#I just need to finish some shit all this half-done not quite ready is making me insane

[luvwestwood]

"Off Limits" - Gojo Satoru

4,120 words.

warnings. n*sfw (18+), tongue piercing satoru, substance use, satoru is a plug, fuckboy! satoru, oral sex (he eats your pussy OUT) , both characters 🚬 🍃, resolved sexual tension, porn with a BIT of plot, mildly dubious consent, fucking at a party, he makes you squirt

notes. this was originally posted on my ao3, which is much more longer. i've shortened it down and fixed errors I made on ao3 originally (see if you could notice what it is 😭)for tumblr so its more of an easy read! <3

banner cred. @/yunonoai on twt/ig

You had about an hour and half to get ready, before you had to make your way to the Mappa Frat House down the street. Chloe's brother, Satoru, and his friends were inviting you two to some house party they held every year building up to Halloween.

To be real, it took you A LOT of convincing for Chloe to have you come to the party with her. You were never a party person. The thought of throwing up your guts after your system has consumed all types of shit. Or the annoying guys that slap your ass from behind in hopes of getting time with you in the bedrooms upstairs.

You were the total opposite of Chloe, and honestly, you envied her. She was a social butterfly who could blend in with anyone if she needed to, and she was evidently liked by the other students of any clique out there.

Oh, and by party animal, I mean it. Dresses in every colour, length and pattern. Heels of every inch and style. She just knew what to do. Practically, if you got her to go to your party, that's how you'd know if it was a good fucking party. 

Sitting in front of your desk finishing your makeup, which you were surprisingly good at, you giggle as you watch Chloe attached a lasso to her waist.

She had looked really cute in her Woody costume, and you were in fact, dressed as a sexy Buzz Lightyear. Earlier on at Ann Summers, Chloe was begging for you to match with her. You couldn’t refuse. It was a 2 for 1 sale anyway..

You smiled as she started to record a few tiktoks before hitting the road.

"I'm gonna have so much fun with this rope tonight."

"Mhm.." you let out a hum as you focus on doing your eyeliner. It was hard not to laugh at what she said, but you managed to suppress a giggle.

You lined some lashes with glue before placing them on your lash line. Your makeup was flawless tonight, and you were grateful because it had been quite some time since you've done a full glam. A bit of setting spray, and you spun your chair around to face Chloe.

It was as if she was a proud mother from what she was seeing in front of her. "Gorgeous! You look like a doll. A sexy one. Stand up really quickly, let's take a few pictures before heading out."

You stumbled a bit from the high heeled boots you were wearing, and you had to adjust the fabric your ass was practically eating as you stood up. You and Chloe took a few cute pictures before heading out to the Mappa House.

As you guys got there, it was already packed with all shit ton of people spread out on the front lawn doing all sorts of stuff.

The loud music from the inside could be heard from where you were standing. People were smoking, making out, doing keg stands.

Honestly, Chloe was right. You looked at a group of girls huddled and chatting near the door, and one caught your eye. The girl was wearing nothing but black tape on her boobs and underwear.

You nudge Chloe. “Chlo, what is she meant to be..?”

She giggled a bit before replying, “Who knows.”

You got a bit nervous as you walked on the path leading up to the main door. Spooky Halloween decorations were all over the House, and sometimes you were unable to tell what and what's not a decoration..

A man was standing just inside the door, it seemed like he was waiting for Chloe.

The guy dressed up as Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat. You'd never seen him before, and he looked a bit intimidating.

You heard Chloe call out to the man. "Kento!" ..So that's his name. You stood behind Chloe like a loser as she gave him a hug. She pulled away and stayed pressed up against him. 

He smiled, "I'm glad you came. And who's this pretty girl?"

Kento turned to you as you looked at Chloe, she held you close to her too and gave you a proper introduction. "This is my best friend and room-mate, I convinced her to come along tonight!"

You returned the smile to him, he seemed like an okay guy. "Hi, nice to meet you."

Chloe winked at you, and you smirked, knowing what it meant. You gave her the look of approval as she took her lasso and tied it around Kento, pulling him to a room somewhere in the house.

You laughed as you made your way to the kitchen, after they disappeared up the stairs. How outrageous.

It was more quiet, which you liked. Making your way to the far end of the kitchen, you opened the fridge and scanned what's inside. You decided to take a small can of Pepsi. You sighed as you turned around, closing the fridge shut with your butt.

The presence of someone behind all along startled you, leaning against the island watching you this whole time. 

"Oh my fuck. Why are you creeping up on people like that?"

It was a person, assumingly a guy, his face covered with a ghostface mask. He was dressed in all black. A simple black fitted tee and jeans. He had a fake knife strapped to his belt.

The mysterious guy took off his mask, and placed it on the counter behind him. Of course, It was Satoru, Chloe's brother.

You let out a labored sigh as you leaned against the fridge, unable to move.

"I'm surprised you showed up tonight, I thought you never will."

You slowly slid to the right trying to escape him, turning your back to face Satoru as you popped the can open on the counter. "...It was a last minute decision."

"Seems like you got a costume too, huh?" Eyes sliding down your body as he finished his sentence.

Your eyes widen, realising your ass was on show to him this whole time. I'll kill this man if he thinks I'm up to no good.

You quickly turn back around to face him with the front of your body, and it didn't do you any justice as he was just met with your almost exposed chest. Party in the front, party in the back.

"I'm not complaining, you look good." he reassured you, trailing his eyes down your body from head to toe.

"..Thanks." Quickly, you took a huge sip from the can as you looked at him. This drink will only un-calm my nerves.

"I'm actually not into parties myself either." he spoke, and you almost choked on your drink.

"You? THE Satoru Gojo? I wasn't expecting that."

"No, I just like more intimate parties. Big ones like these annoy me. I don't know and don't care about 3/4 of the people who are here."

He continued, “You wanna come with? I’m going upstairs. There’s one last free room. And that’s the master room.”

Chloe was already busy, and there wasn’t really anyone else you could talk to around here. You had no choice.

”Hmm, okay. I’ll follow.”

He made sure to grab his mask from the counter, and the two of you left the kitchen.

As you made your way up the stairs, you could feel other girls eyes piercing through your back like daggers. Luckily, they couldn’t recognise you that easily.

By the time you set foot on the upstairs landing, you called out to him. "Satoru," you continued, "Who's room is this even?"

"Suguru’s, but it's cool. He won't give a fuck."

You followed behind him for a bit until you reached the master bedroom.

”Lock the door if you don’t want people coming into this room eating each other’s faces off.”

You blankly stared at him for a bit before turning back around to twist the lock. The music from downstairs turned faint and so did the chatter.

For a frat house, Suguru’s room was actually clean, you expected dirty plates and what-ever-the-fuck to litter the rest of the room, but the only exception was the clothes scattered on the ground. You watched and sat yourself down on the bed as he rummaged through the drawers for something.  Is he… reaching for a.. 

He picked up a lighter from deep inside the drawer, taking a joint out that was untouched from the same drawer, but kept away in a tiny zip bag. Phew.

”You smoke?”

You looked at him. “What do you think?”

”I’m guessing no.” You didn't know if you were to be butthurt by his quick and certain answer, but you don't see a reason why you should be anyways. His words went a bit quiet as he concentrated on sparking the joint between his fingers.

He took a hit from the joint as soon as it was burning perfectly. “Damn, that shits good.”

”Is Suguru not gonna be pissed if he finds out you took that..?” You questioned him.

”..Who do you think sold this stuff to him?” He flashed his famous smile as he saw the priceless look on your face.

You chewed on your lip and looked at the ground. “Oh, right.. yeah.”

You forgot that Satoru was basically the one who sold 🍃 on and off the campus.

He walked over to you, and sat beside you on the edge of the bed. “You don’t wanna try?”

Satoru took another hit before blowing the smoke out on his right side, making sure it doesn’t hit your face.

“I don’t know. I’ve never done it before, plus I’m scared.” You continued, “More scared I’ll start coughing like a bitch that I’d make a fool out of myself.”

Even though the only source of light came from the bedside lamp, you could still see that his eyes were glossy, and at this point a tiny bit bloodshot. “I could teach you, here.”

He held out the joint towards you, the smell was so strong it was probably sticking to your clothes by now.

”Quick, it’s burning away for no reason.”

You held the joint between your fingers like a cigarette, and looked at him for assurance.

”No, not like that.” He took your fingers and placed it properly between your pointer and thumb. “You look like a loser if you hold it like a cigarette.”

”Okay, what now.”

”Do it, take a hit.”

You stared at it before bringing it to your lips. Satoru spoke from beside you.

”Like, almost as if you’re sucking. Make sure it really gets to here.” He points to his chest.

You slightly squint your eyes as you take a mistakingly big hit.

”Now hold it for a bit, then exhale. It’s gonna hit better.”

The joint left your lips as you held it for like two seconds, and you let out a laboured exhale.

“Good girl, see? No coughing.”

You passed it back to him and Satoru takes another hit.

”..How’d I know if it hit me?”

He smirked, “You’ll just know. Don’t worry, I got you.”

All of a sudden, it felt like everything slowed down and your face was being grabbed to the ground.

You felt a bit relaxed knowing that Satoru was beside you, and you managed to take a hit without embarrassing yourself and going all snotty.

Unwillingly, you take the joint back from his hand to take another hit.

”What happened to Ms. I don’t smoke?”

You rolled your eyes before you passed it back to him again. 

Satoru smiled at your reaction before speaking again. “You wanna play a game?” 

Stomach churning, and not really liking where this is going, you answered. “..like what?”

”I ask you a couple questions and you answer, then you do the same to me.”

You snickered. “Isn’t that just called ‘getting to know each other’?”

”Yeah, I just wanted to make it sound more interesting.”

“Okay, why not.”

“How about, if you refuse to answer a question you take off one piece of clothing.”

You looked at him with a , ‘nice try’ face. ”Nuh uh. Not happening. Just ask the questions.”

”Aww, it was worth a shot.”

“Start asking questions or I’ll change my mind,” you changed your position on the bed to lie down on your stomach. It was more comfortable than stiffly sitting on the edge of the bed.

”You ever had a boyfriend?”

”Once. But I was like sixteen.”

Satoru just nods. “Your turn.”

“Did getting your tongue piercing hurt?”

He turned to you and smirked, “I’m surprised you noticed it. But nahh. Not really, it was just the healing process that hurted.”

Your face slightly grew warm, “…Yeah, I noticed it yesterday.”

He just smiles, and asks his second question. “You ever gotten your pussy ate before?”

You swallowed your spit as you propped yourself up slightly. “I’m sorry, what?”

”You heard me.” He takes another hit of the joint even though it’s almost shrunken to the smallest it can be.

You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “…No.”

”…Good.” Satoru muttered, but you couldn’t really hear.

It was your turn to ask question again.

”..Why’d you want to get it pierced anyways?”

”Dunno. Why’d you think?”

Silence and tension grew between the two of you. You didn’t know if the naughty answer that crossed your mind was right or wrong. 

You didn’t know if it was the temperature of the room or the shit you smoked. You avoided answering his question.

”…Y-your turn to ask the question.”

His next question came out immediately.

“..Wanna see for yourself?”

Your breath hitched as he spoke. You didn’t know what to say. And you didn’t know what he meant.

”Is that a question you’re using up or are you just saying that… as a joke..”

Satoru stood up and walked over to the dresser, placing his costume props on top. In fact, he took everything out of his pockets and placed it on the dresser. 

You watched him glance at his phone for a bit, reading all the messages from his other homies before placing it down on the dresser and not replying.

A pool was forming between your legs, and you gently clamped them together while still lying down.

You’d be lying if you said you totally didn’t want to strip everything off and be naked by the time he turns back around. But you kept your composure.

Satoru turned back around, walking back to the bed. He sat on the same edge he was on a few minutes ago.

”And what if I do wanna find out,” You spoke, testing the waters.

His voice was laced with honesty. “I don’t want to push you out of your boundaries, we don’t have to do this. We can forget that this happened and my sister won’t ever know I was near you.”

A few thoughts were racing through your mind. I mean, Chloe was busy, you literally had weed in your system and you never thought you would’ve. There’s a first for everything, right?

You gently crawled over across the bed,  closer to him. “…No, I do want you to show me.” Your voice trailed off quietly, you grew shy as you drew back.

He turned his head behind to face you, and was able to see the sincerity in your eyes. Not gonna lie, he was very attractive. And I was literally begging to have his head between my legs.

You came closer to him again, and found yourself placing your lips on his first. The two of you melted into each other, with the lingering sexual tension finally resolved. 

The good girl act no longer existed, and time around you felt like it had stopped. This was something you needed, and you finally got it.

He was extremely gentle with his hands, and softly guided you to move back further onto the bed, placing your head down on the pillow.

You slightly squirmed as he placed his knee between your legs. He pulled away from your neck  before looking at you from above, caressing your cheek with his thumb. 

“Just relax doll, I’ll take care of everything.” He left you with a peck on the lips as he slowly peppered a trail of kisses down your body, going lower and lower.

Your breath hitched as he cupped both of his hands around each of your thighs, kissing your inner thigh as he looked up at you in between.

His hands were cold, and caused your nipples to harden from his touch. But the heat of your body cause him to warm up in no time. He paused for a moment. “Can I?”  Satoru points to your tiny shorts before you responded with a nod. You slid them off and threw them somewhere in the room. You’ll find those later.

You watched as he used his teeth to teasingly slide your thong off your body, down your legs. You grew goosebumps from the feeling of the fabric slowly gliding down your skin.

It was painfully slow, but it made you want him even more. He knew what he was doing, and for your first time getting eaten out, it was like winning the lottery if Satoru was the one doing it.

He took them from his mouth, and placed it in the back pocket of his jeans before kissing past your inner thigh, Satoru placed a wet kiss on your throbbing clit before doing a few small licks with his tongue.

The mixture between the metal of his piercing and tongue made you shudder, causing you to whine and clamp your thighs around his head gently.

You felt Satoru's soft hands grip slightly your skin firmer, spreading your legs more apart and keeping them wide open for him. You were expecting his hands to be cold, but surprisingly your skin was met with his warm touch. He sucked on your clit gently, before lapping at it again hungrily.

Your two hands were occupied themselves, one grabbed onto his hair and the other clutched onto the sheets beside you. He only pushed his tongue deeper into you, basically gently fucking your hole with it.

Practically losing your mind from how good Satoru made you feel, you could tell he was enjoying every single noise and reaction you made. You felt the way he smiled against your dripping cunt as he cycled from sucking to licking.

”…Don’t.. stop..” you continued, in short breaths. “…Please”

He hummed gently with his eyes closed, his lips glossed with his spit and the juices from your pussy, and the sound of someone’s phone ringing echoed in your ears, releasing you from your trance.

You looked down at him annoyed as he hauled his head up from your legs. “Not my phone, mines silent on the dresser.”

You turned to the far end of the bed to your left and saw your phone screen was flashing. Reaching for it, you saw Chloe was the one calling.

Turning the phone screen for Satoru to see, he squinted his eyes a bit to read who the caller was. “You can answer,”

Before answering the call you laughed a bit, as you saw how ridiculous you made him look after grabbing his hair.

”Chloe?” You watched Satoru as he tried to listen in on the conversation.

He whispered, “Put it on speaker.”

You nodded, and Chloe could be heard on the other line speaking.

”Hey girl, just checking on you. You okay?” You heard her and Kento giggle as she tried to speak over the phone. But it was a bit louder around her, so that means they were with a bunch of other people now.

”Yeah, I’m…” Your eyes widen and flutter as felt as Satoru placed his head back down between your thighs, slowly and slightly lapping at your clit again with the cold metal orb on his tongue causing you to throb again.

You felt as he carelessly swirled his tongue around like there’s no tomorrow, but this time he let one of your legs go and thrusted a finger in and out of your hole, emitting a squelching noise as he continuously sucked, stimulating you like crazy.

The pleasure overwhelmed you, and you had to bite down on your bottom lip to suppress a moan.

”Heyyy, you there?”

You were unable to answer as your own words became nothing but breathy as you try to form a sentence.

”…Y-Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m in the…b-bathroom.” You felt his lips curl into a smirk against your inner thigh for a second time as he heard your little lie over the phone.

You furrow your brows, making an “O” shape with your mouth.

Your hand holding the phone fell flat onto the bed, and by now you were no longer listening to whatever Chloe was saying on the other side of the line. Your mind was clouded, and the knot in your stomach tightened as you felt an orgasm approaching.

Lucky for you, Chloe ended the call less than ten seconds ago as it seems like she was busy with something else. Hopefully Kento.

He felt the way you quivered even more than last time, and held one of your legs over his left shoulder as he thrusted another finger in, still lapping and sucking at your dripping cunt as your breathing quickened, becoming irregular.

”Cum all over my face,” He murmured against your warm lips, and that did it for you. You liked the way he was gentle with his hands, slowly using one to rub your thigh on his left shoulder. He was deep in there, and he ate your pussy like it was a five course meal.

You watched as him as you rode out your orgasm, your head falling back against the pillow. Your mind was all over the place as you endlessly squirted all over his fingers that curled inside of you to aid your high, and felt as you slightly pushed your body more towards him.

“S-shit..” Was all you could say. You saw the way the piercing was exposed for a split second as he stuck his tongue out, the juices from your release dripping all over his mouth.

As he gently pulled away from between your legs, a ‘pop’ noise was heard after he gave your clit one last suck. 

You couldn’t help but laugh at the way his face was soaking wet.  Luckily it didn’t go past his above nose. Or he’d be partially blind for the rest of the night.

The neck of his shirt managed to be slightly soaked with splatters from your juices. But he didn’t care.

“..You got a little something on your face..” You say, pointing to your mouth with your finger to tell him where it was.

He smiled, and you watched as he used his tongue to wipe the corners of his mouth, but took a random towel hanging off the door to wipe the rest off his cheek.

“Damn, Suguru’s gonna be pissed when he sees how soaked his sheets are.” Satoru laughed as he looked at you still with your legs spread out, trying to recover.

No can do, the towel that was previously used by Satoru was passed to you after.

The wet circle underneath you had expanded from soaking into the sheets for too long. Satoru grabs your shorts that landed just in front of the door and tossed them back to you, but as he walked away a knock could be heard.

It was Suguru, of course it was. “Yo, whoever’s in there is cheeky enough to lock my own damn door!”

You quickly slid on your shorts as you turned to the body mirror beside you, combing your hair with your fingers.

Honestly, you were a bit upset that your fun was cut short. But you couldn’t stay for too long or eventually someone would break the door down.

“Man shut the hell up, it’s me, Satoru. I’m in here.” He responded. You watched him in the mirror as he slowly came up behind you, turning you around and gave you a sweet peck on the lips. Making sure you knew he didn’t just want to leave you hanging like that. That you weren’t just a toy to him.

The two of you walked to the door, twisting the lock to it. “Here, you go out first. I’m right behind you.”

You nod as you left the room, and shyly smiled at Suguru on your way out who was dumbfounded, followed by Satoru behind you.

And of course, Suguru couldn’t help but notice your pink thong that was still hanging off Satoru’s back pocket.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⤳ © luvwestwood ‘24. all works are owned by me, and originally come from my own head. please do not re-post on a third party platform without my permission!

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⤳ as always, thank you for the love on each and every one of my posts. 🎀🩷

[dirtybitfic]

COMPANY pt 1

Matt Sturniolo x y/n

contains~ business meeting , fight , slight degrading , little bit of flirting.

y/n pov -

Its currently 4 am and the only reason i'm awake is because my boss called me . I try my best not to fall back asleep as he goes on and on about shit I need to do before todays big meeting. Don't get me wrong I like my job but sometimes my boss drives me insane. I didn't sleep well last night which is not helping the current situation .

*phone call*

Matt - Y/n are you even listening right now

Y/n - Sorry yes mr sturniolo I'm just trying my best to stay awake right now

Matt - Well I will let you go back to bed but you better have things ready when I get to the office am I clear

y/n- yes sir I will have it ready

Matt- Good girl ill see you at 12

Y/n - yep see you in the afternoon

*phone call ends*

I woke back up around 8 and made my way to the office .

I always make it a point to look classy and wear business attire especially when we have big meetings like today. I wear an outfit that I know I look good in but comfortable enough I can sit through 3 hours and write notes for my boss.

I finished up my last task Mr. Sturniolo had giving me on the call earlier and sat at my desk waiting for him to arrive. I've been his assistant for about a year and a half. He's a pretty good boss though he can be harsh and assertive with me at times I try not to take it offensively .I know he just likes things a specific way .

I've been sitting for about 40 minutes when I get call from my boss and I immediately pick it up even though I don't exactly want too

*phone call*

y/n-hey mr sturniolo

matt-hi y/n I just called to tell you that the meeting has been pushed back too 1:30 our clients flight got delayed

y/n- Okay sounds good sir I just finished up the final touches on the presentation and the meeting room is set up and ready

Matt- Atta girl! thank you for getting all that done . Im sorry for calling you at 4 am I know it wasn't the best time

Y/n- Its okay I know you like things done perfectly so im not upset

Matt- Good well I'm parked down stairs and was about to go grab some coffee would you like to come with me?

Y/n- Sure why not ill head down now

Matt- Okay I took the blue convertible today so I have one of the claw clips you left in it a couple weeks ago so your hair doesn't get messed up

Y/n- Oh good thank you

Matt- Of course see you in a couple

Y/n- Yep heading down now bye

*Call ends*

One thing about my boss is he notices the little things most don't for example him knowing I wouldn't want to mess up my hair and keeping the clip in the car just incase I needed it. I know its just a small gesture but it makes me feel some type of way , a way I definitely should not be feeling about my boss. We have a slight age gap given he's 27 and i'm 23 which is yet another reason I should not have the thoughts that I do about him quit often.

I Made my way down to the private parking garage and walked around until I spotted my favorite car Mr Sturniolo owns. Obviously everyone loves a convertible but his is just perfection.

"Hey!" I greet him as I open the door and slide into my seat.

"Hi Good morning " he he greets me with a small smile.

" New suit?" I ask as I look over him noticing i've never seen him wear this suit.

" Yes actually it is" he says with a sigh .

" You don't like it do you?" I ask as I can tell from the sigh and his facial expressions he doesn't seem very excited about it.

" No I hate wearing colored suits but my brother insisted I wear it for todays meeting" he says with an eye roll making me laugh.

" Well for what its worth I think it looks good ... It brings out your eyes" I say smiling over at him.

he return the smile before asking where I want to go for coffee.

I told him to go to Philz so he heads there.

One thing that we do share is music taste so riding around with him is always good. We were listening to "Everlong by the foo fighters" when my phone started to ring.

I look down to see it is my ex who had recently broken up with me . I sigh as I immediately hit decline . He cheated on me for an entire year with a woman who owns a large art gallery and I only found out because I went with matt to buy art for his new penthouse he moved into and saw my boyfriend walking out of her office with lipstick on his face and an untied tie around his neck. Safe to say my boss saw a side of me I wished he never had.

I yelled at him for an hour outside the gallery when he finally broke up with me telling me " I don't love you anymore ... I actually never really did I just liked your body and living with you in your nice ass apartment " so obviously I punched him in the face and he cried like a bitch when I ended up "accidentally" breaking it .

Matt watched the entire thing and safe to say we did not end up buying anything from HER gallery. When we had gotten back to the car Matt had praised me for the way I handled myself and said he was proud of me for breaking his nose .

I felt bad acting how I did in front of him but i'm glad he didn't judge nor fire me for it.

" Zach again" he asks as he pulls into the parking lot giving me his full attention.

" Yes hes been trying to call me all week and I have been ignoring him " I answer as I throw my head back letting out a deep breath.

" They say you never know what you had until its gone . I have known your for a while now and I don't understand why he would cheat on you " he answers in a tone that shows anger and annoyance.

Im glad I have a boss who cares about me outside of work even though some would deem a conversation like this unprofessional it's very normal in our relationship.

"Yeah I don't know either but i'm over it I just want him to leave me alone" I answer ending it with a long sigh and looking over at him.

" Im sorry he's such an ass but we should go in and get our drinks and head back to the office" he answers as turns the car off and unlocks the doors.

I nod as we get out and make our way into Philz and order our drinks Matt always makes it a point to never let me pay which I appreciate but with the amount he pays me i'm very capable of buying my own coffee. I mean shit I live in a 3 bedroom open floor apartment all by myself , Just goes to show I make more than enough money.

We get our drinks and make our way back to the office to get settled in before the meeting.

As we were getting the projector up and running my phone started ringing again . I turn the ringer off and throw it in my bag rolling my eyes. It doesn't go unnoticed by matt when I catch a small smirk runs cross his lips. He doesn't smile too much , I notice that he only really smiles around his family and sometimes me if i'm lucky . He's intimidating which is one reason I was so scared when I first got the job but the thing that kept me going was one day about a month into working for him his mom came into the office and told me that I must be special because he went through 25 interviews before me and he had met me , He was very specific about how he wanted his assistant to act and behave and shockingly I guess that was me. He may have "liked me" but for the first year and a half he was cold and standoffish with me , he would practically ignore me unless he needed me for something or when he would tell me the things that needed to be done for the week.

He finally started warming up to me sometime last year and i'm really glad he did it makes the job 10 times better and enjoyable when he acknowledges and speaks to me .

I sat in my chair by the large windows as I zoned out looking over the city but was snapped out of it when our front desk guy told us through the intercom our clients were on the way up.

This new client we have is actually very exciting . The company that matt owns is a luxury advertisement production company . We make advertisements and plans on ways to promote products and grow the businesses me work with.

Our new client who is on their way up right now is a wine company . Their vineyards are located in the south of France and they have made a new champagne that is flavored with different fruits. They created a new flavor line which is peach, passion fruit , Pear and guava. At first I was skeptical of how well these flavors would taste and if they would really sell or not but after sampling them all I knew they were going to make amazing profit from the new collection.

I sat through thirty minutes of the meeting when my phone continuously rang and vibrated with calls and texts. I knew it was my ex and I started to get fed up so I stopped taking notes so I could just power off my phone.

I grabbed it from my bag with a roll as I saw 6 missed calls and 15 text messages that he had sent in the span of 30 minuets and started powering off my phone .

" You're assistant seems to be more interested in her phone than the importance of this meeting. I must say this is very unprofessional" I hear as my head snaps up and I make eye contact with one of our clients. He glares at me as he scolds me for being on my phone.

" i'm sorry I was just powering it off beca-" I try and explain myself but he immediately cuts me off before I get the chance.

" I don't want to hear any excuses . You need to learn how to respect the people who want to work with your company " he scoffs with a rude eye roll and I cant help the tears that start to fill my eyes.

I look at matt panicking but find him staring at me with an agreed look .

" i'm sorry would you excuse us for a second" matt says as he comes over pulling me out of my chair by my arm and dragging me out o the room.

"I-im sorry I didn't mean to-" I start to say as the tears stream down my face.

" Y/n you need to understand these are very important clients and if this goes right not only I will make a lot of money but so will you . I don't like the way he spoke to you but I will not compromise this deal by saying something to him. So we will take a few minutes for you to calm down and make him think that I set you straight and we will go back in" he says as he places a soft hand on my back soothing me .

I nod " yes sir" I answer as I calm my breathing and look up at him.

We keep eye contact as his eyes seem to grow darker . Something in me stirs as his hand moves up and down slowly on my back at some points getting so low he could grab my ass if he felt inclined too . I hater to say it but his soothing actions are turning me on. Ive always felt a tension between us but I used it aside just telling myself its his cold personality that makes every situation slightly intense .

He moves his hand to my chin holding it and moving my head up to really look at him . He slightly smiles " You calm down?" he asks in a deep voice that for some reason has me clenching my legs together.

"Yes sir i'm sorry for crying I just -"

"I know you don't like being patronized infant of people i've learned that throughout the years you've worked for me . Just be glad your well behaved or you'd really hate me " he says with what sounds like a small chuckle.

" why would I hate you?" I question as I step slightly closer.

"i'm not one to tolerate people misbehaving or defying me . You should know that by now" he answers in a more gravelly voice that has me clenching around nothing .

" right well umm should we go back in " I say in a wavering voice but clear my throat to try and play it off.

He smirks at me but nods his head .

He leads me back to the conference room with a hand on my lower back .

Im moving to open the door but stop when he start whispering to me.

" make it look like I corrected you okay " he whispers before opening the door .

I walk in as I distort my face to make it look as though I am upset and I move quickly to my seat and choose not to even look up at anyone .

I grab my computer and get to typing as matt starts back on the presentation and the clients make their comments and requests .

After about an hour the meeting comes to and end and they decide to go with us for their campaign.

" Me and my wife would like for you to come down to our vineyard in say 4 weeks and shoot promo videos and get photos for the videography does that time frame work for you Mr. Sturniolo?"

the man who blatantly degraded me asks as matt looks to me.

"y/n is the calendar clear that week?" he asks and I pull up his calendar that I schedule and go over it.

" Yes looks like there is only one meeting that week but its with gloria i'm sure we can reschedule it" I answer as I smile at both of them.

"Amazing well my wife is very excited for this campaign . She can be a bit much but what woman isn't right" he says jokingly to matt .

Matt smiles and nods as he leads him out of the office and to the elevator.

I audibly sigh and roll my eyes at his misogynistic comments , safe to say i'm not exactly thrilled ill have to deal with that man on a normal bases but its worth the money so I guess i'll just have to live with it.

Matt comes back in groaning and running his hands through his hair.

" I really do not like that guy" he says making me laugh.

" Trust me neither do I" I say making him chuckle and shake his head.

" He wants us to stay at his estate but I kindly declined . I told him We have many work calls we take and we wouldn't want to be a disruption " he says with a smirk .

I smile widely nodding my head

" Thank god I wouldn't want to be stuck in a house with that man for a day let alone an entire week" I say making him laugh.

" I'll book the hotel so you won't have to worry about that and we'll take the company jet " he says as he grabs his bag and powers off the projector.

" You sure I don't mind dealing with the hotel bookings" I say as I pack up my things as well.

" Yes I have a favorite hotel i've gone too many time there and I know they will give us amazing rooms and the view is amazing" he says as he walks over to me .

" Oh okay" I say smiling up at him.

His hand goes to my jaw like earlier as he moves his thumb softly back and forth .

I lean into the touch as he looks at me deeply like he's studying my soul.

" You did good today I know you're dealing with calls from that asshole and I appreciate you were powering off your phone " he says as he steps him closer to me .

I sigh as I avert my eyes

" Im sorry for causing our client to think of our company as less then because of my actions though" I say still not looking up at him.

" You did nothing wrong you're always a very good girl he's just an asshole who clearly doesn't respect woman"

I blush as I look up at him . His use of the term "good girl" today has gotten me feeling things I shouldn't.

He looks at me as I look up at him .

" If you ever need anything you call me okay . I know i'm your boss but I want you to consider me a friend too " he says as his hand slides down my neck to my shoulder.

His touch leaves goose bumps in its wake which i'm embarrassed about and I can tell he noticed my body reaction by the smirk that grows across his face.

" Yes sir I just wouldn't want to burden you with my problems you have enough to deal with as it is" I answer honestly .

He shakes his head sighing

" Sweetheart you could never be a burden no matter how hard you tried . You're the first assistant i've had for longer than 4 months which can only mean I like you very much and that is rare" he says making me smile .

" Thank you sir I like this job a lot and I hope to keep it for a very long time" I say as I step slightly closer . Our chest are almost flush against each other , im so close I can feel the heat radiating off of him.

" Trust me i'm not letting you go anytime soon " he says in a deep gravely voice that makes me feel such dirty things a literal whimper escapes me .

My eyes widen as I clear my throat and avert my eyes from his.

He grabs my face and turns it to face him again

" Did you just whimper " he asks with a smirk .

" What n-no I was clearing my throat" I say in a panic .

" Are you lying to me y/n " he asks in a teasing tone that almost has be whimpering again.

" No sir " I answer but avoid eye contact.

" Look me in the eyes and tell me the truth" he says in a demanding tone .

I feel as though i'm shrinking into myself as I look up at him .

" Im not lying to you I promise" I say as convincingly as I can.

" You better hope you're telling the truth" he says in a darker deeper voice that has me gulping .

" A-and why is that" I ask as I try and take a step back but bump into the table behind me.

" I don't like liars . Do know what bad lying little girls get y/n " he asks as he steps even closer and i'm forced to sit on the edge of the table as his body is positioned in-between my legs. If anyone where to walk in right now this would be a very compromising position to be in .

" No sir I-i don't" I say .

His entire demeanor changes his large presence now dark and cold as his hand moves to my neck pulling me closer as I gasp in shock.

"They get punished" he kind of growls more than speaks . My mouth opens but no words come out .

He lets go and steps back and goes back to his normal calm demeanor .

I sit in shock as he grabs his bag and starts walking to the door.

"Goodbye y/n see you Tuesday" he says in a kind of sing song tone that has me scoffing. He obviously finds it funny to leave me wet and speechless.

We've never had a moment like that sure we've had weird moments where a little flirting was involved but nothing like what the fuck that just was.

I hop off and grab my bag before rushing down the hall to the elevator . The second I get into my car I scream .

I don't exactly know why I did but it felt great.

I start up my car and put on my nighttime playlist and pull out of the parking garage and pull onto the bright light city roads.

The second I got home I went through all the messages and voicemails from Zach .

15 missed calls from Zach

37 missed texts

all consisting of " call me back" " Im sorry" " I love you so much please" " Fucking bitch answer me" " God your a cunt this is why I cheated on you" and a lot more .

I hate the fact that after listening to three of his voicemails i'm in full tears curled up on my floor in front of my huge floor to ceiling windows.

Im snapped out of my daze when I hear 5 loud bangs on my door . I jump up as my heart pounds . My apartment is the only one on this floor so its not like whoever it is has the wrong apartment .

I slowly make my way to the door when the bangs happen again this time harder .

"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR Y/N" I hear Zach's voice from the other side .

I panic even more as I slowly go to open the door . The second I turn the lock the door barely open and a fuming Zach marches his way in.

He comes at me so fast I have no time to react . One hand is wrapped tightly around my neck as the other is grasping my hair so tightly I feel like my scalp is on fire.

" You think you're so fucking cute ignoring me huh don't you " he practically spits in my face.

" You-- cheated on me a-and broke up with me w-why are you mad" I choke on as I gasp for in in his tight hold.

" Don't you dare fucking speak to me like that . I said I was sorry but you just want to be a spoiled fucking bitch and ignore my calls" he bites out as his grip on my hair tightens and I scream out in pain.

" You think you are so perfect don't you good fucking too shoes but your just a pathetic little bitch who's unlovable " he shouts in my face as tears start to steam down my face and I cough as I try and pry his hand from my throat.

" I tried to love you I did but you are just so insufferable to be around you know that god your always so pleasant you never do anything bad you're fucking boring all you do is work and come home and sit around doing nothing like a pathetic little loser " He spits as he shoves me into the wall making me yelp.

His hand connects to my face as his fist hits my eye .

He has never acted like this before let alone hit me .

He immediately lets go and steps away also in shock of what he just did .

" I c-cant believe you actually j-just p-punch-ed m-ee" I say in a gasping panicked voiced.

"I-im sorry y/n I ... I didn't mean to I " he says as he steps further away with fear across his face.

"GET OUT GETH THE FUCK OUT " I scream as I fall to the floor and cry .

he runs out closing the door on his way.

My head is pounding my eyes isn't opening correctly and I haven't gotten off the floor in 2 hours.

My phone starts ringing making me jump but I turn it over to see "Matt Sturniolo(boss)" calling .

I don't answer because of the state i'm in and the last thing I want is my boss knowing wtf just happened .

I get a text

" y/f/m/l/n you better answer your phone this is very important" it reads. Judging by the fact he literally just used my full name I know I have to choice to answer his second call to me.

*phone call*

"H-hello" I say as I sniffle and try to make it sound like i'm not crying and my voice isn't stringed.

" Hey I know its late but the clients from today actually want us to come down Tommorrow and stay until the following Sunday and I already cancelled all the appointments this week that were a conflict so I need you up and ready at 10 am Tommorrow I will pick you up at 10 and well head to the airport" he rambles . I panic not knowing what to do I cant say i'm sick because he'll know thats a lie .

I stay silent as I continue sniffling trying to mask my situation .

" y/n are you there ? " he asks in a slightly worried tone.

"Y-yes its just that ... I can't leave Tommorrow " I say as my voice breaks with the last word.

" What why you obviously don't work Tommorrow so what is wrong?" he asks in more of an interrogational tone .

" I j-just cant okay " I bite back as tears start to stream down my face again.

" Y/n what's wrong are you crying " he asks his tone now soft.

"n-no " I try and say without giving away that i'm lying but obviously fail.

" I can hear you sniffling and your voice is choked up tell me what's wrong" he says in a sweet voice .

I sigh loudly " Zach came by earlier and he ..." I stop myself from finishing my sentence not wanting to tell my boss about the embarrassing events .

" He what y/n" his voice sounding slightly angry now.

" He yelled at me and said really hurtful things and then he ... he punched me " I answer in a squeaky raspy tone.

" HE HIT YOU" matt yells from the other side of the phone

"Y-yes" I say as more tears stream down my face .

"Thats it I'm coming to you is your door unlocked " he ask as I hear keys rattle in the background.

"Wait what n-no don't come here" I say in a panic . I do not want him seeing me like this its for one embarrassing and two he's my boss he shouldn't be coming to my apartment .

" Don't tell me no i'll be down there in 5 minutes that door better be unlocked"

I go to protest but the line goes dead.

As much as I love my apartment it doesn't help that Matt lives in the penthouse at the top floor of the building meaning he has easy access to come and see me if he really wants to hence why hell be down in 5 minutes .

I sit on my floor as I try and at least stop the crying before he gets here.

As i'm sitting calming myself my door opens and in walks matt.

I turn away from the door so he doesn't see my face.

" y/n where are y- why are you on the floor?" his voice rings as steps approach me .

I shrugged but burry my face in my arms .

I feel him sit next to me as his scent fills my nose . I sigh but still don't bring my head up .

" y/n look at me" he says in a soft sweet tone.

"No " I say as I shake my head .

"Y/n please you're safe with me you know that i'm not going to judge you" he says as his large hand soothe up and down on my back .

Im so embarrassed that at my grown age I'm crying infant of my fucking boos.

I lift my head and look at him as a look of anger and pain washes over his face.

" sweetheart" he whispers as he immediately pulls me into his chest cradling me . I feel as though i'm a little girl girl again being rocked back to sleep after a nightmare . I being sobbing in his arms as I choke out all the horrible things Zach called me and said to me.

" You are non of those things. Don't think for a second that what he says is true , You're are amazing , sweet, hard working and strong . He is a crazy ass motherfucker who didn't deserve you in the first place" he says as he rocks me slightly .

I for some reason feel inclined to crawl into his lap and bury my face in his chest . I know this entire situation should not be happening right now but I cant stop myself from doing it.

The thing is he lets me he pulls me closer as he smooths my hair and holds me to his chest tightly .

After god knows how long i've stopped crying and my breathing has become somewhat controlled.

I unbury my head from his chest and look up at him .

He smiles weakly

" My sweet girl" he says as his hand gently runs across my face wiping some tears away . I wince when his hand grazes my eye area.

" where are your pain meds ?" he asks as he runs his hand through my tossed hair .

" My bedside table" I answer in a whispered and exhausted tone.

" Alright come on lets get you upstairs " he says as he picks me up off his lap setting me on the ground and standing up then extending his hand to me , I take it as he pulls me up then follows me up the stairs to where my room is .

he tells me to get into bed as he runs down to the kitchen getting me water and rushing back up .

" which table right or left?" he asks .

I try and remember which one but cant so I just shrugged and answered that I couldn't remember so he goes to the rightsize on first .

He opens it and his mouth pops open as he looks at me .

"w-what are they in there " I ask in confusion as to why he looks shocked .

he just stares as me and slowly shakes his head .

It dawns on me after a couple seconds that that is the one I keep my "personal items in" . My body flys up in bed as I rush to close the drawer .

" Im so sorry I forgot about keeping those in that one I ... god thats so embarrassing.

" I never thought of you as the type to own things like that" he says with a laugh making me groan and hide my face in a pillow.

"Im only messing around with you , i'm not uncomfortable about seeing that its normal" he says as he walks to the other table finding the Advil and pouring out two in his hand .

" Take these to her with the swelling before it gets worse" he says as he walks over to me .

" were seriously just going to breeze over the fact that you ... my boss just say my ... "

" toys yes now take these" he says shoving his hand in my face . I sigh as I take them out of his hand and toe them into my mouth then take the water he had in his hand and swallow them down.

" Now i'm going to help you pack . Where are your suitcases " he says as he start walking around my room searching .

" You're actually joking right there is no way I can go looking like this" I say in a bratty tone . I didn't mean to use that tone its just the way it came out.

" First of all watch your tone but yes you're still coming and it will get better in a day or two and we don't have to start the campaign shooting until Tuesday so we can just stay in until then or when we go out you can just wear sunglasses. Now suitcases where are they?"

I groan but point to the door "hallway closet " I say as I yawn .

He nods and walks to the door opening it and coming back 5 seconds later with two suitcases in hand.

" Okay what do want to pack first pants, shirt ...? " he ask as he sets them out on the couch I have on the wall opposite my bed.

"Well I usually pack pants first "

" Okay where are your pants" he asks looking at me .

" Bottom three rows in the closet" I answer

" Any specific ones you want ?" he asks

" You know what how about you pick 4 pairs and i'll say yes or no " I say as I getting extra comfy in bed .

" Yes ma'am " he says jokingly as he makes his way to my large walk in closet.

He comes out 2 minutes later with 4 pairs in hand.

He holds up the first pair , I nod and he smiles " I really like these ones" he says as he happily packs them in my bag.

Second pair - I happily nod and he packs them.

Third pair - I dead pan as he laughs actually laughs . " You've gotta be kidding those were all the way at the back " I say as I give him a look. " why do you even own these " "They were part of a halloween costume like 2 years ago" he just shakes his head and sets them aside .

Fourth pair - " Matt this is a business trip" I say as a I shake my head no . " I know that sweetheart but we don't have to be in business attire the whole time" " I guess your right okay yes pack those"

"Okay next skirts pick 3 they are hung on the left side along with the dresses pick tow of those" I instruct him as I try and stay awake .

He comes back out with a big smile which i'm finding slightly unsettling given ive never seen him so cheerful before

dress one - " absolutely not"I say. He sighs and sets it aside

Dress two - I smile and nod yes . He neatly packs it

Skirt one - immediate yes

Skirt two - Yes

After 45 more minutes i'm fully packed except for underwear and socks.

"Okay last things are undergarments " he says as he looks at me waiting for to tell him where they are.

" Don't worry about those ill pack those in the morning " I say as I wave him off.

" I have a feeling if I let you do that you'll forget " he says as he tilts his head . I hate to admit but he probably right.

" fine okay top shelf of the drawers on the right wall" I say as my face flushes red. My boss definitely should not be handling my underwear and bras but at this point i'm to tired to care.

"wow these are organized so nicely" I hear him say from inside my closet.

Their's silence for a second before he comes out with a handful of my sets with a smirk on his face.

He sets them on top as well as socks .

"Okay done now shoes " I tell him where the shoes are and he picks all good options so that was easy.

He packs up my makeup and skincare bag putting them in the suitcase with the shoes .

" Okay fully packed and ready to go" he says as he pushes both cases by the door .

"Thank you Sir you really didn't have to do all of this" I say sincerely

" First of all as much as I love you calling me sir when we are outside the office call me matt you calling me sir makes me feel fucking old" he says with a smile.

I choke on air at his beginning comment with makes him chuckle.

" Im grateful I have you as a boss matt"

" Im great full to have you as my assistant y/n "

We both share smiles before he turns on my ceiling fan and comes and sits on the edge of my bed.

" I want you to know I genuinely do care about you y/n not just because you are my assistant but because your all around a great girl " he says as his pulls his hand on my comforter covered leg giving it small shake.

" Thank you matt really I couldn't ask for a better boss" I smile at him with half open eyes.

" I'll let you get some rest and ill take your extra key so you can sleep as long as you can and ill just come down and grab your bags and make sure your up and awake by 10" he says as he pats my leg and stands up.

" You sure I don't mind setting and alarm " I ask .

" Im sure now get some sleep and ill see you in the morning "

"Okay well see you in the morning and thank you again really "

" Of course . Good night y/n "

" Good night matt"

God what the fuck just happened ...

[fuckkbrunch]

I thought this would be quick...

Please ignore my blurry headers, I swear I'm working on it.

So this is a two in one, since you need to make the sauce recipe from the back of the book as well. I hadn't banked on it still being 40°C outside, and as you may recall, my kitchen has no windows.

Luckily Tony says this sauce should take no more than 45 minutes, and ideally much less. The meatballs however, took quite some time.

I think this is entirely too much onion for meatballs, but maybe that's just me. I used some Sicilian oregano that I bought a few months back for my tiny, apartment style herb garden. Most of the herbs have died, but the oregano is still doing okay.

A pound each of ground veal, beef, and pork. Panko and eggs. Nothing fancy - oh, except my fancy garlic...

Look at these big honkin' cloves! Not shallots, garlic. I really got a deal at the farmers market last week. The guy wasn't lying when he said it's strong. Cook up the minced veg and herbs for a few minutes and cool them before mixing into the meat.

The formed meatballs chill for 15-60 minutes. I left them longer (2.5 hours) because I somehow threw my back out a little, and needed to take a time out. It kinda works out, since my fridge is working overtime in this crazy fucking 3 week heatwave.

Then, the sauce.

Of course, the week I need a bunch of Roma tomatoes, Costco is all out. Had to buy some depressing ones from the cheap grocery store. I let them sit at room temp for a few days so they could ripen as much as possible. Dunno if it helped, the skin was really hard to get off even after blanching and an ice bath.

Onward and upward. I splurged a little and got myself a case of San Marzano whole tomatoes. I think they helped make up for the sad Romas.

When the sauce is mostly ready, preheat your oven to 400° so that your apartment can get even more disgusting and unbearable. Now stick your head over an oily cast iron for a half hour and sear 27 meatballs on all sides.

The onions stuck to the pan and over cooked, so I had to clean the pan between batches. Not ideal.

Blitz your sauce with an immersion blender, then stir in 2 chunks of butter. Rip up your basil, stir, season and you're done.

I realized my roaster was too big for this many meatballs to sit deep enough in the wine and sauce mixture, if you can believe it. So I used the braising pan that I made the sauce in, and the cast iron that I seared the meatballs in. Both work just like a braising pan.

Don't believe the people who say you can't cook tomatoes in cast iron, they don't know shit.

Pour almost equal parts wine and pomodoro (a little more wine than sauce) around the meatballs and bake for 20 minutes. Yes, I was drinking white wine (with ice) from a whiskey glass while finishing this up. My entire being is just sweat and back pain at this point, I'm not fucking around anymore. We're in the homestretch.

Really good, fresh mozza, and some of that good parm I bought back in the winter. That wedge is probably going to last me the whole book.

His recipe says to put the bottom of the bun underneath the meatballs while they broil, but I'm not partial to burnt, soggy bread, and I hate when the top and bottom bun are fully separated. You need that back connection to hold the meatballs in! So I just broiled the balls with the cheese on top (my broiler fixed itself...?), and plopped them into the buns once the cheese looked nice. Add a bit of the reserved pomodoro to the bun.

Sure ain't beautiful, and it's hefty, but she's fuckin' tasty. Got a tiny bit soggy towards the end, but nothing fell or dripped onto my plate. Very clean meatball sub.

| Meatball Parm Hero & Pomodoro |

Taste is a 4 out of 5. The meatballs were pretty juicy, even though I hit a higher temp than Tony called for.

Difficulty is a 4 out of 5. The back pain may be clouding my judgment, but this is a lot for one day. Make your pomodoro in advance.

Time was hard to say. Without my extended break, I think this would have taken about 4 hours.

Tony calls for footlong semolina hero rolls with sesame seeds on them, split in half to serve two people each. The closest I could muster was 6 inch Italian style sausage buns with semolina. They got the job done pretty well, so I'm calling it. This recipe feeds at least 8 people.

[annachronisme]

Wip Wednesday

The King is dead, Long live the King

Living in a trailer was something he was not used to quite yet but loved nonetheless. He had spent almost twenty years living in Loch Nora in a house too big for him alone so moving out had been quite the experience, despite the circumstances. 

Unlocking the door, he could hear the happy screeches coming from inside and the sound of feet running clumsily toward the door. He opened the door and kneeled down to catch the little bullets coming at him. 

"Hi baby." he said around the mouthful of dark curly hair. Arthur's hair was becoming longer and messier day after day. He still remembered the day he got him in his arms; all tiny and soft in his little onesie, looking all adorable with his cute tuft of black hairs. He had grown quite a bit since then. 

Arthur was trying to climb on him like he was a jungle gym, clingy little shit that he was. He got up, Arthur still in his arms and went to his room to put his bag down.

"Someone sneaked into my bedroom, again." he said looking at his messy bed, cover thrown around. Arthur ignored him, busy playing with his hair. He should think about cutting that too.  

Max was conked out on the sofa, probably took a nap with Arty. He mustn't have been awake long then. Fuck, he's not going to go back to sleep in hours. 

Putting the toddler down near his toy box, he went into  the kitchen to start dinner. He thought about what he could make -for himself, arty and Max- he opted for some mac'n'cheese, easy and quick; perfect for a toddler. He didn't like the premade stuff though he kept boxes of the stuff around because the kids did like it and Arty did too.It was almost done when Max came stumbling in the kitchen half asleep with Arty up in her arms. He's going to become one clingy toddler with all the holding people are doing. 

"Hey kid. You can put him in his highchair, take your plate and it's almost ready."

"Thanks" she mumbled as she sat down. He sat down once he served everyone. He asked how babysitting Arthur went. 

"Went fine. Having a hard time putting him to sleep, he gave up around an hour or so ago. Did you find someone?"

He sighed. Everything had been wonderful, he was happy -happier than he had been in years- but it didn't mean it was easy. Hadn't been then and still isn't now. The problem right now was that he needed a babysitter. Feels like a joke, the babysitter needing a babysitter. The kids were starting school in a few days, Robin and he were sharing most of their shifts now and she would start school soon too. He was running out of options, apart from taking Arthur with him to Family Video but he wasn't sure Keith would appreciate that.

"I'll find something. Don't worry." he tried to reassure her. He knew he wasn't fooling anyone but he was the adult here. She didn't need to know that he was struggling to find someone to watch over Arthur, someone that he could trust. 

They finished eating without bringing the subject back on the table. Arthur made a mess -for a change- he wiped his hands and face quickly before pulling him out of the highchair and sitting him down on the floor. He put the plates in the sink to watch later. He put on his coat and put one on Arthur. 

He walked Max back to her trailer. She told them goodnight, made some faces to Arthur making him giggle before she went in. He turned around ready to go home himself and spent another sleepless night when he saw someone else outside. He jumped, hugging the toddlers closer to his chest. He sighed in relief when he recognized his neighbor. Wayne if he remembers right. 

"Hello sir." he said as he walked closer to the older man. 

"Just Wayne's fine, kid." the other man snorted. "Ya out late. And who's that?"

Sometimes he forgot that he had Arthur for less than a few months. 

"Yeah I had a closing shift today. And this Arthur, say hi Arthur !" Arthur had started to imitate people, it started with winking which he couldn't do so he just blinked really hard and then he started to wave hi and goodbye when asked him to. Arthur lifted his head to wave at Wayne (in the wrong direction of course) making the other man chuckle and wave as well. "I was just walking Max back home, she was babysitting for me." 

"Heard ya had trouble finding one too."

He grimaced. He knew exactly where he heard that but he had to give it to him for not ratting them out. 

"The kids' are helping but school is starting really soon, yeah. Bit of a deadend on this part." 

"If ya need one, ya know where I am." 

"What? No, I couldn't bother you with that, you already work night shift I can't-"

"I'm offering, kid. I already have enough noise with my nephew, I'm sure this little guy can't beat that."

"I'll think about it. But, thank you Wayne. That's really nice." he didn't want to outright refuse, it wouldn't be polite but he still felt uneasy about using Wayne's like that.

"Don't worry about it.If ya need anything, me and my nephew are happy to help." 

He smiled, waving goodbye. Once home he set Arthur back down, letting crawl around. 

He swore to himself that night that he would not bother Wayne with his shit. He will find something eventually, he always does.

-------

A week or so later he was knocking on Wayne's door to ask for help except that it was not Wayne who answered the door, it was Wayne's nephew. 

And then he realized that his neighbor with whom he was talking and the nephew said neighbor had was Eddie Munson. 

Fuck. 

Arthur is an OC child, he's around 1yo and he's Steve half brother. For the background story : Steve's Dad cheating wasn't new to anyone but at least he was careful until he wasn't. First they wanted to just give Arthur to Steve to take care off. Away from the eyes, away from the heart or some bullshit like that but without saying too much that didn't work out like he wanted. Arthur is very similar to Steve physically speaking beside the hair. He could pass as Steve's son better than Steve's brother. I've been sitting on this idea for weeks and now that i'm back in the game (unfortunate since its exams weeks now) I will try to work on chapter three of Ghost on Film.

[dreamblasterharuka]

In Our Bedroom After the War

For @mt10lt20 with the prompt

Ello got an idea! But no pressure at all and feel free to ignore (cos life happens!) would really like to see your AU take on a Cipher, Pixy, Trigger as a fam. No specific characterizations from me. Your take!

Pixy and Merlin need to catch an early morning flight.

So it was mostly Pixy and Trigger, because I haven’t done anything with those two yet. I hope you enjoy! Title comes from In Our Bedroom After the War by Stars

Also on AO3

It felt like every time Pixy thought he got over his hubris, he was proved horribly, horribly wrong. Granted, he wasn’t dying this time, or doing his best to set the world on fire, but it certainly felt like it.

He blearily watched as the digital clock flickered to 3:31 a.m., hand still on the snooze button. Back when he was a young man, early morning flights and sleep deprivation were par for the course. Just get on the plane and pass out until arrival. Half of the time, he was up until an hour or two before he had to leave enjoying the local nightlife. After retiring from the skies, he still got up early by virtue of never having the luxury of sleeping in. An early flight should have been fine.

This was not fine. Pixy wasn’t a young man anymore. He was a civilian with a spouse and a kid, who worked normal, human hours. It really didn’t help that he rarely slept well without Cipher, and his buddy was on the other side of the continent for a contract. They were well out of harm’s way, but it didn’t ease any of his anxieties that something horrible would happen to them before they got home. When he got the opportunity to see them, he got over-excited and booked the first flight out.

3:32. As tired as he was, time was still moving forward, and he only had some much time to make it through airport security. He forced himself out of bed, and into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He trudged down the hallway, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, to his daughter’s room. As expected, Merlin was still fast asleep, clutching her doggy.

The little stuffed animal was an impulse buy. Pixy saw the dog…wolf (it was orange, so it might’ve been a fox, but he personally thought it looked like a dog) and had to get it. Cipher gave him a lot of shit about the great Solo Wing Pixy, infamous mercenary, being forced to buy stuffed animals, but it was Merlin’s favorite and she carried it everywhere. So there.

“Merlin. It’s time to get up kiddo.”

She groaned, and honestly, he agreed.

“C’mon. We’re gonna go see Cipher.”

She shot right up, rubbing her eyes. “M’kay.”

“Do you need help getting dressed?”

She shook her head.

“Alright, I’m gonna go make breakfast now.”

“Okay.”

It was way too early, but the routine was mostly the same. Get the coffee machine working, only one cup this time, and only two slices of bread in the toaster. On other days, he would try to make something healthier, but this would have to do for now.

Merlin stumbled into the kitchen, fully dressed, and tugged on his pant leg. He scooped her up, sat her down at the edge of the sink, and poured her a glass of milk. When the toast was ready, he spread strawberry jam on both and passed one to her. They ate their breakfast in silence over the sink, way too tired to make any conversation. Cipher hated when he ate over the sink like this, but they weren’t there and Merlin was a good secret keeper. After finishing his off, he washed his hands and nearly poured water straight onto Merlin in a father of the year move, before helping her down.

Loading the car was easy. He still packed light, so it was easy to pack all of their stuff in one large duffel bag. Merlin was old enough to get herself situated, but she hadn’t gotten seatbelts down quite yet. They were still working on it, but it wasn't hard to help her. 

The streets were still night dark when they set out. It would be at least an hour before light would even begin to peak over the horizon. He kept an ear on the radio for any traffic updates, but he was pretty sure they’d make there before the morning rush got too bad. Aside from that, it was just boring local news. He tried to comment on them when he could think of something to say, since he read somewhere that it was good for childrens’ development, but she never responded. Hopefully she was listening, and he wasn’t just talking to the air. 

They made it to the airport several hours before they needed to be on the plane. Security was always hit or miss. Volunteering his services in the war and other shady backroom deals covered up most of his records, but sometimes people still remembered him from the documentary. At best, it was an incredibly awkward meeting with security. The extra time was for nothing, and they made it through fairly quick. 

Merlin wanted to walk all the way to the terminal on her own. Unfortunately, their terminal was halfway across the airport, which was just a little too much for the toddler, so he carried her most of the way. He did let her down for the conveyor belt hallways to race. Pixy only let her win half of the time, just to keep things exciting.

It was enough to tucker her out a little, and she seemed content to sit on his lap and point at different planes in her picture book. Every so often he was reminded how calm she was for her age. It had to have come from Cipher, because it sure as hell didn’t come from him. Most of his first memories were of causing problems and getting into trouble. 

The wait felt like an eternity. By the time the boarding call finally came around, they were both half-asleep. But the second other passengers started lining up, Merlin immediately perked up. As he carried her onto the plane, she kept bouncing up and down in his arms.

She clambered over to the window the moment he let her down at their seats. He was pretty sure she would smoosh her face into it if he let her. He had to tell her three times to sit down so he could buckle her. Even then, she leaned up as far as she could go, eyes sparkly.

To an outsider, she just looked like an excitable little kid flying for the first time, but Pixy knew better. He knew that look. He had seen it in the face of every pilot worth their salt. He saw it in Cipher. He used to see it in himself, but he knew that light dimmed well before the end. 

Cipher told him not to worry, but he couldn’t help the dread that pooled in his stomach. Flying was his passion, what he lived for, but it was entwined with pain and violence. For each good memory, there was a devastating loss. Every victory came with someone’s death, soldier or civilian. The world was constantly at the brink of war, and he didn’t have the faith in humanity to think that would change. He didn’t want that for her.

His stomach swooped as they finally lifted off the ground. Lingering anxiety from when he was shot down still clung to him like smoke, no matter how many times he’d done this by now.

“Daddy! Daddy! Look!”

Merlin grabbed his shoulder and shook as hard as she could, which wasn’t very hard. She pointed to the ground, which was rapidly getting farther and farther away. They watched as people, then vehicles, then buildings all shrunk down and began to disappear. After a little bit of turbulence, they breached through the clouds into the clear sky above.

It all seemed so inconsequential from all the way up here. And maybe it was. Maybe he could afford to finally relax and let the chips fall where they may. 

Pixy settled in and watched his daughter watch the clouds. They still had plenty of time.

[thevelria]

Emerald (ErenxReader) Chapter 1 -First day

It's a chaotic romance between you and Eren. You got a new job in an office, where most of the AOT characters are your coworkers. And Levi is your boss… It's a story about struggling in the world of being adults. Because man…sometimes it sucks to be one.

Contains swearing, drinking alcohol, using drugs and a lot of lemon etc Warnings are at the beginning of a chapter.

Enjoy~

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's note: 22.000+ characters

It's a long ass chapter to start with, contains swearing, drinking alcohol etc. Enjoy~

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The alarm on your nightstand was screaming mercilessly. Your eyes slowly opened as you tried to reach and to make it shut the hell up.

-5 more minutes -you growled with half opened eyelids.

But you knew you had to get up right now, because if you gave in and pressed the snooze you would have been sleeping late til the afternoon.

-I hate being an adult -you whined, grabbing the device and finally turning the alarm off. You yawned, pressing the back of your hand against your tired eyes, slowly sitting up and turning to the edge of the bed. You tapped the floor carefully with your right foot, after with the left one. You did this on purpose, it was the ritual you made every single morning before starting your day. First right, then left foot...if you missed it and somehow forgot it, you knew your whole day was going to be fucked up. This is one of the many clicks you had, but you didn't mind it at all.

-I already hate this job -you hummed in the bathroom, getting ready for your first day at the office.

You've been working for years for a company you hated from the bottom of your heart, but you had the best colleagues ever, so you stayed. But last month you had enough, the last drop in your already almost full cup and you rushed to your boss' office "Fuck this shit and mostly fuck you! -you screamed into her face- I quit! -you walked out, slamming the door behind you"

Even if you felt relieved you already knew you would have needed to find something else, since no one was paying for your bills, for your flat, for your life, but you.

-Is it late to find a sugar daddy? -you wondered, while putting on some makeup.

In 30 minutes you were ready to leave, grabbed the car key and took a deep breath before leaving. Traffic was horrible in the morning in the city and even if you knew you got pissed every single time.

-I can't fucking believe I'm going to be late on my first day -you slammed your head against the driving wheel, nervously tapping your nails on it, waiting at a red light. A loud honk made you jump.

-What the fuck are you waiting for? GO! -someone yelled from the car behind you. You pulled a face and as a diva you reached your hand out of the window, flipping the bird, while moving the car.

-Fucking moron -you hummed under your nose- How much I hate people, damn it -you kept cursing.

You were kinda antisocial, okay we can say you were way too antisocial. Friends? Only a few, but you didn't mind it at all. Boyfriend or even a husband? Nah...don't be ridiculous. Even if your parents nagged you all the time you felt fine just the way you were.

As you pulled out at the parking lot, you looked in the mirror one more time.

-Let's get this shit done -you sighed, finally stepping out of the car.

***

After you finished at the HR you headed to the 3rd floor as you were told. Tapping your foot nervously in the elevator, waiting for the loud ding sound.

-Okay, what did she say? -you frowned your brows- Which door...ahh why the heck can't I pay attention just for once -you rolled your eyes.

You were standing in the corridor trying to figure out where to go, when one of the doors shot open and a dark cherry red haired girl walked out with an apple in her hand.

-Hey! -she greeted you with a huge smile on her face- First day?

-Hello, uhm yeah -you cracked a half smile awkwardly.

-Show me your paper, I can help you -she stepped next to you, checking your documents already -Oh! You are our new girl -she laughed cheerfully. -Come with me I'll guide you to your table.

-Thank you -you nodded.

-By the way I'm Sasha -she held out her hand for a shake.

-I'm Y/N -you said, accepting the offer.

-You will LOVE it here -she sounded way too excited- I'm going to show you around, okay? Just give me a second I need to pee first -she giggled- This is your table. Sit down and wait for me, okay? I'll be quick -she ran away.

-Wow...that was intense -your eyes widened, processing the energy of Sasha- I could never be this happy in the morning -you smiled under your nose.

-Good morning -you heard a low voice from behind your back.

-Good morning -you turned around, facing a muscled, blonde man in front of you.

-First day? -he smirked.

-Yep! -you nodded.

-I'm Reiner -he stepped closer, holding his hand out.

-Nice to meet you, Reiner. I'm Y/N.

-You will love it here.

-You are the second person telling me this...it's a bit suspicious -you laughed.

-I could say RUN, but I don't want to scare you away immediately -he chuckled.

-Oh, Reiner -Sasha tapped him on the back- I hope you didn't scare her away.

-Nah, it's not that easy to make me run -you smirked.

-Great! -she laughed out loud- Come! I'm going to show you around and let you meet everyone. The boss is not in yet, though. You can meet him later -she grabbed your arm, pulling you next to her.

Sasha and you were walking around in the office. It looked as friendly as an office can be. Beige painted walls with some dark gray, some posters with motivational phrases hanging lazily everywhere. There were several tables, like 10 or even more, you couldn't count it, because Sasha was literally rushing through the whole room. They looked somehow cozy, flower pots, pictures in frames and daily stuff laying on them, showing someone is definitely living their lives at them.

-Okay, this is Connie, he's responsible for selling the international transports-she pointed at a guy, who was already wearing his air pods, tapping the rhythm with his leg -CONNIE! -Sasha yelled, making the man jump.

-What the fuck, Sasha! -he growled, taking out one of his air pods- Oh... -he looked surprised when he noticed you.

-Nice to meet you, I'm Connie -he stood up from his chair in an instant.

-I'm Y/N -you smiled at him- Sorry for bothering.

-Nah, I was playing solitaire anyway -he laughed.

-As always -Sasha rolled her eyes.

-Shut up, Sash -he scratched the back of his head.

-Let's go -Sasha grabbed you again.

-This is Jean -she stopped at a table, where a quiet handsome man was sitting. He looked up from his laptop, noticing you -He's doing the inland selling.

-Good morning, you must be the new girl -he eyed you up and down- I'm Jean.

-God, could you behave? -Sasha shook her head.

-What? What did I do? - he looked confused.

-Nothing -you laughed slightly, accepting his hand for a shake- I'm Y/N.

-What a shame, Sasha met you first. I could have shown you around as well -he smirked.

-For fuck's sake -Sasha growled, walking away from his table.

-There are some colleagues, who are on a holiday now. But you will meet them anyway soon -she kept bubbling- I think that's it for now. You will need to see the boss, when he finally gets in. Not that we miss him, though -she giggled.

-Oh, okay -you smiled, when you noticed one more guy in the corner, wearing all black clothes and a lazy man bun. Looking...annoyed?!

-Who's him? -you pointed at him.

-Uhh, that's Jaeger...he's an ass nowadays. He's getting a divorce and is out of control. I think it's wiser if you just ignore his presence for now -she faked a smile.

-Alright -you shrugged your shoulders.

On your way to your desk a short, but really attractive man walked in. The black suit followed his toned body well enough, his raven black hair fitted him perfectly. His jawline could cut the air with ease.

-Good morning everyone! -he raised his voice- I hope you already work at the tasks, or else... -he growled.

You froze in your action, when he made eye contact with you, eyeing you up and down.

-You -he pointed at you- new girl. Office! Now! -he rushed into his separate office in the room.

-Holy shit -your eyes widened. He looked truly terrifying.

Standing in front of his desk, you felt your palm become moisty. You never felt this before, but damn you had some really tough bosses so far. But this man...even looking at him made you shit your pants. He was truly something else.

-I'm Levi -he sat down into his huge ass leather boss chair, opening up his laptop- Why are you still standing? Sit down... -he rolled his eyes in annoyance.

-Uhm, okay -you did as he told you- I'm Y/N L/N -you offered your hand for a shake, but meeting his disgusted look, you pulled back your hand in an instant.

-I know -he hummed- I heard you have experience in the logistic area.

-Yes, sir. I've been working for a similar company for years.

-Good -he was staring at the laptop's screen- Choose someone out there and they will show you the things we do in here. But I want you to be able to work alone at the end of the week, got it? I only need people who learn fast and work well.

-Yes, sir -you nodded.

-That's all -he waved. But as you sat still he took a deep, annoyed breath- GO! -he rolled his eyes.

-You okay? -Sasha rushed to your desk the second you sat down.

-You could have said he's a freaking Stalin -you growled- Fuck, that guy is terrifying.

-I know right...just wait when he finds something to blame us. His shout can still freak me out, even if I work here for 3 years now -she laughed out loud- So who do you choose?

-How do you know... -you asked, but then you realized you were not the first new person here- Uhm would you mind?

-Oh I would LOVE to show you the things we do here. Come to my desk, bring a notebook and a pencil, so you can take some notes. And some snacks, we will definitely need them -she said strictly.

After hours of trying to get into the system, seeing the programs, listening to Sasha and taking notes, you felt you needed a break.

-Can we take a quick break? I need a coffee.

-Sure, I'll show you the kitchen -she jumped up, rushing through the room.

-How can she have this freaking much energy -you kept wondering, following her.

-Okay, mugs are here -she opened a cabinet- Coffee machine...Y/N, Y/N...coffee machine -she pointed at the device then back at you. -This little guy -she tapped the top of it- will be your best friend -she giggled- Just make your coffee as you wish, milk in the fridge over there. I'll be right back, but I need to use the restroom -she disappeared.

You took a deep breath, trying to cope with the situation. Opening the cabinet and grabbing the first mug you reached. The smell of the hot, fresh coffee made you drool. After adding some milk and sugar to it, you were standing, circling the coffee with the spoon, zoning out a tiny bit.

-That's my mug -you heard a low, annoyed voice, which snapped you back to reality.

-Sorry, what? -you asked confused.

-I said it is my mug -he hissed at you, pointing at the black cup in your hand.

-Oh my God -you blushed in embarrassment- I didn't know, Sasha said...

-Yeah, I don't care -he cut you mid sentence- Next time use your own fucking mug- he pulled a face, searching for a mug for himself in the cabinet.

-Sorry -you felt uncomfortable- I'm Y/N by the way -you smiled at him, trying to be nice.

-So what? -he shrugged.

-Okay... -you rolled your eyes- It was really nice to meet you, Jaeger -you walked past him out of the kitchen.

-Wait! How do you know my name? -he asked, but you headed back to Sasha's desk without a word.

-What a fucking moron -you thought to yourself.

-You okay? -Sasha stood in front of you- You didn't wait for me.

-Sorry. I had some mug crisis in the kitchen -you faked a smile.

-Fuck... -she looked at the cup in your hand- It's my bad, I forgot to tell you not to use that it's Jaeger's one.

-Yeah, he made it clear too -you took a sip of the coffee.

-I truly am sorry, I'm sure he was a dickhead.

-Yup -you laughed- But don't worry I worked with way worse people. I can handle him with ease. So where were we -you asked, looking back at her monitor's screen.

The rest of the day rushed away and you realized it's already 16:30. Everyone was shutting down their laptops, getting ready to head out.

-We will get a drink at the bar, wanna join? -Sasha asked you, packing her stuff.

-Oh, I don't know -you stood up.

-C'mon girl...it's a team building -she winked at you.

-Fine, one drink -you nodded.

-Yo, Jaeger! -you heard Reiner shouting across the room- Monday beer session?

-Yup! -he stretched his hands out wide, yawning big.

-Connie, Jean? -Reiner yelled in the other direction too.

-Sure thing! -Connie grabbed his jacket.

-Of course! -Jean nodded.

As you were packing your stuff at your desk, Jean stopped, smiling at you.

-I hope you come too.

-Yeah, sure -you took a quick peak at him, then back at your things.

-Cool -he smirked.

Sasha tried to fill you with the information about this Monday drinking tradition. Every Monday they choose a different bar to drink at. Mostly something nearby and with catering.

-It must have a kitchen -she said strictly- Otherwise I'm not going. No food, no Sasha -she chuckled.

-Can you give me the address, where I should meet you guys? -you asked, taking your phone from your pocket.

-We go with one car -she chirped- We play rock, paper, scissors and the loser is the driver.

-Oh, I see...makes sense though. Actually I can be the driver, I don't really feel like drinking any alcohol today -you shrugged.

-Really? -she looked suspicious.

-Yup.

-Fuck, that's awesome! Guys! -she yelled- Y/N's gonna be the driver today!

-We didn't even play yet -Connie looked confused, walking up to you two.

-No need -you smiled- I don't wanna drink tonight. You guys can have fun.

-I like you! -Connie tapped you on the shoulder.

-Thanks -you laughed.

Standing outside in the parking lot you realized your car wouldn't be big enough for all of you. But after Sasha threw you the key of one of the company's transporters you felt relieved. It would have been way too awkward to leave out somebody...actually no, you would have loved to leave Jaeger here.

-Y/N -Jean stepped next to you- Did Sash tell you, you will need to drive us home?

-Sorry, what? -you looked surprised.

-Since we all leave our cars here...

-Ohh -you imaginary facepalmed yourself for offering to be the driver- And tomorrow? How will you get to work?

-Nah, we just catch a cab, no big deal -he shrugged.

***

The bar looked pretty familiar, you were sure you've been here before. The room was separated by boxes with huge tables and leather covered, U shaped club chairs. The light was rather dark, like a place for a Friday night party, definitely not for a few drinks to have. But all in all you liked it.

-First round on me -Jean took off his jacket, walking up to the counter- Y/N -he turned back- what do you want to drink?

-I have no idea -you chuckled- I better go there with you to check.

-Sure -he winked at you- Come, sweetheart.

You rolled your eyes, smiling but followed him anyway. It took you like a minute to decide.

-I'll take a tonic, please -you said to the bartender.

-Eww -Jean pulled a face- You could not pay me enough to drink that shit -he laughed.

-I like it -you shrugged.

After you got your tonic, you helped Jean to take the 5 glasses of beer to your table. Actually you brought your drink and one beer, the rest were in Jean's hands.

-So -he put the glasses down- Who wants to play pool with me? The table here looks quite dope.

-Coming -Connie stood up immediately, grabbing one of the glasses.

-Next is me and Reiner! -Sasha jumped up, grabbing one glass and handing another to Reiner- Wanna watch? -she turned to you.

-Nah, I'm okay. I'll sit here a bit then will head after you guys.

-Jaeger, please behave -Sasha turned to him, shooting a dead stare.

He didn't respond, but rolled his eyes, taking the last glass of beer from the table. The air started to feel heavier and heavier because of the awkward silence. Neither him nor you said a single thing to each other, both of you stared at the rest of you, playing and laughing. You already regretted not going with Sasha immediately, but you didn't want to look too desperate, so you stayed.

-I'm sorry -he turned to you after a while.

-Huh? -you looked at him.

-I was an asshole this morning. You didn't know...

-Ohh, okay. Thanks -you faked a smile- It's not going to happen again.Tomorrow I will bring my own mug.

-By the way I'm Eren... -he took a big sip from his beer- But they all call me Jaeger.

-Alright -you nodded, turning back to look at the others.

-I really didn't want to be rude -he sighed.

You felt so awkward, didn't know how to handle the situation. The guy looked so burned out, but it wasn't your problem at all. On the other hand you didn't want to be an ass, he apologized after all.

-Don't worry, really... -you waved- We all have bad days.

-Bad months...years -he cracked a painful smile.

-Sasha told me, you have difficulties, I can understand you -putting down your now empty glass on the table.

-Huh, I doubt that -he hummed, shaking his head slightly- Want one more drink? -he changed the subject.

-Sure. Next one's on me then.

You helped Eren to bring the beers to the others, while they were still playing, now at two tables next to each other.

-You are such a fucking loser, Reiner -Shasha laughed out loud, defeating the blond one for the third time.

-Okay. I want a change -he rolled his eyes.

-Don't be a pussy -she kept teasing him.

-I am not! But...Y/N wanna play with me? -he turned to you.

-Sorry, I don't know how to -you smiled awkwardly.

-I can teach you -Eren said with a bored look on his face- There's a free table over there.

-Jaeger, stop hitting on the new girl -Jean walked up to you- I'm a better teacher than him anyway -he winked at you.

-Fucking hell Jean, I'm just trying to be nice -he hissed annoyed.

-Thanks both of you, but no thanks. I'm a great audience on the other hand -you chuckled.

After hours of playing, chatting and drinking and Sasha eating almost the whole menu you all decided it would be time to head home.

-Sooooo -Connie walked up next to you, throwing his hand around your shoulder- Could you please drop me home first?

-Sure, no big deal.

-No way, Springer! -Sasha yelled- You live the farest from here, you're gonna be the last one.

-Oh, I didn't know -you laughed- Who's gonna be the first then?

-No! -Connie hummed offended- Jaeger is the last one.

Jean, Reiner, Sasha, Connie and finally Eren. You felt freaking tired and didn't even understand why you agreed to do this. It was almost midnight on a Monday night, you knew you were going to be super sleepy and grumpy the next day.

-It's the next corner, left -Eren said as he was the last one in the car. After Connie got out, he decided to take the passenger seat, not make it look like you were his driver or something. But actually you were.

-Alright -you nodded.

As you pulled out in front of the house he told you to, you were drumming on the wheel with your fingers.

-Uhm, Y/N -he turned to you, instead of sliding out.

-Yeah? -you raised one of your eyebrows.

-Could you... -he took a deep breath- could you please take me to a hotel?

-What?

-I just don't want to go in...I'm so fucking tired and she won't leave me alone. -he shook his head, closing his eyes.

-Actually it's fine by me, just decide what you want to do, because I do want to go home and sleep in my bed -you laughed out loud.

-Can you take me to Hotel Shina, please? -he clenched his jaw.

-Sure -you started the car and left without any hesitation.

On the way to the hotel you looked at him from the corner of your eye. He did look exhausted, you kinda felt sorry for him, but since it was the first day you met him, didn't really know how to handle the situation. Should you say something? Ask him about it? Or just drop it.

-Wanna talk about it? -you asked finally.

-Not really, but thanks.

Great, now you looked like an idiot, of course he wouldn't talk about his problem to a complete stranger. Congrats Y/N! You shook your head annoyed and he probably noticed it.

-I don't want to bore you with my problems. That's all -he kept looking out the window.

-I'm just trying to be nice, you know -you shrugged- You don't have to say anything you don't want to -you slowed down the car and was about to pull out in front of the hotel.

-I know -he sighed- Hey -he looked at you- Want a drink? This hotel's bar is awesome -he tried to laugh.

-Uhm, it's late...

-Just one!

-Okay, but just one -you stopped the car, taking out the key.

The hotel looked fancy. Even if you saw it from outside several times before, you have never been inside before. A huge hall with big ass brown rugs on the ground, gold framed pictures hanging on the wall and a lot of people running around, handling everything the customers ask.

-Hello, Mr Jaeger -the receptionist greeted Eren- Your usual room is free, if you fancy.

-Hey, Thomas. Yes it's gonna be perfect.

After he got the room key, he turned and waved you to follow him to the bar.

-You come here often? -you asked.

-Pretty much, yeah.

-Is it that bad at home?

-You have no idea -he laughed with so much bitterness in his voice- Can't wait to finally get free from that psycho bitch.

-Oh... -your eyes widened at his comment.

After you sat down at an empty table he left for the counter for drinks without a word.

-Sorry, I didn't ask you, but I thought you wanted a tonic anyway -he smiled, placing the glass in front of you.

You didn't have the heart to tell him that you were already sick from it. But one more or less it didn't matter anyway.

-Sure, thanks! -you yawned a bit.

-Sorry for not letting you sleep -he pulled out his chair, dropping himself lazily.

-Tomorrow -you looked at your phone- better said today I will be grumpy as fuck. And it's gonna be all your fault -you laughed.

-I can live with that -he giggled- At least I'm not going to be the only asshole in the office.

-If you know you are one why don't you just...you know not being one -you raised your eyebrows.

-Are you a therapist or something?

-Nah, if I would, then you should pay me a lot for listening to you talking -you took a sip from your drink slowly.

-Fair enough -he smiled, shaking his head slightly.

-So, what's your job in there? Sasha didn't want me to meet you in the morning, because she was afraid you were going to be a dick with me. But as we know... -you poked your tongue against your cheek.

-Yeah, yeah I know, I'm sorry -he held his hands up in defense- I'm doing the same as Reiner.

-Actually I have no idea what he's doing -you frowned your brows, realizing Sasha never told you and you didn't even ask.

-Coordinating the transports, all of them, but you should know that...

-What do you mean?

-Since we got a shit load of more work you will be the third one doing it. So prepare yourself for the plus hours. We always finish late, mostly late at night. Today was a miracle that we could leave in time.

-Nah, please say you are lying -you sighed desperately.

-Levi didn't tell you?

-No and I hoped I could have something, well you know... less stressful shit to do.

-Uhm, you know this job is fucking stressful no matter what, right? -he raised one of his eyebrows.

-Shut up -you laughed. But he was right and you knew it as well, you worked in this area for so long and it never ever got easier. However it paid well and you had some expensive hobbies...

-Fuck it's almost 4am -you looked terrifed at your phone screen- Sorry Eren, but I really need to go home now. And sorry for tomorrow, because I already know I'm gonna be a freaking dickhead.

-Can't wait -he winked at you. 

[chalkrevelations]

Oh. Oh, dear.

So I'm actually looking in on We Are, and I think I'm just going to have to file this under "not my bag."

I am. Oh. Oh, I'm literally only watching for the Winny and Satang bits, already. Their characters are genuinely the only couple thing I'm actually enjoying? Mn, I'm kind of OK with Ciize's Obligatory Female Side Character, but we only see her for 1.36 minutes per ep, so it certainly would not be enough to keep me watching.

I can see why they went ahead and gave me a scene of Toey making cow eyes at Q while Q guides Toey's hand through shading three minutes into the first ep, because the promise of more of that is, tbqh, the only thing that got me through that interminable, excruciating drinking/drunk sequence that then took up a good third of Ep 1.

I can see why they dangled the drunken lap nap in front of me during the preview for Ep 2 - because it is, again tbqh, the only thing that made me start watching Ep 2 - and I can then see why they saved it for the last six minutes of the ep, to string me along on the promise of finally seeing that scene. (I do appreciate them hitting me with the "Nong" as a reward.)

And I can see why they hit me with the clay tussle in the preview for Ep 3, because quite frankly, it's the only reason I'm getting ready to hit "play" on this ep. Particularly given the way they made it look like Toey is going to be a tiny bit more assertive. Not that I'm not living for watching Satang doing ... what is the Thai equivalent of saijiao, because I'm not entirely sure it's reached the actual level of bratting? Yet? Or maybe it has?

Anyway, I'm not going to get my hopes up that they'll do something with a little bit of depth, character-wise, as we move into an artistic medium that we haven't seen Q work in so far, and where we therefore have the potential to see some leveling of ground, if it's a medium that Toey has more of an affinity for - even if I wish that would happen. I've seen precisely 47 seconds of this show so far that make me think it has any more depth than a puddle after a 30-second rainstorm (YES, Peem, simplicity can be good!), and I frankly have little hope of seeing anything further on that front.

So, here's where I'm at: I have no pre-existing emotional investment in a PondPhuwin pairing because I got irritated at NLMG about one-third of the way in and then fast-forwarded through the rest to watch the Chopper cut. I'm tired of GMMTV trying to hand me (Engineering) bullies and creeps who the narrative wants me to think are a-OK! no, really! - tired enough that I don't even care to spend enough time with the PhumPeem storyline to find out whether Peem full-on Penelopes that painting and has to re-paint it every night or if he just finishes fixing it and then lies about it, saying it's not done, in order to spend more time as Phum's "slave." I'm a tiny bit sad about all that, because I'm finding Peem 1.75x more interesting than what I've seen Phuwin do up until now, but I have zero hope that Peem's going to make Phum actually pay for being the asshole he is. I'm absolutely not the audience for the super-broadly comedic, practically cartoonish, bit they appear to be doing with Aou. And who's this kid .... Pun? - I need him to be at least one-half as stupid as he appears to be if they're going to drag him out in his pajamas, get him shit-faced drunk, and harass him while filming him for posterity - or I need all that to be an actual issue, which I do not trust will happen.

Also, the writing is ... not good. Particularly the supposed banter during friend-group scenes. Maybe it's actually translation's fault, how try-hard it all sounds, but with everything else going on, I'm not going to count on that.

I probably need to wait for a QToey supercut and just watch that, but I can't guarantee that will happen, so I guess I'm going to fast-forward through 8 more eps and hope the bits and pieces of Phum's smug, punchable face that I actually see don't make me throw the remote control at my screen.

[whentherewerebicycles]

morning! we got up at 5:30 today—I love that it’s already bright out even though the sun’s not fully up. makes it so much easier to get started early! I have been thinking about how my schedule will change when I have to go into campus most days of the week and I think I’m going to try to stick to this schedule if I can. I really like not being rushed in the mornings and I think if I wake up around 5:30/6 I can have 30-45 min of coffee/lounge time before I have to shower and get ready.

mmkay the day. I have a bunch of short meetings between 9-12:30 and I also need to make a little progress on these modules. I think I want to finish the sections for AS + KS today, then I’ll send a reminder email to everyone else to submit their materials. yesterday I experienced an intense spike of job despair and then I sat up straighter in my chair and was like oh shit. oh shit. I already quit this job!!!!! I’m SO close to being done with it FOREVER!!!! anyway counting today I have eight more days in this job and then I am OUT. (though god even that feels a little interminable! I wish I’d pushed harder for a wed last day instead of fri but I do need the money sigh.)

oh and I do have a student meeting at 2:30 that I can’t forget about. okay okay. I’m gonna let myself keep lounging until 7:30ish and then I’ll shower/get ready/start work. in terms of other stuff for today… this is my aspirational list:

empty and reload dishwasher

I am releasing myself from returns today because I have some more stuff coming for the deck that I’ll probably need to return later so I can save it all for one big trip

email JE to set up meeting time and follow up about job materials

scrub down half of deck (I don’t have to do the whole thing!! just make a little progress!)

take out deck trash & bag up unused soil

walk the dogs for an hour

run 2 miles at the gym (you don’t want to do it but you’ll feel very smug when you do)

reply to fic comment—I could even do this between morning meetings if I wanted

type up notes from first gen student programming book and do brainstorming

[thessalian]

Thess vs Self-Worth Spirals

Bananas are in the dehydrator, refrigerator pickles are chillilng in the fridge, and I’m taking a break (sort of; there’s some uploading shit to do because I’m determined to get this all done this week) between that and boiling up my beets. I didn’t sleep well because apparently either the floors are way thinner than they need to be or my upstairs neighbours are unspeakably loud during sex. So I got treated to about a half-hour of that. Which, I mean, cheers to the stamina, I guess, but please, for my sanity, get a carpet. And I can’t go take a nap now because a) the expected pain flare from last night’s Great Vanilla Fudge Experiment has caught up with me, and b) one of my neighbours on this floor (next door or across the hall; I can’t tell) are doing some quite loud home maintenance. Yay.

My brain is weird. Not bad, not even particularly inefficient, but weird nonetheless. I was slicing bananas and going kind of Zen about it, thinking about the comments I get from mutuals who are enjoying reading about my forays into kitchen and garden experimentation, combined with the people at my office being like, “Oh, but that sounds like so much effort, though”. Somehow, those thoughts collided to actually answer the question of why I spend so much time and effort on stuff like this, and why I started in the first place.

Answer: “I’m having to make an insane effort to feed myself anyway; might as well have some fun with it”.

Because, seriously, all of this started after the fibromyalgia diagnosis. I mean, even before that, food was more of a chore than it is for a lot of people. Not all people, but a lot of people. Because dietary requirements. Dairy I can just about do with proper preparation and the right supplements - that or very small amounts. (Butter on a potato won’t upset me too badly; a bowl of ice cream will.) Gluten? Thaaaaaaat’s a problem. It doesn’t take much at all to set me off, and so much convenience food has wheat flour in it somewhere, either as a base ingredient or as a thickener. While you can get ready meals and the like that are gluten-free, the range is very narrow and it’s expensive for what you get. Hell, even getting things like gluten-free pasta is tricky, since every brand has a different recipe and some aren’t bad while others are awful, so it’s a crap-shoot at best. (So far Sainsbury’s wins for gluten-free pasta. I will no longer touch Tesco gluten-free pasta, because it is really gross.) So effectively I was living on a fairly limited menu.

And then the fibromyalgia came along and made things worse. Couldn’t work full time anymore, so reduced wage. A lot of money was going on painkillers, and the price of prescriptions went up. Brexit plus Covid meant a lot of shortages and higher prices. (That’s not even going into the mess we have now.) Most of all, everything hurt. Every activity just hurt, and was going to, forever.

This, you can imagine, got depressing. Still is, sometimes. But somewhere along the line I guess I thought, “Well, if I’m going to cause myself pain, it’s going to be for something inventive, something fun, instead of just whatever seemed easiest”. So I started my garden - yeah, watering the plants every day is a struggle sometimes, but strawberries and herbs and tomatoes! I knew that fruit was a good idea but it always went bad on me before I could finish it all, and buying bags of dehydrated fruit was expensive, so I got the dehydrator and it’s still one of the best investments I’ve ever made. I got my baking dish and learned to make lasagne and pasta bakes and cottage pie, because that meant one evening’s effort in the kitchen would feed me for almost a week instead of just a day or two, which meant less effort and pain in the long run. Kind of like buying in bulk, but for physical pain instead of sticker shock.

Not only is all this fun, but it also gives me a sense of ... accomplishment and self-worth, which are two distinct things in this instance. The accomplishment is easy - “I made that! Go, me!”, but the self-worth doesn’t have anything to do with having to make these nice things to be worthy of the space I occupy in the world. See, I’ll make this kind of effort for others without a thought, but the fact that I’m willing to make this effort for myself? For my own comfort and enjoyment and happiness? It’s basically me saying, “I am worth this effort. My long-term happiness is worth a little pain, effort, and inconvenience”. I guess if I can think that about myself, I can accept it better when others think it about me. And I have examples of it almost every day. I can sit down to a lasagne full of fresh herbs from my own garden, or go to the fridge and snack on some refrigerator pickles that I made just because I don’t like how most pickles in this country taste, or pack a work lunch that includes a dried fruit mix tailored exactly to my tastes. Yes, it’s nice when others enjoy these things, and I will always try to share when I can. But at the end of the day, I made these things for me. I thought I was worth it. For me, that’s new, and it matters.

Honestly, it’s nice when the self-worth spiral is going upwards, instead of the usual downward trajectory.

[xwinchesterxlovex]

Exhale

September 24th 2001

Sam lights his last cigarette. It’s his first day of college. He can’t believe he’s even here.

He is supposed to meet up with some buddies from freshman orientation outside the chem lab. Class starts at 8:00 AM and it’s already 7:54 AM. They might be no-shows. He takes a long drag.

Sam doesn’t honestly know how people in college are supposed to behave. Unless you count the times Dean forced him to watch Animal House. If you’re going based on that, you ALWAYS skip an 8 AM, especially if it’s a Monday.

Not Sam, though. He has goals. He isn’t here on daddy’s money (laughable to even think about). He is going to quit smoking, try to make some friends, and become a lawyer. Sam is done hunting for good. He wants to make something of himself. He just wishes it didn’t mean Dean wasn’t in his life anymore.

God. He can’t even think about it. Sam knows that if he dwells, he’ll end up dropping out. All the pain of leaving, for nothing.

He lets the smoke billow from his mouth, then wipes a hand down his face, hard. Checks his watch again, 7:58 AM. He stamps out the rest of his cigarette and heads in.

-

Sam leaves his first class and pulls out his map of campus and his schedule. Next he's got freshman speech. That is definitely going to be hard. It isn't that Sam can't write a good speech. He definitely can. But, standing up there in front of everyone? His hands are sweating just thinking about it.

He rubs the back of his neck. Then he chews his nails. Cracks every knuckle. He lets out a frustrated sigh.

He pulls out his 'last' pack and lights up.

-

The next morning rolls around and Sam has the worst migraine of his existence. That includes the time Dean knocked him out cold sparring, only to later be thrown against the Impala by a ghoul. It doesn’t help that his roommate snores like an old man.

Sam had managed to cut back his smoking by half on the first day. He only had ten. Today he’ll aim for five.

He checks his schedule, then his watch. He was heading to grab some lunch at the dining hall, but he only has 18 minutes until calculus. His stomach growls.

Okay, having six won’t end the world. Sam grabs out a smoke and lights up as he walks. It’s a beautiful day, same as yesterday. It’s still weird to Sam that the only “weather�� here is the occasional sprinkle. He stops outside the math building to finish his cigarette, when he notices someone is staring at him.

He ignores it. Sam isn’t a hunter anymore, there’s no reason this person could possibly be a threat. It does make him a little uncomfortable though, and his cigarette is only half gone.

The guy looks preppy. Polo shirt, khakis, the whole nine. Sam notes to himself to never, under any circumstances, dress like that guy. He might not be a hunter anymore, but no need to stray THAT far from what he knows.

Mr. Preppy saunters up to Sam as though he isn’t dressed like a little kid going to Sunday school. How cute, Sam thinks, this guy thinks he’s tough shit. Sam is ready to take this guy if he has to, but he would rather not get arrested on his second day.

“Hey man, can I get a smoke?”

“Uh, sure,” Sam hadn’t been expecting that. He pulls out his pack of Marlboros and hands one over to Mr. Preppy. He pulls out the zippo he stole from Dean and lights it.

“Thanks. I’m Brady. You?” Sam supposes he couldn’t have called him Mr. Preppy to his face, so Brady works.

“Sam. I’m Sam,” He says it around his cigarette and reaches out to shake Brady’s hand. “So, uh, are you in Calc 1 with Professor Touriev?”

“Sure am. I gotta be honest with you, Sam. Most kids who go here don’t smoke out in public. Bad for their image. They’d rather do lines at parties and stick their powdered noses up at a good cigarette,” Brady takes a long drag and closes his eyes like it’s the best thing he’s ever had.

“I’m actually trying to quit,” Sam ignores the comments about lines and powder. He doesn’t need to get mixed up in that right now. He has enough going against him.

“Oh, sure. Me too. You should try American Spirits. They’re healthier,” Sam figures he’ll have to look into that later. Maybe those could help him quit.

“We should probably head in. I think class is gonna start soon.”

They put out their cigarettes and head in, chatting about starting school and their home lives. Sam lies.

-

December 31st 2001

They’re in Brady’s dorm room getting ready and pregaming to go out when she knocks on the door. Brady lets her in and looks at Sam with a twinkle in his eye. Sam wonders what he’s up to.

“Sam, this is Jess. Jess, this is Sam. I just know we are going to be the bestest of friends,” Brady says with a big fat smile. It always amazes Sam just how outgoing Brady can be. The shots of tequila they've been taking probably don’t hurt either.

He supposes it’s a good thing since Brady is his only friend so far, but Sam really isn’t up for it. It’s bad enough that he and Brady are going out tonight.

Sam quietly gets up and offers Jess his hand, “It’s really nice to meet you Jess,” Sam hopes his smile reaches his eyes.

“You too, Sam,” Jess replies with a shy smile. Sam’s heart gives a heavy thud. Her eyes are as green as grass. It’s hard to tell around the smell of Axe body spray, but Sam smells cinnamon and whiskey on her.

Brady cuts in, clearly oblivious to the moment they’re having, “We got tequila and beer if you want something to drink.”

“No, I’m okay. I had a few shots of Fireball before I came. I’m ready to go when you guys are,” Sam is happy to hear that his senses are still sharp as ever. But, the color of Jess’s eyes and the smell of cheap whiskey make his heart hurt.

“Yeah, let’s get going. I gotta have a smoke,” Sam claims, breaking away from the group to go outside.

“Kinda seems like you took care of that already,” Jess says before he gets to the door. She must mean the weed. That was mostly Brady, Sam only had one hit.

Before Sam can respond, Brady does, “Nah, Sammy here is our resident fag enjoyer.”

Brady can be such a prick sometimes. Sam just rolls his eyes at Brady and holds up his pack of American Spirits towards Jess. He walks out without waiting.

He lights his cigarette and walks down the hall, ignoring looks from people as he passes by. Smoking inside is definitely frowned upon.

Sam chain smokes the entire way to the party.

-

11:43 PM

Sam has been sitting on the sofa, watching the people around him engage in things he only ever saw in movies, until he came to Stanford. He watches someone do an actual keg stand. Shortly thereafter, he watches a couple of blonde girls do lines of coke on the crappy coffee table.

Brady stumbles down the stairs and flops onto the couch next to him. Or rather, on half of Sam’s body.

“Dude. I’m totally gonna fuck Jess.”

“That’s nice, Brady,” Sam really isn’t in the mood to hear about his friend’s conquests. Especially not if the girl in question is Jess. Those eyes.

“Aw come on Sam, be happy for me!” Brady kisses Sam’s cheek and unsteadily stands to go back upstairs. Sam is coming to realize that he is not nearly drunk enough.

Sam gets up to get another beer and checks his watch, 11:51 PM. He hurries to the kitchen, grabs a beer from the cooler and chugs it in one go. Downs a second. Sam picks up one more, but this time, he sips it on his way out of the kitchen. His stomach feels like he’s about eight months pregnant, but he’s had worse.

He heads out to the front porch where everyone is smoking. Sam lights his 18th cigarette that day. So much for quitting.

With a beer in his hand and a cigarette between his lips, he’s transported right back to growing up with his brother, and well. John. Sam moved away from them. Yet, here he is. Same damn bad habits as his family.

As if to put the perfect bow on such a depressing line of thought, his phone starts to ring.

Sam pulls out the Nokia he bought off Brady and looks at the screen. He doesn’t have many contacts yet, so it just shows a number without a name. Sam isn’t sure if he should answer. The little screen says it’s 11:58 PM.

He clicks the answer button and puts it up to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Sammy?” Sam’s grip on his beer falters and it splatters all over his shoes.

“Dean?” He wheezes out.

“I just, uh, wanted to tell you, that I, uh… Happy New Year's, Sammy,” Dean stumbles over his words a little. He sounds miserable. Dean should never sound that way. What’s worse is that Sam knows he’s the reason.

The people around him start chanting, “Ten, nine…”

Sam is feeling the alcohol now. He needs Dean to know how much he misses him, “Dean, I’m so so sor-”

“Sam!” Jess bursts through the door behind Sam.

“Five, four…” people are still chanting as Jess grabs his face.

“Sam? I’m sorry too, okay. I miss y-” Sam thinks he hears Dean say on the phone. He can’t really hear over the fireworks now shooting overhead.

“Two, one! Happy New Year!” People all around them are yelling. Jess kisses him hard right on the lips.

Sam pulls back after a second or two, “Happy New Year’s, Jess. Please, I just need a minute.” She looks a little confused as he turns away from her.

He puts the phone back up to his ear to see if Dean is still there.

Nothing.

[the-duckless-pond]

Ugh. I give up on not smoking.

Someone asked me about it AGAIN. Another person that I had told multiple times not to ask me about it because it just made me want to smoke!!! I truly do not understand why literally no one could respect that.

And I’m just… sad and depressed and tired and done and I give up. I went out and bought a carton. Not a single pack, a carton. I’m hoping that at least this time maybe I will smoke a little less. I’m going to aim for every two hours or so. Not every hour like I was before. I would really like to smoke a half pack a day. That would be a massive improvement from where I was at before.

I am so mad though. I want to lay down and cry. I had been doing so well, and I was nearly ready to go from step one patches to step two, but then my mom kept asking about it and I lost my shit and smoked on and off for three weeks. I finally decided to stop a few days ago (four or five) and was hanging in there, and then someone asked about it again. I just can’t anymore. I’m done. I give up.

I feel like I’ll be trapped smoking for the rest of my life and doomed to get cancer or something like that now. Because apparently everyone supports the idea of me not smoking but no one actually supports what I need to be successful. Which does not feel great to know.

I guess maybe I’ll try again over winter break when jt is cold and bad and I don’t want to go outside. I still have five weeks of step one patches left and all of step two and three, so I’ll just hold on to those until I feel ready to try again.

And next time? I’m not telling anyone at all. Literally no one will know. I might write about it here in my diary entries, but that will be the extent of my sharing about it.

My long term goal is to be quit by the time I do my study abroad in 2026, so I’ve got time. I did really good until everyone ignored what I wanted and needed, and I know I can do good again.

But for now… I am tired of being triggered and I give up.

Idk. I just can’t understand it. It’s like if people knew I was hurting myself and was trying not to, and every day someone new asked me how it was going not cutting myself. Like can you imagine how much of a trigger that would be? It would be awful. Everyone would judge you for asking. But for some reason it’s okay when it comes to quitting smoking? I don’t get it.

Anyway. I just stopped my days since timer. Longest streak is 28 days. I’ll go longer next time. It had been five days, one hour, and twenty eight minutes since I last smoked. What a massive disappointment this has turned out to be. I started out so hopeful and now I just feel disappointed in people for not respecting me enough to not ask like I asked them to.

I would really like to take a moment to point out that I have no negative feelings or emotions towards myself about this. It is an addiction, and that is okay. It’s just like when I quit self harm. It took many years and many attempts, and I am sure this will too.

HOLD THE PHONE ON ALL OF THIS THERE IS A WASP IN MY APARTMENT ON THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW AND I DONT OWN A BUG ZAPPER RACKET OH FUCK

I OPENED THE OTHER WINDOW AND THE SCREEN SO THAT IT CAN GET OUT BUT IT IS JUST WALKING AROUND ON THE CLOSED WINDOW

GO TO THE OTHER WINDOW

Oh thank fuck it’s out now oh god that was terrifying

immediately making an order as soon as I finish this post for a bug zapper racket since I like to keep these windows open in the mornings

Well. That got me to stop crying really quickly. I guess the fear shocked the despair right out of me.

I have things to do today but honestly I feel so form in that I’m probably going to push it all off until tomorrow and focus on feeling better and doing feel good things. Thinking I’m going to watch all of the marvel movies and shows in order because I did that prior to the first show coming out and it was really fun. And it took like three weeks and kept me very busy and distracted. I was also depressed during that period and I recall it being a good distraction so that I didn’t hurt myself like I wanted.

I guess I’ll give an update on that front. It’s been like a week or maybe more since I last hurt myself? I don’t know. I’m not really keeping track tbh. I don’t care that much. This feels like a serious relapse when it comes to my mind set, but not so serious in actual harm done. I guess I’ve had to the urge to hurt myself a bunch but mostly I’ve been ignoring it. And I was focused on quitting smoking and all that bullshit. I guess I’m hoping that now that I’m smoking again I can use that as my pseudo self harm and not hurt myself anymore? I don’t know. Something like that. I’ll try it out and see how it goes.

In all honesty, I don’t care that much. Right now I care about making it to class and getting good grades. I’ve missed one day of class each week since the semester started and that is… not good. The first time I had a migraine, and then I was sick, and then I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed and the syllabus says don’t come to zoom class from bed. So.

I guess maybe I’ll adapt what I did like a decade ago when I stopped hurting myself and get myself a little treat for each week I make it to all my classes. I only have three meeting times a week, so that doesn’t feel too hard. I mean, it is right now, but it won’t be forever. So I’ll find some little treat to get for going to class. Maybe bubble tea? That is kind of pricey since I have to get it delivered. Maybe a new mini? Those are pretty inexpensive, although I don’t have a place to display my minis yet and they are all in storage, and also all my painting stuff is still at mom’s. I don’t know. I’ll think of something.

In other news I broke up with Jim, my therapist. He didn’t do DBT and did CBT and it was okay but not for me. He was also ADAMANT that I needed to go out and socialize more, yet never asked me if I had that week??? So it was this constant pressure to do more be more be less me that built up and got really uncomfortable. Also I don’t think he ever really… comprehended that I am aroace and have no romantic or sexual desires. That came up a bunch the first like six months that I saw him. So, I finally decided I had had enough after he once again said that I needed to rejoin society (his actual words) when I HAD gone out and been social (hello!!! Ren faire for 8 hours plus two hours talking in the car???) and yet never asked me if I had done anything. And I guess I just got really sick of it. So yeah. No more Jim.

I do want to go to therapy again but I think I’m going to really take my time and look for a dbt certified therapist this time. Last time Jim was what I could afford, and he accepted my shitty insurance which was the main reason I saw him for so long. But I think I want to be back in DBT centered individual and group therapy. That is what has worked the best for me and led to long term stability and results. So I will do my research and take my time and find the perfect fit. Even though it might be really difficult in the mean time without therapy, I think it will be worth it. Also, I DO own the DBT skills manual, so I can always make copies of worksheets if things get really dicey.

So yeah. Those are the updates. Mostly depressing things I guess? I don’t know. Honestly I’m not too broken up about going back to smoking. I’m at peace with it. I kind of saw it coming. So I’m not mad at myself or beating myself up about it. Same with the occasional bout of self harm. I’m at peace with it. I’ll address these things when I get therapy. Maybe. Once I learn to trust my new therapist.

That’s my other problem with Jim. I never got able to trust him so I never really talked about anything that was going on? Mostly because ive had a string of really bad therapists for a few years now. Actually, I’m not done with the post. I want to vent about that.

Okay. First, there was Brenda. Brenda was great and helpful and helped me gain the skills to stop hurting myself and I saw her over for a decade weekly. I adored and trusted Brenda. And then, Brenda got a puppy. This was June 2020. Brenda texted me that she needed to reschedule our session bc she forgot how much work puppies are. I was in a good spot and I foolishly trusted Brenda so I was like yeah!!! whatever you need!!! And I never heard from Brenda again. Literally nothing. I texted her a few times trying to reschedule but she totally ghosted me. It was heartbreaking. This was the beginning of my trust issues with therapists.

Then I scrambled to find a new therapist because it was Covid and I wasn’t doing too great. And I saw Lauren for a while, but my eating disorder came back and Lauren didn’t do ED treatment. I never fully trusted Lauren but I still kind of opened up to her about my psychosis as it was happening to me. So Lauren was okay, but she also mostly did CBT? And that doesn’t work for me. She didn’t do a lot of DBT with me and tried to push CBT techniques, so I would have stopped seeing her anyway.

Then I saw Dr. Brianne, who cost a fuck ton because she is a psychologist, and she was pushy and awful. I hated going to therapy with her. Her office was also awful about billing which gave me a lot of financial issues. Which stressed me out and made my ED worse. Dr. Brianne also claimed to DBT, but never used it in my sessions with her. I finally gave up on her after she made me breakdown because she kept being pushy and I was clearly upset but she didn’t stop. This solidified my trust issues, I think.

Out of spite, I recovered from my ED on my own without any of her help and using what I remembered of DBT skills.

Then I saw Jim, and that lasted for a year. And he was okay. He accepted my insurance. He pressured me a lot about going out and making more friends and just ignored that I don’t want that kind of life and that I am content with the life I have right now. I couldn’t open up to him because of all my trust issues and basically wasted money talking about bullshit every two weeks and dealt with my problems on my own.

And now I don’t have a therapist (which tbh is effectively the same as seeing Jim) and I’m going to look for one but I’m going to be very picky this time because I want someone good and not someone bad or mediocre. I want a good fit, I want DBT, and I want someone that won’t be all pushy or pressure-y. I’ll just cope in the meantime.

Okay. I’m done writing now. I mean, I have more to say, but I have to charge my phone since it is dying.

Maybe more later? Idk. For now I will focus on doing the feel better things and deal with studying and everything later.

[chill-chikku]

Ppl often think working as a Dollar Store like employee is easy bc the stores are often messy and bad and the employees apathetic or rude.

I work at a…General sort of Dollar store. In a very small town 4-5 hours from Chicago and an hour and a half from any major cities.

So, this What I do for 14.75 an hour as a part time keyholder (just above cashier):

As a keyholder I an open and close the store, handle and create deposits, balance registers, do pick ups, void transactions, tell the cashier what needs done, and do refunds. Most of what I do is mandated to me from the 2 managers.

Other stuff:

Freight rolltainers (huge metal carts full of boxes of product) and organize it into their homes or label it for overstock and stack it in a certain way on an empty rolltainer.

Corporate also mandates that we finish 1 for every hour of our shift(these are boxes that vary from 1lb to 20lb to 50lb). Eight hours shift = 7 Rt, no less than 6.

Thankfully, my store manager and assistant manager are not insane and instead expect 2-3 done from whoever isn’t on register depending on the day, and they also do everything I do plus a lot of paperwork shit, so they are in the same boat.

Assistant manager gets paid 18 an hour, SM is salaried and I think she had it worse despite making more technically.

Anyways, I’m also Rotating and recovering the stock in several aisles from 5pm till an hour till close (9pm for us) to check for expired foods and make the products look good on the shelves and be in their proper place.

We are also getting ready for upcoming Inventory which means recovery has to be done extra well.

I also have to make time to do proper pick ups(if a register is over 260 it’s a dangerous life for robbery) at the registers.

I’m also cleaning incident messes and helping customers find things and if it’s just me in the store, checking them out

(we don't have a self checkout. Too much shrink, according to corporate).

Then I do things like clear sky shelves, damages (recording everything that has expired or been damaged with a little computer scanner and then throwing it away) and culling produce.

Keep in mind It’s only 2 ppl in the store (3 at most which is always a relief) except Fridays after truck delivery Thursday morning.

Not to mention if it's fresh truck day and we have to unload all the frozen and cold goods within 2 hours or they will go bad. Thankfully now that the crew is larger, we’ve been able to bring ppl in for part of the day for that.

We also check in vendors, scan fed ex packages drop off and pick up, break down boxes and stack them in empty rolktainers, fold up rolltainers we aren’t using and take them outside to be collected on truck day.

Then there's totes which is like boxes of filler stuff that doesn't come in boxes, like medicine and toothpaste and what not that doesn't have enough volume per shipment to be efficiently transported in a box.

Get at least 15 every Thursday shipment.

So, Every truck day we get like 10-13 rolltainers and at least a dozen totes. All of them are mandated to be done by the end of Saturday.

It used to be way worse when I started. only 1 person in store most of the time (2 at night bc it's legally required)

doing all of the above

And I’m sure I missed a few things

I almost quit a few times, but I literally have no job alternative at the moment since I can’t transport mysekg. (I can’t even work from home, internet here is terrible)

thank god we got some very competent team members on board (shout out to my AM ur a real one) and now things are much much much smoother.

Anyways all that to say, that store is bad and the employees apathetic bc they are each expected to do the work of at least 2-3 people.

It’s almost impossible to catch up if you don’t have a superhuman manager or two who can figure out how to positively motivate everyone despite the low pay.

I think my motive is:

1. I need money.

2. We are the only grocery store in town and very important for our poor, disabled, and elderly in the community.

3. I am absurdly obsessed with being perceived as useful, responsible, and having a strong work ethic.

4. I feel awful if I make a mistake or slack off bc it always means a coworker has to fix it or do what I was supposed to do. Especially with such a small crew.

And honest to god?

I don’t even dislike what I do! In fact I have found myself enjoying the challenges that come with being a shift leader and working out how to get things done and prioritizing things.

Plus it’s all very in the moment, makes me think on my feet, but with a lot of rules and guidelines to fall back on and extrapolate from.

I even like all the manual labor! I like having a reason to move around, I like organizing things and making them look neat!

Plus? I am an extroverted freak who loves helping customers and chatting with them and getting to know the ppl in the community! I really do care how they are doing! It’s a privilege to be in a small town and get to talk to people all day!!!

It’s just the understaffing and the low pay that gets me! I can’t even be mad about other stores bc it’s hard doing all that work.

I’m also single and childless. If I had kids to think about and a partner to consider and more bills to worry about on top of being overworked for low pay? All my enjoyment I do have would be sucked away.

So…I can’t be mad about other similar stores having apathetic employees and messy stores. Behind the scenes they are peony constantly scrambling to keep the doors open and paychecks secure.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - Morning Wake-Up

*Warning Adult Content*

Emmett

"Time to wake up, sleepyhead."

I hate to wake him but we can't sleep on the couch, either. He's groggy, unsure of where he is for just a second but he actually wakes up pretty quickly.

"Sorry. I guess I was tired."

"Of course you are. Question is... are you awake now and want to stay up a few or just want to get ready for bed and crawl in?"

It's just past ten am but he's been sick and I slept like crap last night so I'm good either way. He's half asleep again by the time I finish.

"Tired. Wanna fuck but I'm too tired... sorry Emmett."

"Not why I invited you over here, darling. No worries."

I grab his bag and offer him a hand.

"Let's get upstairs."

He takes forever to get undressed... he's moving slowly and it's adorable. He's not quite finished by the time I'm done in the bathroom and I would help but maybe that's a bridge too far... he's so skittish about his undies anyway. Speaking of which... tonight is? I don't know... some sort of cartoon. Damn they're hot... very, very hot. I want to grab him and do all sorts of things but he's exhausted. I'll have to wait.

****

I wake up the next morning to Finnegan moving around... he's dipping down below the covers.

"Finnegan?"

"Can I, Emmett?" he asks, his hand wrapping around my cock.

Well that is definitely the best way I know of to wake up.

"Yeah babe. Of course."

His mouth is delectable and I enjoy it for a minute before tapping the pillow.

"Swing up here... let me at you."

He makes no move to turn though... instead he wraps himself tightly around my leg. I can feel his cock pressing against my calf and then he's reaching up towards me. I give him my hand which he puts on the back of his head. I am more than happy to play with his hair but it's evident pretty quickly that that's not what he was getting at. He moves me... applying pressure as he takes more of me into his throat.

"Fuck, Finnegan. That's... shit yes."

He wants me to force him and I do not mind playing rough, at all but we don't know each other well enough for me to know how far to go so I'm careful. I hold him down for just a few seconds before relaxing my hand but he pushes against it again and I rock my hips, pushing deeper. He humps my leg and moans and my balls vibrate. It is so, so good. When I give him another break he takes it.

"You can choke me. Please... whatever you want."

"I don't want to scare you or go too far, darling. Show me what you'll do if you need a break."

He pinches my thigh... just enough to hurt and I chuckle as he takes my cock back down his throat.

"Well that will get my attention. Damn babe. Yes... fuck do that some more."

I sort of mumble as his tongue makes my toes curl.

"Make me," he practically begs so I do, loving the way he grinds against me when I hold him down.

I move the blankets so he can breathe and I can see well and enjoy the show.

"Damn boy... you can wake me up like this every morning, Finnegan."

I'm close and should hold back but I am also sort of desperate and don't want to. I want to shoot down his warm, welcoming throat. I want to touch him... to get him off with me but he's made it impossible for me to reach him so I straighten my leg a little, giving him a bit more pressure as I see just how much of my cock he can take. He moans and presses hard before rocking against me again, grinding his cock against me. I want to see but can't tear my eyes away from his mouth and my cock disappearing over and over again.

My hips refuse to be still as I jump over the cliff and I hold him steady, using him almost brutally. All I can think about is how hard my orgasm hits me until I realize that he's coming too, shuddering against my leg, his hand entwined with mine so I don't let up the pressure. I let him pull back as soon as he wants to, of course and he gasps a moment as he lays on my thigh.

"Shhh," he says, as if he knows I'm about to ask some of the questions that are going through my head.

"I made a mess. I'm sorry."

So not a problem.

"It's okay, darling but we need to get you out of those sticky undies and into the shower."

"Okay."

He follows me in and I start the water, then pull him against my chest so he can relax for a minute. He practically melts into me.

"That was fun."

"Was it? I certainly enjoyed it, Finnegan."

"Me too. I'm not usually so... I don't know. Something about you, Emmett. You make me a little crazy."

"Do I?"

I test the water and it's hot enough so I peel off Finn's undies, surprised that he lets me. We step in and manage to do a damn good job of showering together.

"Let's get breakfast and then find something fun to do today. Hey, do you like baseball?"

I have tickets for tomorrow's game and I wonder if he wants to go. The question seems to throw him and he doesn't answer until we're back in my room getting dressed.

"Can I tell you something?"

I'm a little nervous.

"Yeah, of course." 

Did he get beaned in the head with a baseball when he was younger? 

"I don't know how to play. I... I guess I missed some things when I was sick and by the time I was better I always felt behind and sort of stupid. You know how kids are. I never did little league or anything because I would have been in with little kids."

"So you've never been to a batting cage? Darling, we should fix that. I can teach you how to play."

He's embarrassed and I love the cute blush on his cheeks but I hate that he feels bad.

"I would. I'd like that... sure. But I'm gonna be bad, Emmett. I can't even really catch."

"Points for not making a catcher joke, you did just fine last week."

He smiles.

"Hey, let's try it. We can't do too much, don't want you getting overtired or hurting tomorrow but we can go over the basics. It's a gorgeous day and we should get outside. If you want to see a game I have tickets for the one pm tomorrow. Bleacher seats but the hot dogs and beer will be good."

"I'm not sure what I'm getting myself into but okay. Emmett, nothing is ever simple with you, is it?"

"Au contraire," I tease

"I am about the simplest guy you'll ever meet. You, on the other hand, are a bit complicated but I don't mind that, darling. Let's go get some brunch, I could go in on a platter."

[bwemph]

A little rant

I am going through the process to become a certified home healthcare aide so the Ohio government will be paying me instead of my client paying out of pocket. So basically, I will be doing the same exact job with a little extra paperwork and I will get a small raise/finally be able to work full time so I can get out of my parents’ house.

The problem is, this process has been insanely difficult and there has been a road block at every single step, whether it’s a glitch on the website’s side, some extra certification that I didn’t know I needed, or just straight up missing information that I’m supposed to just magically know. I was finally ready to be done filling out the application this morning and logged in to attach all my documentation. Of course, the site reloads and says it’s down for maintenance. No big deal, I’ll finish after work. Well, guess who just got off work? Great! Now I can submit my application. Well, turns out the maintenance was to entirely overhaul the site (with no previous notification or warning) and now my application is nowhere in sight. Potentially gone????? The entire interface is different and nowhere have I found some kind of portal to access the application that I have been working on for two and a half weeks.

“Oh, we have a nurse/aide shortage! Nobody wants to work!” MAYBE BECAUSE 1. YOU PAY SHIT AND 2. YOU MAKE IT NEARLY INACCESSIBLE TO ANYBODY WHO MIGHT JUST BE INTERESTED IN THIS JOB!!

Anyway, I kind of rage quit once that happened and I will revisit it in a few hours. For now I’m going to write for a while just so I can unwind before I even think about doing this again.

[missywritesfor7]

🌺 Promise Flower | PJM 🌺

Synopsis: Jimin is a popular dance student and the best one at his university. Mina is a photography student and has known Jimin since high school. An idea for a photo project finds Mina getting closer to him than she ever has before. She learns how big his heart is, but also learns how closely he guards it. Every time she thinks he'll let her in, he pulls away again. Is it even worth the trouble?

Pairing: college student!Jimin x fem!oc

Warnings: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, alcoholism

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Masterlist

|| Ch. 10: Unspoken ||

Monday I spend half the day wondering if I should try texting Jimin again. I know he’ll be on campus so I’m bound to run into him at some point.

It’s still a little weird that he suddenly seems to not want to talk to me, but Tae keeps telling me to just talk to him anyway, that I’m overreacting. I don’t even know what to say. Do I just try talking to him like nothing happened or do I straight up ask him if he hates me?

I decide to have a drink at the cafe after I finish my last class of the day. I can just hangout there a bit and work on editing some of my photos on my laptop. I’m just not quite ready to go home yet.

Right when I walk into the door of the cafe I meet eyes with Jimin standing in line. He smiles at me and I think maybe I’m being silly about him hating me. Maybe.

“Hey,” I say getting in line behind him. “How was your first day back?”

“A little weird,” he says nervously. “I used to have my dance class today but since I’m not in it anymore I only had one class. I still went by to say thanks to everyone for the concert though.”

“Do you…have any plans for the rest of the day?” I don’t know why I’m so nervous about asking. Sure he turned me down yesterday but it shouldn’t make me feel the way I do right now. He’s not going to spend every waking moment with me and I shouldn’t expect that. Especially after I threw up all over him.

“Just physical therapy in a couple of hours.” He pauses searching the floor for more words. “But…I’m not doing anything else today. So…I’m free.”

“Oh, ok. Is Hoseok taking you to your appointment?”

“Yeah, he’ll be out of class by then.”

“Well…I was going to go over some of my pictures while I drink my coffee, do you want to take a look at them?”

“Sure.”

So maybe he doesn’t hate me? Maybe he needed time to process everything. But he still seems a little reserved right now. It’s like we’ve only known each other 7 days and not 7 years.

After ordering and getting our drinks we take a seat at a table and I pull out my laptop to show him the photos I’m working on. As usual he’s a bit embarrassed looking at pictures of himself but he’s still very interested in each one.

I guess I hadn’t been paying much attention, or I had been so distracted the past couple of weeks that I didn’t realize I don’t have many photos at all.

“Did you take any more?” Jimin asks.

“No,” I say trying to laugh it off. “I guess not. Shit.”

“You only have a few pictures from my surgery, but that’s all?”

“I thought I had more…”

“Oh,” he chuckles.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he says shaking his head. “I could ask my physical therapist if it’s ok, and if you want you can come to my next appointment and take pictures.”

“Really? That’d be great!”

He nods and says he’ll let me know if they’ll allow me to come to his next session. I realize I need to at least make an effort to take my camera with me whenever I see him. I had gotten so…distracted…that I stopped taking my camera altogether whenever I saw him.

I feel better now that we were able to sit down and talk. Although we didn’t actually talk about anything that we needed to talk about, but maybe we can address it later?

Hoseok came by to collect Jimin and take him to his appointment. I decided it was a good time for me to go home as well.

As expected, Jin isn’t home so I lounge around a bit and try to attempt some studying. Seems like I’ve done barely any all semester and it’s a miracle I haven’t failed any of my assignments so far. However, my attempt at studying proves to be futile and I find myself falling asleep on the couch.

I’m only awakened by a few text messages that set my phone off. Usually it’s Tae but to my surprise is Jimin telling me he finished his physical therapy for the day and they said it was ok for me to take pictures. I’m excited and I agreed to take him to his next appointment.

We continue texting through the night and I start to think I was definitely overreacting to the way he seemed when I left his place the other day. I apologize to him again for throwing up on him and he tells me, again, that it’s ok. He says his shirt is clean now so no worries.

By Wednesday I’m excited to go with him to his appointment. I’m not sure why though, I’m just there to take pictures for my project that I had been neglecting a bit. I guess it’s just that…I missed him? We hadn’t really spent time together since the weekend so, I don’t know, I guess I missed him a little bit.

Over and over I replay what bits of Friday night I can remember just so I can relive our kiss. Our making out. The feeling of him against me. His soft lips between my teeth. His tongue tangled with mine.

“Aren’t you going to come in?” Jimin’s voice brings me back to reality where I’ve parked my car and he’s waiting for me to get out so he can have his physical therapy session.

“Right,” I say turning the car off in embarrassment. I’m glad my instincts were good enough to get us here in one piece, because I was so lost in my thoughts that I don’t even remember driving.

Jimin’s session is an hour long and involves both stretching and strengthening exercises as well as a bit of a massage and nerve stimulation. Watching him do anything is always breathtaking for some reason, but it’s always so clear how much effort he’s putting in. His determination is written all over his face and his pleads to do “one more set” shows how bad he wants to get back to dancing.

The photos I take are nothing short of amazing, and not because of the way I shot them. His emotions come through so clearly that it really makes my photos look great. He looks so strong and…dominant when he’s focused. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t turn me on a little bit.

At the end of his session I take him back home and he invites me in because he wants to see the pictures I got. Seeing them on my computer is even better than when I was looking at them on the small camera screen. They all look amazing and I can’t stop myself from dishing out compliments at each one, mostly about the way he looks.

After a few minutes I realized he’d gone silent. I was so focused on the pictures that I hadn’t noticed that he was half hiding behind his hands and his eyes are closed from the massive smile on his face.

“What?” I ask noticing his ears turning red.

“Nothing,” he says shyly.

“Are you ashamed of how good you look?”

“No,” he giggles curling into a ball in his seat. “But you’re just saying that.”

“Do you think I would just be saying that after watching you for 7 ye-all these weeks?”

“I guess not,” he laughs. “But, I still feel embarrassed by the compliments when I know I can do better.”

“Shut up,” I say with a chuckle.

Our banter continues as it normally would. He invites me to stay longer and watch the movie we wanted to watch. It gets late and he tells me I need to get some sleep so I’m able to wake up for class in the morning.

He wakes me in the morning to make sure I have time to go home and wash up before class. I take him with me because why not give him a ride if we’re going to the same place.

It’s like Friday night never happened, which is fine because I completely embarrassed myself, but at the same time it’s not fine. It’s not fine because ever since then all I can think about is kissing him again. I want us to talk about it so I can know if he’s interested in doing it again or if he thinks it was just a drunken mistake.

No matter how much time I spend with him and how many physical therapy appointments I’ve driven him to now, I still can’t find the courage to bring the subject up.

It’s now been two weeks since the benefit concert that raised more than enough money to cover Jimin’s tuition. His account has been cleared and yesterday he finally received a check for the remaining amount that was raised. It still amazes me that $4000 was raised when the goal was only $2000. He’s got an extra $2000 in his pocket now and he’s been mulling over what to do with it ever since he got the check.

As I was driving him to his Friday physical therapy session he got a phone call from his mom. It seems he wanted to give his parents the extra money, but his mom wasn’t having any of it. He couldn’t argue with her, but I could tell by the look on his face that he really wanted to.

I don’t want to pry because I know he holds his personal matters a bit close to the chest, especially when it comes to his family, but as I’m sitting on his couch going through my pictures I can tell that he was really bothered during his session. He usually has an intense look of determination on his face, but today he looked emotionless. His mind was elsewhere the entire time and his body seemed like it was just working on autopilot.

“Jimin?” I say softly.

“Yeah?” He says from the other end of the couch, looking up from his phone.

“Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You just seem like something is bothering you. Is everything ok…at home?”

“Yeah.” He looks down at the floor and I can tell he’s not being honest right now.

“You’re not very convincing.”

“It’s nothing,” he sighs. “My mom told me to keep the money for myself and do what I want with it, but I want to give it to them to help out. She won’t let me.”

I know he’s wanted to pay his parents back for everything they’ve sacrificed to support his dancing, but I’ve rarely seen a parent accept money from their child no matter how bad things may be.

“Did she say why she won’t let you?” I ask.

“No, well kind of. She said that things are fine at home and I should just focus on myself and getting better.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. If everything is good at home then-“

“Everything’s not good at home,” he interrupts. “They don’t know that I know about my medical bills. They told my brother not to tell me anything but he did anyway. I know they were selling stuff off to make money before I got hurt. I know they’re behind on some bills and dodging collectors. I know more than they think, but no matter what they won’t let me help. Why would they choose to keep suffering when I’m trying to help?” He seems distraught burying his head in his hands.

“I’m sure they just don’t want you to worry. They want you to focus on school and your recovery, not the issues they’re having at home.” I know he desperately wants to help them and I wish there was something I could do for him.

“I worry more when they don’t tell me these things and won’t let me help.” He looks up at me with tears welling in his eyes. “I’m so tired of seeing them suffer like this. They’ve been suffering my whole life, I just want them to be happy.” He’s fighting his tears and it’s breaking my heart.

I set my laptop down on the coffee table and shift myself closer to him. I wrap my arm around him in a soft embrace and he buries his head in my chest. He heaves out a few sighs before I start to feel his tears seeping through my shirt.

Most people wouldn’t have to be told twice to spend money on themselves, yet here he is going through a mild crisis because his family won’t let him spend the money to help them. I’ve seen Jimin give so much of himself and never ask for anything in return from anyone. Seeing how much it pains him to not be able to offer help is just a testament to how big his heart is.

“Maybe,” I start to suggest once it seems his tears have stopped flowing. “You can help them in a way that they can’t refuse.”

“What do you mean?” He asks looking up at me with his bottom lip poking out.

I have to pause for a moment because good lord he’s so irresistibly precious when his eyes get big and he pouts like the cutest little puppy kitty.

“Well,” I try to think. “What if you helped them secretly? You could ask your brother if he can help you.”

“But how?”

“Maybe send him to get groceries. If he buys it without them knowing they won’t be able to say no if the food is already in their kitchen, you know?”

“Hmm.”

“If there’s anything they need you can order online and get it sent to them. They won’t even have to know it’s from you. Then if those things are taken care of they’ll be able to focus on the bills.”

After thinking about everything that just came flying out of my mouth, I start to worry that maybe I’m overstepping a bit. He’s usually quiet about his home and family life and maybe this is why. He probably doesn’t want other people prying too deep and knowing too much of the negative things in his life.

His long pause is nerve wracking but I definitely think I may have overstepped.

“Sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to get in the mid-“

My sentence is cut short and it took me longer than it should have to figure out why. Jimin’s tear stained lips are pressed into mine searing his warmth into my entire face. Am I hallucinating?

He pulls away and looks at me while biting his bottom lip.

“That’s a really good idea,” he says softly.

I can’t even speak. My eyes are nearly out of their sockets and my jaw is on the floor. He’s not drunk. I’m not drunk. What the fuck was that? And then he’s just going to carry on like that was a totally normal thing to do?

“I-umm-yeah,” I sputter like a faulty engine. “Jimin, I-what…why? I mean…what?”

“Sorry,” he says retreating into his invisible turtle shell.

“No you don’t have to be sorry. At all.” He must not realize how much I enjoy tasting him. “I like-I mean, we did it before, so it’s like…ok. For me at least. If it’s ok for you?” I have not had a single drink today, but what the hell am I saying? Was this the best my brain could come up with?

“Oh? Really?” He says still biting his lip. “You-you’re ok with kissing?”

“Jimin.” I don’t know what else to say to him, but talking isn’t what I want to do anyway. I lean in and capture his lips, this time taking him by surprise. I pull my lips away, but only far enough to still feel the heat from his breath brushing across them.

“Mina,” he whispers against my lips. “Are we making a mistake?”

“Why would you think that? Do you…not want to do this?” I don’t know where his question is coming from but it’s taking a lot for me to ignore the feeling of my heart falling to the floor.

“I’m sorry,” he says averting his gaze but not moving away. “I don’t know how to sort my feelings out, but I’m scared. Of a lot.”

“Like what?”

“Like…what about Taehyung?”

“What about him?” I ask furrowing my brow. What does Taehyung have to do with anything?

“I just thought that maybe…you both are always…it’s just that-“

“Do you think me and Taehyung are together?” I almost want to laugh loudly in his face. What is he even on about?

“Well no, I don’t know.”

“We’re not together, Jimin. Tae and I are only friends and we’ve only ever been friends.”

“Oh, ok.”

“Does that take care of that fear? Because you can tell me all of your fears right now and I’ll sit here with you and work through each one.”

“Thanks,” he inches back a bit. “But my fears aren’t your burden.”

“So you’re just going to deal with them on your own? How is that going?”

He looks taken aback by the snark in my comment, and honestly I didn’t mean to make it sound that way, but I’m only trying to help him. One minute he’s flirting with me and the next he’s pushing me away, the emotional rollercoaster he sends me on is driving me crazy.

I’m even starting to think that I should have never let myself get this deep. I squashed my crush for him long ago and maybe I should have kept it that way. Because now I’ve got real feelings for him and his game of back and forth is making my chest tighten way more than it should.

“Look,” he says backing himself all the way to the back of the couch. “I appreciate you wanting to help, but-“

“But what?” I interrupt, still sounding a bit more irritated than I intend to. “Why won’t you let me help? We’ve known each other all this time, and we’ve spent even more time together lately. And we’ve kissed. Multiple times now. And you still won’t let me in. You still won’t open yourself even just a little bit so I can try to support you. It drives me crazy!”

He continues looking at me without saying anything else and for some reason that makes me even more upset. What kind of game is he trying to play with me? Is he just making excuses or something?

“If you’re not interested in me then just say that. It’s fine, but don’t keep me hanging on just to push me away whenever you feel like it! I’m not a fucking toy, Jimin!”

Before I can lay into him more out of frustration, Hoseok comes in with some takeout entirely unaware of what he just walked into.

“Hey, Mina!” He says shuffling to the kitchen to relieve himself of the food and whatever else he has from one of his many shopping trips. “Do you want some chicken? I was out and picked some up for dinner.”

“No thanks,” I say grabbing my things and standing up. “I was actually just about to leave. I’ll see you later.”

I don’t offer Jimin another glance and walk out without saying anything else. I haven’t even pulled out of my parking spot fully before tears start flowing from my eyes.

Why am I hurting so much right now?

[dzpenumbra]

7/30/23

I'm going to write this and then do yoga to wind down before bed. I'm... angry. I'm upset. So I'm going to just start with that and get that out and process those emotions before moving on to the positives.

If I never hear another person say "I'd love to help you with your work" and then fucking suggest I get into another line of work, it will be too soon. Get fucked. Seriously. I'm just really fucking done being polite about this. Get fucked. All of you.

"I came to you specifically because I love your art style, I always have!" (Has never bought a single one of my pieces, won't even go on to Instagram to see what work I've been up to since fucking college.) "You know, you should really get into graphic design. Then you can make your real work in your free time that you won't have because your commissions will take up all your time and creative energy now!"

Hey, guess what. If I wanted to learn a new medium right now, it would be 3D modelling, not fucking designing logos. If I wanted to design logos, and it was something that creatively called out to me, something that I didn't struggle with... I would probably start with MY OWN FUCKING BRANDING. But yeah, I'm just some hack dime-a-dozen wannabe artist who's just doodling and playing with hobby projects all day... who should get a "real job" like designing a label for Grandma Margaret's Jam or some shit. With a program I've never used. In a style I've never done.

Here's the fun part. You ready? Just the tip of the iceberg with the fun part, don't worry, it gets much better as it goes along. So... a huge defining line for me between working as a fine artist and working as a designer for someone else is... ready for it? I have to draw what they are looking for. They are not approaching me for my vision. They are approaching me for my version of their vision. However... 90% of these people are not creative enough to come up with shit that looks good enough that I'd want to put my name on it. That I even want to sink hours and hours into making it, and learning the techniques required to make it. It bores me. It is, by definition, uninspired.

I, as an artist, have a very broad stream of inspiration I'm working with right now. I have many projects being developed simultaneously right now, to the point where some have been put on hold (like two of the mini-Zen gardens). I'm already overwhelmed. And the advice I'm given... to help me with having too much inspiration and not enough time, resources or manpower to get them all done before more ideas start spewing out... and nowhere to put the finished pieces so that people can even find them... The advice is... "fill the majority of your time with making someone else's ideas." "Cut your studio hours in half (at least), fill the bulk of it with paid gigs where you draw someone else's 'cool idea', then squeeze in some 'fun time' to work on your cute little 'passion projects' on the side."

I said it gets better. You ready? Not only is graphic design arguably the most competitive artistic field in human history, but I am going into that field with a net total of about 4 hours of experience with the required medium. I do not have an eye for logo design, in fact... quite the opposite. I went over this on the phone today, I have no clue if he actually processed this. Logos really need to be simple and minimal, with reduced detail in order to be legible. Especially when being scaled. They tend to need to be low detail. My specialty is hand-crafting and detail work. I specialize in literally the opposite of this. And it makes me start to think he was just blowing smoke and fluffing me up in order to get me onboard by saying he wanted my art style. I'm not sure he entirely knows what artstyle is even going to work with what he's looking for.

Okay, I gave fair warning... here's the best part. Of all of the artistic jobs that are currently under threat of being lost to AI, this is by fucking miles the biggest. If there was any artistic field that would be obliterated by AI, it's graphic design. Why? Grandma Margaret can just go on that website and type in "jam label that says 'Grandma Margaret's Jam' that looks like _____". And an AI will instantly produce multiple drafts of that for her. For free.

What I'm getting at with all of this is... my friend contacted me for a task that, to me... is kind of the equivalent of me calling him up and asking him to help with a clogged sink. He works in pipe fabrication and specialty welding. I mean... it's all pipes... right? And offering to pay him for it. And when he says "sure, for a friend" and we get to talking about his business and he starts talking about how he's kinda struggling a bit to get things where they need to be in order to keep the bills paid, my way of "helping him" is to tell him he should quit his fucking job... do it as a hobby in his free time... and be a plumber.

Does he have a right to say "I don't want to be a plumber?" If his business is struggling, can he really afford to turn down taking on a primary gig of unclogging peoples' toilets?

Better than all that, let me just come out and say it. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS "HELP"? You know what helps an artist who has been struggling with mental health stuff that makes social interaction difficult? Help with the social side. Fucking DURRRR. How about you BUY A FUCKING PAINTING?! How about that? How about you get a piece of my original art, a piece of jewelry, maybe commission me to paint something on your guitar case? Something like that? And fucking show that shit off. You don't support a tattooist by telling them to get into fucking web design. That's how you create another website designer. Fucking imbiciles, I just don't understand how people make these logical leaps. I mean, it has to come from a lack of familiarity with the field. It has to. They must have no fucking clue how different freehand painting and carving wooden staves with hand-tools is from working in fucking Dreamweaver.

"Oh, you went to culinary school and trained to be a chef? And you're very talented? But you struggle with crippling social anxiety, agoraphobia and PTSD? Oh man, let me help you! Here, here's your help. Give up on being a chef and go be a fucking bartender."

Fuck you.

That doesn't even help me work towards my goals. In fact, it requires me to put my goals aside in order to focus on something else. And then I'll "learn to love it". And then 10 years later, I'll look at a calendar and see 2033 and see myself at 46 still barely squeezing in time to make my own work. Realizing I haven't drawn anything inspired by my own thoughts, my own inspiration, since X was called "Twitter".

That sounds like Hell.

I'll take my chances, thank you. I'd rather go get rejected at art galleries over and over than do that shit, thanks though.

And on top of this... and this is pretty par for the course for this guy... but he told me to plug my ears when we were in a social/business call... so he could shoot a fox with a .45 pistol with hollow point rounds. Because it had been fucking with his chickens. Here's an idea, Mr. Handyman. Build a better chicken coop.

I'm a bit upset that I was present for that. I love foxes. I really do. They get such a bad wrap. One of the last times I cried about something that wasn't the loss of a family member was witnessing the corpse of a fox in my old neighborhood that used to visit my house that got hit by a car. I was mortified. We had met in the driveway several times. Foxes are lovely animals. And he took it out with one shot, one handed while on the phone and bragged. And I just nodded and smiled and went along with it, blending in. I actually told him, if he felt up to it, I'd be willing to take some of its remains (pelt, teeth, claws, bones) to make something out of it. I'm not sure what, probably jewelry from teeth or claws, not sure about the fur, the bones would have to be cleaned but I could carve or paint them. His response? "I don't think there's much left of it, to be honest." Like... the most modern American answer imaginable.

It really upset me that he didn't even try there. And that he isn't entertaining the idea of potentially using a smaller caliber or a trap in order to... have the remains be usable. I don't like that he feels he needs to resort to killing it. Let's get that straight. I'm vegetarian, so I figure that would be implicit... But I do understand that he feels that's a more effective, practical solution for him. And I'm not willing to confront him on that. What did deeply upset me was that he didn't even make an effort to try to preserve the remains to show that animal respect. I really would like to find a way for us all to take a more "use every part of the buffalo" approach to life. It's so wasteful, so disrespectful, to not only treat that creatures life as though it is absolutely meaningless to you, but to overkill it in such a needlessly cavalier way and refuse to honor their remains by having them turned into something precious. How savage. The cowboys you mimic would be ashamed. The pioneer industrialists would give you a standing ovation. "Throw that in the garbage pile where it belongs."

Welp, don't be surprised if what you put out into the world - a smug sense of superiority, a lack of compassion or empathy, a detachment from ethics - ends up facing you someday. I don't know how I keep ending up face-to-face with these people. Maybe I just never filtered them out. I don't know.

In the past, I would've normalized his behavior. "Haha, that's just what he does." Now? I'm not going to stop him, I'm not going to shame him - it is not my role to play - but I'm absolutely not approving or downplaying. But man, if you've got any sense about you... I'd say the number one thing you do NOT want to piss off by being disrespectful? It's Nature. So... maybe show a little more respect?

So yeah... not really sure if he's still... "friend material". Maybe with limits? But I'll try to give his logo thing a shot. As a favor for a friend. A paid favor. But, to be completely honest... I don't want him going around and recommending me for graphic design. I do not enjoy this process. I don't like having to read the mind of a non-creative. I do not like having to submit endless drafts by a person who is acting like an artist, using me as their creative puppet. It's not enjoyable. It's not my work. And it's really not how my creative process functions. It's something that utilizes my trained skills that I've developed over the years, with little smidges of creative influence. And it's something very visible. So yeah, I don't mind if he tells people he got it done by a local artist who doesn't usually do this kind of stuff. In fact, that would make it much more special and impressive, so he can brag about it. And god knows, if it's one thing that man likes to do, it's brag and show off. Always has been. I just really hope he doesn't go around saying "you should get my friend to design blahblahblah for you". It's a very different thing than saying, "you should see my friend's art exhibit," or "you like that painting? It's one of a kind. My friend made it. You should check his shit out."

And on that note... I think I'm going to take down my derelict unused print shop finally. It cheapens my work. And, again, it's not what I do. It's a perfectly fine thing to do if your intention is to make prints. But my intention has never been to make prints, it has been to make one-of-a-kind pieces. I was peer-pressured into selling prints. And only sold single prints to... the people who peer-pressured me. Oh fuck. So... Wow... Okay... So... I pulled up my sales on that shop. I only sold one duplicate. A mandala I made for my aunt, which was purchased by my aunt, and by my mom. So... Jesus Christ, the reality of this really hurts. That piece. That I made for my cancer survivor aunt, but my mom wanted a copy and convinced me to scan it so they both got prints from an online print shop... that piece netted me $20, it took me at least 6 hours to make. A mechanical dragonfly piece that I drew for my younger brother as a tattoo design but he "didn't want"... was bought for $11. One of my trademark pieces, a realistic chipmunk that I drew in college... I sold one to my brother and one to my Mom. I never should have cloned that piece, it's too special, it's 15 years old. It has netted me $20 total. And a copy of the tattoo design that I made for the ex-wife of this friend I'm doing graphic design for, that was sold to my former best friend for $10. So... total, my body of work from this print shop has netted me about $60 since the start of the pandemic. Ready for the mind-fuck?

The chipmunk original... could likely go for over $2000. Alone. More, if someone valued it higher. That's how art works. The mandala? Maybe $150? I don't know about that one. I'm not very good with pricing at all. Point being - all of these pieces were bought by family members or former friends. All of them were bought for pennies, only two of them were duplicates. So... if one of them had bought one of my original pieces... I would've made probably bare minimum 3x the amount that I ended up making total for all of them. And it would not have made any negative difference, that original is just sitting in a fucking portfolio right now. As long as that piece has a good home where the owner loves it, that's where it belongs.

But I live in a world where people don't value my art. They don't mind buying a cheap copy, but they don't want the original. I have personally been witness to my own pieces being propped up in a closet next to a litterbox and draped over a rocking chair in a hallway with a hole torn in the middle, and shoved in the back of barn with scrap wood.

I don't need to ask people "how can you help me?" I don't think I ever have, honestly. I can tell them very clearly how to support me. Buy my shit. And be a goddamn fan. Stop being a fake fan. Show a genuine interest in what I do. Ask me if there is any story behind the mandala on my skateboard. Guess what? There is for every fucking piece. Hell, ask me what the fuck I'm working on! Tell your friends about how cool my work is.

You know what's depression fuel? Having to explain to people how to support you as a creator... right after they've sung the praises of another one. I don't have to teach this guy how to sing the praises of his favorite tool company, or his favorite brand of survival gear, or his favorite beer or cigarettes, or his favorite restaurant. Or, bringing this more back in-genre, his favorite podcast or music. You don't need to coach someone on how to share things that they genuinely enjoy. Because... they do it willingly. So... you get where I'm going here? When they say that? It very overtly, to my face, tells me that they don't like my shit. That they say they like my shit, but they don't even know what I do, and really aren't willing to put in the time or effort to even find out what I do. They just know that I can "draw good" and if I draw for a company that's already established, or get a drawing on a fucking beer can or something, that equals $$$. That's all. That's all they process. And they look at me like I'm stupid for continuing to pursue my career, my life, rather than follow their out-of-nowhere unsolicited career-swap idea. When all they'd need to do to help my business? And help my life as a whole... Is to be a good friend.

How deeply, deeply sobering.

Welp, until he brings up "The Path" unprompted... I'm going to charge him full price. And I'll have to brainstorm what that number actually is. Not a smart idea to tell me you get paid $90/hour... while in a business meeting where you're going to be paying me... That fox's life alone is gonna tack a few hundred onto the end of this gig.

All of that said... it was good to talk to someone again. And he did seem... generally supportive. He saw my side with how I got scammed by the dealership and lost my car. He was sympathetic about how the old house I was renting was falling apart and filled with mold and how that was fucking with my health. He seemed optimistic about me living in an area with more younger creative people.

He just seemed more concerned with sharing his opinions than asking questions, so... yeah. That's a thing. I'm sure he's having quite a few relationship problems because of that nasty trait.

So... I'm not going to take that too close to heart. He means well, but if he's not helping me pursue my goals... then he's trying to set new ones for me. And that's not support, that's coercion. I learned that from my family! Yay! They actually taught me something! Supporting your artist/musician son by saying "of course you can make your art... in your free time... but in the meantime you need to get a 'real job', like working in the stock market, like we happen to do and consider a 'real job'." Yeah man... um... that's supporting someone to do something you want them to do... not what they want to do... that's not... support... it's more of a veiled threat. The veil being - the generosity. The threat being - if you pursue art full time, we will not support you. And they get away with it by just acting as though being a full-time artist is... not a career. But convincing your friends to give you their hard earned money, so you can just... give that money to brokers to invest it in successful companies... and taking a slice off the top for choosing those companies? Now that is a career. That's a "real job".

I'm sure people have differing schools of thought on that respective to what kind of family they grew up in... I am firmly standing by that statement. If your child wants to be a firefighter, and you say "maybe you can be a firefighter in your free time..." You are not supporting their goals. You are literally telling them to put it on the backburners and find something else to do. Something more realistic. That's not support. That's not helping them come up with a plan. That's not quantifying resources. That's not finding out what you have to offer, seeing what social resources or connections you can provide. It's saying "I don't believe you are going to succeed at that, but I don't think you should give up entirely... I just think you should give up... mostly."

And here's the thing. Adam Duff said it really well, it stuck with me really fucking deep and it's been ringing through my head for days now. Being an artist is not just a job, it's a way of experiencing life. That's not just fruity language or a fun little quote to throw out there in a conversation to "sound deep". That's a literal truth. The way that artists experience life itself, they way we think, the way we learn. It deviates from the norm. We are different. And that is what makes us gifted. That is our gift, our unique vision of the world. Our unique voice, our unique perception, our unique way of thinking. Our identities are what make us artists.

This is not just technical skill. It's a way of thinking and expressing yourself. The conversation you have with an CPA is going to be vastly different from the conversation you have with a fine artist. Why the fuck wouldn't it be?! So when you take an artist and you cram them into a place in life where their creative flow, their way of thinking, their way of living... gets in the way? What the fuck do you think is going to happen?

You're going to get problems. You're going to get failure to meet deadlines. You're going to hit barriers in mutual understanding. You're going to get people wandering around daydreaming on the job. You're going to get existential crises.

Okay, let's connect to a point from earlier. (The dog next door has been barking for at least 20 minutes now, and it's 1:30 AM. I feel so bad for the poor thing.) So... if being a "traditional artist" (I fucking hate that term, just say art for all of it) is actually still a real job... a viable career... I'm simply not going to get support, and the "support" I get is a recommendation to get into graphic design. So... let's say I'm dumb enough to do that, to give up my creative calling and adopt someone else's. I get into graphic design. I get a bunch of commissions, but in 2 years - fuck it, look at how fast ChatGPT blew up, let's give it 1 year - in 1 year, AI graphic design is the new hot thing. Squarespace has their hands in it, Adobe has their hands in it. Graphic designers are dropping left and right. So... what are those graphic designers supposed to do with their now obsolete job? Hmm? I'll tell ya. Go make fucking coffee, bud. Until they smarten up and turn those into self-serve machines.

Yeah yeah, "they took our jobs!" I know. But this is actually happening. And... I was just the other day expressing such deep relief that I don't work in digital art. That my forms of creative expression are so far from being replaced. Because I'm doing the opposite of what AI is built to do. I don't use the most modern tools... in fact, a lot of the time I don't even use tools at all. I do not aim to produce work as fast as possible, I give it all the time and attention it calls for until the piece itself is satisfied. Like a good lover should. <wink> I do not aim to mass-produce work. I focus on individuality, character and end up with a one-of-a-kind product that has an actual story behind it, that has a soul. And, most importantly, I do not rely on user input to create a piece. My work comes from inspiration, from my connection to my own subconscious and the collective unconscious. All I have to do is keep that connection clear and be willing and ready to capture the ideas when they come to me.

THAT is what I do. THAT is what I have been doing since I was a teenager. And I'm getting really fucking good at it. I literally do it in my sleep.

Again, this is not to besmirch other forms of creativity, every medium and process has its place and every one is valuable. This is simply the form that meshes best with me, that has created my best works. This is the process and form of work that leaves me looking at pieces I did years ago in awe and joy. Like, "I did that. I finished it. I made that real. I brought that into the world." I can't even explain the level of healthy pride that I felt when I finished The Path. So much that I rewatched it yesterday (or today, it's all blending together due to sleep deprivation) and it brought a tear to my eye. Even the music I wrote for that piece is fucking... it's just all right where it belongs.

And I simply feel like the people in my life do not even really understand what it is that I do. Thus... who I am. And, they clearly do not see value in what I do... otherwise they would... watch my videos... or listen to my music... or read my poetry book... and want to have my art... or at least support me on Patreon or something... So... if they don't see value in my art... and my art is a reflection of my experience of life... they would surely struggle to see value in me. And they clearly picture me as... a person who does graphic design. And... I am not. I am not a graphic designer. I'm just a good friend who is willing to go outside my comfort zone for a friend, and for a personal challenge.

So yeah, despite the several setbacks... the conversation was not bad. We were able to get some headway and I was able to get a clearer vision of what he's looking for. I hope. I got Illustrator and started mocking something up. I... of course... started doing it all manually, line by line. Then... after I finished the lion's share of the work, found a bunch of shortcuts to clone stuff. And... I went to it like a moth to a flame. And then spent like 2 hours trying to figure out how to use these processes... to clone details... to turn what would be like... 1-2 hours straight of detail drawing into literal seconds. And I just... didn't know how to do it. I couldn't figure it out. Even with googling.

I made progress with it, but like... it just got frustrating. And I just really feel... this clash. Graphic design and logos and shit are supposed to be about like... being sleek and clean and legible from both close up and a distance. And the piece he wants would look great with lots of detail. I had so many ideas that were detail based. Realism styles, lots of shading, lots of color. But... it's going to end up looking like an ink-stamp. Because it's a letterhead logo, and a t-shirt logo. So... yeah. If I put too much detail in, it gets lost on the letterhead. If I put too little, it looks bland on the t-shirt. It's just a very different language than I've ever really thought in. It's definitely a challenge. And... the end result is not going to reflect "my style" at all. So yeah, it's a confusing situation. But I made progress, quite a bit, actually.

I just really need to make sure I don't put the skateboard on the backburner for this. I have to finish at least the mandala, so I can actually go out and skate. I need the exercise and the stress release.

Hmm. I came out of that conversation feeling like it was a good conversation and nice to catch up with a friend, but looking back at my reaction here? I guess it was actually mostly not good. Quite a few red flags there. I want to say... "I don't think he's a bad guy, I'm just not ethically in the same place as him in some places, we're very different people, and I think he's a bit self-centered and doesn't really seem very empathetic." I'm genuinely unsure if this unqualifies him as a good potential friend. I mean, he did seem on my side with the car dealership thing, and the old house falling apart, but... he didn't entirely ask about that. He just kinda asked how I ended up here. I don't know. I'm just trying to be cautious. I fear I have been a bad judge of character in the past... because all of my past friends turned out to be eerily similar to this... and... I'm seeing those similarities pretty clearly. So... yeah. We'll see.

I cant' tell if I was blinded by reconnection, the whole Ace of Cups emotional blinding of reconnecting with an old friend... so that I overlooked the bad things that happened... or if my hangups with the bad things that happened are making it harder for me to see the potential here. I don't know. It's clearly both, but the proportion is pretty important.

I'll try to sleep on it. I only got like 5 hours of sleep, after 2 the night before. I need to do yoga and go to bed. But hey, at least my entire apartment got spotlessly cleaned for an hour and a half phone call, right?

I re-read this back. I need to find a positive note to end this on.

I went way outside of my comfort zone. And socialized. And tried a new program and actually reached success, I got a successful sketch mockup in a new piece of software on day one. And it's actually pretty damn decent. That's big. And... and... I did that on massive sleep debt. And the only fuck-ups I made was... I may have been too nice. Too forgiving. (story of my life) Wow, my depression really needed to get a word in there... XD That's not bad. I'm usually really insecure about all that. But I did a bang-up job. I showed up on time, I brought my A-game, I went above and beyond. I drew up 2 pages of concept sketches and notes unprompted. I went super in-depth. I asked all the right questions. So... from a professional angle? I did a spectacular job. From a friend angle? Maybe I would have better results with friends that align with my ethical values and goals a bit more? Maybe keep it more at an acquaintance level? That sounds like a fair compromise. And now that I've cultivated more confidence, I can try to go to the model drawing session.

OH MY GOD, HOW DID I FORGET TO SHARE THIS! Okay, so I did the deep tissue massage last night. 2 hours on just my feet, shins and calves. XD My Soleus muscles are just... fucked. Good lord. They're so tender and tight. I could barely walk after. I'm still sore. I'm going to wait at least a week before going back in for more. But they actually started loosening up. But man, that process was just... so intense. I had to dig really deep into my muscles, find the spots that I were just like "nope", and then take a breath and just work those spots until I didn't feel it anymore. And it worked. Until my hands started giving out and I was just getting wiped from all of it after 2 hours.

But I had the idea of bringing up anatomy pictures to help jog my memory of what I was working with under the skin, and to make sure I was getting all the muscles. To get an anatomy refresher as I went. And it really helped. And the picture I chose was a picture from a study guide for people studying to get qualified for massage therapy. XD And it actually passed through my mind... "could I do that?" And I honestly... I mean, that would be good money. And I would be really good at it. And it would be great for my knowledge and study of anatomy for my art. (that's what jogged my memory, the figure drawing classes and anatomy study) But that would be a gigantic plunge for me as far as social anxiety and physical intimacy goes. To go from struggling to shake peoples' hands to... massaging mostly naked strangers? I don't know. I mean, nudity is barely even a sexual thing for me at this point, it's not a problem with that at all. It's just how insanely sensory overwhelming it is for me to be in physical contact with other living beings, it has been all my life - it's a big part of why I bond so insanely deeply with people I have been physically close with. But it's something to think about. One of 50,000 potential side-gigs, along with guiding barefoot hikes, doing tarot readings, hosting improvised drawing groups, being a creative coach/mentor, giving lessons, shit like that. The more on the pile, the better. Then, if the opportunity comes along for any of them, fuck yeah. (note that graphic design and web design are not on the list... XD)

Okay, yeah, so... I'm absolutely seeing the value of anatomy study and refreshers with that, and that's making me feel much better about going to one of those model drawing sessions. I might see when the next one is and try to go. :) That's a good note to end on.