#I think its about time it gets the slasher treatment of people talking about it fondly all of the sudden

[robocops-a-christ-allegory]

You know how 80s slashers had a big comeback in recent years among younger horror fans who werent really alive for when they were coming out. I wonder if those like 2010s haunted house movies like the conjuring and such are gonna have a similar thing happen to them in a couple years. Like pretentious gen alpha horror fans are all gonna be sharing gifs of paranormal activity basically any second now

[brandnewhuman]

Hi! I can't remember if I've requested a matchup from you before. If I have, you can just ignore me. But if not can I request a slasher matchup please.

I'm an INTP 5w6, demisexual/bi woman. I'm plus sized and 5'9" with 2b hair that is naturally dark/dirty blonde but it's currently dyed deep purple.

I am slightly nearsighted and have glasses, though I tend to forget to wear them. Sometimes "losing" them on my own head.

I have very low self-esteem and a self deprecating, dark and offbeat sense of humor.

I manage to be both touch adverse and touch starved. I have to know and trust someone enough to be comfortable with physical touch. Minor things like a handshake don't typically bother me though, unless I get bad vibes off the other person.

Due to being raised by an entire family of narcissists, whenever I tried to speak they'd interrupt me or complain about me talking too much or too loudly. So I'm usually pretty silent unless you can get me started on something I'm passionate about.

Most of the time when I do speak, my words get muddled up. I especially struggle with words that have R in the middle of them.

I frequently get lost in daydreams. I'm autistic.

If I get hyperfocused on something, I'll go the entire day without remembering to eat or drink anything.

That being said, one of my stims is eating. Particularly foods I call hand to mouth like grapes or m&ms. Which is how I got to be plus sized, though my hypothyroidism certainly doesn't help. So I try to keep myself, particularly my hands, busy.

I like to craft things and bake.

I love going to scare attractions especially the ones that let your opt out of being touched.

I cannot stand the feeling of water on my forearms/elbows. Or when the ends of my sleeves & ends of pants legs get wet.

I'm very clumsy, frequently tripping over my own furniture. (and feet) I will always have at least one bruise on my body and there's less than 50% chance I can tell you how I got it.

I enjoy thinking about theoretical concepts and I tend to be flexible and good at thinking "outside of the box."

I'm very much conflict averse but will jump into a confrontation if someone is messing with someone I care about. Or if my anxiety causes me to snap.

For a lot of things it's rare for me to have actual favorites. One day I may prefer ethereal wave music and the next I'll be more in the mood for 80s rock. I usually have a top 3, 5 or 10 but no absolute favorites. And this goes for all sorts of things, food, movies etc.

My 'fashion' sense is somewhere between Green Academia and Feralcore.

I adore animals, especially the kinds that are less liked by society. Possums, snakes etc. Though I also love cats and currently have a cat. I would have more if I could. I handraised him, bottlefed him after rescuing him. He's 10, spoiled rotten and I defy anyone to tell me he isn't my child.

I struggle with driving cars but motorcycles or scooters, I can drive like a bat out of hell.

I paired you up with...

♡ Corey Cunningham ♡

Look, i even search up for his mbti AND ITS THE SAME AS YOURS SO ITS MEANT TO BE.

Hated by many, loved by few our infamous peepaw bully is definitely the type of person for you. He's just so sweet ans awkward and dudhsjsjsj LOOK AT HIS STUPID ADORABLE FACE

He would either be good at reminding you to wear your glasses or not. Like I personally have to wear glasses all the time so i tend to forget i have them on, its almost like a natural thing for me so i just assume it is the same for everyone. Corey here got the glasses=loser no glasses=hot and evil treatment so idk idk. I do think he will try his best to help you keep your eyesight as healthy as possible.

Bc of the physical touch thing i was actually about to give you Michael but i thought it wouldn't really be that helpful to your cause. Corey is shy and definitely wants to avoid people feeling uncomfortable around him, like he's sick of it fr. So unless you don't permission he's not going to do anything on his own. Plus like i said, he's too shy to be that bold so yeah. And he can relate to what you feel about physical touch cause ever since the incident, all that harassment and physical aggression has left him quite stiff about getting touched in general.

He would be mildly concern about your self-deprecating jokes and wouldn't really know if he should laugh or not. Like he genuinely doesn't understand why would say such things about yourself cause it makes him kind of sad since he thinks you're the best person in the entire world. Like he gets that one can be self-conscious about the looks and would try to help you with that cause he genuinely finds you so beautiful, but if you talk negatively about yourself in terms of personality ecc he would be very confused and kind of hurt for you. You're so nice and wholesome in his eyes

He would never, ever, interrupt you while you're talking. In fact he much prefers to listen to you while you talk about your favourite things, he finds so lovely you trust him enough to share with him your interests. He knows how it feels to be talked over so he would never dream of doing that to you specially if you're talking about something you love.

(Btw if it makes you feel better about the r thing i too have a problem to pronounce words with too many s's.)

Bro knows how is it when you get lost in something for so long you even forget to basic human necessities so he's always there to bring you snacks or water if you need it or to remind you to take breaks. Maybe he tries to not just straight up tell you to stop doing what you're doing but he like tells you to talk about it with him so you can actually take a break and he gets to hear you talk.

Please teach him how to bake, he would love to spend time baking with you. And in exchange, since you like crafting ecc, he can teach you things about cars and show you how to fix some things.

If you're clumsy this man is worse. Lucky for you, if you two are together and he sees you're about to get hurt on time he will 100% catch you before you do it. Hurting himself in process but who cares, you're safe so that's all that matters broski

I really think that you being able to be open minded is something corey would appreciate so much. He would need someone who can understand him and what has happened to him and on top of that someone to talk with without being scared of coming off as weird. He's that type of guy who really enjoys deep convos and having dialogues with someone he likes about interesting things and concepts so yeah expect late night chats with him about random and philosophical things

PROTECT THE BOY, I REPEAT PROTECT THE BOY. he kinda the same as you when it comes to conflict, like in the movie he had no problem in standing up for Allison so he will 100% do that with you as well. He may not be the best at defending himself but he wont tolerate people bothering you

Maybe both of you being indecisive about things might be a problem but the way i see it maybe it would help him getting the confidence to choose when and what he wants to do for once. He is a very thoughtful guy so he will always keep in mind what you might appreciate when suggesting things to eat, do ecc

BRO HE LOVES CATS, HE LOVES ANY ANIMAL AND WILL 100% PET ANYTHING THAT LOOKS REMOTELY CUTE TO HIM. He will spoil your cat too at some point so be prepared

Good thing you like motorcycles cause that's all this babe drives all the time. Gives him that hint of badboy he wouldn't be able to pull otherwise. Will definitely trust you to drive anything his and if you're the type of person who likes adrenaline rushes then good news for you cause I genuinely think he loves them too. Like from time to time just for funsies and to blow some steam off when he's too stressed

I hope you like it broski, i know corey is not super loved ecc but i tried my best to show you all his likeable sides ^^

Song recommendation time!!

[imagineslashers]

How about some boys headcanons for a selectively mute s/o? I personally struggle a bit with selective mutism and i wonder how you think they would react to it! Perferablly male of gender neutral s/o if thats alright!

sorry to hear about your struggles, i hope things improve for you, and that you enjoy what i’ve written for you! xx

Michael

Michael really doesn’t mind that you’re selectively mute, and often prefers it that way because it means he isn’t overwhelmed by you nor does he feel like he’s being hounded with things he doesn’t want to reply to. However, if you find yourself being overwhelmed or haven’t spoken to him for a good while, he will make a soft grunt and touch your lips, silently asking you if you’re okay. If you are, he lets you continue in silence, keeping a watchful eye on you. If you’re not, he will allow you to rest against his chest while he holds you, his mask pressed against your neck.

Jason

It worried him at first because most people he’s encountered are very loud, especially the campers, but you’re so quiet and he feels like the whole forest is holding its breath to hear you speak. He keeps a careful eye on you, just like Michael, to make sure you’re okay. Jason probably puts music on an old radio just to make sure you aren’t constantly in silence because he can’t fill the space with his own words. Will always give you a piggyback ride or carry you when you’re not feeling good so that he can go about his daily chores whilst making sure you’re never in need of anything.

Freddy

He actually kinda loves that you’re not constantly talkative, because he is very chatty and loves the sound of his own voice. This means he is always filling the silence for you both, and doesn’t feel like he has to compete. However, sometimes he will just trail off and look blankly at you, forgetting you don’t want to reply to him, and then gets a bit pouty. Freddy will tell jokes and mess around with you to try and make you laugh or get you in the mood for talking again.

Bubba

Very confused. He isn’t able to talk to you properly, only through noises and babbling, but to have you not talking to him makes him a bit uncomfortable, wondering if you don’t want to speak to him. However, if you explain to him what’s going on, he will quickly understand and leave you alone to be silent if you want. That doesn’t mean he will ignore you or brush it off though, constantly checking in on you and bringing you pretty things when he’s been out working.

Billy & Stu

These two are probably the most frustrated by your selective mutism, especially because they need your voice to keep them in check or stop them from arguing with one another. They rely on you and love your opinions, so it upsets them when you’re upset and fall back into silence. However, once they’re used to it, they can be very supportive boyfriends. Billy doesn’t force you to talk, he will just continue conversing with you and leaving a space for you to reply, then continuing anyway so you don’t feel ignored. Stu will use the opportunity to ramble to you, or watch your favourite movies together, keeping you close at all times.

Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice is one of the quickest to understand your silence, because he’s been around for quite a while and seen a lot in his decades being dead. He won’t press you to talk, but as soon as you fall silent, he knows. He’ll just hang around with you and fill the space by telling you things he likes about you, or dirty jokes and innuendos. Beej just likes you to be happy, whether you feel like talking or not. He gets really into playing charades with you when you’re mute, and it’s quite a lot of fun, but he never lasts long before he has to talk again.

The Man

He isn’t too concerned by your mutism, he has become used to when you will and won’t be talking. He’s likely one of the more gentle slashers in this regard, he will be silent too and just communicate through gentle whispers or touches, reminding you he’s still there for you for whenever you’re ready to talk. Super clingy though, he’s like a koala and wants to be constantly wrapped around you, especially when you’re feeling out of it or down.

Blissfield Butcher

Doesn’t understand why you won’t talk to him and thinks you’re giving him the silent treatment, so he gets all huffy with you. However, when you mumble an explanation, he feels a brief pang of guilt for reacting the way he did and will become super observant. Very protective, so if anyone makes fun of you or even looks at you weirdly for being so silent, he will growl in response and make a threatening gesture over your head at them so you’re blissfully unaware that he will literally rip into someone in a second who upsets you.

[jackass-lovemail]

Ok but I was always wondering (btw I don't think this is an x reader thing but you can make it idk) how would Michael be if instead of being sent to smith's grove sanitarium he just got therapy like normal ppl and now he is a "normal" 21 year old? Like maybe he gave up on the idea of killing but he is still kinda quiet and distant?? Idk I just want an AU where he gets actual help bc man deserves better

i rly like aus where slashers get help... its kinda comforting lol

i imagine tony moran michael btw :(( i dont rly like rz michael sorry !!

///

- So first of all he didn't kill his sister and her boyfriend. He thought about it though. He told his mother and she immediately went to get him actual help, rather than locking him up. He gets therapy and treatments. he's not 'evil incarnate', he's just mentally ill.

- He picks up drawing while getting treated at a young age, he uses it to vent his frustrations. Later on he picked up writing, as I think he'd read a lot.

- He collects comics n stuff

- He's still quiet and reserved. He has a hard time talking to people he doesn't know, especially in public where there's a bunch of eyes on him constantly. Like someone could ask him for directions and he'd be like "yeah" and speed walk off somewhere.

- I think he'd have a dog or cat or sm. and I just KNOW HE TALKS TO IT BRHUUHH

- "Should I go to the store and get this or nah :/"

- Animal staring

- "Yeah, I think so too"

- I think he wouldn't rly like a lot of horror movies bc a lot of them make mental illness a villainous thing

- He'd probably like those story telling video games if it was modern, like how telltale does. He'd suck at first person shooters though lmaooo

- He likes cooking but usually fucks it up. Like he tries to make a big banquet for the like, 2 people he calls friends and it ends up dry, burned, or watery. Usually sticks to TV dinners and takeout.

- It's probably the coveralls but I think he'd be good with vehicles??

- His relationship with his sister might be... awkward considering he had thoughts of killing her but yknow. He gets the help he needs and they try to move on from it!!

- As far as romance goes... I think he'd meet his s/o in a park or something. The park he frequents is usually empty due to the gloomy atmosphere so he kinda goes there to chill and read. If he has a dog then goodie! He takes them out to run around there.

- You took your own pet to the empty park to chill but they run off and you can't find them. Oh no!

- You notice a lone man sitting on a bench, reading a book. Brown curly hair, strong jaw. Good looking, in your opinion. He's reading something you recognize, but you don't want to be weird by pointing it out to him.

- If you're introverted and awkward, he'd probably be more open to interaction; someone like him, you understand.

- If you're extroverted... He'd probably be intimidated.

- So you go up to him and you're like "uhh have you seen an (animal) around? I just lost them,"

- He didn't but he offers to help look. This might sound contradicting to being introverted but it's a one on one interaction, nobody else is around. Saves himself the embarrassment of prying eyes.

- About 15 minutes of walking around, calling out for them, and talking, you find them. You're overjoyed, and Michael is glad you've got your companion back.

- You tell him you can return the favor, he declines but you insist. You'd feel bad if you didn't. So you buy him dinner from his favorite place n you join him.

- You guys talk n stuff n you guys click!!

- I might continue this idk

///

- ghost

[lucifers-horror-harem]

Alan Sharpe Yandere Alphabet (Slasher OC)

So I am aware I don’t even have an official character sheet or background information on this new yandere slasher of mine, however I find that some of these bits come to me in time. Plus, a bunch of small tidbits are in this alphabet post too. But I am always happy to answer asks about this boy cause it helps me get to know him a bit better too <3

The face claim is Kim Coates <3 I imagine Alan to be mid fifties in age.

Warnings for non con/dub con elements, uses of housewife/wife/kids/implied AFAB

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Alan is really emotionally and physically affectionate with his darling once he is certain they will accept it. He can be rather cold with someone who’s feisty or ungrateful and doesn't appreciate his love. He tends to go overboard spoiling his darling with material items and such, as money is no object for him. If he thinks something will make you happy he will do whatever it takes to get it for you.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

He will take care of whatever stands in the way between you and him. Ultimately he doesn't want to have to kill family or friends, but if they pose a threat to either of you or happen to find out his secrets they will have to go. Alan has people to take care of these things for him, but if they are a significant other or other love interest that makes him see red, he will take care of the matter himself. Violence and murder aren't new to him, when he was in his teens and early twenties he had a track record of hanging in the wrong crowds and going after anyone that stood in the way of his interests.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

If it were up to Alan, he would prefer to be sweet with you and as soon as he abducts you the two of you start the honeymoon phase of your relationship. But if you’re causing problems and trying to escape, he’ll treat you accordingly. He has no issue being cruel with you, getting into your head and insisting no one will love you like he can and how stupid you would have to be to not see the cushy life ahead of you, if only you accept his love. He doesn't really think its that hard of a choice.  

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

He would rather not force you to do anything you don't want to. All Alan wants is for you to love him, after all. But if time goes on and you continue to fight him, he might take more drastic measures to prove just how much he wants you. If you are being more docile and submissive, he might push boundaries and grope you as a way of teasing, but he will likely be more willing to wait for you. He has needs, after all. 

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

In the beginning of the relationship, Alan keeps his deepest feelings close to his chest and only tells his darling of the inconsequential things in his life. He wants a housewife type of partner so he always seems to like venting to you about how rough of a day he had at the office taking care of things, and him wanting to hear the same about your day in return (not that you can even go anywhere during the day). After a long period of time and trust he will slowly start to talk about deeper things with you, really opening up about what he wants and desires in his life. 

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Alan hates it, but in a sick way he enjoys correcting your behavior. While he much prefers a more docile and sweet darling he will be more than happy finding a reason to take out his frustrations on the person who has been causing all these problems. If you were good, he wouldn't have to do this, you know. 

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Love is something serious to Alan, and gets infuriated seeing his darling wanting to escape or attempting and failing. He will punish them accordingly, and hopefully they will learn their lesson. However, if his darling likes to indulge in bratty behavior but is still quite submissive and only wants to play, then he will be quite accommodating. He can be playful when he wants to, he just needs to feel comfortable enough to let that side of him out. 

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

The worst would be when they finally realize how dedicated Alan is to having you be his. It could be watching him kill with his bare hands in front of you for the first time, snuffing out the life of someone you know (a lover or someone who just got too close to you for Alan's comfort), and watching the glee in Alan's face as he did it, all while insisting he was doing it to protect you. Another possible contender would be finding out just how long and thoroughly he had been stalking you, waiting until just the right moment to strike. Even building trust with you, playing the kind and caring boss that everyone loves before showing his darker possessive side to you when you finally figure out what's going on. Once kidnapped, he would even use your social media to trick your family and friends into believing the two of you were together in a happy relationship under the radar (if you happened to work for him) when in reality you were trapped in one of his many homes against your will. 

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Ultimately, Alan is looking for a partner to play out the parts of life that everyone his age for the most part already have. The wife, kids, happy family, the whole shebang. He wants a partner that will stay at home, even if they don't want to do housework he can hire someone for that. But he goes feral over the idea of coming home from a long day at the office and seeing his wife finishing dinner for him and the kids. He had far from the typical home life as a child and longs for the stability and normalcy of it. 

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Alan gets insanely jealous, but he tends to reserve his anger for those who intend to steal you away from him. If all things work out for Alan, he would want you by his side at all business outings, and in those situations he wouldn't mind the casual conversation of people commenting on your beauty and how lucky of a man he is. It makes him proud and he wants you to feel special as well. But as a man he knows the way they look at you with less innocent intentions, even if they would never act upon them. That's what makes Alan's blood boil. He would never lash out at you specifically unless you actively encouraged others to flirt with you in front of him. He will make them pay in one way or another. 

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

In public he is the perfect gentleman, having you place a hand on his inner arm as he walks around. He is also known to keep a hand on the small of your back or hip to keep you close to him. While he does worry about you slipping away from him, he is naturally just a very touchy man and likes to have you within arms reach constantly. Will often bring your hand up to his lips to kiss your knuckles absent-mindedly as well. 

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

The most likely scenario of him finding a partner would be through his work, and while office romance is obviously not permitted because he’s the boss, it doesn’t stop him from being friendly. No one ever suspects him of anything because he is so kind and genuine with everyone. For his love, he would often give them the same treatment as everyone else with a bit of extra meaning behind his words. He would never directly ask them out, but he would be extra attentive and listening to you speak when you have conversations. People would probably call them a brown noser before even thinking that Alan had other motives in mind. He doesn’t give presents mostly because he doesn’t want to be seen as too forward, but if the opportunity arises he will pay for lunch or the coffee at the shop he just happened to bump into you at. 

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Absolutely. For the boss of an established business with many important clients, he is all around a genuine good boss to his employees. When he took the business over from his father after he suddenly passed, he made sure he did the opposite of what his father did when it came to treating his employees well. When people look at him they see a genuinely kindhearted man that they can’t believe isn’t married, as everyone else around his age typically is. He was married once though not many people know about it and he prefers to keep that and the majority of his past hidden away from prying minds.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

If he is in a good mood there will be a lot of torturous edging on his part. Alan has been known to favor tying up his partner and leaving them for hours until he comes back later to take care of them. He also loves spanking and impact play, knowing just how much you can handle before you cry, though if you’ve been bad he just might want to see you cry a little. If Alan is in a bad mood his punishments will be harsher, the bindings tighter, and will be fine seeing your tears pour freely as you beg for him to slow down.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

When he first kidnaps you he will take away almost everything, especially any sort of phone or internet for you to reach the outside world. He makes sure to have things for you to occupy yourself with and even your favorite hobbies and books. But if you continue to disobey, more of those things will be taken away from you. Once you start getting used to life with Alan, he will slowly give you more privileges as he trusts you with them.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Alan is much more patient with a willing partner, especially if they’re shy or inexperienced. He will bend over backward to slowly ease your way into the sexual things he wants from you, though sometimes he might cross your boundaries simply to see what happens. If you’ve been nothing but ungrateful to him, he will have a lot less patience and be more forceful with what he wants from you. He still cares about you though, and would rather not force you to be with him but if you give him no choice he just might. 

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

While the odds of leaving or escaping under his watch are very small, nevertheless he would be heartbroken and furious at you. How could you not understand what he was offering you? Who would pass up such a comfortable life? Most likely he will have you back with him shortly whether by himself or from his hired men, and your punishment will make you seriously consider escaping again. A part of him is terrified about police intervention, but it would take a lot for you to be able to get them or anyone on your side, and he would have the evidence disposed of quickly if that’s the road you chose. If you were to die, that would be another story. He would never be able to forgive himself, blaming himself for your death constantly whether it was his fault or not. Alan might be able to move on one day, but if his darling were to die it would only make him more cruel and cold when it came to the next person he set his sights on.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

The only time Alan might ever feel guilty would be years later after you were in love with him and had given him children, he might feel remorse for how he went about it, wondering if he could have seduced you normally. However those thoughts don’t last long, and he wouldn’t want to change the circumstances for the world. 

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Growing up as the son of a wealthy businessman and a high society woman, he has quite a bit of trauma. The majority was psychological abuse from his father constantly berating him for not being manly enough to take over the business, with Alan rebelling in every way he could just to make his father mad. His mother was rarely in the picture, as she did her own thing with her own people and rarely saw Alan. He was taken better care of by his nanny than either of his parents. The life he wants for himself is far removed from what he dealt with as a child.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

While he might feel bad for seeing his darling cry, he typically doesn’t feel bad seeing them upset. He knows this is an adjustment period for them, and eventually, they will calm down. If not, then he might see you as a spoiled brat who can’t think rationally.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Not sure if this is different, but he stalks his darling obsessively for a long period of time before kidnapping them. He uses all sorts of cameras and bugging equipment just to see you whenever he can’t be next to you. Alan needs to know everything about you for when you come to live with him and wants to make the transition as easy as possible.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

If his darling can find out anything about Alan’s past, it would be the closest thing they have to twist the metaphorical knife into his wounds. There are a lot of skeletons in his closet, some of them being things that were scrubbed from official records while others weren’t even found out. Be careful if you decide to go digging before he trusts you enough to tell you these things, he might have to hurt you horribly just for the breach of trust.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Definitely. While he emotionally manipulates them constantly into believing what he does is love, if push comes to shove he will physically harm his darling to make sure they don’t escape again. A broken arm or leg wouldn’t be unheard of with Alan, and one should be lucky if they get away with that little.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

To Alan, you are his entire world, a chance for him to start a family and have the normal life he always wanted. He would worship the ground you walk on, making sure you knew every second of every day how much he loved and cherished you, his savior. And if you don’t believe him, he will go to the ends of the earth and do whatever you ask within reason to prove to you just how much he loves you.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Alan might last at most a year simply watching his darling, especially if there is no competition from other partners. If someone else comes into the picture, Alan is quick to speed his plan along and kidnap you away before you can even grow attached to this person.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

While the sadistic part of him loves the idea of breaking his darling down, he ultimately wants them to accept him of their own free will. He might push and push until you bend under his will, but unless he is at his wit’s end he will do his best to keep you from completely breaking.

[mst3kproject]

The River of the Giant Alligator

A bunch of Italians pretending they’re not Italian in a movie about a guy who chose the wrong place to build a hotel… it’s like Avalanche by way of Devil Fish, with an alligator.  And racism.  You can’t have a 70’s Italian jungle movie without the racism, and this one layers it on real thick.  I think The River of the Giant Alligator has its MST3K bases covered.

Rich Asshole Joshua has opened Paradise House, a resort in the middle of the ‘virgin jungle’.  He proudly tells visitors that not only has he left the surrounding ecosystem undamaged, but he’s helping the local people by giving them jobs and improving their standard of living.  Naturally it’s not as simple as that.  Trouble begins when Sheena, the model they brought for their advertising photographs (just for a dash of Killer Fish), vanishes overnight.  Photographer Daniel and hotel manager Ally go to the locals looking for her, and are told that the River God has awakened and intends to drive the white people away by assuming the form of a giant crocodile and eating them all.  Considering how mind-bogglingly stupid the tourists in this movie are, that should take all of twenty minutes.

The locals, who call themselves the Kuma, have a name for their River God but it’s pronounced five different ways and I won’t guess how to spell it.  Because of the deep breathing sounds that presage its first appearance, I shall call the creature Darth Gator.

Let’s get the basics out of the way first.  The whole movie is dubbed and the voice actors are bad. The Darth Gator prop is completely immobile but they mostly keep it in the dark or in really tight shots so we don’t notice… it’s only the occasional ill-advised wide shot where it’s obviously fake enough to be funny.  There’s a spiky fence that exists mostly so that people can get impaled on it and a cloying little kid for no reason whatsoever.  The ‘wildlife’ is a stock footage smorgasbord that includes orangutans and hippos on the same river.  The worst effect in the film is a terrible miniature shot of the hotel on fire, which would have looked just fine if the people involved hadn’t forgotten that flames don’t scale.

So all that sucks, but is fairly harmless.  Now let’s talk about the racism.

We’ll start with the movie’s treatment of its two ‘love stories’, and I use the floating commas because neither of them quite qualifies. Daniel and Ally are the main ‘couple’ of the movie.  The camera lingers on each of them to show that he thinks she’s beautiful and she thinks he’s rugged, and they spend the whole movie hanging out on balconies and boats together and discussing whether the resort is good or bad for the local people… but they never get so much as a kiss.  This is kind of nice, actually, because there’s very little time to stop and make out when you’re being chased by a large carnivorous reptile.  It does, however, make for a hell of a contrast between them and the other ‘couple’ we see.

This is the model, Sheena, and her Kuma boyfriend. I am unclear on where this movie is set (the closest we get to a clue is Ally referring to the area as ‘the Orient’, which could honestly mean anything) but it’s perfectly clear that the reason they hired a black woman for their publicity photos is to make the place look ‘exotic’.  There’s a weird moment when Joshua attempts to flirt with Sheena by telling her, “it occurs to me that Eve herself may have been black”, which… yes, that is how human evolution worked, what about it?  All that aside, at the end of the day, Sheena runs off for a romantic evening with one of the tribesmen.  We never see her talk to this guy or have any clue what made her pick him over any of the others.  They just go fuck on a beach and then get eaten by an alligator.

So… we have blonde, blue-eyed white people having a perfectly chaste, wait-for-marriage love affair in which they actually get to know each other… and black people who run off with a stranger and screw out in the open like animals.  Holy shit.  I want to say I hope this wasn’t something the film-makers actively thought about, but it might be worse if they didn’t.  Naturally, this is also a version of the ‘people who have premarital sex must die’ trope from slasher movies, and the movie makes doubly sure we know this is Bad Behaviour by having Ally remark that the Kuma are forbidden from visiting ‘the Island of Love’ on the full moon.

The deaths of Sheena and Nameless Kuma Guy also begin a pattern that lasts almost the entire movie.  Even though we’re told, repeatedly, that Darth Gator wants to drive the white people out of his jungle, for the vast majority of the running time it’s the brown people who are getting chomped.  We’re told that twelve white missionaries came here years ago and Darth Gator ate all but one of them, who then became a crazy jungle man (not gonna lie, Father Jonathan was my favourite character and I wish we’d seen more of him).  We see Sheena, her boyfriend, and the boyfriend’s brother get eaten alive.  Furthermore, most of the white deaths in the movie are at the hands of the Kuma, who run in and kill the tourists with spears and fire arrows in the belief that they’re doing their god’s bidding, and much of this happens offscreen. Those hit by the arrows quickly fall into the water and vanish from sight.  The only time the camera lingers on a white person dying is Joshua, who I guess they think deserved it.  The impression one gets is that white death is a horror better implied than shown, while brown death is a spectacle.  Again… holy shit.

The River of the Giant Alligator can’t seem to decide what we’re supposed to think about the Kuma people.  Early in the film they’re portrayed as victims.  These foreigners have invaded their land and built this giant hotel, and claimed to be helping them by giving them ‘work’. Ally notes that they’ll be able to live longer, healthier lives, but Daniel wonders if it’s worth it when they’ve basically become Joshua’s slaves.  The movie leaves this question hanging there without exploring it any further. When Daniel and Ally come looking for information about the alligator attacks, the Kuma direct them to Father Jonathan, knowing they’re more likely to believe a white man, even one who’s obviously not quite all there.  The movie really wants to be about the exploitation of indigenous peoples, treated as decorations and curiosities by white tourists.

The problem is, it wants to eat that cake, too.  By the end of the story, the Kuma have devolved into stock savages.  They attack the hotel and kill everybody, and kidnap Ally so they can tie her to a horizontal King Kong contraption as a sacrifice. The ending just makes it all the more confusing, as they turn up to discover that their god has been blown to bloody chunks after biting into a van full of explosives, and they cheer and they just leave.  Is it really that easy to kill a god?  Won’t a dead god demand vengeance anyway?  Does this mean they actually like the white people after all, and were only angry because Darth Gator was eating them?

The ending also muddles the movie’s other point, about the nature of eco-tourism.  One of the selling points of Paradise House is that it’s in the middle of virgin jungle.  Joshua brags about how he’s left the surrounding ecosystem untouched – but then we cut straight to trees being cleared using dynamite, and later we see live piglets being thrown into the river to keep the crocodiles hanging around so people can gawk at them.  You can’t build a hotel in the middle of a place and then call it ‘virgin jungle’.  You’re the one who violated it!

The script is a little unclear on whether Darth Gator is a natural or supernatural threat.  Ally and Daniel insist that it’s no mere alligator (I don’t think this movie knows the difference between crocodiles and alligators any better than I do) and Father Jonathan seems to believe it’s the Devil Himself, but it certainly dies like a flesh-and-blood creature.  Whatever its nature, it’s clear enough that Darth Gator represents the jungle striking back at these intruders to drive them out.  The Kuma literally say as much.  So what are we to take from the fact that it dies at the end?  Have we won the right to destroy the forest by killing its guardian?  I don’t believe the people who make these movies think this stuff through.

I can tell that we’re supposed to hate the tourists, and we do, although not always for the reasons the movie wants us to. Minnow, the red-haired little girl who ‘only likes to play with boys’, tries so hard to be Adorable that you want to punt her across the room.  Her mother leaves her to wander around the hotel alone, because Mummy’s got a smarmy mustached boyfriend to bang (even this relationship gets more attention than Sheena and Unnamed Kuma Guy, by the way… we are told that Mummy and Mustache have met before, and are here mostly to see each other rather than the jungle).  Other notable annoyances include a lady who seems perfectly sane until she starts talking about the aliens, and a guy who loves to complain about Youth These Days and will seize any opportunity to do so.

I kinda wanna gripe about these obnoxious characters, but I don’t feel like I can.  You may recall that I spent a month stuck on a cruise ship earlier this year.  I can tell you definitively that these people do exist, and I hate them even more in real life.

Man, this could have been a fun monster movie.  I’ve seen movies about man-eating crocodiles (or alligators… does it honestly matter that much?) that I really enjoyed.  Primeval wasn’t even that bad – it was about how humans are more monstrous than anything nature can produce.  Lake Placid had that immortal bit where Betty White says if I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.  The River of the Great Alligator is just boring bullshit and things that seem kinda racist on the surface but then you think about them a little longer and realize they’re incredibly racist.  I went into this one hoping to like it, but it absolutely pissed on the last shreds of my optimism... like a lot of other things in 2020.

[ziracona]

And I hate to do this- So on that thread, not that he's as bad, why do you think Michael is redeemable? (and also Frank) Especially by his main victim? :? I hope that isn't as bad or as judgmental as I think it sounds... - Sleepy (its like 5am here :3 living up to my name i see)

So, these I gave a short and a long answer for under cut, but forgot I’m on mobile and can’t do that. I can tag it “long post” but uhhh, sorry about this. Anyway, thats why Frank comes in two chunks. I wrote it expecting to be able to use a read more. :’-] also ya fine. And I hope you’re in bed 🤣 now. Okay so. Here’s my reasons:

For Michael, to start, Halloween is complicated af. You have to know what timeline people are talking about, because there are like 8+ and Michael has been written as a wildly different character by wildly different content creators, and I would not feel the same ways towards them all. They’re not the same character. When I talk about Michael, unless I’m going on about a specific other film, I mean either H20 canon, or DbD canon, which are in line with each other when it comes to characterization. (This also includes Halloween’s 1 & 2 in the H20 line, and Halloween 1 at least in DbD). In those timelines, Michael has like at best 2% agency and choice in his own life and what he becomes. That’s why I am sympathetic. I still root for Laurie to nail his ass to the wall of course, and everything he has done to hurt someone isn’t okay just because his life is unfair & awful & out of his control, but I still find him a very tragic character. He was canonically suffering violent psychosis his parents refused him treatment for, isolated with a monster as his doctor & only human contact for 15 years from age 6 on, overdosed on medications that when OD’d worsen psychosis symptoms and can cause permanent brain damage, and stuck like that until escaping briefly when he turned 21.

In Halloween canon, Michael tells his parents he hears voices telling him to do bad things like hurt people, but they tell him he is imagining stuff, and ignore his attempts to get help. The voices say they will be quiet, which is what he desperately wants, if he kills his sister Judith. So he does, at age six. Scientifically speaking, that’s literally too young to really have a complete grasp on death and mortality itself, let alone complex ethics. He immediately goes to his parents after doing the deed, so they can do whatever they need to do. Instead of getting him help, he is sentenced to 15 years in a 1960s American sanitorium (hell), until he turns 21 and can be tried for murder as an adult (fucking ridiculous and unfair?? Tried as an adult is for like, upper teens who commit heinous murders. How tf you justify trying a six year old literally too young to really understand murder as an adult for murdering someone??). They give him to Dr. Sam Loomis, a fucking horrible person, who says he spends 8 years trying to help Michael (a fkn lie), but canonically by only a few months of meeting the kid is thoroughly convinced he is evil, the devil or a demon in human form, faking his psychosis and side effect symptoms (trauma induced mutism from killing his sister, onset of catatonia/motion loss symptoms, etc, all of which are common with his disorder & trauma), desperate to kill again, and an evil mastermind doing the devil’s work, and says so. Spends four hours every day accusing Michael as a six year old child on, of planning to do horrible things and faking his illness and being a demon and not a human, and Loomis, from age 6 to 21, is this kid’s only human contact. And the staff knew it and how wrong and disturbed Loomis was, but did nothing. So from age 6 to 21—barring one or two visits from his mom & Laurie before his dad beat 4 year old Laurie for saying Michael’s, who he hated after Judith’s death, name—until she trauma blocked out having had a brother or sister at all, and then both parents died in a car crash—his only human contact in complete isolation was an adult man who told him for four hours a day he was an evil lying demon faking his symptoms and plotting murder and not a human and promised he would kill Michael and stop him, from childhood on, and that was it. He was never given an understanding of what was medically wrong with him, or that anything was at all. He was threatened and abused and kept overdosed on drugs for 15 years since early childhood, and his only understanding of the world taught in that absolute isolation, was that he was a demon who wanted to get out and kill again. And the violent psychosis, telling him if he killed both sisters, they would go away and leave him in peace with no more constant noise. With no normal understanding of the world or people or life like he was owed ever given to him, no understanding at all of what you were going through or were aside from the promise drilled into your head you were a monster who wanted to kill every day for 15 years while drugged up? Like, I’m a firm believe people are responsible for their own actions, but in a case as extreme as that, honestly, how else was that ever going to even be able to end? You forget, as a child. Who you used to be. That’s beyond grooming even, it’s being grown in a lab for the sole purpose of someday walking out, taking a large kitchen knife, and killing Laurie Strode. And it’s tragic. It’s unfair. Halloween is a tragedy, not a horror film. It didn’t have to be that way. He wanted help. He asked for help. Loomis is directly and pretty much solely responsible for the lives lost in 1978. You know he won’t even call Michael “him”? The only human he contact he had since age six on called him “it.” And no one stopped any of that. And even then. Even then, even with all that. With the drugs, and the lab grown killer, and all of it? Michael is pretty much the single least sadistic slasher killer there /is/.

Everyone he kills in Halloween? He kills fast. It’s actually kind of boring if you’re expecting a scary slasher, because there’s no chase until Laurie. He just appears, runs you through, and you die. Very fast. And if there is any emotion expressed towards the act of killing or aftermath, it’s not pleasure or hate or happiness, it’s curiosity, because literally everything is something he wasn’t allowed to experience growing up and just has no practical experience with yet. And on top of all that, he also just doesn’t kill people he doesn’t have to. He kills one man for clothes, kills Annie to re-do Judith’s murder since it didn’t work the first time and he needs both sisters for the voices to stop, and he kills Bob and Lynda becuase they stumble onto where he is & are a threat to success. (This + Judith 15 years prior is all the deaths in Halloween period, btw). Michael routinely only kills his target, and anyone who is a threat to success. Literally doesn’t even jump out to kill Bob or attack until Bob opens the door to the closet he was hiding in, and he has been seen. Walks past a security guard and lets him go in H20 becuase he doesn’t see him, steals keys from a mom with her 4 year old kid and doesn’t even hurt them because they don’t see him really either, steals a knife from an old lady making a sandwich who is one foot away but looking the other direction, so he lets her go. Even with all the possible stakes against him, really, Michael is like, the least cruel and most sympathetic and merciful version of that lab grown killer possible, which can only be a testament to the person he was initially/still somehow has managed to keep faint traces of alive inside.

As for Laurie finding him redeemable, answer is threefold I guess, and I’ll start with the most important. 1: in Halloween canon, Laurie cares for Michael and is incredibly sad about what he turned into and wishes he could be different (once she remembers who he is). That’s established canon, not a choice of mine. In Halloween 2, she tries to talk him down before shooting him, and he hesitates when she says his name and lowers his weapon for a moment. In H20, she talks about him a lot & even asks her boyfriend (a psychologist) if he thinks something so traumatic can happen to someone that they can never recover, bc even though she hasn’t seen him in 20 years, he’s still on her heart. She hesitates to kill him once she has him helpless in the finale, and when he reaches out for her hand, she almost cries and starts to reach back because it’s what she has truly wanted for so long. 2: Michael & Laurie are siblings, and that’s a very important relationship to me. Obviously, there’s lines where you cross, it’s fkn over, but it is special, and I’m weak for it. They were both cheated of the good family life they could have had, and I like characters I care for getting recovery and rehabilitation, and I would like them to be able to recover and have whatever fragments of the lives they wanted which are still possible. And then 3: Laurie is his victim, but they’re also both victims of Loomis, and the system, and her parents, and if she does /wish/ for him to be okay and things to be like they were, which was canon before me, so she does, then I think them finding happiness and her relief and new hope in regained family and him redemption and rehabilitation through the quite literally only person he has /ever/ known who treated him well or like even a human at all & is still living, that’s so good. It’s sweet, and it makes sense. I like broken people putting the pieces together and finding ways to be okay. None of the shit that happened to either of them was okay, and Michael sure did fucking do it, but it’s about as “it’s complicated” as literally possible, and Laurie wants him to be her brother again, and Michael deserves a chance to experience personhood enough to want anything like that again too, and I think it’s sweet. To be able to find happiness and peace and a new life in that rubble. It shouldn’t be possible, because Halloween is a tragedy that never gets a happy ending, no matter how many timelines they create or versions they tell, but I wish it could have one. It needs one. At least one, among all the fated tragedies for those two cruelly cursed siblings. They both had their lives stolen. Michael by Loomis, and Laurie by Michael. And I want them to find those stolen lives again. And if they can do it together, that’s a very odd and unusual set of circumstances for that kind of thing, but it’s a very complete way to tell the story. He tried to kill her, but if she asked him to stop and he stopped, if he himself chose to change on his own, when it really, really mattered—decided that it was what he wanted more than all the things he was before, and she decided that was enough, and they could both have a future as family? I like that. It’s a happy ending stolen back.

Long Frank Answer, in case you /have/ read ILM & thus short answer did not answer your question: So. Again, for me, I always talk about Frank as in the version of him I myself write, and I wrote ILM before the archives retcon, and also just ignore them because they’re usually dumb and blatantly contradict well established and longstanding canon. Even then, I usually don’t like Frank though—didn’t like him when I started writing ILM. But Frank has very little established canon character. All there is for sure is he was a foster kid that went through some bad stuff, he met Julie and changed his mind about desperately trying to be homed somewhere other than with Clive bc he liked Julie a lot, he met Susie and Joey, they became a gang chilling in Ormond’s abandoned lodge, then tried to rob a store Joey was fired from, were surprised by a cleaner who grabbed Julie, and Frank impulse stabbed him, freaked, and ordered the others to finish it with him and be in it together. Then before they’d even really finished burying the body, they got snagged. That leaves a whole lot of personality and thoughts and motivations and future choices and person wildly undetermined. Writing, sometimes characters just do their own thing completely out of my control, and I have to adapt. Frank chose not to kill Meg at the end of Tenacity, Adrenaline, & Grit, which surprised me, because he’d been nothing but a dipshit asshole bastard till one minute ago, but I knew it was because he recognized what she’d tried to do at great pain to herself because she wouldn’t bow down and die, and he connected/empathized or sympathized on some level. He also couldn’t go through with killing Quentin immediately after being helped by him in Distortion/Iron Maiden. Neither was like, planned. It’s just who the character was. I was frustrated. I did not want to like or feel sympathy for Frank at all. Then in The Lost, Jeff just fkn hijacked the whole plot and added 20 pages not in the outline because he wanted to be kind to Frank & it’s not like I can stop characters when they do whatever they do. And while writing it, I got to know that the version of Frank Morrison in the world I was writing—which is always the version I refer to/think of him as & write now myself—was not somebody past saving. He’s a piece of shit and he’s done fucked up and inexcusable stuff, and he pays for it. In many ways, Frank gets away with a lot over the course of ILM, but it’s always because characters choose on their own to forgive him, not because they or he doesn’t think it was fucked. And Frank suffers—a lot—for his choices, and has to live through appropriate and large amounts of regret and remorse about stuff he did before the end. He gets the chance to make better choices several times, and mostly he doesn’t. He continues to fuck up. But right near the end, he makes a couple good decisions when it’s down to the wire, sees where his bad choices got him and what he has to live with, and then he does live with it. He almost dies, and then ends up falling on Jeff’s mercy, which he knows he doesn’t deserve and doesn’t expect to get, for a last chance to make it, and because Jeff is an ungodly kind and forgiving soul, he makes it.

Frank isn’t a good person, and he does a lot of stuff that isn’t remotely okay or justified or excused, but he /is/ a kid—the upper end of it, but he’s not a full grown adult. He has every reason to believe nothing of himself or others, a fucked up childhood and life which isn’t his fault, and the Entity got all four Legion kids before they’d even had time to process the one and only violent crime they did (which was unplanned), and it is historically running a PHD in psychological warfare vs everyone. Absolutely none of that excuses or justifies him, but it is an explanation for some of it that is not as bad as say, doing that shit for fun or cruelty or hate or what have you, which makes him a bad person, but one with a lot more humanity left than say, Kenneth. Who is at -100 or something. If he’s still got a lot of humanity left, that means he could be redeemed, and he eventually chooses that path for himself and hits the appropriate “I did something horrible. Fuck. It was really bad. I should not have done it.” “I am really sorry I did this. I feel awful. I’m sorry.” “I cant change it, but I can try to do better and make whatever reparations I can.” “I want to be better, and I am going to try.” necessary stages of actually trying to improve. So, I like him. He did a lot of really awful shit that wasn’t okay, but he was never without sympathetic elements. He does love his friends and his girlfriend, he is a good boyfriend to Julie and selfless towards her and his crew (overall anyway—has even risked death for them very willingly, even the one who was fighting with/kinda hated him), will keep his word in deals and has some semblance of both sympathy and honor, feels guilt, is a kid, did not choose this life but was rather catapulted into it and too weak to climb out once he landed in the mud. All of that together makes him someone I feel sympathy towards and find quite redeemable, so long as he will decide he wants that, which, in ILM, he does. If you just meant Frank in general then idk how to answer because there’s not much established Frank period it’s kinda a shell like all original dead by daylight characters, and I have no thoughts on it by itself because it’s not a whole person, and so I really only think of Frank as ILM verse Frank now.

[slashermom]

Do you think,if its possible could you do a hc for the slashers ( Bo and Vicente Sinclair, Michael Myers ect) with a reader who's a knife maker or into some type of blade work.

This was a really interesting write! Thank you for sending it in!

Out of all the people that have stumbled into Bo’s little town, you’re probably one of the coolest.

You make knifes?? That’s hot

But honestly he’s pretty interested in the process of it all.

He likes to watch you start from nothing and then create a thing that has the power to take life away.

He loves to hear you talk about the different types of blades there are while he works at the service station.

Bo can appreciate someone who is dedicated to their craft like he is with cars.

Will 100% get jealous if you and Lester bond over your share loved for knifes.

I like stabby things too, pay attention to me

Make this boy a pocket knife with yours and his initials carved into the handle and he will carry it around for the rest of his days.

He is mesmerized.

Vincent automatically sees the beauty in your work and greatly appreciate it.

Wants to get your opinion on his knifes. Praise his handy work on the handles and he will be putty in your hands.

But if you point out what can improve he will definitely take note of it and will try anything you recommend. Your opinion really matters to him

Will love it if you work down in the basement with him.

Not only does he appreciate having your company but he also gets to see you in your element.

Admires every small burn or cut that you’ve gotten over the years of working on blades.

Vincent wants you teach him how to shape blades and how to make sure they’re balanced.

If you ever stepped a little out of your comfort zone and made him small sculpting tools he would probably cry.

Well, that’s different.

He’s never met someone who’s trick of the trade is creating knifes.

But he’s definitely into it.

He admires from afar while you work, wondering how such dainty fingers can create something like that.

Makes Michael feel a little better that you make blades, he associates it with you know how to protect yourself.

He has snuck up on you a few times while you were working and has almost gotten your latest creation in his side.

You once caught him reading your old books on heat treatment and forging.

You and Michael have a deeper understanding of each other because of this.

Michael will bring you his knife everytime it gets a chip or has a bend in it and ask shove it toward you to fix it for him.

You start to notice that his knife starts getting chipped more often. And it’s totally not because he wants to see you doing what you do best.

[nitrateglow]

(Slightly rambling) Thoughts on Dressed to Kill (1980)

Oh man, this might turn out to be a rant, so be warned. Also, there will be spoilers after the cut, but to be honest, if you’ve seen Psycho, you know what the spoilers are going to be pretty much, so what’s the point?

I remember in Tim Brayton’s review of the reviled Gus Van Sant Psycho remake, he said the one good thing the movie does is remind people why the original movie is such a great film. Dressed to Kill, Brian De Palma’s kind-of homage to Psycho, does much the same thing for me.

Because man, I did not like this. I’m sure some will protest “you just don’t get it, you don’t get the meta qualities about Laura Mulvey and Hitchockian sadism etc.”

No, guys. I get it. In a distanced way, I can even appreciate those ideas. But when these things are grafted to a sloppy and shockingly not-that-visceral thriller story, why should I care unless I’m writing a dissertation?

Just from preliminary reading in college film classes, I expected my worst possible reaction to Dressed to Kill to be meh or mild annoyance. Brian De Palma is known for his “Hitchcock movies,” the only one of which I had seen prior being Obsession, a riff on Vertigo that skates close to plagiarism while still having its own feel and unique twists. Not a perfect movie, but an enjoyable thriller with interesting set-pieces and cinematic storytelling.

DTK has some of this: the museum scene is rightfully celebrated, for one, very much in the spirit of silent film. Angie Dickinson’s neglected housewife is very sympathetic, about the only character the film bothers providing any emotional center or soul. The music is very Bernard Hermann, often providing ironic counterpoint to particular scenes.

Unfortunately, DTK comes off as an experiment in cold mechanics in style and cinematography. As far as that goes, it’s interesting, serving as a kind of meta-commentary on the voyeurism inherent to cinema as an art.

I don’t mind style over substance movies, and the style here is a blend of Hitchcock, Bunuel, and giallo slasher, so I can’t quite place why I am so frustrated by this movie and not at least okay with it. Maybe it’s a feeling that it didn’t have to be so hollow or sloppy. I wasn’t really scared by the horror stuff nor did I often find the tongue-in-cheek stuff that intriguing or funny.

There are some things to like: the dreamlike quality of particular scenes prefigures what Stanley Kubrick would do in his own erotic thriller Eyes Wide Shut. I actually admire the opening scene, an erotic shower scene revealed to be a fantasy the Dickinson character is having in the middle of bad sex with her apathetic husband. Those three minutes alone say a lot about “the gaze” and voyeurism and objectification than most anything else in the movie.

But for every good sequence, there lies a corresponding bad one-- like the shower scene which bookends the movie. Only this time, De Palma is ripping himself off, redoing the final nightmare in Carrie, only here it does not work. In Carrie, the “gotcha!” works because it illustrates that the bullies who so tormented Carrie were still vulnerable kids themselves and they will be traumatized by what happened at the prom.

In DTK? It’s just a gimmicky scare, an attempt to end the film on a bang. But it doesn’t. It’s just an empty bit of nothing, which is a shame, since the dream itself might be the creepiest and most effective suspense piece in the whole film.

Other things I don’t like? There’s Nancy Allen’s chipper call girl, who takes over the way Vera Miles does in Psycho, only while Miles’ worst flaw is that her character is dull, Allen is actively annoying with unconvincing line readings that feel like a kid playing dress-up. Michael Caine is comatose. Keith Gordon is actually good as Dickinson’s teen prodigy son, but he’s underused to a criminal degree.

Oh, and you know that one scene everyone hates in Psycho? The psychiatrist exposition dump at the end? This movie has its own variant on that too. Because... I don’t know.

The film also gets a lot of flak for being sexist since the central murder victim is essentially punished and humiliated for wanting a satisfying sex life, but I’m shocked no one talks about its treatment of its transgender characters or that one rather racist scene on a subway (at first, I thought that whole bit was a hallucination from the Allen character, revealing her paranoia, but no, it’s revealed as actual).

So yeah... I’m just so disappointed. I have similar feelings about Hitchcock’s own attempt at a sleazy shocker, Frenzy. I will admit I like this more than Frenzy, if only because it’s marginally more entertaining to watch, but not by much.

I’ll just close this post with a comment on Tim Brayton’s review of the film. User WBTN sums up the way I feel about this one pretty well:

More than any of De Palma's films, Dressed to Kill frustrates me, even if I've settled towards "I enjoy it a little, maybe even a lot". The sociology is a waste (not just the "trans people are murderous freaks with multiple personalities" angle, but a concentrated dash of "eeh! black people are scary!" in the subway scene), and it's easiest to accept that as the film's ultimate meaning, if you're looking for it. In a more generous mood, I don't think the film has any meaning; it's just bait. Glossy, self-reflexive Bait for everyone on De Palma's wavelength or against it and all in-between (hence the doubling down on everyone's least-favorite part of Psycho; hence the unsatisfying climax; hence the last-shot steal from Carrie, et cetera).

6/10

[fibula-rasa]

October 2018 in Review

October was way more hectic than I thought it would be and I didn’t watch as many movies as I usually do. I spent a week in Korea (a post about my visit to the Korean Film Archive will be up soon!) And I was motivated to watch a lot of new movies (a.k.a. was on a long-haul flight).

You may have already heard the news, but the irreplaceable Filmstruck is shuttering this month after two wonderful years. Fair warning: I’ll probably spend a good deal of this month (November) trying to watch as many new-to-me movies in my queue as I can. I think I’ll try and write them up quickly over on my letterboxd, we’ll see!

Also, though The Vamps was intended to be an October series, the month’s general hecticness meant I didn’t get the final essay finished before the end of the month. So, in November, you all have that post to look forward to. (See if you can guess who it is! Hint: she’s a Dane.)

The reviews below are essentially transcriptions of the notes I took right after watching the films. They’re presented in the order in which I watched them. 

Enough blathering, on to the movies. BELOW THE JUMP!

Dolls (1987)

29 May 1987 | 77 min. | Color

As a long-time devotee of the Band family’s productions, I’m always down for a Band film I haven’t seen. (When I was a kid, we probably spent a dozen times what it would have cost to buy Pet Shop (1994) renting it from Dollar Video.)

Yes, I did talk about haunted doll movies in my last roundup but this one was more fun, okay? The cast of characters are a great larger-than-life assortment of weirdos. I wish that 1980s English punks would just keep popping up in horror films after the 1980s. I particularly liked the performance of the little girl’s father. In most other movies, it would be a terrible performance, but in Dolls, it’s pitch perfect.

Dolls is a fairytale story that creates the atmosphere of a child’s viewpoint. The dolls are scary and do scary things, but, of course, they can be reasoned with.

As with many Full Moon movies, Dolls had a great balance of scares and campy humour. The doll designs are gross and fun–especially their wet, bloodshot eyes.

Dolls is a great choice for someone who watched a lot of Are You Afraid of the Dark? growing up and wants a “grown-up” version of that.

Funland (1987)

16 October 1987 | 98 min. | Color

After watching Dolls on Amazon Prime, this film was recommended. From the plot description and the featured image, we expected a fun slasher film. And, with William Windom (who I’m pretty sure took time off of Murder, She Wrote to make this movie!!!) in the cast, we couldn’t resist. What we got was… a… comedy? I guess?

There’s no doubting that there are some talented performers in this movie, but it’s just not funny. The only reason I’m writing about Funland at all is that it’s a good example of the kind of cheesy movie where you can see what could have been a good (or at least more interesting) movie underneath the movie that was actually made.

How exactly do you think: “I’m gonna make a movie about a killer clown fighting mobsters!” and then come up with this movie? I wrote a much longer complaint but, I won’t subject you to it. In short, Funland doesn’t execute its plot very well.

I definitely wouldn’t recommend this one. However, I am curious if any Atlanta natives have feelings about this movie? It seems like it features a lot of locals.

Flying Air Canada

The movie below are what I watched on my plane journeys to and from Seoul. I was flying Air Canada and I need to rant for a sec before moving on to my thoughts on the films.

There are a lot of reasons why captions (or subtitles, if you’re British) are necessary. They’re needed by lots of people, including people who aren’t d/Deaf or hard of hearing. If you want to learn more about why captions are good Jessica Kellgren-Fozard has you covered.

Personally, I have sensory processing disorder (SPD). This prompts me to have captions on when I watch most things. At home, I do this because not every movie or TV show I watch has decent sound mixing. It seems to be an art a lot of film/video makers are neglecting nowadays. Ho hum. I keep captions on so I don’t need to constantly change the volume. On a plane, my SPD is significantly worse because the noise of the plane is so loud that there’s little to no chance of me catching dialogue without raising the volume too high for my own comfort. Unlike the airlines I travel on within the US, Air Canada’s captioned offerings are practically nonexistent. That’s why so many of the movies I ended up watching were foreign-language (or ASL) films–they came with English subtitles.

Now, Air Canada, listen: Most of the movies you had on offer are definitely available with captions elsewhere. Even in theaters they likely had open-caption screenings. What is the deal? Seriously.

Anyway, sometimes I take for granted that we do some things right in America.

Okay, back to movies.

Mary Shelley (2017)

9 September 2018 | 120 min. | Color

This film didn’t have captions, which honestly might have weighed negatively on my experience of it. I was excited to see Mary Shelley. Mary and Percy Shelley are two of my absolute favorite literary historical figures and I love their work. This movie was a let down. It seemed like it was meant to be a character piece but the characters felt more like types than people. Also, don’t get me wrong here: I give no ground to fuckboys, but the depiction of Percy Shelley felt particularly oversimplified.

A Quiet Place (2017)

9 March 2018 | 90 min. | Color

Everybody raving about this movie was totally right. Definitely check it out if you haven’t already. Even if you’re not big on horror, it’s worth a shot.

How Long Will I Love U (2018)

18 May 2018 | 101 min. | Color

Scrolling through Air Canada’s film options, I got the feeling that time-travel romance is pretty popular right now in China and Korea? I think I picked the right one to watch in How Long Will I Love U. The premise put me in mind of The Lake House (2006), a movie I don’t like but can never resist watching when it’s on TV. This movie is a lot better than The Lake House. The premise is pretty cool and the plot is spurred on by a proper sci-fi concept. The leads are very cute together. I love that the main characters both kinda suck but become better people in getting to know one another. The special effects are good looking, conceptually fun, and not excessive.

I highly recommend this one. It’d probably be a great date movie or a Friday-night-with-some-Chunky-Monkey-and-a-cuddly-pet movie.

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable — Chapter 1 (2017)

4 August 2017 | 119 min. | Color

Listen. I have friends who are big fans of the JoJo manga and anime. I have never read any of the manga and couldn’t get past the first episode of the anime. That said, when I saw Takashi Miike directed this live-action adaptation of a story arc in the multi-generational JoJo series, I hit that play button right fast. Then, to my surprise, I enjoyed it! I often struggle with the visuals in live-action adaptations of anime and manga, but I loved how Diamond is Unbreakable played with the characters’ unique styling and design. The superhero-like story drew me in a lot faster than the anime and might just get me to look into some of the manga.

This movie might be a hard sell for a lot of people but if you wanna see something that’s out there and imaginative with supernatural overtones, Diamond is Unbreakable might be fun for you. Don’t worry–it’s easy to follow even if you don’t know who Joseph Joestar is. (Yes, that really is a character’s name.)

Un Traductor / A Translator (2018)

19 January 2018 | Color

I had no idea that following the Chernobyl disaster, some of the victims were sent to Cuba for medical treatment. I also had no idea that the program continued until 2011?! So, Un Traductor was a modern history lesson for me! Un Traductor is a model film for propaganda filmmaking–and I mean that in a fully complimentary way. The film does an admirable job of communicating how life for Cubans changed with the fall of the Soviet Union and how they adjusted to persevere.

You can probably gather from what you just read that this isn’t a fun watch, but it’s worthwhile if you have any interest in modern Cuban history.

A Casa Tutti Bene / There is No Place Like Home (2018)

14 February 2018 | 105 min. | Color

I don’t have a lot to say about this one frankly. It’s a decent family dramedy. Massimo Ghini and Sabrina Impacciatore both turn in good performances. *shrugs in Italian*

That’s all for this month’s roundup! Are you all ready for Noirvember? How about Kicksgiving? If you’re a Filmstruck subscriber, what are you marathoning this month?

[teaandgames]

The Tea Times - August 2019

A rather chaotic month full of mortgage applications and talks with solicitors has passed me by without me really noticing its existence. We’re almost three quarters of the way through the year? What? My chaotic life aside, it doesn’t actually look like I’ve missed too much, presumably because we’re in the run up to Christmas. As usual, we have a few scandals to touch on though.

At a Glance

World of Warcraft: Classic released. Blair Witch to be released..

System Shock 2 Enhanced Edition, Mario Kart Tour, Orcs Must Die 3 and Yakuza Remastered announced.

Dead by Daylight is getting a Stranger Things tie in.

Hades comes to Steam Early Access in December.

Borderlands 3 will not be able to pre-load.

Age of Empires 4 gameplay to be revealed in November.

Telltale Games has been picked up.

The Releases

World of Warcraft: Classic came to the screens of the Blizzard obsessed on the 27th August. I’ve not really played World of Warcraft, to be honest with you. It’s one of those games I’ve had a constant passing interest in but never had the cash to explore. I was quite into Warcraft 3, and the original Orcs & Humans, so it kinda made sense. Ah well. Now though, the chance calls to explore what it could have been like. I mean, I probably won’t, but hey the choice is there.

Blair Witch, Bloober Team’s latest scare ‘em up, is set to be released tomorrow, the 30th April. It’s something I will inevitably pick up in time, though I’m still a little burned from Layers of Fear 2. There are competent people over at Bloober Team, but they’ve not really shone as yet. I’m not sure if the Blair Witch Project, or the weak remake, is going to be the foundation for their big break however.

The Announcements

There are quite a few of those, so let’s start with a fairly brief one. System Shock 2, a game that laid the foundations for a lot of modern sci-fi horror, is getting a remake. I played for about an hour of the original and enjoyed my time with it. The prospect of playing it without all the warts is very appealing. Too soon for any date or anything and it’s all done through a tweet, so best have some salt handy.

Mario Kart Tour is to be the latest entry into the series, presumably. I use ‘presumably’ because it’s a mobile game, something that I was not expecting and honestly I’m not sure who asked for that. Okay, yeah, portability but trying to control anything with a touch screen is a pain in the arse. That aside it looks fantastic, so if your phone has a good bit of grunt behind it, might be worth checking out. It releases on September 25th.

Orcs Must Die 3 came swinging out of left field, the latest entry in a series that pretty much dropped off the map. It’s a blend of tower defence and action game, where you get stuck into combat when your traps don’t do the trick. It was a pretty neat blend, to be honest, and it was one of the first in my memory to do it, along with Sanctum. It’s to be a timed exclusive on Stadia, of all things, which may well end up being it’s death knell.

If you’ve read my writing this year, you’ll know I’m excited for Yakuza Remastered, a remake of Yakuza 3 through 5. It won’t be quite as involved as Kiwami 1 and 2, as the graphics from 3 up aren’t quite as rough. For the moment, it’s just on PlayStation 4 but I’m sincerely hoping they come to PC soon. Yakuza 3 is out already, with 4 coming out later this year and 5 next year. It’s a good time for musclemen.

Death by Strange Things

In a fairly unexpected (though in hindsight not that unexpected) move, Dead by Daylight is getting a Stranger Things DLC. Complete with series characters Nancy and the man with the great hair, Steve Harrington. Up against them is the Demogorgon from the first series, with its mouth flapping about as always. The survivors get unique perks as well, with one of Steve’s giving bonuses to people you pull off a hook. He remains a soft boy, I love him.

I put this in a separate category just to highlight how many different franchises are being thrown into this game. We’ve got every horror villain you could think of. While you could argue that they’ve essentially sold out, I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make the most of its slasher film vibe.

Go To Hell

I don’t like to speak ill of Supergiant Games, given that they’ve created three games that are dear to my heart, but oh dear. Hades was one of the first to go through the Epic exclusivity mangle and, as a result, I’ve not played it and reviewed it. I’m sure it’s great, and it does sound up my street, but the exclusivity turned me away. Now, however, it’s coming to Steam.

They’ve rather put another bullet in the foot, though. It’s coming to Steam Early Access on December 10th. I had thought, however, that Epic was going to essentially going to be Early Access. Apparently not and that strikes me as a bit of a worry.

Late Entry to the Borderlands

In a move that is definitely not that surprising, the Epic Games Store does not support pre-loading and won’t by the time that Borderlands 3 releases. That means if you’ve pre-ordered it then you, and everyone else, will have to download it when it’s released. You can expect server crashes, terrible download speed and general frustration. Not great when you’ve got such a high powered release on the cards.

The lack of features on the Epic Games Store is becoming almost laughable now. This, however, is one of the few that’s going to actively hurt your game. The launch period is a crucial one, as that’s where the big sales and feedback comes from. You want that to go well. Epic don’t, apparently.

An Age for an Age

Back in 2017, Relic announced Age of Empires 4, the next in a series that had been teased for a while before that. Relic seemed like a decent choice, having strong RTS games under their belt like Dawn of War and Company of Heroes. They were under THQ, which obviously folded, and then went to Sega. Why exactly it’s taken over two years is unknown though it hopefully goes to show the level of care and quality going into it.

Gameplay for Age of Empires 4 will be shown at X019 in London this November, so I’m assuming we’ll get more details then. I’ll reserve all judgement until that time. The Retelling

In a pleasant, and not entirely unexpected move, Telltale Games, the creators of The Walking Dead series, The Wolf Among Us and so on and so forth, have been picked up after closing not too long ago. The company that picked them up is called LCG Entertainment. I’ve not heard of them either. They are saying the right things however, as they point towards a gap in the market for strictly narrative focused games. For all its creaky engine stuff, Telltale could tell a good tale.

They’ve also hinted towards owning the rights for The Wolf Among Us, which sparks a cruel, terrible hope in my chest again. As for the nitty-gritty stuff, it looks like they’re interested in keeping the episodic format. They’re also reaching out to old Telltale developers, though they frame it as a freelance job with potential to become full-time. Which is employer speak for ‘don’t expect any preferential treatment’. Either way, this is a great bit of news.

That’s all for August, stay tuned for September!