#I need the gilbert backstory so badly

[midwinterrmemento]

The more we learn about Gilbert, the more I wonder if we’re going to have another Edgar situation on our hands tbh

[booksncoffee]

Hiii!! Do you have any recent book recs? I always love following your advice. Thanks :)

hii!!! of course!! these are the books i read in 2021 and enjoyed! 

the worst best man by mia sosa - lina was left at the altar by andrew and fast forward to a few years later, lina had to work with andrew’s brother, max, for an opportunity that could change her life. but here’s the catch, she hated max because he was the reason andrew decided to leave her at the altar but he’s also so very charming and she found it harder and harder to hate him. this was such a fun read!! the characters are complex and so are their backstories. i inhaled this book.

before i saw you by emily houghton - this book is mainly set in a rehabilitation ward at St Francis Hospital and it follows the lives of alice, who recently got badly injured in a fire at her office, and alfie, who was amputated because of a tragic car accident. alice was adamant on not talking to anyone but the universe was not having it because her bed was placed next to alfie who couldn’t stop talking. this book is a bit on the heavier side, i’d say, and might not be for everyone but i really enjoyed it and i couldn’t put this book down the moment i started reading. 

the ex talk by rachel lynn solomon - shay and dominic pretended to be exes for a podcast that could save their radio station and i love love love how this book put a spin on the fake dating premise where instead of having two people pretend to be in a relationship, they had to pretend to be exes. this book was so fun! 

the two lives of lydia bird by josie silver - lydia recently lost her fiance, freddie, and she found it difficult to go on with her life until one day, she went to sleep and she woke up in an alternate universe where freddie was still alive and they’re so, so happy. she started visiting this alternate universe more and more until it’s starting to take a toll on her in real life and until there’s someone in her life that makes her real life better. this is another book that is on the heavy side, but it’s so so good. it’s about grief, pain, despair and it’s so heartbreakingly beautiful. 

if i never met you by mhairi mcfarlane - laurie was dumped out of nowhere by her partner of over a decade, dan, and she was left reeling. she honestly didn’t know how to move on when she still worked with him until jamie proposed they pretended to date. jamie was not exactly everyone’s favourite in the office but he needed to date laurie to get on the good side of their superiors because everyone in the office loved laurie and so, these two embarked on a journey where they pretended to date and somewhere along the line, the lines got blurred. such a fun read! mhairi’s writing is so effortless i loved it.

you had me at hola by alexis daria - jasmine was desperate to run away from her reputation after a messy breakup and to start fresh, so when she landed a job as the leading lady in a telenovela and she had to work with the charming ashton, she had to constantly remind herself that she didn’t want history to repeat itself. this book was hot! and so addictive.

the chaos of standing still by jessica brody - this book follows ryn gilbert who lost her best friend a year ago, who's trying to make sense of her death, who still hadn't read the one text message her best friend sent her before she died, and now she's stuck in the denver airport the night before the anniversary of her best friend's death. and then she met xander because they accidentally swapped their phones and thus, began the strangest, most exciting 24 hours of ryn's life. i've started to lose interest in YA books, but this one was an exception. i really, really enjoyed this one.

[floopsboopdedoops]

17, 18, and 19 for the FE3H asks please!

*sighs heavily* Welp, time to get destroyed for these....Please be kind to me, I have Opinions and am gonna ramble a lot oop ldkjfdlsk

17. Rank the Black Eagles from your favorite to least favorite. 1. FERDINAND VON AEGIR! My sunshine boy, I love him so much, he’s just such a delight. He’s just so endlessly optimistic and kind and I??? My heart??? Anyway I love he :) 2. Petra, somewhat surprisingly. I love that she’s doing her best to adjust when she’s functionally a political prisoner (because yeah, she is ;-;), and I want the best for her. and also she’s cute and i love her hair but that’s besides the point 3. Hubert! I mean, I run a blog for this guy, so I have to have him near the top lololol - I love this awkward broody boy, even if sometimes I wanna shake him and go YOU HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF EDELGARD, JUST LET YOURSELF HAVE ONE 4. Dorothea! Absolute QUEEN both pre and post timeskip (even if my heart hurts for her post timeskip), I love her lots. I would happily watch her performances even if I have the attention span of a goldfish </3 5. Caspar! He’s very excitable and fun, and honestly I relate with the whole “I wanna fight EVERYTHING” mindset - even if I’m the biggest coward around LMAO 6. Bernie! I love her lots, and I wanna give her a hug, but Intsys...siiighs...The way she was handled could’ve been a lot better, yknow? 7. Linhardt’s...there. I used to like him a lot more, but now he sure is there. I do relate to the constant sleepiness though. 8. Edelgard...ohhhh Edelgard. I can’t really say I hate her, but she is Far from my favorite. It’s mostly her ideologies and actions that make me really dislike her, even if I can appreciate her as a character. Maybe I’ll go into it some other time, but I’ve rambled enough already.

18. Rank the Blue Lions from your favorite to least favorite. 1. DIMITRI MY BELOVED...I love my boy so much I want to give him the world and the happiness he deserves. My heart absolutely broke for him post timeskip, and I will never not be mad about his VW fate. NEVER. 2. Ashe!! Soft sunshine boy...I want to give him hugs n happiness and I love his supports so much ;w; 3. Dedue!! I jus...I jus want him to not have to constantly restrain himself and be able to express himself and share his culture....he’s such a good boyo... 4. Annette! Lil sunshine gal...I love her songs and how absolutely cheery she is! ...I would absolutely kill Gilbert for her 5. Felix! He’s one grumpy boyo, but I do love him - even if someone needs to get him to take anger management classes. Badly. Very Very Badly. 6. Mercedes! She’s so soft and nice...I love her lots. I kinda wish I had more to say, but I don’t unfortunately - I just love how soft n kind she is sdklfjkds. 7. Sylvain...I care him, but GOD does this boy need to drink his Respect Women juice. Badly. I do have a soft spot for him though, deep down. Even if I wanna strangle him sometimes KJDLFKJS 8. Ingrid....ohhhh Ingrid. I know you’re traumatized, and your dad’s a bitch, but like. You’re not that great. I’m sorry to Ingrid-lovers but I cannot tolerate her racism(or homophobia....or implied transphobia in the Japan version...) and that’s of the stuff I remember.

19. Rank the Golden Deer from your favorite to least favorite. 1. CLAUDE, OF COURSE CLAUDE IS NUMBER ONE. His route was the first one I picked, so of Course I have a soft spot already. And then he’s just?? This amazing boyo I wanna love and support forever??? Like hello that is my BOY, wanting to End Racism!! 2. RAPHAELLLL MY BOY!! He’s a goof and a himbo and he’s a very loveable goof and a himbo. He’s just so nice?? Like he might not use his brain often but by GOD does he use his heart and I love it. There isn’t enough Raphael love around here and I am very sad about it. 3. Marianne!! Boy do I just want to give this poor girl a HUG, she really deserves it. I just wanna tell her that she deserves love and support before giving her said love and support yknow sobs 4. Ignatz!! Anxious artist son...Even if sometimes I wanna shake him and tell him not to blame himself and to believe in himself more, I’m always following that up with giving him love and support because he deserves it ALWAYS. 5. Hilda! I love her lots, yknow? Shes vibing and I love her for it....Eeeeeven if her racist moments make me cringe. A lot. Like girl, please, think before you speak 6. Lysithea! I feel so bad for her, honestly? Her backstory just makes me hurt, and the fact that most of her ending cards seem to end with her dying early on?? Just um...her attitude in the Academy phase really, really irks me. She really needs therapy (like most of the kids in Fodlan in seems...). 7. Leonie...I’m sorry, I know she’s probably not that bad. In fact, she’s probably really good! Just...god does her B support with Byleth really kill whatever good feelings I might’ve had for her. I’m still trying to give her a second chance, just...the timing and what she says don’t help her at all. 8. Lorenz...I will concede that he’s much better post timeskip than he is during the Academy phase. But for the most part, his attitude during the Academy phase just got on my nerves to the nth degree. Also doesn’t help he’s got the weirdest face + haircut I ever did see KLJSDLFKJSDKLFJS

[dent-de-leon]

what did you think abt the new chapter, im so soft and so sad

I LOVED IT!! I’d say it’s easily one of my favorites!!! Even though,, yes,, it really did hurt ;; Noe’s willingness to sacrifice his own arm really did strike me as a nod to Gilbert, and I’m so torn up over it. To be honest,, when I saw this, a part of me wondered if vampires could regenerate limbs, just because I couldn’t quite believe it. It’s an incredibly serious wound for a major character to get, especially this early on in the series.

I’m actually really worried what the recovery process for this will be--since he’s been so badly hurt, will he need to start drinking more blood? How long will he need to take to heal? Will he receive a prosthetic, or would he prefer to not have one? I hope we get to see time spent on him adjusting to his disability and his feelings on it, because I think that’s important.

And I’m still not over how Vanitas was being so soft and tender when he was encouraging Noe just a few panels before. He told Noe what he needed to hear, and that’s what made him really able to commit to it. As he says, if he wasn’t willing to charge ahead like that and lose the arm, he would’ve died. He made a hell of a gamble, and did so because he trusted both himself and Vanitas. But damn if it didn’t come at a cost ;; 

ALSO,, Astolfo, ASTOLFO!! I literally always gush about Vanitas and Noe and Domi but I don’t think I’ve ever really mentioned how I’m just Attached to this angry boy...we’ve seen glimpses of his backstory before, but nothing was ever as impactful as this. It was like a punch in the gut. As a child, Astolfo is defined as being “too kind,” and he ends up paying a heavy price for it. I think it’s also very interesting that Noe clearly empathizes and doesn’t want to fight someone like him. In previous chapters, we’ve even seen him outright pause mid battle to sincerely ask Astolfo why he hates vampires so much. 

Noe really does believe in understanding--in unity between humans and vampires. So it’s really different to see Vanitas explaining to him that everyone has their own conflicting beliefs and ideals. You’ll always be good in someone’s eyes and bad in someone else’s. Noe can’t change what Astolfo thinks, how he feels about vampires, what he’s seen and experienced--he can only fight for his own ideals, and try to protect the people he cares about. Narratively, I think it’s a really different approach to something like this, but I like it. 

I hope Astolfo is able to kind of hang in there and hopefully get some fulfilling character development in the future. He might not be right, but damn if I don’t feel for him. I hope he’s eventually able to find some sort of peace and support system--and also get the hell off whatever drugs the church is pumping them full of because holy shit?? Obviously Astolfo overdosed, which is why things broke so bad, but still...I have a hard time believing that whatever they’re being given is Good for them and I’m pretty worried about Roland and the others honestly...

And again, as sad as this chapter was, it really did have the most heartwarming and beautiful ending!! Chloe’s friends reaching out to her--and her finally reaching back!! The way they all fall together and land in a happy little cuddly pile very reminiscent of that one chapter with Noe and Vanitas in the lab. The fact that Chloe outright chooses life even though Vanitas explicitly tells her how hard that will be, how even after all this time she still trusts Jeane,, Chloe overcoming everything on her own with the support of her loved ones...the fact that all she’s ever wanted was to be loved and she finally gets that,, she’s saved by that!! Vanitas no carte is certainly heartbreaking and tragic, but it’s also incredibly heartwarming in this bittersweet kind of way. 

Even the flower petals falling like snow, the sky looking like it’s lit with stars--it’s all so very beautiful and comforting. I wasn’t sure that Chloe was really going to make it out of this one-or Jacques for that matter--and I’m super relieved to see them all happy and together :’)) It made me want to cry, but in the way where you could have this good, happy, cathartic cry,, very poignant and heart wrenching,,

[howlcharm]

The Best Year of my Life

So I’m not exactly sure why I’m writing this, and probably nobody will read this (since believe me, it’s gonna be LONG) but since this hell of a year is kind of close to ending I feel like I need to share my thoughts on what this year has meant to me so far.

To be honest, I can say this has been one of the fucking hardest years of my life. Why you may ask? Well believe me when I tell you, shitty stuff after shitty stuff has happened to me, around me or to my family all year long. I don’t really wanna tell you everything, but it’s been pretty fucking hard for everyone.

Donn’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for the life I’ve been given and I’m not trying to make this out to be a rant, but I just wanna share my personal experience this year and explain why even though this has been one of the most terrifying and hardest years of my life I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You see, I’ve always been a pretty self-conscious person, really insecure, anxious and believe me, for the longest time I’ve struggled with self-loathing. Not only that, but peer pressure just kills me, so I’m not the most social person nor the one that wants to be the center of attention. Also all of my high school years were pretty much the most boring and monotonous years of my life. You know, I was the stereotypical nerd, perfect grades, just a few close friends and barely went to any parties. Basically no guy showed any interest in me (except for my best friend, which believe was a mess) which just made me more self-conscious, especially considering I was the “ugly duckling” of my friend group, since all my “girl friends” got all the guys drooling for them.

So yeah, High School was pretty uneventful for me and believe me it sucked. So if you are in High School believe me it always sucks, you’re not alone out there haha.

Anyway, this backstory was necessary so you can understand the current story.

As of right now, I’m on my third year of college and for once in my life I had finally made a decent group of friends with some pretty cool people and I was starting the break out of my shell a little bit. Started hanging out with them, having small house parties and it was all fun and games. Those were all pretty new experiences to me and it made me so happy to be in that place.

That was until last semester I had a slip up and made a terrible mistake. I’m not gonna get into details, but I (and another person who we’ll call “L”) made a terrible mistake that would fuck up the dynamic of our friend group. But you see, the thing is nobody knew what had happened and eventually we just kind of forgot it had happened.

Of course, I felt guilty about what had happened, but I tricked myself into believing it didn’t matter and nobody would find out.

That was until this semester. Everything was fine and dandy but you see, the thing is when you do something wrong and you’re a chronical over thinker like me you can’t just forget about stuff.  There was this tension in the air in our friend group… I wasn’t sure what it was, but of course the idea that somebody had found out about that slip up never left my mind.

Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and came clean. It was like word vomit. Of course, I didn’t tell everyone, I just told the person that needed to know and apologized. But that’s thing about “friend groups”, gossips spread fast and soon enough everyone knows everything.

So people started texting me and a “friend” of mine sent me this 7 minute long audio just making me feel like shit. Telling me how I had lost everyone’s trust and reminding me how “L” was suicidal and how by coming clean he might try to commit suicide.

I was already an emotional wreck before I received that audio, and as you can guess that only made me feel worse. I couldn’t stop crying and the thought of “L” trying to commit suicide almost gave me a panic attack.

Of course I wasn’t alone through all that. My loving family was there supporting me and telling me everything would be fine. But at that moment I just felt numb. I felt like the most horrible person in the world. I felt so unworthy of love. I felt like shit. Eventually, when I was alone and couldn’t stop thinking horrible things I just did it. I grabbed this razor blade (I’m not sure what it’s called) and slit my right arm wrist. I didn’t cut deep enough, I couldn’t get myself to do it… but I just felt like I deserved some kind of punishment for being such a horrible person.

I immediately regretted it and stopped the bleeding. I couldn’t do that, I just thought about my sister, my mom and my dad and how they would freak out if they saw what I was doing. I couldn’t do that to them, I just couldn’t hurt them anymore. That was honestly one of the most terrifying nights of my life. You see, I’m not suicidal, I’ve never been.  And that night the thought didn’t even cross my mind, I just felt like I needed to be punished.

And that’s the thing. By reading this you may think “Oh, she’s being overdramatic”, “She just wants attention” “That’s so stupid”, and deep down I knew it wasn’t such a big deal, but when you’re emotionally unstable, when you’re an anxious mess, when you’re insecure, when you’ve always been the perfect friend and person, a silly slip up like that can turn your life upside down.

The next day only made everything worse. I went to college and saw my best friend, who unfortunately saw my arm and realized what I had done. He got so fucking angry at me. And that just worsened everything. The only fucking friend I had left was now angry at me. I pretty much spent all day locked in a bathroom crying.

Four days later I got into a freaking car crash that could’ve ended up pretty badly, but instead of being grateful nothing terrible had happened all l I could think about was: You know what? I fucking deserve this. This is my karma for being such a shitty person.

The following weeks even though nobody was hating on me, or treating me badly or anything I couldn’t stop thinking about shit. I thought everyone was constantly talking about me, I felt everyone hated me and the list goes on and on. I had no peace in my mind and I kept feeling guilty about everything that had happened. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone, I couldn’t even talk to “L” because I felt people were constantly judging me… Gosh that was a pain in the ass. And whenever I tried hanging around with my “friend group” I just felt like I didn’t belong there anymore. They had even created a group chat without me and “L”.

Social situations like these were exactly what had always made me anxious. Just the thought of being abandoned by everyone, being judged and being alone killed me. I tried finding support on the few friends I had left, which turned counterproductive for me, ‘cause then I just felt like I was being a burden for them and that I just complained all the time over stupid shit.

And whenever I felt like I was finally getting over everything, the smallest thing triggered my overthinking and I just felt sad again.

But as one of my role models Elizabeth Gilbert once said: “It all goes away. Eventually everything goes away.” Of course, it just doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t just wake up one day and you feel confident and happy all of sudden. It’s not like that at all, you have to work for it. You have to work for you happiness, not for “L”, not for you “friends” and not for anyone else but for yourself.

Eventually I just got tired. I got tired of feeling sad all the time, I got tired of thinking about everyone’s opinions and I especially I got tired of thinking so badly of myself. But of course, I couldn’t do it alone. I started going to a psychologist, and while I don’t mean to say that psychologists are the best and the answer for everyone, it definitely has helped me work things through.

You see, life is a mess. There’s no other way to put it. And sometimes you may wonder why a lot of crappy stuff happens to you. You simply can’t understand it in the moment and you feel like the world is over. And people may tell you that you’re being overdramatic, that whatever happened to you is not such a big deal, but they will never be in your shoes and they will never understand what you’re going through. So, while some might think what happened to me was stupid and I made a big deal out of nothing, for me it wasn’t like that.

When your mind plays you around anything can be a big a deal and nobody and I mean absolutely nobody has the right to minimize your problem. So don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re being stupid or overdramatic, because your feelings and valid.

When your self-esteem and your everything has touched rock bottom and has always been there for pretty much all your life, it is fucking hard to change your way of thinking and you view of yourself. Believe me, I’ve struggled with it all my life. But once, you start seeing your worth, how fucking awesome you are and finally start giving yourself the love and respect you deserve everything around you starts changing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a work in progress and it’s gonna take some time until I can heal my wounds and I can make amends with myself for 21 years of self-loathing, but even though it may seem impossible sometimes, it isn’t.

Now back to my original idea, why I wouldn’t have this year any other way. Of course, it would’ve been easier if all this crap hadn’t gone down. If I hadn’t made that mistake last semester, but honestly? I wouldn’t change anything about this. Yeah, it has been fucking hard for me and for the people that care about me, but if this had not happened I would’ve never started healing the wounds I’ve had for all my life. I wouldn’t have realized that even though I may feel alone sometimes, there will always be beautiful people by my side who won’t judge me and will never abandon me. I wouldn’t have realized that it’s okay to be by yourself, that you don’t need to be surrounded by hundreds of people to be complete. I wouldn’t have realized that your mistakes don’t fucking define you and you can learn from them, and most importantly I wouldn’t have realized how fucking much I’m worth it.