#I DIDNT KNOW YOU WROTE FICS

[saleeba]

fool ; jude bellingham

summary ♡ betting on the phenomenon of unrequited feelings, you and jude have never dared to make the first move with the other until a reunion forces new questions to be answered.

pairing ♡ jude bellingham x fem!reader

content ♡ 18+, smut, friends to lovers, alcohol consumption, cursing, kissing, both jude & reader are pining idiots, fingering, p in v sex, marking, missionary, unprotected sex (jude pulls out but still pls practise safe sex!!)

a/n ♡ she's baaaack :D but first☝🏽alexa play fool by nct 127 !!!! the lyric "you’re a goddess but i’m a fool, what should i do?" was written for this fic in particular i just know it was :] anyway hehe this fic is based off this request so tysmm to anon for sending such an exciting prompt !! i hope yous enjoy 🫶🏽💗 WAIT P.S this isn’t proofread bc i lowkey am not rocking with it so i didn’t wanna put myself thru having to read it again & again … im sorry for any mistakes :’)

you had just gotten off work to a stream of relentless texts from your best friends’ groupchat — phone pinging off the rails whilst you were on shift, muffled buzzes from your bag making you wonder what on earth was worth blowing up in that whatsapp group on a random friday afternoon.

on the train back home, you tap open the green app, anticipating yourself easily spending the entire journey catching up on the three hundred-plus texts from your closest mates. you decide to start right from the beginning of the influx, thumb scrolling nonstop and eyes blurring from the rapid movement until they focus back on the screen where you stop, finally having reached the destination of the first text that set it all off. 

it was from none other than jude bellingham, and you were nearly embarrassed by the way your face instantly lit up upon reading his message. the groupchat’s golden boy had popped up after weeks of minimal contact, asking if he could take everyone for a night out tomorrow to make up for it, stating that he finally has some small gaps of free time between hectic pre-season schedules to allow him to do so.

it honestly warmed your heart that the first thing he wants away from football is to see you all. you’d been a band of good friends since the first year of secondary school, contact not necessarily strained as you all had a lot of love for each other but rather unspokenly reduced after leaving school two years ago and falling into busy university or career ventures.

instead of scrolling through to read and react to the plethora of follow-up texts after his, you ignore them and jump straight to typing your reply to his invitation, casting aside that nagging voice asking you: doesn’t that seem too desperate?

no, right? i’m just accepting his invitation, getting straight to the point, the convo ended half an hour ago anyway. you’re arguing with yourself now, feeling the need to give unnecessary excuses to nonexistent accusations. if you were to be honest with yourself, you were always self-conscious of the way you behaved around jude, even now debating on whether to add your signature heart emoji or if it’d come across as you trying too hard given your feelings for him; albeit them being feelings that no one knows about, not even him. you made sure for it to be that way.

with a mental note to get over yourself, you send an affirmative ‘i’m up for it!’, signature heart included, and quickly shut off your phone. heart beating so rapidly, you scolded yourself for getting so worked up over a mere reply and for definitely not getting over yourself. god knows how you’re going to handle seeing him in person. 

a sudden double buzz from your device does nothing to calm you down, instead dampening your hands with sweat when you grab it and see a pair of messages from him.

jude 🌟: heyy i’m so glad you can make it tomorrow :)

jude 🌟: can’t wait to see you!! ❤❤

he had messaged you separately for some reason and he had included two hearts… the overthinking starts for you again, without even beginning to think about what to reply this time, and you question why he couldn’t have just replied to you in the groupchat or why he couldn’t have just left the end of the messages with a ‘x’ like he usually does or why he would even say what he said in the last message. mind frantic and unable to clear itself, you thank yourself for having your read receipts turned off so you can have your mini meltdown without worrying about jude knowing you’d seen his messages multiple minutes ago. god, you were down so bad. 

you force yourself to open the messages app and send the most casual reply you can type.

you: can’t wait to see you too! ❤

you try to keep it short, sweet and nonchalant even if your fingers are itching to type more – more about how much you had missed him, more about what he was planning to wear tomorrow night so that maybe you could match your own outfit with him, more about your true, unfiltered feelings for him. it’s pathetic really; you hadn’t seen him in two years and the first thing you wanted to do was throw yourself at him, spilling all the secrets you’d been holding close for so many years. you leave it at that, put your phone on do not disturb mode and head on home, waiting for the long hours of friday evening to pass and saturday night to arrive.

***

and so saturday night rolls around and you just about finish touching up your makeup and smoothing out your dark blue dress before the doorbell rings, and you’re whisked away to the club by a couple of your girlfriends. 

as soon as you step your high heels into the building, you’re met with the sight of flowing booze and the noise of noughties r&b beats bouncing around the brightly lit walls. dragged by the hands of your friends, you find yourself standing next to a booth at the back of the club, the rest of the group now welcoming you latecomers with a loud cheer.

“finally, girls. you took your time!” one of your male friends remarks, ushering you all to sit down.

“oh god, what have we missed?” you beam, trying to scan the group amongst the strobing lights to catch a glimpse of the person you were really there for. 

“nah, you’re just in time because… first round’s on mister madrid!”

the callout breaks your friend group into a raucous holler as your gaze fixes onto the six foot-one footballer who stands up with an amused grin and a sigh of feigned defeat. your heart quickens and your smile turns into a state of near disbelief over how good jude looks right now – graphic white t-shirt hugging his biceps in all the right places and hanging over a pair of smart-casual black trousers.

“yeah, yeah, anything for my groupies,” he winks at no one in particular but your brain almost convinces you that he was looking at you while doing it. you send a shy smile his way just in case but what he says next has your mouth running dry. “help us out, will ya, y/n?”

you hesitate for a second too long for your liking, stumbling over your words while your friends peer at you. “uh… uh-huh, yeah, of course.” you answer as quick as you can, standing up on your feet slowly as to not trip over your now-shaking legs and send yourself flying into jude, and to avoid embarrassing yourself more than you think you already have.

he responds with a grateful smile and you follow him to the bar where he places an order for a round of drinks and some shots to be delivered to the group by the two of you. there’s an odd unfamiliarity to the silence between you both and you realise that you aren’t normally this quiet around jude, and neither is he around you; you would always joke that he’d be eligible to talk for england if he wasn’t already playing football for them. he’d retort with a comment about how his ears could almost fall off with the amount of chatting you do, and you’d dryly reply with a ‘well, they’re too big for your head anyway. look at the size of them!’ the pair of you were always as thick as thieves in the eyes of everyone else. which is why you didn’t expect it to be like this, especially after two years of not seeing each other – there was so much you wanted to catch up on from his world and so much you wanted to share from yours. you decidedly gain some courage and take the initiative to spark some conversation, get something going at least.

“soo, how have you been, then?” you’re both facing the bar, your head barely tilting in jude’s direction to indicate that yes, it is him that you’re talking to and not some random like he assumes you are with the way you’re positioned away from him, eyes just about turning to steal a glance of his figure but not to hold eye contact. “how’s la vida española?”

jude finds amusement in your sudden flaunt of the spanish language, a smile breaking out on his face, unseen to you since he’s still facing the same direction that you are, preoccupying his eyes with the myriad of bottles on the shelves while his mind searches for an apt reply.

“yeah, it’s been great, i think i wanna stay there forever,” jude laughs, his fingers tapping on the black surface of the bar. you can’t help the selfish feeling of your heart dropping at his confession. “i miss you, though, y’know… a lot.” 

this one confession forces your whole body to turn itself towards him, eyes now chasing after his to seek some form of sincerity, to see if he was just messing about or if he really meant what he just said. he shifts his head to face you now, a bashful look painted onto his features. the expectant silence says it all really; of course i mean it. 

you gulp and decide to break the quietness with a sarcastic, jesting “ugh…”, jude’s face dropping at what he thinks is genuine disgust from you. you realise your attempt to denounce the awkwardness has backfired.

“oh my god, you dickhead, i’m joking,” how is it that mere moments ago you were shaking at the sheer real-life presence of him but now you’d transformed into having this confident playfulness? and all of it without a drop of alcohol in your system as well – you’re quietly proud of yourself. “i missed you too, jude… a lot.” you coyly repeat his words. 

upon your turn of the confession, the bartender sets down your drink orders and the two of you wordlessly carry the trays over to where your friends are situated, the silence way more comfortable now that you’re both basking in assurance, unbeknown to the other that your hearts were racing at a hundred miles per hour.

***

not even two hours and an innumerable amount of shots later, you’re all a drunken mess; definitely not a surprise to a single one of you. what is a surprise is the way you’re strewn across jude, right leg wrapped around his left, head on his chest, swirling and sipping from what’s clearly an empty glass to any sober, sane person. you grumble and mutter a complaint about the lack of liquor in the booth, taking it upon yourself to head to the bar and order another round for everyone.

“i’ll come with you,” jude announces over the pounding of the music, standing up so quickly that his next five steps are staggered and he has to cling onto your arm to steady himself. “i’m fine, i’m okay.” he assures nobody that asked.

the two of you stumble your way into the path of the bar, determined to drink until the sun comes up and forget every strand of stress until the hangovers come knocking. jude’s soft grip on your arm has you being led in the opposite direction all of a sudden, though. 

“uhm, where are we going?” you question, head still turned to where the bar is located, about to ask him if he was so hammered he couldn’t walk in a simple straight line to get to where you’d planned to go. “jude?”

he’s silent, save for humming his way to his desired destination, and you question if he even knows where he’s leading you. before you make the choice of going along with him or leaving his clearly confused self to go cop your next cocktail, you find yourself in the disabled toilets, pushed up against the sink with the door not even shut properly, gasping at how rough jude is handling your body compared to his soft touches from before, and how close his face is to yours, warm breath fanning the skin of your lips. you weren’t strictly against it all but how the hell have you ended up like this? The alcohol and the questions come at you fast, dizzying your brain but you can’t help but feel so keenly anticipative.

“i’m sorry, i just…” he pulls away from you, eyes fluttering closed so he can re-evaluate his actions, exhaling through his nose as if he was letting go of all doubts before continuing. “am i okay to do this?” he places his hands on your waist, pushing himself back into your space, his full lips more or less about to take yours. you have to refrain from letting the effects of alcohol take over your tongue and uttering back with a breathy ‘you can do whatever you want to me’.

instead, you answer with an earnest, eager nod, inviting his lips to finally do that one thing you had been dreaming of for so long, to kiss yours so silly that they’re left with the imprint of him. and jude does just that.

his mouth takes in yours so determinedly, shyness and hesitation now long-dissolved feelings for you both as your hands find home around the back of his neck, pushing his head further onto you, feeling the need to taste him more and more until you’re both consumed by each other. 

it’s a messy makeout, noses bumping and teeth clashing, but it’s oh so hot, the way he gasps into your mouth from breathlessness and pleasure, running and gripping his large hands over the material adorning your waist and hips as the need to rip it off you nearly overtakes him. to you, he’s so utterly intoxicating that a gallon of alcohol would pale in comparison to how dizzy his skin on yours makes you feel. 

you release a moan at the meagre thought of jude all over your body, and he takes the opportunity to slip his tongue over yours, filthy noises of wetness and carnality from the both of you reaching high pitch as jude somehow simultaneously pushes you against the sink and pulls you against his chest, his manhandling of you getting you even more hot and bothered before you’re both interrupted by the hub of people passing by and huddling right outside the bathroom, their self-occupied shouts and cheers dragging you out of the bubble that the two of you had wrapped yourselves in, almost sobering you up on the spot.

you push jude out of your way, gentle but abrupt, and give him a look of apologetic regret. “i-i’m sorry,” you say, jitterily walking past him and exiting the room without a second glance or word, heading straight to the booth where your friends are hollering and hurraying, occupied with shot-drinking contests. 

your girlfriends offer to go home with you when you lie and tell them you’re not feeling very well, but you decline them, instead telling them to have fun on your behalf and letting them know that you’ll try to text them once you get home safely. you can tell they’re confused by your shaken state and the absence of jude but you grab your bag and make your exit before the interrogation can even begin to brew.

you manage to grab a taxi back home, surprised by how competent you are despite the alcohol in your bloodstream and confusion in your brain. on the way there, you can’t stop the bouncing of your knee nor the racing of your psyche, asking yourself how and why whatever went down with jude went down like that. you curse at yourself for being so impulsive in starting and finishing the whole ordeal with him in the way that you did – you don’t know if it’s the empty, depressive drunk thoughts or just clarity from the whole jude thing that makes you feel like there’s no coming back from this at all. you feel like crawling into your bed and never coming out from it ever again. 

the taxi driver has to call for your attention multiple times until you reach earth again and pay him the journey’s fee. you go skulking all the way up to your front door, only letting out a breath that you feel like you’ve been holding since the beginning of the night once the door shuts behind you.

the rest of the night is quiet and orderly for you, telling yourself to not invite any more chaos into your brain and to simply drink some water and to go to sleep. waking up tomorrow morning is going to be painful in more ways than one.

***

you spend the rest of the weekend nursing a ferocious hangover and a frazzled heart, only contacting your friends to tell them that you got home fine and to joke that you probably need a century or two for this hangover to be gone. you thank the high heavens that they don't bring up the topic of you and jude 

you try not to think too much about jude, you really do, but sunday night has a couple of taps landing you on the instagram app and you learn that he’s already back in spain, pictures of him in training sliding across your phone screen on his story along with selfies with his teammates. usually, you tap that small red heart at the bottom and hope that he sees it amongst his millions and millions of notifications, a tiny ritual of yours that now has you feeling so pathetic that you don’t dare to do it anymore.

running a hand over your weary face, you set your phone down and opt to nap the night away, finding comfort in the non-intrusion from your friends and the no contact from jude, hoping to keep yourself busy and distracted with whatever the work week brings.

a ring from the doorbell rips through your flat just as you’re organising your pillows, forcing you to stop what you’re doing and ponder who could be at the door on a sunday while the clock ticks some minutes past one o’clock. you don’t recollect ordering any food nor are you expecting a delivery, especially not this late. 

trudging your way to the front door, you open it to find jude bellingham standing there and you feel an instant pang of regret, wishing you had peeked through the window to see who it could be, wishing you had pretended to not be in, wishing the ground would open up right now and swallow you whole  – anything to escape the confrontation that you’re now having to face. your face heats up with embarrassment and nerves but you manage to rupture the silence before your mouth can turn dry. 

“j-jude, hi,” you try and keep your greeting as polite and cordial as you can, even when all you really want to do is to chase him off your doorstep. “what are you doing here?”

your query has jude visibly gulping, hands fiddling with each other as he attempts to hold eye contact with you, his vision a bit blurry from exhaustion. “y/n… sorry, can i come in?”

you oblige, holding the door open wide before you guide him to the living room and invite him to sit down on the plushness of your sofa, settling yourself on the opposite end of it. you silently prompt him to say what he came here to say with a nod of your head. 

“uhm, i’m sorry for turning up unannounced, and so late…” ever the courteous. “i had to sneak away from the lads and catch the last flight to here so it was all a bit down to the wire.” he lets out a small, uneasy laugh.

you cut off his rambling with a curt “what do you want, jude?” you don’t mean for it to sound so rude but you still hold the attitude of wanting to get this over and done with, already feeling annoyance at yourself for even letting him into your home. 

“right, yeah, i actually wanted to talk about what happened on saturday,” he goes back to fiddling with this thumbs, eyebrows furrowed but he avoids looking at you this time. not that you can blame him because your own vision shifts to anywhere but his direction. “i’m so sorry for making you uncomfortable a-and please tell me if this is inappropriate, but i haven’t stopped thinking about last night, i haven't stopped thinking about you, i-i’m sorry, i know this is all so silly and you probably don’t even feel the same bu-”

you stop him right there, this time with good reason as you can’t bear holding back your real emotions, not when he’s practically given you the green light to spill the contents of your heart.

“no, jude, i didn’t feel uncomfortable at all,” you assure him, gaze now on the footballer in front of you and you almost can’t believe the words leaving your mouth right now. “i wanted it to happen, i’m glad it happened, you know, i think i’ve had dreams about it happening,” you try and offset any tension with a timid chuckle before turning quite pensive. “i really like you, jude, i have for a long time… god, sorry, this is so embarrassing.” you return to making light of the situation you’ve put yourself in, the timidness sinking back in as quick as the relief lifts you up. 

jude moves closer to your now-cowering body, knees touching as your heartbeat surges with worry and self-consciousness all wrapped up into a tight, miserable ball. he puts his sweat-dampened hands into yours and squeezes in silent assurance before raising them up to his lips and laying a chaste kiss on the heated skin.

he can’t help but break out into a sweet smile, eyes threatening to crinkle at the edges. your face is still sketched with tension and now confusion has joined the mix.

“i can’t tell you how long i’ve waited to hear that from you, how much i needed to hear it,” your eyes meet his, widening in surprise a little. “i’m a fool for not telling you sooner… i like you, y/n, i really like you.” he repeats your own words back at you, leaning in with a smattering of amusement dancing in his vision. 

“can i kiss you?” the question leaves your lips faster than you can even process it in your brain.

jude wastes no time in replying with a firm pressing of his mouth on yours, deepening it within seconds, the need to cement his feelings for you being told through the way he cradles your head in his hand, leaning you back onto the arm of the sofa to further intensify the kiss. your lips move along with his, the soft weight of his body pressed against yours making you whine into his mouth in ecstasy.

he lifts off of you with a puckering of his swollen lips, the both of you taking the chance to draw in some air and attempt to regulate your breathing pattern.

“please take me to the bedroom,” you beg, breathless from the sheer sight of his dark eyes and pretty pout. there’s no fight nor denial from jude as he picks you up and prompts you to wrap your legs around his waist, quickening his pace once you point in the direction of your room.

he lays you down on the bed so gently, lips latching onto yours once again before they travel down your jaw and over the warm skin of your neck. the light touch of his fluttering eyelashes married with the pressure of his soft lips has your head spinning, hands tentatively laid on top of your sheets since you don’t trust yourself to not grab his head and bring it back to your lips. his fingers tinker with the waistband of your pyjama trousers, stretching it off your skin before he asks permission to peel them down your legs. 

once they’re cast away in some corner of your bedroom, jude divides your legs by the underside of your knees, tucking himself into the now available space between them, turning onto his side and resting on his left forearm. he leaves a small kiss over your covered cunt and you try your best to not just clamp his head in between your thighs and smother him with your growing wetness here and now. 

“need to get you ready, baby,” the sudden mention of the petname has you throbbing, squirming even more when he traces a line from your clit down to where there’s a small damp spot forming on the dark material of your underwear.

“jude, please,” you whine out, lifting your hips in a desperate bid to get the boy to strip your lower half completely. 

he shushes you in his own charming way, making sure to comply with your demand by getting up onto his knees and discarding your soaked panties in a matter of seconds, the cold air generated by his large hands whipping them off you hits your exposed pussy, making you hiss through gritted teeth.

jude returns to the gap between your spread legs, sitting back but still on his knees, his higher position causing you to shift onto resting your body weight on the palms of your hands in order to peer at his actions – which start with him re-tracing that same teasing line from your aching clit to your hole with his thumb, the feeling now so intense on your unclothed skin. he hums in what sounds to be satisfaction when you throw your head back in pleasure, taking it in his favour to slip his index finger into the tightness of your pussy. 

you release a guttural groan at the feeling of finally having some part of him inside you; you of course don’t want this to be the only part but you’re still so very grateful, so fucking grateful he’s now rubbing at your clit in delicious rounds, thumb tracing circle after circle while his fingers form a pair, pistoning in and out of you so easily due to the way your cunt douses itself with every move of jude’s. 

“fuck, baby,” jude moans at the sight of his soaked digits every time they barely pull out of that pretty pussy, his thumb torturing your sensitive bud increasingly so, the cries and whimpers spilling from your lips an incentive for him. “feel so good and tight around my fingers, can’t imagine how you’ll feel around my dick.” 

his words have you absolutely reeling, writhing against his hand to try and chase that moment of release. 

“please, jude, i’m so close,” you’re warning and demanding at the same time, almost begging him to not stop or even think about moving his fingers out of you. “god, please, i need it,” 

jude suddenly retracts both of his hands, leaving you bare and empty. “no way, baby, need to have you cumming on my cock or not cumming at all,” he comments with a shake of his head, denying you the opportunity of leaking your cum over his hand. upon seeing your bewildered face, he makes up for it by putting on a show of licking your juices clean off his fingers, the digits popped inside his mouth and dragged right back out with a low moan, him praising the way you taste. 

“move up the bed for me, angel,” he orders, watching you while he stands up and unclothes himself as quick as he can. you scoot backwards, legs still spread open like they’ve been locked in that position, before pulling your oversized t-shirt off of you, chest void of a restricting bra . “good girl,” he praises, crawling up to hover his body over your laying one, cock in hand as your legs come to wrap around him. “are you still okay with this? we can stop at any point, okay?”

the sincerity of his voice has you melting. some would remark that the bar is in hell for you but the truth is that you hadn’t been with anyone like this for more months than you could count on your hands. you've been touch-starved and lacking words of affirmation for so long, and you needed something to be only about you for once. 

“i’m more than okay with this,” you smile up at him, nodding to make your approval fully known. “and yes, i know i can stop you if i need to.”

jude reciprocates the same smile before leaning in and smothering your lips with his, pushing his cock into your tight wetness, so tight that your pussy almost pushes him back out, not used to being penetrated by something so thick.

“oh my god!” the feeling of tightness/fullness has you both gasping out the same thing at the same time, erupting into quiet giggles when the two of you realise your matching reactions. 

jude’s mouth finds its way back home in the embrace of your lips and you swear this is heaven, the way his cock slides in and out of your sopping cunt, set at such a perfect pace, the slight friction causing you to grow even wetter – the filth of it all contrasts so well with the sweetness of his muffled moans and tender kisses on your neck, moving down onto your collarbones and tits.

a particularly harsh thrust of his cock has your back arching, chest pushed up to his heated face, and he takes this golden opportunity to wrap his lips around your erect nipple, spending a good while sucking and tugging on the skin around it. you’re amazed at how his cock doesn’t relent inside you, the speed still so quick and consistent even when he’s so occupied in painting splotches on your tits with his mouth.

“there,” he pants out, pulling his head back and marvelling at his own creation. “now, there’s no doubt that you’re really mine.” the smile he gives you is a killer.

you whine at his declaration of you belonging to him, scratching at his shoulders and calling out his name to indicate that it’s all too much for you, that you’re so, so close to cumming on his cock and really giving him what he wants rather than pleasing yourself. you figure that’s you gone now; you’re more willing to put the boy above your own needs because you’re down that fucking bad for him.

“fuck, jude, i’m gonna cum!” you sob, your moans becoming more frequent and higher pitched, legs starting to shake from the intoxicating mix of exhaustion and delight. you’re frantically chanting “please, please, please” into his mouth which parts to swallow your whimpering, wet lips kissing your trembling ones. 

“go on, baby, cum for me, cum all over this cock,” he groans out, eyes squeezing shut when the feeling of your pussy clamping down tightly on his thickness proves too much to handle, face finding refuge in the crook of your neck. he knows you don’t need his permission, he would’ve let you orgasm as many times as you wanted to, would’ve let you use him like your own personal sex toy, but the words were only there to keep you going when his hips felt like faltering – he needed you cumming on his cock like he promised before, and he wasn’t about to fuck it up himself.

a final scream rips from your throat as you cum hard around jude, pussy clenching and pulsating around his cock so sporadically you thought you were having two orgasms at once. jude can’t handle it anymore, pulling out with a myriad of moans as he pumps his shaft with a hand, decorating the expanse of your lower abdomen with warm, white liquid. you’re still squirming, slowly trying to wheeze out the remaining whimpers from your lungs which you’re finding hard to do with the way jude pants and moans above you, the boy so spent he can’t help but breathe like he hasn’t had access to air for the past hour.  

he flops down by your side, arms and legs sprawled like a starfish, chest rising and falling as he attempts to recuperate from the mindblowing sex you two just had. the image is so unserious that you can’t stifle your giggles but you decide to take another step of courage to lay on your side resting your head on his shoulder, fingers stroking his abs and playing with the curly hairs of his happy trail. 

the room is quiet now with the scent of sex wafting through your nostrils on occasion but it’s the most comfortable silence you’ve experienced with jude, the feeling of his hot skin on yours so soothing to you.

after a period of panting, jude clears his throat and your ears prick up at the presence of sound. he turns his head towards you and you lift yourself up and off him out of instinct – you want full attention on him.

“i don’t want this to be a one-time kinda thing, y’know,” he proclaims, biting his lip from saying too much in one go.

“what, is this your way of saying you want round two already?” you joke, nose crinkling at the way he rolls his eyes playfully.

“shut up,” he delivers a poke to your side. “i mean, well, i don’t want either one of us to see this as a spur-of-the-moment thing, i just…” you look at him expectantly, silently telling him to continue. “i want you to be my girlfriend, y/n.” 

you’re nearly knocked back by his words, wondering if they’re real or if you’re simply just hearing things. you thought dialogue like that, coming from him, was only reserved for your imagination, kept secret and only spoken to you in late-night mental scenarios that would comfort you on your way to slumberland.

you let out a laugh that’s an odd mix of relief and disbelief, quickly replying “yes, yes, of course” to his awaiting face, which releases a look of relief itself before jude captures your lips with such passion you’re both knocked back onto the plush pillows, giggling into each other’s mouths until your hands find themselves running down the defined muscles of his abdomen and over his hardening cock.

[tizzymcwizzy]

HEY YOU!! I HAVEN'T POSTED FIC IN A WHILE BUT I JUST REMEMBERED I HAD THIS FINISHED ONE SHOT FROM A YEAR AGO I FORGOT ABOUT

here's the link to read it on ao3

it's a post rocketear 5.8k one shot with an original character akuma that's just a vessel for me to do some Adrien character exploration

also some art for it from a year ago

[yeyinde]

i can't talk right now. this fic just changed me fundamentally as a person and now i feel like a hollow shell of my former self.

[makotonaegiunderstander]

something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.

“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”

[infernal-lamb]

i’d love to hear more about neves if you’re comfortable sharing :Dc

its so funny to get asked this knowing that I can't reveal too much about Neves without spoiling a bunch of things from my fic, despite that I would love nothing more to spill all her lore......what I CAN tell you is that she was sent to the Lands of the Old Faith for a very particular reason and she's kept safe by the Lamb for a reason too. She comes from a pastoralist/agrarian upbringing and spent the entirety of her life in this profession (hint hint). Livestock, land cultivation, and the demoralizing poverty in a society that does not value such work and considers it a degrading role for outliers! you know, the usual. She talks like a farmer and a butcher, which is how u get silly stuff like THIS happening when she's getting to know the Lamb and their Flock:

(She's talking like a butcher here, which obviously is off-putting for the Lamb, mostly because they can't quite gather context, and she does....make a lot of jokes like this but. She's just human you know!)

Neves is firm in her convictions and is stubbornly attached to the idea of her own righteousness. She's just too smart to be misled.

She believes herself above indoctrination, of course.

She has too much wit

too much rebelliousness

She would never be a victim! That's Neves for you :) She'll survive the horrors.

[jout--jout]

every now and again i think of that ghost!laudna au where she haunts imogen’s home and interacts with her as if she were alive and waits for imogen to come home every day and then i cry a little

[kateis-cakeis]

Thinking about the structure of the Old Religion.

From what we know there's the Nine which refers to the High Priestesses of the Triple Goddess - powerful sorcerers who obtained immortality (unless killed by some form of magic), and performed important rituals of the Old Religion.

It is unknown if there was a High Priest equivalent, but Gaius in S1Ep13 does tell Merlin that "the High Priests have the power to mirror life and death". This suggests that perhaps there were High Priests of the Triple Goddess, and that they also had a Nine.

There's the Bendrui, women who failed to become part of the Nine. Just like those who eventually became High Priestesses of the Triple Goddess, they were chosen at birth for the priesthood - taken from their families and raised as initiates of the Old Religion. Despite their failure, Bendrui are practiced in potent magic, and appear to have above average gifts.

There's the Bloodguard, warrior priests who swore to protect the High Priestesses. They, like the High Priestesses, were the only people to ever set eyes upon the staff carved from the Rowan tree that grows at the very heart of the Isle of the Blessed.

It could be suggested that like the Bendrui, the Bloodguard could have been failed High Priests, but there is no evidence (other than the existence of the Bendrui, and the mention of High Priests) to truly suggest this.

It is also unknown if the Bloodguard served the Triple Goddess. It is possible that the priests served various different gods of the Old Religion, but due to their relation to the Nine specifically, it is likely these warrior priests served the Triple Goddess.

There's the Catha, which contains priests. (Alator is referred to being "of the Catha, warrior and priest", he also says "I'm a Catha priest").

It is unknown if they served the Triple Goddess, or a different god of the Old Religion (and we know they are priests of the Old Religion because Morgana says, "He's a Catha...priest of the Old Religion.").

They have their own language, however, suggesting that they are a unique culture, and perhaps even an ethnic group. (This is further supported by Alator saying Catha are trained from birth to master all physical pain, it is also said that they guard their ancient knowledge - which leans towards them being a people rather than just initiates of the Old Religion)

There's the Disir, the highest court of the Old Religion, made up of three women chosen at birth to be trained as seers and soothsayers. They are the mouthpiece of the Triple Goddess, and interpret her word. As Gaius says, "When they sat in judgement, their word was final". They pass on the runemark, which is both judgement and fate - it contains a person's guilt, as well as the path the gods have chosen for them.

There's the Druids, a peaceful people who worship the Old Religion and often possess magic. It's a part of their beliefs to help people in need of care, and therefore, those who weren't born a Druid can find a home amongst them (Morgana is one such example).

Moreover, the Druids look for children with the gift of telepathy to serve as apprentices (perhaps to keep them safe? perhaps to encourage their magic in childhood?). The Druids also have a tattoo of a triskelion somewhere on their body, perhaps as a part of a ritual (to indicate someone has become a Druid?).

While the Druids have an intimate knowledge of prophecy and destiny, especially regarding Emrys and the Once and Future King, they do not appear to be priests or priestesses in any form. Just like the Catha, they have their own language (called the Druid tongue and Druidic Runes by Gaius), therefore, it is possible that they too are a unique culture and/or an ethnic group.

There's the Isle of the Blessed, a sacred location of the Old Religion, said to be the centre of it, and the focus of its power - it is also where the power of the ancients can still be felt after the Great Purge. Artifacts such as the Rowan staff, the Cup of Life, and the Horn of Cathbhadh were kept there under the care of the High Priestesses. Furthermore, Morgana's healing bracelet was forged on Isle - suggesting that its power allowed for the creation of powerful artifacts (this is further supported by the Rowan staff which was carved from the tree that grows there).

In a deleted scene for S4Ep1, Morgause says when she was first brought to the Isle, the hallways were teeming with women - High Priestesses. Although it is said often within the fandom, canon never establishes if the initiates were trained on the Isle. This deleted scene, however, heavily suggests it.

There's the Caerlanrigh, a sacred spring within the Grove of Brineved. There, the Disir reside within a cave, where the spring feeds into an ancient pool - in which the Disir divine from. The old ways are at their strongest there, and it's at the very centre of their powers (whether Gaius meant the old ways or the Disir here is unclear).

There's the Cauldron of Arianrhod, a sacred site of the Old Religion. The lake contains the power of the White Goddess, who can be summoned to heal those affected by the Teine Diaga ritual. However, if such a person is tricked into entering the cauldron, their soul would be lost forever.

There's the Crystal Cave, said to be the birthplace of magic. It is filled to the brim with scrying crystals that show the past, present, and future. Taliesin used the cave as the source of his prophecies for the kings of old. And as much as the crystals can be controlled, they can force visions upon powerful sorcerers too.

The cave can also hold spirits within it, seen with both Balinor and Taliesin.

While this may have been the case for Merlin alone, the cave can restore a person's magic.

There are celebrations important to the Old Religion too, such as:

Samhain, a time of year where the people feel closest to the spirits of their ancestors, in which they celebrate their passing.

During Samhain it was traditional for the High Priestesses to gather on the Isle of the Blessed and perform a blood sacrifice to release the Dorocha. This was done on the stroke of midnight, when the veil between the worlds is at its thinnest.

Since the Dorocha do not roam free in the world throughout the series, it is suggested that a second blood sacrifice was done by the High Priestesses - perhaps before the night was through - to close the veil once more.

In Camelot, a feast is held as part of the celebrations. (This suggests that while the Old Religion and its practices were abandoned during and after the Purge, the heart of the religion and its holidays were never replaced).

Beltane, a time of year where the High Priestesses would gather at the Great Stones of Nemeton and summon the spirits of their ancestors with the Horn of Cathbhadh. It opens the door to the Spirit World and allows the person who blew the horn to see and speak with their ancestor of choice.

In Camelot a feast is held as part of the celebrations (which much like Samhain seems indicate that the Old Religion has been around for so long that it cannot be removed from society entirely - that the people clung onto some traditions, including the royal family).

There's the Gods of the Old Religion, the Triple Goddess, the White Goddess, and Nemaine. It could be implied that the White Goddess, and the Earth Mother Nemaine are part of the Triple Goddess, but it is just as likely for them to be separate gods.

If so, the Triple Goddess is heavily associated with the Nine, destiny and fate, and the immortality of certain sorcerers. Perhaps she is also associated with the balance of the world, due to the power over life and death being tied to the High Priestesses and supposed High Priests.

The White Goddess, however, appears to be associated with one's soul and healing. It was only her power that could heal and retain Gwen's soul after Teine Diaga ritual.

The Earth Mother Nemaine is related to Gean Canach, as it is said her tears forged the creature. The book Gaius reads from has more information, and from what can be deciphered, it says that Nemaine first wept at the slaughter of war, resulting in the Gean Canach crawling out of the Earth's belly (there is more written on the page, but it is impossible to tell what it says). This suggests that Nemaine lives within the Earth's core, and that she is indeed associated with nature and living beings as her name implies.

Furthermore, since she wept at the slaughter of war, she is perhaps the god of life itself, but not of the entire cycle. And due to the Gean Canach's abilities, to devour and drain a sorcerer of their magic, it is likely that this war's slaughter was brought about by magic.

It is possible that The Earth Mother Nemaine could be related to the Pool of Nemhain. Despite having different spellings in the show (the subtitles), they have extremely similar pronunciations (even if it is a bit different). Perhaps they are unrelated, but if they are one and the same, it could be suggested that the Earth Mother is connected to death as well as life, due to the pool being the last of the Five Gateways to the Spirit World. (This contradicts what is analysed in the above paragraph, but this post is meant to speculate multiple possibilities.)

Honourable mentions:

It could be suggested that the Quest Ritual was once part of the Old Religion. It includes the heir to the throne of Camelot transcending their body in order to receive a vision of a quest. This quest is meant to prove their worth to the people, and their worthiness of the throne. The heir prepares themself by cleansing their body and dressing in white robes. They spend an entire night kneeling on the floor, barefoot, with their eyes closed.

Due to how Arthur reacts in the morning when Uther pulls him out of it, and how sacred the entire process appears to be, it is as if the heir is actually gifted with a vision of a quest. This is supported by his reaction, as he looks dazed when relays what he has seen. Therefore, it seems as if the ritual includes some form of magic due to the preparation, and if so, then it's likely it was a practice of the Old Religion (specifically for the heirs of Camelot? Due to Camelot's association with the very heart of magic?)

It has been around for hundreds of years, so it is not outside the realm of possibility that the Quest Ritual is so old that the general consensus has forgotten its ties to the Old Religion, or much like Samhain and Beltane, it is perhaps so baked into society that it couldn't be abandoned.

--

In S1Ep13, Merlin says that the "Old Religion died out centuries ago". Even in Series 1 this is far from true, but later seasons make this remark seem entirely ignorant. If anything, this sentiment comes from a post-Purge society, where the structures of the Old Religion no longer exist. Perhaps it is even propaganda that Uther pushed forward as people became more fearful over the years, turning away from the old ways despite once practicing such beliefs (and for the people of Camelot, still practicing some of those beliefs).

It is possible this was a retcon but if so then it's directly retconned in S1Ep13 when it's revealed that Nimueh is a High Priestess.

Anyhow, in response to Merlin's ignorance, Kilgharrah says, "The Old Religion is the magic of the Earth itself. It is the essence which binds all things together. It will last long beyond the time of men".

This shows that the Old Religion doesn't just refer to the religion and the gods, but rather it is the very magic that makes up the fabric of the world, and as Balinor says in S2Ep13 it's either a part of you or it isn't. This suggests that it is indeed not just a religion, but the very world, the Earth, magic.

He also goes on to say that Merlin must "find those who still serve it", which shows that Uther very much didn't succeed in eradicating the structure of the Old Religion entirely, at least at that point in the show. And perhaps that anyone could serve it, even after the very structure collapsed.

All this is to say that the Old Religion is extremely pagan. The structure itself is vague perhaps because Old Religion is personal, it is vague. The differences between the High Priestesses, the Catha, and the Druids make this clear. Following the Old Religion's beliefs, traditions, and holidays is personal and spiritual because it varies, because there is no wrong way. Because there are no set rules or a real structure at all. The High Priestesses had power, yes, but this seems to come directly from the Triple Goddess herself, rather than a societal standing.

Nimueh was at court, and she was Uther's friend, but she was also very quickly thrown from the court after Ygraine died. And yes, the High Priestesses went to war with the Ancient Kings, but that appears to be a difference in factions, rather than let's say the Christian church and its power over the centuries.

Therefore, I propose that the Old Religion as a religion was loose in its structure, that it never died out like Merlin said (which does seem to be a post-Purge sentiment), but instead simply changed and evolved, and continued to exist even after the Purge, with its holidays in Camelot, and with the Druids and their practices/beliefs.

-----

Overall, the information we have on the structure of the Old Religion is vague and patchy. This was perhaps intentional so the writers could work around existing canon to introduce new concepts without being constricted by their past worldbuilding. But that's getting into the Intentional Fallacy, so I'll leave that there.

It appears that the High Priestesses had the most power in society, due to their past wars with the Ancient Kings, and their sheer power and knowledge. Not to mention their artifacts and control over creatures like the Fomorroh.

But there are different beliefs and structures to the Old Religion, like with the Catha and the Druids, suggesting that there are multiple ways to worship and follow the Old Religion.

The many sacred sites show that there are different powers and sources to the Old Religion that have different purposes. Like how the path to the Cauldron of Arianrhod was lined with banners for pilgrims, not to necessarily summon the White Goddess, but to visit the site. Or how the Isle of the Blessed is a powerful religious site, while the Crystal Cave is a fairly legendary and unknown place that few ever get to see.

In conclusion, the Old Religion is vast and has many facets to it. There is some structure, but it doesn't seem entirely necessary in order to follow the Old Religion. And in reality, it is inherent to the Earth, it is magic itself.

[scionshtola]

FFXIVWrite 2024 Prompt 1 - Steer

pairing: Corisande Ymir/Y'shtola Rhul rating: G | word count: 854 words notes: some rodeo au to start us off :> Part of Y'shtola's first day on the ranch

“Is this really necessary?”

Y’shtola looked down from her seat in the saddle—were horses usually so tall?--and met Corisande’s friendly gaze. Their arms bracketed Y’shtola, one hand still holding the reins and the other resting on the horse’s body behind the saddle, which made her feel somewhat more secure.

“You’re working on a ranch, miss,” Corisande replied. “You should know how to ride a horse on your own.”

“Are there no other ways to get around the ranch?” She had seen several pickup trucks on her way in this morning. Surely they were just as capable of getting them around the property.

“Riding’s the easiest. Besides, the Haillenarte’s own a lot of land, and some places you can only get to by horseback. With all the research you talked about doing on grounds, Miss Rhul, I know you’ll want to see them.”

Y’shtola narrowed her eyes at them, and only got the same friendly smile in return. But the sincerity of their expression, framed by soft red fringe and two braids that hung sweetly in front of their shoulders, and their polite but firm insistence on referring to her as “miss”--which, to her surprise, she found rather charming—set her at ease. 

The appeal to her work on the ranch grounds did not hurt, either, which Corisande seemed to know, as she held the reins out to Y’shtola before she had given her assent. Y’shtola took them and squared her shoulders.

“There’s no need to worry, Pepper is a sweet horse,” Corisande said gently, patting the horse’s flank. Her black coat was flecked with a yellow that glinted in the sun. “She’ll do most of the work, once you learn how to steer her.”

For the next forty five minutes, Corisande taught her exactly that. She showed Y’shtola how to hold the reins properly between her fingers; how to guide the horse into a turn by opening her arm in the direction she wanted to go, keeping the other steady to avoid drifting as they walked around the paddock; how to use her legs to do the same. 

“I think you’ve got the hang of it,” Corisande said the next time Y’shtola pulled Pepper to a stop at her side. She gestured for Y’shtola to follow her across the paddock on horseback, opening the gate and letting them through. Y’shtola watched as she loaded a few small bags onto Pepper’s saddle, before taking Y’shtola’s own backpack and slinging the straps over her shoulders. “I think you’re ready to see the whole ranch now.”

Y’shtola only had a moment to feel satisfied at how quickly she had learned before Corisande pulled herself neatly into the saddle behind her, her hands politely on Y’shtola’s waist as she settled in.

“We’re to share?” Y’shtola said in surprise. “Don’t you have your own horse?”

“This is my horse,” Corisande replied, her amusement evident in her tone. 

Y’shtola fought the urge to roll her eyes, even though Corisande could not see her. “You know what I mean. Why did you teach me to ride, if you were going to ride with me anyway?”

“It’s a good skill to have out here,” Corisande said. “What if something happened to me, and you needed to get back for help on your own? Cell service isn’t particularly reliable out here, you know.”

“Do you anticipate becoming incapacitated? Is there perhaps another, more competent hand to guide me in your stead?”

“You ask a lot of questions,” Corisande said. That the statement was not itself a question, and that they sounded far more amused rather than irritated, strangely pleased Y’shtola. 

She pushed the feeling to the side before she answered. “Yes, I do.”

Corisande laughed, and the gentle sound of it in Y’shtola’s ear brought a slight smile to her lips. 

“You learned to steer a horse at little more than a trot. For now, if you want to see as much as you can today, it’s best you let me take the lead. If that sounds alright to you, miss, then we will be on our way.”

Y’shtola couldn’t argue with that—she had been able to make her way around the paddock with no assistance, at a speed that would not take them very far around the property. And now that she had gotten over her surprise, she could admit to herself that Corisande’s earlier point was equally valid—it was good to know, in case of an emergency.

“It sounds fine to me,” she acquiesced, and relinquished the reins to Corisande. 

Their hands brushed hers for a moment, a warmth in the touch that did something strange to Y’shtola’s stomach. She tried not to think about it, but with their arms around her, she had no choice but to lean into their chest. With unfortunately heated cheeks, she realized she was very aware of all their points of contact. Their chest to her back, their legs fitted together, their biceps framing her waist. 

When Corisande nudged the horse into motion, Y’shtola took a steadying breath, willing the warmth in her face to fade, and let her guide them to their destination.

[rebeccabobecca]

I don't mean to vague, but also, I do mean to vague.

5 year olds talk in complete sentences.

I read a fic recently, which was pretty good, but I could not finish it because the two 5 year olds we saying "me hungie" and "I no wan" and other shit like that. I get that some of yall don't interact with children, but there are resources! Babies learn language by mimicking the adults around them! If you're not saying "me hungry", they're not going to say "me hungie". Also, unless the child has an actual speech impediment, by 5 years old they can properly pronounce their phonetics. They can say hungry instead of hungie (I've never heard a child say hungie, even when they were legit learning to speak) and uncle instead of unkie.

5 year olds are in kindergarten, learning their numbers and letters, and how to share, and communicating with their teachers and peers! I've been having conversations with my niece since she was 3! She could speak 3 word sentences at 2! My niece is 5 and she is staring to learn to read, and we've been reading to her since she was born! She might not understand why language works, and were still correcting her on some things, but she is speaking real words!

If you haven't spoken to a child recently, and you're writing a fic that involves small children in speaking roles, watch a youtube video with a small child in it!

[probayern]

btw wrote a whole fic after watching that video where seb calls lewis the goat. because surely they're just trying to get each other's attention at this point. right. (it really mostly ended up being about something else but. for anyone who's interested. posting here)

[baconcolacan]

All ships involving tom are lucky, its just Tom who’s not/hj

Side eyeing Regimen rn

WAHAHAHA I think that really only rings true for Regimen

[flowersfortheghost]

HELP I FOUND OLD GHOSTFLOWER FICS FROM WHEN I WAS A BABY IN THE FANDOM

GOD THIS SHIT IS ACTUALLY TERRIBLE😭

[innsjovide]

huge pet peeve of mine is if you kill off a beloved character in fanworks (or like. actual works if its the canon story) or even suggest it, no matter what narrative significance this might have on the story being told, you'll suddenly be flooded by a billion people being like 'NO U CANT KILL THEM THEYRE IMMORTAL THEYLL LIVE FOREVER THIS IS WRONG'

[sxf-rarepairs]

Hello can I interest anyone in Heymann/Vides (the two dudes who are Yor’s coworkers in the cruise ship but they’re civilians) I love them so much and they only appear in this one arc (so far!)

omggg tbh! to be very honest!!! i thought about it briefly, and thought about searching for them but was like. nahhhhh idk if i'll find anything. (foolish! silly! i underestimate the power of fandom!! im honestly gonna go down the list of characters in sxf on the wiki or something and sift through as much as i can hehehe, but that's another conversation)

ANYWAYS i love this idea, my brain is already goin in all sorts of directions. 👀 they have a whole day to themselves on that cruise after all! they go gambling together! heymann hits the jackpot! vides loses terribly!! heymann can take him out for drinks to comfort him, or something adfkj they're a little drunk and spend the night together and well. what happens on the cruise ship stays on the cruise ship 🤫 (or so they say, they cant stop thinking about their time together when theyre at work, eyes accidentally meeting and blushing..) OR one follows the other to their room and he's like ugh this is MY room/bed but he's too drunk and passes out and he's like ugh whatever *just shares a bed anyways*

i totally went off on a tangent whoops but yeah they have lots of potential!!

[kareofbears]

hand of god, deliver me

Wednesday hated summers. Will continue to hate summers.

Her phone vibrates. I’m outside! :D

But it’s possible she started hating summers a little less.

--

Or, Wednesday and Enid spend the last day of summer together.

Read on ao3 or below the cut

Wednesday hated summers.

Winters are her preferred season. She prefers long, flowy fabric that covers as much of her as possible. She prefers the cold, likes the way air tastes when she steps outside, the way it clings to her like shedding skin, flimsy but present. She loves the dark—loves the way the sun has already set by the time she leaves her classes, loves the shadows the trees cast from the flickering street lights above her. Love the way it makes the hair on the back of her neck rise when she realizes she can’t see more than a block in front of her. Loves the effect it has on people, makes them nervous, makes them crazed.

Summer has none of these.

Even from inside her home, the sun had managed to squeeze its way through the black-out curtains and light up the living room in a way that makes her eye twitch. She sits on her family’s piano bench, idly touching the monochrome keys. Her black skirt is comforting, though it makes the back of her legs sticky with sweat. Air conditioning is a push of a button, but there’s something sickening about the faux-chill. The way it snakes around the room, flowing into her lungs, suffocating her. Even sweat and body odor is preferable to that.

A bird sings from outside the window—a robin with a sonorant throat. Wednesday digs her nails into the keys, the sound clashing together unpleasantly.

Wednesday hated summers. Will continue to hate summers.

Her phone vibrates. I’m outside! :D

But it’s possible she started hating summers a little less.

She stands, swipes her phone off the table before sliding it into her pocket, and heads out the door silently. No need to call out a goodbye. Her parents always know when she’s left the house.

Down her driveway, standing in direct sunlight, stands Enid, sporting a smile so wide that Wedneday believes that she’s physically incapable of replicating it. Only in the span of a few months, Enid had grown an inch taller, increasing their height gap even further.

The first thing that she says is, “Your hair.”

“Huh? Oh,” Enid touches her hair, almost shy. Instead of the pink and blue, it’s now red and green. “I figured it’s time for a change. Do you like it?”

Wednesday tilts her head to the side. “It’s festive,” she says eventually.

“It’s August,” Enid reminds. “It’s not supposed to be festive.”

“Then what is it supposed to be?”

“A change?” she shifts on her feet. “Something different, I guess.” Glancing at Wedneday, her eyes warm. “I considered black, believe it or not.”

Wedneday’s mouth twitches. “I find that hard to believe.”

“I didn’t go through with it, now did I?” Their eyes are still connected, and her heart thumps as though she were terrified. As though there was something dangerous nearby that can chew her up, spit her out, with only her bones remaining left to remember her by.

She blinks. It’s only Enid. Enid in her bright sundress, with pink shades perched on top of her head like a nesting bird, who’s taller now but doesn’t make Wednesday feel smaller.

“Let’s go before we miss the bus.”

—

It has been a very long time since Wednesday had used public transportation.

It’s surprisingly pleasant, despite the air conditioning. Other than the two of them, only the bus driver and an elderly woman were onboard, allowing the two of them to sit in the back without any interruption. Thankfully, Enid lets her have the window seat.

Enid chats, and chats, and chats. She doesn’t talk of monsters, or Outcasts, or killings, or mysteries. Instead, she talks about normal things. Teenager things. About what she did in the past two months, about a book she’s reading, about a shirt she knitted halfway through before giving up because she suddenly got sick of the colors. How she went to a farmer’s market a few ago and complained about how the mangos were underripe but the avocados are overripe. Embroidery is her new passion, she says.

Wednesday stares outside the whole time, at the blue sky and the flower fields that pass by, silent. She’s enjoying the one-sided conversation, strangely enamoured by her fluctuating voice and gesticulating hands. It feels like everything that happened the last school year was a hallucination, a dream turning fuzzy the moment you wake up only to be forgotten completely in minutes.

This, however, is the realest she’s felt in a long time.

“What’s this?” Enid asks suddenly, and she feels a gentle finger on her wrist, stroking the new silver chain there. “Are you liking jewelry nowadays?”

“A necessity. It’s embedded with Onyx stones.” She tilts her wrist, this way and that, vaguely enjoying the glimmer. “It’s expensive in case I need to sell it for emergencies. Or bribery.”

“It’s pretty.” Enid’s hand traces the stones one more time before pulling away. “It suits you.”

For a second, Wednesday considers letting her wear it, even if it was just for a moment. An heirloom to the Addams, one that dates back centuries and carries history that even she herself isn’t sure about. It was supposed to be an honor to wear this, unthinkable for outsiders to even touch.

Then her eyes flicker to Enid. Her high cheekbones and pale hair, the purse of her lips—a childish habit she has when she’s thinking deeply. The way she caresses Wednesday’s wrist like it would wither under her fingers, her nails painted a bright lilac. It’s as if she’s the color that shines through stained glass windows in a cathedral, unrelenting and vivid and filled to the brim with stories to tell.

Wednesday pulls her hand away. “Are we almost there?”

Enid jolts, hands scrambling to find purchase on the call button. “Oh my god, I almost forgot.”

Soon, the both of them tumble out of the bus, Enid still rambling about how she funny it would have been if they had to backtrack in the hot summer, although Wednesday isn’t quite sure what would be so funny about that.

As they make their way to the small town, she glances at Enid’s wrist, unburdened by Onyx stones, and nods to herself. The idea of shackling Enid to the Addams is sickening enough to make her nauseous, no matter how temporary, fill her stomach with lead and sink her to the bottom of a lake.

Her family can try and take anything of Wednesday’s, but not this. Never this.

—

The village resides at the mouth of a nearby river, buildings old but sturdy in a classic European way. It’s small and quaint, a fishing village that had overtime been reinvented as somewhat of a tourist hub, with small stores and market stalls scattered across the premises that creates an atmosphere similar to a renaissance fair. A combination of students, locals, and out-of-towners roam around, the last few days of summer encouraging everyone to soak in the sun and make up for doing nothing the past few months.

Wednesday feels her brows furrow, but instantly smooths over her expression. Still, Enid peers closely at her. “It’s the crowds, isn’t it?”

This time, she doesn’t bother hiding her grimace. “Don’t watch me so closely.” Her heart rate is spiking again. Instinctively, she scans for a danger that isn’t there. “It’s a fruitless effort to try and read me.”

Enid’s expression turns cocky. “I think I just did, actually, but we don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to.” She links her arms with Wednesday’s and takes them down a back alley. The whole path is shrouded in tall pine trees, creating a walkway of shade and cool air. “I had a feeling it would be like this, so…” she shrugs. “Let’s walk the road less traveled.”

They spend the day like that, entering shops, peering at clothes (Enid), enamored by the spiders that crawl through the flower beds (Wedneday), browsing through books (Enid and Wednesday). The whole time, their arms stay linked. Whenever she tries to pull away, Enid would tighten her grip, whining. It would be too easy to yank her arm out of the way, but she’s slightly, abnormally, inexplicably charmed.

Her heart beats quicker, the fear getting stronger, but she doesn’t mind it.

She doesn’t mind any of it.

—

The last shop in their strip is a thrift store.

Wednesday sits on a bench just outside the dressing room, legs crossed as she waits for Enid to finish changing. So far, she’s gone through military uniforms, Victorian era gowns, and cheerleader.

“This better be the last one, or I’m leaving you here,” Wednesday murmurs.

“Ha!” she hears a snort. “As if you know how to bus home.”

Frowning. “I do know how to bus home.”

A blonde tuff of hair peeks out from behind the curtain as Enid grins at her. “It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone, rich girl.”

Wednesday rolls her eyes before standing up to stretch, letting her gaze wander around the store. Shelves of useless junk next to racks of ugly clothes. No wonder Enid loves this place.

She lets her feel take her to the glass cabinet, the lighting dim but just bright enough to let her peer inside. As she expected, most of it is worthless. Colored plastic, sterling silver, scratched up gems on rusted bases. She’s about to turn back when something glints at her.

Eyes widening, she leans down, sucking in a breath. There is no hesitation in her voice when she says, “Excuse me, how much?”

—

The bus ride home is quiet.

There are a few more people riding with them, but it seems they’re all just as tired as they are. With the sun setting, everything is bathed in a warm orange light. The temperature had gone down to something bearable, so the bus had opeted to let the windows roll down instead of relying on the air conditioning. She closes her eyes, enjoying how the wind rustles her hair gently.

A weight slides onto her shoulder. Wednesday turns carefully. Enid had fallen asleep on her, chest rising and falling in even breaths, gently jostling along with the bus.

Eventually, carefully, so, so carefully, she reaches into the pocket of her skirt, pulling out a pale, pearl bracelet that she puts on Enid’s wrist.

She watches her for a long time. Watches how the sunset makes the pearls shine in an entrancing way, how the color is so unmistakably Enid.

In a moment of bravery, or more accurately, stupidity, Wednesday intertwines her fingers with Enid’s. In this angle, it’s impossible not to notice how the Onyx bracelet from earlier is gone—replaced, instead, with a black pearl bracelet of her own.

Wednesday Addams is not stupid.

She isn’t quite so stupid as to believe her own thoughts. She isn’t quite so stupid as to believe that this is something as juvenile as a friendship bracelet. She isn’t quite so stupid as to believe that what she’s feeling all this time was fear.

Was it fear that causes her heart to race? Her mouth to twist into a smile? Her chest to feel like it’s going to explode? To change her mind about something she hated because the girl sleeping on her shoulder expressed a liking to it?

Wednesday Addams is not stupid, but she is a coward.

Maybe it really is fear. She’s scared enough to wait until Enid was asleep. Scared enough to use the words she’s never afraid of using. She’s scared to want. Above all, she’s scared of the scale of her want. But what she’s truly afraid of is something that doesn’t dare even name. She isn’t ready.

Absently, she squeezes her hand around Enid’s, praying she doesn’t stir. The hand tightens in return, and the head on her shoulder only seems to relax further, the bracelet’s strapped around their wrists clinking together.

She isn’t ready.

Wednesday lets her gaze slide back to the window, and appreciates the warm air of summertime.

But maybe someday she will be.

—

Enid lies in bed, staring at the pearls on her wrist, other hand gripping her phone, Wednesday’s contact open, unsent messages by the dozens clogging up her screen.

i love it. why didn’t you wake me up?

i love the color, but why didn't you get me black? i told you I'm starting to like it more as time goes on

i love seeing you, i had so much fun

summer can’t end soon enough. roomies for life!!

how do you feel about summer?

i love you

I love you

I love you.

She tosses her phone aside, shoving her face in her pillow.

Maybe someday.

[courfee]

just went through all my ao3 fics and edited all the tags because i feel like i overtag a lot and it always bothered me. tbf the most overtagging happens in my relationship/character tags but i find it super difficult to judge who/which relationship is important. like friendships are So Important in my fics i dont feel like i cant tag less there? especially my longer fics. amtc james&sirius and black brothers are in my mind at least if not more important than literally amtc jegulus. i know its a jegulus fic but also jegulus is just the catalyst for other relationship dynamics. how do you tag that stuff