#I take medication now for my depression but as of tonight I'm wondering if I need to up the mg because I'm feeling low again

[angelisgonnastartchangingurls]

alicia

annie had a standing appointment with julia now, a weekly facetime call that was more or less therapy. it seemed clear to annie that julia was suffering from depression, but julia refused to see it at first.

annie found the conversations grueling, as julia was trained enough to evade everything annie wanted to get at. she took to walking down the street to a bar after every call and getting drunk by herself.

she was two drinks in one evening when a pretty girl sat next to her. her name was alicia, and she had blonde hair with pink streaks and very white teeth and seemed almost cartoonishly chirpy, but was also very direct about her flirtation. she told annie she thought she was really hot. annie observed to herself that they had a very similar body type -- thin and tall but with big tits. of coirse, annie was brunette and pale and wore glasses and alicia was blonde and pink and tan - very californian, which was funny because she was a local gal, even had traces of the chicago accent--annie's family had been too upperclass to ever allow traces of such a thing. in elementary school annie had been mocked for her crisp diction by both her classmates and her teachers. that had stopped as soon as annie had grown tits, of course.

alicia very obviously wanted to fuck -- impatiently played with the drink annie bought her, and so when annie proposed they go somewhere, alicia took her immediately back to her apartment, where they had a far-better-than-average makeout session on her couch.

"do you always fuck girls?" annie asked her.

"no," alicia said. "rarely, honestly, but i promise i'm good at it. you?"

"very rarely," annie said. "i'm better at sucking cock."

"hot," alicia said. "you're a slut."

"yeah," annie said.

they moved to alicia's pink bed and got naked. alicia was shaved, and squirmed and thrusted hard against annie's hand while she fingered her. she was so active and exciting in bed that they quickly moved through a few positions. annie was surprised how fast her first and second orgasms came.

alicia was on top of annie when her speech began to slur in a way that was immediately alarming.

annie's medical training clicked in and she told alicia calmly "i think you are having a stroke."

alicia did not seem to comprehend.

annie moved her down on the bed and got her phone from her dress and called 911. she spoke very calmly with the operator who connected her to a doctor as the ambulance departed. the man on the phone immediately clocked that annie was a doctor. she was still on the phone with him keeping alicia in a recovery position when the EMTs came in. annie had not really even considered that they were both completely naked until one of the EMTs offered her a blanket.

later, annie wondered if that was a standard part of the kit they brought in when they knew something like this had happened during sex. she tried to figure out who in her friend group would be the best to ask.

when alicia was gone, in an ambulance, annie got dressed and wondered what to do. she heard a phone ringing and realized with a start that alicia's phone hadn't gone with her. she answered it.

"hello?"

"hey, ali?" said a friendly voice.

"no, uh, no..." annie said. "hi, um, my name is annie ellison, i was here with alicia tonight and... who is this?"

"this is her brother tom,"

"ok great, uh tom, i think she had a stroke--"

"is she okay?"

"i'm not sure. i kept her stabile until the paramedics got here but it seemed pretty serious i--"

"stable? are you a doctor?" it was a little sarcastic, a little edgy.

"yes," annie said.

"oh," he said. "wait, but you called 911? why were you there?"

"i was having sex with her, um, at the time?" annie offered.

"oh, jeez, okay, wow, yeah, so has alicia told you about her condition?"

"condition?"

"alicia has a neurological disorder. this has happened before."

"oh god, okay."

"yeah, stay calm, she should be OK," he said. "listen, i guess, keep her phone on you. i will get in touch with my parents and we'll take it from here but i will keep you in the loop."

annie went home bewildered. robbie was up. he had a girl over, she was asleep naked in their bed. they sat together and she told him all about it. he asked if she needed anything and she laughed and said, "i kind of want to cum?" robbie pulled her into his lap and fingered her until she came. annie slept on the couch that night. in the morning, she woke to the sound of robbie and the girl fucking in the next room.

she came out a few minutes later, a skinny, cute girl in her early 20s, fully shaved, robbie's cum all over her tits and stomach. she was annie sitting on the couch and said, "oh hey! are you robbie's sister?"

"yeah, hi!" annie said.

"nice to meet you, he says you're like, so cool," she said.

"robbie is a sweet boy," annie said.

"sorry about being naked and covered in his cum though," the girl laughed. "i'm casey by the way."

"well that is totally fine, casey, we are pretty open around here."

"i love that," she said, as robbie wandered into the room wet cock dangling. "my parents definitely taught me that sex and nudity are natural."

"you ever see your parents fuck?" annie asked.

casey laughed. "yes actually. they have sex in our hot tub a lot and like, i'll look out the window into the backyard and see my dad railing my mom. it's kind of sweet, right?"

"that is kind of sweet."

"and my dad is very well hung so i am always looking for boys like robbie," casey continued.

"you're so little," annie said. "doesn't it like destroy you?"

"well, that's the goal, right?" casey laughed. "who doesn't want to be fucked to death?"

"oh man, too soon," robbie said.

"what?" casey said.

annie told casey about the alicia situations. her mouth dropped.

"okay i am soooo sorry," she said.

"it's fine," annie laughed. "it was just really weird."

she realized she hadn't checked alicia's phone in a while. there was a missed call from tom. annie was able to call him back from the home screen.

"hi, is this dr. ellison?" he said.

"yes. you can call me annie, though."

"hi annie. okay, so alicia is in a coma."

"oh fuck."

"no, that's okay. like i said, this has happened before, she was in a coma for 6 months when she was 17."

"wow."

"so yeah, she is stable, they think she'll come out of it gradually... she's going to live."

"i'm so glad to ear that," annie said.

from the kitchen, cleaning cum off of herself with a paper towel, casey gave an excited thumbs up.

"this is going to sound weird but my parents want to make you dinner." he said.

"um?"

"they are just really grateful that you were there with alicia. if you weren't, who knows what might have happened."

"tom, just so you know, like... i met alicia at a bar like an hour before we fucked. it was a very casual hookup."

"i get it," he said. "they do too. alicia has never been the long term relationship type. they just want to meet you."

he gave her a date and an address. annie hung up. "they want to meet me."

"you're a hero," casey chirped from the kitchen.

"yeah, totally," robbie said. casey giggled and grabbed his cock.

[the-cookie-of-doom]

for a while now, I've really been doubting my career choices with nursing. I know a lot of it is burn out and depression, and being so overwhelmed between work, school, and clinical, that I didn't have time to breathe. I was in the hospital/on campus for 60 hours a week last semester, and that's not counting the time I had to study outside of that. It was awful. I quit my job because of it, I was almost involuntarily committed because of it.

But the scariest part for me has been how much I've hated clinical. It makes me miserable. And that's terrifying, because once I graduate? That's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. So if I already hate it now, what does that mean for my future?

Sometimes, though... Sometimes I'll have a clinical that is just so good, it reminds me of why I'm doing this. Why I'm putting myself through the pain and suffering of becoming a nurse, which is honestly one of the hardest careers a person can have. It's mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. It destroys your body and your mental health. Most of the time it's thankless. It doesn't pay nearly enough for what we go through.

Despite all of the reasons there are not to become a nurse, there are some patients that will remind you why it's all worth it anyway.

Last week, I had a crotchety old bitch of a patient. She had been in the hospital for 10 days, was refusing all of her treatments, screamed at anyone that came in her room, and demanded dilaudid around the clock, despite having no injuries to justify it. Everyone hated her. Her own nurses went in her room as little as possible; I think in the entire 12 hours I was there, her nurse spent maybe a total of 20 minutes in her room. I was in there for hours. A couple minutes at a time in the beginning just so she could warm up to me. Then I spent 2 straight hours at her bedside just talking to her. Letting her tell me her life story. Which was tragic, of course, and no wonder she was so run down and bitter and wanted to get high off narcotics. She was miserable, lonely, and in chronic pain from a body that was deteriorating around her.

So I spent as much time with her as possible. Sure enough, she didn't ask me for any pain medications a single time, once she realized she could trust I was going to look after her. I Explained her medications and her treatments, and the reasoning behind them. I offered to reach out to out chaplain when I noticed she was hyper focused on some televangical broadcast. I got her to call her son to come visit her. I got her to agree to take her medications and allow us to take blood sample for her labs, which were days overdue. I got her up and working with physical therapy so she could start walking again.

By the end of the day, that patient loved me. Not a single complaint all day, she wasn't screaming down the halls and cursing everyone's existence. She was still crotchety and mean in that way old hillbillies are, but she wasn't angry. She wasn't lashing out. She was finally being cooperative. All because I took the time to talk to her and offer her company.

Tonight, I had a shift in our mental health unit. There was a patient who I noticed was very withdrawn and avoiding everyone, mostly just standing in a corner at the end of the hall, by a window. I went down and talked to him. Kind of stilted at first, but slowly he opened up to me. I really only meant to talk for a few minutes, mostly for my own sake, to get used to interacting with mental health patients like this.

Instead, we talked for hours. Nearly 3 hours straight at the start of the day alone, and then more throughout the day. My feet were killing me by the end of it, but it was completely worth it to see the way this poor guy came to life. We talked about everything from social topics like music and movies, to his medications and treatments, and how to manage his depression once he leaves. Something I was able to connect with him about on a personal level in a way his nurse hadn't, because I've been living with depression for a decade, I've been on antidepressants, and I understand. I think that was the point it clicked for him, when he really started reaching out to me, instead of answering when I prompted him. Because humans need connection and understanding.

By the end of the day he was talking freely and smiling nearly non-stop. We'd made plans for him to get back into an old hobby he hadn't touched in years, and he seemed genuinely excited to start it back up again. He was nearly bouncing in place when I went to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and thanked me for talking to him all day. Even the staff nurses noticed the way his demeanor had completely changed.

Another patient (my actual patient for the night) started the day very combative. To the point she had to be redirected to her room (not locked up, just strongly encouraged to go and cool down). She was screaming at everyone, having some very serious and severe delusions. Same story; I talked to her throughout the day, little bits whenever she was feeling calm. I noticed she had a tattoo from an old semi-niche XBox game I used to play, and we bonded over that. By the end of the shift she loved me. Kept asking me if I'd gotten lunch/dinner, made sure all the other patients on the unit got their snacks, told us all to get some rest once it was curfew for the unit (we had to stay another 2 hours) and said we could use the spare bed in her room if we needed. Which sounds really weird but coming from her was incredibly sweet. Again, total attitude change.

I am very cognizant of the fact that the way I approach my patient care is largely a privilege of still being a student. It's easy for me to stand at a patient's bedside for 2 hours straight and listen to her life story when I have nothing better to do, let alone 3 other patients to take care of. But that nurse didn't talk to her at all. Even when she was in the room, she dismissed everything the patient said. The mental health nurses? Most of their time is spent in the nursing station gossiping and messing on their phones. There's no reason for them not to put in the extra effort of spending time with their patients. And especially there, it can have such an impact.

All of that is to say, I love the relationships I'm able to build with my patients. It's so important for me to be able to connect with people like this, to make them feel seen and cared for and important. No one wants to be treated like an inconvenience, especially not while they're in the hospital, sick and hurt and exhausted and in pain.

Nights like these are why I'm going into this field. I love medicine and I always knew I would end up in the hospital, I've always wanted to be able to save someone's life. But I think now that I've grown up and I'm actually working with these patients, I've come to see not only how rewarding it is to save someone's life, but to nurture that life, too.

[dionysus-is-my-dude]

i need my doctor to make a detailed list of foods that are SAFE for me. That includes stuff that i'm not all-of-a-sudden allergic to, less gluten, less dairy, nothing to cause inflammation, and whatever's going on right now with all this heartburn (gerd or a hernia are my two guesses)

it truly is no wonder i'm always depressed. it's fricking exhausting mentally and physically to ALWAYS be in pain and then for my body to just WORSE AND WORSE. I hope to hear from my doctor first thing in the morning about if we need to bring me in to get tests run or if she can tell me, "yes, take omeprazole", or a list of foods that won't DESTROY ME. i am so TIRED of feeling sick all the time. my body feels like it is tearing itself apart from the inside. is it because of the bout of covid i had last year? cuz it was one thing to have colds a lot from stress lowering my immune system. it's another thing entirely to have OLD chronic illnesses get WORSE while NEW chronic issues pop up seemingly every month. I'm calling the Disability office tomorrow, just to check on what they're doing and, i don't know, see about speeding things up.

my chest hurts so bad it's taking my breath away and making me feel dizzy. the stress of the pain is definitely not helping, but i've already taken so much medication today, i'm afraid to add more. i'm just gonna prop my top half up in bed and try to sleep. i've just taken yet another dose of tums, so let's hope it at least allows me to sleep for a good while. i'll set my alarm early and go straight to the drugstore to pick up some meds that i used last time i got heartburn that wouldn't go away. hopefully i get a response from my doctor's office early tomorrow, too. i'm genuinely just hoping i can sleep at all tonight. Please, my gracious Lords Apollo and Hypnos, grant me medical peace so that I may have a good night's rest and wake up feeling better. I beg of you.

[journeywithmorphinejournal]

It’s becoming harder and harder not to go to my cocktail of opioids and Benzos. I’ve been holding considerable reasonable with weed and the amount of benzos prescribed by my doctor, nothing more than that. Unfortunately, today seems that it will be impossible to resist. I can see in my mind myself going to my secret space on my shelf and popping at least 3 pills of each and then going to bed, putting on a good playlist and waiting to feel good, trying to not sleep just to feel better. I think I will need something more than my prescribed medication to be able to sleep

Tonight because I took 90mg of Adderall during the day and I feel so awake and focused. I thought that would help me to work but I focused on the wrong things and restored my PC and reorganized my desk and my laptop. Now I'm on the couch, wondering about going to get the pills, imagining how I'm gonna feel, if I will feel relief or guilt, or maybe both, or if I just smoke a joint and think later about the pills. I wish I had something to drink.

I was thinking that the last time I smoked so

Much weed I ended on 51/50 thinking that when I looked in the mirror I was not real. I am afraid but There's nothing I can do, this depression got me for real.

Resisting the allure of my cocktail of opioids and Benzos is getting increasingly challenging. I’ve been managing reasonably with weed and the prescribed benzos, sticking to my doctor’s recommendations. Today, though, the temptation seems insurmountable. I envision myself reaching my secret spot on the shelf, taking at least three pills of each, and retreating to bed with a comforting playlist, yearning for that elusive sense of well-being, almost willing myself not to sleep just to feel better.

Tonight, the prescribed medication might not be enough, especially after consuming 90mg of Adderall. The day left me wide awake and focused on the wrong tasks, like reorganizing my desk and the arquives on my laptop.

Now, I sit on the couch, contemplating the pills, wondering about the mix of relief and guilt they might bring, or if a joint could suffice, delaying the decision. A drink would be nice right now.

Recalling the last time I indulged in too much weed, I ended up in a 51/50 situation, convinced that when I looked in the mirror, I wasn’t real. Fear lingers, but in the grip of this relentless depression, I feel helpless.

[supernovafeather]

What A Night

Nathan Bateman x F!Reader

Content : alcohol consumption (Nathan), medication side effect (reader is high), mutual pining, sexual innuendo, angst, fluff, language.

Please comment and reblog if you liked ! 😊

Who is the most wasted between you and Nathan ? That is an excellent question. Maybe you seeing imaginary things after ingesting some cough syrup, or him after a certain amount of wine.

"Oh no it's all over the wall." You whisper with your eyes wide open.

"What the fuck are you on about." He mumbles.

You slide down from the sofa to sit on the ground, watching the beautiful greenish lights dancing on the white paint.

"It's the wall, on the wall."

It's wonderful to witness such an incredible view. Nathan really has a magnificent taste in architecture and decoration.

"Yeah that's some paint." He sighs while pinching the bridge of his nose. "Bring your ass back onto the couch you're going to get cold."

Nathan hates how good it makes him feel to guide you. Too much serotonin from knowing he's able to protect you from small dangers like aggravating your flu. It's useless you have all the medication necessary.

"No. The wall is a green waterfall. It splashes."

"No it's not. It's a white wall."

"Oh. No. Green is green you know."

The CEO needs to close an eye to watch you crawling towards the object of your attention. You're a pain in the ass most of the time but he has to admit that it's not every day that he can see you in such a position, kneeling in your pajamas with your buttocks hugged by your pants as you tap here and there on the paint.

"Look at me I'm getting splashed."

Is alcohol responsible for his tired whistling laugh ? Himself can't answer but tonight is such a chaos that he can't help it. Everything is so absurd after fifteen hours of non-stop work. He does think it's better than any sex he could have with you if one day you agreed to land on his bed.

"Look at us, the elite wasted for completely different reasons. You victim of unwanted secondary effects whilst I'm too drunk because I'm done with everything."

Shit that's depressing. Fortunately he doesn't have to acknowledge the little tear running down his cheek as you start to knock here and there on the wall, now sitting with your legs crossed.

"Hello ? Hello ?" You say out loud with a slurred voice. "Is the yellow one in there ?"

"Come back here you, I don't pay you to destroy my wall, I pay you to... Oh fuck no that doesn't work because you wouldn't be working. Well... still. Come here."

"I'm getting splashed Nathan."

"Oh ok so there's no problem you can start a new career in porn I guess. I'm going to be your agent."

You start to knock harder and this time he stands up, his feet trying to find some balance as the whole world turns upside down. Somehow he crashes into that same wall attracting you so much and still manages to sit next to you, his eyes closed as vertigo keeps on destabilizing his senses.

"Oh. You're there. Hello."

"Fuck I swear if I can't get up again I'm going to make you eat that wall."

"It's too splashing for that. I should drink it."

He is fast enough to grab your hair and pull on it as you were getting ready to lick the paint, and you don't fight back as you fall onto your back with a terrorized scream that irritates him.

"Shut up shut up shut up I swear to whatever god, djinn or I don't know what that if you don't stop screaming I don't know what I'm going to do." He groans.

"Now the ceiling is a beautiful bird." You say peacefully. "Am I a dove Nathan ? Am I your ceiling ?"

He's already out of the room before he could let his drunk state make something he'd regret for all his life.

"Of course you're a dove." He mumbles to himself as he tries to fill his glass in the sink. "Dove. Beautiful but taking a shit on everything around you just because you can. Never able to let people work in peace like you should."

You are too similar to him and he hates that. Do you have any idea how infuriating you are and how worse it got now that you follow him everywhere without much apprehension ? It's terrifying to have you around all the time. You even laugh at his jokes now. What a world.

Nathan sighs as he hears something on the floor. It should be comical to have such a prick like you crawling to his feet. He could let his megalomaniac side showing as you grab his ankle. But instead he only refills his glass to rehydrate his body.

"Nathan. It was green I swear." You whine before resting your forehead onto his hip.

"How can you be so pathetic."

"Uh ?"

He hates you. Oh how much he hates you for what you can do. A loose canon in the technology industry is one thing, but a loose canon in both this and his life is too much. Attachment is hard to express. Desire is simple. But no of course no it can't be easy. Of course not.

"But... but it was green." You mumble as he feels your hot breath through his pants. "Green... I don't make that up."

He refills his glass, his teeth clenched as you keep on mumbling random stuff against him. Now he hates that you make him more aware of what's around him. You should stop being so useful and unnerving around him.

"Oooh. Thighs."

"Yeah. That happens that humans have some. Two in general." He states as he ponders whether or not to take another glass. "You should know it if you were not crawling like a baby."

"Am I your baby ?" You laugh. "Oh but babies have thighs too. You lost Nathan."

"I'm drunk leave me the fuck alone."

The man looks down at you as you slide on your buttocks to press your back against the counter. It must be as rare as for him to see such a sad expression on your face.

"Sorry."

"Damn it, you learned politeness rules uh ? What's your next step, trying to teach me some ?"

His nerves are cracking as you start whining about how sorry you are. No you shouldn't say you're sorry it's impossible for you, you are like him. If you manage to say sorry then the whole balance is destroyed. He knows he's fucked as he feels that bit of guilt in him.

"I'm sorry Nathan I thought you'd like the green wall because you wanted to experiment and it was curious and weird I'm so sorry and by the way you're an asshole not only me and just like me you know how to be polite and..."

You stop to breathe a bit, only to get stopped by his hands managing to get you up, only to crash together against the counter as he tries to balance the both of you. It's not his intent to press himself against you like that, it's legitimately to give himself some time to plan your incoming catastrophic journey back to the living room.

"Come here." He grunts as he pulls you with him.

"YAY !"

You are a giggling mess once face against the couch and stranded there. He doesn't get why but at least it's a nice change. Always there to correct him, taunt him, provoke him with your stupid arguments. At least this time you're not hot and just looking stupid.

"Uh... now... uh..." he mumbles before rubbing his face. "Uh... oh shit why did you have to react like that to that crap ? It's just cough syrup."

"Uh oh I'm a troublemaker, oops, my bad for existing." You laugh.

Nathan bites his tongue not to say something nice to you, and is soon back on the couch, too tired to bother heading to his room. Now it's his turn to strand there hopelessly, letting alcohol dictate his slumber when to take him.

"Move your ass." He says as you sit up to press yourself against him. "No hug. No cuddle. Shut up."

"I prefer you than my laptop you know."

Now that's breathtaking and he can't hide his surprise as for once he tolerates you trespassing his personal space to rest your head on his shoulder.

"Damn. That's some confession right there. Ready to offer me chocolate for my birthday?"

"Oh fuck it I'd do nasty things."

"Oh ?"

"Kidding."

Nathan snorts to hide his disappointment and sighs once more as you do whatever you want. He thinks you are basically trying to put your legs on his while keeping your head on him but it fails miserably as you can't even lift them up. So in his wonderfully generous nature he helps you.

"Oh thank you Nathan. Nice. Really nice."

"Anyone would start some philosophical talk in your state and here you are saying bullshit."

"I know you like my bullshit. Otherwise you'd have tried to stop me seriously a long time ago."

"You see green shit on my walls. You're not normal."

"Thank you."

He does try to deflect your compliment and more specifically the nice feelings coming with it, but doesn't have to struggle much as you start snoring shortly after. It may not be an enjoyable sound, but the comfort it brings is strangely real.

- - -

Please comment and reblog if you liked ! 😊

@salome-c @stevenngrant @lavenderluna10 @one-hell-of-a-disappointment @dailyreverie @thecursivej @lady-targaryen @general-latino @harrys-tittie @laura-naruto-fan1998 @later-gators12

[thissugarcane]

qaf season 4 rewatch: 4x02

again, this is for my own plot-organization purposes, I expect little-to-no coherence or interest to most people. this is just me, organizing the episode notes scene-by-scene to eventually rewrite them. oh fanfic. the things I do for you.

4x02, I don't even remember what happens in this one.

first scene: darren in his apartment with justin

Darren's living room is fulll of his costumes and a sewing table, he's beat up, broken leg

justin is serving him a sandwich from the dining table, and Darren is making fun of Justin for not knowing gay film history

Darren's depressed because he might have a limp and is really quite cynical, Justin is trying Brian's "try not to think about it" and faking really well as Darren is talking to him (he's doing a really great job with Darren, but not with Brian later?)

next scene: michael at the diner with deb and ben

michael doesn't want to go to the fairy retreat

radical gay fairy gatherings, started by harry hay in the seventies?

Justin to Deb: Darren asked me to thank you for all the food you've sent him. Ben: How's he doing? Justin: I'm afraid it's gonna be a while before Shanda Lear appears in public again. Deb: At least he has one ray of sunshine in his life. Ben: Tell him we'll miss him at the Center tonight but we'll make sure this never happens again.

No wonder Justin did badly after the bashing, no one sees when he's falling apart.

Emmett shows up and guilts (?) Michael into coming with him by saying "I'm so grateful for your love and support"

next scene, Ted at group

ted making jokes about cleaning his condo, and then seriously: thinking about where he should be

Blake is smiling sweetly and also awkward

Ted's suddenly optimistic (because of Blake's help, awww) even in the face of the negative nelly in group telling him (the truth, that) the world isn't the same one you left

next scene, brian and justin post-sex in the loft

Brian telling the head-hunter to go fuck themselves while justin's being flirty <3

head hunter offer: 2/3rds of his previous salary, a lesser title and no profit sharing until the 5th year

Justin's still worried about Brian's situation, and Brian's very sincere when he says "what's one more [risk]? besides. if I don't do this now, I never will." brian knows he might as well risk everything because he's got nothing left to lose except Justin -- he was already willing to sell the loft.

next scene, michael and emmett showing up at the fairy retreat

emmett: "haven't been a virgin since I was fifteen."

Michael's "what's a yurt?" is hilarious.

next scene: brian pitching to the sex store on liberty

the store's name: Slings and Eros.

the owner (manager?) "I adore makeovers, but our ad budget is only $200 a month."

Brian: "great, then we'll run a lean campaign. no fat." then he looks so in pain.

next scene: rehab with Blake and Ted

Ted saying "he doesn't bother me" but Blake does say basically "be cautious, people will need time, you and your friends."

Ted wants to "give you a call, strictly on a professional basis" and Blake responds "or just to say hello". They are so sweet.

Oh jeez, the Eels in this scene is so painful. :/ Ted really does transform as much or more as everyone else in this show.

next scene: cynthia showing up at the loft while Justin is there to show Brian the remson campaign

She actually took the boards for Remson from Vangard. She really does have steel balls

Remson Pharmaceuticals was Brian's "last campaign".

The pill: "it also reduces your viral load" - and that's when Justin is interested.

Cynthia: "Vance is taking your idea and pitching it to Remson tomorrow." So Brian has 24 hours to come up with this pitch.

[Damnit, originally I wrote the remson pitch to be post-surgery because it's Brian talking about anti-nausea medication and how pukey he feels, but it's too close to the beginning of this episode to work? Maybe push this back a few weeks and he's recovering from surgery? That might work?]

Justin: So come up with another idea. Cynthia immediately says she'll come work with him again. Justin: It's not the size that matters, it's the vision.

Next scene: at the fairy retreat

I love that both Michael and Emmett are skeptical of this

and then immediately Michael is flirty

Also, so, okay, wouldn't naked volleyball be a little painful for one's dick?

next scene: at the centre meeting about the bashing (oh god)

there on behalf of the board: Ben and Mel (standing) and Lindsay (not lindsay, she's in the audience) and two others (?) at the table. a guy to the left, a blonde woman (?) in the middle, and someone I can't see to the right. and at another table there's another bald guy behind them to stage right. (maybe board secretary?)

Deb: suggests more cops on the streets (what?). lindsay says petition the mayor. someone says "more lighting on side streets." someone says "whistles."

then cody from the back of the room stands up, "we protect ourselves".

justin is impressed (he's also sitting with Lindsay). He's mostly impressed with Cody pointing out that the law doesn't protect the queer community ("the law that says you can't get married?")

[note to self: when brian and justin argue about this, have someone who was at the meeting point out that if Justin really wants to help on a larger level he should go to fucking law school to fight back, not beat the shit out of people.]

Next scene, the diner: Deb, Mel and Lindsay sitting together, Justin (somewhere? sitting with Brian?) and Brian at the counter apparently.

deb, talking to mel and lindsay -- they caught the bashers

Justin's there, says "it was thanks to Darren's description" and that Darren is bloodthirsty.

Ted walks in, Deb is all ridiculous and they're all "hey ted!!" and then they're like, shit, small talk is hard and then they're like shit I need to leave.

Obviously as much as they're glad he's okay they don't want to actually talk to him.

Brian was sitting at the counter this whole time hahaha! this is where Brian says "you hit rock bottom with a resounding thud" and, then says "guess what? There's nowhere to go but up". aka Brian knows exactly that, because that's where Brian IS. (he hit bottom and has really, really felt it.)

next scene: the gym

brian pitching to Ript gym "cross pollination campaign with Torso, $200 bucks on clubwear there, 10% off here."

Ben and Hunter come in (they have memberships); Brian calls them "Batman and the new Robin" lolol. Ben's only reaction: "Better not tell the old Robin that." Brian looks genuinely glad to see the two of them honestly. He must like Ben.

Hunter to Brian: "You want to hook up in the steam room?" and Brian just laughs: "Yeah, he should fit in here just fine."

Hunter points to an antiviral campaign for "Ritacet" [not a real drug] and is like "why don't I just take that?" and Ben points out all the problems.

Ben: "That's not what HIV looks like. And the meds don't fix anything, they buy you time -- if they work. And then there are dozens of side effects, skin rashes, liver failure, cardiac arrest."

Brian: "Little early to be freaking the kid out, don't you think?"

Ben: "I just don't want him believing some misleading ad that makes it seem like all you have to do is just pop some pill and you're as good as new. Anybody who's taken one knows what a crock of shit that is."

And this is Brian's "aha" moment

next scene, in the woods at the fairy retreat while emmett is sitting by a stream looking vaguely laura ingells wilder?

gets offered a mushroom and white rabbit [no wait this is a remix I think] starts playing, lol, is he really going on a vision quest in the woods?

yes, yep, he is. wearing birkenstocks, wool socks, and a straw bonnet.

comes across someone.... building a fire pit? and meets an older guy also wearing a straw bonnet. lol, Emmett admitting he thinks it's all nonsense. they talk about renewing Emmett's flame, feeling better, being proud, etc.

next scene: Ted's condo

hey, Ted has a macbook pro! nice.

checking his email, it's all doctor crystal

he kept his crystal in the kitchen drawer? that's not sanitary for Emmett's party planning business.

knock on the door right before he's starting to use and it's Mel and Lindsay, they apologize for running out at the diner

they see the crystal on the counter and Mel is skeptical but still. Ted immediately denies he was tempted

Ted: "crunchy granola. Are you trying to convert me?" they ask him over for dinner

next scene, the pitch in (I guess) vangard's boardroom.

It's Vance and.... Cynthia? Did Vance decide to make cynthia his EA or is she now an account exec? Or is it just because it's Brian's pitch and Vance had no idea what to do with it?

three people in the room from Remson, two brunet guys and a blond woman (?) - [a] Mr. Remson is in the room

Drug name: "Endovir"

Vance pitching it's the promise of health, and hope, and a future. "to accentuate the positive aspects of being positive." the campaign is based on one simple word [optimism]

Brian walks in with a fruit plate? and says that word is bullshit.

Vance asks "how the hell did you know about this meeting?" and Brian tells him "I'm the one who set it up. Before I left." Because he's protecting Cynthia in case it doesn't work.

Brian says his campaign is "based on one simple word. And that word is honesty." Vance reads out the slogans so skeptically.

Remson: "you've got to be kidding." Brian: "it's strong medicine, I'll admit that." Remson: "We spent six years and fifty million developing this drug. I personally worked my ass off getting it through the FDA. [he's proud of that.] and you think I'm gonna throw it away on some ad campaign that tells people they're gonna feel like hell?"

Brian: "They already know that. and they're willing to accept it, provided your drug can buy them another year. another month. that's all they're hoping for. that's all they want. And that's all you can honestly offer."

Then Brian tells Remson that the original idea was his too. Brian: "Having HIV may not be a ride in the park, but with Endovir, it's not a death sentence. So why not just say that?" [the board he's holding while he says this is "it's not a cure but it sure beats dying."]

next scene, Justin pacing in front of Darren in Darren's apartment.

Justin's wearing too-long jeans and converse

He's happy they caught the motherfuckers, all riled up and just says "now all you have to do is finger the motherfuckers, metaphorically, and they can go to prison for twenty years."

Darren's focused on thinking about Shanda's comeback. "Of course I heard you." He pretends he wasn't all fired up too, and then when Justin asks "where's the lineup" Darren's faux-offended response is "if you're referring to what goes on in the back room of a certain club, I don't engage in such activity." so he's a Center snobby gay.

Darren finally admits he's not going to point them out, and this is where Justin starts to get mad. Justin: "Darren. Why did you change your mind?" Darren, finally genuine: "I guess I had time to think. And I decided, cowardice is the better part of valor."

Justin's trying to be comforting when he says, "nothing is going to happen" and Darren shoots back, "How do you know that! Say I identify them. Say they go to trial. Say they get off. Say they come looking for me."

Justin: "Say they're back on the street tomorrow because you didn't do anything. Say they attack someone else." Darren: "Look, you're the one who told me to put all this behind me. To get on with my life." Justin is shocked. Darren. "Yes. I do think blond."

Justin: "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's time that we stood up for ourselves, fought back." Darren: [scoffs] "When your attacker bashed you, and left you for dead, and then they got off practically scott-free, what exactly did you do?" and justin is silent and like. panicked, almost.

next scene, Blake and Ted at the diner

Blake: "you can call me any time." Ted is freaking out and not being patient. Ted: "I make my friends nervous. ... they don't trust me." Blake: "the same thing happened to me. Eventually they came around. Forgave me. Except one." Blake admits then it's Ted he never really made amends to, "we lost touch. But recently, we've reconnected."

next scene, at the loft, Justin and Brian

Justin drawing in pencil even though earlier in the episode he admitted that he can only draw with a pencil for about fifteen minutes before his hand starts to shake so he's pushing it

Interestingly it's Rage that's doing all the violence in the drawing -- a way to divorce himself from the anger?

He's drawing on the lit-up coffee table (did Brian buy him a light table?? *hearteyes*)

Brian is wearing levis and a white vee-neck teeshirt, obviously not going out.

Justin rejects Brian's physical attempt to make him feel better (take care of his hand)

Brian: "Somebody's pissed off." Justin: "yeah, you would be too if you got your head bashed in." Brian: "Yeah I know, I was there." and brian looks at him like, how dare you use that against me, not mad, but disappointed and concerned, because not once has Justin thrown the bashing in Brian's face -- in fact he's the only one that never did

Brian: "I thought you'd put that behind you, and moved on." Justin: "I don't wanna talk about it." -- Justin Taylor, who actually runs away more often than people admit.

Brian tries *again* to comfort him physically and Justin pushes him away.

Justin: "Darren refused to identify his attackers. They're gonna get off. When I told him to be brave, stand up for himself, he said what did you do? I was a coward. I should have done something and I didn't." Brian's response of "want to get even? then be successful" doesn't sate Justin's desire for vengeance or justice.

[note to self: if they have this conversation about justin being a coward, Brian should say something like "was I a coward? I did nothing. I could have done something to him in the parking garage. later on. I could have found him in a dark alley and *holding up drawing* ripped his dick off. I didn't. So I guess I'm a coward,." maybe this is what results in Justin throwing the glass?]

Brian says be the biggest fucking success you can be, and Justin rolls his eyes and is all "I know." Brian: "Well then if you know, take that anger and put it into your work. Use it." This is genuinely useful advice, but obviously Justin isn't ready to hear it.

[Note to self: someone else has to intervene before Justin goes off the rails here, and I'm not honestly sure who it should be.]

Justin says Guernica is bullshit, it hangs in a fucking museum. [Art] doesn't do a motherfucking thing. And Brian's left sitting there feeling useless.

next scene, ted and blake at Ted's condo

they're getting rid of Ted's triggers ("fuck clothes", and dildos, and porno mags/movies), huh.

"hows giseppe verde a trigger?" "he was there, watching." Blake: "he was also there before, when you played la traviata for me the first time.

Ted's trashing his macbook pro. blake jokes about Ted's dick size "not being one of your shortcomings." Guess Blake gets a new macbook

Ted's hair's looking rough.

Blake offers to stay since Ted's freaking out, and Ted tries to put it off, Blake offers to crash on the sofa.

I wonder if Blake helping Ted like this is his way of making amends to Ted? Which is just as not a great reason to be together as Ted hanging onto Blake because of rehab? but it is honest.

next scene: at the fairy retreat

they're at the fire pit and Emmett tells his fairy name is "clear day" from "on a clear day you can see forever". god I love that movie.

are-- are they holding a marshmallow on a stick as at talking stick? okay then.

oh it WAS Harry Hay with the rocks and the circle earlier. I wasn't sure.

next scene: at the focus group for Endovir

a blond woman, not Cynthia (maybe the blonde from Remson?) is talking to the focus group

they're comparing the Vangard ad to Brian's.

and behind the glass is Brian and Remson, and the entire focus group is impressed by the ad but thinks it'll never run because "they wouldn't have the balls"

next scene, babylon

emmett is dancing like his old self

Brian, Michael and Ben are at the bar looking at pictures of the fairy retreat

Emmett is like "Next year maybe we should all go" and they're all enthusiastic and Ben's like "brian?" Brian's response: "I'd rather have my tongue superglued to a lesbian's twat. Besides I'm gonna be way too busy with my new business. And my new account."

Michael: "The circus of porn account isn't exactly gonna buy you a summer home in P-town." Brian: "But the Remson Pharmaceuticals account will." Brian: "Here's to Kinnetik. Drinks are on me, boys." and all four of them drink. Emmett's the first to say "To Kinnetik."

And Brian and Emmett are flirting here.

next scene: at woody's -- Justin is sitting alone at the bar drinking a beer

Cody is sitting at the table with four other people and Justin goes up to them

Cody calls Justin "meg ryan", and once Justin says "It's about not letting yourself be victimized" Cody respects him back.

[okay so, note to self: if this is when him and cody meet, then this is the meeting Daphne has to tell him not to go to I guess? which means a bunch of scenes need to be cut/rewritten but that's okay. this should be the night before Brian (and Justin) have to go in for surgery so they're both at babylon. or maybe Justin looks at Cody and then decides to go to Babylon instead.]

[kuronanox]

Recovering - Fuegoleon Vermillion

"She's very sick right now." Owen tells Fuegoleon as the crimson lion captain sat down next to (Your Name) holding her hand. "With some rest and not much activities she will heal slowly."

"I see, thank you." Fuegoleon tells Owen as he left the two to talk.

"I'm sorry, I've been so weak." (Your Name) quietly says giving a painful smile.

"Stop being sorry, it doesn't matter if you are weak or strong. I will protect you." He tells her wiping the sweat from her forehead. She shakes her head and grab both his hands into her small ones.

"You should remarry."

Fuegoleon eyes widen, it was unexpected of her to say such a thing to him. "What are you going on about?"

There was silence in the room as (Your Name) started to cough harshly, the red blood falling onto the sheets. Fuegoleon was already up from his seat and holding her body. He rubbed her back and offered a cold glass of water.

"Let me go get Owen."

She grabbed his arm and shook her head. "It's fine, I just need to rest."

He sighed, he knew she was so stubborn.

"Why do you have to be so stubborn, even on your death bed?"

"This isn't my death bed, I'm just sick." (Your Name) argued. Fuegoleon rolled his eyes and fixed her bed sheets. "I have to go. Captain duties."

She nodded her head as he softly kissed her forehead . "Goodbye, I'll come home soon." She promised him, Fuegoleon looked back and gave her a small smile.

The following weeks passed and she was recovering slowly. There was definitely process, she no longer was coughing blood and was able to walk around without fainting. Fuegoleon didn't visit much because of work duties but Leopold would come.

"How's everything?" She asked the younger boy.

Leopold was so full of life, him and Fuegoleon were definitely opposites when it came to personalities. "AMAZING! Aniue has been training me personally!"

(Your Name) smiles, he was amazing with children.

"Sometime I feel helpless, sometimes I feel like I've failed Fuegoleon." She tells Leopold as the younger child tilted his head.

"What do you mean? Aniue loves you!" His face a little redden out of irritation. Leopold knew, there was a age gap between the two but that doesn't mean he didn't know anything.

He remember when (Your Name) and Fuegoleon were younger, about their early twenties. She use to pester him all the time, it was a one sided love at first.

When Leopold was about 7 he would see (Your Name) around the house following Fuegoleon. She was like a parasite stuck onto him. Often times he would find his brother pushing her away or calling her a nuisance because he was all about training and becoming the next captain.

"How did Aniue fall in love with you?" Leopold asked, curious on their relationship.

(Your Name) smiled and looked out the window.

"I guess time? I don't actually know. After I stopped pestering him Fuegoleon started bothering me. I guess you can say a switch flipped off."

Leopold giggled he couldn't see his older brother bothering a girl because he was always so serious. "I think brother hit the jackpot, (Your Name) older sister is pretty." He cheers her up by jumping in the air as if he won a race.

"Oh! I have to go now! Training with aniue! He's going to be upset if I'm late!" Leopold shouts giving her a kiss on the cheek before running off. (Your Name) eyes widen as she slightly smirked. "You really are growing up now."

Fuegoleon watched his squad members as they practiced their magic but his mind wasn't paying attention. His thoughts were about (Your Name) he missed her next to him everyday.

Every morning he woke up it was alone and every night he went to bed it was alone. The bed sheets weren't nearly as warm as he wanted it to be.

Fuegoleon sighed as he clocked back into reality when his men asked what they needed to do next. "Everyone good job today, get some rest."

Leopold ran to his brother and walked beside him. "Are you going to see (Your Name) tonight?"

"Tomorrow morning I have some papers to do." He flatly states as Leopold pouts, Fuegoleon was acting a little down.

"Aniue? Why is (Your Name) older sister always sick?"

Fuegoleon stops walking and sighs, this was a topic he never liked talking about. Not even to Mereoleona. He felt like he failed (Your Name) that day and onward.

"She had a miscarriage 3 years ago, we didn't tell anyone she was pregnant because she wasn't showing yet. Because of that her captain sent her onto a dangerous mission. I told her multiple times to give it to someone else but she refused."

Fuegoleon paused to catch his breath as Leopold tried to soak in the information without asking to many question.

"(Your Name) and her team called for back up and I rushed to the area, by the time I arrived half the team was dead and she was unconscious with a wound on her stomach."

Fuegoleon quickly turns his back onto Leopold, he didn't want to show his younger brother that he regretted not stopping her that day.

"Ever since that day, she stopped taking care of her health and because of her wounds were so deep she will never fully recover. I failed her that day and everyday since."

Without saying anything else Fuegoleon bid his farewell and walked to his chamber. This was a big step for him. No one ever asked him what happened to (Your Name) after. They just assumed she was just sick a lot.

(Your Name) was harshly awaken by loud screaming coming out from the building. The Clover kingdom was set ablaze, before she could run and aide Owen stopped her, but she argued with him that it's also her duty to help the kingdom.

"Trust the magic knights." He told her and she angrily laid back in bed. "I wonder what is happening."

Laying back down she looked out the window, the fire wasn't comforting like Fuegoleon, it was menacing looking.

(Your Name) started to see the flames die down after a few hours. "Looks like they settled everything."

Footsteps outside her door were rushing around, she couldn't tell what was going on but the medics were probably helping the wounded.

It wasn't until Leopold slammed her door open and he was sweating, his face full of panic. "Aniue!" He yells out of breath as she rushed out of bed and followed him.

She ran towards the bed she found Fuegoleon on, he was unconscious and his arm was gone. "How-?" She stops and covered her mouth as the tears chocked out.

Julius was there as he patted her head and took a seat beside Fuegoleon. "He did his best." He continued by handing her Fuegoleon grimoire. She gasped.

His grimoire was half gone. "He could have died and I was laying in bed the whole time."

Julius let her onto good news. "He's fine now, the only downside is when he will wake up."

(Your Name) and Leopold sat close together for comfort. "I'm calling Mereoleona to take over for now."

The following weeks were hard for her, Leopold and the squad members. There was a lot of adjustments that were made.

(Your Name) was finally back home and the good thing was that she could watch over Fuegoleon.

"I feel like our roles have reversed." She sadly smiled as a knock made her look up.

Mereoleona walked in the room with a look of disappointment in her face. "Looks like we have some guys that need to be put in their place, Fuegoleon is first."

(Your Name) just chuckles as Mereoleona cross her arms. "Whoever did this to him definitely was strong, we are a facing an huge enemy right now." (Your Name) hummed in response and grip Fuegoleon hand tightly.

Mereoleona stared at the two and recalled when they both started dating, she had never seen her little brother head over heels for nobody. "You should take care of yourself more... holding onto the past won't help the future." Mereoleona told her little sister in law.

(Your Name) smile lightly as she caresses the back of her beloved hand. "I know, I never blamed him for being late that day. It was just fate telling us we weren't ready."

"Then don't blame yourself for not being able to help him today. He wouldn't be to happy to see you in distress especially since you are sick."

(Your Name) looks down ashamed of her actions the past few years, of course she knew she was unhealthy. After losing the baby and getting a heavy wound that would never fully recover she fell into depression and started to punish herself. She blamed herself for letting her child and teammate down that day.

"I-" She paused and swallowed before speaking again "I told him to remarry."

Mereoleona roughly hits her head and yell. "BAKA! Don't take his love for you lightly!"

"YA!" (Your Name) screams and threw a hit back. "I know, I just don't want him to be stressed out anymore."

"Like I said, don't take his love for granted."

Leopold then walked into the room, he was smiling. "YEAH! Aniue love for you is bigger than this world and so is ours to yours, I know you are sick but we all know you use to be a strong magic knight before!"

(Your Name) grew flushed and chuckled, she lost a baby but right know she was surrounded with her family.  

She didn't know how long she waited for him but (Your Name) decided it was time to recover and get healthy again. She trained endlessly day and night, toning her body and magic again. She felt a sense of relief being able to be out of bed and fight again.

(Your Name) heard news that Leopold was trying to protect the people in the squad as their vice captain had been taken over by a elf. "Please let me make it to him on time. I can't lose anybody else."

Leopold was on the floor, he needed to get up, he was going to be the captain one day but his body wouldn't move. "Leopold!" She yells reaching out to him as a orange flame engulfed them from behind.

"You did well (Your Name), Leo." Fuegoleon deep voice flows out as she sees him walk out. A feeling of burden had been lifted off her chest. Of course he was there to save them when they needed him the most.

"What took so long stupid?" she lightly punches his side as he lovingly gives her a sincere smile.

"Don't worry, I made it on time." Fuegoleon reassured her as she sees a salamander next to him. "I see you picked up a new friend along the way."

He chuckled "It's a long story but we will have time later once the kingdom is back in safe hands." Fuegoleon pauses and gives a good look at her. The color was back on her face, and she gained a few pounds.

"It's good to have you back my love."

"I can say the same for you mister, looks like both of us bedridden doesn't sit well."

Leopold pushes himself in the middle. "HELLO! AN ELF IS ABOUT TO KILL US! SAVE THE HAPPY REUNION FOR LATER!"

"Ya Leo, let us adult handle the situation." She smirked as Fuegoleon and her both throw a powerful blow. "Yes, Leo don't take us for granted. We've handled worse enemies together."

Leopold just throws a baby tantrum and smiles after, he was really glad they were both back.

"(Your Name) let's go." Fuegoleon says taking her hand as she gladly accepts.

"For now, we both are broken somehow in some form but we will continue to grow together."

[lostwithoutyounannerbananer]

Death has never been something I really have worried about.. but it seems now I'm obsessed with it since September 15th, 2019... When I saw my best friend my nanna, take her last breaths. Not that I haven't witnessed an overdose or bright someone back to life doing cpr. But this time it hit me soooo differently. Ever since she's been gone.. I feel I'm gone to. What has happened to me? I don't feel real anymore. I have the will to do nothing. I have no dreams really all I want to do is to be with her again. With the person I felt happiest with. It feels like it happened so sudden, so fast. I feel I did not get to express everything I needed to express to her. I miss her so much it hurts. I cry EVERYDAY. I miss her so much it's interfering with my life here on earth. I wonder where she is.. If she's standing right beside me, if she's wiping my tears without me knowing. I am depressed most of the time.. I feel lonely so lonely.. no matter how many people I'm around. I'm try to express this feeling to people of being here but not being here. It's hard to explain. I want to know more.. I watched a person on youtube named #dolores cannon. She did help me understand about our soul contracts and our purpose here on earth. But I'm still sad, all I want is to hear nannas voice one last time. Hear her laugh one last time. Have one more girls day. I fear in losing touch with reality. I fear I'm going down a very dark path. All I want to do is scream but instead I sleep or look for ways to numb my pain in my heart that NEVER goes Away. This is my first post and I won't lie watching Elisa Lam's story on Netflix made me want to make a tumblr.. I had one a long time ago when I was a child. Before I had the experience I have now today. Some people may still think 26 is still young that I'm still a child and that I have a whole life ahead of me. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels empty.. lonely. I lay in the dark most of the time and just think and try to sleep as much as possible but I fear I'm missing out on life. Everything looks so boring now.. so pointless. My city looks grey. It's not as colorful as it once was if that makes any since. And like many people I feel like no one. Like I don't matter. Like I could go at any moment and no one would care. I often watch dark things on Netflix about serial killers and things like that interest me. I wonder in another lifetime if I could have been a detective. People who hurt others get famous.. but people like me who are normal are not heard. No one listens. They want to prescribe me medications for depression and anxiety and a pill for this and a pill for that. How do we actually know what these pills do? I'm not a scientist, not do I claim to be. But why cure certain things and not others. I know there is a cure for cancer.. which by the way is how my nanna passed.. but why don't we make these cures available? So the government can make money why we watch our loved ones die in our arms.. and then they call us "sick" because we can't cope. Maybe some can.. maybe some see it as "normal" but I don't think it's normal for a child to die from cancer.. I think it's cruel.. and I cry for the people who would rather make money than help our people stay healthy and well and live their lives the 100 years we are supposed to get. Most of us are cheated of that. Anyways that's all for tonight. I will cry myself to sleep like most nights and then figure out what to do with my miserable life tomorrow.

[demonboidies]

𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓴𝓵𝔂 - 𝓽𝓸 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀

pt. 3

word count: 1, 802

●WARNING: mention of several mental illnesses (eating disorders, depression, anxiety, psychotic disorders, OCD, alcohol abuse, and more) I do not go into deep detail of each, more so simply mentioning the names, but if you are easily triggered please don't read. the reason I am mentioning these illnesses is because the boys(in my ff) suffer from several of them. all the mental illnesses mentioned in this chapter and their corresponding member are not based on true facts or actual evidence. this is fictional.●

"ah, well i graduated from college a while ago. majored in world language, i had this crazy dream of being a translator. but i obviously don't do that, although i've recently applied to several companies, i haven't heard from any." you ended with a neutral smile, making eye contact with the oldest who was nodding in understanding. "but i asked Jungkook which classes he took, since he still is a youngling."

you chuckle at your wording, along with the others. Hoseok even ruffling the man's hair teasingly.

"uhm, i do programming, computer stuff...yeah, it's nothing interesting like the arts b-but it's what i d-do best." a weak smile was on his lips and you chuckle softly.

"no, that sounds cute. you seem to be like a tech nerd, please take no offense. i mean to compliment you." you said, saving your mistake last second. even if they were younger than you, the level of respect and professionalism still had to be present between all of you.

red was painted across jungkook's face...he was cute to you? taehyung and jimin clenched the utensils on their hands, annoyed with how jungkook unknowingly one upped them. yoongi and hoseok sent glares to jungkook. namjoon and jin simply smiled, although they were fuming internally.

"oh, thank you..."

you nodded, biting into the food present in front of you. the taste was extravagant, even if it was a simple dish.

"my gosh, who made this? it is delicious." you moaned out, wiping your mouth. "this is so good, and home made?"

"that would be me, darling. and of course, home made. i like being able to overlook the food the boys eat, make sure they get their nutrients and stuff. i try to limit the amount of time they eat out,but sometimes i can't control it. especially if i'm in another country." you nodded impressed with the subtle fact he dropped, whether he did it on purpose or not.

"what do you guys do? i'm intrigued now with your professions." you said, resting your heaad on your hand.

"well, i graduated already...but i run my own dance studio. you should stop by sometime! we've won a couple awards, i'm very proud of my students!" hoseok smiles wide, and you could easily tell how much dance meant to him.

"i'm taking online classes for psychology. going to college is such a hassle, online is so much easier." namjoon says with a heavy sigh which you jokingly cheers to. making the males laugh at your humor.

"we, my friend, are on the same page!" you said and he laughed, making you smile widely.

"i produce music. i post my works on soundcloud...i promise i'm not like every other soundcloud rapper. i actually care about what i make, rather than the views it'll give me. i also have interest in photography, but tae is much better than me." yoongi was quiet and fidgeting when he saw the gaze of you on him. but at his last statement, you pouted a bit.

"i'm sure you two have your own styles and qualities in your work. also i've never met a producer before, i look forward to listening to your work as your career prgresses." you smiled kindly at him and he ducked his down to hide his blush. you chuckle before moving your gaze to the eldest at the table.

"oh, my turn. about time~" the boys scoffed and his attitude when you chuckled, at ease in his presence. "i mainly stay at home and do work in my office, but when push comes to shove i do have to leave the country. i'm heir to my father's company, so i have to take responsibility sometimes...and you must be wondering. so i'll answer the question now. the reason why i'm in this wheelchair is because i was in a bad accident when i was young." he nodded solemnly, although he was smiling weakly. there was a silence as you took the words in. "thank God my face was spared though."

he cupped his cheek, initiating a innocent look as everyone broke into a smile, looking over to the man with a wonder.

how could someone be so positive after such a horrific event? which was what you were thinking.

but the rest of the boys simply sighed in relief at their hyung. he was always a good liar. and they were lucky you were completely politely innocent and oblivious to their hyung's lie. he had lied more than once to you already, cheeky person he was

"yes, your face was surely spared." you said joining in with the joke.

the rest of the dinner consisted of you bonding over little things. your love for all kinds of games (including pranks) was shared with jungkook, love for animal life with namjoon, sleep with yoongi, culinary with jin, free expression with hoseok, puppies and dogs with taehyung, and family and friends with jimin. the general direction of every conversation was satisfying as it ended with everyone having a smile on their faces.

you had helped clean up, already beginning your new task as a house maid/nurse. "so what would like me to focus on as my first days?" you asked after everything was cleaned. the youngest had to go to their rooms, to begin getting ready for bed since they had school tomorrow. all their classes were in the morning which was fortunate for you since you would be driving them there from now on...and it didn't seem like fun to constantly drive back to the house and then to the university.

namjoon, who was standing in front of you, moved to the study table in the living room, and took a Manila folders into his hands. it seemed like a thick stack of papers and as you looked closer, there were a total of 7.

"no formal work, but all 7 of us saw it appropriate to give you an introduction to our needs. what exactly is wrong with us, y'know? we trust you're experience enough for this so we are confident you'll do just fine."

you took the stack of papers and thanked him. you walked through the house to find your room, which hoseok had shown you right after dinner was finished, and you still marveled at the sight.

it was a grand gray and white minimalistic bedroom with a huge bed in the center. there was also a large ledge with a window that you could sit on to see the night sky. you maneuvered your way over to the study table, turning the lap on to begin "studying" the males.

●𝖐𝖎𝖒 𝖘𝖊𝖔𝖐𝖏𝖎𝖓 / kim seokjin

disabilities/disorders: unable to move bottom half of body, a light case of schizophrenia, requires special attention on getting ready in the morning (may include dressing and showering)

meds: need daily dose for schizophrenia

your brows furrowed. that existed? you knew schizophrenia existed, but meaning a light case would specifically show what? you just shrugged and decided to what the papers were saying.

●𝖒𝖎𝖓 𝖞𝖔𝖔𝖓𝖌𝖎 / min yoongi

disabilities/disorders: OCD, severe depression, social anxiety, prone to panic and anxiety attacks in a crowd of many people, values his personal space-do not enter his personal bubble unless asked

meds: needs dose for OCD, depression

you nodded slowly, understanding the conditions and seeing the familiar names once again. you've had patients like him before, but everyone is different, so you will still be careful.

●𝖏𝖚𝖓𝖌 𝖍𝖔𝖘𝖊𝖔𝖐 / jung hoseok

disabilities/disorders: bipolar disorder, ADHD, OCD, fits of anger are dangerous, act hostile in any case and alert one of the other tenants immediately

meds: dose for ADHD & OCD

sudden shortness of his list made you a bit hopeful that taking care of 7 males wouldn't be as hard as it seemed. then again, you willingly signed up for this so you shouldn't be complaining in any way.

●𝖐𝖎𝖒 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖏𝖔𝖔𝖓 / kim namjoon

disabilities/disorders: depression, OCD, past with alcohol abuse (currently in rehab)

meds: dose for depression and OCD

you pouted slightly, only being able to imagine how hard it must be to recover from alcoholism. and it was saddening to see such an intellectual and kind person such as Namjoon suffer from the mental illness, although that could be said about everyone you had previously read.

●𝖕𝖆𝖗𝖐 𝖏𝖎𝖒𝖎𝖓 / park jimin

disabilities/disorders: ARFID, anxiety, prone to panic and anxiety attacks

meds: none

reading the single line you let yourself think of the moment he introduced himself. he was enthusiastic about meeting you, it made you smile at the memory. you were suddenly thankful for getting such a sweet and honey-like expression out of the man.

●𝖐𝖎𝖒 𝖙𝖆𝖊𝖍𝖞𝖚𝖓𝖌 / kim taehyung

disabilities/disorders: OCD, ADD, brief psychotic disorder - periods are short and caused by stress, not dangerous unless triggered by something you do or say

meds: dose for OCD, ADD, and best if given sleep meds during pyschotic episodes

you nodded slowly, understanding and keeping the directions in the back of your mind.

●𝖏𝖊𝖔𝖓 𝖏𝖚𝖓𝖌𝖐𝖔𝖔𝖐 / jeon jungkook

disabilities/disorders: DID, psychotic, anxiety

meds: dose to limit psychotic episodes

the 3 things on the list made your eyebrows furrow. the 3 seemed to make a terrible combination and you began thinking of how calm Jungkook was before. You hoped you wouldn't encounter any bad alters of Jungkook, if he had any bad ones. and, honestly, you were a bit uneducated in the DID field, so you were determined to learn more tonight with the help of the internet.

and the last sheet in each file were filed letters to make sure you caught it :

THEY SHOULD NEVER BE KEPT UNSUPERVISED FOR A LONG TIME. MEDICATION IS IN THE CABINET IN YOUR ROOM WITH PADLOCK TO AVOID OVERDOSES. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND COMPLIANCE.

you took the words seriously, seeing the urgency in the message. shutting the folders, you stacked all of them in one pile and moved to freshen up. a shower was needed as you climbed into the steaming bathroom. after washing yourself, you climbed into bed and soon you were falling asleep. you fell asleep thinking about how tomorrow would be your first day of your new job.

a/n- thank you so much for the support of this book!!! I hope you guys stay tuned and enjoy the rest of the journey with yabdere!bts

oooh, curious question

》what other times do you think jin lied to you? hmmm?

♡♡♡♡♡SEND ME UR ASK ON WHAT U THINK ABT THATTTTT♡♡♡♡♡

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

oh gosh. oh gosh. I've been thinking about getting evaluated for ADD/ADHD myself recently but I'm scared & anxious. I don't know who to go to - is any regular psychiatrist/psychologist ok or would I need to find one who specializes?? What if I'm diagnosed but they can't do anything about it?? What if I'm MISdiagnosed so they can make money?? What if they tell me I'm just an attention-seeking narcissist and there's nothing wrong with me at all?? 1/2

All I can share is my experience, which is unique to a) me, b) my area, and c) my country’s healthcare system. I mentioned my frustrations with my concentration/focus (or lack thereof) with my primary care physician-- the person who does my annual check ups. They should be your first stop, if you’re in the American healthcare system, as insurance companies often require referrals for specialist appointments, and even if you aren’t in the American healthcare system, your PCP should be able to point you in the right direction of where to go next. 

I have a really great relationship with mine-- she’s been treating me for my entire adult life. She referred me to a neurologist for ADD/ADHD evaluation. When I arrived, the cute intake girl asked me a shit ton of questions about my symptoms. And in talking to her it really hit home how much and how long I’ve been struggling. 

And the neurologist took one look at my intake form and said “you definitely hit the markers for ADD.” (and maybe adhd? It kinda blurred at that point, because ha-hey guess who’s having focus/attention issues?)

Next step? Medication.

Medication is where the stigma kicks in again. Picture this: I am at the neurologist looking for help. There is literally no other reason for me to be there. I am struggling, I need help, and still-- STILL-- when he mentioned Aderall my brain and my heart immediately wanted to bolt. Like, what the hell else did you think he was going to suggest, numbskull? 

So next steps are getting a brain scan/EEG, to make sure I don’t have any other brain issues they need to worry about, and then I’m starting a low dose of Adderall, which is faster acting than some of the other options. By the neurologist’s words, I could be seeing improvement by the end of next week.

Your questions in your first ask are all anxiety, plain and simple (and guess how ADD can sometimes present in adult women? Ding ding ding! Anxiety). 

A specialist will be the best person to help you, so even if they can’t a) they may at least be able to tell you what it isn’t, b) can point you in a new direction, and c) at least you’re taking steps to help yourself-- which is huge. 

Lately I’ve come to suspect that the school fear about “overmedication” is an early split from what eventually became the anti-vaxxer movement, and fuck those guys. And keep in mind-- our conversation here is not about the virtues of forcing kids to sit still in a classroom for 7-8 hours a day, and the need for medication to help them do so. We are adults, struggling to exist as adults. If there is a tool out there to help us function more easily, we are entitled to use it, just as we are entitled to use anti-depressants or pain-relief.

(And PS if you’re wondering if you’re an attention-seeking narcissist, you’re not a narcissist, because narcissists don’t think about that sort of thing. I’ve had similar concerns seeking therapy and that came straight from my therapist’s mouth, so)

If you do seek help for it, I can warn you right now that it’s going to be a mixed bag of emotions. Yes, it’s a relief, to have a name and reason for why you/your brain does X, but at the same time? I had a cry session last night because if the diagnosis is correct, then-- I’ve been fighting it for twenty-plus years. Twenty years where my potential has been throttled by a condition I wasn’t aware of. Twenty years I’ll never get back.

 And that’s heartbreaking.

The one thing about my appointment with the neurologist that sticks in my craw is something he asked me towards the end as we were wrapping up. He asked me “Why did you wait so long to get help?”

He meant it good-naturedly, and I was still reeling and dealing with the anxiety of everything suddenly happening quickly, so I didn’t claw his eyes out right then and there. But it still rankles even now. 

I’m sorry, how in the world was I supposed to know that my wandering brain and hyperfixation on writing and skating (the only two activities in my life I can focus on with zero distraction), wasn’t NORMAL? My doctor asks for my weight every goddamn visit but at no point has she ever asked me how my focus is. No one ever asked me how many times I need to go back to my apartment in the morning to get the keys/sunglasses/breakfast I keep forgetting. 

No one ever asked me how many times a week I forget my wallet in my other bag. Until my visit yesterday, no one ever asked me how often I talk over someone before they’re finished speaking, or finish their sentences for them. No one ever asked whether I fidget in meetings or if I can hold a goddamn conversation without my brain spooling out to think about that one story/movie/figure skating program/”if I have my protein bar early and skip the late session at the rink I can go to that one place I like for dinner tonight I think I’ll get the fish”.

So, someone please tell me how I was supposed to recognize any of this as not normal.

Long story short, here’s my takeaway: If you are struggling with anything that impairs your ability to function on a basic level, you deserve to seek treatment. If you read something online about a condition that rings true to you and your experience, you have every right to mention it to your doctor.

You deserve to live at your full potential.

[stressedspidergirlsfandomblog]

Pt17

(Conversations around consent, sexual activity, and descriptions of torture and attempted suicide. I will put a little - before a paragraph with torture/assault and another - when its over. May or may not also include implied consensual activity. We'll see where this goes.)

Curtis wakes up to soft little regular whimper-moans from behind him. Unsure if his lover is dreaming of torture, or if it's a happy kind of dream, he shifts back a bit, pressing into Takashi to check. Smiling a little in relief it's definitely not torture. Sighing a little, he's awake now. And hungry. They didn't eat dinner last night. They'd gone to bed. Worth the missed meal in Curtis' opinion. However, he's ravenous.

Digging through the cupboards he finds oatmeal, spices, and dried fruit. Surprised to find so many seasonings in the cabinets of a man who rarely cooks, Curtis wonders if it's a holdover from living with Adam. Especially considering Takashi doesn't even buy himself proper self grooming products. Probably just habit to keep the spices around.

The fridge has a few flavors of almond milk. Some non dairy creamers, and not much else in it. Overall the food choices are somewhat depressing. There's more in the freezer, thankfully. Frozen meat, vegetables, and fruit. Shaking his head a little, he sighs.

But another look through the pantry shows plenty of rice, beans, potatoes...cereal. He's feeding himself.

Finding a flat pan, he starts some of the last of the bacon. Whisks some eggs in a bowl. And adds vanilla almond milk to the oatmeal with cinnamon, nutmeg, and fruit. It can sit until Takashi wakes up.

Curtis likes the simple ritual of preparing food. He doesn't mind doing this. Although once they live together he figures if he cooks, Takashi can do the shopping. He usually already does the cleaning up.

Some time later he hears a weird noise somewhere between "blech" and "ugh" accompanied by soft but vehement cursing.

"You okay?" Curtis calls when the swearing doesn't stop but he hears water running. "Did your dream not have a happy ending?" He asks, heading into the bedroom.

"If you can call it that," Shiro snaps back, voice cracking.

Takashi is naked from the waist down and he throws the washcloth into the sink as Curtis comes in. His face is red and his eyes are full of tears.

"What's wrong? You okay?"

"I don't know."

"What happened?" He gently thumbs a tear off Takashi's cheek.

"I don't know. My body never did this. I was, I was finally feeling like I was in my own skin and then this happens!"

"What, as a teen you didn't get wet dreams? God you were lucky." Stroking back Takashi's hair he gently kisses his cheek.

"I didn't even know this was possible," he protests.

"It is," Curtis assures him. "It happens. Not super common, I don't think. But yeah. It's normal."

"Not for me," Shiro protests. "Maybe the clone?"

"You had his memories and he thought he was you, right? Do you remember that happening?"

"No."

"This makes sense to me, love, I'm sorry. It's been years, right? And you have been so stressed, and so anxious, and so sick... You got a little last night... And your body wants more. Is that so awful? Years and years without any.... What'd you dream about anyway?"

Shiro turns red again, scar livid across his face. "You." He swallows. "Us."

"Oh yeah? You wanna tell me what we did that rocked your world so hard it made you come in your sleep?"

Ducking his head down, the tips of his ears are red, too. His silvery hair just makes the blush look even brighter.

"Is it embarrassing?" Curtis asks gently. "Or are you just shy about this stuff?"

"I never really talked about it with anyone. My family was.... Traditional. It was really hard to get used to the idea I liked guys at all. Adam... Had to be patient for a long time. I came out because of him. I admitted to myself... Who I was. I get to be with you because of that," he says softly. "But ... I'm not as... Blase about it as you."

"Am I allowed to ask you about it? Or tease you if it's just us? Will you be okay talking about stuff? 'Cause I'm... I'm not comfortable sleeping with you until we hash out do's and dont's." He meets Takashi's eyes. "I can wait. It's no rush. Nothing like that."

"We can talk about it," Shiro mumbles, leaning into Curtis. "I was dreaming about...us. You were um, your mouth...I think that time we talked about it has been in the back of my head this whole time."

Curtis smiles and kisses his temple. "The real thing will be a lot better," he promises. "Put some pants on, breakfast is almost ready." He slips away to make sure nothing's burning and to heat the oatmeal mix.

Shiro comes out in different sweats, still embarrassed. Still he's done worse in front of Curtis. Such as thrown up on himself in his sleep back on the Atlas. One of the first nights Curtis started checking on him. He hadn't even really woken up, either. Curtis had had to help him clean up. Change the sheets. He'd brought tea to help with his stomach. And never said a word to anyone about it. Not once.

They eat relatively quietly, seated at the counter with their knees touching.

"What time is it anyway?" Curtis mumbles, mostly to himself. Glancing at his watch he blinks. "We woke up early."

"Hm?"

"Its 0600. I usually get up closer to 0700. Guess I have time to lie around." He smiles a little.

"What'd'ya want me to pick up at the store?" Shiro mumbles. Already trying to decide on what kind of grooming products he needs. He knows most of Curtis' favorite snacks already. The man has a sweet tooth.

"Something not frozen or dried...how long am I staying?"

Turning red he shrugs. "We haven't really had a chance to talk and I don't want to do that before work if that's okay."

"Fine by me," Curtis agrees.

Done with his food he hops up, taking the now empty dishes and heading to the sink. He cleans up automatically, glad to have something to do. For all it's a hair harder with just one hand. He has to set the dish down to swab it out. Then he loads them into the dishwasher.

Curtis contentedly watches him move around the kitchen. They've only been together a few months as a couple now. But this feels right. He loves this man. Scars and all. And he knows Takashi feels the same way. After all he's been through, it's nice to let himself again. It's nice to be loved. It's nice to know the person he's letting himself be with is worthy of it. After his partner had died, Curtis had had a string of one offs and bad decisions. And he'd treated them and himself like trash.

One of the absolute best things about Takashi is that he makes Curtis feel so loved. So wanted. So incredibly safe and special and like he matters more than anything else in the world. Takashi has this special way of focusing on him that makes him feel like he's the only other person in the world.

"If I go in early I can leave early," Curtis says, and Takashi nods a little. "Gives us more time tonight?"

"Yeah. Sounds good." He smiles a little.

It seems a little forced but they've been through a lot. "Hey how's your back feeling?"

Blinking in surprise, he stretches a little, his hand on the small of his back. "Good."

"Lemme feel," Curtis smiles. When Takashi comes around the counter and leans over to present as much of his back as possible to his partner.

"Hey look, still not purple," Curtis teases, running his fingertips up and down Takashi's back. He laughs when Takashi arches under his touch, just like a cat. "I love you so much," he says affectionately.

"I love you, too. Please don't stop," he adds.

"Well. I will have to eventually. I can't be late." But all the same he scratches up and down his partner's back. He enjoys the way Takashi shifts under his hand. Deciding that both hands might be best in this situation he shifts on the stool to make it easier to give scratches.

Eventually it's time to go. They kiss goodbye and head out together, but part ways outside the building.

Shiro sends Keith a message.

Stuck going to the store. You need anything?

0645

Probably should grab some basics. Meet you at the store?

0647

Sounds good. No plants.

0648

Mom says you should bring 'your mate' a gift. Yes plants. Apparently. Or the skulls of your enemies. But that seems excessive.

0650

That would not match his decor, no.

0650

See you in 10.

0651

Keith finds Shiro in the personal grooming section of the store.

He looks up when he notices the Red Paladin. "Curtis also has a problem with my taste in body wash."

"I see."

"Problem is I have no idea what to pick," Shiro shrugs.

Keith peers over in the basket. It looks like Shiro has managed to pick up fruit, vegetables, and some kind of meat in the time it took him to wait for a train to pass. "Sorry I'm late, by the way."

"Stuck at the tracks?"

"Yeah. Slowest train I've ever seen. Couldn't have been going much over 80."

"Disappointing."

"Seems like you're mostly done."

"Still need snacks. And candy of some kind. Curtis is an addict."

"Where's your protein crap you always used to get?"

"I always hated it. And medical says I'm healthy now... So. I didn't buy any."

Keith looks over at Shiro and notices some things that disturb him. For one, every time he reaches out to maybe pick a bottle, there's some kind of tremor in his hand. Two, he's sweating and the store is chilly. Three, he's a little flushed. Four, his eyes seem glassy. Getting in closer, he lightly squeezes Shiro's shoulder and hides his expression. Shirt is damp. He's been distressed for a while.

"What about pine? You always had some weird thing for forest scented crap."

"No, that was Adam. I was the one who liked spearmint and wintergreen."

"So why did you always smell like-.... ? Ah."

Shiro turns red. "I know Curtis likes cinnamon. But I don't see that here."

"There's stuff that's kinda minty," Keith points out. "You can buy whatever you want." Personally he thinks having to change your scent to please your partner is ridiculous. Probably why he's not much for dating. "See this one?" He cracks the lid to sniff and then hands it over, watching Shiro's hand like a hawk.

The shaking is still there. He's still beading sweat around his hairline and his hair is starting to stick to his face.

"That's kind of the problem," Shiro mutters, sniffing the bottle. It smells nice. Shampoo. Okay. So now just body wash. Maybe something for dry skin? He's been itchy lately and Curtis is probably right. He's probably drying his skin out. He can take care of himself a little better for Curtis. "Is there matching body wash?" He asks, trying to read labels without giving away the entire aisle is swimming. He's so stressed out. Which is how he ended up just grabbing a random bottle and bailing the first time around.

Keith looks at him and back at the shelf quizzically before picking it up from right in front of Shiro and handing it to him. "Says ultra cleansing. Isn't that code for: will dry your skin out?"

"Oh. Maybe I should pick something else."

Unsure of what to make of this, he shrugs. "You could just get the same brand you used to, and pick a different scent."

Shiro shifts uncomfortably. "I can't remember what it was," he admits. "I'm missing a lot here and there," he tugs absently on his bangs. Remembering how his skull had been cracked open.

"It's this stuff in the red bottles. It's got some stupid names, though." He tries to keep his expression neutral. He knew Shiro had issues remembering everything that happened while he was enslaved as a gladiator. He had no idea Shiro had also lost any time before then.

"Whatever's there is fine."

"Maybe Lance would be more helpful," Keith suggests. Then they both look at each other and laugh. "Okay so definitely not. But hey there's only four options, so."

They test out each bottle, Shiro hates the first. Keith the second. The third and fourth take a while to decide between. Shiro just picks up the matching shampoo and dumps it in.

"Do you think I need more clothes?" He asks hesitantly.

Keith kind of stares. "Judging by your apartment? Probably." Watching Shiro looking over at something on the other end of the men's care aisle, he realizes he doesn't want to help shop for the next thing. "What kind of candy? I'll grab that while you finish up here."

Realizing Keith figured it out, he turns red. "Uh. He'll eat pretty much anything that isn't black licorice. But he's kinda partial to anything sour and then chocolate with almonds or peanuts."

"Got it."

"Thanks." Shiro wanders down to the other end of the men's aisle. There's an overwhelming amount of things and he's realizing he's not sure if Curtis has preferences. And his personal comm is off at work. And Shiro isn't going to call him about condom brands on a Garrison line. They're all recorded. While he's not sure if it will be days, weeks, or months until they need any supplies he'd rather have them on hand.

Thinking about what he's used before, he doesn't see any familiar packaging and the aisle blurs in and out of his vision for a minute. There, he grabs a few things. He's not into anything all that interesting, and looking at some of the grocery-store approved toys makes him feel uncomfortable. A few things look like something the Galra would have found a way to weaponize and use and while he's sure before all this he would have been game... Now he isn't. He realizes he doesn't even really want Curtis on top of him, either. Or at least, not inside him.

-

He can still feel the blood running down the inside of his thighs. Sometimes just dripping steadily down without touching his body at all. They'd ripped him open in a new way. Trying to find some other way to torture and scare him. He has no idea how they guessed that, or if it was half accidental. They hadn't realized that human joints really weren't that flexible when they broke his elbow. Just testing his limits.

Shuddering he's terrified of the scarring ripping open again. Of just anything tearing into him.

Trying to imagine if he could go down on Curtis his throat tightens and he swallows hard against a gag. What if it feels like the feeding tube they'd forced down his throat? He'd been refusing to eat after. Had tried to hide the bleeding. When it stopped he'd been so depressed he'd given up hope and reopened the wound. Tore skin. Hadn't cared. He'd wanted to bleed to death. They'd stapled the wound shut, drugged him with a paralytic that did nothing about the fact he couldn't sleep, shoved a tube down his throat, and chained him spread eagle so he couldn't move so much as an inch and inflict more damage.

-

Keith finally can't spend more time in candy and goes back to find Shiro. He's worried. He recognizes the stricken look he sees and gently takes Shiro's hand and pulls him away. "You can't get pregnant anyway, you don't need those."

Blinking and coming to, "school really failed you, didn't it?" He asks absently.

"You're cleared of any and all diseases and so's he. Nothing he can give you or vice versa."

"Maybe he doesn't like to swallow," Shiro says conversationally, still shaky. He knows Keith hates when he talks bluntly about this kind of stuff. So it'll stop the conversation in its tracks.

Keith makes a face. "Let's go find you a shirt that isn't black or grey?" He suggests.

"I look good in those colors."

"Yeah Shiro everyone does. What colors does Curtis like?"

Everything, Shiro wants to say. Curtis is full of life and color in spite of everything. "Purple. Galaxy purple like in those hubble telescope photos..." He says softly, thinking of the prints he's seen in Curtis' apartment. "Dark blue..." His bedroom.

"Great. There you go."

"Black and grey used to bring out my eyes..." Shiro teases, fluttering his eyelashes and trying to recover from earlier.

"And match your hair." Keith just shrugs and smiles blandly.

They wander over to the clothing section and browse. Shiro ends up with a simple deep purple henley, a dark navy vneck sweater, and Keith convinces him to try a maroon vneck tee and deep green henley, too. "Add some color old man."

They drop the groceries off, Shiro throws the meat and some seasoning into the crock pot. He can't bake to save his life but he can dump things in a pot and walk away. While he's busy Keith discovers Shiro's battered running shoes. After lecturing the other man about his knees and feet taking unnecessary damage he forces Shiro back out to get new shoes.

Then he drags him to get some nicer towels, a second set of sheets, and some actual jeans, and some nice button ups so Shiro can dress up a little without going full uniform. Shiro only has 2 pairs of black pants and Keith feels odd realizing what they're doing. Maybe he he should have let Curtis do this. But Shiro started on his own. Keith just helped him finish. And made sure he had more than just the absolute bare minimum cheapest crap he could pick in two seconds.

When they get back Keith helps him load all the fabric into the wash so it'll be ready before Curtis gets back. He has a feeling the other man will appreciate all the changes. Looking at the clock he's surprised its only a little after 1400 hours.

He notices Shiro never really stops shaking, and he seems uncomfortable the whole time. Not unwilling just not himself, either. "Do you remember forcing me to pick out clothes?" He asks suddenly.

"Yeah you were a real shithead."

"Thanks for not returning the favor."

"Wouldn't know how to be that obnoxious even if I tried," Shiro smiles.

"So magnanimous."

Shiro shakes his head a little. He flops tiredly onto the couch unsure what to make of all of it.

Keith lets Shiro sleep, fear mounting in his chest cavity. He switches the laundry into the dryer. He's not sure what to do to help Shiro. But at least the man has food. Nice sheets, soft towels. New, clean clothes. The food smells good, and Keith finds himself puttering around looking for things to do, because he's afraid to leave Shiro alone.

Eventually he settles on the couch, putting a hand on Shiro's chest to feel his heartbeat. It seems steady. Normal. Healthy. But the tremors, the sweating, the indecision... It's all so concerning.

Eventually the dryer dings softly. Keith gets up and finds himself remaking the bed, folding clothes and more or less pacing around again. Somewhat amused he's the one taking care of Shiro for a change, he settles back down on the couch when the housekeeping is done, watching him sleep.

He dozes off eventually, and wakes up to the door sliding open.

Curtis smiles as Keith hastily exits, and sniffs the air appreciatively.

Kneeling down by the couch he presses a gentle kiss on Takashi's forehead. "Hey handsome," he smiles gently. "Wake up, love."

Takashi blinks awake, and smiles when he sees Curtis. Curtis gently strokes his cheek and kisses him.

"You hungry?" He asks gently. "Food smells good, what is it?"

"Brisket, and I have veggie salad in the fridge. Just needs dressing."

"Sounds good to me, you ready?"

"Yeah. Keith ran me ragged."

"I can see that. Once we eat do you just wanna go back to bed?"

"No, we should talk."

"Okay," Curtis agrees. Kissing his forehead again he stands up. Watches Takashi shift an arm under himself and sit up, and ease his body off the couch. He seems like he's moving easier. Less stiff.

Takashi quietly gets out plates and silverware, still half asleep. Pulling the salad out he has 2 choices for dressing and lets Curtis pick. Dumping food onto his plate, he settles at the counter and waits for Curtis to do the same.

When he's done serving himself, he unbuttons his uniform, and settles the jacket across the back of his chair. "Thanks for dinner."

"Of course," Takashi smiles back. They bump knees as they eat. He's happy to eat quietly, the hustle and bustle of running errands and dealing with people has him drained. The nap helps but just sitting there with his leg against Curtis' makes him feel better. That and not being required to talk around the food.

Half wondering if they should have talked first, in case he made himself sick, he breathes out a sigh through his nose.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I didn't mean to wear myself out so badly, though. Sorry."

Curtis nudges his leg, "it's fine."

When he finishes he rinses off his dishes and loads them.

"You cooked, I would have cleaned up."

"You do most of the hard work in our relationship, I think," Shiro smiles. "I can handle some dishes."

Curtis frowns a bit, but decides that can be part of their conversation later. He's absolutely not going to let that slide. Their needs just look different. He smiles when Takashi pulls out a sack of candy. And then laughs when he realizes how full it is. "Trying to fatten me up?"

"I just... There'll always be some here for you."

Holding out his hand he takes Takashi's gently as he comes around the counter and tugs him in close, between his legs. Tipping his face up they kiss for a few moments. Soft and gentle. They pull away and smile. Takashi is a little pink and Curtis smiles. Seems like everything works fine now.

[simcophogi]

hello r u doing ok?

@starshine-sims THANK YOU!!! ♥

@surreysimmer @awolzai TY! I LOVE YOU GUYS!! Sorry, I went mia, I MISS U T^T

THIS IS GONNA BE REALLY LONG AND REALLY RANTY SO IM SORRY IN ADVANCE IF U READ IT LOL. 

save yourself and just keep scrolling

I’m gonna drop a lot of shit fyi. tldr at the bottom if you don’t wanna read all this heavy garbage.

So for a general refresher on my life, because no one asked and i feel like oversharing in this chili’s tonight, we’re gonna dive in deep. I dropped out of college to deal with a shit ton of mental health problems last year. (severe depression, anxiety, toxic relationships, toss in some trauma from an ex-boyfriend, lots of panic attacks, like the list is massive) I had one year (or so) left so that really sucked and ended up hurting more than helping me mentally. Tack on emotional stress of now trying to figure out how to write a resume without adding the fancy BA in arts/technology (whatever the fuck I was doing), and trying to find a job before the boredom eats me alive. But not actually having a resume to give people makes that quite difficult. Plus living with my parents, who I adore and they’ve been helpful and wonderful and I couldn’t ask for more understanding or more supportive people, but I’m super cozy and haven’t had an intense need to get out of the house yet. Even though I really miss living on my own. 

My doctor has me on medication that ruined my appetite, so I’m eating maybe?? once a day? It’s not good. It’s helped with anxiety at least, so I’m enjoying the outdoors and occasionally getting out of the house. I wake up every few hours wanting food but not being able to eat it, so I'm exhausted. I’ve gotten to watch the sunrise a lot though. It’s beautiful but I would love to watch it without hearing my stomach roar. 

It’s been at least a month since all that and it’s gotten better, I’m at least sort of eating lunch and dinner. Maybe a snack during the day. Still not optimal though, still watching that wonderful sunrise and it’s really peaceful in the mornings I’ll give it that. I have good days that I’ll actually try to be social, but the majority are just, I lay in bed and watch the ceiling fan until I get called down for dinner, or I deem it an acceptable time to sleep. It’s incredibly dull and HOT DAMN I wish I could actually sit and play sims because I want to, but the excitement is just not there. Sometimes there’s a spark but it always fizzles out before I do anything.

+ if this wasn’t enough ranting already for you, add on the fact that my girlfriend/best friend went mia for another 3 months, came back and has been sporadically going offline and not contacting me for days at a time. She’ll come back, explain what happened and then we go back to normal. And then she’ll disappear again. It’s incredibly draining for both of us, and I’m always livid when this happens because a warning would’ve been nice or something but it’s almost always a reason out of her control that I won’t go into detail on bc it’s family/personal related. But it always seems like there’s something I could be doing or something she could be doing. Or that she’s not trying to talk to me, or she’s not trying hard enough and then I feel like shit because I know she is doing all she can. (A lot of or’s and what if’s here. She’s been mia since Sunday so I’ve had time to think of all the possibilities of what’s happened this time and it’s quite a ride.) I’ve never doubted her before, I mean we constantly talk about the day we’re living together, getting to take care of each other and doing face masks and playing stupid games. Married and have kids + trying to see how many dogs we can have without dying. We’re both incredibly excited for that. But this is happening more often and it feels like there’s some easier solution that we’re both missing. The distance hasn’t ever really been a problem for us, or at least not a major one. But six years have kind of/sort of finally started to wear us down and there’s this ache when I talk to her sometimes because I want her next to me. I want to be able to go on road trips with her and randomly bring home stupid gifts. I want to be able to buy her family things and play dumb drinking games with them. I want to be able to ask her when she’s getting home and have it mean when are you going to be able to hug me. I wanna have dumb fights that we settle with lightsabers. 

I’m moving on before I start bawling.

Literally, all my problems (or a large majority) would be solved if I could get a job. And there’s the cycle. I need a job to get money to visit my girlfriend, but I need a resume to get a job. I need a job/purpose to help kick me out of this depressive funk I’m in but I need a resume. And I need to not be so depressed and critical if I’m going to actually write a resume because every time I look at it and try to write it I break down sobbing and I feel like a failure and OOF. Plus I need some motivation to actually work on things to put in a portfolio so I can get a job that I actually like and won’t hate. 

If you read all of that I’ll send you a picture of Fudge because you are a fucking trooper. (and that’s also all i have to give but like you deserve something LOL) 

tl;dr Hi, I’m not ok. Like at all. Taking it day by day, looking on the bright side of things (trying to at least). I’ll be lurking, but I won’t be posting anything. Maybe the occasional reblog, but I’m just going on an indefinite hiatus until something gets sorted. I’m not super amazing at talking to people right now but I’m way more active on discord so if you want to chat feel free to add me and say hi (meg#5181). I’ll still talk here but I might take a while to answer.

[i-am-kintsugi]

Day 4,

I'll be honest, today was rough. Work was crazy and everyone seemed to be in a bad mood and I got called a bitch by a customer, and you know, I've been called worse, but I guess I've just been a bit sensitive recently.

And then after work I finally got to get back on the boat my stepdad works on for the first time since I was 18, and I expected it to make me feel better but unfortunately it made me feel even worse. It brought back so many memories and the contrast between how I used to feel vs how I feel now made me tear up a few times. I couldn't even enjoy myself, I could barely get myself to even look around at the water. It used to bring me so much peace and now everything feels dead and grey. I really don't want to be saying any of this.. I don't want to sound so depressing anymore. I don't want to let the skepticism I have about whether medication is gonna work for me or not mess with the process. It's only day 4 so I shouldn't be expecting any significant changes yet, and I know it's not gonna erase these feelings and these kinds of days completely, but I just can't stand it anymore. I can't stand the constant comparisons to myself "before it all happened" and the "what ifs".. I don't want to wonder how I would've turned out. What do I need to do to fix my brain? I'm trying so hard to heal my emotional wounds, but they seem to keep re-opening every day. I don't know what to do.

I don't really know what else to write I'm sorry, but this entry is a bit of a downer so I'll try to end on a positive note:

I really am so grateful to have my mom. And Rose. And Ian, who's coming back from his trip tonight! I'm so lucky to have two good friends that care about me.

Tomorrow I'm going to start taking the full dose (I've been taking half pills so far to ease into it) so I'll definitely keep you updated on that! I'm trying my very best to remain hopeful.

(MAN I'm tired. Feel like I'm boutta pass tf out!!)

❤️ Sugi

[samtheflamingomain]

Disclaimer For Current And Future Sam Behaviour:

For maybe the first time, I'm writing with all my facebook friends who might read my posts in mind.

I'm manic as all fuck.

Let's break it down. I'm Bipolar. 2 poles. One is extreme depression, one is extreme psycosis, let's throw that onto a scale of 1-10. I take 9 medications that usually keep me at a solid 4. Depressed but not suicidal.

I've been slowly taking more and more (prescribed, by a psychiatrist, calm your tits) Adderall over the last 4-5 months, as an attempt to help my level of exhaustion.

I've been at a 7/10, hypo-(less than)-manic for the past few months. Hold your questions for a moment.

I'm currently riding at 8.5, what I'd call the last digit of "mania" that's not scary. I've hit 9.5 before with full-ass hallucinations and 6d without sleep. Luckily never a 10 where I'm completely disconnected from reality but been close.

To keep this (relatively, y'all know me) short, I just want to list a few things that a lot of people who know me might not know about me when I'm manic.

I'm going to talk a lot. More than you can stand. More than you've ever seen me talk. But I'm also going to stutter a lot, go on tangents, and be very impatient for my "turn" to talk. I apologize, but I can't help it. It's the result of having thoughts constantly zooming through your brain 10x faster than normal and trying to spit out the words before the thought is gone. Living alone (like, without parents) is hard because I have no one who will listen to me talk for 5 hours and engage. I've never been manic since leaving my family behind, so it's very difficult for me to shut up around anyone, and when I'm alone, I have my journal open and ready because some thoughts are important but can get pushed out by random bullshit in an instant.

Second. I will be awake for days. I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight. I'm still just as exhausted, and I really want to make that clear. My brain WILL NOT STOP. I cannot help this until I safely reduce my Adderall over the next few weeks. I will be extremely tired and sore, but I'll still be at 100% production. Art machine. Starting 18 projects and finishing 0. Manic, my sleeping pill doesn't work.

Finally, and this is more of a fun fact, I don't know when I'll crash. Right now, I'm in the middle of about 25 different things and have no plan to stop. But in 3 hours I might instantly fall asleep and wake up 18h later wondering if it's 6am or pm, my bed a mess of clothes and blankets and pencils crayons. When I crash, it's instant. If I'm in bed, it could be literally any moment, and sometimes not even enough time to set an alarm.

I've also never been manic while holding down a job, but it is my priority so I'm being rather careful for a manic episode because mania will end but I want to keep my job forever. Pre-set alarms for days I work just in case. So, trying to make myself sleep when I can, but last night I simply couldn't. I was alright today, a bit slow but luckily the bar was dead. Oddly enough, I wasn't as sore and tired by 7pm as I usually would be. Oh yeah. Mania also makes you super fucking arrogant, let's go there briefly.

I'm exaggerating. It just makes you overestimate your physical capabilities - in my case. I should've taken those empty kegs to the back of the building a bit slower but I hoisted them up like a fine lass off her feet and swaggered them to the back. Then almost died from carpal tunnel and exhaustion as I returned.

I lied, one more thing. Focus. I'm already a very focused person. And mania makes you incredibly focused. Sometimes that helps, like crushing thru 7 art pieces you're almost done in 4h.

Sometimes it makes you spend 4h fine-tuning your email settings. Sometimes, you'll start one task - even just watching a video - and one line someone says will make you write a full ass essay on why They're Wrong to your friend who has the misfortune of receiving 12 2000-word texts a day. (Connor, you're a goddamn king for not blocking me without notice despite being bffs since 2004.)

Thanks if you read. I like to be understood, and I know that I'm about to confuse a lot of people who've never seen me manic. Have a good night. Is it night still? Eh, kinda.

Stay Greater

[ndragoon]

Tonight, while I was waiting for my stomach to calm down so I can sleep I was going through my saved messages in Telegram that started all the way back in 2016.

Originally, I saved Tumblr links and YouTube videos I wanted to share when people were awake, but I also saved many messages that I wrote towards my boyfriend at the time (who - in some ways - I'm still not over) that weren't written for him, if you get what I mean.

So much of it makes me wonder why I stayed around. If you asked me even a month ago, I wouldn't have known the answer or been able to even guess. But I was listening to this reddit story (which I do often since I get overwhelmed with music sometimes) where this woman met her boyfriend in high school, officially started dating at 18, married at 20. This post took place after they were married for 20 years when he decided to leave her after she cheated on him shortly after they got out of high school. And one of the comments talked about how she had him right from the start. She never really had a time in her life without him, never had any time to explore herself or develop a personality of her own, and that's why she was struggling so much to stay attached.

While it was a shorter time frame, it's the same reason I struggled so much with letting him go. After all, we met when I was a senior in high school. We talked on and off for two years before we reconnected and talked literally daily. For the longest time, we were just friends but we did everything together. And so a lot of who I was revolved around him. Sometimes, I have to catch myself when I see some announcement or I see a new release because part of me still has that impulse to tell him about it because I know he'd be excited for it.

But now, I cleared out the messages. Deleted the screenshots and the art we regularly sent each other. And after realizing that I am my own person now, with my own personality and my own friends, I didn't feel that bitter sting or the distress I felt any other time I even so much as looked at a folder he created. It's all going away as I find it, however long that will take for me to clear everything out.

And even though I still have to deal with my medical issues and my occasional spikes of depression, it seems that I am finally at peace with how my life is now that he is gone.

[agrypnia-ghosts]

i forgot to add something in my last entry, about nilly. i realized something difficult last night. nilly will never understand what jason did. he won't feel that ache of utter loneliness and misunderstanding, not because he necessarily isn't misunderstood, even by me, but he has a wonderful gift that allows him to learn any language he wishes. he isn't tormented by constantly thinking about how his words, important as they may be, are gibberish to others. every once in a long while, i will take a week or so and try to find someone who can speak, even a little bit, about the things in my mind. all these strange thoughts about time, the nature of spirit, sacrifice, immortality, what it means for us to possess a physical form, metaphysical reality, suffering... i could go on all night.

i can't though, because i must work again, and again and again. closing by myself tonight. we are so understaffed and i feel so unappreciated that despite closing constantly, putting up with being yelled at for things i didn't do, and working 5 nights a week without enough food or sleep, i am never thanked. appreciation feels like a petty thing to crave, but i've been without it for so long that it hurts so much more to have a job that i've worked tirelessly at for almost a year now never thank me for quitting or missing days i could have during my countless depressive and borderline episodes. instead of recognition for my committment to not letting my team down at a fucking pizza hut, i get jokes about how lazy and emotional i am. i get told i'm being bitchy because i don't want to work with another closer who misses constantly and has had delirious, angry medical episodes that i've had to deal with for hours after closing. anyway, rant over. need to get ready for work. talk later.