#He re-builds his life… His self worth and his stability and eventually; he finds out how to be okay again.

[saturnsorbits]

… I just don’t feel like Denki stays a Pro-Hero for his entire career. Out of the entire Baku-squad he’s the first to retire and he retires early; like mid-late 20’s, a solid few years shy of thirty early.

[allthebooksandcrannies]

I know a lot of older people think it's a problem that so many young people don't want to have children, but I think it shows an increased understanding for how much of a responsibility parenting is and how much damage you can do to a child of you're not ready to raise someone.

I think that everyone is capable of being a good parent and I think that some people should never be parents. These may sound mutually exclusive but they aren't because there's a big if involved in the first half. That if, is that everyone is capable of being a good parent someday if they put in the work to take care of their own shit first.

When you become a parent or guardian, you are officially signing on to prioritize another person's physical and emotional needs before your own for the rest of their life. That means loving them no matter what they do or who they become. That means putting aside your own exhaustion and frustration at your day when they walk through the door so that you can be their champion and their confidant and their companion. That means teaching them how to process their emotions and think critically and empathetically and it means letting them find their own path, even if it's different than the one you wanted or imagined for them, but making it clear that if they need or want your comfort, your help, or just your ear that they will have it. You don't have to be perfect. No parent ever is, and it's important anyway for kids to learn in nontraumatic ways that adults make mistakes too and that's okay as long as you take responsibility for that and strive to learn and grow because of your mistakes. Kids learn by watching and listening to the adults around them and the things they conclude from those early years of observation will stick with them the rest of their lives.

I know that that sounds scary. It probably should because deciding to raise a child should be the biggest decision you can make, and if it's not, you may not be taking it seriously enough.

I also know that this is hard. And I have the greatest respect for people who truly understand this and decide to raise a tiny person anyway.

I'm also not trying to discourage you from becoming a parent. You may not be ready now, but that doesn't mean you can't be later. I personally would love to be a mom some day not I know that I have a lot of personal growth and healing I need to take care of first, to say nothing of the stabilization of my financial and career status.

The real question is what can you do to be a better parent, guardian, or even trusted adult to someone else's child (a really important and valid role and choice in itself!) later?

First off, you need to do some hard core introspection to figure out what traits and behaviors you have that might exhibit that would interfere in your ability to be a good parent. Maybe you're still emotionally immature. Maybe you're struggling with uncontrolled mental illness, chronic illness, or addiction. Maybe you've internalized some toxic ideas. Maybe you're still recovering from trauma or just now realizing that what you have even is trauma. None of these things makes you a bad person and none of them stops you from being capable to becoming a good parent. But, all of them can interfere with your ability to model healthy behaviors and coping skills to your child. Children learn through observation and, because their brains need the world to make sense and be predictable, they're going to interpret everytime you seem upset or lose your cool as being their fault. Young children aren't capable of going "mom is upset and snapped over something relatively trivial, she must be having a bad day/be tired/etc" because that's an interpretation of the world that is outside their control. Instead, they're going to go "I did x and mom got mad at me, it's my fault so I better not do x again" and that's a really harmful mindset that can contribute to self-worth issues and other mental illnesses like anxiety, especially if this happens long-term (for the record, you're going to make mistakes and you're going to snap over stupid things because being a grown-up is hard, so when you inevitably make this mistake it's important to be honest and upfront with your child about what happened, why, how it's not their fault, and you have to genuinely apologize for it, turning your mistake into a chance to model good adult behavior).

It's important to take care of yourself and let yourself grow and heal before bringing a kid into the mix because 1. you'll be a better parent if you start out in a better place emotionally and mentally, and 2. because you deserve the chance to be healthy and happy and it's much harder to address the things that are interfering with that when your also trying to juggle the additional emotional/mental demands of raising a child.

Additionally, I definitely recommend making sure you and anyone else taking a primary caretaker role in your child's life is in a stable financial and that the relationship between you and any other caretakers is stable and amicable regardless of what kind of relationship it is. The financial aspect is important because kids are expensive as hell (both the having/acquiring and the raising) and you want to be able to provide then with the best possible shot at life.

This isn't about me but I feel like the example will be helpful. We weren't poverty level growing up, but even as a child it was clear to me that we could be. My parents were 20 year old newlyweds when they got pregnant. My dad had been set up to inherit a position in his father and grandfather's construction company and did not go to college because they thought he was guaranteed a steady job. My mom was paying for a college education she couldn't afford because no one had ever explained how to get financial aid and scholarships to her and her parents were too caught up in their own shit to be anything but relieved about getting to make her future my dad's problem. Then they got pregnant. They started building a house that took much longer to build then expected because that construction business dad was expecting to inherit went out of business because it turned out that a cousin had been embezzling and my great-grandmother wouldn't let them sue or press charges against family. Mom had to drop out of college to raise me because daycare costs as much as she makes at work and she no longer has the time or funds. They had a baby they weren't prepared to raise and my dad's new job had him working in the Texas heat all day before going and working on our house at night so that we could move out of my maternal grandfather's house now that he was getting divorced and couldn't afford it. My parents society never saw each other and they were constantly worried about money. Less than two years after I was born they accidentally got pregnant with my brother. He ended up with failure to thrive and (although he did eventually recover) it raked up a serious amount of debt in addition to my mom's student loans and the mortgage. Flash forward four more years and my dad falls through a roof at a construction site and permanently cripples his ankle. Cue a year of the only breadwinner in the household being unable to work, several surgeries and massive medical bills we can't pay. A year after that my mom has to have a historectomy because her fibroids are causing immense pain and then they find pre-cancerous cells. Another year after that she starts having unexplained siezures and signs of organ failure that will take years to diagnose as a rare autoimmune disorder that will leave her disabled and, again, rake up serious medical debt. I found out in college that it came to the point that we almost lost the house but as a kid I still always knew we were struggling. And that fucks with a kid's head. There were reasons I didn't tell my parents that something was wrong for a week after I sprained my wrist when I was 10 and it wasn't just because I didn't want to sound like I was asking for attention (a phobia that also comes from having emotionally immature parents). I pushed myself ridiculously hard in school because I knew I couldn't expect any help paying for college from my parents. I still feel incredibly guilty anytime I spend more than 20 dollars even though it's my money and I need groceries or textbooks or gas or whatever. A lot of these issues would have been financially difficult and unpredictable, but had my parents been in a more stable position when they got married and started having kids, it would have been much easier to weather the storms.

Additionally, money is the main thing couples fight about, so if you can take that off the table as a significant concern before bringing kids into the mix, please do. Maslow's hierarchy of needs states that you can't address higher order concerns like personal growth of your worried about where your next meal is coming from and that goes for your children as well.

Again, I'm not trying to shame people for their financial difficulties. Most of us are playing at a game we were never intended to win and I get that not all children are planned. But, your good intentions unfortunately will not put food on the table or pay the rent and your children will have a lot less stress in their lives if you are able to make sure that things are as stable as possible before you bring them into it.

The same goes for your relationship with fellow caretakers. Don't try to have kids to save your relationship. Don't ever make your children feel like your relationship is in anyway their responsibility. Again, they need their world to make sense and if you're fighting they're probably going to assume it's somehow their fault. Don't do that to them.

Anyway, this rant turned out a lot longer than I intended but I think I needed to say it. In summary, raising children is not about you but your going to make it about you unless you take care of your own shit first. Children don't ask to be born. If you're not ready for that responsibility, either don't have kids or put in the work so that you will be. If you already have kids, and don't have your shit together, there's still time but it's going to be harder and you might have to do some damage control from any traumas you may have already inflicted on your child, regardless of your intentions. If that's the case, you have a responsibility to get your kid the help they need and do everything in your power to avoid further harm. You're the adult in this situation, and if you're going to be a parent, you need to act like it.

[miamonologues]

Females are strong as hell

Some lessons from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is a newly introduced series to me by my own Netflix algorithm and let me tell you, IT'S MY NEW FAVORITE ONE. I finished the series quickly because it was "unputdownable." I had to keep watching because the entertainment it provided served me well (it's practically my kind of humor). Despite being a comedy with a light-hearted ending, I kind of cried when it ended because, well, I had to keep going now with my own life. Back to boring paperwork and non-fiction reading. So instead of moping about it (and yes, I know I can just re-watch it again, but you and I know it'll feel different), I thought, why not list down SOME lessons I learned from its four main characters. I emphasized the word SOME because, believe me, you will learn so much more. Not just from the plot and these four characters but from the other characters that are unmentioned here. So here we go, what Kimmy, Titus, Jacqueline, and Lillian taught me.

What Kimmy taught me:

Kimmy taught me to not let your past define you, and being a late bloomer has a lot of advantages. Intentions are pure, ego untainted, and your presence becomes infectious. Sure, she may have missed a whole big chunk of her life, but she also realized how much she hasn't. The world will continue to evolve with or without us in it, so what's there to miss? We'll bloom just as much.

You will never do the world harm by choosing to be kind. It was always about helping people when it comes to Kimmy, which became one of her callings and ultimate purpose in life as the series escalated. While the people around her taught her that the world can be cruel sometimes, and we become accustomed to it, she chose to kill the cruelty with her unconditional kindness.

You can be tough without compromising your sweet and loving self. Kimmy had to learn the ins and outs of life's cycle. She may have suppressed her feelings and emotions at some point, but she knew that we're all entitled to all feelings. Which made her character very likable. Eventually, she learned anger, frustration, rage, and sadness. It wasn't always love and happiness, but she knew it was just part of our functioning.

Face your demons, but move forward while doing it. Trauma is not to be ignored by a person's past experiences. Even though Kimmy had trouble facing her past, she still did. But instead of staying in the past, she met it by saying, "yep, that's all that is. The past". It's not likely for someone like Kimmy to be at peace with her terrifying bunker past. Still, she is as the title says, unbreakable.

What Titus taught me:

He gave me a new light on how to view gay characters in a series. He is NOT your gay best friend, but an entire character and heroine that completes this show. An openly gay role in American entertainment is like a Hollywood Archetype for "sidekick/best friend to make serious and dark topics seem lighter and funny." Uhm, no. Titus is different. He is known for how unapologetic and opinionated he is. Making him a strong character that you should not be messing with.

He taught me to be expressive and passionate. It's not easy to in New York, a place to live your dreams and other people who chose it to live their dreams. Titus taught me to never compromise doing what you love for the sake of fortune and stability. Rent should've been taking notes.

He taught me to stay true and continue to pursue your ultimate dream. Despite his self-centered and lethargic temperament, he is authentic and resilient. His character improves in the series without compromising his beliefs and goals. Eventually, he got what he's always dreamed of. Along with Mikee, which btw, I STAN their relationship and I’ve been rooting for them since their first conversation.

What Jacqueline taught me:

She taught me to never forget to look back at where I came from. Like Kimmy, Jacqueline tried to forget and abandon her past. Although it wasn't because of trauma and suppressed emotions, Jacqueline became neglectful of her roots. After massive shifts in her life, she eventually decided to go back and embrace her family roots. Which provided not only her peace of mind but also to fulfill a purpose that is anchored towards her family's heritage. Throughout the rest of the series, we also see how she kept in touch with her family and how they have been supportive of her as she rebuilds her life.

She taught me that's it's okay to start again.  After several mishaps in her lavish lifestyle, Jacqueline realizes that she has much more worth than a trophy wife. Her character developed as much as well in the series. Dealing with divorce, being broke, and having no experience to start a career. She killed it anyways.

She taught me to learn how to unlearn. Coming from a wealthy and obnoxious lifestyle, Jacqueline had to keep up with her change of status, which made her humble herself and put others first. Whether it was for Kimmy or a random stranger. Even with how she tackled love and dating. In season 3, she fell in love with a man because of his compassion and care for the better (which she broke off eventually when that man became a narcissistic, self-serving being). Towards the end of the series, she questioned a man who was attracted to her. Pointing out that he should like her for who she is and not just for her looks. Kudos to Jacqueline for being able to do an easy job in starting all over again—and—being able to do it in style.

What Lillian taught me:

She taught me how to fight for what I believe in. With her unconventional ways and dispositions, Lillian was the more badass gal in the group with her continuous fight for anti-gentrification and preserving the neighborhood. Including its crime-filled community, kind-of-unhygienic but vintage establishments, and torn down structures and buildings (give it a break, it's an absurd comedy). Even though some of her character's dispositions are impractical, Lillian taught me to always fight for what I believe in. Even if our beliefs sound impractical, we have a voice. What better way to use that than to speak them out and who knows, maybe someone will listen and take action with you.

She taught me to not care about what others think of me. Like Titus, this is what Lillian has been throughout the series. True to herself. Even when she started dating a rich man, and Jacqueline insisted she had a makeover when she was about to meet his family, Lillian didn't comply. She liked who she is doesn't care what people think of her. In this new age of selfies and personal branding, caring what other people think has been mainstream since we got introduced to social media. We can't blame those who do care because the internet says so. So next time I find myself overthinking what others have to say about me, I'll think of Lillian.

Final thoughts:

First, to say that the series is relatable is a downplay. This series attacks topics through its characters about modern and mainstream problems about society. They tackle it absurdly and funnily, but still quite agreeable.

Second, you can learn a lot from these four characters, and it's unlikely that there is a character from these four that you will hate. Because once you watch it, you will admit to yourself that, at some point, you may have been like a Kimmy, Titus, Jacqueline, or Lillian in your life. And I don't just mean on their mistakes and blunders. Just the entirety of how they represent what their character stands for. Especially with how their characters develop as the series profressed. This series stays true because we are only humans who make mistakes just as much as we will make successes from these mistakes. It's the circle of life.

And lastly, it's pure comedic genius work that is woke and hella funny. Kudos to the creators of this show. It sucks that it only lasted 4 seasons. You will love joining these four people in their adventure through life. And I agree 1000% to the series' theme: Females are strong as hell.

P.S. I'm re-watching it again. Feel free to judge. And I love you, Tina Fey

[kinsbin]

Rainy Day Relaxing

Title: Rainy Day Relaxing Ship: Makoto Naegi/Zach [Self Insert/Canon] Word Count: 3089 Summary: A rainy day at college brings Zach to Makoto’s dorm, where the two of them share a copious amount of cuddles, talks, and a lot of kisses. Sometimes the best moods are set in the worst weather

A/N: A commission for @softfuzzyships! Thank-you so much for commissioning me and I’m  always happy to write you and makoto its SO CUTE AND GOOD.

College was less than an ideal place to experience depression.

The system, most would tell you, was a form of self-centered money mongering that provided incentive for education through the fear of student debt should you not be clever enough to truly earn a scholarship or full ride through your chosen class. Likewise, your majors would always seem to make or break your financial career. It was up to the student, those young adults, to take care of everything and anything for themselves in a world that posed the concept of open help but refused it without hours of appointments and the fees to pay it through. For independent people, who were neurotypical enough to handle all of this and still find time to go to the beach on the weekends in an effort to stay active, it was a lifestyle of constant stimulation and enjoyment. They thrived in their freedom and made sure to milk it for all that it was worth until the years of dorms and drinking were behind them and they settled into their cushioned, high paying job with the life and car they always wanted. 

To those less than fortunate to receive the short end of the mental stability stick, well, college was certainly not what they had wanted it to be for themselves.

Zach took a deep breath as they stared out at the campus from under the very edge of the library building they had to use as shelter. The rain that patterned angrily down was unpleasant to say the least, but, the sound was beautiful either way. It echoed off of the concrete like a musical symphony, humming varieties of songs to their ears as they clutched their books between determined fingers and shrunk further into the hoodie they had on. It would be an unpleasant walk back to the dorm halfway across campus to say the least, and the pickings of overhanging building structures to use as in-between dry spots were few and far between. How annoying, they thought with a deep sigh, taking out their phone and idling through their contacts to see if they might escape having to go back alone.

Group chats with their required project-mates for some classes were empty, half-excuses made about having to do something important fading between lines in an unsurprising turn of events that made it hard for all of them to get said project done on time. A text from Nagito revealed that he had gone out with Hajime shopping and now the two were currently waiting out the worst of the storm uptown in a coffee shop, a frowny face accompanying the line of ‘we won’t be home for another few hours, sorry’. 

A sigh echoed from their lips, the cold of the water beginning to soak into their bones. Zach scrolled through the list of contacts, squinting for a moment before finally finding the last of the names they had thought would be available to spend some time with them. 

Makoto’s name was decorated with a few flower emojis, their bright petals causing the boy’s messages to pop out more than others. It helped Zach to differentiate the notes between each of their friends, at the very least, and they appreciate emojis for this reason and many others. Their fingers flew against the keys, the tapping of the touchpad echoing similarly to that of the rain cascading down the sides of the library building. 

‘Hey, ur dorm is near the library right?’

Send.

Zach waited, eyes catching a glimpse of a couple walking past, sharing an umbrella and giggling. They shrunk back on the wall, averting their gaze as the paranoid thought of their discussion being about them threatened their inner monologue, but, was soon pushed away with a satisfying ‘ding’ to represent the arrival of a new message. 

‘Yep! I’m there now, do u wanna come over?’

Zach smiled, their thumbs moving before their mind did.

‘Sure! I’m on my way.’

‘Awesome, see u soon! <3’

‘<3’

Makoto’s dorm building was the one most of the older college kids seemed to prefer, the area close enough to the library to provide ample book supplies for the thesis papers they were sure to need to write and the closeness to about five different coffee and campus store stops ensuring their never ending supply of coffee, red bull, and cheap ramen noodles. They had worked hard for that dorm location, most freshmen couldn’t fault them for that. The trip was a single small trek along the sides of the library towards the building and a quick run across an exposed parking lot to get into the safety of the dorm. 

Zach trailed their way through the halls, locating the room they had known to be Makoto’s, and knocked once. Twice...Three times on the wooden frame. The familiar, arid voice of Makoto calling out for just a moment filled their stomach with butterflies, their face heating up even as they heard the latch unlock behind the door. When it swung open to reveal Makoto, comfortable in a pair of pajama pants and an all-too adorable shirt with a bear on it, Zach felt like their heart was going to jump out of their stomach. The way his hair had been mussed up, clearly from moments of laying on his bed and simply not brushing it that day, made them want to reach out and smooth it gently down. To brush it out of the other’s face and press a kiss to the forehead that was revealed to them.

“Zach, hey!” Makoto’s smile was easy on his lips as he side stepped to let the other in, “You’re really soaked, huh?”

“Yeah,” Zach laughed as they shrugged their backpack and jacket off with a deep sigh, “The rain came out of nowhere...Uh, sorry if I woke you up or anything. I didn’t mean to just-”

“What? Oh, no no-!” Makoto blushed and held up one hand, the other reaching back to rub at his neck with a sheepish grin, “I didn’t have classes today, so, I just didn’t bother changing out of my pajamas or anything.”

As if emphasizing his laziness, Makoto yawned and stretched, part of his shirt riding up as his arms lifted the material, showing the pale and soft skin of his stomach. Zach blushed at the sight, a smile forming on their lips as they chuckled and watched while Makoto fell backwards on his bed once they had both arrived in the room. Rolling over, the boy made room for their partner on the sheets, patting the area with a tired smile.

“Sit down with me.”

“What? No its fine I can-”

“Zach,” Makoto sat up a little, hand outstretched with a patient look on his face, “Come on, you need it. I can tell.”

He could always tell. It seemed to be an ability Makoto had, though for what reason Zach couldn’t answer. It hung like a third eye in the front of his brain, a constant warmth radiating like sun across his smiling face as he waiting patiently for the other to join hands with him. Zach did, eventually, fingers reaching out to touch at Makoto’s own with a slow hesitance. Makoto’s fingers were warmer compared to Zach’s, kept warm by the inside heater and blankets he had been piled under while they were out in the rain running in hopes of getting less wet than they already were. Wet...that was what Zach was worried about. They were wet and cold. They would ruin the other’s bed if they agreed.

But it was too late, Makoto had already dragged them into bed with him. Zach felt their side hit the mattress with a solid whump of pressure, the suddenness of the fall making them yelp in shock as they landed. Makoto’s laugh bubbled up against their side, a beacon of light in the white noise of stress. Zach re-adjusted themselves, smiling awkwardly back as a chuckle of their own hiccuped against their mouth. The feeling of the stress that had permeated their existence since college had started began to dissipate as Makoto moved them both around, adjusting so that their bodies pressed against one another, legs entwining atop the warm covers. Zach felt their hands move on their own, fingers running along Makoto’s waist, gripping it close. In return, Makoto’s hands went to their back, dragging his fingers down their clothed spine and causing a shiver to rake itself down their spine. 

“You’re so stressed,” Makoto groaned at the other in his bed with a wry smile on his lips as he let his fingers trail against the other’s back, “Any more and you’ll just turn to stone with it all.”

“Hell yeah,” Zach mumbled as they pressed their face into Makoto’s warm collar, their eyes shutting as the feeling of their boyfriend caressing their body enhanced their muscles unwinding, “Life as a statue sounds better than finals at this point, so, just make sure I get turned in a great pose.”

Makoto laughed again, giving a gentle tug to Zach’s hair before burying his whole face in it.

The two sat like that for a while, bodies entwined against each other. There was no noise except the patterning of the rain on the windows just overhead, the sound almost romantic as it played in the backdrop of their shared time. Soft words were whispered, usually sweet nonsense to one another or thoughts they both had but couldn’t be bothered to allow serious conversation for. Jokes spoke offered chuffs of laughter. They paused to listen to the sound of others yelling from the outside as they ran through the rain. Zach felt life fade away around them, a cloud of comfort overwhelming their senses with feelings of warm. Feelings of safety as their fingers found the soft skin underneath Makoto’s  shirt, touching it with teasing grip after grip.

Makoto wiggled underneath the touch. Zach could feel him draw a deep, unexpected breath. Their eyes opened up, looking down at the soft, exposed collar bone before them as a wicked idea formed carefully in the base of their mind. They tried their best to hide their grin as they sighed almost dramatically, fingers touching and pawing at the other’s sides before sliding up further and further. Each inch made Makoto squirm underneath them, the boy’s fingers clutching tighter and tighter at the other’s body with every movement. Zach couldn’t help the chuckle that broke their lips, Makoto whining as he too bit back a smile.

“Zaach,” Makoto whined from over them, “What the fu-hhh-ck do you think you’re doing?”

It was said teasingly, but interrupted when Zach’s lips found the other’s soft skin. They began kissing their way around the other’s neck, lips tracing the veins they could see and knew were there. 

“Kissing you.” Was the simple answer, smile wry as Makoto’s breath indicated he had huffed about the words returned.

“You-You know what I mean.”

They did, but, they didn’t quite respond. Instead they took their time to continue kissing Makoto’s exposed neck, biting in spots against the collar bone that they knew would make him squirm. He squirmed and more, gasping in shock and then letting out adorable little whines as Zach let their tongue run along the marks they had just made to sooth them. Their hands pulled Makoto close, their own breath picking up as their mouthing became more and more desperate, more and more needy. 

Fingers came around to tug at the fabric of Zach’s shirt, moving it back and forth with a desperate attempt to convey something. Worry blossomed in the other’s heart as they pulled away, eyebrows knit together with worry. Makoto’s face was warm, reddened with shock and intensity. It was an adorable look on him, for sure, but less adorable when Zach wasn’t sure of the intentions of making them separate. Had they done something wrong? Was this the wrong time? The thoughts blossomed like worry across their face.

“Uh,” Zach tried to find their voice, “Did I do….something wrong or…?”

“No!” Makoto yelled a little too fast, biting his lip before shaking his head, “No...No it wasn’t that it’s more...I wanted to do this before we got too far.”

After saying this, Makoto reached out with a hand, touching Zach’s cheek. Zach leaned into the touch without thinking about it, breathing out with the comfort that the gentle graze provided. Makoto brought his hand forward and, with it, Zach’s face. Zach followed, curious but confused, until their lips met in a gentle lock. The kiss was soft, Makoto’s lips neither dry nor chapped as they moved against their own pair that felt almost inadequate in comparison. If it was an issue, though, Makoto showed no signs of it, for he poured himself into the kiss that was brought forward with the utmost affection. Eyes shut, he worked his lips with Zach’s until one of them, it was hard to remember who, found the courage to part their lips and allow the other’s tongue into it.

The makeout turned messy fast, drool pooling between lips and leaking out slightly as Zach adjusted themselves so that they hovered over Makoto, arms on either side of him. Parting left a gentle string of drool connecting their lips together, each of their faces flushed with a delightful redness that emphasized both their love and skin tones all at once. 

“I just...wanted to kiss you properly first is all, you know?”

They averted their eyes together, the position almost too much as it spoke of something insinuated and initiated all at the same time. 

“Do you…” Zach’s voice was soft, “Want to do anything more than kiss?”

Makoto laughed the nervous, gentle laugh he always did when he was unsure of something. Zach had a fond memory of the first time they had met one another in class, their study group asking questions to which Makoto answered almost easily, math coming to him in a way it didn’t to anyone else in the conglomerate. Despite the answer being right, though, Makoto had been unsure. The laugh he had echoed was soft as he rubbed the back of his head with a nervous unsureness that was fresh in his movements. It was the same laugh as this one. Zach could only hallmark it into the files of the many reasons they loved the man beneath them.

“Depends...on what ‘more than kiss’ is?” Were Makoto’s words, eyebrow raised with a curious challenge.

Zach laughed, leaning down to kiss him again, their lips gentle in their efforts to ease the mood they had both created. “Well,” Zach laughed, “I mean kissing is great too yeah? There’s a lot of spots to kiss? LIke your lips...And your cheeks…”

Their kisses trailed to either cheek, the pecks they placed on them making Makoto chuff out a laugh before they dared to allow their lips lower, lower, lower still….

“Your neck…”

A kiss to his neck.

“Your collar…”

A kiss to the collar bone, each one being peppered and then teasingly bitten with teeth grazing a little to low to be considered kind. Makoto’s body shuddered as Zach felt his hands clutch on their arms, tight in the hopes that it might relieve some of the tension building up between their bodies.

“Your shoulders...and your chest.”

A kiss on the left. A kiss on the right. Lips like fire trailed down to his chest, where Zach found the courage to tug down the already low-rested collar of Makoto’s shirt and press a kiss into the center of his pectoral muscles, tongue flicking out to lick at the skin and causing Makoto to gasp. Fingers found the bed, curling as he bit back a laugh but failed, spluttering out a chortle that made one build up in Zach’s stomach as well. 

“I was trying to be hot!” Zach argued as they removed their lips from the other, a grin managing to meander its way across their face. Makoto was wheezing now, face redder still with the laughing and the ticklish area Zach had inadvertently found.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Makoto apologized, “I wasn’t ready for that!”

Zach collapsed now onto him, their bodies colliding into a pile of warm, bubbly laughter thAt matched the growing pattern of the rain on the shared rooftop above them. Thunder growled somewhere far in the distance of their room, but, it wasn’t able to be heard over their joy. Zach rested their head on top of Makoto’s chest, listening to his heart beat and trying to time their breathing so that it occurred simultaneously. 

Makoto’s hand found its way to Zach’s hair in return, fingers braiding through the strands that it could reach, rubbing circles with the pads of his fingers on the other’s scalp. The massage relieved a pressure that Zach didn’t even know was there, eyes fluttering shut as they relished in the gentle movements of their partner. They took a large breath of air, releasing it with a gentle sigh as they hugged Makoto close again.

“Still want to try ‘more than just kissing’?” Zach wondered curiously, the brief worry that they had, somehow, ruined the moment that wasn’t even quite there to begin with. Makoto smiled down, closing his eyes with a hum.

“Yeah, but, in a bit,” Was the response, warm and patient,”I just...kind of like being like this with you, you know? Calm and...relaxed and stuff...It’s hard enough to get up on rainy days...I like to make sure we’re both okay first.”

“You don’t have to make sure I’m okay…” the mumble echoed from Zach’s lips before they could stop it. 

“Of course I do,” Makoto rebutted without missing a beat, “I love you...after all…”

Zach looked up, Makoto’s eyes warm as the both of them stared on at one another. Blushes heated their faces for a third time that night, but, this time they smiled at each other. Leaning forward, they shared one more kiss before wrapping themselves up in the warmth of one another’s body.

College was stressful, that was certain...but...At the very least, they had rainy days with one another to make up for it. 

[wordyvegan123]

Shame

I am supposed to be listening to the thoughts I feel when I move an object in my home from one place to another as part of the process of clearing I am working on.

Physically I feel tired, dehydrated, dirty, gross. Emotionally I feel embarrassed and ashamed of how I am living, the condition my home has deteriorated to…I feel like a failure. I feel confused and over-whelmed. I don’t know how I got here. When I see photographs of my home where things look clean and put together I don’t understand how I had the energy to get it that way. I wonder if I had more energy then. I can’t remember. I think I must have.

Almost every object I own is stained, torn, broken, scratched or in need of repair of some kind, as are the walls, the floor, the doors, the appliances, the deck, the fence, the plumbing. Since March the toilet and the tub and kitchen sink haven’t drained at all. Before that they were slow and the toilet and kitchen sink would back up into the tub occasionally. To keep myself clean enough to work with the public I wash myself outside. I have to use a camping toilet outside. Only 2 or 3 people in my life know this or parts of it. When I do laundry I have to drain the washer into rain barrels in the garage, but they also leak or get stopped up, so there is a smell of stale water in my garage.

There is dirt and animal hair on every surface and layers of dust. My mattresses are stained. My hardwood floors are stained daily with urine and feces from one of the oldest of the foster dogs who often can’t make it outside.

I spend hours thinking of how I will make it work in the winter, perhaps using the water heater to fill the trough I use for a tub if I bring it in the garage. The garage is very cold in the winter. I will have to bring the camping toilet into the garage and empty it every time I use it outside.

I make far too little money now to afford any repairs and I have far too much shame to allow anyone in to make estimates.

I have mice but morally & ethically I will not kill them so I live with their droppings and urine and they sometimes eat fabric and papers.  Occasionally I catch and release them in a humane trap but there are too many at certain times of the year and I give up. I found a new cotton blanket still in the packaging that they had eaten part of…they have also eaten holes in the plaster in my kitchen so they can get in and eat any food that is out so I have to keep everything in the fridge. The fridge is overly full because of this and I don’t want to eat at home, plus recently my stove shorted out, perhaps there were mice inside the electrical unit. Flames shot out so I had to buy a single burner to boil water and I am limited to cooking with that and the toaster oven.The mice are in the walls and I hear them at night and can’t sleep.

Every time I start to clean I give up. It’s just too much for one person and I work so much and so hard that I need down time when I’m home to recover. I also had a major surgery 9 months ago. The dogs don’t get exercised because I’m so tired, so they destroy things here for fun. I have mattresses that were donated torn to shreds in the living room and on my deck. The dogs have destroyed all my couches so I don’t have one anymore. I bought one on sale and it is still in a box in the yard because it is too heavy to move and I can’t have anyone over to help me. I only want to put in the garage where it won’t be ruined. The only person I will let help me is mentally ill and unreliable. I haven’t seen or heard from him in 6 or 7 months.

In order to have the repairs done I really must be able to move out with all the animals and gut the place. Of course it is impossible to find a place to rent with all these animals. In order to afford rent anywhere I would have to be able to sell my home and rent it out, so it feels like this is my only option. Thinking about the possibility of moving is the only thing that keeps me going. When I was in a relationship I could think about a future where I had a different kind of life in a new place and a fresh start, a tiny home for myself and a heated barn for the animals, land with space, without neighbors with prying eyes. Being in a neighborhood with people so close has amplified my shame. The yard and the fence and the cardboard boxes from the dog food the city will no longer pick up to recycle give a hint of how filthy the interior may be…the backyard has a year’s worth of poop and huge weeds because I have so little energy when I am not working. The neighbor I hate the most can see this from his backyard.

Shame is paralyzing me. The one person who loved me enough to see past all of this is no longer in my life, even though he only helped me financially, not with the things I really needed, regular physical help, even though I told him over and over how loved I feel if people help me with tasks and not stuff. He did help me once with a dumpster rental and getting rid of some larger items, furniture the dogs had ruined or that I had ruined from moving outside to clean and never doing it.. He helped me clean the floors then and that was the last time they were clean, about 7 months ago.

To prove how healthy my immune system is I have not ever gotten sick despite the conditions of my home and I now know how unnecessary it is to shower daily or wash your hair all the time. I know that everyone in my life would be absolutely shocked to see how I am living based on how I look when I walk out the door and show up to work.  It makes me so empathetic to others in my situation, what they are carrying with them every day, how they  carry on despite all of it, the anxiety tearing at them when they have to go home, instead of feeling a sense of peace.

The only peace I get is from constant self-work, re-assuring myself, the unconditional love of the dogs, seeing them still healthy and happy. They are the reason I got here, spending everything on their feed and care while the economy tanked and my employment opportunities shriveled to nothing. Taking in special needs dogs has been so rewarding at the same time that it has depleted all of my resources. It has made me a far better human being. I am committed to keeping them healthy and safe from harm and making a life for myself that is more peaceful and rewarding.

I am exhausted by working for people who pay me so little for so much hard work. If I had a different situation with work I would not be in this situation to begin with…this makes me want to leave New Mexico and go somewhere with a better economy. I desperately need to lower my expenses and increase my income to get out of this hole I am in. I have been in this hole scratching to get out for almost a decade. I can’t spend the rest of my life like this. I feel it is now or never that I make change happen in my life.

I cannot imagine how much energy and creativity I will have when I am no longer scratching to get out of this sinkhole. My mother talks about stability I will need later in life, but I feel like my life has not even begun yet and change is what will make my life happen, not resignation and stagnancy.Continuing to live like this would eventually kill me. I have no doubt.  This sense of urgency is what gets me out of bed to go to work every day. It is what makes me keep trying to learn how to clear the emotional space that will allow me to clear my physical space, it is what drives my creativity to find a better situation and a new income stream and a simpler existence where I will no longer have to rely on selfish people who use people to make themselves rich.

I feel a tremendous need to prove myself to myself, that I am not this house, this mess, this pit I am in. I want to feel a sense of pride again and that my home will be a reflection of a new me I am building.