#I also fucked up my eating schedule
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every night I consider pulling an all nighter, already going to bed too late to not be tired in the morning
#anyways sorry to anyone who possibly sees this#doesn’t help that I utterly fucked up my sleep schedule over break#staying up till 4 am by accident the past 2 nights#also doesn’t help that the thought of going yo sleep is making me anxious ~again~#I shouldn’t be complaining it was much much worse last semester#I also fucked up my eating schedule#and I’ve only been having like 2 meals a day#so now I’m hungry late at night but I also don’t have the drive to make food#plus I’ve already brushed my teeth so I can’t eat anyway#thinking about hopping onto mc#but that’d probably just make it worse#or tire me out faster and force me to sleep#I should probably schedule a second therapy appointment to actually sort this out maybe#see I have no issues with naps#I hate napping but falling asleep like that doesn’t stress me out#it’s the fucking going to bed at night that makes me nervous#and I hate it cause I need 7-8 hours to run at (near) full capacity#but noooo I somehow can never force myself to bed at a fucking reasonable time#also I’ve started actively seeking out fanfiction again#which is always a sure sign that things are gonna go downhill
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OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever
#jrwi fanart#cw blood#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#arthur bennett#OUHH THIS ONE WAS SITTING IN MY WIPS FOR SO LOOOONGwhen i took it out there was mould on it :sob:#BUT i think i was able to fix it up okay#i keep seeing SO MANY MISTAKES RRAAAHHH BUT YOU DONT SEE THEM RIGHT?? THATS ONLY ME. RIGHT?? EXACTLY.#THE KEY IS TO SAY. AND REPEAT AFTER ME. 'FUUUCK IT WE BALL#so anyway. arthur bennett huh? grizzly says that arthur is reaal fuckin difficult to play. and i SUPER get that. i mean LOOK AT HIM..#grizz often needs a minute to think abt what hes gonna say in a way that matches w that Stoic Personality. which is FAIR but also that#ends up making way for awkward confrontations like: the lady in the parky lot. he took too long to answer and scared her away.& I LOVE THAT#arthur is tragic and sad and cool and stoic but hes ALSO awkward and silly and kinda dumb and short sighted. HE HAS COMPLEXITIES#I LOVE WHEN TTRPG CHARACTERS HAVE A GOOD SET OF SHORTCOMINGS. ESPECIALLY WHEN U FIND THEM ONLY AS U PLAY THEM.#I COULd go on and on saying the same things w different words abt arthurs intriguing and entertaining character but i shall spare u. for no#ILL ALSO MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS FLAVOR THO.. I LOVE TALL HOT BOY WHOS ONE W THE DARKNESS.. I REMEMBER WHEN HE FIRST MENTIONED THE#BADLUCK. N I WAS LIKE OOOHH THATS WHY HIS DESIGN IS SO COOL N CHAOTIC N ASYMMETRICAL. HES UNLUCKY!!! i love love love his design so much...#GRaaauruguguraguhhghghgh what else what else is there for me to spew on abt...i think im reachin a limit here..OH MAGNUS. i hope that#we get to know more abt how magnus and arthur met.. like How they became besties... ouuhh... I ALSO WANNA KNOW MORE ABT MARY DAVIS. LIKEHOW#he also apparently spent alotta time in a zone dominated by edward twilight? all he remembers is constant partying? I WANNA KNOW MORE..#i think i got room 4 one more ramble SO. THE ART PIECE.as i said its gone a lil stale BUT. im still very proud o the bits where hes allScar#I WANNA SEE HIM GET SCARYMORE. I like the idea of shadows solidifying to make him strange and eerie.like TEETH n CLAWS n SPINES n YESS#also the SILVER EYES.no1 does silver eyes like the show Claymore. they make em look so striking and eerie...i also like to think that#human arthur had deep beautiful brown eyes.just in my beaitufl heart.i mean look at him..i wanna cook him n eat him.ANYWAY#i think thats all my ramblin for this piece. now i gotta go cancel a single day i had ata hotel bc my work schedule change last minute FUCK#feel free to ramble in my tags aswell tho i read all of them and i chew on thenm and i love them so sos os mcuh
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Woke up from my little power outage nap and couldn’t even manage to eat a full box of macked cheese, grad school will fuck you up for life kids, do it at your own risk.
#my stuff#i don’t like to admit it but i’ve developed a complicated relationship with food#i’m a rational person i know food is important and i feel hunger and when i do i want to eat#but due to the hassle of meal prep and my tight finances i basically only eat one meal a day at the end and use coffee to power through#often until like 6pm#which i know is not good in a general or transition sense#and when i was first starting to fall into this pattern i would eat A TON at night to make up for it#but sometime during my grief in march n april i developed#a psychological difficulty with finishing food. like executive dysfunction and insecurity hoarding combined#and also i sometimes get nauseous midway through eating#or rapidly feel full after being doubled over from hunger cramps and then hungry again an hour later#and above all else it’s annoying bc its subconscious or physiological and it makes it hard to overcome#and even if i was provided 3 meals a day i’d probably struggle to stomach eating that freq in any significant amount#i feel like when my stomach is empty it tries to quasi hibernate until last minute and then goes ravenous#much like me emotionally but that’s a different tag rant#anyways another complication is ‘sleep for dinner’ right when i get home which fucks up my eating AND sleep schedule#all this bullshit when i’m a scientist who has taken metabolism classes and knows my body is getting wrecked from this#so i’m guilty as fuck abt it🙂↕️
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i'm at the library and i should be studying but holy fucking shit i am so eepy . god show mercy on my soul and let everything explode so i don't have to take these stupid exams and i can go home and sleep
#🧅#i want to SLEEP#i even got plently of sleep today but fuck im so tired lately i judt wanna nap#i can't DO THIS SHIT !!!!!#three more months. three months.#i've gotten to that point where it doesn't Matter if i sleep plenty because every day is so TIRING and also my schedule is so fucked up that#i sleep and eat at the most random hours i just want this to be over
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i really truly genuinely cannot go one (1) day without wanting to die
#ripppppppp#I'm just...... so tired of doing nothing. bc I'm unable to get anything done#and I'm so mad at myself all the time. now I'm mad for fucking up my sleep schedule even more#and mad for not turning on the boiler before showering and waiting too long to eat and not getting anything done today and#this is exhausting but i don't know how to stop#ik you gotta forgive yourself in order to stop loathing yourself but i can't even forgive other people that i don't hate 😐 so#also ik if I'm being too nice to myself my ego gets out of control and i become mean or cross boundaries#and if i hurt anyone in an avoidable way i will just hate myself more so it's kind of a cycle i simply don't wanna get into#ugh I'm rambling again. sorry#vent
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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am i allowed to have not great teeth if i just ask really niceys
#re: my teeth theres one specific part of my gums between two teeth that sometimes gets really oof ouchie and im worriedddd#for the past . idk man few months? longer? ive been making sure to floss well every night#i KNOW i should be flossing in the morning or probably more accurately sometime after lunch however i cant do either bc#i don't have time in the morning but really actually maybe i should make time . eegh .#and i cant floss after lunch bc my eating schedule is fucked and i dont actually sit down and eat everything at one time#wish i could! but alas my fucked up eating schedule related to my job#anyway maybe ill start flossing in the morning too idk#im just so . eugh . i have a dentist appointment in a little over a month from now#and im supposed to get x rays which i already am Dreading bc theyre so Awful for me#but im worried theyre gonna find that ive got gum issues or something and like good god man i dont want surgery#also knock on wood i dont think this will happen but im hoping i don't find out i need my remaining wisdom teeth pulled or anything#dont wanna go through that again but oh well just more pinpricks in the tapestry of life. but ive gotta say my hand is sure hurting
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Trying to get ahead of an unsustainability cycle that might be starting up this week,,, (I start work).
#this turned into a bit of a rant whoops#mypost#have been chilling recovering from breast reduction the last month#steadily helping my mom out around the house more and more#but neow imma be working a ~35hr week (not including commute times during rush hour rip)#starting tmr#and I’m remembering that 1) it takes me more time to shower bc I have to be careful with boobz. also I have to wash my bra every night bc da#scars can’t get infected. so the whole process of showering is connected to also washing and drying my bra and putting on lotions n such so#it takes an hour minimum#2) doing stuff for my mom… is always spontaneous and urgent and takes up more time/energy than I think#3) my mom is bad at food stuff on a personal level and that’s transferring to the household bc a lot of stuff including a) she’s hella busy#and stressed. b) the price of food 💀keeps goin up ayoo. c) she is restricting herself to only eating twice a day??? idk why????#d) she also considers a meal to be anything she throws together no matter how unbalanced/nontasty it is#e) I’m also so bad at cooking/meal prep/etc but lowkey have a Thing abt food rn and cannot eat random junk even if I’m v hungry#. all this to say: idk how to do my household duties (communicating with mom. nightly dishes. small stuff that builds) when I have a feeling#imma be hella hungry this whole week.#WAIT I FORGOT THO IMMA BE MAKING MONEYYYY 💰 💴 💵 so I can pay for lunch at work ayooo#((not thinking abt budgeting atm lol 😬. I’m fortunate enough to have a 529 plan for college so semester times are all g)#4) I’m also doing two coursera courses atm (personal finance for young adults and Good With Words) …. I will prob not be able to get much#done in these courses when I have a full week rip#5) I gotta prepare for abroad (applying for visa. dealing with large government structures 😭😭😭) and in general attend to my emails#all dis. hmm#oh and also personal upkeep: gotta order eczema lotion. gotta get in contact with doctors abt leg and jaw PT. gotta follow thru with PT.#falling behind on a productive schedule while balancing my moms needs and my needs and my long-term health/personal project stuff is gonna#be difficult…#hm#writing this out is. hm.#all g all g I am a young adult I gotta handle this stuff now 🧑#great freedom = great responsibility and all that shiz#FUCK I FORGOT I HAVE TO EXERCISE TOO FUCK!!!! DANG NABBIT
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Starting pride month with the pharmacy denying me my testosterone prescription until mid-June and my doctor saying she can't do anything about it because it's a controlled substance 🙃✌️
#i should also add that it's been a week of trying to get her respond to the messages#'hey i don't want to be off my t for a month'#[full day of silence]#'sorry i don’t know why you can't get your refill but i can't do anything about it'#i am going to lose my mcfucking mind#that's not to mention a long argument where my now former friend#because they're one of those 'trump and biden are both equally bad' people who's planning on just letting trump take power again#because they seem to think that you can boycott a high-level politician in a critical election like it's a fucking soda company#for someone who used being communist as a justification for it#they sure have a very capitalist perspective on politics#i also couldn't fall asleep until literal dawn this morning because i forgot my sleep aids#and then when i did fall asleep i had a solid hour of nightmares#and tw for neurodivergence-based disordered eating for this next one#but my brain hasn't let me eat much of anything all day because it's not 'the right food'#it also will not tell me what 'the right food' is#anyways pride month is off to a pretty shitty start#OH and work changed my schedule from working mids to working primarily night shifts without telling me#and my ortho's advice for my wrist fucked it up a lot more and she hasn't responded to my email from a week ago#i'm fucking miserable#if you need me i'll be playing stardew and listening to sad gay music#personal#vent#rant
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one of my managers triggered my ocd so bad and now i feel like everyone at work secretly thinks i am a horrible person and i want to quit and i know it’s not real but like!!!!!!
#jtext#like she’s the one that steals our cash tips#so i shouldn’t give a fuck anyway#like this was a vague but passive aggressive message left#in the schedule app that had multiple concerns#it didn’t put anyone on blast or anything#but it was a bunch of stuff that were not previously established as rules#and she searched all of our lockers#so now i won’t take my stuff into work anymore#only my car keys in my pocket#i don’t even want to speak to her anymore im so fucked up abt her touching my things in my locker#like i put an expired piece of cake in my locker which we were allowed to do#but she took it out of my locker and mentioned it in this post#and it just wasn’t a rule before lol#the other managers would literally pass them out to us#or take them home too#actually she said no food at all in lockers and i still had other food that i bought in there#anyway now i feel like a glutton for taking expired cake that was going to sit down there and go bad#my coworkers were even stealing soup and eating it at the lockers just tonight#but i still feel so bad lmfao jrekndmdbtnend#also she literally didn’t say anything to me abt it#and posted it WHILE i was working my 2nd shift#so i felt like a clown bc she didn’t let me know it was a rule or anything
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I’m addicted to the grind (I doordashed for three hours this morning after only sleeping for four hours and now I’m contemplating abandoning my nap to go doordash for like. Twelve hours.)
#if I follow the dinner rush into the midnight rush into the early morning I already have scheduled into the breakfast rush. I could make#like. at least fifty bucks tonight#definitely more than zero which is what I’ll make if I nap thru the dinner rush 😭😭😭#girl help I like money and I like having it and getting things I’m sorry!!! I like it!!!! I want things and stuff and food!!! 😭😭😭😭😭#I’m pmsing so bad I want to cry over everything but I also just want to make money and feel like my mom is proud of me#that she sees I’m trying and working and I’m not a piece of shit and I’m worth something good (she has said nothing negative at all to me in#months why am I so scared that I’m a failure by her imaginary standards she doesn’t even force on me anymore)#anyways. haha. gonna take another hit and then nap fuck money I’ll wake up at nine or then take a shower get dressed put away my clean#laundry eat a bowl of cereal then doordash from midnight to as long as I have orders to fill
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me fasting during ramadan// : i dont even feel the hunger anymore. i will fistfight god and i will win
literally any other time: sickly victorian child. bedridden. probably crying
#i cant do makeup fasts even directly before/after ramadan//. or the ones dispurced throughout the year i am too week 😭#at least its eid// tommorow. i get a day off school :)#psii.txt#fasting mention#ex muslim tag#ex muslim#do yall have this problem? personally any amount of fasting fucks my entire eating schedule for months after. it sevearly fucks me up#also if anyone has interesting plans for eid id lve to hear about it 👀. get some positivity in this mother fucker
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Song of the Day: April 15
"Something in the Way She Moves" by James Taylor
#song of the day#it's been two weeks + two days since the last song of the day#the issue is you see that I started the songs up again in December because my insomnia was fucking up my perception of time#and I wanted some kind of regular marker to help me keep track#and then what happened two weeks + two days ago is that I lost all track of time and subsequently the songs of the day failed#I'm gonna see if I can keep up again for a bit now that I've re-restarted without an alarm on my phone#but if I miss any this week I'll just give in and turn the alarm back on#updates from the last two weeks are going to sound so chaotic let's see#I got a new project at work /and/ I got demoted /and/ I got added to a higher access level /and/ I'm in charge of a new database#yes all of those things together. I'm to be an accountant now! not instead but in addition to my other stuff. should be interesting#I didn't get April Fools off like I was scheduled to because all my scheduled vacation got unapproved#(I was here for about twenty nonsequential minutes to boop people and I'm glad I made time for it. extremely fun to boop)#I lied shamelessly to get eclipse day off and we went on a full-day roadtrip and it was wonderful. everything I dreamed and more#I killed one of my baby succulents through clumsiness and rabbits ate my pea plants but my sage and cabbages look promising#got a massive pot of mint flourishing on my porch and the horseradish is gorgeous#got Duncan lights and plants and a filter system for his frog tank but we haven't set up the substrate yet#so there's just potted plants sitting inside a terrarium. very amusing honestly#I've been playing a little Stardew and eating a /lot/ of hot sauce and tofu#drinking tons of klass aguas frescas--especially the soursop one. holy shit is it good. the mango and hibiscus also#and these past few days I've been sleeping better#for most of those two weeks I was getting a handful of twenty-minute naps each workday and then crashing unwillingly on the weekend#I haven't read any comic books since February :'( this weekend we're going to costco and then I'm reading comics until Monday#what have y'all been up to? I've missed being around#edit: oh shit the actual song part. anyway this is James Taylor! makes me happy and helps me settle. good vibes songs#I'm half-panicked about work all the time recently and then also today was tax day (Nick's taxes. blegh)#James Taylor doing some heavy lifting round here
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.
#oh for fucks sake#if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g#she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up#which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares)#so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc#and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.'#she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things'#bitch WHAT THINGS ?????#exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ????#do u Hear urself ??#now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up)#and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour#'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!'#ma'am...#a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest#b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt#c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit.#whaT ?????#god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit#not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her)#jesus fUcking chrisT#i gotta get out of here#this woman is so immensely hateful#ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times)#fuuuuuck me.#anyway.#negative#ableism#verbal abuse#ask to tag
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not beating the ibd allegations right now
#Every time I eat the slightest thing my stomach immediately hurts and I have to shit#maybe it’s cause it’s my first meal of the day? Idk#I think my fucked up eating schedule messed me up probably also I need more fiber#Probably not severe enough to actually be ibd#Shitpost
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>__>
#talk#i think i'm gonna drop all but one course this semester in order to get properly medicated#+ catch up on some Essential Life Skills that i'm missing (that most people learned in their teens ahaha)#i've gamed it out. given it ample consideration. i'd rather ruin my semester plans than ruin my overall gpa#esp. since i have to maintain a certain number to transfer out of here lmao. if that wasn't the case it'd be 'Cs get degrees babey B)'#some people can make it through college with unmedicated/unaccommodated adhd. but not me! i suck at this!!#have also learned that i actually... miss? in-person classes? at our little downtown campus??#online classes were nice in theory but Once Again My Friends Were Right. some things should not be taken online#... man. i'm still trying to justify this to myself. the guilt of 'failing again' is eating at me#but so is trying to deal with this fuckass [subject redacted] class. worst subject + no office hours + prof won't email me back + L#+ no late work allowed. my prof last semester was right when she said i should pick someone w/ a lax late work policy lmao#... mmm. well! well well well.#my sleep schedule is so fucked. i need a passport. i want to draw again. meds. whatever. it'll be fine
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