#I’ll keep talking about this whole situation until we finally have an answer

[sserrafeim]

“Azriel should end up with Elain”

“Azriel should end up with Gwyn”

No, Azriel should end up WITH ME

[lemonlover1110]

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐬

Satoru Gojo

[Chapter 17] Father and Son

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Pairing: Satoru Gojo x f!Reader

Discord +18 - Twitter - Ko-Fi

Satoru tries to make up for the past four years of Ren’s life in a matter of weeks. His focus drastically changes, from his work to his son. He ignores the matter of so many people knowing before him, he avoids his mother and his so-called friends. His main and only priority is his son.

You both wish you could say that your relationship has gotten better, but you don’t really speak to each other unless it’s about the son you share. You’re hopeless that it’ll progress past what you have. Neither of you have the courage to bring up the situation, either way, your attention should be on Ren. 

Ren is finally meeting the man that he’s been dreaming of, and he’s getting to know his father after four years. You’re mostly excited for your son, while also regretting hiding it when you had the chance to tell him. Your relationship is the last thing on your mind– It’s certainly the last thing in Satoru’s mind.

He visits daily, bearing many gifts for his son. Satoru has become a regular at the toy store, buying something each day for his son, something that he thinks Ren would like. He hopes that material stuff will make up for the time wasted. Sometimes he brings some candy, but he doesn’t do it often. Satoru is still his father, he can’t just spoil him rotten, he also has to care for Ren’s wellbeing. He’s slowly growing accustomed to becoming a parent.

“What’s this, Ren?” Satoru holds up a cute white cat plush, one that Satoru always finds on the bed. He wonders if that’s the toy his son has had ever since he was a baby, he guesses it is since Satoru feels like he’s seen it in the background of a picture before.

“It’s whiskers.” Ren answers, taking the plush from his father and putting it back on the bed. That’s before he turns to other matters. Ren doesn’t mind sharing his toys (because you’ve been the one raising him), but whiskers is someone that Ren doesn’t like anyone touching. Anyone and anything can get the toy dirty, and when that happens, you refuse to let the toy on the bed, at least not before you wash it and get it clean again.

Satoru doesn’t bother to ask if that’s the plush that he sleeps with, because that’s most certainly a yes. Ren wants to talk about other important matters though so Satoru gives his undivided attention to his son. Ren then asks, “Are you sleeping over?”

“Uhm… No.” Satoru answers. You most certainly wouldn’t want that. Plus, Satoru has a wife at home who has her suspicions that something is going on. He doubts that she’ll care too much, but he wants to keep Ren protected from the world. If Sayo finds out, so does her family, and if her family knows, the whole world will know. “But I’ll stay until you fall asleep, Ren.”

“I want you to stay.” Ren sticks out his bottom lip, obviously disappointed that his father isn’t staying for the night. You let him on your bed all the time and you sleep together, why can’t he do the same thing with his father? Satoru can’t help but feel bad, so he thinks of how to respond to cheer him up.

You commented how you had plans of going on a small trip with Ren before summer ended, but summer evidently has come to an end. It’s colder now and the leaves are changing color. Satoru finally decides, “We can go on a trip soon, and we’ll be together all day every day.”

“Really?” The little boy’s eyes light up, making the biggest smile come to Satoru’s lips. Satoru now wonders how he was ever happy without him– Well, with you… But that memory slowly fades away since your relationship is now filled with awkwardness. Satoru nods his head in response. He can lie and make it a business trip, it’s not an issue for him really.

“We’ll have to talk to your mommy first, honey. Then we can plan it all.” Satoru answers, and Ren turns around to go look for you. Satoru feels awkward sitting alone on a bed that’s far too low and small for him. He stands up and follows Ren. They both look for you around the apartment until they land in your bedroom. The bathroom door is closed, and Ren immediately knows what to do.

Ren opens the door to the bathroom, and you immediately make eye contact with Satoru. Your face grows hot of embarrassment, and obviously Ren doesn’t see an issue with it. Ren’s issue is when he actually steps into the bathroom, and he just has to comment, “It stinks.”

“Yeah, I wonder why. Get out, Ren, and close the door!” You raise your voice, your embarrassment getting the best of you. Ren closes the door, leaving you to it, and Satoru chuckles. He ruffles Ren’s hair as both walk out of your bedroom.

“You gotta learn how to knock, baby. Give your mommy some privacy.” Satoru says, but it goes one ear out the other. Ren isn’t going to knock, you’re his mommy. If you want your privacy you better lock the door. They take a seat in the living room, where Ren grabs the remote to put on a movie. He knows how to get the movie he wants, even when he’s just learning how to read and spell.

“Where do you want to go?” Satoru asks, wondering where his son wants to go. Ren drops the remote on the couch, putting his tiny index finger on his chin, humming and tilting his head to the side as he thinks of the answer. 

“The beach.” Ren answers, but it’s cold. They can go out of the country though, go somewhere warm. He needs to talk to you first, of course. When you finally walk out of your bedroom (after mentally cursing your son for not having any manners when others are around), you go to the living room to see what they needed.

“What did you need, Ren?” You ask, and he looks excitedly at you. Satoru is the one that speaks up for him though,

“We want to go on a trip, can we?” You almost laugh since Satoru sounds like a hopeful child.

“Where are you two going?” You respond. You can’t really say no because Satoru is supposed to have equal authority as Ren’s father.

“Ren wants to go to the beach.” Satoru answers, Ren nodding in agreement. You cross your arms, your brows furrowing.

“It’s too cold to go to the beach, do you not have any other place in mind?” You point out, making Ren pout. The pout doesn’t last long though since Satoru says,

“We can go to another country. Somewhere warm with better beaches.” You’re certainly not convinced since you doubt you’re part of the plan. You’re not letting your baby boy in another country without you– Well, technically he’d be with his father, but you’re still not convinced. Until Satoru says, “Of course, you’re included! I doubt Ren would go anywhere without you.”

“I wouldn’t.” Ren affirms, and you laugh. 

“If you plan everything, then sure. We can go on a trip. You need to give me time off though– Paid time.” You say, and Satoru nods in response. He does pretty much everything you ask of him, and you certainly can’t complain about it. Ren focuses on putting on one of his favorite movies, and you begin to walk to the kitchen, asking, “Are you staying for dinner, Satoru?”

“Yeah.” Satoru answers. He’d definitely rather eat here with his son and you than dine alone at home. He helps Ren put the movie on, and they both begin to watch the movie. He’s watched this movie around five times the past week, and to be honest, Satoru is sick of it. But he’ll watch it because Ren loves it. 

He’s grateful when you call his name, and he has to tell Ren that you need him, so he can’t stay to watch the movie. Satoru walks to the kitchen, and he finds you trying to reach something that’s far too high for you. Satoru’s eyes land on the white bowl and he reaches for it before handing it to you. You mutter a thank you, and you expect him to go back to Ren, but he doesn’t. You then tell him, “That’s all I need from you, you can go.”

“Do you need help with anything else? You know I love Ren but… I’m sick of that movie.” Satoru answers, earning a chuckle from you. You think about what he can do for a moment, and he patiently waits for you to answer.

“You can make the salad, and then set the table.” You respond, and you think you’ll regret it for a moment. Satoru has had everything done for him, he probably doesn’t know how to cut a cucumber; but then you remember that he lived alone for some time, he had to cook for himself for a while. Satoru immediately gets to work, opening the fridge to get all the vegetables that he needs. He looks around the cabinets and drawers for the cutting board and knife, and he quietly begins to cut the vegetables.

“Have you talked to Shoko?” Satoru asks, washing the lettuce throughout. Pretty much everything is wrong between the two of you, but you can’t just stand in awkward silence every single day. You have to talk to each other, after all, you doubt you’ll stop seeing each other.

“I haven’t. I’m not going to for a while.” You reply. In Satoru’s eyes, she did nothing wrong. He’s glad that Shoko told him, otherwise, he probably wouldn’t be with Ren. But in a sense, he understands why you don’t want to talk to her. “Tell her to stop calling my phone because I’m not going to answer. I’ll call her when I’m ready.”

“I’m not really talking to her either.” He responds.

“Is it because she has the hots for your wife?” You blurt out, and you bite your tongue the moment the words leave your lips. Satoru’s brows raise, definitely surprised by your words. You can’t be serious, can you? Before he can ask more questions about it, you change the topic, “Speaking of… When are you going to tell Sayo about Ren? She’s your wife, she has to find out eventually.”

“Maybe after our trip… I’m not sure how to tell her.” Satoru shares, and you understand that it’s a tough situation. He has to figure out a way to tell his wife of almost five years that he had a kid that’s almost five– And he never cheated, he just found out about him. This was all before their marriage. It’s definitely hard. Satoru clears his throat, mustering up the courage to ask about Suguru, someone else that he has been ignoring. “So… How are you and Suguru? Are you still seeing each other?”

“We’ve been busy, but we’re still… Talking.” You answer. You won’t lie and say that you don’t feel nauseous every time you talk to him, your heart nearly beating out of your chest for the simple fact that you lied to him. He has to find out that you lied eventually. “Have you talked to him?”

“I’m not talking to him. I’ve been ignoring him. I’ve been ignoring everyone.” Satoru responds. He puts the knife down, watching you as you begin to cook. He bites down his lip, holding back on saying a couple of things that are on his mind. About this situation, about you and Suguru, maybe an apology. Satoru has been a complete mess with so many things going in his mind, but not voicing any of them. He does have to ask one question though, “Is Ren the reason why you quit school?”

“Yeah…” You feel embarrassed to say it. “I couldn’t afford both. It was either my baby or school, and that was an easy choice.”

“Sorry…” He mutters, and it’s barely audible but you hear it. You don’t really pay attention to it, in the end it was your decision. Given the option, you’d do it all over again. 

[manfuckthisimout]

This look RAHHHHHH

Your relationship with your boss was an odd one. It was obvious to everyone in the precinct that you and the detective were more than just boss and secretary. But you would never admit that, and August D had a weird way of showing his fondness. It was the same way every workday—come in at 6:30, find the detective already at his desk, make him coffee, start the day. He would fuss and scold you for little things, make excuses to stay at your desk and talk to you.

You two kind of danced around each other, an unspoken possessive from the detective, and you playing coy until he finally fesses up that he likes you.

He storms out of his office while you’re scheduling his next meeting.

“Didn’t I tell you not to mix up these documents?” he says, holding up a manila file folder. He looks quite frustrated, cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth, suit jacket off and sleeves rolled past his forearms.

Yelling at you like this does virtually nothing in his favor—if anything it just makes you rub your thighs together. “I’m sorry sir,” you smooth out, batting your eyelashes up at him. “I thought your desk needed some tidying, and you were out in a case so..” He gives you a pointed look. “That doesn’t give you a reason to touch anything in my office. If I want you to tidy anything of mine, I’ll ask you to.” You nod, turning your attention back to the computer screen in front of you.

“Did you schedule my meeting with Captain Jung?” He asks, leaning over the front of your desk. You can feel him staring into your forehead, almost trying to make you squirm in your seat. “Of course sir, I just finished. Your meeting is for 4:30 today.” “Good.” He gives you one last long look over before pushing off your desk and walking back into his office.

You look up from your computer, staring at the deep mahogany that separates you and your boss. “Y’know, we have a running bet pool on which of you is gonna confess first.” Your coworker, Su-min slides over to your desk and props her hand under her chin. “What are you talking about? There’s nothing going on between me and him,” you sigh. “Sure. Tell it to the rest of us.” She chides back. “Don’t you have a case to be doing right now? That missing girl right? How long has it been?” “About a week or so. I really hope we can find her alive, but it’s starting to look grim.” She grimaces. “I hope you end up finding her either way—“

“Y/N! My office, now!”

Suddenly his door was cracked, and you could see him walking back to his desk, waiting for you.

You turn to Su-min and grimace. “Duty calls. Tell me about the case after I get done with this.” She grins at you. “Don’t start fooling around in there, keep it PG!” You roll your eyes, standing from your desk and walking into the detective’s office.

“You called for me detective?” You answer sweetly. “Sit. I have something to talk to you about.” You sit in one of the leather chairs in front of his desk, feeling his eyes on you the whole time. He gets up and rounds the front of his desk, leaning against it to look at you better. “We’ve known each other for quite sometime now,” he starts, arms folded and head down. He smirks. “You and I both know that I’ve been dancing around you these past years-“ “Is that what you call it sir?” He pauses. “Excuse me?” “Is that what you call it, this situation I mean. I was very aware of your feelings about me from the day we met sir. The whole precinct knows how you act around me.” “..I’ve been that bad at hiding it then?” “Pretty much.”

He sighs. “I know I haven’t been…vocal..about my feelings for you. I’d like to fix that. Do you want to go to lunch with me sometime?” You smile at his bluntness. He’s always been bad with words like this, saving his poetical vocabulary for high-stress situations with criminals. “What’s so funny?” He asks, brow raised, smile on his face. “You are. You’re so bad with words sir..” You giggle. He leans down, gripping either side of the arms on the chair. He’s so close to you now, noses almost touching. “I am, hm? And that’s funny?” You nod. He chuckles. “I’m looking forward to getting to know you.” “Lunch right? What time?” “Lunch time.” You grimace. “Well, I assumed that much. 12 or 1?” “12:30.” “12:30 it is. I’ll mark it on your personal calendar.”

He lifts himself from his position, rounding his desk again and sitting in his chair. He stares at you longingly. “I’d suggest you get back out there. Wouldn’t want to keep the office waiting on who won that bet.” You chuckle. “Yes sir.”

Second fic rawr

This came to me in a feverish daydream

Also because of boredom

Hope you like!!

[trippinsorrows]

with me + part four

authors note: the love and response to this story continues to absolutely floor me. you guys are all so sweet! i was nervous about posting, but everyone has made me feel so happy that i did, so thank you!

couple of hints about things sprinkled through this one. the more i write, the more things are getting fleshed out, so idk how many parts this will be atp, nothing too crazy though!!!

also, some tags don't seem to work for some reason, like when i type it, the hyperlink doesn't appear so super sorry to those impacted by that!!!

warnings: angst, fluff, language, suggestive content

song inspo: with me by destiny’s child

word count: 5.8k

taglist: @pixiedust4000 @southerngirl41 @yolobloggers @msbigredmachine @wonderingfashion @shayaaaaaaa @usoholic @brokenglassslippers @gators-aid @dersha89 @southerngirl41 @empressdede

You couldn't eat. 

Couldn't sleep.

Could barely think straight.

All that consumed you, ate at you, gnawed at your sanity was one thought and one thought alone.

He wanted to take her from you. 

Joe wanted to take your daughter from you, your four year old daughter who still couldn't even go to sleep at night unless she got to see or speak to you.

The daughter who he'd only known existed just recently but was seemingly set on ripping away from you.

That thought destroyed you, made you raw from blistering agony at just the idea of not having Callie with you full time. It destroyed you to the point that you decided to throw some clothes on, hop in your car, and set your google maps for the hotel you knew he’d be staying at. Damn the fact that it was the middle of the night or that you were stupid as hell for being in that situation in the first place. None of that mattered. 

You needed to talk to him, and you needed to talk to him now. 

Joe opens the door with a forceful swing, looking as irritated and disheveled as you’d expect one to look at nearly 1am in the morning. However, when his eyes land on you, confusion meshes with irritation. “Y/N?”

“Hi.” It’s said in a breathy tone. You're struggling to remember the script you rehearsed the whole drive there. “I’m sorry. I know it’s late—”

“What the..….” He sighs heavily and steps aside, motioning for you to come in. “Get in here.”

You don’t need to be told twice, looking around the hotel room that looks so plain and undeserving of someone with Joe’s stature. But, you also know this area isn’t exactly saturated with 5 star hotels, far from it. This is probably the most elite one he could find with such short notice, and it’s not bad at all, just….basic.

He clears his throat, and you return your attention to the man who you just realized is also shirtless. If not for the pending mental breakdown you’re fighting to keep at bay, it would be extremely distracting. Joe is a lot of things, and fine as hell is at the top of that list.

“What are you doing here, Y/N?” He sounds exhausted, and you can’t tell if it’s from the argument earlier that day or being woken up in the middle of the night. Probably both. 

“I just—I need to talk to you.”

“Now?” 

Nodding, you continue. “I know….I know I messed up, okay? I should have told you, but I just—I need you to look at it from my perspective. I need you to just hear me out, and if—if you still feel the same way, then–then I’ll have to deal with that….but please.” 

He’s leaning back against the dresser, arms crossed, taking time to answer as he weighs your offer. Finally, he concedes, “you came all the way over here. I’m not just gonna send you away.”

You’re thankful for him being willing to at least hear some of what you have to say. “Callie.....she was conceived the last time we were together.” Not sure if that part was necessary or the best way to start out, you quickly move on to the next point. “I didn’t find out I was pregnant until two months later. And on top of not knowing what the fuck to feel, I barely knew what to do. I was pregnant by a married man that I’d been sleeping with for three years. A married, famous man at that. Who I finally decided I needed to move on from.” 

Revisiting this is harder than you expected, harder than when you rehearsed it on your drive here. “I was scared, Joe, okay? I was scared, so I—I did what I thought was best at that time, and clearly it was wrong. I 100% own up to that, and you get to be angry with me, but you don’t get to let that anger influence your decision making, because it is.” 

This is the part you debated so deeply on whether to say or not say, to potentially poke the already irate bear. But, you wouldn’t be you if you didn’t speak up for yourself and your daughter. “You want a legal custody arrangement, and I understand why, but—Joe, your name isn’t even on her birth certificate, but to tell you the truth…..I wanted it to be. I did.” Whether he believes you or not is on him, but it’s true. Because while he wasn't present in her life, he was still her father. Nothing would change that. “They wouldn’t do it without you present and without a paternity test—”

“I could have been there,” he interrupts, sounding more hurt than anything. “I should have been there.” 

“You’re right, but you weren’t, and I’m sorry for that too. I’m not trying to make any excuses here, just lay out facts. And the fact is that you can get a paternity test, you can establish paternity, and you can try to secure joint custody, but we both know there’s no way you can take her on. You work nonstop, Joe, and she can’t be on the road like that. She’s four for fucks sake. Calista needs stability, and she has that with me. You know I’m right.”

And you can see that he sees you’re right, the wheels turning in his head as he takes in your sound predictions.

“And I know you don’t right now, and that’s okay, but I am asking you to please trust me enough to know that I will not get in the way of you getting to know Calista. Trust that I only want what’s best for her, I’ve only ever wanted what was best for her.”

“Why should I?” Despite his words, you can see and hear the crumbling of his defenses, of the brick and mortar wall he'd erected earlier during the first round of this conversation. “What’s different now?”

“Because she asked about you.” This is the part that crushes you the most, that makes you wonder if you’ll ever be able to forgive yourself for even putting her in that situation. “Because she thinks you’re not in her life because she’s not a good girl, and I will not have my child grow up thinking she wasn’t good enough for her father to want to be in her life.”

You won’t let her grow up like you.

Period.

Having this discussion, saying these things aloud, you’re slowly starting to recognize how some of your own unaddressed issues have contributed to this situation. How your refusal to confront buried trauma has bled into another generation. It’s…..uncomfortable, to say the least.

And something you definitely need to revisit, probably sooner rather than later. Just…not right now. 

You’ve got to sort this through first.

It’s after a few minutes of silence that he finally speaks, voice surprisingly calm. “You’re right.” You let out a deep breath, nearly falling back at his words. You knew he was wavering but not to the point where he would yield. “I know….I know our situation is complicated, and I’m sorry for being so cold with you. I just—fuck, I don’t know how to process all of this.”

You cross your arms over your chest. “Neither do I, but we can figure it out, because we can’t…..we can’t put her through a custody battle. I won’t do that.” Despite your very valid facts, you also recognize that while he probably wouldn’t win, he has access to the best legal team money can buy and would outlast you in court by miles. 

You won’t say it aloud, not even sure if you can, but you’d soon rather concede than put her through that. You’d give him whatever he asked for if it meant sparing her from that trauma. 

It’s a far cry from your stance hours earlier, but time and actually thinking things through made you realize the pain you’d experience at having Callie taken from you would be nothing compared to what that experience would do to her. You know custody disputes can be long and nasty, and though she was still young, you didn’t want to find out if they would question her. 

You’d sacrifice your soul and surrender. 

You loved her enough to let her go.

“You’re right.” He repeats himself, even and calm. It’s such a stark difference for both of you compared to the blowup from earlier. There’s actual communication occurring, talking with each other, instead of at each other. Listening to hear, not to react. “I—I couldn’t do that to you. I spoke out of anger. My schedule is crazy and she needs stability. You give her that.”

There’s an insurmountable amount of relief that washes over you at his words. It’s night and day from the angry—though rightfully—man that stood before you earlier today. And you couldn’t be more grateful. 

“Thank you.” There aren’t enough words to adequately express the depth of your gratitude. Joe is well within his right to be upset, and like you said, you’ll take whatever that is, so long as the both of you can agree that Callie being with you is for the best. For her, but for you too. You won’t deny that. Your daughter is your life, and the thought of being without her, even for a period of time makes you sick to your stomach. “I–” You wipe your eyes, completely unaware that you’d been crying at one point, the tears starting to dry up. “I’m taking off work tomorrow and keeping her home. You…you can come over once I pick her up from Mariah's."

His eyes light up with appreciation that matches your own for his willingness to look past his feelings to do what’s best for your child. “Yeah?”

You offer a small smile. “I’ll probably get her around 10 and text you when you can head over.”

He nods, and the excitement in his expression warms you. It’s so strange how you can go through so many emotions in such a short time regarding the man in front of you. He always has been able to evoke things out of you that no one else could.

“Thank you, Y/N.”

The way he takes you in, assessing you, it makes you shift your weight from one foot to another. Your hoodie suddenly feels too heavy, warmth climbing up to your cheeks. “I—” You gesture to the door with your thumb. “I should head out.” 

It’s when you turn to leave that he grabs your wrist to stop you. 

“Where are you going?”

Your brow lifts at his tone and words, confused by the quick change and his hand on your arm. “Umm, home?” 

“Like hell you are.” His dismissal is firm and final as he informs, “you'll crash here tonight.” Your face must be painted in defiance, because he explains, “it's almost 2 in the morning, and you look exhausted. I'm not letting you get on the road. Anything could happen.”

“Joe—”

He lifts his hand, silencing you as he points to the middle of the room. “You can take the bed. It's uncomfortable anyway.”

Ironically, a small yawn escapes, further proving his point. You are exhausted, in several different ways. The idea of driving back home right now is not nearly as appealing as sleeping off the day's events. “Okay.” Remembering his comment, you add, “you could have picked one of those fancy hotels ya'll stay in, you know.”

“I don't think there's anything ‘fancy’ within 30 miles of here.” He's not entirely wrong, the town's local steakhouse is considered the definition of fine dining and hotspot for special occasions. 

“There were once rumors of a Hilton being built.”

He looks almost hopeful. “When was that?”

You bite down on your lip. “When I was in middle school.” A small laugh escapes at his look of exasperation. 

“You should take the bed. It's gotta be more comfortable than the alternative.” Truly, because the idea of Joe's big ass trying to sleep on a damn fold out sofa is both hilarious and tragic. “I just need a shirt.”

He looks at you. “A shirt?”

“Yeah.”

“Because…..”

Rolling your eyes, you tug at your old college hoodie. “I can't sleep in this. It's uncomfortable as hell. I dress light at night. You know—” And you stop yourself, because he shouldn’t remember that you always sleep in either a big shirt or thin top and shorts, never more, oftentimes nothing at all when he was in town.

For obvious reasons.

You’re grateful when he turns away and digs through his bag, probably the only one he took with him. He always traveled lightly. He comes back, reaching you one of his black t-shirts. 

“Thanks.” Accepting the item, you walk over to the bathroom, closing the door behind you. Standing in the mirror, you take in your appearance. Joe was being nice by saying you look exhausted, cause you look like shit, every bit of the days events, loud and blaring. Blowing out a breath, you start removing your clothes but pause when you go to remove your bra.

Is that….is that too much? You haven’t slept in a bra in years. Not since puberty randomly hit you over the summer between freshman and sophomore year, where you went from a modest A cup to a whopping D. And post Callie body definitely wasn’t a D anymore. It just seems….it seems indecorous. 

Deciding to go with safe instead of sorry, you swallow your discomfort and keep your bra on. With the hair tie on your wrist, you do your best to pineapple your hair, knowing good and well it’ll be frizzfest when you wake up but not really caring. 

Another yawn leaves your mouth as you walk out the bathroom only to turn into a scowl as you find Joe sitting on the sofa on his phone.

If it wasn’t so late and you weren’t so tired, you’d argue with him why it’s stupid of you to take the bed. He’s at least a foot taller than you. But, you don’t have it in you so just mutter “stubborn asshole,” place your folded clothes on the dresser, and climb into the bed. 

You double check your alarm is still set for the right time and lean across the bed to place it on the nightstand. There’s a comfortable silence between the two of you for a couple of minutes, your eyes closing as you try to sleep, even if for a couple of hours before you have to get back on the road. 

“What is she like?”

Your eyes open at his question, unexpected but understood. You think about it, wondering how to answer, how to explain all of the wonderful things that is your child. Finally, you settle on an answer, soft and honest. 

“You'll find out for yourself tomorrow.” And turning on your side, you murmur, “goodnight, Joe.”

He doesn’t say anything after that.

But while you sleep with the hope of believing that this can be worked out between the two of you, Joe lies awake, taking his turn with mind running a mile a minute.

He knew this would be difficult, knew it was going to get ugly to some extent, but what he didn’t expect was how impacted he'd be by seeing you again.

There was a stark difference between seeing you in photos and seeing you in person. His anger at the situation helped him to not react as strongly, but not as much as he liked or needed it to.

Because regardless of all his outrage, he’d missed you.

Even with your deception, with your deceit and all of his confusing emotions toward you in this whole situation, he missed you. 

Joe might not be ready to admit it aloud, but he’s never gotten over you. And not for lack of trying. He’d had a period where he tried to fuck away his feelings, tried to busy himself in between the legs of other women, his favorite distraction when he was in his twenties. Tried to remind himself that it was never meant to turn into anything anyway, that it wasn’t a big deal. But his efforts were fruitless and a waste of time.

He cared about you, he cared about you, arguably, more than he’d ever cared about a woman. Even….even Jadah.

The night you ended things was still a sore spot for him, still something he plays over in his head trying to make sense of. On the surface level, it’s pretty plain and simple. You wanted more, he couldn’t give it to you, so you moved on. 1+1. He was legally married for fucks sake. He couldn’t blame you for wanting more, but there was also a part of him that wondered why you didn’t just ask him for more.

Then again, that went both ways. Why didn’t he ask you for more?

It’s easy to say it was because of Jadah, because of his marriage, and that was both true and untrue. On his part, anyway. Divorce was easy in name but far from it in every other area. And for him, meant being forced to confront demons he tried his best to keep at bay. Up until two months ago, at least

Joe closes his eyes. This is all too much. 

He came here ready to confront you, and he had, in fucked up way, even if partially deserved. He came here to meet his daughter, to begin to form a bond with her, and he will do that. He just has to push the complicated feelings for you to the side and place them on the backburner until he can sort through that mess.

Calista is his priority right now. Whatever this is between you and him can be figured out later.

Hopefully. 

________

“She can be shy until she gets to know you.”

The day seems to have escaped you, getting on the road early in the morning to drive back and prepare to pick up Callie. She’s thrilled to see you, and vice versa. The two of you spend the beginning of the morning together, stopping at a local diner to share a breakfast before heading back to your apartment. You spend a little more time together, one on one, before texting Joe to head over, staying true to your word. 

Especially since he informed you that he had to fly out tomorrow morning. You expected as such, knowing he’d probably already been gone longer than higher ups liked. He could only push the limits so much. 

You don’t even have to be looking at him to know he’s nervous, an understandable but strange thing. Weird almost. Joe’s a lot of things, but nervous has never been one of them. “But once she gets comfortable, she won’t shut up.” That makes him smile, and you’re grateful for that.  Sure enough, you find Callie in her playroom, which used to be your office space, but the more spoiled she became from your mom, the more you realized her room was too small for all of her stuff. “Hey, Callie Bear.”

Callie looks up, smile bright as she runs over to you. You lean down to meet her hug. She gives the best, loving hugs. “I’m making you something, mommy.”

You gasp. “You are? Well, I can’t wait to see it.”

“It’s a surprise, so no peeking!” She lifts her little finger, wagging it in your face. Laughing, you nod and push back some of her curls. Callie’s eyes then land on Joe’s massive frame standing near the doorway, silently observing. You can see the emotions so clearly on his face: surprise, shock, happiness.

Callie’s smile dims as she moves closer to you, holding you close, her stranger danger kicking in. A small part of you is grateful that even at almost five, she knows to be cautious. Then there’s the other part of you that’s saddened at the fact that the “stranger” she’s cautious of is her own father. “Baby, this is….this is….”

“I’m Joe,” he finishes for you, and you’re both grateful and annoyed. Conflicted because a small part of you wanted to be the one to tell her, but also grateful he ironically took that responsibility off of you. “I’m an old friend of your mom’s.”

Welp.

That’s not….that’s not what you expected him to say, not what you two discussed. It wasn’t explicitly stated, but you were under the impression that they would tell her the truth. His statement isn’t exactly a lie, you did once consider Joe to be a friend, much more than that, but still. Joe’s role in Callie’s life is significantly more than that. 

This seems to ebb away some of Callie’s caution as she asks, “really?” Her eyes fall on you, almost looking for approval. With a tight smile, you nod, giving her the relief she needs to loosen her hold on you. “Do you like Disney?” That causes you to genuinely laugh, something your sweet child definitely inherited from both you and your mom was a love of Disney. 

“I do,” he answers, and you pause. Does he really? Perhaps. Regardless, it’s a smart answer for your Disney loving child. “Do you?”

Callie nods happily, grabbing your arm and twisting it to show the ‘remember who you are’ tattoo on your wrist. “Mommy and grandma have Disney tattoos, and mommy’s gonna get a Moana one for me!”

“Really?” Joe, now crouched down to be at her eye level, sounds genuinely interested, and maybe he is. Callie is impressively charismatic at only four. She’s also his daughter who he’s wanting to develop a relationship with, so it’s not far-fetched that she could be talking to him about the rate at which grass grows, and he would entertain it like he was watching a 49ers game. “You like Moana?”

Is water wet? “She’s the bestest! Right, mommy?” 

You chuckle, fixing her shirt. “She watches it almost every day.” You always found it interesting, ironic even, that your daughter instantly gravitated to Moana, unaware that the voice of freaking Maui is her cousin, that she too had pacific islander ancestry. Through her dad. The dad you kept from her. 

“You know I don’t know if I’ve seen that one—”

Callie’s mouth drops open as she looks at you, “mommy, can we watch it? Please? Please? Pleeeeaaassseeee?”

“Okay, okay, okay,” you relent after pretending to think about it. You like to limit her screentime to two hours, and even though she already watched The Princess and the Frog earlier for the 97th time this month, there was no way you were not gonna allow this bonding opportunity. 

Squealing, Callie surprises you by breaking away and moving over to Joe, reaching for his hand. “Let’s go, Joe!” She pulls on the sleeve of his hoodie, probably to lead him into the living room where Disney Plus is signed in. 

Alone in her playroom, you run over what just happened. You thought you would tell her the truth, tell her that this is the father she was asking about, the one she thought didn’t want her when in actuality, he wanted to know everything there was to know about her.

And for a second, you get pissed off. Why wasn’t Joe honest with her? Isn’t this what he wanted? To be in her life. It’s confusing. He is confusing. But….you try to give him the benefit of the doubt, certain that he must have some reason behind his actions. You just hope they’re damn good reasons.

“Mommy!” You know that tone of hers, the tone that tells you a request is to follow. 

You shout back, “yes?”

“Joe likes popcorn too! Can we have some?”

You laugh and shake your head, shouting out an ‘okay’. Walking out of the room and into the living room, you find Callie near the TV, arm outstretched as she explains every detail of Moana, even the most obvious ones. But, Joe is sitting on the sofa, watching and listening intently. His smile is stapled. 

He looks…..he looks so happy.

Moving into the kitchen, you move around quietly to not interrupt and to get their popcorn made.

Waiting for the popcorn to finish, you hear Callie ‘whisper’ to Joe, “Mommy can’t cook, but she makes good snacks.”

Amid his laughter, you walk near the living room, hands on her hips. “I heard that, little ms. ma’am.”

“That’s what Grandma says,” Callie defends with a shrug of her little shoulders. “She says mommy is pretty and smart and funny, but she burns water.” She looks off, confused, as if it’s finally registering to her that that doesn’t make sense. “Mommy, how do you burn water?”

Joe is on the sofa, hand over his mouth, fighting for his life. You also can’t help but laugh at the absolutely serious look on her face. “Finish your movie.” 

The microwave dings, so you grab two bowls and fill them up equally. Delivering them to both, you place hers on the coffee table as she’s back to narrating. “Popcorn, as requested.”

“Thank you.” Her eyes go wide with excitement as she suddenly asks, “will you watch it with us?”

Damn. You had a feeling she would ask but was hoping she wouldn’t. Disappointing her twice in one weekend felt criminal. “Callie, I'm super behind with work.”

“Pleeeeasssseeee.” She starts with the begging again and then looks at Joe to inform him, “mommy’s a teacher. Do you have a job?”

Joe chuckles. “I do.”

“What do you do?” She asks in a sing-song tone. You give him that ‘I told you she never shuts up’ look. 

“I’m a professional wrestler.”

She’s clearly intrigued, asking, “are you actually good?”

“Callie!” This little girl and her lack of filter sometimes never ceases to amaze you. Your mom swears up and down it’s your payback from how blunt you were as a child. 

You’re starting to believe it.

Joe gives a shrug, clearly loving every bit of this. You can tell he wants her to keep the questions coming. He’ll answer em’ all if it means getting to spend time with her. “I’m alright.”

At that, you give him a look and crouch down to her level. “He’s very good.” You take the remote and quickly pause the TV, adding on, “matter of fact, he’s the universal undisputed champion.” Joe gives you a look, and you can tell he’s surprised by you knowing this piece of information.

You don’t watch wrestling as much as you used to, partially due to what happened between the two of you, mostly because you don’t have the time, but even non-wrestling people know about Roman Reigns and his current, historic title reign. You’re not sure if you’d feel entirely comfortable saying it to him, but you’re massively proud of Joe and all he’s accomplished. You always knew he could do it.

Her eyes widen with excitement and curiosity as she looks at Joe for clarification. “Really?”

“That is true.” 

Head tilted, she moves away from you and climbs on the sofa to sit next to him. Her little legs crossed over as she continues with the questions. “What does undis—undis—”

He helps her out, also angling his body more toward her. “Undisputed?” 

“Yeah! What does that mean?”

You can see he’s taking a minute to decide how to answer. “It means I don’t lose. Ever.”

“Whoooaaaa,” she breathes, obviously impressed. “You must eat a lot of veggies. I don’t like them, but mommy says they make you big and strong.”

“Your mom is right,” he agrees and looks her over. “You’re a very smart little girl. How old are you again? Like 15?”

“No, I’m four!” She giggles and lifts up four fingers. “But, I’ll be five on May 19th!”

His gaze softens. “Your birthday is in May?” She nods, happily. His smile is warm, emotional. “So is mine.”

You still for a moment. You hadn’t even thought about that, that her birthday was just days away from his. There’s something strangely sweet and moving about this fact, both to you and definitely to him.

“Really?” 

And that’s how it plays out for the rest of the day, a combination of Callie’s incessant questions, intermittent viewing of Moana and parts of Encanto. Lunch and dinner sprinkled somewhere in between. You’re even able to sneak off to do your lesson planning, Callie more than fine with just Joe to entertain her.

It warms your heart to see them connect almost instantaneously.

It’s why you wait as long as you can to interrupt, never wanting to do so, to invade their moment. But, you also know your daughter, know that she needs a certain amount of sleep to function the next day. And when you check in on them and catch her yawning, you know it’s unfortunately that time.

Sighing, you enter the living room with your arms crossed. “Callie Bear, it’s time to start getting ready for bed, mamas.”

“Nooo.” She whines. “I’m not tired.” Her groggy voice and scowl would indicate otherwise. 

“Of course, you’re not.” You bend down in front of her and reach for her hand. “Come on, we gotta tell Joe bye. He’s gotta get back to his hotel.” Despite her obvious objections, she climbs off the sofa and accepts your hand but not before looking at him. 

“Will you come over again tomorrow?” She asks with hopeful eyes and a voice of excitement, both things that make being honest with her that much harder.

He obviously doesn’t want to give her the truth, but it’s better than the alternative. With a frown, he answers, “I wish….but I’ve gotta get back to work tomorrow, Callie.”

Her smile drops, and sadness arises. “Why? Do you have to go?” Her quiet voice is comprised of disappointment and despondency. You can tell it hurts him. Her hope is dashed, replaced with sadness. “When will you come back?”

“As soon as he can.” You jump in to assist, hating the way he looks so devastated not having a specific date for her. Truth be told, you wouldn’t be surprised if he won’t be able to get away for another few weeks, if not more. “And you know what, you can use my iPad to Facetime him when he’s available anytime you want.”

Her eyes light up. “Really?” 

“Of course,” he assures. He reaches to push some hair out of her face. “I’ll call you whenever I can.”

She gives him a small smile. “You promise?” 

Joe swallows. “I promise, sweetheart.” 

Pleased and obviously ecstatic at this information, she surprises the both of you by tearing her hand from you to throw her little arms around him for an unexpected hug. You’re not sure why, but the sight makes your eyes water. His eyes close as he gently wraps his arms around her as well. You look away, almost uncomfortable interrupting this moment between the two of them.

When she pulls away, you swear you see disappointment reappear in his eyes. “Bye, Joe.” 

She returns to your side, and you gently direct her, “go put on your jammies and pick out a book. I’ll be right there in a few minutes, okay?” 

“Okay, mommy.” Without protest, she turns and heads back to her room. When it’s just the two of you, you turn to him, “she really likes you.” It feels silly saying such a thing. He’s her father. She should like him. She should love him.

But you also know better than anyone that being someone’s biological parent doesn’t automatically make them a parent. 

“That’s why you didn’t tell her, isn’t it? You want to gain her friendship first.” In watching and participating in the interaction between them, it dawned on you just why he didn’t tell her right away. Joe wanted to first establish a baseline with Callie, wanted her to get to know him just for him, to bond with him not because he was her dad, but because she wanted to. 

And clearly….clearly it worked. 

“She’s amazing,” he whispers. You see he’s still caught up in the emotion of it all, meeting his daughter for the first time, connecting with her as quickly and easily as he has.

“She is,” you agree, suddenly remembering why you’d dismissed Callie. “I–I uhh, I have something for you.” Standing back up—your knees were gonna hate you tomorrow—you pull the thumbdrive out of the back pocket of your jeans. He also stands with you. “I was that new mom who was intent on documenting every single thing my kid did, and I’m kinda glad I did now.” You reach and drop it in his open palm. “I got everything on video. Her first word, first time crawling, first time walking….all of it.” Suddenly uncomfortable with his silence, you add on, “I know it’s not the same as being there, but—”

“Thank you.” he interrupts in a quiet voice, immensely grateful to you at this moment. “Thank you, Y/N.” 

Emotion seems to be the keyword of the day, because yours are also all over the place, for a variety of reasons. It’s an experience that’s both overwhelming and confusing, but also….nice? You can’t necessarily describe it, but there’s something comforting about Joe having a role in Callie’s life.

But that doesn’t equate with your decision to not tell him about her in the first place, hence why you’re a hot ass, confused mess.

He’s making you feel things again, and you don’t like it. 

“I know getting back here won’t be easy, especially with the holidays rolling around. But, whenever you can come, you’re welcome. I mean it.” Thanksgiving is less than 3 weeks away. You’re highly doubtful he’ll be touching down before then. “Christmas is her favorite holiday. I know she’d love to have you here for that.”

“I’ll be back before Christmas and for Christmas.” You don’t know how, but you do know he’s convinced of it, and you don’t put it past him. He seems entirely determined. 

“Okay.” You walk him to the door, unsure why your bodies being so close to each other is an uncomfortable yet pleasing feeling. “Oh,” you suddenly remember something. “You need to make a Snapchat account.”

He scowls almost instantly. “A what?” A small laugh escapes you at his instant disgust. “I’m too old for that shit.”

“We both are, but it’s an easy way for me to share Callie and all her randomness with people. Make it and send me the username. I’ll add you.” It seems all it takes is for you to mention Callie, and he’s sold. He nods in agreement, all distaste washed away with the eagerness of receiving photos and videos of Callie on the regular. You keep your hand on the door, chewing on your lip, murmuring, “Goodnight, Joe.” 

He gives you a look, something unspoken in his eyes. “Goodnight, Y/N.” 

Closing the door behind you, you lock it and take a deep breath, unsure why your stomach is in knots. Not from anxiety or fear but happiness. 

You’re happy to have Joe back in your life, even with all of the bullshit that’s transpired in this single day. There’s something relieving about having him around, and you know it’s for Callie. It needs to be just for Callie, because what you can never do again is allow yourself to fall back into that situation. 

No matter how badly your heart and your head are clashing right now.

No matter how much you're starting to wonder if your heart ever really left that situation.

[mountschelsea]

Enough is enough (2/2)

-not my gif-

Request- Something with mason where he stops being the hands on dad that you are used to and going out with his friends whenever he is free. You try talk to him about it and it ends in a fight. You need help so you go stay at your parents for a couple of weeks leaving mason to reflect and realise what an idiot he is. He comes to see you and sort things out and the baby is really happy to see him. Happy ending please xxx

_

You left that night. 

Mason came home a couple hours later to find a note you left him. 

Mason, 

I can’t do this anymore. I have put up with this bullshit for to long and i’m over it.You don’t care about me or your child.I need to get away from you and this situation.Eva deserves better. I deserve better. Im not going to sit around making promises to her i cant keep. Don’t reach out. I think we both need time away. I really love you and Eva does too. Goodbye Mason. 

Mason being a man obviously didn’t care that you asked him not to reach out. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and started texting you non stop. He rang and rang your phone. He left so many voicemails he fulled up your inbox and couldn’t leave anymore. 

Mason eventually fell asleep. 

You on the other hand were still driving to your parents house, you had no idea what they would say or even if they would let you stay with them. You had no other choice. You knew mason would go to every single on of your friends house looking for you. 

About an hour later you were there. Sat outside the house you left years ago not on good terms. You sat there for about 20 minutes building up the courage to ring the door bell. Finally you were ready. 

Your finger hovered over the button. As you thought for a split second ‘am i actually going to do this’. You did. 

You heard your mum shout for your dad to open the door. You were deep in your thoughts when your dads voice cut through them. 

“y/n?” He saw your red puffy eyes. He took a while taking every detail of his little girl he hadnt seen in years. Until the landed on the baby carrier. His heart dropped. ‘He was a grandad?’

“Paul whats taking so long the house is getting cold.” Your mum muttered as she came to the door. 

“Y/n baby?” She quickly noticed the baby and your crying eyes. 

“Paul go get their bags.Come in sweetie.” 

You entered everything looked the same. A few new pictures but other than that it was the same. 

“Listen mum...” you were quickly interupted. 

“Did he hurt you?” 

“Mum i can..” you were cut off again.

“Did that boy lay his hands on my little girl.” your dad butted in.

“No” you finally got out. 

“Look mum dad i will explain every thing tomorrow i just need to sleep.” just as you finished talking Eva started to cry. 

“Don’t worry y/n we can handle her you go sleep.” 

“are you sure?” 

“i’m a mum remember, we’ll be fine” 

you gave her a small smile before you left to go upstairs. 

_ 

The next day you woke up to your phone ringing. Again and again. It seems mason had informed everyone you left and told them to try get in touch’. You replied to Lauren and Sofia explaining the whole situation and they promised not to tell Dec or Kai anything. You put your phone back on the bedside table and went to brush your teeth and do your skin care. 

Just as you walked back in, your phone started vibrating. It was Mason. Again. 

You don’t know what came over you put you answered. 

“Y/n?” Mason said letting out a long breath. 

“Mason i told you I needed space”

“Y/n please I’m sorry just come home”. 

“No Mason I told you...” you were cut off by mason desperately speaking again.

“I know what you said, but I cant do this without you. Without Eva. Please. I know i messed up. I’m sorry. I’ll change.”

“Mason you know I can’t.”

“Where are you guys. I’ll come. We’ll talk. We can get through this.” 

“I’m not telling where we are Mason. I’ve told you so many times. I need time and space.”

“Well I’m sorry for not want my child to stay in some random hotel.” 

“We’re not in a hotel.”

“Come on Y/n, I’ve been to everyones house looking for you. Cut the bullshit.” 

“NO MASON! YOU CUT THE BULLSHIT! OUR DAUGHTER IS SAFE AND HAPPY, SHE HASN’T EVEN ASKED FOR YOU ONCE! YOU ACT AS IF I’M TAKING HER AWAY FROM YOU WHEN YOU WERE NEVER THERE AT HOME. WE WILL TALK WHEN I WANT TO TALK.” You snapped at him before ending the call. 

It wasn’t your ideal start to the day but what could you do. 

You decided to go downstairs to get something to eat. You came down to Eva laughing at your Dad pulling funny faces and your mum cooking. 

_

You have been at your parents a week now. You explained the whole thing to them expecting a ‘I told you so’ but all you got back was an apology. They said sorry for everything. For losing touch, for the way they acted the night you left and for not coming to your wedding. 

You finally had decided to go home. 

You packed up your’s and Eva’s things. You had an emotional goodbye with your parents and promised to stay in touch and then you were finally on the road again. 

About an hour had past and you were pulling into the driveway of your’s and Mason’s shared home. You saw his car parked out side which meant he was in. You turned the car off and hesitantly got out. You were to tired to get your stuff out now so you only brought Eva’s baby bag. 

You unlocked the door to see Mason stood there, he looked as if he hadn’t slept since you left. Eva was asleep as you carefully placed her carrier down. You shut the door behind you and you stood there for what felt like years but was only seconds.

Suddenly Mason started walking towards you and quickly grabbed you into the tightest hug ever. You went to speak before mason got there before you. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t live without you. I need you. You and Eva are all i will ever need. I’m a stupid idiot. I was selfish and I can 100% see why you left but I can never live without you, so please forgive me. Please give me a second chance. I will never ever disrespect you ever again. I love you so much, I need you to survive.” 

You stared at him for a moment before speaking. 

“You are an idiot, but I love and need you too.”

_ Veryyy rushed and not proofread but i need more requests so please send some xx

[specialagentlokitty]

Mr Bell x Student!reader - my support

So basically the reader got adhd and no of the teacher understand the reader adhd only mr bell does so if you got anything wrong you always go to see mr bell and you always getting into trouble and you always work out your lesson to go to mr bell office - Anon💜

You sighed as you listened to the teacher telling you off once again for getting all the answers on the worksheet wrong.

A few students snickered and they all watched you.

“Well, do you have any excuse for this?” She snapped at you.

“I thought it was something else…” you grumbled.

“This is math! You wrote the entire history of how Christmas originated!” She yelled.

“Well I know that now!” You huffed.

She shook her head and took your paper, tearing it in half, throwing it in the bin and she marched over, slamming another on the desk in front of you.

“Answer the MATH questions.”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid.” You warned.

“Well, if you can’t do some simple question it’s no wonder you have the worst grades I’ve seen.”

And that was the final straw for you, standing up, you just walked out of the room.

You never brought a bag with you anyways, so you headed to your locker to get your drink, then you just wondered the hallways.

You debated what to do, but you didn’t want to get into any more trouble, and there was only one teacher who was able to help you. So you headed down the hallway.

Walking into the PE office, you found Mr Bell wasn’t there, so you simply sat down at his desk and began to look through everything until you found the tennis ball.

You spent the whole lesson sat there throwing the ball at the wall and watching it while you waited.

“I can hear you throwing that down the hallway (Y/N).”

You stopped, looking to the doorway.

He set the bag down and closed the door, leaning against the wall as he looked at you.

“Again? Really?”

“I can’t help it, sometimes they just.. they piss me off you know..?”

“Don’t swear, but I do understand. But you realise you can’t just keep walking out of all these situations (Y/N).” He sighed.

“I don’t know what else to do sir, if I don’t I might make it worse.”

He sighed a little, walking over to take a seat on his desk, picking up the tennis ball to throw to you so you could play catch.

“Well, we had a plan in place didn’t we?”

“I’m supposed to use my hall pass and asked someone to contact you or Mrs Carter.”

“Exactly, that way I can come get you, or Mrs Carter can take you somewhere to wait for me.”

You huffed a little and threw the ball as hard as you could against the wall.

“It’s not fair!” You snapped.

“Woah, okay.” He said sternly.

He got up and walked over, pulling a chair over so he could sit in front of you.

“I know it isn’t fair, but you can’t react like this. You’ll get yourself into more trouble.”

You quietly nodded your head.

“Remember when you feel angry or frustrated, don’t lash out, redirect it. Take a walk, scribble on some paper, whatever works for you as long as it isn’t shouting, swearing or throwing things.”

“Sorry sir…”

He smiled at you and raised his hand.

You gave him a high five and he leant back in his chair.

“How about we try something different.”

“What?”

“Boxing, I’ll train you after school, you can use it to work everything out, how does that sound?”

You thought about this for a moment.

You knew a lot of people turned to exercise or something similar to help them, and so far not much else was working for you.

So you nodded your head.

“Okay, I’ll try it yeah.”

“Awesome, come on then, we’ll get an early lunch and see Mrs Carter before she starts a manhunt for you.”

You laughed a little and followed him out of the office, jogging slightly ahead of him as you tried to slap the fire exit signs and tried to touch the ceilings.

Mr Bell chuckled as he watched you, this was the side of you many teachers didn’t see.

They saw you as disruptive and a lost cause, but if they took the time, they’d realise you were basically just a ball of energy who needed more engagement and more to do.

You were simply bored, and you needed some way to redirect all this energy you had to hold back

[max33imagines]

17. ‘I know you still love me.’ Part 4 – max Verstappen X Reader.

Finally here’s the next instalment of ‘I know you still love me’ ! Thank you so much for the support and the patience with me on this one! Part 5 is out now!

Tags: @enjoymyloves​

This is shorter than my other parts but nonetheless... things are going down.. and Y/n has some things to sort out.. 

Previous parts - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 

“You never answered my text.” Kelly. Her voice instantly went through you. It always did. 

You didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as you looked at Max, he was stood there like a deer in headlights as he switched his vision between the two of you. 

“Oh is that Y/n in there? So nice to finally meet you! I’m Kelly, I’ve heard so much about you!” Kelly has pushed herself past Max and greeted you with a hug. Your arms glued to your side mainly in shock as you tried to assess the situation as quickly as you could. 

Max was adamant he didn’t cheat on you. Yet here she is now. In his hotel room, questioning why he hasn’t answered her. Do you stay calm? Should you start crying now or later? Are you still just overthinking this entire situation? 

“What are you doing here?” Max said to Kelly through gritted teeth. 

“Well I think I’ve got the answer to my text, its so nice to see you both back together! Max was in a state Y/n, you should’ve seen him!” Kelly laughed. 

Both you and Max stayed quiet. You couldn’t work out what was going on and Max was quite clearly panicking. What did she text him? 

“Well I’m sorry to bother you both, Y/n I’d love to get to know you properly, I’ll message you? I think I follow you on instagram?” You just nodded, not looking at her so you could keep your eyes on Max. Max’s glance didn’t leave Kellys as she walked past him and out of the door that he was still holding. 

“Let me explain-“ 

“What did she text you?” You asked. Max was scrambling for words, you couldn’t bare to have him lie to your face once again. 

“Y/n, please. Let me just-“ You pushed past him and ran down the corridor of the hotel towards the elevator, hoping one person would give you an honest answer for once. 

“Kelly!” You shouted. You instantly felt crazy running after this beautiful woman whilst you were in Max’s baggy clothes. 

Kelly turned to you but you hadn’t really thought this through. If you ask what she texted Max then you will sound crazy, but you know you’re not going to get a straight up answer from Max. 

“Are you okay, Y/n?” She asked. You heard Max running up to the two of you before he just stood there waiting to hear what you were going to say. Memories of how good you and Max filled your brain before being overshadowed by the hurt he caused you, how broken he’s made you feel. Do you just trust Max and go back into the room with him or do you attempt to find out the truth? 

“Did you sleep with him?” The words slipped from your mouth, not thinking it through but clearly your subconscious brain needs to know the answer. 

“Are you sure you want to know that?” Kelly asked. 

“Y/n, don’t do this, come back inside.” Max said, putting his hands on your shoulders from behind you in an attempt to get you to follow him. Your mind was racing, the walls of the corridor were getting smaller and you were getting hotter and hotter. You shoved Max off of you, not looking away from Kelly. Her face gave everything away. 

“Y/n, I uh- we uh-“ 

“Shut the fuck up Kelly!” Max shouted, hitting the wall next him. 

“Let her talk. Did you? Did you sleep with him?”

“Listen, I think there are certain things that would be better to hear them from Max.” Kelly began fumbling through her handbag as Max was pacing with his hands on his head. Both of them were panicking. You’ve clearly already got your answers. 

“Here’s my number. Talk to Max, if you feel like he isn’t telling you the truth or isn’t telling you the whole story, call me.” She gave you a small piece of paper before getting into the elevator. 

“FUCK YOU!” Max screamed as the elevator doors closed. You didn’t notice you were crying until Kelly had gone. You turned to face Max to see he was also in a fit of tears. 

You’ve seen Max’s every emotion, but you wasn’t quite sure what this one was. The fact he was crying and screaming at Kelly, hitting walls was a good indication that you were wrong to believe him. 

“Y/n, please, please, I’ll tell you everything, just please don’t leave me here.” You ignored him as you went back towards the room, it was a short way, not long enough to decide whether you should just grab your stuff and leave or actually stay and hear him out. 

When you got to the door you’d realised you need to wait for Max regardless to open the door. Once he did you began picking up your things, you’ve given him too many chances. How could you be so stupid, you thought to yourself. 

“Move Max.” He was stood in front of the door like an over emotional security guard, something you feel you’d laugh at but for now, you just felt numb. 

“Not until we talk.” 

“And are you really going to tell me the truth? Because to swear Max I’ll go to her and get it all. I can’t keep doing this with you. You ask me to trust you on another lie!” You were emotionally worn out, you were hoping all of the scenarios you’ve created in your head are much worse than what Max is going to attempt to tell you. 

“I’ll tell you everything. Just please come and sit down.” Max softly grabbed your arm as he sat on the edge of the bed but you pulled away, not wanting to waste any more time here than you needed to. 

“I’m fine standing.” Max sighed and nodded. 

“I’m sorry Y/n. I am. You need to understand I really did think there was something going on with you and your boss, and I know, I know how stupid I sound. I know I should’ve just spoke to you. She was a shoulder to cry on which just.. got carried away and I regret it every day Y/n. I regret how much I’ve hurt you. I hate myself for doing this to you. For doing this to us. I wish it never happened-“ 

“Get on with it Max.” You spat. Not caring for his fake apologies or however he’s trying to justify what he’s done. That’s not what you need to know right now. 

Max began telling you about what really happened during the period you were broken up, how he did sleep with Kelly that night, how it was her that had invited him and not the guys. He knew she’d be there unlike the version of events he told you. He told you how he thought of you. How he’d regret what he was doing, but he still done it anyway. You felt even more numb than you did before as you attempt to listen to him tell you what really happened, whilst you were sat at home thinking of him, crying over him, blaming yourself for this, he was fucking her. 

“Why did you lie?” You whispered, not trusting your voice if you were to speak at a normal volume. 

“I can’t lose you Y/n, I can't. I’m sorry, you’re everything to me Y/n, you know that? Please just tell me what I need to do to fix this, I'll do anything, fuck, I’ll even stop racing for you if it meant we can work through this somehow.” 

“Why did you lie to me?” You asked again. Max was a rambling mess at this point, you kind of thought it made no sense. He cheated on you, he knows what he's done, he’s just sorry it’s all coming out now. 

“I don’t want to hurt you Y/n, I never want to hurt you. What I said, what I told you had happened, that’s how I wish it happened. I know that means nothing, I know that sounds stupid, but I can’t bare this Y/n. I hate myself for what I've done to know, how much I've hurt you-”

“When did this start? When did you start seeing her?” You could hardly speak, you didn’t know if it was the shock or because of the tears that fell down. Max shook his head before looking up at you through his tear stained eyelashes.

“Please Y/n, I love you, only you. I can’t do this without you, you know I can’t. I’d take this all back if I could -“ 

“How long Max?” It was your turn to talk through gritted teeth. You felt yourself tense, almost bracing yourself for his answer. 

“A few months.” Barely above a whisper Max admits. 

You let out a breath you didn’t realise you were holding, not caring anymore about how much you were crying. You were hurt. Your heart has been ripped apart by the one person you’ve ever truly loved. 

“All the time you accused me of cheating, and it was you all along? How could you do this to me? To ME? Of all people Max. I’ve been there for you, I’ve supported you when no one else would. I’ve listened to you when no one else would. I’ve been the one person to stand by you throughout everything. I mean look at me. Here I am giving you a second chance after you lied to my face! How could I be so stupid.” You slightly laughed at yourself. 

“You know, everyone told me this would happen. That you’d do this to me. And do you know what I’d say? I’d say, ‘my Max would never do that. He wouldn’t treat me like that.’ Look how wrong I was with that one! You won Max. You broke me. You proved everyone right.” You grabbed your things and began to leave, not wanting to stand there looking at him anymore. 

“Y/n, please-“ 

“Leave me alone Max! Don’t you think you’ve hurt me enough? Please, please leave me alone.” You walked out of the room, you leant against the wall as you sobbed into your hand, attempting not to make any noise in the corridor. You hope he gave you the entire truth. You had heard enough at this point. Even if there was more to know, he cheated on you and he lied to you. Nothing can be worse than that. 

It felt like a long walk back to your apartment. Back to square one, let the heartbreak start again, you thought. You phone was crowded with messages and missed calls from Max. You quite simply turned it off and laid on your bed. You were somewhat excited to see Max again today. You were still hurting, still unsure whether to trust him or not. But he’s your love. You’ve practically dedicated your life to him. You don’t really have anyone here in Monaco.. should you just move back home? Your mind races with questions you feel you’ll never get the answer to. Why you? What did you do? Was it your fault? Did you really push him into her open arms? Your head ached from crying, you were sick of crying. When heartbroken you get to a point where your head stops caring, you want to stop thinking of them, you want to stop caring for them, longing for them. But your heart always knows what it wants. 

You sat up, getting changed into your own clothes, instantly throwing Max’s into the small bin you had in your bedroom. Maybe taking something for your headache might be a good idea to help you get some sleep tonight. You were tired of being tired, you thought. You once again slightly laughed at yourself. How your life has come to this. You grabbed some tablets and some water from the kitchen, leaning against the counter whilst looking at the calendar hanging on the wall. You quickly took the tablets, washing it down with a gulp of water before slamming the cup down, you ran over to the calendar to make sure what you were seeing was correct. You turned the kitchen light on and took the calendar off the wall trying to work it all out in your head. You can’t be, you must have the date wrong. Fuck. 

You were late. You rushed to the bathroom, slamming all the drawers and cupboard open, frantically trying to find a test that you know you have laying about somewhere. 

Waiting for the result was the longest three minutes you’ve ever encountered. This will make everything even more complicated, you thought to yourself. Can you really go back to Max? Does he even deserve to be a part of a childs life? Can you ever trust him again? Can he really stay loyal? Oh fuck, please be negative. Your hands shook as you picked up the test, not wanting to look but also wanting to see immediately. 

Two lines.. You were pregnant.

What the fuck do you do now..? 

*********************************************

[facewithoutheart]

Personal update after the break ❤️ heed the tags

I’ve always been a bit of a TMI mess so just throwing this out there because a) I like people knowing this but hate updating people individually and b) it’s helping me process.

At the end of my 2.5 week South American vacation with my husband I came down with what I thought as food poisoning. (Or, at the very very start, acute hatred of crowds at museums.) Anyway I went back to our hotel and started puking for about 18 hours. Which was a problem, given we were meant to go home the next day. Eventually my husband agreed with me that I was not getting better and we delayed our flight for another day.

On Jan 3 at about 3pm I finally felt normal. Like, I got an appetite. It was amazing. I sent my husband on a mission to bring me food and took a celebratory nap.

This is likely when my appendix burst.

I woke up in severe pain. Like. Severe. 6 or 7 on the pain scale. We waited all night but nothing made it better. Eventually my husband got me dressed and ready for the flight because a) we still thought this was a really bad case of food poisoning (I made him google appendicitis since the pain was that bad but nothing we read made it sound like that’s what I was experiencing.) and b) whatever was hurting me we wanted to be back in our own country where we had access to more resources and spoke the same language. My husband can speak some Spanish, but struggles with vocabulary, and this wasn’t a situation where we wanted to miss things in translation.

I was under the delusion that if I could just curl up in my own bed everything would be better.

Onward through a bumpy cab ride, pre-customs (where I had to sit on my luggage to not pass out… keep in mind I’d barely eaten anything besides some water and Colombian pedialyte for 2.5 days), get through security, walk to the gate (by this point every movement of my feet felt Sisyphean), get through a second, special, just for me baggage check where I had to take off and put my shoes on (seriously cannot overstate how painful that was), and then suffer through a 6 hour turbulent flight. All without looking sick because we were afraid they wouldn’t fly us home if I looked sick.

Ok! So now we’re back in the states. I am holding on for my comfy bed (remember: delusionally). We get through US customs in a surprisingly efficient manner, then head for our Lyft with Larry. Oh, Larry. He was the world’s slowest driver, bless him.

We get home, I pout at the bed until my husband put the sheets on, and then immediately flopped onto them.

And did not feel better. Worse, actually.

After being betrayed by the bed that was meant to cure me, I made more sad noises at my husband until we decided to call in the A team: my sister, the nurse.

She didn’t answer.

So I called my mom. Or, I called my mom and made my husband talk to her while I continued to make sad noises. We all have our coping mechanisms. She told us to go to urgent care, which is a shock if you know my mom. She’s minimized my illnesses my whole life so when she said, “Christina doesn’t complain about being sick until she’s really sick so maybe you should get it checked out.” Then my sister called back and helped talk us into a stand-alone ER which has facilities much like a standard ER but much faster and with a private room.

That’s probably the purpose of this whole story so holding it again: I don’t think I’m being dramatic when I saying going to a stand-alone ER (in the US) saved my life. Or at least helped avoid an invasive longer recovery surgery. To find one, you’re basically looking for an ER associated with a main hospital group, but not inside the main hospital compound. They’re a little hard to find so that’s the best I can do.

Ok so onward to the stand-alone ER. I’ll remind you at this point we’re still operating under the idea that I have really bad food poisoning, maybe severe dehydration. We get to the ER, check in, get taken back to the room, sing our story for some IV fluids, and I even got a warmed up blanket.

Heaven, if you ask me.

Fast-forward: they do a series of tests on me and conclude that my appendix has ruptured, possibly some time ago, and it’s imperative that I get surgery. Like, appendix where are you? They can’t even see it lol. They do double check my gall bladder just in case, which is another common problem FYI keep that in mind people who were born female.

Now the only question is whether or not I get a bed. Keep in mind I’m sitting pretty. The warm blankets, remember? The hospitals nearby are all full. People in the hallways waiting for care. Not ideal! The doctor tells his own horror story about his father being unable to find a room in a hospital to wait for surgery that will come 🤷‍♀️. (Coincidence: this doctor was Peruvian so that was fun! Since we’d just been.)

Luck is on my side because there’s a surgeon who will take me straight to the operating room. I get an ambulance ride (no sirens ☹️) but I do have a fun, chatty EMT who gawks at the number of ambulances stuck in the ambulance dock at the hospital to which I’m transferred. (Another bonus: the hospital is five minutes from my house.)

I pretty much immediately go into surgery. “Teetering” is the word the surgeon used about how bad I was doing. My husband estimated that I likely wouldn’t have survived another 24 hours in that condition. Fun times! Something to process later.

Moving on. I’m two days post-op, feeling great (great enough to write this!) and I’ve moved onto clear liquids, which is so awesome you guys. JELLO! ON PRESCRIPTION! I had a grape slushee yesterday, things are swinging back my way. I do have recovery issues (need to poop ☹️ need to get my ng tube removed ☹️☹️☹️ need to be able to blow a little green tube until it reaches 2,000 or something), but I’ve reached a stage where recovery is measurable so omfg my engineer husband is so happy. He has notes. He is getting a whole thrill out of making doctors explain things to him like he’s an idiot. Aside from the fact, you know, his wife’s appendix tried to kill her or whatever and the fact he’s got to actually go into the grocery store.

Meanwhile I get to measure my success in farts, which is really fun. The surgeon was like “I know you ladies don’t like talking about gas” and I was like “sir you saved my life with minimally invasive surgery but I cannot begin to tell you how little I care about talking about farts. Farts, farts, farts.” And then tried to see if we knew any of the same doctors so he’d pull my ng tube faster. No dice. He used this thing called “logic” and also “your belly was full of puss that I had to suck out so maybe do what I say” blah blah blah (no seriously I am super grateful for him; modern medicine, hospital system mess aside, is a marvel and I’m so happy I live in a world where a laparoscopic surgery was able to treat my issues with minimal side effects).

Anyway, that’s my story! Appendixes: sleeping nightmares, apparently. Lurking. Even when you’re 36 and way past appendicitis phase if you ask me. Way more trendy for a woman my age to have gall bladder issues.

Also: props to every man who said there’s no way a man would ever let this issue get as bad as I did because of my insane pain tolerance 🤣 like, thanks for the shout-out but I could do without the hospital stay.

Second shout out to my amazing husband who has been such a champ, getting me things, pushing doctors for answers, advocating for me, and also taking time to slap my ass every time I accidentally flash him with my very sexy hospital gown. He knows how to make me feel both cared for and alive. Ugh I’m gonna cry just thinking about how grateful I am to him. I won’t even make fun of him for WALKING INTO A SONIC SERIOUSLY WHO DOES THAT YOU ANIMAL but I will tease him for googling appendix and saying, “Do you know they don’t even know what the purpose of an appendix is?” Like. Honey. Yes, everyone knows that. But I pretended to be surprised anyways because, like I said. Champ.

Also my husband said my lung exercise machine looks like it has “a dick” which was exactly what I was thinking. Fist bumps. Never grow up.

The end!

[deanstead]

Pieces (21): i believe in you

Chapter 21: I believe in you

Chapter Summary: Collectively, Jay and Y/N both take steps forward.

Word Count: 1,686

Warnings: none

A/N: We are heading towards the end already! I feel like the last few chapters mostly are trying to wrap up stuff and included time jumps but I still hope you guys will enjoy it!

SERIES MASTERLIST || JAY HALSTEAD MASTERLIST

Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

“Marry me.”

The words bounced around the apartment and you froze. Now, that you hadn't been expecting. And you didn’t know what to feel right about now. The sense of relief and security that came with knowing that Jay had always planned for and wanted a future with you and Chloe, or the tingle that the word ‘marry’ sent through your body half like a warning signal.

You looked up at Jay, who was sitting next to you, holding both your hands in his, as he looked back at you.

“Jay, I…” You paused.

Jay shifted just a little. “Listen, Y/N. I know maybe it sounds crazy. Trust me, I had a whole idea of how I would do it, about waiting maybe a little longer, about making a big deal out of it and taking you and making it at least twice as romantic as now. But right now, I know this is it. This is the future, our future. It’s you, Chloe and me.”

You took a deep breath.

“It took a long time for me to finally get back on my feet, to slowly put the pieces of mine and Chloe’s life back together again and I stopped believing, Jay. I stopped believing in marriage.”

You paused, as you watched Jay’s face fall, even though you knew he was struggling to keep it straight.

“But I believe in you.” You whispered.

Jay looked up again. “Is that a yes?”

Your smile was all the answer he needed. “Okay, wait. Don’t say anything.” Jay said hurriedly, letting go of your hands and pushing his chair back enough for him to slide onto one knee.

Jay pulled out a ring that he must have had with him this entire time. “Y/N, will you marry me?”

You laughed. “Yes, Jay. I’ll marry you. Probably a good idea to marry this little one’s father too.”

Jay froze. “What?”

“I’ve been freaking out about how to tell you for a week. I didn’t want things to change. I was afraid this might not be what you want, I was afraid that it would push you to move things along when you weren’t ready, I was afraid you’d ask me to marry you just because I’m pregnant.” You were talking so fast, it was like the words were coming out of your mouth in a rush. “But now I know.”

It was true. You could barely stand on your own with just Chloe but you were so afraid that Jay would make decisions based on what he should do, rather than what he truly wanted. But you should really have known better.

The smile that spread across Jay’s face was infectious as he got up, leaning over to pull you into a deep kiss, one of his arms pulling you against him, his other hand gently caressing the side of your face.

“When did you…” Jay asked as he pulled away, the happiness almost flowing out of his entire being, like a radiant light.

You smiled. “I’ll tell you. All of it.”

The next hurdle was trying to explain this whole situation to Chloe.

You’d decided to take things slow so on one of those slow nights when Jay was home, you’d sat Chloe down. “Hey sweetheart, can I talk to you about something?”

Jay turned just a little from where he was in the kitchen but didn’t come out and you sat on the floor next to Chloe.

“I wanted to ask you about Jay.” You said, crossing your legs on the floor.

Chloe looked up from what she had been doing.

“What do you think if we all move in together?” You prompted gently.

Chloe frowned and you felt a momentary worry bubble up in your chest until she spoke. “Jay lives here.”

You bit your lip to stop yourself from laughing aloud. Chloe was right. Jay practically lived here, his bed back at his apartment probably hadn’t been slept in for months.

“Well, yes. But we were thinking of a more permanent place. We’d find a bigger place. If you’re okay with it.”

Chloe turned her head to look at Jay. “Forever?”

You glanced at Jay, who stepped out of the kitchen, hanging the cloth he was using over one of the chairs. “Yeah, you okay with that?” Jay asked Chloe directly, heading towards the both of you and settling himself on the floor next to her.

Chloe turned her head back to look at you. “And he won’t leave? Ever?”

You exhaled slowly. You would never forgive Caleb for doing this to Chloe.

“Never, kiddo. What do you say?”

Chloe broke into a smile. “I love you, Jay.” She announced like an answer, getting up to go give Jay a hug, the unspoken words flowing out from that simple sentence and Jay pulled an arm around her, exchanging a smile with you as you felt the sense of relief flood through you. A conviction that everything was going to be good from now on.

You held off on breaking the news of the pregnancy to Chloe, figuring you’d give her time to get used to a new shift of dynamics. Although maybe she was so used to either waking up to Jay’s breakfast or going to sleep after Jay tucked her in that it just felt like the three of you fell back into a normal routine.

You’d continued the conversation in little short bits, talking to her about the fact that you and Jay were going to get married, and answered her questions. Jay had started apartment hunting which as far as you knew hadn’t been going too well until he told you that he had somewhere to take you and Chloe to that weekend.

It was a nice house, stairs leading up to a nice porch and you figured you were here to see someone although you didn’t understand the mystery. Until Jay opened the door to an empty house.

You glanced at him. “What do you think?”

“What do I… Jay, are you serious?” You asked, stepping inside to a house you’d only dreamed of.

“Not too far Chloe, and be careful.” Jay reminded, as Chloe ran in to explore, only getting a yell of ‘Okay!’ in response.

He turned back towards you and smiled. “I know this guy. So, it’s ours if we want it. I bargained for some time.”

“Can we afford this?” You asked, moving further in.

It wasn’t a huge house, but it would be a nice fit for four, at least. “Don’t get my hopes up otherwise.” You warned with a smile.

Jay smiled back. “I’ll tell him we’ll take it.”

You moved closer to Jay as he enveloped you into a one-armed hug. “Home sweet home.” Jay whispered, pressing a kiss to your temple.

Between preparing for the wedding and moving into your new place, the days melded into weeks and months. Everyone was excited about the wedding and you'd kept the pregnancy as quiet as you could for a while.

But before you knew it, the day was here.

It was supposed to be a small, intimate wedding but what with Intelligence, your friends at Med, and even some of the people from Firehouse 51, it had grown to be just slightly larger than what you’d originally planned for. But it still kind of qualified as the intimate wedding you’d wanted, in a small church with only the people who knew and cared about the both of you.

“It was like a magical power that drew me to you and until this moment I can’t explain it. What I do know is this is what I want - you, me, Chloe.” Jay paused, turning to glance at your daughter sitting next to Will and smiled at her. You knew he was thinking about the little one growing in you now as well, but because you hadn’t had the talk with Chloe he kept it back.

Will lifted Chloe off the chair, nodding at her to join the two of you in the front before Jay continued, looking straight at Chloe. “I will spend the rest of my life loving, protecting and caring for my girls. Forever.”

Chloe smiled, reaching over to hug Jay and you took a deep breath, holding back the tears before you smiled back at Jay.

“I was sure the pieces of my broken heart and life were never going to be put back together again. But you took me anyway, broken pieces and all. You loved us, more than I ever thought possible and you put us back together. I’m much more me when I’m with you, and you are the reason I can feel whole again. I love you.” Your voice was low but it filled the whole church.

The minister smiled. “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

Jay picked Chloe into his arms before he leaned over, his hand gently tracing the line of your jaw and he kissed you, sealing the promise with Chloe squashed between the two of you, her giggles mixing with the cheers that erupted from your friends.

The after party was held at Molly’s, and even while you’d been busy with everyone else coming to congratulate you and Jay, you knew you didn’t have to worry about Chloe. Between Connor and Ethan coming to give you hugs of congratulations, or even Intelligence coming over to tell you that Jay was lucky to have found you, you could hear your daughter’s tinkling laughter resound through the bar.

The whole time, Chloe would be sitting in someone’s arms, throwing her head back to admire the twinkling lights streaking across the ceiling that she was fascinated by. You smiled, sure she felt as loved in this moment as you did. Even when she turned quiet, you’d turned to see her sleeping soundly on Will’s shoulder and Will had nodded at you not to worry. Jay pulled you against him, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“I love you.” He whispered.

You entwined your fingers and smiled. “I love you.” You whispered back.

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[youmakemyhearthowl]

Punk Princess

Ao3| Part 1| Part 2| Part 3| Part 4| Part 5 | Part 6| Part 7| Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10| Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 (Next Part)

One of the things Eddie hates about Saturdays is when all the guys are busy doing things with their family, and Wayne works second shift instead of third, so Eddie’s just stuck in a tin box with his thoughts all day.

So he actively makes plans to rectify that. 

It takes him 20 minutes to find the phone book and track down Robin's number, cursing up a storm as he tears apart the kitchen drawers to find it. Humming in surprise when he stumbles upon the special K he bought once to try from Rick and had promptly forgotten existed after the first bump. He ends up shuffling into his room to stash it somewhere Wayne won’t find it, before finally stumbling upon the phone book, shoved under one of the tables legs to keep it from wobbling. Eddie vaguely remembers a drunk, excited rant with Gareth one day where he’d accidentally tripped and caused a whole avalanche of things to fall on him and then him onto the table, effectively snapping a few inches off the table leg.  He giggles at the memory as he punches in Robin's phone number, humming Metallica as he waits for her to answer. 

He’s not sure if it’s the best idea to see if Robin wants to hang out, because he’s at least sixty percent sure she’s still mad at him in some capacity, but he wants to take her out to milkshakes as a proper thank you for opening his eyes to the fact that, yea he hadn’t just been an asshole, he’d really done something harmful to Steve. 

Eddie was still getting used to having friends that he hadn’t known his whole life.

He was still getting used to having friends that were still learning him and he was still learning in return. He realizes now that a lot of the way he reacted was biases he’d let himself get sucked into over the years, even though he preached non conforming and breaking the molds. Uncle Wayne was the perfect example of someone who was one thing once, and had changed for the better- Although, Eddies fairly certain, uncle Wayne was always a good guy, even when he was a jock. And that was a good lesson for Eddie to latch onto.

And even though Steve had accepted Eddie's apology and they had talked, Eddie was going to spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to Steve. Because in Eddie’s long learned biases he’d forgotten to think of people as people , as individuals that could be more than one thing. And Steve had proven over and over he wasn’t who he used to be, and Eddie had shat all over that. So for as long as he lived, or until Steve realized Eddie was just as bad as some of the people he pretended to hate and ditched him (Steve was too kind to ever do that, Eddie knew) he would spend all that time, weaving his promise and apology into everything he was. Because at the very least Steve deserved that. Although Eddies started to see that Steve really deserved so much more- The world really. 

“Yello’, Red Bird here.” Robin's voice rings in his receiver pulling Eddie from his thoughts and he chuckles.

“Red Bird?”

“Oh Eddie, hi, I thought you were Steve.” Her voice isn’t necessarily unkind, but it has a lack of friendliness to it that Eddie can detect. 

“Hey Robin, uh.. I’ll pick you up in 10 and we can get milkshakes? I really need to talk to you.” There’s a long pause after he finishes, Robin making a soft humming noise like she's debating really hard about what to say in return when an over exaggerated sigh crackles to his ears.

“You buy, and maybe I’ll hear you out, Munson.” There's finally a friendliness in her tone again when she responds, and Eddie fist bumps the air slightly in celebration. Offering her a short goodbye before scavenging around the mess he made in the kitchen to find his keys, cheering triumphantly when his fingers latch onto them. 

When they get to the diner and are situated in one of the far back booths away from all the other people chattering, Robin seems to completely deflate before his eyes. Dropping the angry silent glare she’d been shooting him the whole drive over. 

“I’m electing to trust you with him Eddie, and I’m not really confident in that decision, but for whatever reason you make his little punk heart happy, and it’s not my place to stand in the way of that.” She’s staring at the menu in front of her like it’s what personally offended her as she speaks, before looking up at him and holding his gaze. “I like you Eddie, I always have, you’re different and out there and one of the freaks like I’ve always been. But you’ve got a real thick head sometimes. Steve isn’t like me and you.” She places the menu on the table in front of her, sliding it over so Eddie has time to look for what he wants before the waitress comes. Eddie goes to answer, wanting to reassure her he gets it now and he really does want to do better, when she holds up a finger to stop him. “Steve is… softer. He doesn’t seem it, and you’d never really be able to tell from who he used to be, but that was a very carefully crafted mask and shield that he worked on so people didn’t see the vulnerability there and use it against him. But Steve’s- sensitive, in a lot of ways that you, and even I haven’t gotten to fully see yet. So I need to know that I can trust you with him, because if you aren’t sure, on being his friend or anything else for that matter, then you need to leave him the fuck alone right now.” 

Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever seen Robin talk that much before that wasn’t just rambling on, thoughts going a mile a minute and he’s taken aback by it slightly. Taken aback by the fierce fire in her eyes as she talks about Steve, her shoulders squared like she's genuinely ready to deck him if he says the wrong thing.

“Steve’s important to me, and I intend to spend a really long time making it up to him and proving it to him.” Is what Eddie settles on saying, shaking off the sentences about how he’d rip his own heart out and give it to Steve if it meant he could prove just how much he meant it when he said it. That was probably too intense too soon and he’s not sure how Robin would react to it. She looks at him for a second, taking in his words and seeming to weigh them in her head before she nods.

“I really hope you mean that, Eddie. You didn’t see him, at the beginning of this transformation he’s going through. But he’s given up a lot to try and be a better person, and truly be himself. He.. he didn’t have a lot before, but he lost things that in a lot of ways are important, and he’s tried really hard to stay on the right path.” She looks down at her hands, her voice growing quiet and soft, “He was in really bad shape when Cam found him.” Her eyes flow up to meet his again. “I’m not sure if he’d still be here if Cam hadn’t found him.” Her stare is firmly locked on Eddie when she says the last sentence and Eddie's breath catches at that.

Because there were a lot of signs about what Steve had given up to be the new him weren’t there? The most glaringly obvious one being the fact that he lives with Hopper and El, at 17, and not in his parents house anymore. And the fact that Steve had come back from the summer looking as different as he did, was a big indicator of the things he’d been through, but Eddie also noticed the flinching, when people moved too quickly, and the way Steve knew how to fight now and was dangerous . Because the Steve before, had been an indifferent bully at worst, but he’d never carried himself the way he does now, with an air of predator around him. And to think, that Steve had been in such a bad way that they might have lost him before Eddie really even got to know him? Truly know him like he was starting to? Eddie could feel tears spring to his eyes.

He cast his gaze up to the ceiling briefly, willing them not to fall, before reaching out and grasping Robin's hand, pulling his gaze back down to meet hers and nodding slightly. 

“I can’t promise I won’t fuck up again, because I’m human, and I’m learning there's a lot that doesn't fit into the boxes I hadn’t even realized I was putting them into.” She goes to say something and he shakes his head. “But I can give you the promise, that I am trying to be better, and do better, and be someone worth this new Steve's time. Worth Steve’s time, because really, I don’t even totally know why I had reacted the way I had the other day. Probably insecurities that I’ve got, but that wasn’t fair to take out on Steve, because I can see how much he’s trying to be better, and I’ve experienced first hand how truly kind and good he is. It was unfair of me to treat him the way I did, and I told him as much Thursday night, but I wanted to apologize or… or thank you for bringing to my attention that a simple “I’m sorry” Isn’t really the apology it should be when you don’t acknowledge the way your actions made someone else feel.”

Robins eyes are wide as she takes his words in, smiling softly at him, and he knows she's not mad at him anymore, when she brings his hand up to her mouth and kisses the back of it, in a way he’s seen Steve do to her when she’s apologized for something in the past. Their special way of saying I forgive you, or you’re welcome, and Eddie’s heart feels so warm and blessed that he gets to even have a part of Robin and Steve in his life. 

When the waitress comes and takes their order, Robin getting a strawberry milkshake and Eddie getting a chocolate one, they lull into a comfortable conversation about how stupid their English class is, and argue over music and the best food. The invisible wall between them finally destroyed and lying in ruin as they giggle and Robin almost snorts milkshake out of her nose. 

It’s nice, and lively, and Eddies never felt so comfortable around someone that isn’t Gareth, and he’s happy and content to feel this way with Robin.

Chrissy Cunningham cheerfully bouncing over to their table when she spots them as she bounds through the door, only adds to the warmth Eddie’s feeling.

“Oh my gosh! Hey guys, what are the odds we run into each other here?” She’s all sunshine and bright smiles and Eddie’s heart swells a bit, remembering when she still had braces freshman year and always held a hand in front of her face when she laughed or smiled. Robin is instantly a flustered mess and Eddie has to cover his own smile with a hand as he watches them interact. Robin going a mile a minute about something band related, and huh, interesting Chrissy is hanging onto every word coming out of Robin's mouth, sliding into the booth next to Eddie so she’s placed directly across from Robin. Leaning in and giving Robin her undivided attention. 

“You’re so smart Robin.” Chrissy beams, placing a hand on Robins and squeezing it slightly, “Honestly I could listen to you talk about anything all day and I don’t think I’d ever get bored.”

Oh, oh this is very interesting.

Eddie’s about to be a little shit and make a comment to get Robin to blush deeper, when Jason Carver's voice bellows across the diner.

“Chrissy, come on, you don’t want to get freak juice on you.” He turns his eyes to Eddie, the glint in them a clear threat. “ And stop coercing her to be around you Munson, fucking trailer trash.” Eddie screws up his face in return, filling his cheeks with air and blowing a raspberry in Jason’s direction as Chrissy stands up.

“I’m sorry about him, I’ll see you guys at school.” She shoots them both a soft smile, but the edges are tinted with a sadness that wasn’t there before, and Eddie has half a mind to pull her back into the booth and keep her with them, if only to crack enough jokes to get it to be the beam it was before. Robin offers her own sad smile in response, Chrissy walking slowly towards her boyfriend with her shoulders sagging a bit. Eddie really can’t help himself.

“Carver, I know you’re a good Christian boy or whatever, but the term isn’t freak juice. It’s Cum.” He flashes a sharp smile at the other man, watching as his shoulders tense and he throws his arm around Chrissy, who Eddie can very clearly see if trying to hide her laugh and then their gone.

“Fucking Carver.” Robin grumbles to herself, slurping loudly at the milkshake. "Also that was so gross Eddie, never say things like that in front of me again.” She scrunches up her nose at him. Eddie could say something back and complain about Jason alongside her, but he wants Robin's easy smile and laughs back, so he turns fully towards her before leaning in with a mischievous smirk on his face.

“So Chrissy Cunningham huh? Got a thing for cheerleaders do ya Buckley?” Her shocked and scared expression was expected, but he can see the moment she remembers that Eddies safe to talk to about this kind of thing, before she settles into a groan and shoves him out of her space.

“How’d you figure it out?”

“What that you like, girls? Or that you like Chrissy in particular?”

“Both? Either?”

“Don’t worry, it’s not obvious that you are a boobie connoisseur.” She groans mumbling a ‘ god theirs two of them’  and Eddie continues “I just know how to spot a fellow queer, and also your face is beat red so that’s how I know about Cunningham.” He cackles loudly when she shoves her whole hand onto his face and tells him he’s an idiot.

(Listen, Eddie and Robin are like the same person and they would be BEST friends.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

We will be back to our regularly scheduled gay panic next chapter <3

And seriously, I appreciate you all so so much! Thank you for going on this journey with me.)

Ao3| Part 1| Part 2| Part 3| Part 4| Part 5 | Part 6| Part 7| Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10| Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 (Next Part)

[lcs-library]

hi :) i had a bad day, a few days ago there was some problem in my family. can you write omi, tsumugi, chikage (if you feel like just one of them that's also ok) comforting their s/o who has run away from home due to family problems? thank you

Hello!! That seems terrible, and I hope your situation gets better :(. In the meantime, I hope you can find comfort in my writing, and I’m actually honored you’d come to me with such a personal request. So, with everything I’ve got, please enjoy these!!

Request rules

Omi

📷It was just a hard day for you. You wanted nothing more than to just relax a bit in a space away from it all. Away from all the people who had hurt you.

📷 For you, that meant holing up in your room with a video game. Not that it did you any good.

📷The tears still flowed, the pain in your chest didn’t go away, and you still wanted an escape.

📷That was, until there was a knock at the door.

📷”Hey, you’ve been in there for a while. You okay?”

📷A familiar voice rang through the door. Omi’s, to be precise.

📷The second you heard it, you tried to clean yourself up a bit before answering.

📷”’M fine.”

📷”Mind if I come in?” He asked gently, noticing the tone of your voice.

📷”Go ahead.”

📷When he entered, he found a wet, crinkled mess of a person.

📷”Oh.” Omi’s voice softened along with his expression as he shut the door and made his way over to you.

📷”Did something happen?”

📷You shook your head, hesitated, contemplating, then nodded.

📷”Wanna talk about it?”

📷”I guess. Just some issues that led me here are coming up again. It’s a long story.”

📷”I can settle in.”

📷And so you tearfully recounted your tale as Omi rubbed your back, not saying a word.

📷After a while, all he could come up with was “I see.”

📷There was a bit more silence before he spoke again.

📷”I can’t say I know exactly what you went through, but I had a similar experience when my mom died. The family fell apart, leaving me in charge, and running away led me down a pretty dark path. Hell, I lost my best friend down there. But I found my way here. And it’s all I could have ever hoped for. So, I hope you’ll find that place too, if you haven’t already. Either way, I’ll be there the whole time. No matter what. I’ve got you, and all I want is your safety.”

📷His sentiment was sweet, even for one who didn’t bother with flowery language much.

📷And yet, it made the already overflowing emotions run even more rampant, leading him to hold you close.

📷”I’ve got you. You won’t have to worry anymore. I promise.”

📷No matter what he did, he wanted you to feel safe, even if just for a bit.

📷And you couldn’t be any more grateful.

Tsumugi

🥚After moving in with Tsumugi, you finally decide to reveal something huge to him about your situation.

🥚Through tears and stammers, you somehow manage to explain why you ultimately rushed moving in with him.

🥚During your entire speech, he made sure to keep quiet, allowing you to get all of your words out, no matter how hard it was.

🥚Once he was entirely sure you were finished talking, he finally spoke up in the softest voice he could muster.

🥚”Though I can’t say I know what that’s like, I do want to let you know that I’m here for you, no matter what. I’ll do anything I can to help you, whether that be resolution or avoidance, just let me know what’s safer. But for now, let’s not focus on that. Let’s just sit here for a bit, okay? We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. Is it alright if I touch you?”

🥚You nod, and he pulls you into a hug.

🥚”There we go. You mind if I stroke your hair?”

🥚Another nod.

🥚”Alright. Just know you’re not alone anymore, alright? I’ll always be here, and even when it seems like nobody’s on your side, I am. You don’t deserve to be alone.”

🥚Somehow, his words made your tears flow even more, and you buried your head into his shoulder.

🥚Tsumugi made a sort of “aw” noise as he felt your body shake in his arms before murmuring sweet affirmations against the top of your head until you cried yourself to sleep.

🥚But just before you could fall asleep, he gave you a soft kiss to the forehead.

🥚”I love you. And don’t worry, I’ll be here whenever you need me.”

Chikage

🌶️”You know, we’ve never talked about how you joined the company, Chikage,” was what you decided to bring up in the Mankai dorm’s common room after an exhausting practice.

🌶️”How I joined? I used the process the rest of the company did: ask, audition, join. Why are you so curious all of a sudden?”

🌶️”Mm. Just thinking about it.”

🌶️”Well,” he replied with a sly smile, “How about I flip the question right back at you? How did you join?”

🌶️”Same process.”

🌶️”Why did you join, then? Why here?” Chikage asked, sitting beside you, hoping to toy with you a bit.

🌶️The intention didn’t quite reach, however.

🌶️It was as if the question was a gunshot.

🌶️Tears quickly pricked your eyes, and your voice became choppy.

🌶️After finding your words, you explained why and how you ran away only to find this place before your body crumpled against the couch.

🌶️Chikage’s demeanor immediately changed. His eyes widened a bit, and it was as if some sort of mask had slipped. He was hit with a flood of memories and a sense of kinship.

🌶️He remained silent for a bit before finally speaking up, eyes focused on his hands held on his knees.

🌶️”I did the same thing, you know. Not that this was the first place it led me. It actually led me to a pretty dangerous place at first. There, I found a family, then lost it. It broke me, but it led me here, and, despite what I did when I first came here, I found a home and a family. Listen, what I’m trying to say here is that,” he sighs, finally looking over at you, his expression having lost all signs of deception, “I hope that happens to you too. You’ll be happy and safe by the end of this alright?”

🌶️And for the first time since you’d met him, his smile wasn’t fake.

🌶️You finally looked up at him, and, though blurry, he looked so strangely serene in that moment.

🌶️Though you felt it may have been a bad idea, you draped your arms around him to place your head into the crook of his neck, your body shaking as you cried.

🌶️Hesitantly, he returned the action, awkwardly hugging you.

🌶️”You’ll be safe. I’ll make sure of it.”

🌶️You know he’s serious, right? Like he’ll probably commit crimes to make sure you’re safe.

[radical-revolution]

TRUSTING YOUR INTUITION VS. YOUR ANALYTICAL MIND

You are creating a structure to be able to support the fullness of our humanity. And different people have different unique opportunities to play in that. The art is to listen for the part you play. When one person writes a book of poetry, is that book of poetry any less of a contribution to the wellbeing of humanity than somebody who’s out on the line fighting the fire?

Now, the fire people will say, “Look, it’s important that you fight fire. Don’t worry about the poetry book.” But if not poetry, then something very precious is lost that humanity needs for its own feeding as well. So there are all these balances and you don’t need to judge, but rather tune to hear what part you play. And which part you play has to do with your skills, your capacities, your opportunities, and the environment you live in.

The yearnings and desires are all part of the play. And the job is to keep quieting the mind to stand back further and go within to hear more clearly the way it all works. And then out of that comes the next action.

You may go sit on a rock by the Rio Grande and watch the light on the back of a Robin, and you’re sitting there and you’re feeling like, “What difference does it make?” and then something comes into you and says, “This isn’t totally fulfilling.” And then you leave that and you go back to someplace and the telephone rings and somebody says, “Will you do this?” and you don’t know why, but you say, “Yeah, I’ll do it.” It starts a whole other course of life.

I have no idea why I do the things I do. I trust my intuitive wisdom. I get many letters. Some I answer, some I don’t. There’s no way I can decide what’s the worst and what’s the best. Sometimes I need to get into the hot tub. Sometimes I need to pick up the phone and offer to do a benefit.

I’m allowing myself more and more to trust my intuitive wisdom rather than my analytic mind as to how I should do it. Cause the more analytical mind can’t really handle the complexity of the situation so you go from moment to moment just listening. The fact that you had that job and then gave it up for this job, that’s all part of what’s feeding into this moment. Then you’re looking for the dream, and then the model of the dream, and finally you keep letting go of the model into just what is.

I was at a point where my father was ill and I needed some help. This fellow called and he had read ‘Miracle of Love‘. He wrote me a letter saying he had read it and cried and wanted to meet somebody who had known Maharajji, and could he come see me. He came over and saw me and we sat and talked for several hours. I asked him what he did and he said he had been working with mentally disabled adults for much of his adult livelihood, but was kind of tired from that, and didn’t know what he wanted to do. I told him I was going to Burma to study meditation and needed somebody to hang out with my father and my stepmother, and would he consider?

He said yeah, he would do it, and at first my step mother said, “He’s too weird,” but then he hung and she mellowed and pretty soon got cancer. The she died and he took over. He took care of my father until my father died. And that was three, four years. He had no plan when he came to see me about Maharajji, of doing that thing. I had no plan of having somebody like that. Dad had no plan. And there they were, and their whole lives all changed and served and worked just that way. Who knows whether the next message comes at the laundromat or whether the message comes through… you know, who knows?

-Ram Dass

[jaybarou]

Caring after a mishappen

Summary: Moon and you were messing around chaining him up, but the lights turned on, and Sun woke up chained and you are In A Situation. So you decide to go through the aftercare with Sun.

It had started with you suggesting Moon could use chains while he felt the glitch to keep everyone safe, but the little shit had become a mechanical Houdini when his programmers weren't looking.

From that point on, it was not about fighting the glitch but about keeping that asshole in chains for more than a minute.

He could be decorated with padlocks and chains like a christmas tree from hell, hanging from his cable with the power to its crane switched off, and he would still free himself in less than what it took you to put the chains on him.

Time had gotten away from you.

The lights turned on and you saw the transformation, except the poor animatronic didn’t have room to move his plates, slide the sliders and roll the flaps or whatever it did, so you were facing Sun, with his rays out, some blue plates on him, his pants stretched, stuck mid-transformation and completely, absolutely still.

“Sun! Sorry. Oh my stars. I’m so sorry. We lost track of time. Well, I lost track of time, Moon might have forgotten on purpose. I’m so sorry, you didn’t consent to this at all. I forgot. We should have asked you.”

“This is... a surprise.”

With the way Moon had been getting out of the chains the whole night, you expected Sun to follow the pattern and land gracefully on the floor in a moment. But... he didn’t. He made small movements without managing to get out, each try more forceful than the last, and whenever the link of a chain slipped, he unbalanced all over. He was caught and slowly spinning over your head like a fish out of water.

“What a pretty chandelier I made," you mocked him a little.

“I don’t... ugh. I don’t know what Moon and you get up to during the night shift, but as long as...” You recognized that tone. It was not playful, happy, teasing or even neutral. It was the bad tone, the one that made you think a robot could and was going to cry of frustration.

“Wait, wait, Sun, don’t move. Don’t talk. I’ll let you down. Don’t bust your servos or anything. I’m not letting this end up in P&S.”

He froze. You ran to the crane to not only switch it on, but to manually send him down until his knees were touching the ground and the cable was slack. Then you ran to kneel in front of him and your hands hovered over all the chains stuck with a question in your mind.

“It’s nothing, Sun. I promise. You are fine, you both are. We were careful. Not even a scratch to your paint. I really should have realized we needed your input when you two are clearly using the same body. I’m sorry. We won’t be trying this again if you say you are not comfortable with it. Sun, Sunman." Your fingers twitched, still hovering over the chains. "I don’t want to make this worse, so can I... Can I take this off of you?”

“Yes, please.” It was such a short answer. Sun didn't do short answers unless he was in a bad shape.

“Good boy.” It slipped your lips without you even realizing you had said it. “I’m going to start with the ceiling wire, let me know if I’m pulling something.”

“Yes.”

You detached the carabiner and you saw how Sun slumped further into himself. All his hydraulics disengaging. His mismatched plates finally allowed to switch to their natural yellow. Then you went to to undo all the padlocks, big and little, starting by the solid bike lock around his neck. As you progressed you saw him moving the way a human would to regain circulation on his hands. You put your hand on his back to pull the rubber-wrapped chain from around his upper arms. The plate was scorching hot.

“Sun. Your fans; turn them on or you will overheat.”

“Yes.”

He switched the fans on obediently and the relief was instantaneous and evident. If you hadn’t taken the ceiling cable first, he would look like a puppet loosely strung. With a strong suspicion you went to work on the ankle padlock, but holding his leg down hard with a lingering contact. He didn’t protest or move. You had no idea animatronics could hit subspace. Fortunately, you had come prepared in case this exact situation happened... with Moon. You really, really hadn’t taken Sun into account in any of your mental calculations.

“Wait a second for me, Sun. Don’t move. Can you do that for me?”

Sun nodded without looking at you.

“Good boy.” And this time you were completely sure of what you were saying.

You walked back to the bag you had brought with you and left the chains there, carefully as to not to startle Sun. You took the can of WD-40 and walked back. You spared a moment to consider that you had never seen Sun this still or quiet. You shook the can and Sun’s attention snapped to you. You put the straw on the nozzle.

“Give me your right hand.”

You were not a technician, but when thinking about how to look after Moon if things went wrong, this had been your best idea. Sun gave you his right hand and you knelt in front of him. You sent small bursts of oil to the meeting parts and moved every joint to its full scope. You went finger by finger and up to the wrist. While you were on the pinkie he tried quietly:

“I...”

“Don’t say anything yet, Sun, please. Let me do this for you.”

He stayed quiet.

“Left hand now, can you? And keep those fans working.”

He switched hands.

“Very well. Thank you, Sun.”

You worked on his other hand quietly. You were very very nervous. If you hadn’t already fucked up with the unintended bondage, there was a possibility this would be too much, maybe worsening the situation. Sun wasn't a human and he didn't have human tells. Maybe Sun didn’t know how to say that he didn’t want this. You didn’t let your nerves show, but it startled you badly when he moved his legs from kneeling to bent on both of your sides. You were inside the bracket of his legs, practically hidden from view with those huge pants of his.

You were almost done. You stood, and with him sitting down it was almost enough for you to loom over him. Almost.

You took his faceplate in both your hands.

“I’m doing your neck too if you let me.”

Sun nodded again and you pushed his faceplate slightly up and to the side. The oil went in easily enough and you saw how he was moving his fingers while you worked. Good. That meant he was coming back online.

“I’m gettinh a rag to clean the excess oil.”

He focused his eyes on you.

“I can do that! There is no need, friend!” Yes, he was coming back.

“No, let me, Sun. I’ll explain what we were doing while I do. Sit, I need to reach your neck.” You only had the time from taking the WD-40 to the bag and coming back with the rag to steel yourself. “Moonie and I were talking about some worries he had,” Sun made a vague noise as you cleaned an oil stain from his faceplate. “And I proposed tying him up, to see if that would make him less worried. We weren’t up to anything in your daycare, the cable was just convenient. I forgot, but we should have asked for your permission.”

His silence didn't end where you thought he would land.

“Did it work?”

You thought about Moon's maniac giggles dangling a chain once again. At least he had been laughing for once.

“Well, not the way we intended. We more or less ended up playing Houdini, seeing if Moon could escape.”

“Yes, kids play tying me up all the time, but they are less...” He held his arm and drummed his fingers. “...cappable.”

“Yes... Hey, Sunman. I know we don’t know each other very much with me being in the night shift and all that, and this was a clusterfffrick, but... Can you forgive us?”

“How could I not? You were trying to help Moon, weren’t you?”

“Yes. We were.”

“Then it’s all forgiven, friend.” He shrugged. “Although... I would appreciate some warning next time.”

“You’ve got it! Huh... Hug?”

“Always!”

You were sure you were not imagining his fists clutched on the back of your t-shirt.

“Sunman... I was serious. Put to work those fans, okay? Take care.” You patted his shoulder.

The moment was interrupted by the first customers of the day. Sun jumped to action immediately and he was pretty much lost to you from then on. You waved goodbye and left, but your mind kept going in circles and suggesting that this shouldn't be a one time thing.

[free-imaginations-for-you]

TOO LOW KEY FOR ME

Part 2 FINAL

Kim Taehyung x female reader

He didn't have time to get his winter jacket, when he didn't see you at your place he stormed out without wasting a second on anything else. Honestly he didn‘t even waste a thought on the cold, he just wanted to know what‘s wrong with you and why you‘re acting so different. Me on the other hand couldn‘t look at him in just a thin black sweater, with the knowledge that he hates the cold. „It‘s freezing cold go inside, I‘m not in the mood to talk to you let alone fight with you. So please leave me alone.“ I said looking here and there trying to avoid his eyes. „What did i miss? First of all since when are we fighting. Secondly what did I even do for you to act like this?“ Tae said utterly confused trying to understand a word that‘s coming out of your mouth. „Just go inside it‘s cold, I don‘t want to talk to you at the moment I‘m not in the right state of mind. But most importantly I don‘t want you to catch a cold because of me.“ I said, to be honest I was really tired with the way I felt for so long. „Fuck I don‘t mind the cold, what bothers me is the way you‘re talking to me, like I‘m some stranger you don‘t know.“ he said feeling a mixture of rage and sadness. I don‘t think that he is going to drop this topic anytime soon. „Go get yourself your jacket.“ I demanded him monotonously, in the inside freaking out about his health. „No, I‘m not even thinking about going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck this is all about.“ he stated crossing his arms, not making a movement. „Sure two can do this“ I said dropping my fury coat on the ground feeling a cold wind that made me shiver. I was left in my beige thin kit dress, feeling really cold from the outside in the contrast of how boiling hot i felt in the inside.

„Why on earth are you so stubborn.“ he angrily questioned while picking up your coat trying to put it on you. Tae knew how sensitive you are to cold, he often turned on the heating in the bar or made you tea so that you felt warm. „Let me ask you why can‘t you even listen to me for once, I‘m not going to talk to you until you get your jacket and if you really think that I‘m going to wear my coat while your freeze yourself to death, than you don‘t know me at all“ I stated annoyed. „Gosh you‘re for real right now. Are you?.“ he questions trying to read my face. I nodded not using a single word. Taehyung took his phone and called one of his employees to bring him his jacket. Not even a minute later he stood before me in his warm and cozy jacket not feeling cold anymore. „Are you happy now Princess?“ he asked using the nickname he always uses when were alone. I tried my best to hide the redness of my cheeks. „Yes.“ I answered in a silence voice trying to hide my face while he helped me putting on my coat. In seconds he took my tiny hands in his bigger ones, trying to warm them. He kissed my hands, honestly afraid that if he blinks for a second that i’ll fade away. „Gosh your hands are freezing, why are you so careless? I wouldn‘t forgive myself if something happened to you.“ he said his voice full of emotions looking directly in my eyes. Whenever he saw your petite figure and breathtaking beauty, he couldn‘t help it, he wanted to protect you at all cost, from the cruel cold world and sometimes even from his cold self.

It feels like he knew what I thought about him, he knew he had me wrapped around his fingers and I felt trapped and angry. Angry that I let him take control over me without asking twice. „Why did you leave without saying a word? Did I do something? Why are you acting like this.“ he questioned feeling unclear about this whole situation. „I didn‘t think that you would notice If I wasn‘t there anymore. It‘s not like you actually knowledge my presence whenever we‘re in public. You even had company of these women, my presence wasn’t needed there.“ I said with a fragile yet strong voice trying my best to keep it together, the emotions of jealousy, disappointment, sadness and tiredness, that I felt for the last couple of weeks. „Why on earth would you think that?“ he asked sensing your jealousy. Honestly his insides bubbled of the thought of you being jealous, he quite liked this side of you. At the moment he didn’t had the courage to joke about it, the situation was way too serious. „I was doing my job, it‘s not like i can ignore all the females in here.“ Taehyung said trying to make the situation better by saying the first thing that came to his mind. „Don’t you even try to make me look like a person, who doesn‘t understand you. I‘m well aware that this is your job, but it just hurts. You ignoring me the whole night, just to see you all lovely and helpful with some girls you don’t even know. Do you even know how I would feel. So excuse me for being an human being and having feelings.“ I confessed literally giving him whiplash. Taehyung was impressed of the way you could express your deepest thoughts, with simple words, making it look so easy to be open. A quality he struggled with for all these years.

„Let me ask you something. What are we? Are we friends? Lovers? Strangers who spends their time together? I‘m trying my best to make sense of it, but I can‘t. One minute you make me feel like the most special woman and the next you treat me like a joke, making me doubt every single minute i spent with you, more importantly you make me doubt myself. So what on earth are we?“ i asked undoubtedly sad and in the verge of crying after telling him what‘s on my mind for so long. „What do you mean?“ he asked disappointed that he was the cause of this sadness behind your eyes. Tae thought that the affection he was showing you was enough, because he never showed anybody this much of himself. He really tried his best to open up, be affectionate and show you that he cares. „You never really officially asked me out, whenever we‘re in public you act like we‘re some strangers. Maybe you still want to be available for all these beautiful girls that you see day by day. I don’t know maybe that’s the reason you don’t want to make this relationship official. Please do me a favor and stop wasting my time. If so, I‘ll look elsewhere, maybe i’ll find someone who respects me and isn‘t ashamed to call me his.“ I stated trying my best not to get louder with each word i just spit, feeling emotionally drained out even surprised with myself, not really knowing that I had all this thoughts hidden deep inside my heart. The word hurt matched this situation really well, but saying that he just felt hurt was an understatement. „Why should i have eyes for other women when all i ever wanted is in front of me. Fuck, why do you have to be so hotheaded and stubborn? Are you even listening to yourself. You just know how to push my bottoms, don‘t you?“ he spit feeling a mixture of sadness, hurt and pure rage. Just the thought of another man taking his place, drove him crazy to the point that he couldn’t think straight. He was a really calm and collected person, but right know he felt his heart aching. Taehyung took a step towards me, making me take one step back and this went on until I felt a stonecold wall behind, that robbed me of the opportunity to disappear, to escape this miserable situation. To be honest I couldn‘t think straight with him being this close. „Why do you have to be such an asshole?“ I countered while pushing him, to make space between us.

„Hell I give you every bit of me, do you know how fucking draining it feels to open up and be honest with your feelings when you don‘t even know how you feel most of the time, because you‘re too fucked up to cope with the slightest things that include emotions. I just wanted you happy, it didn‘t matter how empty and emotionally drained I felt afterwards, because i felt whole and healed beside you. It seems like my fucking all is too less for you.“ he nearly yelled with venom in his voice finally exploding, deeply hurt with all the things you threw on his head. „I don‘t respect you, i‘m ashamed to call you mine. How dare you say that. Did you ever made a sign that you weren‘t happy with the way it was. Don’t you think that if you told me how you felt from beginning, this whole thing wouldn’t escalate like this. Do you think that I can read your damn mind.“ he continued looking straight into my teary eyes, trying to figure out how we went this far. „Do you think that i would beg you to be with me, to show me that you‘re being honest with me and that I‘m not just some toy you throw away once you get bored with.“ I said nearly on the verge of exploding, how dare he make me look bad. „Let's leave it as it is, we're both a bit confused and not in our right mind. We just hurt each other instead of sorting it out like adults. I need time to myself and you should think about what you want, it would be best if we don't see each other for a while.“ i declared trying my best not break infront of him and keep my dignity. „So that‘s how you sort things out, you leave when the slightest problem appears. That‘s not how you solve things.“ he said utterly hurt and tired. Not another word escaped my lips, i was silent, my thoughts a complete mess. I had to leave to sort my thoughts and try to figure it out where the relationship with this mysterious man is going. I left him completely heartbroken, without the certainty that it will go back to the way it was.

[the-girl-in-the-box]

One Swallow Can Make A Summer III

A/N: Hooray! The next chapter is here! Thank you all for your patience in the longer waiting period- I'm just getting over Covid-19 so this took a little longer to get written. I'm hoping to release at least one chapter a week moving forward, though, so please feel free to look forward to some better consistency in the future! Now, before reading this chapter, please be advised that the last sequence contains allusions to PTSD, including nightmares and intrusive thoughts, and the whole chapter does reference war, and canon-typical violence. With that out of the way... I'll be back soon with another update, and I hope you enjoy this one! Happy reading!

Summary: The world is at war, and none will be left unchanged in its wake. Downton Abbey is now a convalescent home where wounded officers are sent to recover, and Sergeant Thomas Barrow couldn’t be more satisfied with his position in running it. But with the arrival of a kind new maid, the downstairs dynamic shifts, and Thomas finds himself in the middle of a strange situation, which only grows stranger as the war goes on. With the answers he seeks hidden in the Abbey’s past, inaccessible to Thomas alone, and danger lurking around any corner, he’ll have to learn to trust his instincts and his allies before it’s too late.

Masterlist

--

Thomas stared almost numbly across the table as he waited on Sylvia to return. After he’d finally broken down in front of her in his office, she’d held him patiently, and waited until he was calm enough to bring him out into the servants’ hall, at which point she’d left him to make them both a cup of tea.

He was about as far out of his comfort zone as he may have ever been, when it came to talking about himself. That was what she would expect, he figured, having seen him fall apart the way he had. But she had offered him tea, and space to speak if he wished, and he almost felt like he owed her an explanation. She’d stayed with him until he had finally stopped his weeping, after all. Didn’t he owe her something?

Sylvia eventually came in with a tray carrying two cups of tea, as well as a little cup full of milk and a small bowl of sugar they could add into their cups, and he found himself chuckling a bit. “Almost like we belong upstairs,” he stated, and when she chuckled too he looked up to see her smirking.

“I don’t see any reason not to pamper ourselves a bit tonight, do you?” she asked. He could probably give her a hundred, but decided instead to keep his mouth shut, just giving a small huff that acted as laughter. She smiled at him and hummed thoughtfully. “So what’s got you down so badly, Sergeant?”

Thomas lifted a brow as he looked up at her, then put off answering for a moment as he began to fix his tea. What could he say without saying too much? The problem with letting anyone in was that once he told her he’d lost someone he cared about, she’d realize he cared too much about him. But, if he told her how he felt isolated in the house, she’d try and figure out why, and both led to the same, dangerous conclusion. If only he could content himself that she could be trusted.

When he still didn’t respond, she supplied him with a starting point. “This war’s turned all our lives upside down, hasn’t it?” she asked him gently. His nod earned him another question. “What were you doing before it started?” Well, that was something he could talk about.

“I was a footman here,” he replied, taking a sip of his tea. “Joined the medical corps when the war kicked up so I’d already have my place in it. Didn’t think that place would be the Somme, but here we are.”

Sylvia nodded with a small, understanding smile as she too sipped on her tea. “How’d you get out?” she asked him, and he held up his left hand to indicate the wound hidden behind a glove.

“Got hit,” he answered vaguely. Not a lie, but not the full truth. He just couldn’t bring himself to confess he’d gotten it done purposefully. Who was to say she wouldn’t turn him in, and have him shot for cowardice? Without a guarantee, he wouldn’t take the risk. 

Sylvia grimaced a bit. “I know that hurt,” she said. “I’ve got one in my leg.” His eyes must have widened quite dramatically, because she laughed softly at his expression, and explained, “It was just a cruel attack. I was with a friend, and…” Sylvia paused to swallow, and her laughter faded as her eyes grew distant, before turning down toward her tea. “Well, I was lucky to take a bullet to the thigh and get away. She wasn’t really. Didn’t make it.”

Thomas swallowed uncomfortably as memories of Edward Courtenay resurfaced once again. “I’ve lost a friend too,” he found himself confessing, albeit without really meaning to. “Casualty of the war. He died in hospital.”

Sylvia eyed him with a sad knowing. “The soldier you lost from self-inflicted wounds,” she said. “Was it him?”

Thomas’s eyes widened once again. “How did you…?” he began to question, but her smile and understanding eyes cut him off without so much as a word.

“I could see that… whoever that soldier was, you were grieved by his loss,” she told him. “It seemed personal somehow, the way you spoke of him. I just didn’t know in what way, if he was your brother, a friend… But I suppose I know now. Who was he?”

“A Lieutenant,” he said. “Edward Courtenay. He was blinded by mustard gas… wasn’t ready to leave the hospital when they wanted to ship him off to Farley Hall to convalesce, and… well, you know the rest. Lady Sybil- er, Nurse Crawley- and I tried to fight to keep him there, we could see he wasn’t ready to go yet, but Dr. Clarkson insisted we needed the bed.”

“You two must have been a comfort to him,” Sylvia suggested. “Perhaps he knew he’d be alone if he left for Foley, and the prospect was more than he was ready for at the time.”

“I think it must have been,” he said, looking up at her thoughtfully. She seemed… somehow too wise for her age, which he had guessed was somewhere around his own. Maybe it was because she’d been shot herself, and lost a friend as well, that there was a heaviness in her eyes, but that didn’t explain the insight into Edward’s mind she’d so easily given. Did she know that pain, too? Sylvia chewed her lip a bit like she was nervous as she watched his face, which prompted him to ask, “What’s worrying you?”

“Do you feel the same?” she asked. “That is… do you feel alone?”

The question made him swallow hard. She had to know the feeling, to recognize it so quickly in two other people; and why shouldn’t she? Her friend had been murdered in front of her. If nothing else could make a person feel so alone, that sort of grief could do it. 

“Do you?” he asked before he decided how to answer.

“Yes,” she answered easily, albeit with a rueful smile. “The load I carry is a heavy one, and there’s no one to carry it with me- no one who can. I am alone, even if I seem well-liked here. There’s no pain in their eyes, like I see when I look in the mirror. They’d never understand.”

That was something he could connect with- looking at his reflection and seeing the pain in his own eyes. But it explained why she could see him so clearly- she saw that same look in him, just as he saw it in her. Something inside them was the same.

The thought terrified him.

“I get the same feeling here,” he finally confessed. “They all carry their… whatever they’re carrying, like it’s the lightest thing in the world, because they’ve all got each other to help them carry it. But then I get snappy and they don’t even offer to find out what it is I’m carrying.”

Thomas paused the moment he said it, because there it was- her way in to ask him, and what might she be suspicious of if he wouldn’t say? He needed to get her talking about herself again somehow, before she started to pry. “What about you?” he asked her. “Anyone ever offer to help carry yours?”

Sylvia shook her head. “Even if they had, they never would have been able to,” she said. “I hide it well enough, though, so no one asks. Works out better in the end.”

This earned a bitter chuckle from Thomas. “If you’re asking, I take it that means I haven’t done well hiding it?” he asked.

“Well… let’s just say I’ve finally made sense of you,” she replied with a chuckle.

He frowned, brows creasing as he tried to piece together what that meant. “How do you mean you’ve finally made sense of me?” he questioned. 

Sylvia giggled a bit, and took a sip of her tea as if she only wanted to prolong his waiting period- which he didn’t find amusing in the slightest. “The stories I heard of you didn’t match up with what I was finding whenever we did interact,” she explained. “But then I saw you get nasty tonight, when I was trying to help you, and it all clicked. That’s how you keep people from getting too close. I was just someone you worked with until tonight, and then I became someone who might care, so you got mean. Then I didn’t back down, and you broke. Doesn’t take a psychic to guess why it all played out how it did.”

Thomas sat back in his seat, dumbfounded. There she went again, stripping him down like there was nothing to it. How she had managed to do that twice in one night, he had no idea. She must have been educated, he could guess at that much. But still… to have him figured out in just a few days, to that level? It was a little unnerving. Or it would be, if he hadn’t been secretly desperate to be understood. Perhaps this was just what it felt like to actually have a friend for once.

“I take it you’re not a psychic, then?” he quipped, trying to divert her attention. 

She chuckled and shook her head. “Just very observant, I’m afraid,” she replied with a soft sigh. “Being a psychic would have been so much more interesting, though, wouldn’t it?”

Thomas’s lips quirked up into the slightest bit of a smile. “Maybe,” he agreed. “But I don’t think that’s what most people look for in a friend.” 

“And are we friends, Sergeant Barrow?” she asked with a little grin. The question caught him off guard.

Well… he wasn’t sure what exactly to call them otherwise, considering it was only friends, family, and lovers which might be caught doing what they were doing- and they were certainly not either of the latter two options. And if they weren’t friends, then that meant he’d just aired out a majority of his baggage to a woman who would claim no loyalty to him. But if he agreed to that, then that would set the parameters of this whole conversation. If she was anything she seemed to be, that would mean it would all stay between them.

He offered her a tight smile. “I think that is what they call this, isn’t it?” he pointed out, which earned him a little chuckle from the girl across the table. “Guess it’s time I finally had one.”

To his surprise, she didn’t seem to tease when she smiled at him. “There comes a day for us all when we need a friend, Sergeant Barrow,” she said. “It seems yours is here.”

“Then I don’t think you’d better keep calling me ‘Sergeant Barrow’,” he said. “Not when it’s just the two of us, at least. It’s hard enough for me to keep any kind of authority around here, and if the newest hire’s getting away with forgetting my titles, then no one else will bother to remember either.” 

Sylvia giggled softly. “I will remember, then,” she promised. “I would ask you to call me Sylvia, but…” 

“That’s already what’s done, isn’t it?” Thomas surmised. She hummed and nodded.

“It is, yes,” she confirmed, and he chuckled again.

Somewhere down one of the halls, a clock struck midnight. Sylvia looked up towards the source of the sound and gave a small sigh. “Are you feeling any better?” she questioned. “We should be getting to bed soon.”

Thomas nodded but didn’t move to stand even as she did, even though he was vaguely aware of her walking around the table toward him until she wrapped her arms around him again, and gave him a gentle squeeze. Improper though the gesture was, it was exceedingly genuine, which brought a smile to his face. “Good thing Carson wasn’t up to see that,” he teased her, and she chuckled.

“Well, he can lump it if he doesn’t like it,” she said decisively. His final fear put to rest- she wasn’t actually like Anna. Yes, she was nice, and she was good too, but she wasn’t hung up on what Carson would or wouldn’t approve of. He appreciated that.

“I’m sure he would,” he replied. 

 Sylvia gave a dramatic sigh. “Then I’ll be out in the bin with a sign that says, ‘Hugged Thomas Barrow. Free to good home’.” 

Despite himself, Thomas let out a laugh. “‘Free to good home’?” he repeated. “What are you, an unexpected kitten?”

She giggled and said, “No, an unexpected puppy.” Thomas rolled his eyes, but smirked amusedly.

“Go on to bed,” he chastised her. “Unless you fancy sticking around to clean up down here, in which case I will be going to bed.”

“Go on, then,” she said. “I’ll manage down here and be up shortly.”

Well, she didn’t have to tell him twice.

“Alright, then I will see you in the morning, Sylvia Sharpe,” he said. “Sleep well.”

“You too, Thomas,” she replied, and offered him a final smile before he went up the stairs to bed.

So… she was a friend now, was she? Making a new friend at all wasn’t anywhere near what Thomas had expected when he returned to Downton Abbey, but he couldn’t necessarily say he was upset about it. Being understood by someone was an extremely nice change of pace, terrible as it was for her that she could understand him so well. Still, he didn’t want to turn down a good thing just because it was unexpected- surprises like this were meant to be uplifting. 

But when he didn’t exactly feel he deserved it… how was he supposed to manage letting himself have a friend? He figured it would prove to be a good thing that she seemed so patient. 

Once Thomas had gone up, Sylvia picked up their tea cups and put them on the tray, which she carried back into the kitchen. While she worked, she thought over her conversation with Thomas, even glancing back over her shoulder at one point as if she’d see him still standing there. Of course, he was gone to bed, but it didn’t stop her from looking.

He was certainly a very intriguing person, she could easily give him that much. However, what intrigued her the most was how similar to her he could seem. That vague, haunted look in his eyes stayed with her all the way through her cleaning, and up to her room where she changed and crawled into bed. They’d both seen things they’d rather forget, but as she gave in to sleep, she wondered if he would see those things again that night like she knew she would.

Her sleep was far from peaceful after recounting the murder of her friend, Elena, had dredged up those awful memories, and her dreams ran with blood that night. It surrounded her, drowned her, and woke her with a start and a gasp as if she had been choking. A glance over at the clock in her room revealed the time- 3:36 in the morning. Fantastic.

Sylvia pulled the blankets back and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Now standing, she walked over and took a shawl off the hook on her door, wrapped it around herself, and slipped out to go to the bathroom. 

It was deadly still and quiet in the hall, to the point she might have been able to believe the building was abandoned, if someone were to tell her that. But the silence was a comfort after the screams and sobs and pleading that had just filled her mind. Not that it helped her to feel clean after remembering the feeling of a friend’s blood slick on her fingertips, leaking out between them as she tried to keep pressure on the wound so she might survive it. No, that was what the bathroom sink was for.

Scrubbing voraciously at her hands, she swallowed hard as she tried to visualize the blood running off of them and down the drain, leaving her hands perfectly clean. But the harder she scrubbed, the pinker they turned, and the more difficult it became to picture. It was as if her hands were forever stained with the fact she hadn’t saved her. As hard as she’d tried, she couldn’t save her.

She wanted to scream. The feeling was pooling up in her chest to the point that she very nearly did, until she managed to crush it back down. Silence reigned in the room as tears began to run down her cheeks. Years later, and she was still furious. Was this what grief did? Was it supposed to be eating her up from the inside out, until she could hardly sleep anymore? Or was this something deeper? Was there more to the routine nightmares and silent accusations that she hadn’t done enough? Was there something that could make it all just stop?

Sylvia splashed some water up on her face, and brushed her hair back, looking at herself in the mirror. Useless, hissed a familiar voice in her mind. Why didn’t you help me? She lifted the skirt of her nightgown and ran her fingers over the round patch of roughened skin. “I tried,” she whispered. “You know I tried.”

For the time being, she knew that would be enough to get rid of the nasty thoughts. Besides, she really had done everything she could. Even after she’d been shot herself, she’d tried to keep Elena alive, until she was pulled away from her and taken for medical attention herself. Maybe she could have sacrificed herself, but what good would that have actually done? 

“No regrets,” she began to mumble to herself as she made her way back to her bed. “Everything has a lesson. What did you learn that day?” Loyalty. 

Sylvia finally crawled back into bed, grateful for the fact she had no roommate to worry about waking up. Then again, sometimes she wished that she didn’t have to deal with these nights alone. But Thomas Barrow was the only person in that house who knew she’d even been shot. So, alone she was, and alone she would be, unless something changed.

She stared up at the ceiling and gave a small sigh, before turning her head and imagining Elena in the other bed, dark brown hair falling over her shoulders as she slept peacefully. If she could just keep that image in her mind as she fell asleep, maybe she could sleep peacefully for once. Just so long as she could imagine warmth in her chocolate brown eyes when they opened. If she lived, then Sylvia hadn’t failed her, and everything was okay. She could rest.

Sylvia counted herself lucky that she fell asleep again before they could go cold.

Taglist: @butwhyhavethey,@marxin-grilli

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[byronic-af]

Not usually a fan of Hallmark movies in general (for a plethora of reasons, mostly because they are always playing in the background at my house) but I watched Noel Next Door yesterday and found it to be one of the best I’ve seen (although it still has a bunchhhhh of problems, more below).

🚨SPOILERS AHEAD🚨

The two main leads actually have great (dare I say…SEXUAL !?!? Is that allowed?!?) chemistry and are so cute when they flirt with each other throughout. Had this been a different company, there would have been some more spicy 🔥 scenes for sure (I’ll have to find some fics 😈) There is a lot that can be explored with classical-musician-meets-diner-waitress dynamic, even a potential age gap (they already have some height difference), and other cute date ideas around Chicago. I am such a sucker for grumpy/sunshine (that doesn’t teach him about the meaning of Christmas, thank god).

The story refreshingly had some angst with legit real issues for both, i.e. dealing with illness, failed toxic marriages, and raising a preteen son solo, which made these characters more human and stand apart from other HM movies.

However, as cute as this movie was and how well the actors worked with what they were given, there are many ableist elements that are framed as the fault of the male lead, depriving him of his dignity throughout.

The story is loosely based on A Christmas Carol, making the male lead Scrooge-like with encounters in his neighborhood and own home. Being disabled from a stroke, Jeremy needs the use of a cane full-time, can barely use one arm, and lives alone (but why does his apartment have so many stairs???). Everyone in his life is like “Cheer up! Why are you so mean?” and gaslight him to thinking that the justified and frustrated reactions of adult to an unaccommodating world are somehow out of line. Jeremy is trying to survive while society keeps leaving him behind to deal with it all on his own, yet to others HE is the problem and trouble maker, by existing in those spaces with them and finding them lacking to his needs.

While Jeremy struggles to support himself by working from home, he is interrupted by carolers at his front door comprised of a woman and young girls, who won’t take no for an answer and continue to pester him until he shuts the door on them. They then shit-talk him to other neighbors afterwards, shocked at his “rudeness”, never looking inward that THEY might be the problem.

There is a kind (property manager?) character named Luis that is sympathetic to Jeremy’s condition and mental state throughout the story, but even he can’t widen his viewpoint and look at a situation from Jeremy’s vantage. There is an incident early on where Jeremy trips and falls from a power cord in the middle of the sidewalk that lights up the neighborhood Christmas tree. Luis completely misses the point about his own responsibility to clear public walkways (or being inclusive and put up other holidays along with it) and makes it about Jeremy depriving the other residents of Christmas. Rather then providing a reasonable solution (like a mat to cover the cord) Luis is “forced” to take down the entire display so he won’t get sued, making Jeremy unliked by the whole neighborhood. (This whole scene had me yelling at my TV). At the finale, Jeremy asks Luis to put it all back up, but it’s unlikely that Luis did anything different to prevent other people from getting hurt.

There are many instances of visible disgust and awkwardness from other people when they encounter Jeremy’s disability, such a young girl crying confused to her mom seeing him in store, a blind date/complete bitch who whines that he is embarrassing her while he struggles to take off his coat in a restaurant, and a chance meeting with his ex wife who we learn had left him after his diagnosis years prior. Even our female lead Noelle, at first meeting, questions if he is “really disabled enough” to be allowed to use a handicap parking spot, which he is pressured to defend by showing his cane and arm to her. Thankfully Noelle gets better after that 😅

The crux of the story are the building battles between Jeremy (known as Mr. Gier/ #224) and young Henry, the only son of Noelle (known to Jeremy as the mother at #204), as Jeremy is bothered by Henry kicking his house, playing pranks, etc. Compared to the actions of adults in this story, this young character gets the benefit of the doubt as someone who is clearly hurting and learning how to manipulate his parents after their recent messy divorce. However, I am highly annoyed by Noelle’s choices to parent when confronted by new info that her child has been lying to her and going out of his way to upset a disabled neighbor (who she is surprised is the same person she has been dating), and dramatically shuts out Jeremy while Henry goes scott-free. Perhaps she is in denial, or needs to seem like the good parent as her ex husband battles for custody and make Henry choose sides, but these choices and passive attitude are very frustrating as some parents IRL would rather believe the lies of their children then take a respectable adult at their word. Thankfully all 3 of these characters make up in the end as Henry choses to apologize on his own, and Jeremy makes the effort to find common ground to connect.

This movie’s subtext brings up complex questions of how disabled people navigate our modern society, with barely any resolution or justice, despite being a work of fiction. We have so much work to do still to connect diverse talent and with supportive production studios. I am hopeful we will get more stories like this soon: fun, escapist romances with humor AND still faithfully serving underprivileged communities by making them loud and understood instead of just antagonized.