#He also doesn't like me and you know what that's fair. Wary of change.

[kakusu-shipping]

I was looking for a WIP I wanted to work on again and found a bunch of Slasher Orphanage (by @echoes-lighthouse) doodles I just?? Never posted??

So here are those I guess. The slasher Orphanage is a Slapstick Comedy to Me <3

[witchhazelevesque]

There's something about the change and progression from Leo's hesitancy to rescue Nico because it would definitely be a trap to his willingness to go back for Calypso and all the ways his death is involved in that journey.

And I don't even mean progression as in Leo's stance on Nico influenced his decision about Calypso- though that could have been a really satisfying way to take that. But they are at the core the same situation: a rescue mission, with vastly different circumstances.

(I don't like romantic ca/eo, but them as friends? Sign me up. That's the only way I can imagine them, and what I mean when I talk about them here.)

The situation sometimes gets boiled down to 'Leo and Jason wanted to leave Nico in the jar', but there's more to it . For one thing, Leo wasn't even able to voice all his thoughts on the matter, because he was interrupted by Hazel, Frank and Jason. That doesn't negate the overall suspicion/wariness Leo has; he brings up two major points: that the giants are using Nico to bait a trap for the rest of them and that Nico hid the camps from one another. But Leo was surprised by Frank and Hazel’s reaction and question about whether Leo meant they should leave Nico. So, it seems in part 'can we trust him?', but also in part something like, 'this is a trap, we should be aware of that and be on the defensive when doing it'.

Leo's actions later also factor into this, though they were mainly for Hazel's benefit. He wanted to use Nemesis's deal to save Nico. And in a way, this decision is more reckless and dangerous than any ways death was involved in going back for Calypso. And in a way, more romantic, which is kind of funny because it could be interpreted for either Hazel or Nico. That aside, this offer was voluntary and unconnected to Leo’s other duties.

But his decision to die was connected to those duties. It wasn’t dependent on Calypso. He didn’t do it for her. Yes, he does think about how he feels his place is with her and not the rest of the seven, but that’s not the only reason. Even without her in the picture, he was going to sacrifice himself. He died because the Fates put a choice in front of him. He died to defeat Gaea, to spare Jason, to save all his friends and the world.

And to avenge his mother.

Yes, his decision to go back to Ogygia without first letting his friends know he’d be okay is not fair to them, but RR was always gonna make it happen this way, which I'll get into in a second. But working with what is here, I do understand Leo's decision. Leo explains this best when he says, "Calypso is a priority”. It’s plausible that they'd want the other to be a little selfish about them / want to be a little selfish about each other. To prioritize them. This could have been something they connected over, and it would have been cathartic for this to have played a larger role. To choose one another.

And maybe that makes more sense if you look at it in a vacuum, without the context of how their interactions were executed and just the overall shape of their intended dynamic in the story: both isolated and alone, brought together by someone else's design, connecting regardless. Someone who never felt chosen wanting to make sure someone he cared for does feel chosen after waiting so long both to be the first choice and to have her freedom.

And that might not be compelling to everyone, but it is small in comparison to the actual major reason I understand Leo’s decision to prioritize Calypso: because it’s about fulfilling the plot, not about characterization.

Which may seem obvious because these books are about fast paced plot, but it matters so much here. I would say RR wrote himself into a corner, but I don't think he actually minded being there.

But it was still a corner.

It parallels Zeus saying that Hera bringing the seven together wove fate in a way that only left so many avenues open.

It was pretty clear by the end that RR did not care about the quality of finishing the quest, since another line of the prophecy, ‘the world must fall’ was built up so much and then the final battle between ‘fire’ and ‘the world’ took six pages.

Six pages.

RR just got it done. 

The choice to have Leo's trip back to Ogygia happen at this moment ultimately is about tying up loose ends of the prophecy. Prophecy has always been made clear by the end of each book in this verse, iirc. Leo's characterization basically turned into just him thinking about Calypso, which is disappointing. But it feels, at least to me, that Leo only left before talking to his friends because it was a lynchpin for those plot requirements of the prophecy, and because RR wanted the situation the other characters ended the series in to be ✨dramatic and mysterious✨

Sort of a benefit, we at least get to see Hazel and Frank deliver the news (one of the few things they got to do in BoO).

It's also strange that Leo set the timer for 24 hours the night before the battle, maybe it was because he couldn't have anticipated Zeus sending them back to New York so fast, maybe he thought the battle with Gaea might last longer. But it was set to resurrect him long after he died and Festus flew him from camp. Leo heard Asclepius say to administer the cure as soon after death as possible. Maybe Leo didn’t know what would happen, but RR did and he set it up this way. If this time detail had stayed the same but Leo didn’t leave for Ogygia right then, I wonder how that would play out. If he hadn't gone, would the others have taken his body off Festus? Would they have been able to find where he’d put the cure? (That’s a bit of a tangent though.)

The details of how it actually worked are never addressed to maintain the ✨mystique✨ around what Leo’s plan actually was. BUT it could have made a big difference in the reception of the end of the novel if something had been explicitly set up earlier, and that’s if Leo would have needed a massive power source to 'break out of reality' so to speak, to kick start his return to Ogygia, since it doesn't exist in the real world. When Percy ended up there, it was during Mt St Helens' erupting and Hera guided his way. Leo's first trip was powered by another goddess.

And what a convenient power source he had in himself, his body turning molten, releasing everything inside himself, this literal gift and burden from the god of fire, in a genuinely once in a lifetime event- because it was so powerful it literally killed him, created an explosion strong enough to vaporize a primordial deity. It would have been a now or never situation, when else was he going to have the power of a force of nature except the one he has inside of himself?

It's one possibility that wasn’t taken.

Maybe if this had been the case and had been explained beforehand, this plot point would have been more palatable.

But then it also could have supported the idea that Leo did die for Calypso. But it didn’t actually happen this way.

However, a driving force that is known for sure is the oath with a final breath line that RR needed to get done.

Having Leo fulfill the oath with his final breath, when he died, was necessary to deliver on everything the story had been promising. It checked off the last item in the central prophecy of the series. Prophecies have been a focal point of each book in all the PJOverse and having the meaning unfold and come to fruition plays a major role, think Rachel literally crash landing into the Battle of Manhattan to tell Percy he wasn’t the hero in the prophecy.

So, with the way HoO and BoO are written, the only piece of the prophecy missing after Leo defeats Gaea is the ‘oath to keep with a final breath’. It didn’t matter if it made sense or not, if it was a good idea or not, if it was in character or not, the oath being kept had to happen in this moment. Leo had to go back for Calypso right then. It was the plot bending the character, not the character driving the plot, which, I mean, isn't too surprising, these books aren't really deep dives into the characters.

Back to the original topic though, Leo was in very different head spaces with different circumstances in these two rescue missions. He had to take into account the safety of the entire crew and the quest when considering Nico, and when he did decide to take a risk, it was one that would only put himself on the line. With Calypso, he knew he was going to die one way or another, that in doing so he would complete the quest, and that he had to keep his oath 'with a final breath', which, again, is a narrative point that needed to be checked off. There were already multiple plot lines that didn't pay off (Frank bringing his family full circle happened off screen within six pages a g a i n Hazel's curse being washed away wasn’t explained satisfactorily, etc.) but this one had top billing, RR couldn't get away with not delivering.

Again, a plot choice, not a characterization one. RR had to write it that way because of the choices he'd already made.

This got very far away from my original thought of valdangelo pining with Nico cycling through some of these thoughts while waiting for Leo to get back to camp. Him thinking "you wouldn't do it for me, but you would for her.”

And if that was the case, then Leo dying- which would have been an extreme version of one of his worries about rescuing Nico- would make more sense as a point of contention between Nico and Leo in ToA. Maybe Nico would logically recognize all the reasons aside from Calypso that Leo sacrificed himself, but he couldn't get his feelings to understand the difference.

[batsplat]

welcome back casey stoner !

https://www.tumblr.com/verdemint/761549873456775168/same-interview-they-asked-him-how-does-he-deal

(link)

asjddkh SEE this is what I'm talking about!! something about those incredibly neurotic ducati champions, eh. in the post linked above, pecco's talking about how he deals with media pressure... which, yeah, pecco and casey really do share a fair bit of competitive dna there - from the insistence that it doesn't affect them whatsoever to how they do in fact get extremely pissy whenever they feel misrepresented by the media. very sensitive to that kind of thing, those two are... but at the same time they're also both their own harshest critics. from casey's autobiography (all quickly nabbed from this post, which ofc expands on casey's perfectionism):

I got a lot of criticism over the years for being honest because I always felt I could do better. Even if I won the race, if I had made mistakes it was important for me to admit them and address them for next time instead of congratulating myself for being the best on that particular day.

and:

Whatever challenges I take on now I am still driven by the same quest to improve - I can’t change who I am. As a personality trait this is both a good thing and a bad thing. I like that part of me but it would be nice to not be like that sometimes, to enjoy something without being obsessed with getting better at it. I am sure you can go through life a lot happier if you don’t analyse everything.

versus pecco:

The strength that I've proved in various situations comes from the fact that I am extremely critical of myself, and so it only takes a little bit for me to put myself down even more.

like yeah I suppose that's one way of looking at it - nobody else can get to you if you're already tearing into yourself. it's a motivational process that's very much built on negativity, right, on the need to live up to their own exacting standards. both pride themselves for their ability to put failures behind them quickly - to be able to immediately bounce back because they tell themselves they only care about doing better in the next race. plus, there's that interesting dynamic where both are like... pretty big on this idea they're not making excuses for themselves, committed to honestly assessing themselves and all that,, BUT also have reputations for being whiny to the press... because people for whatever reason end up thinking they're constantly blaming everything but themselves for their shortcomings. again, very prone to feeling misunderstood!! neither of them are necessarily terrible communicators - but there's a certain reluctance there (obviously more so from casey) to even play that game at all. mix in a learned wariness because they feel like they've been burned before.... that whole pecco episode last year where he said one reason for the increased injury rate is probably because the field is tighter now (which, yes! seems logical!) ,,, and then some unholy combination of clumsy phrasing, media framing and an ungenerous fan response ended up translating that to pecco saying he wanted satellite bikes to be slower again... gave me real casey vibes lol. casey had a fair few of those episodes himself - though at least the news cycle and social media fandom weren't quite as bad back then. in a lot of ways he'd struggle even more nowadays

also,, you do have to mention - they both end up defining themselves against valentino specifically when it comes to their public personas. casey might be the rival and pecco the mentee, but both of them have been clear that they do not desire to be the next valentino rossi. kinda what I said here, right

idk, obviously pecco had a heads-up a little earlier than casey did that sensibly communicating to the media WAS going to be a big part of the job. but there's still a wariness there, an unwillingness to be something they're not, knowing that they'd be miserable trying to match valentino's particular brand of flamboyance... it is key that it is a choice they're making. they just don't want that for themselves, never have. there's only ever so much outreach they're willing to do

also this

“Stoner and Bagnaia are two different riders, but they have the same mental attitude,” Tardozzi told AS. “I think Pecco is still growing. He already took a big leap by winning the championship, but the biggest jump in his head has been done this year, after the two falls in Argentina and Austin. “He is an intelligent boy and has spoken a lot with the team, and what happened has made him take another step to make him even more of a champion. Now he has the right mentality. Pecco will become one of the greats. Right now it is showing that he is growing, as I told you before."

'resilience' is I think a word I associate quite strongly with both of them. they take their fair share of punches, do tend to get called mentally fragile a lot - but in truth there's a steel there that serves them well. did talk a little bit about the similarities of their motivational processes here too:

and

and one other thing I've been thinking about is that this... y'know, use of spite, of self-criticism, of how annoyed they get at others' criticisms - for both of them, it is also paired with a determined refusal to countenance they could be mentally affected by anything. with casey in particular, it's a bit of an overcorrection in response to how often he was described as mentally weak; it's understandable you might get extremely sensitive about the whole thing, if you weren't already. a lot of it is also stubbornness... a bone-deep contrarianism that immediately makes them push back if somebody suggests they might struggle for any reason related to psychology. where this really jumps out is how they talk about their rivals. obviously, nobody is going to say that their opponent's mind games work on them because that'd be deeply stupid to admit - but there is something about pecco's firm insistence marc's mind games don't have a hope of working on him that is really reminiscent of how casey has talked about valentino. it's that dynamic of ,, well, they're not wrong in that they're stronger than people give them credit for, but obviously they are also. like. extremely defensive, past the point of necessarily being reasonable. sometimes, what your rival does will affect you. that's kinda how rivalries work lol. but both of them are very committed to this narrative that their working process is super self-directed. casey's whole thing about how he's never gotten obsessed with rivals, pecco's 'we work in silence' schtick... it comes back round to the relationship with the media, right, where they have a natural inclination towards framing that as an oppositional dynamic - and automatically chafe against any narratives that might be externally imposed on them. actually, you see, rivals don't affect their performance at all, they don't need to constantly slobber to the press to hype up their performances, they'll do their talking on-track... but the unspoken truth there is that all of those things do matter, they are paying a lot of attention - and in the end, 'proving a point' to someone becomes a central part of the motivational process. they hear all the criticisms, they seethe in 'silence' (often involves a fair bit of public complaining but let's allow it), and then they determinedly show how all their critics were fools and losers. rinse and repeat

anyway yeah apparently that's part of the ducati magic - a dash of neuroticism, a heavy dose of self-flagellation, inject a desire for authenticity that might at times read as whiny, stir in the makings of a persecution complex and top it off with a sprinkling of spite. probably not the easiest type of guy to handle, but clearly there's something to the formula. a compelling approach to be sure

[jelzorz]

Not a ship, but I'd love to hear more on how Claudia and Opeli's dynamic works in the snake! Correct me if I'm crazy (I sped through all the chapters and haven't re-read them yet), but I don't think they've had a ton of interaction yet? Or even just less general sisters-in-law headcanons, if you didn't wanna give fic details away!

OH CAKE I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT OPELI AND CLAUDIA AS SISTERS IN LAW! @raayllum and I were talking about it once the concept of them as sister-in-law threw is both for a loop for a second but nevertheless

I actually have a wip in my drafts about how Claudia finds out. She comes back to the castle and is relegated to the castle gardens to tend to their medicinal plants as per her sentence of service and starts to notice... some things. Soren and Opeli are hanging out a lot when she returns, and even though they're not really doing anything (yet), Claudia is also familiar with Soren's tells and starts to wonder if there's something she should know.

She says nothing though. She tells no one. It's Soren's business and she doesn't think Opeli would appreciate being asked. She'll admit she's a little surprised because historically (according to Claudia), Opeli's never liked them, but things have changed and. Well. Okay.

Meanwhile, Opeli is. Cautious. To be fair, she was a little wary of Soren when his allegiances were still ostensibly to Viren, but she learned quickly enough that he wasn't like his dad At All, especially after he got her, Corvus, Barius, and most importantly, Ezran out of Katolis during Viren's coup in season 1. She can extend that same grace towards Claudia on her return, especially because 1) Ezran vouches for her and insists they give her a chance, and 2) Soren wants to keep his relationship with his sister. She isn't Welcoming exactly, but she is less hostile than certain other people for sure.

So for a little while they don't have a lot to do with each other. Claudia is very quietly keeping tabs on the way her brother behaves around Opeli, but so too is Opeli keeping tabs on Claudia's interactions with Ezran. She doesn't approve per se, but she also can't say anything about it because. Well. You know.

Quick recap from the fruit: Rayla is about 20 weeks pregnant when Claudia comes home and goes into labour in the early morning at the end of that summer. She has a bleed shortly after her baby is born, but it's not one the midwives can control with their standard procedures. Normally, women with bleeds like the one Rayla has die, but Claudia is present and knows exactly what to do. The midwives let her in, Ez fetches the appropriate remedy, Rayla comes out of it fine. By this point, Ez and Claudia are a little more than friends but not formally courting, and after they know Rayla's okay, Soren makes it clear that he isn't just hanging around Opeli for fun. Their physical fling starts shortly afterwards.

No one says anything about anything. Opeli and Soren's thing is supposed to be a secret but Claudia's been onto them for ages, and she Knows what's up the moment Soren appears at breakfast looking a bit more cheery than usual. Opeli is still wary about Claudia hanging around Ezran but won't let herself say anything about it because of the thing with Soren. They're not Friends at all, but there's a sense of respect there, and there's enough of it that they don't pry into each other's business more than they need UNTIL

Opeli misses a bleed and starts throwing up. She essentially breaks up with Soren in her panic but won't go to Claudia who 100% has the herbs that she needs because her brother is the reason Opeli needs them at all. Rayla goes in her stead and tries to be vague about it. Claudia admits she already knows what's going on. She hands over the herbs and keeps her lips tightly sealed.

[insert the rest of the fruit here]

They have a proper talk about it after Opeli is released from the infirmary. Fresh starts, you know? The bottom line is that they want one thing from each other, and that is to keep their boys safe. Claudia swears on her life that she would never hurt Ezran. Opeli swears to LJ that she would never hurt Soren. After that, they are considerably warmer to each other and frequently have tea together with Rayla to get breaks from the dumb ass things the boys get up to.

It's a shame BC the snake starts off with Claudia saying some nasty things to Opeli in light of the situation with Viren but in this timeline, they actually get along fine! Opeli's heard worse and she doesn't hold it against Claudia, and ultimately, she's advocating for Viren—which is something she never thought she'd do, but something that Claudia is ultimately grateful for. I won't spoil the snake, but things get better again for them and altogether, they make p good sisters-in-law.

[tadpolesonalgae]

ICBMTHY is sooo good. it gave me a lot of thoughts!

i know it wouldn't make sense for eris to be nice but that was so mean and for absolutely no reason? i hope she kicks his ass more but i also think this friendship would be what she needs to grow a backbone because right now it's painful to watch but the ic clearly isn't helping and azriel is making it worse

also azriel is being so mean too and i know it's for the angst but my dude really interrupted her booty call for no reason and then trapped her into a conversation to call her a burden like i know you've picked up better conversation skills in 500 years. like he's kinda right in saying she is naive (second hand embarrassing inducing so) and doesn't know how things work... then sit her down and explain it to her instead of attacking her, i would have jumped out of his arms and wouldn't even care about what happened to me bc i know he'd blame himself

ALSO her powers seem interesting, she glows?? like starfall?? that sounds fun and it kinda sounds that eris might be the one to help her with those powers at least for now (that line saying the ic would pounce on her powers and do all kinds of things to get them to work is so true though that's one of the things that annoys me the most about them)

anyway this story is seriously so good, i think you might be my favorite writer on tumblr. you genuinely know how to keep a story engaging and still have it make sense instead of just filling it with unnecessary smut to make up for it, even your heavily spicy ones always give something at least in the background. also i like how you play with characters, i think a lot of people write character too ooc but you manage to take the essence of the characters and change them how you need them without losing their true self. like how you write dark az and in this story he's kind of acting like an asshole but you still see bits and pieces of azriel in all of them

Honestly I agree Eris was a little OOC in that swan part—I’m deciding he was stressed from Father Vanserra breathing down his neck and he needed the comedic relief :)

But hey! She ended up actually doing something about it, maybe he will help her grow a little backbone—or rather feel it’s okay to hit back sometimes!

And yeah, poor Bas 😕 He was READY (I can’t promise any more of him though, I’m sorry 😭)

Things kind of escalated way too quickly when they were flying together; I’m putting that down as the whole IC being incredibly wary of Eris because of the Mor incident, and also the Autumn Court isn’t exactly known for being particularly fair or welcoming, so it’s kind of believable Eris would inherit those traits from his father :/

Also I feel like a surprisingly big part of angst (for me at least) is the edge of humiliation? How reader allows herself to be degraded and doesn’t really fight back or protest against it because she doesn’t see it as being wrong, more that it’s expected/deserved? I think most people respond stronger if it’s their dignity that’s being targeted, which helps with the angst because of how low one has to go to deliver a blow like that :)

I’m so excited to write more about her powers and how they manifest!!! Also about who’s going to try to help her, but who’s going to actually succeed in helping her and then how she manages with the new development!!

I suppose with Silver Flames (I know some people have mixed feelings about how the characters were written) they’d just been through a second war (civil war??) where they came so close to loosing so much, and despite how most of the IC has already been through one, I can’t imagine you can become desensitised to something as bloody as open, gratuitous murder to such a massive scale.

Anyway, that was a long-winded way of saying I can see how so many mistakes were made in the aftermath of the devastation of war. It’s not an excuse or a justification but I really don’t think it would be realistic for the characters to come out unscarred from a second war.

That last paragraph is just— thank you

I’m so happy people find those fics to be suitably engaging, and enough to continuously choose to interact with them.

The fact alone that you’ve taken your time to articulate how you feel is so important to recognise for me.

Playing with what certain characters might do while keeping it relatively believable is something I try to do, and it means so much to me that you think I’ve succeeded 🧡

[kris-mage-fics]

So there are some things that have been bothering me about Andromeda Six. For a quite a while I told myself I was overreacting, but the more I think about it the more convinced I'm not.

A lot of those things others have brought up before, and I think they have done a really good job of articulating those issues, so I'm not going to touch on them. (Like how heteronormative the game is.)

What I want to talk about is Bash's story line. Now I'm aware he used to have a drug addiction plot, I wasn't around when that was still a thing. From what I've gathered it took quite a while for that to be changed. While his new story line isn't racist, which is an improvement, I have a lot of issues with it. (My thoughts are under the cut since it's significant spoilers for Episodes 6 and 7.) This will be long! Also, I'm going to be mentioning ableism and chronic pain.

As we know, Bash took the events at the end of Episode 5 pretty hard. He decides that the way he can protect the people he cares about is to get more bionics. Sure, it may not be the best idea to make that choice in such an emotional state, but otherwise there is nothing wrong with it.

Now the game forces the Traveler to be fully against this idea. No option to say "hey, maybe revisit this idea when you aren't so upset to make sure it's what you really want to do." Which would be a totally reasonable response. The reasons we are given for the Traveler to be against it is because A) he can't physically feel anything and B) it will take away who he is and his humanity.

The idea that you can't feel anything with the bionics is fucking wild to me. Like you have such advanced medical tech, yet can't integrate the bionics into the existing nervous system?! How does the bionic work if it's isn't at least partly integrated? How do you know the right amount of pressure to use when lifting a glass verses using bolt cutters? It makes no fucking sense to me that you can't feel anything!

But the big issue here is the idea that it will take away part of who Bash is as a person and his humanity. Which is such a bullshit take! Yes I know other sci-fi and cyberpunk stories have this too, I always think it's terrible. (Originally in cyberpunk the issue with cybernetics wasn't 'loosing your humanity', it was 'having things that are owned by corporations implanted in us is a terrible idea'. In other words, it's a critique of unrestrained capitalism. By showing how allowing companies access to our physical bodies and control over medical issues gives them an absurd amount of power and will result in a lot of cruelty and inequality. Which is actually a really good take and something we should be wary of!)

Who we are as people can't be taken away because a limb is taken away or a cybernetic implant is added. This is an incredibly ableist idea. Are amputees less human or less themselves because of being an amputee? Fuck no! Are people who use prosthetics less themselves or less human? Again, fuck no! Yes, it takes time to adapt to changes in your body, but that doesn't make you less human or completely change who you are as a person. (Maybe comparing cybernetics/bionics to prosthetics isn't fair, but it's the closest we have. And in Bash's case, his bionics were essentially prosthetics at first.)

I don't use prosthetics and I'm not an amputee. I don't use mobility aids even though there are times I really should (now is not the time to go into why). But I have quite a few invisible physical disabilities, and live with a lot of pain 24/7. If I had the chance to exchange my body for a cybernetic one and didn't have to deal with the pain and other shit my body puts me through, I would in a heartbeat! Sure it would take a while to get used to the difference. But I wouldn't stop being human, or lose myself. Actually, I'd be happier because I wouldn't be in a lot of pain every second of my life! (This doesn't mean my current life isn't worth living. Just that it's hard and I'd be happier if it were easier.)

So in conclusion, this is an ableist story line and, in my opinion, part of it doesn't even make sense. The fact that the Traveler is forced to think this way drives me nuts! Also, did anyone else think it was kinda messed up that the Traveler talks to KY-L3 about it and he agrees with their take and agrees to talk to Bash? I feel like that oversteps some boundaries. Edit: I also found this excellent post by Cyrus the Cyborg about how frustrating it is for xem as an amputee to see this trope in cyberpunk and sci fi media.

[bookshelfmonkey]

So I've been having thoughts about Izzy Hands.

But first, a disclaimer: this is meant to be an insight into my thought process. I know that I'm not always the best at examining media from a fully detached, critical perspective (but are any of us, really). I'm taking what I would see as a fairly neutral standpoint, trying to see and understand both sides of the coin. I'm not tagging this as hate, because it isn't intended to be, but if you think I should add any further warnings, please do let me know. Also, if you want to share your opinions, in the comments, tags, reblogs or in messages/asks to me, please do, but any straight-up hate comments (towards other users) will be deleted and I will block you.

Now, a small essay.

Honestly, when I initially watched the show, I didn't like Izzy, and when I came on here and saw people defending his character, I was confused, but y'all have some good points. I might have been somewhat convinced.

Here's the thing: Izzy is not a good character. None of the characters are. They're pirates for christ's sake. They have to be bad/selfish people to survive. Stede is very unique in his generosity towards the crew and, many times, he nearly pays very dearly for that. Obviously Izzy is uneasy with this new guy coming in and assuming half of the control of the ship (also essentially demoting him). Yes, he wants power, but that isn't a trait unique to him, and it's probably not unreasonable given the amount of shit he's probably been through at Ed's side (how many jobs have been "outsourced" to him, I wonder). It's reasonable that he's pissed that he's been overlooked and it's very reasonable that he's wary of Stede, someone who (at least in his outward appearance) represents the British aristocracy, a force that was almost definitely hugely oppressive in his, and many other pirates' lives (you don't become a pirate if you already have all the wealth you need, Stede is very much an outlier in this case).

Secondly, Izzy doesn't necessarily see much (if any) of Stede and Ed's emotional bonding. He doesn't learn (as Ed does) that Stede can be trusted and (given Ed's reckless behaviour), doesn't immediately trust his judgement on Stede and immediately trust him. Not to mention that, to the best of his knowledge, Ed is simply failing to meet the goal that he set (killing Stede) and just seems to be procrastinating the whole thing. You could even go as far as to say that Izzy fundamentally believes that Stede needs to be killed (he is, after all, a rival captain) and is trying to protect Ed from the pain of getting to know him and love him then having to kill him.

There's also the element of Izzy's (potential, I can't remember any solid evidence of this, but my memory is unreliable at best, so please correct me) past relationship with Ed. He potentially still has feelings for Ed and here comes this new guy who, again, represents everything they've worked against, coming in and taking Ed from him, changing him into someone wholly unfamiliar.

But there is another side to this story. I think, definitely as the viewers, we're encouraged to get invested in Ed and Stede's romance from the beginning. We see them grow closer and learn to trust each other and Izzy gets in the way of them achieving this goal. It's natural, as consumers of media, to get frustrated about this and to dislike the "obstacle". We also see how Ed grows and changes as a person, becoming happier and generally more content in his life. To us, it can seem that Izzy is trying to get in the way of this for his own personal gain and, to be fair, there's very little chance that Izzy doesn't know what he's doing to some extent.

And, building on my earlier point about Stede representing the aristocracy, it does not help Izzy's case that he turns to the British navy for help.

Ultimately, everyone on this show is at least a little bit fucked up and morals are completely out of the window. It's all just emotions and shit, so watch your emotions as you respond to media and please don't harass others.

I'm still not too sure why people hold such strong opinions on this, but I guess I did just write multiple paragraphs on it.

Again, please do respond. I want to talk to people.

[veliseraptor]

Hii! How are you? Hope the new year is treating you well

Love your Jiang Cheng/Meng Yao/Xue Yang everything, they are all excellent characters (especially JC my beloved)

Wanted to ask why you don't like Nie Mingjue? (Totally genuine btw, I'm mostly indifferent towards him but I like hiw tou do character analysis and am curious?)

Happy new year and take care :D

oh boy, okay. I waffled for a while about responding to this only because I tend to...avoid wading into things that might get me in trouble, and this feels like something that could get me in trouble, because I'm talking about my (negative) feelings on a relatively popular character and that can provoke some pretty intense responses.

but I don't really want to foster that impulse, at least not all the time, and I try to be fair when I talk about these things, so, hey, might as well. under a cut for anyone who doesn't want to read the following (counts) nine paragraphs of rambling about this subject

first off I feel like I should say that it probably seems like I dislike Nie Mingjue because he comes into conflict with Jin Guangyao, and while that isn't not true, characters being in conflict with each other does not preclude me liking both of them. I mean, I would hope that was obvious.

I think the biggest reason me and Nie Mingjue do not vibe is actually - and this occurred to me as I was writing this response - the same reason that I used to dislike Stannis Baratheon back when I was active in the A Song of Ice and Fire fandom. (Not so much anymore, mostly because now I just find him kind of funny. Sorry, Stannis.) Namely: he's inflexible and utterly convinced of his own rightness/righteousness.

One of my least favorite qualities in a person is self-righteousness, and while that can work for me in a character it very much doesn't here, I think because it comes with that inflexibility. Nie Mingjue's sense of morality and order is rigid with very little room for his judgment being affected by circumstance or external context. To him, those considerations are irrelevant at best and viewed as excuses at worst.

I'm someone who is, meanwhile, allergic to universal statements, particularly universal statements of good/bad, evil/righteous, etc. I don't like them, I'm incredibly wary of them, and while, again, me disliking these things irl doesn't necessarily preclude enjoying them in a character, it is going to be at least somewhat of a barrier. I feel like it would be less of one here, honestly, if I didn't feel like fandom often endorses Nie Mingjue's perspective on this, as opposed to acknowledging it for what I think it is actually in the text; I have more I could say on this but I'm already writing an essay so I'll just note that I think the fact that Nie Mingjue's corpse can't distinguish between Jin Ling and Jin Guangyao is thematically important.

I don't need a character's morality to align with mine to like them, obviously. The greater crime is finding a character frustrating or irritating, and that's what this particular quality of Nie Mingjue's does to me.

"But what about Xiao Xingchen," I can hear somebody saying. "Doesn't he have the same rigid perspective?" Yes, arguably; his also breaks horribly over the duration of the story, and that's the part of his arc that I find compelling! I find Xiao Xingchen most interesting when his initial understanding of the world has been irrevocably changed and he has to reckon with the fact that justice is not as simple as he thought it would be.

I also - and I know how this is going to sound, I feel like - do not vibe with characters who really strongly believe in state-supported violence. I don't care if characters kill people - the more the better! murder all you like, my darlings! - but I do care if they're advocating the death penalty from a position of political power/authority. Which is actually not a distinction I'd necessarily realized was important to me, but apparently it is. As far as my fictional taste goes: personal violence is fine. State violence is not. I'm sure there are exceptions here (there usually are) but it is generally true that the more violence comes from a position of authority/power in the sense of "this is structurally supported by some form of government/systematic structure", the more I'm going to feel badly about it and the less kindly I am going to feel toward the character in question.

Nie Mingjue is very, very invested in state-supported violence and very eager to dole it out on a personal basis. We see it with his almost killing Xue Yang while Xue Yang is on trial; we see it with Jin Guangyao, multiple times. "Well, they were guilty!" Yeah, I know, that's not the point. The line Nie Mingjue draws between legitimate/illegitimate violence doesn't work for me.

There's also some other stuff that's more fandom-related around the fanon characterization Nie Mingjue often gets that frustrates me because of the way I feel like it increasingly departs from the text, which has (as usual) more of an impact on my feelings about the original character than it perhaps should. Probably because I feel like it's such a misreading of the point of his character. Everyone in fandom is extrapolating from the character on the page/screen - lord knows I do it. But I do feel like I have a limit that I hit where that extrapolation feels like it's reading against the text and what the text is saying, and/or making them a "type" built on a generalized mold, and that's where my patience really runs out.

anyway this has all been very wordy and probably unnecessarily harsh but...I think some of it was useful for me in terms of thinking out just why, even beyond fandom-related frustrations, Nie Mingjue was never a character I could care about or like.

[morgana-ren]

Hmmm. This is perhaps an odd scenario to pop into my mind, but bear with me for a moment.

Now when you finally find Halsin in the Worg pens, he's being tormented by two goblin children, who, if you initiate a fight, will run away and summon a few extra guards unless you kill them first. Luckily for my soft heart, there are no consequences for that beyond three more NPCs joining the fight who aren't even very hard to kill lol

So... My mind has jumped to this scenario: we all know Astarion can be very cruel in his practical, survivalist way. Consider... Astarion's surprise when Tav, perhaps a paladin or druid or one of the goodie-two-shoes classes suddenly gets just as vicious as he, stopping him from shooting down the two little goblins and allowing them to escape. Tav almost roars their order to stop at him, as furious as the bear they just freed, and in shock he does, instead shooting down or stabbing one of the adults. They're bristling, savage in their righteous rage, teeth bare and spattered with blood after the fight ends as they snarl that there are lines they will never cross, not even for him. Their heart aches for the suffering he went through at the hands of Cazador and they want to help him achieve peace with it, whatever it takes to do so, but they don't have the luxury that he does of picking up and putting down their conscience. Unfortunately, not every time they cleave to their principles is sure to be as manageable as just a few more goblins poking their nose into a fight.

But they hold their line. No. Child. Murder. Ever. Not even goblin children.

How does Astarion handle a Tav who loves him, wants to help him, even trusts him to bare their heart and turn their back to him... But still challenges him because they remember he's still a monster and they aren't, not yet at least?

Ultimately, I think that's what Astarion needs. Desperately. He needs someone to rein in his darker urges and remind him of the humanity in him-- that he isn't the monster he thinks he is, and that he still has control over himself and doesn't have to fall into the pit of depravity just because he feels he is one.

However, what Astarion needs and what Astarion wants are two totally different things.

It's just raw pragmatism is all. Vampires have changes that happen to them that even they can't control. His desperation shows through when he's willing to feed on Tav despite being in a camp full of warriors that would almost certainly slay him if he was discovered. He needs that blood or he goes feral. He quite literally cannot help himself.

This coupled with his selfish, survivalist nature can be a recipe for disaster. It's only fair that Tav might be wary, because their morals might not align with Astarion's in any given situation, and the darker situations, like the maiming of a child, it might be difficult to know where he stands, so it's easier just to draw the line in the sand before he has a chance to cross it.

He doesn't like it. Astarion likes power. Astarion likes to do what Astarion wants to do without anyone there to question him. Astarion wants full control of his actions and autonomy-- including freedom from the consequences of those choices, regardless of how they might reflect on him.

But that's not love. Love is selfish, yes, but love is also compromise. Love is understanding and caring about your partners needs and feelings, and I think that's genuinely hard for him because it's asking him to give up the one thing he genuinely wants and strives for: Complete and total freedom.

It would take extreme tact and precision, because essentially, if his affection wanes, he has no problem walking away because the sacrifice isn't worth the benefit. He can really like Tav, but realize that he's a vampire that is essentially immortal and he can eventually find someone more suited to his tastes.

But let's assume he doesn't want to. Let's assume he genuinely loves Tav back and is willing to work.

It would still take immense tact. You would basically have to manipulate him and make him think that making the right choices is what he wants. It would have to be framed in such a way that he thinks he came to the conclusion himself. Tav might have to do a mental deep dive and try to figure out why the lines are where they are, because telling Astarion "Because it's the right thing to do" isn't going to fly.

For children, you might be able to frame it as 'They are no threat to you, it's a pointless waste of energy and arrows," or "Focus on the threat at hand. Let them run and focus on the ones that aren't."

I think it's impossible to change Astarion and make him a stereotypical 'good' guy. He is who he is and has centuries of his personality being carved into stone. He will always have to be held in check if there's something truly reprehensible he's aiming for. But you can sort of rewire his brain in a small way so that the truly dreadful things are things he won't consider because he doesn't think he wants to.

He will, essentially, always have to be babysat by a 'good' character, and it is immensely draining, but that's what it is to love a monster.

You cannot change the monster; you can work to tame it, but it will always be a monster. You can love a monster, and it may even love you, but you cannot change its nature.

What makes Astarion a monster isn't that he is a vampire, but that he knows he a vampire. He knows what people expect from him, and he doesn't really give a shit to subvert those expectations. What makes him a monster is his selfishness, and his will do to whatever it takes to be free and live the life he feels was robbed from him. Tav would be asking him to change who he is if they wanted to change that entirely, and that just won't work.

Compromise is the answer. Manipulation and compromise. You'd have to slap a leash on him without him realizing what you've done. And you'd have to make him very happy in the meantime.

[genderqueer-miharu]

Tbh i still think a lot of things are being ignored about kazui. The current interpretation people have of him doesn't necessarily sit right with me because it still kinda makes him look better in conparison to the other characters, and when it comes to milgram i'm wary when people make certain characters look either better than others or worse than others prioritizing a certain interpretation of that character above others. This happened with haruka and mu which is why they're now guilty but it also happens the other way around with yuno, mahiru and kazui, especially yuno who a lot of people keep doing the exact thing she complained about in her first interrogation and through the entirety of her second trial, creating an idealized and accepatable version of her in order to decide wether what she did was wrong or not while ignoring a bunch of things in both her videos, something that she also mentioned to Es during her vd. Like these characters are not irredeemable monsters who deserve to suffer for their actions but they're also not just sweet and kind people who just made mistakes and therefore should be forgiven, and it's not fair to just look at one extreme of their characters and running along with it.

And i'm not even against the current theory of kazui being gay, because i do at least think he liked the bartender guy, but t bothers me that people are focusing so much on this one aspect of his storyline that they end up ignoring a bunch of other things in both his videos or not questioning more of the information we currently have. I don't see many people mention how kazui's wife now has eyes when she didn't in Half but that lady at the bar who did have them doesn't have them now? Cause this didn't happen with Mu's group, even though i was fully expecting them to get clear faces they remained eyeless in It's Not My Fault so why does she have a face now? What about the bar scene in Half and the way it's framed, cause the only times we see kazui, the lady and the bartender together we see them from behind, where we can't see kazui's waistcoat or the woman's face, and also the fact that he and the lady change seats between scenes? Or even stuff like how when kazui talks about fighting kotoko he explicitly mentions that in a situation like that it's usually the bigger person that wins which-

you know.

The worst part (or best dependong on what you think of this) is that i can't even be mad about this. Like i can, and i will but even so this is still part of the project. A big part of Milgram is testing the biases people have and what sort of information and framing of events people are willing to overlook in favor of others. That's what this line in Undercover refers to

"Even with accusations full of faults and mistakes. You will for sure, with a smile for sure, be pleased and satisfied"

[salvagedsouls]

( v. bigger than you & me | turnedwolf!james » battlesthatmatter )

the soldier can tell he's been out longer than usual this time. the mission had gone over expectations by more than a fortnight now, and there's an odd itch under his skin that he can't place. it isn't an allergy, or a reaction of any sort; more like a hyperawareness, as if already highly tuned senses are picking up on something he can't spot himself. an impending sense of danger, maybe? or maybe simply tied to the uncertainty of a mission going outside its bounds and leaving him and his handler to improvise on. strict scheduling made it more difficult, but the original stretch time passed over a week ago; from what he could tell, his handler was completely making it up the longer they're out here. the soldier doesn't question it though, knowing plenty better and what would happen if he pressed. then things do go wrong. the target managed to sneak out of the area ( through an opening the soldier knows he pointed out on day one while being briefed on what needed to be done ) without being spotted, and would not longer be easily accessible until they either returned, or resurfaced elsewhere. if the soldier were to guess, this handler is new because the update leaves them nearly hysteric, barely containing a frantic note as they reassess and mumble to themselves over papers. he isn't invited to come up with a solution, so the soldier keeps watch and listens, trying to ignore the on-going itch increasing in annoyance the longer the mumbling goes and the lower the sun dips in the sky. once the colors of sunset have settled, last bits of purpling changing to blue, the itch turns into something worse. deeper. it takes a lot to make the soldier break posture once he's set, but he's nearly fidgeting ( or as close as the soldier gets to it at least ) as the sensation seems to sink from just under the skin into his bones, and a muscle in his jaw ticks when he clenches his teeth. it's enough movement or enough out of character for his handler to notice, stopping their incessant muttering to watch him, expression puzzled and wary. he'd heard some of the horror stories the others tell each other about him and what he can do, has done, might do, so the reaction seems fair. but he pays it zero mind, too busy trying to fight against whatever this feeling is. ( he has an idea he's maybe felt it before but when? ) he works his jaw to loosen tension enough to finally attempt some explanation, but the words are cut off by a sudden convulsion that brings the soldier to his knees, vision swimming, and he's vaguely aware of being told to get up and report, the click of a radio to communicate to the rest of their team to get here and fast. the soldier is sure if he tries to talk again he'll bite through his tongue, though the tremors shaking through him may also impede any attempts to get up. what was happening to him? had they injected him with something new and not told him? this could be a test, they had done that before. but not unreported, they always wanted feedback. wanted to improve where things may be broken. no, this was…different. it HURTS. the itch turns to a burn, like something infected and then aggravated, but multiplied in effect. unfamiliar words float to the surface ( in english, he notices ) that he recognizes as crude but when he tries to speak one it comes out mauled; less a word and more a growl, and he would swear he can taste panic in the air. he half-turns his head when he catches movement off to his side, and something inside snaps when he sees a needle in the other's hand. he can tell the rest of the team is in the hall, that the handler wants him contained until everything calms down, but suddenly james doesn't care about instruction. what he wants is OUT. the last thing he remembers clearly is lunging with teeth bared, tackling the handler as the others breach the door...

This is a verse specific to @battlesthatmatter and their wolfverse for rogers. bucky ( and therefore james ) are turned by him after being rescued from HYDRA but still presumed dead after a mission gone wrong. the splitting of nature and not being allowed to shift actually made it easier to be controlled, but also broke through protocols more often and required more regular reinforcement between cryo sessions. being a wolf also helped him survive later experimentation run by HYDRA and the Red Room.

[yankpop]

Yandere Sugar Daddy!BTS: You try to break the agreement (Hyung Line)

All copyrights belong to @yankpop (aka me) so do not post/translate my works on any other platforms without my consent/knowledge.

Check more: Masterlist.

WARNINGS: Implicit age gap; stalking; toxic relations; manipulation; money dependency; blackmail; kidnapping.

AN: Let me just say that a sugar daddy/baby relations doesn't necessarly imply sex. Many times it can be only for the companionship and nothing more and that's something that i chose to portrait here. Hope you guys like it💖

-

Jin

You really believe you can leave Jin because suddenly you had a big promotion at your workplace? Really? Cause if so, then you better think twice before doing anything. The only reason you even got such a promotion at work is Jin. He thought you would be happier with an upgrade at work but seems like his kind action was mistaken as a sign for you to leave him. That’s your fault and Jin is gonna make sure you know who’s the boss in this relationship. Just as fast as you got the promotion, you’ll be fired from your job, leaving you speechless at the abrupt change of events.

Too bad for you as it only leaves you with a single solution: going back to Jin. He’d be subtle yet assertive when it comes to letting you know that you can’t leave him on a mere whim. If you agree to come back to Jin, there’s no going back on your word. You’re his for how long he wants you and Jin wants you forever. So, better start preparing the wedding.

“Don’t cry, princess. I know it feels like it’s too much but don’t worry. I’ll always take good care of you. From now on, you’re mine and I'm yours. Now, what type of ring do you prefer?”

Suga

If you think you can survive without him, then you’re less smart than what he assumed. Yoongi is a prudent man and his undying love for you hasn’t altered this trait of his, if anything it has made him extra wary of anything that could separate you from him. Although it pisses him off that you want to get away from, it doesn’t really surprise him as he knew you never wanted to link with him. It was only a business relationship for you.

Having that fact present in his mind, Suga had before handed added a special clause into the contract you both had signed. It contained the small and insignificant detail that if you ever wanted to break free of the agreement then you’d have to refund all the money Yoongi had “invested” in you, which included gifts, the money he gave you, the apartment you were living in, among many others. You were blissfully unaware of such a clause until the day you tried to break the contract, something that didn’t please Yoongi at all.

Before the end of the day you were spammed with multiple calls and warnings from Yoongi’s legal team, informing you about the alarming amount of debt you had towards Yoongi. And of course, never in a million years you could pay off the debt, leaving you no other choice than to return to Yoongi’s embrace.

You always knew Yoongi was a mysterious and tricky man, but you thought he’d do this to you. Yoongi doesn’t care about that as long as he has you back with him.

“I know you can’t pay the money. And yes, I'm also aware that this clause wasn’t present in the contract you signed. But I never said I play fair, did I? Sometimes we have to get our hands dirty to get what we want.”

JHope

After the way you tried to break the relation, Hoseok felt deeply hurt and rejected. Why would you want to end the beautiful connection between the two of you? For him, it was never about the money or a contract, but it was the powerful love and trust that he had on you. You are perfect, in his eyes. And yet you just ended things with him like it never meant anything for you. He gave you his love, his money, his everything, and it still wasn’t enough for you.

Had you left him for someone better? With more money? Or perhaps someone more special? Either way, Hoseok had to find out to so he took plenty of vacation days from his office to concentrate on the most important thing for him: you. He started following you around, wherever you went, so did he. Hoseok would go as far as to have someone hack into your devices to see what you were up to.

Once he realizes it was all because of the idiotic man you called boyfriend, he snapped. Hoseok made sure the man was no longer in the picture, that you were all free to be his. He wouldn’t kill the man, no. Hoseok would have a better purpose for him. He’d only want the guy to be left with serious health damages to the point that you’d literally have to come back to Hoseok in order to pay for your boyfriend’s treatment. To which Hoseok would generously agree, as long as you leave your boyfriend, of course. He needs you to be his and his alone.

And if you really want to save the life of your boyfriend, then you’ll do exactly as he says.

“I can give you the money you need. But what do I get in return? Cause I only want one thing and that’s you, my love. It’s a take it or leave it offer, so decide wisely. No one else is going to help you. No one besides me.”

RM

Just the fact that you tried to leave him, even after all the help he’s given to you, proves Namjoon that you are dumb and helpless, just like the rest of the people.

Does he ask for too much? No. All he asks for is your companion on weekends and during some business trips, for a few dinners and some dates. Heck, he doesn’t even make you sleep with him, even though with the right type of encouragement he knows you would. Then why did he even bother to act like a gentleman? So you can just leave him in the end?

Not gonna happen, not while Namjoon is alive. You may try to erase him out of your life, but Namjoon is meticulous and strategic, and he knows exactly how to bring you back to him.

You’re gonna get evicted from your apartment because of a ridiculous detail that no one - not even the landlord - had noticed before. Which was horrible but not more terrible than no apartment in the city being available to your budget. None of your friends is able to help you, leaving you no option but to ask Namjoon for help, which he’d gracefully give. He’d provide you with one of his multiple real-estate apartments. The best part is that it was rent free in exchange of prolonging your contract with him, which after all might not be such a bad idea, right? I mean, what better than a sugar daddy that is there to help you when you really need it. Isn’t that boyfriend material? Namjoon is gonna try his very best to make you think that.

“Don’t worry, okay? I’ll help you out. You can always count on me, no matter what. I’m always here for you, love.”

-

Tags:

@mwitsmejk

[jweekgoji]

Yandere! Five x Manipulative!Reader pt.4

a little changes for title. maybe the last part where everything is...fine so you better enjoy how this little old man have some sweet moments in his life. <3

pt.1

pt.2

pt.3

pt.5

pt.6

Manipulating Five Hargreeves is definitely not easy.

I mean, this man met The Handler, Reginald Hargreeves and he used some tactics too, so he probably will not fall for this easily.

But Five knows Reginald, it's easy to understand when he manipulates someone, because Reginald is cold, and the unexpected act of affection from him is alarming. On the other hand is The Handler, who uses her power(as his boss) over Five and use his family to make him do anything that she wants.

But you. You're not like Reginald or The Handler. You're not showing affection unexpectedly only when you need something, because your affection towards someone building for years and you need some time to gain trust.

That's why Five doesn't see you as a threat like Reginald or The Handler when you first met each other. He's only wary because he had an experience with Viktor and doesn't want to repeat it in this timeline.

You look simple, good-natured and friendly. Innocent and has a lot of love and care for your family, you don't judge someone by their past or how they look. And Five wonders if that exactly what Hazel saw in Agnes?

“Good morning father.”

“Luther, here's your peanut butter.”

“Lila and you look so cute together, Diego!”

“Hello, Allison-, oh.”

“I'm a good listener, Klaus, so tell me more.”

“Lila, here, eat some salad I made for you.”

“I like your new haircut, Viktor.”

Knock knock.

“Come in.” he sighs, annoying how he can't have even a few minutes for a rest.

You quietly apologies for bothering him and slowly walks into the room.

“Five, how about to take a road trip together?”

You ask, a cup of black coffee in one hand and a plate of a marshmallow sandwich in other, holding it out to him. His heart skips after hearing this before he turns his head to see you.

“A road trip? Why?” he asks, his attention focused on some book he reading.

You chuckles quietly at his response and move closer, sitting on the bed next to him. He brushes off that strange feeling and takes a cup of coffee, biting the sandwich you made, thinking about your offer.

“Mmm,” you hums, closing your eyes for a moment. “I heard from Klaus that you take a vacation. And I thought you deserve a break, like all of us, It's also my old wish, remember?”

You look so innocent and calm now, leaning back in his bed, smiling. Five silently takes a sip of coffee, thinking about it a little more.

He really wanted something like this. He never had time to spend free time with anyone, it's fair to say that he didn't have any free time and someone, who is not his family or Delores. But why would you want this with him? You have your own siblings to be with.

“Because I want to be your friend. The end of the world is soon, so why won't you give me a chance, please? ” you said one day.

Ah, right.

He takes another bite of the sandwich and stands up, sighing again as he placed the cup somewhere on the table.

“Alright, let's do it.”

────────────────────────────────

You two were standing in front of some strange statue. You tilt your head slightly, hiding your hands behind your back, thinking about something, maybe interested in the idea of this... work.

Five stood in front of you, hands in his pockets. The silence was calm between you and it seemed like the two of you didn't mind just standing there and watching until either of you dared to take a step.

You turn your head towards him and pull out a camera that looks quite old but despite the way it looks, it's still working.

“Do you want me to take a pic? ” you ask with a sweet smile on your face.

“For what? ” he looks at you, surprised.

“For fun.” you say. He chuckles and turned away again to look at the statue.

“I don't like take a pictures.” he lies.

He could understand himself and his family when they accepted the fact that they needed to stop sawing the universe and let the apocalypse happen. But why you look so calm about it? You had a chill life before all this, while he dedicated all 40 years of being all alone, then fighting for his family without rest.

It was hard for him to believe that you, a real, living person, can have a casual small chat with him about something so insignificant, while on his shoulders he carries the burden and responsibility for a large number of corpses that he kill in past. Maybe you look so calm because you didn't know it? And If you knew will you stay with him?

He had to kill, it's between them or his family and billions of lives, so of course he choose his family over some innocent people who's just unlucky to stay on The Commission's way.

Click.

Five reacts to the sound, breaking out of his thoughts to look at the source of the sound. You. He instantly tensed up, due to the developed reaction received after working as a mercenary.

He reacted so quickly and looked afraid for a second, as if right now someone would come out of hiding and try to kill him and this endless running from danger will continue...

But you laughed softly and looked at the photo, the photo with Five. You decided to take a picture of him while he seemed so lost in his own thoughts.

“Did you just-” he shook his head, processing information, “Now give it to me, I want to see.” he says, wanting to take camera from you.

“Mmm, then try to take it.” you laugh and hide camera behind your back.

“Hey, that's not funny.” he tries to grab the camera again, leaning much closer to you, but you continue this little game.

“ Then why are you smiling? ”

────────────────────────────────

The more time you spend together, the more he gets used to you. It's still very, very hard for him to show affection.

And you help him overcome this problem. Help him to recover, at least, a tiny bit of his trauma and you knew that it helps him when you two sitting in the car, he shows you a map where he marked each roadside attraction. He looked so interested when he talked about it.

He's not ready to admit to you or anyone else that he enjoys spending time with you. That he likes to finally be in company and feel relaxed after all this time.

He knows how to love and can become attached, but after so many years spent in the struggle for life, he is afraid to be with someone, and he is also afraid that he will be found as weak because of this.

Five doesn't want to admit that Reginald influenced his character as a child.

Five doesn't want to admit that he needs praise to feel better, he is not Luther, not Number One. No, he is better.

“Wow, you really good at this.” you say, sighing.

Five stops, obviously not expecting to hear something like that. He doesn't want to show that he was somehow influenced by your words. On the outside, he still looks calm, drinking coffee and reading something while you cook.

“...Thanks, I guess.” he pauses for a moment, looking at your figure for only a second, then resumes his business.

But inside, he feels like he's a boy again, fighting for his father's attention. And he obviously doesn't like it, but he can't just get rid of this feeling. He wants more.

“I think I need to learn something from you, maybe I can do at least a little as well as you in the future? ” you continue feeding his ego.

He chuckled at your words, shaking his head slightly, either finding it funny/cute how you sincerely wanted to be like him,or deciding to mock you, because he's still arrogant little bastard.

“Not sure if you can do it,” he says. “But good luck.”

[bluewren]

WIP Wednesday

Taliesen lets Solas remove her vallaslin, having a brother at Skyhold means that unfortunately she couldn't avoid the topic with him, but Lex has been patient with her though.

“Are you ready to talk about what happened, when you were away with Solas?”

Lex folds his fingers on top of the tavern’s booth, unassuming but his eyes were attentive to his sister. Weary to approach their conversation with tact, no matter how shattering it was to his beliefs, Taliesen is still family and deserves any respect he can offer.

Taliesen bites her lip, eyes scattering again to avoid her brother's. She promised to tell her brother the truth Solas shared with her. Still no matter how much time passes, it never becomes easier. Lex has always believed harder than she did, Tali doesn't want to hurt him.

But with one final sigh, she begins speaking.

"Solas told me how our vallaslin were misinterpreted, we changed the meaning…" Her heart jumps before continuing. "They were slave markings."

"So our People got another thing wrong about our ancestors." Lex's voice softens with pursed lips.

"Correct." Tali nods.

"Alright."

"That's it?" She rapidly blinks at the simple response. "No further questions about them? You're letting this slide suspiciously easily."

Lex replies with a shrug. "What do you want me to say? It's not like, your face doesn't tell me most of everything else I needed to know."

Tali rolls her eyes, she grumbles like her brother often would. "I wasn't expecting you to take the revelation so readily. I was preparing for push-back."

"I could muster that up if you like." His lips curl into thuggish grin.

"I'd prefer if you didn't." Tali cowers her head.

"No. No. You seem disappointed." Lex takes a breath to bolster up a deeper bass. "Taliesen, you are the dumbest Dalish elf I've ever met."

"Stop."

"How could you let a flat ear persuade you to betray your identity?" A hand covers the tears that weren't falling.

"Please…"

"How did the hearthkeeper mean so little to you? Why would you let a flat ear do the impossible to you? Why?"

Tali concedes to drumming her fingers on their table, aware that persuading Lex was impossible.

"Did you forget the struggles of our People, reclaiming our forgotten culture, and our vow to never submit to the shems?"

"You proud of yourself?" Tali returns furrowed brows at her brother's absurd stunt.

"Yes." Lex crosses his arms and lets out a cackling snort. "I am very proud of myself."

“Be wary of every seat you take at Skyhold from now and forever.” Tali stares down her brother.

Lex returns a raised confused brow. “I’m your brother, the Inquisitor’s brother. I’m already sleeping with one eye open.”

“Fair point.” Her head crashes down to the table with an exasperated groan.

But Lex straightens himself, ending his relentless teasing for one moment. "But why did you think I cared what you did with your own face?"

Relaxing her head on her palm, Tali shrugs her shoulders. “I chose to remove my rite of adulthood. My dedication to benefiting our People. That should mean more to you.”

“Maybe,” Lex gives a weak, tired admission. Too worn out to care about yet another secret hidden from their People. “I might have also given up after the Temple. Remembering hasn’t been part of my life for a long time now. Let someone else be disappointed in you.”

“I suppose that’s fair to say.”

Tali purses her lips, she was reluctant to agree with her brother but she has carried the same thoughts for longer. It was yet another time they were distant from their clan, each time they’ve looked back they keep seeing all the faults with the meager lives the Dalish had. Worse this time with the bigger calling that they were both pulled into, there was no comfort in returning home for either of them anymore and so they keep walking the path they’re forced onto.

“Dalish told you to not be as difficult, didn’t she?”

“She certainly did.”

Tagging @dalishkadan | @roguelioness | @cleverblackcat | @anders-did-nothing-wrong | @celemee | @lailinightlight

[dreadfutures]

Does Ixchel have any titles? (Yes so many BUT!) How did they earn them? 

Okay so I know WHY some of them but I wanna hear you say them pls I like how you explain things

Heheh thank you Rosella!

Herald of Andraste and Inquisitor, we all know.

Ixchel is also: Champion, and Brave Guide, and that's all I have time for 😂

Champion.

This is her specialization as a two handed warrior. The process for gaining this specialization makes it seem so important and formal, a Chevalier who serves not a crown or a person but an ideal, a philosophy. Ixchel knows plenty of asshole Chevaliers, and the Champion specialization teacher is...a little off-putting, too. But that doesn't mean there wasn't something to that mentality. Ixchel really strives to be that ideal, it was one of the only things she had to guide her as a very young young!Inquisitor when she was getting so much different and conflicting advice from all around.

In her second life it becomes a true title. It's her second go around so she is much more effective in every way, and much more clear about what she stands for. It doesn't take long for people to describe her as a Champion for the little people, a Champion of the just, a Champion for the poor and the marginalized, a Champion for the elves--the descriptor sticks, and Bull starts calling her that as her nickname, and eventually it becomes a rallying cry and an official title.

Solas made it official by presenting her with the Ardent Blossom (formally, after she had already found it) at Suledin Keep. He named her HIS Champion AND Champion of the people, but stipulated of course that she named herself these things first and she belongs to no one but herself.

It's, I think, one of the first ways he pledges himself to her cause. In order for her to be his Champion, she has to espouse the ideals he stands for -- and she has made it very clear that she does not support his path on the din'an'shiral, and that she doesn't want to walk alone. She's wary of it, but eventually she realizes the weight this title carries for him.

It's what he always wanted to be himself, don't you think?

But she is the ideal. Or is better at trying to be, at least.

Brave Guide.

So much of DPDF is Solas telling Ixchel: "lead me."

But she calls him out several times, saying that he has already decided not to follow her.

When he names her Champion, he also names her "Brave Guide," further cementing the moment as being one where he places his hope within her.

Ixchel has never wanted a follower. She's told him so many times. She wants a friend. A companion. An equal. Someone to support her on her journey, to pick her up when she falls, to remind her of why they do what they do, and help her keep her eyes on the prize.

Here, Solas says: be my guide. In the moment it's a half-win, a hollow victory for Ixchel, who has just had a breakdown about how futile it is to try and save the world when she knows Solas will just destroy it, and she can't believe that she can change his mind. Why is she special, after all? And to hear him name her as his guide is a heavy weight she doesn't know if she can bear. To be the external moral compass of a god? How is that possible, bearable, fair? It's not.

But there are times on this journey where we need someone to take the first step. Or the next step. Or to remind us where we're going. Or to show us it's possible. And that's entirely mortal, of us. That's our hardest part, so often. Getting started. He named her here but he's asking her in the same breath: please.

And once they start a relationship, he will do the same for her, many times. As equals.

BUT IN THIS MOMENT? WHEN HE CROWNS HER WITH THE ARDENT BLOSSOM?

What it TRULY is, simultaneously as all of the above, is a recognition for the fact that she HAS done this, she embodies it, she is the proof and the first step and everything *already...even when she doesn't realize it. Because right after she utterly Despairs over her journey, and its futility...she manages to turn Imshael--a Hope Spirit who became a 'Choice' demon in his own Despair!--back into his true nature. She can put herself on her own path, pick herself up, all on her own.

That is why the Spirit led her to the Ardent Blossom.

Solas is just translating.

She is the proof she needs. She is her own Brave Guide. She is the world's Brave Guide. She is his.

And...someone finds out about this.

The Spirits, watching?

Mythal? His Agents?

Whoever it is, they start calling her that elsewhere. In whispers. Rebels making their plots and plans. She is an elf who has thrown off the Chantry's power and claimed her own, and disperses it. She stands in the halls of kings and tells them to be kind, and then enforces it. She is the Brave Guide. She is opening doors and setting precedents, but it will be for nothing of people don't fight to make that reality stick.

Just look at Mahariel, after all, after the Blight :(

[astro-rain]

delicate; b. barnes

chapter thirteen - “sober desires & the reminiscence of a winsome smile”

delicate masterlist

word count: 4k

synopsis: wakanda gets a visit from our favorite captain, two drinks is too much rum for a reticent psychologist, and bucky knows (& feels) more than meets the eye.

pairings: bucky x fem!reader

[A/N]: this took so long to write but WHEW this chapter!!!! pls let me know what you think >:D

The knock on the outside of his hut was followed by a deep accented voice, one that he had heard before.

"Sergeant Barnes?" it called.

Quickly enough Bucky was outside, facing the king of Wakanda himself. He wasn't sure exactly what to say. You see, the majority of their past interactions included the Black Panther trying to kill him. T'Challa was kind and Bucky trusted him. It was just... a little awkward given the history.

"Your highness," he greeted.

He smiled bashfully at the title.

"I have some news for you."

Bucky's head cocked to the side, curious. News? Should he be worried? He hadn't been expecting anything.

"Captain Rogers is on his way here. He was alerted about our recent complication with N'Jadaka," he said, referring to who Bucky guessed was who Y/N called Erik Killmonger, "and he asked to come check in, make sure you're okay."

Steve was coming. His mood was immediately uplifted. He hadn't seen his oldest friend for months. It was weird to have Steve feeling the need to make sure Bucky was okay; it was usually the other way around. Nonetheless, he was excited. And he had the sudden urge to tell Y/N.

- - -

READER

"Sharon. Hey," she said into the phone.

The friends hadn't spoken since Y/N left for Wakanda - security measures since Sharon helped Steve and betrayed the... well everyone.

"Y/N!" Sharon greeted. "How is everything? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, no I'm totally okay. The Killmonger thing was more the royal family's deal than mine. I was just hiding out in some bunker with Barnes."

Concerned weaved its way into Sharon's voice. "Oh my god. Did anything happen?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, historically, stress hasn't affected him well..."

She wasn't sure why she almost got offended. "No... he was completely fine. He doesn't lose control out of nowhere and turn into the winter soldier. It's a lot more complicated than that... We were fine."

"Oh, that's good. Listen... I'm actually on my way to Wakanda right now."

"You're-... what?"

"Steve needed to check in on Bucky after Killmonger. Wilson and I are coming too."

They must all be together. It makes sense considering what happened after the disaster in Berlin, and then the airport fiasco in Germany and then... everything in Siberia.

Aw, they're in hiding together, Y/N joked in her head. She almost laughed out loud.

"Oh. Is that safe? For you? For everyone?"

"I've been careful. We've all been careful. But, things don't always go as planned. And T'Challa feels bad about putting you guys in a dangerous situation when he was supposed to protect you."

"It wasn't his fault."

"I know. We all know. But, it's kind of his way of making up for it: letting us stay so that Steve can check in on Barnes and we can cool off for a bit."

"Was Rogers mad?"

"Well, he wasn't thrilled that his best friend was trapped alone in a country that just got taken over..."

He wasn't alone.

"...he was mostly worried," Sharon continued. "Still is."

"Right."

"Alright, well I got to go. We'll be there in a couple hours."

"I'll see you. Be safe."

"See you."

- - -

BUCKY BARNES

"Hey Buck," the happiness in Steve's voice was genuine as he patted his oldest friend on the back in the middle of an embrace. "How you been?"

"A hell of a lot better than the last time I saw you, that's for damn sure," Bucky smiled.

Sam Wilson stood next to the star spangled man with a plan. Bucky briefly glanced at him.

"Wilson," he deadpanned.

"Barnes," he returned the greeting.

"I was worried when T'Challa told me about Killmonger," Steve said. "Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that they let you stay here, but I just didn't think I'd have to be worried so soon."

"It's alright. Everything turned out okay and I was fine the whole time. You don't have to lose your head."

"I'm not losing my head."

"You never had it in the first place."

The blonde changed the topic of conversation.

"You were with that therapist right?"

"Yeah."

"What do we think about her?" he asked with equal parts caution and suspicion. "Do you trust her?"

Bucky wasn't sure why he was almost offended.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, you know what happened the last time you were with a psychiatrist..."

"Yeah well, this one doesn't have a personal vendetta against the Avengers."

"You sure she's alright?"

He looked serious, and Bucky could see the genuine concern etched into his friend's face. Steve was truly wary.

"I'm positive. She's helped so much since I've been here. I really trust her."

"Okay, if you say so. I trust you."

Bucky smirked. "Hey uh... is Sharon with you?"

Sam said nothing but radiated a smirk to match Bucky's perfectly, a kind of smirk that only a ball-busting best friend cracks.

"She is..." Steve replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh nothing. Just wondering, that's all."

"She said she wanted to talk to a friend."

"Oh, she's probably with Y/N."

"Who?"

"Y/N. Dr. Y/L/N. 'The therapist.'"

"I didn't know they were friends."

"Why do you think Sharon recommended her?"

"She said she knew 'the best' person to help."

"That true. She's crazy smart."

"As long as she can do the job, I'm all for it, no matter whose friend she is."

In a short-lived thought, Bucky wondered what Steve Rogers would think of who else Y/N was friends with. He wondered if Steve would think it was strange to be friends with your doctor, or if he'd be pleased that Bucky had gotten close to someone, anyone else in this world.

"How long are you guys staying for?" Bucky asked.

Steve rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. "Honestly, we were only planning on staying for like a week or so. We've been moving throughout Europe, and the other day, when we were in Prague... it was almost really bad."

"We need to stay low for a while," Sam added.

"What did you do?" Bucky asked, used to Steve getting himself into trouble.

"It's a long story..."

"What did T'Challa say about it?"

"He said to take as much time as we needed," Steve filled him in.

"You know, I'm startin' to really like this guy," Sam nodded, smiling. "Obviously when he went all cat murderer on you, he was a bit of a pain in the ass. But now? Guardian angel."

Bucky shook his head at Sam's nonsense. What an idiot, he thought. He wondered what Y/N would think of Sam, but then a more pressing question popped into his head.

"Where are you guys gonna stay?"

"I'm guessing there," Steve said pointing behind Bucky.

When he turned around, Bucky was shocked but he also wasn't. Behind and around his hut stood three more just like it, but slightly smaller. He could've sworn those weren't there yesterday, but that's the beauty of Wakanda. They were ten steps ahead of the rest of the world and he guessed that included speed building as well.

"I will never stop loving this place," he admired.

-

He tried not to sound too eager when he knocked on her door. She looked shocked but didn't really try to hide it.

"Oh," she sounded confused. "Hi, Bucky..."

"Hey," he grinned. "I have a proposition for you."

Her eyebrows lowered as her lips twisted into the most devilish smirk. She could communicate an entire joke with just her face.

"Not like that!" he exclaimed.

She laughed, smirk morphing into an endearing smile. "Like what then?"

"Steve wanted to have like a bonfire sorta thing to catch up since we're all together for once. You know, just like drinks and stupid stories from the forties. D'ya think you could part with your paper work to grace us with your presence?"

"Oh, uh... are you sure?"

"Of course. I'd love to have you there."

She wrung out her hands. "I don't know, Buck. Is that really appropriate? To have your doctor hangin' out with your friends?"

"That may be, but that's not what I'm asking. I want my friend to 'hang out' with my other friends."

Out of her composure seeped a meek smile. The air felt softer to him.

"And maybe you can analyze Wilson and tell me what his biggest fear is later," he added.

She snickered.

"Okay. Lead the way, James Buchanan."

-

The fire was a monster, roaring and crackling with all the life in the world. Bucky loved it. He loved the warmth, the heat, the lack of cold.

"I'm gonna get another drink," Y/N said. "You want anything, Buck?"

"I'm all set," he smiled, gaze lingering for only a second too long.

"Sharon?" she turned. "You?"

The blonde shook her head. "Oh, I think I've had plenty."

Surrounding the fire sat five chairs. All but one was empty as Y/N went to get her second drink. Of course they were in Sam's hut, Bucky thought. After all, even though it was Steve's idea, Sam was most excited about the whole thing, actually sitting down and just relaxing instead of fleeing from belligerent governments.

"Therapist's pretty," Sam noted with a smirk once she was out of hearing range.

"Y/N," Bucky corrected, mind going completely elsewhere. "She's so smart."

"Smart enough to call you Buck..." Steve said, catching on to Sam.

"What?"

"She calls you Buck."

"Yeah, so? You do too."

"Yeah, but I've known you longer. And I'm your friend."

"She's my friend too," he shrugged.

"She's your doctor..."

"And I'm a hundred year old man with one arm trying to get un-brainwashed in a country that the rest of the world doesn't even know exists. None of this is conventional."

"...fair," Steve said, with only a little bit of skepticism. "Are you guys close?"

Does spending hours alone talking with someone in a hidden bunker make you close? Does them comforting you after a nightmare and then subsequently allowing you to get the best night sleep you've had in forever? What about making daring voyages to quaint waterfalls and laughing a kind of laugh that makes your heart swell? What about-

"Buck?"

He shrugged. Again. "I guess so."

Sam narrowed his eyebrows. "How close?"

"Wilson," Sharon admonished exasperatedly. "Y/L/N's his doctor, come on. That's inappropriate to suggest."

Sam put his hands up in mock surrender. Briefly, just briefly, Bucky imagined kicking the leg of Sam's chair and watching him fall back. He didn't, obviously. But it would have been funny if he did.

The seemingly never ending conversation was cut short when Y/N returned, drink in hand, and took her seat next to Bucky.

"What'd you get?" he asked, demeanor subtly but swiftly changing into something lighter, something happier.

"I don't know, but it has rum in it," she shrugged sardonically before clinking her glass with Bucky's.

"Cheers," Sam raised his glass, trying to engage.

Y/N wordlessly, and with a half-smile, raised her glass in his direction.

"So," Steve started, comfortably crossing his legs and leaning back into his chair before asking Bucky, "you wanna know what actually happened in Prague?"

"Do enlighten me. I've been waiting all night."

"Jerk."

"Punk."

The rest of the night went on sort of like this. The group took turns telling stories and then listening. Cracking jokes and then laughing. Everyone but Y/N, Bucky noticed. She just... sat and drank, livelihood only extending to the borders of her seat.

He hadn't seen her like this before, and he found himself stuck halfway between confused and worried. Had something happened? Had something wrong been said?

He kept an eye on her as dusk melted into night. He told himself it was because he was concerned, but that was only in addition to the way he was magnetized to how she looked with the light of the fire gleaming on her skin.

After she would finish a drink, she'd stare into the fire for a little while, before leaving to get another. When he made sure no one was looking at him, he'd look at her. Discretely. At her eyes. The reflection of the fire in her pupils made him wonder if she would burn the fire before it could ever burn her. He was all too aware of the heat that accompanied her gaze. It was a ravishing burn that made him ache for the searing feeling as soon as it was taken away.

He didn't dare think of it for too long or else he would get distracted. And someone would call his name, pulling him out of a trance he didn't want to be caught in. A trance he wasn't sure he wanted to admit that he was in.

The night remained as such until someone - he couldn't remember who - said they were tired, and everyone bid their farewells, and wished their good nights.

Y/N spared about a side hug to Sharon before walking off on her own. Bucky half volunteered, half insisted on tending to the fire to make sure it went out, only to ignore it as soon as everyone was gone and follow after his psychologist.

He caught up to her as she was in the middle of opening the door to her living quarters.

"Y/N."

She turned around in the spot, door wide open, staring up at him.

He bore into her eyes, looking at something, noticing her dilated pupils and hazy stare.

"You're drunk," he said, but it sounded more like a question.

"Yeah."

"But you don't seem drunk?"

"I'm not wasted," she padded into the room, carelessly leaving the door wide open for him to walk through. "Just drunk enough to remember why I didn't drink in college."

She rubbed her eyes.

"Think I want another one," she sighed, heading for the door with a bitter smile. "More rum."

Bucky gently closed the door, maneuvering himself in front of it, and blocking her from exiting. Another drink is definitely not a good idea.

He changed the subject. "Why didn't you drink in college?"

Her eyebrows raised, introducing a look that said Really? You think I don't know what you're doing?

"Wow, look at you being the voice of reason for my otherwise inebriated brain."

Nevertheless, she cooperated.

She sighed. "It just... makes me miserable. I'm a sad drunk."

"Better than a mean drunk," he offered.

"Possibly. It's a real mood killer, though."

"That why you were off all night?"

"Off... ? I don't know, I guess so... I'm usually pretty inconspicuous when I'm drunk. Didn't think anyone would really notice."

There was no hesitation when he spoke.

"I did."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be sorry. Just... why did you keep drinking if it only makes you miserable?"

"Alcohol is a depressant," she breathed mechanically, as if speaking was difficult. "It depresses your nervous system, then you get disinhibited. Then you don't care about rationality and just drink! Then in the moment it feels kinda good... but then it makes you sad... and then you need more to blur the feeling away. It's like... the worse you feel, the more you need to drink... but then the more you drink... the worse you feel..."

"How are you drunk but still talking... sorta still like you usually do?"

She smirked, looking like she was trying not to laugh. He was glad she was smiling.

"Maybe you're not the only one with heightened metabolism as a result of the serum..."

He looked at her quizzically, amused. She wasn't making total sense, but he couldn't find it in himself to give much of a damn. She smiled, again.

"Kidding. I just have outstanding self-control."

She plopped down on the floor, deciding that she no longer wanted to use her legs. Fine motor function was overrated for intoxicated people.

He sat down with her, next to her.

"If I tell you a joke will you be less sad-drunk?"

"I already am 'less sad-drunk.' I wasn't before, but," she took a breath in, "now you're here, so... improvements have been made."

"That's good 'cause I was worried before."

She glanced up at him with brazen eye contact. Her face held a mixture of what looked like a confused and pained expression, as something changed. Some sort of realization or reality check.

She wiped her hands over her face. "God, this is so ridiculous. I'm sorry. You shouldn't be worried about me, that's not your job. I'm sorry. I should just go to bed, and you can leave..."

"I know it's not my job. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"I was alright- it... it's not like I was crying at the fire or something. I was fine."

"After your second drink, you were silent almost the entire time."

"You were counting my drinks?"

Not exactly.

"I was paying attention."

"To what?"

To you.

"You completely turned into yourself. Your elbows and legs were drawn in close to your body: unrelaxed and almost apprehensive posture. You were nonverbal, didn't make any jokes, no sarcastic commentary. I was literally purposefully saying things I knew you would correct or tease or laugh at and nothing. I was waiting for a 'smartass' or a 'there's a reason behind everything' explanation or anything science related. But there was nothing."

Her face was blank. It took her a second to catch up. Blinking slowly, she shook her head, eyebrows furrowed, all emphasis on the word. "Why?"

Her tone was truly confused. It was like she, in her heart of hearts, for the life of her, could not believe he was concerned.

"Y/N you're my friend," he chided. "Why wouldn't I be?"

She averted her gaze. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I don't know."

"Look," his voice was soft. "I know you know everything and you know my mannerisms and micro-expressions and you know when I'm lying and whatever else 'cause you're a genius psychologist. But is it really that hard to believe that, after all the time we've known each other, I know you a little too? That I saw you for once instead of you always seein' me?"

"I think you're the only person who sees me."

The words leaked out before he thought to analyze them, tone lower than a whisper.

"Well I can't seem to look at much else."

He had never felt such potent silence. Did he just fuck up majorly? They just sat, on the floor, eyes glued to each other like twenty year old dried cement. He didn't think he could move away if he tried.

"I see you now," she whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"Blue," she breathed. "Your eyes are so blue. I don't... think I've ever seen that shade of blue."

It happened exponentially slowly, but the closer her face got to his, the more his chest felt like it was going to burst in the best way possible. As if liquid light poured into his lungs, inflating his chest and igniting every nerve with adoration.

Her lips hovered over his so lightly it was as if it wasn't even happening, like her affection was a ghost. But it was happening, and he could feel it. He could feel the softness in her lips and the smell of the rum she drank as they combined into the wondrous dual sensation that permeated throughout his brain.

They weren't kissing by any stretch. Their lips were hardly touching. However, in that moment, he was at her mercy. He was prepared to bend the laws of nature to her will if she would allow the continuation of this feeling for even a fraction of a second more.

Until it stopped and she waned away like the moon bidding adieu to the morning sky.

Her voice shook. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't... it's-"

"No. It's not okay. It's not okay."

He leaned back, examining her face. She looked confused and embarrassed and scared.

"Y/N, it's fine. It's okay, seriously, don't worry about it."

"I'm sorry, I'm... I'm drunk and I'm disinhibited and it's affecting my judgement and making me impulsive. I'm sorry."

He couldn't be exactly sure, but it sounded as if she was trying to convince herself more than she was trying to convince him.

Neither of them moved a muscle.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked.

She was silent, frozen. It reminded him of a past conversation about the fight or flight response.

Bucky stood up and offered his hand to the woman sitting on the floor in front of him. "Here."

She took it gingerly and stood up with him before wide eyes stared into his apologetically.

"Please don't feel bad," he pleaded. "Barely anything happened."

"Still..."

"Why don't you just get some sleep and we can talk tomorrow. I promise it won't seem like such a big deal when you're sober."

She nodded but they both remained motionless, hands still together. He knew they needed to let go, but her hand didn't move, and she just kept looking into him.

"Okay," she whispered.

She walked him to the door, hand still in hand, and until he was forced to let go of her to open it. He stepped, ever so slowly, out of her room and onto the grass outside. He looked up at her, the doorway between them suddenly feeling like worlds of distance. They stood on opposite sides of the open door like statues. Bucky didn't know what to do and he wasn't sure what to say.

He settled on a, "Goodnight."

He tried not to make it sound so weak and timorous but he failed entirely. He didn't want to leave her like this. Guilty and alone. God knows he knew what it felt like.

Her voice was dry and quiet. "Goodnight."

He wasn't sure when the door shut or which one of them had shut it. The only thing he was sure of was the feeling of formidable regret pooling in his stomach.

On one hand, there was regret for letting her lean in and get so close because now he was scared that their dynamic was ruined and worried that Y/N felt awful. On the other hand, there was regret that he just let her pull away. Regret that he didn't lean in more and shamelessly drown in her. Regret that he didn't unapologetically suffocate himself with the softness of lips, the inebriating smell of rum on on her tongue, and the utterly bewitching taste of her he was sure would follow.

He wasn't sure what he felt, to be honest. He was a muddle of emotions of which he had no idea how to sift through. Momentarily, he wished he was drunk so he wouldn't have to think so hard. Then, he remembered the saying, "drunk words are sober thoughts," and he was damn glad he was stone cold sober; he could only imagine the things he would say to her if he was drunk.

This lead him to pondering, it got the gears in his brain turning. It made him wonder. Maybe... just maybe... if drunk words were sober thoughts, then what if drunk actions were sober desires?

Thinking like this could cause him read the situation completely differently. Thinking like this could make him read the situation in such a way that conceived the slightest sliver of hope for emotions gone repressed. Hope is dangerous...

Hope is dangerous, so Bucky shoved it down into the deepest cavern of his brain, the very same cavern where his feelings for her resided. It was a monster in a cave, growling and hissing menacingly. Intensely.

It scared him, this intensity. It scared him so much that the only way he could fall asleep was by thinking about the way James Buchanan sounded when she said it with a winsome smile.

delicate taglist: ​@bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @nickkie1129 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @quxxnxfhxll @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf