#I did this all within the past like 12 hours if something is bad. no it isn't

[vulcanautus]

theres a guy in my soup

[scratchandplaster]

FEBUWHUMP DAY 12 - Semi-conscious

CW: conditioning, parental Whumper, amnesia, emotional manipulation

Previous | [Masterlist] | Next

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

.

..

...

"...easy to return here whenever I..."

"My words...you know how to..."

"...slowly coming back to the waking world."

Someone was speaking to him, though Ben was still far too gone to register it.

"Eight. Feeling the tranquility join you from within, always following my voice."

Not yet, he wanted to stay in the pleasant darkness.

"Nine. Coming back to me now, and ten: Wake up!"

With a snap, Bens eyes plopped open, searching confused for the origin of this command. There he was again: Dad, rubbing up and down his spine to help him stir back to the present. The warm smile Ben all too gladly returned only helped to hold on to it.

"Well then, how are we feeling?"

Blinking a few times made the fog in his head partially vanish, but the airy, sticky presence at the back of his head never budged. Yet Ben didn't just feel okay, he felt great! Like a heavy burden was lifted from his chest.

Not strong enough to use his voice again, he simply hugged his dad as tight as he could. Oh, Ben missed him so-so much, it was killing him. Shepard, too, was freed of the heavy pressure inside his heart, never stopping the calming pets that kept his son's mind warm and pliable.

"Ben, do you have any questions about what we discussed?"

Questions? What did they talk about? Maybe Ben spaced out again, like he always did if his wits weren't required... Well, it couldn't have been very dicey if his thoughts already jumped to another topic.

"No, thanks."

Dad's smirk told him that this was somehow the right answer: "Perfect. Dinner will be ready soon, so let's get you to freshen up a bit."

Though Ben had no idea nor clue about what was happening to him, he trusted his dad to guide him. Shepard always knew what to do.

During the past few hours spent together, the sun had begun to set again. The dim twilight didn't really help in getting rid of the fuzziness adorning the world around the edges - focussing felt impossibly hard.

Only as a damp wash cloth wiped through Ben's weary face, his mind began to clear up further, yesterday's worries nothing more than a bad dream.

Cleaning up the crumbs of sleep from Reuben's eyes let Shepard reminisce of how it used to be between him and his sons, just the three of them hand in hand. Since then, everything had just become more complicated. Maybe too complicated, seeing how the boys saw themselves as abandoned and unloved enough to leave one after another. A mistake he had to correct.

After getting the debris off Ben, Shepard picked up a wooden brush to comb through his untamed hair. As far as his dad could tell, Ben enjoyed the endless attention, nearly whining when it stopped.

"It's chilly outside," Shepard whispered and eyed Ben's unusual outfit; too much polyester for his taste, "I don't want you to get a cold, so I made a little something."

Rummaging around behind himself, Shepard pulled out a cardigan and unfolded it to let Ben be the judge of it: it was brand new, mustard-yellow yarn loosely knit into itself. Ben found it beautiful, especially the little cherries stitched on it.

Cherries…just like Sam gave him. Ben hoped they wouldn't join them for dinner too, and cursed himself for it instantly. A cracked ego was no reason to be rude.

"I tried a new pattern. You still grow like a weed, so I had to tweak the measurements a bit," Dad explained and helped him into it, beaming with joy.

Ben, fuzzy and floaty, was also handed a shiny bar of chocolate from a trunk besides them.

"What's that?"

"The present you bought for us," Shepard responded confused, arranging Ben's hairdo into a neat side parting.

"Uhm-"

"At the store? You said you wanted to hand it out at dinner. Shawn couldn't sit still because of all the anticipation."

"Oh, sure." Dinner - there was a stray memory about a gift, though escorted by the faint impression that something was off. This fugue state Shepard recognized only grudgingly.

"You don't have to share, it's yours. You're free to decide."

"No-no, it’s okay. I'm just a bit lost." A clear understatement, dear Ben would forget his own head if it wasn't screwed on. Biting his lip, he had a question for him after all: "Dad, I-I want to know beforehand: how - what will be my punishment?"

Shepard's face twisted painfully: "Punishment? Punish - no! We are so thankful that you came back to us, none of us would ever punish you for that."

Reuben doubted his candor again, as if Shepard didn't just spend hours educating him otherwise. Soft words were not enough this time, it seemed, as Ben kept on dodging his shocked gaze: "Luke said you'd hate me for leaving."

"Oh sweetheart, come on," Shepard sighed and gently took his hand, "I'll show you the truth."

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Thanks for reading 🤍 [Febuwhump 2024 Masterlist]

@febuwhump

[softpine]

oh god i'm spiraling thinking about how this is going to make elaine feel after she hears asa did this as soon as she dropped him off! and beth and cara? danny and casper? stevie maybe being the one to find him?? IM LOSING IT

seriously i feel so bad for elaine, she has the least context of anyone in this situation. all she knows is that asa was acting weirder than normal and very secretive, then she takes him home and within hours he takes his life. she'll be rethinking everything he told her that day, i mean he literally said “If I can’t help anyone, then… I don’t know why I’m even here. I don’t know how much longer I can stand to be so useless.” she's going to feel so guilty :(

beth, who has been battling with herself over whether she should let asa be a normal kid with privacy and agency, and who only just convinced caroline to ease up on him a little. and cara??? this is quite literally her worst fear:

danny and casper, who both chose to pursue something for themselves instead of putting their family first like they always have in the past, who are terrified of being far away when their family needs them.

stevie, who convinced asa to look for finn in the first place, and who already has guilt over the way she froze up and watched a woman die because she couldn't jump into action quickly enough. stevie, who will have to be the one to intercept asa's parents at the door if the paramedics haven't gotten there yet.

jada, who we aren't sure how much she saw or knows yet, but the sheer amount of guilt she has weighing her down is already so so heavy. i can't even imagine how responsible she would feel for potentially being unable to save her best friend since the literal day he was born.

and finn??? the real kicker for me is that finn would/will be horrified when he finds out what asa put his family through, all for him. he got upset when asa did something as innocuous as burning family pictures, because asa's family loves him so much and he hates that asa has put such a strain on their relationship because of finn.

but i hope i've made it clear enough that this isn't really about finn. asa hasn't been cycling through antidepressants and seeing countless doctors since he was 12 for no reason; he genuinely does struggle with severe depression, losing finn was just the last straw. asa's ability to see ghosts has caused him so much pain over the years, but finn alone made it worth the heartache. without him, he feels entirely helpless. he's surrounded by people every moment of every day, but he can't connect with a single one of them. so while his motivation here may not have been to die and stay dead, i also can't say that he had a clear enough mind to be worried about the emotional impact this would have on the people around him. he knows that if caroline found his body, she would never recover from that, but even that is only a short-term consequence – he's not thinking about how his loved ones will feel in a week or a year or the rest of their lives. i can't really fault him for that. but the whole thing is fucking tragic :(

[imaaa]

i have two exams within the next 12 hours. i need to pull an all-nighter to pass my exam. but all i want to do is… i don't know. i want to go back home and sit next to my mumma. i want her reassuring words. i can call her and tell her i need her to comfort me. but she will end up worrying about me for the next couple of days; i do not want that. so, i won't call her or text her. but, oh lord, i want to be hugged so bad. never have i ever wanted comfort the way i want it right now.

i am so tired, tired to the point that i wish my to-do list was empty. it never seems to reach an end. there is always some deadline to get, a form to be filled, a case study to be read. today was not that terrible. but it made me reach that point where i totally lost control over having the capacity to control how i react or think. rationality slipped out of the picture. things can be so tough sometimes, and then there's nobody to help you. absolutely no one who can help you with certain things.

my life has completely transformed. i don't talk to people i used to converse with every day. and now i am friends with the ones i didn't even know two months back. i walk around the same campus at the same time every day. it is almost mechanical at this point. i am somewhere i never thought i would be able to make it. i am grateful to be here, but i am not really sure why i am here. did i make the right choice?

at this point, i don't know whom i miss or what i want from life, or where i am currently. nothing seems to calm me down when the burden of meeting deadlines hovers over my head every hour. i can't seem to fully enjoy my break time. i do not know how to strike a balance. why do i not understand the meaning of "one thing at a time?"

now i feel bad for making all of this sound so awful and sad. i promise i have had my fair share of joyful days here where i couldn't be more grateful to come across people and places i never thought i could have. but today was overwhelming, the same way the past two weeks have been. and i need to let out.

honestly, i want these to-do lists to disappear. i do not want to worry about my cv or what my mentor would comment about it. i don't want to be reminded of what my damn profile would look like. i want to think of something other than my internship approval and what to write, and what not to do. i don't want those trailing emails in my notifications. i wish to skip those 8:30-4:30 lectures. i want to wear those cute blue shorts with that pink tee that i love. i want to wear my favorite shoes and go on an hour-long walk. i wish to watch a movie with a nice meal and then sleep for 10 hours. i can't wait to paint my nails and listen to new music while i do so. i want to read a new book and save a new collection of quotes on pinterest. i long for the courage to write in my journal, and i want to cry so much.

but even when i write all this, i feel like i am not feeling anything. that i am making it all up. all this longing for calm, quiet, and slowness is not even concrete because i cannot make sense of what's happening. but can i blame myself entirely? so much is happening, and i am still not accustomed. i wish i could just drink something that holds the exact emotional comfort i am yearning for so terribly. the tea i prepared didn't do much.

[eldritchsurveys]

1199.

in what form of communication did you last use to talk to the person you're currently interested in? . if you were to leave the house right now, would you change your outfit all? >> I did leave the house for a brief store run a couple of hours ago and I changed from my house pjs into a pair of cutoffs and a Totoro tank top.

when was the last time something really cute happened to you? . why aren't you texting the last person you kissed? .

has anything happened to you within the past month that's made you really happy? >> That mindblowing reconnection with Bruni happened in the past month, so yeah, definitely.

do you want to see someone right now? >> I don't.

did a boy or girl text message you last? . when was the last time something bothered you? >> I haven't been bothered at all today, and I attribute that to not having been on any sort of socmed (aside from a cursory check of facebook, and my fb feed is 98% local businesses so that hardly counts) including Discord all day. I know people talk about the detrimental effects of being Quite So Online all the time but I hadn't realised it for myself until literally today. Most of my triggers are socialisation-based and spending so much time performing personhood for what amounts to strangers and casual acquaintances every single day is probably making me way more insane than I can handle being. This is truly the most relaxed day I've had in a while. Funny how my sense of isolation is actually intensified (maybe even created) by being around ("around") people so often -- the "alone in a crowd" effect but multiplied (there are so many people on the internet). Anyway, the last time something bothered me was... hmm. I don't remember if anything bothered me yesterday, yesterday was actually my first day out of the intense trauma fog I'd been in for the past week and a half. And honestly the limit of my short term memory is like 12 hours lmao, so.

what was the last thing you looked up on youtube? >> I don't remember the last thing I actively searched for. The last thing I watched was a 2 hour Diablo IV critique, lol. It definitely made me feel less crazy about how that game felt to play (bad. it feels bad).

have you held hands with anyone in the past 24 hours? >> I have not. did the last guy/girl you kissed have any piercings? .

what exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated? >> I don't remember the last time I was intoxicated by way of alcohol.

do you actually love your parents? .

have you ever had a school picture turn out absolutely dreadful? >> Several times, yeah. Ninth grade was the worst. But I was also actively being abused in ninth grade, so I cut myself a lot of slack there.

are you more prone to being the social butterfly, or the wallflower? >> Wallflower -- sometimes in a sad way, but sometimes in a "I just like to chill out and watch people be people" way.

would you rather go to a katy perry or taylor swift concert? >> I would rather stay the fuck home, thanks. have you ever thrown up from working out? >> I have not and I can't imagine pushing myself that hard. Like, for what. I'm not interested in that level of exercise at all. what pattern do the sheets on your bed have? >> No pattern.

are your days full and fast-paced? >> Not at all.

what languages can you count to ten or higher in? >> Just English.

where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? >> Some big-box store. are you good with painting nails with your left hand? >> I'm competent at it.

do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? >> I share drinks with Sparrow all the time. We've been living in the same house for 8 years, we definitely have merged immune systems by now.

have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? >> all I can do is laugh at this question tbh

have either of your grandparents ever told you a sexual joke? .

do you spend more time outside or inside? >> Inside. would you rather give up the computer or the tv? >> I rarely use the TV in the first place and the only thing I use it for is, like, playing the PS4. sooo do you own any fake designer purses? >> I don't.

who was the last person you were with that smelled really good? . do you think braces are sexy? >> Not as a rule.

what were you for halloween in first grade? . last person to make you seriously mad? >> Sparrow.

don't you hate when people have cell phones but never answer them? >> This has zero effect on me because I don't call people... who have you recently made up with after fighting? .

what kind of toothpaste do you use? >> Whatever's reasonably priced. I think we're using Crest right now.

last thing you bought at the grocery store? >> We had to get pickles because Sparrow will not make fried chicken sandwiches without pickles, it's a RULE. And then we picked up a couple of tasty treats while we were there. what were you doing this morning at 1am? >> Sleeping. funniest name you have ever heard? .

what could someone do to irritate you? >> So much shit in this world irritates me. You genuinely do not even have to try to irritate me, it will happen whether you intend it to or not, lol. I try not to hold it against people because I know this about me.

have you used a tissue today? >> I have not.

the last person that slept in your bed gets arrested, what do you do? . what color hair does your mom have? .

when people ask "how are you?" do you say "good" even if you aren't? >> I usually just rattle off a quick "fine"/"fine and you" and move on to what I'm actually there to say. I know the question isn't a literal one, it's just one of those social script things.

honestly, did you really love the last person you said i love you to? .

when was the last time you were told you were cute? . how was your friday? >> Friday... oh, hey, that's today (yeah I had to check--). It was great, actually. I've already talked about why in a previous question. But also I played some Grim Dawn which I love, and I finished that A Slow Death book (I'm obsessed with radiation so that counts as a good read to me), and it's nice and warm outside. And I had a fresh homemade fried chicken sammich. 10/10 day, no notes. when is the last time you were in a swimming pool? >> I think that was at Easton Mountain, a whole lifetime ago. did you speak to your father today? .

what was the last thing you drank? >> This probiotic soda that they were giving out for free(??) at Bridge Street Market.

is there anyone you want to come see you? .

how did you wake up this morning? >> I'm pretty sure my upstairs neighbour woke me up, as usual.

[blankingbloom]

5/26/24

Dear Angelica (aka future me),

Hey! How are you? Before I start my thousands of questions, let me first say, congratulations on graduating and finishing your senior year of high school!!! this must be a bittersweet moment for you, as I am experiencing this at the moment as a junior watching the grades above me graduate and do senior activities. Graduating is a once in a lifetime moment, not everybody gets to graduate due to unfortunate circumstances, but congratulations! Thank you so much for staying strong, the k-12 system is literally horrible lol. I just wanted to say, I (17 year old Angelica) will forever be within you. I am you, but I want you to have no regrets or wising to be me because “life was so carefree” 💀💀 naw it’s not I’m suffering rn lmfao I have 3 summer classes, a job to juggle and volunteer opportunities to catch up on and college apps 😿 whomp whomp. I so desperately want to be you right now! It may feel insufferable at the moment and you feel lots of bittersweet feelings and loneliness being unleashed from hell (prison) (kleinisd) (kleinhigh); you should know that there is a whole chapter ahead of you and you’ve achieved a milestone! When something ends, a new opportunity arises. I hope you’ll feel better soon, knowing how I feel now will probably affect you 10x deeper (you’ll understand). Highschool for me was no fun adventure; I was barely sociable, barely any friends (like a few ofc I’m not a loser), I felt like I wasn’t on track to be my genuine real self anytime soon, but you have the opportunity to change that through college. I need you to be stronger for me until we get our masters in compsci 💀. Be an academic weapon once more for us plz!! I know you want that so bad. I know our experience wasn’t the best, especially during covid and certain situations, but there is a whole life ahead of us, that is depending on our actions. I trust us to keep it up! BTW Im missing a ton of the 2023 seniors, I can’t believe that it’s real. It low key hurt seeing everyone I had classes with especially in financial math, english, photography, and a&p graduate. It’s so bittersweet it low key hurt my feelings, especially seeing everyone I grew up with who were a grade above me. I don’t want to forget them at all, I want to remember who they are! I never peaked in high school, but I’m never going to see these people again, unless it’s by a rare chance someday, I doubt they would recognize me. I guess I just grew attached. Anyways, I have some questions LOL.

1. What is our plan after graduating Highschool? What college are we going to?

2. Did we end up submitting any of our SAT/ACT scores?

3. What’s your favorite song currently?

4. Are we still dating Ben?

5. Did we make any new friends?

6. What is your college essay about?

7. What made us stronger?

8. How was senior year? Was it any easier taking AP classes? Do we understand pre-calc?

9. Do we still want to take comp sci?

10. What happened to your H‑E‑B job?

11. Did we get any stoles/cords for graduation or not?

12. What was our final Highschool GPA?

13. What’s our class schedule?

14. What do we look like now? Do I still have short hair? Do I still look gay?

15. Can we crochet with greater experience?

16. What’s your biggest worry?

17. Are you happy?

Thank you for reading this!! Respond to my questions soon. Goodbye! I will always be within you.

Sincerely, Angelica

____________________________________________________________

REPLY:

Hi Baby Angelica!

Since you're from the past, I have so so so much to catch you up on. Time flies by when you're consistently stressed out. But don't worry! I will answer your millions of questions first! Then we can actually discuss :)

1. What is our plan after graduating Highschool? What college are we going to?

A: We are doing Computer Engineering! After hours and hours of research, I wanted you to have opportunities in both the computer science and electrical engineering fields. I want you to have a lot of pathways so you can have tons of money and opportunities! We are going to UT Dallas. We got CAPPED from UT Austin and UW-Seattle was way out of our budget sadly. Maybe someday my love :(

2. Did we end up submitting any of our SAT/ACT scores?

A: Hell no, they were too low LMFAO

3. What’s your favorite song currently?

A: Talk by Beabadoobee, Antihero by Taylor Swift, any MSI song

4. Are we still dating Ben?

A: Yes <3

5. Did we make any new friends?

A: YES! We aren't friends with.. those girl(s) anymore. They were bad for you. WE HAVE MORE GENUINE AND KIND FRIENDS!! There is a whole world out there waiting for you. I love my friends.

6. What is your college essay about?

A: Bugs. In the UT Austin essays, we wrote about photography, allergies, tamagotchis, etc.

7. What made us stronger?

A: Learning to adapt, spreading love, reading people, putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations in order to grow. Being with likeminded people!

8. How was senior year? Was it any easier taking AP classes? Do we understand pre-calc?

A: PRE CAL WAS MY MOST HATED SUBJECT. It is so fricking hard I dont think I ever understood the concepts. The AP Classes had lots of work in it but you managed your time fine and it was never that serious anyways (except AP 2D art) that sucked a lot. Senior year was shit im not even gonna lie. I didn't even attend like 98% of the events LOL. Fuck no I am not going back!

9. Do we still want to take comp sci?'

A: Computer Engineering babe dont sweat it

10. What happened to your H‑E‑B job?

A: OUR LAST DAY WAS TODAYYYYYYYY

11. Did we get any stoles/cords for graduation or not?

A: One stole for NHS, one stole for DUDU CREDIT!

12. What was our final Highschool GPA?

A: 4.6/6.0 LMFAOOO

13. What’s our class schedule?

A: -1st period: Late Arrival (Used to be Photography 4)

A: -2nd: AP Art History

A: -3rd: Photojournalism/Office Aide

A: -4th: AP Psychology/Interpersonal Studies

A: -5th: AP 2D Art

A: -6th: AP Pre-Cal (idk how u survived but girl... never again)

A: -7th: Early Release

14. What do we look like now? Do I still have short hair? Do I still look gay?

A: You got the short hair back and we still look gay asf. We have new pink glasses though and they're see through! We still have bangs. Shit load of stretch marks though smh. Im like 115 pounds now.

15. Can we crochet with greater experience?

A: fuck no

16. What’s your biggest worry?

A: If my roommates will like me, I'll feel lonelier, money, If ill be smart enough for college, if my friends now will still want to hang out with me :(

17. Are you happy?

A: I could be happier but I am okay! Not stressed right now :)

[fitgothgirl]

I’m in so much pain and idk why. 😭 On Wednesday I started getting this bad pain in my right side like it was the muscles within the rear ribs or something. I would’ve thought it was my kidney if I didn’t feel fine otherwise. And yesterday it got a lot worse and spread to the muscles below my shoulder blades. It doesn’t feel like massage would help, it’s just such a deep ache and it’d probably just hurt. I feel sooo stiff/tight. Every position hurts; trying to sit up straight feels like I’m straining too much keeping the muscles engaged, leaning forward or hunching feels like it’s making it worse too, lying down isn’t super comfortable in any position. A heating pad feels nice but doesn’t make it go away. Advil and Aleve haven’t helped.

I don’t know what I did! The only thing I can think of is on 12/30 I did a leg day and I went to a higher weight on squats. I had been at 125lbs for a little bit and had worked up to 3x12, and so on 12/30 I did 3x8 at 135lbs. I don’t remember feeling like I hurt myself at all or anything. And the pain didn’t even start until 4 days after that.

I also can’t sleep tonight, though that feels unrelated lol. I slept for an hour and two I think and haven’t gone back to sleep since. I don’t think the pain is necessarily keeping me up, though it’s surely not helping, but I feel more like I didn’t take my trazodone but I know I did. Like the “well I’m definitely awake” kinda feeling. We had drinks on our anniversary last night though so maybe it’s bc of that?

I remembered I have some left over muscle relaxers from when they got prescribed to me a couple years ago. They’re old but that just means they might not work, so I took one now to see if it’ll help at all. Plus that may help me sleep (it’s just past 6:30am here now)

This wasn’t a great development for our anniversary last night. ☹️

[runningandraisingmyheathens]

This is the race recap I sent to my coach. I’m just going to reuse it, if anyone wants to know how yesterday went.

Still riding high from yesterday, which is helpful since Keith is deploying today. He was in training, but got to come back Friday evening. That was really nice, because he got to be on the course to see me run.

I got a great night’s sleep before the race. Got up, ate toast with honey and a banana. Drank water with NUUN on the way to the start line. It was pretty windy with a light rain when I got there. Pretty chilly, but not bad. I used my inhaler and took my gel 30 minutes before the race was going to start. Then, 7 minutes before the race was supposed to start, they announced that there was a small accident on the course and that they were going to delay the start by 10 minutes. That kinda threw my fueling game off, but it wasn’t serious.

The weather for the whole thing was great. The wind wasn’t noticeable. Cloud coverage the whole time. High 40s to low 50s. Slight rain, but just a spattering.

Started the race slightly behind the 3:35 pacing group. It was pretty bottlenecked getting over the starting line. And really, the first 10 miles or so were pretty narrow. We had one lane of the road, which gets a little crowded with a lot of runners around. I kept the 3:35 group ahead of me, and I was working on catching up to them without pushing my pace too much under 8:00. I finally caught them around mile 9. And the 3:30 pacing group was within sight, so I’m pretty sure the 3:35 pacer was going to quick. I was right at an 8:00 mile, and he’d pass me. I just kept telling myself to run my own race. There were two women who had been running with him. They pulled ahead of him too, and they were ahead of me for awhile, so I used them to help pace myself.

I saw keith at mile 12 as we ran downtown. I was still feeling great. Normally, when I get to 13.1, I hit my wall. Just something about having to run it again. But yesterday, that didn’t happen. I just took it a mile at a time. I didn’t think ahead too much. I was doing good on the back half, working on going faster, and I don’t know what happened. I felt like I was pushing, but my watch wasn’t reflecting that. The two women were still ahead of me, so I felt like my pace hadn’t changed either. Mile 17 was an 8:20 though, and then mile 18 was a 7:52. I don’t know what happened there. I don’t know if the cloud coverage was messing with my watch or what. So, I quit looking at it and worrying about it. I ran past the Kappa Delta sorority, which is my sorority too. It was awesome when I did the KD sign, and they all went crazy and started cheering super loud for me. I think that was my favorite part. And, I passed them twice because they were on the out and back part.

And then miles 19-26…They weren’t bad. I just couldn’t push it any faster. My legs were tired, but not awful. There were a lot of turns and stuff. The wind wasn’t at my back anymore. I don’t know. I also had to use my inhaler. I know the course wasn’t hilly compared to others, but they did take their toll. One of my earpods died at mile 21. The other at mile 24. Being alone with my thoughts for the last two miles was great (she said sarcastically). I honestly don’t get why those things can’t hold a charge for more than 3.5 hours.

I didn’t walk at all though. I did briefly wonder if I should, but I never felt that tired. I just told myself to keep moving, even though my pace was slowing down. I know I didn’t have much left in me, but I kept pushing.

The end was so dang long. It sucked when my watch was hitting 26.2, and I was just passing the 26 mile flag. There were so many turns at the end! Keith said later it was a ridiculous finish with all the little turns. It definitely slowed me down. And this woman was there to run her friend to the finish line, and she had her kids. She left her kids, one was screaming and crying and got in my way. That was annoying.

I was so happy to cross the finish line. I even did a fist pump. I just had a huge smile. I immediately realized where I chafed once I stopped, but glad I didn’t feel it at all while I was running. I just sat there all happy and pumped. I’ve never felt so good after a marathon. Yeah, I was tired and sore, but I didn’t feel like I was going to die. And that’s always a plus.

I like that everything I had one worked the whole time. I was never irritated by anything touching me or flapping around. Everything just worked. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t like things touching me when I run, and a lot of times something will nag at me. But yesterday was perfect. LOL, I guess after running 10 of these things, I’ve finally figured out what works. Honestly, this was my best marathon. It all just came together. And yeah, it wasn’t the time I thought I could get, but I enjoyed it. It just felt good the whole time. Even the tough parts weren’t bad. My mind was in a good place, I wasn’t stressing. The weather was great. I recently started taking anti depressants, and it’s worked wonders on my anxiety. I really think it was part of the reason today was so good. Also-I turn 40 on Saturday. This was the best way to close out my 30s.

As for fueling-I took a cliff gummie block every 2.5 miles for the first half. And I’d take a UCAN gel every 5. By mile 11, I realized that I had forgot to account for the fact I was going faster than I do on long runs, so I backed it down to a UCAN every 6 miles. I had a gummie at mile 24, and I just had to spit it out because at that point, I just couldn’t swallow it without gagging. I brought my camelbak. I had filled it up the night before. Apparently it leaked in the car, because I barely had any water in it during the race. Whoops! Good thing water and Gatorade were on the course every few miles. I also used the run gum at miles 8, 16, and 22. I try to use it when I feel myself getting sluggish and unmotivated. It helped each time to perk me up and get me refocused. I feel like my fueling was on point, for the most part. Did find myself feeling hungry at a few points, but I’d just eat a gummi.

I think I’m just a shorter distance runner when it comes to races. I love doing long distance, I just think 13.1 is where I peak. I love 15Ks and 10 milers. Those are my sweet spots. I’ve loved racing marathons. Yesterday was amazing, and I’m so glad I hit my goal for a BQ time. I just don’t think I have a faster one in me. Maybe it’s cause of that mental wall I get to. I just don’t want to push harder because it hurts and I’m tired, and I know I still have 8 miles left, you know? I’m looking forward to just running them to enjoy them without pressuring myself to hit a Boston time or PR. I’m also wondering if my asthma has something to do with not being able to push harder at the end. I used my inhaler in the back half. And I had to use it twice more yesterday, which isn’t my norm.

My legs are sore today, but they’re not horrible. Wasn’t fun to walk down the stairs though. And I’m super tired. Yesterday, I was wired and didn’t go to bed until midnight. I’m always like that after a marathon. Today, I just plan on eating all the foods and taking it easy. Until Keith leaves. That part will suck.

Fun fact-yesterday was 10 years since I ran my first half and got sucked into long distance running. I even wore the shirt I got from that first race (although not on purpose, just a fun coincidence.).

If you’ve made it this far, I know it’s sorta rambley and long. Just a lot of jumbled thoughts.

[angel-is-not-creative]

SwampCon

I have to admit, I was a little embarrassed walking through all the Honor Society students and the middle school science fair kids in cosplay at 9 in the morning but I persevered.

I did go to high school in cosplay once for spirit day however I was insufferable in high school so I try not to think about it. I've never been to an actual convention before though so this was a first.

I am pretty heavily involved in fandom culture but god I was shocked by the amount of anime I did not know. I also felt incredibly old because where were the Hetalia cosplays?! I didn't see a single one and it just feels like as a community we have forgotten our dark past. Though I did see a homestuck cosplay so I have some hope left.

I attended for the entirety of the day on Saturday, most of my time was spent volunteering but I did manage to spend $80 somehow like I really don't know what came over me.

Volunteering was very nice and laid back and it is something I will likely be doing next year as well. I was a bit upset that I didn't get to check out the maid cade because I was so busy but I know that it will be back next year so it's cool.

I really enjoyed watching the kpop dancing panel, I don't know anything about it but the dancers looked really good and everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun.

To be honest, I don't think I have complimented this many people in my life, there were so many cool cosplays and a lot of them were from some of my favorite shows (lots of sk8 the infinity which I loved, a few soul eater and danganronpa ones as well).

The artist alley is where I lost all of my money. There were so many talented artists with amazing pieces and I'm a huge sucker for supporting small artists. Here is my haul (plus a pair of horns that are not pictured).

For the record I have never even seen My Hero Acadamia I just really love Present Mic and this print was just so cool I couldn't not purchase it. The posters are so amazing and I had to stop myself from buying more things. These were all an investment into my happiness and honestly, cash isn't even real money.

Javi's bad fanfiction reading panel was so funny, I feel a little guilty for contributing in the emotional turmoil of a couple dozen people with my very enthusiastic vote for the most horrendous fanfiction known to man, but also I think those people left just a little more cultured. Fanfiction is a vital part of fan culture and we cannot deny how much of it is just straight-up horrible and frankly disturbing so much of it is (I read over 15 million words of fanfiction last year so I am qualified to speak on this). I did have to leave a little early because at that point I had been at the con for over 12 hours and was starting to fall asleep in my chair.

I met a lot of cool people throughout the day, and it was really nice just knowing that you already have a shared interest. Within the first few hours of being there, someone asked me if I was a "button, keychain, or sticker autistic" and when I told them I was a sticker autistic they handed me a swampcon sticker. It was a really nice moment for me I don't know why.

The other volunteers were also all so kind I didn't really come to the con with anyone but I was always talking to someone throughout the day because everyone was so friendly and open. I even got to talk about Hetalia ships with someone which just made my day. I ran into a lot of you guys there as well which was so fun. If you saw me after like 1 then my wig was off because that thing was way too itchy to wear for a full day, I only made it like 4 hours.

Next year I will not be spending all of my money and I'm gonna drag some of my friends along to make sure I get to do all of the activities like maid cafe and the Miku concert (I did not attend but I helped pass out glowsticks so you may have seen me hehe). This was actually so much fun and I would have attended on Sunday as well if I didn't have so much homework to do.

This was me at the beginning of the day with my volunteer badge :P

[praiseinchains]

Gratitude Journal Entry (8/12/24) - LATE POST!

(I hate doing late posts, but I was SO exhausted from yesterday that I just didn't have the energy to put it up. I went to bed not long after we got home at 7)

Today I'm Grateful For:

*My eye doctor appointment! It has been SO long since I've enjoyed going to the eye doctor. When I was a kid, it used to be I was excited about going for my eye exercises or for the possibility that my doctor would decide I needed glasses (which I finally got at 14). Then it used to be that I was excited about the prospect of an eye doctor finally discovering what was wrong with my vision. Now that I KNOW what's wrong with it, I dread going because I'm always afraid she's going to tell me my vision has gotten worse. The scan itself took like 5 minutes and then we just waited for the eye doctor to come in. When she came in and just started asking how I was doing, if I was pleased at the speed I was getting help, asking me how my last neurologist appointment went/when I was scheduled to see him again, and then telling me she REALLY wanted me to go to Mayo, I was so sad and somewhat scared because I thought my scan must have been REALLY been bad. But she actually hadn't even looked at it, and to my incredible surprise, the scan actually showed slight improvement. It was like 2 points, but it was an IMPROVEMENT, which is basically unheard of for NMO when you're not on treatment. I've been taking flaxseed oil for the past couple months or so (a family emergency with my brother got me out of the habit of doing it religiously) but I attribute the improvement to that, and I'm DEFINITELY going to be taking it twice every day like I'm supposed to from now on :-)

*My eye doctor! She is quite possibly one of the best people I've ever met. Not only does she listen to me and take my concerns seriously (which has been unheard of with my 25 other doctors - not even kidding) but we have a very open relationship. I can tell she cares about me so much. She is like the only doctor I've ever allowed myself to cry in front of. She is so invested not only in my health but in my life as well. We always make it a point to update each other on our lives when we see each other, and we just joke around. She makes the seriousness of the situation easier to take and I just love her so much.

*My mom and I had like an hour to kill before we had to go to my appointment, so after we went to Hobby Lobby (I wanted to get a seasonal candle or something like that because I want it to be part of my nightly therapy time) we decided to drive around town and then she had the idea to go to this coffee shop truck that's associated with the hospital called Brewed Awakening. Almost all of their stuff has espresso in it, but I saw a blueberry pomegranate smoothie and decided to try that and OH.MY.GOSH! It was like the best smoothie I've ever had. I'm not a big fan of fruit (I really only like a few) but this was absolutely amazing, and I just find it so funny that I liked something to do with fruit more than my mom did. She prefers to eat her fruit, but I prefer to have it in a smoothie. Hopefully we can go back soon, and I can ask them what they put in it. I can't decide if it's pomegranate juice with strawberries blended in or if they use orange juice or milk as the main ingredient. Whatever it is, I'm in love!

Something I'm Proud Of:

When I was first diagnosed with NMO, I was completely devastated. I was terrified of sleeping because I was so afraid I'd just wake up blind. But you don't go through 25 doctors over 4 years without having SOME sort of plan always up your sleeve. I'm not one to just sit back and wait for things to happen, so after the first line of treatment only made my symptoms worse (I had constant palpitations over a two-week period that nearly made me pass out) I researched and researched before coming across information regarding flaxseed oil being a great source to counteract inflammation. Within a few weeks I could tell an improvement. I'm just really proud of myself for not sitting by and being proactive in my health and I really feel it's led to this slight improvement, and I can't wait to hopefully see more.

Tomorrow I'm Looking Forward To:

I have to get a disc that has my MRI of my back on it because my eye doctor wants to see if it shows any problems with my diaphragm (which would explain my inability to exercise, my shortness of breath, and even my tachycardia) so I'm going with my parents to the hospital and waiting for the disc to be made while my mom plays her harp there (she goes every other week and plays at the hospital). I'm looking forward to going and just sitting around for 2 hours and reading and doing some puzzles :-)

Daily Affirmation:

I am resilient and find joy in every small victory.

[what-dat-ritalin-do]

#2 (Originally Recorded 9th November, 2023)

Thursday, 9th Nov 2023

2:35 PM

Late start today. I just took my medication. I took it with the following meal:

creamy pesto pasta

pan fried chicken breast

chocolate cake ball

I washed down the meds with cinnamon water (warm water with a cinnamon stick inside). I got a little concerned about my chest pains from yesterday and I remember reading that cinnamon helps with blood pressure. Hopefully, taking cinnamon regularly will help mitigate the discomfort.

Successful self-management doesn't happen overnight. Evidently. despite getting excited about my newfound self-control, the excitement wasn't enough to get me out of bed until around 12:30 PM. I found myself reluctant to take my medication. Maybe because it means the day is starting and I just didn't wat to start it.

It has been around 15 minutes since I took the medication and I'm starting to feel dizzy. And sleepy.

I suppose this is the "Flurry" state I mentioned yesterday.

I planned to share some insights about my family (particularly my older brother, Kari) when I shared my diagnosis and treatment last night at dinner. However, it's getting challenging to hold a pencil. I will continue in my next entry.

11:06 PM

I got heavily side-tracked by about 6 PM and that's why I updated so late.

So I ended up passing out for the majority of the medication's active period. Instead of oscillating between "Flurry" and "Clear" states, I felt an immense, heaviness weighing me down. I was switching between being "stuck in a whirlpool" and just barely floating above the surface. I thought I could take advantage of the "Clear" states and get some reading done, but the most I could do was shakily read aloud one paper's theoretical framework before I collapsed and fell asleep.

When I woke up, I felt hungry. This was strange because I was supposed to have an hour left of the medicine's effect. Rather than just hungry though, I felt like I wanted to bake something. I found a simple recipe and just got up and went downstairs.

I know it sounds perfectly logical and uneventful:

Think of an action -> Execute

But I haven't been able to do this in about two years! I used to bake a lot back in 2020 when I was at my lowest because I needed a tactile hobby and sweets comforted me. After I started to have severe problems in self-management and academics, I couldn't find baking enjoyable anymore and I lost motivation.

For the past two years, I have gotten too caught up in not being able to decide what I want to do and what I should be doing. This time I didn't have a problem at all! It was so easy! I just thought of making cookies and my body followed through! Within half an hour, I had them baking in the oven!

Does that count as an impulsive decision? Maybe. If it does, then it's been bad, I can't even direct my energy enough to be impulsive!

I didn't manage to finish the paper. I did have thoughts buzzing around from it, though. So for the last half hour of the medicine's effects, I was talking about the topic with my sister. It's a topic I'm genuinely interested in so I know I didn't pass out from boredom: The differences in Anglophone and Sinophone audiences in regards to homoerotic incest fiction. It's literally about ugly little weirdos like me who have super niche interests. There's no way I passed out because I was bored.

It got me thinking about BL and its female community and how it might relate to psychodynamics. Words like "fantasy" and "delusion" get thrown around a lot in BL circles but I think there's a genuine reason to believe it would be used as a tool since the BL community itself started out as women bonding over transgressive fiction.

I'm going off tangent.

To sum it up, I think I handled the medication a bit better this time. I was passed out for a good portion of it, sure, but I didn't feel the chest pains when it wore off. I felt fine. Yesterday, I felt like I'd been hung out to dry for a few hours after the active period. Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll adjust better.

[masakiastrology]

zodiac observations part 2: zodiacs in an argument

Here are some observations I've noticed when zodiacs get in an argument. Keep in mind, this is not just based on your sun sign, but other placements as well. Multiple things may resonate with you, and some may not.

Aries: I've noticed that when Aries placements get into an argument, they usually go off to do something. Like, my mom had an Aries moon and whenever she'd get into an argument with me or my dad, she would usually go off to get food or look for something. I guess it's a way to keep their mind from getting too stressed? Same thing for online arguments. I have an Aries friend who when he gets in an argument, he'll be off watching TikTok or YouTube or something else.

Taurus: Taurus really do not care during an argument. If it's an online argument, they will not hesitate to press that block button. If it's a real life argument, they will not hesitate to walk right out the door. They don't have time to deal with people and arguments, they have places to be and things to do.

Gemini: Geminis always end up feeling the most guilty after an argument. They usually end up saying a lot of bad things during the arguments, feeling guilty when it's over, and then is embarrassed to talk to you unless you talk to them first.

Cancer: Cancers end up revealing a lot of personal stuff during an argument. They may be the type of person to say something like "What do you mean I don't know how you're feeling? my parents are going through a divorce!" without telling anyone that beforehand. And they usually end up crying during the argument, especially if someone targets something they love or something they're insecure about.

Leo: Oh boy, I have experience in this category. Leos are surprisingly calm during arguments. Like, they don't raise their voice much. Instead, they usually just act like you're stupid and say things like "okay" and "yeah" just to piss you off further. They won't give you the satisfaction of seeing them angry.

Virgo: Virgos raise their voice a lot during arguments. They will also probably bring up something you have done in the past just to piss you off further. Oh, and then they will proceed to gossip about the argument to all of their friends.

Libra: Libras get really insulting during arguments. Like, they are not afraid to point out your flaws. And then, sometimes, they get their friends involved if they feel like they're losing.

Scorpio: Ah it's me and my sister having our weekly argument. We like to threaten each other a lot during an argument. Like, she'll be like "If you don't shut up, I'm going to tell dad about blah blah blah" and then I reverse it with "If you tell him that, I will stomp on your laptop". And then we both try to get our dad to back us up and hope we're the one he agrees with.

Sagittarius: Sagittarius do try to use logic when arguing. Like, they're the type of person to pull an Elle Woods and be like "you know you did it because you got that perm 12 hours ago and you can't wash your hair within 24 hours of a perm". Unfortunately, when they get really heated, they tend to spiral off topic and start insulting you about things completely unrelated to the argument.

Capricorn: I've noticed Capricorns usually end up arguing in public spaces. However, they do try to reason with you and often say "I get where you're coming from but..."

Aquarius: Aquarius love making their friends watch their arguments. They make you pick a side. They're also the type of people to say "let's square up" or "let's take this outside" to act tough.

Pisces: Pisces love to use manipulation when they get into arguments. They are entirely convinced they're right... and when you talk about something that bothers you, they often say "how do you think I feel?"

[keefwho]

May 04 - 2023

1:56 PM

Today is not very good, I’m not sure what to do with myself. My tummy kinda hurt this morning but I think that is about over. That stopped me from wanting to stream and I still have a hard time stay dedicated to my work if I’m not being watched or otherwise held to it so I didn’t do as much as I should have. I want to take the L today but alternatively I could just do the work later when I’d usually be doing other projects. The reason I made my 6pm cutoff time is so that I know when to stop. If it’s before 6, I still have time to do the commission knowing I’m not overworking. 

I’m trying to apply my recent self awareness skills to this but I feel like my brain just isn’t functioning right today. I’m trying to view myself from an outside perspective to motivate me to do more because today I’ve been pretty lazy.

12:09 AM

Today sucked at first but it got a lot better. I woke up with tummy problems that were bad enough that I didn’t wanna stream. Then I barely got any work done and ended up taking the day off which I can barely afford without messing up my schedule. I was supposed to do some kind of mental health exercises/planning today but I didn’t do that. Maybe tomorrow I’ll plan something for me to focus on until Tuesday. I can sort of count taking time off as mission acomplished because of how I had to convince myself to rest like I did, and was successful at actually taking it easy. 

In the afternoon we had GIGA horny hours. It felt really special because in the past I’ve felt the need to perform and that’s almost always made the event stressful for me. But these days I understand it’s about the intimacy, not the performance. At least with someone I’m very close with. I get how hookup culture really is all about performance and nothing else. 

In the evening is when I took it easy and actually chilled out for awhile. I felt extremely tired and my appetite hadn’t healed yet. I ate a light lunch and relaxed playing Spyro while watching a very captivating Star Wars stream. I got to call my bestie and chill with Spyro and then some Minecraft. 

Tomorrow I have to pick myself back up and make sure I do my work, stream or not. Today I sort of forgot that what I do is in fact a job. I do have the flexibility to take a day off when I need it but doing that today was really a stretch. To recover I have to make sure the next commission is done within the next 3 work days which should be doable. I’ll still barely be caught up after that. 

It’s not a big a deal as I make it though. I’m cushioned a little by the guy that pays double to have his commissions guaranteed every month and by the YCHs I’m doing. I only stress because I don’t like having to rely on those cushions because since they are not actually done, it’s like spending money I don’t have yet. I only want to do that in a real emergency. 

I really gotta start getting to bed on time. I almost made it tonight but I was playing Minecraft. I didn’t want the cozy to end. Ideally I’d stop everything I’m doing at 11:30, do my nightly chores, and my nightly journal entry. I should always be in bed on time if I do that. 

[cornelius-of-lykia]

Events I Attended In Fall 2022

I’ve done a surprising amount during my first semester at the University of Connecticut. I’m being careful to not overburden my schedule with too many events, but at least I’ve struck a temporary balance between work, relaxation, and a social life. I didn’t attend as many talks as I would’ve liked, but I do take pride in attending those I did check out, such as seeing all three general body meetings of the Grad Student Union so far. Here’s a rough summary of what I saw and what I attended during my time at UConn during the Fall of 2022.

1.) The Grad Student Union, General Body Meetings, Sept 21, Oct 19, Nov 16th

Going into these meetings, I was looking to network with fellow graduates as much as I wanted to see what a union meeting looked like. I didn’t have a whole lot of expectations, besides that I was hoping there would be more time for freeform networking and socializing. There was *some* of that before the meeting began, but things were otherwise structured, as each meeting had an agenda and talking points to run through. That said, I met a handful of lovely people at each of these meetings.I even got to meet two CT state senators, Mae Flexer and Greg Haddad, as they came to speak at the Oct. 19th meeting. It was nice to hear how they were at least trying to push for a more progressive state senate, especially as this was right before the most recent elections.

Having attended three of these things, I can attest that it can take some time to get used to the nitty gritty details of the agendas, which concern past and upcoming events along with the minutiae of logistics. The biggest things I walked away with were hearing how international students fared compared to domestic grad students, and seeing how the Union votes on measures, from approving statements to budgetary decisions. As far as I know, there are three other committees that handle specific points. The two I can name off the top of my head are the social justice committee and the organizing committee. For the SJ committee, I attended 3 meetings at the beginning of the term but haven’t had the energy to attend more lately. As for the Organizing committee, there was a schedule conflict this term. I’m interested in attending at least one or two meetings in the future, just cautious about overextending myself.

2.) As Ukraine Goes, So Goes the World - Thoughts on Propaganda, Violence and Democracy, Oct 12

I was very lucky to attend this event, though I’ll be darned if I can remember most of the finer points of the lecture. I barely got in - I emailed the day before, asking if there would be any chance I could get in if there was a cancellation, as you needed to register ahead of time. Thankfully, within an hour or two, someone emailed back saying they received a cancellation and automatically booked me into the schedule. I was ecstatic. 

Having followed the Russian Invasion of Ukraine fairly closely, I was curious to see what would get discussed. I was actually expecting there to be a greater focus on Ukraine itself, but the lecturer, Timothy Snyder, was primarily focused on explaining Russian fascism. In oversimplified terms, he explained it as something that expected everything else to conform to a specific purpose, niche, or expectation, and punished anything that deviated from that norm. Which, admittedly, describes most of society at this point - not good!

I feel bad for not remembering the finer points of what he reviewed, but there are definitely components of both Russian fascism and the current government that warrant heavy scrutiny … which I think he mostly glossed over. One thing he did mention, that I’m grateful for, is explaining how Russia relies heavily on sending people from its ethnic minorities to fight the war, both because they are seen as expendable and because sending waves of Russian men from the developed parts of the country would warrant intense pushback. There’s a lot to unpack there alone; for the purposes of this essay, all I will say is that he did a decent job explaining it to people who were curious about the subject, but it wasn’t anything *new* to anyone who had already been following this conflict.

That said, one thing that was hilarious to me was how I knew *of* the speaker, Timothy Snyder, without realizing who he was until I read an info pamphlet at the event. He’s the author of Bloodlands: Europe Between Hitler and Stalin, which I was vaguely aware about, and which I’ve heard some good and bad things about. I’ll have to read it for myself one day - I actually saw a student with that book in hand hoping to get it autographed. That same student was actually Ukrainian, and she thanked Mr. Snyder for speaking about the War. I even helped another student find Mr. Snyder as he was leaving, so that he could ask another question. All things considered, Mr. Snyder was incredibly polite and willing to talk at length about anything when asked. He’s certainly someone I’ll have to keep an eye on in the future.

3.) The Windham Hospital Workers’ Strike

This was definitely the least conventional of the events I attended, for it was an actual strike by the nurses at Windham hospital. There were two 48-hour strikes, taking place September 23rd to 25th, and then October 24th to 26th. As far as I understand, the strike on September 23rd had the highest turnout during the day, with more modest turnouts each of the other days. I learned about the hospital strike from the Grad Student Union, and attended on the 24th because I wanted to bring the strikers some food - in the form of some nice oreo cookies. As it turns out, the strikers were absolutely replete with snacks, so my humble tribute was only one parcel of an outpouring of resources.

I got to speak with a handful of individuals in attendance - nurses, labor organizers, and sympathetic UConn students. The nurses and organizers inform me that this is a legally protected strike, because they gave appropriate notification and filled out all the proper paperwork, and it fell to Hartford Healthcare to find suitable replacements for the duration of the strikes. They also let me know that Hartford Healthcare is horrible. All this said, once the strike concludes by 7:00am on the last day, they all return to work. I found it a remarkable setup.

The saddest part of it, that most likely has not gone addressed as I write this, is the fact that Hartford Healthcare has been constantly stonewalling the nurses and the union. The fact they had to go on strike a second time in October shows that their demands were not met, and it seems very likely they STILL have not been met. Nursing has been hard as is, and the pandemic has only made it so much worse. As one of the nurses explained to me, they’re being worked to the bone, and that makes everyone’s lives more difficult. If the nurses do not have adequate supplies or decent time off, they invariably give worse treatment, and can’t perform life-saving care to the best of their ability. I feel for the nurses, and I hope a third strike will not be necessary. Overall, at least I learned plenty about what it’s like to actually conduct a strike.

Also, security guards hired by Hartford Healthcare to supervise the strike told me the strike was illegal, and that I was trespassing on private property by taking part and parking my vehicle at the hospital. Which is patently absurd. Thankfully, I parked elsewhere at the hospital, and they didn’t catch me. Was it risky? A little. But screw ‘em, I say.

Conclusion

It’s worth clarifying that none of these events actually tied into my research with games or 3D art, but for the Union meetings and the Nurse’s Strike, they were critical for getting a sense of what goes into union organization, which is critical for me as I prepare to enter the games industry, as rotten a place it is. Overall, I am glad I was able to attend these events, and look forward to attending more during my stay at the University of Connecticut.

[shedaresthedevil]

Polarize

Pairing: Matt Murdock X NB! ReaderOC

18+ MINORS DNI!!!!

Warnings : Sleep Paralysis, minor smut, Matt being horny, afab!reader, ANGST, oral (Female anatomy receiving/ mention), one bad blind joke.

Based on this ask for @matt-erialgirll : "How long did you think you could hide this from me? " & "You're a terrible liar.'

As always, I will be editing even after posting because I am a humane being and I will probably still have missed something. So if you see a mistake; no you didn't.

@matt-erialgirl @freshabogados @loki-silver-tongued-god @e-dubbc11 @lexlovescoffee @pleasedin @candyello @carisi-sonny

If you reblog, like, or comment, PLEASE tell me your favorite line.

..............................................................................................................................

Matt awoke beside you, a strange noise filling the room. It didn't immediately register that it was you, nor that it was coming through closed teeth. You were screaming. Your eyes were wide, set on the furthest corner of the room and your fingers were twitching as you desperately attempted to get your body to move. Matt rolled over, hovering above you, cradling your face in one hand and smoothing his fingers in your hair with the other. 

"Sweetheart look at me. Look at me. It's not real."

This wasn't the first time this had happened.

It had been a late night of research and piecing things together. The pair of you were trying to find something that connected the dots. It was around 12 am when you had decided to head to your room for a few hours of rest. 

"You sure you don't want to sleep for a little bit? I'll wake you up, I promise."  You had said, seeing how weary Matt was as his hands glided over the pages. How weary you both were.

"No, I want to keep working. You go rest for awhile. I'm on the verge of something. I can feel it." He had declined, promising that he would rest when you awakened. 

"That's because it's in braille, good sir. See you in a while." 

You turned toward the hall, walking past the canvases and photos that hung there. Your fingers grazed your favorite portrait of your mother before entering your room. You stripped off your clothes , tossing them across the room to the laundry pile. You searched in your blankets for your sleep shirt and shorts, and slid them on. Matt had asked you why you never made up your bed.  Your answer had been simple :

"Only a fool makes his bed just to ruin it again in sixteen hours."

He had simply shaken his head, mouth tilting into his lopsided smirk.

You could hear Matt still rifling through the piles of documents , searching for one in particular as you climbed into the cold sheets. Snuggling down into the blankets, you drifted off to sleep, the tiredness of the day taking you over 

Only twenty minutes had passed when Matt finally heard your heart rate slow, and your breathing became more shallow. He smiled to himself, relieved that you were getting some rest. He was  concerned that you were pushing yourself too hard, even though he had no room to talk on the subject.  Matthew continued to sift through the mountains of papers of information you had collected. You had been kind enough to run it through the braille embosser, making it accessible to him. Matt was always astonished at how considerate you were, and grateful that you never treated him like he wasn't capable.  You had simply handed him the documents like you would anyone else. 

Matt's eyes felt heavy, drifting closed periodically as he ran his fingers over the pages. Setting his glasses aside, he ran his hand down his face, trying to refocus.He chuckled to himself, finding it rather amusing that his eyes grew tired when he didn't even use them to read. Within the hour, Matt had fallen asleep at the table, breathing softly against the dark cedar. 

Matt was in awe of you, even if he could not see you in the traditional sense. You looked truly ethereal in his mind, and that was all that mattered.You were above him, the sunlight streaming in from the window illuminating your body. Your hands were roaming across his chest, gently gliding over every scar. Your thighs wrapped around his hips were warm and soft against him, feeling almost as if they belonged there. Your hand reached for his face, cradling his jaw. His eyes closed as your  thumb trailed down across his lips, descending down his neck to reunite with the rest of your fingers as your hand came to rest at the base of his throat.

“You are beautiful Matt, for everything that you are.”

He shook his head. He lost his composure, for only a moment, every time you called him beautiful.

“You always catch me off guard when you do that.”

You let out your breathy, genuine laugh that made all the air in his lungs leave.

“When I do what? Tell the truth? When I tell you that you are beautiful and I mean it?”

Matt's hands slid up your thighs and onto your hips, holding you steady as he sat up. You let out a small noise of surprise as the motion shifted the two of you, hands grasping at his shoulders to keep you upright. You were closer now, chest to chest. 

“Don’t do that! I thought I was going to fall off the bed.” you protested, hand sliding up the back of his neck and into his hair. 

“I would never let you fall. ” he whispered, touching his forehead to yours. 

Matt felt your heart rate increase as his lips brushed yours, a ghost of a kiss. He was waiting for you to advance the movement. 

“Matt…” you breathed, your voice gentle, “I’ve fought like hell, and fighting like hell has made me what I am. And what I am… is that what you want?” 

He could hear the doubt in your voice, the fear.

“Say it again.”

Your head tilted, lips touching again as he spoke.

 “Say my name again.”

“Matthew.”

Hearing his name like this, it was enough to make him unhinged.

“You are what I want, sweetheart. I will take all of you, whatever that entails. But only if you want me.”

He had his answer as you closed the distance between you. Your mouth was as soft as he had imagined. As the intensity grew, you did not yield completely to him, seemingly fighting back for control of the kiss. It only made him want you more. His hand came to rest on the back of your neck, fingers reaching into your hair. Matthew pulled gently, and your head followed the motion, exhaling in pleasure. His mouth traveled down your neck, biting lightly and drawing blood beneath the surface of your skin as he breathed you in. A soft moan escaped your mouth in response. Matt wanted nothing more than to hear that sound again and again. 

His opposite hand grasped the back of your thigh, and he overturned you. Your hands reached for him, framing his face as you leaned upwards to kiss him. He felt your hand move down his spine, nails digging into his hip as he ground against you. 

“Can I show you how beautiful you are?” Matt gasped against your lips.

He was practically begging. He wanted to map every inch of your body, wanted to chart every star that made up the constellation of you. You nodded against his cheek as he moved downward again, his mouth and hands touching every curve, every scar that was you. He paused at your stomach, taking extra care to linger longer at the soft flesh that covered the hard muscle beneath it. He knew how much you hated it sometimes, even though you were mostly at peace with your body. Matt hooked his fingers in the waistband of your underwear, looking to you for confirmation. You nodded again, smoothing your hand through his hair. He tried, and failed to not rip them off too fast. The fabric tore and you laughed, shaking your head. Your laughing morphed into a sharp inhale as you felt Matt’s lips graze over your lower abdomen, just above the  apex of your body. You arched upward, shoulder blades leaving the mattress for a moment. 

“Matt, please.” you whimpered, desperate for him to stop teasing you. 

He laughed, smirk already climbing up his face. Matt wrapped one arm around your thigh, resting his hand in the same location where his lips had just been.

“Anything you want, as long as you ask like that.”

Before you could even voice the contemptuous comment he knew was on your tongue, his fingers slid inside you, stealing your breath and your words. Your hands grasped at the silk sheets of his bed as he began to move, and he smirked again.  Matt kissed up the inside of your thigh, slowly moving towards your center. A beautiful symphony of sounds spilled from your lips and Matt reveled in it, the noises you made were burned into his memory now. You cried out as his tongue found your clit, making small,languid circles that he knew would drive you out of your mind. Your hand found his, interlacing your fingers as you writhed beneath him. You got louder as you grew closer to the edge, and Matt chased after it, moving with purpose. Your cries grew strangled, almost as if you were gritting your teeth. You called out his name, but that too sounded hushed. You were screaming now, the noise deafened by the tightness of your mouth. Matt ceased, moving up to find the cause of your distress. You were screaming still. 

Matt awoke, startled and confused by his dream, among other feelings. Why had you started screaming? And why had it sounded like that?

He heard it again, but this was not in his dream. You were screaming, and your heart pounded like it was going to rupture through your chest. Matt leapt up from the table, tearing down the hall to your bedroom. Listening hard, he only heard your heart and your cat’s- you were alone. He felt like he couldn’t get the door open fast enough. Your mouth was closed, and you were crying out through your teeth. Your eyes were full of terror as you stared across the room, focused on the corner opposite of him. Matt moved, kneeling down beside you. 

“What’s going on? Are you hurt?”

Whatever was happening, that this was a monster he couldn't fight. A villain he could not protect you from. He started to panic; he did not know what to do or how to help you.

Your eyes flicked towards him and the screaming stopped, but your whimpering did not. Eventually, your fingers twitched, and soon your hand followed. The weight on your chest lifted; you could breathe again. The thing in the corner disappeared, and you felt relieved.

Matt was taken aback when you shot up, arms reaching for him and holding onto him for dear life. You were gasping like there was no air in the room, tears streaming down your face.

“I’m going to go get you some water, okay?” he said, unsure of what else to do for you.

Matt moved to leave, placing his hands gently on your own to remove them. You only grasped at his shirt tighter.

“No, please don’t leave.” you pleaded, vulnerable.

You released your hold on his shirt, but his hands remained on yours. Asking for help was difficult for you, and Matt knew that. 

“Okay”, he whispered, coming back down to his knees, “I’ll stay until you tell me to go.”

You nodded, shaking. 

“You can come up here if you want. I just don’t want to be alone. ”

Under different circumstances, Matt would have been all too eager at the invitation. He stood, climbing into the other side of your bed, setting his back against the headboard. You curled up beside him, seeking comfort as he wrapped an arm around you. 

“What was that? What was happening?”

You let out a shuddered breath, heart still racing.

“I have something called sleep paralysis. It doesn’t happen all the time, only when I’m extremely stressed and it’s worse when I drink. That’s why I never do when we go out with Karen and Foggy.”

Matt was stunned. He had noticed that you did not partake, but never asked why. 

“How long did you think you could hide this from me?”

You shook your head.

“I wasn’t trying to hide it. It just hasn’t happened in months so I forgot about it to be honest.”

Truth.

“So what exactly happens? Can you explain it to me? I want to understand.”

“When you go to sleep, your body undergoes a form of paralysis to keep you safe. So if you're dreaming that you’re running, you don’t actually start running in your sheets and fall out of bed. When an episode of sleep paralysis happens, your brain is awake but your body isn’t yet, I guess is the best way to describe it.” 

“I see. What does that feel like? It sounds terrifying.”

“It is. I feel like there’s an enormous weight on my chest and I feel like I can't breathe. I can’t move,and my head is racing so fast I can’t even think through it. Sometimes the part of your brain that creates dreams is still active. You can see and hear things that aren’t there.”

Matt swallowed.

“So, is that why you were screaming? What did you see?”

Your head lowered, looking down at the bed. 

“You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to. I just want to be prepared for when and if this happens again.”

You took a deep breath. 

“It’s different every time, but usually it’s some physical manifestation of a mistake I’ve made. Sometimes it’s my mom, but she looks how she did right before she died. She looks gaunt, and too thin, and tired. Sometimes it’s some person I couldn’t stop from doing an evil thing. Sometimes it's… anyway, it’s never good. ”

You didn't dare tell him what you had just seen. It had been a twisted version of Matt himself, beaten, bloodied, and dying. The thought of Matthew dying was so terrifying to you, and your stress filled mind had taken that fear and made it almost real.

Matt nodded, now having some clarity.

“I used to have night terrors as a kid. It was right after I lost my Dad, and I would see some pretty awful things. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I was awake and saw it in the corner of the room. I’m sorry this happened tonight. ”

“Thank you.” you whispered, eyes closing as you felt Matt run his finger in your hair.

He heard your pulse slow down, and your breathing returned to normal after several minutes. You had truly been terrified of whatever you had seen.

“Matt?” you mumbled, half asleep. 

“Hmm?” he answered, nearly asleep himself. 

“Will you… will you stay with me? To sleep, I mean. ”

“I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I would be a horrible person if i didn’t.”

The pair of you had snuggled down, your head resting on Matthew’s chest. His arms were around you, keeping you warm, and making you feel safe. He had stayed with you all night, just to ensure you were alright.

Now it was happening again. 

“I know you’re scared, but it’s not real. You haven’t had one of these in a while. Try to breathe. Focus on moving your fingers, one at a time.”

Matt would walk you through it, step by step. You panicked less, and would hallucinate for a shorter period of time when he did this. You still had a difficult time breathing, and being unable to move was still horrifying, but Matt had you. He was right there, and he wasn’t going anywhere. Your hand eventually twitched, followed by the other. Soon, you could move again, breathe again. You gasped, straining for air like you always did when you had an episode. 

Matt touched his forehead to yours as soon as he realized it was over. 

���There you are. I thought I lost you for a second.” he smiled, kissing you gently.

“Thank you.” you whimpered, tears brimming your eyes.

Matt had done this on multiple occasions, but you were always ashamed and embarrassed every time.  

“I’m right here, sweetheart. I’ve got you.” he soothed, rolling over and pulling you into him. 

“I know, Matty. You can go back to sleep, I’ll be okay if you don’t want to baby me.”

Lie.

Typically , an episode of sleep paralysis was followed by Matt playing with your hair and him placing kisses on your forehead, paired with words of reassurance that nothing was your fault and that he was not upset with you for waking him. 

“You are a terrible liar, you know that?”

He wouldn’t hear of it, of not taking care of you when you needed him. Not when you were there for him every time he had a moment of self loathing, or a lapse in his faith, even if it was not a faith you followed.

He felt you smile against his chest, and set to work on comforting you.

“Yeah, I am.” you agreed, already feeling your heart rate ease.

If you could lay there forever and let Matt touch you like this, you would. But you would settle for however long it took you both to go back to sleep, and that was enough for you.

[lexinympho]

1:12 AM, Kunigami read on his phone screen.

He stared at the roof of his bedroom, wondering why he's moderately awake at 1 in the morning after the strenuous practice match he'd went through earlier (not including the fact that he has to get up for school in 6 hours).

Tap, tap, tap.

Until auditory tapping calls his attention from the window and he realizes what broke his sleep. He practically dragged himself out of the warm cocoon of his bed to open the window, but mustered up more energy as he felt a sense of urgency upon recalling how little he spoken with you within the past 5 or 6 hours.

The sight of your drained expression through the glass pushes any ounce of grogginess out of his body to be replaced with worry. "What are you doing here?" He asked upon opening the window to pull you in from the muggy outside world.

"Sorry it's so late," you gave an apologetic smile as you steady yourself in front of him, not missing the way he concernedly stares you down from how tired you sound. "And sorry for missing your game earlier."

"It was just a practice match," he said to reassure you.

"But I should've at least let you know I couldn't make it."

"I kind of got the gist that you must've gotten tied up with something. You usually would give me a heads up."

You leaned forward and weakly thudded your head against his shoulder before saying, "I had to leave."

"What happened?" He immediately asked as he placed one hand on the back of your head, the other moving to your back to administer rubs of comfort. It's pavlovian for him to inquire about whatever is bothering you, but it feels unnecessary to ask right now when the main (if only) thing that'd ever force you to leave home is-

"Family drama. The usual."

Called it. "Who's the culprit?"

A sigh escaped you before you answered, "My sisters. And kind of my dad. And my mom."

"...So everyone?"

"Some worse than others, but yeah." You lean your weight into him as you drop your bag to the floor, a silent plea for him to move the both of you to his bed before you fall asleep standing. He easily took the hint and maneuvered backwards to flop down with you, sensing your body relaxing the moment you laid down on top of him. Minutes of silence ticked by, sleepiness tugging at his soul as he listens to your breathing go from high strung to stable.

He blinks his eyes back to focus when he feels the rumble of your voice on his collarbone, "I'm so tired of hearing them talk. I know they're just worried but it gets so annoying after the 100th time."

He hesitantly asks as he looks down to the top of your head, not entirely sure if you want to elaborate, "What do they keep talking about this time?"

"...One of my sisters got into trouble," you grip at Kunigami's shirt to keep your frustration at bay, "and you know how my family is whenever she so much as breathes."

He hummed in agreement, all too knowledgeable of how heated things become whenever she does something neither you or your family approve of.

"To make a long story short, she had to get checked out at the hospital, and I was unfortunate enough to get caught up in it all."

"Is she okay?" He doesn't react strongly, knowing you would've long ago told him had it been anything serious.

"Yeah, she's fine enough, just a few bruises." Your tone become solemn when you add on, "I really did want to see you, but they probably would've gotten on me for always running off the moment something happens." You quickly lift your head to say, "But it's not like anything would change if I'm there! Just because she runs off somewhere she shouldn't be doesn't mean my day has to be derailed, especially when it doesn't even involve me!"

"You've got a point." He's hyper aware of your anger and underlying exasperation for this continuous cycle of always bearing witness to your sister's bad decisions, all while being forced to listen to your parents and other sister badmouth her. It's nothing new, this is far from the first time he'd opened his window for you during the early hours. He's used to your occasional venting.

But it doesn't make his sympathy for you dwindle the slightest bit.

"Sorry for springing this on you again." You avert your gaze in guilt, feeling disgusted for basically doing the same thing to him that you'd grown tired of your family doing to you.

"I don't mind," he reassures you before pulling you back down to lay on him, "I'd rather you tell me what's going on anyway. It's better to talk about it instead of staying quiet."

You pout into his neck, "Okay but not when it's nearly 2 am."

"You could come barreling down my door an hour before my alarm and it still wouldn't bother me."

You want to refute his statement, but a large part of you finds it difficult to believe he'd be angry with you over something like that. Especially considering how many missed calls and texts he left you with before you ran here like an escapee.

That's certainly how it felt.

"Do they know where you're at?" Sleep is attempting to take hold of him and it's evident in how slurred his question sounded.

"...I just told them I was staying at a friend's house."

"And they were okay with it? At this time?"

"Well, they're still at the hospital, it wouldn't make a difference if I drive home or go somewhere else." Your voice gets quieter, "I said I needed a breather, and that I'd see them tomorrow."

He said nothing then, choosing to tighten his hold on you and internally thank them for being somewhat understanding enough to let you go. You looked ready to drop to your knees when he saw you, both out of exhaustion and out of the need to cry.

"I'm sleepy," you announce in a small voice.

"Then let's sleep." A beat of silence passes before he says half jokingly, "And don't apologize for coming over. You don't think I want to see you?"

"I know you do. I just don't like coming here like...this."

"Like I said, it's fine."

"I wanna cry."

"Then cry a river for me."

"No," you stubbornly say despite the tightness of your throat.

"The offer's always up." He takes his hands from around your back to grab your face and pepper your cheeks until the gloominess has mostly subsided. Satisfied with the lovesick gaze you send him, he flashes an award winning smile and says for the second time, "We need to sleep already."

You droop a little when remembering the time, but agree with him when a yawn starts knocking at your lungs, "Yeah, we should sleep. I'm gonna need it for tomorrow when they start talking my ears off again."

Kunigami takes just a second or two to throw his cover over you as he says, "Maybe it won't be so bad."

The yawn breaks in when you speak, "I wish."

The young man closes his eyes and thinks to himself, I wish, too. He wants to tell you that even if tomorrow does end up no different from today, he'd still be there for you the moment you need to lean on him. He'd even come running for you if you needed him to.

He doubts he has to tell you all of that though, since you sought him out.

©lexinympho 2022, please do not edit or repost my works anywhere on this platform or another