#I think we had this conversation in. idk. March/April 2022? maybe??

[tomwambsmilk]

Lee Pace is only 10 years older than Nick Braun?

Believe it or not actors can sometimes pretend to be different ages than they are irl

[turquoissesimmer]

It’s been a while

Let me tell y’all were I’ve been. Not that y’all care but let me tell y’all anyway. I hope y’all like a good storytime…

So I stopped playing choices bcus I kept falling asleep while reading those century long ass chapters. I just wanted to be able to sit down with a nice snack on a Friday night so I could really just read in peace & quiet. But I’m chaotic & unorganised so bcus of that I always have to catch up on schoolwork that I didn’t finish throughout the week, so after finishing my 2hr nightly routine I just fall right asleep.

Oh yeah I forgot, I went back to school in Sep. 2020 so I could no longer keep up with all of my hobbies, so obviously Choices & it’s drama ended up at the bottom of the list. Maybe that was a good thing bcus after the 2021/2 that I’ve had I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if I got myself involved in drama on top of the mess I’ve been going through.

So as it turns out…I’m actually not asexual/aroace….I was just traumatised😅. Nothing weird happened to me it’s just that I was a very scared & insecure child. Later on the development that I should’ve gone trough in my teens was stolen from me bcus I got bullied & maybe even discriminated (?) at the school I attended. Bcus of this I sort of developed this “I don’t care” mindset. Not even to defend myself, I literally didn’t care about any of the people who did this to me. In my eyes they were just miserable and had to blame somebody to make themselves feel better. It took me a while to realise that, just bcus I didn’t see it as bullying, that did not mean that I wasn’t getting bullied….bcus I was. And it affected me more than I was personally aware of.

This and the fact that, like I said I was a scared & insecure child, made it so that basically everything that involved deep feelings, some that I had never experienced myself, caused me to get resentful & disgusted. It’s not fun when you’re a kid, saying you’ll never kiss somebody & all your older cousins, aunts, uncles & even your mom come at you with “that’ll change when you get older” talk. And you just keep trying to make it clear to them that you’re not comfortable with these types of jokes but they just don’t listen bcus they don’t realise it’s not a joke to you.

So anyway what happened was, this guy from my class started talking to me. Our conversations were online bcus of COVID. Last school year he switched majors so we were no longer in the same classes so I met him in person twice & very briefly, which made it hard for me to figure him out. Now idk what happened I still don’t know how to explain but I caught feelings🤡. We were always just joking around & he used to send me flirty messages & stuff but I was aware that it was just jokes so it didn’t do nothing for me. I see people for who they really are, not for who they want ppl to think they are. Even trough text, I consider it one of my many talents. So I guess I caught feelings for this guy bcus I really saw HIM yk…?

It got to a point were I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I told him. Hoping he’d either bite or reject me. I was leaning more towards reject so I could leave these feelings behind and go about my life. But instead he did the worst thing someone’s ever done to me.

He told me he had those same feelings. Then over the course of a month (this was March/April 2022, we stopped talking in May/June). He continued to send mixed signals which really confused me & caused me to stress tf out. We’d been talking for nearly a year when I got these feelings & bcus of the fact that I never been trough something like this I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was crushing on this pile of 💩 like a 15y/o to put things into perspective.

I also have a bad habit of overthinking & over - analyzing things that don’t add up. So if I wasn’t in my head about my feelings, I was thinking about the things he told me or what his day was like or whatever. Now do y’all know what happens when you think about someone TOO much?

YOUR ENERGIES GET TWISTED. Me being the sensitive girl I am, can literally feel what someone next to me is feeling. It helps me behave accordingly, I don’t even do it on purpose. Basically, bcus of the fact that I was in this guys energy field & he was in mine….I fell into his depression….sort of.

I just woke up one day feeling like absolute shit. It’s a good thing I’m on top of my feelings and I knew that if I gave in to what I was feeling I’d get a depression fr. So I woke up & did what I had to do everyday no matter how hard it was. My mom noticed I wasn’t doing so great so I told her everything. With her help & the help of her friend I got out of it, sending that shit straight back to him. After that (it’s now late April/May 2022), I got the answers I was looking for which made a lot of shit that happened make sense…

This 🤡 was still in a relationship with the baby mama he said he broke up with. Now if that wasn’t enough the 2 of them were living together. So this piece of 💩 was basically only talking to me bcus my clean energy attracted his miserable ass. He had to feel better about himself so used me, the girl full of life & ambitions ( that I’ll actually be able to achieve bcus I’m not a broke 22 y/o with a kid, student debt, living independently & who’s not in a miserable relationship that’s holding me back in life ).

They say you attract the energy you give out, but don’t get it twisted. Bcus when you’re doing good in life, you know the 😈 comes lurking & you gotta be on edge, careful not to let him in.

After finding out about this I confronted him & he didn’t even bother to apologise. Instead he blocked me….on instagram. But I still had his number so I texted him & he was acting real fucking bold so I made sure to block him first this time. So yeah I blocked his number & all of his other SM accounts….just to unblock them and send him back to that hellhole he came from bcus I don’t even want to hold on to him trough a blocked contacts list. The whole situation was just so traumatising and disrespectful to all parties involved. Like bruh…she gave birth to your daughter & you’re out here embarrassing that girl lying about her existence? Nah that’s just…I can’t-

So these past 2 years have put me trough a lot. I basically found myself back again. Turns out I’ve always been perfect so I’m currently back to the sensitive 6y/o girl with the rose colored glasses, positive energy & the rich fantasy I used to be. Just with a little bit more spice to it. I liked her better than that girl I created to protect me from drama as a 13y/o anyway. I’m glowing up, happier then I’ve been in years & finally exploring my feelings & trying new things instead of only allowing myself to experience these things trough a screen. So I guess this whole situation definitely had it’s reasons. I needed that reality check so yeah…

I’m thinking about making my comeback, but I switched to an iPhone last month. So we’ll see if I can find a good mod for this app bcus Lord knows I’m not playing this game without any diamonds. It takes out all the fun, I’ll pass.

Now if you kept reading this far, I hope you enjoyed my story. I had to take out a lot of the details but you can ask me about things if you want. I just wanted to share my story so yeah uhmm…bye

[millionsorganel]

2022

(Wrote in 22/12/22)

This year is almost done. 1st January 2022, i dont really picture what to achieve other than completing my never ending assignments and struggle to finish my degree. That time i was so scared, so anxious I couldn’t finish my degree like how i wanted for so long. Time pass by. During semester break in March i have trip to Penang with my friends like how we planned (after a year postponed) spending time with them for 3 days and how short it is compared to when we were in diploma years we met everyday, i miss those moment and realize it will never be the same anymore. I hoped we all achieve our dreams i will always prayed the best for them. I hoped even after 20 years we still there for each other even we no longer in the same path like how we met before. I always blessed with unexpected rezeki. A week after, my aunty offered to join her trip to tioman bcs her friends couldn’t make it. I just payed half of the expenses for the trip and it is one of the best unexpected trip to go. I always grateful for that. In april, i started my final semester, this time there are classes in hybrid and physical. I didnt get college and had to going back and forth bangi shah alam like in March 2020 before covid happens. Of course i never like shah alam before, i always feel i never belonged there. Aby (my friend) offered to stay with her sometimes since she got college and she will be attending more physical class. There are few times i stay with her when im tired to go back. I started getting close to her in 2019 we were housemate and same place for internship. It was four of us, until we entered degree we still close. And when covid happen, i think she is one of friend that I regularly kept in touch and met. Before she was having hard time but recently she getting a job that she really happy with and back near her home, im so happy for her.

My final semester was not the best, i juggling with every emotions, i felt alone, i was trying very hard, going back and forth, seeing everyone travelling, working, having their own money to spend where i still nowhere. It was so hard. Till the very end, i still cannot believe in myself to completing this degree. 5 August 2022, im officially finished and complete my degree. Submitted my final thesis and sitting exam for the last time. I go back home with all heavy burden lifted but i feel overwhelmed at the same time. Next day, i jumped to a roadtrip with my highschool friends, it was fun and best trip because for the first time i dont have to think about my study, my thesis or my assignments. It was one of the best moment in my life. We checked in at a beautiful boutique hotel. It also the first time we met nani’s boyfriend. I think he was shy with us, we rarely make any conversation and i kinda feel bad to joined their date. But i can see they clearly loves each other, i prayed the best for them!!!! Our on the way back was all fun until we almost arrive home.. we had a small accident. a bit traumatised bcs involve big lorry and it was at the highway and things could go really bad if we are not lucky. We made police report and all those things and arrived home safely. Back from the trip, i am officially unemployed and yes i have been job hunting ever since. It was up and down moment for me seeing my friends landing their first job only after a month graduate. I try to think positive it not yet my rezeki, my time will come soon. Idk i just hope i landed my first job this year but now less than 10 days to 2023, im not getting any job offer yet. During this 4 months of unemployed and job hunting, i try to rediscover myself, i wanted to be better, i wanted to change bad habits. Slowly but surely. I hoped i become better next year. I also going to few places that was not in plan. I went to perak with my family, trip to singapore with my parent as birthday trip and went to genting with my cousin. Im trying to enjoyed those moment that i will maybe no longer can do it after i landed a job. Deep inside i know Allah has planned something bigger for me that i have been waited patiently. But as human, theres a time i questioning why im still jobless, why im still like this, why im not like others. Having 9-5 job (they hated) but had that adult money to spend. Maybe it just because of money, i know i have to trust Allah in this but i still have to do something right?

I know i have to start somewhere but I couldn’t find where to begin. Idk if im not meant to be an engineer or it just not my time yet? Im scared i will become a failure to my family. I am a burden now, i wanted to help my family financial crisis. But im lowkey scared to start randomly. I hoped i have the courage to start again.

22 December 2022, 11.19 pm