#I know I’m not an art account but I felt bad not giving y’all shit

[2dorn0t2d]

Mexican Murdoc canon cos I said so.

There’s more but I’m too lazy to draw it properly

[kainumbernine009]

I literally cannot do anything else until I get this out.

I’m... really not okay.

And when I say that, I’m not mentally unstable. I say that because I’m tired of waiting on empty promises, I’m tired of never having money in our account, I’m tired of living in a fucking city where half of the white people fucking worship the ground Trump walks on, and where most of the gay community has so much messy drama that it’s worse than middle school. And I went to a rough middle school.

I never talk about my past, because I don’t like to. It sucked. HARD. Being and only child in my family was nothing less than torture, especially as a closeted queer person. We grew up in the white Christian part of Nashville that dominated Music Row in the 90′s and early 2000′s. I played basketball with Alan Jackson’s daughter, and being around famous people was just no big deal. But, my parents decided to leave Nashville after my dad lost his job at TPAC, and we moved down south an hour to the town where the KKK got started (Pulaski, TN).

I had maybe two non-white people in my private Christian school growing up. I was never afraid of Black people, but my parents showed their racist asses quick when we moved there. The KKK has never left America, guys, no matter how many articles you read or studies you do. From 2005 to 2009 I saw a white town show its very worst to the Black community. I’ll never forget the first time I saw a march for “White Christians for Purity” the summer before Obama got elected. The disgust I felt inside was palpable. I had all kinds of friends in school, and I didn’t give TWO SHITS who they were or what they looked like... but I saw children my age, being brainwashed by their parents, that “white” is “right.”

Ever since then, I have been learning and growing about the issues of race. I remember my white classmates using the N word and getting away with it. I remember hearing about the principal at the high school punishing all the Black kids but not the white kids. I remember being invited to a church south of town that was a historically Black church, and how nice the ladies were to me for coming.

But I’ll never forget the racism that the religious groups promoted there, especially First Baptist Church and the 12 Tribes. I’ll never forget how FBC told me that my friend was going to Hell because she killed herself. I’ll never forget my mom telling me not to marry a Black man because of “impure genes.” I WILL NEVER FORGET THE INJUSTICES I SAW WHITE PEOPLE DOING TO BLACK PEOPLE THERE. NEVER.

And thank God, I have shaken the burden of religious guilt, but I still fight against this mentality. I live in a place that’s usually not even 10 minutes away from Trump-humping, sister-fucking, meth-addicted Confederate cunts in any direction. And we’re even closer to the rich white people who silently supported him, upset that their taxes would go up because of Biden.

And in the past four years since Trump got elected, I’ve gotten married, graduated college with honors, started my own photography business, and was making more than my husband there for a minute. I did my own taxes, marketing, editing, and everything. And then I came out as trans.

I lost everything.

I lost my studio. I lost friends. I had rumors started about me. I had people post hate messages on my wall. I had people at my drag shows tell others not to tip me, for whatever fucking reasons. I’ve had bosses give cis people jobs over me, and I’ve had government workers give me second looks when I hand them my license.

It. Fucking. Sucks. To. Live. Here. Like. This.

Oh yeah, did I mention I’m also a witch/medium? I’ve talked to dead people before and have told their relatives things I shouldn’t have known otherwise about their grandparents. Like, this information doesn’t even exist on Google. And I’m attuned to reiki. I’m always aware of what’s happening on at least SOME metaphysical level. This is a gift that I’ve had to go through life developing and learning about myself, with no one’s help but me.

I didn’t even know until I was an adult that I have autism and ADHD.

I’ve taken bullets from people who were about to kill themselves. I’ve yelled at 5th grade music classrooms for doing racist dance moves and appropriating Native Americans (I have a degree in Music Education K-12). I’ve consoled kids in classrooms who suddenly have panic attacks. AND I’ve told horny teenagers to stay in their fucking lane and respect the girls around them. I’ve apparently been an inspiration to those around me, but inspiration NOR exposure pays the bills. I’ve already had COVID, and so has my husband, but I knew that after graduating college that I would never have a fulfilling life being a music teacher in Tennessee’s public schools.

And now that we have COVID, and an orange, small-dicked, pedophilic, rape apologizing, dirty, crusty white president who STILL REFUSES TO CONCEDE, who is DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING HIS FOLLOWERS SEND DEATH THREATS TO MY FAMILY, I really don’t know what the fuck else to do other than go burn down all the houses I know of in North Georgia that belong to these Christian sex cult pedophiles and call it a day. My girlfriend unfortunately was born into one of those families, and I know just how bad it can get. In fact, her dad’s lawyer threatened me with blackmail earlier in November, so that was fun!

And now, on December 11, 2020, I’m still sitting here in the same fucking house, doing the same fucking things I’ve been doing all year - trying to get a job and failing horribly. I’M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS COVID BULLSHIT AND OUR INCOMPOTENT CUNT OF A PRESIDENT! And there’s only ever one other person I’ve ever called a cunt... my own mother.

I’ve lived in many places. I’ve met many different people. I’ve made mistakes, and have grown, but there’s one thing for damn sure that I always make sure to do, every single fucking day.

I ALWAYS try to do better.

In addition to this, I treat everyone with the same amount of respect, unless they have done something directly to me to negate that. If I know that someone believes in something that directly harms me or my family, I don’t even associate with them. I don’t spend my energy on things that don’t need it. And everyone else should, too.

The problem with some of y’all is that you care about the wrong things. Like will Becky text me back or did I get front row seats to that concert, or did I slave my life away to capitalism just so that I can own a Mercedes and have my friends jealous. I’ve had way too many dear death experiences to know that EVERY single fucking day is a gift. EVERY day.

I don’t want to be remembered first for the art I create. I want to be remembered for my character. I want to be remembered as the courageous person who never backed down in the face of adversity. But when you live in a place that already hates you and that is against you, that’s really fucking hard. Trust me. My marriage went from a cis straight passing couple to a white gay passing couple. I’ve seen how people’s attitudes changed around me as I transitioned. I know what it feels like to slowly lose a piece of your privilege you were born with.

So yeah, I kinda get a little fucking upset when I see people saying All Lives Matter, or when I see doctors refusing to treat trans patients in pandemics, or when I see cops YET AGAIN harassing Black people only a few blocks away from my house for no other reason than racism. And at this point, anyone who thinks they know me but only knows what people think they know about me can suck my entire ass and eat ten dicks. I don’t give a FUCK about who you are or what you’ve done. If you treat me or other people with no respect for no reason other than to be an asshole, you’re just plain shit. If you SERIOUSLY believe every little rumor and lie that someone tells about me before meeting me, fuck you AND the horse you rode in on.

What I can’t stand is people doing or saying things just to get a rise out of me or others. I thought we left petty shit in high school. Some of the people that “know” me really need to fucking grow up and grow a pair and either say what they want to my face, or stay mad. I’m tired of playing fucking petty games with y’all. We have a whole ass pandemic to solve.

So here’s the ultimatum... if you agree that Black Lives Matter and that queer people deserve basic human rights, EVEN THE ONES YOU HATE, then that’s the bare minimum to even be a decent person. If you can’t even do those things, then I don’t fucking know what else to say to you.

So NBC, maybe not have John Mulaney joke about my license debacle with my gold van on SNL, and Seth Meyers... maybe HIRE ME INSTEAD of Mulaney because clearly y’all don’t know about the south as much as I do? Oh, and that gazeebo joke with Lee University... I caught that. I may have autism, but I’m not a fucking idiot. I mean. I’m funny when I’m given the chance. And yeah, I’m on a watchlist, but who the fuck isn’t these days? At least all my secrets are out for the world to see, and I have a bangin’ tattoo.

I’m tired of everyone being like “omg, I’ve seen what he can do, it’s fantastic!” or “omg you’re so funny haha” and bragging on me and then NOT FUCKING HIRING ME. I’m TIRED of waiting on something that’s clearly at this point never coming.

I don’t even have testicles, and my balls are bigger than most of the cis men I have EVER met.

So, if you want to help me, or hire me, or get me out to an audition... I’ll be there. But until then, I’m so fucking MAD at some of these producers. Yeah, my mom is a cunt, but she worked in various forms of digital production from the 1980′s until she retired this year. She taught me SO MUCH about directing, writing, shooting, and more. I know how these things are supposed to run behind the scenes. I know what the fuck I’m doing, and I don’t take constructive criticism like a bitch. I actually WANT to be criticized, so I can do even better.

So PLEASE, for the love of Christ... y’all need to get your priorities together AND PLEASE STOP LEAVING ME OUT OF THE LOOP WITH THIS BULLSHIT. Grow a fucking pair and either call me, email me, or leave me alone. It’s really not that fucking hard. Looking at you, Lorne Michaels.

Oh and someone tell my husband what the fuck’s been going on because I’m tired of him gaslighting me about it.

[norequestimagines]

Safeguard [Pt. 2]

TW: domestic violence, smut

Thank you all for all the love on part one! Please go easy on me here, it’s my first time writing smut of any kind and it’s not very detailed. I tried lmao I hope y’all enjoy!

Josh helped my shaky body into the front seat of his truck before running around and getting in on the other side. The drive was quiet. I just didn’t know what to say. Being in his truck again felt like home and so uncomfortable simultaneously. There was so much left unsaid between us after the breakup, and now that such an emotional bomb had gone off, I just felt… overwhelmed. 

“Hey, me again. I’m not mad or anything, Josh, I just want to make sure you’re okay. You said you’d be home at 7; it’s 9 now and I haven’t heard a thing from you or any of the guys… Kinda starting to freak out, here. I love you, okay? I hope you’re home soon.” 

I’d texted him three times, called twice, and left one voicemail. Josh was forgetful, sure, but he wasn’t one to leave me waiting up with no explanation. He always shot me a quick “heading out with Seth and Boone, be home late!” text or at the very least had one of his buddies let me know, in the event his phone died or he left it at the arena. He’s never left me hanging like this before, and especially not on a night like tonight; our three year anniversary. 

We’d agreed to do something low key this year. The past two years had been big nights out but both of us had been so busy with work we just wanted to take some time for a night in. I’d ordered food from our favorite restaurant and made sure the house had a relaxing, romantic but low key ambiance to it. Way too much time was spent perfecting my hair into beach waves. My outfit was simple; distressed skinny jeans and a chunky white cardigan. He’d said more than once that even though I looked incredible in a gown for his charity events and award ceremonies, that his favorite thing to see me in was an outfit like this, because it’s what he wants to come home to for the rest of his life. I just wish he’d come home now. 

As I began to pack the food away, too sick with worry to eat any of it, my anxious mind began to wander. I started to put everything in the fridge and imagined all the terrible things that could’ve happened. What if he got into a car accident? Or he forgot to tell me he was going out with the guys and got into a bar fight and got arrested? What if he just completely forgot about tonight altogether? No, Josh would never forget our anniversary. But if he didn’t forget, he must be in jail or the hospital. 

Attempting (and failing) to keep myself too busy to worry, I was folding laundry when I heard a door open and shut. 

“Josh?!” I leapt out of my seat and ran to the living room where my boyfriend (who appeared safe and healthy and un-incarcerated) stood, hanging his jacket on the coat rack. 

“Hey.” he muttered, not even looking up to face me. 

I furrowed my brows, confused by the way he was acting. He was like this after a bad game sometimes but they didn’t have a game at all today. “Are you okay? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you; you had me worried, honey.”

“M’fine. Gonna go take a shower.” He trudged up the stairs and I figured it best to give him some space before prying. 

Once I heard the shower shut off, I made my way upstairs to try to unpack whatever was weighing him down. He was sitting on his side of the bed in a pair of sweats, facing our bedroom window with his head held in his hands.

“You want to talk about it?” I asked, my voice just above a whisper.

“No.” 

I wasn’t really sure where to go from here. Josh was never this cold with me. I slowly made my way to the bed, crawling to sit behind him before wrapping both my legs and arms around his middle. 

“Where were you, baby? I was so worried.”

“Can I just have ten god damn minutes?!” He stood and held his hands up, clearly frustrated. With what, I didn’t know. 

“I… Josh, I didn’t mean to…” I was at a loss. We’d gotten annoyed with each other, sure. What couple didn’t have arguments? But in the three years we’d been together, he’d never raised his voice at me. “It’s just, we made plans for tonight, and when you didn’t show up, I thought something had happened to you. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah, Kara, I couldn’t really care less right now about our stupid plans, alright? I know I skipped out on our anniversary. But maybe I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t cheated on me.”

I could do nothing but stare at him doe-eyed. It had never crossed my mind since meeting Josh to even look at another man, let alone do anything with one. I loved him so much I wasn’t sure I could ever be with anyone else again. 

“Josh, what are you talking about?” I whimpered, tears already forming in my eyes. 

“Don’t play fucking stupid. You got caught, alright? Just own up to it.” He looked at me like I was gum on the bottom of his shoe.

“I didn’t get caught because I didn’t do anything!”

“Oh, yeah? The explain Riley.”

Riley. That name automatically sent me to a dark place.

Riley and I met in high school. He ran with the popular crowd, I guess, but it’s not like he was captain of the football team or anything. He was just well liked. Funny and smart and kind to everyone, regardless of their popularity. We started talking when we were paired up during a project for art class. He was sweet; would always carry my books and walk me to class, sometimes even surprising me with a coffee or flowers at my locker in the morning. But, all that glitters isn’t always gold. 

After we went to junior prom together, Riley and I began to get more serious. Over the summer, he’d convinced me to write off all of my friends because he just loved spending time with me so much, he wanted to spend it all with me. I quit the dance team because the form fitting costumes we wore made Riley uncomfortable. For a long time, found it endearing he cared so much. Until we left for college.

We both went to Ohio State and during sophomore year, we rented our first house together. That’s when things with Riley started turning really sour. I was expected to text Riley all day, every day, whether I was in a lecture, trying to take notes, or at work, trying to wait tables. My friends all had to be female, and if we ever went out, Riley had to come with, and had to approve my outfits before I was allowed to leave the house. One night, a guy from my chemistry class asked if he could come over to copy my notes from a day of class he missed. That was the first time Riley hit me. 

It only got worse from there. He’d come to my work, ordering drinks all night from across the restaurant while watching me. When I talked too kindly with a customer, I’d get punished. If I sat next to a male in class or stood too close to a male at a football game, I’d get punished. He stayed clear of my face and arms, but my ribs and legs were constantly littered with bruises from where he’d hit and kicked me.

I deserved it. Riley convinced me of that. I didn’t love him enough and this was my punishment. 

I didn’t seek help, myself. One night, Riley got sloppy and hit me across the face, resulting in a black eye. I covered as best I could with makeup the next morning before class but the guy from chemistry noticed. He’d text me during class for weeks, asking if I was okay, and if I needed help. Two weeks after the black eye, when Riley broke two of my ribs with his steel toed boots. The next morning, after Riley had left for work, I texted the guy from chem. “I need help.”

His mom had been a survivor of domestic abuse. She worked for the state now and gave me all the help I needed to get away from Riley. He was sent to jail for a while, and I went to therapy for years, trying to understand that this wasn’t my fault and I didn’t deserve it. I now had a restraining order against him and he hadn’t bothered me in years. 

“Riley?! How do you even know that name?! Josh, I don’t know what the fuck is going on but I swear on my life I have never cheated on you!”

He scoffed, pulling up instagram on his phone. “Swear on this.” He threw his phone next to me on the bed.

I picked up the phone with shaking hands. 

I saw Riley’s instagram account. There were pictures of him at work or with his family, but I also saw pictures of the two of us taken in college being posted as if they were taken now. Me sitting across from him in coffee shops and us holding hands in the streets of downtown Columbus. Captions reading, “if only you knew how much i loved you” and “can’t wait to see her again”. Tears began pouring freely down my face. 

“Josh, no. No, no, no, you don’t understand. This isn’t… He’s-”

“Just fuckin’ let it go, Kara. I found you out.” He snatched his phone out of my hands. “Some fan DM’d me his page and he and I had a nice, lengthy chat about the two of you. I can work through a lot of shit, Kar, but this?! I can’t move past this. I’m done. I’ll find somewhere else to stay for the night. Try not to be here when I get back.”

Before I could even process what had just happened, he was out of the room, slamming the door behind him hard enough to shake the walls. I heard his truck start up and drive away. 

I curled up in a ball and cried until I ran out of tears. I knew better than to try and call or text Josh. He needed to cool off and I needed to respect his space. I wrote him a letter before anything else, explaining my side of things. How Riley and I met and what he did to me. How I had a restraining order against him. How much I hated him and didn’t understand why he was doing this. I was so emotional while writing it, I can hardly remember what it said. I remember crying while writing it, my tears smudging the ink. After I’d gotten everything written down, I folded it up and slid it into an envelope, lying it on top of his pillow. He could read it whenever he was ready and that was the best I could do. Then, I packed a bag, called Boone, and hadn’t seen or heard from Josh since. Just like that. 

Riley had sent me a DM after the incident, asking if he could meet me for coffee so we could talk things over. He had orchestrated this entire thing in an effort to get Josh away from me. It was a breach of the restraining order, but I didn’t want to stir things up. I just wanted the entire mess to go away. I ignored the message and a week later, he showed up at my work. I went into a full panic attack and called the police. He was in custody and I was pressing charges. I just wished I wasn’t going through it alone. I wanted Josh to be there, to stand behind me and quiet my mind when it got too loud. But he was nowhere to be found.

He never called. He never texted. I had no idea if he’d even read the letter or not. Boone said Josh refused to talk about anything having to do with me whatsoever. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad But it’d been two months of me moping around and being afraid of my own shadow, so when Boone begged me to go out, I agreed. I needed to feel something. 

Lost in my memories, I hadn’t noticed the route we had taken. We were across town from my new apartment. We were at our place. Well, Josh’s place. 

“What are we-”

“I just… figured you wouldn’t want to be alone tonight. That’s all.” He twiddled his thumbs against the steering wheel and bit his lip. 

“Thank you.” 

His eyes flashed to me quickly and widened. I assume he was expecting me to ask him to take me home, but as much as I hated to admit it, he was right. I had no interest in being alone right now.

Everything in the house was exactly the same. It’d been two months and he hadn’t even moved my scarf from the coat rack. Pictures of us still sat upon shelves. Even the Christmas decorations we’d put up together remained on the walls. 

“You should take a shower, uh, clear your head. I’ll take the guest room.”

“You don’t have to do that, Josh. I can shower down here and take the guest room. You’ve already done more for me tonight than I could ever ask for.”

“Kara, please, just… just take our room, alright? I mean, my room. Or, uh... “ His hand moved to run through his hair and scratch the back of his neck, a nervous habit he’s had since we met. 

An uncomfortable silence came upon us and I wanted to leave the area as quickly as I could.

“I’ll uh, I’ll take your bed.” Carefully, I walked upstairs as if the ground was made of glass. 

I stood under scalding hot water for an hour after scrubbing every inch of my body, making sure to get every microbe from that creep off of me. Josh hadn’t even moved my soap, but craving familiarity and comfort, I opted to use his instead. The scent of cedar filled my nostrils, momentarily making me forget that ash tray scented prick from earlier. 

Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around myself before noticing a few folded pieces of clothing on the counter that weren’t there when I got in. Sitting on top of them was a scratch piece of paper.

Closest I have to anything of yours. -J.

He left a pair of black sweats and a massive Columbus Blue Jays shirt. My favorite one that I’d stolen on more occasions that I could count. I smiled to myself before slipping his shirt on and leaving the sweats on the counter. 

Being back in the bed felt odd. I was relatively used to sleeping in it alone from Josh going on road trips, but this was different. We’d never slept separately while in the same house before. Not even after a fight. We’d always curl up back to back and halfway through the night, he’d wrap around me, apologizing before kissing my neck and falling asleep. Couldn’t do that from downstairs, now could he? And of course, my mind ran a mile a minute, thinking of everything that could’ve happened tonight if Josh hadn’t been there. If he’d still been sick or knew I was going and wanted to avoid me. My restless body found itself tip-toeing down the stairs. 

Raising my hand to knock on the guest room door, it opened before my knuckles could come into contact with it. His blue eyes widened at the sight of me. “I was just heading up to check on you.”

“I can’t um… C-can I sleep with you? I mean, just, I’m so jumpy and every little noise is- you know what? This is stupid, I’m sorry.” I scoffed and turned to head back upstairs. 

“It’s not stupid Kar, you went through some crazy shit. C’mere.”

We laid next to each other in silence. As weird as it was to be in our old bed without him, this was even more uncomfortable. 

“Are you okay? I mean, I know what he did was fucked up but he didn’t physically hurt you, did he?”

“No, no, you uh, you came in time. I’m okay.”

“Good.”

Another minute or two passed and my mind began to wander again.

“Josh, if you hadn’t been there…”

“Hey, come on, you can’t think like that. I was there, and you’re okay. That’s all that matters.”

I looked over at him in the moonlight and took a sharp intake of breath. I just couldn’t stop replaying it in my head. 

“Oh, Kara, honey.” I was pulled into his chest and began taking deep breaths, willing myself to keep it together. “I told you I’d always be here for you and I meant it, alright? Nothing is ever going to happen to you.”

I lifted my head, my sight flickering between his eyes and his lips. Inching forward, I swallowed nervously, afraid of rejection. Instead, Josh gently brushed a strand of damp hair behind my ear and slowly pulled me up to meet him.

The instant our lips touched, I felt fireworks in my stomach and moaned at the contact. I missed him so much. The kiss grew quickly, two months of not even speaking to each other catching up with us quickly. It turned from slow and hesitant to heated and passionate quickly. I began to run my hand down his clothed chest, pushing hands underneath his shirt and lifting it slightly. 

“Kara, wait-” 

“Please.” I whimpered. “I don’t want him to be the last man who’s touched me.”  I kissed him gently, bumping his nose with mine. “Please make me feel safe, Josh.”

He hesitated for a moment but claiming my lips again with his. Slowly, he used one hand to lift the shirt from my body, tossing it into the darkness while moving to lie me on my back and hover above me, one forearm resting next to my head, the other hand cradling my neck. He looked my body up and down and kissed just below my ear. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Kara.” Josh muttered, continuing my assault on my neck and decolletage before making his way back up to sweep his tongue into my mouth. He was always gentle with me but never as gentle as this. Tonight, he handled me as if I were made of glass. Like if he made one wrong move, I’d shatter. And maybe I would. 

He sat up on his knees for a moment to remove his own shirt before settling back down on top of me. His massive body sat on mine as if some kind of weighted blanket, shielding me from the world. As he kissed me, he moved his body along with mine. I could feel his erection growing against my hip and I moaned at the thought of it. My hands made their way down his body and onto his waistband, pushing on his sweats. 

One of his hands halted mine. “Kar, are you sure? I just want to be here for you. We don’t have to do this.”

“I want this, Josh. I want you.” 

His sweats met the floor and his length stood at full attention. I moved a hand to stroke it but he caught my wrist, guiding it to his mouth and kissing my knuckles, “Baby,” my bicep, “this is about you.” my shoulder, “Let me take care of you.”

We locked eyes as slowly pulled my lacy boyshorts down my legs. He kissed, licked, and sucked his way back up my legs, only letting his tongue dip into my heat twice before continuing to kiss up my body. Once he was back up at eye level, I felt his thick fingers carefully moving about around my entrance.

“Josh, please, just… please make love to me.”

His eyes widened but he said nothing, instead using the same hand to pull one of my legs around his hip. He looked down momentarily, lining himself up before thrusting his shaft into me. We moaned together at the feeling. I’d almost forgotten how good we felt together. 

Josh moved slowly, taking his time and being sure to stay close to me. My leg stayed planted atop his hip as he sank to rest his weight on me ever so carefully. When my eyes weren’t shut tight in pleasure, they wandered over him. The furrow of his brow, his button nose that sat above his plump lips. I watched his biceps and abs contract with every movement he made. It didn’t take long for the pressure to build in my center and I began whimpering and moaning his name. 

“Mm, I can’t… Josh, I’m-”

“I know, sweetheart, I’m right there with you.” He buried his head in my neck, gently nipping my earlobe. “Let go, baby. Let me feel you.” He moved his hands down again and circled my clit with them, sending me over the edge. 

“Oh, my god. Oh, my… Ah!” My hands gripped tightly to his biceps as they flexed next to me. I came breathlessly. I saw stars and all I could hear was Josh panting above me as he continued to thrust into me. I felt him bite my shoulder and finally cum inside me with a strangled, “Fuck, I love you.”

He moved to the side slightly, just enough to grab the blanket and pull it over us. I turned on my side. It was only a moment before I felt Josh’s arm wrap around my waist and hold my body tight to his.

“Josh?” I whispered, afraid to ruin this moment.

“I promise we can talk about this is the morning, sweetheart. Please just let me hold you tonight.” He sounded tired. I complied with his request, wrapping my hand around the forearm resting against my stomach, and it wasn’t long before my eyes grew too heavy to keep open any longer.

[sweetestrequiems]

kit’s release radar + reflecting on things

alright so let me give y’all a normal post now aka the release radar for this account just without dates.

they’re all under the cut cause it’s a LOT.

aka, look under the picture of the broadway queens. thank you.

-foreboding (targets part 2) will come your way soon. jo and i need to finish writing and editing. 

-chapter 2 of out of a book is in the works. it will be a parr-centric chapter. -out of a book will go between boleyn-centric/parr-centric until i start working on chapter 6. chapter 6 and onward should be an even split or just about. -the title of the chapter is Scones and Coffee, by the way.

-aragon angst is finally being written. i was going to have the nightmare aragon has be set in historical times, but i can’t see myself doing it because i am not confident enough with history. so, i will set it in modern day instead.

-the boleyn fluff i promised jo is being plotted out as we speak. im gonna turn it into beheaded cousins fluff because i felt bad for asking for kitty angst lmao

-i might do some queen x reader one shots. they’re gonna be super cute, too. i think my favorite idea i had for one was jane seymour’s. cause stargazing and picnics. yeah. -if you guys actually want some queen x reader stuff i’ll write it for y’all.

-my apex legends fic titled spark of hope will have a release date pending in the next two months. with apex legends’ lore of it being a bloodsport, i have to properly think of the trigger warnings, tags, and so on. i also have to replay through titanfall 2 for the twentieth time, and play more apex legends to actually memorize the layouts of the maps (world’s edge/kings canyon). -i will probably release spark of hope as an Ao3 exclusive. i have the good understanding that i might have followers who are very sensitive to certain triggers involved in this, so i don’t want to put anyone in harm’s way.

-with new day, same queen getting ready to finish up in the next two weeks, it gives me more time to openly take requests and stuff. so if you have a prompt you’d like for me to do, once part 6 is finally up, come into my ask box and drop it in there. -cleves is part 4, she comes out friday. -seymour will be entering the world of the living next friday, april 17th. -howard will be the last queen to wake up on friday, april 24th. -pretty much a complete series which wow good job kit you did it lmao

-jo and i (mostly jo) are planning for a total of FOUR parts for targets. the last part is just us indulging in the softness of parrlyn but that’s besides the point. but, because the events of parts 2 and 3 are so emotionally charged, we decided to make it parrlyn because boleyn seems to be the only one that has been able to calm down a very angry parr. and it gives us two an opportunity to write out the complexity of parr’s emotions.

-so do y’all remember the ask that boleyn got from kitty about a prank? -rest assured i am actually writing that because jo and i accidentally plotted that out. -honestly it is the most hilarious thing we have thought of. -can you just imagine aragon dumping a whole ass bucket of water on boleyn and screaming “THE POWER OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” -part of me wonders how i think of this shit and i’m sober 99.9% of the time.

-sending in asks for the queens is ALWAYS welcome btw. i love responding as the queens and it gives me motivation to write for the queens that answer so... go for it.

-i am most definitely doing Six x [insert show here] stuff. will it probably be parrlyn singing something cute? yeah. -do i care? not really because it gives me an excuse to be a nerd. -i mean... writing fanfiction makes me a nerd but besides the point!!!

-speaking of, Six x Soho Cinders is apparently the actual brightest idea i’ve had on this account because almost if not 70 notes on it???? -like thank you??? so much???? -i honestly thought y’all were gonna be like “oh no here she goes again” but y’alL REALLY ACTUALLY MADE MY HEART HAPPY

i honestly cannot stress enough that i am grateful for all of you that follow me. for the ones that like my stuff. the ones that reblog. the ones who reply. ALL OF YOU. we are in hard times. the world is fucking terrifying. i mean, i’m an adult for fuck’s sake but i’m scared too. i write for you guys. let me explain what i mean:

i have spent a solid fifteen of the twenty years i have been alive on a stage of sorts. under a spotlight, or in an ensemble. i’m a semi-professional musician. i am a novice/amateur actress. i have played in a symphony orchestra.

during hard times is when people turn to the arts. whether they love seeing dancers fly across the stage, actors tell stories, visual artists create landscapes and portraits of scenes unknown... they’re all turning to these people for something i like to call a gift.

my former saxophone instructor is a well known man. he plays in a world renowned saxophone quartet. this man took a chance on me, and taught me the greatest thing i could ever learn as an artist of sorts. 

the arts, performance or visual, are a gift. you are taking your raw emotions, your feelings... you’re making yourself vulnerable for the world to see. you are giving these people a light in their darkest times. you are helping them escape their cold realities for just minutes at a time. you are giving them a piece of you that you would only think to give to your significant other. you are taking something from your heart, filled with your emotions, and allowing someone else to be a part of that. and that is the greatest gift of all.

truth be told, that’s what i consider all of this writing. an art. it is as valid as dance and as music. as valid as painting. as valid as ceramics. as valid as any breathing and living art form out there.

so, for me to see that you all do enjoy this? it lets me know that this gift is well received. it’s... loved. it's in the right hands. 

so from the bottom of my heart, thank you. thank you so much for not only allowing me the chance to do this, but for letting me into your lives.

i will see all of you later with the tumblr release of out of a book, and a video. 

much love to all of you, kit

[leostudyblr]

studying sucks as someone with adhd/add

and that’s not talked about nearly enough! in general and in the studyblr community.

i’m making this “guide” (of sorts) to, at the very least, let adhd/add ppl who struggle in school know that they’re not alone!

(also, just for reference, for the rest of this post i will be referring to adhd and add people as just adhd, because that is the official diagnosis for both. just know that i’m not excluding y’all inattentive types!!)

btw: neurotypical/non adhd studyblr are allowed and 100% encouraged to reblog this post!

distractions. my mortal enemy

writing this post is literally my distraction from writing my english essay. which is weird because i’m actually interested in the topic of my essay!

so why am i hyperfocusing on something completely unnecessary?

in short, because dopamine! that bastard.

long version is that people with adhd have unusually low levels of dopamine (the happy chemical, if you weren’t aware!) in their brain. this makes it extremely hard to stop doing something that is giving you dopamine and switch to something that won’t give you that sweet sweet dopamine.

in my case, it means that it’s hard to stop writing this post (which is about something i’m very passionate about, albeit hypocritical of me) and write my essay (which i’m also passionate about, but that includes writing an essay).

also, under this category i’d like to mention something that i found on the wikipedia page for hyperfocus that is just a great explanation of adhd!

“Some types of ADHD are a difficulty in directing one's attention (an executive function of the frontal lobe), not a lack of attention.”

thanks, wikipedia! what a nice helpful source. (note: wikipedia is a great resource that we all use, but that doesn’t mean you are bound to donate. don’t, if you don’t want to. they don’t have a fundraiser going on at the time of writing this, but.... still. don’t feel bad. other people will donate, and wikipedia will stay running.)

^ can you tell i’m adhd. geez. ok moving on

(another sidenote: apparently i lied. as soon as i went on another wikipedia page, they asked me to donate. damnit)

how do i... stop getting as distracted?

first off, understand that hyperfocus/lack of focus is part of your condition. you are not broken or “bad” for not being able to focus on what you need/want to.

try a pomodoro timer. this has literally saved me so much.

try a pomodoro... with friends! let them keep you accountable and working on what you need to.

have you been watching youtube for 3 hours and haven’t gotten out of bed that entire time? get up. get moving, walk to your kitchen and get a snack! some water, for god’s sake. take your snack time to think about what you need to work on and decide on one thing to do before you get another snack.

“but i can’t do just one task at a time! i’m better at multitasking!”

might i suggest fidget toys? i used to say that i was great at multitasking—no. no one is good at multitasking, it’s just not human nature to multitask. just trust me on this one, aight?

btw, sleep. not sleeping will only make it harder to focus on the things you have to do!!

if you take meds: take your frickin meds, dude. like seriously. take them.

if you don’t take meds and want to: talk to your doctor asap. tell them your concerns, and how adhd affects your life on a daily basis. and stimulant meds are not the only option!! be open to suggestions from your doctor, but if you feel like they don’t get what you’re going through: you gotta tell them again. give them more info, because what you tell them is literally the only way they’ll know something is wrong.

getting. overwhelmed. a trap that’s too easy to fall into

lord knows i’ve been overwhelmed. i’m overwhelmed right now. maybe you’ve been sick, or there was a really hard assignment in this class or that, and you had an exam in three classes over a two day time period—i get it. and you felt like this was your year! you were doing so well! but now you have late work in multiple classes and you’re not sure what to actually... do for those assignments.

a lot of this overwhelmed business has to do with not knowing how to start. you have this pile of work to do, how are you supposed to do any of it when there’s just so much and you know you can’t possibly get it all done.

“try and do one thing,” people will say

“just start! it’ll be easier once you start,” people will continue saying

“but it’s too much,” you’ll argue

“you don’t have to do all of it,” they’ll argue back, and you’ll realise that they’re right but it’s so easy for them. for you it’s like pulling teeth to start writing that essay outline or to start working on those chemistry problems. it feels like there’s no point if you don’t finish it—if you can’t turn it in, what’s even the point?

hey. i feel you. ppl w/o executive dysfunction just don’t understand how your brain works differently. and that’s not your fault.

the main thing i can say is: talk to people who do understand. 

your friends that have seen you struggling in school forever? they get it. maybe they don’t understand exactly how you do things differently, but they see the grief you go through each year just to survive.

if you don’t talk to people about what’s going on in your life, you’re gonna explode. like actually.

so how do i stop from getting overwhelmed?

talk about your stress early on, before it’s “too late”

that said, it’s never too late. it is NEVER too late to get help.

you got friends who have the same classes as you? have you made friends in your classes? ask them for clarification on assignments, if it’s too scary to go to the teacher.

i know that for me, at least, it doesn’t even cross my mind to ask my teacher about these supposedly silly thing! but i’ve started trying to take into account that if it’s preventing me from knowing where to start something, it’s not silly. it’s something that i need to ask about.

if you can afford to do so, consider asking your doctor if they can refer you to a therapist. this comes from someone with zero experience in therapy (altho i really want to! it just hasn’t worked out that way yet.), so take it with a HEAVY grain of salt. i just know that from other’s experiences, it has helped them immensely.

self esteem. what’s that?

with all this getting distracted and overwhelmed, it’s easy to confuse your adhd with yourself. yes, you have adhd, but it’s not all of you. and did you know that adhd people have enhanced creativity? you probably did, actually. isn’t it amazing that people with adhd have figured out how to persevere and live in a world not built for us!

now, i’d like to address some common self-esteem issues in adhd individuals and why it’s all your brain tricking you!

feeling down about our abilities.

this can mean not feeling good enough when you fail to do something that you previously thought you could do easily.

this is your brain trying to tell you that you can do better than this, but the signal is getting messed up somewhere along the way! when something doesn’t turn out as well as you want it to, you have to take that and push down the urge to beat yourself up about it and use that disappointment and turn it into self improvement!

comparing ourselves to neurotypical people.

“why can everyone else do it, and not me?”

because your brain isn’t built to work like that, silly! you need to think hard about why you can’t do it the same way as them—and find a way to accomplish the same goal but with a method that works for you.

it feels like we get more criticism than praise.

listen. maybe you are getting more criticism than praise—and that sucks! like absolutely, positively fuckin sucks. but more than likely:

that’s the rsd baby. your mind naturally takes criticism as a personal attack, AND it amplifies it in your mind! double whammy, if you will. this is why having someone to talk to who supports you is so important, so you can have an outside source telling you that you don’t deserve to feel like shit. because you don’t.

thanks for getting through this post ☺

all bases of the art in this post come from this website of open source sketchy illustrations!!

i sincerely hope that this has been at all helpful. if you have anything to add onto this post i encourage you to do so! if you have any questions about anything in this post, feel free to hmu at my ask box !!!

[neighbours-kid]

A Very Whovian February

Here we go again, another month over already. To nobody’s surprise whatsoever, I have continued watching way too many movies and tv show episodes in February as well. There weren’t as much as in January because university started again, but there were some. It totals in at 3 movies, 1 musical, and 116 episodes of tv. I was a bit heavy on the shows this month, less so on the movies, as you can see.

February is always a….peculiar month, if you will. It’s short, it’s half holiday and half university, it’s sort of winter but not anymore, and just really weird. What was particularly strange about this month however, was that even though I sort of committed myself to binging through Money Heist once more—and managed three episodes—I quickly went back on that decision and made another, rather bigger commitment: I decided to re-watch and finally catch up on Doctor Who. No one was more surprised at this decision than me, I believe.

I used to love this show, I used to talk about little else. Doctor Who dominated big parts of my interests for a few years. Through a combination of my brother watching the show and me discovering tumblr, I started watching it in 2012. That was right at the end of ninth grade and the beginning of grammar school. I was 16. I was awful. I talked about it constantly, and especially after I “converted” a friend and she ended up watching it too, it was a constant stream of talking about Doctor Who, always, all the time, everywhere. Which I now understand is annoying as hell. However, back then? People being annoyed with it and sort of shaming me for it? That—and the show losing what made me love it mostly through Moffat taking over—made me stop watching it. At some point I just—stopped. I didn’t talk about it, didn’t think about it much anymore, unfollowed a lot of blogs on tumblr who posted about it, and turned my interests elsewhere. I abandoned it.

For a while there it was also just a thing that I didn’t wanna touch. I watched it in a part of my life where I was awful and toxic and just not a really fun human being to be around, I think. At least I don’t look back at this time all too fondly. It was just part of a person who I wasn’t anymore, who I grew out of, grew up from, and largely also moved on from. It was a strange time. But it was always sort of at the back of my mind as something that I loved, something that brought me great joy and parts of which I really missed deep down. Once I got a Netflix account and it kept appearing in my suggestions, my resolve to not go back to it started to crumble and I ultimately decided that I could learn to love this show again and maybe be better about it this time around. And I also just really wanted to give Peter and Jodie a chance, because no matter how good or bad the stories are, taking on a role like the Doctor is a feat, and I want to give them the opportunity to impress me and make me like them.

Watching that very first episode of Chris Eccleston’s arc at the beginning of this month felt very similar to when I completely re-read all of Naruto last Spring. It felt like coming home, like re-discovering a long lost love. And I am loving it. I am enjoying this tremendously. The monsters are ridiculous, the CGI is hilariously bad, the masks and make-up are insanely cool, the stories are simple and honest and lovely and I just adore it so much. Russel T. Davis was such a wonderful show runner, his vision for the show was so….lovely and simple and human. There were so many brilliant moments in the first four seasons, the companions were fascinating and conflicting and challenging and the Doctor was fantastic and brilliant. And even now that I have already binged through most of Matt’s arc as well, I still appreciate this show. The first time around, I think, I wasn’t too fond of Matt as the Doctor because I really loved David and his take on it, but this time, I am really enjoying Matt’s way of navigating that sort of dichotomy of darkness and ridiculousness that the Doctor has. Matt is fun. David is still my absolute favourite, but I am enjoying Matt tremendously as well. The CGI might have gotten better, the stories bigger and bolder, and, what I felt the first time around, maybe lost a bit of it’s simple and human aspects, but it is still a show that makes you keep thinking, what if?

If you know me you know that I often say the words “ugh I hate people”. I hold the opinion on most days that we, humans, are the worst and we’re being for the most part terrible to ourselves, our environment, and that Earth would be better off if we all just died. However, on odd days in between, I am also like insanely fascinated by humans and by what we can do and who we are and all that. Watching nearly seven seasons of Doctor Who in one month and seeing the world and humans through the Doctor’s eyes, raised those odd days in between to a level able to compete with my humans-suck days. It’s basically 50/50 now, to be honest. If you boil my entire life down to a single conflict it’s that of HUMANS SUCK WE’RE THE WORST and HUMANS MY DUDE HUMANS WE HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL. Basically. Combine this binge-watch with the Opportunity Rover dying and you have me sobbing in a corner filled with hope for humanity and the need to change the world, because we could.

Oh.

Well.

Look at that. This is supposed to be a recap slash diary entry about this month and I have already spent all this time talking about Doctor Who. Can you imagine how annoying I was when I watched it the first time? Yeeeaaaah.

Anyway.

Watching Doctor Who was not actually the only thing I did in this month. I did a lot of procrastinating on a paper about witchcraft in Dutch art which I then finally finished the day before I had to hand it in, started university back up again in the middle of it, helped some friends on their moving day, hung out with other friends, went to a birthday, and, y’know, did things human beings do.

But—and I’m going back to Doctor Who again, sort of, I am so sorry—I also read a book. And not just some book. It was Good Omens by the two amazing gentlemen Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. Watching four seasons of David Tennant being amazing on Doctor Who also made me re-discover my adoration for him. Not that I didn’t already know that, I mean I did just watch him in Broadchurch. He is just great and I love watching him in things. And then he started a podcast (David Tennant Does A Podcast With…, it’s amazing, you should all listen to it) and he’s on radio shows promoting it and he is just ever present. And there was press and information and stuff going around for the tv adaption of Good Omens in which David plays Crowley, so he was just constantly on my mind. So I said to myself, hell yes, you need to re-read Good Omens before the show comes out in May, so why not do that now. And I did. And it was fantastic. And because I am me, and I am weird, I forced myself to stretch the last 100 pages of the book over an entire week, so I could walk into every first session of classes at university reading this book (four of which being theology classes, which was very important for me to be reading this book in). I needed to mark my place as resident weirdo, because who else could it be?

So, in summary, I guess my month could also be called “David Tennant February”. I watch Doctor Who nearly every evening, listen to David’s podcast every Tuesday, think about Good Omens every day—yeah, February was very heavy on the David Tennant content. I am not complaining.

To end this on a less David Tennant-y note, and a more “these things actually happened this month” bit, February has also been a month of, I don’t know, resurrection? Is that a good word? Anyway—February has brought out (or back) more of who I truly am again. Most of it is the weather (thanks climate change, I’m sorry the planet is dying), the sun being out, the temperatures already clocking in above 10 degrees celsius. I am enjoying it tremendously. I am convinced that I might be half-plant because the sun just revitalises me so strongly. Seasonal depression just goes down the gutter once the sun is out and I can feel the warmth of Spring on my skin. I am alive. Another thing is that I stopped, just really stopped giving a shit at university about other people and what they think. I am using all the bathrooms, no matter what. I am going by Alex even in German classes. I don’t apologise for anything or justify my actions. I don’t care anymore. What I do care about, is that I finally got a date for my consultation with a psychiatrist here in the city. I am partially excited and happy about it, however I also, as soon as I opened the envelope, felt completely numb and detached because the date is in June and that’s still so far off, which I guess I knew would be the case, but having confirmation for it, was just a bit…much, I think. Knowing that my future is in the hands of other people is not a thought I like very much and having to wait for other people to have time for me in that perspective is just not a fun thing. But we’ll get there. Eventually.

I don’t know guys, this post is just full on stream of consciousness, just me blabbing on and on about things that I don’t think anybody really cares about. But like I said last time, this is supposed to be a sort of diary entry for my garbage brain to remember what I did in my life, so y’know, this is valid.

I’ll talk to y’all in a month. Be good out there, guys. Be good.

Bye.

[riskeith]

hii!

manifesting xiao for you!!!!! it surely will be worth it after all that wait and all those rolls shsjdhsj <3 you’ll probably upgrade him and his weapons and talents and all that right away too, huh? spilling all your recourses on one stotic lil boy 👅 (can’t say i blame ya he deserves it) FUNNY YOU MENTION THAT when i did the guiding light seal puzzle before the stormterror battle i accidentally forgot to change kaeya’s weapon to the ones i’ve upgraded so he was stuck with the dull sword and i was like why the FUCK doesn’t he do any damage and then it hit me . yikes 😬 Lmao has that ever happened to you?

oh really? reading all of that makes it seem like we’re in the bad end of the stick dhdhdjdjfh but you made me curious to try it out tbh... now where could i get a hold on a pc..... hm

yeah omg you’ve gotten so far now i can’t imagine how bizarre it would be to revert back to giving like 10 dmg and facing level 3 villains lmao still sometimes even i find myself missing the early days things weren’t as stressful then ): do you?

school did start which is why haikyuu is perfect!! it’s been keeping me very warm and happy tbh... 🥺 you know something i noticed this time watching is that kagehina are Always around each other. i honestly don’t remember them doing that but watching now it’s like at almost every scene they are either standing next to each other or showing up to the other’s scene and it’s like??? damn???? y’all live like this? idk if that changes in future eps but right now it’s Constant. i love it.

dude i’m such a nostalgia person i’m always up for a trip to the good ol’ days bc sometimes you just gotta go back to things for your own sake. but fun Fact i started watching voltron after it ended so i missed so much of the hype while it was ongoing.. literally came into it while it was a goddamn mess. i knew that klance wouldn’t be canon but watching i couldn’t help but hope... how was it stanning while it was ongoing?

(you saying that reminds me of the what if we kissed meme..... what if we kissed in the genshin co-op mode 😳 anyway you’re at such a high level idk how much i could help you... i suppose we could just run around but yeah i do play in europe... 😭)

RED AND BLUE GAYS!!!!!! RED AND BLUE GAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the purple light were mega gay like hello????? especially since lance is bi and it was Him that said the line and hfjdhdhsjdjdhdj fuck ! i’m so sad now ever since we started talking about them i’ve just been missing them sooooo much it’s crazy... KEITH DESERVES THE UNIVERSE he’s so sweet and caring in his own way and he grew so much like compare s8 keith with s1 keith and see!!!! he matured so much and god . at least he’s helping the galaxy with his lesbians now

dude i wanted to say that but i was scared it was an unpopular opinion.... hunk and pidge could be so mean to him sometimes for no reason or just shoo him aside and no??? don’t do that to your friend????? it irked me sometimes bc you could see that he got upset about it but he felt like he had no one to turn to 😭😭😭😭😭 kms but keith. keith is good.

THE I LOVE YOU SCENE did it also take you sooo much by surprise like i remember watching and just going AAAAAA??????!!!??!!?? and the art???? mister anime keith kogane?????? it was so beautiful and so perfect and so sad ughhhhhhh funny how keith has 2 out of the three i love you scenes on voltron even tho he’s the stotic type .

i’m thinking but honestly all i want is some fluffy angst... a punch in the gut with some final kissing . i love fics that rewrite the sunset scene always chefs kiss... or you know how in season 7 for some reason they always called out for each other first? like when lance has his crashing scene keith yells out lance come in twice??? or when they are stuck in the galra prison and they yell out each other’s names???? idk something about that would be amazing to read???? ok i rambled idk rewritten canon klance is just Mwah... OH IM SO EXCITED TO READ THOSE SNIPPETS EEEEEEE :DDDDDD TY FOR SENDING THAT

i’m soooo glad you liked the fanart when i saw it i HAD to send it your way... it’s the little bois in their animal hats 😭😭🥺 i love them so much it’s soooooo cute 😭😭 i’ve been stalking the original tweet and there’s some other version and they’re super adorable too 😭😭😭😭😭😭

hope you had a wonderful day today + yesterday... take care <333

hey heyyyy~

actually i don’t think i have many resources to give him bc im focusing on levelling up my team for the ascension rn FJKHDSKFHSDKJFHSDK but for sure i will do it... anything for him 😩 AHAHAH nooooo but yes ! during the chalk prince dragon event i used festering desire in dragonspine but my higher levelled sword everywhere else, but sometiems i forgot to switch back and was stuck with shit damage 💀

yeah actually i see a lot of poeple complain about not being able to do missions on mobile either (or having a really hard time with it) fskjhfksj but there are for sure people who would think mobile is better so 🤷‍♀️ to each their own! ahah does anyone in your family have a windows laptop/pc? steal borrow it 🤪

i definitely miss the easier days!! it’s fun going to an area with lower level enemies bc i defeat them so easily.. but then again their drops also aren’t as good so you trade one thing for another i guess lol

ikr?!?!?? like we get it you’re inseparable omg.. it’s so cute when they go seek out asahi as well and hinata hides behind kageyama and then points and at him like he’s showing him off.. lives in my mind rent free 😌

oh i see!!! that’s so brave of you omg you knew all that and still decided to give it a shot? fshfkdsjf. it was. insane. like talking about the positives only, it was just everyone going crazy every time there was a single hint of klance is canon king and just ugh. it was all so exciting and hype and like the energy you know?? especially when there were conventions where they were revealing trailers or new info wow tumblr was buzzing.. (reminds me of when klance was top ship.......) i miss that kinda environment tbh! but also now that i’m in uni i don’t think i’d have the energy to keep up fhskfjds

(WHAT IF WE KISSED!! IN GENSHIN CO-OP!! HAHA JK... UNLESS?! that’s so funny fskdj but i wish 😔😩 makes a second reroll account just for this? HAHAAH. and noooo even if we didn’t do anything i feel like it’d be so fun just running around hfkdsjs. and maybe i could carry you w your quests it’s always been my dream to help someone out like my brother can just come into my world and one-shot enemies 😩 but maybe some day!! cross-server will happen)

:((((((((((( S1 KEITH AND S8 KEITH THE GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT 😭😭😭😭 keith went from being a lone wolf expelled from the garrison to finding his MOTHER!! AND THE BESTEST SPACE WOLF DOGGO!! AND LEADING A FKN ITNERGALACTIC ORGANISATION!~!!!eASKJDHSAFHEHFSDIUHSAZODUQWEQWYRHIASKJDNCSOUADHB. marmora!keith............. both a blessing and a curse.... but that uniform tho 🥵

i cried!!! so much watching that scene lmao!!! can’t remember how i felt at the time but i was probably also surpirsed.. and ikr? that’s poetry in its own tbh we love that keith said the most ‘expressive’ and ‘emotional’ lines the most

sunset scene... sunset scene!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg yeah them just calling out for each other’s names first like??? explain please?? omg also remember when keith chose lance in the quiz.. AND LANCE CALLED KEITH THE FUTURE? FUCKING EXPLAIN???????? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! there is no heterosexual explanation. okay but now that you’ve put sunset scene in my head... either rewrite where lance was looking for keith to confess to him bc they were going back to space and he wanted to get it out or.. in the future where klance are together and lance has a dream about it and suddenly realises wait. did keith already like me back then. and then they talk about it ... hmmmmm . AND WOOOO NO PROBLEM!! HOPE YOU ENJOY <33

i def have to look at the other versions!!! honestly this meme is kinda the best thing out there rn so many cute baby renditions of charas.. blessed!! i love them all sm...

thank you!! hope yours have been great too, and school is treating you well :**

[xtremedespair3d]

Anime Summer 2019 Final Impressions + Plans for Fall

Summer sure was the hottest season of the year yet, it was an extremely unbearable hell, but that aside, there were lots of things this season, had some really sweet vacations, I’m back on school studying fine arts, and of course, all the good anime shows I watched.

Though, I must say, Fridays this season were my least favorite because they’re so packed with a lot of shows to watch, things get a lot worse when I have school now and I wouldn’t even have the time to watch everything after arriving at home at 3 PM.

Now that the Summer season is coming to a close, we’re finally moving on to Fall and the upcoming lineup is definitely the hottest yet, and most importantly: My birthday is this Friday, October 4th, and I’m going to become 20 years old, so I hope y’all don’t disappoint me with the birthday messages and potential surprises (which I’m always looking for ;-;).

Since it’s my 20th birthday, it’s a big milestone for me and I hope I get to activate my moral superiority, and if I see any of you whiny crybabies say some negative shit about things I really hold dear the most in my life, you’re gonna be hella sorry. 🙂💢 

Ahem, excuse my weird behavior right there. Anyways, before we talk more about my birthday presents and everything, let’s talk about the shows I watched this Summer!

WARNING: This post contains spoilers for “Granbelm.” (About time I had discussed something with spoilers, it’s been forever)

1.- Girls’ Frontline Healing Chapter: This is the anime I’ve been dying to watch and it finally came out... albeit with a little surprise: It’s in full Chinese! Dub and all!

I guess it makes sense they released it on full Chinese on BiliBili (Think of it as China’s equivalent of NicoNico or something) because it’s a Chinese game, but even Azur Lane, which it’s a Chinese game too, is huge in Japan now (Sorry Kancolle, you have sunk) that its upcoming anime is a full-fledged 30 minute TV series on national Japanese TV. But even so, the Chinese dub so far is relatively fine.

The series has even spawned two Grand Theft Auto dubbed parodies (1, 2) and they lead me to create my own parody using Team Fortress 2 sound clips, there should be more parodies like these!

Anyways, the wait for this series has absolutely been worth it and can’t wait to watch the Japanese dub!

10/10 - Rank: S++ - 100%

2.- The Case Files of Lord El-Melloi II: All I can think of this series is: This is the perfect definition of a Nasuverse with multiverse and different incarnations of some characters a la comic books, (By that I mean there’s characters from Fate/Apocrypha like Caules and Flat,  for example. All within the realm of the Stay Night/Zero continuity (?)) having some MCU-styled worldbuilding or something. (Okay, maybe I’m going too far with these childish meaningless comparisons, it’s just that I want the Nasuverse to be something other than standalone universe after standalone universe)

Now, me personally, having never read the novels, I did enjoy the series as it is, but it does get somewhat problematic that the first half is anime original while the second half is adapted from the novels for non-readers. It’s really weird how they decided to make the series half anime original half adaptation. This is beyond for me to call it “Semi-original” (I usually use this term for anime series based on intellectual properties but have a completely original storyline, such as Danganronpa 3 and Katsugeki Touken Ranbu).

Here’s a helpful timeline made by Karoshi to help you where the anime fits within the Case Files LN series.

Moving on, the animation is really great, the opening is awesome and with the instrumental only theme, it feels as if I’m watching a Netflix or HBO show, which is really neat. TROYCA did a good job on the visuals, the actions scenes and everything, they’re replicating the Ufotable style nicely.

Everyone must be like “A breath of fresh air after the fuckery we had with Fate/Apocrypha and Fate/Extra Last Encore” or 4chan people still hating on Case Files, sure, but I won’t really acknowledge it because I don’t care about Apocrypha and Last Encore anymore, but I will always defend them no matter what. I may have not read the Apocrypha LNs but there’s no reason to call the anime crap for no reason, and with Last Encore, I have played the original Fate/Extra game and while I was surprised and mad that it was a completely different story, in the end, the story is still close to the game and it’s an interesting alternate take on the Fate/Extra story. You can’t convince me otherwise, so get out of my sight, please.

I really hope this is the last time I rant about recent adaptations of different Fate series, because for me, Fate is a franchise that shouldn’t be disserviced on something like this, not even from the most dedicated Fate or general Type-Moon fans. (except the 2006 series because it aged like crap; Same with the MCU and other big franchises, inb4 Karoshi and everyone else crucifies me for stupid statements like these. Except Karoshi flat out told me he doesn’t use Tumblr at all to even read this post, so I’m glad)

Case Files may be over, but there’s another Fate series coming out this Saturday...

9/10 - 93% - Rank: A++

3.- Dumbbell Nan Kilo Moteru: Having dropped out of the gym days prior, I immediately felt bad for doing so and watching the series made my desire to go back to the gym grow even more, though I don’t think I would have liked to given that I have school now and wouldn’t have time to have my break at all. At least the series did show exercises I can do at home. Even if I spent 1 year at the gym, I still have a fat belly despite having a decently fit body. Somebody help me. ;_;

I just realized I’m more like Hibiki, she works out but then she still eats a lot of fat afterwards. 😅

I’d definitely recommend this show for people who want to workout either at the gym or occasionally at home. This has some pretty good fan service, comedy and over-the-top muscles galore.

8.5/10 - 87% - Rank: A+

4.- Danmachi S2: I wasn’t fond of the beginning arc in a sense I didn’t want to see Bell suffer, but then the next arc is just way better (Not gonna lie, I’d really love to go in the City of Lust with the Ishtar Familia. 🤤)

After One-Punch Man 2 and even Okaa-san Online, Danmachi is and continues to look one of the better looking anime I’ve recently watched. There’s a bit of weird quality errors here and there, but overall, the visuals still look impressive. Hell, even the opening looks amazing (though Case Files beat it as the best looking opening of the season).

After the series ended, a new OVA AND season 3 got announced for 2020. I’m glad I won’t have to wait for another 2 or 4 years. For 2 years, I would have to get a new season of Sword Oratoria like in 2017, but Sword Oratoria is rather forgettable, so I’m sticking with the base series, instead. Anyways, looking forward for more Danmachi next year.

8/10 - 84% - Rank: A

5.- Fire Force: Even though I never saw Soul Eater, but even so, this series is interesting, it had a strong start but the last few episodes, the animation has been TERRIBLE. The way the characters move, the flow and everything is just god damn slow.

It’s a damn shame how David Production of all studios is getting a troublesome series with decaying animation quality or something. Even JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure and Cells at Work had decaying qualities or something.

Since this is a two-cour series (for the better or for worse), I hope the animation would get better, but if it continues to be the way it is, I don’t really know what to say, and maybe David Production shouldn’t have picked this series up in the first place, Bones should have adapted Fire Force so it can give Soul Eater vibes, but I guess they were too busy with Mob Psycho 100 and My Hero Academia. Even so, the series still had some decent moments.

One thing worth pointing out is that the ending theme, veil by Keina Suda, reminded me of the song シャルル... But then I discovered that シャルル  was made by Keina Suda too, that took me by surprise.

7.5/10 - 75% - Rank: B

6.- Tejina Sempai: I wasn’t much convinced on wanting to see the series before it came out, but when I’ve seen crossover fan arts with the titual character and Hotaru Shidare from Dagashi Kashi, even pKjd’s tweet about it, got me interested, I saw the first episode and I loved it, I had laughed a lot on it, but like on the second half of the show, the series has kinda lost me and couldn’t even find it funny anymore, a little bit, but it wasn’t working out for me anymore.

Animation wise is a little decent, not as utterly poor but the showoverall is okay.

To add insult to injury, this is the one project artist Sky-Freedom has recently dedicated to make porn pictures on his Patreon and sell a doujin of it.

Long story short: Sky-Freedom was making a JK oneshota series on Patreon, but then on early July 2019, he was accused of plagiarism from another artist for one image (See here; and yes, I made this Twitter account to protest, but it didn’t work like I wanted), hence he cancelled the JK oneshota series and has since moved on making doujins of Azur Lane, and of course, Tejina Sempai.

Basically, an artist I’ve grown to hate has moved on to make porn of Tejina Sempai on his Patreon and a doujinshi. Sure, what he did about copying another artist and make money of it from Patreon was shitty, but since he won’t make that JK oneshota series anymore and can’t even care for his new stuff, hence why I hate him now (though not really because I’m still curious to know what he’s doing).

Sorry if I went a little bit off-topic, but this is the most important thing I wanted to address, something associated with Tejina Sempai, whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

7/10 - 71% - Rank: B-

7.- Okaa-san Online: This one I kinda have grown to have quite mixed feelings about this series.

In one hand, it recreates Pochi’s art style nicely but it doesn’t even come close, everything else is rather nice, but on the other hand, the poor animation kinda kills the interest and enjoyment of the series quite a bit. It seems like part of JC Staff has gotten worse in animation talent than One-Punch Man 2, but it certainly won’t top OPM2.

As for the story, writing and characters, there isn’t much for me to talk about, and it’s its nature to have characters with terrible puns as their names and such.

However, it does get a bit thought provoking about my relationship with my mom, but I wouldn’t like to get too personal about it (and it’s none of your business anyways).

The best girl of course is Mamako, not only she’s a genuinely good mother, someone I really shouldn’t fight so bad (I’m worse than her son, Masato), but also she’s a legit good MILF. 👌 

Okay okay, let’s not get too perverted again as I briefly did at Danmachi with the Ishtar Familia arc or something and let’s just move on to the score.

Also, why would HorribleSubs refer this series as “Okaa-san Online”? It certainly has a long ass title, but calling it “Okaa-san Online”? Really?

After Okaa-san Online, can we please get an Ane Naru Mono anime but with a better studio, please? Maybe it could be a hentai based on the NSFW version or it could be a TV series based on the SFW version, either is fine but give me something, please!

6/10 - 63% - Rank: C-

8.- Granbelm: I was honestly feeling super mixed around the first few episodes, and at times I even felt like dropping this, but I never drop any anime I wasn’t feeling interested, but then the second half of the series has been getting me interested now, especially when the series gave me the best anime villains ever:

Anna Fugo: The “obsessed for power” type of villain with a terrific performance by Yoko Hikasa.

Suishou Hakamada: The “servant of the most powerful boss, but the boss sucks, so screw this!” type of villain with a mysterious background, with a voice ranging from calm but terrifying to extreme when she gets angry, provided by Aoi Yuuki. Around episode 12, here’s a surprising info bomb: Suishou out of the blue reveals that she participated and won every single Granbelm for a thousand years to become the Princeps or something.

Another con I have to mention is the weak sound design. When the fight scenes happen, the mechas flying, the strikes and everything sound really off, they don’t sound like loud engines blasting off or even metal clashing very strongly or something.

I must say, even if the story wasn’t the most convincing I’ve ever watched but it has some redeeming qualities like the villains, the animation was pretty good. Certainly doesn’t involve sakuga, but at least it was pretty decent.

6.5/10 - 67% - Rank: C+

Overall:

I know Okaa-san Online should have been last for the poor animation and my lower score, but Granbelm was always destined to be in that spot because I was the least interested at it.

I have a history of rigging my own scores, so I don’t make the rules.

Spring 2019 ongoing:

Fruits Basket: The first season has ended, and now we’re gonna get season 2 around 2020. I’m excited to see how the story goes. (And before you tell me to read the manga, I’ll pass and I’m gonna wait and see how will the adaptation goes)

Kimetsu no Yaiba: Episode 19 and with the series ended, might as well say this now but this is totally my Anime of the Year, no denying it. I’m glad it’s not the end for Kimetsu no Yaiba yet, there’s going to be a movie of the Infinite Train arc... inb4 it becomes another vaporware like the Katsugeki Touken Ranbu movie or, hell, even Girls’ Work, and things get worse with the tax fraud on Ufotable, if that’s anything to go by.

They still have Heaven’s Feel III coming out in 2020, so there’s a pretty good chance that Ufotable can still work it out with the Kimetsu no Yaiba if they can.

Not quite a mediocre anime to give it a D or even an E like the past two seasons, in my opinion. Now, it’s finally the time to talk about my anticipated anime not only for the entire season in general, but for my birthday as well!

Anticipated:

1.- Azur Lane The Animation - October 3rd: I’m a big avid player of Azur Lane and I seriously can’t wait for the anime to come out! I don’t care if people are gonna compare this with the Kancolle anime, if it’s gonna be good, bad or worse than the Kancolle anime, etc. I just want to watch it, please!

October 3rd is just PAINFULLY a day close to my birthday, but you know what? I’m gonna watch the first episode on day 1 and then rewatch it on my birthday so I can be satisfied.

With the latest trailers, the anime looks impressive, it seems like the character designs are relatively close to the diverse art styles from the characters, but it’s still mixed in with a uniformal art style like Kancolle’s or something. Still nowhere near Chronicle Chain-tier, but it’s something.

This is definitely the one anime I’m super anticipated to watch and can’t wait to watch it, even if it’s an early birthday gift!

2.- Girls’ Frontline Healing Chapter (Japanese Dub) - October 4th: Yes yes, the series already exists, albeit for Chinese audiences with Chinese dub and all and I just reviewed it, but hey, this is the Japanese dub we’re talking about and I was growing as desperate as I was to watch the series. As to how these news came to be, I was scrolling down my timeline and saw the Crunchyroll news post about the series, I was like “Yooo, the Japanese dub is finally coming out!”, I looked at the post, read through and at the bottom, I saw the broadcasts:

Tokyo MX: every Friday during the 25:00 time slot beginning on October 04, 2019.

BS11: every Saturday during the 20:55 time slot beginning on October 05, 2019.

Yep, you read that right: October 4th. This is my biggest surprise I’ve seen yet, and the road for my birthday (at the time of writing this, Sept. 25th) keeps getting better and better!

I actually had thought it was gonna come out on Fall but I expected on late October at best, to coincide with the Chinese release’s late July release, but I never thought they would definitely go for my birthday of all dates.

3.- High Score Girl - October 4th/16th: Every time I watch this show, I seriously cannot stop smiling for how good this is, and I’m glad it’s back for a second season as my birthday gift.

But what’s strange is that the first 3 episodes are going to be on my birthday while the rest of the series will be on October 16th onwards, it’s a little odd but hey, I get to see the first 3 episodes of my birthday, it’s definitely worth it.

4.- Blackfox - October 4th: I haven’t heard anything new about this lately and I genuinely lost interest on it because the fact that it’s a theatrical movie in Japan left me a sour taste in my mouth. Well, I would still see the film eventually in some way, whether the film would come out on Mexico or torrents from the Blu-Ray release, but at the same time, it’s just the usual “Japan getting an anime movie first and it’s going to take forever for it to come out on Mexico or won’t at all.”

That is until on September 27th, I was randomly reading the Wikipedia page for Blackfox and I noticed that, get this: Crunchyroll is going to stream the film on October 4th! My interest on Blackfox has regained!

With that said about Blackfox being a movie and coming out on Crunchyroll on October 4th, looks like I’m going to have two movies in one birthday, one of them being a certain mentally ill prince of crime clown. Given that I’m going to have all morning watching all these other anime that are coming out in my birthday, I don’t think I’ll be able to watch Blackfox too in favor of Joker.

5.- My Hero Academia season 4 - October 12th: I’m surprised that My Hero Academia took a long lap between seasons, maybe we all needed a break from MHA coming out in every Spring, especially when there was another Shonen Jump series, Kimetsu no Yaiba, and the competition would sure be hot, I think Kimetsu no Yaiba might have been suffocated with MHA or vice versa, who knows really.

Anyways, we’re finally getting into the Eri arc and boy, seeing this arc animated is gonna be intense.

6.- Fate/Grand Order: Babylonia - October 5th: I don’t really understand what’s the appeal with Babylonia (and Camelot) in comparison to the other storylines from FGO before Epic of Remnant and Cosmos in the Lostbelt. And I didn’t even bother to look at English translations or even videos or transcripts of the chapter released in the NA version. Now that it’s getting animated, I’ll have to wait and see because what I like the most of these adaptations is seeing the VN-like scenarios come to life, or pretty much any other media I like seeing being brought to life in general.

Some things I do have to compliment about the Babylonia anime is that they released episode 0 in the actual game (and at the same time, simulcasts were released which begs the question: How the fuck were they able to get an episode of the Babylonia anime straight from the game?), and, unlike Azur Lane which it’s another mobage with an anime coming out this Fall, it uses a uniformal art style and it tries to replicate the Takeuchi art style. Granblue Fantasy is an exception because it’s only one artist who does literally every single character ever.

7.- BEASTARS - October 8th: This is the next project from the studio that brought Houseki no Kuni, Orange. Looking forward to more of their CG greatness. (Sanzigen will always hold a special place in my heart, though)

8.- Tokunana - October 6th: I was randomly lurking on Yuuichiro Higashide’s (Fate/Apocrypha, Danganronpa 3, Date A Live Fragment: Date A Bullet writer)  website and I saw “Tokunana”, I visited the website and it showed me the trailer first, it looked pretty interesting and for some reason I thought it was like an old series of sorts, but nope, it’s actually a new series.

The full English title is Special 7: Special Crime Investigation Unit, and given that I watch CSI, NCSI and Hawaii Five-0 very early in the mornings before I go to school, I’m definitely gonna get some vibes from these shows or something, and this show has a pretty stellar cast too.

9.- Granblue Fantasy: The Animation season 2 - October 4th: I genuinely had enjoyed the first season when it came out, the animation looked nice too, but now reading some reactions on the anime in general has given me a sour taste, I refuse to believe it’s bad or anything...

I’m surprised that they’re changing studios from A-1 to MAPPA, I wanted Cygames Pictures because supposedly they were supposed to make anime based on their properties themselves, why MAPPA of all studios?

Also, this is coming out in my birthday and I’m not sure if I asked for this, but I’ll take it.

10.- Psycho-Pass 3 - October 24th: With news about Psycho-Pass 3 flying around, I had to binge the series on my Spring break, and yes, even Psycho-Pass 2, everyone says that it sucks and whatnot, but for me honestly, it wasn’t even that offensively bad, it does suck that there wasn’t a lot of Kogami, but the storyline and everything wasn’t really that bad, at least the movie gave more Kogami, though. And speaking of familiar faces, it seems like only Shion and Sho are returning and this whole season has an all-new cast, I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Before Pscyho-Pass 3 comes out, I forgot there were the Sinners of the System film trilogy released earlier this year and I got to watch them all this past Sunday as of the publishing of this post. Speaking of the films, they were 1 hour each and I think they were a test on how will Psycho-Pass 3 work with 1-hour length.

The series will have 8 episodes consisting of 1 hour, I’m not really sure if I’m prepared for that, and now that I think about it, it’s going to feel like watching a Netflix show.

11.- Phantasy Star Online 2: Episode Oracle - October 7th: So a new PSO2 anime is apparently happening, but this time it seems like it’s definitely gonna be more serialized and actually taking place in the game’s universe, because the 2016 series had a lot of meta shit and it was just ridiculous, but even so, I loved it.

And that’s all of the anime I’m looking forward this Fall, don’t forget that my birthday is soon and I’m looking forward for your messages! I’m sure going to have a great time in my 20th birthday with Azur Lane, Girls’ Frontline, High Score Girl, Granblue Fantasy, Blackfox (if I have the time) The Blacklist (if I have the time) and Joker!

Carrd.

Announcement for my (potential) retirement.

[eyez-ff-blog]

○○ eyez | thirty-six

The burger spot had to have been at least 60 years old, give or take—the story was that the black couple that first bought the place got the property on a legal technicality and they kept it within their family ever since. Their grandson and his wife now owned the restaurant, and the sense of family seemed to seep through the bricked walls of the place. Even with the modern furniture and fixtures, the art and memorabilia seemed to take customers back to a time where things were seemingly ‘simpler.’ The scent of cooking meat and spices filled the air, and every so often the aroma of freshly baked bread from the hamburger buns or sweet treats would waft through the atmosphere. The laughter of men consumed the air soon after as the five men sat at the circle booth in the corner of the spot.

“I can’t believe this nigga got himself a girlfriend,” Bas couldn’t stop laughing as Ib continued to pick on Cody within the group call. “How did he pull this off? I must know,” He chuckled.

“I ask the same shit every day when I think of your chainsaw ass snoring. Nicole must be so blessed to have you,” Cody countered.

“Wow. This is why I’m never telling you guys if I find myself a woman,” Bas shook his head slowly as he pushed at one of the French fries on his plate. “Y’all not gonna be flaming my ass.”

“They’ll find a way to find out. Ib an ex-agent of the FBI, then you got Dame, his sidekick,” J mumbled before taking a sip of his coke.

“Nah, we just know y’all too well. When Cody started acting too cool I knew something was up,” Ib chuckled. “And don’t get me started on you, J. Your sprung ass,” He smirked.

“Aw, leave him alone. He’s in love and shit,” Bas said before popping a fry into his mouth. “He been in love forever and a day, that’s hard to hide,” He spoke between chewing.

“I can’t even laugh at J’s ass no more. Damn, how the hell I get caught up?” Cody laughed softly as he picked up his hamburger to eat.

It was J’s last day in New York and since it had been a while since all of the guys had hung out together, they met up at one of their favorite burger places in the city. Everyone was still feeling the after-show glow, but the biggest subject for the time being was Cody’s new girlfriend, Mariah. The two were talking through Twitter DMs and now she was a constant in his life; it was amusing for Jermaine to see Cody going through the motions because out of all of them, he was the one that was the ‘least interested’ in finding someone to call his own. He was always the main one picking on Jermaine for how he acted around Beija, but now the tables were turned. But from what he saw, he thought they were a good match. She seemed to calm him down a bit and that wasn’t harmful at all.

“Well, that’s three out of five. We can’t count Z because he already came in with a woman,” Ib said as he sat back. “So that leaves Bas and Dame. Y’all gotta bring me a couple grandchildren—take J’s lead and make some kids,” He said.

“Nigga? Go get Nicole pregnant and move around,” Dame let out a small laugh. “Ain’t no kids coming up out of nobody I fucked no time soon,” He said.

“Y’all making me feel my mortality. I don’t have time,” Bas shook his head. “But I have been talking to this one girl...” He trailed off.

“Yes! I’m not alone. Who is she? She got good credit? Got kids?” Cody began to ramble, and J let out a loud laugh.

“She’s got good credit. No kids that I know of. I’m not marrying her tomorrow so chill. You’re still in the hot seat,” Bas laughed as well as Cody sucked his teeth.

“Speaking of marriage. When’s the wedding, J?” Dame asked before he ran his hand over the top of his head. “I gotta figure out if I feel like losing weight for my tuxedo or not,” He said with a small laugh.

“I’m still trying to get Beija mentally prepared for all of that. We still kinda fresh off of everything else so I’m just kinda going at her pace right now,” J explained.

“It seems like she’s slowly getting back to herself, though. That’s good—y’all had me worried for a minute,” Bas said, and everyone at the table quietly agreed. “Especially about you; you been really pushing yourself lately. You good?”

“Me? Yeah. It gets tiring at times, but this is what I signed up for. I knew what came with her when she told me. I love her, so I’m gonna do what I gotta do to help out,” J said simply. “I’m just glad she’s here. I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that I literally found her just in time. If I had made a stop like I had planned to...” He trailed off.

“Hey, let’s not think like that. We could sit in the what ifs but...Beija’s alive. She’s here, and she’s going to be okay,” Ib said with a small smile. “You forget, we been knowing her just as long as you’ve known her—we all know how she gets down. And as bad as things have gotten, you both have pulled through. She’s gonna be good because she’s strong,” He said.

“Mhm. Plus, she got you. Both of y’all gonna be alright,” Cody chimed in. “And then, y’all got us. And you know we got y’all,” He smiled.

“Yeah, y’all right Y’all know how it is, though,” J shook his head before he felt his phone vibrate, and he pulled it out, checking to see an image-attached text from Nicole—she had taken Beija out for a girls’ day, and she had the courtesy to send pictures of them at lunch. “Speaking of, your wife’s having too much fun kidnapping my woman,” He chuckled.

“Oh God, who knows what they’ll get into. The two of them together are fuckin’ ridiculous,” Ib laughed.

“But are we still going for bowling or not? Because I need to know if I gotta hand y’all that ass whoopin’,” Dame said, and J sucked his teeth as the other men laughed.

“You know what? Let’s go. I’m ready to shut your bean headed ass up,” The men began to pay for their food as they continued their talking and taunting.

November 1, 2017

The office was seemingly in disarray—with an assortment of magazine clippings and articles that hung on the back wall of the space gave off the interior image of a teenager’s bedroom. The left wall that wasn’t accented with the floor to ceiling studio windows were lined with black and white photos of placid women in wedding dresses as they stood with their grooms, hugged up and seemingly in bliss. It was all aesthetically pleasing to the eye, despite the contrasts of everything. Nothing in the office seemed to gleam brighter than the gold-tinted name plate that sat upon the oak desk: Sabrina Bryant, Wedding Planner.

Jermaine tapped his fingers against the arm of the leather chair, glancing over at his fiancée as she rocked in her own seat. In her hands was a notebook that seemed to be a lot bigger than initially thought. Sticky post-it notes and tabs stuck outside of the bounds, and the paper cover was slightly torn, possibly for excessive opening. He noticed the nervous tapping of her boot-clad feet against the black carpeted floor, and he reached to place a hand on her knee. The two locked eyes, and he gave a small smile before he heard the door open behind them.

“I’m so sorry about the delay,” The woman’s shrill voice seemed to bounce off the walls like an extremely elastic ball; her tone was direct and chipper, with no sign of a sarcastic syllable in her slender body. She was about Beija’s skin color, if not darker. Her skin seemed to almost glow in her pastel blue blazer and pencil skirt combo, and the matching stiletto heels were a nice touch as well. Her black hair seemed to flow down her back, and she looked every bit of bourgeois—not the type that he truly enjoyed, however. But according to Beija’s extensive research, she was the best wedding planner on the east coast. He figured if he was going to have what he promised would be his last wedding, it’d be one of the best for him and his girl. “So I heard you had ideas, lay them on me,” She leaned against the corner of the desk as she smiled, her pearly white teeth giving her even more of a glow.

“There’s all right here,” Beija handed the woman her notebook, and Sabrina took it gracefully before slowly reading through the pages. “I wanted something in the Spring, maybe? Outside...somewhere down south,” She said.

“Try to make it during a mild time. With light colors,” Jermaine added.

“I see,” Sabrina tapped a manicured nail against one of the pages before she grinned. “I love these ideas. Practical, stylish...hell, even affordable. I can work with this. If I can keep this, I’d like to draw my own sketches and come back to you with what I come up with,” She suggested.

“Yeah, that’ll work! So the down payment is what, exactly?” Beija asked as she grabbed her wallet, pulling out the red tinted card that differed from her Chase Bank card. The couple owned a pair of matching cards, representing their joint account that sat apart from their separate bank accounts.

Once the down payment was processed, the two headed out of the building before Jermaine slightly stretched his arms above his head before he grabbed his keys from his pocket, unlocking the doors to his SUV as Beija called Gina to check in on Janiya. Their day had been a long one—now that they were actually getting into planning the wedding, it seemed that J was now in a whirlwind of work. The bright side was that he had been through this before; he interjected when he was welcomed to, but Beija had the reigns. The less he interfered the less he stressed on that front.

“Okay, well we’ll be home soon. Don’t let me forget that I have to pay you today. Okay, see you then,” Beija hung up the phone before she buckled up her seat belt, letting out a deep breath. “Okay, J—be real, did you like that caterer from today? He was a bit...uppity, you know?” She tilted her head as she looked at him.

“He was. And the food was dry,” J said, and Beija took out her phone before she began to tap and scroll quickly. “You got any other options?”

“Oh, of course I do,” Beija laughed softly o herself as she continued to scroll through her phone. “Also, I need to know your guest list, baby. Our maximum is 200. I’m up to 40 on my side of the family. And fuck, I still have to figure out all my bridesmaids,” She rattled.

“Who all you got? It’s Lauren, Yana, Sara, Court, Nic...I think that’d be enough, honestly,” J started the car before he allowed it to warm for a bit. “Because if you add anymore I gotta start calling cousins and all types of shit and honestly...” He shook his head with a groan, and Beija laughed softly.

“Yeah, that’ll work. I don’t feel like getting too many of my family directly involved. My parents and brothers are great, and my dad’s side of the family are fuckin’ dope, but my mom’s side...fucking snooty,” Beija huffed. “I don’t wanna deal with that shit, and I know you. You wouldn’t want to either,” She explained.

“Ha, good looking out,” Jermaine chuckled.

It seemed to be nothing but work and more stress when it came to Jermaine and Beija these days. With Beija’s new position within Dreamville, she was doing less work theoretically, but it seemed that if she wasn’t back and forth with emails and talks between she, J, and Ib, she was helping out all of the artists with their music, interviewing and hiring new A&R reps, and working on more ways to capitalize the brand. When not working, Beija was doing motherly duties, as J played his role as a father. He was slowly starting to work on music again as well, and Beija had even somehow gotten him some endorsement offers and now there was a chance for him to get pushed back into commercial success. On top of that, the investigation was still in progress and while the police worked behind the scenes to figure out who was bothering J and his family, his house had become an intrusive place, complete with cameras and security that made themselves hidden in plain sight.

But nothing seemed to be more strenuous than their wedding planning; Beija had most of the ideas down pact, but getting it all together would be one hefty order. Even with the proper finances set into place and them being more than able to be flexible and do what they wanted, trying to find quality for their special day was no easy feat. In the current day alone they had met with two caterers and three potential DJs for the reception. Jermaine had never been more full or more tire of listening to people trying to pitch him a demo CD. He just couldn’t wait to get home and relax...whatever the fuck that meant at this point.

It seemed like so much had changed over the past couple of years. At one point he was considered the underdog that stayed lowkey and out of the way. He figured if he played by his own rules he could cheat the game and win it. But what he probably didn’t realize was that the game had house rules that catered to every type of artist. There was no running from inevitable fates or traumas that would serve as lessons down the line. Now his life seemed to be in overdrive with him holding so many different roles to his name. Jermaine Cole—son, brother, friend, soon-to-be husband, father. J. Cole—lyricist, performer, producer, artist. He guessed he could add ‘object of affection’ to the list of lifestyles. Growing up, he really didn’t have a sense of feeling as if he was one of the handsome guys that got all of the girls, so this feeling was foreign. Even when Beija or even Melissa had fawned over him, he was at a loss of understanding. But he figured they saw something he did not. That was partly the reason why he didn’t take this obsessive admirer seriously in the beginning. He’d have to put a little more faith and belief into both the idea of his own beauty, and the idea that he was not exempt from the storms of a public figure’s life. He could only hope that nothing else would pile onto the situation.

As he pulled his SUV into the driveway, he felt his phone vibrate before he pulled it from his pocket, seeing a number from New York. Furrowing his eyebrows, he answered the phone before he bit into his lip. “Yo, who is this? I don’t have time for—...”

“This is the New Jersey Police Department, Precinct 12,” The automated voice began, and he let out a slight sigh—good, it wasn’t what he thought it was. “You have an incoming call from—Jermaine, you better pick up this fucking—press 1 if you’d like to accept this call,” It was Melissa’s voice.

“Who is that?” Beija asked as he quickly pressed the 1 key, pressing the phone to his ear.

“Mel? What the fuck are you doing at the police station?” He greeted, simultaneously answering Beija’s question as they sat in the car.

“I got arrested because of your ass. What the fuck is going on—I need you to tell them I’m not fucking stalking you. I didn’t even know you were being stalked; you know I’d never do that shit, J!” Mel sounded more frantic than upset, and J could understand that. Despite how he felt about her now, he knew he couldn’t allow her to stay there.

“Give them the phone so I can tell them,” He said simply.

“They said you have to come up here,” Melissa said.

“You know you’re gonna have to go up there, right?” He heard Beija say simultaneously.

Jermaine let out a deep, exasperated groan. He definitely wasn’t resting just yet.

The nearest airport that Jermaine could get to was in Charlotte, and the flight took about an hour before he touched down in Newark, where Melissa had been living since the two separated. He made his way through the city before he reached the right police station, and he got out of the cab he had hailed before he walked through the office, getting a security scan befoe he could flag down an officer.

“Hello, how may I help you?” The officer asked, seemingly unphased by the exhausted look on Jermaine’s face.

“I’m here to bail out Melissa Heholt,” He said, and the officer raised an eyebrow.

“And who are you?” She asked.

“Her ex-husband. I have the money for bail,” He assured, and the officer nodded slowly.

The woman was as Caucasian as it could get, with her blonde hair pulled back in a simple ponytail. Her oceanic blue eyes seemed to scan Jermaine almost cautiously before she nodded. “Go ahead and wait in the front. They’ll take your payment there while I process her release form,” She waved him off, and he scoffed lightly as he followed her directions. He was surely not in the mood to deal with this shit.

He paid the $3,000 bail and then waited in the form area before he saw Melissa come out with the officer’s escorting. As soon as the two locked eyes, he could feel the tension sit on top of his chest like a 100 pound weight. There were so many things that could have been said, but the two said nothing to one another as they headed out of the station. Jermaine flagged down another cab and Melissa gave the cab driver the directions to her home.

Melissa lived in a condo in the midtown area—the surrounding neighborhood was pretty mild and clustered compared to the Staten Island apartment they shared so many years ago. It had a suitable night life and apparently the two bedroom home was spacious enough for Mel to have some breathing room. Deep down, Jermaine was glad that she was doing well for herself. Nicole would give him tidbits about how she had been since their divorce; she was going back to school to get her Doctorate of Education, and she had even found herself a new ‘potential boyfriend.’ Surprisingly, there were no weird feelings that consumed Jermaine when he thought about that fact. He was genuinely glad that she had learned to move on. Whatever she and Beija talked about earlier in the year must have helped.

The cab had stopped in front of the condo complex, and Jermaine was prepared to take the ride back to the airport before he heard Melissa’s question: “Do you want to come in for a bit?”

Jermaine looked at his watch. His next flight back to Charlotte would be about four hours from now. He had time to spare, but he wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea to stay here. “I don’t know, Mel,” He began.

“I just want to talk before you go. Please,” Mel’s eyes held a different type of emotion. The last time he looked into those brown eyes, they were filled with so much pain and disgust for his seeming abandonment. Now, the gaze was curious. There were still some unhashed emotions behind that curiosity.

After all Jermaine had put her through, he silently decided that he owed her one last meeting. He paid the cab driver, and the two made their way up the walkway as the cab drove off. He glanced over and saw the black car that sat in the driveway; hers, he assumed.

Once Melissa unlocked and opened the door, he stepped inside and took a look around the place. Aside from the splashes of rustic country charm, the apartment was contemporary and sleek, just as he always remembered her enjoying her interior spaces. Pictures of she and her family lined the walls, along with some people he didn’t recognize. He didn’t expect to see him amongst these cherished memories anymore. He felt like he was a regret to her now...a lesson learned. A capsule of time that she had now buried under the rubble of the unintentional damage he had brought upon of what was once a happy union...maybe it was happy at one point. He could remember a time that he was happy to have her on his arm. And now, he wasn’t sure what he felt of her.

“Have a seat,” Melissa slid off her leather jacket and tossed it upon the olive chaise that sat in the corner. In the meantime, Jermaine took a seat on the bright red love seat that in any other situation would serve as an eyesore. Here, it tied the room together as a centerpiece. Mel was always unique like that, being able to pull things together even when it didn’t seem to fit.

J watched as the woman sat across from him on the black leather sofa, and he clasped his hands together as he waited. Soon enough he’d be embraced with whatever was left within her that was reserved for him—whether it had been anger, regret, despair or even acceptance, Mel knew how to hold onto Jermaine. They held onto each other well; they had too much history not to. Sometimes he could feel the ghost of her presence when he heard certain chords in his music. After the first couple of weeks after the initial separation, he was haunted by those tearful eyes. It wasn’t longing, though. It was pure guilt.

“What happened to you? Why are they saying I’m a suspect in a stalking case? What is going on?” Mel decided to start at the tip of the iceberg, and Jermaine was thankful for it.

“Somebody’s stalking me—what else can I really say about it? I’m trying to keep it under control,” He said.

“Okay. I guess they pegged me as a suspect because we were together but... you know I’d never do that, right? We have our differences, but I’d never...” Mel trailed off.

“I know. I never suspected you,” J said, and the room went quiet again. He leaned forward and rested his elbows against his thighs, his body slightly hunched as he took a deep breath. “Do you still hate me?”

“What?”

“The last time we talked, you said you hated me, Mel. Do you?”

“I said a lot of shit that night, Jermaine,” Melissa sighed as she ran her hands over her face slowly. He noticed that her hair wasn’t the light brown and black mix that he remembered—the all black look gave her a youthful look. He could remember when she was a teenager with this look. “I...I apologize for antagonizing you that night. I didn’t even realize what the hell even happened until I was called and chewed the fuck out...” She said.

“Nicole?” He asked, and she nodded. Of course Nicole did—Ibrahim probably told her what happened. They were truly like Rosie the Nosy Neighbor and her husband Randolph from R. Kelly’s dramatic series of ‘Trapped in the Closet’ videos. Although they stayed out of the drama most of the time, they were always in the know about things pertaining to Dreamville, and Jermaine especially. The boys met Mel and Nic around the same time—Nicole even introduced Jermaine to Melissa in an attempt to play matchmaker. But unlike most who’d side with one half of the couple or the other, the two loved both Jermaine and Melissa as a unit and as separate people; they just wanted happiness for their friends. Jermaine sometimes wished that they weren’t so damn gossipy, but he figured if Ibrahim was gonna tell his business, the best and most harmless person he could tell it to would be Nicole.

“I just...I was angry. So though I apologize for how I said it...and even some of the things I said about Beija, I do not feel bad for how I felt,” Mel said softly. “I...Jermaine, I still don’t understand. I’ve tried to. I’ve prayed about it, read books, went to therapy, group meetings with other divorcees...I even went as far as going to Beija and asking her what I needed to know and I still don’t understand.”

“What is there to understand, Melissa? I’m asking sincerely,” Jermaine could see that she wasn’t trying to argue, so he wasn’t either. But he wanted this to be put to rest.

“Why her?” She asked, and he sighed. “I don’t mean it to be disrespectful, Jermaine. I just want to understand why you stopped loving me. I want to understand where I went wrong to where you felt like you couldn’t be married or have children with me. I stood by you in times that I probably shouldn’t have...I did everything I could to be the wife I felt you deserved. I loved you. You meant the world to me,” She looked away, and J frowned a bit as he watched her wipe away her tears. “I just need to know what it is about her, truthfully, that made you stop loving me. I want to know what she has, and what I don’t. If you can just answer that, I can finally let this go.”

Jermaine didn’t even know where to start. He was feeling so helpless in this moment because he was finally being forced to face something that wasn’t even covered in therapy. Beija had never asked about this; he figured that she didn’t want to know. He could understand why Melissa wanted to know, though—she had sacrified a lot of her life to follow him to New York when he got into college. She endured long nights of listening to Jermaine make music in their studio apartment, days of having nothing to eat but ramen noodles, and living off of the college loans that he would soon owe in the long run. She had endured the women, the phone calls and texts, the lonely nights and watching him rising while she felt suffocated. He got her anger. But he could never answer why Beija was the one who replaced her.

“The night I met her...we talked about why she was even crossing paths with me,” Jermaine began as he looked up at Melissa. His gaze never left hers as he began to finally let out the best reason he could come up with. “She talked about music like it beat in her heart...it coarsed through her blood. Even before I spoke to her I noticed her presence. I noticed her before she even noticed me. She walked with such a command. She commanded my attention off the bat—her beauty was ordinary by theory. And you were right...she did look like the women I’ve left in sheets around the world. She’s my type,” He gulped down the wad of air that filled the tight confines of his throat. He wasn’t sure if it was air or the threat of tears at this point—Melissa’s tears were moving him to a dark place that he did not want to visit, but he knew that she deserved the truth. “But from when we met, I saw the difference. I see the difference now. She saw right through me from the start. Just like you, she saw through me. But then she dug deeper...deeper than you, Ib, or anyone else ever tried to dig. Everything about her was imprinted in my soul. When our skin brushed against each other I felt jolts in my stomach. She...she gives me butterflies, Mel. ...I feel so fucking bad for saying that. But she did. She still does,” He explained. “Her whole being encompasses the image of strength. She motivated me. She made me think. And everytime she was around me, nothing else mattered. She makes me feel like I’m fucking 14—lanky, fucked up grill, wearing clothes too big for me,” He shook his head. “She was a standard I wanted to reach when I was young...but she goes beyond a dream or fantasy. She has been so genuine, so kind, so helpful. She changed me...my life, Mel. She changed my life.”

“And where do I fall short?”

“Nowhere,” Jermaine shook his head. “I want you to understand that the problem was never you, in my eyes. Subjectively, this is my fault. Objectively though, we both fucked up in this. I took advantage of your kindness and your loyalty, and you allowed me to. We lost a boundary that was detrimental to our growth. I was comfortable and I got arrogant. I felt as if you’d never leave, and after chasing skirts got boring I felt as if I owed you. I felt as if I owed you the family life you wanted. If you had allowed me to, I would have stalled for the rest of our lives,” He admitted. He watched as she held her head down, and he sighed softly. “I’m sorry, Melissa. I truly am. For everything I forced you to endure and for wasting your time. I just thought I was doing what was right at the time; but what I can say is that I do love Beija and it wasn’t some fling or fluke. And all I can tell you is that I feel like she’s my soulmate. You are too, but in a different way. You were in my life for a reason, and despite what you may think of me, I cherish every moment I spent with you. I thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I thank you for the lessons you taught me. I thank you for your love and even your wrath. I thank you for being my friend,” He felt his mouth drying, and he quickly gulped to try to gain his composure again.

He watched Melissa as she sat on the couch, and she quickly wiped her face before she nodded. “I guess...that’s it. That’s what I wanted to know,” She sniffed, and J looked down at his lap. “I honestly could tell why you loved her when she met with me. Do you know how many times I thought of her as nothing but some opportunistic whore? All the times I berated her on phone calls with me mother, all the times I just wished she’d disappear so I could have you to myself...and she came to me with grace. She told me it wasn’t too late for me to love again. She called me beautiful. She told me to take responsibility for myself and learn to love myself. Who the fuck does that? What kind of person can be so kind to a person they know hated them? That’s when I knew why. She’s got that light inside her that you have. The light that draws people to you, Jermaine...she has it, too. And that’s when I knew why you loved her,” She said.

“You have a light inside you too, Melissa. Don’t ever question it,” Jermaine sighed as he rubbed his hand over his beard slowly. “I love you. I may not be in love you, but I got so much love for you. And I hope that one day you can forgive me, and maybe we can be friends. I don’t want bad blood between us,” He admitted.

“I...I love you, too. I’ll always love you, Jermaine. And I don’t hate you. I just...hated what happened. I just said whatever I could so that you’d hurt like me. And I don’t want that, either. I don’t want you to hurt,” Mel managed a smile, and J felt himself ease up a bit. He hadn’t seen her smile in so long. “I’m glad we had this talk. I honestly feel a lot better,” She said.

“I’m glad. I want your happiness,” He reached over and patted her shoulder with a small smile. “And just keep this in mind—if you need me, I’m still here. I got a new phone number but I’ll slide it your way so we can keep in touch. Cool?” He offered.

“You know, I’d like that a lot,” Mel smiled.

The two glanced up when the jiggling of the lock signaled that someone was coming through the door. Jermaine sat up a little straighter as the door opened, and his stomach churned in disgust before he tiled his head. Omari fucking Wilkes, in all of his obnoxious glory. “What the fuck,” He mumbled.

“Oh, I didn’t know you’d come home this early,” Melissa stood up with an oblivious smile before she grabbed Omari’s hand. “This is Omari. ‘Mari, this is uh...my ex-husband, Jermaine. I know it’s weird but don’t worry,” She seemed so happy to see this fucker. But then Jermaine’s mind began to work quickly.

“I know who he is,” Omari nodded slowly before the idea clicked in Jermaine’s mind.

“This your boyfriend or something?” Jermaine asked as he stood up, sliding his hands into the pockets of his sweats. He slowly cocked his head to the side as his eyes seemed to stay transfixed on the man before him. He couldn’t even see Melissa nearby at this point.

“Roommate,” Mel laughed softly before she shook her head. “Don’t be nosey,” She playfully scolded.

Jermaine let his tongue press to the inside of his right cheek before he smiled, and let out a light laugh. “So this is what we’re doing, my nigga? This how you get down?” He asked before he advanced forward and quickly pulled his left hand from his pocket. His hand balled into a fist as he cranked it back, sending a quick punch to the man’s face. His right hand soon joined the violence, and he could feel Melissa trying to pull him back before he could get anymore punches in.

“Jermaine! J, stop! What the fuck?!” Mel stood between the two men, somehow keeping Omari from lunging at Jermaine as he sought out to. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“This nigga is playing you, Mel. This fuck nigga ain’t shit!” Jermaine’s anger seemed to seep into his every pore—his once bright skin was tinted red with rage, and the veins in his neck and arms seemed to protrude as he yelled. “He was fucking with Beija until she stopped fucking with him. Now he tryna fuck with you to fucking spite me!”

“Wait, what? What the hell—what is he talking about, Omari?” Mel turned to the man, and Jermaine breathed deeply as his eyes stayed fixed upon his opponent. “Did you know I was married to him?” She asked.

“Look, Melissa—I didn’t know it was going to get like this. I figured you’d never see this nigga again,” Omari said.

“So you did know. And you were trying to get with me for what? A story to tell? What? I don’t get it,” Mel shook her head. “You know what, forget it. This is done; you need to be out by the end of the month,” She decided.

“Are you serious? I have nowhere else to go until I find a new place back in New York, Melissa. I swear I wasn’t trying to use you. I just saw your ad and I decided to come stay. It has nothing to do with this nigga. I could give a fuck about you,” Omari’s ending statement was directed at Jermaine.

“I fucking doubt it. You knew who the fuck she was the minute you saw her and you sensed an opportunity. That’s how the fuck you roll. Probably the same nigga who told everybody I was with Beija too, huh? You still mad she ain’t give you no pussy so you try to go after who I was with before. You a bitch,” Jermaine’s tone was vicious, and Mel did her best to keep a distance between them.

“Talk all the shit you want; you still out here making a fool of yourself, and for what? I’m actually glad you have her now—your life ain’t been shit but a public circus since y’all started fucking, so I’m cool off you and B,” He laughed. “And she must not be all that good if you all the way in New Jersey still trying to chase your wife. Clown,” He sneered.

“First of all Omari, watch your mouth,” Melissa’s tone of voice was one that Jermaine had never heard—he’s seen her irritated, he’s seen her angry, but whatever was going on in her mind had her at a new level of rage. “That’s not why Jermaine is here; why he’s here hasn’t got shit to do with you. You need to learn to think before you speak. Now that I’m sitting here thinking about it, you knew I existed at least from the blogs that surrounded me. I have no doubt about you using me with that in mind. And now you’re sitting here talking shit for what? You just got punched in the damn face, you fucking idiot. Get the fuck out of my house,” She waved her hand in a shooing motion.

“Incredible. You just have everyone at your fucking disposal, huh? Real cool,” Omari rubbed his jaw as he headed down the hallway towards what had to have been his bedroom.

“Fuck you,” Jermaine damn near wanted to spit at the man—that’s how much he disregarded Omari at this point. But he wasn’t about to spit all over Mel’s furniture, and he wasn’t about to start another fight in her home. “I’m about to go...if I stay here I’m gonna fuck his ass up,” He mumbled.

“Yes, go. You need to make your flight anyway,” Mel huffed before she crossed her arms, noticing his slightly worried expression. “Hey, look; if something happens, I’ll call the police. I know people in this complex too who will help me if things get out of hand,” She said.

“Give me your phone,” Once Melissa handed Jermaine her phone, he placed his number within it before he called his own phone, gaining her phone number as well. He handed her the phone back before he gave her a quick hug. “...Thank you,” He said softly.

“I should be thanking you,” Mel said before the two of them broke embrace. She opened the door to allow him to leave, and he used his Uber app to call a car up. As he stood outside and waited for the car to arrive, he noticed Omari coming outside with some luggage. He said nothing as he watched the man pack up his car.

The two men stared at each other for a moment as the quiet ambience of the evening surrounded them, and Omari gently moved his mouth as if he was trying to pop his jaw back into place. Jermaine laughed in his face. “You’re a fraud, Cole. A whole ass fraud. I wonder how your fans would feel to know what kind of nigga you really are,” Even after suffering blows, Omari seemed to have so much to say. Jermaine had a mind to punch him again.

“I ain’t no fraud. You just mad because I blocked your bullshit twice in a row. You gotta stop preying on women and getting mad when they don’t give you what you want,” Jermaine shrugged. “And you should really stop trying to check me. I’m not above being checked, but I’m far beyond being checked by a bitch nigga like you. And just know that every time I see you, you better walk the other way. Don’t look my way, don’t speak on me or nobody I fuck with, and don’t you dare come up out of your thick ass neck to try to analyze me or my life ever again. Otherwise, I’mma fuck you up every time I see you. Them taps I gave you were light—don’t test me,” As the Uber car pulled up to the curb, Jermaine turned away to walk towards the vehicle. Along the way, he lifted his leg and harshly kicked the side of Omari’s car; the force was so quick and harsh that there was a dent left within the metal, courtesy of his heavy Timberland boots. He slid into the Uber car and slammed the door before the car quickly pulled frm the curb and headed down the street.

[fuckyeahbadcodocs]

Birth Name: Yulia Antonovna Vorobieva [traditional russian naming conventions have been followed for this name, given, patronymic, surname–not tom mention the gender rules have also been followed, which is rare in this fandom. points to the mun for this.]

Current Name: Julia Null Mayfair [wtf kind of middle name is null? as in she HAS none? or…? okay special snowflake, dial back the linkin park] Callsign: Phoenix [speaking of special snowflake…. in my experience, the best fucking callsigns are literally the ones where you looked at a random object and went “that”… like “coffin” or “stiletto”.] Rank: Agent Specialty: Intel Allegiance:  Captain Price [price has like 3 friends…. soap, macmillan and sandman–but then I’ll bet you’re in the 141 (which evidently has a cast of thousands), so I guess that counts. sort of.]                      Yuri Alkaev                       Task Force 141 [do I get bonus points?]                       MI-5                      Gary ‘Roach’ Sanderson [yeah. you and the rest of the fucking fandom. wtf is y’alls fixation with a pair of arms????]                      Alkaev crime family Past allegiances: MI-5 Section H Date of Birth: January 13th, 1981 Age: 34 (Variant) [this is a reasonable age for SF. good on you] Place of Birth: Leningrad, Russia (Now St. Petersburg) [clearly, the mun gives a shit about their character’s country of origin] Face Claim: Jennifer Connelly [normally, we don’t judge good or bad on FC’s or art, but DAMN GET IT GURL] Height: 5’9”/175 cm [thank you for not being a midget like the rest of the female OC’s I deal with Weight: 130 lb/59 kg [ur dying. eat something. not skinny shaming here, just trying to save a 5′9″ woman’s like because christ, she’s like skin and bones] Hair: Black, falls to waist Eye: Pale blue [join the club. are they shimmery like crystals or chilly like ice?] Ethnicity: Caucasian Sexuality: Demisexual

Character Profile-

History - 

Born in St. Petersburg to an apparently single mother, Yulia Vorobieva’s earliest years were reportedly average. Her mother, Dominika, took care of Yulia to the best of her abilities, supporting herself and her daughter through her work as an artist. The child was raised in a home that was by all accounts happy, until her mother’s sudden death in an automobile wreck in 1986. After this, Yulia fell off the radar for nearly ten years once taken in by her father. More is known about her father’s actions during this time than Julia’s own. [tragic backstory time–though so far this one’s pretty tame… we shall see.] Vorobiev, a former Spetsnaz operative [of course], tuned to mercenary work upon his dishonorable discharge early in his military career. Apparently unsatisfied with the direction his life was taking, the young soldier turned to political activism in his spare time, becoming a noted supporter of anarchy. Known to have had a hand in several riots and violent demonstrations, he spent much of his late twenties in jail, and eventually separated from his wife. Upon Dominika’s death several years later, Vorobiev took custody through abducting his daughter before returning to a stronghold in a largely uninhabited section of the Ural mountain range, near Usva village. [ngl, kinda intrigued and also wondering why an anarchist activist living in the mountains would want his daughter at all–what a fucking pain] The reclusive man, now a leader in the Eastern European anarchist movement, led a private war against the governments of several countries, funded through illegal activities that included drug trade, human trafficking, and extortion. For nine years, the anarchist leader was unable to be found, untouchable by the west and his own countrymen. [I’ll bet he also abused her. wanna take that bet?] In early 1997, Yulia was once more sighted, after nearly a decade missing.  Soldiers from a specialized task force were sent to neutralize the threat posed by Vorobiev, and were successful in their assassination. The only reported survivor of the massacre in the Anarchist leader’s stronghold was a young girl, later to be identified as Vorobiev’s own teenaged daughter. [because those dudes wouldn’t have shot a child by accident in all the gunfire or on purpose because they may or may not have been fucking psychos to assault a bunch of Russians in a fucking mountain base] When brought in for questioning by the Russian government, the girl was said to have been skittish and dis-associative, traits that would later lead to a PTSD diagnosis. [join the club, they have jackets (and husbandos like Soap)] Showing signs of severe abuse, [THERE it is! I knew it. her father only wanted her so he could abuse her and give her to his men, probably. I’m actually surprised the bio doesn’t go into that, ‘cause they usually do. thanks for sparing us] Yulia was questioned, but refused to speak. With Americans and the British clamoring for the information that the girl might have, and distrusting the only recently post-Soviet Russian government, both offered to hear the girl out. [because the CIA and MI6 are so willing to wait for information–they often make offers to teenage girls. my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. Yulia accepted the offer presented by the English, on her own terms. She woulbe given asylum, UK citizenship, and be given the name of a soldier involved in the raid on her father’s base. [here comes princess sparklebeans, the super soldier] Yulia shared what she knew, had most of her terms met, and was eventually turned loose to a series of group homes to try and rehabilitate the nearly feral child back into normal society. [but she was able to comprehend such a deal from the british government, despite being Mowgli] After several years being passed between foster homes, struggling with society and her education, Julia finally aged out of the system and entered college, studying to one day join MI-5. From the day her father died, the girl seemed to have made it a goal to find and help the man that had, in her own words, freed her. Once out of school, Yulia, having renamed herself Julia Mayfair, filled a small opening in MI-5. The team she joined were mainly desk jockeys, tasked with making sure no Ultranationalist threats entered the UK, and any that did slip through were dealt with. [How’re a bunch of pencil-pushers gunna accomplish that, I wonder?]

Julia found herself satisfied with her work, if lacking in some areas. Her various neuroses and social anxiety made for poor field work, at least where getting close to others was concerned, but her skill for manipulation showed through in interrogations and problem-solving. Quick-thinking and sharp-tongued, Agent Mayfair soon proved herself a valuable asset whilst in the Grid, and proved eager to please her superiors. Most were, however, concerned by Mayfair’s apparent lack of a personal life, something that was scrutinized greatly in her time with the secret service.

Joining the 141 - [Haven’t we discussed ladies in the 141? Seems like I’m always harping on this.] After more than a decade of successful work for MI-5, Julia’s career was pushed into an exciting new direction: Looming unemployment and lawsuits. [You have my attention.] After having gotten violent with a particularly physical young soldier outside of a club, an event that ended with the man maimed, Julia was facing several charges, including assault. Awaiting charges, General Shepherd approached the interrogation wunderkid and offered to make her legal struggles vanish if she would just work for the 141. Knowing the man who saved her life had moved on from the SAS to the 141, she accepted willingly, desperate to see the man that meant so much to her. [wait, this’s Price, right? Also how the fuck-shit-stack did she know ANYONE on the roster of the 141–unless Shep used it as leverage? But why would he do that, or care? fuck, man…. just… fuck]

In the 141 / Thread Interactions - At first, the woman seemed an odd fit for the elite task force [what with being a… WOMAN an’ all], with no formal military training [ lemme guess, she’s bad with guns and only uses knives and–okay I’ll stop] and national origins that made her an easy target. While her skill was in no way doubted at first, her social capabilities once again caused no small amount of issues in her daily life on base [but I thought she had no formal military training–that’d be where I’d start doubting]. Her victim-like bearing attracted much trouble, including an incident where Julia was assaulted by a particularly ill-tempered soldier for speaking against him. After a spectacularly botched mission in Romania, Julia was kept away from action for the foreseeable future. With more time on base, Julia realized she would have to find a place to belong. [in Price’s bed, I’m guessing] Befriending a local civilian [idk if they let these psychos “offbase” on their “downtime”… I fucking wouldn’t] by name of Yuri Alkaev, Julia slowly started to adapt to her new life. The tipping point between the timid woman who entered the 141 and the more capable person she has become came one night in a drunken fit. Julia rather harshly called out the soldier who assaulted her for her wrongdoings upon discovering she was not the only woman who had faced his wrath. Despite backlash for her actions, Julia felt herself justified, and walked with a bit more confidence having been able to face her enemy. Having made several friends out of coworkers, Julia seems to have truly settled into the 141, no longer being an FNG or a total outsider. Still, the taste of being able to have power over someone left an impact on Julia, who found herself wanting more respect in the months since her calling out of the sergeant. Having stood by the 141 loyally, Julia has proved a capable worker and asset to the 141 intelligence department, giving her all to help her coworkers to win the fight against militant Ultranationalists. Her true allegiance is not, however, to the 141 itself. With a devotion to Captain Price [OH FUCK here it is.] that most would call unsettling, there is no doubt where the woman’s loyalties lie. Her strong relationship with her career tends to highlight her lack of a personal life, of which some rumor is made among fellow intel operatives, but little is ever brought up to Julia directly.[Lemme guess, because she’s so scary.]  Regardless of Julia’s devotion for the older captain, her loyalty to Yuri has proven nigh-unbreakable, especially after he supported her growing want for power. Yuri’s recently being revealed as working for Vladimir Makarov, before defecting from the Inner Circle and agreeing to work against his former employer, has prompted frightful changes in the woman. Her adoration of Yuri, no matter how pure, has set her down a path that no one could account for, where she plays a bit closer to the Devil than the 141 would ever allow. If anyone in the 141 was made aware, there is no doubt she would be branded a traitor, perhaps even executed for associating with public enemy number one. [Lemme guess, bich gon’ sleep with him]

Julia’s work with Makarov is a closely guarded secret, and the only ones aware are the two involved and Yuri. Even Julia cannot say for sure if her dealings with the Ultranationalist leader are a play for power, or building towards revenge for the man she considers brother. Survival has, as ever, been an important goal for Julia, and her communications with Makarov could be a way of ensuring no matter who wins the coming war, she has the connections to survive and gain power. Love for Yuri, however, makes her eager to tear Makarov apart, and it is just as likely her dealings with the man are simply a diversion until such a time as she can avenge the horrors her brother suffered. [How the fuck do these girls get close to this fuckin’ dude?!] As it is, Julia stays several steps ahead of both members of the conflict, entertaining her own ideals and goals for the present.

After noticing several discrepancies in pre-existing files, Julia was brought to the brink of questioning her mental state. Had she disassociated and misread the files the first time? Had she uncovered some sort of plot? Upon bringing her concerns to General Shepherd, her career savior seemed less concerned than she would have preferred, but he seemed to have taken note of her anxieties worsening. Deciding that the woman was dealing with some sort of cabin fever brought on by her desk job, the General pushed her towards more work in her field. [Does that… happen? “Ur getting bored behind ur desk so go shoot some bitches”]

It was through cooperation with her old allies in MI-5 that Julia began her work to expand the 141’s sphere of influence. By making professional alliances with a noted Secret Service agent that had once outranked her, as well as cultivating a friendship with a certain MI-6 operative of some infamy, Julia has made herself a well-connected woman of growing influence.

Now tied up in a web of her own devising, Julia believes herself to have the connections and means with which to survive no matter the outcome of the gathering storm. The greatest threat to her security now is the possibility of her schemes being uncovered, her life now hinging on if she is unveiled as a traitor or not. Many have said the games she plays have made her her father’s daughter, comparable to the monster that destroyed her, but Julia is above such ‘mindless prattle.’

She does what she must to survive, just as she always has. You can be brutal without being cruel, she has decided, and that is the shade of difference between Vorobiev and his daughter.

Repeating such a thought helps her sleep more easily, when she has the time for it.

Characterization-

Personality: When it comes to Julia, the first thing thing to come to mind will be either hard-working or frightening. After a long stint being too afraid to speak up or be seen, Julia has finally begun to shake some of her timid nature while working for the 141, mainly through anger. Once she was too nervous to speak to others, and can now find it in her to order others around. While far from being over the trauma that caused her previous behavior, she is at least able to work around her shy nature now, if only in anger. Julia puts her all into working, and will be the first one into the office and the last one out. She enjoys the distraction from her thoughts that her work offers, and in addition has a real passion for her chosen field. The work is fun, at least to her, and she enjoys pouring over documents and trying to decipher the enemy’s next move. Despite Julia’s growing sense of self-importance, she has a kind heart to those she deems worthy, and will gladly help others if she is capable. She looks out for her own, and would do anything for those who earn her trust. Showing herself to be reserved, professional, and helpful, Julia is considered a great asset to her department. Despite Julia’s virtues, she can also show a sharp tongue and a lack of mercy to those that wrong her. Unforgiving and obsessive, Julia can make a terrible enemy, and has put her skill as an interrogator to use tearing down those who have hurt her. Deeply haunted by her nightmarish childhood, she clings desperately to those that show her respect and affection, and her loyalty runs deep to a fault. She does not give up on her views of others, and is set in her ways. A habitual liar, it is unlikely anyone really knows the woman beneath the snowy exterior, and Julia wears her lies so comfortably that it is unlikely anyone will unless she allows it. She is known to smother her own issues and carry on as best she can without sharing her problems, until she inevitably breaks down. Even as Julia grows into her voice and her view of herself, she still shows remnants of her previous nature, including anxiety that she cannot shake no matter how she tries. This anxiety is often leveled at those men who approach her, and crowds in general. Single-minded to a fault, Julia’s hardworking nature easily turns to a workaholic nature, and she can and will run herself ragged over work that needs doing. [Okay, fairly well-plotted and in-depth tbh] Skills and abilities: Shepherd tapped Julia for the 141 mainly due to her astounding skill at interrogation. [Maybe I missed how she went from desk work to “interrogation” and what happened to being savage without being cruel?] The woman has a talent for dressing people down to their bare bones, and can talk the unprepared into anything from confessing their crimes to even suicide. She can play any number of roles to ensure cooperation from her targets, and can have even the worst men eating out of her hand with a little time and effort. She also has a sharp mind, which is infinitely useful for her career. She is meant to decipher possible Ultranationalist movements and motivations, and is a good logical thinker. Her critical thinking and problem solving are impeccable. Julia is a more than capable hunter, patient and good with a knife. [I almost gave this my OH GREAT ANOTHER KNIFE SPECIALIST treatment… except this is just extra, so I’ll let it pass.]A childhood spent hunting in the wilds of the Ural Mountains have honed her skill to a fine, knife-like edge, though this skill is hardly necessary in her new life. Habits:   Julia has picked up a habit of smoking when stressed, though only in extreme situations. She has a habit of fidgeting and picking at her clothes or toying with her hair and fingers when nervous. She tends to flub English turns of phrase regularly. Strengths:  Julia is very good at manipulating people, which is invaluable in her line of work. Personally, she proves incredibly resilient to trauma and the darker aspects that the world has to offer her. [Well, at least she’s admitted she’s manipulative; extra points for using it consciously…] Flaws:   Julia’s obsessive nature is a double edged sword both personally and professionally. She holds those she cares for too tightly, and refuses to let go of work when given it, no matter the cost for either.

History -

Education: College graduate, Newcastle University alumni Previous employment: MI-5 Section H (Anti-Ultranationalist Unit) Prior stations: Thames House Service record: Operative and Intel Analyst for MI-5 Conduct record: Assault (wiped clean upon joining 141) Parents: Anton Vorobiev, terrorist/anarchist leader/ex-Spetsnaz, deceased                  Dominika Reznova, [Wait... like Reznov? Viktor Reznov? STOP] artist, deceased

Health-

General health: Good constitution, though lacking in stamina; Healthy. Physical build: Thin, fragile [And thus Shepherd said “yes, I want this waif on my team of burly badasses…. or not] Physical illnesses: Anemia [Same applies.] Mental illnesses: PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia, Nightmare Disorder [join the club, ya special snowflake] Scars: Long, ugly scar running deep from under her right armpit to the bottom of her ribs, gained as a result of falling out of a tree as a girl; Small circular burn scar on neck from being careless with a curling iron in college. Health record: Admitted for a near overdose on prescription medication in 2002.  Medications: Prazosin, Zoloft. [Not in SF, darlin’. That ain’t gunna fly. Hell, I don’t think you can be on that shit in the regular military, either… much less a highly-selective, super-elite, semi-para-military outfit like the 141] Possible handicaps in the field: Low stamina, weak. Possible handicaps in daily life: Anxiety; Haphephobia (Fear of touch); Erotophobia (Fear of sex) Dietary restrictions: None Allergies: Penicillin [good, this a believable, common allergy]

[christinamirabilis]

ask meme for the lols cos i’m sick and sad and feeling sorry for myself

Sunrise or sunset?  Sunrise

Are you mentally ill?  Like, I have a mental illness, but I’m not ill.

Are you physically ill?  I have a nasty cold right now.

What is the most expensive thing you have bought?  Either my scooter or the electric piano I used to have, they cost roughly the same I think.

Do you have a job?  Yes I work in a bookstore.

Are you in school?  I’m at university.

Are you a dropout?  I have dropped out of university in the past.

Are you in college?  I’m at university.

Introvert or extrovert?  Most of the time I think I’m an introvert but then occasionally I wonder if I might be an ambivert but honestly it doesn’t really matter.

What do you think when you look at your body?  Gross but nice titties.

What have others said when they look at your body?  Nice titties.

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?  Quite a few, but Goodbye by Apparat ft. Soap & Skin always makes me feel things, and usually not in a good way, I associate it pretty strongly with my suicide attempt in 2013

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? S and I went dancing at Boogie Wonderland just before it closed down - that was the night of my last choir concert, and we had had dinner with my parents, and we had a few drinks and went out dancing and we were so happy and in love and couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

Are you confident wearing a bikini?  Nah but I do it anyway.

Can you look people in the eyes while talking?  Mostly, but sometimes I become aware of the fact that it is polite to make eye contact and all of a sudden it feels like a terrible struggle to maintain it.

Has anything terrible happened to you?  Everyone has had at least one terrible thing happen to them.  I guess the worst thing that has happened to me is that people hurt me when I was very young and that made me unwell.

Has anything wonderful happened to you?  I had the chance to become well again and hopefully turn my experiences to good.

Favourite part of your personality?  I don’t know, but I do think I am very resilient and reasonably empathetic?

Least favourite part of your personality?  Hoo boy where do I start?  Probably my lack of motivation/tendency to procrastinate.

Favourite part of your body?  Titties.

Least favourite part of your body?  Everything that’s not the titties.

Favourite quote?  “Last year I abstained / This year I devour / Without guilt / Which is also an art” - Margaret Atwood.

Do you have friendships with all genders?  More or less.

Do you have a good relationship with your father?  Yeah, it wasn’t good when I was a teenager but it’s good now.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?  Yeah, as above.

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?  As above haha.

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?  Yeah lmao.

Have you ever had a near death experience?  Two should-be-dead near-death experiences, two could-have-died near-death experiences.

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?  No.

Have you ever tried to take your own life?  Five times.

Biggest lie you have told?  “No I’m not planning to hurt myself.”

Do you follow any conspiracies?  I mean, I don’t know what this question is asking.

Do you believe in a New World Order?  I have no idea because I know nothing about it, but the kinds of people that talk about the New World Order are, in my experience, also the type of people who seem to be anti-vaccination and hold generally very unscientific views about the world, so I am very sceptical.

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?  I mean, I guess so, we’re supposed to be one of the least corrupt countries in the world, so I suppose I have little to complain about, but we’ve had a conservative government since 2008 and I feel like everything would be a lot better if they were no longer in power, fingers crossed that Labour get their shit together for the election this year (although I will and always do vote for the Greens).

Is there currently any strife in your country?  There’s probably some avocado shortage or something, or, actually, I did read an article this morning about people complaining about bee poop in Whanganui, but that’s it.

Have you ever been displaced within your country?  No.

Are your friendships healthy?  I would say so.

Are you currently fighting with a friend?  Not that I’m aware of.

Are you jealous of a friend? Why?  Not currently.

Do you believe in the Illuminati?  See the answer to question 34.

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?  See the answer to question 34.

How can people tell you are nervous?  If i’m either quiet or talking more than usual, fidgety, shaky, stuttering a lot, etc.

How can people tell you are sad?  Quiet, withdrawn, tendency to isolate and not really eat.

Do you ever express your true feelings?  Whenever I can.

Regrets in your life?  Not doing my best to hold on to the love of my life, taking so long to figure out where the fuck my life is going.

Achievements in your life?  Not being dead, I did some cool music stuff once, I bought a vegetable last week.

What did people say about you in school?  Psycho attention-seeking lesbian but also really smart.

What did you say about people in school?  Please do not pay attention to me and let me be psycho in peace also I have never had a gay thought iN MY LIFE

Is there something you have never told anyone?  I don’t think so.

Have you committed an illegal act?  Of course, who hasn’t?  I have jaywalked and pirated and even shoplift a couple of times.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?  Get someone to show me how to buy shares, then buy one million dollars worth of shares.  The next day, liquidate it all, chuck it in my bank account, dolla dolla bill y’all!  and then get on the first flight to Canada.

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?  Ballerina, novelist, composer, death.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?  I don’t remember it, I was drunk and then he date raped me.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?  Low income.

Are you from a broken marriage?  No, my parents are extremely married.

Have you been raised by a solo parent?  As above

Do you know both your parents?  As above.

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?  Blue eyes, purple hair, pale af white skin.

Have you abused drugs or alcohol?  Nah.

What languages can you speak?  English, some French, a tiny bit of NZSL.

Do you conform to your society’s standards?  I live in a very loose-individualistic culture so there really aren’t a lot of standards to conform to.  But I am a purple-haired lesbian who is covered in self-harm scars so I guess I’m not the poster child for this society.

Do you cry often?  Not usually, but I have cried a lot in the past four months or so.

Do you tell people what you think of them?  It depends on whether I like them or not.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments?  It depends on the compliment and the person giving the compliment.  But I do my best because I know that the person giving the compliment usually means it.

Are you comfortable giving compliments?  Yeah, I think people should know their good qualities, plus it costs nothing to bring a little positiveness to someone’s day.

Is any mental illness hindering your life?  It doesn’t make it easy, no.

Is any physical illness hindering your life?  Right now this cold is stopping me from being comfortable.

Do you keep up with current events?  Not really, only things that I passively read or hear about, I’m too sensitive and I just get upset otherwise.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?  People in Whanganui are upset about bee poop.

What have you done today?  Very little, because I’m sick - woke up from a nightmare about S, cried because I miss her and I always get stupid emotional when I’m sick, went back to sleep, got up late and had a shower, ate some food and finished watching A Series of Unfortunate Events, went to the supermarket, came home and sat on the couch and started watching Legion, and that’s pretty much it.

Do you sleep well?  Normally, if I take all my meds - prazosin to stop most of the nightmares, magnesium for muscle relaxation, helps sleeping oh my god I feel like everyone should take it because it’s amazing.

Do you sleep badly?  I mean, like, the answer to the previous question probably answers this one.

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?  Yeah and I regret it every day.  But the person I hurt and I are on good terms and they’ve forgiven me for it, so that’s nice.  I used to do stuff like that when I was 19 and really unwell, in residential treatment, but I haven’t done it since then, so it was a pretty nasty realisation that I had done that, but I guess it was a measure of just how unbearably I was hurting, and just how much I loved the person who was the cause of the hurt.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?  Yeah.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?  I had to end a friendship with someone because they were really frickin awful and told me that I didn’t deserve access to the rape crisis service that helped me deal with my sexual abuse trauma (that this person knew about) as much as they did, because they’re trans, and that to not admit that my sexual abuse was somehow not as bad as theirs was transphobic.  So, yeah, you can see why I ended that relationship, although this person still probably feels like the wronged party - I don’t know, though, I haven’t spoken to them in two years, and honestly I have never missed them even a little bit because they were extremely hard work to be friends with, one of the most self-absorbed people I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?  Yeah.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?  Haha, yes.

Do you like your laugh?  I think it’s kind of ugly although I don’t really think about it much, but I’ve heard from others that it’s cute so idk.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?  No, I plan to just let it happen and lie down on the ground with a paper bag over my head, Hitchhiker’s Guide-style.

Do you have any funny family stories?  Not really, my family are boring as fuck.

Are you religious?  No.

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?  I mean, I guess, but they’re certainly not my favourite genre.

Are you interested in cults?  I don’t want to BE in a cult, but I do find them very interesting.

Would you like to raise a family in your country?  I guess so, my country’s pretty good.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?  I honestly can’t think of anything apart from minor material objects that mean nothing and the lack of which had zero impact on my life.  I guess, I could have done with a normal childhood in that I never felt secure, always felt scared, and that was down to the sexual abuse that I suffered.  If I hadn’t been abused, I would have been able to feel safe, and, like, that would have made a huge difference.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?  No, she’s only two and a bit years younger than me.

Are you from a blended family?  No.

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with marriage.  And I don’t take the view that some queer people take that marriage equality is assimilationist - although I do very much agree that it really only benefits middle-class and up white cis queers, because marriage is not something that working-class queers care about when they’re literally just trying to stay alive, so marriage is the least of the problems.  But apart from the fact that marriage equality is only a superficial victory in the queer struggle for equality, I do still think that it is a nice, important step, like, it is good for morale in some ways I think.  Anyway, that doesn’t answer the question.  I think, for myself, I would like to get married.  I kind of want all of the things I wanted as a little girl, even though I assumed that it would be with a man - marriage, honeymoon, travelling the world together, raising children together.  Things that I wanted, and then thought I would never have when I was convinced that I was going to die, and that nobody would ever love me regardless.  And then I learned that I was gay, and I learned that I really did want to be loved, and I did want all those things that little-girl me wanted.  But, honestly, that stuff is not important.  Getting married is not important, the travelling the world together is not important, even raising children together is not important - what I want, more than anything, is to be with my soulmate and to love and be loved unconditionally.  And whatever adventures await us is all I need.  That probably sounds cheesy and idealistic but, yeah, I don’t know.  That’s just what I want.  Unfortunately I still have a pretty concrete, unshakeable belief that S is my soulmate and so yeah, that’s pretty hard, but yeah.  We’ll see what the future holds.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?  I don’t know what the nicest thing EVER said to me was, but the nicest thing I remember recently was when my kaiako at wānanga told me that I reminded him of a friend of his, someone that is really cool, and that he thought I seemed like a really cool person - he said this to me even though he had only met me a couple of times, and had no reason to say this, and just, yeah, it was really genuine and it made me feel really good.

Do you keep a journal?  Not anymore.

Would anyone be hurt by reading it?  Not anymore.

Do you have children?  No.

Have you been pregnant?  Hell no.

List your favourite movies?  Nah too hard.

List your favourite people?  Nah too many.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?  No birthmarks.  I have scars on my arms and my right thigh from self-harm, one under my right eyebrow from an old eyebrow piercing, and one on the bottom of my left foot from when I had a veruca cut out when I was 13.

Do you look after yourself?  Lmao no.

Do you put yourself or others first?  It depends on the situation, I try my best to do the right thing.

Are you happy today?  Not really, I’m sick and I miss S so frickin much.

Are you loved?  Yes, but not the way I’d like to be loved.