#I want one so bad but my mom has already bought so much recently and I don't wanna be mean😭

[dixidin]

Hey guys! Shitty edit here and- THINKFAST

[1moremilgram-enjoyer]

With the knowledge that I can send as many asks as I want, be prepared for me to never shut up (/hj) Anyway, like I said in the comments of my previous question, I would like to hear a few words about Haruka, because he is also one of my favorites All of my favorites have at one point or another gotten unforgiven and I don't know what that says about my morality

Oh, don’t worry, I love receiving asks! And I wouldn’t worry too much about the guilty thing, like half the cast has been voted guilty at one point or another. Or maybe I’m just coping because my favorites are Amane and Mikoto, maybe Fuuta and Muu, so I’m on the same boat. At least Es can’t be voted Guilty, right?

CW: Murder, animal death, suicide.

Anyways, Haruka. This physical manifestation of mommy issues is really quite cool. I really love his MVs, and his songs slap, hard. His need for attention is a very unique motivation, and I love how it plays off Muu’s own issues. Their dynamic is super interesting.

Haruka: Muu is my mother. (2nd VD)

My guy. What.

But he’s still a really intriguing character on his own. I’m really fascinated by the way his character tackles untreated mental illness, there’s a lot to be said about that aspect of him. And I am a big fan of the “suicide theory” by moibakadesu, I think it makes him an even more fun-to-analyze character.

His interrogation questions are some of the most interesting too imo.

T1 Q17: Is there something you regret?

H: There is.

Ooh… What’d you do Haruka boy?

T1 Q18: What are you most scared of?

H: Betraying people.

Muu and him were always going to form a unhealthy codependency weren’t they.

T1 Q20: What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?

H: Cotton candy.

From this we can gather that cotton candy is extremely expensive in Haruka’s world, which implies a shortage of the elements used to create it. In this essay I will

T2 Q2: What’s your opinion on the Guard?

H: Guard-san is not my mom.

My guy. Please.

T1 Q14: What’s an event that sticks to your memory?

H: Fireworks

???

T2 Q4: Tell us the origin of your name.

H: It seems like she wanted a girl. She had already chosen this name.

Like the girl in Weakness? Oh, theorizing go brrr…

T2 Q11: Are there any prisoners you can't deal with right now?

H: I'm fine with Amane-chan now. I'm not scared of small children anymore.

Objectively hilarious answer. These two need to interact more.

And I also just think it’s really funny how the most recent timelines dialogue we’ve gotten outside of character birthdays are him begging us/Es to inno Muu, and then we gave her the widest Guilty ratio in Milgram history. L moment.

(I really hope he doesn’t manage to kill himself or that is gonna age horribly)

On the topic of verdicts, I do think the Guilty this trial was probably necessary. Not because it’s somehow gonna stop him from hurting himself (because I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works), but because we need him to realize he did something real bad at some point, and putting it off until the Third Trial is dangerous when we don’t know what the final trial will be like. Sorta the same reasoning as Muu funnily enough, we can’t let the Trial 1 inno be misinterpreted. Though I do wonder how he’s gonna react to both his own and Muu’s verdicts. I have a feeling the answer will be “not well.”

Anyways, yeah. He ranks a solid score on the Silliness Scale. He’s cool, I like him. Thanks for the ask! Hope this was a satisfying answer!

[olderthannetfic]

I probably won’t ever pick up a HP book again but i will never stop revisiting the fandom. I was scrolling a writer’s bookmarks for recs recently and spotted an author from HP fandom back in the day who wrote something for my current fandom and oh god. I went back and BINGED her hp fics.

Something doesn’t need to BE high art to enjoy the fandom side. Half of my fandoms have pretty shitty base works which is why i enjoy the fanworks exploring the potential so much. Other times I’ve enjoyed the base work until something in fandom broke my perspective and it’s fanon>canon from then on. And some fandoms I haven’t even read the base work, just enjoyed an author’s work on lj/ffn/ao3 and ended up down a rabbit hole of their other fandoms. Feels like starting the third book in a long series but i eventually build context thru the fics/fandom wikis when im confused.

Any money i was gonna send to jkr’s pockets has already been spent when my mom bought the series while i was in elementary/middle school. Now I’m just here for the creativity of the fandom. She doesn’t make money through that and I refuse to feel like a bad person for enjoying fan content based on her works. It doesnt make me transphobic to still enjoy the fandom. Considering it was one of the largest fandoms on general-fandom-archiving sites and had close to 2 dozen independent archives I’d say it’s a fandom worth going back to. That much selection and differing options for ships will always bring people back.

That said, I would sell my soul on the black market for a copy of Maya’s Complete Works. I lost my copy years ago when my computer was compromised and was too stupid to back it up at the time. Maya MADE fanon!Draco who he is to this day and i really miss the original Draco who enchants his appliances to talk to him and loves marmalade and is generally a mess but a mess with a heart of gold that authorities have tried to lead astray. If anyone reading this has a copy they could upload or knows where i could download one… please ;_;

--

I thought Maya was delightful as a person when I met her one time on a trip, but I did not like her fic. I met her a second time when she was in NYC for the summer and we got Mai Tais in honor of whatever other godawfully fanony fic popularized those among H/D fangirls. Memories!

Maya was very clear that she didn't want her stuff shared around publicly. If you want a copy—and I'm positive that somebody has one—you need to provide contact info.

[saunne]

Perfumes

Mom found back in her pocket one of those little papers to test the perfumes that she had made me smell last week. The perfume in question already smelled amazing last week and it still smells amazing now and holy shit I have a physical need to own this perfume. I'm normally quite loyal to a "small" French brand that makes fairly simple perfumes (things that are too complex or too strong tend to give me migraines + they make small bottles for 10 euros, which allows me to change fragrances regularly without breaking the bank) but there. THERE.

"Un bois vanille" by Serge Lutens. Mexican black vanilla, sandalwood and licorice. The fucking best thing I ever smelled.

This perfume just ticks all the boxes in terms of satisfying smell in my brain and I have never wanted to smell a perfume on myself so badly. Cause, like, I like perfumes. I LOVE perfumes. I have a sensitive nose so smelling good/having things that smell good easily accessible helps a lot in everyday life. I usually wear perfume more for my own comfort than for that of the people around but damn this smell is just right.

Just. It smells fucking sexy, okay ? My ace ass doesn't even have the need to feel sexy, but this smell is just. Ugh. This is the kind of scent I would want to have to make people around swoon if the world was a fucking Omegaverse. We've reached that point of toddler-brain screaming "WANT WANT WANT".

But fuck it, next sales or if I see it in a second-hand resell, I'll buy it. It's very, very far out of my usual price range but for now, when it comes to expensive perfumes, I'm like my mother: if we find one that we like and we stick, stick, stick to it. Mom wore the same perfume for 20 years until production was discontinued.

Fortunately, I was able to secure two full replacement days in the coming weeks and with my birthday and Christmas coming up, I should be able to put a nice nest egg aside to pay for at least 50 ml.

Anyways, if you have time to loose, I had fun listing all my perfumes under the cut with what they smell / what I think of it.

Montblanc Legend : My very first perfume after starting my transition, it's what helped me the most to feel good about myself when I had really bad dysphoria. It's a very, very rich fragrance, with a fougere/lavender/citrus top note, a floral rose/jasmine heart and an end note of oakmoss. Now that my nose has become even more sensitive, I have difficulty wearing it, but I still like it.

After that, all hail Adopt Perfumes lmao

At The End Of The World : Lavender, tonka bean, coconut wood and incense. Very "warm" and a little sweet, it is quite heady and a more “autumn” scent.

Blue Suit : Grapefruit, Apple, Violet Leaf, Vetiver. Very sharp and fresh, my mother hates it (she can't stand violet leaf) so I tend to avoid it around her. More of a spring scent.

I bought these two at the same time, for my first birthday after starting testosterone if I remember correctly. The first was my daily perfume for a very long time while I rather used the second, more lively and fresh, for more specific moments, like job interviews.

Hypnotique Incense : Pepper, Frankincense, Cistus Labdanum. Worn quite rarely, mostly when I'm in a witchy mood. Best smell to have around when I do my oracle readings. Very, very heady unfortunately, tends to cause me headaches and even a nosebleed once.

Vanilla Bourbon : Vanilla, Almond and Iris. One of my favorites from last year and what I wore almost all summer. Very very sweet, I smell like candy. Got a lot of compliments on that one.

Ravaging Vanilla : Amber vanilla, cognac and oak wood. I smell like a prohibition style bar with this one lmao. Much more intense and marked than my other vanilla perfume, I wear it on my most "masc" days. Smelling kinda like alcohol draws funky looks though.

Marrakech Royal : Cinnamon, orange blossom, tobacco and amber. My most recent purchase, because I wanted to smell spices because 🍁fall🍂. Very soft and sweet, I smell exactly like the gazelle ankles my roommate baked which is hilarious.

Since my birthday is coming up and I have a 1 bought, 1 offered, I'll probably end up with those two in addition.

Dubaï Palace : Saffron, black cherry, oud wood, vanilla. The one I was hesitant with when I bought Marrakech Royal. Also spicy, but more pronounced and I liked the saffron/oud wood combination.

Eternal Osmanthus : .... ZHONGLI HERE I COME LMAO. Osmanthus and cedar wood ? Empty brain no thoughts, sign me in babe.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Needless Guilt and Validating Neglect

Yesterday, J and our son and I went out and bought a new car. It's meant to primarily be my car. It's so nice. It's an electric car, so it's very quiet, and it never smells (except for that new car smell...it still has that). It never needs gas or an oil change. It's a pretty color and it has a feature that automatically starts my Spotify queue when I get into it. But I feel guilty about having it.

I feel like I didn't/don't work enough to have this nice, new car; I feel like I shouldn't have this when other people can't afford to have it. I worry about the money. I worry that I don't deserve it. Even though I've driven the same car for 14 years prior to yesterday, I think I do plenty of valuable work in my home and family, and I just started working outside home again too. I still feel...guilty for having something nice.

I went out shopping with my mom today too, something I've done probably over 1000 times in my life. I only spent about $95, and I bought 8 shirts for my new job and a pair of jeans for my son. That averages to just over $10 an item, and it was things we needed, and under $100 total, and I feel indulgent for spending it. I'd feel that way without the recent family drama involving my brother and his wife, but that mountain of shit just makes it worse...more layered and complicated, and I feel frustrated with myself for letting that situation add layers and complications to my already needless feelings. My brother and his wife are hugely in financial debt, and unlike a lot of people in general, particularly a lot of people in their age range, they arrived that way entirely from reckless spending and other behaviors. There's no addiction, no crushing student debt, no expensive medical or legal emergencies, no accidents, no unfair pay for their work (no more than other working people anyway), no crazy raised rent (no more than other working people anyway). It really was just a lot of buying whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it, without considering any consequence. Now my parents and J and I are involved to help them dig out of the giant hole they've made for themselves. Which they resent some. And it's so repetitive and remedial, going over such basic, elementary finance, that it's even annoying our teenage son. So while we were out, my mom said, "I've got one taking me out shopping in a nice brand new car and the other one is worse than flat broke."

I think she meant it to make me feel good; she meant it as some kind of compliment to me. But all I could think about when she said it is that she very deliberately raised me to know that I couldn't depend on her (and therefore anyone, really) for anything, and to not have any needs or desires. She raised my brother in such a way that he knows she'll always be there to bail him out when he fucks up and that he deserves and should just go get whatever he wants, as much as he wants, whenever he wants it. So in this odd way, now she feels like how she raised me was the 'right' way. That she was right to not meet my emotional needs and shame me for wanting anything and making me be an almost pathologically independent person who is accommodating to and responsible for other people in the extreme. My good life now with J is validating her neglect. She thinks it's good that I can't enjoy my new car and I feel bad that I bought a lot of new shirts for myself today.

[trivialbob]

Finally, a nice day here. The first 26 days of this month have mostly been damp, gray, and cold. It’s been depressing. On the positive side, the grass has never looked better.

Today I used PTO. Mid-day I went with my dad to a scheduled physical therapy appointment he had. Then we went out to lunch which was nice. I like taking him to restaurants he’s never been to. That’s not always so easy, because he and my mom liked trying lots of restaurants.

Around dinnertime I rode my motorcycle out to my SIL’s house. I forgot it was rush hour. The ride wasn’t bad, but I-494 was much more crowded that I had expected. My SIL and her husband recently bought e-bikes. I’ve been eager to try one. Wow! Now I really want one. These were really nice, especially going up the hill on my SIL’s street.

No camping this weekend. As much as I like it, it’s nice to have a break over the Memorial Day holiday. Last weekend was fun, though we were located next to four families who were loud. The kind of people who drop f-bombs when talking to six-year-olds. The first sign of coarse behavior and excessive volume was the trucks’ exhaust pipes. They were wide enough to double as a Habitrail for raccoons. Despite the 60°F temperature on Sunday morning when they left, the drivers let the trucks warm up for 20 minutes. I can still smell the diesel exhaust. That and all the plastic they put into their campfires.

I just got done walking Ella, Oliver and Sulley. Our path took us past a restaurant patio. Sulley tugged hard at the leash. Come on, Bob! Someone in there will give me a french fry or piece of bread! Oh Sulley, you optimist.

Sulley hasn’t had an accident in the house for at least four days. If Sheila or I get up in the night we make him go outside. That puppy likes his sleep. After I carried him downstairs this morning he curled up into a ball on the back step and went to sleep. So I relocated him to the back of the yard. He finally understood if he peed out there he could come back inside and go back to a warm bed.

The girl Jack has been seeing for a little while just friended Sheila on Facebook. I’m sure Sheila had already FB stalked her. Jack doesn’t like to share details, like the first--and certainly not the last--name of anyone he dates. Sheila enjoys these challenges. Using little clues, like the color of the girl’s car and a piece of long brown hair from a chair in Jack’s house, Sheila digs up all sorts of details, like first, middle, and last name, social security number, and favorite flavor of ice cream. Being friended on Facebook is actually anti-climatic at this point.

Sheila’s staying at her sister’s place tonight. I have the house to myself. I’m going to enjoy a martini and maybe binge watch a show. Someone in the neighborhood is having a fire on the patio. I can smell it. After I change into pajamas I just might have to grab my glass and invite myself over.

[sweetswesf]

Check In

What I Did

Cleaned

Shopped for a new pair of jeans

Sent some friends some Christmas gifts

Led my professional black software engineering group last minute after the original leader couldn't make it

Online shopped for some Carhartt overalls

Reread an old journal...it happened to be a retelling of one of the hardest moments in my relationship with my mom that I think about often

Got invited to ride down to LA by a person I thought didn't want anything to do with me...she may just be using me, but, hey, whatever, I benefit from this situation too...

What I Learned

A lot of people care for me

Don't wait...tomorrow is not promised

But also...wait on God...

Don't be so quick to write people off

Don't be so quick to give people so much information

Feeling

A lot of days recently I have been feeling lonely despite the outpouring of support and check ins I've been receiving...I really want a romantic love...a friend asked if I was talking to anyone, and since about February of this year, I've had NO ONE that I was talking to in a sort of flirty stage

I know God has something great for me

Impatient...impatient for love, friendship, a new job, my family situation to get better, the scale to go down, to move...I constantly have to remind myself, "just wait..."

Bad that I doubted some folks...

Kinda paranoid, NGL, but I need to remind myself God's at the helm

Sad I've got looks from so many companies, some of which I really want to be at...and I am just not prepared...despite me working really hard...

Reading old posts I made made me really sad...I repress so many bad memories that, reading it back, made me feel a bit better about taking this time away to heal...it was so long that I had to stop reading...so much stuff I willfully forgot the minor details of but never forgot the major events and how they made and still make me feel

Kind of tired and that I need a helper...I

Shopping & internet are distractions

Nervous...I think of my gym crush a lot, but that's only because I'm more desperate for male attention right now, and he's the ONLY consistent one that I see every day...I've got a feeling that he may be curious about me but I've been wrong before and I don't want to be wrong this time because truthfully, I don't think he's who I should be with...not sure if it is lust, loneliness, or if it would actually be good to explore a relationship with him...it's times like these where I need to just go with my gut and listen more in my prayers about it

Hearing that another colleague has already done about 40 algorithms and I have only done a fraction of that, made me feel like I've been wasting time, but I have been making progress...I do need to make a little more though...time goes by fast

Glad that I waited on God and didn't go down to LA, because now I've got a trip out...and I bought the 2nd plane ticket by accident, but I guess it wasn't an accident, because now I'm going down and will use it on the way back up!

Takeaways

I should read the resources my therapist recommended

I want to stop dwelling on the past

I'm going to switch up my study schedule and focus more on algos

I'm not sure if I'm ready to stop being so hard on myself...I don't know if I am or not...

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut

Cooked for myself and ate the food that I had in my fridge, not the pizza I knew I really wasn't going to like after a few bites or food from elsewhere

Prayed

Finally decorated my Christmas tree

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals After Today

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

250 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

Learn more about my gym crush & get him to ask for my number

Get a house similar to that one in Spain

Update my personal app

[furbyappreciator]

hi i just wanna take a moment to share this low quality oddbody concept art and talk about this project idea

there's a specific fabric store that my mom and i go to sometimes when either of us needs fabric for something. that place has a couple of boxes of fur fabrics and one of them has this beautiful long brown fur fabric. that's basically where the idea for this long furby came from.

I want to talk about the spine situation. Two of my oddbody projects share the same big problem: the spines i made for them do not work. for my first long furby (ebony) i made their spine out of about 10 lengths of wire twisted together and wrapped in fabric scraps for some reason. this method was insufficient and the spine cannot support the weight of the body at all. i have dubbed this problem the "Flacid Spine Syndrome™". for my second long furby (sunday stacked waffles), i again twisted several lengths of wire together but this time i threaded the wires through styrofoam balls in an attempt to emulate the doll armeture stuff that people usually use for long furby spines. but this did not work. sunday's spine also cannot hold a pose. my other oddbody (bone marrow) fortunately did not suffer the same fate. i made boney's wire skeleton with the intention of only having its 8 spider legs being posable and it worked. but bone marrow is not a long furby, they are a giant spider, and even so, their legs are difficult to pose.

I have not been able to find that spine stuff in any stores in my area, so it seems my only option is to buy it from amazon or something. this would be more expensive unfortunately. the fabric i mentioned earlier that inspired this whole potential project is also quite pricey, costing about 50€.

As you can see in the concept art, this furby will hypothetically have arms and hands. i think using those posable wooden artists' hands that Strange Æons used for Girlgruel would work best, but again, thing cost money. This is what's been holding me back from starting this project. (i Could technically afford all the materials but i hate spending large sums of money and i already feel bad about all the crap i've bought in recent times)

Anyway that's pretty much all i have to say about this okay bye

[croissantbae]

August 1, 2022

1. Dani is such an utter terrorist. But I love and adore her sooooo much. I feel like Jason and I are the only ones that do though bc she’s such a menace when people are around lol.

2. We went to lake arrowhead w Jason’s fam. The drive there started out strong. Girls got McDonald’s. Then napped. It was going amazing. Then we get there and see the house and we were like good god. Because there were stairs and the frame of the banister had bars that were wide apart. It was big enough where the kids could totally fall through and fall to their demise. At first jason tied blankets around it and then later we pushed the couches against it and threaded a playmat between the bars. Once thst was done we felt a lot better.

We had some bomb food. Jason’s mom made gochujang jjigae which I had only just found out about 1.5 years ago when Julie came over and mentioned she made it for her fam. Man the jjigae was so good I had like 3 servings. It went so well w our gogi.

After dinner our woes began. We decided to have Dani sleep in the big bed w us because we didn’t want her crying and waking everyone up at 3 am if we put her in the pack and play because shes been doing thst recently. So Jason did the usual thing and carried her. Then when she fell asleep he put her in the bed. But then every time he put her down she’d wake up and be excited we were there and want to play. I told Jason to just go upstairs so he could at least be w his fam. But I basically put Dani back in the carrier then back in bed like 4x. Until finally I gave up bc I needed to send something out for work. I switched w jason but he couldn’t get her to sleep either. I think she didn’t sleep until like 11:30 or midnight.

Anyway long story short it was terrible and the next night was even worse. I was so mean to her the second night. I was like ok it’s time to sleep NOW. and she started crying and I was like blocking her crying by putting my hand on her mouth so she sound would be muffled. And I was like hissing STOP!! I was seriously so mean. I feel so bad. But she still loves me #1 and I’m making it up to her.

ThT second night destroyed me. I was like we can’t do a trip like this again unless either Dani has her own room or she can sleep in the bed like naya can.

But with that said I’ve already been thinking about where would be a good place to travel to. Why do I want to pay money to torture myself I don’t know.

In any event it was still a great trip despite the sleeping woes. Naya watched a bunch of tv to her hearts content but she was such a good girl. Listened so well, ate well, played well. Eileen was so sweet and bought them bubbles and cards. And naya brought a play do set NM bought her. She loves NM and doesn’t like OM. It’s kind of sad because OM still loves her so much…

When we came home we got Thai food for dinner. Then put the kids down. And jason freaking made moogook and japchae. So annoying. Going above and beyond.

McDonald’s

Falling asleep.

Pretty cabin. Will post more pics in the next post.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary173

3/5-6/2024

tuesday - wednesday

off for 2 days now.

i recorded today, but idk if i like all of it. it's hard to get the word "he'd" right. maybe just especially because i'm starting on it. it's a hard word to begin with.

i was gonna mess with the mix on the vocals more but ableton crashed and i was at work until 10 instead of 9, so i'm tired, and i was starving as usual and stuff. so i'm maybe gonna call it here today. i did wanna do another song but idk. it's good to figure this harder stuff out right now i suppose. i think it's really annoying that this song in particular will crash ableton. very stupid imo.

it's frustrating, also, that this song is just really a single problem area vocally, the start of it, i can't figure out how to say the thing right.

might have a better idea tomorrow though, i need to sleep.

one thing, today, is that as i was walking home, or maybe to begin with, today while walking to work, i saw lots of cops out in this shopping plaza, for no reason, or i guess maybe i know now, but the homeless camp i saw, where there were tents and a community of people helping, and people who would come by and help, stuff like that, it was all gone, beyond even being gone, seeing the void there, it was like giving you the idea nothing was ever there. i've seen people living that way for a long time now, and especially recently. i guess pigs came and took them all away. it makes me very upset, and sick, that this happens, and that there's multiple apparatuses that are made to make invisible and untouchable the maladies that the system we are trapped in creates/births.

either way, i don't know what else to say. i saw a security guard getting all buddy with cops, a pathetic admiration from a guy who probably failed to become one himself.

anyways. that's all today, maybe. i did read, ofc, when i got to work early. i also got my card today. oh that's stuff i have to talk about. i saw my stepdad today, he was kind enough to bring the card to me, i imagined i'd walk over or something at some point, but i have it now. i bought clothes already. he was talking to me about how things are at home, or i guess just little pieces, i didn't pry too much. i guess because i know he sees things in skewed ways, especially with my mom. but she did not tell me that their dog, one of them, one that they had for 18 years, died. i feel very bad for my stepdad who loved that dog very much. one of his best friends on earth i think. she apparently died on superbowl sunday. she has been cremated. she was originally my mom's, but his affection for the dog eventually made the dog his i suppose. my mom really resented that, and that he didn't take especially great care of her. i think she blames him. on some level, i guess she would be right. he didn't bathe her enough, and she was likely very unhealthy because of a very unclean mouth, one that had no teeth left inside. frustrating stuff, but he loved the dog. he kind of lives with very little, my stepdad, he could have more than what he has, but he elects to instead hoard food, hoard resources, and not clean himself or let anyone else be as clean as they would like really. it's not good. but i guess it explains why he thought taking her to get groomed rarely made sense or something. it seems common for people of a certain age/generation to hoard food and stuff like that. always interested in tiny gadgets too. for some reason.

i would like to record and stuff tomorrow, but i have to get up a bit earlier to make that happen. and then idk. more mixing. more mixing and more mixing. i want to get out of the 1 song a day rut. i really want to do 2 tomorrow. ...

anyway i keep making typos and stuff and i'm sleepy, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[0nlinejournal]

7:42pm 01/14/2024

Finally have a couple of days off. I've been picking up shifts these past two weeks since one of my coworkers is out of town, and I am so ready to have my "weekend" back. I bought Baldur's Gate for my friend so we can play together, but honestly I don't know how much we're going to be able to do that. Hopefully we get some time over the next couple of days. But, my bf likes to use my PC and he bought Baldur's Gate on my PC so he can play. I think I might pay him for half of it or something. I feel bad that he bought it on here but then I bought it for my friend instead of paying for the copy on my own PC. I just wouldn't have bought it for myself right now, but since he did it already I wanted a friend to play with? Idk, I feel bad.

Anyway, it's super cold outside. There's a small chance of rain, too. If it rains everything will freeze, and everything will shut down probably. I hope we don't have rolling blackouts again like a few years ago. That kind of sucked.

My brain feels kind of frazzled. I wanted to write, but I feel a bit aimless in my writing. I feel like it's my hormones all out of whack. I don't feel like talking about work, which is the only thing I've been doing recently.

I bought new sheets? There are little bugs all over them. I really want to get a new pillow. My bf's mom strictly buys these specific pillows and they are S tier pillows. She sent my bf the link for me a while ago, haha. I just need to pull the trigger. But, I've impulsively bought a fair few things the past couple of weeks, so I should probably chill out on that for a bit. Honestly, I doubt I will though. Depends on this next paycheck. But I know this next pay check is going to be soooo nice so I have a feeling I'm going to continue to not be the most responsible. BUT, I did put my entire lasssst paycheck in my savings account. so... ? Ebb and flow I guess. I'm not too stressed about it all right now.

I'm listening to the new Kid Cudi album right now (INSANO) and I don't know how I feel about it yet. I've already considered closing out of it, but I'm only on song six, and that doesn't feel like I've given it a fair chance.

I think I'm going to browse some tags and then read until Ofelia has Baldur's Gate downloaded.

[blossom-to-be]

12/27/2023

I'm writing all of this down before the end of the year so I can set my intentions for the upcoming year. I want to have this to look back onto and hopefully be able to check everything off as completed.

I want to spend this next year bettering myself physically and mentally. I have made HUGE strides in the past few years with all of that but I know there is still so much more work to do.

I am a stay at home mom now. I am up and down off the ground and couch. Bending over and picking up constantly. I have a bad back but I know that a lot of that has to do with my weight. I am already making some strides with this. I am doing OatsOvernight to drink when I'm up at 7 and rely on that to keep me full through 12 or 1. This has been doable. The flavors are amazing and the selection is quite large so I think I can sustain this.

Currently, my back is acting up so I'm working on that to heal up. When I'm finally feeling a bit better, I plan to dedicate time at least 2-3 days a week (if not more) to doing my PT exercises. I spent all that time, energy, and money going to PT, now I just need to stick with it and implement that in my life. The exercises along with going on walks will hopefully help my energy and abilities overall.

I'm going to start watching my portions. This is going to be a HUGE task for me. I have already reached out to join Overeaters Anonymous. I haven't done too much with that just yet as I did a few things last night but I'm setting that ball in motion. I'm dedicated to getting my overeating under control. It's a problem I have been struggling with for so long and a lot of the time I feel like food controls my life. It should NOT be like this. I know this and that's what I'm working to overcome.

This segues into my mental health. Going to OA and finding support there is super important in changing my mind around about food. I am also contemplating finding a behavioral therapist to help me with some intrusive thoughts I've been having. My hormones are still getting under control from the pregnancy and subsequent breast feeding but I'm keeping an eye on my thoughts to try and make sure I'm not getting to a dark place. So far I have been able to put those thoughts to the side and move past them when I think them but it's still pretty tough.

I am also getting massages at least once a month. That will help with my physical self but being able to shut off and just be present. It's a nice and relaxing time to just be. I'm trying to get more in touch with myself. I have never truly felt like I knew myself and the self I do know, I don't particularly like.

I have purchased a tarot deck and an oracle deck. I'm still in the early stages of using them but I'm taking this as a chance to open my mind even more. I'm hoping that these tools will help me find guidance when I need it. I bought a journal to track my readings and reflect on them now and in the future. With this spiritual journey, I'm opening myself up to God. I was raised Catholic and I still do consider myself to be. We've been attending a Lutheran church here and there. We haven't been recently but life has been busy especially one with a one year old. They do stream online so I'm hoping to catch a few of those and maybe try to reconnect to a closeness with God. I know that He is the reason I am where I am and have the things I have and I want to open myself up to being a good person and if that means dedicating time and energy to God then that's where life is guiding me. I simply don't know at this point but I'm excited to find out!

I'm hoping to learn a lot about myself this year. I'm wanting to learn more about myself, both mind and body. I'm switching things up with this blog and I want to sort of use this as a diary. Something I can look back on and see my thoughts and how I've been changing. I'm doing this for me and if I can find other people through this platform to help me or who I can help, then that's even better.

[sad-boy-mono]

Ima be whiny and rant about my morning getting ready for a roadtrip. Idc if I sound like a whiny bitch IM FEELING LIKE A WHINY BITCH SO

My mom said we'd start packing up the car around 10 (to quote her directly, she wanted to "haul ass at 10") but she didn't even get home from a doctor's appointment until 10:30.

I woke up at 9 anticipating we'd be hauling ass at 10 (I've been waking up at 1pm everyday for the past 2 weeks) and went to bed at 4 (not by choice) so I could've gotten at least a bit more sleep.

I'm already overstimulated cuz I'm tired and now more so cuz we're off the given schedule.

So much time just getting shit into the car.

A CD I got in May is stuck in my dad's car. My dad's car recently was taken into the shop for some repairs. My mom said she brought up my stuck CD. Is my CD unstuck? Nope!

(Also secondary rant but this CD being stuck has caused me so much more stress than it should. It was $12 so not a huge financial loss but it's also my favorite album and the CD is sold out. My family doesn't have a good way to listen to music from phones in our car cuz we don't have Bluetooth and auxcords always end up hella staticy so we use CDs and I was so excited to finally have some new music in the car but I got to listen to it once before it got stuck and won't even play music because my mom messed with it trying to get it out. And then there's the added feeling of when you're upset about something that isn't a big deal and you KNOW it isn't a big deal so you feel dumb about getting so worked up about it because it's just a fucking CD and you could probably figure out a way to download the album and burn a new one but you bought this one from an artist you love and want to support so now you just feel dumb and stupid and wanna cry everytime you think about it and WHY DIDNT THE REPAIR PEOPLE GET IT OUT DID MY MOM LIE ABOUT TELLING THEM? IM SO PISSED. SECONDARY RANT OVER)

I have much less space then I thought I would in the car.

I remembered I'd have to spend a lot of time around my cousins (not necessarily a bad thing. But my social battery is a constant 0%. Also I came out to my uncle as trans a while back and he reacted badly and I really don't wanna be around him :/)

We're on the road and I forgot how loud and bumpy highways are in this shit stain of a country (#americacore)

Also my mom smokes. The smell + open window being loud is not helping.

Did I mention the roads suck? Because the roads suck.

I'm crammed in the back and everytime we make a turn I'm crushed by my aunt's wheelchair.

I love my family so much like genuinely, but being around them is hard cuz they're always up here 📈 all the time and I'm always down here 📉 all the time so being around them is hard due to how our energies don't align for lack of a better term.

Did I mention the roads suck? Cause the roads really fucking suck-

I didn't eat this morning and am hunger. I cannot reach any of the food/snacks we packed

I spent like 30 minutes fighting back a meltdown low-key.

Having boobs is actually such an icky feeling? Like not binding was a good choice but when roads are as bumpy as there are here maybe I should've just worn a binder?

HAVE I MENTIONED THESE FUCKING ROADS-

I don't have the money for Spotify premium (#brokecore)

Also I packed my laptop and every moment it isn't in my sight I fear it is being destroyed viciously (it is literally at the top of the bag pile and surrounded by clothing)

Did my hair this morning and it just like. Wasnt working with me :/

HOW DO ROADS MANAGE TO BE SO FUCKING LOUD WHAT THE FUCK-

Anyways I'm excited for this weekend :]. I'm going to a powwow in my extended family's town and supposedly it's gonna be hella big. We're staying in an AirBnB and it has a lake n shit so we can go swimming n shit. I might have my own room? Idk tho if not I'll live. I got my headphones.

[d-omin-ic-k]

Reflecting on the arrest of my mother & the deportation of my father.

My father came first, I was in sixth grade and he was trying to patch his relationships up with his children. He’d spend time with my sister and I. & I assume he was trying to see my younger half-sister Emily as well.

Unknown to me we had another half-sister who was recently born named Brielle. I met her one night while she was walking around my aunt's house in her diaper still not aware that we were related.

During this time my father was supportive, he would talk to me. Tell me about how he wanted to teach me how to drive and give me his truck when I became old enough. He bought me my first real skateboard when I told him I was getting into it & bought me an Xbox 360 for my birthday. He’d reprimand me for getting the new shoes he’d gotten me dirty and tell me not to skate in them. I’d tell him about the music I was getting into at the time and he would take me to get CDs from the artists (funnily enough, that would be a topic he and I converse about when I visited him in Mexico at 19). For once in my short life, I didn’t feel hopeless. At the time I didn’t recognize that I felt anxious and depressed constantly, I don’t even think I had the proper words to make sense of it. I’d just break down sometimes and had a habit of crying often.

We were all at my uncle’s house one night, eating and hanging out with my cousins. My youngest sister’s mother showed up unannounced.

My father went outside to speak with her. She was jealous, she wanted him to be with her and to take care of my younger sister only. To an extent I could understand, my sister was a toddler. But I don’t agree with the actions that were taken.

Everyone in the house walked out, I felt oblivious to what was happening. Until the cops showed up…

My father hadn’t been back in the US for long and was awaiting the process to get his papers (green card). She took advantage of that and called the police reporting an illegal alien during a time when ice raids were pretty rampant. I didn’t know how to feel at the time because I didn’t really understand the gravity of the situation and also hadn’t spent much of my life around my father anyway. He was cuffed and put in the car, he called for my sister and me and told us he was sorry and that he loved us.

She had already left.

I was 12.

We’d come to find out that she had also called the police on my aunt, a single mother who took care of her 3 children. Leaving my cousins without parents to fend for themselves and my uncle to take them in.

Next was my uncle, leaving his family in a similar situation.

If it had been just my father, I would’ve understood to an extent. He made a lot of bad choices and mistakes in his life and has had to live with the consequences ever since. Sometimes you make so many mistakes you can’t fix all of them.

You just have to live with it.

He just has to live with it.

& she has to live with the responsibility of wrecking the lives of not only his four children but his family as well.

& his children, we all lived it. It affects all of us regardless of if some of us want to accept that or not.

——————

It had been maybe a year or so that had passed after.

During that time though, my mom began seeing a man she knew from high school.

We lived in our second condo with him and his 3 children. We’d moved a lot honestly. Because of not only his actions but also the actions of my mother, the years 2009-2014 were probably the most difficult part of my life.

Their relationship was toxic and abusive, and honestly, it is no wonder why I began to have my episodes during this time.

Their anniversary was around December or January. I don’t remember exactly when besides the fact that it was cold & the streets were icing over.

My mom was in the kitchen making food for the two of them to celebrate while I began walking upstairs. A few minutes passed by while I was in my room & then I heard it.

The usual yelling and screaming, but this time it was accompanied by a loud clanging noise.

They kept yelling, she was angry & he was defensive. Whenever they would get like this I’d found that it’d be better to just stay out of it and it would eventually die down.

& it felt like it did, until I looked out the window and saw the cop car. I was the only kid that was home at the time, terrified.

I walked down the stairs and walked towards the back gate. He stood out in the parking lot, two policemen were there with him and my mother.

“______ ______ ____ you have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do will be…..” the words blurred off in my head as I stepped out of the gate. Tears welled up in my eyes, my body shaking.

“MOM?!..” I yelled.

She looked over at me crying as she did.

My mom had caught him cheating, again…

This wasn’t anything new to me, he cheated on her all the time. She had been cheated on by other partners before and done so herself as well. Apparently she had overheard him on the phone with another one of his previous partners while he was in the bathroom. She lashed out by throwing what she had in her hand at the time behind her in anger, which happened to be a knife. He came out of the bathroom and that’s when he saw the knife.

Again, the two of them fighting was nothing new.

However, seeing both my parents stuffed into police vehicles in the span of a year was new & not something anyone should be used to.

My mom did her best to reassure me and gave me her phone and car keys. I stayed with my neighbors until my “aunt” (my moms friend) came to pick me up. I had the responsibility of telling some of my family.

My mom’s family bailed her out within a few days.

But she still stayed with him.

Meaning my sister and I had to stay as well.

& it didn’t end for years.

It didn’t even end when they separated. She didn’t wait long until she got with another man. Another him.

My sister was 18 by then and had moved out a few days after she became of age.

Again, I was 12

& then I was 15

& then I was 17 when my mom and were by ourselves for the first time in a while.

I spent a lot of time alone while she worked by that point. She found another religion to cling to. I began writing and making music more. I’d watch movies at home, I had no close friends at the time as I had a falling out with them at the beginning of my senior year.

It all came to a head for the first time in my life. September 24th, 2015 at 17 years old.

I got tired. Life had beaten me down and I couldn’t get up. Growing up constantly being bullied, constantly having trauma thrown my way, witnessing things no child should.

I was an insomniac, constantly alone in that house. Drinking anything I could to sleep & when that stopped working, mixing anything I could find to sleep.

Lucid dreaming

Constant night terrors

Not eating

Not speaking

Shutting myself off from the world & everyone.

I wanted to sleep but I didn’t want to at the same time because I feared the nightmares that would come with it.

My mom didn’t know.

Whenever I told her about my feelings before she would freak out and get aggressive or discount what I was dealing with. So I just didn’t see a point by then.

September 24th, 2015. Was the first time I attempted suicide.

At 17 years old, I grew tired. No one knew & no one would find out for nearly half a years time.

Sometimes life knocks you down and continues to knock and knock and you just get up and live with it.

But sometimes, some of us feel like we can’t. It’s not always easy to live with it.

It’s not easy to push back and persist.

But I’ll continue persist & I’ll break the cycle.

I’m glad I failed.

At least I’m going to make sure I’m glad that I did.

[xanonymouscatharsisx]

Cw: abuse

I've been thinking along the lines of grooming lately. Yes because of true crime stuff I've been listening to. But also in how it relates to my own life.

I struggle to call this grooming but I also don't know any other word for it. It feels imperfect but close enough?

My mom had me read A Child Called "It" growing up. Earlier than I think I should have honestly, considering it was a choice in high school for English reports, and I had to ask if I could instead do the third book in the series since I had already read the first two.

I think... I could be very very wrong about this... I think my mom used it as a way to rationalize what she did as not abuse. If you've read the series, or even just this book, this is horrendous what was done to the author as a kid. And so I think my mom had painted it as "this is so clearly abusive and this is the only thing that is abusive, so nothing I do can be abusive." And I think this also maybe coloured her understanding of her past, that this stuff didn't happen to her, so clearly she's fine.

I've tried to talk to her a few times over the years, in private, or even by making blog posts and showing her, to which she says she's sorry and in the case of anything online that I should take it down. Sometimes she later gaslights about a lot of it. But she also never wants to look bad, but then has zero problems badmouthing me to anyone and everyone who will listen.

I remember pretty vividly the first time I remember everything that made me feel shitty. I remembered feeling shitty before but this just sticks so different.

My mom had gotten me chicken soup for the preteen soul. Chicken soup was ALL the rage. I don't think I knew anyone who didn't have a chicken soup book for years. In this particular one, there was a story of a girl, I think in California, who started a charity to buy bulletproof vests for police dogs. I was so inspired.

I got to work, planning, figuring out where I can leave cans to ask for donations, even getting friends to help.

My mom tore my notebook.

Like page from page, everything that had been written on, which was about half the notebook. I still don't remember her reasoning for this.

I was crushed. This was also my favourite notebook, and it was a spiral, and when you take a considerable amount of pages out of those, while still leaving the cover... It doesn't look right. I don't know, I've always hated when you do that to spiral bound notebooks. Looking back, I think this might be an autism thing, but that doesn't really play a part in the story.

I think I told a couple friends about this. They certainly saw the half-notebook that was full the day before. I don't remember specifically telling them anything, but I think I remember telling one friend that I had to hide it from my mom so we couldn't talk about it in the car. It feels like there's some stuff I'm forgetting here, and whether that's because I blocked it out, or from my depression and grief from recent years, I'm not sure.

My heart is breaking for that kid though right now. I remember so vividly feeling almost betrayed and it's the feelings that stick so hard. You had bought me this thing that inspired me so much that I wanted to make change in the world, and then you tore it up. That ends up being a little bit of a theme from here on out.

I had tried to talk to my mom about this at some point. Sort of. I had made a blog post years back on a blog, and then sent it to her. I was having a particularly difficult time with her and just... I don't know what I wanted. I think maybe just to feel seen? And maybe not alone? And understood? She asked me to delete it and we never talked about it again. Ever. Honestly, any time she hurts me, this is brought back, symbolized in my brain by that sad, spiral bound notebook missing half its pages. I can't stress enough how much I loved that notebook.

This is something that I've also been thinking about as it relates to privacy for kids is things like how a lot of girls of abusive moms I know had kept a diary until they found out their mom read it, so they stopped. Before this whole thing, I never had a problem writing in notebooks. After this, I did, and STILL do. The amount of just empty notebooks I have because I'm so scared she's going to rip them apart... For one thing it's a bit of a problem but for another, think of all that wasted potential in those sheets. Change to the world, fiction, maybe journalism... I'm now looking at those blank pages a little differently.

But back to the other theme I also wanted to talk about. My mom has never really supported me. She has in some junctures, like telling me I could be anything when I was little, and questioning why I wanted to bother shaving as I got a bit older. And they suddenly changed to ripping up notebooks, and telling me I couldn't go into x field because it's not for girls. I still don't know where a lot of that came from and weirdly enough it's the same feeling I get from Canada's federal conservative party.

Yeah this feels like an aside, and I'm just gonna say it, in the 90s it felt like they fought for middle class and protecting people, and now they only fight for the rich white straight people, and I don't know when that happened. I just remember a switch.

I don't even know when that switch happened for my mom. Like, with the shaving it seemed like she was hinting at questioning beauty standards and gender norms from one perspective, but oh, you can't do this thing because it's only for boys! And that was always something I got more from my brother that I can't play Nintendo because I'm a girl, I'm going to break it. I can see a bit of a line that might have happened, but I doubt he could convince her of something like that at that age anyway.

I'm now trying to convince myself to open some kind of class online and giving myself permission to use some of my notebooks. It's been a pretty rough day today, and maybe that's what I need. Or maybe just a good cry.