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iamtheblondestblonde · 4 years

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The Clark Kent Effect

Part Four

AN: I finally did it! I’m getting back into writing after weeks of no thoughts head empty yay!! I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this one, I’m really excited for you guys to read it. It’s kind of important, ya know. God I wish I could say more but I don’t want to take away from anything. Also I love this gif of Mat, thank you @gabelandeskog for blessing our timeline with it.

Song: Slow Hands - Niall Horan (spoiler sorry)

Word Count: 5.6k (oops)

Warnings: explicit language, smut (also spoiler, sorry)

Masterlist / One / Two / Three

With the playoffs approaching January was a busy month. Time in between games was stretched thin but somehow that still didn’t stop Mat from showing up at your door from time to time, usually after an exhausting game or the end of a roadtrip. Despite the voice in your head telling you that this wasn’t a good idea you couldn’t find it in yourself to turn him away.

The two of you would watch nature documentaries together, sometimes talking about his games if he was in the mood and other times you’d simply do your best to take his mind off things. Not in the way one might think though.

The sexual tension between the two of you was palpable, but neither of you acted on it, choosing to bask in each other’s company instead of addressing the issue at hand. Nothing besides getting cuddled up on your couch ever happened but it was clear that neither of you were able to keep yourself from doing something stupid much longer.

Something was bound to happen sooner or later but for now the two of you managed to hold everything together. Sort of at least.

One night Mat had taken off his hoodie - not for obvious reasons - but because two people underneath a fluffy blanket generated a lot of heat and he’d simply gotten too hot. You honestly hadn’t even thought of it until Emily had stood next to your couch, said dark grey hoodie with Mat’s number and last name clearly visible on it in her hand.

“How did this get here?”, she’d asked and for one second you contemplated making up a bullshit excuse before conceding, knowing full well she’d be able to see through your lies either way. Maybe you’d even benefit from hearing a second opinion right now.

So you explained what had gone down in the weeks since New Year’s, leaving her speechless.

“I wanted to tell you about it, I promise, but I haven’t even figured for myself what it is. I wouldn’t even know where to start explaining”, you rambled further, taken aback by your friend’s silence following your confession.

Emily was many things, but quiet definitely wasn’t one of them. It only lasted a couple of minutes though, as she seemed to gather her words before speaking up:

“I don’t even know what to say to you.” That much was obvious. “All I know is that you’re bound to get hurt if you don’t talk to Tito about this. You like Mat and he likes you just as much I can tell. If Tito is as much of a good friend as you think he is he won’t stand in the way of your happiness, no matter who it is with.”

She had a point of course, but somehow you couldn’t bring yourself to tell Tito, not yet at least. You weren’t even sure what you were holding out for, maybe some magical moment that would give you the clarity you desperately needed but for now you weren’t going to say anything.

It wasn’t like Mat had said anything either though and his role in this – whatever this was – was just as big as yours after all. Both of you would be risking an important friendship if you were to pursue each other, wasn’t it reasonable that you wanted to be 100% sure about things first?

However life as usual didn’t hold out for you, leaving you no choice but to finally make a decision after all.

Said decision came under the guise of a party invitation, an invitation you couldn’t possibly turn down. But first you had to attend a game, the last game before bye week and against the Rangers of all teams. Emily and Rafael were having dinner with Rafael’s parents so it was only Dana and Mariah who were able to join you for tonight.

The three of you had only been able to get some mediocre seats because you hadn’t started looking for tickets early enough, thus disappearing in between the masses of Islanders fans that had made it out to the Garden as well. This time Mat definitely wouldn’t be able to find you in the stands after scoring a goal, you were barely able to find him on the ice after all.

They came out on top though, something you were grateful for because a loss wouldn’t have set the right mood for tonight. This time you watched the masses pile out of the arena before getting up yourself because you’d have to wait for the boys either way so it wasn’t like you had to beat any traffic. The plan was to meet in front a back entrance and you were grateful that you’d grabbed a warm coat to protect yourself from the freezing January air as you and your friends waited for the rest of your group.

You could hear them long before they made their way through the door, Mat’s cackle bouncing off the walls and making you smile as well, his laugh nothing but infectious. Only four of them would go out with you tonight, the rest understandably either going home to their kids or flying out early the next morning. Greetings and congratulations were kept short, everyone too excited to finally get to said party to dwell on such trivial things.

Tito had met this fancy music producer a couple of weeks ago and because famous people apparently liked to associate with other famous people he’d been invited to his fancy housewarming party. Tito had then proceeded to snag invites for the rest of you as well and you for one couldn’t wait to see the promised freshly remodeled penthouse suite in Williamsburg. Having friends among New York’s elite certainly paid off.

After finally entering said building the lot of you piled into the elevator and Tito pressed the button at the very top, accompanied by oohs and aahs from Dana, Mariah and you. You’d thought that arriving at a party without ever meeting the host beforehand would be awkward but it turned out that Nick, said music producer, was actually a really nice guy who immediately introduced you to some people after showing you where the drinks were.

The guys got recognized almost immediately and while they were bombarded with hockey questions you grabbed Dana and Mariah so you could dip towards the bar, needing alcohol in your system. You grabbed some drinks for the boys as well, a rum and coke for Mat and beers for the rest of them, carefully dancing around intoxicated party guests so you wouldn’t spill anything on what you imagined to be a very expensive carpet.

As the hour got later and everyone inside proceeded to get plastered you stepped out on the terrace, wrapped tightly in your coat and enjoying the view of the East river, the Brooklyn Bridge to your left and the Manhattan Skyline in the distance. The apartment was beautiful, really, but not even the tasteful interior design could compete with the view it provided.

You could still hear the faint beat of the music thumping but besides that and the ever-present sound of the city that never sleeps it was quiet. Everyone else was inside, avoiding the cold like any reasonable person would and in turn giving you some time by yourself to sort your thoughts.

You were so lost in them that you didn’t even hear the glass sliding doors open and close, didn’t notice that someone had joined you outside until Mat stepped beside you, making you jump a little.

“Jesus, are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

“Sorry”, he just chuckled, taking another step closer until your shoulders almost brushed, resting his hands on the railing. He looked out to the city and you looked up at him, suddenly not interested in the twinkling lights in front of you any longer. It was hard not to after all, his soft expression and tousled hair practically demanding your attention. He looked good tonight, still dressed in his game day suit which was now covered by his jacket though.

“You’re not usually the kind of person to just disappear, why are you outside by yourself?”, he asked, his breath creating white clouds in the air.

“I’m not by myself right now, am I?”, you responded and he just smirked, eyes still focused on the skyline though. “It’s quiet out here, I came out so I could think.”

“And what is that pretty head of yours thinking about?” At this point you weren’t sure if your cheeks were this rosy because of the alcohol you’d consumed, the cold, his words or a combination of all three things. You did however blame the alcohol for your next words.

“You. Us, I guess.”

You could tell he stopped breathing for a moment, the steady rhythm of white clouds interrupted as he turned towards you.

“You are?”, he asked quietly, his eyes portraying a vulnerability you hadn’t seen in them before.

There it was, the cumulation of everything that had happened over the past few weeks.

There was no taking it back now, you were long past the point of no return here. Maybe it really was the alcohol in your system that had finally gotten you to admit your feelings to Mat but everyone knew that the drunk mind only speaks sober thoughts.

“Of course I am, you should have figured that out by now. I don’t watch nature documentaries with anyone after all.” That got a chuckle out of him but it did nothing to the look of absolute adoration that had taken over his features. Now it was your turn to hold your breath as you waited for his next words.

“Why thank you, I feel honored. But this certainly makes things easier, because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, about us, either.”

This was real. This was the magical moment and while it didn’t exactly provide you with an omnipresent clarity it finally solidified where either of you stood in this situation. You only wished that it wasn’t happening on the terrace of some guy you still barely knew with your friends inside, able to walk in and ruin said moment.

“Don’t worry, Tito is too busy following Dana like a lost puppy to come out here”, Mat said, seemingly able to sense in which direction your thoughts were going.

“He knows she plays for the other team, right?” In fact, you were pretty sure that there was something going on between Mariah and her but you weren’t about to pressure either of them for answers before they were ready, especially with Mariah only being in straight relationships before.

“As long as it keeps him busy I won’t tell him if you don’t.” The accompanying wink made you snort a little but the sound quickly died in your throat when he placed his hands on your hips, carefully walking you backwards towards the edge of the terrace. Here you were hidden from the people inside, invisible to possible curious onlookers. He was shielding you with his body as well, the two of you practically pressed together from head to toe as he crowded you against the wall of the building.

He then reached up and placed one of his hands on your cheek, carefully tracing your bottom lip with his thumb. All you could do was stare up at him, frozen in place and unable to move. He looked at you with absolute reverence, like he’d never held anything this precious in his hands and you honestly wouldn’t be surprised if your heart straight up decided to leave your body and be with him instead.

“Please tell me I can kiss you right now”, he whispered and you didn’t trust your voice so you only nodded, not a single doubt left about your decision.

He leaned down towards you, and after months of pining for each other your lips finally met.

It was sweet and soft, his lips still tasting like the rum you’d seen him drinking all night and yet it was perfect and right. His hand moved up into your hair, holding you close as the two of you explored each other for the very first time. It wasn’t like you were going anywhere though, not even an apocalypse would have gotten you to stop kissing Mat right now.

He pulled back eventually - after what could have been seconds, minutes or hours - both of you breathing heavily as you tried to fill your lungs with the oxygen they’d just been deprived of. Your heart was running a mile a minute, beating so hard against your ribs that you were convinced Mat could feel it as well, despite all the layers that currently separated you. You weren’t done with him though, so after catching your breath you pulled him down to you again.

This time there was more force behind the kiss, the initial phase of careful exploration over. One of his arms found its way underneath your coat, wrapping itself around your waist and pulling you even closer while the other one was still buried in your hair.

Mat licked along the seam of your lips asking for permission, which you gladly granted, allowing him to deepen the kiss. In a second the entire mood shifted. He dropped his hand then, tightly grabbing your ass and groaning when you rolled your hips against him. By now you weren’t feeling the effects of the alcohol anymore, instead intoxicated by his kisses. You could get lost in him forever.

As you slowly came back to your senses you realized that might not be the best idea however, as the two of you spending hours out on this terrace might raise suspicions, despite Tito apparently being distracted by Dana right now. So you pulled back, reluctantly, slightly pushing Mat off of you. He must have taken it as you rejecting him and his brows were knit together in confusion. You quickly spoke up before he could get a wrong idea of the situation:

“We should take this back to my place.”

His lips, those beautiful lips, swollen from all the making out formed a surprised ‘o’ and you almost laughed at his reaction.

“Unless you don’t want to, that’s totally fine as well”, you quickly continued, not wanting to push any boundaries. That seemed to finally get to him.

“Of course I do. I’ve been thinking about that for so long and now there’s no chance I’m leaving here without you”, he beamed at you, his smile so bright that the New York skyline behind him paled in comparison.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah”, he confirmed, leaning down for one last sweet kiss.

“Wait, before we go back inside though, your hair is a mess.”

“I wonder whose fault that is”, you responded, your voice dripping with sarcasm. He actually had the decency to blush, an adorable pink tinging his cheeks as he reached up to try his best at untangling your hair.

After he deemed your hair situation presentable again you followed him inside, instantly greeted by the party sounds again. It took a while until you managed to spot your friends and you had to stifle a laughter once you realized what was actually going on.

Tito was sprawled out on one end of the couch with Mariah and Dana on either side of him. By the looks of it Mariah was trying to get him to drink some water but he was just giggling up at Dana, who looked anything but amused by the situation.

“Oh my god”, Mat groaned, covering his face in embarrassment for his friend.

“What happened? He didn’t drink that much, did he?”

“No he didn’t but he took a space brownie from this random dude, saying something about how he needed to make the most of his week off. I don’t know how much was in there but he’s been like this for almost twenty minutes now”, Dana said with an eyeroll, Tito simply giggling again. You’d never seen him like this.

You knew that the reasonable thing would be to take him home with you since he didn’t live that far from your apartment, but you also knew that if you did that nothing else would happen with Mat tonight. Maybe you were being selfish, but just for this one night you allowed yourself to be.

“Could you guys take him home, please?”

“Oh come on, he lives way closer to your place”, Mariah protested immediately, obviously and understandably not wanting to be responsible for a greened out Tito.

You gave her a look, taking a step closer to Mat – who hadn’t said anything so far – and putting your hand on his shoulder. It only took a couple of seconds until realization dawned upon your friends and Mat just blushed, coughing awkwardly. You didn’t care that they knew now, it was only a matter of time anyway. Tito hadn’t noticed anything though because he’d closed his eyes and leaned his head back, blissed out and lost in his own world right now.

“You owe us”, Dana mouthed and Mariah nodded before motioning for the two of you to leave, which you gladly did. Mat called for an Uber as soon as the two of you stepped into the elevator and it was as if your streak of luck wasn’t over yet because the closest ride wasn’t even three minutes out.

Even traffic didn’t seem as bad as usual but maybe that was because Mat kept distracting you by rubbing small circles on your thigh. He’d pulled you close as soon as you’d settled into the backseat and was now making small talk with the driver, who was apparently an avid Islanders fan. On the one hand it was sweet to see him interact with a fan of his, on the other hand you’d rather kiss him senseless but apparently that part would have to wait.

“I can’t wait until I’m all alone with you”, he murmured in your ear when there was a break in the conversation, seemingly able to read your thoughts yet once again. The driver asked yet another question though before you even got the chance to respond, making you bury your face in Mat’s shoulder. He simply squeezed your hand, a lazy smile on his lips.

You’d never been so happy to see your apartment building before and you were even inclined to do a little happy dance when the car finally came to a stop in front of it. Despite all that you still thanked your driver, wishing him a good night and after Mat had taken a selfie with him you finally slid out of your seat. You were instantly greeted by the cold again but you barely even noticed it as Mat wrapped his arm around you, pulling you close once again.

“I swear I’m stabbing the next person who attempts to pull you into a conversation”, you grumbled as you made your way inside, leading Mat up the seemingly endless stairs until you finally reached your apartment door, unlocking it as fast as you could.

“But if you get arrested for attempted murder I wouldn’t be able to do this.” And with that he pulled you in for a kiss that was definitely worth being sentenced to prison. He pushed you up against the back of the door, the two of you instantly picking up where’d you left off on the terrace.

“I just wanna say that it’s cute you’d think I’d only get charged with attempted murder. This right here is a badass bitch”, you butted in after pulling away shortly but because you were still breathless it didn’t have the intended effect. He only giggled again, pushing your coat off your shoulders and then closing the distance between you once again instead of giving you a response. Not that you were complaining. Maybe you’d never be able to complain about anything ever again, not if he kept on kissing you like that.

It was a bit of a struggle to kick off your shoes with his lips distracting you but somehow you managed and he followed your lead before pulling you towards your bedroom. He knew the way by now, having changed in there many times after his games, which probably the only reason why neither of you smacked into any walls because it was pitch black in your apartment.

“Fuck, I can’t see shit”, he cursed upon entering your bedroom and you stifled a giggle, the alcohol you’d consumed earlier in the night and his presence making you giddy.

“There’s a switch on the right side of the bed..”, you trailed off, pulling out your phone to illuminate the room with the dim display light and giggling even more when you could hear Mat rummaging around until suddenly soft lighting filled the room.

“Ahhh that’s better”, he sighed, softly looking up at you from his new position on the edge of the mattress.

“Nice to see you again”, you joked while placing your phone on the nightstand before softly brushing over his cheekbones with your thumb. He only hummed before wrapping his hands deftly around the back of your thighs, pulling you close until you were perched on his lap.

“Likewise. Wouldn’t want to miss seeing your beautiful face for the world.”

Your heart just about melted at his words but then he captured your lips again, your mind immediately going blank. For a minute or two the two of you made out like teenagers and Mat only abandoned your lips to trail kisses along your neck, leaving goosebumps in his wake. You didn’t bring him home with you to make out however, so you climbed off his lap, suddenly impatient.

He whined in protest but the sound died in his throat when you pulled off your sweater, leaving you only in your bra and jeans.

“Fuck. Wouldn’t want to miss seeing this either”, he said, pulling you close again until you were standing between his thighs and press open-mouthed kisses all over your cleavage, making you bury your hands in his hair. You were so lost in the feeling that it took you a couple of seconds to notice his hands working your jeans, quickly pushing them down your hips.

He cursed again once you were only left in your underwear but you stopped him before he could pull you back into his lap.

“What?”

“I think it’s not really fair that I’m practically naked and you’re still fully dressed in your suit.”

“And whose fault is that babygirl?”

The pet name almost made you forget your mission but somehow you managed to pull yourself together, his suit jacked and shirt soon discarded in some corner of your bedroom. He groaned when you sank to your knees in front of him, now eye-to-eye with his very prominent bulge. With quick fingers you made work of his belt and he helped you pull off his pants.

The image of him sitting in front of you now, only in his boxers, chest heaving, face flushed and with his hair all messed up would probably forever burn itself into your mind.

You took your time, lowering your lips towards his cock and mouthing along it over his boxers teasingly, unable to stop yourself. Mat squirmed under your touch, his breathing growing even more ragged as he buried his hand in your hair once again. He only allowed himself to enjoy this for a couple of seconds though before pulling you up to stand again, getting up as well and spinning you around before throwing you onto the mattress. You were tempted to make a WWE joke but your thoughts were quickly elsewhere when he climbed up on your bed, lowering himself between your legs.

By now you were so keyed up that the friction of his clothed cock against you had you moaning instantly. Mat groaned as well, kissing you fiercely as he rocked against you. When you arched your back he took the chance to unhook your bra, quickly throwing the lacey fabric over his shoulder as if it had offended his mother. He made sure to appreciate every inch of exposed skin, leaving you breathless.

Kissing his way down your body he hooked his fingers into your panties, looking up to ask for permission to take them off. You quickly nodded, watching him as he discarded the last item of your clothing, leaving you fully exposed to him. You weren’t nervous though, not with the way Mat looked at you like you’d hung the stars in the sky.

“You. Are. So. Fucking. Beautiful.” Every word was accompanied by a slow kiss, each closer to where you needed him most. He didn’t do anything but stare at you though, making you whine impatiently.

“Don’t worry babygirl, I’ll give you what you deserve soon enough. I just want to take my time. We’ve got all night after all.”

And with that he finally lowered his mouth towards you.

Mat being an amazing kisser should have given away the fact that he’d be amazing at other things, but nothing could have prepared you for the way he was eating you out right now. You were putty in his hands, begging for more as he traced slow circles around your clit with his tongue. Your legs were already trembling, face flushed as you arched your back off the mattress over and over again. To keep you from moving too much Mat had wrapped one arm around your stomach, pressing you against him, while his other hand was busy trailing up your inner thigh. When he finally sunk one of his thick fingers into your heat you almost came then and there but Mat noticed, of course, and slowed his movement even more.

“Please Mat, I need..”

“You need what?” He asked when you didn’t continue, stopping to look up at you. His finger kept pushing in and out of you, making it hard to form a coherent thought.

“More. Please, please, give me more.”

“God I love hearing you beg”, he whispered before finally fulfilling your wish, pushing a second finger inside you before wrapping his lips around your clit once again. He picked up his pace then, every move of his fingers and every stroke of his tongue bringing you closer to the edge until your body snapped.

You were a writhing and moaning mess beneath him, your legs shaking as he brought you through your orgasm, moaning himself when you pulled at his hair a little harder than you’d intended.

As soon as you came down again you noticed Mat grinding against the mattress and you moaned softly at the sight. He only winked at you though before wiping his face against your thigh and climbing back over you to give you a searing kiss, making you taste yourself on his lips.

He willingly let you roll him over until you were on top, helping you take off his boxers as well but ultimately stopping you when you moved to take him in your mouth, wanting to return the favor. He looked so tempting, all thick and long and with droplets of precum leaking out. You’d never wanted to suck a dick so badly before.

“Babygirl I can’t.. Otherwise this is going to be over embarrassingly fast”, he groaned, pulling you up until you were face to face again.

“Next time then.”

“I promise.”

You smiled contently at him before reaching over to your bedside drawer, fishing for a condom. Sitting on his thighs you reached for his cock, unable to stop yourself from stroking him a couple of times before rolling down the condom. You’d take what you could get with him.

“Ride me”, was all he said next and you eagerly moved up to align yourself with him, abandoning his thighs. For now at least.

Both of you moaned once you finally sunk onto him, welcoming him into your tight heat. It was a bit of a stretch and you took a couple of seconds to adjust to his size, Mat immediately sitting up to pull you in for a passionate kiss. With his hands guiding your hips and your arms wrapped around his shoulders you began to move slowly, unable to stop the moans echoing off your bedroom walls.

It didn’t take long until you’d found your rhythm and pushed Mat back to rest against your pillows, his hands on your hips still guiding you.

“You feel so good Mat”, you moaned as you leaned backwards, placing your hands behind you on his knees. This angle had him brushing against your g-spot with every move and it didn’t take long until you could feel your next orgasm approaching. Mat noticed, again, and raised one of his hands to let you suck on his thumb for a second before moving it towards your clit, circling it expertly. The added sensation had you shaking in no time, moaning loudly as you clenched around him, the waves finally crashing. Your entire body was tingling, heat spreading through your veins as you all but collapsed on top of him.

“You’re mesmerizing to watch”, he whispered in your ear and you smiled softly, unable to respond at the moment. He flipped you around without ever pulling out, now kneeling between your legs. His thrusts were slow until he could tell that you’d come down from your high again, only picking up his pace once you wrapped your legs around him.

Mat was wrong though, he was the one who was mesmerizing to watch. His hair was falling into his face, his lower lip was pulled between his teeth and his chest was glistening in a sheen of sweat as he fucked you with deep stokes. Nothing else would ever matter again as long as you got to see him like this, absolutely and utterly losing himself in you.

You could feel him getting close, pulling him in for a kiss as you wrapped your legs even tighter around him. His thrusts were picking up speed and losing their rhythm until he buried himself into you one last time, shuddering as he reached his own high with a moan, spilling into the condom.

“Fuuck”, he groaned softly and you chuckled softly, your legs still wrapped around as he continued to twitch inside of you. For a couple of seconds the two of you stayed like this, basking in the feeling until he reluctantly and carefully pulled out, rolled off of you and discarded of the condom.

He pulled you close then and you curled up against his side, slow hands trailing over his body. The both of you were quiet, each lost in their own thoughts. After a while you regretfully pushed yourself up into a sitting position.

“I should go pee, wouldn’t want to get a UTI or something.”

“Good idea”, he laughed and you smiled down at him. He looked so happy and blissed out, you couldn’t stop yourself from leaning down and kiss him one more time before hopping off the bed.

After finishing your business and pulling on your silk robe you looked at yourself in the mirror, smiling at how incredibly happy you looked.

Surely Tito would see that as well.

Emily was right, he was too good of a friend to not want you to be happy. Even if happy meant being with his best friend. You’d ask him to talk tomorrow, unable and unwilling to hide your feelings any longer.

You splashed some water in your face, contemplating to run a brush through your messed up hair before ultimately deciding to fuck it. Mat wouldn’t mind, he was the one responsible for it after all.

“I’m grabbing some water, do you want-“

The words died on your lips just like your smile when you stepped out of the bathroom to see Mat hurriedly buttoning up his shirt. He’d already pulled on his pants, the suit jacked already thrown on your bed, where the sheets were still messed up from earlier.

“What’s going on?”, you asked with a shaky voice, unsure if you even wanted to hear his answer. He wasn’t meeting your eyes and in that moment you knew that you wouldn’t like his answer. He abandoned his quest of fiddling with the tiny buttons then, pulling on his jacket instead and looking like a gigolo with his shirt still halfway unbuttoned.

“I gotta go. I still have to pack for St. Louis. Early flight and all that.”

You knew this was bullshit.

He’d asked you to come over to his apartment yesterday after you got off work to help pick out the suits he should take to the All Star Games. Hell, you’d packed half of his suitcase yourself after having enough of watching him haphazardly throwing in his stuff.

Why would he lie like this?

Before you could call him out on his bullshit though he was already out your bedroom door. You were left speechless, frozen in your spot and unable to follow him. You heard him shuffle in your living room, probably pulling on his shoes, until your front door closed behind him with a resolute bang.

He hadn’t even bothered to said goodbye.

Tagging: @jamiedrysdales @matbarzyy @nazdaddy @itrocksmysocks @yeeehaw-hockey @whitesummerx @teenagekook

#mat barzal #mat barzal x reader #mat barzal imagine #mat barzal smut #nhl smut #nhl fanfiction #hockey writing #nhl #my writing #new york islanders

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balillee · 4 years

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t-to.... lighten th-the mood,,,,,, here's s-some r-ressurrected c!tommy he-headcanons.... *sobbing violently*

tommy still has his scars from all three of his deaths. one on his forehead from the bow duel, a large slash on his chest from the final control room, and a scar running from his hairline to the back of his head from his skull cracking open.

like all the revived wilbur headcanons, revived tommy would too have a white streak in his hair.

he gets headaches from the scar on his head a lot and from the residual head trauma, and on bad days it can make his vision go a little blurry.

the blue in his eyes is kind of hauntingly bright, a lot brighter than it was before. it dimmed while he was in exile but now it glows brighter than ever.

he didn't respawn at the prison but instead at the world spawn. initially when dream resurrected him, he was half -convinced that the book actually didn't work and that schlatt had scammed him, and so was everyone else. they were really freaked out to see tommy staring at the flowers outside of his house all weird.

at least one person is with tommy at all times, usually puffy. they failed him once before. they will not do it again.

sam nook seems to be overjoyed, and the running of the hotel has been left to sam and jack while tommy processes.

the first thing tommy did when he got back was blast roadtrip and make his continued existence everyone else's problem out of spite. this included, but was not limited to : building cobblestone towers around the prison, buillding another one in snowchester, one literally in the pride castle, surrounding phil's and techno's houses with cobblestone towers, decorating nearly every large wall he could find with pictures of master oogway and robbing ranboo of all of his cobble in broad daylight to make his towers.

my man is back in his brewery making potions again. the dead midlands goblin is a drug addict, your honor, and this has been canon for months now, i promise.

oh, he also lost a tooth, but big q gave him a gold one so they could match. gold tooth brothers united in capitalist mayhem once again.

he makes a proper memorial to l'manberg. admittedly, it doesn't look great. it's a messy structure made out of oak wood and cobblestone and it's the biggest eyesore next to the crater that sits below it, but, y'know, it's a memorial. it looks a bit like the camarvan.

he just has a lot of pent up fuck you's that he's dealing out. he visits techno at least once a week to steal every gapple he can find and tell phil and techno to go fuck themselves, and rightfully so.

tommy has since been banned from the prison completely, and visitors are still not allowed into the prison as it's still on lockdown. tommy doesn't mind too much, he figures he can't get closure with dream so he might as well live without it.

the eggpire is.... displeased, to put it lightly.

tommy's skin kind of looks paler and more dull, and he's now walking around telling everyone he's frankenstein. everyone tries to correct him and instead tell him that, if he were a zombie, he'd actually be frankenstein's monster, but he just doesn't accept it.

#metaphorically i'm sobbing but fun fact i've actually never cried at the dream smp #perhaps i'm the odd one out here but who knows #dream smp #dsmp #dream smp headcanon #dsmp headcanon

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acefm · 4 years

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✈️ — ⌜kim taehyung, cismale, he/him⌟ ↝ have you heard ? it seems like the heir of the KANG was very close to Liam Yu too. they go by ACE and they were Liam's FRIEND WITH BENEFITS. their network is of 88M and they’re only TWENTY-FOUR… what a burden it must be. i heard they can be very LOGICAL and FORGIVING but these last few months, their OVERCRITICAL and TACTLESS personality has been showing more. the media is sure having a filled day with them! i hope this road trip with friends will help them. did you know that SUNSETS THROUGH PLANE WINDOWS, SHAKY PHOTOGRAPHY, BOOKMARKED ART BOOKS, THE GLOW OF ARCADES really show their true persona ? maybe Liam was the only one who knew that ..

✰ — hello! i’m heidy!! i’m 21 and i am from cst timezone ( she/her) ✰ — i applied for this the minute i saw it & have been so excited for it to open and to write out ace!! i am also already intrigued by all of your muses and can’t wait to interact ic and ooc! feel free to like this post n i will come bug u with plotting ! ✰ — if you are like me and prefer talking over discord i DO have that so just ask 💗

i have a standard wanted connections page set up here if you’d like to give it a look !

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full name: ace kang nicknames: n/a date of birth: september 3, 1995 age: twenty four star sign: virgo gender: cis male pronouns: he/him orientation: bisexual ethnicity: korean language: english, korean hair color: black eye color: dark brown height: 5’10 place of birth: new york current location: new york occupation: art curator

(+) logical, forgiving, passionate, honest. (-) overcritical, tactless, dependent, aloof.

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if you asked ace what one of his earliest memories would be, he would take you back to the familiarity of fourth grade. he was nine years old then and had just broken a kid’s arm for rubbing in his face his loss to a game of baseball. it was the first time his parents had ever shown a genuine interest in him, anger pouring from their faces as the school threatened to expel him. but how could they? when it was the nicest school in the state for boys his age and his family had worked so hard to get him there. they paid to have the incident swept under the rug, as well as paid for the other student’s hospital bill. while he was truly too young to understand what this all really meant, ace took it as an undeniable act of love for their only son. even if he started to realize over the years that this was not at all the case and instead, a vow to protect their family’s reputation and image at any length, he still took it and ran. entitled written boldly across his forehead.

there were some years where ace acted out to test his parent’s limits. not exactly violent ways, rather than anything he knew would make them look bad, which wasn’t the most difficult task to carry out. but after some time, they caught on and enforced good behavior. they hired smarter nannies, better butlers, tighter security, whatever they could do to make ace see that they were in control whether he liked it or not. that he lived under their name and image and always would.

after that, the boy felt he had no choice but to succumb to their ways. after countless months of priming and ‘serious talking’ from his father, ace learned the genuine importance of the values that they held. what they had to live up to and how crucial of a part ace played in it all. that one day, everything would fall onto his shoulders. he was promised to be the heir of his family’s worth if he showed his own efforts and determination.

fast forward to now and ace has lived up to those promises quite nicely. he excelled in schooling and graduated at the top of his classes. there was never so much as a mark on his record ( not even the one fight he had gotten into his junior year of highschool, which his parents of course had handled. ) he was surrounded by a fine group of friends. people like him who understood his lifestyle and what it meant to hold such high values. for once in his life, he felt like he was on the right path. that is, of course, the path his parents had paved for him to follow and not his own. he was miserable with himself and his life at such a young age, but what else was there to do about it other than to just keep pushing? he had interests that kept him sane. falling in love with the details of art and the experience of travel. which he mostly managed to keep a secret from his family, until he took up a job working as an art curator at a high-end influential art museum.

there were people he met that made him feel sane and kept him from truly losing himself in his responsibilities. his friends who changed him for the better and people he kept close.

one of those people were liam yu. someone he had a special connection with and admired more than anyone else he’d ever met. liam was like a gasp of fresh of air after being forced underwater for so long, a burning desire that ace has grown dependent on to feel something. they had slept together once when they were drunk, then once more, then it became almost routine. and to no one else’s knowledge, and hardly his own, he had even fallen in love with him. though that was a deeper secret that wouldn’t dare to slip past his trembling lips. liam knew how to live and he did it in a way that ace watched through envious, growing eyes. though now that liam was gone, the boy had felt lost again. an exasperating desire to venture out and feel even half of what liam pierced through him. and even though ace was completely against the idea of their friends coming together for a roadtrip in liam’s honor in the first place, objecting to even show his face prior to it, maybe it would be for the best. he knew it was what liam would have wanted and truthfully, he was just aching for the escape.

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um some bullet points n FUN FACTS about ace because those are always neat and i wrote too much above KSJDFKDJ so here !

he really is just a grumpy old man kind of stuck in a 24 yr old’s body ://

just really pessimistic n cynical n doesn’t trust many people

really entitled . kind of ugly

his father works in new york real estate and owns a lot of properties, including a well-known luxury hotel called ‘the elite peak’

loves art and books and traveling and music and he actually works as an art curator at a really high-end influential art museum ( think MOMA )

had a friend with benefits type of connection with liam

kind of tripped n got attached n dare i say fell in love with him whoops ://

no one knows and he even denies it sometimes but ! boy was whipped

he just admired everything that liam was and how alive he felt around him and because liam gave him that sort of attention, it was game over for ace

takes his own life too seriously but can sometimes talk to people like their own life is a joke

just doesn’t know how to communicate really

is SUPER dependent even though it may not seem like it because he sometimes comes off as impassive ? but if someone pays attention to him for too long he gets attached and clingy and he hates it and so do i

addicted to peach mango tea ? kinda cute

#mytime; intro #* ◟𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎 : ace kang ◞ *#the way this is so long i . apologize #AND its poorly written? heidy pick a struggle #🥺🥺 lets plot doe !

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frankensteined · 5 years

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DEPUTY ROXANNE BAILEY (made using this template, edited to add/remove some stuff like body temperature who needs that)

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: roxanne bailey (no middle name~) PRONUNCIATION: rox-ann bay-lee MEANING: roxanne means “dawn/dawn of day” or “bright, radiant one” (which i did not know until right now!) REASONING: she was named after her father’s baby sister, who passed away when she was four years old (her father had been eight at the time). NICKNAME(S): roxie, rox, deputy/dep, rook/rookie (by the entire hope county sheriff’s department), “kid” (by dutch), shorty (by unexpected bff sharky boshaw, though he, along with most of her allies, tend to stick with “roxie”), brosenkrantz (by hurk jr, after a very intense debate over which of them was brosenkrantz and which was guildenstern), Various Terms Of Endearment from adelaide (but she calls everyone by those names so it doesn’t really count) re: the seeds and how they address her: • jacob’s taken to condescendingly calling her “precious”. as in, he did not take her seriously at first, so her attempts at bravado when they first met were greeted with a patronizing “aw, that’s cute. that’s just...precious.” so now he calls her ‘precious’ instead of ‘deputy’ half the time and she hate hate hates it. • joseph has a way of saying her first name that somehow makes her feel like he’s the one that gave it to her, so she prefers him to use “deputy” as well. it makes her feel too exposed, otherwise. • it doesn’t matter what john calls her; it always sounds like he’s playing with the name like it’s a toy she can’t get back from him. • and faith asked during their first encounter if she could use ‘roxie’ for her “like we’re friends”, so even though that’s just her regular nickname, the way faith uses it always feels a little like a trap. or an invitation. roxie isn’t sure which is worse, especially since she isn’t entirely sure that it isn’t both.

PREFERRED NAME(S): “just...anything but what the seeds call me. or the way they call me. ..you know what i mean.” BIRTH DATE: april 10, 1987 AGE: 31 (circa fc5 time, set in 2018) ZODIAC: aries GENDER: female PRONOUNS: she/her ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: biromantic SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual NATIONALITY: american CURRENT LOCATION: hell hope county, montana LIVING CONDITIONS: UHHHHHH....currently not. awesome??? (”occasionally, i’ll find a house that hasn’t been riddled with bullet holes that i can rest in for a couple of hours? that’s fancy.”) often crashes either in fall’s end or nick rye’s house, but will catch a few hours of sleep at various locations that she’s helped liberate when she’s not in that area. nothing has become a sort of “home” for her yet, though. pretty much, as soon as she finds a place with a working shower she’ll plop down for a bit to recuperate and then moves on. likes to talk/joke about moving into the seed ranch now that it’s out of john’s hands, but also worries that if she does that he’ll harm hudson worse than he already has, out of revenge (so for now it’s just stops there to do laundry and shower and that’s probably pushing her luck enough). TITLE(S): junior dep-yoo-tee with the hope county sheriff’s department

BACKGROUND

BIRTH PLACE: america HOMETOWN: gunnison, colorado SOCIAL CLASS: lower-middle class EDUCATION LEVEL: high school graduate; was attending columbia unversity on a scholarship (studying psychology), but didn’t complete her program FATHER: jameson “jim” bailey -- owner of a local hardware store in gunnison MOTHER: elizabeth “liza” bailey (nee wright) -- high school art/music teacher SIBLING(S): none BIRTH ORDER: only child! CHILDREN: hahahaha no PET(S): she grew up with a bunch of cats and no dogs, though she desperately wanted one. currently, her parents have four cats back home: ginger, roy, caesar, and bunny. in hope county, she has boomer (which is why she got so attached to him so quickly). there’s also cheeseburger and peaches, but they’re....not really pets, exactly (even if she pets them all the time) OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: lloyd bailey (paternal uncle, lives in missoula, montana), richard bailey (paternal grandfather, lives in flathead county, montana), sarah wright (maternal grandmother, lives in gunnison, colorado) PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: michael lennon; ex-fiance. (he insisted on going by “len” which, now that she’s long out of that relationship, she jokes “should have been my first red flag that we weren’t going to last”. gets roasted pretty regularly by her friends in hope county over it after they find out: “your judgment’s been pretty good so far, but then again: you were gonna marry some dude who wanted people to call him len...so...”, etc) ARRESTS?: nope! PRISON TIME?: ...not unless you could the literal cage that jacob’s kept her in~ DETAILED BACKGROUND:

• her father, jim, was born and raised in flathead county; he was the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister, but lost his sister to an accident when she was four years old. he and his older brother became inseparable, and on his twenty-first birthday they set off on a roadtrip around the country, just to see what else was out there

• her mother was born out of wedlock to a woman who “found god” after she discovered that she was pregnant and was subsequently abandoned by her lover; liza wright never knew who her father was, as her mother refused to tell her, but she was assured that she was considered a gift, rather than a punishment.

• jim and liza met when the brothers ventured through gunnison while on their trip; initially, it was lloyd who was interested in her, but jim’s soft-hearted demeanor was much more appealing in the face of his brother’s louder presence, and lloyd bowed out graciously. it quickly became a whirlwind romance, but liza called it off once he started talking about just staying in gunnison instead of completing his trip. jim told her he’d be back once he was done, but she didn’t believe him. she should have; he returned that fall, hoping she hadn’t moved on. she hadn’t. they resumed their romance, much to her mother’s displeasure, and were married the following spring (also to her mother’s displeasure)

• jim got work at the local hardware store, while liza began her career of teaching at the local high school. she’d planned on just teaching one subject, but due to a series of administrative mishaps she took on an additional role as the music teacher as well. within a year, though, she discovered that she was pregnant. they hadn’t planned on having kids so soon, but there was no helping it. jim ended up taking over the store, while liza worked until she couldn’t anymore. their daughter was born the next spring; they named her in honor of jim’s baby sister

• roxanne was a healthy, happy baby, but her parents were finally beginning to come down from their whirlwind relationship, and began to worry about money more and more. they did their very best, and they loved their daughter, but roxanne grew up thinking that it was normal that her father was only around for dinner time at 6 pm, and that he was in bed by 8 o’clock. she grew up thinking that it was normal for mothers to stay up late into the night with work, so she’d need to put herself to bed from the earliest age she could. she grew up entertaining herself, but needing to be quiet about it, lest she wake her father, or interrupt her mother’s grading or lesson planning.

• she grew up lonely. roxanne has very vivid memories of sitting on the school steps, watching parents picking up their children one by one, and having to wait until well after everyone else had gone home before one of hers remembered to get her. she remembers being embarrassed as her teachers had to sit and wait with her, and she remembers being in third grade and deciding to try to just walk home on her own; naturally, she got lost, and was found crying on a corner by the sheriff. after he drove her home, arrangements were made for her grandmother to begin picking her up and keeping her at her house until one of her parents were done work

• sarah wright might have disapproved in her daughter’s choice of career, her choice of husband, and her choice in her granddaughter’s name (she had been hoping that liza would have at least given roxanne her name as a middle name!), but she wasn’t a cruel person, and she tried her best to make her home accommodating for her increasingly moody granddaughter. roxie would later go on to recall how her grandmother would refrain from bludgeoning her with “too much church talk”, but she would make comments such as “i’ve been praying for you lately, because i know you aren’t doing it for yourself”, and other such things that would sour her on faith in general, but she shrugs it off by adding “at least i wasn’t alone all the time”. it was her grandmother who suggested she try some sort of physical activity to get her frustrations out, and she enrolled her in dance lessons, which roxanne would stick with for much of her adolescence.

• by middle school, roxanne’s moodiness had given way to real, proper anger. she was angry at her father for always being at work instead of spending time with her. she was angry with her mother for prioritizing other people’s children over her own. she was angry with her teachers for innocent infractions, such as not realizing that casually suggesting that her parents could help her with her homework felt like the equivalent to open mockery to her. eventually, the anger turned into acting out, which eventually landed her in a chair opposite a children’s counselor; here, she’d actually begin to voice these issues, which delivered a much needed wake up call to her parents. they began to seek out ways to better balance their lives, and roxanne began to realize that she rather enjoyed being able to see where her anger was stemming from, and see where it was going. it was her first brush with understanding psychology, and that redirected her focus towards the subject once she hit high school.

• speaking of which, things improved by the time she entered high school. it helped that she was now seeing her mother regularly in school, and she got a part time job as a waitress in the diner across the street from her father’s store so she could see him on his breaks, but beyond that she simply...had a place to put her energy now. more accurately: her goal was to get out of gunnison, and to study psychology. everything else seemed to fall into a strange, but welcome place in the background. her family began taking yearly trips to visit her uncle and grandparents in montana, where they would go hiking and camping, and her uncle would introduce her to bird watching. those trips became some of her fondest memories

• she worked her ass off in high school, academically-speaking, in order to have a shot at a scholarship. her mother’s position definitely helped her to at least get the audience she needed to apply for one, but roxie somehow, miraculously, managed to get one to her top school of choice mostly through her own merit. she left for columbia university, and while she was feeling wildly out of her depth there, she managed to attract a small bunch of (much more well-off) friends who saw her as a “project”. it wasn’t a flattering comparison, but by this point she had come to attach herself to anyone who actively appeared to choose her over others, and so she was inducted into their numbers and it shielded her from getting too in over her head, financially and emotionally

• one member of that social circle was michael lennon, a bio-med student, son of a senator, asked that everyone just refer to him as “len”, who, for reasons she still doesn’t understand, decided that he needed to pursue her. he was far from her type, and she turned him down initially to focus on her classes, but that only increased his interest. despite herself, roxanne was flattered by the attention, even if he was self-important. eventually, they began dating, whereupon he introduced her to things like galas (which she hated), yachts (which she hated), and how to fly his own, personal, two-seater plane (ridiculous...but she kind of enjoyed that). eventually, he asked her to marry him, and, again, for reasons she still doesn’t understand, she accepted his proposal. (...it was because it was the ultimate “i choose you” display. that’s the reason, even if she doesn’t want to acknowledge that)

• back home, her father’s struggles with money only increased, and her mother returned to throwing herself into her work at the school. it became the perfect storm needed for a man by the name of “cal jethrow” to waltz on in and offer jim help, only to turn around and con him out of everything. jim had thought that he was going to expand his business, and that could keep him afloat, but by the time that cal vanished (with his fakey-fake name), he was left with nothing. as soon as roxanne had all the details, she was already on a flight back home. her parents had told her not to return, but she ignored them. len had told her not to go, but she ignored him. her return home was bittersweet, but she was in a better position than any of them were to dig her heels in and try to help her parents back on their feet

• len told her that if she stayed, their engagement was off. with a detachment that really should have tipped her off to how little she actually loved him, roxie replied “then it’s off.” he then went on and told her to hold onto the ring “for when she came back around” (because he’s a jackass). she turned around and pawned it as soon as she got off the phone with him, so her father could keep the store running for the next month. with her life firmly turned on its head, she began looking for work that would help her help her parents, and found herself facing that same sheriff that had helped her all those years ago. she was trained up, and joined the ranks of the sheriff’s department as soon as possible.

• eventually, financial matters smoothed, somewhat, but issues between jim and liza only worsened. their relationship, which had never exactly been on anything other than shaky legs to begin with, had been strained to the point of fraying. they were forced to admit that they were struggling during another trip to montana, after jim’s mother’s passing, and roxie, attempting to keep her own anger in check, asked them what she could do to help beyond what she’d already done for them. they admitted that they were blaming themselves, and each other, for her returning home, so she suggested that she just stay in montana, with her uncle lloyd, for a while in order to give them space to figure their own shit out (direct quote). so, that’s what she did.

• her uncle was (self-appointedly) tasked with helping her find a job in montana, initially in missoula, where he lived, but he heard from an old friend, earl whitehorse, out in hope county, that he was looking for a new deputy. lloyd and his niece debated the position, with him filling her in on hope county’s history, and the cult that was operating within it, framing it as nothing she couldn’t handle, given her psychology background. “you think i can, what, deprogram people in a cult?” she asked. “christ, no! you just won’t get scared from it, is all i’m sayin’! anyways, those seeds are keeping to themselves, so i hear. you probably won’t even see them very often. it’ll be breaking up barfights and handling domestics, just like you’re used to!” she considered her uncle’s sales pitch. “alright,” she shrugged. “give your buddy a call. what’s the worst that can happen?”

• freshly relocated to hope county, roxie found herself immediately taking a liking to sheriff whitehorse, as well a fellow deputies joey hudson and staci pratt. they welcomed her with genuine warmth, taking it upon themselves to give her rides to work, as well as good-natured hazing (referring to her exclusively as “rook” when it wasn’t just ‘rookie’, and teasing her when she decided to wear the nickname as a badge of honor, since she already was a bit of a dork as far as bird knowledge went). by the time us marshal cameron burke appeared, tasking them all to accompany him in his arrest of joseph seed, pratt and hudson had delivered her one last prank: they’d had her uniform shirt ordered with the name “rook” on it instead of “bailey”. roxie found it hilarious, but nancy, the dispatcher, assured her that she’d already placed a new order for a proper uniform shirt for her. roxie dramatically thanked her for being the only person to have her back. (*sad trombone noises*)

• on the way over to the compound, while on the helicopter, roxie was checking her phone for the briefest of refreshers on the project at eden’s gate. her mother attempted to call her, but she dismissed it, intending to call back later than night, after the arrest was done and they’d all gone home.

• and. well. ....here we are. (note: at the time that i’m writing this, roxie’s sitting just shy of full resistance points in all three territories, but she’s yet to confront any of the heralds in their final encounters yet. so, that’s where i’ll be imagining her at for the most part, because it’s a fun dynamic to be playing around with, in terms of her relationships with all the other characters)

OCCUPATION & INCOME

PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME: does “deputy with the HCSD” even mean anything anymore? she isn’t exactly getting paid right now... SECONDARY SOURCE OF INCOME: ummm...selling pelts? TERTIARY SOURCE(S) OF INCOME: UMMM....looting peggies? APPROXIMATE AMOUNT PER YEAR: $Who, cares, about, money, right, now. ?? CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: “...y’know...i think my job could be better these days...” PAST JOB(S): waitress, deputy with the gunnison county sheriff department SPENDING HABITS: she’s actually always been pretty frugal, but given her current situation she’s more willing to part with funds for the sake of better supplies (or clothing). mostly, her response has been “why are you making me pay for this when i’m helping--no. you know what? fine. just give me the keys to the helicopter.” (Capitalism Never Sleeps, roxanne) MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: a necklace with a gold wishbone pendant; her mother gave it to her when she was leaving for university, “for luck”. it has since absolutely gone missing thanks to the nightmare that is her current life in hope county, but she doesn’t know when she lost it. could have been when john had her in his bunker and he was prepping her for confession. could have been when she was being dragged into a cage at jacob’s behest. could have been while she was wandering around in some bliss-fueled hallucination. she doesn’t know, it does upset her, and, yes, she’s taking it as a sign that her luck’s running out.

SKILLS & ABILITIES

PHYSICAL STRENGTH: 7/10 (she’s stronger than she looks and has decent enough upper arm strength to pull herself up ledges and ropes without struggling, but she’s also not going to win any brawls unless she ends up with an unexpected advantage) OFFENSE: 6/10 (knows how to fight, But Would Prefer Not To) DEFENSE: 8/10 (knows how to defend herself And Prefers That Very Much Actually) SPEED: 8/10 (outruns a lot of chosen in their helicopters. pisses them off. pisses the seeds off. feels good. ♥) INTELLIGENCE: 7/10 (she was a good student and has a good enough head on her shoulders, but generally isn’t too above average outside of her preferred interests) ACCURACY: depends on her condition 8/10 (generally, pretty good! she hates it!) AGILITY: 8/10 (can successfully walk in a straight line and run without tripping, can dance well, but has also slipped off a dock and fallen into the water while trying to be sneaky, so...) STAMINA: 5/10 (running on fumes most of the time these days, but still does just enough to keep going!) TEAMWORK: 9/10 (she prefers to work with others! the only times that she tries to go it alone is either if she thinks a situation is going to be too dangerous for them, or if she’s experienced something especially upsetting. she can quickly get called out of that funk by someone simply reaching out to her, however, so all in all she’s a really good team player) TALENTS: ignoring the practical skills she is honing during this ordeal (ie: picking locks), she has a stupid amount of knowledge about birds and how to get by in the woods, thanks to her uncle. she’s also a fairly skilled dancer (she was absolutely That Person who went out to clubs to actually just dance when she was in university), but generally just prefers to dance like an idiot to relieve stress. she’s a little bit crafty, too, thanks to her mother’s background in the arts, but her talents are limited to making non-fancy jewelry (though she will friendship bracelet the hell out of someone if given the chance) SHORTCOMINGS: not so great with melee weapons/hand to hand sorts of situations and has been knocked on her ass too many times to count. she’s also not super wild on heights, so every time she needs to climb something high her heart’s firmly lodged in her throat. LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english is the only language she speaks fluently, alas DRIVE?: she’s a great driver! [footage not found] JUMP-STAR A CAR?: she can get it eventually, but definitely not on the first try. luckily, she travels with much more competent car-lifters :’) CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: if she has to but there are so many abandoned vehicles everywhere is it really worth it when you can just take a new one? RIDE A BICYCLE?: yes! SWIM?: yep, and she’s had to do a lot of it lately, unfortunately. she’s always in need of dry socks :( PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: her mom tried to get her into playing instruments when she was younger, and she can pluck away at guitars well enough, but she never stuck with anything long enough to get really good at it PLAY CHESS?: hahahahahahaha no. BRAID HAIR?: yeah, but she can’t remember the last time she’s braided anyone’s hair (including her own) TIE A TIE?: yep! PICK A LOCK?: heck yes that was the second or third perk i unlocked for her

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: krysten ritter EYE COLOR: hazel HAIR COLOR: black HAIR TYPE/STYLE: shoulder length, straight. ties it back when it’s hot out. GLASSES/CONTACTS?: thankfully unneeded (though she will wear sunglasses if she finds a cool pair) DOMINANT HAND: right handed HEIGHT: 5′9″ WEIGHT: 130 lbs BUILD: slight EXERCISE HABITS: running and hiding and climbing and crouching and swimming and absolutely none of it is done for fun :) SKIN TONE: fair TATTOOS: none yet PEIRCINGS: she has her ears pierced once in each ear, but nothing more fun than that MARKS/SCARS: she’s absolutely covered in scars across her torso/arms/back/legs these days (or, if they aren’t scars already, they’re definitely going to be once they’ve healed up properly!). by far her most concerning scar is the one on her neck that came from a wolf attack, uncomfortably close to a spot that’d have been pretty fatal if she’d been less fortunate. she’s also got a burn scar on her upper left arm thanks to being too close to sharky being sharky (she doesn’t blame him, though. honest accident!) USUAL EXPRESSION: lately it’s been like this when it comes to seeing what an epic shitstorm she’s landed herself in, but prior to this she was much more relaxed and oftentimes open, if not downright playful, with others. that side still shines through when she’s with her friends in hope county, but it’s getting harder and harder to feel that way the worse and worse it gets. still, she’s trying to keep it together. CLOTHING STYLE: currently she’s stomping around in a tank top, jeans, combat boots, and a hat on, but even before coming here she was always a pretty basic jeans/t-shirt type of person. doesn’t get too attached to clothing these days, because it always gets damaged if not literally torn off her JEWELRY: the aforementioned necklace that’s gone missing, as well as some larger rings that she’s found in abandoned houses throughout the county that she keeps on to add extra insult to any punch she might need to deliver. ALLERGIES: n/a DIET: ironically, she eats fresher food now than she did before coming here. her current diet mostly consists of whatever gets hunted/fished up and whatever canned foods she finds in prepper stashes around the county, though now that the resistance has reclaimed a number of farms she’s been able to enjoy more variety. is gonna storm john’s bunker for a chocolate bar someday, though, seriously PHYSICAL AILMENTS: just...basically perpetually injured at this point. always at least a little Fucked Up

PSYCHOLOGY

JUNG TYPE: i took three different tests to see and in two of them she got the “hero/champion” archetype, so that’s what she is (as much as it pains her) MBTI: ENFP ENNEAGRAM TYPE: six “the skeptic” MORAL ALIGNMENT: neutral good TEMPERAMENT: choleric ELEMENT: fire PRIMARY INTELLIGENCE TYPE: interpersonal/intrapersonal MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: she was neglected for much of her early upbringing, and with that came issues involving anger and attachment. while she was in a much healthier place recently, some of those issues are resurfacing as she’s feeling more and more pressure from dealing with This Mess SOCIABILITY: prior to all of this, roxanne was slow to engage with others, but quick to befriend and trust them if they showed her an equal level of enthusiasm towards her. that’s essentially still the case, and she certainly excels when she’s in groups of people, but she’s becoming obviously more withdrawn and jumpy, finding it hard to accept praise or to feel like others are being honest with her when they thank her. but she still thrives off of that validation, so she keeps herself surrounded by other people as often as possible. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: L O L it’s all over the fucking place these days. she has a hard time controlling her anger, but on the flip side she’s also become even more fiercely affectionate and protective towards her friends. some days, she will swallow back every feeling she has, and the next she might end up crying over any little thing. her emotional state is kind of like sharky’s homemade, duct tape reinforced flamethrower: it’s holding together, but you’re always gonna be a little worried that it’s gonna blow up and take out everyone around it under the wrong circumstances. OBSESSION(S): for the sake of keeping sane, she’s 100% thrown herself into collecting the comics and bobbleheads and whatnot that she comes across. sometimes, roxie and her team will search a house that contains nothing but a baseball card for her collection and still consider it a success COMPULSION(S): she’s compelled to...break every tv set she comes across that’s broadcasting something she doesn’t want to see on it :) PHOBIA(S): shockingly, she’s developed an extreme fear of drowning! wonder where that came from. ADDICTION(S): she’s addicted to validation and having people choose her (going all the way back to her childhood, where her parents often did not prioritize her over others, despite their best efforts). this really, really isn’t something that she acknowledges in herself, but it does explain her responses to the accolades the people of hope county throw at her: even though she absolutely doesn’t think she deserves it, it keeps her going. she tells herself it’s because she has to keep going for them, and that’s true(!), but there’s a part of her that is sated in having others validate her. unfortunately, that also subconsciously influences her responses to the focus the cult has on her as well. DRUG USE: recreationally in her youth, but hasn’t done any for some time. (unless you count helping aaron kirby/tweak out once by being his guinea pig) ALCOHOL USE: occasionally; more so when stressed, though she tries to keep a clear head as often as possible. still, if it’s there, she’s gonna drink it. PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: ........guilty.

MANNERISMS

SPEECH STYLE: she’s fairly blunt, but surprisingly playful even now. keeping a sense of glibness to her responses, hopefully, masks just how poorly she’s coping with all of this. it isn’t all a front, though: she does genuinely speak with levity when she’s with her friends, enjoying being able to banter and joke with them, because they bring out the best in her. she used to be much more mouthy towards her enemies, until she saw firsthand how her allies were faring in their clutches. now, she saves those kinds of comments for just the right level of tension. there’s no sense in antagonizing them verbally when they’re in a better position to hurt her friends than she is to save them.

ACCENT: american QUIRKS: • even before coming to hope county, she was someone you could count on to always have gum on her person, and that’s especially true now. she’ll use pieces of gum as a peace offering/extending of an olive branch to people who don’t quite trust her, figuring that even the grumpiest of people can be won over thanks to the promise of fresh breath these days. • she also tends to “ask permission” of her animal companions before doing something dumb or reckless. if cheeseburger didn’t say no, then it’s fine, right? NERVOUS TICKS: fidgeting and picking at her hangnails DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: • from the beginning, her main drive was to understand herself, which fortunately branched out to understanding others. that’s how she came to understand and make peace with her parents, it’s what made her able to harness her own negative emotions (...usually), and it’s what made her think that she’d fare okay in hope county in the first place. she’s still trying to understand these people, as much as she is trying to survive them. • she also, of course, wants a place to belong to. so much of what she grew up tolerating was in the name of being wanted and appreciated, and whenever she finds that it becomes dear to her, even if it isn’t necessarily a positive thing (ie: frickin’ len). thankfully, the friends she’s made here are quite happy to accept her into their numbers, so she doesn’t need to pull validation from elsewhere (even though...it’s out there, in some twisted form) • also, revenge? vengeance? not a positive goal, but!! it’s in there, simmering! FEARS: she fears so much lately it’s easier to list what she isn’t scared of, but obviously the biggest one is failing everyone that’s counting on her. it’s dying here. it’s her own mind, thanks to jacob. it’s joseph. but also, it’s turkeys, because those assholes are bloodthirsty. POSITIVE TRAITS: roxie is loyal to a fault, and absolutely fails any attempt she makes to turn her back on someone that she could help. she’s genuinely affectionate with her friends, and enjoys having inside jokes and opportunities to be silly with the people who like having her around, which, all in all, makes her a really good friend. she grew up without many of those, so she tries to be better than what she started with. NEGATIVE TRAITS: roxie’s prone to flashes of anger and tends to hold grudges because of it. it makes her somewhat vengeful (part of why she leaned toward law enforcement was because she liked to imagine taking down the guy who conned her dad), which can sometimes make her take risks she really shouldn’t. she has a stubborn streak that borders on foolishness at times, and that makes her unable to just walk away when it would be better for everyone involved. she also does not handle loneliness well at all.

also she’s been turned into a brainwashed attack dog whenever jacob plays his gd song SENSE OF HUMOR: her own brand of humor is pretty dry/sarcastic/it’s-a-defense-mechanism, but in the right company she’ll lean into being silly/absurd and goofing off a fair bit (traveling with sharky and hurk together really brings that side out the most often, though nick and adelaide can get that too. she at least tries to be more serious with grace and jess, but between the three of them she’s probably the most likely to goof off). roxie does find sharky and hurk’s nonsense genuinely hilarious about....85% of the time, and although adelaide’s style doesn’t match her own at all, it still cracks her up a lot of the time as well (in an incredulous way). DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: only when stressed :) which :) i mean... :) :) :)

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: dancing ♥ ANIMAL: birds (except turkeys. she knew true betrayal when a wild turkey first attacked her) BEVERAGE: no one believes her when she says this, but it’s really just any herbal tea! COLOR: the kind of deep orange you associate with autumn FOOD: blueberries! she likes blueberry flavoured anything. (least favourite: peas) FLOWER: peonies (least favourite is.....bliss flowers. obviously. but also roses, because she associates them with cheap apologies) GEM: citrine HOLIDAY: halloween! (all about that fall aesthetic) MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: cars, though she’s getting less rammy with big fuckoff trucks in hope county :) (least favourite is probably the quad because she. tends to crash them.) MOVIE: the wizard of oz (least favourite: moulin rouge, entirely because of “el tango de roxanne”. or, more specifically, how it influenced people to say her name for like five years after the movie came out) SCENERY: as shitty as her situation is, montana really is beautiful, and she appreciates a lot of the natural sights around when she’s moving from place to place SCENT: fresh laundry is always a good one, but she’ll be the first person to admit that a really nice cologne or perfume will turn her head quickly. it’s a weakness. (least favourite is....uh. the smell of burning bodies, which wasn’t something she’d ever expect to have firsthand experience with, but here we are.) SPORTS TEAM: “uh....go cougars?” WEATHER: the kind you get right before a storm is rolling in, though she’s also fond of a good ol’ thunderstorm as well. (least favourite is snowy anything. she does not enjoy winter) VACATION DESTINATION: ironically, it used to be camping in montana. now it’d be...literally anywhere but here.

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: being able to see her parents again GREATEST FEAR: “i just don’t want to die here.” MOST AT EASE WHEN: she’s taken to setting some time aside for herself to play with boomer, or to lounge against cheeseburger when there’s some precious downtime. sometimes peaches will come lay across her lap then, too, and there’s something really reassuring about having these apex predators just relaxing with her, knowing that they’ll keep her safe. also, the jukebox at the spread eagle often gets hijacked after really stressful days, and being able to dance for a bit without worrying about an airstrike or something interrupting does wonders for putting her at ease. sometimes, her friends will put the music on for her and force her to dance with them when she’s in an especially bad funk, and it’s hard to really stay up in her own head when she sees them go to that much trouble for her sake ♥ worth noting: most of this dancing is not, strictly speaking, good, but it is ridiculous and fun. (and that’s valid!) LEAST AT EASE WHEN: joseph seed is making very intense eye contact with her (which is the only way he seems to make eye contact with anybody, in his defense) WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN: she literally can’t think of anything at this point that could make things worse for her, save a literal, actual apocalypse hahaha :( BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: retaking the hope county jail and saving sheriff whitehorse. having him back has been the first real sense of normalcy to return to her life, and was the push she needed to press on towards trying to locate and rescue hudson and pratt. BIGGEST REGRET: ...failing thus far to save either hudson or pratt. in joey’s case, roxie can sort of forgive herself, because she wasn’t in the absolute best position to be able to rescue her, but having been so close to her that she could see the tear tracks on her cheeks while john was wheeling her out of the room still weighs on roxie even now. she can’t stop to think about what she left hudson to deal with in there without feeling sick. in staci’s case, the feelings of regret and guilt are even worse because they’d come so close to being able to escape jacob together, but it was never enough. pratt had saved her, and he was left behind to suffer for it. she’s taken to smashing every tv she comes across that’s looping that video of him being left to die. MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: probably this moment when she first met hurk. it was a Class Act. BIGGEST SECRET: the seeds get to her. they’re in her head, she can’t shake certain things that each of them have said to her, and it all really boils down to the fact that a part of her -not even a part that she wants to recognize or acknowledge - thrills at the attention they have fixed on her. that part of her that yearns to be a priority is grateful, in a twisted way, that she’s apparently worth more than just a bullet in the head to them. that’s the part of her that’s keeping her skirting between territories, rather than just finishing it with the heralds one by one. roxie doesn’t accept that that’s what’s happening to her, but if she’d just stop to really think about it...she’d see that it’s true. • despite the warnings, she can’t help but...wonder if maybe faith is actually sincere but has been manipulated. if maybe she could be reasoned with. she doubts it, but roxie has to admit that hearing faith’s accusatory “i thought you were different!” made her feel. well. bad. (roxie’s totally wrong about her, and she’s been warned against faith by loads of people, but. oops.) • she isn’t....not attracted to john. like. aesthetically. it’d be an absolutely terrible idea, she would hate herself if it happened, and she loudly rejected both sharky and adelaide’s observations on their dynamic, so she’s not even thinking about it, but. ...well, anyway. that’s one of those take-it-to-the-grave secrets so shh • out of all of them, despite what everyone else has done to her, the one that’s gotten to the her the most, the one that scares her the most, the one that’s seen through her the most, is joseph

TOP PRIORITIES: “stay alive, save my team, save my friends, save the rest of the county, if i can. stay alive some more, finish this, then sleep, for a long, long time.”

#deputy: roxanne #court vs far cry 5 #my characters #profile: roxie

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wackygoofball · 5 years

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Wacky’s Brooding Box

Okay.

Here is the thing.

We are only a few hours away from the next episode. And I am barely containing my HYPE right now.

Okay.

That was a lie.

I never contain my HYPE.

But that’s not the point. The point is that I have some fanfic-y thoughts I want to share with you that are likely wishful thinking for what awaits us JB-wise in this and the final episode. I have many more headcanons of that sort, but those are the ones I am now putting in this little box here.

I will lock those headcanons inside the box and below the cut. These are all scenarios I would dig to see, and whatever doesn’t happen... I will try to make fanfiction, I suppose. If I somehow unbreak my fanfiction bones. If at least one of them turns out true... I will get a crystal ball.

1) Brienne somehow learns about Bronn having been tasked with assassinating Jaime and Tyrion. Perhaps Podrick knows from Tyrion that Bronn showed up again, but Tyrion instructed Pod not to tell anyone. But since when can Ser Son keep anything from Ser Mom for long, right? Tables turn when we see Bronn the next time, drinking himself silly at an inn close to Winterfell. Pod comes in and they have conversation - only for Brienne to come up from behind and honor Bronn with the same kind treatment he gave to Tyrion. If she breaks his nose for real, she gets extra cookies. Brienne quickly disarms him and makes it clear that she is not like Tyrion, not like Jaime, she is not here to negotiate or play castle-swap. It’s either that he does as she says or she will end him. Bronn is pissed but impressed, makes jokes about Jaime's cock being magical if someone goes that far to get it back or something to that effect. It turns out that Brienne has a new plan, which involves taking Bronn to King’s Landing with her as he has knowledge of the passageways underneath King’s Landing, as can be assumed after he led Jaime down there to meet up with Tyrion. I would just about die to have a roadtrip moment of Bronn having the giggles about JB finally having done it, though things would likely turn serious soon. I keep having that mental image of Brienne telling him that she pities him for being so alone in the world that he can’t seem to care for anyone or anything beside himself, how his life is devoid of meaning and how he will die alone no matter what castle he comes to own. Since I still have that headcanon that Bronn will choose to die an honorable death in the capacity of actually risking his life for his friends (Jaime and Tyrion are really the people he could care about even if he says and acts like he is the only one who matters to himself) or perhaps for Brienne now.

2) We zoom in on Winterfell. Brienne tries to distract herself from her anger and sadness by training excessively with Pod. She barely talks, grits her teeth a lot. Maybe Sansa watches from the balcony, looking a bit concerned or at the very least troubled. Then the IMPOSSIBLE happens. Pod lands a hit for the first time because Brienne is distracted. Podrick has a total WTF moment ("When did I become so strong? What power was I given by the Seven? What is happening??? Did I just kill her??? Ser Mommmm?"). He starts to fuss and apologizes to her as Brienne straightens back up. She tells him there is no need, then excuses herself and storms off.

3) possibly in connection to 2) if Jaime did indeed put a bun in that oven (I think he did), we see Brienne puking somewhere, or hear her, we can fill in the blanks on our own, thank you. Then either ENTER Gilly going like "oh, girl, I know the feeling, it'll pass once you are a bit further along with the pregnancy". Brienne stares at her as wide-eyed as ever , thinking "the lady is mad" or ENTER Dadvos showing concern for Brienne (I really kind of want them to have another scene because they have a twisted history together and ever since the whole honorable man and just woman, I have my headcanons, so many of them). Brienne tries to brush it off but soon realization dawns on her that, yup, there is a Braime Bun. 4) Sansa tells Brienne that Bran wants to talk to her. Brienne goes to see him and he drops some truthbombs. This ould be a number of things, scenarios my brain is currently favoring: a) Bran reveals he had another conversation with Jaime before he left wherein he told him that "you will have a child, but it isn't the Queen's" which made Jaime connect the dots that Brienne already was pregnant with his child whereas Cersei actually was not, doubling the angst for him to put her at risk; b) Bran tells her something along the lines of what he told Jon, that Brienne has to make a choice about where she wants to go moving forward as she has an important role to play in all this, which may or may not cement her crucial role to endgame; c) he reveals to her that he drove Aerys mad to bring Jaime to where he was to even things out between them, basically, how he had to set it all up for Jaime to be right where he is now, that he has to bring everyone to where they are needed and that Brienne now also has to decide where she wants to be, though whatever choice she makes “will come with great sacrifice;” d) he drops a massive hint towards the YMB(Q) being about Brienne in an even more overt way; e) some talk about East and West united, f) Bran repeating to her "Nothing's more hateful than failing to protect the one you love” to Brienne.

5) Brienne readies the horse for herself (similar to how we saw Jaime ready his before he left), we see her taking a moment to hold on tight to Oathkeeper or we zoom in on it, to affirm that she's holding on to her bond with Jaime through the twin swords; ENTER Pod asking her what she is doing. If he opens with "Ser" or "M'lady Ser" he gets extra points. Brienne tells him that she will be leaving for King’s Landing. If Pod got the clue that she may be with child (if that's the scenario we are rolling with), he may express concern about her going alone, arguing that he as her squire should come with her. Even if not with the bun going on, he may still insist on doing that because he is a good squire and she raised him well. Brienne then touches him in a very soft kind of way and tells him that she needs him to stay here, that she trusts him with her promise to Lady Catelyn now to protect Sansa from harm. "There's nothing I can teach you anymore, Podrick." Something like that. She then rides off to kick that lovely man with golden hand in the balls and make him come home.

6) Alternatively, I could see Sansa and Brienne having honest conversation about the status of her oaths and her staying at Winterfell. Brienne may express fear that Sansa would not understand why she'd want to go after Jaime, just that she does, showing that she is more adult than most others, arguing that Brienne doesn't have to stay to know her protected, hinting at the fact that Pod is more than capable as she trained him well.

7) Brienne actually doesn't head straight to KL but meets up with Selwyn or a commander of Tarth forces (maybe a kind of Goodwin character). Big reveal is that she wrote to her father to request help before she left Winterfell. I mean, they have soldiers right? I want to see more of those??? I bet they kick ass??? I would just love it if Brienne commanding Vale soldiers would now bring her one step closer to doing the same for her own people/troops. It would so neatly fit with her arc about finally taking up on her position as only living heir to her House. This could well be incorpated with Bronn being dragged along and Brienne basically not just planning a rescue mission for Jaime but also to protect his finest act by getting people out of the Red Keep and to safety by enabling evacuation protocols.

8) If there is such a thing as a father-daughter reunion between Selwyn and Brienne at some point (not necessarily before going to King’s Landing), I just want him to say how much she's changed upon first seeing her. Gah.

9) After Brienne is normally always the one to ask “what are you doing?” I kind of want Jaime to now say that to her upon seeing her wind up at King’s Landing.

10) I can still see a fakeout death scenario for either one of them. Since they were so heavy on misdirecting us with regards to Jaime’s fate, I start to think that maybe it’s really Brienne. She didn’t have a stand-alone near-death experience ever since the bearpit and the fight with the Hound. The rest was more regular battles that left us little second-guessing. At Winterfell against the living dead, eveyone could have been gone any minute, so that hardly shed the light on her (not that this episode shed much light *nudge* *nudge* Long Night *nudge*). Like, I was personally very fearful we would lose Pod that episode because they gave him the song and all those things, but she momentarily lost Jaime. Now the show’s dropped the idea of “you don’t have to die with your sister, Jaime” which is why I think that is precisely what is not happening. Otherwise it’s extremely... oddly... straight-forward. Plain. Point being, in the BatB trajectory, we are now at the point where Belle leaves for her home to be with her family, only to be held off by her evil sisters who are jealous of her. The Beast “dies” as a result of that neglect, but awakens/is reborn when Belle returns and professes her love for the Beast, and the curse is broken. In that part of the story, Jaime is Belle and Brienne is the Beast. So it may be that this is the time when we are led to believe that Brienne died, and Jaime will believe that she died, just that she didn’t. “Who wants to die defending a Lannister?” Big foreshadowing right there from all the way to their first encounters. So I can see her coming to King’s Landing and saving Jaime, only to nearly get killed herself, or leaving Jaime under the belief that she may be dead, only to then reveal that she is not. He still has to say the magic l-word, after all.

Anyway. Those are some broody thoughts for Wacky’s broody box. Thanks for your attention.

#got spoilers #jaime x brienne #jaime lannister #brienne of tarth #wacky rambles

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maleksrami · 6 years

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hey have you talked about your personal experiences at Harry’s tour at all sorry I couldn’t find anything but would love to know !

not really!! I think it’s because I just..had no idea what to say? It was all so overwhelming, I couldn’t find a way to put it in words, and I figured by the time I processed it, it’d be daaays late. i can give you a recap, but it might be long, so i’ll put it under a read more…

It was literally the best experience. like, I was shocked at how well everything went? There were so many opportunities for a disaster because this was essentially a four day vacation from home for me, so i had to make sure I planned everything and made sure I packed everything I needed, and I was soooo expecting something to go wrong at SOME point, but nothing did.

The San Jose show was incredible, though a tad lonely because I went alone and I roadtripped there so I didn’t know anybody. But I did meet two mutuals who were super sweet and lovely and that made me feel really good :) one of them gave me Harry guitar picks! and the show was amazing because for some reason, my seat was almost in a private box? At the bottom of the floor? So I had a lot of room to myself and nobody was blocking my view while I took pics and nobody was in front of me, so I was like!!! thriving!!!!!!!!!!!! And I also cried during If I Could Fly… which..oh my god. I’ve literally never cried while seeing any of the 1D boys (at least not until AFTER the show) but hearing that song live for the first time just really got to me and I was so happy to be there. I felt like I could feel the rest of the boys in that room and I got really choked up and I cried teeeeeaaaars. plus..you know… my LARRIE ass was hearing IICF in person for the first time after three years. Of course I was shitting myself. and the baby gender reveal happened and it might have been my favorite thing of the WHOLE trip, if not for him WAVING THE BI FLAG. i..can’t explain it, but seeing him pick up THAT flag in person was a real full circle moment for me and I’ve never felt more loved than i did right then.

and then…the LA shows. I’m still so…shocked. Because everything went so smoothly, especially things I had been anxious about, like being in the pit at the Forum shows and how the lining up process would work, if I’d have to “camp out”, if I’d even be very close, etc. but the way the venue did it was SO amazing and convenient for everyone (they started giving out numbers at 9am, so I got there at 7am both days and was within the first seventy people in my respective pit section both times. Then they let us leave the venue and come back later in the day and we got back in order and they took us through security and walked us into the pit) and the staff couldn’t have been nicer or more accommodating, so I felt so much better about it because I didn’t have to wait around in the sun, I was able to go back to my hotel room and get ready for the show on my own time, which!! god, I appreciated so much, lmao.

The LA shows themselves were UNREAL. I think I favored the first night a tiny bit more, only because of the people around me in the pit compared to the second night. On the first night, I got to stand with a mutual who I’d met that morning and who I’d hung out with a bit during the day, so I was just SUPER happy to be with someone so lovely and we got second row, so were like FLIPPING OUT together. And before the show, I was given a little mini pride flag outside the venue…which… I’ve never owned before. And a few years ago, I might have been too nervous to hold that up and wave it around, but I DID IT. I held it up during IICF, and during WMYB when Harry was back on the main stage and I swear at one point he saw it and his eyes sparkled while he danced around right in front of me. And i just felt so damn whole, man. I don’t get to celebrate Pride month so like..these shows were my Pride celebration, and I was doing it with the person who literally helped me come to terms with myself. I took the mini flag with me the second night, but I never took it out of my pocket because the people around me didn’t feel as…uh….warm. If you know what I mean. But just knowing I had it with me, branded to me against my side, was very comforting and I’m glad I had it that night too, I just didn’t feel very safe taking it out.

I had second row again the second night, right behind Laneone people again, but I was alone this time in the pit because the lovely people I’d been talking to in line went towards the aisle when we got into the pit, whereas I went closer to the stage. So alas, I was solo again and immediately felt a coldness from most of the Laneone people around me, so I just kept to myself because I wasn’t gonna let them ruin it for me. But the show was GREAT. Harry was emotional from the very start because it was the final show. When he came on, he kept taking deep breaths and grinning really big like he was trying to keep it together. HE DID GIRL CRUSH WITH CHASM ON THE B-STAGE??? and my mom texted me during that song and told me she was watching a live stream!! Which..oh my god, I’d never even told her about livestreams hahah. So to know my mom was watching from home was so sweet because I had sent her a text before he came onstage: “I wish you could have seen this show” :’) so overall it was just fucking incredible and I’m so proud of Harry and everything he’s accomplished. It was a fucking honor to see him play that venue because it has such a personal meaning to him. And obviously him doing Kiwi 3x…he didn’t wanna leave!! The pit got kinda scary at that point lmao, I still have some bruises. One of the cold Laneone people literally PUSHED me when I briefly grabbed the barricade when I lost my balance at one point. so..yeah, hets are just as much angels irl as they are online! anyways.

Yes, it was all wonderful. I got to meet up with some mutuals on the way out, but I didn’t meet nearly as many as I’d wanted to due to the strict pit schedule. That was the only downside! I just wish I’d gotten to meet and hug more mutuals! But I was so happy to get to meet the few that I did and I made memories at those shows I’m gonna have forever and a lot of really beautiful pictures to keep from it so :) My body definitely paid for it when I finally got home, I was WEAPING when I walked through the door because it was all over. And when I woke up the next morning, my poor body hurt and I could barely breathe and I just soooobbbbbed my eyes out. But it was all so worth it. I’m still so so so happy fulfilled and overwhelmed by the whole experience.

#Anonymous #thank you for like..asking!!#or being interested at all #the whole hslot experience meant a lot to me #text #ask replies

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smartchicken · 6 years

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Hi I show up every time you post which is haha, so funny, but I just wanna know if you've figured out that I'm a desperate bitch yet and if not, I'm a desperate bitch and I like your stuff. You're cool (also what're your thoughts on a road trip AU featuring young!Tony with a lot of trauma under his belt alongside honourably discharged Bucky who's forgotten how to live but they meet in the middle and it becomes a little easier to breathe)

-chokes-Oh manFirst off, i really would like to encourage people to just randomly describe themselves in my inbox.SECOND this is the first time I've replied to an ask with the mobile app and i don't understand why it's not automatically double spaced, it's really fucking with me, but I'm about as likely to do something about it as i am to tell my phone to auto-capitalize "i". I just Don't CareTHIRDLYROADTRIPokay first off I've had a very few good roadtrips and only one was "Long" (~18 hours) BUT i have great stories from those and now i am picturing not only a young Tony maybe on the run or just trying not to be home, and poor Bucky who got an honorable discharge but got fucked over because that's the American way, but all the avengers because the best roadtrip is when there's two cars and by about halfway through you're straight up enemiesSo like, car 1: Rhodey, Nat, Pepper, Bucky, and Tony. Car 2: Steve, Clint, Phil, and Sam. Because those are who i currently feel like giving a fuck about. Car 1 starts with a disadvantage because 5 people in one car always sucks but like, ride or die bitchesSo I'm sort of imagining this as BlackPepper combining their friendgroups in a fucking into the fire way like sink or swim love each other or else. Because it's that or awkward lunches for six months and they clearly don't have the time for that. I assume there is plotting going on because we all know it plotting redheads, but they probably lost control of the situation at one point because roadtripLike I'm imagining a college au so get in that mindset. I feel like Pepper immediately put her foot down about Tony, who's the only teenager there even though he acts like an old man. Pepper is just like okay Tony HAS to be with me or Rhodey at all times or I'll fuck everyone up Nat i stg i will kill your friends to death if they look strongly at my precious baby and Nat looks a this stubborn little asshole who is at once fearless and terrified and she's like, fair enoughBut Bucky, right? I know I'm a Tony fangirl but I'm not forgetting about Bucky. Cause Bucky went into the army at 18 and he came back three years later a different person. Steve didn't go with because a) he's a twiggy artist and b) Sarah would have murdered him after she destroyed the entire us military tbh. Bucky's a freshman, the only one in the group even though he's older than most of them. He's been back for like 6 months now and probably shouldn't even be dealing with college life but he's Bucky and lbr he's not gonna cut himself any slack. But by golly his friends love him and will absolutely fight everyone for him, even himself. So while Pepper's like "protect my son" Nat is like okay let's try to make sure Bucky's with Steve because they're kinda codependent but we're letting that happen for now because we have bigger fish to fry, but on the dl because currently Bucky won't admit to any issues under penalty of death.So day of the roadtrip. I dunno where they're going probably tourist shit they're just like get in the car we'll head for such and such and go from there. My only frame of reference here is Florida so I'm picturing them having to drive at least five hours before they have any reason to stop.Oh! Yes so first stop is gonna be a spring or river or some sort of water shitSoGetting ready to go is Hell they have to fit enough shit for nine people into two regular sized trunks. So they've gotta clean literally everything but the spare tire outta those("Fuck it, leave the tire," Clint suggests. He's packed all of a backpack and, incomprehensibly, his bow with three arrows and he's absolutely going to reek in about two days and probably didn't bring any shampoo or a toothbrush. It's probably like, a t-shirt, some boxers, and swim trunks. He'll wear the same shorts for a month he doesn't care. "If we get stuck on the side of tree road, I'll feed you to buzzards for sport," Pepper says pleasantly. She knows him a little better than most of Nat's friends because her and Clint half live together. They get along fine but Pepper progressed to threats much quicker than Clint is comfortable with. He thought about telling her it was hot but decided he liked his balls intact. "Just shove over the duffle," Bucky said. Tony's being quiet but he's got a toolkit packed in case anything goes wrong; there'll be no stuck-on-the-roadside on his watch. )So they get the trunks sorted and there's a couple bags in the backseats but it's good enough. Then Phil shows up (when did he leave???) and stuffs some blankets and pillows into both cars. "My family likes roadtrips," he says. His eyes are dead. Phil is not including himself in his family here. Phil tried to beg off but Pepper couldn't get Happy and Nat couldn't get Scott etc etc for various missing people and Phil agrees to come because, ultimately, these socially-challenged morons need a voice of reason and that's not Pepper or Nat OR Sam, no matter what they think(The truth is they're all reckless idiots and Phil's no exception but combined they can keep each other safe-ish or at least get in trouble together)((Tony didn't want to come either but more because he doesn't want to get underfoot. But Rhodey and Pepper made the mistake of trusting his "I'm fine" and leaving him alone for a few weeks at school exactly once. Pepper had hugged him and said "Pretty please?" and Tony's no good at turning down requests, especially from his few, beloved friends))(((Nat took a different approach with Bucky, who didn't want to come either. "If you don't come Steve won't come and then you'll have to say at Steve and Sam's wedding that it was delayed all because you skipped out on the best roadtrip ever.""It is going to be awful," Bucky said. Nat gave a particularly Russian shrug. Bucky sighed and gave in. He didn't exactly wanna spend a week in the dorms alone anyway.)))And then they really just wanna get going what the fuck guys it's already evening should we just wait til morning no fucking way shut your mouth we're going n o wPepper and Nat manage to be together, and they manage to pay Tony and Bucky special attention, as intended. But uh. Oops?It's Rhodey driving with Pepperi the passenger seat, mostly out of habit; they've done short road trips a lot at this point and it's always Rhodey driving to start, Pepper up front so Tony can nap in the backBut uhTony's in the middle in the back, with a pillow and a tablet in his lap. He's putting on a good show of being Totally Fine, but he's clearly tense. Bucky's smooshed against the door as much ash can, broadcasting discomfort like a cat in the rain. Nat leans against the door too, trying to be considerate, but Pepper starts texting her urgently( TOUCH HIM!!!!!hes so tense wtfNat I love you trust me and touch him a littleAnd Nat shifts over just a bit, so her legs are against Tony's, and for a second he freezes, and then he finally loses some of that tensionTOUCH STARVED?????? Nat texts Pepper, alarmed for this kid.His dad sucks, is Pepper's take, and Nat scowls and gets comfortable, pointedly touching Tony without pushing into his space.)MEANWHILE Phil is the odd man out but he's driving so it kinda works. Clint's in the passenger seat because Clint is a no good dirty cheater, and also has very stern, specific instructions from Nat. Steve and Sam are the most comfortable of the entire group, and within an hour they've got their feet a little tangled, not cuddling but not-not cuddling, and Steve's dosing a little cause he took a motion sickness thing and it always makes him a little sleepy"So Pepper seems terrifying," Clint says to Phil as an opener. They probably should've hung out at least a little before this because Pepper and Nat are the only things he can think of to talk about (and maybe it's not helping that Phil is weirdly hot and serious and he's seen him smile a couple times and he's trying to figure out how to see it up close but it turns out it's not hard cause right away Phil grins and chuckles a little and Clint thinks he's maybe having a heart attack)"So does Natasha. Or is it just Nat?""Sometimes it's Natalia," Clint says automatically, which isn't very helpful. "Uh. What are you studying?" Which is stupid and cliche but Phil manages to turn it into an actual conversation and in the backseat Sam's texting the whole thing to Bucky, who keeps sending back strings of emojis that aren't always sensible but like, Sam totally gets it. And then Sam gets a text of the top of a head of messy dark brown curls and a string of panicking emojis. There's a suspicious blushing emoji in there though and Sam snickers to himself. Steve wakes up with a little "hm?" which is too cute for words so Sam just passes him the phoneTony started off working on his tablet but he hasn't slept in...a while and he's been stressing about this but now he's in Rhodey's familiar car and Pepper's got classic rock going kinda quiet and Nat snuck her toes under his leg and he fights it for a while, but eventually he slumps over, and he doesn't even notice himself sliding towards the warmth that smells like machine oil and leather. Tony looks small and sweet and quiet and Bucky likes to watch him sometimes, when he can, even though he feels like a creep. It's just that Tony seems so alive in a way that Bucky can't really capture. Like he's so tired but so full of life and fire and maybe that's optimism he's not sure but he thinks it might be. Everyone always seems tired on campus, or young and stupid, or just so unrelatable. And it's not that he can relate to Tony so much as he wishes he could. Like watching the moon in the surface of a lake and being afraid of the ripples. Bucky slowly relaxes, lulled into it by Tony's quiet breathing, and Nat gives him a very obvious thumbs up, with a certain look in her eyes, and he catches Rhodey's eye in the rearview mirror, so he slides down a little, slowand quiet, tucks an arm around Tony and lets himself relax, puts down three phone and stares out the windowThey stop at an all-night walmart when Clint suddenly realizes they don't have SUPPLIESWATER SUPPLIES!!!Bucky and Tony go in, with Clint and Phil, to get Supplies, while everyone else stretches their legs or texts demands for snacks.They grab a bunch of stuff, everything that looks even mildly amusing, Tony sleep-fuzzy and relaxed from it, and in line him and Clint attack each other with pool noodles, earning a few glares from other shoppers, but they're laughing too!much to care. There's not really room in the cars for everything but they make it work and they're all wide awake then, everyone chattering for the last two hours before they realize they should've arrived by now and then Rhodey stops (he was the one leading) and there's dogs barking and they're in a trailer park andPhil calls him just to ask, "What the fuck Rhodes."They all get out their phones and they're yelling directions at Rhodey and they're lucky he loves them because seriously they deserve death at this point. They pull up to the park at 5am when they should've been there at, oh, 1 or so no one's sure how they got so turned around but they made it yaaayAnd then "Fuck," Pepper says. "Tents."And that's where I'm leaving this for now cause I'm tired of typing on mobile but tbh i wanna write a college roadtrip now. I'm just imagining a lot of cuddles at this point everyone gets maximum hugs plz. Also i can't tag this??? So thanks mobile

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ichabodcranemills · 4 years

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End Of Year Fic-Writer meme

It’s that ask meme, but because I never get asks, I decided to just answer everything on my own :)

1. What’s your personal favourite thing you wrote this year?

there’s always time, on my mind (so pass me by, I’ll be fine) , specially chapter 5

It’s a Thirteen-centric story where she has to face some demons after having the TARDIS attacked by a very peculiar weapon, and ends up becoming something of a monster herself. It was based on a prompt list and, at first, was meant to have short chapters but it grew into something much bigger and more complex. Chapter 5 is almost a story on its own and it has 5k words, which is the most I’ve ever written for a single chapter. Yeah, I just love this story a lot.

2. What’s your least favourite thing you wrote this year?

Doctor Oswald. It was a Yaz & Clara roadtrip adventure. It’s not that I disliked it, but it was really out of my comfort zone and I’m not sure if I managed to write Yaz and Clara well. I had a really hard time tapping into their voices. I deleted that story for a series of reasons, but I plan to post it again next year, after giving it some more treatment. But I think it will still be my least favourite thing, even though I think it’s a good story.

3. Which of your fics was most different from what you usually write?

I mean, this year I really expanded on my writing, so it was a big exercise on writing different styles, but It’s just blood under the bridge was the most unique one. It’s a collection of Doctor Who ficlets following whumptober prompts. It has a little bit of graphic violence, and it’s the first time I wrote something like that. Also it’s my first collection

4. Which of your fics this year was most successful?

rare is this love; keep it covered it’s chameleon arch Spydoc story, of the fluff, domestic bliss variety, not angst and deceit one. It was my first Doctor Who fanfiction ever, I love it so much and I’m so proud of it.

5. Which of your fics do you wish was more successful?

Despite being my second most successful fanfic, I wish ‘there’s always time’ had been more successful, because it is my favourite. Find me where the skies are blue is another Spydoc story that didn’t get as much attention and I think it’s a really good one.

6. What’s your favourite piece of dialogue you wrote this year?

“Come on, Doctor” his voice is velvety and amused “You locked me here, the least you can do is face the truth, for once in your life. Admit that you’re doing this because you have to feel in control of something after you lost control of your entire life. Of your entire history. It does bother you not knowing who you are, or what you have done, and your silly speech at the Matrix chamber didn’t change this. Admit that it hurts you that you don’t even have me. I’m not your oldest enemy, just another casualty that doesn’t even cause a blip in your life. You have no one and there’s nothing you can do to fix this. Admit that you wish you-”

“What,” she snaps, getting face to face with him “Wish I had killed you?”

Before he can answer, the Doctor grabs him by his shirt and pushes him against the wall, her forearm in his throat, squeezing enough to make him gasp.

"That's what you want, isn't it? To die? I can arrange that."

"Do it then” he shivers under her touch “Snap my neck until I run out of regenerations, see all of them wither in front of you, wreck this vault with the energy of it. End me for good."

She pushes him harder, a snarl twisting her face, but it only makes him laugh and lean into her touch.

“Or, even better, do it properly this time. Find another death particle, throw this ship into a neutron star. End us both, once and for all. Rid the universe of its monsters.”

From chapter 5 of “there’s always time” (I said it was my favourite :D)

7. What’s your favourite piece of description or narration?

He doesn’t deserve any honor because he doesn’t even deserve to be alive.

Sometimes, when the pain is too much, he walks to Mount Agaat, the edge of his world. If he would jump from there, there would be no way back. Nothing would be fast enough to catch him. Not even-

He always walks away, though, because what would be the point of that? Kill himself when Mipha and the other champions had given their lives so that Link and Zelda could live. Defeat Ganon. Rebuild the world. That would be a waste of their sacrifices, pettiness too great for Link to bear. So he walks away and gets into stupid fights with armored Lizalfos, and if he’s lucky, he gets himself hurt enough he might see-

From “What remains once the war is won”, a post-game Breath of the Wild, Miphlink fanfic. It’s all angst, all the time, and I still have to write the final chapter :D.

8. Which fic this year was most fun to write?

the landscape after cruelty , another Spydoc, based on Spyvember prompts. Most of it was really fluffy and soft and I wrote it with a smile on my face all the time.

9. If you could go back and change something about one of the fics you wrote this year, what would it be?

I wouldn’t title a story “rare is this love; keep it covered”. A semicolon on a fanfic title? What kind of pretentious shit? I don’t know what I was thinking.

10. What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?

I will try to give some love to my non Doctor Who stories, specially “in her smile was kept my whole world” (Sleepy Hollow, Ichabbie), which should’ve been finished already. I’ll also try to be less self conscious. English is not my first language but I work really hard on it and I shouldn’t be ashamed when I make mistakes, that’s only natural.

#fanfic #my writings #suicidal thoughts tw #suicide ideation tw

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

Text

59. Around The World

Hey,

I hope you had a great week! My week was a bit busy because I have so much stuff to do for university. But I tried to finish the new chapter. And since the last week was my birthday week I wrote a VERY LONG new chapter!

It took me some time to find the right spots for Eileen’s journey and the pictures. I really hope you like it because I do. And I wish I could do such a journey as well some day.

Now I hope you like the new chapter!

________

April 15th

Hello readers! I finally arrived in Bangkok! It was a hell of a flight and after landing I was so done with everything here. I didn’t even visit the city and was done – at least for day 1. After leaving the airport I took a cab to my hotel and fell into my bed. For my stay here in Bangkok I booked a hotel room but during my roadtrip I will sleep in hostels I guess.

On day 2 I did a typical sightseeing tour through Bangkok. What a big city! And I’m already done with the smog although I know smog from LA. So after asking the people in the hotel I decided to visit the Grand Palace in Bangkok, The Wat Phra Kaeo, the house of Buddha. Afterwards I went to the temple of the Reclining Buddha. I’m still totally overwhelmed by it. Something I’ve never seen before. The culture here in Thailand is so different to our American culture. Btw, surely I also visited the Temple of the Golden Buddha. I took two days to visit all of the great Buddha temple. Then I decided to visit the National Museum and the Wang Na Palace. Can you believe that until the 1970s this was Thailand’s only museum? I was so surprised to hear that! I did a guided tour in English and learned a lot about the history of the country.

What else to tell you about Bangkok? It’s a big city….okay I already mentioned it before. It’s so crowded. I definitely DON’T want to drive a car here. I think I wouldn’t survive. There are definitely places you shouldn’t go alone. I didn’t try any food on the street markets because I was afraid that my stomach wouldn’t like it. But Miranda, whom I met at the guided tour at the National Museum, did and she told me it was very tasty. Miranda is from Chicago and since she’s travelling also on her own, we decided to do some sightseeing activities in Bangkok together. We both liked the Lumpini Park with all its green oasis. When I was sitting there reading a book I didn’t think that I was in Bangkok. All the traffic, all the busy people were far away from me. I definitely want to go back to the Lumpini Park but since I only have three days left in Bangkok I have to make a logistic time schedule, haha.

So, this was my first blog post about my journey! I decided to start this blog so that my friends and family will always know where I am and can read what I experienced, saw and whom I met. Some family members may feel reassured when they can read what I’m doing here (hello mom!).

Thanks for reading!

I think I will do the next blog post when I have Wifi in a hostel somewhere in Thailand….well I hope there will be Wifi on an island.

ByeBye Eileen

April 28th

I just wanted to let you know: I’m still alive! In the last two weeks I traveled through Thailand together with Miranda. We make a great travel duo since we both have the same destinations. I don’t know where to start but Thailand is such a wonderful country. I like the nature. We flew to Ko Phi Phi, did a canoe trip, went to the beach, did a snorkeling trip. Afterwards we traveled to Phang Nga Bay and of course Phuket. Later on we wanted to visit the Smilian Islands but didn’t have time.

So we only did two more beach days and on our last day we visited a rescue center for elephants. Here are people who take care of elephants who had to work at a circus or in shows only to entertain people (mostly tourists). The animal tamer took their honor. It was really heartbreaking to visit this center because many of the elephants are very sick and weak. Anyway….I have some news for you: I changed my plans!

Miranda and I will fly to Tokyo in two days! After five weeks in Thailand I have to leave this wonderful country but I’m so looking forward to my next destinations!

I will keep you updated!

ByeBye Eileen

May 6th

Puuuuuhhhhhhh……Tokyo is confusing but the people here are so nice! Every time you are checking out where to go someone asks if you need help. Okay maybe we both looked totally confused by all these skyscrapers and crowded places and streets. I mean, I’m from LA and I know crowded places, crowded high ways and smog but Tokyo is a huuuuuuge difference. If you want to pass a crossroads you are doing it together with 200 other people. Honestly! But I really like the city. I love the food! I mean, for the first time in my life I had real sushi from Japan!

Miranda and I did all our trips together – just to avoid to get lost haha. She already visited Tokyo a few years ago so she knew some places but it was still very confusing. I mean, everything is so big!

Whatever….we went to the Roppongi Hills Tower and had a great view at the skyline of Tokyo. Although I’m totally afraid of heights I tried to enjoy it because it was really a beautiful view.

So after one week in Tokyo I’m finally on my way to Australia! I’m sooooo excited! I’m flying to Sydney and three days later my lovely brother Marc will join me!

But at the same time this is also a goodbye. Miranda and I have to part our ways. She has to fly back to Chicago because her journey is ending here in Tokyo. She already traveled through Canada, South America, Hawaii, Europe and Thailand. In nine months. That’s a long journey, isn’t it? I take my hat off to her because she did the whole journey on her own! I was the first person she met on her way and wanted to travel with. Honestly, I’m feeling a bit honored. Thank you for showing me around in Thailand and Tokyo, Miranda! I will miss you! Have a safe flight back home. We will definitely meet when I’m back in the States!

But now I have to leave to get to the airport. Little Eileen completely alone in the whole wide world!

ByeBye Eileen

_____

After landing in Sydney I needed a break. I was so sick and tired after arriving in Sydney. The flight did its best. I hated it. Did I ever mention that I’m afraid to fly? Why the hell did I even decide to travel the world?

I took a cab to the airbnb that I booked here. I was so happy that I didn’t book any hostel because I needed time for myself. I needed time to take care of myself. I needed time to rest. So after arriving at this beautiful airnbnb near the Bondi Beach I bought a pizza at the pizzeria near my apartment and went back to the apartment. After eating it I fell into an eleven hour lasting sleep. I needed it. The next day was very relaxing. I breakfasted at the balcony and read a whole book in the following five hours. Afterwards I needed a nap. I was so tired and jet lagged. But I was looking forward to tomorrow when my brother would arrive. Originally it was planned that I would stay on my own for ten days here in Sydney and maybe travel through the country for a few days but I changed my plans when Miranda asked me to come to Tokyo with her. I mean, what a crazy conversation it was:

Miranda: “I think it won’t be easy travelling solo after these two weeks with you here in Thailand” Me: “You’re going to Tokyo, right?” Miranda: “Yes”

She looked at me and suddenly said these words I was already expecting.

Miranda: “Um, what about joining me?” Me: “Well, I’ve already booked my flights for Sydney” Miranda: “Yeah but you can change them. I know some tricks” Me: “Really? And it isn’t too expensive?” Miranda: “No….”

So two hours later it was safe.

Me: “Wow, now I’m going to Tokyo with you” Miranda: “Life can be so easy when you’re spontaneous”

And she was right. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made! Going to Japan was great! What an experience. I was totally culture shocked but I love this city! I definitely want to go back some day.

It was a bit sad leaving Miranda behind. But Tokyo was her last destination. I mean, she already traveled the whole world I guess. It wasn’t her first world trip. She already traveled the world after leaving school. But this was fifteen years ago. For her nine months lasting trip she started last year she saved some money but she also makes money while being on the road. She’s a blogger and an IT expert and is working as a free lancer. I still don’t how the hell she is working as an IT free lancer but she had so many interesting stories to tell! I think it’s obvious that she was the one who created my blog. I mean, I don’t have any knowledge in IT.

In the evening I went to the beach and watched some surfers. I felt so old because these people here looked all so very young! But maybe it was only because of the fresh air and the sun? I had the feeling the people here didn’t have to go to work because they were surfing during the day and partying at night. I think my flat was in a typical party street because I saw a lot of party people on my way back home that night.

The next day was THE day. Marc’s flight finally landed. I counted the hours until I could hug my brother. I squeezed him so much that he almost couldn’t breathe. Sorry, brother! But I was so happy to see someone familiar. Although travelling with Miranda was a great experience and I also liked being on my own for a few days, I have to admit that I missed my family. And I missed my friends. I missed LA so much.

So when I put my arms around Marc it was like coming home for a few seconds. I closed my eyes and imagined to be at LAX. I always hugged my brother this way when either he or I arrived at LAX. “How was your flight?” I asked him. “The worst” he said and took his backpack. Marc was the perfect Australian backpack tourist. He just looked like a real surfer boy with his blonde hair. Okay, he even lived here for a few years and everything started as a backpacking trip so maybe it wasn’t that surprising that he looked like a real Aussie.

Back in our apartment we relaxed for a while and went to a restaurant afterwards. Marc looked tired but he kept me entertained. He always had a good story to tell. Surely he told me everything about his kids who grew up so fast during the last three years that I was living in Berlin. Oh my gosh, it was such a long time! “I can’t believe that Noel is already going to school!” “He is! And his favorite subject is Math!” “Whaaat? Are you really his dad?” I laughed out loud. “No one in the Puritz family likes Math. Never!” Marc and I shared a laugh and enjoyed our beer on our first night together in Sydney.

Our real journey started the next day with a trip through the city. We visited the Opera House, the Harbour Bridge, Darling Harbour and Royal Botanic Gardens. Since Marc was some kind of native here he showed me around and little Eileen was totally impressed by everything she saw this day.

Since it wasn’t that hot yet we went to the beach in the following days. While I was sunbathing Marc was reading or buying ice cream. He was such a good travel buddy! We both took a bath in the ocean and I even got a surf lesson. Sometimes it can be good to have a brother who was working here as a surf teacher for a few years. Marc was a real drill instructor! And I felt like the worst student ever. I just couldn’t do it. I was afraid to surf. But Marc did his best to teach me the basics during this week.

While we were on our way to the Great Barrier Reef I was typing my next blog post.

May 20th

Greetings from Down Under! Marc and I are having the time of our lives here – okay maybe only I’m having the time of my life since I’ve never been here before and Marc even lived here for two years. He’s not that impressed by Sydney anymore, like I am. But he’s happy to be back. Back where everything started. If he wouldn’t have traveled to Australia a few years ago, he wouldn’t have met his wife. Oh my, I’m getting emotional….I have to stop it!

So what did we do here? Of course Marc showed me around in Sydney. I love this city! It kind of reminds me of LA sometimes but then I’m hearing this British-Australian accent and I know I’m not in LA haha. We spent a lot of time at the Bondi Beach and I didn’t get any sunburn! See mom, I’m definitely an adult now.

Now we’re on our way to the Great Bareer Cliff. We’re doing a boat trip and we will stay in the area for a few days until our way leads us to the Uluru. I’m so excited to be in the outback already!

We’re already here for two weeks and we will stay another four weeks! Then we’ll travel to Hawaii. Marc wanted to go there. I wasn’t really planning to visit Hawaii but now I’m excited too (after googling the top spots haha). Then our journey will lead us to Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and Mexico. Marc will travel with me to Argentina and Brazil but then I’m solo again. But who cares. It’s an exciting journey no matter if you’re with someone or totally on your own!

I will write again when we’re back in Sydney in one week!

ByeBye Eileen

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“Wow what a long car trip” I said exhausted and fell to the bed. We were finally back in Sydney after a trip through the outback for eight days. Marc rent a jeep and so we started our way through the “pampa” as Lara would call it. The great Australian outback. I really liked the outback. The nature was so impressive. We even visited a national park and yes, I saw some kangaroos. Such cute animals.

But I was happy to be back in the city again. It was very hot here in Sydney so I didn’t want to go outside the next day. More than 40 degrees. Urgh.

I stayed at home while Marc got up very early to go surfing early in the morning when it wasn’t that hot yet. I preferred staying in bed the whole day. Okay not the whole day. Maybe it was the first day during my whole journey that I didn’t want to do anything. Just relaxing. I noticed while travelling that I’m not a typical chilling-traveller. Just lying in bed all day, reading, relaxing or maybe some Netflix was fine but I could do that at home as well, right? So I got up every day to get out of the house, to do something. I wanted to see something, watch people, eat delicious food, talk to people, take a walk, enjoy the culture and explore new places. I think I was a very annoying travel buddy because I needed action all the time.

But today I didn’t want to. I just laid here in my bed and got up at 11am to take a shower. Suddenly I heard the door knocking. Okay, um, who did want to visit us? I didn’t know anyone here except of Marc and he definitely took his keys with him this morning because they weren’t on the key board. But what if he lost it?

I left the shower and went to the door half naked – just a towel covered the most important parts of my body – because I thought that it was Marc who knocked. But I was wrong. There was a guy standing in front of me. Um, well….fuck. “Hey Eileen” he said. Okay, the guy knew my name. That was creepy! He looked at me and I searched in my brain for any information about this guy. Maybe I knew him as well but didn’t remember him?

Suddenly I realized who he was. “Ben!” I said surprised. “You needed some time to remember my name, right?” he laughed. “Um, yes, sorry” “Not about that” I grinned. “Um, is Marc here?” he asked. Okay, Ben knew that Marc was here. But he obviously didn’t know that Marc was out for surfing – or Marc forgot that he invited Ben? Why was Ben even here? He was from Germany! “Marc is surfing at the beach” I told Ben. “Oh okay” Ben said. “I thought he’s here. He told me the address where you two would stay so I thought I’m coming over” “But I bet he’s back in two hours.” I told him. Ben didn’t really answer me so I asked him why he was here in Down Under. “I’m travelling. I needed a break” “Oh just like me” I laughed. “Well, do you want to come in?” “Sure” he said and followed me insides. I felt so stupid in my towel that was so short he could almost see my butt... “Um, take a seat, I’m just….I’m looking for some clothes” I told him. “Do it” he grinned and went into the kitchen.

I ran into the bathroom and almost fell down while taking on my jeans. It was too tight. I hated it. I hated my thighs and these skinny jeans. Who created this trend? And why did I even like these pants????

Back in the kitchen I saw that Ben was looking at my computer. My blogdomain was opened because I was writing a little bit before showering. “Sorry, I didn’t do anything here. I just read a bit” he said. “It’s okay” I said. Okay, it was a bit weird that I caught him reading at my computer. But I think he felt more embarrassed and caught that I felt when I opened the door half naked. “So, how are you?” I wondered. “We haven’t seen each other in years” The last time I saw him was seven years ago.

“Great” he grinned and started telling me about his past years when he was still working on music. He recorded a few records and released them and even toured through Germany but that’s it “And I heard you dated Sebastian” he suddenly said. “Um, yes I did. We were dating for three years” “Such a long time. And you survived it that the band became famous in such a short time” “Well, I get used to it” I joked. “I already knew the feeling of being the girlfriend of a guitar player” “Oh right, Marc told me….this Red Hot Chili Peppers guy, right?” “Yep” “How did that end?” “Well, first he broke up, we got back together and then I broke up. That’s it” “Doesn’t sound that romantic” “It was….but…..he was so busy, I didn’t want to live this lifestyle anymore. A lot happened during that time” “Hm….” ”What about you? Your girlfriend?” “She cheated on me” “What?” “Yes…” ”I’m sorry about that….” I said. “It’s okay” “So that’s the reason why you needed a break?” Ben nodded.

We sat down at the balcony and proceeded chatting. Ben was such a cool and funny guy. But he was also very emotional and thoughtful. Although I didn’t really like the music he did I like talking to him. I could understand that Marc like him so much. They even shared an apartment when Marc was living in Berlin for a while almost ten years ago. “So Marc is a father of two now….wow” Ben said when I was showing him photos of my niece and my nephew” “He is” I smiled happy. “And he met the girl here in Australia?” “Yes….she’s American but she visited his surf curs and well….they met afterwards” I laughed. “Funny story” Ben agreed.

Speaking of Marc. He just came home. I heard the door opening.

“What the fuck maaaaan” was the first thing he said when he saw Ben. The two shared a typical buddy hug – and it lasted very long! While Marc and Ben couldn’t stop talking I decided to write a little bit more for my next blog post but couldn’t find a mood to write. “Hey sis, do you want to eat something? We want to go to the best burger restaurant at Bondi Beach?” Marc asked me. “Sure, why not”

After having the best burger in Sydney we enjoyed our beer at the beach. Sometimes my brother had the best ideas ever. “Life can be so easy” I said. “Just go to the beach with a bottle of beer and watch the sunset” I said. “It is” Ben smiled at me. Suddenly a group of guys approached us. It turned out that Marc knew these guys from the surfing club. He started talking to them and later they asked him if he wants to join them to go partying. He didn’t know if he should agree but I could see in his eyes that he wanted to go partying so bad. “Go!” I told him and laughed. “Sure? Can I let you two alone here?” “We’re old enough” I rolled my eyes. Marc looked at Ben. “I take care of her” he assured him.

So Marc left together with the surfing guys and let me alone with Ben at the beach. The sun was already going down. Honestly, it was a really beautiful moment but it felt a bit weird to share it with someone I barely knew. “Doesn’t it look beautiful?” Ben asked into the silence and pointed at the sky. “It does!” “Hey, what about a walk at the beach?” “Sure!” So we walked at the beach. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. Ben wasn’t flirty or weird at all. Maybe I was the one who questioned the whole situation because I found myself looking at Ben wondering how cute he was. Wtf? Did I just say that I thought my brother’s mate was cute? Oh well….

Ben brought me back home safety. “Hey um, what are you doing tomorrow?” “Probably packing my backs because we have to catch the flight to Hawaii in two days” “Wow….what a great explanation” Ben laughed. “I never asked a woman what she’s going to do the next day and she answers ‘I’m packing my bags for Hawaii’” “See, now it happened” I grinned. “But what about visiting a theme park tomorrow?” “Um” I was a bit overwhelmed by his question. “A theme park?” “Yes….unless you’re not really into roller coasters” “Depends” I laughed. “So…do you want to go?” “Sure….when?” “I will pick you up at 9am” “Okay, cool” I smiled. “Cool” Ben smiled, hugged me goodbye and turned around. Okay, why was I grinning after closing the door?

The next day started very early because I really had to pack my bag before heading to the theme park with Ben. I was afraid that I couldn’t have time for it tonight because Marc and I wanted to go out for dinner one last time here in Australia. Ben took me to a vintage theme park where many of the roller coasters were from the 60s. I liked the atmosphere here. We could even walk to the ocean because the theme park was directly placed at the ocean. I liked this place so much. I liked Australia so much. And I liked this day. Ben and I laughed a lot and we never went out of topics to talk about. He was very talkactive lately and so was I.

He didn’t force me to drive a roller coaster I didn’t want to. When he wanted to drive one I didn’t want to I just waited for him outside. Afterwards he bought us ice cream. Oh well, I felt like a teenager. I was grinning and laughing and totally forgot about the time. Suddenly Ben took my hand while we were walking through the park. Okay, what happened here? But although I was questioning it I didn’t stop it. I let him hold my hand because I….liked it? Did I really like it? When we were doing a short break on a bench from where you we had a great view at the ocean he looked at me. He was so close. I felt very nervous because I didn’t know what was happening here. I didn’t want to date any guy – this was my mantra for my journey! “No guys!” – Not for a date, not for a kiss, not for holding hands and not for anything more.

But now that I was sitting here with Ben I totally forgot about my philosophy.

When I was looking into these blue eyes I forgot everything. I looked at his tattooed arms and suddenly he turned my head so I looked back into his eyes and then he kissed me.

“What are we doing here?” I asked after many kisses we shared. “Um, kissing?” “Yes but why?” “Because I wanted to….I hope you wanted it too?” “I did!” I smiled and kissed him again. “But” I kept talking. “Why the hell did I have to kiss a friend of my brother in Down Under?” “That’s just life” Ben grinned. “Well….” My phone was ringing. I didn’t want to take it but Ben told me to take it because it could be Marc. And he was right. “Eileen, where are you? I’m waiting at the restaurant outside”

OH FUCK!

“I really have to go now” I told Ben in a hurry. “I totally forgot that Marc and I wanted to have dinner tonight” “Should I drive you?” Ben asked. “I don’t know….I don’t want him to know that….” ”We spent the day together?” Ben laughed. I nodded. “Don’t worry about that” he told me and we got into the car.

When Ben and I arrived at the restaurant Marc was looking at us with a weird and questioning face. “Where were you?” “Um, we were just in this theme park and Ben drove me here….sorry I forgot that…” ”Whatever, let’s get in. And please mate, join us” Marc told us and clapped his buddy on the shoulder.

I noticed that Marc was watching Ben and me and I guess it was obvious that we both behaved a bit weird. One hour ago we were still sitting at this bench kissing and now we pretended that nothing happened. “How’s your steak?” Marc asked me. “Excellent!” I answered him. He didn’t look convinced. “So tomorrow we have to leave the airbnb at 10am to get to the airport. We’ll arrive in Hawaii at night.” “Oh okay….and you booked another airbnb right?” I asked Marc. He was looking at Ben who seemed very nervous in front of Marc. It was quite funny to watch – if I wouldn’t feel the same because it was so obvious that something happened between Ben and me. But Marc didn’t say anything. “Yes” he answered to my question. “We have an airbnb in Honolulu” he said without stopping to look at Ben. “Does anyone want to have a desert?” my brother asked. Ben and I shook our heads. “Good, I’m going home now because I’m very tired. Eileen, do you want to come with me or do you stay here with Ben?” Wow, why did my brother always ask the most embarrassing and difficult questions? I didn’t know how to answer because I didn’t know if it was a rhetorical question or not. Maybe he already realized what happened between Ben and me and he wanted to see my reaction to his question? But Marc’s phone rang and he left. “Whatever, I’m leaving, Ben you take her home safety, okay?” my brother told his mate.

“Wow, that was super weird” I said to Ben when Marc has left. “It was” he agreed with me. We paid the bill and went to the beach. I wanted to spent my last night here in Australia at the beach. Ben and I were very chill about the whole situation now. We both agreed that it was just a nice day and a few kisses that happened – nothing more. “Wow, I can’t believe that I will sit at another beach in 24 hours but then in Hawaii” “I can’t believe it either” Ben said. We were sitting in the sand that got colder in the evening. “Why do you have to leave?” He asked me. “Because that’s my trip. I planned it” “Why don’t you stay for a little while? We can do a trip in the outback” he suggested. “Well, I already did it with my brother last week” “I know” he seemed a bit sad. But suddenly he started tickling me. “Oh no Ben, please stop” I laughed. “No” he grinned. He kept doing it until I laid down in the sand. When Ben was laying on top of me we looked into each others eyes. It felt like an eternity for while. Like no one else was here. Maybe there weren’t any people here at the beach at night but….

We kissed again but this time it was more passionate and even a bit wild. When I rolled on top I realized how annoying the sand was. “Can we please go to a place without sand?” I asked laughing and knocked off the sand from my clothes. “We can” Ben grinned and we went to his car.

Back in his car we kept kissing before he started driving it to his apartment. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I didn’t know why but I wanted this. I wanted it so badly. When we were finally in his apartment everything happened very fast. We kept kissing and took off our clothes on our way to his bedroom.

I felt his kisses everywhere and I just wanted to move on. I always kept in my mind that I had to get up early to catch the flight. Seemed like Ben noticed my worries. “Stop thinking, okay?” he told me and then kissed me very emotional. Wow, I never experienced such an emotional kiss. And I wasn’t even in love! It didn’t feel like making love but it definitely felt good. Ben wasn’t a stranger I just met. He was a friend from Marc and I already knew him before. I think I still didn’t want to hook up with strangers again after this night in New Orleans a few years ago. “I can’t believe I slept with my friend’s sister” Ben started to laugh when we were lying in his bed. “Don’t say it out loud” I warned him. “Sorry….but it’s just a weird story. I mean, I came here to forget my ex. And now I ended up in bed with you….crazy story” “That’s right….” I said. “But I really liked it….I hope you did enjoy it too!” “Oh I did” “I heard it” he grinned. “Sorry” “It’s okay….I’m a stranger here. My neighbors don’t know me” “Good” “But….you don’t tell Marc, do you?” “I wont” I promised. “It would be very weird” “Oh yes it would” “I don’t want to sleep now” I told him. “Why?” “Because then I can’t look into these perfect blue eyes” “Oh stop being so flattering” he grinned. “Sorry, just the truth!” I let him know. “I can be very flattering and cheesy too” “Really?” “Yes!” “Tell me!” “I once wrote a song that started with ‘They’re making babies, we’re making love’. What do you say now?” “Okay….that sounds VERY cheesy” I laughed. “Did you write it for your ex?” “Yes…when we were still dating” “Hm….” I didn’t know what to say. “Are you over it?” “Not yet….please don’t think I just used you to forget her. I didn’t. I really like you and thought you’re cute….I liked this night we have but…” ”Everything stays in Down Under, I understand” I responded. “I think the same. It was a great night but I have to sleep now because I have to catch a flight to Hawaii tomorrow” “Please don’t mention Hawaii that often” Ben rolled his eyes. I boxed him into his stomach and laughed. “I have to sleep now so goodnight German dude” “Nightynight” he grinned and kissed me one last time.

I woke up at 7am. Ben drove me back to my apartment. We shared one last kiss until I wanted to left his car. But he pulled me back. “Just one selfie okay?” he asked me. “Um, okay why not” “I want to collect my memories from….” ”….from all the one night stands you have here” I joked. “No” he looked at me with a serious face. “I just want to collect memories from my holiday here and you’re one of them” “Oh…..don’t be cheesy” “sorry” So he took the picture and then we shared the very last kiss until I left his car. I waved back at him until I opened the door and disappaeard in the house.

When I opened the door of the apartment – I really tried to be carefully and quiet – Marc was standing in the kitchen looking at me as if I would be an alien. “Don’t tell me you hook up with Ben” were the first words he asked me. Wow. He was super mad at me I guess. “Um, why?” “Because I know you did….you didn’t come home last night. You spent your whole day with him yesterday….Eileen, why?” “Why not? I’m 34 years old. He’s 35 years old. I guess we’re old enough, don’t you think?” “Yes but….he’s my friend!” “Well, you two didn’t see each other in years!” “Yes but…he’s still a friend of mine and I find it weird to know that one of my friends fucked my little sister the whole night” “MARC!” I stopped him. I didn’t want to hear his words. “It’s just the truth. I don’t want to imagine what you two did last night!” “Then just stop caring about it. We just had fun, that’s it” “He’s a hooker” “Marc, honestly stop talking like that about a friend of yours. Ben is a nice guy and he actually traveled to Australia to forget about his ex with whom he even was engaged but who cheated on him. So who’s the hooker, hm?” “Eileen, I just want to take care of you. I don’t want you to get hurt” “Marc, honestly, I’m old enough to know what’s good for me and when I want to have fun with a friend of yours, I’m going to do it, okay? Stop acting like I’m still 18!” I told him in an angry voice. “Then stop messing around with guys like him” “He’s a cool and nice guy okay?” “Whatever” Marc shook his head and went back to his room to pack his bag. I did the same. We didn’t talk with each other until landing in Hawaii.

June 4th

Hello from HAWAII! What a great greeting haha. I always wanted to do it. I never thought I would visit this beautiful US State. I LOVE the landscape, the nature, the beaches, the ocean….I just love Hawaii. I think I never want to leave it. But I have to.

We’re here for one week now and we only have three days left. Since it was a very spontaneous decision to travel to Hawaii and we got very cheap flight tickets we decided to do it. Marc always wanted to go to Hawaii some day. When he was a little kid he always asked our parents when we will go to Hawaii for the holidays. But my parents always had to disappoint him because our family never traveled to Hawaii.

But 38 years later he finally arrived here. Marc surfed and just enjoyed the ocean and the beach while I was sunbathing and eating as many coco nuts as I could. Oh I love it! Hey mom, we’re having the best time of our lives! Hope you’re all fine!

After a being in a bad mood during our flight to Hawaii where Marc and I didn’t talk with each other – I won’t mention the reason, I just tell you that Marc is a little diva sometimes – we finally get along very well again. We visited some vulcanos, many beaches, looked at palm trees, did a boat trip and I watched Marc surfing. We’re still looking for the best burger restaurant in Honolulu – we’re having three days left to find it!

So, stay safe. I will write again when we’re landed in Brazil!

ByeBye Eileen

June 10th

Wow, I’m so tired. I think I’ve never been so tired in my life. After 21 hours of flying we finally landed in Lima, Peru. Originally we wanted to fly to Argentina but the tickets were too expensive. So we decided to fly to Peru. We were staying here for two days until we went to a journey to Machu Picchu. IT WAS THE BEST IDEA I EVER HAD ON THIS JOURNEY! Okay, I think I already mentioned it. But it was definitely the best idea I ever had on this journey. How could I travel to South America but don’t think about visiting Machu Picchu? It was such a great experience. You feel like in a total parallel universe when you arrive there. The nature is just wonderful. I can’t find words to describe it!

It was pure nature and I never felt so free in my life.

We’re about to catch a flight to Rio in a few hours. I don’t want to. I’m still jet lagged from the flight to Peru but well…that’s the negative side of the journey, right?

So I’m writing you again when we’re landed safety in Brazil.

Happy Birthday Mom!!!! Best wishes from Marc and Me!

ByeBye Eileen

June 25th

Today I’m writing directly from the beach. But not any beach, no, I’m actually sitting under a sunshade at the COPACABANA! Yes, you read it right. I’m at the Copacabana right now. Marc and I arrived here a few days ago. We already visited the statue of Christ, the Copacabana and Ipanema, the Nationalpark Tijuca in the rain forest. We also went to Santa Teresa, the sugar leaf (yes I overcame my fear of heights!) and we watched boys playing football in the streets. We even went to the Carragas Islands and I think I never saw such a wonderful ocean.

I had a lot of cocktails – of course Caipirihna! - and ate so much tasty food! I love Brazil! I went to a lot of museums and even drove into places and districts that aren’t that touristic. But Mom, don’t be afraid. I met so many nice people. If you would leave LA then you would notice that the world isn’t a scary and unsafe place. Actually, it is a wonderful place. I think I never felt so good and relaxed than here in Brazil.

We’re already staying here for ten days and we have two days ahead. But then Marc and I have to say goodbye to each other because my brother has to go back to LA. After six weeks of travelling with him I will definitely miss it to see his snoring face every morning and watch him surfing. I will miss his strong will to find the best burger restaurant in every city we’re staying (we already found it here haha). Marc, thank you for joining me and sorry that I can be such a spoiled brat sometimes.

I will miss you!

Sorry readers for getting a little bit emotional here….but I had to.

My next destination will be Venezuela. I will leave Rio in three days and will stay there for ten days. Afterwards I will travel to Mexico and then back to California.

I’m excited and looking forward to another six weeks of travelling. This time I’m totally on my own and it will be the longest time ever that I will be travelling alone. I’m excited!

If you’re in Venezuela or Mexico or so….don’t be afraid to join me haha.

I will update again after arriving in Caracas, Venezuela!

ByeBye Eileen

July 14th

Sorry that I haven’t updated yet but I needed some time offline. I explored so many great places during the past two weeks. I decided to travel through Venezuela for a little bit longer because it’s such a beautiful country!

I visited the National Park Canaima and watched the tallest waterfall in the world! Can you believe it? Wow, I was so impressed by it! I can’t find words to describe it. I hope my pictures can show you how impressing this waterfall is! You should definitely visit it one day. And did you know that it was the inspiration for “Avatar”? I still never watched this movie but I was told that it was the inspiration for it. So obviously even James Cameron visited this beautiful piece of earth.

Do you remember I mentioned that I loved the Copacabana? Well, sorry Brazil….but I think you lost your pole position to Los Roques! It’s an archipelagic Island 170 kilometers away from Caracas. It’s in the middle of the Caribbean sea and I just fell in love with it! Wow….I didn’t know that such beauty exists in the world. I stayed there for a while and just enjoyed it.

Being on my own wasn’t very lame or boring. It was quite the contrary! I was always busy because I noticed that I’m a traveler who needs action. I always want to see something, go to a special place….I think I already mentioned it before. So I was very busy in Venezuela but I also enjoyed the silence here.

After enjoying the silence I needed some action again….so I went to Mérida to drive with the highest and second longest cable car in the world!

Did I ever mention that I’m afraid of heights? Well, I did. But I wanted to visit it so badly. So I just forgot about my fear and just did it. You know, sometimes you should just do it!

So I did and although I was a bit shaking when arriving on top of it, I could enjoy the view. Wow. Thank you for this beauty, mother nature.

My last destination in Venezuela was Caracas. I heard a lot about this city and I really did take care. I went to the Galería de Arte Nacional and found the best burger restaurant again. Marc, honestly, this was the second best burger on my journey!

I’m now in my hotel room packing my bag. I will leave Caracas tomorrow morning. I’m excited and happy. Venezuela was the first country I totally visited on my own. I don’t want to say that travelling on my own was better but I experienced so much and I appreciated everything a little bit more. I’m just happy that I’m able to do this journey.

So, goodbye for now. I will update again when I’m in Mexico.

ByeBye Eileen

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It was 8am in the morning and it was my third day in Mexico. Yesterday I visited the Teotihuacán Pyramid. It was impressing! I made a lot of pictures but it also was the first day on my journey that I didn’t feel like doing anything. I only went to the pyramid because I didn’t want to spent the whole day in my hotel room. I guess for the first time on my journey I felt totally alone and lonely.

After going back to my hotel I went to have dinner in the evening. I didn’t really enjoy it. I didn’t really enjoy anything here.

July 20th

I just want to give you a short update. I’m still alive and I’m in Mexico right now. I didn’t have a good start here. Mexico City isn’t my thing so I decided to check out of my hotel room and took a prior flight to Tulum as planned. I visited the Maya ruins and just enjoyed my day there. The weather was better, the fresh air was way better than in Mexico City and I just felt better here. Of course I went to the beach as well.

But although I did have a good time here I didn’t feel well.

Maybe that’s something everyone is experiencing on a longer joroueny. I don’t know. I just wanted to let you know, that I’m fine. I will do a longer update when I’m in a better mood.

ByeBye Eileen

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After dinner I went back to the beach and just sat down in the sand. I watched the ocean and thought about my whole journey and about my whole life.

Now I was almost 35 and I quit my job. I probably have a doctor’s degree but what does it mean? I have to find a job when I’m back home. Again. My whole life was made of job hunting. For almost ten years now. I was so sick of it. I finally wanted to find a job I could stay in. But maybe that was the problem of my generation. I knew that I wouldn’t stay in my first job my whole life just like my parents did – if they wouldn’t have moved to the States. But even then they found a job and never changed it. Now my both parents were pensioners and they loved it. But what about me? Only three weeks to go and then I would be back home in LA. Of course, I missed my home. I lived in Berlin for three years and only visited LA a couple of times during that time. I missed my parents, my friends, everyone who lived there whom I loved.

And suddenly I thought of Josh. It was the first time during my journey that I was thinking of him. Mostly I was thinking of Sebastian but right now there was Josh on my mind. I wondered what he was doing now. If he was still with Helen and if he was happy with her? I didn’t hear from him in a while. We didn’t really stay in contact. Especially after this confusing situation in New York in February it would feel weird to text or even to call him. I don’t know if I really broke up with Sebastian because I thought about Josh too much. Maybe. I think only my heart knows the answer but it didn’t tell me yet. I had to figure it out. Fact was that I was wondering what he was doing now. Maybe they were on tour again, I didn’t know. Maybe he was on vacation with Helen and her daughter. I still couldn’t believe that he really moved in with them. It was so not Josh. It wasn’t him. He must really love Helen if he moved in with her so early in the relationship. Maybe he found his love? But what about me….did I lost my love? But which of my two big loves? Both?

Suddenly there was a thought in my mind I couldn’t stop thinking about. What if….what if he and Helen were having a baby soon? I mean, she already had a daughter. I bet she was ready to start a family with him. And he was 40 years old….he should be ready. Right? I noticed a weird feeling down in my stomach. It felt totally unreal to think about Josh being a father. A real father. Not just a step father. I imagined how he would hold the newborn baby in his hands and….I had to puke.

I felt a bit embarrassed and checked if someone saw it. I wasn’t alone at the beach. Here were many tourists and especially couples in love who were watching the sunrise. But I guess no one noticed it.’ But why did I react like that while thinking about Josh becoming a father? I didn’t know.

What I knew was that I felt so sad suddenly. I felt like someone pulled out my heart and smashed it into pieces. But why did I felt like this? Why did I feel so alone and lonely? And then I knew.

I missed my baby.

I missed this unborn child who would have turn four in November. The tears were streaming down my face. I cried and cried and even screamed. It was the first time ever that I really realized that I lost my baby. Since the accident happened and the doctors told me, I never really thought about it. I just accepted it. While Josh was suffering so much I was just done with it and moved on. I was totally unemotional about it. But now that I was sitting at a Mexican beach totally on my own I realized what I really lost. I lost my baby. And I had to travel around the world to realize it. I only spent eleven weeks with it. And it wasn’t even born. What a tragedy. Mother nature, why are you so cruel? You can make such beautiful landscapes and wonders but….why are you so cruel to some people in the world? What did we do to you?

I wondered if Josh was over it. It was four years ago….he should be over it. If he ever wondered what our child would have been like? If it would have been a boy or a girl? It would attend the school in two years….I could be a mother of an almost four year old child now. And Josh would be the father. Even if we would have broken up in the meantime we would still be connected through our child. Forever. But now I was sitting here alone in Mexico, wondering about my life while Josh was probably happy with another woman.

The question was….did I even want to share my life again with Josh? Or maybe with Sebastian? I thought about him as well. I loved him. And I missed him throughout my whole journey. I didn’t want to tell myself that I was missing Sebastian so badly but the truth was – I did. I thought about him more than about Josh.

And now there was this question on my mind: Can you really have two loves of your life? And can you really lose both of them?

I had the feeling that I had to do something. I had to change my situation right now. I thought about calling Josh. But I was afraid. What if he was still with Helen? There was no sign that they broke up. Molly didn’t tell me anything because I told her before my journey that she shouldn’t tell me about Josh. I wanted to forget him. Maybe there were news, who knew. But I felt bad for asking her because her mother was sick again and I didn’t want to annoy my friend with such a stupid question. So I thought about calling Josh. I mean, why not? I shouldn’t care, right? I just wanted to know how he was doing. Maybe we would have a nice talk and then I would hang up and go back to my hotel room. And that’s it. I was nervous when I called his number and the seconds until he picked up the phone felt like an eternity. But it wasn’t him that picked up the phone. There was a girl speaking. “Hello?” she was asking. I was shocked. First I thought that it could have been a new girl he hooked up with but it wasn’t. “Hello, here’s Emma. Josh is showering. Should I tell him something? Who is there?” she said.

And I hung up.

Emma was picking up his phone. Emma, the daughter of his girlfriend Helen. So I assumed that he was still living with Helen and Emma. I mean, why should Emma pick up the phone if Josh and Helen would have broken up? It didn’t make sense.

So I called Sebastian.

______

August 12th

WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA!

I can’t believe I did it! I’m back home now! We just arrived in LA! On my last weeks Sebastian joined me and we had the craziest road trip I ever did! We drove from Mexico to California.

First we stopped in San Diego to do a short stop at the Comic Con - you know, Sebastian is a huuuuuge comic fan. While I’m only knowing about this Comic Con because I adored Seth Cohen from The O.C. so much. I’ve never seen so many crazy covered people on the streets. No matter where you go, there is always a Spiderman or Joker. Whatever.

After spending a few days in San Diego we drove Newport Beach! The home of The O.C. The TV show obviously chased us. I love the beaches in Newport Beach! We spent most of the time at the beach, had cocktails and even found another great burger restaurant.

I definitely have to go back to Newport Beach some day! It’s not that far away from LA, right? So after spending a few chilling days at the beach we drove to San Bernardino to drive back home and make a short trip on the Route 66!

Freedom. I just felt free.

So after three weeks of road tripping we finally saw a sign. The LA sign at the streets.

Welcome back home.

I even cried a bit after seeing it.

I’m finally back home. After living in Berlin for three years and travelling the world for four more months.

Hello back California, my old friend <3

Hello again, LA, City of Angels.

THE END OF MY JOURNEY

______

“I can’t believe we’re finally in LA!” Sebastian said after pointing at the big sign in front of us that said “Welcome to the City of Los Angeles”. I felt home. I couldn’t believe it. After almost four years of living abroad and four months of travelling the world afterwards I came finally home. I started to cry. “Such an emotional moment, hm?” Sebastian asked me. I was so glad that he was driving because I wouldn’t be in the mood for it. “Yes” I sobbed.

After I called Sebastian three weeks ago we talked for hours and hours on the phone. We both realized that we missed each other so much. He decided to come to Mexico. I was totally overwhelmed by his decision but I also felt happy to know that I would see him again very soon. Two days later he landed and after one day in Mexico City we rent a car and did a road trip through Mexico and California.

We traveled as friends. Nothing happened. We had many long talks at night, watched the sunrise and the sunset and had breakfast at the beach. We stopped at very lonely places and realized the beauty of these places.

I didn’t know if I was still loving Sebastian. But right now I was happy that he was here with me.

We knocked at my parents house and of course my mom started to cry when she saw me. They didn’t expect me to come because I didn’t tell them. I wanted it to be a surprise. We hugged for such a long time and afterwards my mom cooked her perfect Bolognese and I told them everything about my journey. Of course they were both surprised that I wasn’t alone and that Sebastian was with me because they thought it was over. But I guess they noticed that we were only here as friends.

Later that night – Sebastian already fell asleep in the guest room – my mother and I shared a bottle of wine. “Eileen, I’m so happy that you’re back in LA. I hope that this time you stay.” She said. “I hope so too. I mean, I want to. I figured out on my journey that I don’t want to live that far away anymore. At least not abroad” “Didn’t you say your former boss has a job for you?” “Hm….yes, but I don’t know this is what I want to do.” “Teaching? At university? I thought you love it? You did your PhD!” “I know….I did. But you know, this life as a teacher at university isn’t easy. You have to publish every once in a while because otherwise you lost your job. I don’t know if I can stand the pressure. I don’t want to….to be honest. I’m 34, I just want to have a job and enjoy my life. Without pressure. Maybe I try to find a job as a writer and journalist. I mean, I already worked for newspapers before moving to Berlin a few years ago. I love writing. When I was writing for my blogpost I realized how much I love writing” “Hm….but isn’t this business a shark tank?” “Mom” I rolled my eyes. “It’s a normal business” “But it isn’t easy” “It isn’t easy to be a teacher as well. At least not at a university” “Hm….sweetheart, why do you always choose the difficult way?” “I don’t know….I think I like it” I laughed. “Speaking of life decisions….what about Sebastian? Did you get back together?” “No” I answered directly. “We didn’t. He just accompanied me. He flew to Mexico and we talked for a long time. I told him that I have to figure it out where I want to live but it won’t be Berlin. He won’t move to LA. So it’s a difficult situation” “Hm…but do you still love him?” “I don’t know” I sighed. “Maybe…..” then I said a few words my mom didn’t want to hear. “In the last weeks I even started thinking of Josh” “Oh no honey” my mom responded. “I thought the Josh chapter is closed?” “Yes it is….I just started thinking of him. I mean, he has a girlfriend….” ”Oh no he hasn’t” my mom suddenly said. Wait. What? How did my mother know?

“He hasn’t?” I checked to see that she definitely told me these information and she didn’t make a joke. “Yes, he’s single. Marc told me. He met him last week in Malibu where Marc went surfing.” “What did Josh do in Malibu? He hates surfing” “I think he visited a friend” “Hm….and he told Marc that he’s single? Why do guys talk about it?” “I don’t know….I think Marc just asked if he’s in Malibu with his girlfriend….whats her name? Helena?” “Helen” “Yes, and Josh replied that they broke up and he’s just visiting a friend” “Wow….okay” “You didn’t know it?” my mother was surprised. “You’re the queen of gossip and social media stalking!” “Yes but….I traveled the world during the last months and didn’t have much Wifi. And to be honest, I didn’t want to waste my time with stalking my ex on Facebook” “That’s my girl” my mom laughed. “Oh but I just read an interview with him where he is speaking very openly about the new Dot Hacker record. It was very interesting” “Who is now the stalker?” I laughed. “You know I like his music but I didn’t get along with Josh very well” “Whatever….if he’s single or not. I don’t care anymore….I don’t want to” “He’s a musician. Why not choosing someone you can trust?” “Sebastian is also a musician. And I trusted both of them” “Yes but Sebastian isn’t playing in such a huge band….maybe there aren’t opportunities” “Mom” I laughed. “Do you know how many teenage fans Sebastian’s band has in Germany?” “Okay, okay…..” she sighed. “Why do you always have to fall for musicians?” “Maybe it’s in my genes” I looked at her. I knew that before meeting my father my mom dated a semi famous rockstar from Germany. I don’t know his name but he’s originally from Bulgaria but became very famous with singing romantic songs in German in the 1970s. “Whatever, you’ll find your way” my mother was sure. “And I’m sure that some day I’m going to be a grandma again” “Who knows….” I said.

Later that night when I was lying in my bed I wanted to resist but couldn’t. I opened my notebook and searched for the interview my mom was stalking about. It was from August. So very recent. Just two weeks ago.

Josh is talking to LA radio reporter about the past Chili Peppers tour and his new record he did with Dot Hacker. I wondered when he had time for doing that. But he obviously had. The reporter asked him very detailed about some of the songs and Josh is giving an answer that shocked me in a way.

LA RADIO: So let’s talk about the new Dot Hacker record. There are a few songs on it that are very heavy. Not very typical for Dot Hacker. How did these songs come together? Josh: “Well, I had these riffs in my mind and I played them every time I was jamming on my own in my music room. I wanted to bring them on a record. When I played them for the first time in our rehearsal room the fellows reacted very positive and they really liked the song. So we recorded the first one and the other two followed. I like the idea that we changed our sound a little bit”

LA RADIO: You’re almost screaming a whole song long Josh (laughs): “I know. I hope no one hates me for doing it. But I just had the feeling I had to. There were a couple of things happening in my life and I just wanted to scream it out”

LA RADIO: What happened? Josh: “Let’s say, I did a couple of bad decisions in life. I messed around for a while and I’m not proud of it. But I guess that’s something that comes over you if you’re in the business for too long. I needed a break and I’m honestly very happy that the Chilis are on a break now. I know the fans are a bit mad about it but we all need a break after this tour. We’re not the youngest anymore. Even I’m not. So I’m happy that I can play music with the Dots now….it gives me a fresh mind”

LA RADIO: Is it a very personal album? Josh: “Hm….maybe. I don’t know. I think I often write very cryptic lyrics so no one really knows what I want to say with it but I do. And maybe the other people that I’m singing about”

LA RADIO: So you’re singing about a woman? If I take a deeper look into the lyrics it seems like that…. Josh: “Maybe. I don’t want to talk about every story behind the lyrics but….maybe. I thought about life very often during the making of the record. I thought about my life, about the lives of other people, people I love. I thought about our current situation in the world. Maybe we changed our lyrics because we’re all having family now….at least almost every one in the band. You start to see the world and your life from a different perspective if you have to take care of a child”

LA RADIO: I heard your drummer Eric Gardner wrote a song about his daughter? Josh: “Yes and it’s the cutest thing in the world! I love his lyrics. I want to feel them some day….actually, when we were recording the song Eric showed us a noise his daughter made he had recorded on his phone and we thought that it fitted perfectly into the ending of the song. So we included it. So she’s named in the credits on a record at the age of two (laughs)”

LA RADIO: But there is one song that isn’t that happy at all. You sing about losing a love. Josh: “Not I’m singing….the lyrical Me is singing (laughs)”

LA RADIO: Whatever….this song let me start thinking about love in general. In the song you sing that “All hope is over”. Are you really that negative? Josh: “No….at least I don’t want to. But at a certain age you experienced a lot in life. You learned a lot about love, feelings and all this shit. I don’t want to say that I lost my hope in it. I was just thinking about it. Sometimes you sit in your room and just question your life and yourself and you wonder where you’ve been when you lost the love of your life and why you didn’t fight for it. I think this is what the song is about”

After our interview was done, Josh’s phone was ringing. It was the third time that it was ringing during our interview. But he always rejected the call. Now he picked up. It was his daughter Emma. She asked him if she can go to a Taylor Swift concert. Josh laughed after hanging up the phone. “Girls” he commented smiling. But I’m sure he already bought a ticket for his daughter and him. That’s what fathers do.

Wow. So this was very emotional and disturbing to read. I had so many questions on my mind when I read this. I definitely had to listen to the new Dot Hacker record. But at the same time I was totally afraid of doing it. It would be released in a week so I was definitely looking forward to it. Now I was curious what Josh was talking about.

The next question was: why the hell did the reporter write that Emma is Josh’s daughter? It’s totally wrong and…..ugh. Why is he even referring to her as his daughter? Whatever. Why did I even care?

I shouldn’t have read this interview. It just confused me. Sebastian was sleeping next to my room. He would probably wake up tomorrow morning, looking forward to a new day in LA with me while I was lying here thinking about my ex. Oh well, being a thirty something was even more complicated than being a twenty something….

________

BTW I wrote something about Josh on my blog....if you want to read it click here: https://order-disorder-blog.tumblr.com/post/165523840686/lets-talk-about-josh-klinghoffer

_________

“We live on a blue planet That circles around a ball of fire Next to a moon that moves the sea And you don’t believe in miracles?”

(Translation of the chorus of Marteria - Welt der Wunder)

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