#r/relationships

[cassandralie]

[amithedevil]

[decolonize-the-left]

You know

I keep running across the ideas that "I don't owe anyone anything. I'm not obligated to help or take care of anyone except myself" and "I'm not toxic for taking care of myself" being used as justifiable reasons to set boundaries that would deprive someone else of their needs.

Specifically in the sense that people who need support- people like the mentally ill, insecure, traumatized, or otherwise- are not entitled to anyone's support. That their feelings and needs are their responsibility and their responsibility alone to manage, especially in contexts where their needs can affect someone else's ability to take care of themselves.

Wrong.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

For so many reasons this logic is disgusting but primarily because it's abusive. Like really listen to yourselves. Broken down this line of thinking absolutely normalizes the ideas that it's okay for relationships to be unbalanced, that viewing relationships as dehumanizing transactions is progressive, that it's Okay to ignore your friend/partner's unmet needs, that relationships don't exist for both people to enjoy but that they exist for your pleasure and personal growth.

But they are entitled to outside support actually, ESPECIALLY from friends and their partner(s). And if YOU personally can not provide that kind of support then that means that you personally are not the kind of friend or partner they need. It means YOU can't handle being their friend. It means they aren't entitled to that care from You specifically. It doesn't mean they aren't entitled to it at all. So if you are what's standing between them and their needs then respond accordingly and exit the relationship. Because your boundaries do not give you the right to deprive someone else of their needs. Period.

A boundary is not "I can't handle this so YOU change your behavior (and stop asking for x) to make sure you don't cross this boundary"

A boundary is "I can't handle this so if you cross this boundary I will change MY behavior in any way I need to in order to prevent it from happening again"

Other people aren't Toxic or whatever for unapologetically having needs that you can't provide. They aren't toxic for Expecting their friends/partner to help them get their needs met either. It isnt toxic for literally ANYONE to ask and expect their needs to be met.

That said, I know not everyone is capable of meeting everyone else's needs. And that's okay. You don't need to meet Every single need your friend/partner has. You don't need to be capable of meeting the needs of every single person you come across either. People also have a variety of needs and those needs can be completely different from person to person.

Find the people you ACTUALLY fit together with. Find the people who's needs you CAN meet.

It's okay to get into a relationship and then find out you're not a good match. That's literally fine, it's part of the human experience. There is no law that says you have to stay friends or completely change who you are to be compatible. Being incompatible isn't toxic. You're not a bad person for being able to admit when a relationship would be unhealthy for you or someone else to stay in.

Sometimes it'll be sad or frustrating because aside from incompatible needs maybe you're completely compatible, maybe they're the coolest person you've ever met, maybe you love them more than you loved anyone, maybe you share Everything in common... But none of that is a good enough reason to stay in a relationship or friendship where someone is being dehumanized.

Your boundaries are not a good enough reason to justify dehumanizing the people around you. You are not Entitled to dehumanize others just because you can't meet their needs. And they aren't obligated to put up with it.

So no it's not toxic to look out for yourself, but that idea is not mutually exclusive from the idea that it is toxic to think you deserve to stay in relationships where your behavior and choices cause harm to the other person. And it's insidious that there are people who have heard this line and then gone on to call their mentally ill friends "red flags" for having the audacity to be higher support than they personally could handle. That is toxic.

[minyicho]

[hussyknee]

Can't imagine ever feeling bad about being single when Reddit exists. Today in cis het men are hot garbage.

Tw for traumatic childbirth, medical trauma, coercion, gaslighting and medical abuse and fucking troglodyte manchild of a husband. Jesus fucking Christ.

[samusaran221]

Do you think the guy who dressed as Naruto to get revenge on his girlfriend for larping as an elf during his cousins chemo Zoom session are still together??

[amithedevil]

[mopeymousey]

it is legitimately sad to me how many of my clients express an issue to their partner and the partner just...doesn't care. says "That's a you problem." or "It doesn't bother me so I don't see why we have to fix it."

This isn't a healthy relationship or communication style. If it bothers your partner, it's an issue that you need to tackle together. Even if you perceive it to be stupid or unimportant.

Maybe the end result is that you were wrong and the person is right that you need to change your thoughts / behaviors. Regardless, if it's an issue to one of you, it's an issue to both of you.

[urbruiseddolly]

them promising to only put the tip in, but then putting their whole dick in at once "I'm sorry darling, but you feel so good and tight around me, I couldn't help it"

[thehopefulquotes]

So, if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me because I, too, am fluent in silence.

R. Arnold

[sillydumbdoll]

struggling to get into position 😣