#I’m making a lot of assumptions in this bc I’m so slow on catching up to the story lol

[exploding-carrots]

I’ve been wanting to draw or write out my ‘future’ Bottom ideas for a while but haven’t gotten around to it. So here’s a long post of some head canons and a general story line of them vaguely developing as people at some point set after the live shows. If anything this is just sort of my personal AU for the characters getting together. Mostly focused on the progression of Richie and Eddies relationship and my thoughts on both of them being trans

- They’re both trans, (a lot of Ades characters give me trans dudes vibes but that is 70% me wanting to time travel and body swap w the man) Eddie is a bi trans dude (who medically transitioned young, but is not necessarily out as either) and Richie is a closeted/repressed bi trans woman who begins to come to terms w it during the whole island era

- Richie is also intersex, which while yeah is sort of canon in a mean way, is sort of important to me for the character 🤭 However she is not aware of the fact

- Eddie is dyslexic and has ADHD which both contribute to him struggling on and off (which was really just a gag they went with when funny) with reading/writing depending on how well he can focus on it at any given time (example: the Edies Bra sign vs the grave stone). I am not even going to attempt to say what is going on w Richie but the woman is a mess of unresolved issues and trauma complications

- After everything they go through in the live shows they do somehow make it back to the flat which is unexplainably the exact way they left it.

- Every single joke about Richie going off and fucking dudes from the live show is taken as fact. It is the most poorly kept secret amongst the cast. They literally do not talk about it unless Eddie is trying to make a point or piss off Richie

- Eventually Eddie IS trying to piss off Richie and does bring up everything about her sex life and the clothes, and... well everything else. After a ridiculous fight it somehow turns into an almost semi-serious conversation. Eddie makes the assumption that Richie is gay and Richie counters with the fact that she is genuinely interested in women but it’s a hell of a lot easier to get attention from specific types of men. Gets some wheels turning in both of their heads

- Personality wise they never really calm down, but they do start to slow down a little bit as it takes them longer and longer to recover from their fights. Obviously there is still the odd dart to the forehead or gentle push down the stairs but the ridiculous games and completions they make up take center stage

- they get weed at some point (Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun seems like a feasible source, because let’s be honest if Richie and Eddie tried to buy weed it would not work) that leads to all sorts of embarrassment because Eddie gets crossfaded as all get out and starts hitting on Richie. Which while having a precedent in their history (I mean, the first episode gives us that right away) takes on a new sort of meaning once the concept of bisexuality has been rolling around in their heads. Nothing particularly saucy happens at this point Bc they are high, drunk, and old but all of the actual acknowledgement of feelings start to really develop after this point

- in an attempt to do something with her time Richie picks up sewing and picks up where she left off with the wrap skirt and rubber underwear she made on the island. Starts to really develop the little wardrobe she wears when she’s alone. It’s a mix of the same awful button up shirts she always wears and some dresses and skirts along with a couple pairs of sexier (for Richie at least) under garments

- eventually Eddie comes home while Richie is still in her feminine clothing. Eddies Reaction is different from the first time he saw her dressed up that way since now there is a precedent. Eddies approach is much more “playful teasing” and fake surprise than it was previously.

- Slowly Richie starts dressing up around the flat more and more often as opposed to just when alone. Eddie ramps up with the pet names and husband/house wife dynamic they already had going on.

- THE MOMENT is when Eddie is leaving the flat to go to the bar and there is an ‘accidental’ kiss on the cheek along with his usual good byes. Eddie realizes what has happened immediately and bolts before Richie can say anything. Richie has a moment of “teehee that was nice” still in her little fucking house wife head space before it catches up w her.

- Richie panics, paces around the flat, gets changed like 8 times, cooks dinner, throws it away, takes it out of the trash, paces more, breaks like 8 things, and essentially just fluctuates between “Ooo Eddie fancies me” to “oh fuck the bastard is making fun of me again” to “it was an accident and Eddie is going to make it into a fight” back to “ooo Eddie fancies Me~”

- eventually Eddie comes home, pissed to hell and back way later than he’d normally come home. Richies passed out on the couch. Eddie wakes her up by pushing her over on the couch so he can sit. Eddie says something along the lines of “I’m fucking drunk so I’m only going to say this one” before saying some incomprehensible drunken rambling and pulling Richie into an awkward full kiss. It’s a nice moment for maybe about 5 seconds before he stands up again, pulls a pint out of his jacket, chugs it and says something about drunkenly passing out before doing just that across the coffee table.

- Richie just sort of gawks at Eddie sleeping across the table before giddily tossing a blanket over him and heading off to actually go to bed.

- relationship wise this really just sort of introduces a sexual/physical dynamic to their relation while ramping up their camp version of domestic life

- it’s Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog who actually say something to Eddie about it. They’ve always been in on the “oh look, it’s Eddies terrifying wife” thing. Probably only actually say something about it after the 2nd or 3rd actual display of physical affection they witness. It’s more of one of them asking Eddie if Richie really is his wife (in that half aware sort of way they observe things). This alone doesn’t change much, but it does takes a lot to get through to any of these repressed bastards

- Richie grows accustomed to the more feminine/soft pet names that Eddie uses for her. At one point Eddie uses more traditionally masculine terms which sets off “oh actually I am not a fan of that” in Richies head and leads her to asking Eddie to not refer to her that way. Leads to an awkward half coming out on Richies part. Eddie does genuinely switch up how he refers to Richie at this point and her gender just sort of becomes an silent fact that they both respect. Everyone else sort of knows them as those weirdos who have some sort of common law marriage going on and it’s not really questioned. This is the point where Richie starts to earnestly medically transition without really saying to much about, canonically she has been on estrogen pills before (even if it was a ‘mistake’)

- End game is essentially just them being casual about their identities and relationships in a unspoken sort of “well that’s just how it is” way that naturally sort of bleeds into a the other aspects of their lives.

- Additional note on Eddie being trans: Richie is already vaguely aware of this fact Bc obviously they’ve been seen what the other is working with at one point or another but the fact that she is unaware that she herself is intersex and has a skewed sort of idea about genitals and peoples bodies Richie genuinely does not think about it all too much. Eddie assumes that she knows, especially as they get older and casually refers to being trans (in my mind probably during the entire “Edwina” disguise thing. I imagine Eddie wearing the dress came down to the clothing size and some off hand comment about him “having experience”, which is total shit Bc even before he transitioned Eddie never presented that way). That’s probably around the point that things start to click in Richies head about Eddies identity and she starts comparing and contrasting Eddie to other ppl and such.

[redinkofshame]

Some late night ramblings Re: gender and toddlers bc I can't sleep.

I mentioned a while back that my kid's pediatrician asked if he could tell boys from girls and how much it upset me, like, can you?? (<-- I regret not saying it. I should have.) At the time I said no, he thinks everyone is a boy.

I soon realized I was wrong; he doesn't think everyone is a boy, he just only knows/uses he/him pronouns. Boys are he/him, girls are he/him, inanimate objects are he/him. I've been working on it with him every time he gets it wrong (but it's not working at all)

Ignoring for a minute that I don't particularly like that my 3yo can correctly (or as correctly as anyone else) say 'that boy won't play with me' or 'that girl took the ball'... (Like, how can he tell? They’re just kids...) Even though he can't grasp pronouns I'm glad that he's exposed to gender neutral on a regular basis thanks to the librarian that does toddler time at the library, Mx. Jude. I feel like it's scary to tell parents your proper pronouns because so many people are shitty but I'm glad they did. I guess I should write a comment card or something? Or is that patronizing?

I've been working on my own pronoun use, too. I try to remember not to assume and to use neutral terms unless I know otherwise. Kinda hard to unlearn a lifetime of cis stuff but I try. Sometimes I mess up in my head at work -- hard not to make assumptions when speaking with a nurse named Angela -- but I (think) I always remember when leaving a note saying who I spoke to be neuter about it. 

It’s already paid off. Kiddo is in swimming lessons and his teachers rotate all the time so I was introducing him to the week’s teacher. I don’t know if I would have caught myself if it wasn’t easy to see that the teacher was wearing clothes that came from a different department than their AGAB but it slowed me down enough that I remembered to use a they/them, despite my brain telling me I could just assume their gender and sexual preferences based on a glance. I’m really glad I did bc when I tell you their eyes just LIT UP and being called they/them by a new parent. 

So much so even my mom saw it, I think. Or maybe she picked up on me continuing to use those pronouns when talking about them later? I don’t think I ever mentioned them again though. I do know that I saw mom use the correct pronouns weeks later when we saw them again, in that way where she had to slow down before she said it to remind herself to use they/them. I know it’s a struggle for her. It’s hard to re-learn! She’s very good about Mx. Jude in front of kiddo but sometimes will slip when talking to be about them. 

I probably slow down the same way, though I try not to. It doesn’t come naturally yet. But I’m glad that I’m working on it. And I’m glad people from my mom’s generation are too. 

I grew up with Fox News playing like 24/7, except when we were in the car: then it was Rush Limbaugh. I believed all the rhetoric. But occasionally something someone said would seem Too Unfair to me, and if was coming from my mom I would say so. One time a butch woman (I think. Who knows.) was spending, like, a long time primping her hair in the Target bathroom. Mom muttered something like ‘she’s spending an awfully long time on how she looks for someone who doesn’t care how they look.’ and I was like ‘who says she doesn’t care?? Just because YOU don’t like women with short hair doesn’t mean SHE doesn’t like it. You don’t know she cut it just to say ‘fuck you’ society.’ (though, now that I’m older and wiser, more power to them if they did. I also like to imagine they were getting ready for a date or talking to a cute cashier.)

She used to say It’s okay to be gay but they shouldn’t be *married* they can just have ‘civil unions’. It took me YEARS to stop believing that, but when I did I found an excuse to bring it up again so I could say something about it. 

And folks? It worked?? Like I didn’t notice at the time. I don’t think she really responded either time and the subject moved on. But even she still remembers that time in the Target bathroom because it left such a ‘o shit the kid’s right’ imprint on her, and it’s made her think about some things more critically.

But now we’re at a point that my mom will text me about how my kiddo loved playing with Mx. Jude today, just casually in a text. I didn’t even know where she learned that Mx. was a thing. She didn’t learn it from me.  (I’ve since gathered she probably learned it from the teacher.) I’ve never really talked her much about gender outside explaining why some people go with bi and some pan and some other ones out there. 

Which! Side note. When her teenaged nephew came out as bi to her sister, and then the sister talked to mom about it, mom was able to explain ‘just because someone’s attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean it’s always all genders equally; sometimes it is, or sometimes people will still have some preference to girls or boys but are still bi’ because apparently of all the things I said to her about it that one was like a lightbulb for her. I have no idea why it mattered in the conversation tbh, only that she later said she was happy that she understood that now, thanks to me. 

I hope this isn’t patronizing to mom, and I don’t want anyone to think ill of her bc she’s super amazing and caring and works so stupid hard for this family. But it’s just great to see that other former Fox-News watchers can just learn to teach themselves to be progressive. 

(Dad’s changed a lot too but not in an anecdote-able way, not as socially, so idk how to describe it. Definitely thinks more critically though.)

 One more before I resort to sleep meds I guess. My cishet BFF just informed me that her spouse is a transwoman. She’s wanted to tell me forever (like 6 month I think) but they weren’t out about it yet and it wasn’t her place to tell, all I knew was that her and spouse were in therapy about something she couldn’t talk to me about yet. 

I focused more on her reaction to it when I was talking to her, because I know how much she hates secrets and has wanted to talk to me about it and I wanted her to tell me all the things she’s been holding back. And also their family’s reactions because they suck. (The reaction is that everyone thinks her wife is going to hell, even the wife’s mother.) But the first thing I asked was how to spell her wife’s new name. 

When the conversation was over and I had her permission to tell others I informed my spouse and mom, because they also know my BFF and might talk about her spouse and I didn’t want them to accidentally misgender/deadname her. 

My mom’s first question was how to spell her wife’s new name 😂 (and then if she was using she/her pronouns or smth else).

Idk. It’s exciting. I’m happy for all you funky little queer folk. I’m sorry my ass is taking so long to catch up. I’ll make sure my kiddo is better than me. Forgive him for misgendering over half the population currently (and most inanimate objects).

[lucatorahaven]

vampire au post

4 skype convos haphazardly mixed in from very different times

[29/11/2014 4:27:51 AM] Probably Not Assorted Cheeses: Vampire au

Lucas the incompetent vampire who eats mostly animals

Duster was the one who bit him, only bc duster was literally starving n lucas came at a bad time

idk if duster should be born a vampire or not but Wes is one too and together they taught lucas how to survive.

however eventually they had to leave, they offered for lucas to join them but lucas can’t leave his family behind, the kid’s too sentimental :’(

so together they staged his death (which im too lazy to try n think of)

claus knew bout the vampire thing tho, lucas couldn’t live alone like that. He also ended up biting Boney in an accident so hey vampire dog.

claus grew up and eventually had his own family. Lucas could only really watch from afar but then the kids got his age and it was hard to see him and keep the gig up. He visited his parents funeral anonymously and afterwards him and claus stood there just

“sup” “how’re the kids” “twice your age and with kids of their own” “heh, i always thought you would be the one with kids yano?” 

it was very bittersweet, it felt like they’ve never been apart 

“it never stops feeling strange without you” "I know” 

lucas thinks of that conversation a lot

he started off the "younger uncle" then the "weird neighbourhood kid that visits grandpa claus" and inevitably the "weird kid from nowhere who goes to the cemetary every other month to put flowers on graves older than appears to be"

SO without attachments lucas traveled with boney, hoping that they find duster along the way.

eventually lucas comes back to tazmilly but it’s been a couple hundred years now and it’s completely different so he doesn’t recognize it

n lucas one day is caught outside with no shelter, it’s almost morning so he runs into osohe (which is way outta town so he assumed it was abandoned)

vampires can’t enter homes without being invited in because apparently homes are holy land but osohe is fuckn haunted so that doesn’t apply (adding on to the abandoned theory)

that’s how kumatora and him meet, she finds him exploring osohe all “wtf the fuck who are YOU...this me house”

So she gets an awkward lie explanation from lucas 

n she eventually catches on lucas is a vampire n is just DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I NEVER MET A VAMPIRE BEFORE FUCKN SWEET

lucas is just UM.;;; IS IT OK IF I STAY

"oh dude it's cool!! but u gotta tell me bout yourself bc i never met a vampire before ok?? i live iN THE PERFECT GOTHIC HOME BUT THERE’S NONE!! but here you are and i’m JACKED i gotta go to work tho so brb but afterwards u gotta tell me about yourself ok CYA"

lucas is still processing everything by the time she leaves, but he’s grateful and figures a conversation is the least he can do to repay her

in this au kumatora’s into cryptology bc her house is FULL of books and it’s a common subject (also the fact her castle is filled with ghosts and there are zombies just across the moat, it’s a p convenient hobby)

when she comes back she’s super excited because he’s still there 

lucas is kinda reserved but he still answers questions bc it’s POLITE

she asks bout p much everything?? “HEY do you need that” “y-yes” “is this true?” “not that i know of” “ok experiment time” “uH;;” “wait am i keeping you up?? it’s still daytime” “no it’s okay” 

after exhausting lucas of all his Vampire Facts kuma invites lucas to live at osohe castle, it’s big enough anyways

lucas is wary af bc he doesn't wanna accidentally get close to someone who 1. has a life span and 2. is technically food

but lucas ends up sticking around anyways, boney really likes it and he lowkey enjoys her company

so they keep chillin n lucas tells her how he hunts animals n how he only takes a bit of blood so they don't die and 

IDK I GO BY THE THEORY THAT VAMPIRES HAVE VENOM bc otherwise their entire food source becomes COMPETITION n they can bite but not?? TURN THEM INTO ANYTHIng so controlled blood flow for feeding purposes

also vampires only need to eat once or twice a month? they die around 6+ months without eating from starvation. It all depends on how quickly the blood cells in their body die basically.

ALSO when they bite you it doesn’t hurt bc their saliva numbs it so (sneaky bites) but it still feels weird as shit

bUT YA SO LUCAS N KUMATORA CHAt a whole bunch...you know that “accidentally get close” thing i mentioned? it happened

(it was kinda hard to avoid when the first companion you have that’s not your dog is informed on vampires and vampire goods, that was convenient)

so they keep hangin out and kumatora unlocks his Tragic Backstory

n sometimes kumatora helps him feed? like they go out together finding animals n storing blood

n lucas is fascinated with how technology has advanced bc he doesn't really?? go into towns anymore but he fuckn LOVES it

n they play video games n general COOL FUNTIMES

kumatora let’s lucas borrow her labtop to occupy himself and he looks for other vampires or hints of them

(this is under the assumption that osohe can get electricity in a modern au while still being ignored / abandoned)

n when kumatora goes to work he cleans up the castle n tries to show how much hE REALLY APPRECIATES HEr

n lIKE i also go by the logic that vampires do not do the stereotypical “turn into ashes at sunlight” it is a slow progression that takes up to 12 hours until absolutely turned to a crisp 

so basically if he covers himself and wears a shit ton of sunscreen he can chill in the middle of the day for like...a hour or two

and bc kumatora's WORTH IT he visits her at work n she's all LucAS WHAT ARe yO U DoING??   

lookin like a modern goth kid......has a huge red burn on his cheek..

he blames it on how pale/blonde he is “my brother is ginger you know”

kuma gets super worried n he's all bruh it cool i have like..2 more hours until i need to go to a hospital   

n kumas jsuT I GET OFF IN 4 HOURS GO HOME

kumatora invites him to movie nights with her friends n shit

people start calling lucas kumatora's goth boyfriend “never call him that when he's around or i'll murder you”

theyre all rather cool with lucas and find his speech kinda funny?

"wow look at those teeny boppers" "GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY GOD I LOVE IT" “???????????????" kumas friends ask for lucas more all WHAT SCHOOL DOES HE GO TO WHERE DOES HE LIVE "oh he's......foreign B)"

eventually it comes up how lucas doesn’t really want to be a vampire anymore and kumatoras just “dude i can help you find a cure” bc maybe her hobby is a bit Excessive but live your dreams

but ya lucas is just?? constantly wants to visit kumatora n loves her night shifts!! visits all the time they go on hikes a lot n jusT? GETS SO FUCKIGN ATTACHED IT SCARES HIM CONSTANTLY

they sometimes fall asleep on the couch together n when he's all "wow shes so cute.." he realizes how fucking Deep he’s in this and he’s FUCKED

he tries to distance himself but he Can’t Fucking Do It (just like w/ his fam)

whenever he tries to push her away she looks so upset it kills him 

N HE'S IN SUCH A STRUGGLE BC HE'S JUST

SO HAPPY TO BE AROUND HER??????

N LIKE WHEN THEY CUDDLE N STUFF HE'S JUST SO OVERWHELMED BC oh my god heartbeats!! oh my god she's gonna die before me

n lucas really fucking feels the severity of how FUCKED he is when its her birthday n hes just

yes she's gonna age and he's gonna outlive her n they could never realistically be happy even if by some offhand chance she even RETURNS the feelings

N HE HAS TO HIDE HIS CRYING N STUFF BUT KUMATORA HAS  A 6TH FUCKN SENSE FOR DISTRESSED LUCAS SO SHE'S ALL bruh :( whats up

so he opens up to her about his feelings and anxiety and she hugs him through it, it’s kind of a shitty way to confess 

“idk if i can forgive you for deciding that i’m gonna die before you” “are you threatening murder” “that and no way death’s gonna get me, i’m pretty stubborn”

a lil while passes

“you know... i’m okay with becoming a vampire” lucas refuses bc dude.. you can’t even comprehend the weight of immortality.. what if she regrets it 

“to hell if i make my closest friend suffer because of a life span” “hah i guess that’s the same for me”

they drop the vampire topic for the time being and move on to other ones such as... mutual feelings :^)

they’re both romantically inclined i mean... lucas spent 300+ years being a hermit and kumatora had other things to do

so they take it slow, it’s p much the same as before except.. hey...now when i think “man i wanna hold their hand” i CAN

it'd also be really sad and/or cute if the ghosts in the castle some of them were lucas's family which might be why boney likes it so much but also imagine them kissin on the couch "kuma ghosts r there" "EH THEYRE JUst ghosts" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) claus looks into the camera "after so long... finally my little brother gets some action :')"

but idk if that’s a thing bc it feels kinda weird i feel like kissin n shit wouldn't b very often bc as much as they both loVE IT 

IT'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR A VAMPIRE

YANO.... HEARTS R BEATING... NECK IS RIGHT THERE (lucas still adores it tho)

so back to the topic of Mortality

kuma gets attacked in an alley on the way home from work

n lucas finds her bc they were gonna meet up but he smelt the blood and when he does find her he just goes FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK n didn't know how to save her 

also thinking rationally is hard when OH LOOK AT ALL THAT BLOOD AHhaHA

SO HE BITES HER

he carries her body home n he spends the whole waiting process between DEAD and VAMPIRE crying just "hoyl shti please work please work" “what did i fucking dooooo” “what if i was earlier” “what if i was too late” so many anxieties

kuma wakes up and lucas transistions from panic to HAPPY PANIC OH THANK GOD

she’s really out of it bc of the process and he’s crying apologies “it’s okay you saved me” but he’s still crying, they cuddle for comfort

"hey atleast we did it NOW when i'm a hot sexy 19 yr old and not a wrinkly old lady” “kuma” “i’m tryna make light of the conversation”

so now that kumatora’s a vampire she only works night shifts until she eventually quits. They moved to a new town / whatever so it was easy to avoid having to meet someone in the daytime. facebook helped keep in touch with her friends while still letting the friendship die out.

it took kumatora a bit to get used to being a vampire. she threw up a lot at first and she didn’t like having to drink blood but she did eventually get used to it

idk if they find a cure bc idk what the cure would BE but they eventually find other vampires :^) they continued lucas’s search for duster and probably found him tbh

[eponinemylove]

AFTG First Impressions

If you haven’t read aftg just glaze right over this post because I’m bouta spoil some shit and this is something you need to experience for yourself if you ever read the series

OK so let’s talk about first impressions, because there are a couple of things I immediately assumed when I listened to the books (and yes I never read the series, I listened to them on audiobooks, this is important) that were just so far off from what ended up happening that I thought it would be funny to share them

I THOUGHT KEVIN AND ANDREW WERE AN ESTABLISHED COUPLE. Like it’s not even that I thought that Kevin and Andrew might be having sex, which I know a couple of y’all picked up on too and are in the same boat, I actually believed that Andrew was Kevin’s boyfriend and everyone knew this. I thought that it was common knowledge in the exy world that they were openly and publicly dating. The reason I assumed this was because, in the first fucking chapter, they’re described as 1) Kevin having switched to PSU for the short goalkeeper and 2) Kevin never went anywhere without Andrew. This is c a n o n okay, sounds like a relationship to me. moving on.

So again, I listened to this on audiobooks. The audiobooks were voiced by a man. For the first couple of chapters I thought that Aaron was Erin, and I didn’t exactly piece together that he was a guy? Or even that he was the same person? This is just me being a little slow, but for a solid part of the first half of The Foxhole Court, I kind of thought of Aaron as two separate people: Aaron and Erin. I knew that Aaron was Andrew’s twin in the back of my mind, but then I forgot to make the connection that Erin was anything more than a sort of secondary character (like how y’all be doing my boy Seth) so I was just rolling with everything pretty much until around the time that Neil went to Columbia (yes this is how long it took, shut up) and I sat straight up, paused the book, and realized that I was a huge dumbass and that Erin wasn’t a fucking character at all, that I was thinking of AARON, who was the second short blonde maniac and not the maybe-female player that just chills with Andrew’s crowd

Also just me misunderstanding, but when they talked about going to Columbia pretty often I was like oh?? Oh shit. Y’all just be flying down to Columbia every other week, no problem? And then it’s mentioned that they’re from Columbia and i’m there like on god??? I though y’all were white? Ok I see you. It wasn’t until they were actually in the car driving I realized that they meant Columbia, South Carolina and not the country

Also a really minor thing but I thought Nicky was spelled Nicki. This wouldn’t have really changed anything, I just think that Nicki is a more feminine spelling and I was kinda excited about that being his name until I realized that realistically it wasn’t very likely. 

I definitely though that Kevin was going to be Neil’s love interest. He was the one who flew down to Millport to get Neil!! He was the one who decided they have to have him!! In the book’s summary or blurb or whatever it’s called, Kevin is the one Nora is vagueing about, his mysterious friend from the past who might jeopardize Neil’s whole secret but who he’s inexplicably drawn to!! And then I meet Andrew, again who I thought was Kevin’s established boyfriend, and I’m like ???? Is Neil going to have to break them up? Andrew isn’t going to like Neil very much. What’s happening

Ok no tea no shade, BUT. I mean honestly no offense, but how did y’all not pick up on Andreil? Look I KNOW I just said I thought Neil/Kevin was endgame. After like chapter 6 I realized my folly. Kevin was over here getting NO screen time, while Andrew was getting a lot of focus? Which isn’t exactly what pushed me over, but it got me reevaluating. And then Columbia happened and a bunch of other shit but—ok, do y’all remember the scene towards the end (I think) of The Foxhole Court? Chapter 14? I’ll quote it for you: 

“A group of people shouldered their way up to the bar counter at Neil’s back, pushing him into Andrew. Andrew didn’t budge beneath his weight. He was something solid to lean against, something violent and fierce and unmoving. Neil couldn’t remember what it felt like to have someone hold him up. It was terrifying and liberating all at once. His life was out of his control now; he was giving it up to Andrew and hoping Andrew would keep it safe.”

THAT SHOULD’VE BEEN YOUR FIRST MF CLUE. This is the exact moment I realized that Neil was going to end up catching feelings for Andrew, and, let’s be real, I’d already began to assume that Andrew would return them, because obviously. Look at everything that’s happened so far. He’s bought this boy clothes, kept his secrets, adopted him into his family, offered to fight off the mafia for him and??? otherwise completely obsessed over him thus far. The chemistry was there.

I think this pretty much goes without saying but I thought that first night at Columbia would’ve had a much bigger role than it did? Nicky literally kissed Neil against his will while Neil was roofied, and then the next thing Neil knows he’s waking up in bed with Nicky the next day? And sure he freaks out in the moment and for the next couple of days, but there isn’t a whole lot of follow through after that. It’s talked about a few times and then just... never again. I really thought that that would’ve torn a much bigger hole in Neil and Nicky’s relationship than it did

Do you know how much bullshit Andrew’s coming out scene was from my perspective??? Please refer back to the top of this post where I mention that from the first chapter of the first book and one of the first descriptions of Andrew Minyard that we get, I thought this boy was out and proud and dating Kevin Day. And then for Renee to have to break it to Neil in the SECOND BOOK that not only is Andrew not straight, but that no one else knows this about him, I about lost my shit. And then the scene sometime earlier where Kevin is advising Neil that if he is gay to stay in the closet bc it’s easier for pepople to think Neil’s straight??? As if deep down we all don’t know that Kevin himself is a raging bisexual?? Nora, I hate to tell you this, but no one was assuming that your characters are straight. I appreciate you calling out heteronormativity, but I can assure you that was absolutely not the case in your books.

I didn’t like Jean at first. I can admit it. I thought that he was one of Kevin’s asshole ex-teammates who wanted him to come back to the nest, and if not than he’d make him miserable. I have done a complete 180 and I love and respect Jean Moreau so much more now that I understand his character, but that was my initial assumption and I’m not proud of it

Alright I think that’s about it for this post. Feel free to add on with some of your first impressions from aftg, or if you make a separate post tag me in it!

[yutark]

tbh i hate bringing this up, and this isn’t directed at anything or anyone in particular, but i thought it’d be best to clear up that yuta’s ic feelings are not connected to my ooc. 

whether those be towards his company, friends, strangers, other people, he remains ic and i think people might be confusing it because in interactions, yuta still is only grasping at his issues and rarely recognises them ic. he has a serious lack of self awareness and he’s always had that. so in an attempt to reconcile any doubts people have, i’m going to breakdown yuta’s state of mind and where it comes from.

first things first, yes, yuta is angry about the sns ban and then rumours of the trc girls debut. those two things are intertwined. and those connect to why yuta currently hates his time in trc. there are a few things people need to realise,

yuta expresses anger before he does any other emotion

he’s sensitive to things he feels are unjust or unfair

and he struggles with things when they are uncertain

these three things connect a lot to his childhood and teen years. anger, gets an immediate response and attention. yuta being upset as a child, did not get him much attention from his parents, but if he was angry and threw a tantrum, then they would deal with him. this was ingrained further during high school when he was bullied, being upset did not get anyone to solve the issue, but being angry either, scared them off or caused the teachers to be involved. that bullying also connects to why he reacts more to things he feels are unjust or unfair, to him, because he has a strongly held belief that the world is against him. throughout his life, he has sought out situations and validated his own belief, over and over again. it gives him an excuse for his anger and frustration, and justifies his actions for himself. 

none of these are good things and i’m not excusing his behaviour, he needs to learn and that’s what some of this is. 

finally uncertainty and doubt. yuta has walked through life going, ‘this is this’ and ‘that is that’ and ‘im nakamoto yuta, and i know everything’. so when something truly causes him to become uncertain and doubt, himself and everything around him, he has no proper skills to deal with it. when someone else doubts him, he proves them wrong by doing it, but when he starts to doubt himself, he’s faced with a situation he doesn’t know how to deal with. the doubt and uncertainty, feeds itself. yuta is nagged by the constant, ‘if im having these, there must be something to doubt’, and he craves something to prove him wrong or right. it’s why he acts out.

he wants someone to make the decision for him, and if that decision is negative, he can be angry, feel its unjust and validate this whole cycle again. this is how yuta has handled and gone through his whole life.

as for feeling suffocated and hating trc, there’s more things that factor into that again. 

he has a history of being non-commital; short relationships, one night stands, and a messy work history ( one i did a hc on here ). the longest job he has had was 7 months, trc is already at 12 months. but unlike these jobs, trc is his dream and he’s struggling with a couple things: is it trc or is something wrong with him, and what does he do on both those cases.

his expectations and reality are two different things: he thought he would join trc, be signed and then debut in a year -- but that is not how it works. and seeing ten and taeyong, who signed the same time as him debut, adds to this. what he thought would happen, is not happening to him, but it is happening to his friends and boyfriend. this increases his confusion, his doubts and slams reality harder into his chest.

nothing is happening in trc. there’s been no sign of his efforts having value, he’s seeing everyone else be rewarded, even people he feels have caused him to be unfairly punished. when he joined trc, he put his entire energy into it--100% or nothing--and then when nothing happened, 110%, 120%, trying to be on his best behaviour, do everything he’s told, and then left tired and feeling like he’s not getting anything ( add in his doubts, uncertainties and fears, and he’s frustrations at what he feels is unfair ) and he feels like he’ll never get anything, and he wants to blame trc for it.

his personality also add fuel to the fire of how he feels. he’s always been someone who fixated on something and would do anything for it. for ttc, he’d been in a car accident weeks prior and he cut off his cast to perform, nearly re-broke his arm doing so and went into trc audition with a cast on. he’s fixed on debuting, on catching up to those around him, on being better than them. with nothing happening in trc, he’s exhausting himself and feels like he’s treading water, they’re all getting further ahead and he’s not.

one of the last things is jaebum leaving trc. it might seem minuscule, but they were close and yuta could buffer out his discontent by hanging out with his best friend. now he has to deal with every schedule on his own, and face himself in practice, and not have that distraction to take away from his focus.

everything yuta does, and how he acts, has been there the entire time. it might be more noticeable now because these issues are coming up for him, but they are genuinely him. and as a mun, i wouldn’t care to explain my muse, but because of how people react and the feeling of uneasiness i get, i restrain from taking plots or playing him true to who he is. i’m curbing his behaviour and keeping it to dms or chats, bc i think that there are some people who are under the impression that i’m putting my ooc feelings into things. 

it’s affecting how i roleplay my own muse because i worry people will make assumptions.

rkseokwoo and rkshua are both my muses too, very few people take on their feelings as ooc, but i think because yuta does have issues, is more vocal and can even be mean, there’s a confusion there. 

at the moment, in yutas dev, he’s been working on more healthy coping mechanisms. he’s talking to his boyfriend about how things make him feel, he’s been vocalising his frustrations with other trainees and his friends, and he’s having to take a true look at himself. its imperfect, he’s still not learned how to calmly express himself or talk clearly. this is something i’ve been doing to him as a mun since back in may last year, when he walked in on his mother cheating. back then, i was working on yuta’s self-awareness and open him to realising how his actions/words/thoughts/feelings effect those around him, and begin to identify where they come from and how to properly channel them.

in fact, the situation of his mother cheating is a major seed of why yuta is, where he is now. it weakened some of the foundation, damaged his confident persona, and pushed in some doubts, on how, who he sees himself as and who he is, might not be the same thing.

it’s a slow development, it’s something he will succeed and fail at, over and over again, learning more every time. 

and i know this is super long, and if you read this far, i applaud you, but i just wanted to be clear on this since it’s affecting how i play my muse and i thought if i cleared up what people might misunderstand with yuta, or not know. it’ll ease everyone’s conscious that, ‘ah, yuta’s just being a dick because he’s like that’. 

as for people telling yuta/me to leave trc if he’s unhappy, that generally won’t fix the issue yuta has, he will simply leave and be signed, and the same thing will happen, and as a mun, i’d rather use this as a way for him to dev and grow, and maybe become less of a asshole ;;

i hope this will clear up any confusion on where/why/how yuta is how he is. thank you if you made it this far <3 lol

[its-love-u-asshole]

Slipping Underneath [Ch. 4]

Pairings: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei

Summary: Tsukishima was in some deep shit he realized, but common sense told him he should have been rather happy about the discovery he’d just made. Of course, that didn’t stop him from freaking out.

“Tsukki? Did something happen?” Bokuto asked.

Dejected, the blond lifted his head, giving Bokuto the flattest stare he could manage. “The neighbor downstairs hates my voice.”

Rating: T

Tags: soulmates, mythology/sirens AU, some iwaoi and bokuaka thrown in bc why not, first meetings, fluff, Kuroo is a nerd and Tsukki can’t help but be charmed, Siren!Tsukki, Siren!Bokuto

Note: Helloo I am not dead lmao and I’m almost done with finals! I’ve obviously been busy with the kurotsuki exchange and other deadlines, but don’t worry! I don’t plan on abandoning any of my fics <3 Big thanks to @emeraldwaves for checking this over! Enjoy ^^ (also I’m sorry for any formatting issues should there be any, I just got a new computer and I’m not super used to it yet??)

AO3

The walk up to Tsukishima's apartment took longer than it ever had, as if each step did a piss poor job of actually covering any ground. Everything felt off, but not...in an unpleasant way, which only served to make his body thrum in anticipation more. His fingers slid occasionally against Kuroo's, and he even dared to wrap their pinkies together as the elevator climbed up to Tsukishima's floor.

The craptastic lights flickered, and the carpet looked even more disgusting than usual, but Tsukishima was hardly bothered by it this time around. In fact, he didn't mind at all. Something was wrong.

It's called a good mood, probably.

The fuck. But from how the heat traveled up his neck, it was probably a correct assumption. He'd had a lot of fun, and he bit his lip to keep his smile from showing.

He hadn't questioned it when Kuroo only pressed for Tsukishima's floor, for several reasons. The first was that Kuroo had obviously shown himself to be a good date, albeit a cheesy one. Cheesy dates included walking the askee to their door (or at least, that's how it worked in movies). Second, and as much as it pained him to admit it, Tsukishima really really did not want the date to end.

God, even thinking it was astounding.

Tsukishima never wanted outings to continue, not even with his friends, whose company he actually enjoyed believe it or not. It wasn't anything against anyone personally, just...being forced to socialize for more than a few hours at a time got overwhelming, and being alone with his thoughts was much needed aftercare.

But Kuroo...he didn't make things tiring. Their conversations were easy, fun, enticing. Tsukishima wouldn't have hated the idea of sitting in the car with him for the rest of the night, talking about anything or just...sitting in that comfortable silence they seemed weirdly capable of. It scared him, jarred his senses into high alert.

It was slightly less concerning now though, in the sense that Tsukishima sort of knew why he felt that way. And no, not from the magical power of soulmates, though he could begrudgingly concede that the universe had picked right for once.

He fucking liked Kuroo. A lot.

And he had no idea what to do with that information. Excellent.

The slow of his pace and the image of his door brought Tsukishima back into the present, shivers travelling up his spine, and not from the peeling paint. Why was everything so aggravating?

I don't want you to go.

A brief thought, but one that had the force to knock him onto his ass had he not been leaning against the door frame.

Kuroo smiled at him, sincere and bright in the dim lighting of their shitty apartment building. They both sort of smelled like french fries, and Kuroo had tripped over the curb and almost ate shit on the way from the parking lot, but the atmosphere still seemed to charm Tsukishima to no end. Dangerous.

"Your lovely abode awaits you," Kuroo said, gesturing grandly, and his high pitched voice carried obnoxiously down the empty corridor. Normally, the potential of attracting attention would make Tsukishima cringe, but this just made him hold back a laugh. Screw his neighbors.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, scratching at the faded wallpaper. "I don't know if lovely is the best adjective. I find a cockroach at least once a week."

"Ugh lucky," Kuroo replied, shoulders sagging in a full performance of drama. He winced as a part of the wall's plaster fell off from where Tsukishima was fiddling with it. Needless to say, he stopped. "For me it's twice a week, and there's spiders too."

"Why do we live here?" Tsukishima smiled despite himself, fidgeting with his fingers behind his back. The wall had been a better distraction.

It was a fair question however, not just to Kuroo but to the universe at large. This place was falling apart. It'd been around for decades. There were ghosts in the basement. And no, not just 'shadows in the corner of the eye' ghosts, like legit ones. Musically inclined ones.

Tsukishima didn't sing in the basement anymore.

That was all a story for another time though, given he'd ever tell Kuroo his little secret. This was what he'd meant though, about things just being easy with Kuroo. Even when it came to the most mundane things. Hell, if Kuroo really wanted to stay and complain, Tsukishima was more than ready to pull out his water bill.

"Mm, because we're broke and it's close to campus?" Kuroo offered, hitting the nail on the head.

Ouch. Yeah. That hurt more than he expected it to, truthful or not.

"Guess we have no choice then," Tsukishima muttered, voice softening as he reached for the door handle. As much as conversations were infinite, even he had to know the night was over. The novelty of that feeling hit him again, but at least if he got inside his apartment, Kuroo wouldn't have to see him pace the floor over it.

The raven's laughter died out too, and before Tsukishima could offer an awkward farewell, their hands were connected again, the texture of Kuroo's rough palms not unwelcome in the least bit.

"I'd never complain about it. About you living here, I mean," Kuroo confessed, idly playing with Tsukishima's long fingers. Tsukishima didn't have room to feel self conscious about them either, not when Kuroo's voice was soothing him, lulling him into contentment. "I got to meet you so, shitty building or not, I'm hoping you stick around..."

Somehow, even Tsukishima knew the statement wasn't completely in reference to his living situation. It carried the feeling of an invitation, maybe to another date or...several other dates.

Dating.

Dating Kuroo. Wow, okay.

That thought was...nice. Very nice. Goddammit.

The thought made him outright laugh though, because on that night when he'd come face to face with an unlikely trespasser, the last thing he'd expected was to end up here. He hadn't expected Kuroo to hate his singing, or to be so considerate, or attractive, or anything to him at all.

And now here Tsukishima was, crushing on the guy with a terrible laugh and even more terrible hair, and it made complete sense to him. How did he get here?

Oh yeah, he was a siren, and Kuroo was a surprisingly determined bastard. Right.

"You just want me around so you can break into my house again," Tsukishima said, tightening his grip on Kuroo's hand.

Kuroo's face fell, and he sent a playful glare Tsukishima's way. "You're never going to let that go are you?"

"Never," Tsukishima replied, the thoughts in his head fighting to be heard. They were on the tip of his tongue, words far too intimate and personal to be shared, but he couldn't help it. With Kuroo, he felt compelled in every way, and he was beginning to not see the point in resisting. "But I'm...not unhappy, that you were on my balcony that night."

His voice was small, muffled, not clear or refined like his singing, but he couldn't tell the difference, not when Kuroo smiled so brightly.

--

As Tsukishima shut his door behind him, he couldn't help but feel totally weightless, and he did his best to fight off a grin as he leaned against it. His apartment was dark, which was odd, considering Bokuto was usually home by then, whether it be alone or with Akaashi in tow.

That was fine with him. Less explaining to do about where he'd been.

But just as Tsukishima was about to move to turn on the main overhead lights, the lamp by the window flicked on, giving the room a subtle glow. The rotating armchair they had in the living room spun around, revealing a serious looking Bokuto in a strange rendition of a mafia movie.

What.

Bokuto had his hands folding in front of his mouth, his eyes accusing Tsukishima of all sorts of things, like a parent catching their kid sneaking out of the house. The effect was seriously dulled by Bokuto's owl slippers, but oh well.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" Bokuto asked, his arms crossing slowly.

"Please tell me you haven't been sitting there for hours waiting for me just for the dramatic effect," Tsukishima deadpanned, slipping off his shoes and moving to the kitchen without paying his friend much mind. He was caught yeah, but like hell was he going to look all guilty and shit.

"Forty-five minutes, but that's not important!" Bokuto jumped up from the chair, following Tsukishima with the same impressive persistence as when they were kids. "You were out with your soulmate!"

"I was out with Kuroo Tetsurou yes," Tsukishima corrected, still not entirely bent on attributing this connection to fate. It was the first romantic bond he'd ever felt, and as cheesy as it was, he felt it was far more important than some dumb prophecy. Even if that's what drew them together, he had agency dammit.

"I knew it! I totally figured it out!" Bokuto leaped in triumph, barely missing hitting his head on the ceiling, which Tsukishima was thankful for. They did not need to make another embarrassing maintenance call.

"Akaashi told you," Tsukishima stated.

"Well...yeah but, I had a feeling!"

"No you didn't."

Bokuto threw up his hands, thwarted, and Tsukishima did his best to keep his face neutral. They always got like this over the most trivial things, and surprisingly, the score was pretty even. Sometimes Bokuto would win, sometimes Tsukishima. But oh, when Tsukishima won, he gloated like there was no tomorrow.

"Kei...would you...just...please?" Bokuto pouted.

Then again, Tsukishima did have his fair share of soft spots to be preyed upon, and his gloating would be short lived.

Tsukishima sighed loudly as he poured himself some water, fixing Bokuto with a flat stare. "Fine...how on earth did you find out? You must tell me your genius methods."

"Well," Bokuto began confidently, not missing a beat. "It was so obvious. The clothes, coming home late, being all pissy these past few days, there was no other explanation!"

"Uh huh..." Tsukishima moved out of the kitchen, flopping onto the couch and settling in for what was sure to be a long conversation. He wasn't sure he was ready for this yet, the whole 'gushing about first dates with friends' kind of thing. Tsukishima did not gush. He did not have the capacity.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me! I told you everything about Akaashi when I first met him!"

"Yeah against my will," Tsukishima muttered, not that it deterred Bokuto in the slightest.

"No more secrets! Tell me everything. How was it? What did you guys do? Do you like him? Ha, what am I saying? Of course you--"

"Of course I do." The words were out of Tsukishima's mouth before he even had a say, before his brain had fully processed the several responses he could've given, any response other than that. He clapped a hand over his mouth, hearing the words echo into their tiny ass apartment.

Even Bokuto shut his mouth.

It was weird, knowing something but actually admitting it aloud. It was like it finally clicked into place, and once more, Tsukishima felt utterly lost. But his heart sped up, his skin tingled, and all he could think about was seeing Kuroo again.

"Shit," he whispered, glancing at Bokuto for help.

He didn't have much to offer. "Shit."

So wise.

"This...this is great Tsukki! I'm so happy for you and--wait, why do you look like that?" Bokuto stopped mid cheer, peering at Tsukishima with wariness laced in his expression.

Tsukishima was pale enough on his own, but at that moment, he probably looked like a ghost. "What do you mean?"

"Why do you look like you just crapped a giant load?"

Or yeah, maybe he looked like that. That worked too.

Tsukishima didn't have the strength to rebuke the statement, or fire anything intelligent back. The power of his confession was sinking into him, and all he was capable of was the truth.

"I don't know what to do about it," Tsukishima whispered into the silence of their home. "I like him. What am I supposed to do about that?"

How did any of this work? He was a siren, how did that affect things? He couldn't just come out and tell Kuroo. What if Kuroo thought he'd been tricked or something? What if he decided he didn't really like Tsukishima?

It was all way too much, but even on the surface of it all, Tsukishima was lost. Where did he go from here?

The question seemed heavy, an impossible problem with an encrypted answer. The selfish part of him weighed in there too, because above it all, he did want to spend more time with Kuroo, wanted to get to know him. It was a convoluted mess of logic and emotion, topped with uncertainty, and Tsukishima stared at the ceiling in confusion, unsure of what to do.

Nothing seemed easy in this situation, the road ahead wasn't clear.

Apparently, he was wrong.

Bokuto shrugged, his head shaking as if Tsukishima had asked the dumbest question in the world. His smile was easy and calm, obnoxiously so, but his reply still felt like a punch to the gut.

"Uh, you date him," Bokuto scoffed, turning around to retreat to his own room, gesturing for Tsukishima to follow. "Fool."

And somehow, Tsukishima felt like that's exactly what he'd end up doing, sure of himself or not.

--

After that night, Kuroo had solidified his status as a total goner.

Dating Tsukishima was great.

More than great.

He was salty as hell with a great sense of humor and legs to die for. His skin was soft, and his eyes surprisingly softer once he let his walls down, and his laugh made Kuroo want to give him whatever he wanted.

It had barely been a month since they'd met, and Kuroo was completely and totally enamored.

After their bowling date, it had been impossible for Kuroo to stay away. It was like an invisible magnet, drawing him towards the blond, and he couldn't complain. They walked each other to class sometimes, went to the movies, and met between lectures whenever they could.

Kuroo confessed that maybe he'd even neglected a few measly homework assignments just to be with Tsukishima, but he was slowly getting the hang of balancing the relationship with school. It helped that Tsukishima had a bit more self control too, making sure they didn't overwhelm each other.

As if it were possible.

The weird transition into becoming boyfriends never really happened, it was like they just knew, as unbelievable as it is. Still, Kuroo had yet to refer to Tsukishima as such. He was waiting for the right moment, specifically a moment where he'd be able to see Tsukishima's face light up from a blush, but no one had to know that.

Point was, Kuroo had no intentions of seeing anyone else, didn't want to. His friends could say he was whipped all they wanted, he was happy with it.

Kuroo sighed dreamily as he walked down the road from his last class, his heart already racing in anticipation with the thought of meeting up with Tsukishima. Man, the honeymoon phase was a force to be reckoned with.

Kuroo slowed his steps, hearing them scuff against the pavement while he adjusted his pace. Maybe he was a little too eager. He pulled his coat tighter around him as a gust of wind hit, and he could already smell the damp earth from the greenhouse as he approached it.

Tsukishima had asked him to meet him there so they could walk back together, and Kuroo had jumped on the opportunity. Plus, it was nice to see Tsukishima in his element, planting flowers and managing the greenhouse's general upkeep. He looked calm when he gardened, whether it be on his balcony or on campus, and Kuroo was hoping to get a few candid pictures today. At the thought, he pulled out his phone. Gotta be prepared.

The greenhouse would be a good background too he figured, and Tsukishima deserved the best (not that he'd approve of the photos at all, but he didn't have to know).

Kuroo had never actually set foot in the greenhouse before meeting Tsukishima, in fact, he barely remembered its existence. It always looked a bit abandoned and overgrown, and he didn't understand why Tsukishima felt the need to do all that work by himself everyday.

Kuroo figured it was mostly for alone time than anything else, but damn, he had to give Tsukishima credit for not going mad.

He was looking at his phone, absentmindedly flicking through the few notifications on his screen, when he bumped into someone, hard.

With an 'oof,' Kuroo stumbled back, catching himself before he landed on his ass.

Oh shit, nice going.

Kuroo wasn't exactly scrawny. He wasn't even being arrogant when he said he knew he was well built. Whoever he'd bumped into, they had to be hurting.

"Hey, I'm sorry I--" Kuroo began, but the sight in front of him made the words die in his throat. First off, the guy he'd bumped into wasn't even looking at him. The guy didn't seem concerned in the least bit that he'd just been nearly mowed over, but not only that, he wasn't the only one blocking Kuroo's path.

The greenhouse was surrounded by eight or ten guys, all pushing and crowding to get a glimpse of...something. Kuroo wasn't really sure.

"Uh, excuse me," Kuroo tried, but all he managed to do was nudge a few guys out of the way as he fought to get to the entrance. No one paid him the slightest mind, no glances, no complaints, nothing.

What the hell?

As he neared the front of the pack, he could hear muffled voices, accompanied by hushed whispers.

"Do you need help? I'll do anything you need me to do!"

"I need you to leave!"

"Can I carry those for you?"

"Wow, you're pretty..."

"No I don't need help! God, you morons, go away! Snap out of it!"

Huh? Tsukki?

Something burned in Kuroo's chest, a mix of jealousy and worry. Was something wrong with Tsukki? He finally pushed past the last few people, not caring about his manners anymore as he used his strength to move in the sea of guys. He came face to face with his blond, who looked downright exasperated. It was...cute, but Kuroo filed the thought away for later. When Tsukishima caught sight of him, he tensed up instantly, his delicate features etched with worry.

The protectiveness in Kuroo surged.

He grabbed Tsukishima's shoulders, pulling him close. He sent a few glares out into the group of onlookers for good measure, upset they weren't giving Tsukishima ample room. What the hell were they doing at the greenhouse anyways?

"Hey, is everything alright? Did something happen?" Kuroo asked, looking Tsukishima up and down as he prevented the dudes from moving closer.

But as the words left his mouth, something changed. The air around them stilled for a brief second, and then in the next, everyone was moving away. It was like time had stopped and jump started right before him, and Kuroo shook his head from the feeling.

He looked around as the crowd of guys began to wander off, looking confused and massaging their temples. A few stopped to apologize for being weird, but otherwise, they all quickly dispersed.

In his grip, he felt Tsukishima exhale deeply, and Kuroo's eyes locked on him once again.

"What...was that about?" Kuroo asked, not trusting his perception of things after all that. "Were they...hitting on you or something?"

Somehow even that inference felt wrong. Kuroo did not know what the fuck was going on, but going off what he heard, it was his best bet.

In a flash, Tsukishima found his voice, and the blond shrugged, though the movement wasn't natural in the slightest. "Yeah there was uh...a broken window in the greenhouse, I didn't notice and I dropped some stuff so...those guys heard and offered to help, but it was fine," Tsukishima said, his breathing still not quite even. The blond's fingers twitched at his sides, and his shoulders were far too stiff for the nonchalance he was trying to force.

"Why were you telling them to leave then?" Kuroo asked, squinting at the hole in one of the nearby windows.

"Well, they helped clean up but after, some of them started to flirt with me, and so I was getting annoyed," Tsukishima said, and it was believable, funny even. Of course the blond would get angered by all the attention. It made Kuroo happy to hear too, knowing Tsukishima wasn't interested in anyone else.

"Are you sure?" Kuroo had to make sure, he was still trying to navigate Tsukishima's nervous ticks and personality traits, and he seemed like the type to potentially bottle things up. Kuroo wanted to make sure everything was truly fine, he wanted to be there for Tsukishima in any and every way.

Man, you are whipped.

Whatever.

"Positive," Tsukishima breathed, smiling softly in a way that completely destroyed Kuroo's thought process. Seriously, his heart probably stalled for a few beats, but it was the best feeling ever.

And well, Kuroo had no reason to question Tsukishima, though he remained sort of tense. Maybe all the attention had just made him flustered, or maybe Tsukishima had a stressful day in his classes. Whatever the reason, he knew Tsukishima would tell him the truth eventually.

Kuroo smiled, brushing off the weird feeling in the back of his mind. "As long as no one was bothering you too much, that's good. I thought I'd have to deck someone."

Tsukishima snorted at that, giving Kuroo a playful shove before locking up the greenhouse. "Not necessary. And if it had been, I would've done it myself."

"I don't doubt it," Kuroo said with a grin, pocketing his phone. Pictures would have to happen later. "Are you ready to go?"

Kuroo was already grabbing Tsukishima's hand, watching their fingers interlock gently, a perfect fit. The blond nodded, and they fell into step easily, eager to get home and share the evening together.

Kuroo hadn't gotten to take any pictures in the end, but the smiles on Tsukishima's face made up for it.

--

See, dating Tsukishima was a dream. There was just one thing, one little thing, which Kuroo couldn't help but find strange...

He hadn't noticed it at first. It hadn't come up, hadn't even made itself known. But ever since the greenhouse incident, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off.

Every once in a while, he'd find one or two guys crowded around Tsukishima, obsessively so. Tsukishima would eventually chase them off, or Kuroo would, but it was getting more and more frequent.

Tsukishima was attractive, incredibly so. It didn't surprise Kuroo to see him get hit on, though his blood still boiled with every encounter. But this...this was weird. It's like the guys had no self control or care in the world when they did it. Hell, Kuroo had even seen some guys he knew had girlfriends or boyfriends, shamelessly flirt with Tsukishima.

It was getting stranger by the day.

Not to mention the fact that Kuroo had found out about Tsukishima's countless singing awards from grade school. Ribbons, plaques, small trophies, the whole thing. All first place. Now again, Kuroo was totally enamored with Tsukishima, like wow, it was nearly intoxicating how stupid in love he was getting. But Tsukishima was not a good singer. He was probably the worst singer Kuroo had ever heard in his life. It wasn't him being malicious, he was simply stating a fact. He respected Tsukishima's love of singing, and would let him do so whenever he wanted, but it was the truth. The blond had a horrid voice, so how in the hell did everyone love his singing?

Kuroo...may or may not have started asking people. From people he'd seen hitting on Tsukishima, to mere acquaintances, Kuroo couldn't help it.

"Oh yeah, I don't remember much about talking to him, it's kinda fuzzy, but I definitely remember him being a good singer!"

"Oh yeah man, his voice is like an angel's or something!"

"The best choir performances were the ones Tsukishima participated in! It's a shame he doesn't anymore though..."

"Oh yeah, he was at my elementary school. Great voice."

Kuroo's head flopped down onto his dining table, causing Oikawa to jump as he cooked in the kitchen. Kuroo groaned loudly, his hands coming up to tangle in his unruly hair. "It doesn't make sense...maybe I'm crazy. Or tone deaf. Something."

Kuroo's head shot up when Oikawa settled across the table from him, those chocolate eyes boring into him warily. Gradually, Oikawa picked up his utensils, trying to eat his stir fry without breaking eye contact with Kuroo, like Kuroo was some sort of lunatic.

"Kuroo...I'm starting to get worried. You've been sitting here for like...an hour, babbling at the wall," Oikawa said, mouth full. "Whatever it is you're thinking, you're probably just being paranoid."

"I'm not though! C'mon, isn't it a little weird?" Kuroo asked, throwing up his hands. He could hear loud footsteps above him, no doubt those of Tsukishima's roommate, and he willed himself to lower his voice. The walls were thin in this shithole.

"What, that people think your boyfriend can sing? Big whoop," Oikawa said. "He can't be that good, I'm sure people agree with you. It's a taste issue."

"You don't get it Oikawa, something's off about it. It's like I'm missing something," Kuroo continued, his voice a harsh whisper. "Think about it. Everyone else thinks his singing is amazing, but I somehow can't appreciate it? Me? His boyfriend? And not only that, he gets hit on all the time, in the weirdest ways. It's like people can't help themselves!"

At that, Oikawa cackled, and Kuroo was two seconds away from punching him. "He can join the club then. I get hit on all the time, or I used to anyways..." Oikawa sighed dramatically, holding up his hand and showing off his shiny engagement ring.

Fucker.

"It's not the same, I don't know," Kuroo tried to reason. "You have to see it. It's like they're possessed."

All of a sudden, Oikawa's plate clanged from the force of having chopsticks crash against it, and Oikawa shot up from his seat, mouth agape and his mind obviously running a mile a minute. "Oh my god! Do you know what this sounds like?!"

Oikawa's hands were beating against their shitty table, and Kuroo thought it might actually break this time. Oikawa's gaze was intense and menacing, practically begging Kuroo to have whatever revelation had just occurred to him.

"Uh...what?" Kuroo replied, not bothering to hide how dumb he was feeling.

Oikawa scoffed, rolling his eyes and immediately retreating to the living room, where their two unstable bookcases sat. He then proceeded to completely fuck them up.

Books were flying left and right, and soon they littered the floor, half open and pages bent from Oikawa's fury. The brunet continued to rifle through the shelves, throwing out anything unsatisfactory in a blink of an eyes as he continued his search. Oikawa was ruthless in every area of life it seemed. God help the school librarians.

"Hey I spent hours organizing that last week!" Kuroo yelled over the clamor, but all he received was an unimpressed stare. Yeah fine, not the coolest thing to say, but he valued some order goddammit.

"Shut it Kuroo, I'm trying to help you," Oikawa said as more books hit the floor. Eventually, Oikawa pulled a large, tattered looking guidebook from the top shelf, his face lighting up in triumph. "I found it!"

Not wasting a second, Oikawa was back at the dining table before Kuroo could even reply, slamming the book down.

Mythology and Tales of Old, was written in spiraling bronze on the front cover, the color dulled from years of use. It was a decent sized book, but Kuroo had yet to see what knowledge it had to offer. Myths were myths, as in, they weren't real.

Before Kuroo could make the point though, Oikawa was already flipping from the table of contents to the correct page, his fingers deft and his movement purposeful. As he turned to the page he needed, a bit of dust blew up into the air, but the brunet paid it no mind, moving around the table until he was seated next to Kuroo.

"I knew it would pay off to keep this book! I took that mythology class in my first year, and I still remember a lot of stuff! What you were saying sounded familiar, and naturally, I was right," Oikawa said a gleam in his eyes before pointing at the book. "Look!"

Kuroo glanced at the page, noting the darkness of the illustration. It was of a ship full of men, being lured to their doom by the voices of beautiful women. At the top of the page, the word 'Sirens' stood out in bold, black print.

"Sirens," Oikawa began to read, "were beautiful but dangerous creatures that lured sailors to their deaths with their beautiful and enticing songs, and would often cause the ships to crash on the reefs near their island. Siren songs were said to be heavenly and impossible to resist, making even the loyalest and strongest men lose their free will."

Below the description were more facts about references to the sirens in literature, or other variations of the myth, but Kuroo didn't care to hear more. Oikawa was being ridiculous.

"My boyfriend is not a siren Oikawa," Kuroo said, closing the book, much to Oikawa's annoyance. "First off, he's not a woman, and second, there's just no way."

Oikawa rolled his eyes, clutching the book tight against his chest. "So close minded Kuroo. This book was written by humans. Humans don't know shit. There could totally be male sirens. And admit it, it would make sense."

"No it wouldn't! If Tsukki was a siren, shouldn't I think his voice is incredible too? Isn't that how it works?" Kuroo asked, pacing the floor of their apartment.

Oikawa's face twisted, combing his mind for a possible reason, but in the end he came up with nothing. "Maybe you're an exception."

Kuroo laughed, flopping down onto the couch in defeat. "Is there such a thing?"

"Who knows..." Oikawa moved back to the living room, his movements slow as he began to pick up the array of books he'd displaced. As much as Kuroo was happy to see Oikawa not be right for once, he couldn't help but be disappointed. He still had no clue what was going on, or if he was overthinking things.

Something felt off, but maybe he was imagining it? Either way, all he wanted was to forget about it, and maybe go visit Tsukishima. Source of the confusion or not, the blond always had a way of making Kuroo's problems feel less heavy.

As Oikawa finished putting the books away, Kuroo thought their conversation was over, and made a move to lift himself off the couch.

He was wrong.

"It can't be helped," Oikawa sighed, causing Kuroo to freeze mid step. "We're just gonna have to test it."

Kuroo's eyes widened, but as always, Oikawa didn't wait for him to catch up. Phone in hand, Oikawa sent out a flurry of texts before grabbing his notebook (Kuroo called it his 'evil plan' notebook, so yeah, this was not good).

"Wait...we can't just...how are you--"

Oikawa cut Kuroo off with a groan, his hand still scribbling notes a mile a minute. "Kuroo, you may not believe it, but I know you. If you don't eliminate all the possibilities, you're going to get obsessive. So, let's just prove me wrong, even though I'm not, so you can move on yeah?"

U g h.

Kuroo whined, and Oikawa must've taken it as a 'go for it' because he promptly returned to his notebook.

The worst part was, he was probably right. Not about the siren thing, that was bullshit. But about Kuroo needing to exhaust all potential explanations, stupid or not. Oikawa put this siren idea in his head, so now they'd have to see it through, or Kuroo would never have peace of mind.

Leaving Oikawa to his planning, Kuroo went to his room, deciding he needed a serious nap before he did anything else.

Whatever Oikawa had up his sleeve, Kuroo only hoped it didn't mess up what he had with Tsukishima, or make him look like a total idiot. But as his eyes started to drift closed, the weird feeling in the back of Kuroo's head seemed to grow, seeping into every thought and dream he had.

[skeletorific]

hi !!! okay, so how would ut, uf sans deal with an s/o who is generally upbeat and happy just shutting down after an argument with them and a few days later the s/o, after making up with them, just passes out bc apparently they haven't been eating enough for days?

Okay but for the record this scenario would be fucking terrifying with HT!Sans and I might actually write that later

Also I’m writing this under the assumption that the s/o is not anorexic per se but has struggled with symptoms of stress starvation in the past

UT!Sans: Yeah, he’s worried when you shut down. You two don’t argue much, Mostly cause there’s not much that really pisses him off enough to get shouting about. But he’s pretty fast on cooldown.

But you don’t seem quite ready to be around him again. The fact that you just withdraw like that…..its worrisome, but he wants to give you your space. Let you come to him when you’re ready. Yeah, its weird seeing you like this, but hey, can’t be upbeat all the time. You’ll figure it out.

Then, about three days later, you approach him on the couch while he’s watching TV. Its late, Papyrus is already in bed. He notices you look tired, a little pale. “Uh…..look, I’m sorry.” You said, sitting down next to him. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.” 

“‘sokay.” He says. “I’m sorry too.”

You smile, a little too wanly for his tastes. “Bone buddies?”

A slow grin spreads across his face. “Bone buddies.” He wraps an arm around you and presses his teeth to your cheek. You smile and lean contently against his shoulder, watching the show with him.

After a few minutes you start to get up for something and then suddenly slump back against the couch, colliding with his shoulder.

“uh…you okay?”

“Just….just stood up too fast.” You try again only to stop.

He pushed himself off the couch a little bit. “Dizzy?”

You nodded weakly. 

“When was the last time you ate?”

Suddenly a slight flush crept into your cheeks and your head turned away. “Uh…..a couple hours ago?”

“……babe.”

“Maybe……maybe yesterday morning.” You said quietly.

His eyes widened. Yesterday…..you hadn’t eaten in about 36 hours. Swallowing hard and trying to keep calm, he stands up, hooking an arm around your waist and pulling you to your feet. “Alright, come on. Should be some leftovers in the kitchen.”

Its not much, just a tupperware of one of Papyrus’ more edible attempts at pasta. But you devour it without so much as a grimace, eating in a way that makes his soul pang. Why had you…..Was this a stress thing? Or….was it guilt?

He checks up on you a lot over the next few days, always with some food he just “happened” to have on him. He doesn’t want to drag the others in, make this some kind of production. But this isn’t the first time his negligence has gotten in the way of making sure someone he cared about was okay. He’s gonna hover just a bit. And if this happens again, you and him are having a serious talk about this.

UF!Sans: Oh, so you’re ignoring him now? Fine, act like a child if you want. If you’re waiting around for him to apologize you’ve got another thing coming, sugar.

Well, that’s his stance the first day at least. The second he’s more worried than anything. You’re usually so…..happy. So unbothered by anything. The positivity that kind of balances him out. If you’re still that bothered by what he said…..he may have fucked this up.

the third day he finally shows up outside your door. The second you open it he pulls you into a deep kiss. “sorry.”

Your face goes redder than his magic but you let him in. “I’m sorry too.”

His shoulders relax noticeably and the two of you just hang out for a bit. Going back and forth. As you talk he starts noticing little things. You seem a little out of it. Sometimes you’ll lose track of what you’re saying and have to start over. You ask him to repeat himself half a dozen times. You’re moving slower than normal, like you’re planning each step.

The clincher comes when you go for a glass of water and drop the glass. Its plastic, so the worst is water everywhere, but it sprays on his leg and he curses.

“Sorry, sorry…” You kneel down with a towel to mop it up. As your knees hit the ground your head sways a bit and your eyes slide out of focus. Your head tilts forward, forward…..and you catch yourself, shaking your head and mopping it up.

He crouches down next to you, examining your face. “you feelin okay?”

You shake your head. “Just a bit dizzy. That’s what the water was for.”

“you don’t look okay”

You look up, a sarcastic response on your lips, before your world went black.

You wake up on the couch with him shaking you. “WAKE UP, C’MON.”

“Sans, Sans!” You shout, getting him to stop. You put a hand over your forehead, closing your eyes tight. A massive heache was taking hold. “I’m fine, I-”

“don’t give me that, you just passed out-”

“i told you, I was just dizzy!”

“You look like yer dyin, have you been eating?!”

Your voice dies in your throat.

“Have you?”

You look to the side, trying to sound convincing. “Yeah….”

“doll”

Tears fill your eyes and you bite your lip.

Fainter than a whisper it comes out.

“No…”

The next few days he doesn’t leave your house, forcefeeding you if he has to. All else fails he’s calling his brother to make lasagna. He doesn’t want to do this to you. Don’t force his hand.

He’s pissed, somewhat at you, mostly at himself. Don’t think you’re getting out of this without a long conversation about exactly why you did this

Yeah, he’s going to react a little too strongly. But he’s worried. Really, really worried. He’s got to be able to be sure you’re safe so he can sleep at night.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

HELLO JOURNAL!

im doing better! I made a few mistakes today but it’s okay bc i own up to it! i chose to stay up late last night with jason and help him with his homework and honestly, i think my crush is going away, haha. mostly bc i was trying to give him advice last night and he just kept brushing it off and avoiding the problem. i also found out hes really bitter. i think it’s partly a result of angela’s attitude and her influence bc hes normally so selfless and grateful. thats part of the reason why i took a liking to him in the first place. but now hes just so bitter and i didnt really know what to say. i guess my words came off like a lecture. but i was just frustrated bc he seemed so unhappy with his situation but wasnt willing to do anything about it or own up to the problems at hand. and this is definitely me being swayed by my emotions and i want to process this and approach this in a more loving, compassionate, and understanding way. i know it sucks when the community feels cliquey and toxic and i really dont know what to say to him. i would be lying if i said i didnt want to leave bc of that last semester. but God showed me clear signs to stay and invest so i will. and it’s been tough but I trust that I am doing good work here. Earl keeps offering his church to me but I’m sticking with Lakeview. At least for now. I know that I am called to be here and maybe that will change in the future but for now, this is where God wants me to be and I intend to carry out His will. But I don’t think Jason had that calling. He just came and stayed bc it’s where he was introduced and by default, convenient. I don’t want him to leave bc I think he has a lot to give, especially regarding his unique experiences in a “worldly lifestyle” that many of us lack an understanding/exposure of. But I trust in you God. I think the best thing to do is to just genuinely pray for him.

Dear God,

I do really care about Jason as a friend and it’s been pretty rocky for him. But I remember how excited he was to share his life with me when we met up for bibimbap last time and it was so encouraging. He’s so selfless and cares so genuinely for others and I know that you are going to use those gifts in really powerful ways for your Kingdom. And I am so excited for him! But right now, he isn’t doing too well and you know his heart better than anyone. I think he is secretly longing for you but keeps falling victim to the temptations of the world and is just too afraid to face the reality of the situation. But I pray that you will warm his heart and let him know that you are here. Not even just near. You are here. Within his heart. And you’re never letting go. I don’t want Jason to think or assume we’re going to judge him for his negative habits. I like to think that I’m pretty understanding of that kinda stuff but the truth is, I’ve never done it either and I’m still a prude at the end of the day. But I don’t have any room to judge and I just really pray that he doesn’t feel so ashamed of his own habits and mistakes and even if he doesn’t feel comfortable coming forward and telling us, I pray above all else that he feels and knows that he can always come to you. You love to unconditionally and recklessly, Lord. And I pray that he would know that too.

I pray all this in your name,

Amen.

I only walked 7k steps yesterday and I was pretty disappointed :( I woke up just as the train was leaving the 47 red line station and decided to take the 55 bus from the next stop, Garfield instead. And the bus came quickly which was nice. A man and his daughter sat across from me and we generally minded our own business. And I don’t know if I was afraid of being judged or rejected or if I was just too tired and half awake, but once they got off, I saw a bag of food left behind and wanted to ask if it belonged to them. But I was too slow. So I got off at the next stop instead and started running back. I do wish I ran faster or just continued to run so that I could’ve caught them but I didn’t. I was admittedly a little nervous venturing into the area but I just kept praying in my mind for God to protect me and lo and behold, He came through! I didn’t end up finding them but left the bag at a soup kitchen and posted a status on Facebook trying to spread word instead. I don’t know why I did it. Was it to prove that I’m a good person to myself or Jason? Was it to make me feel good? i don’t know. But what matters is that I did it. I got off that bus when I could have just as easily stayed and let someone else deal with it and just gone home. I knew that I really wanted to do my laundry tonight too and walking home just delayed the whole process. But I did it anyway and got my steps in as I walked home. I could’ve taken the bus but I really wanted to push myself. The only thing is, it was super humid. But I did my best not to complain and just keep on forging on ahead. And I did it! I got way more extra steps in and I was pretty proud of myself. I’m finally catching up to my other friends on the map! >:D Hehehehe. 

Oh, also, on my way home, Edgar sent me a funny gif of a giraffe and hoped that my day would get better. I’m still not really sure what prompted that message but it was nice. I thought about my few mishaps and it helped me realize that I have grown. I would’ve definitely complained about my misfortunate immediately and documented it via snapchat in the past but i didn this time. i just owned up to it and moved on. i was lowkey freaking out that i hadnt actually grown at all while thinking on the bus ride home and pulled out my phone to distract me instead. but that message from Ed was a nice reminder and sign from God that I have changed and grown and become a better person.

I saw James Kang’s insta today and his post about how this past year has really sucked but how he continues to have faith in the Lord and I’m genuinely happy he’s doing well. And I only want to take the time to apologize to him for my behavior during high school. I was so judgmental, and quick to make assumptions at that. And I ruled with an iron fist. I didn’t know what he was going through or what his life had entailed. I just assumed it was sheltered and well off like everyone else but that doesnt seem to be the case, esp according to what he wrote about. And I do want to be there for him. Really. I’m very sorry James. And I can’t promise that I won’t judge or act out again because I’m still growing and am not yet in a place so stable where that is a firm possibility. But I want to continue to try and get there. Please support me along the way.

Jason messaged me while I was typing this earlier and I was surprised to see him make the first message instead of me always trying to get a response out of him. And I was glad but the butterflies I previously would’ve felt were significantly quieter. I think I’m basically over it at this point. But I do still want to be there for him as a friend. And I’m not so worried that I’m going to accidentally replace Angela either. I think I was before bc I liked him in a romantic way and did want something more but not anymore. Now I just want to be a good friend for him.

And finally, I finally asked for Andrew’s advice regarding how to approach taking care of my friends from HS since theyre all pretty depressed Especially Jude and Keylee and I don’t know what to do to help. And he basically just said to be there for them and continue to offer help, support, and encouragement. Even if it feels like it isn’t working, I never really know what’s going on in their heads and it could be making a difference. Lowkey, I was pretty afraid that Jude was going to kill herself and could not even begin coming to terms with that horrendous future. But I want to be there for her bc she means a lot to me and deserves the best. She’s led a pretty shitty life thus far just as a result of her mom and family life and it really breaks my hear whenever I see her view herself so poorly. But I hope that at the very least, I can continue to be there for her.

Thank you God.

I pray this all in your name, Amen.

P.S. I finished choreographing “My God is Powerful”! Or mostly at least. I want to film and watch how the moves flow with the song and then send that to Jenny. I was going to do that tonight but it’s already 12:14am now and I texted Michaela to see if she was a mistake so as to not disurb her and she never responded so she probably is. Hopefully I can wake up early tomorrow morning, do the dishes, and film the video. It’s unlikely but it’s what I’m hoping for.