#I’ve only had one person ever do voice acting from my art

[wrtingsoftheunknown]

Vincent Sinclair HC

Vincent Sinclair hc SFW and NSFW

I’ve haven’t  been seeing my boy get repped recently so I have to do it myself. My first time writing something on here or towards this character ,I promise I will get better y'al,l I made this super quickly not proofread oops.

SFW

-While he can be insecure about his face he definitely has an ego from being the favorite child and having perfected his craft.

Lester drags him out to go for a ride around town or force him to come to his place for some quality brother time (Bo joins every now and then but wants peace and quiet dammit )

‘I know a lot of people have him learn sign language but I think he either writes what he wants to say, speaks as best as he can, or gestures, ( he was born in the south to parents that I don't think cared about communicating with him too much but he could have picked it up later in life maybe in his teen years or middle school era)

More sadistic than Bo when it comes to killing, he doesn't care if they are dead or alive when working on them and takes satisfaction in the result of his work

He prefers to work in silence but you can catch him humming now and then some country song or a guilty pleasure pop song from the 80’s( I see you Vince)

I think he partakes in multiple forms of art besides wax work.We see he’s able to paint, draw, but he also  takes pictures, , sews, writes, makes videos, anything artistic he’s learning and keeping up with new techniques.

Since he takes video of the killings at times I think they sell them as snuff films to make extra cash on top of stealing and selling victims stuff. (At least that’s what I thought when I first watched the film anyone else or just me)

Rarely happens but will keep victims that interest him like Bo ,but dispose of them when they get boring  or no longer match up the ideal version of them in his head.

-Does want a lifelong partner, the white wedding and picket fence, kids,  but knows it might be difficult with the line of work he does.

- He can talk but only does when it’s important or to emphasize something. He does have a southern draw like Bo and I imagine his voice to sound similar but raspier, maybe deeper/ quieter from not using it as much.

-like I said earlier you have to really catch his attention and be able to hold it for more than a week, if that happens then he’s obsessed and protective maybe a little too over protective.

Does indeed have a hair care routine I believe this full throttle and no one can can tell me otherwise I'm not listening.

NSFW

I don't know if he’s a virgin, I don't think he is something is telling me he isn't, but i’m not sure

He has no problem with nudity, bodies are seen as art, there's not as much of a sexual connotation with them as with Bo and Lester .

He wants to be in love with the person he is intimate with, he wants to be worship and worship his muse.

Drawings  of his partner naked as well as in the midst of a passionate night, he might tease them all night to make sure the sketch is as life like and accurate as possible

Good size and thick that's all I gotta say

Praise kink hard core, hearing his partner call him a good boy or how he makes them feel so good he will crumble

He starts slow and sensual, enjoys the control he has and having someone at his power.

I think he will edge you and leave you high and dry when you act out but he always caves by the end of the day and gives you what you need.

Can last a long time surprisingly

Mainly a giver but someone please for the love of god give this man the nastiest had he’s ever received will make the prettiest noises 

Is down to try anything new and more open about sex than you would think.

When he’s horny he comes up behind his partner and starts caressing every inch he can reach, while resting his chin on their shoulder acting as innocent as he can.

[kurishiri]

05 . . . main story

— this translation may not be 100% accurate or may contain creative liberties. if you enjoy, please consider reblogging, but don’t repost or claim these as your own!

— cw: objectification, infantilization, non-consensual touching and invasion of personal space, obsessive and possessive behavior.

—— Dream ——

——What a beautiful child. You have golden locks like the madam.

Maid: He’s almost like an angel. Come now, look at those jewel-like eyes.

Butler: He was born to be happy; that is how beautiful he is.

It was almost as though being beautiful was a condition to be happy.

Everyone smiled and praised his beauty with their lips — except for one.

(If I just have this, it will all be alright.)

(That’s why, please smile—)

——Please don’t look at me with those sad eyes.

Maid’s voice: Kyaaah!! S-someone, come here—!!!

——It’s not enough. I need more.

I need enough, to compensate for the happiness I stole away.

I need the most beautiful thing in the world—

—— End dream ——

Elbert: ...ngh, ...hah, hah...

As if seeking air on the water’s surface from the depths of the sea, he awoke from his bed with a start.

Elbert: ...Hah......

It was still dark outside the window, and when he looked at the clock, it was apparent not even two hours had passed.

Elbert: ...

His gaze dropped to his palm. There laid the shell she had given him, which had not shifted since before he fell asleep.

Ever since she gave him it at the beach, he had not let go of it since.

Elbert: ...

He tried to put it on top of the nightstand — but after tens of seconds of hesitation,

He pulled out a suitable box from the drawer of the nightstand, and locked the shell in there.

He then selected a suitable pen from the many he had and scribbled something on the back of a postcard, depicting a scene from a certain somewhere.

Elbert: ...Hah...

He then placed the postcard gently in the box, then once again sank into his bed.

Some days after Lord Elbert had taken me to the beach——

Elbert: Kate... are you alright?

Kate: A little nervous... but overall I’m fine.

Alfons: You could hardly persuade anyone that you’re fine when you’re thiiis stiff.

Kate: Uwah!?

Alfons: Oh my, all I did was trace your back... you’re quite inexperienced, no?

Elbert: Al, don’t do that.

Alfons: Yes, yes.

We had been keeping tabs on the Bernard Company, so we were headed to the party where art collectors gathered.

(The Bernard Company was the criminal organization who had attacked the inn where Daisy worked.)

(When I think about how we might run into one of the perpetrators... it’s harder to not be nervous.)

Elbert: ...It’ll be alright.

Giving me a fleeting sidelong glance at my being a nervous wreck, Lord Elbert murmured.

Elbert: No matter what happens... I won’t let anyone hurt you.

(Lord Elbert...)

Kate: ...Thank you.

(I can’t afford to get in the way of these two, as they are on a mission.)

(I need to pull myself together.)

Our plan today was for me and Elbert to act as collectors, and for Alfons to be an attendant.

And our goal for today was to get to know the host art dealer of this gathering, who seemed to be a member of the Chamber of Commerce.

(If we raise any suspicion before we put our plan into action, it’ll be the end for us.)

The clothes we’re wearing today were all those Elbert had bought the previous day.

Even one small accessory cost more money than I could make in a lifetime.

(But... just for now, I’ll have to wear this and become a natural noble lady.)

Kate: I’m alright now. Let’s go.

Elbert: ... [surprised]

Alfons: Hehe... you are quite a courageous little robin, contrary to what I expected.

I followed the two of them, and immediately upon entering, I felt the line of sight of the surrounding attendants unanimously turn to focus on us.

Girl with a folding fan: Aahh... he’s here. What beauty...!

Gentleman with glasses: I can only let out a sigh... look at those eyes like blue sapphires.

Noble woman with curly hair: Haa... He is surely more beautiful than any art piece here I’ve laid my eyes on today.

Even if I wanted to block those murmuring voices out, I couldn’t.

Along with the gazes surrounding Lord Elbert, they couldn’t stop letting out sighs of admiration.

Elbert: ...

Every time I heard those voices of admiration, and every step we took up the stairway,

it became clear that a shadow was forming over Elbert’s expression.

Alfons: You appear quite pale, Elbie. Would you like to take a rest?

Elbert: No… I’m fine.

(He looks far from ‘fine’ to me though…)

Kate: Lord Elbert, please don’t push yourself.

Elbert: I won’t… thank you.

(…As I thought, he is not fine.)

(It’s only natural he would become weary of all those who stared at him and admired him as though he were a work of art.)

Lord Elbert’s expression was downcast, to the point it wouldn’t be unreasonable to think there was something more.

(Will he really be okay…)

——Lined up in the hall, which was brightly lit by a chandelier, were many works of art.

(Wow… it’s almost like an art museum.)

There were paintings and plaster figure statues… there were all kinds of art that it was almost blinding.

But, when I thought about how these pieces of art were obtained through immoral ways, I couldn’t feel moved.

Middle-aged gentleman: Hello there, Elbert. I was waiting for you.

White-haired lady: My, my, your face is as beautiful as ever. I almost want to keep you by my side as decoration and admire you.

Green-eyed lady: Oh, how I missed you, Elbert!

Elbert: …

All of a sudden, a group who appeared to be Lord Elbert’s acquaintances had gathered around us.

The lively voices continued to spread, so I distanced myself a little from Lord Elbert.

Kate: It seems Lord Elbert is quite popular.

Alfons: …Indeed.

I made some small talk with Alfons, keeping my voice quiet.

I couldn’t help but notice how little Alfons spoke, for someone who was normally more talkative.

(But it’s a bit of a relief to know that Lord Elbert has people he knows.)

(He seems a little down, but I hope he will feel better if he talks with them.)

That gave me a sense of calm, and when I looked back at Lord Elbert and his acquaintances—

Middle-aged gentleman: I wonder how many years have passed since I could look at you like this. Come now, show your face so I can see it better.

The gentleman, who clearly exuded an air of nobility, used both of his hands to cup Lord Elbert’s cheeks.

Then, he leaned in close enough that their lips might end up meeting.

(…Why…?)

Lord Elbert said nothing, nor did he show any signs of protest.

He simply let the other do what he wanted with him.

Middle-aged gentleman: Oh, you mustn’t turn away from me. Look at me, Elbert.

Elbert: …Alright.

Even I could see that this was clearly not a normal way to greet someone.

The middle-aged gentleman, as if making sure of a doll’s craftsmanship,

tilted Lord Elbert’s face left and right, admiring him.

Middle-aged gentleman: Truly, your beauty is second to none.

Green-eyed lady: Elbert, turn toward me as well… My, are you a little short on sleep, perhaps?

Elbert: …I’m fine.

White-haired lady: Are you sure? You aren’t so scared you can’t sleep, aren’t you? I can sing you a lullaby again.

Elbert: …Thank you.

(Is this… his ‘normal’?)

Along with words of admiration for his physique, they touched all over Lord Elbert’s body.

It was almost as though he were being put on display.

Even though Lord Elbert donned a deeply pained expression, he didn’t try to avoid their hands.

Kate: Um, Alfons…

Alfons: What is it?

I was hoping he could help when I looked beside me, but he only responded back to me with a cool voice.

Kate: Maybe I am speaking out of turn, but… would it not be best to stop that…?

Alfons: If you wish to intervene, by all means, do what you will. I won’t be saying anything though.

A: That said, it is not the first time what we are seeing here has happened to Elbie.

Kate: …Are you saying this is common?

My own voice trembled from fear.

Alfons didn’t answer, simply letting a small, fleeting smile play on his lips.

Alfons: Anyhow, please make sure not to forget ‘our role’ here.

A: After all, if a servant acts without being ordered to do so by their master, they won’t be forgiven.

(I see… so it’s because today, Alfons is playing the role of a servant.)

(Then, I’m the only one who can stop this situation…?)

Elbert: …

When I turned back toward Lord Elbert, I saw that his face had paled.

(It looks like he’s hurting, so why…)

I had listened in on the voices of the people who were smitten with Lord Elbert’s physique from a short distance away.

Girl with a folding fan: …What is with them? Are they trying to brag to us?

Gentleman with glasses: No, I understand how they feel. If I were allowed, I would want to admire him from up close as well.

Noble woman with curly hair: I would give up all my belongings to be able to touch his skin… just what can I do to get closer to him?

My heart felt cold hearing that.

It was sad hearing those words that seemed to insinuate that Lord Elbert was like some jewel or accessory.

(If he stays here, the situation will only grow more strange—)

(And right now, Lord Elbert was probably, no… definitely hurting more than me.)

Kate: Alfons…

Alfons: Yes?

Kate: I will try my best not to get in the way of the mission, so.

Without finishing my thought, I stepped forward.

Acting as an escort, I approached Lord Elbert from behind and gently touched his elbow.

Kate: Lord Elbert, it would appear as though the host has not yet arrived… so, would you care to come outside?

Elbert: …Kate.

Deep blue eyes that resembled the ocean regarded me.

But it seemed like those eyes dulled the heart, and there was an emptiness somewhere within.

Kate: U, um… your complexion looks slightly pale, and so I figured going outside for some fresh air would benefit you…

Green-eyed lady: I apologize, but who might you be? Elbert, is she a new guard or something else of the sort?

Green-eyed lady: If that is the case, then excuse me, but your dress looks like it’s weeping. Not to mention your conduct is quite disgraceful.

Middle-aged gentleman: Haha, there is no need to go that far; I feel bad for her now.

Middle-aged gentleman: Young miss, we have been Elbert’s acquaintances since he was young. So, would you mind staying out of this?

I could feel the gazes of the three people surrounding Elbert, and the gazes from my surroundings in general, seem to glare daggers.

(But…)

I can’t just leave Lord Elbert, whose face was becoming blue, alone to fend for himself.

Middle-aged gentleman: Are you listening, young miss?

Kate: …!

A hand found its way under my chin and with a sharp motion, forced me to look up.

Middle-aged gentleman: Now, that just won’t do, a rubbish stone like you, standing among the finest gem in the showcase.

White-haired lady: Truly… she is a disgrace to beauty.

The heartless words directed at me put me on edge.

(I know without anyone telling me that I’m not suited for a place like this.)

(But, aren’t the things that these people are doing here more of an embarrassment?)

Middle-aged gentleman: What is that look in your eyes?

The gentleman’s face grew red with anger, and I felt a shiver run down my spine. But—

Elbert: ……Could you stop?

With just a few words from Lord Elbert, the room grew deathly silent.

Elbert: Touching her, criticizing her… please stop that.

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[silusvesuius]

Your Depiction of Ulfric is literal perfection. I’ve never seen anyone who sees him in a similar way to me, until I found your account last year. I fucking love miserable old man Ulfric who could never catch a break since the day he was born. Every major event in his life (he can’t even decide which one’s the worst) shaped him in the worst yet most interesting way possible. I can’t speak enough about him, his messed up self esteem clashing with his ego, his repressed emotions and sexuality, his shattered image of his own body and mind, the constant loud arguments between the voices in his head (mostly just him arguing with hallucinations) *I’m definitely not projecting here* his unstable mood, his flashbacks and his odd obsessions with random harmful patterns he associates with familiarity. Because to him familiar=safe even if he’s basically only familiar to a constant state of worry and feeling like he’s being targeted or hunted down.

None of this seems to be getting better, at least not in a notable speed. Yet they’re all existing within a strong and powerful man. It’s quite the combination, he’s being weighted down by all of that baggage but his back is too strong to bend. He appears as if he has nerves of steel from the outside, but really if anything is made of steel in his mind, it’s the vessel that he uses to bottle all of that trauma up.

I already had a vague idea of his complicated relationship (obviously) with Elenwen but your version literally felt like it opened my third eye. It is scrumptious and your art is so beautiful it depicts every essence of it all perfectly without even needing to include words. I fell in love with it at first sight.

dis answer is kinda long so i'm (crumpling it up and tossing it under the cut)

Omg wtf Thank you's 🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕💕 this is so well put together into words; i will do 9543 backflips for demented ulfric always. i've grown to like him in canon too cause he really has that, wouldn't even call it deceitful, weirdly-content personality.. but i don't think anyone in the writing room in sk*rim HQ knows how to write a character that has been through Anything, event of any kind, so he seems too 'perfect' for a person that has been through literal physical torture, to me, and his reactions to things that should be greatly upsetting are too mild. even though him being elenwen's victim is a piece of information that's easy to miss it seems like it also completely slipped out of the writing IOFDHDJFUIO LOL.. it all obviously adds up to him seeming more appealing as a fashie character to the audience, cus a visibly mentally unwell man wouldn't do it for most people, especially when you want to sway someone to be on his side of things.

i think it's quite smart for the st*rmcloaks to be presented as the more warm and welcoming types of people but ulfric should be the coldest of them all. Bro shouldn't even have the mental and physical capacity to seem Content with his life especially in that moment. he should be the type to use his civil war motivations as an excuse to stay alive if that makes sense, cause i don't think he really wants to live, but he has things to do to keep his mind and hands busy xchkvcjcvkl//

i also really love how ulfric only has galmar as someone he's really close to, it always seemed beyond genius to me, to write them like that, it's cute... he rly is the only person to suffer thru 4 hours of ulfric Peak psychosis monologue followed by 2 hours of trying to prove to him that th*lmor and imperial soldiers aren't hiding in the chests and under the beds of the palace LMFAOO galmar is the one guy who he can sob in front of and act like a little baby fishing for compliments and reassurance, and, not all that related to ulfric as a whole, but i strongly believe that having him be so vulnerable with galmar would make galmar really excited, it would make him feel good, like no other damsel in distress could deliver that feeling EVER. having such a seemingly-strong political figure rely on you Badly and madly would feel like something else entirely 💗 it's very off-putting and perhaps inappropriate of him to feel that way when ulfric is just searching for stability, but i think that even if ulfric knew galmar felt that way he wouldn't really gaf LOL. he'd turn to elenwen if there was no one else to go to cause he 'knows' her, and he'd torment elisif cause he 'knows' her as well.. but he would be completely closed off from making connections with other people 🏆

+ bonus; elenwen's feelings for him would border on everything at once, like, every type of relationship and connection that ever exists.. she really views him as the food she left over in the fridge and will get to eat when she's back from work as a reward

tl;dr him being scarier and more .. unkempt? from the outside would make him even cooler tbhs. he should become christian and develop religious OCD

[arimiadev]

2023 Year in Review

2023 has come and gone—it feels like it was just a week ago that my grandma was complaining that Thanksgiving and Christmas were too close together, and now it’s January. I spent the last 2 weeks of 2023 sick (I still am), which made it go by like a blur.

2022 was a fresh slate for me, with a new job, a new home, and new projects. 2023 was a year of finding a new rhythm—figuring out how I work best and molding my work time around that rather than trying to make myself go against the flow.

Working from home is truly a blessing and a curse. I do think that it has more positives than negatives (especially right now as I’m able to work while being sick and don’t have to take time off), but navigating around the negatives is tricky. The main problem I’ve faced, aside from lack of interaction with non-family, is that it’s harder for me to focus on work when I end up spending almost all of my awake hours at my desk, either for my fulltime job or for VN development or for relaxing.

I’ve had to mix things up, usually taking my laptop to other parts of the house or even working outside of home some days. Even if it’s only for a few hours, it helps reset the fatigue of being at my desk all day every day. It doesn’t always work, and one problem I ran into for most of the year was being unable to focus on writing. Art and scripting are more “mindless” for me, I can do them with a video or voice call in the background, but writing is something I’ve always struggled to concentrate on.

This year was my first year attempting NaNoWriMo, though a more casual version of it. A few other devs were also entering NaNoWriMo to work on their projects so I hopped on too. I wanted to use the hype of the event to push myself to focus on writing, and it worked! My goal was to hit 30k total words in the month across multiple projects—which is about what I write in half a year—and I hit it.

Projects

Canvas Menagerie continued to be my main project in 2023. I was able to release several new demo builds for the project, mainly redoing and improving artwork for the game. My art has been improving a lot the past couple of years which is a good and a bad thing—it’s good because I’m improving and it’s bad because it means I have to redo or edit older game art!

I was also able to finish writing Act 2, meaning that Canvas Menagerie is 2/3rds written! A lot of good progress was made on it this year and I hope to continue (and maybe finish?) that this year.

I also got a trailer for it by Hatoge, a fellow BL developer! It came out so nice…

My other main project for 2023 was Lost Lune, a project I started in 2022. It was meant to be a small-ish project for Winter VN Jam 2022, but I ran into some issues with the story structure.

Lost Lune is a story I like but have had a hard time figuring out how to put the world and characters into words. I have an understanding on how the plot progresses, but due to a few different reasons it’s been hard to actually write it. One reason has been the unconventional format for the story, with it flipping between the past and present in a linear way. The other reason I’ve had a hard time with it is the character personalities—Weiss, the main character, is much more forward, blunt, and promiscuous than characters I’ve written before. It’s also the darkest setting I’ve ever written in as it’s set in a post apocalypse.

Thanks to NaNoWriMo I was able to get over 9k more written for the story, leading to about half of the story currently being written. I’d like for the project to be finished this year, but it’s hard to say when.

A small project I worked on for Ludum Dare & Otome Jam this year was a short game featuring some of my oldest OCs, where you play as a witch returning home and helping her father’s delivery service. I wanted to make something more experimental than what I usually make and something just for me.

I ended up adding some extra features to it but never released the updated build, so maybe sometime in the future…

My last project for this year was Asphodelium, my Winter VN Jam 2023 entry. I’ve had a hard time describing it, but basically it’s a dark slice of life romance about the members of a disbanded adventurer’s guild after stopping a doomsday cult at the cost of killing their former leader who betrayed them. Hazel, the one who dealt the final blow, has had the hardest time moving on—until one day he’s approached by a man with the same face as their dead leader.

This was a story I got the idea for sometime in September and began writing on a whim in the middle of October and ended up writing a majority of in November for NaNoWriMo. I didn’t expect the script to get far but here I am, 40k words later…

I finished the script and most of the art in December but was unable to completely finish the game because I got sick before Christmas. Just another WIP to finish this year…

Articles

This year I didn’t make as many articles as in years prior, a trend that will probably go forward. I do still want to write articles on marketing and visual novel dev, but I feel like it’s a waste of time to rehash old topics or talk about social media algorithms and such.

One thing I started this year for articles was interviews with fellow developers, starting with my friend ingthing. I don’t want my articles to be just my own opinions, so I want to get more voices out there. In 2024 I want to do more interviews with other devs to share their views on development.

With a record high amount of games we had to judge for Spooktober VN Jam this year, I wrote up a post about my takeaways from the jam with some commentary from my fellow judges. I was blown away by the response the article received, with it being one of my top 3 articles of all time now.

My last blog post—I hesitate to call it an article—that I wrote in one frantic day somehow was my favorite of the year. After months of radio silence from Aniplex US about Mahoyo, the first TYPE-MOON (pure) visual novel to be released officially in English on Steam, I did a deep dive into why they had forsaken such easy money by refusing to market it. The end result? Well, we’ll probably never know why, but it’s clear that someone at Aniplex made the decision to not give a budget to their marketing teams for Mahoyo and instead let the fans market it themselves.

Art

This year was a bit sparse for full artworks, with a majority of them being for Canvas Menagerie. I got a lot more comfortable drawing his hair!

I also got more into Holostars EN this year with the introduction of the second half of Holostars Tempus, the Vanguard unit (but mainly Gavis Bettel). I was following Tempus from the beginning and was a big fan of Magni and Vesper, but Bettel won as my kamioshi. He’s also the only one in the snapshot above (for August) that’s fanart, as the rest are OCs.

Goals

2023 Goals:

Fully write Act 2 of Canvas Menagerie: Canvas Menagerie is currently split up into 3 acts, around 50k words long for each act. I was able to finish the first draft for Act 2 in October! It ended up being much shorter than I estimated, but that’s how things go sometimes.

Release demo for Lost Lune: …Well, this kinda happened but not really. I wanted to release a longer demo for Lost Lune as the current playable build is more like a teaser—it’s very short and only features 2 out of an estimated 20~ days. I did however end up reprogramming the playable build, changing the main character from a side sprite to being on screen with several other visual changes. I’m much happier with this direction for the game.

Write more consistent devlogs: This also didn’t really happen as my intention was to write an article a month, but with our physicals Kickstarter earlier this year, other things took higher priority. I also realized pretty early on in the year that I’m tired of writing about social media algorithms and want to write about more interesting game dev and marketing topics, like case studies and such.

Open a merch shop: This was the first goal I accomplished this year! It was also the easiest since it was already mostly set up. You can see the merch shop for my games here—I think it’s pretty cute.

2024 Goals:

Fully write Act 3 of Canvas Menagerie: Self-explanatory. I want to get to a first draft state for all of CM. I doubt I’ll be able to finish the game next year unless I get a whirlwind of inspiration as it still needs around 40-50k words, 25+ CGs, 5+ character sprites and more, but we’ll see how far I get.

Write more of Lost Lune: I was able to write over 10k this year for Lost Lune while working on other stuff and in 2024 I want to get close to finishing the script if not finishing it.

Release the full version & an artbook for Asphodelium: Due to getting sick at the end of December, I wasn’t able to fully release Asphodelium. It’s pretty close to being done so it shouldn’t take long to finish it. I also want to release a (digital) artbook for it, as I have a lot of design notes for the LI. It’s also been quite a while since I released an artbook so I want to try making one again.

Go to an out-of-town convention: All my life, I’ve only ever attended the anime conventions in the Memphis area. Despite Memphis being a big city, the conventions here…aren’t really ran by people who want to expand it or even really change anything, so for the past decade it’s been in stagnation. At Studio Élan we’re boothing at more conventions this year, and I want to help! I’m hoping to go to Offkai Expo this summer.

Share more VNs I like: Thanks to rejoining Tumblr in late 2022, I’ve become more acquainted with visual novel players over there and I want to talk more about visual novels that I play. There’s a lot of great games out there that people just don’t hear about, so I want to talk about VNs more.

I feel like in 2023 I was starting to find my “thing”—I really like talking about VNs and I want to share unheard of and underrepresented developers to others! I’ve become bored of making generic marketing articles but I’ve found joy in making posts in collaboration with other devs or sharing other VNs.

2024 is a bit of a scary year and has me rather nervous, but I hope we’ll all make it through it. I want to finish some of the stuff I’ve began and I want to share more lesser known visual novels.

I hope this year will be better for us all. Until next time!

— Arimia

[let-the-valleys-awake]

I watched Across The Spiderverse yesterday, here are my two(hundred) cents!

This will just be a lot of me gushing about how much I love ATSV, no theories because I’m not smart enough for that 💀

ATSV SPOILERS!!

ATSV SPOILERS!!

Alright, let’s get into it. (These are in no particular order and I prob forgot a lot of stuff)

Am I the only one who thought Hobie was a whole ass adult? Like he looks at least 20 am i crazy? (Keep in mind I have no prior comic knowledge sorry bout that 💀)

THE ANIMATION STYLES!!! Omfg they were so good, like the occasional live action elements, the LEGO UNIVERSE, Hobie’s whole thing, it’s all just so fucking cool!! Especially the comic book textures with like the shading and rough line art it’s all just so fun to look at

I kinda hate Miguel but I gotta be honest he is SUCH A GOOD ANTAGONIST. Like he has good intentions (I think) but goes way overboard due to past memories. He isn’t truly evil, he just projects all of his past mistakes onto Miles. He is just barely in the ‘I don’t like you’ category for me but what he did to Miles was wack so he’s staying there.

If I had to pick a favorite, it would be Spider Punk. I’m just a sucker for cool characterization and ‘mess shit up’ people. His big brother dynamic with Miles is just so fucking fun dude. I also just like listening to his voice, bravo to Daniel Kaluuya, he did a great job. Also I heard that just Hobie’s animation alone took about 2 years to do (could be lies)

Pavitr was 🤏this close to being my favorite. If he got more screen time he defo would’ve been my number one, because HOLY SHIT he is the silliest mfer I’ve ever seen. I love the detail on his suit and when he uses his bangles as like yo-yos. And his banter with the other three was just so cute. Like when he went ‘Another easy win for Spider-Man-‘ and everything fucking explodes, I was cracking up 😭😭

The marketing and like almost non-existent foreshadowing for the Spot being one of the main antagonists was so genius!! Like the trailers painted him as just a random guy Miles fought, because that’s how he saw him! As just another d-list villain!! Also The Spot’s lines are so funny dude, and his voice-acting, like the pinnacle of Average Joe™ but he also shares a VA with Ash from Fantastic Mr Fox soooo

I SAW 20 SECONDS OF SUN SPIDER AND I AM BEGGING FOR MORE she’s so fun

In the scene where Gwen n Miles are sitting together upside down, there’s a shot where they are just tiny in the corner and it’s just the whole cityscape, and it is one of my favorite shots in the whole movie, it was so fucking beautiful. The two are small and upside down to show how ostracized and different they feel from the rest of society. (because they are) But, a minute later, it flips so that the two are sitting right side up while the cityscape is upside down, which symbolizes their bond and how they find solace in each other.

I love how the background fades and melts as Gwen is having the confrontation with her Dad near the end. I can’t remember any specifics because it’s been two days since I saw it, but it was so telling how everything melded together except Gwen and her Father because that’s all Gwen could think about.

I thought the movie was PG but they cursed at least like three times so that’s fun

MILES WITH BRAIDS 😍😍 honestly I can’t tell which style I like more, they both match each version’s demeanor so well.

The way I could immediately tell in earth-42 at the end that something was up with Uncle Aaron. But like, aside from the fact that he was alive 💀. His face was constantly casted in shadow with his eyes highlighted, if I remember correctly I think they were purple tinted as well? These not-so-subtle art choices were so beautifully crafted to give me just the right sense of unease.

I really wished they did more with Jessica Drew. I just feel like she was kind of a blank slate with no truly discerning personality. I did like her internal conflict with following Miguel’s orders and doing what’s right. I really hope she has a larger role in Beyond or I’ll be sad.

The themes of teenage relationships are so fucking powerful in this movie and I think that’s beautiful. Neither Miguel nor Jessica supported Miles, or even Gwen. All of their comfort came from each other. Hobie, Pavitr, Gwen, and Miles’s bond is so strong because they are all truly there for each other.

I am so disappointed that we didn’t see any Spider Noir. He was one of my faves in the first movie 😭

Hobie + Pavitr has gotta be one of my favorite duos. Especially in Hobie’s debut scene where they’re roughhousing, their dynamic is just so cute. I’ve seen people ship them and I’m not against it, I just can’t see Hobie as anything more than a big brother tbh

That’s all that comes to mind right now, hope you enjoyed my word vomit. I have so much more stuff to say but that will need a rewatch, I’m gonna go to bed

[foreverrunningfree]

@czigonas wanted to see me answer those artist questions and I did them all so it’ll be under the cut

1. Art programs you have but don’t use?

As of rn I cannot draw on my laptop/tablet so technically paint tool SAI and photoshop(idk what version). But I guess I hadn’t used photoshop for /years/ back before my drawing hiatus. Sorry but SAI is so much nicer to look at and to use, for me personally.

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left,right, or forward?

I flip flop my canvas a ton to a) look at it for wonkiness and b) to get specific lines in a direction that feels good, but the actual act of drawing I typically like to have them looking left cause most the the lines flow from top right to bottom left which is nicer to do since I use my right hand to draw even tho I am ambidextrous.

3. What ideas come from when you were little?

This question confuses me on what it’s actually asking soooo? When I was like 12 I had to write a story for school so I did a story about a plane crash in which the survivor came face to face to a rat/bat/cat/dog creature thing? I’ve always wanted to redraw the creature, idk if I have the original drawing I did and I don’t feel up to digging to see if I kept it during all my moves.

4. Fave character/subject that’s a bitch to draw?

My favorite animal color patterns aka brindle, merle ,roan, spots/stripes. So time consuming. In terms of shape, human faces for sure.

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself?

Before hiatus, probably 90% /shared/. Currently, probably 75% /posted/cause I can’t post the porn to tumblr lmaoooo but I have shared them with like half a dozen friends.

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously?

I’m sure there’s a ton but if it’s subconsciously then how would I consciously know?🤔 ok serious answer, probably every single 2D animated movie or show I’ve ever seen, and all the various artists I follow. I mean, there’s parts of my style I can pinpoint you to what it’s inspired by.

7. A medium of art you don’t work in but appreciate?

I’ve never /seriously/ tried oil paint, acrylic paint, or pastels but that shit always looks so good. Also watercolor even though i have tried and enjoyed using watercolors but I am far far faaarrr from being proficient in them. Non drawing wise, I fucking love dioramas, especially those that are then filled in(?) with acrylic(?). I watch a lot of those videos on YouTube.

8. What’s an old project idea you’ve lost interest in?

Most of my old animal ocs I had in the same universe in my mind and had a comic planned that I never got around to. I still love and wanna revisit those ocs. But also my dragon age ocs who I’ve SERIOUSLY BEEN CONSIDERING drawing in @soaps-hoe-141 universe 👀

9. What are your file name conventions?

Before hiatus/ on my laptop, subject or character and whatever was happening in the pic. Now using procreate on my iPad? I don’t think I’ve named a single one lol.

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw?

Nothing, no clothes, nude, nakedness please and thank you. lol but I guess I do sorta enjoy figuring out clothing in general, folds and shit, getting that practice in. Like how it hangs and creases in poses since I’m not used to drawing it.

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing?

I don’t usually listen to /only/ music while drawing, I much prefer having a favorite movie playing in the background and/or a show I enjoy rewatching/am actively watching. I also watch a lot of gamer YouTubers I put on as background noise/short watch breaks that their voice is just soothing to me even if I’m not /watching/.

12. Easiest part of the body to draw?

I’m not sure… maybe boobs/pecs for humanoids. General body shape for animals?

13. A creator you admire but whose work isn’t your thing?

Honestly can’t think of a single one. I mean, plenty of artists do work(or with a medium) that I can’t or don’t want to do/use personally but I read the question of “isn’t your thing” as “subject you don’t enjoy”. If that’s correct, then idk what to tell you. I don’t follow or remember people who majority does things I can’t enjoy on some level.

14. Any fave motifs?

Quite a lot of religious imagery I guess ex. Circles around a persons head. Less serious answer is drawing characters in meme formats lol

15. Where do you draw?

Please don’t tell any physical therapists I live like this… on my back on my couch with my head on the arm rest while holding my iPad propped up on my chest like 8 inches away from my face lmao

16. Something you are good at but don’t really have fun doing?

Idk???? I do shit for my own enjoyment so I’m not sure? Maybe perhaps backgrounds? Like I could do something decent if i wanted to but I’m not into it so I usually just don’t?

17. Do you eat or drink while drawing?

I take breaks… but while actively drawing? I often drink aka let the horny demons out while I enjoy whiskey lol.

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you’ve broken?

Broken broken? Next to fucking none? some charcoal sticks but otherwise…. None… I majority do digital art so really nothing to break there lol

19. Fave inanimate objects to draw?

Idk? I like doing life charcoal drawings? Of whatever, but particularly statues if that counts? I usually have living beings as my subjects.

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy?

Ok, I hate this question, cause we are all good at different things. Maybe it’s just most of those I follow have different strengths than me???? But I guess if I had to pick, recreating from life(or picture) is a lot easier for me than some others(like making it life like/very accurate).

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways?

Yooo, anything I’ve reblogged honestly. Love everyone.

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing?

Absolutely none, again don’t let the pros know cause damn. But I will do stretches or take breaks as needed.

23. Do you use different layer modes?

Absolutely. Mostly for lighting and shading but yes, if I’m doing digital imma take advantage of it.

24. Do your references include stock images?

Yes? I don’t really understand what it’s asking?

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were not inspired by?

Idk? I don’t usually get feedback of that sort.

26. What’s a piece that’s viewed a wildly different interpretation from what you intended?

Again idk? I guess my shit is straight forward?

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff?

Almost never, again don’t let the pros know lol I do sometimes jump between pieces or start a new sketch before going to something farther along.

28. Any art events you have participated in, like zines?

Nope, wanted to and have tried before but I tend to NOT do something if I feel pressured to do it.

29. Media you love but doesn’t inspire you artistically?

Again I feel like this is a weird question or maybe it’s just my understanding of it but I can feel inspiration from all sort of artist shit even if it’s something I’ll never do(ex making a crochet animal or dioramas). I guess I can feel inspired to create from other creators even if it’s not direct inspiration/subject/medium.

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated?

Underrated as in no one has seen aside from a few people irl would be my colored pencil pieces I did during afternoon naps when I worked at a daycare a few years ago.

[htcsense5]

Counter-Exposing Banjo/Tiredite/Lunar Moonyu/Lunar Cheese

Hello everyone.

It’s me, arsikphonegreat.

As some of you might know, I have been “exposed” for sexting allegations. While the screenshots were real, there was a LOT of stuff that went unmentioned on purpose.

Before we start, I’d like to mention that i am NOT trying to justify any of the stuff that i did in early 2021. I understand that it was horrible, but I was MUCH, MUCH younger than banjo (i will refer to her with that in this whole exposé). That exposé that was made on me was an absolutely pathetic one at that, and I’m going to break it down into pieces.

First of all, the 2020 thing. The exposing page mentioned how I started “sexting” her during a drama that was happening. Yes, that is kinda bad, though banjo did a big part in it, with even creating an OC called “Dirty Minded Banjo” and later making her first NSFW art, which i unfortunately cannot access because I can’t log in to that account where I impersonated a drama maker due to being locked out of my mail, so if you don’t believe me then it’s fine. If we ever find it, i will make sure to add it here. Everyone knew about this “sexting” bs, including my friends. It really was a joke, that was meant to make fun of a phone collector named Alonso, who was OBSESSED with horny bs. Banjo was perfectly comfortable doing this, so I don’t see why she’s acting like it traumatised her forever.

Unfortunately this is the only screenshot I could find mentioning this 2020 thing, so take that however you will. Sorry for not being able to find much proof on that.

(UPDATE: We found it. We found her first ever cursed art. Here it is. https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/714901509967446016/1167211125667008593/SPOILER_WHAT_THE_FUCK_IS_THAT.gif?ex=654d4d12&is=653ad812&hm=b1346e2bbda29ccaecedc13d9feb16c329986d2447ab32ee3206ca280e252c2c&)

But here’s where we move to one of the biggest parts of this whole ordeal.

Banjo started making more NSFW arts with my friends and sexualising in every way she could, here’s proof:

As you can see, she had a big “history” of making these arts before the banjo x arsik garbage even started.

Now, let’s move to the reason why I was exposed. I was actually 11 back then, but banjo still knowingly did the thing with me thinking i was 10. I regret not resisting, and I am sorry for that. Banjo was 13, by the way.

She never mentioned those arts, so here I am. She thought i was 10 and knowingly sent those “arts” to a ten year old.

And here’s her asking a person who she thought was 10 this type of question. Literally gross shit.

In March 2021, after me finally coming to my senses, she made ANOTHER NSFW art with my friends, and at this point i’ve had enough.

Finally, we cancelled this girl, and in June 2021 we have eventually forgiven her. It was a big war, and it’s also the one she keeps mentioning in her social media as the “Banjo hate war” and always says it started on march 8th which proves my point. During the war, SHE MADE ANOTHER CURSED ART DESPITE BEING CANCELLED FOR CURSED ARTS. Here is proof. It happened on the 16th of May, 2021, if you’re curious.

After the war ended, banjo went back to her old ways, sending creepy messages to my friend, NKYT.

As you can see, it happened after June 2021, which means she hasn’t learned anything at all.

Fast forward to late 2022, before NKYT came back from his break, banjo obviously didn’t change and posted these abominations:

She even went as far as to POST A VIDEO WHERE SHE PLAYED A VOICE RECORDING OF HERSELF MOANING https://youtu.be/WW5G_TbBgsc?si=Y7etG2AiEmVmx34W

And now, let’s talk about the raiding thing. Yes, it was bad to some degree, however in my opinion, it was completely deserved after all the lies and her posts on twitter which i have just mentioned.

Finally, this is the end of this counter-exposé. It was certainly a long read, but I hope that now you know the truth about Lunar Cheese. I don’t condone what I did back then, but banjo knew she was doing this with who she thought was a 10 year old, and was perfectly fine sending those arts to me. Absolutely disgusting and shameless.

WE GOT AN UPDATE!!!!

Looks like that bastard saw this exposé and made this abomination where she played THE ENTIRE VOICE RECORDING OF HER MOANING

Listen at your own risk, you don’t want to be traumatised.

“i had enough” my ass

another update: the vid got deleted for violating the terms of service LMFAO (looks like either some nice person who saw this post reported the video or the youtube team deleted the vid by themselves)

thankfully, we archived it:

oh, and, here are her discord IDs so feel free to ban that liar from your servers:

823539067513470976 767779242787340288 782310424129437746

[fredseibertdotcom]

Larry Huber, official Oh Yeah! Cartoons portrait, 1998

Larry Huber.

Starting out in the cartoon business at 40 years old was pretty daunting. I had worked on some very short form animation in my previous lives, but cartoons? Completely different. Characters, layouts, storyboards, voice acting... A whole new world. When I first met with Hanna-Barbera’s senior staff –veterans all– I told them the truth. 

“I watched, and loved, cartoons as a kid. I don’t know much about making them. But, the good news is that you do. So I’ll listen to you about what we ought to do.”

At least, I thought it was good news. But honestly, pretty much only Larry Huber stepped up to help. And he’s been stepping up in my cartoon life ever since.

Larry’s a complete pro. He came to Los Angeles and studio art and animation, started in the business in the early 70s. He knows everything about the actual making of cartoons, which is great. But, better yet, he’s got great judgement, and though he would like to convince some people that he’s a curmudgeon, he’s one of the most caring and generous professional a newby, or a professional, could have as a colleague.

And that’s what he’s been for me. Actually, and more importantly, it’s what Larry has been for dozens of folks who made short films and series at my productions. Starting as the supervising producer on What A Cartoon! (he even designed the opening titles), coming on as my co-executive producer on Oh Yeah! Cartoons and Random! Cartoons, and continuing to help filmmakers on individual shorts at Too Cool! Cartoons and GO! Cartoons, and series spin-offs like Bravest Warriors and Bee and PuppyCat.

Larry’s got the obvious skill set –art, animation, storyboarding, directing, producing– but, I have to say what’s always blown me away is his instinct for filmmaking story. Obviously, there are a lot of ways to tell a story, whether it’s a short story or a novel. But, a film story has it’s own logic. And honestly, Larry is one of the few people I’ve met over the years that really gets it. I’m jealous, because I don’t really. At least, not like Larry.

And wow, what a mentor. My instinct for years has been that if you can pair a veteran professional, with the right first time wanna-be, usually young, professional, the results could be spectacular. Larry is the absolute proof. From Donovan Cook/2 Stupid Dogs, Genndy Tartakovsky/Dexter’s Laboratory, Craig McCraken/The Powerpuff Girls, Butch Hartman on all the shorts he did that led to The Fairly OddParents, Rob Renzetti/My Life as a Teenage Robot, Pendleton Ward/Adventure Time... I could write a whole post on just the young’uns he’s mentored. Including me (though I’m only a few minutes younger than him), I didn’t even know what a layout was before Larry filled me in.

With all the help he’s given others, it would remiss of me not to mention Larry’s co-creation, with Bill Burnett, of the fantastic ChalkZone, his series that ran on Nickelodeon for 40 episodes in the 2000s.

OK, I’ll spare you on the warm person that Larry is, a wonderful husband, father, grandfather, collector of HO trains and a cowboy and Civil War fan/scholar.

To me, Larry Huber made my professional life worth it. Thanks bud!

I’ve posted often about my mentors, the people I’ve learned the most from. And I’ve noted how often how many of them beg to differ as to whether or not I should credit them as such. So, I’ve calmed down in my titling. But still…

Larry Huber illustration by David Feiss

[palettepainter]

2022

As much as I wanted to get a drawing done to round off this year I just don’t have the energy to be working on anything new

While this year has been filled with many highs, it’s also been a very tiring year emotionally and mentally. I don’t usually post a lot of personal stuff online, I try to keep art and personal life as separate as I can, but with some recent family news that’s been brought up I can’t say how hectic these next few months are going to be. Combined with my own issues I’m learning to cope with I think 2023 is gonna start off messily for my family to put it lightly, so I feel like I have to give some kind of idea of what’s going on behind the scenes because I can’t promise I’ll be uploading as much as I do. I just can’t say for sure right now what the new few months are gonna be like 

Things going on outside of art are personal to my family and it doesn’t affect me the worst, so I’ll be keeping those issues to myself. One thing though that has been affecting my life for the better in the long term however is this: On the 4th of May this year, I started going to counselling 

I’ve taken counselling before in the past but it was never really serious, if that makes sense. The person I was seeing was a family friend of my parents so I never really felt the freedom of opening up fully, and while it did help me understand my own emotions better it wasn’t quite what I needed. This year was the first time I ever reached out to a counsellor by myself and paid for it out of my commission money, including the travel. It was very daunting, at first, taking that step without the support of my parents - or the support of anyone - and it has been very emotional: talking about emotional and mental issues I’ve never really had the chance to talk about before because I didn’t have access to the right help. More so is the fact I never felt I could talk about these things because all these issues link back to how I was treated in the past, and whenever I would want to talk about it to try and understand myself better I’d be given the old “It’s only affecting you” or “It happened years ago, you need to move on” comment

I’ve been going to counselling when I can afford it and a mental health group every Wednesday - it’s been a lot at times, and like I’ve said, very emotional. It’s been both reliving and hard to talk about certain things and most of the time, I have ended up crying. Counselling can be very emotionally taxing as much as it can be empowering, it’s a positive journey to take to better yourself, and while it is going to suck at times, to anyone who is thinking about reaching out to counselling, or to anyone who thinks maybe they might feel better getting some or thinking about going back to counselling, please look into it. 

A big thank you to everyone who has commissioned me this year, it’s thanks to you guys I even got the money to start counselling and it’s been a huge help to finally be able to seek advice from a trained professional. It’s just..awesome you’ve been able to give me that freedom to get help!

Ontop of going to counselling, I’ve also dived into some new fandoms this year: Lupin the third and the Muppets. The Muppets in particular has been very fun! Voice acting has always been something I’ve wanted to do, (people may judge me for this next bit but I feel like it should be talked about more, especially concerning mental health and how common it can be) I’ve always had a habit of talking with myself, mostly dialogue I might use in stories between characters, and when I would do that I’d often try to do voices to distinguish who was who. Voice acting has always been one of my favourite acting roles because, as someone who has mild stage fright, I’ve never liked the idea of being on a stage, but I feel like voicing a character would be something I’d really enjoy. 

And with the muppets, you’re literally bringing a puppet to life through the act of voice acting and puppetry! I’ve become a big fan of Matt Vogel’s work on the Muppets (voices of Floyd Pepper, Kermit, Lew Zeeland, Deadly, Crazy Harry and Sweetums, to name a few), who was kind enough to leave a comment on one of my tweets featuring some art I’d done of Floyd! I was also lucky to be able to contribute on the merch team to the Electric Mayhem Fanzine, an opportunity I never thought would happen, let alone when I’d been in the fandom for only a few months!! Once again thank you to everyone who retweeted, commented, reblogged my Muppet art, you guys continue to surprise me with the amount of love you guys have for my work!

Though I can’t say this year has ended gracefully for my family, there’s been a main problem behind that scene that’s made things somewhat weird towards the end (weird is the best way I can describe it), this year has certainly been one of the toughest, and funnily enough, one of the greatest years for me! 

I want to say another big thank you and Happy New Year’s to everyone who’s supported my work this year, to anyone who’s been here since I started doing digital art or if you’ve been here since the start of the year. Happy New Years to those of you who might also be going through some hard times, those of you who think the holidays have felt different and things have felt out of your control. To anyone whose suffered the loss of a loved one, or those of you who are just tired and not in the mood of celebrating

I hope you all have a wonderful New Years Eve and good fortune in 2023, we’re all navigating this new year together - all confused and maybe a little excited - but we’re all in the same big boat 

[void-star]

I posted 6,945 times in 2022

That's 317 more posts than 2021!

441 posts created (6%)

6,504 posts reblogged (94%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@perfect-cecilos

@blue-eyes-white-privilege69

@bugssiesbeans

@thisautistic

@closet-keys

I tagged 3,745 of my posts in 2022

Only 46% of my posts had no tags

#wtnv - 306 posts

#pretty art - 199 posts

#dragon age - 170 posts

#malevolent - 167 posts

#amc iwtv - 138 posts

#ofmd - 116 posts

#hfth - 114 posts

#spoilers - 94 posts

#toh - 88 posts

#good fucking content - 88 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#another friend of mine started listening to night vale bc she needed something for her commute and because it gave us a reason to talk more

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

It isn't until Change of Mind that you really realize just how short staffed Minkowski's mission was.

80 notes - Posted June 5, 2022

#4

I listened to Memoria this morning while getting ready for work which was a terrible decision cause it's difficult to put make up on while you're crying.

I just want to say the idea of Pryce inputting a core thought meant to tear Hera down, that runs every time she does anything, and the idea of "giving them my own voice" so the thought is indistinguishable from her own, really fuckin hits me in the mommy issues.

I think one of the coolest things they did with Hera as an A.I. was to create a computer metaphor for some aspects of human psychology; that a self-defeating thought is implanted in someone by another person that occurs at runtime every time.

That a small, single line of "code" recited subconsciously before every thing we do effects our whole systems.

That we need to know it's there to cope and work around it.

It's just very, very good. I like it a lot.

82 notes - Posted May 30, 2022

#3

Wolf 359 is just so good I will never be over it. That whole sequence at the end of episode 28 when they've just pulled the Hephaestus station into a stable orbit, Eiffel is in Lovelace's shuttle detached from the station and drifting very slowly, and he convenes with Minkowski in the medical lab where he gets suddenly interrupted by Lovelace flatlining?

And after a moment of the drama of trying to get Lovelace's heart beating again, the last thing we hear from him is, "Diiiiiiiiid....... was thaaaaaaaaat......??" and then the shuttle explodes?

Just amazing.

I love the flow of the scene and the tension. I love the voice acting. I love that we're hit with two more crises while still exhausted from the cost of narrowly escaping the last one. It's a bunch of emotional beats all in a row.

I literally dream of being this good at writing.

92 notes - Posted May 14, 2022

#2

I’m 25 episodes into Hello from the Hallowoods and I have decided I really like it. Here are some reasons why:

Lots of queer characters at lots of different ages and lots of different stages.

Some of the older characters are just beginning to engage with their queerness and it’s so sweet.

An asexual character!

I appreciate that the writer just threw in anything that seemed fun to them. Eldritch deities? Demons? Spirits? Doll zombies? Punk rock stars? Elemental mages? Capitalism trying to persevere after the apocalypse? Evangelism? All yes, and that’s goals tbh. I wish I could capture that energy.

Consistently the best openers I’ve ever heard.

Fuck, even the eldritch narrator is queer.

The particular way that death shows up as a theme here is really interesting. Death as a lingering consciousness, or a continuation, rather than an emptiness or an end.

Even though they’re mostly all the same voice actor and it’s basically the narrator reading a story to you, there are distinct enough voices for most of the characters that you can tell who is who even without the cues.

My fave audio drama villain archetype, the creepy evil boss, literally thinks she can take on an eldritch god and win. I’m so, so into it.

Water as giving life... especially after death.

Ahhh I recommend giving it a try if you like audio dramas.

104 notes - Posted January 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Cutter's "recruitment" of Eiffel is such an interesting interaction because until this point, with the exception of Hera, everyone else's sign on has not been so deeply resisted.

Hera AND Eiffel are not thrilled to take Cutter's deal, in fact they really have no other choice.

But Eiffel's scene is the first time we've ever heard Cutter struggle to control someone. He doesn't have the same tools he had with Hera.

It's the first time we hear someone laugh at Cutter, set a hard boundary with him, and literally call him a motherfucker to his face!

I'm also trying to think if anyone else aside from Hera ever really caught on to Cutter. Eiffel literally likens him to Patrick Bateman (American Psycho).

And I really feel like Cutter's agitation is palpable in his silence before he cuts Eiffel off with, "okay, okay! before you say any more things I'm going to make you regret..."

Like, Cutter still successfully lands the hook by making promises about what Goddard can do about supporting his daughter, but THAT MOMENT OF PEAK TENSION!!!!!! And only after Eiffel has been bought into it does he fall in line with the hierarchy and switch to calling Cutter, "sir."

111 notes - Posted May 25, 2022

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[nonhumen]

anonymous : Verlaine. Poor, lonely, pathetic creature. This is the face of the King of Assassins himself? The perfect killing machine? Look at you. Pitiful. You drove away the only person that ever cared about you and, in the end, he died while desperately trying to remember whether or not you were okay.

To think you are the man who murdered my father with such cruel indifference. Did you think I’d forgotten your face, Verlaine? You made a grave mistake when you let the orphan you created live with the pain of watching a monster cut down his only family. I’ve spent years waiting for the chance to pay you back. But how does one inflict the same sort of suffering they endured on the lone wolf who despises the world?

That’s when I realized. The boy. The one you gave up everything for. What’s his name again, Chuuya? He’s the reason you hide in the bowels of the Port Mafia, isn’t he? You’ve no one else after all, after killing your ‘father’ and shooting your only friend in the back. So, he will be my revenge. Killing children isn’t something I can say does anything for me. And he’s so young too, sixteen? Seventeen? It hardly matters. Cutting someone up is an art, and I’ll be sure you have lots of fun locating each and every piece of him when I’m finished. I can’t promise his death will be quick.

But I will promise this: when he breaks and cries and begs to know why I’m doing it, I’ll be sure to tell him, pourquoi ne pas vous demande à ton grand frère?

there was once a time when verlaine would have immediately killed someone who had the audacity to approach him like this. not because of any sort of threats -- that came with the territory -- but because they saw his face. if someone held enough of a grudge to find him then it was simply cleaner to expunge them from the earth.

but things are different now. everything is different now. the once-king of assassins simply does not have it in him to care about threats or grudges from the past. especially from some random kid of some random guy he killed some time ago.

chuuya's name changes everything. steely eyes flick towards the owner of the voice who dared to speak his brother's name. clearly this person has done their research. probably infiltrated the mafia to find him and came across all sorts of secrets in the process. but not the one that matters; the reason why his heart still beats.

" you made a very grave mistake. " verlaine stands from where he had been at his writing desk. " you came to gloat before even committing the act. all of that planning out the window because emotions got the better of you. " he approaches calmly towards his target. " even if you had decided to go after chuuya first, the likes of you would not be able to kill him. i'm sure my brother would have given you a more exciting death though. "

he stops, the calm demeanor never changing -- it's like being on the job again. " but you came to me because... what, you thought my exile has made me docile? even if that were true, you just threatened the only thing i have left in this world. "

and when he moves; he is fast. his powers may dwindled but they are still enough for verlaine to manipulate the very basics of gravity. which he now uses to close the gap between them in the blink of an eye. all he needs is a single touch, a light tap on the shoulder will suffice. " ciao, nameless fool. no one will remember you just as no one will remember your father. " every bone is crushed instantly.

[nyarashi]

end of year zuka tag!!

so extremely late to do this so I’m just doing it all in one post!!

1) sumire no hana - new favorite

I became a fan in late 2021 so almost all of my current favorite siennes are ones I fell in love with this year… for actresses already in the theatre id definitely say I become such a huge fan of towaki sea!! she is such an incredible singer and is able to be such a wonderful otokoyaku and an enchanting onnayaku. as for new girls, I’ve been keeping my eye on shiragiri tsubaki!

2) never say goodbye - hardest to say goodbye to

100% oto kurisu, she was such a standout in hanagumi and it was never a dull moment when she was on stage. She’s such an amazing performer and singer. I’m so glad she’s on Instagram now and I’m so excited for her future projects!

3) material girl - favorite merchandise

I was able to go to quartre reves and takarazuka an for the first time this year since i was in japan, so I think my favorite pieces of merch are all the bromides I was able to buy! going to the stores in person was such an amazing experience I’m so grateful for. I think my most treasured though is my yuzuka rei clear card, she’s been to so many places with me!

4) mon paris - new favorite show not from this year

2004 phantom!!! idk how I found it but I’m so glad I did. wao youka is just so incredible…. her portrayal of erik is maybe one of the best performances I’ve ever seen tbh… I’m so obsessed with her voice. her acting as well is so fantastic, the scene where christine is singing to erik trying to convince him to take his mask off is a work of art. you can see all the emotions erik is feeling so clearly, you see this hope in his eyes as christine continues to sing. also the way wao youka is styled in the show is so dated but i think it fits so well. she has these very prominent shoulder pads that look a little silly at first but I’ve grown to love it so much. I love the other versions of the show (esp 2018) but 2004 hold such a special place in my heart.

5) wings of the heart - favorite fandom memory

I had so many fun streaming experiences this year! I’m so lucky to have had the time to attend as many as it did. I think maybe the most impactful fandom moment was just walking around the tokyo takarazuka theatre and seeing all the other people taking pictures with and gushing about posters outside. such a crazy feeling as an international fan to see that so many other people share the same love you do

6) where is god - shocking hankyu announcement

maitis senka transfer and yurika + kano taidan!! for yurika and kano I guess it makes sense, but I feel like having any top star retire is surprising to me. yurika has been the only face of soragumi I’ve known, so it’s going to feel strange having a new top star but I’m so excited to see who it’s going to be. maitis senka transfer is a bit puzzling to me but I know she’s going to be amazing in whatever she does next.

7) the final dance - favorite duedan

saki and kiwas duedan in soukyuu no subaru. I was able to see the show in person which I think made it so much more powerful. I could feel their connection much better. I swear I was tearing up watching it. the reality of kiwas taidan hit me like a bus during it, and I felt so honored to be able to see one of their last dances together

8) my everlasting dream - most rewatched show

it’s a revue but probably beautiful garden! I put on shows a lot in the background while doing work and beautiful garden was this years top pick. I love the music so much and so many of my favorite siennes are in it! I love flower theme so much and the costumes especially!! purple and pink are my favorite colors and this revue has so much of them

9) fascinating rhythm - song that got stuck in my head

continuing the last one a bit, the theme song of beautiful garden got stuck in my head so often. especially senna ayase’s part! it’s such a catchy theme!! and the performance of it is so lovely

10) diamonds are a girls best friend - favorite costumes

such a difficult question because I really love the costumes of takarazuka, especially ones with frills and ruffles… there’s just so many to chose from. I think I’m going to say all of the costumes from genroku baroque rock. I love Japanese traditional clothing and it combined with takarazuka’s flair was such a treat. I love madoka’s costume during lucky koi koi. it’s so detailed and I love the way it moves. all the different patterns on it make me want to look at it forever.

11) cool beast!! - most ridiculous costumes

definitely not the most ridiculous, more like my favorite silly costumes are hozumi mahiro’s in top hat as beddini

12) greatest moment - special stage moment

the parade in soukyuu no subaru. being able to applaud for the actresses was such an honor to participate in. it was such a thrilling experience

13) favorite musical

genroku baroque rock! it’s very special to me for being one of the first musicals I saw. it matches my tastes very well and it’s maybe my favorite musical visually.

14) favorite revue

the fascination!!! I love this revue so much!!! pink is my favorite color so of course the costumes to me are so fantastic. especially the parade costumes… madoka’s dress is just so gorgeous. rei’s carnivorous flower is one of my favorite costumes and performances. I love the music in the revue so much too! rei singing in English and anytime hitoko sings are my favorites (of course I also love fashionable empire but I just haven’t watched it enough..)

[inkofamethyst]

October 31, 2022

Course registration today was a bit of a mess, actually, but thankfully I think everything might turn out to be okay.  There aren’t any restrictions listed for the education class I wanted to take next sem, but when I went to add it, the system told me that I had to be a education major to take it.  So I email the instructor to plead my case, not expecting much bc she’s a grad student, and sullenly pick a greek art class as an alternate to fill the space.  The instructor gets back to me in an hour with permission, and I think I should be able to get in.  It’s a lower-level course, but the seats are already going pretty quick, so hopefully the registrar acts fast to lift to block.

I am having a wee bit of an anxious episode at the moment, but it was partly brought on by the frustration of feeling, once again, like an emotional punching bag.  Not in the way that I’m being emotionally abused or anything, but, like, in high school I used to have a friend who had a lot of issues at home and she’d turn to me (and also to my dnd-friend) almost exclusively with her problems and it was really draining, honestly.  I had to stop putting effort into that relationship because it felt so one-sided.  And, frankly, she’s part of the reason that I don’t go to people with my problems.  That people only hear about my problems after I’ve solved them or cannot conceive of a way to solve them myself and have already cried over it (and in those cases I go to my parents).

Anyway saxophone-guy (-friend?) saxophone-friend (the “guy” suffix will be saved for potential, uh, suitors) has been doing that to me since I met him and it’s become even more pronounced this semester now that we’re “just friends” because he never ever comes to me when he’s happy about something.  I spent hours on a birthday present for him and the first thing he says to me when we next see each other in-person is how bad his day has been (he did thank me for the gift over text last week (also I’d like to be perfectly clear: this was not a gift given with the intent to win him back, as that ship has certainly sailed, it was a gift given with the intent to stop him from always being so down in the dumps over his voice (because any time he felt self-conscious about it, guess who he’d text and guess who’d have to use the same lines over and over again to comfort the guy (I don’t expect people to be perfect, and I understand we’ve all got our hangups, but he’s got a whole therapist)))).  I just... people who start nearly every conversation with the intent of spilling their problems irk me.  And he had the gall to say today that he doesn’t like going to people with his problems because he hates bringing down their day.  HM.  It seems as though the self-awareness doesn’t stretch as far as he thinks it does.

It’s not my intention to disparage people.  I’m just terribly high-strung at the moment.  Second round of midterms, a month until my applications are due, regular assignments on top of that, trying to prepare for my future...

I don’t want to come off like a fair-weather friend.  Truly, I don’t.  But the guy needs a journal.  Maybe not an internet one, that seems like a pretty dumb idea tbh.

So that’s frustrating, and then I’ve got an exam tomorrow [edit, next day: it was just okay, I think the short answers were fine, but the matching was awful (who cares about Haldane’s rule so much that it shows up on two questions??)] and a draft of a paper due and two discussion boards to do because I’m behind and emails to send and two more exams this week and I’m already feeling awful.  This Friday can’t come soon enough.  And then I’m going to a concert (orchestra lol) this weekend, and a movie next week, and an opera two weekends from now... ah.  Just gotta get through this hell of a week.

Today I’m thankful that... I’m thankful for GMM’s Vote Like a Beast web service.  It was so useful and so much easier to build my ballot relatively painlessly compared to consulting a newspaper and endless maps.  Midterm elections are so important, but the local-ness of it all can for sure be more overwhelming and confusing than the big national elections.  And as a college student it would be so easy to just be Too Busy To Vote, but I’m glad I did.

[talesfromthebacklog]

Tales From The Frontlog: Persona 3: Reload

10/10

It’s titles like Persona that make me go: “God damn, anime is so fucking cool.”

These are people who KNEW what they were doing when working on this remake. My only previous experience with Persona 3 was with Persona 3 Portable. And it shouldn’t be shocking that while good it didn’t have the same impact as Reload did. (Though I did still pick up P3P on Switch through Limited Run! As that was likely the cheapest we would ever see it.)

Reload completely blows P3P out of the park and has asserted itself as my favorite Persona game. (Persona 4 being my previous first favorite.). I completely destroyed this game and am sad the experience is over. (Had to get done quick so I could play Final Fantasy VII Rebirth on release!)

Persona 3: Reload is elegant, mature, wickedly stylish, and very sad. I love well written sad things. I’ve heard people call this title edgy, but that edge is what defines and makes this Persona so great. If not the best. You know what they say. The third time’s the charm! And Persona is an experience, for anyone who loves JRPGS, that people should have at least once.

Join me as I talk about Persona 3: Reload. A story of a teen named Makoto. Who just transferred to Tatsumi Port Island and awakened a powerful force by shooting himself in the head.

Persona 3 Reload is painfully stylish and cool. It’s gotten a lot of upgrades including a new voice cast. Which I think does a better job sounding more natural. Especially Bebe. The old crew did a phenominal job but I just like new performances better.

Also the amount of voice acting we got. Wow. Practically the whole thing has voice acting. Even all the social links. I think that might be a first, but don’t quote me on that.

Then there’s the art direction, which has been somewhat of a hot topic, but I like the new art assets better. The original artwork has an undeniable charm but the new stuff has this great polish.

Though I dare say the older art better lends to the “creepy” tone of the game. The traditionally beautiful anime faces do take away from that a little.

And this new look isn’t just the art assets and sprites, it goes as far as the menu.

I don’t say this often, but that’s hot. That menu is everything. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so strongly about a menu. I would fight a stranger in the parking lot if they told me this menu looked bad. It is so slick and sleek. It hurts because of how good this looks.

This? This gives me math folder vibes. I think this was why I was so much more drawn to Persona 4 in the first place.

Well. Not because of the menu. The menu is functional and doesn’t look awful by any stretch of the imagination. We all know that fully functional is a high bar for developers to reach nowadays.

But each Persona, from 1 - 5 and now to Reload, was a step into stronger art direction. Each Persona contributed something new artistically to get it to its current state of intense stylization. Persona 3 Reload is simply a culmination of all these steps forward. It makes me feel bad for not touching the main Shin Megani Tensei series at all. Because I don’t get to see the artistic history from it that could have contributed to Persona. I’m aware I’m missing out and need to correct that! Ha!

TLDR: Persona 3: Reload is so ✨PRETTY✨.

Then there’s the gameplay. Persona ranks among my favorite JRPGs because it has so much side stuff to do. Persona at its core is two different kinds of games. A life sim and a JRPG. If you get bored with one half you can go hang out in the other. Excellent. Brilliant. Love it. Persona is a great ADHD person game. It also gives the game a nice contrast between the light and dark elements. A narrative rest, so to speak. Also the difficulty modes. I’m not afraid to say I prefer normal mode. Some grinding is fine but I hate excessive grinding in games. I feel it overshadows the game. Though without some grind you just have a glorified visual novel. It’s all about balance and personal taste I suppose. But I’m of the belief that grinding doesn’t make a game hard. It makes it time consuming which makes it look like the game is hard. But this is not the same thing! Persona just… GETS that I don’t want to grind for that long.

I love JRPGs, but I tend to run hot and cold with them. I think a lot of them do really suffer from being too samey in their initial presentation. The style and identity the Persona series has is 100% what kept me playing after a friend lent me his Vita to play. He insisted upon it as he handed me Persona 4 Golden.

He was right. Persona was awesome. Persona 3 Reload makes me feel those same feelings when I had that initial introduction to the franchise. I do feel genuinely wowed by this title. Which I don’t feel often in gaming. My favorite part about it is it is set in the modern era. Swords and dragons are nice, but different time periods come with different ideologies, cultures, and challenges. Persona takes the “familiar” and uses that premise to flip your world upside down. And that each one goes with a different aesthetic.

God I hope they remake or rerelease 1 or 2. Or both.

Anyway.

Persona 3 additionally is just so… sad. Persona 4 has those sad moments too but I just feel those main and side stories hit harder in Persona 3. The ending is a sad gut punch. I love it. Like any great visual novel character interactions and story can make or break the experience. And Persona 3 only managed to sharpen those interactions with the newer voice acting and the retranslated script. The whole feel is a lot less awkward.

Then there’s the music. If you didn’t watch the intro I posted in the beginning, do yourself a favor and do so as you read please.

Oh? You’ve heard the song before? Are you saying you don’t want to listen to this jazzy and funky soundtrack again? Heresey I say!

Oh? You don’t want to scroll back up? No problem fam. I’m gonna post the full track here.

And the whole soundtrack is this good. This is just a taste. Ugh. It’s so good. It is both energizing and soothing. I ask you to listen purely because my words can’t do it justice.

I am recognizing what a mistake it was not to play the full console version and what a crime it is that they ported P3P over Persona 3 itself. It had an anime too, did it not? Like a movie or something?

Let’s not start with the FES mess. They’ve basically said it’s not being included even as DLC. I’m just going to play it separately, and by the good grace of god you don’t have to play the whole game over to play “The Answer” arc. (Which I’ll post an update on that when I do that. Someday.)

I can take or leave the female protagonist. I want a female protagonist, but in P3P she was always kind of an empty husk that you knew wasn’t the “real” main character. I don’t mind games where I play a character instead of myself. But I feel they could do a new unique perspective if they switched it up for Persona 6. Especially since they are nailing down some of the problematic elements of the series.

I’m aware that they’ve changed a lot from the original Persona 3 to Reload. But to be frank my memory has just never been that long lasting or great. I can genuinely come back to most games after a certain amount of time and it’s like playing it brand new over again. A blessing and a curse. But I can remember Tartarus being a bigger pain in the ass than it is now. Tartarus also seems notably more varied in design as you climb. I feel like I am having a distinctly better time than the first time. (I may have to play a brief stint in portable to see if this is true.)

Side note: The Dark Hour as a concept in itself is a topic I want to cover in its own post at some point. This isn’t unique to Reload which isn’t why I’m not talking about a lot of elements like this (Because remake reviews should be more about what is improved) but it was still a genius way to fit in an alternate world.

At the end of the day, and right before the dark hour, Persona 3: Reload had no excuse to fail. The bones of the beast itself were so good. As long as you left it to simmer and caramelize this remake always destined to be great. It takes elements and tricks that made later titles great and Atlus applied all their learned skills here.

It’s stuff the Persona, and SMT, community already loved. And for good reason. It was already a compelling experience and it’s one I’m really glad I came back to. Playing it this way really changed how I felt about the game as a whole. Even without the extra content I’m going to say this is THE WAY to play Persona 3 from here on out. We’ll see if I feel that way after playing Persona 3: FES. But don’t expect to see that critique any time soon.

[popblank]

Year-end roundup of theater I saw in 2023:

I saw a lot this year (29 unique shows with a couple of repeats). Part of the reason is probably that I spent money on tickets more freely because I was working a lot more than usual.

Notes or links to separate posts below:

Mean Girls (tour; Pantages) – The strengths are in the original movie material and added character development, while the music is just enough to support the story. Fun, though not sure I'd call it good.

Topdog/Underdog (Broadway) – Fantastic performances from both Corey Hawkins and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II. Not particularly interested in con artist/gambler storylines but it fit the themes.

A Strange Loop (Broadway) – Amazing, totally get why it won Best Musical. Viewing experience was enhanced by a responsive audience. I'm excited to see it in LA and crossing my fingers that it gets a decent reception.

Kimberly Akimbo (Broadway) – Hadn't read much about it and was unprepared for how funny it was and how strong the cast was across the board. Favorite little absurdity was how the show choir kids are slowly drawn into Debra's scheme. The cast recording captures a decent part of the humor and was my most-played album in 2023.

Merrily We Roll Along (Off-Broadway) – Not sure I can imagine a better casting for Franklin Shepard than Jonathan Groff.

Wicked (Broadway) – Hadn't seen it in over a decade and felt like revisiting. It was fine; Elphaba and Fiyero seemed to have good chemistry.

Leopoldstadt (Broadway) – If I had the time and money I would just follow Caissie Levy and Brandon Uranowitz around to see whatever they are in. In a 2+ hour show with no intermission I never got bored.

Frozen (tour; Segerstrom) – Had previously seen this pre-pandemic so most of the cast had changed, though Caroline Bowman was still Elsa and was good. A number of the new cast seemed very young.

The Secret Garden (Ahmanson)

Kristina Wong, Sweatshop Overlord (Kirk Douglas)

The Lonely Few (2x) (Geffen Playhouse)

Sunday in the Park with George (Pasadena Playhouse) – First time I’ve ever seen this show (or listened to the music with any level of attention), and while I enjoyed it for the most part—particularly Act 1—I really struggled to care about modern George’s professional and personal difficulties in creating his art. I did like the music and can’t say I was ever bored, but in the end I was (to my surprise) thoroughly unmoved. One notable thing was that the sound in the theater was great. Everything was remarkably clear and I could understand all of the rapid-fire lyrics very well considering I was not very familiar with the music.

Twilight: Los Angeles 1992 (Mark Taper Forum) – Staged with multiple actors; unfortunately I don't remember much about it as I did not take any notes.

1776 (2x)

Kiss of the Spider Woman (A Noise Within) – The play, not the musical. Enjoyed it, thought Molina in particular was well performed.

Six (tour, Pantages) – Had listened to the studio cast recording and enjoyed it but the songs do tend to work better with the little bit of context provided by the show.

A Little Night Music (Pasadena Playhouse) – Another first-time Sondheim show for me; I liked the music (more so than Sunday in the Park With George), acting was strong, but I had difficulty caring much about the interpersonal drama.

A Soldier's Play (tour, Ahmanson) – Didn't take notes afterward; mostly I remember that Norm Lewis's speaking voice is startlingly resonant.

Tina (tour, Pantages) – Saw this only a few weeks after her death; the Playbill cover had been redesigned to acknowledge it and I think the cast and audience were still feeling that impact. It was pretty good for a straight-ahead biographical jukebox musical.

A Transparent Musical

Into the Woods

Beetlejuice

Les Misérables (tour, Pantages) – Heard the latest tour cast was really good, and it was; it hit the emotional beats well. Particularly liked Fantine (here's a local morning-show performance of "I Dreamed a Dream"), Javert, and Valjean, actually liked Gavroche for a change, and this production got rid of a character direction I absolutely hated (Grantaire's melodramatic wail after the "Little People" reprise).

Heroes of the Fourth Turning

Peter Pan Goes Wrong (Ahmanson) – Entertaining and funny though didn't quite hit my sense of humor dead on.

Here Lies Love (Broadway) – Was really glad to have the opportunity to see this because I missed the original production 10 years ago and regretted it. Sat in the front mezzanine which seemed just fine and provided an overall good view of the action in almost every direction. Particularly liked Conrad Ricamora (very charismatic) as Ninoy Aquino and Jose Llana as Marcos. Staging, audience participation, projections, etc. were essential to communicating the message of the show. I like the music and have the original cast recording but it would be very easy to misunderstand the tone from only listening to the recording.

The Sound Inside (Pasadena Playhouse) – Saw this in the middle of being swamped at work so my memory of this is a bit sparse. I remember being uncertain of how to react at the end of the show (same for the audience I was in) but thinking about it afterward the ideas and themes came together more clearly.

A Christmas Story (Ahmanson) – A pleasant and family-friendly show; lots of kids in the cast. Have never seen the movie. There were some high points (e.g. the big tap number featuring Miss Shields and a bunch of children singing "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out" as Prohibition-era gangsters and flappers) but I was bored for a good portion of the show. The portrayal of motherhood is very traditional.

MJ the Musical (tour; Pantages) – Was wondering how Lynn Nottage would handle the book. At first the "in rehearsal for the Dangerous tour" setup seemed like an interesting framing, but ultimately I don't think it went anywhere interesting dramatically or emotionally, or communicated much that wasn't already known even to non-Michael Jackson fans. The part from the Tony Awards performance is the high point of the show IMO.

[gayoxygen]

At around the end of FG

Oren left Grayson and me alone in the chapel.

“I owe you an apology.”

I met Grayson Hawthorne’s eyes, as light and piercing as they’d been the first time I saw him. “You don’t owe me anything,” I said—not out of compassion but because it hurt to let myself think about how much I’d expected from him.

The promise he had not kept.

“Yes. I do.” After a long moment, Grayson looked away. “I,” he said, like that one word cost him everything, “have been punishing myself for so long. Not just for Emily’s death—for every weakness, every miscalculation, every—” He cut off, like his windpipe had closed suddenly around the words. I watched as he forced a jagged breath into his lungs. “No matter what I was or what I did—it was never enough. The old man was always there, pushing for better, for more.”

I’d thought once that he had bulletproof confidence. That he was arrogant and incapable of second-guessing himself and utterly sure of his own power.

“And then,” Grayson said, “the old man was gone. And then… there was you.”

“Grayson.” His name caught in my throat.

Grayson just looked at me, his light eyes shadowed. “Sometimes, you have an idea of a person—about who they are, about what you’d be like together. But sometimes that’s all it is: an idea. And for so long, I have been afraid that I loved the idea of Emily more than I will ever be capable of loving anyone real.”

That was a confession and self-condemnation and a curse. “That’s not true, Grayson.”

He looked at me like the act of doing so was painful and sweet. “It was never just the idea of you, Amy.”

I tried not to feel like the ground was suddenly moving underneath my feet. “You hated the idea of me.”

“But not you.” The words were just as sweet, just as painful. “Never you.”

“You fought me every step of the way.” I whispered, voice raw. But then again, so did I. Something gave inside me. “Grayson.”

“I know,” he said roughly.

I shook my head. “You’re still so convinced that you know everything.”

“I know that you don’t want my affections.” Grayson looked at me the way you look at art in a glass case, like he wanted to reach out to touch me but couldn’t. “You don’t want to want anyone.” He paused. “Tell me you do.”

I couldn’t do that. He knew I couldn’t. “I don’t want you to like me,” I said, because it was true. It would be too dangerous:

So why was this so hard?

“I wanted Eve to be different,” Grayson told me. “I wanted her to be you.”

“Don’t say that,” I whispered.

He looked at me one last time. “There are so many things that I will never say.”

“Why not ?” I said, I couldn’t help it. “I had a dream,” I told him. “When I was in the coma. You and Jameson were fighting. About me.”

“Amy…” Grayson started.

“In my dream,” I continued, “Jameson was angry that you didn’t run toward me. That I was lying there at death’s door, and you couldn’t move. But, Grayson?” I waited for him to look at me, with silver eyes and the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I’m not angry. I’ve spent my entire life not running toward anyone. I know what’s it like to just stand there—to not be able to do anything else. I know what it’s like to lose someone.”

I thought about my mom, all the friends—and enemies I had lost, then about Emily.

“I am an expert at not wanting to want things.” I paused, “And I’m going to keep being this way until my mom is behind bars, because this is how I keep people safe. This is one of the only ways in which I can control the situation.” My breath hitched, Grayson stayed silent. “I don’t want to be this way—but I don’t have a choice. So I’m envious of you.”

He took a step towards me.

“You’re allowed to feel. Emotions don’t make you weak, they make you strong. They make you the kind of person that’s full of love and compassion, the kind of person I’d want to be. The kind of person I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to be.”

He took my hand. His eyes were the softest shade of grey I’d ever seen. “That’s not true, Amy.” His voice was calm but raw as he parroted my words.

I went on anyway, “I’m so upset that you can feel but choose not to.” I let my confession hang in the air a little, “I guess I kind of want to live vicariously through you.” I gave him a self-pitying smile. “The person I’ll be in the future won’t be all of that. I’ll be emotional and strong. I’ll feel everything there is to feel.”

We stand there in silence for a moment. I watch as he hesitated, opened his mouth, then closed it.

A sudden look of desperation flashed in his grey eyes. “I’ve struggled in vain. It won’t do.” He suddenly blurted out. “I can’t repress my feelings. Amy,” he said my name with such sweetness and such pain, “Please allow me to tell you how much I love and admire you." He looked deeply in my eyes. “I can’t listen in silence anymore.”

“Grayson.” I answered, in a way that was meant to be firm but only came out desperate and weak.

He was not deterred. “I have to say it. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me that I am not too late, that there’s still something to salvage.”

“You can’t love me.” I argued, out of breath.

He came closer, so much so that he was now standing right in front of me. I could feel his breath on my face. “But I do.” He said softly.

“There’s too much I’m hiding from you. Too much I don’t want anyone to see. You don’t know me. You can’t love me.”

He searched my eyes for something. After a few seconds, he took a step back. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“I’ll stop there, for you.” That same look on utter tenderness was on his face and I was so scared that one day he’d look at me with utter and complete disgust when he has learned.

“We can be friends,” I swallowed down my saliva.

He gave a ghost of a smile. “The kind of friend that only sees each other twice a year, yeah ?”

I nodded, briskly.

He was getting ready to walk away, and I had to let him—but I couldn’t. “Promise me you won’t leave again,” I told Grayson. “You can go back to Harvard. You can go wherever you want, do whatever you want—just promise me that you won’t shut us out again.” I lifted my hand to my Hawthorne pin. I knew he had one “of his own. I knew that, but I took mine off and pinned it on him anyway. “Est unus ex nobis. You said that to Jameson once, do you remember? She is one of us. Well, it goes both ways, Gray.”

Grayson closed his eyes, and I was hit with the feeling that I would never forget the way he looked standing there in the light from the stained-glass windows. Without his armor. Without pretense. Raw.

“Scio,” Grayson told me. I know.

I looked down at the USB in his hand.

“I have the other one,” I told him. “It was the one object in the leather satchel that we never used, remember?”

Grayson’s eyes opened. He stepped out of the light. “Are you going to call my brothers?” he asked me. “Or shall I?”