#I am about to make myself cry thinking about them I love them so much
Text
promise
“i’m your shining light
even in the darkness.”
masterlist
a/n HI BESTIESSS. so i got back into editing and it ate down literally. anyways there was no hw or practice so enjoy this thats been hiding in my drafts
warnings not proofread
| as practice ended, and your teammates huddled in a circle, you ran to the bathroom as it finished. tears started flowing down your face. you hated off days. you always compared yourself to other players, saying “why can’t i be like them? am i not good enough? what do i need to do to be better?” it was an endless cycle, especially as an athlete that started your sport late. that meant you had to work 100 times harder than everyone else.
you sobbed and sobbed in the bathroom, the same questions racing through your mind. “why am i even trying? i should just give up.” you texted ellie, telling her about practice and how you played.
r: “i hate this im so tired and exhausted.”
e: “baby whats wrong? talk to me”
r: “i had an off day and i can’t stop crying.”
e: “wait for me at the gym, ill be there in 10 minutes.”
those 10 minutes felt like an eternity. you kept sobbing and sobbing, letting your emotions pour out. if your emotions weren’t shown on the court, you’d bottle them up and explode later. you looked in the mirror, then down into the sink as you saw the tears exit your eyes. you tried to pull yourself together, making sure no one would walk through the door, but you emotionally couldn’t. next think you know, you hear the door open and freeze.
it was ellie. you ran into her arms, sobbing. “shhh.. its okay. its okay.” she said softly into your ear, then resting her chin on your head. “you wanna stay here or go to my car?” she asked you.
“lets go to the car.” you said. “i don’t want anyone to see me upset.”
“alright.” she grabbed a paper towel then patted it on your face, drying your cheeks. “go get your bag and your shoes, tell me what happened in the car, kay?” you nodded in agreement.
you grabbed your gym bag and basketball shoes while ellie walked next to you the whole time. you put your stuff in the back, then opened the door to the passengers seat. you sat down and close the door. you looked into ellies eyes, looking like you want to sob again.
“whats wrong my love?” she asked.
“i played terrible today. i hate off days. im tired of comparing myself. i dont think ill ever play at the college level. i should just give up. im not good enough and i never will be. defense was sloppy, handles were loose, didn’t make any shots or catch any rebounds.” you said. you started to tear up.
“you need to stop thinking this way. you need to realized that you are good enough. you just don’t realize your own worth because of the people you’re surrounded by. you can do it baby. you worked so hard to be here today.” she told you, cupping your face. “everything will work out, don’t cry. yea today may have been off for you? so what? just reset for next practice.” ellie wiped a tear from your cheek.
“but im just not confident anymore.” you said in a shaky voice, tears all over your face.
“let me ask you this, do you still find love for basketball?” she asked.
“well, yes.” you replied, sniffing.
“then don’t give up. if the love is still there, its gonna be okay. but when it runs out, it’s time to move on, okay?” she said, looking at you.
“i love you, so much. and you are so good at basketball. i know you’ll make it far.” she told you as she kissed your face. “lets get you home baby.”
“even when only my light is left
i promise you, i promise you
always together, be your light.”
#ellie williams fluff#ellie x fem reader#ellie williams tlou#ellie williams x reader#ellie x reader#ellie the last of us#ellie williams#ellie tlou#twice#perfect world
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i have a confession to make: i'm actually doing better than i ever was
#i started making friendship bracelets for my show & for my gang today#i'm actually pretty excited#also it feels different when you make them for specific people because then you actually make them with love#so i was thinking of you today (you know who you are) 🤍#i also realized that i actually like my job which is crazy to me#i've been struggling with this so much during past few months and i am finally somewhere i don't hate#i like my coworkers and i don't want to cry when i have to go there#i don't even mind working with customers anymore because most of them are nice here#and this job may actually give me the opportunity to make more money in the future so i might just stay here for a while#this is not a perfect life but it is MY life and honestly i wouldn't change a thing about it right now#i am doing good and i am healing#i am taking care of myself#one step at a time#no rush#i'm trying to focus on things that make me happy and myself#i talk to my friends a lot i talk to my parents#i am fine and this time it's not a lie#i feel like maybe one day i will be finally able to say that i'm happy#i'm not there yet but it's good#yay for me i guess#🤍🤍🤍#but sincerely can you hear me?*
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I mean this from a social perspective not a health one : why does everything feel weird right now. Like yes I’m heartbroken about the reality of my position in the lives of my so called friends but now I just feel confused. I don’t understand why I’m not important and why I can’t change to be important to others, nor what makes a person important either.
#like okay yeah I’ve been lowkey crying in the middle of the night because of how unimportant I feel but that’s down pat now we get it#I just want to know why am I not ? like am I doing something wrong ? I could’ve sworn I’m trying my best to not be annoying frustrating and#to be there but the reality of things is that I can’t always be there given my condition#sometimes I wonder how hard it is to ask me a simple ‘are you okay’ or ‘how are you’ or god forbid that I am missed lmao pls fniesksn ignore#the last one I think that’s too much but at least the other two#I don’t want to tell people to ask me these because then it feels fake and that they’re doing it just for the sake of getting me to shut up#about it but I don’t know#dora daily#a reason why I hate insta with my whole life because it just never fails to prove how worthless I really am#like I could’ve died yk … and it’d still be the sahara desert there#anyways I like being alone a lot something I’ve found out about myself#(I hate it actually but I only like it because I cannot make myself do anything like even talking seems so very exhausting so I can manage#with the loneliness when I’m ill but I can’t cope with it when I’m even a smidge better)#sigh.#just sigh. where did I get my friends from and why does everyone seem to love their friends so much but I cannot#don’t get me wrong I talk about how much I love them to everyone and if I don’t I obsess abt them in my head but it is not reciprocated to#be honest. not at all#and that’s what makes me sad. I still love them because I love unconditionally it seems#but from a conditional viewpoint they do not cut it#and that makes me disappointed#that’s why I’d kill to be loved or heck even remotely liked the way I like others even half of that yk#I am not a good person in my eyes but I would do so much just to be liked like that I wish I knew why I’m not worth being liked only worthy#of being tolerated.
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it is unfortunate when i go to prayer and cry my eyes out and the only response i really hear is that i simply have to bear it. like usually i can get my emotions out and once they’re settled i hear a rational solution but it sucks when i don’t get the answer i want. i just have to keep waiting. like normally i hear something that gives me strength but wow apparently i’ve hit a new low
#literally all my problems would be so much easier to deal with if i had friends#and normally i’d be told ‘do this and you’ll probably find friends’#my plan has always been just to wait for someone to find me bc i’m horribly shy and antisocial#even though logically i know that’s a bad way of going about it#my logical rational analytical brain has always been obsessed with finding concrete answers. it’s always been ‘what can *I* do’#so even when i suffer there’s a part of me that says ‘it’s ok once i’m done crying i can work this out and go right back to trying’#i’ve been emotionally dead for years but i’ve always held onto faith like that#tonight i feel like i’ve been brought low. i feel like i’ve finally been told that i might just have to wait after all#which i might think would be comforting bc it absolves me of responsibility#but it’s actually crushing bc it absolves me of power#i feel like i’m finally facing the realization that i’m powerless and pathetic and i’m never going to be able to fix myself#that i can try as hard as i want but i can’t shake off this cross#but i don’t know how long i have to wait for someone to find me#and even if they find me how do i not fumble it#my first instinct is to push people away bc i assume they’re not really interested they’re just trying to be nice#which is usually true#i don’t even know how to sustain casual friendships and im so desperately in need of deep ones#i can’t open up to someone without just breaking apart and making it clear how pathetic i am#one would think i ought to find someone better than myself who can fix me#but on the other hand i think the only time that the good parts of me come out is when im facing someone even worse than me#like i have a tendency to morph into the opposite of the other person in any given situation to maintain healthy balance#so like when surrounded by extroverts which is almost always i become an introvert#it’s rare to meet an introvert but then i become stronger and more extroverted around them. like something in me just loves helping others#even though i can’t help myself#what do i pray for? a fellow pathetic person? or someone with the patience and kindness and life knowledge of a saint?#will either of them really be found just by chance in my life?#and even if i do meet someone. truly i wish they’d also be lonely. i want them to need me#i don’t want to be a pity charity case. like a side project for someone with real friends already
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happy 1yr anniversary to when the illness festered. i had no idea what i was getting myself into. To think it has been 1 year and im still this fucked up from it. love you wonder game
#i had been on a little switch story binge#i had read element and pleiades bc i saw ppl recommending them#but i had no idea that wonder game was significant at ALL#but i am the BIGGEST sucker for alice in wonderland. the 1951 animated movie was my favorite movie ever#and i would watch it CONSTANTLY when i was a kid#my earliest memories consisting of me just knowing how much i loved this film#and well anyway i remembered natsume had an alice card so i was like omg! i really should read that!!#and to get myself in the mood i even rewatched the 1951 film because i thought itd be a fun little refresher before i began reading#I DID NOT. EXPECT THE STORY TO MAKE ME CRY#AND I DID NOT EXPECT THE STORY TO MAKE ME A NATSUMUGIER#THIS STORY CAUSED IT ALL. IT RUINED ME. ALL BECAUSE I WANTED TO READ A SILLY LITTLE STORY WITH ELEMENTS BASED OFF#MY FIRST EVER SPECIAL INTEREST. ABSOLUTELY SICKENING#HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY BABE IM FUCKING RUINED FOREVER#nat rambles#i dont think u guys realize how deep my love for switch goes#bc like everything about them is a reminder of everything ive ever loved and found comfort in throughout my life#especially my younger years#they really do just bring me such unbelievable amounts of joy i almost feel undeserving to have something resonate this deeply with me#because thats how deep it goes#BUT ANYWAY#i cant show vulnerability online. Pretend i didnt say anything.#cant have people find out im a real person with real feelings with unique experiences in life that shaped the person you see before u today
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sorry why did i say some of that stuff to him in that letter. i mean i know why i was practicing this thing called vulnerability. but oh my god i really said that out loud (wrote it down)
#i BELIEVE it like. i believe i am lucky to know him on many levels#and he laughed at my little thing abt him being allowed to get an ego about it which was its purpose#but like. still . haunted by that#literally any time i open up on that level to anyone i'm just hitting myself on the head going ur okay ur okay ur okay#this was sparked by seeing a mediocre actor on dw and thinking he could do that better (insane thought. probably true in this case but low#- bar) and then remembering what i said to him abt how talented he was#which is OKAY. you should tell your friends when you think they're incredible. i am not as good at practicing this as i should be which is#- why it's scary#my other friend sent me a text that said he finally read my letter & it made him cry. and i sent back an 'i meant it i love you man' and he#- just never followed up which has also been freaking me out i worry he doesn't like me as much as i like him. but whatever! whatever#i think i did make 4 out of 4 people i wrote letters to cry though :) so. mission accomplished#it was so nice getting to see one of them on the production meeting today too ugh i miss them sm#okay this has spiraled into another i miss my friends post. go figure#ted talks#🗡️
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Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"
People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"
Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"
#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse#like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont#ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean#i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun#lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly#oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well#the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that#oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour#as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little#so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!#ha ha. this is agony.#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone#which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one#also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse#i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy#its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking#yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much#im also just really snappy sometimes#I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine#they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them#i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents#they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them#sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone#i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it#sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay#I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor#again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon#if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed#personal rambles#vent tag
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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every time i talk w my parents i have to remind myself not to get swayed by their doting affectionate act.
#i mean see#becoming older has made me recognize and appreciate them for a lot of what they did#but to say that i am doing anything except lip service to them rn would be an exaggeration#our relationship has improved but i have made it clear that i never intend to live with them ever again#that the honeymoon period will last 2 days max#they'll cry their crocodile tears#and the emotional abuse will restart like it never stopped#that the physical abuse would have continued if i didn't threaten them by throwing chairs and a knife#like....these past few months have given me such fucking WHIPLASH#it almost makes me forget just how dysfunctional our dynamic has been#how i got away relatively well adjusted because i psychologied myself through clinical and counselling psych classes#how they refuse to take the blame absolutely for my brother's issues surfacing now in his adulthood#ever so often something so viscerally twisted will happen on a call or on the group chat which makes me want to hurt myself#and that serves as a wake up call abt how bad shit used to be#and how glad i am to be away from it all#but every few weeks i will be lulled back into thinking that maybe things weren't so bad#i'm also swayed so much by the people around me rn who hesitate so much to talk about anything that isn't small talk#either that or they're people who really love their parents and enjoy spending time with them#and i'm like....respectfully i cannot relate and neither can the bamboo rod that once broke in two bcs of how hard my parents wielded it <3#and ofc when families come up in conversation everyone acts like it's a normal thing for there to be ups and downs#w so much unsaid and implied about how i'm actually an ungrateful POS who can't appreciate their parents sacrificing so much for me#hehe. no thanks. keep ur judgement to urself
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How do u know if its love or mental illness?
#I'm so fucked up in the head#so glad I have therapy later#love#bpd#bipolar#fawn response#like ugh I am so fucking afraid of myself#I take a look at my past 3 relationships and I have absolutely devastated all three of them and I don't want to hurt anyone else#but I'm literally 3 for 3 in the ruining lives department and like okay yeah 1 and 2 eventually got over it and moved on but what if 3#never does? I mean I guess its all so new and raw but like I feel so awful. I feel like I'm never allowed to love again until I can like#not hurt people? but I think we are all always gonna hurt people. ugh love is so stupid I wish I could just turn it off!!#I wish I could just rip it out of my chest and fucking kill fucking beat the shit out of my heart so it never dares to feel or want again#and then I get surprised when I tell people that and they look at me like they're going to cry#why in the world should I be allowed to love?? when it clearly does so much damage??#and then its worse right because then when I love someone I google the symptom of every fucking mental illness imaginable. bpd. bipolar.#adhd. autism. you name it I've searched it. and like I have bipolar so then I start invalidating my own love. I tell myself things like#oh youre just manic and thats making you think that this person is in love with you. oh you're just manic you think you are the center of#everyone's universe. oh you're just manic you aren't actually happy around them they just enable your ugly illness#and then like the things in question that are making me think this as like totally valid and normal things#like oh you're just manic you think they love you- my brother in christ they remember the smallest details about me and always know how to#make me laugh. we can't lock eyes longer than a few seconds before we both smile etc etc etc#but then it gets analytical- you know? bc then my brain is like ok we have to disprove our own personal bartholomuel that nafty brainworm#but you cant logically analyze something like love I don't think#right and then like I'm so deep in this hole of analyzing I start running the simulations of all the damage I'll do if/when it ends poorly#because I'm a piece of shit and I always always always go stir crazy and lose myself in it and panic and try to run and then bury my own#personality and wants and needs bc I want so badly to be loved I subconsciously shape shift myself into their ideal partner#right okay so then I'm minmaxing it- I'm speed running the imaginary relationship in my brain start to finish every single day and living#in a fake scenario where we break up every single day thousands and thousands of times over and none of that even happened#its like- because I have to prove to myself that its pure and genuine love and not mental illness or attachment or pure lust allows this#evil part of my brain to just take over and go hog wild torturing me with all these awful situations that don't even exist!!
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genuinely i don’t know how someone could meet a kid and decide children are horrid monsters actually. kids are so good
#marzi speaks#idk if i want kids myself but i am good with them#and i do love kids. once they get old enough to talk to you can have such amazing conversations#idk. who wouldn’t want to talk with the future?#i am probs thinking this bc i’m just finishing visiting my little cousins#and i have tried Very Hard to be the cool older cousin they can look up to and trust#and i’m proud to say it’s succeeded <3333 ough i love them they’re so sweet#it’s cute they’re shy. i was the exact same type of shy as a kid so i know exactly how to make them feel comfortable#but they’re creative and they draw and they like my drawings#and they’re at the age where they’re starting to explore their identities and because i am unabashedly queer i get to Know About It#and just !!!! augh i am filled with love.#unfortunately the older one is only an inch shorter than me despite being over half a decade younger than me#</3 curse of height genes#that’s ok tho. still little in my heart#i don’t want them to grow up ever they r so important to me#i’m very emotional abt it rn idk why. maybe i’m tired maybe it’s residual period hormones#i just love them so so much. i need to visit more#ok i’m not gonna cry but like . it was close for a second
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trying not to ruminate and redirect my thoughts and just remembered how one of my best friends on earth said how much he misses me and she wants to live with and hug me again and the real part that really tugs at my heart is them going "everyday with you is one i look forward to" and it's gonna make me cry. i love my friends so much i thank whatever force in the universe above made it possible for my best friends to be in my life
#all i ever want in my life. all i ever want. is right in that text.#that is the person who holds me when im at my worst. the person who holds my hand and lets me lay in bed with them when i just need someone#i miss my best friend so much. college is truly the first experience that genuinely makes me go school cannot come fast enough#bc it is no longer about just having the structure. that is a huge part. but college is where i feel loved. i feel like myself#i feel like a human being and i know i am loved and it makes me feel. like i can actually do something with my life.#my two best friends that i room with are the only other people on earth who i think make me feel as loved as my family.#i never feel more loved. than when im with them. i miss them so much i could cry. i cant wait to see them again#my therapist told me i need someone who holds my hand. who kisses my cheek. these are the people who do this for me.#i hope to hold their hands back and kiss their cheeks for the rest of my life.#static.soundz
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x
#hello it’s your weekly scheduled trauma dump on tungle dot com!#I never knew how to explain why I don’t like the holidays right#because yes! I’m full of love and warmth and want to celebrate nice times with the people I love! absolutely#and I like the coziness and the everything#but Monday it was Sinterklaas and it used to be my favourite holiday of them all#it truly makes me feel like a kid and I used to hold on to this holiday with my tiny fists SO tightly because it was just. pure joy.#minus the racism re: piet obviously that’s a whole other can of worms I won’t get into rn#but this Monday it all exploded because of my dad and it was truly a throwback to my entire teenage years#and how it was all about appearances and pleasing anyone but me only to sit in a car and think about how fake it all is and how#that love isn’t. felt. not really. it’s always been about unspoken pain hè projects onto everyone else without respecting your boundaries#and I just can’t do it anymore and this time I set a firm hard no and his temper tantrum led to my mum choosing him over me EVEN THOUGH#THEY ARE LITERALLY DIVORCED??????????#‘amber hes crying it’s heartbreaking you’re coming’#yeah well I was also crying at WORK by myself where it is of the UTMOST importance to me they don’t know about any of this#but no no this whole grown man who is in a fucked situation with his family OF HIS OWN UNDOING is who we’re choosing instead of your child#I went! I put on my big girl pants and went and said hi to his family and was more than civil and celebrated with the kids#but it cost me so much. and for the first time ever I saw exactly how much it really cost me#I spent three whole days trying to set a boundary and stand up for myself only for it to be discarded because my No doesn’t matter ever#then I was so stressed i broke my own body in an attempt trying to be civil like my entire cheek is swollen from biting it I literally#haven’t been able to eat properly since Tuesday. my stomach hurts. my headache hasn’t gone. and I am so so so tired I fell asleep at 7pm#and I’ve been white as a sheet everyone at work could tell something was wrong but they didn’t know What exactly#and just. the contact with this man. I can’t keep doing it not when it does /this/ to me#I can’t even properly explain what it’s like or what happens. just that I can’t do it anymore because it’s tearing me apart and it actively#holds me back? I spent the past four years in therapy talking about and trying to fix everything he instilled in me but is holding me back#in my life. in my relationships. in my work. in the way I look at /myself/#I can’t keep surviving I have to start living#and it’s ALWAYS worse around the holidays. the worst fights and nights of my life have been during the holidays#I am thirty years old and I was suddenly a fifteen year old this week who desperately needed help but wasn’t getting it#and I refuse to live like that ever again. I’m done. I’m done!#and it’s deeply sad and upsetting but we can’t fix this. we just can’t.
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watched a video where the author said (not exactly) "and (x) number of people will die today if I felt as much for them as I did over losing a family member I wouldn't be able to function"
and was briefly and momentarily (thank god) seized with the gut wrenching pain of thinking about everyone around the world who died ever lol.
any way.
#the main point of the video was to allow despite this let yourself be comlassionate to others pain#and believe and listen to them and CARE when they speak to you#but. uhm. hm. well. my brain decided to breifly shut down my conciousness with greif#often times i cry abouy people who have loved ones the lost#and about people who die alone and hated by the people who quote should endquote care#and about the people who are murdered. about the bodies that are harmed after. the people who are hurt before.#one time i threw up because i felt so much pain and care for a woman who was murdered like. over 50 years ago i think. that#for like. 4 years. i couldnt look at a type of TREE.#I THINK. PERHAPS. I HAVE ISSUES JANICE.#any way.#i am actually sick rn with some sorta cold (not covid we teste neg at the peak of our symptoms)#so i have a looooot of time to think about pain. any way. babes.#im not even feeling that bad right now im just like. when yhis next comes how the fuck do i cope with it.#i used to blame myself for wars happening and people dying in the news. i used to make myself depressed so#'less people would be sad today because im taking up the sadness'#i. well. WELL.#sits here#man.#edit; sorry this is very disrespectful she was murdered in 1999.#and the tree was the one i was standing next to when i read about it not anythifn to do with the case#well. as far as i remember.#i checked the date bcus i felt bad but oh boy and i not looking into anymore detail baby we do NOT need THAT spiral right nlw#i was 3 there was nothing i could have done. oh my god. some#hep. come distaract me and or put me to sleep
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losing the idgaf war
#kommento#// playing spltoon flopping at every level and dying yelling TAKE MEEE take my brain and cradle it nicely take me into your care#// successfully fading into obscurity because im not necessarily popular nd slandering my own name further so it's smeared in history books#// and my legacy dies an untimely death if I ever had one and leave nothing behind and this gas station dissappears into the fog#// that I couldn't be the one in people's mouths when they think about this One Guy that I was no competition to anyone else#// in this so-called 'community' that was so hostile and volatile to me because I had standards and I projected too hard for my own good#// not that ive been badgered or hurt or maimed or anything i dont think i would even still be in this hellhole if that ever were the case#// but im in this specific pocket of fndom are full of freaks and i want to appease most of them and make a name for myself#// —ambitious i know— majority of these people ARE freaks and so the people who are popular ARE freak themselves#// so techincally im trying to appeal to three people but i want more when it's technically not possible#// and im a little bitch so i hate the turnout ?? this is why i'll never be satisfied in here but ive been still kicking crying and going#// i wish i wasnt a hater i wish the things i dont want to see werent so physically revolting that my heart sinks and i see red#// i wish it was a more minor thing where im a hater for about 50% of it and i can Easily Dismiss it#// than hatership being a part of my personality#// that I've earned so little and lost so much but everyone and everything that I've loved is so genuine and real and too much#// that the stakes of doing something is so high like it's gambling itself that I'm not too sure I'm satisfied with my time here#// despite all the things I believed were good that's happened already#// that if I leave right now on the fickle decisiveness of the squirrel in my brain there would be things on this figurative bucket list I#// never have accomplished and I'm not too sure I can come back to do it because of my home that looks like war trenches itself#// all this time and love I've put into this world and I'm stubborn and selfish enough to believe I have not received what I am due#// and that this love and dedication was never received by enough people as I perceive#// sorry for being a baby's first but my time here in this pit of hell has been th absolute worst and most horrid of other fndoms I've been#// and while I practice the inherent belief I am the scum of the earth and the worst person alive#// and that I leave the things I love so much behind with wordless and meaningless abandonment#// I've made so much and shared so much that enough of my love was perceived by others and that#// I've at least left myself some things behind even if it has never reached others the way I humbly wished it to#// lmao like I'm writing an overly dramatic resignation letter and I leave it front desk and when I exit the building it#// either completely disappears behind me or keeps standing but stay unmaintained for the duration I'm gone#// people could still come and go or I could make it disappear myself. I think I've done a good job at making it easy to do that#// sorry for being dramatic ? idk how to give closure on this if the time ever comes or if this Is The Closure
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last night i was thinking abt characters that love so so sO much that end up doing crazy shit bc of it my beloveds
#🍒#makes me crazyinsane#i thought abt that moment when denji ws like if i ever die posses my body and live my dreams with it but then pochita was like no. ill give#u my heart and u will show me ur dreams STOPPPPPP😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 man stop😭😭😭😭😭#or also homura dying and reversing time hundreds of times just to save madoka every single time.she was her purpose for everything she coul#could go through all that bc her love for her was so much😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭SOB why am i making myself suffer the worst is#idk if the worst but yk i feel like i truly understand this type of characters bc whem it comes to the people i love man oh mannmn#i would givey life kill die and everything else i feel like. sometimes love is so mcuh i feel like it doesnt fit in my chest so sjdbfnfkc#like when i think of my mom sometimes it makes me cry bc love is so much idk what to do w it so i cryehehdbfjfkdndn but that happens to#but in the way that some other times i also feel my chest full of love but i feel so alone and idk what to do with itANYWAY BYE#no way not bye yet something else that happens is that ive never felt ..loved like this🥲 okay now yes bye#NO WAIT JFNDBBJ SORRY anOther thing is think sometimes is that yk how we're all different..and express feelings in different ways and stuff#what if im not interpreting someones love the right way..like what if someone i love does love me back this way but their way of sharing#feelings and emotions is way different than mine (bc this is v possible too yk our experiences arent universal/) WHAT THEN.#im gonna hand this paper to everyone ik so they write w lot of detail the way they feel about me final bye.#wait lmao😭😭😭😭 this is so long i also feel that loving like this makes me a red flag LMAO bc by putting ppl i love over me and loving so#intensely many times i feel like what i do its not required and even though i deal w jealousy and negative feelings i always control them#and never act on them but so many things related to human relationships causing me anxiety and this and that make me feel that im the#red flag itshard to explain neway tru final total byE.
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