#I wouldn’t use someone’s blog presence as a compass for how you “should” be

[stuckinapril]

how are you so in love with yourself...this is not me accusing you of narcissism or smth i genuinely am in awe of how much you seem to like yourself and be in love with yourself and I try so hard to be like you and do that too but i fail every single time...i really really want to know how I could be like this too because i know it is one of the biggest things stopping me from achieving happiness

Not sure if this is a ubiquitous experience, but for me personally affirmations can only go so far. There’s always been a direct correlation between me doing action-based things and my self-esteem increasing, so I try to keep my promises to myself (study at x time, work out at y time, just doing whatever I need to do even if I don’t have the motivation for it). Someone told me that self-esteem comes w doing esteemable things, and I’ve never forgotten that since. What someone thinks about me (including the gargoyle voice in my head lol) won’t faze me if I have tangible accomplishments under my belt I can refer back to on bad days

[zoopzopp]

A post for some BAMF Izuku fics <3 (more of these will be added and the list will be updated as i read them)

Fics i've read:

The Secret Ingredient is Crime- Izuku only had a whole month to further prove himself worthy of Yuuei's golden acceptance, and he was going to do whatever it took to make it in. Yuuei would never truly know what hit them until it was too late. (The secret crime AU in it entirety is fucking amazing and what wouldn't i give to read more stuff with it)

Deku the Villain Hunter: Support Hero - We all know the story: After being told he couldn't be a Hero by All Might, Midoriya Izuku still wandered over to a supervillain attack where he could save Bakugou Katsuki. But what if he had made the other turn? The answer is a butterfly effect that would lead him on a path to paving his own future. A path of revenge, finding his own moral compass, and doing the impossible. (OKAY MANY THOUGHTS. Very cool story and aspects. I binged it overnight and lost a bit of sleep the next night as well.)

The Story of How Midoriya Izuku Asserted His Dominance (And Traumatized Japan) - The Sports Festival was supposed to be a break from stress. Shouta should have known there is no such thing as a break with his class.

making it right (for real this time) - - Izuku is a support course student at UA, and Katsuki's neighbor, best friend, and former bullying victim. After Izuku's performance at the sports festival, Katsuki realizes something. He has to make things right. -

Hero Fall (UA Civil War Exercise) - It's now the end of the first year of UA for our students. Nedzu had decided to bring back the annual Heroes vs Villain fight. The fight shall last 5 days and the villain leader is Izuku Midoriya, with the commanding officer of the hero team being Katsuki Bakugo. But, what happens when Izuku is left alone?

Hero Class Civil Warfare - Heroes lead by Bakugo. Villains lead by Midoriya. Seven days prep time. Three days for Izuku Midoriya to show why they should be glad he's not a real villain.

"I Didn't Know You Had It In You." - Midoriya goes feral rage mode in his fight against Overhaul. The beat down still happens, but with Eri no longer at his back, he gets more violent. One For All reacts in an interesting way and Midoriya commits a terrible and unheroic act - the cold blooded murder and maiming of Chisaki Kai. Shigaraki is there to watch it all unfold.

Plan C meets Plan A - Even if All Might is right and Izuku can't be a hero, Izuku refuses to be useless. So Izuku uses his analysis skills to develop Plan C: Consulting in order to help the heroes. Eraserhead is impressed by this mysterious new consultant but alarm bells in Deku's behaviour quickly have Aizawa recruiting help for Plan A: Adoption.

Q. A. B. - One month after @hawks_unofficial's initial viral post, the blog titled "Quirk Analysis Blog for the Future", otherwise known as "Q. A. B.", has gone from an average of 10 views per post to an average of 20,000 views per post. Midoriya Izuku does not know how to view the impressions analysis for his suddenly popular blog, and only notices that sometimes, people actually comment on his posts now. He does not google himself or his moniker and thus does not see the rise in online articles and speculation. He is unaware that the "kyuu-ei-bee" he begins to hear about in passing refers to his own blog. He does not have a Twitter account. At the time, Midoriya Izuku is 15 years old.

How to murder your father - It's dangerous to be a bad father when you have a life insurance. Just saying.

Negation - Passive Quirks are a bitch. Izuku is reasonably done with the situation.

Thanks For Your Support - Izuku has the talent and the intellect to be the first Quirkless pro hero, and everyone at UA knows it. Unfortunately, his desire to become a hero has long since been buried thanks to the words of his childhood friend and childhood hero.

Policed To Meet You - Izuku takes All Might's advice and becomes a cop.

Vigilante Work And Other After School Activities - Izuku is a vigilante, Aizawa likes cats and therefore kids who help cats, and sometimes breaks must be forced upon overachieving teenagers.

When the Commission Lost Total Control - The hero polls have a small part where one can suggest their own hero. This is done just because of the amount of heroes is to great to name them all. This creates a little problem for the commission because a vigilante is assumed to be a brand new hero by the public- and ranks pretty high. Because of that, this vigilante now is too popular to hide and they can't come out with their mistake either! Think of the chaos that would bring.

Izuku being Badass but like in not that grand of a way but still tearing-people-down-in-some-way kind of way

He Was Quirkless - Midoriya get's sick of discrimination against the quirkless and decides to do something about it. It leads to some interesting situations. A trilogy.

bloody, but unbowed- It's Advocacy Week for Yuuei's hero students and it gives Midoriya Izuku a lot to think about about what kind of hero he wants Deku to be.

Called Out - When Izuku is hit by a quirk that will cause him to call out the first person to be rude to him on the way to school with every mistake they've made in the affected persons presence or have otherwise effected said affected person, Aizawa is in for a rough ride. In other words, with some help from a quirk, Izuku rakes Aizawa over the hot coals until he gives out. (a great fic but i've got mixed feelings on this one because on one hand, izuku is badass but on the other its Aizawa bashing and really like him skhdskdb so yea! Read it as per your tastes!!)

The time when everyone learned that izuku respects Bakugo more than all might. - I didn't like how Bakugo was tied up during the sports festival and so izuku didn't. Badass izuku roasted all might and midnight.

Villainous Sunshine - After an innocent question, Class 1-A learns just how terrifying Izuku's analysis is. Nedzu's along for the ride.

Never understand ( and you can't ) - Midoriya is sick and tried of his classmates bias and prejudice against the quirkless community and finally breaks

Mastermind: Strategist For Hire - Izuku Midoriya never got the chance to save Bakugo from the sludge villain and impress All Might. With his dream crushed, Izuku becomes bitter and angry. It also doesn't help that he faces discrimination at every turn. All he ever wanted was to be appreciated, so when the villains are the ones to recognize his talents rather than the heroes, well, Izuku just can't resist. He might as well help those who actually want him around. Mistakes were made, and now society must face a villain of their own making: Mastermind.

Malignance - Deku is far scarier than anyone gives him credit for.

Fics in my to read list which has/probably has BAMF izuku

Young Midoriya - Izuku Midoriya couldn't help himself when he saw someone in trouble. Even at 12 years old, his instincts drive him to help those in need. So when he sees Kacchan and his goons about to ambush another student, he has to step in, right? It's not like this hasn't happened before. What is different this time though, is that he's never had an audience that consisted of the Number One Hero.

Heroics and Other Things That Don't Require Superpowers - Izuku doesn't have a quirk. That's the long and short of it. After being told his whole life he can't be a hero, General Education at UA is the best he can hope for, right? Wrong. Dead Wrong. So super wrong that his best friend from Gen Ed, all of Class 1A and a whole mess of Pro Heroes are going to prove to him how wrong he is. Izuku has the makings of a hero, and his lack of a quirk only throws those qualities into starker relief. After all, who wants to be as strong as All Might when you can be the cleverest hero in the business?

Cases of More Than - Izuku is known as Deku online. He's an analyst of quirks, sometimes even working with the local detective, Tsukauchi, on a case. He meets new friends, builds a few relationships, and slowly crushes on his best friend. But then he's thrown into the General Studies Course at U.A. It doesn't help that All for One is showing an interest in him at all.

No Regret - In this world there is no hard set villain or hero. No victim and aggressor. Everyone is at fault for something and Izuku, with his own villain group, will make everyone pay. Even the bystanders who did nothing. This is what society gets for abandoning it's people. Deku will manipulate everyone and be the greatest villain, all so the world can be a better a place. With the stakes so high there is no time for regret.

We Are a Different Kind - Mirio doesn’t think he can be a hero anymore now that he’s quirkless, Izuku calls bullshit.

Live a Hero - "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." Or, you're raised a villain, rebel when you're nine, and fight against the odds to become a hero anyway. That's how it is in Izuku's case.

Prodigal - After being convinced to give One for All to Mirio, Midoriya Izuku must rebuild his shattered dreams with bloody hands.

Two Sides of the Same Coin: Vigilante - Izuku is orphaned at the age of four and is sent into the Japanese Foster Care System. After multiple failed attempts at finding a forever home and some unfortunate circumstance, he ends up on the streets. Eventually, the vigilante, Deku appears. Eraserhead must gain his trust to bring Deku back to the right side of the law. If he he does, however, the untrustful but pure-hearted boy may just be a bit more than Aizawa Shota can handle.

From Muddy Waters - - but the sleeve of his tracksuit was bulging, tearing and ripping and a mass of twisted flesh, nearly as big as the boy himself and nauseatingly familiar (the arm of the man that had torn a hole in his side with a grin and left him a frail shadow of himself) swung forward and slammed into the flat face of the giant robot. Izuku wants to be a hero more than anything.

Pieces are easily sacrificed when they're nameless - Nobody ever thought quirkless, weak, weird Midoriya Izuku was dangerous. This perception carried over to his first year high school class, because really despite the super strength Midoriya didn't have it in him to be dangerous. That was their first mistake. And the one that would see them fall.

Not exactly BAMF izuku but i just wanted to rec these fics <3

In the shade of a sunflower - Being biologically quirkless came more with an extra pinkie joint in the toes and a stunning lack of vestiges mutations. It came with smaller things, like extra teeth that did virtually nothing, exploding organs, and weird exposed nerves that weren't designed to feel pain.

Throat Punch - In which Aizawa attempts to teach Izuku how to use various battle tactics and it goes just about as well as you'd expect. At least Shinsou is there with his fantastic commentary. (just a fun lil thing where izuku is really stronk and trains with shinsou and aizawa)

So Be It - He could still do good. Midoriya could show them all what a hero without powers looked like. If he had to break a few rules to do it, so be it. So be it… (as stated not exactly BAMF but its a vigilante izuku so ye-)

Never Enter a Drinking Game with Bakugo or Izuku - Izuku walks in on Kirishima and Kaminari having a drinking competition (no alcohol involved). And it reminds him of an old story.

5 Times Midoriya Taught Class 1A about Memes and 1 Time they Found a Villain that Understood Them - After being diagnosed as quirkless, Midoriya gets into pre-guirk media and finds memes. He shares them with Class 1A. Aizawa doesn't get paid enough for this. (THIS FIC???? FUCKING AWESOME. LITERALLY WHAT I WANTED TO SEE)

Midoriya: JD Version - Nedzu has decided that a play should be put on so that the students can learn how to "go undercover", an idea which Aizawa thinks is utter bullshit. They're putting on Heathers and when Nedzu chooses to cast Midoriya for JD, everyone objects. Midoriya is a much better actor than they thought.

that is a lot!! I hope you have fun reading it!!!

[gffa]

Hi!  I went through a similar phase as several of you--I never really connected the dots between my own aro/ace qualities and my gravitating towards the Jedi culture until someone else pointed it out and then everything just sort of clicked together in my head in a way that made so much sense. And I think it can be really useful to view the Jedi through this lens of aro/ace culture, not because people are obligated to agree to this interpretation (they absolutely are not obligated to do so!) but because it provides a framework of reference for why not being drawn to romance and/or sex is not a foundational flaw in characters.  That there might even be an entire group of people who find that to be really satisfying and fulfilling--I mean, look at how many people gravitated to this discussion (or were already here) in just one day on one person’s blog on one social media platform.  It’s not hard at all for me to think, yeah, I’m looking at us building aro/ace culture of our own, it’d be easy for an in-universe group of people to do the same, and the lack of romance and/or sex wouldn’t be them suppressing their feelings or lacking something fundamental about the human condition, either. That’s part of why the Jedi mean a lot to me--there are other things as well, I greatly value their “face the shit within yourself, acknowledge that shit, and then let that shit go, because holding onto it is poison that will hurt you”, as someone who came to the same conclusions long before I was ever a Star Wars fan.  I love the worldbuilding, I love the psychic space wizards aspects, I love how goddamned extra they are about everything, etc. But a culture that not only doesn’t prioritize romance/sex, but actively values other things and finds meaning in those things?  That we see they have friendships and connections all over the place, that they find joy and meaning in teaching their students (and learning from their students, just as much as they teach them), that they find joy in helping others and protecting others, that they love through different ways, that they love the galaxy around them, they love their brothers and sisters in the Force, that they love their community and their culture?  That they just don’t seem to really want love and romance? Even those that do feel romantic feelings (setting Anakin aside, of course) still find the Jedi path to be a fulfilling one.  Obi-Wan may have had romantic feelings for Satine (which was apparently fine, it’s about his commitment and where he places it, I’m pretty sure that was the whole point of the Obi-Wan/Satine relationship, to be a narrative foil for Anakin/Padme, where Anakin does prioritize his feelings for Padme over his morals and judgement, which results in disaster of epic proportions) but he is a fully realized character without them.  He loves--we see that with Qui-Gon, Ahsoka, Luke, Anakin--that he cares deeply, that he’s a compassionate person, that he lives a life that he considers satisfying.  He becomes a Force Ghost and we can see him looking out over Endor, at the things that have finally been set back to rights, and he’s happy. Even within canon, the Jedi that feel restless and like something is wrong in this galaxy, they’re not restless because they want romance/sex, but because they want to do more as Jedi.  They want to help more people, they want to do more good in the galaxy, and do you know how much that means to me?  That even those who are dissatisfied (setting aside those that leave the Jedi Order because they want to have romantic relationships, which are treated warmly by the Order and by the people who left, like Tula’s grandmother) don’t have to be shoved back into the same box so many mainstream properties shove the characters into?  That it’s not about how, oh, they want traditional nuclear families, but instead that they want MORE of what the Jedi are--more love as shown through service to others, more love as shown through helping others. Do you know what a relief it is to have a group of people who find fulfillment in the same kind of things that I do?  Friendships and helping others and learning/teaching about the galaxy around them and self-reflection/understanding and accomplishments the like?  That these are treated, not just as valuable, not even just as valuable, but more valuable to these specific people?  Without demonizing that they’re totally cool with other people wanting romantic love?  DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MEANS TO ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS THAT THE JEDI DON’T REALLY SEEM INTERESTED IN ROMANCE OR SEX AND INSTEAD FIND SATISFACTION IN OTHER THINGS?  THAT IT’S NOT ABOUT SUPPRESSING YOURSELF, BUT THAT PEOPLE SOMETIMES JUST REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT THOSE THINGS.  SOMETIMES EVEN LARGE GROUPS OF PEOPLE. That the Jedi aren’t just “hey, this one Jedi can be read as aro/ace, that’s neat” but instead the Jedi said, “Hey, how about an ENTIRE CULTURE that vibes hard with aro/ace culture?”  That it’s the one mainstream culture that I can think of that really can be interpreted to say, “You’re not just an outlier, but YOU’RE THE NORM in this fictional society.”  Do you know what kind of value that has to me, as someone who only has the tiniest scraps of representation for this character or that character who maybe might be like me, but are rarely confirmed and are almost always The Different One?  Do you know what kind of value it has to me that it’s not just one or two of them, but that THE CULTURE ITSELF is where I would fit in?  That they built an entire society where nearly all of them seem to be Like Me? AN ENTIRE SOCIETY OF PEOPLE I WOULD FIT IN WITH? Which isn’t even getting into the worldbuilding specifics that are so much fun to play with--like, can you imagine what it would be like to have this psychic connection to this vast field of energy in the cosmos?  To be able to sense the feelings of others around you, to feel their presence even when they’re halfway across the galaxy, to just know what they’re feeling?  To be constantly surrounded by the lights of those souls that are gently nudging up against your own?  The warmth and peace of the Jedi Temple that isn’t just what you see/hear/touch, but also what permeates your very thoughts, the soothing balm on your soul that it would be? Can you imagine what it would be like to have this in your head all the time?

A familiar sense of warmth, of belonging, of finding himself part of an endless lattice of connections that held him and everything else, each fixed in its proper place.  A Force. Romance and sex can be wonderful.  But they are not the sole defining qualities of what it means to be sentient or what it means to be fulfilled.  The Force being described as an endless lattice of connections and warmth, that sounds incredibly wonderful and human to me, that sounds incredibly fulfilling and like everything I could possibly want. That is what the Jedi seek and have found.  That is the foundation of their culture.  That is the culmination of their lives. This is why their relationships are so wonderful and I’m so glad that the iconic Jedi relationships, whether we as fans turn towards shipping them or not, whether we joke about how much you can read into them or not, are ones that are all about other aspects that are just as epic and important. Obi-Wan’s most iconic relationships are with Luke, Anakin, Qui-Gon, Ahsoka.  They’re all incredible ones and it’s not to disparage his feelings for Satine (I love them as a pairing, too!), but that his character is defined more by familial and platonic relationships being just as galaxy-shaking as romantic ones might have been in another story?  That means a lot to me. Anakin is, of course, driven by his romantic relationship with Padme, but think about how important his relationships with Obi-Wan and Ahsoka are, ones that don’t have to be seen through the lens of romance.  That the ultimate climax of the prequels was Anakin’s fight with Obi-Wan, a familial connection.  That the ultimate climax of TCW was about Ahsoka’s relationship with Anakin, another familial/platonic connection. Ahsoka is a rising star in the SW franchise and her most iconic connections are with Anakin and Rex, both of which do not have to be interpreted through the romantic/sexual lens, that are complete just as they are presented.  That even when she can no longer be a Jedi, even when that possibility is stolen from her, she still doesn’t need to be defined through romance or sex. Yoda has many important, iconic relationships and is such a central character to the mythos and mythology of Star Wars.  His relationship with Luke is one of the most foundational of the OT, his relationship with Obi-Wan is important when you dig further into the supplementary material, his relationship with Anakin creates some of the most memorable scenes of the prequels.  All without ever having him desire a girlfriend.  Hell, the movies had Yaddle right there and you know what?  She wasn’t Yoda’s girlfriend, he wasn’t her boyfriend, that’s not what they were to each other, because they didn’t really seem to have any desire for that. THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE THE JEDI.  They show compassion and care and love all over the place, but they do it through George Lucas’ views on how people should strive to be, and they do it not through romance, but through friendship and helping others and seeking greater understanding of self-knowledge and artistry through the Force, and none of that should ever make them lesser, just as aromantic and asexual people seeking those same things does not make them lesser. We are people who love just as much as anyone else, we have fulfilling and wonderful lives, I don’t know any aro/ace person who would really even want to change themselves, we find ourselves to be perfectly fantastic the way we are.  I don’t feel some part of me is missing, I don’t feel I’m less interesting because I’m aro/ace, I love being the way I am.  I love how much my friends and family mean to me, I love how much joy I get out of caring for animals or helping other people or even simply yelling about Star Wars with them.  My connections to people are just as wonderful as anyone else’s, regardless of how they’re not in the romantic/sexual category. And, so too are the Jedi.

[newtxtinaforever]

Happy Birthday Tina!

Hello there! Today's one shot is sponsored by @neighborhood-newtina-reblogger, a tumblr that I greatly admire. Okay, it's not technically sponsored by the blog, but it did provide the prompt/idea for this one shot, which I will include at the very end in case you want to know what it is. Also, the fanart above belongs to @sydsketch and partially inspires my fanfic as well. Don't want to put the prompt at the beginning and spoil the story, so without further ado, I hope you enjoy this little piece of my Newtina heart. Oh, and happy birthday Tina! ☺️

3rd POV

"Oh, Newt. She's perfect!" Tina exclaimed happily, a smile brightening up her usually tense features. It wasn't that the American witch held a grudge against smiling or having fun; quite the opposite, in fact. She was so used to being responsible that her default look was to come across as a professional who took her job seriously. When she was with Newt, however, she couldn't help but smile. His light-hearted nature simply had a way of making her feel like she could let her guard down and didn't have to worry about what kind of person Newt was. Having fought alongside him in the fight against Grindelwald, Tina knew she could trust Newt. It was a good thing because he had just given her a creature to call her own.

"Really? That's wonderful to hear. I hoped you would like her but I wasn't completely sure if you would be interested in-" Newt was quickly interrupted by Tina's warm words of gratitude. "I love her, Newt. Thank you," she replied. Her eyes sparkled with a light reminiscent of the creature that currently rested in its small glass case. "What's her name?" Tina asked softly as she admired the speckled salamander. Newt blushed before replying, "Well, I thought you might like to name her seeing as she's yours." Both pairs of eyes connected for the briefest of moments.

"Of course!" Tina blurted, although she soon regained her composure. "I'm not quite sure where to start, but I'm sure we can think of something." Newt's tender smile at Tina's inclusion of the word 'we' went unnoticed for the most part, yet the tone of their environment was clearly evident. It was nearly impossible to miss the delicate care each person felt for the other, so alive and tangible was it. The silence that settled in during certain moments of the conversation were not uncomfortable, but peaceful instead. Surprisingly enough, Newt was the next one to speak up.

"Keegan," he uttered cryptically. Tina tilted her head to the right by a dozen degrees. "Who?" she wondered aloud, her sharp eyes fixed on Newt. The famous magizoologist remained quiet for several seconds until Tina cleared her throat. "Oh, I'm sorry. I was simply suggesting Keegan as a name, but I understand if you don't like it. She's yours, so feel free to choose whatever name you feel is best."

Tina lowered her gaze to the ground, then extended her head upward. "The name's fine, Newt. And I want you to be included in the naming process, trust me," she said with reassurance in her voice. Newt smiled. "What about Thea? She's the Greek goddess of light, which is fitting since salamanders feed off of fire, right?" Tina inquired. She waited for a response from Newt, but he appeared not to have heard her. Beginning to wonder if something was wrong with him, Tina repeated the end of her previous sentence. "Right, Newt?"

The man in question displayed signs of life after what seemed like forever. His nose was scrunched as if he had caught a whiff of rotting maggots while his eyes blinked ferociously. What was going on? Tina prompted Newt to explain his behavior, although it took some serious persuading. "The name sounds a bit like... well... like Theseus, my brother." Tina nodded her head in agreement and decided to move on. The last thing she wanted was for her new companion to remind Newt of his older brother.

"Perhaps you might consider Idris. It's Welsh and can mean 'fiery' depending on the language." Newt explained gently. His voice was rich and full of childlike wonder, much to Tina's delight. It was rare to find such a kindred spirit in a world where brute strength and power was often congratulated. Tina tried not to let her emotions become too obvious as she lovingly murmured, "I think Idris is a lovely name. Thank you, Newt." Once again, both pairs of eyes connected and lingered; the result was pure fascination and ultimately love.

With their eyes still fixed on each other, Tina closed the space between them. Her long, thin arms wrapped themselves around the middle of Newt's back. Much like their prolonged glances, this embrace was personal and private, something that was special between them. Tina was keenly aware of Newt's reservations regarding the hug, so she made sure to take baby steps while reassuring Newt at the same time. Her fingers brushed lightly against Newt's back, the warmth from her hands radiating through his pale blue shirt. With a great amount of hesitance and care, Tina tightened her grip on Newt. Hopefully he wouldn't feel uncomfortable; that was the last thing Tina wanted. Nevertheless, she held on to him, refusing to let go just yet.

Nearly a minute had passed before Newt reciprocated the hug. Unbeknownst to Tina, his eyes watered and a huge grin spread across his face. Both sets of arms rested gently on the other's back, a sign of peace and acceptance. It didn't take long for Tina to pull Newt in closer, more confident this time. Any lingering doubt as to whether or not Newt would perceive such intimate physical contact to be desirable was gone. She knew that he would understand just as she had learned to understand the roundabout way he comforted and complimented her.

With an overflowing heart, Newt Scamander enveloped Tina in his arms; pure, sentimental emotion surrounded them. Every part of him wanted nothing more than to freeze that moment and remember it forever. Not only was it rare for Newt to desire physical contact, but it was also rare for him to feel so content as a result of it. In Tina, Newt found appreciation and compassion. Despite miscommunication being a continuous issue between them, the two old souls always managed to make things right. If Newt was honest, Tina completed him — to a certain extent. He hadn't felt that his life was 'less than' without her, but he did notice a change whenever she was around, whether physically or in Newt's thoughts. She was someone who helped him restore his jaded view of humanity, and for that, Newt was grateful.

The embrace continued for several more minutes, Newt mentally recording what it felt like to be so close to Tina.

The scent of her hair, the touch of her hands. Newt was so mesmerized that he even dared to lift Tina off the ground, just a couple inches, and spin her very gently. It was instinct and had occurred before he could stop himself. Never before had he allowed his emotions to come off so strongly in the presence of another human being, and he had to admit: it felt freeing.

As for Tina, she experienced similar sentiments during their embrace. Mind racing, heart soaring... Since when did Newt display such sudden outbursts of affection? While Tina was slightly confused by this, she didn't question it because of her elation. If Newt was comfortable enough to be so physically close with her, she took it as a sign of growth and was proud of him. Each second that passed served as a reward earned by the energy both had spent in order to fight against the evil forces that threatened wizards and muggles alike. After years of fighting, Newt and Tina were given a moment of reprieve. A moment to be still, but more importantly, to be happy.

For Newt, happiness took the form of feeding his creatures. This was nothing new, but having Tina by his side — her eyes full of adoration — made the event much more enjoyable. For Tina, growing closer to Newt served as her main source of happiness, although she also happened to find it in the pursuit of wizardkind's most elite criminals. After all, being an Auror was an important part of Tina's life. The fact that her devotion to justice nearly managed to get her killed was unfortunate, yet Tina had put it in the past where it belonged. She needed her job because it allowed her to protect innocent lives, and that was something Tina would never stop pursuing. Whether it was a sideways smile or a lengthy yet tender hug, both Newt and Tina were fond of the little things in life as well as each other. Nothing, not even Grindelwald, could take those feelings away from them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's Note: Below is the prompt for the above one shot ⬇️⬇️

I want Tina to initiate newtina’s first embrace. And I want it to happen in a happy context. I want her to realize that maybe Newt isn’t bold enough just yet to make that move, so she takes control and latches onto him. It won’t be like when Theseus hugged him, arms and back stiff the whole time. It will be at first, while he takes a few seconds to process what’s happening. In those few seconds, Tina is fully aware he’s processing the situation, so she holds him even tighter to reassure him that yes, she’s here. She wants this. She will wait. And once he finally accepts that, I want Newt to reciprocate her embrace with an enormous grin on his face (bonus points for misty eyes). I want him to wrap his arms around her back and tentatively return her gesture. Tina pulls even tighter to erase that last bit of questioning how far he should go. Then, Newt fully wraps her up in him, encasing her with his arms and body as completely as he can (bonus points for a little pick up and spin or something extra cute like that). And they stay like that for a while, just appreciating each other. Wordlessly processing their emotions. Surrendering to their feelings. Just being together like they want.

[butsomeofusarelookingatthestars]

Hey would you do something were someone in the readers family has a criminal history, and she also works for the fbi (kind of like seaver, though doesn’t necessary have to be a serial killer) and she's been keeping it a secret from Luke cause she is afraid he'll break up with her, but then he finds out because of a case or something? I really love your blog btw 😘

Because of You

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Luke Alvez x Reader

Prompt: Request

A/N: I really wanted to go the angsty route, but I know weall need a little bit of fluff during times like this! I’ll consider it apublic duty. I hope you are all keeping safe and well. Enjoy and take care ofyourselves! xx

“Y/N, you and Luketalk to the family. They’re the only ones who can help us.”

You sighed heavily as you slammed the car door shut, yourfeet dragging as you reluctantly made your way towards the house. The area was ratherquaint, neighbours happily conversing across the street and white picket fencesenclosing their impressively neat gardens. No one would ever have suspectedthat it hid such darkness.

But you knew better than to be deceived by appearances.

“Are you okay? You’ve been quiet all day.”

You were startled by the light grip on your wrist, jumpingin surprise as your eyes landed on Luke. During the car journey, you’d almostforgotten his presence. The concern in his dark brown eyes made your heart achewith guilt. He couldn’t find out. He’dnever be able to look at you the same. 

“I’m fine.” You replied quietly, pulling away from his graspas you focused your attention on the front door, knocking gently as youdesperately tried to ignore his inquisitive gaze. It opened slowly to reveal awoman on the other side.

“Miss Daniels?”

The woman flinched, her eyes narrowing as they landed uponyour and Luke’s badges. Clearly, FBI agents wouldn’t be welcome in her home. “I’vetold you people before, I don’t know anything! Why won’t you listen to me?” Shecried in exasperation.

“Miss Daniels. If you don’t help us-” Luke began, his voiceremaining calm and authoritative despite the circumstances. “More people couldget hurt.” He warned.  

But she only shook her head, retaining her defiant silence. “I’vetold you agent, I don’t know where my brother is.” She whispered, pressing herlips together firmly, but she couldn’t hide the fear in her eyes. Fear you knewall too well.

You froze for a moment, hesitating to betray your ownemotions. But times were desperate and you knew you were running out of timefor the latest victim. You had to forget that Luke was stood beside you as youplaced a gentle hand on the door to prevent it from being closed.

“It’s not easy…” You murmured softly, your eyes searchinghers as she gazed at you in shock. “He’s your family. He’s your brother. It’s only natural to feel asense of-” You paused for a moment, biting your lip as you searched for theright word. “-loyalty.”

The word tasted bitter on your lips. You knew what it feltlike to feel so ashamed, yet still want to defend a loved one. Even when itdidn’t make sense.

“You want to protecthim?” You asked softly. She nodded, remaining silent as a tear dripped slowlydown her cheek. “Then, the best way to do that is by helping us.” You told her,your voice surprisingly calm and reassuring as you reached forward to gentlytouch her hand. “Help us stop him before he hurts someone else.”

                                                                                                                                A quiet groan escaped your lips as you stretched out, attemptingto rid yourself of the aches and pains that accompanied a seven-hour flighthome. It hadn’t been comfortable, curling up on the individual seat positionedaway from the others, but it had been necessary.

You simply didn’t want to participate in their post-casecelebratory drinks, engage in friendly conversation…or face Luke’s concernedgaze. You knew he suspected something was wrong and the worry etched on hisface only made the guilt worse. It terrified you to think he could discover thereal reason why you hadn’t been yourself today.

For the past two years, he had only seen you as hisco-worker and friend. For only the past few months, he had been getting to knowyou as his girlfriend. And, you weren’t willing to risk your relationship orthe man you cared about…not for anything.

“The others are heading off to O’Keefe’s if you’re up forit?”

You held back a sigh at the sound of his voice, desperatelytrying to hide your dismay. Your plan had been to escape early and slip past whilstthe others debriefed in the meeting room. But, it seemed like you’d have nosuch luck when it came to avoiding Luke.

“I think I’m just going to head home.” You told him,ignoring his inquisitive gaze as you focused on packing your bag. “I think theflight back has wiped me out.” You lied, your voice faltering slightly as your handbegan to shake. You could only hope he believed it was a sigh of exhaustionrather than fear.

“Oh!” Luke murmured, clearly disappointed with your decisionas he nodded carefully. “I’ll drive you home then. We can stay at mine tonightif you want to?”

Your heart raced. Of course, he wanted to look after you. IfLuke knew something was wrong, his protective nature wouldn’t allow you to walkout of here alone. You knew you had to lie.

“It’s fine.” You told him, forcing a smile onto your face asyou grabbed your bag. “I’m tired and I think I just need some time by myself. I’llfeel better tomorrow.”

But before you could make your escape, his fingers gentlyenclosed around your wrist. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as his eyes rakedover your face in concern.

“Whatever it is you can tell me Y/N.” He murmured softly. “Pleasedon’t keep avoiding me. If I’ve done something wrong, I want to put it right.”

The heartfelt plea made your heart sink. You couldn’t let himthink he was the problem.

“I know how she felt…the unsub’s sister.” You told himquietly, closing your eyes as you ran a hand through your hair in frustration.You couldn’t bear to look at him, knowing he’d be carefully following yourevery word and trying to figure out the reason behind your distress.

“My brother used to be like that - unpredictable, explosivetemper…even cruel at times.” You croaked, the emotions threatening to overspillas you opened your eyes to meet Luke’s worried gaze. “Afterwards he’d alwaysapologise though. He was so charming and…you could almost believe he was sorry.”

You paused, struggling to get out your next sentence. Lukeremained silent, watching you carefully as you lowered your head. He was such agood listener, refusing to interrupt even if you knew he must have a dozenquestions.  

He deserved to knowthe truth.

“He was arrested five years ago. After he brutally attackeda woman.” Tears stung your eyes as you felt them begin to fall down yourcheeks. “She was in hospital for weeks. The doctors thought it could havecaused permanent damage.”

Luke reached out a hand in an effort to comfort you, but youevaded his grasp. You didn’t deserve tobe comforted.

“I knew. I knew what he was.” You rasped, your heartthundering as your breathing became increasingly laboured.

“You knew?” Luke asked quietly, his tone difficult to readas he glanced down at the floor. You felt your heart sink. He must be disappointed.

A sob escaped your throat. “I knew something wasn’t rightwith him. But he was my brother. I didn’t think-” Your voice faulted as tearsstreamed down your face, blurring your vision. “I should have said something. IfI would have maybe-”

You could still see her bruised face, the pain in her eyesas he smirked smugly in court. It had been little consolation that he hadreceived a harsh sentence. Her life wouldn’t never be the same again. Yet, evenmonths later as he sent you a letter begging you to visit, a part of you stillwanted to be there for him. Protect him.

“It’s like no matter what I do now. I’ll never be able tomake up for it.” You whispered, your cheeks stained with tears as you buriedyour face in your hands. “It doesn’t matter how many people we help, I still…”

Perhaps it was the reason you were so committed to your job,the reason why you went above and beyond for victims and their families and thereason why you stayed late so many nights at the BAU. But it was also thereason why you still felt compassion for unsubs’ relatives who pleaded with youto understand…

You felt ashamed forit.

A pained silence fell across the room as you buried yourface deeper into your hands, unwilling to witness the disappointment in Luke’sbrown eyes. It felt like an eternity had passed before he finally spoke.

“You don’t realise do you?”

You hesitated, his soft voice still calm and reassuring asyou glanced up at him in confusion. “What?”

He gave you a small smile as he reached forward to gentlytake your hand. Your heart fluttered as he tenderly stroked your wrist, themotion instantly soothing. “How amazing you are?”

His words caught you completely off guard.

“It’s because of you that we saved that girl today. It’sbecause of you that his sister decided to help us.” He told you firmly, liftinghis thumb to gently sweep away the tears that still lingered on your face. “You’renot him. His actions don’t say anything about you.”

“But I- I-” You stuttered, trying to find the words to explain,but Luke’s kindness and rendered you speechless. He smiled softly as his armswrapped around your waist and he pulled you close. You could feel thereassuring beat of his heart beneath your fingers as you rested against thewarmth of his chest.

“You are the most compassionate, loving and caring person Iknow.” He whispered into your hair, pressing a tender kiss on the top of yourhead. “That’s not something to be ashamed of.”

You could only lean into his touch, one of your handsentwining in his short hair as you pressed a light kiss against his lips,trying to express just how grateful you were for his reassurance.

“You’re you. And, I love you for that.” 

[i-am-gusu]

I have read Wei Ying’s post. From before. At last. I feel… conflicted about them.

I know that everything went badly because I read Wei Ying’s blog posts. But, after I was done reading them… I regret not listening to Huaisang and reading when he told me to.

There is definitely some of that that still hurts. “Tender spots to work on,” the therapist said. It’s exactly what she wanted us to find with me reading these. But… Now that I am done reading the posts, I see it. How much Wei Ying loves me. How deeply. Even during the worst of everything… He still loved me. Even as I didn’t deserve any forgiveness nor compassion… He was still hoping for us to meet again. 

The first days, when he was still under the RE… Those were hard to read. But… I am still… Deeply touched and awed that Wei Ying… That you…

Wei Ying. I never stopped loving you, not even once, not even during that whole week. I want you to know that. I want you to know that there is nothing you can ever say or do that will ever stop me from loving you. Even if you wish to leave, to go away, I will still love you. There has only ever been you. There will only ever be you. 

As… ironic as it sounds now, I wish I had read these posts. I would have found hope in them. But… I also know that, realistically, it might have broken something else. 

I am glad to have discovered them now. I am glad that you still loved me. I am glad you came back. Glad and grateful. So grateful. 

Wei Ying. I love you. I like you, too. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me again?

…

I am aware that the whole exercise was not for the purpose of loving you more. I will not, however, reject this unexpected side-effect. 

I have much to talk about with my therapist next Wednesday. We’ve been talking a lot about my relationship with my family lately. There is… a lot to unpack there. I am aware this is a euphemism. We talked about Uncle’s visits to the café. He still comes. Every Thursdays, he shows up at the same hour, sits at the same place. Wei Ying has noticed him too, although I can see he keeps his distance with him when he comes downstairs to eat something (he has Thursdays off). A-Yuan doesn’t seem to have the same hesitations, however. Last week, he was there when Uncle was sitting at his table. And A-Yuan… He’s very curious and sociable. He has befriended every customer that happens to be in the café at the same time he is, and sometimes, when someone is particularly inclined to talk with him, he sits with them. We all keep an eye on him, just in case, but he tends to stay with the regulars most of the time, and I can see that they adore him as much as we do. 

He went to Uncle that day. I think A-Yuan might have been put at ease already because Banana was sitting next to Uncle, and the bunnies are only allowed with the most regular of our customers. A-Yuan just sat at his table with his colouring books and some crayons and started talking with Uncle, telling him about his day. 

I am… I thought Uncle would push him away. Tell him to keep quiet. I was ready to tell Uncle to leave if he did. I remember feeling so tense, watching, waiting. Wei Ying was not downstairs yet when it happened. But then, Uncle just… listened to him. Nodded when appropriate. I even saw a hint of a smile at one point and… 

…

I felt jealous… It’s stupid. It’s shameful… Even though my therapist said it’s not, I know it is… I felt jealous because A-Yuan was receiving more consideration from my Uncle than I did at his age… My therapist suggested that perhaps I did receive that kind of attention but forgot about it later on when things changed. “Or perhaps, he is trying to make amends and showing you how it could be from now on,” she added. She knows he has been coming to the café more often. She knows about the last time we fought, after learning more about Mom. I’m just… not so sure about what he truly wants. Or, rather, I’m not so sure I want to let him do what he wants.

Xichen talks with him more often than I do, that I know. But he still allows me to take my time. I think he’s happy that I haven’t kicked Uncle out of the café yet. Sometimes, he comes at the same time as Uncle and sits with him. They haven’t asked me to sit with them yet when they are there. I don’t know if I would want to if they did. 

There are… many memories I thought I had forgotten that has been coming back with therapy. I have been surprised by some more with Mom. One with Dad. I… I forgot his face. I remember Mom’s clearly. But I forgot what Dad looked like. He’s still on the pictures in Uncle’s house, I remember what he looks like on these. But I don’t remember what he looked like as a father. The memory of him is… short. A faceless kiss goodnight… It makes me angry. 

… Maybe my main problem with my family is the same with everything else. Too rigid. Too stubborn… Cannot let go… 

… I will talk about that on my appointment next Wednesday. That and that list of emotions I compiled after reading Wei Ying’s posts. It is… surprisingly short. At least compared to what I thought it would be, when I didn’t know what would wait for me in Wei Ying’s posts. Wei Ying’s love derailed all the thoughts of self-doubt and fear I had about him, about us, when I first started reading them. 

I also felt this immense gratitude towards Wei Ying’s brother, for keeping him safe, for taking care of him. When I saw him for the first time after our wedding, I told him he could punch me in the face. I was ready for it. I deserved it after all. Wei Ying didn’t want him to. Jiang Cheng knows that the offer is still on the table, should he ever wish to fulfill his wish. He is a good brother in law. A great brother to Wei Ying. I truly appreciate his presence in our lives, even if I often do not understand his interactions with Wei Ying all the time.

There is still something that I know I will have to talk about. I don’t know if I want to. I know I don’t want to. 

It’s this… the memories of past bullying. I read those posts before, the ones that made me feel like I was back in school, in places where I was left aside, alone. The ones that felt more mocking in tone. They made me feel the same way again. 

I know it has nothing to do with Wei Ying. This is not his doing. But… My therapist said that more than 20 years of living with the rigidity of my Uncle’s rules left deep marks that I am here to heal. Perhaps… Perhaps almost 20 years of mistreatment outside of the house left these too. 

I don’t want to call it that. Mistreatment. I know it was bullying. But I don’t want to call it that. I don’t want to… I just keep hearing Uncle tell me to ignore them. Ignore them. Ignore them. And… I want to keep doing that. Even though I know it hurt me. Even though I know it hurts me still, in these smaller ways. I know it does, because Wei Ying’s posts wouldn’t have hurt like that if it wasn’t. 

It is on the list. 

The other thing on the list is… Still that fear that I carry. The fear that I’ll be just like my father. I know it’s still there in so many different ways. I hate him so much… It’s the only thing that Wei Ying’s love couldn’t reassure as I kept reading. Manipulation, mostly. 

… I never wrote about these things I learnt about my parents… I remember not wanting to confess to Wei Ying yet because of them. I remember wanting to push the moment further away, because I was scared. So scared… I don’t think I want to write about this yet. I want to write about it, write about my parent’s whole relationship, if only to have a clearer picture of them. If only to remember more of my mother, something I was never truly allowed to do. 

I will write about that, but not now. I did my homework, at last. I will see where it leads, next Wednesday…

Wei Ying. I love you. And I am so, so happy that we get to have something that is genuine and mutual together. Desired by the both of us. I love you so much. 

Hold me close tonight?

[lady-therion]

a prompt for elriel could be florist elain x part timer azriel ! elain needs help with her flower shop and at the right moment azriel comes around in need of a job and a temporary place to stay(; !

A/N: What a sweet prompt, anon! 

***

Boys and Flowers

***

Elain knows that flowers aren’t permanent. 

They grow and they die. Then, they do it all over again, season by season. Here’s the real magic: You never encounter the same flower twice. Each one is unique, not unlike people. 

Elain knows that people aren’t permanent either. 

Take Graysen. Or rather, let’s not. Elain’s memories of him are oil-dark and bitter. In the morning, she opens her planner and marks down the number of days since “the unspeakable incident.” Today’s tally is 43. In the margins, she writes, “I’m not numb anymore. Just sad.” Which is progress. Feyre would throw her a party. Nesta would buy her a drink.

But neither of her sisters are here. They are far away in a different state, still wondering about Elain’s decision to move and open her own flower shop. They ask a lot of sensible questions: Why open a small business in this economy? Why not just work for a local florist? What are you going to do about rent? 

It’s fair for them to worry. Money is a sore subject in their family. But Elain stands by her decision. The reason for leaving is simple: She’s tired of playing a role in someone else’s story. Here, in a town where almost no one knows her, she has the space to learn what her story is really about. 

All her life, Elain has been waiting to meet herself. 

Now she’s got her chance.

On a less philosophical note, her sisters are still right about money. Business is good, but she’s been having trouble keeping up with orders, which has been eating away at her bottom line. Her inbox is a disappointment. There are no applications for a potential assistant. Location is probably an issue. Her flower shop isn’t by any convenient public transit.

She chews her lip; a bad habit. What would she do if she couldn’t reach a sustainable quota? Her savings are fine, but they can only get her so far. Would she need to take out a loan? Could she even afford the interest? How long would it be before she goes into the red…? 

A swift knock at the door interrupts her downward spiral. Elain freezes. There’s only one person in this town who actually comes to visit. 

Over Zoom, Feyre calls him “the sexy neighbor.” 

Nesta calls him “the nuisance.” 

Elain just knows him as Azriel.  

He lives in the apartment next door. The first time they met was over a noise complaint; her noise complaint. Azriel himself isn’t particularly loud. But his lady friends? Just thinking about the sounds they made caused the blood rush to her cheeks (and other places). 

Obviously, Azriel is very generous in that area. 

But generous or not, Elain wasn’t about to lose any more sleep. 

Hi, I’m Elain. Your new neighbor. 

Ah. I’m Azriel. A pleasure. 

Right…pleasure. 

How are you liking the new —? 

— Did you know our bedrooms share the same very thin wall? 

I….what…? 

Did she regret bringing it up so abruptly? Yes. But constant sleep deprivation had already frayed her patience. It didn’t matter that Azriel literally looked like one of those Greek statues on display at the Louvre. It didn’t matter that he had eyes and tattoos and muscles that could stop traffic.  

Elain may have lost her way in a lot of things. 

But she did not lose her manners. 

And she would absolutely hold her neighbors to the same standard.

She can remember how Azriel blushed to the tips of his ears as he stammered an apology. The next day, there was a bouquet of flowers left on her doorstep (and a pair of ear plugs, the scoundrel). But after that, there were no more lady friends (that she could hear, anyway, with or without the ear plugs). 

As part of their truce, they would invite each other over for brunch at least once a week. It gives Elain something to look forward to. Especially since she still hasn’t met anyone else here. 

Besides, she finds his presence soothing. He doesn’t ask her too many questions. She doesn’t ask him in turn. Elain gets the sense that they’re both living from moment to moment. Or that they’re both running from something that they can’t give voice to. Maybe someday, they would. 

Azriel’s broody eyes gleam when she opens the door. 

And no, it does not make her heart race. It does not. 

“Elain.” 

He never says “hey” or “hi there” when he sees her. He just says her name, then smiles. Not a toothpaste commercial smile either. His smiles are quiet and tentative things, like he isn’t used to doing them often. That he would always make an effort for her in this way brings her inexplicable joy. Like watching the sun suddenly appear on a gray afternoon.

“Want some coffee?”  

“I’m getting evicted.” 

Elain’s heart drops to her feet. She opens the door a little wider. “Want something a little stronger?”

***

Turns out their landlord is a jerk. 

“So you were dating his ex?” 

Azriel drains his glass. “Dating is kind of a strong word.” 

“Hn.” Well, who is Elain to judge? “That doesn’t really seem like grounds to evict someone.” In fact, Elain is pretty sure that whatever’s going on is illegal. She thinks about calling her father. Being a businessman himself, he could probably put Azriel in touch with a good lawyer. 

Azriel waves away her offer. “It was bound to happen anyway. People are petty. And cruel.” 

Elain thinks of Graysen. She thinks about the scars on Azriel’s hands. The scars they never talk about. Yes, people can be cruel. But people can also be kind. The fact that Azriel takes the worst of humanity for granted saddens her more than anything else. 

She doesn’t want to lose him as her neighbor. 

“Where will you go?” 

“I could move in with one of my brothers for a while.” He tells her where they live. Her anxiety deepens. They’re just as far away as her sisters. “I don’t want to bother you with this either, but some of my contracts fell through. Even if I could stay here, I wouldn’t be able to make the rent.” 

Elain swallows. There are moments in life that one calls turning points. Turn one way, it will become this. Turn another way, and it will become that. There is no way to tell which path is the right choice. But although Elain isn’t blessed with future sight, she is blessed with a sense of indomitable compassion.

She proposes a plan.

“What?” 

“You can live here,” she says again. 

The silence that follows could rival graveyards. “Elain…I can’t do that. How would I pay you?” 

She tells him about the shop. 

“I don’t know anything about flowers.” 

“I’ll teach you.” 

“Elain —” 

“It’s temporary,” she insists. It’s a good thing all Archerons were born with an iron-clad persistence gene. “You can stay in the spare bedroom until you figure out your next move.” When he doesn’t say anything else, she adds, “You won’t be freeloading. You’ll be helping me out. I can’t fulfill as many orders without an assistant.” 

“I…don’t you think it’ll be weird? Sharing a space?” 

“On my life, I promise to keep your virtue intact,” she deadpans.

Azriel laughs. A deep, deep sound that comes from his belly. It is, quite literally, the most glorious thing Elain ever heard. 

“Thank you,” he says. “This is….I can’t even describe how gracious this is.” 

Elain’s body does not at all respond to this compliment in a tingly, somersault-y, or gushy way. Nope, that rush of happy warmth is probably something else. The sign of early menopause, perhaps. She should see a doctor.

“So it’s a deal?” She sticks out her hand. 

Azriel’s hazel eyes light with something she can’t describe. He reaches out to lace his ruined fingers with hers, every mark and ridge a map to something that Elain feels intent to discover. 

“It’s a deal.”

*** 

Thank you for reading, loves. 

Tagging these baes: @illyrianbeauty, @sunsummoner, @tessas-herondales, @jemma-nessian-and-elriel, @abillionlittlepieces, @tntwme, @rosehallshadowsinger, @maastrash, @julesherondalex, @wolffrising, @stardustsroses, @voiceoftheroses, @katexrenee, @highlady-brittney, @goldbooksblack,  @mariamuses, @alexisnm95, @tswaney17, @rowanismybae, @elide-lochan-salvaterre  @ourbooksuniverse, @cruelwickedthing, @shadowazriel, @a-trifling-matter, @kaliejane26, @wewhohavefailed, @elide-lochan-salvaterre, @empress-ofbloodshed, @lordof-bloodshed, @katshrev, @writer-reader-traveller, @whyyoumakemesadstahp, @captain-timetraveldreamer, @awesomethreedragons, @escapingtheconstrictingboxes, @thenameisjaida-blog, @moonbeammadness,  @leulivy, @fantasy-faes,  @poisonwhiterose, @fucking-winchester-trash, @maddieimhot@ame233, @xinyourdreamsx, @feyaelin-rowsand, @queenofillea1, @rosalesgold, @aelins-fire-queen, @rhysanoodle, @dreamerforever-5, @ben-roll-io, @azrielismycinnamonrollprimary, @hope-unswervingly, @illyriangarbage, @feysand-dot-acotar, @faequeenaelin, @illyrian-bookworm, @propagandaprincess, @musicmaam, @velarian-trash, @theshadowsinger-and-thefawn, @featherymalignancy

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[worldcakecakecake]

On Deutschland and Italia by Lovino Valenti

Lovino writes a series of blog entries on the relationship between Germany and Italy as he deals with a move to Hamburg, his brother’s wedding, and his budding romance (which he denies) to the infuriating Gilbert Beilschmidt.

                                                                Chapter 6

On Deutschland and Italia.

Educational Exchanges.

 I studied in Italy, while my brother did a semester in Germany. We can assure you that in these institutions there is a promotion to study in each other’s countries. There are constantly discussions forums, research on common historical facts, festivals, new ones each week. I was asked many times to guide the German students around Italy, while my brother happily joined whatever excursion offered to Italians to understand more of Germany.

 We offer each other a special kind of comfort, with warm welcomes that could even remind of home. I guess this is why we always go back to being Germany’s number one holiday destination from time to time.

 I’m aghast by the amount of Italians that actually enjoy going to Germany, romanticizing it that perfect holiday destination.

 Sometimes we make it so easy for them and then they make it easy for us, as it is established in my last few blog entries. We give a perfect exchange that I believe it to be fair and just. The offerings are for one to help themselves, and I myself might soon fall into that very welcome.

  “You wanted white, didn’t you?” Lovino heavily questioned.

 “I did, but…I’m afraid that it will put me too much in the ‘bride’ position,” Feliciano wondered, still eyeing the white suits with question.

 “To tell you the truth, white would better suit you than black.” As Feliciano changed between a black and white suit on the mirror before him, he realized that his brother’s words were right.

 “…I don’t want to go with this typical cut though.” Most white suits held it and he didn’t want to be wearing what any other could on such a day. He wanted to be an image that Ludwig could well keep in his head for the rest of their lives.

 “We just have to keep looking. I’m sure they’ll have something,” Lovino smiled and Feliciano felt confidence in it, putting the two suits he held back and getting deeper into the store hoping to find that exactly.

 Lovino, originally was going to use this as a chance to hijack and get Feliciano to choose the ugliest thing possible…but today, he didn’t feel that wish of ruin, instead with happier moods that wanted to help. Compassion and love for his younger brother shined today, over hatreds against matches and Beilschmidts. Indeed it was to be a memorable day for his brother…he didn’t deserve to be wearing something so ridiculous, when he had the composure, shine and beauty to wear the best any seamstress or tailor had. He would be true, he would help him find that suit that would get Ludwig surely drooling that day. Luckily, they had this store alone for them. The tailor was Italian and a good friend of their father, his shop tucked away from the usual toll of city center life. It was such a sweet place with wonders to see, calm, surely with no expectance of another and so Feliciano and Lovino could well spend their day there.

 Lovino heard the ring of entrance, rolling his eyes expecting yet another couple ready to annoyingly fill the air with their own questions and presence. By the sound of the footsteps, it was only one person, and by the nearing this person took, right beside Lovino, it was someone familiar.

 “Ludwig is going in black,” the voice announced, Lovino startled to find Gilbert in his vicinity, smiling with his deep pride as always. For once, Lovino didn’t attack it instantly, only but a small glare before he turned back to the store…wondering where his brother went now.

 “Why should I care?”

 Gilbert shrugged, “maybe you want to help your brother match. Italians worried about fashion and all.”

 “Feliciano can decide whatever the hell he wants. I’ll just make sure he looks good.”

 “Well, I can assure you my Ludwig will have him dropping his mouth,” he decreed sure.

 “Hmph,” Lovino challenged with a smirk, daring, attractive, charming, for a moment Gilbert was swayed. “We’ll see about that.”

 They lay in mellow silence, for once not at all burning and deadly.

 “What are you doing here anyways?” Lovino could utter.

 “To be honest, I was hoping we could do some more tricks.”

 “Not with Feliciano’s wedding suit. He actually deserves to look amazing that day.” This beloved sweetness Gilbert found rather endearing. He grinned at it and for once Lovino didn’t mind it.

 “Then I’m here to offer my help!”

 “You?” There was large insult, Lovino staring him down, judging the very baggy purple hoodie, the red shirt underneath and the tight black jeans, all a disaster in his vision. And he wanted to offer his help looking like that? “Feliciano and I can do well by ourselves,” he was sure.

 “Hear me out! I just went yesterday with Ludwig to get his own suit along with everything else he’ll wear that day. I know how he’ll look.”

 “Come on, actually leave that a surprise for the wedding.”

 “I won’t say anything, I’m just suggesting to help, so Feliciano can match amazingly well with Ludwig.” He had a point that Lovino could understand, but he was still clearly hesitant, needing more words than that. “I know how hard this can get, even my brother needed like three other opinions before he decided on the one he got. I care a lot for Feliciano and I intend to help him look his best as well. Please, just let me join you.”

 It was the plead that had Lovino smiling at him, accepting and decided. “Well, come on then. The more we do something about it, the earlier we can leave.”

 Although indeed surprising, Feliciano happily welcomed Gilbert’s encouragement and so the three settled in diving to the necessary depths of the tailor shop to find the perfect treasured wear. Although it took nearly an hour, they managed a pile of contenders, Gilbert and Lovino going as far as organizing them by numbers. They had Feliciano try every single one of them, at one point hilariously sitting down with notes they made on their phones, shouting and clapping as if this was some high fashion runaway. It eased well Feliciano, who laughed loud and began to enjoy from this instead of the stress it had started as. He turned, he winked, threw kisses and made himself believe a fashion icon and overall, they enjoyed their time.

 And then Feliciano came out in…it. The moment wasn’t a joke, what Lovino and Gilbert held was true impression, and Feliciano…he felt comfortable in it, great, like it was meant to be his, spinning and dancing himself with it for the longest while.

 Yes…he could imagine being held in Ludwig’s arms like this, being his star, his shine. Gilbert and Lovino understood that feeling of being lost in dream and so they let Feliciano in that starry trip.

 They still had a couple of other suits to go through, but they knew well which one was decided, Feliciano holding it dear in his arms when the moment came to choose. There were still some things he wanted to fix from it, so they scheduled another appointment with the tailor to work on it, but they pretty much had something important checked out from their list.

 As celebration, they headed out for a drink, the three spending wonderful company, in chats and laughter that Feliciano did not expect he would share with Gilbert and Lovino together. In their table, there never came a moment where Feliciano had to worry about firing fights that could end in punches. No, it was all an ease, if it ever reached that point, it was playful, only earning mocking hits from Lovino against Gilbert’s shoulder.

 This was another touch to make the day perfect, wonderful. Oh, how he hoped it could grow.

 In that moment Feliciano saw so much potential.

  It was a day much like any other, one the soon to wed couple could relax in, for once not planning anything but just spending a lazy day on their apartment. Feliciano sketched anatomy practice, and Ludwig was checking some things they could do in the Dominican Republic for once they moved there. They lay together in peace, silent, wishing nothing else for the moment.

 “You have to see these beaches in Punta Cana,” Ludwig wanted to show, passing the phone so Feliciano could see such clear blues.

 It was in that exact moment that he received a call, the name showing his boss, which he knew he had to quickly answer to. He apologized to Feliciano and went to the kitchen to properly speak. The usual greetings were exchanged, but in a matter of seconds, it soured, showed in Ludwig’s expression and his insulted, “what?”

 They fought, quick and agitated, many times Ludwig slapping his hand against the counter, firing and holding himself from wording a strong insult. In the hurry the German was spoken in, Feliciano could barely understand it, but from the bits he got, it was bad, bad as in whatever plans they had were about to deeply change bad. When Ludwig hanged up, without a proper goodbye to his superior, he gripped the phone tightly, Feliciano wondering if he was to hurl it against the wall. He let it go so it wouldn’t happen, breathing and turning to sit once again in the couch beside Feliciano, hoping it could do well to quickly calm.

 “What…happened?” Yet Feliciano deeply wondered, sitting up and taking Ludwig’s hand in comfort, ready to hear.

 He sighed, “the company has gone bankrupt.”

 “What?” Feliciano couldn’t understand it. It was doing so fine! Reaching points throughout Europe, Africa and Asia. This deal Ludwig participated in would bring it to the Caribbean, helping the islands prosper with their transportation. “But you were all doing so well! How could this have happened?”

 “My boss didn’t hire the best people to deal with the sales department. Apparently, they were hiding that we weren’t getting any money to start new projects. They have to cut down on a lot to be able to save something of the company. Starting in the Caribbean is now out of the question.” Ludwig groaned and dropped more on the sofa, the news tiring and bringing a weigh to keep him laid. At least he was cuddled still with his beloved.

 “But-but-but…we have already done so much to settle in Santo Domingo!” Feliciano couldn’t sit well on the sofa in turn. “We-we-we’ll, have to cancel everything! And-and settle here!”

 “There’s nothing for me to turn to here in Germany,” Ludwig anguished.

 “What do you mean? They can’t just take you out from your position here!”

 “Feliciano, I was completely settled to go to the Dominican Republic and deal with everything there. They already gave and established my part here to another person.”

 “And they can’t take you back!” Feliciano was indignant for him.

 “Well…they suggested one thing.” Feliciano lay attentive and willing to listen. “They told me, if I’m willing to start a whole new part of the company for me to take control of, they’ll give me all the help I need.” Feliciano thought about it, but was still deeply questioned, wondering how it could affect them. Ludwig could see it well, “but unlike what was planned…I’ll start from zero and probably not get any kind of pay for months while I settle it.” He was already stressing at all the hard work he would have to do, something that Feliciano heavily disliked.

 “I don’t think you should exhaust yourself like that and then struggle so much at our home,” he sighed, turning away, already unsettling for all the damages it would surely bring.

 “It’s either that or doing the same here.” Ludwig was letting it well settle on Feliciano’s decision. He mattered more and he was willing to go wherever he claimed his words on.

 “What about my volunteering?” He reminded. It was well settled, still standing and the other nurses that were to expect him were constantly sending him messages about his arrival.

 “What do you want to do?”

 “I do…want to keep it,” he was honest, yet showing it shy, knowing it just made things more complicated. “But Ludwig…it’s not paid…”

 “What if you gave them a different offer?”

 Feliciano sighed, “this is a low resource hospital.”

 “Feliciano, we can’t just go there without having some money to fall on.”

 They were lost, silenced, caught in a maze, but Feliciano was determined to go through. “I’ll…” he really shouldn’t be demanding anything from such a hospital, but… “see what I can do…I’ll talk to some of the other nurses and see what I can find. If I can’t get anything then…I don’t think we can go anywhere.” It will be breaking and disappointing, but Ludwig agreed to give him that time.

 “It’s also best we don’t tell anyone in the meantime.”

 “Why?” Feliciano thought they could use their families’ help.

 “They’re worried as it is with both of us leaving. Your family doesn’t agree with that and they’re depending on me to take care and even sustain you. There’s also the wedding and…” the stress was strong in Ludwig’s tone.

 Feliciano tried to ease it by taking a gentle hold of his hands. “We’ll figure something out.”

 Ludwig smiled and they went into their embrace, trying to get back to the plan of leisure for the day.

  On Deutschland and Italia.

Representation and Honesty.

 In recent years, with this heavy structure of economy and diplomacy, there hasn’t been much positive representation of Italy’s state in the media abroad.

 Germany, like Italy, has also gone through collapses, corruptions and questionable partnerships that end up costing millions of euros. But, the Germans managed to isolate all these situations, managing to keep an image of honesty and rigor, and so they are still seen as our current heroic European leader.

 I really cannot defend Italy, as most of the time, the things they mention are tragically true. Yet sometimes Italians do try, from those in the homeland to those even in Germany or other countries. We form protests, we stand with our culture at the threat of trying to make us more like Germany. We speak out and try to defend how we can, but no matter how we do it, word, especially by the Germans, would be written against us saying that whatever is useless and will never be as helpful as we think.

 I detest how sometimes these articles just go on and on with our faults and stir away from the main issue they were speaking on.

 Not all Germans have this mindset, luckily, and you know what, there are Italians who prove to be just what the image abroad wants us to be. But in my situation, it is not the case.

 I’ll admit, the Valenti and the Beilschmidts share a wonderful friendship and love that stand against these images, and I admit that the Beilschmidts will never ever do such a thing as to lie and tarnish us. And despite my personal opinions on the Beilschmidts, we would never betray or misuse of their trust.

 It’s being well put in the line with my brother’s marriage to Ludwig, who both, more than anyone, would have to prove and be these very qualities that describe the family’s relationship. No uncertainties, no doubts and no lies.

 We’re putting out a lot, but a lot of trust on them to know that they will take care of each other well.

  “I actually really like the theme you chose,” Lovino admitted as he looked through the file on Feliciano’s tablet, admiring the golds, the pristine white fabrics and the brazen ornaments that gave it power and elegance. Feliciano didn’t answer, his glance on a large spiraled sponge cake, coated with red sprinkles, pink and white frosting, and of course, wonderful strawberries. He was drooling and trying to lean more, Lovino knowing he was fighting an inner battle to not eat it all in one gulp. But he was not doing this, he was just staring at it…quite blindly.

 “Hey! Did you listen to me?” He had to shout, for Feliciano to shake and finally put his head on something else.

 “Oh…so you really think it’s fine?” He smiled true like nothing happened.

 “Are you all right?”

 “Ye-yes, I-I’m fine, perfectly fine!”

 And Lovino knew something really wasn’t. “Mhm…” clear unbelief.

 “Yes, yes…everything is fine. Please don’t’ worry and let us actually…decide on a cake.” And now he could notice the cake he was spacing out into earlier. “Oh, this one looks great!”

 “I don’t think it will match with the theme though.”

 “Yeah, but it still looks cute.”

 “Let’s focus on getting something that doesn’t look like were taking it to a kid’s slumber party.” Lovino stood and motioned Feliciano to a part of the bakery shop filled with more pristine cakes, shinning in bronze and gold, artistic flowers and seeming encrusted with jewelry when it was really frosting. They were all so gorgeous, Feliciano enamoring with every single one, making the decision harder.

 “Oh, I can’t do this!” He looked strained as if he took a hardened headache.

 “It’s just a cake. You just need three colors and if anything we can ask the baker to make us something new.”

 “Okay, okay, but first we need some sort of idea.”

 “Tall! Really tall! As in, touching the ceiling tall!” In came crashing Gilbert, wrapping an arm around each’s shoulder in greeting.

 “Gilbert! Oh great, thanks for coming! We need all the help!” Feliciano lunged himself forward and took him in a tight and suffocating embrace, Gilbert tripping and losing his breath. For some reason, it drove Lovino nuts more so than usual, pulling Feliciano out rather harshly.

 “Hey! Don’t swarm him like that! Feli, remember that you’re getting married.” Lovino was clearly annoyed.

 “What…what was wrong? And I know I’m getting married, why do you think we’re here?”

 “Don’t worry about it, Feli, he just got a little jealous is all.”

 Feliciano chuckled while Lovino raged. “I did not!”

 “He was Mad! Couldn’t stand us just hugging!” Gilbert dramatized.

 “Oh, Lovino, don’t worry! I just needed comfort.”

 “I wasn’t! I was just…I was just…” he truly did not understand.

 “Don’t you worry, my gorgeous little…” and Gilbert plucked a strawberry from one of the cakes, stuffing it in Lovino’s mouth, a smirk and a near with a shadow that Lovino hoped was enough to cover the flush he grew. “Erdbeere. I’m all yours.” He was near to eating a piece from the fruit Lovino still held in his mouth, but he instead spit it out, hitting Gilbert straight in the eye.

 “Oh hell no!”

 Feliciano laughed and Gilbert tried to do so between the pain, trying to rid of whatever juice got in.

 “I hope you gentlemen have made your decision and are intending to buy this cake,” came the figure towards them, scolding and meaning business as she pointed to the near rose cake Gilbert just took the fruit from. It was too pink for the party.

 “Kandake!” Feliciano distracted, jumping and embracing, breaking her from this business and professionalism when she was a dear friend, one meant to even go to the wedding.

 “Feliciano…we are meant to discuss this seriously,” yet she smiled and was near to jumping in excitement herself.

 “Come on! We can have some fun and I could use some more help. Do you have something you’re sure me and Ludwig will like?” He took her hands like a plead.

 “I narrowed it down to three choices to make it easier,” she winked, “but I know one of them will be the true one.”

 “Then let’s go see them!”

 “The sketches are in my office,” she led for him to come. “You two can stay here and see if there’s anything else you need,” she smiled as she headed behind Feliciano, both the men left perplexed and confused as to what to do.

 “I’ll see if they have some other thing here.” Lovino went on to inspect, landing and leaning to an underwater sea themed one, beautiful, but surely not all to go with Feliciano’s wedding.

 “What else is there to get? We just need one cake.” Gilbert found comfort in nearing to Lovino, leaning next to him and Lovino smiled, not glaring or tensing at his vicinity.

 “We might need other sweets. Maybe Feliciano wants cupcakes, cookies and macaroons too.”

 “Isn’t your family already gonna cook?”

 “Yeah, so?”

 “Are you going to spend the entire ceremony stuffing us?”

 “Yeah, that’s the typical Italian wedding for you.”

 Gilbert chuckled, “I thought you were doing it because you wanted Feliciano to use more money on the wedding.”

 “No, I just know Feliciano would want it. He’s into that sort of thing.”

 “No sabotaging.”

 “I don’t want to ruin something that I’ll end up eating, anyways.” He thought that much ahead.

 “Good call, but I mean, we could just do something to one of them and really ruin it for someone else.”

 “Not Feliciano.”

 “Nor Ludwig… How about my cousin Berwald?”

 Lovino laughed, already imagining a great turning of expression on that man’s rather constant sterile face. “We’re definitely doing that!”

 “We have to plan it out well though.”

 “We’ll figure something out,” Lovino shrugged, holding still to a smile that Gilbert couldn’t help but keep his gaze on. But before Lovino could notice it, he had to omit more words as to distract his stare…as well as keep that grin.

 “Just Berwald?”

 “Yeah, we don’t need to make a bigger deal out of it. Despite everything I really think…Feliciano should enjoy that day.”

 “I’ve been thinking the same about Ludwig…”

 “Yeah…”

 “What was the point of even trying to ruin it?”

 “I guess to…make them grow apart so we wouldn’t have to…deal more with each other.” Any other time and they would have been proud to admit that, but now it was just beginning to look useless when something was opening up between them…and when they knew that their brothers were so happy with each other, seeing it much strongly as they awaited the day.

 “We should get a cake for ourselves,” Gilbert recommended to keep from harsh thoughts.

 Lovino laughed so lovingly again, “for what?”

 “For no other reason than to just buy and eat a damn cake! Come on, we can come over to my place and stuff each other.”

 Lovino raised an eyebrow, a new look in his eyes that made fires, “just of cake?”

 Gilbert stunned, the fire heating him and leaving his tongue burned away from answers. But he couldn’t scorch, he grinned himself, coming nearer, helping better the flame. “Do you have any other suggestions?” Gilbert was near enough to spot the difference patches of gold and olive in Lovino’s eyes, tempted to lay his head against his curls.

 “I don’t know…what can you offer?” And Lovino played, a lithe finger spreading only in the fabric of Gilbert’s sweater. It wasn’t even truly touching him and yet Gilbert felt in it a calling that moved his body closer, Lovino accepting that touch of their legs, the temptation in his eyes hinting at an intertwine.

 “Um…plates, drinks, TV,” he shrugged, “my couch…my bed.”

 “Your…bed?”

 That smile had Gilbert at an edge he was happy to fall over. “Ye-yeah, my bed, I-I mean we could e-eat cake there, and uh…watch some TV, uh…I don’t know.” He was such a fool.

 “I can think of a couple of other things.”

 “Oh, do tell.” Eagerness even shone on his teeth, teeth Lovino wanted against him and he was close to simply pulling it forward, but he kept only the simple caress of his finger.

 “Dimmed lighting.”

 “Mhm.”

 “Dancing and music…” whispered in such a melody.

 “…ja.”

 “Close to you…”

 “Uhu…” Gilbert was nearing his arms around him, ready to make those words instant.

 “You and me-”

 “I got the cake!” Feliciano came like a storm into the room, washing away everything, his lightning being the picture he held high in his hand. It made Gilbert and Lovino notice, stuck under a spotlight that they did well to run away from, coming close to distract, looking at this cake that should be worth the washing away of this sudden passion.

 It was rather simple, in white and cream with roses and glitters of gold. Gilbert and Lovino were honestly in awe.

 “Isn’t it wonderful?” Feliciano excited.

 “It’s perfect.”

 “And not excessive.”

 “Yes! I just have to show it to Ludwig already! Come on, come on, we have to go now!”

 “Don’t you have to place the order?”

 “Already did!” Feliciano was off the door before he could notice the chuckle the elder brothers exchanged, stars in both their eyes and smiles that wished could say more.

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[officerofcybertron]

Headcanons 1: Matrix

Is Ultra Magnus worthy to carry the Matrix of Leadership?

The short answer to this question is: Yes, but he doesn’t want it or need it, and it’s complicated.

The origins to this question naturally date back to the original G1 movie; when Ultra Magnus was introduced, chosen by Optimus Prime to become the new Autobot leader, and then… didn’t. It was never really covered as to why that was. Instead Hot Rod was the token ‘chosen one’ character, and the explanation was left at that. The Matrix didn’t choose Ultra Magnus.

Ultra Magnus explains to Optimus when he’s given the Matrix he’s ‘just a soldier’, but is this really the only reason there is? He’s just not ‘leadership material’?

We can all agree that G1 is a national treasure and that the plot points do not make that much sense in many regards. Rodimus Prime showed up in the movie, awe-inspiring, powerful, and confident, but then in the following cartoon show it became a running joke that he would learn a ‘valuable lesson’ in leadership, either from Ultra Magnus himself, or from other members of the team when they corrected him on his actions, and then be right back to behaving like a child in the next episode while Ultra Magnus essentially led the Autobots in all but name.

So; what does this have to do with Transformers Prime? The character of Ultra Magnus is fairly changed. G1 Ultra Magnus was a lot more relaxed, not quite so rule-obsessed, and had an understanding of what it meant to be a family. He was also known to laugh, and act as a guardian figure for Daniel.

Conversely Ultra Magnus in Prime is the very definition of ‘strict’. I like to think that if you were to look the word up in a Cybertronian dictionary, Ultra Magnus’ picture would probably be listed under the word as an example. He’s a stranger to the family environment, and it is likely that jokes roll right off his armor plating.

The answer is rather obvious, although a bit too simple: they’re both soldiers who’ve never been comfortable playing the ‘leading role’. Not because they aren’t good at it, but because it’s not something they’ve ever wanted. Instead, working as Second in Command, while still giving them the ability to direct their troops, and help their soldiers, still gives them the ability to defer to another authority.

But more importantly: Ultra Magnus does not want the Matrix.

I think the Matrix knows this, and therefore does not choose Ultra Magnus.

Not because Ultra Magnus is not worthy. He’s definitely worthy. Rather the Matrix, being what it is, I think can see into the spark of a Cybertronian presented to it and it can see this quietly hidden truth. A truth that, maybe, Ultra Magnus never spoke of to Optimus Prime. That he’s uncomfortable with being set up to be the next Prime. That he doesn’t want to be a Prime.

Obviously, this is in the case of the G1 cartoon, but I think this same aspect could be applied if ever Ultra Magnus from Transformers Prime were to be offered the Matrix.

On top of this, let’s be frank: Ultra Magnus doesn’t need the Matrix.

I know in Prime he was shown to have issues with leading Team Prime, but I also take a lot of my Ultra Magnus from the prequel novels, and in the prequel novels he was a bad-ass leader. Confident in his soldiers, and described as ‘daring, strategically ingenious, and courageous to the point of recklessness’ by Alpha Trion.

It’s honestly a huge curiosity of mine what would have happened had Ultra Magnus and Starscream gone head to head in a real battle. The two of them were never pitted against one another, but I have a feeling a fight between the two of them very easily could have decided the fate of the war.

Why? Because when Optimus and Megatron fight one another, almost nothing else exists around them. So, on a quick tangent imagine that happening. Optimus, with Ultra Magnus, and Megatron with Starscream, go into a full-on head-to-head battle. Optimus and Megatron almost immediately size one another up, because there’s no one else who’s going to take on their opposite number. That leaves Ultra Magnus and Starscream to direct the rest of the battle.

Imagine, just for a moment, how ridiculously amazing that would be story-wise. I honestly couldn’t tell you who would win. Starscream and his Seekers would have air superiority, but Ultra Magnus and his wreckers are bat-shit crazy and not afraid to fight dirtier than any other Autobot as long as it gets the job done.

Back onto the topic at hand: Ultra Magnus’ Wreckers followed him into the battle of Fort Scyk and then when Optimus and the rest of the Autobot forces intended to flee Cybertron on board the Ark they remained with Ultra Magnus to hold back Trypticon and to try to keep an Autobot presence on Cybertron.

They fought with him against unbelievable odds. Against Shockwave and his abominations. Facing death every time they went out and knowing that the next mission would always be a suicide mission.

You don’t do all that and not have faith, feel loyalty, for the person leading you.

Ultra Magnus doesn’t need the Matrix to be a great leader. He old enough that he has the experience; has the compassion needed. He’s capable..

Would he have accepted the Matrix if Optimus had died and passed it onto him? Yes, but I don’t think he would accept it as the next Prime. He would accept it for safe keeping. Knowing that the next Prime wouldn’t be him. He would accept it because it was expected of him and it was his responsibility.

Which is why I actually enjoyed the ending of Predacon’s Rising where Opitmus took the Matrix out of the equation.

If Transformers Prime had gotten a proper sequel, and not the disaster that 2015 RID offered us, it would have been amazing to see how Team Prime evolved in the absence of a sacred relic which bestows the right to lead. By removing the Matrix as the be-all-end-all, it would have allowed someone – like Ultra Magnus – to step up into that leadership position and help Cybertron flourish.

And I truly do believe it would have been Ultra Magnus who stepped up. Not because I feel Bumblebee or Smokescreen are incapable of being leaders. They both have leadership qualities. As does Arcee, and even Bulkhead. Rather I feel it would be because of Ultra Magnus’ already extensive experience, and service record, that would catapult him up to the most likely leader going forward.

I realize that people may disagree with me, and that’s totally fair. Until I started really looking into Ultra Magnus myself, about the same time I started this blog, I didn’t have a very high opinion of him, but the more I read, the more I thought, I realized that there was so much untapped potential here.

Ultra Magnus is a mech, an Autobot, who should be proud of what he’s accomplished and he is most certainly worthy of being a Prime, but the part about his character that I love the most?

He doesn’t need to be a Prime to be a Leader.

He doesn’t need the Matrix.

And it’s better that way.

[luxury-loki]

Infinity War chat: Part 1

The time has come.

I’m sorry this is so long, please don’t unfollow, just scroll past and pretend it doesn't exist if you don't wanna read it lol.

Let’s talk about it. 

I thought it was truly incredible. Never left a cinema feeling the way I did after that film. So many emotions all in one go and I can't even begin to explain it properly but I'll try anyway.

PLEASE READ:

I reckon I'll sort each part by theme, one part going up each day. I think there will be 2 parts:

character developments

Storylines/plot events

Part one: Characters

I won't be going over all of them, just the few who really touched me. I may cover some important character development in part 2 tomorrow when I discuss story lines.

Loki

“You will never be a god.”

I know this is the one you're probably most interested in as he is the main focus of my blog so I'll start here.

I expected it. I had time to prepare myself and so although it was extremely sad, and obviously I am heartbroken at the loss of my favourite character, I did see his death coming, which I am extremely glad about. When writing this post I have seen the film twice, and I cried more at his death the second time because I think the first time I had less of a chance to fully process it for how mental the rest of the film was. 

I am so unbelievably pleased and relieved that he had a hero's death. He died trying to kill Thanos in order to protect his brother which is so incredible, and I loved the call back to the line “we have a hulk” which Stark uses on him in the first Avengers film. The fact he refers to himself as son of odin, and looks at Thor as he says it was truly incredible, it was showing his character has completed his character arc, accepting that he is both the rightful heir of Jotunheim and the prince of Asgard, he doesn't need to belong to just one place. His last line “you’ll never be a god” was also extremely touching, showing he always felt immense pride in being raised as a prince on Asgard, and being raised to be a ‘god’. 

Thor’s last moment with him, when he hugs his body and just cries out Loki’s name BROKE me. Such an incredibly touching moment.

I do truly believe he is dead, and I am inclined to agree with Thanos, “no resurrections this time”. He was an incredible character, and I do look forward to seeing him in the time jumps/flashbacks in avengers 4.

RIP Loki, you will be missed.

Thor

“What more could I lose?” 

I can't not talk about Thor. He stole the show. Both the character and Hemsworth.

Chris did and INCREDIBLE job at portraying this broken Thor that we have never seen before. The God of Thunder was completely stripped of everything he loved from the very beginning. Having just lost his father, and before that his mother, he had lost the life of half the Asgardians who he now ruled, and worst of all, had lost his brother. His brother who died infront of him, attempting to save his life, whilst he was completely helpless. His brother whom he’d grown up with, fought against, fought with, lost before, and now lost again.

It is very clear that vengeance, and pure hatred over Thanos has overtaken Thor. He no longer cares what happens, as long as he can defeat Thanos. He has completely given up, most likely believing that everything he’ll ever love will be brutally taken away from him as all else in his life has, meaning he no longer has anything stopping him from doing whatever he can to end Thanos’ his life. He takes this adventure to craft his new weapon, and then makes the most incredible entrance to a scene you’ll ever see. 

Even amongst all the hurt and pain he is drowning in, he still makes room for some light hearted, if slightly sad, humour. Commenting on family difficulties and the incredible line to Cap: “I see you’re copying me with the beard!” as just a few examples.

Thor is very much, for now, a Lone Ranger. although he has The Avengers, it’s very clear that at the moment he is feeling like the weight of he world rests on his shoulders alone, and I think it is a lot for him to handle. I hope he uses his anger and grief positively in the next film too, and I can’t wait to find out what he will do next. Thor’s entire character arc across all the films is so unbelievably impressive, and if we have to see him die, I will definitely be extremely upset. 

I reckon lots of people will leave Infinity war with a huge increase of love for this character, he has really proven himself as one of the strongest, most caring, and bravest Avengers yet. We started with Thor as this egotistical, over-emotional warrior, who was too childish to truly understand the effects of his actions, but we stand here now with a character who was able to look Gamora in the eye, the daughter of a guy who had murdered his brother, and forgive her. Now that is character development.

Banner

“Oh screw you, you big green asshole! I’ll have to do It myself.”

Anyone who knows me IRL will know I am a huge Mark Ruffalo stan. He is both an amazing person and a talented actor, and I was SO HAPPY to see Banner shine through in this film. Not Hulk, Banner.

This whole concept of Hulk being around for two years meant he’s learnt a few tricks, and when he doesn't want to come out, he won't. This gave Banner the perfect platform to prove himself. He showed he was strong, and brave without the hulk. He stepped forward to try and help even if it was scaring, going into battle as himself for the first time must have taken a lot of guts and I am SO proud of him. I am so glad after all these years Ruffalo has finally been able to show what this shy, adorable, strong, and intelligent scientist is really made of.

I really hope his character in Infinity War will make more people appreciate Bruce Banner in his own right, not just as Hulk. He is often overlooked I feel, but personally is one of my favourite MCU characters, and has given us some of the most touching moments across the MCU such as: his relationship with Natasha, his new friendship with Thor, and the sad secret he keeps about once trying to kill himself.

GO BANNER! You are truly an adorable gem, and I want to see more of him over coming his anxieties in the next film, and definitely more of his relationship with Nat.

I think over all the impressive thing is that Hulk wouldn’t come out because he was scared. He had been beaten up by Thanos once and no longer wanted to face him. This is completely different in Banner. Banner saw his friends being beaten and saw the danger that was coming, and instead of shying away, he stood up to it and fought with all he could give. He isn’t necessarily physically strong, but I’ll be damned if he isn’t one of the toughest emotionally.

Star Lord and Gamora

“I love you more than anything.”

These two come as a pair, and what we learnt about their relationship, and how it came to an end, was so unbelievably touching and incredibly heart breaking.

The moment they share when Gamora persuades Quill to promise to kill her was so sad. You would only ever ask that of someone you truly love, someone you know who will always do whatever they can to support you, someone who truly loves you. Their relationship has been well built, and constructed, and I felt was one I truly had gone the journey with, from start to end. When the two say they love each other I shed a tear, I had no clue that it would be the last time they spoke, and it still made me cry.

Thanos pushed Quill. He pushed him and pushed him until he broke and pulled the trigger on Gamora. Although it did not kill her due to reality tricks, the mental effect that would have on a person is astonishing, and Quill has already gone through so much. The anger he oozes when he discovers her death too is so raw and emotional, ruining the plan he had so carefully constructed from pure rage over the loss of his soul mate was torturing to watch. 

Gamora’s backstory was very sad too, discovering how she was manipulated as a child was disgusting, and to have her life ended by the one who had ruined her childhood filled me with such rage. I never thought marvel would kill her off as she was so strong and brave in the other films, but we saw a far more emotional version of her here, especially when she cried over Thanos when she first thought she’d murdered him. Showing she still felt compassion for this being who had utterly destroyed her life, made me feel so much sympathy for Gamora, and I will miss her strong female presence immensely. RIP G x

Vision and Wanda 

“I just feel you.”

I can't even think about these two without wanting to cry. Their whole relationship was squeezed into this film, yet felt like one I had been following for years. The love they feel for one another is immensely clear, and the connection they both have over the mind stone makes their bond even stronger. 

The fact Wanda had to murder Vision in the desperate hope of stopping Thanos, only to have time reversed to witness him die again but with no positives was agonising. Both Bettany and Olsen acted beautifully, conveying the pain each was feeling so well that it practically oozed out of the screen. That last moment before his death when Visions tells her he loves her had me sobbing, and I think “I just feel you” will go down as one of the most meaningful lines in MCU history.

I have such a new love for these two characters which previously I had not cared for all that much. Their relationship is definitely one of, if not the favourite, of mine in the whole MCU, and if they both don’t return in Avengers 4, catch me throwing myself off a bridge shortly after.

Thanos and The Black Order (last one)

Rest of this has been a bit emotional hasn't it Jesus. I’ll end on a less sad one.

“Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.”

Thanos was an INCREDIBLE villain. This whole concept of him being so horrifically evil, yet also truly believing what he was doing was good, made his character so complex. He believed he was saving half of humanity which was doomed to otherwise fall. We can probably safely assume he is wrong, and that there are other ways to accomplish this, but deciding if his intentions are truly bad or good is difficult. When we see him crying for Gamora it is extremely unsettling. This mad titan, who has done so much to make us hate him and feel no sympathy for, now stands before us, weeping for someone he loves, just like many characters before him have done. He is so tough, yet also clearly so broken and desperate. I do hate hm, I truly do, but I am seriously impressed by the level of complexity his character has developed in just a single film.

“Rejoice, for you are about to die at the hands of the children of Thanos.”

E B O N Y  M A W. Only gonna talk about him from TBO cus this post is proper long and he’s the only one who really jumped out at me.

I won't lie, I am kind of sad he died! He was so chilling, and not to mention extremely powerful. This whole concept of believing it was a blessing to die for Thanos, and his speech in many scenes, including on the New York street, on the Asgardian’s ship, and on Gamora’s planet gave such a dark atmosphere to the scenes, and really emphasised Thanos’ powerful character. The Russo Brothers stated he would be a fan favourite in an interview and I completely agree. A truly chilling character.

Thanks for reading! if you made it to the end come back tomorrow at 5pm for part 2 and make sure to comment and like x

Thanks,

Lara x

[the-desolated-quill]

Time Heist - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Oh God, Stephen Thompson is writing this. No. Worse. Stephen Thompson and Steven Moffat are writing this! Heaven preserve us!

Well everyone can relax. Time Heist isn’t as bad as The Curse Of The Black Spot or Journey To The Centre Of The TARDIS. In fact Time Heist is actually surprisingly good. Well... it’s good up to a point, but we’ll come to that.

It’s a great premise. The Doctor and Clara are joined by augmented human Psi and shapeshifter Saibra to rob the bank of Karabraxos. The most secure bank in the galaxy. It’s a brilliant opening with some proper sci-fi in it. (I particularly like the little detail of using your breath to open code locked doors). And then there’s of course the Teller. LOVE it! It’s a great design for one thing and its powers are incredibly scary. It can sense your guilt and turn your brain into soup. Very creepy, although sadly undermined by the image of those people with their heads flattened. Ms Delphox puts them on display as a warning, but all it did was just make me snigger. Come on, you have to admit they do look just a little bit silly.

I also really like Ms Delphox, played by Keeley Hawes. While she does unfortunately get saddled with Moffat’s dominatrix dialogue and persona just like all of Moffat’s other female characters do, Hawes does such a good job in the role and really makes the part her own. She has such an authoritative presence on screen and is clearly having a lot of fun in the role. I particularly like how Delphox isn’t just evil for the sake of being evil. Due to the bank’s ultra strict security system and protocols, if Delphox fails to catch the robbers, she will be incinerated by her boss. It’s something different, which is nice.

Time Heist has a really good pace, Everything zips along very nicely and I was glued to the screen for the most part. I also really liked the characterisation. Top of the class is of course Peter Capaldi. He’s absolutely brilliant in this episode, capturing the Doctor at his very essence. Despite the fact Psi and Saibra know absolutely nothing about him and have no reason to trust him or take orders from him, the Doctor is able to take charge using the sheer force of his intellect and personality. Peter Capaldi is the Doctor. I also loved the scene where he rebukes Psi for accusing him of being cold and emotionless about Saibra’s ‘death.’ The Doctor has always been one to prioritise the job at hand over mourning the loss of someone, but this Doctor really doesn’t wish to be bogged down in sentimentality. Nine and Ten often express their grief with a brief sorry before moving on, whereas Twelve seems to prefer to keep it all to himself and just get on with things. He may seem uncaring, but his face when he’s walking away from Psi speaks volumes. He does care very deeply. He just doesn’t want to express it. The other characters are good as well. Out of the two I think I like Psi more. Johnathan Bailey does a really good job in the role and I like his motive for breaking into the bank. Wanting to reclaim the lost memories of his friends and family. And the scene where he sacrifices himself to save Clara was very effective. Saibra was good too and Pippa Bennett-Warner gives a good performance, but her motivation is a bit weak. Okay, I get the whole thing about shapeshifting every time she touches someone, but what’s the deal with this line:

“How could you trust someone who looked back at you out of your own eyes?”

Wha... What does that mean exactly? It sounds like typical pretentious Moffat bullshit to me.

Also Clara is pointless. Seriously, why is she even here? What role does she play? The Doctor is clearly the leader (and secretly the Architect). Psi is the hacker. Saibra is the shapeshifter. What’s Clara’s role? She’s not even the Doctor’s moral compass like in Into The Dalek. She’s basically just tagging along for the ride. If there was ever an episode that perfectly demonstrated how utterly useless and one dimensional Clara really is, it’s this one.

Yeah, I suppose I can’t put this off any longer. While there are large portions of Time Heist I did enjoy, a lot of the episode is sadly hampered by Moffat and Thompson’s usual sloppiness. Since we’ve just been talking about the characters, let’s talk about the ‘exit strategy.’ Presumably a way for the characters to painlessly kill themselves should the Teller discover them. A very dark idea, but also a completely ineffectual one thanks to its execution. If you’ve seen any sci-fi ever, you’ll know what a teleport looks like, and the fact that the effect we see when Saibra and Psi use the shredders look suspiciously like teleports does negatively impact the tragedy of their ‘death’ scenes because, in the back of your head, you’re wondering where they’ve gone off too and when they’ll be coming back. But even if you didn’t pick up on that, it still doesn’t work because their surprise return effectively undermines their sad and touching deaths in order for Moffat to pull a ‘gotcha’ moment.

Then there’s the Architect. Who here honestly thought he wasn’t the Doctor? It’s such a painfully obvious twist. He’s a time traveller, like the Doctor. He has access to memory worms, like the Doctor. They even chuck in a massive clunker of a clue by having the Doctor outright state he hates the Architect. Since when has the Doctor ever said that about anyone? He can’t even admit he hates the Daleks for fuck sake. The only possible person he could be referring to is himself, at which point you soon realise that this episode isn’t about a bank heist at all. It’s yet another episode that’s all about the Doctor, this time about his self loathing and manipulative tendencies. And it actually reduces the stories of Psi, Saibra and the Teller because you realise that the only purpose they serve is to shine a light on the Doctor. Loneliness bad, companionship good. This is the fifth story in a row that has focused exclusively on the Doctor. Anymore and the show is seriously at risk of disappearing up its own vortex. Why can’t the episode have just been about the Doctor breaking into a bank and saving Mr and Mrs Teller? I like that idea. It’s something different and it’s a very Doctorly motivation for breaking into a bank. Why does everything have to be so inwardly focused nowadays? I don’t mind the odd episode that explores the Doctor’s character (provided it’s done well), but this is taking the piss.

And then there’s all the plot contrivances. For the most secure bank in the galaxy, its security is unbelievably shit. Putting aside the almost comically oversized vents that anyone can comfortably crawl through, how come the guards seem to be searching for the intruders everywhere but near the fucking Vault where the valuables are kept? You’d think Delphox would post a couple at the door or something just in case. And what about the scene where the Doctor and Clara are captured? Before Delphox set the Teller on a random person that was just guilty for a crime he was about to commit. But with the Doctor and Clara, Delphox decides to take the Teller away for a little nap and let the guards deal with them instead. Why? But what really spoils Time Heist completely are the two gaping plot holes at the centre of the narrative. 

The first is the solar storm. This is the only time the bank is vulnerable, but it’s also the only time the TARDIS can’t land. Well... why don’t you just land the TARDIS at a time when there isn’t a solar storm? The Doctor said it himself at the beginning. Robbing a bank is easy if you’ve got a TARDIS. In fact I’m assuming that was how he planted all the briefcases. If he could do that, why not just materialise the TARDIS right inside the Private Vault, grab Mr and Mrs Teller and go? You wouldn’t even need to bother with the memory worms. The second plot hole is Madame Karabraxos (also played by Keeley Hawes). So what sets all of this in motion is a dying Karabraxos from the future phoning the Doctor and begging him to save the Tellers. The entire plot hinges on the Doctor giving her his phone number and then just hoping she’ll miraculously grow a conscience and realise what a horrible, selfish bitch she was when she has no reason to. (yes i know there’s the whole self loathing thing with the clones, but that’s really not good enough. It also doesn’t make any sense. if you hate yourself so much, why would you create clones of yourself in the first place?) It’s also completely reliant on Karabraxos not losing the phone number, except why in God’s name would she keep it? At this moment in time, she has no reason to take the Doctor seriously yet and clearly has no interest in redemption just yet, so why hang on to the phone number? It’s absolute nonsense.

Like I said, there are a few things about Time Heist I liked and I did enjoy it to a point, but what ultimately holds it back from greatness is Thompson’s usual ineptness when it comes to basic storytelling as well as Moffat once again putting more effort into trying to outsmart the audience and prove how clever he is rather than writing something that’s actually satisfying and worthwhile. Overall, good idea, but sloppy execution.

[thewollfgang]

Just found your blog - really awesome! For the prompt thingy, if that´s still open, how about 5 “Do you think we’re bad people?”? Have a great day!

hello there! and oh my gosh thats so sweet of you to say! Welcome to this trash fire of a blog XD this probably wasn’t what you wanted, so i apologize in advance for that lol - thanks for being so patient as i work on these last few prompts  ♡

Maze watches Chloe extend compassion to another human who is splotchy and red faced. It’s eyes are leaking. Maze crinkles her nose in distaste and glances over at Lucifer who is studying the interaction with curiosity and mild confusion. 

“Do you think we’re bad people?” Maze asks, idly running her tongue across teeth that never feel sharp enough.

Lucifer snorts. “We’re hardly people.”

Maze scoffs a laugh. “Isn’t that the truth.” 

Lucifer raises a dark brow. “Why exactly have you graced us with your presence, Mazikeen?” 

Maze grunts and jerks her head. “Brought in a bounty.” A large, sweaty man sitting cuffed in a chair flinches when they gaze over at him.

“Lovely.” Lucifer says, a mix of proud and dry. He looks back at Maze and falters, unused to speaking with her as a friend. “And how is work going?”

She stares at him with hard, wary eyes before accepting his interest as genuine. “It’s going well. Hunting humans comes naturally.” She glances at him coyly. “For both of us, it seems.”

Lucifer hums, unsurprised. “You are made in my image, Mazikeen. I suppose we should have considered an occupation in a similar field for you sooner.” 

“It does stave off the boredom.” Maze grins, sharp and cruel. Lucifer sways towards it, old habit. “And the fear in their eyes when they realize they’re caught.” she continues, almost rapturous.

“The smell of it.” Lucifer murmurs, caught up.

“Yes.” Maze breathes, soaking in the heat radiating from him.

“Am I interrupting something?” Chloe asks, irritation clear on her face.

“Not at all, darling.” Lucifer replies, angling towards her. “Maze and I were simply discussing the delicious sensation -” Chloe begins to object “- of catching the bad guy.”

“Oh.” Chloe blinks. 

“You wouldn’t know about that, would you, Decker?” Maze replies, her jaw challenging.

“Maze.” Lucifer says, mildly disapproving. “You underestimate our dear Detective. You can’t honestly believe she does this job solely out of the goodness of her heart?”

They both turn and look at Chloe expectantly. Chloe stares back, looking caught. “I -” she hesitates and both Maze and Lucifer lean in. They’re both grinning at her encouragingly, Lucifer’s expression a shade off from his desire shtick. Chloe is helpless to resist. She crumples. “Okay, yes.” she admits. “I like the feeling of catching the bad guy.”

“Go on.” Lucifer prompts. Both he and Maze are looking at her like mischievous little kids.  

“I like the look on their faces.” Chloe confides guiltily. “All wide eyed shock that someone outsmarted them.” At their continued expectancy she adds honestly, “That I outsmarted them.”

“Well done, Detective.” Lucifer praises and Chloe’s cheeks warm. 

Maze gives her a considering, approving look. “There’s more to you than I thought, Decker.” and pushes her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

“Thanks.” Chloe says sarcastically, but they can tell she somehow means it anyway.

[gmarytherese]

Seasons of Life (22.11)

Facebook reminded me this morning that it has been a year since I posted about my fairy tale love story, a year since I decided to openly share about discerning my vocation and figuring out the path that God has willed for me. There was a lot of apprehension then as I contemplated if I should really share something so private and personal, and yet I have noticed that perhaps there is a grace in being able to cross the barrier in sharing vulnerably and openly with others.

As Stephen Wise once said,

“An unshared life is not living. He who shares does not lessen, but greatens, his life.”

The greatest fear I had in sharing about the decision to discern a religious vocation, was that I end up not becoming a religious. I didn’t want to be one of those individuals that people in church talk about; I didn’t want to be one of “those people” who say that they are discerning, but very quickly end up in relationships. I also didn’t want to be one of those who others say “Oh she must have just said that she’s discerning as an excuse for her singlehood and to buy time while waiting for the right guy to appear.”

This fear of judgement by others, and the fear of being wrong has always been a huge stumbling block for me not only in my spiritual life, but in all areas of my life. Funnily enough, I had to face these fears head on as my life seemed to spiral out of my control as the year went on.

Anyway, as unsure as I was about what the future had in store for me when I wrote the post last year, I sure wasn’t expecting to go through what I have gone through. It was a year of a lot of struggles, hurts, darkness and confusion; and yet, it was also a year of tremendous growth and only recently, clarity. The silver lining.

Someone recently told me that when we ask God to grant us humility, he gives us moments of humiliations; when we ask for a bigger heart to love, He places someone difficult to love in our lives. Although this may not always be true, it resonated with me as I look back on this year. I had asked God for clarity about my path in life, and instead, found my vision increasingly blurred as time went on.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

So, despite proclaiming to the world (or whoever reads my post) that Jesus has invited me to discern a religious vocation last year, I found my conviction slowly dying over time. Within a few weeks of posting that blog post, a guy who I knew by face and name from my school days popped back into my life.

[[ SEASON I ]]

He wasn’t just “any guy”, he was the guy that I had always felt was an ideal guy to be with. He was intelligent, down to earth, family oriented and most of all, God fearing. We went out and hit it off instantly - there was attraction and on the surface, it seemed like we were a perfect match for each other.

“Now… wait, aren’t I supposed to be discerning religious vocation! Why did my ideal guy just enter my life NOW? Why couldn’t he have entered my life before I felt that God might be calling me to religious life?? But, God must have played a hand in bringing us together so randomly, and also in allowing us to be attracted to each other!”

To say that I was confused would really be an understatement.

I struggled with the idea of entering into a relationship with this guy, right after experiencing the conviction that Jesus was calling me to be exclusively His. Was this a test from Christ to see if I was faithful, as in the case of Abraham and Isaac?

I couldn’t bring myself to believe that Jesus was testing me and my faithfulness to Him in such a way - my Jesus was a God of love, He wouldn’t just throw this test at me and then toss me aside if I fail! Would he?

Finally I decided to just give the relationship a shot.  

I wouldn’t know for sure whether this relationship is for me or not if I don’t at least try.

I told myself.

And with the start of the relationship, I put aside the possibility of a religious vocation (even though I constantly claimed that it was still a real possibility). The relationship was honestly like a dream and I was head over heels in love. Yet just a few months down, the relationship came to its end abruptly.

[[ SEASON II ]]

I was devastated and my heart was broken. Yet again, I felt as if God has failed me as with the other failed relationships I had been through. As I desperately tried to cling onto whatever dreams I had formed in my mind of a future together with this guy, I found my mind overwhelmed with many questions with God. I was fuming, confused, hurt and most of all, I felt betrayed by God.

“Why did he have to enter my life God? When I came to a place of wanting to discern religious vocation, why did he have to enter? Why did YOU bring him into my life? I didn’t go searching for him God. It had to be YOU. But why?”

As much as I tried, I couldn’t help but come to the same conclusion that I never did anything to invite this guy back into my life and that it has to be God’s hand. Yet, if the end was ultimately a breakup, my mind could not comprehend why God would make us meet again. As I allowed time to begin healing these wounds, I had also begun to allow time to allow me to slowly come to terms with the fact that I might never get an answer to these questions.

Now, I found myself at a new crossroads. Do I now seriously look at the possibility of discerning religious life? Or is that door now forever closed because I had already chosen once, to put that behind me and enter a relationship? I felt unworthy to begin thinking about the possibility of religious life, and I also didn’t want to make it seem as though religious life was my backup option. Relationship failed so go back to discernment.

[[ SEASON III ]]

“Though the mountains fall away and the hills be shaken, My love shall never fall away from you nor my covenant of peace be shaken says the Lord, who has mercy on you.

O afflicted one, storm-battered and unconsoled, I lay your pavements in carnelians, Your foundations in sapphires; I will make your battlements of rubies your gates of jewels, and all your walls of precious stones.”

Isaiah 54:10-12

I found myself at Seven Fountains retreat in Chiangmai about two months after the break up. By then, I had fooled myself into thinking that I was over the break up and had healed. Yet, away from all the distractions of the world and thrown into silence in the presence of God, the truths began to unveil itself.

(Photo: Seven Fountains Retreat, Chiang Mai)

The first night at retreat I sat in a dark chapel room in front of the Blessed Sacrament crying my eyes out. I had just read a passage given to me by the Spiritual Director and was unable to accept the words that God was trying to speak to me through this scripture verse:

“Because you are precious in my eyes, and honoured, and I love you.”

Isaiah 43:4

After hearing again and again by the different guys in my life that they loved me, and this was followed by a heart break, I found myself unable to believe God as well. I didn’t dare to trust in those three simple yet powerful words – I love you.

In my mind I knew that God’s love was different from any human love, but in my own heart, the hurts became scales over the eyes of my heart. And so I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed – and with that, I allowed that little bit more of healing to take place within my soul. Before I left the chapel to retire for the night, I scribbled in my journal

“I wish things were simpler Lord, I desperately want to be healed so that I can move on. I’m sorry that I’m taking so long. I’m back to where I started since D****’s heartache (previous guy) and that is that You are the only man who will not hurt me – you are the only man. If you truly want and are calling me to be yours alone, please Lord pursue me and don’t ever give up on me till I say yes. I pray that you will continue to mould me into a woman after your own heart.”

After that I went to sleep.

And let’s just say that God decided to speak to me very powerfully in the following days of the silent retreat. He spoke so loudly that no matter how much I would like to deny that God is inviting me to yet again discern being set apart exclusively for Him alone, I just cannot deny it.

“For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God.

For a brief moment I deserted you, But with great compassion I will gather you, In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you Says the Lord, your Redeemer.”

Isaiah 54:6-8

(Photo: Mad and I after silent retreat!)

[[ SEASON IV ]]

I amaze myself again and again at how I never seem to learn from my past mistakes.

To think that I would have learnt to now really seriously and intentionally set out to discern a religious vocation after hearing from God so strongly of his pursuit of me at silent retreat, I again found myself retreating in the opposite direction.

Finding myself unable to deny the very real possibility that God is calling me, I found myself paralyzed with fear. This call was becoming too real, too quickly. At the same time, I had not fully come to accept that I may never get the answers as to why the relationship and breakup had to happen after I felt the call to discern. And so instead of trying to walk with Christ, I chose instead to run far away from Him.

I allowed myself to slip into a state of lukewarm-ness and indifference. I had even managed to convince myself that I can be happy living a superficial, materialistic and hedonistic life. I started to believe that I was happy just chasing after temporal pleasures. And as these little evils and moral-compromises started to creep into my life, my relationship with God grew further and further apart.

At that point in my life, I was frustrated and tired. I was frustrated that no matter how hard I tried to follow God’s will in my life especially in the last year, it somehow kept coming to dead-ends. In addition, it only seemed as though I was gaining more confusion and less clarity as time went on. I no longer knew what I wanted, and I could no longer tell if I was listening and discerning correctly. I was very frustrated, and exhausted.

Thankfully, a blessed friend spoke that truth into my life – that all that I was doing in this dark season, and my very conscious decision to regress into a state of indifference and lukewarm-ness about the faith, was merely a symptom and consequence to all that I had been through the entire year. The “cause” was my frustration of trying so hard to follow God’s will and finding myself failing again and again, the “symptom” was my slow decline into the dark abyss as my faith began to waste away.

A symptom merely serves to alert and to indicate that there is something going wrong beneath the surface, the symptom is not the problem itself.

“The Lord himself will lead you and be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you, so do not lose courage or be afraid.”

Deuteronomy 3:18

[[ SEASON V ]]

Then came October.

By then, I had been drifting through life, falling deeper and deeper into indifference as my relationship with God continued to weaken for at least 3 months and I wasn’t happy. Sure I had temporal pleasures afforded me in this season, yet I knew that I wasn’t at peace and joyful. Instead, I was filled with constant anger, jealousy and had to battle my insecurities incessantly. I became, ironically, even more lifeless as I found myself increasingly drained and exhausted.

Yet, it is true what they say. Once you have experience the love of Christ, no matter how far you try to run, you can never run beyond His reach.

“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.”

Psalm 139:7-12

It was in October that I attended my community retreat and was once again reminded of the love of God for me, of the many times that He has pursued me and also of the fact that He doesn’t reject me because of the countless times that I have failed Him. Instead, the truth of the matter is that He continues to love me and call me to Him. In short, he reminded me of the love that had began everything, and also of the new journey that I had started on at World Youth Day Poland in 2016.

It was humbling. Humbling to be reminded that His love and mercy is greater than my weaknesses. So funny how sometimes we make our weaknesses and shortcomings seem greater than the power of Christ’s mercy and love for us.

[[ SEASONS TO COME ]]

And so today as I reflect upon the past year since I made that public declaration that I was going to discern about a religious vocation, I am grateful. It was definitely a crazy year of ups and downs, of seeming dead-ends upon dead-ends and it was also an immensely painful year. Yet, through the year I see clearly how even in all my unfaithfulness and weaknesses, God has never once stopped being faithful. His love and mercy for me constantly amazes and overwhelms me as I continue this journey of seeking God’s will for my life.

I no longer want to kid myself that after this crazy year, it will be smooth-sailing. Instead, I am very much aware and ready for the roller coaster ride that I have got on, and which I will only get off when I pass from this earth to the next.

So meanwhile, stay tuned my friends, cause I don’t think it will be any less dramatic in the seasons to come. Meanwhile, I ask humbly for all of your prayers because I know that I am very in need of them and be assured that you are in mine too! :)

Also, can I just say that I am even more convinced after this year that a Christian can never think that it can just be “him/her and his/her sweet Jesus”? I have only made it and held on through the year because of the many treasures that God has blessed me with to walk this journey of faith with. I am immensely grateful for not only their presence, but their many many prayers and words of wisdom and advice, always reminding me of the true voices and to discount the false ones.

Praise God for the joys, the tears, the highs and the lows. <3

Amen!

[diveronarpg]

Congratulations, JEZZ! You’ve been accepted for the role of BENVOLIO with a faceclaim change to Tommy Martinez. Admin Rosey: How sweet it is to have the secretary of the Soft Squad back in our midst! Jezz, you have no idea how over the moon I was when reading your application - your plots has such a clear sense of direction that was only amplified by how clearly you captured his thinking and his voice in your writing. Not only that, but the way you captured Verona? My favorite quote of all was so simple and telling: “...even the thickness in the air that wasn’t really caused by the world’s atmosphere but the people living in the city.” Absolutely blew me away. Welcome to the gang. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

Out of Character

Alias | Jezz

Age | 24

Preferred Pronouns | she/they

Activity Level | I got a new puppy just this week, so I’m a little busy with him, but that also means lots of down time at home, so I should be able to be on for a few replies every other day or so.

Timezone | CST

Current/Past RP Accounts | http://vicxcarlsson.tumblr.com, http://thenameis-kev.tumblr.com, and http://ahomegirlslives.tumblr.com/

In Character

Character | Benvolio, Bellamy Santo Domingo –– could I use Tommy Martinez as FC instead?

What drew you to this character? | I loved the fact that he’s trapped between what he knows himself to be and his family. I have a weakness for soft characters, and he is one, though he has to show an extreme amount of strength to be loyal to his family and his duties as the eldest son of the family, and it’s something I would like to play with in the future. I also love the idea of the burden he feels in his heart, and how despite it all, he will try his best not to give into the pressure of what’s easier.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? |

HOW WILL I WASH MY HANDS? || Bellamy has had quite the reputation of being soft since he was a young kid. It is well known by his family, his friends and everyone around. When his father first tried to mention the war, he simply changed subjects, looking uncomfortable to the point where his father lost patience and released him from it. This happened all around him. In a family where bloodshed was the main conversation topic at dinner, it was easy to see how someone like Bellamy wouldn’t fit in. For that however, comes Roman and Marcelo, his companions for life. They never judged him, and he even had the feeling the pair were greatly thankful for his existence and participation when they were both in trouble for he was the one with a cold head all the time. However, his deep thoughts and strict position against violence have their limits, I believe. And that is when things come too close to the people he cares about. He would do anything for his family, whether it be blood (clearly, since he also came back for them) or the chosen one. I want him to get his hands actually dirty at some point for either of them, show that protective nature he’s always hidden behind the pacifist and gentle face he shows. It won’t come for free, however, because even if he’d consider it absolutely worth it, guilt and remorse would eat away his soul and affect every single part of his being, when it comes to his relationships with others, and his personal beliefs.

GULLIBLE AT BEST || When he was a child, Bellamy’s intention was to restore peace in Verona.. Somewhere mid-teens, he realised that this idea would always be a fantasy for he couldn’t be the hero himself, and trouble had started years and years before he was even born. It’s not his homework or task. But he does believe that with enough effort, one by one, a person’s ideas can shift and that he can help with. He knows Odin’s allegiances are strong and of course does he have second thoughts about his intentions with every single word he says, but often times he seems a little too honest, a little too sad that he’s formed some sort of trust with him. Of course he has to have it, with them being partners and all, but it’s starting to grow into some sort of bond from his side. He believes that if he shows enough understanding, enough compassion, then he would have, more than an ally, a friend in him. Of course that’s just his pacifist mind, because Odin’s ideas are a little different. I would want to see how far into this ‘friendship’ could he go before he realises he’s been played the whole time and how this will play with his confidence and also his beliefs.

TWO CAN KEEP A SECRET. || Gentleness comes with a good amount of sensitivity and emotions, which have allowed Bellamy to see the good in everyone he meets. Whether it’s a total stranger or a well known name from another gang, he will strive to find that soft spot well hidden in everyone. Bellamy is smart, but in his ideals of relationships, he’s quite innocent. He believes that because his intentions are good, then everyone’s must be. One thing is his friendship prototype with Odin, but a much different thing is the relationship he will keep with Cyrus. A quite unexpected connection will form between the two of them. One that could potentially ruin everything he’s ever known, his family, his loyalties and his very own dignity, which is something he prides himself of having despite the disguised rejection of his own family. But perhaps, it is the same rejection that will push him to the Capulet side if Cyrus plays his cards right. Who knows? Maybe all this loyalty to the Montagues will be shook to the core if he finds someone he can ‘trust’ on the other side. How much damage could loyalty bring onto him?

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Yes! As long as it serves the plot, bring it on!

In Depth

In-Character Para Sample:

     Getting off that airplane was the hardest thing Bellamy had ever done in his life. Much more than walking away. Back then it had been nothing but a short goodbye, his mother kissing his cheek and wishing him well right before going back to her business as if he had sent a ‘see you later’ instead. Maybe the woman should now sell her services as a fortune teller, because that was exactly what this felt like. Four years later, and it didn’t feel like it had been enough time, but his mother’s words weighed on his chest. If he closed his eyes longer than a couple seconds, then he would still hear the conversation, the amount of compassion in her voice, that even though he never heard before, Bellamy blindly believed. His parents had never been supportive of his ways, but they had found some sort of acceptance that their boy would never be what the Santo Domingo blood was meant to be (Bellamy could even remember, from when he was just a child, a bunch of arguments having his father accusing his mother of cheating, considering how different he was). And still, his mother had found a way to bring him back to Verona somehow, follow his duty as the Santo Domingo eldest, whether he liked it not.

     ‘I could be on my way to London,’ he thought to himself before the plane took off. ‘I could be in London right now,’ he found himself thinking the second they landed, but he couldn’t deny it, there was a part of him that had missed the smell of Verona, the weather, even the thickness in the air that wasn’t really caused by the world’s atmosphere but the people living in the city. A city… When he had been a child, he would’ve never called it such. It always seemed small enough, easy enough to change, but it had been nothing but mere ideals and fantasies. Bellamy now knew him wrong, and though it still bore disappointment in his soul, it also brought some sort of pride he couldn’t explain.

     Bellamy had only had the time and motivation to let two people know about his return to Verona: Marcelo and Roman, of course, whom he hoped hadn’t drifted apart in the past four years. To his surprise, and to quiet down the demons inside his mind, those were the first two faces he spotted once outside the airport. Bellamy dropped his suitcase, not caring if anyone would steal it– he wouldn’t have to worry about that anymore– and ran towards them, jumping and clinging on to Marcelo, who was always the tallest, and tried his best to contain his tears. He was sure they both would tease him for it, but never judge him. His best attempt, of course, failed, which culminated in the whole drive home being teased for still being ‘the same sentimental nut’ he had always been. Which, of course, Bellamy couldn’t deny.

     It all seemed a little too good to be true, that Bellamy allowed himself to believe it was that way. He had been gone for a long time, lost track of people, of problems and violence, that they almost seemed to have vanished somehow. Maybe this could be a good life for sure. Once again, it was all a fantasy, and just a few seconds in silence would remind him of his mother’s phone call, of his presence being strictly required by the family because they were all stronger in numbers, stronger together. He couldn’t say he didn’t agree, except his call was for peace, instead of war. Marcelo and Roman drove away with the promise of a ‘see you later’ and Bellamy had no other choice but to go in. He did waste some good twenty minutes walking around the property, looking up the one tree that had grown up with him since he was three now double his height, if the lemons were still fresh in the tree right next to it, and if the swing he once played in was still there. Everything was perfectly normal. As if he hadn’t left. And that thought made his stomach twist in anguish as his feet slowly but surely took him inside the house.

     “Welcome home, son.” His mother opened his arms widely, as one would have seen in movies. Bellamy felt uncomfortable at the warmth, but he received it nonetheless, wrapping his arms around her body and tightening as he felt the need for a hug coming over him.      Bellamy smiled and pulled away after a second.      “Happy to be here, mother.” His response wasn’t honest, and she knew it. And Bellamy knew she knew it, but would ignore it like they always had whenever he did something that didn’t fall in line with the family business.

     Before he could say or do anything then, his mother took a step to the right, unveiling the next big surprise, which she was clearly excited about.      “What’s this?” Bellamy asked, picking up a shirt that was a little too thick and tough to the touch, a badge next.      “Your new job. I thought you’d want one.” The ringing of the phone interrupted her train of thought and left him all alone in the big living room with the police officer uniform, and a responsibility for duty he had never felt before. He knew the job wouldn’t come for free. He knew he hadn’t been offered this position to keep an eye out on revolts and violent acts but to quiet down when he had to, and inform when he must, get his hands dirty if he must. He knew the rules. He’d spent all his life ignoring them, but he knew them all. And they had never weighed him down more than they were in that moment, as the ‘welcome home’ sign hanging above him dropped from one side. Just like the movies.

[bambamramfan]

1/2 I know you frame many of your critiques in terms of "ideology", but you seem to use the term in different ways depending on the post. Sometimes you talk about abstract values: caricatures in media, nebulous culture iconography. Sometimes you're separating broad familiar political groupings and specifying their traits (this comes up when you talk about socialism). And sometimes you seem to be talking about communities (or demographics, but it's important to make a distinction between those).

2/2 I see these situations as different enough that I would prefer to use different words. Why do you use the one? Do they all reduce to one concept for you? If so, how?

So let’s start with why we are having these conversations. If you’re reading this blog I assume you’re familiar with the claim “both sides do it,” when you notice both sides of a political fight are acting badly. Ignoring evidence, name-calling, cognitive dissonance, even harassing members of the other political side, or obsessively focusing on a few instances of terrorism to prove the entire other side is bankrupt. You’ve probably been in the situation where you agreed with the fundamental beliefs of one political side, but didn’t know what to do about the fact that it felt like they were acting badly and betraying their beliefs, but the other side wasn’t really any better. Scott has certainly written about this dilemma a lot.

And we recognize “a lot of the way people talk about politics fails, and it fails in the same way.” That’s why politics is called the mindkiller. Now many people will say “Oh I just guess political discussion is terrible, lets just not talk politics or morality.” But that can’t be right either - we can easily imagine good political discussions - based on evidence and ethical principles, with respect for our opponents as human beings even when they disagree with that.

So to critique ideology is trying to find “the ways these political dynamics keep failing, what the whole system has in common, and how we can avoid that.”

I for instance am strongly opposed to dehumanization. It is the bedrock principle of this particular blog. The left wing side of American politics has policies more in concordance with this, but it must be admitted that liberal discourse has increasingly embraced dehumanization of its enemies. So why doesn’t American liberalism resist dehumanization, and how can you have a politics that consistently follows your ethical principles, without being seduced into thinking “your greatest values are worth violating as long as it hurts your enemies.”

That’s the aim. Let’s talk about why it’s all one big system, and not separable parts.

******

Question for you. What is the Republican Party? Especially if you’re looking at it from the question of “if there was one thing I could control, to thereby control the whole party with, what is it?”

(As with my previous post on Republican dynamics, you can say all these same things for the Democratic Party if you prefer to think of it that way.)

It’s not the Republican National Committee, or any other institutional organizations. They can’t really drive policy or discussion. Most voters or radio talk show hosts just complain about them.

It’s not individual politicians. Many of them are very different from each other - look at the passage from Dubya to Trump. But the torch passed with most of the same voters and supporters intact (despite a hostile takeover. Something was taken over. What was it?)

It’s not “the collection of all the voters or office holders.” These are many different demographics - rich bankers, white farmers in Idaho, oilmen in Texas, Cuban families in Florida. And what more there’s very little demographic test. While their policies are bad for black people and gay people and hispanic people, by and large individuals of those demographics are enthusiastically embraced as converts, to say “Republican policies ARE better for black people!” Just look at their love of Tim Scott and Colin Powell. By the same token, loyalty to current Republicans is very shallow - if you step out of line and disagree with the popular line of the day, you get labelled as a RINO, attacked by radio talk shows, possibly even harassed and driven out of the party entirely.

Are they defined by their particular values then? Well on a policy level, their lock-step-heel switch the Individual Mandate solution for health insurance, or Cap-and-Trade, showed alarming rapidity in how a favored policy can become an opposed policy. There wasn’t even cognitive dissonance really, just complete disavowal. Even on policies we think of as very fundamental to Republicans, like lower taxes, were not negotiated on by federal Republicans so long as President Obama was part of the deal. Any presence of any Democrat in the deal could ruin its purity.

You could say they are committed to certain philosophical principles in the abstract sense, but what are they? Would all the factions agree with those? Do they even consistently predict what policies will be proposed and voted on?

As I said before in the Senate Republicans post, I wouldn’t even identify this system within individuals. As individuals many Republicans believe sensible, similar object-level things like you or your liberal friends.

We could go all nihilistic here and say the Republican Party isn’t a real thing we can understand. But it seems like there are a lot of predictions we can make based on our knowledge of something called the Republican Party. We know the way all the Senators will vote, we know which candidate will win Georgia and by what percentage within ten percent, and we know what bills they will try to repeal.

How do we identify this ideology?

******

So you read my post on terminology: the Big Other, the Dark Other, and joissance.

Arlie Hochschild spent five years talking to various conservatives of different class levels that helped him understand the populist uprising that we eventually saw last year. They had a lot of different life circumstances, different politicians they were supporting of, and their expression of abstract political values was vague at best.

When I asked people what politics meant to them, they often answered by telling me what they believed ("I believe in freedom") or who they'd vote for ("I was for Ted Cruz, but now I'm voting Trump"). But running beneath such beliefs like an underwater spring was what I've come to think of as a deep story. The deep story was a feels-as-if-it's-true story, stripped of facts and judgments, that reflected the feelings underpinning opinions and votes. It was a story of unfairness and anxiety, stagnation and slippage—a story in which shame was the companion to need. Except Trump had opened a divide in how tea partiers felt this story should end.

...

What the people I interviewed were drawn to was not necessarily the particulars of these theories. It was the deep story underlying them—an account of life as it feels to them. Some such account underlies all beliefs, right or left, I think. The deep story of the right goes like this:You are patiently standing in the middle of a long line stretching toward the horizon, where the American Dream awaits. But as you wait, you see people cutting in line ahead of you. Many of these line-cutters are black—beneficiaries of affirmative action or welfare. Some are career-driven women pushing into jobs they never had before. Then you see immigrants, Mexicans, Somalis, the Syrian refugees yet to come. As you wait in this unmoving line, you're being asked to feel sorry for them all. You have a good heart. But who is deciding who you should feel compassion for? Then you see President Barack Hussein Obama waving the line-cutters forward. He's on their side. In fact, isn't he a line-cutter too? How did this fatherless black guy pay for Harvard? As you wait your turn, Obama is using the money in your pocket to help the line-cutters. He and his liberal backers have removed the shame from taking. The government has become an instrument for redistributing your money to the undeserving. It's not your government anymore; it's theirs.I checked this distillation with those I interviewed to see if this version of the deep story rang true. Some altered it a bit ("the line-waiters form a new line") or emphasized a particular point (those in back are paying for the line-cutters). But all of them agreed it was their story. One man said, "I live your analogy." Another said, "You read my mind."

Hochschild thinks this a sympathetic way to describe their beliefs, because it shows they don’t actually hate black people or whatnot. I think it’s abhorrent. And it precisely fits that triptych to define an ideology: the Big Other is whoever at the front of the line giving things out, the Dark Other is the people cutting, or rather leaders like Obama helping them cut, and joissance is the “American Dream” that is being handed out.

The story isn’t even a very effective way of handling problems. It’s about resentment at that Dark Other, and not what sort of compromises you could make to reduce line-cutting, or increase the amount of “American Dream” to hand out. These are fantasy concepts after all, and people’s feeling about them. Some policies or individual politicians will not reduce their impact on you nearly as much as “Someone speaking out against them!” feeds your sense of injured anger.

So that’s the best way to define it. What is the Republican Party? It is the system that follows this explanation for “what is wrong with the world” and everything that builds up around it. It’s the system’s memetic efficiency, and the people acting as a group to execute it, and the cultural artifacts they surround themselves with that share the same ideological message. (Art does have political messages, even the most inoffensive stuff.) But none of those epiphenomenon are responsible for the ideology itself, nor should they be held accountable for it.

Twenty-Four is a highly ideological show that talks about the need for harsh violence that offends our intuitions about virtue in order to defend our freedoms. That doesn’t make it responsible for the perpetuation of neoconservative ideology, more a reflection of what’s going on under the hood.

So you can’t really separate the “abstract values: caricatures in media, nebulous culture iconography” because I’m not even objecting to any of those on their own. The values, media, and cultural icons can all be good in different contexts. But as part of an overall system, I want to understand them and fight them.

[hanzi83]

Scattered Mental Health Talk

I have heard a lot of talk about mental illness lately and of course it is the one thing I know about because every day of my life I live it and it doesn’t escape. Even though I have seen better days with proper medication and the dosage, there are still things that affect me. People will dismiss others’ mental illness, and maybe there are certain public figures using it as a cop out, but being an entertainer in general, you would have to be mentally ill to some extent, and a lot of you don’t even realize it or won’t admit it because you use it to set a limited narrative of what mental illness is about. You can put all the public speaking and promote all these pretentious ads about it all you want, but if you don’t address the main force of what makes people mentally ill, we are never going to solve it.

When people say you can’t just say racist things as a mentally ill person, mental illness is so bad that of course it makes people ignorant, and because of the propaganda they have bought into because they think the other stuff they hate is the pretentious propaganda, and the liberals do themselves no favors with the limited way things are presented, while completely shitting on the progressives who are labeled “purists” because they aren’t happy with the way things are run, the right wing have taken advantage of that, and a lot of people who feel things are too PC because it is made to seem the voices dominating in a limited capacity makes it seem like they are the fascists for silencing people, even though real progressives are being silenced by “both sides”. Now someone like Roseanne and Kanye West started off saying some real shit, and even though they have changed their tune, and used mental illness as a cop out for their actions etc, maybe in this instance it is, but when Roseanne was speaking about MK Ultra, more about 9/11 and how Israel has become a fascist state, then suddenly a couple of years later she is now become a more right wing conspiracy theorist etc. So by default she could be forced to be doing these things and because a lot of public figures are mentally ill, they are having breakdowns and because it is not the side you like, it now becomes a cop out, and I am not defending Roseanne for the racist shit she has been putting out, but a lot of mentally ill people can buy into this, and feel angry about things they are told to feel angry about. Either way Roseanne’s career is supposed to be done, but this scariness of defining what mental illness is, is dangerous, because as someone who is not a powerful voice, my mental illness over the course of the years made me buy into right wing shit without realizing I was buying into it.

People are afraid of discussing the real mental illness that exists, and now because Kanye and Roseanne are supposed to be the villains in this story because, even though their base is saying it is free thought and it is the liberals that are deeming what people can think etc, it is becoming clear to me that the right wing dominates the counter culture on the internet where it has become as bad as the mainstream narrative, and whilst doing that it has made it difficult for true progressive voices that want to fucking voice out their opinion. And if you are supporting the corporate democratic voice, you are also part of the problem. So Roseanne and Kanye’s mental illness is real, but it goes deeper than what people want to talk about because there are dark forces controlling them. Maybe this is who they are now, but for those thinking this is freedom of thought, I can buy into that, that you should have freedom of thought but Kanye is not doing that, and the people using that to defend him don’t realize he is so down the rabbit hole. Maybe this is done by design but unless you call out the controllers in this world, nothing will change. Trump might be the representative of what that is, but he is not the entire cause. It is now become a lot more transparent.

So when people dismiss someone saying ignorant shit as it being a cop out of what mental illness is, you are not being honest with yourselves because you can only pretend to care. I have spoken out for a long time, so much so you guys don’t care about my mental illness and I am glad I have been transparent with it the last decade because you could see the evolution of my thinking and how much it got extreme with the right wing shit when I felt Obama lied about killing Bin Laden, and then because right wing pundits were the only one calling it out, while the “left” celebrated like it was the greatest thing, it made me go down that path of not buying anything they said and because it seemed the right wing were the ones speaking out, and it seemed like it was the early stages to plant the seeds to Trump. Give a “liberal” representation that would be mainly corporate, to give the right wing type a voice of feeling like they were victims. Now I bought into all these conspiracies and I still buy into them, so much so that I can see how the right wing has taken over the movement and now if you are a conspiracy thinker, you get lumped in with Alex Jones. It was done on purpose.

Do I think Roseanne and Kanye are supposed to be representing the evil side, while the counter culture thinks they are speaking out against the culture today and the rest of the “liberal media” and while the mainstream to an extent either has corporate interests to appease, but also the limit the narrative of the good things you should stand up for, so now the independent circuit calls it out, whether it is for the purpose of good, or whether it is dark web personalities that are doing it for more regressive thinking while labeling anyone who shows compassion a fragile snowflake. It is disturbing. In my opinion, because anything I presume I have no facts 100 percent, but with my critical thinking there are good sides and bad sides, but it will always be limited. These people could be mentally ill, but their mind state they are in, is serving what is supposed to be the evil side. And maybe it is my mental illness, but I have been in several different mind frames, whether it was immaturity, ignorance, contrarian tendencies, irrational anger, I have allowed my mental illness buy into stuff that I thought I was thinking on my own, and had to continue to dissect the multi dimensional chess being played, while we struggle to play the regular chess. We are checkers player at best, maybe not most of you who are in on the secret, but sometimes I think I am. Whenever I try to get on their level to see how this could potentially play out, my mind has gone insane and it has gone to dark places I never wish to go, and then when there are people and shows out there that I presume will keep fucking with me under the surface, and then capitalize on my paranoia and anger to get riled up.

I could try to get off social media, but because I think they are trying to lessen my voice, whether it is going on other people’s podcasts, or even doing my own videos that get reported so I could have a limited platform, and kill any maximum viewership and when there are several thousand that show up, they start banning my videos, and when I do them more and more, the numbers get less. It wouldn’t bother me so much about if this was genuine, but the theory that they amplify it up and down when they want to. It is kind of disturbing. They show up and write rumors about me, try to paint it like I am some violent irrational, whether it is spreading rumors I beat up a gay couple at a restaurant, or photo shop a gun in my hand to make it seem like I have weapons. I don’t and I don’t plan on it. They will try to find as much personal information on me to put out there. They will hack my credit cards, or they will make their presence be known that they have access to my computers and smart phones. They will play random playlists, or like certain tweets and then hide those likes. It is weird. I keep reporting this and putting it out there on social media, which some people will argue is a dumb idea, but if something does happen to me, at least there is a history of tweets, face book posts, blogs, videos etc out there, and even if this is just the rambling of a mad man, then at least you have some idea how deep the mental illness is, and this is what most mentally ill people think with these constant insecurities and paranoia that exists. I will show you the ugly side of this shit, because it is what defines me unfortunately. I have had no excitement in my life and because I became excluded and secluded from everyone, I have had regrets and then wonder if it is even worth it because I am always going to be a broken person, and I might never get my confidence back, or whatever I had when I at least could leave my house, without fear that hired people are going to fuck with me. I am afraid to even approach women because I don’t want them to be targets, or maybe they are associates from the system, and might fuck me over. I don’t want to put my mental illness, as much as I want to have sex. I get scared of diseases, or the fact that I am not equipped enough. I am afraid they will get bored of me after a while. Then I go into panic mode that this is what my mind will be like forever, and I will be very old sooner than I realize, why can’t I just be put out my misery?

So when I see people being ridiculed or fucked with, I wonder how much control they have, because whether you want to believe it or not, a lot secrecy exists and people are programmed to say shit or turn to villains when the system needs them to. There is representation of good, but even that is limited, from what I can pick up. I don’t know if I am right. I don’t know if I have what it takes to make something out of my life, and do the people I love have my best interests, and are people planning to turn on me. It is why I remain a loner, even if it comes down to it being mainly negative if I am by myself, but then I get accumulated anger when I hang with people, because they will take little jabs, and if I dare say anything back, they will act like I am not supposed to do that and I am supposed to be the bigger person. I can’t stand it, and the thought of people I know, going over my tweets, videos or blogs and then secretly discussing it in their group chats, it makes me wonder what kind of shit they talk about me. I hate what people have become just to fit in, and I just want out of here as soon as possible, because I am of no use. I am afraid that until something seriously happens to me, then the media will then kind of be able to investigate these theories I can’t prove. It feels like they are even put in line from ever revealing some horrible truths about what powerful people do and how they possibly organize some type of harassment towards others and drive them to suicide, even by blatantly telling people their goal is for me to do that. It just shows people can get away with it because it is under the guise of “entertainment” and then because these unknown variables are not to the knowledge of the general public, it just seems people are being whiny and are weak not being able to handle just random strangers busting your balls on the internet. People will always get away with this, and they know I can’t do anything because any type of response, they will spin it like I am dangerous. They will goad me into trying to threaten them or break some social media rule, so I can be censored even more. Even having other whack packer types from the show warning me that people of my ilk will be imprisoned, and it could just be a joke but what kind of sick person puts that paranoia in someone’s head. They will even sell merchandise with my image on it and I don’t know how to find out who is selling it and how to get something going for money being made for it. I would love for my brain to just drop out and I can live the rest of my days’ brain dead. I just have no enthusiasm to be here.

I have been all over the map, but I just wanted to write about this topic, even though it is basically the same blog remixed and nothing ever gets solved, especially with my fucking beaten down attitude because I don’t know what these people will do to me, and it seems like they will keep crossing the lines and trying to fuck with me more. These people will never be punished for it. I just already imagine something happening and then when people in the media can profit off telling the story nonstop or something, it will make me even more pissed off and it shows me that these things only happen when they are approved to write about something. I will try to stay off social media, but even in my own house they have me monitored with advanced technology. That could be in my head, and that is just probably my severe mental illness acting up and you can just use it to dismiss my entire existence while getting your kicks off being fucked with online, and because people don’t know that there organized factions doing this with the intent to drive people nuts, people just think people are being soft and that they aren’t tough etc. It is fucked up. It has become the cool and counter culture argument to use and because people want to appease the cynical type, because that has always been the cool perspective, to be negative, they go with that because they fail to realize there is limited representation in the mainstream for something that can be seen as good.