#I can't go back to a fucking hospital
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I need an extra push, I need to experience this in a much more concentrated way. I need to do something that will make it impossible to even consider existing another minute. Fuck you.
Fuck you. Fuck all of you.
#please do me a solid and send horrible anons and tell me to kms or whatever 🍍🆗#I can't go back to a fucking hospital#I really have to find a way to be exceptionally violent against- myself? the one part that wasn't that hate and ugly#I can do this...I can do this. I CAN do this. I am physically capable of what I need to do and therapy is teaching me ways to trick fear#I can graduate my plan by having the motivation determination and ability to execute something For Once in my Fucking Life#it's just therapy skills it's just exposure it's the same discomfort#I already often feel this anguish and trying to outsmart my brain to do the thing... that's what I'm already practicing#the trick is that I will have a blank iron conviction so absolute so cold so empty so thoughtless that I can actually convince myself#that I won't be doing what I'm about to do..even though--#I have to psyche myself out the opposite way#god can you imagine the fucking relief of realizing I finally actually did it bad/good enough that it's too fucking late and there's nothin#I can do to save myself even if I suddenly really want to try#I just have to keep this scaffolding in myself#I just need to not look down?#I need to be okay with the mundane horror of another wasted life another tragedy that really had no deeper reason for happening - it's just#it's just. full stop.#always had the will power now I need to try with better ways#btw helium is a no go as of a few years ago with 02 filler making it insufficient so .... fuck why can't we have the nice things long enoug#things are too safe
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Worth mentioning that I'm partially switching doctors bc when I was running all over the place trying to get my surgery shit set up in time, and I went to the bloodwork lab for the second time, I vented just a little bit to the woman who's been working there a long time. being like. I've had to do this and that and my doctor said this and that he can't find this... and she was like
Hmm.
You have Dr. (name of my doctor), don't you?
#SHE KNEW HIS NAME#his practice literally has a reputation at this lab for being a huge mess#bc she regularly gets his patients having to boomerang to the lab.................................#that was quite a day. this was some weeks back#ofc. since it was before surgery#sergle.txt#and she wrote down the name of this other dr. for me. and I haven't gone to see him yet#but he's at least never had his fucking license suspended#this wasn't the Reason but it was the Last Straw in deciding I'm not going back to this doc and I hope he dies#I was already becoming painfully aware that I think he's incompetent#and I was realizing that I was so upset about the idea of Him administering an EKG for me#him specifically. bc I had read that you gotta take your shirt off and ALSO YOUR BRA#even though when I got the ekg at another hospital I got to keep my bra off. but anyway#I SPECIFICALLY didn't want HIM to do it. and like. well I can't have him be my doctor if I feel that strongly.
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married firstprince au set 10ish years in the future where alex is a victim of an assassination attempt while him and henry are apart and the absolutely heartstopping, bone crushing fear when henry gets the call........ bonus points if they were in the middle of a fight at the time............. hold on. i'm throwing up on myself....
#GOD. Everyone shut up okay just shut up#Henry just doing his thing minding his business#fighting the everlooming stress of the fact that it's been six days since he's seen his husband#and the last time he saw him they were hurling biting words and insults at each other#(something they agreed to never do since they got married)#and he's already not sleeping because he can't sleep without Alex#so he's a bit miserable.#But then Shaan comes to him one morning and he KNOWS#The minute he looks at his face he feels his heart fucking drop down to his stomach#and he's just like 'tell me he's not dead. tell me'#and Shaan is like 'he's not but it's bad. We need to go'#So the whole flight Henry's just sat there torturing himself over every horrible word he's ever said to ALEX#of all people. It's stupid. The whole fight was stupid and none of it matters because the love of his life might be fucking#dead by the time he gets to the hospital. Anyways. Alex is in surgery again when he gets there#and he has to wait another EIGHT hours just for a doctor to come out and tell him Alex is fine it was touch and go for a minute there#but he really doesn't hear anything beyond 'Alex is fine.'#Anyways when Henry sees his husband he crawls into bed beside him (careful not to hurt him of course) and just holds him#(and cries softly because he's just had the worst twenty-four hours of his life)#and he's still holding him when Alex wakes up and the first words out of his mouth are 'hey baby' and that's when Henry really loses it#Alex drifts back off to sleep (not without mumbling a sleepy apology and an I love you)#but when he wakes up#they talk and Alex is just like 'I was so fucking scared I would hurt you the way your dad did' and Henry is like#'what do you mean sweetheart?' and Alex is like 'i don't want you to know the pain of losing me i don't want to do that to you'#which nearly sends them BOTH over the edge and it's all very tender and sweet.#Anyways then they make out and fall asleep together in the hospital bed#and it's the best sleep Henry has had in days.#the end#future wips#fandom: rwrb
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#lmao this is the worst#i just got denied my appointment for a formal autism diagnosis#after finally managing to send all the correct documents#their reason???? “oh your case isn't complex enough for us you should go see somewhere else”#like bitch i already have another fucking diagnosis that isn't even receivable#because no one fucking told me that you're actually supposed to go see a psychiatrist instead of a fucking therapist#and now you're telling me that i have to pay 400€ more to a psychiatrist just so they can tell me the same thing as last time#“oh we cant conclude anything cos adhd and autism are so close you're gonna have to go to the actual hospital to figure that one out”#just so i can come back in 2 years#like come on your creteria for taking people in was that they had to have had a diagnosis already#i fucking have one !!!!#im so tired of this#like i feel im never actually gonna see the end#why can't it just be easy for once#crying in class because of that shit was not on my bingo list for today
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it'd be sick, but i can totally see lucy reassuring tim that her injury(s) aren't as severe as they look to parallel allison's death in tw.
#*carly catalogs#i mean it's not like we know anything past the fact that she's going to be hospitalized#so who knows for sure what her injuries are going to be and how serious they are#oooohhh and that would also parallel so well with 5x06 when lucy was like...#'so just to be clear you thought you might be paralized but you were worried about me?'#this goddamn plotline has consumed me and it hasn't even aired yet GOD#the rookie#tim bradford#lucy chen#chenford#otp: you know me so well#teen wolf#allison argent#ngl one of the biggest reason i can't stand the tw movie is bc they fucking brought her back#i'm sorry but i don't care if it's a supernatural show#don't bring your characters back when they've been dead for a decade
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“lucas, i’m scared. i’m so scared. i’m so scared. i don't wanna die. i’m not ready. i don't wanna go! i’m not ready.” if the duffers kill max in s5 after that we will be having words.
#not only would it destroy the message of hope and perseverance in the face of personal struggles- the message that’s been a consistent#thread through all four seasons- it would make max’s first “death” scene incredibly pointless when it could have been#so impactful had it been real#obviously i very much want max alive and healthy and happy but there’s something so cinematic and so awe-inspiring about that#shot of max in lucas’ arms with el by her side and the blue light bouncing off their blood-and-tear-soaked faces#before the camera draws back and begins to spin over them... anyway. my point is:#i will be very angry if they end up killing max via coma when they had OPTIONS. well. one option. but it was a really extraordinary option.#her death in s5 despite /everything/ would cheapen the final season immensely and would come off as almost laughably#desperate- but above all so so CRUEL to max and her friends#if she can't live and she can't just die in the attic don't prolong her and her friends' suffering for a far less impactful departure#and furthermore if she can’t live don’t purposefully degrade the meaning and remove the consequences#of a visually and emotionally stunning moment to string along viewers who want to know if max is going to be okay either!!!!#they're already on thin ice from the whole 'el revives max' thing (which i will expand upon in another post) but i've made my peace with it#because it kept max alive and it would actually tear me in two if she died for real but even so. thin fucking ice. to drag max over to#another season after all of that fragile ice walking- only to pass on resolving her arc in a careful way- would be devastating.#in terms of emotional and visual impact we have ‘max actually dying in the creel attic’ up /here/#(imagine my hand hovering slightly above my hairline)#‘max pulling through the coma and learning to survive and thrive’ right /here/ (hand at eyeline)#and ‘max dying at the hospital’ allllll the way down /here/ (hand at stomach)#which would really fucking SUCK#to be clear i think she’s going to pull through the coma (thank god) because a) the duffers are cowarddddds and b) narrative reasons that#i don’t have enough time energy or tag space to elaborate on#but i also have trust issues from this season so i can envision a scenario in which they metaphorically pull the rug out from under#us and we all riot at dawn together <3#max mayfield#stranger things#s4 spoilers#**#millie talks#st 4
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Ugh I was excited for today until I found out I'd have to spend it with people that actively make me hate being alive hate the future and drain me off all energy physically mentally spiritually like a vampire I can't stand to be around her she is the definition of stupidity and even then that's generous as fuck this bitch has filled her brain with so much garbage I watch her brain cells die at alarming rates every single time she uses her vocal cords her giggles make me want to jam a sewing needle into my ear repeatedly so I can never have to hear it again its a friendly reminder that my parents decisions this time my dad's constantly makes me want to die
#i cant even shes just so dangerously stupid#she thinks energy drinks with natural caffeine are safe to give people who have been told by doctor doing take caffeine with thia meds#ahe thinks of a child is CHOCKING to lie them face down n rub their back#she has the evangelical woman voice worse then women I've met n that cult ahe giggles constantly and behaves like the stereotype lil german#boy just got a lollipop over.... everyone and everything whe acts likw an 11 year old I just got the first boyfriend and all they could talk#is how perfect their boyfriend is and they're so pretty good for that I pulled a boyfriend is and it's like a God thing that they met how#SOOOOOOOOOO in love while constantly nonstop touching ahe has to be touching him her hand on his thigh her atm linked with his her heaf on#his chest she has to be in her lap they make out all over the place IT'S DISGUSTING AND EMBARRASSING STOP SWAPPING SPIT#she started a i. hwr words 'love diary of their love journey' they hadn't been dateing 2 months her kids are spoiled fake Instagram bitches#with such shitty views on politics SHE'S A TRUMP FAN GIRL SHENLOVES TRUMP MY DAD BROUGHT IN A TRUMPIE#there's so much i cant even say because even admitting it on tumblr is too embarrassing i wanted.to.likw her i liked her the first day but#THE MORE I GET TO KNOW GET THE MORE N MORE N MISS RED FKAGS#she threw away all my siblings clothes school books toys uniforms for sports their in toys i bought them that week make up jewelry#in the disguise of helping clean house#while i was at the hospital the kids call me in tears i call her beg her to wait and nope.ahe didn't i found the bags by the curb i brought#my dad sided with hwr because 'she didn't mean any harm she didn't know sje was throwing them away'#my mom hasn't bsen dead a year he started dating right after ahe died#hes talking about marrying this woman this woman who has never had an honest educated thought once in her life#WHO ASLO SPEMDA MONEY LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR AHE CAME FROM A WITCH FAMILY HER LAST TWO HUSBANDA WERE TOUCH SHE HAS NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE COMMON#SHE SPENDS LIKE SHE STILL HAS MONEY WHEN SHE DOSE NOT AND IT'S LIKE YOU DID NOT JUST SPEND OVER 180 DOLLARS N PASTRIES GOD#SHES SO FUCKIN STUPID AND EVERY HOLIDAY SINCE MY MOM DIED WVERY FAMILY GWT TOGETHER BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK OR.DO ANYTHING WITH MOM'S SIDE#OF THE FAMILY ANYMORE SHE'S THERE EVERY WINGLE MOTHER FUCKIN WEEKEND SHES HERE I'M EXHAUSTED SHES PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DRAINING TO BE ARO#OUND SHES LIKE IF SOMEONE TOOK A GOLDEN RETRIEVER ON A DIET OF JUST FUCKIN COCAINE LITTLE GERMAN BOY WITH LOLLY AND CRUELLA DEVILLE AND FUSE#THEN TOOK A STRAW AND DRANK ALL THE SMARTS OUT OF THAT BEING#UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGH MY DADS GOIN TO NARRY RHIA BITCH SHES GOIN TO TRY TO BE A MOTHER TO ME AND MY SIBLINGS AND THEY'RE GOIN TO#be so fucked up because her kids are not ok SHE FUCKED THEM OVER BAD SHE HAS FOUR KIDS ALL ADULTS THEY'RE JUST WOW#I HATE MY LIFE I HATE WHAY FUTURE MY FAMILY IS GOIN TO BE THE GOOD THINGS IS I WON'T HAVE TO STAY I CAN GO N MAKE A NEW ONE WITH MY WIFE#FOR ME BUT MY SIBLINGS ARE FUCKED AND ANYTIME I WANT TO VISIT MY FAMILY YANDERE GOLDEN RETRIEVER BITCH WILL BE THERE WORMING HWR WAY IN#SHES CONSTANTLY CALLING N TEXTING MY DAD NONSTOP OF SHE'S NOT NEXT TO HIM AND IF HE CAN'T RESPOND INSTANT SHE FREAKS OUT N BUGS ME
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fuck waiting until friday to get my cardio appointment actually
#that's fucking it tomorrow is exactly a month since I've had this I'm going to the fucking hospital#I didn't know heart attacks aren't all sudden and sometimes have weeks of ongoing signs beforehand fuck that#I can't eat I'm too busy crying not entirely out of physical pain but also I never felt so lightheaded while crying this little#I hate my parents I hate how they believe family is the most important thing in the world but if I'm scared I'm just supposed to deal with#it on my own because they'll never bother to understand me I hate that I'm alone if my roomie was already back#she'd have helped me go the first night I felt something wrong#why do I always have to do everything I'm so tired#i love alexythymia i love so much neglect growing up that I can't understand my needs physical or emocional and just have to endure it#I love you dead is the new alive that started playing on the other room rn really comforting#delete later
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you know you've played too many video games when your mom dies and your first impulse is to try to find a previous save so you can go back and stop it from happening.
#this is the bad ending#i feel like I'm in a dream but I can't be because I can't will things into existence#I keep trying to bring up the menu so I can go back and prevent this#it feels like my fault#i feel so fucking guilty#she died because she tripped and hit her head#and if i'd bugged her harder to get a roommate#then#that roommate would have maybe gotten her to the hospital in time
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mental health facilities looooove to only have inpatient available when it would make things worse
#''you have to be proactive and search for treatement'' I DID#I SHOWED UP A MONTH AGO AND ASKED TO BE HOSPITALIZED#DONT TELL ME NOW ''ooh the only thing we can propose is hospitalization why are you here''#IT'S MY LAST RESORT OKAY#everything else is blocked off#i have no idea what i'm supposed to do#i absolutely do not trust any of your sections to handle eating disorders in a way that's adapted to my case#this system is fucking hostile to anybody who doesn't have the exact same priorities than the official ones#or who has slightly unusual problems#or who doesn't want to sacrifice all happiness to appear healthy#jesus fucking christ#i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna try to get an appointment for the fucking. psychological center or whatnot they gave me#im gonna try to get back in contact with the hospital nutritionist#but my question is fucking: what for#the plan is like: complete this program of painful things for this goal you don't want and then you're allowed back into human life#okay sorry i can't live without hurting literally everybody around me have you considered euthanasia instead perhaps#i'm not interested in achieving your goals#i just want to be okay and live an okay life just let me go back to school#post cancelled actually i just remembered again the problem is me#the problem is me the problem is me and as long as i live i will be me with me#broadcasting my misery#vent
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Fuck medschool so so much omggg
#I'll have to go back after my last exams to finish this stupid fucking rotation#It's only two weeks but two weeks they're taking from my SummerOfFreeTime I've been dreaming of for YEARS#I was hoping we would be enough students in the unit to take some vacation but it seems like it will not be the case#Like at best I'll get to leave early but I'll have to go eveyday I think#Fuck them lol I'll do anything to leave early and I will go out every night if I want and I'm gonna be so fucking useless#Like I don't even give a shit about this speciality I was curious about it for like two days but that unit fucking sucks the week I spent#there were some of the worst of my whole training and lord knows how shitty our rotations usually are lol#I hate being a medstudent it's the worst fucking status to have in hospital your exploited and underpaid they justify it by telling you it's#your formation not a job but then they make you all the shitty tasks and don't give you formation#+ they ask you stuff you're not supposed to do#Sometimes the paramedical team hates your guts from day one they don't even give you a chance#In this particular unit the nurses were so rude lol can't wait to see them again#Also you depend on other so much sometimes you just have to stay here with nothing to do just in case the might need you later to do some#Random shit again lol
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#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but#not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about.#that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends#that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even#considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF...#like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy)#but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car#crash or fix me soup when I'm sick.#like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad#and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship#right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go#if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through#the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!!#and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after#she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think#anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore#but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst#Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that#this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me#WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!!#*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today#and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore!#In the Vents#GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS
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Can't imagine ever feeling bad about being single when Reddit exists. Today in cis het men are hot garbage.
Tw for traumatic childbirth, medical trauma, coercion, gaslighting and medical abuse and fucking troglodyte manchild of a husband. Jesus fucking Christ.
#the fact that people are made to push their babies out while flat on their backs will never not be appalling to me#the natural birth position is squatting or on all fours#what the fuck is wrong with western medicine#if i ever have a baby I'd be torn between having it at home with a midwife‚ which honestly feels less scary‚#or a hospital where i can get an epidural because i am really pain averse#my doctor friend says she tries to discourage epidurals because in her experience something always ends up going wrong#the pain is supposed to be a signifier of what to do#and how and when to push#it's unlikely to be a problem for me bc i'm divorced ace disabled and poor#i can't imagine being able to afford a child even though i really want one#still. the patient is the expert on their own body. this rule should be iron clad when it comes to pregnancy and birthing#i think being against cis male gynaecologists is too radfem but then stuff like this happens#obviously cis female gynos and nurses can also be horrible but this kind of numbskullery might be not as common#cis het men are a goddamn plague jfc#knee of huss#r/relationships#reddit
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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guess who failed at drawing skeletons.
#it's been too long since i've drawn them so now I'm just forced to continue the spiral with my new hyperfixation#the hyperfixation is bnha also known as specifically hawks and aizawa#my taste in people is so weird#(also i refuse to admit to my thing with present mic. he just. exists. in my brain. rotating.)#south talks too much#meow.//#tag ranting time huehe#anyways i cannot handle watching these poor boys getting so gravely injured. LIKE STOP NO WAIT WHY-- they're just babey SOB#MOSTLY hawks. stop no get your wings back you bastard you can't just lose one of your defining features you hAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR#he didn't die but still#give him back his wings </3#aizawa was p badass when he cut his own fucking leg off tho. like he did it no hesitation. BRO WHAT HOW. also the one scene#like where he's in the hospital and mic is just. AWW MIC NOOO BABYYY#why you so SAAAD#it's making me go crazy#punch punch punch stop removing their limbs and stuff#i'm going to start writing fics where no one gets hurt. it's all nice and happiness and fluff with the occasional 20k chapter of pure angst#sorry that was. rant.
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wake me up when everything stops going to shit
#i'm not having a good time rn#got confirmation the water damage is back and NEW and coming from probably the neighbor's unit#strong possibility that we'll have to redo at least a third of the repair we just fucking finished#which we can't afford#and im just...#i'm a camel waiting for that last final straw because i can FEEL that the next bs that hits is gonna break me#i have negative resiliency rn#have for a while#and in context that makes sense#but it also sucks ass because right as i get out of my own personal hellscape the entire world goes further into global ones#and i have no capacity to cope because i used it all up already#i don't even know if i have the ABILITY to regain resiliency anymore or if i used that all up too#and none of it is the kind of shit therapy will help with#because the problems hitting me now are all *waves at the state of the world rn*#economic political environmental#not even getting into the shit going on with my health lately#like yes the hospital saved my life but i picked up AT LEAST two new infections that have LINGERED while i was there
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