#I might not post until after Monday bc I’m not home

[noyoudidntbye]

Day 7: Steam

[citrinecanary]

it’s that special time for a rant in the tags. (12/21/21)

[ecl1pse]

little over a week before my trip to mu uncle’s my best friend told me she had been taking care of little girl for a few hours when her mom told her the little was feeling unwell. they went to the hospital & tested positive for covid. i told her to get pcr test asap but she said she went home & wanted to wait & see if she got any symptoms beforehand. i said it was fine but just stay put in her room & not make any food for her family bc that was how i got my family sick back in jan. well, the day that i was traveling out of the city, right as i was finishing getting ready she called me to say she was feeling an itchy throat & had a headache.she said she was setting up the appointment for her test for the next day & i told her to again stay put until her results came in 48 hrs after. this would be on friday but she said she was planning on going back to help out w that little girl on monday bc she & her mom were feeling better. i got so pissed i told her i had to hang up & finish packing. i was already done packing but i was so mad i had write my part on message bc i knew if i continued the call o was going to scream at her & cause a fight. so i did that & she replied that the test wouldn’t matter bc she was going back anyways & the mom was fine bc she didn’t care abt covid, hadn’t even gotten vaccinated. i didnt reply bc i was abt to board & i was growing livid + i had shit i had to be busy with instead of this. i think having those messages sitting in my inbox every time i went to reply to someone else bc i didn’t really enjoy my trip as much as i could have & it took me over two weeks to reply. but i knew i had to do it bc her birthday is tomorrow & i would feel horrible if i didn’t try to reach back again & idk… mend things before that. i just. i don’t know what else to say besides i’m surprised she’s letting herself be influenced by someone so irresponsible of her own children, so i messaged her that.

idk. i feel like i might be exaggerating things… but i mean, isn’t this kind of behavior why we can’t fucking get out of a pandemic??? i know it might be hypocritical of me considering i literally line up for two hours to cross the border like 3 times a week & spend at least 4 hrs in a store full of people. but at least i’m trying take precautions. i never take my mask off unless i’m drinking or waiting. no matter how hot i’m getting. i’m washing my hands every time i go back. i’ve been sleeping on a very tiny couch at home almost every night since i came home just in case, esp after i started getting a scratchy throat which was nothing bc im currently sharing a bed w my sister & i don’t want her to get sick.

again i dont know what to do & i don’t wanna end our friendship over this bc we’ve been friends for so long & really do care for her & i love her dearly. i want her to be well & healthy & happy so i was pushing her to at least make sure she had covid so she could take proper care of herself. the uncle i visited is a doctor w his own private practice in a low income area in monterrey & he told us so many sad stories while i was there that i wish i could have recorded him to show her later. cuz even tho we both are social recluses & our lives didn’t change much post this whole ordeal, it doesn’t mean that we should be treating it so lightly. or maybe i’m just being annoying & wanting to be right. i just don’t know

[yuezhong]

Lavender and Jasmine

rengoku kyojuro x g/n reader comfort + modern au 

A/N: this is dedicated to @redgokus event and @wisteriashouse (my two writing senpais for Rengoku writings.) Also tagging @kingtamakimurder​ bc she said she wanted to be tagged in it, and @adoriable​  love you bbys <33

Brief summary: kyojuro comforts you after a tiring day at work

Genres: fluff, comfort

Warnings: none

Word count: 925

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Mondays were your most dreaded days of the week.

You worked in a cozy little coffee shop in the heart of ikebukuro, a little further from your  house which was situated in shibuya. With your position as a barista, it was your duty to be in charge of prepping the beverages, namely caffeinated ones for customers who frequented the small shop.

Mornings and afternoons were the peak hours in your workplace everyday. Patrons trickled in like a constantly flowing stream to make their purchases, college and university students alike went about projects on their laptops, sounds of their fingers pressing on the keys of their respective keyboards and scribbling of their pencils scratching against paper created a pleasant backdrop of white noise. Children who tagged along with their parents clung tightly to their sides; whereas some that were more mischievous scampered around the shop animatedly, their eagerness to explore the place spurred them to forego any warnings given by their poor parents and the employees. 

Still, you love your job. Your co-workers always had your back, your boss is extremely considerate and understanding, your regulars being the sweetest people who enjoyed striking up a conversation with you everytime they dropped by⎯⎯mostly to catch up with you on your daily life and wellbeing. 

And of course, Your loving boyfriend whose presence never failed to dismiss the post-work blues as well as soothe the exhaustion that goes hand-in-hand. To help you take all the tiredness away, to melt the remains of after-work jitters into ashes when you have had to deal with an unpleasant customer, to laden you with all his sweetness and compassion. 

Rengoku Kyojuro. Your lips curl into a fond smile as the image of your lover’s vibrant one that always made your heart race and serotonin levels spike snakes into your train of thought. Boarding the subway with haste, you seated yourself on one of the vacant seats in the express, heels bouncing with anticipation of being greeted by his sunshine grin.

A few more gruelling hours crawl by when the train finally halts at the station of shibuya. Descending the metro while humming along to a random song currently playing on your Spotify playlist, you added a skip to your steps in hopes of speeding up your pace despite the lethargy that was yanking at your ankles and the aches that resonated throughout your entire body. 

Fortunately, the walk back home didn’t last very long. In a mere fifteen minutes, you were met with a familiar door that led to the two-storeyed terrace you shared with your beloved. Fishing for your keys through the various collection of items in your paper brown messenger bag, a silent curse escapes your lips as you fumble with a tube of lip balm to free the ring of the bundle that had somehow gotten stuck below it.

With a few more tugs, you managed to pull the little ring of trouble free successfully. Inserting the key into the lock, you turned it and pushed the door open⎯⎯exhaling a fatigued ‘I’m home’.

“Darling!” Kyojuro beams, making a beeline for you before gathering you into his strong arms, hoisting you up and twirling you around. 

“Kyo!” Squealing, you squeezed his shoulders; a small laugh bubbling out of you as your eyes shuttered into the shapes of crescent moons.

With his goofy grin still plastered on his face, he set you down. 

“How was work today?”

The exasperated sigh that left your lips said it all. Nodding, a flicker of comprehension materializes in his eyes- red irises ringed with gold, eyes that flared with the semblance of flames; though not scorching with intensity, but mellow and warm. 

“Say, why don’t you go ahead and have a cup of tea while I go draw you a bath hm?” Wrapping a gentle arm around your shoulders, he hustles you towards the dining table⎯⎯where the mug of piping hot beverage awaits, steam still wafting and emitting a light, floral scent which you recognized instantly.

“Jasmine tea?” 

He nods in affirmation again, then goes on to ramble about how he heard that jasmine tea is good for rejuvenating the spirit after a long day and whatnot⎯⎯until a relieved groan from you draws his attention back.  

“Oh right! The bath!” Sprinting into the bathroom, the sound of running water that hits the tub is heard, followed by rustling as Kyojuro opens a plastic bag and empties its contents, placing them gingerly in the innermost corner of the bathtub. 

Curiosity piqued, you placed the now lukewarm drink back onto the table and padded to where your lover was. Hearing your footsteps, the man turns around to give you a momentary glance before resuming his task.

“What are those?” His line of sight followed your finger and landed on the two bottles of essential oils. 

“Lavender and Vetiver essential oils! I heard both have calming effects and can help relax the body and soul! Hence I went to Kocho-san’s apothecary shop to purchase them!” He chirps.

As you continue to watch him, you couldn’t help but feel the corners of your lips lift up in the slightest. 

“Thank you…” enveloping him into a hug from behind, you whispered, resting your chin on his left shoulder. 

Kyojuro only smiles as his right hand creeps into your hair, ruffling it lovingly. 

The start of your day might have been rough, but it ended on a tuneful note with Kyojuro by your side⎯⎯the evening sun casting its rays onto both of your skins, illuminating you two in an incandescent twinkle.

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if you wish to be tagged in any of my works, do state your username and the character(s) you want to be added to in this post 

[songofsaraneth]

Ok now that I have time/space to breathe again, I wanted to do a writeup on the unusual reaction I had to the second Covid vaccine dose. I debated posting this, because I don't want to go against the "I was vaccinated and it's fine!" encouragement train. And I 1000% encourage EVERYONE to get vaccinated if possible. But I have not seen much documentation of the averse symptom I got, except in some case studies I specifically looked up so details below. Big TMI/gross warning however. 

Mostly I'm posting this because I had to do SO much self-advocating/arguing with the Dr at my urgent care clinic, and if you're not as read up on weird medical issues as I am, you might not be comfortable doing that. But IANAD, just describing my experience and what I read, which ended up being very long because it was awful and I have a lot to complain about I guess, sorry.

Basically: for me the vaccine triggered an inflammation response, which in itself is normal. The usual muscle aches/joint pain/slight fever. It also triggered an outbreak of ulcers in my soft tissues. Basically, a bunch of canker sores in my mouth/throat. I am already prone to getting these when I get sick or stressed out, so no biggie, annoying and painful but I could handle them. Canker sores are distinct from cold sores in that they form inside the mouth as crater spots, usually around the size of a pencil eraser (though can be bigger or smaller), and will develop a white film across the crater as they develop and start to heal.

An unfortunate fact I have learned: the mouth is not the only exposed “soft tissue” of the body. this group also includes genitals.

So 2 days after the vaccine I noticed a "burning sensation"/rawness downstairs, which turned into a sharp pain, especially when going to the bathroom. I obviously knew this was abnormal and because of what was happening in my mouth, had a pretty firm idea of what was happening, but was ready to brace myself through the healing process. However by day 5 I had 8 red, crater-like sores on the tissue of my vulva. Essentially they are open wounds, and urine is an acid, so you can imagine the hell that using the bathroom had become. Even just sitting hurt.

As someone healthcare-averse, even I knew this was untenable, and went to Urgent Care for the first time in my adult life. I told the NP what was going on, how they matched the canker sores (NOT cold sores) in my mouth in onset/form--and she immediately, without even looking, diagnosed me with herpes.

Lots of people have herpes or other STIs, and that's fine. I know I do not have any, and wanted to pursue treatment for what I was sure they were--Non-sexually acquired genital ulceration (NSGU). I had even found three case studies of COVID patients who had developed them. I had spent several harrowing hours on google images making sure that the sores I had did not match any STI I may have magically acquired during a year of social distancing. I even brought up multiple case studies, including a woman who had them as a Covid reaction in a neighboring state. Didn’t matter. She looked at them and went “Yikes! Herpes!” and prescribed me: 

1) an antiviral, which I said I did not think would do anything because the trigger for this was a vaccine not an illness. She said it was probably a herpes flare up already in my system. I reiterated that I have had similar sores in my mouth since childhood and that all my past doctors and dentists agreed it was not viral but something related to an immune response. She said the antivirals should clear them up in a few days.

2) a topical 5% lidocaine ointment, aka an oral grade numbing gel, which was essentially what I was after anyway.

I would have preferred a steroid course to the antiviral, but agreed to start taking them until she got the results of the bloodwork I needed to come in the next day for. I asked how many days after taking them I would expect to see a difference/if she would reevaluate treatment if they didn’t have an effect in a certain amount of time, and she said if they hadn’t cleared up by Monday then she’d look into other causes (spoiler, they did nothing in that 4 day span). to her credit, when she saw me pick up my bike helmet (because my car had been at the mechanic for a month by then), she was properly horrified that i was having to bike everywhere with this situation and printed off some coupons/called all the prescriptions into the grocery store pharmacy next door instead of the CVS my insurance likes a mile away.

So eventually I got home and took my pill & went to put on the ointment so I could use the bathroom for the first time in 8 hours. I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say I had an extremely, overwhelmingly painful 10 minutes of application. Like absolutely awful burning feeling. However once that faded, I was indeed actually numb, and so I figured it was worth it. Got my bloodwork done on Friday (biking there & home again). On Saturday, I thought that you know, maybe a prescription anesthetic shouldn’t be doing that or at least have some sort of warning? And read the details on the jar.

Good things about lidocaine: it is a powerful numbing agent and lasts pretty well for an hour or two.

Bad things about lidocaine: you cannot get oral grade lidocaine without added mint flavoring.

I happen to be EXTREMELY sensitive to mint. Like I still can’t handle breath mints or mouthwash, and used bubblegum flavored toothpaste until I was 14 and found a brand with half as much mint flavoring as is typical. Even if you’re not, mint has no business being anywhere near genital tissue. Even on an average person that could cause awful burning. to make a long saga shorter I had a very frustrating back-and-forth with urgent care involving many rerouted phone trees, visit in person, unhelpful receptionists, and attempts to find over-the-counter alternatives. All were fruitless so I just  suffered all weekend until the urgent care Nurse Practitioner called me back on Monday and was suitably apologetic/outraged about the mint thing, and looked up every OTC product that might work as a substitute, since she couldn’t find any prescription level without mint. On Tuesday she called back again having found this:

It’s 4%, so just below prescription strength, while not oral grade, it’s actually fine for soft tissues as long as not fully ingested/internally applied. And most importantly, ABSOLUTELY NO ADDED FLAVORINGS. there is also a spray version that comes in a bottle, which under no circumstances should you try because it uses alcohol as a propellant and I had a very bad 5 minutes after testing that one. But the cream one is fine and brings blessed numbness in around 5 minutes with only minimal contact pain--they are still open wounds after all. 

I use this for the next 7 days. By this point the sores have gotten worse and larger, and then started to heal and shrink again. Mouth canker sores go through a similar ~2 week process, so this is about what I expected.

Finally the results of my bloodwork came back, and I was negative for all STIs. The NP was dumbfounded and apologized, and agreed to look up more information/treatment options for cases like this in the future. I’m not surprised her reaction was to assume herpes as it IS very common, but I’m sure other women experience NSGU’s and receive improper treatment. If you look them up, they’re even mentioned as being predominantly a problem for “young or prepubescent women” which, reading between the lines--it’s not that these become less likely if you’re older or sexually active. Doctors just make assumptions and don’t always look past the easy answers.

So if you or someone you know ends up with these--from the Covid vaccine or as a complication of upper respiratory infections in general (as they ARE an immune response and can just Happen to you)--here is what works as treatment. If you can see a doctor you trust, still do that. But if they don’t listen or if for some reason you can’t seek treatment, here is the course of action I recommend: 

Pick up that over-the-counter Pain Relief+Lidocaine NON MINTY numbing cream ASAP. Sores go from “annoying” to “excruciating” in only 3 days, so it’s best to get in person or with rush shipping. Sit in front of a mirror and gently apply with a q-tip, and wait 5 minutes for the medicine to take effect.

Pat gently dry with toilet paper, don’t make wiping motions. If you don’t feel clean enough, pat more with a wet washcloth and rinse it out, or hope in the shoer for 5 min just to rinse.

There may be pus or reside from the ointment that doesn’t go away with just rinsing. Every 2 days I made a half-strength bath of epsom salts, NUMBED FULLY, and then took a 10 minute bath to fully cleanse the area. the salt will sting terribly if you wait any longer, so I recommend standing and rinsing after this time.

The vulva is more exposed to air than the mouth. this may cause the sores to crack/bleed as they dry out. to avoid this, after using the restroom and cleaning yourself, you can apply a thick coating of Aquaphor on top of the sores. It will need to be rinsed off before you apply more numbing cream however, so if that is too many steps I recommend just using the Aquaphor overnight.

You may think its ok to get up in the middle of the night to pee without the numbing cream bc you have to go really bad and just once will be fine but it is NOT you will REGRET IT.

Unfortunately if you have sores on both sides you may develop what is known as “kissing sores”, aka sores directly opposite each other that touch when the area is not spread open. this means that after an extended period of time (overnight), the sores will try to heal into each other and opening the area back up painfully rips the tissue apart. INStEAD of ripping them apart, take a washclosh, run it under warm water, and do a hot/warm compress on the area. this will loosen the sores back up and separate them painlessly.

This is not exclusive to people with a vulva, they can also happen on scrotal/anal tissue. However it does seem to much more frequently affect people with typical XX sex organs. 

If you develop these, PLEASE fill out an averse reaction form or your country’s equivalent. Also, I’m so sorry and if you need emotional support or have questions please feel free to get in touch.

Most likely, these will not happen to you--the vast majority of vaccinated people have not had this as a side effect. But it IS popping up more and more, and it is good to know about it in advance so you can be prepared to deal with and treat it without as much anxiety and all the hoops I had to jump through to get good care. Overall I’m still glad to be vaccinated, but if I had known this was a side effect, as someone already prone to canker sores I would have waited to vaccinate until my car was fixed a week later a the very least :|

[lsfrevanfan]

A Long Needed Update on My Heart on Your Sleeve

Hey guys,

So... it’s been a while.

I’d like to start off by saying I deeply apologize for my radio silence on this blog. I’ve been meaning to make this posts for months now and every time I just went to write it, I just ended up stopping for one reason or another. I didn’t mean to let this go on for so long, but the changes I was hoping for just didn’t happen.

So let me get straight to the point: I still plan on continuing and finishing the fic. However, it might take some time.

Around the time I posted Chapter 12, I was in a pretty good place. I had help at my job, I was nearly caught up with everything, and Animal Crossing: New Horizons was coming out in a few weeks. I had the outline for Chapter 13 written and was gonna start typing up the first draft after a few days off.

Then COV-19 happened. 

I work for a travel company so needless to say, the pandemic did not help them out in the slightest. Half of my building was furloughed and all of our temps were released, including the two that were helping me. I was already doing two people’s jobs, but now it was just me. On top of that, the sales in the states I was in charge of never stopped, only slowed somewhat and I never got the time to catch up before things started picking back up again (probably bc the states in question have dumbasses for leaders). On top of all of this, I’m immunocompromised. 

To work around this back when my state had a stay at home order, my hours shifted and everything just became a mess. I was now working weekends instead of Tuesday and Wednesday, but I didn’t even get to enjoy my days off because my bosses would call or text me asking me about deals when I wasn’t even on the clock. My hours have shifted back since then to a Monday to Friday schedule, but I only just got help last week to help the overwhelming amount of work. I’ve been so stressed that I’ve teared up or full on cried from the sheer frustration over everything. 

If you tagged this blog in anything or replied to a post and I missed it, I’m deeply sorry. This isn’t my main blog and for some reason I don’t get any notifications for it, which I find super strange since I see things pop up for my DC and DBZ blogs every once and awhile. Regardless, I’m very sorry for missing anything.

Leading back to my heart on your sleeve...

I haven’t made much progress. I have about 800 words down, and I only managed to write those about two weeks ago when I miraculously got inspiration and motivation as I was trying to sleep. I thought about making a post then, but when the motivation to write didn’t come back after a few days, I didn’t want to get people’s hopes up, so I just didn’t say anything. Writing has just been difficult and with everything being so stressful, I’ve tended to play video games or watch the occasional show just to do something mindless to unwind. 

But I’m still committed to getting this story done. I hate leaving things unfinished and that’s one of the reasons why this is my first published long fic (aside from a twilight one that I deleted off of fanfiction.net years ago). I’ve written fanfic since 2008, but this is the first fic that I actually have an ending planned out for. And I fully intend to see it through. However, until my work situation gets better, the update might take a while to get out. When I make substantial progress, I will definitely update you guys.

TL;DR: Chapter 13 is coming, it just might take a bit longer to happen.

Again, sorry for the delay (and sorry for unloading my personal stuff), and I hope you guys are doing well. I hope to get this chapter to you guys sooner rather than later.

[angelcatsiel]

good morning everyone I’m here to vent bc I’m pissed off but no one needs to read it I just wanna complain (oh god this is a long rant lmao)

My boyfriend's ex is absolutely driving me insane. She rings him all hours of the fucking day. Last Saturday (might have been Sunday) she rang him five fucking times before 12, and his daughter also rang him twice too in that time. Most evenings we watch an episode of a tv show and we are constantly getting interrupted, the other day she rang 3 times during one supernatural episode, she rang 4 times while we were trying to watch the fatws finale. And it’s never major stuff, it’s almost always something minor or something that could very easily be texted to him for him to text back whenever he gets the chance. She also constantly rings him during work. It’s normally about their daughter and it’s normally just along the lines of ‘she got stressed today about this and she was sad about this’ but it’s usually all small things. He just can’t get a break.

This week she’s been harassing him over some stuff he had to buy for her (nothing important or urgent) and he offered to post these things down to her on Monday so they’d be with her by today when she needed them but she told him she wanted him to actually come down Monday in person to discuss stuff with their daughter. It’s an hour’s drive there, an hour back, probably longer with traffic around that time. She expects him to drive down there at 6pm after he’s finished a full day at work (9 until 6), not get home until AT LEAST 8pm but probably closer to 9, he has a medical condition that causes him to be chronically tired, and where do we even fit in food in that time? He said no, so she said ‘oh ok, don’t worry about it then, don’t worry about posting them, I’ll figure it out it’s fine’

but now it’s Friday and she wants us to drop them down today, and he said to me yesterday when she told him this that he was absolutely not getting roped in to talking for half an hour, we’re going down and straight back because he’s absolutely exhausted after a stressful work week. This morning he got a phone call at 8am (a fucking hour before he has to get up, he’s working from home) from his daughter saying ‘you know how you love me and would do anything for me EVEN if you were really tired? well can you take me to get ice cream when you come down?’ so he’s now agreed to do that because he can say no to his ex but he can’t say no to his daughter. She’s even coming up to stay with us next weekend, and we spent a lot of last weekend with her, in fact we’ve seen her loads recently so it’s not like she hasn’t seen him. His daughter then spent a good 45 minutes on the phone to him, though she doesn’t talk much, she just gets on with whatever she was doing before she phoned and occasionally tels him about it while he sits and listens

I don’t blame his daughter at all, she’s just a kid, but his ex should fucking step in and say something like ‘no, you shouldn’t wake your dad an hour before his shift starts just to ask for ice cream, why don’t you text and ask him later instead?’ or preferably ‘your dad is probably going to be too tired to do that after his shift, but you’re seeing him next weekend so you can do it then’

and I fucking hate the slightly manipulative language his daughter often uses because I know she’s picked it up from her mum. I know she used to be very manipulative in the past and I think she’s a good person at heart but she’s done some crappy things and treated him horribly in the past. There’s been times in the past where his ex has phoned and asked my boyfriend to do something (usually drive down after work to discuss something or other) and he’s said no, and then ten minutes later he gets a call from his daughter saying ‘daddy I’m sad today, can you please come down and see me? I miss you so much’ and these phone calls almost always happen after he’s said no to his ex about coming down. It’s manipulative bullshit and yeah I’m not pissed at his daughter because she’s like 10 and she’s just learning all this stuff from her mum

and he HAS agreed to go down in the past before plenty of times despite the long drive if it’s urgent, even if it’s fairly minor, if he thinks his daughter needs him then he’s there, every time. It just pisses me off so much. He’s not appreciated at all, he’s constantly running errands for his ex, constantly picking things up for her from shops and driving all the way there to bring her stuff, neither of us are sure why her husband never seems to do these things since he drives and only works part time.

Sorry for the long rant I’m sure no one’s read this far but it helped to get out. His daughter is starting to show little signs of being manipulative and she’s also being extremely rude at the moment to people and even bullying other kids at school a bit but tbh I am not surprised. This Christmas she got an iphone (latest one), a VR headset, a laptop, an ipad, an expensive professional digital camera, and something else I’m forgetting along with a lot of toys and expensive designer clothes. She also got a keyboard a few days after Christmas for expressing very brief interest in playing the piano (she’s barely touched it since, same with the VR headset, laptop and camera) and then got a mini fridge next month from her mum AFTER she’s already agreed with my boyfriend that she had to save up and buy the mini fridge with her pocket money. This kid is spoiled as hell. My boyfriend doesn’t like or agree with it but there’s not really much he can do.

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[espbee]

i wasn’t originally going to post this since i’ve seen several other (perfectly valid) mob psycho timelines out there but you all wanted to see it so here it is!

this does not include pre-canon or the reigen spin off. the first b/c i didn’t really care lol and the second b/c i haven’t read the spin off for reasons i’m sure you already know.

almost every single one of these dates is based on canon evidence (see notes below) but a few are speculation. i go into depth under the cut so if you want to know, say, exactly what day mob buys the monkey shirt you can find out. if you want to see a specific panel hmu!

feel free to use as reference when writing fanfics or meta or whatever else you might want to use it for :D just please don’t repost 

Spring of Youth Arc

it’s not super important how many days pass in ep 1 but i think it’s all within a week. might be some overlap with ep 2 (tunnel exorcism on same day takenaka quits club? according to the manga it happens later anyway)

going by anime here: takenaka quits the club monday or tuesday, tome asks mob to join the club wednesday if i remember right (also the day he goes to the girl’s high school) and he joins the body improvement club friday)

(LOL) Cult Arc

not much to say. it’s literally an afternoon and the teru arc starts the very next day

Teruki Hanazawa Arc

happens basically immediately after the cult. like mob knows dimple for like 3 days before he’s “exorcised”

fight on a friday bc it’s on weekend news

aftermath: mob in pink hoodie probably on saturday, mezato interrogates him monday

Big Cleanup Arc

shigeo mentions in the divine tree arc that student council meetings are on mondays. however only having weekly meetings would make this arc take a really long time so i’m guessing it’s semiweekly. i’m guessing the other day is thursday because ritsu says he has a meeting on the thursday that mob confesses

same monday as end of teru arc: student council meeting where ritsu suggests a big cleanup, mitsuura gives ritsu his card

thursday: big cleanup plan submitted, mezato and onigawara look for mob (for totally different reasons), ritsu in the street w/ tokugawa

next monday: student council plans to get rid of onigawara

awakening lab might be on the same day as above but i’m not sure, mob also goes on a “date” with tome that day and sees koyama for the first time. that night is when shinji’s family gets after him for not being perfect and he decides to go apeshit

i’m guessing the recorder scandal happens the next morning (wednesday?). it doesn’t actually say if ritsu awakens that exact day but i’m just going to say it does

a little bit of time goes by (about a week?) ritsu’s becoming popular and he develops his psychic power. teru vs ritsu happens somewhere here. people are complaining about the big clean up

the day that ritsu and kamuro confront onigawara in the body improvement club room is the same day that ritsu first attacks the delinquents from the other schools (monday)

im guessing a day goes by before kamuro is beaten up (tuesday), then another day before he’s beaten up again (wednesday)

kamuro is absent from the student council meeting the next thursday

ritsu only has his powers for 9 days before announcing that he’s obtained loss

7th Division Arc

one month before touichirou arrives in japan. this makes sense because it’s not like the day he arrives he’s going to attack. touichirou probably arrives in late september or early october, prepares things for a couple weeks

mob goes to shinji’s house on sunday, ritsu and mob talk on the swings monday, shinji apologizes to onigawara tuesday. the kageyama parents know about ritsu’s power by tuesday night (what was that conversation like)

Mob’s Girlfriend Mini-Arc

2 weeks long: one for the elections and one for the dating

sidenote: psycho helmet cult has gained 700 followers by now and it’s been about a month according to mezato (and the timeline!)

mob works the monday after his brother’s kidnapped jeez reigen give the kid a break

going to say it’s wednesday when shinji resigns

mezato talks to mob about running on thursday

one week later: elections! (going to say they’re on a friday). emi asks him out that afternoon

mob and emi “date” for a week. im guessing she “breaks up” with him friday and he fixes her torn up story on monday since there’s enough time for everyone to react. i think the anime has all that happen on the same day though. either way is good

Urban Legend Arc

reigen complains about four days without customers

kuchisake-onna: it’s the weekend b/c mob’s wearing a sweater instead of his uniform and also b/c i doubt mob skipped school

reigen makes his website overnight and mob’s wearing his uniform the next day which means the trip to the urban legend town has to be on sunday

the first trip to the ghost house is on a sunday (what a busy day!), and the second trip is on monday

Keiji Mogami Arc

literally the day after the ghost house wtf (so… tuesday?)

if it feels like 6 months for mob would that mean he’s almost a third year in the dream world? or already is a third year? oh no…

uh technically there’s an aftermath the next day but really the arc is one day

Separate Ways Arc

kumagawa’s birthday is in late september btw. idk if there’s any kumagawa stans out there but now you know he’s a libra

kijibayashi’s birthday: 10/5? (also the day mob finally cant take reigen’s bs anymore)

mob doesn’t show up to work for at least four days pre-birthday (probably five days since kijibayashi’s birthday needs to be on a school day)

reigen’s birthday: 10/10 (also i’m assuming this is either the day of or the day after he defeats the video game thing)

he has to have enough time to offer classes and become a local celebrity… i’d assume he offers that course at his office that friday night (10/12). he’s interviewed that day too. a few days later he goes on tv (i’m going to say 10/15)

goes to bar 3 days after the tv show (wednesday 10/17)

thursday 10/18: reporterless-day

friday 10/19: press conference, “my master… he is a good person” *sobs*)

World Domination Arc

mob has 10 days to prepare for the marathon

marathon on friday (11/2)

teru fights shimazaki for the first time saturday morning, mob doesn’t wake up until sometime in the afternoon, and rei-gun is in the evening

mob sleeps like 18 hours… oof

the kageyama parents return home monday evening

Yokai Hunter Mini-Arc

this isn’t listed as seperate from the Divine Tree Arc according to the wiki but i’m calling it a mini-arc because the broccoli isn’t really the focus

mob mentions the future prospects assignment is due in a week

seri starts working at spirits and such a few days after the wd arc ends

going to guess there’s some overlap with the future prospects assignment and that it’s due sometime during culture festival preparations because otherwise the timeline breaks

okay everyone i know culture festivals are usually on or around november 3rd but according to all canon evidence there is absolutely no way that can happen on time. there’s literally no time. it has to take place at least 2 weeks after the wd arc

going to say the culture festival is nov. 18 because that’s all that makes sense (the previous weekend is too soon, and the next weekend is after the divine tree arc

Divine Tree Arc

Friday: Tsubomi sneezes — why dont u stop doing bad things

Saturday: buys The Shirt

Sunday: Psycho Helmet

Monday: Teru, Ritsu, and Reigen all brainwashed, Mob vs Dimple part 2

Telepathy Mini-Arc

finally a nice long break :D

find out about takenaka about one month after Divine Tree Arc

aliens on New Year’s Eve/Day

inukawa’s abducted by aliens for 10 days

???% Arc

inukawa has to be back by the time school starts

Mob finds out Tsubomi’s leaving the day he gets back from winter break (monday) :(

i think he calls her two days later?

the day after that mob is hit by a fucking car (also student council day so… thursday)

Epilogue + Omakes

we all know the epilogue is on 10/10/2013

the summer omake has to be after the ???% arc but i’m not sure what day. probably july

idk what else to say other than i can’t believe i spent so much time on this

[theseadagiodays]

May 4, 2020

This is Not a Performance

Irving H Bolano’s incredible repurposed newspaper fashion for the Met Gala Challenge on Twitter #HFMetGala2020

May the Fourth be With You as you reach the next chapter of this current sci-fi drama we seem to be living through.   As the saying goes, reality can be stranger than fiction.   But it just happens to be a many red-eyed virus rather than an evil, black-masked father that we’re fighting as we all walk around like Storm Troopers.  

There are so many aspects of our lives, during Covid, which make it feel like we are actors in a make-believe story.   First of all, we’ve all become movie stars, with our faces, homes, and even pets showcased on our own silver screens.  As isolated as we are, our private lives now play out in the public sphere more than ever - no paparazzi required.    For some, this invasion of privacy is unwelcomed. But for many people, it satisfies a secret longing to share themselves with a wider audience.  After all, deep down, everyone wants to be seen and heard (I guess, me included, since I have this blog, after all).  It’s why TikTok and YouTube and Facebook have become multi-billion dollar companies so quickly.  And now, while this pandemic is a harsh daily reminder of the impermanence of all things, it makes sense that these digital missives are an attempt to seek immortality, in some strange way.

As someone whose work responds to human’s need to have a voice, I truly get why this is the case.  And I love that this time has turned housewives into opera stars, and health care workers into hip hop dancers, and housepets into circus performers. But, at the same time, I have become very aware of the masks that we wear, even inside our homes, to portray a certain self to the world that may stray quite far from our authentic selves.  The expression “dance like no one is watching” acknowledges the fact that we all tend to perform when we have an audience, and perhaps we’re only truly ourselves when we don’t.   I understand that the way we “perform” ourselves online gives each of us a chance to reinvent the fictions we want our stories to have.   So, while I surely take some guilty pleasure from intimate glimpses into strangers’ lives, I also do so with a certain skepticism about the veracity of what I’m seeing.  

This became particularly true for me when I received a recent link from my friend and amazing singer/songwriter, Dominique Fricot. Capitalizing on this current trend of oversharing, he cleverly asked his fans to film their morning routines for the music video of his new song, Wake Up, by his duo, Flora Falls.  Dom’s warm tenor voice blended with his partner’s breathy tones feel just like a lazy morning in bed.  But I’ll leave it up to you to decide just how accurate these portrayals of people’s idyllic daytime rituals actually are.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EbsqXou5FeY

May 5, 2020

Homeschool Heroes

About twenty years ago,  I was invited to adjudicate a youth music competition in the Yukon.  Travelling to one of the northernmost inhabited spots on earth, I imagined that my greatest surprise might have been a polar bear or Northern Lights sighting.  But it turned out to be something entirely different.  Among the 25,000 residents of the thriving metropolis of Whitehorse exists a treasure trove of talent.  I could not believe the incredibly honed skills and nuanced expression with which these 11-18 year-olds played.   Wondering why, I developed a theory that I now call SLoW: Sheltered Living Wonder.  When long, dark days, cold climates or pandemics force people indoors, they tend to spend inordinate amounts of time on creative endeavors and skill development.  In other words, they slow down and take time for wonder.

This theory has surely applied during these past few months of sheltering in place.   One of the most remarkable examples has been the inventiveness that many of my friends have brought to their first attempts with homeschooling.   So, I wanted to give a few shout outs to some of these Homeschool Heroes and the highly imaginative projects they’ve done with their kids.

Stunning Easter Eggs made from natural materials and dye, by my friend Jane Cox and her kids  (Botany lesson)

Candy Covid virus, made by Amelia, my friend Jen Sanke’s daughter, as she learned about the virus’ proteins (Biology lesson)

But perhaps the prize for most complex homeschool project has to go to my architect friend, Bryn Davidson, who upon returning from Australia, in late March, had to fully quarantine for 2-weeks.  So, with his 5-year old son Bei as helper, this Physics lesson allowed him to enjoy home delivery beer while in isolation.  Just brilliant!

https://youtu.be/FF9-2dWoUtc

May 6, 2020

Living in livestream

So today, 5 million British Columbian’s awaited our “sentence” with baited breath, as word spread that our provincial prime minister would deliver the Re-Open BC plan at 3 pm.   I have to admit, it felt a bit like when you were “grounded” as an adolescent and then your parents returned certain privileges to you.  Of course, I’m well aware that our province has already been far more licentious than many places around the globe.  We’ve been fortunate to maintain reasonably low numbers of infection (just over 2,000), with counts as low as 8 new cases per day, at this point. So, while our provincial parks closed, our beaches never did.  While we were encouraged, within a reasonable range of home, to be active outdoors, we were not restricted to walks only within the 100 metre radius of our house, as my Israeli friends were.  And while we could still shop at gardening and furniture stores, to make sheltering at home more enjoyable, New Zealanders had nothing but grocery stores and pharmacies open, for two months.  

I have sensed the gratitude my fellow Vancouverites have felt about these privileges.  But that does not mean that we aren’t still anxious to return to other aspects of living which we’ve missed.  When lockdown began, ominously on the Ides of March (the 15th), I’d harboured a secret hope that certain restrictions might be lifted on my birthday (exactly two months later).  And it turns out that Phase Two of the BC ReOpen plan will commence on May 19th, just 4 days later than I’d hoped.  What I most look forward to experiencing again are small gatherings with friends, (we’ll soon be allowed to socialize in public with up to 10 people); meals inside certain restaurants and pubs (those that are able to function within WorkPlace BC’s safety regulations); visits to registered massage therapists; and hugs with select people, (”using one’s own ‘risk assessment’.”)

But in the long-range plan, the harsh reality for artists has been laid out, as Phase Four (which includes resuming large-venue concerts, conventions, and international travel) can not occur until either a vaccine has been developed, an effective treatment plan is widely available, or herd immunity is achieved.  And this is not estimated to occur until mid-2021 or later.  So, the prospects are still bleak for symphony orchestras, opera and dance companies, artists who perform in crowded bars, or musicians who travel for arena shows and festivals.  This likely means that in order to satisfy audiences’ need to access live performance, and for artists to continue to share their creativity,  livestream formats will still have to persist for some time.  Therefore, I thought I’d share a few regular weekly livestream arts events here, both from Vancouver, LA & NY.

Canadian National Live Art Champion, Dmitri Sirenko, who we featured at our non-profit’s annual benefit on February 20th, 2020

Every Monday Night at 7 pm PST (Vancouver) Poetry Slam: https://www.facebook.com/Vancouverpoetryslam/

Every Thursday at 5 pm PST (LA): LIVE Art Battles - Watch painters do their magic in just 20 minutes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWJoWGVwzGtk99nTOCib9vg

Every Thursday at 8 pm EST (NY): Spotlight on Plays - famous actors perform readings of theatre pieces, online: https://www.broadwaysbestshows.com/post/the-best-of-series/

May 7, 2020

Collateral Blessings

So many thoughtful writers are adding to the discourse, as we all strive to make meaning from what can feel like a senseliess time.  I have so appreciated the abundance with which people are sharing these missives, right now.  Every day, bursts of inspiration or flickers of insight come my way, thru texts, emails and Facebook.  Like adventurers, traveling together thru the dark of night, we shine light on guideposts, anywhere we can find them, as we collectively quench each other’s thirst for wisdom.  

One of the most profound writings I‘ve recently discovered came from a stranger’s blog.  In The Examined Family, Courtney Martin, without ever diminishing the gravity of the havoc that this virus has wreaked, writes about some of the assets that have also come out of this time.  New friendships with neighbors.  A long-neglected puzzle completed with her kids.   The time to draw and truly notice an artichoke in her back garden. My good friend Juan calls these collateral blessings.  This reference to the accidental gifts that this cruel virus has given us, is a beautiful twist on “collateral damage”, a term coined to explain accidental friendly-fire deaths during the Gulf War.  Commenting on the anticipatory nostalgia that she projects she will feel about certain things, once this time has passed, Courtney writes:

“I instantly feel overwhelmed at the prospect of schedules and stuff. I don’t want to go back to our former accumulation or frenetic pace. I don’t want to stop texting (my neighbor) my little triumphs. I don’t want to forget about the artichokes in the garden. I don’t ever want to forget this happened--the grief and the beauty of it. I’m not even sure that will be possible, but if it were, I wouldn’t want it. I don’t want to vote like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to eat like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to consume like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to schedule like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to mother or daughter or befriend or neighbor like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to sit inside this little life, noticing and appreciating and breathing, like it didn’t happen. There is unnecessary suffering all around me, and inside of me, too, but there is also necessary meaning. May we hold on to that.”      

You can read her full entry here: https://courtney.substack.com/p/unnecessary-suffering-and-necessary?token=eyJ1c2VyX2lkIjo3OTg0NDcyLCJwb3N0X2lkIjozNzU1NDMsIl8iOiJCTnk2VyIsImlhdCI6MTU4NzA1MjgyMCwiZXhwIjoxNTg3MDU2NDIwLCJpc3MiOiJwdWItMjA5MjIiLCJzdWIiOiJwb3N0LXJlYWN0aW9uIn0.puI9NMne-783ypInpvTkJ96T237WcrTo2ItDhqlkMiY

May 8, 2020

Nostalgia

I’m rarely one prone to nostalgia.  My childhood photo albums are in storage.  I have no family heirlooms displayed in my home.  My tendency is to revel in the present or dream about the future.  But this pandemic has strangely turned me into a sentimental fool.  Perhaps this return to simpler times, where we seldom shop, where we wander mostly by foot, or where we get to know our neighbors better, makes us long for the past in certain ways.  

For me, I’ve honored this by resurrecting my daily teenage Twizzler habit - a candy I’ve rarely eaten since then, but that now feels so satisfying during my Netflix & Chill evenings (while watching films almost as old like Groundhog Day & Anchorman).  

I’m also listening a lot to Old School Hip Hop, where the explative-free rhymes of the 90’s feel so strangely innocent.  It’s refreshing to listen to these musicians spit verses that merely celebrate the joys of dance and rap, rather than ranting about gun violence and other societal ills.  Run DMC It’s Tricky (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-O5IHVhWj0) and Beastie Boys Body Movin’ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvRBUw_Ls2o) happen to be personal favorites.  

Last month, I was tickled by an old memory while planting a lilac bush in my backyard.  I suddenly remembered a story about my college boyfriend, whom I hadn’t thought of in 30 years.  Our relationship started a bit secretively, so as not to hurt his ex’s feelings.  So, one May afternoon, we snuck away to a distant park that was hosting a Lilac Festival.  Unfortunately, our ruse was quickly spoiled when a candid photo of our picnic under the purple blooms was plastered all over the front page of the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle the next morning.  

Another sweet memory returned in culinary form. Every Tuesday, for 7 years, my mother selflessly drove me an hour from home and back, for my flute lesson.  And to break up the long drive, we regularly stopped at Bickford’s Pancake House for my favorite adolescent treat: breakfast for dinner. Their specialty was the Dutch Baby Apple.  And I finally made my first homemade attempt at this deceptively easy delicacy, last Tuesday.  

This has also been a time to return to bedtime stories (some I’ve read to friends’ kids, and others for adults to hear.)  The Great Realisation by British performance artist, Tom Foolery, has been making the social media rounds. But in case you missed this touching tale that looks back on this time as if the tale is being told in a not-so-distant future, it’s a wistful story about some aspects of modern life that we may never long for in the future:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nw5KQMXDiM4

[nativemossy]

Cap-IM Rec Week 2019 - Wednesday

Rec Week- Angsty Wednesday @cap-ironman 

Don’t forget to leave kudos and comments for your hardworking authors! they deserve the credit for the hard work they put into entertaining us with their fabulous works of art!

disclaimer: i genuinely struggle with the difference between angst and h/c, so the way i’m differentiating those lists is (mostly) by what the author tagged. 

the stillness of forgetting - by nasa

“Who are you?” Tony asks every morning when he wakes up and finds Steve lying next to him.

“I’m your husband,” Steve always replies.

-

aka Tony has Alzheimer's.

why rec?: ouchie, this one makes me cry a lot, so I don’t read it often. memory loss fics really get to me, so if thats something youre interested in this has it in stock! its so heartrendingly sweet and i just love it a lot

Orbital Mechanics - by Sabrecmc

Freshly out of the ice, Captain Steve Rogers definitely does not want to Bond with anyone. Until he does.

(Steve's POV for Celestial Navigation)

why rec?: tbh i’d recommend anything of Sabres (and multiple times at that - hence why i posted abt this on monday as well), but Celestial Navigation and by extension Orbital Mechanics both have permanent places on my instant classics list. just a lovely fic all around.

Something Death Can Touch - by thatdammeddame

Tony nearly dies in the field on a Saturday.

Steve breaks up with Tony the Wednesday after he's released from hospital.

why rec?: sad!! with happy ending!! its got a nice round conclusion, everyone comes full circle and is better for it.

Like A Comet Streaming On - by Sineala

Tony escapes Afghanistan with a functioning Iron Man suit and a perfectly normal heart. He even manages to bring Ho Yinsen home safely at his side. But he may as well have lost everything... because his wolfbrother is dead. Six months later, the Avengers find Captain America, frozen in ice, miraculously alive. Everything and everyone Steve has ever known is gone -- except his wolfsister, the recipient of the lupine version of the super-soldier serum, who was frozen in his arms. Tony has everything but his wolf. Steve has only his wolf. This is how their lives fit together.

why rec?: another fic that lives in my phone and travels with me - this is an instant classic for sure. i feel like i’ve recced this before no but i will be reccing it’s “fanfic of a fanfic” in tomorrows post, so I have talked about it. I love the psychic wolf premise, I hope to maybe do something in the future with it, though I could never dream of coming close to this amazing fic. If i’ve read this once i’ve read it dozens of times and loved it more each time. 

Wait & Sea - by Lenalena 

In which Tony and Steve get sent on an undercover mission aboard a cruise ship to make contact with Hydra. In this AU the military has kept the discovery and defrosting of Captain America a secret, so Steve and Tony have never met before. Yet they are to pose as newlyweds....

why rec?: tagged as angst and humor and if memory serves that’s exactly right. perfect blend of the humor of the identity porn trope with the angst of constant misunderstandings. 

Born From The Earth - by venusm

Tony Stark's born an omega in a world where that means he's supposed to follow certain social rules. He becomes Iron Man anyway: Fuck biology.

If only his biology (and the world) would quit fucking him back.

why rec?: i debated real heavy about including this because it’s technically steve/tony/omc, but hear me out: A great part of this fic focuses on the developing relationship between Tony and Steve, as well as Tony’s relationship with himself and the world around him. This is, hands down, my favorite fic of all time. as far as writing in general goes it’s right up there with my favorite authors. if i could only read one fic for the rest of my life this would undoubtedly be it - unfinished or no. i cannot even begin to impress upon you how much I love this fic. I can only aspire to write like this. the author makes you angry when they want you to be angry, sad when they want that too. It’s a beautifully orchestrated rollercoaster of emotion and I fall a little more in love every time I read it (which is frighteningly often).

Never Too Late for Love - by Sineala

Steve has always believed that a soulbond is a blessing -- a rare and beautiful miracle, joining the thoughts and feelings of two people forever, from the first time they touch. Steve knows he's not going to be one of the lucky ones. He knows Gail isn't his soulmate. But he loves her, even if they're not soulmates, and he's going to do right by her. After the war's over, he's going to marry her, and they're going to settle down. They'll buy a house. They'll have children. He'll see his family again. Maybe Bucky will live next door. It's going to be a good life. He doesn't need a soulbond. He'll be fine without one.

Then Steve wakes up sixty years in the future to find that his wonderful life has moved on without him. His family is long dead. His fiancée married his best friend. And the only purpose he has left is leading the Ultimates, a misbegotten team of superheroes with flaws too numerous to count. Steve hates everything about the future -- but most of all he detests Tony, flashy and flirtatious, who embodies everything Steve hates about a world he never wanted to live in.

And, oh, yeah, Steve has a soulmate after all: Tony fucking Stark.

why rec?: so much relationship angst. so. much. angst. Steve has to get his ass in gear and his brain into the 21st century, and Tony probably needs to go easy on the poor guy. its also ultsfic, which I’m usually not a giant fan of bc of the assholery but the dynamic works for me here

Senseless - by Scavenge4Dreams

Blinded, deafened, exhausted, injured and afraid, Tony raised himself up into a defensive position, the knife coming up just like Nat had taught him.

“That had better fucking be you, Steve Rogers- it had better be you. Fucking disarm me. If you let me kill you, I swear I will be very, very pissed.” Tony snarled, sure it was Steve approaching. Had to be. Had. To. Be.

What if it wasn’t?

why rec?: it’s been a while since i’ve read this, but I remember this being a good one that involves a rescue, injury recovery, and some eventual upon a brief reread I can say that this fic also has established relationship going for it! it’s tagged angst but it’s definitely got it’s fluffy parts and a really fun ending

Thrust Issues - by Sineala

A battle gone wrong leads Tony to the unexpected and pleasant discovery that Steve is much more well-endowed than he could ever have imagined. But when Tony learns that Steve has never actually been able to sleep with anyone because of his size, Tony does what any good friend would do: he offers to relieve Steve of his virginity. Personally. Tony's determined, Tony's methodical, and Tony has a plan. He's going to get Steve laid. Tony just needs to make sure Steve never finds out that Tony's in love with him.

why rec?: look at this point i think we can all agree that i might be a little bit of a fan of sineala’s. just wanted to throw that one out there to start us out. 

so my rec has little to do with the oodles of pining angst (of which there is plenty) and much more to do with there being a specific line in this fic that boils down to “friends fist friends right?” and I think of it at least biweekly. the rest of the fic is beautifully written and the characterization is to die for, plus its got a lovely happy ending!

She - by isozyme

Iron Man is strong and muscular and masculine, and Tony Stark wears a three-piece suit and walks with his hips stiff.  No colors other than navy or muted red. No prints bolder than a pinstripe. No luxurious silks and linens. His outfits are tailored to hang crisp and straight, his slacks hemmed to a conservative medium break.  The public won’t know. Nobody will go digging deeper, for classified ads and witnesses who remember him from half a decade ago. Steve will never find out all the ways Tony’s ruined himself.

why rec?: i’m putting this here just in case I don’t make a post for Sunday. This is one of those fics that hurts so good - it’s so well written sometimes it makes my teeth ache because it’s so sad and as the reader you can see all the pieces but a character cant. I love that feeling, its a great feeling. Some of this stuff can hit close to home so heed the warnings and read the tags!

[sunshinexlollipops]

Have you given up on ACW?

Hey anon, to answer your question: no.

I meant to make a more detailed post explaining what has gone on BUT I have just had shit keep happening to me time after time.

To put it simply: I have not had the time or ability to write ACW this month.

Have I given up on it? Forgotten it? Been pushing it off? Ignoring it?

No. I’ve been terribly busy and stressed in the process of trying to replace my car. Which has single-handedly been one of the worst experiences I’ve ever gone through.

Sounds dramatic right? No.

I have been:

Treated horribly bc I’m trying to buy a lower-priced used car outright instead of financing on any and I’ve had dealers tell me “I don’t care about those” and hang up on me

I had to pull money out of my college fund to even get a majority of my car budget and that was like pulling teeth

I was trying to save every penny I could of money I earned afterward so I was trying to spend NOTHING while literally picking pennies off the ground

I spent an entire day just rolling my own change to help my budget

I have gone to car lots trying to find a car I discovered online that is listed to be there only to find out it’s sold or even in another state

^ that happened to me 3 times

Some lots left listings on hella good car deals to lure people in

I found out I couldn’t finance a car bc I have no credit history but lord did they try for me to do so

And the biggest issue is that since I am a woman, I faced SO MUCH SHIT from dealers thinking I was an idiot or waisting their time.

One dealer literally lost his shit after I declined a sale because:

He was trying to finance me on a car worth 10k. From taxes and other fees and interest, and extra 6k was added to the car’s price. My car payment was gonna be almost $400/month and with having to get the insurance required for a car on lean I wouldn’t be able to spend any of my money on anything but the car for a year and he thought this was okay.

He was so sneaky he tried to get me to “drive the car home” to show my mom once she got off work. “All you gotta do is buy insurance and she can see it! And I’ll get you dealer tags!” THAT IS SELLING ME THE CAR. NO.

Once the deal fell through bc I refused to do anything but tell him we were done, he immediately changed with how he was acting and says “this is bullshit,” and proceeded to go fucking nuclear.

Said my parents didn’t love me bc they were going to buy a used car for me with no warranty and high mileage and I was gonna get screwed over even more than I already was without having a car.

He called my parents idiots for not co-signing and “I prayed to god for this deal and they won’t let you have it” — and overall he mostly zeroed in my mom, who bought two cars from them, saying she was a “fool” and “I couldn’t even talk to her for doing this to you.”

Said my parents didn’t love me and “you can’t do this to your daughters. Sons you can put in shitty used cars with high mileage, but your daughter? To have it break down on the side of the road? Haven’t they read the news? Don’t they know what happens to women?”

Complained that we were going to make him look like an idiot bc he reworked this car deal for me 4-5 times and now he’s gonna have to explain to his boss I said no and get him “in trouble” and that he might lose his job bc I’m not buying this car.

Needless to say I’ve been stressed as fuck this month.

And, a few days ago, I bought a car.

But it isn’t working out.

There was a crack in the windshield the dealer said they would replace. And this isn’t a sketchy side-of-the-road dealer, this is a franchised Ford dealership.

Well, the day after I bought my car (a green 2000 Honda CRV that needs some cosmetic love), I was told it would be fixed and they would call me to pick it up.

They didn’t do so. Either with calling me or fixing the windshield.

I called them 3 times, right after I got off from work at about 4, and then, about an hour before they were set to close.

I got a call back after leaving messages asking how my car was and if it was ready for pick up to come 10min before the dealer shut its doors for the night to get it.

So I show up and it’s raining and at night, so I don’t immediately see the crack is still there until I get home.

Thankfully I live right down the road, so I still had enough time to call them back and say: “wtf? This was supposed to be fixed? Y’all said it would be?”

The gentleman on the phone tells me: “Bring the car in tomorrow morning. We will get you a loan vehicle while we fix it and you should get it back same day. What time would you be coming in?”

I tell him about 9am or a little past, and he says he will make a note of it.

Come morning, I make sure to take pics of the windshield.

I take it, find out the guy to fix it isn’t even in till Monday, and since it’s a 7-8in crack it’s not safe to drive around with (the salesman even told me for it to be on the lot it had to be fixed).

So now o have a loaner car after getting to complain to the sales manager and I broke down crying bc I havent had my car for even 48hrs and they’re already having to take it back and keep it for several days longer.

The lady who does car loaning for people like me felt so bad she prayed for me before I left and texted me personally about my car bc i discovered they cleaned the brake pedal and it was worn down to expose metal— not a common thing you see on a car with only 97k miles.

Both she and I did research on the vehicle to make sure the odometer wasn’t rolled back (something highly illegal and fraudulent).

So I’m out of a car at least until Monday, but it just depends on how this all goes down.

Until then I have a 2019 Ford Edge and it’s nicer than anything I’ve ever been in but still.

So yeah. I haven’t brushed off ACW.

I literally have just been having the worst luck and time and this has taken priority over writing.

Not that I’m shitting on you anon, but this is what’s happening and this is why there won’t be an update this month.

I’m sorry, but it’s just how this has played out for me and everything else.

All i can say is that I hope this works out soon and for the better. 🤷‍♀️

[nox-bones]

Little bit of a rant here..might put under read more bc idk how long it’ll be. Gonna be mentions of covid-19 *no one has it just mentioning it* but yeah. Just having a lot of anxiety about shit and I need to vent it out.

So Tuesday morning I got an email from my boss asking for my new availability so they can start making up schedules for all the therapists (and I’m assuming front desk too) when we re-open, so that we get the most optimized schedule that’s as fully booked as possible.

The problem is. We don’t know when we’re gonna be able to re-open - Originally they slated April 17 (so this Friday) to open back up, and now they’ve pushed it to April 26 (which, okay, but Florida is under a stay at home order until April 30th soooooo idk wtf they think about opening before that but okay).

The othe problem is - THERE STILL ISNT A FUCKING VACCINE FOR THIS STUPID CORONAVIRUS BULLSHIT!! WHY!! THE FUCK!!! WOULD YOU!! RE OPEN A CLINIC!!! OF MASSAGE THERAPISTS AND ESTHETICIANS!!! TO THE PUBLIC!!! WHILE THERE IS NO FUCKING VACCINE ?!?!!?!?!?

Like I get we can clean, wipe down, sanitize, and all that mumbo jumbo but none of us truly KNOWS where these clients are coming from, who they’ve been around, if they’re sick or not (they may not even know themselves), how often they wash their hands or keep up general cleanliness, etc. WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEIR HABITS AND WHERE THEY’VE BEEN.

WHY would you fucking RISK the lives of (a) your employees, (b) your clients, and (c) everyone’s family and friends who end up getting exposed to all the above?!?!! Like I know businesses really only give a fucking fuck about money and profit and shit, but peoples’ LIVES are fucking more important than your goddamn business. 

I am so fucking sick of how society runs with business. Money is NOT everything. I know we need it to do things and have homes and food and shit, but I for one am not gonna risk my fucking life or anyone else’s lives for money. I’ll find some other remote fucking job where I don’t have to be around people and possibly contract the virus.

It’s not to say that our clinic WILL open in April - we might not even open again for another year depending on how everything goes, but I’ve made up my mind to just...not go back. 

I’ve wanted to quit for a while, long before this pandemic even started. I want to move on with my life, and move out of Florida, and finally start living the life that I want to live. This pandemic has given me the opportunity to do just that (minus the moving bc gotta wait until after vaccinations start happening and it’s safe again), and I am gonna grill myself so hard to get a new remote job (it might take a while, but I’m determined to get something going for myself because I need to get OUT asap).

I’m supposed to be having a call or conversation sometime later today (thursday - it’s currently 5 AM that I’m writing this...and they want the schedule by 3pm...but I probably won’t wake up until 2pm lol). I am prepared to have “the talk” with them about not returning when we re-open (especially if we re-open before a vaccine is released bc I am just not willing to risk it). I might share my sentiments about it (in a professional calm manner), but ultimately I have decided to quit my job.

I’m finally gonna file for unemployment (god that took fucking forever but I’m gonna be mailing it out either this weekend or monday). I also just got the $1200 stimulus check, and I still need to file my taxes, so I’ll have some money for a little bit to hold me over and save on, but I do need to find a remote job either part time or full time so I can get myself out of Florida when the time comes.

But when I read that email from my boss, I had such a horrible anxiety attack. I was not prepared in the least to hear that we may be re-opening in the next few weeks, and that they want a new availability. I haven’t had a chance to think about work because I’ve been dealing with a bunch of other bs. :/

Now suddenly it’s in my face, and we only had 2 days notice? I mean, I understand if my boss only had a 2 day notice, but the people above them shouldn’t fucking plan so horribly. 2 days to figure out what everyone wants to do is not enough time. Even if I was gonna go back to work for them, it took me a whole fucking month to figure out what I wanted my full time schedule to be...how do you expect me to do it in less than 2 days?!?!

I’m just so irritated, frustrated, stressed, anxiety-ridden, and I just can’t handle it. I mean, I will handle it and I’m doing my best, but it’s fucking hard and I don’t talk about it enough about how much I’m struggling emoitonally/mentally with everything. I’m no good at telling people how I really feel. I never have been (I mean, I type up posts and shit but that’s different than directly talking to someone). I’m not gonna say it outright, but that thing that depression often leads to when someone is at their point of no return...yeah..I’ve been down here for a while and fighting back and forth. I’ve been pushing through, and I think I’ll be able to keep fighting it and pushing myself, but it’s still there in the background of my thoughts. I think about it a lot now.

Sigh T_T :(

I think I’m done ranting now. I don’t know if I feel better or not, but eh.

I think the only things that will suck about not returning to my current workplace is not seeing my coworkers again, and not seeing my regular clients (who I’ve seen for the past 3 1/2 years) again :/ but sometimes that’s how life is I guess...

let’s see if I get any sleep today ;--;

[bloodxhands]

Mobile post bc I’m going to bed soon since I gotta travel tomorrow for a high school reunion that I’m going to tomorrow night. I’m excited for it but also nervous bc I’m introverted af. Any words of encouragement would be much appreciated even tho I feel silly for asking. Anyways I’ll be on mobile until I get to the hotel and then I’ll be on more after the party. On Sunday I’ll be seeing a friend and hanging out in the town and hotel. On Monday I’ll be at the beach and then going home so I might not be on much until then. I’ll see what I can do though!

[kindar-life]

<h1>The problem with Crossing the Border (09-01-19)</h1>

The problem with Crossing the Border (09-01-19)

Or an alternate title: I have ADHD, Big Surprise Out of curiosity, anyone has border crossing stories? They don’t have to be horror stories; they can be good. I’m mainly curious how it’s been for other people. So this week could have gone great, and for one the problem wasn’t on my company’s side. We did everything right, it’s the shipper and the border who dropped the ball. So, did the delivery on Monday and as my manager is on vacation, St-Germain was the one handling it, and before they were done unloaded, I had my next assignment. a pickup, 5 hours away, for Wednesday morning. If my manager had been handling it, I wouldn’t have found out until later on Tuesday, forcing me to rush there, his justifications would be that he was looking for something better in the meantime, which is BS, since that shipper is about the only one we have in all of BC anymore. I only drove an hour, I mean, what’s the point. I’m on eastern time, so 3 hours ahead of them, and going to be a day early. Also, Hwy 3 from Hope to Grand Forks, is horrible and there is no way I want to do it in the dark. It was still dark by the time I left on Tuesday, but was light before I hit the really tight curves going up and down hills. It’s the summer, so it wasn’t as bad as it could be, and I was empty, but I’ve done them in the winter. I never look forward to driving on that road. Made it mid-morning for them, checked in, pointing out I was a day early and they said to drop it, their shunt driver would put it in a door within minutes and within a couple of hours it would be done. Which was great news for me. If I could get in the US a day early, I’d be able to take a two-day weekend. Remember that ‘IF’. The trailer is ready in three hours, but it takes another hour for me to find out because I was looking at the wrong drop lot. I decided to go in and get an update and, on the way, I saw it in the opposite drop lot. Got my papers, confirmed I was good to cross the border and headed to the Laurier crossing. I like it because it isn’t busy and the road on the US side is nice, even if it’s a 2-lane highway. No big hills, few tight curves and only a handful of towns. There is Spokane when it reaches I90, but I found a way around it. It’s a little longer, than driving through Spokane, but a lot easier. Get to the border, go inside. It’s so quiet they don’t have truck booths. I hand in the papers, the officer looked in his is system and asks. “Where’s your permit?” “I’m sorry,” I reply, “What permit?” “your permit to cross here.” Here is the thing. We’ve been crossing at this border for eight months. And we’ve never been asked for a permit. It turns out that no officer should have ever allowed us to cross there, but they weren’t doing their jobs properly. The reason we don’t have a permit is that the shipper never added us to the list of approved Carrier to cross there with their product. I did not know there was such a situation possible. So I turned around, stopped in an aside in the hopes it was an easy fix and called the shipper. Only to find out the person who deals with the border had already left for the day (it was 4pm locally, in the mood I was in, I wasn’t thinking good thing about a person who didn’t have to work until 5pm like all office workers.) I called dispatch to advise them. Drove back to the shipper to park for the night, they are only 10 minutes from the border, another reason I like crossing there. Next morning, 9am their time, noon mine, I go in and find out there’s nothing to be done about it, they can only add a carrier to their list once a year, in December. The closest crossing that is a ‘Commercial Crossing,” is in Ossoyoos, two hours west, over all those horrible hills and turns. Tell dispatch about it, get told it can’t be, we cross at Laurier all the time. I tell them, yes, but we can’t anymore, check with the shipper if you believe your driver is so determined to drive over horrible hills. By the time I bet close to Ossoyoos, I still don’t have my papers so I park at the truckstop there. Only have to wait an hour and I do. I have to drive later than I prefer but I make it to Post Falls, ID, where I like to park anytime I have to cross at that border. My 2-day weekend is gone, but I can take it easy, there’s plenty of time to get to Laredo. Or not. Friday morning my manager, the one who is on vacation, calls me to ask when I’m going to be there. I tell him something on Tuesday. I’m not concerned since it doesn’t need to be there until Friday. He starts asking why so late, it need to be there ASAP. I tell him I need to do a reset (not true, technically, but don’t tell him that) I tell him that the best I can do is be there Monday late afternoon, and he asks why? I have plenty of hours and it’s a holiday on Monday so I need to get there earlier so I can get a load. And here I need to pause. The earliest I could be there, pushing as hard as I legally can would be Sunday, and the office there is closed. If it’s closed on Monday too, what does it matter if I’m there on Monday? If there is a load there for me to pickup on Sunday, it’s still going to be there on Monday. I still don’t budge on my reset. I have stopped caring about them changing delivery times after I’ve done my pickup a long time ago. If I’m given inaccurate information, it is not my problem. He grumbles and tells me to be there Monday without fault, as if I told him I might not make it. So I had to drive a little harder but I got her on Saturday, and rested. One of the things I did while I waited for all that was get more writing done, so you get five chapters of Taking the Line, Chapters 44 to 48. If there is the usual wait time in Laredo, the last five chapters should be done next week. Chapter 16 of Blind Spot is written, and I finished book 5 of LRK’s origin story. 13 chapters. The longest one to date, I hope the longest period. So I’ve started the newest Going Home, which will explore McKannon, the industrial sector of Tiranis, as well as Eric finally making contact with one of his relatives. if you want to read all that, it's only 1$ on my Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/posts/29632610 Another thing I did is take an ADHD test. There’s a warning about how it isn’t a medical tool, but if you score about a certain point, you really should talk to a doctor because, really, you have ADHD. And I do. I didn’t go in hoping I had it, but I strongly suspected I was somewhere on that spectrum. On the lower end, but on it none the less. There someone called ADHD Alien on Tumblr, and they post comics about how ADHD affects their daily lives and quite a few of them resonated with me, but one of the reason I never looked at the condition was that I was successful in school and the stereotype of someone with ADHD as that they aren’t good at school. Things is plenty of people with ADHD are good in school because it’s fun, there’s a lot of new things to learn and we soak up that knowledge easily, so easily most of us never have to bother studying, so we never learn how to study, and then when we hit college, of in my case the last two years of secondary school(I was in Quebec, they have their own system there) things start going badly. I was able to finish Secondary, but College was a bust. I just couldn’t figure out how to study and the concept I now had to deal with were so complex I couldn’t simply absorb them. I mean, I’m bright, but not that bright. So I dropped out, hit the work force and never regretted it. I was also lucky that my parents didn’t have expectations of me going to university and becoming a BIG SHOT™. They were surprised when I dropped out, but it was my life and they let me live it as I wanted. I love them for that. I love them for letting me screw up, then offering to help me up with a “See, that didn’t work, you might want to try something else, I can offer suggestions if you want but that’s up to you.” My mom picked up quicker than my dad that the suggestions that worked best were the kick in the ass kind of things and to then let me assimilate them and proceed. My mom told me months before I did it that I should write in the morning, that’s always been when I was at my best and I snorted, yeah right, mornings, who’s functional then? Eventually I ran out of things to try and did that. When I told my mom that she was right about it she smiled and said “I know.” But yeah, back on the ADHD thing. Learning that it was possible to succeed in school because you had ADHD and then fail for the same reason realigned my thinking. And add to that, that for the few things I can focus laser like on, like my writing, there are tons of them I am incapable of staying focus on. No matter how badly I want to learn them. So, yeah, I have ADHD. Will I seek treatment? No. for me to consider treating any condition I have, it has to either affect my ability to earn a living, or my health(and to be fair, when it comes to my health the potential down side have to be bad for me to even think about talking to a doctor about it) I can do my job without problem; I can do my writing without problems. The rest? Frankly, nothing else matter to a level I am willing to put those two at risk. I don’t Suffer from ADHD, I simply have it. I built my coping mechanism even without knowing I had something. Being Scatter brain? I either write it down, or accept that I will forget about it, and if I forget about it I accept the consequences. I don’t make myself a mess over forgetting it. I fix the problem it caused and move on. I do know now why Minecraft is such a trap for me now. It pulls at my focus by giving me things to do, always more things to do until I reached the point where I’m near panic because I can’t do all of them and I push it away. Until I’ve calmed down. But Minecraft commits the Sin of interfering with my writing by taking over that mental space. It’s why I no longer play it. It’s also why the craving is always there, but me and cravings are old friends. I have no issues staring him down. Okay, this is way longer than I expected so I’m going to pass on the movie and book review this week. You' all have fun, and come on, talk to me. Ask me questions, share your stories, it gets lonely talking to the void<chuckles> And that’s it, so I’ll see you on the next one.

Posted using PostyBirb

[my-autistic-things]

Top Surgery Post Op

Hey guys so this post is old and the original bit is under the keep reading.  I wanted to keep a record for myself mainly, but oh well!  Today is 9-5-18. As a quick update because I didn’t give any other updates since forever ago: 

-I’m still numb

-I still have swelling

-I still wear my binder, but it’s not uncomfortable anymore because there's nothing to smoosh

-My doctor said that I don’t have to wear my binder, but since there is still swelling it would be beneficial if I could continue to wear it

-I don’t wear my binder at night/at home, but when I go out I still always wear my binder just because I feel more comfortable with it on

--I feel better with my binder because 1, pressure stim! 2, I’m not flat.  While I look the same as any other chubby cis guy, I’m still uncomfortable and it will take a really long time for me to get to where I am comfortable to just wear a shirt

-My incision sites have healed to just a little dark pink lines (~1/2 inch) and the drainage tube holes have healed also to dark pink dots (honestly they are way more noticeable than the actual incisions)

Ok that's it!  I might remember to make another update, but probably not for a while.  Below is my recovery from day 0 if anyone is interested.

I wanted to make a super extensive post, but, I didn't. Now I'm going to summarize the key points if my recovery bc I still really want to keep record of it and share a timeline of when things happen.

If you're interested in my top surgery story illustrating the whole day of surgery, here is that post!

Day 0; Thursday, day of surgery:

When I came home from the hospital I just slept. My mom woke me up to take my meds (prescription pain killer and antibiotics) and then I went right back to sleep. I couldn't roll on to my side so sleeping was pretty miserable but I pulled up pillows so I was half sitting up which helped me get comfortable. The drains were super annoying and I was trying to be super careful with my chest, but, I was fine.

Day 1; Friday:

I have no idea what time I woke up or what time I took my naps, but I basically lived off of naps (I didn't sleep longer than 4 ish hours at a time). I didn't have overwhelming pain, but I definitely has surgery. I was nervous when draining the tubes of my drains bc you have to squeese out the tubes. I was scared that I was going to just pull the whole thing out. But I didn't! I think I pulled it a little once on Sunday, but they are about 1 1/2 inches in so it didnt come out at all.

I had my first post op scheduled doctor appointment at 11:00am. I recorded my drainage amount only that first day, then my doctor said I didn't have to again. Just make sure to drain them the night before my next appointment so he can see the amount when I come in to take out the tubes.

That was my first time I got to see my chest post op. Honestly, I looked exactly the same except bruised. There was SO MUCH SWELLING that I had about the same, if not even a little more boob. My doctor assured me that on the table I was completely flat and that everything was just swollen.

I was also cleared to shower! One day post op, and I could shower!

Day 2-4; Saturday-Monday:

I was draining such a small I was so happy. I didn't need to worry about dumping the drains every 12 hours exactly and actually only did it maybe once a day.

The Vicodin pain meds, I figured out, don't work at all on me. I ended up taking the oxycodone I was prescribed by the hospital instead of the Vicodin my doctor prescribed (there was a mix up and I got 2 meds for one surgery). Still, though, the oxy didn't help that much. I mainly was taking it because it made me high to forget the pain/ache and help me just sleep my way through my recovery. I still wasn't even taking it every 4 hours like I could have. Maybe like twice a day, 3 times at the most.

I showered once on Sunday because I felt like I should. I tied a string around my neck and clipped the drains to that so they wouldn't be hanging. It was weird and awkward to shower, but completely doable and having a break from the binder made my pain decrease.

Day 5; Tuesday:

I had my second post-op appointment. I think my drains drained like 1cc of fulid each side at the most. It was so minimal and I was so proud of myself haha. My doctor took the tubes out that day and I FINALLY felt like I was healing. I felt so free oh my God it was one of the most freeing experiences of my life!

Taking the tubes out didn't hurt a single bit. Like at all. I felt 0 pain whatsoever. Again, the tubes we're about 1 1/2 inches in, and there was one stich holding them in place. I was 100% numb around my chest for the most part so I barely felt my doctor's hands as he took the tube out. I heard people say getting the drains removed are sooooo painful, but idk their type of surgery and such so maybe only with lyposuction it doesn't hurt because it kills your nerves for a while?

Day 6-7; Wednesday and Thursday;

I felt so much more comfortable without the drains on. I could move so much more freely and almost all my sharp pain went away and only the dull (ish) ache of feeling like I'd been lyposuction was left. I stopped all the oxy on Wednesday, and only had some ibruprophen Wednesday and Thursday night. After that I was pain med free.

I had a gauze bandage over the drains and I didn't want to deal with changing it so I didn't shower (from Sunday) until Thursday afternoon. I felt like I should do my doctor a favor and showever before my Friday appointment. I showered, then changed my bandage into a bandaid because the holes werent draining anymore, just open.

The hospital medical surgery tape put iver my actual incision looked like it was coming off a bit in the shower and I was worried about that, but I left it alone and let it dry good and it still stuck on like it was never wet.

When I took of my shirt to take off my binder to take a shower. Oh my God! I glanced down slightly and this GIANT purple thing caught my eye. I still had my binder on so I didn't think it could have possibly been a bruise, but it was! It was around my hip (gravity sucked stuff down there) and it was about as big as my hand. With my hand over it, it was about 1/2 an inch shorter than my hand and a little bit wider. It was huge. Purple. And quite impressive. It didn't hurt at all, though, because it was just pooled old blood that was dragged down there instead of actually the place I was hurt.

Day 7; Friday:

I went to my doctor's appointment not knowing what was going to happen next. The drains were out and I didn't think I had stiches in my incision (bc of the tape) so I didn't really know what to expect.

Apparently I did have one stich in my incision, and the tape plus the stich was taken out. I was told not even to put a bandaid on and to take the bandaid off of the drain holes too.

The tape comming off hurt to be completly honest. I'm a baby when it comes to taking off baindaids and tape. I was 90% numb in that area, but it still had that feeling of pulling off sticky stuff like I was ripping my skin off. The stich came out with 0 pain. I was so surprised how thin the thread was. It looked thinner than sewing thread and it was blue which was cute. I finally got to see how big my actual incision was, and it was about 1 inch.

Day 8-13; Saturday to Thursday:

Idk, man, there's not much to say. I'm sure if I did this post and updated day by day I'd have stuff to say, but I don't. I have a fractured/severely bruised rib from the binder being so tight. Well, it's not exactly the binder, but the binder band. It hurts a lot, but I can't do anything about it anyways.

My giant bruise is getting lighter every day and everything is just healing and improving every day.

Day 14; Friday:

That's today! Well, same as the past week. Every day there's less pain and more movement ability. I didnt have much of a limitation of movement even one day post op, but I can still feel a difference. I can comfortably raise my arms above my head now and I was able to bend over to pick stuff up without much chest pain (I got joint and muscle pain anyways so it hurts, but not specifically because of top surgery lol)

I put on my old binder yesterday because the hospital one seems so loose and oh my God! How did I survive?!?! It's so tight! Even 2 weeks post op I'm shocked with how tight of a thing I wore semi comfortably before. To be fair, it was my tighter binder, but it was still not too much tighter than my normal everyday one.

I feel not compressed in my chest and Im worried that the binder isn't squishing my chest down enough. I need to keep my chest flat and squished so when it heals everything will be flat so my skin will shrink down flat instead of being baggy and like empty boobs.

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I'll try to keep this updated especially after my next appointment on Tuesday and then when I don't have to wear the binder anymore (in 2 weeks). Plus, if anything exciting happens of course I'll add that! I'll probably edit the post and reblog it so it's all together in one piece so if you see this post reblogged its been updated under the keep reading. Lies lol