#I edited some of this so it wouldn't be /too/ rambly and long anyways yeah here

[fivewholeminutes]

so. wembley.

Once I have finally gathered my wits the words did not want to stop coming. This rambling is long; apologies for that. And for the messed up tenses I hate tenses we only have one past tense why is English like this

No photos/videos yet, they are still not properly checked/deleted/edited by me.

It was. Unsurprisingly. One of the best days of my life. But also, I don't remember much from my life, so don't trust me on this one. (Kidding, it totally WAS one of the best days of my life). And uhh... I have a problem with processing events and emotions, so it still feels like I have seen it on a TV screen instead of, you know, actually, physically having been there? Idk how to explain that, I still have to convince my brain that I've been there. I feel detached from it completely. But!! I!! Have!! Been!! There!!

I woke up so early that foxes were still roaming the streets. Didn't talk much with people around me in the queue (hello anxiety), but they were lovely! I signed the blue flag for iii from me & Lia, got the sticker for Projekt Atlantic, received some bracelets, exchanged some bracelets, put some sea creatures tattoos on people (LIA I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THE WHALE!!!), slept on a pavement, bought merch for myself and others (I've never had anyone to buy concert merch for before, it's such a nice feeling 🥺).

And queueing for so long was so fucking worth it! Third row, baby!! For the first time in the middle!! (Which was my downfall later, but the pre-show me was not aware of that just yet). I couldn't actually hear HEALTH that well, but I really liked their drummer, he was enjoying himself and his joy was contagious. (I've checked them later though and. Last album, my beloved.) During the break, well, you all know what was happening, I have been liveblogging everything (sorry about that <3). The moment someone in the crowd literally screeched when they saw the new masks on instagram was a blessing, I wouldn't have survived seeing them in new masks without a warning. Also, my blind ass would probably realise 3 songs in that they have different masks, I shit you not. Besides, it was super fun having a mental breakdown here on tumblr with y'all <3

When Espera entered the stage, everything else stopped being of any importance to me. I remember my first thought was "oh yeah, sure, the ladies are dressed up and moving like this and you expect me to focus on anything else that is happening on this stage?". And of course, my second thought was "I GOTTA TAKE PICTURES FOR DARYA". Naturally, I was trying to keep up with everything else anyway. I haven't seen ii all too well though and it makes me sad :( Alas. I've had a good vantage point for the ladies. Yeah. Brain went brrrrr every time I was looking at them. Where was I again-

I was still coughing at that time. I got a terrible coughing fit after literally 3 short screams during HEALTH and my idiot ass has left all the lozenges except one in the hotel room an hour before the door opening. I thought I would have to spend the rest of the night not singing along nor screaming and felt utterly heartbroken for a few minutes, but after my Holy Grail Lozenge (and a LOT of water from the venue's crew) my cough has abandoned me for the duration of the whole ritual (thank you, Sleep). Even though, when Sam told us that we have to sing, my only thought was "I CAN'T FUCKING SING EITHER, MATE". But I did. Oh, I so fucking did. I sung my lungs out and did not cough even ONCE.

But you know. I was exhausted, anxious, surrounded by strangers and had more sugar in my veins than red cells at that point, so I wasn't my best self. I really thought the karaoke was for shits and giggles at first. "Oh yeah, it's The Most Popular Song, let's see how it sounds when 10k people sing it without the singer's help!", you know. Thought it was for the recording the announcements warned us about. But then we sung Granite. Ohhhkay. And then The Love You Want - certainly not a song they would leave for an impropmtu singalong. It was then that I (belatedly) realised that yeah, something really was wrong and so my heart broke again. So many preparations! Their biggest gig so far! Even iii managed to be there! And something had to happen!! Specifically!! To Vessel!! Of all people!! That was just not fair. He totally didn't deserve this. But it's just life and its endless fucking bad surprises for everyone, huh.

I didn't have enough time to collect all the broken pieces of my heart from the sticky floor and mend them after this realisation, because after Vessel joined the singing for the last few lines of TLYW, he dropped to his knees in front of us crying and thanking everyone. That sight is now carved into my brain. This is when I realised the 3rd row was a mistake. The psychic damage it gave me is irrevocable. Do you have those moments that you will never forget? A few seconds of an (usually traumatic) experience that will haunt you forever, replaying in your mind like a broken record? It was a bit like this for me. It wasn't traumatic, mind you, but it was definitely something that made a permanent dent in my heart and a home in my brain. And I wouldn't change it anyway.

Another thing that made me think that I will just fall down and never get up was iii & iv's hug. It was. So full of love and reassurence. Idk, you could just feel that emitting from them, okay? I was standing there thinking "yeah sure, just fucking murder me tonight instead, okay. Should've kept staring at Espera only-". Ah yes. The ladies. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Where was I again-

The goosebumps when the whole venue yelled "they won't be missing you" during Nazareth, oh my fucking god. On my previous rituals, in way smaller venues, there's always been a handful of people screaming it. And everyone doing it? Unparalleled feeling. Bordering on the shrimp emotions scale.

The lights were spectacular. I cannot describe how amazing the light show was. I am sending a kiss to each and every light crew member.

Also, Vessel being more emotional during the ritual as a whole. The TLYW moment was the worst for me, but there were many others. (Ascensionism and Bloodsport stabbing me with a rusty knife the most.) I mean, who could've blamed him for the emotions, he would probably be very emotional even without the voice issues. Who wouldn't be!! It was a big night, after all. God, it must have been so difficult for him, I really, really fucking hope the love coming from his bandmates, crew and the crowd was enough to help him focus on the good parts of the evening only. And!! It wasn't even that bad!!! Sure, he lost his voice for a while, but once it was back you could!! Barely!! Hear!! The difference!! I have a whole new level of respect for Vessel because of that. And for staying onstage with us for the songs he couldn't sing. Didn't know I could respect him even more than I already did, but hey. Love being surprised like that. I have seen concerts where the singers were singing way worse live while being completely healthy. Like sure, you could notice he's not using so many uhh, how do you call this in English, vocal ornamentations??? and that his voice is strained, but it was still beautiful. Take care of your voice now though, dude, jfc. Thanks for the sacrifice, much appreciated, but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU- (kidding, kidding. or am i.) I also liked that he was leaving the more screamy moments in songs for us. Aiming the microphone at us, positive we'll have his back. Like yeah, yeah, other bands do that relatively often, but it's not something they usually do, you know.

I can't vouch for everyone in the crowd, but I sure as fuck did not have a SINGLE thought that the show sucks because of his voice issues. Like it didn't even occur to me. Honest to god. I was shocked when I saw on tumblr that people were leaving? Asking for a refund????????????? I was having the time of my life singing those songs. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, probably!! Who can say they karaoked whole 3 songs with the band playing for them live?? Your local karaoke bar could never. (Bonus points, you could hear Espera better bc of that! Yes, I know, you are not supposed to hear backing vocals too loud in general, I'm just saying it was nice hearing them, bc usually I hear them on recordings only.)

Yeah, sure I was disappointed after the show that there was no Euclid, but that's just me, a total whore for Euclid. It's a completely different thing than being a bitch who leaves halfway, because something out of the ordinary has been happening.

Anyways. I would like to wish all the crowdsurfers a very fuck you. Hope you will all step on a lego every day for the rest of your lives <3

Crowdsurfers and constant giving away of water (which I understand, it was terribly hot there and it was needed) were a bit distracting, I missed some things because of the commotion, the drum solo has been disrupted by me getting a (fortunately very light) kick in the mouth and DRUM SOLO IS SACRED. I HOPE THE CROWDSURFER WHO DECIDED TO GO UP IN THAT MOMENT WILL STEP ON 3 LEGOS DAILY. IT'S LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE RITUAL FOR ME AND THEY HAVE RUINED IT. Thanks to another crowdsurfer, I missed the moment the band was throwing stuff into the crowd and I promised Lia I will catch a pick/drumstick for them!!!!!!! I've had a banner for this occassion and all!!!!! And!!!!! For the whole time things were flying from the scene!!!! I have been under someone's legs and ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Side note: Vessel was throwing away his rings. That's so fucking cool, ahh.

All in all, half of the things that happened there, I've learned from tumblr. The announcements about the recording, people leaving, Vessel being covered in runes (I WAS STANDING RIGHT BEFORE HIM AND DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING. A N Y T H I N G. I HATE BEING A BLIND IDIOT), the Espera ladies laughing at iii for not coming to the photo, hell, even Vessel trying to get his attention. I have NO idea what I've been doing back then, it's a blur again lmao. And. The most important thing: Vessel's "thank you". I didn't catch it back then. I don't hear it on my recording. Tbh I couldn't believe y'all for a long while that it really happened (I'm sorry). But it did and you know what? I'm glad the broken pieces of my heart were left on the arena's floor earlier during the show. I don't want them anymore.

I would also like to thank that one security guy in huge headphones who was our warning that another fucking crowdsurfer was coming our way. I hope the headphones guy's pillow is always cold on both sides, his skin clear, his crops- and so on. Our hero <3

There was also a moment during Atlantic (another important moment disrupted. Smh) where 2 security persons dived into the crowd?? I still have no idea what was happening, bc if someone faints for example, they are always brught to the barricade by the crowd and security picks them up, I've never seen security getting into the crowd before. And because of that, people around me were talking loudly during Atlantic. Kill kill murder kill

Still, Projekt Atlantic was a huge success and I am so proud of the organisers!! They're in the same category of lovely people as the big headphones security guy

Sending a kiss to @murderofcrow for this gif 🖤

To sum up. I will forever be grateful for this band. This music has activated the dormant parts of my mind. I am making art again. I am meeting cool people because of them. I have people to talk about it with who are as excited about it as I am. For the first time in ages I really feel alive again. And life is not good, far from it, to be completely honest with you, they haven't magically fixed all my problems, but I do have something that actually fucking works on me. I know Vessel wouldn't agree, but they are saving people. And you all, lovely ST pocket of tumblr motherfuckers who are reading this, you are saving people too.

And, last but not least!! In hot pink, because I can! Thanks to this ritual I could finally meet @vesselsscarlet and @thevenomousseprent in person!!!!!!!!! I love you guys, you are amazing and I can't wait to see you again 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 You've made me feel so loved that weekend and it's something I haven't felt in a while!!

[the-blind-geisha]

okay listen, it's so damn late and I told myself to leave the next message to your for tomorrow but I cannot help myself. And it's because I saw something interesting you added to your post.

I mean those aesthetic thing. I'm gonna be honest dear, I'm cringing when I look at this...

...because I'm the person who did them.

Damnit, Oreana! you indirectly exposed me in like, third respond to my anon messages??!! I'm beyond angry but in a very good way. In very exciting way.

And as much as I cringe at these edits (cuz I could do better now!), I cannot describe how happy I am to know you still kept that. It's... such an amazing feeling. I'm beyond happy that I might even shed a tear or two. Absolutely amazing. And I'm absolutely thankful cuz holy eff. You don't even know how much. Truly. It can be seen as nothing but thanks so much for having them saved. Although I must say I saw that you still have them on your blog. Amazing feeling, that it wasn't deleted. Ah, I meant I wouldn't mind if you deleted them! After all, it was something made for ac so yeah!

Yes I start to ramble, sorry, but I'm so so so so thankful.

Thank you, dear. Truly, thank you.

But well that should explain to you how I remember that Emmett had the ability to change into the horse. I never forgot, nor I forgot your Oreana. Holy eff, I even remember how I started to simp to her brother (I hope it was her brother) and I requested a short fic with him.

AHGGG this is beyond exciting! Kinda overwhelming too, especially for 2am.

Anyway, don't you dare think I'm gonna ignore the talk about overlord, happy farm and demiurge. I'm gonna get there, I'm just too excited to share this all and expose myself even further.

But I will say that I'm glad to hear you beat the anemia's ass. That's always good to hear tho but yes. Slay!

But truly, damit Oreana. I cannot believe this happened. And I cannot believe I wrote this instead of acting normal.

Love you, dear. Even after all of those years.

- Pandemonium

(sorry if I don't respond immediately to your potential reaction to this. it's truly too late here but I just, couldn't help myself)

So it IS you! ♥ Funny thing... you said Emmett turning into a horse, and yeah—he could in Oreana's version of her world as that was his dream land animal form—BUT...I still remember when you had that Horseman idea, and Emmett would even turn into her steed! Funny story to add onto that one: Cheshire, Demona's NPC in Overlord, actually took some of the ideas from that where his little necklace turns into a shield when he transforms. X”D

Wow. No fooling?? OMG, I'm so glad you're okay! ;~; I sadly couldn't give you a name, because I know you changed blogs so often that I couldn't really give you one! But yeah! I remember you! And of course I kept them! I have ALL those edits. All of them. ♥ Just because the fandom hurt me didn't mean I ever wanted to be rid of the treasures people gifted me. ♥♥ I even have the one you did of Oreana's older brother.

I think it's because I changed my name. It used to be one word, remember? Now it's The-Blind-Geisha (because I swear if I heard someone make the joke 'hate a house' one more time, I'd riot lol). But they are under 'for me' tag:

I also have this one still I know you did:

Yeah! Her brother Emuntin! ♥ We even did a small RP about that, I think?? Goodness, it's been so dang long! Good memories though!

Awwwr, still! It was a joy to read! ;^; Thank you so much again, hon. It was wonderful to catch up with you!

Love you too, hon! I am so relieved during this crazy time you're okay. ♥♥ Puts my mind and heart at ease.

(Sleep, silly! You deserve it!) ♥

[tori-artemis]

Post Edit:

Hey, thank you for tagging me @therese-lokidottir !! :)

Now let's see if I can do this in a non-messy way lol. So in no particular order:

Loki (of course, I mean - this is my Loki blog after all! XD)

Particularly from Thor: The Dark World, tho tbh I love almost every version of him (or at the very least I care about/feel bad for him, which basically sums up my feelings for TVA Loki.

Sansa Stark (tbh my girl deserved so much better both in the writing dept and in fandom bc she was constantly crapped on by fans for basically being a traumatized feminine 13 year girl - until of course the writers botched her whole character up by turning her into Lady Vengeance bc then everyone liked her like wtaf)

I mean don't get me wrong I love Lady Vengeance Sansa - just not at the expense of her more compassionate core. She should have had more scenes with Theon as Reek damnit - we should've seen her conflicted feelings of wanting to hate this man who betrayed her family and "killed her little brothers" (in her mind bc he didn't actually kill them) and yet undeniably feeling immense sympathy for him (bc that's her goddamn character David and Dan! She's not heartless and she's definitely not revenge-driven like Arya is - like she is literally the opposite of heartless you damn hacks!) Not to mention her ultimately relating to him - not only as Ramsay's victim but as a hostage herself being as she was held captive by the Lannisters while Theon was held captive by the Starks. Like she empathizes with Theon, in a way that none of the other characters do. And tbf the series does show this aspect of her character with Sophie Turner's wonderful performance but it would've been better if the writers hadn't tried to mess that all up with Sansa and Theon's earlier scenes. (I will never not be salty about the whole "if I could do what Ramsay did to you I would" - like GIRL NO YOU WOULDN'T!) And I'm not even going to touch what those hacks made her do in the last couple of seasons bc this rant is long enough and I don't have the patience to get into all that. Which leads me to -

THEON!!! Theon Theon Theon Theon Theo-

(I mean, um, Theon Greyjoy, ha ha. 😅)

Valkyrie (Brunhilde???)

(Still salty that we never found out her name! 😤)

Margaery Tyrell

Tbh I didn't know who else to put bc I had to pick a woman character (otherwise this list would've had too many men and therefore wouldn't be even) and I was running out of mcu ladies. (Look I know there are so many to choose from but unfortunately I haven't actually seen Black Widow or Black Panther/Wakanda Forever or Moon Knight so I don't feel I can actually use such great characters like Yelena Belova or Shuri or Okoye bc tbh I feel I haven't actually seen them at their best - or at all if we're talking about Yelena. And why am I like this??? Hel if I know, I have OCD so it's probably something to do with that.)

Anyway all this to say Margaery's underrated af and while some of the writing for her was kinda sus (woman who uses sex as manipulative tactic cliche) she was still salvaged by Natalie Dormier's awesome performance so yeah - I'm putting her on the list!

Peter Parker/Spiderman

Wanda Maximoff/Scarlett Witch (how the hell did I forget about her???)

Like I related to her way too hard in Wandavision to just leave her off the list...

Dr. Jonathan Crane/Scarecrow

(Oh hey look - I have an excuse to include my babygirl here! I haven't gotten around to gushing about this guy yet but don't worry - pretty soon this blog will be infested with posts of me just rambling about him and why he's my perfect poor little meow meow. :) )

Natasha Romanoff

(I was never a huge fan of hers but after Endgame I've grown to really love her. Plus she gives off protective big sister vibes.)

Honorable Mentions:

Black Noir from The Boys. He isn't on the list simply bc I haven't actually watched The Boys, only several scenes really. But it's wild bc I ended up tearing up when I saw Black Noir's/Irving's background, who he was, what had happened to him, why he behaved the way he behaved... like even without all of the context it's hard not to get emotional about his story, especially the conclusion - all I know is I will never be able to look at Buster Beaver (a cartoon mascot that's the Chuck E Cheese of The Boys verse) without tearing up. :'(

Ramsay Bolton (aka Ramsay Snow) from Game of Thrones.

The Joker from The Dark Knight.

Yelena Belova

Alicent Hightower from House of the Dragon.

Lord Eddard Stark (aka Ned) from Game of Thrones.

Jon Snow from Game of Thrones.

Robb Stark from Game of Thrones.

Prince Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Princess Azula from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Bruce Wayne (aka Batman) from Batman: The Animated Series, The Dark Knight nolanverse films, and The Batman (2022).

Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman) from The Batman (2022).

Terry McGuinness (aka Batman) from Batman Beyond.

Yara Greyjoy from Game of Thrones.

Oberyn Martell from Game of Thrones.

Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop.

The girls from Euphoria. Particularly Rue, but tbh I feel for all of them (yes even Cassie).

Princess Shuri, particularly from Wakanda Forever tho I already liked her even before then, I just love her more now.

Andrea Beaumont from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm.

Namor from Wakanda Forever.

Will Byers from Stranger Things.

Max from Stranger Things.

Lucas from Stranger Things.

Jonathan Byers from Stranger Things.

Robin from Stranger Things.

Eleven (aka El, Jane Hopper) from Stranger Things.

Eddie Munson from Stranger Things.

Hela - though I fully blame Galaxy (affectionate 🖤) for my growing love for her. Not that I didn't like her before but I'd never given her much thought... I read Galaxy's meta and fics.

Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones. She is quite possibly one the most vindictive bitchs (affectionate and derogatory) to ever grace mmm)

Thor

Steven Grant Rogers

James Buchanan Barnes (aka Bucky)

Sam Wilson

Link from The Legend of Zelda series.

Prince Nuada from Hellboy: The Golden Army

A-Train from The Boys

Kimiko from The Boys

Billy Butcher from The Boys

Guts

(I'm just going to put this right here and not elaborate any further...)

[x-ladydisdain-x]

for ship ask game: (i didnt check if u already answered any of these so feel free to skip haha if there r repeats)

johnlock, ineffable husbands, uhhh iirc pfp from she-ra?? idk any of those characters names so whoever u ship ur pfp with if u have any, go for it lmao

Aha jokes on you for letting me ramble (I'm sorry)

Anyways I put a cut because it got a little long and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s dash

Aaaa yes yayy these are all my favorites thank youu

Johnlock: ship it

1. What made you ship it?

I actually have a story for this lol. So I have this friend who was super obsessed with Sherlock and she sat me down for the first 2 eps and kept going “see??? Aren’t they so in love???” But I was in the midst of my own sexuality crisis and had a ton of internalized homophobia so I just kinda awkwardly went “hehe I guess yeah” and also very confused because Sherlock is a very confusing show on first watch and just trying to figure out what was happening lmao. BUT as I kept watching on my own I really couldn’t deny their relationship and I specifically remember going “yep. They’re gay.” In the pool scene of TGG.

2. What are your favorite things about the ship?

Ahhhh okay so I love love love how they’re such a light in each other’s life and keep each other going and found each other at such a great point in their lives, when they were both so alone, and how badly they need each other-

Also the fact that they’re flatmates is so cute and domestic fjdjjsjdjf

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have about your ship?

Mary!! Is!! Awesome!!

Look I ship Johnlock as much as anyone else but please Mary is a great character. Why do we have to take the one strong female character (Molly and Irene are also great and could’ve been incredible if Mofftiss had done them right but that’s another story-) and decide she sucks :(

Ineffable Husbands: Ship it

I answered this one here :)

Catradora: Ship it

1. What made you ship it?

They're so flirtatious oh my god. Like all they know how to do is be angsty or be flirty with each other. Often both at the same time. Catra and Adora's first scene together is just,,, the homoerotic tension They're just so cute together and I desperately needed some wlw content in my life, it gave me no choice

2. What are your favorite things about the ship?

CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO ENEMIES TO LOVERS CAN IT BE MORE PERFECT

Also this ship and this show as a whole is just so healing and so important. It's a canon wlw ship that such beautifully shows the progression from two very close friends who grew up together and were always there for each other, through all the abuse they endured as kids, to two very hurt and confused teenagers having their lives flipped around, Adora recognizing how she and Catra have been on the wrong side and being able to go join the rebellion, but Catra not being ready to accept that yet and seeing this as Adora leaving her, to two sworn enemies who never kill each other when they have the chance, no matter how much they say they want to, both of them fighting with so much internally, though Catra being so much more alone. Then finally them finding each other again, and healing and dealing with all of their trauma together.

The character development and the development of their relationship is just *chefs kiss*

also like who wouldn't like an angsty sad cat lesbian and a female-himbo ex gifted kid sword lesbian like

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have about your ship?

Oooh idk. Maybe Adora and Glimmer interacted romantically and probably had crushes on each other at some point? I don't ship them, I just think something definitely happened between them and idk how common that view is. I know there is a reasonably sized Glimadora fandom, but idk if a lot of Catradora shippers also think there was something with Glimmer and Adora.

[brilapse]

1-60. That should keep you busy. Plus it'll be fun to read.

lol, jesus christ. Yeah, it'll keep me busy, that's for sure. :|

Okay, let's get started:

EDIT- Okay, this took me way too long, lol. I started it a couple days ago and go to the low 20s and then went to make dinner and got distracted after dinner and then watched the game, lol. Then yesterday I got on the computer, saw it and remembered and did a few more and then gave up really quickly because it was HOT AS HELL here yesterday. The humidity was insane. Newfoundland usually has mild weather, but when it is hot (25-30) it is extremely humid and dense. I was in a sports bra and female boxers and was still sweating and my hair sticking to my face and ugh, IT WAS HORRIBLE. So I went in the bedroom and lied down on the cool floor with the fan blasting on me and stayed there for the rest of the night reading lol, and then that brings us to this morning, I finished the last little bit and here you go. Not like anyone is going to read this anyways, I have some pretty long rambling TL;DR answers hahahaha so yeah:

1. selfie

I don't feel like taking a selfie right now lol, besides I left my phone at my computer desk to charge in the living room and I'm on my tablet in bed rn lol

2. what would you name your future kids?

Boys: lol okay so I LOVE the name Gaius (Ancient Roman/ Latin) but noone I tell likes it lol so I'd have to settle for Marcus, a more normal name from ancient Rome. I also LOVE the name Damien, but my mom says it reminds her of the devil lmao. I reallllllly like the names William (not will. Not willy. WILLAIM) & Richard as well, so it'll probably be one of those two because they're the most "normal" haha

Girls: Aeliana (ae is pronounced like ee) Cassia (can call her Cassie), or Saoirse. If I had it my way my daughter would be named Bouddica after the Ancient Briton Warrior who rose up against the Romans 😏😏

3. do you miss anyone?

My mom, brother and dog who are in another province.

4. what are you looking forward to?

Death. Blackness. Peace and Quiet.

Lol. for real tho, Nothing particularly exciting is coming up, so I'm not really looking forward to anything. Probably hiking La Manche this weekend. OH, Game 5 Habs + Vegas! EDIT: Game 6 now!

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

Yeah, Aragorn 💗 ....and my boyfriend...I guess

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

Hmmm, I mean, it depends. Obviously if I invested a lot into a relationship and it was a pretty good relationship- yes I'd say I have "trouble" getting over someone.

7. what was your life like last year?

The same as everyone else's. LOL. Stay at home, quarantine lockdown, work from home, lots of Netflix and reading, haha.

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

YES. Sometimes you just hit your limit (especially after an anxiety ridden day) and any little thing you find annoying will throw you over the edge. I cried once because my boyfriend wouldn't stop snoring lmao. One of many examples.

9. who did you last see in person?

My boyfriend when he left for work this Morning.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

Immaculate. Do I choose not to and overshare sometimes? Lol, yes.

11. are you listening to music right now?

I am, I am. Drinking my Morning Tea and listening to my Celtic/ Nordic/ Medieval Chill Playlist lol

12. what is something you want right now?

A cigarette, lol. Thanks for reminding me lol. I'm cutting down and hopefully eventually quit fully. I'm down to 5 a day from like 12-14 a day. I've already had 4 today (anxiety was bad today) so I'm trying not to have another one until before I go to sleep.

13. how do you feel right now?

Blasié would be the best way to describe it.

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

This morning.

15. personality description

Jesus. I hate describing my personality, its like, how do I even begin to summarize something so convoluted? I refuse, we'll be here for ages. Go through my tumblr, you'll get an idea at least lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Yes. You're a liar if you say you've never not told someone something you wanted to say. What kind of question? ? ? ??

17. opinion on insecurities.

They suck and the confirmation bias (looking around for things that confirm your insecurities, like when you walk past a group of people and share eye contact for a moment and hear them laughing, think "they're laughing at me", etc) that goes along with them suck as well.

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

No. We were on full lockdown and I was working from home at a job I hated.

19. have you ever been to New York?

No.

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

At the moment I would have to say "Hallucinogenics" by Matt Maeson ft Lana Del Rey - I've been listening to it A LOT lately. I've also been listening to Anything (Malaa Remix) by Alison Wonderland, Valentino Khan, Malaa a lot recently too haha. It's my go to song when cleaning the past week :)

21. age and birthday?

Twenty-five.. November 20th.

22. description of crush. boyfriend.

Ginger, thick wavy hair (I LOVED it when he had it longer, like "hockey flow" with his "beard" (lmao he cant grow one, he has like a short stubble beard i guess) Chubby (dad bod <3) but has Big Muscular Arms (MY FAV in a man).

He's also DUMB AS SHITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lmao, well. He's actually fairly intelligent when it comes to numbers, patterns, etc. He's like a damn calculator, like he would literally be able to figure out a random equation like 491x596 in the same amount of time it would take me to put it in a calculator, kinda crazy sometimes lmao. THOUGH HE DUMB AS SHIT WHEN IT COMES TO COMMON SENSE SHIT AND WOMEN AND RELATIONSHIPS and like abstract theories and shit haha.

Kind. Like. Too kind sometimes. When we "fight", I always feel like a piece of shit because I'm after getting heated (CAUSE HE DUMB!!!!!!! :') ) and raising my voice, saying some not so nice things (he describes me as "ruthless" lol) and he NEVER raises his voice back or gets heated back. It's extremely rare. Which, in the moment annoys me because I feel like my energy needs to be matched and he isn't taking me or the situation seriously, but afterwards I appreciate it because I know the reason he doesn't is because before him, I was in a pretty abusive relationship mentally and physically, and I also have PTSD from situations that occured while I was homeless & a drug addict, so sometimes men getting angry with me triggers a panic attack or tramautic memories, and he literally doesn't raise his voice back or get angry because he never wants me to perceive him that way or inadverently scare me. So I do appreciate it.

Funny. In such a stupid way, you have no choice but to laugh at how stupid his humour is. (Like superbad, Step Brothers, etc ahah)

Lol. *writes 3 paragraphs describing my boyfriend but can't write 1 sentence describing myself*

23. fear(s)

I actually don't have many fears, and I think that's attributed to the fact that I have seen/experienced some traumatic things and I've just become desensitized I guess. I would say my fears are things that fairly improbable and silly. Like a plane crash and dying in burning flames, or a ship sinking and being trapped inside and slowly waiting for the water to come in and drown me. Fear of dying in a painful way, I guess. That's pretty evoluntionarily normal for any human though haha.

24. height

5'2 and a bit, pretty much 5'3. My DL says 5'3.

25. role model

I don't really have a role model. I don't really "look up" to anyone enough to model myself after them. There are people I admire, which leads us to the next question.

26. idol(s)

I have plenty of idols. (and I may not admire EVERYTHING about these people either) A few being, Bouddica. Livia Drusilla. Nero. Sappho. Augustus. Hypatia of Alexandria. Carl Sagan. Friedrich Nietzsche. Michaelangelo. Marie Curie. Jean-Paul Sartre. Albert Camus. Simone de Beauvoir. William-Adolphe Bouguereau. Botticelli. Jane Fonda. Hedy Lamarr. Marilyn Monroe. Sarah Paulson. Catherine the Great. Elizabeth I. Rousseau. Marx. Engels. Isaac Asimov. Richard Dawkins. I could go on and on.........

27. things i hate

I don't "hate" much. Humanity, I guess. More so Humanity's ability to be ineradicable violent and then use a "higher goal" ( For God, for "protecting" our country, etc) as a justification to keep recoursing to brutality. Humanity is also extremely self-righteous. We are constantly creating a reason about why it was right for us to do what we did and why we are victims rather than perpetrators. We ignore self-examination and our moments of guilt and atonement might amount to no more than half an hour across a lifetime for some people. We're envious and greedy, ignoring empathy for richness. We can be unbelievably cruel. We can be extremely close-minded. We are moral hypocrites.

I also love humanity as well. The ability to overcome the things above. Empathy. Kindness. Intelligence that will send us out into the far reaching corners of space if we let ourselves. Our resilience. We are the most remarkable species on earth, how far we have come in the short time since we evolved from our ape ancestors and climbed down from the trees and emerged from our caves, setting off on creating Civilization, Society, Technology, etc. The speed at which we advanced and the things we have overcome in the past shows our ability as a Species. The past 100 years alone we have advanced more technologically than the 500 years combined before

Human beings, homo sapiens, are a most remarkable species which is easily seen in a comparison with how far we have come in the short time since we climbed down out of the trees and emerged from our caves. The speed with which we are currently advancing leaves the future open to a wide range of speculation, but we have overcome much in the past and will continue to do so in pursuit of our future. I’m proud of my species and confident in our future.”

28. i’ll love you if…

idk lol

29. favourite film(s)

I have a few but Ill list the first 10 that come to mind

2001: A Space Odyssey

Alien

Interstellar

Gladiator

Barbarella

Donnie Darko

The Gladiator

Jane Eyre

The Ninth Gate

Star Wars

Every Marvel Movie basically lol

30. favourite tv show(s)

Again, I have a lot of shows I really enjoy, but these 10 are what came to mind first

Star Trek - In order from most liked to least liked of: Voyager, OS, Picard, TNG, Enterprise, Discovery, The Animated Series, Deep Space Nine and The Lower Decks

Game of Thrones

Battlestar Galactica

Westworld

The White Queen Series (The White Princess and the Spanish Princess following TWQ)

The Tudors

Spartacus

The Borgias

The Expanse

Man in the High Castle

31. 3 random facts.

1-Ancient Romans would sometimes fill up a Colosseum with water for a simulated sea battle. These simulated battles were called "naumachia". Nero held one in an amphitheater with actual marine creatures as well.

2-There are an estimated 2 trillion galaxies (each galaxy with an average of 100 billion stars) in the Observable Universe. That's 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars (24 zeroes) Astronomers say this is likely a gross underestimation as well. lol.

3- If we found a way to release the energy of a singular human body (aka explode) the explosion would wipe out the earth (render it uninhabitable). So yeah, the human body contains significantly more energy (potential) than a hydrogen bomb.

Hey, it didn't say facts about yourself :)

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Mix of both. I have like 4 friends right now lol, 2 are girls, 2 are guys.

33. something you want to learn

Archery.

34. most embarrassing moment

I literally can't think of one, lol.

35. favourite subject

Damn. It's pretty hard to choose between Science, History or Philosophy.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

Never have to worry about money again. Not be super rich, but to be able to afford a comfortable life and buy the things I want without worrying about spending too much, not having enough, running out, etc. Financial Stability.

Travel to all the places I want to go and see all the historical things I want to see (art, architecture, etc)

Be happy 90% of the time.

37. favourite actor/actress

Sarah Paulson. <3

also, Jodie Comer is an amazing actress, I really enjoyed her in The White Princess as Elizabeth of York and in Killing Eve as Villanelle (srz. just look up Villanelle compliation on youtube, great character, great actress.)

As for men, Tom Hardy. I really like Mandy Patinkin as well.

38. favourite comedian(s)

I think Aubrey Plaza is HILARIOUS. I also really like Ali Wong.

39. favourite sport(s)

Hockey lol

40. favourite memory

uhhhhhhh jesus this is a tough one, I have a few memories I cherish. I really can't pick one.

41. relationship status

Taken. Lol nope, I actually hate that. "taken" like i was kidnapped and forced into a relationship and my bf owns me lol

so we'll go with In a Relationship.

42. favourite book(s)

Okay, I'm going to just name one or two fiction and one or two non-fiction, or this list is going to get long af and fast haha

Foundation Series - Isaac Asimov (my favourite series of all time) and A Pillar of Iron - Taylor Caldwell

By Taylor Caldwell

Being and Time - Martin Heidegger and The Denial of Death - Ernest Becker

Okay, I need to add one more because this book will always live in my mind rent-free. Hunger - Knut Hamsun.

43. favourite song ever

EVER? ugh. I'd have to say Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead.

44. age you get mistaken for

Most people think I am my age, usually a couple years younger, early 20s rather than mid 20s.

45. how you found out about your idol

idk? usually by reading

46. what my last text message says

"I just checked the mail, you have a couple birthday cards"

OKAY I'M TIRED OF ANSWERING THESE, and the questions have started to get kind of mundane and it just gets worse from here, so yeah I'm gonna stop here :)

[marbled-roses-au]

Marbled Roses

~°Entry #: 002°~

Author's Note: This chapter has a small warning for paranoia and stalking, some bad mental health talk, and Tim thinks he's hallucinating, too, but he jokes about it more than anything. Also demon mention, I know that can be a trigger. Anyways, enjoy this chapter!~ 🌹

Alex smiled, holding his camera in his hand. "So, today, we are just going and scoping out some good filming spots. I asked the faculty yesterday and they said as long as I add the school into the credits, they are fine with it being a filming spot." He explained, smiling at his friends.

"Okay..." Tim said with a nod, "and why are you dragging us along?" He asked in an unamused tone.

Alex huffed a bit, "You and Brian are going to be some of the main characters and Jay is going to help me edit this. We all should be involved in the whole process." He explained. Tim was always grumpy, Alex never understood why. Of course, he never knew much about him...Tim tended to keep to himself. Well...himself and Brian, of course. None of them knew if they were secretly dating, but they all knew for sure that they were pining hard for one another. That much was very obvious.

"Fair enough." Tim said with a soft sigh. He didn't mind it too much, though, he would much rather been sleeping in on his weekend. His friends always had energy and he never knew where it came from. He didn't understand how they could possibly have a job, go to classes at ungodly hours in the morning (and not be late), have an active social life, and still have the energy to do fun stuff.

Jay just smiled a bit and looked around, "So, is there anywhere specific you are looking at for the end scenes?" He asked.

Alex smiled and nodded, "The school has some really nice cherry blossoms. I'm going to film the 'big kiss' there." He explained with a happy hum.

"Why there?" Brian asked, tilting his head a bit. Sometimes, Alex chose things and didn't have an explanation or a reason for his choice. Him, Tim, and Jay had all collectively agreed that Alex probably has ADD or ADHD, though they weren't psychiatrists and couldn't diagnose him based off of a few simple similar symptoms.

"Well, in Japanese culture, if you confess your love under a cherry blossom on the last day they are in bloom, the love will never die. It's a really sweet tradition. I found out about it in this really great anime I watched a few months ago." Alex rambled with a big smile. Sure, he was excited for the film and wanted to add some culture into his romance movie, but hopefully this tradition worked on Tim and Brian. He wanted to see them happily together.

"Weeb." Teased Tim, snickering softly when Alex gasped in mock offence and Jay and Brian chuckled under their breath.

"I'm getting all of this bullying on camera, you know." Alex said with a huff, puffing out his cheeks a bit. He was always the one getting picked on by his friends. "Oh yeah, speaking of camera, I'm going to be recording the 'auditions'. Even though you two have the roles, I want to get it on camera for any 'Behind the Scenes' stuff I do. I'm also going to buy small cameras for you guys to record personal rehearsals with." Alex said, smiling a bit, "That way, you guys can send us the videos and then Jay and I can watch them and send some feedback."

Brian sighed, smiling a bit, "Are the cameras for us necessary?" He asked, "I mean, we could just, like, video chat instead."

"The cameras are a necessity." Alex said, "Most of the time, I'll be running around, going to classes or just busy doing other stuff, video chats are too...inconvient." He explained, waving his hand to emphasize his point. Besides, something deep down told him they all needed their own cameras...he didn't know what that voice was or why it was there.

Though...ever since Alex had picked up that rose on his script, something had been whispering things to him when no one else was around; Things like...flattery...advice...encouragement...predictions.

Alex didn't really care what it was that was telling him these things at this point. All he cared about was that whatever or, rather, whoever this voice was, they were out to help him and his friends, not hurt them...and, somehow, this voice made him feel...secure.

"You know, its weird, its been a few days, and this rose hasn't wilted or anything." Alex said, "The blue has just...sort of faded and its getting more red."

Tim looked at Alex and huffed, "If you ask me, that damn rose is cursed..." He said, "If I were you, I would throw it in the garbage." Something about that rose made Tim uneasy and all he wanted was to get it as far away from him and his friends as possible.

"How much longer are we gonna be running around filming locations?" Jay yawned, "It's our weekend, we should be sleeping in or relaxing or...you know, something." He said, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Usually, he was fine getting up early in the morning...today, however, he was exhausted and just wanting to hide under his covers.

"You guys are such buzzkills, you know that?" Alex asked, looking at all of them, "All I want to do is be out, filming locations with the people that are, you know, helping me with this movie." He complained, "But, if you guys really want to leave, then leave." He started walking ahead of them, frustrated with their constant complaining. He just wanted to have some fun, they were all being moody and boring.

"Alex..." Brian sighed, "c'mon, we aren't trying to be mean." He said, smiling softly. "Tim and I were doing classwork until the sun was coming up and then we couldn't even sleep after that because we were wound up..."

Jay hummed, "And my body and my brain wouldn't let me sleep last night. I think it was...6A.M...? Before I even passed out." He said, smiling sympathetically. He wished he could give more energy into this for Alex, he hated seeing his friend upset.

Alex turned to them, sighing a bit, "I know you guys aren't trying to be buzzkills." He said with a sigh, "I'm just so excited to film this and I want to share all of my ideas with you guys and incorporate some of your ideas, if you have any. I know I get a little...much...when I get excited." Though he hated to admit it, his friends were right in saying that he, in the nicest words possible, hyperfixated. He did that with most of his projects, losing motivation half way through and quitting. This time, however, he had made a promise; not just to himself, but to his friends, too. He wouldn't give up on this project, no matter what happened.

Tim looked around, frowning when he saw something...weird. "Hey...you guys see that, too, right?" He asked, nodding to...what could only be described as a very, very, tall man in a trench coat with a fedora covering his face. Something about the guy made Tim want to run and hide; giving him the same unsettled feeling as the rose did, only stronger.

Alex turned, facing the camera in the direction and tilting his head a bit. "Huh..." He hummed, "that...has to be a prop or something. People aren't that tall, right?" He asked, looking over at Tim, Jay, and Brian. He was the only one of them that didn't feel...worried or panicked.

Brian felt a bit unsettled deep inside, "Not normally." He said, frowning a little, "Has...Has he been watching us?"

Jay chewed at his lip, "Or...following us? He kinda looks like a sex offender..." He said softly.

The 'person' turned to them, a devilish, perverted, sharp-toothed smirk stretching across his white face. He held up a deep red rose before he tipped his hat to them, slipping behind a tree and seemingly disappearing after that; a gentle breeze of red and blue rose petals following behind him and falling gently onto the grass.

Alex walked over, ahead of the others, seeing if he could record any proof of that guys existence. However, when he looked behind the tree, there was nothing. Not a single trace that anyone was ever there, other than the trail of petals.

He couldn't wait to get back to the dorms and take the recording to his computer to see if he could get a better look at that...creature? Monster? Demon?

The group shared a look, eyes wide and a shared, uneasy feeling between the four of them. Without any words spoken, they all agreed that whatever that thing was, it wasn't human and it didn't look all too friendly, either.

[crystu-cii]

XDD

I f e e l that pain in my soul-- my older sister uses cologne sometimes and it is sO STRONG AND WILL NOT STAY CONFINED TO HER ROOM-- AMD SOMETIMES SHED DO IT IN THE DOORWAY LIKE HELLO-- XDD

YEAH WH GET SOME SLEEP LEAVE THE STAYING UP TO US-- XDD

YES BABY JAIL, INTO THE UPSIDE DOWN LAUNDRY BASKET YOU KNIFE-WIELDING HEATHEN-- XDD oms XDD well I don't know them but I love them- YESSS THEYRE SO FLUFFY-- I'm actually curious what images pop up first imma check-- FLUFFY PUPPIES-- we've actually never owned ones that fluffy(those actually look more similar to shetland sheepdogs than the shelties we've had so far?? Very similar/similar enough where if someone doesn't know a sheltie we mention shetland sheepdogs), our current one is a purebred that we got for free(she was being given away bc her family never came back for her and the lady taking care of her couldn't afford the time to take care of a second dog long-term think) and she's got pretty short fur in comparison- still fluffy enough, but not quite so long of fur-- she's a blue merle(absolutely gorgeous fur, she's like 8 now with a lot of health problems but she's super loving still 💕💞) anyways about the fur, so long as you brush regularly you should mitigate most of that, and it mostly collects in corners- but like.. be prepared to eat and wear dog fur for the rest of your life-- (actually there's a thing called a fur zapper we bought recent that you put in with your clothes when you wash/dry them(I think it's dry but idk??) that's supposed to get a lot of hair off your clothes in that process? Also lint rollers are your best friend--) AND roombas are really helpful(we bought a knockoff one and rarely have to sweep ever so 👀) XDD WHEEZE I can't even imagine what you did-- but like you could ask for a budgie/parakeet /hj I mean, they aren't very expensive (actually they're pretty cheap) but they're very loud, need a lot of attention(especially if you want them to bond to you!) and you need to research into them a lot to make sure you're doing things right-- loads of vids online!! Loads of websites too!!! I'd know I have one- JUST A WARNING, FEATHERS AND SEED HULLS GET ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR XD p l u s like you have a friend who knows stuff about birbs :3 anyways ENOUGH RAMBLING FROM ME WOW THAT GOT LONG--

💕💕 I feel that XD OMS-- I WISH-- WHAT A D R E A M - s n a k - Awww but what a mood XD

XDDD oms YES-- EXACTLY-- XDDDD another good thing you should try eventually is SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE WHICH IS APPARENTLY DELICIOUS??? I TRIED IT FOR THE FIRST TIME(AT LEAST IN A WHILE) TODAY AND IT WAS SO FUCKIN TASTY????

H E A THEN-- XDD how cool of them to try tho :3 whEEZE Y 'A LL-- XDD

WHEEZE I SUCK WITH INSTRUMENTS SOOOO-- DAMN THA'S SOME BAD LUCK MY DUDE-- MAYBE YOU'RE CURSED DAMN-- oms wOWW--

Yesss-- ooh I've never played 👀 seen some stuff but never played-- (see: my computer sucks XD) I h a v e played Portal 1 and it is SO GOOD and SO SHORT and I WISH I HAD GOTTEN PORTAL 2 INSTEAD BUT THATS OKAY CRIES-- YESSSS THE SONGS SLAP--- ALSO THERE ARE ACTUALLY TWO WHOLE MORE CANON(PROBABLY KINDA MAYBE NOT?? IDK) SONGS, ONE FROM A LEG DIMENSIONS GAME("You Wouldn't Know") AND ONE THAT WAS CUT FROM PORT TWO("Don't Say Goodbye"(Harry101UK made an edit to make it Glados' voice!!)) THERE ARE ALSO A BUNCH OF GOOD FAN SONGS SO YEAH-- ALSO NOT TO BE A SIMP BUT GLADOS' VOICE? PERFECTION. I LOVE HER. ALSO I COULD LITERALLY DETAIL THE PORTAL LORE I AM INCREDIBLY EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS GAME-- ALSO THERES A CLIP THAT SOMEONE MADE USING A (VERY GOOD) GLADOS TTS TO HAVE GLADOS SAY TRANS RIGHTS AND ENBY RIGHTS AND IF I FIND IT AGAIN ILL SEND IT TO YOU-- YOU COULD PROBABLY FIND IT IF YOU LOOM UP GLADOS SAYS TRANS RIGHTS? IT HAS A VIDEO WITH TRANS FLAG COMPANION CUBES ACCOMPANYING IT-- ALSO YES THE PORT MODS(/ADD-ONS? MAYBE? THEY'RE COMMUNITY MADE I THINK BUT IDK ALL I KNOW IS THAT THEYRE COOL AF--) (also I apologize for all the screaming? XD it's like, four am and I was talking about portal so.. whoops?)

Right like wth???? I???? Okay but like December to February babies just fuckin DONT EXIST IN THIS GEN OR SOMETHIN-- CAUSE I FIND N O N E -- Maybe there are more December babies but there are definitely like NO January to February babies it is So Weird--

NEJFQOBGKW WOWW d an g like-p l e a se s t op over sp r aying-- xD and LEGITTTT LIKE- THAT WAS M Y ROLE TO STAY UP LATE- XDD

WHEHEHEZE- LAUNDRY BASKET TIME- G E T I N XDD anD YESS- any doggo is just such a cute doggo 😭💞💞 but for me- fLUFFY ONES ARE WHERE ITS A T- and ohhhh i see- FOR FREE?? W H A T A S T E A L XDD but awwww the poor doggg at least she's with you now ! ;0;; 💞💞😭 aaw such a lovable puppup 😭😭💞 and oHHH i see :00 but oh no- xD i also have a friend that has two dogs and whenever he would give me gifts- there would be dog hair on them no matter what- XDD and ooOhhh those sound really helpful! omg- i swear i dont have to have a pet for the need of a roomba- i already shed so much hair myself its so crazy-- xDD and oH MAN loud animals are really gon get my mom fired up- and OO birds just look so cuteee i always fantasize of having one- but then again- with the noise and all xD the more i think about it i dont think we are prepared to have a pet at all xD but i still dream of at least having one pet in my lifetime!

and OO that sounds awesome!! i have no clue if i even tried casserole before- man- sometimes i just eat food without even knowing wth it is XDDD but THAT SOUNDS so gooodddd :O

and LEGITT LIKE- TF IS HAPPENING WITH MY SCHOOL LIFE- XDD and oh my god- IT GETS WORSE- that year there was a FREAKINGG FIREEEEEEE- it wasnt that dangerous thank god- but it had to get a whole ass room renovated because of it- and guess what room it was- THE ORCHESTRA ROOM- AND GUESS WHAT M A D E I T W OR SE- that year- it was the first time the school replaced those 10+ year old instruments with new ones- NOW THEYRE B U R N T- and mind you that the school's budget isnt so- gr e a t- like oh my god i am still so bewildered over HOW MUCH chaos HAPPENED that year- and i thought that year was gon be the year- yknow? like UGH

and OHH MANN playing portal sounds awesome! but i just dont think the game would be worth my money cause i know the plot- and even with the mods and all my brain would be broken as i would possibly have no clue what to do- xDDD

and HOOOO MANNN game fan songs are just so AWESOMEEE- and those sound pretty cool! :OO and HOLY SHIT FUCK YEAH- GLADOS SAYS TRANS AND ENBY RIGHTS Y A LL- now im gonna look that up and let my ears be blessed by such words- XDDD and DONT WORRY BOUT SCREAMING ALOT- i scream a whole dam lot too XDD

and LEGITTT- finding someone's b-day in january and feb is so rare all of a sudden like wh a t - XDD

[melien]

I love how real your sims are? You know? Like their feelings and characters seem like real people and I'm so invested in what happens to them and what choices they make! I just love them all so much. I kinda missed the first time you did the Fletcher legacy but with the reboot I was worried I wouldn't grow as attached to the sims since I never read it the first time around and you proved me wrong! I love all your sims!

This is honestly the highest compliment to me and I'm so grateful. I'm a storyteller at heart and it means more to me having nicely developed and real characters than cute sim faces. I just love using the game as a storytelling device.

About the original Fletcher legacy, don’t worry, you didn't really miss much and for me the reboot is more fleshed out so I'm more proud of it, even if I'm taking my time with it. I'm not saying the original was bad, it was a nice experience and I'm often nostalgic about the times when I played it, but I was still in process of learning, especially when it comes to storytelling. Upon reading it a few months ago, I discovered that it was an okay legacy in general but a few generations weren't exactly what I want to portray on my blog. When I first noticed it, I was like “ugh well it was so long ago, I hope everyone eventually forgets about it” but I recently discovered that no, I'm not going to be silent, this stuff isn’t talked about often and maybe can help someone learn as well.

Big ramble incoming, but I needed to get it out because I find it important to talk about.

Back in the times I was somehow, probably influenced by many factors that I'm not going to go on forever about, was into those strongly fetishized m/m ships that had tons of unnecessary angst and had two attractive guys constantly yelling at each other for some dumb made-up reason, then banging, rinse, repeat (I was also into a few similar fandom ships that I now realise were super toxic, and saw multiple stories of that kind on simblr). This unhealthy dynamic was reflected in a few m/m ships of mine and their storylines (precisely two, though one more than the other, and some private ones with friends), and the contrast with the sweet and unproblematic m/f and f/f ships was obvious. It was wrong in so many ways that I'm not even going to list right now, maybe some other time. And the worst part? People enjoyed it and wanted more, my most messed up legacy storyline was also my most popular one back then. I still kinda feel like... you know, I contributed to getting the wrong message in people's heads, telling them that glorifying toxicity and fetishizing m/m ships is fine, and I still feel ashamed. But I'm trying very hard to redeem myself with the new storylines, because healthy relationship awareness means a lot to me.

So yeah, that was the biggest problem of the Fletcher original, I guess, and thankfully I grew from it and learned a lot since. Another one was possibly rather tasteless ns//fw scenes (at the time I somehow was sure everyone's into it), a bit of inconsistency with the storylines (as in, five generations with very few storytelling and then boom, heavy stories). Probably gen 6 story about the injured footballer too - I could have done it better, because it was a good and inspirational one overall, but my portrayal was more on the dramatic cringy side of the spectrum. Generally, I'm the person who sometimes has a hard time being confident about my own ideas, so even though I was always more into mature and inspiring storytelling, I saw a lot of trashy cheap angst around and tried to follow the steps of those writers because I was insecure about myself. You know, the ones who write heavy scenes but don't take it seriously and are like “haha, I'm so evil, I made my characters suffer and threw a lot of angst in their lives that doesn't even always make sense. Cool, am I right? Because this is what writing is for!”. Moral of the story - always stay true to yourself.

I also want to mention that I sometimes regret not continuing past gen 10, because the reasons why I didn’t now seem really stupid to me. But also, maybe it's for the better - Fletcher reboot is a new beginning of sorts, a breath of fresh air.

That being said, I heavily edited the original and completely removed the most problematic storylines: not because I want to hide this part of me (I'm pretty open about it and actually love analysing past mistakes), but because I didn't want to keep them on my blog anymore and wanted the “official” legacy version to be clear of them, they were quite out of place anyway. So, if you're ever up to going through like 200-something blog pages, you can check out the legacy (and see the improvement, hopefully 😅)

[disparais]

without them, there wouldn't be any of this

started this post whilst in the car, with my mother’s careless words ringing in my ears, but i later found the time to expound upon some other things. started off rambly, but i realized there was still a certain flow to my thoughts, so i threw in headers wherever appropriate during editing.

also. i was so upset when i first posted this pre-edit/organization (i left the post hanging while i was having lunch with my parents and then the worst stomachache of 2017 after - no idea what the pathophysiology was behind that one) that i forgot to format the post under a cut help

why i hate staying at home: (aka the catalyst for this post)

words have consequences hadghxnsb how can you say things like “i always cringe when people tell me i must be proud that my daughter’s in medical school because i think you’re going to flunk out” fuuuuck why am i even still surprised

scheduling and plans:

also a little unhappy with people who flake on plans. casual plans may be casual but i still take them as binding as long as a date has been set. and i don't appreciate clearing my schedule, especially where j is involved, only to be told that they've been cancelled. especially when it's because the people involved have knowingly made plans with other people. (double-booking is different, i guess, since it's unintentional. plus i’m guilty sometimes since my social calendar is nuts sometimes, so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad about that.)

[update: moments after mentioning double-booking, i realized i was supposed to do zumba with a for fc sigh this is why i said double-booking is unintentional.]

this cancellation just stings so much because it plays into my deepest insecurity, i guess, that i'm overinvested in the friendship and i just. care too much. i mean, why else would our plans matter so much to me and not to them?

and why does reciprocity matter so much to me, anyway? g said it best when she said that God’s love for us is unconditional and we should be striving to love others freely. logically i don’t think i impose any expectations on others in terms of gestures. it’s a scorpio thing to love deeply and jealously, and i need to learn to not be affected by others’ apathy/ignorance.

overly-full social calendar:

i don’t get how i can feel like i don’t have that many friends, even though my social calendar is frequently packed. i guess i really hardly see my close old friends like f, ly, l, h, m, a etc. these days. not forgetting assorted people like the lower-maintenance guys like j and j, and other people like d and k (who slept over recently! it was cool). also truly pleased with the direction suitefam is heading in (see section below).

was actually really pleasantly surprised when d realized i was in school last term (when i was on the way to meeting j) and wanted to meet me spontaneously, even if just for 15 mins (she dropped whatever she was doing and ran over). she said, amongst other things, that meeting me was grounding and calming. a clear 受宠若惊 moment for me, which gave me hope - maybe i do have something apart from sensible advice to offer people (gotta learn to curb my instinct to dispense it when unsolicited, though).

limited social energy:

(i only get to my point in the 4th paragraph tbh) increasingly annoyed with qx sometimes because i genuinely don’t care that much when he cancels on me (beginning to think sometimes that he’s not as important to me as everyone, myself included, thinks he is) bad thoughts stop here but i do care that he tries to foist me onto the next available person. i get that he flakes on people for family because he’s separated from them by a goddamn ocean and he clings onto them. i don’t get how he thinks forcing me to interact one-on-one with someone i’m not really close to is supposed to help my social reserves.

and that’s not even it - the day before, i asked if he wanted to do lunch after anat tutorial, and when he suggested la nonna and i agreed, he began scanning the place to determine who to ask along. what happened to the guy who ditched house lunches because he couldn’t be bothered to wait for them to eat and because he hated sitting on the floor? i’m beginning to think true as those excuses were, they were just flimsy cover-ups for his initial loneliness whilst he was trying to fit in.

honestly happy with the way i am right now in uni - no longer fomo with regards to most things (apart from suitefam HAHA), and far more fiercely independent than before. just a little disappointed in qx in terms of how susceptible to peer pressure in terms of wanting to fit in and all he turned out to be, though i guess it’s sort of understandable since these are truly all the people he has. i probably take my social network for granted sometimes.

after all of this rambling, i mostly wanted to say that i am bone-tired dealing with people from medicine. i hardly find deep/stimulating discussion with these people (my immediate peers) and instead i have to put up with banter and it is. so tiRING

the difficult part is dealing with people like qx who inadvertently worsen the situation by open-jioing people to most things we do. it already costs me to initiate an interaction with someone regardless of whether or not we’re close, and unless you know you’re jio-ing someone else i’m close to, you should know that your “inclusiveness” comes at a relatively hefty cost to me.

and the worst part is when i explicitly expressed my exhaustion (rare, unless my walls are down - suitefam sees me at my most tired and vulnerable tbh) and he said “yeah, yeah, i understand” and i disagreed and HE INSISTED HE DID, and still wanted to invite someone. WHAT EVEN I CAN’T he should have seen me the night of my 5.30am htht with kt. i bet i looked like a complete wreck at 1+ when i showed up at her doorstep but thank goodness for people like 2/5 of suitefam around whom i am comfortable ♥

tl;dr introvert invisibility is real extroverts please don’t pretend to be introverts just because it’s cool and counterculture kthxbai.

suitefam:

truly pleased with the direction suitefam is heading in - definitely getting closer to g + kt every day, and this week we even got to hear from c and s.

suddenly realized that suitefam has opened up a whole host of opportunities for me to indulge my love language in terms of gifts as i’m now able to grab something simple on the way back to share with the suite/drop things in peoples’ buckets/run into my room to calligraph a quick thank-you note. didn’t use to think i was really into gift-giving as a gesture of love as compared with the other 4 love languages, but suitefam is really challenging that self-perception. always good to develop another love language, anyway.

also being reminded very keenly on how much touch is a love language for me, in the sense that if my walls come down far enough for me to be comfortable with personal touch (2/5 of suitefam - naturally, since they’re the people i’m closer to), it is a very rare and precious and lovely thing; touch, even unintentional, is so inexplicably comforting and comfortable for me.

j’s birthday:

i was not mentally prepared to have to celebrate with j on monday and now i need to whip something up asap omG I AM FREAKING OUT HERE what am i even supposed to get him?? (update: that’s right i got him pretty much the same thing i got for my ex previously. smh why am i so goddamn practical and uncreative)

going to ilight with him tomorrow though so that’s a plus - self-reminder to pick a suitable outfit and i guess tomorrow’s going to be burnt on making his card. i sometimes wonder whether we’re truly a good match for each other or not aaa the low-maintenance thing is definitely a pro in friendships but i’m beginning to wonder if it’s okay for us or not since we aren’t just friends after all.

conclusion:

i just want to study for pros and not have to deal with all this omg i swear after tmr i'm just going to buckle down and study because life and socialization is so not worth it sometimes really a little hurt and not ready to deal with the people mentioned in this post for now but it's hard because i do love them (love is not a word i use lightly) but all this is making me wonder if i’m equally loved i guess