#I have been trying to be a pinkie pie for 10 fucking years. over a third of my fucking life bc I want to be that for people

[hellfire--hearts]

idk how I should say "this was supposed to be me, I was supposed to be a beacon of joy for my friends, and I was supposed to have so many people I love that love me too, and I was supposed to actually bring people joy and lots of it, but then i came out of of my birthgiver autistic and proceeded to have every ounce of sunshine and any sort of social competence beaten from me by my own parents, my peers, and whoever thought they couldnt possibly continue life without molesting a 3 year old" without crying but

[mygeekcorner]

eight shows to get to know me. allegedly.

Tagged by @silversoulstardust

Babe what does this even mean??? What do you mean “get to know me”?? Shows that are the reason that I am the way I am?? That make people watch them and then go “yeah this explains so much about you”? Blorbos I project too hard on?? The vibes? The core memories??? The quoteability?? Which ones make me scream out loud the most?? What does it all mean?? You already follow my blog, you know which shows I'm obsessed with, but what shows do even give insight into anything besides what I like in stories??

But uh yeah. My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Easy pick. Whatever reasoning you want from the potential meanings of this tag game up there, it has it. The first three seasons are so good! Though I did drop it when Twlight became an alicorn, that just felt too much toy-selling show to me personally, same with equestria girls. But like I grew up watching old school MLP (G1), and I adored it. Then I reach 20 and suddenly FiM (G4 for those keeping track) comes out and it is such a gigantic blast from the past and damn if I didn't get hooves over head from the start. I was obsessed. I was one of the “mods are asleep, post ponies” people. And the way they fucking based Pinkie Pie on me? Like right down to the Pinkamena rock farm backstory? Scary stuff right there I’m tellinng you. 

But 7 other shows to pick?

Monarch of the Glen is an old show, and I will admit that I haven’t Really watched it since I was in school but it has stayed in the back of my mind since I was like 10 so. I never cared for the main couple, as characters they are fine but even back then it felt like a “oh yeah, here’s two pretty people from opposite genders (and social status) and so we have to make them get together” which was Not what the show was about To Me! But just all the other interpersonal relationships? The parents romantic relationship? Top notch.  The struggle of trying to please your parents but still doing your own thing? Trying to find out what that thing is? It does never get old. Also I had the biggest crush on Duncan and that does tell you so much about my type still lol

Galavant released the trailer and at first glance everyone already knew it was a very Me show. I’m not sure what it says about me, but it fits me very well. With the sense of humour, disney references, bursting into unprompted song, wanting to dress like a ren fair character, horseback riding, daring sword fights. A prince in disguise! I mean what. I don’t project on anyone super hard, but I do vibe like crazy to the whole thing, and the soundtrack is a banger that never truly leaves my brain.

Scrubs might just look like the silly little doctor comedy show, and it is! But it also has SO MUCH heart and I just love the lessons it comes with. Again, it’s been a hot minute since I watched it so I won’t vouch for how well the humour has aged, but that was never the point of the show either. The point of the show was watching people care about each other in all different kinds of relationships and so many of the more heartfelt exchanges still live in my soul even now. Like that time JD went to the “evil lab guy” everyone was scared of because he didn’t want his patient to have what the results said they did and the lab guy asked “do you Think I made a mistake or do you Hope I did?” and JD just said “I’m kinda hoping you did” and the whole scene softened and lab guy did the test again. I don’t know, that scene has lived rent-free in my mind for like 20 years whenever I hope things aren’t as bad as they seem, hoping that some higher power lab guy will take pity on me and say they mixed some tests up.

Malcolm in the middle is again just that silly chaotic show from when we were kids - sibling edition - but again it just has so much heart and I don’t know. Watching it again as an adult, yes sure, it has aged, but the big bits stay the same. How the parents Chose each other every day. How the kids might beat each other up with bricks but wouldn’t hesitate to turn to arson if anybody else tried to do the same to their brothers? Yes, it means a lot and even though I might not have “learned” as much from it as Scrubs, it still resonates with me about how growing up felt.

Until We Meet Again because at my heart I am a hopeless romantic who wants to believe in soulmates. It’s a pretty recent show in general, and I only watched it a year ago, but it felt like it understood me more than I understood it, so it is on this list anyway. But I will always hope that if someone meant enough to you and you meant enough to them you Will find your way back to each other, in this life or the next. Not saying this show didn’t absolutely destroy me, I spent 3 hours just crying and shaking after the first episode, and I think I spent a majority of the show being a dehydrated little blob, but it was so worth it. To watch both timelines fall in love and choose each other? To watch the modern timeline have friends and be happy among more than just each other? Everything I could have asked for. 12/10. For real.

Not sure what Goblin has to say about me. We’re all depressed and deserve a good cry and a hug? I guess it means that there is always hope for things to get better, in some way. Even if it doesn’t come about as you thought it would, or when you hoped. But there is always someone out there who cares about you, whether or not you know they do.

I can’t believe I almost forgot about Black Books! Fran is me and I will turn into Fran if bf ever does leave me rip. For real. I even used to have a marriage pact with a friend who was just like Bernard that stated if we both reach our 40s and are single we can be drunk and miserable together. So many of these moments get referenced on a daily basis in our home, everything from how “on no accounts must they know the real you!” to the Cleaner. Yes, if you watch this show it will explain so much about me. (Please don’t do that)

Okay, yeah. This only took like 4 days to complete lmao. Might have taken it a bit more serious than intended, but the theme of the game is just to wide and I didn’t only want “these are the shows I’m currently obsessing over” cause yall already follow me and know which ones those are.

Anyway to pass this on - and feel free to not take it as deadly serious as I did unless you are so inclined - I am now tagging @krippe90 @jacquelinesrumbottle @hobbitsus @imaginarydragonling @tbiris @ablazenqueen @topcatnikki @7nessasaryevils @wanderingwistfulness @happygomadhatter @nevergonnafallfor @genderfluid-faerie-bf and anybody else who might want to play

Edit: added links to the shows~~

[normieexclusive]

How My MC wins the boys over:

Ah, um, this really went off from the original story line. This was also supposed to be a short simple thing but then I started thinking and two hours later Im left with a bunch of messy notes and thoughts

The first to fall victim is:

Mammon turns out to be easy, literally MC just shows him an ounce of kindness and he takes it and runs. 

Unconsciously MC gets much softer around him then the others (A combination of total trust in him and wanting to show how much love he deserves despite his brothers treating him harshly) 

 hes the one that gets the most kisses, the most hugs, and its great for them at first because they get to make fun of the dumb ass second born getting doted on but some silly little human and (while denying it constantly) loving it. 

But then the others start to actually like MC and Mammon can nearly feel the six pairs of eyes glaring him down as his Human showers him with all the affection before going about their day. 

(There’s one moment where, while Mammons sitting on the floor and MC is on the bed and he's making fun of one of his brothers that MC just grabs him by the back of his shirt collar- with only a finger- pulls him in between her legs (So his back is to her) and gives him a kiss on the top of his head as she coos "Mammon, be nice to your brothers" and he shuts down for the rest of the day) 

Second, but the bestest of friends!:

With Levi its by being a grade A nerd and overthinking.

 She reads all of TSL for their big quiz, and watches the movies with Beel and mammon, but on top of that the nerd goes back to the books and starts to annotate everything. 

She starts digging for any bit of subtext she can find and jotting down notes in the margins, in her notebook, on sticky notes. 

It becomes enough of an issue that she has to buy a new set because the first (Old and used) ones she got off of akuzon are ruined with her messy scrawling.

 During the quiz they are evenly matched (if only because shes given such easy questions. Shes pissed but at the same time oh gosh she is really not up to Levis level) and somewhere along the way she just... Goes off about this theory of hers and reading the subtext because she needs to get this out and it seems like Levis the only one that can really keep up with her 

(She tried to talk to Mammon and Beel but, honestly, they're as helpful as you'd think)

 She forgets about the whole quiz and yanks out her vandalized book in order to debate with Levi about a part. Levi is horrified at the state of her TSL book and nearly goes apeshit right there, but then she shows just how much of a nerd she truly is by showing him the much nicer version she brought along

("And its even signed! Can you believe that! I didn't order a signed one cause they were too expensive but somehow the boxes must have gotten switched up! Ah! Levi! You have a shrine in you're room for them right! You should have these copies, I think you'll take more care of them then I can!")

Whenever they have a conversation its gibberish to everyone around them but they get it and that’s what matters.

(They spend nights just in his room and no one knows what they're doing so they assume the worst. The others always send Levi dirty looks when it happens, and Levi always looks a little more refreshed after every one.

They're having anime/gaming/TSL marathons but Levi lives for the jealousy that rolls off his brothers so hes not telling them anytime soon)

Somewhere starting after her pact with Levi and after the Lucifer/Satan Body switch:

The whole fiasco with Levi actually leads to Satan warming up to her!

 He had initially brushed her off as a soon to be Lucifer Lapdog (and also kind of dumb) but now he's interested. 

Someone whos capable of dissecting a book like that has to at least have some ability to reason, he just cant figure out if that moment was a fluke or if shes actually smart. 

He refuses to start a conversation with her like a normal person and instead resorts to pranking her at every opportunity hoping to see if she’ll think her way out of it (He does leave some hints for when ones about to happen, but gets frustrated when she walks right past them)

 It backfires on him tremendously because, somehow, they never seem to work! it goes to the point where it becomes rube goldberg levels of pranks that are always almost-but-not-quite misses because she bent down at just the right time to pick up a shiny rock. 

Satan is at his wits end and ready to rip someone apart

 his pranks start to extend to the others, it’s only after mammon mentions such that it finally clicks in her...

That same day she willingly walks into a pie in the face and Satan nearly cries. 

After he starts to rile her up more often with words. He learns very quickly that she is a fantastic debate partner and, if he can find the right button to push, he’ll get her going for hours as they go back and forth

(And!! Even better!! Not only does she listen to everything he says and waits her turn! But Shes willing to change her opinion when she thinks he has a better point. When she loses She’ll come back hours later to drag more information out of him.

That’s usually not the case though, because Satan finds way too much enjoyment out of playing devils advocate and will simply choose whatever is opposition her POV. 

He tried to argue about how she couldn't possibly like a flavor of candy she was eating because he didn't like it and nearly gave her an aneurysm)

(To his complete embarrassment, though, he has gotten hard during one of their debates and nearly lost because she looked fucking amazing as she shouted at him)

A bond that starts right at their first meeting and grows throughout her entire time there:

Beel is scary at first, and Lucifer- for some forsaken reason- made it her job to make sure Beel doesn't clean out the fridge every single day.

Shes scared of the man that seemed more then willing to eat her, but shes more scared of whatever punishment Lucifer would deal if she didn't at least try.

 So she goes

 It only takes her one run in with Beel and his puppy dog eyes (Because how could she just stop him like that!! How awful of her!!) for her to figure out that

 A: this man is harmless and...

B:she knows what hunger pains feel like and the guilt wells up

Still she knows she can let him go so she spends her grimm allowance on buying ingredients to cook with and makes him huge meals as "offerings"

 It doesn't always stop him from eating half the fridge, but sometimes it seems like he's willing to actually savor what she makes. 

It gives her enough time to save the ingredients for dinner that night. (and If Beel sometimes wanders over to the kitchen while shes watching so shell make something for him, well there’s no harm done

The bastard pavlov dogged her and shes none the wiser) 

Slow and steady, the pieces fall into place naturally:

Asmo turns out to be another easy one, to her shock.

Even with MCs jealousy over how stunning Amso looks and how easy it is for him... they just seem to drift to each other

Starts with a comment on Asmos sharp eyeliner one day, and Asmo asking MC what shampoo she uses. 

Then the next day the same brand shampoo (And conditioner) will be left outside his door. And after MC will walk into the bathroom first thing in the morning only to wonder whom the fuck applied eyeliner to her in her sleep

It starts with days where they greet each other in the morning, to Stopping to chat for a few moments before heading on with their morning routine, to them walking down together, to Asmo fussing over her disheveled look after just waking up ‘-seriously Asmo not everyone can just roll out of bed like some Demons and look stunning’ - to ‘MC move over a scooch I need more room’ ‘Asmodeus this is my bed’ ‘Well how are we both supposed to fit when its so small!’, to weekly spa days and Gossiping about the others.

Its such an smooth transition that they both feel like it had always been as it was- two friends whispering secrets to each other late at night, pinky promises made over arbitrary things, laying so close that they can feel the others breathing. If maybe he leaned in a little closer they would--

--Oh... She fell asleep again. 

And he curls up next to her, blanket wrapped around both of them (That is, until Asmo hogs it later) and sleeps peacefully

A build up of trust, and a moment of venerability that finally knocks down his walls:

Swallows her pride for Lucifer

Its hard to explain in words for her, but she tells him of her family.

A family that is good but dosnt care, that used to leave her alone for hours on end when she was far too young. She says it with a smile too, admits that it helped her become as independent as she was, that she could cook for herself before she was 10.

She tells him of her younger brother. Someone she tried her best to love as much as she could only for him to, one day, just stop talking to her. Years trying to build back an abruptly cut connection only for him to snap one day and change his tune to something much worse. A family that watched as he screamed at her, berated her and never did anything. How she still stood tall, how she swallowed back every tear and tried to talk to him with a steady voice- only for him to become angrier.

How, when he did try to snap at other members, she was always there to stand between them. How she was the one to chase him off or take the yelling despite her family never doing the same for her. How she was the stable rock of the family where no one was for her.

Physical violence was only once, but it was enough for her to know things would never change.

She was like him in a way, same but different.

and She cant bear to see the same thing happen to him.

She wants to help, she knows shes just a little, useless human but please she needs to help. She cant bare leaving another broken family behind without helping. Her life had been stagnate before them, unbearably lonely, and she just wants them to be happy, even if that means without her

 even if it means she has to shove her nose where it doesn't belong

So... please... Please... Talk to Belphie. Please. He said he just wants to tal--

(She had earned Lucifer's respect not too long ago, and - to everyone's shock- the revel of what she came upon does not bring upon Lucifer's fury. Instead, he feels a deep understanding that he’ll never say aloud

Shes still going to get lectured, though. But he is too.) 

It takes time:

Spends what probably amounted to most of her time in Devildom with that little fu--

(No, No. Belphie needs help, she needs to reel it in for now.)

She gets what it means to be lonely. Despite her distrust of the man who caged up in a place where the bad people are, you know, supposed to be caged up and tutored feels like she needs to do something- if only to make sure he doesn't lose his mind from the isolation.  

(Rethinks a lot of her life and how she spent just hiding away from everything. How she would lock her door and never come out unless the sounds of another fight reached her. Thought about how it probably messed her up more then shes willing to admit and refuses to let the same thing happen to him

Oh sweet summer child)

Less trusting of him when its reviled that hes the seventh born, but more willing to help. If only for Beels sake

Brings stuff up to his room, a toy, a fluffy blanket, food that she snagged last minute. He complains hes cold one day and she yanks off her own sweater for him

(It all gets flushed down the toilet when she leaves, he scrubs his skin raw thinking about how his room smells disgustingly like that fucking human now) 

And then, one day, it just... changes: 

A human stands between him and the fucker that locked him up in there, his brothers that never knew he was there. All of them watching him with such pity in their eyes and he didnt want it- he didnt want their p-

The door was unlocked.

He was free.

Just like that.

it made no sense. He learns that they-- She-- spent hours dancing around Diavolo, deals were made. A room where it was just her and The Prince of Hell, promises not even Lucifer knew (And some part of Belphie relished in the fact that it was eating away at the fucker) 

("All those hours shouting at each other paid off” She looks to Satan with a smile. A joke he was not privy to. Lucifer huffed but said nothing. 

How much had changed since he was locked up?) 

A slow, downward spiral 

They're never alone, someone is always with her or with him (Beel sticks to his side like glue. after so long he finally gets to sleep next to his brother again) 

He finds food in the fridge with the words “For Beel <3″ in this awful chicken scratch handwriting. Mammon’s screaming interrupts his naps one day and he wakes up to see her smothering the second born in kisses. Her shouting wakes him up as her and Satan pass, her voice becoming high pitched as they argue about... the number of toes humans are supposed to have???? (she sits down next to him and rips off her shoes in a fit of rage, demanding that Belphie count with her because what the fuck-

Satan sneers at her feet and tells the only actual toes are her two big ones, the rest are just digits.)

There’s traces of her everywhere. Layers of clothing haphazardly thrown about after a day at RAD and then neatly placed away. A mention of her name at the dinner table before shes there. Not even his and beels room is safe from her- he can smell her scent on Beels pillow. Faint, but a awful reminder of the human down the hall. 

He hates it, he wants to throw it all away. He wants to erase her memory from his home, he wants to ripe her apa--

A blanket is draped over him one day, and he cant bring himself to open his eyes to see who did it...

She talks to him, Or more like at him. The longer he stays freed the harder is it to hide his distaste towards Humanity and- especially- to her. He thinks shes dense, because he knows his brothers sense there’s something wrong (Levis tail wraps around her when hes too close, Lucifer stands between them, Amso pulls her by the waist. Close to him, further from belphie) But she doesn't. She pushes closer. She asks him questions.

She never touches him, one small blessing in Hell. 

Beel believes him when he bashfully admits one night that he may start to enjoy his time spent with human. And for a moment he feels guilty about the lie but its all for a greater goal

When its just the three of them, Beel leaves for a moment too long. To get snacks, to grab something from another room, it doesn't matter. This was the moment he waited for. 

She smiles at him, all kind and gentle (And the words that leave her lips are unheard through the blood rushing through his ears) and leans forward

He puts his hands around her neck

She goes limp.

He-

He needed to-

He couldn’t squeeze.

Beel comes back with the biggest grin on his face, arms full of snacks (”Here MC I got your favorite”) He sits on the opposite side of Belphie, leaning into him with enough weight that his own shoulder presses against MCs, mushing her against the wall. 

Despite her smile he can feel her shaking.

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Times Like These - LRH Chapter 3 - Emo bitch who threw coffee in your face.

Audrey was used to receiving strange looks when she was out in public. Even if she wasn't pushing a stroller or carrying her daughter on her hip, the near 20 year old often received many stares from people older than her, younger than her and even those her age.

Currently, she was running on 3 and a half hours of sleep, she had oatmeal on the sleeve of her jacket and she had enough anger composed on her small body to lead a one-woman charge on the armies of Octavian at the battle of Actium.

She had barely made it through her 9 AM Roman history lecture only to rush need to pick Lexi up from her daycare and meet Michael for lunch before heading into work for the afternoon.

Thankfully, she had tomorrow off to spend with Lexi and her textbooks. Although she would much rather the former, she had aspirations. And she refused to let those aspirations derail.

She was told by her father, when she announced her pregnancy to her parents, that she would never be able to make it anywhere in life.

She was determined to prove him wrong. Her 10 year plan to raise her daughter and complete a degree of psychology with a focus on adolescents.

She was going to help kids in the way she wasn't helped.

She had not long ago picked Lexi up, stopping to plan a movie night with Jeremy and Marianne before she left. Just as she had stepped into the cafe near the tattoo parlor, her phone chimed. A single message from Michael.

Is it alright if the guys come to lunch? They're dying to see you and Lex.

She couldn't deny that she enjoyed spending time with Ashton and Calum. And she knew Lexi loved to see her Uncle Michael and self-declared Uncle Calum, so her reply was a quick "Sure, see you soon X" before she slid her phone into the pocket of her khaki canvas jacket.

Unfortunately, just as she had turned, small brunette girl on her hip and a coffee and cupcake juggling in her full hands, she met eyes with the same ones she had thrown coffee in a week prior.

"You?"

"Me?" She replied, confused at the purpose of his question.

His blue eyes moved from her own green ones to the brown eyes of her little girls, then back to her own green ones.

If the tall man wasn't standing in her way, she would have walked out of his view, but unfortunately there was only so much she could do while juggling everything in her hands.

She's only thankful that Alexis had naturally started to grip into whatever article of clothing her mother was wearing, as a small assurance that her daughter wouldn't hit the ground straight away if she by chance lost her grip.

"Excuse me?" Her words were sharp, and she gestured around him with her eyes.

The blonde man simply grunted. Stepping aside and gesturing for her to walk with a bored expression on his face.

Audrey couldn't help but notice the way his blonde hair fell flat against his forehead. His black lip ring stood out against his light pink lips and the dirty blonde stubble that shadowed his jawline.

Lexi babbled at the man, reaching out for him as they stepped past. Shockingly to Audrey, the man laughed softly and raised his hand for a high-five from her daughter, to which the small girl obliged, clapping afterwards.

She found a table towards the back of the establishment, and dropped her bag on the back of one of the seats before trying to place everything down as gracefully as she could.

A blur of pink hair appeared beside her, wrapping his arms around the girl on her hip as an excited squeal fell from her lips.

Michael pulled the babe into a bear hug, and Lexi giggled at the sight of her uncle.

"There's my little munchkin!" He grumbled, peppering kisses to his nieces cheeks.

"Mike!" Alexis chanted, kicking her feet in excitement.

This gave Audrey the chance to retrieve one of the many high chairs the cafe had tucked to the side, and when she came back Ashton was holding her daughter in his arms while Michael helped Calum bring over multiple cups of coffee.

"Hello, assholes," she quipped, watching as Ashton settled the girl into the chair and passed over the cupcake, which he remembered to break into smaller pieces.

Calum gasps, feigning offense, "watch it Bilbo."

"Bilbo? That's a new one. What, you manage to sit through a movie that doesn't have boobs?"

"No, I just told him we were watching Game of Thrones and he was patiently waiting to see the blonde lady's boobs," Ashton answered, lowering his voice at the last few words.

Lexi has a tendency to repeat words that her uncles say, specifically. The young girl is quickly getting the hang of her words, and while it is a milestone, Audrey isn't fond of her daughter blurting out words like 'Dick' or 'Fuck' in the middle of daycare or a crowded supermarket.

Michael handed out the cups of coffee, and Audrey's eyes focused on the remaining fifth cup.

The top read 'Flat White, two sugars' which was the furthest from her order of a double shot Long black.

She loved a strong coffee.

"What's with the fifth cup? You know Lexi can't drink coffee, right?" She smirked at the men.

It wouldn't be the first time they had received to feed her daughter something she couldn't have because of her age.

"It's for Luke, he's in the bathroom," Michael answered, watching as Lexi lobbed a piece of frosting at Calum.

The kiwi boy whined childishly, only to be mimicked by Lexi who shook her head around with a smile on her face.

"Ash, can you pull her hair back please? She'll get frosting in it," Audrey pulled a band from her tattooed wrist, handing it off to the man before turning back to Mike. "The same Luke that you've been friends with for like five years but he is never around?"

"You are correct, young Clifford," Ashton quips, his hands fumbling with the hair at the top of Lexi's head. Her hair wasn't long by any means, but it was long enough to get caught up her food of she made enough of a mess. "I can't do this. Babies are difficult." Ashton raised his hands in defeat, passing the band back to Audrey who sighed at the man.

She busied herself with the task, barely hearing when Michael exclaimed, "Here comes Lucifer now."

"Quit calling me that, pinkie pie," a voice sounded, but her blue hair shielded her view while she finally secured Lexi's hair.

The girl kicked her legs again, squealing with excitement.

When Audrey pushed her hair from her face, her expression dropped into one of shock, and annoyance.

"You," she gaped, practically groaning at the sight of  the tall man that had managed to make a bad impression a week prior.

He sighed deeply when he noticed the blue hair and tattooed collarbones. His gaze lingered particularly on the thin cursive 'Alexis' that curled along the bone.

"Me."

"Luke, I'm guessing you already know the hobbit-"

She smacked Calum in the ear, rolling her eyes as a snort left his nose.

"Unfortunately, I do," he mumbled, shifting his eyes to the glare that Michael fixed him with.

"What do you mean 'unfortunately'?" It was no secret that the man was protective of his sister, despite her being younger than him by only two years.  That was clear when he left her ex with a black eye and various other facial wounds when the incident happened. "You two better not have boned!"

Audrey was not in the mood to deal with the drama today. She rolled her eyes at her brother, taking her seat next to her Ashton, who along with Calum had flanked the high chair.

They were preferring to pay more attention to the small child rather than the awkward impending conversation.

"I think I have better taste than that, Michael," she groaned.

"What? Luke is a way better catch than-" he stopped at the glare she fixed him with.

He knew not to mention that name. It was a worse omen than mumbling Lord Voldemort at Hogwarts.

"What I meant, Michael," Luke stole the conversation back from the siblings, "Is that your sister is the one who ruined my favourite shirt."

He was all but glaring a hole through the blue haired woman's head, and she smirked at the memory of their interaction a week prior.

"You're saying that Audrey is the 'emo bitch who threw coffee in your face'?" Michael used his fingers to gesture quotation marks, and a Audreys smirk widened at the thought of striking a chord so deep in Luke that he whined to her brother.

Luke made a noise of agreement, watching as the three men erupted into laughs and cheers, high-fiving the woman.

"That's my girl!" Ashton giggled, leaning back do Lexi could raise her hand for a high-five as well.

"Why did I even come today?" Luke groaned, already regretting his decision.

He could be at home, sleeping. Or better yet, he could have Mandy over. He needed to release his pent up stress.

"Because you live with us but barely acknowledge our existence so you need to show us love every single often," Calum answered, leaving no room for argument in his statement. "And Ashton gathered us all here, and what Daddy says, goes."

Audrey sputtered around the liquid in her mouth, coughing as she tried to force air to enter her lungs again.

"Daddy?" She cringed.

"Yes, dear?" The man giggled, brushing his sandy blonde hair from his eyes, earning an eye roll from Audrey.

Luke fixed his mind elsewhere, focusing instead on a message Mandy had sent him.

It was a suggestive photo, and while he couldn't stand the forwardness of the woman, he promised to see her soon. He couldn't wait to get away from the group. The only one who hadn't gotten on his nerves was the small child who had spent most of the time pulling faces at him, to which he returned with a smile.

"Can we get on with it, please? I've got somewhere to be," Luke groaned, watching as his three friends exchanged a look before ushering Ashton to speak.

"Okay, seeing as Luke needs to leave to fulfill his dick appointment, let's get down to business. I'm moving out."

Audreys brows rose. She figured the first to move out of their shared house would be Michael.

"KayKay and I are going to live together in her apartment, so in a month I'll move in with her," he was beaming. Michael had mentioned Ashton's girlfriend, and Audrey thought she sounded really cool. They had very similar style, and Audrey could appreciate somebody who enjoyed an edgy dress sense. "So Mike, Cal and I were thinking, how would you like to take my room, Audrey? You won't need to contribute the to rent for the first two months, coz I've paid in advance already, but we know you're dying to get out of your dad's house."

She was at a loss of words. It didn't happen often, for the girl often had something on her mind that she wanted to say, but she didn't know how to respond to the offer.

She didn't notice how Luke's face dropped at Ashton's words. He didn't want to live with a girl, let alone a girl and her kid. Even if the kid was adorable and calm.

His mood dropped completely at her next words.

"Uh, yeah? Sure, that would be amazing!"

[1dffexchange]

To: Zohra @gonebutstill​ 

From: Brianne @tiostyles​

Summary: When new neighbors move in across the hall from them, Harry and Lin are at each other's throats to impress them. Harry seems to always be one step ahead of her, but Lin is determined to not let him win the title of best neighbor.

“What are you doing?” She muttered in a low volume, just to Harry, but still with quite a vicious tone that he definitely deserved.

“Being neighborly.”

“Looks more like desperate bribery.”

Harry leaned in closer and kept his eyes on Tom, who was scrawling on a pad of paper at his kitchen counter, to make absolutely sure that the next thing to come out of his mouth was heard by her ears only, “‘Least I don’t fancy my married neighbor.”

Author’s Note: I went a little out of the box from your original prompt, but I still hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it! I hope you had a really great new year and I hope 2019 is going well for you!

Picking out the perfect dessert at the bakery section of Costco to buy for her new neighbor across the hall was a lot more intricate than she realized. Thinking back to when Harry had first moved in, Lin had brought him a mug and some tea instead. But, seeing as the set was still sat in the far corner of his counter, untouched, she figured it was best not to repeat old mistakes.

Although, skimming across all the pies and cookies and muffins the store offered she seriously considered sticking to the tea. What if the new neighbor was allergic to gluten? Or chocolate? What if they hated raisins? What if they hated her for brining raisins to their doorstep?

“Fuck,” she mumbled quietly under her breath, though it wasn’t silent enough when an innocent child found himself in the crosshairs of her sudden outburst. He gave Lin a funny look while she was too caught up in deciding between a six-pack of chocolate-filled croissants or a container of assorted cookies. Or maybe a raspberry-filled danish would be the smarter choice.

“Should’ve guessed I’d run into you at the sweets section.”

Lin just about tore out of her skin when Harry stood right next to her, running his mouth like he was really trying to give her a heart attack.

“Scared the shit outta me,” she eyed him while he, too, browsed the vast array of decisions in front of them, with her hand on her chest to feel just how sped up her poor little heart had gotten, “and what exactly do you mean by that?” She threw her full offense at him, hand on her hip and everything.

“You invite me over for dessert almost every night.” Harry reached out for the most delicious-looking apple pie, and while she was unsure what he planned on doing with it, she didn’t bother to question him as he placed it in his empty shopping cart.

“And you reject me almost every night,” she reminded him.

“S’good practice.”

“Piss off.”

“Oh, I would, but seeing as you don’t own a car, it’d be quite rude of me to let you Uber yourself home with all that shit.” He nodded toward her cart and the growing pile of junk she had accumulated during her “quick” Costco trip that started over an hour ago.

“I don’t need a ride from you.” Without giving him any bit of satisfaction by looking his way as he grinned at her characteristic stubbornness, she settled on the raspberry danishes and added it to her own basket.

He followed beside her as she wheeled herself off to the next section, “Probably not, but you do want a ride from me.” She didn’t even have to see his face to know his comment was laced with innuendo, whether he’d admit it or not.

“Ew, I can’t fucking believe I share a wall with you,” Lin parked her cart in front of the the strawberries, Harry following and watching as she bent over to give them all a good inspection until she found just the right box of undamaged berries. Of course, he was giving her ass a pretty good inspection as well.

“I don’t hear you complaining when it’s late and you’re out of butter.”

“The whole floor complains when it’s late and you have what’s-her-face over,” turning back to her cart, and to Harry, they both swapped teasing looks at each other like they were rivaling  10-year old siblings because Harry had lost that one.

“I was going to say something about you, but it’s kind of hot.”

“What?” Walking up the main section between dairy products and frozen foods, Lin was too distracted by what she might need from any of the aisles to fully process what Harry was getting at.

Until he leaned closer to her and made a buzzing sound right in her ear.

And with a quick shove of his shoulder, she pushed him right into an undeserving older customer who just about had a real heart attack. Waving an apology at the poor old woman across Harry’s cart, while he snickered, she felt the embarrassment doubling in size.

Once they had moved on from that incident, she hit his shoulder with a little less passion this time, “The fuck are you listening to me?”

“The walls are pretty thin… and you’re not exactly quiet.”

Her cheeks were bright red and she felt like disappearing off the face of the planet just then so that no one knew anything about her anymore. So that she no longer had to stomach the fact that Harry knew too much about what she did in her apartment right next-door to his. The hardest piece to swallow was that she’d been so carelessly loud enough for him to hear in the first place.

He recognized her dimness and hesitation like he was staring at the back of his hand, however. “Sorry… s’nothing to be ashamed of… like I said, I think it’s hot.”

“Don’t really care what you think.” She steered them down the hygiene aisle, the last stop on her trip, to locate a new pack of toothpaste.

“Well I care what you think… especially while you’re…” he raised a suggestive eyebrow and that just about did it for her.

“Fuck,” she smacked his chest with her open hand, not even coming close to hurting him however, “off,” another smack. “I fucking hate you.”

“This is a family store, Adeline.”

“You’re the one talking about masturbation in the middle fo Costco, Harry,” she kept her voice down as a middle-aged mom wandered down their aisle.

“We could talk about it tonight at your place instead if you’d like.”

“It’d have to be my place because a damn hurricane blew through your apartment.”

“Was that a yes then?”

“Hell no.”

There was no amount of convincing that could’ve stopped Harry from helping Lin unload her items into the trunk of his car. They were friends, after all, even if they did often throw around harmless jokes at the other’s expense.

“M’not really a fan of danishes, to be honest.” Harry placed in the box she’d bought with everything else as well, emptying the cart and closing the lid to the trunk.

“Good, they’re not for you.”

He cocked an eyebrow, ready to question her further, but she was already off to the cart return without an explanation. They had combined carts when Harry was awkwardly rolling around a lonely apple pie, so as she made her way across the parking lot aisle, he rolled his eyes and got himself situated in the driver’s seat. Unlocking all the doors for her, he warmed up the car and flipped the radio from the popular station to the one that played seventies and eighties oldies that Lin usually preferred.

Harry did as well, he had just been in the mood for Ariana Grande and Post Malone on the drive to Costco.

“Who are they for then?” He was positive he already knew her answer, but he still oddly found himself worried she’d bought desserts for a new secret boyfriend.

“What?” Their previous conversation had completely slipped her mind when she was pulling her seatbelt on and adjusting the vents that blew cold air in her face.

“The danishes.”

She sat back in her seat, buckled in and ready to go, eyes finding his as she wondered why he cared and why he hadn’t left yet. Or at least put the car in reverse. “Not that it’s any of your business but it’s for the new neighbor.”

“Neighbors,” he emphasized the plural, finally making a move to get them out of the horrendously busy Costco parking lot while a wave of relief washed over him that Lin did not, in fact, have a new boyfriend.

Not that he should care.

“There’s more people moving in? To what room?”

“No… it’s two people moving in across the hall. They’re married.”

“How do you know that?”

“I met them when I got home from work.”

“Jesus,” she glanced out the window while he stopped at the red light that kept them imprisoned inside the parking lot. “I feel bad for them. Their first impressions of their new home had to be you.”

“Oi! Better than you and your fucking danishes.” He made a disgusted face as he followed the cars ahead of him through the green light onto the main street, now only a few minutes from their building. “Not even gluten free, are they?”

“I’m sure I can find some gluten-free danishes to shove up your-“

Her knuckles hit their wood door four times, feeling as if she’d overdone it after the second knock with the intense nerves stirring around in her stomach. And if she wasn’t so competitive, she would have asked Harry to come along with her, but there was no way she’d let him steal the ‘nicest neighbor’ title from her.

“Hi… can I help you?” Her nerves skyrocketed when the presumed husband opened the door in front of her and she forgot everything she wanted to say that she’d rehearsed the past hour. Even if he was married, he was incredibly handsome and she completely lost her train of thought.

“Um, I… I’m uh…”

“Oh! You must be from across the hall! Addy, was it?”

Now she was very visibly bewildered. “It’s Adeline, actually, but I prefer Lin… who told you that?” She didn’t mean to sound so offended, but she had her suspicions. Only Harry called her that awful nickname just to spite her.

“Oh, sorry. Your neighbor, Harry, told us.”

“Figures.” Narrowing her eyes, she made a pinky promise to herself to strangle him later. Setting her displeasure for her aggravating neighbor aside, she remembered why she was at their doorstep in the first place. “I, uh, brought some danishes as a housewarming gift.”

“Oh, thank you!” Glancing down at the plastic-wrapped plate in her hand, his face lit up and he turned his head over his shoulder to his wife, who had previously been unpacking a kitchen box, but now she was nodding her head and giving him a silent signal to invite Lin inside.

“Do you want to come in? We have pie as well.”

If it wasn’t for Harry looming in the back of her mind, she would have never stepped foot inside their apartment. After all, they could be murderers. So, she practically tiptoed into their kitchen, feeling the tiniest bit safer with Harry just across the hall.

Not that he’d be very useful if she was being stabbed to death.

But the thought helped.

“Those look wonderful, thank you.” The wife took the plate from Lin, who reluctantly slid herself into the barstool at their identical island counter after the husband offered her the seat.

“You’re welcome… I never got your names actually.”

“Oh, I’m Paulina and this is my husband Tom.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you guys.”

“It’s definitely a relief to have such nice neighbors,” Tom started while Paulina grabbed three glasses from a cabinet closest to the fridge. The shelves all looked neat like she’d just unpacked their dishes and they hadn’t made a mess of everything yet. It made Lin reminisce on the days when she was new to the building… back before Harry was around. “We moved out of our last place because they were horrible.”

“Well, I can’t speak for Harry, but I’m nice, I think.”

“Really? He seemed pleasant enough,” Tom defended. With three glasses of water in front of them and three smaller dessert plates, Paulina put their options down in the middle of the counter as well.

There was her unwrapped, perfect, (and, in fact, gluten free) raspberry danishes.

As well as a Costco brand apple pie.

Glaring at the box with a few small slices already missing, she had absolutely no pleasant thoughts about Harry fucking Styles.

“Trust me, there is nothing pleasant about him.”

“Hm,” Paulina glanced nervously at her husband as he chewed cautiously on a bite of apple pie. “He’s not loud is he?”

Lin finally managed to rip her vengeful eyes away from the apple pie long enough to see how apprehensive she’d made the poor couple. “No, he’s just… irritating.” She’d be lying if she said Harry was a horrible neighbor because he was actually somewhat likable, for the most part.

Not that she’d ever say it out loud.

“Oh, good. We can handle a little irritation. Our last neighbors argued all the time.”

“And played their music as loud as they possibly could,” Tom added. “It wasn’t good music either, sounded like something dying.” He shuddered at the memory.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that here. It’s pretty quiet.” Lin reassured and took a sip of her water. “Actually, if you don’t mind, I have a lot of laundry to get done so…”

“Oh, yeah of course! It was nice meeting you Lin.” Tom stepped around the counter to walk her out while Paulina gave her a gracious smile in agreement before they left the kitchen.

As soon as Lin was out in their deserted hallway again with her new neighbor’s door shut behind her and a content smile on her face, another door was opened. And just as quickly as Harry appeared in the threshold to his room, the smile was swiped right off of her lips.

“So?” He grinned like he was up to no good. “How were they?”

“Think you already know,” she crossed her arms.

“Oh, don’t be so cross, Addy.” He really could not stop the smirk forming on his own mouth, even when she glared into his soul like she was ready to end him.

“You’re such an asshole.” She stomped the couple steps to her room and ignored him when she heard his door shut and felt him standing beside her while she got her key out.

“Guess that means I’m not invited over for dessert?”

Once she had her door unlocked, she held it open with her foot and turned to him, “You’d be guessing right.”

“It was just a joke.”

“You know I don’t like to be called that.”

“Yeah but why not? It rolls off the tongue better…”

Without a word, she moved toward her room again ready to leave him to his own devices out in the hallway.

“Wait,” he planted his hand flat on her door before she managed to shut it in his face. “I’m sorry.”

“Maybe if you actually meant it when you apologized, I’d consider letting you in.”

He sighed, thinking it was ridiculous but still standing up straight to give her his best apology. After all, it would be worth it to not spend his Thursday night alone and without her incredible tea and biscuits. Clearing his throat, he began, “Lin, I’m sorry for calling you that name you don’t like.”

“And?”

“And telling the neighbors to call you that too.”

“And?”

He wracked his brain for what else she could possibly want from him for a moment before something finally came to mind. “And I won’t call you that again… can I come in now? I’ve been craving your stupid biscuits all day.”

“Hm… no.” And with that, the door was shut in his face and securely locked. Shaking his head with a dimply grin like he couldn’t believe she made him go through all of that and still not let him in. But he knew he should have seen it coming, so he didn’t even bother knocking or begging any further. Lin was as frustratingly stubborn as he was.

“Don’t want your biscuits anyways,” he shouted through the door.

“Yes you do, and you’re not getting any.”

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know,” Lin’s impeccable articulation of what she needed to say in front of the very intimidatingly attractive Tom was briefly interrupted with an all too familiar door creaking shut behind her and an all too familiar scent of cologne creeping up beside her. She squeezed her eyes shut in irritation for less than a second before she opened them and tried to focus less on Harry and more on why she was knocking at Tom’s door for the second time this week. “I’m having a small party tonight. You guys are invited if you want to come. If not, I just wanted to apologize for any noise.”

Tom brought out his perfect, beaming grin as she watched him glance at Harry who she’d yet to acknowledge and then back at her. “We’d love to come actually! Should we bring anything?”

“No… well, if you want any alcohol, you can bring that. I just have beer for everyone.” Lin explained, knowing very well she had her own bottle of alcohol in her fridge currently that no one else was allowed to touch.

“Actually,” Harry finally piped in, to Lin’s complete agitation, “I was going to the store after my run, I could pick up something up for you guys.”

Lin twisted her head over her shoulder, full-on scowl greeting Harry’s neighborly smile.

“That’d be great actually, let me write some things down and give you some cash…”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, s’on me.”

Tom’s eyes grew round, but grateful after all the money they’d spent over the past few days on new furniture. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s no problem.”

When Tom retreated back into his room absentmindedly to find a pen and paper, Harry turned his smug face to Lin.

“What are you doing?” She muttered in a low volume, just to Harry, but still with quite a vicious tone that he definitely deserved.

“Being neighborly.”

“Looks more like desperate bribery.”

Harry leaned in closer and kept his eyes on Tom, who was scrawling on a pad of paper at his kitchen counter, to make absolutely sure that the next thing to come out of his mouth was heard by her ears only, “‘Least I don’t fancy my married neighbor.”

Her mouth sprung open as if appalled by what he’d said. Like it was an unambiguously ridiculous claim she couldn’t believe came out of his mouth. So ridiculous that she smacked his shoulder numerous times before he had to grab her hands to get her to stop.

“You’re a fucking prick,” whispering, she attempted pulling her arms from his grip with no avail and only to struggle against each other even more.

“You’re the one hitting me and I’m the prick?”

“You deserve it!”

“Okay!” Tom’s much louder voice seemed to boom between them loud enough to break apart the grade school roughhousing and arguing. And once Tom was headed to the door again, Lin’s hands went back to her side and Harry’s polite smile smacked back on his face as if nothing had ever happened in the hallway.

“Here’s a few things my wife likes, you can just get one of them, though, whatever you can find.” He handed the post-it sized paper over to Harry before returning his attention to Lin.

“Should we dress up or?”

“No. Just casual is fine.”

And with amiable smiles all around and ‘see you later’s, Lin and Harry were alone in their hallway again.

“You’re uninvited,” Lin grumbled out first.

“You can’t uninvite me, your friends all love me.”

She stepped closer to him, poking her finger into his unexpectedly toned pectoral, “If you show up in my apartment tonight, I will fight you.”

He swallowed, so amusingly unafraid of her he almost couldn’t hold back the smile that threatened to creep onto his lips and ruin the whole bit. “Very intimidating.”

“I’m serious.”

“Never doubted that you were.”

“Then why are you smiling?”

He shrugged just as smug as ever, “I’ll see you tonight, Lin.” Winking, he left her feeling both powerless and also like she could punch him square in the face quite effortlessly.

“Linny poo!” Harry shouted through her apartment, two reusable shopping bags in hand as he stretched his arms out like wings after successfully making it inside her apartment without having to take on a bridge troll first. And once he found her on the couch amongst the crowd, a distinctly bothered face behind a glass of pink alcohol, he continued, “I’m here, come and fight me!”

With none of her friends in on the joke, but all still entertained by Harry, they stared straight at her for some explanation. And with both Harry and Lin sufficiently pre-game tipsy, she simply shot him her middle finger while continuing to sip on her drink.

The party was already in full swing when he showed up, and after his obtrusive entrance, he laid out the alcohol he’d brought over, leaving it all on the counter apart from an already opened bottle of Smirnoff he kept to himself.

“Why are you here?” Lin was right next to him all of a sudden, making him jump when she spoke up over the chatter and music.

“I brought the good alcohol, remember?” He glanced down at her glass, it clearly not filled with the piss-colored beer she’d provided for the night and making his eyebrows crease in confusion.

“Yeah, but I thought I told you you were uninvited.”

“And I told you you can’t do that.”

He could tell she was getting angrier with him the longer he stood in her presence. “Can we talk in the other room?”

“Are you going to try and hit me again?”

“Maybe.”

Even so, he followed her to her bedroom for the private argument that was sure to unfold once there was a closed door between them and everyone else.

“Fuck, your room’s a mess.”

“I’m literally this close,” she pinched together her thumb and index finger in front of him, “to punching you right now, so I wouldn’t push it.”

“You call me to kill the spiders, Lin, you won’t punch me.”

“I hate you.”

He grinned like he was proud of himself. “Seriously, though, you made fun of me for my messy apartment and your room looks like this?”

“No one’s coming in here anyways.”

“I’m in here.”

“You don’t count.”

“Why do you hate me so much?”

“You’re an asshole.” She answered him a little too easily and he was the tiniest bit offended by it.

“Well, so are you.”

“Only because you try to ruin everything all the time.”

“Like what!?” Harry was the embodiment of dumbfounded then, with his pointed eyebrows and flared nostrils.

“Like the neighbors.” She stated obviously, “I put a lot of thought into what to bring them and you just swoop in with your fucking apple pie.”

“You put a lot of thought into raspberry danishes? Really?”

“Better than a boring apple pie!”

“No it’s not!” He shouted back, neither of them at all worried whether or not anyone in her apartment could hear them at this point. “Everyone loves apple pie! It’s a traditional comfort food and I can’t believe you think your fucking danishes-”

Harry would have expected a punch to the face coming his way a lot sooner than what she actually did. And, quite frankly, so did she. But, seeing him yelling passionately about baked goods, and still a bit buzzed, landed her lips on him instead of her knuckles.

With her hands securely on either side of his jaw, she pushed him back against the wall with a slight thud all while he had no idea how to react. And when the initial shock of it wore off, his hands slid up her sides to her lower back where he supported her as he returned all the angry passion she’d kissed him with in the first place.

He took over quickly with his much larger arm muscles, spinning her around and pinning her up against the wall now. Still, her strong will seeped into how she made out with him, making his lungs burn and his lips numb. He didn’t want it to stop either, however, after he spent god knows how long thinking about kissing her.

“Thought you hated me,” he breathed out, resting his forehead on hers when she finally gave him a break.

“I do.”

“Hm,” he blinked a couple times then settled his gaze on her lips, the smeared red lipstick making him feel things he never thought it would. “You always kiss people you hate like that?”

“You’re the only person I hate,” she ghosted her lips over his, and they both felt the slightly shameful rate at which he was growing in his pants.

“Guess I should be flattered then.” He kissed her again twice, both very quick and also very slow like he wanted to feel everything and remember it beyond the hangover he’d have in the morning.

“Well you definitely feel flattered.”

Smiling against the side of her mouth, he let out a gravelly laugh. “S’not you, actually.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah… I get really turned on by desserts.” She found herself rolling her eyes at him, and then they took a detour, rolling back in her head as he wandered down her neck, determined to leave marks on her that no one at the party would question came from his mouth.

“Lucky for you, I bought more danishes,” she teased, between the whimpers as he continued to nip at her skin, and particularly when his hands slipped up under the back of her skirt.

“Oh, fuck you and your danishes.”

[weirdlizard26]

For the ask meme? All of them.

jay,,,

give me a sec to edit this post ok

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

wine glasses are like reading glasses except you wear them while drinking wine

i’d say water bottles but only the ones that can handle heat and stuff and not poison your drink with plastic or whatever

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

i havent had a lollipop in a good while so thats my choice

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

havent tried either but boy i’d love to try just a little bit of cotton candy at leastonce

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

bro,,,,,, that was like 10 years ago, how am i supposed to remember that,,,,,,,

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i usually drink soda from plastic cups but honestly? nothing beats the experience of sipping that sweet sweet ambrosia from the bottle,,, but also i’d love to try soda in a can some day!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

idk what half of these would look like but sportswear always wins in my book

7. earbuds or headphones?

ok i actually googled whats the difference and im more of an earbuds person! theyrejust safer i think and it makes me kinda anxious when im home listening tomusic and cant hear anything going on around me

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows! well, unless the episodes are like 40 minutes or a full hour because its hard to focus for that long kfjsndkfs

9. favorite smell in the summer?

pavement after rain and also. grass.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

haha thats a funny joke you made there *starts crying*

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

just a couple of meat+cheese+mayo sandwiches! if its summer mom cuts tomatoes or cucumbers for us and as they start getting more and more expensive we replace them with pickles!

12. name of your favorite playlist?

sorry i couldnt choose!

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

aaaa i love fruit flavored ones!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

aaaaaaaa i dont remember if it was elementary or middle school but we were assigned this really cool ukrainian book that ive actually read before they assigned it. well, nobody here will recognize it but it was Тореадори з Васюківки by Всеволод Нестайко and it was about 2 boys who were best friends growing up in the countryside and they went on adventures and had fun and their friendship made me so happy,,, i guess i was all for cool friendship portrayal even back then! it was mostly laughs and jokes but some moments were actually serious and hit me really hard and i remember them to this day actually

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

its a myth, sitting was created as a personal attack on me

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

my trusty old sneakers!! theyre all black and the sole is very soft and nice

18. ideal weather?

when the sun is out and its just warm enough to show off your new graphic tee and also very soft and nice

19. sleeping position?

i just lie on my left side like a fool

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

notebook!

21. obsession from childhood?

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!! AND DANNY PHANTOM!!!! i even made a ghost fighting costume once,,,, tho it wasnt much of a costume, it was just fingerless gloves i cut out of paper. they were extremely uncomfortable. but very effective in fighting ghosts!

22. role model?

kfjsdnfk i have a bunch! might sound weird but one of them is bdg i think??? and the other 2 are some online acquaintances whom im too afraid to interact with more often than i do

23. strange habits?

repeating silly lines i hear on tv / in anime/cartoons? and also i never touch food with my right hand unless its plums?? and there are more but. you know. bad memory.

24. favorite crystal?

all of them!!!!!

25. first song you remember hearing?

my grandma used to sing this to me over the phone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUPnqqPXQsw

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

go for a walk!

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

slep

28. five songs to describe you?

we are the people by empire of the sun

home by cavetown

strawberry blonde by mitski

smile like you mean it by the killers

afterlife by arcade fire

29. best way to bond with you?

wash your hands very thoroughly and make jokes

30. places that you find sacred?

i see nature i go crazy from how much respect i have for it

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass andtake names?

*wearing hinata cosplay* im here to play volleyball and kick your ass and as you can see ive already played today’s match

32. top five favorite vines?

road work ahead

a avocado!! thanks!!!!!

REBECCA THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK

i fell can you help me :(

that vine where ukulele sounds like human voices and people sounds like ukuleles

33. most used phrase in your phone?

idk how to check that??? sowwy

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

the stomach meds ad they keep showing on tv

35. average time you fall asleep?

3am? 4am? idk for sure

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

t-trollface…

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

havent used either (cause ive never traveled anywhere too far away) but the latter looks pretty and i feel like it would fit more stuff

38. lemonade or tea?

depends on my mood!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

dont kick me but im not sure if ive ever tried either ;w;

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

the school’s cat who hates most people actually kinda warmed up to me even tho im terrible with animals

41. last person you texted?

jay uwu

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

afabs cant have both huh

but i want both. please give me both.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

all of these sound nice but my lazy ass will always go for hoodies

44. favorite scent for soap?

aaaaaaaa im allergic to a lot of soaps but i like flower scented ones

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

i love all of them dearly but lately ive been more into superheroes i think. im not sure really sure what exactly i feel

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

something really really long

47. favorite type of cheese?

there are different types????

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

i hope im a pear

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

become a good person. thats all.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

i dont remember what it was but i remember i was with my friends and we couldnt stop laughing for several minutes and ive never felt happier

51. current stresses?

UNIVERSITY FUCK OFF!!!

52. favorite font?

i like comic sans

53. what is the current state of your hands?

they arent doing so hot tbh, my dermatitis is back again

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i dont have one!

55. favorite fairy tale?

gonna be honest chief, i dont remember too many of them ;w;

56. favorite tradition?

on new year’s we turn the lights off, light up a candle in the kitchen, laugh at president’s speech and only then starts eating

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

getting over a lost friendship, passing high school finals and uni entrance exams and coming out to my best friend

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

singing!! being able to learn how to do most things pretty quickly!!! and i cant think of anything else but honestly these two are quite enough for me

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

uh oh! guess what! i dont have a catchphrase and im very self-conscious about it!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

im torn between sports anime and slice of life

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

because humans dont have wings we look for other ways to fly

from haikyuu

obviously

62. seven characters you relate to?

tsukishima kei from haikyuu

mae borowski from nitw

apollo justice from ace attorney

flame princess from adventure time

donatello from tmnt

sokka from atla

kageyama shigeo from mob psycho 100

63. five songs that would play in your club?

mr brightside, bohemian rhapsody, smile like you mean it by the killers and allof haikyuu ops and eds

64. favorite website from your childhood?

if social media counts, vkontakte i guess?? i didnt really go anywhere else and it still exists and i thriving so im not sure if it should count fkjsndkjf

65. any permanent scars?

yeah, the one from my very first vaccination from when i was a few months old i think and also some traces of when i had chickenpox

66. favorite flower(s)?

idk a lot of flower names but i really like tulips

67. good luck charms?

dont have any at the moment but i’d love to get one!

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

whatever fish mom used to buy when we were kids >:(

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

bro my memory isnt good enough to remember those,,

70. left or right handed?

im a righty but i had to become a lefty for like a month when i broke my pinkie

71. least favorite pattern?

i like traditional ukrainian ornaments

72. worst subject?

history :P

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

ice cream + fries

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

idk how pain levels work but i try not to take meds unless the pain is interfering with studying

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

idk but i had a box full of my teeth for so long they turned to dust and i had to throw it away

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

RHNGRHGNRHGRNH EVERYTHING except for freshly made mashed potatoes

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

if its green it can stay

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

have never had either of those and i hope i never will cause they sound gross!

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i dont have a license, so.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

kfjsndfks depends on the mood tbh!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

fireflies!

82. pc or console?

i WISH i had a console but this is too broke for that,, i played a couple of times tho and it feels more fun than pc!

83. writing or drawing?

please dont make me choose, ive abandoned both and its making me feel bad

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts :O

84. barbie or polly pocket?

idk what polly pocket is but barbie rules!!!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

i feel like sometimes fairy tales are kinda like watered down myths so i have a right to say i like both

86. cookies or cupcakes?

my heart goes to cookies

87. your greatest fear?

finding out im faking any part of my identity

88. your greatest wish?

get through whatever’s going on right now

89. who would you put before everyone else?

mom

90. luckiest mistake?

when i recorded an undertale medley and got a few notes wrong but it actually ended up sounding better than originally

91. boxes or bags?

boxes!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights……

93. nicknames?

never really had many? my bff calls me mr smith sometimes but thats all i can think of fkjsdnfs but also! steve used to be my nickname before i decided my life my own and i get to choose my name

94. favorite season?

spring ;w;

95. favorite app on your phone?

sudoku

 96. desktop background?

 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

my own and my mom’s

 98. favorite historical era?

eh im not very fond of the past because not every time period had soap

[frighthouseofalighthouse]

All weird asks!! They're so good!

Sorry this is a bit late, babe! I wanted to wait til I had the opportunity to answer all these uninterrupted!

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs! tbh I drink tea out of coffee mugs because who actually uses teacups? I mean my grandma has tons and I would use them, but the handles are so tiny and I am v clumsy so it scares me.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars!!! I’m too impatient for lollipops and plus they always get coated in saliva which just...drips down my chin since my mouth is already full.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Bubblegum! I love cotton candy but I can only handle a bit at a time tbh. Also I haven’t had bubblegum in almost two years bc of braces and I miss it so much I can’t wait to have it again.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Okay, so even though I’ve always been homeschooled, when I was in elementary school we did this program with a ton of other homeschoolers where you could take actual classes and stuff. My teachers always said I was quiet and focused and studious, and you could always count on me to be lecturing everyone else on the instructions if they hadn’t been paying attention. (does any of that surprise anyone?)

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? GLASS SODA BOTTLES. nothing beats soda that’s been bottled in glass rather than plastic. You ever had orange cream soda from a glass bottle????? SLAPS ASS MY DUDE.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Pastel/boho/preppy/goth, my dude. I have so many sides to my fashion and aesthetic.

7. earbuds or headphones?

EARBUDS BC HEADPHONES NEVER FIT OVER MY EARS RIGHT. BUT EARBUDS WITH SOFT TIPS BECAUSE MY EARS ARE TOO SMALL FOR THE PLASTIC ONES.

8. movies or tv shows?

Tv shows tbh because even though I can binge 4 eps of 45 minutes each per night, they’ll hold my attention a lot more than a movie. It’s weird.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Thunderstorms/petrichor, also natural bogs. PEAT BOG SMELL FUCKING SLAPS.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

None. I liked trampoline time back when we took gymnastics, if that counts. I also liked jump roping and Irish step dancing.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Nothing lmao. I sleep til like noon and then I microwave something for lunch.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

My catchall playlist, Things I Love, my summer playlist, Summer Songs, my Gryffindor playlist, My Queen And Country playlist for writing, and my playlist for The Raven Cycle. (after I post this I’ll edit it and link them)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Keyring, a lanyard would like constantly detract from my outfit if that makes sense???

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Sour Patch Kids or Swedish Fish.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Between The Grapes Of Wrath, The Great Gatsby, The Handmaid’s Tale, and To Kill A Mockingbird!

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Just fucking sprawled every which way.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

My grey converse if it’s comfortable out, my silver flip flops if it’s hot, and my fur-lined black combat boots if it’s cold.

18. ideal weather?

65-70 degrees, partly sunny, breezy, not humid.

19. sleeping position?

I need to sprawl to fall asleep, but once I’m asleep I curl up into a little ball.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop and notebook ONLY IF I’m sure of myself, which isn’t often. But I do write dense, scribbled paragraphs on sermon note pages if something comes to me during church lmao.

21. obsession from childhood?

The American Revolution, weather, astronomy, and mysteries/ghost stories.

22. role model?

Idk tbh? Lately I’m just trying to define and live up to my own standards?

23. strange habits?

Pulling the collar of my shirt up to my mouth and sucking on it. Also being a perfectionist in my writing. I don’t do messy drafts. It’s all perfect by the time I write it, and I edit/spellcheck as I go.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst (my birthstone), bismuth, opal, and blue goldstone.

25. first song you remember hearing?

Other than nursery rhymes/kid’s songs, it was Light Up The Sky by The Afters, or California Dreamin’ by The Mamas And The Papas.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Find shade/a cool spot and read with a cold drink.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

ALSO READ. And snuggle with thick socks and a cup of tea and play DS games all day.

28. five songs to describe you?

My five faves atm -

I Am Here // Pink

The Pines // Roses and Revolutions

Soldier, Poet, King // The Oh Hellos

Traveler’s Song // Aviators

Hymn // Kesha

29. best way to bond with you?

Share my interests about politics, history, books, true crime, paranormal, tv shows, and also be kind and understanding when I don’t text for long periods bc I don’t feel up to talking.

30. places that you find sacred?

The woods on the hill behind my house. Dense, deeply green, secluded woods. Hedge mazes. Old and crumbling castles. Anywhere beneath a clear sky and a full moon. Your heart when you’ve come to terms with your fears and made peace with yourself. Anyplace with historical significance. Bookstores on an autumn/winter day. Libraries.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

A kickass plaid, bruh. Also my leather jacket - once I lose enough shoulder weight to fit in it again.

32. top five favorite vines?

Fre shavoc ado, the one where the dog eats the butterfly, the Lin-Manuel Miranda one where he’s brainstorming, “what the FUCK kind of weather is this, and the dad and son with the saxophone and the oven door.

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“oh mood”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

“WOW! It’s NatureStone!”

35. average time you fall asleep?

Right now it’s 4-5 am because I suck.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

I Can Haz Cheezburger, My mom used to look at the website with me when I was like 10.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

They both have pros and cons. :/ Duffel bags are easier to carry but suitcases keep stuff from getting broken better.

38. lemonade or tea?

TEAAAAAAAAAAAA

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon meringue pie!!! my stepdad made a really good one the other week.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Nothing, since I was homeschooled. Same weird shit that always happens at home. Our safe word for when I got overwhelmed in math was “quokka” and we’d stop and look at cute quokka pictures.

41. last person you texted?

My gf :)

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Jacket pockets because things are not only hard to fit in girls’ pants pockets, but if you put a chapstick/lipstick in there it starts to melt :(

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

BETWEEN HOODIE AND CARDIGAN. SO VERSATILE. SO COMFY.

44. favorite scent for soap?

Irish Spring soap or the blue Dial bars smells better and cleaner than anything to me.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy. It can take me a bit to get into it, but once I do, I love it. I only do sci-fi if it has rebellion and isn’t heavy on the sci. And superhero movies are great but a lot of the tropes are meh. Fantasy has a lot more versatility if you ask me.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Sweatpants/leggings and a soft, well worn tee.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Parmesan, white cheddar, or Muenster.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Raspberry!

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“do no harm but take no shit.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

A really poorly edited political ad on tv a couple years ago. There was weird jazz playing, flames in the background of an image of the Capitol Building, and then the top of the dome opened and this guy’s face was inside. It is the single funniest ad I have ever seen and I laughed for 10 minutes so hard I was like an inch away from passing out.

51. current stresses?

Passing my driving test next month, getting a job, figuring out if my math skills are okay enough to take the SAT or an equivalent test.

52. favorite font?

Baskerville or Georgia!

53. what is the current state of your hands?

My fingernails are short bc I picked them while reading earlier, my cuticles suck bc I pick at those two, and my pinky is obliterated and scabbed because of when I accidentally sliced through the nail with a razor while shaving the other day. So, not great, but I’m living.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

That kids can be really annoying but also really cute and hilarious if you can get them to calm down. And also that baby fingernails are surprisingly sharp.

55. favorite fairy tale?

The OG Princess and the Frog where it’s implied the prince and “faithful Henry,’ his carriage driver, fall in love and ride off together at the end. JACOB AND WILHELM GRIMM SAID GAY RIGHTS.

56. favorite tradition?

Every December, my mom and I drive around after dark at night and I play Pokemon and we rate everyone’s Christmas decorations based on tackiness.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

So isolated I was as a preteen/early teenager, my self harm, and the internalized anger over my abusive relationship and PTSD.

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Writing, puzzle solving, singing, and calligraphy.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Benvoli-no.” (I recently remembered I used to say that a lot and I need to bring it back)

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Dark, fairy tale anime with a lot of secrets to uncover and some dark woods.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

TV show - “I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself.” - Doctor Who

Movie - “It’s not about deserve. It’s about what you believe. And I believe in love.” - Wonder Woman

Book - “If you never saw the stars, candles were enough.” - The Dream Thieves, by Maggie Stiefvater

62. seven characters you relate to?

Dean Winchester - Supernatural

Sam Winchester - Supernatural

Jack Kline Winchester - Supernatural

Charlie Bradbury - Supernatural

Gansey - The Raven Cycle

Blue Sargent - The Raven Cycle

Hermione Granger - Harry Potter

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Final Song // MO

Call Home // Heathers

I Am Here // Pink

Babylon // 5 Seconds of Summer

Shake It Off // Taylor Swift

64. favorite website from your childhood?

WEBKINZ AND THE OLD AMERICAN GIRL WEBSITE

65. any permanent scars?

Yes, I have several that remain from self harm, scars all over my left knee from being a clumsy child, and most of all a major scar down the center of my chest from heart surgery when I was a baby.

66. favorite flower(s)?

Rose, lavender, lilac, and dahlia.

67. good luck charms?

Not really???

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Olives, mushrooms, radishes, cottage cheese, and ranch dressing are all foul.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Martin Luther didn’t actually nail his 95 theses to the church door, he just kind of passed them around, which is a lot less dramatic tbh. Also light-up signs were first used in New York City in 1884.

70. left or right handed?

I’m left-handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

I think zebra stripes, leopard print, and houndstooth are super ugly.

72. worst subject?

Math for sure. Even science would be easier if it didn’t involve so much math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Wendy’s fries and chocolate frosty!!!

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

I think a 7, usually. My pain tolerance is pretty high because of a) years of self harm, and b) due to my PTSD my muscles are constantly tense and in pain anyway.

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I was 4, and it had been loose but it fell out when I was trying to blow up an inflatable ball.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Fries or roasted potatoes that are charred and crunchy on the bottom. Chips are a close third.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Idk, my grandma’s the one with the green thumb mania lmao. But She keeps a lot of violets and arrowhead plants in the windowsills!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

NEITHER I HATE BOTH COFFEE AND SUSHI IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Never had a school ID, but my temporary license photo is actually pretty good right now!

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

I really like earth tones for myself.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

THEY ARE THE SAME MF THING. Also I call them both, it just depends on what comes out of my mouth haha.

82. pc or console?

PC, I guess, though I don’t really game. I just watch my stepdad game.

83. writing or drawing?

WRITING. I cannot draw to save my life.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts, talk radio is so annoying.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie, although I loved both.

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology I guess??? Although again, I love both.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

COOKIESSSSS

87. your greatest fear?

Rejection, losing people I love, people secretly hating me. Also drowning, spiders, clowns, and guns.

88. your greatest wish?

To be a semi-successful author and work in a library/museum.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom and my gf.

90. luckiest mistake?

Almost dropping a knife blade first on my foot but it landed between my toes.

91. boxes or bags?

um boxes I guess? I’m really good at fitting things in tetris style.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

FAIRY LIGHTS AND DIM YELLOW LAMPS.

93. nicknames?

Ell, Alexander, Ellie, Little Lion, and Nerd.

94. favorite season?

FALL FALL FALL FALL

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr or Spotify. Two apps I couldn’t live without.

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

About a half dozen. Mine, my mom’s, my stepdad’s, my grandparents’ home number, my grandpa’s, and my grandma’s.

98. favorite historical era?

Both the American Revolutionary period and the Victorian Era (esp in Britain)

THANK YOU LOVE THIS WAS SUPER FUN

[omg-puddingpie]

GET TO KNOW ME -

Thanks to @klauseconfessions for this lovely tag! :D I love feeling a part of these things whenever you include me! Like my idol has noticed me!

You have to make a simself and put whatever you wish on there. traits, about you stuff so we can get to know you lovely, beautiful people better! Please feel free to do it without the tag as well because I’m horrible with tagging and hate leaving anyone out. :3

questions

1. What is your full name? Chad

2. What is your nickname? Pinky, douchebag, Beaver, Pie

3. Birthday? January

4. What is your favorite book series? I don’t read very often. (I’m more into comic books) but I’ve always enjoyed John Gardner’s book ‘Grendel’, even before I knew how much this monster was cool and I’d even include in my drawings OR Sims game. XD

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? All of the. There has to be more in this world and there are evidence of both, so who knows?

6. Who is your favorite author? I honestly don’t have one but I love reading fanfictions. 

7. What is your favorite radio station? Hardrock, sometimes country and even the ‘oldies’ station. (70′s, 80′s, 90′s)

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? Banana

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? Cool beans

10. What is your current favorite song? Weezer’s take on ‘Africa’ by Toto. I’m in LOOOOOOVVVVEEEE with this song. (Even made it one of my sims’ dedicated love song to their significant other. XD XD)

11. What is your favorite word? Dipshit

12. What was the last song you listened to? Rob Zombie ‘Dragula’

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Castlevania, Breaking Bad, Supernatural

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? Wizard of Oz and I’ll tell you why: Long story short, this is my mom’s favorite movie and when my siblings and I were kids, she always played this on Friday nights; we had popcorn, sodas, and a pizza while watching the movie. Now, as an adult, I watch it for the memories and it makes me happy. :3

15. Do you play video games? It’s an addiction really. XD

16. What is your biggest fear? Spiders. Bastards....

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? My drawing abilities, tbh.

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? I’m too ‘real’ but if you want my honest opinion, you’re going to get it. I don’t see this world through rose colored glasses.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats

20. What is your favorite season? Winter

21. Are you in a relationship? Yes. Married and have children together, too.

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? Saturday morning cartoons, cereal and not having to worry about bills.

23. Who is your best friend? From the Sims community, @emmypess then there is my wife, kids and siblings.

24. What is your eye color? Natural is brown but I have these bluish gray contacts in at the moment. Goes good with the pink. XD

25. What is your hair color? Naturally brown, now it’s pink.

26. Who is someone you love? My wife and kids

27. Who is someone you trust? My wife, my family

28. Who is someone you think about often? Wife and kids and dinner for that night. XD XD

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? Christmas, my upcoming birthday and what the New Year will bring. (Hoping for another baby!!)

30. What is your biggest obsession? Grendel and anything Supernatural

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Gargoyles. No lie

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? My wife

33. Are you superstitious? Ooooooh yes!!

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? Not really

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind. I’m stupid shy of photos. XD

36. What is your favorite hobby? Drawing, skateboarding and doing crafts with the kids.

37. What was the last book you read? ......Do comic books count? XD

38. What was the last movie you watched? The new Halloween movie. :3

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? .......My answer is a bit, ahem, adult but to be ‘serious’ I use to play the Violin as a kid.

40. What is your favorite animal? Capybaras

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? I can not pick. I love seeing a diverse screen of all kinds of sims. You guys are awesome! :D

42. What superpower do you wish you had? Oh man, flying would be nice. 

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? At home with my wife and kids. I just love being around them. 

44. What makes you smile? My family, my addiction to games, drawings and my sims.

45. What sports do you play, if any? I skateboard, play Basketball and use to play Football in highschool.

46. What is your favorite drink? Dr. Pepper

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? Psssssssh! I don’t know! XD

48. Are you afraid of heights? Yes

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? People who talk with their mouth full. I don’t need to see the Casserole you made last night, Susan. Fuck....

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Hell yes!

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? Nope

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? A Veterinarian.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? Shit, I’d love to hang out in Fabletown at the Trip Trap bar with my boi Gren and throw back a few. XD

54. What is something you worry about? I worry 100%. HARD not to when you have anxiety and constantly overthinking EVERYTHING! XD

55. Are you scared of the dark? Nope

56. Do you like to sing? Horribly but yes!

57. Have you ever skipped school? In high school, I ditched all the time. I’m STILL shocked I graduated on time. XD

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? Oregon or LA

59. Where would you like to live? Away from Cali (which is literally on fire right now) and move to Oregon or even Alaska. No lie.

60. Do you have any pets? Yes! 3 Cats, a Dog and a Beta fish

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Early bird. Up at 3am! 0.O

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunrise

63. Do you know how to drive? Yup

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds

65. Have you ever had braces? No

66. What is your favorite genre of music? Rock

67. Who is your hero? My mom. She’s been such a strong individual and struggled for years to raise my siblings and I. I still don’t know how she did it but I’m forever in debt to her. She’s amazing.

68. Do you read comic books? Yes, yes, yes!!

69. What makes you the most angry? People who drive...so....slow. I’m not a speed demon but if you’re LOST, move the fuck over! XD

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? None? XD

71. What is your favorite subject in school? History or anything art related

72. Do you have any siblings? Yes! 4 sisters and one brother

73. What was the last thing you bought? The new Spyro Reignited game!!!!! My childhood!!! :D :D

74. How tall are you? 6′1″

75. Can you cook? I try but....it’s best if this dude stays OUT of the kitchen! XD

76. What are three things that you love? My family, my Sims, my life

77. What are three things that you hate? People who chew with food in their mouth, people who drive stupid slow or people who feel the need to advertise their business on Social media. No one cares that your period is heavy or you and your significant other are fighting. TMI.

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? Guys

79. What is your sexual orientation? Bi

80. Where do you currently live? California

81. Who was the last person you texted? One of my coworkers regarding Thanksgiving. We have a 4 day weekend!!! :D

82. When was the last time you cried? Laughing cry last night at my wife’s family’s house for an early Thanksgiving meal. I love her family. 

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? THINK his name is IamKevin. He plays a lot of the Sims games and the things he says....XD

84. Do you like to take selfies? NO! XD

85. What is your favorite app? This app fro my local grocery store, where I can scan coupons and what not! (I’m such an adult/daddy sometimes. XD)

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? My mom is wonderful but I’ve been estranged from my father for 7 years now. My choice and it’s been the best thing I could have ever done.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? Portuguese, English, Spanish

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? Ireland

89. What is your favorite number? 69. :P

90. Can you juggle? No

91. Are you religious? Yes

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? Outer Space

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? In high school, yes. Not so much now.

94. Are you allergic to anything? This poor air quality lingering over California! XD

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yes

96. Can you wiggle your ears? No

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? Almost never but then it ends up biting me in the ass.

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? Forest

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? Life is too short for drama. If it causes you stress, perhaps it’s time to either cut ties or fix it. Your health and mentality is never worth it, especially when you have others who depend on you. 

100. Are you a good liar? Nope

101. What is your Hogwarts House? I’m not much for Harry Potter, tbh.

102. Do you talk to yourself? Sometimes! XD

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? No

105. Do you believe in second chances? It depends

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? that’s hard, tbh. We ALL wanna say we’d turn it in but I’ve seen those people turn in the wallet but keep the money sooooo....it’s hard to say. 

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Depends

108. Are you ticklish? Kind of

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes

110. Do you have any piercings? Yes

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Grendel from The Wolf Among Us. I’d LOVE to drink with this guy! XD XD

112. Do you have any tattoos? Yup

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Making my life much better.

114. Do you believe in karma? Yup

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? contacts

116. Do you want children? I’d like more!

117. Who is the smartest person you know? My sister

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? Too many! XD

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Yup

120. What color are most of you clothes? Red, Black and brown

121. Do you like adventures? YES!!!

122. Have you ever been on TV? No

123. How old are you? Going to be 30

124. What is your favorite quote? Never have regrets because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted. 

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Salty!!

[rantsaboutponies]

Season 7 Retrospective

Well, we’re between highly anticipated movie releases this weekend (for me, anyway), so it’s time for our annual look back over the season!

Good lord, the beginning of Season 7 seemed like so long ago. I could have sworn the Flurry Heart episode was last season. Maybe this has just been a really long year. Well...okay, yeah, I can certainly see why it would feel that way, given the year this has been.

With a rating of 4-9-13 (W-L-T), this season must have been better than the last one, even if it didn’t feel like it. Season 8 is forthcoming, so how long before Hasbro gives up and reboots the series again? Only time will tell.

So, here we are. From best to worst:

#1. “Secrets and Pies”: This episode was...good? Like, really, really good? Why? I don’t get it! I wouldn't be so confused if you guys did this more often! I swear, the next time this happens, I'm going to get whiplash!

#2. “Rock Solid Friendship”: To complement the really good Pinkie Pie episode, here’s an episode that was really good in every way except Pinkie Pie! They’re at exact opposite ends of the season, too. Maybe it’s an equivalent exchange thing.

#3. “Triple Threat”: I thought this episode did a pretty good job of avoiding the “why don’t you just tell them?” problem that virtually every episode of every sitcom runs into. We’ve already established that Thorax is a whiny little milquetoast weenie and that Ember is a heinous prick who doesn’t listen to anybody but herself. Hell, that was the entire reason for the conflict in the first place! Honestly, why would Spike try to reason with either of them?

#4. “To Change a Changeling”: If the monster hadn’t turned out to be a giant mole, the ending battle might have seemed a little more life-threatening. That, Starlight’s very, very stupid plan, and Pharynx’s abusive ass made this episode a little worse than it should have been. Apart from that, though, I liked it!

And now here’s the hardest part of the list: trying to figure out which “tie” episodes were slightly better or worse than all the others.

#5. “Once Upon a Zeppelin”: Yeah, Twilight’s parents were annoying (and idiots), but not to the point that I’m going to dread them ever showing up in any future episodes (unlikely as that is at this point). Plus, bringing back Iron Will actually seemed to have a point, and it helped that he didn’t have to “unlearn” his lesson from his first appearance just to make the current episode make sense.

#6. “Uncommon Bond”: This episode went out of its way to prove that yes, Starlight and Sunburst really do have only one thing in common. I would have expected the resolution to be the realization that the two of them liked more things than just that board game, but nope! Giant version! That’s it!

#7. “Daring Done?”: I was so distracted this episode that I forgot to mention that Pinkie Pie was actually acting like Pinkie Pie and not an annoying little shitbag! It was refreshing! But anyway, you’d think Daring-Do would have written enough books by this point to realize the obvious tropes this episode followed. The real challenge for her is going to be stretching this adventure out to novel-length.

#8. “Discordant Harmony”: I’m still not sure what made Discord think he needed to change a bunch of shit about his house to make Fluttershy happy. It looked the same way he made her house look every time he visited her. What did he think she was expecting?

#9. “A Health of Information”: This is the second episode in a row on this list where Fluttershy acted kind of like a doofus throughout the episode for no discernible reason. It also proved that unicorns are the solution to everything. Need to grab some moss from a swamp without falling in? Unicorn! Need to collect honey from the flash bees without going anywhere near them? Unicorn! Need to destroy an entire planet without breaking a sweat? Unicron!

#10 & #11. “Shadow Play (Parts 1 and 2)”: The first half fools you into thinking this isn’t just going to be a run-of-the-mill finale episode by promising you a halfway interesting quest before immediately giving you all the artifacts within a few minutes. Ha! Gotcha!

#12. “Hard to Say Anything”: I’d kind of hoped we were past the whole “two men competing for the trophy that is the personality-deprived female character” cliché, especially in a show designed for children, but I guess not. I mean, at least Big Mac and Feather do realize that’s what they’re doing by the end, but that doesn’t fix Sugar Belle’s “sexy lamp” issue.

#13. “A Royal Problem”: Has Twilight been of help to any friendship-related issues since she stopped being the main character? I think these episodes must be based on Twilight's memoirs, i.e. this isn't how things actually happened; this is how she remembers them happening. Here's what really happened during "Magical Mystery Cure":

Twilight Sparkle: So...I accidentally totally and completely fucked up my friends’ lives, but then I fixed it! That means I'm good at having friends, right?

Princess Celestia (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, you're a regular princess of friendship.

Twilight Sparkle: *gasp* Really?!

Princess Celestia: Oh, no, I didn't mean– Ah, crap, the music's already started. ♫ You've come such a long, long way... ♫

Princess Celestia (mentally): I've really got to stop using the word “princess” as an insult. This is the third one this week. I'm running out of castles! She'll just have to stay in the library until I can find another one.

#14. “All Bottled Up”: This episode is a perfect example of why the writers typically just don’t include characters in an episode if they have nothing to do in said episode. That escape room nonsense was just stupid. The six of you might be best friends, but you have never gotten along that well!

#15. “Celestial Advice”: Ugh, this one. “As a teacher, I have to send my student away. I don’t know exactly why I have to do that, but I’m sure I’ll figure the reason out later. Oh, wait, you don’t want to leave? Well, that changes everything! You can stay!” I think they were making this one up as they went along.

#16. “The Perfect Pear”: One of the emptiest “love” stories I’ve ever seen. This was an “attraction story”, if you can even call it that. This is another case where I’m positive that at least a hundred better fanfics had been written about this exact story before the episode was released. I get why people have headcanons about things now. Why wouldn’t you have a fanon when the canon is so...weak?

#17. “Honest Apple”: Once again, we have a brand-new writer for this episode. Kevin Lappin was very likely just given a slip of paper with “APPLEJACK = HONEST” written on it, which constituted the entire material he had to work with. That might explain why Applejack was such an unlikable prick for the entire episode.

Whoo... All right. Here we go.

#18. “A Flurry of Emotions”: If you don’t want to watch your kid (because, seriously, you’ve got better things to do), just show up at one of your relatives’ houses one day and dump it on them. They’ll have such a guilt trip that they’ll be glad to accept! But make sure it’s someone who’s completely unqualified for the job and has a mountain of other responsibilities first. That’s the best way!

#19. “Campfire Tales”: The fact that this episode was actually just a clunky setup for the finale might explain why all three stories sucked so hard. It’s this season’s The Mummy!

#20. “Not Asking for Trouble”: Now we’re going to get into the part of the list where I have to figure out which episodes are worse by balancing how much the episode irritated me in general with how toxic the moral is. Trust me, if your children’s show has a moral of “Do what you want to do for other people, regardless of what those people have explicitly told you not to do, because you’ll end up being right in the end. After all, people don’t know what they want!”, you’ve fucked up something awful.

#21. “Fluttershy Leans In”: I said in this review that this felt like the MLP version of The Fountainhead, but I only just recently realized that I also said the same thing about Season 5's "Canterlot Boutique". Given that the episodes were written by different people, this must be a storyline that creative types really like (even if it’s nothing more than a power fantasy).

#22. “It Isn’t the Mane Thing About You”: All right, you actually had a good idea with this one. Despite being the Element of Generosity, one of Rarity's main problems has always been her vanity. That means you pulled off the rare feat of making the moral both 1. something the character hasn't already learned in a previous episode and 2. something that a normal functioning member of society might not automatically possess. (There has been a distressing number of lessons in the past five seasons or so that don't fit one or both of these qualifications.) It's just a shame you crashed and burned so spectacularly by 1. turning the moral from “don't be vain” to “have confidence” (something Rarity has never struggled with AND which you have already had as the moral in MULTIPLE previous episodes) and 2. went about it in the most nonsensical way possible!

#23. “Parental Glideance”: This one was a little sickening. The “my parents are so embarrassing!” trope is bad enough, but you’re an adult, Rainbow Dash! Grow up! If the things your parents are doing embarrass you (or if they’re legitimately dangerous, like SHOOTING FIREWORKS OFF AT AN AIRSHOW), talk to them! You can do that without snapping and acting like a dick!

#24. “Forever Filly”: Holy crap, I have never wanted to punch a fictional cartoon character in the face as badly as I did in this episode. I don’t know what made Sweetie Belle act like such a little shit or why Rarity is so out of touch with her (seeing as Sweetie Belle would have had to have been about four to be into the stuff she was trying to do), but I hated this. Shove your black box experimental theater up your ass.

#25. “Marks and Recreation”: I got the sense from the beginning of the series that cutie marks were originally supposed to be something really deep and meaningful. I mean, they’re your passion. They represent that thing that you love so much and are so good at that you can spend the rest of your life doing it and wearing a permanent symbol of it on your body. Well, not anymore! Now it’s just some obligatory shit that you get because you have to and that doesn’t have any real meaning at all! Fuck you! Just...fuck you!

#26. “Fame and Misfortune”: Yeah, no surprise there. Holy shit, this was a painful experience. Like “Stranger Than Fan Fiction”, this was just embarrassing to watch. To quote somebody else, “...you don't get back at critics by attacking them, you do it by ignoring them and continuing to be awesome.” Hell, this episode's moral is contradicted by its own existence. “You shouldn't be affected by criticism of your work. That’s why I wrote this episode where all my critics are painted as raving lunatics and I am totally the victim!” The fact that this is the SECOND such episode is just pathetic. This one actually manages to be worse, though, because, unlike the earlier episode when it was just Quibble Pants being a dick, this one paints the ENTIRE fandom as either complaining whiners who hate everything or creepy stalkers who follow everywhere you go. Nothing says “we want you to keep watching” like insulting the few fans you have left right to their face!

Remember, next week is the review of the remaining six Equestria Girls: Summertime Shorts. Be there!

[zairehyun-blog]

do ask memes :o

ALL OF THEM!? ON THE ENTIRE WEBSITE!? no but since i love you i will ~

Halloween asks : done

‘Let’s get personal’: done

Sweet asks:

vanilla - how has your week been?

An honest to god mess, but that’s okay. It’ll get better soon~

chocolate - what do you crave right now?

Attention.

red velvet - what type of music do you like?

All tbh

ice cream - if you were an animal, what kind would you be?

I WOULD BE RILAKKUMA (u may be like zaire that’s not an animal. shhh let me be rilakkuma)

cake - describe your ideal location

like.. im just gonna say what i consider home

new zealand or osaka 💫

mocha - what are three things that make you feel warm inside?

my bby

the stars

writing abt my day at night

frosting - describe your appearance

uhm Mmmm i don’t know how i would.

marshmallow - do you sleep with plushies? if so, which are your favorites?

I DO INDEED i sleep with my moomin

sorbet - describe an ideal summer day

Going on adventures ;; especially car rides n stuff like that ✨

butterscotch - describe an ideal autumn day

going outside and walking around and the cold wind n i m happy it’s autumn 🍂

caramel - describe an ideal winter day

DRINKING HOT CHOCOLATE AND WATCHING TV IN AN OVERSIZED SWEATER WHILE IT SNOWS AND THEN GOING OUTSIDE TO PLAY IN THE SNOW ❄️

pecan - describe an ideal spring day

sitting outside n just enjoying all the flowers c”:

mint - what’s new in your life?

my bby

pie - “home is where…”

he is

macaroon - list three things you feel inspired to do

draw again

to cosplay

2 mAKE HOT CHOCOLATE NOW

Send me a number:

1: where are you from?

I was born in London but I was raised in New Zealand

2: how old are you?

I’m 18

3: when is your birthday?

March 13th

4: what is your favorite music genre?

It all depends on my mood

5: religious?

Yes

6: do you believe in ghosts?

Yes

7: would you want to be immortal?

Yes and no, I would hate to lose everyone who isn’t but I would love to see how the world will evolve idk

8: favorite book?

Alice in Wonderland

9: favorite song?

MIC DROP ASJGHSD

10: favorite band/singer?

I have too many but between bts and exo :3

11: sexual preference?

Indifferent to gender

12: virgin? If not, how old were you when you had sex for the first time?

No & 16

13: do you drink, if yes, tell me what?

Nah.

14: do you smoke?

No

15: ever did drugs?

No

16: ever visit a festival?

Yes

17: do you have pets? tell me about them!

I have 2 cats ✨

Ayumu & Kiyoshi

18: how many countries have you been to?

A lot , my dads travel 2 much

19: do you speak another language besides english? If yes, write a sentence in that language!

Korean - 안녕 사랑해!

Japanese - やあ、君を愛している！

and Arabic - مرحبا انا احبك!

They all say Hi, I love you! C:

20: vegan, vegetarian or meat eater?

21: be creative! write a short story about something that comes into your mind!

ASGIJSDHKJf i hate

one day we all heard zayn left the band and it was the worst day ever like they had a song called the best day ever no bitch this is the worst day ever and we all went 2 bed and it was all a mutual dream we all had (WTF WAS THIS ASKJGHKSD)

22: put your iPod on shuffle and tell me the first 10 songs

i don’t have my phone near me either

23: grab the nearest book and give me the last sentence of page 124

I have no books near me....

24: tell me about your crush

i’m answering his ask

25: any weird habits?

If i get scared i start sucking on the back of my thumb

26: ever been rude to a teacher?

Yeah

27: ever talked to yourself?

I always do...

28: extrovert or introvert?

In the middle

29: the most embarrassing moment in your life?

WHEN MY DAD GOT DRUNK AND STARTED FLIRTING wITH MY OTHER DAD AND WAS LIKE “u single”

and my other dad said “no.” and MY daD cRIEd AJHKGDS

30: what keeps you going?

🍯 you c: 🍯

31: ever thought about suicide?

Always

32: do you suffer from a mental illness?

Yeah

33: I'm bored, tell me something funny that happened to you!

I once fell down a flight of stairs because I thought someone was walking up them and I wanted to beat them, but like as I was falling I realised I was walking downstairs and no one was there.

34: your 5 favorite blogs

1. @spook-hyun

2. @lucidyeol

3. @hosvoks

4. @ultchen

5. any suggestion blog tbqh

35: 10 facts about yourself

1. I can bend my pinky all the way back lmao

2. It took me one night to learn Korean :’)

3. I’m a self taught artist

4. the first cat I ever had, I randomly found and I nursed him back to health and he never left me C:

5. I used to want to be a vet/or just someone around animals at all times

6. I used to live by the ocean and yet i’m lowkey afraid of it askJGHKSD

7. I started this blog as a safe space ✨

8. I have a twin sister who’s older than me by a minute

9. I have a younger sister who still calls me her little brother....

10. i’m madly in love

36: 3 things you like about yourself

Nothing

37: 3 things you hate about yourself

Everything

38: biggest turn on?

AHEH IM NOT DISCLOSING THAT I have a stalker who’s gonna try shit so no

29: biggest turn off?

someone who’s controlling. ;e; like i get if you’re like warning me abt something but if you’re like thisthen yeah fuck off.

30: when did you join tumblr?

January 2014

Luxury Asks:

bubble bath: do you have any routines before bedtime? like skin care, etc. what are they?

AHA YALL READY FOR THIS

I wash my face n then i brush my teeth and then i put lotion on and i change and then i drink green tea and watch anime lmao and that’s it

champagne: what topic could you talk about for hours?

You

crushed velvet: have you ever used your charm to get something you want?

AHEH HOW DO U THINK I GOT HYUN

diamonds: how do you feel about excessively spending money?

I mean, if it’s for a shopping spree for good reason (like u got cheated on and are trying to make yourself happy) then yeah, but if you do it everyday then no

faux fur: describe your wardrobe.

lots of oversized sweaters and jeans and cosplay outfits

glitter: describe someone special to you.

His eyes look like honey when the sun shines on them and every time it happens I fall in love

gold: describe what you would call the most perfect meal.

mY DADS KIMCHI COME FOR ME

jazz: name a song that resonates with you and your emotions. explain the reason why.

Go go because 

“I want to be cruisin’ on the bayI want to be cruisin’ like NemoNo money but I wanna go far awayI don’t have money but I wanna relaxNo money but I wanna eat Jiro Ono’s sushi

Worked hard to get my payGonna spend it all on my stomachPinching pennies to spend it all on wasting itLeave me be, even if I overspendEven if I break apart my savings tomorrowLike a crazy guy”

lace: what is something in your life completely different from last year?

My happiness

lingerie: do you consider yourself a promiscuous person?

If I remember the definition correctly 

kinda? but I stopped being that way

lipstick: do you enjoy talking to strangers?

n...no not at all lmAO unless it’s like at a comic con or something like that then yeah

pearls: what's something about your personality that surprises others?

I open up to people when I feel comfortable with them, like, I seem really shy and reserved but I open up to everyone I meet as long as I’m comfortable. 

penthouse: what would you consider your dream home? describe it.

AAAH my old house

perfume: if you could make your own signature fragrance, what would it smell like?

Ironically my cologne is really strong but it’s not so strong you’re like *dies inside*, it’s like, it’s strong so you remember it and if you smell it somewhere, you’re like “Zaire?”

robe: how do you prepare for an evening alone with a loved one/date?

I HYPE MYSELF UP AND THEN I GET READY LMAO

roses: If it had to be winter, autumn, spring or summer for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

AUTUMN AUTUMN AUTUMN LIKE 

AUTUMN ABT TO TURN WINTER YES

satin: what is your most favorite article of clothing?

this oversized as FUcK black sweater that says “fuck off” in japanese on the sleeves asghsdjkfl 

sheet mask: what's your favorite lazy activity?

drinking tea while watching anime

silk: do you have more inner or outer beauty?

Inner

silver: do you have any obscure hobbies? what are they?

I’ll draw on the wall and then i’ll paint over it??? unless i rlly rlly like it

sparkling water: what are your top three songs for the summer?

ew summer

wine: what kind of drunk are you (happy/affectionate, angry, sad, fun/wild)? if you don't drink, what kind do you think you WOULD be?

Well, 

one dad acts all normal and like he’s not drunk and he makes perfect sense and he’s fully aware of everything and can walk perfectly and cook

my biological dad on the other hand is all emotional and affectionate n happy n soft lMAO so i guess i’d be like my biological dad

wow bby i hope you enjoyed this

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

13 household items you definitely shouldn't use to masturbate

May is National Masturbation Month, and we're celebrating with Feeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but toothpaste is not a substitute for lube. 

Sometimes, left to our own devices, us humans will do stupid things — especially when horny. After scouring forums on which people described their weirdest masturbating tools (a lot of plastic baggies, a lot of doll parts?), I've put together a handy guide for what not to use when you're horny at home. 

Homebody horndogs, this list is for you. Be careful out there. 

1. Jar of peanut butter 

Guys, don't go chasing jars of Skippy. That's just fucking nuts.

Screw the cap back on and walk away.

Image: Getty Images / Austin Benight / EyeEm

2. Vacuum 

Cleaning equipment isn't the best idea for your equipment. Depending on your vacuum, there's potential for mangling— some have a blade right inside the tube, designed to chop larger bits and pieces so it doesn't clog. According to The British Medical Journal, there have been numerous instances of penis-in-vacuum disasters. Also, the intense suction could leave blisters. Not to mention it's a device used to suck dust and dirt off of your floor. Your Dyson and your Johnson aren't friends.

Pleasure doesn't exist in a vacuum. You can find it almost anywhere, just not here.

Image: Getty Images / Bertrand Demee

3. A knife handle

While the handle of your Mercer Culinary 10-inch Chef's Knife might look fit for insertion, it's not. The last thing you want to do is show up to the ER with bloody hands because you were "trying to masturbate with a knife." Cut it out! 

Perhaps a spatula would be a better option?

Image: Getty Images / mailmyworkdd

4. Anything wooden 

What's worse than a splinter? A splinter in your vagina or butthole. Don't use any wooden items around the house— a baseball bat, a spoon, etc.— unless, of course, it's a wooden dildo, made for the one specific purpose of pleasure. Who says men are the only ones that are allowed to sport wood? Wooden dildo makers, apparently. 

Ah, nature.

Image: Getty Images / ChiccoDodiFC

5. A dog's toy 

I'd imagine that getting off with a brightly colored plastic, possibly squeaky toy would be annoying more than anything. However, in addition to bacteria, you run the risk of your dog trying to reclaim what was once theirs. Fetch yourself a vibrator.

Imagine your dog walking in on you using its toy as a dildo. The shame!

Image: Getty Images / Emilija Manevska

6. A rolled up magazine

Arguably worse than a splinter is a paper cut. Don't risk your bits for an issue of Vanity Fair, even if Beto O'Rourke is on the cover.  

You think a paper cut on your pinky is bad?

Image: Getty Images / aroax 

7. Soap

PSA for anyone with genitals: soap is for cleaning, not creaming. The ingredients in a majority of body soaps aren't intended to be dispatched inside of genitals, especially over a period of time. While you might end up with gleaming genitals, they'll also be burning. 

The face of a man with soap in his urethra.

Image: Getty Images / gilaxia 

8. A toothbrush

Like many orthodontia related items, toothbrushes (especially the bristled side) are no good for achieving orgasm. After all, it's just a stick of plastic that's been sitting in your bathroom. In that aspect, it's not much different from using the handle on a plunger.   

You can tell she's thinking about it. I just hope she doesn't go through with it.

Image: Getty Images / kicsiicsi

9. Toothpaste 

Your sexual organs aren't at risk of getting cavities, so don't let a tube of Crest anywhere near them. That cooling mint sensation? Not so cool down there.

An accurate depiction of where toothpaste is supposed to go: on a toothbrush.

Image: Getty Images  /  Georgijevic

10. The couch

If you live alone, go for it. But most of us don't have a couch we can freely hump. This can be found in the The Code of Roommates Who Don't Jizz On Shared Furniture Handbook under clause #2872. 

Yes, the robot is drinking scotch and enjoying a cigar on the couch, but at least it's not masturbating.

Image: Getty Images / Javier Pierini

11. Peppers

I'm not sure what would compel someone to willfully use a pepper to obtain an orgasm, but if you are compelled, pause. Think about what this could do to your body. You're (hopefully) not an arsonist, so why are you trying to burn it down there?

Don't fall victim to a burning vagina.

Image: Getty Images / Vera Tikhonova

If you are still feeling compelled, here you'll find a story of a 24-year-old Margaret who absentmindedly touched herself after making chili. She barely survived. But the chili was good! So there's that. 

SEE ALSO: 10 different but equally enjoyable kinds of masturbation sessions

12. A pie

We've all seen American Pie, the movie that is aptly named for its iconic scene in which actor Jason Biggs goes to town with an apple pie. No need to recreate that scenario, though. You'll just end up with a big mess and short one perfectly good pie. 

He resisted the urge to violate the pie! And now he's enjoying a slice... on the floor!

Image: Getty Images / dtp

13. Cucumbers

I know, I know, you thought the list would end without a mention of cucumbers, the seemingly innocent phallic vegetable. While it's probably the most tame item on this list, it's not ideal because of the potential germs involved. The risk of bacteria just isn't worth it. If you can get past putting a condom on a cucumber, then all the power to you. 

This cucumber doesn't seem to be in the mood.

Image: Getty Images / VladimirFLoyd

Next time you're looking around the house for something to pleasure yourself with, just use a toy made for sexual play. Or your hand. Just make sure you wash your hands after making anything involving peppers.

WATCH: Usually you shouldn't mix business with pleasure, unless it's with this keyboard waffle iron

[34choco]

im trying to see if a second watch will make me like the mlp movie more but i think it’s just solidifying how much i hate this animation. it’s like they totally threw the book in the trash for how these ponies are supposed to move and emote and in trying to be more detailed they made them less expressive and slower to react. and their mouths can’t keep up with the voice acting because every lip flap is just fucking throwing their jaw as far as it can go!! 

like, the villain’s motivation makes no sense, she wants to help the storm king steal the princesses magic so that she can get her horn back because breaking her horn is why her friends abandoned her. except when twilight offers tempest a new life and friendship, she says she doesn’t want friends. so what would she accomplish by getting her horn back? nothing. she doesn’t want to destroy everyone, she doesn’t want world domination, she doesn’t really care if the storm king succeeds, so her entire point falls flat. she didn’t even need to be in this movie except that they wanted a cool edgy horse with a tragic past.

except they did that way fucking better with the tv show’s pastel pony villains. their motivations make sense, their pretty aesthetic doesn’t make them less intimidating, and with logical motivations, they don’t have to fall for (super obvious from ten miles away) betrayal by a higher up villain to turn them around so they can be reformed. examples include: sunset shimmer, starlight glimmer, or if you want to go for a darker look they even have a few of those with sci-twi/midnight sparkle, princess luna/nightmare moon, OR if you want one that wasn’t reformed, look no further than queen chrysalis!!!! what i’m saying is mlp:fim KNOWS how to do villains!!!! this movie does not!!!

they didn’t even manage a good internal conflict! the emotional climax is twilight being left behind by her friends after she tries to take things into her own hands, which she did after being frustrated with her friends FOR THINGS THAT SHE’S TOTALLY JUSTIFIED IN BEING MAD ABOUT!!! twilight was being reasonably cautious in jumping ship thinking the pirates would betray them. again, that’s a valid concern when just before this leg of their journey they were betrayed by someone who made themself out to be a trustworthy and helpful friend! (and yes, i know he immediately regretted that decision as soon as rarity was genuinely kind to him, but they didn’t get the chance to see that.) and trying to steal the magic pearl thingy was definitely not the way to go, but by that point she had plenty of reason to think the seaponies wouldn’t be willing to help. the queen seemed entirely uninterested in the wellbeing of creatures that weren’t her own, nobody outside of equestria they’d met had seemed to share quite the same values as ponies, so twilight didn’t know how to appeal to them, and her friends made stupid decisions that put them in even more danger. the other ponies should have tried to discuss things with her before doing all that stuff that made her not trust them.

the songs? not great. not terrible, except that fucking mess tempest “sang” (more like squawked and and then autotuned the shit out of). and i’m really not a fan of sia in this movie, not because she’s bad or anything, but because it’s SO fucking WEIRD to hear her fake ass accent when singing after she spoke like everyone else in the beginning of the movie. there’s no way i’m the only person who feels that way. anyway, the music in the show is much better at integrating itself into the story and moving things forward. the only song that really felt like it fit in like mlp songs usually do was the one pinkie pie sang with skystar. the others felt really forced in there, twilight herself says it’s not a great time for a song when rainbow started hers. the first song in the movie really set the precedent for how awkward transitions into the musical numbers would be.

another issue i had was like, inconsistency with existing characters? 

first one was songbird serenade. i get that movies usually include some famous person doing a song for promotional purposes, but the movie already has a ton of stars making cameos, and in universe the already established the pop star, countess coluratura. why not bring her back and have lady gaga do her voice for the movie? they’re already similar enough in style and sound, and lady gaga is known to like mlp (although i think she’s into retro mlp). it would make more sense to invite someone they’re actually Friends with to perform at their Friendship festival.

secondly,  the princesses were taken out SO easily???? we’ve seen the princesses have the power to have like, fucking dbz level fights. all it takes is the equivalent of a good soccer player to take out FOUR ALL-POWERFUL PRINCESSES, two of which have THOUSANDS of years of honing their abilities over their attacker. there wasn’t even a struggle. luna could have transported into somebody’s dream to escape, i’m sure at least one pony in all of equestria could have been taking an afternoon nap. but no, she gets like thirty feet and fuckin futbolpop-berrykick bops her with that magic-stone-ball thing. even twilight was captured super easily, when she’s arguably the strongest of all the alicorns in a fight.

third. our beloved characters that didn’t even have cameos till the end credits. WHERE were discord, trixie, and starlight during all this???? discord and starlight are NOT the type of characters to sit out and let stuff like this resolve itself! and there’s no explanation as to why they’re not at this huge festival! not even a throwaway line! discord fucking loves parties, you know he would be there!!! starlight is always with twilight, they live together, so what would her excuse even be? wouldn’t a friendship festival be the perfect opportunity for twilight to teach her some new lessons? they could have said, oh, starlight is out helping trixie with a show out of town, but nope! nothing! we just pretend they don’t exist even though this is the canonverse!

this movie wasn’t even just a cash grab! (although turning the mane 6 into seaponies totally was lol) they used it to set up the new goal for the next season of the show!!!! it just didn’t need to be any of this garbage that they went with. the main thing they needed to accomplish was traveling to multiple different realms outside of equestria and befriend other types of creatures, establishing that twilight’s job as the princess of friendship and her friends as the holders of the elements of harmony were not done once they got through to all of equestria. i’m pretty sure you could ask a bunch of random longtime fans of the show and 8 out of 10 could come up with a better story for the movie on the spot.

i’m not saying the movie can’t be enjoyed as is, i’m saying that it’s not up to par with the cartoon it stems from, and as a fan of the show it’s disappointing that a theatrical release would be so poor quality in comparison to a tv series of which the movie’s writers were veterans of.

[rantsaboutponies]

My Little Pony: The Movie

Yes, this is the 2017 one I’m talking about. I’m not going to pull a switcheroo and review the 1986 one. Like I said, bad title.

If you want to read along while watching the movie, you may do so as long as you’re not in a theater. DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR PHONE IN THE THEATER. I don’t care if you turned the brightness down or if you hold it in your lap; EVERYONE CAN STILL SEE IT. YOU’RE BEING AN ASSHOLE.

Anyway, on with the review! Spoilers abound, so fair warning!

Oh, and this movie is rated PG for “mild action”. What the hell is wrong with you, MPAA?

Good lord, the absolute grandiosity of the title logo... All right, all right, I’m not going to nitpick something as minor as the logo. Calm down.

My thought process: “Hey, this synth bit sounds kinda like the intro to ‘We Got the Beat’ by The Go-Go’s. I wonder if they realize that.”

Two seconds later: “OH, FUCK, IT IS. IT IS THAT SONG. NO. STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW. RRRRRGGGGGHHHH.”

Well, THAT threw me for a loop! Holy shit, am I glad the show’s budget isn’t large enough to include covers of popular songs.

Ah, we’re showcasing the new animation with a flyover/through of Canterlot. I’m not going to be mentioning the animation quality every other paragraph (even though I could), so instead I’ll just say everything up front. I mentioned in an earlier post that it looked like the animators were suddenly unaware of how to use the program, as though they had all traded jobs or something. It turns out that wasn’t far off! According to sources, the animation software being used on this movie is Toon Boom Harmony, not Flash, so the animators working on this movie are either 1. the same animators using an unfamiliar program, or 2. different animators who are used to working with Harmony but are not used to animating this show. And if you look at the stuff they’ve worked on, they’re all either just 2D (The Simpsons, The Congress) or just 3D (The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water), not anything that has attempted to integrate both. The opening shot of the ponies flying through the clouds and through Canterlot looks like 2D assets trying to move through a 3D environment! It doesn’t help that the 3D assets (like the buildings and the landscape) are all really, really cheap-looking, like they were resources saved from a movie from 10-20 years ago and never updated. Also, the 3D assets tend to move fluidly (like 3D assets do), whereas the 2D assets attached to the same figure move with a lower framerate (like 2D assets do), which is a little jarring.

And holy crap, look at those two characters walk towards the screen! That’s some first-year animation student work right there!

Okay, okay, I said I wasn’t going to harp on the animation the whole time. Fine. Instead, here’s a complaint I’m sure will sound familiar to regular readers: Wow, you really like your exposition dumps right out of the gate, don’t you, writers? Except this time, you don’t have the excuse of “Well, we only had 22 minutes, so we had to get all the information out there quickly!” This movie is 99 minutes long! That’s four-and-a-half times the length! At this point, it’s just sloppy!

Random pony: Princess Twilight is great under pressure!

Twilight: Oh, my goodness, I can’t handle this!

Trombone: Wah-wah!

Oh, goddamnit, are we bringing back the wah-wah jokes? Son of a...

GAH! That closeup shot of Twilight is just creepy! Adding more details just because you’re closer to a subject isn’t always the best idea!

“What’chu talkin’ ‘bout?” FUCK STOP FUCK STOP FUCK STOP FUCK

Still creepy! Why do her eyes look like that? This is unsettling! Please stop focusing on her face!

Ha, Pinkie Pie was blowing a balloon into the camera, and then she turned and revealed it’s actually a really long balloon, but we couldn’t see that because of the angle we were watching from! Ha ha ha! ...Was...was that meant to be a joke? Because I really can’t figure out what other reason you would have to show it that way. These new animators are bizarre.

Oh, hey, she was making Discord! He’s not actually in the movie, but, you know, fanservice!

All right, Angel dressed as a parrot made me chuckle, but why the hell would Fluttershy force him to do that?

“Faster if I do my Sonic Rainboom!” How? How would that help you complete this task any faster? What sense does that make? Oh, wait, don’t tell me...fanservice.

“Raised in a barn!” Yes, thank you. You have beaten that joke thoroughly into the ground by now. Please move on.

Ah, good, Pinkie Pie is continuing her trend of being loud, irritating, and making things worse by opening her stupid face. Some things haven’t changed.

Okay, this is two songs in the first eight minutes. Just how many are there?

“Eeyup!” HE SAID IT.

Yeah, you can show me Cheese Sandwich all you want. I know “Weird Al” isn’t in this movie.

Security guard #1: “Do you have visual on the buttercream?”

Security guard #2: “Visual confirmed, go for cleanup.”

...

Audience: *cough*

I mean, they left in a pause for laughter and everything. They were expecting that to get a laugh.

Balloon: *gets squished*

Random background pony: Bryan! Noooooo!

Me: 

I don’t...I’m not...are these...jokes? I’m...I...

You’d think they’d have heard of this villain. He seems like he has a wide sphere of influence.

“There’s one of you! And hundreds of us!” Yes, Luna, I’m sure they brought that giant airship because there’s only one of them. This is why you’re not in charge.

Wow, the, uh...the crystals forming over Cadence are, um...am I allowed to say anything more about the animation?

DURR HURR IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY GOT TWILIGHT BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY DERPY AND ANYTHING INVOLVING DERPY IS FUNNY. FAAAAAAANSERRRRRRVIIIIIIIIIICE.

Every word out of this minion’s mouth makes me want to punch him. It’s Michael Peña’s best role since CHiPs! Apparently he ad-libbed most of his dialogue. It shows.

“Yay.” SHE SAID IT.

“Boingy boingy boingy boingy!” UGH.

Pinkie Pie: “Anypony up for a game of I Spy?”

Everypony else: “UGH.”

See? SEE?! I’m not the only one! She’s even starting to annoy the other main characters by this point! What are you even doing?

So Tempest got...a phone call...except it’s not a phone call, it’s a potion that you pour into a brazier...but it still has a ringtone...and it sounds like a dial-up connection... How do they use it more than once? Also, FUCK YOU WITH YOUR STUPID FUCKING

Why does the Storm King’s emblem look like the Starcraft II logo?

“Sorry, bad spell service.” FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Meanwhile, in the town from Assassin’s Creed...

“Hmm. Interesting.” Well, I know someone who’s getting a lot of furry fetish fanart made of him!

“I’ll take the picture of your sister!” Heh. Okay, movie. That’s two.

Wow, Taye Diggs’s voice does not fit that character design.

“...parts will fall off.” Did the guy immediately grab for his crotch when he said that? Wow, movie! Where’s your PG for “mild rude humor”?

Someone should tell the animators that Spike isn’t pursuing Rarity anymore. Since, like, Season 2.

Oh, god, don’t sing! I was kind of starting to like you, Capper! This doesn’t really seem in-character!

Why does it seem like this character would have been Discord if they hadn’t “redeemed” him like three times by this point?

Yes, Fluttershy is afraid of bats. Great knowledge of the character there, movie.

“Ooh! So many fun breakables!” Fuck you, Pinkie.

Good lord, Emily Blunt really could be intimidating if she weren’t undercut by Michael Peña at every fucking TURN! It’s the slugs from Epic all over again!

Yes, “The Girl from Ipanema”. A common song all throughout Equestria or the Badlands or whatever. The random popular songs interspersed throughout a movie (based on a show that does not HAVE them) that also has its own original songs really do not fit! They really don’t! Just because you can afford it now doesn’t mean you have to do it.

“WAIT!” *random cat noise* That...might have made sense if you didn’t play those two sounds at the same time. I’m not sure how he could talk and yowl simultaneously. Come on, sound editors.

Boy, how convenient that Tempest found them at that exact point, huh?

Y’know, showing Pinkie Pie grinning like an idiot as they’re all running for their lives doesn’t exactly endear me to her, animators.

Oh, no! Pinkie fell! What a tragedy! Maybe if you let her die, she wouldn’t keep fucking up your shit!

GOD, I HATE THIS FUCKING MINION.

Bird Guy: “We scar ‘em...”

Rarity: *gasp*

Bird Guy: “...emotionally!”

Fluttershy: *cries*

Pff... All right, you got me! That one was actually worth an audible laugh! That makes you three for...I don’t know, fifty?

I have a serious question. Was this supposed to be released in 3D, but then they dropped that for some reason? There seems to be a lot of “stuff coming straight toward the camera” action.

Are we seriously still doing the “people trying to kill each other stop when the shift whistle blows” joke? That was old 50 years ago!

I’m not sure I’ve seen a musical with songs this...out of nowhere. I mean, I’m sure worse examples exist, but none that I’m familiar with.

Are these pirates supposed to be...giant parrots (because, y’know, pirates and parrots)? Why does this world have giant parrots? Everything in the entire series is the size it is in the real world. Including the parrots we saw earlier in the movie! Why giant parrots?

Ah, good, Rainbow Dash is still a FUCKING IDIOT. Glad you’re keeping that change from the show, too!

So let me get this straight. Storm King is concerned about projecting an image of fearsomeness and strength...but he sells bobbleheads of himself as merchandise? You know, you don’t have to be this stupid, movie! You don’t! You really don’t!

GOD, they need to stop showing closeups of their faces. THEY’RE. SO. CREEPY.

“Oh, this is inteeeeeense!” WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN IF YOU HADN’T SAID THAT. LET A MOMENT LAND, MOVIE. LET. A MOMENT. FUCKING. LAND.

Oh, good, here’s where that terrifying shot from the trailer comes in.

And Rarity stopped to look at herself in the mirror while falling to her death. HURR HURR HURR.

Oh, look! Pinkie is about to get them killed again! GET RID OF HER.

“That’s it! I simply cannot even!” Oh, fuck off. Whoever wrote that line, fuck off.

“I hate epic adventures!” I’m sure starting to.

Wow, Twilight, you held your breath for, like, 10 seconds. Good job.

Well, here it is. We knew it was coming. Seaponies. Honestly, even though I should be annoyed (because FANSERVICE), they actually fit this world pretty well (way better than giant anthropomorphic cats or whatever the hell the inhabitants of that Badlands city were).

But then they turn the Mane Six into seaponies.

And I’m reminded of “The Crystal Empire (Part 2)”.

And you only introduced these characters to sell new toys of the Mane Six, didn’t you?

And fuck you.

“Yay.” SHE SAID IT. AGAIN.

Don’t sing. Please don’t sing. I think what makes these songs even more out-of-nowhere is the fact that all the other non-pony characters are immediately in on the song, no matter how they were feeling or what they were doing right before it started.

Um...Twilight’s not wrong, you guys! Everyone you’ve come across so far has tried to fuck you over! Including the seaponies! Why wouldn’t she just try to steal the thing?

But, of course, she wouldn’t get captured if everyone else didn’t leave her all alone to mark the act break. The rest of them are even seen sitting on a gray and dismal seashore afterwards! Jesus Christ, it’s like all the tropes from Scriptwriting for Children’s Movies 101 are in this thing! You are allowed to try harder than this, you know!

Twilight: Why are you doing this? You’re a pony, like me!

Me: I’m nothing like you!

Tempest: I’m nothing like you!

Me: Come on!

Oh, god, don’t sing. I can hear the lead-in. I can see you want to express your emotions and fill in your backstory so badly! Please don’t! Please don’t please don’t please don’t AGGGGGHHHHH

Man, I bet when the Ursa Major scratched her face, Tempest bled so! Ha! ...I’m sorry.

Are you kidding me? She has the same character motivation as Starlight Glimmer? Her friends (all two of them) left her in one particular incident, so now she’s sworn off friendship forever (instead of just, I don’t know, finding new friends? You had to have had more than two.)

Hold on, did Tempest...beam that flashback into Twilight’s head? Because otherwise, I don’t know how she would have gathered that information.

“Well, look what the cat dragged in! Himself!” Um...burn?

NO. BULLSHIT. HOW DID THEY ESCAPE? HOW? IT DOESN’T COUNT IF YOU DON’T SHOW IT. WHY WOULD YOU CUT OUT A POTENTIALLY AWESOME ACTION SCENE FOR THIS SHIT? NO. FUCK YOU.

Then again, there are only five pirates left. I guess the rest were slaughtered.

Honestly, the Storm King just looks like Tirek. They might as well have reused him.

Boy, I haven’t seen Liev Schreiber play such an nonthreatening villain since X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Blast from the past! I’m glad he’s been in the movie so much up to this point so that I actually give a shit about him being the main bad guy for the last 20 minutes!

Uh-huh. And where were the other two pirates hiding? Only three jumped out of that cake.

The guard was taken down by...cupcakes. Do you even care anymore?

HOLY FUCK PINKIE’S FACE IS TERRIFYING. NEVER SHOW ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN. YOU ARE SERIOUSLY GOING TO GIVE CHILDREN NIGHTMARES.

And he’s using Spike like a flamethrower. He can’t...oh, whatever.

Why does she even need her horn restored? She seems pretty powerful as she is.

“Why are you saving me?” “Because this is what friends do.” No, this is what decent fucking people do! if you’re about to watch someone die and you can do something to prevent it, you don’t have to be their friend to do so! You just have to be not a sociopath!

Oh, no! Twilight flew off with the main villain! She’s dead for sure! Oh, what? She’s not? What a shock. Nice heavy-handed angelic imagery, by the way.

Couldn’t she have blasted the XBOX rock out of the way or grabbed it or something instead of letting it hit her?

“So...now what?” “Now we rebuild.” No, wait, that’s the ending from San Andreas. A much better movie, I might add.

OH, THE FIRST ONE THEY DECALCIFIED WAS DERPY. EVERYTHING IS DERPY. DERPY DERPY DERPY.

Okay, who the hell was the “Way to go, guys!” pony? That was very obviously supposed to be someone specific, but I am unaware of this behind-the-scenes tidbit.

So they unfroze everypony, but they still didn’t fix Tempest’s horn? What a bunch of dicks!

“You know, your horn is pretty powerful, just like the pony it belongs to.” Didn’t I say that? What the hell was the conflict here?

That’s what you end the movie on, eh? Pinkie Pie’s squealing? Okey dokey then.

AND DERPY’S IN THE CREDITS TOO HERF DERF WERF LERF

And, of course, no kids’ movie would be complete without LUKAS GRAAAAAAAHAM.

Wait, Rachel Platten sang that cover of “We Got the Beat”? The singer who gave us “Fight Song”? Well, no wonder it sucked!

Rating: 1/4 stars.

This movie had a review embargo on it on Rotten Tomatoes until the release date. That’s never a good sign.

I think maybe they thought that, by making the movie darker, it would make it more suitable for theatrical viewing. It doesn’t. It’s just...odd. Especially when they add really stupid jokes to lighten the tone.

I can say that you can probably see the movie without having seen the show, which is a positive. There aren’t any plot details that require outside information to understand, but WOW is there enough fanservice if that’s what you’re looking for. In fact, it might be better if you haven’t seen the show because boy, oh, boy, do they introduce a lot of characters that the ponies on the show would definitely be aware of if this made any sense. On that note, if this is set in the canon Equestria from the show, then holy shit are the ponies the most callous and/or oblivious sociopaths I’ve ever seen in a children’s program. Not only are they all apparently completely unaware of the fact that everything outside of Equestria is complete shit (aside from the fact that everywhere seems to be impoverished, they’re all totally oblivious to the fact that the Storm King has taken over THE REST OF THE WORLD), but they don’t actually fix that by the end! I guess the hippogriffs can come out of hiding now, and the Storm King’s faceless henchmen all seem to be good guys at the end since they’re all at the party, but for all we know, the badlands are still inhabited entirely by goblin monster things and their shady black market shit! We never saw what happened to them! And if the parrots are now all pirates instead of merchants, does that mean they’re going to start robbing everyone? Congratulations, Rainbow Dash! You’ve significantly increased the amount of crime across the entire world! Good job, you fucking idiot!

Twilight is ridiculously selfish, which is really odd considering we know she knows better by this point. Her moral in this movie is that she has to learn to rely on her friends and not just try to do everything based on her own effort and ideas. Y’know, AGAIN. How many fucking times has Twilight had to learn this lesson over and over and over again? And people say that Fluttershy’s episodes are repetitive.

I was hoping that at some point I would become used to the animation. For comparison, Fantastic Mr. Fox has a really ugly animation style, but you don’t really think anything of it after the first 20-30 minutes. That never happened with this movie. Every time I thought I was getting used to the animation style, someone would turn or move or make a face, and it would just look creepy or just plain awful again.

You know what’s kind of sad, though? Emily Blunt is really good in this. She’s really putting in a lot of effort for this character, and the design is pretty good, too! She’s actually kind of awesome, especially compared to Liev Schreiber (who so could not have given less of a shit about his role) and Michael Fucking Peña, who are just terrible. Even if I didn’t entirely understand her nonsensical motivation, Tempest was honestly the best part of the movie.

Boy, between this and Leap!, if an animated movie advertises that it “features an original song by Sia”, run!