why should I? I think I’ve waited long enough, Jess.’, she says continuing walking. He sprints catching up to her, grabbing her arm, stopping her and stepping in front of her. ‘Please.’ ‘Why? You’re not gonna say anything.’, she said. ‘You know I’m not good at all this small talk, just give me a minute, please.’, he said. ‘Fine.’, she said crossing her arms as she waited for him to explain. 

He bit his lip and sighed before speaking, ‘Y/N, I’m sorry.’ ‘For what exactly? Leaving? Not saying goodbye? Not keeping in touch?’, she asks, her anger getting the best of her. ‘For everything, you didn’t deserve it, you didn’t deserve an idiot like me.’, he said, looking down. ‘You’re right I didn’t.’, she said, her gaze softening at his genuineness. ‘I’m so sorry, trust me if you will, there wasn’t a day I thought of reaching out to you.’, he said, finally meeting her gaze. ‘Why didn’t you?’, she asked. ‘I didn’t know what to say.’, he said, his voice low, a whisper, as he took her hands in his, ‘Y/N, I know this isn’t an excuse but I’m sorry, for everything.’ ‘Jess, I have to go.’, she said slowly removing her hands from his grasp. ‘Y/N, don’t. Please stay, let’s talk this out.’, he said, holding her arms preventing her from walking away. ‘Jess please, you don’t understand.’, she said, tears almost welling up in her eyes. ‘What don’t I understand?’, he said, confused. She didn’t answer him. ‘Make me understand.’, he tried to convince her. ‘If I stay here with you-‘, she started and then stopped, looking away. ‘What? What are you saying?’, he asked, a bit of frustration in his voice. ‘If I stay here with you, I’ll start loving you again! And you won’t, you’ll just leave, again.’, she said, her voice low as her confession hung in the air. 

‘You think I didn’t love you?’, he said. ‘You left me. It doesn’t exactly scream I love you.’, she said her anger still present. ‘I know, I’m sorry, I know this won’t make up for anything but I still need to do this.’, he said, as he cupped her cheeks in his hands, leaning in and kissing her. She kissed him back almost instantly, the feeling so familiar to her. His movements were so soft and sincere that it made her forget all about her anger. He pulled her closer, one of his hands snaking around her waist as she rested hers on his arms. He breaks the kiss, resting his forehead against hers, as he says breathlessly, ‘I’m sorry.’ 

Her phone rings startling them as they let go of each other. It’s Lorelai, she answers it. ‘Lorelai says dinner is served, we should go.’, she says as he nods softly and follows her lead. She goes on to find Lorelai as he takes his seat on the table set down for them. 

His eyes follow her every move, a small smirk appearing on his face as they make eye contact, while she talks to Lorelai. He gets up and walks over to her. ‘Dance with me?’, he asks towering behind her. ‘Are you high?’, she asks sarcastically,  turning around. ‘Just trying to make up.’, he shrugs. ‘You’ve got a long way ahead of you for that, don’t think this is it.’, she says as she lets him lead her to the dance floor. ‘Not even when I’m doing something I hate for you?’, he asks playfully. ‘Not even close.’, she chuckles, narrowing her eyes at him. He chuckles, a breath of relief leaving him as he hears her laugh.

He grabs her waist, pulling her closer and swaying to the rhythm of the song the band is playing. She rests her hands on his shoulders. ‘I intend on making it up to you.’, he says, leaning closer slightly. ‘It’ll probably cost you your entire lifetime.’, she chuckles. ‘Then so be it.’, he smirks.

[synobun]

One of them tag games

So I wasn't actually tagged by @cour5t in this, but I was tagged by @rosewinterborn in a very similar game, so I'm stealing the first and pretending it's the second, since the second had a few questions that didn't apply to me x)

Last song: I'm gonna do the last song I've had on repeat for this!

Favorite color: I never know what to say for this. Black? Dark red? Dark purple? Dark green? That whole colour palette is the bomb dot com.

Last movie/show: The last movie I watched that was new was Nimona! It was fantastic, 10/10 lives up to the hype. The last show I finished was Reacher. It was okay.

Next on my watchlist: I've finally started watching Criminal Minds, but I'm already kind of burning out on it midway through season two. And there's still like 300 episodes left. Ridic. I should probably catch up on Foundation and For All Mankind. Next movie is the cartoon version of Mulan!

Last game: Prey! I did a replay of Doom 3 a while ago and mused that the horror story-game genre should be revived, and then on a whim I decided to play Prey without knowing anything about it. And it's the exact kind of game I was talking about. It's pretty good.

Last book: Rebirth of the Sigil by Peri Akman. It was disappointing. :/ Especially since I know what the author is otherwise capable of. I had the same thing happen with John Gwynne recently as well.

Sweet/savory/spicy: Savory, I think? I don't have an instinctive sense of what savory is. Google says it's a meaty taste, and I rely heavily on protein, so I guess that. I have a pretty low tolerance for sweetness despite liking sodas and such. I don't like most desserts or can only eat a tiny amount. Spicy is alright but my digestive system disagrees.

Relationship status: *vague gesturing*

Last thing I searched online: The hours for my pharmacy to see if it was too late to pick up my medication.

Current obsession: I am generally not an obsessive person when it comes to, like, interests and activities. But I am an obsessive person when it comes to thoughts and emotions. Lately I've been struggling a lot with thinking about eternity. It has not been fun. On a lighter note, I have also been thinking more regularly about writing. Perhaps someday that will translate into action!

Greatest flaw: How much time do you have? This is actually something I have difficulty answering, because the line between something forced upon me and something that is actually inherent to me is blurred a lot of the time.

I think I'd say how I behave when I'm spiraling mentally. I close off and disappear from almost everyone in my life. Occasionally I can keep up appearances with one group but not the rest, but by and large I become a ghost. When I am in a conversation during those cycles, it's crazy how badly I'm affected. I don't become cruel or mean toward others, but my speech becomes jilted, I can't make eye contact, and I am just devastatingly hateful against myself.

It's partly why I isolate, so that I don't have to expose others to that behaviour. It happens on a yearly basis though, and it can last for weeks at a time, so it has a pretty negative impact on my relationships. I also have no idea how to navigate being in one of those moods while part of a relationship where daily contact is an expectation. When I was part of a romantic relationship, instead of having one big prolonged dip, I would fade in and out of it. A couple weeks good, a couple days bad. Rinse and repeat. Awful. Terrible. Annoying. There's almost no predicting when it'll happen either.

Fic I’m currently reading: I rarely read fics because I have no patience for wading through wish fulfillment, horny writing, and "He would not fucking say that" fics, so there's only one that I vaguely keep up with. My friend has a Mass Effect fic, which can be found here. It focuses on femShep(/Kaidan) and Tali(/Garrus) and is post-ME3.

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I tag anyone who sees this and actually made it to the end, tbh. But for sake of poking, I tag @rosewinterborn with this variant, and also @deadlyessencewhispers, @tananaphone, @stupid-elf, @carrotblr, @atinydroid, @imtryingx, and, uh, uh... I don't know... let's see... @kkshowtunes, @d3viantvanguard, and @awritingcaitlin. I probably just tagged everyone who follows me. Anyway thanks bye

[someinstant]

I was tagged by @bright-thorn in a quick get-to-know-you game, and what the heck. I've got time before a meeting, so let's do this!

Tag nine (9) people you'd like to know better!

Last song: "Doo Wop (That Thing)," Ms. Lauryn Hill. Today was our first day back in the classroom for pre-planning, and I have a million things I need to do before I have kiddos in front of me on August 1st. And because one of the things I have to do is check transcripts for all of my rosters-- gotta make sure that my seniors aren't missing any graduation requirements, gotta keep an eye out for ELL and 504 and IEP and gifted services, gotta check that no new transfers have duplicate credits, or aren't placed correctly-- I was working my way through a lot of old favorites today as background music. Stuff that would keep me awake and focused so I wouldn't miss anything critical-- and that I knew well enough for it to not be distracting. So The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill fit the bill and was my last selection of the day.

Currently reading: Oh, like four different things. The City of Brass, by S.A. Chakraborty, which I started reading ages ago and then got distracted by life, so I've started over. A Memory Called Empire, by Arkady Martine, which I started reading during the early summer of 2020 and absolutely adored-- and then both my parents needed major surgeries within the same week, and a week later my gallbladder gave out on me-- and in the chaos and haze of am-I-dying-or-is-my-gallbladder-infected, I couldn't concentrate on it. So I've started it again as well, and it's so brilliant. I love it. But it does take me immediately back to that godawful summer in a very visceral way, which makes me somewhat uncomfortable. A couple of historical murder mysteries. And I've just started The Anarchy by William Dalrymple, which is about the role of the British East India company in South Asia.

Currently watching: Literally? I've got the replay of Stage 3 of the Tour de France Femmes on right now because I couldn't watch it live. (Stupid having to work for a living.) In the greater sense, I've just finished watching The Law According to Lidia Poet on Netflix, which hits all sorts of buttons for me, because I do love a good period mystery show-- especially if it's not set in the UK. Plus the costuming is fabulous. I'm two episodes into the second season of Shadow & Bone, but-- eh, I dunno. I really am only interested in one or two of the storylines, so I'm not sure I'm going to finish it.

Current obsession: I am so sorry to everyone who has suddenly been thrown into my rabid cycling fandom, especially if you started following me for, like, Andor stuff or whatever. I'll be somewhat normal again soon, I promise, and will only occasionally reblog GIFsets of Wout van Aert doing Wout van Aert-ish things until it's time for the Vuelta. What you have to understand is that this is not a new thing for me: I've been following men's pro cycling in the form of the Tour de France since I was... twelve? Thirteen? That's when I got seriously into long-distance cycling for a while, there. And while I'm nowhere near as fit as I used to be and the week-long cycling journeys my dad and I used to do are now well out of my reach, I still watch cycling obsessively. It used to be just the Tour de France, and then I started following riders and related folks on various social media platforms, and then started listening to podcasts, and then I started watching the other Grand Tours, and the past several years I've also gotten sucked into watching the spring Classics, and now I've also fallen down the rabbit hole of women's pro cycling, too. And as an obsession it is at its most all-consuming every year during July, which is when the Tour is on-- and I live blog the whole thing. (Not on this platform, although I've considered it.) Like, I do detailed narrative stage-by-stage write ups. The document for this year's total recap wound up being 46k words long, so. Yeah. Definitely an obsession, and it's one that everyone around me just has to kind of learn to live with during the summer every year.

And if you would like to answer these questions yourself, please consider yourself tagged! I love learning things about folks.

[trensu]

9 people you want to know better!

Got tagged by @cyanide-latte and @xoxoladyaz (and possibly someone else, but i couldn't i find them in my notes, so...)

Last song: Rats by Ghost (who i'll be seeing in concert with a friend this year! very excited about that)

Currently watching: if you've seen my reblogs lately, i'm sure it'll absolutely shock you to find out i've been watching Good Omens 2 practically on loop all week. (Did you know the ending stays exactly the same no matter how many times you replay it??!? i'm coping fantastically, why do you ask?)

Currently reading: I haven't been reading proper novels these last few weeks because i am not in the right state of mind to accept new fiction into my mind-scape. HOWEVER, i have recently rediscovered a good omens fanfic that i lost track of YEARS ago called Strange Pilgrims by sousverre. i'm about halfway through and it is just as good as i remembered, with the bonus of it being completed now. i can't wait to find out how it ends!!

Latest obsession: currently i'm not properly obsessed with anything, i don't think, but i HAVE picked up fic writing again, which i haven't done in a while, AND i've been very focused on finishing my pride quilt.

Tagging: @ent-is-indecisive, @ashes-in-a-jar, @dogsnameisfrank, @sp0o0kylights, @rjwinterfell, @life-love-musicaltheatre, @thebimboficationofacademia, @kuroishiraiwa, @fuctacles

[lightsburnbrite]

The Love You Want: Part 2

After Elena left, I tried my best to get on with life. She had essentially rejected me, but I figured that was how she had felt when I left her behind and I deserved it. I let some friends set me up on a few different dates. Eventually, I met Lara, who was the only one I felt any sort of connection with. We were getting ready to celebrate our three month anniversary, her idea not mine, when a notification popped up on my phone. Elena had sent me a friend request to my private instagram account. I immediately accepted and followed her back. 

Glancing at the time, I figured I had a few minutes before I needed to leave to make the reservation. Scrolling through her page, I instantly smiled when I came upon a picture, a selfie, taken in her car with a dog looking over her shoulder from the back seat. "Spa day for me and my best girl." 

I loved seeing Elena being silly and happy. As I kept scrolling through some older pictures, I realized that the dog, an Australian Shepherd named Greta, was given to her by her husband. Looking at the pictures of her with her dog, I had a hard time reconciling that her husband was capable of giving Elena something that brought her such joy.

I didn't have time to dwell on the thought because a message from Lara popped up.

Shaking the thought of Elena from my mind, I turned my attention back to my current date. We had agreed to meet at the restaurant but now she was asking me to come pick her up despite that meaning I would need to back track. At this point, it would be easier just to go along with the change of plans instead of protesting. 

When we got to the restaurant, Lara decided that she just wanted to do small plates and then walk around Maximillianstraße. I got the feeling she was angling for me to buy her something as an anniversary gift which didn't set well with me considering this was a bullshit occasion anyway. 

"Leon?"

I looked up, shaking off my thoughts. "Sorry?"

"Where did you go?" Lara laughed. "Off in dreamland?"

I shrugged. "Just replaying something that happened in training today."

"Oh!" Lara tugged on my arm. "Let's get some coffee!"

I didn't want coffee at this point in the evening but I also didn't feel like a potential argument so I went along. Lara was chattering about something but I had tuned her out again until we got in line at the cafe. I glanced over at the order pick up section of the counter and instantly recognized her.

"Ellie?" I couldn't stop myself from blurting out her name.

As soon as Elena turned around she smiled. "Leon, hi."

"It's so good to see you." I knew I was beaming but couldn't help it at this point. Nor did I care. "What are you doing here?"

Elena smiled again but reluctance seemed to take over as her eyes moved to Lara. "I, um, live here now. A few weeks ago. For work."

"I'm Lara." She thrust her hand out, making a point. "Leon's girlfriend. How do you two know each other?"

"Sorry!" I tapped my fingers to my temple. "Lara, this is Elena. We've known each other since, well, forever. Our mothers are best friends so we grew up together." 

With a gracious smile, Elena nodded again. "Nice to meet you. Sorry but I've got to be getting to work now."

"At this time?" By this point, I knew it was obvious I was stalling but I wasn't ready to let Elena go just yet.

Now Elena rolled her eyes. "Conference call with people in New York and San Fransisco. I don't really know why I'm needed there too but I'm new so I'm not really in a position to say no. Have a lovely evening."

"Well," Lara waited until Elena had left the cafe before starting. "She seems pleasant."

I pressed my lips together at the underhanded comment. "Her father passed away suddenly just recently so she's been a bit guarded."

"Oh." 

I realized that Lara wasn't going to offer any sort of apology for her snap judgment but decided to let it go. 

We finished our coffee and I dropped Lara back off at her place, I really wasn't in the mood to stretch the night any longer. I sat parked in front of Lara's for a minute, my head resting on the steering wheel when an incoming call came over the speakers. I looked up to see it was Elena and couldn't hit answer fast enough.

"Ellie, hey."

"Hi Leon," she sighed. "Look, I know I was a little standoffish but it kinda took me by surprise seeing you with another girl. Which isn't an excuse, I mean, you have every right to date people and I guess what I'm trying to say is….I'm sorry."

Now I had to laugh. "Ellie, it's ok."

"But the thing is, I've been thinking a lot about the last time we saw each other and about how we stopped speaking over a huge misunderstanding and I miss you I don't want to not have you in my life-"

She was speaking so fast I had to raise my voice for her to hear me. "Hey, are you off work yet? We could meet for a drink?"

"But your girlfriend-"

"I've already taken her home." I laughed again. "It's just me."

We decided on a place and I grabbed us a table since I got there first. I had a view of the entrance so I gave Elena a wave as soon as I saw her walk in and the stood to greet her once she was close enough. 

She hesitated. "Can I hug you?"

I held out my arms in response and pulled her against my chest.

Once we sat down, I couldn't stop smiling. When Elena looked at me funny, I simply shrugged. "I'm just really happy to see you again."

"Um," Elena nodded her head as if she was encouraging herself to continue. "It's been a rough few months for me and I would like nothing more than to be able to lean on you-"

"Do you trust me?" I reached across the table, taking her hand when I noticed she wasn't wearing her wedding ring.

Elena looked away before bringing her eyes back to mine. "I think, ultimately…yes. The last few years aside, you're probably the person I trust the most outside of my family."

"Then lean on me." I cleared my throat. "I'm not going anywhere."

I saw a tear slide down her cheek as she let out a nervous laugh. "I don't know anyone down here yet."

"So, what brings you to the great state of Bayern?"

Elena looked away and shrugged. "Well, a girl's gotta work, right?"

I only raised an eyebrow.

"When I married Alex, he asked that I stopped working because he didn't want it to appear that I was working out of necessity. But that's one of the things that I missed the most. There wasn't a spot for me back in wealth management in London so it was suggested that I apply to the Munich branch." This time Elena smiled, but it appeared genuine.

"That sure worked in my favor." I offered her a wink. 

A blush came across her cheeks. "Honestly, I wouldn't have taken the spot if you weren't here."

"I noticed you didn't have your ring on. Was that your choice or his?"

Tilting her head slightly, Elena shrugged. "Actually, it was almost mutual. The main thing was that I wanted kids, I wanted a family. I figured if he didn't want me to work then that was a perfect time. Only Alex already has four kids and doesn't want any more. So all my life I've wanted to be a mother and now that wasn't going to happen. Alex bought me a puppy thinking that she would make everything fine and-I love Greta and I'd probably be in a much worse place right now if I didn't have her but a puppy isn't the same as a baby. So I was sad, I was becoming incredibly lonely, finally Alex looked at me one night and said 'I don't make you happy, do I?' And that was that."

"Well, can't say that I'm sad about it." I shrugged. "He seemed like an ass at your father's funeral."

Elena shook her head. "He's not a bad man, he's actually been more than fair with the settlement. It just wasn't a good match for us."

"Look, I don't care how is treats other people, he wasn't there to support you at your father's funeral-"  

"Thank you, for that, by the way." I could tell that Elena wanted to change the subject. "I don't think I ever said that to you."

"You don't need to. I…care about you and you needed someone." I stopped myself before I told her that I loved her. I didn't think Elena was ready to hear that yet. "So where are you staying?"

Elena took a long sip of her wine. "I signed a year lease on a small apartment in Bogenhausen."

"Ok," I nodded. "That's a nice, safe area. But if you ever want company when you're taking Greta for a walk, I'm free."

This time she smiled. "I might take you up on that, I'm still trying to find the good places. Oh, that reminds me, I should probably order an uber now so I don't forget."

"Ellie," I reached you for her hand again. "I'll take you home, no problem."

She bowed her head slightly. "Thank you. That's on my to-do list, to get a car."

We talked for a little while longer until she looked at the time and sighed. "It's getting late."

"Yeah. I guess I should get you home." I put my hands in my pockets and leaned back. "Maybe we could grab dinner sometime? Soon?"

Her eyes got this starry look as she smiled again. "I'd love that."

Once we were in the car, I glanced over at her occasionally. She was looking out the window, seemingly taking in all the sights around her. 

You have arrived at your destination.

I found a spot right in front of her building and put the car in park. I waited for a moment, trying to think of something to say, but Elena spoke first.

"I need to tell you something." She kept her eyes straight ahead but tentatively placed her hand next to mine on the center console. "I didn't actually want to sleep with Simon and I hadn't…I had never done anything with anyone before and it was awful. I didn't even want to have sex again until I met Alex so when Angela said that you basically called me a whore because of it, I was devastated. I know you didn't actually say that but…I'm just trying to give you an idea about where my head's been."

I was silent for a period, processing what she had said. "Did he rape you?"

"No," She hesitated. "I mean, I wasn't kicking and screaming or anything. I didn't want to but he just kept on to the point where I just gave up."

I wasn't going to press her or insist that he may as well have raped her because she definitely didn't sound like a willing participant. I laced my fingers with hers and gave it a squeeze. "I don't blame you for being hurt. If someone told me that you said something similar I know I'd keep my distance too. I always wondered what you saw in Simon because I think he's a shithead."

She at least laughed at that. "Did you want to meet Greta while you're here?"

"Sure." I leapt from the car so I could open the door for her.

"She's…" Elena glanced over her shoulder as she put the key in the lock. "She can be a little standoffish with new people."

We walked in, I closed the door behind us while Elena turned on a light. The apartment was bright white and had ultra modern furnishings. She must have noted my confusion. "I'm renting it fully furnished. The move happened pretty quickly and I don't have any furniture or things like that. But it's temporary so…"

"Temporary?" My mind instantly went to her only being here for a short time and I know there was a trace of panic in my voice.

She shrugged. "I'd like to get to know the area and then I might find something that I like better. This was literally a 'I have a week to move to a different country' situation."

The jingle of collar tags took my attention away from Elena. Greta trotted out, her tail wagging furiously, as she stopped to greet Elena. After a moment, she turned her attention to me. Her tail kept wagging although it hung slightly lower and she approached me slowly. After sniffing my hand, her whole body seemed to wiggle as she slid down to the flor and exposed her belly to me. Instinctively, I crouched down and gave her a belly rub until she leapt up and licked my face.

Elena laughed as I fell backwards on my butt, Greta crawling into my lap. "So obviously she likes you." 

"Did you," I stood and straightened my shirt. "Did you want to talk her on a walk before I left? You know, just to have some company."

With a smile, Elena nodded.

We took a brief walk though her new neighborhood, the wind had picked up and a crisp evening had turned into a chilly night. When we got back to her apartment, I stopped at the door knowing that if I went back inside, I might not leave.

"I'll see you soon." I wanted to kiss her, even just a peck on the forehead, but I had the wherewithal to stop myself. "Hey, listen, if there's anything you need, call me. Even if it's just where to get dinner. Ok?"

Elena smiled. "Yeah. I'm glad we can be…I'm glad we're in each other's lives again."

[marshiestars]

Tag 9 People You Want To Get To Know Better

thank you @scrawnytreedemon for tagging!! let’s begin, shall we? :3c

Three Ships: ughhhhh this is real hard because I JUST invented the most horrible, wonderful “why does it work” crackship a few weeks ago, but if I want to include it, I have to ignore one of my three big zelda ships :C

1. Ghiralink. because of course. I feel like it’s illegal to leave this one out or put it any lower. it’s the good food. it’s well-established. I can afford to be picky with my content. it’s great :D

2. Astlink! sorry Kohlink, but Astlink is less likely to scare half my audience away 😔.

tbh I’m still VERY surprised that Astor and Link aren’t paired together nearly as often as Zelast (Astor / Zelda). don’t get me wrong, both are rare pairs, but somehow Astlink is even *rarer* shksjhdjhsshs, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. either way, it's 'moody goth bitch rejected by society (or maybe he rejected society first, it's a chicken or egg situation tbh) with the perfect golden person that everyone admires who secretly has their own issues'!! and it's about how they're on the complete opposite sides of this huge conflict and yet they find unexpected parallels in each other! and having everything fall apart but deciding to be a better person, even when the rest of the world says it's too late, because that one person believes in you and is willing to give you a chance! darkness and light! it's GOOD FOOD

(...man, I really gotta finish chapter 3 of swordsman and the seer.)

3. ...fuck it. scrawny, I hereby challenge you for the title of Weirdest Fucking Crossover Ship. Ghirahim x Godrick? Sephiroth x the Hollow Knight? I'm intrigued, but not crumbling to ash at the thought.

and so I give you this in place of gushing about Kohlink, which is unbelievably rare, but damn it, at least they're from the same source material! besides, I wasn't the first person to pair them by a long shot, no, no, no.

but there’s a special, lonely sort of pride in knowing you’re probably the first of 8 billion people in the world to ever even think of a pairing. ready? here it is:

R*x D*ng*rv*st x S*np*i from FNF.

(censored their names like that because if this shows up in the tags I’m gonna jump out a window)

yeah, man. I don't even know either.

I mean, I do know, somewhere, and my original train of thought is buried in the memory slush of a few months ago, gone forever. so now we're here. fuck. kill me. why am I writing shit for these two. girl what the hell is this

everyone who reads this post, I want a brick emoji in my inbox to simulate getting one through my window

First Ever Ship: ANYWAY, fuck, I don’t even remember at this point, I've been in greater fandom for so long. wait... oh, son of a bitch, nevermind, I do.

*sigh*

it was Billdip.

DO NOT COME AFTER ME, I DON’T SHIP IT ANYMORE. haven’t for years. I was 12. but I loved Bill Cipher (still do, he's my funny meow meow blorbo <3) and was very upset when the finale happened even though I knew that was how it had to be. but every time Billdip art came across my screen, I saw cool art where he: # 1. was still around and # 2. was more often than not a pretty human / humanoid (this was at the height of his sexymanification). hell, I didn't even give a shit about Dipper honestly, I just wanted more Bill content. and again, being literally 12, I didn’t really stop to think abt any moral implications. but yeah.

(also nowadays I hc Bill as ace sooo)

Last Song: 'She Had The World' by Panic! very nice to sing to, it's right in my range <3

Last Movie: does ‘My Little Pony: A Very Minty Christmas’ count? it’s a childhood film and practically tradition for me to watch it every year for christmas lol. although this year I’ve been replaying it for... research purposes. yeah. totally not for a lethally cursed fanfic, no sir.

if that doesn’t count, then ‘The Lego Movie’!

Currently Reading: nothing atm!! even as my 'to read' pile gets taller by the day, hhhh

Currently Watching: Minty Christmas, again, but definitely not so I can copy the dialogue verbatim to use as the base for a coked-up christmas crack fic

Currently Consuming: soup <3

Currently Craving: instant ramen, good god, especially if it’s spicy. they have cups for sale in vending machines around campus but they’re all beef and chicken flavour :C

I won't tag anyone else in this because nine people is a lot; far too many to bother with this wall of personal nonsense shdhdj but thanks anyway for tagging me scrawny, my beloved mutual!!! <3

[rigelmejo]

12/14/2022 Study Update

Hi all! 

I tried to update about a week ago and tumblr ate my whole post. So I’ll be trying again.

Basic study plan updates:

With Japanese, I am switching focus to something that’s always reliably worked for me: Nukemarine’s Let’s Learn Japanese Memrise courses 1-12. Unlike prior attempts, I’m not doing a review of the 4 sections I’ve already done. I’m focusing on inreasing vocabulary and grammar, I am to get to section 6 or 7 in a month. I’m currently in section 4-5. I’m prioritizing studying new words, with the plan to  do most of my reviews once done cramming. This strategy has always worked for me with SRS in the past. I noticed memrise added 5 second ads which is annoying as all fuck, they never had such a sucky feature for free users before. However, Memrise is still probably the SRS I’m best at cramming though - probably because seeing the circles of ‘20 new things learned’ fill in every time I study for 10 minutes is very motivating to me. It’s motivating to see I’m 10% 20% 30% finished and gets me to study another 10 minutes etc. Clozemaster is the second most motivating for me, but it shows % complete out of like 10,000 items so the percent raises in such small amounts it does not motivate me as much. Nukemarine’s LLJ Memrise courses are what got me to reading manga/playing video games, I think some dedicated focus could get me another significant leap in comprehension. LLJ includes Tae Kim’s Grammar Guide so even if I avoid reading a grammar guide because I get bored I can still cover grammar, covers kanji, covers vocabulary, and covers example sentences. In addition, I’m still doing a personal challenge of trying to listen to as much Glossika Japanese as I can - I really want to see what language level it gets a person to. Glossika claims it gets a person to B2, I am guessing though for japanese I’ll be lucky if it gets a person to N3 (N3 would still be more solidly intermediate than I currently am though, I think I’m at N4? But very skewed because I cannot pass an N5 practice test with all the hiragana-only words but I can play a video game.... the mlcjapanese kanji check test puts me at 650-690 kanji known, N4-almost N3 which needs 700 kanji... I put myself in N4 since I can’t pronounce a lot of kanji words that I can understand when reading). Also, Glossika Japanese in general has been helping improve my listening-knowledge of vocabulary, which is currently weaker than my reading skills. So it’s helping round out my knowledge.

Outside of Nukemarine LLJ Memrise Courses and Glossika Japanese, I’m brute force watching a few lets plays right now, playing Final Fantasy X in japanese, reading Ranma 1/2 and a couple other manga with bilingualmanga to click the translation when needed (reading very slow though), and contemplating watching anime in japanese again (maybe with subs to help pick up words?). I’m also considering using Satori Reader but I don’t love that it’s paid for most of the content. I’m very tempted to just keep playing japanese video games and watching the lets plays, because at my level its quite easy to coast and follow along. But I fear I’m not picking up many new words since I can just follow along by watching/playing. I want to improve, not stay at the same level. I will say, playing japanese video games NOW is significantly easier than this summer when I played a few hours of Yakuza Ishin and felt fried (but able to do it). Now I’m feeling like I can just relax and play. I think a brand new video game would fry my brain more trying to understand the directions, but replaying a game I know from english is not difficult anymore. Final Fantasy X feels relaxing to play, relaxing enough I think I could maybe do Nier Automata in japanese too. Again... my fear is Because It Feels Relaxing (not brain frying) I’m not picking up enough new words. I hope I’m learning some new words, but I can’t tell if I am.

Summary: Continuing to progress through Nukemarine LLJ Memrise, Glossika Japanese (optional), video games/lets plays in Japanese (optional).

For Chinese: Continuing to read 镇魂 on paper extensively, 撒野 on phone extensively (with some word lookup if I want). Optionally, I have a lot of audiobooks and dramas I want to check out and have bookmarked, but I want to keep focusing on reading overall. 

My reading is frustrating in that YAY it’s improving, but it’s also painfully obvious where I still fall short when I try to read a new novel (I tried reading ErYa’s stuff - the writer of SCI - and couldn’t tell the intro paragraph was describing a city and test in a period china setting until I looked up 5 words, despite SaYe now feeling as easy as TuTuDaWang for me, so setting and author familiarity is GREATLY affecting if I can handle reading something extensively without it feeling frustrating). Zhenhun is officially 95% actually comprehensible to me, I counted and measured lol. I’ve been highlighting unknown words and it’s really 5% or less of each page. I also think its fun seeing me highlight a word when I read, then figure out the word’s meaning a few sentences or paragraph’s later. I think when I totally extensively read, as in NO dictionary translation aid available, it makes me work harder to comprehend and I often figure out what would seem ‘so difficult I’d give up in frustration’ if I had a dictionary-translation to rely on. I can run into 5 unknown words and if I’m truly extensively reading without aids, I usually figure it out. If I’m relying on a dictionary I often give up trying to figure out meaning very quickly, which makes comprehending overall feel harder. I noticed this as early on as Xiao Wang Zi the first time I extensively read a print book - looking back it was WAY hard for me lol! But when I read it with no aids, I managed to read it and follow the plot! Now, my reading is much better than when I read it first, and I can tell just how much I didn’t know when I initially read it. And yet I still managed to follow the story that first time! For me it seems good to do a balance of some extensive reading with no aids, and some dictionary lookup reading.

With chinese versus japanese comprehension levels! So... lol when reading manga, it becomes BLATANTLY obvious my chinese is far beyond my japanese. Chinese comics are easy as pie now, japanese manga still make me feel I’m desperately making sense of a puzzle to grasp the main overall plot on a page. Reading novels that’s even more true: chinese novels are doable, japanese graded readers make me feel drained after a few sentences of intensely trying to grasp the meaning. I can read about 1-3 paragraphs of japanese WITH translations before I burn out, I can read hours of chinese webnovels with no dictionary and feel okay. I genuinely think the *chinese reading skill* is artificially boosting my kanji reading comprehension, which is ultimately why video games and lets plays in japanese FEEL ‘easier’ than other japanese activities right now - its more simple conversational grammar and common words, then ALSO its a lot of kanji which i can 80% of the time roughly guess the meaning of from the scene context and my chinese hanzi knowledge. 

Goals ultimately:

I’d like to read 500k chinese characters by the end of 2022. I read 400K so this should only really be like 20 chapters of something to manage it.

I’d like to get through enough japanese study material to start picking up new words through INPUT like watching shows and playing games, because that will make future language progress much easier to work in with my normal hobbies. So like I said, get through Nukemarine LLJ to the end of section 6 or 7.

[autumnslance]

Thank you for answering my question about the matching up of written and in-game characters, that definitely helps. I had planned to start playing my WoL first but reading your advice has me thinking maybe I need a character to just enjoy the story then go back and play my WoL. When you play Dark Autumn and Aeryn, do you play one all the way through or do you play Dark to a point then go back and play Aeryn to the same point? My WoL is FFVIII inspired and pulls a bit from the game itself. ♥

You’re welcome! And I know a few folks with that approach; they have their “gameplay main” but their “Warrior of Light” for fanfic, or even their RP main, is another character—who sometimes lags behind on finishing MSQ, even.

Dark’s my first FF14 char, and I never intended her to be “the” WoL. “A” WoL, a heroic adventurer with the Echo, but she is here to help the Actual WoL (whoever that is in my or friends’ stories).

I play Dark through first partially from habit. I got her to 4.1 before I made alts to replay ARR (it was before NG+) and see the other city intro stories. She went through the patches as they dropped. Eventually C’oretta, and then Aeryn, caught up. C’oretta got left behind though, as I started taking Aeryn through story after Dark was finished (I was also waiting on Dancer for C’oretta as melee is not my forte).

Shadowbringers 5.0 I finished on Dark Autumn and was planning to take time before leveling Aeryn. But I began her play through within a couple days cuz I wanted to relive that story. And that’s kind of how it goes; Dark plays through to the end of current MSQ, then Aeryn starts her playthrough a couple days or so later.

There’s content Aeryn’s done that Dark has not, like Bozja and Eureka. I leveled all the jobs and classes on Aeryn and saw all those stories on her first. But for Raids, Trials, MSQ, it’s typically Dark first—and in the case of Raids and Trials, it’s helpful to take Dark first not only for story, but to see the fight so when my FC does it later in the week and I take Aeryn I have a good idea of what’s going on (as I am RezMage).

Dark tackles the main stories first so I get the lore and info, but also my own kneejerk reactions out of the way. I can start thinking of my WoL’s story and how she reacts to it and where the other OCs fit, and then revise that and take more detailed notes on that second playthrough (usually adding to my initial notes and reactions, to see how they match up or change).

It’s also worth noting; C’oretta and Iyna, while part of my EW stories and have parts they take in EW’s plot, and assigned role quests…they are still in Shadowbringers and Stormblood patches respectively. I know the story and lore. It’s my fiction. They’re supporting characters for my WoL, as Dark is, so I can write them where I need them even if mechanically they are lagging behind until I have the time. I do similarly with which of them has done which class/job chain. What parts of MSQ and the Raid/Trial stories the 3 alts take on, compared to Aeryn—my WoL doesn’t do all of it herself.

(Though I do need to push Iyna through the last few StB patches and at least early ShB for general writing project reasons, to refresh myself on canon)

I actually keep A version of my timeline and ideas for the ladies on the blog (spoilers through current content so not sprout friendly). I have others in my doc folders—for jobs, for relationships—as well as all those notes, drabbles, and scraps as I go. But this helps give me a foundation. I can also shift it around; I added the Avengret stuff last year, and Zaine’s service in the Radiant Host only a couple months ago when I determined that was where he received his initial combat training and why he didn’t start adventuring and return to Eorzea until his mid-20s, trying to be the dutiful son first.

So. I play through entirely on Dark. Then take Aeryn through a few days after Dark finishes MSQ. During both, I keep drabble reactions, notes, etc. I kinda figure then, with all the story behind me, where all of my OCs fit into that story, and how. And I do my best to keep track of it in ways that work for me.

[icharchivist]

I haven't played Dragon Age before btw but I think Veilguard looks really interesting. I hope I can get into it despite being a complete beginner

oh damn

I hope you can too.... from experiences while th DA games clearly follow heavily on one another, the fact each entry has it's own protagonist, they usually use it to really go "we can't assume you know what happened previously so here's a run down". I've seen people who never played the previous games get fully entranced by da2 or dai, and i have no doubt da4 will do the same on that regard, so if this is the way you want to go about it, i'm sure the game will be accomodating. and the game does look a hell of fun.

Personally i think it's a terrible idea but i'm also a person who has been living those past 8 years on the incredible high DAI's ending left me on with its major plot twist that literally changed everything, all while actually having been set up for all 3 games that going back to any of the prev game is a treat in term of treasure hunts of how "everything was there all along, we just didn't know any better" and genuinely i'd be saddened by people being introduced by the twist /first/ when the games have set this beauty up in 3 games.

The current promo cycle revealed also very early 20mins of the gameplay (not the very beginning and it skips around on a few scenes, but it's basically huge part of the prologue), and they will throw you into it right away (and there's no way it won't spoil the prev game, like, at all lmao), which is... so exciting as a long time fan, but is going to be a lot of biased exposition dump too.

("biased" bc the person who's going to fill you in on the situation has a history with the character it's about as well and the chara in question is so incredibly built through all of DAI and is such a nuanced, interresting character, that describing him in a few sentences is. very likely to get you the wrong idea about him. *mumbles* not like playing DAI has ever stopped people from being wrong about him, but,)

(Because yeah also 2 major characters/companions from da2 and DAI have been confirmed to coming back, as well as one of the most detailled secondary characters from DAI becoming a companion in DA4, so there's a lot of history there. The concept arts also teased a lot of returns from possible DAO, DA2 and DAI characters as well.

Not to mention they also confirmed the protagonist of DAI is coming back for a considerable portion of the game to "finish their story with [one of the major character of DAI (and possible romance option) that is going to be super important in DA4]" and has been mentioned to have a significant part to play/that sometimes you'll have to play them.)

But hey i'm talking from the place of someone who spent the last 8 years replaying the three games so often i have 700 hours on the first game, 600 on the second, and nearly 1500 hours on the third one (i've been replaying it those past few weeks, i'm 130 hours in and i am still "early" ish in the plot lmaoooo, and i already planned to replay the game when i'm done.), and have diven into everything the saga has to offer, from books to comics to movies to TV shows and webseries.

(speaking of TV shows, Dragon Age: Absolution on netflix was released a couple years ago and it was a great entry. It also has spoilers from DAI but if you decide to still going on with playing DA4 despite that, you can also watch DA:A to see if the universe compeels you to get deeper into. The show is short, 6/8 episodes? And the full cast (aside from Fairbanks being a big npc on dai and the cliffhanger refering to prev games as well) are new characters so the story can work as a stand alone thanks to that. and it's 2D animated, it's lovely)

point is i'm fully biased and the one thing that thrills me more than anything else about the game is really just rereading the pages of lore and seeing how they connect, so while to me the twist is 100% worth discovering in full, it's also just /my/ concern personally.

(and i can't even begin to touch on the specific high i've been on for the past month by the fact the trailer + gameplay showcase already went on to confirm theories i've been having for /years/ and there's a specific type of high that comes from "oh my god i picked that up!!! i did!!!! holy shit!!!" that would be lost on a new player who's introduced to it right away)

but it's MY way of experiencing DA and i think if you want to go into da4 first, esp since the other games are intimidating in some way (and god knows i've tried to drag ppl into DA and they all ditched early in DAO because DAO has some slow gameplay and some slow built before really hooking you in, so while i can't relate i know it's a deal breaker for some people when i say "no please start from the start"), i'm sure you'll still be on for a treat and everything.

If you end up getting into da4 without playing the other games, if you have questions my inbox is opened. I tend not to talk about DA much on main bc i can't stand the fandom esp on here and don't want them to find me at all (which is why every single of my completely unhinged rantings about DA have been confined to private conversation with friends and spamming my private twitter account i mostly have my IRLs on), but at least in term of lore clarification i should be able to help o7

anyway sorry lots of thoughts about it but i've been thinking about it a lot lately especially as i'm replaying DAI and i'm constantly crying just playing exploration phases because i'm just so enamoured with the way the game saga grew and rewards you for caring yaknow? and how as happy as i am people are interested in DA4 because i do want the game to do well and personally i feel in every fiber of my body that it's going to be a blast, but it saddens me to think the whole saga and the way the twists and turns affected one another will not be experienced fully by newcomers.

but again. ranting of a raving fan, and the game itself will surely ease you through it, so don't mind me too much about it.

I genuinely can't wait, my brain has been only DA for the past month.

happy it got your interest though <333

[gobspeaks]

things i could be doing:

playing aai2 (i'm only on the imprisoned turnabout </3)

finishing literally any of the zelda games i currently have half-completed (there are Several and yet the only zelda game i've played recently has been tears orz)

playing aai2 (its very important that i Do This and stop putting it off)

playing sims (i have several projects i'm working through incredibly slowly)

something actually productive (writing/drawing)

things i'm tempted to do instead:

replay aa4 (i just finished it w my brother a week ago)

[trustbravo]

Prodeus fps

#Prodeus fps series#

Now, in regards to community-made maps, I guess it’s fairly obvious as to why this happens, as it allows players to affect the global rating of each map that is presented to everyone on the map workshop. Furthermore, the game also asks you to rate each level, no matter if it’s from the game’s official campaign or from the level editor, which I’m sure is done to help balance out the game. Based on the time that you take to complete each level, the difficulty that you played it at, kills and secrets found, you’re assigned a specific score which is then uploaded to the leaderboards.Īfter completing a map, you’re not only presented with your score and time, but you also get to compare your performance with others in the game’s leaderboards. Obviously, there are also secrets to be found which actually fit into the Prodeus scoring system. The map design allows the player to seamlessly progress through the levels while slaying its many foes. Still, although you’ll find yourself searching for colour-coded keys to unlock access to specific areas of the maps, there isn’t actually that much of backtracking.

#Prodeus fps series#

There is quite a bit of verticality and there are just as many tight spaces as there are semi-open areas where you face a series of enemies. The level design is obviously highly reminiscent of old-school shooters. Now, Prodeus campaign might be short, but what’s currently on offer is quite compelling. There are already a few levels from the original Doom, and even some other crazy stuff, like a truck a surfing map, so I honestly can’t wait to see what people will come up with as time goes on. With that said, at the moment, the campaign is incomplete, but Prodeus already has a fully functional level editor with plenty of community-made maps that you can try out. Whether you’re a hardcore FPS player or someone who just wants to casually blow up some enemies, Prodeus has got you covered. It doesn’t really matter what your skill level is as far as FPS games go, as Prodeus offers 7 different difficulty modes that you can choose from. Ultimately, the conjunction of visuals, sound and the overall shooting make Prodeus feel like an out of this world experience. Even though you can play the game with the original sprites or with 3D models, it doesn’t matter, as the game looks great either way. I honestly don’t think that I’ve ever seen a game with so much blood pouring out of enemies as you utterly disintegrate them. The whole thing is even further exacerbated thanks to the amount of gore that the game has. It’s absolutely stellar and music to my ears. When you first fire your pistol or the shotgun and hear the sound it makes, you clearly get to see that Prodeus has spared no expense in regards to its weapon sound design. It was right at that moment, in the first level, when I got my hands on my first weapon and fired it, just a basic pistol, that I knew that I was in for quite the ride.Įvery single weapon in Prodeus feels extremely impactful in their own way. This is one of those unique cases where you realize just how awesome the game is going to be in the first minute. Then there are games like Prodeus, where right after I finished all the content that’s currently available, I immediately went back and played more of it. There are those games where I play through them once and although I enjoy them, I can’t see myself replaying them. Despite the fact that it only has been publicly available for a few weeks and that it’s somewhat limited in content, it’s pretty clear that this is already one of the finest FPS out there, as the overwhelmingly positive Steam reviews indicate. Prodeus was successfully Kickstarted back in April of 2019, and now, roughly a year and a half later, it has finally reached the hands of players through Steam Early Access. It was merely a week ago that I got the chance to check out the amazing Nightmare Reaper, and now, I’m once again playing another FPS that is quite possibly one of the best that I’ve ever had the chance to play.

[skybluewritings]

Christmas wishes part 3 fake dating au, Andrew garfield!peter parker x fem!reader

Warnings: Drinking

word count:1.3k

18 months ago:

"Oh my god you are so drunk." Peter laughed.

"What's wrong with that, you makin fun of me?" She whined.

He shook his head fondly. "I am laughing at you but only because you're just so-you." Warmth spread through her.

They were near the end of their sophmore year of college. She hadn't seen Peter in two months and had missed him greatly. She had asked if Peter could stay in her roomate's bed whilst they were home for a few days, her roomate had kindly said yes. When he arrived she had hugged him so hard, almost terrified he would vanish.

On the last full day of his visit they had decided to go to her friend's house party. Of course being a light weight she had ended up much drunker than Peter.

"Hey Pete let's do a trust fall!" She yelled as she stopped walking.

"No you'll hurt yourself." He warned.

"Too late." She called, stretching her arms out as she fell back.

Peter dashed behind her catching her before she slammed to the ground. She squealed when he caught her.

He gently set her upright on her feet. "Don't freak me out like that, you could've gotten a concussion."

"But I didnt!" She pointed out.

"Yeah I don't think that should be your take away here."

She turned around stumbling into him and rested her chin on his chest.

She gazed up at him with glazed over eyes. "What is it?" He asked raising a brow at her.

"You're so pretty." She told him.

His lips parted. "Wh-why are you saying that?"

"Because you are."

"I think you're really pretty too."

Peals of giggles escaped from her, she clutched her mouth muffling the sound.

"Why are you laughing I was being nice?!" He exclaimed.

"It's just hilarious to me cause I had a big crush on you when we first became friends." She gestured widely with her hands. "And now we're best friends and you called me pretty."

Peter open and closed his mouth. "You like me?"

"Used to!" She corrected, booping his nose causing him to blush. "Well actually I still kind of-" She gagged.

"Still kind of what?" He choked out.

(Name) bent down and vomitted on to Peter's shoes.

Peter grimaced, gingerly patting her back. "Just get it all up ok."

"I'm so sorry Pete." She croaked wiping her mouth.

"I wish I was here for you more, I worry about you when we're apart." He sighed.

"Why do you worry about me? I'm all good-drunk vomiting aside." She slurred straightening her posture.

"Because you can't help but worry about the people you care about."

"Huh I'm confused?"

He gnawed at his bottom lip. "I'm saying you idiot that I care about you, like alot."

She tilted her head to one side. "Whyyy though? I've never had a friend care this much about me."

Peter groaned in frustration, rubbing his face with his hands. "Because that's what you do when you feel the way I do about you."

She may have been drunk but she understood what he was telling her. Atleast what she thought he was trying to tell her. She was still too stunned to reply. Her mind was split in a hundred different directions. She didn't know how she felt. Whether she liked him as a friend or liked him as more-or maybe even loved him. No not love that was far too scary and big of a word.

"We'll talk about this when I'm sober. We should hurry back to mine, it's late afterall." She stuttered, striding off ahead of him.

He jogged to catch up with her, neither saying much else for the rest of the night.

The next morning (with a pounding head) she lay in her dorm room bed staring at the peeling ceiling. Peter lay alseep across from her in her roomate's bed, his breathing steady and deep. She replayed their conversation from the night before.

When she'd said "actually I still kind of", she had implied that she currently liked him... She hadn't finished the sentence but enough had been said. Did she still actually like him?

The crush she'd had on him those first few weeks had been small and mainly physical. She though it had faded away and turned into platonic feelings of admiration.

There was no reason for her to like him. He teased her relentlessly, bored her endlessly with pro-skating videos, he never wore matching socks, he was always late for everything. And yet.

He may always have teasd her with his wry sense of humour. And yet he never failed to make her laugh, she lived for their back and forth banter.

He may have bored her with pro-skating videos, regardless of her interest. And yet it was adorable the way in which Peter lit up when he was passionate about something.

He may have worn mistmatched socks. And yet the ridiculousness of it made him even more endearing.

He may always be late for everything. And yet he always apologised profusely and made it up to her.

She loved how his eyes crinkled when he smiled. She loved how when he was focused he gnawed at his bottom lip. She loved how whenever she complimented him, he went bright red.

He was just wonderful and she had developed feelings for him. Would he even be comfortable being with someone? She wouldn't expect him to jump straight into anything serious, not after what had happened to his last girlfriend. She only wanted to know if he felt the same.

She slid out of bed and padded over to Peter. "Hey are you awake?" She asked prodding his shoulder.

"Mhmm what's going on?" He mumbled stretching.

"I really need to talk to you." She pleaded. "It's urgent."

"Ok let me just sit up." He yawned, pushing himself up in bed.

How did she even go about this? There wasn't exactly a manual for 'how to: tell your best friend you like them even though you don't know if he likes you back and probably has issues with emotional intimacy.'

"Can we talk about our conversation last night?" She suggested. She perched on the edge of the mattress, not wanting to move too close to him.

He let out a shuddering breath. "Oh yeah that, I wanted to talk about it to."

"Firstly I just wanna thank you for taking such good care of me and apologise for." She mimicked throwing up. "all over your shoes."

His converse rested on her radiator drying after Peter had practically drowned them to wash away the vomit.

"That's ok." He shrugged. "It was seriously disgusting but they'll dry."

She squeezed her eyes shut. "The main thing I want to talk about is not the stupid vomit shoes. I wanted to ask what you meant when you said 'because that's what you do when you feel the way I do about you'?"

He looked down at his lap. "About that I realise out of context how it sounded. I meant that in the way of you're a close friend and your important to me. I'm sorry, I don't have feelings for you."

Her stomach plummeted. "That's great cause I don't have feelings for you either!" She lied. Did she sound too happy?

"Are you sure about that cause I don't know if you remember, you said you used to have a crush on me?"

"I mean I used to be attracted to you when we first became friends which is why I was down to hook up that one time."

He finally looked up at her. "But do you still like me?"

"NO." She said too loudly. "No, not anymore." She nervously laughed waving her hands.

"Cool." He said. "Yup, Cool." She repeated.

The tension from the previous night settled upon them again. After his visit they would go a week without speaking. A week was long for them, considering they messaged everyday. She thought the space would kill her feelings, all it did was give her more to think about how wonderful he was.

Tags:

@prettiestmark @brutal-in-here @mell-bell @spoonerhead @mournthewicked @omgcygnusssstuff @lokisthvr

[mammonshuman92]

- It Takes Two - Pt. 2

(Mammon x Gn!MC)

Genre: angst to fluff (the fluff is coming I promise lol)

Warnings: cheating, not proof read , if i missed any TW’s I apologize

“We’re a little busy right now.” A familiar voice, biting and arrogant, came from his lap. His eyes widened, whipping his head around to look at you in his lap. Except it wasn’t you. It was her. His heartbeat accelerated as panic began to set in.

“No, no, no, no, no.” He chanted, standing up in an instant, causing the succubus to fall to the floor with a thud and a few profanities. As events began to unfold and the puzzle pieces started fitting together; when it was already too late, he realized what he’d done. A hard lump instantaneously forming in his throat. He turned to you, eyes wide with terror, hands on either side of his head tangling in his hair.

“MC..I..I-It’s not wh- I thought-” He choked out.

He followed your line of sight, which was glued to his undone pants and obvious arousal. With shaky hands and fingers unwilling to cooperate, he fumbled with his zipper, struggling to get it up. Arms from behind snaked around his middle, gently clawing at his chest. 

“Shall we finish what we started?” She hummed seductively, staring daggers directly at you.

You shook your head, a sob escaping your lips as a fresh wave of tears streamed down your cheeks. You brushed past Asmo, disappearing out the doorway.

What’s goin’ on..? ...This can’t be happenin’..

He shoved the girl’s arms off of him without saying a word, a scowl spreading across her face. He made a beeline for the door, Asmo quickly stepping in front of him to block his way. “Don’t. You’ve done enough..” With venom lacing his tone, he looked the succubus up and down. He turned his glare on his brother for just a moment, the utter disgust they held was evident, before running out the door after you. As his figure disappeared, Mammon could feel the reality, the weight of the situation setting in.

His heart was pounding against his ribcage, breathing becoming erratic. The lump in his throat was unwavering, choking him as tears streamed down his cheeks. The gravity of it all bringing him to his knees.

“How moving.” The voice behind him scoffed, reminding him of her presence, “It almost seems like you love them.”

His head whipped around to see her, lounging casually on the sofa as if nothing had happened.

“You.” He growled, harshly wiping his face with the back of his hand as he stood up.

 “Stay the fuck away from me!” He snarled.

She laughed lightly as she stood from the couch, crossing the floor until she was right in front of him. “Don’t be like that. Ten minutes ago you were ready to nail me on that couch.” She purred, her finger trailing down his chest, quickly moving lower. Like a flash, he grabbed her wrists and held her hands up in the air in front of her.

“Let me make one thing very clear to you right now. I don’t want ya. I only made out with you and shit because I thought ya were MC. I would never willingly do anything to hurt them.” He glared at her, making sure she caught that emphasis, before dropping her hands. “Your jealousy bullshit, and making moves on me while I’m drunk just made me lose the one thing that has ever been good about me..” He trailed off, releasing his grip in her.

She rolled her eyes, “Why are you getting so worked up over a human? There’s nothing special about-”

“Excuse me?” He growled. 

Mammon has always been the level-headed one when it comes to altercations, believe it or not. He never usually lets his anger get the best of him. After thousands of years of being the scummy brother, the thief, the loser, he got used to just letting people’s words fall upon deaf ears, so to say. But, that was not the case this time. You see, anyone could say whatever they wanted to about him, he didn’t care. He could handle whatever was thrown at him. 

You, on the other hand? Well, you’re flawless. In every miniscule way, you were perfect. That’s not saying that you don’t make mistakes, or drive him crazy sometimes, but to him there was absolutely not a thing about you he would change. Everything you did, everything you were, was absolutely immaculate.

Rage bubbled in his gut.

Leaning in closely, he towered over her, radiating ire. “I’m not gonna sit here and discuss why you’re wrong, seein’ as how it’d take all day, but what I am gonna to say is for a lesser demon, ya might wanna reconsider who you’re talking to. He spat, “Say one more thing about MC, and it’ll be the last time ya speak..” He whispered, glaring at her for a moment before taking a step back.

“Stay away from me and MC.” He warned once more, daggers in his eyes as he turned and bolted through the door.

If he had any shred of hope left, it was that you would talk to him and let him explain everything. He knew it was shitty, after everything that just went down, to even consider the possibility of you forgiving him, but he held onto that little shred of hope. Had he been in the right state of mind, had she not taken advantage of the situation and the state he was in, he would’ve never even stayed in the same room with that girl, much less go as far as he had.

He felt awful. Whether he was so drunk he was convinced it was you on his lap or not, he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. After seeing the horror, the heartbreak on your face; the tears that stained your cheeks because of something he’d done, he kinda didn’t want you to forgive him. He didn’t want to lose you, couldn’t imagine continuing on without you in his life, by his side. But if you hated him now, he wouldn’t blame you. He deserved it. And he would live with it for the rest of his existence, knowing that he messed up his only chance at true happiness; at spending his life with his soulmate.

-

You bobbed and weaved as quickly as you could through the crowd of club patrons, needing to get far away from here as fast as you could, as your impending breakdown was sure to be a sight to see.

You were already so out of it; physically present but mentally, your brain had already shut off. Not quite sure how to handle the current situation. All the faces in the club were just a blur; you could feel the bass of the music reverberating inside your chest, but you couldn’t hear anything. Kind of like when you’re somewhere so quiet, the absence of sound feels so heavy, deafening.

You had to get out of here. Heart hammering wildly, you felt as if you couldn’t breathe; like the walls were closing in on you. A panic attack was setting in. Finally free of the sea of people, you darted out the front door of the establishment, running as fast as your legs would take you back to the House of Lamentation. Hoping that no one else would be home to see you; becoming witness to your unraveling.

-

*bing*

*bing, bing* *bing*

Your D.D.D. continued going off with near constant notifications well into the night. You could’ve just put it on silent, but you just couldn’t seem to move, frozen by heartbreak. Apparently several pictures were going viral on Devilgram, leaking this rumor and that regarding the second born and the succubus. Further making you look and feel like a complete fool.

Mammon had also been blowing up your phone since you made it back to the HOL. He had even come by your room in an attempt to talk to you but once he realized the door was locked, which had never happened the entire time you’ve lived here, he sat outside the door begging you to open it as loud sobs escaped him. As much as you wanted to, you didn’t budge.

Of course you still love him. How could you not? Hearing his desperate pleas and heartbroken sobs was almost too much for you. Although you were the one who had been betrayed, you wanted nothing more than to fling the door open, latch yourself onto him and never let go. But you couldn’t. Cheating is a dealbreaker. It’d happened before, in previous relationships, but shit this one hurt so bad, worse than any other heartbreak you’d had.

He had his faults, much like everyone, but he was so perfect for you, and treated you like you’d always dreamed. This couldn’t really be the end could it? Over, just like that? Completely smitten and in love two days ago, to heartbroken, crying on the bathroom floor. 

How are you supposed to move on from this? He’s your best friend. Or, was. How are you supposed to pass him in the hall, or eat dinner, or have House movie nights in the common room? How are you supposed to act like you're not still in love with him..?

-

The next week was pretty rough, to say the least.

You stayed locked away in your room when you weren’t at RAD; replaying the moment you saw them together, crying until the tears no longer fell; effectively torturing yourself. They’d all come knocking at your door countless times, trying their best to make you feel better. And while you appreciated it wholly, it didn’t help.

Avoiding Mammon was probably one of the hardest things you’d ever done, seeing as how you kinda live together. While it was extremely hard not to just run up to him and latch onto him like you always did, it seemed harder to just avoid him in general. 

During the first few days, he left small presents outside your door, had a couple of his brothers slip you notes, and waited for you after class a few times. After using every ounce of your willpower to avoid him, he left you alone. He still messaged you several times a day though, apologizing profusely, begging you to talk to him.

But, it was better this way right? Like ripping off a band-aid? 

That’s what you’d always heard anyway. Instead of asking questions and demanding answers as to why someone else chose to hurt you, you just cut it off right there, ghosting them; removing yourself completely from their life. Because if they truly cared, really loved you, they wouldn’t make the conscious decision to do something that they know would hurt you, that stepped outside the boundaries of your relationship. Their reasoning doesn’t matter. Aside from living in the same house and attending the same school, you had pretty much ghosted him.

In public anyway. In the privacy of your room, where you could feel everything to its fullest, you’d spend hours going through pictures, skimming Devilgram for any new gossip about the two of them. Re-reading your old text messages, finger hovering over the send button of the text you’d typed out a hundred times before deleting it and tossing your phone, a new wave of tears pricking your eyes.

-

Unable to sleep, he’d tossed and turned in his bed so much that his body ached and one of the corners of his sheet had popped off the bed. With a heavy sigh, he rolled over and grabbed his D.D.D. off the nightstand. Squinting his eyes harshly when he unlocked the phone.

“3:41am” He groaned, tossing the phone back onto the nightstand. He turned back over, facing the empty side of his bed. Sure, he didn’t often share it before you, but once you started sleeping together, he wasn’t sure how he’d ever slept before you came along. It just felt right. Your body molded against his, sleeping peacefully in his arms.

His hand trailed down the cold, empty sheets; the slight disruption releasing your smell. A hard lump formed in his throat as tears pooled behind his lash line. He sat up quickly, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palms. With a heavy sigh, he stood up and grabbed a pair of pajama pants, making his way to the door. If he had any hope of being able to fall asleep again, he’d need some help drowning his thoughts.

He quietly made his way to the kitchen, fully intending to turn up the bottle of Demonus Lucifer kept hidden in the dark recesses of the pantry. As soon as he stepped foot in the kitchen, he froze.

It had only been seven days, but it felt like a lifetime. Seven days without being in the same room as you for more than just a moment before you ran in any direction as long as it was away from him. Not that he could blame you. He wanted to run away from himself..

Which is exactly what he was determined to do with Demonus, had he not stumbled upon you sitting with your back to the fridge, crying into a half eaten container of chocolate frosting. 

Immediately alerted to the figure in the doorway, you jumped up, attempting to wipe at your face as you muttered an apology, but paled when you saw who it was that disturbed you. You slowly sat the container on the counter, keeping your eyes fixed on the man in the doorway.

What was left of his heart, shattered at the sight of you. Your eyes were puffy and red with dark bags underneath them. The same eyes that looked at him with such deep burning love, were now dull and lifeless as you stared at him. You were visibly broken, anyone could see that. He was the reason you looked like this; like an abandoned puppy, beaten and abused. He hated it. Hated himself.

He moved out of the doorway and into the kitchen, freeing up the only way out in case you wanted to run. Not that he blamed you. If he could run from himself right now, he would.

But, now you were in the same room together for the first time in a week and he didn’t want to waste the opportunity. Maybe if he just started talking you would listen, even just a tiny bit to what he had to say.

“MC, I-”

“Don’t.” Your voice trembled slightly as your eyes began to sting.

“Please, just hear me-”

“And what are you going to say, hm? That you’re sorry? Sorry you did it, or sorry you got caught?” You hissed with tears in your eyes. Mammon slightly recoiled from the tone of your voice, a tone he’d never heard from you. You hated being this way; angry and bitter, wanting him to hurt like you did. It was surely petty, but you didn’t care.

“MC, listen, I swear I didn’t do anythin’, okay? I was still goin’ strong from an all night drinkin’ binge, an-and she just showed up in the VIP lounge. I told her to fuck off but she didn’t listen. I was already pretty out of it when things started happenin’ and I thought it was you. I thought it was you the whole time! I-I didn’t know it was her till I heard you and Asmo and realized what happened! She took advantage of the situation, of me bein’ way too drunk..” He was talking so fast, trying to get out the words he’d been wanting to say to you. 

Narrowing your eyes, you stared at him suspiciously.

What if he really didn’t do it on purpose..? If all of that is true, it would explain why he looks so rough..

Having barely stayed in the same room as one another for several days and not wanting to look at him, wanting to remain strong and now cry in front of everyone, you hadn’t noticed but how awful he looked as well. He clearly hasn’t been sleeping well, judging by the giant bags under his eyes. Not to mention that he is also currently awake at 4am, looking just as much like shit as you did.

“Then why is it all over Devilgram that it’s been an ongoing fling?” You questioned, a few tears escaping.

“I would never do anythin’ like that, MC! She’s just jealous or somethin’, I don’t know what her issue is.. But, I-I love ya, more than anythin’ in the three realms. Even Goldie!”

You could feel yourself caving in with every word he said. It made sense, judging by how she’d randomly confronted you after school that day after whispering about you with her friends all day, it seemed like jealousy could be plausible. But what proof did you have? It was his word against what you saw with your own eyes. Not to mention everything on Devilgram.

“Funny, from where I was standing, it sure looked like I was the last thing on your mind.” You hissed, causing him to flinch; but he wasn’t backing down yet.

“Just let me prove it to ya, okay? I-I’ll do whatever I gotta do. Please, MC?” His deep, sapphire blue eyes bore deep into yours; the sorrow, the agony they held was immense. The crack in your armour deepened.

He could see that you were wavering, but that you were hesitant, scared to believe him; to trust him. He couldn’t blame you. If he were on the other side of all this, he wouldn’t believe his words either. He didn’t expect you to just hear him out then jump into his arms and ride away into the sunset. He knew better. He knew he’d have to prove it. He was more than willing to do whatever it would take for you to trust him again, to believe that he’d never hurt you intentionally.

He took a step toward you, careful and anxious, as if you would bolt if he moved too suddenly. He reached out for your hand slowly, reluctant at first but upon realizing how much you’d missed his touch as his warm, much larger hand enveloped yours, you caved so easily.

He squeezed your hand lightly, looking down at your entwined fingers, gently rubbing the side of your thumb. You felt something wet hit your hand a couple times, realizing quickly that they were tears, you attempted to swallow the lump in your throat that was quickly forming.

“Please? I’m miserable without ya..” He asked, voice cracking slightly.

Even after everything that’s happened the last week, you couldn’t stand to see him in such pain; miserable and broken. Just like you.

Sure, he was always stand-offish about his feelings and the like before you got together, but once it was all official, that was it; the walls came down. There had never been a single time that he lied to you or went behind your back with anything. He lasted exactly twelve minutes after buying your birthday present before he couldn’t take it anymore and spilled the beans. 

He’s always a goofball, sometimes has bad timing and isn’t always the best with words, but he’s never given you a reason not to trust him before; he’s never been anything but an amazing boyfriend that genuinely tries his hardest to make you happy.

“One.” You whispered, barely audible. His head snapped up, deep blue eyes scanning yours. You closed your eyes, taking a deep, yet shaky breath.

“One chance. That’s it.”

No sooner than the words left your lips, Mammon was pulling you flush to his chest in a bone crushing hug. Had you not been utterly craving his touch, to be held by him, you would’ve pushed him away. That’s what you told yourself anyway.

“I won’t make ya regret it, MC.” He earnestly swore, squeezing you gently.

For the sake of your heart, you hoped he was right.

~ taglist ~

@ithinkimdekubutreallyimdenki

@maybe-nott

@bandaged-despair

@bokuto7stan

@aliackerman

- part three coming soon -

[amor-immortalem]

An Alternate Path

Genre: Angst

A/N: Originally this was supposed to be a two-part mini fic but people asked about a part three. I wasn’t sure where else to exactly go from there since the end of the second part felt so final for me. But then, inspired by a comment on the 2nd part, I began to think about how it would have gone if Arella hadn’t been revived with Mammon’s blood. Think of this as the bad end to the AU. This is the final part.

obviously spoilers for the lesson 16 incident and for lesson 50 (i think… correct me if Im wrong)

Replaced part 1

The Good/True End

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He sits in his room starting at the dried blood on his hands, heart aching from the loss of his mate. It had only been mere hours since Barbatos had taken her body to prepare for funeral rites but to the Avatar of Greed, it had felt like centuries. Why? He’s asked himself this question over and over. Why didn’t you check on her sooner? Why didn’t you call or text? Why didn’t you notice? Why didn’t you feel something was wrong through your pact?

As much as he wants to, Mammon has no more tears left to cry. His human is gone, never to return and it was the fault of him and his brother. He should have been there sooner. Should have reminded her how much he cared. Should have done a lot of things. He had every opportunity to, but he squandered all of it.

He rakes his hands through his hair as they whys replay in his head. The demon doesn’t have an answer for them- none that would satisfy them, at least. He lets out a yell as grief turns to rage and nothing of value is spared from his violence. Items and trinkets knock from their shelves, furniture overturned, by time the second-born was done, his room looked like a war zone.

It’s only then that Mammon collapses to his knees and lets out a broken wail as he can hear the restless cawing of his crows outside.

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Levi is alone in his room, having shut himself away hours ago. Laying in his bathtub bed, the Avatar of Envy loses himself to his thoughts and the view of the water above him. He can’t help but think about what would have happened if he had put his foot down when Asmo approached him to recruit him in helping his little matchmaking plan for Melissa and Satan.

And then his thoughts focus in on the other human. If she had never come, if they had never welcomed her into their lives through the exchange programme... Arella would still be alive. She’d still be sitting here, playing video games and helping him decide which anime he should choose to watch when there was a conflict of time slots. They’d still be talking about their Husbandos and Waifus just as they always had. But she’s not here. She never will be anymore. All because he didn’t have the spine to act like the older brother and tell Asmo no. Because he allowed his younger brother to monopolize his time.

His best friend is gone and he was part of the problem that led up to that. Levi has never felt so much self-hatred before and, just like with Lilith, he doesn’t know how to come to terms with the loss of another person so dear to him. For now, he’ll just lay here and waste away like the filthy, yucky otaku he is, wishing there was a way he could go back and undo it all or hoping that this was all just some horrible nightmare that his brain has conjured up.

“She’ll be back in the morning... right? She’s just sleeping over at the castle, right?!”

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Beel just eats. He eats and eats and eats to make the pain go away but just like his endless hunger, the pain never stops. He feels so empty inside that the only other option is to gorge himself until he physically can’t hold it anymore and vomits before he goes back for more until the cycle repeats and he runs out of food. The loss of their favorite human is killing him now- the grief of it squeezing his heart like an anaconda.

If he would have just gone to invite her to that new café she had wanted to visit with him only an hour sooner, this could have been stopped. But he didn’t. He didn’t and that’s what cuts deepest. He should have noticed when she stopped coming to dinner, or skipping breakfast, or not joining the student council for lunch day after day. He should have realized something was wrong then. But he chose to ignore it, thinking it was just one of those ‘moods’ Arella had told him about human women experiencing at certain times of the month. He thought he was helping by giving her space these last few weeks but Beel knows now that he was dead wrong.

Who would be his food buddy now? Who would let him drag them all over town in order to try out restaurant after restaurant, café and café? Sure, he had Belphie to take with him but his younger twin never really showed the same excitement when it came to trying out all the different food and drink options on the menu. The demon doesn’t realize he’s crying until the tear drops hit his hands. She only needed one of them to take a moment to see her and none of them could be bothered do just that.

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Belphegor only wants to sleep. He wants to sleep and never wake up again. In his dreams is where Arella is, happy, smiling, laughing. That laugh will haunt his waking moments forever as he realizes that for the second time, the Avatar of Sloth has caused her death. Belphie was only one of two brothers who rejected Asmo when they asked him to help with that damn plan of his. It had been too long since he and Arella had napped together after school or plotted something with Satan as part of the Anti-Lucifer league. How he missed those days.

He can feel the tears pool in his eyes as he curls up into a ball on the bed in the attic. He wonders if he had just stayed up here forever instead of trying to trick Arella into setting him free, would this hole in his chest disappear? As he buries his face into the body pillow Arella had gifted him for his birthday this year, he cries himself to sleep- indulges himself in all the good memories they had made together after she had forgiven him for everything he had done to her.

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Asmodeus is lost. They stare and stare at their skincare products trying to will themself to start their nightly skincare routine. How could they have been so foolish? The passage of time is so different to humans than it is to demons. They had only meant to take a month to match Satan and Melissa up so how had it turned to eleven already?! The Avatar of Lust wants to scream. Both at themself and no one at all. Hot tears still sting their eyes as they shapeshift. They change and they change and they change forms- any number of features forming and then shifting away as they try to find a look that they won’t recognize themself in but it doesn’t work. Asmo’s not able to look themself in the mirror for the rest of the night as they just crash down on their bed. They want to mark up their beautiful body into some hideous to match the feelings crushing their heart. Asmo wants to do something- anything- to themself to experience even a fraction of the pain Arella must have felt but all the demon feels now is just hollowness.

Their phone is vibrating on the bed next to them- a call from Solomon. No doubt he could feel Asmo’s distress through the pact they share but the Avatar of Lust is too tired from hours of ugly crying and most certainly not in the mood to speak to anyone- pact master or otherwise. The phone goes unanswered.

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Satan has his head buried in the books. He’s been at this for hours- there must be a way to bring her back to them! Melissa is with him, bringing whatever books he asks for in his search as she too is eager to bring the lost human back to this plane of existence. There was so much they wanted to do with her. From watching cheesy mystery dramas together to forming a small book club consisting of just the three of them, none of that would come to pass now.

As book after book turns up dead ends, the demon just buries his head in his hands. It feels pointless now. Who was he to play God with life and death? The thought of never seeing his friend alive once more is enough to break the Avatar of Wrath as his shoulders shake with violent sobs. He wants to go on a rampage- destroy the whole city but what would that fix? It certainly wouldn’t bring her back.

As the demon continues to cry, Melissa only wraps her arms around him and he returns the gesture. She runs her fingers through his blonde hair in an effort to calm him and it seems to work, if only for a little while. She pulls a chair up to sit next to him as she holds his hand in hers.

“Tell me about your favorite memories with her,” They girl begins, “We can’t undo what was done, but we can keep her memory alive by sharing the good times.”

And so, they talk late into the night, Satan smiling at all the memories of Arella that he holds close to his heart.

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“Hi this is Arella! I’m sorry I can’t get to the phone right now but leave a message after the beep.... Beeeeeeeeeep”

The sound of his brother’s laughter followed by Mammon calling Arella a dork in the background can be heard at the end of the greeting on her D.D.D.’s voicemail. The Avatar of Pride can only smile with tear-stained cheeks. He was beyond intoxicated, having just finished his fourth bottle of demonus for the night. He can feel the anguish his brothers have been going through all night and it only makes his sorrow deeper.

When Arella first arrived, all Lucifer cared about was keeping her alive long enough to make it through the year. She was unimportant to him outside of the viability of the exchange programme. Back then, he would have laughed at himself for the state he was in currently. She was just a human. Why did it matter if she lived or died if it didn’t affect the exchange programme?

But she wasn’t just a human. She was their human. She was special to him. And now she was gone. There was no second chance. There would be no merging of timelines to keep her alive. Fate was cruel, but sometimes Diavolo could be crueler.

Lucifer knew his longtime friend had a reason for this. He was teaching the brothers a lesson with her death. As much as it hurt now to lose another part of this family, things would get easier as the years went on regardless of how horribly they all would miss her. This was a lesson he and his brothers would not soon forget.

Cracking open his fifth bottle of demonus, the first-born scrolls through devilgram, saving pictures on her profile to be used in the memorial service. One of Arella with each of his brothers and himself and multiple pictures she’d taken with all eight of them from their adventures throughout the years that they’d all been together.

He lets his mind wander back over the last eleven months. All the red flags he had missed with his rose-colored glasses. They all made sense to him now. All the time she spent isolating herself from them, skipping meals, leaving either incredibly early for school or incredibly late for school. She was trying to get them to notice her over Melissa. He regrets their last interaction from a few months back. The way there had clearly been something wrong, yet he chose to lecture her about attending RAD on time as to not disgrace Diavolo. How he wishes he could take it back.

As the only brother save for Belphegor not conscripted to help Asmo in his ridiculous plan, Lucifer should have been the first to reach out to her. He may have been buried under paperwork, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t just sit and talk while he worked. He regrets not calling or checking up on her.

A video plays on her devilgram. It was from one of the nights they had spent up in the human world last summer.

“Awww, come one, Lucifer. It won’t be that bad. We’ll have those flowers from the fairy rings and make it back in one piece. I promise to keep Mammon under control so we won’t cause any trouble.”

The Avatar of Pride clicks out of the app as he feels more tears gather in his eyes. He can’t do this right now. Not tonight.

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Her service was beautiful- Or at least that’s what Lucifer tells Mammon as he and the rest of their brothers return home. Mammon wanted to go, he really did, but with it only being a few days removed from her death, the second-born couldn’t bring himself to go. It wasn’t because he didn’t love her or didn’t want to celebrate his mate’s life but it was still far too painful for him.

Part of him was still in denial over it too. Somehow, he’d managed to convince himself that she wasn’t gone. She was just stuck up in the human world and had forgotten her D.D.D here so he couldn’t call her. The logical side of him knew it wasn’t the case and every time he was reminded of it, it threw the Avatar of Greed into a deeper pit of despair. He’d spent some nights since she’d passed alone, crying himself to sleep begging for his human to come back to him others he would just lie awake, tracing over where her mark from their pact had been etched into his chest, set right over his heart.

Suddenly years have gone by now. His brothers have made peace with her passing but Mammon cannot. Visiting her grave never helps to ease the pain either, but still he goes. If Arella’s spirit still lingers, no doubt she would be upset if he didn’t go. It would only serve to prove her dying thoughts true when they couldn’t have been further from the truth.

“Hey, Treasure... Miss me?” There’s no one here but Mammon and a tombstone. “I miss you... everyday... So much changes every year... Both Asmo, Levi, ‘n Satan got kids now... little girls for them and Levi has a boy...” He pauses to take a shuddering breath as the cold wind blows. “Can ya believe it? The first kids born ta this family and their both girls and then we got a boy... sweet little things too- alla ‘em.  I wish ya coulda been there ta meet them... Actually, looking at my brothers with their kids, it makes me wonder what ours woulda been like, ya know? And I wish none of this woulda happened... you deserved so much better than me ‘n I knew that. We all knew that. But ya chose me anyway and look where it got ya... Six feet under... If I could go back and do it all over again I would. I woulda told ya what was goin’ on. I woulda spent more time with ya. I woulda... woulda proposed... made sure you knew how much I loved ya everyday... I know ya probably can’t hear me, but I’m so sorry... for everything! I love you so much that I can’t move on and I won’t. If I die single then that’s fine by me.”

As he cries, thinking he’s alone, Arella watches from her seat on her tombstone. None of the brothers knew it but she’d been watching all this time. It wasn’t until she passed that she realized how deep their feelings ran and part of her wishes she would have waited just a bit longer before leaving for the human world that night.

She tries her best to let them know she’s there- that she loves them and is watching over them with Lilith, but she’s not strong enough to do more than move small objects around. She hopes that they’d notice but they never do.

As she hops off of her tombstone, Arella crouches down next to her mate. The best she can do for him is conjure a warm breeze as her spirit leans over to press a kiss that he’ll never feel to his cheek. Upon the breeze, he can hear a soft whisper of a reply.

“I love you too.”

And it's that reply that reassures him she’s there and she always will be. He hopes maybe in another life they’ll meet again and get to have the happy ending they never got to have in this one.

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