#I did not know that was a thing beyond that one commercial

[soranatus]

DOCTOR CYBER IN OTHER MEDIA:

Justice League Unlimited (2006)

Batman: Brave and the Bold #4 (2009)

Wonder Woman: Bloodlines (2019)

Serving Up Justice #4 (2021)

[born-in-hell]

Hi!

As some of you might know, southern Brazil, specifically the state of Rio Grande do Sul, has been struck by heavy rains and a consequential flood. The rains started on monday (29/abr) and only stopped today (5/mai), in Porto Alegre ─ the state capital, and the city i live in ─ and in the other cities nearby.

The lake that borders PoA (named Guaíba) has reached more than 5m up its normal level. This is higher than on the historic 1941 flood. The city's center ─ a big residential and commercial hub, beyond being the host of most of our public services (such as the city hall and the state government) ─ is completely taken by the water. Many other neighbourhoods were also affected.

Smaller cities that also border Guaíba were even more heavily affected, such as Eldorado do Sul, whose territory was almost 100% flooded.

The state is, for a lack of a better word, abandoned by the people that were supposed to aid.

Our governor, Eduardo Leite, is more worried about his plitical campaign ─ making dramatic videos, changing his facebook pfp to one of him with a public defense vest, making streams with no useful information ─ than with the people's lives. This year, he destinated only R$50.000 (~ USD250.000) for the Civil Defense. For the entire year. He is now, delegating the responsibility of recuperating our state to the Federal Government, stating that "the rbuilding of the RS will demand a Marshall Project".

Porto Alegre's mayor, Sebastião Mello, has vanished. He sold our city out to big enterprises ─ Melnick, Zaffari and Panvel, mainly ─, and hasn't destined any public resources to maintaining the Mauá wall (a wall built after the 1941 flood with a system made to protect the city from other floods), which caused many points to fail and the water to invade the city.

This is the danger we all face with a neoliberal system.

Neoliberalism is an individualist ideology. All these people and companies I named did close to nothing to help us. Or even made it worse. The Civil Defense, for example, published a map of all the areas that would be affected, but had to take it back, since it didn't consider the topography.

Its the people for the people.

This situation is being aided by people using their own resources. Donations of various natures and volunteer work. It is very beautiful, in a way. It shows that colaboration and union can do great things. It shows, at least to me, that the world can reach, one day, a self sustaining way of living, contrary to the ultra-individualistic capitalism some preach. Humans can, and are, good.

But it also lays out how much the people that govern us failed us.

Human lives were lost because of their negligency.

This flood isn't normal. It is a product of the huge levels of degradation multi-billionaire companies are causing the world, supported by higher class and their representatives. Eduardo Leite changed almost 500 points of our state's Environmental Code, for the worst, when he was first elected in 2019. His actions, and the actions of all other neoliberal politicians, such as our ex-president Bolsonaro, are what created this situation. They are responsible for everything that is going on here.

This flood isnt the only environmental crisis this state has faced in the last 6 months. This isn't the last one that will happen.

This text is, beyond a personal vent, a warning. We need to keep fighting against a system that is actively trying to kill us. Please, do not support ideals and people ─ especially if said people will rule you ─ that go against the environment, that preach that the capital, the money, the posesions, are more important than lives. Of the people, of the animals, of the environment. Fight for a better world, i know there can be one.

Always be aware of the climate in your areas. Things like this won't happen only here. Please be safe.

Sorry for the long post.

If you're interested in donating, @decaf-lesbian made this post with some links for international and national donations.

-> If you're from Brasil, check this link, that has a copilation of maps of risk areas, shelters, places to donate to, etc, made by a UFRGS student.

[toji-girl]

can you please do a smut with a really heavily pregnant reader x tojii fushiguro? she's feelin' bad with her body and him show her he will love her and her body forever (they gonna have twins

please soft and lover boy Toji will always have my heart ldfjet

tags: 18+ only content - mdni + pregnant fem reader + explicit smut + soft! Toji

You enjoyed being pregnant thoroughly, it seemed that it was a very easy one, the morning sickness didn't last for long but you for sure were more sensitive and emotional and the further you got along the worse it got until it felt like all you did was cry over something small.

Toji would come home after work to hear you sniffling as you settled on the couch with a bowl balanced on your belly that was swollen and round with twins, a boy, and a girl who loved to kick like crazy.

As soon as he was over the threshold in the living room he was by your side rubbing your stomach leaning down to pepper his unborn babies in kisses before meeting your lips in a slow kiss. "Hi, baby."

You couldn't help but feel the warmth that spread across your face as he paid attention to you before he perched next to you. "Hi, I missed you so much. Dinner is in the oven for you." You told him softly nuzzling into him before moving to get up before he stopped you.

"Missed you too darlin' and I told you not to cook nothin' for me, you're carrying my babies so you need to take it easy woman." He grumbled appreciating the work you put in for him nonetheless.

He gave you another soft kiss before he disappeared into the kitchen groaning when he could smell his favorite, meat and offal which he brought back to the couch where he sat next to you letting you feed him despite his protesting he loved it when you did these things.

It showed that you cared for him. "I'm pregnant, I can still get up and do things." You told him before resting your head on his shoulder snuggling into him as you both watched TV, the commercials showed off a pair of models making you shift in your seat uncomfortably.

They were beautiful and didn't look like a cow you thought to yourself, and while you loved being pregnant you really didn't feel the prettiest with a round swollen belly, breasts that leaked milk, swollen ankles and you were beyond sensitive, physically and emotionally.

Toji took notice of your demeanor when you sighed.

"What's the matter?" He husked letting his hand drift down to your stomach rubbing the spot where he could see his son kicking, his foot pressing into you. You watched him unsure what to say at first.

He curled his finger under your chin tilting your head back when he looked at you, his eyes narrowed slightly. "Talk to me sweetheart, that's what I'm here for, mhm?" His voice was soft as he spoke to you.

Tears glistened in the corner of your eyes as you stared at him before bursting into tears. "I know I'm not pretty anymore and I'm-" You were silenced with a kiss that took away your breath when you pulled back.

"Let's go to the bedroom. I'll show you just how pretty you are." His tone held no room for argument as he got off the couch before helping you up, his hand on your lower back as he guided you down the hallway and into your shared room where he turned the lights on.

Any of your protests were hushed with more kisses as he helped you settle onto the bed which dipped with the combined weight, his breath fanned against you as he untied your robe. "You are the most drop-dead gorgeous woman to exist who is carryin' my babies, I'm one lucky bastard to even look at you let alone touch your sweet body, kiss those pretty lips, caress your beautiful breasts." He husked.

You were unable to look at him as heat coursed through your face until it tinged your entire being while his eyes took in your bare body that was displayed for him. He deftly spread your legs wide open to lean in and inhale your musk before he kissed your pussy slowly.

His hands roamed your body as he continued to lavish you in love and open-mouthed kisses as he made out with your cunt until it looked like glass. "So perfect, and you're all mine. I won't let you talk about yourself like this, say you're beautiful or I won't let you cum."

Toji would no doubt leave you here until you muttered those words with conviction. Your eyes shifted to look at him between your legs as he pushed two thick fingers inside you with a soft wet squelch. "Well? I'm waiting." He murmured leaning in again to taste you.

Your fingers curled into his hair as you rolled your hips the best you could. "I'm beautiful." You uttered and huffed when he pulled away to tug the belt through his loops as he continued to finger fuck you.

"Yes, you are." He replied with a smug grin as he sucked your clit into his mouth before letting go with a wet pop before he was shedding his pants and boxers letting them pool around his knees, he was getting impatient and wanted to feel your cunt snug around him.

Toji cradled the back of your head as he hunched over you careful to keep his weight off you as he stroked in and out building you to that pleasurable height only he could take you to. "Toji! Feels so good!"

He couldn't help but smile as he slowed the pace letting you feel every inch. "Feel how hard you make me? You're my sweet and pretty wife carrying our son and daughter, you do so much for me so let me take care of you, yeah? Be a good girl and cum on my cock." He urged you softly peppering your face with light kisses.

His words swirled in your head as you absorbed his praise feeling your climax burst open, your pussy milking Toji as you nuzzled your face into the crook of his neck listening to him whisper sweet nothings in your ear as he finally reached his own peak.

You clung to him as he waited for the both of you to come down from the high, his hands roaming your body praising each inch and telling you his favorite parts until you were sobbing in his arms only for him to shush you with more sweet words and kisses that left you dizzy.

[nonsensefromtheabyss]

Alastor Analysis

(Throwing my hat into the ring because the smiley fucker has me in a headlock. Warning; long and potentially insane. God I hope the cut works.)

I think something significant is gonna go down with Alastor in the next few episodes. I think the man is slipping.

Something that sticks out to me on rewatch is that Husk isn’t worried by the lights flickering or Alastor’s voice changing (the usual signs of him getting vicious.) He doesn’t look scared when the collar appears; his initial order of reactions actually goes ‘surprised’, ‘bitch please’, and then he starts doing damage control. It takes Alastor pulling on the chain to make him stop and actually look at how angry the overlord actually is. It says a lot to me that Husk’s first reaction is to be pissed off. He looks like he’s recognising that his bitchy demon master isn’t going to take any advice and he’s gonna be made to back off—and he’s angry about that. 

To detail, the fact that he approaches Alastor directly with his concerns and not Charlie (you know; the all-powerful, hotel owning, hell princess whose daddy’s in town), and puts the focus on him possibly getting into trouble means that Husk did all this out of a sense of concern or compassion. Husk isn’t acting purely in the interests of the hotel here, he’s trying to protect Alastor. This is a genuine offer of advice being thrown in Husk’s face for no apparent reason beyond arrogance; he has every right to be pissed off, and he is. He’s angry with Alastor and he shows that even as he’s shutting up. Angry, not scared.

Husk bitching about Alastor isn’t unusual. He cares enough to try and help the bastard out. The way he interacts with the conversation initially indicates to me that means he normally feels safe enough to do things like this. He’s comfortable calling his master out. He’s doing his best to stop Alastor making some kind of mistake. He is trusted with the information that Alastor isn’t a free man himself. When the chain appears, he’s frustrated, he cedes ground… but he isn’t scared. 

I don’t think Alastor manifesting Husk’s chains is unheard of in their relationship—Alastor’s a mean bitch who only tolerates a little bit of poking before he snaps—but I do think that the pulling of that chain is usually as bad as it gets. That’s the point where Husk stops talking but hasn’t started looking worried yet. Husk was probably fully expecting that being knocked to the floor would be the end of the matter. 

He’s scared—the most scared we’ve ever seen him—only after Alastor goes Radio Demon on him, and that’s why I think it’s something he’s never had happen before. Husk wasn’t expecting that degree of reaction at all. And I think it’s a sign that Alastor is starting to lose it.

We know the smile is fake. We know it’s a form of self-imposed self-discipline that’s as rigid as it is insane. And we now have it confirmed that Alastor has some pretty aggressive insecurities that are eating away at him behind the facade. Last time he was seen as ‘less than’ he slaughtered hide way to the top of the Pride Ring

Going episode by episode, there’s a subtle pattern of Alastor getting progressively more snubbed, which isn’t really what you expect when you’re introduced to the character in the Pilot. Vaggie describes him as someone of almost mythic power and, even with Angel’s levity and irreverence, that’s the impression that sticks, cemented by the way he takes out Sir Pentious. You get an immediate impression of what Alastor was like at the very top of his game.

You know: before the Seven Year Absence.

In the first episode, there’s the advert. The video advert. It’s all played for jokes (as it should be) but if you look at it as a first domino it makes sense. It’s our reintroduction to Alastor as a character: he’s made a terrible, unhelpful tv commercial and the ‘good’ one (we never get to see) was made with significant help. He clearly loathes having to do it, and he’s clearly got no real skill in it (if he did, he’d be showing off because he’s unbearably vain, you all know this is true.) He’s out of his element and he’s not adjusting quickly enough; people don’t know him from the radio anymore because Vox has the monopoly in entertainment.

Speaking of, in the Second Episode, we get Vox, aka the first and only person who gives a damn where deer boy went. Vox gives this shit by playing dress up and writing a diss track which Alastor immediately co-opts to make him rage quit. The song slaps—Alastor’s part in the song slaps… but it’s worth pointing out that Vox is the only person shown caring that The Radio Demon is back; the other two V’s are mildly entertained because they have renewed lease to absolutely dunk on Vox, and, while the crowds are drawn to the radio, they don’t look… bothered. There’s no big reaction of ‘dear god, it’s him (the deer god)’. Granted, we don’t see their response to the threat, but tbh if any radio threatens you with a return to The Bad Old Days the only honest reaction is to be a little scared, you don’t need to be in Hell for that.

In any case, regardless of how much he sucked at it, Vox still felt confident enough to make his little coping track public in the first place. He felt certain enough about Alastor’s lack of standing to make his own insecurities into a musical. The cultural idea of Alastor and his mythos has degraded enough for people to take potshots and then broadcast those potshots for funnsies. It’s pretty far from where we started in the Pilot with Vaggie not even wanting him past the door.

Third Episode… people of the conference room, please raise your right hand if you care why this staticky twink has been gone for seven years. *cue the deafening silence of no hands being raised*

Alastor is shut down and dismissed entirely in front of every other overlord at once, and it happens without consequence. He can’t do dick. He can’t play up the mystery, or draw them in to his narrative, or do anything to take control of the room. No one asked, no one cares. The meeting (which, if Carmine’s surprise at seeing him there is any indicator, he might not have even been directly invited to) moves on. I’m almost certain that the only reason he played coy with Zestial was because he thought he could have that Moment with everyone there and listening. He wants so desperately to be listened to.

We know that the hierarchies in Hell are less about who could actually make you eat concrete and more a popularity contest. That’s made explicitly clear in the first episode with low level sinners tearing strips off of Charlie, and clearer still in Helluva Boss where Stolas gets disrespected by the whole club for his messy personal business—in song form. And what I’ve not actually seen anyone else talking much about is how Alastor may be a very physically powerful demon but he’s getting no respect from any of his old peers. Sure, maybe the masses are spooked, but it’s not to the point where it’s making anyone else lose their chokehold. The people huddled around his radio still flick their eyes back to Vox’s screens when he talks. The egg boys ask him inane personal questions the same way they would anyone else. His own peers neither respect him nor care that he’s come back. Nobody has shown (positive) interest in the hotel now that it’s his personal enterprise.

We’re told the time skip was five months. We have no idea if things have changed in those five months, but Alastor starts Episode 5 palpably agitated. I’m guessing things didn’t go up for him. I’m guessing that it’s setting in for him that this is the vibe now, and the only person who actually thinks him untouchable is, well, him.

Add Lucifer. Suddenly, his business partner might not actually need him at all, either as help or an emotional connection, because she can replace them with her father, the actual king of Hell, who doesn’t like him; there’s an infinitely more powerful and capable demon in what is functionally Alastor’s home; said powerful demon has no fucking clue who Alastor even is, the role he plays, or the effort he’s invested (regardless of reason) into Charlie’s project, and there is no Alastor Approved way of making any respect happen on that front. As far as he’s concerned, he’s looking at a brick wall with FUCK YOU PERSONALLY graffitied on it.

Regarding the songs with Alastor in them, both of them are serving two purposes; the first is to piss off someone who slighted him, but I think the second is to reassert to everyone present his importance specifically after an instance of them forgetting. With Vox the primary objective is roasting the other overlord into shut down and the secondary is warning everyone listening that he’s still a viable threat despite what they just heard. With Lucifer, the first goal is to piss harder than the devil, but the second is reminding Charlie that he’s important and he has a place with them. Little as he’d like to admit it, it’s two cases of Alastor demanding a return to the way things usedto be. He wants to be the most terrifying thing on the wavelengths by default, and is willing to short out the power supply to all Hell to get that; he wants to be valued so much by the people around him that the most important man in Hell can’t just supplant him by being there. Obviously it doesn’t work out like that, but a self-absorbed nightmare man can dream.

And then Husk brings up the idea that he might be vulnerable on top of All That. It’s the final straw. He has spent the last few episodes very subtly scrabbling for a shred of acknowledgement and his bitch ass is getting none. 

Mimzy, if I’m allowed to speculate a little, is deliberately thrown into the mix at this juncture because of how she relates to Alastor in juxtaposition to the damage his seven year absence and unspecified deal has done to his reputation; she wants to hide behind his coattails because he’s the big, scary Radio Demon who can protect her from anything, because who in their right mind would cross him? She’s literally a part of his old life. She’s reacting to him the way everyone did seven years ago—with complete and total faith in his ability to be an unholy monster at a moment’s notice.

Being told ‘hey, maybe she’s in deeper shit than you can shovel because someone’s tying your hands’ is, to Alastor, just another snub in a long, illustrious line, and this time it’s personal because it’s coming from Husk. It’s not just a newly popular medium he’s no good with, or Vox with his haterection, or a meeting he can’t derail with his personal life, or a boardroom full of equals he newly means nothing to—it’s his own people thinking he’s not capable anymore. And Husk is happy to say that with literally the most powerful man in Hell right there for comparisons in inadequacy. Going full dial eyes on him isn’t just an over-vicious retaliation, it’s a demonstration and reminder of what Alastor is capable of… and it’s probably done for himself as much as it’s about putting Husk back in his place. 

Because that’s what Alastor used to be able to do; make all the other overlords cower on their knees at his feet while he regaled them with all the ways in which they could fuck off. 

Seven years of possibly not entirely voluntary absence… and this is the closest to that he can get. A guy whose soul he owns, who will be back to snarking in a few days time, having to be dragged into prostrating himself on the carpet. One of the few people who inexplicably give a shit about him promising to shut up only on pain of death.

And at the end of the episode everything he’s done means nothing and he has to tell Mimzy to leave anyway… and he’s subdued and uncomfortable about it. She’s his friend, one of the few people willing to tolerate him, and apparently one of the last people to share the perception he has of himself… and he has to tell her to go because the reality is that he, for whatever reason, is not making choices which are entirely his own. The reality is that Husk may be right; Alastor’s grip on everything and everyone around him is, for a variety of reasons, not as strong as it used to be. The guy is unravelling behind the mask; he’s insufferably proud and it’s starting to strangle him.

The point of all this is, there’s a pattern of escalation here. I think Alastor is out of his depth and it’s going to start showing. I think he’s going to make some sort of desperate bid for control to get his standing back. I think he’s going to have to reckon with his own disappearance. And… I don’t think it’s gonna be pretty.

TLDR: My Beloved is a time bomb and him dominating Husk was just the alarm going off. I believe this with my whole heart because of Reasons.

(Side note: I think it’s been sidelined and/or cut due to season constraints and the show being rushed to shit by production, but I do believe Charlie and Al must have some kind of bond. It’s been five months of living together and she doesn’t turn around and refute his claims or even look surprised by them, which implies to me that the events are true if not the presentation. Obviously the girl’s got daddy issues and Al doesn’t actually see her as a daughter, but I really don’t think that equals ‘there’s no fond feelings here at all.’ Plus everyone else is there watching their nonsense; while Alastor has 0% shame, I’m pretty sure someone else (Vaggie) would have something to say if him claiming affection for Charlie was as left field for them as it was for us. Really wish we had more time for relaxed character interactions to let dynamics breathe, there was such potential in HH’s concepts but I feel like we’re skipping whole chunks. I want the dumb beach episode, you know?) 

[emmyrosee]

are u down 4 sum lil angst?? well, i'm just curious how would it be being the famous star volleyball player, Sakusa Kiyoomi's TOTGA?

YOU HAD N O RIGHT MATE

ok so fun emmy history, back when I was a wee child and before the miya twins were even a thing, i wrote a self insert that I’m still weirdly proud of today so congratulations, you scratched that memory HHEISBSOSN-

Hey! Future Emmy here. so... major tw; kiyoomi is very mean, extremely toxic, and i for sure went overboard, but there's a lot of blaming and yelling and just. ugh. this piece hurt my own heart smh.

-

But listen. You slipped into Sakusa Kiyoomi’s life surprisingly. He wasn’t expecting you or even just to date at all, you were just at the right places in the right times where he finally felt at ease in your presence. You just understood who he was beyond surface level, and he’d never had that in someone before.

You loved him before he was cool, before he was anyone other than a top ace in Japan. You were the first to tell him it was okay to mess up, do something other than eat drink and sleep volleyball, even if he wants it to take up most of his time.

Time, he no longer has, when he gets injured.

It wasn't like it was an inopportune time- though, as a college athlete, there really is no good time to get injured- if anything, it was spontaneous and had he not had dreams of making it big, he'd never think twice of it.

But he gets injured. Junior year of college, just as his name starts to grow in the industry, and he gets injured. Bad ankle, it’s actually a former injury from his childhood that apparently didn’t heal right.

There’s articles that spread about Bokuto Koutarou, how he’s climbing the ranks and how Miya Atsumu, the same little rat who bothered him in high school received an offer from god knows what team, and he’s fuming.

That should be him and his setter getting those offers and climbing that ladder, it’s been him and him alone for years, and he knows it's bitter to hate people for their successes, but its not fucking fair, he deserves more than this.

He deserves more than doctors trying to encourage surgery to heal at the sacrifice of volleyball, he deserves more than flowers and cards of best wishes, more than Miya Atsumu texting him to see if he's okay, he deserves more than any being on earth could give him.

And that includes you.

"Baby, did you finally call the surgeon?" You ask, coming in with a water bottle and a cup of his meds.

Apparently, that's more than enough to set him off.

"I don't need surgery."

He hears you sigh, "the doctor says the tear is too big just for physical therapy, you'll need the extra support-"

"In case you forgot, I was fucking there."

His breath becomes hot, and he can't peel his eyes from the commercials playing on the tv. The room suddenly feels suffocating, and of he could will himself to do it, he'd apologize and tell you he loves you, he's just tense and hurt, and he's grateful you're here, and-

"I'm the one who's life is going down the tubes. Fun fact."

The other thoughts in his mind are static. merely an incoherent buzz. You're his victim now, to his ugliest sides that therapy and his family prodded back years ago.

There's no one to prod it back now.

"I... I didn't mean any harm, I promise-"

"You really shouldn't talk to me right now," he snarls, rage bubbling and clawing away at his soul. There's a bubbling of tears that rip at his waterline in a demand to fall, but he's blinded to anything else.

He hates his life. He hates his ankle. He hates his doctors for telling him it may not heal right ever.

He hates you.

"Kiyoomi, please-"

He bears his teeth like a dog in an attack, and you flinch back slightly. "If you hadn't fucking distracted me, this never would've happened." He hears you whine in your throat.

he ignores it.

"I was fine," he barks. "I was happy before you. I was strong, I was powerful, I was a damned force to be reckoned with." He crawls closer to you on the couch, and when you cower to try and get away, he chases your body with his torso.

When you stand up, he does too. His leg lights every single nerve up in a blaze of agony, but he's too gone in his own rage to think about it.

"I... I know you're mad, but please, sit down Kiyoomi-"

You're right.

"Shut the hell up!"

Even on one foot, he towers over you threateningly. You bring your hands up to try and force distance between you both; your touch does ground him slightly, but not enough to stop his scorn.

You sniffle softly, clearly uncomfortable, "you're just mad... and that's okay. Please stop shouting at me, we can make this work, kiyoomi."

Now, his eyes are scalding with furious tears.

"I want this to work, oomi... please, stop shouting-"

“It doesn’t matter if you want it to work,” he snaps. “I’ve got a plan to stick to that’s already been screwed because of us, AND IT'S YOUR GODDAMNED FAULT!"

When you sob and crumple to your feet, there’s a small part of kiyoomi that comes to, the words suddenly sour on his tongue. He feels… confused, he doesn’t know where it came from inside of him, but the way your eyes water from his words snaps him back to reality.

“I’m… im ruining your plan?” You choke, and god kiyoomi wants the floor to engulf him whole. Because duh, of course now you’re not he’s just the scum of the earth, you’re all he can think of wanting in this shitty life, but he can’t say that, not when your hands cover your mouth in distress and horror, tears slipping over your fingers. He feels the blood leave his face when you take a step back, followed by another, then one as you turn on your heel to leave.

“Wait-“

“No, Kiyoomi,” you snap, and its his turn to feel your rage, your head whipping to look at him in betrayal. “No. I’m officially done waiting for you.”

And despite the fact that he wants to chase you, wants to gather you in his arms and pin you to the wall and demand you listen to him, listen to why his plan has changed and how you’ve completely ruined all of it in the best ways, he can’t. His leg throbs at the mere idea.

He just. Stands there, frozen for god knows how long, staring at the long slammed door, wondering if you’d come back for something you’d forgot in your exit. Something dumb, like a charger or a water bottle, something easily replaceable but you wanted from him just as a last chance makeup.

But you don’t. And once his good leg starts to cramp from standing there, he slowly moves his way to his bedroom.

And he’s fine. Honest!

Sitting by himself in the cold of night gives him more time to think about the future. The one without you, of course. Limping around the dorm on crutches makes his arms ache and knees weak, and the backpack on his shoulders making him fall forwards is plenty to make his elbows strengthen up (they’re withering away) and his breathing circulate (he’s breathing back tears of pain and frustration.)

He can’t… he can’t do this without you.

Call him selfish, but his life was not only easier with you around, it was better, it was fun to love you and have you scream his name from the stands, but now that seat is occupied by someone else when it should be yours and yours alone.

He’s tried to get over it. He’s tried to get everything in line, get you the hell out of his mind but he can’t.

You’re different. He hates you for it. There’s something about you that refused to leave his mind and soul. Every time someone is interested in him, he feels disgusted because every crush is based on appearances now; it never was with you. Every time someone laughs, his first thought is how much he misses yours. When one of those stupid fast food commercials comes on in the late hours of night, he smiles sadly as he remembers the way your eyes would meet his and you’d beg him for some fries at ungodly hours.

He has to move on. It’s been fucking years. Why hasn’t he moved on?

Any sane person by now would have moved on, passed through his heartbreak and try to find another, but he’s so emotionally unavailable at this point. Every thought and every reminder that plagues him continues to hit like a ton of bricks every time.

Maybe it's guilt.

No, its definitely guilt.

He loved you, more than you could imagine, he appreciated you more than he can express, and to show you how much you mean to him, he blamed you for his failures.

No wonder he deserves to be alone.

And just when his exhaustion can't grow, his self destruction and crumbling self worth can't get lower, he gets thrown in another circle of hell that he seems to find himself in; this time, in a coffee shop he frequents. Not too many familiar faces, just a couple blocks from the train, and up until that point, only having known him as an alias.

Until today, when the Gods decide to torture him a bit more.

“Name?”

“Sakusa,” he says, not even thinking as he scrolls on his phone. There’s a high pitched gasp from the girl, and it makes his eye twitch.

“NO WAY!!! Oh my gosh, you’re THE sakusa kiyoomi?! Oh my gosh, wait, hold on- can I get a picture? No, wait, you’re not into those- can I get an autograph? I knew you looked familiar, my sister and I watch you play all the time! I’m such a fan!-“

“Uh… thanks. Can I have my tea-“

The girl doesn’t answer, instead, she calls for her co-worker who barrels out in equal excitement.

On any normal day, kiyoomi would snap. He’d scold and snarl about how rude they were, how he’s still a fucking person who just so happens to be good at volleyball, but he’s like a deer in headlights. He’s too surprised at his own stupidity of not using his usual alias, how damn tired is he?

There’s a weight that feels like a ton of bricks that settles on his chest once he hears the line behind him complaining about how long it’s taking, then people behind the register flashing pictures that have him blinded and asking him questions he doesn’t want to answer, he just wants his tea for God’s sake and-

“HEY!” There’s a snap from someone at a table, and it breaks up the small, impromptu paparazzi at the front. “People are trying to work here, and not get a damn seizure from your damn pictures!” He feels all that anxiety break on his shoulders once they cower away. “And shame on you all!” They continue, the line slowly parting to let them continue shouting. “He may be famous but he’s still a damn person! Make the fucking drink and GO!”

Kiyoomi doesn’t want to look. Even if he’s eternally grateful for them, he knows that scold and he knows that bravery to call out random people for their shiftiness.

Because it’s the same thing you used to do all those years ago.

He winced and pulls the mask higher on his nose to keep himself concealed- as if he’s not a 190.5 cm monster. But you don’t say anything about anything that just happened, you must be deep in your work to not process just exactly who you were defending.

He gets his tea with a quick apology from the baristas, and he heads to the door to leave.

….

…right?

He’s gone. He’s on the bus, headphones in and heading to practice, audiobook putting him in a new world where his only current connection is the hot tea in his hands.

Right?

There’s always been a table on the bus, a table he rudely stalks up to, where you’re sitting and typing away furiously at your laptop and massaging one of your temples, too engrossed in your work to notice the outside hitter standing just in front of you.

“Uh…” he chews his lip nervously. You don’t look up.

This is the chance Komori’s been talking about. If he doesn’t take it, he’s going to hate himself forever.

“Thank you for standing up for me back there.”

“You’re welcome.”

He sighs staggered, “can I… uhm… repay the favor?”

To his extreme relief, you offer him a small chuckle, “maybe you can recommend a coffee shop where random cele…” your voice drifts off when you look up at him, jaw frozen open and eyes wide and dancing all over his face. You’re both just staring at each other, breathing ragged and tense, and his brows furrowing to try and hide the guilt and absolute need he has for you to continue the conversation.

You clear your throat, “your uhm… your foot healed uh… well.”

He wants to, but can’t, fight the snort that sneaks past his lips because that’s about the last thing he thought you’d say. But he sees you crack a smile too, and it’s worth it.

“Yeah,” he says after he clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m playing professionally now. Minor aches here and there, but nothing unusual.”

“So you got to stick with your plan,” you hum sadly, and his heart stops. “That’s wonderful, Sakusa. Im glad to hear it-“

“But my plan never felt complete,” he interrupts, and he sees your nostrils flare in annoyance. “I-I-I thought I knew what I wanted, but god, I didn’t. I don’t, I’ve always only wanted you.”

You offer him a shrug, “Kiyoomi, I was an intruder in your life; I can’t blame you for that, I shouldn’t have been there-“

“I wanted you there.”

“Clearly you didn’t,” you snip, and finally, he sighs in defeat. “You made it just fine without me in your plan.”

Fuck it.

If he’s here, he’s gonna lay all his cards, give you every last thought of his and leave you one more time to pick up your shattered pieces.

“I miss you.”

You freeze, but there’s a glazing of your waterline before you slowly, tensely, turn up to look at him.

“Don’t,” you snap. “Don’t do this, Sakusa.”

“I can’t help it,” he says, own voice twinging raw. "I hate it too. I hate that I've had to carry this weight with me for all these years, years I should've been with you, kept you safe and happy, and I couldn't even do that."

"You shattered what we had. Don't ever forget that."

"I never have been able to."

There's another silence surrounding you both, suffocating and hot and thick, and he gets flashbacks of a scenario not too dissimilar, where you're looking up at him with those same, betrayed eyes.

But your gaze doesn't last. It crumbles before you let out the breath you'd been holding, a sign that you're not going to waste your energy on him anymore, "you're too late, Kiyoomi. You don't get to miss me anymore."

When your hands shift to close your laptop, he sees it. The massive, heavy rock on your finger, glimmering under the soft lights of the coffee shop.

Kiyoomi feels sick. He could faint right now if his pride would let him. Instead, he swallows the bile in his throat and grits his teeth, giving you a smile and a casual scratch of the back of his head, "that's... that's awesome! I'm happy for you."

"Don't be," you smile sadly.

"Why?"

You shurg, "you don’t have to be happy for me. I’m happy for me. He's a friend of Bokuto-San's. Set us up not long after we broke up." Then, you sigh shakily, "I'm just here for work, I won't taint your coffee shops for much longer." It was an attempt to break up the heavy silence.

He could puke right now if he didn't feel completely defeated. He could strangle Bokuto in devastation.

In his younger, naïve efforts to drive you away, he drove you straight to someone else's arms.

He nods and chokes out a small "alright," before spinning on his heel away from you

He makes move to leave the coffee shop, but before he does, but before he can, he turns back to face you, trying to get one final look at you, soaking in your presence and soul before you vanish from his life forever. He calls your name, and you look at him one more time with that big, beautiful gaze.

"Do you believe in the one that got away?" he asks, and you process his answer before slipping your computer in your bag.

"Yeah. And I believe I'm yours- but you were too worried about losing volleyball. Now, I guess we all got what we wanted."

His veins turn icy as he tries to blink back the hot tears searing his waterline, turning his head to dodge your knowing eyes.

Everyone got what they wanted.

Except for his broken heart, of course.

[accio-victuuri]

cpn talk: of camping fans, the number 38 and future concerts.

happy monday to everyone! ^^ what better way to start the week than some clowning. i hope this makes it easier for you to get through the day and rest of the week. nothing too ground breaking, just some good old minor cpns i picked up here and there. enjoy~ and yes i used that gif of gege as clickbait! hahahahaha!

i wanna start with a usual observation, the way they do not clash in terms of project promotions. in the past weeks, WoF was in full swing, and now it’s FPU which will most likely continue till it’s release and the week after that. in the meantime, XZ is on radio silence. you still have the usual ads and stock photos from XZS + some random hot searches but nothing else. i have a feeling that after Bobo’s promotions, XZ will come out for LOCH.

and speaking of XZS posting photos, let me direct you to this one. he is holding a fan again. not the 380 yuan but we’ve seen it before and he is using it during his drama filming right now.

so as the clowns that we are, we had to search for it so we can get the same style. how it’s describe on online markets is: F30 handheld rechargeable small fan mini portable wind power household. carry-on fan for camping. camping? interesting. of course you can use outside of that, but with our cpn of them and camping— this is yet another clue. did the same guy who bought him the 380 yuan fan before, searched up something his beloved can use for camping and beyond? they are so cute! i swear! i’m here for this whole soft era of them loving camping and relaxing!

bonus clowning is that the photoset form XZS was posted 19:30 which was the broadcast time for WoF. and considering it was the finale, maybe this was also ZZ’s gift? we already speculate that he is fond of lai lai so it could be…. 🤷🏻‍♀️

moving on to the number 38, which was a recurring number we have noticed from posts made sunday 4/7. 38 zhan bo. 💕 it could mean nothing but somehow, it got me, especially since yibo used it.

video uploaded by ybo is 01:38 and yibo posted 10:38.

now about the future concert of yibo which i screamed about here & here — whether that’s true or not— us cpfs will of course do what we do best. to clown. so here are some points:

1. some are connecting this concert thing to a previous hs related to xz. it was about him and his company adding services which includes concerts. the actual tag was: #xiaozhanstudio adds new commercial performance license#. of course whatever this is, if yibo does hold a concert, it will be under yuehua but i understand where the clowning is coming from.

this comment was so hilarious tho 😂😂😂😂

2. what if yibo invites guests? that’s usual for solo concerts. so we’ve been day dreaming about him singing bu wang, and why not wuji too? and then invite xiao zhan? imagine that. lol. and solos couldn’t even be angry cause wyb invited him. wouldn’t that be amazing?

3. this part in one of xzs vlogs where gg was in an open area and he “jokingly” said something like “Come to my concert, thank you!”

we may be thinking too much about it but what if. what if gege also plans to have a solo concert some time in the future? i know both of them are so focused on being actors but they also have so much passion for performing.

i’m imagining how they both have a bucket list and one entry there is to have a solo concert. i hope we get to witness that come true ✨

FINALLY, with yibo’s post earlier, we saw him playing tennis. so tennis boyfriends at it again! 🎾

video source

END.

[jeewrites]

Hold Fast | Ch. 1 Will Squat for Dinner

Series Master List

Inspo: In an IG reel @ tashabraziliano asks a guy at the gym to play a game where if she squats him he has to buy her dinner at Nando’s.

Rating: M for this one shot, but this blog is 18+ MDNI

A/N: Thank you to @bloviating-vy for being my beta and my write or die! Grateful to everyone who voted in my poll and @katareyoudrilling for encouraging me to post. In the Hold Fast AU all the guys make it back from S. America, additional details TBD if this ends up being a series

Word Count: ~4.0k

Tags: no y/n, gymbff!Benny, alcohol, swearing, reader is a powerlifting girlie described as short, Tom is alive unfortunately (we hate Tom), alcohol, brief body insecurity and Frankie being down on himself, Tom owns a bar, Pope owns a gym, alternating POV with one brief Benny POV

next chapter >>

The first time you went to train at Pope's Gym, Benny wouldn’t stop talking your ear off during your workout. When you finally got a word in edgewise, you made a bet with him that if you could squat him, he would shut the fuck up and let you finish your workout in peace. To his amazement, not only did you squat him, you repped him 3 times before setting him down to raucous applause. You’d been gym besties ever since. It didn’t hurt that he was nice to look at with his dirty blonde hair and penchant to go sans shirt so he could flaunt his abs as frequently as possible. Plus, his big golden retriever energy never failed to brighten your day.

Benny liked to tease you about the gym you used to go to that had vanity lighting, a smoothie bar, and chilled eucalyptus-scented towels. While Pope's had the most lifting platforms of any gym in town, you were adjusting to the lack of central A/C and other amenities you were used to. Pope’s was housed in a large warehouse space, bare metallic bones, with multiple commercial rolling doors instead of a proper HVAC system. Besides the rows upon rows of platforms, a selection of assault bikes and ergs lined one wall of the gym, while a section of accessory machines collected dust in the corner.

You learned which platforms got the most airflow depending on which rolling door was open and which ones the massive fans covered best. You had made the switch because you had outgrown your old gym which catered to the general public. The bougie public, Benny liked to remind you. You had started lifting heavy and wanted to lift heavier, so you found yourself signing up at Pope's after Pope himself had given you the tour around the space. You learned that Pope had started the gym after coming back from Colombia wanting to promote health and strength in the community while getting into better shape himself. Looking at the peach shape of his ass you could bounce anything off of, you knew Pope had been putting the work in.

Benny worked the front desk at Pope's between training and fighting MMA. His older and blonder brother Will would come by to work out, but he was often leaving when you were arriving so you didn't know him well beyond a friendly wave. Plus, it seemed like Benny used the majority of the word quota between the Miller brothers. Pope's grew on you and you got to know the regulars who trained the same time you did; enough that you gave them cute identifying nicknames in your head (often without knowing their actual names) and worried about them when they missed more than a session or two.

Benny was surprised to see you walk into Pope's one night an hour before closing since you always trained in the mornings. You had given him a short head nod instead of your usual big smile before stalking to a platform and slamming your bag down.

"Yooooo, everything ok?" he asks as he walks over.

"Does it look like I'm okay," you huff, aggressively wrestling your knee sleeves on. Glancing at him, you immediately apologize when he hesitates and takes a step back.

"Sorry, Benny. I'll be a lot better after I pick up some heavy things and put them down."

"Might help if you want to talk about it?" he ventures leaning against the barbell.

You finish tying your squat shoes before looking at him again with dejected eyes and sighing.

"I just went on a crappy date with a guy from one of those dating apps," you sigh again. "He spent the whole time talking about himself and how much he works out. Then he had the fucking audacity to question me when he asked how much I could lift."

"Fucking asshole!" Benny feels himself getting steamed.

"He just stormed out of the restaurant and left me with the bill when I refused to change my answer," you shrug, but Benny sees your jaw tick. "Apparently, I squat and deadlift more than he does and he couldn't date someone who could do that." You roll your eyes and huff.

"WTF! What a total loser. You don't need a guy like that who doesn't appreciate you," Benny replies incensed. He sees your face fall for a moment, eyes downcast and tight.

"I just — I've been trying to put myself out there again and it sucks," you mumble, cheeks flush with embarrassment. "It's also been kinda lonely since I moved here, and I guess I could just use more friends, too."

"I'M YOUR FRIEND!"

"Yeah, my gym friend! We don't do anything outside of this hot, sweaty box Benny," you remind him with a small smile and playful shove to get him off your barbell.

Benny decides this is completely unacceptable and immediately remedies this by inviting you to the next hangout with him and his ex-Delta Force friends at Redfly's, a local bar nearby. "You know Pope and Will already," he reassures, "Tom's the owner of the bar and he's an asshole, but he's our asshole. And there's Catfish — we call him Fish for short. We've been trying to get him to come work out here, but he's been busy with his new pilot job for the hospital. And he shares custody of his 3-year-old daughter with his ex."

He could see your brain turning over all the information he was throwing at you. You don't seem to react either way to the news that Fish has an ex and a daughter. As you adjust the bar height you respond, "You sure? Don't want to crash a regular thing that you have with your guys."

"Nah, it'll be great! They'll love you!" Benny's determined to get you to come.

You hand him your phone. "Well... okay. Text me the details?"

With your phone in hand, Benny puts his number in to text himself and then convinces you to show him your dating profile. Between sets of squats you both take turns swiping on possible matches, Benny teasing you on your picks. Ever observant, Benny notices your preference for profiles with tall, brown-haired, brown-eyed candidates. As you work through your next set, Benny sneaks his phone out and immediately texts Fish.

Redfly's was what you expected for a bar run by an ex-delta force asshole. Dimly lit, buncha mismatched tables and chairs, lots of dark grain wood, and an air of neglect despite being quite clean. It was mostly empty except for a few grizzled guys who screamed regulars, nursing beers at the bar. Lots of beers on tap, but not so much for cocktail options. Not that you were a big drinker anyway. If anything, all the training made you an extremely cheap date. But damn, if you were going to drink, you wanted it to be a solid cocktail.

"THERE SHE IS!" Benny bounds over to you before grabbing your hand and dragging you over to the table in the corner. He introduces you to Tom who was standing by the table chatting with the guys. Tom gives a half-hearted greeting before stalking off back to the bar. Pope gives you a big smile and hug, "Good to see you hermosa, don't mind Tom. That was downright friendly for him." You snort as you settle into your seat next to Pope. Will also greets you with a small wave and an offer to pour you a beer from the pitcher.

"That's okay, I'm not much of a beer drinker." You wince, wrinkling your nose.

"I thought you said she was cool," Pope teases Benny who rolls his eyes and looks at you with faux betrayal.

"How about I buy shots for the table? Would that make me cool?" you smirk, getting up to go to the bar.

"Only if I get one too," says a warm, baritone voice from behind you. A tall, handsome man slides into the last vacant seat across from yours. Soft brown curls threaten to escape the Standard Oil cap nestled on his head. The warmest brown eyes smile at you as he holds your surprised gaze. "Hi, I'm Fish. Sorry, 'm late."

You want to trace the golden skin stretched deliciously along the column of his neck. Run your fingers through those curls that look so, so incredibly soft. And the strong curve of his nose... You snap out of your reverie before you respond with your name. "Better get those shots then," you say, trying not to trip over your unexpectedly shaky legs. Holy shit, why the fuck didn't Benny mention his friend Fish was gorgeous?

When Benny bugged him to come to the Friday night hangout at Redfly’s, Frankie hadn’t given it a second thought. The exuberant text from Benny, “You coming this week right? Got someone from Pope’s coming to meet you guys!!!” had two too many exclamation points for his taste. He figured Benny had a new lifting partner he wanted the guys to meet and his attendance had been pretty spotty between the new EMS pilot gig and balancing shared custody with Vanessa.

So when he walked into Redfly’s and overheard you say “… shots for the table?” He just assumed Tom had finally hired some help in the form of a very cute new waitress.

It wasn’t until he asked the guys when Tom hired you, eyes not leaving your form as you walked away, did he realize the absolute error in his assumption. “That’s my friend from the gym, Fish. SHE’s from Pope’s,” Benny rolled his eyes.

“C’mon hermano, you know Tom’s too cheap to hire help and too much of a pendejo for help to stick around,” Pope added.

Frankie pulled his cap low over his eyes and slid down his seat. He could feel himself flush. Fuck, he thought. Just made an ass out of myself demanding a shot from a total stranger.

You had frozen for a moment after he introduced himself before offering your name with a bit of a grimace. He thought you were gorgeous though and smelled incredible, fresh and citrusy with hints of something sweet and floral that lingered even after you had walked away.

“So, whaddya think, Fish?” Benny prods. "She’s smart, pretty, super strong, and a total sweetheart. Should ask her out."

Frankie flushes a deeper red. “S’outta my league Benny.”

“Aw, c’mon Fish, you gotta get back out there,” Benny persists. "Made it easy for you too. I happen to know you’re exactly her type."

“What, she into out of shape, 40-year-old, divorced, single dads with a toddler?” Fish grumbles. He hadn’t dressed particularly well tonight either, just his usual worn khakis and old faded navy t-shirt. Hadn’t suspected Benny was going to try to set him up tonight, although with Benny you never knew what you were getting yourself into.

“Might’ve mentioned summa that to her. She didn’t even blink, Fish. You got a shot and you should take it.”

Frankie finally tears his eyes away from you. You had just said something that made Tom smile ever so briefly and he wanted to know what you said. Frankie didn’t even realize Tom smiled anymore.

He sees Pope giving Benny that look that said Pope knew Frankie was indeed interested in you, but needed some extra encouragement and to get out of his head. How a single look conveyed all of that spoke to the years and shit they’d all been through together.

“Gonna help her bring over the drinks,” Benny says, popping out of his chair before Frankie could tell him to keep his big mouth shut.

He lifts his cap and runs his fingers through his hair. He hadn’t even tried to comb his fucking hair before coming out tonight. He slides the cap back on hoping it catches the more unruly curls.

“You’re a total catch, Fish,” Pope says, pouring him a beer. “Don’t count yourself out before even shooting your shot.”

“Could just be a coffee date. Don’t overthink it,” Will seconds.

Frankie takes a big pull of his beer. Easy for these two to say. Both Pope and Will worked out regularly at the gym and had the physiques to show for it. As much as Frankie had insisted everyone needed to get back on their game when they got back from Colombia, he was the only one out of the five of them who hadn't.

At least it didn’t feel like it with his achy back and bad knees. Sure, he had finally gotten his pilot’s license reinstated and now shared custody of his daughter. But he was self-conscious of his soft stomach, especially next to Benny whose abs were definitely the example given in the dictionary next to “rock-hard.” What did he have to offer you besides a mountain of baggage and PTSD? Maybe if he just kept his mouth shut everything would be fine and he’d survive tonight without embarrassing himself.

At this point, you are willing to brave Tom the asshole to collect yourself before sitting across from Frankie and his big brown eyes again. Tom raises an eyebrow when you order six shots ("One's for you asshole," you say to Tom with a teasing glare) and ask if he could make an Aviation. You swear he gives you the faintest smile before grumbling about ridiculous froufrou cocktails, but he wasn't born yesterday and yes he could make you one.

Benny sidles up to you at the bar as you wait for Tom to finish making your drink, offering to help you carry the drinks back to the table. "You doing ok? You seem nervous," Benny observes as you tap your fingers on the bar.

"Why didn't you warn me Fish is fucking hot?" you pointedly whisper back.

Benny grins at you as he leans back on his elbows against the bar, "Fucking knew it. Totally thought he'd be your type, girlie."

"You trying to set us up??" you glare at him.

Benny shrugs with exaggerated innocence. "Maaaaybe."

You huff, "Does he know that? Am I even his type?" You cringe inwardly at your insecurity.

"Well considering he hasn't taken his eyes off you since you left the table makes me think you are," Benny smirks. The smug look stays on his face.

For once you're glad you took more than five minutes to put yourself together before walking out the door. You picked a pair of jeans that hugged your curves and a fitted top with a very complementary neckline. Black-heeled booties gave you a few inches and made your legs look longer than they were. Worth the hassle of walking in at least for one night. The lightest dusting of make-up, mostly eyeliner and glossy lip balm, highlights your facial features.

"So maybe I should shoot my shot then, hmm?" you wink at Benny with a knowing smile.

"If you're thinking what I'm thinking…," Benny grins thinking back on the day you two met.

"That's very purple," Fish observes as you and Benny set down the drinks for the table.

"It's an Aviation. You might like it considering you're a pilot, mmh?" you respond with a smile. Okay, you've collected yourself. Sort of. Let's see if you remember how this flirting thing goes.

"What are we taking shots to celebrate?" Pope asks.

"How about to new, strong, friends?" you quip.

"I'll cheers to that!" Benny raises his glass.

Conversation is light and fun with the guys. You marvel at their connection and closeness as they teased and talked like people who have been through some shit together over the years. You convince Fish to try the Aviation to which he declares it a "very fancy purple" and keeps sneaking sips much to your amusement. They fold you into their conversation, asking about your training, and what competitions you might try this season. They praise Pope about how the gym has flourished and rib him about his ever-revolving door of beautiful women.

"What about you, Fish? You thinking about getting back out there and dating?" Benny asks before flicking his eyes over to you. You remind yourself to thank Benny profusely for being the best wingman ever.

"'Dunno. Not sure where to even start," Frankie mumbles into his beer, casting his eyes down.

"I have an idea," you give Frankie your best coy smile.

"Yeah?" he breathes looking up at you. Those damn brown eyes.

"I have a game for you," you offer before taking a breath. “If I squat you, you get to buy me dinner.” Your heart is thrumming in your chest and you feel your cheeks flush, but damnit, you were going to shoot your fucking shot. "But if I can rep you, I want the whole nine yards. Pick me up at my place, flowers, dinner and dessert."

"You — you think you can squat me?" Fish looks a bit surprised, "I— it's, it's not that I don't think you can. But 'm... A lot bigger than you... 'm out of shape." His ears pink at the last part as he cups one hand over the back of his neck.

"I know I can. Do we have a deal?" you smile at him with encouragement and extend your hand across the table. Fish hesitates, but you try not to assume why.

"Jesus, Fish, if you don't take her up on it, I will," Pope winks at you.

Fish glances between you and Pope for a brief moment.

He reaches out and shakes your hand. "Okay, deal." You try not to get distracted by the way his large hand engulfs yours.

"Let's go, brown eyes," you tell him as you stand up from your chair and whip your hair up into a high ponytail.

"You're going to do this in heels?" Fish asks as he gets up from his chair with a grunt. Christ, he's so tall. And broad. You shrug and look up at him through your lashes, “I mean, Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels.”

You move so you stand with your side towards his front.

“I'm going to put my hand here,” you gesture to his right inner thigh just above the knee. "Is that okay?"

"Yep."

"Alright, you ready?"

He nods.

You carefully slump him over your shoulders in a fireman's carry, gripping tightly to his upper arm and thigh. You can feel the warmth of his body pressed deliciously across your shoulders. He's so warm.

You brace.

Benny's out of his seat, whooping and hollering. Pope's leaning forward, elbows on his knees, clapping, "Let's go, let's go!" Will's grinning and shaking his head in amusement. The regulars at the bar sneak glances over in your direction.

Frankie catches himself remarking on the particular shade of purple out loud when you return to the table with Benny bearing shots and a suspiciously purple beverage. He realizes after you respond and the dazzling smile you give him that you’re flirting with him. He thinks?? He’s so out of practice. God, he’d do anything for you to smile at him like that again.

When you slide your drink over to him to try he surprises himself by taking a sip. He’s even more surprised that he likes it. Crisp juniper dances across his tongue followed by a delicate floral sweetness and a touch of citrus with a spiced cardamom and anise finish. This very purple drink tastes the way you smell. And the giggle you give him when he calls it a “very fancy purple” blooms warmth through him, settling low in his core. He can only think about how he can elicit that sound from you again.

Which is how he misses Benny asking him if he’s thinking about getting back out there and dating. Fucking Benny and his goddamn big mouth.

But then you’re smiling at him again, telling him, single-dad, divorcee Francisco Morales, you have an idea. He’s looking at you and he can barely breathe as your eyes sparkle with a mischievous glint and your plush, glossy lips propose a game.

For a moment he’s confused. Did you not want to go out to dinner with him? Because if he’s honest, he doesn’t think you could squat him. He’s so much bigger than you. And he’s pretty sure if he tried, he could put you in his pocket. But then you’re brimming with confidence and extending your hand out to strike a deal.

It’s when Pope — fucking Pope — threatens to play your game in his place that Frankie is engulfing your delicate hand in his large one. You surprise him with a firm handshake and it’s then that he can feel the callouses across your palm. Callouses from many, many reps with the barbell.

Frankie finds himself towering over you, realizing you’re about to try and squat him in heeled booties. He vaguely hears you ask for consent to touch his inner thigh just above his knee before he finds himself suspended horizontally in the air across a set of firm shoulders, anchored by two small hands. He can feel when you brace, feel your entire core expand. The muscles across your shoulders and back flex underneath your fitted top. And suddenly he’s moving up and down, steadily with control.

You end up squatting Fish five times before setting him back down gently with a breathless giggle. He's towering over you again and you just want to press yourself into his broad chest and envelope yourself in the smell of his body wash.

"Dinner?" you smirk up at him.

"Wow, yeah, dinner on me," Fish flushes, impressed and a little dazed.

"It's a date then," you quip, poking him in the rib before you sit back down at the table. You notice his brown eyes spark with realization at your comment.

Will, Benny, and Pope all high-five you. Cheeks still pink, Fish pulls his chair around to sit closer to you. Tom wanders back over to the table grumbling that Redfly's isn't that kind of establishment with theatrics like you just pulled. But he also sets down an Aviation along with another pitcher of beer before returning to the bar.

"He's just jealous you didn't try to squat him," Benny laughs. You giggle in response as the conversation around the table picks back up.

Feeling Fish's gaze on you, you slide your cocktail over to him. A frisson of electricity shoots up your entire arm when his fingers brush against yours as he takes your cocktail glass.

You tilt your head towards him, your eyes meeting his warm brown ones, and whisper, "By the way, my favorite flowers are dahlias."

Frankie lost count by the time you repped him the third time. Just awed by you having the strength to carry him like this. He decides to just enjoy the rest of the ride.

When you set him back upright he almost melts into a puddle at the breathless giggle you let out. He catalogs that sound in his mind. He wants to brush back the hairs that have escaped your ponytail and he already misses your touch, wants to close the space between your bodies somehow without being creepy.

He gets lost in your eyes when you gaze up at him, he’s definitely over a head taller than you, and ask, “Dinner?”

Frankie is pretty sure he responds in the affirmative, still a bit dazed and very impressed.

It’s when you confirm it’s a date that his brain fritzes, reboots, and takes a minute to come back online. He blinks several times at the realization. He has a date. With you.

next chapter>>

Notes: Dahlias symbolize elegance, creativity, positivity, and growth. It also represents inner strength, likely due to the plant's ability to tolerate harsh conditions.

"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels.” — Ann Richards

🙏🏽 Thank you so much for reading my first fic! I'm bad at tumblr and new to tags/warnings/fan fics in general, so if I missed something please let me know.

I am open to constructive feedback but please be gentle with this baby powerlifting writer, yeah? I might be able to squat you, but I'm a big ol' softie.

Aaand I'm thinking about expanding on these characters and making Hold Fast into a series if anyone would want to read it. I may or may not already have a Frankie POV at Pope's Gym where he gets to see reader in her element. 👀

Taglist: @katareyoudrilling @christinamadsen @rebel-held

[quitealotofsodapop]

Hmm...actually, once the identities are revealed...how do Sandy, Pigsy and Tang feel about whenever SWK or Mac casually drop a gods name casually, like "Oh, Nezha said he might drop by later", like that has to feel weird, y'know?

Macaque tries to keep things subtle around the noodle shop gang, but Wukong slips up occasionally.

When Nezha first appears at the shop pre-reveal looking like a grungy teenage demon with snake features (he's associated with them in the mythos) and SWK welcomes him warmly - Pigsy and Tang just assume the kid is relative that the monkey couple trusted enough to know where they are. Soon Nezha starts to get used to being treated like An Actual Child by adults who care about him and his mature facade starts to break down. The noodle shop gang think its more that the kid has a rough home life and needs a safe place to hang out. So whats the harm in letting the little guy stay too?

After the two monkey's are revealled as the Monkey King and the Six Eared Macaque however? Many questions are asked.

Pigsy: *turns to look at "Nez"* Nezha: "..." Pigsy: "Let me guess... Lotus Prince right?" Nezha: "Yeah." Pigsy: "You gonna turn back into your real form or...?" Nezha, looking a bit bashful: "What if I told you the snake-y and gross teenage stuff was my real form?" Tang: "Oh my gosh... you need acne cream." Pigsy: "TANG!" Tang: "I'm just saying! Human puberty is bad enough! Imagine being immortal with it! He needs to keep moisturized!" Pigsy: "Well, atleast he's been eating decently since he's been here... could use more protein though." Sandy: "And plenty of rest! You can't burn the candle at both ends! Even if it's infinite!" Nezha: *is honestly touched* (Ｔ▽Ｔ)

But yeah the gang do get confused at times when the monkeys bring up random names in history/mythology they know. Like "Cooking with Chang'e" airs one night, and Macaque randomly mentions:

Macaque: "Huh, she's on tv? She used to be really nervous with public speaking when we were little." Pigsy, shellshocked: "How do you know that!?" Macaque: "She's my sister, duh. I was born from a moon rock. She helped raise me until I moved to Flower Fruit Mountain to be with other Monkey demons." Pigsy: *incomprehensible spluttering* Tang: "Does she actually like mooncakes, or is that more a commercial thing?" Macaque: "She likes them, but her favorite kind has osmanthus in it." Pigsy & Tang: *aggressively takes notes for different reasons*

After a while it gets more annoying than amazing. Especially since Pigsy was already unimpressed with any immortal who wasn't Chang'e.

Erlang: "I require an audience with Sun Wukong." Pigsy, not even looking up from the stove: "He's on break." Erlang: "I assume you did not hear me correctly. I require an immediate audience with Sun Wukong." Pigsy: "And I told you: HE'S ON BREAK! Now you wait, buy something, or scram!" Erlang, stunned: "......lamb noodles please." *Wukong returns from break to see Erlang feeding his dog bits of lamb.* Erlang: "Wukong, you must understand that my visit is not one of pleasure. I have tasked myself to inquire about the status of your mission regarding The Egg." Wukong: "No egg here! Except for whats in the fridge. Hehehe." *dad joke* Erlang, glaring with all three eyes: "Hmm..." Wukong: *sweating nervously* Erlang: "...ok. I can see that you're truthful in that there is no Cosmic Egg present in this facility. Why you busy yourself in these mortals matters is beyond me. But be warned simian..." Wukong: "What?" Erlang: "We should spar more often, bro. Me and the Plum Hill boys starting to miss you on the training grounds. Plus you're starting to look fluffier." *Erlang and his dog leaves* Wukong: "Phew! Glad I got rid of him!" Macaque, returns from getting cheese tea, visibly pregnant: "What that jerk want?" Wukong: "Old work stuff." Macaque: "He's lucky I'm incapacitated, or I would have neutered him to match his hound." Wukong: "I know you would." Tang: *trying desperately not to explode cus was that just Erlang Shen?!*

Sandy is a lot more chill. That person he just talked to was a god? That's cool! Hope he's made a new friend today! Accidentally befriends a bunch of them just by being a cool dude. The dragon kingdoms think he's a great ambassador.

[fangirltothefullest]

Thoughts on the welcome home update because YES. Spoilers below the cut.

That sleep aid pill is called remderem which is almost "remember" but the d would be backwards, and its also almost "murder me" while missing the u. Is this anything? I don't know. Im always looking for names of things in args.

We have seen through two puppets eyes. First it was Wally and his discomfort and/or dissociation, and now it's Eddie's discomfort and/or dissociation. Which is fun because we've heard that Eddie would do crafts for the show and you'd just see his hands so that was a fun touch.

First iteration of the website we had mail letters (Eddie) giving us clues. Second iteration had bugs (Frank?) and active drawings (Wally?) giving us clues. Now we have symbols giving us clues and they remind me of stickers a little bit so possibly a connection to Sally? Who else would give the tiny pictures? Questions questions.

At the end of that commercial before his existential crisis, they say Eddie has been invited and they did his job for him so he could rest. Eddie does not seem happy about them doing his job for him instead of letting him do it himself. I am reminded of how clumsy with the mail he seems to be sometimes and how much work they make him do in the other audio clips. I wonder if he is feeling extremely overwhelmed but also unappreciated and that they can do all this work to help and choose not to most days? Sally insists it was easy to do and Eddie does not sound pleased.

One thing i can't stop thinking about and i have to go back and really re-watch the commercials closely, is Poppy. When they invite Eddie to the party they say everyone is there but there's no Poppy in the picture? And earlier they poured gravy on an ornament that, to me, looked very oddly shaped and almost like meat, and we hear Poppy, but we don't see her. So... a pea on a plate..... "P" on a plate? My brain could be misconstruing but did they eat Poppy and is that what he's actually seeing and is that why it's all red? I'd he seeing the reality beyond the mask? Is it more than a pea?

Eddie says "where?" In his crisis as a response to Frank calling his name. People are talking about this as if he doesn't know where he is. I agree this is a likely idea but what if he's asking where Poppy is? Do we ever actually see her in any of the videos or do we just hear her?

Wally has feelings a lot which is good to confirm he has feelings! Eddie also said he would be happy with an apple every single day and my he is an innocentbautism creature wally agenda is flourishing.

The amount if commercials has me fascinated because people used to do that for TV shows (still do but those earlier type ones welcome home is referencing is spot on) commercials for basically everything is accurate and what is funny is the accuracy of what each person is selling. Howdy with the cigarette commercial- he takes every opportunity to sell you something no matter what even if it's not good for you. Sleepy looking Wally selling you sleeping pills happy with the thought of the dream.

Wally being nervous about getting the holiday correct. Is it because he's never done it or ia Home going to hurt him?

Did home hurt Eddie because he was upset during the party? It sure fucking looks like it with home watching him so intensely. Does the chair have something to do with it?

Eddie's scribbled writing reminds me of the people trying to decipher the code on the safe.

On the secret pages it's signed "-W." But it talks as if it's a human person who watched the show and is working either the WHRP team. It also talks too grown up to be wally. Who is this?? Is it the same person from the terrified scribbles of the hidden page previously? It seems maybe so because of referencing needing the cleanup.

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

Time the Series - Episode 1

Another time traveling show. This time by expectations are basically on the floor.

So before I say anything here's the official synopsis: Foam, a famous actor, saw Chris, the lover, killed in front of him by the police. But fate gives Foam a chance to go back and correct the past for what he did wrong, causing Chris's death. When a mysterious man gives a clock that can travel back in time to Foam, will Foam be able to fix the past and save a lover's life? Only time will prove it! MDL You can watch it on YT, Gaga. Uncut on WeTV.

I watch the cut version, if anyone watches the full version please let me know what I missed. Not that I'm all that invested but still. This is basically a "I watched it so you don't have to" type of review so obviously, all spoilers from here on. Skip to the end for my short review.

We begin with a police chase that ends with Chris being caught but then there's a sniper and he gets shot. Very exciting already.

Cut to Foam waking up in bed and promptly pouring himself red wine while he cries and reflects on his lost love. Warning for singing and guitar playing in flashback.

The next day he's passed out and won't answer his phone and everyone is very upset, cause he's an actor and there's a lot of people waiting for him to shoot a commercial. There's already a war of managers happening btw. The one in pink is Foam's manager, the other one wants to be his manager. I'll be calling her the bad manager from here on for reasons which will become obvious.

So eventually he arrives and they shoot a commercial for some skin product that is amazing for the skin if we believe the people that show up to help Foam with his lines, cause the boy is struggling.

And apparently it's his birthday and he makes the weirdest call to his mum to ask her to wish happy birthday and the subs have the mom saying "Hello, dear" but there's actually no sound from the other side of the conversation. Amazing.

After this the drama really begins. And I mean there's so much happening and none of it is good.

So really quickly: - Birthday party where Foam is the DJ and there is some really bad dance acting happening. - The bad manager drugs Foam and assaults him and is interrupted by the good manager. - The two managers insult each other in front of passed out Foam and a physical fight ensues. Slap, screaming, slap, insult, slap, begging, more slapping. This is all very dramatic btw, almost lakorn level dramatic. Glass on the floor, bad manager picks it up and stabs the good manager. - Bad manager's bodyguards take her and Foam wakes up with the bloody glass shard on his hand.

Panic sets in, everyone comes and for some reason some dude is filming this whole thing. And we get our second police chase of the episode. This time Foam is the one doing the running.

Foam hides in a dark ally where he meets a stranger with a shining pink necklace that invites him to his place and of course he goes, because why not?

Then he recognizes the necklace/watch because he gave his boyfriend one that looks exactly like it. And then this:

Guy in alley - gives Foam pink shiny watch - dead boyfriend appears.

They immediately jump each other, as you do when all of a sudden your dead boyfriend is in front of you again, and Foam wakes up thinking it was all a dream. But was it? I have no idea.

Foam wakes up, hits himself, hurts himself and wonders why he's in his old apartment. He goes outside and it's five years before Chris died. The end.

So... to recap. I don't even know what to say. This is from MFlow, the same company that brought us the mess that was Beyond The Star so my expectations were really low.

With that said, I can't in good conscience tell any of you to watch this. It's not good. From the previews it seems Foam is going to meet Chris all over again except he won't remember him. Fun times all over again. I'll be honest. I probably won't be watching this, but come next tuesday if I have nothing better to do I might check it out. Depends how much I remember the experience and how curious I get about how they will deal with the time traveling. I obviously have not learned my lesson.

If anyone watches it please let me know what you think.

Thanks for reading.💜

[hyper-pixels]

Analog Horror List

Analog horror is uniquely known for its low quality and low visual styles. Or VHS style. They can widely range to a found footage or a visual guide style formatting.

Here are some noted ones:

These videos can contain disturbing content, as well as content that can induce a epileptic seizure if you choose to watch any of them.

2h32: A series of videos that are all two minutes and thirty-two seconds long.

Backrooms - The Otherside: A found footage of the back rooms.

Basswood County: Humanoid creatures that kill humans.

Cave Crawler: A video game (no commentary) about a special remote controlled bot meant to look for missing people (or bodies) in caves.

Chezzkids Archives: An archive of games from a website called Chezzkids. The developer went missing and her photos are showing up in the game. May need to have an episode explain it (this one by Minaxa did it well) as there are clues outside of the videos as well.

Cloud Observation: A short observation video on a cloud that seems to be growing limbs.

Escape the Backrooms: A combination of found footages and commercials, it details the backroom and people trying to escape from it.

Eventide - Anomaly Infestation: A news report of anomalies.

Fear Virus: A quick guide on how to protect yourself from a new, highly infectious virus that causes mutations in humans to become something they fear.

Floaters: A video and short guide. It details how humans are suddenly floating into the air.

Gemini Home Entertainment: A series of VHS styled video tapes. Neptune has mutated and is now infecting Earth with strange things called "woodcrawlers" and other mysterious happenings.

Green Mountain Broadcast Center: A archival for tapes. Only one on this channel labled "Live Traffic" which documents a strange storm.

Greylock: One of my favorites so far. About the government experimenting with tulpa and possibly uncovering an ancient god.

Happy Meat Farms: Animal testing that causes severe deformities.

Hi I'm Mary Mary: A woman wakes up in a house with no exits. She then has to face her greatest fears.

Identity Test: A test on whether or not you can tell the difference between normal faces, and distorted ones.

Itch File: A diver touches a random creature that ejects a pus like substance on him with a virus. Severe trypophobia warning.

Koala Superdeep Borehole Incident: The deepest man-made hole has a bit of an unnerving find.

Local 58 Season One: A news station trying to report on the news, when a broadcast alert stating to not look at the moon is reported. Season two

Harmony and Horror: A VHS style of film. as you watch, you discover the oddities and mysteries of the toys tore.

Marble Hornets: You know what this is.

Mister Manticore: Asks you to memorize a picture before asking you to find the differences. Has quick fleshing images.

Midwest Angelica: A piece of an alien breaks away and onto Earth as it passes the exosphere. It quickly folds into horror beyond comprehension.

Monument Mythos Season One: In an alternate world, where the statues seem to be more than just simple monuments. Season Two Season Three

Omega Mart Ad Compilation: Adds that are attempting to be targeted towards humans. More silly and deranged than scary.

Raining Fire (EAS Snario): A EAS scenario of a mentor shower suddenly hailing Earth on Christmas Eve. Leading to event after event.

Surreal Broadcast: A news station with things happening in the background that are related to a cult. Season Two Season Three

Searching for the Five: Five men suddenly disappeared, only leaving behind a few clues.

Sinkhole: A very hungry sinkhole.

Stone Cold Series: Strange eyes have suddenly started to show up in the night.

The Anglers Trap: A guide on what to do when you encounter a tree called the anglers trap. Which lures in humans like an angler fish.

The Backrooms: Where it all started, I believe. The Backrooms are limital spaces.

The Children Under the House: A therapist tries to find out why a young girl has suddenly stopped talking. Her imaginary friends of course, know why.

The Mandela Catalogue: Hostile creatures called alternates (alters for short) that mimic humans, but don't do it quite right. It mixed Christianity and horror together.

The Oldest View: A man finds a random stairwell in a tree that leads miles down. It turns out it's an old mall. Made by the same man who created the Backrooms.

The Scrimblo Catalogue: A joke analog horror based off of a twitter meme. Part Two

The Smile Tapes: A new fungai releases spores that infect humans that causes the muscle in the faces to distort into a smile and causes hysteria.

The Swarm: Aggressive, hungry mosquitos created by a science project gone wrong.

The Quentin Sanders Tapes: A man named Quentin sanders goes to Foxwood university only to discover a eldritch monster.

The Walten Files: Possessed animatronics, one of the founder's family goes missing while the other conspired against them. And not to forget the possessed animatronics.

They Lie Above: Follows the story of a son of a missing farmer who was abducted by aliens, and Neil Armstrong. Who's memories were erased after encountering a alien space craft.

VibingLeaf: Three videos that have a early youtube "lost videos" esque style.

Vita Carnis: A guide on strange fauna and flora seemingly made entirely, out of meat.

White Door Opened: Set in Poland, monsters and strange red mist begins to spread. Of course it starts with humans messing with things they shouldn't mess with.

Winter of 83: Snowmen come to life, and they aren't happy.

-Did I miss any? Let me know! I'll try to keep this updated as I deeper and deeper, but I can't catch everything.

[elvispresley]

“Yes. That's mine. I wrote it. It was getting hard to be someone then. I was grossly overweight and needed help and only one critic/reviewer ever spotted it and it was A Aronowitz in the New York Post. He said 'Johnny' or whatever he was calling me, is crying out for help. And I didn't realise that I was at the time. I was just writing a song for the movie. I wrote it 'Bam! Bam!' like that, and got the single.

It was really getting weird then. The whole Beatles thing was just beyond comprehension and I was eating and drinking like a pig and I was fat as a pig, dissatisfied with myself and subconsciously crying for help. It was like the Fat Elvis period. You see the movie, he's very fat, very insecure and completely loss of self.

I'm singing about when I was younger and all the rest of it. Now the positive thing is, yes, yes, I'm very positive. I also go through deep depressions where I'd like to jump out the window, you know? I am an amazingly emotional person. It's becoming easier to deal with as I get older and I realise, I try -I don't know whether control is the right word - or l've grown up a little, or you calm down a little but the swings and the motion from ecstatic highs to suicidal depressions are actually physically and mentally wearing and I've always had it, all my life.

I remember Maureen Cleave, a writer - the one who did the famous 'We're more popular than Jesus' story in the Evening Standard - asked me, 'Why don't you ever write songs with more than one syllable?' So in 'Help!' there are two- or three-syllable words and I very proudly showed them to her and she still didn't like them. I was insecure then, and things like that happened more than once. I never considered it before. So after that I put a few words with three syllables in, but she didn't think much of them when I played it to her, anyway.

I don't like the recording too much; we did it too fast, trying to be commercial... I might do 'I Want To Hold Your Hand' and 'Help!' again, because I like them and I can sing them.”

— John Lennon on the song Help! and his mental state

[majorbaby]

some early and candid thoughts on MASH: The Comedy that Changed Television

I thought Gary Burghoff had the most illuminating commentary to offer. he was specific, technical and detailed when recounting how the show was constructed, a style of media commentary that caters to my preferences. he has one comment that really stuck with me as a strong descriptor of the Radar character (paraphrase from memory): they needed a character who was experiencing the concept of war for the first time, for whom you could see the

after Burghoff, I thought Jamie Farr had some interesting things to say re: Margaret - 'she contains multitudes' being one of them, and a recurring theme when everyone was speaking about the character

i have to talk about mike farrell's comment on anti-war vs. anti-military: i've talked about how I feel that the post-reynolds/gelbart years have heavily watered-down messaging re: war before, and i've pointed to several episodes where i feel this is obvious, but mike farrell saying (quite strongly) that he felt the show was anti-war but never anti-military is pretty damning evidence.

i mean, i think this is good characterization for BJ, to take a more, let's call it 'broadly', anti-war stance, rather than be opposed specifically to military, particularly to the US military. it fits with his aspirations to live a quiet, middle-class life, with his insistence that he's always done 'the right thing' and imo, a good motivation for him to butt heads with the more radical Hawkeye, who opposes authority figures in general (per Alan Alda himself in this same special) - which actually goes beyond the military...

so i love it for BJ but i hate it for a show that never framed him as being wrong about that idea specifically. i can't say for sure whether BJ always held Farrell's beliefs of course, or vice versa, but if BJ ever did oppose the military as a system, Farrell doesn't know it. this knowledge makes episodes like Preventative Medicine and Back Pay land even worse with me.

'some of us were IN the military' he added, as a justification for his point that the show could not have been anti-establishment which i would speak on even more candidly if i was going to make this unrebloggable lol. but truly it's not that serious except in terms of how i think about the themes of this show - he seems like a perfectly lovely person who really loved making MASH and i think his fans will enjoy watching him speak about that.

Mclean Stevenson makes a point about how what Radar anticipates about a character tells us something about that character beyond what we would receive if we just heard the character say it themselves (which they usually do, at the same time as Radar) - I need to think about this some more when re-watching those scenes...

dlfkjaljfk I've never heard David Ogden Stiers' natural voice I thought someone was giving commentary over footage of him and then i realized he was actually giving the commentary - I feel like everyone knows this, but he was immensely talented, a master of voice and speech

1 hour and 10 minutes (including ads, or 'commercial breaks' as we used to call them back in my day) spent on seasons 1-3. tbf there's character-specific commentary in the first half that is for characters that were with us for the whole run, but, there's also a lot of time devoted to talking about how the show was initially constructed, the pilot being good (correct), and something that made me smirk - Larry Gelbart's commentary on how people were incensed and outraged at Henry's death and felt they had been misled, lied to, about their funny haha, wholesome weeknight comedy (set in the Korean War???) is almost indistinguishable from how people talk about plots they don't like in media nowadays

it was good! i had fun!

[bontenten]

good girl

Pairing: Itoshi Sae x f!reader WC: 2k Tags/Warning: eating disorders, throw-up, yandere, manipulation, body-shaming, degradation, humiliation, drugs, pregnancy mention, eating disorders

a/n: read the tags, not my problem otherwise. :looksaway: anyways, fun fact, football/soccer is so insanely popular on instagram. ronaldo is the most followed account with 579M (the only individual to pass 500M, the other is the ig account), closely followed by messi with 457M. 2 football clubs and 2 other football athletes-ish are also on the top 50 list. i was genuinely amazed?

Happiness is sharing that meal with the man you love the most, global football star, Itoshi Sae. After so many years of hard work, Sae is finally the star mid-fielder for FC Barcha. He has so many commercial gigs, sponsorships, and invitations to special events and dinners. With Sae, you have tasted things beyond your wildest dreams. You cannot imagine a better version of your life than the one right now, next to him. 

It's glamor and perfection for a little while. One day, the news headline flashes "Itoshi Rin: Star Striker of Bastard München". That day, you see a new, unfamiliar expression on Sae's face. You don't have a word for it, but you can describe it as a peculiar mix of pride and disgust. But he's the only one you'll ever look at. The best in the world, to you forever. You think it's enough. 

Rin's debut in the global football scene is hailed as the birth of a genius and superstar. The same talk shows, magazines, and brands suddenly flock over to the younger Itoshi. And for the first time, since Sae has joined FC Barcha, the team walks away from the World Cup, defeated. The journalists sensationalized the entire match. The most circulated photo is none other than Rin mid-air about to send the final point into the goal. 

A week later, Itoshi Sae is no longer the most followed individual on Instagram. He's overtaken by Itoshi Rin, with over 600 million followers in a feat that has only been achieved by the platform's own page. Sae never seemed to care about details like that, since he rarely ever posts to his page. It's usually managed by a special team instead. But you find Sae looking at Rin's page, focused on a photo of Rin and a gorgeous woman pressed tightly to him,  a popular gravure idol now better known as Rin's girlfriend. You will never forget the scrutinizing look he gives you that evening.

The comments about your body and eating habits started crawling in. You don't realize it at first, thinking that of course, Sae would know more about gastronomy than you. He's been to so many more places than you and seen so many things. He's always careful with his food too, as an athlete. 

--

You kiss him back, eagerly guiding his hand toward the waistline of your panties. Sae rests his hands on your hip and stops.

"You've put on weight," he comments bluntly.

You're a bit confused and still a bit excited.

"M-Maybe. I'm getting my period soon, so I might be a bit bloated," you stammered. Seeing Sae's uninterested expression, you cross your arms to hide your body. "I'll run sometime this week, all good."

Sae ignores your suggestion and leans back against the headboard. "Did you take the tablets I got for you?"

You think back to the large capsules in the jar that you're supposed to take twice a day. "Oh, I forgot. I'll just take it tomorrow," you tell him, not wanting to travel all the way downstairs so late at night.

Sae groans and gets up. A moment later he returns with a glass of water. "Here, I went to get it for you. You have to take it on time every day."

He offers you three pills in his palm and you take one, except he gestures for you to take more. 

You look at him cautiously. "I think...I'm only supposed to take one."

A loud sigh escapes him. "But you keep forgetting, so just in case. It's fine. You won't overdose. They're like vitamins." 

"Okay." You swallow pill after pill after pill.

Sae smiles and presses a kiss on your forehead. "Good girl, let's go to bed now."

--  

A month after taking those pills, you notice your tastebuds drastically changing. Everything you eat tastes like ashes. For most meals, you try to swallow a few bites, but they go down like sandpaper. And then everything is heaved out not too long afterward.

Sae is with you each time, giving you encouragement and comforting you. He gives you water to rinse out your mouth. He tells you that you feel better now that extra waste is cleared. It's funny that the first time you threw up, you thought you were pregnant. And had the same thought the second time your period was late. 

Your period isn't late. It's just gone.

Your wardrobe also transforms. Sae brings back so many gifts often, filling your closet with designer outfits. You recognize a couple of the brands. You've seen the photoshoots of Rin and his girlfriend. He asks you if you want to try them on. You should have realized that Sae doesn't spend his time playing dress-up with you. 

"Do they have another size, Sae?" you ask nervously, trying to suck in your core as tight as possible.

You see him wrap his arms around you in the mirror, face resting in the crook of your neck. He shakes his head. "I can't take back something I bought already. Do you still like the styles?"

You give him a weak smile and concede. "Yea, they're pretty."

"Good. You look good in them," Sae whispers low in your ears. "Just have to lose a bit more. One day you'll fit them just perfectly."

Sae tells you how important it is to have a goal in mind and always focus on the big picture. And that he'll help you. Always.

--

More weeks pass by. You can't sleep at night anymore. Your feet are just always so cold, nothing you wear or do can warm it up at all. And you're so hungry, your sense of smell is so heightened that the air is palpable. The faintest trace of something has your mouth watering. After checking that the man next to you is sleeping soundly, you carefully tip-toe down the hall, avoiding the floorboard spots that will creak. It's a laborious feat when you also have a  sprained ankle.

In the darkness of 3 A.M., you find heaven and bliss. You grab at the frozen foods but pause at the thought of turning on the stove or oven. Sae will wake up. You spot a single ice cream popsicle left in the box. It's from the last time Rin visited. Expired, but it'll do. Sae won't pay attention to it. It won't hurt. You rip off the packaging savoringly the sweetness and cold tingles that seem to bring life back into your body. For the first time, something doesn't taste like chalk. Stay quiet, Sae will wake up. 

"What do you think you're doing?"

Your eyes flick toward the direction of the voice where a dark figure is leaning against the wall. Sae is up. Each step adds to the lump in your throat. The ghostly fridge light illuminates part of him gradually until the displeasure that's written across his face is revealed. Tears began to prickle in your eyes and stream down.

"S-Sae, I'm—I'm so hungry," you sobbed, curling into a ball. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Shhh," Sae coos, using his thumb to swipe your tear away. You're still apologizing between each breath when he wipes the edges of your mouth that are smeared with ice cream. "I know, baby, I know. I know it's hard."

Sae never raises his voice at you. He's always so gentle and extra affectionate in moments of your vulnerability. He reaches for the ice cream pop you're gripping in your hand and takes it from your grasp. He licks the melting trail and finishes the treat in a couple of bites. You don't dare to look at the wooden stick that is the reminder of your late-night exploit. You wish you ate a bit faster.

Sae crouches to your level and waves the little stick in front of your face. "You're not a child. Snooping around late at night for things you know you're not supposed to eat? It's bad for you. Sweets have to be earned."

"Yes, I know," you whisper, ashamed, eyes fixated on the square tiled floors.You hear fabric rustling and soon bright light shines in your eyes. You see the latest picture of Rin and his girlfriend at the beach.

"It's tough love, but take a good look at her." Sae scrolls through a couple of their latest photos. "Look how skinny and sexy she is. See that collarbone? You can drink out of that. Now look at you."

His comments shatter you and you begin to sob. He stands up and continues, "If I wanted just any slutty bitch, I would have ten in my arms right now."

You know he is right. Women fawn over him whenever the two of you go out. At events or just on the streets. Even without his reputation as a football icon, Sae is a gorgeous man. 

You don't have anything left after meeting Sae. Your family and friends are left behind. Your schooling and your job are all set aside. If he doesn't want you anymore, what are you even worth? You panic. "I know Sae. I'm sorry, I'll do better. I swear." 

You really mean it, truly. You feel terrible. 

Sae’s voice softens. "You know why I still choose you out of all of the girls?"

You shake your head.

"Look at me."

You don't move.

"Look at me, baby."

He lifts your chin and your eyes fix on him. His teal eyes seem to glow.

"Because you're a good girl," he says firmly. So assured like it's the most obvious truth in the world. "You're a good girl, yes?"

You nod shakily. 

"You have to look good, so I also look good, understand? Say something." 

You nod again, biting back the tears that are trying to spill. But you manage to choke out a quiet 'yes'.

"When I'm good, we're," he gestures at the space between the two of you, "good. So, don't ruin this for us."

He hands you the popsicle stick. "If you make a mistake, you have to fix it. Then you have to learn from it. It's the same thing as football. I know it's hard, but I also know you can do it. Prove me right."

You crawl up to your feet and prepare to make your way to the bathroom. Except Sae stops you. "Do it here. You made your mistake here."

You take a deep breath and open your mouth. You take two fingers and try to reach the back of your throat. It's the first time you try to induce your gag reflex by yourself. Usually, you just throw up on time or Sae helps. You look towards Sae. He motions at the popsicle stick. So, you try again. This time, the birchwood presses on your tongue.

"That's it," he encourages, "keep going."

You feel the lurch. It comes in dry, just a wave of nausea. You stick the stick a bit deeper in your throat. This time the reaction is a bit more visceral. A few violent gurgles later, acidic cream spills out and splatters onto the floor. You hurl a few more times, just pure bile and some unidentifiable remnants of something. Tears blur your vision and the inside of your nostrils burn. 

"Now clean it up and think about what you did wrong."

You scramble up and limp over to kitchen towels to wipe up your mess.

"I...shouldn't have snuck out at night to...eat ice cream," you confess out loud. "I shouldn't have...eaten..."

"Good job," Sae compliments you, taking the soiled towels from you to throw away and handing you a glass of water and a capsule. "Now you'll never forget. Lessons are only useful if you'll get something out of them. I can see the change in you already."

This is the warm Sae that you love. His smile brings so much joy to you, especially when he is smiling because of you. You sip on the water, expertly swallowing the pill, and nod eagerly. "I'll lose more, Sae. I'll look pretty for you."

Sae smiles and pokes your cheeks. "That's my girl. It's for your own good too, you'll look very pretty when you can fit in the dresses I buy for you."

You bury the thoughts about the sharp pain in your chest and dull ache in your ankles. All that matter is Sae and his love for you. You can lose everything and anything but that.

[writingcold]

Welcome to Chapter Eleven and Twelve of Best Laid Plans

A/N:  We’re nearing the finish of this sad little story, and getting closer to that happy ending.  I appreciate everyone that has taken a bit of their time to read this one.  Amanda and Jake are important to me.  It’s been a story that came together so naturally and I hope that even though they experience so much heartbreak, that perhaps you can see the good bits that they’ve had as well.  Little pieces of happiness and strength and just life.

This is a complete fiction - totally made up.  I do not, nor will I ever know Jake or any member of GVF.  That said, this story is mine.  Please respect that.

@takenbythemaddness deserves all the love here.  She really did a lot of screaming at me, but those screams guided me.  Thank you my friend.

Content warnings: Language.  Alcohol.  Hints of sex, and sexual situations.  Adult relationships.  Talk of old trauma and old trauma caused by relationships.

Word count: approx. 7000

Chapter 11: August, 1992: Amanda POV        

     The swoon of The Black Crowes filled the air of Sparrow as I moved around, dusting, shifting books on the displays, adding new stock to the shelves.  It must’ve been close to midnight.  I was belting out “Seeing Things” like it was my entire life.  Funny how lyrics can match your spirit coming and going with whatever is happening in your life.  I had found strength.  I had found life without Roger was better than with him.  I had found my smile and the ability to stand on my own.  Sparrow was flourishing.  And in it all, I became my own woman.

     A tap at my door caught my attention, my cheeks blushing over the possibility of being caught singing so far off key, I might’ve found it again.  Jake stood, his body leaning down so as to see below the closed curtain.  

     “Having a party?”  he asked lightly as I let him in.

     “Naw, just doing chores,”  I said as I hurried to the stereo.  “You want a beer?”

     I held up my two down six pack from the open cooler.  He grinned and reached out in answer.  I opened my third and took a sip before pausing to listen to the new song roll out of the speakers.  Jake grinned.  Joe Cocker.  Of course.  “You are So Beautiful” leaked in the air between us.  He laughed as he took a long drink before setting the can aside.

     “Come here, beautiful,”  he whispered, holding his hand out and sweeping me into him.

     I was instantly overwhelmed by his warmth, his sounds, the way he hummed and murmured the lyrics.  I pressed my cheek to his chest when he brought his fingers up to stroke my hair.  Call it muscle memory.  Call it a siren call.  Call it whatever the fuck you want but I shuffled my feet in between his in perfect time, just like always.  My heart was swelling beyond the capacity of my chest.  My very soul was crying out for this man that held me for all of two minutes and forty some odd seconds.  

     We stopped moving as a stupid restaurant commercial started jingling from the speakers.  I felt my throat constrict as his fingers pressed into my back.  My brows pinched as I breathed in one more time before I moved away.

     “I have missed you,”  he said quietly.

     I was sniffling and running towards the counter to hide my emotions behind a tissue.  Instead of waffling, I plastered my best smile on and shook off the anxiousness of the moment.  When I turned back to him, the only thought that struck me was “I desperately want to be yours once more”, but I did not allow the words to dance across my tongue and be spoken into truth.  They could remain my dream for now.  

     “How is Jeanette?”  I asked instead, reaching for my can to take a drink.

     His mouth scrunched to the side, capturing the hint that ‘us’ was not a topic to discuss.  “She’s good.  We’ve gotta get-away coming up after Labor Day.  Heading up to Sault Saint Marie.  Should be pretty.”

     I grinned and nodded.  “It’ll be gorgeous this time of year.  Must be getting serious, surely.”

     I turned to grab my duster and to hide my eyes rolling closed.  I may not have wanted to broach the topic of ‘us’ but I sure as shit did not want to be talking about Jeanette either.  I knew they were dating.  I knew they might as well be dating exclusively from what the town gossip rags were raging about.  

     Jake shrugged.  “We are just enjoying each other’s company, I guess.  I don’t know.”     I shot him a questioning look.  “Are you serious?  Jake, you two have been ‘dating’ for what, at least 18 months?”

     He shrugged again.  “She likes how things are right now.  It’s comfortable.”

     I nodded as I started getting back to work.  He chatted about the pending meetings with the Fall Street Fair committee.  Of course, I had been approached to chair the group this year, although I am sure I didn’t quite agree to being said chair.  It was fine though.  I had some ideas to expand things and incorporate a dance to bring in more people to the evening events.

     We finished the six pack and Jake left with a wave.  Into my apartment, I was sure that I was going to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion.  Instead, my mind swirled, latching on how he called me ‘beautiful’.  How he had held me.  It wasn’t that I was not dating.  I had been out more than a few times with nice men.  They just weren't Jake.  I took what I could, selfishly at times.  And that was all right.  Whatever happened between us - falling back together or remaining friends, it would be enough to sustain me.  Probably.

Jake POV

     I woke up in her bed.  My dream had placed me squarely in Mandy’s arms, but instead, I smiled into the sleepy face of Jeanette.  I traced her cheek before planting a kiss to her forehead with a promise of making pancakes for breakfast.  

     “You’re too good, Jake,”  she moaned as she yanked the blankets up to her chin and snuggled in.

      She really was a lovely woman.  She cared for me in a way that satisfied me.  Was it love?  In a fashion it was.  But it was a shadow compared to what once had been mine.  What was still with Amanda.  I felt it the previous night.  That heat that echoed between us - acknowledged but unnoted.  Our steady return to friendship meant everything. I listened to Jeanette as she bumped around on her way to the shower.  She was about to be on shift at the hospital for the weekend.  I had promised her a good breakfast as well as dropping her off supper tonight.  I promised to stay away after that, a request she had to keep her focused as she entered her second fourteen hour shift.  She’d just laugh and say that the super bitch would emerge, so best to not see her in that condition.  

     I heard her calling me from the beyond and I put a pause on flipping pancakes.  I grinned as I was met with a mountain of steam and a sigh.  

     “You need something?”  I asked as my fingers wrapped around the shower curtain. 

     I will admit all I could see was how her fingers ghosted up the curve of her hips to the swell of her breasts, the bubbles of the soap leaving trails down her lush skin.  I don’t think I even bothered taking my clothes off before I jumped in with her.  But that was what we had.  That moment sums up our relationship quite well.  Spontaneous.  Fun.  

     “You’ll be busy with the festival committee, yeah?”  she was asking as she buttered up her pancakes.  

     I was nodding as I dragged a towel across my hair.  “Not looking forward to it, but it is what it is.  Should be good though.  We’re bringing back the dancefloor since that was such a hit last year.  But instead of a DJ this year, I’ve gotten the Jewel boys lined up to play.”

     “Ooo, sounds romantic,”  she said before taking a big bite.  

     “Should be,”  I agreed as I reached for my mug.

     She followed me out her front door and we parted with a warm kiss, lingering over the glow that we had given to each other.  It was easy with Jeanette.  

     I stopped in Martin’s to get Bugger and Meg set up to start the day before I headed out to the meeting at the hotel.  Mandy was already there, her smile wide and filled with energy.  She gave me a little wave as she was listening to a group talk at her at rapid speed.  I edged the perimeter, making sure I was seen without having to interact just yet.   Mrs. Button latched onto my arm and practically dragged me over to her business partner, Mrs. Olsen, with suggestions on flowers and plants that they just needed my opinion on.  Mandy had pointed out they just liked me in particular - young, single, and handsome.  I smiled as they bubbled over their pictures all spread out in an array of color.

     “I happen to like the stonecrops, petunias and hydrangeas, ladies,”  Mandy remarked, her eyes on me as she walked up to us.  “The bolder the better, eh?”

     The two ladies cackled like crows as they began to shuffle through the photos to bring together the suggested fauna.  She tucked in close to me, all the while nodding and agreeing - ferns? Sure.  Perhaps we need to feature local grown…  Coneflowers?  How lovely.  I stood and absorbed her presence.  For the first time in a very long while, I felt it.  The gentle tug starting at the very tips of my toes reaching out as her gravity beckoned me.

     I sat across from her during the actual meeting.  Everything from the grand opening at noon on Saturday to the dance Sunday evening was discussed.  The carnival rides would be making a return to the park, and main street would be turned into a walking only venue for two whole days.  I watched her as she presented costs and features and alternate plans in case of bad weather.  And yet.

     The thoughts that tumbled through my mind was the fact that I had been in love with the woman before me since I was seventeen.  She had given me direction, motivation, and purpose.  She gave me memories and solace when I thought times could not get worse.  We knew each other without a singular touch or word between us.  I could recall in a fraction of a second every smile, every hushed moan, every ounce of touch she had ever given me.  In her current state, she was healing.  Her wounds are still visible, but closing.  Nearly a year away from Roger had given her inklings of confidence that I had been privy to so long before.  Nearly a year, and she was visibly healing.

      Jeanette and I had stopped at Babcia’s for dinner when I saw Mandy in the corner booth with a guy I did not know.  That was back in April, close to my birthday.  I teased her about it the next day.  I was given a blush across her cheeks and an instant withdrawal by her, but I will not lie, I was a little hurt that I had not been her first date.  I had wondered at the time if she realized it.  When I saw her walking into the diner with Adam Walker the following week, I knew.  She was trying to find a path away from all of her hurt.  Seeking comfort with those she did not have such an extended history with.  And that was fine.  I could continue to live off our friendship.  I would survive on our walled off and restrained notions of love.

     Our trip up north had been amazing.  Jeanette was truly a partner for my curiosity.  We were a good match in our shared interests and we both had a desire to find adventure in the little daily pieces of life.  She brought me a smile that I could not deny in that manner.  She took me on the lock tour, while I wanted to walk the downtown for window shopping.  She dragged me out to hike the park, and I made us go to a few of the taverns.  We both enjoyed the music shop and the book store.  Not unlike our town, they happened to be side by side.  

      “I bet best friends do not own those,”  Jeanette said, her tone light as we were walking away, her eyes full of warmth.

      I had paused at her comment.  It was not the first time that she had brought up Mandy in such a fashion.  There was no intent there other than to acknowledge the closeness I had with Amanda.  There wasn't any suggestion that there was anything other than friendship.  I had glanced back at the two shops and smiled.  

      I had not shared anything of what Georgia had dropped upon me two years prior with anyone.  It took six months just to process the information that she had so totally duped me into believing I was horrible for betraying my girl.  Jeanette knew enough about Georgia, and the reason I could not stay in the marriage.  She had listened to me while I had expressed my doubts that Liam was my child, though in my heart he would always have a residence.  I listened to her and her heartbreak.  The loss of her husband, Gabriel, in a car accident that had left her hospitalized for three weeks and him in the ground.  I guess we were a pair.  Each finding solace in the other over the level of loss that had been tattooed on our spirits.  We certainly found a way to extend comfort and patience to the other across the many times of need.

      Once returned to Frankenmuth, we parted ways with a promise to see each other soon.  I was unsure if the committed non-committal thing was what kept me right with her.  Or maybe, we were just two similar souls that were in a holding pattern for the next big event that would pull us apart.  Regardless, once home, laundry done with a beer in my hand, I was ready to start the work week relaxed.

     Morning coffee had turned into Mandy’s coffee since her completion of the coffee bar and treat case.  The idea was a hit.  She had people waiting for shop opening at eight every morning and the morning pastries were gone within the first hour.  I would show up about nine, to which she would have my cup at the ready and a saved cafe table that was closer to the back door.  When I walked in the morning after the trip, her face was a mix of relief and question.  When I prodded her, she just shook her head and pointed out that she had a new round of biographies that I would be interested in.

      The cooler weather was kissing the air and tickling the town.  I invited Jeanette to supper at my place a few weeks after our trip away.  She brought the wine and I cooked way too much shrimp and pasta, but it did actually come out amazingly.  We sat on the deck to eat and drink and laugh.  I had put on an album inside so it could drift outside in the background.  She looked lovely that night.  Her smile was inviting.  Her mood was light.  So when the question came around, I was caught off guard.

      “So, am I just your placeholder for Mandy?  I mean, are you just waiting for her at this point?”  

      “Placeholder?”  I repeated the word.  The fact that she used it to describe herself struck a chord.  “No…?  I’m not sure where this is coming from.  I just thought we were…”

      She puffed out her cheeks before taking a sip of her wine.  “Relax, Jake.  Just a conversation that I think we’re overdue for.”

      “Why would you call yourself a placeholder?  What does that even mean?”  I asked, still not liking the direction.

      She stayed quiet for a few beats that chewed into my system.  “Don’t mind me.  I think I’m just off tonight.”

      I watched her confidence evaporate instantly, leaving her near silent in her rush to leave.  “Jeanette, wait.  Pardon me being dense here.  Why would you think you were a placeholder?  Like what we have doesn’t mean anything?”

      “Forget it. I gotta get going anyway.  I’m on at seven tomorrow morning,”  she started grabbing plates and standing up.  

      I reached out but couldn’t stop her.  I grabbed the rest of the dishes and caught her inside the kitchen.  “Just stop, please.  It hurts that you would think this whole time you thought I was just waiting things out for Mandy.  You’ve been very important to me.  I thought we…”

      Her eyes glistened as she was reaching for her purse and keys.  “Jake, now I’m just embarrassed.  Please.  I’m just going to go and we’ll forget I said anything.”

      I caught her around the wrist to stop her.  “Jean, hey, stop.  Just for a minute.  I don’t like seeing you like this.”

      “Really,”  she huffed, shaking her head.  “It’s fine.  Just let me go.”

      I watched as she left, pulling out of the driveway quickly to make her escape.  I called her place to make sure she got home, but she did not answer.  Fuck.  I left a quick message on her machine to call me.  Instead of losing the night in her skin, I lost the night in thoughts of me not making her feel special enough.  For not making her feel like she was important enough.  For that I was…. Fuck, I was an idiot.

Chapter 12: October, 1992: Amanda POV

      The first week of October had arrived.  The carnival trucks rolled into town on Tuesday and the park was being set up quickly for the launch on Saturday at noon.  Main Street was being cleaned up and prepped for all the fixings to be set out.  The tents had arrived.  Assignments and locations were marked and mapped.  This thing was ready to launch.  

     Jake seemed off for more than a few days.  Distracted seemed to be a good word for him.  I was too busy - words I felt guilty saying even to myself - to stop long enough to check in on him.  Instead, we continued our paths, side by side, just like always.  

     I blinked and Friday appeared.  The street was blocked off so shop owners could start setting up their tents along the wide sidewalks.  Saturday morning was a flurry of activity.  Mick and Robin were manning the shop while I brought on a few extra hands to be in the booth with me.  I noticed that Jake was all set, a wide collection of tables set out with old wooden beer case bins holding vintage albums.  I caught his eye and gave a wave as I was running down towards the park to make sure the stalls for the Farmer’s Market were in place.  It was enough to give me a little flutter.  He had his hair pulled back just at the crown of his head, allowing the length that now spilled over his shoulders to hang loose.  I might’ve looked a little too long and ran into the flower power girls and their carts of ferns.  

      Once I untangled from Mrs. Button and Mrs. Olsen, I marched down to the park to see the carnival rides and game row all in place, being given their final safety clearance.  The Farmer’s Market corner was lovely and filled with all sorts of cool stuff.  At noon, the wagons were sent out for those parked at a distance for free hayrides into the event.  The local 4H manned that helm and the kids were given an avenue to talk about their club and animals and whatever the hell else they wanted to.

      People were lined up for the late afternoon parade.  It seemed like nonstop activity.  The high school band led the festivities and the amount of candy thrown was shocking.  The evening was ushered in with the end of the parade.  The carnival would stay open until midnight, while the shops on main street closed up at seven.  In the midst of carrying coolers and pitchers, I caught sight of Jake dragging tables back towards Martin’s.  I started to smile until I saw Jeanette appear, stepping into his waiting touch, his waiting kiss.  My heart clenched at the sight of how lovely they looked.

      Whipping myself around before I was caught, I cleaned up quickly.  I could feel the yearning in my skin for his touch.  For his singular attention.  The way he would clench his jaw as he watched his fingers trace the line of my thigh haunted my dreams.  I was on the verge of rupture when I was blessed with Mick stepping out to start helping carry the heavy trays.  I retreated upstairs after lights out and put on a CD of something instrumental to fill the air with something other than my lingering thoughts of a man who I had no claim to.  Pouring out a cup of hot chamomile, I worked through my night routine - locking the door, washing up, jammies, book, tea and my bed covered with a million cute pillows.  

      My book landed next to me while my thoughts swirled around.  I had dated a grand total of four men - all of them nice.  I even slept with two of them.  I had nearly forgotten what it was to be desired.  Jake had been the first to remind me.   Adam had been the second.  Chris was just… strange and I’ll leave it at that.  No - really.  Not strange.  That’s the wrong word.  It just kind of happened and I was not hurt when I did not feel the need to return that man’s call.  But now…  My eyes closed as the heat of Jake’s touch crept through my memory.  He had a way of making me feel like I could fly.  Like I could set the world on fire and he would gladly supply the gasoline.  The way he would smile so softly as he explored my body, and how the corners of his eyes would crinkle when I pressed kisses to those places he couldn’t stop the moan from escaping from his lips.  Fuck.

      I rolled to my side and snapped the light off, discovering the dark only made things worse.  I slipped out from the bed with a strangled huff, latching on to my mug and retreating to my kitchen table.  My eyes caught sight of a long forgotten navy blue spine with little silver stars that had been carelessly tossed on top of the fridge.  In all the crazy of the summer, I had forgotten that Jenni had brought a box of stuff from our room.  She was helping Mom repaint and prepare the house for sale.  The folks were officially downsizing.  Odd to think that our home would be host to someone other than the Fischer family.  

      I reached and grabbed the journal that I had so brokenly discarded more than a decade before.  I chewed the corner of my mouth as I sat down, instantly spilling out a bunch of photographs.  I smiled as I pushed them together in a pile with careful hands.  My smile began to twist and curl as I looked upon the joy that was stretched across our youthful faces.  I looked upon fond memories of days down by the river, cuddle moments in his parent’s basement, a picture snapped of us being total idiots at Miller’s.  Each one I could tell you the day, the time, the occasion, the feel, the smell, the tenderness, the laughter that happened.  My eyes skated over my tumbled out thoughts and trilled secrets.  I re-read passages of hope and love and desires.  I giggled over sketchy ideas of what it would be like to have sex with Jake, followed by ‘holy shit’ revelations.  It was all there.  My eighteen year old self was so right when I said that “Jake was the joy of the sun, the soul of the moon, the river between my toes, the breath in my lungs, the love of my life.”

     I paused.  I knew what the last entry was.  I knew the words that I had scrawled; the tear marks that blotched the heavy paper.  I ran my finger over the edge, allowing myself to feel the stain of the memory.  To go from such a high of seeing him coming home to see me, to celebrate us, and then to fall to such waste and anger in seconds was enough to make me feel like I had snapped my spine and broke my spirit.

      Another moment of hesitation and I turned the page to find that picture of Jake in the red swim trunks, his mouth stretched wide in an open smile.  I dragged in a breath.  There were the splotches in the ink from my angry, leaked out tears.  There was the wrinkled corner from where I nearly shredded the page from the book.  I did not read the words that I had written in such a blind rage, but more so took in the heavy slant, the hard press into the paper, the sloppiness, the carelessness…  But then at the bottom, my eyes froze.  I did not remember writing the last sentences and my heart broke all the more for my young self.  “I do not believe with all that is of me that Jake betrayed me.  It is just not in him to be so reckless, so thoughtless of what we had as to be with another woman.  I don’t care if he was drunk.  I just cannot believe he could be so not loyal to us.”

      There it was again.  A stubbornness to not believe what was, and not heal from the wound that had buried itself so deep.  Breathing in, I knew there was still scar tissue, still marks from that first swipe of ‘forever’.  Roger had blazed across every nerve ending and exposed brain cells.  He had ruined my confidence and eroded my edges that made me - me.  I admit, I dwelled on how I had allowed that man to run me over and obliterate what I thought were the best parts of me.  I thought I would never heal.  I thought the damage done would be permanent.  It was not lost on me that this situation had been a repeated one.  While Jake’s trespass had been a mistake, Roger’s had been intentional.  Intentional harm.  Intentional destruction.  In order to get beyond Roger’s damage, I had to also recognize the older, persistent trauma that had been entombed in the recesses of myself behind a wall of doubt.  Had I allowed my perceived goodness in Jake to cover what had been done?  Maybe.  A little bit of me still wanted to believe that what Jake had done was not real.  

     I am totally not sure how I had finally wrestled myself to rest, but I did.  Day one of the Fall Festival was a success.  Now, just to live through day two.  I fixed myself a fast breakfast and was downstairs, setting up for the day within a half an hour.  The day was chilly but clear.  Mick dragged himself through the door, while Robin flitted in with a huge smile and a breakfast casserole to share.  Festivities for the day were more focused on the farmer’s market, carnival rides, and the ending with the dance and live music.  I had gotten the insulated pitchers of hot chocolate to the counter when Jake appeared.  

     “Good morning,”  I chirped as I plugged in the big coffee percolators to get to work.  “I have coffee inside…”

     He grinned and followed me in, a sleepy glance to his tent next door.  “We did really good yesterday, Mandy.  Everyone is saying that their foot traffic may have been near double of what it was last year.”

      I nodded as I poured him a cup.  “Taking Jeanette to the dance tonight?”

      I hid the internal groan that I chomped down in my throat.  Why would I ask that kind of a question other than to divert my thoughts that he would never know were going on in the first place.  Damn I am an idiot at times.

      “I guess.  She’s going with a group and I told her I’d meet her there,”  he answered before blowing across the heat of the coffee.  “You?  Are you taking anyone?”

      “Just myself.  No one wanted this hot little number today,”  I said, shimmying my hips like an idiot.  I mean really?  Who was this person, for surely it was not me.

      He frowned for a moment.  Thankfully, Mick and Robin were banging around as they struggled with filling coolers for the day.  Of course, Robin shoved a hunk of casserole under his nose to share with Bugger in particular, and Meg.  We fell into routine as if both of us just needed to retreat into the comfortable instead of my awkwardness.  The day rolled through with lots of visitors from out of town as well as residents.  The street music that Jake provided was a fun addition, setting a tone that was light and put people at an ease.  The day was feeling its Autumn self - mostly cloudy and a little breezy.  We had to rush to refill our hot chocolate and coffee more than a few times.  But it was fun.  It was fun to see our town awash in pumpkins and flannel and little clear twinkle lights and just everything.  It made me love the town all over again.  To know I had a hand in it… yeah.

     The evening brought our shops to close at five, even though our foot traffic was still heavy.  We moved our operation down the street to the park for the dance and ending with fireworks.  The Jewel Boys were a large farm family that were renowned for their musical talents.  The seven brothers came together to play a variety of music from bluegrass, to country, to hillbilly rock and of course old time ballads and standards.  They had been a local draw for years.  I smiled as I watched Jake helping them set up, eyes just twinkling as he looked over their gear and guitars.  The dark navy of his blazer set off the auburn that was in his hair as it fell across his shoulders and back.  I had not seen him smile like that in a very long time.  It was his realm.  Music.  He belonged to it in such a way that although we all saw it in Martin’s, but on the few occasions I had seen him on a gig - it made me wonder if he belonged in another life.  A life that he was born to be on the stage for all to see.

      He waved at me while I gathered up the mayor for their big thank you for coming speech.  Mayor Pauley smiled and waved as Jake tried to hand her a microphone, giving up and just grabbing hold of her hand to place it directly in her palm.  Everyone laughed as he backed away dramatically and she continued on with the task of introductions and welcomes and thank yous.  I took my bow when she mentioned me and the business committee that made the whole event possible.  Upon completion, she introduced the Jewel Boys to an uproar of applause.  People crowded the dancefloor and the surrounding area just to watch the spectacle.  I admit, I rode the edge.  It was enough to just watch everyone else have fun.

      I took note that Jeanette was dancing with friends, her face all lit with light as Jake stayed on stage, playing mandolin for the first few songs.  I wondered if she saw what I did when he played like this.  He was not just Jake.  He was the kind of beautiful that you could see the music was seeping out of his pores and absolute joy shone in his eyes.  He was effortlessly golden.  

      I chatted with those around me, just appreciating the music and the happy mood that clung to the air.  Jake took his bow and introduced the next song before taking off to be at Jeanette’s side.  I caught his gaze for a few moments.  His gravity was strong, yanking me across the distance.  I forced myself to move away and instead, I turned to find Mr. Henry, asking me to dance.  How could I say no to that handsome man?

      I found myself belly laughing as Henry serenaded me as we danced.  He was amazing.  Somehow, just before the song ended, though, I found myself face to face with Jake.  He had tapped on Henry’s shoulder to interrupt.  The band slipped into some bouncy pop song that we were completely silly to.  It just felt good to see my friend cut loose.  Just as I was about to bow out, the next song swooned across the masses.  The space on the floor suddenly widened as a slow melody took root to swish away the singles and welcome the couples.

     “The Nearness of You” was a soft spot for me, and Jake knew it.  He glanced over his shoulder for a moment before stepping in close to bring my body close to his.  We shuffled across the floor, our eyes upon each other as he hummed along the notes.  To be held to him so close made my heart feel sick.  My skin longed for his caress.  I let out a nervous laugh as he softly sang the first words…

     It’s not the pale moon that excites me

     That thrills or delights me

     Oh no

     It’s the nearness of you…

     He turned me gently.  He held me tenderly.  When I looked at his face, I could see our path stretch out, coming back together just as it was supposed to be.  His gravity wrapped around me and mingled with mine.  For a moment, I thought for sure we were the only ones dancing within that most perfect of memory.  I could feel his heart racing as my fingers came to rest on his chest.  I’m sure he knew my breath was coming way too fast.  I smiled as a soft hum rippled through him - familiar and warm and…  As the notes faded, he closed his eyes as a breath escaped from between his lips.  

     And then it was done.  That moment.  It was like one of those moments where you’re instantly questioning if it happened the second it is over.  Our bodies stopped and started to move away from each other.

     “Mandy, look at me,”  he whispered when I could not lift my chin to even smile a thank you.

      “I can’t,”  I said, my chest choking on so many words that wanted to pour out.  It was neither the time, nor the venue to do so.  “I have to go, Jake.”

      The last words of my little girl journal struck me as I walked away.  You would think that these words were full of venom and hate and betrayal and confusion.  Though the words were full of fire, they contained none of it.  It was lament.  Lament for what was in front of Jake at that time.  A sorrow.  A concern for only him in what he was facing.  Nothing of me.  Nothing of my hurt.  It was like the moment of cauterization of our relationship all over again.  We were both healthy.  We were both happy.  Was there just too much scar tissue to allow us a way back to each other?  It was undeniable that there was still love.  A deep love that flowed like an underground current through us both.  

     I drifted away feeling very much like I had left myself behind with him.  I had to focus on my next task to finish the night and leave the moment behind.  The chill in the air danced across my skin and realized that there was dampness on my face.  Wiping at my cheeks, I had no idea why there needed to be tears.  I caught sight of Jeanette as she and Jake were walking towards the staging for the fireworks.  She had a smile that seemed off.  I wondered if she had seen it.  Seen me being an absolute juvenile while dancing with a man she was obviously so right for, even if I did not want to admit it to myself.

      When the night was over, and I was sliding into my bed, I grabbed hold of my pillow and hugged it tight.  I was feeling those threads, that current strangling me in a way that was forcing me to see very clearly:  I needed to say goodbye.  It was time.  My relationship with Jake had shaped me for over twelve years.  Twelve years that we were not together.  It was foolhardy to hold a standard of what I had for a fleeting six months to anything that I could possibly treasure now.  Treasure that I could have as my own and grow away from Jake.  He needed to have what was right in front of him - a good woman who so loved him in a way that was nice to see him have.  I did not need to fuck with that.  Perhaps it was time to finally heal the last bit of wound that was there and move on.

Jake POV

     To watch Amanda walk away from me with tears in her eyes hurt.  Deeply.  I yanked myself together like a patchwork quilt and returned to my spot to watch the rest of the music set.  Jeanette seemed to sense a drift and stayed away until it was time for fireworks.  Her touch was warm as we walked side by side down into the park by the river.  We found my folks and Ronnie, Dave and the kids.  I was knee deep in my nephews and niece; a welcomed respite from the thoughts that troubled me.

     I had taken Jeanette home after the festivities, leaving her with a kiss at her door as she was supposed to be on shift at seven the next morning.  I took a moment, standing in my boxers in my kitchen, a glass of water between my fingers, to play back the moment that I had her next to me, against me.  I could feel her warmth still.  My heart was angry with it.  My breath was tainted with it.

     I pretended to be normal for a week.  Jeanette was on a week from hell, covering shifts while working her own.  Our contact was me dropping off plates of food and phone calls that lasted moments.  I could tell she was holding something back.  We had not taken the time to really get into her upset from a few weeks back.  We merely had fallen back in step of our comfort.  

      Saturday evening brought her around to my place for a dinner date.  I was going to take her to a little cafe that we had stumbled upon closer to Flint.  I figured getting out of town would be good.  Just a little space and a long evening would be good.  However, when she landed on my doorstep, I knew we were going nowhere.  Instead, I made a pot of coffee and sat with her in the living room.  I could feel her defenses were up, despite her smile and warmth that danced in her eyes.  

      After our pleasantries and catching up from a busy week, the silence beat for a bit too long.  She seemed to be mulling over her words.  I did not want to tread forward until she was ready because I truly did not know how to broach the subject that seemed to weigh on her and I did not want to force it.

      “You know, Jake,”  she started, the corner of her mouth pulling up into a half smile, “when I was young, I watched how my grandparents looked at each other.  My grandfather had the absolute audacity to look at my grandmother like she was the queen of his whole world.  I was brought up to think I deserved that kind of love.  And there are so many around here that have that.  You ever notice that?  Mr. Henry and Ada.  Lord, your folks have it in spades.  I’ve dreamt of being that for someone.  I know I had it with Gabe.  I don’t want to be selfish, but I would like to have that again.”

      I felt my stomach drop to my feet.  I knew what she was talking about.  It clicked.

      “You have to admit, these past few years have been amazing,”  she said quietly.  “I’ve hoped to have…  I’ve hoped that you could have been my person, Jake.  But truth is, that’s not going to happen.”

      “Jeanette,”  I managed, trying to reach for her hand.

      “I love you, Jake,”  she breathed out, the words tangling up in her throat.  “I know you care very much for me-”

      “Hey.”  I stopped her, my heart swelling as I reached for her hand.  “You can’t say I’ve not loved you.”

      She grinned sadly.  “Thank you.  You’re right.  You have.  But Sunday I realized something.  Amanda Fischer has been your person for so long.  You still want her.  And that’s okay.  I know that what we have has been so special to me.  I think we’ve been good to get over some pretty hard stuff, haven’t we?”

      I perked my eyebrow at her sentiment.  She was correct.  It had been years since I had felt as whole as I had in recent days and weeks.  It was like I was a clean slate with only hints of fissures and glued together cracks of what I was in the past that were just barely visible.  She had made that possible.

      “I better go,”  she said, her voice growing strong.  “Thank you for everything, Jacob.”

      I tugged on her hand to bring her close.  “Thank you, Jeannette.”

      I kissed her softly and pulled her into a hug.  It was not a mourning of parting that I felt.  Instead, it was the opposite.  I felt like we were celebrating.  Like we were graduating beyond our grief; our damage.  She felt it, too.  I watched as she left and absorbed the quietness that she left behind.  It was not a bad thing.  It was mine.

I’ll see you next Wednesday for the final chapter and epilogue.  💚  

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[burby2007]

I need to apologize I need to take a break for a while I might occasionally post something Eddsworld related but yeah going to take a break I'm a very mentally ill person and sometimes during a mental breakdowns I do some not great things mostly just cry and wish death upon myself and tell people that they deserve so much better than me which sadly I still agree with I generally don't understand why anybody wants to do with me but they do the main reason why I wanted to take a break because of my disappointment in the team on Eddsworld

I don't dislike them but there's certain attributes about the team that I'm not a big fan of me and one of my friends agree that Matt's kind of seems a little greedy now I know especially one of my fans / friends will disagree and you know what she has the right to feel that way I like Matt but he's kind of seeming like he's a little greedy with certain things but that's just me no one's truly perfect I'm not a big fan though so they did the Yootuz thing with tord like the man just wants to be left alone you probably what about the end part 1 and 2 honestly yeah it's kind of the same thing but when it comes to that at least it actually has some married to it because without tord it really would have been the end.

Anyways here's my opinion about the crew the animators no issue with really honestly I like no issue with 90% of the crew the only ones I have an issue with is really just I think I'll have an issue with Matt possibly to be fair I can judge him completely though we truly don't know what's going on behind the scenes and I guess diei because I texted him and he has never responded for like 2 weeks and it really bothers me even though he said he's busy a lot but at this point I just gave up sorry that he doesn't like me or something.

Also another issue I have is Beyond's kind of slowly going downhill like the comedies kind of stretched out and honestly that's all it's more commercialized and it's ever been which that I'm nutshell isn't bad but the marketing is like so forced it's kind of annoying and honestly like Tom's voice actor like makes a kind of worse because it's like it's like such a marketing voice it's kind of sad but you know he's a good voice actor so I can't hate him too much now with all these criticisms towards the crew do I hate Eddsworld no do I need to take a break from them yes it does not help the fact I am still grieving over my father in my mental health is slowly decreased ever since his passing and I worry that I'm going to say something wrong so I should probably take a break.

That doesn't mean I'm completely done with Eddsworld forever though I think I'm forever stuck to it call me edd head addict if you will but I think it's time for me to step down for a little bit I hope you all be okay and understand it it might not be a long break to be honest cuz my attention spans like a nutshell so I don't know I do know one thing I'll never talk any of the Eddsworld members ever again Miuns if they want to talk to me or something which we all know they don't want to. But yeah um its edd day soo yeah im tried so gn

I love you edward