#I would give literally anything to hear them say the word bipolar in reference to eddie

[bipolarediaz]

hello! I'd love to know more about specific moments that convinced you that eddie is bipolar

so if you don't mind me asking, what are three moments that really stand out to you?

hi hello I love this so much, I've been thinking about this all morning, thank you!!

a lot of it isn't specific moments but more the combination of things that build up over time, but if I had to pick three specific things (not necessarily in order)...

eddie begins--a lot of the flashbacks we see definitely give me hints of it. specifically, we have a very clearly depressed eddie after he comes back to el paso, with him struggling to connect with his loved ones, withdrawing into himself even more than usual. he doesn't smile much in the flashbacks, at least not other than when chris is born. but then, we come to the present during that episode, and we see eddie making impulsive decisions (insisting that he go down in the first place, then cutting his line, naming buck as guardian the next day without thinking about it or talking to buck first, etc) it's not as bad as the impulsive decisions from earlier in s3, but I do think that he was at the tail end of his manic episode at that point in the season, and was still making impulsive decisions because of it. the contrast between depressed past eddie and somewhat manic/hypomanic present-day eddie is a good example of both sides.

also from s3, we have not just the fact that eddie joined a cage fighting ring, but also specifically the way that it ends. he is, once again, not thinking through his actions in the slightest. he has all this pent up energy and all these feelings he doesn't know how to manage, and he literally doesn't know how to stop himself. he's like an impending train crash. in the dsm, this particular symptom is described specifically as "Excessive involvement in activities that have a high potential for painful consequences." and that's exactly what's happening. it's excessive, it's something he can't control, and it's causing him actual serious pain and negatively impacting his life. but even though it's negatively impacting it, he doesn't stop. you see this kind of thing a lot in bipolar in excessive spending or gambling, hypersexuality, etc, but it's no different in this situation. he goes completely over the top with it, completely uncaring about the impending consequences. it also leans a bit into grandiosity, with him thinking, at least a little bit, that he is untouchable during this time. and everyone in his life notices it, even if he brushes them off when they try to bring it up. he's noticeably different from normal, in so many ways, that it's impossible to ignore.

and, of course, I've talked before about just how much 5x11 and 5x13 in particular give me those vibes. he's displaying almost every sign of a major depressive episode with mixed features throughout those tow episodes. he's irritable, he's restless, he makes impulsive decisions without thinking about the consequences, all things that we see during his fight with bobby in particular and during the opening montage. but he's also depressed--he's fatigued, he's feeling completely hopeless and worthless, he isn't finding joy in his life anymore, he's isolating himself just like he did back after his tours, and we see hints of suicidal thoughts as well. we've seen all these symptoms from him before, between flashbacks and s3 (and 5a honestly), it's just that now he's got symptoms of both sides of it at the same time, and that's why it hits him so hard when he breaks down. his depression in particular is just so noticeable during 5b, with everyone in his life commenting on it, and there's just no way of denying that he was severely depressed.

bonus reason because I'm never going to be over how much of a missed opportunity it was: in fear-o-phobia, we have that woman through the whole episode who is set up as a clear parallel to eddie, to the point that he intentionally listens in on the call and notices it himself. and the way they do it... is by basically going through every single symptom of bipolar disorder like it's a goddamn checklist, with her sister even saying how much she's "changed" with her acting the way that she was. and then they just... didn't do it. I'm still annoyed by it and I will be forever, thank you.

even with this I feel like I went beyond just "specific moments" lmao, but honestly that's just how it is--if it's just one or two specific moments, that doesn't really indicate anything when it comes to bipolar disorder. it's about persistent mood changes that are noticeably different from your normal, and about sustained changes. it's the long-term arc and the ups and downs eddie's gone through since s2, and the way that things piled up and changed over time, the clear differences we see in how he acts at various points in his life that indicate there's a lot more going on than just normal level mood fluctuations that everyone experiences.

[miguel-manbemel]

Aspects & Fanfics Ep. 44: Beware the Paladin Part 4: The Gift from the Core

Here comes another part of this five-part story on this fic inspired on Sanders Sides by Thomas Sanders, Joan S. and the Foster Dawg Team. I hope that you’re still enjoying this story and see ya in two weeks with the finale of Beware the Paladin.

SYNOPSIS: Patton tries to get in touch with the Mind Palace Core to find a way to cure Janus and wake him up, and this way being able to restore Thomas’ connection with his Sides. Meanwhile Virgil and Roman try to fix their relationship, very damaged by the Paladin’s words.

WARNINGS: Slight, implied innuendo references, mentions to divorce and breakups.

EPISODE INDEX

[Joan arrives to their home. Talyn is there]

TALYN: Joan? What are you doing here? I thought you were staying with Thomas this week.

JOAN: I am, Talyn, but the truth is I’m gonna need you to come with me, at least today.

TALYN: What? Why? Is something wrong with Thomas?

JOAN: To an extent, it is. Don’t worry, it’s not too serious, but Thomas needs you.

TALYN: Okay, I’ll help in any way I can… but I’m gonna need you to give me a moment to get dressed and put a basic makeup on. I’m not getting out of the house like this.

JOAN: Okay, it’s on me, I should have phoned you in advance so that you would get ready. Don’t worry, it’s not a strict emergency, but please, don’t take too long. I don’t want to leave Thomas alone for too long, at least for this week.

TALYN: [going to their room while Joan waits on the living room] Why don’t you bring me up to date about what has happened while I’m getting ready?

JOAN: Sure. You see, as you know, I went to the hospital to get Thomas and lift him home. After two weeks of treatment, he’s totally recovered from his bipolar disorder crisis. He was so happy, so lively, with such an excellent mood… Until he tried to summon his Sides and discovered he couldn’t anymore. Not only that. When I summoned them, because I still can, he couldn’t see or hear them and they couldn’t physically touch him, as if they were ghosts.

TALYN: [from their room] Wow… that must have been a shock for him.

JOAN: It was, for him and for the Sides too. Logan thinks it’s because of the medication, which has disturbed Thomas’ brainwaves and weakened the connection. I had the idea, and Logan confirmed that it could work, that you could try to hypnotize us both again to reestablish that connection by synchronizing Thomas’ current brainwaves with mine. That’s why I came here to fetch you.

TALYN: Oh, of course, I’ll be happy to help. I’ll do it as soon as when we get there.

JOAN: I hope you can, because, you see, there’s another part of the story. Two weeks ago, as I told you back then, when the Paladin was on the loose, he attacked Janus and hit him on the head with his heavy sword, causing him a traumatic brain injury. The point is he has been unconscious ever since, and without him awaken we can’t perform the hypnosis, because all Sides must be in autopilot when we do it. I’m sure you remember what happened when they weren’t.

TALYN: Oh… I see… Is there anything we can do to help?

JOAN: We can’t, but Patton has stepped in to help. Logan suggested that only Patton, as a former Master Side, can help Janus wake up. He’s going to go to the Mind Palace Core to try to get in touch with the Core itself so it can give him a solution. He’s probably doing it right at this moment. The problem is that it’s too dangerous. The Core is in many ways like a black hole, it can absorb Sides and destroy them. Patton is literally risking his life to save Janus’.

TALYN: Goodness, I hope he’s all right…

JOAN: Me too, Talyn… Okay, I brought you up to date. Are you ready yet?

TALYN: Almost ready. Just give me a second to retouch my eyebrows and we’re good to go.

JOAN: Good, because if Patton is successful, Thomas will need us there. I really hope he’s successful, for Patton’s sake, but also for Janus’ and Thomas’ sake. I fear what will become of Thomas if he can’t make contact with his Sides anymore.

[Talyn gets out of their room]

TALYN: Okay, I’m ready.

JOAN: Good, let’s go then.

[Joan and Talyn get out of the house and into the car]

[intro sequence]

[Patton rises up in the Mind Palace Center. It’s exactly as they left it when Chris’ rescue was over months ago. Chris’ arrow that hit the Dark Master is even still on the floor, full of dust]

PATTON: Gosh, does no one clean this place, ever? This is gonna be the center… of criticism… Okay, Patton, that was really awful. You know that when you’re so distressed your jokes are horrible, so stop making bad jokes no one’s gonna hear… There’s the Core. As bright as always… [shows a face of fear] as dangerous as always… [takes a deep breath] but it’s our only hope now, so please, Core, have mercy on us, and especially on me right now. First, I’m gonna need to secure myself so that I don’t get absorbed if I get too close.

[Patton summons a rope tied to a stake firmly stuck into the floor. Then he ties the rope firmly around his wrist. He unties his cat onesie and throws it behind him]

PATTON: I wouldn’t forgive myself if the onesie got untied and absorbed by the Core, it was given to me by Logan, it’s too much valuable for me. If something happened to me… I want him to keep that garment, so that he can remember me and how much he meant to me… Don’t be so fatalist, Patton, you’re gonna see Logan again in no time, you’ll see… Okay, this should do it. I summoned the stake at least a couple of meters into the ground, which will leave a huge dent on the floor. That’s not a very nice way of treating this sanctuary, but no one’s gonna complain anyway. Sort of, I’m the only Master left out of the Core right now, even if I’m not a Master anymore, so in a way this place is mine now, and besides, I’m positive the only Master inside the Core whose opinion I care about would certainly approve. I hope the rope is strong enough and the stake can hold on in place. My life depends on it… [sighs, then looks at the Core in fear, his whole body is slightly shaking] I’m so scared… this could be my final moment in the Mind Palace… but I have to do this, for Janus, for Thomas… Enough overthinking, Patton. It’s now or never. Let’s go.

[Patton starts walking towards the Core. When he approaches it, he starts feeling a force pulling from him. The rope seems to be strong enough, though, so he keeps on walking. Soon, he’s levitating on the air, tied to the rope which gets tense, as tense as Patton’s gesture]

PATTON: Please, don’t break, rope… I think I’m close enough, though, I can feel all sorts of feelings from inside the Core. I’ll try to enter in communication with these feelings and maybe I’ll receive an answer.

[Patton closes his eyes and concentrates, still levitating, tied to the rope, some brightness glows out of the Core as bright translucent flames that reach Patton. When the translucent flames touch Patton, he starts smiling and nodding, as if he was having a conversation without words, and a bright light-blue aura that starts surrounding him gets in contact with the brightness from the Core. Meanwhile, in Roman’s room, Virgil enters Roman’s bedroom. Roman is in bed there and looks at Virgil]

ROMAN: Hi, my love… How is Thomas doing?

VIRGIL: [cold voice] Fine, I guess… How are you feeling now, Roman?

ROMAN: I’m almost okay now. It’s been bad days, but now that the symptoms are almost gone, I think I’m ready to get out of bed and start a normal life again. Thanks for asking.

VIRGIL: [same cold voice, avoiding eye contact] That’s nice…

[Virgil gets silent. Roman looks at him]

ROMAN: Anyway… How are you doing now, Virgil? Since you moved to the guest bedroom after Patton left to take care of Logan, I barely see you each day, only at meals and you barely share a couple of words with me. This is the longest conversation we’ve had in two weeks.

VIRGIL: Do you even care how I am doing, anyway? I’m okay, I guess…

ROMAN: Virgil, please, we need to talk this out. This dynamic that we have established is unhealthy. At least it’s very hard for me.

VIRGIL: This wasn’t easy for me either. But… I wasn’t ready to face you yet. The Paladin’s words still dance in my head each and every minute, even in my sleep.

ROMAN: I have apologized to you a thousand times already to no avail. Isn’t there any way for you to forgive me?

VIRGIL: “Sorry” isn’t always the magic word that solves each and any issue, Roman. I know you probably are sorry, but that’s not enough to magically fix all of this. Apologizing doesn’t change the facts, nor does it change the pain you made me go through… or the disappointment I feel every time I look at you in the eye. Being close to you… has hurt me these past few days, that’s why I’ve been avoiding you. And I didn’t see a way to stop the pain other than staying away from you.

ROMAN: [both scared and sad] Are you saying that… you want to break up with me?

[Virgil looks at Roman right in the eye for the first time, with a sad face of longing]

VIRGIL: No, I’m not saying that… I have wanted to avoid you… but at the same time I didn’t wanna leave your side and I worried about you and your safety each minute I was away from you. I wanted to avoid you to stop the pain, but at the same time avoiding you caused me more pain, cause I longed for you, so I accomplished nothing. I have thought about that question you’ve just asked, Roman, if I wanted to break up with you. I’ve had plenty of time to meditate about it and every time I always reached the same conclusion: I still wanna fight for our relationship and for our family. I want to believe that there is still a chance for us to go through this crisis and emerge stronger as a couple. I think the only way to stop the pain is by working it out, together, and I’m willing to try if you are. I still love you, Roman.

ROMAN: And I love you too, Virgil, and if you give me the chance to prove to you that my love for you is real, I swear I won’t throw it away.

VIRGIL: One part of me is yelling at me to let you go… but my heart wants me to seek refuge in your arms and never leave your shielding comfort… [looks at Roman with a glance of sadness and overwhelming love at the same time] I guess I’m my father’s son… my heart’s voice is stronger. I love you too much to give you up... maybe I’m bound to love you all of my life, even in spite of myself.

ROMAN: I swear I’ll requite that love as you deserve, Virgil. I’ll make myself worthy of your love for me, I promise. And I also need you in my arms, Virgil. You have no idea how much. Come here, my love.

[Virgil approaches Roman and they both hug and kiss. Meanwhile, Remus, Logan and Ian are still waiting next to Janus’ bed]

LOGAN: He’s taking too long. I’m so worried.

REMUS: Relax, Log, I’m sure Patton will be all right.

LOGAN: I can’t relax, Remus. At this very moment, he could be gone already, and we would never know for certain, because we can’t follow him. I’m so scared for his safety.

IAN: You love Patton very much, don’t you, Logan?

LOGAN: He taught me the real value of feelings, Ian. He taught me the only thing I couldn’t learn myself from my Library, that love is the real force that moves everything, stronger than any other force in the natural world, and worth to fight for more than anything else in life. How could I not love him when it was him who taught me how to love?

IAN: That’s so sweet…

REMUS: A little sappy, but I like sappy sometimes. I understand you, Logan, and I hope that Patton returns, [looking at the unconscious Janus] for both our sake.

LOGAN: I really hope he returns and also that his trip is worth the risk and Janus can be saved too.

REMUS: Thanks, Teach.

[At that moment, Patton appears from the ceiling, landing on the floor in front of Logan. Logan looks at Patton. For a second, he doesn’t react, then his face lightens up and he sports a wide smile, then he hugs Patton]

LOGAN: [happy] Patton, you’re back!

PATTON: Of course I’m back! I would never leave you!

[Logan releases Patton, then Patton summons a green leaf and gives it to Logan, who looks at it, confused]

LOGAN: Uh… what’s this? Something given to you by the Core? I know! We must make an infusion with this leaf, then give it to Janus to drink, or we give a massage on the head with it and he’ll wake up, right?

PATTON: No, Logan. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. I would never leave you. Instead, I just did leaf you… [smiles widely while doing the badoom-tish gesture with his hands]

[Logan is confused for a couple of seconds, then he realizes it’s only one of Patton’s puns and frowns at him]

LOGAN: Why did I marry you, again?

PATTON: [smirks] Because I taught you the real value of feelings and that love is the real force that moves everything, and I also because I taught you how to love, Logan.

LOGAN: You were listening?

PATTON: Not quite. I heard it from the Core. It can see the past and the present of this Mind Palace and it can even go a little bit into the future, and it showed me you would say that at some point in the near future from mine. Did you say it already?

LOGAN: Yeah, I just did… [sighs] And you’re right, I do love you because of that… even in punitive moments like this against all of… me…

PATTON: [smirks] Pun-itive, I see what you did there.

LOGAN: [clears his throat] Patton, let’s get serious. So you got to the Core, right?

PATTON: Yes, I did.

REMUS: And did you get anything useful for Janus?

PATTON: Yes. As I said, I entered in communion with the Core. I almost spoke to it. Well, I did speak to it, without words, but I did. It was the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. The Core approved of my intentions, considering them noble and wanted to help me fulfill my purpose. So, the Core gifted me a new ability I’m gonna use right now to help Janus.

IAN: A new ability? What do you mean, Patton?

PATTON: Step aside, let me get closer to Janus.

REMUS: Okay…

[Everyone steps aside and Patton approaches Janus. He puts his hand on Janus’ forehead, then closes his eyes. A light blue aura starts glowing around Patton, and it extends to Janus. The others watch the scene, stunned. After a few seconds, color returns to Janus’ face, then he opens his eyes and the aura disappears]

JANUS: What… what has happened? Where am I? And I know this is not a cliche thing to say in this situation, like, at all.

REMUS: [happy] Janus! You woke up!

[Remus hugs Janus. Janus hugs him back, still confused]

JANUS: I’m totally aware of what’s going on… glad to be back, I guess.

LOGAN: You’ve been knocked out for two weeks. Remus and Ian have been taking care of you all this time.

JANUS: Two weeks!? Oh, now I remember… the Paladin suddenly got in front of me, he hit me hard with his sword… and then, after a split second of a huge headache, everything went black and I lost notion of time. Then, in the darkness I saw a light-blue source of light, and a strange sweet music calling from inside, asking me to get there… and I did… and then I opened my eyes just now.

REMUS: It was Patton. Patton brought you back to life. [Remus hugs Patton] Thank you so much, Patton!

PATTON: It was my pleasure, kiddo. Glad to be able to help.

JANUS: So that light… was you, Patton? How? Wha…? Thank you, Patton. I don’t understand how you did it, but thank you for saving my life.

IAN: We’ll explain in time. Now it is important that, when Joan gives us the signal, we all enter in autopilot. We have to resynchronize Thomas’ brainwaves because he’s lost contact with us and we gotta fix that.

JANUS: Seems there has been a lot going on around here while I was gone. What else did I miss?

IAN: Okay, guys, while you bring him up to date, I’ll go alert the others to be ready. See ya in a moment.

[Ian sinks down, then rises up in Roman’s room, in the living room. Chris is there]

CHRIS: Hi, Ian.

IAN: Hi, Chris, I got good news. Janus has woken up.

CHRIS: [happy] Really? That’s so cool! Is he okay?

IAN: Yes, he’s okay, thanks to Patton, and he’s ready to enter autopilot when Joan gives us the signal. Where are your parents?

CHRIS: Upstairs. I think they’re finally having a good conversation after weeks.

IAN: That’s good to know. The Paladin’s words affected Virgil very much.

CHRIS: Yeah, I know. I had never seen him like that. He’s been so distant of my father… even of me. I even thought that, as soon as father got better, dad was going to ask him for the divorce. I guess he changed his mind, cause when I came around their door to ask what they wanted for dinner, I heard them muffled-giggling and saying loving things to each other. As they usually do after an argument, they took the saying “kiss and makeup” literally, if you know what I mean, so I decided not to disturb them.

IAN: Well, we gotta warn them that they must be in autopilot too…

CHRIS: Oh, don’t worry. I’m positive they’re already in autopilot.

IAN: All right, if you say so. Tell them the good news about Janus when you can, okay?

CHRIS: Okay, I will. Thanks for the warning Ian. Glad that Janus is okay.

IAN: You’re welcome. [sinks down]

CHRIS: Janus waking up, Thomas back to normal, my father almost recovered and my dad giving him another chance… it seems that things are starting to look up at last…

[suddenly there’s angry yelling coming from upstairs]

CHRIS: Perhaps I spoke too soon… What is going on up there? Dad! Father! What’s the matter!?

[the sound of the bedroom door slamming open upstairs is heard and Virgil rushes down the stairs. Roman follows him. Virgil is furious, Roman tries to calm him down]

ROMAN: I swear it wasn’t me who said that, and I swear it’s not true!

VIRGIL: Yeah, right! Of course it isn’t true! These words came out of your mouth, I remind you, and the last time the Paladin spoke through your lips, he was saying the truth!

ROMAN: This time, like the last time, he twisted the truth, Virgil! I swear!

CHRIS: Whoa! Whoa! Time up! What is going on here!?

VIRGIL: What is going on here? We were done making… things up, when suddenly the Paladin started speaking through your father’s mouth!

CHRIS: The Paladin? Again?

ROMAN: It was only a few seconds! And I quickly reined him in!

VIRGIL: But not before he said a devastating truth about me! Something that your father thinks for real about me!

CHRIS: And what truth is that if I might know?

VIRGIL: He blames me for your leg injury! He doesn’t believe I’m good enough to be your father and he thinks I’m a bad influence for you and you’re better off without me!

CHRIS: What? Father, is that what you think?

ROMAN: I don’t think that! Virgil, you’re good enough to be Chris’ father, I’ve always said that!

VIRGIL: But your thoughts are very different from your sayings! Admit it! Admit you were saying the truth!

ROMAN: I… I’ll only admit that I do believe that you’ve been a hinder in Chris’ development as a Side. And you have to admit it was true as it was you who said it first. But I also believe I’m not better than you on the matter, and I also believe you didn’t do it on purpose and you do your best to change for the better, and that’s what’s important to me! You have to believe me! The Paladin took my thoughts out of context and twisted them! Please, trust me!

VIRGIL: I can’t! I’ve tried, but I can’t trust you anymore! I don’t know when you’re being honest about your feelings towards me, or when you’re lying or hiding things from me! How much are you keeping to yourself about me that you don’t want me to know? Tell me! How much!?

ROMAN: Virgil, please, I swear whatever I avoid saying to you is not as bad as you think it is! Please, don’t be so para…!

[Roman covers his mouth. Virgil looks at Roman with a face of shock that leads to a face of anger and tears]

VIRGIL: Come on, say it! You think I’m a paranoid! At least this time you’ve said it in my face with your own free voice!

ROMAN: Virgil, I… I…

VIRGIL: [yelling] Save your excuses, Roman! I can’t… [makes a pause, fighting tears] I need to leave this room. I need to get away from you.

ROMAN: [horrified] What? Are you… breaking up with me?

VIRGIL: Maybe… Maybe not… I don’t know… I need to think, and I need to be alone to do so. Since now you’re strong enough to stand still, you don’t need my care anymore, so I’m going back to my own room right now.

ROMAN: [in despair] Virgil, please… don’t leave me! Not like this! Not because of this! I swear that I love you! And I know for certain that you love me! Can’t we talk this out like civilized people?

VIRGIL: Not now, Roman. Yes, I still love you to my despair, and I know that, despite it all, you love me, but… sometimes… love is not enough. I need some room to breathe and put my ideas in order. Please, if you love me, don’t go look for me.

ROMAN: [sighs] As you wish, Virgil…

CHRIS: Before you go… Ian has warned us that we must all enter autopilot when Joan gives us the signal, to restore Thomas’ connection with us.

VIRGIL: I understand… Don’t worry about that. I’m gonna stay in autopilot for a very long time. And I’m not ducking out altogether because I don’t want to put Thomas’ mental health at risk again, but right now… I just wanna be alone and not see anyone. Bye, Chris. Goodbye, Roman.

[Virgil sinks down. Roman looks at the empty space where he was standing. Then, tears start falling down his cheeks, and he starts sobbing heavily as if he was running out of air or as if he was on the verge of crying aloud. Chris hugs him]

CHRIS: Father, don’t worry, I’m sure that when his anger wears off, you’ll have your chance to talk to him more calmly. Now give him some time. I’m sure your mutual love will prevail eventually.

ROMAN: [sobbing] I hate the Paladin inside of me. He brings up every wrongdoing I’ve ever done, even in my mind, puts it out of context and uses it against me. I swear I don’t think that Virgil is harmful to you. I swear!

CHRIS: And I believe you, father.

[Suddenly, the sobbing stops abruptly and Roman starts getting sick]

CHRIS: Father? Father, what’s wrong with you!?

[Roman has to rush to the bathroom where he loudly vomits off-screen]

CHRIS: Father! What was that!? Are you okay?

[after some time, he gets out of the bathroom]

ROMAN: Yeah, I don’t know what’s happened to me… I suddenly got very sick and I couldn’t help myself… Perhaps it’s residual effects from the illness, or perhaps it’s because of the nervous breakdown I just had. I hope… because the last time someone vomited like this… But that couldn’t be, that’s impossible. It couldn’t be that… could it?

CHRIS: You lost me…

ROMAN: Never mind, I was talking to myself. It couldn’t be that… I hope…

[Chris stares at Roman with a face of confusion. Then Ian rises up]

IAN: Okay, guys, everything’s ready. Everyone enter autopilot now! Where is Virgil?

CHRIS: He’s in his room.

IAN: Is everything… okay? Roman, your eyes are red and your face is white as a ghost. What happened?

ROMAN: It’s okay, I’ll… I’ll be fine… it’s only a… a disagreement between Virgil and I, that’s all…

IAN: Okay, I’m lost, how could everything here change so radically in a matter of five literal minutes?

CHRIS: Don’t worry, uncle Ian, we’ll be fine… And Virgil is in autopilot too, so don’t worry about him either…

IAN: Okay, if you say so. But remember I’ll be there for anything you guys need, okay?

CHRIS: Thank you so much, Ian… Okay, you came for the autopilot, and autopilot you will get. Let’s hope everything goes right. Ready, father?

ROMAN: Ready.

CHRIS: Entering autopilot… now.

[end card]

[Talyn is about to wake Joan and Thomas up from their hypnosis, after Logan guided them on the synchronization like the last time]

TALYN: Three… two… one… Wake up!

[Talyn claps their hands and both Thomas and Joan wake up]

JOAN: Well? Do you think it worked?

THOMAS: There is only one way to find out… Logan, come here, please!

LOGAN: I’m already here, Thomas. Perhaps it didn’t…

THOMAS: No, it did, somehow, Logan, I can hear you! But I can’t see you… wait, what’s that…?

[Logan’s image starts appearing blurry in his spot, after a couple of seconds, he becomes completely sharp]

THOMAS: [happy] Now I can see you! It worked! I’m so happy to see you again, Logan!

LOGAN: [smiles] And I’m happy to know it worked, Thomas.

THOMAS: I got so scared for a second it wouldn’t have worked and everything today had been useless… It’s so good to see that now everything’s back to normal again, at least what I consider normal in my life. I know any other people would consider your absence as regaining normality, but… I don’t know if I would have coped to give up your company, guys, after having you in my life since forever.

LOGAN: Hearing those words feels… adequate, Thomas.

THOMAS: How is everybody doing? No, don’t tell me, I’ll call everyone so that they tell me themselves. Roman, Patton, Virgil, Janus, Remus, Chris, Ian! Everybody come here!

[all the Sides rise up except Virgil. Janus is already wearing his usual outfit and snake makeup, including a brand new bowler hat]

JANUS: Hi, Thomas. I’m not happy at all to see you. Just kidding.

THOMAS: Hi, Janus. Joan told me what you’ve been going through. Glad that you’re okay now.

JANUS: Thank you, Thomas. And look, Remus gifted me a brand new bowler hat.

REMUS: Of course I did, you couldn’t go around wearing that crushed bowler hat, could you? That’s more my thing, you know?

ROMAN: [with a smile] Hi, Thomas. I’m sorry for all the fuzz I’ve caused to you.

THOMAS: It… it wasn’t your fault, Roman. In fact, among all of us, you’re the one who has suffered the most from all of this, so it’s me who should apologize to you. You were the worst victim of this illness, which now I’ve got under control. Doctors said that if I keep my treatment and healthy habits, I’ll have a perfectly normal life. And if I’m healthy in the hopes and dreams department, so will you.

ROMAN: I’m happy for you, Thomas. Maybe it’s a little late for me, but I’m happy for you.

THOMAS: What do you mean? By the way, where is Virgil? He’s the only one who didn’t show up.

[Roman’s smile starts trembling. Soon he can no longer fight the tears and his act drops down completely. He turns around quickly and the others except Chris and Ian look at him in shock. Chris and Ian look at him in sadness]

THOMAS: Roman, what’s wrong?

CHRIS: Well, I guess you all would have found out sooner or later. You see… my parents are separating, at least for the time being. Virgil has returned to his own room and currently is in autopilot, as he doesn’t want to see anybody.

THOMAS: But what happened? I hope it’s not because of me.

CHRIS: No, don’t worry, it’s not your fault. It’s complicated, Thomas. For now, at least, it’s not definitive. Virgil hasn’t asked for the divorce yet, so technically they’re still married. It’s just that Virgil needs time to think alone, that’s all… Father, what’s the matter?

[They all look at Roman and they see him retching, still facing the wall. He quickly summons a huge bucket and vomits inside. Then he summons the bucket away and turns around, showing a sick face]

ROMAN: Ugh… I’m sorry, guys… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Perhaps it’s residual effects of the illness, or maybe it’s the stress of my breakup with Virgil…

CHRIS: Father, you still haven’t really broken up. There may be a chance for you to fix things up. Dad still loves you, he admitted it. Your bond surely can’t be broken up so easily.

PATTON: I’ll have to talk to my son. Maybe I can help him on this.

ROMAN: If you could help him, Patton, I’d be very grateful.

PATTON: I’ll do my best, Roman. But if he decides to carry on with the break up, you know as his father, I’ll have to support him. I hope you understand.

ROMAN: I understand, Patton. As long as I don’t lose your friendship, I couldn’t bear it happening too…

PATTON: Of course you won’t, Roman! You will always be my friend, no matter what, and you’ll still be my son-in-law, even if not “legally”.

ROMAN: That means a lot to me, Patton, thank you.

PATTON: And now that I’m here with you, Chris, let me see that leg of yours.

CHRIS: What? My leg? Why?

JANUS: [smirks] Just wait and see, Chris. Let Patton work his new magic.

CHRIS: [confused] Okay…

[Patton touches Chris’ leg. A light blue glow appears around the leg and Chris looks at it, stunned, just as stunned as the others watching except the ones who were in Janus’ room earlier. A few seconds later, the glow disappears]

PATTON: Done. How do you feel now?

CHRIS: About what? Wait… my leg… it feels less weak and I no longer feel any pain when I rest on that foot… Why, I can stand on my foot normally! My leg is healed! Grandpa, how did you do that?

PATTON: It’s a gift from the Core, the same gift I used to heal Janus. I’m just grateful that I can use it for your benefit, kiddos.

CHRIS: [happy, summoning his crutches away] Thank you, grandpa! You’ve saved me months of recovery! I love you!

PATTON: Love ya back, grandson. I hope I can still help all of you in the future… [suddenly looking at Roman, scared] Roman! Look out!

[Suddenly, Roman seems to get dizzy. He loses balance and falls, but Chris and Patton grab him before he hits the floor]

CHRIS: Father, what gives!? This isn’t normal!

ROMAN: [shaking his head and regaining balance] I know… Suddenly my head started spinning… And I think I know what’s going on. I didn’t wanna believe it, especially after being with Virgil only one single time in the last couple of weeks, but, judging for what Virgil told me in the past that he felt, which is the same I’m feeling now, I guess it’s true…

CHRIS: What do you mean?

ROMAN: Vomiting, dizziness, this strange feeling in my tummy… Chris… I hope that you’re ready.

CHRIS: Ready? Ready… for what?

ROMAN: Have you ever imagined having a brother?

[there’s a short moment of silence]

EVERYBODY BUT ROMAN: [yelling at the same time] Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!??????

[a sign reads “To be concluded, guys, gals and non binary pals”]

[myscrapperblog]

Relationships are terrifying

...Of all sorts. It’s not just the romantic relationships that cripple my heart into a paper ball. If anything, I can handle those. Relationships with those people who are supposedly going to care for us no matter what we do. It feels like a stretch even writing that. However, that’s what unconditional love is, right?

We are told that we are loved. We are told by our friends, family, and complete strangers who think that they know us, that we are loved. Loved for our appearance, humour, listening skills, drinking skills, driving abilities, the money in our wallet. You get where I’m going with this. What if everything we had fell away, and all we were left with was literally just who we are. Who would love us?  Who would YOU love? If all they had to offer you was all that they are, all that they have endured in this life, and the environment and experiences that shaped them. 

I’ve lost so many people that claimed they loved me. I know the depths of heartbreak that I truly don’t think any person should feel. 

Our parents. Inherently, from birth, we are hard wired to trust them. We know they will love us no matter what we do and we will love them just the same. Unfortunately, this hasn’t been my story. 

I watched my mother battle bipolar disorder, ultimately until the end of our relationship. High swings of mania, and the lowest swings of depression. Ultimately, I couldn’t do it anymore. Removing myself from my mother has been the top 2 most painful things I have experienced to this day. I feel as though I grieve her death every single day. Knowing she is out there in the world, alive, unwell, and unable to help herself, but not speaking to her or feeling her embrace. 

My father was no better, but the story with him and I scares me to share. Any time I share micro-truths about him, somehow it finds its way to him, and backfires onto me. I am so scared of him. I don’t understand how I can fear someone this much, but miss their presence equally. I guess that truly is unconditional love. 

It was easy for him to let me go, I think. The last I spoke to my father was around August 2020. I called him while having a severe anxiety attack. I was afraid, and although I hadn’t spoke to him in ages, without thinking, I dialed him. In my frantic and illogical state, I said “please, I will do anything, counseling, I just need you right now, I want to die...” He responded “you made your bed, now you have to lay in it.”

He was referring to an act of exposure I pulled a couple of years back. I shared unflattering truths about my dad, because I was asked by someone who my dad is close with. I didn’t volunteer the information and I certainly did not want to deface anyone. I was honest about my dads abusive and manipulative past. To make a very long story short, my father told me that unless I told everyone that I lied about what I said, and I had made it all up, we wouldn’t have a relationship. The truth is, I would be lying if I said I had made it all up. It was all true. Nobody wants that to be true. Not a single person feels pride when they admit they have been a victim of abuse, at least, not me. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. As if I didn’t have the strength to stop it. (Side note: I never used the word “abuse” until one day a therapist told me the only way I could heal from the trauma and move past it, would be to admit that I was abused. So, now I use that shameful word). So, because of all of this, at my moment of feeling suicidal, my dad told me to lay in the bed I had made. He truly believed that he had done no wrong, and the feelings I had were from an accumulation of a life filled with lies and deceit. He projected his reality onto me. 

In that moment, it dawned on me that what I was experiencing was love with conditions. A contract, per-say. It shattered my heart into a million little pieces. I felt unworthy and like my existence on this earth was meaningless. What purpose do I have if both of my parents and I have no relationship? I have been thrown to the world to figure this all out by myself. Without guidance. I am alone. I have no pack. I feel like the two people that are supposed to be there no matter what, aren’t. It’s scary. In fact, it’s terrifying.

I will never forget that day. Something switched “off” in me, and I am really struggling to find the switch to turn it back “on”. It was like my brain sent a message to my heart. The message was: “no matter how much someone tells you they love you or they like you, if you do something that doesn’t benefit them, they will drop you.” It’s left me scared. Emotionally losing my father has been the other top 2 experiences that has been the most painful.

Will my friends drop me if I have done something that they don’t agree with? Could my boyfriend choose to leave if he no longer gained from me? Would his family discontinue to like me (assuming they do) if I said something too opinionated. Does my family truly love me? Or do they love themselves and whatever they do to/for me is still beneficial to their livelihood and that’s why they do it.

Relationships are terrifying to me, because I feel like they are volatile. Love has evolved, but not for the stronger. Evolution has allowed for so many different variations of love, many of which I don’t understand. All of which, terrify me, because I don’t want to lose another person that I love. I want to hear someone tell me that they love me and that be the end of it. I don’t want to lay down on broken glass and let them walk all over me, just to continuously receive that love. 

I know relationships of all sorts take work. I know that to be loved you have to give love. I am learning the balance. I am trying to love good people so that I can receive pure love in return. The process in finding that has been really painful.

My hope is to one day have grown past all of this and only be left with those true people who know me, in all of my forms, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and choose to stay. 

[jadelyn]

Heya. Recently saw a post of yours going around regarding mental illness and not having to censor your own experience, be constantly positive, offer up your success story ect. I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety myself and I was kind of interested in your referring to yourself as an "old crazy" and what not. A lot of times I feel like depression is more like a... comparatively "pretty" MI and like it's barely even valid to talk about having a MI in certain ways you know? 1/?

But you're confident enough with it that you'll say things like "old crazy" and just generally... treat it with the seriousness it deserves? I feel like there's almost two sides of it. When talking to nurotypicals yeah, depression is obviously a MI and our experience is way different from theirs, but when talking with other folk with MI's it feels almost like... whining? Maybe a bit like being a "small fat" in regards to fatphobia vs someone who is much bigger and receives more scorn for it? 2/?

Anywho, if there was a question in there I supposed it was going to be"is depression the only mental illness you suffer from? And what's your opinion on "reclaiming", I guess, stigmatized words like "crazy" when one suffers from comparatively less stigmatized MI's?" I mean I've got best friends who deal with hallucinations, family with bipolar disorder, in laws with disassociative identity disorder and I guess I low key feel like I cant even call myself someone with an MI by comparison. Idk. 3/3

So...okay.  Let me start by saying, I’m really trying not to be an asshole about this.  If I come off sounding like a jerk, it’s not intentional, and I’m mad at the ideas and social forces behind them, not you for giving voice to them in my inbox.  

That said...fuck that noise.

My specific diagnoses are honestly nobody’s business but mine and my doctor’s.  I’m pretty open about them here, but it does rub me a bit the wrong way to be asked, basically, “what are your Crazy Credentials?”  

I’ve been formally diagnosed with chronic major depression and social anxiety.  My therapist has made noises about C-PTSD a few times but never anything official, more just letting me know that some of the things I thought were shitty personality quirks actually fit the diagnostic criteria for C-PTSD and may be less my own fault than I think.  And I’m about 99% sure I have ADHD, to the point where I’m about ready to seek out official diagnosis to see if I can get treatment for that in addition to my depression, bc I think it would really help me.  

Short answer re my thoughts on reclaiming “crazy” as someone with...I can’t even bring myself to say “less severe” tbh considering that my depression has tried really hard to kill me several times over the past 20 years and has almost succeeded more than once, but someone who doesn’t have psychotic or personality disorders, is that if people use it against me I have a right to reclaim it for myself.  And that has happened enough times that I’m feeling pretty confident in my Earned Right to call myself a bitter old crazy fucker.

I also suuuuuper object to the classification of depression as a “pretty” MI, even comparatively.  Like.  That shit made me drop out of college, cost me the first ten years of my adult life, I have literal physical scars from the self-harm I used to do because of my depression, I’d have died years ago if not for the family and loved ones who took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself.  None of that shit is fucking “pretty”.  I hear you say it’s a comparatively “pretty” MI (and like I said, I’m not mad *at you* so much as the ableist cultural attitudes that make people think that about it) and all I can think of is the nights when I would be curled up as tight as I could get, sobbing so hard I couldn’t breathe, hating myself so intensely that if I could’ve spontaneously wished myself out of existence I would have.  I think of the emotional neglect I perpetuated against the man I love, the way that him trying to take care of me left him with scars and issues of his own, and all I can do is offer my experience in how to cope with those kinds of things, I can’t undo it for him, I can just ironically use my experience of the depression that harmed him to help him learn to cope with his own.  I think of the fact that I’m 32, but I’m a mere 4 years into my career, basically the point where someone in their mid-20s would be, because of the way my depression crippled my ability to work for so long. I think of the fact that I only stopped stashing razor blades around my living space “just in case” I needed to self-harm about a year or two ago, and even now I know without having to even pause that if I suddenly decided to go back to that, the exacto knife in my little home toolkit under the kitchen sink upstairs has a box of extra blades that I could use.  

That’s...not...pretty.

But I think you’ve actually hit on a pretty perfect comparison in the “small fat” thing, tbh.  I’m fat, undeniably so, but I’m a smaller fat, only a size 18.  So there are parts of the “fat experience” I’ve never had to deal with, like having to use seatbelt extenders on an airplane or buy a second seat or get kicked off a flight.  

But that doesn’t mean I’m insulated from fatphobia, including the deadly kinds like medical neglect.  It doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t call myself fat.  

If you can look at someone who’s a size 16 or 18 and simultaneously acknowledge that said person is fat and faces fatphobia for it, and that they’re a small fat and that bigger fat people face unique issues that the smaller fat person doesn’t...can you do the same with MIs?  If you have depression, or mood disorders or anxiety disorders in general, you are mentally ill and you face ableism and stuff because of it; at the same time, there are types of ableism that you aren’t targeted by since you don’t have a personality or psychotic disorder.  Those things can be true at the same time.  And it really sounds like you’re struggling with some internalized ableism around this, that you’ve picked up some of the general cultural attitudes around Real and Bad MIs like psychosis vs meh MIs like depression.  

It’s okay, and entirely possible, to both understand that someone with a mood disorder faces a different level/type of ableism than someone with a personality disorder - and still understand that both of those people are still mentally ill, both of those mental illnesses “count”.  There’s no mental illness olympics.  Having different types of MIs results in different experiences, sure, but that doesn’t make people with mood disorders not *really* mentally ill.

We need to stand together, all of us, in fighting stigma and ableism around mental illness.  Those of us with less-stigmatized disorders need to stand with those who have more-stigmatized disorders - but doing that doesn’t require that we minimize or dismiss our own illnesses or experiences.

Don’t let mundanes divide us against ourselves.  

[vitalmindandbody]

Tragic, fascinating, brilliant- life of’ wild child’ Zelda Fitzgerald revisited

Two films and a TV series out soon portray the life of the jazz-age novelist and spouse of F Scott Fitzgerald

She is thought of as the original wild child, a pearl-twirling party girl who died at the age of 47 after a flaming broke out in the North Carolina sanatorium where she was a patient. Now Zelda Fitzgerald, the countries of the south belle changed jazz-age protagonist, dubbed the first American flapper by her husband and partner-in-drink Scott, is to have her own Hollywood make-over two cinemas are in the pipeline and a television series will air on Amazon Prime early next year.

All three programmes have starry mentions affixed: Jennifer Lawrence will take the lead in Zelda , a biopic directed against Ron Howard and based on Nancy Milfords best-selling biography; Scarlett Johansson will bob her fuzz for The Beautiful and The Damned ; and Christina Ricci will play the young and impetuous Zelda in the Amazon series Z: The Beginning of Everything. The name of the Tv succession comes from Scotts awestruck provide comments on satisfy Zelda: I cherish her, and thats the beginning and result of everything.

So what is it about Zelda that mesmerizes virtually 70 years after her tragic intent? In persona it is that the disturbances the couple lived through find an resemble in our own hectic times.

Interest in the Fitzgeralds has definitely been on the increase not only since Baz Luhrmanns film of The Great Gatsby in 2013 but likewise from the many similarities between their lives and operate and the period were living through right now, says Sarah Churchwell, author of the critically acclaimed Careless People: Murder, Mayhem and The Invention of the Great Gatsby .

Its a floor of boom and bust and it reverberates as “weve been” grappling with our own boom and bust, our own worries about the cost of our excess and our own social loss. The lives and fates of Scott and Zelda peculiarly simulated their eras: in the 1920 s they were roaring for all they were worth, but with the crash in 1929, everything fell apart.

It helps, more, that Zelda was so vibrant a anatomy. It begins with her elegance, says Churchwell. But too with the stories told in the 1920 s about the high jinks and fun she and Scott seemed to have. Parties really liked her: she was surprising, intelligent, astute, funny and adoration a good party. She likewise liked to be the center of scrutiny, and so had her detractors too. These stuffs combined to draw her a legend.

Scott frequently returned to their relationship in his myth, most notably in his second fiction, The Beautiful and Damned , which details the heady early days of their matrimony; and his mournful fourth, Tender Is The Night , in which the gilded daydream has faded into a more tawdry world. Zeldas exclusively novel, Save Me The Waltz , presented the relationship from her side.

They were arguably Americas first luminary pairing: a carefree golden couple who wrote their practice into the spotlight, developing their own mythology of gin-soaked dates and fun-filled nighttimes, simply to persist too long once the light-footed had started to dim. Their recklessness acquires the floor exciting and stunning, says Churchwell. But they paid a the highest price.

After a few giddy times, all the boyish promise crumbled away, leaving Scott a stunned and drunk jobbing hack in Hollywood and fetching Zelda to breakdown at the age of 30, a diagnosis of schizophrenia , now widely thought to be a bipolar affective disorder, and their own lives in and out of sanatoriums.

Her story is both fascinating and unfortunates, says Therese Anne Fowler, on whose novel Z the Amazon series is based. Here we have a woman whose knacks and vigour and ability should have stirred her a brilliant success, who was determined to be an fulfilled creator, columnist and ballet dancer in an era where married maidens were supposed to be spouses and moms, interval. Her devotion to Scott was, in many ways, her undoing[ although] he was just as imprisoned as she was. Had they cherished one another less, they might both have come to better ends.

The idea of Zelda as a bright woman captured by her duration has gained traction in recent years, with a number of occupations re-evaluating her through the prism of feminism although it is not always the easiest of fits. As early as 1974, the couples daughter Scottie balk such claims, writing the purpose of which is to vistum her father as a classic put-down spouse, whose efforts to express her sort were frustrated by a typically male chauvinist spouse were not accurate.

Writing in the New Yorker in 2013, Molly Fischer concurred , mention: Saving Zelda Fitzgerald is no easy proposition …[ she] does not want to be anyones domesticated, and theres something mortifying about the literary readiness to domesticate her, to transform an irritating girl into an appealing heroine.

The new cinemas may well further Hollywoodise Zelda, sanding away her bumpy boundaries and reinventing her as a relatable heroine for our modern times. The molding of Lawrence so often described as Americas Sweetheart in the Howard biopic is no accident.

A report about the upcoming Johansson film in the Hollywood Reporter showed it would draw on previously unreleased textile to indicate that her husband misappropriated his wifes opinions as his own.

Mark Gill, chairwoman of Millennium Films, the yield companionship behind The Beautiful and The Damned , concurs : She was massively ahead of her time and she took a vanquish for it. He plagiarized her ideas and threw them in his works. The matrimony was a codependency from inferno with a jazz-age soundtrack. The movie has, nonetheless, fastened the co-operation of the Fitzgerald estate.

Fowler agrees that there is a changing predisposition to refer our own concerns to Zelda. We do anoint her as a kind of proto-feminist heroine, even though she didnt hear herself as a feminist and didnt fully replace at anything, she says. But her original reputation is based on conventional paternalistic the terms and conditions of what the status of women, father and partner ought to be and do. Her ambitions and her insistence on engaging them were considered inappropriate and unhealthy; after her psychopathic disintegrate she was literally told that this insistence had created her divide recollection and that the path to a cure lay in giving up all aspirations that didnt conform to the paternalistic ideal.

Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence and Christina Ricci are all set to play Zelda Fitzgerald in the forthcoming products The Beautiful and the Damned, Zelda and Z: The Beginning of Everything. Composite: Getty Images

The backlash against this image is intelligible given that popular opinion of Zelda was initially driven by Ernest Hemingways notoriously caustic descriptions in A Moveable Feast , published posthumously in 1964, in which he dismissed her as insane and accused Scotts developing dependence on booze on his wife.

Our perception has very much changed, says Churchwell. We have come to sympathise with her frustration, to recognise her talents and to be more fair-minded about her selects. That said, she carefuls against attempts to create a Team Scott/ Team Zelda subdivide, as is so often the occurrence in far-famed literary partnerships. Its important to say that they always loved one another and wouldnt have appreciated parties taking surfaces Fitzgerald wrote a few years before he was dead that it was a moral responsibility that their friends understood the latter are a duo, a group and would abide that practice, even if her illness intended they couldnt live together.

Churchwell is likewise scathing about attempts to suggest Zelda had a larger role in her husbands operate than previously presumed. “Theres” those wanting to recognition Zelda with Scotts work, which is just silly and doesnt do females any preferences, she says. Its not a zero-sum activity: we are in a position recognise both of them for who they were.

Zelda had many abilities, but where writing was pertained she was probably more ill when she started to hone her knacks, and while it is true that Scott didnt especially want her to write partly out of territoriality but partly because medical doctors told him it was bad for her its too true-blue that her work isnt in the same class as his. Her individual sentences are often lovely, and she can create a mood and has clever revolves of word but her studies tend to be sketches rather than full fibs. If they had induced different options, maybe she could have been an important scribe, but the reality is that she wasnt.

Perhaps, then, the real key to Zeldas continued pull on our imagery lies not in her study but in her modernity. I dont want to live I want to adoration firstly and live incidentally, she proclaimed and it is that vitality and avarice for all of lifes knowledge, both good and bad, that extends down over the decades, granting each generation to see something new.

Z: The Beginning of Everything will air on Amazon Prime early next year

THEY SAID

I have rarely known a woman who uttered herself so delightfully and freshly: she had no ready-made words on the one handwriting and no striving for gist on the other. Critic Edmund Wilson

I fell in love with her spirit, her candour and her blaze self-respect, and its these occasions I would believe in even if countries around the world indulged in wild ideas that she wasnt all that she should be.

F Scott Fitzgerald

I did not have a single pity of insignificance, or shyness, or suspense, and no moral principles.

All I crave is to be very young ever and very irresponsible, and is of the view that my life is my own to live and be happy and succumb in my own way to please myself.

Other publics ideas of us are dependent mainly on what theyve hoped for.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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