#I’m just bored and rambley

[spinningbagel]

Pspsps guys,,, I’ve been hit with the urge to ramble so uh. Use my query box please. I’m begging you 🙏🙏. You can ask about literally anything, The Isles, Mutant busters, literally any of my several Au’s. Or like idk. Some other topic I guess. I’m just very desperate to ramble and answer questions 😔

[andro-dino]

actually I just want stuff to talk abt it general I’m very bored rn. if you give me characters or topics or anything to ramble abt in my ask box I absolutely will 🫶 I’m in a very rambley sort of mood

[pkmnomegaverse]

Ships I’m considering changing around

Or at least that’s what I intended this to be. But it turned so much into a Ran introspection I don’t want to clutter it with more ships so ended it when that one. Mostly wrote this as notes to myself so it’s rambley, but I do talk about some kids so can get some insight into them. As I said though it’s mostly talk about Ran. Under a cut not because it’s scandalous (mostly), but because it’s long

Winona/Aarune

This is one where I’m very committed to Neil still existing as Winona’s son, but it’s who his dad is that doesn’t matter, so Aarune is mostly a placeholder right now. Ship doesn’t really do anything for me and Aarune doesn’t add anything to the table as Neil’s dad. So holding out hope someone better comes along

For Neil, the whole point of his character is he’s Micah’s Gym Leader buddy who secretly has a crush on him. Cause Micah is my stealth shoujo protagonist who has his possible harem of suitors but like all shoujos, there’s only two of the dudes who really stand a chance and Neil is the guy who likes the protag, but everyone knows for sure that guy ain’t winning. A side suitor.

I don’t even have any ideas for alt ships at this point, I really am drawing a blank. The most I know is I really am leaning towards it being a guy, so the single girls I have milling about are out. Just the vibe I’m getting for who Neil’s other parent would be. But yes, I’m almost certain I’ll change this ship, just no idea to what.

Tate/Tucker

What makes this one tricky is I really like Ren and Ran and even now when I look at my design for Ran, I feel he’s one I did a better job combining his parent’s design. So in my head, harder design to flip. Plus while I don’t care about Tate/Tucker as a ship, I feel there’s something to not cutting all the families with difficult relationships and flipping them out for generic happy families with no teeth. Like I already have a lot of generic happy families. Why keep adding more unless it’s for a ship I really like.

Basically, the way the fam currently is set up, Tucker is a tool who seduced poor young naive Tate once he was of age, got surprise pregnant, dumped the kids on him, and mostly peaced out. He comes around sometimes so it’s not like Ren and Ran don’t know who their mom is. And Tate Tucker have like a weird relationship but there’s not really together either. But not not together? It’s complicated. But it mostly is Tate as single hard working dad and it’s a thing that Ran actually doesn’t bring up the dysfunctional dynamic his parents have going, just plays it off like things are totally fine. Doesn’t have an unconventional household, what are you talking about. Even his brother being so sickly he’s bedridden is something he downplays. And while it is partly out of shame, it’s more he doesn’t want anyone to judge his family or pity him and his family. He’s a bitchy diva but has a hidden soft side he only really shows to his dad, aunt, and brother. Does care deep down. But okay, I could change the ship and make Tate/Mira a thing and I won’t really lose his design. Could make that work. But then it also makes the family situation kind of boring? Ran goes from being in a family situation he hides that genuinely is kinda sus on Tucker’s end due to how the relationship between his parents started to just regular happy mom/dad family. Ship with no teeth but like sure, can see Tate/Mira being cute. Ran can still be a bitch cause why not, but I feel he loses depth? So the delimma here is do I lean into Tucker sucking as a person (which honestly that wasn’t my intention when I first made the ship, like most things I decide on a whim, the full implications reveal themselves as I workshop things in the background). Or go with a more boring, but conventional ship and lose some of Ran’s nuance? Like this one I do lean on keeping as is because I think it makes Ran and Ren more interesting, even if it’s to the detriment of Tate and especially Tucker (I don’t think canonly he’s a bad person but sometimes you gotta do things for the narrative. It’s like the Bruno/Bugsy situation).

Which on the Bruno/Bugsy thing they are actually the next closest ship I sometimes compare this family to and with that family, Gunner HATES Bruno for how he perceives it being his fault his parents have such a dysfunctional relationship. The one who’s (emotionally) hurting his mom. Whereas Ran doesn’t hate Tucker. He mostly just finds him flighty and kinda likes spending time with him. Sometimes. Since once he’s older they do bond over the idol stuff. But Ran also assumes Tucker must not really love him or his brother very much, because if he did, he’d stick around more. So he tries to hold his feelings for Tucker at a distance. Tells himself not to care or expect anything from him since will just be disappointed in the end.

So actually yeah, writing all this out reaffirmed things for me so keeping it as is. I don’t see the sense of scrapping Ran as a character just because his parent ship isn’t the best and I kinda feel bad I made Tucker suck, since I feel fun things could be done with him. But sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the narrative!

[dnfaltstream]

x

[wizkiddx]

worst case scenario part 5

finally!! so sorry its been an age to anyone still here but lives been interesting atm so....  also this really feels a bit rambley and the ending is deff underdeveloped but I just kind of wanted this done tbh x 

[previous part] [part 1] 

warnings:  hospitals - ICU, ventilation that sort of stuff, just a lot of ANGST post a difficult birth - please don't read if this could be upsetting for you, and my inbox is always open if u wanna chat :) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a complete 360 degree flip from earlier that day, after leaving the hospital Tom had become obsessively attached to Aurora. They’d got back to his parents place in Tom’s car; Aurora in the carseat Y/n and Tom had ready in their car door for her arrival. Clearly his parents had already pre-warned his brothers, who had thankfully already gone over to Tom and Y/n’s - collecting the Moses basket amongst other items Harry had been listed off from his mother. 

Apart from explaining a little behind her name to his parents on the journey back, Tom had spoken very little, choosing to keep himself to himself - physically stationing himself beside the Moses basket the whole time. Of course, there had been a bit of light conversation and almost procedural passing round of Aurora between all her uncles and grandparents, which Tom had kept a wether eye on - but ultimately not engaged. 

He also knew that physically his body was failing him. Although eating a little of the lasagne Sam had made for everyone, he could only stomach a minuscule amount, which did little to boost his energy levels. It felt as though sleeping was the enemy, because he was neither ready to leap into the car if the phone went; or to hear the smallest sound from the wicker basket, suggesting something was wrong. So as much as he tried to fight it, before even nine o’clock he began to dose off on the familiar couch of his parents sitting room - occasionally jerking himself awake before loosing the fight once again.

Nikki had tried to gently push him to take a break in the spare bedroom, which had been Tom’s before he’d moved out, but was unsuccessful - every time he retaliated with a stern shake of his head, while checking his phone just in case he’d missed a notification. Eventually Nikki relented, later in the evening both her and Dom retiring to bed; once Sam had agreed to stick around downstairs till a bit later - as a chef he worked till late in the nights, so even on his days off like today, his sleep schedule was just a little fucked. 

Left alone with his new little niece and now pretty firmly asleep brother, Sam draped a blanket over the latter just in time for Aurora to start fussing in the need of a bottle. His mum had explained how to do everything, how to mix the formula and heat it up, so after scooping up the little wriggling girl in the hope his brother wouldn’t get disturbed, Sam dealt with her. To be honest no matter how clueless and useless he felt, Aurora was just so cute - if a little wrinkly and alien looking, but in a good way. This was the first baby any of them had had, so the first time Sam experienced this instant connection and love for the little being that was his niece or nephew. It was terrifying, lifting the bottle against her lips for the first time, but then it just sort of seemed to work. She was incredibly smart for less than 24 hours old, instantly latching on, like she had done for Haz at the hospital. 

That gave Sam a little confidence in his ability as an uncle, giving himself a satisfied nod while swaying from the kitchen to move back into the living room. It was just a preference to be within reach of Tom… just in case. His poor brother still hadn’t moved, slumped against the corner of the sofa, leaning toward the now empty Moses basket. Normally, Sam seeing his supposed heart throb of a brother looking as rough as he did now - double chin, mouth hanging slightly open, deep sunken eyes - he would’ve taken a photo to blackmail him with. Now though, it was just desperately sad, seeing his brother like this, hand still clutching his phone tightly above the blanket. 

Rather hoping the calm would last for a while, Sam successfully finished off feeding Aurora; winded and then put her down to sleep again just in time. Because, perhaps expectedly, Tom’s phone began to blare off the default iPhone ringtone making Tom jump and throw the device across the room as he awoke with a start. Sam ran to grab it off the floor, mainly with the hope of turning it off before Aurora was awoken too - knowing that it was best tonight to tackle one thing at a time. 

And so he immediately swiped to answer the call, not even registering who the call was from, much rather just wanting the noise to stop. 

“Hello?”

“Sam? It’s Harrison” Tom had jumped up from his seat hovering beside Sam with petrified look. It took barely seconds for Tom to snatch the phone back, launching questions down the receiver. 

“Slow down would you? Y/n is fine I was just phoning to check in.”

“Oh er yeh… um sorry I just… just thought…”

“It’s the other way mate. Nurse says she’s starting to get there cos first she moved her arm a bit when we pinched her shoulder and then I just called because she started to like gag and now the ventilator thing is gone.”

“W-what?”

“I think she’s breathing by herself? Like she’s got an oxygen mask instead of the tubes down her throat.” Clearly Harrison was not, by any means, a medical expert. 

“They said she would have the ventilator for a few days at least.”

“I guess Y/n got bored? To be fair she couldn’t ever sit still.”

“I’m coming to you.”

“Tom it’s nearly midnight, I was supposed to be kicked out at 10. Just come back in the morning, they won’t let you in I’m pretty certain.”

“What if she wakes up!”

“Then they’ll call you! She’s getting better Tom you should be try and relax for like a second.”

“FUCK OFF HAZ! If she wakes up all alone and terrified then-“

“I’m not going to having a screaming match on the phone with you. I think we both know you wanting to come is more for you than for Y/n, because Y/n would want you to be looking after Aurora.”

Again guilt tripping using the newborn. Harsh but effective. Stopping Tom’s anger dead in it’s tracks.

“Look I can put the nurse on for her to tell you they won’t let you in and they’ll call if anything happens - but you already know that.”

“Yeh sorry fine … I know don’t bother.”

“Okay… I’m was gonna head back to my place and I know you’ve probably got your mum begging to fuss over Aurora but if-“

“Can you come?”

“Didn’t need to ask mate.”

And that’s how the night went. Until Harrison arrived at the Holland family home, Tom had spent the time pacing back and forth, blatantly ignoring the pleas of Sam just to sit down. Once he arrived though, going through all the updates in a lot more detail Tom seemed, for the first time, optimistic. By no means could you call him relaxed or happy - but compared to the rollercoaster that had been the last 24 hours, Harrison thought that was more than enough. Aurora had started fussing again at 1 but by the time it had turned into a full blown scream at Tom, Sam already had the bottle ready. It took a little bit of encouragement and promise that Tom would be able to feed her but actually, she instantly latched on, settled in her Dad’s hold while guzzling down the contents of the bottle. 

After a bit of winding she ended up falling asleep on her dads chest, only when he felt himself start to flag did Tom place her back in the basket. Harrison and him ended up crashing on the sofas, Sam retiring to his own room. Phone still tightly clutched in Tom’s grip.

////////////////////

The first thing Y/n became properly aware of was this intense heaviness all over her body. It felt as though her limbs were all composed completely of lead, meaning as much as she was just craving rolling over, it was as though her own body was holding her down. A very alien feeling that unsettled her slightly, trying to shake of the misty feeling in her head to work it all out. It took a while to drag herself out of the depths of sleep, to the point where background noise slowly faded in - an alien beeping as well as distant shuffling making her heart thump with unease. Finally, perhaps most distressingly , her eyes felt glued shut. Not because they were heavy, in the way someone extremely sleep deprived cant keep their eyes open; rather stiff like they hadn’t been used in so long they’d rusted over or something. 

The feeling  was quite horrific and isolating- as though she were locked into her body without an escape in sight. Whilst trying to calm her racing thoughts, Y/n chose to focus completely on the one thing she could do. She could listen. She listened to the beeps, focusing on the type of sound, the way it chimed so regularly; and it’s form. It was familiar, for that she was sure but for now at least she couldn’t place it. 

It felt like an investigation, trying with all her might to try and workout what the fuck was going on. To put it mildly. 

The most useful clue though, a breakthrough if you will, is when a voice sounded - clear and familiar. 

“Excuse me nurse?” It was Nikki. For sure. It was a clue, but didnt seem to make a hell of a lot of sense. Y/n was so focused on why the hell Nikki was apparently watching her sleep unconscious, she completely missed the reference to the nurse. As in hospital. As in Y/n was in hospital. “… I’m just going to swap out for my sons friend.”

“Harrison?” That voice seemed new and unfamiliar.

“Yes, he won’t be a second I’m sure.”

What was Harrison doing here too? 

It was all very confusing and hurt Y/n’s brain to try and unpick. Gradually then, everything sort of melted away, diving back into the darkness.

The next time Y/n woke up things were different. This time she woke up like she would at any time of day. She woke up and her eyes followed suit. Not particularly easily, since as soon as they cracked open she was almost blinded by brilliant white lights, it taking a build up of willpower before she tried it again - bracing for the pain. 

By now she knew something was wrong. She remembered all these patchy and hazy periods. All full of confusion and disorientation but with different voices keeping her at least semi calm. Familiar voices, all too often laced with such emotion. Especially Tom’s. She couldn’t remember what he had said, nor had she probably been able to understand it at the time - what stuck was the tone. The sadness, the hopelessness , the emptiness. 

It was scary. But it made her want to help. Made her want to open her eyes. 

After wincing at the dazzling white surroundings, Y/n blinked her eyes quickly, in an attempt to get them to adjust quicker. She saw an unfamiliar ceiling, one that was tiled in a similar way to her old school canteen. There was a  weird pressure round her mouth, eyes quickly darting down to see edges of a clear mask pressed up against the bridge of her nose. That wasn’t it though, the further she looked the more her eyes panned down this pale blue blanket, following the outline of her legs to the bottom raised edge of the bed. The hospital bed. 

Her hospital bed. 

As much as she wanted to jump up in panic; physically right now that was an impossibility. So instead, Y/n focused on trying to gleam as much information from the situation. It took a hell of a lot of effort, her muscles literally stiff and ridgid with disuse but with a small groan her neck eventually agreed to follow orders. Just a small tilt to the left and suddenly Y/n felt so much more less panicked. Everything was that bit less scary because there was Tom. 

Admittedly he didn’t look amazing, or even not bad. Tom was sat with his back pressed against the side of chair, so his body faced her. Had he not looked so ruined, Y/n would’ve laughed at the side of his face squashed into the back of the seat. But he did look horrific, for lack of a better word. His brown eyes were locked shut, but also looked puffy and red, while dark at the same time - as though he’d been attempting to gouge his own eyes out prior. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks, hence why he had appeared to have collapsed in the arm chair. At least though , he wasn’t in a hospital bed himself.

That was Y/n’s pleasure. 

Her next job was to get her neck muscles to pull her head to the other side. It was a slow wincing gesture, yet she was so aware of another presence that needed to be addressed too. But actually it was 3 people.

Right at the back, a nurse sat on a little spinny chair, scribbling something down in a file of papers but to be quite honest that wasn’t were Y/n’s focus zeroed in on. Instead on Harrison who was sat in chair mirroring Tom, except instead of being passed out asleep he was cradling a baby. Her baby. 

Y/n literally felt her heart in her throat at that point, eye widening almost comically. That was her baby - it must be? The monitors all started to loose their regularity as Y/n threw an uncoordinated limb to that side of the bed- already having realised her throat was way too scratchy to try to say anything comprehensible. 

Immediately that got the attention of both the nurse, who immediately leapt up and called for support, as well as Harrison - who looked like he was seeing a ghost. 

“Oh my-Y/n-?” Luckily he kept the baby safe in his arms rather than dropping her in shock, whilst Y/n kept her eyes locked onto the bundle in his arms. Nodding down, she tried to remove the mask (actually just very slightly knocking it to one side) and attempted to ask of the baby. Her throat, being inhumanly dry and scratchy, didn’t really work but Haz still got the message, scoffing in amazement. 

“Aurora… here’s your mummy.” Harrisons voice was quiet and wavering as he delicately held Aurora against Y/n’s collar bone, the babies little tuft of har tickingling her chin. Now Y/n was crying with happiness, looking up at Haz’s icy blue eyes and questioning her name. Harrison confirmed with another disbelieving whisper, whilst the arm that wasn’t still holding Aurora clasped Y/n’s hand with a death grip. “Tom’s choice.”

The mention of him had both of them shift their gaze across the room to Tom’s chair. Even with all the developments, Tom still seemed completely unaware, fast asleep with the side of his face squished against the back of the chair making his lips slightly askew. Y/n were acutely aware of the small congregation of doctors that had accumulated in the corner of the bay but they seemed to be respectfully waiting before they would prod and poke. Haz went to call Tom’s name, before he could though, Y/n squeezed his arm and minutely shook her head. That wasn’t what the blue eyes boy had been expecting, causing Haz to unfold and bring Aurora back up to his chest as he quirked his eyebrows at her.  

She didnt need to be filled in on the situation to know exactly what was happening. She had no idea why she was in the hospital bed; how long it had been since she’d given birth - but she knew all she needed to. From Harrisons unbelievably shocked face; and from the state of Tom - it hadn’t been good. Her fiancé looked almost ghostly, it seemed evident that he needed her. First then, she gestured to Haz for some water, which after a panicked look to the nurse; then from the nurse to various doctors; she was eventually given permission. 

After somewhat alleviating the sandpaper feeling in her throat, Y/n then croakily asked for a bit of privacy. Right now the doctors all were gawking, Harrison assumed it to be because they’d all led him and Tom to believe she wouldn’t wake up for a while- and even then she was supposed to barely be awake, not able to talk and drink or anything of the sort. With an ecstatic nod Harrison, shuffled out - while doing so prompting the medical people to draw the curtains completely shut round the bay.  

Already Y/n had tears welling up in her eyes, purely because she hated seeing him like this. He just looked so broken and shattered which honestly felt worlds worse than the labour she’d gone through. Her whole body still hurt, stiff and achy for reasons yet to be explained to Y/n. None of that mattered though, as she strained her arm out to the side in order to gently reach his knee that was folded up and sticking out awkwardly at an angle. After swallowing one again, Y/n squeezed round the joint and tried to shake it slightly. Instantly the man jumped up in his seat, heavy eyes blinking quickly and repeatedly as he tried to adjust to the room. 

Being so sleep deprived and stressed out, Tom’s brain was not working normally, instead with a delayed haze as he apparently skipped over Y/n in the bed, rather surveying the the closed curtains and Harrison’s now empty chair. As he was lifting himself to sit more normally up, uncurling from the armchair, was when he noticed the hand on his knee. Breath caught in his chest, Tom instinctively bit his lip as his eyes gradually traced up the hand, to the forearm, up to the shoulder. It felt like a fever dream, as though all it would take is for him to move and she’d slip away again. But there were her green eyes, gleaming in a way that literally lifted a weight from his shoulders. Her smile was tired and a little confused, but so her - after spending days of just seeing all her features lax, Tom swore that it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

Only when Y/n finally croaked out a small ‘hi’ did Tom gain awareness of his body, or rather control of it, enough to leap up and leave over the bed - cradling her face in both his palms. Like a psycho he stared intently, swapping his focus from her left to her right eye like a madman. 

“Your-I-I” He was trying to speak, trying to communicate all the thoughts and regrets of things he wished he’d said to her all at once. Weakly she reached up to fully remove the oxygen mask, dragging It down to below her chin, before squeezing his wrists in comfort. Only then did Tom notice the small puddle that had collected on her cheek, which made him realise he was absolutely bawling. 

“You ‘kay?” Her voice was like sandpaper but everything about her was so completely Y/n and it was just giving Tom this unreal wave of euphoria. Physically incapable of replying, the brunette just scoffed, leaning over the bed even more so he could press his forehead on hers. He was laughing too, the fact she was asking him that seemed so preposterous, given all the tubes and wires attached to her at the moment. It took Y/n squeezing his wrist harder again to make him lean back a little, searching her eyes with his. She seemed so worried; seemed so full of concern - only then did Tom consider quite how much he’d ‘let himself go’ the past couple of days. 

It had been two days since Aurora was born, only 48 hours. But the transformation was mad, none more so than mentally. 48 hours had quite literally changed everything for Tom; changed life forever and himself too. It was showing in his unshaven face, with unwashed  greasy hair, everything just looking ‘tired’.

“‘m just really glad your awake.” It was so honest and sincere it did have Y/n wondering what had happened and for how long. What had she put her fiancé through?

“How long?”

“The worst two and a half days of my life… I got you now though, yeh?” Tom whispered wetly, while stroking the side of her cheek - wiping both his and her tears away.

“Always.”

The doctors and nurses then came in, podding and poking Y/n like no tomorrow while Harrison and Tom stood back a little - excitedly grinning at each other and the sleepy girl Haz was cradling, before Tom stole her off him. There was a momentary sick-to-his-stomach feeling after some of the professionals had cleared, seeing her eyes shut again felt like everything was crashing around him. Thankfully though, one of doctors noticed the look of despair on his face, explaining to the two men that she was just asleep normally. That although sh’ed spent along time unconscious, waking from a medical coma is in itself exhausting. 

After the initial excitement of Y/n waking the next couple of days were pretty samey. She’d been moved down to a normal ward, no longer needed all the incessant bleeping machines but still had to stay in hospital. Tom found it tricky too, he just always felt he needed to be by her side ‘just in case’. In fact, it had been a source of a bit of tension between him and his fiancé - she could see how exhausted he was from looking after Aurora, plus the stress of being in the hospital for hours a day with her. As Y/n got better and more switched on to the state of him, she realised it was inevitable he’d crash at some point.

But after a week and a half in hospital - comprising of a baby, emergency surgery, 3 days on intensive care, followed by 8 on the ward - Y/n was discharged. Nikki and Dom moved in to Y/n and Tom’s place, to provide care support both for Aurora; and Y/n for the rest of her recovery; and secretly Tom for everything he’d been through. 

She was still order on bed rest due to her surgical scars, so Tom and Nikki helped to set her up in the master bedroom as soon as they got in. Of course, everyone was aware of Toms odd mood that day. Until then the only thing he wanted was to get his fiancé back at home with him but now she was over the threshold his excitement and joy appeared to have been zapped out of him. In fact, he’d barely uttered more than a couple sentences. So once Y/n was properly comfortable and Dom had brought Aurora and the cot into the room, Tom’s parents quickly made themselves scarce. 

Tom hadn’t stopped, finding some reason to rummage around in the chest of drawers m while Y/n chewed at her bottom lip, watching him. 

“Tom?” All she got in response was a light hum. “Tom please will you come and sit down for a minute?”

“I just need to-“

“Tom!” Her exclamation finally properly got Tom to listen, jumping round to face her. “Please... please will you just stop for a second?” Y/n’s eyes felt as though they were boring holes in his skull. Really, Tom knew he’d be forced into this at some point because he couldn’t avoid Y/n. She had some power of mind reading over him. So with a defeated nod and sagging shoulders Tom rounded the bed, weaving between his side and Auroras cot - where she was sleeping soundly. 

A silence overcame the room as he heavily planted himself on his side of the bed, mirroring Y/n’s posture leant against the headboard. 

“I think we need to have an honest conversation T.”

“If you want.” Nothing about his reply was the picture of enthusiasm, causing Y/n to hesitate a little. 

“Look I am so beyond grateful for everything you’ve done while I was in hospital... and it doesn’t take a genius to tell you’ve worked yourself half to death-“

“I’m fine-“

“Don’t lie to me. I know you’re trying to protect me but please... will you just talk to me? Honestly?” 

His reply this time wasn’t completely unforeseeable but it still shocked Y/n quite how quickly it happened, especially almost unprovoked. Because that’s all it took for Tom to break, for the past 2 weeks to get their vengance, for all the repressed emotion to escape. 

He was crying- well more accurately sobbing- into his hands, his back quaking. Naturally Y/n reached out to pull him into her side, suppressing the groan of pain as she moved a little too much for her abdomen to handle. “I’m here T. I got you and I’m not going anywhere m‘kay?” 

And that’s how they stayed, for at least 10 minutes, with Tom crying into her shoulder as Y/n rubbed up and down his back. Eventually though, everything did calm down and Tom repositioned himself to lean his head on her shoulder just facing forward and focusing on playing with her fingers, lacing them fingers with his. 

In all the time since she’d woken up, Y/n was yet to broach the subject of their babies name yet. She sensed it was a sensitive topic to say the least, so had thought it best to wait till they were properly alone - not in a ward of 6 strangers where the only privacy came in flimsy blue curtains. 

“So…. Aurora huh? Thought it was too airy-fairy, head-in-the-clouds for you?”  Smiling lightly, both of them were transported back to the pregnancy when they spent hours and hours bickering over names. Aurora had always been Y/n’s favourite but to Tom thought it was more a name for a hippy kid who went around clad in tie dye and bandanas. 

“Still is a bit...but I needed a bit of a miracle and Iceland was in my head. Plus I sort of accidentally word vomited while shouting at Haz, for being nice to me.” Iceland as in when Tom had proposed under the aurora borealis in the freezing sky - when Y/n had agreed, promised even, to be with him forever.

“But you like it?”

“Of course... mother always knows best after all.”

“I think it suits her too. One of your best choices to date, listening to me.” Y/n mused, earning herself a very delicate but still playful elbow in the side before the room drifted back to a much more comfortable silence. 

“We’re gonna get through this you know? Me, you and her, we’re together in this... I’m sorry I wasn’t in the beginning and I’m sorry I hurt you but now? I promise you got me and I’m not going anywhere…” Y/n needed to say it and needed Tom to properly listen. “ ...literally, I still cant walk properly.” Tom chuckled wetly at that, which made Y/n feel a lot better too. 

To be completely honest, Tom was still hurt and he knew it’d take some mending to move past everything. By no means did he blame Y/n in anyway but just the fact he was left alone and abandoned - well, it was the worst time in his life. The way Y/n understood that and had apologised to him - if completely unnecessarily- meant everything. Meant she would help him to heal... whilst he helped her too. 

“Can we just go to sleep? I need to wake up beside you in our bed not at tiny hospital one.” It was only 3 in the afternoon but because of Y/n’s medicine she was constantly drowsy and Tom? Tom was still in this permanent state of exhaustion. So it wasn’t so much of a weird request as it was on the face of it. With a nod, Y/n shuffled down on the bed a bit more resting her head against the top of Tom’s. It was exactly what they both needed, just a bit of peace with each other. 

That lasted all of 5 minutes before Aurora woke and started to scream. 

Life had most definitely changed. Especially for Tom. Because even though he was he was mentally and physically exhausted,  he only appreciated his daughters screams whole heartedly... because Y/n was there groaning with a tired smile too. They were in this together. 

~~~~

 I really hope the ending didnt disappoint too much, im aware its rushed as hell, but thank you for getting this far! And I hope maybe this series has done a teeny tiny bit to normalise not everything in pregnancy and child birth being perfect - that there is morbidity and mortality associated. Obviously this is all fictional (esp the amazingly quick recovery and lack of neurological/other impairments) and not medically accurate in the slightest !!

my inbox is always open :) t x

Tagging : @whitewolf51 

[naptimeclown]

I was just sitting in the backseat on a long car ride and got the thought of who I'd be in a horror/thriller movie and wrote way more than I intended so I'm putting it under a read more if anyone is interested have a peek. It's rambley and not written properly in any way so have fun with the giant wall of text.

If I was a character in a psychological thriller type horror movie I think I'd be one of the lesser liked of the 'survivor' group. They're female but a tomboy and probably has a nickname like Mac or J. or Sam. My character is written to be very annoying(read neurodivergent) or standoffish and rude. and a lot of the fandom doesn't like them and the small circle that does is basically overshadowed by any other character. My character gets sacrificed during a cult initiation so the rest of the characters can prove themselves and hopefully survive. My character’s death is either extremely boring or obscenely graphic, theres no in between. By that point they believe it's justified(and the fandom as well for aforementioned annoying/rudeness) because I was a 'sinner' or 'unclean' (heavily queer coded, specifically trans but it's never said just heavily implied during a flash back that happens while I'm dying that shows me in a bathroom cutting my hair short as well as other movie stereotypes of trans men) also there's going to be a ton of very distasteful memes about my death but it'll be hilarious because my character wasn't liked so I deserved it. I was also the only voice of reason so once I'm gone shit hits the fan. It doesn't have a good ending and instead wraps around to the same scenario that got them all into this mess but instead of the person who originally invited us to whatever place stuff was happening at it's the lead of the supposed survivor characters trying to lure in the next group. Because the movie had an all girl cast that 'lived' (remember my death was justifiable so I don't count) it's gonna be seen by the general (cis) public as a 'girl power' movie. Any queer ppl with critical thinking skills are gonna mention how fucked up it was how my character was handled but get screamed at cause 'its horror it's suppose to be fucked up!!!!Theres no perfect queer representation!!!' the creator of the show is gonna go on rants on Twitter about how the story got mangled and my character was suppose to be queer and the actual main character and I was suppose to escape, but it kept getting revised until it was the mess it ended up as but shrug can't do anything against these big cooperations. No one listens or cares. The small part of the fandom that did like my character are going to be queer and I'm mostly going to be misinterpreted as a lesbian despite the creator specifically stating otherwise. And the small collection of trans fans that like my character are basically never acknowledge within the fandom. Any fanfics written about my character are from ppl that didn't like me and are basically using my character to fulfill a savior complex in their escape au. Or I'm gonna be in a swap au where my character is working with the bad guys. (just my character, they’re the only one that’s swapped because lmao wouldnt it be so edgy if the one that got murdered was the bad guy???? and its totally not cause I was annoying or rude) I'm going to get miswritten as very pitiful and helpless and infantilized or demonized and be extremely brutish and a complete asshole. Any fan art of my character either makes them extremely thin/muscley (my character is canonically fat but ya know ~movie~ fat, this was another thing that was revised, my character was suppose to be actually fat) or they make me fat but slobbish and it just shows how they view fat people as disgusting. no one comments on this despite it being very obvious. Everyone who doesnt like how my character was handled blames the creator(whose a queer person themself) rather than the company that issued all the changes. The actor that played my character later comes out as trans and says working with the shows original writer helped them a lot to come to terms with their feelings of self. About 10-15 years after the movies originally released it suddenly gains a lot of attention online again. The creator was able to gain the rights back to the property and is making their own sequel with a different company fueled entirely on spite. This time a comedy horror where after a few years a new survivor brings my character back from the dead as they’re trying to find a way out of the cult. My character is played by the original actor, now after their transition. Theirs some goofy line about how hell was awesome and satan gave them hrt to explain the difference in appearance. The movie focuses on them getting revenge and finishing things once and for all. It’s incredibly campy and was the creators way of letting their story be what they wanted. The cis/het audience that loved the first movie is appalled and thinks they ruined the series. But it becomes a cult classic in queer spaces. Some people might revisit how they viewed the first one but in fandom space it becomes one of those ‘we never speak of this version’ kind of things.

I have a normal sense of self.

[watch-grok-brainrot]

hii i was wondering if you have any other cdrama recs that's similar in tone to cql that's not shl? it doesn't have to be adapted from danmei either. i've tried ashes of love but the generous use of cgi kinda threw me off. i tried handsome siblings too, and i found that i LOVE wuxia as a genre but the pace feels a little all over the place so i didn't finish it either. any kind of help would be much appreciated!

I don’t watch as much cdrama as I would like… I think @baoshan-sanren @wuxian-vs-wangji @wuyus, @minmoyu, and @drwcn all watch more than I do i think.... i’m just not good at focusing on ANYTHING tbh. ooof.

This post got long. TL;DR: i’d probably say try out Ever Night, Legend of Fei, and Love and Redemption in that order. 

I recommend Nirvana in Fire a TON but it’s not the same -- much heavier but the pacing is AMAZING. 

Joy of Life and Sleuth of Ming Dynasty are both very good so far but i’m not done with them. They’re not really wuxia. Joy of Life is like a isekai.  and Sleuth is semi-wuxia but period specific and case solving. Lots of food.

 You might enjoy movies such as Painted Skin and Yin Yang Master: Dream of Eternity.

 Also check out some danmei based donghuas. you might have fun. For a much more rambley list... see after the cut

AND! i almost forgot!!!! check out mydramalist. a lot of shows are listed there and maybe you can see what you like. i’ll probably watch anything as long as it’s well done... or pretty enough... hahaha. 

That said, since Nov 2019 I have watched/half heartedly paid attention to while playing phone games:

Love and redemption – this one was ok. It was almost really good and then kinda fell flat for me. I don’t think I’d watch it again but I did like the setting and a lot of the premise.

And the winner is love – this one is fun! But the first 12 eps are slow and I have a hard time caring. The rest get a bit better. I didn’t hate it. I did like how they randomly killed off characters so that was good. Flirty Luo Yunxi with a fan was definitely a perk. If you like him, I recommend.

Ever Night (I) – OH! This one is a ton of fun. I think its intricacy level and setting styles and storytelling pacing isn’t too far off from CQL’s. but it’s only S1. WORTH IT, imo… but S2 is so different I couldn’t make it past ep 1

Nirvana in Fire – AMAZING. BEST FREAKING CHINESE DRAMA I’VE EVER SEEN. PERIOD. HANDS DOWN. MIND BLOWING. But it IS INTENSE and not really like cql. It’s fun but much much much heavier. I technically first watched this in 2016 but I rewatched it this year so it’s on the list.

Love o2o – not bad. Boring. Not much plot. The main ship are cute enough, I guess. Something to watch in the bkgd.

King’s Avatar – I seriously only watched this to see Yang Yang on my non-gif-making screen whenever I was waiting for things to happen in photoshop. It’s ok. Cute. Feels like a sports anime. Is an esports show.

Legend of Fei – this might be your best bet on something close to CQL. The plot, imo, is a bit contrived… and it really kinda feels like a shonen manga if I’m gonna be honest… maybe a shonen manga crossed with a season of super sentai.

Dating in the Kitchen – cute, straight, modern romance. The girl is only a TINY bit annoying. She’s a chef and spunky. It was fun.

Eternal Love – not terrible. Better than ashes of love. I don’t really like yang mi that much…

Ashes of Love – do not recommend. Unless you adore Luo Yunxi. I also don’t love Yang Zi… so that doesn’t help. I haven’t seen her in a role where I didn’t want to smack her yet. (but my sample size is 2… so there’s that)

Lost Tomb Season 1 this was fun? again, something to only half pay attention to. cliche. tang yan is hot in it. and yang yang too... but not really enough of yang yang for me... ope. 

(and of course, CQL and SHL)

I’m assuming if you’re asking about cql, you’ve looked at tgcf, mdzs, and svsss animations. Have you looked up the Qian Qiu donghua? I think it’s call “shan he tong bei”… but I could be wrong. @hunxi-after-hours blogs about it a lot. Worth checking out. I loved the novel. Currently I’m watching can ci pin on bilibili.

I’m in the middle of:

Guardian – I like it even if it’s sometimes a bit cringy

Sleuth of Ming Dynasty – this one is FUN. I should pay more attention

Advance Bravely – I watch this after I drink booze and then only if I am streaming it as a group watch on discord. It’s danmei and a hot mess of a show. Do not watch without emotional support. Do not watch as a serious show.

Joy of Life – this one is serious but good so far. I’m scared to get too far because no word on S2 and I was burned with Ever Night. It’s really good so far though… I’m only only ep 7ish.

Ode to Joy – the cast is so good: Liu Tao, Wang Kai, Wang Ziwen, Jin Dong… but I just can’t get into it.

Older shows I watched that i can remember:

My Sunshine: modern romance. Sad and melancholy in tone. Not like cql at all. But!! Luo Yunxi is in it briefly. And he is styled so poorly it’s just sad. And kinda funny. Tang Yan and Wallace Chung are great in it. I enjoyed it a lot. (granted, this was 2014/2015 and I might’ve been some various levels of depressed at the end of grad school… )

Princess Pearl: wuxia-ish. Zhao wei skyrocketed to fame with this show. It was fun. Qing dynasty to prepare you eyes for the queues… but it’s a lot of fun. If you’re a tea snob (like my dad was and now I am), you’ll be pissed about a character claiming dragonwell tea is from taihu… but that’s really just my own neurosis. I liked the spunky MC and her bff. Very nostalgic for me

Tiger Mom: Hilarious modern family/slice of life drama about raising kids in china. i loved it... but i love the two leads? one of which is zhao wei of princess pearl fame. 

CCTV’s version of Romance of Three Kingdoms (1994), Journey to the West (1986), and Dream of Red Mansion (1987) are all amazing and cultural touchstones… but no… I’m rambling. I should recommend this but that might be 90% of my nostalgia and cultural feels speaking. Nothing like cql… I should also recommend a good version of Outlaws of the Marsh… but I don’t remember having any really grab me as a kid. Ope.

Wuxia shows based on Jin Yong novels (there are multiple versions of these, usually and 100% were wuxia staples for 80s/90s kids and even my parents’ generation)

Legend of the Condor Heroes: classic. Iconic. Watch this to get a lot of Chinese references

Return of the Condor Heroes: shifu/disciple taboo trope, I liked it ok. Not my favorite. I did like a lot of the wuxia world building

Heavenly Sword and Dragon Sabre: good main character whump, main character takes a while to show up though… I didn’t like how it felt like a harem anime for a bit… and the ML doesn’t show up for a while…

Proud Smiling Wanderer: this one I loved. Also good MC whump. Uh… ok. I like whump… *facepalm* and I don’t remember that much more of it but I did read it twice almost two decades ago and liked it… even if I didn’t like the eunuch related weird stuff and that definitely didn’t age well… it was a good story…

And i never did get into Deer and Cauldron. I read 3/5 to 4/5 of the novel, got really annoyed with the lack of morality of the MC and quit. it was fun but i had no desire to watch the show if couldn’t even stomach the novel. 

[saurons-pr-department]

Hi! 14, 18 and 23 for the ask game?

14. Saddest moment in The Silmarillion? Probably Fingon's death. Just moments before (for the reader anyway) he's so hopeful and then he ends up getting one of the more graphic deaths in the book. Like, I don't think anyone else's death is really described, so Fingon's death always really stands out to me.

(Actually, the other death that really stands out to me is Beleg's death. Not because it's his friend who he's trying to rescue who accidentally kills him. Oh no. It's because the first time I was reading the book I remember looking up from my page and saying to myself "I really like this Beleg guy" and then I looked back down, turned the page and straight away he died! T_T)

18. What is the hardest name or word for you to pronounce? Cuiviénen is the first thing that springs to mind. There's probably plenty more, but this one definitely is a big "Why so many vowels in one place Jirt? Why??". Though, I think I've gotten the hang of this one now, thanks to The Prancing Pony Podcast, but if I had never heard them say it, I'd still be completely lost!

23. Do you have pity for Melkor? Oh yes! And it's probably come through in some of the posts I make about him from time to time. I'll admit, I'm not a big "His daddy was so mean to him! He just wanted to sing his own song!" type person. I'm very much aware that Melkor's intentions were not pure. It wasn't really a case of him wanting to be an individual and not being allowed to. We're told that he changed what he was singing because he wanted to make himself more important. We're told he wanted to go to Arda and be it's King because he wanted people to serve him and call him lord. It's not really a case of a misunderstanding.

At the same time, I feel for him in that Eru is the one who made him so powerful and gave him some of the talents and knowledge of each of the others, yet at no point do we really see Eru directing him in how to use this or what this might mean. Also, seeing as he doesn't seem to be capable of making things from scratch like the other Valar, but instead can alter what's already there, I often think that that was his purpose, that he's there to bring in variation, diversify things, to build on what the others make. He also seems to have brought cycles to the world. The Valar were making things to stay the same all the time, which would be great for Elves, but everyone else would probably be bored out of their minds! He created rain, which anyone who has ever lived through a sudden lack of it will tell you, is very very important to life on Earth. Volcanos appear to be his 'fault', and while potentially deadly, they also give greatly fertile land, a variety of types of rocks/glass and they create more land as they go! (Volcanos are very cool and we respect them in this house).

Okay, I think I'm getting a bit rambley, but yeah, I think Melkor had a lot of potential to genuinely be a very important force for good, but Eru never seemed to properly instruct him, nor was his talent for altering ever understood for the usefulness it could have had (admittedly, he did use it to corrupt things out of spite which really wasn't helping his case....).

I'm also someone who gets really annoyed with Eru's whole "At the end of the world you'll all understand your position in the music better. Yeah, you'll all suffer horribly in the meantime due to your lack of understanding, but that's just something I personally I'm willing to sit through" thing...

Silm Asks

[friendamedes]

i would like your missy thoughts

i haven’t spent too long putting it into neat words so it’s very rambley, and also unedited i’m very sorry about that, but it basically boils down to a) missy doesn’t know who she is and b) missy benefits from people assuming she is one way or another even if it’s not true

an earlier character analysis post of mine is linked in the body of this, but if you don’t want to go looking or want to start off with that, here it is (about the vault).

a) i don’t think missy knows who she is

missy’s creation (regeneration) & death are cyclical—her death caused her life, and by the time of her death she’s changed a TON. so i do think that from the moment she starts to exist she has no idea who she is. (she probably struggles with a lot of self-hatred due to the circumstances of her last death, even if she doesn’t exactly remember the details!!!!)

missy changes her name! from the get-go it’s established that she has a shaky, uneven sense of self. she is no longer The Master, even if she’s still the same person. she’s someone similar, but not exactly the same. her first introduction establishes that she doesn’t even have her own voice. In Deep Breath, she says, “... I do like his new accent, though,” to the half-face man. “Think I might keep it.”

i don’t think she entirely failed in her cyberman plot, because i don’t think she’s entirely upfront and honest with why she puts it into motion. she wants the doctor’s companionship (missy is a desperately lonely character), and she wants to re-establish who she is (by doing something capital E Evil). 

(and she’s struggling with her identity in s10 even more. if she isn’t The Master anymore, who is she? if she doesn’t have basic, surface-level character traits, what’s left? what does she have to confront that she’s been lying to herself about? with everyone else, she lets herself wear the mask they think is her face, but the doctor never thought that, and left alone with him, she has to find out what she really looks like. and i think that scares her a lot, even if she’d never admit it). 

b) she lets you think that she is who you think she should be

missy is fully aware that she comes off as flighty, unpredictable, pretty—she knows that you’ll underestimate her and read her at a surface level, at least at first, and she relies on it. missy lies to you. taking from her original introduction and her character throughout s8/s9 and deciding that she’s cheerful or happy all the time is a mistake.

(this is the issue i have with big finish’s missy audios, honestly! they’re very fun but they don’t lend her any depth of character or let her have moments of quiet/character development. she is capable of good and being multifaceted on her own. she does not need the doctor, even if she would prefer his company.)

she’s incredibly repressed and sad! in s10 Eaters of Light, she asks the doctor, “I don't even know why I'm crying. Why? Why do I keep doing that now?” missy isn’t even used to crying! she’s not used to expressing her emotions at all, let alone in a healthy way that doesn’t include murder or burning things down.

(like i mentioned in this post, which i’d mentioned earlier that i’d link, missy has the CAPACITY to do good before s10, she just doesn’t do it often. and yes, her definition of doing good differs from the doctor’s, and the show usually puts the doctor’s definition as The Definition Of Goodness, which is neither here nor there—but she helps people, because she cares about their survival. maybe she doesn’t do it often because it goes against her established identity, and she doesn’t know what to do without that. maybe she doesn’t do it because it’s boring, or she thinks it’s a waste of time. probably a combination of those and other reasons!)

anyway. i don’t really know how to wrap this up—but i do want to leave you with the thought of davies’s doctors, and how lonely they are, how desperate they are for another time lord or companion. how it’s acceptable for ten to be frustrated that he’s always the smartest person in the room, the last of his kind, and the solace they find in their human companions. and i just want to remind you that missy doesn’t let herself trust humans, doesn’t see them as worth her time. (perhaps sees befriending them as inappropriate or dirty, even, considering her comments in World Enough And Time!) and i kind of wanted to ask: why is it okay for a character played by a man to want companionship that is Enough, but when a woman wants that it’s boring or it makes her weaker?

[thatiranianphantom]

Heyyy!! Just came in here to ask I hope everything’s okay on your side since you’re not much active and I am seeing you quite less on my dash 🥺

Oh, sweetheart, thank you so much for this. 

It is truly so very sweet of you to both notice and care to send me a message, and I hope you don’t mind that I answer it publicly! I really never share IRL stuff on any of my social medias. Like I post on Facebook once in a blue moon, and never about personal stuff. But there is some rambley stuff under the cut if anyone is interested!

First and foremost, I am fine! I am totally fine. My country’s in a shitshow right now and just did NOT deal well with covid, but I am about as good as I can be, considering. I don’t struggle with depression, which I do feel fortunate about.

Riverdale-wise, I have been quite uninspired lately, and if I’m being honest, pretty bored. Bored by the plot, bored by the lack of interaction in my ship, bored by how much the writers have jerked the fandom around this season. I love being in the fandom, but I haven’t even been able to write anything good in awhile. It’s a bit jarring, especially with the fact that we have to wait nearly 3 months for more content. 

Also, like 80% of what you see posted is the queue. I am an overuse of the queue. I tend to like a bunch of stuff and set it all up in my queue to post sporadically, so while I’m online often, I am not reblogging actively. 

Personally, while again, I am fine, I just feel a bit stuck. I’m a teacher now, and don’t get me wrong, I definitely like some parts of it. But I feel like one of the most significant times was when I lived in Central Africa and worked with a local outreach group and orphanage. Don’t get me wrong, I had plenty to complain about there, but the complaints were always around work, not my work with the orphanage. Those kids became some of the most important people to me, and now I haven’t seen them in over a year and a half, with no way to contact them. I’m told they’re doing well, but man, sometimes it hits me hard. Today was a warm day, so we were doing a family outside gathering around the fire, covid friendly, and I was listening to the kids behind me play, and smelling the fire that smelled like all the food the orphanage used to cook on the fire, and feeling the sun and a truckload of The Sads hit. I won’t have my social work degree for two more years, and just...sometimes I feel a bit stuck. I also am realizing more and more how much I want to make my life away from Canada, and go back to Africa, but I’m also super close to my family so that would be hard. 

Somehow, it’s much easier to vent here than it is on Facebook. Anyone else find that? If you’ve made it to the end of this, thank you and I appreciate you reading and reaching out. Just that makes me feel so much better ❤️

[rimofwell]

feels weird to be posting on here after my frequent absences. at times, i think there’s really nothing to say but in reality i think there’s actually so much to say that i don’t know where to even begin. 

i’m nearing the end of my 2nd year and i truly cannot believe how quickly the time has gone. i’m taking my candidacy/qualifying exam in less than three weeks and i am honestly paralyzed by fear? part of me is looking forward to it being over with and officially being a ~phd candidate~ lol but another part of me is like, “lol ur gonna fail” which has produced this nice mixture of dread / anticipation. i really just want it to be over with, though i have appreciated the dedicated time to step away from the bench for a bit and really dive into the literature on my project and the state of my field altogether. there’s so much information out there and it’s overwhelming and exciting and trying to synthesize it together into a coherent story is actually pretty fulfilling. i have veered a bit from genetics and am working on a project that touches a bit on structural bio/biochemistry which is neat and not something i anticipated/planned etc. i have been missing writing/reading lately - like reading non-science papers. it reminds me of college and how my dual interests in literature + science kept me grounded and also never bored. anytime i got tired of one subject i’d kind of dive into the other. i feel like there’s this whole other part of my brain that i don’t really get to access on a regular basis and i miss it. i’m trying to think about what fulfills me and i think it really is.... learning? like science is amazing and fascinating and i do love it but there are also so many other things i love that i don’t have time to delve into as much as i want to. i think maybe i was happiest during my gap year when i got to learn as much as i wanted about everything. i do want to finish my phd in molecular biology and will, but i really just want to find something that fulfills me or figure out how to craft a personal life that is gratifying, stimulating, and fulfilling and i’m not entirely sure how to do that or what that will look like.

anyway, this has gotten quite rambley but really i just had to take a break from all the reading and writing and remind myself that i am a person too, with thoughts that don’t entirely revolve around my research project; that there are these whole other parts of me that matter too and that i want to nurture and also cherish. especially trying to remind myself of that because i have my “practice qual” on friday, which is basically me giving a defense and getting grilled for two hours by people from my lab who know a ton on the topic and it’s definitely good and will be helpful and honestly excellent preparation for the actual exam but i’m still very anxious for it and am just not looking forward to feeling like an idiot for two hours. 

in good news, i received a fellowship that i impulsively applied for back in december so i have my own funding which is nice and helps a touch with my anxiety about the whole thing. this week and last week have been just packed with honestly so many things. so many shitty personal things and so many expectations and lab/research related things i’ve had to do and i’m just like fuck? this is actually so much, i have to do so much. and the thought sometimes overwhelms me but thankfully i think in a way that knowledge helps a bit. like just me looking at all that’s on my plate and being like, “okay yes this is actually a lot but you can do hard things and you’ve done hard things, seemingly impossible things! who knows how! lmao but somehow you can always pull through” and that’s always been the case whether it be applying for phd programs a week before the deadline and getting into all but one program or throwing together what i think is a shitty fellowship application and then somehow getting the award. or writing my proposal in like 2 days. i think i’m maybe too hard on myself but the way my brain works is pretty frustrating to me and i’m thankful it works out but so wish i could be more normal about it all? like..... working on something consistently, a little bit everyday versus doing it all in a few very intense hours. my roommates who are also in the 2nd year of their phd in the same program and i talk about this all the time and i’m always like, “lol another day of being useless and not studying like i said i was going to!” and the other day one of them was like, “yes but you’ll be fine. what takes me several days to do takes you a few hours” and i thought about it and was like yes that’s kind of true but the time leading up to those few hours is kind of grueling and really it’s just me hoping that somehow my two brain cells come together to produce something coherent

god this has gotten so off track i don’t even remember what i started making this post about and instead of scrolling back to the top and trying to connect it, i think i’m just going to let it be and say that everything is a lot but i’m also working on being more intentional about my choices and i think that intentionality has come from a bunch of realizations i’ve had lately. realizations that i don’t have to live my life in any particular way. that “success” has kind of lost its appeal for me. it’s lost its draw? i don’t know quite the word for it. i think i’ve realized that i can “do this” if ~this~ is what i want, the being in academia maybe being a professor and having this very kind of strict and clear cut life but i don’t know if i want to do that. i want to find what fulfills me and i think i have a right and almost owe it to myself to figure it out. to see if i can find some sense of peace and calm actually inside of myself versus tethering myself to reality by my responsibilities and commitments. 

also once again forgot where i was going with that but i hope everyone is doing alright. i do try to check in on people even though i’m not posting but i do miss you all and honestly at this point don’t know if anyone is still reading but if so thank you. 

this quote has been coming to mind lately - it’s been true throughout my life and continues to be

“I used to think that the ability to turn back time would be the greatest possible gift, so that I could undo all the things I wish I hadn’t done. But grace is an even better gift, because it allows me to do more than just erase; it allows me to become more than I was when I did those things. It’s forgiveness without forgetting, which is much sweeter than amnesia.”

[lorebird]

1 4 6 for the artist asks!

1. Show your most recent wip

Ok the thing I’m working on right now is pretty close to done, so instead I’ll give you this older wip of an inteleon/primarina fusion for that pokemon egg post from a little bit back! I wasn’t happy w where this was going so I switched to working in a sketchbook instead, it just feels easier for making designs

4. Favourite things to draw?

SNARLING DRAGONS FACING LEFT BABY

6. Which artists inspire you right now?

Ok this one’s hard bc a lot of the inspiration I get is from random artists scattered all across the internet SHFJSKFK... my default answer is Marco Bucci bc his youtube videos got me super into the painterly style that I’m now working towards! But the honest answer is So Fuckin Many People. Before I had any social media, I’d find random artists I liked and add their pages to a big bookmark folder that I’m estimating at roughly 250 long...... I’d just choose a random one to scroll through when I was bored or needed inspiration LOL and now I’m mutuals with some of them which!!! Blows my mind!!!!! And with even more people I didn’t know back then but admire very much now!!!!! Sorry I’m getting rambley BUT. Suffice it to say I’m very inspired by loads of different people

[redisriding]

Reading Schedule

{UPDATED 10 March 2021}

Sharing my reading and my thoughts about that reading with you all...

My ask box is always open if anyone has any recommendations that they think I might like, or wants opinions on books I’ve read.

February

A Court of Thorns and Roses,  A Court of Wings and Ruin,  A Court of Mist and Fury,  A Court of Frost and Starlight - [READ] Ahead of the release of ACOSF I did a big reread of the ACOTAR series. This was the first time I had picked up these books in more than a year and I forgot just how wonderful and soul comforting they are. I actually have loads of thoughts and opinions on them, that I will share in upcoming posts over the next few weeks/months.

A Court of Silver Flames - [READ] What a book! I have loads to say about it, and sure that I will have even more after I read it a second time (which is what I’m doing at the moment). If you’re interested in my thoughts on the book (yes there are spoilers) you can read what I had to say HERE.

The Roommate - [READ] I had heard really good things about this book (lots of comparisons to the Hating Game which I read at the end of last year and LOVED LOVED LOVED) but to be honest I didn’t really enjoy it. The romance didn’t sizzle enough for me, and I found parts of the story irrelevant or even boring.  The writing was weak and many of the real-life aspects to the story struck me as incorrect rather than “creative licence”. The worst part however *spoilers* was the public declaration of love at the end. And if there is anything I hate reading than a public declaration of love, it’s a declaration on radio or TV. HATE IT. It’s the opposite of my catnip. All of the above sounds like I didn’t enjoy the book, which is untrue, I did, I just think it didn’t live up to my high expectations. 

Heir (Bloodline Vampires 2) - [READ] This is the second book in a slightly banana pants erotica series. I would say this second book was less of a sizzling “one handed read” than the first, Still very enjoyable and I look forward to the third instalment. 

March

Polaris Rising - [READ] I’ve had this book sitting on my shelf for the last month waiting to be picked up. It’s a big, sweeping space opera, which is not something I’ve ever read before, but from the first chapter I was hooked. I really enjoyed this book, personally I would have liked a little more romance, and I thought the ending was slightly convenient/rushed, but otherwise is an excellent romp. Would recommend! 

P*rn Star - [READ] This book was recommended as an antithesis to Roommate, in that the porn stars in question didn’t leave sex work after getting together, and while I can see why it was recommended, this book didn’t exactly deliver on that front as *SPOILER* both of the couple leave sex work except to have sex with each other on screen, which I think is somewhat of a cop out. I think this book could have done with an edit as in some places it was repetitive/rambley but otherwise a really delightful read. The couple have scorching chemistry and some really hot sex scenes! 

Aurora Blazing - [READ] This is the sequel to Polaris Rising and focuses on the sister of the lead in the first book. While this book is very much a space adventure with the romantic B-plot, I absolutely loved it and the story kept me hooked beyond me wondering when the couple were going to smooch. Really enjoyed it - cannot wait to get my hands on the third instalment. 

The Professional (Game Maker Series) - [READING] Some of you might remember that I attempted to get into Kresley Cole’s famous Immortals After Dark Series a few months ago, however I ended up DNF’ing the prequel novella A War Lord Wants Forever. Well, I started listening to the podcast Fated Mates and they do a whole recap of all the IAD books out so far and I listened along and really enjoyed them. I’m still unsure whether IAD is for me, but to test the water I’ve decided to pick up Kresley’s other (contemporary romance) series, the Game Maker. I devoured the first three chapters last night as I was falling asleep, my eyes were battling a losing fight to stay open and awake to read more! The premise is kind of silly, but I’m already hooked. Hopefully it will continue to deliver, and if so, it might be enough to tempt me into reading IAD after all. 

April

Rule of Wolves - [TO BE READ] This baby is out on 30 March. I’m debating waiting until it comes out in paperback but I don’t want to be spoiled so I probably will read it pretty soon after it’s released. I can’t say that I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for this release as I didn’t love King of Scars. That said, I had read everything else in the Grishaverse series and so want to know how the story ends.

Burn for Me (Hidden Legacy Series) - [TO BE READ] This is the first book in the first trilogy of the Hidden Legacy Series. It was recommended to me some time ago, and only recently heard someone else say how much they enjoyed it, so it is on my list of things to read. Not exactly sure when I’ll get to it, but I’ll leave it in April reads in the hope I get to it sooner rather than later (and that it lives up to the hype!).

Also, I am doing the Heaving Bosoms (podcast) reading embrace this year. The embrace can be found HERE. Basically, you read books that fit into each (incredibly vague) category. If anyone has any suggestions for books that could fit these categories (especially England Times America as I really don’t read historical romance/fiction - although in 2020 I did read the Night Circus which would be the perfect fit except for the fact I read it in 2020!) that would be incredible (just slide into my DMs or Asks)!  

[fuck-you-i-am-spiderman]

I hope you're doing allright i was thinking of you ♡ I have things to tell you! Sending you lots of hugs and chocolate 🍫 -da

Hi!!! 🥰

This was very sweet to receive. I'm doing okay, got a lot of things going on but @hersilentlanguage and I came up with my next fic idea...a sequel that no one but us asked for so we'll have that to look forward to in the future 😏

Also, I'm going to be getting my hair dyed in the next few months. I love my blue hair ngl, butttttt I'm bored and I want a change so that's also something that will be good to do. I get my hair professionally dyed once a year. How do we feel about orange?

I love hugs! I'm a very affectionate person so they're always appreciated. I can't promise I'll respond rapidly, I'm kind of floating about as and when I get the energy (and I like to make sure I'm giving asks, direct messages etc my full attention because there's nothing worse than me rushing out a response that just isn't as passionate as it could be yknow). But you can inbox me any time and I'll respond when I can, I always see then but it takes me some time. But anyway, before this gets too rambley, thank you for sending this it is very sweet and I really do appreciate you 💕

[hollowtowne]

what do ur headmates look like?? /gen

we all look pretty different tbh, although most of us are non-human (we’ve only got one baseline human and 2? 3? humans with various powers)

kinda bored, so ima just make a big ol long post with images bc why not. nothings gonna be in any particular order tbh

ok. so. i’ll just start with me (cedar). i’m a ginger(?) cat and i’m very floofy :D

pretty sure i’m actually an introject of this pic, so that’s cool

all our fictives look like their sources, if not really similar. i think the only non-oc fictives we have are kaminari and toga (my hero academia) and lumine (genshin impact) so pretty much any canon art or fanart or whatever will be pretty accurate.

moving on to some others, we’ve got the other coolest bitch here besides me /j who hasn’t decided on a name yet but its our resident cryptic cat

(pretty similar, i think vey also have horns?? not sure)

next up we’ve got our cool host moth who’s some kind of demon thing?? i dunno, don’t think they know either

(drawn by them)

next, owl! they’re chill, apparently they’re some sort of shapeshifting void being

(this isn’t really accurate, but every time we’ve tried to draw them it doesn’t look right so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

uhh ok im getting tired so i’ll just do a few more of the ppl who front most- the others might make separate posts introducing themselves later idk,,

uhm lynx! despite his name they’re more of a snow leopard which i find kinda funny

again, not that accurate, but picrews really arent always very accurate

kota! resident ghost, makes jokes about being dead every 2 seconds

and dr. creek bc why not, they’re the only normal human here skdhdjsks

he doesn’t always have the flower crown (actually ive never seen him wear it tbh)

also marble looks like the art in that post a while back with the kitsune marble fox which i can’t fIND- (which i think yip drew btw)

i’m now realizing this is becoming more of a ‘meet the headmates’/introduction kinda thing but my brain is all over the place rn so ignore that- i’m sure one of us will make an actual post with descriptions/intros for all/most of us-

also this is definitely not all of us but i’m tired now so uh- also sorry this is so rambley skdndnsj idk if this is what you wanted anon but idc

[that-banana-headed-bovine]

Knight Rider 2000

WARNING

This post contains spoilers for Knight Rider 2000, the 1991 film which attempts to expand on the canonical universe of Knight Rider (1982-1986).  Key word, attempts.  I know that this film came out almost 30 years ago at this point, but I also know that this fandom grows a little bit every day, and there will ALWAYS be people who haven’t seen every episode (myself included), let alone every movie!  I happened to catch it on Charge! for Hoff's birthday (yes I'm hella late posting this LOL) with my good friend @trust-doesnt-oxidize​, and boy let me tell you, it was… Something.

From here on out, I’m not holding back from sharing my impression of the film based on specific details from it, so if you want a spoiler-free viewing, go watch it and come back!!  Or… don’t, it’s kind of awful.  I can only think of one thing in canon that it may spoil, and even that appears in early Season 2 and is fairly minor, so if you are curious about it, I HIGHLY recommend watching it BEFORE reading this.  The scenes with the most impact are touching because they come as a surprise, so even if you know the general plot of the film, I would recommend watching it first.

Also this is really rambley because I have a lot of emotions about this series and, by extension, this movie.  I really don’t blame you if you click away here, but if you DO read it all the way through, I would love to hear anything you would like to add, agree or disagree!

OKAY!  Knight Rider 2000 is a movie that exists!  And I hate it!

The film sets up an interesting argument between two groups of people whose names I don’t remember because they were boring (except for Devon, I know his name at this point).  In this interpretation of the “future,” gun control has been implemented to,,, some extent, I can’t entirely tell if there have been some policies implemented across the country or if it is all localized in this one city that even the Wikipedia page for this movie doesn’t bother to mention.  And no, this city is NOT in California for once!  Usually I would be happy to see a change of setting, but considering that everything in this film felt so foreign to the Knight Rider that we know, it would have been nice to at least have a familiar setting.  Anyway, gun control stuff.  The debate between whether these gun control policies are ethical or not is very interesting.  Innocent people are dying because the wrong people have guns and the police are rendered useless when they themselves don’t have access to weapons.  This argument happens to support my perspective on the issue, so I appreciated how it took a look at that side WITHOUT it sounding like we are crazy murderer people, but I digress.  It makes sense that the ban happened in the first place, because much like how the main conflict in Pixar’s latest film Incredibles 2 revolves around society’s over-reliance on superheroes, I could see Knight Rider’s society becoming dependent on technology to save them.  It can be easy to seem like the most advanced tech in that society is present only in KITT and KIFT, and to SOME extent that is true.  However, Shawn does say that it is relatively common in this society for people to have memory chips in their brain.  That counts for something.  And the police DO have a defense mechanism according to the Wikipedia page for this movie, it’s just nonlethal.

So as you can see, I am very interested in the conflict this world sets up.  I sure hope they expand on these conflicting ideologies throughout the film, giving us a clearer idea of why the bans were set in place AND giving us insight into what exactly has caused some revolt against it.  That subject is seemingly timeless, and with how decently the introduction tackled it, I have some confidence that this film could pull it off in a tasteful way.  Wouldn’t that be amazing?   It’s some of the most serious subject matter Knight Rider has ever tackled.  It’s so interesting!

Yeah they pretty much abandon that plot in place of a very, very bad copy of the original show’s “Hearts of Stone” (season 1, episode 14).  Illegal guns exist and are bad, but we don’t really know why.  I may know a little better if I had been listening closer, but I was trying to not get so bored that I missed Kitt’s parts!

At some point during this sequence, we are introduced to Shawn, a happy police officer who is happy to have a family on a happy birthday.  And then she gets shot!  Due to head force trauma rendering her unconscious, she’s sent to the hospital.  She goes in for a risky operation that miraculously saves her life against all odds.

Then, Michael wakes up with Garthe Knight’s face and hears a great story about how one man CAN make a difference!… I mean what?  

Jokes aside, it’s kind of amazing how much this very Michael-esque sequence comes across very differently.  It’s almost the perfect example of why I don’t like this movie.  The surgery is weirdly realistic for a Knight Rider entity.  There’s blood and screens and surgeons and a sterile white room for operations.  Michael woke up in a Medieval castle with one doctor and two random people he’d never met at his side.  Shawn’s situation clearly makes more sense, but is it half as fun and whimsical?  No, no it’s not.  This whole film comes across as depressing to me, and it’s only worsened by what’s to come.  Apparently, she had KITT’s CPU/Microprocessor/something sciencey implanted into her brain.  That’s especially strange since all that I saw was a yellow liquid being injected directly into her skull!  That’s a lovely image, and definitely gave me the idea that there was a full computer chip going in there???  (It may have actually been explained more clearly, and I just looked away because eek weirdly bloody operation scene)  This caused her personality to do a full 180.  So, Shawn is going to be fun, snarky, and full of personality like KITT is because they share memories now!  Right?  Right???

I think they tried to do that, but it came across flat.  So flat.  She speaks in a purposefully monotone, robotic voice and delivers downright mean comments that leave Michael and KITT scratching their heads.  She seems to lack basic empathy until her own memories start flooding back, and at that point, the emotions she show seem so foreign to the character we see that it’s not remotely believable.  You want me to believe that this robotic woman with -10 personality points started nearly crying after one string of memories, albeit a very traumatic one, entered her mind?  This would have been believable if she was entirely changed afterwards, coming across as far more human, but that was only the case sometimes.  It also would have been believable if the film had the same energy that the original Knight Rider show does, where suspending one’s disbelief is necessary to make it past the opening credits.  However, this movie tries to be so grounded that the kind of dramatic beats that would work in the original seem forced here.

Shawn is not the only character who I take issue with, though.  Let’s start with the most potentially problematic change from the usual canon in the entire film: KITT’s personality.  I have very mixed feelings on how he is portrayed.  If you’ve seen as much as a spattering of quotes from this movie, you probably could sense that KITT was… off.  When KITT first comes on screen, he slams Michael with a wave of insults, and none of them come off as their normal joking around.  However, I don’t necessarily have a problem with that because he has the proper motivation to be very, very upset.  He is sitting on a desk as a heap of loosely connected parts that have just enough power to make the signature red scanner whir and make an oddly terrifying red light eyeball thing (Hal???) move.  The first thing he hears is Devon nonchalantly saying something along the lines of, “I’m afraid he was recycled” to explain why KITT has been deactivated for OVER A DECADE and is not currently in anything that moves (my Charge! stream thing lagged at this point but @trust-doesnt-oxidize​ has since told me that Devon DID appear upset about KITT's being sold, but KITT likely wouldn't have heard that and what Devon said seemed to be moreso directed at HOW the chip was sold and not the fact that it was sold in the first place).  KITT is justifiably mad, and if they had kept KITT’s actions in character while his emotions said otherwise, I would have no problem with it at all.

However, once KITT’s CPU is somehow implanted into Michael’s Chevrolet, KITT does not act in character.  Shawn drives, not Michael, so it stands to reason that he would not necessarily listen to her.  She stole his CPU, his life for over a decade.  KITT does tend to listen to human companions, regardless of whether he is programmed to or not, but I can see where this would be an exception.  However, Michael soon intercedes and essentially tells him to cut it out.  Based on everything that the original Knight Rider told us, KITT no longer has a choice of whether to listen or not.  Michael is ultimately the one who calls the shots because of KITT’s very programming.  And yet, in this scene, KITT doesn’t listen to Michael and apparently gets so angry that he downright stops functioning.  Because that happens all the time in the original series!

And if you’re wondering where I got the conclusion that KITT frustrated his circuits to the point where they could no longer work, he said that.  KITT.  Admitted to having feelings.  In fact, he did not just admit to being angry in the moment.  He told Michael that, while it may seem like he is an emotionless robot, he does have a “feelings chip.”  A FEELINGS CHIP-

I am for recognizing KITT’s obvious emotions as much as the next guy.  I think they are often overlooked when discussing his character.  While I don’t think that real artificial intelligence will ever reach the level of human consciousness, the entire energy of Knight Rider comes from playing with this concept by portraying an AI character who clearly emotes interacting with a human who doesn’t seem to know that.  But the thing that makes this show feel so sincere is that neither character plays too heavily into that trope.  While not always knowing how much KITT feels and by extension hurting those feelings alarmingly often, Michael recognizes it enough to work in concert with KITT, apologize for his more major flubs, and consider KITT a friend.  And KITT subverts the trope by never recognizing that he has feelings to begin with.  He will say that he cannot feel sadness but, in the next breath, say that something upset him.  He will say he cannot hold a grudge only to immediately rattle off a string of insults directed at the person he clearly has a grudge on.  The show is magic in how these two characters display a subtle chemistry that always has room to grow because both characters are slowly coming to see each other for who they truly are and supporting one another along the way.  From what I can tell, the original show never fully concludes that arc, and it may even start regressing after Season 1.  However, we can feasibly see how Michael could slowly come to understand that KITT really does feel things just as much as he does.  And we can imagine the relief KITT would feel knowing that Michael was never bothered by that possibility.

So, you can see where I have a big problem with KITT spelling it out so plainly.  The audience gets full confirmation about what has been displayed to us through nuanced hints throughout the series, which sounds a lot more satisfying than it really ends up being in this film.  But worse than an underwhelming conclusion to a thrilling story, Michael knows it plain as day.  There is very little buildup to KITT admitting this.  He barely even sounds moved.  Instead, in this movie, the “feelings chip” is a fact of life that does not need to be covered up in the slightest.  Michael himself doesn’t really… react.  He just kind of nods along, as if he’s saying, “Huh, makes sense, alright.”  After everything these two have been through, if there really was such a simple explanation for why KITT is the way he is… why arguments went south, why the mere mention of a Chevrolet was enough to get a seemingly jealous response, why inconsequential things like music taste and gambling were subjects of debate, why KITT had always acted so exaggeratedly dismissive when topics of emotional significance struck a chord, why every little sarcastic banter had a hint of happiness until it didn’t… don’t you think Michael would do something?  Whether that something would be a gentle, “I always knew that, pal”; a shocked, “Why didn’tchya tell me sooner?!���; or even a sarcastic, disbelieving, “Yeah, right” is up to interpretation.  But there would be something.

And yet, even that concept is flawed.  We learn a lot from KARR’s inclusion in the original series, and what I take away from it boils down to a simple sentiment.  FLAG never meant for their AIs to be human.  I do realize that directly contradicts what Devon says within this film, but I see that as another way for the film to steer the plot in this direction, not as a tie in to the original.  When Wilton says that one man CAN make a difference, he means that.  He isn’t considering that KITT is just as much a person as Michael.  He’s not seeing that, at the end of the day, teamwork is what makes the show work, even if Michael is the glue that holds it together.  So, I think that to say that there is a “feelings chip” is to disregard the entire point of the original, that in this world life finds a way of inserting itself and that KITT’s (and KARR’s for that matter) humanity is an anomaly, not the rule.  At the end of the day, KITT’s humanity can’t be explained away with science.  And really, I don’t think it should be explained away at all.  The show has had an amazing trend of showing us how KITT feels, in all its unorthodox glory, alongside private moments that had me sobbing like a baby.  The movie should just be like a longer, more complex episode of Knight Rider… Although I cannot pinpoint exactly how it should be done in the context of this film, I know there are ways that Michael could have been shown that KITT feels rather than being told.

One last complaint, albeit a more minor one, is the idea that he has to listen to what Shawn says over Michael's authority.  I have spent a decent amount of time thinking about this one point, which has caused a lot of the delay in posting this.  There's multiple reasons why this flies right in the face of what is canon in the original series.  Perhaps the most obvious of these problems is the fact that, in the original pilot episode, it's made very clear that KITT can't assume control of the Knight 2000 without Michael's express permission unless Michael is unconcious.  Devon makes it quite clear in this episode that KITT is programmed specifically to listen to Michael, not just anyone who happens to be piloting the vehicle at the time.  In case there was any doubt about this, KITT ejects two people who are attempting to steal him later in the episode (well, ok, later in the two-parter, I don't know if it was the same episode or not).  The show isn't SUPER strict about this in future episodes, but it does at least acknowledge Michael's authority in a few pivotal moments throughout Season 1 (I can't comment on episodes that I haven't seen yet, but I suspect that this pattern continues).  Of all the rules set up throughout the series, it actually seems to be the most loyal to this one.  One moment that stands out to me is in Trust Doesn't Rust when KITT attempts to stop Michael from causing a head-on collision with KARR, but Michael then overrides him and the climax unfolds.  If one of the most iconic moments in the series is caused by this one bit of programming, to throw it out in the film is to disrespect the basis of the original series.

Speaking of KARR, he provides yet another reason niglecting this detail is such a big problem.  From what we can tell, KARR isn't programmed to one specific driver (at least, not anymore[?]), and so he can override anyone in the pilot's seat.  This is something they seem to highlight in TDR as well, although not so plainly as the previous point.  KARR ends up ditching Tony to gain speed and get an upper hand in the chase with Michael and KITT (although a scene they deleted would have made this a mUCH MORE SENSIBLE ACTION THAT R E A L L Y ISN'T A BETRAYAL but y'know what this post isn't about that) whereas KITT has to listen to Michael even to his own detriment.  If this one feature is indeed one of the major things that separates KITT from KARR, the idea that Shawn can override all of that cheapens the original conflict between KITT and KARR.

...Well okay, let's be real, KARR was never that compelling as an antagonist to begin with because he's a LOYAL SWEETIEPIE-- I'll stop.

And finally, we have the biggest, most bizarre reason that this is a problem:

If Shawn can override Michael's authority, that means KITT can override Michael's authority.

Why?  This would be the first time (outside of episodes where some sort of reprogramming or mind control was involved) in the series that KITT had not only listened to another human instead of Michael, but also listened to that person OVER Michael.  The only difference I can see between Shawn and quite literally anyone else in the show's history is that Shawn has KITT's chip implant thing.  If that's the reason her opinion has more credence than Michael's, then wouldn't that mean KITT's own opinion has that authority?  If that is the case, literally every example I've gone through in the last couple of paragraphs is not just challenged but rather negated entirely.

The most frustrating thing about this scene is that it simply didn't have to happen.  Michael could have gone along with KITT's plan, showing him (and us) that he does trust his former partner even after all these years.  Shawn could have convinced Michael to go along with it using her... feelings chip.  Blegh.  Or we could have had a stubborn Michael force this scene to be delayed, likely improving the pacing overall.  Maybe we could have even seen a frustrated and emotionally exhausted Shawn wait until Michael is not in the car and then plead KITT to give her the truth, no matter what Michael says.  We have seen KITT control his actions without Michael's input plenty of times, and we could have seen some more of his humanity show through if he could relate to Shawn's struggles... after all, he too has missing memories because she has his chip.  They're both going through a bit of an identity crisis.  I'm sure that he could find some workaround in his programming to help her if Michael wasn't there insisting that he does not take this course of action.

But even after all of that fussing over what has been done wrong with KITT, I can’t deny that he is the heart and soul of this film.  There was only one scene in this film that brought me near tears.  I got more of an emotional impact from this one clip than I have from a lot of movies that are undeniably much better.  Michael’s old-fashioned Chevrolet does not hold up in the year 2000, and it is clear that the usual car chase sequence won’t work as police vehicles quickly creep up on them.  I was personally very curious what they would do here.  I figured that KITT would find some way to outsmart the drivers of the police cars, maybe by ending up on an elevated mountain road that trips up the other drivers and causes them to waste time turning around and hopping on that same path.  Or, maybe, KITT would access a road that’s too narrow for the relatively bulky police cars.  However, it quickly becomes clear that this city is made up of wide roads on the ground.  As KITT veers off the road and tells Michael to trust him, the I found myself having to trust him.  This isn’t the way Knight Rider chases usually go, and with all these odds stacked against him, the only thing we can do is hold our breath.  The way this scene is staged to send us into this just as blind as Michael is, frankly, genius.  Water slowly creeps into the frame as a feeling of dread builds at the thought of what KITT might do.

Surely, we are led to think, he will knock into some boxes and turn right back around.  Right?  We’re reminded of the fact that this is not the Knight 2000, that there is no chance of this car floating.  That if KITT does what he really seems to be doing, there’s no chance… but he wouldn’t, would he?  This is the only action sequence in the film that had me at the edge of my seat, staring wide eyed at the screen.  And then, the turn that you want so badly to come doesn’t, and you have to wonder what’s about to happen.  What was KITT thinking?  Won’t Michael and Shawn drown?  And, most prominently in my mind, won’t KITT drown?

For a moment, this scene plays us into believing that, because magic FLAG science that is pretty par for the course, everything is fine.  KITT explains that they have an airtight cab and over 20 minutes of oxygen.  Everyone lets out a collective breath of relief.  We see it in Michael and Shawn, and I know I felt myself relax.

And then there’s a flicker in the screen, and that pit in the bottom of my stomach came right back.  Michael is confused, and KITT explains what we should have realized was inevitable.  This is KITT sacrificing himself.  He even goes as far as to let Shawn know that she can use any of his computer chips that she may need.  This comes off as strange at first, but it goes to show that KITT is, at his core, the same kind soul we always knew.  He acts angry because he feels betrayed, but given the choice, he will chose another person’s life over his own, always.  Even the microprocessor that he is most frustrated over, the thing that seems to drive a wedge between him and Shawn, is just how he is expressing his hurt.  Now, thinking it is the end, he offers it up freely, and Shawn doesn’t seem to know how to respond.  KITT is calm as he says his final goodbyes.  And this is the first place in the film that we get to hear the amazingly nuanced  voice acting that William Daniels is so great at.  KITT sounds collected and at peace with what is to come, but there are also subtle hints that he is at least a bit nervous, a bit sad.  “I know.  I guess this is goodbye.”  He doesn’t want to leave his friends, but he knows that he has to for them to be safe.  Even if the pacing of the film seems to actively try to undermine this moment, it stands out to me as an amazing scene, even if the reaction from Michael is underwhelming at best and the reaction from Shawn is… as much as can be expected from Shawn, but that’s not saying much.  As far as KITT knows in that moment, these are his last words: “Michael, take care of yourself.”  Down to the last moment, Michael is everything to him.

IjustwannamakeitclearquicklythatIthinktheirrelationshipisentirelyplatonicokthankyou

And I felt sad, big time sad.  The movie up until that point was unbelievably boring to me, and this wasn’t a turning point where the movie suddenly became great.  It was a moment so darn good that I almost don’t think the movie deserved for it to have as big of an impact as it did.  But that shows just how powerful this universe is, how wonderfully honest these characters are.  Even after being butchered practically beyond recognition, one scene in-character can still bring you to tears because you have connected with them so deeply throughout the TV series.

AND THEN DEVON DIED IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS :D

I don’t like Devon.

Devon was actually more tolerable in this movie than normal, and I can see where people who don’t hate him could be sad that he died  I just,,, he has hurt or talked down to KITT and KARR so many times that I actually could not sympathize.  What’s even more frustrating about that is that Devon’s death is the one that Michael got all sad over when KITT sacrificed his life for him and Devon got kidnapped randomly but okay go off movie you can’t ruin that scene for me.  I knew going in that Devon died, but I was expecting them to spend a lot more time setting it up and making it as dramatic as possible.  Nope, he just got a shot to the old air tanks I guess?  My view of it is nothing more than that it’s a thing that happened.

OH AND DEVON DID PULL ONE HEINOUS ACT.  He said that KIFT was better than KITT in every way other than that KITT has humanity.  SINCE WHEN HAS DEVON GIVEN ONE SINGULAR HOOT ABOUT THE AI’S BEING ALIVE???  TELL KARR THAT???  HECK, TELL DEACTIVATED KITT THAT YOU WERE JUST FINE SELLING OFF AT AUCTION THAT?!?!  Also also, KIFT DOES NOT C O M P A R E TO KITT.  We are coming back to KIFT in a moment, don’t you worry.  For now, I just.  Low blow, Devon, low blow.

Michael was fine too, he played a weirdly small part and that felt off but everything he said seemed pretty in character.  The most out of character parts were when he said nothing at all.  OH AND WHERE HE WAS REPLACING BONNIE but that’s besides the point, no Bonnie OR April… no Bonnie OR April… I’m fine…

…

It feels like this movie wants you to forget that Michael exists because Shawn is here she’s more interesting, right?  Right???

She’s really not.

So back to KIFT.  My favorite part of KIFT is that pronouncing KIFT in your head sounds funny.  It’s like “gift” but if the gift were actually an underwhelming villain of sorts that is overtaken in a garage, parked, by Michael either removing his microprocessor entirely or moving it to a Chevrolet.

I was surprised how not bad KIFT looked.  I had seen stills from the movie that looked really uninteresting compared to the regular designs, and while I still agree to some extent, it was a lot more epic than I would have thought.  Something about how the paint shines on it is captivating.  I was genuinely happy when KITT was moved to the snazzy red vehicle, although a big part of that could have been how disgusting mint green looks with red.  Seriously, including the red scanner on that bizarre seafoamy-bluey car (and yes, I do think it is a very pretty car by itself) was like when people say movies were “inspired” but in the opposite direction.  And the scanner looked weirdly small?  Was it just me?

Am I the only one who feels w e i r d just looking at this??

I think this is the most normal thing to be categorized as being in uncanny valley but there we go, I did it.  It’s not right.

Anyway, as neat as KIFT looks, it is no comparison to the classic Knight 2000 or even Season 3 KARR.  Red can be striking, but not when the classic scanner is also red.  No contrast!

KIFT is absurdly easy to forget, and I don’t think that the car’s design has anything to do with it.  KITT spends most of the movie piloting that car, and while it is not what we are used to, it doesn’t come across as super lame to me, either…or at least, not because of the design.  The biggest problem with KIFT is, I think, simply his voice.  His voice feels so out of place in the movie, and it’s so strange to me considering that Daniels’ voice is integrated just fine.  The recording sounds too crisp, too clean.  KITT’s voice always has a great deal of character, a very Earthy-sounding voice for an AI character.  I actually think that this incongruity is purposeful, and it’s a very clever concept.  We are supposed to recognize that KIFT isn’t human like KITT is.  KIFT sounds out of place in the real world among real people; he’s too neat around the edges.  It’s especially obvious when KITT and KIFT talk to each other.  This is also mirrored by how KITT occupies a well-loved Chevrolet that has little imperfections that make it feel real whereas KIFT is in this red… whatever it is that feels like it comes out of a sci-fi film.  This effect would have really worked if we had enough time with KIFT to understand his personality–or, more aptly, his lack of personality.  What makes this not work is the fact that we spend practically no time with KIFT.  We don’t get to hear what he feels he is programmed to do, we don’t get to hear him deliver the sort of lifeless lines that Shawn did that made her so unlikable, and we don’t even get to hear his voice more than 4-5 times.  Every time comes as a shock, taking us out of the moment of the film.  We could have gotten used to his crisp sound if he had spoken more, and we may have seen the actual plot significance of it.  Instead, it pulls you right out of the movie.

Oh yeah, and the only line(s?) that KIFT delivers to KITT are full-on taunting… that’s not very lifeless of you KIFT.

Alright, just one last thing to really hammer home a point from earlier and conclude this whole thing.  You know what I was saying about this movie lacking the whimsical nature of the TV show?  Well, the final chase puts the icing on this oddly sullen crab cake.

Yes, crab cake. 

Because the pinchy crab that is Shawn makes it quite painful to get this particular cake and icing doesn’t even belong on it anyway.

KITT is racing down the street in this bright red car that I just explained is thematically wrong for him to be driving tbh but whatever, he’s racing in it and comes up to a barricade of randomly stacked up cars.

Oh Yeah, we all know what is coming.

The music swells.  Michael looks at the upcoming barricade with furrowed eyebrows and quietly asks KITT what the heck they’re going to do now.

OH YEAH, we definitely know what is coming.

And at last, for the first time in the film…

KITT veers off to the right and they drive on water.  “It’s really sink or swim with you, isn’t it?” Michael asks, pretending that’s funny as if I am not still emotionally raw from that scene that happened an hour ago.

Apparently, KIFT had that one obscure feature from “Return to Cadiz,” the Season 2 episode where April forces KITT to follow KARR into the ocean on the hopes that waterproof wheels might work maybe, directly ignoring his many attempts to get out of it.  Yay.  I love references to That Episode.  That Episode which baited me with an opening that looked like KARR could have been discovered underwater only to show me that not only was there no KARR, but KITT was going to be bullied into repeating what his brother did when he died.  Wholesome.  Lovely.  Fantastic.  And how did KITT know for sure that would work?  KITT clearly still has some technical hiccups in his own CPU from Michael tampering with it, that was an awful lot of confidence to place in a maybe.

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY…

THIS MOVIE DID NOT HAVE A TURBO BOOST

A TURBO BOOST

I cannot believe that a movie based around Knight Rider did not have a turbo boost (or for that matter, the THEMESONG???).  Like I am honestly still surprised by it.  Almost every episode of the original show had at least one turbo boost, and there is a reason.  The idea of a talking car jumping in midair, sometimes with Michael “WOO!”-ing like a girl, is so fantastically fun that nobody even tries to question how impossible it is.  I think we all know how impossible it is, and that doesn’t matter, it is yet another thing that embodies the heart of this show.

And… not even one.

…

So yeah, that just happened.  I think this is technically a small novel.  Wow.

  I know that I'm still missing a lot... I have a lot of thoughts about this movie, and if you for some reason want more please ask!  I would also love to hear your thoughts on this!  Do you agree with my analysis?  Do you disagree entirely?  Did you notice something that I failed to mention entirely?  Pleasepleaseplease send ideas, I would love to hear them!  Also know that, no matter how much I was disappointed by the movie itself, I am fully open to hearing your ideas about how to improve or expand upon it.  I truly believe that this film introduced some great concepts, and I would absolutely adore seeing them reworked in a way that's more true to the original.  Thank you for reading! :D