#HTUAB

[fiella]

drarry, drunk edition

“You’re lucky I’m drunk,” Harry said, gaze fixed somewhere around Draco’s mouth. “If I were sober, I’d be embarrassed by how fucking pretty I think you are.”

That earned him a visible pause. Draco’s brow twitched upward like he wasn’t sure if he’d heard right—or if he wanted to. He was staring at Harry like he was trying not to. He looked like he was just handed a puzzle box and a blindfold, and didn’t know where to begin.

His mouth parted. He blinked once. And—were his ears pink? Were they? Or was it the candlelight playing tricks on Harry’s thoroughly overcooked brain? No, no, his ears were pink.

“Merlin,” Harry muttered under his breath. “Even your ears are stupidly attractive.”

link

[fiella]

black ties, red seats, white lies. harry falls in love. again.

“There’s an event,” Harry said, aiming for casual, though his heart was ringing like a death knell in his throat. “In London. Tonight.”

Draco blinked, just once, slowly.

“Just you and me. Possibly wearing something nice. No need to panic. Just—er—it’s an orchestra.”

“An… orchestra,” Draco repeated flatly.

“Yeah. You know—violins, cellos, possibly an old man flicking his wrist theatrically like he’s summoning spirits. Very serious. Very sophisticated. And—very much your cup of tea, if I’m not wrong to assume that.”

A beat passed. Draco stared down at the book for a long time, as though he was trying to find an excuse written somewhere on the pages. Slowly, his gaze lifted and he arched a brow. “Merlin, Potter. Are you—are you asking me on a bloody date?”

Harry’s brain imploded. “What? No. I mean—yes? I guess? Possibly?” He ran a hand through his hair, which only made it worse. “Fuck. I’m really bad at this.”

“You are aware that you suggesting classical music as a date is, frankly, deeply suspicious?”

“I thought you might like it,” Harry replied, gentle and honest. It was so honest, it hurt. It was so honest, it was a near invocation. Of course, he was not going to elaborate and say: I know you’ll like it because you wrote about Bach in your journal. I know you’ll like it because you used to sketch violins, instead of broken strings.  

Harry shrugged softly like his heart wasn’t already bleeding in his chest, and said, “So, what do you say?"

Draco gnawed on his bottom lip for only a second. “You really want me to come?”

It shouldn’t have sounded so disbelieving, Harry thought.

“Yeah. I really do.”

Stay tuned.

[fiella]

excerpts how to unbreak a boy

Draco looked at him, skeptical and lost. It was so vulnerable, so childlike—something small and quiet and almost frightened—that Harry could feel it ripple through his bones. It wasn’t the face of a grown man, not really. It was the face of a boy who never got to be one. A boy who’d never been taught how to throw a ring for the sake of nothing. Who didn’t know that laughter didn’t always have to be earned.

It reminded Harry, vaguely and horribly, of being small and strange and always wrong. Shut in the dark, holding a broken toy he wasn’t allowed to want in the first place. Of watching from the doorway as Dudley blew out candles, not quite understanding why the cake wasn’t for him. Of being punished for not knowing the rules he was never told.

That look on Draco’s face—it was like seeing his own reflection through time; a boy sitting in a cupboard with a crayon in his hands, terrified someone might see the joy on his face.

[fiella]

“It’s too late.”

“No, it’s not—”

“Yes, it is!” Draco snapped, whipping around. “You can’t—you can’t just give someone a fucking breadcrumb after you’ve starved them for years and expect it to count.”

“Then what would count?” Harry asked, all breathless and fraught. “Tell me, Draco. Spell it out for me. I’ll fucking do it. Do you want me to build you a new world from scratch? Rewrite the last decade? Dig up every grave and beg the ghosts to forgive you? I’ll fucking do it—just tell me what.”

“You can’t fix everything, Potter,” he murmured, and the quietness was worse than shouting. “You can’t charm rot out of a tree once it’s in the roots. You can paint the bark, but it still dies from the inside.”

“I’ll build a greenhouse around you. And keep the bugs from chewing through your leaves.”

Draco made a sound—a laugh or a sob or both. “You don’t get it. I—I’ve got poison in my chest, Harry.”

“Oh, Draco. Then, I’ll drink it too. We’ll choke on it together.”   

ao3 link

[fiella]

malfoy pls open the door I’m cold

“Right.” Harry cleared his throat and pushed past Draco into the room without waiting for an invitation. “That’s enough of that.”

Draco frowned at him. “Potter, what do you think you’re—”

“I’ve, quite frankly, had it up to here,” Harry snapped, whirling on him with wild eyes.

“What are you—”

“Care to explain why you couldn’t open the fucking door two hours ago? Do you even want to know the state of numbness my arse is in right now?” Harry gestured vaguely behind himself with a flare of theatrical indignation. “I’ve become one with the marble, Malfoy. I’m probably fused to the bloody alabaster.”

“Potter—”

“And what, exactly, had you so busy in here anyway?” Harry narrowed his eyes and waved toward the desolate room. “Reorganizing your collection of existential crises? Alphabetizing them, perhaps? Oh wait—don’t tell me you were communing with the ceiling again. Because frankly, he’s a shit conversationalist.”

Draco just blinked at him. His arms folded across his chest in something just shy of defense.

[fiella]

Do you really want to know where I was April 29th?

How to Unbreak a Boy: April 29th, 2000

[fiella]

In the htuab universe i'm so curious: do ron & hermione know where harry is since he kinda fell off the face of the earth to go to the manor? Or is that something he doesn't need to worry about with the whole...Death bargain (which, btw, the way you introduced Death was one of my favorite things i've ever read in literature)

originally, i had written little blurbs that showed harry telling ron and hermione (not about the whole time-travel-death-bargain-suicidal-malfoy situation), but more like: “hey, i’m gonna be working at malfoy manor for a bit. no big deal. renovating trauma sites. you know. normal stuff.”

there were a few scenes of ron reacting in classic ron fashion (deeply distressed but weirdly supportive in a this-is-definitely-a-curse kind of way) and hermione being suspiciously quiet because she already knew. like, she watched harry talk about “malfoy” in that specific tone and she clocked it immediately.

BUT. when i started properly editing and uploading this fic, i ended up cutting those out. not because they weren’t good (they were funny! and soft! and ron got so many points for trying!)—but because in the end, i really wanted this story to be singularly focused. just harry and his mission. i wanted the narrative to feel almost hermetically sealed—like harry disappeared into this house and into this boy and the world shrank down to that single thread of trying to unbreak a malfoy.

(ron and hermione will appear eventually. i miss them too. but for now, they’re letting harry do his extremely unhinged emotional pilgrimage, because they are good friends but not omnipotent.) but yes—somewhere behind the scenes, harry has told them he’s working at the manor. probably deflected every follow-up question.

also, not gonna lie—I’ve become a little bit obsessed with our sassy little Death too. and yes, Death will make another appearance. I won’t say if that’s a good or bad thing. sorry not sorry. (but also sort of sorry.)

[fiella]

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Harry said eventually. “I almost didn’t.” “Why did you?” Draco’s expression didn’t change. He kept his gaze on the ground. “Because… you asked.”

HTUAB

[fiella]

ok i'm sorry but YOUR FIC HAS RUINED ME AND I'M NOT FINE!!!! I HATE IT SOOOO MUCH IDK WHAT TO DO WITH THESE EMOTIONS. YOU SHOULD LITERALLY PUBLISH YOUR OWN BOOKS AND HTUAB, TOO.

PLS TELL ME THAT ONE OF REASONS IN JOURNAL THAT HARRY IS WRITING IN IS GOING TO BE I LOVE YOU!!!

TELL ME THEY TALK ABOUT THE DECISION DRACO IS MAKING(though it seems like it is happening from your last post)

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭I'M NOT OKAYYYYY

OH MY GODDDD THANK YOU I’M CRYING??? DO YOU WANT MY SPLEEN?? MY LUNGS??? TAKE THEM. TAKE EVERYTHING.

there might ???? be a reason that cracked the whole quill in half ??? (its the kind of thing you only say when you think no one will ever read it.)

ALSO YES. they talk about it (without actually talking about it) (emotionally-repressedly) (sort of) (kind of) (so close but not quite) (who knows, we shall see).

thank you for reading this. i'm holding your hand. and naming a star after you. and hugging you. and--

૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡

[fiella]

how your latest update on htuab got me feeling

waiting for the next update in much anticipation

i’m crying at you crying. we are all just sobbing in sync like it’s a sad olympic sport ♡ thank you for FEELING this with me.