#I am thankfully very much in Canada but

[ticholasnesla]

day 666 u don't say? ogh

ogh.

[petewentzisblack1312]

on that note, i dont want to sound like a shill or like im bitching about not getting notes but in a very real way there is a real, material thing you can do to help a black person in your cyberhood and its interact with and especially reblog my store posts, follow @dilsdesigns wherever you get your #content (im active on instagram and the site that will forever be known as twitter, and have a facebook page that crossposts instagram posts), and buy the stuff i make if you like it and you can. you can also just outright donate to me, if you dont like anything ive got or cant purchase because of where youre at (as a reminder, i currently only ship to the us, uk, canada and the rest of the caribbean. i am calling the deputy postmaster to ask when that will change).

at the moment dils designs is my only source of income, and if you recall, my family is recovering financially from a car crash. we have had a much higher transport bill, having to take bus and cabs more regularly, in addition to more aches and pains because of that, because were all disabled and public transit here comes with a LOT of walking up and down hills. in addition to that we have more trips to make than usual because we need to meet with insurance and with the police (who are dragging their feet on getting the report done). the car is being repaired, thankfully, but this has still been a huge financial hit, and a massive emotional toll on my family.

[spicybylerpolls]

As a queer person I am definitely happy when celebrities openly talk about being queer because every voice that openly talks about the queer experience is still much needed in societies where queerphobia currently seems to not be decreasing. But I am honestly tired that the majority of people, including queer people, still seem to have a "straight until proven otherwise" mindset. Celebrities owe fans no disclosure about their sexuality which can be a very intimate topic for some - and they may want to protect their (potential) partner because even when it comes to "straight-passing" relationships, internet randos get absolutely vile especially when a celebrity's partner is only semi-famous / not-famous-at-all. Afaik Finn only went public with his past girlfriend because people threatened to doxx her and all the time there were fake rumours that she was a groomer.

Back to the point: I think people should just assume celebrities are unlabelled unless they make very clear comments about their sexuality. For example people have accused Billie Eilish of queerbaiting for years, I barely saw anybody say "Leave her alone, maybe she is still figuring out her sexuality or maybe she is a queer woman but she does not want to make a big deal out of it". The Billie Eilish is queerbaiting voices were always louder. And then when Billie explicitly confirmed that she is queer, I only saw takes that were like "I always knew it, it was sooo obvious". Of course there is nothing wrong with suspecting that some people are queer but I think this parading of "I always knew it" is quite weird.

I think there is nothing wrong with wanting openly queer celebrities, especially if their public persona is very appealing for you. But in the end wanting a specific celebrity to explicitly label their sexuality can be quite harmful - especially if they are actually queer but have had already very shocking experiences with queerphobia or their partner's exposure to the public before. There are thankfully numerous other outspoken queer celebrities and activities whom you can proudly look up to.

Yeah, these are all valid points!

I think it's especially important to note that contrary to popular belief, real people can't queerbait. And also no one, celebrity or civilian, owes anyone an explanation for their actions that might be seen as queer. The Billie situation was always so weird to me because she definitely was explicitly flagging for years and wasn't all that subtle about it IMO, but people on the Internet took that to mean she was a straight girl "queerbaiting" instead of an unlabeled, most likely queer girl exploring her sexuality in peace. And that was really dumb.

However, I don't think anyone here is actually wanting a specific celebrity to label their sexuality if they don't want to/aren't ready to. Wanting someone to be queer/wondering if someone is queer based on subtle things you notice is very different from what you said. It's more like people are rooting for Finn rather than against him.

People always bring up the Kit Connor situation, but I think there's a very big difference between maliciously forcing someone to come out because you're accusing them of "queerbaiting" if they don't do so and simply looking at someone and going, "Huh! Maybe?"

No one's marching to Canada or to the ST set and going, "See these receipts! We know you are queer! Why won't you just admit it?" No one's even accusing Finn of queerbaiting in the first place. It seems like the curiosity here is not out of malice, but out of genuine joy and genuine excitement and genuine interest. Speaking as an outsider, gaylors often get a bad rap, but they want her to be queer because they see a queer reading in her lyrics and hope they can connect with their favorite artist on a deeper identity level. That impulse itself doesn't seem bad.

On a poll that a recent anon sent in, a significant portion of Bylers selected, "I secretly want Finn to be queer, but I don't want to get my hopes up or jinx it." That clearly comes from a different place than malice or ill-intent. I think some people are speculators at heart, and even if they don't have a platform to do so, they will absolutely speculate in their heads. And some people are the exact opposite, and they seem to feel that speculation is always wrong.

Personally, I know there have been many artists I've loved who give off queer vibes either in their presentation or their lyrics despite not confirming their sexuality, and in these cases I've also felt the same way. And I don't think this impulse is unique to Finn in the ST fandom either. Look how many people got excited when Sadie hinted she was queer when she posted a comment on ig that said she loved girl in red btw ;). Honestly, I believe this type of soft launching will continue to be more and more common as the way of the classical YouTube hard-launch coming out video becomes more and more obsolete.

[ringchollyandfriends]

Feeling very helpless and hopeless today.

Ramble underneath here-

I am definitely going through a depression/burn out (mostly) due to work. I thought, maybe it's because of my birth control implant or because of caffeine, but I drastically reduced the amount of caffeine I drink and I wasn't depressed or very little on my day off yesterday and today, it's hitting me full force.

Like I told a few people, I haven't been depressed (thankfully) in years, but I was depressed nonstop for most of my life and the familiarity of crying at random times simply because existing is heavy, the "either I have to be apathic or it'll hurt too much", the forever sadness, the.... Depression is way too familiar and I hate it.

-

I'm also feeling trapped with Elliot.

I wish I wasn't, but I am. I am barely spending any time with Nelly and my wife because Elliot panics if he's not with me. And I can't be where wife and Nelly are with him because Chico is there. I haven't been able to walk Bean nearly as often as I'd like because, again, Elliot panics if I leave and I'm not able to walk them together.

It breaks my heart on a daily basis. I love Nelly and my wife to no end, I want to spend time with them. I love walking with Bean, I want to enjoy time with her.

I figured, at least, if I leave the bedroom door open, I'll feel less trapped in one space. Well, Elliot pushes the gate attached the door and runs at the other gate and both him and Chico panic every time. So I have to keep the dog closed. All the time. I'm litteraly trapped in one room. Away from everybody.

Our other gate is broken, which is scary, because if Chico pushes it, he can get to Elliot and that's terrifying.

They have been living together for a little over a month and they can't see each other without getting on edge.

It feels extremely hopeless and it feels like I'm prisoner of my own bedroom. I was skipping meals (I have to leave him alone anytime I leave the bedroom) and only started eating again yesterday and it's a struggle. Which, as someone who is/was recovering from an eating disorder for about 10 years now, it's really not good. I love food, I want to eat frequently and plenty and enough, but it's hard since Elliot panics every time I do.

Elliot has a lot of good things about him, he really does, but having a dog with seperation anxiety while living with a dog that can't be anyway near him feels like something I'll never get out of.

-

And there's the whole traveling thing. I can't not go. I can't give up on my family, I can't let go of such a huge part of my life. It's not an option. I gave up so much moving here, traveling to Canada only once or twice a year is very difficult as is, I can't lose that.

-

I hate that it feels like there's no solution. I don't know what to do.

I told his previous owner that I'd keep Elliot on a trial, but I haven't checked in since, because I don't know what to say, so I don't even know if that's an option still.

I feel like I'm cursed.

[britts-galaxy-brain]

There are so many questions that I have after Lily posted a picture of Mikaila's home.

Why is Lily cleaning Mikaila's home despite being weakened by her daily chemotherapy, her treatment for her supposed cancer? In past streams, Lily would talk how frail she become from the chemotherapy and would empathize it by coughing randomly numerous times. Not to mention, the living conditions are unsuitable for a supposed cancer survivor. If Mikaila cared about her wellbeing, she would discourage Lily to come to her home. Instead, Mikaila should have visit Lily's apartment to avoid potential harm to Lily's health and as a temporary escape from her living conditions.

If Lily knew that these the living conditions that Mikaila had to endure, why doesn't she do anything about it? In one stream, Mikaila told Lolo that she lost her job which is terrible news; however, Lily was unbothered by the news. To live in her father's home, she has to pay rent. If unable to pay rent, Mikaila would end up on the street. She is given two options, both are terrible: either go homeless or live in a chain-smoking hoarder home. Thankfully, Mikaila manages to obtain a new job later on. But still, why doesn't Lily encourage her to leave her father's home and become impendent? Both Lily and Mikaila could have raised to money to pay for a temporary home for Mikaila.

Why doesn't Lily speed up the process of Mikaila getting her Canadian Citizenship? Yes, I am aware Mikaila is currently getting her background checked by the government; however, Lily barely made an attempt in funding the process. Last year, Lily should have saved enough money to pay for citizenship processing; instead, she is seen spending it on a new desk and figurines of her comfort characters. She had also private 8+ million views worth of videos, thus reducing her source of income. Like, this is Mikaila's plan of escape to a better life, to live a life with someone who would love and cherish her, her closest thing to freedom. And yet, Lily is taking her time in funding Mikaila's Canadian Citizenship.

If this what Mikaila has to endure on a daily basis, why doesn't Mikaila just become a temporary resident in Canada? US citizen can stay in Canada up to six months and can work in temporary jobs as well. All she has to do is show her visa or her work permit to be allowed to work in Canada. Does Mikaila or Lily know this? If so, why has nothing been done about it?

In the past, Lily has spoken how her stalkers and harassers would try to dox her and how traumatic it was. So, why would Lily take a picture of Mikaila's home even though it would end with the risk of Mikaila being doxed? Doxers can analyze a small portion of a home and immediately knows of its location. For example, Keffals (a person that I disavow and strongly against), was doxed. People on the internet immediately knew where she was temporary staying, based on a doorhandle shown behind Keffals.

I can answer all these the same way; Lily is stringing Mikhaila along.

I've had similar situations happen to me before. Lily has been future-faking her wife to keep her clinging to that sliver of hope. Lily has been lying to her wife to keep her feeling too guilty to question her. Lily takes just about every vulnerable moment Mikhaila has with her and broadcasts it to the public, in this case, to feed into Mikhaila's low self-esteem and make her believe Lily is the best she's going to get.

Lily has no real intentions of letting Mikhaila move in. Lily doesn't want Mikhaila becoming independent because Lily knows she will eventually get the strength and self-esteem to leave her, or at the very least won't have as much time to be Lily's art slave.

Mikhaila is right where Lily wants her to be.

[coconut-dreamz]

kuroo tetsuro x reader

warnings: fem reader, mentions of alcohol, angst

summary: things were going great, until they weren't

y/n collapsed into the bar stool of the business lounge with a sigh. immediately ordering a drink from the bartender. "rough day?" a voice breaks her out from her thoughts. "huh? oh, yeah. you could say that." she looked over to her right, laying her eyes on the tall, messy haired man for the first time.

he lets out a chuckle at her confusion at first. "i feel that, going on a business trip or returning from one?" he asks, with a smile that had her heart pounding. wow, he was stunning. "um, both. i just came back from shanghai yesterday. i was in the office here for a day and now i'm headed to tokyo. you?" y/n explains to the man.

he nods with a smile before answering. "yeah, i just had a meeting here in seoul and now i'm headed back to tokyo. what do you do?" kuroo looks down and swirls his whiskey around the glass. "i'm in advertising for a skincare company. you?" she looks away shyly after making accidental eye contact with the mysterious man.

"i work for the jva, uh the japanese volleyball association." hearing this intrigues the woman. "oh, i've never heard of that. did you ever play? or are you just very into watching it?" she jokes with him, causing a chuckle out of him. "uh, i did use to play in highschool. but i still am pretty into watching it." she laughs probably a little harder than she should've at his joke.

"oh, uh. i'm kuroo by the way. kuroo tetsuro" he offers his hand to shake. she grabs his hand, offering her own name. the two become quick friends as they chat in the business lounge before their shared flight. the two became fast friends, especially since they were seated next to each other on the flight. kuroo was entranced by her and asked her to dinner before the end of her business trip.

that was the beginning of it all. many would think that it would've been difficult for them to date due to their workaholic tendencies. but they underestimated kuroo and y/n's infatuation for each other. the two were making the flight to either seoul or tokyo every chance they got. despite their busy schedules they always made time to call each other.

y/n was searching through the crowd anxiously looking for the tall messy haired idiot she called her boyfriend. they spot each other at the same time, running into each others arms. y/n jumped into his arms, thankfully being caught by kuroo. "i missed you so much." she whispered into his ear. "i missed you more, kitten." kuroo responds without hesitation.

it had only been 3 weeks since they'd last seen each other. they hadn't been able to call much either due to y/n having to go to canada for a business trip. being on opposite time zones made it very difficult to call, someone having to wake up early or stay up late.

the two practically run out of the airport to y/n's apartment. the only had the weekend together before kuroo had to go back to japan for an important business meeting. but the two always made the most of their limited time together.

things had been a little rocky in their relationship lately as they approached their first anniversary. y/n had been working more hours than usual, leaving less and less time to call or even text kuroo. but it was all in order to get the promotion that would allow her to move to the company's tokyo headquarters and finally be with kuroo.

the day she got called into her boss's office she was nervous but excited. leaving her boss's office after being told she was promoted, y/n was ecstatic. she sent a text to kuroo asking if he was busy this weekend. when he responded he was free she immediately booked a flight to see him. she couldn't wait to tell him the good news in person.

once she moved to japan, their relationship would no longer be strained because the biggest obstacle would be eliminated. not to mention now that she was an exec she wouldn't have to work as long of hours. things were finally falling into place. she couldn't wait to tell him. the rest of the week couldn't go by any slower as she started packing up her apartment for the big move and finishing up her projects at the seoul office before she left the following week.

her flight arrived in the late afternoon that friday, having left the office early. she could barely hold her excitement in, but decided to wait until dinner to tell him. they were going straight to dinner from the airport so it wouldn't be a big deal.

when they finally reunited y/n was overjoyed. kuroo wasn't as happy as he usually was, but she chalked it up to him being stressed. it was the middle of the season so he had lots of deadlines to make. not to mention their relationship wasn't doing the best. but once he heard the good news he'd immediately be as happy as she was.

the two headed to the usual restaurant they ate at. it was the one they went to on their first date almost a year ago. once they put in their drink orders with the waiter they were finally able to talk and catch up.

"y/n i have something to tell you," she smiled, "i do too, but you can go first" kuroo took a breath, his demeanor turned gloomy, "okay, i'm not sure how to say this so i'll just be straightforward. y/n i've met someone." but i guess life doesn't always work out how you imagined it would.

[bihansthot]

Been horribly depressed lately, my new combination of meds just don’t work as well, but they’ll also make me stop gaining weight, so it’s a damned if I do damned if I don’t. I’m also back on my bullshit trying to learn Korean again because Rabbit requested it. He wants to take me with him Korean next April when he’ll be there for work for a month, so I think he wants me to try and learn some basic survival Korean so I can go out and sightsee while he’s at work. Don’t worry about Denny my husband will be watching him, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned I’m Poly lately but I am. Rabbit has also been upgraded from SD to boyfriend which is nice because we have a good relationship. I’m sad though he’ll be out of town for a while because he’s spending Christmas with his kids up in Canada and trying to get his house ready to rent. I’m not super happy he’s moving back in with his ex-wife but I understand him wanting to spend more time with his kids so I can’t be upset. Thankfully he’s still going to be working at his job which is roughly 20 mins away from my apartment and he’ll at least have to work out of the office twice a month or so, so he’ll still be able to see me which I’m very happy about. So things are at least going well relationship wise. I just wish I could get over this resurgence of depression, I feel guilty because I realized I don’t love Denny (my Golden Retriever) the same way I love Jäger (my deceased German Shepherd), I’ve been assured by friends who have also dealt with pet loss that it’s completely ok to love them differently but I feel like Denny deserves better than this broken ass version of me who’s too scared to love him as much as Jäger. My heart was so throughly shattered by losing Jäger it just hurts to much to love with my whole heart again, and I don’t even know if I can, Jäger took so much of my heart and soul when he passed I don’t think I even have a whole heart anymore. I don’t know things have just been really hard lately and I don’t know what to do anymore. I just needed to get it out though so if you read this, thank you. I hope you lovelies are all doing well though and if you aren’t I’m sending love and hugs.

XOXO

Sol

[pbandjesse]

I am sitting on our airplane right now! James doesn't seem in as much distress as then did last time, or during take off. So I can be a little more relaxed because they are. I hate seeing them in so much abject terror.

Thankfully they seem a little better. And besides so stupid stress that was outside of our control today went really well. All things considered. And we should be home before midnight.

After I finished my post last night we would watch the sun set and go and get an ice cream cone. Which was so much better then the first night when it was just ice. Which made us both laugh because we had avoided it all week thinking it was just bad. We would wander for a while. While watching Canada come in people were standing on the pier and waving and singing and saying hello and it was such a sweet little human moment. Those moments where we are just reaching out to each other. It was so cute. And while we watched the sun set with the mountains in the distance a seal popped out of the water! I even got it making a little twist before it swam away and it was the best. Made me feel so happy.

We would go and write out review and thanks to our room attendant, I also drew him a little picture of the towel swans. We sat in the card room for the last time.

We would go back to the room eventually though. To enjoy bridge cam for the last time. And go through our bags to make sure we had a plan for the last few things. It was going to be tight for sure but we would make it work. I was really proud of us.

I took a melatonin to try and easy my racing thoughts. And it mostly helped. I would fall asleep easier. But I woke up at midnight. I'm glad I did because I had a text. Confirming our pickup at the pier point.

But the issue was it was for 6am. This was wrong. We had called on Friday and told them the correct time. They said that was fine. But this was wrong. So I texted the number back, unsure if it was a real person but it was. And they were very much not helpful. They just were like. No, you didn't contact us, you made this appointment. And I said no sorry we didn't, Amtrak did, and we contacted you on Friday. And this person had the audacity to ask me what they wanted them to do about it now it was midnight. Dude you were the one who contacted me at midnight!! What do you mean??? They asked when our flight was. I said 11. And they said they probably wouldn't have a driver for me at 8, when we were allowed off the ship. And I said okay let me know in the morning. And then I tried to sleep.

My anxiety was super high. I only had 20 minutes left of wifi. I needed to have a plan. Thankfully Seattle is a city and a cab would be $40 and not the worst thing in the world. I sent James a text so they would know what was up. It wouldn't make sense to wake them up and stress them too.

So I stayed up until around 2. Watching videos. I watched a really interesting one about Nazi dog whistles and the bored ape vacation club nft and how there are wild connections between the two. But because it's multi layered Internet culture most people wouldn't ever know how many Nazi connections are there. Which is both super shocking and not surprising at all. Dog whistles are so insidious because there is always the plausible deniability. But it's important to know them.

James would wake up to use the bathroom and I filled them in about the pick up. They agreed we would handle it. And that gave me the reassurance to fall back asleep.

It wasn't amazing sleep. And waking up at 6 I didn't feel great. I tried my best to wake myself up with water and a little stretching. And then it was just. The last things to pack, the double checking. And then breakfast.

I honestly felt to sick to eat. The idea of eating the same breakfast I really enjoyed all week make me nauseous. I was not having a good time. I sat at our table with my head in my hands I felt so ill. It just makes me think about being a kid, how often my stomach hurt, especially before events and activities. Even if I really wanted to do them, the transition to them l, the unknown variables of other people, it's wild that I have only realized that that was probably just anxiety, still is anxiety, like two months ago. I just thought I was nervous but it turns out most people don't get such intense stomach pains and nausea. James has been so sweet about it but I know it's probably a little annoying. I love them for supporting me when I'm suffering.

We went back to our room and got our bags and said goodbye to our room. We went to the 6th deck but after sitting there for a few minutes I went to check and the staff told me we would be leaving from deck 7. So I went and got James and we went up there. Except when we got there they told us the end of the line was on the other side of the deck. Alright. So we struggled and got through to that side. Where they told us the line was on the other side? And while all the staff can speak English there was for sure some confusion and something getting lost in translation. The second staff member asked me who told us to come down there, like he wanted a name, but I didn't know their name and also I'm not a snitch. But he came back with us and we found that the line was actually coming from both directions, so we got in the spot where they intersected.

Where everyone was complaining. Like guys it's fine. Well get off eventually. And like I feel for people that made flights to early but why would you make an 8am flight? Bad idea. We were cutting it close with our noon flight. But it would be fine.

I started feeling better while talking to people. Dazzling them with our small bags and packing abilities. Chatting about what we liked about the flight. Met some navy vets and got to talk about Torsk and how we met on the USS Constellation. People congratulating us on our honeymoon. It was a nice way to end the cruise.

We went through the security check. James seemed anxious still but we made it out together. And once we were outside a taxi driver was like. Follow me! And he was booking it but James kept up. I have little legs and could only keep up so well. James came back and I said I'm only getting in this cab if it's a yellow cab. And thankfully it was. No scam there. He was a nice guy but his driving left something to be desired. At least we could have the windows open.

The drop off lane was wild so we all decided he should just drop us off at the pick up side of the airport and we'll just figure it out. Was that technically a ticketable offense? Probably. But we got out and said goodbye and we were at the airport.

James likes to go to the desk and get printed tickets. Which is fine with me. So we did that and then to TSA. Where I made sure we had everything out and ready. And I just enjoyed people watching.

My favorite was a little girl and her mom. It was clearly when first time on a plane and she exclaimed that it was "just like a ferry but with lots more people!" And that was just so cute. They take a lot of ferries in Seattle so her connection to that made sense but it was so sweet. Also she had little purple and white cowboy boots on and it was just so cute.

We got pulled at TSA because my suitcase had James's book in it and it looks strange on the x-ray. But the man was very nice and figured it out first and was kind. Sometimes they can be so mean for no reason. So this was very pleasant.

But we still had a few hours to waste. We stopped to reset ourselves. I accidentally ripped my necklace off and had to take a minute to fix the chain. Which is hard when you have no tools but I used my teeth and will fix it better at home.

We decided to explore. We both wanted cinnamon things. I wanted a pretzel and James a cinnabun but no luck. While this was a really nice airport it had almost no chains! Except Starbucks which it had 8 of. Ah well. Instead we road the tram/train between gates. Got a grilled cheese made with the fancy cheese we saw being made at pikes place. And it was very good. James was grimacing from pain in their shoulder where they have their plate from the accident. While the backpack suitcase was a great find it is hard for James to keep taking it on and off. And it was just heavy. So we went and found a seat. And ate my sandwich and talked a little.

Eventually the flight before ours left and we were able to get seats at the gate. Charged our phones. And I drew and worked on my embroidery for a while.

The agents at the gate asked for people to check bags again. This was a larger plane but it is also full. So we checked our bags. And I ended up having a conversation with the woman about James's injury and it turns out her daughter also was in a bike accident but the paramedics apparently didn't think anyone survived at first so they weren't moving to fats but thank God someone noticed because her daughter was alive and barely hurt, just stuck with her bike in the windshield! Wild. We both felt very lucky that we have our loved ones still.

Me and James would secretly text while standing next to each other about the shitty husband we overheard. It was like this shitty husband's on TikTok! He went and got a sandwich for himself and called her a selfish brat when she asked if she got anything. Then sent her off to find him hummus apparently and while he was gone he spilled his coffee all over the floor and her bag and didn't even try to clean it up. Then when she came back without hummus he basically completely dismissed her and she said she wanted to get food as well and he acted like she was being so stupid. She looked so defeated it broke my heart. It made James say comparatively they are a great husband and I was like hey! Stop being mean to my husband, you are a great husband.

Soon we would get on the plane. And we got seats over the wing again. We thought we would leave on time and actually get to Washington a little early but no luck. Maintenance had to come out and check something and we left a little late. Ah well.

The plane just landed in Washington! It was a pretty easy flight all things considered. I did not sleep. I did get my last digital drawing done and did some embroidery. I made it another couple chapters into my book. And hoenslty besides having the pee basically the entire time but being to nervous to use the airplane bathroom, it was a pretty comfortable flight. James didn't seem so stressed out. I was pretty comfortable overall.

Now we are waiting to get off the plane. They haven't opened the doors yet but hopefully soon.

We did get off the plane pretty fast. This is for sure the ugliest airport I've ever been too. It's just kind of dirty. It has dropped ceilings and they all had moisture stains. Gross. Also they had a shuttle system to get to the main hub. Which was packed and poorly designed so everyone was having a bad time. Then we had to get on a second shuttle bus to go to the rental car and there is basically no signage explaining where to go or what to do. But James thankfully checked with a driver for a different company and soon the shuttle was here. Which was packed and pretty stuffy. But at least we were going the right way.

We are waiting in line for the rental car now. So I'm going to post this. We have about an hour and a half until we see home. I am so excited to see Sweetp and be in our space.

Tomorrow me and James will return the car and get groceries and do laundry and I have my rhumatologist appointment. I miss our trip but it also gave me a lot of perspective. I hope I can carry this joy for a while.

Good ight everyone. I hope you sleep well.

[goon-writes-her-thoughts]

Homesick

I believe the answer to that question lies in my memories. No matter how depressing everyone seems to find Edmonton, my happier childhood memories happened within the city. Even when my life was falling apart in Alberta, I’m able to fondly remember so much about the River Valley. I remember the days of driving nearly three hours to go to Edmonton for something to do extremely fondly. Bumming around Strathcona, checking out every record store and comic book store with my dad is etched on my brain, coloured with hazy blue skies and vivid graffiti. Even in the winter, I still held Edmonton dear. Being as I haven’t been there since I was 15, I have a freeze frame of the city in my mind through the lens of childhood wonder. For me, I’ll always remember Edmonton as my happiest place on earth.

I remember, almost a decade ago, I was having a rough time in school. The details of the events in school aren’t something I enjoy remembering, but there came a boiling point where my dad was finally called in. The boiling point came one day in a class with a teacher I couldn’t stand. I blacked out for most of it, but from what I was told, it was an aggressive outburst that culminated in my taking off like a scared horse, ultimately leading to suspension and then finally expulsion. I snapped out of the blackout halfway home, looking down off a bridge to the tracks below. My step mom was calling my name, wondering what I was doing out of school. After that, there was no hiding what was going on with me. Thankfully, my father recognized what was happening to me as distress rather than pure recalcitrance. The next day, he took me into Edmonton, partially to see a shrink on Jasper Ave, partially to lighten my spirits. It was a dad and Goon day. We hit all the record stores, ate at my favourite pub, and even checked out Axe Music so I could play some guitar. That day felt perfect. It was sunny and bright, and it was my first time hearing Joshua Tree cover to cover. To this day, Joshua Tree takes me back to Strathcona on a sunny day where I felt incredibly loved. That’s what the word Edmonton reminds me of: the fact that I was and am loved. It was one of many perfect days spent in Edmonton.

As I grew older, I grew jaded and cynical; especially around the time I moved to New Brunswick. I didn’t know all the cool spots, I wasn’t sandwiched between two cities people outside of Canada had heard of, and the people in my town were from different walks of life. I felt alienated by everyone I met. I was going from one homogeneous group of kids to another, except I was not homogeneous with these people. I was painfully othered, largely due to my own ignorance. Until I was 10, I wasn’t fully aware there were careers other than military, oil worker and garbage man. It wasn’t until I moved to New Brunswick that I actually met people whose parents weren’t any of those things. My worldview needed to shift, but I never knew how to do that. The people I was going to school with had known each other since kindergarten and I was an uncommon new face. At that time, and even still, I couldn’t think of anything more claustrophobic than going through the growing pains of life with such a large audience. Even though I was closer to my birth place than ever before, I felt so disconnected and lonely. It was at this point that my idealistic version of Edmonton made my heart hurt. For the first time in my life, I was homesick.

I know now that what I missed wasn’t just Edmonton, nor was it home. What I missed was a sense of community and an era of my life where I was closer to my family, emotionally speaking. What a lot of people fail to realize about military families, is that no matter where I went, I had my family and a close-knit community of kids in the same boat. I was always an odd kid, but I was odd in a very palatable way to the other kids I grew up with. Fundamentally, our situations were the same: one or both of our parents were in the military. Our personalities and interests were secondary since we already had one important thing in common.

When I moved to a town as far removed from CADPAT as possible, I had inadvertently lost my community. It was for that reason that high school was tough. When I started grade ten, I experienced culture shock. Not only did I lose my community, but I also lost the amenities that came with living close to Edmonton. Moncton was close, but it was a sorry replacement for a place like Edmonton. Halifax, though it’s my birth place, also paled in comparison, even though it's objectively speaking a prettier city. Maybe had I not lost my community, I’d have felt more favourably towards these places, but the damage was done. When I moved to New Brunswick, it felt like I’d lost everything. The people at my high school only made that loss more devastating.

As I spent day after day withdrawn and angry, my family grew further and further apart. I was growing up and it was normal, but I wasn’t ready for it to happen. Through my entire run at my high school in New Brunswick, I never had any friends that I preferred hanging out with over my dad. Unfortunately, part of growing up is hanging out with people who aren’t your dad. Gradually, our Saturday morning drives, our post-dinner shenanigans and our morning coffee faded. All those things I cherished from my childhood were becoming memories. While I should have blamed growing up, I have always blamed New Brunswick. Going through the painful parts of becoming an adult all happened for me feeling completely alone, surrounded by people I called friends that I couldn’t stand, in New Brunswick. I was angry. I wanted to blame my friends, I wanted to blame geographic location, I wanted to blame my school, but it was all just the normal phenomenon of growing up.

Knowing all this now, I’m hesitant to go back to Edmonton. I know I’d see Alberta for what it really is if I were to go back. I’d see it with the same jaded eyes that I’ve been seeing New Brunswick with for almost 9 wretched years. As much as I feel suffocated by having lived in one place as long as I ever had, I would feel so much worse if my idealised version of Alberta was ruined for me. I know that if I were to go back to Edmonton, I’d be disappointed because as much as I can go back to a place, I can’t go back to a time. No matter how much I try, I can’t go back to listening to U2 with my dad in his old toyota. I can’t go back to running around the Old Strathcona Antique Mall looking for old Nintendo games with my dad and brother. I can’t go back to listening to Jack Layton’s funeral on CBC at the Fabyan campsite. I can’t go back to hearing Bittersweet Symphony as I walked down the stairs after a shift at my first job. I can’t go back to Jack’s Place Cafe after my grade 9 band performance for a latte with my dad. I can’t go back to the happiness I felt as a child with a plane ticket. I’ll never get those moments back because I don’t miss a place: I just miss how things were when I lived there. If I were to go back to Edmonton now, what I just said would finally be real in my head. If I were to go back now, those memories of childhood joy would be corrupted by my adulthood cynicism. My heart aches for Edmonton every day, but I’ll never go back.

As a military child, places and life’s eras become so intertwined. A feeling of nostalgia presents as homesickness. Going back home isn’t possible because home doesn’t exist as it does for others. Home is more of an abstract concept, the kind that’s difficult to articulate in words. Home is so personal that, when asked where home is, I feel uncomfortable answering. In a lot of ways, home is where my family is, but my family isn’t all under one roof. They’re scattered around the maritimes, all equally displaced from where they feel is home. Home is somewhere where you feel safe, home is somewhere you you can feel rested and at ease. Home for me will never be in one place. Home is scattered and disjointed, held together by people, emotions and memories. Home is somewhere that was articulated best by Stompin’ Tom Connors: “wherever you find a heart that’s kind, you’re in a part of my stompin’ ground”. I’ve seen many beautiful parts of this country, and I now have the mental clarity to see beauty everywhere. They say home is where the heart is, but I’ve left pieces of my heart in many places I’ve lived and visited. Home is Canada, but more specifically, home is my idealistic version of Edmonton that solely exists in my memory.

[holodeck-enthusiast]

It's his 51st birthday. To be honest he didn't remember until he found a delievery at his doorstep. A small rectangular box. He opened it. There's a book, the recent bestseller from a writer he really loves. It has a note, by the way!

"Happy birthday, Mike. Hope you're doing well. Jeremy, Max and Simone are sending their good wishes for you. We're looking forward to meeting you on Christmas. Stay well and take care. -El"

Jeremy is El's husband. THIS Max is El's daughter, Simone is her husband. Michael is very much close to Jane's family. They love him. And they meet once a year at Michael's cottage. He lives in a very small town near the historical ruins of what was once their home, Hawkins.

Michael smiles a bit. Put the book on his desk. He's a professional self-employed book critic and still working efficiently. In fact quite popular among the younger generations. He never started a family. All those years in the late 80s, 90s...seem so blurry now. Like a book he had read for a project long long ago. He can't remember properly who died when...he just remembers Argyle shouting "Get in the van for fuck's sake Mike! GET IN! IT'S OVER. It's fucking over! We need to run!".

That night, as far as the media knows, 22 people managed to get out of the town. Mike, Argyle, Lucas and Dustin were among these 22 unlucky people who lived and some of them are still living. A gift of life that felt like a curse every second for decades. El contacted them years later in 1992. Her storyline was completely different and not mine to tell. I as a writer, am glad that they all found each other.

Dusting lives in Canada. Lucas and Argyle both live in New York. Their families are close. All of them are virtually connected, thankfully.

Mike never even thought of starting a family of his own. He had a really busy work life and only recently came to this new town near old Hawkins a couple of years back. He has a young assistant who lives nearby, and a humanoid robot, a very efficient AI that gets all the necessary chores done.

Michael drinks a glass of hot water from his bedside table. Put it down calmly. Crossed the cottage door threshold and came outside into the balcony.

"Happy birthday, Mike". A young boy exclaimed with a smile brighter than any star in our Milky Way. He's sitting on the balcony stairs. Mike went closer to sit by his side.

"Thanks! You had your breakfast already!"

"Yeah, had to finish this greetings card I made for you!"

"Really! Where's it!?"

"Ah you have to wait a bit! It needs to be dried. I have kept it on the floor back there".

"Cool"

Will looks away. Turns his head. Mike continues to look at him. It's a pretty windy morning. Will's dumb hair is blowing in the wind. He's sitting with his arms crossed. His cheeks are shining slightly under the sun. Is that a new zit! Mike hadn't noticed yesterday.

Will pulls out a tiny notebook and starts writing.

"What's that, Will?"

"Just making some campaign lists..one of which we'll play on Christmas. I am just really worried that it'll be dumb and nobody will want to play!" He lifts his face up, looking at Mike. Again lowers his head and concentrates upon his tiny notebook.

Mike is dying to put his hand on Will's shoulder and say...It's gonna be alright Will. You'll write a cool campaign with all the great monsters and crazy NPCs.

What shoulder?

The shoulder he saw that night making out cracking sounds from up in the air.

What body?

The body he was grabbing and never wanted to let go until Argyle pulls him out!

What Will?

The Will he saw sacrificing himself to save El so that she can save the whole town?

Every single day for the last 35 years, Mike sees Will. His own version of Will. The Will he loved and still loves. The Will his heart bleeds for each day.

Mike could not look away and jump into the day. Allison, his assistant, will come within half and hour. He decides stay a bit more under sun. Near his Sun.

Will turns back his head, looks at Mike to find that he's looking at him.

"What?" Will says awkwardly with a smile.

"Nothing" Mike smiles back. With the saddest smile on this planet, with all his new growing age-lines, teary eyes..

Another April morning lazily approaches the noon. A late middle aged man stand up on the lovely stairs of his lonely cottage. Reluctantly goes inside, activates his AI. And then goes into the kitchen to get himself a bowl of cereal.

[oceanbruises]

Friday, January 5

- I texted my brother about scheduling my trip to Canada. He should text me back soon! (Scheduling with me because their baby is due soon 👀)

- I didn't sleep well last night, so I woke up "late" and was late to work. Thankfully, my boss doesn't care, but I was extremely tired (which says a lot as someone chronically tired due to Unkown Illness). One of my coworker was also very tired, we were both in a really weird space.

- I was finally able to schedule an appointment with a PCP! My hopes aren't high, but if at least I could get my thyroid checked, it'd be at least one thing crossed of my "why the fuck I am constantly drained of energy and at fainting level of dehydration, no matter what".

- I don't remember exactly when, but I finally evolved my Magicarp on Pokémon Go!

- I wasn't able to go on a walk with Bean today, but I got both dogs a likimat and a chew on top of their puzzle meals and they seemed happy about it.

- I was laying on the couch and Bean rested her head on mine and fell asleep! Chico flopped on me while I was sitting and playing gentle bitey face with me 10/10.

- I got more litter for Nelly, which doesn't seem like much, but it's A Thing I Did.

- Hard day expected tomorrow, hopefully I sleep well tonight 🤞

[portfolio400]

It’s the first day of school. My mom drops me off and I am left with a room full of children and the teacher. We start an activity. I turn to the girl beside me and ask her what we are doing — you see, I didn’t understand what the teacher said. But when the girl says something back to me, I don’t understand her either. Is it me? Am I the one who isn’t like them?

As an immigrant child of Canada, my very first memory of school here was one of confusion and displacement. The language was new to me, the school was new to me, the faces were new to me. Thankfully, being young, I picked up English as a second language easily. Nowadays, Canada is my home. 

But when I work with students who are learning English as a second language, I always see a little bit of myself in them. I remember the teachers, support staff, and countless others who have worked with me to teach me not only the language, but so much more, with kindness and understanding. I believe that now, more than ever, we are in dire need of not only education, but educators who are empathetic, understanding, and inspiring. With that in mind, I continue to work towards a future where I can be someone like that.

[hoardofshinythings]

Hauled In To Fandom Kicking and Screaming

Look. I usually dance along the periphery of fandoms, ones I have actually watched the shows of and ones I am literally just in it for one or two good fan fiction writers. It is VERY rare I see a character and it actually makes me want to get in to a fandom. My ADHD/Autism combo makes it hard for me to get in to the mood to watch shows okay? Movies maybe. but series? oh lordy I have been bitten and burned so many times I am gun shy as heck with getting in to watching a show. I have gotten involved with to many shows for them to get axed for attracting the 'wrong' fans (Teen Titans, Motor City), or bizarre choices to take everything that attracted people to the first seasons and toss them in the trash and stick a sexy white woman in peril as the main into it's place. Weirdly specific but the fact it has happened several times is... something (Grimm, Sleepy Hollow). Or later episodes fall down the Stairs of Stupid Out of Character Decisions and Mistakes An Idiot Plot for a Plot Twist. I'm sure at least a few shows popped in your head at that one!

So I am .... reticent.... to get in to anything these days. Enter Eddie Munson.

Look. Stranger Things is in the background of the internet fandom zeitgeist. Okay creepy monsters, 80's, people actually LOOK like they are from the 80's and aren't airbrushed into an inch of their lives. Made a huge splash in its first season then kinda... floated in the background for the next few seasons.

Nothing about it really grabbed me. Looked fun. Not enough to attract my scraggly feral arse.

Then THIS little curly haired muppet man starts showing up on my dashes.

Eddie before disaster.

See. I KNOW this fucker. See I was a wee barely existing bean in the mid 80's. I have a brother who is over a decade older then me who thankfully I grew up having a great relationship with. So he was a TEENAGER during the 80's. Closer to Henderson's age then Munson's during 86. But I look at this fucker, and I KNOW him. Eddie Munson is the cobbled together pieces of my older brothers friend circle. The hair from one. The weed from another. The fashion from a few of them. My brother was more of a Johnathan type fashion and music wise (not personality), but a lot of his buddies were heavy metal or grunge. And more then half of them were in to DnD and comic books. Two of them were always writing or playing an instrument while hanging out at our house or back yard. They gamed at our house or at the drug dealer guys house (I didn't know he was back then cause again, baby wee me, but I remember he did cool smoke ring tricks and got my younger brother and I a huge pile of dinkies, so A+ dude to me) because hey, GUESS WHAT, the Satanic Panic was even a thing in but fuck nowhere Eastern Canada. My dad was Atheist (GASP) and my mom was vaguely Anglican (Sunday every week for socializing) but had logical heads. Mom was scared at first when my older brother got in to DnD, but despite being a early 20's young mother to two toddlers and a teenage step son with the whisper of church ladies in her ears... she sat down and learned about it. Found out it's just creative writing within a group with math. So we were the one place other than the drug dealers house they could have their games without judgement. Obviously our house was nicer so they were over a LOT. Which with it being the 80's, and both our parents busy nurses overworked and always on call, that resulted in a bunch of teenage scrungey boys babysitting tiny me and baby brother while playing DnD, practicing, hanging out, or whatever. I KNOW this fucker. I know Eddie Munson. All the pieces that make him I know them because I grew up with them. I have NEVER had a character give me a whiplash feeling of nostalgia for the past like THIS MOTHERFUCKER. Yes. I got bitch slapped by a blorbo in to watching a show so I can actually tell if the character is written believably (much more elastic then you think) or if the fandom is full of poop.

So I watched short snaps of just his scenes. God dammit he is Like That. Well NOW I have to go back to the beginning of the show because guess fucking what you shit heads. I want to actually try writing fanfiction. I want to making Eddie Munson SUFFER my twisted form of love.

I haven't done that in over 10 years. I've kept up with character writing, but nothing beyond role play games. This FRIGGER is making me dig up so many things from the graveyard of my fandom enjoyment past I may as well accept my new life as a Necromancer.

The show is meh, I know this, but the world has so many options of PROMISE. MUSIC THEMES. the fucking 80's! The characters, once again, do NOT look like airbrushed, they actually look like 80's awkward kids and adults and people. There's mullet's and mens crop tops and short shorts. All on the background of Modern (ish) Suburban Hidden World Fantasy with a good and proper horror twist. Shitty government fuckery. Monsters. Weird powers with no real explanation as to WHY. POTENTIAL!!!! SO yeah. There was a shiny toy in the sandbox (Eddie Munson) and I'm joining in, cat turds and cigarette butts be damned. I am going to try and slap in my observations of each episode as I go. Have fun watching me hate but love it all.

[optimistredsox]

14 Sep, NYY @ BOS, 0-5, win, game one of doubleheader, 8-5, loss, game 2 of doubleheader

The Boston front office seems to have a very short term limit these days. In spite of some actual baseball happening on Thursday, the news was the departure of Chaim Bloom, long thought of as one of the best brains in baseball. He wasn't here for very long and it was a pretty tough stretch. I can't be alone in thinking that since Theo Epstein the leash on the team's operations directors (or whatever new title they invent to give the impression that it's not the same job getting changed over and over again) has become tighter and tighter. Ben Cherrington to Dave Dombrowski to Chaim Bloom. Cherrington and Dombrowski both had WS wins with the Sox and they still didn't last long. I am certain that I am not the only fan who sees this as a failing of ownership rather than a failing of the person brought in to enact their weird and nonsensical wishes. Honestly? I don't think John Henry and Tom Werner want to own the Red Sox anymore. But that's a chat and a comment more for the last game of the season than one that comes on the end of a series loss (but thankfully not sweep) to the Yankees in a bizarre case of rain out/doubleheader action. We won one (well, and with Tanner Houck going 6 and not ruining everyone's day) and lost the other. If there's anything I envy of my younger self (aside from knees that work, energy, and a functioning metabolism) it is the genuine interest in ballgames once the brass throws in the towel. It's tough now. I still have my own goals - winning the season series against the Yankees (I think we've done that?) and finishing over .500 (tbd) but I am not as excited as I once was. Still, there were bright sides in both games. Even the one we lost.

Tanner Houck (Roberto Clemente nominee even though he's an anti vaxer who wasn't able to go to Canada in 2021 because of his dipshittery if I remember correctly - and yes, I remember correctly) went 6 innings and gave up no runs. Not five innings and no runs, then a sixth and a million runs, but six. And none.

Ceddane Rafaela, built like a rake that found a really strong diet program, hit another dinger.

Trevor Story, who has not hit as much as expected this season, clobbered a three-run dinger in the 8th, which is one of my favourite innings to hit three-run dingers.

The bullpen locked it down, even though not-Coldplay Chris Martin gave ups a couple of hits in the ninth (Whitlock didn't give up shit in the 7th and 8th)

Wilyer Abreu, continuing his 'promising prospect' thing, went 3-for-4 with a RBI and a run scored.

We won that first game. That's cool.

In the second game we lost, but Raffy went 3-for-3 with a dinger.

Ceddane Rafaela went 2-for-five and scored both times he was on base.

Wilyer Abreu had a hit, a RBI, a run and a walk. he was 1-for-2. Which is, as I understand it, .500 for the day.

The Sox had six pitchers take the mound, and if you take out two of them, Bernadino and Schreiber, they only gave up 1 run. But they wouldn't have have nine innings so it wouldn't have counted. Ah well.

We're even again with the Yankees. They go away now, hopefully to lose to someone else whilst we win.

It's been a weird season.

[collymore]

Kate Middleton’s stupidity intensifies, attendant with her craven yen for fickle relevance!

By Stanley Collymore The repulsively decadent actually dysfunctional Saxe-Coburg-Gothe- Mountbatten-Windsor family exists for their continuity of an institution, that's simply still basically tolerated for now. Since they evidently clearly breed in captivity with the rare occasional introduction of literally always only preferably aptly, white Caucasian blood and purely why the African American Meghan Markle truly isn't accepted, in this sick family - to avoid the worst ravages of their very, distinctly inbred and ongoing apt Hapsburg curse. This ridiculously archaic nonsense clearly needs to stop; having to bow down and courtesy to your own family members. Who do these people actually think they are? Gods? Surely gone are the vile days when the monarch, then as is now, basically unelected and distinctly unaccountable as is still evidently prevalent in this 21st Century, could so get away with an essentially idiotic concept that sensibly and likewise, most crucially their specific kind was very indisputably, appropriately most irrefutably appointed by, and likewise annointed crucially by God Almighty! Therefore they clearly were and thus presumably still are somehow distinctly special and most unquestionably above all others, as they literally put themselves on a pedestal, of superiority, as it were. Crucially therefore, why plainly logically, sensiblly and quite intelligently I understand why Meghan and Harry discernibly modern and similarly mentally liberated as I am, evidently feel such anger and justifiable disgust literally towards the Windsors, clearly and especially also when they ongoingly and unchanged see the absolute lunacy, that they previously, obviously lived in but quite thankfully and also intelligently did escape from. (C) Stanley V. Collymore 17 December 2022. Author's Remarks: It doesn't take or need a Mensa IQ to do a courtsy much less so a distinctly craven and sickeningly obsequiously pathetic one specifically of the kind that Kate Middleton did in respect of her father-in-law Charles. Since all such unctuous and sycophantically, sick behaviour needs, are dimwitted, gullible, intellectually challenged and accordingly also individuals who are absolutely obsessive in their actions to the point of compulsion. Likewise too with a deeply ingrained precept of social climbing which Kate evidently knows a great deal about! And, it is too, why the white British: basically real or fake, pretentious, discernibly self-serving and noxiously distinctly proselytizing ones, generally the vile residue from the multiple pogroms in their own European homelands, that included the European holocaust and sought and obtained sanctuary in this essentially offshore European island called Britain act as they do. And their bastardy kin: thus at home in the UK as well as the genocidally acquired and now white controlling dominions of clearly delusional Terra nuliius Australia, New Zealand rather equally Canada, obviously Stockholm  Syndrome mindset Ireland and dregs biologically from there like pathetic Meghan McCain are so engrossed in with such medievally indoctrinated and totally useless subservience. As in essence they're so discernibly deeply programmed and quite obviously do have nothing of value themselves to actually offer. Lemmings in effect who aimlessly do perch themselves clearly on the cliffs of their actually entrenched stupidity, while assiduously, asininely waiting for their orders from their distinctly perceived monarchical and likewise hereditary betters, actively supported by the so-called MSM rightwing and Nazi media for the order to jump and which they happily do to their rather thankfully for the rest of humanity, quite deserving oblivion; but equally so too the total indifference of those who encouraged them to act on what they'd done! This is the 21st Century not the daft and obviously  barbaric Middle Ages; and if the only way to allegedly show supposed respect to anyone and also specifically those not deserving of it, is to behave in this repulsively very obsequious manner as you lot clearly do to one of the world's distinctively dysfunctional, criminal, corrupt, very serially adulturous, paedophile and murderous families: the Saxe-Coburg Gothe-Mountbatten-Windsors, rather obviously then you distinctly deserve each other. In marked contrast however, clearly individuals who're genuinely totally mentally liberated, who know what authentic respect is and how to then dispense it actually to those truly and wholly deserving of it, don't have to behave like pathetic pillocks and too with the avowed support evidently of the rightwing and Nazi media, clearly making a fortune from monarchical sources and actually your paid taxes! That said Britain is essentially a sick country of white racist, significantly obese, bastardy producing: actually the highest figures unquestionably in the so-called Western World, and as well menopausal Karens and equally so their invariably beer-bellied, very routinely cuckolded and distinctively also very unknowingly azoospermiac Gammons; all of them quite toxically verminous and actually of noticeably no real benefit at all to anyone. So in those quite irrefutably unchallenged and glaringly obvious circumstances why then should any liberated minds be the least bit envious of them? The realization of which is firmly and also irrepressibly, similarly embedded in the refreshingly stimulating minds of people like myself, who can and will always sensibly and intelligently too think for ourselves like Meghan and Harry are obviously doing!   Discernibly and most refreshingly so as well a state of affairs that's wholly and irrepressible removed from the obviously contrived and ludicrously pathetic, fawningly codswaillop that is so much an integral part of the sick and  distinctly evil, vile and paranoid envious existence that characterizes the quite self evidently real character of this pathetically glorified physical rake of a distinctively obvious clothes horse and also a clearly, prematurely ageing, and significantly dowdy Kate Middleton!

[thebigldb]

Art vs Artist 2022 : A Reflection

Hello world and the vast void that is the internet,

I'm Linda! I've been making art for years, went to school for it, and have been working as a graphic designer for 5+ years in the screen print and decorated apparel ~industry~. Above is a little artist vs art with some of the pieces I've done this year. I've only recently been leaning into and improving upon my digital art, though I do make things using traditional mediums. Below is the same review format, but with the things I've made for a small apparel shop, plus some personal/side projects.

2022 has been the year of many major life changing events for me. I'm going to list some of the key ones below as I reflect upon the rapidly closing year:

1.) After working at a company that deteriorated my mental health through burnout and a toxic work environment for 3 years; I started a new - way less demanding - job with a different apparel shop. I had left behind my job title as "Art Director", a position and department I solely built up myself through hiring and attempts to organize and streamline the company's lack there of (not to mention the ridiculous turnover rate they had with graphic designers before I started there). My new job has been what I would call a nearly 360 turn from my previous one. It is a newer and smaller business, outsources its decoration as opposed to having it done in-house, and comes at a much much slower pace with its surges. While it lacks certain aspects of what I actually enjoyed from my previous job (like always having something to do or having co-workers doing similar things as you), it's given me the opportunity to develop myself personally as an artist and even consider the concept of making my own business. (Image below is a photo of some of floral shirts I designed, soon to be on sale)

2.) I got married to my partner of 7 years in the month of May, right before my 28th birthday. We had met through Tinder and were the first person each of us met in person from the app. It's been the most affirming, loving, and supportive relationship I've ever been in since our first date. He has helped me grow in ways I never knew I could and I am continually grateful for him and the work we've invested in each other. This has lead me to what feels like the next stage of my life; a more mature and grown identity to root myself into from past traumas. We held our wedding in our own backyard of our very first house. The planning, organization, and creation that went into our budgeted wedding proved incredibly stressful up to the day - even having to move it to our "rain date". But our wedding was better than I could've asked for, being surrounded by loved ones and everything else running quite smoothly. It will remain as one of the best days of my life along with our honeymoon trip to Canada.

3.) Within these incredibly positive life changing events, we were struck by the devastating lost of my beloved cat Newton in the month of September. I have never experienced such grief in loosing a pet and continue to be surprised by the inevitable force of sadness that still comes months later (though it hits less frequently). He was the first cat I ever owned and the first cat my now husband and I cared for together. I met Newt in a time I was fired from my first job as a graphic designer and was house/cat sitting for a friend of a friend. They told me they had been feeding a large white cat for some time and was working on bringing it to a shelter (they couldn't take him in because of the already live-in cat I was sitting for). Thankfully when my husband met Newt he agreed to house him in his apartment (I think it was instant love), which also in turn lead me to finally moving in with him. Newt brought me so much comfort, love, and joy - even from the moment we first met he was very affectionate. I had no idea that after 3-4 good years he suddenly fell ill to a chest condition with little hope of recovering. I had always thought he'd live out to a ripe old age since he was only 6-8yrs old when we adopted him, I thought he'd be there whenever I have my first kid at least. But within the unknown chaos of life it didn't happen that way and I lost my best bud very suddenly over a course of an emotionally exhausting month. I could continue on about how much this has hit me, but I won't. It's taken much time to feel easy again and still does sometimes when I look back on the many photos of him still in my photo gallery. On the brighter side, we still care for and are grateful to our little black cat Nadja who had only just come into Newt's life a year or so earlier. We are also grateful that the two were able to meet and get along for the time they had - it benefited them both to have each other even if briefly.

Within these 350 days of 2022 a lot has happened and that's not just within my little individual personal life. World events, news and social media, and technological developments have and will continue to be a huge presence in our lives. But to that point, these things that happen and surround me ultimately effect not just my life and others, but has chipped away at how I perceive myself to the world (mainly a lonely ghost). There is a never-ending frustration with continuing to keep myself present and even "relevant" online as I am an artist and someone who takes joy in creating and sharing art. I cannot live without it at this point, but I have very lingering to no connection to anything irl resembling a community of my peers or fellow artists. This may as well be concluded as lack of trying or will of involvement, so where else can we attempt connection if in person is too much? The internet of course. But - the results are the same because I have not felt like I made any progress of gaining any type of following or what some may call mutuals (save for the one or two and those I know irl) in the however many many years I've been around. Maybe I'm inconsistent, maybe I don't interact as much as I should to gain those connections, maybe I'm too slow or uninteresting, or maybe I assume too much. It could very well be the overwhelming algorithms present on many social platforms and/or the almost infinite amount of people present. But here I remain and continue to try things as best I can with as much as my ADD & depressed brain can handle. I've already put a lot of time, effort, and thought into this post (with multiple considerations of letting it rot in drafts). Inevitably though, the ending of the Gregorian calendar always brings energy of trying again in the next, the flicker of motivation to renew and promise something different. Things, of course, are always changing for better or worse. Things are always growing with or without an audience, and that's what I try to remind myself of. If doing things means spending all my energy to appeal constantly to something so vast and unpredictable, then I think I've been doing it wrong. 2022 has been good to me in many ways and has also crushed me in others. But all these things that will carry over with me into 2023 are ultimately hopeful, strong, and ready to keep on keeping on. If you've made it this far and somehow got through all of this text; Thank you so much. I appreciate you and your time and hope you found some sense of rapport. If you feel like it, check out my art or website - or even reach out if you want to. I have plans in the next year and remaining weeks to market myself as an artist and who knows how that will balance out with the life I keep. I hope you are well and take time to reflect and rest yourself in these dark cold winter months. I'll be back.