#GLAD TO HAVE THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM NOW
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at the point in transitioning where i'm getting a 50/50 pronoun split (got he'd to my left and she'd to my right at the concert i was at) :) BUT i cannot woo or sing along the way i used to because sound either does not come out, or i sound like a squeaky toy :(
#personal#honestly glad i got a lot of that out of my system before DJFKGGK#like if i was like this when i saw my chem. it wouldve been devastating#<- about the singing part not the pronoun part LOL#the 50/50 split happened at the new job too. crazy stuff#i corrected them there though. but it's wild i don't have you ask Everyone now#as always. when the substance that changes how you look actually changes your looks?! 😱😱
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i know that jesse armstrong is more than capable of knowing when to end a series but the way it was announced that season 4 is going to be the last one kind of made me feel like the whole process behind it is a bit sketchy. they only revealed that s4 is the last one only a month before the premiere, even after posting teaser trailers that never even hinted at the season being the last, and even the cast got the news only during the table read for the final episode. the promotion of season 4 has been disappointing especially when compared to season three. while the actors are not the ones writing the show, most of them have been very clear that they could have seen the show go on for another season and their disappointment over the show ending has been clear as day. while an ambiguous ending will be a very fitting end to succession and i am not against it, i am definitely wondering if the decision to finish with season 4 was something that developed during the filming process instead of it being a clear guideline throughout the creative process of season 4.
#succession#idk my biggest complaint is not telling the actors. like i get it that it might have impacted their performance but still#it is their job and definitely a big and meaningful project for all of them. and if they got to know only in january or something???#at that point there was already teaser trailers coming out and basically no hints of the season being last. ofc i don't know what goes on#behind the scenes but personally i am a bit annoyed sdjhfdsf#i just keep remembering that one quote from jesse where he said that they're gonna keep going as long as it keeps being fun. huh.#maybe i'm just bitter because my favorite show is ending. but i am not a fan of how this season being last has been handled#but i am glad that at least the reviewers think the season is great and i am incredibly excited to see what happens!!! i just wish the#annoucement had given everyone more time to come to terms with the ending#also this has been bothering me for weeks now and i wanted to get this out of my system before the premiere. please enjoy
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THIS SUCKS!!!!
#SORRY I HAD TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM#she's not gone yet but. very soon.#if i had to guess i would say sometime during the night or tomorrow. very very soon.#ive already said all my goodbyes and we sang around her bedside one last time and i think im as ready for it as ill ever be#but that being said. how the fuck do u get ready for your mom to die.#but it's not all bad.#my aunt was sitting by me while we sat at my mom's bedside and just shared stories between singing#and she wiped the tears off my face and traced my veins and held my hand while we both cuddled my dog#and idk. im the black sheep of the family but that doesn't mean i'm not part of it. even when shit sucks.#and these last couple months have been rough because first i lost my friend suddenly and now the thing we've been waiting for#for 3 years is finally happening#and idk. in a way i'm glad it's happening because i won't have to watch her suffer anymore. and in a way i won't suffer either.#just kinda ripping the bandaid off yk.#anyway i am contemplative and mostly at peace this fine night. we'll see what the morning brings.#winter speaks#personal#grief tag
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Images of despair [stellaris version]
#when you're fighting the scourge and making 700+ alloys a month but you NEED MORE#genuinely so glad I invested into a dyson sphere early on to suck the market 100% dry of alloys#pumping out ships because my life depends on it#just imagine. you're a space trader and you heard there's some invasion of bugs somewhere in the galaxy#then the strongest military you've ever seen rolls up and offers you 'any price you name' for spare metal on your ship#you laugh and say '600 energy credits and I'll give you four metal pipes!'#the military says 'deal' and immediately deposits 900 energy credits [the market price of alloys is already increasing]#anyway I'm now sitting here with a military over five times larger than my naval cap#and over four times the population I had before the war#reason: people evacuated the planets the scourge bombed#thousands of pops have settled straight into my empire even in the most dire planets#every square inch of living space is now taken up and every single job is full#every single planet has unemployment [i have an overabundance of consumer goods so I'm just giving them all free stuff]#oh and since I'm gearing the economy now towards 'well. they gotta work SOMEWHERE' [building as many commercial districts as possible]#I am spending hundreds of special resources I do not produce to keep massive company complexes running#imagine this: strange otherworldly beasts are running down your homeworld#you escape into space in a small cargo ship stuffed with people#it's barely enough to be considered a transport but it gets you far enough away to feel safe#as you are running you see the largest collection of ships in your life warp into the system#they unleash hellfire on the aliens and then neuron sweep the planet [the very ground of which got infected]#you shed a tear and look away from the window#three days later you're told you've arrived#you touch down in an extremely busy landing area#there are hundreds of thousands of people everywhere. the mood is joyous#there are screens set up in the square broadcasting the eradication of the aliens#you see people in the crowd you've never seen before. people speak in tongues you've never heard#a guide calls over to you and all the other new arrivals#apparently you weren't the first to run. you won't be the last either#this planet has more than quintoupled its population and is still recieving many people every day#luckily the government has declared they are going to be constructing massive projects to introduce new jobs
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read the sunshine court and have never been more impatient in needing a second book my god
#tsc#tsc spoilers#tagging bc im talking in the tags but holy fuck im ngl i came into the book as a jerejean shipper but now im shipping him with EVERYONE#him and renee were so sweet god i cant#him taking her photo and thinking about rainbows 😭#but also excited for my man Jeremy bc he's got layersTM like an onion#need to know why he doesn't like his family and if he ever confides in Jean to convince Jean to confide in him#but also them oggling each other was hilarious#jean said his name once and had jeremy kicking his feet and twirling his hear#jean's braim shutting off whenever jeremy is shirtless avdhdj#need them to get together but i love Jean and his story and im so glad i reread aftg before reading this book#obsessed with jerejean as individuals and i love how much Jean appreciates the othrler Trojans#GAAAAH#also heart was in my ass when Grayson attacked Jean and thank god my boy neil sent out a hit on that fucker#also people realizing neil looks insane to other people like um yes...literally everytime he opens his mouth even in his POV#he says some scary shit bro 💀#adding more tags bc i forgot to talk about kevin but i also can't get over their angst its just so good#their time together at evermore and jean teaching him french only for it to be the used against him by accident#they're too fucked up to ever really be friends again but they've both got their own support systems now#thinking about them meeting to do the interview ... chewing on glass#i have to go ravage ao3 now
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I just want to read a good book 😭
#so frustrated after wasting my entire evening on a sh*tty DNF. ugh#the one before this started out strong but fluked on the ending#hormones are also setting in. i'm glad babe is working a night shift because that poor guy shouldn't be around me right now lol#uuuuuuuuughh#anyway#gonna continue the f1 romance. f this sh*t :)#i may or may not have alcohol in my system so excuse my french
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today in the wild I came across a phrase to the effect "...And this [pair of ethical axioms about what constitutes quality of life for purposes of discussion about disability and coma prognosis, based on the opinion of one person who has not ever been in a coma or disabled thereafter] suggests that maybe, just maybe, [relevantly comatose or recovering or disabled] people may have quality of life sufficient to make them ethically relevant"
that's ... not, um, normally considered to be what makes people "ethically relevant" in the world where all the people are and there's sunshine and grass and things, but, you know what, ok jennifer, A for effort! :) gold star for you, philosopher extraordinaire, moral lodestar for people unsure what to do with granny, paragon of ethical conduct!
#they had to put me in a coma because i declined really fast after pediatric brain surgery#it was not a long coma by most standards but i had to get so so much physical and other therapy about it#like i was out here relearning to walk and speak it was a really long recovery#people like this are of an opinion that people like me are ~simply suffering too much~ to be ~ethically relevant~#which i think is a particularly shit form of pseudobenevolent ableism#what degree of pain do i have to experience before the invisible hand of Ethics decides i shouldn't be resuscitated if I fail#how much does my life get to suck before jennifer here decides it isnt worth living and what will that décision mean#objectively of course i was doing all of this in ukraine so the opinion of this ethicist-panelist would not have been worth anything at all#but i was so close to like being euthanized like a little mop dog#not formally exactly but my mom told me once that she thought about smothering me a lot while i was in recovery#and it was entirely because she was terminally theorybrained about suffering and life-quality in the same type of way#and if it were a medical availability i probably would not be here because i was so absurdly difficult and expensive to raise#and its just like man. i am begging you to remember the humanity of the subjects when you put these things in science papers#im having an ok morning globally i just want to blog about this on the internet to get the thing it brought back to me out of my system#i grew up with meaningful and painful disabilities + the fact that my neurology miraculously knit together into something “more workable” i#totally coincidental actually. what if it didnt? if it didnt + i was still in pain from the sun and wobbled like an earsick kitten then???#that was the thing here like there was a 70/30 chance I would have needed a talking board and power chair#i am glad i do not but i am also very sensitive about this type of covert desire to decide about their right to live for people who do#i dont remember a lot of my childhood but i remember a lot of that pity laced with something i can now identify as revulsion to my pain#and i remember that i didnt understand it and that all i wanted was to be like other kids who were wanted and hoped for and believed in#and i dont know like its an individual thing its a family thing whatever but yesterday i had a weird trauma memory moment#that was about being displaced a little bit#which is an awfully vulnerable thing to put here but i am not asking for your sympathy i am just saying i was tender and a bit insane#and then i stepped on this rake! good morning insane asylum 《sunshine》#today will be a better day than this#im going to make the tags froshgriping and froshplaks for my bitching and personal sniveling feel free to blacklist them#froshgriping#froshsniveling#froshplaks
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Having a post get popular enough to be independently reblogged by someone you follow but aren't mutuals with is. Wild
#yes it was the sex poll obvs#given the person is a minor i'm very glad they picked answer one lmao#like i do think minors in general are allowed to want and even have sex (with each other obvs) but when it's a minor i personally follow it#would just make me feel pretty weird lmao. like on a personal level ya feel? i mean when u reach an even closer level it becomes not weird#again like my dear friend ness (17yo) who afaik doesn't actually HAVE any sex but occasionally wants to and i support her hot girl summer.#but as stated this person barely knows i exist i just follow his blog (i used they earlier but this was incorrect but tumblr won't let me e#edit the tag 😔) and he's 16yo so seeing him talk about wanting and/or having sex would have been. uncomfortable. like obvs he'd be allowed#to because my personal discomfort is no indication of morality but you get it. like if my big little cousin (she's 15 now by god the years#don't stop coming) were to talk about sex and stuff to me or within earshot i would ummm. throw myself out the window? but like i'd still t#try to be supportive and if push comes to shove then yes i would give her condoms 😔 cuz like if a minor wants sex i will not be able to sto#stop them lmao but i can at least try and make it somewhat safe y'know#actually i remembered i have literally given a 15yo a condom before lmao she's prolly over 20 now but like as the adult dormmate it was alm#almost like a responsibility y'know like what do you want me to DO?? let her get pregnant?? anyway enough tangent lmao#btw all this is also why in the poll i included 'too young' but didn't specify an age cuz that's individual y'know. some people are p late#bloomers (i was one) while others choose to have consensual sex by 14 y'know. not something i like to think about but that doesn't mean it#won't happen ya feel. i mean what am i the american education system? lmao. so some ppl have interpreted being 17 as too young but there's#also folks like this who clearly consider 16 old enough and that's defo ppl's good right. and again i usually don't mind just the fact that#he in particular is someone i already knew made it uncomfy. but anyway yea back on topic it's very interesting in general when your post#gets big enough to independently make it to ur dash thru a non mutual lmao. love the hellsite honestly where else amirite#personal#mine#ok to rb ig#like the actual body of the post anyway. i'd be pretty uncomfy if said person saw my tags on this cuz y'know it's kind vagueing even if it'#not negative but anyway. anyway#*kinda
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The anger I feel listening to Would've, Could've, Should've is insurmountable. I'm 19, and just view myself as such a kid. Like it's always really weird and gross to me when older people view me as a full adult, because I'm really not! I can't legally drink. My brain isn't fully developed. I'm more mature than I was as a younger teenager, but I'm still missing so much life experience. It kills me that Taylor dealt with so much at my age. She was a kid. I'm glad she is able to look back and acknowledge that her childhood was taken from her and that she was taken advantage of. I hope she's healed from all her teenage self endured.
#I have so many thoughts when listening to songs like WCS/Dear John/ATWTMVTVFTV#I know there's 19 year olds that are more independent and view themselves as full fledged adults but personally that's not my experience#bc of the knowledge passed down through the experiences of people like Taylor I'd be mortified if a 30 year old man was interested in me#19 is a kid#two years ago I had to get permission to go to the bathroom#30 year olds have had so much more time to establish who they are and to grow+develop as a person#for a 30 year old to so willingly take advantage of a young girl is disgusting#we know Taylor has insecurities#everyone does but it's especially intense for teenagers#attention feels great#knowing someone wants you#so for someone older and much more experienced to see that and try to create a relationship...#sorry I just needed to let that rant out#there's much more eloquent and less emotional takes on this but I'm mad and not in the mood to be articulate#anyway the song is beautiful#Taylor is incredible and I love her#I'm sending her hugs.#I'm so glad she's in a better place now with a better support system and understanding#taylor swift#ashley rambles#would've could've should've#midnights
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[Lio] the way I’m like this 👌 close at all times to coming out as plural online
#liolog#=testing the waters by posting ‘personal OCs’ who all have the gimmick of ‘wowww they aren’t part of any specific story#so they can do anything! wow!’#=hanging out with my fursona for some reason? sure!#=some of them randomly resembling characters I like? it’s called inspiration obviously!#=listen there’s a furry artist we follow who is significantly popular#=and they have like#=at minimum three OCs very clearly based on one ffxiv character to the point that their names are all similar too#=and people don’t give a single shit#=is that person plural? idk. but like. you know? just. literally whatever#=any emotional baggage with our ex(es) aside they did the same thing#=fictives in their system had art posted online as ‘OCs’ who looked incredibly similar to extant characters with similar names#=and it’s like. ok. at worst sometimes someone goes ‘lol they look like (source)’ to which the most logical reply is#=‘yeah I like that character I’m glad you recognize the influence’#=obviously sometimes you have to stretch a bit if you’re a fictive with a very canon compliant appearance but like.#=it doesn’t even need to be that different.#=also if someone comments the above you can just be like#=‘yeah I was RPing that character but now they’re so developed they feel different and I am turning my interpretation into an OC’#=a myriad of options for not exposing yourself lol#=anyways I just. I got tired of not being able to post system shit. so I’m going to make it everyone’s problem now
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boys when they realize that theyre not unlovable and they have people to trust now and dont have to rely on only themselves to help them
#oh emmet brickowski we're really into it now#growing up lonely as fuck and having ur guardians emotionally neglect you fucking SUCKS. ive had to rely on myself and myself only and#whenver i start internalizing shit now i fucking realize that i dont have to anymore. i have people i can tell. i have people who can help.#and goddamn. im so glad i do but. i shouldve had this from the start. i shouldve had a support system in my family instead of having to#FUCKING DEPEND ON MYSELF TO DRAG MYSRLF OUT OF DEPRESSION AND BURNOUT AT NINE YEARS OLD
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Hi sorry because I did this a bit already, but would you mind me like/reblog spamming? If not then I can just schedule the posts I wanna reblog for later through the day etc
Homeboy do whatever u want !!! The fact you like my art / ideas / sillies enough to do that astounds lil ol me <- is very much just an artist / writer as a hobby
#Txt#answered#asks#anonymous#I saw someone in tags b like#‘This was sent to me’ and I’m like WHAT!!!#MY silly cringe nae nae doodle???!?)?)#Also tbh I prefer my tumblr audience than twitter cuz I feel like no matter when I post#People will get to see it eventually / consistently since the tagging system actually works#Vs just fleeting moment on the TL#That’s guaged by whether your audience is big or not#Mine isn’t !! My stuff only blows up if a friend rts it who has one#But here it really does not matter#Because the people who like it WILL seek it out and see it!!#And it’s like aw :] glad you liked it enough to seek it out#Bc I like it too! It’s why I draw#I’ve also been struggling w liking my art 4eva now but#I have genuinely gotten way better over the course of a year alone#So I should be nicer to myself for it#I’ve also learned that it honestly doesn’t matter if it looks good as long as what you’re drawing translates to what it’s meant to be#So stupid looking arms / legs / faces are good#Anyways I need to go to work#Thank U
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It’s 12:18 this is not the time or the day to be spotting some fuckery in dates and times not adding up in my memory.
#I was making vaguely bad decisions doing math about family ages etc and realized that the age for a particular family member didn’t line up#at all with my memories - like a solid 20/15 years difference there I’d estimate#and of course dates lining up isn’t the biggest priority when you’re an introject I know this but for the hell of it#I’m trying to rule out explanations that make sense without that first (not that this is actually relevant or anything#but I’ve been feeling weird and pretty out of it today due to external events so bad decisions and distractions go together)#there’s a couple ideas I have but I legitimately haven’t run across a weird puzzle like this while in the context of this system before#so… that’s something. If im around tomorrow feel free to ask me what the hell I mean by this#or even now whatever works. I may or may not be going to bed at a decent hour because it’s just one of those days#I’m just glad to have something else to focus on besides dealing with issues I apparently didn’t fully take care of the last time around
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Volo blues hitting hard tonight. Sometimes I wonder why I do all this, it makes me feel helpless. But I know it's meaningful for lots of people so I'm doing it for you fine folks
#not a volo#this is about twitter specifically#Tumblr is chill since I don't have to do content management <3#I say 'lots of people' but it's not like I have any way to know about that though#I'm barely getting any feedback on what I do anyway#very sorry for venting out but it really got on me tonight I was close to tears at some point#needed to get it out of my system#there's also the discord situation#I'm sad things moved outside of volonation#don't get me wrong other servers are fine and all!!! I'm glad even#this is about me not being able to move up#I couldn't possibly be invested in 2 servers at once#And I have not enough social capacities to start things anew#I don't want to give up yet!!! but the day I will leave Volostan behind will be so much relief I tell you#I already know I will miss it though#ok that's the end now lmao sorry#EDIT more precisely it involve fear of missing out and social anxiety (the part where idk what people think of me so they hate me probably)
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I hate raiders, mostly the hardcore's bc they're just cunts, but whenever they are in tune with looking at the game from a gameplay perspective (not just looking at logs), everything they have to report is shit I can feel even as a casual though I can't explain it as in depth as they can; and I have to agree it feels like the devs have forgotten how to make and balance a game in the last 3 years, as much as most players themselves suck at understanding and playing the fucking game (and how poor the game's learning tools and mentors are as well) since it's seen as a vehicle for story cutscenes or mashing buttons
If the gameplay keeps going dumber across the board that would take away the last legitimate reason I have to play it and surprisingly I don't like the thought of that conversation with myself
#my attitude is like half a toe in the raider mindset and half the toe in casual i can't commit to either bc i dont like either enough#but if you have a brain and have been playing as long as i have or longer its so obv we are downhill rn#Stormblood was the last time the entire game as a game felt engaging for a majority of time#ive been kinda lucky as a DRG main bc they haven't butchered it as much as others but idk how long that will last every patch#and the healing situation the last 3 years is fucking ground zero Chernobyl elephant's foot#anyone who had / has followed me long enough knew / knows i already feel this game sucks but if you make the Game part worse#then it'll Fucking Suck in a way where i don't think i could say I Hate It But I Like It anymore#it feels weird being someone who came in when Stormblood was Brand New bc i was there for all of it when the story sucked not the gameplay#then being here since is like watching the story have a seizure and the gameplay crashes into a fucking cliff outside of a few#DRGs are workhorses so if we go down too w these rework trends idk man... we're traditionally the burst#concerning to me that other classes are also revolving around bursts now plus shittier braindead buttons#homogenization sucks#i will say though im glad the frequency of LOLDRG jokes has gone down these few years bc it was never funny#its been used way too much to target and harass every DRG or if you made even one mistake- got called a lot of slurs & things bc of it#one last thing you may say There's More Than Fighting Here Wtf Are You Bitching About-#the main function of the game IS fighting it has ALWAYS been fighting its the main interface by which you play its why DF & MSQ are tied#combat is integrated into quests into dungeons into raiding into socializing into the MSQ etc whatever isn't fighting is subordinate#so yes if the combat system gets worse then that's a huge chunk of the game now shit- its not a visual novel go play a VN if you want that#now if you say the only reason i still play is bc i wanna eat Yugiri out then- *Squidward running meme*
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ripping the bandaid off. I think one of my "friends" no longer likes me anymore, which is honestly, totally deserved. I sent something and they didnt respond, and im guessing those tiktoks werent meant to be sent to me. But i was a complete bitch to them anyway, they're well within their right to not like me actually, but im not letting it bring me down. But i think its best to just let them go instead of trying to vye for their attention because "validation", it was actually giving me anxiety all day 😗😗, but im glad i got it out of system.
#entry.txt#like its horrible that i pissed him off and his friends and it sometimes keeps me up at night#i rlly do wish i could take it all back and say im sorry#but whats done is done#and i was only human#now all i can do is not repeat what i've done#but im glad one of them still likes even tho i was horrible#ahhhh im glad to have gotten that out of my system <3#vent
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