#I do believe all of these people are profoundly miserable

[cactus-chowder]

Dune: Messiah

[butchbenrey]

"the science team is all one big happy family post-canon" is cute and all but it's overrated. let's talk about gordie's crushing fear of being alone from her ptsd in the aftermath of all of it.

everything in her fucking life got morphed and changed into something she can no longer recognize, so she feels like she needs to cling on to the science team for some sense of normalcy, some sense of familiarity. who could she even begin to relate to but them? who else went through anything similar to what she did? who else could she talk to about all of it without sounding insane? they provide some feeling of being heard but of course, they could never understand exactly what she went through. nobody else got their arm cut off, in fact, two of them were the ones who did that to her in the first place. she thinks it helps to be around them, she thinks it's some weird kind of exposure therapy and that the discomfort she feels around them will go away if she just keeps ignoring it, but it doesn't.

she wants it to go away, not just so that she'll have friends she can talk to, and a feeling of having conquered it together and making it out the other side (like she assumes these sorts of things are supposed to go), but also because she's wracked with guilt. she feels so deeply and unalterably guilty for all of it— she was the one who caused the resonance cascade, after all, and she was the de-facto leader of the group, so she feels responsible for all of it. she can recognize that she was treated unfairly at certain points (like, y'know, the whole forced amputation thing), but in retrospect she feels like she had it coming, like it was her responsibility to foresee those events and stop them before they happened. sure, nearly all of them attacked her at some point, but they were all under stress too, it was understandable. if you really think about it, bubby and benrey were right to cut off her arm, i mean, they were scared! <- (gordie inner monologue). so if she left them after all of it, that would make her a horrible, awful, cruel person, in her own eyes. so she has to go to all the stupid little outings and parties, she has to excuse herself to have meltdowns... she has to look in the eyes of the people who hurt her so profoundly and she has to sit through the flashbacks and the emotional turmoil because if she doesn't, she'd be worse than them, in her trauma-addled brain.

it feels like atonement, to her. necessary atonement for the shit she thinks was entirely her own fault. and if she ever feels the nagging desire to cut them off, a voice reminds her that she'll forever be known as some cruel son of a bitch who almost ended the world and then abandoned the people who carried her through it. and then she'll be alone. because who would want to be friends with someone so spiteful and miserable.

in my heart of hearts i do believe one day she comes to her senses and realizes she does not have to be friends with that random old man and the guy who tried to kill her and that she will become more outwardly friendly and positive with hard work and therapy. but please imagine the absolute state of this poor girl in the meantime with me

[lakesbian]

For the ask game: 1 + 12 + 25 for the dearest Bri-Bri Lablorbo

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

i've definitely talked at length about how i like him because of how fuckign funny he is. large swathes of my top all time wormposts according to note count are just. me fervently trying to express how funny brian laborn is to the audience. and he really is doing incredibly hilarious shit all the time. his fucking apartment. the "good girl" moment. every time he says something misogynist. his 40yo 17yo mannerisms. i love him for all that. however it would be such a disservice to him to like him for being funny only. he also has just straight up hands down my favorite trigger event/power irony. i can tell because every time i have to explain how triggers/powers work to people i take it as an excuse to talk about brian laborn even though he's objectively a bad pick for it bc of his real trigger event not even being mentioned in the book. his psychological complexes are Agonizing and So Fun To Watch. he is my special dear boy. if i think too hard about him i explode. his miserable fucking sibling relationship with aisha. you guys don't know how often i rotate him in my mind.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

the n0brainsjustvibes post about pouring cereal with grape nuts out and thinking "this is getting ridiculous this is an exorbitant amount of nuts" about it for a second before realizing that was an extremely brian laborn thing to say is something hes actually fucking done but without the moment of self-awareness afterwards, i think. also the one rlly good art of the undersiders kitchen that has protein whey up on the fridge has inspired me to wholeheartedly believe that 1. he is always fucking making protein shakes in the undersiders kitchen and the first time he did it alec wandered into the kitchen like a depressed lost dying dog in hopes that a milkshake or tasty smoothie he could mooch some of was being procured and was so profoundly disappointed that it was just gym nut shit and 2. brian is always putting shit on top of high shelves/surfaces no one else can reach, sometimes on accident sometimes on purpose

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

i knew about his Deal from the beginning bc i read the wiki so i could understand what the fuck ollie was liveblogging about so he has been my friend since day 0 before i even started reading

[beevean]

That was one of my criticisms for Castlevania Season 2, when I watched it back in 2018: so much screen time spent on Dracula moping and waiting for release from his pain. I think such a miserable position for the FINAL BOSS should've been preserved for an endgame reveal, instead of explicitly displayed for hours of animation frames. But, if you could adjust his arc, where would you do it?

Alright, so.

My unshakeable idea is that the CoD prequels tell a perfectly coherent story, and a good writer could have easily intertwined the hero side of Trevor and the gang approaching Dracula's castle and bonding in the meantime (bonding, not Alucard participating in the Cunt Olympics), with the villain side showcasing Dracula destroying villages and losing himself in his fury and Hector being so disgusted by the senseless violence that he leaves, creating a chain of events where Isaac has to follow him to kill him/retreive him, therefore leaving Dracula unprotected against the legendary Belmont, his son, and a terrifying witch. (in this version there's not even Death, so Dracula really was left without his best people)

What kills N!Dracula in S2 is that he has zero drive. The villain plot hinges exactly on this point. He's patiently waiting for everyone to die, but he's not supervising the war that he has started, leaving room for discord, discontent, doubts, and giving this random regional ruler the chance to swoop in and seize control by simply telling Hector "hey cutie follow me 😘".

The idea that the other vampires disagree with Dracula makes sense. He is leading them to a slow, painful death by starving. I do think Dracula should have grown more paranoid and eager to mantain control, though: N!Dracula strikes me as being disrespected and not even worthy of respect. Again, I remind you of the fact that Carmilla made fun of him and Lisa in front of everyone, and Dracula let her go without so much as a slap on the wrist. No fucking way this should fly. This is not a villain I can take seriously. I want this bastard back:

"this bitch believes he can have an opinion. yeet"

Like. Have him being a menace to everyone in the court. A hated menace, maybe, but for fuck's sake give him back some charisma! None of that "my fwiends don't wike me anymowe. awe you stiww my fwiend, Isaac-kun? 🥺"

I hate the inclusion of Carmilla, and while I can think about how to fix her by making her less of a walking stereotype, her role in the story is to make Dracula and his lackeys look profoundly stupid: Hector for easily going along with her plans (her protests sound plausible at first, but then she talks about unseating Dracula out in the open??? and then Hector, the supposed General, has the balls to be all surprisedpikachu.jpg when he has to betray Dracula????), and Dracula and Isaac for giving in to her whims simply to shut her up, while fully knowing that she doesn't have good intentions. She's not necessary to this portion of the story. Hector in the show already starts out as not liking the slaughter of innocents despite him being okay with culling, and in this version he was outright lied to by Dracula. He should have, by all means, realized by himself that he was deceived, that no one in that joint takes him seriously, and defected out of personal hurt, before learning something about human empathy. Having an underling witness the full extent of Dracula's cruelty and stubborness makes him look better than whatever this is:

And yes. Witness. Show. I swear this show hates to show things. Dracula only effectively destroys a village on screen in the very first episode. That was cool! Why can't we have cool things here??

I don't care that Carmilla's removal would radically change Hector's plotline in S3 and 4. Considering what happens to him, it's for the best. Because Carmilla is completely irrelevant for anyone else: her plans barely have the chance to step out of her castle before getting squashed, and the Trephacard gang never learns about her. Yeah I know Isaac has his Belmont moment when he kills her, but you know. His desire for revenge should be about Hector anyway :) They are supposed to have a whole story together, not him being the Jesus of the situation while Hector is some rapist's chew toy :) but hey, for that, my friend @chumpovodir already thought on how to fix that mess.

Anyway. Dracula in S2 should have at the very least engaged in more on-screen atrocities. His random flashback where he kills the merchants in an oddly sexual way doesn't count, because that was a way to say "oh look at him, he was so Evil before Lisa healed him with the Power of Love 🥺". No, I mean that in the present. Dracula is a petty, vile man who overreacts to genuine grief by spreading around his misery. He needs to be insane, but proactive.

Oh, and he should have turned into a monster >:\

I apologize if this answer doesn't fully satisfy you lmao. I tend to go into tangents lol, this show activates my braincells like little else

[jessicalprice]

the adventures of kid jesus, holy terror

(reposted from Twitter)

So I tend to think that the reason the four gospels that made it into the Christian Bible did so was because they were the ones that conflicted least with most of the major schools of early Christianity. Like, they don't preclude gnosticism, they don't really put Jesus in a particular political movement, etc. They're open to mystical interpretation, but they're among the least mystical of the candidates, etc.

They also involve relatively little Asshole Jesus.

But allow me to introduce you to the Infancy Gospel of Thomas.

No, not the Gospel of Thomas, the most famous of the noncanonical gospels.

The Infancy Gospel of Thomas.

The Infancy Gospel of Thomas was written before 185 CE, when Irenaeus was ranting about it, and after 80 CE, since it borrows from Luke and that's probably when Luke was written point being: as these things go, it's pretty old--this isn't medieval fanfic or whatevs. It was also very, very popular.

So.

The first thing baby Jesus does is make some clay sparrows on Shabbat which freaks everyone out in the way that only Jews written by Christians freak out, because he's 5 years old and 5-year-olds playing with mud on Shabbat is not, like, a big deal.

So anyway, Kid Jesus is there with another kid, who takes a stick and stirs a mud pool Kid Jesus made.

so Kid Jesus turns him into a mummy

The now-mummy kid's parents are understandably upset that their toddler got mummified for stirring some water with a stick and they go to complain to Joseph that his little holy terror of a son is desiccating people.

meanwhile, Kid Jesus is running around town

Another kid is running around town and bumps Kid Jesus's shoulder.

so Kid Jesus kills him

Joseph now has TWO sets of angry parents being like "my dude, your son is killing little kids which is profoundly Not Cool" so he goes to have a talk with Kid Jesus about how we don't just straight-up murder toddlers who bump into us.

Joseph sits Kid Jesus down and is like "look, son, we're being persecuted (translation: asked to stop) now because you're murdering children so maybe stop it?" and Kid Jesus says "aw, Dad, I know you don't mean it" and...

...Kid Jesus strikes the parents complaining that he's murdered their kids blind

Joseph twists his ear and Kid Jesus tells him to quit it and leave him alone to do his murdering in peace.

There's this teacher named Zacchaeus who for some reason is IMPRESSED by all this and is like, "your kid is so wise, my dude, let me teach him" and apparently he was okay at teaching the alphabet:

And he told him all the letters from Alpha even to Omega clearly.

Kid Jesus, on the other hand, is the worst student ever and is all:

thou hypocrite, first, if thou knowest it, teach the Alpha, and then will we believe thee concerning the Beta.

It's unclear whether he actually understands the definition of the term "hypocrite."

Zacchaeus, who's clearly a hardcore masochist, is all like:

Woe is me, wretch that I am, I am confounded: I have brought shame to myself by drawing to me this young child

And he's like "this 5-year-old who yelled at me about the order of the letters is CLEARLY an angel or a god."

No, I mean literally:

he is somewhat great, whether god or angel or what I should call him, I know not.

And Kid Jesus is like yup, I'm here to make you all miserable.

No, I mean literally:

I am come from above that I may curse them, and call them to the things that are above, even as he commanded which hath sent me for your sakes.

But Kid Jesus goes ahead and heals everyone he cursed, and after that, everyone's afraid to contradict him, because they are *literally terrified he will maim them.*

No, I mean literally:

And no man after that durst provoke him, lest he should curse him, and he should be maimed.

Then Kid Jesus and some other kids (I'm hesitant to characterize them as his friends) are playing in the upper story of a house and a kid falls out a window and dies so the dead kid's parents are like, "clearly this kid that's already straight-up murdered 2 other kids did it."

So Kid Jesus raises the other kid from the dead not because, you know, he's a little kid who fell out a window and died and that's tragic, or because his parents are grieving or whatever.

no, he raises him from the dead so the dead kid can back him up that he didn't murder him

Then Kid Jesus turns six and for a little while it seems like he's going to be less of a serial killer. He carries some water to his mom after the pitcher breaks, and uses his superpowers to help his dad with carpentry.

But then his dad decides that he's six so it's really time he learned his ABCs and now that he's a little older maybe he won't be so much of an asshole to his teachers so he gets a new teacher, and this one isn't as submissive as the last one.

Kid Jesus is an asshole to this teacher too, but this one smacks him upside the head for mouthing off.

so Kid Jesus kills him (or maybe just puts him in a coma)

Joseph is like maybe we just homeschool him.

But there's a teacher who's like PUT ME IN, COACH. And Joseph is like look my dude my murder-child has a 100% teacher-killing rate, are you sure? And the teacher's like I CAN DO IT.

Oh wait, Teacher #1 lived because he groveled, I forgot. Anyway, Teacher #3 also grovels, which pleases Kid Jesus so much that he heals/resurrects Teacher #2.

So then Kid Jesus's brother James gets bitten by a snake and Jesus heals him which is nice I guess but James best thank him thoroughly or he might get murdered like every other kid in the village.

And then a baby gets sick and dies and Kid Jesus resurrects him and the villagers are like: "Of a truth this young child is either a god or an angel of God; for every word of his is a perfect work."

because they have the world's shortest memories

So a guy dies and Kid Jesus resurrects him and they're all:

This young child is from heaven: for he hath saved many souls from death, and hath power to save them all his life long.

which IGNORES THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE HE RESURRECTED WERE DEAD IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE HE KILLED THEM

And then there's a paragraph about him teaching in the Temple when he was 12 that's very similar to the one in Luke and that's a wrap.

Behold: the Infancy Gospel of Thomas

and this shit was apparently VERY POPULAR

So yeah, one of the more popular early Christian bestsellers was, just to sum up: Jesus murders a bunch of people, maims anyone who objects, brings them back to life, and everyone who witnesses it thinks that everything he does is perfect after he terrifies them into submission.

[moodr1ng]

lengthy discussion of ed treatment/management under the cut but nothing triggering or specific

i think its funny that im like.. (i believe) very good at giving advice regarding eating disorders to other people.. like, i will often give detailed, multi-paragraph, nuanced advice and information on dealing with eds and give people lists of ways they can reach for help, advice on managing disordered eating behaviors as best as possible, reassurance that yes, what theyre describing is a real ed, yes they deserve help, no they dont need to get any sicker to get help, ill frequently ask people who are down on themselves or ashamed bc of eating disorders to let me have faith in them on their behalf/let them know that im proud of them even if they arent/reassure them that they are never alone with this even in the worst part of an ed when it feels like youre the only person this fucked up on the planet/celebrate their wins and improvements if they have no one to be proud of them/etc. and none of this im saying to congratulate myself like.. i am somewhat educated on this topic, i like being able to use that to help out people, im not doing anything extraordinary or praiseworthy, i just have a certain level of skill/knowledge in handling eds and so i feel its sort of a responsibility i want to take on to put that to use.

but the point is.. i can do all this for other people but when it comes to myself? i dont follow any of my advice. my relationship to food is terrible and so is that to my body. i know all this stuff, i have all these nice things to say to other people - and i can't apply any of it to myself.

and though i always encourage people to reach out to medical professionals, to nutritionists, to therapists specializing in ed, to hotlines, to ed clinics.. i have been let down by every single one of those. my nutritionist told me my eating problems are a psychiatric issue and therefore she simply couldnt help me in any way. my psychiatrist listened to me describe my ed and had no advice bc he doesnt specialize in this and cant help me. the ed clinic in my city wouldnt offer me treatment bc they only take extremely underweight patients. a nutrition/ed support clinic a friend recommended wont take me either bc im not overweight enough. i contacted an ed hotline, set up a phone appointment with the hotline worker, and got ghosted. every avenue of help i have found has said "i cant help you" or "i wont help you". and yet here i am, still telling people to seek professional support and hoping they have better luck than me..

idk. sometimes i just feel phony, yknow? like, here i am giving people all this reassuring, in-depth, affirming advice that sounds like.. wise or like i know my shit right, and then you go look at my post history on the same account and theres my post about my relapse and how profoundly i hate myself and am disgusted with myself. it makes me feel like.. me still being in the deep of the ed devalues my advice. you peek under the curtain, and the guy who talks like he has it all figured out and can help you is just as lost, scared, ashamed and miserable as you.

not sure what im trying to say. just. think about this regularly ig. i wonder how i wouldve fared in a world where i didnt get rejected from returning to the psychology course, in a world where i become someones therapist - would i have too felt like an absolute phony, a poser, if i had become a therapist while being this mentally unwell? idk. maybe. it doesnt matter now, anyway.

[angelo-the-doctor-of-feelings]

Hiii Angel ^_^🌟🧡

It's moonie >.<🌙🤍

first of all hope you're doing well and you're happy:>

Ummm... How should I force and convince myself that I shouldn't get distracted by every living and non-living thing ????? """))))

It's like I'm super focused on something out of the blue and I'm working on that thing for over 7 hours and then boom 💥 my super focused is gone. And I'm betrayed by my own stupid brain AND you wanna know the funny part? Is there a funny part?...NO absolutely not. It's more like... Painful.

Any.way

Then I can't focus on a single thing and there are so many voices that they are talking to me but they are Actually talking with themselves but I'm commenting on their random rambling... And I'm stuck but at the same time I'm wandering through the subjects they are talking about while I'm also reading an article... And then I realise I am even mumbling the sentences but I'm not the one understanding it.... It's a bit .... Complicated?... And also I can't find the first subject that distracted me from the actual subject...and sometimes the actual subject is totally vanished and disappeared from my mind but I do remember the common points that connected those topics in my mind .... Ummm.... And also.... I'm like.... listening to a person talking to me and when I break the eye contact with them or I take my eyes off from what they are doing and what they are trying to explain to me .... Basically They lost me at the first couple of sentences.... yeah I'm zoned out. AGAIN*

And when I'm back to the real world I feel like that unfortunate and miserable kid who turned his head away from the board for one hundredth of a second in math class.... Confused/Trying to find an explanation for everything that happened in those five seconds(it was clearly more than 5s....) that i was zoned out/ and disappointed of myself because it happend AGAIN and And I can't do anything to help myself........

The worst thing is I was always like this.even when I was a kid (-_-;) And the times when I get stressed more than normal, all this gets worse and it's unbearable....I didn't know exactly what ADHD was until eight months ago, and now I understand that all the problems I have and they really bother me sometimes... are not normal things and don't happen to all people... And I thought that all people would have these confusions... Um..... do you have any advice Angel ")??.... It would be profoundly life changing for me and I would be deeply grateful 🥲🤍🧡🌙🌟🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

Hiiiiiiiiiii, Moonie! 🌙

First: THAT IS A VERY LONG INBOX MESSAGE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE ALL THAT. 🧡

Second: Sounds EXTREMELY EXHAUSTING but also VERY FAMILIAR to me.

💯 ADHD.

How can I answer all of that in a way that is NOT confusing??

I simply have to try.

First a summary of what you expressed & what I gathered from it:

You get distracted easily & you seem to have trouble focusing if you need to

You are able to hyperfocus on things you enjoy for a long period of time but you also loose the ability to do so (afterwards?)

You have a very busy mind, a constant chatter in your brain that is very distracting & hinders you from doing anything

You zone out in conversations (because of boredom, your constant stream of multiple thought-trains, distracting things in your surroundings?)

You happen to feel a lot of guilt around your expressed problems & I can read that you are sad (struggling with your mental health perhaps?)

As an ADHDler I can tell you: You are no burden. You are not stupid. You are not worthless. You are not bad. You are not lazy.

I know it seems that way sometimes & people are not very... understanding when it comes to ADHD. They always say we're lazy or not trying hard enough . Which is not true & I do not want you to believe that.

I am absolutely sure you're trying your best, Moonie.

*gets my googles out*

As Dr. Feelings I can give you the following advice:

If you have access to a medical professional, consider getting medication - it can truly help with focus, but it is not a must & don't feel forced. Some people are happy with medication, some are not. There are always some side effects. But that is also a topic for your health professional.

Work with your strengths. You have a lot of strengths as an ADHDler. Search of them & try to use them to your benefit. You know yourself best. For example, I have found my ways of staying on track with chores. It's not always working which is fine. It's normal to struggle.

Fidgets. They are life-saving for me.

Research. Connect with other ADHDlers, get to know what Neurodiversity is about. (You reached out to me, so yay, congrats!)

*takes googles off*

You are right. Most people do not suffer to the extend we do. They might say 'oh, I experience * ADHD symptom* too', but the intensity & frequency is completely different. They do NOT know what it's like.

I don't want you to feel 'abnormal'. You are normal. You are okay. You are neurodivergent. You are amazing & you have your own kind of normal which is definitely normal among neurodivergent people.

Imagine your mind as a computer.

Neurotypical people run with Windows while we run with IOS. Which is cool when we have our own tech (our own strategies) in our own IT-zone (in a neurodivergent friendly setting), but when we are forced to run our IOS computer (aka brain) in a setting made for Windows...

It is NOT really manageable without problems, is it?

You can try to emulate (mask your struggles, try to blend in) but at what cost (mental health struggles etcetera)?

Just some little food for thought!

🧡☀️🧡☀️🧡☀️

Also: No neurotype is better than the other! This is also true for the given example with IOS & Windows. I chose these programs because they're easy to understand.

[applesandbannas747]

Got the prompts 🎨 👀 ✅ 🤲 from @seijis-epee!

🎨 How do you feel about fan art of your stories?

I mean is there any way to feel about it otHER than feral and overwhelmed?? People caring about/connecting with my stuff enough to create art is such a profoundly amazing thing that is always a bright point in my life. Like if you looked at a timeline of my life, each piece of art is a bright star on it <3

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

hmmm there's a couple but I'll choose one that's actually coming up soon instead of years down the road XD Got a Halloween fic finally capitalizing on ghost romance (i LOVE ghost romance jsdhfa its such a dumb trope and so impractical, but something about it always haw me going owo). The starting point of the concept and the original title of the document it's kept in is 'spiritbox sexting' so be ready for that (and it is a partner project with the incredible @thestarminstrel just so you know to be excited uwu)

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

We all know me tbh kisses against the wall and thigh kisses sure are in most my heavier kissing fics XD

Seiji being a monsterfucker hilariously snuck into so many projects that eventually i had to take a step back and realize that I really do just believe in my heart of hearts that he's a monster fucker XD

And the specific trope of Jesse pouring drinks on boys when they've offended him has just snuck in so many places because it fits too well lmfaoo

there's lots of shit also that intentionally gets carried over between fics

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

Remember my "Stuck With You" soulmate au series? I promise I do:

Seiji’s hand jerked away from the drawer as he jumped, not registering what had startled him until he was slipping on some piece of miscellanea Nicholas had managed to drop on his side of the room, staring at the flung-open door to his room as he began to fall backward.

Right into the wide-open eyes of his awful roommate.

Seiji could see in Nicholas’s eyes what he intended to do even before he lunged. 

“No!” Seiji shouted. He’d rather fall. He’d rather fall than have Nicholas all over him. 

But Nicholas was too fast. Seiji was already captured before he’d finished his cry. 

“Are you okay?” Nicholas asked. 

“Get off me!” 

Seiji shoved at Nicholas, but the arm around his back held tight no matter how hard Seiji pushed against his chest. At least the hand half cupping his ass, half gripping his thigh let go. 

“Sorry—,”

“What makes you think you have the right to touch me?”

“You were falling!”

“And I’d have rather fallen. Let go!”

“I—fuck, Seiji, I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t? Just take your grubby hands off me!”

Seiji gave up on pushing at Nicholas. He tried to pull away instead. Only, he couldn’t. His palms, splayed flat against Nicholas’s chest, wouldn’t move, and Nicholas’s arm around his waist and hand gripping his side were similarly unbreakable in their hold. 

“No,” Seiji said, struggling harder. “No, I’m not doing this—especially not like this!” he finished shrilly, panicking at all the skin pressed up against his, warm and soft. 

It was no use. 

Miserably, Seiji gave up the futile war against their joined bodies and hid from the entire situation the only way he could. By shoving his face into the crook of Nicholas’s neck. 

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” he asked in quiet horror, fully putting together for the first time why exactly there was so much of Nicholas’s skin against his own.  

“Why are you in your underwear?” Nicholas shot back. 

[sliphole]

Thinking about Flowers again (the Channel 4 TV series) and really want to talk about Shun.

Warning for spoilers, mental illness, suicide. Full text under the cut since I kind of ended up writing an essay.

Note: though I've seen the show through a few times it has been a while since I've watched it and I don't have immediate access to it anymore since Netflix apparently took it down. I can't be bothered to go through the pains I did to watch it back when it first aired so I'm working mostly on memory. It helps that Shun forever haunts my brain and I've been thinking about him on and off again since 2016, but forgive me if I get anything wrong.

I've never seen another show deal with the many ways depression can manifest and affect anyone like Flowers has. With Maurice and especially Amy you understand there is most likely a genetic component to their mental illnesses and it's devastating because they don't have any answers as to why they're like this and don't know how to make it better. But Shun. My poor misunderstood Shun. I wonder how many people who watched the show even realized that he unfortunately did die by suicide at the end of the series, and I only ask because I've hardly seen anyone mention it, or really talk about his struggle much at all.

By contrast Shun's depression seems to have less of a genetic component and the circumstances of his life instead are what led him to his fate. He's seen by the cast of characters and the audience as a care-free, quirky, lovable weirdo who always looks on the bright side and can't feel put down by anyone's words. And this is all probably a genuine aspect of his personality when he's in a good place, but for the span of the series it's all an act! While the Flowers themselves become very open about their struggles with mental illness, Shun becomes more closed off in a sense by pretending everything is okay as he continues to deteriorate. He's the kind to mask his pain with comedy, or an overly cheerful demeanor, thus he gets overlooked by the Flowers and the audience. Which was probably the intent, anyway.

So he laughs, and jokes, and says odd little things, and enthusiastically supports and believes in everyone around him. Then he has brief moments of sobering emotional vulnerability, empathy and understanding for Maurice's suicidal ideation ("I like dark," being one of the most emotionally revealing and impactful scenes in the series, serving as a prequel to the events of the show while also being the final scene to play after Shun's implied death, if I remember correctly), isolated mental breakdowns (in which he hallucinates his dead family), bouts of heavy binge drinking, and in what is probably the most shocking moment if you've yet to realize he isn't just a ball of sunshine despite everything, goes on a drunken and really hateful, racist rant about Chinese people in the most self-destructive environment he possibly could; a Chinese restaurant (because in my opinion if you want to get badly hurt without doing it yourself that's a pretty good way go about it). Shun as a character is not silly and childish (and his character is definitely infantilized) but a deeply troubled and flawed person who is trying to hold it together for the sake of everyone around him. Unfortunately, he is so often on the verge of cracking that he can't help slipping up occasionally.

Shun has suffered the greatest loss of anyone in the series. He found his entire family after they had been killed in an earthquake which also destroyed the rest of his village. He became displaced and lived in miserable poverty until he discovered and connected profoundly enough with Maurice's work that he believes it is what saved his life. He wants desperately to find family again with the Flowers, but despite everyone's best efforts he remains walled off by the seemingly insurmountable sense of isolation and otherness that comes with being a foreigner. When he hallucinates his dead family in the woods, he tells them, "They just don't like me here." At the same time you can tell he's torn between the family he misses and loves and the Flowers, as the manifestation of his father especially is very harsh towards him, and as a unit they are dismissive of his anxieties and broadly judgemental of westerners in general. Through the entire interaction he remains physically distant from all of them; it's not the warm, ideal reunion he was hoping for. To me the scene also implies Shun may carry some sense of guilt for being unhappy with his family life before it was taken from him, and all of this together just aggravates the sense that he has no one to turn to and nowhere to go.

Later on when he revisits the same spot in the woods with Donald, to show him his "special place," I believe it was in part so they would know where to find him if he ever did complete a suicide attempt. At the end of the series, we see him sneak away with the gun that was confiscated from Amy and in the last shot of him in the present he's standing forlorn and contemplative in his same special place.

If anything, the show is very good at letting us know in the end that no one is truly to blame for suicide, not the individual who dies by it and not the people around them who couldn't prevent it. But it's especially devastating when you don't see it coming, or when it happens to the ones who seem like they were doing okay, or doing better, or whose personalities were so happy and fun and...untouchable, in a sense. It also demonstrates (especially with Amy's manic highs and final, intense breakdowns) that things can go from fine to crushing and traumatic very abruptly from an outside perspective. I maintain that the show gives us the most relatable, realistic depiction of living with depression and suicidal ideation I've ever found despite its surrealism, and Shun's troubles are subtle enough to have been placed on the back burner in much the same way many people really have experienced. Flowers tells us to pay just as much attention to the Shuns in our lives, and in my mind this show will always be just as much about him as it is about Maurice.

[frozen-fountain]

okay i’m bored so game time. make an assumption about me in my inbox and i’ll tell you if you’re right or not

You are a person who is at times overtaken by a sense of profound and deep awareness and appreciation for "insignificant" moments. The way sunlight falls onto a shelf, condensation on glass. That sort of thing.

The other side - and upside - of being profoundly miserable for a long time is heightened appreciation for all the things that seem insignificant through their smallness or their commonplace familiarity. At least it has been for me after making it to a place where misery is no longer the default. I don't believe you can place life experiences on a set of scales to judge whether a hard time was "worth it" or not, but I do know that if I hadn't had to weather some of them, I might never have had the one morning where I woke up listening to the wind in the tree in my yard and got to watch my cat repeatedly pounce on the shadows it made.

I really dig that people who don't know me well yet can sense this!

[starleska]

aaaa I kinda wanna make a DHMIS side blog and write some fic but seeing so many ppl start getting harassment out of nowhere is so discouraging 😂 wishing you all the best, I love your warren stuff (and sorry about those mean anons!!)

oh, sweetheart. i'm so, so sorry that you feel this way. this is dreadful. Don't Hug Me I'm Scared fandom, look at this ask. over the past week myself and many other fans of the shorts and show have been receiving vile messages. death threats, wishes that our favourite characters should die in horrible ways, and personal attacks. the level of harassment the fandom has reached is unconscionable. if you're one of those individuals who thinks it's a great time to spew filth into people's inboxes, or to scream at artists/writers/theorists through tags because you really don't like a fictional character, or even enjoy watching the fireworks like people's emotions are some kind of sport? re-evaluate your life for a moment. right here, you have an individual who is too scared to engage with their interest because of this harassment. now, i'm thankful i'm in a good place mentally and am able to laugh this stuff off. i've liked weird characters and been bashed for it before, and it will happen again. but these people are forming an unsafe, toxic environment. it's not 'lmao this freak likes the worm i'm gonna send death threats 😂'. it's them taking time out of their day to make others miserable because they can't handle other people liking something they don't. i find it unbelievably ironic that it's posting about Warren, of all characters, that is drawing such ire. joking about how he's ugly and a terrible person is one thing, that's all in good fun - he's both! but did the actual message of that episode go entirely over their heads, or is their media comprehension so dim they believe it to be a one-to-one depiction of reality? for anyone who has been made to feel unsafe in this manner - whether in this fandom or another, for liking an unpopular character or for just trying to enjoy themselves - you don't need to give these people your energy. go ahead and make that sideblog. post those headcanons. make your art and write about your ships and create your AMVs. and do everything you need to do to keep yourself and your mental health safe. it's okay to turn off anon, it's okay to delete replies, and it's okay to block liberally when assholes come into your space looking to ruin your day because their own lives are so vapid and hollow. anon, thank you so much for your kind words and for being so sweet to me - i'm really glad you like my silly Warren content! i think you should make that sideblog and have a blast with it. for every awful ask i've received, there's been a hundred other messages, reblogs, tags and more gushing and theorising and just having a great time. the fandom as a whole isn't bad - it's just a couple of people who have nothing better to do and want to project their insecurities outwards. don't worry about them. they're leading profoundly sad lives. take care of yourself, and i hope, with time, these people grow up a little and learn to enjoy themselves. 💖

[lindsaywesker]

Good morning! I hope you slept well and feel rested? Currently sitting at my desk, in my study, attired only in my blue towelling robe, enjoying my first cuppa of the day. Happy Hump Day!

Today, I am 63 and two weeks! Nope, I don’t feel any different. In fact, not only is my body feeling healthy but my brain feels super-sharp. People describe ‘long covid’ as being a ‘brain fog’. I feel the opposite. In the immortal words of Johnny Nash, I can see clearly now. Pretty much everything is coming into focus.

Hope you enjoyed Too Much Information Tuesday. I have always been a trivia buff, although my trivia is not trivial (I’ll have you know!) I love facts. And figures! (You know I love figures!) In a world full of liars, I love truth and real, bona fide facts. In fact, newspapers are comics these days. Have you ever read so much nonsense in your whole life? And we pay the salaries of these liars!

Tik Tok and Instagram both have reels. These things are seriously distracting me! A trip to the toilet now takes 15 minutes (or until I lose all feeling in my legs!) I click on Tik Tok or Instagram and I snack on these delicious tiny morsels of entertainment. Swipe, swipe, bloody swipe! Before I know it, my family have lost me and sent out a search party. However, these bloody reels do serve a good purpose; they introduce me to new music (or rather music I’ve never heard before!) At this precise moment, my head is full of this track from 2013 called ‘Big’ by Full Gospel Baptist Church Fellowship International Ministry Of Worship featuring Fred Graves and Vaughan Phoenix. (Yes, really!) Why does an atheist love gospel so much? I don’t even believe in God but I’ve spent the last week singing this damn song (over and over again!)

It all started with Tramaine Hawkins, Fred Hammond and Vanessa Bell Armstrong, then I graduated to The Clark Sisters, The Winans and Take 6. Why does gospel move this non-believer so profoundly? I guess it’s because I love people that are full of passion. Cold fish depress me.

When I was a kid, some kid punched me in the eye, for no reason at all (or so I thought!) My father found the kid’s address and immediately went to his house. His father answered the door. My father asked the son, “Why did you punch my son?” This miserable, snarly swine said, “He’s just so happy!” 50 years later, nothing has changed. People still despise me because I’m so happy. The thing is: you will never steal or suppress my joy. I’m alive and I’m breathing, so I’m happy. The Trouble is a beautiful person. She truly believes there is good in everyone. I do not share this view. Within some people, there is no good.

Like every day, today will be a good day. ‘Nature Boy’ could have been written for me. I love the light, I love the dark, I love warm weather, I love cold weather, I love every aspect of every season. I love to leave the house so I can return to the house. I am happy to be going somewhere and equally happy to be going nowhere. I have so much to be thankful for, how can I not be happy?

Have a wonderful and well-endowed Wednesday. I love you all. Yes, a crazy, bald man loves and cares about you.

[a-boca-do-inferno]

cowboy blues (rick grimes x reader)

summary: Rick comes to your rescue while you’re both separated from the group.

warnings: angst-ish, blood, slight swearing, fluff

words: 0.9k

notes: angst warning is up to interpretation here ig. also this has nothing to do with cowboy blues by kesha but you should listen to it its great and reminds me of rick. i literally just had a dream about him and i felt the need to write this btw so bear with me lol. set in s5.

“(y/n)! You’re okay?!” 

Your vision was blurry, but you could spot the worry in Rick’s blue eyes. His movements were swift, though, as he pulled you up and carried you bridal-style to some cabin that was fortunately close enough. The world around you spun only a little, nothing you couldn’t manage, really; what could maybe be a problem was the big, dark stain of blood on your clothes, more precisely right under your ribs.  

Were you bitten? It wasn’t quite clear. The way things happened left a bit of a question mark in your head, to be honest, since it was all so fast. There was Rick, and there was his brown shirt moving around indicating that he was moving around, rather frenetically, while two walkers fell to the floor with a single thud, one on top of the other. Birds flew out of the trees nearby when Rick fired the shots and he quickly ran to where you sat with your back against an abandoned car on the road, bleeding and shaking profoundly. Blurry vision and all that. You were hurt, you knew that much, yet the severity and the very nature of your injury were still a mystery to you. 

So you asked, raspy voice, “Rick, what happened?” 

And he tilts his head in response, frowning without looking at you, “just a little bruise, that’s all.” 

But you knew, in your heart, that that wasn’t all. It was harder and harder to keep breathing and you just wanted to go to sleep. The metallic smell of blood served almost as a sedative, in a way, causing your eyes to fall shut more and more with every passing second. This “little bruise” was something else, something Rick wasn’t ready to accept himself just yet, perhaps.  

Speaking of which, his deep drawl made you snap out of your semiconscious state, “(y/n), wake up. I need you to stay awake for me.” 

“Mm”, it’s all you can utter, making a face when something stung in your injury. “Fuck.” 

“Shh, you’re okay”, he coos, as he often does in an effort to comfort you. His hands carefully lifted your shirt, revealing the gruesome cut just above where your appendix should be. You tried to take a closer look at it, but hissed when that seemed to upset your wound even more. “Easy...”, Rick murmurs, studying the vivid redness around the laceration. “Told you it was just a little bruise”, his tone is somewhat jokey, and it’s obvious he’s just trying to distract you from the pain. 

“I feel like I’m gonna die”, you blurt out miserably, not caring if you sounded too dramatic at this point. The thing hurt like a bitch.

Rick’s face is serious when he gives you a disapproving look. “Don’t say that”, he then goes back to cleaning the blood off you as carefully as he can, still with a stern expression. 

You sighed, touching his shoulder in a silent apology. You both had lost so many people already, it wasn’t really sensitive to make such comments anymore. “Is it too bad?”, you change the subject, hoping to make him forget your stupid words. “Will we have to spend the night here?” 

“It’s best if we stay for the night, but only for precaution. The cut itself isn’t that serious.” You don’t know if he is lying for the sake of not freaking you out or if it’s the truth, but you choose to believe it anyway. You close your eyes for a second, relief consuming your whole body. “You’re gonna live”, he concludes, washing the bruise now with some water. 

“What about the rest of the group?” 

“They’re gonna find us. If they don’t, we just keep moving to where we were going before. We’ll meet them eventually”, Rick spoke softly and his rough, southern voice felt like a lullaby to your ears. You couldn’t help but reach over to his arm, causing him to look up at you instantly. He tilted his head again, this time to signal a question, “what is it?” 

“You saved me”, you sounded too heartfelt for your own liking, but you could probably blame it on your pathetic state of potentially deadly blood loss in the future. “Thank you”, you breathed out at last, with watery eyes.  

Your red fingers clutched his biceps like a child’s, unconsciously looking for some support. The look in Rick’s eyes made your insides feel funny, sparkling blue lighting up his face. A faint smile danced under his full beard and he nodded once, clearly bashful and touched by your words, and this reaction caught you off guard. You got to know Rick Grimes only as he was now, such a strong and good leader to your group, and that made you sometimes forget the ever-present sweetness in his personality.   

“You’re okay”, he repeats, this time coming closer so he can kiss your forehead. You don’t resist the urge and before he can distance himself, your free hand holds him by the collar of his shirt, pulling him into a messy, deep kiss. The feeling of his rough beard against your cheek is reassuring, like a thick mantle protecting you from the cold. Something vibrates inside your mouth and it’s his voice, a light chuckle accompanying it, “you’re okay?”, he says, now with his brows knit in comic confusion mixed with surprise.  

“With you I’m more than okay, Rick”, you murmur, feeling slightly dizzier. Sparkling blue eyes smile at you as your body finally gives in to sleep. 

[radiantmists]

like. gideon's not perfect and im sure she did her share of making the people around her miserable but im thinking about how at her core she really does want to be wanted by someone, to be useful to someone, and from her perspective harrow has pretty profoundly rejected that, and then she ends up stuck with ianthe and john, who both thrive on devotion, on worship, on using other people, and especially in John's case on seeming benevolent while doing it.

and gideon went into it angry with and mistrustful of them, but she went into canaan angry with and mistrustful of harrow, and we all saw how that worked out. (Harrow deserved the loyalty more than they would have, to be fair, but it still says something about gideon that she gave it.)

it's this dark mirror to nona, who ended up with the three people most able and willing to be good to her; gideon spent that same period with people who we know would have abused her shamelessly, and while she didnt have the vulnerability of complete amnesia, both of them being ungodly talented necromancers and her being a revenant i think they probably exercised quite a bit of power over her. We know ianthe could 'shut her off', and that john made all sorts of modifications.

and... I think, to some extent, it worked. It's hard to comment on her friendship with ianthe, gideon probably had some leverage there bc i imagine john still favored her over ianthe, but even if she doesnt fully believe that she can be john's cavalier, she makes that comment about not knowing what he'll do without them.

she's bought into this idea that he might need her, might want her, because she so desperately wants someone to want her. but she also says, I'll fight the body and kill it, or it'll kill me, what does it matter. opening the tomb might mean john actually wants her as his cavalier, or that he'll get alecto back like he maybe actually wants, or that harrow will be saved, or that alecto will kill john as wake wanted, and whichever way it goes gideon will have fulfilled one of her purposes, have been what someone needed or wanted and not the eternal disappointment crux deplores her as, and i think she was chasing that fulfillment as much as anything else.

[abigail-pent]

TLT Theory Redux: Secret Doors and Heists

gather round the fire, children, for I have finished my third reread and I have theories to spin. they are interconnected. they will also take the form of "a listicle, kind of". This is not as tightly written/cited as I hoped it would be, many thanks to tumblr for eating the first version of this post.

THEORY #1: HARROW WAS RIGHT

About what? Probably lots of things, but specifically about the secret door. You remember Harrow's "secret door theory," right? On GTN p. 303, Harrow and Palamedes are having an argument about what is going on in Canaan House. Harrow makes fun of Palamedes' idea that there is such a thing as a Lyctoral megatheorem. Pal lightly mocks Harrow's "secret door" theory, about which she says:

"But all this is more than unsustainable, Sextus. The things they've shown us would be powerful -- would bespeak impossible depth of necromantic ability -- if they were replicable. These experiments all demand a continuous flow of thanergy. They've hidden that source somewhere in the facility, and that's the true prize."

The action picks up pretty quickly after this, and you just sort of forget about Harrow's theory since Pal's theory is so quickly proven correct. It's set up to make you think these theories are competing, but they're not. Harrow and Pal are both right.

Proposition 1: An entrance to the River -- or perhaps the part of the River on the other side of the stoma -- is hidden under Canaan House.

Evidence for Proposition 1:

1A) On GTN p. 191, Teacher says, about Silas siphoning Colum in the facility: "He cannot empty anybody here, lest they become a nest for something else!" This is highly reminiscent of HTN p. 98, when Mercy says: " A Lyctor's body, empty, with its battery intact but nobody in the driver's seat? Do you know what could take up residence? Anything could get inside you -- any horrible or evil or lonely thing, any miserable revenant, or worse." These two places are described very similarly; they may well be the same.

1B) I'm missing the citation, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's textual that the first time the Lyctors + John ran from RBs, they ran by dropping into the River. Quite possibly from Canaan House itself.

1C) Teacher. We know he hates the water (GTN p. 325), we know he was created for the "sole purpose of safeguarding the place" (GTN p. 373). Of course, the whole place is surrounded by saltwater.

1D) When Ianthe and Cytherea are fighting and Canaan House is disintegrating, "brackish water from the fountain spattered across the floor and trickled into the cracks" (GTN p. 418). It's been well established already that 'brackish' is the word used to refer to River water. It's also the word used to describe the water that emits from Colum's mini stomae when he dies (GTN p. 393). Why is the fountain water brackish when other water in Canaan House -- for example, the pool -- is saltwater? Seems like a clue!

Proposition 2: Whatever is behind the secret door is the source of John's power.

Evidence for Proposition 2:

2A) During the big confrontation with John in HTN (p. 478-479), Augustine's suspicions echo Harrow's from GTN p. 303, when she's describing the secret door theory. He says:

"You've offered us explanations for everything over the years. But -- some of them didn't hold up on examination . . . It was the power I could never get my head around, you know? I follow power back to its source, John. It's the skill you asked me to perfect. And the longer I looked at yours, the less things added up."

Leaving aside for now the fascinating question of why John would ask Augustine to cultivate this skill, he goes on to ask:

"You're God, John. But -- as the Edenites are fond of pointing out -- you were once a man. So whither that transition? Where does your power come from? Even if the Resurrection had been the greatest thanergy bloom ever triggered, it would drain away over time. And then Mercy said to me -- in a moment of true Mercy vileness -- she said, What is God afraid of?"

Proposition 2.1: The source of John's power is not exactly Alecto, but is Alecto-adjacent. Alecto is from the space behind the secret door.

2.1A) Alecto is called a saltwater creature (HTN p. 328).

2.1B) The oldest parts of Canaan House are where the power emanates from (citation needed, but I’m sure it’s there). They are also the parts closest to the sea. As Teacher says (HTN p. 110): "The base of Canaan House dates back to before the Resurrection. We first built upward, to get away from the sea; then we built outward, to strive toward beauty."

2.1C) The Sleeper is identified with Alecto. Like Alecto, she carries a weapon, she sleeps in a coffin, she can’t be killed, and the River bubble crew is warned that the worst and most cataclysmic thing in the world would occur if she were ever to wake up (HTN p. 112, 185). Since the Sleeper is so clearly identified with Alecto, and is also identified as the presence that’s haunting the River bubble version of Canaan House, it suggests the connection between Alecto herself and the physical version of Canaan House.

Proposition 3: John has dammed the River underneath Canaan House by trapping the Earth Resurrection Beast there.

3A) Per HTN p. 43, we know there's one missing RB, since 9-5=4>3.

3B) Abigail thinks something is messed up in the River and it's dammed, and spirits cannot get across. On HTN p. 396-397, she says:

“A spirit can be trapped, trapped as every spirit in the River is trapped . . . I think there is a whole school of necromancy we cannot begin to touch until we acknowledge its existence – I think these centuries of pooh-poohing the idea that there is space beyond the River has stifled entire avenues of spirit magic, and I believe the Fifth House is waning entirely due to us reaching a stultified, complacent stage in our approach . . . Something has gone terribly wrong in the River, Harrow, and I wish you’d find out what.”

She’s describing a dam in the River that traps ghosts there. This is extremely consistent with what Teacher tells Harrow about what’s down in the facility (see 3E).

3C) On GTN p. 213, Cytherea suggests that "something has been lurking [in the Canaan House facility] forever", and when Harrow insists that "[A spirit] cannot sustain itself", Cytherea replies: "But what if one could?" We know that Resurrection Beasts are revenants, and a revenant is a type of spirit; and if any spirit was going to be self-sustaining, it would be an RB.

3D) HTN p. 172: "The card up the sleeve of the revenant, and the Resurrection Beast, is that it can inhabit anything it's got a connection to. Anything thanergetically connected with their death." So what killed Earth? Climate change, plus a massive nuclear fission chain reaction. Historically, early nuclear fission chain reaction tests took place underneath the ground (see, for example, the facility at the University of Chicago). So an underground or underwater facility could very well be thanergetically connected to the death of Earth.

An RB may very well be a continuous source of thanergy; and if this is the case, John may want to kill or neutralize the other RBs to keep other people from rivaling his power. Or better yet: harness the other RBs the same way Earth's RB was harnessed.

3E) On GTN p. 152, Teacher literally tells Harrow that the ten billion are haunting the facility. Harrow says she is “repeating exactly – to the word—what Teacher said to [her]”:

“Down there resides the sum of all necromantic transgression. The unperceivable howl of ten thousand million unfed ghosts who will hear each echoed footstep as defilement. They would not even be satisfied if they tore you apart. The space beyond that door is profoundly haunted in ways I cannot say, and by means you won’t understand; and you may die by violence, or you may simply lose your soul.”

For those of you following along at home: ten thousand million = 10,000 x 1,000,000 = 10,000,000,000 = 10 billion, or the exact number of people who died in the Resurrection. This is of course completely consistent with the Earth RB being down there, somewhere in or under the facility, because the revenant of a planet includes the spirits of every living thing on it when it was murdered.

Proposition 3.1: Alecto is one of the physical anchors for the Earth RB.

3.1A) HTN p. 454: “The only sure way to banish a revenant is to destroy the physical anchor it inhabits before it can escape the shell.” If John’s cavalier is the physical anchor for the Earth Resurrection Beast, which is the source of his power, then this would justify the characterization of Alecto as the “death of the Lord”: if she’s a physical anchor and she is destroyed, then so is the source of John’s power.

3.1B) She was the first Resurrection, and it’s plausible that she would be thanergetically connected to the death of Earth.

3.1C) HTN p. 495: Pyrrha notes that the stoma “must think [John] is a Resurrection Beast.” Which is a super interesting mistake for the stoma to make! But if John’s cavalier is a physical anchor for a RB, this mistake becomes more understandable.

Proposition 4: The other side of the stoma is not a trash space, and John actually can access it. He uses it as a battery for his necromancy. It’s a storage space for RBs, and now I guess for Lyctors too. (this is the most galaxy brain proposition, and evidence is slim)

4A) On HTN p. 340, John says: “It is a portal to the place I cannot touch -- somewhere I don't fully comprehend, where my power and my authority are utterly meaningless.” But this is the kind of shit John lies about on the reg, so take what he says and apply opposite day rules.

4B) if the other side of the stoma is related to the River Beyond, it would be to John’s advantage to keep the Fifth House scholarship from treating the River Beyond seriously (see 3B). If they don’t take it seriously as a branch of scholarship, they can’t learn anything about it, and they can’t let the RBs out from where John is keeping them.

4C) this could be why John condemns soul siphoning (GTN p. 340). If soul siphoning sends the cavalier’s soul to the other side of the stoma, and the power that floods into the empty body is from the other side of the stoma, then soul siphoning threatens John’s monopoly on use of power.

This brings me to Theory #2, born out of a delightful discussion with @mayasaura: the heist in ATN is not going to open the Tomb at all. Instead, it’s going to open the part of the River underneath Canaan House, and the goal is to free the Earth RB. After all, the Tomb has been open for seven years already.

Extant questions:

1) Mercy seemed so sure that the RBs were coming back and targeting Alecto in particular. But Alecto stayed in the Nine Houses, and didn’t get eaten by any RBs, and the Ninth House is still there. So why does Mercy think Alecto is a target, or makes the rest of them into targets? If she was lied to, what is the purpose of this lie? 

2) Why does John want Augustine to hone the skill of following power back to its source?

3) If RBs eat Lyctors and both RBs and Lyctors are in the hammer space on the other side of the stoma, then, like… hey Augustine and Ulysses… are you guys ok??

[romanceboys]

(interview) w korea september issue 2020 — reptile

1. i was surprised to learn that this is your 13th year since debut. within a company, the years almost reflect the experience of a vice department head. that’s right. though there are things i’m seeing for the first time at this point, i think there’s a lot that has remained the same. shall i tell you something funny? early in the year, i transformed into my debut appearance from when i was 16 with a bowl haircut and had my picture taken. i put it up on instagram and as i watched my fans briefly mistake it for an old picture, i thought to myself ‘well at least my face hasn’t aged much yet.’ haha. 2. today, i get to meet one of the personalities i’ve been very curious about personally. how should i put it, you seem like a person who possesses a perfect narrative. oh my, thank you. 3. maturing steadily after debuting with shinee in middle school, you broke away from your image as the group’s youngest and instead donned the clothes of a solo musician. all 5 of your solo albums have been recorded as hits. now you are a member of superm that has gone global. even a narrative within a coming-of-age novel could not be as sturdy as this.  when i look back on my life, i find it quite fascinating. i entered the company at the age of 13, and this year i turned 28. i’ve lived half of my life as a singer, i realise this when i think ‘i’ve run along the same path for a long time’. i think... i’ve been very greedy. it was through this greed that i was able to debut in a team called shinee, and consequently receive solo plans. once, producer lee sooman told me to bring him a recording of any pop song. wondering ‘what’s going on?’ i prepared for it and submitted, and soon after my solo album was released. thinking back, it must’ve been a test. i felt a sense of accomplishment in these things. that too very deeply, of course luck was on my side too. 4. a methodical company like sm couldn’t have proposed a solo career so lightly. there were a couple of tell-tale signs as far as i could tell. my singing parts were little during debut. after all taemin had the image of the one in charge of dancing. then my parts started to increase gradually, this could’ve been one of the signs. back in the day i used to stay back in the practice room till dawn. the employees working late would see me and the word probably went around. they must have felt sorry for me. a skinny boy practising by himself till dawn (laughs). 5. were you the type to stay back later than the rest in the practice room? i would go to the practice room as soon as we wrapped up our schedule. i’d practice till sunrise then return to the dorm and prepare for the next schedule immediately, i spent a long time doing this. 6. it was at the time of ‘sherlock’ in 2012 that your stage presence started to shine in shinee’s stages. thereafter, it seemed that you enjoyed your time on stage thoroughly. when did you begin to realise that only you were in command of your own stage? there were a couple of times... sherlock was one of them. sherlock was an album that came out when i was 20, right after becoming an adult, it was then my attitude towards performance changed. in those days i challenged myself to ‘not to do what was expected/fixed.’ usually our gestures at certain sections of the song are fixed beforehand, from sherlock onwards however i tried my hand at different things without reserve. it was my way of approaching the audience with sincerity, and my way of improving in the future. back then i would notice variations (in my performance) everyday when i monitored myself. 7. frankly, isn’t it difficult for someone to have made such a prominent leap? i think it might have been because of the long hiatus before sherlock. i was able to prepare well so my growth was likely more obvious when i stood on stage after a long time. how should i put it, my members were very stimulating for me. since the hyungs aren’t ordinary people (laughs). this is something i’m confident about, even if you say that most of the shinee members are main vocalists, none of us is inferior to the other, everyone is so talented. with these thoughts verbatim ‘i must survive in here,’ ‘i need to finish what i started,’ i practiced. i couldn’t not have made the leap with such stimulation and not to mention my greedy nature (laughs). spending time together with the members made me realise that we started to resemble each other in some aspects, thanks to them i was able to broaden my perspective and become aware of my undiscovered talents. 8. the prologue single ‘2 kids’ of your third album ‘never gonna dance again’ released in august. as i was listening to the song, i suddenly became curious about the lyricist and looked them up. my impression was that the language of the lyrics was raw and honest. the lyricist turned out to be you. my intention was to include everyday, colloquial speech. i’ve written poetic and abstract lyrics before, but while working on ‘2 kids’ i wanted the listeners to easily grasp the emotions at once. since i’ve released many songs like ‘danger’ with vivid concepts and sensual performances, i expected there to be some distance between me and the public. i found that i shouldn’t stray too far. in any case, i’m a pop singer. i thought to myself let’s meet the public halfway, and the result was the lyrics for ‘2 kids.’ it’s the brightest of all my title tracks (laughs). 9. i find two interesting points here. first, you are completely aware of your identity as a pop singer, second, to do that you work hard to keep close to the public. of course there are times when it doesn’t work out (laughs). for instance, when we’re deciding on the title track for a shinee album, my opinions always diverge from the members’. after listening to our fourth album title track ‘view,’ i said ‘no way, it can never be this!’ (laughs). what i’m after is, how shall i put it... there is a side to me that wants to experience things profoundly. for example, if i were to express love, instead of depicting it one-dimensionally, i’d prefer to do it maniacally. i like taking it one step further to appear twisted.  10. that’s amusing. it’s probably because i’ve seen your easy-going appearance on tv a lot, i would have never guessed for you to approach things ‘deeply’. profound people tend to be like that. ‘multi’ people are able to do several things at once, i can’t do that. i have to dig into things deeply at a time. that’s why when my members and i receive the same schedule notice, i’m the only one who always forgets it (laughs). 11. oho, this makes me curious about your taste in pop culture.  i really like the british drama <black mirror>. i get hooked on the unusual. like mind-boggling things? i used to watch movies that weren’t popular because such movies are less likely to repeat contents that have already been consumed. but then i slowly began to enjoy light films as well. these days i leave a movie running in the background while i do other things. back when i would look for an independent film or thriller of my liking, i’d get extremely exhausted after watching it. they require so much focus that they sap my energy. 12. we were talking about lyrics but somehow ended up here (laughs). if you were given the opportunity to write lyrics again, what kind of story do you want the lyrics to convey? i like philosophical lyrics. for instance, a song called ‘soldier’ from my solo album deals with religious content, it varies from time to time of course but well if i were to write again... i think about this a lot these days. i want to change myself, i want to shake off my image uptil now and be reborn again. 13. why is that? i want a colour that is more concentrated and unique. as if i'm debuting again, i want to show something completely new that i had not before. 14. but aren’t your comebacks always novel? a musician like you who does diverse and experimental concepts is rare. is that so? sure the concepts are always new but... these days i think about how i want to change myself as a person from the very inside. instead of putting a facade on display, i have a thirst for wanting to show a more humane, genuine appearance. all humans experience moments of weakness and dysfunction. i think these moments definitely hold some beauty in them. the moment a person breaks down. it’s the only way one can get up and overcome difficulties again, i believe showing these sides of me, all of me, unabashedly is a path i need to walk as an artist now. 15. honestly, i’m excited for your third album because i heard this album reflects your ideas the most. what aspects of the production were different this time? firstly, i personally cast and liaised with the music video director. i thought it was important to work with the director one-on-one by keeping mediators to a minimum. through several meetings we mulled over every single thing like concept, outfit, hair and makeup. i offered my opinions too: ‘because i’m thinking of leaving a connecting link in the prologue, since there are two albums that would release following ‘2 kids,’ i want to drop certain keywords in the music video.’ fans usually call this a ‘bait’ (laughs). 16. the choreography stood out the most in the ‘2 kids’ music video. you weren’t simply moving to the rhythm, rather weren’t you moving your body guided by emotions? actually there were barely any plans to include dancing scenes. but i thought you never know so i quickly prepared a choreography the day before i left for paris. initially, i had a ‘dramatised’ (borrowing elements from drama) choreography in mind, but the director was expecting something modern. in the end, we expressed it well with a choreography that the director and i came up with after finding the perfect common ground. 17. personally i think a dramatised choreography would have been quite alright because ‘2 kids’ is a universal love song. i told the director i wanted to look miserable and pathetic through and through, like falling into a bottomless pit, wrecked, to be found waking up in the middle of the street, that would do too. why did i want to be that wrecked? i don’t know. there’s just a lot that exists within me. and i might have wanted to express that.... 18. with your first solo mini album <ace> you proved your grit as a solo musician to the public, and i believe your second album <move> reified your colour. i think taemin is a musician who doesn’t need to prove himself anymore. having reached this status, you’re releasing your next album <never gonna dance again>. did you ever think that this album could be it? rather, i hope that this album can be my ‘turning point.’ just as how it was during sherlock, i hope this time it changes my identity completely, as an individual and as a performer. people might like this album or find it mediocre, but i try not to care about these things now. 19. were you the type to stress over feedback? yes. because there are many people who are uncomfortable with change. but then i realised we’d never be able to free ourselves from within if we continued to be tied down. so now i’m trying to notice these things less. 20. have you ever had this thought? that looking back, the experimental has always revolved around you. as i said before, i think there is a lot of something within me (laughs). people have recognized that, there’s a lot i want to do. there is a greed for wanting to be different from others. it’s not that i want to ‘appear’ different but truly be different. 21. do you think there is an aspect of you that others can’t follow? i can’t seem to figure it out. i’m looking for it. however, my satisfaction level with myself tends to be low. and it’s something that has been guiding me till now. 22. what helps you recharge the most? i like lower-body bathing so much (laughs). as soon as i get into the bath, i automatically end up going ‘euu’ ‘aah.’ i soak my body completely, light up a scented candle, then let my body warm up like this. 23. while watching your vlog-like youtube content taem-log, i wondered ‘does he have an affinity for household goods?’ since the camera often captured your surroundings, i noticed pretty glasses and a colourful coffee machine adorning your cupboard. not at all. my mother did all of that (laughs). she’d say ‘this would suit taemin~’ then set it up prettily for display on the shelves. sometimes i do think i’d like to furnish my house with antiques if i were to move in the future. this is a bit funny but i find the houses in old horror movies so pretty. 24. i saw a bottle of moët & chandon in your refrigerator, is champagne your regular choice of alcohol? i rarely drink. i usually receive gifted alcohol quite a lot, it all goes to my father (laughs). my mother brought the moët & chandon and left it in there. i asked her to leave a pretty bottle in there at least for decoration purposes, so she probably brought it just for that? (laughs). 25. what kind of a person is 28-year-old taemin? i sort of want to set things ablaze. i want to put up a spectacular finale of the opening act. 26. how do you want to be remembered as a musician? as a great person. i say this knowing it sounds a bit grandiose but it’s my mission.  27. i can see it. the bigger you become the larger the impact you can have on society. i will become that person. so that many people can hear the message i want to convey.

translated by romanceboys — take out with full credit (source)