#I’m just so emotionally unprepared tbh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

icharchivist · 5 years

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Lol, nothing to be ashamed of. Lavi's reaction to his relationships is one of the most fascinating parts about his character. I too wonder what his reaction will be post Noah abduction. Is Lavi the type to get that angry/vengeful for himself or just for someone else? It's possible if it was just him he could bury his feelings better and rationalize it's war and the Noah don't play nice. But Bookman is involved too. If something bad happened to Bookman because of the Noah would Lavi get furious-

2 enough to act irrational (for a bookman)? Afterall losing Bookman would also make Lavi the new Bookman (considering all the secrets he doesn’t know. I think Lavi would feel wholly unprepared for the new title).

we’ll do this by parts because there’s a lot to get through (with love nonny, this is fantastic and now i have a lot of Lavi’s feels thank u) So let’s start there.

But this is a good question and the question i’m wondering as well. And Bookman remains someone important for Lavi, emotionally and in term of rank, in term of what it means for him. The death of Bookman could bring anger, but would that anger be affection based? Would it also be fueled by the crushing duty on his shoulder? The crushing pain they both went through? Would Lavi consider his own pain or only the old man’s? There’s.. so many questions and i guess we just have to wait and see. I trust Lavi’s heart is too talkative for his own good, but it depends how much he decides to dedicate himself to his Bookman part once he has no other choice.

AND I’m gonna put the rest under read more because MAN this is fascinating and it has a lot of asks and Get In For the Lavi Suffering Train my friends!

(if you’re on mobile and the readmore doesn’t work blacklist #long post for ts, or #readmoreundercut to reduce this post, it got very long)

But yeah, there’s no use in comparing one reaction to another in terms of loss. All of them speak to how Lavi views them. From what I’ve observed Lavi hates seeing the volition of his friends violated. He hated how scared Leverrier made her when forcing her to act. He hated Tyki for -

3 trying to kill Allen and taking his future as a exorcist away since he knows how important that is to Allen. He didn’t calm down in both cases until Lenalee made her own choice and Tyki confirmed Allen was alive and coming. He also acts very post close death of someone. W/Lenalee he started to pay more attention to the depth of her feelings and comfort her (before he either kept distant or yelled at her). W/Allen he contemplated his own heart and acted more clingly. Both cases he got more - 4 more protective.

ooh this is a very, very good point! And even if it’s no surprise it really puts to word how that “bookman got no heart” thing is bullshit. If at least the Tyki’s overreaction was due to the grief and loss (which would be understandable as you say further in, not being as convinced of Allen’s survival) the one for Lenalee and Lveille was entierely on how Lveille was emotionally abusing Lenalee- something that is less “obvious” than litterally killing (geez i wonder how “I’m so heartles” Lavi managed to get pissed at an entierely emotionally based conflict) (is making fun of Lavi’s lack of heartlessness getting old yet? Bc I still will use that against him).

And you’re also right that there was a real change of action from Lavi the moment he feared he lost them. He was emotionally and physically more available to either of them- and since the most of it was when Bookman wasnt looking, it’s not really a wonder that Bookman made sure Lavi kept his distances when the destruction of the Order ended. Tbh it makes sense Lavi took his distances storywise when he did

(and it’s only the hiatuses that makes it very agonizing- and i mean it in general because even the pacing of the story had to change when Hoshino went to monthly with the Alma arc and to the current pacing. I remember that she mentioned having wanted to make a 3rd Exorcist centric arc before the Alma Arc but her health was running thin when she went on Monthly so she jumped on the Alma’s arc that was more important for her to tell. That’s why also she found the loophole to get the Thirds to be mindcontrolled by the Earl now and giving Link this side arc focusing on how he’s worried for them in recent arcs. I’m kinda sad we never got to see what that “Third Plotline” would have originally looked like, but i’m kinda curious how she’ll rework it. (tbh I feel like originally there was going to be an arc with more actions of the Third gradually getting the Noah’s interests rather than just their intervention in Paris and unseen missions. An arc to realy set in motion how the Noah came to the conclusions we see them get by the Alma arc. So like, kept the reasoning we got offscreen and keeping the thematic and lore/characters development for a future arc with another plot).Point is, it is possible there were more Lavi’s development planned after the Paris arc that had to be scrapped with the Alma arc was moved forward. (i also think there was a bonus around the Paris’s arc of Lavi mentioning coming back in the plot soon so if i’m not wrong, it strengthen my belief there). Considering also the focus on Lavi and Bookman following the news at that time, it’s possible it wasn’t directly planned to jump into what became of their storylines. Imo i wonder if the political aspect didn’t have to take a major backseat as well. I mean before the Alma arc we were learning about how the Noah (esp Sheryl with his political situation) were manifacturing wars to create the sorrow needed for the Akuma, and we see especially Lavi and Bookman read about it and more seriously mention it. I wonder if that was the set up to something that had to be pushed away considering how Sheryl becomes proheminant in the next arcs not for his political ties (like he was introduced) but for his sadism. THAT SAID it’s also interesting Sheryl’s introduction was directly commented on by LAVI AND BOOKMAN, which imo emphasis even more how much Sheryl was supposed to affect their storylines. It still works with the torture plot though. AND MAN THAT WAS A LONG PARENTETHIS SORRY).

Erg what was i saying- ah yes, Bookman might have seen that Lavi ended up getting closer to the others the few times Bookman hadn’t been paying attention, and with the threat of the innocence taking Lavi away (which would be fun, losing one apprentice to the Noah and the second to the Innocence…), forcing Lavi to recenter on Politics and keep his distances from the others made sense. Until the Alma arc happened and then it was just bad luck. Point is, Lavi’s emotional balance changed once Bookman wasn’t there to monitor him and i think Bookman is painfully aware of that. I think it’s not even innocent Bookman sent Lavi on Bookman’s duty to record Cross and Allen’s conversation about the 14th. Forcing Lavi into his duty in regard of what was happening to Allen, forcing him to face what caused him emotions and get back to being heartless. Doubt it really worked though but i can see a reasoning there in trying to remind Lavi of his duty.

I think Lavi would get pretty angry on Kanda’s behalf. But I wonder if it’d be on the same level of the other examples? They get along better then most but we haven’t seen them that emotionally availiable to the other. Ex, like Kanda was w/Alma, Lenalee, Marie and Teidoll and now w/Johnny and Allen. when I focus more on Allen (blame Lavi not being present for any of the Kanda plot). We’ll see whenever they reunite.

It’s a good question tbh. I wonder if the “oh no i’m caring too much” trigger isn’t set on “almost dying companions” and thus Lavi wouldn’t have reacted as much for Kanda (?). I wonder if he would just have gone back too what his mindset was before going to the Order according to his Road’s memories: “Humanity just sucks.” (heavily paraphrazing but he says something similar bc he saw too many wars. Which hell, he is at his 49TH NAME FOR A 49TH RECORDED WAR AT 18, i’m terrified to do the math (bc also i’m terrified of math) but that’s enough to make you lose faith in humanity). I wonder if Lavi wouldn’t have been “Disgusted but Not Surprised”.

But I like to believe he couldn’t help but be angry still. I want to believe in Lavi’s heart there. Of how much the Order first opened his mind and is now a source of suffering. Perhaps that’s also why he had to be kept away from that plotline. Bc he would have been unpredictable.

I think I like to focus on Allen’s impact on Lavi the most -

5 because the series does (it is Allen’s story).

(lmao mood and you play on my bias there and u know it)

Lavi got attached before Allen but the novel w/Dug reveals he was still detached enough to move on (and Dug was probably his closest genuine friend at the time). It wasn’t until Lavi saw an Akuma’s soul and Allen talking Krory out of suicide that something changed in Lavi. How the heck can a kid live in hell and still be so good? Lavi probably thought he had already seen hell in countless wars but one Aluma soul made him sick like nothing before - 6 did.

This is a VERY GOOD POINT and tbh same I do think the “seeing the Akuma’s soul” was the catalyst for Lavi. Also I think it was mentioned then that “allowing others to see Akuma’s soul” only happened that one time, so between Lavi, Krory and Allen. For Allen it was his “all the time” thing, for Krory it was his very first time even comprehending what Akuma were like, ways to be scared for life.

But for Lavi it also suddenly put emotional weight on what was happening, especially when his introductions is all a bit… teasing about how Allen was relaying on said eye. The whole “can’t trust anyone” speech he tells Allen. Which is even more telling that he JUST CAME BACK from the Dug’s mission when this whole arc happened. Meaning Lavi could have been really bitter about it and become extremely cynical.

For Lavi who distances himself emotionally from people to start with, who doesn’t even trust humanity all that much, “weapons made from people who cared to the point of being carried away” would probably just emphasis more on how much he’s not supposed to care. Adding fuel on why he is to be heartless, that he cannot trust anyone. And for Allen, who’s so young, so reliant on his eye, “not knowing the horrors of eventually losing someone to an Akuma” (I doubt Lavi knew of the Mana incident back then- if he did know Allen turned Mana into an akuma due to records though I think he might have been cynical bc he just lost someone over “that stupid move” too- would take time to sink in that those feelings even happened), it would just be someone who “got it easy”. While Lavi learnt the hard way what losing a close one to an Akuma would be like (also ding ding ding we got another parallelism between Lavi and Allen I’ve never noticed before of the two of them knowing someone who got turned into an Akuma this is a bingo). (And now that i’m thinking about it funny how Allen/Lavi/Krory all had a closed one that became an Akuma and they were the one tied in that arc: they’re the three who knows what an Akuma’s looks like).

The Eliade incident was Lavi’s wakeup call that Allen wasn’t carefree, he wasn’t having it easy- he was seeing horrors and stood it with a smile, a smile as fake as Lavi’s, fellow fake smile liar. Also it may have also put into perspective how much of a hard time Allen suddenly had when he lost his eye. I also wouldn’t leave it past Lavi to have realized all the sudden that this “soul” was An Actual Person more than a poor decision. To be able to see and conceptualize the mutilated soul must have suddenly put the Dug’s situation into perspective. And if i’m not wrong- it’s that Dug called for Colette’s soul who died right? A Little girl. Seeing Eliade’s soul must have suddenly clicked in Lavi’s head of “Holy hell this is what happened to Colette”. It wasn’t a vague “ye ye tragedy creating weapon yada yada” this was knowing that inside the mutilated body of his friend, there was the mutilated soul of a little girl who didn’t ask for it. I think that definitly added to a sudden punch for Lavi because he could associate Eliade’s situation to Dug/Colette. And while this was an horrifying sight the most horrifying was to realize that Allen was used to it and this was the sort of things that haunted him and that he still carrid it on to the point of feeling SAFETY into seeing those souls. Perhaps that helped a lot understanding Allen’s compassion for the Akuma.

And exactly like you mention: All this perspective had him more curious toward Allen. Tbh the fact he was even recluent in going to save Allen when the Krory arc started and that the following arc he was in full breakdown at the thought of Allen dying shows how much this incident only had him care for Allen beyond what he expected. It wasn’t just like Dug anymore. And I truly, truly believe it’s linked to how suddenly Lavi had to face Allen’s demons and wonder how he even keeps up a smile and still give himself up for those horrors.

(I hadn’t read the manga in forever and now i want to again dear kdhkjdf)

Another was inside Roads dreamworld when Lavi was fighting deranged versions of his friends. This was always a peculiar scene to me I haven’t fully decided what it means. All of the Order/companions are attacking Lavi. Except Allen who looks totally normal and unlike the other versions, doesn’t judge Lavi. He instead comments on what Lavi has attached to and gets killed for it. Not by Lavi. But by Bookman jr. Maybe BJr knew Allen was the one person Lavi couldn’t rationalize hurting even-7 if he knew this Allen was fake? Either way it was seeing Allen’s death that broke Lavi mentally enough to get hurt and fall under Road’s control. Maybe it’s mean’t to convey Allen is put on a pedestal. Allen has seen hell but never became a part of it like Lavi’s seen so many others have (even Lenalee only cares about HER people. Nothing against her. It’s totally understandable. But Allen is different for caring about everyone). That’s why Allen would never become a ‘monster’ in Lavi’s mind? -

8 But that’s a theory.

Ooh the scene that spilled a lot of ink (ahah geddit, “are we just ink on paper for you” and the ink of the Ace of spade spilling…. Look i need to do Bookmen jokes to cope)

But yes this scene was very good and I do think it’s true. The problem though is that since it’s Road’s illusion there’s a lot to wonder about how much was Road’s (correct) assuptions about Lavi, and the fact she herself has a soft spot for Allen.

I think it’s possible Road went with Lavi getting to face everyone’s corpses accusing him for “not having feelings” to break him, and realized it didn’t work. Lavi managed to see through the illusion (if only because say, Lenalee wouldn’t have said the horrible things Fake!Lenalee says in his mind). But Road knows Allen. Road knows how sweet and gentle he can be.

And somewhat she dig enough in Lavi’s brain to… not only know, but she found out the ACE OF SPADE and that goddamn Ace… MAN. LIKE. How important was that thing for Road to manage to tear it out from Lavi’s mind on the same level as him meeing Lenalee or the dude of the Order for the first time? From all the things Road could have picked up upon, it was that Card. That Card that represented how much affection Lavi had for Allen. That Card he linked to the grief of losing Allen (which also, doesn’t it mean Loss in divination reading? also due to the fact it looks like a heart upside down, pierced?). That Card that he kept as a memory of Allen, that he had to hold on to (litterally in the same frame as Anita & Lenalee talks about Cross and Lenalee asks “Do you believe he’s still alive?” (talking about Cross there) and Anita’s answer is set ON LAVI’S WATCHING THAT DAMN CARD thinking about ALLEN while she says “Yes. This is the only thing that’s giving me strength”. The very scene that has to force Lavi toremind himself he has no need for a heart. Also known as the scene that murdered me.).

And Road? Finds out how important that card is for Lavi, and realizes that Lavi “heartless” Bookman let himself cling into that one emotional piece, that ONE THING that kept him emotional. And what does she do? Realize that it means Allen is one of the only emotional things Lavi can materialize. And therefore, she shows Allen, gentle, sweet, kind, taking up the card, thanking Lavi for holding on to it. Lavi knew he was surrounded by illusions but he was frozen upon seeing Allen thanking him. If Allen immediatly attacked him like Fake!Lenalee did, how would Lavi have reacted? Who knows. Because Road went right to the emotions Lavi left vulnerable. The one thing Lavi had looked up to questioning about his Bookman duty and had his Bookman self murder Allen. And when the card fell down, all its ink disappeared, spilled. I think even “Bookman JR” says “what are you so distressed about, it’s only ink on paper?”. Turning how this card emotioanlly impacted Lavi into ink furthered Lavi’s duties due to how material it was.

I think you’re entierely right on “Bookman JR* knew Allen was the one person Lavi couldn’t rationalize hurting even if he knew Allen was fake”. (* albeit it is also Road digging into his own heart doing so - it is blurry whenever we can just pin it on Road or if his Bookman’s internal self also know and realize Allen is a weakness for himself). I think it might also be linked to how much of an emotional journey Allen had put him through so far and suddenly it was too much, and Road took the approach of a gentle Allen, a REALISTIC Allen, and it took Lavi completely off guard. It suddenly made it all more painful.

I do think perhaps he considers Allen differently, if only because he saw them far latter and had to come with a lot of different realizations about Allen- especially by seeing under his mask. Lenalee was always sincere about how she felt- he saw her crying on her fallen companions when they first met. Allen fakely smiled, Lavi took him for granted, and had his entiere view on him shifted by the Eliade incident only to then lose him. If Lenalee showed the good of caring for your own people, Allen was confusing, was the opposite of “All humanity sucks” Pre-Order Lavi.

bc i also think that counts: yes Lenalee cares only about her people, like you say- but Allen went off record to cut himself out from everyone while trying to save everyone: humans and akuma alike. I think that plays too. Lenalee keeps a few people close and she loves them openly. Allen fakes being close to everyone while he actually doesn’t let anyone in, carries all the burden for himself, and fight for absolutly everyone, friends or foes. And not by naivety, like Lavi first assumed, but by knowing too much. And ain’t “knowing too much” exactly what the Bookmen are for? “Knowing too much” is the reason Lavi cannot bring himself to get emotionally attached, and even managed to distach himself before the Order. Yet “Knowing too much” is the reason Allen cares so much despite consequences, despite what comes with it, despite seeing its horrors even more. “Knowing too much” had Lavi look down on humanity. “Knowing too much” had Allen focused on saving it. If only because of how much Lavi can relate to that, and how it links back to the sudden knowledge of what the eye bring, the vulnerability it created is fascinating.

(hell the whole torture does end with this: (translated from french bc it’s easier to grab my volume than look the chapter online sorry about that):Bookman self: Why are you so different from the 48 me before you? why does 49th suffer this much? Do you not want to be a Bookman anymore, “Lavi”? You prefer fighting for passing friendships? You know very well there’s no hope left to have in humankind. It only knows how to create conflicts. You know it well! So forget your self consiousness and remind yourself that “I”, I have responsabilities as Bookman.Lavi: Easy to say. Try to understand “me”. I lost faith in humanity. I wondered “Until when is it going to tear itself apart?” I was convinced that as a Bookman, I was belonging to a whole other species, what bullshit… But… could you light it up for me? In which purpose….. do Bookmen exist? Why the wars don’t end in the world of humankind?Bookman self: Why do you ask “me”? I don’t know!Lavi: I am you, right? There was 48 before. And with me, “Lavi” it makes 49…. 49 for one single person: “me”. And you still don’t have an answer? So if someone has to know….Unclear (probably both as it’s when “Lavi” disappears): The first one who started to change was You. The one who wanted to get out from this dead end. Who looked for answers.

Those are the questions that arose from Road’s fight. This is the questions that arose from fighting the people he loved, from facing Allen, from facing guilt. I am still fascinated by this monologue to this day because i’m not entierely sure what it means except that Lavi is taking a different approach at being a Bookman, and trying to figure out what it means to be one outside from just coldly recording as a neutral party. He went from “Knowing too much is why I don’t care for them” to “but I have a responsability by Knowing too much to make sense of it”. And that’s something that, to me, seems influenced by Allen. If only because Allen was the catalyst of every step through that nightmare: From what Broke him to what Called Him Back. Of what Broke him by “sticking to the cold Bookman nature” self, and what Called Him Back due to “Acknowledging Emotions” (the Caring Call (erg this section was added after i explained further down what the Caring Call is, details further down), but also Road’s - as he directly then tells Allen when he awakes “dO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH THIS GIRL CARES ABOUT YOU”. Lavi’s key to salvation was to acknowledge Feelings. Of using this Knowledge he had to emotionally reccord to know how to emotionally get out. It isn’t for nothing Mister Heartless’s battle was a battle in his own heart this whole time.)

I do think there might be something for the torture of seeing everyone you don’t want to admit you care about hate you, and having the one person you know would care no matter what die in front of you because of the heartless facade you want to believe yourself to be, would break Lavi. Allen himself doesn’t hurt Lavi, Lavi still “gets stabbed” by everyone else fake!self. (albeit we know that Lavi still managed to stab himself first but u know what i mean). Somewhat it was more painful to be the cause of Allen’s downfall than Allen hating him. And this close from thinking Allen died? No wonder it hurt this much.

For Road to pinpoint it… honestly i could have easily said “it’s Road’s own feelings shinning through as well” since she does have a soft spot for Allen (and did hide in Allen) if it wasn’t for the Card and how it was presented beforehand.

… and i’m just realizing, Road hid in Allen probably expecting that Lavi would not be able to actually stab Allen without good reasons. And hell, Lavi didn’t do it until Allen called for him on the other side, what i called Caring Calls earlier (recent chapters say that “just like Akuma the loved ones’s call can be strong enough to bring back your soul from where it wanders”, imo it didn’t man that “Allen is completely like an Akuma” (more layered than that) but directly said that Johnny’s love was enough to get through Allen right? Then there’s no reason not to assume that “Lavi can you hear my voice?” didn’t manage to get through Lavi still. And it would be extremely ironic that the two who had loved ones become Akuma would manage to use the very power used to make Akuma, ie the caring calls, to fight back the Noah, using how they weaponized emotions against them by weaponizing it back. Especially the two who fake their emotions the most.). I think Allen’s voice managed to ground Lavi’s back in reality enough to be able to stab Road and see clarity in her mind game. But the only facts she pulled it that way says a lot about the assumptions she took away from it, and even more so when she was mostly right until Lavi gained clarity of mind.

Lol it’s actually a good thing Lavi’s not around to hear Allen’s backstory. Kanda’s a good first time listener for Allen because I doubt he’ll overreact in a way to make Allen regret it. If Lavi ever learned about how mistreated and abused Allen was I don’t think he could contain his anger (you’d almost pity Cosimo if he’s still around and Lavi ran into him knowing him as Allen’s past abuser).

Honestly mood. I think Kanda would at least.. work better to catalyze what’s happening. From his own tragic past to how much he knows he can rely on Allen on that matter, I think he’s more likely to have a balanced enough reaction that we can get Allen to tell his full story without being interrupted. I think everyone else would get too emotional to let him finish ahah. But that’s to wonder how much Lavi would react to past hurt… Again, or does he only care when they nearly died. I don’t know if Lavi would get very stormy-pissed off but if Cosimo was still alive and Lavi met him knewing what happened I’d see him pulling Chaotic “pranks” at him in a very bad way? like. Restless. And Mean. But who knows really… tbh now that I think about it considering how he behaved to Lveille.. I think he would only become coldly cruel if Cosimo appeared in front of Allen and Allen showed discomfort. There, all hell would break loose.

But yeah I could go on about Lavi. He’s a complex guy.

considering this is the length of this answer thus far, I think we found each other nonny and you dug right into my heart. Needs two to cry over one fake heartless boy.

Sometimes I wonder if Lavi even believed Bookman when he said Allen was alive? We know Lenalee eventually did when she stated her belief during the Eshi fight. Lavi however was so furious when he wanted to fight Tyki that he didn’t calm down until Tyki said Allen was alive. Lavi acted shocked to hear that and still seemed surprised when Allen actually showed up. Compare his reaction to Lenalee who was angry at Tyki but not that revenge driven because she believed in her heart already Allen was-

2 alive and would rejoin them. She chose to have a lot of faith in order to keep her going (that says a lot about her strength of character, personal opinion) while Lavi stayed focused on his loss of Allen. It’s interesting how Lavi’s relationship with death itself plays so much into how he functions even inside his own mind. It might be why Lavi shows a fear that Allen will die because he’s too good to last in the world (the whole like the light scene). Darkness is permanent. Light isn’t.

First “Darkness is permanent. Light isn’t” is a freaking raw line, and it fits Lavi’s mindset so much, especially how much he had lost faith in humanity and the moment Allen lightened up (as you say, “you are light, i’m afraid you will disappear in the light”(paraphrazing bc i dont’ have the word for word englih vers and the french vers is more confusing). also this is so interesting that for Lavi there is darkness but for the Light, it’s the fear the Light might take Allen away. esp since he specifically mentions how “the crowned Clown”, that masked innocence is the one taking him away. The Light that is taking Allen away is the Innocence. And he compares the Masked innocence to Allen right after Allen try to smile to lift up people’s spirit: another smile Lavi sees right through as a fake smile, fearing Allen is losing himself in his own light, behind his mask: that while it’s a mask, it remains a light that can disappear. Lavi sees the destruction possibility from Light as well, had lost Allen to the darkness (and we, the audience, saw Allen being dragged away in Nea’s darkness at this point when he almost died) only now to be swallowed whole by the Light. Poetry.)

Also I completely agree on the Lenalee’s reading. I also really believe Anita’s sentence matters there, the one she tells Lenalee (and that is supperposed on Lavi) of believing Cross is alive “because it’s the only thing that’s giving me strength”. The dialogue seems to be echoing Lenalee and Lavi’s need to hold on to the thought of Allen being alive to give them strength.

The Asian Branch was the one to tell them Allen was alive but unable to use his innocence though so, as far as we know, Lavi had nor eason to really doubt Allen was alive. But I do think he was distressed by the amount of emotions it provocked him. Bookman beat him up for caring too much after he got cruel with Lenalee’s grief. Tbh I think Lavi was externalizing his own frustration on her, almost talking to himself. “Get yourself together, people die in wars, you should be expecting it”- all those horrible things he tells Lenalee while she’s crying for Allen, after Lavi ends up breaking a glass out of frustration- the fact Bookman then tells him that he shouldn’t be caring so much makes me think he was talking to himself but didn’t want to admit it. He felt the same distress as Lenalee but where Lenalee knew to externalize her feelings, to acknowledge them, Lavi was distressed to even have them, and instead of facing them, he took it against her. Perhaps there was something “unfair” that she could feel grief while “he couldn’t,” and by shutting her grief down, he would do himself the service to shut his grief down. Obviously a dick move. But also a personal one.

I really do think it’s a lot about Lavi not wanting to process the grief. Being unable to process it, and rejecting it completely. He didn’t go to the multiple stages of griefs, he didn’t have to be in denial, he didn’t have to barging: He went straight to anger and didn’t know how to get out of it. Allen being alive meant he didn’t have to go through all those steps but as a result he instead got overprotective. I think there’s this though too is that when Lenalee almost died, Lavi jumped to Denial first and expressed it with Anger. Lavi didn’t let the possibility of Lenalee being dead sink in, even if he was terrorized by it.But for Allen, Timcanpy showed them as much shootage as he could, and for the trip from the Ace of Spade to the Boat, Lavi and Lenalee had no reason to even hold on hope. I believe too that the fact Lavi managed to hold on Hope for Lenalee was both that 1) Allen’s case showed the Denial was a possibility, 2) that he still hadn’t recovered from the recent grief that he wasn’t ready to go through anothr one.

Likewise it’s not just Allen’s life that almost got lost: it was his innocence. And Lavi knows how important Allen’s duty is for him. We as the audience get to hear Allen says that he’d rather be dead than not being able to fight in the war, to save poeple. Lavi knows Allen cares about saving humanity and akuma, and for that , he needs the innocence. And he knows Allen gives himself up selflessly entierely for that. If Timcanpy’s recording showed everything, they also saw that Allen died because he tried to bring salvation to Suman, even when Suman was considered a traitor to the Order. And Unlike Lenalee, Allen didn’t know Suman personally. Allen just did it out of his own heart, of what he wanted to save.

The loss of Allen was a loss of what was good in humanity. Of this Light that was going to fade away. And the fact is that up until Allen arrives, no one knew his Innocence would still work. Tyki took away Allen’s life purpose. Tyki took away what Allen used to save people, selflessly. Tyki took away Allen’s light, the salvation that Allen was offering others, what Allen cared above anything else.

That adding to how little he processed the grief and how cruel Tyki had been, Lavi’s outbrust is more than justified for me. And even better for me to believe he knew Allen was alive but thought about how much he had lost. Because suddenly not even Allen being alive, not even how much he had to remind himself he had no heart: Lavi couldnt help let his fury take him over seeing Tyki. No amount of reasoning with himself, no possibility to blame anyone else but the person in front of him. And that’s RAW.

(also if we go Lavi = Heart theory (which we all know i’m a sucker for) it’s also amazing that both Allen and Lenalee’s innocences evolved. First, both innocence shielded them from Death, Allen’s innocence litterally repairing his devoured heart. (his!! heart!!) : bth while Lavi was freaking out about their death and couldn’t let it sink in. Lenalee’s innocence then remained non-offensive the entiere time (finally answering her wishes to not be a weapon in the war after she almost died in it), the only time she begs for her innocence back is when Lavi is not conscious to hear her, and the innocence accepts her again after she begs for it in the infirmary in front of Lavi (with a lot of Focus on Lavi i might add). For Allen, his innocence evolved when Tyki sent the Akuma to kill him when he saw Lavi’s distress. Lavi’s emotions were all over the place and suddenly he had reasons to fear for Allen’s life again and that’s when the innocence shielded Allen with light. Also note that during that fight against Tyki Lenalee’s innocence shield her in a crystal again when Lavi lose sight of her and panics. Also fair to notice that Allen’s innocence evolved into an innocence “harmless for humans” right when Lavi’s mind was being broken and a fight between the two of them was unavoidable. Allen’s innocence evolved in a way that could protect Lavi right before Lavi needed it. But again it’s Heart theory stuff and y’all know what a sucker i am for it).

ALTHOUGH I do believe that even if Lavi believed Allen was alive, it was a harder belief to hold on to. That he believed in it “only to give himself strength” and seeing Tyki had his strength waver. While Lenalee held on it tightly, put all her faith in it (ironical for a character characterized by her lack of faith in her innocence, yet her full faith into people, her need to have faith that they will be okay (i do think she mentions something like that about Komui too, of having to hold on faith it will be alright.): an interesting tidbits about Lenalee imo), Lavi tried so hard to rationalize all of that that he might have “believed” in the background without holding this thought too hard because doing so would be caring too much, would be reopening thewounds that hadn’t healed and refused to. No need to believe if you don’t acknowledge it right? You can interpret the shape of a cloud any way you want, there is no shape to believe in if you keep your eyes closed. Until you’re forced to snap your eyes back opened and face it ithout being able to have the time to rationalize it.

Does that make sense? I hope it does.

But yes, I agree, I do think that coming this close from almost losing him had Lavi scared to process the grief again. And scared to lose him to the light like they lost him to the darkness, one extreme to the other.

DGM: Crud. All this Lavi talk and his feelings over loss makes me realize he hasn’t seen or experienced Allen’s Noah awakening at all. What if Lavi’s going to be a observer and he’s helpless watching Allen deteriorate in front of him. How’s he going to talk to Neah? How’s he going to feel about Kanda carrying the burden of killing Allen before Neah takes over for good? Apocryphos chasing after Allen to merge w/him and hurting their friends along the way? There’s a lot of bad waiting for Lavi!

I almost answered this one on its own but i think it ties in perfectly: Isn’t Allen’s current storyline of being torn between the darkness (Noah/Nea) and the Light (Innocence/Apocryphos)? This would be Lavi’s fear come to realization again to see it. To see Allen being swallowed by either, to see him struggle against either side.

Lavi did hear of at least the whole thing Cross told Allen about Nea/Mana and Allen’s determination of “I am not the 14th, I am Allen, and screw him, i will fight for myself”. Lavi was the only witness of this convo with Cross and the Crows. (which also makes me realize how much Lavi DOES know about Allen at this point bc that was a very particularly vulnerable moment in which Allen completely broke down in front of Cross. His mask fell down by facing his past.)

so if anything, Lavi knows Allen will fight no matter what, he knows of Allen’s determination: But he hadn’t seen how much it had been tested so far. Currently Allen is being tested to some extreme with how much both sides are tearing on him. A lot of set up Lavi is aware about and worried about, but hadn’t been able to experience yet. And with Lavi’s current bad experience with the Noah (with Fiidora drawing his heart broken i’m going to sUE-) I doubt those feelings would be easy to sort out.

It’s funny how Lavi is forced to be neutral by watching both sides and yet being emotionally involved in the exorcists and physically involved with the Noah, while Allen is forced being Neutral by being rejected from where he wants to be and dragged where he doesn’t want to. I wonder how much facing that would feel like.

OKAY THAT’S ALL FOR THE LAVI’S ASKS I THINK. I think we might have overlooked a few things but that’s a Lot to dig in and… lavi makes me weak.

Also pour one fam’ that’s litterally a fic update at this point.

I just hope it sort of makes sense wow.

TAKE CARE AND THANKS FOR THE LAVI FEELS OF THE DAY!

(Jumping on the next one in a minute, it will probably be shorter. hopefully)ligdorm

#ichafantalks dgm #wassup this answer is litterally 6k words long #pour a drink for the lavi lovers out there this post is for u #ichameta dgm #anonymous #ichareply #long post for ts #readmoreundercut #dgm meta

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y-not-loki · 6 years

Note

Ciao~ This is for the ship request? Um... I'm kinda shy (I've actually rewrote this ask 5 times already cuz I'm nervous) but at the same I can be very brash. I can get easily emotionally attached. I can be VERY mean (I have made 3 people cry without resorting to anything physical) I am VERY loyal(I feel like it borderlines obsession(?)) My hogwarts house is Slytherin. My favourite color is blue(any shades of blue) and green. I'm a good liar, I can also draw and crochet.

HEWWO SMOL FREN!

Anyway, I ship you with… Natasha Romanoff.

Shy? No problem, Nat doesn’t care at all. Sure, maybe she’s a little bit cold, and more than a little heartless, but she doesn’t mind your company in the way that one doesn’t mind a bird. It always starts out that way, don’t worry. You had pretty much developed a liking to her (although you weren’t sure what sort of a liking) when you had first met her, she just seemed so cool. You couldn’t help it. YOu can be brash alright. Sometimes you accidentally show too much affection to her, and you don’t know what the control z to life is, so you just suck it up and deal with whatever punishment or whatever she’s going to do, but you were completely unprepared for her to snake her arm around your waist and pull you closer. Turns out Russian assassins need hugs.

Nat doesn’t mind your meanness. In fact, she likes to see it in action. She thinks it’s a superpower tbh. Neither of you two know how exactly you manage to say the right (or wrong) things that make someone tick or hurt. You just can and it’s fascinating. Really, it’s only you two who truly understand the power of words out of everyone on the team, sure Tony has some idea because he’s a relatively public speaker, but Nat and you seem to know the most (Clint is quickly catching up, much to your fear because you honestly didn’t want to lose your friendship, if that’s what the relationship could be called, to Clint, even if Nat and him were close).

Nat doesn’t really tie her loyalties to one person, but Clint and you seemed to have been tangled up all over in her web of loyalty, and Steve had been caught as well, but not as badly as Clint and you. And of course, being the loyal bean you are, you would follow her anyway, through the depths of hell maybe, but you knew that you would never give up on the woman who wanted to wipe the red from her ledger.

OKAY, WHILE IT’S REALLY DANGEROUS TO HAVE TWO SLYTHERINS TOGETHER, AS THE RESULT CAN BE JUST AS EXPLOSIVE AS A SLYTHERN/GRYFFINDOR PAIRING, IT CAN ALSO BE SO HECKING GOOD, BECAUSE YOU’RE BOTH AMBITIOUS, YOU’RE BOTH WILLING TO DO ANYTHING, YOU’RE BOTH SLY AND CUNNING, AND YOU BOTH WILL HAVE THE BEST IDEAS/PLANS WHEN PUTTING YOUR HEADS TOGETHER, AND YOU CAN’T CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE THAT YOU TWO WOULD BE THE SCARIEST PEOPLE ALIVE IF YOU CAME TOGETHER.

Also, blue and green? Perfect to balance out her red. She’s fiery and explosive, and really hecking dangerous, and whilst you’re also dangerous, you’re smooth, calm, and calculating kind of dangerous. Yes, she’s also calculating, but she’s better at deciding on the run and figuring things out as she goes, whereas you’re better with the planning half. Again; you two are terrifying when working together. And good liar? Hecking heck yeah. I’m actually physically starting to be terrified of the idea of you and Nat getting together and taking over the world. And Nat would also want you to teach her how to draw and crochet, and even if she says it’s only ‘trivial’ and a ‘worthless talent’ she really admires your ability to do so and is actually rather envious of what you can do.

#ask #answered #thatweirdwalangpake

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ganymedesclock · 7 years

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Your meta is singlehandedly responsible for all my opinions and characterization of Shiro tbh and I kinda just realized something. Tell me if I'm wrong but I get the feeling what you're trying to say about after-s2 Shiro is just: This is Shiro, except now all his stressors are Worse.

I mean, Shiro’s not the same person he was in the first two seasons just as much as none of the other paladins are the same person they were in the first two seasons, but, I definitely think Shiro since then has built on what was established as his essential character that’s growing and changing.

Part of it is he’s under a lot more pressure. Part of it is, when Shiro first came to the position in s1 he basically took all of his trauma and survivalism and tried to stuff it back into the mold of the Garrison’s Golden Boy. And ironically, I think it’s s1 Shiro who’s a lot more callous- look through the early episodes and see how many times Shiro interrupts, corrects, shoves or silences Lance in particular.

He’s determined to make a good impression early on, and, frankly, Shiro’s first impression of Lance is not favorable- he seems to regard him as just fooling around when the paladins need to be serious, they need to commit to this.

He’s also the one to chew out Keith for demanding Pidge can’t leave and was about to make, frankly, a very bad decision by letting Pidge wander off alone into the universe without even questioning how even a very resourceful and clever fifteen year old intends to survive in a hostile spacefaring empire they know almost nothing about. And it’s pretty clear, I think, rather than fair judgment, Shiro’s letting his personal sense of guilt, believing he failed the Holts, rule in this context.

Yes, people shouldn’t be shackled to paladin duty, but given Pidge’s custom jet booster had a good chance of making the pod explode (and by good, seemingly as high as 50% since it was used twice and the second time it detonated) on top of everything else, it’s clear if she’d gone off alone the way she meant to, she would have died.

Shiro in s1 is trying to be a perfect leader for everyone and frankly, who he’s become since then is better. It stands that he’s come a long way that Hunk, Lance, and Shiro himself all agree it’s unlike him to snap at people and bark orders.

At a glance, Shiro might seem as if he’s doing worse, but to me, I think it’s an incredibly heartening sign that Shiro’s character development appears to be an exercise in learning to ask for help.

Because while Shiro’s not a tyrant of a leader the way Zarkon leaned alarmingly close to in s3e7 on multiple occasions- it stands that Shiro, too, especially early on, suffered from that disconnect. He kept his own problems incredibly close to his chest. It’s obvious that he desperately latched onto being Black Paladin as a way to cope- as a way to redefine himself by something other than what had just happened to him.

Shiro in s1 is a tight-coiled spring. He’s uptight, he argues with Lance over the littlest things, in s1e1 on two separate occasions he breaks up arguments just by yelling for them to stop or “Stow it, cadets!”

Shiro’s growth as a character involves climbing off the pedestal he was sitting on at the beginning of the show. And he’s not the only one who was enforcing it, either- Lance flat-out says Shiro was his personal hero.

In the comics, Pidge can’t conceive the idea of defeating Shiro at all even though he’s really not that much a better fighter than the other paladins- before she gets her head in gear and is able to knock him out, she just reflexively looks to him as an invincible paragon which is a pretty big cognitive slip in an issue all about Pidge’s ability to gather and keep data.

In s3e1, none of the team can really see themselves conceptualizing Shiro and a lot of their overtures seem to suggest, more than none of them are suited to the Black Lion like Shiro is (fair!) that... not a lot of them really understand what Shiro was doing. Even Keith, the closest to Shiro, leads as a Red Paladin. He says he can’t do this like Shiro can but he never seems to clarify what that entails.

What I personally think began in earnest in s3, though there were small things building towards it all along, is the systematic demystification of Shiro as the perfect leader, as the team’s paragon.

There’s kind of a point that, as Zarkon’s specific counterpart, enemy, and successor, Shiro is going to be called upon to succeed where Zarkon failed.

And Zarkon’s failure, what led to his death and downfall as a paladin, was twofold: he failed to listen to his team when they had valid points, and he kept all of his personal suffering privately away from them.

Zarkon gambles everything to rescue Honerva in s3e7, and it goes disastrously because he lies to his team the entire way leaving them completely unprepared- so when he ends up outside of his Lion and faced with a devastatingly powerful opponent, he’s surrounded and killed while the rest of the team is not in a position to do anything to help him.

Shiro in s1e11 leads the team in an equally desperate gamble to rescue Allura, and it works out. It works out because Shiro has the team’s consent beforehand, and even people who disagree (Keith) still consent to go. So when Shiro ends up outside his Lion and faced with a devastatingly powerful opponent on two fronts, it’s not his personal skill as a fighter that keeps him alive.

It’s Keith going toe to toe with Zarkon to buy Shiro time to get back to the Black Lion.

It’s Lance, Pidge, and Coran holding off the majority of the empire’s forces.

It’s Hunk smashing in to break Allura out, and it’s her and him together that come to save Shiro’s bacon from Haggar who had already seriously injured him and could easily have killed him in that moment.

It’s pretty obvious that Shiro being honest and transparent with his team is what’s keeping him from getting killed. They’re his saving grace, time and time again, Keith especially- which is a big deal, when Keith is Alfor’s successor, and while Zarkon broke with the entire team, it was his refusal to listen to Alfor that was the nail in his coffin.

And in s5e3 and s5e6, what’s steadily moving into position to save his bacon from Kuron? It’s not just Lance being the team’s interpersonal Heart as usual- but rather, that Shiro is finally, decisively, opening up and connecting to the person he’s been at odds with from the start.

And while a lot of people take that as a “boo hoo, poor Lance”... it’s really more to Shiro’s detriment than Lance’s. After Shiro and Lance argue, Lance is the one who has multiple people verbally taking his side (Hunk, twice, and Allura personally talking to him about it with her concerns, and Shiro himself apologizing)- while Shiro clearly is falling back on bad habits and withdrawing from the team about his issues.

Because Shiro, in a very catlike manner, starts avoiding people when he’s feeling awful. Which is why I think it’s such an unsung glorious moment when in s5e6, when Lance hasn’t even brought it up again or prompted it- Shiro is the one to bring it up and basically tell Lance to keep looking into this because something’s really wrong.

S5e6 is a glorious day for Shiro’s character because, some time before the car has set on fire, Shiro’s actually rolling down the window and telling someone “hey, the door’s locked and I don’t know where this thing is going, and this is kind of a problem. Can you... get help, please, I’m terrified”

So in that sense, much as I purport to be take it or leave it about clone theory, that’s why I really hope this is the original Shiro at hand... because everything he’s learning here is incredibly good and important for his long term emotional health and I’m pretty sure what we’re gonna get out of Kuron is a strong positive emotional arc for Shiro and Lance.

Shiro’s moving away from being the team’s perfect leader, but that’s nothing to mourn, because instead of a perfect leader he’s becoming an honest, emotionally healthy person who knows he can actually trust his team. And my multiple posts talking about how Shiro really wasn’t that perfect once you take the rose-tinted glasses off isn’t dunking on him or calling him lame-

it’s pointing out that he really wasn’t doing anybody a favor by pretending to be ideal leader. In s1e9 he had a full-tilt panic attack and immediately jumped into realizing Allura was still in danger and they had to act fast to prevent them all from being destroyed- which is fine, except the part where... he didn’t unpack or process any of that afterwards.

Sendak dug up a huge volume of Shiro’s insecurities, trauma, and frankly fear of himself, of the idea of being irreconcilably changed by what the empire did to him. This is a big problem. The implication is on some level Shiro is genuinely not comfortable in his own skin and that... wasn’t the only allusion to it.

S4e4 is basically a whole exercise in the paladins and how they relate to image (and how they really don’t) and with Shiro, the main thing Worm!Coran focuses on is Shiro’s body.

Shiro’s body, that, seemingly, he prefers to keep covered as much as possible given even though he prefers pretty close-fitting attire, he’s also pretty consistently one of the most modestly dressed of the paladins. That, as mentioned, Sendak was able to maliciously play on the fact that Shiro has some lingering anxieties of what was done to it, and that pervades his flashbacks and reactions to his missing year- the repeated implications of medical torture emphasized less by pain (sedatives are frequently shown) and more that things were done to him, that he doesn’t know the extent of, and he was powerless to stop.

And Shiro- perfectionist, anxious about how people see him (s1e6 for example), with these very serious insecurities about bodily autonomy and the aftermath that he’s been living with...

(he has a large facial scar, lost color in part of his hair, and is missing an arm, to say nothing of any other scars he might have that we as an audience haven’t seen, and, personally, his body type to me suggests that he lost weight in prison and his super-defined musculature is less about athletics and more a lack of proper subcutaneous fat)

...has Worm Coran repeatedly telling him to show off his body. The relatively innocuous (before Coran gets brain-wormed) start of it all even has the script make a joke about how Shiro only has one hand, that he gives a “really?” aside look at.

I can’t help but feel like the implication there, when all of the other prompts poke at existing insecurities-

Allura feeling like she’s just an ineffective replacement for the person no longer with the team when she was one of the loudest unhappy voices about him drifting away, Hunk being relegated to his gastrointestinal problems and his genuine quick wit and keen sense of humor ignored, Pidge being ignored because “nobody cares what you’re saying anyway!”, and Lance the actor basically spending the entire time indulging the fake, flashy casanova persona he uses to cover all of his own insecurities

-that there’s something significant that, again, all of s4e4 for Shiro is talking about his body, especially his muscles, which is seemingly another change after the missing year- he doesn’t seem nearly that built in the Garrison pictures, though it could be that he’s just wearing more modest clothing, it’s still very suspicious especially when Haggar’s endeavor was to turn Shiro into her personal fighting machine.

Shiro’s got a huge amount of things that have been quietly eating him from the start, and the good news is, they’re actually starting to bubble to the surface- he’s actually breaking down and talking about them with less and less impetus, which is important, because back in s2e7, Shiro made it clear that his connection with Black, that any ideal connection, needs to be rooted in trust. And while he’s heavily spun that as, he needs to be trustworthy to others...

If Shiro never talks to the team about his problems, no matter how he might spin that as not wanting to burden them or that he’s able to deal with it on his own, he’s not trusting them.

And again, that Lance is seemingly the catalyst for this is amazing to me, because Lance?

Lance is the trust guy. Lance is the feelings guy. Lance is the uncrowned king of literally every thing Shiro has been struggling with the absence of here.

Lance is both the guy who genuinely gets in Shiro’s face when he feels like Shiro isn’t listening to him, but he’s also the guy talking about how Keith needs to trust the Black Lion because Black wouldn’t ask him to do this for no reason (when Black is Shiro’s Lion, and Keith draws many obvious explicit parallels between Shiro’s requesting him to fly Black and Black taking Keith as their replacement paladin).

Lance is the one who tells Allura that Shiro is ultimately not their enemy, that they’re on the same side, and who’s vindicated when Shiro is now clearly working with Lance against Haggar, telling him that something’s wrong and that he doesn’t feel right, hasn’t felt right for a while, which is the last thing Haggar wants Shiro to do.

Lance trusts Shiro, but not blindly. He’s compassionate, but not to the point of self-neglect. He is exactly the head that Shiro needs on his team right now. And that experience is gonna mean a hell of a lot to Lance, as well.

#voltron legendary defender #vld #Shiro #Lance #readmore #guess who's pumped for Shiro and Lance in season 6 #this guyyyyyy #Anonymous

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wannawrite · 6 years

Text

Bar Goer

who?: JBJ’s Kim Donghan

genre: 🌸

type: bullet point

TW: alcohol

blog navigator.

donghan isn’t very successful at finding true love at clubs but trying doesn’t hurt anyone

inspired by kdrama ‘Tempted (The Great Tempter)

I’m so upset that jbj is going to disband so quickly 😭😭😭 it’s just a HUGE disappointment. This request went straight to the top of my priority list. They deserve to disband with dignity.

I’ll probably still take requests for them - same with W1 - bc I love them so much.

Thanks for requesting anon!!

- admin l

bc he deserves more

disclaimer: pictures used do not belong to me and credit goes to their original owners

everything that is written here is purely fictional

DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERING

No one has heard of a seducer greater than Kim Donghan

he had cherry lips, shielding a bitterly sweet tongue

he walked with a wicked stride, confident and narcissistic

Donghan was fresh out of school, just a 20 year old

yet, the neighbourhood gossip column stated he had wormed his way into the heart of a much older woman

she was his classmate’s mother

the reason he spent all night flattering her with sweet nothings and a couple of deep kisses?

likely because he wanted free alcohol for himself

why had he gone to that particularly expensive club only open to the guest list?

because his best friend and partner in crime, Hyunbin, had gotten free entry for both of them

troublemakers, those two

Donghan would go to that extent for free drinks

and he had the highest alcohol tolerance out of the people in his class

crazy

all the caused was chaos

Donghan would seduce anyone, anything, for whatever reason

if it was given by his other best friend, the aristocratic Kim Sanggyun

or if he felt like it was worth the chase and effort

some people nicknamed the trio TriK

Tri for three

K for Kwon and double Kim

and TriK for how deceiving they look

they trio played pranks on everyone and anyone

their other close friends, Taehyun, Kenta and Yongguk were helpless to stop them

tbh they didn’t really care as long as Taehyun did not have to wake up at 3am to bail Hyunbin out of jail

besides, it wasn’t like TriK to be so mundane and muted

they just bore too bright and wild personalities

Taehyun let out a disgruntled sigh. ‘Donghan, if I receive one more angry text for a heart broken person, I’m doing to snap your neck.’

Donghan simply shrugged, a knowing grin on his face

people liked to think Taehyun was the most responsible in the clique and often went to him for advice or to take revenge on Donghan

like Donghan ever cared about what his hyungs had to say about him

they too had given up long ago and just let him carry out his activities

it wasn’t like seducing was fatal

or was it?

‘Hyung, don’t be mad. I’m here, I bought you your favourite sushi from Tokyo! Cheer up!’ lovesick Hyunbin attempted to lift Sanggyun’s sulky mood.

he only pressed his lips into a thin line and twirled his chopsticks in his hands

‘it isn’t fair how she just moves on so quickly just two years after she signed divorce papers,’ he seethed. ‘Does she want the chairman or does she want JK group?’

it had been a long day of settling unpleasant affairs

to begin with, Sanggyun was forced to attend some gala that his mother’s company, Myeong Jeong Healthcare had organised

smile for the cameras

talk to stuck up ‘friends’ or ‘diplomatic allies’ who cared about nothing else than the Kim family’s bank account

entertain guests

To end the dessert course on the sweetest note possible, his mother announced her engagement to JK Group’s chairman

more commonly addressed as Kim Donghan’s father

Donghan too was obliged attend and witnessed the announcement

It was too soon after his father had erased any trace of him from his life

throwing out of the family home just hours after Donghan’s graduation ceremony

Donghan had disappeared shortly following the loud declaration

he was last seen driving off in a red sports car that was not registered under his name

Sanggyun had finally released all his pent-up frustration, throwing wine glasses at walls and crunching him up in his hands

his shouts shook the whole building from the carpark level

Hyunbin’s effort was useless

Sanggyun was not to be stopped

in the end, Sanggyun had to be hospitalised because of his injuries and emotional distress

obviously, he wasn’t one for bland hospital food so Hyunbin had made sure to grab his favourite

meanwhile, Donghan was out somewhere by himself, most likely equally traumatised

the next day, Donghan paid Sanggyun a visit

‘I can’t stand this,’ Sanggyun whined, referring to his hospital gown and IV drip.

which Hyunbin had been desperately tried to keep in place

uhh by preventing Sanggyun from ripping it out

perhaps he also meant that he couldn’t stand Donghan’s dad marrying his mum

‘Let’s go somewhere, do something,’ Donghan suggested.

‘whenever you say that...you mean let’s go clubbing...’ Hyunbin raised his eyebrows

his friend’s lips stretched into a smile. ‘Why not? I know of a new club that just opened.’

Hyunbin crossed his arms over his chest, pressing his lips into a thin line. ‘I think it’ll be best if we just called pizza and chicken in. Right, Sanggyun? You love that chicken place down the road.’

how the hell am I going to manage to emotionally unstable drunk boys?

‘Actually,’ Sanggyun began, tearing at his IV drip. ‘Checking out that new club sounds nice and we’ll call pizza in to cure the hangover.’

he wanted the thick liquid to burn as it slipped down his throat

Donghan felt like he just needed the adrenaline from clubs, maybe grab a drink or two but he didn’t feel like inhaling alcohol tonight

he just wanted some time away from all the chaos

hyunbin knew the night wasn’t going to end in the most spectacular fashion but that never stopped him from hopping in

‘There are too many nurses and security on duty as of now,’ Donghan hissed, teeth gritted

the quicker they left and arrived back the better

less suspicious

less problematic

less chaotic

a bundle of black nylon was shoved into his hands.

unravelling the package, his hands met with sturdy rope

‘hyung, you never come unprepared,’ he whispered in disbelief. His hyungs were always so unpredictable

Hyunbin locked the door behind him as Donghan pushed the window open

they were lucky to have gotten such a hospital ward

imagine if the windows were sealed

but no, Sanggyun threw a fuss about how he was allergic to some chemicals

the contractor was in to redo some windows of different wards

Sanggyun hastily slipped into the different set of clothes and fluffed up the blanket to make it look like he was asleep

with a thud, the rope landed on the other side of the wall

the knot reeling to keep it secure

under the pastel hues of sunset, three boys shimmied down the wall of a hospital

the moon reached its peak by the time they set off for an adventure

for Kim Donghan, getting into some of the city’s most exclusive clubs was no big deal

he just had to cut the line and give the bouncer a small smile before the velvet rope was pulled back and he was ushered through the doors

he did frequent clubs quite a bit

but most of the time it was to meet Hyunbin or Sanggyun

it didn’t necessarily mean he got hammered 24/7

he just found the atmosphere one to suit his mood at given times

strobe lights, loud music, the scent of sweat and alcohol almost seemed more welcoming than the icy draft that wafted through his ‘father’s’ house

a/n: in the drama, a reason why Sihyun gets kicked out is as he isn’t the legitimate son of his ‘father’

from what I know

please don’t spoil it for me 😬🙏🏼

Donghan takes on Sihyun’s role, Sanggyun as Sooji and Hyunbin as Sejoo

but tonight, Donghan just feels like having a beer before napping on the plush seats in the VIP lounge

there was no room for hooking up or ruining someone’s ego today

that was his plan

if he succeeded in getting through the insane VIP line

usually, the VIP line would have one - the most two people - in it

however, tonight was strangely packed

he was Kim Donghan

if there was an event, he would have been informed of it by his contacts

but he hadn’t even heard anything on the grapevine about tonight

weird

Sanggyun was beginning to get impatient, worried about how he was going to explain himself to his mother should they be caught

‘I’ll go check out the situation up front.’ Donghan pushed and squeezed his way through until he could see the doors

after some eavesdropping, he concluding the club was hosting someone’s birthday

‘hey, you!’ someone yelled. ‘Don’t cut the line, dick move.’

Donghan wanted to roll his eyes but he controlled himself, flashing his signature grin that made even people with the most concrete hearts melt into a puddle of cement

unfortunately, it only earned him an icy cold glare from the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen

oh, how he wished they would be filled with adoration instead of annoyance

the girl it’s been so long since we specified genders scoffed at him, then returned to chatting with her friends

Donghan felt a pang of guilt - an emotion he rarely felt

he slipped back into his spot in the queue

thankfully, Sanggyun and Hyunbin were too engaged in a chitchat to mind him much

staff came a few minutes later to clear the customers into the club

Donghan ignored the bar and the impressive array of drinks, mood spoiled by the earlier interaction

for the next half an hour, he spent it wallowing on the VIP room couch, crunching on the occasional snack

red had spread across Sanggyun’s face like a sunburn as he sipped his brew

Hyunbin was more concerned about keeping his friends sober than drinking

but we all know this boy can drink

‘this is no fun,’ Sanggyun started to whine. ‘We came to forget about being sad but we’re just crying in the club.’

‘it’s better than sobbing in the hospital,’ he added quietly

• Hyunbin nudged Donghan in the ribs. ‘Come on, our little seducer, who do you fancy tonight?’

Donghan stared off into space, propping his face in his hands, his mind not even pondering about it.

carelessly, he replied, ‘I’ll talk to whoever walks through the doors next.’

that person would mostly be someone he was already acquainted with

you had to be extraordinary to access the VIP lounge

TriK was no exception

His friends snickered. ‘Done deal.’

Donghan did NOT expect the next person to be you

he regretted his words

such an impetuous comment, what a grave mistake

Sanggyun threw his hands into a clap, pouting lips tugged into a smirk

‘there’s your target, Romeo.’

swearing, Donghan took a sip of Hyunbin’s beer

he observed as you approached the private bar and perched on one of the barstools, chatting up the mixologist like he was your best friend

nerves began to settle into his stomach like never before

whatever

I’ve done this more than a billion times, what could be so different about this one?

Donghan moved to the twin barstool before anyone else could take his place

he winked at the bartender, cueing his usual drink

seeing it was the insolent young man you had previously encountered, you edged further away from him

‘waiting for someone?’

you turned at the sound of his deep voice, meeting his sultry smirk and dark eyes

sucking back a snarky reply, you only uttered a finite ‘yes’.

‘shall I accompany you?’

such a try hard

you refrained from rolling your eyes, instead, you sent a killer smile his way

‘no need. I don’t associate myself with people like you,’ you bit back

ouch,,, that has got to sting

panicked, Donghan sampled his drink, brain clogs reeling to come up with an answer

he feigned nonchalance, shrugging his shoulders which shifted his shirt to show off a pair of defined collarbones

‘excuse me.’ you began to slip out of your seat. ‘I came here with a purpose and with friends, so...I’m not wasting any more time with you.’

arrows shot into Donghan’s heart and smashed it into smithereens

the feeling he had was completely foreign, they felt like cupid’s arrows

he was baffled by the new wave of emotions

hmm cupid had spoken, there would be another chance won’t there be?

‘who cares?’ your best friend yelled after hearing your story. ‘He’s so hot! There won’t be any strings attached anyway. That’s why we came anyway, isn’t it?’

you cringed, pulling a face at her reaction

he was kind of hot though...

‘you HAVE to grab him before others do! I see he’s caused quite a stir.’

her words were true, quite a number of people swarmed that guy and his bunch of friends as they emerged from the VIP lounge

I’ll see if he makes a move first

your glass slams down on the table, making your way to the dance floor

across the club, Donghan spots your figure immediately

he keeps his eyes trained on you as you sway to the music, moving your hips to the beat

to your surprise, Donghan simply flittered off into the crowd without even making eye contact

disappointment flooded you for some odd reason

an hour ago, you were disgusted by his presence and even shooed him off

now, you wanted his attention...desperately

blame the hormones

still, this sort of behaviour was so unlike yours

@ spiked alcohol

don’t spike anyone’s alcohol, that shit ain’t cool and it’s so gross and uncalled for

you retired to a quieter corner of the bar, feet aching from the killer heels

you felt someone’s arm lean against the bar counter, trapping you in your seat

‘where’s your friend?’ the same voice asked.

‘hmm, not here right now,’ you whispered, voice low. ‘But you are.’

Donghan chose to ignore your latter comment, playing hard to get.

‘having a fun night?’ he made sure his eyes met yours for at least 10 seconds before breaking away for 11 seconds

you paused, deliberating on your answer.

yes or yes but in italics

doing something crazy for once wouldn’t hurt you

‘no,’ you replied, tone huskier than before. ‘not without you.’

damn sweetie wyd

before you knew it, Donghan’s lips were inches away from yours, beckoning you to close the gap

ask before you kiss anybody

your lips captured his and his hands trailed down the curves of your waist, finding their seating on your hips

I’m reading my bible 8 times after this brb

he tasted like sour lemon and spicy vodka, tampered with a hint of cherry cola

his lips were plump and experience, puckered at a certain angle, tilted to a certain degree

it was electrifying, terrifying almost

unintentionally, you pressed closer to him, only craving more

and causing a whirlwind of pretty butterflies to flutter in his stomach

idk shit abt kissing too i’ve only kissed my dog

Donghan finally pulled away to catch a breath, his hands left your form and rested on the seat of the barstool instead

*denies second kiss* • he was toying with you, making you crave more, driving you insane with his teasing

‘tell me your name,’ you demanded, cheeks heating up

he chuckled in response, deep and growly yet playful

‘It’s Donghan.’

Donghan moved to the other side of the bar, possibly only to get water but you followed him - not with just your eyes

he kept you company, offering small tipsy talk but refused any of your further advances

from time to time, he made a flirtatious remark or played with your hair, maybe dropped a compliment or two

you forced yourself to respond neutrally to them

eventually, his friends caught up with him

one was flushed pink and the other was supporting him

they needed him to leave

‘when will I see you again,’ you blurted out. ‘I want to.’

Donghan only smiled, giving your hand a light squeeze

it was unclear if his gestures were out of assurance or a farewell

you had to see him

some unexplainable attraction willed you to

you would hanker after him if you had to

‘you want to know more, you’ll have to cave into the chase, sweetheart.’

how sweet

you didn’t understand why people got themselves dead drunk at clubs when they could do this instead

#jbj #jbj scenarios #produce 101 #produce 101 scenarios #kim donghan

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fairielust · 6 years

Text

yesterday !

ok ok i’m finally gonna sit down n write this shit out before it leaves me shjbgk

ok so as we know yesterday was my japanese excursion (last one evER) n for some god forsaken reason my parents thought it’d be a good idea to see the annual light festival, vivid, on the same day Sooo your girl had to get off an earlier stop @ the end which sucked but i’ll get into detail later lol

so i got up nice n early for a saturday to have a shower n do my makeup n i realised i looked extra asf for an excursion but wisteria knew i had vivid afterwards so i had an excuse lol

our lil class got to the station an hour early to buy drinks n snacks n @ 11 we were all waiting for wisteria who, like a goddamn angel, had come up the stairs n saw us sitting @ a bench n my heart stopped bc i forgot it was a saturday n i was in casual clothes n makeup n seeing wisteria outside of school was incredible wtf

also i was drinking hot chocolate n of course my lipstick was all over the cup n i got heaps shy n quickly drank it all lmao i hate myself

anyway so we’re waiting for the train to come n we’re all chatting in japanese n english about random shit like this movie i watched the night before n how we all did not want to do this speaking thing n how dinner was gonna be the best,,, eventually the train came n we boarded n i got super jealous bc wisteria called one of my friends over to talk about her major work n of course they were talking for the entire time n i was lowkey jealous bc i wanted to sit beside her lmao. we also had to change trains n for some reason it dropped to like -10 degrees ?? n we were all huddled together in a cute asf circle shivering while i constantly asked if i could (jokingly) jump off the platform bc i hATE SPEAKING n i hatE WHEN IM COLD

all was good n we walked to the fancy asf school where the speaking thing was held n wisteria had to leave us bc she was going to be one of the teacher’s who asked questions 2 the students but like,,, we’re not allowed to go to her n i wanted to die even more bc there was a shit ton of native speakers n a few white teachers n i knew no one but wisteria n i hated it so much omg,,,

i find it ironic how i can speak japanese quite well when i’m not pressured hmmm

so yeah that was a miserable experience n now i’m so scared 4 the real thing help

wisteria had to stay till 4 (we were there since 1) so she let us walk off to the plaza that was nearby n we chilled there until it was close to 4 before we returned. while waiting for her outside the building we all decided to remix a song that we constantly sing in class that’s one of wisteria’s favourite japanese songs (by remix it was like an acapella edm remix where i dabbed bc lit) n when she came out of the building we hurried her over to where we were sitting n started n she was laughing @ our stupidity wow i love an iconic class

next we started walking to the restaurant where we’d be having dinner n it took absolutely forever,,, when we got there there was a small queue n suddenly wisteria got really excited bc she realised that this particular restaurant was the one she wanted to try for a while now n it was so cute tbh (i wasn’t gonna admit that in person tho hell to the no)

we got a table n again i wasn’t sitting beside her :(( but it’s ok bc she teased me either way. my brother had texted me asking if i was gonna get the kid’s ramen n i told that to wisteria n she laughed so loudly lmao

let me tell you. torikaraage, or fried chicken, is legit the best thing in the world. it’s not like kfc. it’s japanese fried chicken. it’s incredible. that’s my obsession, alongside ramen. wisteria on the other hand,,, her favourite drink is oolong tea n when she had it she was squealing like a little girl agAIN so not only is she obsessed with walls n green tea but she also loves oolong tea n i’m just sobbing she’s so precious :’)

we got a group selfie together which was cute <3

after dinner we started to walk to the train station but we got lost a bit n had to catch a bus but it’s ok we eventually made it lol.

tho,, along the way,,, wisteria (for the millionth time) had stopped and squealed n it scared me a lil ngl so i turned around n she was already running off w some of us,,, i followed n honestly my breath caught in my throat.

there like this opening which had a view of the city from afar with all the lights on the buildings from the light festival i’m supposed to be seeing afterwards. n while it was afar it was magical ?? like one of those surreal anime moments. just the five of us w their japanese teacher standing in the darkness, watching the city n the lights w the wind in our hair.

(n i was standing right beside wisteria)

i was actually ready to cry both emotionally n bc i was so tired

we made it to the station n caught the next train n i realised that it was only two stops after that i’d have to get off which SUCKED my gosh. BUT i was sitting beside wisteria n when it got close to my stop i started to hug all my friends goodbye. n then,,, i made a risky move (in my mind, at least) n turned to hug wisteria n she returned the hug n honestly it was one of those(TM) hugs,,, yknow those rare ones that for a moment you actually believe things will be okay n she was so warm n soft n i’m tearing up thinking about it (you best believe my arms did not leave my body the rest of the night) <3

n she jokingly said ‘nice knowing you’ when i said i might get kidnapped n i rolled my eyes n laughed smh !!!

n here’s another thing: i was wearing my scarf the entire day n i had worn it today, n while i was doing something i randomly put my face in it to keep me warm n there was a perfume scent that was most definitely not mine,,, my perfume is sweet n stuff but there was a v new scent that isn’t mine, or my mums, or anyone except wisteria. bc i knew i could smell her perfume when we hugged. oh my fucking god i aint washing my scarf now.

someone (wisteria) pls hold me i’m so emotional n i’m planning on talking to her tomorrow after class to ask if it was possible to have some sort of weekly speaking practice from now to the final speaking exam bc again, i’m an anxious unprepared shit n i need actual help @ this point,,,

okAy that was a wild ride !!! if you made it to the end thank you for reading my emotional ramble !!! i love one teacher n her name is wisteria !!! <3

(also happy pride month fellow tc-er’s if you celebrate it <3)

#tc #tcc #teacher crush #teacher crush community #female tc #lesbian tc #lesbian teacher crush #female teacher crush #love #musings

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makknays · 8 years

Text

the past is in the past.

not requested.

genre: angst?

I thought that I was dreaming when you said you love me.

Inspired by Ivy by Frank Ocean

I often found myself thinking about the time I shared with Namjoon - him being an idol and me being a student, neither of us were exactly free 24/7. We couldn’t make time or find time to spend together but when we did Namjoon and I had a great time; I wasn’t ready for his ‘I love you’, I hoped that I was dreaming even though I wasn’t. I was overwhelmed by everything, as well as emotionally unprepared. We were nothing and became something so quickly and so we also ended as if nothing happened in the first place.

I got home from work, it had been a relatively calm day; I had lunch with friends and not too much paperwork, which wasn’t too bad. I checked my mail and carried out many other mundane activities when I walked into my apartment. There was a handwritten letter, I recognised the handwriting almost immediately - Namjoon.

Dear ____,

Although you probably hate me now and I really do understand where you’re coming from. I’m grateful I had the chance to be in a relationship with you; you’re a busy woman and I appreciate the times we spent together. It was nice, thank you for all of that.

I could see right through you and I know you put up your walls to not hurt me, but I knew you were hurting. I couldn’t tell how much you meant to me, I say we were kids back then and I broke your heart. I’m sorry for all of that. You weren’t being true to yourself or honest with me but it’s okay; the past is in the past. Even though I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to still have you in my life.

We have grown up and apart. Back when we were younger, we could go through life armored against the hurt. But now that we’re mature, we’re feeling it all—the consequences of our actions. The mistakes we make as kids may not kill us in the moment, but we tend to pay for them later with regret and sorrow. I didn’t let you in fully; I thought I was safer this way but if I hadn’t done so I may have still been with you.

I often find myself overcome with regret about what happened between us. I’ve been lying in bed, half-asleep and dreaming of the times we spent together. I can’t help but miss the times and happily think back to the times we shared. Everything was rushed, I’m sorry I didn’t take it at your pace, I just wasn’t good at relationships yet; if I could I would love to see you again.

Namjoon and I dated while I was in my second year of university, almost 3 years ago now. How he got my address, I don’t know, probably through a mutual friend. After all I still spoke to Seokjin every so often. He wanted to see me again. Namjoon wanted to see me again, was I supposed to text him? Or was he going to text me? Ding! “Did you get my letter? I sent it yesterday.” Was I supposed to respond? Ding! “I understand if you haven’t or if you don’t want to talk to me; after all I did hurt you back then. I won’t bother you again.” “No, Namjoon, stay. It’s been a while. I’m surprised that you still have me on KT tbh.” “Come on now, I wouldn’t be petty enough to block you, after all you didn’t hurt me as badly.” “Don’t worry about what you did to hurt me, you said yourself ‘the past is in the past’.” “So you got my letter?” “Yep. I just read it.” “So, would you be willing to meet me?” “Yes. When and where?” “Now? At your favourite cafe.”

Was I really going to do this? I remember what I went through during our break up, I pretended I was okay when in reality I was dying inside. I didn’t want to leave him but the other part of me did. He was one of my first lovers and our whole relationship was rushed. Before I even thought this through I changed into more casual clothing, grabbed my car keys and set off.

Truth be told, I was already waiting for her at the cafe; I had been doing so everyday for the past month, in the hopes that she would walk in and back into my life. I don’t know why I didn’t just contact her again, I guess I just wanted fate to bring me back to her. After her, I did move on to other people, other relationships lasted much longer than our one did; however I could never forget about the time I spent with her and I couldn’t forget about her. She meant so much more than I thought she did.

I got her new address from Seokjin, I was terrified of sending the letter but I needed to let her know how I feel, just not over text. Now I was waiting at her favourite cafe, she said she’d be coming, I hope she was coming. The waiters and waitresses knew me very well by now, having seen me everyday. They never asked why I was always here though.

I parked my car nearby and slowly made my way towards the cafe, I had been here every morning since who knows, it was where I got my early morning coffee and sometimes breakfast from. I pushed the door open and the small chiming of the bell signaled that I had entered.

Namjoon shot up and walked over to me, “Come take a seat, it’s been a while. Sorry to just make you come out like this.” “Don’t worry about it, if I didn’t want to I would’ve told you so.” “It’s been three years since we last spoke.”, Namjoon said as he sat down. “Yeah… how are things? You know with BTS?” “Good, everything’s going well. How about your life? What was it like to graduate?”, he awkwardly asked me. “I’ve got a pretty stable job now and graduation was fun, except for the fact that I only received flowers from my parents and no one else really.” “Do you wish you had someone else? Like a lover?” “I guess I do.”

“I’ve missed you.”, Namjoon spoke as he placed his hand on top of mine. “Didn’t you have better relationships, longer relationships?”, I asked him as I removed my hands and leaned back into my seat. “I had longer ones, but I wouldn’t call them better. I think the best time was the short time I spent with you. It was worth every single second.” “Then why did we, why did you end things?”, I asked him seriously. “I was stupid, I didn’t realise how much you meant to me, you were one of my first serious partners and I rushed everything and so our end was also rushed, it only I hadn’t been so stupid.” “It’s not all you though, you may have had the final word but I didn’t even let you in fully to start with; you even wrote that in the letter.”, I told him, this time I placed my hand on his. “Would you give me a second chance?”

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scrollofshadows · 6 years

Text

i love tashlich

We went to the beach after Rosh Hashanah services. There was a picnic part, which I mostly spent eating and reading Facebook and Tumblr.

Then the rabbi made us all circle up (or, really, get in a lima bean shape, as the people next to me enthusiastically pointed out).

She played her guitar. (it's THAT kind of shul) (what other kind would i go to?) (literally the other place we're planning to go to services is called the Aquarian Minyan, I'm POSITIVE there will be guitars somewhere)

Anyway, she taught us a song that went, "Return again, return again, return to the [place?] of your soul. Return again, return again, return to the place of your soul. Return to what you are, return to who you are, return to where you are born and reborn again. Return again, return again, return to the place of your soul." (The original is "land," and some people sing "home," and i feel like we sang "place," but now I can't remember.)

I've been thinking a lot about what I need to let go of, because 40. And also because Elul and Rosh Hashanah. What do I need to change to be my best self? What do I need to fucking stop doing, or start doing, as a new year's resolution for 40?

I need to accept the love people have for me, and accept the reality that I am loved and safe, instead of living in anxiety. Anxiety doesn't do anything but lie to you. I need to spend more time with friends; I need to hang out with people at least 40 times this year. I need to sit up straight and stand up straight.

I had just been sitting there thinking about what an intense year it has been, and I realized that, a little over a year ago, I wouldn't have expected to be where I am or who I am or what I am now. I was thinking, I didn't expect to figure out I was aro or ace or in a queerplatonic partnership (those are words nobody is going to know and that's another post but it's good). I wouldn't have expected to still be trying to get businesses off the ground and work enough and be financially stable. I wouldn't have expected to be in the amount of anxiety and resentment that I let build up. But I also wouldn't have expected to now be constantly practicing letting go of anxiety and sitting up straight and being present, like a constant meditation where you just have to keep coming back to your breath.

(I just read the other day, I think actually in Rabbi Alan Lew's excellent book "This Is Real And You Are Completely Unprepared," that studies have shown it's not the blank mind of meditation that provides all the benefits. It's the moments when you bring your mind back from wandering. The thing we think of as a Bad Distraction Where We're Not Doing It Right is actually what helps us. What I want to know now is, if I'm doing essentially that in my everyday life, do I constantly build up the same benefits I'm supposed to get from meditation?)

Anyway, I had thought about all of that, and I thought, "I don't know if I like how much this whirlwind year has changed me! This isn't what or where I thought I was. This is unfamiliar, and I'm a little scared of it, and I don't think I like it very much."

And I guess I realized, after not too much of that, that um gee guess what this is where and what and who you are, better accept that and sit right in the middle of it, because it's you! You already know that's what you're going to learn, might as well skip right to doing it.

So then of course the Rabbi busts out with "return to what you are, return to who you are, return to the place of your soul."

In early recovery, I learned I could ask God to speak up, and to make things very very clear and obvious to me, and I guess that stuck!

That's ALL she sang. After that, she told us we weren't throwing bread in the water because it's bad for the environment and whatnot (I didn't hear the details, but, you know, waterfowl tummies) so we should look for rocks or sticks or whatever instead. And those could represent the baggage we were letting go of and throwing into the ocean.

The person next to me agreed that this was all an extremely clever ploy to get us to clean up the beach ;)

I picked up a chip of driftwood for each thing I knew I needed to let go of.

Being scared of what anyone will think. Not talking about stuff with my friends. Not being emotionally present with my partner. Not being emotionally present with friends and loved ones. Not being emotionally present with my cats. Not sitting up straight. Not standing up straight. Hanging on to fear. Cleaning too much.

(I know, "I wish I had that problem!" It's easier to solve the problem of "my house is a mess" than "my business and finances are a mess," so I frequently attack the laundry or the clutter or whatever instead. Also, our house takes a lot of cleaning and I can't take it being chaotic or gross anymore, especially if I have to work in that space. It's tough because a lot of things do need to be done, and also, I easily get stuck in doing those things instead of doing self-care or work or having fun.)

There were undoubtedly other ones, I'll have to add them in the comments as I remember them. Caring what other people think is a big one, because I don't care very much about whether people might judge me, anymore, but I spend a lot of emotional energy trying to protect other people from feeling disappointed or scared or whatever. Too many of my conversations, with people I'm not close to, are characterized by me holding a lot of tension in my body and trying to give them the reactions and responses that will make them feel satisfied and waiting for it be over. This includes our housemate TJ, which is Not Great because I Literally Live With Her.

By the time I was done, I had one big handful of cigarette butts and wrappers, and one big handful of driftwood. I was careful to only throw the driftwood handful into the ocean.

I threw that shit in there. And then I was looking out at the bay, and trying to be present with what I was doing. And I realized that the whole entire thing boils down to not trusting my higher power. Because of course it does. Because what doesn't. So I picked up another big piece and threw that into the ocean too. She's peeling all my shells off. I did not ask for this. (that is a straight up blatant LIE, of course I asked for this, probably not in those exact words tho) We lima-beaned up again. And the Rabbi starts singing. “Return to the place of my soul.” AGAIN. like okay, highlight and double underline it, why don’tcha? And then she makes us pair up with someone we don’t know yet (which for me is almost everybody) and share one of the things we threw into the ocean. She said, “it doesn’t have to be the biggest thing, it can be any of them. Or you could make up a new one!” I totally love her tbh. So I end up talking to some baby boomer on my right, and then we hug, and then we find out we’re both from Oakland, and he asks if there’s room in my (totally empty) car. Clearly if I’m going to be more trusting with people, I’m getting called on to start immediately. So I ended up bonding with him, and his partner who it turns out we met last year, and then two or three other people in the lima bean, and Ina’s very nice cousins. Not bad. Anyway, I LOVE IT. I did not realize how much of the time I was spending reacting to people with wariness and resistance. Like everyone, especially the cats, were going to need to interrupt me five hundred consecutive times while I tried to think in a straight line. Or like every interaction was potentially going to be someone telling me something too scary or too challenging. It feels SO MUCH BETTER to just be there with people and cats, and react to them naturally, instead of trying to anticipate and guard myself or them from things. I laughed so much with TJ tonight. I enjoyed the cats and said nice and appreciative things to them. Ollie (our cousin, and surrogate grownup kid) said that they hadn’t seen me this happy in a really long time. I was like, “OLLIE. THAT IS SAD.” And with devastating accuracy, Oliver said something like, “Yeah, that IS sad! Better be sad about it so that you can avoid being happy again!”

#shana tova #tashlich #jumblr

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