☆ de fontaine
{☆} characters furina
{☆} notes cult au, imposter au, drabble, gender neutral reader
{☆} warnings angst, suicidal thoughts, hurt / no comfort
{☆} word count 1.4k
This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair!
She thought, for one moment, she could put the mask down and breathe – for one moment of daydreaming, she thought she could just be Furina. She thought she would finally get to live the live she should've had in the first place, the life she threw away to play God to an audience who saw her as nothing but a circus animal, dancing to their whims. Furina just wanted to be selfish for one brief and fleeting moment..and it was gone before she could even grasp it in her hand. A comet soaring past far out of her reach.
She can barely keep her hands from violently shaking as she looks down at them – broken and bloody and more a corpse then a person – and she feels so numb she can't even feel the rain pelting against her back. None of this is fair, she wants to scream, why is it always me? But her voice is silent beneath the torrent of rain. She wonders if the ocean would take her if she sank into it's depths – just for a moment, she wonders how it would feel to finally be able to sleep at ease.
Furina is tired.
But Furina is nothing if not useful, isn't she?
So she forces her feet to move, dragging against the stone beneath her heels, and drags their bloodied body into the nearest empty building, letting the rain do the work of washing away the smeared blood following her path. The smell makes her feel sick, the feeling of it sticking to her hands and gloves makes her lightheaded, but she persists. Because Furina is useful, because Furina won't let them die out in the rain, because Furina won't stand by and just let them rot on the streets like some..pest.
Furina wants to go home. She wants to sleep and she isn't she if she wants to wake up, this time. But she keeps going anyway.
Because it's all she's ever done, and the habit sticks.
An Archon she may not be, not anymore, but the expectations of five hundred years still linger like eyes on the inside of her skull. They watch her, pry and prod at her thoughts, mocking laughter and judging eyes following her as she forces herself to dance to the song they weave with glee. Furina never stepped off that stage – she's still there, she thinks, watching the crowd stare at her in disdain as the curtain call looms above her like a guillotine. She still hears Neuvillette deliver her damnation and salvation with a trembling voice, still feels her hair stand on end when electro crackled like the crack of the whip, Clorinde's blade aimed at her like a loaded gun.
She's trapped on that stage and she never left, not really.
She hates it. She thinks she hates them, but it's not their fault. They didn't ask for this, didn't ask for everyone to turn against them, didn't ask for her to save them. Neither did she..yet here they are, she thinks.
She tries to tell herself she's in control this time, though. She can stop performing her part in this horrible, bloody play any time she wants. It makes her feel better, just for a little while, if she convinces herself she's still Furina, painfully human.
And Furina has always been good at lying.
It's the believing that's the hard part.
There isn't time for her to wallow in her own self pity, though. They're still bleeding out onto the dusty, creaky floorboards of some random, broken down house and she's just standing there as the blood stains the wood. She can fix it – she's good at fixing things. She's done nothing but fix things – try to, anyway – for five hundred years. She can fix a little wound, how hard could it be? Her hands are clenched so tight they ache as she kneels down, wincing at the creak of the floorboards beneath her heels– she hesitates just long enough to wonder if she's making a mistake before she peels away just enough of the outer layer of their clothes to see the deep, bloody gash across their chest. She tries not to think about it – it's deep, too deep, and she feels dizzy just looking at it, but she's handled worse, right?
Furina can fix it. That's what she's good at.
She doesn't feel so confident when she tries to wrack her brain for..something. Five hundred years, and a little wound stumps her? No, she had to have learned something, right? She's decidedly not trying to buy time because she's panicking, parsing through hundreds of years of memories like flipping through a book. Furina isn't made for this, not really – she's running on nothing but adrenaline and she's really not sure what she's doing, but she's trying. And just like before, it won't be enough, will it?
She'll fall short again – she'll be too late to fix it before she's alone again.
Furina was an Archon..used to be. What use would she have for that sort of knowledge? Which makes her predicament all the more harrowing and bleak. What was she supposed to do?
Furina had heard it first hand, that vitriol in Neuvillette's voice. She isn't sure she's ever heard him that..angry before. She's not sure he would listen to her if she tried, either. And that scares her more then anything. All of Fontaine was up in arms about this..imposter, yet here she was, staring down at them bleeding out in front of her, and she was trying to save them.
Why? Why is she throwing away her only chance at normalcy for a fraud? Why didn't she just turn them in?
They were dying – that should've been a good thing, shouldn't it? So why didn't it feel like it?
"Why you?" Her voice breaks as she speaks in harsh tones, grabbing the front of their shirt in trembling, bloodied hands. "Why now?" She wants to scream, to demand answers they can't give, to claw back the reprieve she was promised after five hundred years of agony..and all she can do is sob into their chest, pleading for an answer that will not come. "Why me?"
Silence is their answer, and it hangs heavy on her trembling shoulders as she cries.
Of course they don't, she thinks bitterly, no one has ever answered her pleas spoken in hushed sobs. Not her other self and certainly not them.
Furina has always been alone. Furina will always be alone.
Because Furina never left that stage, never left that moment when she looked at herself in the mirror and took up a mantle too heavy for her to bear. She always finds her way back eventually. There's no one on the other side anymore – she stands alone on a stage, waiting for an inevitable end she isn't sure will come.
"Please," She pleads through tears and choked sobs, clinging to them like they are all that keeps her from sinking. "Please don't leave me, too." The words burn on her tongue – how pathetic is she that she craves companionship from the bloodied body of the imposter? Perhaps she's truly lost her mind after all these years..perhaps she's finally gone mad. She must have.
But their presence is like the first feeling of gentle warmth upon her skin as the sun crests the horizon, like the gentle lap of tides along her heels, the sway of branches and leaves as the wind blows through them like an instrument all it's own. They are the soothing sound of rain against the window as she watches the dreary skies in fond longing, the first bloom of spring as color blooms upon the landscape like paint had been spilled across the hills and valleys.
They are like the faint spark she carefully nurtures and stokes, so fragile even the smallest wind could blow it out like a candle. She cradles it within her palms, pleads with whoever will listen – prays that someone finally listens, because if not for her, then for them.
She's failed to protect too much already, let too many people with so much trust in her fall between the cracks of her fingers like grains of sand. She won't let them go – she can't.
If nothing else, if she couldn't be saved when she begged for salvation from that five hundred year long agony, even if she never got that chance..
Furina will make sure they do.
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Designs of Happiness - Track A14
L4mps Main Story Translation
Title: Imposed Blessings
Characters: Nagi
Summary: Nagi is working alone at his shop after abruptly leaving the Friday Film viewing. The protagonist chases after him, and he finally explains his unique predisposition.
Thank you aca @463ce6, jes @arcanecrayonn myun @/myuntachis and Niri for helping me with proofing!
Also a gentle request from me, please do listen to the chapter in-game alongside the translation if you don't do so already, the voice acting is very precious 🥺🥺
Location: Flower Laundry
Sonia: Nagi-shan, here ish all the flowers you can use!
Nagi: …Oh no. This isn’t nearly enough.
Sonia: You came back all of a sudden from HAMA House, sho you have no right to complain!
Nagi: Sorry. Please get whatever’s left in the storehouse too.
Sonia: Aye aye, Shir! Geez, I’ll bring back as much as I can!
*bell jingles*
Customer A: ‘Scuse me! Sorry for popping in last minute—
Nagi: Oh, that’s alright. What can I do for you?
Customer A: Just a quick question– Does the laundromat here accept IzuPay?
Nagi: IzuPay… Ah, we don’t use that here yet. There were plans to add it as an option but it was delayed… Sorry about that.
Customer B: Darn… out of luck, huh. I guess it makes sense, not everyone would bother getting the ward’s special payment method.
Nagi: Other digital payment options are still available, and we accept cash too.
Customer A: Huh? Can’t believe there’s a laundromat that still takes cash…
Customer A: I thought they’d all be gone with the ‘Valley of the Sky’ or somethin’. POTHARU! and all that.
Customer B: Hey, don’t be rude… He’s standing right there, and that scene is long since over. Um, sorry about that.
Nagi: …It’s fine.
Nagi: (Right. I guess the film viewing would be over by now, too.)
Nagi: (...Why did I have to think about that now?)
Nagi: (I wouldn’t have lasted much longer in that situation… Just thinking about it gives me chills. I’m sorry I didn’t stick with Toi till the end, but I had no choice, I had to leave for everyone’s sake—)
Sonia: I’ve prepared the flowers for you!
Nagi: Thanks. —Let’s go, we need to leave right now.
??: Um, excuse me…
Nagi: Oh, yes, welcome—
Momiji: Good evening… again.
Nagi: ……
Momiji: Do you mind if we talk for a bit, Nagi-kun?
Momiji: ……
Momiji: (I can’t believe he ran out of HAMA House during the viewing… I guess he must’ve hated it that much, huh…)
Momiji: (Maybe I was being too naive in thinking that he’d open up with enough time…)
Nagi: ……
Nagi: (I can’t believe she noticed I’d left… I might have messed this up worse than I’d thought. She must be annoyed with me…)
Nagi: (No, I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, maybe she’s just here to check up on me. I clearly suck at communicating with others, so that might have gotten her worried…)
Nagi: (Still, it doesn’t change the fact that I troubled the Chief… I’m worth less than a plant louse that preys on flowers. I mean, even plant lice are useful to ants, yet I’m…)
Nagi: (No one would want a Ward Mayor that’s worth less than a louse.)
Nagi: (I wanted to take responsibility and see this job through to the end, but…)
Momiji: …You see, Yodaka-san just informed me earlier.
Nagi: Yes?
Momiji: That you haven’t slept at HAMA House even once, Nagi-kun.
Nagi: ……
Nagi: (So he knew. He’s too sharp to slip past, huh.)
Momiji: ……
Momiji: (Ah… He’s tensed up.)
Momiji: (I wonder if I should’ve approached it more delicately…)
Momiji: (I’d readily help him if he’d just let me know what he’s having trouble with, or if there’s something he’d like changed… But what if he says that he never wanted to be a Ward Mayor in the first place? Hrm… What should I say…)
Nagi: ……
Nagi: (She looks really troubled… I feel guilty that she’s worried over someone like me.)
Nagi: (I should just explain everything, even if it makes me uneasy. I know it’s the right thing to do, but… If I really just blurt everything out, she’d probably think I’m some kind of weirdo.)
Nagi: (But if I keep quiet any longer, she might feel hurt instead. What should I do…)
Nagi: (...The cyclamen at the storefront just caught my eye… In flower language, they mean “resignation” and “words of parting”...)
Nagi: (And next to it are the anemone, meaning “abandonment,” and the calendula, “sorrow of parting.”)
Nagi: (I see… I get it now.)
Momiji: Um…
Nagi: (I should… brace myself.)
Nagi: ……
Nagi: …If I don’t hand out flowers, it rebounds.
Momiji: Huh?
Nagi: The other side of the Yajirobe*.
Momiji: Uh?
Nagi: This is just a theory of mine.
Momiji: O-Okay…
Nagi: I believe that, just like with human emotions, if a person experiences great fortune or misfortune, then they will eventually have to return to a neutral state.
Momiji: Uh huh...?
Nagi: In my case, the rebound is especially strong. If I experience any fortune, then misfortune is sure to follow soon after.
Nagi: That’s what happened when I got caught in that bee trap before; I’m sure it’s because I’d won a set of tissue boxes the day before, at a raffle in the shopping district.
Nagi: This is my theory on the phenomenon I call “The Yajirobe of Fortune and Misfortune.”
Momiji: I-I see... It’s like when people say bad luck doesn’t last forever, or how something good is bound to follow after something bad… Is it like that?
Nagi: …Are you a genius? I feel embarrassed for making up a whole theory now. I’ll just use your explanation next time.
Momiji: No, no, I understood what you were trying to say with your Yajirobe theory.
Nagi: …To avoid having the Yajirobe go crazy, I need to avoid any situation that might make me happy, intentionally or not.
Nagi: Even a single slice of cake is too much for me. That sort of kindness… is too much happiness for me to bear.
Momiji: (So he’s saying the cake made him so happy that he had to avoid accepting it, and even ran out of the dorm just so he could avoid inviting misfortune…)
Nagi: But sometimes, no matter how careful I am, the happiness just piles up anyways.
Nagi: That’s when I bring these out.
Momiji: Flowers…?
Nagi: My special ability– Flower Power: Imposed Blessings*.
Momiji: …Um?
Nagi: By imbuing flowers with the energy from my accumulated happiness, I can impose the excess onto others. There's no limit to how many flowers can be handed out. The only debuff I have to suffer is embarrassment.
Momiji: (Oh…)
Momiji: (Is that why he was handing out flowers in the middle of the street the first time I met him…?)
Momiji: (Honestly, I’m not sure how much of this I’m supposed to believe… But at the very least, I can tell Nagi-kun is being serious about this.)
Momiji: I…see. So if you give away your flowers—
Nagi: The misfortune’s rebound gets weaker.
Momiji: –The misfortune’s rebound gets weaker…… Right.
Nagi: (As expected, she looks really confused.)
Momiji: Um, let’s see if I got this right– You felt that joining HAMA Tours, and living at HAMA House would—
Nagi: Accumulate a debt of happiness.
Momiji: Which is why you left.
Nagi: Yes. Something like–
Nagi: Something like working together, and living alongside others, just like a ‘family’... There’s no way to predict the amount of happiness I’d receive from just being there.
Momiji: (The amount of happiness…)
Nagi: Being surrounded by happiness like that… Holding hands, and shouting POTHARU together with everyone—
Nagi: It wouldn’t surprise me if an earthquake hit right after, and HAMA House ended up as a pile of rubble…!
Momiji: ……
Nagi: (She looks stunned. I guess that’s expected.)
Nagi: (It was just impossible for someone like me, who’s always avoided other people, to suddenly work with others and live alongside them.)
Nagi: (She probably thinks I’m a weirdo. It’s not something you can wrap your head around. It’s a natural reaction.)
Nagi: (I’ll just get myself fired right here and now, so I can return to my old lifestyle. A life with no big waves, just the mundane everyday.)
Momiji: I understand your situation now.
Nagi: ……
Momiji: Can I have all your flowers, then?
Nagi: ……
Nagi: —Huh?
Momiji: You just have to reduce that, um, debt of happiness, by giving away your flowers, right?
Momiji: But it’s probably difficult for you to find people to give flowers to on a daily basis, huh?
Nagi: …Is that… where this conversation is supposed to go?
Momiji: I think so?
Momiji: Then um, maybe your costs increase because you have to give out more flowers?
Nagi: No, that’s not really a problem. I can get a good discount if I buy it in bulk, so…
Momiji: I see. Then, it’s just a problem of who you can give your flowers to. Accosting strangers to give them flowers is probably taxing for you, and confusing for the other person too.
Momiji: But, since I know what’s going on, I can take as many flowers as you want to give away.
Nagi: I… I guess that makes sense.
Nagi: Wouldn’t it be a bother to you…?
Momiji: Of course not. You can never have too many flowers! I mean, flowers give a feeling of a fresh beginning, you know? They’re always nice to have.
Nagi: ……
Nagi: Here.
Momiji: Oh! A flower! Thank you very much. You popped that out like some kinda magician!
Nagi: …Flowers have always been a part of my life, before I’d even realized it. That’s why, it’s always there, right beside me, where I can reach for it whenever I want.
Momiji: Still, what a large flower! What’s it called?
Nagi: Peony.
Momiji: Aw, it’s so pretty! And it smells so good too!
Nagi: —......
Nagi: Next, this one.
Momiji: It has such a unique shape… What’s its name?
Nagi: Serruria.
Momiji: It’s so peculiar and cute! I wonder what I should decorate with it…
Nagi: Here.
Momiji: This is a crazy amount! It’s starting to look like a huge bouquet at this point!
Nagi: Here.
Momiji: Oh dear, the colors are clashing…!
Nagi: Here.
Momiji: I can’t see in front of me anymore…! *giggles* But—
Momiji: Thank you, Nagi-kun!
Nagi: I should be the one saying that.
Nagi: Thank you for taking on my happiness, Chief.
Notes:
Yajirobe is a term used for Japanese balancing toys. The mechanism involves balancing the main body at a fulcrum and making sure it doesn’t tilt too far in either direction before it’s balanced again, swinging back like a pendulum.
The name of Nagi’s ‘special ability’ literally translates to “imposing happiness/good fortune onto others through giving away flowers” which is super long hence why it got changed. He’s the type to make up silly names anyways.
Flower Language:
Peony
Bashfulness, Shyness
Serruria
Yearning, Beautiful heart
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