#I’m also not so hot on actual lore so I apologise | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

poohwhin · 2 years

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mandela catalogue volume 4 LONG thought dump. (for my dialovers followers i apologise for clogging your dash)

also big massive tw for this series.

OKAY SO. SOME THINGS! i’m a little bitch and pause the video every 15 seconds, so excuse me. but this also means that i can give you my rambling thoughts for various timestamps SKSKS. i’m not a theorist. i’m just a guy with some thoughts. you can actually skip all this bs if you want since i did an ACTUAL post abt my thoughts HERE.

[ 𝟎:𝟎𝟎 — 𝟐:𝟑𝟗 ]

we’re started with an explanation on the earth’s creation (in relation to christianity). which i always find it very interesting when we’re able to see the connections to religion, even if older bible cartoons and vhs style stories are a little unsettling to me.

but then seeing (what i’m assuming to be) gabriel’s statue just. standing there with his face obscured, after the text “awaken my son” appears is. wow. (definitely had me pausing my video every 3 seconds and hiding behind my phone.) i’m not gonna lie, i never expected alt! gabriel’s influence to go back that far into the christian lore. man’s been here from the jump i guess. (and ofc we get the infamous forbidden fruit scene, and eve becoming painfully aware and scared of the man looking down at them)

[ 𝟐:𝟓𝟎 — 𝟑:𝟏𝟐 ]

i have no real thoughts i just find the idea of someone names O’Brien calling to say hello to Dave to be incredibly endearing for some reason. SKSK. LIL DAVE HAS A FRIENDDDD. (also the windmill cgi(?) i’m diggin it.) also dave’s friend is religious which is. making me anxious for the both of them. SKSKS but O’Brien’s a band member which i find cool as hell.

[ 𝟑:𝟐𝟖 — 𝟒:𝟎𝟔 ]

LIVE ACTION DAVE MOVEMENT?? AHHHHHHH. WHENEVER WE’VE SEEN HIM HE’S JUST BEEN THIS SILLY LITTLE IMAGE. god i live for the live action scenes tbh.

also local businesses havent been doing so hot? man i wonder why. could it be the population dropping by the thousands (/j)

AYO ONE OF THE EMPLOYEES WHO WORKS WITH DAVE FOUND A TAPE FROM THATCHER? AHHHHH??? “same old procedure” , oh dear. i can only fear for what this tape holds.

also found out that Dave himself isn’t religious. which now makes me wonder about the position he’d be in when encountering an alternate. (O’Brien is also so nice though omg. understanding man.)

[ 𝟒:𝟏𝟑 — 𝟒:𝟑𝟔 ]

i just wanna say that alex’s cinematography has gotten SO MUCH BETTER? HELLO? these long black screens have really got me on edge, even though not really any of them have been leading to anything particularly scary. also the employee stealing the tape thatcher sent to, presumably, go watch it 👁️. oh dear oh dear.

BACK TO HIS FILMING SKILLS FOR A SECOND— everything being in black and white as well as him focusing on large silhouettes is just. UGHHHH 😩😩😩. what im assuming right now is some sort of tv has such an intimidating silhouette my goodness. (also “property of dave!! hands off!!!” i love him SKSKS)

[ 𝟒:𝟒𝟐 — 𝟓:𝟏𝟒 ]

ooooo static on da big screeeeeeeen. if its the intruder im literally gonna shit myself omg. he scares me sm.

THE TODDLER STRESS ASSESSMENT VIDEO?? OH NO?? HHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

(at 4:55) WHAT THE FUCK IS ON THAT TV?? HELLO? WHAT? THE FUCK? IS THAT AN ALTERNATE? FUCK THOSE GUYS

( at 4:58) nvm it was a drawing.

eugh i paused on the drawing.

ngl if that’s a child’s drawing i am. very concerned? because why is a child drawing something that realistic and morbid, i am. CONCERNED. but also the intruder is actively stealing children en mass so maybe we have other issues.

[ 𝟓:𝟏𝟐 — 𝟓:𝟓𝟓 ]

i’m ngl i thought that was a face instead of the back of someone’s head.

THATCHERRRRRR

youtube closed captions the audio is not “foreign.” pls.

(at 5:21) bro why did thatcher do a tiktok trend with his delayed ass walk.

wait why are we seeing thatcher’s day to day from this perspective?? is this significant? if it is i think its odd. us just chillin in his cabinet.

[ 𝟓:𝟓𝟔 — 𝟕:𝟓𝟏 ]

omg kid named lola. (also i feel like i’ve seen that last name before but im too lazy to check sksksks). also they’re in art club??? are they the kid who drew the drawing before?? (i mean they’re on the NEWS, SO—)

AYO MISS SARAHHHHHHHH. MISS SARAH HEATHCLIFF HELLOOOOO. (and omg she’s the founder of the paranormal club at BHS??)

(at 6:25) THE LITTLE GHOST ANIMATION IM SOBBING HAHSHSH. HEY LITTLE FELLA.

omg we’re seeing how sarah and adam met. so neat 😩 (also i cant make out the name of the hs adam goes to but it starts with a W. youtube closed captions also arent doing me any favours SKSKS?

adam grew up in mandela?? noice.

bro this silence is kinda freakin me out but that has nothing to do with the video SKSK

SARAH AND ADAM BPS FOUNDERS WOOOOOOOOOOOO

[ 𝟕:𝟓𝟕 — 𝟗:𝟒𝟓]

omg more live action i love it 🫶

(8:26) “look at it and don’t look away” WHATRE WE LOOKIK AT BOYS?? mentally preparing for a jumpscare rn.

the night vision lens scared the fuck outta me my god.

audio lure BITCH ARE THEY LURING PEOPLE OUT?? HELLO? THE HELL ARE Y’ALL TRYNA LURE WITH THIS?

(8:50) oh you got me fucked ALLLLLLLLLLL the way up. I’M WITH SARAH TBH I’D BE SCARED AS HELL.

BRO THERES THE HAND. AH HELLLLLLLLL NAH THERES A FUCKING HAND.

THERES MULTIPLE HANDS. THERE ARE MULTIPLE HANDS?? THEY ARE? EVERYWHERE? BRO?

ngl if this was the sort of ‘norm’ that adam was dragging them to, then i kinda get it. but also i’m an adam apologist so i’ll defend him for the rest of my days.

(9:23) GOD THAT WAS FREAKY AS HELL.

[ 𝟗:𝟒𝟔 — 𝟏𝟎:𝟐𝟔]

i’d be scared as hell too so its okay sarah 🫂🫂 like imagine you think you’re starting this quirky paranormal club then right outta the gate its like “DEMONS 👹”

omg :( sarah’s dialogue reminds me a lot of jonah’s from vol 2 with how she’s starting to think twice. but at least she’ll still do everything else 🫂

“two years later” so are they both 19?? 17?? idk the timeline here but they started bps in high school, so.

[ 𝟏𝟎:𝟐𝟕 — 𝟏𝟏:𝟏𝟓 ]

omg new characters in here. ofc we got sarah, jonah, and evelin but we got a tyler and amanda too? 👁️ damn what happened with amanda 😞 (also jonah and adam stoners confirmed?? tf y’all getting 25mg of? SHARE BITCH?) i also made a note to pay attention to the dates even though my ass will forget.

(jotting them down here: eve: just now | sara: friday | jonah : jan 7 | tyler : jan 2 | amanda : dec 19 ) idk if these are important but i got ‘em.

(10:45) SHAWTY REMOVED JONATHAN AS A CONTACT? MANNNNNNNNNNN. also omg we got a noah?? does he have an arc? (ik i’m so hilarious)

also adam fr give my girl eveline some closure 🙄

[ 𝟏𝟏:𝟏𝟔 — 𝟏𝟑:𝟐𝟏 ]

adam my boy ily but pls learn your “there’s”. c’mon.

idk how i feel about adam’s picture being in black & white while sarah’s is in colour. that’s either important or adam is just emo as hell. (also theyre both grainy as hell. ik its 2009 but c’mon SKSK)

“ and idk what happened to him” changed to “pretty sure he’s dead or something” MY BOY BAHSHSHSHS. “idk he might be dead or smth. rip” LIKE ADAM. SHAWTY. THEN HE JUST MOVES ON LIKE “NAHNAH LEMME GIVE YOU THE GOOD NEWS!!!” BAHSHSHSHS

(12:32) oh. sarah’s pfp change. OH NOOOOOOO. SARAH NOOOOO. okay its back to normal nvm.

“i didnt think it would be that big of a deal” adam. bby. your friend is DEAD? shawty looking out for himself, so power move i guess SKSK.

(13:21) “i dont have friends” okay emo ass.

[ 𝟏𝟒:𝟎𝟐 — 𝟏𝟒:𝟏𝟒 ]

sarah just been going OFF. POP OFF. also adam hanging up like a lil baby 🙄

“no wonder evelin left you” DAMNNNNNNNNNNN

[ 𝟏𝟒:𝟏𝟔 — 𝟏𝟔:𝟏𝟒]

damn mandela county went from 19,867 to 1,075 in just 19 years. also, thatcher :( he sounds SO BROKEN and SO TIRED. his actor did so good :(.

HIS MONOLOGUE ABOUT RUTH. IM GONNA SOB SO FUCKING HARD. “i’ll make you proud ruth” IIIII HATE IT HERE. SO MUCH. also “the darkness followed me home” i will cry so hard dont play with me

[ 𝟏𝟔:𝟑𝟎 — 𝟏𝟕:𝟑𝟎]

Thatcher’s room is just like mine for real.

JESUS I FORGOT THIS SERIES WAS AN ANALOG HORROR FOR A SECOND. GOD I HATE IT. the idea of something being in your house but not DOING ANYTHING. GOD. LIKE NOT MOVING SHIT AROUND OR PROWLING. JUST STARING AT YOU. FUCK. AND ITS JUST THERE LIKE “🧍 lemme talk to you about your car’s extended warranty”

the fact that thatcher and his alternate are having a staring contest has me cracking tf up. they like: “LOL HELLO??”

[ 𝟏𝟕:𝟑𝟐 — 𝟏𝟖:𝟐𝟗 ]

OH THE LADY WHO WORKED WITH DAVE WAS EVELIN IM AN IDIOT BAHSHSH. but omg dave is in SHOCK. THE GLASSES CAME OFF. him finding out evelin went through the shit >>>> but him firing her :(

[ 𝟏𝟖:𝟑𝟎 — 𝟏𝟗:𝟒𝟒]

omg. HES TAKING O’BRIEN’S OFFER AHHHHH

“remembrance”. oh dear.

OH MY GOD THATCHERS ALTERNATE? MOVING IN REAL TIME? HHHHHH. AND HE CALLED OFF ALL UNITS? EUGHHHHH. god alex is so talented with his cgi i stg. and the emphasis on how INHUMAN those face movements are. eghhhhhhh. that was some chameleon shit i stg.

(19:17) BRO BACK UPPPPPPPP. GOD BAHSHSHS. got ALL UP IN YOUR FACE, JEEZ. anyways.

“dead or alive you’re no use to these people” i will cry. thatcher :(

“a scared boy with a gun” AHHHHHHHH

[ 𝟐𝟎:𝟎𝟎 — 𝟐𝟏:𝟑𝟐]

him writing his letter to ruth. :( GOD I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPYYYYYYY. I WANT THEM TO HUG, AND BE PEACEFUL. GODDDDDD

oh no he’s crying :( . THE ACTING IS SO GOOD IM GONNA CRY OML. thatcher is so sad dude. :((( “now your dead ‘cause i was so fucking scared” HNNNNNNNNNNNN.

so i’m gonna assume that thatcher is dead now? :( i hate it here.

[ 𝟐𝟐:𝟐𝟖 — 𝟐𝟑:𝟓𝟕 ]

youtube closed captions this is not applause.

adam what is this capcut ass video BAHAHSHHSS. COULDNT EVEN GET JONAH’S PICTURE IN 😭. A THREE SECOND “a celebration of life” BRO OF WHO’S? 🤨 HOW TF ARE THE SUBSCRIBERS SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO YOURE TALKING ABOUT SHAWTY 🙄 god this kills me SKSKS

ADAM THIS ISNT ANY BETTER BAHSHSHHSHS. this man is READING A SCRIPT, BRUH. “jonah passed away peacefully” now you know damn well.

[ 𝟐𝟑:𝟓𝟖 — 𝟐𝟔:𝟏𝟓]

oh shit we got home footage now. ALSO CAN I JUST SAY? NIGHT VISION CAMERA’S ARE FREAKY AS HELL. i cant tell if its just normal motion blur/it tryna refocus or if theres ACTUALLY SMTH THERE.

omg its the preacher’s (or was it the messenger? idk) image. heyyyyyyyyy

OH WAIT ITS A DRAWING. i cant make out the words on it though. 😞 but the sentence itself looks like it was cut off, so even if i could read it it’d be incomplete.

BRO WHO’S HOUSE IS THIS? WHY ARE THE DOORS SO FUCKING TALL?? WHY IS EVERYTHING STRETCHED OUT?? is it just the lens or is this house ACTUALLY just wonky as hell.

ooo what’re we covering up??

DAMN JONAH WAS 21? and the mf’s middle name was edmund.

oh no.

this funky ass text is really gettin me. also adam really just spitting some hot philosophy to evelin 🤨 damn. tbh if i was told even HALF the shit he was told i’d be mad too.

(25:20) bro this video. oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear. also had me thinking that my youtube was buffering but nah thats just the video sksksk.

[ 𝟐𝟔:𝟏𝟔 — 𝟐𝟔:𝟐𝟐]

ooooo correspondence. alex is really THRIVING with words ending in “ence/ance” 😩😩

[ 𝟐𝟔:𝟐𝟑 — 𝟐𝟖:𝟎𝟎 ]

i have. no words. absolutely NO WORDS BAHAHSH. this post really just. sums up my thoughts SKKSS. nah but?? face studio 2 ??? where tf is the first one? anyways that demonstration video was freaky but i find it hilarious that alternates are sittin at their lil desktops customising their face <3 BAHSHHSS.

[ 𝟐𝟖:𝟎𝟏 — 𝟐𝟖:𝟐𝟖 ]

oh dear it transitioned to home footage. oh my.

OH. OH OKAY. WOW UM. HELLO MISS LYNN’S BODY

i’m assuming thats the intruder’s face in the corner. but the phrase ‘a thriving society’ with this image is. eugh.

“a thriving society of followers of the true saviour(?)” is that what was said? there was a lot more after that but after the word ‘true’ i could hardly make anything out.

okay everyone hold tf on because i’m about to try and make out what he’s saying at 28:03

“a thriving society of followers of the true saviour. his entangled (?) limbs danced around my bedroom. i held my breath. and waited for it to stop. i was too scared.” then it glitched out from there, but i assume it repeated some of the stuff already said???

hey stinky.

[ 𝟐𝟖:𝟐𝟗 — 𝟑𝟏:𝟐𝟗 ]

OMG HEY EVELINNNNNNN.

omg wait she’s looking for thatcher. 😰😰😰 oh dear oh me oh my.

(29:48–30:00) GOD these long pauses are unsettling as hell SKSKSK.

(30:06) thatcher?? hello sir. i guess my earlier thought about him being dead was wrong SKSKSK. BUT IM GLAD(?) AT LEAST? i’d miss him for real. ALSO HEY DAVES BACKKKKKKKK.

dave sounds like he’s been crying. i mean i could be completely wrong and it’s probably just the audio editing but man.

“how much of that was really worth it though” i mean he got a point.

“find a new meaning in life” the fact that he’s saying that to THATCHER hits.

[ 𝟑𝟏:𝟑𝟎 — 𝟑𝟏:𝟑𝟒 ]

malignance. alex here again with the SAT words 😩😩

[ 𝟑𝟏:𝟑𝟓 — 𝟑𝟐:𝟏𝟒]

Evelin’s sitting at Thatcher’s desk, oooooooooo

MISS MA’AM WHY ARE YOU LOOKING THROUGH HIS DRAWERS SKSKSK.

[ 𝟑𝟐:𝟏𝟓 — 𝟑𝟑:𝟒𝟕 ]

i love the cgi and backgrounds and shit. gives me early black and white movie vibes. or even some later films and edward scissorhands beats.

OMG DAVE. IS AT THE CHURCH?? oh shit that means i’ve gotten to the moment everyone’s RAVING about.

O’Brien’s become an alternate hasn’t he. the inflection in his voice is off.

(33:25) IM SORRY? DID THE HEAVEN’S THEMSELVES JUST FUCKING OPEN? HELLO?

[ 𝟑𝟑:𝟓𝟎 — 𝟑𝟓:𝟏𝟓 ]

FUCKING GABRIEL IS BACK AHHHHHHHHHHHH. idk how to feel about this disney villain ass voice though.

(33:56) ew i hate featureless figures so much HHHHHHH THE SCARE FACTORS ARE STILL HERE

bro gabriel really is the joker rn good lord SKSKS. but him impersonating O’Brien’s(?) voice. AHHHHHH

omg wait, ive been seeing things say that dave offed himself (which is likely true) but im gonna assume that the dark substance running from his eyes is blood?? in my head that IMMEDIATELY makes me thing of how you should never look an angel(?) in the eye (i think thats the thing), because you won’t be able to comprehend it. even though he 99% offed himself i think to thing he died from looking gabriel in the eyes.

okay i take that back there’s blood pooling from his head. he likely threw himself off a ledge or smth.

also hi gabey wabey would you be interested in maybe. NOT? DOING THIS?

[ 𝟑𝟓:𝟏𝟔 — 𝟑𝟕:𝟎�� ]

oooo we got evelin lookin through some filessssss. and theyre ADAM’S FILES, OOOOOOOOOO.

okay so adam is also 21. gotcha gotcha. so adam was 4 when he was yoinked through the TV.

OH! adam didn’t react to anything on the toddler stress assessment? oh jeez. this kid’s got some guts ig idk. SKSKS.

(35:59) BRO DID SOMEONE LOCK EVELIN IN? THOSE LEVERS ARE FOR LOCKS, RIGHT, or maybe alarms or smth idk.

oh shit oh shit.

“Mr. Davis?” LITERALLY ANYTHING BUT.

(whoever) SET OFF THE ALARM?? MANNNNNNNNNNNNNN. alarm systems are scary as hell dude my god. got me thinking of purge sirens.

OH HELLLLLLL NO. i really like the use of the spinning siren lights to create atmosphere though. vv nice <3

[ 𝟑𝟕:𝟏𝟎 — 𝟑𝟗:𝟎𝟗 ]

omg the messaging sequences are back. and SOMEONE’S BEEN TRYING TO CONTACT HIM? HELLO?

“Hello! We have been trying to contact ADAM MURRAY. Is this you? Please confirm YES or NO” “Hello! We have been trying to contact ADAM MURRAY. Is this you? Please confirm YES ”

unsettling as hell.

OH! HELLO THERE!

STANLEY??? YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT THIS WAS STANLEY THIS WHOLEEEEEEE FUCKING TIME?? AHHHHHHHHHH.

“with contorted flesh and broken bones i made myself known” aw he just wants a friend SKSKSK.

“your skin is not your own” UM!!!! also ngl i never expected him to be so gentle with the children he takes.

“you are not the real you.” SIR?!?!?! SIRRRRRR??

[ 𝟑𝟗:𝟏𝟑 — 𝟒𝟎:𝟓𝟑 ] ; 𝐄𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬

uh. wow okay. SKSKS. THERE WAS SO MUCH IN HERE AND I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS. which i will try to compile in an actual post that isn’t my own brain dumb. <3. but uhh

“I deceived them. the mandela prophet. it begins today” wow thats cryptic. then pictures of ADAMS FACE? HHHHHH. okay anyways if you made this far ily. <3

#; poo talk #; tmc rant #mandela catalogue

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danwhobrowses · 5 years

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Tinfoil Discussions: One Piece Wano Arc

So this is gonna be a new thing; I don’t particularly post on Tumblr but I am the kinda guy who likes to put thoughts out there, so this is the first ‘Tinfoil Discussion’ where I’ll just be ranting personal opinions of various mediums. This first discussion involving One Piece’s Wano Arc.

It’s worth noting that there are Spoilers enclosed in this discussion up to One Piece Chapter 954, if you’re not caught up then I would advise not reading this until then...unless you’re not worried about spoilers. Also this’ll be an essay, no light reading here I have a lot flowing through my head.

So the Wano Arc has been something we’ve been waiting long for, not just because it was promising to be a Zoro-heavy arc but because it had been mentioned continuously and central to many elements of One Piece Lore; it’s where the Meito are made, the Poneglyphs were carved and is the den of Yonko, Kaido. Right now we’re in the second act of the arc, in 5 days the Ninja-Samurai-Pirate-Mink Alliance will take back Wano from Shogun Orochi and then hope to defeat (and potentially even kill) Kaido in Onigashima

Here’s the But though, is that enough time?

Because I don’t actually think so anymore. Undoubtedly the Fire Festival will not go to plan, not that anything ever will, but such bodes the question where we go after. Right now I can only think of two routes; the first is that the Wano Country Arc is utilizing a 5-Act Structure rather than the 3 that’s common with story narrative or Wano is the setting of 2 Arcs (Similar to Jaya/Skypeia or Water 7/Enies Lobby): Wano Country and the ‘War of Wars’ arc. Either one is something I am all for, even both would make narrative sense, so how will it pan out?

What will go wrong? (Note if the discussion cut off here I apologise, it seems CTRL+Enter is to post) The Obvious thing that will halt the Straw Hats is the Alliance between Kaido and Big Mom, both of whom having an axe to grind with Luffy due to their activities in Punk Hazard, Dressrosa and Whole Cake Island. There’s also other things at play though; the threat of Law ending his alliance (doubt he will), Edward Weevil’s pursuit of Marco, the creation of Sea Prism Stone weapons, CP0 in the Flower Capital and the lingering uncertainty that is what Kyoshiro is planning. All of these will likely lead to the Alliance either failing at Onigashima or failing to reach Onigashima, hopefully the latter, but that does not mean that the arc will be for naught. The Straw Hats are not strangers to taking the Big Picture L; Water 7, Sabaody, Marineford and WCI prove this, so what matters to this stage of Wano (possibly Act 3) is the small victory.

The Small Victory The plan on paper is simple; meet at the port, usurp the vulnerable capital, sail to Onigashima, defeat Kaido. Since the last two as we’ve covered are where the L starts to take shape, the victory must lie in saving the people of Wano and fulfilling Toki’s prophecy. Usurping Orochi does not seem to be as troublesome as defeating Kaido, even ‘Hiyori’ was able to throw him into a wall, the only true threat level is in Kyoshiro and the All Stars. This is something that can easily pan out the alliance’s way, but the victory could be gifted rather than seized. As I mentioned, Kyoshiro has yet to play his hand, how ‘Hiyori’ faked her death still unknown, it would seem that the Yakuza boss has his own plans, something that when the Alliance comes could end the usefulness of Shogun Orochi. As a result, Kyoshiro may allow the Alliance to take Orochi down, losing the battle so he can fight in the War. This theory also aligns with why I’m using parenthesis on Kozuki Hiyori - I still don’t trust her. But we’ll get to that, the other victory that would need to be addressed is the cure for SMILE, a role that may happen before or after claiming the Capital, it is certainly a thread we must resolve before leaving Wano and it can be proving ground for Chopper’s medical expertise - already impressive since he easily remedied Queen’s Mummy virus.

Kozuki ‘Hiyori’ Even if she is Hiyori - not that Kawamatsu recognized her, there is the consideration that the considered ‘most beautiful courtesan in Wano’ may be on Kyoshiro’s side. For over a decade he did look after her and they made a note that she knows how to play the long con, Kyoshiro also compares the courtesan like one of his own family, something she may feel like her Father didn’t provide. This could make her the anti-Pudding of the arc, which some may be annoyed by but it would be an ironic juxtaposition since Pudding played the ‘Woman as Temptress’ role for Zoro’s...rival? Brother? Brival? Sanji, whatever Sanji is, but Hiyori has done little to truly connect with Zoro the way she has tempted other men, woman even jumped into bed with him while he slept and he wasn’t impressed. So her turning on her kin can also give a unique personal twist to the Oden Clan’s involvement against Kaido and it may gift Shusui to Kyoshiro for his and Zoro’s proper clash, Enma possibly being a fake as she finally found something she can con out of Zoro - that could just be me wanting Zoro to keep the black blade though. This is whether she is indeed Kozuki Hiyori, and not someone who knows the story, though I’m 80% sure she is on that front, Oda is a man of misdirection.

The Reverie Connection Part of what makes me think that Wano will go beyond the Fire Festival is this connection to the Reverie, the brilliant mini-arc left on a cliffhanger as intermission between Acts 1 and 2, and slightly carried by Bege’s cover story, but it had information that bled into Wano. Come Act 2′s end, I expect the Reverie arc to resume so that we get new action, the Alliance of Big Mom and Kaido will certainly reach the Marines, through moles or CP0 as they return, this is likely what’s going to cause them to converge and let us know more about the Rox Pirates. This may also be position for another mystery of One Piece to rear itself: Dr Vegapunk. Vegapunk is hot commodity, he knows how to manipulate seastone, has most likely treated the Punk Hazard children and knows about the Vinsmoke genetics from his old partnership with Judge, there is also the Warlord Replacement Fujitora and the hidden Ryokogyu have discussed. Atop of the Im and Revolutionary plot notes will lead plenty of butterfly effects for mid and post-Wano storyline, but for Kaido to get his war the WG would need to get involved (and they’d want to keep an eye on the land that wrote the poneglyphs), and it will take time either way, much more than 5 days.

What the Aftermath of the Fire Festival Will Bring The Alliance’s initial failure to defeat Kaido is likely what’ll lead to the thing that makes Oda tout that Wano will make Marineford look small. The convergence of the WG will bring big guns and showcase some more of the Marine’s strength of force and how it can impact the rest of the world, with hope I’d like to see Tashigi get the arc she was due from Wano too, she is a swordswoman and this is the land of swords, also I’m tired of people calling her weak (all her opponents are high tier; Monet almost killed Luffy, Vergo almost broke Sanji’s leg, Law cut a mountain and Vergo in half, I could go on), moments for characters to step up can be built properly in this time as well, because all the Straw Hats need that next level bolster. Sanji may have the Raid Suit, Nami may have Zeus and Luffy is learning the Advanced Haki but the likes of Zoro, Usopp, Chopper, Robin and potentially Franky can use this stage to properly announce themselves to the world. We can also use this time for the much-theorized Zoro origin lore, Poneglyph stuff and Marco’s message to Luffy, this may also provide time to pick up threads left by WCI; Jimbei, the Vinsmokes, Pedro, this may also provide time for Big Mom’s remaining forces (primarily Pudding and Katakuri) and the Straw Hat Grand Fleet to converge on Wano also. There are also loose ends with Wano; the person Hitetsu is waiting for, Kidd’s Crew, Denjuro, Ox Third Boy, Basil Hawkins (hope that guy is alive), the possibility of a codenamed Ace of Kaido’s crew, the frustrating absence of Carrot throughout most of the arc (such a downfall from potential Nakama to not even in background), possibly even the Oars connection to Kaido’s Numbers, above all of them however is the appearance of someone that has been frequently hinted as of late...

Gekko Moria Moria isn’t popular with fans, but his positioning in Wano is something we should take note, Bege was going to Thriller Bark, Moria has escaped Blackbeard’s clutches, Perona is looking for him and his graverobbing has been mentioned. I think Moria could get involved in Wano, and be partly instrumental in allowing Zoro to keep Shusui, his axe to grind with Kaido may also be a useful weapon against him and Big Mom, using Zombie Samurai to improve numbers. Like Buggy and Cesar, he may end up being a reluctant temporary ally to the Straw Hats. Moria can also provide Blackbeard intel, but I don’t expect him to stick, may go the way of Bellamy and bow out after.

So that’s stuff that mulls around my head, theories of factor as to why I expect Wano to last longer, possibly even beyond Chapter 1000. To conclude I’ll just throw on some mini theories I have:

Zoro will at least buddy with Onimaru the Lion Fox, for a while. Zoro is fox in Spanish and he has Shimotsuki connections even if he isn’t of their clan due to Koushiro living in Shimotsuki village

We’re gonna learn something about Ace, he was a Spade Pirate and Kaido names his ranks after playing cards, there is a link

Luffy, Law and Kidd will fight together, just as they did in Sabaody

The Crew will only properly reunite in Onigashima, where they will have a Walk

We’ll learn of why Wano was the City of Gold, and Caribou may reap from it (I like his face turn but I don’t trust his greed)

Sandai Kitetsu will break, probably to Kyoshiro’s hand - this could be a la Rurouni Kenshin, whose Sakabato was destroyed

Kaido will face Monster Point Chopper, Chopper and his Rumble Balls should really be something Kaido would want

Big Mom will betray Kaido (’mama always makes the preemptive move’), Hawkins will join a new crew (I think he was betrayed, there were cuffs on the wall where he lay before Law) - be it Big Mom or the Grand Fleet and Momo will not be the next Shogun, I guess Hyou could be but he was a Yakuza leader, but Momo wants to learn about Zou and I think he’ll stick with that

Dogstorm and Nekomamushi will go Su Long

As well as the Bounty Increase, several Straw Hats will get new titles. Titles like ‘Pirate Hunter’, ‘Cat Burglar’, ‘Devil Child’ and ‘Cotton Candy Lover’ are not befitting of crew members anymore

So yeah, got that all off my chest...I won’t just talk about One Piece I’ll have more, if anyone reads hope it had some refreshing insights, if not then we’ll see how wrong I was XD

#one piece #wano arc #luffy #zoro #kaido #big mom

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flusteredmountainman · 5 years

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Since a bitch got sent one (1) ask only about. my ask meme that I created lol I’m going to go through and answer B) all of them bc i can... its selfcare.....

First 3 answers above the cut, other 47 below lmfao

Favourite of the main 6? I think the title of my blog speaks for itself lol

Least favourite of the main 6? Garbage stink piss man (Lucio)

Which of the main 6 do you want to slap the most? The aforementioned piss man but.... also kjaenfjkfea at times. Julian very badly because he’s just Like that but he’d probably enjoy that unfortunately

Which of the main 6 have the most similar interests to you? (favourite colour, flower, food, drink, season, hobbies etc.) Portia tbh!!! She’s a very sweet spring girl and I also have a fairly similar personality to her.

Who has the most tragic backstory? Mmmm.....muriel.......... I mean everyone has a pretty sad past but Muriel’s really is something else. The man is Heavily traumatised and I desperately want to give him a hug :(

Favourite side character? Mazelinka.... adopt me challenge kjaefkjnaf. i cant stop thinking about “goat bitch” what a fucking icon

Favourite animal friend? Faust!!!! shes a good girl!!!

Best/worst of the courtiers? fuck i dont remember any of their names but valerius is. hot basard. worst is vlastomil hands down im kinkshaming anyone who wants to fuck the worm

Fuck, marry, kill (asker’s choice) Well skajfnkajf I’ve shot myself in the foot but. TBH its like. Marry Muriel, fuck everyone else, kill Lucio (full disclosure I only just finished julians upright ending and haven’t played Nadia’s yet so this may change except for wanting to marry Muriel and kill Lucio lol)

Romance or fluff? (Muriel) Fluff!!!!! Muriel deserves all the affection in the whole wide world. He gets sick? Bundle him up in furs by the fire and cuddle up into him with a good book. You look at him once? he blushes. it really doesnt get fluffier than that ++ a lot of his character arc in general is going to be.... letting himself trust you............. which is. so fucking wholesome

Wild night out or quiet night in? ( Muriel ) Quiet night in lmfao. We’d just hang out inside drinking hot chocolate and talking until we fell asleep propped up against the wall in his tiny house having completely lost track of time.

Adventure or domesticity? ( Muriel ) I wanna say adventure because. I love travelling! I love going out and trying new things! And Muriel very does Not but I feel like getting him out of his comfort zone would do him some good! Starting small would probably be best, like maybe a tramp or going camping once in a while, then building up to bigger trips to other cities once you’ve convinced him you’ll both be ok as long as you’re prepared.

Cute date to the aquarium/zoo/park or elegant dinner date? ( Muriel ) I already answered this one B) I said: “ Definitely somewhere casual!!! I feel like he’d be most at ease somewhere like the park on a sunny day! Pick a nice grassy spot by a creek and bring a basket and have a really nice, chill picnic, and have a nap together in the early afternoon sun. Go for a walk after and talk about Plants (because i. am a biology student lol) and generally just have a really relaxing time. Give the man a flower? Tuck it behind his ear? and he’d die kjnaefjnaej. Alternatively….. aquarium………. “

Coffeshop AU, high-school/college AU or modern AU? Give a headcanon about the one you chose jnakfjkjaf coffe shop AUs are so cliched but I actually love them for the settings of meetcutes. You meet Muriel when he’s on his rounds as a part time dog walker around the block and you barrel straight into him coming out of the shop when you’re checking an email, spilling the (now cold) remnants of your beverage all over him. You apologise profusely and he shrugs it off, blushing over your fussing and awkwardly tries to excuse himself. You insist on helping him finish his walk with All these dogs, anyway, you like dogs so it’s no trouble, and he begrudgingly agrees to finish the interaction sooner. You end up having a nice chat with him and notice in the weeks after that he starts coming by the shop without the dogs during the times you’re usually around, even though he doesn’t drink coffee. Your conversations with him during these short interludes quickly become the highlight of your day, and you start to suspect, eventually, that he feels the same :)

If (Muriel) turned up on your doorstep at midnight covered in blood, how would you react? Well I’d clean it off.... of .......course............. 👀👀👀

You’re stranded on a desert island; which 2 of the main 6 do you want with you? Muriel of course not only because I adore him but he’s. also a mountain man. Handy. And Asra because hes a good good magic boy and can make sand into water so.... handy. also asra is just an incredibly blessed person so kajefnkjaef

If your apprentice could go back in time and change one thing before the events of the game, what would it be? lucios birth :^)

You’re sick; who do you want to take care of you and why? I think I’m becoming predictable but. Muriel kjaefnkjafnjf you took such good care of him so it’s only fair that he should return the favour. He’s got a surprisingly good bedside manner and is generally just very gentle. Cooks eggs and grumbles that you should be taking better care of yourself but when you say thanks for all his help he blushes and kinda. stands up slightly straighter bc hes secretly happy he can Help

If you were trapped in an elevator with one character for 8 hours, who would you want it to be and why? Jojaefafjoafe ok so. Porbably Portia because she seems 1. one of the least likely to panic and 2. Would have fucking great conversation the whole time.

Give a headcanon about Nadia She loves romcoms!!!! She would never ever admit it to anyone though, but she’s a huge sucker for romance stories in general. Cries at the end of mamma mia. Uses it as an excuse to snuggle all the way into your shoulder.

Give a headcanon about Asra He’s extremely lactose intolerant but he eats it anyway bc hes Chaotic and gives 0 fucks about how bad his guts feel afterwards, the cheese was Worth it dammit (and I say this bc thats also me kjaenfnef)

Give a headcanon about Julian Had a brief stint in his teen years where he unironically identified as sapiosexual

Give a headcanon about Portia She loves playing with hair/having her hair played with! Catch her falling asleep with her head in your lap as you weave your fingers through her hair.

Give a headcanon about Muriel I also already answered this one!: “ He’d be really into gardening if he knew how! Catch me digging up all the dirt around his house and planting herbs, flowers (*cough* forgetmenots *cough) and other medicinal plants, and some strawberries for when spring comes! “

Give a headcanon about Lucio Unironically identifies as sapiosexual now even though he’s a huge dumbass himself

Give a headcanon about a side character/the apprentice (asker’s choice) Nadia’s dad gets pegged

Give a popular opinion that you disagree with People calling Muriel a dom. have you. looked at this man. I have to laugh

Give an unpopular opinion Lucio sucks lol

Tarot or zodiac? Zodiac!!! Mostly bc I know exactly 0 things about tarot, I appreciate the aesthetic tho!

What is your patron major arcana? Oh worm I just looked at all the explanations in the wiki and tbh. The empress uh. dragged me with how much I ID with that (both reversed and upright) so akejfkjfae thats mine

Upright or reversed ending? Upright

Ot3? Me x muriel x asra (muriel has 2 hands and 2 tiny partners)

Brotp? jakjefnkanfe i love. portia and julians sibling banter. the good shit

Favourite non-apprentice-based ship? asriel............................. till i die............. (pordia is also fucking god tier)

Is the apprentice you, or your OC? thats just me bich kajefnkjnafe we living our best self indulgent lives

Tell me about your Apprentice(s) im a big bi mess and i would die for muriel and thats it really

Favourite piece of worldbuilding lore? already answered: “ I really love how much of a shithole Vesuvia is kjbanefknaefk like. No formal process of trial/law? Public executions just being how people Do things? someone fucking help this city lmfao”

Favourite background/location? ok i really love nopal bc of all the cacti but tbh like. really anywhere theres a lot of cool nature? the forest is fucking good

The Forest or Nopal? bring the cacti from nopal to muriel’s hut in the forest and it’s perfect

The Palace or the shop? thheeee shop. i like the palace but i think id get Overwhelmed not being able to just. be in my own space a lot lol

The Rowdy raven or the library? the library with a healthy amount of alcohol lol.

Favourite sprite?

43. Favourite character design? I !!!!!!!!! really. love Asra’s design bc of its howl callback but all the designs r fucking cool 44. Best masquerade outfit? Nadia’s..... glamorous..... 45. Best scene? Muriel. hugging. faust you and asra. hes so fucking wholesome ill cry...... or just straight up both of his books akjenfkjafn 46. Worst Scene? Honestly any containing lucio 47. Favourite song on the soundtrack? I love Crowd hammer! (predictable) but also memory 48. Best tale/bonus content? I dont remember names im terrible but i/ love the muriel one ofc kjneafkjn 49. Best CG?/ 50. Favourite memory?

#muriel #its not. an ask but imma tag it that way #asks #hcs #it speaks #nadia #lucio #julian #portia #asra #jaye writes

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candymayvary · 6 years

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So I just finished episode 15 of Eldarya... I’m very. Conflicted. Hm.

Even though I’d pretty much already had ep13 broken down for me, I still wasn’t super prepared for the route the game took. Like, I mean, I’ve been playing otome games for a really long time, so I have personally read and absorbed a lot of scenarios that were... subpar, or questionable. I mean, in anything, but especially in this particular genre of gaming, there’s like. A limit? I suppose? of what actually borders on accepting that it’s just the framework of the game, and then what the absolute fuck were the writers thinking.

And well, I kind of sat stunned with my jaw open after ep13 lmfao. Ep14 was just. A blur. I’m still not sure I’ve absorbed what happened, but I got all the illustrations so I’m not going to replay. One thing I will say is that I’m partially glad that Guardienne didn’t just let it go, like Candy has been written to do after an episode or two (granted, MCL always relied on being more episodic slice of life, than having a storyline+lore to tie everything together). I’m glad that she brought it up, and how a lot of her dialogue options allowed her to express her anger and betrayal, instead of just monologuing it away. Like, I was angry. And the game let me express that, especially towards Miiko.

I had honestly never been more happy to see Huang Hua at the end of ep15. Like, I did the route with Nevra to get the illustration, but my interest just kind of plummeted a little there. I can’t really wrap my head around how that was approved as a scene. It’s not titillating, and I’m glad you could straight up say to Nevra that it wasn’t a kiss, that was just assault. I mean, don’t get me wrong, his apology and promise to do right by Guardienne did make me smile, but I was already emotional because of everything with Alajea anyway.

I think I’m also just. So frustrated with how Miiko is written. We’re told she’s struggling, that her mentor passed before she was deemed old and wise enough to step into the role laid out for her, and she’s quite literally leaping before looking at nearly every single step... but I don’t feel that she’s growing. I can’t find a redeeming quality in her, no matter how sympathetic to her situation the game tries to play her up to. I want to like her, I really do. But there are so many faults in her character, and I do understand on some level the why, that just kind of really restrict and make the praises she heaps on Guardienne and others feel really empty.

I mean, she literally had to have Huang Hua force her to apologise, because she was ‘waiting for the right time’. For months. And when she was called out for her actions? Excuses. I feel like Ewelein is going to look for a reversal, based on her dialogue (or at least, that’s my assumption), but all knowledge has been conveniently lost from the library. So SHRUGS

On some level, I know they’ve advertised Eldarya as a more mature romance game. And I know what happens in the later episodes. But I just... have to question the direction. Beemoov have been in hot water for a long time, long before what happened with MCL, because of just how much controversy Eldarya caused from pretty much ep13 onwards. It’s all fair and good to say that they will go into areas that are just. Questionable. But when you’re writing a game like this... there’s only so much you can do. Especially since considering the audience you’re writing for. It’s just making me. Doubt. Basically. A lot of stuff.

#*personal #idk im just #shrugs #under a cut just bc i ramble a bit

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ssunsxt · 7 years

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Out of curiosity, who are your favorite EqG/MLP villains/antagonists? I liked Wallflower and I think I still do, but your opinion was super interesting and is making me reconsider just how much I like her.

This is looooooong, so I’ll put it under a read more.

Starlight is one of my top 3 villains because she was just doing her own thing until Twilight and the gang showed up– but even then she was getting up to some pretty messed up stuff; however, even then, her motives were kind of justified.

Starlight felt like she was abandoned by her bestfriend because she wasn’t good enough– and that seriously messed her up. So instead of taking her anger out on the friend that abandoned her she instead tries to eliminate the feeling of inadequacy (which tbh isn’t that an idea when you think about it). She had the right theory, but went about it in the wrong way, and then things got too far and she wasn’t really able to go back and fix anything.

Then and only then did Starlight choose to blame a group of people for what happened to her (the loss of control of the town); and instead of doing something petty– NO– she once again shows us just how far she’s willing to go to achieve what she wants (first it was discovering how to remove cutie marks, and now its finding out how to time travel???) Starlight is a force to be reckoned with, because of her sheer drive and ambition to reach her goal. Even after Twilight shows her what will become of the world she calls her a liar and thinks she can’t trust her because the one person she did trust, left her.

She never once tries to take things out on Sunburst, and is actually embarrassed about what she did, to the point she’s too nervous to go see him when they find out he lives in the Crystal Empire.

Her motives are justified because she suffers from feelings of abandonment and inadequacy– which are kind of what Wallflowers motives are supposed to be. Except, y’know, Starlight executed them perfectly.

My second favorite villains are The Dazzlings (I’m counting them as one force).

Their designs are unique and stand out, not to mention I absolutely LOVE any kind of lore pertaining to mythical creatures– and funnily enough, sirens are one of my favorites.

They were banished to the human world and ultimately fed up with how dull it was due to the lack of magical power and influence they had in that world. They created chaos for the sake of chaos and because they wanted to be powerful and have control over people. Their personalities were all super likeable too, and I loved how they used emotional manipulation to put Sunset in her place, and ultimately achieve what they wanted– The Rainbooms to fall apart and argue. Their motives were clear from the start: we want power and influence and we’re going to manipulate people to get it. Wallflower was bitter and jealous of a girl that didnt even know she existed, and instead of trying to change herself, she wanted to ruin this girls life to get back at her over nothing.

Their creating chaos for the sake of chaos is also one of the reasons I love Discord as one of the villains in MLP. He just loves messing stuff up because he thinks its fun, not because he has any desire to be powerful– he just loves creating mischief, and he doesn’t stop doing this even after he is reformed; he just doesn’t do it as extremely.

Now last but not least, my favorite villain: Sunset Shimmer.

Sunset’s motivations, like Starlight’s, come from how she feels and thinks about herself. She always thought she was destined for greater things, and after seeing herself as an Alicorn in the mirror, that idea was cemented in her mind. She felt Celestia was holding her back and that if she was going to get what she felt she deserved, she had to work for it herself– because even her own teacher wasn’t helping her at this point.

Now you need to think about context for this next part. Sunset was young and naive when she first saw the mirror, and Celestia knew she wasn’t mature enough to learn about its true powers (being a portal to another dimension), which is why she doesn’t tell Sunset right off the bat everything about it. So, when she travels through the mirror, she thinks this is her chance to become what has been implanted in her mind; an Alicorn– a ruler of Equestria.

Except, she was still super young when she went through the mirror.

She wanted to be a princess and rule beside Celestia, but now she was stuck in a world that was nothing like her own, and even if she wanted to go back, she didn’t think she’d be welcome; and that’s evident even after her reformation.

So here comes Twilight Sparkle– her replacement, in a way– who gets everything Sunset wanted. She’s deemed Celestia’s “prized pupil”, she becomes an Alicorn and becomes a princess; and that’s just a bitter pill to swallow.

Sunset also struggles from feelings of inadequacy– which is why she feels like she needs to be the best. It’s why she has to make everyone else feel like they don’t matter– because that’s how she feels– and if no one else matters, then she has to, right?

Wallflower targets a girl who doesn’t know she exists, as does Sunset– however, Sunset’s vendetta isn’t entirely because of how popular Twilight is– it’s because she’s Sunset’s replacement, and she got everything Sunset felt she deserved. It hammers home her feeling of inadequacy and that she wasn’t good enough in Celestia’s eyes.

Sunset isn’t a monster– she’s a naive girl who wants to prove that she means something and that she’s destined for greater things.

She admits to bluffing about smashing the portal– but she was also bluffing about knowing what would happen when bringing an element of harmony into an alternate world– and that’s evident when we see how terrified she is when transforming into her demon form.

My distaste for Wallflower is due to the fact they take the good aspects of past villains and completely tarnish what made them good.

She’s shallow and petty and had no real reason to justify her actions, and even when she’s called out on it, she still continues to go further (trying to erase everyone’s memories of each other) and only apologises after the humane7 power up and destroy the stone– her only real defence of form of power against them.

I doubt she’s sorry for what she did; she’s only sorry that she was stopped and had no means to fight back anymore.

But that’s just my hot take on it.

#sunset shimmer #wallflower blush #the Dazzlings #mlp eqg #mlp equestria girls #mlp: equestria girls

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deadcactuswalking · 5 years

Text

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 3rd November 2019

I apologise for how late this will probably end up being posted, but we have a big week to talk about, with EIGHT new arrivals, two from Selena Gomez, three from Kanye West and two appearing here in the top 10 so I’m just going to get through everything as soon as possible to the best of my ability, although this week has several...mishaps on the BBC page to say the least, so I’ll try to correct them if I can, and I have had to wait for my week of non-stop Weezer listening to end or for me to accidentally slip up and listen to something else so I could actually write about the new arrivals here.

Top 10

Interestingly, none of the nonsense that this chart week ensued seems to appear in the top 2 or shake the #1 at all, as “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is at its fifth consecutive week at the top of the UK Singles Chart.

“Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean – well, it’s actually a remix of a Jay Sean single but just let me relish in the fact Jay Sean is on the charts again – isn’t moving either at number-two, the runner-up spot.

The first impact that we can see at the top level of the charts is the debut at #3 for Selena Gomez’s first US #1 “Lose You to Love Me”, which the BBC has interestingly misspelled as “Loose You to Love Me”, her 13th UK Top 40 hit, fourth top 10 and highest-peaking song ever, after “It Ain’t Me” with Kygo peaked at #7. We’ll talk more about Selena Gomez’s two new arrivals later.

Thanks to Gomez, Post Malone’s “Circles” is down one spot to number-four.

At number-five is Ed Sheeran with “South of the Border” featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B, down three spots this week to number-five.

We have our second new arrival within the top 10, at number-six, “Follow God” by Kanye West from his ninth studio album, JESUS IS KING. He has several songs debuting here in the UK Top 40 this week, so we’ll talk more in-depth about his mini-album bomb later on, but this is his 44th UK Top 40 hit, which is crazy impressive, and his 20th top 10.

At number-seven, boosted up 11 spots by an Ariana Grande remix, is Lizzo with “Good as Hell”, making it officially her biggest song in the UK and her first top 10 hit, as well as Grande’s 16th.

Up two spaces to number-eight this week is “Memories” by Maroon 5.

Down two spaces from last week, we have Dermot Kennedy at number-nine with “Outnumbered”.

Finally, at #10, to round off the top 10, we have Lewis Capaldi’s “Bruises” down four spaces from last week.

Climbers

Naturally, there aren’t many climbers here because of the album bomb and influx of new arrivals, but we do have some unfortunate boosts for “hot girl bummer” by blackbear up five spaces to #25... and that’s all.

Fallers

Fallers on the other hand... we could split this up into genre, actually.

For pop, rock and EDM, we can start with “Lights Up” by Harry Styles deservedly flopping six spaces down to #17, then continue with “10,000 Hours” by Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber down 12 to #29, “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston down eight to #31, “Sorry” by Joel Corry featuring uncredited vocals from Hayley May down 10 to #32 and finally “Don’t Call Me Angel” by Ariana Grande featuring Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey down 13 to #39 – but that’s not all.

For hip hop and R&B, we have “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” by Travis Scott down seven to #12, “Be Honest” by Jorja Smith and Burna Boy down five to #14, “Professor X” by Dave down seven to #21, “Take Me Back to London” by Ed Sheeran featuring Stormzy and remixed by Sir Spyro featuring Aitch and Jaykae down nine to #28, “Playing Games” by Summer Walker down nine to #33, “Ladbroke Grove” by AJ Tracey down 10 to #35 and finally, “Taste (Make it Shake)” by Aitch down nine to #39... but again, that’s not all.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

We have no returning entries but we sure do have a lot of dropouts, some of them genuine hits such as “Strike a Pose” by Young T & Bugsey and Aitch out from #36 and “Beautiful People” by Ed Sheeran featuring Khalid out from #39, hits that never really hit the landing with the British general public but have been on the middling section of the charts for a while and could easily rebound like “Motivation” by Normani out from #27, “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo and remixed by DaBaby from #31, “frick, i’m lonely” by LAUV and Anne-Marie out from #32 and “Lalala” by Y2K and bbno$ and remixed by Carly Rae Jepsen and Enrique Iglesias out from #37, as well as some genuinely premature drop-outs such as “Graveyard” by Halsey out from #29 and finally, “47” by Sidhu Moose Wala, MIST, Steel Banglez and Stefflon Don out from #38. Now, finally, after all that time spent on stray UK Top 40 observations... let’s talk about Kanye.

ALBUM BOMB: Kanye West – JESUS IS KING

On October 25th, Kanye released his ninth studio album, JESUS IS KING, after missing several release dates and changing name from YANDHI. Kanye, a now born-again Christian, makes a “gospel” album free of any explicit lyrics, accompanied by a short film of the same name. It features an all-star guest list of vocalists and producers, including frequent collaborators Ant Clemons, Benny Blanco and Mike Dean, the reunion of legendary rap group Clipse, trap beat-makers Pi’erre Bourne and Ronny J, and smooth jazz saxophonist Kenny G. Obviously, it went #1 in the US, #2 here, but to mixed reviews – now, I won’t be focusing on the politics that surround the album and I am not very knowledgeable of religion so I cannot really comment on much beyond my understanding of Christianity and arguably more importantly, the lore of Kanye West. Mark Grondin of Spectrum Pulse already quoted more Bible quotes in his album review than I could remember digits of pi, and several people, like DeadEndHipHop, Sean Cee and even Anthony Fantano, whether you like them or not, have made several in-depth discussion videos about whether West’s sudden revelation is a genuine moment for the rapper, a mental breakdown or a cash-grab. I’m here to discuss the music... but even that’s not very good. I wrote a very lengthy review for the album two days after it came out (And before it went through an additional few fixes for mixing quirks, sigh) which will be linked here if I remember, and overall, it was disappointing, a light 4/10 and easily the worst record in West’s discography. Regardless, let’s talk about the debuts here.

#20 – “Closed on Sunday” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West, Angel Lopez, Brian “AllDay” Miller, Federico Vindver and Timbaland – Peaked at #17 in the US

Features uncredited vocals from the Sunday Service choir and A$AP Bari(?)

The most memeable yet also one of the most detestable tracks on the album, this is his 45th UK Top 40 hit. “Closed on Sunday” was one of the few tracks set to fail off the pure concept, as the biggest issue with most songs on JESUS IS KING is the lack of development or complete mishandling of great ideas, to the point where there basically is no effort to, you know, write a song here. “Closed on Sunday” is essentially one verse split into half due to a flow switch at the midpoint, and despite a runtime of only two minutes and 32 seconds, it drones on endlessly, with a solemn guitar melody leading into what could sound like a pretty cool, dark ballad, built up by the choir vocalising in harmonies that sound actually pretty great but then the 808s come in and ruin any sense of harmony. Kanye comes in with some of the worst mixing I’ve ever heard vocals have, especially on an album with the budget Kanye has, with a lot of background noise and I can even hear the buttons pressed on the phone or other device Kanye is using to record at about 0:38, which signals a drastic change in how the vocals are mixed, but it’s still shoddy and allows them to have some pretty severe clipping during the “chorus”, until a sudden shift where a turgid beeping sound works as a pathetic excuse for you know, an actual synth, and until now, Kanye’s vocals have not had reverb or Auto-Tune added onto them, so his vocals being drenched in effects actually sounds great here... but he still has a sore throat and sounds like he’s struggling here, although unlike “God Is” and just about the entirety of 808s & Heartbreak, where it adds to the emotive performance, Kanye sounds bored and with no choir backing him like they could have been, the release here just isn’t as cinematic as it could be and it just sounds like a melodramatic Kanye aimlessly spouting random Bible motifs over 808s without taking his daily Dequadin lozenge... and there are no drums... ever. Oh, and A$AP Bari comes in at the end to shout “Chick-fil-A”, abruptly interrupting the beat’s natural progression and making it clear as day that the album is unfinished. Also, speaking of those lyrics, should you really be comparing YOURSELF to a fast food restaurant that donates charity to anti-LGBT hate and pressure groups? That’s not very Christ-like, Ye. It probably wouldn’t matter if they didn’t either, because a thinly-veiled Taylor Swift reference (Yes, I know the Bible mentions “snakes” and “vipers” as much as reputation does, but the two aren’t on good terms so it’s no coincidence in my opinion) and calling God your “number-one with the lemonade” don’t exactly make you sound like a wordsmith. Oh, and A$AP Bari, the uncredited vocalist on the outro, pleaded guilty to sexual assault earlier this year, which again doesn’t exactly sound like a Christ-like thing to be supporting either... but I digress. The version he performed on Jimmy Kimmel with a genuine choir backing him and a brass band is miles ahead of this, so don’t bother with this version, or better yet, don’t bother with this monotonous crap at all.

#19 – “Selah” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West, E*vax, BoogzDaBeast, Federico Vindver, benny blanco and Francis Starlite – Peaked at #19 in the US

Features uncredited vocals from the Sunday Service choir, Ant Clemons and Bongo ByTheWay

Now, I’m slightly more positive on his 46th UK Top 40 hit, “Selah”, the opening track (Aside from the short “Every Hour” interlude / intro track which is only Sunday Service) of JESUS IS KING, yet that might actually make it more frustrating and it’s easily the track I come back the least to because overall, it’s actually pretty uninteresting and doesn’t have a true “hook”. It starts with some cloudy synth noodling that sounds kind of cool with the subtle strings but then Kanye comes in with some pretty awfully-mixed vocals that is incredibly unprofessional, teasing his fans for wanting YANDHI, and saying it was coming before “Jesus Christ did the laundry”, and quoting John 8:33 to excuse his “Slavery is a choice” comment, which he’s been trying to respond to the backlash to for about a year and a half now, failing each time. Also:

Pour the lean out slower

Hold up –that ain’t Christ-like. The explosions of marching band drums come in in a similar fashion to “Feel the Love” off of KIDS SEE GHOSTS, and then honestly the bridge, which is insanely repetitive but builds up tension perfectly with Ant Clemons and the Sunday Service choir repeating “Hallelujah” incessantly with distant guitar strings, handclaps and sudden pitch shifts reflecting the change in Kanye’s mindset and the intensity soon becomes a lot more ramped up from now on, finishing the bridge with a pretty beautiful vocal line that the 808s hilariously harmonise with. Then, Kanye comes back in with a verse co-written by Pusha T, and you can REALLY tell, and it’s still awfully-mixed, when there’s no true excuse. He’s drowned out by the bursts of drums and bass as well as the choir’s recurring vocal sample. The best part of the song soon kind of fizzles out in a chaotic outro, in which fireworks literally go off while Kanye screams nonsense as well as “Yeezus” which isn’t exactly Christ-like, but it sounds insane and honestly a tad odd and unfitting for the album, which is supposed to be an uptempo Christian rap album? While there are parts of this song I don’t approve of, especially Kanye, who ruins pretty much every song he’s on... on his own album, this is pretty tolerable, albeit somewhat contradictory lyrically and far from my favourite Kanye track. At least there’s some grandiosity and emotion here.

#6 – “Follow God” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West, BoogszDaBeast and Xcelence – Peaked at #7 in the US

I should be thankful for the grandiosity and emotion behind “Selah”, because this sure doesn’t have any of that. How the HELL does this have three producers? How on Earth does this album have 11 people on the mixing and mastering and yet this still sound like absolute gutter trash in my headphones? “Follow God” is easily the least interesting song on the JESUS IS KING album, and that’s pretty impressive for a record that contains the song “Water” with Ant Clemons, yet it’s the biggest and I don’t see why at all. There straight-up isn’t a chorus by any meaning of the word, or its many synonyms, and its dated production almost resembling 90s hip hop in the soul sample from 1974’s “Can You Lose by Following God” by Whole Truth and the genuine 90s groove and funk that is somewhere here in the beat, doesn’t exactly make it sound like a catchy trap banger that would reach the US top 10 in 2019, but it’s there. It’s called by many fans a spiritual successor to 2016’s “Father Stretch My Hands” from The Life of Pablo but other than using the lyric “Father, I stretch my hands”, I don’t see it, mostly because the 2016 effort doesn’t actually have much relation to Christianity outside of the beautiful gospel choir harmonising with Caroline Shaw on the bridge of that single. In fact, that song does a better job at flipping Christian rap on its head – it’s a two-part trap banger featuring verses from Desiigner and lines about... bleached posteriors. This song on the other hand is only one minute and 44 seconds, with one badly-mixed and distorted verse from Kanye that is as repetitive as the mind-numbing recurring “Yeah” vocal sample and prone to making me roll my eyes with its one verse and the... outro of sorts. But since this beat is so minimalistic, surely he wants us to hear what he’s saying, right? Well, no, probably not, because not only is his “wordplay”(?) and half-rhymes embarrassing, but I have so many questions to raise to this drum pattern. I want to interview the 808 and the kick drum and ask what the heck they think they’re doing.

People really know you, push your buttons like type-write

That’s not a sentence. “Like type-write”? Excuse my brief, unsubtle blasphemy, but Jesus.

Every single night, right? Every single fight, right?

The ‘i’-based rhyme scheme here is cool in concept and he finds his way around it pretty well, in a fast-paced rap flow that I actually really like, but it reeks of laziness, especially since not only does he completely abandon the rhyme scheme 55 seconds in but – yes, I counted – his verse is 69 seconds, that’s one minute and nine seconds. To put into perspective, Rick Ross’ verse on “Devil in a New Dress” off of Kanye’s 2010 album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is one minute and 28 seconds, only twenty seconds longer than this one, and it includes ten times as much clever wordplay, story-telling, interesting flow switches and bars that are really epic, making the song feel really celebratory of sorts actually – and that’s without the epic guitar solo that precedes it. What a fantastic song. On the other hand, this song is substance-less and Kanye says very little of anything despite how much he crams into every bar in the rapid yet sometimes pretty awkward flow. What he’s supposed to be discussing is his situation with his father and how when he was yelling at him and having a massive argument and fall-out, Ray West told him, it wasn’t Christ-like, leading to a revelation and possibly becoming the catalyst for the already-kickstarted Christian rebirth. Surely, his dad and God are the two most important men in his life, right? Then why does this feel passionless and boring? Why doesn’t this feel genuine? Fellow Christian rapper NF, a white rapper who makes bland piano-lead pop-rap with sung hooks, would call this flavourless, dull and more importantly, grey. It doesn’t feel blue and gold like he wants it to as he uses the colours to imply royalty, luxury and loyalty to God on the album cover and lyric video. This doesn’t show loyalty. You made this in five minutes, Kanye. You made this on a whim because you had an idea and you ran with it but you had no idea on how to actually develop it into something interesting or even listenable. What part of this shows royalty, luxury and a rich, graceful connection with God? This sounds cheap and gross, and frankly incredibly disappointing from such a talented artist. I haven’t even gotten onto the rest of the song, man, and I don’t even want to. “Decimal” doesn’t rhyme with “wrestle”, Kanye. “Wrestlin’ with God, I don’t even want to wrestle”? That’s the deepest you want to go into your confusion and conflict between Christianity and fame? That’s pathetic, as is the random screaming at the end of this track for quirky or emotive bonus points. There’s nothing lifelike or Christ-like about your lifestyle, Kanye West. Get some help.

NEW ARRIVALS

#34 – “Nice to Meet Ya” – Niall Horan

Produced by Julian Bunetta – Peaked at #9 in Ireland and #83 in the US

Sorry to any of the Niall Horan fans who crashed his website when this single was announced, but I have considerably less to say about the rest of these new arrivals than I do about Kanye West and/or Jesus Christ. I have to talk about them regardless of if I have anything I can actually add, and this one is one I’ve actually already heard since I watched the MTV EMAs and he performed it. I thought nothing of it initially, but this is the Irishman from One Direction’s comeback single after his debut studio album Flicker. This is Horan’s third UK Top 40 hit and first since 2017’s “Too Much to Ask” which peaked at #24, and I did not expect this shift to late 90s and early 2000s dance-rock, but I am definitely not complaining. It starts with a catchy piano line that’s pretty Robbie Williams-esque, then the drop comes in and it is killer. The sleek synths decorating the rock drums in a lot of slickness that you wouldn’t expect out of such a meek stage presence add to the chorus pretty well, but the best part of that chorus is the distant pitch-shifted vocal sample yelling in the background, making it feel even more industrial which again is out of character for Niall, the quiet, shy folk boy, but he definitely has the charisma to pull off this type of swaggering, stomping pop rock anthem, and he proves that in the sing-along bridge, where even his murmuring hums stand out, and while he’s drowned out by the cool bassline and drum pattern most of the time, his vocal delivery really is the highlight of the song, even if that is equally vintage and in a way, pretty nostalgic for the era it replicates. Funnily enough, it has the same lack of care for organised structure that “Lights Up” by Harry Styles had just two weeks ago, but the careless, reckless groove of this song works a lot more in Horan’s favour than Styles’. Just saying.

#27 – “Orphans” – Coldplay

Produced by Rik Simpson, Dan Green, Bill Rahko, Max Martin, Angel Lopez and Federico Vindver – Peaked at #14 in Scotland

Coldplay, with their most recent upcoming album Everyday Life, are getting pretty experimental. It’s an hour-long double-album kept a secret until a month before it is set to release featuring a track list full of songs that have odd stylisations like “BrokEn” and share song names with Arabic poems. “Arabesque”, the B-side to “Orphans”, is a storm of nu-jazz trumpets with a Fela Kuti-inspired breakdown and uncredited guest vocals from Stromae, as well as profanity, which is a first for the band. I’m not surprised at all that one didn’t kick off but we are instead left with their 24th UK Top 40 hit and first since “Something Just Like This” with the Chainsmokers peaked at #2 in 2017, “Orphans”, which is a lot tamer of a track to say the least. That doesn’t mean it’s any worse though. It starts with a kids’ choir singing before we get into a tropical rock jam with a funky bassline that I wouldn’t be surprised if Flea wrote, it’s that tight. Chris Martin sounds as focused on Christianity as he did on the Avicii album earlier this year, directly name-dropping Heaven in the first verse, and then joining in with the nonsense words that the vocal samples had been repeating prior to the verse. The chorus is pretty reminiscent of arena rock, specifically “Paradise” I feel as it has that same nasal falsetto but in a lot more palatable fashion, mostly because this actually has groove and you know, a pulse. Yeah, this is pretty great, and I love the bridge of purely the mythical guitar and Chris Martin’s ethereal vocals. Something I didn’t notice on initial listen is how that the song is about a girl, Rosaleem, during the Damascus bombing in Syria from last year (That’s what the nonsense words and sound effects are all about), who is greeted by angels who talk to her about what Heaven will be like, which is “almond and peach trees in bloom” but also a place for her dad to get drunk and talk with his friends so he can feel young again. That’s actually pretty deep subject matter, and together with Niall Horan, I’m glad we can have some fantastic rock on the charts again. “Arabesque” is the better of the two Coldplay songs though.

#26 – “Look at Her Now” – Selena Gomez

Produced by Ian Kirkpatrick – Peaked at #7 in Slovakia and #27 in the US

Man, those last two songs were so powerful and organic, I almost want some disposable garbage to review next. It’ll just be easier. Oh, we have two Selena Gomez songs and a new AJ Tracey single to cover? Perfect, that’s just what I asked for! Yeah, this is Selena Gomez’s 14th UK Top 40 hit and it is awful, but not even close to as offensively bad “Closed on Sunday” or “Follow God” are. It’s just a mistake on all fronts. The passionless vocal samples drowned out in the background that peters out by the verse and the nothingness of the synths and a glitchy beat that abruptly kicks itself out of the mix every other second, as well as Selena Gomez’s weak, whispery vocals don’t exactly scream “passionate, boasting kiss-off” to me. The chorus is absolutely PATHETIC, if it even exists at all – I mean, it’s just a bunch of different sound effects Selena Gomez made pretty much, with her rhythmically humming as if that’s an excuse for an actual chorus with some unintelligible, stuttering and sometimes whispered repetitions of the song title as well as several “W-w-w-w-wow”s that add very little to the song and seem pretty pointless. This is mixed well for the most part, despite the synths clipping at times and Selena’s vocoder-ed ad-libs in the second chorus being way louder than anything else in the mix, but I have no idea what the composers of this song were thinking. What a trainwreck. It almost sounds like glitch-pop to be honest, it’s chaos, and if it were marketed as that maybe I’d appreciate it more, but if this is supposed to be a genuine brag to Justin Bieber asking him to see what he’s missing, he might as well have dated a robot. I think a RateYourMusic user summed it up best: “This is so monumentally mediocre that it barely even exists.”

#22 – “Floss” – AJ Tracey featuring MoStack and Not3s

Produced by The Elements and AJ Tracey

AJ Tracey is a British rapper who had his break out this year and he released his self-titled debut studio album back in February, but it now has a deluxe edition, with five extra songs, this being one of them. I wasn’t exactly impressed with the album as it’s mostly pretty bland Americanised trap fluff with only some promising elements of dancehall (“Butterflies” with Not3s and remixed by Popcaan), grime (“Horror Flick”) and UK garage (“Ladbroke Grove”, one of my favourite songs of the year) propping up whenever AJ sees fit, but it’s 48 minutes so these moments can’t carry the whole track listing. Lucky for us, he’s increased that runtime to just over an hour and included a couple more boring trap songs to listen to. Joy. This is AJ’s seventh UK Top 40 hit, MoStack’s eighth and Not3’s sixth. This song relies on a pretty sweet falsetto vocal sample under a surprisingly energetic trap beat, with some pretty nice steel pans and cowbells in addition to the skittering hi-hats and 808s. AJ Tracey is pretty okay here, but I feel with these lyrics and beat he could have gone for a faster and more impressive flow than what he brings out here. I’m still in love with his “bling-blaow” ad-lib though. MoStack is embarrassing as always, with an oddly-mixed verse and sometimes off-beat flow, with the most obvious difference between him and AJ being that there aren’t any ad-libs or multi-tracked vocals, which is mostly the same with Not3s’ non-existent and actually pretty unnecessary bridge (He should have just added to the final chorus, though his last few bars sound nice). Mo does have a pretty funny line about how you wouldn’t be able to notice him on CCTV and would confuse him with Dave though. This is better than I expected, but still nothing of interest to me. Sorry.

#3 – “Lose You to Love Me” – Selena Gomez

Produced by Mattman & Robin and FINNEAS – Peaked at #1 in the US

Now, much like Coldplay, Selena Gomez also released two lead singles, however both charted and they are drastically different to Coldplay’s, quality-wise at least. This is supposed to be the big massive smash ballad hit that hit #1 in the US, becoming her first ever song to reach that peak, but I can’t bring myself to care, because honestly, this is one of her least interesting singles she’s ever released. Out of all of her songs, including some I actually like such as “It Ain’t Me” and “Same Old Love”, this seems like one of the most unlikely #1s yet it tugs at our heartstrings with the pianos from FINNEAS, Billie Eilish’s brother and producer, and it’s about how Justin Bieber dumped her with wordplay revolving around “purpose” – wow, it’s almost like she’s talking about Justin Bieber’s ALBUM, Purpose! Ugh, her mind! Okay, I’ll stop mocking her fanbase and the general public, because this really isn’t a bad song. Selena Gomez can’t sing, so through thinly-veiled Auto-Tune, the producers cleverly multi-track her vocals to create a grand, powerhouse chorus out of the repetition of “To love, to love, yeah” and because it’s a pop ballad, the vocals can be breathy and untrained and it’s fine, right? It’s a ballad, it doesn’t need to be perfect, and hence we can take advantage of the complete lack of singing talent this person has. I don’t know, it just seems so cliché and predictable to me. You can only tell it’s a FINNEAS beat once the second verse hits and the synths get jerkier with the bass wobbles, and he usually has a pretty signature sound, so yeah, that’s the best way to put it. Or, perhaps, this song is also so monumentally mediocre that it barely even exists.

Conclusion

Again, I’m sorry this is out so late but it was a big ordeal to write, especially due to all the Kanye songs. I’ll try and get the next one out a lot sooner, I assure you, but there’s an album bomb this week too, so we’ll see about that. Anyways, the Best of the Week is going to Coldplay for “Orphans”, who just barely edged out Niall Horan, who gets the Honourable Mention, with “Nice to Meet Ya”. Worst of the Week should be obvious, in fact, it’s not going to a song, it’s going to three songs, all by Kanye West. “Saleh” isn’t all that bad, but JESUS IS KING was such an immense disappointment that I think he should be crowned Worst of the Week based on not only “Closed on Sunday” or God forbid “Follow God”, but also on principle alone. The Dishonourable Mention is going to Selena Gomez for “Look at Her Now” for being hilariously misguided in the production area, Jesus. I’m going to wrap this week up with a Top 40 ranking of the whole chart on Twitter, which I’ll try to do bi-weekly, no guarantee, so follow me there @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and shoddy attempts at humour, and I’ll be seeing you here again next week. Peace!

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artificialqueens · 8 years

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What’s That Coming Over the Hill? (New Year, New Au) (Trixya) – Ellen Thwoorp

Summary – There are things in this world that don’t make sense. Creatures that shouldn’t exist in the real world. Entities that suck the life from the living. Those who want to bring the world to darkness. There are only two people in this world who can stop them.

A Russian ex-cop with a taste for danger and an unhealthy obsession with her car and a bubbly ex-hairstylist with a passion for mythical lore, who somehow got roped into both monster hunting and a relationship with said Russian.

Follow them on their investigation into a string of murders and an abduction in a small town.

A/N: This is a supernatural-esque AU. Now this sounds like it’s going be morbid/serious as hell but it’s actually fun and kind of cracky. Also not really scary, unless you’re afraid of stupid jokes and flirting. I somehow wrote 12K for this story, so much for my short AUs… Also Dina’s Fun Aunt Holiday Bonus will be submitted later in the week as I’ve decided it’s better for me to have separate deadlines for my series and for DFA. Enjoy!

“I got a good feeling Trixie, this is gonna be the one.” Katya said excitedly, hands drumming on the steering wheel of her shiny vintage Impala. “Katya, people are dead.” Trixie chastised looking back down at the map on her phone. The car became quiet as Katya looked guiltily out at the road ahead.

“…And it’s never going to be aliens, especially not this. This clearly looks like a werewolf.” Trixie added, unable to resist this particular debate again, mostly because it warmed her heart to see Katya get excited over little green men. “I��m telling you.” Katya insisted, smile firmly back in place as she slid her sunglasses on. “Bet you its aliens.” She said playfully as the cars in front of them halted for a light. “Oh yeah, what we betting with?” Trixie snorted, looking up from the map to regard her mad partner. Almost four years they’d been hunting paranormal entities and cryptids, getting into dangerous scrapes and saving lives. God, Trixie could write poetry about it if she could find something to rhyme with ‘she saved me from a monstrous spectral rhinoceros.’ But alas, their story didn’t seem to lend itself to poetry. “If its aliens you give me a handie.” Katya said, dropping her sunglasses to give Trixie an exaggerated suggestive wink. Maybe no poetry was a good thing if that was what she had to work with. “Oh my god, I hate you.” Trixie laughed despite her words. “Pay attention to the road you dork.” She added as the traffic in front of them began to move again. “No you don’t you lurrrrrvvve me.” Katya sang. “You don’t let an ancient spectral priest, with one leg and an unhealthy obsession with Tina Turner, marry you to someone you hate.” She added casually, fiddling with the radio. “First time for everything.” Trixie quipped back as music began to blast out from the speakers. She smiled as she began to look for a motel on her phone. She should never have let Katya make that hunting playlist. She’d filled it with every monster themed song she could think of. The Russian sang along to Monster Mash under her breath as they turned off the highway onto a long quiet stretch of road. ………. After checking into their rather small yet decently equipped motel, the pair made their way to a carnival which had conveniently come into town just a month before the disappearances and murders began. There had been disappearances in the area for the past year, nobody particularly well known or liked. Several homeless people, old shut-ins with no family and teenage runaways. The sort who people wouldn’t even notice disappear. That was until the last disappearance, Helena Jones, daughter of local Politian. Police and volunteers searched long and hard for days.

That was when they found the bunker.

Inside they found twelve bodies along with Helena’s jumper. Each body had its stomach ripped and torn apart, organs missing. They still hadn’t found the girl and chances were growing slim. But the police hadn’t made a connection that Trixie had. They’d reported that each month someone had gone missing but what they hadn’t noticed was that they all went missing within the two days before a full moon, all with the exception of Helena.

Katya and Trixie pulled up to the carnival, and got out of the car.

“Oh god, clowns, Trixie there are clowns here.” Katya whispered anxiously as a clown passed them on a unicycle, his cigarette smoke blowing in their faces as he passed. Classy. “Uh, duh it’s a carnival.” Trixie replied, giving Katya a look as they stepped up to the ticket stand. “Yeah but I didn’t know they still had clowns, nobody likes clowns.” Katya insisted as they bought tickets from a very bored looking teenager with a brow piercing and a bad attitude. Trixie took the tickets with a polite smile and took Katya’s hand. “Sure they do.” Trixie shrugged, surveying the carnival. It wasn’t very busy today it seemed. There were a few children with candyfloss stuck all over their faces. A group of teenagers played the shooting game in a hopes to impress the pretty young woman running the game. They stepped over to a notice board covered in posters. “Trixie. They are beings of the purest evil and they want to eat your face and wear your skin.” Katya continued warningly, pointing to a poster for a ‘Bernie the Amazing Wolf Man’. “They all float down here, Georgie.” Trixie quoted, her voice deep as she took a picture of the poster on her phone. “Don’t even joke about that. That’s a fucking documentary.” The other woman snapped, looking suspiciously at the poster for ‘Clown Extravaganza. They’ll slaughter you with laughter’. She shuddered. She didn’t know exactly why she hated them so much but she did, ever since she was a child. “Katya. Remember what you said to me when we were on the bee case?” Trixie sighed, turning to the mad Russian with a fondly exasperated look on her face. “Calm your tits and take a bubble bath.” “That’s the one.” Trixie nodded, dropping down to press a quick kiss to Katya’s lips.

“Sorry. The wolf man is on in an hour, you want some candyfloss?” She said, looking down at her watch. She jerked her head to motion to the food vendor down the makeshift street. “If there’s one person who might be able to tell us something.” They both looked in the direction of the balding, reedy man serving doughnuts to some young women. His eyes followed them longingly as they walked away, chattering away to each other.

“Thirsty friends?”

“Thirsty friends.” Katya nodded, turning her back to the vendor as she took off her leather jacket and adjusted herself slightly in her bra. She ruffled her hair as Trixie admired her figure in her tight ripped jeans and black cut off tank. “How do I look?”

“Ghastly.” Trixie replied sarcastically, pulling off her cardigan and stuffing it in her handbag. “I can barely stand to look at you.”

“I love you too.” Katya laughed, before slipping into character as they began to make their way to the vendor.

“Hi handsome, could we get some of the fudge and two doughnuts please.” The Russian said brightly as they reached the vendor. She’d changed her voice to this simpery Valley girl she always seemed to slip into. It was either that or the two characters Katya called Trish and Maureen. Trixie wasn’t as good with the accents so she ellected to follow Katya’s Valley girl lead.

“Sure thing.” The man blinked, looking Katya up and down, eyes briefly pausing on her breasts before quickly flicking to her eyes. He smiled and nodded, moving towards the blocks of fudge.

“It is just so Goddamn hot.” Trixie sighed, fanning herself with her hand.

“Um, you ladies want a third?”

“Oh my god, how did you know? We’ve been looking for a third all over but nobody seems to think they can handle us both at the same time.” Katya gasped excitedly, looking at the man with a coy expression.

“Oh my god Tanya, he means of the fudge. You’re such a slut.” Trixie cried in mock horror, laughing softly and flipping her hair over her shoulder.

“You weren’t saying that last week when we were with Kevin, Stephen and Bobby.”

“I’m sorry about her. So what’s it like working here? Do you live in the area or travel with the circus?” Trixie apologised, pushing Katya out of the way a little so that she could lean on the counter.

“Um- hah. Its ok I guess, I travel with them but I won’t be here all that long, we’ve already stayed longer than usual. Down to the new attraction I guess.” The vendor replied, directing most of his speech to Trixie’s chest. The knife he was folding for the fudge was still raised as though he’d forgotten he had it.

“New attraction, is that the wolf guy?” Katya asked, leaning against the side of the stand.

“Bernie? Oh no he’s been with us years now. The clowns, I think they’re foreign or something they never really talk to us.” He shrugged, suddenly realising he wasn’t doing anything with his hands. He began to cut the fudge into pieces. “My dad says they’re nice but kinda odd.”

“Your dad?” Trixie questioned.

“Yeah, he owns the carnival.”

“Oh, so you’re kinda like the Prince of the carnival.” Katya said brightly, earning herself a kick from Trixie. That sounded too much like she was making fun of him. Trust Katya to say something like that.

“Will you take over the business? Is it a generational thing? That’s adorable.” Trixie cooed, smiling brightly.

“Ah, I suppose. One day that office will be mine.” He assured them, jerking his head towards a portable cabin. He took a deep breath before speaking again. “So you ladies here with your boyfriends or something?” His eyes stayed glued on the fudge he was wrapping as he asked the fumbled question.

“No. You should call us some time.” Katya grinned.

“Really?” He blinked, look up at them in surprise.

“Yeah.” Katya nodded, taking out a pen from her pocket and writing down a phone number on his hand. “My dad might pick up, we look after him. Tell him you’re looking for Tanya and Vicky.” She instructed, patting his hand as she took their treats. "Oh and don’t call until Thursday, we won’t be home.”

“What number did you just give him?” Trixie asked as soon as the vendor was out of earshot.

“Remember that old guy that used to live next door to us in Massachusetts, the one that talked to his plants and used to tape bible verses to our front door?”

“Yeah.” Trixie said slowly.

“His number.”

“You know only people who were alive in the Stone Age memorise phone numbers, right?” Trixie quipped, nudging Katya’s arm fondly as the Russian dipped into the paper bag in her hand.

“Shut up.” Katya cried, mouth full of sugary doughnut. Trixie rolled her eyes, reaching forward to brush sugar from Katya’s cheek.

“Is he still watching us?”

“No, there’s customers. A family. Now’s our chance.” Katya said quickly as they picked up their pace walking in the direction of the office.

……….

Two broken bobby pins, muttered swear words and sugary fingers later they slipped into the office, quickly shutting the door behind them. Trixie head straight for the desk. They didn’t know how long they’d have so it was best to work quickly and get out as soon as possible.

“This would be so much easier if this guy knew what a filing system was.” Trixie huffed as Katya came to join her. “If we can find some kind of records on the people who work here.” She mused as Katya went over to the filing cabinet and opened the top drawer.

“This man has a lot of porn in here.” She snorted, pulling out a magazine with a very busty nun on the cover. She opened it curiously before Trixie noticed what she was doing and gave her butt a smack.

“Not what we’re looking for you sex beast.” Trixie reminded her, keeping an eye on the small plastic window on the wall across from them.

“Jealousy is a sin.” Katya chuckled “If you want me to look at you naked, all you have to do is ask.” Katya smirked, putting the magazine away.

Trixie snorted as Katya closed the top drawer and opened the one beneath it. She began to rifle through poorly labelled files. They were searching almost fifteen minutes before she found a small book labelled ‘Legal’. She opened it curiously. “Hey Trix, I think I’ve got something.” She said, holding out to the book to show her partner. Written inside was a scribbled log of all the attractions, when they joined the carnival, where they were from, previous experience and their wage.

“Perfect.” Trixie grinned, taking the book from the other woman. “This says Bernie the Wolf Man used to work in finance in LA. And now he works here?”

“You know what else is weird.” Katya hummed, tapping her lip with her finger.

“What?”

“The clowns, they work for free and it doesn’t say where they came from.”

“Maybe they’re not legally supposed to be here?” Trixie suggested. Katya was right, that was unusual. But working for free doesn’t make you a murderer.

“I wonder.” Katya muses before checking her watch. “Bernie the dog man is in ten minutes, babe.”

“Wolf man, Kat. Wolf man.” Trixie snorted, taking a picture of the book pages on her phone. “We better go then.” Katya nodded, putting the book back exactly as she found it.

“That went well.” Katya said happily as they stepped out of the office, shutting the door behind them as they re-entered the carnival as nonchalantly as possible.

“You got the ring on?” Trixie checked, Katya nodded holding up her hand to show the somewhat gaudy pure silver ring. Werewolves had an aversion to silver. All they had to do was offer to shake the man’s hand or touch him and if he resisted in fear they knew. It had worked pretty well as a system so far. Time to see the show.

………………

“Well that was interesting.” Trixie mused as they made their way back to the Impala.

“What a joker, you can’t really think he’s a werewolf can you?” Katya asked incredulously. That Bernie fellow might play rough and tough on stage but the moment they’d encountered him off stage he was the most zen, vanilla tree hugger she’d ever met.

“Wouldn’t shake your hand.” Trixie pointed out as Katya pulled the car keys from her pocket.

“He said he was a germaphobe.”

“Uh-huh, sure.” Trixie said disbelievingly as she sat in the passenger seat. Katya hummed sitting in the driver’s seat, an odd look on her face. “What’s up?” Trixie asked, noting the tightness around her partner’s eyes and the twisting of her lips. “This all feels very wrong.” Katya confessed, twirling a lock of hair around her finger as she often did when she was nervous. Her eyes follow a pair of clowns as the walked past the car, their faced painted in permenant smiles as they walked in silence. “It’s not the clowns, Katya.” Trixie assured her, patting her knee comfortingly. This was quite new for her, sure Katya was uncharacteristically jumpy for a monster hunter but she was never ususally phobic of things. “How do you know?!” “How do you know its aliens?” Trixie countered, hoping this logic would calm her. “My third eye.” Katya grinned, patting the spot between her brows. “Shut up.” Trixie snorted as Katya turned the keys, bringing the engine to life. “Listen I bet you it’s not clowns.” “What do I get if I win?” “I’ll give you a handie.” Trixie laughed. “Now let’s go back to the town, maybe we can ask around the homeless, see if anyone has gone missing.”

…………

The next day the pair sat together with two slices of pie and coffees, trying to make a plan of action when they were interrupted by a man.

“Excuse me ladies, mind if I sit down?” A young man in a slightly cheap looking suit asked, looking down at them with a serious expression. His dark curly hair was jelled down heavily, looking almost like a protective helmet. Katya briefly wondered if he rode a motorbike like that and crashed, just how much damage his hair would do to the tarmac.

“Uh, you can but I don’t know why you’d want to.” Katya frowned, looking around at the almost empty café.

“Detective Kevin Kander.” Trixie shot Katya a warning look before motioning to the seat across from them. She quickly closed the book they’d been using for notes when she noticed him try to read her writing upside down.

“What can we do for you, Detective?” Trixie asked, forcing her face into a smile.

“Can I ask your business here?”

“We’re having lunch.” Katya shrugged, taking a forkful of pie and shoving it into her mouth. “Why?

“Well, we’ve had reports from some anonymous persons that you have been asking around a lot, talking to people down on their luck.” The young man informed them, looking between the pair suspiciously.

“We’re charitable.”

“I was told you were paying for information about the missing people who were killed.”

“So?” Katya asked, not appreciating the man’s tone.

“So why are you ladies here?”

“We’re reporters.” Trixie lied, they’d used this as a cover quite a few times in their time.

“For what paper?”

“You wouldn’t know it.” She continued with a shrug.

“Can I ask why we’re being questioned? We’re just trying to have lunch.” Katya interjected, leaning back in her seat and resting her arm on the back of Trixie’s chair.

“We’re keeping an eye on all suspicious activity until we find Helena and the killers are caught.” Detective Kander said, eyeing them suspiciously.

“Killers? You know there’s more than one?” Trixie asked, hoping they could coerce the detective into revealing more information about the case.

“I’m keeping an open mind.” He smiled humourlessly. “Where were you the night Helena Jones was kidnapped?”

“We were in West Virginia.” Trixie replied, deciding not to go into too much detail. He didn’t need to know about the encounter with the Mothman, who’d actually turned out to be quite a nice guy with a cat and a crush on a local gas station worker called Susan. Sadly Susan turned out to be a runaway con artist and seemed to revel in the idea of being the first person to con a cryptid.

“But you know what.” Katya offered, leaning across the table as though confiding in the detective. “We drove nine hours to kidnap a girl we never met from some politician nobodies heard of past the state border, then we came back a week later to pay a bunch of homeless people to tell us information we already knew about the murders and decided to stick around for the weather.” Katya said sarcastically. The detective scowled. Trixie put a hand of Katya’s, where it lay on the table, in an attempt to calm her down.

“I’m sorry, she woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Trixie apologised, kicking Katya under the table as the Russian laced their fingers. He looked down at their joined hands curiously. Trixie could practically hear the cogs turning.

“Is it too much to ask for a motel to have a mattress thicker than paper?” Katya grumbled, taking a drink of her black coffee.

“Ah you’re staying at the Sleepy Lodge, it’s well known for its ‘comforts’.” The detective laughed awkwardly, evidently having finally come to the conclusion that he was dealing with lesbians. He looked up at them with slightly wide eyes. Trixie fought the urge to roll her eyes. People always got awkward when they realised they were a couple.

“Yeah.” She piped up after a moment of silence, realising neither Katya nor the detective had anything else to say. “Listen we can only apologise for our attitudes, we want the same thing you do.” The young man nodded, with the first genuine seeming smile she’d seen yet.

“That beauty out there yours?” He asked, nodding his head to Katya’s Impala, parked proudly outside the cafe.

“Yeah, that’s my baby.”

“Mind if I take a look inside.”

“I’d rather you didn’t, it’s messy.” Katya replied, a fake smile stapled to her face.

“I don’t mind. I want to know what kind of seats that model has.” Detective Kander shrugged, mirroring Katya’s false smile.

“Leather.” Katya answered shortly.

“I’d rather see it.”

“Google it.” Trixie fought the urge to sigh at her partner’s attitude. This was going to get them arrested for sure.

“Is there a reason you don’t want me to see what’s in your car so badly?”

“Is there a reason you want to see what’s in my car so badly?”

“This would be so much easier if you just cooperated.” The detective informed them, obviously trying the good cop, bad cop method on his own.

“We have cooperated. But if you want to search my property better get a search warrant.”

“The Jones family are personal friends of mine. I will find out what happened to her.” He said menacingly as he stood, any trace of a jovial nature erased from his face.. “And I will bring the perpetrator to justice.”

“We hope you do.” Trixie called after him, earning a shifty look as he left the cafe. “Our job would be so much easier if you didn’t always antagonise the cops you know.” She grumbled, letting go of Katya’s hand to get back to their notes. “You’re so cranky today.”

“I know. Sorry.” Katya apologised. “I hate it when they treat you like you’re guilty. Its poor practice.”

“I know.” Trixie nodded. “He’s young. Maybe he’s just trying to find his detective feet.” She suggested, noting that the detective didn’t have a partner. He couldn’t have been more than twenty four years old. She was sure a big case like this must be even harder when you’re new. She wasn’t really sure why she was making excuses for the man but something inside her felt for him.

“Well, he’s not going about it the right way.” Katya grumbled, casually resting her hand on Trixie’s leg as she returned to her pie.

……………. Trixie sighed softly as she woke. She couldn’t be sure what woke her but something felt off. She opened her eyes, the room still dark but she could just make out Katya laying in front of her. She was about to make to get up and go to the bathroom when she realised what had woken her. There was a soft tapping against her back. It was Katya, tapping so lightly she could barely have been moving. Tap tap t-tap tap. Trixie swallowed, the code. That was the silent code for danger. Tap tap t-tap tap. If she squinted she could see Katya’s eyes, watching something intently. The door. Tap tap t-tap tap. The tapping became more insistent as Trixie heard the noise of the door opening. She let out a soft sleepy sigh, feigning sleep as she stretched to pull Katya closer. The noise stopped abruptly, their intruder evidently scared to wake them. Interesting. Tap tap. Trixie answered from where her hand now rested at the small of Katya’s back. The sound of their intruder letting out a breath they seemed to have been holding was loud in the quiet room. A plan. They needed a plan. Trixie quickly took note of the way Katya’s hand had slid beneath the pillow when she’d pulled her closer. Good, there was a knife beneath the pillow. She knew all she had to do was reach the bedside table to grab the gun there. They both just had to choose the right time to act. Their intruder stepped further into the room, letting out a hiss they stubbed their toe on the dresser. Amateur. Certainly not any kind of paranormal entity like a ghost or a spectre. Definitely not a demon as they’d salted the doors and windows before sleeping. The intruder, a man it sounded like, snook over to their bags, pulling the zips at a painstakingly slow speed. Tap tap. Now. With that the pair swung into action. Trixie practically jumped over Katya as the other woman rolled towards her. She slammed a hand on the switch for the bedside light, taking the gun in her other hand and raising it to their intruder. Katya had pulled the knife from under the pillow, and she was now stood on the other side of the bed holding out her long necklace adorned with a protective pendant from all the major religions, in case the intruder was spiritual in any way. “The gigs up.” Trixie said as the man’s shoulders slumped. He turned slowly, wincing at the click of the gun safety being disabled. “Alright, alright don’t sh-” He began as he turned slowly only to stop in surprise, his eyes wide as her looked them up and down. Trixie followed his gaze and groaned. “Dammit Kat, this shitty detective has seen more of me than some of my ex-boyfriends.” They were both completely naked with the exception of a love bite just above Katya’s hip. “Hey, I’m not shitty! I’m just trying to figure out what happened.” The man argued, looking hurt. “I would say we should stop going to bed naked but that would be waste of beauty.” Katya sighed dramatically before turning to wink at her lover. “To be fair we didn’t go to bed naked. But I don’t think we should sleep naked anymore.” Trixie nodded, deciding they should take that precaution so that next time their intruder didn’t get to see just so much of her paranormally ordained wife. While she felt exposed, naked in front of this man, it mostly bothered her that Katya was naked and on show. She regarded the man for a moment his eyes were flicking between the gun pointed at him and the ceiling. Interesting, while he lacked any tact taking to them earlier at least he was somewhat a gentleman. “Would you like some tea?” “What?” Both Katya and the detective said in unison. “We’re supposed to be on the same side, Inspector. So you’re going to sit down, have some tea and tell us why you’re looking through our underwear in the middle of the night.” Trixie said sternly, pointing at the chair next to bed. The man blinked, steadfastly avoiding looking at either of them as he walked over to the seat. Trixie followed him with the gun, watching him as his eyes darted around the room. “Put something on Kat, I don’t like other people seeing you naked.” Trixie sighed, appreciating the man’s efforts to not look at their bodies. “Same for you, blossom.” Katya said cheerily, pulling on Trixie’s college tshirt and a pair of boyshorts with cartoon cats on. The Russian bounded forward taking the gun from her partner as Trixie grabbed some clothes from the chair on the other side of the bed. She shot the detective a look as she walked past them and into the bathroom for a moment, switching on the provided kettle as she passed. “You don’t take advantage of her kind nature, or you will answer to me. Understand?" Katya hissed, leaning close to the detective, nothing between them but tension and the metal of the gun. "Kind nature? She pointed a gun at me and insulted me.” The man said incredulously, eyes flicking to the gun then back to the Russian in front of him. “Yeah but let’s just say there’s a reason she gets the gun and I get the knife, I tend to have less patience and my finger just…” She made the sound of the gun going off with her mouth before pulling away. The young detective flinched.

“A lot of weapons for reporters.” He mused, looking around the room. “This is an offence, you know.”

“There no need to be offended, Kev.” Katya said earnestly, enjoying the way the man blinked at her.

“A criminal offence.” He clarified as Trixie came out of the bathroom and made some tea.

“I know. That was a joke.” She sighed, rolling her eyes. She heard Trixie snort from the other end of the small room.

“Hilarious.” He replied dryly. “You’re not doing the best of jobs convincing me that you’re not the murderers, you know?“ "Get this Trix, he thinks we did it.” “Why does everyone always blame the lesbians?” Trixie sighed, as she walked back in with two cups of tea. She handed one to the detective and sat down on the bed across from him. “Don’t forget to check the door, babe.” Katya reminded her, taking the mug from her girlfriend and taking a sip. “Shit, yeah.” Trixie nodded, getting up to go and lock the door, ensuring that their line of salt wasn’t broken. “What’s with the sugar?” The detective asked, looking over at the door with a frown. Katya turned to look at the detective with thoroughly unimpressed look. How dumb can you get? “It’s salt.” Katya replied dryly. “Does that make a difference?” “Have you ever had popcorn? Of course it makes a difference.” Katya rolled her eyes, raising the gun as Trixie came past her. She wasn’t going to point a loaded gun at her lover even if it was only for a second. She cared about gun safety. “Why did you break into our room at… two o six in the morning?” Trixie asked, as Katya took a few steps back, leaning against the foot of the bed. “I know what you are.” “You know nothing about us.” Katya countered, some of her casual demeanour slipping at the detectives accusatory tone. This man didn’t know them. He didn’t know their lives before the paranormal, although some days Katya wasn’t sure she did either. He thought he knew what they were, but they were many things. They were hunters. They were explorers. They were bakers, when they had the facilities. They were goofballs. But first and foremost they were lovers.

Trixie put a hand on Katya’s knee. Whether it was a comforting gesture or a reminder to stay civil, she wasn’t quite sure. “You’re the killers, the cannibals.” “Oh my god, you know I wondered why those burgers we had yesterday had fingers.” Katya gasped, looking thoroughly pleased with herself as Trixie chuckled. “The murders started before we got here.” Trixie reminded him, taking the mug from Katya and blowing on the contents before taking a sip. “How do we know that? All we know is that you booked into a hotel after the murders began. You’re untraceable, nobody knows where you came from or who you are.” He explained. “Except now I suppose I know you to be Kat and Trix.” He added somewhat smugly putting his mug down on the bedside table. The tea was untouched. Trixie tried not to be offended. She supposed if he thought they were the cannibals he wouldn’t trust anything they gave him to consume. “Oh my god, don’t say that!” Katya cried in exasperation. “Did you learn nothing at the academy? If we were the murderers we’d have to kill you now because you just pointed out you know our names.” “Don’t mind her, she used to serve. Shoddy police work drives her up the wall.” Trixie informed him, lowering her voice as though confiding in him. Katya pushed hair from her face. “Shoddy police work?!” The detective cried, looking affronted. “Never mind that.” Trixie said with a careless wave of her hand. “Listen we’re not the killers. We will tell you who we are but you have to believe us.” “Wait Trix, him? Really? You want him to be our local cop?” Katya interrupted, hardly believing the words leaving her lover’s mouth. In every corner of the country, and in some cases the world, they’d touched down in during their adventures they would make a contact. It was usually a member of the local police department or a detective. Someone with information on cases and trusted them enough to not suspect them and value their expertise. This usually required persuasion, such as saving their asses from whatever unfortunate creature was chasing them. Sure most of them thought they were mad when they did the whole ‘monsters are real’ speech but they normally chose nice guys who weren’t dicks to them for no reason. “He’s obviously driven and desperate Katya, otherwise he wouldn’t have broken into our room to gather evidence that wouldn’t have held up in court.” Trixie reasoned, giving Katya a look that suggested she’d been thinking about this for a while. “And besides.” The blonde added, patting Katya’s leg. “I like the fucker.” She shrugged. “You like me?” The detective asked, clearly as dumbfounded as Katya. She never did understand Trixie’s ability to see good in people even if they were douchey to them. “Sure. It’s hard to explain. I got good women’s intuition.” “Here we go with your women’s intuition again.” Katya moaned. That damned women’s intuition. She knew it was just Trixie’s way of getting out of having to explain why she did things. Honestly she would say that Katya was rash then do something equally rash at the calling of her women’s intuition. “It has never once led us astray and can I also just say ‘third eye’ to you right now.” Trixie replied sternly, raising a finger as she did so. She looked like a teacher when she did that. Katya rolled her eyes. Her third eye was a real thing. Sure sometimes she couldn’t distinguish between her third eye telling her something and a Katy Perry induced headache, but that was beside the point. “I have no idea what’s going on.” Detective Kander confessed, looking between them with a bewildered look. A smirk touched Katya’s lips. She honestly kind of liked that people couldn’t understand them sometimes and found them hard to follow. It was almost like she and Trixie had their own language. Like they were on this wavelength that no one else could tap into. “Kevin, can I call you Kevin?” Trixie began, not waiting for a reply from the younger man. “We are not the cannibals. We hunters.” “Like rabbits and stuff?” He asked slowly. “No, like demons, like monsters, like ghosts, like Bigfoot. All that jazz.” Katya clarified, waiting for the inevitable disbelief. Three… two… one… “Oh my god you’re crazy.”

There it was. “You don’t think it’s odd that these disappearances have happened every full moon?”

“Serial killers can often be ritualistic.”

“They weren’t killed by any man, Detective. They were eaten alive, we saw one of the bodies. Its internal organs were gone and the stomach was torn apart.” Trixie reasoned, pausing to take a sip of tea. Katya fought a grin as she marvelled in how smart her girl was. It would be in poor taste to smile like a loon during this conversation, and it certainly wouldn’t help convince the detective they weren’t the killers. “We’ve seen this before. A lycanthrope in Kansas. Just the same.”

“Wait, lycanthrope. You mean like a werewolf.”

“Exactly.” Trixie nodded. “Have you been so focused on our coming into town that you haven’t noticed another body of individuals who came to town just before the murders began.” “The circus.” He blinked. “It’s the clowns.” Katya interjected. “It’s not the damn clowns Kat, you have no proof.” Trixie groaned in exasperation, they’d been having this debate basically all day. “Neither of you have any proof, this is ridiculous.” Kander insisted, looking between the pair as thought they were insane. “Look it’s not any damn werewolves. Even if I was crazy enough to believe something like that, I don’t know any werewolves who carry around butchers knives and butter.”

“What?” The women asked in unison.

“We found traces of butter and small cuts from a knife on the bones during the autopsy. Whoever did this was very human.” He explained. Katya turned to look at Trixie in bewilderment mixed with worry. They’d accepted that they were dealing with werewolves pretty quickly after finding out more about the deaths. But now, surely it couldn’t be. “So you want to run that werewolf bullshit past me again or are you going to confess?” He asked, standing for his seat.

“We didn’t do it.” Trixie insisted as she and Katya also stood.

“Sure, how about we go over that at the station.” The detective said derisively stepping towards Trixie. Katya stepped between them, scowling up at the man as she let the barrel of the gun rest against his chest. There was no way in hell he’d touch a golden hair on her head when Katya was around. That simply wasn’t happening.

“We will do no such thing. You broke into our hotel room without a search warrant and you have no right to arrest us with no charge.” Katya practically growled, causing the man to take a step back.

“You are both heavily armed and pointed a weapon at me.”

“It’s currently one of our legal rights as Americans to have guns, no matter how problematic that is.” Katya said, eyes sharp. “Leave now. I’m sure the last thing the local department needs right now is a scandal about how one of their detectives forced his way into the room of two young women to rifle through their underwear.”

“Don’t think this is over. I won’t rest until the culprits have been found and punished.” Detective Kander vowed, glaring at them as he headed over to the door. “Don’t leave the country.” He added, looking them in the eye as he kicked their salt line derisively and shut the door behind him.

“What a cunt.”

“He took it better than Detective Parker.” Trixie reminded her, moving across the room until she stood a Katya’s side. “What are we going to do now?” She asked as she rested her chin on Katya’s shoulder, wrapping her arms around her stomach.

“Full moon is tomorrow, I think it’s best for us to take a late night trip to the circus.” Katya sighed.

“But we don’t know what we’re dealing with.” Trixie said worriedly as Katya put a comforting hand on her arm, stroking her skin softly with her thumb.

“We just have to be prepared for anything.”

“That’s easier said than done.” Trixie laughed, although the humour wasn’t quite there. Katya turned her head so that they were face to face.

“I know, my love.” She said softly, leaning forwards to press a kiss to her partner’s lips.

“Are you coming back to bed?” Trixie asked, stepping away and catching Katya’s hand.

“No, I’m too wired. You go to sleep, I need to think.”

“I’ll help you.”

“It’s alright, get your beauty sleep, you need to be rested for tomorrow.” She said softly, as Trixie nodded, slipping back into their uncomfortable bed. Katya headed over to their bag, pulling out their laptop and opening it.

“I love you, trash can.” Trixie sighed, grin on her face at the name. Katya chuckled. Trixie would never let her live it down that the first time they met she’d been hidden in a trash can. Her hiding had been so good Trixie had nearly thought herself mad, thinking the bin was talking to her.

“Love you too, arm chair.” Katya snorted, ducking down to press a kiss to the top of Trixie’s head as the other woman settled into the flat pillow. Trixie rolled her eyes, managing to smack Kayta’s ass playfully just before the woman stepped out of reach. Katya stuck her tongue out as she sat down at the tiny table with the laptop.

…………

10:37pm, The Circus

“Right, ready to narrowly escape getting eaten alive.” Katya asked brightly, checking that her gun was fully loaded. She knew it was as she’d filled it purposefully with a mixture of silver bullets and blessed bullets the night before, in case whatever they were dealing with could be shot. There was something about the few hours before an inevitable battle that made her paranoid.

“I don’t like not knowing what we’re up against.” Trixie said anxiously, looking out of the window and into the darkness. “Normally we’re better prepared.” She sighed, chewing her lip.

“Trixie, it’ll be ok. How many times have we done this sort of thing before?” Katya assured her, putting a warm hand on her knee. Trixie turned to look at her with a small smile.

“Lots. And it’s always really dangerous.” She replied, eyes searching Katya’s face as her lips twitched into a smile.

“And that’s why you like it.”

“I love you.” Trixie said earnestly, looking into Katya’s eyes. She suspected that Katya could see the little pink hearts that replaced her eyes every time she gazed at the other woman.

“Love you too.” Katya smiled, putting a hand on the back of Trixie’s head to pull her into a kiss. Trixie sighed as their lips met. There was a small part of her that always worried this kiss would be their last. After a long moment she pulled away and smiled at her lover.

“I think you should wear this tonight. Just in case.” Katya said, pulling a small silver medallion from under her shirt. Her sister had given it to her as a sort of protective good luck charm. Katya was never really sure if it really worked. She’d never seen anything like it in any book and she wouldn’t put it past her sister to give her a placebo charm but if it did have any protective powers, Trixie should be wearing it.

“Your medallion. No Katya, that’s yours.” Trixie shook her head.

“I’d rather you wear it, if it does offer any protection, I want you to have it.” Katya continued, fiddling with the clasp beneath her long, thick hair.

“I’m not helpless, Katya.” Trixie sighed, a note of annoyance to her voice that made Katya stop suddenly.

“I know, beautiful. You’re anything but. I just want you to be safe.” Katya tried to explain, letting her hands fall to her lap.

“You know I’d rather you wear it for the exact same reason.” Trixie laughed with less humour than she’d likely intended. “While you’re busy putting yourself into danger to protect me do you ever consider what I would do if something happened to you? What it would do to me if something happened to you? Especially if it was at my expense.” The car fell silent. This was something that had been eating away at Trixie ever since the incident with the poltergeist that had left her medically dead for a month before being resurected by a teary Katya and her sister. Part of her loved that Katya was protective of her, it showed that she really cared about her. But sometimes it meant Katya didn’t think about her own safety.

“I’m sorry.” Katya said after a long moment, eyes flicking to meet Trixie’s. The younger woman swallowed, immediately feeling guilty for snapping at the other woman, no matter how true the words. This wasn’t the time or the place for this conversation.

“I’m sorry too, this whole thing has got me a little worked up. I’ll feel better once I know what we’re dealing with.” Trixie sighed, rubbing a hand over her eyes. “Wear the medallion Katya, it goes with your outfit.” She added with a smile, reaching out to take Katya’s hand to let her know they were okay. Katya caught her eye and smiled.

“Huh, that might be the first time I’ve worn a coordinating outfit in years and I wasn’t even trying.” Katya joked, looking down at her outfit in exaggerated surprise.

“I didn’t say your whole outfit, girl.” Trixie grinned, rolling her eyes fondly. Katya laughed, squeezing her hand before pulling it to her lips. Trixie squeezed her hand back before pulling away, enjoying the red lipstick imprint of Katya’s lips marked on the back of her hand. “You got your butt kicking boots on?”

“You betcha.” Katya laughed as they got out of the car, flashlights in hand.

……………

“Ok.” Katya said, hair swishing slightly as she dangled upside down from the ceiling. “So it’s alien clowns.” “Uh-huh.” Trixie hummed, hands almost brushing the ground as she spun ever so slightly. The pair were strung up by oddly coloured chains that were wrapped almost painfully around their ankles. They were in a fully concrete room, the walls sloping oddly. It seemed to be some kind of cell. “You’re two handies up on me.” “Where’s the detective when you need him?” Katya asked with a chuckle. “Still trying to blame us probably. How are you holding up over there?” Trixie mused, turning her head to look at Katya. The Russian gave her a soft look, reaching out to see if they could touch one and other. “I can’t decide whether to be excited because aliens or be terrified because clowns.” She confessed, sighing as their fingers tips hung barely a centimetre or so apart. “I mean, I watched one of those clowns literally dislocate its jaw to swallow a bird whole. Snatched it out of the fucking air.” “I was there, Katya. How about we be terrified because they’re going to eat us?” Trixie sighed, letting her arms hang back down. She let out an annoyed grunt as her chain began to spin again. It was really starting to get on her nerves. “Eh.” Katya shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest. “How are you doing?” “I just feel bad for them.” Trixie replied nonchalantly. “Why?” “They’re gonna eat you. Bet you taste like cigarettes, Red Bull, coffee and crying. And have the consistency of jerky left out in the sun for two years.” Trixie laughed. “But with a little bit of whoo!” Katya added, laughing along with her. “Anyway I thought you knew what I tasted like pretty well.” “Humans, will you please act like you are imprisoned. We are sick of the sound of your kind.” A gravelly exasperated sounding voice spoke as part of the concrete wall became see through. On the other side of the wall stood a clown who seemed to be on guard. “Do we have to be upside down? It’s messing up my hair.” Trixie asked, hoping to weed some information out of the guard. “Being upside down isn’t so bad.” Katya mused, evidently enjoying the annoyance she was causing. Trixie rolled her eyes. Katya could be so devil may care sometimes. It was definitely going to get her eaten first. “I see London, I see France…” She began to sign, turning to look at Trixie’s exposed underwear.

“This is the last time I bring a dress to a trouser fight.” Trixie grumbled. “I hate humans.” The guard sighed, hand coming to massage his red nose. Trixie bit her lip. She knew that the creatures wanted to brutally gut them and devour their innards but she couldn’t help but find the squeaking noise the nose made amusing. “Pretty sure that’s racist.” Katya informed it. “Species-ist?” “I think the UN are going have to establish some terminology now there’s confirmation of other life forms.” Trixie mused as the guard reached for something beside him. “Trix-” Katya began, sniffing as the air took a soft pink hue. “Do you smell-” “Dammit.” The younger woman cursed as they slipped out of consciousness. ……… “Katya.” A voice called as Katya began to feel consciousness dragging her back to the cell.

“Not now Trix, Ellie’s about to go through the wormhole.”

“Katya wake up.” The voices insisted, funny Trixie’s voice sounded oddly deep. And why was she putting on a Carolina accent. A hand patted her cheek sharply and she suddenly opened her eyes. “Kevin, where the hell have you been? Call yourself a detective.” Katya snapped as the detective swam into her vision. “Hey Bern, how’re the germs?” Bernie blinked, evidently not sure how to respond.

“Abhorrent as usual?” The hairy man replied as he helped the detective get her down from the ceiling.

“Took you long enough.” Katya huffed as the detective held her weight as Bernie untied the chains. They managed to get her down fairly easily, although Katya wasn’t a fan of being held upside down by a man almost half her size. “We didn’t cover killer alien clowns in the academy.” He snorted, catching Katya as she wobbled. He was taking the whole thing suprisingly well. Maybe Trixie was right. The world swam before her eyes as he slid her down to sit for a moment. All the blood had run to her head, leaving her legs weak. “You win Trix, he’s not so bad.” Katya laughed. There was no reply. The Russian’s heart sunk when she looked to her left to see nobody there. “Where’s Trixie?!” “She’s here too?" "I’m here, of course she’s fucking here too.” She cried incredulously, trying to gather her strength to stand. “She was chained up next to me.” “Woah, you can’t go anywhere yet. I’ll go look for her.” The detective insisted, catching her as she wobbled. “My wife is being primed up as a delicious starter for a bunch of alien clown motherfuckers. I am not staying here.” She insisted, heading towards the opening the pair had entered through. The Kevin and Bernie shared a look before stepping forwards to help her.

"Trixie’s your wife? Women can’t get legally married in this country.” Bernie asked as he offered her an arm for support until her legs become fully cooperative. “We’re married in the spiritual sense.” She informed them, taking the arm gratefully. She didn’t half have pins and needles in her feet. The pair nodded in understanding. “As in we were married by a spirit.” She added, earning two surprised looks. “You’re very odd.” Bernie mused. Katya snorted, Bernie the Wolf Man, walking talking hairy freak show attraction thought she was odd. Most people might use that as a trigger to do some serious self-reflection on their mental state. Katya took it as a compliment. “Trixie finds it charming.” She shrugged with a smile. The smile dropped quickly as she wondered where her lover was. She hated being separated from her like this. They’d been practically glued together at the hip since the night they met all those years ago. Not being together frightened Katya, she couldn’t protect Trixie if she wasn’t with her.

She and Trixie had been through a lot since they’d met four years ago. They’d had many close calls, as was the nature of their business but Katya couldn’t imagine living without the other woman. She’d been unlucky enough to experience Trixie dying already. They’d had this case in Hollywood, a poltergeist that was haunting a basement studio. Katya would never forget the moment she’d turned to see Trixie raised into the air, body at an odd angle as glass from studio lights and cameras swirled around her.

Katya’s had felt the fall as though it had been her own body to hit the floor once she finally managed to expel the spirit. She’d made a joke, a stupid pun as she made her way over to check Trixie for bumps and bruises. The fall hadn’t been that far so she’d expected a groan at the joke and snarky comment. She hadn’t expected a gasp of pain and blood as Trixie shifted onto her back. There was so much blood. She’d forgotten about the glass.

She’d heard Trixie’s last words choke from her lips, that afternoon. Of course they were about her. A confession between friends, one that they’d both been to afraid to verbalise.That had been the first time Katya had ever heard Trixie say she loved her and every day she wished that memory wasn’t tainted by blood and sorrow. Katya had insisted she felt the same a she watched as the light drain from her eyes. It still haunted her.

Katya had called in every favour she had with her twin sister Briana, or as she called her Doctor Bitchcraft, who lived as a witchdoctor beneath the Hollywood sign. She’d offered the woman everything she owned, all her money, what little she had, the clothes off her back and even her baby, the Impala, in exchange for Trixie. Briana had eyed her for a moment before looking down at the motionless body of the pretty girl in front of her.

She’d sent Katya on a month long quest of sorts to find all the rare ingredients for the spell to save Trixie, keeping the body in a magically frozen state until she returned so that Trixie’s spirit could not pass over.

Katya had cried like a baby the moment Trixie’s eyes opened again, her chest heaving as she took her first breath in over a month. Her sister had sat back and watched as the pair had desperately embraced, words that they’d been meaning to say tumbling from their mouths.

That was how they got together and there wasn’t a day the memory didn’t delight and haunt Katya.

There were night she wake up in a sweat, momentarily panicked when she didn’t find Trixie in her arms. Trixie would simply open her eyes and roll over from the other side of the bed, pressing herself against Katya to remind her she was still there.

She couldn’t go back to being alone. Since her sister’s death she didn’t know anyone who would do a resurrection of that kind again. If she lost Trixie this time, she would really be gone and Katya wouldn’t be able to bare it. ………. The unlikely trio turned yet another plain looking corner and suddenly found themselves inside a large, chamber-like room. It was bizarre. It looked like a medieval dining room and yet the walls were covered in odd pieces of complicated looking technology. In the centre of the room stood a huge wooden dining table. And on either side of the table laid almost naked two figures, clad only in their underwear. Each lay motionless and seemingly tied down to the thick wood. The second Katya caught sight of familiar golden hair and hot pink lace, she knew who it was.

“Trixie!” She gasped, causing the other woman to turn to look at her. Katya made to step properly into the large room when Trixie quickly shook her head. The Russian stopped, putting her arms out to the men beside her and pushing them back further into the shadows of the corridor they’d come from. Trixie raised her index and middle fingers at them as best she could with her hands buckled beside her head.

“Is she swearing at us?” Bernie asked in scandalised horror. Katya rolled her eyes.

“Two of them in there.”

“What are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know, we need a plan.” Katya hissed, pulling them into a nearby alcove.

Almost ten minutes later they’d formulated a seemingly fool proof plan after a lot of heated whispered debate. They all nodded at each other. Each secure in their rolls, Katya stepped forward.

“People at the party, and I’m wanting to dance.” Katya sang, cartwheeling into the room. She was the distraction, aka she had the most balls out of the three of them. If there was one thing she was even better at than monster hunting, it was being distracting. She turned, expecting to see two clowns looking at her with confused and maybe slightly impressed looks.

“Wait so you left me for long enough for the clowns to straight up get bored and wander off. And you were using that time to come up with a plan at comprised of you singing Same Parts?” Trixie grumbled, looking thoroughly unimpressed. As if Katya’s obsession with the song by pop sensation Tatianna wasn’t bad enough the rest of the time. It was like she couldn’t even almost die without hearing a Tatianna lyric. Some things just weren’t sacred anymore.

“It would have worked.” Katya insisted, making her way over to her partner. “Guys, the coast is clear.” She called behind her. Two slightly disappointed men came from the corridor. Their plan had really been good. She sighed. What a waste of a Tatianna lyric.

“Anyway, thank goodness you came.“ Trixie breathed, letting her head fall back against the lettuce and rocket beneath her head. "They were about to eat me with instant mashed potatoes! Instant!” She said incredulously as Katya and Kevin began to untie her. “What? You deserve real organic potatoes in the least.” Katya insisted, helping the other woman down from the table as Kevin went to check on Helena. “God you’re so romantic.” Trixie sighed. Bernie removed his shirt and offered it to Trixie to cover herself, leaving himself in a vest. She took it appreciativley, pulling the floral print shirt on. It hung almost to her knees and she had to roll the sleeves up. She mirrored Katya’s grin as the Russian slipped an arm around her lower back. “Um, ladies.” The detective interjected, looking around the room worriedly. “Not now Kev, we have a ritual. We do the thing, we say something cheesy, we kiss, go get food then we bone. A. Lot.” Katya reprimanded, not once looking up from Trixie’s face, grin fixed on her lips. “It’s sacred.” Trixie nodded.

“Only there’s a bunch of killer alien clown motherfuckers looking at us and I reckon they’re not happy you’re trying to steal their dinner.” Kevin stammered, causing the pair to finally look away from each other. They turned to see eight red-eyed clowns staring at them.

“Ok, we’re outnumbered.” Katya breathed, looking around for a weapon. One of the clowns let out a horrifyingly creepy chuckle.

“Maybe we can reason with them?” Bernie said hopefully. The creatures all bared their long, sharp fangs. Their jaws seemed to dislocate, looking almost like an oversized toothy grin.

“I hope you taste as good as you are annoying, humans.” One of the aliens growled, saliva dripping from its teeth as they all began to close in on the four of them. Katya tried to maintain her look of horror as she felt Trixie pass her a piece of cold metal. Weapons are more effective if they’re a surprise. It felt like a knife. Perfect.

“Reasoning seems out, Dog Man” Katya said with a raised eyebrow, patting the hairy man’s back. “You may want to get behind us.” She whispered to the men as the creatures came ever closer.

“You’re mad.” Bernie huffed, raising his fists in front of him. Huh, seems all it took was a bunch of alien clowns who wanted to eat you to turn a pacifist into a fighter. The detective pulled out his gun, preparing himself for the fight. Katya wished she had her gun too.

The first creature lunged at Trixie, earning a punch to the face as the others three dispersed, each finding their own battle. Trixie raised her knife, jabbing it towards the hideous clowns in front of her. The pair dodged away from her, trying to find a weak spot. Katya raised the weapon she’d been given ready to stab one of the creatures when she saw what she was holding.

“You gave me a damned fork?!” Katya cried incredulously as she realised what was in her hand. She quickly shoved it between her teeth and began to fist fight with the clown that lunged at her.

“Stab in four places at once.” Trixie yelled back as she managed to slash one of the clown’s throats. It shrieked and began to shrivel as though becoming crispy and dry. The remains crumbled in multi-coloured dust before her eyes. She looked up with wide eyes at the other clown in front of her who had reached into his oversized trousers. She had to admit there was a small part of her that was thankful it was some sort of futuristic looking gun of all the things the creature could have been keeping in there. That feeling was short lived as she realised what appeared to be a ray gun was much more dangerous than a dick would have been.

Katya’s head shot up at Trixie’s shout of the words ‘ray gun’. She was sat on a corpse that was quickly disintegrating beneath her. Aliens and ray guns! This was fantastic. Well, it was until she saw said ray gun pointed at Trixie. For a lack of anything else to do in the short amount of time she spat the fork into her hand and tossed it across the room.

Trixie gasped as she felt dust cloud into her face. She blinked, coughing on the blur of colours in front of her. Right in front of her, wedged between the heavy stones, stood a fork. She turned to give Katya an, admittedly thankful, ‘I told you so’ look. Katya gave her the finger before being jumped on from behind by one of the clowns.

Trixie grabbed the gun from the ground and ran towards her, leaping up onto the large table. She fumbled with the gun, pulling the trigger but nothing happened.

“If you could shoot this dick at some point.” Katya cried, managing to roll the creature off her back.

“I’m trying. He didn’t teach me how to use it before he got forked, Kat!”

“Give it to me then.”

“I forgot you did a course in alien weaponry in school.” She snapped, pulling one of the knobs and nearly jumping out of her skin as the gun flashed bright green suddenly. She pulled the trigger, disintegrating the clown that was seconds away from sinking its teeth into her lover.

“Sarcasm is not becoming of a lady.” Katya shouted as she rushed to help Bernie who was trying to fist fight three clowns at once. Kevin ran towards her, throwing his now empty gun at the fat clown chasing him. Trixie dropped the gun onto the table and grabbed a large metal dish.

“Duck.” She cried as the detective approached. The young man dropped and rolled. Unfortunately for the clown, it didn’t register the words before the metal dish hit it square in the face. It hit the ground with a heavy thud, sounding almost like a dropped bag of flour. Trixie handed the dish to Kevin who brought the edge sharply down on the creature’s neck. Colourful dust spilled from its clothing.

Bernie and Katya managed to take down one of the clowns but quickly found themselves running away. Bernie directed them towards a large fireplace, grabbing Katya’s arm to pull her away from a lunging creature. Once the arrived at the target destination he grabbed a fire poker handing it to Katya before grabbing a heavy metal kettle.

Bernie struck his creature first, sending it tumbling back. It snarled at him, lunging forwards again and this time managing a deep scratch on his arms with its exposed fangs before Katya swung her poker and flung it away. Luckily Bernie did not seem too badly hurt as he quickly turned to the other clown and began to fight it.

“Say hello to your dead dad on the beach.” Katya cried, raising the metal pole to strike the final blow to the vicious creature. Kevin ran to help Bernie take down the clown as Trixie dropped to untie Helena from the table. Lucky girl to sleep through the whole ordeal. Trixie hadn’t realised just how lucky they were the aliens hadn’t found them quiet annoying enough to sedate them like they had her.

“Oh my God. Contact!” The alien said suddenly, looking up at her with shining eyes. “I love that movie.” He breathed, hand on his chest as though he had never found another being who understood him better. Katya faltered, willingness to kills a creature she had so much in common with slipping. They both liked the movie Contact and eating Trixie, admittedly in different ways but it’s whatever.

Trixie’s head snapped around at the words she feared most in this world. No! Not another person, well creature, that loved that damned movie. She marched across the room. She could not let this thing encourage Katya’s insistence to talk about that crap.

“Hey. We were bonding!” Katya cried as Trixie shot the clown in the face. The creautre fell into colourful dust alongside the others. The floor was now an odd juxtaposition of dirty, grey stone and brightly coloured rainbow dust.

“He was reaching for a weapon.” Trixie insisted, quickly returning to untying the young girl.

“What weapon?”

“It was concealed.” Trixie shrugged.

“He was reaching for concealer. To fix his make up?” Katya asked in her valley girl voice. Trixie looked at her with dead eyes.

“I wish they’d eaten me.” Trixie groaned from deep within her soul. Katya cackled.

“Don’t worry, I’ll eat you if you like.” She offered, nudging the other woman with her elbow. The detective took off his coat to cover Helena’s Wonder Woman underwear and keep her warm. He picked her up, thankful to have finally found her. He’d been so worried.

“Is it just me that finds being around them a constant state of being amused and uncomfortable?” Bernie asked turning to the detective with a helpless look.

“Same, man. Same.” The detective nodded as Bernie wandered towards the computers curiously.

“Well that’s all done.” Katya said, clapping her hands before brushing coloured dust from the shoulder of her jacket.

“I don’t even know where to start with the paperwork.” Kevin confessed.

“I heard them say they kept her sedated pretty much all the time because she screamed a full hour when they first took her.” Trixie said, checking the girl’s pulse. It was low but regular, similar to that of someone who was simply sleeping. “Ours wore off though, so I can only assume hers will too.” She added, gently pulling at the girl’s eyelid to check her eyes.

“Maybe you just found her out on the highway, walking or something.” Katya suggested.

“The bodies disintegrate so there’s no suspicion there.” Trixie added, wiggling her toes with a look of disgust. She was barefoot and she could feel gritty powder between her toes. Great. There were bits of alien clowns between her toes. Perfect.

“Wrapped up pretty neatly I’d say.” Katya nodded.

“What about the big fuck off spaceship we’re in?” The detective cried. Trixie and Katya both blinked. They hadn’t actually seen this place from the outside. They’d been taken from the circus and the next thing they knew they were hanging upside down in a cell.

“Guys.” Bernie interjected from his place beside a collection of screens and blinking lights.

“Not now, Dog Man.” Katya waved a hand. “Only I think this building may explode.” He informed them, quickly catching their attention. They all rushed over. “Inspector?” He asked, motioning to the screen. Bernie took Helena gently from Kevin. The detective surged forwards, pressing buttons in a way that was obviously supposed to look like he knew what he was doing. “In the academy they taught us some basic coding and this looks like a detonation.” He said quickly, flicking another switch hopefully. “I don’t know why I ever doubted you, Kevin.” Katya nodded cheerily, clapping on the back. Kevin blinked at her, open mouthed. It took a second for her to rerun his words in her head. “Oh shit.”

“Yeah, you have to be a trained specialist to understand a detonation countdown and a big red flashing button.” Trixie pointed out, the cold of the stone floor stinging at her feet. Kevin flipped another switch. The room around them became suddenly blurry, as though the edges of the room were shifting in and out of focus. The room around them suddenly became a sixties nautical themed room. The cold floor beneath Trixie’s feet was replaced with a grey rug in the shape of a swordfish. “Is this a run now or a ‘I can disable it’ kind of thing?” Katya asked, looking around at the design of the room with interest. “Ummm. Oh no.” He said quickly. “The first one. The first one!” He cried, the pitch of his voice fluctuating to something almost comically high as he read the screen. The detective ran, grabbing the two by the arm to turn them round. The pair looked at each other for less than a second before bolting after him. Bernie hurried behind them, carrying the unconscious girl. …………. “There we go. All done here.” Katya said, shutting the trunk of her beloved car and wiping her dusty hands on her jeans much to Trixie’s annoyance. “Where to now?” “Well the thing is we never finished our ritual.” Trixie pointed out, leaning against the trunk of the car with a coy smile. “That is very true.” Katya nodded, raising her eyebrows with a grin. “Where did we get up to?” “Well we did the say something cheesy part but I don’t think we can just jump to the kissing.” Trixie said seriously, hands coming up to straighten the front of Katya’s purple leather jacket. She wasn’t really a fan of the purple one on Katya. It looked great on her though. She was waiting for the day Katya would realise that and just give it to her. “You’re right the kissing has to come after the cheesy.” Katya agreed, stepping closer to her lover. “You got any good lines?” Trixie grinned. Katya paused for a second, looking up at the sky and sighing thoughtfully as she let her hands fall to rest on Trixie’s hips. She hummed. “I hope those aliens checked their smoke detectors before having you because laid out on the platter, you were smokin’.” Katya purred, wiggling her shoulders excitedly. "Ok, that surpassed cheesy and was just bad.” Trixie snorted, rolling her eyes fondly. “You’re lucky I love you.” She sighed, stroking a hand over Katya’s cheek. She pulled the other woman close, pressing her lips to her lover’s with a smile. Katya hummed, pulling her flush against her own body. Trixie’s arms slid around the Russian’s neck, fingers curling into her blonde hair.

After a few minutes, Katya pulled away, dipping to press another quick kiss to Trixie’s lips as though not wanting to stop kissing her. It was odd. She’d kissed Trixie so many times over the past few years. And yet every time their lips met, a bolt of nerves and pleasure shot down her spine and pooled in her stomach. “Now, I believe, let me just check my list.” Katya mimed pulling a list from her pocket and folding it out. Trixie snorted, watching the other woman fondly. “Ah, yep. An I.O.U for two handies, subject to be paid in full by one Trixie Mattel.” “We haven’t eaten yet.” Trixie pointed out, looking down at the hand placed scandalously high up on her thigh. “We’ll get in and out on the way back to the room.” Katya suggested, patting Trixie’s thigh before stepping back and pulling the car keys from her jacket pocket. “And then we’ll go to In and Out burger, get it?” Trixie joked as they walked around the car to their respective sides. “You’re lucky you’re pretty.” Katya snorted, shaking her head as she slid into the driver’s seat. Trixie laughed as she joined the other woman in the car. Kevin waved as the car pulled away. It certainly wasn’t the last time he’d see the hunters throughout his career, but what would continue to surprise him every time was just how perfect the pair were for each other. And that’s how the two local to nowhere hunters defeated killer alien clowns and introduced the currency of handies to a small town.

#new year new au #ellen thwoorp #katya zamolodchikova #trixie mattel #trixya #lesbian au #cisgirl au #au #fluff #minor angst #horror #humour #rpdr fanfiction #tw death mentions #tw mild gore #tw abduction mention #tw clowns #submission

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