#Dreaming Walls: Inside the Chelsea Hotel | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

harrykilledmoi · 4 years

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Silence + Noise | Part One

1985. Manhattan, New York.

Noise, a live fast, die young, wild child living in the Chelsea Hotel, meets Harry, a newly immigrated, struggling, young poet in search of inspiration.

This is a story about life. A life so loud it’s quiet, and so quiet it’s silent. Fast and fleeting. It's about music and poetry and art in the filthy dwellings of its creators in New York City.

Rated: M (for language) Word Count: 5.3K Themes: AU, angst, 80s!Harry, Poetrry, love at first sight??? Pairing: Harry Styles x OFC Warnings: drug use + addiction, smoking

masterlist read on wattpad edits

Harry remembers the exact date and time that he first saw her.

June 30th, 1985.

10:34pm.

Although it could've been 10:36 as he was still unsure if his wristwatch was still running two minutes too slow. He does, however, vividly remember the weather.

The last remnants of spring were being washed away with the droplets that cascaded from the heavens that night. He'd thought he'd been lucky enough to leave the rain behind when he moved to New York, but like his writer's block, it seems the heavy clouds followed him across the pond as well. He was in search of inspiration and his small English county could no longer provide that for him. He'd only been in the city for a week but had still yet to find his footing, his place. It was the very words of Ginsberg that brought him to the seedy, down-at-the-heels boroughs of New York City, that propelled him to get on that plane, that brought him to her. Whatever the poets of Gotham were smoking, he wanted in.

He'd been walking down Canal Street that night, the rain lightly kissing the tops of his cheeks, puddles flooding around the soles of his loafers. Why he'd decided to wear the dark leather footwear on a night like that night was beyond him. It was his first official night out in the city, so it could be said that he subconsciously wanted to look his best. He'd spent his first week in the city holed up in his apartment. A corner walk up in an old hotel that rented rooms by the month.

The Hotel Chelsea.

The heartbeat of the city located in its underbelly.

He knew it from literature, from music, from art. He was told it was where artists are conceived, born, and died in a never ending forest fire of pathos, ethos, and on very rare occasions, logos. Swimming in a pool of their own shit and only their own shit, and then somehow making it glitter like gold. He was told it was where the muses lived. Every single one, from every myth and every legend. He was just waiting to meet his own.

He ducks into a dimly lit concrete stairwell when the rain begins to pick up. Soaking through the unbuttoned-at-the-top shirt he'd been gifted by a friend before leaving home. He stands under the small coverage provided by the building above him. Watching as bright yellow taxi cabs wiz by, distorting the already distorted refraction of soft warm light that spilled from the street lamps above. He watches a couple kiss in the rain before departing and going their separate ways and yet, although he was in the presence of such a magnificent amount of pulchritude, Harry was still unable to string words together into a verse that would do it justice.

A muffled cheer sounds from behind a door he hadn't realized led to anything, catching his attention. He turns, peaking into the frosted glass window located in the center of the old wooden door, leaning so close his nose flattens against it and his breath fogs the glass beyond its frost. He squints, trying to get a peek inside when the door swings open. He steps back swiftly, heart pounding, lungs heaving for air, hand pressed to his chest. The culprit, standing in the doorway eyeing him. Platinum blonde hair is the first thing he sees, then a sharply arched eyebrow over icy blue irises, and a cigarette, pressed between two lips painted in a maraschino cherry hue.

Harry struggles to collects himself when she side steps and gestures for him to enter or leave, either way, the purpose was to get him out of her way. His eyes are still locked on hers, swimming the in whirlpool of her energy, feet about to touch the sandy bottom of the frozen ocean within her eyes.

A snap of her fingers in the space between them pulls him out of his liquid dream like a buoy pulling a drowning boy to safety.

"Move it or lose it, I haven't got all day."

Her voice is unlike anything Harry had ever heard before. Although she looked lithe and delicate, her voice held grit and power. With an edge Harry could only imagine the sharpness of.

He squeezes past her through the door, their chest brushing as he scuttles. He dwindles when he catches a whiff of her. Whiskey and cigarettes and something else he couldn't quite put his finger on. Vanilla? Sandalwood? Whatever it was, he wanted more of it.

She scoffs as she pushes past him into the evening downpour, forcing him further than he'd planned on going. He turns quickly and watches her ascend the drenched concrete steps as the door closes, her tall, chunky heeled boots slapping against them like duck wings on water.

He stands there, staring through the small rectangular window at her blurred silhouette. It isn't until he's shoved lightly to the side, and then back, further into the bar by people trying to exit, that he realizes just how long he'd been standing there. In the process he loses sight of her.

The door opens again and Harry is pulled further into the small bar by a wayward group of people. He concedes in that moment, walking through the dive on at his own accord. His mind still spinning with a looped triptych of the encounter.

This was a new experience for Harry, the momentary loss of self in a stranger, specifically supernal, a particularly peculiar case of sonder. He'd had the luxury of knowing everyone in his small town and therefore had not been afforded the company of fresh faces and anomalous auras for the majority of his adult years of life. This was a feeling Harry wanted to relish in, to drink and be drunk on and its catalyst had just walked out the door to indulge in her nicotine laced vice, and in all probability, to not to be seen by him again. New York is a big city. All big, blinding lights and an even bigger populace.

That, however, didn't stop him from nursing an inaudible prayer on his lips as he ambles carefully through the bar, hoping, while trying to keep hold of realistic expectations, to catch a glimpse of the fair-haired sparkler one more time before he, himself, burned out.

The room, puzzlingly humid, dimly lit, and thick with people, carried the stench of old beer and rotting wood. A heavy cloud of cigarette smoke floats up from the crowd and threads through the dank wooden beams of the ceiling. The walls, covered in a deep red, are peeling and fading into a grimy brown, reminding Harry of the rust that sat on his neighbour's old chevy back in Cheshire. The floor, beer soaked wood that Harry was sure could give out at any moment if they weren't below street level.

Everyone in the room was gathered around a small stage made of old skids in the middle of the small space. A woman, small in stature with tousled brown hair tucked under a dark gray pageboy cap and black, thick rimmed glasses, stands on the stage in front of a microphone.

Harry heads to what he assumes could only be the bar. As if the rows of liquor bottles located behind a very well groomed young man hadn't been a clear enough indicator. His look, a stark contrast to the dwellers in the bar. A crisp white short sleeve button up, tucked into a pair of sharp black trousers, held in place with a black belt, silver buckle.

"What can I get you?"

Harry looks up at the bartender, then over to the bottles of liquor on the wall. A decent sized plank of driftwood sits snug in the center of the middle row of bottles. 'The Sick Rose' it read in a delicate, hand-painted cursive, the same red that dressed the walls.

He looks back over at the bartender who is watching him, waiting patiently for his answer.

"Whiskey, neat."

The bartender smiles before turning to grab the bottle of whiskey from the shelf behind him. He grabs a glass from under the bar top and place it in front of Harry before pouring.

Harry watches him intently, taking in every detail. From the way his brows furrow when the liquor splashes up against the side of the cup and onto the bar to the 'nectar of the gods' glisten of the liquid in the glass.

With a tight but genuine smile, the bartender pushes the glass towards him. Harry reaches into his pants and takes out a balled up fiver. He flattens it out on the bar top, a light, embarrassed chuckle leaves his lips before he hands it over, returning the smile with a curt nod.

Feedback bleeds momentarily over the sound of soft conversation drawing Harry's attention. He picks up his drink and turns his attention to the stage.

She's seated on a high stool, the woman on stage, and has a cigarette pressed between her middle and index fingers, the smoke cascading up to join the rest of the crowd's. In her other hand, an old, black and white school jotter with several coloured post-it notes sticking out of every side.

She gets off the stool and steps towards the mic, poised with her book open and resting on her forearm, against her chest. She speaks with candor. Her tone rhythmic, almost musical.

She pauses and the verse rings in Harry's ears. A dull ache pulses through his chest. The tips of his fingers tingle. There's an itch trickling up from under his skin that grows with every word, every pause, every breath.

This is what he'd been looking for. What he had come to New York for. To live and exist as the wordsmiths before him. In a dark dingy basement bar, last legs, glass of whiskey in hand, cigarette smoke clinging to every space. No more thicker than the voltaic energy that has the hair on his arms standing at attention. The baring of souls in stanza, in verse, in caesura, in rhyme. A chorus of pain and lust and life, oh to live a life like this. And now it was his.

He rubs his arm but knows that that isn't what will satiate his craving.

That the only cure lies within the keys of his typewriter and alabaster sheet of 8 ½ by 11.

Harry takes another generous sip of his drink with peeled ears and attentive heart. Hoping that the ability to write something, anything, would strike him like the lightning that had been streaking the sky that night.

He'd almost forgotten about her in the hurricane of poems and poets that swept on and off stage throughout the night. But when he sees her again, hours later, the initial rush of titillation he had felt returns like an unexpected punch to the gut.

He's three glasses of cheap whiskey deep, leaning against the small bar top. The crowd in the bar had gotten boisterous, rowdier, and now instead of poets baring their souls to the patrons, there's a louder than hell band on stage. He's sure they have no idea how to play their instruments but the magnanimity of their outrageous on stage antics made them entertaining enough to watch. The lead singer had broken a bottle over his head and made out with three different women on stage within the span of ten minutes and yet, once Harry had caught sight of the platinum stick of dynamite, he couldn't take his eyes off her.

She's seated in a worn leather booth at the far end of the room. And although there were copious amounts of intoxicated people standing between them, Harry had managed to maintain a clear and direct line of view.

The first thing he noticed was the smug smirk that never seemed to leave her lips. It was as if she was holding onto a secret that no one, not even herself, knew. The second was that she wasn't alone.

Next to her in the booth sat two people, a man, neck full of tattoos and decked out in leather. His dark, shoulder length hair looked as if it hadn't seen a wash in weeks but Harry could admit that the man was quite handsome, in a dangerous, "I'd steal your car" kind of way. The other, a woman, wild curly hair, tucked under a black beret. Her dark skin shown against the dim lighting in the bar and was a stark contrast to the bright red, latex dress she had on. The outfit was soaked in intimidation but the smile she had affixed on her face as she whispered to the object of Harry's full attention, was soft and genuine.

The blonde head of hair whipped around in Harry's direction and their eyes catch each other's.

In a movement too swift for him to register himself, he turns to face the bar, an embarrassing warmth making its way up his neck. He orders another drink even though he already has a full one in his hand. He throws it back, finishing it before the bartender could put the new one in front of him. Harry takes in a deep breath, trying to settle his nerves before turning back to catch one more glimpse of the blonde matchstick before calling it a night, but just like before she'd disappeared. In fact, the only person sitting there was her female friend, the male compatriot had disappeared as well.

Harry can't help but wonder. Had she gone out for a cigarette, or had she decided to take the brooding tattooed man back to hers. Maybe she'll be back. Maybe she wouldn't. Maybe she was still here.

He scans the room before his body propels him forward, a heart over head start of an active search, removing him from the bar and into the crowd on people. Popping up every now and then to see over the sea of heads.

When he finally does spot her again, she and neck tattoos are wedged in the narrow hallway leading to the restrooms. Their chests pressed together as they speak in hushed, harsh voices.

"Neck Tattoos" holds a small plastic bag above her head, a frown etched deeply in the curve of his brow and the edges of his lips. Harry watches as she attempts to grab the bag back from the man but fails, falling into him, her head turning and immediate locking eyes with Harry's curiously impeding stare. Her eyebrows furrow and her lips pucker. Her gaze is intense, hard but it sends a neon jolt of electricity through Harry's body.

She looks away, pushing herself away from "Neck Tattoos'" chest, as she makes another attempt to grab the baggy from him by propping herself up onto her toes. His large tattooed hand wraps itself around her wrist tightly and her eyebrows furrow in pain as he leans closer to her. Harry's body jerks forward as her eyes drift back over to his. His legs move to carry him closer but halts momentarily to size up the situation.

He'd always been someone who thought about actions and their consequences before making rash decisions. Logical and reliable were words that could be said to be synonymous with Harry Styles.

Heck! The most impulsive thing he'd ever done was what had brought him into this very situation. He didn't think a bar fight would be in the cards for him, ever. But he figures there's a first time for everything.

Harry makes his way over to them as quickly as he can, bobbing and weaving through the crowd, trying to keep an eye on the situation all the while trying to figure out how he was going to incapacitate "Neck Tattoos", who looked to be about a whole head taller than him.

The crowd seems to be fighting against him, trying to keep him away but he fights against it anyway. In that moment, Harry likens himself to salmon swimming upstream in the frigid autumn waters. A dangerous journey but to give up would go against their nature. Fight, however, was not in his nature but he thought himself fiercely passionate and empathetic which could be the same, he thinks. Harry finally breaks through the crowd and is within spitting distance of the two just as the snowy haired firecracker winds up and socks "Neck Tattoos" square in the nose.

Harry's eyes widen as "Neck Tattoos" falls, landing at his feet. He stares at the man on the floor before trailing his sights up to the woman who'd mystified him the short time they had been aware of the other's existence.

Her hand whips up and down as if shaking it will rid it of the throbbing that had begun to consume the limb. She bends down over "Neck Tattoos", retrieving the reason for the abruptly violent situation that oddly enough, no one else in the small bar acknowledged. She pats him on the shoulder comfortingly, her smirk returning to its place between her lips.

"Probably should get that checked out John. Broken nose wouldn't do that pretty face any favours."

Her words are firm but underneath it, there was a hint of something that told Harry that she actually was friends with "Neck Tattoos". That she cared about him, although her actions seemed to say otherwise.

She stands, and in the process notices one of her bruised knuckles bleeding. She brings it to her mouth, and it's all Harry can stare at, eyes still as wide as a deer in headlights.

Her icy blue orbs move up from the floor to Harry's face and he melts.

"Thanks for all the help man."

Her blood stained lips spit the sarcastic benediction with the prick of a sharp dagger.

Harry blinks. He opens his mouth and finds it hard to form words with the amount of indescribable feelings rushing through his blood stream, or maybe it was just the alcohol.

She sighs, rolling her eyes, and pushes past him, stepping over "Neck Tattoos", to a door adjacent to them. Harry twists his head to follow her, in a daze. It isn't until a loud clang sounds, the door closing, that he snaps out of it.

The spinning in his head comes to a standstill but the bubbling in his veins is far from subsiding.

His body is moving towards the door before his head can even fathom it. The pull is so magnetic. It's as if his soul had left his body and is pulling him along by hand, it's celestial.

He moves quickly, almost a blur, as he jogs out of the bar and into a dark lit alley. The rain had stopped and had left behind tiny reflective orbs of liquid on every surface that sparkled even in the darkness. He spins to his left, then his right in search of a halo of bleached tresses but comes up short.

A weight lands on his chest and trickles down to the pit of his stomach.

Regret, maybe. Nausea, definitely.

Should've said something.

He spins on the heels of his now drenched loafers with the intention of heading back inside to grab one more drink and quell his overstimulated mind and heart. He reaches for the large metal handle, when something catches his eye. A spark, several. Flickering and flashing to an off kilter beat. Small but bright in the darkness of the alley.

He closes his eyes and takes in a breath before letting go of the door handle. He takes a step away from the door, relieving his filled lungs with an aggressive puff. He's already been reckless thus far tonight, what's one more ill informed decision.

He opens his eyes and takes a few cautious steps towards the continuous tiny combustion. Slowly, hands curled in tight fists in case something or someone jumped out at him. In case he met one of those colossal rodents that New York was so famous for.

When he gets closer and his eyes adjust to the low light, he sees her. Leaning up against the grimy, graffiti filled, brick wall of the bar, cigarette between her lips, lighter in her bruised hand, pint glass filled with beer in the other. A brisk breeze flows through the wind tunnel alley way as she struggles with the lighter. A slick curse passes her lips every time the lighter goes out without lighting the cigarette.

Harry walks up to her, still cautious but fists unclenched.

"Need help?"

Harry chokes out the words but it's enough to cause her eyes to flick up, landing on the smile he struggles to keep soft. He doesn't wait for an answer, instead he steps forwards, cupping his hands around the lighter when she tries to flick it again. This time, the cigarette lights and she breathes out an audible sigh that dances around the smoke as it leaves her lips and Harry finally finds his voice.

"Y'alright?"

His eyes trace the lines of her face that are faintly illuminated by the end of her cigarette. Her soft lines a stark contrast to her hard glare. The corner of her lips fixed in a subtle scowl.

"Could be better."

Harry nods. He racks his brain for something to say. Anything to hold her attention for just a little while. Anything to keep this energy, au courant, from fizzling out.

If words came easier to him he wouldn't be in this alley. He'd be back in Holmes Chapel, in his makeshift cave of books and trinkets and old wood. With candles that smelt of Christmas and full body warmth, and his family would be just a quick jaunt away.

"You like poetry?"

Idiot.

He mentally curses his inability to come up with something less benign but stops when she lets out a loud, choking laugh. Her head tossed back in sweet amusement.

"Do I like poetry?"

She forces out through her chuckles.

"Is that a line?"

Her eyebrow peaks as she takes another drag of her cigarette then blows the smoke in Harry's direction. He blinks rapidly, the smoke causing his eyes to gloss over.

"You don't have to try so hard. If you wanted to take me home then all you had to do is ask. You're pretty and honestly I'm not picky."

Harry's eyes widen as he shakes his head, his eyes darting to a piece of soaked garbage on the cement, a candy wrapper.

Never had he met a woman so forward, so unapologetically crass and yet, still so enthralling.

"S'not what I want," he sucks his bottom lip into his mouth. His front teeth press down so heavily he thinks he might've drawn blood.

"Really?"

She flicks the ash of her cigarette and brings it back up to her lips. A crooked smile cause the smoke to exit her mouth from the side rather than in Harry's face. He nods, it's subtle, but she acknowledges his answer.

"Doesn't seem like it. You've been watching me all night and when people do that it usually means one of two things. One, you want to fuck them or two," she take another drag, "you're a perverted stalker."

Harry's attention snaps back at her.

"M'not a stalker."

She steps closer to him, her body flush with his.

"I believe you," her voice is soft as her hand runs down Harry's shirt collar, fingers hovering just above where his exposed skin starts and not stopping its descent, "and that's sad because I'm sure we would've had a good time. Never done it with one of the Queen's sons before. Guess I won't be crossing that off my bucket list tonight."

She steps away from him and flicks her cigarette. It hits the wall causing the cherry to burst and glowing ash to trickle down like fireworks on the fourth of July. She walks past him towards the door but pauses before opening it. Looking over her shoulder at him, she shakes her head and laughs before disappearing into the building.

Harry stands alone in the alley. His body quivers with shock, with fear, with sheer excitement.

His heart was beating in his ears. His head, a spinny, dizzying top, unrelenting in its momentum.

He attempts to steady his breathing as he leaves the alley, stepping onto the sidewalk. The streets no longer bare as the patrons of bars and clubs alike pour out, where they'd follow the call of the rest of their night. An after party here, a quick, regrettable in the morning fuck there.

Harry bobs and weaves through people, still high off of the sheer aura of the woman. Missing a step and nearly eating shit as he descends down the stairs into Canal Street station.

He dawdles through the station, stopping to take a look at some of the musings of urban philosophers in permanent marker on the walls. Declarations of love and lust, names of places and people, numbers if you're in need of a good time.

"I'm sure we would've had a good time."

He checks his pockets for his wallet or some change when he gets to the pay toll but comes up short. He throws his head back and sends a curse out to the universe.

A chime sounds and Harry double times his pace, looking left and right before hopping over the turnstile. All but flying down the steps, he glides into the train just as the doors begin to close, narrowly missing his torso.

He catches his breath as he looks around the near empty train car for a seat. An elderly woman with a small buggy filled to the brim with groceries offers him a soft smile to which he returns as her makes his way to the far end of the car.

He takes a seat, his back to the window. He clasps his hands together as the train enters the tunnel. His body shakes and rumbles with the movements of the vehicle as a loud, low whistle fills the space around him.

He leans back, resting his head against the glass with eyes closed. Words bloom behind his eyelids like spring flowers but refusing to link together like a daisy chain to create anything worth writing down. His lips part as a heavy sigh floats past them. The train comes to a halt as his eyes open with the door.

His eyes shift to the doors as the elderly woman makes her way slowly off the train.

She passes and when she's clear of his line of view, a glimmer of pale blonde catches his eye.

A few blinks and a double take help clear his vision.

There she is. Sitting at the other end of the train, head bobbing back and forth to the tempo of whatever tune is floating through the headphones that are snug around her ears. A bright red portable cassette player rests on her lap, legs clad in houndstooth.

Although she was quite a distance away from him, he could see her now. Really see her. Her hair glows in the fluorescent subway lights and Harry is like a moth to a flame.

When she stands to get off the train, he does as well. Stepping out of the train a few doors down from her. On the wall, in mosaic tile is the name of the station, his stop. He heads towards the stairs, staggering his pace to stay a few feet behind her.

She walks with purpose, with power. A strut that says stay the fuck out of my way.

When they make all the same turns Harry chalks it up to more than coincidence.

Divine intervention maybe? Not likely.

As they both close in on the hotel, Harry decides that he's going to say something. But when she stops abruptly in her tracks, it throws him for a loop. His legs, not quite registering what was happening, continue to bring him forward and closer to her than he'd planned. She spins around quickly, her eyes landing directly on his as he stops a few steps away from her.

"Are you following me?"

She points a sharply manicured finger at him. Harry steps back, shaking his head. He holds up his hands in surrender.

"M'not. I swear, it's just a-"

"Pervy stalker," a sing-song lilt carries the accusation from her mouth to Harry's ears.

Harry's eyebrows furrow.

"I live here?" It's a question more than a statement. He points to the building.

"You sure? You don't seem so sure."

Harry clears his throat as his hands fall to his sides.

"I do, I live here."

She raises an inquisitive eyebrow.

"Where's your key?"

Harry sighs, defeated.

"Was in my wallet, but I lost it."

"Your key?"

"My wallet."

She hums, nodding slowly. Her eyes narrow as she leans forward. She steps back and turns on her heel.

"Sucks."

She approaches the front door of the hotel, putting her key in the lock. She pulls it open with brute force before looking over at Harry, who's standing in the middle of the sidewalk, alone.

"Well are you coming or what?"

He nods quickly as he breaks into a light jog. Slipping past her through the door she'd holding open with her back.

As they begin their ascent up the main square spiral staircase Harry can't help but let his mind wander. Questions bounce around his mind and on to his tongue like a diving board. A deep dive, cannonball wave pool displaces his quietness.

"What's your name?"

It's soft but she hears him.

"Noise."

Her voice echoes off the walls, stinging like a sour note.

"Noise? Your parents couldn't have possibly-"

"They didn't," she cuts him off with an over shoulder smirk so devious Harry could swear for a split second he'd seen the devil himself. Afraid to ask anymore questions he stays quiet.

They reach the 4th floor and she stops, turning around the face him.

"This is me," she points to a bright teal door, the number 412 affixed to the center in bold brass.

Harry nods.

"Where're you headed?" She asks.

"512," his answer is curt as he keeps his eyes on the ground.

"Not sure how you're gonna get in without a key. You might just have to sleep in the hallway until maintenance comes in the next few hours."

Harry groans but nods, wishing her a goodnight, frustrated that he wouldn't he able to sleep in his own bed tonight.

He turns and begins to continue up the stairs.

"Hey 512," Noise calls out. Harry stops mid step and turns around to a mound of black leather being tossed in his direction. He fumbles when it hits his chest but catches it, his wallet.

"Welcome to New York."

Harry watches as she slides through her front door. His eyes narrow but the corner of his mouth lifts as he jogs the rest of the way to his apartment.

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sesiondemadrugada · 2 years

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Dreaming Walls: Inside the Chelsea Hotel (Maya Duverdier & Amélie van Elmbt, 2022).

#dreaming walls: inside the chelsea hotel #chelsea hotel #maya duverdier #amélie van elmbt #joachim philippe #virginie surdej #julie naas #alain dessauvage

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bobbyboops · 4 years

Text

Broken Pieces

Hello to this beautiful community! I hope you are all having a great Wednesday! I have written my first ever fanfic. It is an angsty piece about Bobby x MC. Give it a read if you are so inclined! I am also including a link to the playlist I made to go along with it. I hope you all enjoy! https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/broken-pieces/pl.u-r2yBDkqsAV9rDA

Bobby walked into his Hotel room, fresh tears still streaming down his delicate freckles. He had just been voted off of Love Island, and subsequently lost the only girl who had meant something to him in a long time. He closed the door behind him, and was met by complete silence. Something that he hadn’t really experienced in the last 29 days, and something that scared him more than anything because there was absolutely nothing to distract him from the waves of grief that he had been able to hold mostly at bay over the last 2 weeks, but that were crashing down unrelentingly now. He took off his shoes and sat down on the king sized bed cradling his head in his hands. He closed his eyes and once again replayed the last 4 weeks in his mind. Trying to piece together for the millionth time just what had gone so terribly wrong. How he had let his soulmate slip so easily from his hands.

POV: Bobby

I knew early on she was so much more than just a crush. She was my dream girl. Of course she was beautiful to look at, but I was all too familiar with the fact that beauty was only skin deep, and often (though not always) the most beautiful girls on the outside are the ugliest on the inside. The most beautiful thing about MC was her personality, she had banter for days, she treated everyone in the house with love and respect, and when tensions were high she was there putting out all of the little fires around the villa. Best of all she never made me feel like I was a nuisance, she was always up for a chat, or one of my stupid pranks. She never made me feel like I was inferior to the rest of the guys (which I could see I clearly was.) How was it possible that a girl as perfect as her could see parts of me that I had kept so perfectly hidden? She made it so easy to bring down my walls, but at the same time made me want to build them up higher because there was just no way it could be real. I was preparing myself mentally for her to walk away at any time.

I could tell she was feeling a little bit skittish after what Rocco had done to Lottie, she had told me on our date in the vineyard that she was worried it was going to happen to her. She confessed to me that she had been burned in the past, and I could tell there was more to the story, but I didn’t want to push her to tell me before she was ready. Getting called out as the biggest player of the season hadn’t been the best way to instill faith in my character, and I had only made everything worse by playing up to it. I thought everyone would find it as absurd as I had, and therefore joking about it would solve the problem, but I could see MC was clearly feeling anxious about it all. I was almost certain I had blown it, and honestly I wouldn't have blamed her, as someone who had been blindsided and hurt so many times in the past I probably would have understood better than anyone. But for some reason she had still chosen to continue getting to know me, much to my relief.

That relief was short lived though as I could see Lucas wasn’t ready to give up on the chase. I could see him staring at MC all the time, his eyes following her like a predator tracking its prey everywhere she went. MC had never shown much interest in him… at least not in front of me. But at the next re-coupling he stood up and called her name. She wandered over to me first, offering me some reassurance, but I was slowly starting to unravel.

Waking up the next morning to her angelic face letting me know that the girls were going away had only made everything worse. I hadn’t had the chance to have a talk with her and get an idea about where her head was at. Obviously she still fancied me at least a little if she was willing to wake me up and say a private goodbye… right? But what if her head was at least starting to be turned? As she made her way out to the jeeps waiting below it dawned on me that they were most likely headed to Casa Amor. A chill ran down my spine, and I ran down the stairs trying to catch them before they left. I wanted to make sure she would know that I was going to be waiting patiently by the door until their return. That I would be waiting for her, but as I opened my mouth, Lottie slammed the door and the jeeps pulled away, and my cracks were beginning to show.

I couldn’t control my anxiety after she came back from Casa Amor. Though she had shown up single, and she had been so reassuring that first night back even suggesting we couple back up, I was immediately on self destruct mode. I had asked Lottie to share a bed that first night, and I still can’t work out what possessed me to utter that invitation. Seeing the immediate hurt spread across MC’s perfect face kept me up the entire night. Even though Lottie had ultimately turned me down, I knew I had just sewn another seed of doubt in MC’s already cautious mind. I could feel her slipping away, and my anxiety was the driving wedge pulling us farther apart. I just couldn’t pull myself out of it. I had avoided her for most of the next day, I didn’t know what to say, and I was worried I would say something to further damage our relationship.

Later that evening instead of being able to couple up with her, we were forced to save other islanders. She chose to save Lucas, which had only made me spiral further, and wonder if there was more than meets the eye. Maybe Lucas hadn’t been lying when he said that MC had shown interest in him. I had lunged at him at the time, only to be grabbed by Noah and Lucas by Rahim. My head had been such a mess between the guilt I felt over operation NOPE, knowing that had been the catalyst to the disaster recoupling. Also knowing that Lucas was going full force for my girl. I’m not an idiot, I know how dangerous he is in this game. He is the epitome of everything most girls are looking for. Well mannered, successful, good looking with that slight bad boy vibe that seems to bring girls to their knees. I knew I paled in comparison. I am a goofball, poor, and average looking at best. MC had never seemed interested, but maybe she had just been trying to spare my feelings. Maybe I was really just her “pity case and safe choice” as Lucas had so generously pointed out.

The next morning I woke up and asked for a volunteer to help with breakfast, hoping against hope that MC would volunteer, but Lottie’s hand shot up so fast that MC didn’t even get the chance. I tried to not show the disappointment that was exploding out of my chest. MC looked slightly annoyed, but Lottie was always so hot tempered, and didn’t take well to not getting her way. I just didn’t want to get into it this early in the morning, so I wasn’t going to tell her no.

Lottie announced MC entering the kitchen, and I turned around just in time to see MC saunter into the kitchen wearing a leopard print bikini. My heart was hammering out of my chest, and I could barely think straight. “I’m bound to be hit with a sugar rush soon, because that look is so sweet.” Damn that was a lame compliment, but MC took it gratefully. I offered her some pancakes, and Lottie covered them with maple syrup in the shape of a pentagram. MC quickly stuffed a giant bite into her mouth and hummed her approval.

“Bobby, this is delicious. What has inspired all this then?” She said with that dazzling smile of hers.

“I think we all deserve it, and I’m feeling really optimistic.” I replied.

She went on to compliment me by saying the thought what Lottie and I did for Noah and Hope the night before was sweet. I rattled something off about them being the real deal, which I didn’t believe fully. Noah had been insufferable the whole time the girls were at Casa Amor, and Lottie had already saved him. I honestly couldn’t fathom having to spend the rest of the summer with a dark cloud of a pouting Noah around. If my pal enjoyed life on a leash who was I to say otherwise? I had already tried and failed to save him once.

“It will be totally worth it if Noah and Hope get to re-couple, and everyone else is perfectly matched up.”

I wanted to retract the words as soon as they had escaped my lips. Why did I say something so stupid? I saw the confusion and hurt spread across MC and Lottie’s faces.

“Really? What makes you say that?” MC asked with a shaky voice.

“It’s obvious Gary picked Chelsea because he fancies the pants off her.”

Dammit this word vomit that comes when I am feeling anxious and insecure is just digging my grave. I was silently hoping MC would say something, anything just to show me that maybe I still had a fighting chance, but I knew I had just planted the final seed of doubt in MC’s mind. She would never let her guard down at this point. I just had to open my big mouth.

I thought about just swallowing what little pride I had left and try to fix what I had just broken. Let MC know that she was the only girl I had fancied at all this whole time. Tell her that I was falling in love with her but I was terrified I was never going to be enough to keep her. But just as soon as I went to open my mouth Lottie all but tackled me to the ground trying to get to the sink. She was clearly pissed off by my comments about Gary, and when I looked up MC was gone.

I knew then that I had just screwed myself over, I had lost my chance. But if she could be happy with Lucas I couldn’t stand in her way… right? My anxiety was crashing down hard, and my heart couldn’t bear a rejection at this point, not from her. I had successfully friend zoned myself again, resigned myself to live in my own personal Hell and watch the girl that I had fallen head over heels in love with slip from my grasp and into the arms of a man who was never going to love and appreciate her the way I did. And I knew I had no one to blame but myself.

The last week had been utter torture, watching Lucas and MC get closer. Looking through the window of the villa I could see his hands massage her shoulders in the kitchen as she made dinner, I couldn’t peel my eyes away as he kissed her gorgeous full lips. I was drinking shot after shot, just trying to ease my pain.

I couldn’t help myself during my toast, I had already downed too many drinks and my judgment went out the window. I let it slip that Lucas was a lucky man, and MC deserved better. MC had given me a quizzical look, but I was too much of a coward to just admit that being apart was killing me.

Next a new batch of hyenas entered the villa and caused so much unnecessary drama. I knew MC was stuck in the middle of it, because none of the other girls cared enough about anyone other than themselves and it killed me. When I offered to help the girls all yelled at me to get out. I was barely holding it together, and all this fighting was just making everything so much worse. I was desperately trying to hold off the panic attack that I could feel creeping it’s way in. Eventually I found myself by the pool, looking blankly off into the distance and trying to focus on my breathing as the girls screeched at each other in the background.

Finally by some miracle silence fell across the villa, and my ragged breathing began to even out. At least until I heard her soft voice ask if she could join me. She kicked her shoes off, and dipped her feet into the pool. A few strands of her hair tickled against my cheek as a gust of wind made its way through the villa bringing her familiar scent to my nostrils. She was so close to me, and I was struggling to think straight.

I was so grateful for her company, and she had such a calming presence as she reassured me that nothing was my fault, encouraged me to just have some fun. She reached her delicate hand into the pool and splashed me, shaking my head like a puppy I reached down to splash her back. My heart swelled to think she still at least cared about me enough to come try and fix my problems. I told her that she meant a lot to me, which almost made her look sad, but only for a moment. A warm smile quickly etched across her face, and the closeness and familiarity of having her near was putting all sorts of bad thoughts into my mind. Dangerous thoughts. I quickly excused myself, and left her sitting by the pool. She seemed off, but I figured it was probably just all of the fighting getting to her, and as much as I wanted to be the one to fix it for her I just didn’t trust myself to be around her for an extended period of time. I had already ruined our relationship, I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship as well. I couldn’t lose her, not completely.

Lucas chose her at the next re-coupling, Hannah and Henrik re-entered the Villa. Days were starting to blur together. Everyday moving incredibly slow and painful. Finally the final nail in my coffin, watching MC call out Lucas’ name in the final re-coupling. I felt numb inside, I had always been Good at hiding my emotions, tamping them down until I just felt empty inside. That and humor had been my defense mechanisms pretty much my whole life, but no matter how hard I tried my feelings refused to be numbed. It felt like I was bleeding out, but incredibly slowly like death by 1000 cuts.

Hannah chose me, and I tried my best to seem enthusiastic, but this new version of Hannah was even worse than the original. She was clearly here with a game plan, and that was to stir up more drama, get her petty revenge on Lottie, and then play savior when she “was a good friend” and picked her consolation prize in me. I was hoping and praying we would be the next couple out. I wanted so bad to just go home and lick my wounds in peace, but unfortunately Marisol and Graham were first followed by Jo and Ibrahim. How long was I going to have to endure this?

Finally this morning we had found out we were going to be having a Prom. Hannah had volunteered MC to help me write my speech for her, and to my complete surprise MC accepted. This was the closest contact we had had in days and my whole body felt like it was on fire. I was struggling to keep myself in check, she looked so gorgeous, and I just wanted to grab her and kiss her with everything I had. Everything felt awkward, I didn’t know how to behave, and clearly she didn’t either. When I finally made eye contact, her eyes looked so tired, and hollow. All of her playfulness was gone, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what was wrong. Didn’t she get exactly what she wanted?

I was so busy trying to figure out what was wrong with MC that my speech was utter rubbish. Every suggestion I made was wrong, and I just couldn’t bring myself to care. All I cared about was MC and trying to figure out what had taken away that signature sparkle out of her eyes. She and Lucas seemed to be getting along well, Lucas sure liked to lay it on thick, and MC seemed grateful for the attention. Maybe there was more girl drama? I couldn’t put my finger on what could have made that beautiful smile leave her face. I longed to see her eyes crinkle as she smiled, hear that beautiful laugh escape her perfect lips, and more than anything I wanted to be the guy that made her do it, but I knew I had to let her go. Let her be happy. Even if it wasn’t with me.

Later that evening she came out wearing a beautiful white gown with glittery cutouts all over her torso, and beautifully deep cut to see her perfect chest on display. I could barely breathe. I met her eyes for a moment and smiled before we both looked away. Hannah had given me a death glare so many times because she always caught me staring but I honestly didn’t care.I spent the entire evening downing drink after drink, anything that I thought could numb the pain of watching Lucas’ hands hold so tight to the love of my life. But nothing helped.

Finally we gathered around the fire pit, I was praying they would vote us out. Please God let them send us home. I can’t fathom another night of sharing a bed with Hannah, watching Lucas curl around MC, and pretending that I wasn’t dying inside. The votes came back and by some miracle we were on the chopping block. After 20 minutes of painful deliberation the text came in and it was announced that Hannah and I had been voted out. Relief flooded through me like a tsunami. Finally I was being set free. MC made a b-line directly for me. Throwing her arms around me “I’m going to miss you so much!” “Me too” was all I could mutter. Hannah had asked MC to help her pack. I was desperately hoping she would come help me, so I could say my final goodbye in private, keep some form of dignity, but MC followed Hannah into the dressing room.

We finally made our way outside, and Hannah chided me about only having 10 pairs of boxers to pack after I joked about her taking so long packing. I couldn’t imagine she had that much to pack either… She hadn’t been here that long… Just saying. I couldn’t focus on her speech at all, and honestly I didn’t really care to hear what she had to say. I was desperate for MC to know the truth, and I just knew I had to rip the bandaid off. I knew it was selfish, that I should just let her go, let her be happy. But all rational thought went out the window, and I prepared to let the word vomit ensue.

Tears had already began stinging my eyes as I started my speech. MC was avoiding my gaze, but I had to get this off my chest if I was ever going to recover from this.

“I didn’t find love here, or at least couldn’t hold on to it.” Her eyes shot up to mine in complete shock, and I maintained that eye contact.

“If it could have been anyone, it would have been you.” I leaned in close, resting my hand on her shoulder. “Do me a favor… Win.” Her eyes searched mine for answers I didn’t have the strength to give her, but before she could open her mouth to respond I grabbed the handle of my suitcase and I walked away. I was too much of a coward to let her reject me to my face.

The entire car ride over to the Hotel had been painful, Hannah was furiously raging at me for outing my feelings. She dumped me right on the spot, which was honestly a relief. I didn’t have it in me to let her down gently.

Which brings us back to where we began. I had to stop thinking about this. I was driving myself crazy trying to figure out why I could never be enough. I had clearly been sitting here for a while. I looked at the clock beside the bed. 3:30 AM I got up stretching. I walked over to the window, looking down at the mostly empty streets below me. Wondering what MC was doing, was she awake like me? Did she even care anymore?

I decided to take a hot shower, trying but failing to clear my head of this whole mess. A mess I had created because I was too afraid to be honest with the girl I loved. I had let my insecurities and anxiety drive away the one thing I wanted to hold on to more than anything. I put on my favorite pair of doughnut boxers and flopped down on the bed flipping through the channels until I found the food network. Cupcake wars was on, it had always been one of my favorite shows but I just laid there. Heartbroken, and alone. I must have fell into an uneasy sleep sometime after 5, but I was awoken by a faint knock on my door around 6:30 AM.

POV: MC

The last 2 weeks had been torture. I came back from Casa Amor and hoped against hope that my perfect baker boy was still single. When he walked out of the Villa I let out a breath that I didn’t know I had been holding. My heart burst out of my chest, and we both just sat there beaming at each other. I honestly didn’t care at all when Lucas walked out with that bitch Blake. I couldn’t have cared less, they honestly probably better suited each other.

Lucas was attractive, and definitely the kind of guy that every girl dreams of taking home to her parents. A successful doctor, smart, polished. But I just didn’t have much of a spark with the guy, and he honestly kind of rubbed me the wrong way sometimes. He was selfish and calculating. Even if there was a physical attraction there, I knew it would never work out with him long term. He would grow tired of my peacemaking, and careful heart. My sense of humor would annoy him no doubt, and he was just so… posh. I didn’t feel like I could be 100% myself with the guy.

I had dated boys like that before, but I didn’t like the way they made me feel about myself, like somehow what I brought to the table was just never enough. Boys had always gravitated towards me because of my looks, but usually never stuck around for long. I had been cheated on so many times, and the ones that didn’t cheat always made me feel like they were doing me a favor by sticking around, or tried to change me. I had such a hard time letting down my walls, but with Bobby it was so easy. He would smile at me and suddenly it was like I had never been hurt before. I just wanted a partner that would laugh through life with me, and appreciate me for what I am. Someone who cares deeply about the well being of those around me, who doesn’t take life too seriously, has a silly sense of humor, and just wants everyone to get along. Just once I want to love someone, and have them love me back wholeheartedly and I thought I had finally found that in him.

When I finally got Bobby alone that night I was so excited and thought we were on the same page! He seemed so genuinely happy when I suggested we couple back up, but then that night he asked Lottie to share a bed. I was taken aback, and honestly a little hurt. I thought we were both feeling what I was feeling. Fear and doubt started to trickle into my mind… He had been called out for being the biggest player of the season. Was he just using me? Did he just want to string me along, while still exploring his other options? I couldn’t make sense of anything. He had avoided me pretty much the whole next day, barely speaking to me.

Then that night we were forced to couple up with someone to save them. Lottie immediately took Noah leaving me with the choice of Jakub, who honestly I would rather die than couple up with that laundry sack full of meat. Elijah, who was so insufferable. He talked about himself nonstop and refused to accept the fact that he was a hairstylist, not America’s next top model. If I thought Chelsea actually fancied him I would have saved him on her behalf, but I knew her bringing him back was purely because of the comments Gary had made on the video package we received. Finally Lucas, he certainly seemed like the least terrible option, but I wasn’t really thrilled to be honest. I explained to Lucas that we were partnering up purely on a friendship basis, which he seemed bummed about, but I wasn’t ready to shut the door on Bobby.

The next morning Bobby said he was going to make pancakes and was looking for someone to accompany him. I was ready to volunteer when Lottie’s hand shot out of the duvet, I know she didn’t mean to get in the way, but I was annoyed to say the least. He was already borrowing lip balm from her… am I missing something there? Maybe they are each others back up plan? Lottie had been so stuck on Gary, but maybe she wanted some form of security. She had always seemed more into Gary than he was in to her, and now Gary was partnered up with Chelsea. I tried to shake off the fear, but I just needed some form of reassurance. Bobby could be really hard to read sometimes, between him constantly pushing me to go on dates with the other guys, to barely batting his eyelashes at guys blatantly hitting on me in front of him. I thought we had moved passed all of that, and that we were in a really good place, at least until Lucas came out of nowhere and picked me in the disaster re-coupling… But there was always that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that maybe he just saw me as a summer romance at best, and at worst a place holder until someone he actually fancied walked in.

As I entered the kitchen he spun around to greet me, and immediately complimented me, as he always did. He was so good about that. It felt like we were maybe getting back to normal. But then I complimented him and Lottie on saving Hope and Noah, and he responded by saying he thought everyone was perfectly matched up. When I asked why he felt that way he just said something about Gary fancying the pants off Chelsea. My heart sank, I knew it, I knew he had been trying to politely tell me that he was not interested in continuing whatever relationship we were building. How could I be so blind? The signs had been there all along. He was just too nice to tell me to my face that he just didn’t feel the same way. Lottie was furious and on the war path, but I couldn’t be the one to fix it not this time. My heart was breaking, the boy I was in love with didn’t feel the same way, I had come up short yet again. I gathered what little pride I had left, and exited the kitchen as fast as I could.

I had learned long ago to never let them see you cry, so I sulked away to go cry in the bathroom. The hard thing about being such a tenderhearted person is that you care about everyone around you and you will do everything in your power to fix something for somebody else, but often times people just don't reciprocate the sentiment, and you are often left to lick your wounds alone.

I decided to try and make a go of things with Lucas, he seemed eager to make things work, and I was eager to forget about Bobby. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, but the harder I tried to make things work with Lucas, the more Bobby was on my mind. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to feel anything other than longing. I threw myself into the mercy of all the drama in the house, these new girls were closer to feral cats than women. I had zero interest in being friends with them, but the constant fighting was really getting to me. I was suffering enough, I just couldn’t bear the dumpster fire that the villa had become with all the fighting.

Eventually I found myself by the pool with a downcast Bobby. He was sitting there looking like an abandoned puppy. Like me he gets stressed out by all of the contention. He was blaming himself for everything which just made no sense. The girls had practically hissed at him when he was just trying to help. I tried to pull him out of his head by splashing him with water. A surprised smile crossed his face, and his smile could light up the whole villa. He splashed me back, and told me he was grateful that I came to check on him, that our chat meant a lot to him, and that I meant a lot to him too. I knew better than to get my hopes up, that he just meant as a friend. I tried to keep my composure, giving him a small smile, but whatever bandaid I had managed put over my heart had been ripped off all over again, and all that remained was the fresh raw wound. He looked me in the eyes one last time, and I desperately wanted to throw myself in his arms. Kiss every square inch of his beautiful face, but he got up and excused himself quickly. Once again I found myself crying alone under the cloak of night but this time Chelsea found me. She didn’t ask any questions. I think she already knew the answer anyway. She just held me, and let me cry.

Henrik and Hannah re-entered the villa. Henrik had been such a nice boy, granted I had never shown any interest in him before because I was set on Bobby. But he did bring a certain puppy like energy to the Villa, and it was nice to feel sincerely pursued by someone, but I could never cheat on Lucas. I have always been a loyal person, and my heart honestly just wasn’t in it anymore.

At the final re-coupling I stood up at the fire pit, and announced Lucas as my choice. Hannah announced that Bobby was hers. I tried not to wince as she announced that she was just “being a good friend.” Like somehow Bobby was just some consolation prize. He deserved more than that How dare she make him feel like he wasn’t a worthy companion. Lucas pulled me in for a cuddle and told me he was so happy I picked him. I smiled but didn’t even bother to respond. We only had to get through the next few days, and then time and distance would eventually pull us apart, and I would be able to properly grieve without the constant fear of being caught, and without having to see the ghost of once was strolling through the villa on a daily basis. I was going through the motions at best, but luckily I learned to hide my emotions pretty well. Lucas honestly didn’t seem to care, I think he saw me as a ticket to 50,000k more so than a real prospect.

The baby challenge was such a mess. I have always loved children, and always pictured being a mother. Lucas however turned out to be the biggest diva about it. He whined and complained the entire day, which it’s fine if you don’t see yourself with children. I wasn’t asking him to knock me up, but it was a challenge. I saw Bobby playing with Dale across the pool having so much fun as he tossed him in the air. I stifled a laugh as Bobby attempted a trick shot with the poor doll and ended up on the ground with Dale crashing down after him. My mind betrayed me thinking about how much fun we could have together during this challenge. Thinking about having children of our own. Remembering the time when we ended up on the floor after a make out session and he told me it was something to “embarrass the grand kids with.” It took everything inside of me to push those thoughts out of my mind. He wasn’t mine to fantasize about, not anymore.

Then this morning we were woken up with a text announcing that tonight would be prom. The girls were all excited about the thought of picking out new gowns, and dancing around with their partners. I tried my best to be excited too, but my mind was always halfway out the door these days. When we got the text announcing that we would be writing speeches about our partners, I honestly didn’t even know what to say. I liked Lucas as a person. I could see myself being friends with him after this maybe, but it felt so hollow to say that now.

I wrote my speech as quickly as possible just wanting to escape when Bobby entered the room looking for help. Hannah quickly volunteered me to help him, and I couldn’t help myself. I hadn’t been close to him in days, and I longed for his calm and comfort so I agreed. As we entered the roof terrace I could tell he was so uncomfortable, neither of us knew what to say. He rambled off his ideas for his speech and nothing made sense. It was like he had never met Hannah before. He had seemed excited when she picked him, but looking at him now he just seemed like a caged animal. The happy go lucky boy I had known was no where in sight, his signature smirk was gone, his bright eyes seemed dull, and it seemed like he couldn’t wait to get away from me, but at the same time longed to stay. I didn’t understand why he was so determined to keep me at arms length.

When I came down in my dress I saw Bobby’s eyes on me, but he quickly looked away, and so did I. He looked strait out of a Miami Vice episode, his outfit was so fitting for him. I chuckled to myself thinking about all of the banter we could have been bouncing off of each other, and I couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked. Lucas had gotten a bit snippy though when he caught me staring. Then when we were by the fire pit it was announced that Bobby and Hannah, and Lottie and Gary were up to be eliminated, Lucas knew exactly who he wanted gone. Bobby and Hannah. He rattled off his reasons, and as much as I hated it, I knew the next day would be easier for me if Bobby wasn’t here. When the text came through Bobby looked so relieved. I once again couldn’t control myself and I ran into his arms. Hannah asked me to come help her pack, I was genuinely surprised by that because I had never really considered the girl as a friend, and even though I wanted to go with Bobby I felt like I couldn’t say no and trudged into the dressing room behind Hannah.

Once we got out front Hannah spat her annoyance at Bobby because he made a joke about her taking too long. I was instantly annoyed. She didn’t have that much to pack either… she had only been here for like 4 days. She was just busy playing the victim with her whoa is me act. Hannah would never appreciate him for who he was, and he deserved to have someone who saw the real him, and love every inch of him.

When it came time for his farewell speech I couldn’t even look at him. Tears were already starting to stream out of my eyes, and I was fighting a losing battle trying to keep it to a trickle and not a full blown flood. But then he said “I didn’t find love here, or at least I couldn’t hold on to it.” and my eyes shot up to find his eyes fixed on mine. “If it could have been anyone, it would have been you.” He leaned in close and whispered. “Do me a favor… win.” I thought I must have imagined it, that I had finally gone completely crazy. I stood there with my mouth agape like a fish but there was no mistaking it, he had looked me right in the eyes and laid it all out. My mind was reeling, but I didn’t even have time to respond at all before he grabbed his suitcase and made his way to the SUV waiting.

Nothing made sense, what did he mean?! He had all but told me he didn’t want me… right? He always seemed so chill and easy going about everything. Nothing ever seemed to phase him. Had it been possible that he was feeling every bit as insecure as I had? That we were both too hurt and scared from our pasts to give each other the reassurance that we both needed? Everyone made their way back into the house like Bobby hadn’t just dropped a whole ass bomb on his way out. Chelsea and Gary both gave me sympathetic looks as Lucas led me back into the villa.

I got ready for bed, but I just couldn’t make sense of anything. Lucas had tried to start something with me, but I told him I was exhausted, which was true, but I knew I wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon. I laid there awake for hours the ceiling turning into a projector in my mind as I watched our entire relationship play out like it was an old re-run of a tv show. Analyzing every little detail.

Around 3:30 AM I got up and quietly made my way to the producers room to wake them. I knew what I had to do. I explained to them that I wished to leave, that I had to go after Bobby. They tried for an hour to talk me out of it, “its the last day MC!” “He will be here tonight. Confront him then.” But I just couldn’t wait that long. I demanded they let me go and finally they begrudgingly relented. Next I had to break the news to Lucas. I silently wandered over to his side of the bed and woke him up asking if we could talk out on the couches. I knew he would not take it well, and I was right. He was furious, his face turned beet red, and he hurled all of his anger at me.

“Are you serious MC? How could you do this to me, to us? You are going to abandon everything that we have built together to chase after that.. that. Loser!?” He was waving his arms like a madman. “I mean it makes no sense! I can offer you the world MC, and you know that! What does he have to offer? Cupcakes and jokes?” The insults left his mouth like snake venom.

“How dare you!” I snarled back at him. Feeling brave for possibly the first time in my life. “Bobby is kind, funny, loving, loyal, and he cares about the people around him! There is so much of Bobby that no one in this house has seen, because they never put in the effort to see it.“ I was in his face at this point. “I don’t think you are honestly even mad about losing me, if you are mad about anything its about losing to him… why? Because you are so much better than him right? Or are you just upset about the fact that you definitely won’t be winning the 50,000 now?”

Lucas looked taken aback by my sudden outburst, I think he had expected me to recoil. But I was honestly so tired of listening to everyone in this damn villa talk about Bobby like he was some joke.

Retreating Lucas coldly responded with “How could you be so selfish?”

I knew I was being selfish, but for the first time in my life I was absolutely OK with it. I knew in my heart I was making the right decision for me. “I’m so sorry Lucas, truly. I never wanted to hurt you. I just know if I don’t follow him now I will regret it for the rest of my life.”

“So you have made up your mind then? You are just going to walk away?” He looked at me exasperated. “Well I can’t wait to see this blow up in your face MC.” There was an animalistic spark in his eyes. He had me right where he wanted me, and he was ready to go in for the kill. “Because he doesn’t really want you, you know that right? He’s just looking for the next best opportunity for himself. Leaving as the heartbroken goofball makes for great television doesn’t it?” He practically spat at me. A self satisfied smirk spreading across his face. “If he wanted you he would have said so any time in the last 2 weeks, not as he was leaving like some coward. You are just making a fool of yourself.”

My word that man knew how to pack an emotional punch. I felt all of the air leave my lungs. I knew he was hurting, lashing out with words he didn’t really mean, or maybe he did. But I knew I didn’t deserve what had just been thrown at me. Tears were streaming down my face, there was no stopping the flood gates once they had opened. I did the only thing I knew how to do. Run.

I ran up the stairs into the dressing room dumping all of my possessions in to my suitcase as quickly as I could. With all of the fuss Lucas was causing everyone else was awoken as well I could hear them all questioning Lucas about what was going on. Chelsea, and Gary were the only people who weren’t shocked, they quickly made their way upstairs helping me pack, which was unsurprising since they were the only people I considered true friends at this point. Everyone else was either siding with Lucas, or just staring at me like I had 5 heads sprouting out of my body. I could feel the joy oozing out of Hope as she realized that her only real competition had just self eliminated. But I didn’t care, I had made up my mind, and there was no turning back now. I gave Chelsea and Gary meaningful hugs and made my way to the SUV waiting to take me to the hotel.

The ride there was excruciating. What if I was too late? What if he didn’t really mean it? What if Lucas was right? Could he have just been using his exit for his own gain? What if I just made a total fool of myself on television for the whole world to see? So many disaster scenarios playing through my head. I felt like I was drowning, but I was fighting like hell to push those thoughts out of my head. There was just no way that the Bobby I knew would ever purposely hurt me and use me like that. I timidly entered the hotel and approached the front desk. I got his room number and made my way there. It was 6AM. It’s too early, he was most likely still asleep I told myself. I knew that was probably a lie, Bobby was always an early riser, but I just didn’t have the balls to knock. I paced in the hallway outside of his room for a half an hour, trying to get the courage, and practicing what I wanted to say. Finally I rapped my knuckles halfheartedly against his door. I heard movement on the other side and fought against the thoughts in my mind telling me to just run away. He opened the door and had clearly been asleep. His caramel eyes staring at me blearily, but instantly snapped to full attention.

POV Bobby

I woke up to the sound of light knocking. I wanted to ignore it, I just wasn’t in the mood or head space to be messed with by production, I was so mentally and physically exhausted, but I knew they wouldn’t go away. The knocking would just continue. I opened my eyes enough to get a good look at the clock. 6:30 I rolled my eyes throwing the covers off of my body and trudged my way over to open the door. Would these hounds ever just let me rest? Had they not seen that I have suffered enough?

Nothing could have possibly prepared me for the sight before me when I opened the door. I stood there in disbelief, surely this was a dream and MC was not standing outside of my hotel room right now. She looked like she hadn’t slept at all, I could see dried up tear trails cascading down her flawless skin. She was in her cherrygate pajamas with a grey sweatshirt loosely hanging over her shoulders. I couldn’t find words, I just stood there eyes wide and mouth agape. “MC?!”

“Hi.” she practically whispered. Failing to maintain eye contact.

“Hi.” I returned confused. “MC what are you doing here?” I was fighting the urge to grab her and just hold her close, she looked like a puppy that had been kicked.

“I left the show.... I left Lucas.” she replied blankly.

“You what?” I stammered out in shock.

“You left me no choice… Bobby… did you mean what you said last night?”

I look at her in disbelief. “MC you left the show? I don’t understand. You know walked away from the chance to win 50,000k? You walked away from Lucas?” My brain couldn’t process the scene in front of me, between the lack of sleep and the fact that I was still trying to wake up.

“Don’t change the subject! She snapped. “Did you mean what you said last night? Do you want to be with me?”

She was almost yelling which was surprising. She looked desperate, manic almost, and like she was ready to burst back into tears at any moment. She awkwardly shifted her weight from foot to foot and took a few deep breaths before gaining the courage to continue.

“Because I want to be with you, Bobby… More than anything.” Her voice was back to a whisper.

All of the air was instantly knocked out of my lungs. My mind was racing a million miles and hour, how is it possible that this angel is standing in front of me asking if I meant what I said? Asking if I want to be with her? Surely I am just imagining this, but even so I can’t contain myself any longer. A genuine smile forms on my lips for the first time in what feels like years, it feels almost foreign at this point. But I finally blurt out

“I meant every word... and I have been an absolute wreck without you... I have never needed someone in my life as much as I need you, and it scares the hell out of me because I know I’m not good enough.”

Tears begin to fall down her soft cheeks, and I notice that they are streaming down mine as well. She throws herself into my arms

“You are more than good enough Bobby, how can you not see that you are perfect?” She pulls back to look me in the eyes. “You are everything that I have been looking for my whole life, and you appreciate me for me… imperfect as I am.”

My heart is beating out of my chest, please let this be real. Please don’t let this be some cruel dream. I pull her back and cup her face to look into her beautiful eyes stroking her cheeks with my thumbs. The signature crinkle and sparkle of her eyes has returned. “I love you MC. More than I ever knew was possible.”

“I love you too!” she sobs into my neck. “So much. “Please never leave me again. I honestly don't think I would survive it.”

“I don’t think I would survive leaving you again either.” I smile at her “I just don’t understand how you could possibly love an idiot like me.”

She smirks at me and answers by crashing her lips onto mine. I hoist her legs up and around my waist and carry her into my room. Shutting the door behind me, and for the first time in my life everything makes sense, and everything is perfect. Maybe two broken pieces have finally found their perfect match, the match that will make them whole, the one who won’t look at them like a broken piece at all.

#litg #litgbobby #love island the game #loveislandthegamebobby

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oldfilmsflicker · 2 years

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new-to-me #370 - Dreaming Walls: Inside the Chelsea Hotel

#2022 in Films #Dreaming Walls: Inside the Chelsea Hotel #Maya Duverdier #Amélie van Elmbt #Tribeca #52 Films By Women #Directed By Women

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thatshithurted8 · 5 years

Text

When You Grow Up (III)

Summary: As Y/N’s wonderful day comes to an end, Tom seems to ruin it by asking questions that need to be answered.

Length: 2,259

Series Masterlist

A/N I’ve decided that this is going to be a series!!

--------------------------------------

When you first read the message Tom sent, you simply turned your phone on silent, rolled over and tried to go back to bed. Tried is the key word. You wanted to answer him in the morning when you are well rested and are thinking clearly, but your body had other plans.

After a few minutes of tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable again you groan out of frustration and pick up your phone. As you type away you delete, rewrite, delete and rewrite the message over and over again. You finally send a text back, deciding to keep it short.

Y/N: Marv’s diner tomorrow (technically today) at 1?

Almost instantly Tom responds.

Tom: See you then :)

His quick response makes you wonder what is he still doing up at this hour? Then it dawned on you, he was partying and he was drunk texting you.You grumble as you slam your phone down annoyed, that your ex woke you up from texts he won’t even remember in the morning.

----------------------------------------

“Where the hell are we going?” You ask your sister, Faye as you waddle down a long hallway in a hotel near your house. Faye woke you up early and decided to take you out on a girls day. The first thing you two did was go out for breakfast at your favourite restaurant. Then the both of you guys got your nails done, you opting for a shade of light blue. And now you were in a hotel you’ve never stayed at following your older sister with confusion evident on your face.

“You’ll see in a sec.” She says stopping in front of two wooden doors with a smile on her face.

“Well go in.” Faye says looking at you expectantly once you catch up to her.

You follow her orders and as you open the door family and friends pop up yelling, “Surprise!”

You jump slightly in your spot as your right hand flies up to your heart, a shocked smile forming on your face. You were at a loss for words as you look around, Faye threw you a surprise baby shower.

As the party commences you stand in the same spot, shock still on your face as your mom and dad walk up to you and your sister. “Surprise!” Your mother says, placing a blue flower crown on your head.

You couldn’t believe this was happening. Ever since you were little you dreamed of what your future baby shower would be like, but now that you’re a single mother you decided that spending money on a baby shower wasn’t worth it, when you could be buying Alexander necessities. Your family knew you were secretly disappointed at the fact you weren’t having one so everyone secretly chipped in to fulfil your dream.

You and your parents exchange hugs before you start to walk around the medium sized conference room, greeting friends and family. As you walk around music starts to play and you marvel at the decorations around the room.

When you first walk into the room the first thing you see is a table set up at the wall directly in front of you. On this table are two flower arrangements at each end and the table itself is filled with cake and sweets. Above the table hangs a white stuffed bear holding onto a bunch of blue balloons to make it look like it is floating away. The second table on the other side of the room is filled with refreshments, snacks and games. The third, and last table is stacked with presents on top. There’s blue balloons scattered around the room and a make shift photo booth area could be found hidden in a corner.

To your dismay the party flew by in what seemed to be minutes with all of the fun you had. This is the most carefree you’ve felt in awhile and if you were honest it felt refreshing. You make sure to say goodbye to all of the remaining guests before leaving yourself.

Faye and your parents told you to go home, that they will see you there in an hour or so after cleaning everything up and putting the gifts in their car. You wanted to stay and help after all, they just threw you a baby shower, it’s the least you could do. However, they persisted for you to get some rest.

So currently you found yourself turning into the driveway of your childhood home. Once you shut off the car you remain seated for a few minutes as you lean your head against the steering wheel of Faye’s car with a giant smile on your face.

As you finally get out of your sisters car you clutch your prominent stomach and hum while you walk up the stairs of the porch, looking at your belly. Once your eyes look up they instantly land on a figure sitting on the wooden bench your dad built.

Your smile instantly disappears and you can feel your happy mood diminish when your brain registers who’s sitting on your porch.

It was Tom.

He didn’t look happy as he looked up at you from his spot. “W-what are you doing here?”

“Well I was at Marv’s diner waiting for you, but you never showed up.”

Your eyes widen at the statement Tom made. “Tom I thought you were drunk when you texted me.” You say with a sigh.

“I wasn’t drunk Y/N.” He says while standing up. “What made you think I was?”

You roll your eyes at the man in front of you. “I don’t know, maybe the fact partying and getting drunk is your favourite past time.”

“I was at a party, but I wasn’t drunk.”

“How am I supposed to believe that?” You ask with a raised eyebrow and a hand on your hip.

“Because after Chelsea and I saw you yesterday I realised how much I miss you.”

You could feel your heart wince at this. This can’t be happening, after months of getting used to being on your own he has the audacity to come back and say he misses you? After all of the emotional and mental turmoil he put you through?

“You should’ve thought about that before telling me to abort Alexander and leaving.” You say with venom laced in your voice. Tom was clearly hurt at what you said, but you didn’t care after all, does he think everything is going to go back to normal just by saying he misses you? He has a girlfriend for fucks sake.

As Tom stands in the same spot you turn towards the front door and insert the key and open it. While you take a step to walk into the house Tom grabs your hand and says, “Wait!” A little too loudly, making you have deja vu to Target.

You turn around to look at him, but you look down at your connected hands, trying your best to ignore the butterflies in your stomach. Tom notices you staring and instantly disconnects his hand from yours.

“Can we please talk?” At first you were going to say no, but then you thought about the precious baby boy growing inside of you. Maybe this chat can benefit him.

“Fine, but you can’t stay long.” You say walking into the air conditioned house with Tom following behind you. Both of you take off your shoes and the brunette follows you up the stairs towards your bedroom.

When you guys walk into your room Tom is taken aback at how much it’s changed. While you guys were semi-dating Tom came over to your family home numerous times, especially since it was so close to your apartment on campus.

Once you reach your room Tom watches as you grab a few articles of clothing from your dresser. “I’ll be right back I’m going to get changed.” You say before exiting your room and walking down the hall to the washroom. As you change Tom takes this time to look around your new and improved room. He notices how you got rid of most of your teenage stuff and replaced it with items that were appropriate for your age.

Instead, of keeping the purple walls from your teenage years your room is now beige. You got rid of your bean bag chairs and replaced it with a grey rocking chair. Tom noticed how you moved your dresser to the other side of the room and on top is a changing pad. Beside the dresser is a small bookshelf filled with books from your childhood and framed pictures of Alexander from ultrasounds. On your bed is a giant pillow that Tom thought was a person at first, but in reality it was your pregnancy pillow. The last thing Tom’s eyes land on is the light brown crib beside your bed.

As Tom inspects your room he can’t help, but to pick up one of the framed ultrasound pictures and walk over to the crib. He didn’t realise he was doing these actions it came naturally.

He looked down at the black and white picture in awe before looking into the crib and seeing stuffed animals along one side and a fuzzy blue blanket. He looks up and see’s a baby mobile hanging above the crib. Tom reaches up and touches one of the animals attached to the mobile.

He could already tell his son was already loved so much. So why didn’t he love Alexander the same way as you did with the same intensity when you told him?

“What are you doing?” You ask as you stand in the doorway of your room.

Tom instantly turns around feeling adrenaline course through his veins as he didn’t expect you to catch him. “I-I don’t know.” He chokes out as he takes in your appearance. You took your make up off from earlier, had your hair up in a messy bun and were wearing black leggings with an over sized shirt with the name of your college on it. Despite, the shirt being oversized your stomach still stood out. Tom loved it when you dressed like this and seeing you wear this particular outfit is making the brown eyed boy be reminded to when you two were together.

You simply shrug your shoulders while putting your dirty clothes in a hamper and walking over to your bed. Tom puts the picture back where he found it as you do this. You climb into your bed, getting under the covers, while leaning against the headboard of your bed. You simply nod over to the rocking chair in the corner and Tom silently understands what you mean.

After Tom sits down in the grey chair you speak, “So what do you want to talk about?”

“I think I want to be in Alexander’s life.” He breathes out.

“You think or you know?”

“I-I know. I know I want to be in his life.” Tom stutters looking around the room before finally meeting your gaze.

“Why?” You ask as you fold your arms over your chest.

“What do you mean why?”

You sigh. “Well there has to be a reason right? Just a few months ago you were adamant you didn’t want him and now all of a sudden you do. What changed?”

It took Tom a few minutes to gather his thoughts before he spoke, “When you first told me I was scared and I’m sure you were too, but at that moment in time I didn’t even know if I liked kids, let alone wanted them and then I find out you’re pregnant with my child. I was so shocked and scared that I acted immaturely and said some really stupid things Y/N and I’m really sorry for that.” He pauses looking at you in the eyes and you could tell how he truly sorry he was.

“I’d be lying if I said every day away from you I didn’t think about you because I did. I thought about you and the baby all of the time.” Tom’s statement causes a blush to creep onto your face and you hope that he doesn’t notice it. “I wanted to reach out to you I really did, but I was scared that you’d shut me out. And to be honest after our last talk I thought it would be impossible to fix things.” Tom says looking at your hands caressing your stomach then back up to your eyes.

“But then Chelsea and I saw you at Target and once my eyes landed on your bump I felt ashamed. Ashamed for what I put you through, ashamed for letting you go through this pregnancy alone, ashamed that I missed watching Alexander grow along with your belly. So please Y/N can we do this parenting thing together? I’ve already missed so much please don’t let me miss anything else.” He asks - begs you.

You sigh as you gather your thoughts. You know you can’t let your emotions get in the way for what’s best for your son, but a part of you is scared that he’ll leave again. No matter what your answer is it won’t fix everything, you know that for sure, but if it will have a positive impact on Zander then you’re all for it. However, you will never forget what Tom did.

You chew on your bottom lip knowing what you’re about to say will make or break yours and Alexander’s future. “Yes Tom we can do this parenting thing together.”

------------------------------------------

Tags: @livasaurasrex @bellamyblakemorley @mutuallynotmutual @cheshire-salvatore-mikaelson @badgalll88 @ilyholland @bangtan-serendipity @itsbebeyy @ghostinparker @onelovesr @newleta

#tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland angst #tom holland fluff #tom holland smut #frat tom holland #peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker angst #peter parker smut #peter parker fluff #spiderman #spiderman homecoming #spiderman far from home #Avengers #marvel

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blue-hazewhite-light · 5 years

Text

Character Profile (Music Edition): Saya Iruma

For many of us, music is a source of inspiration for our characters, so I want to know what songs inspire and/or relate to your muse! Choose between 10-15 songs, compile them into an album and tag some friends to share the beat!

Chrome - Recoil

She doesn't want to see you She wants to be seen By the cameras, the crews And the soft machines You want a girl who could suck the chrome

You're so rocked and wrapped in anguish Some little tragedy I'm slow to extinguish Watching the suitors stagger home Now I'm butcher Now you're bone

I'm done with the dark boys

Sick - Chelsea Wolfe

This suffering brings me closer to you And time is broken and moves slow Your pure heart, your white light I should be put to death for ever being cruel to you You washed me clean like no one ever could Come closer now and step right into The wide mouth, the sharp teeth of the one you love I'm not the kind of sick that you can fix Don't you worry about me baby I've got no enemies and I've got no time

Street Carp - Deftones

It's not that I care (Truly) But you're that girl (With sharp teeth) Who grabs at the walls (And pulls me down) Well, here's my new address Six, six, four Oh, I forget

Home - Tides of Man

You were faster than me, You were better than me, I was too careful and weak, It had to be you, And I pushed myself, Beyond the resolve, Just so I could try, To make you relive it, But you were faster than me, You were better than me, I was too careful and weak, It had to be you.

Take me home, in my dream you said that you loved me.

Siren - Kailee Morgue

This could be perfection Or venom dripping in your mouth Singing like a siren Love me while your wrists are bound You've been seeing me in your dreams But I'll be there when your reality drowns

You can pretend That when you hear my voice Darling, it's your choice not to fall in But it's all an act, 'cause I know exactly what you wanting You know it's what I'm wanting Boy, I know what you desire Oh, you're such a bad bad liar

Around the Fur - Deftones

Hey vanity, this vial's empty and so are you Hey glamorous, this vial's not God anymore Yeah

Speak, I don't get it Should I ignore the fashion or go by the book? I don't want it I just want your eyes fixated on me Coming back Coming back around the fur

Lullaby - Oceans of Slumber

It never seemed like you needed me When things are doing fine Now it seems I'm the only one

Who will hold you when you cry Tell me why should I Sing to you these lullabies of lies? Tell me, why should I? Your lies, they dance to a melody A delicate design Beautiful and intricate

Mi Rumba - Sofi Tukker

Call me a pervert, call me a freak I want every part of you inside every part of me (Go ahead let me watch you Watch you watching me Let me call you baby, let me call you queen Let me breath in for you, let me be obscene Let me tell you way too much about me, my queen) I want every part of you inside every part of me Mi rumba I own what I have, I have what I want, I want you I want what I have, I want to know, want to own you

Flashbacks - Emika

I try to forget about you I try and I try I try to forget about you I try and I try You crept in under my skin While they put me to sleep Hanging by a memory That I don't wanna keep

Touch me slowly, take me back Hurt me slowly, take me there

No Light In You - Maggot Heart

How do you worship How do you fill an empty heart

And now the night shift is over And you peel off the layers You can put it in a box Believe you got it locked But it's not

You know it's true No light in you How many holes you gonna dig before a ray comes shining through

Now your performance is over And you push off the stranger Out of all your faces Is there one that you like?

Morphine - Boy Harsher

I I wanna take you down Lies make it hurt You, you want the same thing I wanna make it sting

Alone in my hotel room Alone without a second chance I wanna make it hurt more I wanna make you dance It's like heaven Above It's like heaven above Above She's that morphine on my mind

(Trying to keep this to a reasonable number was super difficult lmfao i LIVE FOR CHARACTER MUSIC.

Tagged by: @placesyoucallhome and @swordmens so I’ll be doing a second one for another OC

Tagging: @placesyoucallhome and @swordmens for other characters y’all wanna do, @rashkah @tinfoil-balloon @ouroboros64 @nightmareslug and anyone else who wants to do it and if you do it please tag me because I, and I cannot stress this enough, LIVE FOR CHARACTER MUSIC)

#OC meme #sayaesthetic #ffxiv RP meme

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profoundnet · 6 years

Text

Profound Member Post - January 2019

Header by @cryptomoon and is available on merch from her redbubble store. You can use all those fancy emojis (and more!) on our Discord Server!

The Masterpost is open for all creations by ProfoundBond members which are posted in entirely during that month.

MEMBER CONTRIBUTIONS FOR JANUARY 2019!

Masterpost below the cut.

drawlight - drawlight

Autobiography of Black

Summary: Castiel knows all human languages; Dean has never been particularly good with words. (Or: an examination of pies and stars.)

Tags: Falling in Love, First Time, Feelings Realization, Pining, Romance, Food, Bakery

NSFW

J Train

Summary: If you want to be somebody, you have to go to the Chelsea Hotel. In 1979, aspiring writer Castiel Novak takes room 109. His roommate is not quite what he expected.

Tags: Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Pining, Falling In Love, Alternate Universe - Human, Writer Castiel

NSFW

mittensmorgul - @mittensmorgul - MittensWraith (Pillowfort)

Endings Are Easy

Summary: They all finally get a happy ending. Michael’s gone forever. Amara, of all people, stepped in and claimed him for herself. She figured it was her due, and her duty, to finish off that one last cosmic imbalance herself. She’d given Dean what he’d really needed the first time she’d departed, but now she decided to help Dean get what he really wanted . They were two different things entirely. Episode 14.10 coda fic, of a sort, with an endgame series twist.

Tags: fluff, happiness

SFW

Makeshift

Summary: It's Dean's 40th birthday, a major milestone for pretty much everyone, but for Dean it means a little something more.

Tags: fluff, happy 40th birthday Dean

SFW

MaggieMaybe160 - @maggiemaybe160 - MaggieMaybe160 (Pillowfort)

Heaven’s Orders

Summary: Castiel finally tells Dean about Naomi torturing him (Season 9)

Tags: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD

SFW

Angel’s Touch

Summary: Zachariah gave Dean stomach cancer and took away Sam's lungs. He fled before healing either Winchester. Cas helps Dean the best he can.

Tags: Major Character Death, Cancer, Sick Dean Winchester

SFW

The Only Way To Die

Summary: Dean's been handed the last book. The book that says the only way he can die that isn't by Michael taking over. Cause of Death: By the hand of Castiel, Angel of the Lord

Tags: Major Character Death, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Season 14 Spoilers, Angst, Love Confessions

SFW

The Garden

Summary: Cas has a secret garden behind the bunker. Dean follows and the best kind of fluff ensues.

Tags: Fluff, First Kiss

SFW

Happy Birthday, Dean Winchester

Summary: It's Dean's 40th Birthday! Cas takes him out to celebrate.

Tags: Major Character Death, Fluff and Angst, First Kiss

SFW

It Had To Be This Way

Summary: The book that Dean is given by Billie says "Dean Winchester Dies at the age of 73, survived by his brother Sam and son Jack." There is no mention of Castiel...

Tags: Major Character Death, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Season 14 Spoilers

SFW

Dreaming Of You

Summary: Based on a Profound Bots botstat Dean is having a nightmare. Cas witnessed someone hurting his Dean. Sam wishes the bunker had thicker walls.

Tags: Angst With Happy Ending, Alternate Angst Ending Included, Nightmares

SFW

Man at Sea

Summary: Dean's built himself the sigiled coffin to contain Michael. How does this end?

Tags: Season 14 Spoilers, Heavy Angst

SFW

Just a Boy

Summary: Dean has a hard time coming out to Cas because of what happened when he came out to his father.

Tags: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Homophobia, Coming Out

SFW

Graceless

Summary: Sam has found a way to get Jack his grace back with no strings attached.

Tags: Major Character Death, Spells and Enchantments, Grace, Blood, Angst

SFW

Through His Door

Summary: Cas whispers his love confession through Dean's door while he sleeps.

Tags: Fluff, Getting Together, Alternating POV, Falling in Love

SFW

spandwiches - @spandwiches - spandwiches

Sweat

Summary: Dean doesn’t like flying, okay? It’s just not natural. But sometimes a man’s gotta do, what a man’s gotta do. So he powers through the fear and gets on the flight to California, only to find that flying isn’t nearly so bad when there is someone holding your cock hand. Flying is in Castiel's genes so he takes his work seriously, and aims to provide excellent service to every passenger. So if one particularly attractive passenger happens to require a little more attention than usual, he is all too happy to provide. Snakebite, sabotage, pteromerhanophobia, FAA rule breaking, mile-high clubbing, a Winchester wedding (or two), first dances, a British dog sitter, potential disciplinary action, and a whole lot of sweat.

Tags: Dean/Castiel, AU, sex on a plane, Explicit, Panic attacks, semi-public sex, anal sex, self-doubt.

NSFW

jemariel - @jemariel - jemariel (Pillowfort)

Fool For Lesser Things

Summary: “I’m not looking for a relationship,” Cas says at last. The panic is quick as a flashbulb all over Dean’s face. “What? Who said — What did — No. Yeah. Yeah, I know that.” Cas closes his eyes. “Let me try that again,” he says. “I’m not cut out for a relationship. But I don’t actually pick people up at parties very often either.” In which Dean and Cas feel more than either of them care to admit. Part 3 of More Than I Hoped For (a college AU)

Tags: College AU, recreational drug use, house parties, friends with benefits, minorly risky sexual behavior, pining

NSFW

sternchencas - @sternchencas - sternchencas (Pillowfort)

Romance is Dead

Summary: Dean invites Cas to a romantic cabin to finally tell him how he feels. They get interrupted by very unwelcome guests.

Tags: fluff, fighting, zombie AU

SFW

LanaSerra - @lanaserra - LanaSerra (Pillowfort)

Saying Yes

Summary: Everything finally seemed to be going Dean’s way after he’d been saved from Michael’s control. Sure, the Bunker definitely felt a little more complicated than he was used to with all the new residents that came back with him and Sam from the other reality, but it had nothing on how much more complicated the latest new arrival had made things. The familiar face changed nothing and everything. Now Dean must survive threats from both inside and out, not only to protect the Bunker, those he loves and his fragile still-new relationship with Cas, but also his very peace of mind.

Tags: Explicit, Minor Character Death, Canon post S14-E3, Homophobia, Wing-kink, posession, BAMF!Castiel, John WInchester's A+ Parenting.

NSFW

spnhell - @spnhell - spnhell

Enjoying the View

Summary: Wherein Dean has run out of beer, Cas is acting strange(r than usual), Dean can no longer tell the difference between praying and dreaming, Cas is leaving feathers everywhere, and neither one of them knows how to lock a damn door.

Tags: Canonverse, bunker!fic, Castiel with wings, grooming, fluff, smut

NSFW

Archeolatry - @archeolatry - archeloatry

Eros

Summary: Cas is still adjusting to the realities of having a human body. Dean is quite willing to help him with that. ------ “How about I show you,” Dean asked, his voice low and husky, “just how much I approve of this body?” Cas swallowed thickly. “I think I would like that.”

Tags: Destiel, Newly Human Castiel, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Oral Sex

NSFW

thatpeculiarone - @ilovetodreamx (Pillowfort) (Youtube)

do you think I’m afraid to die? // cas

Summary: Fanvid about Cas and his sad journey. Song: 1-800-273-8255 by Logic, cover by Travis Atreo

Tags: Cas Fanvid, Mentions/References of Suicidal Thoughts

SFW

insominia - @a-insominia - insominia

Saved the Best for Last

Summary: Arguably, he had had greater moments. But right now, lying on Dean Winchester's bed, in Dean Winchester's room while Dean Winchester kissed away his bruises, Castiel would deny that any of them even came close to this.

Tags: Canon-Typical Violence, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Mutual Pining

NSFW

Castiel Thought they were Freckles

Summary: Neither Sam or Dean Winchester have a soul mark, the first words you hear your soul mate ever say. But during a particularly disastrous hunt it transpires that maybe they do, and that maybe Sam is just lying and Dean is oblivious.

Tags: AU - Canon divergent, AU - Soulmates, Fluff

SFW

Studies in Blue and Green

Summary: Everyone knows that Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak have been in love since college. They even know it themselves. But Dean's straight and Castiel is ace so they're both happy to settle for a life of close living and close friendship...which could all have been avoided if they'd just had one conversation.

Tags: AU - College/University, Fluff, Idiots in love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia

SFW

zipegs - zipegs

Refraction

Summary: refraction, noun ( re·frac·tion | \ ri-ˈfrak-shən \ ) deflection from a straight path undergone by a light ray or energy wave in passing obliquely from one medium (such as air) into another (such as glass) in which its velocity is different the change in the apparent position of a celestial body due to bending of the light rays emanating from it as they pass through the atmosphere also : the correction to be applied to the apparent position of a body because of this bending the action of distorting an image by viewing through a medium<br /> <i>also : an instance of this A collection of 100-word drabbles as prompted by the Profound Bond Discord's weekly challenge. Each chapter will correspond to a one-word prompt, with at least one stand-alone drabble per chapter. SFW

supernatural9917 - @supernatural9917fic - supernatural9917 (Pillowfort)

Holy Orders

Summary: Seminary students Castiel and Dean have carefully planned their escape. There's just one more thing Castiel needs to do... Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square fill: Forgive me Father for I'm about to sin

Tags: Seminary student Castiel, Seminary student Dean, Altar Sex, Blasphemy, Alternative uses for anointing oil

NSFW

Crossed Wires

Summary: People seem to keep assuming that Cas and Dean are together, and Cas has no idea why. Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square fill: coming untouched.

Tags: Everyone Thinks They're Together, Including one of them, Clueless Castiel, Clueless Dean but for a different reason, mention of asexuality, mention of anxiety, Coming Untouched

NSFW

Castaway

Summary: Dean gets washed off a cruise ship in a storm, and ends up on a deserted island. Well, it's not quite deserted... Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square fill: Lost in the jungle/desert/shipwrecked

NSFW

Poker

Summary: Sam walks in on Dean and Cas playing poker. No big deal. Then he walks in on Dean and Cas playing strip poker. Weird. Then... Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square fill: Strip poker was too tame, so we tried sexual favour poker instead.

Tags: POV Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Needs Brain Bleach

NSFW

Lookalikes

Summary: Dean has a naughty little secret, which Cas can never ever find out. Cas is about to find out. Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square fill: Why are you watching gay porn with two actors who look like us?

Tags: why are you watching gay porn with two actors who look like us?, Deansturbation

NSFW

The Riteous Man

Summary: Castiel loves Dean, but knows they can never be together, so he fantasises about the dashing highwayman The Riteous Man. Will he feel the same way when The Riteous Man targets his carriage? Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square filled: 2 person love triangle. Based on art by Pimento

Tags: Alternate Universe - Historical, Restoration England, highwayman, Nobleman Dean, Nobleman Castiel, two-person love triangle

NSFW

Accompanying art by @pimentogirl

The Big 4-0

Summary: It's Dean's 40th birthday! Sam, Cas and Jack have set up a day of Dean-centred fun with beer, burgers and boobs. What could possibly make it better? Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square filled: jealousy/possesive sex

Tags: Happy 40th birthday Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester's Birthday, jealousy/possessive sex

NSFW

Experiments in Sexting

Summary: Cas wants to try something, and Dean is more than happy to oblige. Unfortunately Cas is somewhat lacking in skills in this particular department. Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square fill: Cas is terrible at sexting

Tags: Cas is terrible at sexting

NSFW

The Mask of Zorro

Summary: Dean likes to be slapped during sex by an angel wearing a Zorro mask. Castiel likes it too. Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square fill: Dean- this is a Zorro mask.

Tags: Dean- this is a Zorro mask, Roleplay, light humiliation kink, Dean likes to be slapped during sex by an angel wearing a Zorro mask, and it's a good idea

NSFW

Ascot

Summary: Since the Zorro mask thing went so well, Dean is looking forward to trying out his kink for another item of clothing. Written for the Destiel Smut Bingo 2018. Square fill: Are you wearing an ascot?

Tags: Are you wearing an ascot?, Dean's adorable kinks, Sam doesn't want to know

NSFW

tabulaxrasa - tabulaxrasa

Not in Love

Summary: It occurs to Dean that this is the happiest he’s ever been, and there is only one more thing he needs-- and that there’s not actually anything stopping him from that one last good thing. (S14 spoilers, deals with Cas's deal with The Empty)

Tags: Angst, Season 14 spoilers, Not a happy ending, but not without hope

SFW

Honey to the Bee

Summary: Dean is not a farmer's market kind of guy. He may, however, be a hot bee keeper kind of guy.

Tags: AU, Fluff, Charlie is a great best friend, failboats in love, pre-relationship, no supernatural, domestic

SFW

LeafZelindor - @leafzelindor

Date Night

Summary: Date Night for Dean and Cas, Inspired by a role play on kid

Tags: destiel, fluff

SFW

nickelkeep - @nickelkeep - nickelkeep (Pillowfort)

Pietaimori

Summary: Dean is Turning 40, but Cas isn't sure what to get him. With some advice from Sam, and a lesson from a show that he and Dean watches, Cas comes up with a great idea.

Tags: Food Sex, Birthday Sex, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Sex in the Men of Letters Bunker, Anal Sex, Gay Sex, Blow Jobs

NSFW

dean-cas-in-the-impala - @dean-cas-in-the-impala - dean-bangs-cas-in-the-impala

Colors

Summary: Dean wants to know what color Castiel's wings are.

Tags: Romance, Angst, Fluff and Angst, just a tiny bit of Angst, Wings

SFW

The Rainbow Bridge

Summary: “Cas, where do pets go when they die?"

Tags: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Pets, Mentions of pet loss, Pets in afterlife

SFW

Forever and Always

Summary: Cas is bad at surprises but Dean doesn't care.

Tags: Fluff, Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Valentine's Day Fluff

SFW

Nera_Solani - @nera-solani - Nera_Solani

Pool Party

Summary: Dean tries to teach Cas how to play pool. ...or does he?

Tags: Pool & Billiards, POV Outsider, Pool hustling, BAMF Castiel, BAMF Dean Winchester, Fluff, Making Out

SFW

profound-boning - @profound-boning - profound-boning

The Final Surrender

Summary: The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender. - Emil Ludwig

Tags: AU - no supernatural, AU - celebrities, fake/pretend relationship, love confessions, fluff and smut, mugging, aftermath of violence, 5+1

NSFW

#member masterpost #members masterpost #january masterpost #profoundnet #profoundnet monthly masterpost #deancasreclist #member fic #member art

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