#I hope I don’t come off as pretentious in this I just love learning and talking about things and having information

[nadekofannumber1]

Are there any visual novels that you are interested in playing?

Yeah, I feel like there’s a lot I want to read but I only ever have so much time. I do intend on getting through them eventually tho. Im even currently on one now along side a friend. Oddly enough I’ve done a little bit of research on VN history and watched videos on some stuff as research BC I’m also just into old video games (like if you wanted to learn about dante98(the first rpgmaker) you might want to know surrounding culture of pc98 vn stuff and the effects games like Portopia had). There’s also many interesting ways western CRPG and Classic point and click games intersect with VNs as a concept (lotta history won’t elaborate now)

TLDR: yeah.

Also the vn I’m reading is Tsukihime, I’ll prolly read more nasu works at some point after I’m done.

[jihyoruri]

❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ I DON’T SMOKE kim chaewon x reader

↳ warnings richgirl!yn, read these two parts before this one if you haven’t already, aespa girlies coming in clutch, kazuha being amazing, everything is …., pov switch’s between yn and chaewon, swearing, mentions of this work

CHAEWON WASN'T GONNA LIE , she’s been trying to erase what happened the other day with her stupid decision to kiss yn from her mind.

what was she thinking? of course that wouldn’t make yn think she didn’t like her. it definitely bosted the girls ego and chaewon couldn’t stand it.

and today is a prime example of that.

“yn, if you don’t hurry up right now I’ll-”

“you’ll what kiss me?” the girl cut chaewon off flashing the leader a cocky smile, “shiver me timbers.”

“you should be glad, I’m actually getting ready faster than I usually do, if you guys would’ve let me install my own washroom this wouldn’t be a problem.”

chaewon shut her eyes and tried to calm down her breathing, how privileged can this girl get?

“you are insufferable,” chaewon said clenching her fists, “I’ll just see if yunjin is done with the other washroom.”

“yeah, you go do that, I’m gonna need like another hour,”

chaewon groan was heard as she left the washroom door way and went down the hall and yn couldn’t help but smile to herself at the sound, she found it amusing how worked up chaewon got, but it was all fun and games right? no way chaewon hated her that passionately.

yn wasn’t gonna lie, as much as she didn’t show it, she was getting pretty in her head about that kiss, she got the same feeling in her chest that she gets when she’s teasing chaewon when they kissed.

she always get’s that feeling in her chest when it comes to chaewon, but she’s learned to just shake it off, taking it as the thrill of not giving chaewon the satisfaction of seeing her hurt by her words.

because she wasn’t hurt, at least that’s what yn would tell herself.

yn wasn’t lying when she said she needed another hour, the girls were going out to lunch and to be honest outside of group activities yn didn’t hang out with the girls much, she mostly hung out with four certain girls under sm entertainment, but this time kazuha said she had to come, so here she is.

an hour has passed and yn still isn’t ready, she adjusted the headband on her head as she looked through the washroom to see if her eyeliner was in there, she hadn’t seen it since she leant to kazuha the other night.

she had her outfit and everything on but she just needed her eyeliner.

she headed outside the washroom, deciding it would be better to just ask kazuha where her eyeliner was, she could hear all the girls voices in the living room, probably waiting for her.

as she walked closer their muffled voices became more clear.

“she mentioned getting a washroom in her room again,” chaewons voice was clear, “it sounded so pretentious.”

yn couldn’t help but furrow her eyebrows at the leaders words, she mentioned how they didn’t let her get one, it wasn’t like she was complaining, at least she hoped it didn’t sound like she was.

she softened when she heard kazuha’s voice, “she was probably joking, you know yn, she loves getting on your nerves.”

“oh I know yn, she’s a spoiled brat.”

yn fidgeted at how chaewon voice sounded, she was ready to walk in there and put on a show and act like she didn’t hear the familiar words of chaewon’s but then she heard yunjin’s voice.

“did you hear about her being requested to be on one of nayeon sunbae’s new songs for her comeback, I heard her talking about it on the phone with ningning.”

yn cringed at the way yunjin’s voice sounded, was that her voice always sounded when she wasn’t around? she was planning on telling them the good news at lunch but she’s kinda glad she didn’t just hearing the sounds they made at yunjin’s words.

“that’s so good,” kazuha replied , “yn’s so talented of course they would reach out to her.” the girl said causing yn to smile a little, hearing her friends words but it’s completely wiped off by yunjin’s response.

“yeah….but,” yunjin trails off, “I wonder if her dad had something to do with it, I mean a member of twice asking for a collab?”

yn scrunched up her face, just listening to the girls words, her father has had nothing to do with her music, he was too focused on his business to care.

she wanted to leave and go back to her room, but she couldn’t find herself to move.

“yn’s been on high demand though,” kazuha says coming to yn’s defence, “everyone loves her, artists and the general public of course she’s gonna be asked to be on a song.”

“I’m kinda with yunjin,” sakura says, her and yn didn’t have the closet relationship but it still stung hearing her elders words, “yn has been on like four songs this year, and how many brands has she done stuff with? it’s gotta be-”

“daddy’s money.” chaewon finishes for sakura, “it’s obvious, the only people that I actually believe are obsessed with yn are the men in this country, they all see her as some sick joke, a toy that they can play with, just look at when we filmed knowing bros.”

yn clenched her fists at the mention of the show, that day was humiliating, she was glad that karina came to her rescue because if not, she didn’t know what she would do.

yunjin laughed at the memory, “that joke was kinda funny though, yn can be on the slow side sometimes.”

her words made eunchae giggle, “yeah that was funny.” she said copying yunjin’s words.

“that was not funny at all.” kazuha said her voice firm, “they were making fun of her, like some sick joke.”

“is it a joke if it’s true?” chaewon said with amusement in her tone, “yn isn’t the brightest star.”

yn couldn’t believe she was here listening to her members trash talk her like this, while they think she’s in the other room, if could physically let herself cry she would right now, but she can’t, she won’t embarrass herself like that.

“yn went to one of most prestigious schools to exist, no idol has ever been to that school,” kazuha says coming to yn’s defence again.

“and who do you think got her into the school?” chaewon asked, “daddy of course.”

the girls laughed at chaewon’s words, “I honestly think she was kinda sensitive during knowing bros, she didn’t laugh at one joke.”

“why would she?” kazuha said yn could hear the annoyance in her friends voice, “the whole show was just them sexualizing her and making fun of her.”

“oh, stop being dramatic.” both sakura and yunjin said at the same time.

is it dramatic to say yn was in shock at her members words, did they have no sympathy? that was one of the worst days of yn’s life, the whole time she was just treated horribly while everyone laughed, she can bet if it was one of the other girls they wouldn’t have found it amusing.

she can remember the day like yesterday, as soon as they got back to the dorms yn and called one of her dads drivers go drive her to aespa’s dorms, telling them what happened, and they sure didn’t find it amusing like her members did.

her nails were starting to create marks in her hands as she listened to girls call kazuha dramatic.

she wonders what more have they said about her, when she wasn’t around.

“okay, I’m done listening to you guys act like assholes, I’m gonna go check to see if yn’s ready.”

yn couldn’t move fast, she flinched back when she came face to face with kazuha who paled when she saw yn.

“yn?”

“yeah,” with the way yn’s voice sounded who would’ve never guessed she was just listening to her group members shit on her.

“did you hear anything that was said?” kazuha asked searching yn’s face for any hint of sadness or hurt.

“hear what?” yn said cheerfully, playfully pinching kazuha’s cheek, “are you planning me a surprise or something?”

yn didn’t know how she could quickly act like everything was okay, especially since this is the worst she’s ever felt in a while, I guess she has just grown used to doing this a lot.

kazuha opened her mouth to respond but yn cut her off, “have you seen my eyeliner, I’ve been trying to look for it.”

“oh.” kazuha says, “it’s on my desk.”

“okay let me just get that, and then I’ll be ready, feel free to tell the girls,” yn says before speed walking towards kazuha’s room.

kazuha watched as yn walked away feeling a queasy frying her stomach, all she could think to herself is how much she just wanted yn to show her emotions and tell her how she truly feels.

yn felt like she was underwater all the talking muffled as her members talked amongst each other, she found it hard to engage after hearing their such strong opinions about her.

yn feels like she could smoke ten packs of cigarettes right now, just to feel numb to it all.

she felt a nudge on her shoulder and she turned to kazuha who looked at her with concern, “you good?” the girl asked a little bit too loud causing the table to quite down all their eyes on yn.

chaewon rolled her eyes at yn’s silence, definitely thinking about how much yn’s probably loving the attention right now, when it’s quite the opposite.

“yeah I’m good.” yn says, there’s still silence, “actually I think I’m gonna go.”

“woah what?” yunjin says watching yn grab her purse.

“why?” kazuha asked gripping yn’s arm.

“yeah, I totally forgot that I have some stuff to do with my dad.” yn says tugging her arm out of kazuha’s grip.

“such a daddy’s girl.” chaewon says causing eunchae to giggle.

“you can’t do it another time?” sakura asked.

yn tried her best to stop herself from glaring at them, they want her go stay after all the things they said about her? seriously?

“nope!” she responded, “sorry you know how he is, lunch is on me.” she says digging into her purse and slapping a stack of cash that could probably cover the lunch into kazuha’s hands who looked at her with even more concern.

“you don’t have too.” yunjin says looking at the money in kazuha’s hands, “we were just gonna pay.”

“no it’s okay, daddy’s money should cover it.” yn says a bit of bite in her tone causing chaewon to furrow her eyebrows.

“see you guys later.” she says giving kazuha a squeeze on her shoulder before leaving, ignoring the eyes of her members that were on her.

as she walked out the restaurant one of her dads divers were outside waiting for her, she texted him 10 minutes before she told the girls she was leaving, she couldn’t take it in there anymore, she felt suffocated.

“where to?” the diver asked as she sat in the backseat.

“you already know.” yn said as the man nodded.

yn immediately pulled out her phone and texted yizhuo everything that went down.

yiz baby 🎀 wtf?????

yiz baby 🎀 that’s insane

yiz baby 🎀 what did you ever do to them

she sighed at her friends text messages and looked out the window watching the buildings pass, she couldn’t help but think maybe she did do something to them.

she wasn’t even supposed to be in the lesserafim lineup but got added last minute, she moved around a lot, she was a sm trainee and was apart of the aespa lineup, then she moved to hybe after her dad started business with them, she got taken from source and moved to ador just for source to take her back and quickly add her to the lesserafim lineup, she was an intruder.

she wasn’t meant to be apart of this family, maybe they do have the right to be mean, she just came out of know where and probably ruined everything for them.

yn knew if she closed her eyes tears would fall so she kept them open until a familiar building came to view.

aespa’s dorm.

she got of the car and thanked the driver and make her way into the building.

as she made it to the door she knocked three times and it immediately opened to reveal yizhuo who wrapped her arms around yn.

“what the hell, yn.”

“I know.”

yizhuo dragged yn inside and closed the door walking the girl over to the living room where the rest of aespa sat looking at the tv.

aeri noticed her first, “yn!” she cheered getting up from the couch causing jimin and minjeong to get up as well all three of them giving yn a hug at the same time.

“yizhuo showed us the texts.” jimin said wrapping her arm around yn’s shoulder and leading her to couches.

“yeah…”

“what the hell is there problem?” aeri asked with anger in her voice, “you’ve done nothing wrong.” she said watching yn leaning into jimin’s side and burying her face into the girls neck.

“honestly I was thinking about it.” yn said her voice kind of muffled because of her being squished into jimin, “maybe I did do something to them.”

“what?!” all four girls yelled in disbelief at yn’s words.

she lifted herself from jimin’s side and looked at all of them, “I’m an intruder, I wasn’t supposed to be apart of their family, I came in and probably ruined everything for them, if anything they can mean as they want, hybe can be frustrating and I guess I’m the best person to take that frustration out on and that’s okay.”

“what the fuck yn” yizhuo says looking at her best friend as if she grew five heads, “what type of nonsense just came out of your mouth.”

yn’s mouth drops in offence and minjeong cuts in, “you’ve done nothing wrong yn, it’s pure jealousy, don’t ever blame yourself for this.”

jimin rubbed yn’s shoulder, “stop giving them the benefit of the doubt, they don’t deserve it after today.”

“and can you cry a little?” yizhuo asked, “you can’t keep bottling things up, it’s unhealthy.”

“that’s so embarrassing, never suggest that dumb shit to be again.” yn said to yizhuo firmly, “could imagine my mom and dad’s reaction if they saw me crying or my brothers, it’s crazy that you even suggested it.”

yizhuo shook her head at her best friend in disbelief, “I’m convinced you and your family are robots.”

that was the first time yn had fully laughed all day, she was happy that she had these four girls in her life, she didn’t know what she was gonna do when she has to go back her dorm.

“you should sleepover.” jimin suggested, “you already have clothes here, you need a break.”

all the girls nodded in agreement as yn thought about it.

“okay, I just need to text zuha.”

rich princess 💗staying at nings

kazuha frowned at the text, she just wanted to be there for yn.

“oh?” she flinched back at chaewon’s closeness, “so she’s a liar and a spoiled brat.” she says looking at kazuha’s phone, “blowing off your own group for another?”

“maybe she already did the stuff with her dad, you know she always goes to the aespa dorms after she goes out.” kazuha said coming to yn’s defence.

“why do you care anyways.”

chaewon swallowed at kazuha’s words.

“I don’t, why would I care?” she asked glaring at kazuha. but the way she said it kinda made it seem like she was saying to herself instead of kazuha.

why would I care about what yn does ?

[shadowkoo]

Just Dance It Off

→ Summary: You're over the moon when you land the female lead in the end-of-semester show. It feels like your hard work has finally paid off, everything is going great. Well, until you learn who your partner is…

↠ jimin x f.reader | 9.5k words | 18+ ↠ genre: smut, angst, fluff, ballet dancers au, enemies to lovers, performing arts college au

→ Warnings: explicit and unprotected sex, jealousy, masturbation, alcohol consumption, underage drinking, use of fake ID, mild exhibitionism, creampie, hair pulling, angry sex, nipple play, degradation, dirty talk, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, multiple smut scenes, heavy teasing & banter, edging, orgasm denial, light choking

→ Author Note: This is a rewrite of an old 2019 fic of mine, so I hope you enjoy the newest version! If you’d like to read this on ao3 instead it’s been crossposted here! Also a biiiiiiig thank you so Sarah @caelesjjk for beta editing this for me. Go show her some love if you aren't already following her! As always, all likes, reblogs, and comments are appreciated <3

“Oh, no,” you hear one of the dancers behind you whisper to another, “Look who’s walking in.”

Your curiosity gets the best of you as you casually stretch, your eyes betraying you by glancing over your shoulder toward the door, dying to see who they’re talking about. You recognize him almost immediately and the whispers continue to grow about the slender male who is walking across the room to set his stuff down.

Park Jimin.

Of course, he would be auditioning for this show. It’s his final semester, and you really should have seen this coming. Especially since you knew he was bound to get whatever position he was auditioning for. That’s a given.

Park Jimin always gets whatever he wants in life; whether that be a specific role in a performance, who his performance partners are both on the stage…and in the bedroom, that sort of thing. He’s the most pretentious person you’ve ever met, seeing as he acts like he is God’s gift to the dance world, and you’re already dreading any interaction you’ll have with him.

Rumor has it that his daddy, former dancer and sponsor, paid his way into Juilliard, but as much as you hate to admit it, he (unfortunately) happens to be very talented and you doubt the school didn’t already have something lined up for him, regardless of who his family is. Unlike you, who was on the waitlist for two months and had to take out a loan worth more than your life to attend this school.

Your eyes meet his and Jimin does a once-over before moving onto the people to your left. What a prick.

“Y/N!” a voice yells from the entryway. Your familiar, freckled, redheaded best friend is quickly prancing towards you.

“I’m so happy to see you here,” Catalina squeals before hugging you tightly. “What part are you auditioning for? Please tell me it’s lead. God, I miss you. It sucks that we don’t have any classes together this semester. How are you?”

You hug your petite friend back, “I miss you too! Please tell me that you’re not also auditioning for lead, I don’t want to be judged against you. Your pirouettes are perfect compared to my lousy ones.”

Her laugh echoes through the room. “Apparently you didn’t hear about my recent tumble,” she jokes, bumping her shoulder into yours. “I’ll gladly be in the background after my solo-gone-wrong.”

“Alright, everyone!” One of the male judges calls out, walking past the lineup of dancers to collect everyone’s entry form. “We’ll start with the routine you were required to memorize as a group, and then it will be individual evaluations after. Make sure your numbers are secured and let’s line up outside the door.”

After taking your place and getting into position with the rest of the packed room, you wait for the cue to begin. The routine is short and simple, and years of practice have made some of the required moves second nature.

Before you know it, the judges are escorting people out the door for the individual sessions.

You're about twentieth in line, right behind Cat. That makes you a bit nervous because, even though she’s not auditioning for the lead role, her impressive skills might land her a more prominent part than the one she’s aiming for.

Everyone else is quietly chatting in line while you do your best to relax, working through your routine in your mind. This is one of your pre-audition rituals. It always helps with easing your nerves.

By the time you finish running through a couple of full-outs in your head, you’re second in line. You wish Cat good luck as she’s ushered into the dance studio. Her five minutes go by almost too quickly, but she exits with a happy smile.

“Hey, good luck! Kill it, okay?”

You nod, quickly following after the woman who calls your name next.

“Miss Y/N, it says here that you’re auditioning for the female lead. As a sophomore?” Mr. Jenson, one of your dance professors and judge, questions. You prepared for this. It’s very uncommon for an underclassman to try out for such a prestigious role.

“Yes, sir. That’s correct.” You hold your head high.

“Well, I have to say I’m quite impressed with your confidence. Whenever you’re ready.”

You wait for the familiar beginning notes of Tchaikovsky’s Waltz Of The Flowers to play before flying effortlessly through your well-practiced routine. You’re banking on the emotional state of your dancing along with the technical moves you’ve included to impress the judges, and based on their faces when you finish, you figure you did just that. You can’t help but grin widely as you watch the four of them scribble furiously onto the sheets of paper. That’s a really good sign.

“I have to say, I was a little thrown off in the beginning by your song choice since it’s so, hmm, how do I say this, so amateur. But I was very surprised by what you chose to express and the level at which you dance,” the first judge says.

“Yes, the lines you created with your body were very exquisite,” another praises.

You nodded, taking in their advice and criticism.

“Thank you, Miss Y/N, you may exit.” Mr. Jenson says with a smile.

As soon as you step out the door and exhale, you feel a sense of relief. The excitement of your successful audition courses through you, filling you with good energy.

You find Cat stretching in the warm-up room next door.

“Oh my god, you got it. Didn’t you?” She squeals the second she sees your face.

“I don’t know…” You have a pretty good idea based on their responses and comments but aren’t positive.

“Oh, please,” she rolls her eyes, “That’s your ’I just nailed my audition’ face. You totally got it.”

“I hope so. God, wouldn’t that be so insane? When was the last time an underclassman got the lead?”

Someone behind you scoffs; you look over your shoulder and see that it’s Jimin. Your eyes narrow at him, but Cat turns you back before you go off on him. “Not worth it, the rest of us seniors think it’s great that you’re trying for a top spot. How about we go get a drink from the vending machine while we wait?”

You nod before grabbing your warm-up bag and follow her out. “I can’t believe him. He’s so stuck up,” You grumble once you’re far enough away that no one but Cat can hear you.

“He’s always like that, just be thankful that you don’t share any classes with him.”

You’ve heard that Jimin is usually the center of attention in class, whether it’s his choice or not, so you can’t imagine being stuck in one with him. It sounds like it would be impossible to get good feedback if the teachers only care about him.

After you both buy the drinks that you want, you head back. The line is smaller but it will still be at least a half-hour until everyone has had their turn. You sigh impatiently and head back into the warm-up room.

Deciding to sit along the mirrored wall, you rummage through your bag to find a pair of headphones and put your favorite playlist on shuffle while you wait. Even though it feels like half the day goes by while you’re sitting there waiting, it’s really only been about an hour.

Everyone’s attention lands on Madam Jamie, one of the contemporary dance professors, when she asks everyone to re-enter the audition room.

“Okay,” she starts once everyone gets in line, “Those whose numbers I am about to call, please step forward. Dancers eleven, one fifty-three, one forty-seven, seventeen, thirty-eight, twenty-two, and one ten.”

Cat gives you a concerned look as she steps forward without you.

“Seventy-two, fifteen, sixty-eight, thirty, thirty-four, eighty-two, one twenty-one–” you step forward and sigh in relief once she spoke your number. Tuning out the rest of the numbers called, you smile at Cat as she reaches for your hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

“Everyone else, I’m sorry to inform you that you have not been selected. Thank you for your time,” She finishes, resting her clipboard against her chest.

Those who didn’t make the cut are escorted out as Mr. Jenson stands up to make an announcement.

“I have everyone’s part listed here,” He shakes the paper in his hand. “It’ll be left on this table for you all to look over. However, I want to first congratulate you all. We are excited to have this much talent for the semester’s exhibition show. We have some great things planned and cannot wait to get started with you all. Please take note of our rehearsal schedule. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Eight to noon. Most of you should not have conflicting schedules as all dance classes are held in the afternoon anyway, although if you do have a problem just stay after and we can work it out. Madam Jamie and I will see you back here Monday morning. Dismissed.”

You and Cat both wait until more people clear out of the room before you have the guts to read the paper.

Catalina Wilde - Corps de ballet

Your eyes wander across the page as you search for your name.

Y/N - Lead Female Soloist

Turning towards each other, you squeal “Oh my god,” at the same time.

“I can’t believe it. We both got what we wanted,” you excitedly rush out.

“I know, this never happens. Oh, I’m so excited!” She reaches for your hand and squeezes it again, picking up the paper with her other hand.

“Oh, no.” She turns the paper towards you, “Look who your partner is.”

Park Jimin - Lead Male Soloist

You huff, “Of course, I’m not surprised.” You turn your head and search the mostly-empty room for him. You have a feeling he’s still here, it’s like you can sense his presence.

“Cat! You coming?” the group of dancers near the door asks.

“Shoot, I’ve got to head to my next session. I’ll see you later, okay?” Cat says, giving you a quick hug as she runs out the door.

Leaving just you and Jimin.

Deciding to let go of your prejudice against Jimin, you figure the best move would be to congratulate him on getting the part he auditioned for.

He watches blankly from the mirrored wall as you walk towards him.

Once in front of him, you stick your hand out. “Hey congrats, I’m looking forward to–” you begin before he rudely cuts you off by holding up his hand.

“Yeah, whatever,” he sneers, “We need to take this extremely seriously so I expect you to be at our rehearsals an hour early so we can get in extra time,” he looks you over again, “From what I can tell you’re gonna need it.”

“Also,” apparently he isn’t finished, “I expect that you’ll be taking care of your diet from here on out since I’m going to be lifting you and I don’t want my arms to give out, or worse, snap.”

“Well, you can always go to the gym and work on that yourself,” you say defensively. What a jerk.

“So can you, sweetheart.”

“Uh, wow. Okay…” Here you are trying to congratulate him and here he is treating you like dirt. “Guess the rumors are true,” you mutter as you shift your duffel strap further up your shoulder, turning to leave.

“Excuse me?” Well, shit. He wasn’t supposed to hear that part. You look him in the eyes without showing any regret for your previous statement.

His eyes narrow at you, clearly not liking your RBF, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Sorry.” However, you aren’t.

“You know,” he remarks, “I don’t care about what you’ve heard about me or what you think about me. I care if you’re going to be too immature for this role and if that’s the case I’ll have no trouble replacing you.” He follows you out the audition room.

Oh boy, you’re pissed now. You turn around and get right in his face.

“What the fuck? In case you haven’t noticed, you aren’t in charge here. Just because you’re a senior and I’m a sophomore doesn’t make you any better than me,” you bark while shoving a finger in his chest.

“Secondly, I don’t need to believe the rumors because you’ve just proven them to be true. You’re an ass to all of your partners to the point that they don’t want to dance with you so you can,” you lift up your hands to finger quote this next part, “Pick who you think is good enough.”

You scoff, “Well, here’s a fun fact dickwad. I’m not going anywhere. The judges chose me and I fully intend on dancing as the female lead in the show. So get the fuck over yourself ‘cause you’re about to be seeing a lot of me in these next few months. Got it?“

"Fine,” he huffs, pushing past you.

“Fine!” you snap, turning away from him and heading towards your next class. Now that you're thoroughly annoyed and not in the mood for your next class, which happens to be a two-hour lecture on the history of interpretive dance, you sigh and get moving before you’re late.

The first two weeks of ‘rehearsals’ are spent training, just at a higher level than you’re used to. However, you hide it well. You’ve been making sure to keep up with the upperclassmen because you know that you are, unfortunately, replaceable if Madam Jamie or Mr. Jenson deems it necessary.

It doesn’t matter that your thighs feel like they are on fire, or that your calves might be ripping at every bend and arch you make. You’re going to complete the one hundred pliés just like everyone else without a single complaint.

Jimin must have taken your last conversation to heart, or he’s exceptionally good at masking his feelings if your words bothered him, because he’s been an excellent partner all week. Although, you know you aren’t going to grow a typical relationship with him as you did with all of the other partners you have had over the years. You’ve been friends, good friends, even, with your previous partners, something you know is never going to happen with Jimin.

He doesn’t do small talk. He really doesn’t have much to say at all other than pointing out when you are making a mistake. No good comments, nor praise–not that you’re expecting any–but it would have been nice to hear him say that he is impressed with how well you’re keeping up with him.

It’s Friday of the second week, which means that it’s the last day of the training period aka hell week, thankfully. You’re dying to get started on learning the actual program. You aren’t looking forward to Jimin’s request of showing up an hour earlier than everyone else this next week, but even though you hate to admit it, the extra time will end up benefiting you.

Today also happens to be the day the choreographer is coming in. You’ve heard the whispers throughout the school this week, everyone trying to guess who it’s going to be.

And after seeing who Madam Jamie walks into the studio with, you’re so happy to see that they were all wrong.

“O-oh my–ohmygod,” you bumble and did a double-take. It couldn’t be, could it?

The brown curls hung gorgeously on the tall man’s head and you internally drool at how much better looking he is in person. He’s so tan, so fit, so delicious–

“Can you concentrate?” Jimin grumbles in annoyance, pulling you out of your slightly inappropriate thoughts. You’re doing partner stretches, which does require some level of focus, but not enough that you have to look away from the literal Italian God who stood a mere six feet away. “What’s your deal anyway? We’re supposed to be preparing our muscles for the toughest training session yet and you’re over there stuttering like a fool.”

You scoff at him and lower your voice, “Don’t you know who that is?”

Jimin rolls his eyes. “Does it look like I care?” He mutters, pushing the backside of your thigh towards your torso.

“You can’t be serious,” you exasperate. “That’s Luca Black! You know, one of the most famous choreographers in the dance world right now. I can’t believe you don’t see how big of a deal this is.”

“The only thing I care about right now is making sure your hamstrings are loose so you don’t kick me in the face when we’re dancing.”

Now there’s an idea…

“Alright, everyone! Front and center please,” Mr. Jenson announces as he walks in the door, right on time as usual.

“Dancers, I would like you to meet Mr. Black, your choreographer. I expect you all to treat him with the same level of respect that you give me and Madam Jamie.”

“Oh please,” Mr. Black says, stepping forward, “You can all call me Luca.” His smile hits the heart of every girl in the class, and even a few of the guys. “I am looking forward to working with you all to make this performance one to remember. Can we get into a lineup to start?”

Everyone moves into the typical sequence based on each person’s position of where they belong. Which meant that you and Jimin were dead center with Luca’s eyes right on you.

You swallow slowly when he walks towards the two of you. “You must be Y/N. Mr. Jenson has told me quite a lot about you. I have to say, I am most excited to work with a dancer like you.”

Jimin is perplexed that Luca went straight to you. If anything, he’s the better dancer here and he doesn’t quite understand why a sophomore is getting so much attention. He’s nearly sick to his stomach listening to the nauseating conversation that you two are having.

“It’s an honor to have you working with us Mr. Black,” you say in awe as you shake his hand.

“Luca,” he corrects before lifting your hand to kiss it, “And the pleasure is most definitely all mine.”

“Sorry,” you pant, rushing through the door. “I know I’m a couple of minutes late. I couldn’t find parking. Why is it so freaking busy? It’s barely seven.”

“Don’t let it happen again,” Jimin says ignoring your question. You bite your tongue and get straight into your morning stretches.

“What do you want to work on today?” you ask, knowing what he is going to say after you’re warmed up. For the past three weeks, you and Jimin have been dedicating extra time to perfecting scene two's Pas De Deux.

It’s the only section of this scene where you’re both completely alone on stage and Jimin is dead-set on making it nothing less than perfect. He reasons that just because you are the only two people on stage doesn’t mean that the audience’s attention is a given, you need to earn it.

Which is a very on-brand thing for Jimin to say.

“Do you really need to ask?” He snickers with a playful smile plastered to his face.

“Nevermind then,” you banter back, joining him as he finishes stretching.

You’ve surprisingly gotten pretty comfortable with Jimin after spending more time with him. Dancing with him is mostly fun, besides when he calls you out on your mistakes…repeatedly. But even then, you know he tries to mean well. You both have to be the best or the other will end up looking like a fool–which (you assume) neither of you want to happen.

Knowing that you’re almost halfway through the semester is a little terrifying. All the dancers have been making great progress and everything is coming together seamlessly, but you can’t help but feel the nervousness set in.

You take a deep breath and clear your thoughts, getting nervous right now will do you no good. Thankfully, when you start dancing your mind settles and you’re able to concentrate on your performance. 

Well, that is, until Jimin drops you during the lift. You might have understood the mistake if he hadn’t done it three times prior.

“Get up.” He holds his hand out for you, pulling you to your feet. “We need to get this number down, you know how important it is.”

“I’m aware of that,” you hiss. “But it would be nice if you weren’t letting me fall every two seconds.” You rub your aching side and stretch to see if that helps ease the pain.

“Just dance it off, you’ll be fine.” Jimin walks over to his stuff along the wall, before bending down to grab his water bottle.

You scowl. “Stop being ridiculous and hold me properly. I don’t have teeth anywhere down there,” you say motioning to the space between your legs. “You can put your hand where it belongs without worry, you know.”

Jimin blushes as soon as he hears your words, he turns away quickly before you notice. Yes, it’s technically his fault that you keep falling. It isn’t intentional, but he can’t help it. Especially when he can feel the warmth of your center from where his hand is resting when he goes in for the lift.

The thought of other parts of him being this close to your heat is driving him crazy and yeah, he may have faltered, which yeah, may have caused you to crash down once…twice. Okay, maybe three times. Or four?

It doesn’t matter. He’s so hyper-focused on why he’s thinking about you like this at all. You’re attractive, he already knew that. But this new-found thought of wanting to take you hard and fast, right here in the studio is something else. It comes from deep within, and he can’t decide if he wants to squash the idea completely or let it lead to something wild.

Jimin shakes his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts just long enough for you to both get through these next ten minutes before the rest of the crew arrives for rehearsal. “Alright, let’s go again.”

You get into position, Jimin falling behind you. You try to hold still but his breath tickles your neck while you wait for the music cue.

The motions are practically natural to you at this point, and you take a deep breath, preparing yourself in case you fall again.

You rapidly suck in air when you feel Jimin’s fingers press deep into your inner thigh this time as he lifts you. They are incredibly close, much closer than they were last time.

You won’t ever admit to it, but your mind is overflowing with dirty thoughts of Jimin’s fingers somewhere else. Particularly somewhere that would have you writhing within seconds.

Those thoughts are distracting, and you’re late for your cue to jump down. And somehow instead of jumping, your body twists around in a weird way as your head dives down toward the ground below you. Tensing, you brace for the impact that doesn’t come.

Unexpectedly, Jimin manages to catch you before any damage happens, and he quickly pulls you up, as if you were never upside down to begin with. His arms are wrapped right below your butt, causing your head to be directly above his. How on earth it got there, you have no idea.

But you aren’t questioning it. Adrenaline runs wild through your body, and you cling to him as if your life depends on it. Your arms are wrapped tightly around his neck, scared that you still might fall somehow.

Your faces are only a few inches apart in this position, which allows you to see how soft and smooth Jimin’s lips look. You slowly lick yours as he lowers you down to the ground, keeping the same amount of distance, or lack thereof, between you two. The realization that it would be so easy to kiss him right now has set in and you swear Jimin has the same mad thoughts; especially when he’s gripping your hips this tightly.

What you both don’t realize is that outside of the main doors, the rest of the dancers are watching with wide eyes and shocked faces. If it weren't for the unmistakable red hair you see in the mirror's reflection, who knows what might have happened? You don’t think about it, instead, you pull away and play it off before heading toward your bag to grab a drink.

“Morning everyone! What are we all waiting for?” Luca says from behind the dancers, “Let’s go in and get warmed up.”

He opens the door and sees you and Jimin at opposite ends of the room, each taking big gulps from your water bottles. Interesting…

Cat walks in and sets her stuff down next to Jimin’s and silently watches him. His face is flushed but she can’t tell if it was because of the intense moment you two just shared, or from the strain of the lifting sequence. She was the first to notice the look you two shared before the crowd outside the door, and she has a weird feeling about it.

Last she knew you were still fighting with Jimin during your pre-practices, although she’s very aware of the saying ’there’s a fine line between love and hate’. Cat makes a mental note to ask you about this morning’s situation later.

The first half of practice is weird, to say the least. Jimin is treating you like nothing happened. And while technically nothing happened, something almost did and you don’t know how you felt about the something.

Needless to say, you aren’t on top of your dance game today. It’s hard to concentrate with your head filled with empty-answered questions and even more confusion.

“Okay, everyone,” Luca echoes, stealing every dancer’s attention, “Let’s take five. When we reconvene we’ll do a recap of Scenes One through Three with no breaks. If we can get it down we’ll move onto the beginning of Scene Four today.”

You and Jimin happily turn in opposite directions, grateful for some space.

“Y/N, can you stay back? There’s something I want to go over with you,” Luca calls out, stopping you from heading in the direction of Cat and some of the other girls.

Oh no. That’s never a good sign.

“Don’t worry, you’re not doing anything wrong,” he says after seeing your smile falter. “I just see a little room for improvement with the last sequence before the song changes in scene three.”

He gestures for you to get into position in front of him, which you do without hesitation.

Luca moves closer to you and rests a hand on your lower back, “Tighten here and stretch.” He shows you how to position your body to make it look more elegant and elongated. “See how much longer you look now?” His eyes meet yours in the mirror. “Hold yourself like this through the rest of the dance. Trust me when I say you’ll notice a difference. So will everyone else.”

A blush creeps up your neck when his hand slides across your hip before he steps away from you, “Thank you for the tip.”

His eyes burn into yours, and you feel the heat growing in your lower stomach. “Anytime, Y/N.” His lips turned into a small smile, which you returned.

Jimin stalks silently as Luca touches you, his anger bubbling deep down inside him. Fuck, he doesn’t exactly want you, but he definitely doesn’t want anyone else to have you either. And he sure as hell doesn’t want Luca touching you like that or giving you those looks; looks that have disguised intentions with ulterior motives behind them.

He wants to tell Luca where to go and how to get there, but he knows better. Not only would it be unprofessional as hell, but Jimin would probably be screwed out of a lot of future events if he tells one of the best choreographers to fuck off.

He forces himself to look away and takes another deep breath, calming down a little before part two of rehearsals starts.

The second half of rehearsals ends sooner than expected, and Jimin storms off before you even have the chance to talk to him about this morning. You sigh, your eyes trailing his fast exit.

“Y/N! I’m heading to the vending machine for a granola bar, want to come with me?” Cat asks. You’re sure that her question has a hidden agenda too, but you go along with it anyway since you’re starving and need to eat something small before your next class.

“Sure, just give me a second to switch out of my pointe shoes.” You don’t like to wear yours for walking since they’re new and still stiff.

“So,” Catalina begins, watching you put the money into the machine. “What was that this morning? And don’t you dare try to say it was just dancing, because I’ve seen 'just dancing’ with Jimin and that was not at all what I saw earlier.”

You groan internally, not wanting to deal with her interrogation. Cat isn’t the type to judge you if you told her that you would’ve fucked Jimin right then if it wasn’t for the fact that you noticed her (and the rest of the dancers). But you don’t want to admit it to yourself.

Saying it and thinking it are two very different things, and you aren’t sure you can come to terms with saying that you want to fuck Jimin. Hell, you have no idea if you will feel the same way in an hour. So you choose to keep it to yourself for now.

“Did something happen between you two?” she asks bluntly.

“No, nothing happened between us.”

“And is that a good or bad thing?” she questions next.

“Good,” you huff, “I think…”

It’s been another busy few weeks, and things have been going great…until today. To be honest, this is probably the worst dance day you’ve had in years.

“I’m sorry guys, let’s start from the top,” you apologize again for messing up. The scene you’re going over today isn’t complicated by any means, it’s only a transition scene. But your head is elsewhere which, in turn, makes you mess up every couple of seconds.

You're not getting many approving looks from the room. Luca is a little worried, Madam Jamie has pursed lips, and the dancers are severely annoyed with you.

“No, Miss Y/N.  Stop before you hurt yourself.” Mr. Jenson lets out a frustrated sigh. “Kyra, would you stand in for Y/N and show her how it’s properly done?”

You’re embarrassed that it’s gotten to this point. What is with you? You’ve done this sequence perfectly with Jimin this past week, hundreds of times at least. Now with the extra dancers on the floor, you seem to be forgetting it all.

Taking soft, shallow breaths is the only thing keeping you from crying in front of everyone. But they wouldn’t notice. All eyes are glued to Kyra, a senior who had also auditioned for the same role as you, as she dances with Jimin.

They dance beautifully, you can’t deny it, even if you want to. You can’t help but wonder if she would’ve been the better choice for the female lead.

“Thank you, Kyra. Everyone back into position now.”

Kyra walks past you and smirks. You know she’s thinking the same thing that you are. She probably also thinks that she’s capable of sweeping in and stealing your position. Like hell if you’re going to let that happen.

Even so, it’s not your decision to make and you know if you keep screwing this up it’s more than likely to happen.

“Hey, are you okay? What’s your deal?” Jimin whispers once he lines up with you again. The last thing you need is for him to make you feel worse for fucking up.

“I don’t know, it’s not a good day for me,” you whisper back as your eyes fill with tears. You’re completely exhausted, defeated, and disappointed.

“Just dance it off, we all get days like this. Follow my lead, okay? I promise I won’t let you mess up again.”

You nod, blinking back your tears. This is a different side of Jimin than you’re used to. He’s caring and knows exactly what to say to make you feel better.

After shaking off the earlier mishaps, you get yourself together and push through practice, making sure that the first official run-through of the program is a total success. It makes you feel a hell of a lot better than two hours earlier. You can tell that the rest of the group is just as ecstatic as you and Jimin are.

“That was great, Y/N!” he says, pulling you into a comforting hug. “See, all you needed was a little reassurance.”

You’re slightly sad when he pulls back, the warmth of his body is no longer felt. “Thank you for today. I would’ve completely fallen apart without you.”

“Hey don’t worry about it, make sure you get some rest this weekend. See you Monday!” He smiles softly and waves bye. Who knew Jimin had more to him than what everyone else saw?

“Hey, Y/N!”

You turn your head and see Madison, one of the upperclassmen who’s also in the show, walking toward you.

“What are you doing tonight? Some of the girls and I are planning on going out to celebrate our first successful run-through of the show. We’re wondering if you’d like to come?” She leans in a little closer, “We have a fake you can use to get into our favorite club, Wander. We’d love for you to let loose with us.”

Usually, you would turn down any interaction that involves alcohol, especially since you’re underage, but you don’t want to disappoint your potential new friends. Plus it does sound like a lot of fun, and after the practice you just had, you deserve to let loose and relax.

“Yeah, totally! I’d love to come.” Madison smiles and you both trade numbers.

“Okay cool, I’ll text you my address later. We’re gonna get ready at mine before we head out. See you later!” She gives you a quick hug before heading out the door.

You’re secretly excited to hang out with the older girls since you don’t have many other friends in your year. Especially not now with all your free time taken up by rehearsals.

Jimin stands outside the dance studio’s side door, slyly eavesdropping. He makes a mental note to accidentally run into you later. He isn’t sure what’s gotten into him, but he doesn’t want to go without seeing you for two days.

You intrigue him, and after your almost-kiss, Jimin wants to know what your lips feel like for real this time, not just what he has been imagining.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asks over the pounding music. You have no idea what to ask for; you obviously don’t drink and ordering something from the bar is a little out of your comfort zone since you don’t know what you’re doing.

Madison catches on and takes over. “Five shots of tequila for our group!” she yells while leaning over the bartop so he can hear her.

Oh boy, you don’t know much but you know enough to feel safe assuming tonight will be wild if you’re starting with shots, of all things.

With about a month left until the show, deciding to let loose with the girls is exactly the kind of break you need. Dancing, drinks, and good friends. Looking around, you’re happy to see that you have all three. It’s all a part of tonight’s plan.

What you don’t plan for, however, is seeing Jimin in the middle of the dance floor with Kyra all over him. After practice today, this is a total slap in the face.

You aren’t sure if the progress you’ve been making with Jimin is just one-sided, or if you had been imagining it this whole time. It feels like you’re both taking two steps forward in the right direction and then something like this will happen, sending you ten steps back.

Your eyes are glued to Kyra’s body as she dances with him, her hips moving at the perfect speed. You can’t help but be jealous of her. Not only is she gorgeous and a great dancer, but she also has a way of demanding everyone’s attention in any room she graces. Although, there’s only one person’s attention you want right now, and from what it looks like, you doubt you’ll be getting his anytime soon.

“Oh my god, is that Luca?” Catalina asks with a surprised tone, pointing towards the opposite end of the bar, “No way, it can’t be.”

“It is,” you laugh nervously before looking away. You’re a little worried that he might remember that you’re under the legal drinking age, only by a year, but still. How embarrassing would it be for him to get you kicked out…

“That’ll be $42,” the bartender drones, pushing the over-spilling shot glasses toward your group and happily taking whichever girls’ fifty-dollar bill in return.

You lift your glass along with the others, “Here’s to letting go and having fun!”

The tequila burns the back of your throat but that doesn’t stop you from hollering, “Let’s go dance!”

You pull Madison and Catalina onto the dance floor, coming to an abrupt stop when your back collides with someone., “Oh my gosh, I am so sor–” You pause and stare at the dark-haired man, “Oh. Hi.”

“Hi ladies, I hope you’re not getting into too much trouble tonight,” Luca jokes with a wide smile displayed across his face. He looks gorgeous dressed in all black, the leather jacket tops off his outfit.

“Oh of course not, Mr. Black,” Catalina giggles playfully, “We’re all good girls here.”

He raises his eyebrow which makes each of you giggle, “I’m not so sure about that. Can I buy you all a drink? Or is that a little weird?”

You look around at the girls; they do the same.

“Uh, sure? Madison finally says, breaking up the awkward silence.

Cat and one of her friends entertain Luca’s conversation while they wait at the bar. You slyly peek over your shoulder while dancing, looking for you-know-who. You can’t find him, but you’re happy to see that Kyra has moved on to her next man of the night.

"Hey,” Luca says, walking towards you with an extra drink in hand. “Here you go. Shhh, it’s our little secret,” he says humorously.

You thank him for the drink, nervously swirling the ice with the slim black straw in your cup.

“I’m happy I ran into you,” he begins, “Can I talk to you for a second, alone?”

“Oh, uh, sure!” You nod to Cat, silently saying that you’ll catch up with her later. He smiles and pulls you aside from your friends.

“What’s up?” You ask tensely while Luca grins, running a hand through his hair.

“I just want to tell you how impressed I’ve been with your progress so far, I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of you at rehearsals.”

Oh my god.

“Really?” You gape.

“Absolutely,” he reaches for your hand, bringing you closer to him before bending down to plant his lips on yours. You freeze as he kisses you gently, entirely unsure of what to do in that situation.

He quickly pulls back after reading your body language, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Luca,” you say curtly, taking a step back, “I appreciate your tips in class and kind comments, but I think we should keep things professional here. You’re the choreographer and I’m a student...”

“Of course, I apologize again. How about I walk you back to your friends and we forget this happened?”

“That would be perfect.” You’re thankful that things don’t seem too awkward, and you only hope things will stay that way when you see each other Monday morning.

Jimin’s fingernails dig into the flesh of his palms as he clenches his fists. Fucking Luca Black. He was heading your way to say hi, but Luca led you in a different direction than the one your friends are heading to. He should have known better, but he follows behind slowly. And what he sees when he finally turns the corner doesn’t sit right with him.

Luca’s hand on your cheek as the two of you kiss. Jimin isn’t exactly sure who initiated it. And even though it’s eating him alive, he doesn’t want to know because it pains him either way.

He watches as Luca pulls away, and takes note of your stunned face. Jimin wants to believe that was because you didn’t enjoy it. He can’t hear what you’re talking about, and he truly wants to believe that Luca is making you uncomfortable based on your reaction to the kiss. But that hopeful thought is squashed as soon as you smile and take Luca’s hand, allowing him to lead you to the dance floor.

Jimin is still trying to process what he just witnessed even though you’re both long gone. He steps out of the shadows and throws his drink at the wall, ignoring the sound of the glass breaking behind him. Grumbling under his breath, Jimin takes the closest exit and slams the club door behind him.

He heads home with the hopes that a cold shower will ease his rage, but the cool water running down his back isn’t doing much for his boiling blood, nor is it getting rid of the image of Luca’s lips on yours. And inevitably, he can’t get you out of his head either which in turn results in him masturbating to those thoughts of you … which is anything but calming.

Jimin closes his eyes and imagines that it’s him kissing you, not Luca, and that he’s the one who has you pushed up against the wall. He can practically hear your soft whimpers, the ones you make when you’re doing partner stretches that always have him close to losing it right there in front of everyone at rehearsals.

But it isn’t him who’s stretching with you. His length quivers in his hand as he speeds up, trying to change his thoughts to you aroused in the club bathroom, his hand sliding underneath your dress and slipping into your panties. Jimin throws his head back at the image of you getting all worked up, but once again, it isn’t him that’s driving you wild. It’s Luca.

After the fifth attempt and still failing to picture himself with you, Jimin gives up. He groans, looking down at his length’s angry red tip that’s aching for release. And there’s only one thing that will give him that. You.

But not an imaginary you. The real you. The real you wanting him just as much as he wants you. He doubts that you ever will, not when you can have Luca instead.

Meaning that Jimin is basically screwed.

Monday is a killer. Jimin has been hateful to you all morning, and you genuinely have no idea why. He seems to be fuming now at the end of rehearsals, compared to the quiet angry vibe he was giving off earlier this morning.

“Hey, great job today Y/n. You’re doing phenomenal. I can’t wait to see this all come to life next week. See you tomorrow!”

“Thanks! Yes, see you tomorrow Luca.” You wave bye while he rushes out of the room, leaving just you and Jimin behind.

Jimin waits until Luca is out of earshot before saying anything. He’s been annoyed all day by your and Luca’s behavior after witnessing the two of you making out in the hallway of Wander.

He’s disgusted, even more so by the afterthoughts of Luca bringing you back to his place and taking advantage of you. Needless to say, he didn’t sleep much this weekend.

“God, you’re such a suck-up,” he criticizes, failing to hold back his evil words. “How special do you think you’re going to feel when the paid help you’re boning doesn’t remember your name the second he moves on to the next school and finds a new student to seduce?”

“Excuse me?”

“You can pretend all you want but I saw you Friday night. With him.”

Oh god…

You shake your head, “Jimin, I can explain–”

“Whatever, waitlist. I don’t want to hear your excuses.” He turns around and internally grimaces, upsetting you isn’t what he was going for. He’s pissed and unfortunately, you’re the only person he can take it out on. It’s a dick move to say things like that, especially since you deserve to be here just as much as everyone else.

Jimin knows he should just let it go, but he can’t help it. It’s been eating him alive all day. He’s pissed that you’re acting like a damn fool because of Luca’s attention. Luca’s eyes hadn’t left your body the entire day.

Fucking perv.

Jimin is more pissed that it’s bothering him so much. He shouldn’t care, he doesn’t–or at least, that’s what he keeps telling himself.

Jimin’s words stung, and you’re shaking out of pure anger. “What the fuck is your problem? I can handle the normal stick-up-your-ass behavior but it’s on a whole new level today. Chill out, okay? It isn’t what you think. Nothing happened after he kissed me. Not that it’s any of your goddamn business, but it actually made me, like, super uncomfortable and he apologized directly after. We both agreed it wasn’t professional, so piss off Jimin. And even if I did decide to take it further with Luca, it wouldn’t concern you. So stay out of it.” You’re near him when you finish, with crossed arms and eyes glaring.

It’s unbelievable Jimin would make such a comment; the last thing you need is for him to start telling people what he saw.

You know you would be harshly reprimanded for using a fake ID to get into a club, but also for accepting a drink from someone who is a teacher, and especially for kissing that same teacher.

Jimin is just as heated as you are. So his intuition was right that night. His anger only grows, wanting to punch Luca over and over again for making you uncomfortable like that. How could Luca not tell that you weren’t actually into him, but rather idolized him for his contributions to the dance world? How dare he use that against you to pull a move like that?

“Fine,” he growls in your face, totally furious at the situation, and furious with himself for caring this much about it–about you. You’re driving him crazy, even now when you’re pissed with him. It turns him on how strong and defensive you always are, and fuck, he wants to do something about it.

“Fine,” you snap back, taking another step forward as your eyes subconsciously lower to his parted mouth.

In a matter of milliseconds, your lips collide and your hands are all over each other’s bodies. He lifts you into his arms and slams your back into the mirrors. It’s a miracle that they don’t shatter from his force.

You gasp at the contact and Jimin takes the opportunity to shove his tongue further into your mouth. Your legs lock around his waist while you continue to explore each other’s mouths and bodies ravenously.

Jimin pulls away and tugs your leotard down your arms, freeing your breasts from the tight compression.

“You’re so fucking annoying, do you know that?” He snarls before leaving a line of rough kisses along your neck and down your chest. You whimper at the sensation and run your fingers through his hair.

“You’re so fucking loud, do you always have to say so much?” You moan in response.

Jimin is starved for your taste and can’t wait any longer. His hands travel down your side while his lips close over one of your soft peaks, sucking it in between his teeth.

You mewl, crashing your head back against the glass from the sheer amount of pleasure.

Jimin abruptly pulls away and brings his face back in front of yours. “What? Do you have something to say?” he asks with fire in his eyes. But with his lips replaced by his fingers, twisting and tugging, you’re helplessly tongue-tied.

He moves one hand lower and another soft moan escapes your lips, his middle finger dancing dangerously above your panties before dipping into your slickened folds.

Jimin knows exactly where and how to touch you, causing your head to spin. He feels himself hardening watching your face contort in pleasure, and nearly coming in his pants when you slowly lick your bottom lip, pulling it in between your teeth and letting out a long moan in the process.

“Mmm, Jimin,” you cry, feeling yourself getting closer and closer to the edge. Jimin notices this and instantly pulls away. You don’t get to come that easily. Even though it makes him super fucking excited to see what his touch does to you. God, this is so much better than what he imagined.

You whimper at the loss of his touch, “What the fuck?”

“Turn around,” he demands, his eyes flooding with lust and a dash of something dark. He undresses you rather quickly, leaving your tights and leotard wrapped around your legs.

You decide you aren’t going to let him have all the fun, sneaking a hand back behind you. Jimin grits his teeth in pleasure as your hand slips into his pants. His length twitches in anticipation of feeling you wrapped around him. You pull his member out and lead him between your damp folds, moaning deliciously at the contact.

The scent of your arousal has now filled the room and Jimin can’t hold back any longer. He wants to fulfill his fantasy of taking you hard and fast, right here in front of the mirror. Without a warning he slams himself into you, causing you to lose your breath.

Your back is against him as he relentlessly pounds you from behind. The force of his thrusts are hard and you use your hands as leverage against the mirror to avoid being crushed by him, even though it would certainly be worth it.

Jimin brings a hand up around your neck and holds your head straight so he can watch when you come. You’re close and he knows just what to do.

“Say my name,” he demands, using his other hand to pinch your clit. “Look at me and say the name of the man who’s making you come like you never have before.”

“Jimin, oh my-” The waves of pleasure wash over your entire body, every inch of your skin tingles. You pulsate around him, but he’s not done with you yet.

“That’s damn right.” Jimin twists you around again, lifting you against the reflective glass. He keeps his fast pace, with a fistful of your hair held between his tightening fingers.

“You’re such a fucking slut. Look at you losing it over my cock,” he snarls with a clenched jaw, “I’m gonna fuck you like this until the rest of the class comes in.”

Jimin rams into you with twice the amount of force as before. “I’d make that fucking Italian bastard watch as I take you hard and make you feel this good.” He brings his lips up to your ear and whispers, “He could never,” before harshly biting your ear, sending you completely over the edge for a second time. 

Jimin watches you unfold, your beauty completely mesmerizes him. Your entire body is on fire from oversensitivity while Jimin’s fingers rub your throbbing nub. You watch, completely hypnotized, as he brings his soaked fingers up to his mouth and sucks them clean.

“Oh, don’t think we’re anywhere near done yet,” he smirks devilishly, moving his thumb back to your clit and rubbing in crude circles. Your eyes squeeze shut at the sensation, and you can’t catch your breath. It’s too much.

Jimin hisses when your fingernails dig into his shoulders. “Fuck, Y/N. You’re so tight right now.” It isn’t long after those words leave his lips that he’s shuddering inside of you, his release shooting into the depths of your heat.

Your insides coil as you reach the peak of your third and final orgasm. Jimin holds your legs steady as you come hard over his cock, and swallows your moans with his mouth.

He slowly retreats out of you and presses his flushed cheek against yours. You can feel his heartbeat thumping out of control while you both catch your breath.

After a moment, he draws back and lowers you to the ground. You both chuckle at the state of your appearance. “I think I have a towel in my bag, one sec.” He says while tucking himself back into his pants as you readjust your hair, trying to make the whole ’i just had sex’ look a little less obvious.

You’re still breathing heavily when he returns to wipe you clean.

“Mmm,” you hum in total satisfaction, and still a little out of it - if you had to be honest. “I should piss you off more often.”

He gives you a look, “Hurry up and get dressed before anyone sees you.”

You’re the one to smirk this time, “I thought you wanted people to see me?”

“Haha, very funny.”

“Hurry up, you’re taking too long,” you whine while Jimin attempts to undo his stage pants as fast as he can.

“I’m trying,” he mutters, silently praying when his zipper finally works, “There we go.”

He lines himself up to you and pushes into your center.

You bite your lip to avoid making any noises as he stretches you out. The two of you are in the small storage closet behind the stage; there’s only about an hour or two until the opening night show starts.

Jimin thought you had to be joking at first when you whispered how badly you needed him after you both were dressed and ready to warm up with the rest of the dancers. But much to his delight, you weren’t kidding.

Hopefully, they won’t notice your absence. Who are you kidding, they probably know that you two are fucking. Plus, it’s kind of obvious when both lead roles go 'missing’ at the same time.

At first, he was torn between following you into the tight space–wanting to be in another tight space–and doing what he normally would call the right thing, which was preparing for tonight. But after seeing the look on your face, Jimin was quick to follow you into the closet.

“Shhh, you need to stay quiet,” Jimin grunts quietly with a hand over your mouth, silencing your moans.

You grip his shoulders as he quickens his pace, bringing you both over the edge.

“Holy fuck,” he quietly whines, the sensation of your inner walls clenching his length is addicting. It isn’t long after your sweet release that he’s quivering. He pulls out, knowing you can’t dance with his release filling you. He shudders one last time, his come shoots out and onto the wooden floor below.

You giggle, “Good thing we’re in a place that can clean that up.” you say referencing his load.

He rolls his eyes at your joke and leans in to give you a quick kiss, “You think you’re so funny, don’t you?”

“Yes, typically.”

You flatten out your costume and zip each other up, leaving the closet one at a time. You first of course, since you needed to touch up your makeup now. Leaving Jimin behind to clean up his mess.

About fifteen minutes later you meet Jimin backstage to practice, stretch, and chat along with everyone else. The jitters are bouncing off of everyone and you can’t stand still from excitement, a little nervousness too. But mostly excitement.

“Jimin, are you feeling okay? You look a little stiff and tired if I must say…” Madam Jamie mentions after watching him practice a few scenes.

“Nothing to worry about Madam, had a tiring warm-up is all. Not to worry though, I am more than ready for tonight.”

Madam Jamie reminds him how important rest and lots of water are when practicing hard before moving along to the next student.

“Hmmm, what is it that you usually tell me?” You begin, giving him a coy look, “Oh right. 'Just dance it off.’ That should fix your issue, correct?” You look down at his crotch, and back up at him with a twinkle in your eyes.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he says, daring you to go on.

“After our vigorous warmup, I’m sure you do. But we’re going on stage soon. So suck it up, sweetie.”

He can’t wait to make you regret that statement when he teases you later tonight. He had big plans to celebrate. And knowing you, you would love them.

©shadowkoo 2024. All rights reserved.

[shaarlslec]

The “I can see that you are lonely, and I don’t know how to fix that.” Prompt with Charles pls

don't tell me to write charles only if you want long-ass drabbles, i cannot help myself; thank you so much for your request, let me know if you liked it; prompt list and masterlist here;

safety nets

short summary: in which you break-up with your boyfriend and charles tries to help in the aftermath;

words: 5658 & warnings: angst, depression, alcohol, arguing with charles;

The last couple of months have not treated you great – not even a bit, not even at all.

You broke up with your boyfriend of three years at the beginning of the year and tried to cope with living alone ever since in the apartment you two once shared for most of your relationship as you took the risky decision of moving in together three months into your relationship claiming that you were nothing but madly in love with the dude.

Wrong, you were so wrong. “In love” was not exactly what you were back then, infatuated with the hopes of what is about to come in an unrealistic scenario that you played in the back of your head, yes.

And yet, who does not have a screwed-up story about a relationship up the age of twenty-five?

Moving too fast together and thinking that you were the one to change the man’s toxic behaviors was yours. Now, you had to cope with your learnings that people do not change just because you put in the efforts to help them to do so, and that being madly infatuated with the idea of love was not as great as it has first seemed to you. 

Moving back with your parents was not one of the options afterwards, as you were trying for the last five years to show them that you can be your independent little self without having to depend on their wealth and connections.

After the break-up you have tried to switch the narrative and to focus on your work instead of malicious habits, but working non-stop in the sales world in such a place as Monaco took a tool on you fast, and without you even noticing that all you were doing were meeting after meetings after meetings with pretentious customers that wanted the best real-estate assets with little money just to keep their names well-known and well-renowned, your mental state became heavily affected by the higher ambitions you had and all the pressure on your shoulders.  

In between trying to make a name for yourself in the industry, keeping your mental and physical state in check as tight as you managed, being as out-going as you were once when your boyfriend played music in the clubs you two enjoyed spending countless nights at, you slowly yet surely lost your spark as the bubbly-loving-warm daughter, friend and lover that everyone around you knew and admired for her free-spirited personality.

Your laughs were all faked, your giggles barely heard within your group of friends, and your enthusiasm for life taken away by the fact that you found yourself in a place you were not yet so familiar with – utter and complete loneliness. 

“I am fine, guys.” You nervously lied once one of your friends popped the question that you had heard all year being addressed to you, brushing the soft air of autumn with one of your hands that held a cigarette in between your fingers as you were taking a break outside the club during one of your “drinking until I pass out” weekends. 

Those happened a lot lately as your newfound mechanism of coping after months of pretending to be fine in front of everyone, considering that alcohol at least made you funny to be around people – trying to get back at least one thing about you that you loved.  

“You are sure, Y/N?” They continued, showing you the same worried eyes that you got from everybody lately and that you despised from without your soul, “Take it easy with the drinks, we barely arrived here.” They emphasized, pointing to the half-empty gin and tonic that you held in your other already shaky hand. 

Oh, fuck off and let me be, you would have wanted to shout straight into their worried little blurred faces. 

You were fine, completely fine. That was what you kept telling yourself not to go insane every single time when you watched the mirror and saw a completely far different person that the one you were during the same period last year when two shots would have been enough for you to get you tipsy and ready for bed in the arms of a man you thought was loving you back as much as you loved him.

Instead of letting your outrage shine bright, you just laughed it off with a silly huff as you threw the cigarette’s butt in the ashtray with a loud hit, “Come on, let’s go back in.” You added, already on your way to the door and down to the bar to get you another gin and tonic. 

Your friends stood perplexed for a short while behind you, watching you getting through the crowd of people drunkenly so on your already stumbled feet, “Charles is back for good in three weeks, he will know what to do with that. That is if they met.” One of them told to the group in a soft tone, grabbing one of your shoulders not to accidentally spill your drink on one random stranger that was questionably looking at you, “Let’s get her home for now, I will let Charles know that the situation has not improved since the last time he asked about Y/N, Charles will not be happy about it.” They uttered to each other in mumbles for the words not to reach your ears, pulling you closer to the group amid your loud rejections of not wanting to go home so early in the night. 

Your friends meant well – they really did, letting aside the critiques of your new-found drinking improved game. Besides your parents that you visited once or twice every other month since your break-up, they were your safety net in the absence of Charles.

No one was able to save you from your own personal hell that you have created, and no one was willing to go through the pits of that hell as much as Charles has done in the beginning of all that was happening with you, even though the man was not obliged to do so.

And yet, being your closest friend that knew you the best amongst the bunch – Charles took that duty upon himself and was not going to give up that easily no matter how much you resisted him. Your own personal safety net, always there to catch you.

That was what Charles has been to you since a long time ago, and what you liked to think you were for Charles too. Not just friends like you were all friends within the same group, but something much more than that. You knew him since you were children, your parents living nearby and always organizing brunches together and some other pretentious neighborhood events such as shiny parties, charities and all that jazz that all adults around you liked to attend to keep their network busy and growing while you were playing hide-and-seek with the Leclerc brothers. 

At some point during high school years after your last serious hide-and-seek game, the parties had stopped and yet you and Charles were already tightly bonded for your meetings outside your houses to stop. You watched yourselves grow together being that much of a constant presence into the other’s life. Even when Charles got severe about the whole racing thing, and he was gone most of the times away from home, weekly calls were still on the table, and attending his races became a tradition as well as him attending most of your important life events such as graduation from college, getting your first pay-check, and getting your heart broken for the very first time – although Charles would have preferred to not be a witness to all the pain it caused you, troubling your mind in such a way that you even fought with Charles due to that. 

Right after Charles found out that your boyfriend moved for good from your apartment, the man tried anything within his efforts to keep your mind busy with anything else but not the break-up. Charles was rarely home still as the season begun, but every single time he came back even for two or three days, Charles went out of his ways to plan something for you two to do with or without your other friends.

Movies, plays, camping, road-trips, finishing, laser-tag, dinners, breakfasts – Charles done everything for you to light up a little and to not feel empty and alone all the time. For most of the times, Charles succeeded at first. At least, that was what your best friend thought.

You were faking your smiles in front of Charles to as you did with many of the people back then, trying to enjoy the time you knew your friend planned just for the sake of his own good rather than yours – upsetting Charles was the last thing you wanted to do, yet another person about whom you cared and loved deeply pushed by your behavior was the last thing you intended. You went to whatever Charles booked you tickets for and attended all the mentioned above goings, trying not to upset Charles by not appreciating the man’s efforts, wanting to keep him close. 

That was until the boiling point.

You needed time to get over what was happening and to clear your head on your own pace, and although being around Charles managed to ease the pain – you wanted nothing else right after the break-up rather than to be alone in a caged mind full of what you could have done differently, while Charles’ intentions were to break you completely out of that. 

“You know what you are to Y/N, Charles?” One of your friends was brave and drunk enough once to ask him as they noticed the Monegasque glaring at you across the campfire during one of the times in which Charles booked an entire cabin somewhere far away from the city to get you spending time with your closest friends instead of locking yourself in your apartment as you often did when Charles was away racing, hopping that you will show up at one of his races this season – always having a pass ready for you.  

Without taking his eyes out of you, Charles huffed a short “What exactly?”

“The boyfriend without the rewards.” They spoke, clicking yet another glass of liquor with Charles who now turned to look at his friend with an ironic side-eye, “Don’t look at me like that, man.” They loudly panted back before placing their lips on the edges of the glass and then pulled Charles close to him by one of his shoulders so they can make sure that you and your other friends next to them gathered around the fire were not hearing what it was spoken, “Everyone here knows that it is true – even you two.” They added with a short sigh and an arched eyebrow that questioned Charles on what he was going to do about that.  

“Oh, shut up, asshole.” Charles commented while visibly rolling his eyes even in the dim light of the windy spring summer you were having aside of the cabin, “She just broke up with that dick of a boyfriend of hers, and you are out here talking about boyfriend rewards to me.” He then added, glare now on the one mocking him at his side rather than at you who were attentive enough at the orange sparks that light up the air rather than at the conversation across from them, “I know her since we were like ten – I cannot just stand by and watch her close herself. I am her friend, friends help each other.” Charles added with a loud sigh, knowing that has happened before in the past and knowing how hard it for you was to open again after feeling blue for larger periods of time, “I do not want any rewards.” Charles then stated, drinking part of the liquor in his glass as well before standing up to find a better seat rather than one in which he was questioned regarding his feelings for you. 

Charles’ defensive mode that was just activated by your common friends’ statement was not random. He has been in love with you for years, long before you met your ex-boyfriend, and long before Charles had even realized that is how love was supposed to feel like. That aching yet calming throb of his chest when you glanced at him, and that twist in his stomach when you smiled into his direction. Charles felt them all, and yet there was never the right or enough time to confess them to you.

Racing has always been a priority for Charles to which he fully dedicated first and putting all his other feelings rather than the thirst for winning second, thinking that you will always be there next to him and that maybe, just maybe, you will be the one to make the first step when the right moment will come. Charles thought that you and he had enough time, and when you first told him about that little crush of yours three years ago, that was when he figured out that the assumptions was wrong – you were not willing enough to wait for him until he decides what to prioritize best. 

Fast-forward three years and a couple of weeks later you were standing next to Charles still, but with a broken heart and with the idea that no one, not even him, will have access to your soul ever again. Charles went behind you, placing one of his hands on your right shoulder to tightly squeeze you, announcing that it was him behind to guard you from the wind and no one else – as you were not allowing any man to touch you since your break-up.

You looked up to him as your fingers pressed against Charles’ on your shoulder, “What?” You had asked, watching Charles’ eyes reflect the orange sparks of the fire as he was looking down at you with somewhat of a poignant smile and yet with warmness within the irises of the man’s eyes, “Has anything happened?” 

Charles declined with a nod and then scooped in the chair next to you that was now emptied by one of your friends leaving, everyone knew that the one who could talk you out of your mood was Charles, “Just wanted to check on you.” He then smiled, taking both of your hands to warm in between his own.

Your heart sunk seeing how Charles blew hot air on them to make sure that you were all comfortable, and then it ached again when your friend refused to let them go back into your lap as Charles guarded them with his. You would have wished for him to do that sooner, three years and a couple of weeks sooner to be exact.

As complicated as Charles’ feelings were for you, so were yours.

You were in love with Charles too, or to be more specific you had been in love with him too in the past when you were able to feel something, anything at all. And yet, Charles was never home – not like you would have craved him to be. 

You were not to blame him for that, you were very much very aware of how important racing was for him and you had done nothing but support him through all of it. Still, you would have secretly wished for him to carry a type of lifestyle that selfishly permitted you too to be more than just friends. You were way too needy in the beginning of your twenties and trying to make a move with someone who was barely home was none of your options.

You were in this constant need of attention, need that was fully satisfied by dicks who were from there and who were more than willing to spend every single minute of their day with you having no other things to do rather than drive you completely and utterly crazy over meaningless stupidest things. 

Now that you had lived that kind of a burning love where all you did was fight and make-up, you were mentally kicking yourself in the joint for refusing a calm and soft love that you knew Charles has been always capable of giving you. You wanted that now, and yet you were not ready to open yourself again – not even in front of Charles.  

“I am fine Charles,” You muttered as you glared away from him, millions of thoughts of what could have been pricing your mind, “I am not a child, you don’t have to check on me every five other minutes.” You added with a short roll of eyes, also letting the sarcasm within your bitter tone to go through Charles’ ears. 

“Y/N, I know that you are not a child, and I am not trying to baby sit you I just –” Charles then spotted, your chair loudly being pushed back by you lifting from your seat as you snatched your hands from below Charles’ – that was the tenth time somebody asked you if you were fine that day alone. 

You needed a break, a break that Charles was not willing to give it to you, “I want to sleep Charles.” You breathed, “Can I please go to sleep?” You inquired looking at Charles getting up too, “You don’t have to walk me, I am telling you for the second time – I am fine.” You sharply demanded with a nervous chuckle, and yet it was already too late to play pretend in front of Charles who had figured all your fake laughs and giggles.  

Charles’ already walking up in front of you giving you a glance over his shoulder, challenging you to move and follow him to the cabin meaning that you two had to have a talk alone in between closed doors, leaving your other friends behind to watch the fire still burning up to the sky. 

You huffed as the door to your room closed behind Charles, “Look, Charles – I love you,” You paused, both of your hands resting on the man’s chest as you were looking up at him, “I appreciate all the things you are doing for me, and all the things that you had done for me – I just need space and time for my own stuff now, that’s all.” You softly added, departing inches away from him only for your back to be blocked by one of Charles’ palms that sustained your body close to him. 

“I love you too, Y/N.” He then spoke, “And that’s exactly why I cannot let you out of my sight for now.” Charles muttered with a heavy chest, “I know what you do to yourself once I am gone, they told me everything – the bars, the guys, the alcohol, the loads of work.” He added, voice shaking while his eyes were fixed on you, “You will break at some point, I know you will – you have done it before, and I cannot watch you do it again.” Charles continued, feeling your back tensing beneath the man’s touch, “I can see that you are lonely, and I don’t know how to fix that.” Charles then almost sobbed, eyes softened in a nostalgic type of a sadness that you have seen him looking at you with before. 

You took a deep breath in, glancing away from the man who had eyes only for you. You took two steps back, forcing him to release you from the embrace. Taking your head in both of your hands, you ruffled your hair in nervousness as you spoke, “Why do you always think that you have to fix everything?” You answered back, “Am I that bad that I need to get fixed?” You inquired as you took as many steps as they were needed from Charles not to resist the urge of jumping straight into the man’s arms no matter how much you would have wanted for that mere touch to fix everything for you, “I am not some sort of a patient that you need to find remedies for Charles, and I have never asked you to do so in the first place.” You busted out with your voice cracking, “You don’t see how fucked up that is?” You inquired, tears slowly streaming down to your cheeks now. 

Charles took two steps ahead, and you took two steps behind you, “I am here to help Y/N, I am not trying to get you fixed or to be a prescription to you. I cannot—” 

“That’s the thing Charles.” You interrupted in between the sobs, “You are barely here.” You mumbled glancing once into the man’s direction, “You are away for most of the time, and I cannot just ask you to take care of me two days once in a blue moon when you are back home – that is not healthy for either of us.” You commented after a loud sigh, your cheeks burning and being washed by your fingers helplessly trying to wipe away the tears, “I need you to stop.” You ended, your fingers touching the edges of the widow’s sill for better stability unless you were about to break down completely. 

Heart shattered – right there. Charles’ heart in million pieces. You were slipping in between his fingers again. There were many things that Charles could kept his promise for when it came to you, being there for you all the time was one of the things that he was not able to pledge to you and that caused him another type of hurt. You not being alright was something, you two not being alright was something else – something that cut deep, and something that he did not know how to mend for the better in that very moment, no matter how fast he was searching for the answers in the back of his mind. 

“Don’t you talk to me about what’s healthy and what’s not.” Charles fought back, resting now his right shoulder on one of the room’s walls, “When you are the one who is using all the unhealthy ways of coping after breaking up with a fucking sore loser and rejecting all of the help from anyone who truly do love you back.” Charles uttered and there was a type of spite in the man’s tone and use of voice that you had never encountered before coming from him, “I will let you sleep.” Charles then spoke, watching you shockingly staring at him back, “We will talk about this tomorrow.” He then nodded, putting an even greater distance in between your bodies by completely leaving the room and silently shut the door behind him, leaning on the other side for a minute holding his breath at the top of his lungs before a long release of a sigh, maybe you were right and what you needed was space and time, Charles thought then. 

Tomorrow’s talk never came as Charles got a call the first thing in the morning being announced that he had to switch for an earlier flight to Italy where he had to get ready for the Imola GP and you returned in the city with your other friends after yet another day when you spoke nothing but replayed the words of yesterday’s little clench. Pushing Charles away from you was the last thing that you wanted to do, but that was the right call in the moment – he had to focus on his races, while you had to focus on getting out of the vicious circle that you caught yourself into. After all, it was not Charles’ duty to get you out of trouble – you needed to fix that yourself. 

You thought about apologizing days after you returned to the apartment after you watched Imola’s race, and yet Charles was not picking the phone after what had happened there for him and the team. As much as Charles knew you the best, you knew him too. Watching him spinning and losing points will cause him to not want to talk about right away with you or anyone else, and that gave you part of the same treatment you gave to Charles in the last couple of weeks. 

You thought that will pass, and that Charles will undoubtedly so phone you when he calms down, and when everything goes back to the normal flow of things. And yet, from then on nothing was considered a normal flow of things for Charles. You texted from time to time, but neither of you were ready for a phone call or to meet in flash and bones, you both needed space and time to deal with your own personal things on your own instead of searching for your safety nets. 

Time passed in this matter, and as much as you would have loved to not grow cold with Charles as much as you did with everyone else around you – it happened. Life got busy for the both of you, and days have passed without texts, calls or seeing each other. It was for the very first time in years when you two took a break from your friendship, and maybe that was exactly what was needed. 

You found excuses not to see him when he was back in town, and you even booked a whole entire holiday away from Monaco during his summer break to clean your head from all the working that you have done since the last time you saw him. You were deliberately avoiding Charles, knowing that you two meeting in those fragile states of yours will only do both of you worse than good. And yet, you knew that you cannot avoid Charles for the rest of your lifetime, and neither of you wanted that to happen. 

After the season ended, Charles was home for good for a couple of months that were enough to get his mind off a hell of a season that was, and that was when he found out that you were still out there having not-so-much a lovely time being alone just as you wished back after your break-up. Charles was not the type to give up, especially on you. You were given the space and time you needed from him, and now he was back to take what was his. That is when Charles ambushed you during one of the weekends when you decided to paint the town red with your friends, tagging along too without letting you or anyone know that he will be there. 

Your eyes widened in surprise as you spotted him on the dance floor having the time of his life with a couple of girls, all of them wanting to impress him in all ways known: dancing, flirting, touching. 

“Look who’s back.” One friend spoke, elbowing you as they were already ahead of you to greet Charles and join the group of girls. 

“And in what a fashion.” The other friend laughed, giving you a glance over your shoulder as they joined too, Charles’ arms spread widely to welcome them in a hug. 

“Oh fuck.” You muttered underneath your short breath, Charles’ eyes catching yours in an instant as the man’s attention was switched from the girls to his friends, and then to you – completely and utterly looking astonishing in your little black dress. 

Charles came to you moments after as you stood there perplexed watching him approaching you. Your heart raced, and there was no point in trying to escape the man’s glare on you as he was passing through the crowed with two beers into his hands already to hand you one as a greet. 

“You look great.” Charles spoke, opening one of the beers for you as he took a quick look at you from head to toes. 

“Thanks.” You muttered, taking the beer from his hand to make it your first drink of the night, “You look drunk.” You commented, watching the man’s already ruffled hair and white unbuttoned shirt that you guessed it was not his doing but one of the girls he was dancing with earlier.

Charles’ eyes rolled in annoyance, “Oh come on now Y/N, don’t critique me on this matter – I have heard that you had loads of fun without me here.” He added, bottle on his lips now as he was head bumping on the played song’s rhythm that blasted your ears, “Have fun with me too, come on.” Charles spoke, grabbing you by one of your wrists so you could join the middle of the group too. 

You shortly sighed, and yet you knew that Charles was right. You were in no right or position to tell him to stop drinking, you were the one who has been indulging in this type of behavior for the last couple of weekends. One single beer was enough for you that night to stop as your eyes were curiously searching for Charles each time that your friend left the group to go and fetch another drink for himself. 

Charles was not the type to drink, and you knew this based on all the previous encounters you two had at a party or in a club, or even during casual dinners. Your friend was not the type to hold his alcohol, and Charles stumbling on his feet with one arm around a random girl’s neck while looking at you with lazy sleepy eyes and the start of a hiccup confirmed you once again what you had already known. 

“It was such a fuckery – this season.” Charles drunkenly shouted when you were back to your booth surrounded by only your friends now and no random girls, “I want to forget all about that. So, cheers to that.” He then nodded before taking yet another shot down his throat, being accompanied by all your friends but you, “What’s going on Y/N, not in the mood for drinking tonight?” Charles teased with both eyebrows up and a sly grin, “Everybody in here told me that you are a big fan of it now.” 

You leaned back into your chair with your arms crossed at your chest as you were eyeing him, “Someone has to be sober enough to take you home, Charles.” You replied, giving a sharp look afterwards to all your friends present at the table for spilling the beans to Charles about your recent behavior. 

Charles laughed at your words, “So thoughtful of you, Y/N.” He then replied, chin rested on one of his palms now as he was looking at you with a slight tilt head, “Taking care of me, when you were the one to tell me to stop when I was trying to do the same.” He bittersweetly continued, cueing all your friends that it was time for them to leave you two alone at the booth – everyone knew that you had things to talk about, and none of you wanted to be in the middle of your fight. 

“Charles I—” You began, but your words being cut short right away by one of his fingers waving “no” in the air in front of you after you two were left alone, everyone else suddenly wanting to dance again. 

“Don’t “Charles” me with those eyes of yours, Y/N.” Your friend spoke next to you now as he switched seats so you could hear him better, “I have been nothing but a good friend to you, and all you did was pushing me away when you needed me the most.” Charles helplessly breathed, “And then again, when I needed you the most.” He then added, head resting on your shoulder as Charles’ eyes closed in the comfort of your body being again so close with his, “I have missed you.” 

You closed your eyes too, one of your hands catching his into yours to squeeze it tightly as a sign of even more comfort, “I have missed you too, Charles.” You added after a short breath which Charles’ felt on his forehead, sending shivers down the man’s spine in an instant, “Let’s get you home, and we will talk all about it somewhere where we can actually hear the words.” You chuckled, cupping the man’s face into your hands for him to be attentive at you inches away from your face, “Let’s get it fixed together.” You added, getting the man’s hair out of his eyes with a short brush of fingers, “Whatever we both have to fix.” You laughed, thinking about the many things that has been going sideways in both of your lives lately and the methods in which you could help each other to mend them. 

Charles nodded, but not before placing a short peak on the top of your lips as you two were too close for him not to resist the urge to do so as the man struggled to contest the need of your lips on him too many times in the past. You were taken aback by his sudden move, and yet so deeply happy that he was the one to make the first step.

"I don't want to be the boyfriend without the rewards anymore, Y/N." Charles muttered as you were confused by the words not making any sense to you, "I want all the rewards, love." Charles then mumbled, forehead glued on yours now, waiting for your lips to be back on his to confirm that indeed he will get all the rewards.

You chuckled, nuzzling your nose with him and putting yet another short peak on the man's lips, "You will get them all."

You took him out of the booth with one shoulder across your neck stabilizing the man’s unbalance due to the alcohol, guiding him in a cab and going home together that night with an understatement that everything was going to be alright for the both of you if you were together in this, accepting and returning the soft kisses, warm embraces, forehead kisses and strong clasps of hands.

[meruz]

hello! i'm a big fan of your work! i noticed youre a risd alumnus, and i just wanted to ask: as someone currently working in the animation industry, how was your experience with risd? i'm having to choose between risd and a school that's popular specifically for animation, and was wondering if you might have any info that could help.

thank you, i hope this ask isn't any bother!

ooh I actually love this question because theres SO MUCH I wish I knew about the RISD animation program ahead of time and I'd love to give people a better idea than the one I had going in LOL. disclaimer that because I went a while ago (a whole class of college students have come and gone since I've graduated!) some of this info may be outdated. also this is purely my personal experience. BUT hopefully it helps

I want to say upfront that I loved my experience at RISD. I attended from the years 2013-2017. Like all private art colleges it was way too expensive (worth noting I had a significant need-based scholarship) but I worked my ass off and I learned a lot about art and I made friends there that I wouldn't trade for the world. As far as an art school experience goes I would tentatively say it was "worth it". However, I went in as a freshman hoping to major in animation and I came out with a BFA in illustration and this is a large part of why: RISD doesn’t have a good animation program for those looking to go into commercial animation. And I don’t think this is a grand statement like I think most of my fellow alum and teachers would agree. The thing is it’s kind of intentional LOL?? And the keyword here of course is “commercial”. Culturally, RISD is kind of a fine arts school first and I wouldn’t say they’re hostile towards industry work but it’s more often treated as secondary or like something unfortunate/dirty you have to do to make money so you can focus more on your “true art”. I have a tweet about this that went semi-viral a while ago actually…

I’m not gonna say everyone at RISD thinks this but it’s pretty prevalent. I'm honestly not outside the opinion lol. You can call it integrity or pretentiousness or whatever but without going into whether this is good or bad it really orients the curriculum and priorities of the school. It’s hearsay so take it with a grain of salt but I’ve heard that on occasions where RISD has been offered opportunities or partnerships to make the school into a pipeline for big studios (like making work specifically to cater to those places and funnel students through the door right after school) they’ve always stuck to their guns and said no to preserve their independence. 

The animation program at RISD is actually called FAV (sometimes stylized as F/A/V) for Film Animation Video and is… as one would guess..a mishmash of animation, film, and experimental video. Multimedia, experimental work is highly encouraged and overall the work and structure is a lot more geared towards submitting independent short films to film and animation festivals than it is towards building a portfolio to secure industry or client work. I didn’t major in FAV but I was on the FAV thesis track for about 3 years and I’d say the amount of help I had making an animation industry portfolio from my experience with FAV classes is close to none. At least for the thesis program we were never required or even asked to do anything such as design character turnarounds, bg designs or paint, even storyboards. And to be fair a lot of that pre-prod work that fills industry portfolios is a necessity of large commercial crews that need to coordinate over disparate departments and studios, not so much for independent single-animator projects. 

But as a result, a lot of RISD students with ambitions to go into animation/video games/ entertainment industry art in general actually major in illustration. Myself included. It’s not a perfect 1:1 match and even within the department there’s conflict as to whether there should be more of a focus on traditional editorial illustration or otherwise but it’s one of the broadest majors at RISD because past sophomore year it’s 100% electives and there’s more classes oriented towards technical drawing and painting skill, concept, story, and communication for client work in a very all of which funnel rather neatly into commercial animation. It’s also a good route for exploring your options like if you’re stuck between wanting to do children’s books, TCG paintings, and comic books you can explore all those at more or less the same time. The downside to this is that in order to get what you want you really have to build your own curriculum. I definitely think it rewards the proactive.

So while nothing at RISD got me to build an animation portfolio I took a lot of classes that I think were fundamental to developing those skills. Ie I did actually take a storyboarding elective, painting classes that focused on color, illustration concepts classes that formed critical thinking and seeing, a sculpting class that trained anatomy and 3d construction skills, Barbara Meier teaches a 3D animation class at Brown that RISD students can cross-enroll at that’s pretty good? None of these are substitutes for a holistic animation curriculum but I think the education I did get was a lot broader and just as personally fulfilling. At the end of the day, I'm glad I wasn't so focused on animation that I was still able to explore illustration, comics, painting and sculpture. I led a student club that coordinated Brown and RISD students to work together and make video games every semester! I take the skills I picked up from these things into my animation career all the time.

Also the nice thing about animation jobs in the U.S. is that you don’t actually need to have animated a whole kickass industry-standard short film to be hireable. The pipeline is so compartmentalized and jobs so specialized that bg designers really just need to be good at environmental perspective and linework, and bg painters don’t even need to worry about that they can just be good at color and light. And almost no one at least in the U.S. animation industry actually needs to know how to animate LOL. Am I being reductive? Am I downing a heavy dose of copium for going to the school that I did? Who knows. Midway through my freshman year I was seriously considering transferring to a school with a better animation curriculum but I never completed those applications because I took a class during the winter semester called Science-Fiction Fantasy Illustration and midway between designing shitty aliens and my new best friends falling asleep on me during a 2001 Space Odyssey screening I was like. This isn’t so bad. Anyways, it turned out ok, we all have jobs now. 

All that aside, Providence is a beautiful little city. There’s an arts and alternative culture there that feels completely different from those in places like NYC and LA. Chris Van Allsburg the writer/illustrator of Jumanji and The Polar Express was a RISD illustration alum and he based a lot of the imagery of Santa's Village off of Providence. This drawing I did is literally a view from Benefit st that I would walk from my off-campus housing to campus everyday:

There’s a lot of stuff that goes into whether a school, or any school, is the right fit for you. Sorry for rambling but I tried to answer this quick because ik college decisions can be time sensitive. Good luck with your decision making!

[bluedalahorse]

Okay, I’ll bite. Posts like this one on the confessions blog kind of make me wonder/worry about how I come across on tumblr. I’m one of those people who’s 200% down for the secondary characters in YR, particularly the controversial ones. I’m also someone who’d been lurking for a while prior to season 2 airing, but joined tumblr a little bit after season 2 to finally start discussing with people.

Given the way the post I linked above resonates with some of the themes I made a post about few days ago, it seems like the anon and I might both be struggling with some of the patterns of conversation in fandom. That said, we’re coming from very different places. And given the way I engage with this fandom, I sometimes wonder if I’m the antagonist in someone’s fandom story.

I do recognize that some of my posts come from a place where I could come across as pretentious, lecturing, or overbearing in some way. When I first de-lurked this fandom, I talked about a lot of the show in terms of craft and literary theory and such, in part because I’m in grad school for just that and in part because I hang out with a friends group IRL who uses that existing vocabulary to discuss things we love. I was also using the academic voice with a dose of sarcasm thrown in as a sort of armor, because I knew my favorite characters in the show (Sara and August) were so widely beloathed by so many people. I was worried that if my first post was “wow they sure are cute even if they’re messy; where do I find the fanfic?” I wouldn’t make friends, or possibly would even get chased off of tumblr. I figured it was much safer to come in and say things like “I find it really interesting to see how their relationship is a narrative foil to Wilmon’s, and them being together really raises the stakes of the drama” and keep my Big Feelings to myself. (Especially since some posters can be pretty nasty about my faves, and make assumptions about what I’m an “apologist” for when I talk about them.) I still lean into academic speak to some extent—like I said, it’s part of who I am even outside of YR, so it’s hard to shake. But rest assured there is fannish passion behind it, and also know I don’t think academic speak should be a requirement for participating in fandom.

I’m also wondering… what role should making the case for the characters and plotlines one loves play in establishing one’s fandom presence? Like, in general? Ultimately my motive when I make my posts, analysis or otherwise, is to invite people to play in my weird little sandbox with me. (If they want to, of course!) I recognize that some of my fandom opinions/hills I will die on are what they are, so I imagine some folks don’t want to change their opinions any more than I do. But I also recognize that in more than two decades of being in fandom, there are times when someone else’s passion for a character or a take on some aspect of a show or book really led me to see something new and interesting, or hook on to particular rarepairs or whatever else. That’s the beauty of fandom as a community—we all get more excited about things together and share our love of things. Since some of my favorite aspects of YR are much much more rarely represented in fanworks, I’m usually talking about how I adore them in hopes that I’ll continue to find the people who like the things I like, and in hopes that maybe I’ll spark something in someone’s brain and they’ll write a cool fic or draw cool art or something. Talking to people here has made me more interested in pairings like Walty and Stedrika, which I didn’t think about as much before on my first watchthroughs of the show. So anyway… I do know there’s some folks out there who are never gonna be interested in what I’m interested in. I also know there are folks, myself included, who’ve learned things from what other people are passionate about. I also know there are some opinions that seem a lot more unpopular than they are until someone voices them.

I recognize that the two factors above—a tendency toward academic speak, and another tendency to make the case for the less popular things I love about the show in hopes that people will join me, combined with maybe me not having the best day or not choosing my words well—all that together and I could I see how I could come across as pretentious or holier-than-thou or looking down on people. (And admittedly there are times where my posts come from a place of frustration about the way certain characters are talked about. I think we’ve all been there at one time or another.) It really isn’t my intention to come across in a negative way, but I can see how it would happen. It’s also possible I’m doing something that completely doesn’t register with me at all, but it’s super hurtful to others. I may not know the full extent to how I’ve bothered someone, because ultimately I am just in my own head.

If I’ve hurt you or made you feel crappy in your time being a fan on tumblr, I am truly sorry. I’m open to talking about it if you want to talk about it, but also, zero pressure if you just kind of want to hang out in your own space and do your own thing.

To sum up… it seems like on one hand there’s a portion of fandom that seems to want to embrace the YR world in its entirety, and another portion of fandom that would like to lean into a focus on Wilmon. And there’s probably people all across a spectrum there, because nothing is a strict binary. All are valid approaches! I don’t think we all need to be best friends, but I do think we need to figure out how to coexist and assume positive intent in each other’s approaches to the work. Does anyone have ideas about that? Are there hashtags we could be using a little more carefully? I don’t have answers yet, but it is something I’m thinking about.

[so-long-soldier-writes]

Commitments

elijah mikaelson x fem!reader x kai parker | requested

summary: an argument breaks out when kai learns about elijah’s plan to propose to you. he had been making these plans himself, he just hadn’t expected the other man to do it without letting him know first. luckily, you intervene mid-fight and are able to settle it between them, proposing an agreement that suits you all

tags: poly relationship, arguments, talks of marriage, happy ending, fluff

word count: 1.3k

a/n: i hate the title, but not being able to title it was the only thing stopping me from publishing the request, which i didn’t want to do, so it’s kind of a bad title and i’m sorry about that. but, i hope you like it!

The minute you leave to go to your lunch date with Rebekah, Kai confronts the other man in your life about a small box he found in his nightstand. 

“What do you plan on doing with it?” He tries to square up the original after hearing it is, in fact, a ring. 

“I know you spent a lot of your life locked away, but I think you know why one would usually buy a ring.”

“Don’t play dumb with me. Are you going to propose to her?”

“If you must know, yes, I was planning on it.”

“You can’t do that,” he starts, only to be interrupted.

“And why not?”

“Because I was going to.”

“You must be joking. You don’t have the devotion for marriage, Malachai.”

“Maybe I do. How would you know?”

“Because I know you. We have been in this relationship for two years. We know each other just as much as we know her.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Elijah. I am devoted. Devoted to her.”

“I know you are. But what about marriage? It’s something else entirely.”

“Are you suggesting I’m not capable of it?”

“I’m merely suggesting that you are not able to handle something so binding. Marriage is a commitment.”

“I’ve been committed to your dumbass all these years.”

“You have, for her.”

“So what’s the problem then?”

Elijah sighs, “let’s not make this an argument.”

“Me? You’re the one starting shit!”

“Malachai, I-”

“And don’t fucking call me that, you know I hate it. Why do you think you get to propose to the girl we’re both dating? She can’t ride off into the sunset with you and leave me behind, and how do you know she even wants to marry you?”

“So now you’re telling her what she can and cannot do. That’s never a good sign of a healthy relationship, Mal-”

“Shut up! Stop calling me that! And I’m not telling her what to do, I’m only saying that there’s three of us in this relationship, and you can’t just break it up like that.”

“Of course we would work out the details later, but it is imperative that I-”

“No! We work out the details before we ask the life-changing decisions! And funnily enough, I was actually going to ask you about similar details when I found your little box - which, by the way, you should hide better - because I have been wanting to go out and buy my own little box for her, because I do love her, and I am willing to make that commitment!”

“It’s not a little box, Mal… Kai, it’s a ring.”

“I know that.”

“And did you just say you wanted to propose too?”

“Yes, I did. But unlike you, I care about her feelings towards you, so I wanted to ask you before I made any rash decisions.”

“I care about how she feels for you, Kai, I just planned to ask those questions pertaining to you after I asked the question.”

“Why after? Why not before? Why so secretive?”

“Kai, I’m not in the mood for doing this with you-”

“Actually, it makes so much sense. You’ve been really standoff-ish lately, and I’m guessing this is why. But why the attitude, huh? Guilt, maybe? Pity?”

“You’re taking this too far. I have not been meaning to come off a certain way. You are projecting your own fears onto me.”

“I cannot deal with your thousand year old pretentious vampire talk right now, Elijah, I-”

“Well I cannot deal with your sensitive, baby vampire feelings. So may I suggest we both end this before we drive ourselves crazy?!”

“I am not sensitive! You don’t know what I’ve been through.”

“I do, actually, quite know. And I know that you hate to admit it, but you are being sensitive, because you love Y/N so much and the thought of not having her kills you.”

“So then why are you taking her from me?! Why did you go and buy that-” 

“What’s going on?!” You shout into the room, effectively shutting up the two men. You could hear their muffled yelling from outside, tension settling in your bones at the noise. 

They both stop and stare at you. 

“Y/N,” Elijah coughs, “I thought you were meeting with my sister.”

“Something came up so we rescheduled. Why are you two arguing?”

It’s dead silent. 

“You better tell me right now. I thought we got over the two of you fighting.”

Kai wants nothing more than to spit out the truth, but the original would crucify him. Thankfully, Elijah sighs, “we are having a minor disagreement.”

“About what?”

“About you,” Kai says quietly.

“Yeah, I got that. Would someone like to expand?”

“I wanted to propose to you, Y/N,” Elijah finally admits. “But I hadn’t told Kai about this plan yet, so when he found the ring, he became upset.”

Your stomach flips, “propose? Elijah…”

“I love you, Y/N. You are the woman I want to spend my eternity with. But as it turns out, Malachai feels the same, he just hadn’t taken the same steps yet.”

“The steps?”

“I didn’t buy a ring because I wanted to make sure it was okay with him if I asked. But Elijah over here decided he’d just ask me after asking you,” Kai supplies. 

“You both?”

They nod. 

“Oh my god.” You sit down in the nearest chair to think. “God… I love you both, so much.”

“Would you?” Elijah starts, then continues when you look up at him, “marry one of us?”

“‘Lijah… I love you. I do want to live forever with you. But Kai, I love you, too. I can’t choose between you guys.”

“What are you saying, Y/N?”

“I’m saying I can’t marry either of you. I can’t break your hearts; I can’t commit to one; I can’t make that decision. I won’t.”

“But… you still want to be with us, right?” Kai stutters out, afraid your rejecting words are a break up. 

You turn to him immediately, “of course, Kai. That’s what’s stopping me from marrying either of you. I need you both in my life. If marriage is going to divide us, I don’t want it.”

“But Y/N, it’s the opposite. It’s what brings people together.”

“‘Lijah… marriage is a binding process sanctioned by the government. We can live and love without a piece of paper telling us to do that. We can be happy just being us.”

Kai visibly softens at your words. His shoulders relax and jaw untenses. “I am just happy to be with you, Y/N. Elijah, please say you agree.”

The more traditional man takes longer to give into the idea. 

“I love our relationship just the way it is,” you tell him. “And, since you already bought the ring, I will still wear it, if you want. Kai, you too. I can wear them both. As a symbol of our love, without going through all the yucky legal stuff to have it.”

Elijah sighs before smiling and agreeing. “An anti-proposal proposal. I’m for it.”

A huge smile takes over your face and you rush to hug them both. They return the favor with the same enthusiasm. 

“Now, if we may, I was going to give Bex my whole afternoon, but now I have nothing to do! Might my favorite boys join me on the bed with a movie?”

Kai springs up at the word ‘movie,’ and immediately fetches popcorn and snacks. You give Elijah one more kiss, thank him for agreeing to your wishes, and then send him off to find a movie. 

For the rest of the day, you lie cuddled in between your boys, sharing candy and kisses, until exhaustion settles in your bones. 

“Sleep, Y/N,” Elijah mutters, “we’ve got you.”

“We love you,” Kai mumbles, half asleep himself. 

You kiss both their hands, then start to drift off into a deep sleep. “I love you both, too.”

[compacflt]

my apologies if this is too simple or juvenile or personal a question but HOW did you become such a proficient writer? and do you have any tips or pointers to keep in mind? i know you must do a lot of reading and a lot of writing, but your skill is just incredible to me. your prose!! your cadence!! when we get around to talking about it is genuinely one of the best things i've ever read and i'd eat it if i could!!!

this ask was so sweet thank you!! rly made my day when i needed a boost. Hope you don’t mind i took a couple days to think about it cause no one’s ever asked me for writing advice before

idk how i became a “proficient” writer bc I really don’t write that much. something about my fic gave me brainworms and i went into overdrive but that’s…not my usual MO. which is why it’s weird for me too. admittedly i am studying english/creative writing as my second major at uni, but i haven’t learned anything in any of my classes you couldn’t learn by just reading and writing on your own. honestly i should’ve stuck with my IR major instead, i find structured cw classes a complete waste of time. but here are some little tips i thought of that would’ve helped ME:

This is more a “do as I say not as I do” because I’m really bad at habits like this, but keep a diary. You can write about the big events (went to the store, did homework, got laid etc.) but that’s boring—focus on the details (watched someone at west side market throw a glass bottle of olives at a rat, broke a pen and permanently stained my dorm desk and won’t get my deposit back which pissed me off because I move out in a week, this guy’s breath smelled like lemon pledge and it made me wonder if he drank window cleaner before kissing me etc.). Real life is really interesting! How can you write about interesting real life in an interesting way? It’s a good way to practice. You don’t have to do a big reflection at the end of the day or anything. It’s okay to jot down something you saw & then immediately forget about it. It’s the act of figuring out how to translate life into words that’s important

If you type, learn how to type FAST. This is just my experience, but I think typing faster makes your cadence, clause length, dialogue, IDEAS flow better/more naturally. We think in words/sentences, not letters.

This is a super lame tip that’ll make you roll your eyes, but read poetry. Poetry is all about how words/ideas/images sound and interact with each other. Don’t get hung up on one poet—im not really recommending any for precisely this reason—read poetry you love (for me, Ada Limón, Jack Kerouac, Frank O’Hara, ghazals etc) AND read poetry you hate (for me, Rupi Kaur, Emily Dickinson, Whitman, etc)! Read all genres you can get your hands on. (I think there are like “great poetry anthologies” you can find for free online if u don’t know where to start. Also you can’t go wrong with subscribing to/reading a variety magazine like the NYer. It’s pretentious but it exposes you to all kinds of weird topics, ways of writing about them, etc.) Figure out how certain combinations of words and punctuations make you FEEL, and why, and why the writer chose (or not) to make you feel that way. Figure out which literary sounds you like and which ones you don’t. For me, i figured out that I REALLY like alliteration, comma splices, zeugmas, the rule of three, and

“he’s [verb]ing again… yeah compacflt’s characters are [verb]ing again… big shocker”

If you have an idea for a piece, figure out what it is you really want to get out of it—to say something? to experiment with a different style? to see your fav characters do something? to have fun?—and then figure out how, on a technical level, you should write to match that goal (this is where the poetry training comes in handy). If you’re just writing to have fun, don’t listen to any writing advice (incl. mine), because most of it is bullshit and over-generalized and will make you feel bad about yourself. Just take the advice that you think will work for what YOURE trying to write.

But if you’re writing to explore some political idea, then you should think about HOW to best write about that idea. What would be a convincing story/allegory/scene to engage with this idea vs. not convincing. I talk on this blog all the time about how disappointed I am that my very-adult-grown-up attempt to deal with the dynamic of “immovable internalized homophobia vs unstoppable falling in love anyway” is rendered a little childish/immature by some pretty unconvincing plot points like the characters buying a house together—I really should have considered how that plot point would interact with the characterizations I’d built already (hint: poorly). You can think of writing as kind of a military structure if that helps—you have strategy on the overarching campaign (plot/character growth/allegory/theme) level, the battle (scene that advances the above) level, and the tactical (sentence-level construction/syntax/wording) level. They all have to work together. If a scene is failing to properly engage with the idea you’re trying to convey, you’re losing a battle that will weaken the overarching campaign. Same thing if you choose a weird word in a sentence/write in a style or tone that’s weirdly out of place with your idea—it makes your engagement with the theme/idea less convincing. just try to be purposeful and consider your strategy on all levels of your work as you’re writing it!! At the very least it’ll make editing easier lol.

But then again when I read my own writing from just a couple months ago I cringe out of my skin, so like—just also accept that it’s a process and we’re all just making it up as we go along. Be proud of being embarrassed of your old work, because it means you’re growing. Own that shit. When I finished writing WWGATTAI i thought it was the best thing I’d ever written, and maybe it was. But since the day I finished working on it, it’s the worst thing I’ve written since then. That’s a great feeling. Not to be like writing grindset obviously bc it’s supposed to be fun—but if what you want is to get better at writing, the strategy is to WRITE a whole bunch of shit, and then own your embarrassment about how much you’ve grown since you started. And know you’re still always growing and learning. there should never be any “goals” where skills are concerned 👍🏽

[velvetwastaken]

Afterdeath - A Ganqing Fanfic

Author’s Debrief

First off, I feel sooooo pretentious writing this, LOL. But I figure people who don’t care won’t read it, and if they do care, I can only hope they’ll find it mildly interesting.

And so, without further ado, let’s take a peak behind the curtain of this fic!

I first started writing this all the way back in May of 2022. And in the beginning it was very much a way for me to express my own feelings of grief. If Ganyu’s pain in the early chapters felt real, it’s because it is. It’s how I felt, how I sometimes still feel, and how I observed others around me feeling and behaving. The difference is that in Afterdeath, Ganyu gets to do what we in reality cannot. She got to right the wrong in a sense, she got to quench the burning feelings of injustice that so often come hand-in-hand with sudden and unexpected loss.

And that’s part of the beauty of fiction, isn’t it? Sometimes it allows for unreality to feel just a tiny bit real, if only for a while.

I’ve gathered that writing like this might be some kind of psychotherapy? Maybe that’s true. I wouldn’t say that writing this fic helped me overcome my grief. I don’t think grief works like that. It’s part of me now. It always will be. But I think it did help me compartmentalize it, to put it in a space and into words that I can more comfortably handle. So that’s something.

But whatever this fic started out as, it quickly grew to be more than that. And part of that is why I made the choice to post as Anon. I think most people know my writing because of Reversal. And Afterdeath is a whole other beast. Reversal is great, I love it to bits, but it got far more attention that I ever dreamed it would, and I ended up putting a lot of pressure on myself not to disappoint people. And if they were to open Afterdeath expecting more Reversal, they would be VERY disappointed, lol.

But I learned something during this whole writing and posting process: I do not care. Or rather, I am learning to not care. I will write the things I enjoy writing and the things I would want to read myself. Others can read it or not, and that’s okay. I am still happy to share my writing, even if I end up the only one entertained by it. It’ll still be enough.

This fic also has a lot of firsts for me. I have never written something this long. Or with this rating, LMAO! And, if I’m honest, as challenging as it was at times, it was fun to push myself and see what’s possible. I will not claim it’s prefect, or even anywhere close, but It has been something of a confidence booster. And as silly as it feels, I am prodigiously proud of myself for writing—and finishing—this fic. And yes, I fully intend to typeset and bind it for myself because I am that just self indulgent LOL!

I also want to thank everyone who followed along, reading and commenting as I worked on this over the last year. A few people guessed it was me posting very early on, and their support has been instrumental. So THANK YOU! I couldn’t have done it without you.

I am always happy to talk about my fics, or ganqing in general, so if anyone has questions or whatever about anything, my inbox is open.

But now, it’s time to work on some of my other WIPs! Wish me luck lol.

— Velvetwastaken

[loveabledirtbag]

1.07 - The Review

the day has come. this episode. ufffffffff. this episode. it’s all been leading here. i always knew that it would end this way.

before we even begin, i just gotta say….this episode is so much. it’s so odd how much i love it, because i think it was one of the first times i’d ever felt seen in the service industry. something just happens when you work in the service industry long enough where every single thing that COULD go wrong, DOES go wrong. and for some reason there’s never a FUCKING MARKER THAT FUCKING WORKS.

i’m probably gonna say a lot that pisses people off, and i’m gonna do my best to make sure everyone is pissed off evenly. because i got some hot takes in my watch of this, but i hope you all find it nuanced and detailed enough that maybe there’s stuff in here for everyone to take something away from it. maybe the true traumatic working experience was the friends we made along the way…

LETS DIVE IN

that intro to the episode though! i remember watching for the first time and just being so thrown off guard. why are we getting this semi-old-school tv intro? we get opening credits, we’re seeing everyone coming into work. it’s just so GOOD! because we the audience are just as lost as the characters are. we’re sorta thrown for a loop, with an opening that honestly feels sort of familiar, just like them coming to work feels familiar. day in and day out, they do this. just like every other day. we’ve seen a million shows that show us an opening like this. but then tossing in little bits of chicago history, landmarks, and tidbits. breathing in and breathing out….chicago. all of it to signify that no one (not us, the audience. not the characters) are ready for what’s about to happen. no one knows when they’re going to experience the worst day of their life. if just happens.

uff. ebraheim’s reading of the review is so painfully good. because you can tell his enthusiasm for the review! but his less than perfect reading, on a topic that he doesn’t understand is actually creating tension, adds tension on top of tension! uff. so good.

also, what a pretentious review! my god! the dichotomy of the long haired bearded man who got syd’s dish last episode, and the privileged snobbery of a holier-than-thou reviewer makes his words even more pretentious. “oh, chicago’s changing so much, wahhh. how can we evolve and not change the core of who we are”. which, is a topic i really value, and a subject i think about a lot for my own city. but the way it comes off in this review makes me wanna go, “oh fuck off, you middle aged fuck!”

plus the fact that a lot is happening and ebra is just reading, and is told multiple times to stop, but he keeps going because he thinks he’s lifting spirits. ugh. heartbreaking.

uff. ebra won’t stop reading. tina is late. marcus is NOT doing cakes but is lost in donuts (AGAIN). they’re rolling out the new to-go systems today. a reviewer is praising syd’s dish that isn’t actually on the menu and was given to him instead of being tossed. it’s just a perfect cluster fuck of a day. and it hasn’t even began.

i’ve seen some back and forth on how weird it is that when tina introduces her son louie to the restaurant, after he got suspended, was to ask carmy to teach him how to work at a restaurant. which i don’t think is weird at all! i know a few people who’s parents worked in restaurants, or who knew of parents who worked in restaurants, and their kids basically worked lower down positions as a chore. most weren’t paid. is that illegal? yes. BUT, louie is suspended, his mom works all day, we never hear of a dad. he can’t be left home all day, and being left home all day without supervision probably wouldn’t be good for any kid, but definitely not a kid who just got suspended. there’s a tone in tina’s voice of….recognition that louie probably is going to need to learn restaurant skills because he’s most likely not going to go far in school. so it’s not the worst thing in the world. am i opposed to child labor? yes. do i think it’s the worst thing in the world that while louie is suspended he learns to work in a kitchen? no. do i think he deserves to be paid? yes. do i think he is going to be paid? really couldn’t tell ya. but i also think this is just true to a world of people in kitchens, and a real issue that parents and guardians have to deal with in regards to their kids. right or wrong isn’t really the thing to discuss here, but the authenticity of this moment in the lives of a lot of working class individuals.

i will say that carmy throwing training louie in on sydney is a little dickish. i understand there’s a lot going on, and carmy feels the weight of the lot that is going on. but syd also has a lot going on, and carmy just kind of tosses it at her. i think there’s a lot of moments people complain about carmy throwing stuff on syd’s plate. and i agree with some of it and don’t agree with others. but it could have been just a bit easier on everyone if carmy gave it to someone who had less going on than syd. give louie to sweeps and have louie do the odds and ends that need doing. you know?

UFF, that the moment we see the unhappiness on syd’s face as carmy passes louie off on her, ebra starts reading the review again. painful. just painful.

i love that tina has so quickly come to regard syd as a teacher. that she confides in syd about louie and believes in her so much that she is confident that syd can help louie the same way syd helped tina.

love the little moment of richie and carmy being on the same side on the review. just both of them going: who the fuck is this hack who thinks it’s endearing to call us shabby, as if we’re this quaint little hayseed restaurant. the little engine that could. fuck him! i love those small moments when carmy and richie are so clearly family and grew up together and even as they have the most intense fights together slip right into agreement. because the love is never in question. fight, don’t fight. eh, it’s family.

ufffff, but the fact that richie is just that little extra bit annoying to syd. all the bad things adding together, before the real horse-shit has even happened. it’s just all painful. but like, asking her if she’s blowing someone at the newspaper is a step above anything we’ve seen him say to syd. and syd is just fucking over it, because she’s got enough shit going on. and then his repeatedly calling her boss, subtly rubbing it in, poking at the idea that she’s trying to take over. FUCK. it hurts so good

especially watching it again and knowing it’s coming. because so far if you’re watching for the first time you don’t know what’s coming. you might have picked up the one take, you might notice that while the episode hasn’t been break-neck intensity like some of the first episodes, there’s just this….growing sense of unease. you can almost feel that something is coming, but you don’t know what it is yet.

i love as carmy is getting the count for the day: “richie, go fuck yourself”, “69 all day chef!” just these small moments of humor, even if the humor is people annoying each other and also adds to the tension.

oooof, and then marcus doesn’t have the count for cakes. i just…i want to be supportive of marcus. but this is the….third? fourth time? JUST IN THE SHOW that we’ve seen someone go “dude, come on. you can do donuts, but you HAVE to do your actual job.” like, he almost shut the shop down because he blew a fuse because he fucked up. like, that wasn’t a wake up call? i love his dream, and i want him to chase his dream, but being an adult, especially an adult who’s working a job to support his mom, at a restaurant that is trying to claw its way back from the brink of financial ruin….you can’t fuck around! or you find out.

i love the moment where sydney chooses NOT to get into it with richie. because she’s teaching louie the register. which is, arguably, the easiest thing to learn. the nuance and finesse of it is, without question, something not everyone can do. we see that as the show progresses, and we’ve seen it already. richie has a way with people that is his gift. but the actual act of being on register is extremely easy. and it’s obvious why syd would bring him to the register, but richie comes up and shoo’s them away acting like his job is too much for louie. and syd just bounces to the next thing, and chooses not to get into with him. it’s not worth starting a thing by telling richie his job is not that hard. AND she does the right thing of asking sweeps to take louie, keep working, while she goes over the new to-go system with richie. because she has a lot to do, and can’t be stuck watching a kid.

and then the fact that as richie pushes syd’s buttons about getting her dish in the paper, suddenly she snaps. richie is getting in her face about bringing in “the wrong kind of business”? as if the shop can afford to choose who’s money they take and who’s they don’t? as richie sells coke out of the back alley, and carmy is selling vintage denim just to make ends meet? and so, syd goes in for the jugular and pushes back. with a lot of bite.

i love that at some part as richie, syd, and carmy are talking, as tensions are beginning to rise as everyone is just getting mad at everyone, and BEFORE the shit hits the fan, Spiders (Kidsmoke) by Wilco starts playing. a live version that is so loud, and noisy, and ragged that it just adds to this unbelievable tension and anxiety before you even know why you should be anxious in the first place.

THE SHIT HITS: endless to-go orders. and here’s where i gotta get into this, because i think this is the precipice of a lot of dialogue and conversations and i want to weigh in. before i go ANY FURTHER i gotta just say that i LOVE carmy, and syd, and marcus a lot. i love them. and so when i criticize any of them, it’s not a black and white thing. i’m not trying to take sides and shit on one character completely (like so many people seem to do).

carmy owns the beef. he’s working to try and get the shop out of a hole and build it up to a place where it’s financially stable. he’s also working and trying to introduce his system to the social environment, replacing michael’s system. there has been a lot of chaos, a lot of pushback and a lot of work. he has hired sydney to be his number two. sydney has been the one pushing for to-go’s for EPISODES. and while it’s not like sydney doesn’t have a lot going on, to-go’s has been her fight for a while. even in a previous episode carmy said “we just got it to kind of a chill place, there’s more to do but this is nice and i want to keep it here for a bit” in response to syd pushing to-go’s. so it’s not unreasonable of him to have said to her at some point, “if you wanna do to-go’s, can you be in charge of it?”. i’ve seen so many people shitting on carmy for being a bad boss for not checking on syd’s work, and to me it’s like…he trusts her enough that if she says she’s going to do something, he trusts it’ll be done. how many of us like it when our boss hovers over our shoulder watching everything we do? none of us! i think it makes perfect sense that carmy gave to-go’s to sydney, who’s been asking for them for weeks, if not months, and if he gave her the freedom and the trust to do it herself, since she has continually proven herself as trustworthy, AND as someone who has continually asked for leadership roles. could he have checked in, or double checked that she did everything right, and made sure she didn’t accidentally leave to-go’s on overnight? of course, and i will fault him for that. but we’ve also seen that he’s incredibly busy, and he trusts syd, so that small mistake is not nearly as bad as the people calling carmy a horrible boss want to make him out to be.

plus, it’s weird that the people who seem to shit on carmy as a horrible boss for this moment seem to also think syd is perfect? like it’s carmy’s fault that syd didn’t double check if she turned off the to-go’s overnight? idk, there’s a logical fallacy in how so many people talk about this moment.

but the point of all of this is for me to say, neither of them are horrible! sydney made an innocent mistake! like, a mistake that FUCKED the restaurant, but an easy one to make. maybe she fully forgot to click the off button, maybe she clicked the screen and it didn’t register her finger and she didn’t notice and assumed it hit off? who knows. new technology is weird. it’s hard. and it doesn’t make sydney a shitty person for messing up, nor does it make carmy a shitty person for not catching the mistake himself.

and yes, the fact that as carmy is focusing on the mess of having HUNDREDS of orders (more than they have of any menu item in the shop), that he also stops and says: “i told you that dish wasn’t fuckin’ ready” shows that some of his anger is at syd for having a successful dish. so, yes, it’s misplaced anger, and he needs to work on that. and when syd asks “what does that have to do with this?” and he yells at her to stop talking so he can figure it out, it’s because he knows he was just caught being a baby, and being angry at the wrong thing and not wanting to be confronted with it. he has trouble processing his emotions, and dealing with them, and it comes out in anger and he needs to work on that!

because i think there’s a mix of things happening with carmy and that dish, and syd. i think he struggles not to see her as competition, even as her boss. he says in the next episode that even as the sou at his restaurant, when anyone new would come in he would have the desire and urge to “smoke that motherfucker” because they were the competition, even though he was their boss. and now he’s the owner, and syd is his sou, and even though she can’t get higher without his say so, he still feels that threat of “what if she’s a better cook? what if she deserves this more than i do?”. we see him work on a lemon chicken dish, as she works on a braised short ribs and risotto. his dish makes it to menu, hers doesn’t. but the critic breezes past all the work carmy has done on making the sandwiches better, and updating the menu by saying “some small improvements” only to get it out of the way so he can talk about syd’s dish. the dish carmy said wasn’t ready yet.

and i believe it wasn’t ready, i think i’ve talked about this in a previous post. it wasn’t ready. BUT i don’t think carmy knew what it needed. he comes off as an unhelpful asshole to syd because he doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t know what her dish needs. there’s too much pride on him being the best chef ever for him to work WITH sydney to make her dish perfect. and now it’s all biting him in the ass. he’s mad syd made the better dish, he’s mad he can’t figure out why it’s not perfect, he’s mad all the work he’s doing for the beef is not being recognized but syd’s imperfect dish is, but he’s also mad at the very real frustrations being presented with the to-go orders flying out at him endlessly, and i know, I KNOW (because of the next episode after this one) that he’s mad at himself for feeling all of this and not being able to process and handle it better. and all of that anger and frustration comes pouring out of him in a very unhealthy way.

i also think it’s lost a bit at how carmy takes a moment to think. it’s a hectic moment, and his mind is still on syd and everything else, but he takes a second and he on-the-fly creates a system to try and get everything done and help everyone accomplish the day and get through it. people are going into the walk in and pulling food, stations are being created and properly sectioned off, sweeps is organizing tickets, fak is helping, richie is helping, and carmy gives everyone a job to do. i think it’s mirrored (and mirrored in a healthy way) next season in the finale, but i want to point out that carmy is trying to get everything down and under control, he’s just doing it while screaming and letting his fury fly free on everyone around him.

OOOOOF, and syd asking marcus how he’s doing on cakes, as everyone, EVERYONE, is flying and scurrying and trying to figure out how to get on top of this cluster fuck. and marcus, in a distracted, uncaring voice says “uh, getting there”. because he’s still on donuts. i’m sorry. that’s just so fucking unbelievably not okay.

i’ve seen some people really trying to defend marcus. some even agree with him. it’s pointless to try, we’re fucked, why can’t i just keep working on donuts? BUT LIKE FOR FUCKS SAKE. as someone who used to work at mcdonald’s with no autonomy, who was hired to be some sort of drug addicts half-baked plan to have really good bread when buying bread was cheaper and easier, so your job is nearly useless and pointless. being given the freedom to focus on desserts, and spearheading a dessert on your own, AND THEN being given even more autonomy to research, and experiment, and play around to try and figure out how to make a donut, and all your bosses ask is that you do the job they’re paying you to do. you make cakes. your idea was to put cakes on the menu, we did that, so do it. do whatever else you want, but just make sure you’re doing your job. AND NOT ONLY THAT but at least four or five times in the last few weeks someone has had to say, “hey! do your job please!”, to the point where you even blew a fuse and almost shut your work down for good because you weren’t doing your job. AND NOW there’s a potentially shop ending crisis (AGAIN) and your response is “eh. it’s fucked. i’m gonna do me”. NO! i’m sorry. he doesn’t deserve carmy’s abuse, but he deserves syd’s anger and more. like, i love marcus, but that’s just not acceptable.

ok, and, here’s a place where i want to be really nuanced and try and explain something: sydney’s bouncing around trying to do a lot at once. clearly she’s stressed. BUT, carmy is also running around and trying to do a lot at once, and he’s the boss. he’s creating a system, on the fly, and when he comes to syd and sweeps organizing the tickets he tells her multiple times “step off the expo” because he’s going to do it. and she keeps arguing with him. not maliciously, but because she’s trying to explain HER system to him, but he’s already running HIS system and he doesn’t need to hear her system, he needs her to get in line and start working so they can get through the rush. every second counts and he doesn’t need to waste what precious time that they don’t even have to give to hear her reasoning for something that they’re not gonna do. i don’t want to blow past carmy’s abusive and bombastic anger, because it can’t be, nor should it be, ignored or blown past. but it’s easy to talk about it. carmy is in the wrong with HOW he reacts to the challenges of this day. he’s wrong in every single action, but i don’t think he’s wrong in the decisions he’s making to tackle it. sydney wants to break it down and try to systematically get through things, and carmy knows: we already have more to-go orders than we have food in our walk in. there is no way to systematically break it down. we just have to GO, fire everything, cook everything and see what shit we’re left with when we run out.

syd’s not in the wrong for trying to create a system to break things down and organize the chaos, but carmy is also not wrong for knowing the chaos is too big on this one and they just need to push and see where they land. and as the boss, i will say syd is in the wrong for just…not listening to him. yes, she’s trying to help, and she’s trying manage, but carmy asked her multiple times to do something and she kept not doing it. and yes, carmy is very in the wrong for how he treats EVERYONE. i’m not excusing that. it’s just wrong. but in a rush, especially one as fucked as this one is, you just gotta listen to who’s in charge and do what you can do until the rush is over. does that mean allowing yourself to be debased if your boss is being verbally abusive? FUCK NO. but in a crisis at work in the service industry, if your boss says to do something, you just gotta do it, and if it goes to shit you get the satisfaction of knowing it’s their fault. you were just following their orders. i hope this makes sense. i don’t think they should have just put up with carmy’s abuse, BUT syd’s attempt at trying to have a nuanced and reasonable discussion over how to best tackle the problem was not the time and place. in a crisis, the boss is the boss, and you just gotta go with what they say, and if possible talk about it later. but in the moment it’s do or die.

i also think there’s an interesting parallel between syd’s mistake here, and carmy’s mistake in the very first episode. both of them were trying to help the shop make more money. syd with the to-go’s, and carmy with the ballbreaker tournament. both of them are successful and bring a lot of people in. both of them realize that in the restaurant world, you can’t have explosive growth without proper preparation. because they’re not set up for it. richie tells carmy they’re not set up to deal with the influx of nerds playing games, so carm should make the spaghetti. in this episode, carm tells syd they weren’t ready for to-go’s, and it’s not helped by the good review in the newspaper that morning. more business might seem like a universal good thing, but in the restaurant biz, if too many people come than you overwork your staff, you might run out of food, wait times begin to go up as they’re working harder to accommodate for everything. and then every additional customer gets more and more upset as they have a bad time at this place. you risk losing every new customer, because they came in, and you weren’t ready for them, and they had a terrible time. and you risk losing old reliable customers because they came in and the place was crowded, and you were overwhelmed by the new influx, and they get so frustrated that they decide to never come in again. more than one restaurant has closed because they suddenly experienced an explosion they weren’t ready for, and it overwhelmed them, and then they crashed and burned.

BUT BACK TO THE SHOW: syd didn’t say corner. i’m not sure if saying it would have helped, but richie said corner, syd didn’t. but richie is also an asshole, and choosing to take that moment to push syd’s buttons more as the cakes that SO DESPERATELY need to be cut and prepped fall to the ground. fuck off richie.

tina’s moment to try and check in on syd is so sweet. mama bear gotta come in and mama bear. and that syd takes her anger out on her, and insults the beef (where tina has worked and the place tina loves) and questions what tina or louie is ever going to get out of “a shithole” like the beef is rough to watch. because it’s so clear how much tina has come to respect syd and her teaching her chef things, and for syd to just kind of spit on that, and take her anger she’s feeling at herself (for making the mistake with the to-go’s), and at carmy (for clearly being mad about the risotto and for yelling at her), and at richie (for….well, being richie. fuck richie) and to put it on tina who is only trying to make sure that syd is okay, is hard.

GET ME A FUCKING SHARPIE THAT FUCKING WORKS! FUCK! - the most relatable line i’ve ever heard to depict a shift that has turned into an absolute shit show. why can’t shop sharpies work the moment you desperately need them to?

i do love (and maybe love is the wrong word) the blink and you’ll miss it moment of tina telling carmy that they’re out of giardiniera, and him saying they’ll prep it fresh and (like always) he (without thinking) puts it on syd’s plate. which shows his trust of her. BUT also shows his willingness to brush off anything he doesn’t want to deal with on her. AND THEN, because everything is moving so fast, he calls richie into the kitchen to ask for a sharpie, and as his brain is still processing and flying through he asks him to prep the giardiniera. it’s a beautiful, and realistic, moment of television. because we’ve seen so many moments of “something i don’t want to deal with, ‘syd, you got this’”, and so carmy does that. but he doesn’t even realize he’s said it. and the problem is still on his brain, as he sees richie and asks him to fix this problem, because everyone else (including sydney) is probably dealing with the million other issues that are happening in the kitchen at that moment.

and i appreciate that as richie goes to the back to prep the giardiniera, and sydney questions what he’s doing he says “what does it look like? i’m helping you”, he honestly didn’t go back to fight. he recognizes that syd is doing something, and because he’s also been told to do something he’s hopping into “okay. so sydney’s already doing this, so then i’ll just help her.” which is, honestly, the right attitude. but sydney has already been so bashed around and is already feeling so much that she takes richie’s presence as a threat.

there’s something about the way syd lays into richie that…so supremely gets under my skin. i honestly can’t even fully explain it. she does such a good job in this moment acting out this onslaught of insults. the intense intake of breath, the bitter laughter, the just stabbing (intentional wordplay) of her words into him. ufff. i like….hate syd here, even as i think richie probably deserves it.

and i love that he takes everything she says, chooses not to engage until she insults his daughter. WHICH IS FAIR, syd went WAY TOO FUCKING FAR with that one. because we know he feels like a loser. his ex wife has him as richie bad news, his daughter wonders if that’s his real name, he brags about drunken nights and mornings at bars to dates and doesn’t realize why that doesn’t impress them, and then lies to his coworkers about it, blaming her. he knows that he’s a loser. but he knows that his daughter is the one good thing he ever did, and he doesn’t want his daughter to think of him as a loser.

and again, carmy comes in as they’re fighting, even as syd is brandishing a chefs night, literally TOUCHING it to richie’s stomach, as she says “maybe i will fucking stab you”, and he screams at them to shut up and get to work. which, once again, is the right call, just enacted terribly. because yes, they need to stop and just get the work done, but his screaming at them isn’t going to help calm them down. but also, like….when people are brandishing knives at other employees, maybe you got bigger fish to fry, carm.

uuuuuuuuuuufffffda. the fact that after all this time. ALL THIS TIME. as everyone is having the worst day in the kitchen they’ve ever had. arguably, the worst day in the kitchen anyone COULD HAVE, that marcus goes up to carmy with a DONUT and is smiling, like, “look! i did it!” FUCK OFF.

and no, carmy freaking out, grabbing marcus’ face, grabbing his donut and throwing it on the floor is not okay. that is abuse. it just is. arguably, actionable abuse. marcus was…partially right for leaving after carmy did that to him. that was absolutely, unequivocally, not okay for carmy to do. but….marcus…..the fuck dude. this is like the fifth or sixth time someone has had to do say to you “the fuck? do your fucking job.” in this episode alone this would have been like a “third warning” in a day. marcus deserves to be fired, or sent home for the day, or written up, or some form of punished for this. because in a 20 minute, in real time, no cuts scene, this is literally the third time marcus has chosen not to do his job, not to get back to work, but not even to help anyone else out around the kitchen as they all are struggling and hustling and just trying to make it work. like, it’s not only disrespectful to the restaurant that it trying desperately not to close, it’s not only disrespectful to carmy who has literally given you every opportunity to chase after your dreams and been way more than understanding when your dreams have gotten in the way of your duties in the kitchen, but it’s so fucking disrespectful to every single person in that kitchen who is struggling and fighting tooth and nail to get things in order and make it work so that they still have jobs next week. like, marcus, your mom is sick (spoilers), tina has a son, richie has a daughter, you all need to pay rent, buy food. you’re threatening seven people’s livelihoods because you want to make a “perfect donut”? no, i’m sorry, get the fuck out of the kitchen and come back when you’re ready to be an adult who can multitask and prioritize doing his job, and doing the fun stuff only after everything else is done. (again, carmy’s reaction is fully wrong and i do not support it, though! toxic, angry, abusive. not okay).

but because of carmy’s abuse, marcus chooses to leave during the middle of the shift, and again, kind of leaves everyone in the lurch to try and figure the shit out and pick up the pieces. and….im not fully sure how i feel. i believe in removing yourself from abusive situations. and carmy is being abusive. and i also don’t believe in staying in an abusive situation for the sake of other people, because you have to take care of yourself first. but….carmy is not normally abusive like this. i know a lot of people like to say that he is, but so far in the series, he has only ever raised his voice to speak over others, and has almost never (if ever) been confrontationally abusive to anyone. other than maybe richie, and that’s giving as good as he’s getting, to someone who is in his family. i’m not trying to excuse abuse to a family member, but it’s much more of a feel of “richie is my cousin, i can speak differently than i would to the others who are my employees”. his meanness to richie is more of a informal familiarity, more than it’s abusive. this is really the first time we’ve seen carmy choosing to be loud, angry, AND attack others directly with his words. he has been confrontational, he has been loud, he has been angry, but he’s never been all of them, as he’s attacked those around him. so, all of that to say….the fact that carmy is like this for the first time is shocking, and it adds more believability for why marcus (and eventually syd) leave. it’s shocking. but i also can’t help but think of everyone else that marcus is fucking over by leaving the very first time carmy does something wrong to him. you know? and maybe i’m wrong! maybe i’m not reading past experiences and conversations and interactions correctly! if i am, let me know! but, every time i see marcus throw his tray of donuts on the table and take off his apron and walk out, i can’t help but think “really? you fucked up so many times, you were told to do your jobs so many times, and now you’re choosing to pack up and go home??? you’re fucking people over and forcing syd to do your job for you, while she does a million other things, and you think you get to go home as the morally superior one? fuck off”.

and again, i love marcus. i think he’s got so much heart and is arguably the heartfelt anchor of this shows. but he’s human and the writers do a great job of writing him as a human, and he does a great job acting as a fully fledged human. but as a human, he has made a lot of mistakes the last few episodes.

AND THEN SYD STABS RICHIE IN THE ASS!!!! quasi-on purpose, quasi-accidental. i mean. watch in slow-mo as richie backs up into syd’s knife. its so quick, and syd was looking over at carmy shouting, and richie was backing up. like…it WAS an accident. buttttttttt…..was it?

the fact that richie immediately upon getting stabbed walks it off, and is like “ebra, come on. i got stabbed.” and ebra also immediately follows richie to sew up his ass. what friendship. and what history does it spell out for richie and ebra, both? like richie is just like “ope. stabbed. okay, i’ll deal with this now.” and ebra is like “you’re stabbed? okay, let me get my stuff.”

“not right now, i got stabbed” “you probably fucking deserved it” “mm….m-maybe, maybe.” is such a good back and forth between carmy and richie.

i also think it’s interesting that as carmy walks out to the front of the shop to check on louie and sweeps, while richie is at the front of the bar for ebra to check out his ass wound, carmy asks louie and sweeps how their job is going, and they respond that they’re working on it, and carmy says “thank you, chef. keep going please.” very calm. very collected. i wonder if this was voice over, and just sort of overlooked, or if it was a conscious decision of carmy being calm and responsive in a moment during the chaos? because since shit has hit the fan he’s been shouting and calling people names, but louie and sweeps respond to him with just “we’re doing what you asked” and his response is a very appropriate “ok. thank you.”

i love that as ebra tells richie his story of samalia and the “factions”, as he describes the helicopters coming in, we hear helicopters in the background, mixing with the music. and then richie goes “is this shit black hawk down!?” such a genius moment of humor during such a tense episode. and for that exchange to end with “fuckin’ piven” “piven”.

i fully believe the two seconds carmy spends in the walk in cooler he’s taking two seconds to just breathe.

tina opens the doors, even as they’re out of food, for the very first customer of the day. and he says “do you guys have risotto?” and tina just barks “no!”. ugh. so painful. so good.

once again, syd leaving right as the doors are opening is….i have mixed feelings. she just stabbed a guy, i get it (well….i don’t get it, i’ve never stabbed a guy). but she’s clearly in a bit of shock, and should prioritize her mental health over the shop. but….AGAIN, there are so many people who have no other options in their life, who need the beef to survive, and to abandon them all in the middle of a crisis just sucks. and i think it’s saying something that it’s syd and marcus. they have been sort of focal points and main characters in the show, yes. so them leaving is the most dramatic to the tension and narrative. BUT they’re also young. syd has an impressive resume and can find another job. arguably, marcus has a better resume now than he did when he got the job. they’ll be okay. but as it’s been stated so many times….where is richie gonna go? where is tina gonna go? sweeps has a history of drugs that is probably going to make it difficult to get another job (maybe. idk. he could have been kicked out of the mlb for weed or something, but still). the beef is full of people who have no where else to go, and the people who can afford to get out to at the worst possible moment, at the expense of the people who can’t afford to leave.

i was talking to my sister about this, she’s a psychologist. because i want syd and marcus to be emotionally, and psychologically healthy, and part of that is by removing yourself from toxic situations. but i can’t help but see the class dynamics of two people who have way more opportunities and privilege leaving the shop at the expense of the people around them. and i don’t know fully where to land.

but syd basically leaving and putting all of the blame on carmy is still….not fully right in my eyes? carmy is being abusive, carmy has created an atmosphere in the kitchen that was so overwhelming and bombastic that syd got distracted and accidentally stabbed richie. but for her to say “well, it’s all carmy’s fault” isn’t right. yes, when she calls him a piece of shit, she’s saying it for his actions today; for his actions with not having the humility to admit he doesn’t know what’s missing from her dish, and a lot. but almost every episode they’ve had a back and forth and a chance to talk and he’s continually apologized for his wrong moves, and she really hasn’t. so, to be right in the middle of a shitshow, and to say “this is all on you, this isn’t my fault”…like….ehhhhh, you asked to have more responsibility, you pushed for to gos and then you didn’t set it up properly. easy/honest mistake, but you still made it. that’s on you. you also picked fights (even with assholes who deserved them) and tried to argue with your boss about something in the middle of a rush. like, all understandable, none of it evil. but to turn all of that over to carmy and go, “100% of this is your fault.” like…no it’s not? syd definitely has a right to leave to try and process the traumatic event of stabbing someone, she has a right to leave to escape the toxic environment carmy has created, even if i have mixed feelings on making everyone’s lives harder by leaving. but i don’t think she can say it’s all his fault. it’s not ALL his fault, even if A LOT, if not MOST, of it is his fault.

i also wonder if syd calling him a piece of shit has anything to do with their “i don’t want to be shitty” “then don’t” conversation in season two? (but we’ll talk about that when we get there)

carmy realizing the weight of his actions, as the shit continues to crash and burn around him, only to crouch down and eat the smushed donut off the floor, and then have a sick, twisted, grim smile as he realizes that the donut is actually really fucking amazing, is such beautiful poetry. it hurts.

and also, people really are disgusted by carmy doing that, and like, yeah, it IS disgusting. but that shit happens every day at your favorite restaurant. shit fall. people pick it up and eat it. it’s not great, but it’s so true.

carmy smacking the ticket printer off the shelf and (hopefully) breaking it is the only outburst of anger i am in full support of. the ticket printer deserves to die.

aaaaaaaand that’s the episode. wilco plays their final note, a crowd erupts in cheers and we’re all left just…emotionally wrecked. i have probably watched this episode (along with the whole season) a dozen times, and im still conflicted on how i feel about the whole thing. because obviously carmy is in the wrong. it’s barely worth discussing how carmy is in the wrong. anyone trying to defend carmy is also in the wrong. but i don’t think he deserves 100% of the blame. a bad thing happened that wasn’t his fault, and he took his frustrations out on everybody around him, instead dealing with them in a healthy and non-toxic way. but everyone in this episode was at their worst, and that’s THE POINT OF THIS EPISODE. EVERYONE. tina’s mama bear-ing only caused frustration, marcus was lost in donuts and made things harder, syd made a i little mistake with huge consequences and then also attacked everyone around her (except much less intensely than carmy), richie is on fine form with being his annoying self, ebra reading the newspaper after being told to stop, and carmy’s abusive, explosive anger. they’re all at fault. not just carmy. carmy is just the loudest, most bombastic, and the main character, so we notice it more.

but that’s the episode! next is episode eight! season finale! in what is arguably one of the most subtle, nuanced, often overlooked and not talked about episodes….with one of the biggest, over the top endings ever that everyone LOVES talking about. but, we’ll talk about it when we get there!

season one: episode one | episode two | episode three | episode four | episode five | episode six | episode eight

season two: episode one | episode two | episode three | episode four | episode five | episode six | episode seven | episode eight | episode nine | episode ten

[monakisu]

hi!!!! i really really love your art and it's been a really big inspiration for me lately ^_^ i just wanted to ask if you'd be okay with maybe going through your usual art process?? every time i try to draw i just end up getting frustrated since i never know where to start 💔if this is too much to ask for feel free to ignore me and i hope you're doing well regardless!!! 💕

thank you for such a sweet ask wow what the heck ૮(꒦ິཅ꒦ິ)ა❤️🌈 i hope you’re well too and i’ll gladly share my process!! i love oversharing anyways….!!! (although i often dont know where to start and it takes weeks for me to gather up the energy to even start aufhijfjghhh)

💖CRITICAL STEP before i do anything at all: surf pinterest for inspo!! 💞💕 it can be inspo for art styles, ideas, or just ~vibes~ (if that makes sense lol?? 😸) but ever since i started actually sorting my boards my feed has become a lot more colorful and cute and inspiring…! 😸😸 i especially like seeing all the unconventional art styles on there!! it’s where my cartoony-ish style originated from ( •ૢ⚈͒⌄⚈͒ •ૢ)💖💓🌸🌷🍃

sometimes i come across a post on twitter that i GOTTA manifest into a drawing, so even though twitter is very rancid and negative, it can be good! sorta!! but yeah i try to start out drawing with a solid idea of what i wanna do in mind, or else it’ll just end up being a generic right-facing 3/4 portrait LMAOoo…….. 🤠👍

❤️colors: generally i will give up after i have a sketch and slither off to binge horror novels, but RARELY i might proceed onto the coloring stage… i have this disorder in which i need to maximize the vibrancy of every pixel on my screen or i’ll Die. 🪦(ɷ ꒪ཀ꒪)ɷ for shadows, i rarely use black unless i reallyyy need to; i just do dark purple! 🦄💜🔮🪄 for highlights, i never go for pure white; usually it’s cream or neon yellow, but sometimes skin will have these little light green spots to stand out (this is actually a color theory thing i learned from oil painting… green vs. red!) 😸🍏🤝🍎😸

🧡overlay: i have at least 2 different layers set to overlay, so i can augment color vibrancy EVEN MORE and make things ✨glowy✨ like a 💥flash bomb💥!! on my first overlay layer, i go over dark colors with either dark brown or dark purple, set to a very very low opacity (practically transparent) to make things DRAMATIC, and then lose all my marbles on highlights at regular opacity!! my other overlay layer is for me to go crazy with the rosette brush, which looks like those comic book dotsies! ٩(๑′∀ ‵๑)۶•*¨*•.¸¸♪

💚touch-ups: after i’ve given up on my drawing and accepted that this is the most i can do, i proceed to do even more to it by slapping filters on it in picsart and picmonkey. my go-to filters in each app:

💙picsart: indie 2, usually set at 30% (it makes colors EVEN MORE NEON as if they weren’t eye-searing enough QAQ💧). i used to bypass their dumb af membership thing to access their gorgeousss glitch filter for my backgrounds, BUT THEY REMOVED THE ABILITY TO SCREENSHOT INSIDE THE APP so i hate picsart lol 😸🫶 indie 2 slaps fat cheeks tho

💜picmonkey: my true love!! they don’t hide their BEST FILTERS behind pretentious subscriptions 😁 okay i’ll stop complaining… 😁😁 so much Good Kush in this thing like lux, lightleak (makes things purple and glitchy!), splendor, lush…

💖and then i’m done FOR REALS and i post it and i don’t draw for 3 weeks while i writhe in guilt nyahaha (ง˙∇˙)ว=͟͟͞͞➳❥

i hope this helps!!

[stergeon]

for the writer ask

💭🚦💛 💌

💭 What inspires you and your writing?

this is a real marketing major-ass answer (from your local marketing major), but i love sharing knowledge and telling stories. writing’s one of those things that’s a bit of a compulsion for me—i’m always writing something. i took a five-year break from fiction writing before i stumbled ass-first into fanfic last year, but even in those years when i was focusing on my career, i was writing guides and trainings and a ton of other stuff—just not anything fun, lol.

writing is also so cathartic. sometimes i set out to tell a specific story, but at other times, a particular emotion gets me in a vice grip and i have to put it to words before it’ll go away. my stories tend to wind up as emotional dumping grounds as a result.

i don’t write things pulled directly from my own life, but there are bits and pieces of myself and things that have happened to me scattered throughout stuff i’ve written, and usually when i’m about 75% of the way through a piece, i’ll realize it’s absolutely related to something i’m currently going through. funny how art works that way, even when you don’t intend for it to.

and occasionally i just have a fire lit under my ass about an issue and i get so hot about it that i gotta compile my thoughts. looking at you, silver snow

🚦 What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.?

look, i would love nothing more for them girls (pick whichever girls you please) to have a happy ending where they kiss and are stupid in love for the rest of forever. i love reading those kinds of stories. but in my heart of hearts, i love an ambiguous ending. i like when there are still questions after the story ends. i like thinking about where things could go or how the characters will go on after the events of the story. like, shared space could be read as having a happy ending, but i don’t really think it is. and with the victors; the vestiges, well. you’ll see :0)

come to think of it, i’m not sure i’ve ever written a happily-ever-after, but i don’t think i’ve ever written a 100% bad ending, either. i read too many bury-your-gays stories and watched too many sad european queer coming-of-age films in my youth to ever be happy putting that kinda thing out into the world. i want to write about love with all its ugliness, but not despair or hopelessness. i think what most appeals to me about an ambiguous ending is that lingering feeling of hope. it’s not the same as the kind you get from a happily-ever-after, and something about it speaks to me.

💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing?

honestly? how to take criticism. i took a creative writing class in high school where we had to read our work out loud and then receive feedback on it from the other writers in the class, and that did a lot for me. going into that class, i’d already been writing for forever and had won some little local writing contests and such, so i was a wee bit of a pretentious douche. but i’d never gotten real critique before beyond, essentially, spelling and grammar checks. it humbled me lol. it made me grow so much as a writer, and i could see where i needed to improve or where my head was wedged way too far up my own ass for others to follow. it also helped me recognize strengths i didn’t know i had, and that was huge. it’s easy to get into a self-doubt spiral when making creative work, and good, constructive criticism can do so much to help avoid that.

to this day i love critique. i like knowing what worked or didn’t work so that i can continue to improve as a writer and do better next time. did my themes land? did something really work, but another part fall flat? i’d love to know!! i try to treat everything i write as practice for the next thing, and frankly that’s helped take some of the pressure off so i don’t go into total Perfectionist Mode.

i know critique is kind of a sensitive topic in fan spaces, but i think that’s because a lot of people have gotten unsolicited criticism that is purely critical and isn’t constructive. but getting good, constructive criticism will do so much to help a person grow as a writer. it’s scary, and sometimes it hurts! writing is very personal for most people, and it stings when things aren’t received the way you think they will be. but i know i’ve grown more from having my failures pointed out (and, very importantly, having the good things about those efforts acknowledged) than anything else.

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?

actually Just answered this in another ask!

[randomvarious]

Today’s mix:

Tech House Phenomena 3 by Dave Mothersole 1999 Tech-House

Gonna quote legendary electronic music opinion-haver Ishkur at length here in order to kick off this post, because he and I seem to be of the same mind when it comes to the mostly bad phenomenon that is tech-house music:

Somehow by incorporating the strengths of both Techno and House, Tech House succeeded in appealing to neither. So the result is something frustratingly banal and monotonous when it really shouldn't be...

Tech House straddles the razor-thin tightrope of something that doesn't have enough funky warmth for House yet not enough cold mechanicalism for Techno, so what comes out instead is something stiff, repetitive, and boring. It's such a disappointment, like the last season of Game of Thrones.

Tech House had real promise. It could have done great things with the tools it had. And it's something everyone hoped would happen, like feeding Scrabble tiles to a dog to see if it shits out a word. But instead Tech House wasted its potential on pretentious Berlin nightclubs and that aimless, meandering noodlyness that the Brits are fond of, like a 70s prog rock solo that goes on for way too long. Technically interesting but utterly soulless...

Tech House can be good. There is honestly good Tech House out there. I've even heard some. But finding it is a Herculian task of Sisyphian anguish in a Kafka-esque, Orwellian realm of Dostoevskian torment. It is possible to load up your music player with nothing but Tech House mixes, hop into your car, and drive to the other end of the continent and back and never hear the same song twice yet never hear an interesting song once. The odds of coming across decent Tech House are worse than needles made of diamonds in a rough full of haystacks.

So, a big yes to pretty much all of that. I'm always willing to give tech-house (and all genres, for that matter) a chance, but I usually end up being bored by it in the end, and this ephemeral 1999 mix from veteran UK DJ Dave Mothersole as part of London label Eukahouse’s Tech House Phenomena series is no exception. It's just always basically moderately interesting backbeats with nothing melodically interesting going on on top. Somehow, this CD has a 4.2 rating on Discogs though, which is pretty high, so while Ishkur says this music's appealing to no one, there are people who seem to actually really enjoy it. But I don't think I'll ever understand why, personally.

That said, there are a few rare occasions on this album when the music's good: San Jose, California's E.B.E. has a track that I've loved for a while now called "Distraught," and it's this dubby, electro-splattery groove that has no two bars on it that sound exactly alike. So, for a dance genre that's typically stifled by monotony, this one seems to stand out from the rest.

And the closer, "Luv Talking," from London's Pure Science, is pretty great too. It's something of an infectious party groove that already comes equipped with sampled bits of recorded revelers itself, so it sort of just has this naturally inviting post-disco house essence to it. And it appears to be exclusive to this mix too, besides its appearance on a 12-inch that's also called Tech House Phenomena 3 that was most likely released as a teaser for this mix.

So, if you'd like to hear that song in particular, or you're brave enough to admit that you actually love tech-house, you can message me for this mix, because I unfortunately am unable to find any kind of link for it.

And go check out Ishkur’s Guide to Electronic Music too. His website is a uniquely indispensable resource for learning about electronic music and the histories and sonic characteristics of its many niche genres. His depth of knowledge on the subject is incredibly vast, and his genre explainers are witty, funny, and insightful. Plus, the playlists he puts together for each genre are really good too, especially for the genres he enjoys, which seem to be a lot of them. I’m a really big fan of his work and his writings have definitely played a role in helping me develop my own eclectic and nuanced tastes in electronic music. Without him, this silly music blog I have probably would never exist 🥺.

Highlights:

E.B.E. - "Distraught" Bryan Zentz - "Binary Ritual" Pure Science - "Luv Talking"

[rainingmbappe]

Maybe the sky has always been calling your name, maybe that’s why you take endearing pictures of it.  This is what feels the closest to retranscribing the overwhelming beauty your eyes can catch, even if pixels will never be enough (at least for you and I).

I too, wish I could study about every science, but I just have one body and one life. I think i will always be mad at myself for not being able to live for hundreds of years, as ridiculous as it may seem. I get so overwhelmed by my love and desire to learn and discover everything that I often lose myself in ignorance if that makes sense. But this is what is so beautiful about it, no matter how hard I try to get all of the answers, i will never get all of them. So instead of being sad about not being able to learn literally everything, I enjoy the tiny speck of time I have on this planet, learning piece by piece.

Biology never failed to amaze me, I won’t lie jellyfishes are my favorite animal and when I heard that they were probably the first living thing present on this planet, I became so obsessively in love with them. I even have a huge poster of jellyfishes in my bedroom. Learning about the outside world and what is around us is cool, but learning and discovering about our own essence and what we’re made of is even cooler. What do you mean my brain knows how my body works but I don’t ? (Sorry if I’m rambling) I told to some of my relatives how it was amazing that the brain was the only organ « aware » of it’s own existence, and they laughed it off saying it was a rubbish thought. I don’t know if I’m right about it, i think I saw something about it in a book. The human body will never fail to amaze me, as much as every living thing walking, crawling or swimming on this earth. May I tell you that your blog always found a special place in my heart and that I always deeply enjoyed it when you talked about science or when you reblogged science stuff. You have a special place in my heart Sara.

The 🔭🌌 anon, formerly known as zowa.

I knew it. I knew that the last ask was you but I didn't want to say anything or assume anything at the cost of embarrassing myself. Zowa I don't know why you left and I wouldn't want to pry too much I will tell you how saddened I was by that. I was genuinely taken a back. I wasn't that active and when I came back on I noticed that your blog had deactivated beside it. I almost felt guilty for not checking I'm or being in contact. But I hope you're doing well <3

I too get overwhelmed zowa. I get overwhelmed all the time. I need to put down books and dry my tears because that's how overwhelmed I get. I cried numerous times during Oppenheimer and my sister just knowingly shook her head at me haha. But yes I completely understand you.

I, too, have had people scoff at me so many times. I've been told that I talk too much and that I'm very pretentious about talking about science stuff. And frankly it hurts like a bitch. I just want people to be as enthusiastic about it as me and when they don't reciprocate it hurts. But then I have people like you who make me feel so seen and heard. Make me feel so understood.

Jellyfish are unendingly cool. Having a Jellyfish poster is so so cool.

And zowa seriously speaking, if I can effortlessly write a 5k word essay on my love for space, the human body would be a full-length book. So I'll bookmark that one for now 😭🫶🏽

Not to be too sappy, but I miss you so much, too. I feel like as we were getting close and having so much fun, I had exams. I mean I always have them fucking exam man 😭😭. I really hope you come back when you're ready. And if you're never planning to, thata completely fine. Talking like this is rather mysterious and fun, I might add.

[friendly-books]

Dresden files Death Mask live blog

Death Mask live blog

Larry Fowler show

Aw Harry has stage fright 

“I’ve been in house fires I liked more than this” pg. 14 Ha and Harry probably started those fires

“An old, quiet hurt mixed in with my nervousness” aw :(

“Because I’m broke and your producer is paying double my rate” pg. 18 Ha

Go away Duke Ortega 

“So would killing every vampire on the planet. What’s your point?” pg. 28 Well Harry you certainly put a dent in that population.

Harry, don't you dare agree to this duel. HARRY no stop why did you agree?!?

I’m glad to be getting Marcone in this book but confused as to why he’s trying to kill Harry? A public shootout doesn’t seem like him. And shooting near an innocent Priest too

Susan’s back! 

Polka music is this Butters? I’m meeting Butters! Wow he had a beat on the supernatural before meeting Harry. Poor guy almost getting fired. 

“The soul gaze began almost instantly” pg. 89 So Harry soul gazed a denarius. “GET OUT” pg. 91 I take it that that’s the fallen angel

Go Shiro! 

Go Sanya!

Michael! 

With how Harry’s describing Michael I’m not so if it’s Bi Harry or vivid description from Jim

“I’d have died. It isn’t like isn’t going to happen sooner or later” pg. 113 Definitely sooner than you’d hoped 

“The Order of the Blackened Denarius” pg. 114 Such a pretentious name 

“Believe it or not, Micheal, I’ve been tempted once or twice. I can handle it.” pg. 115 Not just handle it. Turn Lash around to the good side. Michael should have more faith in Harry’s stubbornness and goodness

Ebenezar! 

I hope to learn more about Harry’s apprenticeship with Ebenezar and living in Hog Hollow

“I frowned at her. It’s not like I don’t like kids or anything, but I hadn’t had much experience with them.” pg. 155 Just you wait Harry

I love Ivy already. I love that Harry gave her a name

“Now that’s creepy.” pg. 159 Ha

Charity being mean to Harry Electric Boogaloo. The fact that Harry thinks that Charity might not tell Michael about the duel is concerning.

“I hear they make disinfectants that don’t hurt these days. But Charity used iodine” pg. 222 Ouch

Murph please stop trying to arrest Harry 

“Rudy was young, good looking, clean-cut” pg. 231 Bi Harry 11

We’re getting more Marcone yay!

Harry and parties don’t get along. I fully expect he sets off one fire 

“Do you remember the last time you wanted to come on an investigation with me?” pg. 233 I remember. It was Terrible 

“He had a male model’s face” pg. 241 Bi Harry 12 Thomas! I didn’t know you were in this book! 

“As one of us” pg. 245 No one wants Harry as a immortal blood drinker vampire least of all Harry

“The Red Court has been quietly building its resources for years.” “You were not the cause of the war. You were merely the excuse” pg. 253 I don’t know which would be worse starting a war or being the excuse.

“He had handsome but unremarkable features” pg. 264 Bi Harry 13

“Cautious that’s me” pg. 266 Ha

“Marcone blinked” pg. 266 Oh Marcone didn’t know? Interesting I like that Harry knows Marcone’s tell(?) 

“Don’t try me in public, Dresden. You can’t afford to do it. I can’t afford you to let you” pg. 266 Is Marcone worried that Harry will make a scene in public? He already had one at the Varity back in storm front

Gard! 

How big is this air duct?!?

“Marcone isn’t going to sprout horns and claws and start tearing you apart” “Or at least, I don’t think he is” pg. 284 Not yet

“You’ve done such things repeatedly when there was a woman in danger, Harry Dresden” pg. 290 Wow all the bad guys know that Harry has a Chronic Hero Syndrome. First Mab now Nicodemus like Harry this is starting to be a problem now that it’s being used against you

Go Susan! 

“I remove their tongues” pg. 304 Well that’s not good. How would they communicate with each other and their boss? 

“Little Maggie’s youngest” pg. 305 Does every morally dubious person know Harry’s mom? I’m questioning her and her friends? What bad social groups did she run in Nicodemus knows about Thomas? So he knows Thomas father 

“Not at all. Give us a kiss?” “She slid onto his lap and did. With tongue. Yuck.” pg. 310 Yuck doesn’t even begin to describe the visceral feeling of disgust I got from reading that line. 

“I wasn’t immune to temptation. The Demon, the Fallen, would drown me in it. It’s what the Fallen do.” pg. 315 Believe it or not Harry but you won’t give into temptation 

“The Jap” Racist much Nicodemus 

 No Shiro :(

Well Maggie’s conceived 

Lash/Lashciel! I can’t wait to meet her

I’ll let the snakes eat her. Bite by bite” pg. 394  Well he’s done messed up 

Harry torture doesn’t work

“It’s from Outside” pg. 408 interesting 

Ortega made the mistake of threatening Harry’s friends 

“What was left of Shiro lay on it” pg. 438 Sobbing:(

“When he coughed and wheezed I almost screamed” pg. 440 Ha

Marcone to the rescue on a helicopter!

Ride of the Valkyries Ha

“He gave me a direct look “I can only speculate as to why” pg. 446 Ha

I love Harry and Marcone’s banter. It’s always funny. I have to stop myself from quoting the entire dialogue 

 Train battle! 

“Do you know what I think?” said Marcone. “You think we should shoot Nicodemus in the back at the first opportunity and let Michael dismember him” “Yes” I drew my gun “Okay.” pg. 463 Ha 

“It was Marcone. And he hadn’t thrown a rope at me. He’d hauled me out with the Shroud” pg. 468 Cool

“Great. I’m going to require an armored escort to make sure  I get to hell” pg. 470 Ha

Ebenezar did a colony drop. It was cool

“He pulled in, dressed in casual clothes and wearing a baseball cap, which alone generated enough cognitive dissonance to make me start dropping” pg. 481 Bi Harry 14?

Persephone/Amanda!

“He pulled out a teddy bear and slipped it into  the crook of the girl's arm. He got out a book. Then he started reading to her, out loud.” pg. 481 Awww

“I hadn’t ever pictured John Marcone praying. But I saw him forming the word please, over and over.” pg. 482 My heart

“My eyes widened. “She’s yours?” pg. 483 Unfortunately no but that would certainly make an interesting au

“I’ll kill you,” he said in that same soft voice. “If you so much as breathe in her direction I’ll kill you, Dresden Myself” pg. 483 Marcone sure is protective of Amanda 

“I shook my head and stood up. “No. I won’t do that. I’ll take it up with you” He stared at me for a long moment before his expression softened “All right” pg. 483 My heart 

“I panicked abundantly and lunged out ahead of him, slapping my hand down over a polished silver coin before the child could squat down to pick it up.” pg. 486 Let’s go can’t wait to meet Lash 

“Harry” whispered a gentle voice” pg. 487 Spooky 

Final thoughts 

I’m planning on reading the short stories but I’m not sure when. Maybe after Changes to give myself a break from all that’s going to happen in that book. I loved all the Marcone we got. We’re up to 13 or 14 Bi Harry moments depending on that drooling comment. The train battle was so cool! I liked that Harry and Marcone had the same idea. I liked that Harry figured out that the noose. He really scared Nicodemus. Harry’s in his early thirties and Nicodemus is thousands of years old. What is Marcone’s end goal with Amanda like say she wakes up. She’s been in a coma for years. She'll want her parents and not this stranger (Marcone) . What's Marcone going to do to tell Beckitt that their kid is alive and awake. What’s his plan? Does he know that Helen tried to kill him back in Storm Front? I liked the fights in the book. I thought the duel with Duke Ortega was cool. I loved Ivy. I thought Shiro was cool. Now about that dual the Outside stuff Ivy brought had the same naming convention as He Who Walks Behind maybe they’re from the same place. Outside reality but that brings how did Justin sic a being outside of reality on Harry? As always, I love all the Harry and Marcone banter. I loved Marcone and Amanda. I loved that Harry was willing to take up the Shroud with Marcone. I liked that Harry picked up the coin to save little Harry. But couldn’t he just pick up little Harry instead of touching the coin? Can’t wait to get Lash. I really liked this book. Onto the next one. I’m making steady progress on the series.

[loulicate-recs]

Hello dear Hanis!

(Author’s note: hang on tight, this is a long one)

I hope you had a nice Saturday 9th :) I’m personally doing great—my computer has survived. Computerengineer!secret santa rises, apparently. The problem wasn’t so much that I couldn’t turn it on but that once it was on an error message would shop telling me to restart it or do some stuff to try to fix it and in the end I managed to fix it. Look at me being an independent woman! Anyways, I’m really glad it’s back because it was stressing me out not being sure I’d be able to keep the documents I have on here which are essential for my exam. This is not very interesting, I’m sorry for rambling about it dksqd But thank you for offering suggestions and help, that was very sweet of you!

And I know! The Machu Picchu looks magnificent. To answer you’re question, I’d say I’m not like, super duper comfy with heights without being full on scared. Like if I don’t focus on it, I’m good and even if I do, I just get a strong rush of adrenaline and shaky fingers but that’s about it! Most of the time, at least, because I did a via ferrata once, some kind of climbing route that’s supposedly super secure and I was shitting myself. I didn’t want to let go of the grips even when I was off belay and pretty much couldn’t feel my fingers anymore. I’m alive though and managed to make it to the end so at least that’s something. Have you ever climbed before? How are you with heights? One of my best friends can’t stand on a chair without wanting to die, so I know my own stress is pretty lowkey and normal I’d say-I mean, I don’t want to die you know kjdshqdh

I think I must have phrased my ideas badly last time because I actually already live in Europe, and to be fair, I quite like it here. But I am manifesting for you: I really want you to be able to move over here! I do think Europe has a lot of opportunity to offer and as someone who’s experienced living abroad for a short time (outside of Europe), Europe calls me like nothing else! I’m thinking of moving countries, experience life elsewhere basically but still within Europe because despite some major differences, there’s a community of interests and I’d be close to home while still experiencing a different culture and learning about people. I hope you find the “freedom” you yearn for here, though I’m not quite sure it’s the right word for what you’re feeling. I feel like what I’m saying makes it look as though I think Europe is better than other continents, which I don’t! It just is the place I feel most comfortable in as of now, so I hope this is not coming off as pretentious :)

Teaching! How incredible. I can’t remember if I’ve told you, but my mother actually is an English teacher. It definitely feels like quite the challenge, but I hope you’ll find joy and blossom into it. You seem amazing at speaking English anyways, how did you even get this good???

I do like having conversations much more than I like small talk! I’m not entirely sure about how much of myself I share during these convos but I do like it. As a child, I didn’t want to go play with other kids but wanted to listen to the adults talk. I think it made me incredibly curious about people and probably made me believe I was a mature child when I really wasn’t ldjsqdks this got me a big head for literally no reason and feels so stupid. And I love more learning more about the way people think and view the world :) and love love love teasing them!! Would you say you’re curious?

I love reading and rereading your fics love, it’s really no problem :) I hope we’ll get a new one in the future because they’re always super fun and cute <3

I’m not necessarily talking about your classmate when I say that but I hate people who pass off their rudeness for frankness. Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be mean, or cruel and I think it’s too easy to play off rude comments for honesty when you just never cared for other people’s feelings in the first place. Do you know what I mean? It’s not super related, but it makes me feel sad knowing you’re not sharing something that’s so dear to you and makes you happy-though I kind of am the same at the end of the day.

I would never, ever have guessed you were so invested in drama! You’re a full blown and well-rounded artist it seems; a writer, an actor/actress, a director. What were the plays you played about? I’ve taken drama classes when I was younger and though I was never good at it, it was always proper fun! I kind of miss it, at times. I forgot to say it, but congrats for all of your achievements. Getting the main part is no piece of cake. I’m sure you were amazing!

Myself, I’m not really a writer, though I’ve written in the past. It’s been two years, though. I don’t think I’m smart enough to think of a whole fic even though I have some scenes playing in my head at all times. I’ll never write a 100 chaptered fic, that’s for sure, though I do enjoy long fics. I don’t think I should admit to it, but I’ve read pretty much every blff fic already dsqjdlsqkj I loved the one you mentioned, and love feels like a weak word. The world building, the characterization, the scenery? Beyond this world. 5 starts. 10 out of 10, would recommend. I’m craving for more amazing fics to read now, but it feels like a draught after BLFF which was such a prolific period. It’s like I’m going through withdrawal dskdjqslk

I can’t listen to music while reading. It’s a no. It’s easier music or reading, as listening to music already feels like an activity of its own. I’ve tried a few times and it always ends up one of two ways: I read and completely tune out the music or I can’t tune it out but I can’t read. I don’t know how people do it. I don’t. might be because I’m really dedicated to listening to music… I also love listening to podcasts, but I basically can’t do anything while listening to keep focus, besides doing something that requires no brain effort and I usually end up playing candy crush dskqjdlsk this is lame but this is me! And I completely get you, reading is a special experience, so you need to have the right circumstances to read peacefully. I personally love reading in my bed in the dark, but I can push myself to read sitting down when I really want to read with no bed available. I HATE reading at the beach, I don’t know how people do it, it’s so uncomfy. Sometimes, I really long for my bed just because I want to bury myself in a good fic and under the cover. So yeah, that’s me!

What kind of music do you listen to when you want to? Who are your favourite artists (besides the louboy)? I cant believe I almost forgot about it but I need to know your top 3 for fitf!!

Dsqdjsql I laughed reading your pun about louis being a hole kldjsl not that he’s not but it took me by surprise amongst a paragraph of praises. He’s such a slut for men it’s kind of embarrassing but eh, he can have anything he wants so at least I know he never goes a day frustrated. I love sunflowers, poppies and peonies! Can’t really say if they’re my faves but I like them. And to answer your question, I have considered it but at the moment I have a super super low maintenance plant (you only have to water her once a month) and she’s still dying. I’m not like fairy!louis in your fic, my green thumb is nonexistent.

You’re a right tease for saying you wanted to ask something and reporting it to the next message you’ll send. Now I’m scared you’ll forget what you wanted to ask and that I’ll never know dliisqjdlksq

I’m gonna end this here as I’m sure it’s about 500 words longer than what it’s supposed to be. Thank you again for your time, your words and for sharing so much with me. You’re amazing, lovely and I hope you’ll treat yourself as you deserve on Sunday <3 Love,

xx

hi my brilliant secret santa in STEM im sorry for this overdue answer! i spent the entire day taking care of my baby cousin since her dad is being admitted to the hospital and her mom needs to be there for him, i’m still with her until tomorrow but now that she’s asleep i finally have the time to answer you :3 BIG sigh of relief to hear that your computer is back to normal! having all of your important docs there but not having the access to them because the computer conked out on you would be a disaster. google docs can’t just handle every type of documents too so i get how you felt! you can ramble about anything please don’t be sorry 🫶

i’m proud of you for having to tick off such an extreme activity despite feeling all the things you couldn’t help with! that’s definitely something. now that you’ve proven to yourself that you are able to do via ferrata, would you consider doing it again if you have the chance? :o i have done some hikings throughout the years, but even the most extreme tracks that i did could not compare to what you’ve done! i also did abseiling recently, but it was just from the 4th floor sdfghj and tbh it didn’t really do justice in measuring my height tolerance, even though i wasn’t as nervous as i thought i’d be before i did the abseiling. would love to challenge myself more soon to test my actual limit though!

I SEE. i was probably the one who read it wrong. i can see your vision, i’m happy that you’re in the comfort of your own place and i hope you won’t ever lose that no matter where you go, even within the europe because sometimes a different area offers a different atmosphere. you don’t sound pretentious to me actually, i totally get it, and i’m not trying to bootlick the europeans or sth but at least to me the whole continent seems better than where i live, and i don’t mean the whole part of asia. some countries here are actually so fun to travel to, especially the south part of thailand and the whole japan! (plus everyone seems to go everywhere for asia tour except malaysia 💔)

you never told me that omg she must be so loved by her students 🥺💓 and thank you for being hopeful for me! and god no i would say i’m pretty mid in/at/on english see sometimes grammar rules like this make me question my career path 😵‍💫 i didn’t come from a fully english oriented family, though i do speak in english sometimes with my dad but that’s it! this is gonna sound corny as fuck but honestly i’ve been learning a lot ever since i got pretty invested in louis years years ago so all 85% thanks to him. i practised how to speak from all the interviews he’s done in the past, 1d or solo and write from all the fanfics that i’ve read since 2014-15 sdfghj so he deserves the credits <3

i get you being a big head person as you enjoyed the company pf the adults more than the peers 😭 honestly i had that phase too… but at least got something beneficial out of it and i’m sure you were more mature than the other kids. this would be enough for little you! but what matters now is you DO sound so mature in all of our convos. i enjoy talking to you because of that reason, even had my first guess of who you might be because i definitely know a blouie friend who seems so brilliant all the time but that guess was proven wrong when you said you haven’t written in 2 years (this one actually brought me my second guess but i can’t know for sure! 😼) and oh i do consider myself curious but as a scorpio i think i’ve always kept that personality low-key, like people wouldn’t know i’ve been eavesdropping to their empty little convo for 40 minutes already!

i get it! rude people are just the cloves in our perfect dish so i guess sometimes we just have to swallow their bitterness before getting somewhere. and despite you also enjoying fanfics, i still have to thank you for making me comfortable to share that very one part of me with you <3 i do hope whatever it is that you LOVE to talk about for hours can be included in our daily discourses!

thank you thank you but that’s actually way toooo many compliments for a mediocre person with mediocre level of talents like me </3 i was lord capulet when we did romeo and juliet, mr algernon in the importance of being honest and mahsuri in a local play, mahsuri! it was a big transition for me for having to play such a manly, cocky character before playing the most demure malay lady 😭 ah was the drama classes you took organised by the school?

so you DID write fics, sooo sexc! were they larry or other ships? i wonder if i’ve read your fics or not i hope i didddd! you keep having some scenes playing in your head, that’s a sign 🙏 god you are amazing and you should be proud of that! i wish i had more time to speed up my blff reading </3 but here i am still not even halfway though them. and i only have around 3 weeks left before the new semester starts :’( i’d love to recommend you my favourite fics but i’m pretty sure you’ve read most of them! but if you still want me to link you, please let me know! i’ll do in the my next answer, i have to update my list. what about you though DO YOU HAVE SOME TO RECOMMEND 🤲😼 (me asking for more to slow down my blff reading even more…)

you described what i feel about listening to music whole reading perfectly and precisely, especially the beach part like? it’d get so windy over there and don’t get me started with the sand and the hotness and also the people around? sorry i just can’t ✋

hm i’d say i’m that kind of person who listens to music, album by album? sometimes when i feel like letting loose i’ll just shuffle the spotify mixes because i’ll get to sing along to music that i mostly know, and it’s the best feeling ever. but when i don’t feel like listening to something in particular, i’ll go through albums that have been catching my eyes for quite sometimes and if the albums are good, they’ll get added to my playlist and will be getting my 2nd/3rd listening until i have my final decision on whether i should keep them on my added albums or not? i definitely enjoy listening to taylor, lana, avril, 5sos, mayday parade, mcr, conan gray and marina. and GOD I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TOO… i actually asked this to my assigned blouie sdfghj should’ve done the same with you! okay okay so firstly honourable mention to all this time and face the music 🙏 i can't ever decide on having between headline/woaf as my first, and sometimes there's out of my system and chicago squeezing their way into my top 3 too sdfghj it's really hard to choose i swear this record is so good r but here you go the songs mentioned are defo in my top 5! now your turn hey this is really important 😼

it’s true he can have anything he wants except for the justice for his arm 😢❤️‍🩹 omg all those 3 flowers are so precious, well sunflowers are more elegant if i had to describe it but your flowers >>>> dw i’ll send fairy!louis over so she can take care of your flowers for you ☹️💞

okay so this is kinda evil but you don’t have to answer tho since it may jeopardise your anonymity but i promise you i won’t look too much into it, i just simply wanna know! plus it would ruin the surprise for me as well if i sabotaged the secrecy of my santa. but who else do you stan other than louis? :o

thank you for always writing back to me so i can live up to the fantasy of my own version of letters to june (a favourite fic of mine that i’m sure you’ve read too) i know i may talk a lot but honestly you don’t have to reply to every single detail pls ik how much time and energy it’d cost you ☹️ don’t let my b1tchless-ness rants tire you out <3 love u love u mwah !