#I remember grinding for literal hours just so I could get past the first area in both games!

[offantasiesandreams]

Ok so I haven't made any requests but I have a idea for C/S/R boys . Feel free to ignore it if it doesn't make sense

anyways we all know that according to the game the player abandoned or left them after the mission . So what if the player hasn't left them at all , they are still there just batter and the others could no longer interact with them (kinda got that idea from the game called One Shot )

Imagine that they meet omega who after explaining what happened. They told them about the player been with to which it's obviously confused them but let's just say omega somehow prove that he was telling the truth since he is the smartest amoung the three add-on.

Now how will the rest of their journey will go ? I will let you decide

I feel like there's something people really wanna see here, like a heartfelt reunion between the Player and Batter. I tried writing it, but it felt kind of... unrealistic? Obviously, there's nothing wrong with people wanting to see that sort of thing, but considering the events of the game, I just don't think Batter would be too overjoyed to have his Player back in his life.

C/S/R!Batter with an Unresponsive but Present Player

It’s been a few months since I’ve played the game, but from what I remember, Batter was trying to free himself from his role as a puppet and become his own person. He was trying to find a purpose in his life. So, to hear that the one person he tried to be free from was still in his life, watching, controlling him, it would conflict him. He has made it his life’s purpose to help other people, by being shown that it’s possible to have a goal of your own without someone else telling you what to do. Yes, he has, or had, a bond with the Player, but ultimately? By them still controlling him, he would not have accomplished what he had wanted, so he’d be hurt. It might very well lead him back to having a crisis of who he is. This could lead to him either rebelling against the Player or complying with them and giving in. I suppose it would also depend on what kind of person the Player is, what memories they have with Batter and how they treated him, but I feel as though, eventually, he would try to be his own person again. Having his Player in his life, depending on the former things I’ve mentioned, would be okay with him, but he won’t blindly follow them anymore.

[fruitcoops]

Remus gets injured in a game. I have literally read everything you have written but i'm not sure if you have wrote one like this. If you have, ANOTHER PLZZ

Hello anon! I wove this together with a couple different prompts, listed below:

1. Coops argument

2. Prompt 21: “You need to eat something”

3. Remus gets in a fight with Snape

4. Protective Sirius

5. Coops going home grumpy after losing a game (see link)

Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove! TW for fights, blood, bruises, arguments, and someone getting called a wh*re

Snape’s cheek gave easily beneath Remus’ fist, which was a tad bit surprising. He wrapped his other hand in the neckline of his jersey, yanking him back in to land another punch to the side of his head—that would leave a nasty bruise in the morning. Stars sparkled in his vision as Snape got a lucky shot in and he doubled down, ignoring the thin line of pain that trickled down his chin.

“Break it up, boys, that’s enough!” The referee’s whistle blew as he and another pried Remus’ hands off Snape’s jersey; someone took him by the shoulders and pushed him away from the fight. Pots.

“Say it again!” Remus shouted at Snape as the refs and their teammates continued pulling them apart. “Say it again and I’ll knock your fucking teeth in!”

James’ hold on him faltered for a second as another person skated over and tried to join the melee. “Cap, no!”

“Move, Pots.”

“Loops won the fight, it’s done. Let’s just keep playing.” James shoved both their chests hard enough to send them back a few inches, but Remus’ blood boiled as he ground his mouthguard between his teeth. He glanced up at the clock—3:16 left in the third, Snakes up by two. Their win was almost guaranteed and Snape was still pulling this bullshit.

He skated quickly over to the bench and mumbled his thanks to Hestia as she pressed some gauze to his lip and ice to his cheek. “Lupin, you’re in for the rest of the game,” Coach Weasley said, tapping him on the arm with his playboard. “Anything broken?”

“No, Coach.”

“Then get your ass back out on the ice and score some points. We need some speed.”

He could feel the fury rolling off Sirius as they wove through the Snakes’ defense, shooting again and again to no avail. Frustration built up in every nerve—he was worried about the win, of course, but mostly he was pissed. Pissed at Snape, pissed at James for pushing him, and pissed at Sirius for butting into the fight.

Remus scored a final goal just as the buzzer sounded. Hissing filled the stadium, even though it was a home game. Snape smirked at him as he skated past and the only thing keeping him from dragging him right back in by his greasy hair was the possible suspension.

The shower was cold, because of course the fucking shower was cold. Remus shoved his stuff in his duffel and waited outside the locker room, silently fist bumping the guys as they left. God, he hated losing games. It was inevitable, but it always felt shitty.

“How’s the lip?” Sirius asked when he finally came out, bag slung over his shoulder.

“Fine. What the fuck was that?”

“What was what?”

“You butted into my fight. Nobody asked you to.”

Sirius’ eyebrows rose. “Re, he called you—”

“Yeah, I know what he called me,” Remus snapped, practically slamming the door to the parking lot closed. “I was there.”

The only reason you’re on this team is because you’re the captain’s whore, Snape had sneered. He bit the inside of his cheek as his anger flared at the memory. “I was just trying to help,” Sirius grumbled.

“Well, you didn’t. You proved his fucking point.”

“I didn’t prove shit!” Sirius scoffed as they got in the car. Immediately, Remus felt claustrophobic.

“I had it handled, Sirius!”

“You’re still bleeding!”

Remus ran his tongue along his lip—sure enough, the salty tang of blood filled his mouth. He swore under his breath and held his sleeve to his lip; his cheekbone throbbed and he knew it would be swollen in mere hours.

“Here.”

“I don’t need that.”

“You’d rather stain your sleeve than accept a tissue from me?”

“It’s a black sweatshirt, it’s fine.” Sirius muttered something. “Care to share with the class?”

Sirius sighed as he turned off the freeway. “I said it was your idea to keep these here in the first place. I don’t know why you’re being all pissy with me. We’ve lost games before.”

“I’m pissed because you don’t think I can handle myself in a fight.”

Sirius took his eyes off the road for a half second in shock. “Excuse me? Why do you think that?”

“I just told you!” Remus said, exasperated. “Snape was being a dick, so I punched him. I didn’t need your hero complex to swoop in and save the day.”

“Re, I didn’t even get a hand on him. Pots—”

“Oh, I’m pissed at him as well,” Remus snorted, staring out the passenger window at the blurry lights against the dark. “If someone calls me a whore, I’d rather get the message across that they can’t do it again.”

“Would you rather have gotten a penalty?”

“Yes.”

“That is unbelievably selfish.”

Remus laughed without humor. “Y’know, it’s really funny that you’ve never had this conversation with Logan, the king of the penalty box. Is it because he’s not a delicate flower like me?”

“Wh—” Sirius clenched his jaw and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Remus. I have never seen you as a—a delicate flower. For your information, I have chewed Logan out on multiple occasions.”

Remus gritted his teeth and trained his gaze firmly out the window. He heard Sirius sigh next to him and it took every ounce of willpower to keep his composure. The next ten minutes were dead silent and deeply uncomfortable, which was a rarity with them; even after losses, they would talk through the errors or try to lighten the mood.

Both of them closed their doors a little harder than necessary when they got to the house and Hattie trotted over hesitantly when they came inside. “Hey, Hatters,” Remus murmured, crouching down to her level and holding a hand out. She licked his cheek and let him bury his face in her thick fur—Sirius scratched her ears as he walked past. “Did you have a good time while we were out? Huh, baby girl?” He looked up and saw the tail end of Sirius’ eye roll. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Sirius, it doesn’t work. I’m giving the dog a hug because I’m still pissed at you.”

“There is literally no good reason for you to be pissed at me!” Sirius finally said, tossing his keys into the bowl by the door. “Holy shit, Re, I don’t even think you’re mad at me!”

“Oh, yeah? Then who am I mad at, oh great and wise captain?” Remus practically spat, shouldering past him into the kitchen and wrenching a cabinet open. “Please enlighten me.”

“I wish I knew!”

Remus slammed the bread down on the counter and glared at him. “Then maybe you should shut the fuck up if you don’t have anything to support your claim.”

“Acting like this is a goddamn debate club isn’t helping. Your lip is bleeding again.”

“Fuck.” Remus ripped a paper towel off the roll and dampened it, holding it to his lip with a wince. Sirius opened the freezer and dug around for a moment with another paper towel. “I don’t remember you getting hit.”

“This is for you, you stubborn fucker,” Sirius said as he walked over and pressed it gently to the side of Remus’ face. “Better?”

“…a bit.”

The tension on Sirius’ face began to fade; he just looked concerned as he pulled the ice away and checked the bruise. “Your eye might swell.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you actually want to talk now, or should we yell a little more?”

Remus sighed and felt his anger abate. He was beyond exhausted, and still upset, but having Sirius nearby was like balm on a burn. “I don’t know.”

“I’m going to make some sandwiches. Hold this.” Sirius tapped the ice towel and moved to the abandoned loaf, grabbing some peanut butter and jelly as he went.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You need to eat something.”

“I’m fine.”

Sirius glanced over his shoulder and gave him a look. “I know you, Re. You’re not going to feel better unless you get some food, and neither will I.”

“I hate it when you’re reasonable.”

“No, you don’t.”

Remus’ lack of response was enough of an answer. The pain stretched to his forehead and he grimaced, prodding his lip cautiously. Sirius whistled for Hattie and spread the leftover peanut butter from the knife onto a clean spoon, holding it down for her to lick. A smile tugged the corner of Remus’ mouth. “Cute.”

“I can be cute on occasion.”

“You’re always cute.” There was a beat of quiet. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven. I’m sorry for yelling.”

“Not for interrupting the fight?”

“Nope.”

“That’s fair.” Something tickled at the back of Remus’ throat. “I fucking hate Snape.”

“Me, too.”

“Surprisingly enough, it feels pretty shitty to be called a whore. Who would’ve thought?”

Sirius turned and faced him, sleeves rolled to his elbows. His eyes were soft. “You know that’s not true, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Remus. What he said wasn’t true. You have nothing to prove to anyone on the team, least of all to me. You earned that spot on the roster fair and square, and Snape’s just freaked out because there’s another player who could grind him into the dust without breaking a sweat.” He stepped closer and leaned on the counter next to Remus, leaving a few inches between them. “I don’t think you’re a whore, if that means anything.”

Remus laughed softly. “Of all the people out there, I think you’re the only one who could reliably make that assumption.”

Sirius didn’t smile. “You’re my best friend and also my fiancé. The sex is a great bonus, but my favorite part of being with you is just being with you.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Remus muttered, though the sharp edges began to smooth in his gut. He closed the distance between them and laid his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “Love you.”

“I love you, too. Can I take a look at your lip?”

“Sure.” Remus peeled the towel away and Sirius bent slightly, poking the area around it. “Ouch.”

“That’ll probably take a week or so to heal. He got you good.”

Remus pouted. “No kisses for a week?”

Sirius did laugh that time, bright and sunny enough that Remus nearly made his lip bleed again with the answering smile. “I said nothing about no kisses.” Warm lips trailed from his unbruised cheekbone to the edge of his mouth, leaving tiny tingles in their wake.

“I really am sorry about what I said. You were right, I wasn’t angry with you, and I had no right to go off like that.”

Sirius shrugged. “It happens.”

“It shouldn’t.”

“Then let’s agree to talk first, bite heads off later, okay?” He held his pinky out and Remus linked it with his own, kissing it quickly.

“Deal. Are the sandwiches done? I’m starving.”

Wordlessly, Sirius handed him a sandwich and hopped up to sit on the counter, scooting over to make room for Remus to join him. They ate quietly, swinging their legs as the calmness of the kitchen crept back in once more.

[mulletcal]

sundress seductress - a calum hood one shot.

a/n: okay SO, this is a collab piece w my twin @talkfastromance4​ about a post we both saw about the perks of sun dresses. all the smut for the luke and calum hoes of the world. see her part here!

word count: ~2.9k (literally 18 words off from being 3k)

warnings: smut, all smut basically, light spanking, oral (male receiving), also mentions of receiving oral.

----------

If you had to pick a song for how you originally thought your summer would go, you probably would have chosen ‘Summertime Sadness’ by Lana del Rey.  Cuffing season had come to an end, and so did the relationship you had gotten into mid-October.  Your best friend had other plans for the two of you, however, and that’s how you met Calum - which drastically changed your impending summer plans around.

He made you flustered, but you did well in not showing it.  When you first met, you would always end up with your legs tucked under yourself, leaning in to whatever he was saying.  His words always captivated you, and mixed with his deep, smooth voice you knew that you were a goner.

The night he had everyone over at his, you offered to help stay and clean up, the rest of the group leaning on too drunk to function.  You weren’t too much of a drinker, so having only had a single drink offered to drive your best friend home - But Ashton, recently sober, offered to be a designated driver to most of them.  He always had mused to you that it was funny to be on the outside of things, especially driving your friends home because they often had something hilarious to say.  Ashton also was aware of your crush on Calum, catching your pining looks more often than not.

As you assisted Calum in cleaning up empty bottles and cups, you noticed him tossing glances at you over his shoulder; unsure if it was just his buzzed state, or if something was wrong, you ignored it - figuring if he had something he wanted to say, he would.  It wasn’t until you felt hands on your hips did you realize why he had been looking at you.

“Calum, what are you doing?” But you knew, you could feel him pressed into your back, his arousal apparent.

“I think you know, doll.  Saw you lookin’ at me tonight,” He mumbled, brushing his nose against your neck.  You shivered at the feeling, lacing your fingers with his and tugging them so his arms were wrapped around you more.

While you were very aware that you could have what you wanted right then and there, you were also aware that Calum wasn’t fully in the right state of mind.  “While I would love to, because you do look exceedingly handsome tonight, you’re drunk and I don’t think we should.  If you remember this, maybe some other time, yeah?”

Calum was silent for a moment, too silent, and you could slowly feel your chance with him slipping away.  Taking another beat, he sighed, pressing his lips to your cheek, “I’m sorry. You’re right, you just look so good in that dress - couldn’t stop thinkin’ bout it.”

“No need to be sorry, but I’ll help you clean up and maybe we can chill for a bit longer?”

“You could stay the night, if you’d like.  My bed is very comfy, and I’m sure Duke will appreciate the snuggles.” You couldn’t say no to his boyish charm, so you agreed.  Nothing progressed further than a couple sweet kisses, which made your heart warm.

***

Your sleepovers with Calum became more frequent, but nothing ever going past some kisses, and maybe a little bit of heavy petting.  The time never felt right to let it go further than that, in the back of your mind you were scared if you let it go there too soon it might wreck things between the two of you.

Waking up that morning, you had almost completely forgotten of your plans to go shopping with your best friend, her text asking what time you were picking her up acting as a shot of espresso to your system.  

“Shit, sorry.  An hour, if that works for you?”

She had agreed, and it wasn’t long before you were browsing the aisles of the store, on the hunt for a perfect dress. You had a plan in your head, a way to drive Calum crazy to the point where he would initiate the first move, instead of you feeling inclined to do so.  

“I’m just nervous that after my ex, maybe having sex too soon will just make me seem easy.”

“Didn’t you just get done telling me how you went down on him in his shower last night?” She teased, eyes not glancing up from her phone.  Swatting at her arm, you laughed before turning back to the rows of clothing, your eyes landing on a blue dress that looked nice.

Attempting to show her, you laughed at her flustered expression - you were happy for her, that her talking to Luke seemed to be going well, really well if the text you landed your eyes on had anything to say about it.  It gave you an idea for your best friend to also finally drive Luke over the edge, and it worked because it could maybe go hand in hand with your idea for Calum.

***

The day had finally come, and a few hours before you had sent a text to your best friend:

“Okay, so I’ve been thinking.  Your mans seems like he’s a very visual person, like wants to see the goods before he buys kinda guy.  I’m thinking our plan should be: no panties.  I know your dress is short but hear me out… If you sit across from Luke at any point, you have the perfect opportunity to flash him.  And since he’s a visual person I feel like it won’t be long before you're bent over some sort of surface.”

It didn’t take long for her to respond with, “And what about you?”

“Cal seems more like a touch kinda guy.  I’m guessing at some point there will be no open seats, so I’ll make a move to sit in his lap and casually put his hand on my ass so he can feel.  I also have plans to dance on him so that would likely help push him.”

On top of everything else, you had painted your lips with a deep red lipstick that paired well with your dress, grinning at your own reflection as you sent a selfie to your best friend to see what she thought.  With her approval, you were ready to go.  

The BBQ was in full swing when you arrived, Calum giving you a big grin as if you hadn’t just seen him that morning.  Casually walking over to him, you let his arms slip around your waist in a hug, slipping away teasingly before his hands could dip any lower.

“What kinda party is this, you gonna get me a drink handsome?” You teased, lacing your fingers with his to tug him over to the outdoor bar area.

“Damn hello to you too,” He said with a laugh, biting his lip as you watched his eyes drag over your figure. 

After your first drink, you nursed another while you ate, attempting to put at least one plan of yours into action once you finished eating.  Michael had gone into full DJ mode, and you glanced at your best friend who cocked an eyebrow at you before turning back to Luke.  She had been sitting across from him, so you knew her plan was close to being put in place too. 

Wrapping your arms around Calum’s neck, you swayed your hips with his, a small grin on his lips while he rested his hands on your lower back.  Lifting your eyes to meet his, you moved one hand to meet his on your back, sliding it lower so he could feel that you had gone commando.  His eyebrows shot up in surprise, the look in his eyes changing from amused to something you couldn’t place, and you continued to dance.  At one point, you had turned around so you could grind your ass against him subtly - you knew he got the hint though, from the way his grip tightened on you.

It wasn’t much longer after that did you see your opportunity to strike.  He had taken a break from your dancing, and you had been leaning against the bar to talk to Ashton - but Ashton’s attention got called elsewhere, so you decided to go and take a seat, and no open spots were available.  Taking Calum’s hands, you moved them so you could perch yourself in his lap, ass brushing against his crotch with a bit more pressure than necessary. His fingers tightened on your thighs, giving you a warning look. 

Over the next hour, every chance you got to shift in his lap, you did.  Each time was met with some sort of sharp intake of breath, or a soft warning squeeze.  Brushing your hands through his hair, you would occasionally drag your fingernails along his scalp - something that would typically make him fall asleep, but the combined pressure of your ass against him, and the pressure you applied as you moved your fingers across his head told him you wanted something different.

Excusing yourself, you began to head inside, tossing one final glance over your shoulder to see if Calum was watching, and he was.  You figured the downstairs bar area would be the least obvious place for Calum to pin you against a wall; but it didn’t seem like he cared because he followed you inside almost immediately, arms snaking around your waist as you stopped.

“Where do ya think you’re goin’, angel?” Calum asked, his voice low and husky.  You could feel his length pressing against the small of your back, just like it had the night at his house.  

You licked your lips slowly, tilting your head to look back at him, “Was thinkin’ we could go somewhere more private.”

Without saying another word, you tugged on his hand, giggling softly as he crashed into the doorframe to head downstairs.  He gave you a small pout, ultimately succumbing to his own bout of giggles. As you reached the bottom of the set of stairs, it didn’t take long for Calum to press you against the nearest wall, his right leg going between your thighs and pressing against your core.

“Wish we had more time, so I could tease you for being such a fuckin’ tease.  But who knows, anyone could walk in at any moment and see you like this, so we should get a move on, hm?”  His leg applied more pressure, causing you to gasp and grab ahold of his forearm.

You wasted no time in grinding yourself against his leg, whining at the friction against your bare center.  Fingernails digging into Calum’s arm, he moaned softly and dipped his head to nip at your neck - at that moment you had absolutely zero care in the world if he marked you up, as long as it meant you could have him.

“That’s enough,” he murmured, pulling his leg away, “Princess is so needy, aren’t you? Take anything that I’ll give you, hm?” His large hand cupped your chin, forcing you to look up at him.  You knew he liked to be in control, or you had at least assumed, but seeing him with the dark expression on his face sent electricity coursing through your veins.

Your hands found the buttons to his pants easily, while he worked on his shirt - you were grateful he decided to lose the shirt, because you wanted to be able to leave your mark on every square inch of shoulder and back that you could.  His length wasn’t unfamiliar to you, but knowing where the next few moments were about to lead, you shivered with excitement and pumped him with your hand in agonizingly slow strokes.

“What’d I say about bein’ a fuckin’ tease?” He whispered lowly into your ear, hands slipping around to cup your ass.  “Gonna wrap your legs around me princess?”

Nodding, he lifted you to the best of his ability, you wrapping your legs around him, noting the way he groaned softly at the feeling of your platforms digging into his back.  He took a moment, using his knee to support as he grabbed his length, teasing it against your entrance.  Without another warning, he pushed inside, holding his breath as he sunk in inch by inch.

You had to fight to quiet your moan, lips capturing his in a deep kiss as he began to move his hips slowly, small grunts escaping his lips.  You tried your best to meet his hips, but you came to realize no one had told you how difficult sex against a wall could be. It caused you both to giggle when your ass slipped down the wall, Calum quickly tossing a glance over his shoulder for an alternative.

Both of you gazed the same direction, eyes landing on a bar stool, and he met your gaze with a grin. Calum let your legs down, and you chewed on your lower lip as he slipped out of you, sighing at the loss of him. He guided you gently to bend over the stool, hiking up your dress to rest over your back.

“So pretty like this, wish I had done this sooner,” Calum said, hands roaming over your ass, delivering a soft spank that had you reeling, pushing your ass back against him to encourage him to do something, anything else.  When he finally pushed back into you, the new angle had him dragging across every right spot.

“Baby fuck me, please,” You whined, pushing back against him once again as he started his slow rhythm that he had before. His hands kneaded your backside, which lead you to moan into your arm, attempting to keep at least mildly quiet.

Calum didn’t care, his speed picking up and the sound of skin meeting skin was evident to probably anyone who happened to pass by the doorway.  His moans were short, needy, as he rolled his hips into yours - shifting so he could hit the perfect spot that would send you hurtling towards the edge.

You weren’t sure if it was the fact that it was so risque, the two of you fucking in someone else’s house not hidden somewhere not to be found, or the fact that the two of you had so much sexual tension built up - but the moment he hit that spot, you cried out, very aware that you were going to hit your peak sooner than you would have liked. 

“Cal, cal, cal…” You whispered, knuckles turning white from how hard you gripped the stool.

“Cum for me baby, it’s okay to let go,” he moaned, his hand delivering another smack, more rough this time, against your ass.  The feeling of his hands, the feeling of him was too much, and it sent you over the edge, moaning his name quietly as you did so. He fucked you though it still, your sensitivity in overdrive; his thrusts only slowed when you came down, leaning forward to brush a piece of hair behind your ear, “Princess, m’not gonna last much longer either, I don’t wanna make a mess on this pretty dress of yours.  Can I use that pretty mouth of yours?”

Calum’s words, the huskiness of his voice could’ve driven you to your second orgasm of the night, but he took your whimper as a yes, pulling his length from you leaving you feeling empty.  He coaxed you to your knees, holding your hand as you went down so your shaky legs didn’t make you tumble.

When you got settled on your knees, you took him into your mouth almost immediately, taking him a little too far and gagging at first.  You pulled back a little bit so you could bob your head, flattening your tongue along the underside of his length.  His moans in response encouraged you, bobbing your head faster and using your hand to work what you couldn’t fit. 

Looking up at him through your lashes, you saw him with his head back and eyes closed, letting out breathy moans as you did so.  His fingers tangled in your hair, his hips moving on their own and whispered a soft, “Gonna cum baby.”

You angled your head, letting him to continue to thrust into your mouth before you felt the warm, salty liquid hit your tongue, Calum letting out quite moans as he came down.  When you were sure he had come down, you cleaned him up, using his forearms to stand up, placing a sweet kiss to his lips.

Calum had just pulled his pants back up, and was about to begin buttoning up his shirt when you both heard a door open, only to reveal Luke and your best friend walking out with flushed expressions that you were sure matched yours and Calums.

“Oh shi--”

“Uhh--”

“Hi!” your best friend laugh nervously trying to break the very obvious awkward situation. 

“Were you guys in there--?” You asked.

“Yup,” you nod trying to make the situation pass more quickly. 

“So...we were out here having...and you two--” Calum points at you and Luke “--were in there having--”

“Yeah,” Luke sighs, grabbing your best friends’ hand and tugs her along past the two of you.  You heard him whisper, “Tell fucking no one.” And it made you giggle.

Giving her a thumbs up as she glanced at you, you both laughed before you turned your attention back to Calum, “Sundresses have some perks, eh?” You grinned, swiping at his lip from the red lipstick remnants that were there.

“We’re gonna finish this when we get back to my place,” He said with a smirk, resting against the stool you had been previously bent over.

You had gone to go up the stairs, but turned to look at him over your shoulder, swiping your thumb across your bottom lip before sucking it into your mouth, “Think you already did handsome, but good try.”

tag list:  @haikucal​ @talkfastromance4​ @softbabiestan​ @boyfriend-cal​ @calum-uncrowned​ @wildflowerirwin​ @irwindoll​ @gosh-im-short​ @atlcalm​ @thesubtweeter​ @heavenisapeach​ @ridingcthood​ @loveroflrh​ @wokeupinjapanisabop​ @mantlereid​ @inlovehoodx​ @irwinkitten​ @sexgodashton​

[mammons-sugarbaby]

Hey! If requests are open, could I ask for headcanons or a scenario (you choose) on Levi with a Dom!MC trying out pegging? If you're uncomfortable with pegging, just general him with a dominant MC?

Oooooh let me tell you, this is my jam. I can totally see Levi getting pegged. 

I had to read a lot about pegging and general ass play bc I realized I am woefully uninformed about that area of play. 

Also I felt bad for taking so long with this (bc I went overboard of course) so I'm posting a part 1 I guess? And when I'm done with the other half, I'll combine it into one post~ Hope that's okay!

 It started out in Levi's room, with him gaming on his console and MC beside him on the futon. 

They had been teasing him for the past hour, little things at first: leaning against him, "accidentally" brushing their hand against his leg, playing with his hair. At one point they began rubbing their hand along his thigh, watching his face grow redder and redder as he tried to focus on his match, but his eyes kept darting to MC, who tried to keep the mischievous grin off their face.

 They leaned in close to his ear and blew softly, causing the otaku to jump. He turned his attention fully on them as was about to say something when the TV sounded

 "Match Over!"

 Levi groaned, his eyebrows knitting in frustration, and his head fell back as he glared at the ceiling.

 MC took this as an opportunity to straddle him, delighting in the feel of him already hard beneath them. His head snapped back up, his mouth opening to say something before MC ground against him and he had to clamp his hand over his mouth to stifle his moan.

 He moved his arm to cover his face but MC only grinned and tugged it away, pinning it against the back of the futon, then leaning in to press their mouth to his throat. He let out a shaky breath and they felt his free arm wrap around their waist. MC brought their free hand up and around to the back of his head, threading their fingers in his hair and tugging his head back as they continued to kiss and nip at his throat. 

They continued to grind against him; loving that his arm tightened around them, trying to increase the friction, as his hips bucked slightly. MC knew it was mean, but in the long run it would be worth it. They stilled their hips, moved their mouth away from his throat and released his hair. They used their now free hand to gently pry his arm from around their waist and pin it to his side. 

"Wha-" he started to whine, lifting his head to give MC a pitiful look. 

"Hush and listen to what your master wants to say." MC teased, grinding their hips ever so slightly against him to make a point. 

Levi bit his lip and nodded. 

"Good boy." they purred "I want to try something new, something I think you'll like and I know I will." 

 "What?" Levi asked breathlessly. 

MC chuckled and released his wrists as they got up. Levi began to whine again but MC gave him meaningful look and he pressed his lips tightly together. He leaned back and folded his arms over his chest as he watched MC cross his room to dig through their bag.

 "Close your eyes." MC commanded, hiding something behind them. 

Levi reluctantly did as he was told and closed his eyes. He heard MC doing something but couldn't pinpoint what the noises were, he considered a quick peak when MC gave his a stern reminder to keep his eyes closed. 

"Get undressed. But remember. Keep. Your. Eyes. Shut." MC emphasized each word. 

Levi complied, quickly stripping down to his underwear and sitting back on the futon. He sat up straight, facing forward, his hands clenching and unclenching in his lap in anticipation. MC walked back across the room and stood in front of Levi. They reached down and gently brushed his bangs away from his face, then trailed their fingers down the side of his face and under his chin. Levi swallowed audibly and his lips parted. 

 MC tilted his head up "Open your eyes." 

Levi's eyes flew open, looking first at MC's face, then down at the object in front of him. It took a moment before it registered what the object attached to MC was; but when he realized, he recoiled and once again his face flushed red.

 "Wha- where.....why-" Levi stammered. 

MC put their hands on their hips, a disapproving scowl on their face as they stared down at the embarrassed otaku who refused to meet their eyes. They tsked and reached down to cup his face. 

"You really know how to ruin the mood, Leviathan." 

 At the mention of his full name, Levi's eyes snapped back to MC's face. As they began to pull their hand away, Levi quickly grabbed it.

 "How can I make it up to you, Master?" He asked pleadingly. 

"Mmmh......" MC hummed while giving him an appraising look. 

Straightening, they guided his hand to the strap on, wrapping his fingers around the base. 

"Show me how much you want to be rewarded. I want you to beg for it, convince me you deserve it." 

Levi quickly moved to the edge of the futon, positioning himself closer to the strap-on; and while keeping eye contact with MC, ran his tongue along the underside of it's length. When he reached the head, MC watched as he flattened his tongue making a wide lap beneath, then narrowing it as he glided it along the slit. 

Without pausing, he bobbed his head down onto the silicon cock, taking more of it's length with each pass. His hands came up and grabbed MC's hips; then began deep throating the strap on, thickly coating it in saliva. His movements became more sloppy and MC wound their fingers into his hair, grasping harshly. Levi made what sounded like a whimper and MC felt him dig his nails into their hips. MC began thrusting their hips, picking up their pace until they were literally face fucking the blue haired demon, who looked to be trying his best to keep pace. 

"You look so good with your mouth wrapped around my cock. I want to see just how long you can keep this up, just how much you want your master's approval." MC said huskily, loving how Levi gazed up at them with his amber color eyes.

 They continued until Levi's eyes closed tears started streaming down his face. MC swore they could feel his throat constricting around the false cock. 

MC quickly pulled out, and Levi coughed and gasped for air, holding a hand to his throat. They quickly knelt down and cupped his cheek, wiping away the tear tracks.

 "Levi are you okay?" they asked worried they may have hurt him. He nodded and cleared his throat. 

“I'm okay. Did I.....please you master?” 

 “You did really well.” MC replied, grinning. “I think it's time to set up for your reward.” 

MC stood up, pulling Levi with them and pressing a quick kiss to his lips before moving to open the futon into a bed.

[ye-bloodeh-liar]

I just finished AC Valhalla – A résumé.

I finished the "main story" of Assassin's Creed Valhalla. These are some thoughts of mine. (This was saved in my drafts for two weeks or so. But my stance hasn't altered. Actually, I'm even angrier now.)

Disclaimer: This obviously contains some spoilers here and there. You've been warned, but tbh, who even cares about the story at this point. Also, I know I don't have many followers, and I suspect none of the few that will come across this post will actually be interested in it. That said, if you like reading people's rants about things, regardless of your interest in video games, this might be something for you. I just needed to get this out of my system somewhere. This is a rant (well, vent? I'm venting, I guess) written as it came to my mind. There's no real structure, I think. Sorry for that in advance.

After Origins, which I thoroughly enjoyed and actually played again between Odyssey and Valhalla, and Odyssey, which's name was perfectly fitting since it felt like a fucking odyssey to grind through, I hoped, actually, I was convinced, Valhalla would right Odyssey's wrongs. You see, Odyssey had one big problem for me: It did none of the things that made and still make me love Origins. In short: The world was massive, but felt copied and pasted, uninteresting to explore and lifeless. Basically, it was a lot of green sprinkled with some olive branches. A lot of the times the only way to know roughly where I am was pulling up the map because based on my surroundings, I could've been anywhere. Compared to the intriguing world of Origins, where you always knew in which area of the map you currently were, this was a shitshow. I mean, just walking through the desert in Origins had more atmosphere than the whole city of Athens (the main fucking city) could ever muster up. (Oh, remember the times of AC Brotherhood, where Rome actually felt like a city even though it wasn't actually humongous like the new games are? Or how atmospheric the whole of AC II was? I mean, Venice? Hello? M a s t e r p i e c e) But I can overlook that. The combat didn't feel heavy, or to put it better, "impactful" like it did in Origins, but more like poking the enemies to their deaths with something that made sword-y sounds. But I can overlook that. The loot system improved a bit, in the sense of giving the option to modify your loot and being able to combine different armor pieces, however, Origins outfit-system was more up my alley. But I can overlook that. Funnily enough, compared to its predecessor, Odyssey looked worse. In Origins the fabric of your outfit look like actual fabric and, I can't stress this enough, waved in the wind. In Odyssey everything felt more static and somehow "fake". But I can overlook that. To me, Origins' story was masterfully done. Personally, I'd say, that this is the closest we've ever gotten to the Ezio-Trilogy. The voice acting was top notch. Bayek was a great character, and the side characters like Aya/Amunet were equally intriguing. I still remember the first time I saw the first confession cutscene after killing Medunamun. It gave me shivers and goosebumps and got me excited for what was about to come. What I want to say with this, is that Origins made me care; care about its characters, care about their backstory and motives, care about the world, etc. After I had finished the DLC The Hidden Ones I felt like I had actually witnessed the igniting spark of something epic, namely the Assassin Brotherhood, in such a chilling way, even though they basically were just chillin' in a cave. Because that's what character building gives you: payoffs. Well, Odyssey did none of that. All it did made me care about was to get all the loot, because that's what my mind always goes for in any game (I'm that kind of stupid ape). I didn't care about what would happen in the end – I just wanted to get there. I wanted to know how the story would end, but in whichever way it would, I knew I wouldn't care for it in the sense of being disappointed or yearning for a different outcome for the character I was so invested in, because, as I said, nothing got me invested in the character(s) in the first place. That's what bugged me the most about Odyssey. Not the flimsy feeling combat, not the husk of a world I found myself in, not the downgrade in design and animation, etc., but the lack of care it invoked.

Now, when Valhalla was originally announced, I was excited as I could be for a video game. Ubisoft was clearly aware of their mistakes with Odyssey and tried to show that they're willing to listen to their fanbase. A world where every area has its own identity? Sounds great. Heavy combat? Hell yeah. Gear and loot that actually matters and is special (unlike in Odyssey where after a few hours of playing you find yourself carrying the same fucking bow 25 times)? Oh my. Choices not for the sake of choices, but story? Yes please. I mean, if you have to implement choices. Even though choices don't really make sense in Assassin's Creed, but that's another topic.

Well, did it deliver (for me)? No. And to be completely honest, I prefer Odyssey, even as the grindfest that it is, over Valhalla, and me replaying Odyssey seems a lot more likely to me, than going through all of Valhalla again. I'm not going to list all of the points mentioned above again in full detail: The world is a bit more intriguing than Greece, but a shadow of what Egypt was. The combat feels heavy, yet every weapon looks too big (????) and it still feels a bit off. My biggest grudge of the minor points is actually the look/the graphics: How on earth does Valhalla manage to look less real than Origins? The fur and pelts on the armor, every piece of cloth, i mean just e v e r y t h i n g looks somewhat plasticy (at loss for a better word here; just compare Origins' outfits in motion to Valhalla's) Anyway, let's get to the real problem here, because all boils down to the point I've mentioned before: Invoking care.

This became very apparent to me after forging the fourth (?; was it the fourth? They all blur together. That's how e n t i c i n g they are. Great.) alliance or so. I didn't give a single fuck about the characters in those arcs. It was very clear that they'd be soon replaced by other characters in the next alliance's arc, which I probably wouldn't care for either, especially, since they all felt somewhat the same: empty. Alliances felt like checklists to do. Even Wincestre, which had an interesting beginning, somehow managed to loose all of its "darkness" after the first two quests. But I could overlook the dreary sidequest-like alliance arcs, if they served the main storyline in some way or form. Now you might ask, what main storyline? E x a c t l y. Looking back, there is none. At least not really. And there where a lot of times playing the game where I found myself wondering, if this alliance-arc-thing I was currently dragging myself through was in fact meant to be the actual story. But it shouldn't be. Was it? I have no fucking clue. My conclusion on what Valhalla's main overarching story is, is what follows:

Eivor's parents got killed when he was a child (never seen before lol), got adopted, and is now part of the Raven clan with his "brother" Sigurd//Sigurd comes home from some raid with the Assassins Basim and Hytham//(Eivor gets the Hidden Blade; I mean, this is an Assassin's Creed game. Big moment. Done in 2 seconds.)//Sigurd and Eivor aren't happy with the new King of Norway.//Sigurd and Eivor fuck off to England (with Basim and Hytham) to set camp there.//Eivor starts to forge alliances throughout England to make his clan's hold on England stronger.// Sigurd and Basim do their own thing.//Eivor meets Sigurd and Basim two or three times throughout his alliance forging.//Basim seems a bit off.//Sigurd says that he was told (by Basim?) that he is a descendant of the gods.// Sigurd wants to "pursue his destiny"// (sidenote: the last few things are all within one (!) short cutscene in a small house. d e v e l o p m e n t.)//Sigurd gets captured and tortured and loses his hand.//Eivor rescues Sigurd.// Sigurd is back in the settlement.//Sigurd distrusts Eivor because Eivor doesn't believe Sigurd and Sigurd thinks Eivor wants to take his title as the jarl (jarls are the bosses of settlements).// And then the end sequence hits. This is where I want to go into somewhat detail again. We go from Sigurd distrusts Eivor to "Eivor, I don't wanna be the boss of the town, so I don't hold a grudge anymore, let's go back to Norway and I'll show you I was right all along" like it's nothing. It's literally just that: You walk up to Sigurd, he says this (more or less) and you sail away. Again: development is taken very seriously in this game. Honestly, at this point I didn't even know that this was going to trigger the ending. My genuine thoughts were "Oh my, finally, after all this grinding, the story is going to start." when in reality of course, ironically, it was going to end. Absolute belter. So you sail to Norway with Sigurd, which takes fucking forever, because OF COURSE you have to sail (for everyone who didn't play the game, yes, sail, that means looking at a viking longship while occasionally moving the stick slightly to change its directions slightly) to your original settlement in Norway, for what feels like far too long, only to say Hi to your dad. Fucking lost it. I thought we were going to assassinate the King? Nah bruv let's just have some quick family talk instead. Some action? Nah. Just get back to the longship. A N D S T A R T S A I L I N G A G A I N. Where? Just around the curve of our settlement in Norway. Yes, they pulled the old trick of the ending is literally just right around the corner of your starting position hehe. Absolute belter. Is this to make it seem like something is about to happen? The calm before the storm? It doesn't work like that. Well, then you actually sail through a storm (lol), which doesn't matter, because Sigurd just says "Let's keep going" and, well, you keep going. Also, to this point the weather conditions have never affected neither Eivors health, nor the ship in any way whatsoever, so why should I be impacted by a storm now? Like, it's a nice thing for atmosphere, but at least make the ship harder to steer or something. Then you walk up a mountain. Funnily enough Sigurd walks in manner that shows that the walk against the storm isn't easy, whereas you, hah, you can just yeet yourself up that mountain like nothing. I could sprint up there. Fucking sprint. Anyway, Eivor and Sigurd enter the Isu temple, because of course, we had to throw an Isu temple in there, I mean, i t ' s A s s a s s i n ' s C r e e d. Was it hinted at before in the story? Not really. Were we chasing or searchig for it? Nah, better get that next alliance going. It just suddenly was. Again: development. So we walk to the main platform of the temple and activate the machine and bam we're in Valhalla (because at some point Ubisoft realised that maybe they should include what is literally in the name of the game). Again, were we looking for Valhalla? Like not in the sense that every viking was, but more in the sense

of was it the main objective of the game? Did Eivor look for a way to Valhalla? Was there anything that led us here other than Sigurd having had a few dreams (that only got mentioned, like, twice?) and being influenced into thinking he was a demigod or something? Nope, Eivor was looking for that next alliance to forge. So, Eivor realises that his experience of Valhalla is fake and he wants to get out. But fake-Odin doesn't want to let him go. In a really weird cutscene (jump to 6:30), Eivor eventually escapes Odin and enters a door with his settlement-family (look, I'm all here for metaphors, but this, this is just utter rubbish. It just doesn't make sense, and there is no payoff whatsoever). Odin actually had a build-up of some sort. In every assassination sequence he's there and talks with Eivor. I actually thought there would be some cool payoff/ending/reveal here. But nah, this ain't it chief. Yet somehow, until here, I had hope. I thought maybe now, building on all this confusion, there's gonna be a relatively good ending. Something enticing. Something that made everything somewhat worthwile. And Ubisoft went: Lol nah. So, you're out of the Isu machine again (for all the non-AC-peoples here: basically like the matrix. Eivor gets hooked up to the machine and experiences alternate reality: Valhalla), and Basim is there. What a twist. The guy that showed up like three times and went from friendly in the first time to super suspicious (like glaring-in-your-face-suspicious) in the two-or-so other major cutscenes he was in, has now been revealed as the enemy. Congrats to that. What a twist. The thing is, and this bothers me a lot actually, it could have been anyone there. It didn't need to be Basim. It wouldn't have felt out of place if it wasn't him. Why? Because Ubisoft failed terribly at making you connect to any character and at building any actual story (or character). It could have been Gunnar, the friendly black-smith in our settlement, and it would have been as fitting as Basim. Then Basim says that this is "for his son". Ah yes, the lost son of Basim, which was mentioned once. Right. Eivor defeats Basim by hooking him up on the Isu machine and gets back to the settlement with Sigurd (in my ending at least. There seems to be a possible ending in which Sigurd doesn't come back.) Cut to the modern day, where Layla now knows the coordinates of the Isu temple, goes there, hooks herself up to the machine, becomes the overseer of time with the other overseer of time which already was hanging out there (I mean yeah, great idea, terrible execution. Build it up, then you can have a payoff. This was just straight outta nowhere, and who cared about Layla anyway.) Anyway, meanwhile Basim, who was still hanging on that machine a fuck ton of years later, pops off, and is now living in the modern day. The idea here is, that we lost the hero (Layla) which caused the (just established) vilain (Basim) to do his fuckery in the modern day. But why should I care? Basim was basically nonexistent in the basically nonexistent story and suddendly I should feel sad or shocked, because he's in the modern day? Is this supposed to be intriguing? And yeah, Layla is "gone". Layla, who had no character building over three fucking games. Why should i be bothered? Why should I care about anything that just happened? Remember when a side character (Lucy) died in AC Brotherhood? That was intriguing. Why? Because they built her as a character we (Desmond) trusted, even though it was in the modern day (which no one really cares about in AC). And this is why Valhalla broke me and Odyssey didn't. Valhalla failed to make me care on a much deeper level. It's just a lot of nothingness. Empty characters in a nonexistent story. And by nonexistent, I mean non-built at all. When I play the game now, I have no actual reason, and throughout the game never actually had any actual reason, to continue. It was a chore. I didn't bother if after three hours of grind I would eventually get a mini-snippet of a husk of a story, and neither do I care now. Everything in

this game is so devoid of sparking curiosity and screams of lacklusterness to the point where I don't even know what I have actually expierenced. For fuck's sake Ubisoft, make me care again. At least once in 40 hours.

May I sum up Valhalla's "story" and content in the glorious words of Catherine Tate: Am I bovvered? The answer, sadly, is a holistic no.

[hrtiu]

Foxiyo Week day 2! Better late than never! The prompt is Trust: safety, faith, protection. Sometimes, even the great Commander Fox needs protecting. AO3 link.

Nobody’s perfect. Even CC-1010, Commander Fox, highest ranking clone in the GAR, made mistakes sometimes. When pressed, there were exactly three mistakes over the course of his career that Fox could remember with perfect clarity.

---

“I specifically requested an escort for my trip to Bothawui, and you’re telling me no one’s available?” Senator Paulness asked, his watery eyes flashing in frustration.

Sithspit, Fox thought, looking down at his datapad. “Weren’t you sharing the transport with Senator Chuchi?”

Commander Fox stood on the landing platform between Senators Chuchi and Paulness and their respective entourages. Behind him a squad of clones stood at attention—enough clones for one senatorial escort but definitely not two.

“Senator Chuchi? When did I ever say anything about Senator Chuchi?” Senator Paulness said, hands on hips.

“Aren’t you both going to Bothawui?”

“Yes, but to entirely different cities on entirely different diplomatic missions! Do you think this one escort can be with both of us at the same time on two different sides of the planet, Commander?”

Fox looked back down at the datapad, his mind struggling to call back to his conversation with Senator Paulness from two months ago amidst the thousands of other meetings, councils, briefings, and requests floating around in his memory. Senators Paulness and Chuchi had approached him on the same day, requesting to go to the same system, but now that he thought about it, they hadn’t said they’d be going together.

“Eh, no, sir,” Fox said, already bracing for whatever ire Senator Paulness was about to unleash on him. “My mis-”

“I’m so sorry, Zinn,” Senator Chuchi said, approaching her colleague and taking him by the arm. “I told Commander Fox I’d be going with you when I made the request. When I first heard about your trip I thought we might travel together, then later I changed my mind and forgot to tell Commander Fox.”

Fox stared at Senator Chuchi like she’d grown a second head, though she had no way of telling on the other side of the helmet. She was lying. She was lying to spare his shiny ass.

Senator Paulness looked down at the blue arm hooked around his elbow, his eyebrows climbing up his forehead in surprise. “Oh, eh, well… It’s no problem, Senator Chuchi. An honest mistake.”

“I can get another escort together in a few hours,” Fox said, doing a few quick calculations on patrol schedules and outstanding favors on the inside of his visor. “Would that work for either of you?”

“Since it was my mistake, I’d be happy to take the later escort. Thank you for being so accommodating,” Senator Chuchi said, her composed features gracing him with an elegant smile. Fox resisted the urge to cough.

“Certainly.”

Fox got Senator Paulness sorted with his escort, then saw the transport off the landing platform and called in the squad who’d be taking Senator Chuchi. When all the logistics were finally done, he personally walked Senator Chuchi to the transport. He held a hand out to her to help her up the gangplank and she took it. 

“Thank you,” he said, just loud enough for the mic in his helmet to pick up and vocalize the message.

Senator Chuchi smiled down at him. “It was my pleasure, Commander.”

---

Fox’s second mistake nearly leveled the city. Fox stood on a platform overlooking the carnage the Zillo Beast had wrought, the sheer amount of work to do the only thing keeping him from boiling alive in a wash of guilt and anger. Over a hundred people, citizens and clones alike, killed by a beast that he and his men should have contained.

Chancellor Palpatine finished talking with the Jedi who’d helped subdue the beast, then joined Fox on the platform, the kindly face he always wore hardening just a fraction.

“Well, Commander. How did this happen? You told me this creature was secure.”

Fox tensed, his fingers flexing nervously on his blaster. Chancellor Palpatine represented the Republic in a literal sense, and failing him felt like failing Fox’s duty to the Republic. “We made it as secure as we could, sir. The beast was an unknown quantity.”

“There should have been contingencies. Backup plans! Ray shields on ray shields! Look at all these casualties,” Chancellor Palpatine said, his eyes misting over as they surveyed the smoldering city. 

Fox wanted to sink right into the duracrete below them and perish. “I… Sir, I… Did what I could-”

“Chancellor Palpatine, are you alright?” a soft, lilting voice said. “I heard you were trapped on an airship when the creature attacked.

Senator Riyo Chuchi joined them on the platform, her headpiece and elaborate hair dishevelled but otherwise unharmed. Chancellor Palpatine turned to her, his eyes widening and a weary smile rising to his lips.

“I am unharmed, thanks to the quick thinking of Anakin Skywalker,” he said.

“I’m so glad to hear it, Chancellor. And Commander,” she said, turning to Fox, “Please do not blame yourself for this incident. I saw that creature from the Senate building. There was no way to contain it, and it should never have been brought here in the first place.”

Chancellor Palpatine’s eyebrows rose and he leaned backwards, surprised by the Senator’s gentle, implied rebuke. And Fox… Well, Fox didn’t know how to feel. It was strange, having someone come to his defense, and this was the second time now. The deep well of guilt in his gut started to evaporate, if only a little, and his sense of personal responsibility for the carnage before him ebbed to a more manageable  degree.

“Well, ahem. Thank you, Senator Chuchi, for your concern,” Chancellor Palpatine said.

“Thank you, Senator Chuchi,” Fox said.

“No,” she said, reaching her hand out towards him. “Thank you for protecting our capital every day.”

He shook her hand, and even through his gloves he could swear he felt warmth.

---

The third mistake Fox made came very close to ending his life, but in other ways saved it.

He’d let the Jedi librarian—Jacosta Nu—go. She’d used her mind tricks on him and escaped. Fox wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do to apprehend someone who could warp his very thoughts, but excuses wouldn’t work on the Emperor, or on his new disciple, Darth Vader.

“The temple is sealed, Lord Vader,” Fox told the imposing man as he strode up the temple steps. “What are your orders?”

“Unless authorized by either the Emperor or me—no one enters, no one leaves.”

“Yes, sir.”

Vader swept past Fox, his long black cloak trailing behind him, and walked through the temple doors. Fox stayed behind, monitoring the comms and making sure the perimeter stayed clear. Then the shooting started.

“Sir, we’ve got another Jedi!” a trooper shouted frantically over the comm.

“Don’t let them escape! Apprehend them by any means necessary!” Fox said.

More shooting continued, then several screams. Fox lost one, two, three men.

“Commander Fox?” a voice asked, a voice entirely at odds with the current situation. Fox turned around and his heart rate spiked at the sight of Riyo Chuchi walking up the temple steps, ignoring the troopers waving her away.

“Ma’am, this area is not safe-”

“What’s going on, Fox? They’re saying that the Jedi have betrayed us, but that can’t be true! I can’t get a straight answer out of anyone-”

“Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, right now,” Fox said, his teeth grinding in tension. She was not supposed to be here. Fox wasn’t allowed to have opinions about his orders, but one thing he did know was that he didn’t want Riyo Chuchi’s hands to be sullied by the kind of work he had to do now.

He signalled to Captain Dennet, and the trooper gently but firmly took Senator Chuchi by the arm and started to haul her away.

Fox checked back in on his comms, and everything was chaos.

“He got Sinkeye!”

“Ahhh!”

“Wait, wait! That’s not a Jedi-!”

Then Darth Vader himself descended from a broken window high up on the temple wall, his bulky body moving with a balletic grace. As the dark figure slowly advanced on him, it all came together in Fox’s head. The chaos from the comms, Vader’s orders, the cold anger in his voice—this was an even bigger mistake than letting the librarian go.

“Your men were shooting at me, Commander,” he said, coming to a stop right in front of Fox.

This will be the last mistake I ever make, Fox thought, his hands starting to shake in one final contradiction to the training he’d received on Kamino. Now, Fox knew with absolute certainty that clones could fear.

“I’m sorry, sir! They thought you were the Jedi-”

“Did you not provide your troops with my description?”

“I- I didn’t expect anything like this to happen, sir. I just didn’t think-”

Darth Vader raised his hand and Fox squeezed his eyes shut, somehow knowing despite having never dealt with him before that Vader’s hand was all it would take to kill him.

“Stop!”

Fox opened his eyes and all he could see was the back of Senator Chuchi’s cloak, the crimson hiding him from the murderous man before him.

“Senator, this matter does not concern you. Leave,” Vader said, his voice deathly still.

“I know that things are different now with the Emperor, and you may be his acolyte, but the Senate still exists. Are you going to murder me, too, to get to Fox? Because that’s what it will take,” Senator Chuchi said, utterly unbowed.

Beyond Senator Chuchi, Vader stood stock still, his mechanized breath slowly puffing in and out. He examined Senator Chuchi like he might a bug beneath his boot, and Fox felt sure that his mistake would now cost two lives instead of one.

“I will be telling the Emperor about this,” Vader said, then he whisked away.

Fox inhaled, the oxygen flooding his deprived brain. He didn’t even realize the power had left his limbs until Senator Chuchi caught him, her tiny frame propping him up.

“Commander Fox, you need to get out of here.”

“...But… We need to keep the perimeter secure…”

Senator Chuchi shoved him back so he was centered on his feet again and looked him sternly in the eye. Fox wondered somewhere in the back of his mind how she managed to catch his gaze through the helmet.

“If you ever see that man again, he’ll kill you. You need to leave.”

“I can’t leave,” Fox protested. “I’m Commander of the Coruscant Guard.”

“We both need to leave. I don’t know if this ‘Lord Vader’ will have much mercy to spare for me, either. If I can see where the wind is blowing, the Senate may very soon become powerless in the face of this new regime.”

“I can’t-”

“Sir,” Captain Dennet interrupted. “Sir, you should go with the Senator. She’s right—Lord Vader will kill you. Either way you’re no longer with the Guard, but at least if you leave you escape with your life.”

Fox looked around, and the other clone troopers nodded solemnly. His chest tightened at their support and concern for him, at the permission they were giving him.

Senator Chuchi held out her hand to him. “Come with me, I was already preparing a transport in case of emergencies.”

Fox looked down at the hand, the pale blue laced with indigo where her skin creased. She was so small and seemingly delicate, and yet she’d caught him each time he fell.

He took her hand.

[forkanna]

[AO3] [WATTPAD]

WARNING: Another NSFW chapter, though this one contains more plot.

NOTE: I apologise for taking nearly a month off from posting. Just haven't been in a writing mood. I'll be trying to get back to our regularly scheduled programme soon!

                                                  ~ o ~

The appointed hour had arrived. Rise watched Ai's face carefully as it was screwed up in concentration, trying to ignore the anxious flutter in the pit of her stomach. This situation was life-or-death, because if it went in a direction she didn't like she would probably want to throw herself off the nearest bridge.

"Well…?"

"Hmm… it's like… a shiny flower… butterfly… thing."

"What?!"

Huffing, Ai pushed up on her elbows a little more. "Well, what do you want me to say?! That's what it looks like, spread open like that!"

"Ughh, you don't have to make me feel like my body is weird! I'm doing this for you, remember?"

"Yes, and I appreciate it, of course," she conceded with a roll of her eyes. "But don't act like I don't have a point; that is what it reminds me of. I'm just being honest."

Now all Rise wanted to do was close her legs. But she had to ask one more question. "Does… does that mean you don't like it?"

"What? No way, don't be an idiot!" Crawling forward to look straight into her eyes, she whispered, "You're the hottest chick at Yasogami. Well, besides me." They both smirked. "And every part of you is beautiful, do you hear me?"

"Okay, okay," she muttered glumly, trying not to pout. "Sorry."

"No, no, I get it. Suddenly I'm the bitch whose opinion matters a lot because my body is the only one that gets really close to yours. Like, you're obviously going to be worried that I'm not into your body as much as you're clearly into mine."

"Geez, you don't have to put it like that, Ebi-chan. I'm not a pervert! I just… I really like my girlfriend, it's normal! Well… not that liking girls is."

Ai shrugged as she reached down to pet her fingers up and down over Rise's abdomen. They were on the tatami in the middle of their hotel room, the setting sun barely lighting up the walls, and Ai was still fully dressed whereas her girlfriend had fully disrobed, to give her the chance to examine her body at her leisure. It was a little weird, and she felt like a lab experiment, but she knew Ai had probably felt much the same when she was sniffing around her dick before. Fair was fair.

"I think it's pretty normal," Ai protested as her flawlessly-buffed fingernails teased through Rise's well-trimmed strip of pubic hair. Why was that not just hot, but somehow yet hotter because they were such delicate fingers?

"Mmhhh… well, I… I feel so guilty, still. Like we're sneaking around and doing something naughty."

Her lips quirked into another smirk. "Oh, we're definitely naughty. But sneaking around? It's kind of a social media blitz for you or whatever, so… either we're not doing that at all, or we are amazingly shitty at it."

"Shut up," she snorted, bopping Ai on the ear with her knee. It was the easiest thing to reach. "But um… I guess that's true."

"Everything's completely fine, girl," she told her in that extremely rare tone of gentleness that made Rise's heart pound double-time. "We're golden — it's Golden Week. Loosen up."

Snorting, she shot back, "I could have said that to you this morning." Ai rolled her eyes. "Y'know, when my finger was in y-"

"Yes, I get it, I get it." Her head tilted to one side, honey-hued locks pooling on the floor. "Did you like that?"

"Well… it was weird, and kinda gross at first. But!" she protested when Ai started to grimace. "I'd do it just to make you happy, even if it was horrible. And it wasn't, okay? I even…"

When Rise still hadn't finished that sentence after a few seconds, Ai wound up prompting her, "You even… liked it? Hated it? Give me something to go on here."

"No. It's too weird."

"Come on, it's just us. You gotta get used to trusting me sometime. Or don't, I guess."

"Are you… guilting me?"

"See? You already don't trust me." But when Rise pouted, she snorted and poked her in the tummy. "Just playing with you… but maybe also making a point. I know I'm kind of a bitch, but I'm trying to trust you despite almost outing me to the entire school. Can it start cutting both ways?"

Thoroughly chagrined, she whispered, "Well… that's not exactly what this is. But I get it. I'm just embarrassed and you know that, but I'll try to open up… if you do."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. So if I admit I thought it was pretty hot, watching you get all squirmy… will you admit that you liked me slipping a finger up there?"

Stalemate. Both of them were staring into each other's eyes, trying not to give ground. A perfect example that both of them were correct in their estimations of what areas they needed to work on. Eventually Ai took a breath and sighed, "Okay, okay, you're right. I just… it's almost like admitting weakness. Which is so dumb that I care, we should both be getting more comfortable with each other."

"Okay. Just this time, even though you didn't say it, I'll accept that as you admitting you liked it," Rise said in a slight sing-song. When her girlfriend pouted, she went on, "And I thought it was hot. Like, not the butt part exactly? But fingering you…" She could feel her cheeks heating up from having to put it into words.

"Yeah. I mean, I get that. Just because it's… where it is, doesn't mean you didn't fuck me right."

"EBI-CHAN!" she hissed in a scandalised tone.

"What? You did. I mean, now that we're being honest…" Ai still had to clear her throat, even if she was doing a better job of keeping an even tone of voice. "Your finger started hitting really deep — hit my spot, and it was all over. I've never, ever felt like that before. It was like my fingers and toes and nose and tits were all orgasming with me."

Rise had been gaping at her until the very end, when she let out a weak little laugh. "Nose and toes, huh? Wow. But I'm really happy I could help; I just wanted to make you feel good, and find out if that was one way we could do that."

"Definitely. Like, now that I'm past trying to pretend I don't need it." Ai squirmed a little. "Uhh…"

She sat up a little more, petting through her hair. And she leaned into the touch. Had she ever done that before? "Do you want me to do it again? Not right now!" she reassured her, and Ai relaxed a little. "But just, um, just in the future."

"I think so. Is that weird? You're my girlfriend, you shouldn't have to fuck me in the ass like a dude."

"Mm. Well, then I'll fuck you in the ass like a lady."

Ai giggled a little, crawling up to curl around her body. "I don't know exactly what that means, but I'm there. I'll offer you the same anytime you want."

"Oh, I think I'll be okay," she laughed easily. "I've never had any interest in that. Before! Before now. Wait — no, I still don't have any interest in having mine… d-do we really have to keep discussing this?"

"No," Ai told her with a slight smirk as she leaned in to kiss her cheek so tenderly that Rise briefly forgot that she was even nervous about the topic of conversation. "We could go back to talking about that phone call."

A brief pause. "So about my butt…"

"Come on, it can't have been that bad," she challenged her with a little snort. "You're just gonna keep being your fabulous self, and so will I, and Japan will join the fucking twenty-first century."

"Yeah, I just… talking about it… I'd rather focus on you, on us. On Okinawa! This is one of our last little flings — especially for you, senpai."

Clearly, that hint wasn't lost on her. She sighed and cuddled a little closer. "You're right. We should enjoy it while we can."

"Mmm, it feels like somebody already is."

"That's- it's an involuntary reaction! I was literally staring down the barrel of your pussy two seconds ago — anybody with one of these would have theirs sticking straight up, too!"

Voice the tiniest bit haughty, she said, "Well. I'm not going to assume anything, okay? I know you don't want me to… give you a little kiss down there… or caress with my fingers… or-"

"What a goddamn tease," she muttered.

"You love it." When Ai didn't answer, she grinned and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, pulling her in yet closer. They didn't really need any words anymore. As hard as it was to ignore that firm presence, given how unfamiliar Rise was with such things, she just tried to keep her focus on those sweet lips pressing against her own, on the warm back beneath her palms. On the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

That realisation bowled her over. Even though they had been trending in that direction, she had yet to truly think about their future together. Sure, they would have to list Ai as male in order to get a marriage certificate… or would they? Maybe they really shouldn't worry about it. Not being able to enjoy the same status as her straight friends would be frustrating, yes, but it wasn't the end of the world. As long as she could live with her lover and share their lives, that was good enough.

By the time they finally parted, Ai managed to breathe, "I want you so bad…"

Careful to keep her tone neutral, she whispered, "How?"

"Any way I can have you. I… shit, what the hell did you turn me into?"

"Then I'm all yours. You can… have my mouth again, if that's what you like. Or did you wanna go, um… go all the way?"

"I don't know!" she groused as she pulled at her hair. Not that this minor crisis was reducing her arousal any; it was still grinding into Rise's hip and driving her up a wall. "UGH! I want to be as close to you as I can, and that seems like the way, but I also don't want to be the 'boy', you know?"

Drawing her in for another brief kiss, she whispered, "You won't be. Not to me; you'll always just be Ai. My cute little Ebi-chan. I… do you want me to use my finger on you again? I'd love to! I wanna do anything that makes you happy!"

"I… kind of? But no, not right now. I want to make you happy this time."

"Oh." Rise felt another flush of shame, trying not to remember the very obvious fact that she didn't have a stitch of clothing on her person. "Well, um… I want what you want." Did she just give her permission?!

"Good. Then let me try, um… with my mouth. I'll probably suck, but hey, no time like the present to start practicing. Especially if I ever want to be able to do this right."

"Sure! Yeah, that's… that's the same thing I was thinking while doing it for you." With a slight squirm, she then lowered her voice to barely a whisper, "I'm just… I'm sorry if it tastes, or smells… you know…"

Ai lifted a hand to waft away such thoughts. "You'll be fine. It's you. I mean, even if you weren't the sweetest girl in the universe, you're still Risette; that label of yours wouldn't let you have some stanky puss."

Bright red. Like a stoplight. Even though Ai was saying hers wouldn't be so aromatic, the very idea of it meriting a word such as "stanky" made her want to take a bath with a toaster. "U-uhm… thanks?"

"Anytime, girl."

And that seemed to be all the warning she got before Ai was kissing her way down her chest toward a clear goal. This was it; she was finally going to get as good as she gave. Unless she thought of some legitimate reason to ask the teen queen to pull back… but her mind was a blank. All she could think about was those perfect lips dimpling the skin of her abdomen, the lusty gaze being shot up in her direction as she moved lower, and lower…

Lowest. She felt a kiss in her hairs and she couldn't entirely suppress an anxious squeak. Her eyes slid closed as one leg moved up to drape over her girlfriend's back, hoping that would somehow encourage her — prove that she was ready. Even if she wasn't.

"This alright?"

Oh no. Ai was calling her bluff; it was glaringly obvious how high her nerves were running. "Y-yeah… it's just really, um, new?"

"I get that."

Then Ai moved again, and Rise almost curled into a ball. "WOW! That's- you kissed my…"

There was a slight sheen on Ai's smirk when she raised up to look at her properly. "You are soaking fucking wet, Kujikawa. How bad have you been needing it?"

"I haven't been! Honestly, I'm- NNH, how are you doing this?!"

"Pretty easy," she shot back before leaving a long lick along the entirety of her vulnerable flesh. Rise reached down instinctively to grip the hair attached to that head that was giving her so much pleasure it was overloading her system. Did everybody experience this? Was she oversensitive, or was it normal to feel like every inch of her skin was on fire, like she was losing all control?

"God, this is getting me so hard," Ai breathed before diving back in. Which didn't help matters in the slightest; Rise already felt like she was losing her mind, and knowing her girlfriend was nearly as bad off only heightened her pleasure, making her want to roll over and rut on her face. Or…

Or go further. Ai wasn't ready, and she would respect that, but if just her lips and tongue were making her feel this phenomenal, what would it be like for them to really go for it? Uniting their bodies had to be just as good as taking care of each other in turn, if not better.

"NH!" she finally burst out when she felt the pleasure rising. "I'm… I'm about to- it's gonna happen!"

"Yeah?" Ai panted as she used her thumb to caress that tortured flesh, gazing up at her with glazed eyes. "That mean… should I finish you off?"

The volume at which the word "YES!" ripped from her throat left their ears ringing. Rise would feel embarrassed about that — later. When she had time. Right now, she was too busy literally dragging Ai's head back down to devour her anew, moaning as her hips rolled up into their point of union. A little more — and the way her tongue was hitting her clit was spurring her on faster, making it-

Ai brought her to the hardest climax she had ever experienced. Feeling this one made her realise she had been only getting close to a real orgasm all those years since she first began to awaken sexually; a real orgasm blew those pretenders to the throne out of the water so easily. Guess that was what she got for never truly masturbating, or finding anybody who could take care of it for her.

Once the most intense of those sensations began to fade, Rise started coming back to her senses. A few things surprised her: she felt the tatami suddenly pressing into her back, because she had lifted herself upward. Ai's shirt moved when she started pulling her leg back, because her toes had clenched so hard in the fabric. The same was true of her hair — which she let go of first, feeling a few strands come away with her fingers with a little flare of guilt that she hadn't been gentler. Her mind had literally gone somewhere else while the ecstasy overwhelmed. It was almost scary, but mostly just… damn.

"Whoa," Ai breathed simply. The whole experience had left both of them speechless. After swallowing and clearing her throat, she licked her lips before wiping them on the back of her hand and crawling up to hover above her girlfriend. "You okay?"

"Hmnah!" was the best she could do. Ai giggled, so she tried to do better this time. "Yeah!"

Grinning, she pressed her face into Rise's neck. "Yeah. I can handle that review, I guess. Still wanna know if I did anything stupid, though; like, this was my first attempt, I can't have been perfect."

"Oh… you… close to… heaven." She hadn't meant to say 'heaven', it just slipped out.

"Really? Well… good, that's good." Ai was kissing her neck a little more firmly, more frequently. It suddenly occurred to Rise that she could feel that bulge digging into her hip; poor Ai hadn't gotten off since that morning, even if she did get there twice.

"You… want help?"

"Huh? Oh, naw, I can ignore it. Don't even trip."

"But you… I wanna… I like your friend." She took a couple of breaths, finally beginning to fully recover. "What can I call her?"

"Annoying," she snorted, and Rise rolled her eyes while she grinned into her hair. "Bitch that won't leave the party."

Nodding, she kissed into her scalp and earned herself a little sigh of appreciation in return. "I like her. That doesn't mean you have to, or like… that you have to keep her or like her for my sake. But just so you know, we get along pretty well. I mean, for a girl and an, um, appendage."

"Dork. But thanks. And it makes me mad that we have to have this conversation… but I appreciate that you get it. That you can really, uh, want my D without forgetting that I don't want it at all."

"Yeah, of course. I might have been dumb when we first started out but I learn fast."

"You do," she agreed with a little squeeze. Rise wrapped her arms more tightly around her girlfriend, appreciating their warmth, their connection. "It's honestly refreshing. Like, I got so much hate when I came out… even from my own family. I had started to believe it was impossible to expect people to get me. Then here comes this prissy famous bitch."

Rise smacked her on the arm, which only earned a harsh chuckle. "Who's the bitch here, really?" But then she moved her hand down to her bulge. "Let me take care of this. Like, it doesn't have to be anything special, or… not unless you want more."

"Mmhh… annoying." But Ai looked away, biting her lower lip. Again, Rise questioned why she found watching that to be so hot but she tried to relegate that question to the back of her mind for the time being.

"What is it?"

"Your mouth is so good… fuck, I'm sorry. Like, that's a lot to ask, twice in one d-"

"You got it." When Ai just blinked at her, she shrugged bashfully. "I'd do that. I'd use my finger again, I'll give you whatever you want. As long as you're okay with me figuring out how to do it as I go, I don't mind! It's nice that we can help each other out."

Though it took her a second, she started to nod with a slight smile. "It is really nice. Weird, but like, I guess it's not since we're dating."

"Yeah," Rise giggled. "We're just not used to dating, right?"

"Mm. You're sure I didn't mess up while muff diving?"

"While WHAT?! Excuse me? You can't call it that!"

Smirking a little as she sat up and started to disrobe, she purred, "I can call it whatever I want, Risette. Now perform for me. Maybe I'll just jerk off onto your butt."

"NO! Ew, why would you do that when I- that's gonna be all sticky, we'd have to take another bath!"

"So what? The last one turned out to be a real event…"

"Yeah, for you! And you were definitely writhing and squealing all over the place!"

"Y-yeah, well, that was your fault!" she shot back as that ready-and-willing cock bounced out into the open air. "Maybe I'll take you up on your mouth just so you can't say mean things to me."

Rise pursed her lips for a moment before saying, "Maybe I won't be as careful with my teeth this time."

"Hey, don't joke like that," Ai said with a shiver. "I might not want to keep her but that is NOT how I wanna lose her."

"Then behave," she purred as she crawled toward her lap, rubbing her cheek against the warm length. "And I'll behave exactly the way you want."

Ai complied. She complied for the following ten minutes, and got exactly what the doctor ordered — because the alluring Nurse Rise was tending her every need. Five star service.

                                               To Be Continued…

[deans-baby-momma]

Rebel Without A Cause- Ch 17

A/N: NSFW chapter will be added to this DOCUMENT.

It was an extraordinary feeling being backstage during a Winchester Sex Bombs concert. It was only the manager, Crowley, a girl named Rayne who had been introduced as Sam’s girlfriend, and Maggie. There were no others in the room. A vast difference from the last time she had been there waiting for Dean to get finished performing. Back then, she had wondered if Dean would remember her and turn her away, choosing to hook up with one of the other women who had been in the room. Maggie never imagined that Dean had recognized her in the dimly lit bar and had wanted to find out if it was actually her; that he had often wondered what had happened to her after he and Lisa broke up. And she never, in her wildest dreams, would have thought she would end up in his bed that night. However, the childhood crush she'd had on her sister's lover had been mutual.  Dean just had never acted on it because well, he was with Lisa and Maggie was extremely underage at that time. But now, seven years later, that childhood crush has turned into something more, something serious. 

And to think, it all began after Maggie published an insulting and unfavorable article, causing Dean to seek her out. 

FLASHBACK 

“Let me be the first one to say though that you have no problems in that area. I was completely and utterly satisfied and fulfilled. You sure know what you’re doing in that department,” Maggie mutters as she feels a blush bloom on her cheeks. 

Dean tries to hide the grin that is threatening to take over his face. Maggie had actually been fulfilled, pleased even, with him. It was literally the first time he had heard that from someone he cared about. Sure those random hookups always thanked him for sex, but this time the words meant something to him; they were gratifying.

"Baby," Dean says laying a hand over Maggie's on the table. "That means more to me than you know."

After they finished eating, Maggie had invited Dean back to her place for a nightcap, where once again he got a chance to find out just how good at pleasuring a female he was.

Dean wasn't going to question how he got here as he pulled the shirt over Maggie's head,  exposing her bra-clad breasts. He wasn't going to wonder what deal he had made in another lifetime as he took those breasts into his hands but he sure was going to thank his lucky fucking stars when he once again got to sink into her hot, wet heat sans condom.

This time he had been prepared. Well, not that he had planned to be making love to Maggie; no, but he went in knowing how tight her body was and how much work it would take to get in. This time he wasn't going to explode only a few minutes later. 

Dean had gladly agreed to accompany Maggie back to her place for an after-dinner drink with the intention of inviting her to another concert and to meet his friends and bandmates. He knew she might be aggrieved to be in the same room as Benny, but he was going to try. 

They were sitting on her sofa when he decided to bring it up, Maggie sitting cross-legged. He turned and looked at her, causing her to sit her drink down and turn to him. 

"Mags," he began. "I know the last time didn't really end well and it’s totally my fault for not locking the door. But I was wondering if you'd be willing to, uh..ahem...come to another one of my gigs as my special guest. Meet the other members of the band." He nervously broached the subject, already mentally anticipating her refusal. "You remember Sammy, my little brother, right? He ain't so little anymore. And my best friend Cas. He came by your home with me a couple of times I believe." Dean knew he was rambling but he was trying to delay the inevitable rejection.

Only instead of declining the invitation, Maggie had surprised him with her own query. "And in exactly what capacity would I be in? To be your "special guest"?" She has asked, using her fingers to make air quotes.

Dean ran a hand across the back of his neck. Why was he feeling so shy and bashful around her? He was so confident and certain of himself on stage but in the company of this girl he was meek and timid, demure even. "Um. Well, Rayne is Sammy's girlfriend and she comes to all the shows. Sits backstage and waits while we perform. You could do that, maybe? I think you and her would hit it off."

"So-" Maggie started, unfolding her legs and throwing one over his lap, her hands on his shoulders. "-how would you introduce me to your friends?"

Dean hesitantly placed his hands on her hips. "What do you want me to introduce you as?" He tightens his grip on her and pulls her down onto his growing erection. He can already feel the heat from her core through the clothes on both their bodies. 

Maggie can't help but grind on his lap. His denim-covered dick pressed right against her clit and she could already feel herself getting wet. She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into his ear, whispering. "Well, if we fucked again I guess you'd call me your girlfriend."

That was all it took. She pulled back to look at him and Dean crashed his lips onto hers. He tightened his grip and pulled her down onto his throbbing boner and began helping her writhe on him. Maggie’s arms clung firmly to him as she jerked back and forth, the friction in her panties boosting her arousal. “Dean, I want you,” she whispered against his lips.

In a flurry of movement, Maggie was off his lap and discarding her clothing as fast as he was. He hadn’t even got his jeans and boxers past his knees before she was back in his lap, her soft but drenched petals brushing against his hardness. “Fuck, Mags. I’ve wanted to do this again ever since the last time,” he whispered as he watched her movements. “You’ve got the best pussy ever.”

“You’re definitely the biggest I’ve ever had,” she said as his tip nudged her clit and she shuddered. “I felt you for days afterward.”

Dean groaned at her admission and the sensation of her dampness coating his dick. After a few minutes of just grinding against one another, Maggie lifted herself to allow Dean to grab his cock and guide it to her entrance. “Are you sure you can take me without preparation, baby?” he asked as he notched his tip at her entrance. “It’s been a while since we…” he didn’t finish his sentence because the thought of her with someone else made its way into his head and it fucking pissed him the hell off. He didn’t want to think of his sweet Maggie with anyone but him.

“Dean, I want to feel it. I want to feel every inch of you inside me. I can handle it, I promise.” And with those words she slowly began sinking down onto him.

Dean couldn’t help but throw his head back, eyes closed as he was enveloped by her tight cavern. It felt even tighter than last time and he guessed that was  understandable. The last time he had eaten her out and fingered her open, this time none of that happened.  “Oh fuck, baby! You are so fucking tight. Ride my dick, Mags,” he said as he adapted to the pleasure. 

Maggie began bouncing on his length with a random grinding motion thrown in. It was driving them both crazy. She could feel the coil in her abdomen constricting and knew she was going to soak his dick with her orgasm. “Dean, talk dirty to me. Tell me how it feels.”

At first, Dean didn’t hear her request; too enamored with the woman riding his cock with her tits bouncing in his face. Once her words registered, he licked his lips and cleared his throat. He could do this. He could tell her whatever she wanted to hear.

“You wanna hear about how good that pussy feels sliding up and down my dick? How I can feel how tight you are and that I can tell you’re about to explode? I want to feel it, Maggie. I want you to cum all over my dick, let me feel it dripping down to my balls. Fuck Maggie, you feel good. God, baby. This is the only pussy I ever want.”

The deep timbre of his voice and his words were all it took before she felt that coil snap and she was cumming, doing just as he asked. “Yes. Yes. Yes!” Maggie chanted as she bounced vigorously on him. “Oh fuck, Dean.”

Dean pulled her body to his and kissed her languidly before pulling away and looking into her eyes. “Wanna do you from behind.” 

Maggie nodded and climbed off of Dean, positioning herself on the end of the couch with her elbows on the arm of the furniture and her knees on the cushion. Dean stood up, pulled the rest of his clothes off and climbed in behind her, looking at the beautiful vision before him. The skin on her thighs and ass were blemish-free and smooth. For just a second Dean remembered the girl he had shared with Leo and how she had enjoyed being spanked. For Maggie though, Dean couldn't even fathom the thought of marring her perfect complexion. He leisurely ran a palm down her asscheek, his pinkie breaching her crack. Maggie looked over her shoulder at him and said, “No backdoor!’

Dean smiled and responded, “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he chuckled slamming into her.

Maggie threw her head back in ecstasy. From this angle, it felt as if he went even deeper. She reveled in the pleasured pain of it. His thrusts were meticulous and exact, hitting her g-spot with every push and pull. She could already feel another orgasm brewing and bent down to bite the fabric on the sofa. Her legs began shaking and she was afraid she was going to fall but she was determined to power through it. 

Another half-hour though and she couldn’t take anymore. She dropped to the sofa and he followed, never severing the connection. Grabbing her hips tightly he set an aggressive pace, ramming into her, chasing is own impending end. Dean felt his balls clench and before he knew it, he was filling Maggie up again with his seed. 

When he was sure the last drop was done, he collapsed on top of her for a second, kissing her shoulder and neck. “Baby, that was beyond wonderful.”

Maggie smiled and hummed in affirmation before Dean rolled off of her and grabbed his boxers to clean himself off. He also used his tee to help her clean up then wadded the material in his hand. 

“So does that mean you’re my girlfriend now?” he asked with a smirk.

END FLASHBACK

Now here she is, backstage at another concert, waiting for her newfound boyfriend to finish his performance and come back to her, not out there picking women from the crowds to screw around with, a tremendous turn of events. 

Maggie tenses when Rayne speaks up, “So you’re Dean’s girlfriend? Wow, never thought he would settle down with just one girl.”

@pink1031​ @spnbaby-67​ @winecatsandpizza​ @joseyrw​ @kricketc28​ @tftumblin​ @markofdean79​ @sandlee44​ @michellethetvaddict​ @lyarr24​ @travelingriversideblues-x​

[breadcaaat]

part two

Jeongguk x hybrid!Reader

| part one | part two | part three | part four | part five

Words: 4.2k

Warnings: bad language, blood, drowning, nudity, jk falls out of bed

When Jeongguk gets home the first thing he does is cry in the shower, which is a pretty reasonable course of action given the two brutal murders he just witnessed - murders that had splattered blood all over his clothes without his realizing.

He’d only noticed when he got home and saw himself in the mirror. His hoodie and sweatpants were unsalvageable and he’d thrown them straight onto the floor to be trashed later. He could only hope no one had called the cops on him as he walked home. I must’ve looked like the actual murderer, he mused, and it prompted some harsh scrubbing. He wanted to be clean. He wanted to forget everything he’d seen tonight.

And he wanted a fresh bowl of ramen, damn it. He hopped out of the shower and dried off, then put some water to boil.

While waiting for that to finish, he picked his clothes up and emptied the pockets. Wallet, check. Phone, check. Collar, also check. He’d snatched it in his escape from the restaurant on some unexplainable impulse, but now he didn’t know what to do with it. He chucked it on the table, deciding to deal with it later. Rubbing his arms and puffing some hot air into his hands, he realized just how cold it was in his apartment with no clothes on.

The heating was down in his apartment again. He cursed, smacking at the wall next to the thermostat. His hair was still wet and he’d hoped he could just air-dry it, but with no heat he’d have to break out the blow-drier and the extra throw blankets to avoid a cold. Couldn’t he just have an easy night? Just once? He almost cried again just from frustration.

With an extra pair of socks, a clean hoodie, and a belly full of ramen, Jeongguk fell asleep fitfully, and cold.

Rise and grind! Let’s get it! Pop that pussy, my guy! Rise and grind! Let’s get it! Pop that pussy, my -

A head of bed hair puffs out from under the covers, all disgruntled and squinty-eyed. Four hours of sleep. He whimpers something along the lines of “not enough” before fumbling about the sheets for his phone.

- Let’s get it! Rise and -

He stabs at the screen until his alarm turns off, then dumps himself back into the comforter. His best friend - Hoseok - was a die-hard morning person and had recorded that alarm for him after Jeongguk professed to other alarm tones being too boring and not super effective.

Wait - Hoseok. Hoseok.

His best friend was an investigator!

He’d have to talk to him later - but first, work. He blew a handful of won last night on ramen that’s probably still sitting where he left it at the crime scene, bloated and mushy.

“Rise and grind,” he muttered to himself, and then fell out of bed when his foot got caught in the sheets.

The first thing Yeongho says when he sees him is “You look like you didn’t sleep at all last night,” to which Jeongguk doesn’t register he should reply because he didn’t get any sleep at all last night. His boss - Mr. Gim Yeongho, a man in his early fifties with bready cheeks and happy little crow’s feet - is in the midst of manning both the kitchen and the bakery with the aid of his daughter, Miyun. Running back and forth keeps them busy while the wife - a quirky, snappy little woman named Sungyun - takes orders and manages everything else. Busy little bees. Jeongguk’s the delivery boy for this little breakfast place, and he likes it. It may not be super lucrative but his bosses are like second parents, and the pay is better than a fast-food place.

“I,” he started a few seconds too late “ - yeah, I didn’t get much last night. The neighbors were, uh, loud.”

Yeongho wiggled his eyebrows, then guffawed. “Loud?”

Jeongguk blushed and whined a little, and Miyun giggled from where she was manning one of the stainless steel tables, chopping something. “You left that door wide open,” she whispered at him as he walked past, and he mustered up a small - albeit reluctant - smile.

Meandering his way into the break room and clocking in with all the enthusiasm of a zombie, he went to scoop up the keys to the little company scooter only - shoot, someone misplaced them. They weren’t on the rack. Maybe the dude on shift yesterday tossed them somewhere. Wouldn’t be the first time, he thought to himself.

Jeongguk heaved a sigh. Placing the keys on the counter, he leaned down to pull his uniform vest and cap out of the cabinet. It was only as he was putting on that cap that he made eye contact with the very keys he’d been looking for - holding, goddammit.

Lord, he was out of it. He could tell today was going to be difficult; already he was unable to focus and socialize and that’s bad business for a delivery boy. Also “ - extremely unsafe! Kid, d’you hear me?”

He was barely able to say sorry for spacing before Sungyun bapped him over the head with a rolled-up newspaper, knocking his cap askew and toppling him out of his squat and onto his bum. He yelped and she cackled a little. “Aigoo! You’re so cute, like a baby.”

“Why’d you hit me?”

She snaps back from gushing and cracks him over the head with the papers again. He winced. Getting hit with that pot yesterday must’ve left quite the shiner on his skull, but he couldn’t tell her that or she’d fuss over him more than she was about to. “You’re practically still asleep! You expect me to let you out on the roads like that?” She mumbled something about boys being insane then, and then crouched down and patted at his face. “Aish, did you even wash your face this morning? This kid must be stupid, no wonder he’s tired!”

He tried gently batting her insistent, fussy hands away, but this just instigated a comical little hand fight that ended with him taking another newspaper swat to the head.

She stood up - spry as ever - then with a huff stomped out. “Wash your face before you go! Or you’re walking those deliveries!”

Yeongho ducked around the corner a few moments later, guffawing again when he saw the fresh crime scene, Jeongguk the unwitting and frazzled victim. “She getcha?” he asked, and Jeongguk belted a soy sauce packet at him half-heartedly. He disappeared back into the kitchen, still laughing. Music started up somewhere in the building.

With the first round of customers’ breakfasts and bevvies stored safely onto his little company motorbike, he waved goodbye to Sungyun (who’d force-fed him a too-big breakfast and a whole 12 oz black coffee) and set off.

His first customers were a construction crew. He wasn’t quite sure what the project was, only that it was relatively small since they were usually only six to nine in number most days. Tired, crass, and playful, they greeted him like a messenger from god here to split the bread and multiply the fish - or whatever that one story in the Bible was.

The eldest in the crew could be a problem at times, but not because he was mean or anything. Just a talker that talks slowly, ready to teach Jeongguk some life lessons and Practical Man Skills like construction or how to win a proper fist fight. Then he’d reminisce on the first hand fight he’d ever been in, and the last, and some in between, and the talking would go on. He’d honestly love to sit with the man on a porch one day and just listen to him dispense wisdom, but other people needed breakfast.

Those other people - or, the next at least - were the math department of a local high school. They were all pretty drowsy, and not as familiar with him as the construction crew, so that trip was quicker. They pitched in to give him a nice tip, which was nice. Must’ve had some sympathy for how young and poor he looked (oof) as teachers and all that.

Throughout all this, he frustrated himself trying to reign in his wandering, unfocused thoughts. Films rolls of last night replayed in his mind’s eye over and over, dissected and analyzed. He arrived at too few answers and too many questions. Felt like he was running in circles. That, and all the literal running was taking a toll on him; he hadn’t had more than two hours of sleep last night so his energy level was a pitiful fraction of what it'd usually be.

His next stop was always the most intimidating, but only because the area was pretty well-to-do.

As in, rich. Not Gangnam-level rich, but… well-to-do.

Hm.

At least the nervousness the building gave him helped distract him from himself.

Skidding to a stop in the parking lot of KJ Plastic Surgery Center, he popped off his helmet and skittered inside. One of the surgeons here - a Miss Noh Hana - had been a regular as long as he could remember working at the place. He even had her order memorized.

The receptionist recognized him and simply waved him along with a small smile. Giving the man a hurried little bow, Jeongguk made the short journey to Mrs. Noh’s office: room 2C, second floor.

Standing outside her door, he took a little breath. This woman made him nervous. She had this sort of mature, porcelain elegance about her that made one feel either poor or unintelligent. Or both. Jeongguk figured it was forgivable since she didn’t seem to create that effect intentionally. Just another pretty middle-aged woman that made young men nervous. He knocked.

There was a brief shuffling of paper and the sound of someone shifting in their seat. “Come in.”

He peeked in, and a smile peeked back from Miss Noh. “Jeongguk! Good morning.”

A quick bow, a small grin. “Good morning Miss Noh. I have your breakfast.”

“Hope so. I’m starving.” She cleared a little space on her desk as he walked over, plastic bag crinkling and tea in hand. Lemon, no honey or sugar. She liked bitter and salty things. “How has your morning been so far?”

“Traffic is light and I think it’ll only start to rain after my shift.”

“So pretty good.”

“Pretty good, yeah.” He grinned a little.

“Has anyone ever told you that you look like a rabbit when you smile? It’s adorable.” She cracked the cap to her tea and took a deep breath of the steam that rolled out. “Oh, this will wake me up,” she murmured. Pulling out her wallet she politely asked how much, then passed it over. He thanked her, bowed, and then went to walk out.

“Ah, wait Jeongguk.” She stopped him and he turned around, eyes wide.

“Yes, Miss Noh?”

“Come here,” she waved him over with a slim hand, and he shuffled back over, curious. “Here,” she said softly, taking his hand in her own and wrapping his fingers around a very generous tip. He blinked up at her, surprised. “Miss Noh?”

“You look tired. You must have a night job, yes? So you’re working hard, but money is hard to come by.” She let go of his hand then, returning her gaze back to her paperwork to shuffle it around. She seemed shy all of a sudden. “That’s all. Have a good day Jeongguk.”

He smiled, bowed again. “You too, Miss Noh. Thank you!”

Jeongguk exited the building with a smile on his face, last night’s traumas temporarily forgotten. This wad of won nearly doubled what he’d earn today, and that’s enough to put a smile on anyone’s face.

By eleven, his shift at Gim’s Breakfast Delivery was over, and it was time to head to his second part-time. He hugged Sungyun goodbye - she was still scolding and fussing over him - and then turned in his uniform and clocked out.

This next place was a moving company. A lot of physical activity he didn’t have the energy or focus for, but he pushed through since this boss wasn’t as lax on him as the Gim family was. Losing this job was very possible if he wasn’t fast enough or spaced out and broke something. It didn’t help that he hadn’t had any time for lunch. That shift ended after what seemed like an eternity. It was dark now, but he had a night shift.

This place was closest to home, and probably the last place he wanted anyone he knew to find him. The convenience store. He’d be here until about two in the morning, when the next clerk would take over and set him home free. Until then, he was stuck listening to the outdated pop tunes buzzing from somewhere and pacing until he found something to do.

First thing he did was make himself some ramen. Someone came in while he was eating that just to buy some condoms and an energy drink. He didn’t even bother talking to him, just rang his stuff up. The dude seemed embarrassed anyway. A couple of minutes later he finished. Contemplated making another ramen bowl. Made another.

After some pacing, he found himself scribbling on some receipt paper. He thought back to the tiger girl. Now that he was forced to stand in one place with no sort of physical activity to distract him, he couldn’t help it. He’d really had no time to digest last night with how busy he’d been from the moment he’d woken up.

He wondered where she went. If the police found her. How the investigation was going. Briefly, if Hoseok was on the case - but, no, not his department. Jeongguk didn’t know much about how stuff like this worked, but he knew that Hoseok didn’t investigate homicides. He figured he should talk to him, and soon. Would he get busted for inhibiting police investigations if he didn’t turn himself in as a subject? He’d have to pose the hypothetical to Hobi.

Crumpling up the receipt paper, he turned and looked out the window.

Two hours left.

Jeongguk was gonna pass out standing up, he was sure. Walking home was hell. He was tempted to cuddle up with the hobos in their sleeping bags and on their park benches. Stumbling on, he kept himself going with murmurs of Just eight more blocks. One step after another. Your bed’s at home.

He paused at a familiar footbridge and peered out over the black water. God - everything was so dark. It smelled fresher here by the river, though, and he pulled in a deep breath of it. It helped clear his head a bit.

I can stop and breath for a bit. He rolled his head back to the sky. Tomorrow he had another morning shift, which was gonna be rough. No shift at the moving company, though. That’s good. He could nap in the afternoon… Needed groceries…

He swayed a little; dazed, exhausted, overthinking. The only thing keeping him standing were his locked knees and weak sense of balance.

A motorcycle roared down the street behind him and whipped past. Jeongguk slipped, startled.

He crashed into the water, knocked unconscious.

The motorcycle roared away.

Stripes saw the boy slip and heard him crash, and she was running to leap off the bridge before she could second-guess her actions. The air whipped past and the water swallowed her, lightless and bottomless. And cold.

It snatched the breath from her lungs. She fought her way to the surface to fill them and - it was colder above the water than beneath.

Heaving as deep an inhale as she could, she dove back under.

He’s sinking so fast. Faintly, she could see the ghostly outlines of his fingers, the little worms of his hoodie strings. Closed eyes. Jumping, spasming diaphragm.

Her ears popped, and she caught up to him. Hooking her arms around his waist - why is he so tiny? Does he eat enough? - she hauled him up to the surface. It was the longest ascent she can ever remember swimming. Breaking through the surface felt like birth.

She noticed with a fleeting panic that he wasn’t heaving in breaths like she was. His chest was still.

They emerged from the water soggy, shivering, and stumbling. Her grip slipped and he fell into the mud.

It’s so quiet out.

Whimpering nervously, she tried to remember what it is you do with a drowning victim. Empty their lungs, right? How? Burp them like a baby?

Not too bad of an idea, right?

Rolling him into a sitting position, she tilted him forward and started hitting his back, careful not to break anything. The ease with which she could snap a spine on accident was terrifying. His chest jerked. One slap, two, three.

She lost hope at six, and it was the seventh one that had him coughing up all the river grime he’d swallowed. It came out of his mouth in pathetic heaves and spluttered coughs, and she went a little gentler with the baby-burping method now that he was unplugged. She chuffed in a lame attempt at comfort.

They sat there for a couple of minutes, her hand tracing his spine with the aiding pat here and there. Jeongguk dazed and confused. He didn’t even remember being the water.

“Are you - “ her voice croaked, not often used “ - are you okay?”

He lurched to the side and retched. That’s a no. She rubbed his spine again, not really knowing what to do.

“Water,” he slurred. “Want water…”

We’ve had enough of that for now, Stripes thought dryly. “I’m going to pick you up.” It wasn’t a question. She was going to pick him up and take him home. She just had to cross her fingers and hope she remembered the way.

“What?” It sounded like his mouth was waterlogged.

She didn’t answer, just picked him up in a fireman’s carry. He moaned a complaint but had no strength to fight it. Stop fussing, she thought. Her tail twitched.

Climbing the concrete riverbank was hell, and stumbling over the lip of it felt like yet another birth. Nothing I wouldn’t do for a bed right now. Or dry hair. Or clean ears.

They tramped home - what an odd couple - and she listed off other things she’d kill for in her mind to keep her from dumping this moaning, sleepy cub back into the river. Warm food. Meat. Red meat! Fish too. I’d love some red snapper. Or king salmon. A shower. A bath! Better if that’s warm too.

The sopping wet duo entered his apartment building and tramped over to the elevator. He was starting to get heavy after five blocks. She needed to dump him somewhere and be done with it all.

She used his outstretched foot to press the up button. It took a couple of minutes. She fidgeted a little. Her tail swished lethargically, and her waterlogged ears twitched. She could hear the tortoise of an elevator rumbling slowly down the shaft, like an old man taking the steps one at a time.

I need to get my ears dry, she thought. One of them had that uncomfortable water bubble going on in it, and it was bothersome. She tried to shake her head like a dog as she usually would, but this made Jeongguk slip and shift around and he moaned petulantly at that. Her ears flattened back with a huff.

“You should walk on your own,” she mumbled.

Jeongguk drooled.

The elevator pinged open to reveal one very surprised passenger, whose eyes widened at the sight of them. Scrawny thing. Smells like cheap soju.

Stripes growled and swished her tail. He skittered out like a spooked lizard.

Thankfully, Jeongguk hadn’t lost his key lanyard in the river. She was able to fish it out of his hoodie and stomp into his dingy little apartment, which was barely warmer than outside. No wonder he’s so skinny. He can’t even afford heating. She dropped him on the couch with a thump and another moan that earned him a tail-swat to the bicep.

Stripes surveyed the room for a second, the chatter of her teeth audible. Without heating, they couldn’t just crash and sleep the chill off until the morning - she needed to warm them both up. A bath would be best.

There was only one room separate from the rest of the apartment, so she figured that was the bathroom. In it, there enough room for about one person to operate - they’d have to squeeze around each other to both use this place. However, this could work out - there was an ancient, crusty shower head and a poorly plastered bathtub, but a tub nonetheless. She set it to fill with lukewarm water.

Next, clothes. They both needed new clothes. Her especially. She’d been wearing the same sweat and hoodie set from her dog friend for two weeks now. His scent was no longer on it. Now it just stunk. She pried it off and tossed it straight past the hamper and into the trash can with a sad little sniff.

It hit the wall with a splat and slid in. The sound almost made her snort.

Ducking her head into the bathroom, she judged it to be about half full. That’s enough, right? “Should be,” she mumbled.

Glancing over at Jeongguk, she saw he was out like a light. “Hey,” she croaked. I haven’t used my voice in a while. My throat hurts.

He didn’t stir.

If you’re dead after my hauling you this far, I’ll kill you again. She hauled him off the couch with a growl.

This woke him up, at least a little. “M’tired,” he mumbled, pawing his hood up and pulling at the strings until only his nose peeked out. “Lemme stay…”

“No. Strip. Take a bath.”

“No…” he rolled onto his other side like a child refusing to wake up for school.

She half-sighed, half-growled, tail swishing. She needed to keep him from getting hypothermia before she could take her own bath. Why wasn’t he more cooperative? If he were more alive, she’d beat some sense into him.

Hooking her hands into his belt, she dragged him into the bathroom and heaved him into the tub.

That woke him up. He startled and water sloshed out in heavy plops at his very delayed survival response. Why didn’t you react like this in the river, you shit! Gah!

He clawed his hoodie open, looking her in the eyes for the very first time since the restaurant. They widened incrementally. “Stripes?”

Her ear twitched. “That’s me. Who’re you?”

“…J-Jeongguk. I…”

“Hm?”

“Why are you…naked?”

She glanced down at herself, unabashed, and uttered a small “Ah.” Jeongguk could feel his ears and face burning.

“You get warm, then it’s my turn. I’m borrowing your clothes.”

“What—?”

He didn’t get to finish; she was already out of the bathroom. Faintly, he heard her ruffling around his dresser and sighed. No stopping her. Well, the water did feel nice, even if it was spilling over and making a mess - oh shit fuck -

Finally, he was settled. She could tell he was trying to stay awake to keep an eye on her, but failing miserably. His eyes kept shutting and his head bobbing unwittingly, but she left him to it. He’d fall asleep soon. She needed a bath, anyway.

Speaking of which.

She bit her lip in excitement, butt almost wiggling at the sight of the rolling steam. She hadn’t had a bath in two years. The last time she’d even showered had been a week ago, and bitterly cold. There were so many soaps in there too! Well, like, four bottles of stuff, but still! If this is what Jeongguk used to smell so yummy, she was looking forward to doing the same.

She dipped a toe in, and then everything all at once. A soft sigh escaped her in the midst of sloshing water. She wiggled her toes, skin prickling and tingling. It’s as good as I remember it being. I want to take a bath every week. Every day! Does that make me a beast of comfort? God that feels good…

The purr that rumbled out of her wasn’t something she was familiar with, and she soaked for a minute to revel in the vibrations. The last time she’d made this sound was when one of the cagedoggers had given her a duvet for her birthday. She sorta missed that duvet. It had been trashed. The down was clumped and the quilting was wearing thin. But it’d been warm. She’d had to leave it behind after this last trade, and could still feel the ache of being forced to part with something so loyal and sentimental.

In the present, Stripes washed her hair for the first time in a year. She eased the mats out of her fur, scrubbed the dirt and the blood and the grime off her skin. The water steamed and cleared her nose. For the first time in awhile, she didn’t have to keep an eye on her back.

The knots in her muscles eased, just a bit. It was a start.

A/N: sorry for taking so long, IB has its foot up my asshole rn.

Tag List: @feed-my-geek-soul @astronomyturtle

[kidellis-blog]

WHO the Fuck am I? WHAT the Fuck am I Doing? WHY?

I AM a grocery cashier about to break into my early 30s, working and living in Boise, Idaho. Certain people there may be able to pick up on who, exactly, the fuck I am through that or/and other Crucial Context Clues. To anybody else who happens to read this, think of me as a conduit for persistent genderless rage.

I AM DOING blog. More specifically, I'm writing this to you, the Tumblrer, in an unparalleled time of turmoil for the American people - but particularly for the people of Boise. Classic GOP austerity has largely prevailed, stagnating wages, and ironically - or not, depending on what you make of it - ushering in a new population boom and subsequent revival of “Californiacation” (read: gentrification, dreaming) with it. In the past 5 years, the population of Boise's main metro area, Ada County (Boise County is due north), has increased by some number around 37,000 people - with the greatest increase seen in just the past 2 of the 5. I can tell you from lived experience that the average floor on studio apartment rates has shot from $500/month to $900. The minimum wage in Idaho is lawfully conformed to the federal rate. In 2016, the State Capitol passed a bill "TO PROHIBIT POLITICAL SUBDIVISIONS" of Idaho (e.g., cities, towns, school districts) "FROM ESTABLISHING MINIMUM WAGES HIGHER THAN THE MINIMUM WAGES PROVIDED." More lately, Idaho State Senator Jim Rice has warned that "it's poor economic policy to do minimum wages" because "it's a form of price control." How could we let our lawmakers down, doing minimum wages all willy-nilly, raising them to any cent above $7.25, anywhere in the Gem State of Idaho? Anyway, it's been great. It's been so fucking great.

You see, I've been sitting in my chair for an hour drafting a single paragraph of a tumblr post about where I'm coming from, and I haven't even gotten into the shit that's been happening around me *this fucking week.* It is the midnight hour, MST, of the 18th of March of 2020. Unparalleled turmoil, motherfucker.

This is how I lead to the answer of WHY. I used to be tired and bored. In succession, I wove Chapo Trap House (ay) into my regular rotation of knitting podcasts. I grew through enough of my own bullshit to conjecture that any time I was able to spend on political activism in physical space that I wasn't spending was being wasted. I became active in Bernie Sanders' campaign for President. I started phonebanking, and began canvassing doors in my area as soon as I possibly could. I met dozens of volunteers working for a united vision. They coordinated with other local activists, such as the local Sunrise Movement, to organize a rally that drew well over a thousand participants from the Capitol through the streets of downtown, all in enthusiastic support of Senator Sanders and his economic tack. I was filled with glee to be spreading the vision into the corners of a state that caucused for Sanders at a rate of 78% in 2016 - an overwhelming majority that was present at the largest caucus in U.S. history, Ada County's own, through which I personally slogged.

Then February ended, and March came in like the 3rd or 4th Horseman of the Apocalypse. Bernie Sander's steam through the earliest primaries came to a halt around Joe Fucking Biden.  First Cup O' Joe took South Carolina. Then, he took Massachusetts, Minnesota, Texas, and Virginia. Finally, on March 10, he claimed crushing victories in Michigan, Mississippi, and - narrowest yet most crushing of all for me and some 45,000 others who cast their vote for Bernie here - Idaho. In the bitter end, I learned that physical organizing efforts in this country don’t hold as much sway as we hope to believe, and Idaho doesn't actually like Bernie *that* much - they just hate Hillary that much. Also, March is a Big Month for M's. Get it? I want to die.

Point is, I was tired and bored. Through the 2020 Democratic Primary, I quickly become tired and angry.

A week has passed since then and holy shit. Fuck. Goddammit. No. What? How? Is the fabric of American society actually disintegrating in front of our eyes right now? What's the longest week you can remember? What the fuck is any of this?

I apologize. I'm not supposed to be asking you questions. To wrap this up, anyone who knows me personally has been able to observe how a large part of my 20s was defined by a nagging, aspirational compulsion to artistically contribute literally anything I could muster. I've written and performed bad songs. Bad poetry. Bad stand-up material. Now I've come to the point where I still want to contribute, and I still have aspirations - but, for deeply personal reasons, I don't necessarily want people to remember my name for it.

So, here I am now, on one of the very last $0 blogging platforms on Earth, tired and angry, and all I want to do is provide... Something. Some way to vent the very true and consistently agitated anger that I feel in the United States of America. Some sort of constructive and entertaining way to process what, exactly, the fuck is happening everywhere in America all of the time. Some way to formally toss my fists into an infinite fray of blogging and podcasting cyberbullies. I want to emulate them and cyberbully the class of Americans who are politically and financially invested in grinding away every meager scrap of dignity the American Proletariat has left. I wanna.

I wanna blog.

So if you're down for a rollicking ride through some wacky current events, buckle up and hang on to something; all of the paved roads have been destroyed.

[mendesho]

The Art of Discovery: Part 1

A/N: So this is my new series.It’s an idea I've been toying with for a while so I figured i’d write it down. Tell me your thoughts please and thanks

Summary: Shawn meets the girl of his fantasies in an unlikely place and goes on a journey of self discovery.

He was new to this. This whole scene. The shady people and the seductive looks. He knew he was in over his head, but he had nowhere else to be.

 His friends had left him a few hours ago, opting to find another bar. He said he was tired, said he was going to head back home.

 Instead he was here, wandering around the seediest part of town, not really sure where he was going.

 His eyes glanced up at the neon sign above him, flashing red and purple, illuminating the dark street.

 “The Pink Kitten Adult Entertainment” The sign read.

 A strip club.

 His curiosity ate at him as he pondered if he should go inside. He chewed his lip, hand scratching at the back of his neck.

 ‘Fuck it’ he thought. No harm in going in for a little bit. 20 minutes tops.

He took a deep breath and pulled the door to the club open.

 He'd never been to one before. He was barely 19 years old and never really had a desire to go to one. He's not sure why tonight was different.

 Immediately he's hit with the smell of stale cigarettes and alcohol. It almost makes him gag, but he powers through, making his way to the first empty table he sees, right in front of the stage.

 There's a silver pole in the center, fairy lights lining the back with a purple curtain covering what Shawn assumed was the backstage area.

 The music was blaring through the sound system as one of the dancers did her routine. She was pretty. She had a great body and the way her hips moved was definitely something. Shawn could see why this interested people so much.

 The dancer finished up, blowing a kiss at the audience as she went to the back. Shawn grabbed a drink, taking a sip. The alcohol burning his throat as it slid, settling in his stomach.

 The lights suddenly dimmed in the club, and Shawn glanced around.

 The unseen DJ got on the speaker, Shawn assumed to announce the next dancer.

 “Please welcome to the stage, the vixen of the night. Sure to make any man swoon. Electra!”

 Shawn's eyes caught the girl on the stage, causing him to almost choke on his drink.

 She was perfect.

 The way her hips swayed to the heavy bass. The way her fingers traced her body, latching on the frilly, barely past her ass dress, pulling it over her head.

 Shawn swallowed hard, his eyes watching her every move. It was like he was the only one in the room. Like she was dancing just for him.

 He held in a groan as he felt his cock twitch in his pants. His mind couldn't help but wander to what other things she might be good at.

 Her eyes met his and his breath hitched in his throat. She offered a seductive smirk, winking at him and turning away, grabbing the pole and shimmying her hips.

 It was almost too much to handle. Shawn felt beads of sweat form under his collar as he watched. His pants felt tighter and he was sure this wasn't healthy. He didn't even know her, but somehow she had this effect on him.

 He felt disappointed when her set ended. She blew a kiss at the crowd, eyes meeting his once more and gave a small smile before walking back behind the curtain, swinging her hips the entire time.

 “Fuck” He mumbled to himself, trying get the blood flowing back into his body.

 He wasn't sure what he was doing, but he knew he had to see her again.

 ~

 He'd been back every night for the past two weeks. Some days she was there, and he had the same spot. Front and center. On the nights she wasn't, he’d stay back near the bar, hoping to catch something about her.

 She worked Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. She was the main attraction and Shawn could definitely understand why.

 He'd gotten to see numerous other dancers but no one captivated him like she did. No one even came close.

 It was Friday night and he sat at his usual spot. Ordered his usual drink and waited for her. He felt like a mad man. Like he was sick for being so invested in a girl he only knew as Electra.

 He took a sip of his drink, eyes glued to the stage as he waited. She'd be out in about an hour.

 A voice from next to him “If I didn't know better I'd think you were stalking me”

 Shawn jumped; feeling like his heart had popped out of his chest.

 There she was. Right there in front of him. She looked more breathtaking than ever.

 She wore jeans and a red tank top. Her hair was in a bun and she was wearing heels that were far too tall to be comfortable. She had a shy but mischievous smile on her face as she stood next to him.

 “Hi...” Shawn breathed, wanting to mentally slap himself for being so basic.

 He'd talk to girls before. He literally got to talk to beautiful women all the time, given his career. But around her, he felt like he was back in high school. A teenage boy with a crush on the hot teacher.

 “This seat taken?” She said with a smile, claiming the seat anyway.

 “Um... uh no-no you're fine” He stammered, internally cringing the more he heard his voice.

 “Soo pretty boy, what brings you in tonight?” She said, pulling the cherry out of his drink and popping it between her lips.

 A lump caught in his throat as he watched her, his face flushing and his hands clenched. He couldn't help but imagine her pretty lips wrapped around him.

 “Um... I-I was just… grabbing a drink?” It sounded more like a question and he hated that she made him lose all composure.

 “Hm, well I've seen you here every night for the past two weeks at this same table. I was beginning to feel special that you came to see lil ole me” She said with a smile

 His face turned beet red, thankful she couldn't see him due to the dim room, only lit by the blue and red overhead lights “I mean I just… I um. “

 She let out a laugh that sounded more sensual than it probably was.

 “Don't worry, love. I‘m just teasing. Why don't you stay after my set? I'd love to get to know my stalker better”

 Shawn swallowed hard, nodding to signal he was very much interested.

 She gave one more smile before standing up and heading towards the back, flashing one last look at him.

 Shawn let out a breath, willing his heart to stop racing.

~

 She danced seductively around the gleaming metal pole, her hands stroking slowly as her body moved in sync with the music.

 Shawn's eyes were on her the whole time, and hers were on him, like they were the only ones in the room.

 It felt far more intimate than him just watching a random dancer. He felt like this was for him. Like this was all for his pleasure.

 The set was over faster than he wanted and she blew a kiss at the crowd, applause erupting from the bunch of horny, older men. One trying to reach up and smack her ass as she bent to grab the discarded clothing

 Shawn felt his fists clench when he saw this. He wasn't sure why he felt possessive over her. He had only properly met her about an hour and a half ago, but he felt like she was his.

 He shook the thought away of this, bringing himself back to reality. He sipped his drink, remembering the offer she'd given him.

 He finished his drink, placing the glass on the table. His eyes scanned the room, looking for her. He spotted her walking toward him, back in the same outfit as her set

 A black and purple corset, fishnet stockings, heels that didn't look at all comfortable and a purple thong with a bow on the front.

 “You stayed!” She said with a smirk “I see you're a man who listens”

 He nodded, trying to find the right words. His eyes couldn't leave her body, the way her legs looked. How her tits were slightly too big for the corset she was wearing. She was far too perfect to be real.

 “Come with me. I have something for you” She said, taking his hand and pulling him from the seat.

 He nodded, standing up and following her, his hand never leaving hers, as he followed her into a back room behind the curtain.

 The room was cozy, a couch over on the side and a cozy looking chair placed in the center of the room.

 She turns around, the same seductive smirk on her face, pulling him towards the chair and pushing him into it.

 He slumps down, eyes looking up her at. He was nervous, his heart pounding out of his chest as her legs straddled him, sitting on his lap as he hands braces his shoulder as she leans in close, her hips swiveling.

 “I've seen you watching me” She whispers in his ear, her lips grazing.

 He lets out a soft groan, his hands instinctively going to her hips. She pulls back, looking at him in the eye.

 “I'm going to give you a little show, yeah?” She says, more of a statement than a question but Shawn nods eagerly, feeling like a pubescent boy again.

 She smirks and stands up, turning her back to him and bending over to turn on the little radio that sat on the table next to them.

 “No touching unless I say. Understand?”

 Shawn nodded early again, his hands sticking firmly to his side.

 She smiled, swaying her hips to the sensual beat and thudding bass.

 She turned around, bending over so he got a full view of her ass. He fought the urge to reach out.

 She makes a show of removing her corset, slowly untying each string, causing Shawn to suck in a deep breath of in anticipation. Once she has it fully removed, she covers her breasts, walking back to straddles him.

 Her hips grind on his as she lets her hands free, Shawn able to see them in full view and up close. Her strains himself to not touch her, remembering her earlier rule.

 It was damn hard to do so though, as the thought of her splayed out under him as he fucked into her overpowered his mind.

 He let out another breathy moan, as he felt himself getting harder as the dance went on. Her hands gripped his hair, pulling his head back as she placing feather light kisses as she continued to grind to the music.

 His nails dug into his palm as he fought the urge to just take her right there. He doesn't know what came over him. She did something to him. Made his whole body ignite.

 Soon, the dance was over and she pulled away, removing her legs from around his hips, smirking at the flushed boy with the raging hard on.

 He closed his eyes, hoping to will some of the pent up tension from his body.

 “That one's on the house” she said with a smirk.

 He willed himself to stand up, his legs a little wobbly as he made his way over to her.

 “I need to see you again” He said, his voice grainy and harsh from his arousal.

 “You can see me anytime you want, baby” She said planting a small kiss on his cheek.

 “You know what time I work.”

 With that, she picked up her corset and made her way towards the door, turning back to wink at him and blow another kiss in his direction.

 “See you around, stalker” she said, closing the door behind her.

 Shawn stood there, looking wrecked out of his mind, his cock still throbbing uncomfortable in his tight pants. He shook his head, attempting to regain some composure as he made his way out the back room.

 ~

 His hands moved quickly over his dick, working towards the relief he'd been needing for over an hour. The visions of her body flashing in his mind

 Her body, the way her hips moved, her smile, her lips. That pretty mouth that he wanted to see wrapped around him as he fucked into it.

 “Fuck” he moaned as he finally, finally came, his whole body shaking as ribbons of cum lined his chest.

 He lay in his bed; the only sounds were his breath filling the air. He was so fucked for her and had no idea why. He barely knew her but there was just something... something about her that made him lose control.

 He had to see her again.

[heartfulofsighs]

Say It Plain

Sorry @negrowhat for not telling you about this. 

You and Yongguk occupy the grey area of FWB. Emotions are complicated and instead of giving in when he asks to date you, you decide to end it all. 

Warnings...None really. Implied smut but nothing beyond making out. More angsty then anything. 

Author’s Note: I’ll probably make this an ongoing series...but don’t quote me on that. I hope you all enjoy.

Also switched it up and wrote in first person and I’ m certain if I keep it going it will stay in first person. Sorry if that’s not your thing. Word count 6300.  

The club was packed music booming bodies moving side to side. It was hot and I was sweating as I moved drink in hand. There was a good dj and he was pumping out all my favorites. Corine took her drink down and leaned into my ear.

“Five more songs then lets go?” She asked. I bit my lip annoyed. I didn’t wanna go. My phone had been blowing up all night and I knew it was Bang pulling his normal shit.

“Just turn your phone off.” She snapped. She could see it on my face then, my mind working away on how to avoid giving in.

“I’m not staying out all night...you can come spend the night at my apartment. I’ll lock the door so you can’t get out.” She said on a laugh. I nodded, “Five more songs and we’ll go.”

We got drunker. I danced laughing as a guy wrapped his hands around my waist to grind against me. Corine took a video cheering me on while I moved with him. Which in hindsight probably wasn’t the best idea because on the ride home I pulled my phone out. There was a whole slew of messages,

“Hey are you up?”

“Come over let’s hang.”

“Why are you ignoring me?”

“What did I do now?”

“I just saw Corine’s snapchat you look really good. Come over I wanna see that shirt in person ;)”

“Who the fuck is that guy you were dancing with?”

“Hey answer me?”

“You always do this. You always wanna play games.”

“Fucking fine...I don’t care what you do!”

“Corine?” I began. She groaned her head back against the seat of the car, “what?”

“He’s in one of his moods again.” I stated. She groaned again annoyed because we had this discussion at least a 1,000 times before.

“What is it about him? I feel like no sex is worth what you guys go through with each other.” She said. I looked out of the window of the car  

“You guys aren’t even together, like for people who are suppose to be just friends with benefits you’re shit at the friends part.” She said.

“He just gets a little touchy.” I said. She put her hand on my shoulder, “gotta give Bang Yongguk up. Please for me. We have this discussion every time we drink and I literally cannot do it anymore.” She said. I leaned over and put my head on her shoulder, “but you love drama.” I chimed. She shook her head hard, “I like new drama. You guys have been rehashing this same fight for too long.”

I stayed firm and went to her apartment instead of going to my own.

“Please turn your phone off.” She told me as I took my clothes off to climb into her bed.

“I think he’s giving me the silent treatment.” I told her. She fixed me with a look and shook her head, “he’s gonna pop up at your place and be furious that you aren’t there and then the phone calls will come.” She said, “I know this cycle better than you...that’s crazy.” She said. I didn’t argue. How could I she was completely correct. I just got into bed and decided to think about it in the morning.

It started with me coming on to him randomly.

“Has anyone ever told you how sexy your hands are?” I asked when I stood next to him in the elevator to our building. He glanced at me and then looked down at his hands holding the stack of books. He seemed completely confused and his eyebrows scrunched up.

“No, I think you’re the first person to mention it.” He said to me with a little smirk on his face. His hair was soft and falling in his face. I shrugged and went back to my phone.

“You live in this building right?” He asked. I nodded, “yeah, I just moved in actually.” I shared.

“I’m Yongguk,” He balanced his books in one hand and extended the other to shake mine.

“_______.” I pronounced. He blinked at me confused. “Yeah I know, my Mom had a whole slew of weird names to saddle me with and my dad managed to talk her down to ______.” I explained.

“Does anyone ever call you Foxy?” He asked and his smile changed a bit. The elevator dinged at my floor and I got off, “sometimes.” I told him as I got off. It was impossible to avoid him. I knew his type. Nice to look at but definitely way to much work to date. Especially since I had just gotten out of a serious relationship. We flirted back and forth harmlessly and sometimes not so harmlessly. Until one day he leaned over and whispered in my ear, “I think you should come to my place...I’ve been having this recurring dream about us and my kitchen table.”

I looked up at him and leaned away feigning innocence.

“You wanna cook me dinner?” I asked. He hovered close to me his tall body causing me to press my back against the elevator wall.

“After…” He whispered. I tilted my head up, “after what?” I asked. I touched his arm and he cocked his eyebrow at me.

“After I fuck you on it.” He stated bluntly. And I could have said no. I could have rolled my eyes and walked around him and gone home. But of course I didn’t. Of course I let him wrap his hand around mine and lead me out. Afterword when both of us were lying breathless and sweaty that’s when I figured I had probably made a mistake.

“Your phone is ringing.” Corine was pushing me awake. I ignored her and tried to keep my eyes closed.

“Your phone! I told you to turn it off!” She yelled.

“Corine.” I said her name flatly.

“Get the hell up and get out he’s gonna come over here.” She pushed me harder until I finally hauled myself up. My phone vibrated off the side table and hit the floor.

“Shit.” I bent to retrieve it and put my hand on my head. I used Corine’s shower to try and wash the pain in my head away. I ignored my phone the entire time.

“I’m going.” I told her as I rubbed the towel through my wet hair.

“Ok, call me later to cry about him.” She grumbled. I rolled my eyes. I scrolled through my messages as I walked back to my building. Corine lived close to me six blocks and I was walking through the lobby of my building. Yongguk had worked himself into a huge frenzy. I rolled my eyes and decided that I wouldn’t listen to any of his voicemails. Maybe Corine was right. Maybe our fling had run its course. I was exhausted thinking about it. I stopped at the elevator bank and pushed the button, praying that he had already left for the day.  My phone rang again I stared at it before I answered.

“Hello,” I began. The silence stretched and then his voice, “finally.”

“What is it?” I asked. The elevator dinged and I stepped on.

“Are you just getting home?” He asked alarmed. I rolled my eyes, “you don’t own me you know.” I said softly.

“Did you fuck that guy?” He asked. The elevator doors closed and I groaned, “please don’t do this.”

“I’m just curious.” He stated.

“What if I did?” I asked. My phone cut in and out. I could hear him on the other side but I couldn’t understand him. I hung up and focused on getting to my apartment. I wanted to be out of last night's clothes. I stepped off thankful that my apartment was 3 steps from the elevator.

“You really are doing the walk of shame?”

I turned my heart thundering in my chest. There he was towering over me per usual with his dark hair falling into his face.

   “Can I take a nap and then we do this?” I asked hopefully. He raised his eyebrow at me, “up all night?” He asked. He took a step towards me and leaned down. I put my hands behind my back trying to summon up all my energy to resist him.

   “Why didn’t you text me back?” He asked. I shrugged, “I didn’t feel like coming over.” I lied.

   “You could have told me.” He whispered, “instead of ignoring me.” He said. He took my chin in his hand possessively, “tell me, I’m really tired of asking you...did you fuck that guy or not?” He asked. I bit my bottom lip my hands carefully turning the knob on my door. I felt it turn.

   “Which guy?” I asked. His eyes opened wide. I got my door open and I stepped into my apartment. Before he could say anything else I slammed it in his face. I was too tired to do our back and forth.

   “I wanna take a nap Bang...we can do this after.” I said into my door. He made a frustrated noise. But he didn’t argue. I was proud of myself, if he had kissed me in the hallway I would have been lost. I stripped my clothes off and headed straight for my bed. The little headache I had was developing into a big headache. I crawled into my bed and closed my eyes.

I didn’t hate Yongguk I just hated that I always found myself thinking about him all the time. He was beginning to occupy too much of my mind. I buried my face in my pillow and screamed. How could one person be so annoying?

I couldn’t sleep the whole day away. I managed to get a few good hours in before I turned over rubbing my hand over my eyes. It was raining outside. I stared up at my window and sighed. I had to get this over with. I pulled on an old grey holy sweatshirt and grabbed a lemon. My phone in my hand I rode the elevator up my heart hammering. When I got to his floor I stepped off and walked down the hallway to his door. I smiled softly to myself as I remembered the times we had stumbled down the hallway loud and drunk. His hands on my waist tracing sloppy kisses on my neck.

   I got to his door and knocked. I probably looked a mess but I was set in what I wanted to say and I didn’t have to look pretty to say it.

   “Who is it?” He asked.

   “It’s me. Are you decent or are you busy with someone?” I asked. I didn’t want to put it past him. He had every right to see whoever he wanted. There was a pause and then his door opened.

   “Did you enjoy your nap?” He asked.

   “Yeah.” I said I held up the lemon, “it’s raining, let’s have tea?” I asked. He stared at the lemon then at me. It looked like maybe he would turn me down and I almost took my lemon and left. But he opened the door wider and I walked in. His apartment was the exact same layout as mine. I walked right up to the kitchen and placed the lemon on the counter. He followed me and I could feel him ready to pounce. But he behaved himself. He got his tea kettle and two mugs out. I sliced the lemon in half and squeezed the juice into each cup. I put my half in my mug and looked at him asking his permission. He nodded and I did the same with his half.

   “So…” I began on a sigh. I felt him standing behind me. He was careful as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

   “So?” He echoed.

   “I wanna talk to you about something.” I started. He went rigid behind me. But I wasn’t going to let his temper distract me and I wasn’t going to let my own temper get the better of me.

   “I don’t think we’re good for each other.” I blurted. He didn’t say anything so I kept on, “all we do is argue and yell at each other...and for what?” I asked. He didn’t give me an answer.

   “Literally any guy you see near me turns into a huge thing...and you don’t have any right.” I said.

   “You never get jealous when I post other girls?” He asked. It was my turn to go silent. I did. He didn’t do it often but every once in awhile he would post a pic or a snapchat of some girl fawning all over him. The jealousy would flare but then I reminded myself that we weren’t really anything to each other and I had no right to have some sort of fit about it.

   “Answer me.” He pushed, “you never get jealous?”

   “If I do, I don’t have a huge fucking fit about it like you do.” I said. He held me tighter and kissed my neck.

   “I wish you would.” He whispered.

   “You wish I would have a fit over you?” I asked astonished. I pulled away and turned around to face him. His face was oddly sad. He stared at me his eyes studying all of me bit by bit. He stepped forward cornering me on the counter. He casually reached over and turned off the burner on the stove. I sighed, “Bang,” I began.

   “We can have tea after.” He stated.

   “After?” I echo. He put his hands on my waist again. “Up.” He instructed. I hoped up and he set me on the counter so we were eye to eye.

   “In my opinion,” he said as he pushed the collar of my sweatshirt so he could kiss my exposed shoulder. “I think we’re very good for each other. I think the title you gave us is causing the problem.” He very gently moved between my legs, opening them wider on the countertop.

   “Friends with benefits?” He stated with distaste. He ran a hand underneath my sweatshirt. My skin instantly heated at his touch. He palmed my right breast and I shuddered.

   “I get the way I get because I don’t want to think about other guys doing this to you.” He kissed me pushing his plush lips against mine gently at first. I leaned into him despite myself. This was exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Once we got started I would lose all my train of thought. He pulled away.

   “But it’s ok for other girls to touch you?” I asked my voice weak. He cocked his head his eyebrows pulling together in confusion.

   “You’re the only one who touches me like this.” He said. I turned my head away, “don’t lie.”

He caught my chin and forced me to look at him, “I’m not lying. You’re the only one who touches me like this.” He repeats. I raise my hands to cradle his face and he lets me go. I lean down and brush my lips against his gently at first once then twice. I can feel his impatience and truthfully I’m impatient too. I kissed harder my teeth catching his bottom lip and causing him to open his mouth with a groan. I angled my head my tongue running against his as our breathing became more labored. He pulled away to kiss my neck. He bit me right in my favorite spot and I arched into him. His hands tugged at my sweatshirt. I helped him pull it off. My rational mind was trying to make one more stand. Even as he touched me it pushed itself to the forefront and I pulled away from him. He stared at me his breaths coming hard his face cautious.

     “What’s wrong?” He asked. I couldn’t look at him. I needed to get what I had to say out or we would just be trapped in our usual cycle.

      “Listen this isn’t a good idea.” I took a huge breath feeling his fingers feather light on my thighs.

     “I came here to end this thing that we have.” I pushed. His fingers stopped. I looked at his face afraid of what I would see there. His features looked frozen over. He had locked his emotions away before I could catch them.

     “What is it about me?” He asked coldly. I reached for my sweatshirt and he carefully took it in his hands.

      “It’s not you...it’s just…”

     “I’m not the kind of guy you date? I’m just the kind you screw right?” He asked. I was at a loss...I couldn’t tell him that I was terrified of another broken heart. That I didn’t have it in me to pick myself up again. I wouldn’t survive it. And I knew myself well enough to know that with him it would be a thousand times worse. It wasn’t just the physical connection. It was everything about him if I didn’t start now I would drown in him an I couldn’t do that all over again. I looked at his hands twisted in my sweatshirt.

      “I’m sorry I’m such a bitch.” I whispered, “I just don’t have it in me.” I said softly. I pushed myself from the counter and took my sweatshirt. I pulled it back on while he watched me eyes cold. This was it. I was doing what I had set out to do. I was cutting ties making everything easier for both of us. He didn’t say anything to me just watched me walk out no goodbye no nothing and I thought maybe that was for the better.

   “So has he called you at all?” Corine asked quietly. I had been counting the days. It had been almost a month. In an effort to be less of an asshole I had been doing my absolute best to avoid Yongguk. Me and the stairwell were becoming best friends. I stayed away from our buildings gym and laundry room...and I missed him like crazy.

   “He hasn’t.” I stated.

   “And you haven’t called him?” She asked. I shook my head, “I deleted his number.” I whispered.

   “Oh.” She whispered.

   “It’s better for me. As much as he was a jerk...I wasn’t an angel either. I...there’s some things wrong with me too Corine.” I said. She looked at me tea cup in hand. For a while she didn’t say anything and when she did she took my hand.

   “I think you tried to power on like TJ didn’t hurt at all. I mean yeah you cried but you compressed a 3 year relationship into one weekend of crying and then you were this forced version of yourself.” She said. I rubbed my face a little annoyed.

   “You could have said this sooner.” I blurted out.

   “Please don’t. You know you hated it whenever I asked if you were ok. You always flipped out.” She said. “I love you but you don’t listen...you set your mind about something and that’s it.” She told me.

   “I know.” I said.

   “Can I ask you something?” She began.

   “What?”

 “Why didn’t you just date Bang?” She asked bluntly. “I feel like that was the whole problem with you two. He wanted to date you obviously but you purposely kept him away.” She pointed out.

   “You’re supposed to be my friend, you’re always suppose to take my side.” I whined. “I didn’t wanna go straight from one relationship to another.” I said.

   “Then you shouldn’t have had sex with him in the first place. You got greedy.” She pushed.

   “Holy shit...you’re being incredibly supportive today.” I said sharply. She shrugged, “It’s called tough love.” She pushed.

   “Well thanks I guess.” I mumbled. She rubbed my hand but I needed a moment before I could look at her. She was right of course. I couldn’t be mad at her. I just wish I wasn’t so obvious.

   “You’re not gonna pout at me all night right?” She asked. I shook my head. “Cause you have to look like you’re having fun tonight.” She added.

   “Yeah I know.” I said. Corine had a work event to attend at a very swanky club. I was her plus one and she had been looking forward to it for weeks now. We had gone dress shopping and I had nearly lost my mind trying to pick something I liked. Thankfully Corine could be incredibly patient when she put her mind to it. Store after store she had encouraged me until I found a black dress that I liked. The back was plunging and had a fancy chain detail that made it interesting enough to wear. Instead of straightening my hair like I usually did for going out Corine had convinced me to leave it curly and pin it back.

   “So I’ll get dressed here since you’re closer to the venue….” She began and my mind slowly tuned out. I nodded while I stared down at my hands. Getting dressed up had been exciting weeks ago but the more I thought of it the more I dreaded it.

   “________?”

She called my name and I looked up with a bright smile on my face.

“You’re sure you’re ok right?” She asked, “I mean not completely ok but you’re gonna be alright tonight?” She asked again.

“I’m gonna be fine don’t worry about me. I’m just trying to remember where I put the necklace I wanna wear.” I lied. She accepted this with a pat on my hands. I pulled them back, “don’t pat me like that, you’re acting like my mom.” I joked.

“I give advice like your mom too.” She added.

“You don’t get as mad when I don’t take it.” I said.

“Oh I get mad, but there’s nothing else to do.” She said as she stood up to take our cups to the kitchen. “You’ve got the hardest head of anyone I know.”

Yongguk had taken me to a club once or twice before. I wanted to stay away from anything that could be considered a date but he had convinced me. He liked the tease of dancing of putting his hands on me in full view of everyone else. His favorite was whispering in my ear while we danced.

“When we get home will you be good or bad for me?” He asked me once. I had turned in his arms and whispered, “what if I was good tonight?” I asked. I was curious because up until then he liked us to be on the rougher side. He had gazed at me and his eyes actually looked soft. His mouth had curled into a smile that was so adoring it scared me. He kissed me and said, “If you’re good I’ll treat you like a princess.” He said against my lips.

“________!”

I looked up to Corine’s annoyed face. I sighed trying to blink the memory away.

“What do you want to drink?” She repeated. One of her male coworkers was hovering around her elbow waiting.

“Just my usual.” I said with a small smile. She turned to him leaning up to speak in his ear over the booming music. He nodded and disappeared back into the crowd. I had met him before but I couldn’t remember anyone’s name at the moment.

“You spaced completely out.” She said to me.

“Once I start drinking I’ll be more fun I promise.” I told her. She pushed me lightly, “don’t say shit like that. You’re making me think you really have a problem.” She said on a laugh. I stood up straight and smoothed my hands over my dress, “you gonna stage an intervention?” I asked. She shook her head and looked over at the dance floor. The music was loud causing us to have to shout at each other. The venue was filled with everyone who worked at Corine's company. No one was left out, not even the janitor who had gotten his wife all dressed up. The two were trying their best on the dance floor much to everyone’s delight.

“Wow look at them go.” I pointed out. Corine followed my eyes and put her hand to her mouth. I didn’t catch what she said but she started to laugh and clap her hands to the beat.

“Who would have thought Mr. Lauren could move like that!” She yelled.

“Not me.” I agreed. The night actually got significantly better from there. Through force of will I didn’t think about Yongguk. Instead I drank and laughed with Corine’s coworkers. They were a good bunch of people. Her company kept the bar open which meant I had an unlimited supply of vodka and cranberry. Mark happened to be the male coworker who had gotten our drinks at the beginning of the night. He stuck to me like glue but I tried not to pay any extra attention to him. I didn’t want to lead him on or encourage him in anyway. I seemed to be unlucky with guys. Maybe Corine had been right when she said that I was being greedy. The night dragged on I drank more until I finally got tired enough to call it a night. I pulled Corine to the side and started to shout at her about my leaving. The music was still so loud.

“You’re going already!” She asked.

“I’m old and tired.” I said to her. We both laughed loudly. She looked over at her coworker Mark who had followed me around all night.

“Mark thinks you’re really pretty. He’s been bugging me about you since you came to lunch at my office that one day.” She shared. I shook my head, “Corine make up your mind...either you want me to date Bang or you want to shove your coworker at me?” I asked. She shrugged, “I just want you to not be sad.” She shared. I pulled away from her.

“Don’t start.” I warned her. She covered her mouth to keep from laughing and said, “fine, go home. Text me when you get there.” I nodded.

On my way out Mark stopped me.

   “Do you wanna share a cab?” He asked, “we could have a nightcap at my place?” He suggested.

I didn’t have the energy to be polite when I turned him down.

   “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I said bluntly. He held up his hands in a sign of defeat but his pleasant smile didn’t move.

   “Maybe another time then.” He said.

   “Maybe.” I granted. “Have a good night.” He said.

In the cab the good time I had feeling began to leak out of me. I looked at the city passing by outside the window and wished that I could be by myself without feeling so...sad. I rubbed my eyes smearing my mascara accidentally. Other people could be alone without needing someone but apparently I wasn’t capable of that. I thought about Yongguk. About the way he smiled at me, at the dumb way he always liked to say my name. I looked down at my hand and imagined him holding it.

   “Is this the building miss?” I looked up glad to be home. I got out from the cab but of course I caught my foot on the curb and fell.

   “Shit.” I muttered. The concrete dug into my knee and as I stood up I could see I was bleeding.

   “You ok?” The cab driver asked.

   “Yeah I’m fine.” I assured him. I took my shoes off and hobbled my way into my building. My knee stung. I couldn’t wait to be home. In the elevator I closed my eyes and sighed. This late in the night I didn’t have to worry about anyone else getting on. I wanted to go to sleep. My head was beginning to pound. The elevator dinged and I opened my eyes. He was standing in front of my door. I blinked trying to decide whether I should get off or not. He heard the elevator and looked over at me.

“_________?” He looked at me closely while I limped off. He was almost immediately in front of me.

“What the fuck happened to you?” He asked sharply. He looked down at my knee, “did you get into a fight?” He asked. I pushed my hand over my face. I wanted to hide how happy I was to see him. I felt tears pricking at my eyes.

“_______?” He called my name again touching my arm has he said it.

“Why are you here?” I asked. My voice was shaky.

“You first. What happened to you?” He asked. I took a huge shuddering breath.

“I fell on the curb outside.” I explained. “And I smeared my makeup in the cab.” I said. I looked up at him and added, “and I really really missed your stupid face.” Instead of smiling down at me his face hardened.

“You’re drunk aren’t you?” He asked. He took a step back and rubbed his hand against the back of his neck.

“You only smile like that when you’re drunk.” He whispered. I rubbed harder at my face, “I’m buzzed, I left before I got really drunk.”  I took a huge breath, “why are you here? I...I’ve been trying so hard.” I said to him.

“Trying hard to what?” He asked. I bit my bottom lip and shook my head, “why did you come here?” I asked again.

“I came to beg.” He said clearly.

“What?” I asked. He rubbed his face and made a frustrated noise, “I can’t sleep.” He said to me. I waited not sure what to say.

“I sleep best when I can hold you.” He blurted out. “And I’ve tried to not be an asshole and pressure you about this but I miss you too much. So I came to...beg. If you want to do the friends with benefits thing again fine I’ll bite the bullet and do that...I just want to be able to hold you.” He said. The silence stretched and I was trying to keep myself from just collapsing into tears. He watched me the hardness very slowly leaking out of his face.

“Do you want tea?” I asked flatly because that was all that came into my head.

He made me sit while he made the tea for me. I put a bandaid on my knee under his watchful eye.

“Did you really fall?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah I got out of the cab and ate shit.” I said. He snorted but didn’t say anything else.

“You’ve been trying hard to avoid me huh?” He asked. I nodded, “I don’t have to go to the gym anymore cause I’ve been taking the stairs so much.” I shared.

“You could have ridden the elevator I wouldn’t have said anything to you.” He said.

“It wasn’t that I was afraid of you.” I said turning to face him, “I was more afraid of how I would react I think.” I said. The kettle went off. He turned the burner off and carefully sliced a lemon. He squeezed juice in each cup and put my half in my mug. When he brought me my cup I took it and began to blow.

“You missed me too?” He asked quietly. I didn’t look at him just nodded my head.  He said nothing else. We sat next to each other at my table quietly sipping tea. The cup was comforting in my hands, having Yongguk back in my apartment was even more relaxing.

“Can I ask you why you don’t want to just date like normal people do?” He asked. I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. When I opened my eyes again I looked at him.

“Before I moved here I lived with someone who I was completely in love with.” I said softly. The sentence made my chest hurt. I swallowed, determined to stop myself from tearing up.

“Then one Monday I woke up next to him same as always and he looked at me and said, ‘this isn’t gonna work anymore.’ And I…” I took another shuddering breath, “I asked him was it someone else? Was it something I did wrong? And all he could tell me was, ‘I loved you but now the feeling isn’t the same. It’s just not there.’ “

Yongguk sat very still watching me while I tried to gather myself. That whole day had felt like a hollow nightmare. The pain in my chest felt like it was happening to someone else. The entire time he had just stared at me blankly like I wasn’t his anymore. I felt like I was looking at a stranger.

“When I left I decided that I couldn’t get myself that wrapped up in a relationship ever again. I sort of molded myself to this idea that I wasn’t going to give anyone to chance to fall out of love with me again.” I said. Yongguk blinked at me and very carefully placed his cup down. He took a large breath.

“________, you can’t let this one guy rule your whole life.” He said.

“He isn’t.” I said to him.

“If him breaking up with you caused you to change something about yourself for the worse then yeah, he’s still ruling over you.” He explained.

“Being cautious is not necessarily a change for the worse.” I countered. He rolled his eyes. But the look on his face was softer. I could feel he didn’t want to argue. I looked down at my table and tried not to think too hard about TJ. I was suddenly so tired.

“I’m sleepy.” I whispered, “can we go to bed?” I asked. I heard the chair being pushed back. He took my arm and hauled me up. I followed after him on wobbly legs down my own hallway. In my bedroom he was quick to pull his shirt over his head and drop his pants to the floor. He took his time and was careful with the zipper on the back of my dress.

“You look beautiful by the way.” He said. I stepped out of the dress and crawled onto my bed with a deep sigh.

“Thanks, Corine made me go with her to a work event.” I explained. I got under the covers and watched him. He got in next to me. His arms wrapped around me and he put his face into the crook of my neck.

“Did you have fun before you ate shit on the curb?” He asked with a low chuckle. I yawned again but managed to say yes. I could feel his breathing slowing down already. He settled against me.

“I really missed you.” I whispered as my eyes started to close.

“Me too, I’ll show you just how much after…” He trailed off.

“After?” I asked.

“After I get at least two hours of sleep…”

I slept like a baby next to Yongguk. His warmth was comforting and I had to admit that I had missed the feeling of his arms around me. I felt the light of the sun on my face and shifted.

   “You left the blinds open.” I complained as I tucked myself closer to his body. I felt him chuckle, “you really are hard to please…” he said holding me tighter. I tried to sink back into sleep but I was acutely aware of him moving. He trailed his arms down my body slowly then back up.

   “Do you want me to make you breakfast.” He asked. When I opened my eyes to look up at him he was looking down at me carefully.

   “Who says I wanna eat breakfast with you?” I said with a small smirk. He rolled his eyes and sighed.

   “Why do you always have to give me so much lip?” He asked. I shrugged.

   “Since we’ve argued and made up…” He trailed off as he leaned his head down to kiss me. I wanted to lean back. But I had missed him too much. I opened for him and he ran his tongue along mine sighing into me. I squirmed a bit against him and I felt him smile.

   “Who says we’ve made up?” I asked with much less attitude than I had originally intended. My arms were snaking around his neck. He pulled away to look at me. His face was less teasing as he gazed at me.

   “______.” He pronounced my name so carefully. I bit my bottom lip, “Can I have a straight answer?” He asked softly. My eyes dipped to his lips and I nodded.

   “Ask me.” I breathed while my fingers felt along the skin of his neck.

   “Can we be a couple?” He asked me. He kissed me again along my jaw adding, “I promise to be the best boyfriend I can be.”

My heart was hammering. Why did he have to ask me so soon? Why couldn’t he have waited until after I had fully woken up? Or after we were out of breath and sweaty? I swallowed focusing on the question and not the path he was kissing to my neck.

          “I just wanna be the only one who holds you like this...please?” He asked as he nipped and sucked a hickey into my neck. I leaned my head up giving him more access. He continued slowly kissing and nibbling at my skin. Hitting all the points that made my toes curl. He stopped raising his head to look at me. I traced my thumb along his cheekbone.

         “I’m scared.” I whispered finally letting the truth slipped out. He nodded his eyes never leaving my face. He thought carefully of his next sentence. I could see him considering what to say quietly.

        “Me too. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.” He confessed I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened my eyes again my mind was made up.  

      “The best boyfriend you can be...I’m gonna hold you to that.” I said.

[monstrous-beauty]

Monstrous Beauty Text Posts

Jake: What (and i cannot stress this enough) the fuck/ sure. blame the guy who's a huge idiot who causes a lot problems, again/ Me in jail: so are you guys familiar with the cell block tango/ Apparently "the vibes are off" isn't a just excuse to leave work early/ what, from the bottom of my heart, the fuck/ what doesn't kill doesn't kill you/ yesterday at target the cashier said "your receipt is the bag* and I responded with "you too" so I've been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I'm slowly coming to terms with it which is cool/ *enters my own password* i'm in/ due to personal reasons I will be cheating death/ *gets down on one knee* *gets down on the other* *doesn't get up ever*/ Not to be dramatic but if I don't get my life together I will die/ I have pure intentions, bitch! you can't kill me/ cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you me: yeah he was not very friendly

Storm: Which is messier my life or my hair/ "I am unknowable" I say as I overshare my biggest childhood trauma's in the first conversation with someone/ I love laying the FUCK down and sleeping/ me: [vibrating slightly because I had too much caffeine] everything in the world is my fault/ my only goal in life is to destroy the space-time continuum/ i am a huge fan of space, both outer and personal/ Yeah sex is great but have you looked at common English words and then followed their systematic time changes back through Old English and Proto-Germanic all to the way to their Proto-Indo-European roots, whispered one of those roots out loud, and been overwhelmed by a sense of Lovecraftian insignificance as it dawns on you that you just reached back across scores of centuries and spoke a word older than civilization itself?/ but i don't have a hyperfixation i'll die

Adrienne: im so tired of this life. i want to be a roomba. i want knives taped to me. i want to be set loose./ are my prophetic visions a joke to you/ There has been a lady inside my head screaming for the past 10 years and u think taking a bath and doing yoga will stop her? U are wrong. She is a very mad lady and she will not be silenced/ Cranky because you haven't had any prophetic dreams to aid you on your quest aren't you/ i wish it was 1600 so i cood spelle words howe everr my harte destyred/ me: *hangs out with little kids and tries to teach them self love and feminist ideas*/ Pros and cons of wearing all black pros: hot as hell cons: hot as hell/ If someone points at your black clothes and asks you who's funeral it is, a look around the room and casual "haven't decided yet" is a good response

Solais: mentally i'm at least 5"11. physically? don't worry about it/ don't call yourself edgy unless you talk to dead people and have daddy issues/ im a simple gal. people raise their voices at me, i cry for an hour/ once i figure out how to hold a conversation it's frienship for you bitches/ me: *is tiny* me: (;'._.');/ no homo bro *thinks about you* thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you*/ Listen man I'm just trying to wear soft sweaters and read my books and love myself/ i was put on this earth to eat bagels and be gay/ actually Ratatouille is the dish's name, you're thinking of Ratatouille's monster. im what the kids call

attention seeking/ me gay? why yes thank you for noticing/ on all levels except physical, i am a little heart shaped candy that says "i'm all yours!"/ nothing is awkward or cheesy if you don't give a fuck. i'm on this earth to have a good time. not to be cool./ i aspire to be one of those people who is known for always smelling good and treating people kindly/ big heart energy/ me @ you: >> this is my protecting women and girls knife/ doing violence tonight so watch out if you're weak to attacks/ why did my last two braincells have to be a sad one and a stupid one/ goes to the kitchen holds a knife in my hand for a while. puts it back. goes back to my room

Mal: these hands rated e for everyone/ forgive me father for I have sinned in all the coolest and most glamorous ways possible/ "I expected better from you" well that was your fault lmao i got nothing to do with that/ im beautiful im delicious i literally cannot die i want 200 dollars/ friendly reminder that i literally cannot die, and id love to see any of you fuckers try to take me down/ Slutty in theory but not in practice/ I just wannna be vaguely unsettling, not even scary or creepy, I just want people to look at me and feel like there's something A Little Bit Wrong but they don't know what when they tell the story of the slighty cryptid being to their friends later/ Hmmm gay rights but only for me i think? The rest of you are on your own/ i say i'm gay a lot for someone who is technically bisexual/ occupation: the family disappointment/ [steps on my emotions and grinds them under my heel] anyways/ i am evil and not straight/ me: breathes parents: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE/ you ever listen to your dad talk and be like "why are you like this?"/ dont you hate when you wake up and you're awake/ oh god...oh fuck...*yearns*/ Due to personal reasons I'll be going feral/ Quitting school to become a plant who wants to join me we can make a forest/ Anyways! *climbs out of the scattered and ruined debris of my feelings*/ so what if i love you. shut up/ i ask myself 48 times a day "am I being dramatic? Is this #toomuch?" the answer is always yes of course/ *lawyer voice* eat a dick, your honor/ I may seem like an asshole but deep down I'm good person and even deeper down I'm a bigger asshole/ in my defense, i was left unattended

[weekendwarriorblog]

30 Minute Experiment: Another Free-For-All #30ME

Boy, I wish I could make that damn watch smaller.... hello there and welcome to what might end up being the grumpiest 30 Minute Experiment yet. I’m just not in a great mood and didn’t really feel like coming up with a topic, although for anyone reading this far, I’m definitely looking for more subjects and topics to write about so I don’t go further down the wormhole as I’ve been in the last few days.  Trust me, it’s hard to do this even when you think you have a topic to begin with. It’s even harder when you decide to do one of these “Free For Alls” and you’re hellbent on doing the 30 minutes as usual.

Right now I’m writing this while listening to a Mogwai record since that was one of the bands I first heard through the #TimsTwitterListeningParties that I’ve already mentioned a few times now. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll probably already realize that it’s what’s taking up my time most evenings from 4pm to 6pm Eastern. I’ve decided to take tonight off since the records being covered aren’t one I necessarily want to listen to right this moment. I also have a few other music-related things to watch/listen to today. I also probably should do some apartment-cleaning and that might be what I do right after this.

So why are you in such a bad mood, Ed, you ask? Well, I think I’ve almost reached my breaking point in this pandemic, and that’s only one month in. This is where I was at before Governor Cuomo announced earlier that we’ll be remaining in New York Pause until May 15... another month. It’s been a little over a month so far, and I’ve been damn good with all the rules... social distancing, washing hands, wearing a mask and gloves when you go out, etc etc etc. I’ve been doing this for a month whenever I go out which so far hasn’t really been for more than maybe 15 to 20 minutes on any particular day and rarely two days ago.

The problem is that I’ve never been a “walk around for the sake of walking around” type of guy. I go outside and walk around cause I have some place to go or somewhere to be or something to do. That’s it, and that’s why I get so irate at people who can just stand around bullshitting or just taking a nice leisurely stroll in the middle of rush hour in Times Square. It’s just the way I’m wired, and that’s been the case in the 30 years I’ve been in New York. It’s why I can get things done and seemingly be in two places or once or multi-tasking to the point where I can get a lot of work and writing done. It’s what makes me a valuable part of the work force, and it’s something that tends to be taken for granted because.... yeah, I can get moody at times. And this is most definitely one of those times.

I don’t know what happened but sometime before I went to sleep, I just took a look at my day-to-day and thought, “Well, my life before this pandemic wasn’t great but this, what I’m doing right now, is much MUCH worse.” Don’t get me wrong, I love what I love and I’ll continue watching and listening to and writing about as much as I possibly can before things get crazy again... and by crazy I mean, the three movie days where I’m literally going from where I live on the Lower East Side into midtown two or three times a day. I got a lot of exercise than cause I was walking a lot and going up a lot of flights of stairs (including my own).  But I always had something to do or somewhere to be. Those days are gone now and not having that sort of motivation is really starting to grind me down.

You also have to understand that I live in New York City... by myself... in a fairly small studio apartment that’s so cluttered and full of crap I can never find a place to put that it’s tough to live here in the best of circumstances. I mean, I deal with it because the alternative is to actually stop everything and go through the entire apartment throwing things away, clearing out the clutter, cleaning, etc.  Believe me, I understand the logic in why this is important. I’ve probably seen at least one episode of that Marie Kondo show on Netflix. I’ve already made the joke that if Marie Kondo saw my apartment, that ever-present smile would plummet and she’d run away screaming. Either that or she’d dedicated an entire season just to my apartment and the money I’d make from that would allow me to live in a much more comfortable place then where I’ve been the last few years.

Believe me, I’m getting the motivation and push and drive to tackle this from everyone in my family, almost all of my friends and most importantly, my landlord, who has been very patient about the constant tardiness in my rent paying. For those of you who don’t know, we had a pretty big legal battle about seven years ago (right around the time I was diagnosed with cancer) and we worked it out with the understanding that it wouldn’t get that bad again. It hasn’t gotten that bad again... but it isn’t great... and the little bit that I manage to do when I buckle down and do something, it just never seems to make that big a difference. 

While I might do something really major in terms of trying to clean a certain area, anyone (like my landlord) who walked in the door wouldn’t notice a difference at all. I mean, I notice the difference when I throw out three bags of accumulated Chinese condiments that have been sitting on my stove top and slowly growing over the past few years. Would anyone else? Probably not. You would have to live here to notice these minor differences.

But yeah, it’s gotta get done and it will. I’m stuck in here for another month and it’s not like I have a ton of other things to do. Besides this 30 minutes of writing and some work on screenplays that have been gestating for years, I either get to just sitting her watching stuff, playing the two video games I have any interest in right now (Overwatch and the 2015 Magic the Gathering game on my Xbox that I just discovered) or catch up on any of a dozen to a hundred shows I’ve been meaning to watch. 

Oh, yeah, there’s also the screener links that are always queued up so I’ll have something to write about in next week’s Weekend Warrior. If you think my apartment is cluttered, just imagine how my screener queue just keeps growing as I have no choice but to sit down and watch them.

Another thing you have to understand about my apartment, and I tell you this o may be you can make some comparison with your own domicile or living situation is that I live alone. I don’t have a typical bedroom, living room, kitchen situation as most people have. I have a futon that’s permanently in a “couch mode” where I sleep at night. When I wake up, I sit up and my laptop is on a small table by my bed surrounded by books, magazines, medicine and anything I might need. Next to this desk is my stove... it is about five feet from my head when I’m asleep. And that isn’t even the craziest and scariest part of my scenario. My gas heater, an old gas heater with a thermostat that’s never quite worked properly -- it’s wonderful on days where it’s 70 degrees outside where it kicks in mysterious as are the nights where it’s 20 degrees outside and only slightly warmer in my apartment because the thermostat has decided that the point of a heater is something other than to heat the apartment. 

So imagine that situation and every day you wake up and have to decide, “Do I look at this awful place I’m living?” or “Do I sit at my computer and communicate with the outside world, do some writing, listening, watching and just try to get through the day until it’s time to put up my feet and go to sleep again in the exact same place I’ve been sitting all day?”

Think about that and now you may have some idea why in the last 24 hours or so, my mind just couldn’t deal with it anymore. Don’t worry... I’m not at the point where anyone needs to put me on suicide watch or anything. I have enough of a support system that when I get to that point, someone in my life will know about it, whether it’s my brother or any of my hundreds of close friends. 

Oh! Speaking of friends, remember that earlier piece I wrote a few weeks ago about “friendship”? While writing about it, I began thinking of a guy who was one of my very best friends for decades, someone who I had a falling out with a few years back and had lost touch with. After writing that I thought to myself, “I probably should try to make right with this guy and see how he and his wife are doing” so I did. And we chatted briefly in Messenger agreeing to get on the phone sometime this week.  I’m not going to go into details but something happened a few days ago where I commented on his FB feed, probably the first time I had done so in YEARS, and I get a message hours later criticizing my comment. Things didn’t go particularly well after that because mind you, I’m already on edge due to other things going on in the world right now.

But it basically ended with this guy blocking me on Facebook and me thinking, “Why the hell did I bother to get back in touch with this good friend of mine? Clearly, I had a reason to not be talking to him for four years...and I try to make right and work things out and this is what happens.”

So yeah, there’s definitely a lot of frustration and futility in my life right now and all these daily rituals I’ve been trying to do (including this one) are partially because it’s the only way I can get through this.  

As I said, I have a pretty solid online support system and lots of my friends offered me advice on how to deal with my current mindset, and I certainly read every single word that was said and appreciated every bit of advice that was given... but again, I’m not sure that people out there really realize the situation that...  and I take full credit and responsibility for all of it... I’ve put myself in. 

There’s a common cliché about hindsight being 20/20 and if there’s nothing else I’ve learned from these 30 Minute Experiments, it’s that being able to recognize problems long after they’ve reached a breaking point as I have right now... it’s much easier when you recognize these problems before they happen. And believe me, I have, but for whatever reason I keep allowing these things (whether it’s the stress instigators or the clutter) keep building up to the point where it seems overwhelming to deal with them.

And with that, today’s time is up! If you have any ideas for subjects or topics you’d like me to ramble about, send them my way! (Just nothing about movies, please!) :)

[fanatic-writers]

A Strange Request (Part 3)

Pairings: Dr. Strange x Reader

Warnings: Cursing

A/N: Guess what guys I didn’t fall off the face the Earth! I know I haven’t posted in forever (let’s not pull out the calendars please). Let’s just blame finals and the fact that I actually studied instead procrastinating like usual. Alright, that’s enough from me, now it’s time for the story! ~A

(Part One)

(Part Two)

**************************************

You shut the door behind you as you stumbled numbly into your room.

“Hugh, what the hell just happened?” You said. You turned your head to stare at him and he whimpered in response, taking a few steps back to avoid getting swept off of his perch by your nose. “I mean, what the literal hell just happened?” He whimpered again and flew over to the table, pacing anxiously. You sighed and flopped down onto your bed, jumping up when you realized Jaz was still there, snoring away. She let out a small shriek and rolled off the edge of the bed, landing in an graceful pile of limbs at your feet. “Jesus Christ y/n,” she sighed, pushing her tangled mass of hair out of her face, “if you wanted me to leave you could've just asked. No need to sit on me!”

“What are you still doing here?” You said, rolling your eyes. Jaz I'm not up for your bullshit today.

“What? You said I could stay here while you were on your date,” she whined fixing her shirt as she sat up.

“Yeah but I thought you would've left by now! What is it like ten o’clock?”

“I assumed you wouldn't be coming back,” Jaz shrugged, pulling her knees up to her chest and leaning against the bed.

“Why-”

“C’mon sweetie, you were giving him the eyes. I thought you'd be having a little…checkup with the good doctor.”

You leaned down and smacked her on the arm, “Stop it!”

“What? I didn't say anything!”

“You were thinking it.”

“Oh so you're a mind reader now?”

You rolled your eyes and walked over your desk chair, “I'm not having this conversation with you.”

“You started it.”

“How did I start it?!?”

“Hey, we both know you wanted to check out his… bedside manner.” Jaz smirked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. Huginn squawked from his perch on the table and took flight, dive bombing Jaz’s head.

“Hey!” Jaz shouted, covering her head to protect herself from any stray bird droppings.

“What he said,” you laughed, holding out your hand. Huginn landed in your palm and puffed his chest proudly. You smiled and kissed the top of his head.

Jaz cleared her throat, “Are the two of you going to need some privacy?”

“Oh shut up!” You shouted.

“Don't get too defensive now! It looked suspicious.” You were about to argue when Jaz cut you off. “So, you never told me. How did your date go?”

You sighed and pushed off from the edge of your desk, trailing your foot against the ground as you turned in a slow circle. “Can we not...get into that today?” You said quietly.

“What? You know you can tell me anything!” Jaz said.

“I know but-”

“Then what the hell man? It couldn't have been that bad.”

“I never said it was bad! I mean he was really sweet until…”

“God, did he makes a pass at you? Like do you need me to kick his ass? Because I can and will and I won't even feel bad about it.”

“Jaz, are you on something?”

“I only had like three energy drinks and a bag of M&M’s…”

“Seriously, bro?”

“...one of the family sized ones. But I'm serious! No one will be able to find his body when I'm done with him.”

“For the love of- he didn't make a pass at me, okay?” You sighed, rubbing your temples with your fingertips.

“Then seriously what's your issue?”

“There's no issue!” You said, bringing your hands down and slapping your legs for emphasis.

“Then just tell me how it went!”

“Fine! You want to know I'll tell you! Everything was great! He was sweet and he was funny and it was all fan-fucking-tastic until the end. He- I don't even know what happened at the doorstep! He fucking choked and pretty much ran out of here.”

“Wait, that's what you're mad about?” Jaz raised an eyebrow.

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean? ‘That's what I'm mad about.’” You started angrily.

“Sweetie, all kidding aside it was your first date. Don't you think you're being a little dramatic?”

“Jaz, I just-I wanted-I don't know, okay! I mean I thought he was leaning in but then he just kind of hugged me and ran off and it was awkward and weird and I don't know what any of this means!”

“Well then explain it to me,” Jaz sighs, rubbing her brow tiredly. “How did it go? And please don't ever say fan-fucking-tastic again. It just sounds...wrong.”

You laughed bitterly, “He was...great. I mean he was goofy and funny and I've never seen him act like that before. He actually laughed at my shitty puns and when we got onto something he was passionate about, his eyes would just light up…” you sighed wistfully. “I sound insane.”

“You sound love struck,” Jaz laughed. “I'm starting to see why you were a little upset.”

“I thought I was just being dramatic,” you said, raising an eyebrow.

“Out of context? Yes, but I could see the way you were talking about him. You're in love, sweetie.

“Don't you think it's a little early to call it?”

“You're probably right!” Jaz giggled then narrowed her eyes. “You know what, that was pretty fast. Do you think he's trying to pull some voodoo love magic on you?”

“Well that's reassuring,” you snorted.

“Hey, I'm just trying to be realistic!”

“In what world is that realistic?”

“Says the girl who goes to magic school and has a magical pet raven,” Jaz shot back.

“Shut up,” you grumbled. “Why are you so good at arguing?”

“It's a gift,” Jaz shrugged. “Now go to sleep.”

“Whoa! Who made you queen of the world?”

“We had a meeting while you went on your date,” Jaz said dryly. “C’mon, you've gotta help me study for my magic theory class tomorrow, and then we've got to sort out this whole relationship catastrophe.”

“It's not a catastrophe-”

“Yes it is.” Jaz cut in. “Now shut up and go to sleep! We've got a big day tomorrow.”

**************************************

The next morning, you and Jaz had breakfast in the common area, leaving Huginn to get some sleep in your room. Jaz had spread her disorganized notes all over the table, leaving you to try and decipher her handwriting. She looked up at the ceiling and pursed her lips, trying to summon an answer. “Um...the Cunningham method?” She finally answered.

“No, aquatic manipulation. Jaz, have you even looked at your notes?”

She waved her arms in frustration, filling the air with the swish flowing silk. “You know I'm no good at the whole memorization part of things,” she sighed. She grabbed an apple from the bowl on the table and crunched into it nervously. From off to your left, you could here the stone door grind open, the measured footsteps that followed unmistakable.

“Shit,” you hissed under your breath.

“What?” Jazz looked up from her apple. “Shit. Do you think it's too late to make a run for it?”

You peeked over the top of your papers, “Yeah, he's coming this way.”

“Okay,” Jaz said. “You can do this! Just dig up those feelings and talk about your problems! Or something…”

“Why do I take relationship advice from you again?” You sighed.

“I'm an expert, remember? I read a book once!” Jaz beamed. “I'm right behind you, okay?”

“Thanks Jaz,” you grumbled under your breath.

“What was that?” Strange said as he walked up to your table, two coffee cups clutched in his hands.

“Nothing,” you said hurriedly. “What's up?”

“Nothing much,” Strange laughed. “I just went down to New York for a cup of coffee.”

“Damn, that must've been one good cup of coffee,” you giggled nervously.

“I mean it was more like motor oil than coffee, but it got me going,” he shrugged.

“Are you sure you went to a coffee shop and not a gas station?” You laughed.

“It was past midnight when I got there,” Strange sighed. “The only place open was the tiny twenty-four hour shop near the hospital I used to work at.”

“Aww that sounds so sweet!”

“They've got the worst coffee on that side of the Mississippi,” Strange grinned fondly. “Oh that reminds me! I got you something.” Strange grinned, holding out one of the coffee cups.

You eyed him suspiciously, “If that's diesel-”

“What? No, this is safe!” He turned his hand so you could see the label. “It's just Starbucks.”

You grabbed the cup and took a sip, “Is this a white chocolate macchiato?”

“Well you said they were your favorite,” Stephen grinned. “And you said Jaz likes black coffee, right?”

Jaz grinned as Strange handed her the cup, “Kissing up to her friends already? I like you.” She took a sip of her coffee and turned to you, her smile even wider, “Can we keep him?”

“Jaz, don't make him uncomfortable! We went on one date!”

“Actually, I was wondering if we could-uh-talk about that,” Strange said.

His eyes darted over to Jaz for half a second and she stood up, gathering her stack of papers, “I’ll give you two some privacy.”

So much for having my back, you thought as she disappeared in a flurry of skirts and scarves. Strange settled in Jaz’s chair and smiled at you nervously. You clutched your coffee cup a little tighter, your palms starting to sweat. “So...what did you want to talk about?”

“Well...I had a really good time last night,” Strange said quietly.

“I did too!” You smiled, loosening your grip on the cup when you realized it was beginning to crumple in your hands.

“So I wanted to say that I'm sorry for the way I left things off at the end.”

“What are you talking about? You didn't do anything wrong!”

“Thanks for trying, y/n, but Jaz told me you were...disappointed about the whole thing.”

“Traitor,” you muttered under your breath. When did she even find the time to tell him? “It's fine. Don't worry about it.”

“No, it's not,” Steven sighed, fiddling with the hem of his robe. “I wanted to...apologize because my heart wasn't completely in it.”

“Wh-what?” You stammered, your stomach plummeting.

“It's not what you think. I do like you, but-” he stopped suddenly, his gaze distant. “I've never really been close to anyone before. At first I didn't want to be, then I didn't have the time, then...I don’t know. It was just too late.” He turned back to you, inhaling sharply, “Anyway, I know I'm not too great at the whole relationship thing-”

“Don't worry about it,” you cut in.

“Wait, what?”

“It's not a race,” you laughed. “We’ll go slow for now, and if you need to call it quits, I’ll understand.”

“You're amazing,” Stephen grinned.

“I try,” you said, tossing your hair jauntily over your shoulder. From the corner of your eye, you could see one of Jaz’s neon scarves peeking out from around an over-sized armchair. “Jaz, you can come out of hiding now,” you called.

She stood and straightened her clothes, “Hey, I said I would be right behind you.”

You shook your head and laughed, “I still can't believe you told him.”

“Considering the way things would've turned out, we should be thanking her,” Strange snorted.

“Don't you think you're giving her a little too much credit?”

“No he's not,” Jaz cried. “I'm the glue holding this relationship together.”

“Look what you did!” You laughed. “We’ll never be able to get rid of her.”

“That’s unlikely. If I have to go through all this again, my head’s going to explode,” Jaz said, rolling her eyes. You could here Strange laughing under his breath and slapped him on the shoulder, hiding your smirk behind your hand. I could get used to this.

**************************************

It was your birthday a few weeks later. Even though you told him you weren't expecting anything, Strange insisted on taking you out for dinner.

“I still don't understand why I have to wear a blindfold,” you complained, taking a few shuffle steps forward.

“I told you I we were taking a portal out somewhere special,” Strange sighed, making sure you kept your hands off of the blindfold.

“If ‘somewhere special’ happens to be over the mouth of an active volcano, we’re going to have a problem,” you said, waving your arms threateningly.

“Hey, don't take my head off!” Strange laughed. He patted you on the shoulder, “Alright, take another step forward and then take your blindfold off.”

Grumbling, you took a step forward, feeling the familiar, energetic buzz of the portal. On the other side, you could feel your feet sinking slightly into the ground, the smell of seaweed and briny water wafting through the air. You ripped off your blindfold and took in waves as they surged beneath the dark sky.

“Do you like it?” Strange said quietly. He'd managed to sneak up behind you.

“Yeah...is this Long Beach?” You said.

“Yeah,” Strange grinned. “It took me forever to find a good spot.” He grabbed your hand and pulled you a further from the shore, “C’mon let's sit down.” He led you over to a little gazebo that you hadn't even noticed when you arrived. You could see a couple chairs and a table with some candles and covered dishes set up inside the little hut. “I know it's not snow cones at the boardwalk, but I thought watching the sunrise together would be a close second.”

“It's perfect,” you said, pulling him into a hug.

“I'm glad you like it,” he said, pulling away. He rushed over to your seat and pulled your chair out for you, “I was worried you'd think it was too much!” He rambled. “I know you said you didn't really want anything, but I thought I'd make today special and-”

You threw your arms around his neck and kissed him, silencing his frenzied speech. You pulled away and smiled, “It's the best surprise anyone’s ever given me.”

He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and laughed, “Well I have no idea how I'm going to out do this when we hit our anniversary.”

“Anniversary?” You arched an eyebrow, “So I'm guessing you want to stick around for a while.”

“There's nothing else I want more,” he murmured, pulling you in for another kiss.

  **************************************

A/N: And that’s about it for this series! Thanks to G for all her help and our lovely anon for their prompt. I can’t wait to see what’s next (now that it’s summer, I have no excuse for not posting!). ~A

Tags: @17marvelousfreak, @posiemax, @newhappiness430

[fbe7784-blog]

A Road Story; or, Satori in Wisconsin

Seven seven eighty-four. Thirty-five years on and it still rates as the momentous experience in my life. Certainly it never crossed my mind as we piled into Boisson’s Chevette to head for the Ticketron outlet that I’d still remember that day; it was a pretty astounding twenty-four hours, and I’ve probably been trying to figure out what exactly happened ever since.

In classic fashion, we (Mike, Kent, and myself) left without tickets, camping gear, sustenance, and, as it turned out, a bowl. At least we had money enough for lawn seats and doses. We made a quick stop to see if our friend Ben wanted to come along (which he did, leaving a note on the fridge: “Mom-- went to see the Dead. Be back later”), and then we were off to Southlake Mall for the tickets. Later on I would discover how easy we’d had it, walking in the day of the show and getting four tickets for $40 or so, but at that time it was just another errand. As I recall we stopped off at Hegewisch Records too, but we didn’t have enough cash for even the cheapest paraphernalia (why no papers? you ask; I have no idea). I recall the sun shining in a bright blue sky, tunes on the deck, and the summer air blowing through the windows as we made our way out of Indiana, around Chicago, through Illinois and into Wisconsin: a thoroughly uneventful trip to Alpine Valley. Along the way, we tried to work around our lack of an implement using the car’s cigarette lighter as a modified chillum with a decided lack of success. No matter though, it would all work out.

Arrival at the venue proved mind-boggling. From the instant we drove into the lot I felt a very real sense of dropping through a trap door into an alternate or parallel world, truly terra incognita. I mean, I’d seen a few longhairs and stereotypical potheads, but never this kind of display-- it was like stumbling onto some hidden alien hideout, with a mix of bikers and frat boys, Renn Faire extras and Computer Lab weirdoes, fools and fakirs, cowboys, grits, and hippies straight out of Central Casting. I distinctly remember gawking at one freak merrily bopping along the lane between parking areas and his extremely amused reaction to my open-mouthed staring: he shook his head with a grinning laugh and wagged his finger at me as he sing-song-ed “You don’t know what’s going to happen!” He had my number.

We finally parked and in the first bit of weirdness discovered that we were right next to friends of mine from Earlham College: Kevin, Marti, and oddly enough Matt, with whom I had done the “New Wave and Punk” radio program my freshman year. I think Blind Bob was with them too. A completely unplanned happening and a total surprise! Introductions all around, cold Wiedeman’s handed out, and attempts at orientation made. We had parked in the front lot, fairly close to the theater’s entrance, and it was a pretty lively scene; lots of vending and general hustle and bustle going on. I turned around and Mike handed me two hits of Red Saucer bought from a passer-by (“fresh dipped, three days outta’ Berkeley, man!”), some for K and B and we were set-- down the hatch and here we go!

The first waves started as I sat on the front bumper of my friends’ car, watching the continual flow of people headed to the show. I became aware of a non-stop susurrus as all the beautiful hippie women drifted by and then a slight echo or ebbing and flowing of white noise from the sounds of voices calling greetings or advertising wares; I felt illogical movements throughout my body like I was inflating and respiring in a rhythm that was picked up and repeated by everyone and everything I looked at. I found myself unable to speak and quick check of my traveling companions found them equally stymied in that capacity. My older/wiser college friends laughed their asses off as I tried to explain in some sort of lobotomized, molasses-covered mime language to a wandering sticker-saleswoman that, in fact, I had no money and would be unable to purchase her wares. She was considerably less amused.

The flow of people toward the gates had increased and it became almost synchronized, like some sort of huge Busby Berkeley number, or a Fleischer Brothers cartoon in vivid pulsing colors. I looked in the direction of the gates and was amazed to see a dome-like dark purple glow emanating from just beyond the fence, as if some huge extra-terrestrial craft had descended, pulling the earth towards its base, and now, as my more mobile friends assured me, it was time for us to enter that dome. A crush of bodies as we got nearer, a rush of babel and laughter and flashes and flickers of faces and feet, a whirring tempest of flesh and sweat and teeth, and still the inhalation and exhalation of all creation keeping pace with mine, increasing until they were indistinguishable and then suddenly we were through the turnstiles and onto the cool humid grass sloping down towards the stage.

There’s a definite feeling that’s unique to the lawn at Alpine. It’s hard to pin down with just words, but my memory of it is always the rustling paper buzz of cicadas, the stillness of the air as it darkens with twilight, heavy with midsummer moisture, and a permeating vapor of organics, the bubbling smells of mushrooms and bark and leaves. That great stretch of lawn, dotted with blankets and, yes, even picnic baskets and coolers, conversation volumes bouncing between raucous jubilation and whispering anticipation, and again the distant sound of little bells and bare feet whisking through the grass. There are fireflies in my memory but they probably didn’t come out until later. Lots of people didn’t like the venue for various reasons but I’ve got nothing but great memories of the place and the various shows I saw there. It really is a special place.

We finally sat down in a spot about halfway down the slope and now the first really big wave arrived. The angle of the hill seemed to increase dramatically, and the cheerfully echoing tintinnabulation morphed into the ceaseless brass clangor of a thousand temple gongs. Everything outside of a ten-foot radius began to smear slightly as friends and neighbors passed in and out of sight. The initial strangeness of the other attendees began to manifest in the occasional extra eyeball or an odd lizard-like tail. It was getting more and more difficult to keep standing and I distinctly remember a bug-eyed Ben crawling across the grass toward me asking the eternal acid question: “what... is... going... on?” I hadn’t really thought about that, and now it seemed like a fairly important thing to figure out. I glanced around and discovered we were surrounded by nothing but bikers and this fully and truly freaked-out my Sex Pistols t-shirt-wearing self so I had to lie down with my eyes closed to ride out what I was sure would be an inevitable stomping. The “Great A-Horr” as Keyz put it, I think. So, I rode it out. Full on, full-blown mind-manifesting trip through the internal galaxy, visiting a dozen past and future selves, discovering that they were actually the beings sitting next to me, the eternal connection to the infernal and divine all right there with me inside a glowing purple sphere spinning somewhere out on the very farthest shores of my own personal Big Bang. Eventually the maelstrom of psychic winds began to ease a bit and I felt considerably more relaxed, my spine unknotting itself a bit, fingers and toes uncurling. Breathing for what seemed like the first time in ages.

I opened my eyes and announced that I was now ready for the show to start. Near universal guffaws informed me that I’d missed the whole first set, and so, fairly unfazed by this I set off in search of the bathroom. That trek was wild and wooly (and a great tale in its own right) but was successfully completed and somehow I managed to make my way back to my friends to compare notes. Still not a lot of verbal skills among us but all seemed well and we relaxed, drew deep breaths, and plummeted into set two as the twilight turned to darkness.

Nothing particularly special on paper, the second set contained music I was familiar enough with as well as unfamiliar variations that opened door after door, revealing unimagined vistas and possibilities. Some pieces imprinted deeply and became part and parcel of how I understand myself, like the darkness and betrayal of ‘Cold Rain and Snow’ or the regrets and redemption of ‘Brokedown Palace.’ Other sequences simply tore away at my expectations for musical performance, vigorously demonstrating the deep value of opening oneself to what was happening at every moment, letting go and being fully ex stasis.

The combination of the blotters, the music (and christ on a crutch! can you ever forget how that sound system could move every tone through your whole body, vibrating the spaces between your cells), and the very real manifestation of the crowd’s energy all catalyzed in the great, green alembic of Alpine Valley. It seemed that we had truly left life behind in the gravel of the parking lot, that there would be no returning, so best now release your grip and to dive into the heart of the cauldron. I remember that Candace’s lights carved the pillars and trusses and roof of the pavilion into twisting Aztec temple walls filled with mystic flowers and then gaunt, electric caryatids of Gothic saints, then a full illuminated medieval bestiary of day-glo dragons and falcons, and a sudden molten eruption like Rodin’s Gates of Hell before flickering back into ordinary steel and wood as the music drove us further and further out of bounds.

At one point, it sounded as if the gears of the universe were being forcibly stopped, a deep, dangerous grinding and screeching that shook away what was left of the ground below us, gargantuan cable tethers thrumming with the strain. Then shuddering stars shot beams of light catching bits and pieces of the people surging around me, writhing and melting against each other, turning into literal waves washing back and forth, up and down the hill, crashing against the white hot engine on stage, rushing back again and again, a bubbling witches’ brew into which I dis-incorporated and then reformed over and over until with one last massive exhalation it all became Alpine Valley again-- still vibrating to be sure, the grass seething with garter snakes of energy, rippling quicksilver just escaping from the periphery of my vision-- but actually back on earth; speechless, agog, poleaxed by the enormity of the trip-- mama, mama, many worlds I’ve come since I first left home.

We slowly slogged and stumbled up the hill, still seeming impossibly steep, and eventually got back to the lot and our car. The air filled with the smell of gunpowder, beer, and cooking food, the high- pressure sodium lights giving everything an odd sheen. Fireworks arced and exploded randomly everywhere as we cooled off with beer and little watermelon. Kevin gave me a fraternal shoulder punch and asked: So whatcha’ think? All I could summon was a shaky “Wow.” I compared notes with Kent, but mostly we were kinda’ speechless still. The facility staff didn’t seem to have any intention of making anyone leave, and things carried on into the night as the lights were turned off and the hooting continued. It took a little doing but we managed to convince Mike that he should not attempt the drive home and we made do with what crashing space we could find in the car, waking with the dawn to figure out which way to go.

I had experienced all the parts of that day at separate times, or in partial combination, but none of it, nothing at all had prepared me for seeing the Elephant.  Haven’t quite figured out what he told me, but I’m working on it.