#HE LITERALLY TRIED THE INTERFERENCE TRICK THAT NOBODY FALLS FOR

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

Tommy:

[late-to-the-magnus-archives]

Worth the Price of a Bottle of Pop

So, anybody want a crack-fic with Kayne, Arthur, and too much sugar even for an Outer God?

Sugar calculations now included at the end, because why not?

AO3

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“What is so special about you? I checked. I watched your life unfold, Arty. I went back to see… well. I watched you grow, you graduate, you fall in love! Or… like. Let’s call it like. I watched your parents kill themselves, I watched your wife die, your child drown… boy, you’ve had a lot of death around you!”

Which could be the reason, though boring as fuck. There was sometimes an aggravatingly stubborn balance the universe pooped out.

Like pinning a paintbrush to the canvas instead of letting it sweep.

Like stuffing a fist (with or without arm, unimportant) into a tuba before it went full Flight of the Bumblebee.

Like—

“And?” says Arthur, getting all tough (it was cute, Kayne could admit it, like a kitten going floof), as if none of that recitation had hurt him.

Oh, it hurt him. Kayne can see the bleeding, the deep and lambent ooze from the wounds in his soul this self-hating moron literally prevented from healing.

“And,” says Kayne, “I still don’t see what the big deal is. I don’t see why you managed to survive. Anyone else, and believe me, I’ve checked the math through trial and tribulation (though not my own)... anyone who would’ve opened that book and taken what you took from Hastur would’ve died. They all die! Popped like a ripe cherry.” And he laughs.

Because… well. They did.

Kayne hits pause and returns to one of his game’s saved states.

#

It isn’t enough to just watch Arthur’s life. Obviously, he’s missed something, so he tries again.

It makes sense to start with the closest connected factor?

But Parker just blows right the fuck up, and while it is pretty funny (the unpredictability of bloodstain patterns when magic was the murder weapon never ceases to delight) (and and and Arthur has a lovely screaming voice), it obviously isn’t the answer.

Whatever. He buys a bottle of pop (never quite tastes as good in later times) and returns to the game in progress.

#

“So?” Arthur challenges, just so very spunky.

“So what’s so special about the little boy from Arkham that made it so? What’s so strong about you that I can’t figure out?”

Ooh, from Arkham. That was an idea.

Pause.

#

Six tests in (and twenty-eight bottles of pop), Kayne’s finally sure it isn’t Arkham.

He tries people who moved there, and people who were born there.

He tries Anna Stanczyk, who’s indirectly tied to old Shubby via blood and family, and that doesn’t work.

He tries Frank Underhill, because at least that guy’s got a more direct connection to the idiot deities running around like bugs with delusions of grandeur.

Popped. Popped. Popped.

It ain’t location, and it ain’t blood. Hm.

Maybe it was Arthur himself?

Kayne goes back again, kills young Arthur, turns his body to ash, and lives his life.

It’s not like he hadn’t watched it a dozen times already. Really fucking easy to make all the same choices, and have all the silly conversations—

(And bathe in that self-torturing self-centered bizarro balance Arthur seems to have, which makes no sense because he hates it about himself but still chooses it and doesn’t even know why and isn’t that delicious?)

—and make the same connections and write the same songs—

(Maybe not all the same, maybe there are some special tricks hidden in the ones he performs himself for recording, but nobody’s gonna really notice until the bloodshed, and he timed it all to come true after the book opens so it won’t interfere with the test.)

—and fuck pretty Bella and make little Faroe—

(And she won’t come out the same, no she won’t, and surely it makes no difference to store her away instead of killing her because when she comes of age that’ll be a laugh and a half… but pretending she’s dead, anyway, which is so easy to do.)

—and making reluctant friends with Parker and becoming a P.I. and finally getting the gods-damned book in the mail and opening it up and—

Popped?

Popped.

Popped!

What the hell! He did everything right! It’s entirely Arthur’s body! Whatever he had in him should’ve worked, but nooo, instead he had to die, and ooze, and splatter Parker with skull bits, and that was a fucking waste of thirty-four years. Ugh!

He calms down by drinking fourteen bottles of pop in a row and melting the glass into madness-inducing runes.

Fine. Still no answers. Fine.

He peeks to make sure Faroe’s alive (because she is gonna be a riot when puberty hits), and finally resumes his game in progress.

#

“I… I don’t know,” says Arthur, which is not the answer Kayne wanted to hear.

“But you do. You have to, ‘cause if I don’t, that only leaves one other person. So we’ve both walked a mile in your shoes, kiddo. Take a wild guess: why are you so different?”

“What do you mean?” says Arthur, who really seems to be some kind of freaky one-off, and for someone so self-centered is really missing the point that this is all about him. “Why am I…”

“So different?” Kayne’s being patient because this has actually gotten interesting. “No wrong answers here. Come on, let me hear it. First thing that comes to mind. Shoot it out!”

And then Arthur makes up some absolutely Hallmark-level bullshit about being human, and Kayne has to pause the world again so he can laugh his ass right off.

Oh. Oh, that’s just… too much.

Human. Sure.

Though maybe it’s not completely off?

Kayne couldn’t replicate Arthur’s human soul, after all.

Could it be something… soul-related?

Huh.

That’d be weird.

Because Kayne sees souls (eats souls, shreds souls, cuts them into shapes and sews them together wrong), and Arthur’s really seems completely normal, utterly banal, which makes no sense unless there’s some kind of—

“What the fuck are you doing?” bellows Sothoth, and the whole, frozen world damn near crumbles down.

#

“What?” says Kayne with all the guilt-free confidence of a cat.

“There have been complaints,” says Sothoth, who looks like an office manager, whose double-breasted plaid suit somehow speaks money and dullness at the same time. “You’ve created at least a dozen unstable timelines, without warning anybody, in the span of an hour! What is going on?”

“Oh, it’s all for this guy.” Kayne waves his hand and points.

Sothoth adjusts his totally unnecessary c-bridge pince-nez (which nevertheless do a great job showing off the third eye he bothers manifesting) and looks.

There is a long, stupid pause.

“What the hell am I supposed to be looking at?”

“Right? You don’t get it, either!” Kayne feels weirdly justified in his confusion.

“It’s… a human, with part of… what the hell is that? Hastur? It looks like Hastur. Except it isn’t.”

“Yeah, that idiot tried to steal a portal and got cut in half. Hilarious, right? But lookit! He’s in a human! And he’s changed!”

“This shouldn’t be possible.” Sothoth’s tone has changed, too, and Kayne does not like it, because now, it is darkly and distinctly interested. “I don’t see why it happened.”

“Or why the human is alive.” Kayne can’t help boasting a little. “I’ve already checked him out. Little Arthur here is a great big weirdo! At least, I think he is.”

“An interesting human.” Sothoth is thoughtful. “How unusual.” His eyes (so many! That show-off) have gone a sick, corpse-yellow, and his red pupils slit with focus.

Nope, not letting that play out. “This one’s my game,” says Kayne. “I already licked it. My mess, my conundrum. I saw it first.”

“You’re just going to kill them,” Sothoth points out, which is completely accurate.

“Well, sure, but not yet. I want answers.”

Sothoth sighs and dabs his forehead with a handkerchief that matches his silk tie. He looks put-upon, wearily managerial, and his rings each carry more power than an entire exploding sun. “There. Have been. Complaints.”

“If somebody’s got a problem, tell them to come to me about it.”

“No, because you’ll just kill them, too,” Sothoth says, being so aggravatingly reasonable.

“So?” Kayne challenges.

Sothoth eyes him. “Are we going to come to blows about this?”

That’d be annoying.

They’ve already done it twice, and then had to go rebuild the universes from scratch or there’d be nothing to play in, and it was a pain in the ass, and all the resident Old Ones (great and otherwise) bitched the whole time, and it wasn’t fun, and Kayne doesn’t like things that aren’t fun.

Hence the killing.

“No,” Kayne mutters. “We’re not.”

“You’ll restrain yourself?”

Kayne snorts. “Sure, that’s what I like to do with my time.” Sothoth gives him a look, and Kayne rolls his eyes. “All right, all right.” He throws his hands in the air. “I’ll just deal with these two, okay? Just fuck with this timeline. For a while, anyway, until the little pea-bruised princesses calm down. I promise.”

He says nothing about the Faroe he left under Daniel’s tender care, because a fucking Freemason priest raising a girl in tight and miserable morality with chaos in her soul is bound to be hilarious.

Also, it’s not him messing with that timeline if she’s the one doing things, right? She lives there! It’s her reality to break!

Sothoth visibly does not believe him, anyway. Looks like he’s about to produce paperwork, or something.

Kayne crosses his arms.

Finally, Kayne’s fellow Outer God shrugs. “If you make a mess, you clean it up.” And he vanishes.

“Way to kill the mood,” Kayne mutters, and tunes back in.

“...that humanity that allowed this fragment of a god to stay within me,” Arthur is droning on, and it is still funny, but less than it was.

Kayne sighs. “Eh… maybe. Probably? Naw. No, I don’t think so. Maybe? Probably not. Got another guess?”

“I… I have no other guesses,” Arthur says, because he put all his pwecious heart and soul into that tooth-rot of an answer. “You know more than me, clearly, by a country mile.”

And Kayne cracks up.

Because even though he’d lived Arthur’s life, he had not expected that phrase, didn’t even know Arthur knew it. Surprise (which is delight) cranks the saturation back up to eleven and peaks his interest all over again.

What else can Arthur do that’s surprising?

“Wait,” says Arthur, doing one such thing right now. “You said you saw my life. My daughter. My wife. You… you lived my life?”

So Arthur caught that.

Even John had not, and John’s shock is just whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.

“‘Lived’ is such a primitive word,” says Kayne, because he likes making people feel dumb. “Let’s just say… I understand you very well.”

Except he doesn’t.

He does not. This dorky little human, who would live and die and never make the history books, is surprising him.

“You know, I think I’m starting to like you,” he warns with great cheer.

And that should fucking terrify these two.

It doesn’t yet—but it will. It’s like making a joke they won’t get for a year.

This is all about planting seeds, after all, and seeing how Arthur’s soul makes them mutate.

So it’s worrying at Arthur’s emotional wounds via the music box, because Arthur’s soul bleeding is funny.

And it’s doomsaying to shake them both up and get them crazy to break away from “fate” (which isn’t a thing, but boy are these two afraid it is).

And a dagger, because a little violence never hurt anyone. Except whoever was on the other end, of course.

Then it’s off to the cheap seats, the metaphorical bleachers, where Kayne has settled in with some good old-fashioned popcorn and twelve 5¢ bottles of pop (real sugar, none of that corn garbage, which was funny as hell in terms of damage but tasted like absolute shit), and a show he’s going to remember for years.

And the dagger is used.

And the blood is great.

And everybody is wailing, and Kayne is having a blast.

Lucky them.

When he gets bored, he’ll kill them all—but he isn’t bored yet.

Lucky, lucky them.

(Was it luck? Naw. If it was, though, it’d be bad luck, and that sure was funny.)

So. This game. For a while.

Then off to see what Faroe is doing, and maybe nudge her along and see what she did if he went Vader to her Luke.

This, Kayne thinks, was well worth the price of a bottle of pop, and he cracks open another one and chugs.

---------

NOTES

So, hey! He drank 55 bottles of Coca-Cola.

In 1934, the bottles came in 6.5oz.

Each bottle contained 24.65g of sugar.

So, uh. By the end of this affair, he's had 1355.75g of sugar.

That's how you do it, I guess?

I am aware what I have wrought by creating a Faroe of this nature. We will see where THAT plot-bunny goes in the future.

And I'm quite sure all that sugar can't be good even for a being of chaos and death, but I'm sure as hell not gonna tell him.

[botanistlester]

Prestissimo

Summary: When Dan starts to get notes in his locker in the form of terrible pick up lines, he doesn't know who it could be and he doesn't really care. All he cares about is his violin and his studies. He could care less about the nonchalant cellist who never seems to take anything seriously. Word Count: 3118 Warnings: cussing A/N: This was supposed to go up on valentine's day, but it's only two and a half hours late so it's better than nothing! I really wanted to get this up because it's my dear friend Mae ( @dandelionisonfire)'s birthday on Valentine's Day, and I really wanted to give her a birthday present in the form of a fic to show my appreciation to her. We've only started talking a few weeks ago, but I feel like we've gotten along so well so fast and I'm extremely grateful for that. I appreciate her and our long rambles on skype, and how she watches all of my dumb singing videos without question. Thanks for being awesome, Mae. I can’t wait to meet you! Jeg elsker deg og gratulerer med dagen xoxo (special thanks to @flyingstarshowell for the prompt and @phandommother for helping me hash out the idea)

Read it on AO3

-

The first time that Dan got a letter inside of his locker, he thought it was a joke.

It wasn’t like it was just a normal letter. Maybe if it had said something like “hey, nice shoes,” then Dan would be more accepting of it, but no. It didn’t say that. Dan would have preferred the shoes thing to this disgrace, in all honesty, because it would have saved his face from turning a disgusting splotchy red in the middle of the orchestra locker room.

In curling letters that was somewhat sloppy but not too terribly hard to read, someone had scrawled Dan’s name, along with a short message that said, “I C Major potential in us getting together.”

Dan glanced around the room to see if the culprit was there, which was pointless because it was after school hours so the only other people around were the other four members of Dan’s quintet. They weren’t even in the locker room, having already gone to one of the practice rooms to start setting up. Dan was all alone with one of the worst pick up lines in the history of pick up lines and his violin, and now he just wanted to go home and bury himself in his blanket. He didn’t want to practice anymore.

He was embarrassed and mortified, because what if somebody was playing a trick on him? It’s not every day that Dan got notes like this shoved in his violin locker, and it was beyond rare for someone to actually like him enough to want to do this for him. But then again, did they even like him if it was just a simple pick up line? Wouldn’t they rather write Dan an entire love letter?

Dan didn’t know and he didn’t really want to find out.

Making up his mind on the subject, he crumbled it up and shoved the paper into his pocket. Out of sight, out of mind. It was probably just a one-time thing anyways. He didn’t need to have the extra stress of poorly written pick up lines when he had more important things to focus on, like his studies and his violin.

In Dan’s opinion, getting good grades and playing his violin was the number one goal in life at the moment. If he got good grades, then he’d get into a good university. If he played the violin better than anybody, he could get a scholarship to one of the best music schools. So he’d focus on grades and violin and that was it. He didn’t need anybody else to interfere with his future.

He made his way into the practice room, carefully holding his instrument by the neck and his bow in the other hand. When he walked into the class, his fellow quintet was standing by the bass stands as Bailey grabbed her bass and Phil leaned against the wall with his cello leaning against the wall as well. Dan cringed at the sight of that, hoping with his entire heart and soul that the cello would not fall over and break. Knowing Phil, he would just laugh and pick it back up while Dan got an aneurism in the background.

Dan kept an eye on the cello as he greeted the violist, Mae, and the other violinist, Oliver. They were talking about cats, which is something that Dan could definitely get behind, and just gave Dan a friendly nod as he joined them.

He liked everyone in the quintet, for the most part. The only person that he really had a problem with was Phil. They both had opposing personalities, which was a tricky subject when it came to them. Because they were in a quintet together, that meant they had to spend literally every day together. They were in orchestra together during school, had the same group of people they hung around, and then they spent an insane amount of time together after school just practicing in the quintet together.

Yet Dan couldn’t stand Phil. Phil didn’t take his music seriously, he was just doing this for fun because he had nothing else to do. Whereas Dan took this very seriously and loved music with his every being and played every piece by the rules, Phil was unruly and didn’t care about the rules. He was too expressive and free when he played, even translating piano music to the cello when it was supposed to be the fucking piano. When Dan got worked up about it and how the music is written for piano and therefore is supposed to be played on the piano, Phil just shrugged and did a little half smile as he nonchalantly said, “Yeah, well isn’t it our job as musicians to interpret the music in the way we want to? It’d get boring otherwise.”

A disgrace! Phil was a disgrace! Dan even overheard him nonchalantly telling somebody that he played the cello before like it was no big deal and he had no pride.

Dan despised that.

Phil should be proud of his instrument. He should want to boast about how well he played and how he was in the best quintet in the school, picked specially by their teacher to perform in different competitions. It wasn’t easy for people to get into such a spot like this, and yet Phil had, but he didn’t even care about it.

Phil nodded politely at Dan as he joined him. “Sup?” Phil asked, and Dan resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Hi,” Dan replied dryly, grabbing his music stand and setting up. He didn’t really like to talk much to the other people in his quintet, although he was friendly towards them. They were a nice bunch, but Dan didn’t form bonds with people easily and he was just there for the music, nothing else.

However, this practice, he had trouble getting into the music for a good thirty minutes. He could practically feel the paper in his pocket burning a hole through his clothing, and he wanted to forget about it, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t get the words out of his head, couldn’t stop wondering who the handwriting belonged to. With each stroke of his bow, he would be zoning out, staring at the notes but not really processing anything else.

Eventually, he did manage to forget about it, losing himself to the music, but he felt strange about it. It was to be expected, after all. It wasn’t every day that Dan got a pick up line in his locker, and he doubted that this happened to many people at all.

The pick up lines didn’t stop at the first one either. Soon enough, Dan had gotten one every day for an entire week. They ranged from things like ‘aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?’ and ‘is your name microsoft because you can crash at my place anytime.’ They all varied in corniness but they made Dan smile nonetheless, mostly because he could hardly believe this was happening to him.

At this point, Dan wasn’t sure if it was a joke anymore. If it was a joke, then it was a really fucking good one and somebody was extremely committed to it. Dan would find the notes in his locker most of the time, the note just waiting for him on top of his violin case. Whenever he looked around, there would be nobody waiting for him, nobody who he could question about if they were his secret admirer or not.

Today, though, when he pulled out the note, Phil suddenly appeared, peering over his shoulder. “What’s that?” he asked in that stupid relaxed voice that Dan hated so much. Dan shuffled away from Phil slightly because Phil was so close that Dan could feel his warmth, could smell his cologne clogging his senses. Yeah, Dan may hate the dude but he wasn’t blind and he was fucking gay. “A love note?”

“Oh fuck off,” Dan snapped, snatching the note away from Phil’s sight before he could read it, but he knew he was too late as Phil chuckled and raised his eyebrows.

“You had me at cello?” Phil asked, and then he was laughing so hard that his tongue poked out of his mouth and his hands were clutching at his stomach.

Dan’s cheeks turned red and he scowled, shoving the note into his pocket and away from Phil’s line of vision. “Shut the fuck up!” Dan snapped, pouting out his lip and slamming his violin locker shut. “The notes that I get are none of your business and it’s rude of you to look over my shoulder like that.”

Phil stopped laughing abruptly and frowned. It was the first time that Dan had ever seen him look so serious, even after he had known him at a close proximity for such a long amount of time. His lips were turned downwards and he even had a slightly concerned look in his eyes. Who knew that Phil, so carefree all the time, could look like this once in a while? “Sorry, Dan,” he said sincerely, ducking his head. The action made his black hair fall into his eyes and Dan’s heart was suddenly in his throat. For some reason, he didn’t like when Phil made that expression. Phil should always be carefree. Not… like this. “I was just trying to kid around with you, but I won’t do something like that again if it makes you uncomfortable. I never meant to make you feel like that.”

The hand that was holding his violin tightened and Dan found himself nearly choking on his spit. It wasn’t really such a big deal, and yet he had been making it out to be something terrible just because he disliked Phil. Dan always tried to pride himself on not being too horribly mean to anybody, but here he was getting his panties tied in a bunch just because Phil saw some stupid pick up line for Dan. “It’s- It’s fine,” Dan sputtered, trying to calm his stuttering heart and clammy hands. “Let’s just get back to practice, okay?”

Phil agreed and they walked into the practice room together for the first time since they joined the school’s orchestra five years ago. In all the time that they’d known each other, they had never walked in at the same time, but Dan supposed there was a first for everything. They didn’t speak to each other, just walked in, joining the others in conversation about how Mae was going to Saint Petersburg over the summer.

When Dan played his violin that day, he felt as though he couldn’t focus on the music. Although he could play every note perfectly and he knew exactly when to crescendo and when to rest, his heart wasn’t in it and his mind was elsewhere. He was hyper aware of the way Phil was standing close to him, his eyebrows furrowed, suddenly seeming more serious about the music than he ever had before.

For some reason, Dan didn’t think that it was the music Phil was so serious about. He didn’t know why that bothered him so much.

It didn’t involve him. It didn’t involve him.

-

Dan knew his day was going to be different the moment he failed to get a note in his locker.

He looked all over, from underneath his violin case, to the lockers surrounding his, and even on the floor. No note. No stupid pun that would tell him why he was cute or why he and this mystery person would be great together.

He tried not to let it get to him, he really didn’t, but it was hard because for over a week, he was used to laughing at the dumb pick up lines, and now he felt like he’d gotten this little secret stripped away from him as soon as he was getting used to it. It hurt. Perhaps his admirer had gotten tired of him. Perhaps they’d seen just how utterly boring Dan was, how he only cared about grades and violin, and they didn’t want to put up with that. Perhaps they really had been doing it just for laughs.

Without meaning to, Dan slammed his locker shut and flicked the lock closed. Doing so made Phil, who had been chatting to Oliver, jump. They both turned towards Dan, staring in surprise as Dan whipped around and began to stalk towards the music room. His sadness had turned to anger and for once in his life, he really wanted to smash his dumb violin to pieces.

How could he think someone could actually like him for once?

As he grabbed a music stand and began to lay out his sheet music, a presence at his side notified him of Phil, who was cradling his cello to his body and cocking his head in concern. It made Dan even more annoyed because somebody like Phil - who never cared about anything - was even worried about Dan.

How sad.

“You okay, Dan?” Phil asked gently, and Dan angrily slammed his sheet music onto the stand, flipping to a random page to make himself look busy.

“Peachy, thanks,” Dan snarled, trying not to take note of the way Phil flinched at his tone.

Phil stared at him, mouth slightly open with surprise, and it took everything in Dan not to tell him to fuck off. What Dan did do was give him a slightly exasperated looked, eyebrows raised expectantly. “Can I help you with something?” he asked sarcastically.

It seemed like Phil was torn, his eyes flickering over Dan’s face and then back towards the classroom door where their teacher would be walking through at any moment. He bit his lips, turning the pink skin white, and then he was running a hand through his fringe, making little strands stick up this way and that. Eventually, he seemed to not be able to hold it in anymore, and blurted out a string of words that made Dan’s eyes widen and his head snap up so fast that it nearly gave him whiplash.

“Every time you walk in the room, you make my heart play prestissimo,” Phil said quickly, stuttering a little bit. He was running his hand over the neck of his cello, making a light rubbing noise with the strings. “When I'm with you, my heart starts to syncopate. If it’s okay with you, I’d love to do a duet with you and get a coffee sometime?”

Dan gaped at him. And gaped some more. For a moment, he forgot how to breathe, like all of the air in his lungs just left his entire body. He gasped like a fish struggling for breath, and it was only after Phil started to shuffle awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck, that Dan was able to even figure out an answer. “Have you been the one putting notes in my locker?” he asked dumbly, even though it was fairly obvious by now that Phil was.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask you on a date for weeks- no months. No, years,” Phil replied sheepishly. When Dan just stared at him, Phil went on. “You’re not exactly the easiest person to approach, you know? I didn’t think I had a chance since you don’t like me and all.”

“Wha- don’t like you?!” Dan sputtered, as though this was news to him. But he was having trouble wrapping his head around this. “Why do you say that?”

Phil gave him an unimpressed look. “You haven’t exactly been hiding your dislike for me, Dan. You’re sassy as fuck with people you don’t like.”

That really stumped Dan there. But still. “How fucking long have you liked me? And why did you just now tell me?”

It was clear that his questions were making Phil embarrassed by the way Phil’s cheeks were turning pink and his nose was beginning to scrunch up, eyes sheepish. The rest of the quintet was joining them in the room, and it was clear they really needed to hurry this up otherwise they were going to get interrupted very soon. “I’ve liked you since I first met you, the first day we joined orchestra,” Phil told him sincerely. “You were so pretty and glowing when you decided to play the violin, and I wanted to get to know you so badly. I just didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me, but I recently realised that I’d rather at least try to woo you than to never know at all, you know?”

Dan could feel his heart begin to beat rapidly in his chest. He felt so weirdly full that he could hardly stand still. His hands messed with his instrument and he bounced a little on the balls of his feet, giddy with the cheesy proclamation.

He couldn’t believe that Phil of all people, stupid, uncaring Phil, had a crush on him. Dan! How in the hell had that happened? And how had Phil held this same crush for years?

Dan didn’t know, but he wanted to find out. That was one definite in his life that he knew for sure. So before he knew it, he was nodding wildly, grin slowly taking over his face.

“Yeah?” Phil asked, lighting up like a torch. His tongue stuck out from between his teeth and it was the most endearing thing Dan’s ever seen. “You’ll go on a date with me?”

Their teacher called them to their places, but Dan and Phil didn’t move as they grinned and stared at each other. Dan nodded once more, a bit softer, his stomach feeling like it was melting completely. “Yeah, I’ll go on a date with you,” Dan murmured quietly.

It seemed that Phil was just as giddy as Dan, because suddenly he was lurching forward and placing a kiss to the dimple that was showing in Dan’s cheek. The kiss burned, like a fire was alight in his entire body, and it was pleasant, new, exciting. Dan wanted to get to know Phil. He wanted to get to know the serious side, who was passionate about things outside of the cello. He wanted to know the goofy side that wrote dumb pickup lines on paper. He wanted to know the side of Phil that got sad about things, and about the things that made him happy.

“And Dan?”

Dan hummed, smiling as they began to make their way to their seats, instruments in hand.

“This cello isn’t the only big wooden thing between my legs, you know.”

Well, maybe Dan didn’t want to know this side of Phil after all.

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 64: Keystone Motel

“IT’S FUSION, SAPPHIRE!”

Keeping It Together suggests that despite Steven and the fans clamoring for more Ruby and Sapphire, their return would only come about in a calamity. So, erm, thank you Pearl?

It would be so unfaithful to Garnet’s character for Ruby and Sapphire to pop up all the time after the big reveal, because the whole point is that they’re in a stable fusion. But despite the circumstances, it’s great to see these two again. Charlyne Yi Ruby left a bombastic first impression in Jailbreak, so she’s always welcome, while Sapphire was barely in her debut, so we want to know more. And while later episodes like Hit the Diamond where the world isn’t falling apart are fun, characters in crisis are inherently interesting to watch. 

The structure of Keystone Motel takes the familiar introductory approach of meeting new(ish) characters together, then separating them to explore them as individuals, then joining them again to see them as a unit in a new light. Gem Glow did it the same way, but now we have the benefit of sixty-three episodes of show to let us focus harder on the characters instead of meeting an entire world (even if we do touch on that with the new environment). And just as importantly, we also have sixty-three episodes establishing Steven’s particular lens.

I didn’t mention much of Steven in my Cry For Help review, as he exists solely as an observer with Amethyst, and of the two, Amethyst is far more important to the episode. He’s still great, particularly in the small meditative scene where he teaches Amethyst how to make her fingers float by crossing her eyes, but plotwise he’s an ancillary character in the Week of Sardonyx.

Except for here. In Keystone Motel, he spends most of the episode doing what he does for most of the week: distracting himself from the mess at home, and observing the Gems as they deal with Pearl’s actions without much interference. He’s not Amethyst, trying to make the peace or consoling his friends. Maybe one day he will be, but for now he’s a child, and it’s incredibly unfair to expect a child to act as a mediator between arguing parents.

Instead, all he can do is get upset, and at his breaking point he wonders aloud if mom and mom are fighting because of him. Logically, this is an absurd assumption: he saw what Pearl did and knew it was wrong, and Pearl is clearly who Ruby and Sapphire are arguing about. At no point does Ruby or Sapphire bring him into the conflict by accusing him of taking a side or getting mad at him for not backing them up. But when you’re stressed and confused by clashing parents, logic takes a backseat to emotion. Self-blame is a tried-and-true method of tricking yourself into thinking you have control over a situation that’s out of your hands: it sucks when something’s your fault, but it sucks even more to be powerless.

Unfortunately it’s a coping mechanism that Steven will learn too well when he takes the weight of his mother’s sins on his shoulders, but for now it doesn’t take long for his unwarranted guilt to crack Sapphire’s icy front. This turning point is definitely Steven’s biggest contribution to the week, because nobody else was in a position to move things forward. Ruby and Sapphire’s impasse was based on them each being so used to, and annoyed by, their reactions to upsetting situations. 

Sapphire internalizes her emotions with the knowledge that things will resolve, and Ruby lashes out at everything like an eternal flame, baby. Neither is willing to show the vulnerability necessary to let down their defenses and talk things out, and both are stubborn enough for a feud to last for who knows how long: this is unstoppable force/immovable object territory. So just by expressing the emotional turmoil of a kid in a breaking home, Steven saves the day. And the show doesn’t even feel the need to verbalize that subtext, even though Greg is around and he loves doing that. Way to go, Keystone Motel.

Speaking of Greg, this may be his greatest episode as a side character. The distinction between being a main character or a side character is admittedly nebulous at times—for instance, which is he in Winter Forecast or Steven’s Birthday?—but here he’s a driving force (literally) who graciously cedes the spotlight to our leads, even though he’s killing it on the comedy front. From casually instructing Steven to call the police if his internet deal goes south to waxing poetic about pizza, his humor is grounded in his core dadness in a way that’s as funny as it is endearing. How great is his hyping up of motels and wanting to spend time with his son on a boring business trip? He’s just the sweetest.

And on top of his daditude, this episode gives us two great insights into Greg’s life outside of Steven. The first is the catalyst for the road trip in the first place: his need for cheap equipment for the car wash. We don’t focus on money much in Steven Universe until Greg hits it rich, but there’s a clear sense of financial hardship to a guy who lives in a van working at a car wash where business always seems slow. And while it’s never stated that he’s Steven’s sole financial provider, who else is getting this kid food and clothes? I love seeing the scrappy side of him that he largely hides from Steven (and thus us), and his chill attitude in poverty pays off in a big way when he’s just as chill with his sudden wealth.

The second is his brilliant reaction to seeing Sapphire: a weary “Oh boy, where’s the other one?” It helps that Tom Scharpling is so good at encapsulating Greg’s quintessential “oh boy” approach to conflict, but after We Need to Talk it’s another small reminder that Greg has a history with the Crystal Gems independent of Steven. Of course he already knows about Ruby and Sapphire.

I mentioned Charlyne Yi earlier, but oh my goodness is she amazing. I know I already compared Ruby to Daffy Duck in my Jailbreak review, but it’s honestly the highest compliment I can give: she’s frustration personified, and almost every frame where she’s not exploding is spent winding herself up to explode. Yi is everything to this character, starting at a fever pitch and maintaining a sputtering episode-long tirade without missing a beat. Look at those Rebecca Sugar sketches of Ruby: they’re based directly off of Yi’s physical performance while voice acting, which in turn directly influenced the animation: 

Holy crow does this woman commit. Deedee Magno Hall might be my overall voice actor MVP for the show, but maybe the only thing stopping Charlyne Yi from taking the throne is Ruby and the rubies’ infrequent appearances. 

Which is hardly to take away from Erica Luttrell, whose deep, slow serenity makes for Yi’s ideal counterpart. Like I said, it’s wonderful to see more of Sapphire than the blip we got in Jailbreak, and Luttrell terrifically conveys the emotions seething behind Sapphire’s icy exterior. Here, it’s all in the pauses, the perfectly uncomfortable moments as she works to keep her cool: it’s most notable in her frozen “I’m...fine” as ice tightens behind her.

(Fun fact: when Luttrell was a kid, she was the voice of Keesha on Magic School Bus, and when I was a kid, I loved Magic School Bus, so it was a delightful thing to learn.)

Although Garnet is obviously a blend of both Gems, we see far more patience than fury from her. So while Ruby’s a bunch of fun to watch (particularly as she rambles her way into the pool), the challenge is differentiating Sapphire from that other calm, collected, authoritative, and distant Gem with future vision and a deep voice and hidden eyes. The solution is to make her a bit too in touch with that future vision, and I love how it’s used for both humor and drama to showcase just how vital it is for Sapphire, and thus how important Ruby is at grounding her in the present.

The resolution of their argument is essentially Sapphire remembering this, and in doing so, Ruby finally cools down. Unfortunately her idea of cooling down involves putting herself down; just like in Jailbreak, she sees herself as worthless compared to Sapphire, which the latter thankfully disagrees with. The root of Ruby’s deep-set insecurities might not get explained until The Answer, but there’s a clear lived-in dynamic between these two that there really needs to be for the whole “fused together for thousands of years” relationship to make sense.

Finally, even if they’re short on screentime and Michaela Dietzes, Pearl and Amethyst leave a huge impression in this episode. Pearl’s in full manic mode, which is exactly where she should be, and I love the quiet scene of Amethyst consoling her as Steven comes back in. Garnet deserves to be the main focus of Cry for Help’s immediate fallout, but these two are still a major factor that shouldn’t be forgotten.

This isn’t a perfect episode. It might sound like a nitpick, but it bugs the hell out of me that the motel and diner are totally empty minus one waitress, especially when so much care was put into these new sets (although I do realize that the time spent on these new sets is likely why we don’t get new character models). It takes me right out of the critical diner scene every time I watch it to be reminded of the constraints of animation, which is a bummer on a show that’s so good at not doing that.

Still, our journey to the Keystone State (by which I of course mean the state named Keystone) is an important success. Time limitations often make arguments in episodic media pretty simple, but here we slow down to tackle the consequences of Cry for Help on multiple fronts: to even begin considering forgiveness, Ruby and Sapphire have to process their emotions after being betrayed. It’s a risky move, especially given how new these characters are, but it pays off in a way that deepens Garnet and the show as a whole.

Future Vision!

Mr. Greg, of all episodes, is a great follow-up to this adventure of Steven, Greg, and another Gem traveling to another state, staying in a rented room, and resolving tension between the two parent figures. Going to a hotel and rolling in money is nice, but it’s even better when juxtaposed against going to a motel and working to make ends meet.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Even if it sucks that Ruby and Sapphire go on a break, I can’t say I’m unhappy to see them. While it’s not all that rewatchable for me given it’s in the middle of a pretty unpleasant Bomb, execution and tone go a long way. 

Top Fifteen

Steven and the Stevens

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Winter Forecast

Chille Tid

Keeping It Together

On the Run

Warp Tour

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

The Test

Future Vision

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

We Need to Talk

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

No Thanks!

     4. Horror Club      3. Fusion Cuisine      2. House Guest      1. Island Adventure

(Like Keeping It Together, no official promo for this one. This time I’m going with the brilliant imamong, whose title cards for Steven Universe astound and amaze.)