#FINALLY another installment in the crazy high school girl drama

[eileennatural]

finally watching do revenge and can i say. modern classic

[jaytopmodelrankings]

ANTM

Rankings for America’s Next Top Model (A History)

Original Era

This is the OG Top Model; Tyra Banks’ baby project that nobody could have predicted would spiral to become as legendary and well-known as it is. Simpler times, and yet still filled with its own brand of drama and craziness that introduced us to the love-hate that would define the relationship between show and fandom. From Christians, to signature walks, to divas and that lady of ill-repute that pours beverages into weaves (and who can forget how much Tyra was simply rooting for her to win?)… the roots of the franchise still shine brightly with all they have to offer now as they did then. The foundations of Tyra’s iconic clusterfuck were laid out here.

ANTM Cycle 1

ANTM Cycle 2

ANTM Cycle 3

ANTM Cycle 4

Classical Era

This is probably what most people think about when they reminiscence about good old ANTM. The cycles when the show truly picked up steam and entered through the gates of fame, and patterns began to arise and be visible for us all. The robberies, the make-overs, the winners with questionable track records, and obviously the photoshoots that were the epicentre of each instalment. We were treated to thigh-checking bitches, girls raised by drag-queens and just your average dose of iconic contestants.

ANTM Cycle 5

ANTM Cycle 6

ANTM Cycle 7

ANTM Cycle 8

ANTM Cycle 9

Neoclassical Era

There was an almost unnoticeable shift as ANTM reached the ten-season-mark. The show was reaching its peak in popularity, and to keep things from decelerating, viewers were treated to a continuation of the classic Top Model sprinkled with a bit more crazy shenanigans, and then overcompensated by edging towards dryness in rapid succession. The unsteady nature of going up-and-down (from the first ever plus-size crowning to a winner that sometimes faded to the background, then to blood kinks and petite contenders) was not devoid of the quintessential iconic flair, but it was obviously evolving from what it used to be. This is when the show began to reinvent itself with a new gimmick for each rotation of girls.

ANTM Cycle 10

ANTM Cycle 11

ANTM Cycle 12

ANTM Cycle 13

Renaissance Era

ANTM was at the height of its power and influence, and it was now vying for more respectability by harnessing the almighty attraction of high-fashion. The entry of André Leon Talley and the quality of the shoots demonstrated a surge in production and value, perhaps taking itself too seriously in the process but gifting the fandom a mini-rebirth that entailed some of the best moments. The calibre as a whole appeared improved, and the entity it had established itself as re-solidified with a vengeance.

ANTM Cycle 14

ANTM Cycle 15

ANTM Cycle 16

Modern Era

This era could be deemed as the “All-Star epoch” either way, as it put Top Model into modernity- bringing back the old school into the new to see if they could compete at the height of modernity where things had begun to change at an exponential rate in comparison to their respective cycles. The main problem here was that the stunts and gimmicks Tyra was shoving down the fandom’s throats were increasingly unsatisfying as the cringe was starting to show signs of outweighing the entertainment. The British Invasion (read Brit All-Stars and regular Yanks) concurred. At least the personal variety of entertainment showed sparks of the magic that was hidden underneath layers of ridiculousness.

ANTM Cycle 17

ANTM Cycle 18

Contemporary Era

The late modernity of ANTM was… undeniably a turning point for the show. The gimmicks just kept on piling up on top of one another, and the introduction of social media as a factor in the results was rather disastrous and honestly pointless. While the concept of male contestants could have been utilised to great effect, the focus was on the wrong things, and drama for the sake of drama is certainly not alluring. Here is when the viewers truly grasped the sad truth that the Top Model series that started it all had lost its shine and was stalling its rust and decay with less “some-people-have-war-in-their-countries” and more “get-ready-for-Ty-overs.” Budget felt embarrassingly reduced and the few stars that shone in a darkening sky were not enough to halt the train-wreck.

ANTM Cycle 19

ANTM Cycle 20

ANTM Cycle 21

ANTM Cycle 22

Postmodern Era

Somehow ANTM returned from its self-inflicted bombing and arose from the debris for a reboot. The original guise of promise was overshadowed by the general semblance of tackiness and the show’s rather pitiful attempts to merge with social media and digital age that did them no favours. Tyra’s momentary absence was rather unfortunate since she is quite literally the beating heart that pumps the circuits of the whole imbroglio, but her return did little with the disastrous most recent (and perhaps final) cycle. And until we are met with news of an All-Stars 2.0 or something along those lines, this is the limbo where the show drifts, in an age where the audience might have outgrown the original show, but could be ready for a true reset- an ANTM Nouveau of sorts. But who knows?

ANTM Cycle 23

ANTM Cycle 24

[elenajohansenreads]

Books I Read in 2019

#166 - Ice Massacre, by Tiana Warner

The Reading Frenzy’s Holly Jolly Readathon -- A book with a wintery word in the title

Rating: 1/5 stars

Another hugely hyped book that was a vast disappointment to me. The concept is cool, I'll give it that, or I wouldn't have picked it up in the first place. But the world-building is thin, the plot full of gaping holes, the characters mostly without personality, and the action is jaw-grindingly constant to the point where it leaves no room for character development or better world-building. And calling this a sapphic love story is just laughable. Literally the last thing in the book is the main character realizing she's in love with her childhood best friend who's also a girl who's also a mermaid--but they spend most of the books at odds with each other because of misunderstandings, because of the fact that they're both supposed to want to kill each other, and because they can't truly trust each other for most of the story. Eventually there's a small measure of devotion, but there's no romance to speak of. Everyone's too busy fighting, and I do mean everyone. But okay, if it's setup for the future installments, I could give that a pass. What I can't forgive is the insanely stupid logic of this thin, nonsensical world-building. First, the simple idea of the merpeople's "allure"--their hypnotizing magic--being effective against the opposite gender only is heteronormative in the extreme. My bisexual self is plenty attracted to women, so for most of the book I felt like it should work on me just fine. (And I can't even address the issues of trans or nonbinary characters, because there aren't any.) When it eventually became obvious that allure working on everyone would break the plot (the two friends can't fall in love with each other if magic is involved because then it's fake, also then the entire idea of sending girls out instead of boys to fight is a moot point and there's no story) I threw my hands up in the air and said to myself, "I'll accept it but I don't think it's good." Second, that leads to another problem; if the merpeople sent their women to fight because the human warriors had always been male before, when they discover the new ship of warriors are female, shouldn't they send their men instead? Oh, wait, they're all lampshaded to be fighting somewhere else entirely, in a different ocean. Except...are they all really gone? Because if they are, then who's making babies? We know there are babies because the crazy girl kills an infant. Which, by the way, is a war crime if you consider the mermaid "people," because clearly an infant is a noncombatant. So that's fun. (Also she ends up murdering a crewmate, but that's not tied to any of my complaints, actually, which almost surprises me. It was terrible but it actually sort of made sense at the time that it would happen the way it did.) But really, why keep sending the mermaids to kill the girls when mermen would have the advantage? Third, the structure of the Massacre itself. Would you have me believe that a group of twenty girls who have been training together for five years can't put aside petty high-school-style drama long enough to not get each other killed? Do you mean to tell me that the position of captain is assigned by their trainer, with a list of captains to follow in case of death or incapacitation, and it never once occurred to anyone organizing this thing that that's a recipe for constant mutiny? Do you seriously expect me to believe no adults went with them for supervision? That no adult women could have been trained alongside them to sail the ship, if not to actually fight? That no adult woman on the entire island was capable or available to be their captain and keep all those little shits in line? Weren't those people fishermen before the mermaids invaded, and that's why they're being starved out now? Sure, in modern military we train people about their age for combat, but we don't send them out on their own without superior officers, older and more experienced and hopefully with a little more wisdom! And if the problem is that they can't send the men who have survived their Massacres because now we send women because of the allure, then why were they ever sending men in the first place? Why did it take so long to decide to train girls instead? (The story's answer: unquestioned patriarchy. Girls aren't warriors. Because.) Fourth: no one has much of a personality, they're too busy getting killed. Of the twenty girls who set sail, I believe only seven or eight survive. They are mostly names on a page who die. Even some of the survivors, I couldn't tell you anything about, be it their physical appearance or their demeanor. They are mermaid fodder, some are there to be Captain Crazypants' cronies, they are faceless and interchangeable in death. Back to the "romance" for a second: I don't read Meela's constant distaste for her compatriots talking about boys or their boyfriends as her actually being in love with her female mermaid childhood best friend. That early, it doesn't even seem to allow for the possibility. It was far easier for me to read Meela as ace and/or aro--she seems completely uninterested in romance with the guy back home who's in love with her, and she says outright at one point that she can't imagine kissing him or having kids with him. Yes, it's all coded, but to me that's all code for aro-ace, possibly even to the point of sex-repulsed ace. The depth of her aceness would be open to interpretation, but nothing about her characterization for most of the book, such as it is, says to me, "no, she doesn't like Tanuu or boys in general but she's got confused feelings for girls she doesn't understand." She just doesn't seem to think romantic love or sex is important. So throwing it out there at the very end that she thinks she's in love with Lysi doesn't ring true to me at all, even though I could see it coming from the structure. Final problem: the plot takes a completely unexpected and illogical turn at the last second. The whole book has been about the Massacre, and then when it's almost over, our main character sacrifices herself (kind of) and gets captured by the mer-king (sort of) who agrees to let her and the few remaining crew go home so she can find a MacGuffin that's apparently a legend of their home island...that none of them have ever heard of. So if they don't know their own legends, how does the mer-king? There's no foreshadowing for this (or if there is it's so subtle as to be invisible), it makes no sense with the rest of the book, narratively speaking it's a deus ex machina to get them home when they're basically doomed otherwise. And obviously it's setting up the next book. But I don't care. I don't care because this one is so bad I don't want to read any more.

[dailycozydreaming]

BOOK REVIEW: The Princess Diaries: Ten out of Ten

Rating: 5 of 4 stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Forever Princess by Meg Cabot is the tenth and final installation in this mega teen drama series. Following Mia over a four-year span as she finds out she is the heir to the Genovian throne and deals with the drama of high school life. In her final book, Mia is dealing with her upcoming Senior Prom, something she had always looked forward to. Throw in her (luke) warm feelings for boyfriend J.P. and the sudden resurgence of the love of her life after two long years, Mia is confused. With an election and her eighteenth birthday looming ever-closer Mia must decide where she is going from here. All right this is going to be a big one, so sit down and buckle up. Characters: Mia: Mia has made both a large amount of mistakes and had quite a few victories as the series has played out. The significant time jump between the ninth and the tenth series made for a huge difference in her. While retaining many of the qualities that makes her unique, she managed to mature into an adult. It was so interesting to see her grown out of a lot of the childish ideas that had been so important to her before. With passion and drive, Mia seems to step forward to begin her life. I have personally loved Mia through so much of her journey. I found her easy to identify with, much of what she went through parallels issues I had as a teenager (minus the whole princess thing). I loved her journey and growth! 10/10 Michael: Look you all know how much I love him; he is honestly one of the best love interests aimed at teenage girls I have ever seen. Polite, romantic and realistic. This boy had flaws, and want and opinions. I have enjoyed this character from the moment I set eyes on him. I felt his journey in book ten solidified him as one of my all-time favorites. Despite two years apart and her relationship with another person, Michael still carries a torch for Mia. So much so that he is willing to do whatever he can to win her back. I recognize some of Michael’s behavior has been spotty. However, I feel that Cabot recognizes this installment and highlights how his directness was part of what made him right for Mia. He is dreamy 10/10. Lilly: I have been a Lilly-hater through most of this series. I found her annoying, aggressive and arrogant. She never seemed to act with any sort of compassion towards the people around her, often withholding information just to see what would happen. She began to grow on me during the sixth and seventh book but I was far from her biggest fan. Her journey in the last three books is interesting. Mia does her dirty, Lilly is right I saying Mia should have never dated J.P. in the first place, he was her besties ex. And yet I struggled to sympathize with Lily – at least in book ten when this all came out – not only did she never attempt to convey the truth of what happened between her and her ex, she actively lied to her and then cut her out of her life before anything had ever begun between them. Can we discuss the website – I think that is unforgivable, I know Mia made mistakes but damn! Talk about being salty. Overall I like the description of her at the end, colorful hair, piercing, and success. I wish her all the best and think she needs legit therapy 5/5 because I can’t decide if I like her or not. J.P. = I don’t have nearly as much to say about this guy, he is the master of manipulation. What a dick – I mean come on. Honestly, think Mia should have hated him way more than she did. He lied, and cheated, and was all-round horrible. 3/10 There are of course so many other characters in this series; I would be here all day if I took the time to list them all out. My final shout-out goes to Tina and Boris. These characters are so consistent and Tina especially is honestly BFF goals. I think they were well-written and great examples of teenagers growing to adult’s while still holding onto their passions. What I liked: The drama, all of the never-ending drama. The comedy, for me this was most clearly seen in the subplots, hospitality strikes, government elections, the introduction of democracy to Genovia. These weirdly series subplots never failed to make me laugh at the absurdity. The character development, where we end in book ten we have seen these people grow from children to adults, we have seen them overcome so many hurdles. I love that about this series. The hilarious pop-culture references. Donald Trump is mentioned twice – he is now the President of the USA. Classic. What I disliked: I felt sometimes that Cabot got to caught up on one idea – I will never forget the constant references to the virginity as their “precious gifts”. Themes like these were repeated every two lines for books at a time. Sometimes their characterization could be jumpy; Mia sometimes went from levelheaded and compassionate to immature and crazy in a moments notice. Overall I love this series so much, it’s a fun light-hearted read. I cannot stress how much I would recommend reading it! Aimed at teens, appropriate for anyone after a good laugh!

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[mellicose]

That Woman Over There

A You Me and Him Fix-it Fic

Rating: Teen, for some suggestive language

Word count: 3464

Warnings: none

Summary: ~ Set after the birth of Monty, Olivia’s baby ~ A dear friend of Olivia comes to visit for a week, and she disturbs the fragile peace between her, Alex, and John.

So, um, there’s been some drama about this wee likkle film. Maybe it will work to its advantage. There were some things that puzzled me in the writing, and this is my way to unravel the plot and weave it into something I might understand as a member of the tasty LGBT sandwich crew.

Chapter 1 | Read Chapter 2

She was still telling Alex stories of Livvie’s awkwardness when there was a quick rapping at the door. The baby bounced in his high seat - he seemed to recognize the knock.

“Uncle John’s here!” said Alex, and lifted baby Monty out of his chair.

Connie froze. Olivia grabbed her wrist as she stood from the table.

“Stay. Please. For Montmorency.”

“I still can’t get over the fact you named your little one after a cherry. Why don’t you call him Billy?” Connie said, referring to his first name, William. She sat back down slowly. Olivia stuck out her tongue. Connie winked.

“Monty’s a family name. I promised daddy,” Olivia said. She heard John in the foyer, cooing at the baby. He grunted, and Monty squealed with glee. Olivia popped up.

“You better not be throwing him up in the air again,” she said, heading out, and bumped into his chest. He had a goofy grin, and his eyes were huge with curiosity. The baby bounced in his arm, pulling at his sculptured beard.

“Is this her?” he said without preamble, holding his other hand out. She stood and stared at it. After a couple of seconds, he put it down, but his eyes moved up the long line of her body. “Bloody hell, you’re a tall gay.”

Alex slapped his arm. “Don’t fuckin’ curse in front of the baby,” she said through her teeth, then slapped her hand over her mouth. Olivia’s face twisted in distress.

“Jesus, Al!” she said, putting her hand on her hips. Alex blew her a kiss through her fingers.

Connie watched all this with a jaundiced eye. She loved Livvie, but this was almost too much to bear. It was weird. And she despised John already.

John’s eyes moved appreciatively over her body. It made her want to rip his beard out. Olivia gave her an importunate look.

“The higher the boots, the closer to God,” she said. Monty squealed as he got a solid grip on the beard and pulled. John howled. The baby giggled as Alex pulled him away, clucking at him softly.

Connie finally smiled. 

They sat around playing happy family for an hour or so in the living room. The baby lay on his stomach on the floor, rocking and kicking his chubby legs. They all took turns making funny faces at him to make him laugh his huge, almost adult laugh.

Connie was in love.

She took Monty in her arms and gave him a raspberry on his fat cheek. He grabbed the cloisonne rose barrette in her hair, fascinated by the gloss and color. He tore hair out of her head trying to get his prize, and still Connie kissed him.

He held up the pin to the sun and babbled happily.

“It’s a rose, darling,” she said, pulling it gently out of his mouth when he tried to have a taste of the pretty red thing. “Una rosa.” She wiggled his chubby legs. The baby squealed, as if trying to repeat it.

“It’s lovely,” John said, but he wasn’t looking at the barrette.

“She’s damn near the ambassador for the rose industry in America. I’ve seen the photos on Facebook,”  Alex said. She was referring to her business - a flower artist for the crème de la crème, coast to coast. She could cover a ballroom with complex swirls of colorful flora and transform it to a perfumed dream world.

And very rich people paid her a lot of money to do just that.

“Roses are the queen of flowers - not only graceful and gorgeous, but they exude their perfume for days after they’ve been cut, giving the exhibitions another layer of beauty,” she said. “I love creating with them.”

“What do you do with the flowers after?” John asked.

Connie’s smile faded, but she took a deep breath and kissed the baby’s tiny foot.

“What makes the installations so meaningful are their evanescence,” she said, as if speaking to a child.

“The band?” John quipped.

“Their short-lived nature,” she said. “No matter how large-scale, I must work quickly to make sure the client enjoys the flower’s beauty to the fullest. And the best part is knowing that such beauty won’t last forever - that they are standing in perfect moment in time, making a a memory…”

“Poetic. Is that in the brochure?” John said. Connie flipped him the bird with both hands. His eyebrows rose.

She put her hands over the baby’s ears. “Newflash, asshole - it’s a website,” she said, and picked Monty up and walked out of the room

Olivia punched his side. “Why d’you have to be such a twat?”

“I’m just following suit,” he said, crossing his arms.

Alex and Olivia sighed, but Connie came back in and lay the baby on the floor.

“It was about damn time you became a mum,” she said, and poked the baby’s swollen belly. “but what a crazy way to go about it. I know some rad New York gays who could’ve helped you. Artists. Musicians.”

“Dirty hipsters,” John whispered.

“You’d fit right in,” Connie said, not looking at him.

Olivia’s smile faltered. Connie crawled to Alex and took her hand.

“We both know Livvie’s high strung, but she’s a blessing isn’t she?”

Alex smiled. “I’m not used to all this Livvie talk. How exactly did you two meet?”

Connie sat between them and put her arms around them both. “She didn’t tell you?”

Olivia began to turn red.

Alex shrugged. “She said you met in New York, when she was there as an exchange student. That she had a crush on you, but it never went anywhere.”

Olivia bit her lip. Connie smirked.

“Imagine it - New York in the 90’s. Everyone’s wearing baby tees and parachute pants and Doc Martens and mourning Kurt Cobain…”

“Sounds rad,” Alex said, perking up. She was only in primary school in the 90’s.

“It was appalling,” Olivia muttered. They made terrible fun of her and her plaid skirts and pearls. Everyone except Connie, the girl next door. Her dad was a Nicaraguan diplomat, her mother bored and medicated.

“But Livvie never liked Nirvana or Oasis,” Connie said, smiling at her. She preferred N*Sync.”

John and Alex snorted in unison. Olivia went crimson, but she didn’t deny it. She still had a thing for Justin Timberlake music.

“I didn’t like Nirvana or Oasis either - I preferred New Order, Depeche Mode, or Verdi. So, it didn’t matter anyway.”

“Verdi?” said Alex.

“You know, La Traviata,” said John. Alex made an I-don’t-know face. “Opera music. Fat ladies singing?”

“Eww - but not at the fat ladies. Just the singing,” she said.

Connie patted her shoulder. “Anyway, I was bored out of my mind, sitting on my front stoop when this vision in pearls walks by. I mean, it was a sight - the longest pleated plaid skirt I’ve ever seen, poofy blond hair, clutching her books against her chest so hard her knuckles were white -“

John chortled. “Sounds about right.”

“Shut up,” all three women said in unison. John went back to playing with the baby.

“Anyway, I was listening to some Roxy Music on my boombox, and as she passed, she lifted her nose at my glam rock - but it was a very cute nose indeed - and it quivered, a bit like a bunny's-“

John whooped. They stared lasers at him, and he picked up the baby. “He needs a change. I’ll be right back,” he said, and walked quickly out of the room.

Connie sighed, as if a weight had been lifted.

“Why do you have him around?” she said.

“Because we do. No use in being so unpleasant,” Olivia said, then winced. She knew why Connie didn’t like him. And she understood. But she couldn’t deprive the baby of a male role model. Although she didn’t say it, John had grown on her. He only looked, and occasionally acted like an absolute twat. But his heart was pure gold.

At least, most days.

Alex poked her side. “You were saying. Her nose quivered like a bunny's,” she said, tugging at Olivia’s pony tail and wiggling her eyebrow at her.

“Oh yes. Well, she was acting all posh and snooty-“

“-It was because I was afraid you would yell something cruel at me.” Olivia interrupted.

“Never!” Connie said. She knew all about being different.

“I was a diplomat’s daughter with a shitty Spanish accent. Everyone at school pretended they couldn’t understand what I was saying. It was a hilarious joke. Even the teachers did it.” she said. She was freshly arrived from Managua, and at the time, she still had a strong Spanish accent. It didn’t make things easy.

“Me too,” Olivia said, and sighed.

“Speak American,” Connie said, crossing her eyes and sticking out her tongue.

“I hated when they said that,” Olivia said. “Even with an accent, you still knew more English that most of them.”

Alex was in between them, with a bemused look on her face. Connie didn’t have any accent - except an American one.

“Where did it go?” she said.

“I worked really hard to get rid of it. I got sick of people calling me Selma Hayek,” Connie said. “I even changed my name to make things less awkward.”

“What’s your real name?” Alex said.

Olivia giggled.

“You shut up,” Connie said, pointing at her.

“It’s … Encarnación,” Olivia said. “It means incarnation in Spanish.”

“Incarnation? Sounds goth,” Alex said.

“It’s a Catholic thing,” Connie said. “Like Jesus being the incarnation of God?”

Alex shook her head. “I don’t do religion.”

“S’okay. Neither do I, these days,” Connie said.

“That’s a lie and you know it,” said John, walking in with the baby cradled in his arms. Monty sucked placidly on a bottle of milk. “You leave the windows open a lot nowadays. I hear the name of God often enough at night.” He gave them crooked grin.

Alex chuckled, and Livvie blushed. Connie didn’t understand it. Why didn’t they want to snatch his perfect, seal-smooth wig right off?

Connie popped up. “I’m gonna see a man about a horse,” she said.

“What the f- does that mean?” John said, but he was amused.

“To powder her nose,” Olivia said helpfully.

“Nay, darling. Take a leak,” Alex offered.

Connie pointed and winked at her. “Bingo!” Then, she disappeared.

“Well, she’s nice,” John said, putting a burp rag on his shoulder and hoisting Monty up to tap lightly at his back.

“She hates you,” Alex said, picking up some errant toys. “Stay away from her.”

“Most women do when they first meet me, but I change their mind with my irresistible charm,” he said. The baby burped loudly. He giggled.

“I don’t know whether it will work this time,” Olivia said, holding her arms out for the baby. John gave him back reluctantly. “I think you should go. We’re about to head out for dinner.”

“And why can’t I come?” he said, sticking his lower lip out. “Or, better yet,  I can take care of Monty while you ladies are lesbian together as a group. What is it called … a preponderance, or a velvet box of lesbians?”

Alex laughed, and shrugged at Olivia. It had been over two months since they had some baby-free fun.

“Connie’s not a lesbian,” Olivia said. “And I don’t think so. She wants to spend time with the baby too. She’ll only be here a week - you’ll have Monty ‘till he’s 18.”

“But not when he’s soft and tiny like this,” he said, cradling the baby’s downy head in his hand over Olivia’s shoulder.

“It’s just five days. Don’t … rile her up. She has a temper,” Olivia said, putting the baby down in a play seat.

Connie sauntered back, holding an old bronzing lotion bottle. Alex yipped.

“I’m surprised you haven’t let John take this with him,” she said, throwing it underhand at him.

He caught it smoothly and stuffed it in his pocket. “For midnight mass.” He winked. Alex and Olivia rolled their eyes.

Connie glowered.

After coming back from dinner, they sat in the garden, drinking and laughing softly.

He could hear them through his open windows. He had been trying in vain to get the G flat scale on his guitar, but his fingers were failing him. He threw it on the bed and walked downstairs.

Connie. Although he had a clever quip for all her insults, they still stung. Why didn’t Olivia stick up for him? He was good enough to take care of Monty, but not good enough to demand respect from her tall, irritatingly clever friend?

Bull shite.

It was an unusually warm night, and his back windows were open too. He took a beer out of the fridge and sat at his painfully fashionable butcher’s block table in the kitchen, listening to the feminine sing-song of their voices.

“-Damn it why’d you even come back with us?” Alex said. “In another time, I would’ve gone home with ‘er, no questions asked.”

“Al!” Olivia squealed.

“I said in another time. Right now, I’ve got my girl. With the sexy quivering bunny nose,” she said. He heard the smack of kisses.

“Oi, you too. You got time enough for that after I pass out,” Connie said, but her voice was full of mirth.

“She was really into you,” Olivia said.

“I think it was the magic of Monty,” Alex said. They laughed. John smiled in his dark kitchen.

“It was kind of creepy. How are you gonna hit on a woman holding a baby?” Connie said. He noticed that since she was drinking, her accent was different. There was a bit of something else in there. It was … nice.

“I think she knew he wasn’t yours,” Alex said. “You look far too fresh-faced to be a new mum.”

John giggled.

“Oh, that’s nice,” Olivia said.

“I adore you, dark circles and all,” Alex said. “In any case, I’ve a got a nice set of my own.”

He heard clinking glass, and smelled wine on the breeze.

“I’m not in the mood for lady love right now,” Connie said, finally. “I’m kinda drained on lesbian drama.”

“What?” Alex said.

“The New York queer scene can get really weird sometimes. Too much politics,” Olivia said, quite matter-of-factly.

“And not enough pussy,” said Connie.

John wriggled on his bar seat. He didn’t want to be aroused by the thought of Connie rooting slowly between the thighs of another beautiful sapphic lady, but he still swelled and made his skinny jeans uncomfortably tight. Jesus, not again. At least it wasn’t about Alex and Olivia. He had gotten over that a while back.

“To pussy!” Alex said loudly. It must’ve been a toast.

“Without a side of politics!” Connie said, and glass clinked again.

“Hear hear!” Olivia added. It was adorably posh, and there was laughter.

“It’s been a while since you did anything, though,” Olivia said. “Don’t deprive yourself on our account. We can do without you a night or two.”

“I have plenty of time for single serving affairs in New York,” she said. “And I haven’t seen you in over two years.”

“But this would’ve been a guilt free vacation affair,” Alex said.

Connie laughed. “Nah. Not my thing,” she said. For some reason, John’s heart dropped.

He heard the canned sound of a crying Monty - the video monitor.

“I’ll see to him,” Alex said. He heard the soft smack of kisses again, then the sliding door clicked closed.

“Have you found anything on Ella?” Olivia said.

“Not really. PI is just about exhausted every source.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You warned me. I didn’t listen.”

He was lost. Ella? PIs? Sources? She must be an ex-lover. It sounded sordid.

“I’m sorry anyway,” Olivia said. Monty’s crying stopped, and they heard Alex softly singing to him.

“I’m so happy you made it up with her,” Connie said. “I told you to have faith. Not all artists are self-involved jerks. I knew Alex would come around. A strong woman, she is. I can’t imagine-”

The baby hiccuped, and started to sing himself softly to sleep.

“You should’ve dropped Monty off with Scoliosis Boy after dinner,” she said.

“Jesus, Con! I told you that in confidence!”

John frowned, and his eyes began to burn. He got up and sat on the counter, by the window. Although his first reaction was to walk away, he needed to know what Olivia would say.

“Squeak squeak. Squeak squeak,” she said, then snickered. He didn’t need any explanation. She was imitating the sound of a brace.

“Stop it, Connie. It’s cruel.”

“Fucker’s back is straight enough now,” she said. He didn’t comprehend her bitterness. He tried to be nice to her. He didn’t really succeed, but he tried. “He looks like a leather-clad pipe cleaner.”

The sound of Monty’s sleepy song cut out - she turned off the monitor.

“You seem more bitter about what happened that I am,” Olivia said. “And I forbid it. I’m over it. I’m happy. I’m sorry …  if your life hasn’t turned out the same.”

There were a few beats of silence.

“That was a low blow, Liv. And for that affected, misogynist asshole next door? Wow.”

“You don’t know him like we do-“

“-I know him well enough!” Connie said. “He ruined her life.”

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Olivia said. “but you can’t blame him individually for what happened. It’s not fair.”

“He put it out there. He poisoned him. It’s his fault.”

“It was a long time coming, long before John. And it’s not terribly surprising. Aren’t Latin men misogynist to begin with?” Olivia said.

There was silence. He stuck his head out to hear better. The window box heavy with potted herbs creaked with his weight.

“I’m sorry,” Olivia said, so softly he could barely hear it. “Ella was a horror. You deserve better anyway. And you will find it. I know it, Con.”

“That man. He wheedled his way into your affection, and I don’t understand it. How about if he fills Monty’s head with that Mannism nonsense too?”

“I’ll eat his heart in the marketplace,” Olivia said. 

John gasped. The wood groaned, and the window box fell to the patio with a crash.

The women screamed.

“Good night, ladies,” he said, poking his head out fully and waving bashfully.

“Good night, John,” Olivia said.

Connie’s face was set in stone. “I’m going to turn in, love. Thank you so much for today. Tell Alex good night,” she said, and walked into the house. Olivia walked across to his yard and started picking up the broken planting pots.

“How long were you eavesdropping?” she said, handing him an intact pot of thyme.

“Just a little bit. Squeak squeak,” he said, giving her a hurt look.

“I was angry at you when I first told her about you. But I never said anything like that. I promise.”

“I told you that in confidence. Not even Alex knows the grim tale,” he said. “Not all of it.”

“She’s beyond my best friend. More than a sister. I tell her everything,” she said, kicking loam into the bed of irises just beneath his window. She looked at him. “I know that isn’t an excuse.”

“Did you guys ever…” he wiggled his brow. He inspected the rotting wood of the broken window box.

Olivia shrugged. “Not really.”

“What does that even mean?” he said. Already, he was designing a far stronger, more beautiful box in his head.

“We were young, and didn’t know what we were doing,” she said. She leaned into his window and rested her elbows on the sill.

“Even if you don’t know exactly what you are doing, you’re still doing something,” he said. He handed her a fresh beer. She drank, then burped quietly.

“We experimented. But she was my first love.”

His eyes widened.

“It was more than sexual. It was … a deep, intense, passionate friendship. The sex was … inconsequential.”

“That’s bull shite,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. “Sex is never inconsequential.”

“You say that to the steady stream of ladies who come through here?” she said, and took another drink. “Turn on the light, will you?”

“If you’ve noticed them, then you must’ve also noticed that there are many less lady guests since Monty,” he said.

“You don’t have to curtail your activities because of him. Especially if it drives you to listening for naughty noises at night through open windows.”

“I was joking about that,” he said, throwing the broken box on the table. He would start on the new one tonight. He had too much energy to sleep.

“It was crass,” she said.

“You know I don’t perv over you ladies anymore, right? That was before I really knew you. I wasn’t gonna let her have the last word, though.”

Olivia bit her lip. “That might be a losing battle, John. She’s clever, and has a very sharp tongue.”

“By what I heard, so do you,” he said. draining his beer. “Who’s Ella?”

“Shit,” Olivia said. “It’s not your business.”

“And yet…” he said.

“What did you hear?”

“Stuff about a private investigator and running out of sources,” he said.

Liv sucked her teeth. “She’s an ex-girlfriend. Ex-fiancee, actually.”

“I thought you said she wasn’t a lesbian.”

“She’s bi,” Olivia said.

“Oh. Is Ella why she doesn’t want to be with a woman now?”

Olivia rolled her eyes. “You really got stuck in, didn’t you? Ass.” She put the beer down and walked away, but John stuck his hand out the window and whistled at her.

“Wait!”

Olivia stopped, but she didn’t turn around.

“I like a difficult woman. You think she’s in the mood for some guilt-free, vacation man love?”

“Good night, John,” she said, and walked into the house.

Next Chapter

[afreviews]

January Releases - II

As we begin February, let’s look back at all the new music released in January. Serving as a follow up to part one, here’s a recap of the last two weeks.

Beginning the year with new music is a tough job. You need to set the tone, you need to set the bar high for yourself and your peers, and some of these artists have. Check it out. 

16 - Dave East, Paranoia 2

Apple | TIDAL | Spotify

The growth is real! Each project this man drops, he just keeps gets better and better. Dave East is constantly setting the bar high for himself, leading up to the release of his debut album - any day now, let’s hope. I do have a feeling we may get one more project before the release of that but we shall see. Serving as a sequel to Paranoia, P2 dives deeper into East’s life. It’s as if his conscience wrote these bars. Lawd, the bars!

He indeed flexes his storytelling ability throughout the album. “Cory” stuck out to me the most. Here’s this guy, Cory, who grew up with “Homie.” They were tight but had many differences. Cory had a 9-5, where his homie was “trappin for studio time,” broke and hustling to chase his dreams. Then “Homie” got signed by a “legend” and got distant. Homie turns out to be Dave East, of course. It’s a story that many of us relate to. Friends we make when we’re younger may not always stick around. We go our separate ways when going down different roads in life. Because, well life happens. He ends the track with voicemails from Cory, to show there are always two sides. Cory felt as if East thought he was too good since he left the hood, and East felt Cory was intimated by the fame so he started to act “phony.” 

Paranoia’s theme was prevalent throughout the project. It’s that paranoia that someone will come after him. The paranoia of everyone smiling in his face and hating behind his back. The paranoia that he’ll lose his place in Hip Hop, something he’s put his blood, sweat, and tears into. It’s that paranoia that drives his grind. Now, with Paranoia 2 the paranoia is still there but it’s different somehow. We hear more of East’s past, and it’s his past that haunts him fueling the paranoia. It’s his past that makes him so introspective as he shows a twinge of vulnerability. Masked with tough bars, of course. The 15-track project features the likes of Matt Patterson, Marsha Ambrosius, Lloyd Banks, T.I., and more. A must listen, so do yourself the favor.

18 - Domo Genesis, Aren’t U Glad You’re U

SoundCloud

“The uncelebrated greatest”

Why, yes you are. Domo Genesis is definitely one of a kind and severely slept on. Although he doesn’t receive as much attention as other members of Odd Future, Domo is consistently progressing and proving himself a solid lyricist. At the start of Aren’t U Glad You’re U, I was transported back to high school when OFWGKTA emerged with all their brilliant fuckery. It’s nice to hear Domo, especially going solo. He does recruit a couple features from Phonte and Evidence. Oh, and Evidence is credited as the executive producer of the project - he also dropped a new project, scroll down. 

Aren’t U Glad You’re U is a solid effort from Domo Genesis. From the beginning to the end, he's clearly been honing in on his craft. He’s lyrically on another level now compared to previous projects. He is focused. He is hungry. At only eight tracks, the tape is short but worth a listen.

18 - SiR, November

Apple | TIDAL | Spotify

Instantly transported to a dimly lit cafe, or maybe a bar. Candles on the table highlight each table, only fueling the hypnotic atmosphere. On stage is a band, mellow and smooth, but they aren’t the highlight. Simply background, aiding to crooner in the spotlight - SiR. All eyes, and ears, are on him. That’s where November takes you.

And with only two features, ScHoolboy Q and Etta Bond, all ears are really on him. Brilliantly put together, SiR dropped his first LP exactly a year after signing to TDE.  Comparing to his EPs, he’s stepped into own and the progression is real. The album is as smooth as silk, jazzy tones put you in a trance. The Inglewood singer-songwriter-producer offers his listeners his heart and soul with his old-school sounds while still being modern. Take a listen, you will not be disappointed. I wasn’t, he’s definitely made it to my “Barefoot” playlist.

19 - Justine Skye, ULTRAVIOLET

Apple | TIDAL | Spotify

Justine Skye makes her official debut with ULTRAVIOLET. Her first studio album features the likes of Jeremih, PND, and Wizkid.

"The title came about from, obviously, my hair's purple. It's like, the theme of my whole life. There's no crazy reason why, but it makes me comfortable. Throughout the different shades of purple ultraviolet is the most vibrant and I feel it exudes a level of confidence I've discovered since recording this album, which is me becoming aware of my relationships. ... I'm understanding it's not always going to be perfect. I feel like this album is a rollercoaster of that situation.” Billboard

Justine takes complete control on her debut project. From the beginning, her voice commands your attention. In her own pop-R&B style, she sings on about modern love.

"I hope...for women to be more confident and take more control in their relationships. That's something I never used to do. I was that girl that would stop everything for someone. This is focusing on myself right now. Obviously, I still need some love and affection, but I'm young. I don't need to be that invested in a relationship."

Whether it be crushing on a guy, indulging in a fling, or simply moving on from a relationship, Justine Skye is straightforward and breathes confidence on ULTRAVIOLET. She has put her all into her debut, so check it out. You won’t be disappointed.

22 - Spider Loc, The Lost Tapes

Apple | TIDAL | Spotify

Former G-Unit member, Spider Loc reemerged this past week with The Lost Tapes. The 15-track album features the likes of Jay Rock, E-Note, Mack 10 and of course 50 Cent. Reminiscent of that old G-Unit sound from the early 2000s, and with some West Coast vibes, and I’m here for it. It’s definitely worth a listen, so pick your poison above.

26 - Evidence, Weather or Not

Apple | TIDAL | Spotify 

“And I refuse to be referred as less than a creative”

Returning with his first project in four years, Evidence dropped his third solo LP. Weather or Not is a 16-track project that features the likes of Styles P, Rapsody, Alchemist and more. He’s back with the old school flow, deep bars waxed over the boom-bap beats we’ve been missing. The album is raw. This is what you call “pain music.” The content is so real, you can’t help but nod in agreement or cringe. Well, you won’t help but nod while the beats take control over your body. This is the essence of Underground Hip Hop, praise to the most high. Weather or Not is a project you do not want to bypass, so pick your poison above.

26 - Lil Wayne, Dedication 6: Reloaded

DatPiff

While we waited 4 years for the next tape, Lil Wayne released Dedication 6 this past Christmas. Now, Weezy wasted no time unloading the tape’s sequel, Dedication 6: Reloaded. Back in 2016, when Wayne first teased the release of the sixth installment, he spoke about how the series has helped me grow artistically.

“It became a different approach to the music. I started approaching mixtapes as they’re actually getting a little more recognition than the albums. That’s why when you ask me what’s my favorite Dedication, I’m always going to say the last one… You’re only better than your last shit.”

The 20-track tape features the likes of Juelz Santana, Gudda Gudda, Drake, Lil Twist and more. While hosted again by DJ Drama, this time he served remixes of Kendrick Lamar and Rihanna’s “LOYALTY.,” A$AP Ferg’s “Plain Jane,” and Lil Pump’s “Gucci Gang.” Check out the latest installment of the Dedication series, it’s a must listen.

Stay Plugged

We also saw releases from:

Young Lito, In Due Time 2 Apple | TIDAL | Spotify | SoundCloud

Berner, The Big Pescado: Apple | TIDAL | Spotify

D. Lynch, 1985 Apple | TIDAL | Spotify

Fetty Wap, For My Fans 3: The Final Chapter

Migos, CULTURE II

Ghostface & Apollo Brown, The Brown Tape: Bandcamp | Spotify | Apple. 

And as always, stay plugged for more new music with #OverloadMonday until next month when I sum up February.

[kantianbioethics]

Just Communication in Sound! Euphonium 2 - Part 2

Making Things Clear

(part 1)

The moe brass band and I welcome you to another installment of “Just Communication”. Last time, we examined music as a communicative practice and we started to get a feel for why the series thinks that practice is important. This time, to truly get a solid grasp, we will be looking at the first story arc of the series. Not only does it introduce us to the practice it finds so valuable, but it also demonstrates that same sensitivity of feeling it felt so impressed by. It is a story arc that reintroduces us to a a form of communication we are all very familiar with: the explicit, verbal kind. It allows this form of communication to signify itself, but also communication as a whole.

Before all that abstract frippery, however, it is a story of two girls: Mizore and Nozomi.

When we meet Mizore the oboist and Nozomi the flutist in the first episode, their relationship is in shambles, even if only one of them knows it. Nozomi left the band last year, following club turmoil. Ever since and for reasons unknown, Mizore has lived in traumatic fear of her former friend. Neither of these two are our point of view character, though. That would be Kumiko, same as ever. She is a specter here, tuned in to the drama and willing to help, but unsure of how and afraid to hurt someone.

Kumiko learns their circumstances and personalities through conversations born from her stubborn inquisitiveness. She has an already tangible sense of the stakes in her bandsmates' predicament, because she is already dealing with people connected to her. We, audience members, knowingly consuming fiction, need a little push. Here, art's artiface is its power more than its handicap. Through deliberate depiction of these fictional people, Sound! Euphonium 2 gives their feelings recognition, emphasis in a way that our “unadulterated” sight does not. Even as this story arc dramatizes the need for communication, the series is itself communicating the feelings of its people to us, every way it can.

Mizore is a driven musician, but seems to be so out of some automatism, rather than anything else. She expresses no joy at playing on her own initiative or when questioned about said playing. Nozomi is peppy, but deeply troubled by Asuka's refusal to let her rejoin the band. Their respective forms of isolation are emphasized in similar ways. One way this is done is through the framing of specific body language. For example, in the second episode, when Nozomi is discussing her inability to return to the high school band without Vice-President Asuka's permission. The frame at one point zeroes in on Nozomi's hold on her own arm to emphasize her insecurity. At another point, on her eyes looking away, as she fails to confront the pain of being apart from the band head-on.  

Another way in which the emotional states of the characters become salient to us is in the careful animation of characters' body language. In the first episode, Mizore becomes ill upon hearing Nozomi playing the flute and collapses in the stairwell. There is a another deliberate framing choice here, a point of view shot of her splayed legs. However, what is even stronger at emphasizing her unsteadiness is the protracted, trembling motion with which she rises to her feet again.

Of course, I would be remiss in talking about the life breathed into these characters, without giving mention to the voice actresses. After all, it is not just what you say that matters, but how you say it. Nao Toyama (Nozomi) alternates between frustrated sorrow and chipperness fluidly and convincingly, while Atsumi Tanazaki's monotone as Mizore sells her forced disassociation from her trauma. Tanazuki does equally well when Mizore shatters to pieces, cries, yells, and generally makes a wide variety of tonally incomplete, yet very loud noises.

In the examples above, we can see how the many tools of the animated medium allow Sound! Euphonium 2 to convey the emotional states of Nozomi and Mizore to us, the audience, efficiently and dramatically. However, the characters within the anime have no such guide. Nozomi and Mizore's distance is an extreme example of a failure to communicate, but even the other characters have to pick-up on of the subtle shifts body language and make assumptions about intent, so long as their partners in conversation do not make their feelings explicit.

Nozomi made one of these assumptions about Mizore when she quit the school band. Nozomi left the band without telling Mizore, because she did not want to disturb her friend. What she did not know, hardly could, was that Mizore's playing was for her. Not knowing how important she was to Mizore, never hearing how important she was to Mizore, Nozomi saddled her with uncertainty and fear that she had been abandoned by her only real companion. Too scared to find out for sure, Mizore developed a traumatic aversion to her friend. In both cases, a simple verbal confirmation of their feelings.

This morality play on verbal communication skills comes to a head in a stunning episode full of smart framing and quick action, the fourth of the series. This is also where we finally shine the spotlight on the glue holding this crazy club together: Strongbow Yuko. Yuko, bless her heart, has been an enthusiastic friend to Mizore ever since Nozomi left. When the oboist inevitably meets Nozomi again and freaks out, it is Yuko who conscripts Kumiko into searching for her. Yuko walks into the frame that Kumiko already inhabits to enlist her, going to her frame for help. It is the start of a series of framing choices made by episode director Taichi Oigawa to emphasize a relationship, rather than a sole emotional state. Where previous examples were attempts to convey a character's isolated mood or thoughts to us, these embellishments convey the feelings one character has for another. These artistic choices aim to make important to us a relationship, an emotion, a person in every scene. They do the groundwork for what the series is attempting as a whole.

When Yuko does find Mizore we can see how character animation, framing, and attention to body language come together to add a maximum amount of power to Yuko's words. Yuko scolds her for thinking Yuko was only friends with her out of pity, shaking her like a ragdoll while she does so. The frame, as if a physical object compelled by Yuko's arms, goes up with Mizore, a little past her, and then down with Mizore and a little past her, emphasizing the force of the emotion with which Yuko is speaking. Next, when Yuko convinces Mizore of the earnestness of her friendship in words, another trick is used: the carrying of momentum from a cut with one person to a cut with the other to signify one's words hitting their mark. Here, we see a tear fall down Yuko's cheek as she speaks her truth and then the tear hitting Mizore's face and rolling down her cheek as if it were her own. Next comes the final embellishment of physicality to Yuko's speech. The frame holds an absolute focus on Yuko's hands undoing Mizore's guarded posture to pull her up, as she begs her to take some pride in her music for her own sake.

In short, Sound Euphonium 2 makes Yuko's words visually impressive. It makes their meaning weightier by making them synesthetic experiences, visible as well as audible. Now you may say to me, “convincing us words are powerful by giving those words fancy picture frames is cheating like a motherfucker. You would be right. By cheating, the series is hoping to bridge a gap: the gap in meaning of those same words, the one that exists between our lived experience as members of an audience and that of its cast . It is only cheating, because it needs to make-up for its handicap. If it were not, it would not be doing its job as a work of art. It is crucial enough to make these feelings, not just known, but felt that it is necessary for Sound! Euphonium 2 to cheat, to use artifice, to be art.

At any rate, the cheating-slash-artistry extends beyond embellishment of physicality. To that, Oigawa marries another trick in the animator's toolbox: lighting. As Yuko drags Mizore up, she also pulls her out of the shadow and into the light. It is a simple motif, wherein Mizore's new found understanding of and happiness in her relationship are highlighted, but an effective one. One repeated when the time comes for Nozomi to clear things up with Mizore the way Yuko has. Here too, Mizore's turn to the light is paired with the physical act of hands reaching out to hold their counterpart. Mizore is not just illuminated with regards to her relationship, but is made to understand by the action of Nozomi's explanation.

The scene ends with an exemplary sequence where Nozomi passes Mizore's oboe, together with her wish to play together, to Mizore. Oigawa cuts from Nozomi's smile to the camera, to her speaking in profile, to the oboe, to Mizore in profile, and finally: Mizore smiling again after all this time. It is not just that the oboe symbolizes Nozomi's wish in this instance, but that the weight of her words appears to move from Nozomi, through the oboe, and into Mizore, as if it were a physical thing. That is the power your feelings can have on another: enough to move them, to shape them. Yet, while the tone of our voice or the twiddling of our thumbs can give strong indications toward these feelings, we often need our words to spell them out or risk them failing to reach someone at all.

And not only Mizore and Nozomi were affected by their failure to say a single word to each other. Yuko suffered in sympathy with her friend, for one, but the entire band ached along with them. First of all, all the second and third years, the ones that knew of Mizore's trauma, were stressed and split over whether or not to Nozomi in the band, debating for hours, losing precious time practicing together and alienating their juniors as they did so. Secondly, Mizore's playing was emotionally sterile in Nozomi's absence, which affects a competition band a great deal when you are their star oboist. Kumiko only got involved enough to be a point of view character in this train wreck, because it affected her as a member of the band. She barely even knew who Mizore was before this started. By tying its interpersonal drama to the future of the band, Sound! Euphonium 2 makes the success or failure of communication all the more critical. When you fail to communicate in your relationships, it is not just that relationship that is hurt, but everybody tangentially involved as well.

Such is the macro-view collage that Sound! Euphonium builds from its microscopic moments. It demonstrates the care with which it wants to consider other people's feelings in every scene.It shows its commitment to that ideal by doing so. Better yet, its commitment is what generates our investment in its message. Our emotional affect towards these cartoon people and their cartoon lives is built upon these tiny moments of tender understanding. These moments engrave into our minds their morality play at large. It is the power of art to flit between the instant of a blush and the grand narrative of a high school band. It can simply give us the sympathy we would have otherwise had to work for by showing us every view at once.

But Sound! Euphonium 2 also shows us that art is not enough. We cannot comfort our friends by playing the trumpet at them every time. Art is a mode, a tool in our being together. Its very nebulous nature allows it to sort of express what we cannot, but straight talk is best for the things we can. When it is within our power to do so, we need to make our feelings for one another known in the clearest terms, terms that the uncertain nature of art is insufficient for. Language only pretends to be clear, but the level of directness it does allow makes it the best tool we have for our most important job: being with one another.

Finally, we can understand what Sound!Euphonium 2 is trying to say about art and communication. We understand why it has modeled itself so in order to say it. But “saying” something is not enough for a series like Sound! Euphonium 2. Just as it is putting its own ideology into practice in its explanation of that ideology, its story, its actual fucking plot is one girl coming to understand and put that ideology into practice herself.

That girl is Kumiko Oumae. In the next, final, installment she will be the one doing the talking

(part 3)

[artificialqueens]

I Remember You Differently (Trixya) - Chapter 2 - goth

One more high school lesbian AU for the good people of this blog. It’s the end of senior year, prom season, and Trixie thought she was finally over her crush on Katya from freshman year drama class. She was wrong. Kim is over it before it even starts.

A/N: Thank you so much guys for the support. I mapped out this entire fic, epilogue included, which should make writing it easier and faster. In this installment, Trixie is roasted by family and friends alike. In the next, we’ll get started on Trixya flirting, and I’ll be introducing some Sashea into the mix soon.

Trixie is halfway through her house’s side door, when she hears someone bitching and whining.

The high-pitch whines can only belong to her younger sister. Farrah. Trixie wishes it was because the poor girl has a fever, but if anything, being sick has toned her down.

“Hey losers. I’m home.”

Farrah, swathed in a blanket like a baby, turns around in her chair. She frowns at Trixie, who’s setting her pink backpack on the couch. “Why do you even go to school? You only go for a couple hours.”

Trixie walks into the kitchen and musses up Farrah’s hair. Their oldest sister, Milk, is preparing dinner. “Farrah,” Milk starts, not looking up from chopping lettuce, “Once you’re as smart as Trixie, then you can spend two hours doing makeup for the three hours you spend at school.”

Farrah’s busy soothing out her hair, when Trixie sits next to her, she dodges Trixie’s half-hearted attempts to muss it up more. Trixie rolls her eyes. “Milk, please. You wear as much as me.”

Farrah pulls her hands out of her hair, and touches her cheeks. “My teacher told me I wear too much highlighter.”

“Oh my God,” Trixie muffles a laugh with her hand. “Farrah, everyone wears too much highlighter freshman year. Tell her to stuff it.”

Milk stops chopping lettuce and looks over at Trixie, who freezes. She knows exactly where this is going. Milk, along with the rest of the family, has been asking the same question for a month.

“How’s the prom development going, sis?”

“It’s… Going.” Her voice is squeaky. She avoids the curious look from Milk, only to fall right into Farrah’s. Fuck.

“Did a girl finally ask you out? Did you finally ask a girl out?” The excitement pours out of her so rapidly, so overwhelmingly, Trixie can’t get a single word in. “I knew you were lying about going in groups. Nobody cool would do that.”

Trixie plants a hand over her younger sister’s mouth. Sometimes, Trixie imagines Farrah never learning how to speak. Or at least whine. “Oh my God, Farrah.”

Milk leans over the counter, her eyes matching the excitement in Farrah’s. Neither of them are adopted, that’s for sure. “Wait, is Farrah actually onto something?”

Farrah wriggles out of Trixie’s grasp and pouts. “Hey!”

“That wasn’t an insult, honey,” Milk props a fist under her chin and taps Trixie’s arm with her finger. “Who is she?”

“I have a project to work on. Bye.”

……

Trixie blows on the fresh-painted nails of her left hand, and slowly sprawls across her bed. She’s careful not to mess up the pink paint, nor the pink sheets. All the while precariously balancing her phone between shoulder and cheek. She’s multi-talented.

And multi-worried.

Trixie’s over-analyzed every second of the exchange between her and Katya, and has made Kim Chi listen to all of it. Deservedly. Bailing rather than being a wing woman is a dick move. Trixie should know, she’s guilty of doing it as often as Kim.

It’s why they bicker like sisters. One of the reasons why, anyway. There’s far too many to list.

“Trixie, you’re just repeating yourself. Can I go? I have to catch up on—”

“Nobody else knows,” She hears Kim sigh. Trixie scoffs. “Who else am I going to talk to? I’d sound crazy.”

Trixie pauses, and rolls over on the bed. She lets her face sink into her pillow. “I am crazy.”

“I can’t understand you.”

“Oh, so my Kim Chi impression is improving.”

“Fuck you, Trixie.”

“Huh. Interesting, you understood that.”

Trixie smiles into her pillow and props herself up, feeling slightly better. Back and forth deadpanning with Kim always improves her mood. The contentment starts to dwindle however, the silence on the other end becoming deafening.

“Did that actually hurt—“

“I’m not the only one who knows.”

Alarms go off in Trixie’s head. Loud, blaring ones. Her heart stops for the second time today. She has about fifty questions to ask, long and detailed, yet all she can muster is a four letter word.

“What?”

“Freshman year. After first semester ended, the girls threw a party to chill you out. You were so depressed.”

“Oh… My God. Don’t tell me I—“

“You did. So drunk. You told Trannika how bad you wanted to suck Katya’s dick. You pretty much repeated the same thing to Shea, Pearl, and anyone else who was within earshot.”

Trixie’s baby pink phone, moments ago pressed so hard against Trixie’s ear the skin turned red, lies at the foot of her bed. On speaker phone. Both hands cover her face. She groans.

“Everyone knows, Trixie.”

“Yeah, uh, I got that part!”

“I told them to never say anything.”

Trixie is unable to voice any emotion she has, all of which are bad, until what Kim last said registers. She breathes in deep. Relaxes her closed eyes.

“Thank you. You’re a good person. I love you.”

“You’re welcome. There’s plenty of other things to make fun of you for.”

“You’re a fucking bitch. I hate you.”

Kim giggles. A small smile spreads, slow, across Trixie’s face. She couldn’t ask for a better best friend.

“We’ll have to get another fucking reservation somewhere else. For the second time.” Kim pauses. “Make sure Katya matches your dress.”

Trixie cringes, and crawls closer to her phone. “Slight problem.”

“What?” It’s more of a statement than a question. Trixie cringes again.

“Um, she’s Maleficent and I’m Sleeping Beauty, for a start.”

“I don’t care, Trixie. We planned this all out a month ago. You and Shea were going to match. I expect the same with your new girlfriend.”

Already the ‘girlfriend’ shit has begun. She’s dreading talking to the other girls about this.

“She’s not—”

“Oh, right. Freshman year. Your old girlfriend, then?”

“Suck a dick. I’m hanging up.”

Kim giggles again. It’s nice, Trixie thinks. Kim sounds even more stressed than Trixie, whose world crumbled, just a little bit, today. She can hear Kim shifting around in bed, clicking on her laptop. Trixie just knows she’s going to fall asleep watching anime.

She’s seen it happen enough times.

“Tomorrow you’re helping me get a new reservation. And at some point this week, you’re taking Katya out shopping.”

“Alright. Love you. Goodnight, Kim.”

“Love you too. Goodnight, Trixie.”

……

Four years of never hearing a single word about Katya, courtesy of her sisterly bond with Kim Chi, goes down the drain in one night. Post revelation phone call, Trixie’s been harassed by each and every one of her friends.

All at once, too. The girls gathered together for the last weekend before prom week. The last weekend of stress, as Trixie and Kim managed to get an updated reservation. What was supposed to be a fun two days of drinking at Fame’s house quickly turned into a roast.

William and Trannika are the worst culprits.

“Okay, but her name is Ketchup, though.”

“Trixie wants to eat her hotdog.”

William and Trannika, respectively.

“Oh my God.” Trixie leans back against the couch, pressing the cool plastic of a pink solo cup against her forehead. She, at the least, looks fabulous while her love life is being torn to shreds.

“Katya’s hot,” Trannika starts again, leaning her cheek upon Trixie’s shoulder. “I’ve seen her drink her own blood. I’m so into that.”

“Kim, I’m blaming you for this.”

“I prevented this from happening for four years.”

“Kim blue-balled us, comedically.” William offers, “But Trixie blue-balled Katya, romantically.”

“Trixie asks me for chapstick once a week,” Trannika starts, and presses a kiss onto Trixie’s shoulder. “I just didn’t realize it was for her dry pussy.” Trixie shoves her off.

“I need another drink.” Trixie pushes herself up off the couch and wanders into Fame’s kitchen. They’ve had so many parties here, she’s not sure she’d find the fridge if she was sober. Bent over, searching for another light beer, she grumbles when someone taps her shoulder.

“You good?”

Trixie pops up, nearly banging her head on the fridge shelf. She spins around, surprised it’s Shea looking concerned, rather than William trying to grab her ass.

“Totally.”

Shea frowns. “I’m serious. I’m not gonna lie, those bitches are making me laugh so hard, but if they’re actually hurting your feelings—“

“Shea, it’s fine. Really, it’s fine. I mean, yeah, I’ve had a crush on her for four years,” Trixie shrugs. “So what. I’m not obsessed. I have a life. I forget Katya exists ninety-nine percent of the time.”

She can’t find the right words to say. She just says all of them.

“It’s been like, off and on. That kind of crush. Junior year, I almost completely forgot about her. I see her every now and then. Handful of times over the course of four years. Those are the times when I think about wanting to kiss her, that’s it. You know?”

“I know.”

“There’s been other girls. It’s not like, oh, she’s the one! I mean, maybe? We’ll see. I guess, but how lame is that? If I kiss her at my high school prom and she’s the love of my life. Gross.”

Trixie can’t stop talking.

“I just think she’s cute. And nice, and funny. And so on. I’m not in love. If I was, then yeah, I’d be offended, but I’d also be a crazy woman.”

Shea’s silent for a few moments. Trixie considers stepping backwards into the open fridge, shutting the door, and never coming back out.

“You need some rest.”

Trixie sighs, looking down into her empty cup, and nods. “Yeah. I think you’re right.”

[bts-love-sweat-tears]

(Ice) Princess, Part 5!!

Title: (Ice) Princess, Part 5

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Type: Fluff, minimal angst

Rating: PG (brief “strong language” at one point, lol)

Word Count: approx. 2,325

Link to:  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

A/N: Hello! Today was rough for me, so I hope you like this and that I can put something positive and cute out there! This is the final installment of Ice Princess, so thank you for being with me throughout my first series! I have a newfound appreciation for people who can do long and complex stories- I struggled with this simple story from time to time! I had better keep trying though, because I have some exciting ideas in development! Thank you as always for reading, and feel free to drop me comments, critiques or just chat! P.S.  The stingray story is true! My friend was just telling me about it the other day, though I added the part about the selfie.  Thanks for letting me use your life as inspo, bb! The dialogue at the end is also loosely based on my first confession, which didn’t go as smoothly as it did here. *sigh*

You smiled at Tae over the head of the stylist who was adjusting one of the buttons on your shirt. He smiled back, and you couldn't help but marvel at how much things had changed in a relatively short period.  You were back in the studio filming a commentary segment. Your trip to Daegu was a month ago, and the two of you were the most popular couple ever on the show. The episodes of that unexpected trip had the highest viewership of any episodes as well. His family had accepted you wholeheartedly, and his mother kept saying how she would love to have a daughter like you, with a knowing look directed to the two of you. Jeong-Hwan was another matter entirely-he was calling you at least once a week (God knew how often he called Tae), to find out when he could come visit you. You had opened up to Tae behind the scenes, explaining why your life had changed so dramatically, and while you didn’t demand an apology (it was your choice to go to the lengths you did), you could tell that Tae was sorry, and the two of you fell back into an easy friendship. Due to the success of the Daegu episodes, the producers kept getting you more airtime, and you honestly felt bad for some of the other couples on the show.

Off-screen, fans were hypothesizing about the ever-increasing chemistry between the two of you. They thought that his rambunctious energy, and your  seriousness were the perfect example of “opposites attracting.”  What they didn't know was that you were hanging out with Tae almost every day, and there was real tension between the two of you. Neither of you had “defined the relationship” and even though you were happy to have him as a friend, it still felt like there was something unresolved between you. There hadn’t really been a good time to bring it up- you were either at your house with your family (to the mutual delight of Tae and your family). Or, the two of you were hanging out at his dorm. While the manager was always frowning at your presence, the boys had accepted you into the fray without hesitation. When you weren’t at one of those two places, you were doing things for the show, your personal show, or the company. He was constantly busy with other appearances, recordings, and a new drama he was in. You didn’t know when you could bring it up, but it felt like you were going crazy. You couldn’t not think of him. You felt like a fangirl, which was ironic considering how you met. But you were also scared. He had left your life once, and you worried that if you pushed too hard it might happen again.

You were pulled from your thoughts by a nudge in the side. You looked over to see that Tae had left his seat across the circle, and was now next to you.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Just tired,” you said a little too quickly. “Want to stop by later and watch a movie?” you asked, in an attempt to redirect the conversation.

“Of course! Anime?” he asked, eyes practically sparkling.

You usually went for documentaries or foreign indie dramas, but at this point you were so far gone that you agreed immediately.

“I’ve been feeling Princess Mononoke lately,” you smiled back.

Before you could continue the conversation, Tae was directed back to his seat and the filming began. It was tedious, but at least you were sitting in a climate controlled studio. You thought back to your embarrassing incident in Daegu. Slowly it passed, and Tae went his way, and you went yours, so as to not arouse any suspicion.

A couple of hours later, he showed up at your door in a Gucci sweatsuit (you didn’t expect any less at this point) and arms full of snacks. You ushered him through the foyer and into the spacious family room. Your family was out at some event, and you had changed into an oversized hoody and yoga pants the minute you got home, and couldn’t be swayed to go back out.

The couch in your family room was a large sectional that took up one wall, and you and Tae started out on opposite sides. As the movie progressed though (somewhere around where Ashitaka and San meet), you somehow found yourselves entangled, legs intertwined and and head on his shoulder. He was so warm, but you warmed even more when you realized he was humming the whole soundtrack. You were amazed that he had even noticed that, as you were usually too engulfed by the plot to pay attention to anything else. Though you loved anything Miyazaki, you weren’t as into anime as Tae was. You found him such a paradox- an impossibly chic guy was (not-so) secretly a huge nerd on the inside, and you loved that about him. Between his warmth, the long day, and the fact you knew what was going to happen in the movie, you soon dozed off.

When you woke, Tae was also asleep, and the two of you were lying on the couch. Your face was nestled into his shoulder, and he had his arms securely around your waist. Normally, you would have been embarrassed, but this was Tae. The two of you had already been through so much together. You felt strangely at peace, which was rare for you. Your mind was constantly going, whirring from your business obligations, to the various media appearances, and back again. But you felt so present in that moment and at peace. Right as you were having these deep thoughts, the front door opened, and Tae jolted awake. Your parents walked in and were surprised to see the two of you at home. Had it been anyone else, they probably would have scolded you like a teenager, despite the fact that you were in your twenties. But Tae was “practically family at this point,” as your parents liked to say, conveniently when he was around to overhear.  He smiled and greeted them, standing up and bowing as they came in. Most friends would be weird around your parents and brothers, but he fit right in and could seemingly win anyone over with his charm and smile. It made you feel a little less stupid that you weren’t the only one in your family who was completely defenseless against him.

After greeting your parents and looking at the time, Tae excused himself, saying that he had a shoot early the next morning. You walked him to the door, where his mysteriously efficient manager would be waiting outside the gate. He hugged you goodbye, fingers trailing down your sides and settling on your hips. Right as you were working up the courage to ask him what was going on between the two of you, the manager honked the horn loudly, probably waking up all of your neighbors. You sighed and watched him wave as he got into the van. Whatever this was, you would have to talk to him at some point soon.

The next morning, you were at your desk, trying to work on some report for the company, while checking your phone surreptitiously. You knew he was working, but you still couldn’t stop yourself from looking and hoping that there would be a message. You sighed and ran your hand through your hair. This wasn’t like you at all-when did you become the girl who pined over some boy? In theory, you had always prized yourself on your independence, but all it took was one crush and you were seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. Instead of waiting for him to text you, you decided to woman up and text him. You remembered his months old excitement about going to the aquarium and decided that it would be a relaxing, fun place to visit and more importantly, away from both of your families and friends, which might give you a chance to talk. It was a rare day off from filming, and you wanted to make the most of it (in more ways than one). You knew it was a little risky to go out in public without cameras, but it was during the day on a weekday, and you hoped that people would be at work or school, and the two of you could have a low-key outing.

After putzing around on your computer a little while longer, with literally nothing to show for it, you finally heard your phone ding with an incoming message. Tae, being Tae, was of course all in and wanted to meet you there straight from his shooting in order to maximize the time the two of you would have at the aquarium. For someone who was portrayed as having his heads in the clouds, he was very strategic sometimes. Knowing that your work was a lost cause for the day, you went over to your closet and started to get ready. You wanted to be casual, but also look cute in case it was time for your big confession. You threw on some high-waisted shorts with pineapples on them, and a black crop top, and completed the look with an oversized yellow cardigan and flats. Since you were a celebrity now too (though it was still weird to think about, and something that you hadn’t really come to terms with), you added round sunglasses and a face-mask for a modicum of privacy. Unlikely, but hey, a girl had to try.

Half an hour later, your driver dropped you off outside the entrance to aquarium. You were waiting for Tae, and looking at your phone when someone tickled your side and you screamed. So much for maintaining a low profile. Luckily, no one seemed to be paying attention. Tae was smiling at you like he had just pulled off the biggest prank of his life. You suspected it was because of the makeup (since he had come straight from work), but he looked so symmetrical today that it actually took your breath away. He was wearing one of those oversized Oxford shirts you loved, and perfectly fitted pants. You felt very twee next to him in this outfit. Should have gone for the LBD and pearls, you thought to yourself. Tae could wear anything he wanted and look perfect, but you would have looked overdressed.

Before you could feel too self-conscious, he grabbed your hand and the two of you were on your way. Of course, you wanted to see the sharks, and he wanted to see the penguins, rainbow fish, “Dory” fish, stingrays, and well, everything really, so the two of you ran around the aquarium hand in hand like you were giddy kids. When you made it to the stingrays, they had an exhibit where you could touch them, which was a weird sensation. When you went to take a selfie, they started swimming in a formation, and ended up splashing the two of you head to toe. The phone was fine, but you were both cracking up at your surprised expressions in the photo.

After roaming around a bit more, you finally took a rest at the cafe, drinking smoothies and just generally enjoying each other’s company. You settled into a companionable silence (rare, for the two of you), and you felt like it was time.

“Tae,” you started to say, your voice coming out quieter than you meant for it to, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

He leaned in, tilting his head down, and staring at you, eyes open wide.

“So, I understand that we’re an on-screen couple, but I’m going crazy trying to figure out what this is. Are we friends? Something more? I could be reading too much into it, but I’m pretty sure you were about to kiss me when we were in Daegu? I want to trust myself, but I’ve also been deathly scared of ruining whatever it is that we have right now, and scaring you away again. With as much time as we spend together, I don’t think I could handle it if you weren’t in my life anymore…” you stopped to breathe, realizing that you had just dumped a lot on him all at once. When you had run through it in your head, it seemed so much more suave. You were pretty sure your cheeks were now pinker than the berry smoothie you’d been drinking.

Tae leaned in closer, his face only a hair’s width away from your own. As he started to open his mouth to speak, you saw bright flashes and heard the unmistakeable clicks of paparazzi cameras. Dammit, you should have known. They could smell blood in the water better than the sharks housed here, you thought to yourself bitterly. How could you have been so naive and not learned from the first time you made this mistake? As you started to pull away, Tae placed his hands on each of your cheeks, and kissed you gently. You were seeing lights now, too, but you were pretty sure it wasn’t only from the cameras. You had thought about this moment for so long, but you were also in shock. After all this time running around and hiding, there was no hiding this. It was completely unambiguous to the camera people, and you weren’t sure what leverage you had left.

Tae brought you back to the present when he bumped his forehead lightly against your own.

“This should clear some things up. Let’s not hide it anymore,” he breathed. With that, he stood up, grabbed your hand, and the two of you raced away from the cameras and toward whatever came next.

[russellthornton]

Netflix and Chill: 15 Sexiest Movies on Netflix for a Good Turn On

Netflix is great for those with nothing to do. And these sexiest movies on Netflix will make your “Netflix and chill” session a lot more interesting.

This is your lucky day because we have done the dirty work to come up with a list of some of the sexiest movies on Netflix right now for you and your partner to enjoy.

Top sexiest movies on Netflix you’ve gotta watch

#1 Boogie Nights (1997). Boogie Nights may be old, but it is still gold. This flashback feature is set during the “Golden Age” of porn. It follows the story of a young nightclub dishwasher who rises to fame after being scouted as a male pornographic actor.

Set in the decadent and vibrant 1970s and coupled with the stunning appearances of Julianne Moore and Heather Graham, this movie will sure get the boogie going after the credits roll. [Read: Steam up the screen and your night with these steamy romances]

#2 Blue Valentine (2010). Blue Valentine is one of those films that opens up sweet, warms up into sexy, and then ends up in a pool of melancholic heartbreak.

This romantic drama follows the story and relationship of Dean, a charming high school dropout, and Cindy, an aspiring doctor. The film trails from the moment they first meet up to the rocky marriage that ultimately led to their separation. In between are romantic and steamy sex scenes that will surely make your viewing experience satisfying.

#3 Blue is the Warmest Color (2013). Blue is the Warmest Color is a coming-of-age romance film based on a graphic novel of the same name. A French teenager, Adele, explores her sexual identity from her relationship with a charming, yet enigmatic blue-haired artist named Emma. The sexiness and controversy around this film is tied to its raw and long depiction of lesbian sex.

But who are we to judge when this feature film managed to bag the Palme d’Or at the 2013 Cannes Film Festival? [Read: Why lesbian porn is way hotter than straight porn]

#4 Nymphomaniac Vol. 1 & 2 (2013). This two-part feature film was directed by Lars von Trier. He is notorious for his explicit portrayal of nudity and sex in film. And true to its title and creator, Nymphomaniac is not short of explicit and unsimulated sex scenes. Featuring an ensemble cast, the movie follows the story of a girl named Joe, a self-confessed nymphomaniac, as she narrates her experiences to a middle-aged man who found her badly beaten in an alley.

#5 Sleeping With Other People (2015). In the tradition of sexy romantic comedies that managed to pop-up on the silver screen every now and then, Sleeping with Other People delivers every bit of the tried and tested formula. You have story of the promiscuous Jake who meets serial cheater, Lainey, many years after they have a one night stand.

A sexually-tense platonic relationship ensues as they explore the feelings they begin to develop. Characters with raw, unapologetic sexual appetites will surely get you hot and giggly at the same time.

#6 Love (2015). Love centers around the relationship and sexual encounters of Murphy, an American cinema school student, and Electra, a French girl he met while studying.

This art-house erotic film is quite a treat. Enjoy the intimately-lit cinematic shots and non-linear story-telling with a pat at the heart during the ending. That is, if you won’t get distracted by the gratuitous nudity and sex scenes scattered between flashbacks of each character.

#7 Carol (2015). If you want to stay away from the raw, animalistic sex that’s bordering porn with a little trip on the sweet and gentle side, give this film a watch. Carol is about the secret romantic and sexual relationship between Carol, an older woman going through a difficult divorce, and Therese, an young aspiring female photographer she met at a department store. [Read: 13 non-porn erotic movies that are sure to turn you on]

Set in an era where same-sex relationships were unacceptable, the film is interspersed with scenes brimming with sexual tension, sweet and intimate, and heart-breaking at the very end.

#8 White Girl (2016). White Girl is another coming-of-age drama about the recklessness and decadence of youth. It tells the story of a young and adventurous college student named Leah. She falls for and dates a drug dealer she meets around her neighborhood. The film features frenzied scenes of uninhibited sexual encounters and wild, drug-fueled partying before spiraling down to its tragic consequences.

#9 Hot Bot (2016). Hot Bot’s plot can be likened to a geeky teenager’s adolescent fantasies. Take two awkward teenage boys who secretly acquire a state-of the-art sex doll with an advanced artificial intelligence and lifelike physical features akin to a Playboy model. Now get a villainous rich guy who actually owns the sex doll. Then, he sets the two boys on a quest to save their sex doll friend.

The film is chock full of sensual visual tease and adolescent sexual frustration that will make you remember those days when you used to fantasize about Kelly LeBrock on Weird Science. [Read: Hi-tech male sex toys that will change the way we do sex]

#10 Rocco (2016). Let’s take a break from the usual romance-drama-comedy cocktail features. Take a peek into the life of porn legend Rocco Siffredi in this self-titled original Netflix documentary. If you were watching porn in the 1980s to early 1990s, his name would be hard to miss.

The older, but still well-sculpted, Italian takes his viewers for a tour of the porn industry from the eyes and experiences of the man himself. Since this is a documentary, expect archival porn footage and behind-the-scenes footages with lots and lots of nudity. [Read: The naughtiest borderline porn movies on Netflix]

#11 Newness (2017). Newness is not only sexy with its generous amount of sex, hook-ups, and flirting, but also painfully relatable for its portrayal of the fast-paced world of online dating.

The film tells the story of a couple who met through a dating app as they rediscover what a real relationship is all about. Newness vividly portrays the nuances of a modern relationship from its wild and passionate side including the heavy emotional cargo of heartbreak, boredom, and isolation. If you want something that rollercoasters between sweet, sexy, and heart-wrenching, then put this flick on your list.

#12 Tulip Fever (2017). Tulip Fever is a historical drama set in seventeenth century Netherlands. It is the story of Sophia, the young unhappy wife of an older rich man who’s only focused on getting an heir out of their marriage. Sophia gets frustrated day by day as she learns about the exciting romances of the servants of the household. She finally gets her chance when her husband commissions a young and charismatic painter to paint their portrait.

The portrait session then steamrolls into a secret romance when Sophia starts falling for the handsome artist who reciprocates her feelings.

#13 Fifty Shades Darker (2017). Fifty Shades Darker is the much-awaited sequel and second installment to the Fifty Shades series. It catches up on the story of Ana Steele and Christian Grey.

Fifty Shades of Grey somehow disappoints with its painfully predictable plot, but it sure does a strong delivery of eroticism like a dominatrix’s whip on supple female skin. [Read: Is this a new frontier for kink on film?]

#14 Cam (2018). Cam is suspense-thriller that borrows heavily from real-life horror stories that came with the Internet age. This Netflix original follows the story of an online cam girl named Alice.

The secret live cam girl career gets upset when she finds that her identity was stolen by another cam girl whose popularity begins to soar after performing nefarious acts online. Fear and arousal may not go hand on hand but if you’re into a devious kind of sexy, then this film is for you. [Read: Unbelievable sexual fetishes bordering on crazy]

#15 Lust Stories (2018). Lust Stories is an anthology film that explores the concepts of love, sexuality, and relationships through four different stories. Each story takes its viewers through the dynamics of human desire as portrayed by the complicated sexual relationship between the characters. Between teacher and student, between master and servant, between a housewife and her husband’s best friend, and between a husband and his wife troubled by sexual dissatisfaction.

[Read: How to Netflix and Chill the right way]

From twisted tales of violent lust to sweet and passionate dramas, this list of sexiest movies from Netflix can satisfy your carnal curiosity or maybe get things a little bit naughty with your partner.

The post Netflix and Chill: 15 Sexiest Movies on Netflix for a Good Turn On is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

[bulletinedsolitude]

You’re just right at my skull. Great!

A Huge Trouble

A huge trouble, I reckon Walking with a doubt upon Looking from the cowls, the masks the rocks, the so deadly mocks

So kid, daring and dreamer Walk, reason than chin taller For the assertive you lend, and for the terrors, do bend

For as the time calls for you, you may not hustle for clues of where the compass points to Just gaze at your stars, and you

Shall highly know what to do.

More or less an hour before that piece existed, I had a painful blank page in front of me. That is a story of my trouble trying to start working on how to introduce myself “creatively.” It is a way of convincing and finding my momentum of writing genuinely, because that’s how I naturally like it—my pen must always spit out raw thoughts, like the ones running in my head in a state of solitude, otherwise the things that come out of my mind will sound foreign to myself, and someone told me non-genuine literature is trash.

Speaking of solitude, to officially start introducing myself, I will explain why I went with the name of my blog, “Bulletined Solitude.”

The Story behind Bulletined Solitude (that sounds like a so sad, so lonely feature story :()

First thought when I heard about making a blog, I wanted everything to be real, because it’s easier to write that way, and from there, the words would come out of me naturally. Writing is one of the things that I have resorted to when I felt something, because I’m not the kind of person who’s easy to get comfortable speaking about things that are very personal about me, so I would end up channeling all the emotions through my pen and paper. But for that to happen, my environment must have the sense of peace and loneliness.

So, I thought having a blog that features my honest insights, would be like bringing my solitude into publication, and bulletined solitude means something like that to me, so I chose it. And you thought it was deep.

So, yes, genuine yada yada, tell us about yourself then!!!

One thing that comes with writing, is reading. So that means I read, apparently. I started reading (literary-wise) when I was 13. I remember it was Bob Ong’s Kapitan Sino that I ever read first. And that basically influenced what I have read after that, and what I will be reading in the future probably. It is a fine chop of fantasy, dystopia, and heroic fiction. And we’re not snubbing the little touch of romance there, of course. Up to this date, my favorite books so far are Victoria Aveyard’s Red Queen Series, Veronica Roth’s Divergent Series, and The Eye of Minds by James Dashner.

While I think reading have shaped my mind better, I don’t take it seriously, so maybe it only does happen subconsciously. I jump into a book only with the aim to escape and be entertained, anything that comes with it is a subconscious blessing.

I really want to talk about my favorite book characters as well, because I’m an introvert learning only from book characters instead of going out and learning by myself. Kidding (jokes are half meant). But here they are:

Beatrice “Tris” Prior from Divergent. I love her basically because she’s brave and witty at the same time. I know the movies made her two-dimensional by portraying her as a stiff girl turned fighter and then she’s just that. But that’s expected for mainstream movie adaptations, always fails at shaping a character. In the book though, she was more than just that. Every choice she made meant so much more because her thoughts justified it, including the part where she sacrificed herself to stop the spread of serum that makes everybody lose their memories, which was sadly not featured in the adaptation. The movie series lost me there; I don’t deny that the first installment is still okay though.

Anika Dragomir from Anatomy of a Misfit. This girl gave me good laughs, but more than anything, I related to her because of her flaws—from her thoughts and her deeds. She’s a character who tried to be shallow by being one of the cliché high school perfectionists, but always knew she wasn’t. She made wrong choices and did regret, which makes the whole story much more close to heart. Also, #NoToGuns.

Logan McDonough from Anatomy of a Misfit. He is an adorable, loving, selfless person. He’s one of those few characters that you think were so easy and predictable, but at the end of the story, an act he did is revealed, so full of impact and so inspiring that it makes all your past impressions of him fade away immediately. His family is basically abused by his father who is a gun owner/enthusiast (he has a collection, if I remember correctly) and Logan’s the person who has been protecting his siblings from his father’s violence until that night when it all had to end with the loss of life.

Tiberias Calore “Cal” VII from Red Queen. He is not gonna be the last character I will list here from the same story so I’ll have to explain a little bit. Basically, their world is the Kingdom of Norta, a dystopian country divided by classes of two: Silver and Red bloods (except in the later installments, there will be Newbloods), with the former being the powerful ones for having supernatural abilities and the red bloods who are ordinary people. I listed him here for his bravery of breaking boundaries by connecting to a red blooded person, which is supposed to be forbidden as a silver blood, that may be easy-sounding, believe me, in his case, it takes a lot of guts. He is also just enough of confident and self-assured, which is deserved because he’s the first prince. And he embodies that strong and fearless but bending warrior. And he bears the ability of manipulating fire, so what’s not to like?

“I am your rightful king, Silver-born for centuries. The only reason you're still breathing is because I can't burn the oxygen from this room.” — Cal

Killed. It.

Mare Barrow from Red Queen. She made everybody’s jaw drop to the ground when she, a red blood girl, turned out to have the ability to create/control electricity. But her character is more important and she is here because of three things: she’s a fighter, she’s strong, and she’s a dreamer.

“I have lived that life already, in the mud, in the shadows, in a cell, in a silk dress. I will never submit again. I will never stop fighting.” — Mare

I am gagged.

Maven Calore from Red Queen. Spoilers first: her mother turned him an evil. But I will never forget how true he was at the beginning and how dreamy he was as a character. He was so good and so kind, I wanted to be his friend. And for him to be caged in his mother’s influence, I am weeping inside.

“The truth is what I make it. I could set this world on fire and call it rain.”

I have not lost hope for him. But…

(c) to owner

#MareCal since the beginning.

If it’s not enough evidence, I am obsessed with Red Queen; I need May 15th to happen because the fourth and final installment is released that day. War Storm, wait for me.

Moving on.

When it comes to television, I’m not denying my Super Inggo obsession back in the day. I craved so hard for a kwek-kwek every day. But recently, I’ve come to love English and Korean series/dramas also, most of them being anything fantasy or medical. Favorites are probably D-Day, Grey’s Anatomy, The Flash, Westworld and Stranger Things.

Power Rangers is on another level. It’s an interest I share with my brother (probably the only one). Now, I did not watch so much of it as a kid, I think I only watched two/three seasons, but lately I have been watching more because of him. And the 2017 movie deserves 5 stars, it was fantastic, it made me nostalgic.

I AM THE BLUE RANGER. Do not steal it.

I was a website layout enthusiast once; I don’t know how currently rusty I am at it because I’ve never tried it since Grade 10. My teacher made me attend this competition, Technolympics and I won it (surprisingly) when I was in Grade 8, but that was just a simple static HTML website, if I may be honest it’s the neat layout that made me win it, but it’s nothing special with the coding.

I was also a campus journalist; I jumped quite from different roles every time though: broadcasting team technician, to reporter, to paper layout artist, to news editor. It’s all over the place, so I really never got to develop one skill.

When it comes to my behavior, I am slightly that kid who stutters at first meeting, hard to open up, and just straight up awkward. I am very wary of what I say at first meeting, I kind of have trouble forming the perfect topic to throw out there to a person I just met. Even to people I’ve been with long enough, I always find a way to make up something funny just so we won’t go to the serious side. I also get crazy though, like laugh to the end of Earth kind of crazy.

And…I watch ASMR (a term for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response) videos in YouTube. They are used to trigger a static/tingling sensation which you may feel from the top of your head down your spine. I do it to enhance my napping though. Try some:

Category is: Slam book Realness

I never had a slam book, neither did my classmates (because we’re all boring; okay maybe at least one did or it���s just me who didn’t have). But I’ll be trying to be cool once in my life so here is me trying to answer slam book template questions:

PERSONAL INFO Real Name: Judd Vander Rondares Birth Month: May Zodiac Sign: Gemini Gender: M Age: 17 Romantic Status: Single (since birth and not ever regretting hehe)

FAVORITES Color: Blue Song: I Don’t Know My Name by Grace Vanderwaal Singer: Grace Vanderwaal Movies: Love You to the Stars and Back and Big Hero 6 Actors/Actresses: Winona Ryder, Joshua Garcia, Katherine Langford, Eddie Redmayne, Models: Kris Grikaite, Kit Butler, Jordan Barrett, Jhona Burjack, Julian Schneyder, Mayowa Nicholas

OTHERS Motto: Outdo yourself. What is Love (this can’t be not done): God is love. :D

ANSWER THE FOLLOWING

Where do I see myself 10 years from now? Was my learning in SPUP vital to where I’m leading to? I see myself a fully realized professional, independent, responsible, self-sustaining, and helpful citizen of the Philippines. hehe Back in Grade 10, there was a career planning program, and for the activities, I would always not know what to write for my future plans because there were not a lot of people who gave me inspiration of what insights I should have for my future aside from my parents, and one of the things that I liked about going in SPUP is that I was surrounded by people whose aspirations boosted what I already had in mind, but not very sure of. But aside from that, of course SPUP was a good school to go for SHS, and to be honest, any school would have been okay, because I’m going for a four-year college anyway and I didn’t need a school that would make me ready for literal work/job already, I just needed something to give me background for my future course, and SPUP did okay in that department, I believe.

Was STEM the best choice after all? Yes, because now that I know the path that I’m taking (will be further discussed in the next question), it is very apparent that STEM was the best choice for me.

What course will you take in college and why? My answer to this is like a continuation for my answer in the previous question. I recently just decided to take Medical Technology, and it was after a few talks with my mother, I didn’t know it was what I needed to make up my mind. I don’t mean that I was persuaded to take the course, I just didn’t have the confidence to take it, doubting that I may not be that passionate about it so I wanted some advice. I’ve long decided that I will not take a course that I’m not passionate about, I didn’t have to hear it from anybody—I just knew it. So, when I learned that she does think my plan is worth investing and especially knowing my cousin has graduated from it, made me motivated to truly pursue it.

What topic would you like to learn more in this subject? I already have taken Microsoft Office lessons and some HTML, so naturally, I would like something that I have never taken before. Since we already took Photoshop (I wouldn’t be mad for more though), maybe Illustrator, or anything for video editing. It would be also nice to revisit HTML since I’ve forgotten lots of tags already, or JavaScript.

Ask Me Anything.  Sir, masyado bang maikli tong introduction ko? Sorry po sa grammatical errors, ang dami kasi, mahirap mag-spot. Haha

Along your way, you’ll see the deepest secrets of my brain, never be terrified.

[mnovenia]

A GLIMPSE OF HEAVEN 

When was the last time you feel like butterflies are flying inside your stomach? When was the last time you realize that you are valueble, you accomplish something great, you belong somewhere? How do you feel when you know that you are ACCEPTED?

March 22nd, 2017 - The Day I Will Never Forget, I received an email:

Dear Marshella,

thank you for you application for the MIBM programme at Hanze UAS! We have checked your application file and we are pleased to inform you that you can be fully accepted. You will receive the letter of acceptance shortly, 

We look forward to welcoming you to Hanze UAS coming September!

You can prepare your StuNed application, please let us know if you need any documents for it.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Kind regards, Ekaterina Gurchenkova Enrolment Officer Master Programmes Member of the Admissions Committee Hanze University of Applied Sciences, Groningen Mobile/WhatsApp: +31 6 519 549 62 International Business School www.hanze.nl/ibs

After a long time waiting for something like this to happen, God finally reveal His direction for me. The first attempt to pursue a higher level of education was already popped up a long time ago. When I was an undergrad student, I went to see my professor for finalizing my thesis. His name is Prof. John JOI Ihallaw. He’s kind hearted, professional, heart-warming and respectful to everyone, simply the one that students look up to. He told me about his experience of getting a degree from a reputable university in the US, through a scholarship programme by President Suharto. It’s still vivid in my mind, right in his room, building F, morning time, I promise myself, one day I will also tell my story to people that God also enable me to go and pursue a higher education abroad. Not only Prof JOI, my favorite lecture Pak Radit also shared his story of him being granted a scholarship to pursue his education in Canada.

I have no idea how to turn that promise into reality, where should I look, who can help me, and so on.. Graduating from undergrad study, I tend to look for a job so I don’t need to depend on my parent’s monthly allowance anymore. I applied to go to Singapore, it’s failed and cost a lot of money. So I continue to work, while sending my friends one by one to the airport, because they got to go to London, Birmingham, Shanghai, etc to pursue a higher education.

I wish I could join them, but I burried all the envious feeling and jealousy deep in my heart, I just didn’t want to add more burden to my parents, it was all just seemed impossible, and so I just want to be independent at the first place. 

2013, my mother changed her job to a company in which the boss said he wanted to support my mom to send her children to go abroad for study. I was so excited, I was looking for so many school options and trying to apply. I finally being brave to tell few people that I actually have a deep longing to go back to school. But then, few months later, my family experienced the hardest time of our life. My mom lost her job, we sell most of our belongings, I got to sell my saving in a form of gold in order to pay my mom’s debt because she didn’t even receive her last salary. Looking for a high paid job for my mom’s age was not easy at all. Even after she found a new job, it was hard for her, she was very sick then we figured out that she had cancer. And we can’t save her..

Me and the whole family was hit to the very core bottom during those year. Never in my mind to stop and thinking about my dreams, it was all shattered. All I was thinking w just how to continue this life, without the anchor of my family, how to adjust my life by being a mom to my brother, a care taker for my father, self comforter by preaching to myself that it’s all gonna be okay, and life goes on. On the other side, this situation also force me to work harder because now I’m not only responsible to my own self, but I also have to support my longtime jobless father and newbie employee brother at that time. 

Going through all these reminds me that God is the only provider of all things exist in this world, He takes and gives away. According to His plan. 

Juggling through family problems, financial resource, health issues, church, ministry, social life and responsibility somehow made me feel lonely in this road. Like literally. While a Godly man sent by God is still somewhere in the corner, these routines bore me somehow.

Changing job doesn’t seem inviting, until January 2016, on a church retreat, God opened my eyes. I met lots of great people, they’re open minded, confident, and so put together. I look up to them, a lot, most of them are graduated from various reputable universities. At that time I was wearing a hoodie, given by Michelle, stated: “Penn State University”. Everytime she’s going home, if she asked what I want her to bring, I always said something small from university that you happen to visit. Simply because those things are what I value the most. I always wanted to wear one of those things as if I’m an alumni, yet I’m not. But when I wore it, two persons slap me on the face. One said: ‘Hmm, Penn State? Did you go there?’ (i’m ok with him since he’s a foreigner and probably just want open up a conversation), second one said: ‘whose hoodie are you wearing?’ (I was so embarrassed, she looked down to me and I know, because nobody ever thought I’d ever be able to be an alumni of such reputable university, simply because I didn’t get a chance to study overseas like them). Never mind, ignore my over sensitive pride and anger.

Anyway long short story, I knew this one guy was graduated from HU, he’s so kind, well behaved, smart and just basically adorable. Deep in my heart I always want to be compatible to talk to someone like him. Till I read his blog and it renewed my faith, there is still a man like this in this strange world. He came from a usual family but he’s faithful to God and he’s given open door to study all over the world with tons of achievements. For me it’s like: I want to grow up like him. 

I started to remember again about my childhood dreams and convicted that it’s not too late to start living up that dreams again, one of those is to study overseas. How? Thankful for opportunities and scholarships available in my country, and when I look back? My educational background is not bad at all. So first step that I did is taking TOEFL test. I was rushing because I wanted to follow LPDP’s timeline. I studied in between work (mostly I spent few hours after work at office) ministry at church, arranging different events, and so on then I managed to take the test on March 2016.

In between of family drama that cause me to sell my investment (gold) to cover my family’s fraud, and using my coworker’s credit card to pay for the test (thanks Tjung Mega). It was a great time to spent at home, with my father, without internet, away from my routine, and being treated like little girl again. And when I took the test at Vista Bandung, it feels so awesome. I met plenty of people from all over places, taking test for the sake of pursuing their dreams, and I feel so very accomplished because simple I DID IT, after a long hours of enduring the study, stress, worry and fear but well, thank God for the opportunity, I was like don’t mind at all to sell my belongings for taking TOEFL test :’)

I was waiting till I decided which school should I register, my hope LDPD was gone, I couldn’t make it on schedule. Then I interacted with a Alfan Rezani which I know from Indonesia Mengglobal. I was hesitate but his email reply after reply somehow give me hope. When the time was due, I hesitate still to send my application. I remember that christmas/new year time at Michelle’s house, I was so confused, stressed, under pressured and have no peace at all. One thing I know of, I didn’t pray for this matter because I was afraid that this was just a selfish desire. So basically that shows how I rely on my own strength.

And then I found out for the first time that I can’t bear any longer. All the pressure I put to myself, about my future school, relationship with Sam and different expectations, caused me being hospitalized for the first time in my life.

After I went out of the hospital, I dare myself to just submit my halfway school application to Aarhus University, simply because I received a deadline reminder. Then I watched Lalaland movie that made me so proud because I dared myself to submit an application, finally, one very small step but yet I found it was brave enough HAHA. Behind the story: of course I wouldn’t be able to pay the app fee which cost me around 70 euro and so I asked my coworker’s credit card again (thanks Juned), and promise him to pay in installment for 3 months. I was waiting, hoping for any answer from AU then finally an email came and they asked me for course description of my previous study. With another drama, it was so hard to get the document from my old uni, that cause another headache (thanks Nongky for all the help). After I submitted the additional document, I didn’t reallyy remember what’s going on. Suddenly it’s a day after my birthday. I was still celebrating myself here and there, and on March 2nd, 2017 I opened an email from Aarhus University: (my heart was pounding like crazy, I said God, this email can either change my life because I get to go to Denmark or the opposite) and it said:

Application to Economics and Business Administration - International Economic Consulting, summer intake rejected due to lack of qualifications

I couldn’t remember how I handle the feeling In my life, I didn’t receive many rejections. Applying for jobs, schools, even to be friend with someone, I was mostly got accepted. I processed this rejection in a poor way. I was just trying to be strong, tell myself that it’s ok, the world is still going round, I tried so hard to not see God as a bad provider, and of course, I didn’t tell anyone about it.

Trying to handle that myself caused me a bad bad anxiety problem, I got so insecured, I lost my confidence and kind of lack of appettite to do anything. Different celebrations that people made for my birthday didn’t even help, until poured this to Michelle and she prayed for me she listened to me and cooked for me. She’s truly a God-sent friend.

March 12, 2017

It’s a day after my mom’s birthday, she supposed to turn 57 if she’s still alive.

I was at my bedroom on Saturday night. I was tempted to watch something bad but turned out that I saw a scholarship page from Nuffic Neso, about Stuned, Orang Tulip Scholarship, NFP, etc. I was interested because it hasn’t due, I mean, I still have time to apply. I scroll back and forth, I asked God which one which one, I downloaded few brochures from different uni, until I don’t know why I register to Hanze University of Applied Sciences (the possible due date maybe is the reasone why). And: DANG, it’s due in a week after I accidentally registered myself. 

Dear Marshella, We thank you for applying for one of the study programmes offered by Hanze University of Applied Sciences, Groningen (Hanze UAS). Hanze UAS has assigned you the Student number 373079. Please mention this number when communicating with Hanze UAS, so we are able to assist you better. I knew that I have to submit my full application before March 19th, which I know I’ll be away to my hometown for my bestfriend’s bridalshower. I was like why God why that date, I knew I would be so busy preparing everything, but it means I have to submit before March 17th because I can’t do that from Bandung.

Of course with a touch of Michelle’s help I managed to submit online, I was ready to pay for another application fee charge, I was just don’t care because I see an open door, I have peace in my heart and I know God was alongside me and make the universe conspires to help me. The last thing I have to do is to click ‘submit your application’, and then THAT’s ALL. Hanze UoA didn’t ask for application fee, PRAISE PRAISE to the almighty God.

Around 5 days after I submit, I was at my office and doing regular email check then I found that Hanze UoA has accepting me as one of their student!! I shared the news with my LCG Amel, Michelle, Nongky, Juni and Ci Sisca.

Then I thought, what now? I just need to figure out how to pay and what kind of scholarship I can apply. In the midst of so many things, I managed to apply to Stuned (a bit tight, again because it’s due before my long-awaited trip to Coldplay concert in Singapore). Again Michelle help me and Juni gave me her cousin’s contact to help me for my application. I asked Cheri, Kara who went through the same situation. It enhances my knowledge but still I didn’t know what to expect, I am afraid if I put too much expectations, but I don’t want to be hopeless and not trusting God for this matter. 

To be honest, I doubt myself too, there are so many greater people out there that deserve this scholarship. But it also hurts to think of ‘why not me’, is it because I am half chinese? My life is not miserable enough? My so-so job? And many other things that can hinder me to believe that I deserve a scholarship, to be able to find fund for my master degree, to trust that if God gave me this desire and He doesn’t just give to take it away again. But one thing I’m sure of, if He wants me to go, He will make a way, and He will open the door no matter how people and even myself won’t :)

Jeremiah 29:11-14  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord,

Amsal 23: 18  Karena masa depan sungguh ada,dan harapanmu tidak akan hilang.