simon can't be with you anymore.
cw gn!reader , angst , hurt / no comfort, simon doesn't know what he's doing.
notes streets said that it's angstmas !! didn't know that it existed until recently. anyways, since i'm having the worst week of my life, i'm gonna ruin it for simon too.
maybe simon was being stupid.
he probably was. not that he could think of any other options besides leaving you.
his work was too dangerous, and the next deployment was probably going to be his last. especially after the recent briefing he went to where the captain spoke about the upcoming mission — a highly risky one. in fact, even the most skilled like ‘ghost’ was bound to either get severely injured or just die. probably the latter. especially since he wouldn’t be with the rest of the taskforce 141 in the fucking warzone.
just a sacrifice for the better of the world, yeah? even though a part of him didn’t want to. fuck the world. you meant so much more to him. but he had chosen this job right. he had agreed to the mission.
and after all, he never considered himself deserving of you, deserving of this relationship he had with you. he knew he was somewhat of a distant boyfriend — barely opening up about his own feelings or past. at least he had shown you his face. you didn’t deserve someone as dangerous as him, someone so… damaged.
he didn’t want to die knowing that you’d be waiting home, all sad and lonely. he didn’t want to leave you like that, but at the same time, he didn’t want to stay and just watch this sweet bubble you two were in shatter. in both ways, he had to leave you. he had to somehow make this less painful, to make it easier for you to move on.
god, he was an asshole. he knew he was. he spent the week just distancing himself from you, responding to your words with nods and grunts while barely reciprocating to your affectionate touches. his heart was breaking more and more everyday, noticing the pained look in your eyes.
he couldn’t keep doing this for much longer. eventually, he had to end this, and he did.
“we can’t be together.”
his words hit you like a brick. literally on a random friday evening. not so random now, it seemed.
“what do you mean, si…?” your voice got quieter with each word, uncertainty towards your own state of mind flooding inside you while a lump formed in your throat, restraining you from properly even speaking out. your eyes stared at him in pure confusion and heart, noticing how he was cladded in his uniform, how he wore that damn skull mask balaclava — building up those walls again that you had managed to break so easily with your love.
simon hated this. he didn’t want to see you so confused and defeated. he had to stop himself mentally from doing something irrational. he was doing this for you, for your own good. though hearing you call him ‘si’ seemed to somewhat crack his composure.
“look, we can’t be together. s’too dangerous. too risky for you. you never know when i might die.” soon, but he held himself from saying that. you didn’t need to know about his deployment, not at all.
“w-why so sudden?” your voice cracked as you tried to properly make sense of his words, emotions taking off your being while you tried to hold in the tears that had begun to sting your eyes.
too dangerous, too risky — maybe somewhere in your heart, you had known that a day like this would come. simon riley was too careful about safety, too dedicated to his work while simultaneously being madly in love. suddenly, all of his sudden distant behavior made sense, and you felt somewhat stupid. stupid for, well, everything.
he was the plague that had infected you, and now he needed to leave so you could heal.
but you never thought of him like that. he was your rock, the anchor that held you from slipping away into loneliness that had always somehow stuck with you throughout your life, a sting that only simon could soothe. it was simon who would craddle you in his arks every night, it was simon who would listen to your rambles. it was simon who your heart was so willing to give love to.
and now he was going to leave.
simon had expected you to scream, to somehow target your anger and frustrations at him. he wanted you to yell at him, he deserved it.
but you didn’t. you sniffled, beads of tears beginning to roll down your cheeks as you took a wobbly step back, too exhausted to fight back or anything.
you didn’t blame simon. how could you? even now, you couldn’t find a flaw in him. too in love? maybe.
as silence filled the living room of the apartment you used to share with him, he slowly picked up his duffel bag and sighed, trying to keep his brown eyes cold and unfeeling, to make it look like he didn’t feel remorseful, to hide his heart was threatening to tear out of his own skin.
“i’ll always love you, simon…”
you said after a few seconds, causing his head to turn over to look back at you — your eyes teary and puffy while your cheeks were streaked with tears, his hands aching to wipe them away. your voice was weak, reluctantly defeated. you know that there was no point in stopping him.
i’ll always love you too, he mentally thought, though never said.
"one final kiss...?" simon froze at your request, knowing that if he were to look at your face any longer, he'd actually stay. he sighed and pressed a soft kiss on your forehead before pulling away, brown eyes hardening up.
he gave you a final nod and exited the apartment from the front door, leaving you alone all over again, your heart torn in pieces as you fell down on your knees, shattering into pieces that no one was going to bother picking up now. only simon could, but he was gone.
simon riley had died three months after that, and you never found out. for you, ge had just disappeared, leaving no traces behind.
just a memory that you were afraid you’d forget eventually, forget his touch and his voice, forget his face — just a memory that was going to bury itself no matter how hard you may try.
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Hymn to Apollo
Oh, my Beloved Lord, Lord Apollon who radiates light and warmth.
Please embrace us with your protective arms and let us heal.
You, who's just and knows when to give and when to take,
when to dispense remedies and when to allot diseases.
We accept your punishments and blessings with the same reverence.
You, who are the most knowledgeable give us means to progress.
You are my Lord our glowing light in the greatest darkness.
Please, guide us through our lives with your gift of prophecy.
Protect our youths with your bright presence and let us learn.
You, the Greatest of archers bless us with knowledge of this fine art.
You, shining one who gives infinite new ideas for poets and artists.
We humbly thank you for your protective presence in our lives
Please accept our deepest love and admiration
Hail to the Great Apollon, please never let us part.
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inspiration
Writing poetry is weird
One moment I know a thousand lines
And then the next
They’ve disappeared
Where did they go?
Do they fall into an abyss?
Are they eaten by a demon in my mind, so hungry for words?
I could write forty verses in an hour
And none in three years
And then repeat, and repeat, and repeat
silence
noise
silence
Noise
silence
NOISE
The noise is alright
but when it’s gone, so am I
The silence is too loud these days
So I fill it up with everything
This never ending curse just stays
As I lay awake after dark
This inspiration I have
Consumes my waking thoughts
It’s rather tiring to be like this
Everything must be written down
10 turns into 3 am
I’ve lost for time nowadays
What does trigger this sense of adrenaline?
Do tell me please, I beg
I’m tired of this on and off
I need a steady fix
It’s not like I’m helping the world
Or curing an lifelong disease
I’m writing shit in my closet
Because it makes me at ease
So give me a sense of purpose
Something I can do to change
The world from what it is today
To something people embrace
I’m tired of being useless
I’m tired of feeling lost
I’ve never known of a goldfish
that could survive in a cardboard box
The rain just stopped
It’s been pounding for hours
Pit
Pat
Pit
Pat
It started up again
And it’s gone now
Again
Damn it, it never stays
It’s crazy and irregular and cluttered and confusing
Just like me, and my mind, and this poem that’s been consuming
All my waking thoughts these days
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More Than Fake
Always looking, watching
How everyone lives
While behind the glass.
Looking, falling in love, hating
Not the people but life.
The lives they lead
Simple and extraordinary.
Wanting to live like them,
Wanting to be better than them.
Finally leaving the self-imposed cage
Only to want to crawl back inside,
Sick with tears.
Realizing you can’t be like them
Because you are not like them
And they know it too.
So back to watching,
From behind the glass,
From the pages
From the confronts of a screen,
Palms sized to as tall as a building.
Wanting to be out there,
Living too
But too scared to act,
Too afraid to be disappointed with indifference
From yourself.
That watching will always be better
Fuck other people,
I want to be happy for me;
I want to live for myself.
I want to experience boring things
I want to experience love,
Both platonic and romantic.
I want a life everyone is promised
And expected to have.
But where to start?
I have spent too long inside.
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