#I’ve been in that category pretty much my whole life no matter what I ate

[sloppysequinz]

Just opened an insurance claim summary and discovered that some medical professional decided that they needed to put “MORBID (SEVERE) OBESITY DUE TO EXCESS CALORIES” front and center as a diagnosis and now I feel like shit 🙃✌🏻

[otterskin]

Pet Peeves in Thor Stuff

Inspired by a few posts doing this, so thought I’d vent and get it out here.

1. MCU Loki’s Name

I don’t care what the fan-run wikis say. All the official MCU material, including the text of the actual movies themselves, call him Loki Odinson or, for a brief period, Loki of Asgard. Loki Laufeyson is the name of a character from Marvel comics, and him having that name makes sense for that character’s backstory, which is very, very different from ‘adopted at birth and a late discovery’ MCU Loki. Incidentally, Norse Mythology Loki is not Loki Laufeyson, he’s Loki Laufeyjarson, which is a matronym because Laufey is his mother in most Norse Myths.

Loki in Thor 1 was Loki Odinson, Avengers was Loki of Asgard, and he certainly seemed fond of Odin again in Ragnarok and officially reclaimed the title Odinson in IW. He’s called Odinson over and over again in official Marvel publications such as the illustrated dictionary. Please stop using the wrong name. It’s weird and wrong to assume his name MUST default to his birth-father’s upon discovery of adoption, no matter what he’d been called his whole life. Especially when I think it’s pretty clear that Loki vehemently rejects any relationship with that namesake. He literally murdered Laufey to prove to Odin he had only one father, I don’t know how he could be more clear about his preferences.

And yes, I do think that this invalidates the fan-wikis as good sources of information. If they can’t get a name right, you probably shouldn’t trust anything in the article below it. Stick with canon publications.

2. The Transformation Spell

And heck, while we’re on this page, yes, the spell keeping Loki Asgardian is Odin’s. I don’t mind fanfic that posits a different origin, because hey, we’re just trying to have fun here, do what you want and I’ve probably read a lot of it already - but this is the canon explanation, please stop messaging me to tell me I’m wrong when I say it’s Odin’s spell doing it. Also, the reason it didn’t break when Odin died is because magic can outlive the caster, as Doctor Strange said. This ain’t the Phantom Menace.

(Incidentally, this dictionary is fun and even has entries for Huginn and Muninn!)

3. Step-brothers and Half-brothers are different things and neither is correct for Thor and Loki’s relationship. Nor is Odin Loki’s step-father.

I don’t see this in the Thor Fandom much, it’s more in articles and reviews I’ve read, but it’s kinda appalling how people don’t know the difference between brothers, step-brothers, half-brothers, and blood-brothers. Not being sure who your second cousin twice removed is I get, but I would hope that these are much more commonly understood. Just to get it off my chest, even though I’m sure no-one reading has ever thought different -

Step-brothers are when two unrelated families are joined by marriage. The children share no biological parents, but their parents are married. Unless Odin married Laufey at some point, he is not Loki’s step-father, and Thor is not Loki’s step-brother. (I mean, Odin’s had a long and probably very interesting and mysterious life, so I suppose it’s POSSIBLE he had a real bender at one point, but even if he had a Vegas wedding to the King of the Frost Giants and then decided to throw away the ring as if nothing had happened, the relationship he has with Loki has always been identified as ‘Father’).

Half-brothers are when children share one biological parent, but not two. So unless that bender with Laufey got REALLY crazy, Loki is not Thor’s half-brother either.

Blood-brothers - So some people will use this phrase to refer to people who are related by blood, but that’s sort of an older phrase. However, for most elementary school kids and in the context of Norse Mythology, it has another meaning - two people, unrelated by birth, who undergo a ceremony that involves blood mixing as an oath of brotherhood. Norse-Myth Loki is usually depicted as blood-brothers with Odin (and, in a few rare stories I read, with Thor, instead, but that’s a long story about how Thor was slowly starting to replace Odin as chief patriarch and therefore subsuming a lot of his traits and relationships). However, in the MCU, neither of these meanings currently applies to Thor and Loki. They are not blood related, and they’ve not undergone any blood oath ceremony either (although you can bet your briskets I’d LOVE to see that and it’s been in my general prediction box/wish-list since 2011. Imagine how happy it’d make us to see Thor and Loki choose to have their relationship, rather than feeling like it was Odin’s decision and they’re just living with it.).

Brothers - if in doubt about any brotherly relationship, just say this and you won’t be wrong. Thor and Loki are brothers, or adopted brothers, full stop. So no more step-half-blood nonsense.

And to be clear, if you’re writing fanfic that re-imagines this relationship, this is in no way directed at you. I’m more venting at the dearth of articles, presumably written by university graduates with an English degree, who can’t seem to keep this straight.

4. Brother is a Proper Noun

While I’m on this brother train, a small grammatical note - ‘Father’, ‘Mother’, and ‘Brother’, if being used in place of a name, are proper nouns, which means they’re capitalized.

Ex. “Stop smearing your booger on my shirt, Brother.”

It’s not capitalized if it’s not being used in place of a name, but is simply referring to the noun.

Ex. 2 “My brother once ate a whole goat without noticing it was still alive.”

Ex. 3 “I never knew we had a sister.”

Sorry, sorry - but I see this mistake a lot while I’m reading and I daresay I make it myself all the time!

5. Frigga isn’t perfect

Real talk, one of my least favourite tropes in fiction is ‘Woman on a Pedestal’. I really feel it denies female characters agency if they’re made out to be perfect lovely angels loved by everyone. I’ve read a ton of great fics that explore the flaws Frigga is suggested to have in the MCU but never got the screen time to deal with, and they are some of my favourites. I’ve also read a ton where she’s endlessly patient, wise, righteous, and oh-so-much-better than that heartless Odin or oaf Thor, if only she’d been in charge the whole time, nothing would have gone wrong! It’s a matter of taste and I’d never tell anyone to not write what makes them happy, but I really do think Frigga’s a better character when you engage with her mistakes and oversights and less-than-noble aspects. Women in the MCU have really gotten a short shaft when it comes to character arcs, flaws, and general humanity. Almost all the mothers are on pedestals in it, and with that comes a lack of introspection. Frigga could be argued to be in that category, but at least there is some material to suggest her imperfections that can be exploited. (Unlike Quill and Stark’s mothers, say.)

I leave it up to everyone to interpret the character for themselves, but for me her weaknesses are that she

tends to deflect blame for her choices onto others, particularly Odin.

sometimes acts to smooth things over without really acknowledging hurt, either caused or experienced.

has a manipulative streak and isn’t afraid to leverage her sons’ affection for her to get them to do what she wants, which is often ‘smoothing things over’.

probably spoiled her kids a bit

has an allergy to giant knives

Personally I like these things about her. They come from her life as a peace-maker, both in her role as a politician and a Queen and in her role in the family. She’s loyal, clever, witty, a confidant, and had the best scene in Endgame by a long mile. Frigga is the mom we’ve seen the most of, and I would love to see more in any form.

AH.... that felt good. I might do another post on my problems with how Thor is sometimes portrayed, but that’s a whole other, very personal, thing. Thanks for reading this dumb thing.

[feckin-zicons]

that's why i hate larries, i hate them with all my heart. besides being boring they are hypocrites 🙄

Hey nonnie, sorry its taken me so long to reply but if you’re following me you know I’ve been travelling lately and have been more scatterbrained than usual. Not that I’m ever not scatterbrained, but its been just a little crazier than usual!

Now I wouldn’t go as far to say I hate Larries. After all their delusions can be pretty funny sometimes!

Joking aside, I don’t hate Larries, I love Larries, I’m a Larry, so I really hesitate to tarry the whole group with the same brush. However I do strongly agree with you that there are those who are complete hypocrites. Nothing annoys more more than when Larries ™ treat the other boys, other celebrities, their friends and even family as one more side character to the Larry Show.

In particular when Larries ™ flood comment sections asking or in some cases, ordering people to confirm rumors/the couple being together. The absolute fucking disrespect. Not just because they’re flooding comment sections in videos streams, tweets, what have you, that sometimes have nothing to do with the couple in question, but because its presumptuous and rude as fuck to think they’re owed a coming out- just because they’re fans of the boys.

Stop it. Thats fucking ugly as hell.

While I have no doubt all the boys will one day be out (as referenced by their continued efforts in fighting the closet. I don’t get the sense the boys will just stop at being freed from their contractual obligations). It should and will be on their own terms. Provided they’re not forcibly outed some other way.

Coming out is a deeply personal experience and no one, no one ever, has the right to out someone else. I’ll never not be absolutely furious at the Larries ™ who posted about having ‘receipts’ that would out the boys. Which… tbh weren’t receipts at all but thats a whole other story. I’m also still angry at the reactions after Liams Attitude spread that wouldn’t have been as bad if not for the entitled fandom that peddled ridiculous claims beforehand about Liam confirming Larry to be real.

I mean… What the actual fuck. Setting aside the fandom experience of the time, and boy was it an experience. What right would Liam have confirming Louis and Harry’s relationship? I mean, get some perspective? It doesn’t help that a lot of fandom adults were the ones coming up with, and reblogging those theories and the younger fans ate it up. It would have made more sense for Louis and Harry to do it but idk maybe I’m still out of touch for thinking so. I mean, it felt like every other week someone was talking about Larry coming out. It was such a shit storm oh my god.

Biggest issue I still have with them is that the entitled behaviour hasn’t stopped. For some it seems like, Larry coming out is it for them. Like pack it up, goodbye, shows over, Louis and Harry are gay and in a relationship and everything is rainbows, we get to see cute pictures of them and everyone lives happily ever after.

Yeah, no. Coming out, for anyone, is just the beginning, can’t even begin to imagine what its like for them. They’re still going to need everyones support, and it irritates me that for some fans it seems so fucking conditional.

Time and time again, I’ve seen tweets, and posts, and videos, whatever, going on about Larry coming out and it reads like a fucking wattpad story. Not just that but its always on the assumption by the poster, on the off chance they consider the other 3/5ths of the band and Ziam being a possibility, that Larry will come out first?

What?

I’m sorry but, what?

Everything I’ve seen from the boys tells me they’re all in this together, they support each other and are working through the bullshit as a team. We have all seen the No Judgement music video yes? The merch, posts, double speak etc referencing each other, yes?

I mean, I suppose if you only look at Louis and Harry, like so many do, sure. Only Larry matters, everyone else is a side character in their life.

(Lemme just, scream for a second).

However, that kind of thinking leads them to the wrong conclusions. Like… assuming the SBB/RBB countdown was attributed to nothing, when it counted down to Liam finally being free of Sophia. In the years since, I’ve seen Larries ™ backtrack on claiming the bears had anything to do with the boys, that they weren’t behind it at all, or that they were just trolling the fandom.

You know, despite all the proof otherwise, and some really, really good posts breaking down clues about what the boys were trying to tell us. The moment something might not actually be about Louis and Harry its like all their thinking shuts off. Its frustrating. Really fucking frustrating.

Seriously, fans of the other boys as individulas, not just Ziams, have been talking about the stunts too and how they fit together. Its why we tend to be right, because we’re considering the entire group. They’re still a group. They’re not free until all of them are free.

Just for that Nialls coming out first. Lmao. I’ll call it now. Lets go Niall, whens the baby coming. We all wanna know. Its been years.

Imagine, imagine! Acting like coming out is some race to be won. The fucking audacity.

Go outside and touch fucking grass you absoulte ninny.

I get it, you want to be vindicated, you want to be rewarded for putting your faith in two celebrities being together.

Newsflash you dandelionfluff, its not a race, Louis and Harry coming out isn’t a fucking prize. Thats not what supporting a relationship looks like.

Its worse when someone admits they don’t know much about Ziam or the possibility of Niall being LGBT+, and claim they’re open to it, but then immediately tweet or reblog or sub tweet or tag comment a post or answer an ask from another Larry ™ talking about how Larries ™ are the most marginalized and persecuted group.

???

In what fucking world?

IN WHAT FUCKING WORLD?

If we wanna play that game, boohoo, the media claims Louis and Harry aren’t friends anymore because of crazy shippers. Meanwhile Zayn publicly isn’t friend with anyone and “left” the band… despite the Ziam fandom calling the stunt about either Louis or Zayn “leaving” and getting it down to the exact week (the second article coming out a week before about the Ziam kiss pretty much cemented it for Zayn leaving. Which did a lot to fan the flames of the already rabid fanbase when Ziam got two articles confirming a Ziam kiss over the years and Larry got nada. Like that actually means anything).

Not to mention Larries ™ using the hetties and management tactics against the other parts of the fandom to silence them.

Who cares what the media says anyway!  TPTB, 1DHQ, The Sun, The Mirror, Simon and his minions and their unpaid interns have used the media to split the fandom apart and it worked.

Who the fuck cares if the media calls the 1D stans delusional, you know the truth! The truth it out there and you’ve seen it! The truth is coming! Who gives a damn about what some two bit “journo” who failed out of their creative writing course writes? They get worse by the year. If it wasn’t so pathetic and hilarious I might actually feel embarrassed for them. They can’t even come up with new stories and have just taken to copying old articles, but you’re upset with them??? Give it a rest. Honestly.

The sense of disconnect, entitlement and victimhood of some Larries ™ is absolutely ridiculous.

Oh my god they’re Karens. I’m not trying to be insulting, but thats exactly who they remind me of.

I’m not going to say its a surprise to me that so many in the Ziam fandom are POC, LGBT+, and Neurodivergent and any combination of those, but I am going to say I’ve read a lot of Larry fics that just have Het sex made gay. Those in the Ziam fandom just tend to look at facts in a different way than Larries do due to their life experiences. A interfaith, interracial, relationship where one or both partners fall under the Bi umbrella (not saying Louis or Harry can’t be or aren’t Bi+ but rumors, and the way the fandom markets them, puts them firmly in the gay category) looks very, very different than gay or straight relationship. Both looking from outside and being in one. There’s just different dynamics at play that aren’t often realized or understood by the gays and hets.

Its not a bad thing. All relationships are different. The issue is that theres a lot of biphobia/racism/religious prejudice etc that arises from people being unwilling to understand the inherent differences.

Taking myself for example, I’m bi, like, bi as hell, and I don’t understand how gays and hets only like one gender. I just don’t. Can’t wrap my head around it. If someone asks me to choose one gender over the others to prefer I can’t. Its so stressful. My brain goes into panic mode and it feels like I’m being torn apart. My sense of identity is shaken- its a shit feeling. I just can’t lie to myself like that. If other people feel the same well, its no wonder bi+ have such high rates of depression and suicide. Its not about choosing who to like, there is no choice, I just feel attraction to everyone. Aces, I get. Its similar to being the opposite of what I feel, or not feeling an attraction to someone I’m not interested in. Easy. Gays and hets? I’m completely lost on.

Completely, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try and understand where they’re coming from. Its alien to me, personally, but I’m not going to shut down the fact, that theres a fuck ton of people who only like one gender or try and make up reasons as to why they’re actually bi+

I digress, none of the boys fall neatly into the gay stereotypes, its just that parts of the Larry fandom have boxed Louis and Harry into certain roles to fit preconceived notions (likely do to them initially fitting in better with the white, sassy, somewhat effeminate twink thats been plastered all over Hollywood as their “LGBT+ representation” for years. Gag), they can understand better, and only look for proof to back up their theories but don’t look at things objectively.

They really need to get out more and make some LGBT+ friends that aren’t on the internet and talk to some gay elders. They need educating that’s not the often sanitized and insulting Hollywood version, that’s all I’m saying.

They made Louis and Harry more palatable for themselves and its… really gross.

I don’t know, I don’t get it.

Some Larries ™ turned the boys into their fandom and fanfiction stereotypes when they’re so much more than that. The Sony leaks should have been enough to dissuade the fandom, and prove that the brand sold to the broader audience is just that- a brand, and yet… Niall only talks about food and golf and Ireland and is only allowed to be straight or ace. If he exists at all its just to be Capt Niall. Liams slow and dumb and depending on the day he’s either Capt Liam or a horrific abusive homophobe. Zayns just The Worst, a unstable drug addict, and the boys hate each other, and they should have kicked him out of the band sooner because he never wanted to be part of them anyway, etc.

It drives me absolutely around the bend some days. They’re real people who don’t owe anyone anything, especially not coming out.

Yes, I think they will. But they’re not obligated to. They can change their minds, I’ll support them regardless of an “official” coming out or not.

Look, a part of me gets it. They wanna be right, they wanna prove the haters wrong, they want to be able to say I called it all along! The vindication will be sweet.

But like, it takes a quick look at someone other than Louis and Harry to realize theres something hinky going on with Liam, Zayn and Niall. Please listen to their fans who have spent just as much time as you have looking into Louis and Harry compiling together evidence.

It might take a weekend to watch the ILYSM and pterodactyl bros videos and a few more hours looking into some Niall blogs, which isn’t much compared to the hours I know they’ve spent looking into Larry. At least then they’ll have enough information to form an opinion on things.

I wonder, for some, what would happen if Larry didn’t come out, or didn’t come out first, or one of the other boys was outed against their will. Because… I don’t know. It seems like some would rather just be proven right at this point.

I get it. We’re tired. Its been eleven long years. But this isn’t a television show were everything can come to a head with a s3 or s4 cliff hanger and fixed in the series finale. Its real life, and they started off as boys trusting industry veterans who never had their best interests at heart.

Iduno. I just want some Larries ™ to take a step out of the echo chamber, realize life isn’t The Larry Show & co. And especially. ESPECIALLY, that every instance were someone, friends, family, co-works, industry peeps etc support the boys they are SUPPORTING THE BOYS, NOT THE FANDOM. They are not “confirming Larry for the fans” they’re doing it to support the couple, not to cater to the fandom. Please stop confusing the two. There’s a huge fucking difference. Learn it.

[g0ldengubler]

Chapter 10 ~ Strawberry Avalanche

A/N: AAAAAAA hey besties i'm baaaaaack! honestly, i lost all motivation for a couple of months, especially because wattpad is getting censored. i was scared that this story was going to be taken down, but now i've decided to keep going. Thankfully, this series is also on here so if nauseous is taken down on wattpad it will be here safe and sound. Also shortening chapters has been a nice thought. I'm sorry this one sucks i'm kinda rusty and this is more of a filler/catch up, but we're back at it again boizzz! Also, thank you so much for over 900 followers! Really really crazy but i'm so glad you guys are enjoying my fics. And I'm really glad everyone enjoyed lunchtime! I didn't think it would get that much love as I thought that kink wasn't something others would be into so I am planning on writing more one shots with other kinks I have. Things are just about to get good in nauseous...ok anyways i love uuuuuu <3

Category: Angst (??...yeah sure we'll go with that lol)

CW: Talks of cases; talks of murder

Summary: It's time to go back to work, and oh boy are they in for a "treat"

Word Count: 1817

masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every time your alarm rang, you quote Cinderella at it, groggily saying, "Oh, that clock. Old killjoy." You hate waking up early, as sleep was such a beautiful thing in your book. When you were asleep, you were at peace, as if everything that had happened that day whether good or bad just went away. You were free in your dreams, running around like a child in a field of lavender. You had that dream here and there before you met Spencer. When the feelings for him grew over the course of a week, you started getting that dream frequently instead of waking up thinking you didn't dream or remembering a weird one. He would show up as a shadowy figure on the other side of the field and you would run over to it until you woke up once the figure turned around.

After you two made it official, the blur of the figure disappeared and turned into him. You would run as if it was the speed of light towards him, and he would turn around in a lilac colored cardigan, barely hiding the huge grin on his face. Spencer would pick you up around your waist and lift you up as he spun you around. Right before you kissed, however, you woke up. You were into the meaning of dreams, so you thought that at the right time, the kiss would happen.

As you got ready for the day, you couldn't stop thinking about the past month. You remember meeting Spencer and how your heart skipped a beat when your eyes first met in the conference room. You remember getting drunk and high with the team and how your boss was pretty much the life of the party without really meaning to. You laughed to yourself as the thought of Spencer high on edibles at Rossi's came in. He ate a whole brownie before Garcia could give a warning and once it kicked in it was hard not to laugh at his goofiness as he would only talk about Star Trek the whole night. He could've had the whole pot of spaghetti his munchies were so bad.

Garcia crept into your brain again as you got in your car. That night, instead of Spencer coming in to clean you up, it was Garcia.

With a wet washcloth in hand, she stood by the door and saw you on her bed, the laughter and voices echoing down the hall and into the room. You tried to cover yourself but she waved her hand away.

"Sugar cakes, don't worry about it," she said, walking over and sitting in front of you on the side of the bed. In a comforting way, she put a hand on your leg, rubbing it gently, "I'd be mad if it was other people on my bed going at it like rabbits. But you two? I don't seem to feel any steam coming out of my ears."

"Are you sure?" You asked, embarrassed, "I'm so sorry, Garcia."

"I'm just thankful that boy genius got laid."

The two of you laughed as she handed you the cloth. You took it and began cleaning yourself up, trying to clean what fell out onto the bed. Once you were done, Garcia gave you some advil and some water as you gave her the cloth back.

"Are you feeling ok, hun?" She asked as you were sipping on your water.

"Yeah, just a bit sore but nothing I can't handle." You hand her the glass of water back and fixed your pillows so they'd help you sit up.

"Reid is a very kind and respectful guy, Y/N," she said as she softly rubbed your leg, "I've known him since Gideon brought him on the team, I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt you."

"I see that in him," you said, "When he's not ruining me he's a total sweetheart and always open to trying new things if he wants to. He's really special to me, Penelope. I've never met someone like him. He's probably the first guy to want me for everything else, like the sex is just a bonus. Men back home were never like that."

Garcia smiled as she got up, looking down at you before leaning down and kissing the top of your head. "I'm glad you're here, Y/N. You've been the last missing puzzle piece for our team since you first walked in the conference room." Then she left, probably to let you rest.

You were still for a few minutes before you decided to try and get up. Once you were able to stand, you walked slowly out of the bedroom and back to the living room, which felt like it took you years to get to. You saw Spencer sitting on the couch next to Morgan, taking a joint from his hands. You watch as he put it to his lips and inhaled, holding it in for a sec before exhaling a big cloud out. He coughed before taking it back to his lips and took a couple more, handing it over to Jj.

As you parked in the parking garage, you remembered the butterflies you felt when his eyes caught yours. Morgan had got up and helped you walk to the couch, where you lay down with your legs on Spencer's lap. That night was so magical, but now you're back to work, dreading the amount of files that would be piled on your desk.

When you got out of the elevator to the 6th floor, you walked in the bulpin thinking you'd see Spencer at his desk, but your smile faded when you didn't. You looked around the room until you turned all the way around to the conference room, seeing all your friends in the window. You quickly-but calmly-walked up the ramp and into the room with a smile on your face, yet it went away again once you felt the room, seeing all their stern or worried faces.

"Y/L/N," said Hotch, "please take a seat."

"Is everything alright?" You ask as you sit next to Spencer. He locks his arm around yours and takes your hand in his, kissing it, knowing it was a way of his to comfort you.

Hotch was silent for a moment before he spoke. "While we were on our vacation, new cases have come to us. These cases were ones we had already solved, however."

No one spoke as he explained the two copycat cases. One was based from The Fox, a case they solved years ago, but it wasn't exact. The fox was more known for killing big families but this copycat killed small families, ones with only children. The other was one you knew all too well. A few years ago, couples were left in trunks of cars, all cut up and stabbed. You studied this case when it happened, and wrote an outstanding paper on it for class.

"We now have a copycat on our hands. This investigation will be going along while we also work on other cases. If needed, protection will be put for our loved ones. That is all. So far there hasn't been one to go to, but myself and Jj will let you know if one comes in."

With that, we all slowly walked back to your desks. Thankfully, yours was right in front of Spencer's. A part of you felt safe no matter what scenery you were in. But you still felt worried. With not being on the team for much time, you were scared for your friends. Stuff like this was part of the job, but that didn't mean you couldn't be human.

One thing was lingering in your mind the whole day...Was there a deeper connection between the two copycat cases?

~~~

Later that night, you finished your work for the day and headed home. Both you and Spencer felt too tired to do something, so you both went your separate ways. When you got home, you threw your bag and keys to a chair and fell on your couch as your dogs attacked you with love and kisses. Taking your boots off, you took your phone out and looked through your delivery apps to see if anything sounded good, but you didn't feel that hungry as you saw all the delicious options.

Remembering you had some wine on the counter, you got up and poured yourself a glass. You got changed into crewneck sweater and sweatpants that had U of M written all over it. Putting your hair up in a high ponytail, you made your way back to the couch and went through your phone, catching up on text messages from your dad, looking through memes and videos.

After a bit of time has passed, you were on your third glass and were feeling very tipsy. You turned on your speaker and went through your the music on shuffle before stumbling upon a song from high school, Strawberry Avalanche by Owl City. You hadn't listen to it or his music in years, so you decided to keep it on for old times sake. As the song got to the chorus, you felt your tipsy brain taking over, getting up from the couch and dancing along. Your furry friends-as Garcia would say-joined you as you picked up Draco's paws and gently brought him up on his back legs, while Benedict barked and went around in little circles, his eyes never leaving you.

You went to sleep after your dance party, wanting the comfort of your own bed rather than the less comfortable couch. As your children climbed on and settled down, you tried to drift off right away, wanting to go back to your dream, but you couldn't stop thinking about the deeper connection between the two cases. That feeling was bothering you beyond belief, as if it was on the tip of your tongue or right under your nose. 'They're not just copycats,' you thought, 'so then what's the other connection, if there is one?'

You sat up, letting your pillows support your back. You grabbed your notebook from the side table and pen and started writing down what you remembered from what Hotch said. They are copycats from two they have already solved. One in Detroit, the other in their own backyard. It couldn't of been anniversaries because they didn't happen on their exact days, but it could be revenge on the team.

You went deeper into the cases to feel an epiphany run through your whole body. The Fox copy killed smaller families, but the wife was left last. And in the Detroit copy, it was only straight couples and the women were stabbed the most.

This unsub was going after girlfriends and wives.

[tsarisfanfiction]

Please can I ask E, L, O and Z from the writer asks list.

Of course you can!  I’m always up for answering things :D

E. Have you ever written a crossover?

Yup!  I’ve written a handful of them actually, from my first and only bashing fic Vampire vs Shinobi (Twilight and Naruto - I have always hated Twilight) which ngl is only still up on my accounts because it’s something I’ve written and if I prune fics to only be the ones I’m currently proud of... many fics would not stay up very long.  My second-biggest fic, both in terms of wordcount and popularity, it also a crossover.  The Combat School was my twist on the super common 2012 trope “the exorcists from the manga D.Gray-Man take part in the Triwizard Tournament”, and was my first 100k word fic and I think still ranks highly if you look at Harry Potter/DGM crossovers on FFN by reviews/favourites/followers.  I think at one point it was as high as 4th but I doubt it’s that high any more.  Slightly sneaky is my TAG/Fight Rising crossover Stolen Shadows, because strictly speaking you could just call it a dragon!AU for TAG, but they’re based on the fandragons I’ve got for the Tracy boys+Thunderbirds on the site and FR does have its own category on AO3 and FFN.

I think those are my only published ones, but I do enjoy prodding at ‘what if these two ‘verses collided’ in my head so there are a few others floating around that’ll probably never be actually written, but they’re fun to play with.

L. What is your favourite fic idea that you don’t think you’ll ever write?

Oh boy, this one’s tough.  I usually try to write everything I think is worth anything, but some of them are just huge, so whether or not they’ll happen is another matter entirely.  Because I’m really bored I’ll talk about all the current ‘huge and too ambitious to probably ever finish’ ideas.  If they do end up one day happening, ah well, you heard them here first :P

Love Makes Fools (One Piece) - A retelling of the Wano Arc (most likely to be scrapped because the daydreaming I call planning happened long before the arc started so none of it is anything like how Oda’s actually shown) that’s actually a shipping fic, unusually for me.  Shachi saves Kid’s life and Kid falls in love with him, leaving Shachi to handle the Kid Pirates while the StrawHeart alliance are off doing their usual crazy shenanigans and winding Kaido up.

Fight Against the Tide (Boku no Hero Academia) - A retelling of the entire manga except it’s not Izuku that’s Quirkless, but Bakugo, and unlike Izuku, Bakugo is determined to make it on his own and turns down the offer of One for All (but still manipulates All Might into training him).  Lots of Bakugo and Mei chaos as she gives him the support gear he needs to keep up without a Quirk.

If They Never Were (One Piece) - A retelling of the entirety of One Piece (ahahah) except if Luffy never met Shanks and therefore a) never wanted to be a pirate and b) never ate the Gomu Gomu no Mi.  Follows Luffy’s adventures in the Marines, and explores what would have happened to the rest of the Straw Hats if they never met Luffy - or at least, never met pirate!Luffy.  I actually have a cast of OCs ready to go for this but this project is so ludicrously big I doubt it’ll ever be finished.

TAGxPJO thing - The Greek Gods foresaw the creation of IR and agreed with it, but there was one problem: the Tracy family are all suited to the sky, but most of the Earth is covered in water.  Cue Gordon Tracy, son of Lucille Tracy and... Poseidon!  The Tracys all know about demigods and gods and stuff but still consider Gordon their full brother, and to keep the monsters away from the powerful young demigod they ended up on the island where Poseidon could protect them (and a promise from Zeus that he won’t blast Thunderbirds out of the sky for having a son of Poseidon in them).  Chiron’s going crazy knowing there’s a demigod out there somewhere that he can’t find and train.

TAGxDCMK thing - Okay, so this one is probably my absolute favourite.  Scott sees something on a rescue that the Black Org didn’t want him to, so he got APTX’d, and TB1 got stolen.  Conan and Haibara take him in and hide him from the world (including his own family) and he joins the fight to take down the BO.  Meanwhile, the Tracys are going crazy looking for Scott.  In this AU no-one knows who IR really are, so Conan and co. don’t know Scott’s real name.  However, the Tracys are still a rich family so they’ve rubbed shoulders with the Kudos before and Scott’s met Shinichi as a kid and realises who he is.  At some point they end up going to Tracy Island?  idk, not sure where it would go after that.  And KID is involved because you can’t not involve KID.

O. Is there any fandom you’ve been into that you haven’t written fic for? Why not?

Many, usually because I’m just not inspired enough to actually write anything for them.  If they’ve got a really complex canon, or something I just can’t get my head into, I tend to not write, either.  Same with if there’s a character I can connect to enough.  Examples include Homestuck, JoJo’s Bizarre Adventures (although I do have a vague wip for a Steel Ball Run fic, actually) and Miraculous Ladybug, but I’m sure there’s more if I think harder.

Z. Post an excerpt from either your first fic or your most recent one.

Oh hell, why don’t we do both so I can cringe and cry and what I used to be like vs what I’m like now.  Going with posted only (wips are a whole other kettle of fish).

First ever posted fic, from September 2009: Unwanted (Naruto).  The opening:

There was not a sound to be heard. For once, there was no breeze caressing the emerald leaves in the forest surrounding Konoha. Not a single bird sang; nothing stirred. The bright blue sky didn't contain one cloud - the sunshine was unbroken.

A raven haired teenager stood in the heart of the wood, gazing emotionlessly at the Village Hidden in the Leaves with cold, black eyes.

"It's changed," he murmured quietly. There was a rustle behind him and his three companions appeared.

"So there's your hometown, Sasuke," the silver haired shinobi said, violet eyes inspecting the village. "It's pretty busy." He was right - they could just about make out the general hubbub of village life. The dark haired adolescent said nothing.

"What's wrong, Sasuke-kun?" the only kunoichi in the team asked, putting one hand on Sasuke's chest where his shirt was open, and the other embracing him. He shrugged her off coldly.

"Quit flirting with Sasuke you cow, Karin," the silver haired ninja told the red head.

"I'm not a cow, Suigetsu you...you..." she spluttered, unable to think of a bad enough insult.

"Shut up you two," the final member of the team said quietly, his fiery eyes glinting in the sunlight. Karin and Suigetsu quickly stopped bickering. With much trepidation, Sasuke started to walk towards the gate. He hadn't eaten for days - starving himself, pushing himself further. His vision blurred slightly, but he carried on walking. It wasn't long, however, before everything went black and he fainted.

Most recent fic, from July 2020: Grounded (Thunderbirds).  The ending:

"Scott?" Virgil sounded worried, and he opened his eyes – when he had closed them? – to look up at his worried brother. Alan and Gordon hovered nearby, and he looked at them all in turn, even John's silent hologram – his ginger brother hadn't been there when the test had started, hadn't been expected after he pointed out their holotech's range didn't reach that far. "Are you okay?"

Was he okay? He had a broken rib, was recovering from a near-fatal spider bite and its side effects of dehydration, bradycardia and hypotension, and the man who had almost killed his brothers multiple times was standing the other end of the same balcony.

But they were one step, one significant step closer to Dad.

"Yeah," he said, staring out past them, at the platform cradling the most important engine International Rescue had ever created. For the first time since that horrid trash mine day five weeks earlier, he could honestly say, "I'm okay."

I’ll leave you guys to be the judge on whether or not I’ve improved at all.  I’d like to think I have.

[autisticandroids]

2, 6, 12, 14, 27, 47.... foods questions

2. Grilled cheese or PB&J?

pbj, always. i like grilled cheese, sometimes. there are some truly delectable grilled cheese sandwiches out there. and it’s hard to beat a grilled cheese with your tomato soup on a cold night.

but peanut butter is the forbidden fruit. 

my mother is allergic to a great many things. this has influenced my taste in two ways. some of the foods she can’t eat, i have developed a serious distaste for. shellfish, salmon, most preparations of eggplant, etc. even some things which she dislikes because even though she’s not allergic to, it seems that she ought to be, like coconut, i hate.

but sometimes it went the opposite way. some of these forbidden foods - tamarind, pumpkin seeds, sesame, cherries - i covet. peanut butter is in this second category.

though i must say, i don’t usually go for jam on my peanut butter sandwiches. i tend to go elvis style, banana slices and honey. occasionally i will treat myself to a fluffernutter, a monstrosity which, if you have never lived in new england, i gleefully invite you to google.

6.  Top three cuisines?

okay. i’m officially declaring that this will be americanized versions only. i’ve traveled a lot, over the course of my life, and i’ve always eaten like a king, even in countries whose national cuisine is universally reviled. but i feel like it’s unfair to compare that way, you know? so this is gonna be just for stuff i eat in america, or make at home.

- italian food, but only the way they do it in new haven, connecticut, and surrounding areas. 

- chinese food because if you told me right now if i could never eat another bao i’d die on the spot, actually. this is also cheating a little because some of the chinese food i cook myself is a lot more like chinese-chinese food than americanized chinese food, since i’ve actually been to china and stuff, but even if i were to never cook my own chinese food again and only ate at american chinese restaurants it would still be on here.

- third is hard. third is hard. thai food? polish food? indian food? vietnamese food? it’s hard. i think i’m going to have to go with japanese food. i would be a hypocrite if i didn’t, because i just spent two hours making a passable imitation of takoyaki, with vegetarian fish chunks. 

i feel kind of odd about this, because i’ve always had the sense that americanized japanese food is even further from japanese-japanese food than most americanized cuisines, because it’s so limited in scope. like, american japanese food is pretty limited to either sushi, or trendy street food/ramen places. 

i always had the impression that, for example, while american chinese food is very americanized, and really only reflects the cuisine of guangdong, it might at least have something to do with what immigrants from guangdong were eating at home during the early waves of chinese immigration. i have similar impressions with other immigrant cuisines. but i do not have this impression with american japanese food, since it was really limited to sushi and whatever side dishes sushi places sold, and the expansion of things like ramen shops and street food in the last few years seem to be driven less by immigration and more by a rising trend of mainstream western culinary orientalism and weeabooism. so i feel like it’s probably incorrect to claim japanese food is one of my favorite cuisines since the american version of it is so limited.

also, just realized that i would die for a good banh mi right now so i’m changing my answer, vietnamese food.

12.  What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted?

you can’t go wrong with a good egg and cheese. i nearly always get an egg and cheese. they’re unbeatable.

sometimes, in a certain mood, i will get strawberry cream cheese instead. sometimes, in a very certain mood, i might get just plain cream cheese, but that’s unusual.

it really does not matter what you get on a bagel. what makes or breaks a bagel sandwich is not the filling, but the bagel itself. a good bagel could make sawdust and coffee grounds delicious, and no filling on earth can save a bad bagel. 

there are, of course, mediocre bagels in the world, but those are best treated with the same respect as ordinary sandwich bread, and filled accordingly.

14.  Favorite mug you own

i don’t own a ton of mugs, but since, i’m home with my parents right now, and they have a whole collection, i’ll give me favorite of theirs, which is my mom’s spock mug.

what makes this mug special is that it’s as big in terms of volume as a cappuccino mug without actually being one. instead of being as wide or wider than it is tall like a cappuccino mug, it has the same proportions as a normal mug, just scaled up. this makes it easier to hold, and easier to drink from, while still being fucking huge. plus, the wide mouths of cappuccino mugs when compared to their height mean that anything held in them goes cold in five seconds flat, while this mug has the upright shape of a traditional mug and so holds heat longer.

also, this mug has spock on it.

27.  What section do you immediately head for when you walk into a bookstore?

i’m not a huge bookstore person? i’m very hesitant about acquiring new material possession which have a finite term of usefulness, even moreso if i have to actually pay for them, and i am well aware that i will read most books only once, and some not at all. for actual reading material, i tend to prefer libraries or ebooks, to keep from adding more unmanageable clutter to my disastrous living space. libraries especially, since they’re free, and also i have a deadline to either read the damn book or give up on it.

in libraries, i tend to head for either the y.a. or adult genre fiction sections, since that’s what i go for, though usually when i come into a library i already have a book in mind. i also tend to head to audiobooks. i love audiobooks, they’re wonderful, i’ve gotten through so many books that way.

however, when i do go to bookstores, i don’t go to the stuff i would normally actually read. in more chain-y, new-book bookstores, i tend to go to the novelty books, the kind of stuff libraries don’t have. coffee table books with pictures of cats, comic collections, joke books. and i tend to check out the displays, see what’s up. 

i’m also way more likely to go to the nonfiction sections of these kinds of bookstores than used bookstores or libraries, for two reasons. first, because i tend to think nonfiction makes for good gifts. if you give someone a book it comes with strings attached, no matter what, but those strings are different for different kinds of books. a novel comes with an obligation to read it cover to cover, and not just read it, but enjoy it, or at least come up with an interesting opinion on its contents. a nonfiction book does not have to be enjoyable, merely informative, and it’s a lot easier to be informed by a book than to like one. plus, most of the time you don’t actually need to read the whole thing, because although they do tend to have overall arcs and maybe overarching arguments, a lot of nonfiction books can be informative even if consumed in small chunks. second, because in chain-y, new book bookstores, the nonfiction section tends to be glutted with the sort of fun, digestible pop-nonfiction that i tend to read if i must go for nonfiction, while libraries and used bookstores run more towards the drier, probably more informative but less enjoyable sort.

in used bookstores, i tend towards a different pattern. what i look for in used bookstores is stuff that’s interesting because it’s old. cookbooks, art books, fifty cent science fiction novels. i especially like very old history and social science books; near my college there was a used bookstore that had an entire shelf of psychoanalysis books, and another of histories of like, medieval european art and design, all written in like the forties. the kind of stuff that’s out of print so wouldn’t be in a new bookstore, but is probably outdated, inaccurate, useless, and unpopular, so it isn’t in too many libraries either.

47.  How do you top your ice cream?

i’m not a huge ice cream person? like, ice cream gives me a stomach ache pretty much uhhhh always. if i’m having it in my house, scooped into a bowl, i don’t generally top it with anything, ditto with stuff i get from an ice cream shop, but the most common way i eat ice cream is actually in like, bar form? like you know those dove bars, like a bar of vanilla ice cream dipped in chocolate. does that count?

i definitely like stuff mixed into my ice cream, i’m a fiend for cookie dough and brownie chunks. maybe my favorite ice cream flavor ever came from a local ice cream shop which has tragically since shut down. it was called kettle crunch and it had chocolate covered potato chips mixed in.

i guess i always get toppings at like, those trendy froyo places that go by weight and have a buffet of toppings? but honestly, when i go to those places, i rarely get any actual froyo. usually i just fill my bowl with popping boba because they always have it and i love it. i get some fruit too, and sometimes i get some of the candy, like a few gummy worms or a kit kat. but the popping boba is the star of the show.

ok now i’ve gotten distracted researching buying popping boba online. apparently it’s not hard, but it seems like a lot of the time it comes in seven pound bucket. like i could get a small amount of the common flavors, but i have just now right now discovered that there is such a thing as chocolate popping boba and i’m losing it because it only comes in seven pound buckets but i need it.

also, chilli pepper popping boba, which has the same problem, but also holy fuck.

[radiqueer]

I'm sorry if this is an intrusive question, but in your knowledge, how does ednos manifest? Both for you and people you might know. I know for a fact that my relationship with food is not fucking normal, but I don't exactly know what to make of it and...wth...

ednos stands for “eating disorder not otherwise specified” which means it reps ALL eating disorders not covered under other diagnostic criteria. most, something like 70% of eating disorders fall in this category.

MY ednos looks something like this: i have an avoidant and distressed response to food and being told to eat. i tend to delay eating for as long as possible. i’m underweight and too thin for my age+weight, but i don’t have body image issues other than a generalized gender dysphoria that can’t be solved by transition. often, i delay eating for as long as possible. often this results in headaches and chronic exhaustion, shaking hands, nausea, loss of ability to focus (compounded by adhd). for example, right now I’ve eaten food equal to one slice of toast and one cup of tea since i woke up at 9am - it’s 2:20pm as i write this. 

it’s hard for me to push myself to eat because i have adhd; executive dysfunction makes completing the steps of acquiring food difficult. i have autism and texture issues due to that which make eating a lot of food difficult. the food that i can stand, i often still need to be pushed into eating. i hate when people tell me i need to eat or gain weight and sometimes refuse to do the latter out of misery and spite. depression adds a layer of weight on top of all of this. 

fundamentally, my eating disorder is about my desire to avoid eating because i feel like it’s unnecessary, distressing, and repetitive. there’s no solution for this that i can envision.

a friend was kind enough to share their experience with me also:

my eating has definitely been disordered at times and I’ve only just now, in my thirties, gotten a handle on it

so, I grew up in a house where my mother (whom I love) was always insecure about her weight and always dieting. so the language she always used - and still uses - about food is very morality-based. some foods are ‘bad’, others are ‘good’. if you have a bad food, you’re being wicked, and even if she says it with a sort of humorous thrill, as a kid you still internalise the guilt

it was also a house where, for various reasons, we never really had any chips or chocolate or candy or snacks like that around, only basic ice cream sometimes and never soda

so the combination of this meant that, when I did encounter junk food, I’d go buckwild and compulsively stuff my face, because if it was my only opportunity to eat it, then I had to eat AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

the added result was that, if I ended up with a surplus of junk food, like from easter or christmas, I had to eat it all IMMEDIATELY, because if I ate it all at once (in my mind) then I was only being bad once, and that was therefore better than eating a little each day and being bad each day

plus, I couldn’t control myself

which was one thing when I lived at home and didn’t control the shopping, but as an adult I’d never learned self-control or how to stop eating junk when

I was full, because I’d developed a compulsion around itthe fact that I can now have a tub of ice cream in the house and not eat three bowls the day I buy it, or have chocolate and not eat it all at once, or anything like that, is a development that’s really only been true for like… a year? if that?

like, I was making progress towards this state of affairs for a while, but the fact that there are uneaten lindt balls in my cupboard right now would’ve been impossible a year and a bit ago

plus the whole 'food is my only comfort while pregnant’ thing probably set me back a bit

but I’ve really worked at being mentally calm around it and reminding myself the food will still be there tomorrow and that’s okay, that looking forward to it for tomorrow is nicer than stuffing myself now when I’m already full

so that’s another way it can manifest. and here’s yet another:

I grew up in a household that is, uh, increasingly fucked up about food - - it's worse now than when I lived there - - but I dealt with most of it (along with the rest of the emotionally shitty aspects of living there) by just... mentally withdrawing from anything that wasn't safe. We ate meals together when I was little, so maybe food tied into that, idk.

I'm also autistic and not super in touch with my body at the best of times. So... it was pretty easy to just... forget to eat.

I found some risk criteria for developing an eating disorder sometime in high school, and accurately recognized myself in the parts that were focusing on "perfectionist" and "very focused on self control," so I made a very deliberate effort to Not Diet pretty early on. I was the only non athletic family member (still am--everyone else will run marathons or 5ks together on family gatherings) in part because I couldn't breathe when I ran, and I'm also the fattest person in my immediate family.

I tend to stop eating and think of food as actively unsafe and hostile when I get stressed out, and my willingness to eat tends to be one of the first things to deteriorate when my mental health does. I tend to eat high sugar things when that happens, trying to get calories into me, and that sometimes crashes my blood sugar and makes everything worse.

As an adult, I've also been broke for most of my adult life and very conscious of my finances. If I haven't planned ahead and brought food with me, I often find it hard to convince myself that it's worth it to spend the money on a snack or meal for myself - - which means I skip a lot of meals and then wind up wondering why I'm in a brain fog.

I avoid diet talk very rigidly, in part because I am really worried about what might happen if I picked it up. It's really tempting sometimes to just not eat anything at all, maybe have a Real Problem someone might care about, get that positive validation about my body even though said body doesn't work so great in terms of breathing no matter what.

if any of these experiences, or aspects of these experiences resonate, consider that you may have an eating disorder.

here is one description of what a healthy relationship to food looks like. because we live in a diet culture, it’s often really hard to tell what’s normalized dysfunction, what’s a diagnosable eating disorder, and what is healthy and normal - and sometimes, healthy and normal aren’t the same thing. people with healthy relationships to food will

eat when they want to

eat as much as they feel like eating

eat what they feel like eating

not hold their habits and needs against themselves

give their body as much energy as required to sustain AND thrive

have compassion with themselves for shifting needs - more food on one day is as valid as less food on another.

do not weight- or body-shame themselves or others

respect their bodies capacities, limits, and needs

(one thing you hear when looking for recovery tips for eating disorders is to “respect and honour your hunger” and “to make peace with food” but if your ED is anything like mine, you can see how difficult this is. my problem isn’t a lack of peace with food, it’s that eating is inherently distressing for me and everything else just keeps making it harder and worse.

but you know what would help my ED? eating foods one-course meals (which I do already) and eating things which don’t require assembly or complexity. foods like pasta, pizza, sandwiches, curd-rice, are all easier for me to eat than anything else. i try to snack on chocolate and chips and fruit, because they’re easily accessed and provide energy. my goals for myself are small: eat, as much as you are able to, do not unduly distress yourself.)

don’t punish yourself for having to figure out your access needs around food from scratch. don’t hurt yourself for what you need to eat and what you find easy.you can have an ednos at any weight. remember that more weight is better than less weight - more IS healthier. take care of yourself

recovering from an ednos looks different for everyone because ednos ARE different for everyone. it’s up to you to figure out your balance, but of course there is help and resources available. check out blogs like @heavyweightheart. try to cultivate a body positive and disability positive environment around yourself, because that helps no matter what you have going on. best of luck! 

[quirrrky]

gardenia

secret lovers (tumblr thread | fanfiction.net)

Chronological One-Shots / Blank Period / Pre-Last / Canon Compliant

After the Fourth Shinobi War, Naruto was gradually falling in love with Hinata and the whole village of Konoha knows it…Well, aside from him.

entry thirteen

Prompt: It's his 18th birthday and a time to visit certain people.

/gardenia/ a dainty, white flower; a message of secret love

"Happy Birthday!"

"Thank you." Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head.

It was becoming a normal trend for his life now. He had been receiving a lot of presents from different people he never really knew.

When he was still Naruto the homeless demon-child or whatever, no one really even paid any attention to him. Ha! He was even an omen that must be avoided.

Before, shop owners would kick him out of their stores, saying that he was bringing bad luck to their profit.

Now, he got free stuff from them and they would even ask him to frequent their stores.

Before, the passersby and the bystanders would distance themselves away from him and would tell him just as how awful he was, a demon, a nuisance, society's basic garbage.

Now, they looked at him with such admiration. They even asked for his signature, and to have a photo with him. He was now being hailed as a hero, an inspiration and a role model for everyone to look up to.

Things drastically changed for him and the village ever since the war ended. And it was not that the he was being such a brat about his current status in their village, sincerely, Naruto was thankful above everything else.

He didn't condemn how the village saw him before from what he was presently. Instead, he saw those as stepping stones. They taught him humility, they taught him how it felt to be at the lowest ring of the society, that he never wanted anyone to ever experience what he had.

Whatever he was right now was all because of the trials, hardships and uphill mountains he had to face.

When he was still an annoying little boy, he thought that gaining the village's respect, was his ultimate goal-that it would make him feel fulfilled. And he already achieved that, even without being a Hokage. On top of that he was seen as a hero. It wasn't even part of his dream, but he exceeded the expectations.

Thankful. Yes, he was sincerely thankful.

However, amidst all the piled-up gifts and the prestige recognition, he was still Naruto and nothing really changed. His world still felt like a shallow sea, his home still didn't feel like a home and his heart was still half-filled.

Standing before the entrance of his apartment, he leaned on the door and exhaled heavily. He never desired solitude as much as how he did at this moment.

"Naruto," a voice came from the outside.

"Thank God! Someone I knew - ttebayo!" He hurriedly opened the door and saw his pale teammate.

"Well, since it's your birthday, I've been tasked to fetch you. We're going to your ramen place. "

As expected, he jumped and down in excitement. It had been a while. Kakashi-sensei was too busy being the "coy" Hokage, Sakura-chan was running around stuff at the hospital and Sai was always out on missions.

In no time, probably due to his excitement as well, they reached Ichiraku's. There he saw his team-the nearest thing he knew of family and he couldn't help but feel happy. Yamato-sensei was already seated, Sakura-chan was whispering something to Kakashi-sensei and there's a cake on top of the table.

"Woah! Is that cake for me?"

"Who else Naruto? " Sakura remarked in her usual bullying tone, but gladness was evident on her face. "Happy Birthday, idiot!"

"Happy Birthday Naruto!" The rest greeted as he expressed just how much he appreciated everything.

They caught up with each other as they waited for their bowls to be prepared. Talking about how busy yet boring their current routines had become and laughing off Naruto's perception about being a Hokage.

He still didn't get the cruel part yet. Kakashi thought to himself.

"Gahh! All the missions I was getting was fixing these darn paperworks in your office, Kakashi-hokage-sensei." Naruto complained that made the silver-haired man a bit embarrassed and waved-off,

"It's not really official yet."

"Eh? Oh kami, here we go again with this. You're still saying that Kakashi-sensei, although your face is already carved on the mountain." Sakura remarked with a sigh.

Sai, who had been contemplating all this time finally spoke, "Oh! Is Hina-"

Their pink-haired teammate immediately nudged him and went to whisper, "Still on a mission."

"Oh I see. I see. That's too bad." Sai acknowledged as Kakashi-sensei nodded in agreement.

With a tilted head, Naruto was about to ask what's going on until Teuchi broke in and announced, serving the blonde an extravagant bowl of ramen,

"For my favorite customer… There you go, my boy. A celebratory ramen for your 18th birthday!"

Naruto's mouth quickly watered at the sight of his celebratory ramen. Ribs! It was that especially dipped ribs this time!

"Thank you, ochan! I can't believe this!" He said ecstatically and started to munch down his favorite food.

Ramen, it was the only flavor his tasting palettes ever had when he was still considered a nobody in the village. It was ramen that filled his empty stomach, and he never thought that it would be ramen that will fill his then empty heart.

He ate it everyday, everytime. His heart knew no other food than ramen. Some may say it's irrational, but it was his first taste of ramen that he felt like he was just an ordinary child. It made him feel just like a normal boy, not a demon, not some catastrophe and not a monster. It was ramen, the first real food he actually ever had.

Most importantly, the wonderful memories he made in his life happened with a bowl of ramen. He could still remember the first sip of that warm broth, when he also first met ochan and Ayame-neechan. Then, the bowls he had with the original Team 7, with his comrades, with his newly gained friends and so much more! Naruto didn't have a formal home, but somehow in this ramen stand, his heart belonged.

Whenever he was tired and deflated from a very complicated mission, just the sight and aroma of ramen brought him back to life. That cute yet very tasty chasyu made him forget about the worries in life. Ramen energized him. It made him feel like he's home. How simple-minded of him isn't it? But it was his simplicity and child-heartedness that gave him the courage to smile, even at the toughest of times.

"Wow! I just couldn't believe it. You're 18 already. Who would've thought?" Teuchi said with nostalgic tears forming at the edge of his eyes.

"Ah! You're a young man now, Naruto. Which means…You'd soon be bringing here a girlfriend!" Ayame commented that nearly choked Naruto out.

"W-What the hell are you talking about?" The blonde asked quite weirded out.

Sakura was about to throw in something sharp, but she preferred to shut her mouth up instead, thinking that Naruto might use her as a scapegoat again to dodge the topic.

"Well, you know… You are now known as a hero, isn't it just right that the hero finally gets his princess, huh Naruto?" Ayame teased, to be followed by Teuchi,

"In speaking of princess, where is Hina-"

Sakura abruptly signaled the old man.

Hinata was supposed to go home last night, but due to certain changes, she might get back to the village a little late. Informing the birthday boy that something went quite wrong with the kunoichi's mission, may not be the best one to do, since everything was still under control.

Sakura awkwardly brought back the topic, "Okay, so a princess, huh? Let's just get back to it, Naruto."

The blonde stared at her for a while, keenly scanning her features. His eyes didn't miss every corner of her face, making her a bit uncomfortable and self-conscious.

"Meh, you're so far from being a princess, Sakura-chan."

Cha! You knucklehead! If it wasn't only your birthday, I would've!

Sakura swore. Naruto might be very dear to her, but she was sure as hell that she could destroy his face!

"So Naruto, what type of girls do you usually find attractive, huh? We have a lot of patrons here and you might not know, we could have found the perfect girl for you." Ayame asked slyly.

"Eh!? I just turned 18! What's the connection –ttebayo!?"

Aside from Sai, they all sighed exasperatedly, but the young brunette's spirit never wavered.

"Do you prefer shy girls with long hair and hime bangs? Or how about the timid, and innocent-looking ones with porcelain skin? Perhaps, a girl from a powerful clan? I'm pretty sure we know someone from those categories."

Naruto burped loudly. "Man, that was great! Thanks for that ochan! Now, let's go to the cake!"

They all sighed again, except for Sai who was counting how many of those did he have to watch out for. So far, apart from Sakura who already did thrice, they already sighed twice. Interesting.

Soon enough, the gathering was over. Kakashi-sensei brought Yamato-sensei with him back to the Hokage office to discuss some matters, while Sakura-chan was hurriedly called by someone from the hospital to do some necessary rounds.

Naruto couldn't help but feel thankful for the time they have imparted although he knew their lives were pretty much occupied unlike his. The loss of an arm made him not qualified yet to do his usual missions. Instead, he was stuck with Shikamaru and stack of paperworks.

"You don't seem happy, Naruto." Sai pointed out as they chose to traverse the less-crowded path.

The blonde immediately panicked at his question. He was about to deny, but he couldn't lie to himself.

"Well, the village treats me a lot better now. I supposed that makes me happy? "

"Based on what I've read, you can be thankful but not feel happy at the same time."

Thankful, but not happy? Was that what he was feeling right now?

He just sighed loudly at Sai's sharing, hinting his teammate that he needed to expound the idea.

"Well, it says there that you may truly appreciate everything you've been receiving in life, but you would still feel empty."

Naruto just scoffed. How would being thankful not enough to make you happy? Well, he's happy right? Is he?

"And by happy, what I meant is purely happy."

"Purely happy?"

"Well, yeah. The book came from Sakura, so there's a lot of embarrassing stuff in it. But it stated there, that being purely happy… It makes you feel like your heart is full. Like there's nothing in the world you could ever ask for."

The blonde fell silent for a while. Sai might be miscalculating a lot of things, but he surely hit the bullseye on this one. Naruto always felt that straight-up hollowness from within. He started to realize this when he saw his mom. He might get the success, the respect and the glory, but he still won't be able to piece himself altogether.

Unlike other people, Naruto knew that he couldn't complete himself alone. And that deep inside, he was still missing something else, but he didn't even know how to fill it, because he didn't even know what it was.

"I hope that clear things up."

"Yeah, thanks. It did, a bit. Hmm… by the way, where are the others? "

"Hmmm… I believe that Team 10 with Kiba and Shino just went out for a mission this early morning, while Shikamaru, Hinata-san and Ino are still out on a mission. In speaking of, I should head on to meet Shikamaru, they must return by now." Sai said as he made his way.

"See you around and thanks again!" Naruto bade as he ran off, deliberately choosing to take the empty streets.

Atop the Hokage monument, he went. And finally found peace just on top of his father's head. Like this, he felt so close to him, no wonder why this was his favorite spot after all. Although his birthday signified the end of the war as well, people of Konoha decided to not celebrate it as a festival. This was to honor the death of their loved ones who fell into their demise during the war. Rather, this day was being celebrated in solemnity and peace.

With a deep exhale, he closed his eyes and went Sage Mode, closely feeling his surroundings. It was just a shortwhile before he moved and identified his target.

He roamed the streets in a haste, avoiding the stare and attention of the people that might recognize him and would stop him along the way. He was planning to go somewhere else. It was not because it was his duty, but it was to pay his honor and earnest tribute.

He deactivated his Sage mode as soon as he reached the quiet haven-the sound of the green grass being swayed by the wind was playing like a calming song, matched with the clarity of the tranquil blue skies.

"Hinata," He called out with a humming voice.

"Oh," She looked at him and gave a vibrant smile.

"So I see… flowers." The blonde muttered, looking at the white Lilies as his heart jumped at the sight of it. Out of nowhere, he looked back and forth the white Lilies and Hinata, he didn't know but there's something about it…

"Well, that's one of Neji-niisan's favorite."

"Neji liked flowers?"

Hinata giggled softly and confirmed, "Yes. Secretly, he did." Slight sadness coated her voice, recalling how her Neji-niisan would love to sit at the balcony watching the flowers in their garden as he sipped tea. It was one of the few moments, when Hinata saw the gentleness in his face.

"Well, sorry about that Neji. I didn't know you liked flowers. But even if I did, I still find it weird that I will give you one. I know you will find it odd too -ttebayo."

The timid girl chuckled at his remarks. It felt like Neji-niisan was still with them by the way Naruto-kun talked to him.

"Hey! You know what Neji, Hinata here is super awesome dattebayo! You should see how amazing she is with Taijustu now. I know she is strong since then but I never truly experienced it firsthand until she air-palmed me in the face-"

"Tha-that was an accident, Naruto-kun! I'm sorry, I got carried awa-"

"Nah, don't be sorry, Hinata. Neji here is truly an effective teacher after all. Tsk! How much I would love to kick your as- Anyway, anyway, anyway. Do you know that I've already been inside the Hyuga compound? Damn! You guys didn't tell me that it was that cool there. However the people are a bit creepy, though aside from Hanabi, she was really fun although a bit bratty just like Konohamaru."

Hinata gave a faint laugh at his rumblings. Being with him like this with Neji-niisan, somehow made her feel like he's a part of their family.

They talked some more, with both of them trying as much as possible to infer how Neji would've reacted if he was still with them. It's heart-warming how the tears they poured the last time they've been here were replaced by light-hearted laughter and wishes.

They paused for some air.

Hinata felt deeply grateful and happy. She'd only wish that Neji-niisan already found his peace up above.

Naruto felt like he should be thanking Neji for something more. Not just for laying his life for him as a comrade, but also for something else he still could not fathom. In his head echoed his last words as he died in his arms.

Hinata-sama is willing to die for you…

They sat still in quietness for several minutes. Until, they both felt like it was time for them to go. He helped her get up, holding her hand in the process-she felt the strange electricity that came with it and reflexively pulled away immediately, her fingers started fiddling along the strap of her sling bag.

They stood by the grave, internally bidding him goodbye.

Neji, thank you. It's to you I'm very thankful of and I feel like I owe you more than just my life.

They started walking, wrapped around the peace and the quiet of the memorial park. Naruto kept at glancing Hinata's way, trying to measure her up.

"Uh, Hinata. Today is, uh... Today is… You know what today is right?" He asked her a bit sheepishly.

He felt so selfish to demand Hinata to remember his birthday, when he can even barely remember hers. Well, it was snowy during that evening, so that must be during the Winter.

December! It was December!

Hinata looked at him speculatively and gave out a cute laughter. "About that Naruto-kun… "

He raised his head and looked at her expectantly.

"Today was the day we won the war right?"

The blonde pouted and rubbed his nape, hiding his dismay. 'Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Did she really forget about my-

"I was really supposed to be home last night, but something went a bit wrong with our mission-"

Instinctively, he grabbed her shoulder and examined her dramatically.

"Are you okay? Aren't you hurt? God! I was so stupid! I didn't even consider-"

She reassuringly took his hand away. "Naruto-kun, I'm fine. I'm fine. It's just that Shikamaru-kun and Temari-san had an encounter along the road."

He sighed in relief. Thank god. Thank god.

The shy girl just laughed at him sweetly. They strolled around quite awkwardly for a while, with Hinata waiting for his next words and Naruto trying to figure out a way to stretch time, until he remembered something.

"Oh Hinata!" He said as he took her hand and led her somewhere.

"N-Naruto-kun?"

"I want you to meet them. I'm sure they'll like you dattebayo!"

Them? They'll like me?

She looked at their intertwined hands, remembering that moment during the war. Then her eyes landed on him. She noticed how she almost look up at him now. He got taller and the fit of his orange-collared, white shirt couldn't hide the breadth of his shoulders. He was also starting to lose certain chubs along his jaw.

She blushed.

He looked a bit stronger now than before. He was becoming a man.

She bit the inside of her cheek.

What was she thinking?

However, his tight grip on her hand was making her feel fuzzy. His hand-it was rough and callous, but it was warm and her hand felt so little against his.

They stopped by two graves. She looked at Naruto and he had with him a longing yet genuine smile.

"Touchan, kaachan, I want you to meet Hinata dattebayo!"

Her eyes widened for a short second and she instantaneously bowed down her head.

"Nice to meet you, uh, Minato-san, Kushina-san." She greeted reading the names carved on the stone plates.

Naruto couldn't prevent that light tickles in his chest. How wonderful it would be if his parents were actually alive to meet her?

He was certain that they will both like her. He was so much like his mom, so he was sure that she would greet Hinata ecstatically. She would bombard her with embarrassing questions and she would tell stories about him much to his humiliation. He could imagine his mom squeezing Hinata's cheeks, because she would find it a bit puffed. His dad, although not big on personality, would probably ask him how did he make friends with Hinata and will warmly welcome her.

"Ah, it's Kakashi-sensei's efforts that had their graves in here since touchan was his sensei. We were supposed to visit later, but I cannot wait to show you. Before, I didn't really get to know who my parents were. Now, I'm glad I could get to visit them even just through here."

"Naruto-kun," she murmured his name as few droplets of tears fell from her eyes.

"Anyway!" Naruto segued noticing that he was already making her cry. "See, Hinata here is a bit delicate. She cries easily, but that's just because she's really kind dattebayo!

"Ah, she's a bit quiet and calm just like touchan though, but she's very strong, just so you know. And it was also Hinata who saved me many, many times already. Plus, she was really smart!

"You must try her cooking as well. They are really great! Kaachan, you would definitely love to cook with her!

"She's a bit odd to explain, but if you ever get to meet her cousin, Neji, up there, I'm sure he can tell you how precious she is. So please watch over her, just as how she watched over me. Because Hinata here is always by my side."

He said, glancing down on their joined hands. Just like during the war. In his heart, that moment will always remain symbolical.

Her eyes widened and a blush never left her face, but she regained her stature at an instant.

"Minato-San, Kushina-san, I'm very pleased to have this opportunity with you. N-Naruto-kun grew up as a very strong person and he was getting even stronger everyday. And it wasn't because of his jutsus, it was all because of his spirit to never back down. Thank you for gifting him into this world. For me, he's more than just a hero, but he also became my inspiration. So there's no need to worry, we will be watching over him as well."

Even if Hinata had such a frail and silent voice, her message came vivid to Naruto. And just like before his fight with Neji and practically everytime he was around her, he felt revived, like nothing was ever above him and he can do everything.

A tear escaped his eye and he hurriedly looked away, concealing from the shy girl.

So not cool…

He swiftly wiped it away, letting go of her hand in the process.

Forget about her not remembering his birthday, her enlightenment alone was the best present ever!

They stood in comfort with Hinata trying to picture Naruto having his parents with him- a complete family, all in all a bittersweet dream. Naruto was internally telling his parents stories he was a bit embarrassed to let Hinata hear.

The air softly blew and a fragrant scent came across. His attention was caught by a beautiful white flower, swaying below his kaachan's grave. He watched as it broke from its stem and flew away. With no effort, he caught it. It looked elegant yet simple at the same time and it gave off a very calming scent.

Naruto looked at Hinata, whose attention was still on the graves.

"Hinata," he called out, with his arm a bit stretched, giving her the flower.

Her cheeks were tinted light pink. She flustered, not expecting him to be giving her a flower, asking herself where did he get it from.

"F-For me?"

With eyes pinched closed and a delighted grin etched on his face, he nodded in affirmation.

"T-Thank you, Naruto-kun."

"Well, it's cute… kinda' reminds me of you."

He just grinned at her with that child-like grin.

She looked at him quite dumbfounded as he rubbed his cheek absent-mindedly. "Anyway!, We must get going. You must be hungry, it's getting late -ttebayo!"

He started walking, but she didn't move.

"Naruto-kun," she called him, "I-I well… "

He looked at her a bit puzzled, "What is it Hinata?"

She pulled a brown bag from her sling bag and slightly shoved it onto his chest. With a bowed-down head, she shyly greeted, "Happy Birthday Naruto-kun! I-I didn't forget… I-I was just teasing you, so… "

"Woah! Is that true? You remembered?! Hey… " His reaction turned mopey. "So you were teasing me all this time, huh Hinata! Tsk, I never thought you could be so mean like that. "

"I-I-I-"

"I'm just kidding - ttebayo! So what do we have in here-" He broke the paper bag in excitement and, on the grass, dropped a premium cup ramen. "Wait! Hell no! I can't believe this. Thank you so much Hinata!"

"You're welcome, Naruto-kun and happy birthday again."

Naruto kept on blabbering on how excited he was to try the imported ramen once he gets home. Hinata then offered to place the cup noodles for awhile,

"For safekeeping, Naruto-kun."

He happily obliged. "Let's protect my birthday ramen -ttebayo!"

They both laughed afterwards, while she placed the ramen back inside her sling bag.

The two walked back, enjoying the play of light as the sun began to set.

Before Hinata's eyes, flashed the memories she spent with her Neji-niisan. She couldn't really pull it off without crying. A bold step forward. Just like what he said and she will forever bear that in mind.

On one hand, Neji's last words still bothered Naruto. They said that a person's last words were their dying will. He knew that Neji stated such during the war to remind him of his responsibilities and the many lives he had at the weight of his shoulders. But he somehow felt that there was still something more…

Hinata-sama is willing to die for you…

He looked at her-her face radiating such purity and serenity like the lily on Neji's grave and the white flower she was holding, the one that swayed from his kaachan's grave, which he gave her. He gazed upon her hand.

How would it feel to hold it again?

Impulsively, he held her hand.

She gasped and suddenly looked at him.

He gulped at the sudden realization of what he just did.

"Well, uh, I just remembered the-the chakra transfer thing we did during the war and… I" He closed his eyes and composed himself, "I just want to know how it feels like again, since I was so focused to fight against Obito and Madara, I didn't really get to-"

"It's okay, Naruto-kun."

She calmed her beating heart and he was trying to figure out what he was doing.

"Na-Naruto-kun has… Back then, you have a very warm chakra. Even just by holding your hand like this it still feels…comforting."

He was quite taken aback by her, but soon a smile came across his face, "Same here, Hinata."

Naruto confidently walked beside her, recalling everything that transpired that afternoon and it was like there's nothing he could ever ask for.

The fog filled their views and they all gathered around for a Yakiniku. Tenten was solo in calming down Lee and Gai-sensei as she internally cursed Neji for leaving her alone in handling the two. Shino, with Shikamaru and Choji, was busy catching up with their former senseis. On one hand, Naruto was bickering with Kiba from their height up to how frequent they take a bath.

On a little spot at the corner of the room, was Sai sketching something or maybe someone.

"Hey, Sakura." Ino called out her friend in a whispering manner and pointed out her finger on Hinata, who was seated across Sai. "Has someone else been seeing Hinata lately?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Look at Sai's drawing and just look at her closely. She's holding a flower."

The pink-haired kunoichi's eyes widened as she saw the girl in question holding a beautiful white flower, while her dainty little fingers marvel its petals. Her eyes and smile showed tenderness and fondness.

"Being a florist myself, I knew what that flower means, Sakura. It's…" She came near her ear and whispered.

Suddenly, Sakura felt a bit nervous and sad at the same time. She looked back and forth at Naruto and Hinata with worried eyes. She turned into Ino and she knew that they were both getting the same hint…

They definitely need to act before it's too late.

[all-about-wannaone]

4/100 Ways To Say I Love You

Pairing: Park Woojin x Reader 

Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, Slice Of Life 

Prompt: “Come here, let me fix it.” 

Words: 4814 

A/N: Trust me when I say that I wanted to post this yesterday, but my internet did not cope with me at this point. :( Hence, I could only post this today, but I am so glad my internet is up and running again and I could not be more excited to share this new part of the series with you guys! ^^ I know it’s a little longer than usual, but I hope that you guys will enjoy it as much as I do! Unfortunately, I do have some news for you guys and that would include the fact that written ship requests will now be CLOSED as I want to focus a little on my scenarios and fanfiction requests for now. :’) I’ve seen my inbox and have seen at least 5-6 requests for a “Wanna One mafia AU” and the good news would be that I would be finally kickstarting the request! Thank you all for being so patient and do look forward to it! 

It was probably a given when I say that being a trainee in the Korean pop industry was tough. The competition was extremely intense, with bands debuting faster than ever in such a short amount of time. In 2012 alone, over 400 bands debuted and from then on, the numbers had dwindled, but they were still considerably high. Nevertheless, the dreams of debuting in a team were not easy to grasp either.

In fact, there was never a guarantee to when a company would tell one that he or she was going to debut. All we knew was that we needed to debut by the time we turned 22. If not, we had pretty much wasted our youth, and that was the implication; a signal to tell us that it was time for us to pack our bags and go; find a better, more practical and sustainable job in the mundane working world.

For me, I would never have expected myself to sign on as a trainee for the music company, Brand New Music. It was just a pure coincidence when a young female stranger approached me with a name card while I relished in the taste of my instant noodles at a convenience store in Hangang Park. It was a strange place, to say the least, and I could not help but feel a little suspicious at the sudden offer.

Like they always say, if something was too good to be true, it probably was, and those were all the sentiments that I felt back then.

“Good afternoon, my name is Lee Eunmi from Brand New Music entertainment. We would just like to pass you our name card as an encouragement for you to sign on with our company. If you would like more details, please do not hesitate to send me an email or give me a call via these pieces of information here.”

I nodded and hummed in acknowledgement, still having a mouthful of noodles in my mouth, but my eyebrows did knit together as I took a closer look, scanning the name card’s front and back to see whether it was a legitimate company.

It had an address, a company phone number, a fax number, an official email and even other points of contact, one of them being Eunmi herself. She only chuckled in embarrassment at my reaction, and she said in a slightly awkward manner, “I’m sorry if this came as a little bit of a shock, but I would just like to say that you have been street casted, hence, we would highly encourage the fact that you participate in our auditions this coming Saturday here.”

“S-sure,” I responded, chewing the last remains of my noodles, “I-I’ll see whether I am interested or not. T-thank you very much for the offer.”

With that, she only smiled and gave a polite bow, leaving the convenience store as if nothing had happened. Then, I proceeded to recount the incident to my best friend, and to my surprise, she was extremely excited with a whole bunch of emoticons just to express her feelings.

“Why why? Is this a good thing?”

“Oh my god, is that even a question you should be asking? This is your chance Y/N. Show them what you are made of. You have literally been on the stage your entire life, surely this would only provide you with even more opportunities to learn and grow about what it’s like to be in the much coveted celebrity lifestyle, while pursuing your dreams of becoming a performer, Kpop or not. I’m so proud of you Y/N!”

Even though the words were sent through via a text message, I could definitely sense how elated she was, and after some serious consideration, I had decided to submit my application two days before the audition process. There was truly no harm giving it a shot and my best friend was right; I had always wanted to see what it was like to be considered a celebrity, and I wanted to be a performer, even at a relatively young age.

Memories came flooding back to how my parents had disapproved of my choices, but they gave in to my pleas, realising later how much passion I had for performing and the fact that my second home could well be the stage of any concert hall. Furthermore, this was a rare opportunity, and one that should not be missed.

Hence, I went for the auditions, nervous but determined and that was also the day when I met a few others, namely Park Woojin, who was my age, and Im Youngmin. Both of them came from the sunny side of Korea, also known as Busan, and for some strange reason, we had become quick friends.

Woojin and I realised that we had lots in common, while Youngmin was the equivalent of the older brother that I never had. I found out later on, 30 minutes before the audition began, that Woojin was getting in through Dance, Youngmin for Rap and I was getting in through Song. 15 minutes into the waiting process did they start to arrange us according to the categories that we had signed up for, and we wished each other the best of luck before all of us took the opportunity to show what we were made of.

Fast forward a little over 2 months later, and that was when I received my email of acceptance from Brand New Music. It turns out they had prepared a dormitory for the trainees and all I had to do was to move in and the training programme could begin proper the following day. Therefore, I requested for a week before I started, just so that I could have some time with family and friends before my schedules piled up and timetables clashed. Luckily, the CEO was nice enough and assured me that all will be okay when I sent an apology.

Then, there I was, lying on the bed of my new home that the company had sponsored. For now, it was a relatively small space, given that I was the only female trainee at that point, together with my manager. We did not have much of an age difference, hence, we became almost like sisters. Apart from having a high level of proficiency in administration, she was also extremely caring; ensuring that I ate my vitamins, consumed full meals for sustenance and occasionally snuck in a snack or two into my diet. The best thing of all, hands down, was the fact that I had someone to confide in when times got tough, especially when I had to balance both school and trainings at the same time.

It was only at the dance studio when I had realised that both Woojin and Youngmin had also been accepted under their respective categories, moving in with their youngest male trainee, Lee Daehwi, and Kim Donghyun, who joined the audition programme 4 months after me. Indeed, it was expected to be awkward, especially when we did not share very much about ourselves the last time we met, but it was as if it had become a simple reunion between a group of friends.

After practices, we would sneak out in the middle of the night to the bustling area of Gangnam, indulging in traditional and classic street food or simply spending time in the Hangang Park cycling or just enjoying the view of the city skyline from the other side. Those moments were blissful, especially when we faced such immense pressure of doing well in both our development programmes and school examinations. In fact, we only had each other for the most part, since we did not spend much time with our own classmates either.

Eventually, for some strange reason either by coincidence or fate, Woojin and I had become closer than before, to the point that we would wait for each other at the midpoint between our schools, just so that we could take a bus to our company building. Sometimes, we would spend a little more time in the studio than the rest, especially when my dancing skills were not the best. He was a little more on the quiet side and never said too much, but worked hard to polish my movements and taught me in a succint and efficient manner how I could possibly improve.

Later, we realised that we pretty much basked in each other’s company, and when we did not have any lessons go to, we would take refuge in a coffee house nearby just to talk or study. Sometimes, we would simply head down to Myeongdong or Hongdae to try their signature ddeokbokki sets or go for a few arcade games just to give ourselves a much needed break.

According to Youngmin, who had started to notice how much time Woojin and I had spent together outside of lessons and practices, feelings were bound in the way at one point. Perhaps it was because he was the oldest and had the most experience, but he was not completely wrong. No matter how much Woojin and I realised that we were “too young”, we could not deny what our hearts had been telling us for the past few months.

Call us fast, but Woojin (with lots of help from Daehwi and Donghyun) mustered the courage to confess as we stayed back to practice a little more, and with an open mind, I accepted his feelings. For obvious reasons, the company did warn us of the possible risks that we might run into eventually, but Youngmin had convinced them that it would be okay. He had said that we were just trainees, people that the public knew nothing about. Hence, he felt that we should have been given the chance to fall in and out of love (touchwood) while it still could take place. Surprisingly, the CEO accepted, but he reminded us to be more cautious, especially when we were out and about, away from the protection of the company’s 4 walls.

6 months later and the 4 boys decided to take the bold step of participating in Mnet’s survival programme “Produce 101 Season 2”. In a nutshell, it was the male version of Produce 101. I could not deny that my heart did ache a little at the thought of not being able to see them for the next 4 months or so, but this was their chance; a window of opportunity to achieve their dreams.

As they said their goodbyes with slightly tear jerking hugs and a long farewell, I promised to participate in the votings and watch the episodes, especially when the votes determined their ability to debut in the final 11 in the finale.

“Wait for me, Y/N. I promise I’ll be back before you know it. Don’t miss me too much, take care of yourself, do well in school and don’t fall sick… okay?”

Those were the last words Woojin had sent to me via text, before his phone got confiscated by the producers as a precaution for the trainees’ sake.

The days did, in fact, go by in a flash and as much as it pained me to say it, I had gotten used to the lack of enthusiastic greetings from Daehwi, Youngmin’s short but sharp comments, Donghyun’s happy-go-lucky nature and most importantly, Woojin’s overall company. Sometimes, as I crossed the mid-point between our schools, I would anticipate Woojin running towards me from behind and giving me the fright of my life. Unfortunately, it only left me with a bittersweet feeling that it was not going to be the case.

In a nutshell, Produce 101 had been a tough journey for all of them, and I could not help but feel extremely proud of how far they had come. Woojin had contracted shingles, but he still gave it his all in the performance for “Never”. Sure, they might not have won, but I was still touched by the fact that he continued to perform without giving up. Daehwi and Youngmin pulled through, despite the hate that they had received for scandals and looks (which were ridiculous in my opinion), and no matter what the circumstance, they never failed to keep their bright smiles on at all times. As for Donghyun, it was a pity that he had come home first, but he still exuded rays of positivity and optimism, telling me that he was glad he tried it, knowing that he has to work harder if he wants to achieve his dreams.

On the 14th of June, that was when the boys had finally made their way home. The night was far from young, but I took some time off to prepare for their arrival, cooking up all their favourite foods that they probably never got to eat during the show. Truth be told, thank goodness my mother was still awake so late into the night, especially when it came to the recipes and measurements that were needed for the wide spread of dishes later.

“I’m so glad to be home,” Daehwi lamented in a tired manner, but all was lost when he saw me in the kitchen, “Oh my god!!! It’s Y/N!! Hyung, Y/N’s here!!!”

“Goodness Daehwi, I know you’re excited but keep the volume down! We have neighbours around here,” Youngmin warned in a light hearted manner, only to be faced with a guilty Daehwi, and continued, “Anyway, hey Y/N, it’s… been long. Woojin’s on his way up!”

“No problem. The food should be ready any minute now and before I forget, congratulations for getting into Wanna One, Daehwi. Oppa, all hope’s not lost, you know? I can assure you that you will go far, together with Donghyun.”

Hearing that, he flashed me a sad, but relieved smile, and replied, “Thanks Y/N. Come, let me help you with the laying of the table at least.”

And there he went to take the white porcelain plates and cutlery, but that was also the time when I felt a familiar set of arms wrap around my waist from behind.

“Hey babe.” He greeted, in his low, charismatic and extremely charming voice.

“Hi Woojin. Congratulations on making it to the final line up. Are you feeling better?” I asked, concerned and he only scoffed in response, “Of course, and besides, that was weeks ago. What are you making anyway?”

“Hmm… Tofu stew for Youngmin, kimchi stew for you and Donghyun, as well soybean stew for Daehwi. You know how he hates spicy food, so I hope you enjoy it.”

“I definitely will,” he said, taking in a deep breath to inhale the fragrant aroma of the foods that were being prepared, “Damn, I’ve missed your cooking.”

I smiled at the comment, and turned off the stove, pouring Daehwi’s stew into the heat retaining bowl that I had found, garnishing them with green onions, ready to take them out. Without any words spoken or uttered, Youngmin was already on his way, taking the tray without any hesitation. However, I could not deny that the atmosphere had become a little cold; way too serious for my own liking.

“Woojin, is anything wrong? You guys seem… distant.” I whispered, and he shook his head, before fishing out a necklace from his back pocket.

“There’s nothing wrong with the hyungs, or Daehwi. In fact, it’s probably just me. I wished that I had more time to spend with you before I move into the new dormitory tomorrow with the rest of Wanna One. Hence, I-I’m sorry that I can’t give you the love and affection that you must have missed.”

“Therefore,” He said, walking behind me and sweeped my hair to one side, “Take this as a gift from me to you. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take for me to come home, but let this be a symbol for the fact that I will always remember you, whatever happens. And besides, it’s a couple necklace.”

He showed me the necklace that he wore underneath his collared baby blue shirt, and I was greeted with the sparkling sight of silver and a heart shape with nothing on the inside; just an outline. Out of curiosity, it was definitely normal to ask why.

“If you look at yours,” He said, pointing to where I should look at, “yours is the full heart. Put them together, and you get a complete heart shape because you complete me.”

It was clear that he was probably cringing at this point, and I could not help but get a little teary eyed at his gift. He had obviously put lots of thought into the meaning of the gift, and proceeded to put the clasp together once he had placed the cool metal chain around my neck.

“I know we are young, and probably still have a whole lot more into this relationship, but take this as a promise from me to you that I will always be with you, no matter what happens; physically or spiritually.”

Those were the last few words that remained etched in my mind on Woojin’s and Daehwi’s last day as “Brand New Music trainees”. Their schedules had been extremely packed with advert filmings, variety show appearances, photoshoots and preparations for their upcoming debut and concerts. As for Donghyun and Youngmin, they had been given the green light to debut as the sub-unit of “Brand New Boys”, namely “MXM”, and they too started to get busy with debut preparations as well.

Unfortunately, there I was, feeling as if I had run into a dead end. There were no other female trainees for the time being, and it seemed that there had been no auditions taking place in Brand New itself, but it was understandable. It was still a relatively new company to the market, and compared to big shots like SM Entertainment, JYP and YG, perhaps it was more strategic just to deal with whatever they had first before branching out into debuting more groups and training even more trainees.

Woojin’s necklace never left my neck throughout that process and I was glad that it had been made of a material which did not tarnish, no matter what I did to it. Indeed, he was probably prepared for the fact that I would never remove it, especially when it was my take on a good luck charm. It felt as if he was still by my side, cheering me on and giving me the strength that I needed to trudge on the road ahead.

Little did I expect the necklace to be ruined in such a short amount of time and I was devastated to say the least.

All I wanted to do was to show up at Wanna One’s many fansigning events, given that my CEO had snuck me in, as a surprise for Woojin. As expected, he looked dashing in all the outfits that had been put together tenaciously by the stylist. Yes, he was still a little awkward and shy in front of the camera, but he definitely did give the vibes of a true idol now.

Fans were armed with DSLR cameras equipped with lenses as long as 30cm, snapping pictures continuously of the entire group, or their favourite member. The flashes and sounds of pictures being taken filled the auditorium, coupled with excited chatter and the occasional screams. In retrospect, people probably wondered what on earth I was doing in such a place, but I paid them no attention as I had directed all of it to my boyfriend and his fellow members.

All I did was to say hello, bringing nothing with me and even the members were surprised, but it was only when Woojin looked up after he had received a gift that the reactions got even bigger.

“Y/N!! You came!!” He said in a loud and excited voice, and knowing him, he was probably ready to jump across the table to give me a tight hug, but I only shushed him teasingly, and he seemed to understand.

“I’m… quite surprised to see you here.” He said, while signing my phone case for me, smiling shyly as he saw that I was still wearing the necklace around my neck, “I missed you, Y/N. I’m sorry I couldn’t go back very often and —”

“Miss,” the crowd manager interrupted abruptly, “you need to move along. Please cooperate with us.”

“I’ll see you soon.” I mouthed, before moving onto the other members and greeting them with a polite bow as well, handing them my phone case for autographs too.

Truthfully, that was all I did, but never did I expect that I would end up with a broken necklace, all thanks to fans who got jealous of my interactions with Woojin. They only attacked me after I had my dinner, and I was this close to reaching the comforts of my home.

“Bitch, you didn’t deserve that time with Woojin. You’re so ugly anyway, what the hell would he see in you?”

“I agree, and besides, who are you to hold up the line? He has other fans too, you know? How disrespectful. I bet you didn’t even buy thousands of dollars worth of albums just to attend. Did you sneak in to the venue? I presume so.”

“How dare you spend so much time with our oppa. I hope I don’t see you at the next fanmeet. Not only are you a visual polluter, you’re an attention seeker too. How… disgraceful.”

I tried my best to put all those thoughts behind me, dancing and training with even more passion just to keep my mind distracted. With a tired mind also came very frequent slipups during monthly re-evaluations, and I found myself strictly reprimanded for not heeding the advice from the trainers. It then led to the immense stress and pressure that I felt now, and it did lead to many occasions when I would find myself crying, just because I could not get a step right or experiencing countless sleepless nights.

My body weight began to fluctuate from diets and stress eating, followed by the eyebags that had become significantly more prominent than before. Others began to find the rumours online, spreading hate comments and photoshopping unnecessarily onto my pictures in my SNS, leading to me deactivating it once and for all.

Then came the day when I was still practicing in the dance studio on my own. Only the Almighty would know how much time had passed, and no matter how much my legs (especially) cried for a break, I did not even bother to stop. I knew myself well enough; if I stopped, there’s no knowing where my emotions might go.

So I continued, until I heard the sound of the door open, coming face to face with an unfamiliar figure wearing a black hoodie and long sweatpants to match. I froze at the sight, ready to grab the nearest thing I see as a form of defence.

“It’s just me Y/N. Calm down.” The familiar voice said, and I sighed in relief. However, the atmosphere felt cold, sending shivers down my spine.

“Woojinnie… Why… W-why are you here?”

“Youngmin called my manager a 100 times at least, telling me that I needed to come see you as soon as I could. He said you barely ate, slept and kept yourself locked up in the practice room, as if you lived in it. He sounded so worried, and I would say the same. Y/N, why is that?”

“I’m sorry Woojin. I really am.” I replied, and my voice was starting to shake. Tears were threatening to spill at any time, but I kept it together, clenching my fist.

I walked over to my bag without making eye contact and opened the compartment at the front, taking out a ziploc bag storing all the fragments that I salvaged that night. He was a little confused, but his eyes widened at the sight of the ziploc bag, and I knew that I was probably dead meat.

Woojin was not an emotional person, but a normal human being would not dare to challenge it. Like they always say, the quietest people were always the most intimidating.

“L-look, I-I’m sorry I didn’t protect your gift properly. I tried to, I really did but —”

Unfortunately, he only walked away in the opposite direction, heading towards the storage lockers that the CEO had built in for us. There were 5 lockers in total (for now), and each of them looked the same, but one could clearly tell which one was Woojin’s. He had not said anything yet, turning the lock in silence and opening it with ease, taking out what looked like a small transparent case, the size of a passport, together with a first aid kit.

“Come here. Let me fix it.” He said, in a pretty neutral tone and a straight face.

He’s probably disappointed in me for not taking care of something that held so much value to the both of us. Great job Y/N, I guess you could say that you’re royally fucked for now.

I passed him the ziploc bag and he poured out the contents gently into the other side of the box, looking through the tools that he had and skillfully putting the necklace back together with some random spare metal pieces that he had.

“W-why do you suddenly have tools with you though?” I asked, breaking the cold and tense silence that the both of us have had to endure for an excruciating moment.

“It was a gift from my father,” Woojin replied, eyes still focused on fixing the necklace and putting it back together, “He knew that I liked to make these kind of stuffs, especially when it came to metal pieces like dog tags and necklaces. Hence, before I left Busan, he had customised a pocket-sized set for me to ensure that I will never get bored if I was not dancing or rapping, and it was also my good luck charm.”

His tone was still cold and aloof, so I mustered up the courage and asked, but in a very cautious manner and as if I was walking on eggshells, “Woojin, are you… mad at me?”

He sighed at the question, putting down the pliers and necklace, looking at me with a sad gaze, “I hate to say no, because I would be lying to myself, especially when I had made this from scratch, but,” He paused, before continuing, “I trust you enough to say that this was not deliberate… right?”

“No, it wasn’t,” And he heaved a sigh of relief, but I continued my story anyway, “I was coming home from your fansign and some fans decided to maul me on the way back. I tried to fight back, I really did, but they grabbed the necklace off my neck, snapping it with all their strength. I’m sorry Woojin —“

Before I could say anything more, he had pulled me into a tight hug and muttered something guiltily along the lines of saying how he was immature and a fool to jump to conclusions so quickly.

“No Woojin, it’s not your fault. I’m fine anyway. I was upset too, so I’m glad I managed to salvage the pieces anyway, including the pendants of your initials, just so that I could bring it to a jeweller when I had the time, but Youngmin oppa suggested I should not after he took me to the doctor to ensure that I was okay.”

He nodded in acknowledgement and then proceeded to tend to my already swollen ankles, which were the case from dancing way too much just to relieve my stress. I wanted to continue the conversation, and only told me that I needed to relax, warning me that the treatment he knew was going to hurt a little. Nevertheless, at least the silence was replaced with a little more cordial environment now.

Once he was done, he whipped out his phone and checked the time, eyes widening when he realised that it was already 3am. He packed his things briskly into the locker, but kept my necklace with him as well as his little tool set.

“I’m sorry Y/N. I really need to get going. The necklace is going to take some time but once it’s done, I’ll call you… somehow and… take care of yourself more, okay? Don’t get hurt anymore and… just… trust my h-hyungs okay?”

“Woojin…” I muttered, grabbing him in a back hug before he could take his leave, “I… I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” he replied in a soft tone, turning around and reciprocating my embrace, “but I promised that I will come back. Just wait for me and it’ll be over before you know it.”

Request a scenario here! 

Wanna One masterlist 

[ristocycling]

Is that it?

For the first time, I’m sitting at home in Estonia and writing this blog. I came here to ride Estonian Championships in X-Country Marathon. Before I even came here, I got disturbing news that my cycling licence is registered wrong in the system, that ment no Championships for me. Since I already got the tickets and all was planned, I decided to ride the race anyways. Which also ment that my shoulders drop, nerves were under control and everything looked fine, until the very morning. Cannot really put words on it what happens in my head, but nothing makes sense anymore. I wanna quit. I don’t feel it´s worth it. This tremendous fight in me makes it challenging to continue. So, when a random questions led to changing the category to Estonian Championships 1 hour before the start, it didn’t really affect me at all. The guy I was talking to was the chief referee, apparently. So it was kind of a good thing that the licence posed problems to begin with.

But, maybe the lack of preparedness made it worse this time? I saw couple of videos of the race online and it looked really scary- I´ve always been scared of heights and there are many places on this race when you ride on the edge of a cliff- Estonia is pancake flat, yes, but it has some hI´lls. True story! Also I had no plans of hydration since I counted on neutral zones, while most of the other riders had teams to rely on. Maybe if I had a plan and though a peace of mind, something would have been better, different the very morning? I don’t really know! I’ve always struggled before the races, well almost every time. I’ve had a whole season where the nerves were under control no matter the race! So, I’m aware that it´s all in our heads?! For sure! And I know something can be done to hold the head on the surface. But what can you do about it, really? How to calm down, think straight thoughts, or not think of anything? I guess it has also something to do with expectations. So the real question is: does it really matter in the terms of result, if one has high expectations or simply show up to have fun? -GIVEN that preps are done! Maybe not.. Maybe not. What are expectations? Define that! I’m starting to think that it´s simply some pile of bullSHIT! Expectations=how things should be=pretend to be a prophet=religion of futurism=fantasy=ambitions? While I’m always telling others to let go of prejudices, expectations and go with the flow, but have ambitions and wI´ll to do better… Then I’m doing exact the opposite my self. Maybe I should start being a bad example?! Start living rather than fantasising. Maybe even stop having ambitions and simply be the best version of my self?

Well, maybe the fact that my life´s once again at a cross road makes it a bit more difficult to tackle? Maybe my mental capacity ain´t big enough to overcome all the pressure right now? What are these «other» things? Well, their all personal. But I can say so much- nothing in my future is given right now. Maybe, for my health sake, I should take time off from racing? It´s just as simple as that- the pressure is unbearable and I felt it both before and while racing. I made a mistakes for sure. As I rode two hours without eating anything, just drinking. 29th place was more than ok and I HOPED that it would hold. But then the hammer appeared and hit me hard! And then the bad feelings, thoughts, black hole manifested. I started to think of quitting. Didn´t feel sufficed. So after a while, an hour or so, I realised that I was riding in emergency mode (ref. cars that are having severe problems). Then the very best, Greete S, come from nowhere and parked me. I really tried hard to keep her back a while and when opportunity presented it´self, I wished to contribute. But nothing, she was simply superior at that time. After a while, I stopped for a couple of minutes, cheered on my competition, ate 3 bars and drank a little. After a while, stopped in a feeding zone and eat some bread, Estonian black bread! A sausage. Some bananas. Drank some more fluids. Cheered on the second lady. And then continued the journey. And yes, after a long while, the energy stores were restored and I got the speed up. Catch up some racers and even passed them and made them pay parking tickets. All-in-all, 56th out of 125 racers. 50min lost to 1st place. 12 min behind the very best Estonian WChampion.

Now it has been 2 days since that race. I’ve made some analyses on Strava and I cannot really hide myself behind some data that prove that things would have been better IF and so on. I started really hard, too hard. I was climbing up from 32nd place to 29th and kept it going for a while, until the world famous Hammer! My level ain´t that high on single trails, flat, sandy ground. It might sound like I’m defending myself right now, but that really ain´t the case. It´s simply a explanation of what does not suit me. On contrary, hI´lls and climbs suit me very well, easier ground and some gravel too. So, yes, I’m not a complete biker! Far from it. But until now, I’ve fought a fair fight. In my own head, I believe, in a way, I can be related to a fictional character, Rocky Balboa:

«…it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!”

― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

So, to sum up. I´m not saying that I´ll quit. I simply say that I´ll choose to meet up to have fun from now on. I’m done with getting so nervous that It squeezes out all the fun and will to ride my bike. That doesn’t mean that my competition should feel neglected- when I do meet up for a race, I´ll do my very best, yes I will! But I´ll act as if it´s only for fun.

If you feel a bit a bit frustrated because some of it, think all of it is bullCrap, shame! It´s my personal blog and its not open for criticising. And yes, all of it is personal and IF you feel like some of it also apply to you, good, maybe I was to help? In the end, I´ll print it out as a «book» and hand to my kids one day. Hopefully it’ll happen one day :D

But. I cannot forget the the most important part of it all. To honour the winners. Petter Pruus, Greete Steinburg and all the others before me, after me. I’ve ridden about 50 different races in my career and this was the most insane single track race ever! About 85km singles is tough call no matter how you look at it! Chapeau! Jõelähtme Rattamaraton is truly a mekka for riders who enjoy themselves on single trails!

Thank you for reading! I´ll now be heading to Dolomites to ride Sellaronda HERO, oh well.. to have fun on Sellaronda HERO. This ride suits me pretty well! So I´ll go for my personal best this year and leave it all on the mountains there. My wish is to cross the finish line, happy, satisfied and proud. But, if it doesn´t work out well, I´ll go for a great tour :D It´s amazing place!

Risto

[jaeminlore]

Cuddle Hotline // Kim Kibum

-

the prompt: could I have a cuddle hotline key scenario? I was thinking that she’s like a culinary student and only cares about cooking and her friends are like “you need to get out there you’re lonely” so one of her friends orders her a cuddle buddy (key) but when he shows up she just sits him down at the table and makes him try her food and is like “give me an honest opinion so he does and he’s like “this is gross” and she actually really likes his honest opinions on her food so she asks her friend for the app and her friends are excited cause they think she’s enjoying it but actually she’s just using it to help improve her recipes but one day she’s like sad and really just wants someone to cuddle with so she calls key over and he’s like ready to eat but she says she just wants to cuddle today and he gets all cute and nervous because he actually started developing a crush on her -sunflower anon 🌻

words: 4427

category: fluff

author note: this is my first shinee request and it’s for kibum my bias!! i don’t know who you are sunflower anon, but i love you for requesting this. i immediately began thinking of dialogue and stuff bc i wanted to make it perfect.

- destinee

-

You set down your perfected pasta in front of your two friends. “Eat this. I added fresh garlic instead of simple garlic salt. See if it makes a difference.”

Your closest friend, Chaeyoung, looked up at you. “Y/n, this is spaghetti. You have literally made ten batches of spaghetti and they all taste the same.”

You rolled your eyes, “They don’t taste the same. Trust me.”

Chaeyoung took a huge bite and pursed her lips, “Hmm. You know, you’re right. I can really taste the fresh garlic as opposed to the garlic salt.”

“Really?” Your eyes brightened as both of your friends rolled their eyes.

“No!” Chaeyoung said. “It tastes exactly the same, Y/n.”

Your other friend, Minho, furrowed his eyebrows as he pushed the plate away. “Honestly, I feel like I’m going to vomit if I see any more spaghetti. Why do you always spend your free time cooking?”

“Better yet, why do you always use up our free time by making us eat your cooking?” Chaeyoung said. “I could be on a date right now.”

“I could be working out, or studying,” Minho said, giving you a pointed look.

Ever since you were a child, you had wanted to be a chef. Whether or not it was helping your parents cook, or attempting to make your own sandwiches, you were always in the kitchen. The passion had come from your grandmother, who used to teach you how to make cookies from scratch. After seeing your first batch of cookies, you realized that you really enjoyed making creations. You enjoyed the look on people’s faces when they ate your concoctions. From that moment you knew you wanted to be a chef. You would be content the rest of your life to make food for other people. Your dream was to open a restaurant with five-star food at low prices so everyone could enjoy how amazing and artistic food could really be.

You were in your third year of culinary school, and your school was offering an amazing chance to your class. Whichever student could make the best menu would be offered the chance to study their fourth year in Paris, all expenses paid for. It was a dream to you, and you were working desperately to perfect a meal that would impress the judges and leave a lasting impression.

You slumped into one of the empty chairs and covered your face with your hands, moaning. “You guys are right. I’m never gonna win this scholarship with spaghetti. Maybe I’ll try sushi.”

Chaeyoung patted your head gingerly. “I think you need to take a break. When’s the last time you just took a rest day instead of cooking?”

“I haven’t,” you said. “I can’t afford to lose a day. Each day I fail is a day closer to the deadline and I have to make something to submit.”

“You need to sleep,” Minho said.

“No,” Chaeyoung denied. “You need a cuddle buddy. Look, there’s this app where you can pay for someone to come and give you cuddles. Studies show that cuddling with another human relaxes the soul.”

You rolled your eyes. “I don’t need a cuddle buddy, I need you guys to help me find the best dish.”

“C'mon, Y/n. You can’t deny that you’re lonely. Here, let’s download the app and look for some ideal partners.”

You ignored the two of them as they browsed through people, shouting out their likes and dislikes. Instead, you cleared the dishes and put them in your dishwasher, preparing to make your next meal.

“Oh! Look at him!” Minho suddenly shouted. “User Key-underscore-freak.”

You snorted, “Anyone with the word “freak” in their username is not getting my address.“

“Too late,” Chaeyong said. “I sent him a message.”

“Why?” You darted over to look over your friends’ shoulders. You had to admit, the pictures were nice. It did state that he was only two years older than you, and he seemed to have an obsession with a certain pair of dogs. “How many pictures of his dogs is he going to post?”

Minho clicked out of his pictures and began to read out his likes and dislikes. “Likes: dogs, fashion, and theater. Dislikes: liars, ugg boots, and people who don’t like dogs. He sounds simple enough. His cuddle rate is high, too. Apparently a lot of people like to cuddle with him.”

You rolled your eyes. “I don’t want to cuddle him, no matter how high his rate is. Now, should I use salmon or tuna for my sushi?”

Chaeyoung suddenly squealed, “He wrote back! He’s open today! I’m asking him to come over!”

“Don’t!” you warned, “I have stuff to do today.”

Chaeyoung waved your concern away. “Minho and I will pay for it, okay? Just enjoy being in someone else’s presence for once instead of thinking about your next dish. Can you do that?”

You groaned and turned back to your fish, ignoring her. “Please don’t.”

“Too late. He’s coming in an hour. Minho and I will be leaving so the two of you can have some time to get to know each other.”

You grumbled the whole time you were making your sushi. You weren’t even paying much attention to what you were doing, and so you ended up making a pretty weird dish. Still, you set it out on the table. If someone was coming over to your house, you would ask them to try your dish. Cuddling could wait for another day.

The doorbell to your apartment rang, and you hesitantly made your way to the door. Finally, after a small mental pep talk, you swung the door open.

The man in front of you wasn’t too much taller than yourself, and he was rather nimble-looking, you felt. Nevertheless, his smile was open and warm as he held his hand out for you. “I’m Kim Kibum. You’re Y/n?”

He was wearing black skinny jeans and an oversized t-shirt, covered by a brown bomber jacket. His dark hair seemed styled and his skin felt moisturized and smooth as you accepted his handshake. A large duffle bag hung over his shoulder, and you felt more uncomfortable as you stared at it. “… that’s me.”

Kibum followed your gaze and let out a bark of laughter. “I just carry this around to put my pajamas, laptop, blanket, and pillow. Cuddling necessities, you know?”

You didn’t know. You had never cuddled with anyone in your life. You never really felt like you needed to. “Actually, can we not cuddle?”

Kibum furrowed his eyebrows and pouted his lips. “No cuddling?”

“Yeah. You see, I’m a chef and I really need someone to try my dishes.”

Kibum’s eyes brightened. “You’re a chef? Great, I haven’t eaten all day.”

He walked into your house and discarded his jacket and bag onto your sofa. “What’s on the menu?”

“Sushi,” you replied, running past him to grab the plate of food. You placed it on the table, along with a cup of water. “Tell me what you think about it. I want your honest opinion.”

Time seemed to stand still as Kibum put the sushi in his mouth. The more he chewed, however, the more his face turned into that of disgust. He swallowed thickly before giving you his verdict. “This is gross.”

You felt your spirit deflate. “Really? What’s wrong with it?”

Kibum have you a look of obvious disappointment, “Well, first of all, why did you stick scrambled eggs in your sushi roll? That’s nasty.”

Your nose scrunched. “I was distracted. It didn’t seem like a bad idea at the time.”

Kibum handed the plate back to you. “Who are you making a dish for anyway?”

“I’m trying to win a trip,” you explained as you dumped the bad sushi into the garbage can. “If I make a good enough dish, I’ll be allowed to study my final year of culinary school in Paris, France.”

“I love Paris,” Kibum said. “I’ve been a few times. You’re going to have to step up your game if you want to cook with the chefs of France, though. I hear they’re brutal.”

“I know,” you sighed. “I’ve just been distracted lately. I am a good cook, really.”

Kibum cocked his head to the side, “Looks like you’ll need to prove that, Honey, since your sushi was worse than the food I buy for my dogs.”

You frowned. “That bad, huh?”

Kibum nodded, “Sorry, Babe. Tell you what, why don’t I give you a dish and you make it for me? Do you think you can handle that?”

You rose your eyebrows. “Are you patronizing me, Kibum?”

“If the shoe fits.”

You crossed your arms over your chest. “I didn’t peg you as that type, Kibum.”

He smirked and looked up at you, “What type is that, Y/n?”

“Rude,” you answered.

He laughed again, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he threw his head back. “You should get used to it, since we’re friends now. So… how about it?”

“Give me a dish and I’ll make it perfect.” You pursed your lips, “Then you won’t underestimate me.”

Kibum smiled and sat back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling and humming to himself, “You know, my friend took me to this really expensive restaurant in New York last year. Maybe I can remember my favorite dish there. Let’s see… oh yeah! Arctic char, leeks, green olives and smoked potato. If it’s even close to what I had last year, I’ll believe that you’re a cook.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, “You’re on.”

“Wait. You actually have Arctic char in your fridge?” Kibum looked impressed.

“Surprisingly, yes. I bought a ton of different ingredients this week for trial and error. That includes all the fish present at the market,” you said as you turned to your stove.

Kibum stood up as you grabbed a clean saucepan from its hook. “You know how to make it?”

“I’ve been studying culinary arts since I was a child, Kibum. A few smoked potatoes aren’t going to faze me.” A sudden confidence took over your presence, and Kibum found himself smiling at the way you assertively cut and rinsed your ingredients. “In fact, I think you’ve given me the surge of energy I needed to work on my dish. Who knows? This could be the winning one.”

Kibum stood up and leaned on the counter to watch as you seasoned the fish. “You should put your hair up.”

You looked up at him, pouting as you realized your bangs were falling into your face. “You’re right. Let me wash my hands—”

“I’ll do it,” Kibum interrupted you, moving around the counter till he stood behind you. He pulled the hair tie out of your ponytail and fixed your hair into a tight bun on top of your head. “There you go. Now there’ll be no hair in your char.”

You giggled. “Thanks, Kibum. Now go sit while I finish this up.”

“Yes Ma'am.”

-

You held your clasped hands against your lips in anticipation as you watched Kibum taste the dish in front of him. You were hoping with all your heart that he would like it. For some strange reason, his opinion meant a lot to you, and you were desperate for his honest approval.

Kibum chewed slowly, perhaps to spite you. His eyes were void of emotion, erasing any guess you could have about how he liked the food. Suddenly, his lips quirked into a smile. “It’s okay.”

“How is it okay?” you asked. “Which part of it is okay? What could I change? Would it get me a trip to Paris?”

Kibum blinked. “Well, for starters, it won’t get you to Paris. It’s good though. Very similar to what I had in New York. The potatoes aren’t smoked enough, and the leeks were a but soggy, but the char is excellent. I’d keep it for your protein.”

You broke out into a smile. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Kibum nodded. “So now all you need are side dishes.”

“I also need a dessert,” you clarified.

Suddenly, a beeping came from Kibum’s pocket, causing both of you to jump. “Oh. That’s the two hours you paid for. We didn’t get to cuddle, but I had a lot of fun.”

You grinned. “Me too. Thanks, Kibum.”

“No problem, Babe. See you later.”

-

Kibum must’ve thought it was you who contacted him, since he assumed you’d do it again. Unfortunately, you had no idea what app Chaeyoung had used, nor how to contact Kibum again.

The thing was, you had been perfecting recipes for vegetable side dishes for the past week, and you were dying to have Kibum taste them. So, with no other choice, you swallowed your pride and asked Chaeyoung for the name of the app.

“You like him!” was her first assumption.

“I do not,” you retorted, “The… cuddling was nice, is all.”

Chaeyoung smirked, “The app is called Cuddle Me. You remember his username, don’t you?”

You rolled your eyes and scoffed at her as you downloaded the app. “Yes. Now leave me alone.”

-

“Couldn’t stay away, could you?” Kibum smirked as you opened the door to your apartment. “I’ll admit, I thought you wouldn’t invite me over again. I thought you might’ve found someone else to try your mediocre recipes.”

“Mediocre? Yeah, right.” You noticed he had, yet again, brought his duffel bag. However, he obviously didn’t intend on using it since he threw it onto your couch as soon as he entered.

“I’m ready to eat soggy vegetables!” he announced.

“Stop hating on food you haven’t even eaten yet!” you whined, following him into the kitchen.

Kibum laughed gingerly and sat at the counter. “Pass the plate, honey.”

“Okay, today I made mushrooms à la bordelaise, Mediterranean baked sweet potatoes, eggplant skins stuffed with veggie risotto, and caramelized balsamic cipollini onions.”

“Marry me,” Kibum said as he stared at all the dishes you placed in front of him. He licked his lips as he looked at the tantalizing food.

You blushed at his praise. “Don’t get too excited. You haven’t tried them all yet. I need you to tell me if I can use any of these as my side dishes.”

“Get me a fork and I’m yours,” Kibum stated.

While he ate the dishes slowly, with the meticulousness of an actual food critic, you asked him about his interests. “You said you were into fashion?”

“I am,” he said. “I’m a fashion designer, and my company is just starting to get the recognition it deserves.”

“Really? What’s your company?” You were genuinely interested in his life, as he seemed so lively and sure of himself.

Kibum put down his fork and smacked his lips, thinking. “Designs by Key. It’s a newer company, since we got it up and running smoothly just this past year. I’ve tried a lot of different paths, but my newest line is getting a lot of attention. My goal is to make women’s clothes that women actually want to wear.”

“What do you mean?” Your eyebrows turned up in confusion.

Kibum chuckled, “Not that you would know, since your wardrobe seems to consist of simply jeans and t-shirts, but in the high fashion world, lots of women’s clothes are created without the woman’s best interests in mind. You’d like this: in my line, girls get usable pockets in their jeans and skirts. We’re also working on a range of clothes fit to perfection for each different female body shape. I have a lot of female friends and colleagues and they explained to me that clothes don’t always fit properly, especially when the ratio size of breast to waist is really different. So, we’re working to make a line based on nearly customizable clothing for females. My ultimate goal is to make everyone feel comfortable in their own skin, through fashion.”

“Wow,” you breathed. “That’s so cool. Call me when your designs go on sale, okay? I’ll buy one of everything.”

Kibum nodded, “Only if you call me when you open your restaurant so I can sample the entire menu. These side dishes are pretty great. I would choose the mushrooms and the eggplants, personally.”

You clapped your hands together, “That’s perfect! I’ll make stuffed eggplant skins for the appetizer, char and mushrooms for the entree, and then a dessert! Then that ticket to Paris is as good as mine.”

“You’ll invite me over to try out the dessert, right?”

“Of course,” you said with a playful roll of your eyes. “You know Kibum, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you like hanging out with me.”

Kibum laughed, but you caught the pink tint that crept onto his cheeks. “Honey, I think you’re mistaking yourself with your cooking.”

“Why do you keep calling me honey and babe?”

“Instinct, I guess. If you don’t like it, I’ll stop.”

“No,” you denied softly, “It’s fine.”

-

“Okay, so I have green tea custard, dark chocolate mousse with almonds, strawberry cheesecake, and hazelnut pie with spiced ice cream.”

Kibum hummed as he stared at all the dishes. “You’re too good to me, Y/n.”

You sat beside him, nibbling on an untoasted strawberry poptart and checking the made-up menu you had created in your phone notes. You would enter your menu tomorrow, a day before the scholarship deadline. Everything was perfect, and all you had to do was get Kibum to choose a dessert.

Kibum put a spoonful of the mousse into his mouth and clapped slowly. “This is everything. A bit bitter, so maybe add some brown sugar or something to sweeten it, but other than that it’s everything.”

He finished the mousse peacefully, enjoying the dessert freely as he scrolled through his phone. “Do you wanna see my dogs?”

“I already saw them on the app,” you answered, “but I guess I can see them again.”

Kibum scoffed, “You guess? Good grief, Y/n, at least try to act excited as I show you my pride and joys.”

“Sorry,” you giggled, leaning closer to him so you could see his phone screen.

“This one is Comme Des and this one is Garçons,” he explained. He then explained to you their favorite foods to eat, places to sleep, and clothes to wear.

“You dress your dogs? Isn’t that considered abuse?”

Kibum looked offended. “Abuse? They love being dressed up, trust me. Oh! Idea!” He suddenly perked up, turning to face you, “You should make your own gourmet dog food line!”

You deadpanned. “No. That’s an insult to my passion.”

Kibum pouted. “My babies would love it.”

“Just eat your cheesecake.”

Kibum chuckled and obeyed, complimenting your skills as he continued to stuff his face.

In the end, Kibum stayed by the mousse, and wished you luck that you would get that scholarship. “We could even meet up in Paris. You, a renowned chef and me, a famous fashion designer. Together we can conquer the world.”

You shook your head, “I don’t want to be renowned. That’s not my goal. I want to make great food for people who can’t afford it. I won’t get very renowned for that.”

Kibum furrowed his eyebrows, “Sorry? Do you think people like paying and arm and a leg for their meals? Y/n, if you succeed in a restaurant like that, you’ll be the talk of the year in the culinary world. It’s a huge financial risk, considering you have nothing to start with, but you can easily make it up with the amount of customers you’ll get. Open sponsors spots as well, and have them pay to support your restaurant as long as you name a dish after them or something. Designs by Key can be your first proud sponsor of many as long as you name the chocolate mousse after me. You could go far with this one, babe.”

You picked at the hem of your shirt, a shy smile appearing on your face. Not even your closest friends gave you the confidence Kibum did in just a few visits. You felt close to him, and you were sure he felt close to you as well. There was a natural attraction there, as if the two of you knew each other in another life or something.

Shaking your head out of those thoughts, you reached forward and wrapped your arms around Kibum’s neck. He let out a noise of surprise, but eased into your hold rather quickly. “Funnily enough, you’d think touch wouldn’t fluster me with this little side job. Your touch is different, I guess.”

You felt your face warm at his soft-spoken words. Surely he didn’t mean it in the way you thought. He was just talking about the emotional aspect of two friends hugging. That’s what you told yourself, since you couldn’t think about anything more than that with the deadline so close.

Kibum was the first to pull away, but he planted his hands on your shoulders before he left. “Go get ‘em, babe. Show them your talent.”

He tapped your nose, and grinned when a giggle spilled out of your mouth. “Keep that smile, okay? You’ll do great.”

You nodded, feeling more sure of yourself. “Thanks, Kibum.”

“I’ve got you. Oh, and when you win, invite me over so we can eat the winning meal together,” he said with a confident wink.

-

You stared at the phone in your hands, contemplating whether or not to ask Kibum over.

The thing was, you had come in second place. Although that was great, and would look fantastic on your resume, it wouldn’t get you a ticket to Paris. You were disappointed in yourself, and you kept going over the menu, wondering how you could’ve made it better. You were sure Kibum would be disappointed with you too. He had been so sure that you would win, and when you told him the truth, he might think you didn’t try hard enough. You had. You had given that food your all and had been so sure that you would get the scholarship.

Unfortunately, things don’t always go to plan.

In the end, you really wanted some kind of comfort. Kibum was the only one you wanted it from, which wasn’t too surprising considering how close the two of you had gotten ins ice a short amount of time. Before you could second guess yourself, you sent him message, asking him to come over. After that, you muted your phone, unable to see his reply, which would more than likely imply that you won and he couldn’t to wait to congratulate you in person.

You groaned and shoved your face into your couch cushions. You weren’t ready to see his face.

-

Kibum could tell something was wrong as soon as you opened the door. Your makeup was smudged at the corners and your hair was messier than usual.

“What’s wrong, babe?”

“I didn’t win, Kibum,” you said. “I did everything you said and did my best, but it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry.”

Kibum let out a breathy laugh, “Why are you apologizing? There are so many things more important than winning a scholarship.”

“Like what?” you frowned.

“Like, for instance, your skills grew as you practiced, and you stepped out of your comfort zone. Also, the most important thing is that you met me.” Kibum walked passed you, and with the usual toss of his bag he turned around, “So what do you say we cook together today? Something simple and tasty.”

You stared at Kibum’s raised eyebrows, unable to answer. You didn’t want to cook right now. In fact, all you really wanted was another one of Kibum’s hugs. “Actually… can we cuddle?”

Kibum’s ears turned red very quickly, but he covered up his flustered expression by licking his lips and turning his head towards his duffel bag. “No cooking? You just want to cuddle?”

You nodded, “You’re a good hugger so you have to be a good cuddler, right? I really need that right now.”

Kibum’s expression softened. “You got it, then. Let me change into some comfortable clothes.”

He returned quickly, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He opened his duffel bag and pulled out a large duvet. “I’m ready to cuddle!”

He sat down on the couch, his eyes on you as he patted his lap. “C'mere, babe.”

You accepted his invitation and curled up into his lap. He wrapped the blanket around the two of you and pushed your hair off of your face with his nimble fingers. “How’s this?”

“It’s perfect,” you mumbled, nuzzling your face into his chest. He smelt like honey and some kind of musk, and it made your heart stir with feelings that you had previously pushed down. “Kibum?”

“Yeah?”

You looked up at him, your cheek against his collarbone. He rubbed your hips gently as he waited for you to speak. “I think I like you.”

After your confession, you quickly ducked your head down, afraid to see his reaction. His fingers froze on your skin and soon you couldn’t feel the warmth of them on your skin.

You ruined it, Y/n, you told yourself. You should’ve just kept it in. Then Kibum’s fingers were under your chin as he lifted your face towards his. “Really?” he questioned, his breath fanning your face as he leaned in closer.

You searched his eyes for any teasing, but there was only affection in his glassy brown eyes. “Yeah. I like you, Kibum. You make me feel confident. You make me feel like I can do anything I put my mind to, but you also give me a sense of warmth and comfort I’ve never received before.”

Kibum chuckled, “Honey, I’ve liked you since you made me eat that disgusting sushi.”

He was still in the midst of laughing when his lips reached yours. You cupped his face with your hand to bring him closer to you. Your own lips turned into a smile as you finally felt how soft his were. Kibum pulled away, “We have to stop smiling or we can’t kiss properly.”

You shrugged, biting your lip to try and stop the giddiness from showing on your face. “Sorry.”

Kibum pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, “Don’t be. There will be plenty of times to kiss in the near future.”

He wriggled his eyebrows seductively, causing you to erupt into more giggles as you slapped his chest gently. “You’re stupid.”

“Well you’re dating stupid,” Kibum pointed out.

“Touché.”

~the end~

[marissasmoments91]

Ok so what’s next?

On December 24th 2018 in the wake of our family tragedy, I sat in my grandmother’s kitchen talking about health and fitness with 5 of my family members, we were making homemade pasta in preparation for Christmas the following day. I knew I needed to do something about my weight I couldn’t keep up the yo-yoing anymore. I remembered my cousin’s bf was a Personal trainer and wrote meal plans for people. “Do you think he’d be willing to write one for me?’ I asked. The answer was yes of course (it is his job after all). I messaged him at the start of the New Year and January 6th 2019 began my change.

 To start he needed my height, weight (by this point my weight sat at 61.6kg)  and waist measurement as well as photos of my front, back and both sides so that both he and myself could see changes over time. He also asked about the training I was doing.

He was detailed – I sent him all of the foods I liked broken down into categories, fruit, vegetables, dairy, proteins and snacks.

His rule was easy; eat all of the food on the meal plan It doesn’t matter what order you eat them in as long as it all gets eaten. Sounded easy enough.

The first meal plan he sent through I was eating over 2000 calories. Immediate panic ensued. 2000! Calories! That was over double what I would normally have eaten to try and lose weight. What was he doing? I had made a terrible mistake, and this was definitely not going to work. But I’m not a quitter and I had agreed to give it a go, so I put on my big girl pants and began prepping for the week.

The week went by and I was eating more food than I ever could have imagined. By the end of every day I thought I was going to explode. Kris was good though and checked in with me a couple of times through the week to see how I was feeling/coping. “Full” was always my reply. He assured me that it would be fine and he needed to assess where my metabolism, and by extension my whole body was at.

Sunday came and it was time for my weigh in, I was anxious, I stepped on the scale and lo and behold I had put on weight. Messaging Kris was nerve wracking but he said it was ok – still I panicked inside. He dropped my calories by about 300. They continued to drop each week and by the end of January I was down to 1300 calories. Kris explained that because of the way I had tried to diet in the past I had what he referred to as metabolic adaptation. My body was used to eating so few calories that the second I ate even a little bit more than that I would put on weight. Well great. Now what?

Reverse dieting that’s what.

“Reverse dieting involves gradually increasing calorie intake after dieting in an effort to boost metabolism. It’s especially popular for bodybuilders looking to ease their transition back to a normal diet.”

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/reverse-dieting#what-it-is

Ok so I was going to be losing fat and gaining muscle simultaneously – a difficult process I was told. And it was/is. Eventually my body will adapt and my calories would be high enough that chances of me overeating day to day as well as when I go out would be much smaller.

I was still going to the gym (over a month straight which was a new record for me) I had paid for a few PT sessions as I was a gym novice and needed help knowing which exercises I should be doing. I stopped the PT by the end of January I had enough of a program to be on my own (or so I thought).

Since he is a PT as well, why didn’t I just go to the gym with Kris you ask? Well his gym was 30min away from my house and not super convenient for me to go before or after work. I stuck to my gym close to home.

As I continued with the meal plan and gym I started to notice changes in my clothes even though looking in the mirror I didn’t really think I looked much different.

By April I had lost just over 4kg but my calories weren’t increasing at the rate they should have been. When Kris suggested I train with him, I bit the bullet and agreed.

I spent the next 8 weeks training with Kris twice a week and 3 times on my own (with a program he put together). I avoided eating out and if I absolutely had to Kris would tell me what the best thing to eat was and what meals I should take out to compensate.

Even on my mums 50th birthday I stuck to my own meal plan whilst everyone around me ate pizza, pasta and more dessert than you can imagine. I’m Italian- we like our food.

 I persevered and by June 20th 2019 my calories were up to 1800, I weighed 56.3kg and my waist was down to 28.5 inches. That ladies and gentlemen was also the same day I left for Europe for a month. 8 countries, 18 days with a short stint in London at the end. I indulged. Pizza, pasta and gelato in Italy, crepes in France, curry wurst in Germany and trdelnik in the Czech Republic. I didn’t really hold back. I tried to stick to some kind of a diet at the beginning but when the breakfast buffet consists of pretty much pastries only it made sticking to any semblance of a diet near impossible.

In preparation of my trip I researched each hotel to see which of those had gyms… Short answer: none. So I bought some resistance bands so I could do some exercise whilst away. I did the best I could and used them every third day or so.

 Coming back I definitely knew the scale wouldn’t be kind. But I had made my choices over there, what’s done was done and I had to get over it. I came back weighing in at 62kg. I had essentially put on all of the weight that I had just lost a month prior.

Had I not gone to Europe then I’d be well and truly at my maintenance level by now and I’d solely be focusing on building muscle and getting as lean as possible.

I got straight back into the meal planning and training, I slowly began to drop some of the weight that had crept back on. August, September and October was extremely tough for me mentally. I felt like my body had stopped responding to training and food. I was getting frustrated.

At the end of September I attended the wedding of a friend. My meal plan was altered and I was supposed to only eat the main meal. Through canapés I was fine, through entrees I was fine. I ate the main and then out came dessert. A sticky date pudding. Not my favourite dessert but still goddamn tasty. I don’t think I even tasted the dessert – I inhaled it in about 3 minutes flat. I immediately felt guilty. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten it and I wished I hadn’t. I was disappointed and annoyed at myself. It was the first time I had eaten something not part of the meal plan or meal plan substitution (not including Europe of course). That Sunday my weight came in 1kg heavier than the week prior. There was nothing I could do except brush it off move on. I vowed never to let it happen again.

 As we moved into October I started to see some changes in myself physically. My clothes fit better my waist measurement was getting smaller and overall I was pleased with my progress even if it was slow.

 In November I distinctly remember one weekend I measured my waist and I had gone up a quarter of an inch. I had a meltdown, I had been working so hard doing everything right and it wasn’t working. My calories were around the 1200 mark in an effort to lose as much fat as possible while still putting on muscle. But I was over the diet and the training, I felt I was going backwards not forwards. It wasn’t working - for me it had stopped working.

November also brought about the start of the festive season, I had lunches booked in at work that I thought would be like my usual substitution, I could pick a meal to eat and Kris would swap out what he needed to. But the Chinese restaurant we booked made it difficult to substitute. For some reason the fact that I wouldn’t be able to eat what my colleagues were eating hit me hard. I got very very emotional. I knew I was overreacting but I thought I was doing well. If I was hitting goals why couldn’t I eat out? What no one tells you is that the closer you get to reaching that goal the harder you need to work to achieve them.

It was the first time I had wanted to quit and I was so close to doing so. But I persevered. I dragged myself to the gym and my PT sessions. If you hadn’t noticed I’m a perfectionist, I’m most competitive with myself, I like to be the best. Quitting meant I would be losing to myself. This mindset though can be dangerous and it is for me, it makes me stubborn. If I continued with this thinking then I would certainly be on a path to self-destruction. Never happy with where I was and constantly reaching for a self-inflicted goal I couldn’t achieve.

 I mean shouldn’t I have the right to be able to love and be happy where I was at and the huge efforts and changes I had made?

 I went to the staff lunch but I ate a bowl of steamed greens, no sauce, no oil, no flavour. It was the least delicious thing I’ve ever eaten but as I checked my waist measurement that weekend I was happy with my decision. I had lost half an inch on my waist.

 Those of you reading this I can feel your judgement from here, just like I felt it from my colleagues on the day. “Why don’t you just eat something?” “Surely it wouldn’t make that much difference?””.  Maybe it would have maybe it wouldn’t but it was my decision and mine alone.

 I can also here the “How vain is she?” “You can’t eat like that the rest of your life. It’s not sustainable”. And you’re right it’s not. But this isn’t about vanity, this is about my overall health. If I’m strict now then once I have corrected the issues caused from poor diet practices I can relax with the strictness.

 Two weeks later and another Christmas party popped up. This time I didn’t even ask, I knew what I had to do. I rang the restaurant and asked to have steamed vegetables instead of the set menu. They were very accommodating and happily fulfilled my request. Again that weekend brought another drop to my waistline by a quarter of an inch.  

The end of November brought about my birthday and even then I chose not to indulge in cake but instead enjoyed my usual yoghurt and banana as per my meal plan. My colleagues were annoyed at me that I didn’t want a cake because then they didn’t get any, even though I said they could get one and I just wouldn’t have a piece.

It’s now December 2019 as I write this and I’m three weeks away from my waist needing to be 28 – 28.5 inches and three weeks away from a diet break. This means for me that I’ve hit my maintenance. Will I get there? I hope so. Am I terrified? Absolutely. I’ve relied on someone telling me what to eat for the better part of a year and to be on my own is daunting, I don’t want to undo all of the hard work. 

I still feel anxious when I’m asked out to an event, what will I eat? Can I take my own food? How will this affect my weigh on Sunday? Every family function I’ve been to for the last 6 weeks I’ve taken my own food. I look forward to the day that these thoughts stop entering my mind and if anyone has any tips on how to do that please feel free to share.

I started off 2019 as wanting to get skinny but it became so much more than that. It became about my overall health and about a lifestyle change about bettering myself long term.

I look forward to 2020 and the new set of challenges it brings. I hope to see you with me along the way.

[kunstpause-archive]

1, 4, 15 & 30

1: if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

that is a super tough question. mostly because I am someone who guards their inner thoughts very fiercely. so answering this both honestly and in detail would be giving away much more of myself than I would ever be comfortable with. I tend to absolutely love things/characters/books/songs where I can find (at least part of) myself in. So if you know who my favourite characters in something are or if I show you my favourite music you already know a lot. 

4: do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

I do and not really. I disliked it for a while as a kid because I felt that “Anna-Maria” was far too long and annoying - I wanted something short and with one syllable. Today I appreciate everyone who takes the time an actually calls my by my full name because I like it much better than just Anna. (Though native English speakers manage to get the sound wrong to a degree that actually bothers me. It’s an A as in arm, not as in and.)

15: five most influential books over your lifetime.

ouff, 5? my brain is like sand with those things. there is one I kinda read over and over again and that is the Neverending Story by Michael Ende. (and I HATE the movie versions with a burning passion - they are complete garbage.) That book was formative in many ways. Also Momo from the same author. Both books that I’ve read several times. 

The Lord of the Rings was pretty important to me. Not because it is necessary the best book ever (it really isn’t) but because through that book and that fandom I’ve met quite a few of the most important people in my life. 

Another one would be The Old Man And Mr. Smith by Peter Ustinov. It will always have a special place in my heart because it was the first book I read after I got out of a very uncomfortable situation. Actually, I think @elveny recommended that book to me? (Thank you! ;) )

The Harry Potter books have been an important part of my youth - though by now I am of the opinion that the fandom has long surpassed the author. 

In the category of non fiction: When I was about 12 or 13 I read the autobiography of Jehan Sadat, a human rights activist and former  First Lady of Egypt - that boos was an eye opener for many things I hadn't been aware of until then (being a child growing up in northern Europe in a rather well off and secure environment.) It kinda changed my whole world view back then.

But if I am honest? Literature has let me down more often than not in the past decade or so. Especially since I discovered a lot of not traditionally published fiction (and yes, that includes fanfiction) that was on par if not even superior to almost anything else I read so far. 

30: pick one of your favourite quotes

I’ll give you three that are dear to me (to make up for my cop-out of question 1 ) two of them are from the Lord of the Rings:

“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.” 

and

Frodo Baggins: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us― J.R.R. Tolkien

and

If there's no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters... , then all that matters is what we do. ... Because, if there's no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world. (from the Episode “Epiphany”, Ats)

[63824peace]

Wednesday, 30th of november 2005

I noticed a boy in front of the train station this morning. He looked like a junior high school student. He only wore a short-sleeve shirt on his torso, and he had a sports bag slung over his right shoulder. He walked with a brisk gait.

The temperature drops below 10 celsius in mornings and evenings, even though winter has just begun. The cold didn't feel fresh and pleasant this morning... the chill wormed into our skin, straight through our jackets.

That could pass for a good conversation-starter since everyone feels the cold. "This morning I saw an energetic student striding spiritedly, even in this weather!" I couldn't honestly predicate conversation with that observation however. It's simply untrue.

The student hugged his bag as though trying to squeeze warmth from it. I couldn't see his face, but his hunched back told me that his whole body was stiff and shaking. His posture proclaimed, "I'm freezing!" I don't know whether he had a blazer or a stand-up collar style school uniform... either way, he must have forgotten his jacket at school.

I wondered... did he have a reason for missing his jacket? Had he quarreled with his parents? Did he even have parents?

Had he been too poor for a jacket?

I decided that he probably hadn't been too poor. Mostly wealthy families live in that area. Nonetheless, why only a short-sleeve shirt?

I continued to observe him. I moved closer to him, wanting an answer. The boy walked without changing his posture.

The affair wasn't my business, of course. Still, he clearly had a definite reason. I couldn't help but speculate on it.

Did the cold only frost his skin? Or had winter's ice hardened his mind?

"Winter weakens everyone. The cold wind blanks our faces, and courage dies in weather's violence."

Can that young man survive winter?

I absorbed myself in these thoughts-and he disappeared around a corner. I might sound cruel writing this, but I felt as though the temperature had risen a bit once he had disappeared from my sight. I felt oddly relieved.

KojiPro's offices feel hot. We have many computers and other work apparati that give off heat. No one here wears more than a single layer to work, even in winter. Some staff members only wear T-shirts.

The programming staff feels the most intense heat. Even in winter, almost twenty percent of them wear T-shirts because the largest number of heat-emitting devices surrounds them.

I take the heat in a T-shirt too. I used to wear a light sweater all the time when I had my office in Tokyo's Ebisu district. I almost always wear a long-sleeve T-Shirt since I've moved to the Hills. We might have larger offices now, or we might simply have more heated machines.

I have started to wear light garments underneath a thick jacket or coat since I started working at the Hills. I can't deal with the office heat otherwise.

We never feel cold in here. KojiPro stays tropical even during winter. The boy who I saw this morning probably arrived at school, and then he became freed from the cold and loneliness. I am likewise freed here. Warm places exist even during winter. We can resist the cold as long as we have these places.

We spent the morning in a meeting. War buddies don't exist in the meeting room. It's a battle between a lot of different officers. Some continue fighting when they don't realize that they have been shot.

Why was it so cold in there? The temperature in there had dropped remarkably from the development studio's temperature.

We have to remember some things during a meeting. We must recognize that we make cold, objective decisions in our platoon headquarters. Soldiers don't bring their emotions onto the battlefield under any circumstances. I still haven't adjusted myself to those rules, so perhaps I'm not very mature.

The meeting lasted longer than scheduled, and it prevented me from going to the bookstore. I had wanted to breathe fresh air during lunch time, but I couldn't get my wish today.

I never handle mail during a meeting. I handle the bulk afterward. Today I took care of it while I ate sushi bento. The more popular bento had already sold out, so I took the one that the shop had left.

I hardly tasted my food... I didn't feel very stable after that meeting. I swallowed each bite whole to calm the pain in my gut. The room's temperature felt high, but I felt winter bristle in my mind.

I decided to take HIDEOBLOG's readers' comments as a side dish to my bento. I ate hungrily. Many of the comments were delectable, and sometimes tears welled in my eyes because I had hit upon a comment flushed with wasabi.

My war buddies across the internet compensated for the dearth inside the office. I'll keep my chin up.

At 3 P.M. I had an interview with Mono Magazine. They will print a special feature article on video games in their end-of-the-year issue.

They asked me, "Have you wanted anything particular lately?"

I answered, "I'd like to have time more than 'anything particular'."

The vinyl figurine for Ex-Kamen Rider 1 (Ex-1) was released. Yoshiteru, the king of hobbies, bought it for me. I added the figurine to my special shelf reserved for Ex-1.

I'm a fan of Kamen Rider generally, but I love Ex-1 most of all. I have mentioned this in my serial article Interview with the Inspired Naked for this month's Hyper PlayStation 2 magazine. I have titled the article The Movies That Created Hideo Kojima.

I harbor a special passion for Ex-1, though that's probably only a matter of my generation. My heroes are Tiger Mask, Kamen Rider, and Ashita no Joe.

Many more problems cropped up at KojiPro besides the meeting. I felt more and more depressed. I always enjoy problems that arise while creating a game of course, but today's problems weren't related to creation. I needed to resolve them nonetheless. That's part of my job too... these things don't just go away.

I missed the days when I simply created games. I asked myself how long this frigid, stiff life would continue.

And suddenly I remembered the morning's boy. I hadn't realized it, but there's a sense in which I didn't have a jacket either.

Had he been my doppelganger? A luminous shadow? Had I seen a premonitory vision?

KojiPro sweltered like a greenhouse, but I shivered with toothy chills.

I was too busy to update HIDEOBLOG before the end of the day. I had written until 2 A.M. last night, but none of it was readable since I had been drinking. I tried to make corrections to HIDEOBLOG while I ate a sandwich bento in the evening too.

Everything seems meaningless.

I hardly had time to eat today.

All of the participants for OOOO Training had gathered on the fourteenth floor to watch a certain pre-training film. Mr. Mori had given it to us. He gave instructions to watch it before training, no excuses.

I have actually seen it in the theaters, but Mr. Mori advised me to rewatch it. I didn't have time for that of course, but all the other main members went to the fourteenth floor. KojiPro had a holiday's silence.

I received the final copy for Subsistence's and MGA2's commercials. Sony Computer Entertainment will broadcast them by the end of the year.

I really want those games to become hits.

I felt as though I saw myself at that moment, while I watched the MGA2 commercial. I felt only one difference between the commercial and myself: things in the commercial exploded with heat, and I felt exploded with coldness.

Mr. Senju reported our progress with the provisional schedule for Subsistence's release events.

"Will you have enough stamina for this, Director?" He looked at me pretty hard. "I still have my doubts about this. I can't say that it looks fun so far. Do you really think we ought to push ourselves to a twenty-four hour marathon's pace?"

"A twenty-four hour marathon pace... could we do something like that?"

I knew that Mr. Senju didn't need to answer when I saw his expression. The truth was written on his face.

"As I see it, we need to push this thing hard. We need to make it outrageous to the point that everyone will see what's going on and say, 'What the hell?!' Don't you agree?"

"Yeah. I think you're right." Mr. Senju assented.

I had traveled around Tokyo, Osaka, Kobe, and Kyoto for various events during last year's release tour. We had a tough schedule, but I really enjoyed it. The events happened all over the place and at all times... morning in Kyoto, the afternoon in Osaka, then over to Kobe, and back again to Osaka.

That schedule had really seemed impossible. We were so crunched for time that we actually traveled from the Shin-Osaka train station to Kobe via an old railroad line.

We had all worn khaki windbreakers with "MGS3" printed on the backs, and we wound up on a train packed with passengers. Complete strangers went out of their way to cheer us up on the JR Tokaido Line. Folks on the train platform often called for us to stop so they could shake our hands. I felt like I had reached my limit physically, but I made sure to spend as much energy for those fans as I had at TGS.

This year's schedule looks tougher than last year's. I wonder if I can make it. No, I'll have to do it. I'll just pay close attention to my physical well-being until the release date.

Ms. Sato and Ucchi entered my booth in the evening. "We found this, Director. Isn't it your iPod? You must have forgotten it."

I looked and saw that they held a silver iPod-Mini with white headphones attached. I showed them my green iPod-Mini on the desk. "No, this is mine."

They looked at my iPod. Their faces grew troubled. "So whose is this?"

"Do you mind if I check it out?"

"You think you'll be able to tell?"

"I'm certain that I can infer the owner from his music."

I took the iPod-Mini, turned it on, and selected the Artist Category from the menu. All of the items in the window were Japanese. Furthermore, I saw mostly very recent singers, with a few old-fashioned bands here and there.

"So what's the verdict?"

"Hmm...."

I suspected who owned the iPod-Mini, but I wasn't absolutely sure yet. It was still only a hunch.

I next selected the Album Category and read the titles as I turned the touchpad. The names ran by... Anzenchitai 1, Anzenchitai 2, Anzenchitai 3, Anzenchitai 4, Anzenchitai 5, and so on.

"I see...."

They reacted as soon as I had spoken. "Did you figure it out?"

"I did."

"So whose is it?" They leaned forward as though scrutinizing a card trick.

"Wait a second... I'm going to put the final nail in the coffin."

I turned the touchpad again. "Aha! Here it is!" The exact title that I had expected appeared in the window.

"Whose is it then?"

"It's Murashu's."

"Oh? How do you know? It doesn't show a name on it."

"An iPod is a kind of personal ID. We can learn the owner's musical tastes according to its contents." I explained everything as though I was Kosuke Kindaichi, the famous Japanese sleuth.

"Okay. So what's the clincher?"

"Look here… this! No one except Murashu would put this on an iPod."

I showed the player to them. Track titles from the Tokimeki Memorial Drama CD appeared all in a row.

"Oh... so Murashu-san listens to this?"

"I'll just return this to him."

Murashu had produced radio dramas for the Konami Media Entertainment division before he came to Konami-JPN. He had produced the MGS Drama CD.

He devoted most of his work toward a radio drama for the Tokimeki series. It had been a big hit at the time, broadcasted by Nippon Cultural Broadcasting, Inc. The program was later released as a Drama CD.

Murashu had put all of his radio productions on his iPod! He likes to listen to dramas that he produced himself. No one else is such a narcissist. That was the clincher.

Now that I think about it, an iPod's contents amount to quite personal information. From this alone we can learn a person's tastes, preferences, behavioral tendencies, and lifestyle. Junk mail companies would kill to get their hands on that data, as they do past video rentals.

It would be interesting if we swapped iPods whenever we first met someone. We'd probably understand each other more quickly. It seems like a good idea for arranged marriages and parties where two unfamiliar social groups hang out.

I heard that such exchanges are actually quite popular in America. Maybe I'll try swapping iPods the next time I meet someone new.

But what would happen if I dropped mine somewhere? It would expose my world. No one would get hurt in the process, but it still makes me uncomfortable. I think we could look at Murashu as a demonstration of that circumstance. We might see future identity theft crimes arise because of misused iPods.

I have heard that some shops in Akibahara sell old cell phones. Why would someone buy an unusable cell phone? To read the former owner's undeleted text messages… that's kind of disturbing.

Come to think of it, web browser bookmarks would be awkward too. They don't convey a person's identification data, but a stack of one's tastes and interests amounts to the same thing.

Actually, the most embarrassing thing is showing other people your diary, like HIDEOBLOG, for example.

My good buddy Piston Uehara from Power Professional Baseball visited my booth in the evening, just as I updated HIDEOBLOG. He had come to Tokyo to assist the conference that will start tomorrow.

"You ready for a little of this?" He made a glass-tipping gesture with his wrist near his mouth.

I had planned to swim, but I changed my mind and went for a drink instead. Quite a lot of Friendly Fire had hit me during the day. I knew that alcohol wouldn't heal my wounds, but I accepted Piston's invitation anyway. He's a good friend who knows how much it sometimes helps to be bad.

We went to the Nishi Azabu bar Sankyu, where I had gone with Murashu two months before. We ordered some snacks, and I got one beer with three glasses of wine.

Our conversation really livened up toward the end, as we recounted stories from our work during MSX development.

November's last day... the month seemed really short. The year has only one month left.

[canaryatlaw]

WOW I’VE BEEN AWAKE FOR 23 HOURS SO THAT’S FUN. lol, I did nap shortly this afternoon but I don’t think I actually fell asleep. but yeah, this morning my alarm went off at 3 am (eastern time, so 2 am central where it’s now 1 am) and I got out of bed, got ready, and thankfully got an uber to the airport (I was kinda worried we wouldn’t be able to get one at that hour in Jacksonville because, well, it’s not exactly Chicago), and were there shortly after. There were a surprising number of people in line for security for that hour, but the airport itself was pretty much abandoned, nobody was open yet. There were people inside the Starbucks (the front gate thing was down) but they weren’t opening until 5 and our plane took off at 5:15, so we’d already be long boarded since then, so breakfast was mostly a clementine and some belvita breakfast crackers we had. I attempted the second medium difficultly sudoku puzzle on the airplane magazine because it was the only one I hadn’t done yet, and I didn’t think I’d be able to finish it but I actually did, so I felt accomplished there. I pulled out my laptop to read some fanfic I had pulled up on my browser, then went back and did more sudoku because why the fuck not. I also ate some candy because I was hungry 🤷🏻‍♀️😂. Our plane landed at 6:45 am Chicago time, and Jess had to get to work by 8, so we were doing our best to get out of there but we had to wait for the shuttle to the economy lot (not the economy garage or the daily parking lot, both of which shuttles came before ours) so that took a while, and then the drive back up to the loop took a bit because Midway is pretty far on the south side. I pretty much jumped out of the moving car (okay that might be a slight exaggeration, but I definitely opened the door before the car stopped moving) at the Roosevelt red line stop so I could head over to school. I first stopped at the Starbucks across the street and got a venti pink drink (because it’s made with the refresher mix which is non-coffee caffeination) so I could try to wake up some more because the small cup of coke I had on the plane was not doing it. I then walked back to our building, as expected at 8 am, it was virtually abandoned, I’m pretty sure it’s the earliest I’ve ever even been at school, and I didn’t have class til 1 but I had plenty of stuff to work on so I settled into the PAD office and got to work. First was reading the case for civil rights for Wednesday, which clocked in at 36 pages, so I ended up reading the first half to figure out what was going on and then used the summaries to piece the rest of it together. Then came working on the rest of my Illinois Bar Exam application, which has been stressing me out a bit because apparently the DMV records I need to get them from NY can’t be downloaded online, I have to wait for them to send me a physical copy in the mail, which will probably not be postmarked by the April 1st deadline, which then puts my registration into the “really late” category and the fee jumps up another $350 (when it’s already like $1100 ffs) so I’d like to avoid that but I might not be able to 😑 as if they don’t have enough of my money already, I have to pay to take the test I’m forced to take to get certified as an attorney, and this is one I might not even take because as of now I’m gonna end up registering for the Illinois and New York bars, when in all likelihood (like 99% likelihood) I’m only gonna be taking one of them, which means I get to eat the $1K nonrefundable application fee 😑😑😑 wonderful, thanks government. So that took a while, but then I got back to my legal drafting assignment, which I’m fairly happy with right now, though at the same time I’m kinda nervous because my last few assignments have been getting such crappy grades, but I’m definitely putting more effort into this one and it is something I have real world experience doing, so that should help. plus we’re back in case-based reasoning, which is like, my jam, so I got to work finding an analogous case and stumbled upon a real winner that I was able to get a solid three paragraphs of analysis out of. It’s supposed to be 5-6 pages total, including the motion and brief in support of motion (basically the actual motion is a quick 1-2 page summary while the brief goes into details, but I just hit 5 pages on the brief and honestly I still have more stuff to say, so I’ll have to spend some time doing some editing and working on that. I’m trying to find a distinguishing case (meaning a case that goes against your argument that you can argue is distinguishable from the present case and that precedent shouldn’t apply) but since it’s motion to extend wardship a lot of what came up was juvenile justice stuff, not child protection, and it’s actually kinda hard to find info on those cases, so I may or may not end up finding one, but if there is one out there and I don’t find it (or ignore it) it could reflect badly upon me so I’m trying to avoid that for sure. A little after noon I stopped and got some salad from the place across the street (because yay salad~) and came back to school, eating my salad and then heading to civil rights. class was fine, I was feeling kinda antsy about maybe getting called on because I know it’s been a while, but not like super urgent about it so I wasn’t terribly surprised when I didn’t in fact get called on. Class ended, I dropped my book in the PAD office and then returned to Starbucks because I had to try their special “Crystal Ball Frappuccino” they were only having through today, because I had a birthday reward to use for a free drink and it was so kind of Starbucks to release a special drink for my birthday again, since back in 2015 they were featuring the birthday cake frap on my birthday, so clearly this was something I needed to try. It was pretty good! a solid peach flavor, I thought it was quite enjoyable. Took the train home and collapsed onto my bed for about an hour, though I don’t think I actually ever fell asleep, which is pretty typical for naps for me really. I got back up at 5 and spent a little while filling out the paperwork I need to send to the NY DMV tomorrow, then Jess came over and I ordered pizza. Jess gave me my birthday present, which is a super amazing and adorable friendship scrapbook featuring all our adventures so far and I love it so damn much and I feel super blessed to have gained an amazing best friend this year who’s made my life so much more fun. So we watched Mistresses waiting for Legends which we were of course very excited about because it was finally time for “I, Ava” which we had long been speculating on. I am already super tired and sleep is fast creeping up on me so I’ll try to keep this somewhat short (or we’ll see at least). I really liked the episode, I thought it was super well-written and just excellent all around. MY POOR BBY AVA. She was so obviously distressed but that scene with Sara reassuring her is my LIFE, and it gave me so much love, as did the following scene of them totally kicking ass together, just like, I am living my best life right now with my girls, my soft girlfriends who are totally endgame despite not officially being back together yet (I mean, Sara basically confessed her love for Ava tonight, so it’s really only a matter of time). Otherwise in the episode, the Nate and Kuasa/Damien stuff was pretty good, the one scene with Darhk and Nate pretending to be torturing Nate was fucking hilarious, they both played it so well. It’s gonna be a very interesting climax they’re building to with Darhk growing more and more concerned about his daughter and caring less about Mallus, and at this point (and given the promotional photos for 3x17 released today) it looks like Darhk may be the one the legends make an “uneasy alliance” with in 3x17. All the family stuff with Kuasa and Amaya and Mari (who I was kinda sad we didn’t get a cameo of, but I guess the actress is otherwise occupied) was both great and heartbreaking, so much emotion so well played by everyone. I wasn’t all that crazy about the Zari and Mick stuff, mostly because I feel like their characterization of Mick this season has been really poor, hitting an all time low tonight with him calling Zari a bitch. Like....what? I don’t understand why this is happening, it isn’t funny or entertaining, it’s just awkward. Give him something else to do please, and don’t keep writing him as a dumbass who’s just rude to everyone. But yeah, I liked the episode a lot (so much for keeping it short, but hey it happens). After the episode Jess was writing her episode tag and I attempted to get ice cream delivered because birthday but it ended up being a whole big fiasco and I wrote a very long note to postmates about it and I’m honestly hoping I get my money back because it was all just fucking ridiculous. but yeah, Jess finished writing, she left and I edited it for her while she walked home, then I started getting ready for bed and here we be. DV courthouse tomorrow, which I’m looking forward to because of course I genuinely enjoy working there. I only have two shifts left until I have to report my pro bono hours for school and I don’t think I’m gonna hit the 200 hours needed to get the award I want, and like, I’m somewhat tempted to fudge it but lying about pro bono hours sounds like a really not good thing to do....we’ll see I guess. Again, really fucking tired and glad I get to sleep until almost 11 tomorrow so I can at least catch up on sleep a little. Today was a lovely birthday. Goodnight my darlings. Have a lovely night.

[bgreenaker12]

It’s been my experience that people tend to fall into one of two categories when it comes to health, the first are those who are extremely vigilant about their health, they schedule regular Dr visits, even when nothing is wrong with them, they take the medications they are supposed to, they follow all their Physician’s instructions to the letter, and they go to the doctor’s office when something seems to be amiss. They are basically what could be called, a “good” patient.

Then there is the second category.

The one I was in.

This second category is filled with people like me who tend to be too busy, too stubborn, think that whatever is ailing them will “just go away”, don’t have health insurance, or they self diagnose from friends or the internet.

Yup, that was me.

A few years ago, near Thanksgiving, I almost died.

Not as a result of an accident, but because of my own inherent stubbornness and stupidity. My downward slide was so gradual that I never really recognized there was something truly wrong until it was almost too late. I had always been boringly healthy most of my life, except for a “funky form of Arthritis” as a Rheumatologist back in the early 90’s called whatever I had. Lab tests couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong with me then. Over the years, I gave up trying to figure out what my “malady” was and thought this was my lot in life, and moved on.

Fast forward a couple of decades to what would be the culmination of what happens when you ignore your health for way too long.

The first time I noticed anything was wrong, was a few years ago when I had been running a group home for brain injured adults. It was a rewarding, albeit at times, very stressful, frustrating and low paying, but an overall very satisfying job. Part of the job was going grocery shopping with the residents to teach life and financial skills. When we would arrive back to the residence from the supermarket, we’d bring the shopping bags into the house. No matter which way we entered the house we had to climb a flight of stairs to reach the kitchen. As I usually did when I went to the grocery store, I felt less trips back and forth from the car, would be more efficient. So when I carried two or three bags in each hand up the stairs, I noticed that my legs felt tired, really tired. Like I was walking in a deep pool with weights around my ankles. It was a huge struggle to accomplish this task, but me being me, I would soldier on. Besides, I just chalked it up to getting older, I was in my early fifties, and didn’t give it much more thought.

When I started having mood swings, I attributed them to Menopause. After all, I was the right age and hadn’t had a period in quite some time. My poor husband had to put up with me being such a bitch! I couldn’t help myself, I at times felt out of control and that really isn’t me at all, I’m usually pretty laid back. So in my mind, it had to be “the change of life” right? That line of thinking played heavily into what would happen during the next several months.

So, on I went, going about my business and coping with the “must be getting older” mentality. When my husband and I decided to move back to NY state from NH, to live and take care of with my elderly mother, it was very difficult for me to focus. My brain seemed so hazy sometimes that simple tasks like going to the store, or driving, were tiresome and difficult. Packing our things to move was exhausting. This wasn’t an everyday occurrence, just a feeling that would come and go. Quite frankly at that time, I was too busy to really pay attention and give credence to how I really felt. Driving in the moving caravan was taxing, I was on major interstates with confusing signage and during rush hour to boot. We eventually made it to our destination safely after ten hours of driving. As exhausting as the trip was, having to unload all of our belongings was more so, but I still managed.

Since I didn’t have a job, the next few months I would be my husband’s helper with his painting/handyman business although I would tire easily and need frequent breaks.

I would get intense hot flashes that would take quite a bit of time to cool down and I had a craving for almost frozen water. I noticed that I was losing weight. All my adult life I usually didn’t have any problem gaining weight, so losing wasn’t viewed by me as a bad thing. Besides, I had done an online search of Menopause symptoms and learned that some women actually lost weight instead of gaining, for once I thought the stars had aligned in my favor. It didn’t matter what I ate or how much, I was losing weight and loving it and I took full advantage of eating with gusto!

But soon there were other things, I was starting to lose more hair than usual and a couple of my toenails and fingernails were starting starting to look a little strange, the white part at the end of my nail was more pronounced, even though the nail itself was still fairly short, I was also getting short of breath going up a flight of stairs. Of course I rationalized those symptoms and did nothing.

At night I would take a slew of herbal medicines, antihistamines and a lot of Ibuprofen to go to sleep at night. Again, the internet searches I was doing, indicated that difficulty sleeping is perfectly normal for Menopause, so I ignored yet another big red flag.

Towards the Fall of that year I noticed that when I slept I would frequently wake up in the night, which wasn’t unusual, but I found myself mouth breathing during the night. I’ve never been a mouth breather except during the occasional Common Cold, so for the first time I was waking up to the reality that all was not right in my world.

I also noticed when I got hungry and waited too long to eat, I frequently would get nauseous and on many occasions, vomit. Which on an empty stomach, is no small feat! That was the case when we went to a mall, stayed too long and I ended up in the parking lot sitting in our car using an empty shopping bag to throw up in.

Charming.

My husband would nag and say, there was something wrong and I should see a doctor. He would tell me when I was having a hot flash that I looked like a red, melting candle. I always had an excuse as to why I didn’t call anyone, no primary doctor, not enough money and truth be told a good dose of fear, though I wouldn’t admit to that to him at the time.

To be honest also I was such a rotten bitch and would shut him out if he bugged me too much about my health. Since our recent move, I hadn’t yet found a job, so I had no health insurance and I was way too proud to sit in some welfare office and beg for Medicaid.

The hot flashes were becoming much more intense and my husband noted that if he was within six feet of me, he could feel the heat coming from me and see the pulse banging away in my neck. I was slowly coming around to the fact that all was not well, but I wasn’t quite there yet, despite the fact that it would be 25–30 degrees outside and I wouldn’t wear anything more than a tee shirt and would drive with the windows down because I was so hot. My husband absolutely refused to drive me with the windows down, so I would open the air vent on the passenger side to keep me cool whenever we went anywhere together.

I continued to lose weight and now my hands would shake like a detoxing alcoholic.

Around Thanksgiving, I had an opportunity to finally be employed so I applied for a job

helping the elderly by doing basic errands, cleaning their homes and providing companionship to them. After I applied with the agency, I was accepted on the condition that I have a pre-employment physical. By this time quite frankly I was glad for the upcoming appointment, partially because I might get some answers about what was going on with me and also, it wouldn’t cost me a dime.

By now my heart rate was quite rapid all the time, even when I was sitting still and at times I was having palpitations, that was very scary for me although I would push those fears down, no sense in borrowing trouble I thought, there might be a simple answer to how I feeling, I rationalized.

It’s very interesting how when you’re sick, you will do anything to deny there is a problem.

I could no longer sleep on my stomach anymore, because I could feel my pulse pounding in my neck and I felt like I was choking.

Wonderful.

The day of my physical finally arrived and I drove myself to the medical complex which was about seven miles from home. I checked in with the receptionist and sat in a full reception area waiting for my name to be called. Finally it was my turn and I walked back to the exam room with the nurse and we stopped in the hallway so I could get weighed, I was pleased to see I was still losing weight despite all the food I had been eating lately. Next we sat down in an exam room and she took my blood pressure. As I watched her pump up the cuff, I was keenly aware of just how tight it was getting and how high up the needle was going. As she released the pressure and listened to my arm under the cuff, she frowned and sort of shook her head and repeated the whole process again and again. When she finished the third time she raised her eyebrows and for the first time, really looked at me. “How do you feel?” she asked me.

“Fine, the same way I always do.” I said

“Your blood pressure is 220 over 132” she said.

“Oh” I replied.

I was unable to comprehend what she was telling me, but I was starting to feel the panic rising in my chest. The nurse then got up and made a call.

After that a Doctor came into the room and took my pressure again. Then again. She looked at me and asked a few questions. She asked the nurse some questions, then she made a phone call and another Doctor, her boss came into the exam room. He repeated the same steps as the previous Doctor with the same results, blood pressure that was way too high, and my resting heart rate was a sustained 146 beats per minute. I was near tears as I realized that this was quite serious as the medical team huddled in a group to to decide what to do next.

Apparently someone called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. I refused, saying that I was fine to drive myself, that the hospital was literally half a mile up the street from my house. What I was too embarrassed to say to them was I was driving our only car and all I could think of was how was my husband going to retrieve our vehicle from 7 miles away? Also, I just couldn’t imagine myself riding in an ambulance, that was for really sick people and besides, how much would that cost me? The stupid things you think of in moments of panic. I was thinking as I was driving home that maybe I should have taken the ambulance, what if something happens? But I drove on and went home. Once there I informed my husband what had been said at my physical and then burst into tears. I’m not usually a crier in front of anyone, even my husband. I acknowledged for the first time that there was truly something wrong and now I was forced to confront my lax attitude towards my health.

We drove the 3 blocks to the hospital’s ER and once there, a nurse greeted me by name at the door, escorted me to a room in the back somewhere and took my blood pressure, this time it was 225/140. She then escorted to my own room further down the hall. I found out later that the “team” already had a heads up that I was on my way there and had a room in the back waiting for my arrival. I guess when your b/p was as high as mine was, you get to skip the line and the waiting room chairs. A saving grace from listening to wailing babies and watching bad tv with the volume on mute.

Once in the ER room, I was greeted by a few doctors and nurses who had many questions for me then in quick efficiency drew blood, started an IV and ordered quite a few tests including a chest x-ray, and EKG, and lab tests. After six hours of poking and prodding, my “team” finally had an answer for me. I was having a Thyroid Storm, which is a life threatening condition related to untreated Hyperthyroidism. I was told by one of the ER Doctors that he was very glad I came in when I did, otherwise I could have died before Thanksgiving and that would have been a bummer of a holiday.

It’s a very strange feeling when you’ve considered yourself to be boringly healthy, except for those pesky Arthritic symptoms, most of your life to find out you were off base.

Way off.

I had been ill for years and figured that my symptoms were minor things until they became more severe. Then, after consulting with Dr. Google, I attributed my condition to Menopause.

Now, let me be clear, I was also suffering from Menopause, but with all the other symptoms I was having, I should have taken my butt to a doctor long before I was finally forced to. It’s been 5 years and I still struggle with keeping my Thyroid under control, my weight has yo-yoed up and down quite dramatically so I have clothes that reflect that reality crammed into my dresser and closet. It took many, many months, to get my Thyroid under control and all these years later, I’m still having my medicine adjusted to bring me to within normal limits.

One benefit of all these trips to see the doctor have produced an answer to my other condition that had been plaguing me for over 25 years with no answer, I also have Systemic Lupus. With that new diagnosis, I have good days and bad ones, just like I always have, only now I know what to call my “malady.” I also have found out that of people who have Systemic Lupus, 10% will develop Hypothyroidism which is a too low functioning Thyroid, while 1% will develop the way too fast Hyperthyroidism.

So I guess I’m a 1 percenter in something!

My Thyroid medication often causes my Lupus symptoms to flare up so it’s a tricky balancing act. Because of my regular visits to the Endocrinologist, I have discovered I have have three nodules on my Thyroid, two between my Thyroid and my vocal cords, the other sitting very closely to my Carotid Artery. So far, so good on them, but at some point because of their locations and that fact that they are slowly growing, I will probably have to have my Thyroid removed surgically in the future.

I’m not looking forward to that, but I will be an obedient, “good” patient.

Overall, I feel better than I have in years by managing my health. My advice to women everywhere is this, please don’t assume, rely on the internet or friends when it comes to your health and well being. Go to a medical professional and consult with them. You also don’t have to be middle age to have this condition, if you feel like something could be wrong, seek professional help, it could save your life!